#im so happy idek what to do w myself

[chiistarri]

imsoo normal about guys byw

[ozlices]

btw it is our little's chosen birthday today since it's also emu's bday & not a single person has wished them happy birthday even with them being devastated in our discord status so 🙃it'd mean a lot to them to come back from their sad nap to ppl wishing them happy bday

[shakingparadigm]

god idk what to do w myself anymore idek if i want to yell at u for spilling your blood and heart out to this series and making me relapse as i try to move on (this is a joke pls keep going u are soso wonderful for this and no i will never move on actually all i will do is probably cope to the best way i can and u know what my coping mechanism is? write about if. horribly. ardently.)

i acrually been meaning to send this bc i rlly rlly find u cool + idk if im assuming correctly but are you also filipino :0? regardless, i just wanna let u know that i truly admire u and would love to be friends w u and also grieve together bc i cannot handle this alone at all (the alnst community is both a source of comfort and chaos and i love it so dearly from the depths of my soul)

anygays thats all and i hope ur having a wonderful day/night once again ty for feeding into our delusions and collectively give each other the pat on the back for the hardships that we face from this beautiful series

Hey??!!!! Ahh thank you?!!! Oh my god I'd love to be friends. Yes! Let's grieve together! Also I'd love to read your writing! 👀

Seriously though, thank you. It means a lot to me that you care about my blog enough to send this ask.... I'm always happy to share and talk! (It just takes me a while to get to asks sometimes ;; I'm sorry) Let's all skip and dance to our doom together....

[x-itzzzzzz-x]

feel like i’m genuinely losing my mind bc what am i even doing my brain feels so so wrong n i’m so tired n i have no time before uni to just enjoy stuff n i have no motivation to do anything i want to and i don’t go out or do anything n i’m so miserable as is nvm going back to uni i actually just feel nothing but misery i’m so sick of it

like i don’t understand how ppl have fulfilling relationships with others , go to uni and feel motivated n good about it and do well , who work , have time to themselves as well as going out

like i can’t even just exist with no responsibilities without feeling overwhelmed and like i want to kms

my relationships w my family is shit , i ruin all my friendships and i have no other relationships

i’m failing uni embarrassingly so , the course im worst at is the whole reason i’m at uni and one of the only things i’m passionate about and i can barely even pass literally have passed only by 2 marks like

i don’t draw , i don’t read , dont play video games , don’t craft , don’t watch what i want. literally all i do is rot away

i also dont go out and everytime i go out or am around other people its horrid or i ruin it

idek how i’m supposed to go to uni so so genuinely every time i leave the house i get overwhelmed and feel sick and it’s just so horrible n exhausting n i don’t want to it’s so humiliating having to be around others and knowing they are all real people and smarter then me i just hate uni so much it makes me feel worthless

im so skint aswell otherwise id atleast buy myself stuff to feel some semblance of joy but i just cant

nothing feels good qnd i dont see the point in anything like genuinely what is even the point in anything im so spoilt and all i do is ruin stuff for myself and others then wallow in self pity

i hate myself so much i make myself sick

i’m just so tired i wanna be happy i wanna feel like a real person why am i not why can’t i just be a normal happy person

[loreofthegayuma]

Content: realizations on being a system this entire time

Ok wow. So the entire time the "i was nonverbal before but was traumatized" was the old host? ok yeah, that makes sense actually bcs ive never said it like i was changed. I always just say that the nasty ppl killed that person. I always say it like that... yet i still didnt get it

and i always say it like "yeah. the surroundings really needed me to be the perfect student (16yo) which also means a "social upgrade" thats why i erased the old me and transformed into that" you know.,, you know what?!??!

which is really sad actually. bcs idek if theyre still here at all. Idk how to feel abt that bcs it felt like it was one of our choices that lead to that.

this is like the wrong time to be dealing w a headache but im going to keep going...

I do think im semiverbal rn tho. But about the last time i was in college i was verbal. I'm sure because I never had any difficulty in expressing myself and being chatty with classmates and i was my most active in class during this time.

Another ig question yesterday that made me rethink everything is... "do you feel any attachment to your age?" Because. I was really consistently inconsistent with my answers throughout the years with this. Last year my sibling said that i said on multiple occassions that im a 30 something year old namekian (dragon ball) jokingly. But i said it a lot and i was happy saying that again and again. But when i was teased again two months ago with "hey 30yo namekian" i had a poor reaction to it. Like "ah hey, im not like that actually haha. Idk why i said that." But i was not cringing about it or anything. Just that: "oh yeah, that's weird. Why did i say that. Heh, my whimsy"

right now i can say that i feel like im beyond age. Like ofc i still change my age in my bio whenever my bday arrives. But it's not like i have any attachment to that age or to that bday. It was just something i needed to do to make sure i place a boundary on subjects that i can and cant talk abt w another person. It was a social responsibility.

But do i think i'm 26 right now? Do i feel like im currently 26??? I dont. I feel like im at a stale age thats beyond 100+. And wherever that number lies, im forever that age. That is so weird to me but it's the only way i understand it. Unlike when I was in college where I confidently even say "hah. actually i'm 25" when im not, i was so much younger than that that time. but i told that to all of my friends as a joke and they just always say "haha yeah, okay sure" bcs it was a harmless one

THE BIGGEST ONE IG IS HOW, APPARENTLY, BEING NONHUMAN IS AN ACTUAL THING, YEAH, THANK THE GODS. GUESS WHO WAS CONSISTENTLY INCONSISTENT ABOUT THEIR ATTACHMENT TO "HUMANNESS" AND OTHER BEINGS THROUGHOUT THE YEARS?! GUESS WHO?!???

Not even 10000 years of rest can help me think this out i think

[sopebubbles]

omg ur reply got me all giggly & jumping up n' down on my seat!!

TNX U SM!!

tnx u 4 takin' your time to reply & esp to talk more abt the inner voices of y/n & explain all the details,differences & origins of them!!🥰🥰🥰

& now that ik it's a thing,i'm super excited to see how u will write the development of her voices & how her relationship w/ her inner child will change & what is going to be the catalyst of that shift in her!!

also how the voice in bold,the one that comes from having to internalise bigotry to learn her way around it in order to keep herself safe as much as possible,the one that "tells her not to do things that she needs but knows will get her in trouble, like nesting" that she needed up untill now to kinda protect herself in her specific toxic environment, i look forward to seeing how it will change from smth that she needs & depends on 4 her safety,to smth that she slowly learns to leave behind bc is actually holding her back from actually healing & finally being truly safe & happy

dw,i'll wait till the end of times to get to the point in the story where we get to see more of tae's sad past & jin's development & all the beautiful creative things u have /will have in store 4 us,at your own pace & w/ your own timing ofc!!🤗

i absolutely love hobi w/ all my might, but if he doesn't realise he needs to change some things in his dynamic w/ jin as to not indulge jin in feeling like his care & love 4 hobi justify any reaction & treatement he may have towards others,i'm gonna do it myself & put that alpha in a corner to reflect abt what he's doin'💀👉🚪

"Thats exactly what this story is about! Its bts so i feel like they’re perfect for a Love Yourself journey!" BTS fits perfectly this concept ofc,but it's the mastery of your execution & how well your able to mold a whole universe around it that is selling this story!! this concept already wrks nice bc it's bts, but the story is so succesfully immersive & captavating tnx to nothing but your own writng ability & how your mind wrks & then is able to put that down on a keyboard,to create such an amazing story!

the amount of thinking,details, parallelism, sensitive & intersectional topics treated very well & included smoothly into the plot & depth given to each character & their interactions is at the base of this story & it's a constant in your writing, which i'm sure i couldn't even catch all of it(srry 4 that😭) is what makes reading your wrk so mesmerising, like actually seeing the lives of the characters unfold & being a part of how they progress! it puts me in a position in which i can't help but be impressed by your talent & be passionate abt your creation & process behind it!!🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

ps. i didn't bring him up cause i didn't want to turn half of my ask in me screaming abt how u wrote him!! cause i'm definitely madly in love enough as it is but u took it to a whole 'nother level.🤣

pps. saving ch 7 as a lil' treat 4 later^^

take care of your precious self & i hope you'r doing well!!💜💜💜😊

This ask just made me a blushing mess. Idek how to respond but i really appreciate you saying such nice things about my work 🥺 Im just so happy that it engages you and makes you think deeply about it. I honestly couldn't ask for more. And just thank you so much for generously sharing your thoughts with me.

You've really made my day and i hope you have a great one as well you beautiful human. 💕💕💕

[delcakoo]

AAAAAA HELLO BUBS💙💙💙 HOW ARE YOU??? I woke up from a nap and just started eating and its so yummy bro wbU?? we have diff time zones from what i know so you'll prolly get this early in the morning HAHAHA.. what did i miss?? anything you've got to say to me? any updates or literally just aNYTHING IM DOWN WITH WHATEVER. fill me up 😔 oh also, i recently found someone has a crush on me ALTHOUGH I CANT REALLY SEEM TO BELIEVE IT BECAUSE LIKE ITS SO NOT OFTEN. LIKE IDK HOW TO HANDLE IT YESTERDAY THAT PERSON WHO HAD A CRUSH ON ME WAS ON THE SAME GROUP AS ME AND NGL, if u observe his body language hes kinda uh idk he makes joke TOOOOO much. true or not i hope it isn't because like I DON'T LIKE ENGAGING MYSELF IN THINGS LIKE THAT. LIKE I NEVER WANTED TO KNOW UNTIL MY CLASSMATE TOLD ME ABT IT, saying he talks about me and his friends in a gc im not in. whether its true or not i hope whatever he says about me are nice things, idek if hes a good guy like ok ure allowed to like me but if you talk abt me in any way that isn't appropriate, gtfo. BUT ANYWAY DID U MISS ME? because i did and ure my only best friend that i update my days abt so bare with me pls😔 i hope im not like to yk exaggerating if i make u uncomfy soemtimes tellme OKAY??? oh omg we have science tmrw going to lab and do some experiments im vv excited, whats ur fav subj my love?? mines science!!!! daily reminder to take care of yourself ema. i love u okAy BABYEE UPDATE U AGAIN💙

-m💙

MOONIE THE LOML <3 AHH IM SORRY I REPLIEF SO LATE BUT I HOPE U ATE WELL HEHE I AM GOODDDD! VV BUSY FOR SOME REASON IT’S LIKE PROJECT SEASON AT MY SCHOOL LIKE I HAVE 3 PROJECTS TO DO 😍😍 hmmhmh u didnt miss much !! my life has been very satisfactory rn i dont have any tea to spill 🙄 i love my irl friends so much i’m lucky enough to be in a rlly secure group of ppl so i’ve been super happy and well!! mmm i’ve been listening to on a ride by red velvet, yummy by after school, and anxiety by jvke recently AND OH OH ANOTHER SUPER GREAT THING. at my school u need to have two hours of service in the sports department to graduate for some wack reason, AND CURRENTLY WE’RE HAVING THIS BIG BASKETBALL TOURNEY right? so so me n my friend were like ok. lets sign up for the first thinf we see CUZ WE WANTED TO GET THESE HOURS DONEEE 😭 AND WE THOUGHT WE SIGNED UP FOR SECURITY, BUT APARENTLY ITS THIS THING CALLED ‘HOSPITALITY’ WHERE ALL WE FUCKING DO IS SIT BEHIND THE TEAM AND CHEER THEM ON AND GIVE THEM THEIR WATER AND SHI ☠️☠️ my other friends have to do like refilling waterbottles and concession and shit meanwhile I GOT FRONT ROW SEATS TO THE GAME FOR DOING NOTHING AND I GET MY HOURS ALONG THE WAY LMAOO 🧌🧌🧌🧌 classic ema W am i right 🙏

AND OMFGGGG THATS SO EXCITING DO U KNOW THE GUY WELL? 😭 DO U THINK U COULD LIKE HIM BACK OR NAH ??? AND YES OFC I MISSED U ur such a sweetheart n’ i love getting ur messages :(( <3 YOU’RE NOT EXAGGERATING AT ALL MY DEAR I RLLY DONT MIND KEEP DOING IT ISHSJNDD MWAH!! and. science is like. my least favourite LMAOOOO 😭 MOON TUTOR ME WTF I LITERALLY SUCK ASS AT EVERYTHING SCIENCE 🙁🙁 THAT DOES SOUND FUN THO I HOPE THE LAB WENT WELL!!! my favorites probably english jsjsjs all i know is i’m a english/socials over math/science person 😭😭😭

YES OF COURSE U TOO DARLING DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND EAT WELL PKAY???? SMOOCH SMOOCH LOVE U TOOOOO 💗💗💗💗💗

[live-love-laugh-lesbian]

hiii!! me again akjsdhkjashd

ELECTRIC SAXOPHONES ARE A THING?!?? WHATTTTT THATS SOO COOL OMG AKSJDHJSDH

omg i think i am 'people' (the type of person who has patience for the latter : visual novel and not the former : working w children askjdhakjsh) i think i just dont have the capability to be able to handle children i cant even handle myself asjdhajsldh

wait thats so cool that your mum works with kids as well! its relatable for me to bc i do computer science and my sister did and her bff does and my bff does its crazy akjsdhkasjh its like a domino affect from person to person lmaooo

oh yeahh i totally get the thing w poorly trained dogs i mainly talk about those tiny harmless ones ir if they are big those sweet chill oness!! ur uncles' dog sounds adorablee!! and so do your cats omg! and thank you <3 i know not alll cats are like that and if i see a cat i will try to pet it ajlsdhalsjhd unless its scared of me ofc

omg i know you mentioned before that your hobbies are sewing and stuff and that you were sewing a trouser but like i didnt know you MADE trousers!! thats soo coolll youre basically a fashion designer!! and lilac trousers i would sooo wear those omg SEQUINED HEARTS AHHHHHHHHH this sounds soo cute

im a sagittarius! one of my best friends is a scorpio!! so whenever i see her now ill think of you!!!! asdaslkdjasld so real w atla lmaooo and also so real w swimming asdjhjasdh

oh yeah i love art too! and spending time w your sister sounds so cute and fun!! and then a date w your gf sounds soo adorable this sounds like such a comfy classic cozy day! i would spend my day probably by playing guitar, art and for the majority sleeping or going on my phone ajksdhkd if its a rainy day id go for a nice hot chocolate and a brownie coated in whipped cream bc who doesnt love whipped cream asdhsaj stardew valleyyy!! my childhoodd!! i like playing games but its mainly like yansim (i swear im not crazy askdjaslkdj i just find it too addictingggg) AKLSHDJKASHD competitive i sooo get that i get really competitive in games as well lmaoo to the point its unhealthy ahhhh

they sound like awesome compliments! for me any compliment is my fav ajksdhkjs i love compliments on my singing, intelligence and this is lowkey weird but my hair ajkshdjsd my hair never looks good for some reason so if someone says it does one day then i will be beaming and happy for the rest of the day ahhh i also love compliments in my art and my coding! and yes professional compliments ESPECIALLY from children are the best validation ever akjshdjksadh

my question for you: what's something about the modern-day world that bothers you, and what’s something about it that brings you joy?

byee! have a lovely dayy!

-swiftie spring exchange anon idek askldhalsjd

Hello again! Apologies if my answer is short, I am ill and very tired but I wanna reply.

Computer science is so cool!! What sort of stuff do you do with that? Programming or uhhh...here's where I show my lack of computer science knowledge...anyways I'm curious XD (Saw you said coding later!! That's so cool!!!)

I getcha XD My other uncle has dogs too! Ex racing greyhounds, he likes to give them a happy retirement. They can be chaotic but I can't blame them too much, they were trained to chase small things after all! As a kid I accidentally stepped on one of their tails...I felt so guilty!! But the dog was chill and I gave him a treat to say sorry XD

I've been making a lot of trousers recently cause I realised I owned like...2. Except then I get more and more ideas and have to narrow them down XD The current pair are...sort of almost done. Made, fabric hearts sewn on, the sequins will go around the edges of them, but it's gonna take a while. Wearing them anyways in the mean time XD

Your day sounds good too!! Brownies my beloved...I have such a sweet tooth it's unreal XD And nah I've played Yansim too. Not for a while, but no judgement! And look if one isn't playing to WIN then what's the point in playing XD (I say that, in games like Stardew Valley I'm more relaxed, but that's not pvp soooo)

Sounds like good compliments!! I used to get compliments on my hair back when it was longer (I was like 18 at the time). It was so long it was inconvenient, I had to move it to sit down lol. And now it's super short XD Complete 180. I'm sure your hair is lovely however!!

Modern day world...tbh how often you need to call people. Like some places don't have emails anymore?? Or require calls anyways?? don't do phone calls really and I HATE the trend of "phone or nothing".

Does government stuff count too? If so like. Governments. They're run so poorly I swear to god. I don't think that's new to the modern world however XD What about you?

Adding to that topic: what's something you hope to see in the next five years? :)

[3000000m]

dear johoney,

idek how to necessarily begin this, but all i can think of saying is that, i miss you. what am i supposed to say you know? “ive changed take me back” thats so fucking stupid. i dont know if ive changed, i dont know if its up to me to determine if ive changed or not. ive just, lived. ive done what i could. i dont think im even asking for you back right now. i dont think id be ready. i need to fix a lot of things, and get myself to a point where, well where i feel like theres no point for me to reach. i just want to live and be. im so sad. i was w someone for a bit, i broke it off bc, well frankly something feels wrong about just being w someone right now. i want to be alone. i remember you told me you wanted to be alone. i dont think it was true. it hurt.

but i want to be alone. i want to find, something. i dont even know. im just here, trying to be happy. find purpose in something. parts of me dont believe im the person i was when you knew me. almost two years. i cant fathom the fact that i feel like i did when you left. those first few months without you. fuck man

i cant think too hard on it, its bad for me. there are days and times i want to cry so bad but i just cant anymore. i feel like i build up emotion to anything and right before the peak of any of it, it goes away and i feel absolutely nothing. its the reason i couldnt love anymore. i cant feel those things fully. dude i dont remember the last time i felt something since it was you. it fucking sucks why did you do this to me

im going to stop. maybe its all my fault.

[gutsncookies]

im going to start this very negative post off with a few W's on blizzards part (rare).

The bastion, cass, mei, sombra, ana and zen changes are good. not amazing and some should've happen an eternity ago but still, good to see.

THE LE SSERAFIM SKINS GO SO HARD OMG I SHAT MYSELF AND THE ART????? WTF ITS SO CUTE AND SO GOOD I LOVE IT.

ok no more positivity fuck you blizzard

WHY ON GODS GREEN EARTH DID BLIZZARD NERF LIFEWEAVER SO MUCH BUT ONLY GIVE A 1 SECOND INCREASE TO SUZU??????

like sure i am very happy with nerfing healing overall but only to lifeweaver??? like "lifeweaver's total healing over a match is significantly higher than any other hero so to help bring it more in line we're making some adjustments to his primary healing blossom" BITCVH THE ONLY THING HE DOES IS HEAL NO SHIT ITS GOING TO HAVE TO BE SIGNIFICANTLY HIGHER WHEN THERE ARE SUPPORTS WHO CAN OUT DAMAGE DPS AND STILL DO GOOD AMOUNTS OF HEALING??????????????????

like nobody is complaining about suzu having too short of a cooldown. THE PROBLEM IS THE IMMORTALITY! same with fucking lamp like do these devs play the game???? a tracer sticking a pulse bomb, which is difficult to do in the first place, shouldn't be countered but some support just pressing a button. ESPECIALLY WHEN THAT SUPPORT CAN TWO TAP TRACER TOO LIKE???

and baptiste lamp is just.............. idek man its hell i dont even want to touch on bap he and kiri have been broken so long like what is happening with this game

widow too like why the fuck did they buff her?? she's a one-shot hero, just like hanzo, she shouldn't be nerfed or buffed she should be fucking reworked or just deleted idgaf this ain't call of duty or csgo. SHE DOESN'T FIT INTO THIS GAME WHAT IS IT YOU DONT UNDERSTAND BLIZZARD NOBODY WANTS TO HIDE BEHIND COVER A WHOLE GAME BECAUSE IF THEY PEEK SLIGHTLY THEY MIGHT GET ONE TAPPED LIKE???? THAT'S NOT COUNTER PLAY THATS A BROKEN HERO SHE'S NOT EVEN FUN TO PLAY EITHER U JUST STAND STILL A WHOLE GAME

[tinybitofhope]

my life rant bc i need this of my chest xxx (ill divide into paragraphs)

okay so the reason i think im aroflux is bcuz i dont feel attraction duh. but fr cuz i need to get this out. saw this one post abt leo valdez and it was like percy telling leo abt what his luv for annie feels like and leo was like ‘ya ill get crushes but i wont find luv bc i am fire and fire burns out and cannot be contained’ and shit like that and i was like…. crap. uhm i relate to that a bit too much. ik im young but like.. my crushes rlly js feel like interests and spending too much time w them. also idek if my most recent sapphic crush was rlly a crush or if i was js tryna prove it to myself im rlly bi. anyways back to my aro rant. and sometimes when i see people in luv im like ‘lmao couldnt be me’ like… okay next rant

omg so i used to be always happy for little and big things but like…. my vball tournament was yesterday and we won against our best opponent but i didnt feel happy??? like i barely even cried. i mean im glad we won but it feels like im holding smth that i like in my hands but js not enjoying ig??? i feel vv empty rn and i dont like the feeling of that but then again thats how ive been feeling for a while so im trying to ignore it.

its so sad on how i keep being friends w him (ill name him kris) even tho he literally outed me, but this is such a small skl and i dont think i could ever leave my friend. tbh loyalty is a big thing for me, ever. thats why it hurts so much when i think about everyone having someone except for me. its like being the third wheel in every single relationship (familial, friendship) i have with anybody. anyways i rlly have to stop being friends w people who wronged me but when i think abt them i think abt all the good times w them and then think that they (alliteration) could still be my friend. but like i said before its a small skl and everyone knos eachother…

back on that third wheel thing, like i said b4 loyalty is big for me. so when someone betrays me or like leaves me out i get soooo anxious and start going into frenzies like ‘oh ofc theyre hanging out together’ bc now my trio feels like m&a plus me. and everyone has their pair they talk to all the time, so what abt me? nonzo. its so hard during family shit bc im the middle child whereas there is only two children in each family and somim stuck w the older cousins (dw i luv em) but like… i feel so out of place.

i hate hate hate doing big things and then right after i have to go socialize? like no.. im tired asf. sometimes talking makes me want to cry and hide ipunder my sheets and scroll on pinterest while listening to my peaceful playlist. and it sucks bc i share a room w my sister and so i cant even do that in peace. i turned off my crying mode aswell and i dont kno how to turn it back on so at most i can shed a few tears so thats not fun. bc yknow how people say ‘crying is good for u’. me rn: 🤠

so what did we learn? that my life sucks ass and i want to curl up and die. and on that happy note goodbye!!!

[loveandpain312]

dump

I just need to do a dump of all the things bugging me or that I need to get out real quick.

1. Work has been slow which is just so annoying because it’s so painful to be at work because its so boring all the time, but also of course I am always stressing and worrying about the money im making. It’s not HORRIBLE...but it’s not as good as in the past, and i just want to be making so much money since im working so much. Im always stressing at work about making as much as possible and it just feels so hard to even make 100 sometimes. And since i dont make much i feel i need to work more but that takes away from other parts of my life. But I dont want to stress...i want to just let go and not worry about it. Any money is good and it adds to what I have. It wouldnt be worth it to find another job or start somewhere new. 

2. Something about veda feels off or is just bugging me rn. It kinda feels like our frienship is in an off vibe rn and idek why. I feel like when I talk to her she’s been more judgey and serious w me but not in a helpful way. I feel like there’s no fun in our relationship rn cuz everything is about something serious. And her reactions about my england path and ryan just feel so insincere and like shes not genuinely happy or rooting for me. But me being me, I then wonder if IM the one thats judging myself, and if I feel this from Veda because it’s a projection of my own insecurities. It’s probably a little of both honestly. 

But also, this is the part of me that I DISLIKE...has been so annoyed w veda and her situation cuz i dont get why she doesnt just get a job on top of blooming brightly. SHE HAS TIME FOR IT, but all she does is sit and stress and complain about money. Its just kinda tiring hearing her stress over and oer again and have to reassure her over and over again everything is gonna be fine. And what I REALLY DONT GET being so annoyed about is her wedding. THe fact that they are getting married when veda is literally broke and I get their family is paying for the wedding and idk what part of me is so bitter feeling about weddings, but i just find it so conceited to make other people pay for your entire wedding day. IDK.like idk why it angers me so much rn its weird. But the fact everyone has to pay so much money for THEM to get tied by the government is just ridiculous to me. Of course people can help out, but to me its just a stupid part of society that gives me bratty selfish vibes. I love veda and want to support her because she is a great friend, but having to pay so much for her to get married is just whack to me. When i get married my goal is for it to be the littlest amount of cost period. 

THose things all bug me that they bug me. It makes me feel like a bitter selfish person and i hate it. I just wanna be good...selfless, loving and good. Why am I like this?

Lastly just my stress about my relationship and moving. I want to do it. when ryan comes home I hope it helps assure me. But i constantly wonder if this is the relationship im meant for. 

[hyunverse]

hehehehe ur cute. i’m so happy to hear ur day was good :)). i cry at movies too 😔. this is so embarrassing but i legit cried at the end of the sonic movie like the 2020 one … IT WAS JUST A SOFT ENDING OKAY 😔😔😔. I COULDNT HELP IT 😔😔. SAME grocery shopping is smth i always look forward to. i swear the cereal section is the best bc it’s just so bright. like everything else has such bland packaging and then the cereal section is just boom color and happy characters and cute logos like it’s just the best. THEY HAD MY FAVE PASTRYY it’s called spanakopita and it’s soooo yum. it’s a spinach and ricotta blend in this rly flakey pastry it’s so so so good. same i love them all sm. andddd let’s just say the dogs here are definitely city dogs so they’re a lot more immune ….? to odd things …? and to doing odd things ???? and their owners just aren’t even phased it’s so strange 😭

LMFAO ITS TRUE THEYRE LIKE DORITOS 😭😭 yep ik exactly what ur talking about and it’s perfffff. nothing better than some nice collarbones too. they look so delicate and kissable gahhhh. hyunjins make me dizzy. sooooo delicate and longgggg he’s so <333333333. victor 100% unreachable visual who is the blueprint. howl pendragon can come into my life and ruin it rn now pls. talk about perfect man ?? like yes bring him here pls 🙏🏼. LIKE AN ERASER 😭😭 UR LITERALLY RIGHT BC WHY R THEY SO HUGE ?? i love it tho hehe

ohhhh okay yes that makes sense, that’s so cool to think of. all the fast food in america sucks tbh 💔. i’d much rather mcdonalds from another country than whatever we have. every fast food thing here is just … boring. and expensive now so you’re better off just going somewhere else yk ? agreed i don’t customize my orders ever, but i do like to add cold foam to my coffee hehe. it’s just so rich and creamy and delish. and the machines are always “broken” bc they just don’t want to clean it 😭. they’re a pain to clean so i understand but if i want a mcflurry, i want a mcflurry 😠. andddd now i’m craving pandan leaf chicken as well <///3 so smokey and delish grrrr i love food

HYUNJIN DOES FLIRT THROUGH DANCING OMFG. he’s so perfect i actually get frustrated. like i don’t understand how someone can have that many ideal qualities and just exist. how does he live w himself knowing he is the IDEAL MAN ?? IDEK WHAT ID DO W MYSELF. FELIX IS DEFFF ACTING UP. but seeing this confidence on him is so attractive 🤭🤭🤭. i feel like that’s another thing that makes hyunes dancing so attractive bc you can tell he’s so content while doing it and how all of his moves are so articulated GAHHH i could watch him dance all day. imagine dating him and just being able to watch him practice ?? him winking at you in the mirror every now and then ohhhhh i’d pass out

i hope ur sleeping well my pretty 💗💗 kisses 4 uuuuu

- 🐈‍⬛

sonic movie??? ive never heard of anyone crying over the sonic movie T_T then again i cant judge because ive never watched it. dw bae, i cry over soft endings too. we have issues and its ok!! tbh i cry over fluff more than i cry over angst. it's just that i get so overwhelmed by the love, that it makes me sob yk? i sound insane, dont i </3 whats ur fave cereal? i love the milo crunch cereal, tastes like milo but make it cereal!!! and i googled spanakopita and omg. . .it looks mouth-watering. gonna attempt to find a place which sells them here. talking abt pastries, 'm going to a cafe with my mum tmr for breakfast, so im looking forward to that!!

anything abt hyunjin makes me dizzy tbh. the recent dancing vids of hyune 😵‍💫 hes out to get me fr fr. management pls make him stop body rolling on stage bcs it makes me sick!! (pls dont i love it when he does) HOWL IS SO PERFFFFFFF. THE MAN! i could talk about the plot of howl's moving castle for hours. i love the plot twist, how howl has been searching for sophie for years. thats true love right there! also jeongin hand pics has been all over my fyp come save me!! save me from this monstrosity.

the american slander 😭cmere bae i'll take u to a mcdonalds 🙏i'll give you all the mcflurrys you want. its always available here <333 now im craving for an oreo mcflurry omg... and pandan leaf chicken zzz

STOP FEEDING INTO MY DELUSIONS, MY LOVE. WHY ARE YOU PUTTING SUCH THOUGHTS INTO MY HEAD? i want hyunjin to give me a private show (not in an nsfw way i swear) he looks so enchanting on stage, i'd love to sit in front of him, alone with him and just watch him dance. he puts so much thought and emotion in his movements, it's amazing how he could do that all while ensuring every move is precise. making it all look easy is also one thing. oh the winks would be the death of me. i feel like he'd cling on u right after too <333 will ask for lil reward kisses after practise <3 did u see the vid of felix lifting his shirt up to make people scream for muddy water? hes in his hot guy and he knows it era. love it for him 🙏

also, today, seungmin and felix went live. i got to watch it and it was so chaotic T_T it was them attempting to make candy but failing at doing so </3 i mean what did we expect from them tbh.

hope ur day is going well, sweet darling. thousand of kisses for u <333!!

[i-am-a-fucking-nerd]

im so tired and i messaged my best friend to check in on them and they said all they’re doing rn is waiting for a friend of theirs to wake up. and it feels like they haven’t been making an attempt to talk to me at all lately even tho i feel like i’ve been trying and i just. they didn’t initiate anything at all td. or ask how i was. it’s just. a great way to be feeling after the shitty day i’ve had. to hear that my favorite person in the world is just waiting for someone else to wake up and making no attempt to talk to me at all.

[gumdecay]

.

[4yo-yo4]

yesterday was such a good day

sorry this is gonna be reeeeallly long lol

I was w Bee in the morning and my brother was throwing around a ball with his friend and Bee said “Caroline, watch out!!!” Lol bc they were gonna hit me and i was like huh? but the ball went past me and she said “How do you not have fast reflexes by now? I have a son- you have a brother and you dont have fast reflexes? Come ooonnnn” Lolll

there was one point where they would’ve actually hit me but i dodged it and she said “That was better!”

and then they started throwing it over her head 💀 she ducked down after the other kid caught the ball and i thought to myself “where those fast reflexes at?”

also before all that she was talking to me about how her grade (1st) is singing at mass saturday and she joked “Do I have to go tomorrow if I’m already going to mass today? I dont wanna… is that bad? sorry🤣🤣”

she went to mass yesterday (friday) w the school bc we all go to mass as a school on friday morning

but usually the younger grades don’t go, they just livestream it bc of covid and i didn’t know they were coming yesterday

Even after she said that I still didn’t know because I was so lost in thought thinking about how beautiful she is and how she was talking to me and how much i love her laugh

so i was so surprised when I saw her and i was like omggggg she’s hereeeee AAAA

that’s when our whole convo actually registered in my head 💀

and she was glancing at me during mass 😏 Lol

I had forgotten my chromebook at home yesterday, so i asked my dad to bring it and he said he would

i went to lunch and still didn’t have it so i was like wtv he prob forgot about it its fine

I saw Bee on the way to lunch and she said hi 🥰

later I was sitting at a table eating & waiting for my friends when I saw her come back out of the corner of my eye and i was like 😮‍💨 act cool act cool just be normal

and i noticed she was walking towards me so i turned around and SHE HAD MY CHROMEBOOK

she handed it to me and she said

( she was talking very fast and she seemed kinda nervous it was so adorable)

hi i had your chromebook.. i probably should’ve just brought it with me when i came to do lunch duty in the first place but i forgot it sorry bye

awe 😭❤️

and then at the end of the day i ran into her as she was leaving and she was taking one of her students outside with her for his parents to pick him up and she said to him “Do you know who that is? 😁🤩 That’s Mrs. ********’s daughter! Caroline this is Carlos.” (my mom is his teacher)

~~~~~~~~~~

i went to church today again

(tooootally to see her class and not her)

i wasn’t even sure if she would be there but I still got all pretty and went

I didnt see her come in

she walked past me and i was like 😍😍😍

she was with her husband of course (Chris😜🤑☠️)

when little kids go up to sing and do little dances at masses, their teachers sit on the floor in front of them against the pews so they’re kinda hidden and they do the hand motions to the songs to help the little ones remember

my mom didn’t really know them, so she had asked me to sit and help the kids too

and when I was walking up to sit, Bee was behind me and she said “oh my god I’m sitting with Caroline- Where are you sitting?” and she touched the back of my arm 🥺 it felt so nice

she sounded like me talking excitedly to my friends whenever I see her lolll

and she sat with me and we did it and it was so adorable

the kids love her so much its the sweetest thing

and her face is so cute when she says hi to them and they give her hugs omg she looks so happy

my heart hurts every time i think about it

like rn

i get literal pains im so in love with her

im so scared for next year bc im going to a different school and most likely never will see her again

but i hate thinking about that

im not the church kinda person but im gonna go every single weekend just to see her

gosh i never knew i was capable of loving so much

bruh idek what to do with all of this emotion