#im so sick and tired of you people taking every single little joy from things

[phoenix-of-jade]

"Old?" he asked, shocked by the kid's words. He's never got beef with a child before, yet here he was, flabbergasted by a child calling him old and tired. "Eh, judging by how much I work, I must look like someone going to war every single day" he laughed in the end but it was still going to bug him for a while. He was probably going to take better care of himself. Children were honest, so if a child saw him as a ruin what do people his age think of him?

But all was forgotten as he saw the pure joy in Xuan's eyes as soon as he got his sweet snack. As they sat down, he also started to eat his own sweet treat, the carbs withdrawal was a thing and he was feeding that craving right now, the sugar rush going straight to his brain, feeding those dopamine needs. It seemed like he woke up cranky this morning but nothing like a delicious crepe couldn't fix. "So, as a first time experience, you like crepes?" he chuckled and gave Xuan a napkin to wipe his mouth with. "Now I'm a cool guy? I thought I'm old and I look like I just got WWII?" he laughed again, knowing that his witty mind would catch on that. "No worries. Now finish up so we can start searching again. It might get late and Im sure everyone is worried sick about you right now."

Xuan nodded and took another bite of his crepe, the pure delight readable all over his tiny little face. "This is truly amazing! Nothing like the stuff I've had before in terms of desserts, although to be fair, we don't really get much in terms of sweets back at the boarding schools. They give us pudding and maybe the occasional baked sweet potato or cake slice, but other than that, we don't really get to eat stuff like this." It was probably due to the fact that they had to maintain a healthy and fit body, since the only purpose of the students was to become usable assets of the organization, so they probably missed out on a lot of childhood's delights and joys, such as very unhealthy, but sweet delicious foods. Xuan then thanked him for the napkin and carefully wiped his mouth, cleaning himself in between bites, whenever he felt that he was getting messier.

Say what you will, but Kibum had to admit that this kid had some sort of manners, given his strict attention to his appearance and cleanliness. "You are still old and you look like crap, that hasn't changed, but that doesn't mean you can't also be a cool guy to be around, okay?" And back to the brutally savage honesty from before. "All in all, I do think that you are an alright person, gege. Maybe a bit bland, but you are nice. I can tell that you are a good person, given that you stuck by me and try your best to help me, so really, thanks for everything." Xuan gave him a faint smile, then took out his phone to check the time and see if he'd gotten any messages from his friends... Yeah, this kid had a cellphone on him all along and he hadn't even cared to mention about it. Was it all a ploy just to get Kibum to buy him free sweets and carry his backpack around? "Ah, it's getting late. We should really hurry to find Cheng and Xia!" The kid tosses the phone back and hurries to finish the crepe.

[thewolfisapartofmysoul]

Okay lovelies...

Dewey finn x reader fic. Our sweet Dewey Finn gets the reader a dog as a suprise. Superfluffy!

Got an amazing request from @bugdrinkss

And iknow it essentially was an ask about a puppy... But it turned out an older dog. At the end of this fic I'll explain why.

Hope you enjoy reading.

Melody

You smiled as you looked around the group you was teaching, all the puppies looked tiredly back at you from their spots. A beautifull sight, especially with the setting sun shining a warm orange light upon the pups.

"Okay guys... you and the doggos have been working hard. Good job. Let's wrap it up for tonight. Class dismissed." you joked to your group as everyone took their dog on the leash and walked off the training-field. You snickered when you saw most of the puppies were too tired to walk to the car properly, their tiny paws clearly heavy from the 30 minute class.

"Hey... guys... carry the pups if they are too tired to walk okay...? Tiny legs means a bigger distance to get to the car. Help those babies a bit. See you guys next week."

When the group left you huffed as you went to clean up the field. You loved training dog's... but the puppy groups always wore you out. Tiny braincells, tiny concentration and high expectations from the humans attached to them.

You checked your phone. Dewey called. He knew you were teaching, and he should be at band-practice tonight. You frowned and decided to call him back. Worried something was up, you cursed silently as the phone rang...

"Mister Finn... you better remembered to bring your house key this time..." you groaned tiredly.

Your eyebrows shot up as you heared the sound of the gate to the field opening, at the other side of the field. Weird... you thought everyone had left. Just when you were about to take a look, Dewey picked up his phone. "...Hey dear..." he spoke.

You heared the smirk in his voice even through the phone. This made you smile a bit, his voice never failed to cheer you up. "Hey Dew... you called?"

Dewey replied with a hum: "...yeah i did. Hey... erhm... sweety... CATCH!"

You was about to ask what the hell he ment by that, when a tennisball flew your way from across the field. You yelped and by reflex catched the thing before it hit your nose.

You heard Dewey chuckle through the phone, and you saw him strutting towards you from across the field.

"Hey sweetheart... you got a hell of a reflex..."

He hang up the phone and waved a dorky wave your way yelling: "Good catch babe!"

You smirked and took a deep dramatic bow... "Thankyou very much for that almost-hit-in-the face... Hey rockstar! Why aren't you jamming with the guys?"

Dewey pulled you into a kiss by the dog-leash that was dangling loosely around your shoulders. "...Ned got sick, so no band-practice for me tonight." he pouted. "So i figured I'd come and stalk my dog-teaching girlfriend to see her in action."

You kissed him again, ruffeling your hands through his brown locks and pulled away. "Thats so sweet Dew. You sure you wanna stay? It's getting a bit cold and I still gotta teach one more group before I'm done."

He pecked your lips again, smiling happily when he did so. "... I'd love nothing more sweetheart." He mumbled, his hands caressing your sides as he spoke.

You grinned: "Okay champ... Lets get moving then. Gotta set the field up for the older dogs. I need the hoops and the long leashes... do you mind getting them for me, Dew?"

Dewey smiled at your excited antics. Loved seeing you bounce in excitement when you guided the dogs and their owners. Practically buzzing with excitement he happily watched you teach your group. He smiled seeing you put your heart and soul in your favorite 'resque-group'.

You've been a dog trainer for 4 years now, and according to your clients... a good one too.

The most fun you had with the 'extra special' classes. The dogs that were shelterdogs or resque-cases or second-hand-home-assecoires...

The world gave up on those lovely furry souls because they had some 'luggage'... and it gave you great joy to make the dogs and their owners understanding each other better.

When the lesson was over and everyone left you skipped over to were Dewey was lounging. Your still excited form kissed him deeply, and he tugged you closer by your waist. You felt his rosy, warm, scruffy chin brush against yours and he tickled your side as he murmered between kisses: "Hey... you rocked with that group... Those are some awesome dogs, man... especially the brown with white one. What's his name again?"

You smiled and your eyes lit up at his comment. You caressed Deweys stubble and he had to hold your shoulders to stop you from bouncing. "That beauty is Melody. She's the best of my class. But the owners still try to find her a good second home, they are forced to move to an appartment where there are no dogs allowed."

Dewey frowned a bit and he stroked your hair when he asked: "They are lining up for that beauty, right? Can't be that hard to find her a home..."

You smiled at Dewey. He noticed the smile didnt reach your eyes though. You sighed deeply: "Well Dew... Melody carries some... instructions with her. This is my fixer-upper class remember?" Dewey nodded, and you continued: "Melody is a sweetheart, but she's got some issues. They can't find her a home, because she's scared to be left alone, and is quite vocal. She barks and howls a lot. With proper training, thats fixable. But most people dont have the time or patience..."

He pulled you close to kiss your forehead, his hand lay on your cheek as the other drew patterns on your lower back. You swallowed deeply and looked him in the eyes. Your heart always went out to your clients and dogs, but Melody was different.

Dewey pulled you into a big hug after he saw the flash of hurt in your eyes. He knew you loved your groups, and every single dog in it... Melody was no exception. He pulled you flush him and you buried your face in his neck. His arms held you tight. You sighed at his sweet gesture. Reveling and drowning in his comfort, hugging Dewey grounded your emotions a bit.

"Im gonna help you love. I'll ask around at school for you okay? I'll flyer around the bars... we're gonna find Melody a good home. Okay?" Dewey mumbled against your hair and you nodded.

You were gonna do this together.

You looked happily up at Dewey, and gave him a quick peck on his lips before shouting: "Last one to gather all the hoops is a loser!" And you bolted halfway the scentence.

Dewey shook his head with a smirk on his lips, trying to race you to gather the hoops.

.....

Later that week you came home from grocery shopping and you dropped your bags tiredly in the kitchen. You walked over to the kettle to make yourself some tea. Dewey was in the living room, and you heard him jamming at his guitar. The humming of his voice and the sound of his guitarstrings were always a happy sound to listen to. You smiled a bit and shouted to Dewey: "Hey rockstar... want some coffee?!" He yelled back at you: "Would love some sweetheart! I'll be there in a sec...."

You brought the coffee machine to life and fixed Dew a cup, after that you plucked some mint off the plant and put some honey in a teacup.

You heard the water had starting to boil, the high whistling sound of the cettle filling your ears. You calmly went over to the stove to turn it of, but frowned at the sound coming from behind you.

A howl reached your ears. A howl?

You quickly turned around and looked straight in the happy face of Melody. Still howling happily together with the cettle on the stove.

You quickly turned off the stove and crouched, Melody jumping in your arms. You chuckled when she licked your nose and made a happy noice.

"Hey... hey... my happy high note... whatcha doing here sweety?"

Melody barked at you excitedly and ran out of the kitchen to the living room.

You curiously followed the dog and was suprised with the sight of Dewey standing awkwardly in the living room. With a leash in his hands and a dog bed at his feet. You noticed quickly that the dog-bed had little guitars on it, and you couldn't hold back a smirk. Dewey's face was a mixture of excitement and nerves, but he smiled brightly at you. "Hey love, welcome home. I erhmmmmm...." he awkwardly scratched his stubble and you saw the knuckles of the hand that was holding the dog leash turning white. Your eyes darted down towards the food bowl at your feet, that said 'Melody'.

You beamed at Dewey and squeeled a high pitched sound as you launched yourself into his arms happily. You squeezed him tightly against you and kissed his cheeck while you reached for his brown locks. You heared him mumble against your neck: "....IMightHaveAdoptedMelody...."

You jumped up and down in excitement and pulled back to press a sweet, excited kiss on Deweys lips. He pulled back and continued: "... i just... want you to be happy... and i think you would be an amazing dog mom..."

At that Melody howled again, making Dewey and you look up from your embrace. Dewey kneeled and melody pressed her wet nose against his hand, asking for a cuddle too. Dewey chuckled when Melody sang in sync with the "awwwwwhh..." you chocked out at the sight. You pulled dewey into another happy kiss again and chuckled at the confusion on the face of your boyfriend. Melody was sitting in front of you both, touching the leash in deweys hands repeatedly with his nose.

Dewey looked up at you with a dumbfounded expression. You smiled softly at him... man... he had a long way to go.

You petted Deweys hair and murmered against his lips: "Someone wants to go for a walk dad..."

He smirked at that, kissed your lips and turned towards Melody. With a high pitched voice he sang against her: "Melody... you wanna go on a walk with mom and dad?" Melody barked, chased her own tail happily and lay down. You and Dewey laughed at the obvious awnser. You took the dog leach in one hand, and Deweys fingers in the other and walked out the front door.

Suddenly a thought hit you. "Hey Dew...."

He turned his head to look at you: "Yes dear?"

You squeezed his hand a bit, kissed his scruffy cheek again and continued: "Melody's dog class is at tuesday.... bring her ball and a lots of kisses to woo the teacher okay? I expect you at 8..."

The reason i chose a grown dog instead of a puppy. In my opinion puppies are way too often bought in an impuls or whitout much thought into it. Iknow a lot of dogs who have to go to shelters because the owner has no idea about the specialisations of the breed he gets, or is givin a dog as a gift. Character and breed are a big thing, every dog (breed) has his own needs. Remember this. Please... do research to find out if the dog you are going to buy is a match.

@ironmansuucks @paxenera @heknowshisherbs @hoodoo12 @large-unit @little-miss-shy-goth @thats-specific @vicunaburger @go-commander-kim @stranger-strings @bugdrinkss

[the-small-one-to-rule-them-all]

Wingless

summary: Virgil has gone his whole life without wings and has been just fine, thank you very much. In a world filled with winged people he sticks out like a sore thumb, and he is fine being the only one. But then again maybe he isn’t as alone as he thought. 

pairing)s): Platonic moxiety, platonic Royality, platonic anaroyality) background romantic? logicality (mentions of plans to go on a date)

warnings: a vague mention of amputation, mentions of difficulties with accessibility, I think that’s it actually, this is pretty fluffy, but please let me know if I missed anything!

a/n: so this has been sitting around on my computer for a while. I tried to expand it but it wasnt working and im tired of editing it over and over tbh. It’s pretty sweet and fluffy. I hope you enjoy!   (also obviously the idea of the sides having wings isn’t mine or even remotely original lol, but this is my own universe and my own spin on the idea)

Virgil has gone his whole life without wings and has been just fine, thank you very much. Maybe he is a little defensive and has learned to stand up for himself. But he has had to, and it’s not like knowing how to stand your ground and fight back is a bad thing. Maybe he still thinks he is broken, but it’s not like there is anything he can do about it. He has never met anyone else without wings afterall. If not having wings makes finding an accessible job really difficult, so be it. If not having wings makes people stare and less willing to trust him, oh well, he just stares right back. He’s alone, and that’s fine, he has come to terms with that reality.   

Virgil’s whole world changes when he sees someone else without wings on the subway one day.

He awkwardly approaches them as they happen to get off at the same stop as him, “Excuse me?” he says, gently laying a hand on their arm. 

The person turns with a start, “Yes? What is it?” they ask, peering over a round set of glasses. 

Virgil opens his mouth and tries to say something but nothing comes out. So, he just stares for a second before turning and showing the man that he doesn't have wings either.

The man gives him a grin, “Oh hey, we match!”

Virgil smiles a little, “I didn't think there was anyone else like me.” he mumbles. 

The man lays a hand on Virgil’s shoulder, “Well you definitely aren’t alone. Actually, there are more of us than you might think. If you’re not busy right now i'm actually heading to a support group for people without wings. You’re welcome to join me.” “Oh, uh yeah, okay... I'd love to.” Virgil was about to head to his favorite record store, but he supposed it couldn't hurt to go visit, it’s not like he really has anything else to do. Besides, it’s probably better he doesn’t spend the money and he doesn’t think he could say no if he tried. 

The man smiles and holds out his hand to Virgil, “I should probably introduce myself, i'm Patton.”

“Nice to meet you Patton, i'm Virgil.” He says, shaking Patton’s hand.

“Well Virgil, i'm glad we met.”

“Me too.” Virgil says, turning to look around, “Now where is this meeting thing you were talking about?”

Patton grabs Virgil’s hand and turns walking out of the subway, “It’s not far from here, only about a few minute walk.” 

Virgil stumbles as the unexpected pull drags him forward, but only for a moment. When they get outside he is able to better get his bearings and Patton lets go of his hand as the foot traffic is practically nonexistent.

Patton turns to Virgil, “Oh, You’re probably wondering why I don't have any wings, huh?”

Virgil shrugs, “Well I didn't want to be rude, I get that question a lot, but yeah I am genuinely curious.”

Patton smiles, “I understand, but I offered, so It’s no problem to share. Apparently when I was a super small child I got sick and my wings got infected and had to be amputated to keep me alive. I don't remember having them as that happened when I was about one year old, but anyway. What about you? If you don't mind sharing.”

Virgil nods, “I don't mind. It’s kinda weird though, I was actually born without wings. I've seen tons of doctors, none of them has any idea why. I'm fine, healthy, nothing out of the ordinary, and my birth was perfectly normal and healthy. I just... Don't have wings.”

Patton hums, “I know someone like that, I don't know if they’ll be at the group today but if they are I'll be sure to introduce you. I think you would get along well.”

There is a lull in the conversation and, as the time passes, Virgil is finally starting to process everything that just happened. He is hit with a strange sense of hope? Excitement? Joy? And some other positive emotion Virgil feels but can't quite identify. He is just trying to find a word for it when Paton drags him in the front door of some building he hadn’t noticed. He walks in and sees a room full of people, every single one of them without wings. 

Virgil just stops dead in his tracks and stares. The reality of it hits him like a wall. Virgil is reeling. He isn't alone. He isn't some strange defect alone in a world of “normal” people. There are other people like him. That means... maybe, just maybe, there isn't anything wrong with him. He... He feels like he belongs.

He doesn't even notice that he is crying until Patton asks him what’s wrong. 

“Absolutely nothing.” Virgil mumbles.

Patton lays a comforting hand on Virgil’s shoulder, “This must be a lot for you. I was a bit overwhelmed my first time too, and I knew that there were other people without wings. Take your time to adjust. Oh, and just so you know, the group is a rather informal space where we can sit around and just talk about things. Feel free to join a conversation whenever you’re ready.”

Virgil gives Patton a small nod and takes a deep breath trying to steady himself as he takes another look around. He wipes his eyes and another man approaches him, “Hey there, I haven't seen you here before.”

“It’s my first time here, you couldn’t’ve had the chance.”

“Well then, welcome! I’m Roman.” The man says with a comically deep bow.

Virgil smirks, “Hi Roman, i'm Virgil.”

“Well Virgil, it's great to meet you! How did you hear about us?”

Virgil blinks, “Well, to be honest, I met Patton getting off the subway not ten minutes ago.”

Roman’s eyes go wide, “Oh dang, well this must be pretty new to you huh?” 

“That’s an understatement.” Virgil chuckles wryly.

“Well, I hope you like it here.”

“I do, haven’t done much yet, but it doesn’t seem bad either. I just have a question.”

Roman raises an eyebrow, “Shoot”

Virgil sighs, “This is gonna sound really stupid, but what are those?” he says pointing to some things scattered around the room.

“You mean the chairs?” Roman asks, very obviously doing his best to hide his laughter.

Virgil scowls, “I mean yeah, I get that they’re chairs. I figured they were meant for sitting on, but what is that attached to the seat?”

Roman chuckles, “They’re for our pet dragons to perch on.” 

Virgil tilts his head, looking at Roman, confused and exasperated. 

Roman’s smile disappears, “Oh, you... you were being serious, weren't you?”

Virgil nods, “Yeah, and i'm still confused.” he says folding his arms.

Roman nods, “Okay, sorry. The backs of the chairs are for leaning against, they are a lot more comfortable that way. We’re just having a social hang out night tonight, nothing super organized or fancy, you’re bound to see someone sit down at some point.”

Virgil rolls his eyes, “Why not show me how it works? Im mean it can't be-”

He is interrupted as Patton bounces up to them, “Oh Virgil, you met Roman, how nice! He was the person I was wanting to introduce you to!” Patton says, giving Roman a hug.

Roman hugs him back, pulling back to clap Patton on the shoulder, “Nice to see you again, Padre. How did things go the other night with Logan? I just have to know!”

“Nice to see you too, Roman.” He chuckles, “You didn't tell me Logan was such a nerd.”

Roman huffs.

“Oh, calm down, it went well. He really is great. He is so sweet and beautiful and smart. We’re actually going on a date tonight”

Roman smiles, “That’s wonderful! I'm glad you two are getting on so well!”

Virgil smirks, “You seeing anyone, Roman?”  

Roman shakes his head, “No actually, I am between princes at the moment,” he admits scratching the back of his head, “I'm more of a matchmaker than an actual match you know.”

Virgil nods, “Ah. Yeah, I get that.” 

At that moment Patton grabs Virgil, tugging him away. “Oh Virgil, you should come meet my friend Harriet, they’re right over here. You’ll love them.”

And with that Roman was laughing and waving as Patton dragged him away.

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[terryblycute]

2020

overall this year was bad. bad, just like any other, how its always been, so nothing special. im writing this because my memory is getting worse and worse, and im sick of not remembering

corona lowkey annoying cuz i couldnt visit my friends on new years eve, but other than that everythings the same. on a positive note i didnt have to work as much either, and on a negative note i didnt get as much money. but thats alright.

((rude, unempathetic rant incoming. i know what im about to say is stupid but its my feelings and i want to talk about it regardless. if anyones reading, skip this)) what HAS been bothering me the most about corona is all the „2020 bad“ memes and people legitimately complaining about it. cuz like... nothing has changed. every year is horrible. it always has been. every year innocent people die, and nobody can do anything about it. of course i feel horrible for the people who lost their income/housing or family members because of it, and they have all the rights to complain... but lets be honest. none of the people i talk to were affected in any way by it. and the majority of people i hear talking about it havent lost their family/friends or homes to it either. its just a mild inconvenience to them, not being able to party without being arrested or seeing their friends or some shit. boo hoo, im alone all the time and never see any of my friends either and at this point im completely love & touch starvated regardless of corona. get over it

so... corona things out of the way, ive started thinking about my mental illnesses & trauma... A LOT. ive never thought about it all that much, because critical thinking is not something im able to do, usually. ive been reading lots of comix of people talking about/depicting mental illness, so i guess that kind of inspired and changed something in me, if i like it or not.

well, it turns out there is a shitton to unpack. i mean, ive always known there is so much wrong with me... but i was never really aware, if that makes sense. im still in the dark about most things, but its all coming together, little by little. i dont want to put my finger on anything, because im dumb, but at this point im 100% sure autism/aspergers isnt the only thing i got. far from it, in fact.

ive also learned that a lot of things in my life have left me with genuine, significant trauma, which ive never really realized before. i just thought the way i react to some things is cuz im, yknow... a whiny bitch. to name a few things:

me getting defensive/snappy when people of „authority“ (family, caretakers, doctors) ask me if im tired, how late i went to bed etc bc it is indirectly tied to why i was forced into psychiatry & the abuse i had to suffer there

fight or flight response activating when people talk about being in support of outdoor cats (i dont even want to fucking elaborate. tl;dr: my cat was almost killed by outdoor cat people and would be dead now if i hadnt gotten my shit together and worked hard on getting my own apartment, where he is safe. ive recieved no support & only been demonized during this time). this is a genuine fucking trigger

my rocky relationship with my mother and my thoughts about her, who is a genuinely good person, but managed to fuck me over, rip my entire ass apart and ruin my life regardless. also her lowkey restrictive/controlling upbringing stunting me for life

my huge, life-impairing abandonment issues. i dont even know where they come from, all i ever experienced were regular breakups & rejections with no hard feelings that just hit me especially hard for no reason i guess

how i cannot bear to be alone in a discord voice channel waiting for people to join & my stunted ability to talk to people when im alone with them (i got actively excluded by my best friends for being suicidal & a downer, they created a discord voice channel i couldnt see & didnt have access to for them to be without me, all while i was waiting all day long alone in our regular channel for someone to join me, in the same server)

relatedly, my inability to talk about my problems & mental illnesses with them. is also related to the cat incident

also my inability to show affection ever since my best friend stopped telling me „i love ya“

nothing else i can think of rn

i also realized that something is fundamentally, objectively wrong with me. i cant really talk about it... but the actions of one of my friends made it clear to me. it was proof that, somehow, im imbued with the horrifying essence of some eldritch lovecraftian horror being, repulsing everyone without them even realizing, unable of being loved. and its just... this knowledge, its too heavy to bear, for a single human being. i dont know what to do. i will have to live with this for the rest of my life - and i cant do anything about it.

ive also reconnected with an old friend over animal crossing, who introduced me to some other old friends (they were more like aquaintances back then, really), and in one of them ive found a friend for life, pretty much. but theyre all great, really.... i seriously appreciate that. they took my mind off my other best friend, whos been kind of ignoring my needs, resulting in me having panic attacks every day.

also, im making more of an effort to talk to & reply to the people i care about, cuz i have this friend who would chat me up every now and then, without me ever messaging him, just for me to ignore him for a couple hours cuz im too tired/busy/whatever... so at one point i was like „wait, what am i doing? hes one of the few friends who actually makes an effort, and i really care about this bitch!!“, so i went ahead and got my shit together, as best as i can at least (depressions still a bitch but im trying)

one last thing i wanna talk about... my view on life. this is gonna be huge, i think. big trigger warning for suicide stuff & other negative shit

im suicidal. always have been. thats not a secret, everyone who knows how to read between the lines (i cant, but most people do) can see that. sometimes you dont even have to, cuz im telling you outright. i usually dont talk about this openly though, not to my friends at least, cuz people only put up with suicidals for so long, and i cant afford to lose anyone else... ahem. anyways, something changed in the way i see suicide. when i was younger, i wanted to die because the pain i had to bear was just too great. there was no hope. and its still true - the pain is unbearable. i am in pain every waking moment. i have been for almost 11 years now. there is no joy, there is no happiness, there is only distraction.

however, thats not the reason i wanna die anymore. i think think that if i put in effort, i think i could be... not in pain, all the time anymore. but, heres the thing: i dont want to. im too tired, im too broken. i dont want to change, and i dont want anyone else to change. now i just want to die, for the sake of it. because i love death, with all of my heart. i think death is the best thing that could happen, to anyone. i 100% believe death is the only thing that will save you, ever. i am not exaggerating when i say „i love death“. and to live, without having the means to safely & efficiently kill myself... its destroying me. i get panic attacks every week thinking about it. what if someone else leaves me? im not gonna take it anymore, i refuse to. i refuse to keep suffering, but to end my suffering once and for all i have to die. i really, truly hate living... it just really isnt for me. and thats okay, im fine with it, im fine with dying - its what i want, its my choice, its my destiny - and i love this destiny. i wouldnt want it any other way - to kill myself, or be killed, thats how i want to go. i just need someone to help me. idk where im going with this, so lets move onto my next point:

my worldview. so.. im not sure when this all started. was it 2020? or 2019? maybe it started to dawn on me even earlier, i dont really know, but its been really intense in 2020. the way i view the world & life has changed drastically (or rather, formed, ive never really thought about it that much before). my mom has made it clear to me that you could be a genuinely good, loving person... and still fuck up your kid for life. and this is why i came to the conclusion that good parents, who dont fuck up their children irreversibly... they dont exist. the moment youre born into this world, youre doomed. there is no one who doesnt suffer, there is no one who doesnt want to die - and if they tell you they dont, they either just dont know yet or are in denial. if there is ANY chance of someone growing up to suffer just like i do - it is not worth it. irresponsible, even - to bring a kid into this world. and, the way the world is, and continues to be, there will never be the chance for someone to never suffer like me. which is why i dont think children should be born into this world, ever. and it fucks with me - it fucks with me so bad.

...happy mew year, everynyan

[richard-the-boy-wonder-blog]

Give a Little Bit.

Pairing: none.

Author: JJM

Rating: none

Summary: Bill has done everything in his power to break his studder, from tongue twisters, to speech impediment classes and nothing has helped. Frustrated and tired of being mocked after giving a fairly bad speech in class his friends decide to take him for a joy ride.

Bill threw the heavy wooden door to his social studies class open and sprinted down the hallway, laughter echoed behind him fading away till all he heard was his ragged breath and the squeak of his converse on the tile floor. He felt hot tears streak down his cheeks as he bounded down the staires and through the english wing of the school, he hiccups back a sob and rounds another corner. He slid to the floor tucking his knees into his chest, letting his tears soak into the knees of his jeans. He was use to his peers making fun of his studder, use to being called names for it, and expected it every single day he came to school. But to have a teacher shame you about it in front of your class, thats different.

He wrapped his arms tightly behind his head as memories from just moments before took complete control of his thoughts.

"Would you PLEASE, speak more clearly?"

"If you cant get through your presentation Bill youre going to have to sit down."

"Thank you for wasting our time."

Bill sobbed aloud now no longer able to keep how he felt in check, why couldn't people be more understanding? Why could they cut him some slack? Why couldnt people have more patience with him? Hes trying his best

He jumped when he felt someone gently touch his shoulder, abruptly looking up face stained with snot and tears.

"Hey you okay big Bill?" Richie asked Stan and Mike standing close behind him, he shook his head feeling discouraged about his speech after what happened.

"Whats going on?" Stan asked concern growing evident on the boys face as he sat down next to Bill on the floor; follow suit with Richie and Mike.

Bill shook his head again face twisting into a pained expression, tears squeezed past his closed eyes as he was pulled into Stans embrace.

"We cant help you unless you speak up Billy" Richie commented rubbing the others back softly, Bill looked to Mike and Richie both eagerly waiting for him to spill. He turned and looked up to Stan who just nodded a little, he sighed and wiped his face with his sleeve telling them all about his oral presentation and what the teacher had to say about it.

"I-im so f-f-fucking sick o-of this! I-i did years! Y-YEARS of therapy t-t-to f-fix it a-and its just n-n-n-" he bite his lip hard not able to get his final words out, he shook with anger face growing red. "FUCK!" he yelled making all his friends jump back, "i-i just w-w-want to b-be normal!"

"Nope" Richie said standing up taking Bill's hands in his making him stand too, he wrapped an arm around Bills lower back and started leading them to the front doors of the school. "I know exactly what will help in a situation like this" Richie beamed up at Bill pushing the titanium door to outside open, "Richie school isnt out for another 2 hours" Stan said from the door watching his friends head for the parking lot.

"Cant handle the heat get your ass out the kitchen" Richie said throwing a smile over his shoulder at the other.

"Were on a mission" Richie finished opening the passenger door to his truck for Bill, Stan rolled his eyes knowing exactly what that meant.

And thats how all 7 losers found themselves crammed into Richies 5 seat pick up, skipping class wasnt put of the ordinary for them but skipping class to driving out to the mountains was literally something they never did.

"I swear to god if the school calls my mom and tells her i was gone" Eddie said from his seat in Beverlys lap.

"Oh well be fine Eddie spaghetti" Richie said with a wide smile, gripping the leather of the steering wheel alittle.

"You think im kidding? Do you want a criminal record Richie? Cause my mom can make that happen."

"I second with Eddie what exactly are we doing?" Stan asked.

"Youll see with time im just waiting for the perfect song."

"The perfect song? I have an aux and my phone with me" Ben pitched in from the backseat, "no no this has got to be organic you cant forcing things like this."

"... What?!" Stan yelled leaning from his seat towards Richie, "what the hell are you doing with us? Where are we go-"

"Oh! Perfect!" Richie yelled throwing the radio on full blast making Stan scoff and roll his eyes, superstamp blaring through the car filling in what little room was left in the car. "Oh i love this song!" Mike yelled from behind Richie, "oh here we go again!" Richie and Mike sang in unison nodding to the beat making Richies wild black curls bounce.

"Ill give a little bit of my love to you!" Beverly and Ben chirped in with the others, Bens hands clasping on Bills shoulders who had yet to drop his seldom face.

Stan rolled his eyes before breaking into a smile, shaking and dancing a little in his seat bumping into Bill as he did so making him smile just a little for a moment.

"Theres so much that we need to share so send a smile and show you care!"

Everyone sang looking down at Bill.

"Ill give a little bit of my love to you!" Richie sang over everyone poking Bill in the side making him laugh, "come on Billy i know you love this song!" He teased

"Give a l-little biiit, ill g-give a little bit o-of my life to you!" He finally sang making everyone in the car smile wide.

Bill closed his eyes focusing on the music suddenly appreciating Richies shenanigans, letting the music fill his head and take away all his bad thoughts.

Mike started to aggressively play the air guitar while Eddie and Richie badly mimicked the saxophone solo making some laugh while the others vocalized with the choir before breaking back into song all together Bill leading them all. "Nows the time we need to share so find yourself were on our way back home! Oooh were going home!" Bill sang everyone else suddenly quiet, he smacked a hand over his mouth eyeing the rest of the group who only beamed back at him either laughing or starting to sing along with the radio again.

"No studdering" Richie smirked to himself, "thank me later" he said giving Bill a small side glance and a smile before focusing on the road again.

Bill smiled at his friend it was rare for Richie to have a genuinly good idea but when he did... Bill all but threw himself at Richies side hugging him tight, "thank you-" he muttered into Richies shirt who just patted his shoulder a little.

Despite the fact that not even 10 minutes ago he was crying and miserable, Bill felt better, his day perking up a little as another classic he loved started to blare from Richies speakers.

For once Bill felt normal.

<><><><><><><><><><>

A/N: ugh this is way short and probably really bad but oh well! This is based off of 'Give a Little Bit by: Superstamp' if you didnt already know! I wrote this for @grownups-are-the-real-monsters who is actually one of my favorite blogs on this whole site aaah! SO I REALLY HOPE YOU ENJOY THIS ❤

[gayzytown]

Birthdays

{{VERY IMPORTANT DISCLAIMER!! i put it in caps bc thts how important it is!!! this is pure, unedited 12 yr old mod roria sportarobbie fanfiction !! u can tell its really old bc the whole time robbie is like >:’( and it makes sportacus :c also! robbie gets hit in the face and sportacus cries which is unfitting bc the fic itself isnt that sad?? but it has a happy ending!! just thought id warn you all im literally posting something really poorly written and its also rlly long and like almost 5 yrs old ?? one of the first things i wrote for lazytown!! but anyway here it is }}

Curled up in his chair, Robbie woke up and his eyes fluttered in sync with his heart and with the butterflies in his stomach. A tiny gleam of hope rose up in his chest, and a small smile graced his soft lips. It was finally the day. The day he had been waiting for. The day he had not-so-subtly hinted about since last month. He tried his best to stamp out the fiery optimism that held his heart in its grip, but the cold, icy hand of doubt could not pry it off. 

 His tired eyes glanced at the clock, which currently said 7:00 A.M. Earlier than Robbie had woken up in years, but now that warm feelings had him in a death grip, there would be no more sleeping. He rolled out of his chair with more enthusiasm than ever before, and pranced contently to his periscope. Before he looked into it, he took a moment to compose himself. It was in vain, of course, and it was with much euphoria that he lifted up the periscope and peeked through. His smile faltered slightly as the warm hand pushed his heart up into his throat. They didn’t… forget, did they? But he had made it so blatantly clear that it was today, and he had been looking forward to this day for weeks. The day he would get some of the spotlight. The day he could outshine Sportacus. The day he wouldn’t be ignored. The day he would be loved. Granted, tomorrow would be the same as every other day, but today was special. Today was his birthday, and it was going to be the best birthday ever. It was going to be the best day, in general, until next year.

            Only slightly disheartened, he continued to search for anything. Even if he was a villain, it was highly uncharacteristic of the people of LazyTown to not celebrate. Suddenly, the hand squeezed his heart and the heat filled his entire being as a banner came into view. It clearly read, “HAPPY BIRTHDAY.” They had remembered! He tremored in excitement as he simply stared at the scene before him. What looked like an amazingly prodigious party being laid out before his eyes. For him. There were balloons and streamers and games, and even though it wasn’t the color he had expected and there was more sportscandy than he would’ve liked, it was a party for him. It was his birthday party. The people were celebrating his birth. They were celebrating the fact that self-proclaimed villain Robbie Rotten was brought into this world on this day, twenty-three years ago. To him, it symbolized much more than a birthday party. This could mean a whole turning point in his life. Maybe he wouldn’t be a villain. Maybe he wouldn’t be so full of hate. Maybe he’d be loved. Maybe he’d be happy. The pleasant optimistic grip shifted and held his entire body, and he closed his eyes for a moment to relish the feeling. A smile so foreign to Robbie that anyone wouldn’t be able to recognize him for a moment lightened up his face, and his cold, lonely lair felt more comfortable than ever before. His eyes, filled to the brim with happy tears that he had never felt, opened and his smile widened. Letting out a deep, booming laugh that echoed throughout the lair and brought raw joy and happiness to every room, he spun with his periscope and peered through one more time. The familiar icy hand clawed at its rival as he noticed something he hadn’t noticed before.  The banner said “HAPPY BIRTHDAY… Sportacus.” He shrugged as his smile faltered as he chuckled nervously. That didn’t mean they had forgotten his, maybe they both had birthdays. Or maybe they had gotten confused about who’s birthday it was. Maybe anything, except they had forgotten. They couldn’t have. Not after all he had done to make it clear that it was his birthday. Who cares about Sportacow’s birthday? They’d throw him a party for any little thing. The icy grip triumphantly pierced his heart with its long, disfigured claws and his brow furrowed. They couldn’t have forgotten. He’d just… he’d just go up and walk around. He was sure to get a “happy birthday” or two. They couldn’t have forgotten, it just wasn’t possible. His lair was suddenly cold, and the remaining laughter died away. He peered out one more time, and watched as Sportacus was taken completely by surprise because of his birthday party. Like he was really so surprised. They would’ve thrown him a party if he’d done something as minimal as walk to the post office. A single tear slid down his face, but it wasn’t happy. It was full of anguish, and fear. He felt so alone. The icy grip suddenly got red hot and in his fit of sudden rage, he clawed off the tear viciously, leaving a red mark on his face and  he shoved the periscope away as hard as he could. Unfortunately, the momentum swung it back and it was hurled into his face. In a tantrum and between shock, pain, and anger, he stepped back on his catwalk and swung backwards over the railing onto his head. As the stars faded, he groaned and tried to get up, but the children had started playing exceptionally loud today and with the combined force of the impact a headache pounded in his head and he decided to stay where he was. He mumbled a small “I meant to do that,” before closing his eyes.

           Meanwhile, Sportacus was having a lovely birthday party. Maybe a little of the surprise was faked, but it was mostly genuine. He didn’t remember telling anyone his birthday, but he was glad that they knew. The party had a banner, and games, and sportscandy and blue. Lots of blue. He played with the children with more energy than usual, if that was possible, and didn’t notice that they were louder than usual. After a while of playing, the kids were tired, so they all decided to take a break. He sat with them under an apple tree, listening to them talk about school and such. But something didn’t feel right. He felt like he was forgetting something, and that someone was in trouble. Everyone was here, except for… his brow furrowed. Robbie. He wondered why Robbie hated him, and his heart sank a little. But then he remembered that it was his birthday, and he smiled. He tried to forget the feeling, since his crystal didn’t go off. But he felt bad, and he wasn’t sure why but he did. Lately his thoughts on Robbie had been getting a little… different. He had never felt this way about anything before, and he didn’t know if it was good or if he had been coming down with something. He had never been sick before, so maybe this is what it felt like. He vaguely wondered if Robbie would come but was interrupted when Stephanie spoke up.

            “Sportacus, are you okay? I’ve never seen you so serious before,” she said. He faked a smile.

            “I was just thinking about Robbie,” he said, with fake happiness going unnoticed in his voice. She looked confused.

            “Why?” she asked. Then, for good measure, she added, “He would just try to ruin the party. It’s your birthday, Sportacus!” His smile faltered slightly.

            “Stephanie, do you know why people bully?” he asked. She shook her head no, and he went on. “Bullies are bullies because they’re unhappy with themselves,” he finished, a small realization hitting him as well as the children.

            “Why would Robbie be unhappy? He usually seems so happy when he’s thwarting,” she asked, not wanting to believe that Robbie was sad, or lonely. It was so much easier to think that mean people got what they deserved, not that they were unhappy.

            “Maybe he’s lonely, or maybe he’s been bullied himself,” he said. It suddenly became quiet, and he felt a little bad for putting such a damper on the mood. He jumped up suddenly. “Who’s ready to get back to our game?” he chirped, and the kids all cheered and followed him to the courts. They all put the conversation in the back of their heads, to be reviewed later. All of them, except for Stephanie. They played for another hour more when they were interrupted by a familiar figure stalking by faster than ever before. Sportacus, however was faster, and he flipped over a wall, grabbed his water bottle, and landed in front of Robbie. Robbie stopped and looked at him. Half of his face was covered by a huge, purple and blue bruise. But it wasn’t that that scared Sportacus. It was the look in Robbie’s eyes.  Not only were they bloodshot, but Sportacus had never seen someone so incredibly angry, so livid. It scared Sportacus, and he stepped back a bit. It was suddenly quiet and the silence hurt Sportacus’s ears, so he decided to say something.

            “Hi, Robbie,” he said. Then he cleared his throat and said, “Won’t you join us? It’s fun.” A look of sadness and confusion passed over Robbie’s face, but he said nothing. The silence was louder than before, the atmosphere was more tense and almost angry. But that didn’t scare Sportacus. The thing that scared Sportacus was his feelings. Robbie was completely outraged, and it was Sportacus’s fault. He had done something, and it hurt his heart more than anything ever had before. His heart burned as the fiery claw from Robbie’s heart reached through the two men and crushed Sportacus. He felt so hurt. His heart was hurt. His heart was broken, and he had never felt that way before. It absolutely crushed him. But on the outside, he feigned happiness.

            “Uh, um, Robbie! It’s time for a water fight!” he chirped, back flipped away, grabbed a hose and the kids scattered into a panicked mass of children, giggling and squealing excitedly. Sportacus stole a glance at Robbie and his heart broke even more. He didn’t seem mad anymore, just sad, lonely, and so distant from everyone else. His brow furrowed despondently and he glared towards Sportacus. They made eye contact and he suddenly bristled, standing up straight and putting on a fake resentful face, before turning around and stalking away. Sportacus’s face fell and the hose slipped out of his grip. He wanted to cry, but he couldn’t, because heroes don’t cry, so he faked another smile, laughed and picked up the hose again. His little moment went unnoticed by everyone and the party continued as if nothing had happened.

 ��          That night, Sportacus was in his airship, thinking about earlier. His heart hurt still. It felt sore, like that one time when he was just a kid and he worked his muscles too hard and they ached. It was his birthday, so he shouldn’t be sad, but Robbie’s face. He wondered what was going on in Robbie’s head. Suddenly, he remembered that Pixel, for his birthday, had given Sportacus a little computer thing that had lap or something in the name, and it had information on the people of LazyTown if he just pushed a button. Leaping up off his bed, he opened up the computer and looked at it. It had lots of buttons, some of which Pixel had explained, but Sportacus didn’t remember, so he looked at it. Some of the keys had letters, maybe he could type stuff. He spelled “ON” on the keyboard. Nothing happened. He picked it up and looked for a switch on it, or something, but found nothing. One of the buttons was bound to turn it on, so he pushed all of them, and one of them did something because the screen lit up, then it had a picture on the screen of LazyTown with little tiny things on it. They looked like icon, and one of them said “LazyTown”, so he poked it. Nothing happened. “What..?” he murmured, then he remembered the thing. Pixel called it a… a mouse? Yes, a mouse, so he clicked it. Nothing happened. Frustrated, he grabbed it and moved it aggressively across the table back and forth. Something on the screen moved with his motion and he stopped. Slowly, carefully, he moved the mouse so that the cursor moved to the little LazyTown icon, and then he clicked the button on top, and a page opened, and a little box was there. He slowly clicked a button on the keypad and a little tiny “K” showed up in a little box. Pressing the backspace so that the K disappeared, he slowly typed in “ROBBIE ROTTEN” and pressed enter, not sure what he was looking for. A small blue thing showed up that said “Robbie Rotten” and had a sentence that ended in “…read more here” and he began to read it.

            “Robbie Rotten; born on October 10th, [year unknown] in [place unknown] and went to [school unknown]…”

            Sportacus realized they knew so little about Robbie, and he frowned slightly. Suddenly it hit him. October 10th. That was today. They had missed Robbie’s birthday. Maybe that was why he was so sad… Robbie came up, probably looking for a “happy birthday” and instead he got people celebrating someone else’s birthday and completely forgetting about him. He felt absolutely crushed. His heart was breaking even more, and he couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. They flowed freely from his eyes, and he bit his lip thinking about what he could do. Closing the laptop, he picked up his phone and clicked Bessie’s number. He had gotten the phone a while ago from Pixel and he knew very well how to work it. Well, not really, but he could call certain people when he needed to, which he hardly ever did. Bessie answered suddenly.

            “Sportacus? Are you okay? It’s past 8:08, what’s going on?” she asked.

            “Oh, hi Bessie! Everything’s fine, I just wanted to say that, uh… Robbie’s birthday was, um… We missed it, and I wanted to make it up to him. Somehow,” he mumbled.

            “…Oh! How sad… I understand that you’re upset, I’ll pull something together for tomorrow, and it might be a little… modest, but I think it’ll be good. As long as you can get him to come,” Bessie said.

            “Thanks Bessie! I’ll get him to come, thank you!” Sportacus said. Then, he hung up the phone and got back into bed. He felt a tiny bit better, but he felt weird. He felt guilty. Sighing, he turned over in bed and pulled the cover over his head, knowing he wouldn’t get any sleep.

Then next morning Sportacus woke up bright and early and slid down the ladder to LazyTown and ran to the center. It was empty, of course, because he was up so early, but he decided to see if Robbie was up.

Filled with a new found enthusiasm, he trotted to the purple billboard and waddled around it. He found the metal entrance to Robbie's domain and knocked, a smile on his face. He heard muffled thumping and mumbled curse words before the latch opened and he was face to face with a black and blue mess with piercing grey-blue, bloodshot eyes. Upon seeing Sportacus, his brow furrowed and his lip quivered.

"What do you want, Sportacus?" he hissed. Sportacus was usually elated to hear the lithe man say his name and not some morphed, insulting version of it, but in this case it wiped the smile off his face. He didn't like it when his name slid from Robbie's lips like venom, dripping poignant enmity. He suddenly forgot why he was here.

"Uh... um, I..." he stuttered. Robbie reached for the hatch to slam it when Sportacus abruptly remembered. "Wait! Robbie, your birthday," he exclaimed. Robbie stopped, and held the hatch up, eyes wide with shock. His brows suddenly dropped, and he clamped his mouth shut.

"Oh, you remembered," he said sarcastically. Sportacus swallowed the lump in his throat.

"Robbie, I'm really sorry we forgot," he said softly, "but if you would just come with me, I think I can make it up to you!" Robbie scoffed at this.

“No, Sportacus.”

“... what?”

“I'm not going to your stupid little last-minute birthday party!”

Sportacus was quiet. He felt like crying, and so he did. “Robbie, please! I-I'm so sorry we forgot, I can only imagine how much it hurt to see everyone celebrating someone else's birthday on your own but if you just give me a chance,” he grabbed Robbie’s face in his hands, “I could show you…” he stopped. He realized he was blushing, with his face so close to Robbie’s. He stared deep into the man’s eyes and saw that he was lonely, and afraid. From here he could better see the beautiful color of Robbie’s eyes, his pale skin, his wavy hair, his soft lips. Sportacus longed to touch the soft lips with his own. His breathing sped up as he realized this was what he had been feeling, he was in love with Robbie Rotten.

        “Sp-Sportacus…” Robbie mumbled, placing his own hands on the elf’s. Sportacus barely heard it over the sound of his heart racing. He couldn't hold himself back anymore. He stared into the man’s eyes lovingly, and then he leaned forward. Closing the gap between the two, he gently pressed his lips into Robbie’s. Robbie gasped against Sportacus’s mouth and his grip tightened on the elf’s hands. Sportacus pulled away slowly after a moment, and pressed his forehead against his love’s. It was quiet.

        “If this is y-you trying to get me to g-go to the party,” Robbie started. Sportacus laughed.

        “Robbie, I love you,” he said softly, looking up at the man. Robbie was looking at him, eyes wide. He was blushing.

        “Sportacus, I… I never…”

Sportacus drew away. He had made Robbie uncomfortable. He was blushing, not the light, tender, sweet pink hue of love, but a deep, embarrassed red.

        “Oh, Robbie, I'm sorry, I never stopped to think about-”

Robbie leaped out of the silo/entrance to his house and grabbed Sportacus’s hands.

        “Don't apologize,” he whispered, then added, “I'll go to the party.” Sportacus brightened instantly.

        “You will!! Robbie, that's great! I'm so happy you-”

Robbie interrupted him by pressing his mouth against the elf’s. Sportacus’s eyes widened in shock, but after a second they slid closed and he leaned into Robbie, running a hand through the man’s hair. Eventually Robbie pulled away. He gazed into Sportacus’s eyes, infatuated. Sportacus placed a gentle kiss on Robbie’s nose and grabbed his hand, leading him towards the center of town. Maybe Robbie’s life would turn around after all. Maybe he would be happy from now on. Maybe this would be the best day he'd ever had.

((its rlly angsty and i said “brow furrowed” like 7 times))

[minishmarbles]

Long vent, strap in.

When I was born, I was named Abigayle Kristynn Rayne Gibbs. To break down that name, Abigail means "father's joy," and my parents did that white people thing where they spelt it wrong. Then Kristynn means "follower of Christ." This was not a planned thing, my parents just thought it sounded cool and it was similar to my sister's name, "Korrynn." Rayne was after "The Rainbow Connection" a Muppets song my mother loved growing up.

I was supposed to be the rainbow at the end of the storm for my parents.

My mom and dad had lost a baby before I was born to birth complications.

By birth complications I mean the nurse was a bitch and called my mom a liar because she was giving birth two weeks before expected, the doctors made my mom wait two days in the worst pain she'd ever been in and when they finally performed an emergency C section, Korry had wrapped her chord around her throat while trying to be born, suffocating her and resulting in a stillbirth.

Korryn, the baby that my mom and dad were so excited to welcome into this world, had slipped through their fingers, and was lost on Friday, December 13th. Korry Gibbs didn't breath a single breath before it was all stolen from her lungs by doctors who didn't give a shit.

Thus I was born. A sloppy replacement, and a hope for my parents that they could go back to normal and be happy again. I was born in Las Vegas on October Tenth.

Then, my little sister was born two years after me. The family that was once broken apart now had 5 children in it, my older brother Kyle, my older sister Angelyka, my older sister Kayla, me and my younger sister Isabella.

But even though I was there to help my parents heal, instead of being a cast on a broken arm, I was a bit more of a bandaid on a laceration. My mom was still broken to pieces, and my dad was barely hanging on.

It was never exactly hidden from me that that's why I was born, but it was said in much nicer and optimistic tones. Stuff like "that's how you got your name! Because you made your dad so happy, and we know you will forever!" And "Korry would be really proud to have you be her sister" were. Small.

The small things gathered and I began to realise what they really mean. "We need you to be happy!" "We expect a lot from you!" "We really can't handle you being what we don't expect!"

And even though my mom and dad never realised that's what they were saying, that's how I read into it. If i was sad i didn't go to my parents. If i was making trouble that was my fault. All of the pressure wasn't put on my explicitly, but it was there.

It got worse when I got into school, and turned out to be very good at it. I never needed to practice counting, I never had to practice writing, never had to read the whole story to know what would happen. I was good at drawing, i was good at thinking, I got As ans Bs and was in a special class for Gifted students called GATE (Gifted And Talented Educations) i had it all. Sure I wasn't the best at reading or talking but that was okay, I was smart. At least that was my train of thought.

Every ego booster was more to add to the pressure to keep it up. The more people expected the less i felt i was putting on the table.

By third grade I was almost completely quiet, and never spoke unless spoken to. If I spoke, I could be wrong, and that would be bad. I didn't raise my hand and I had a hard time telling people if i felt sick or upset (that being said, I still went home sick a lot. The nurse knew me by name and we talked a lot. I knew her daughter too.)

In fourth grade I made friends. Their names were Lauren and Emily. I don't feel ashamed saying it now because they have very unoriginal names. Abigayle isn't much better frankly, but no ones going to single these girls out ever bc you really can't.

Lauren was half South Korean, and was a swimmer. She was very smart, and looked a lot more like her dad than her mom.

Emily was a redhead with glasses and was also very smart. Her mom was a teacher.

I was close friends with them, and we would talk a lot about nothing in particular. Emily and Lauren were closer to each other than to me, but that was ok, i was okay being the third wheel.

Now a little bit about me in 4th grade. I was very tall, taking boxing, kinda scary looking and very quiet. This made it easy for what Lauren and Emily did to me to succeed.

Sometime after winter break, Lauren and Emily started to spread rumors about me bullying them. Insulting Emily's red hair (which was bullshit, my mom has red hair and I later dyed my hair red) and making fun of Lauren for being Korean were just two of the things they said I did.

No one wanted to be friends with me, because I was "mean" to Lauren and Emily. Even though it had never happened. I was isolated.

The rumors got so bad i was taken to the counselor's office, were she told me for 20 minutes I was lying and being mean. I went home that night in tears. I lost all of my friends for something I didn't do.

I would be lying if I said I knew why they did that. But it sort of sparked a fear in me. If this is how it was when I wasn't mean, imagine how it would be if i WAS. from then on, i was paranoid every action I made was mean.

In middle school, I had no friends from Elementary, and I moved across town. Puberty hit before I knew how to deal with it and I got my period without knowing what it was. I was alone again, and only really liked my sixth grade art and science classes, my seventh grade history and my eighth grade math.

During middle school is when my relationship with my mother took a nosedive, and it had a significant impact on how I did in school. All the normal teen angst was multiplied by how bad my arguments were with my mom, as I watched her mental health decline while dragging down my own and no one else in my family paid attention.

My grades sucked for the first time ever. I wasn't perfect. I went down a spiral of self loathing and confusion, and came to the conclusion I was stupid.

In 8th grade, at a time I had no friends I talked to outside of class, after an argument with my mom, I attempted suicide. It was a stupid attempt at overdosing, i tried to use the only thing i had, a bottle of alergy meds. I threw up, went to sleep, and even though i had terrible muscle spasms and felt sick to my stomach and very tired, it obviously didnt work. I would go on to attempt overdosing five times, none working.

Upon hearing i had attempted to kill myself, both my mom and dad threatened me with physical violence and being forcefully sent to a hospital. Even though i had been talking to them constantly about my mental state and how I needed proffesional help or even just someone to talk to, they acted as if there were no warning signs even though i had been very clear i was having suicidal thoughts. They forced me to do the dishes while i was dizzy and still spasming.

The only friends I reaally had were online. I had no one to talk to irl. So i began to overshare where I was anonymous.

In Highschool, not much changed, but my family began to notice my mom was nuts too and i got like. 2 friends only one of whom and im still talking to.

My mom and dad split in 2019, and the night before my dad and my and my sister left, my mom said she wished I'd died in birth instead of Korry.

Im still depressed, im not going by my birth name anymore, and im still super fucking suicidal. Oops.

Tldr : im a failure oops.

[chaoscrystals]

Every note in my phone 23

I think its hard to have mixed DNA white with anything. sometimes I want to cry becauuse I share the colonizers blood. That's some white guilt. I guess you don't realize how much your silence is hurting my feelings. I guess we need to talk because i don't understand how you can be so very interested in me and getting me to go to you. Then I do and it feels like relief. The night is over and I go about my way, I send you messages because I want to see you and talk to you more, maybe you feel my neediness but suddenly all the enthusiasm is gone. Did I hurt you in some way? Can I make it better? Or are you really just keeping your distance? I don't understand. Im trying to. So I guess we should talk? Unless you don't want to Which is fine But it's not fine if you act like you do when you don't. Is it because I'm needy and awkward? Is it because I hold on to awkwardness longer than i need to?  Is it my self defense? Why am I so interesting up until the point when I know I want you? Then its nothing Did I hurt you? Because this is really hurting me I want to kill myself. Maybe you really would be better off with tuli. Who am I to stand in your way. Why won't you talk to me now? I'm gonna cry ** Dear Michael, This is the second letter. I find myself overly concerned with what you're thinking about me. I'm really worried that you aren't ever going to love me and maybe you don't even like me. I really need someone right now. I really need something out of you. Why do you vanish when I want you so badly? Its almost like you don't want to see my neediness. That idea hurts me. Am i not Trying hard enough? ** Its causle I'm not helping and no ones helping me process my feelings no one believes me ** My dad Image of perfection A lot of emotions and water A lot of food and emotional duress, stress, pressure I wish every man was my dad I can't focus I want to touch little kids I want to smoke cigarettes and drink beer This music is intoxicating Every man wants her And so I want her Young I want to run her hands Run my hands up her shirt Michael I feel lonely Listen to me whine about it Jonathan doesn't love me Nothing is ever going to make it better And to top it off I lost you Lets go on a date Lets go somewhere Lets forget about it And fantasize about what it would be like if we had it True love Everlasting love and glory Falling on the floor Pushing out a baby ** What to do today: Email shrine Die Excercise I guess not clean shit Regret life as a whole Die again I wish someone was watching me Not everything can be poetry I wish it would all go away The images im going to hold in my heart today are this: Ryan finding a home Going on a trip ** I fucked Ariel again I liked it but I didn't like it He didn't hit me hard enough The second time I wasn't really feeling it And I know why but I was too embarrassed to say Because I don't want to fuck them out of sheer pleasure, but because I think if I have sex with them then we have a bond I liked fucking Michael better Maybe he just needs to get better at it I need to charge my phone I don't want to have no self worth. I just wanna watch it die. My phone. The internet is breeding a new wave of shorthand, of short comments. Why does it feel so bad but I want it If I really only want him for whatever "connection" I get/he has, I can't have that relationship because it wouldnt feel right. If I don't really like him. Hah. I'm not even sure of my own motives. I wanna watch it die. I'm breathing in breeding Brooding Babying If I was only f February 18th 2018 7:42 pm I wish it was that easy, the admission "I love you" and the instant bond. Its not easy. Telling someone I loves them was never easy and it never works for me..see she doesn't judge me. You judge me. Ariel judges me It hurts. My kidneys. Cross-eyed dizzy clumsy fingers February 19th 2018 10:29 Am You could have had Jonathan but you too weak to hold on to a man You have no self worth Today is my dads birthday ** Things I need Drum shit (heads, stands, cymbals, hi hat clutch, throne) Guitar case Focus ** A lot about the way you objectify and present to people, your confidence is one particle, and I need someone else to see, Can I trust myself February 13th 2018 7:17 pm I really hope he reads this one day Breathe I really didn't get a chance to network with you yet, hi my name is Nova lets change the course of the future...lets install solar panels, lets pay the artists more than we pay ourselves Lets be ourselves I keep thinking about juliets show. Thinking I wanted to go but like...resisting it too. I'm so distracted. I want to go cause I think maybe ill see Jonathan. Ill see juno and Juliet but mostly. . I want to see Jonathan. Can I re orient myself so..I don't have to go today but we can still be friends? Should I keep it up? Should I keep hoping its all gonna come up and ill finally have my love. I'm doing magic. I'm practicing spells. I can't control him. He didn't want that. He didn't like it. Or...somewhere he liked it but...didn't wanna admit it I'm just wondering, what's the best decision, what can I do to strengthen my community, or my sense of self, or what can I do to get a new pipe, what can I do that's inspired, am I just fooling everyone because they have a crush on me? Am I hibernating for the winter? With the end of the winter came the end of my obsession with Jonathan February 14th 2018. 9:21 pm I spent about 2 and a half hours wondering whether I should head out to Brooklyn or not. I've decided to just let it go because I feel tired, which is partly because I smoked indica a few times today, god I'm a lowlife, and because my mom just gave me a big chunk of cash so I am kind of okay on money, and I'm getting my period in a few days, and I feel tired and sick and depressed and I want to eat and be alone and watch gossip girl. Yeah that's a lot for a simple decision. But that's how I feel And I'm messaging Michael on the side. No skin to skin contact. I want it to be real and I want him to not smoke and not drink. I can't change him. I can't change anyone. I only have myself for now. This is taking such a long time to achieve. A whole year back from brazil and I'm only just now feeling okay getting out of bed.do I get a free passed to be depressed for my mental illness and my eating disorder? Do I get a free pass to skip out on participating in society because of my sickness? Do I need to show you my card? No? My back hurts. Is that okay? I mean I already did it so I might as well sink into it. The warmth surrounding my spine, the warmth from laying down with nowhere to go. Under the blankets in my dusty room. Overturning seasons are gonna shift me, maybe catapult me out of bed, get something new into my head and heart, a fresh start, turning seasons clashing winds I'm stoned ** I swept in with a green arm from my heart,  I recently became alarmed, i lived for good hearted cheats ** There were once 4 friends There were 6 friends 8 friends To begin With a heart wrenching grin, something I've never felt before, raw, fresh brain and blood, carrots and celery Fresh frequency vibration, fresh obsession To begin to let him in, I catch the initial impulse to grin and to do things that make me giggle, how can this be? We wanted it so badly. We were going to win it I'm tired I failed I'm broken We wanted it so badly So desperately The longing sure brought distance, confusion and dismay The distance brought more distance And that's the way it stayed It wasn't ready yet There were fruit trees and global warming superfoods, stress relieving teas, tincture and oils, it was the place of your dreams. There was no more running around. It was an oasis. The hardest drug was white sugar Old vibrations I was violated like every woman has been I didn't let false memories in This is what was going to kill him The guilt, dismay and distance, The stark madness of his bloodline The starved for attention side The not-quite-as starved for attention side Old distractions Old veils of lace collecting dust in a wooden house. The dust is overwhelming. ** Yeah I had a vision It was self serving I had an intuition And that was self serving too I had a charitable notion That made me feel good I wanted to wail, sing, scream, cry and collapse I wonder how it sounds joyously If joy was the secret ingredient Please be safe Yeah I had a vision I had to go back to the beginning To be a single serving Single cell Alone and lonely Alone but not lonely Waiting for the train Waiting for the performances to start I had a charitable notion And it fit in perfectly with the rhythms I had come to know as the "Rhythms of life" That resonate inside and out I'm lonely and it sinks into my body ** Performance 2/9 Garota de ipanema Linha de frente Je cherche un homme So sei dancar com voce Love me or leave me Blue skies God bless the child The very thought of you Moi je joue (?) Corazon culpable Ok ok Help me I love her red hair I love kanes strangeness I'm falling in love with Jonathan's friends I come from Kansas I come from the desert I've come to find you We were meant to be together Ok help my comment ** I have horrible boundaries sometimes. It would have been easy to feed off me but I ran to hide away and at least bleed in peace February 8 12:04 am Why do I miss Ariel and Michael and these men that can just drop me Why do I even care? February 8 8:41 am My body is all out of whack. I'm holding my shit in so they can test it at the doctors and see if I still have a parasite..I hope its okay. My man he song he don't love me I wonder what size my waist is now Shit 110 pounds 85 pounds. No, i don't want to be helpless. But I am helpless. Its gonna eat me. I'm gonna hardly eat I feel like I can't stop. Am I eating disorder again or is this healthy...? Don't go under 100 12:42 pm They wouldn't see me cause ibdont have insurance I have Michael and spirit guides In my pocket Wrapped around string on my finger Fingertips are red Distractions. Retract exact upset perfect worth it 110 85 countdown crap I'm psycho again, I'm slurring my words, someone take me away, I'm sinking, what do I want? What will i take away? I want bread and sea salt. Potassium chloride Distractions SiO2 Fe4 February 9 2018 Still obsessed with Jonathan. And Michael. But more so Jonathan. And duke. But mostly Jonathan I have some questions: Is it because he is actually perfect for me...or am I losing it and projecting all my fantasies on him. I want to be seen as someone with power, as a queen, as a solid entertainer, sometimes a recluse... I don't... I had a dream what was just me holding him for a long time. I loved that feeling. My whole life I'm just afraid that I'm imagining things! Still. After all these years, I'm still having problems because I think I'm imagining things I perceive. Every note was right, every notion was right. Im going to find you. I sniffed him out, I did it, I really fucking did it, I knew who I wanted to see and I found them by following my heart. .. It feels so mystical to me Okay. So I need to know if its me he was dreaming of as a teenager. That's something i might be imagining? I love feeling his feelings and hearing him. I think it's really sad that my insecurities are blocking me off from getting to know him. In holding myself back for a few reasons. I feel like I always set myself up for and expect heartbreak. So why try right? Sigh. Wrong. It was worth it to watch them play and talk and learn about him. He's water and I'm fire What is the point of this even happening? Its flushing to the surface all my obsessive thoughts and jealousy. I don't know if I'm going to be okay. Because its not just allegra, its not just ali or Rowan or Celeste, its all of them, and me thinking about it is probably just going to make it happen. I'm anticipating this tragedy. I want to eat. I want to understand, because it's not just Jonathan Edelstein its every man. Why I become fixated, and I need them to satisfy my every whim and just...be like me. But I want to be like him. I really like how they accept me. I like the memories from the summer of going to his shows to gauge his reactions to me and find out if it was worth it. I like my memory of kissing him outside terra firma. I could swim in it, I could swim in the anticipation and knowing it was going to happen before it happened, and deciding that night would be the night I kissed them again. I want to go home and have someone else in my bed.. I'm swimming in my fantasies I like my memory of making out at the glove. And feeling clumsy. And feeling him. My heart.... I wonder what they're thinking about. And I'm uncovering all these desires i had that I wasnt aware of. All these scars and blisters I thought were just a part of my personality are taking on new meaning. I don't know. This is fun but I can't help but think the relationship is doomed. I'm too in my head, too paranoid and schizophrenic to be able to have a real relationship, I'm too demanding, and I can't have a relationship with someone who doesn't want to commit to me above everyone else. I'm too demanding. Doomed.  My fate is sealed, I will end up in tears. My heart lead me to Jonathan, and my heart is telling me "this is it" This is going to make me cry. It already has. I'm going to want to throw myself in front of a train. I already do. How could it get any worse? It can get worse. I'm going to get frantic if he comes to my show tomorrow. I'm going to vomit. I'm going to vomit up all my thoughts. I'm going to render myself incapable of functioning in mainstream society. I'm going to kill someone. I don't want to believe its doomed to end with me crying. Maybe relationships aren't really like that. Maybe we can just develop together forever and have other partners. What if they fall in love with someone else? I have to accept their decisions. What if they don't fall in love with me? I have to accept their decisions. I'm going to kill someone. Its not me is it? Why am I being this way? This is more extreme than before. I don't want them to be free. I would keep him in a tank in my bedroom. I wish he was like, a ken doll, but still Jonathan. This is going to end badly, im going to get frantic when I see them. How can I establish my position as "someone you want to know" and "someone you come home to" or whatever it is I'm wanting. I feel like I want to wipe out the whole rest of the world so I can be alone with then.  I can't do that ** So if I deposit all the cash I have In my room I still won't have enough for the guitar. If I move everything from my venmo and PayPal I think I will have enough.. For the first payment. Then I basically need to have 100 dollars in my bank every month for like, 4 months Is it bad that I still like duke? If I can make the first payment on the guitar then I will be able to have the guitar ** February 4th 2018 SHARE THE SURPLUS SPARE CHANGE PROSPERITY BROKEN TRAIN OF THOUT BROOKLYN DISTRACTION INFATUATION DUKE EMILY JAMES JONATHAN RAIMES I LOVE YOU February 6th 2018 2:11pm Mildew is mold old is not taken care of, nobody cared about me, kassie, duke I wanted them all I wanted their skins and hair. White black brown I dont care. I wanted their skins. 6:35 pm Yea maybe you're thinking everything up. You're feeling everything. Screaming. Staying on task. I just need a hug **January 28 2018 2:49pm About to lose it. Honestly I kind of like the idea of having a breakdown. I kind of want it. I want things to fly out of my control. I'm making myself lose weight again. Hopefully it doesn't get out of hand, but i feel like hope isn't going to be enough for me to keep my grip on being healthy. I have to genuinely want to be healthy. And part of me...doesn't want that....part of me wants to be messed up. And I know why. I know why I see it. I know why I see it, I see myself singing in subway tunnels singing earnest deadbeat artist, I see it I see myself, imagining colors. Help I I I I I I I I I i don't know what to do about this obsession, the same one Its the same. Its because of my family its because of society. I'm exhausted. This ruby around my neck is speaking to me I can't help it I need help I want this desperate feeling more than anything and the desperate feeling Wants me, I must be running low on serotonin But more than serotonin or oxytocin I want friends, I want someone special Help me I need help. Everyone is doing better than me and nobody sees me. Fuck fuck fuck fuck why did I write that letter You know what that's really how I feel.  It was that or starve yourself so he'd notice you!!!!! What's wrong with me I think ill do both Help me help me help me 1/29/2018 9:15 am Thank god Maybe I should have not said anything I'm tired See colors flashing See people dancing I'm tired Maybe I should have never written that doctor That letter Need a latte That doctor Need a doctor For my intestines and herniated walls Hemmorhage Hemmorhage Significance February 2nd 2018 10:25 pm Hey duke, hi, you make me nervous, and excited. I still like you. Is that bad? Is that ok?  I can't think straight.... Is it bad that I still feel attracted to you? My intestines ** If I tried too hard would you still like me Willl you smile my way will you even give me the time of day My fantasy not easy to please and today I really hope to hold you in my arms And sigh a long time, I'm so tired of life, but boy do you look good under a gray sky I miss you so bad, you were the love I at once had, and I've never truly had. I love you dearly no matter what you say to me, being in your arms is a sugar high. It was never a waste of time Now you're far away again But in my head I can hold you close to my chest I'm writing another love song today Another earnest and yearning Another please notice me kind of melody I can't get it right So I'm not gonna try ** January 27 11:09 am In case you didn't understand what I was saying I'm still really into you I have a crazy theory i will need you to confirm or negate But wait because I don't want to come off so crazy. Maybe its too late for that. I'm not that bad. I could have actually stalked you if I had wanted to and I kind of did but I was never going to follow you to your house. I promise I'm honest. I say what I'm thinking. It would take a lot for me to be that obsessed But relatively I'm still kind of obsessed I'm cringing at myself. Wow. I really kind of spilled my guts to you. I was in disbelief for most of the night. I dont know what the right move for you is or if there even is one. But honestly anything you say to me gets interpreted the same way "He's into me" Because I'm into you Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck I always used isolation as my best way to deal with external stressors. What do i even want from you? What do you want from me? I'm starting to get new opinions. I get new opinions every day Everything's my fault Sad songs I'm thinking about fucking you again which means its going to happen unless I completely turn in the opposite direction Honestly I felt just as jealous when I saw you talking to Rowan Maybe not EVERY girl but a lot And I know that's my problem now Anything I understand. Its your nature. You probably talk to everyone like that. God your so accepting and supportive I'm gonna fucking come You're lucky you guys had basements Help me I live in an apartment I can't have a drum set here Once I start making real money I'm going to get a house Anything for my feelings, to feel good, to feel like myself. I digress What's best is nothing I like everything the way it is. I was hoping I could get on your bad side and be rejected but I guess you're not gonna throw me out, I guess you don't really do that to people. That was directed to a person now this is for me January 28 2018 12:43 AM I swear I really think I can hear peoples thoughts when I smoke. Delusions of grandeur? No wonder. I can't help myself. I feel dusty. Literally dusty. I hate society, for a few generations now I guess what it comes out to is where you feel best, you try to escape but there's no rest, you don't listen to new music, you don't know what's right, your aim is off, you're always wrong Your friend is gonna wake up, she's right in front of you, she's me and you ** I'm proud of myself. I'm embarrassed too, but fuck it. My health always comes first. I've come a long way from high school. But I'm becoming cold hearted Jjanuary 26 12:32 Everytung I think of becomes real ** January 23rd Ha oh my god I always want to tell everyone about my eating disorder but I never did but I kind of forced you to read it. I'm still questioning my decisions. I feel like I'm 16. I still feel the same way. Maybe I can be more to the point today. Sometimes I have a hard time looking you in the face. Last night I really wanted to stay longer and just spend all night with you...but I promised my friend she could come over so we can work on songs, and I said yes without thinking, but maybe I should have told her another time cause I wanted you really bad. But I still feel confused. Am I annoying you? You seem to be still loving and I guess I'm not really that used to people reacting that way when i overshare. Which I used to do a lot and it felt draining. I'm sick of it. Honestly I want nothing more in this life to be natural and successful and play good music. That's the only thing that makes me sad about last night. My songs are simple to begin with. Its brendans fault January 24th 2018 7:05pm It keeps Repeating in my head, why did I have to tell him too much? Why did I write Jonathan that letter? Because I wanted to cause a stir and push my limits, I want to get on his bad side if he has one. Because I feel burning in my heart whenever I'm near him Here's another feeling I feel really sad that Ariel dropped me I feel like I'm not good enough for mainstream music I can't be the only one who feels that way I feel his absence Im sad about it. ** Don't come to me when you're feeling stressed. Don't come quacking like A duck. Done come to me sideways or crooked. If you get near me I want you in a state of near perfection, of endless beauty and bountiful energy. January 22 2017 11:47 AM I'm kind of stressed because of relationships. Like I don't know what a healthy relationship is. I don't know what it's like to not have to constantly prove myself. Its exhausting. I don't know what its like to not have sexual advances coming at me all the time, while simultaneously chasing someone who doesn't want me. I'm just chasing the feeling. I'm scared that Jonathan is gonna see that Brendan is into me and that I fucked him and he's gonna think "get me away from her" why am I fighting with myself over my feelings about Jonathan? I don't even know how I really feel. I think he's a twin of mine. And I hate him and love him at the same time ** Angelic realms. Death upon us. Death comes quickly, ripped from earth, its cigarette ashes, its factory smoke. What I wouldn't give to be a child at the zoo right now Angelic realms. Deathwish. Call your angels. Glowing might body me but i don't care because they're next to me and I sleep peacefully. I'm beneath the subtle churning.  I'm a worm, I'm an Angel, I'm what its worth the whole universe.  I believe in truth and peace and justice. What have you heard? Where are you from? Can you take me back there with you? A lovers job is getting so hard, but not enough for me. Death takes you away from the earth, the dark reaches of the universe become the corners of your bedroom, by comparison, to soothe your human mind. Giving back doesn't take any work when you're a goddess or a god, and everything is your creation. The goodness of creation is beauty and choice, comfort, joy, and ease. ** Songs God bless the child All of me Strange fruit But not for me Blue skies Black coffee Annie Clark Dream a little dream Marry me Body and soul Human racing These days All my stars aligned La boa Garota de ipanema Comofaz So sei dancar com voce Asesina Enamore How can this be Desperation Kidnapped Your life is a lie He is the sun and I am the moon Universal I just wanted you to try me out You only care about how it looks The very thought of you I love you porgy As time goes by Goodnight Irene Where did you sleep last night Anyone else but you Los ageless New York Slow disco Hallelujah House of the rising sun Polly About a girl ** NAME THIS BOOKING COMPANY I LOVE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!! ** Remember when I used to spend the night at your house? You were always baking cookies. I was always distracted. Weaving some half Baked string of ideas together. I guess we can feel everything, I can feel all your sadness, see it in your drinking, and your cigarettes, and I see it in knowing you still want to die sometimes. No I don't know why. Blue skies. Slur. ** January 16 2018 There are so many events going on in the city. There must be a big market? Gonna find out. I'm feeling my stagnant energy more than before now. I feel how some parts of me are just stunted and not progressing. Maybe that's why I always fall in love with people who behave in childlike ways 8:51 pm I have a fairly constant urge to be writing. But I trip myself up thinking it has to be beautiful, or it has to be poetic. I'd rather you trust me than to love me. Abuse tactics. The feeling is interesting. Because I do have abusive habits, not extreme but they're there. Before I couldn't recognize the feeling but now i know what it feels like, the hardness, and the dip in energy from the other person. Finally feeling like I have control, feeling desperate beforehand, like I've been walking around with this intense hunger and the only way to satisfy it is to get a man interested or make a woman jealous. I feel it when I do it now... And i don't feel helpless, and I don't feel like I'm a bad person, I feel like I'm hurt, and needy and I'm going to take care of myself until the day I die. Hard feelings. I wish I could always be writing. My greatest hunger is to capture my thoughts in their pure essence so that other people can see them. Why my own thoughts? Because I see myself as a reflection of greater society, I'm a mirror image of everyone who feels like me, and there's hordes of us, who we all feel the same but we haven't ever met yet. Sometimes I have really scary thoughts. Like, I feel terrified. Sometimes I feel scary things on people and I feel terrified. You have to let yourself have the experience with a helmet on. Never follow anyone unless you feel joy! Especialy men. Obligation is not a good enough reason. I want it so badly, I feel so lonely, i want to be with other people all the time Some unholy obligation I wish I had done my song with more clear intention ** Januuary 15 2017 9:25 AM Stop wasting your own time Why does it take me 2 hours to get out of bed? It is a choice I am making to get up and not do anything. Is that fair? Am I justified because I had an eating disorder and anxiety attacks that its okay for me to not have a job and only do art and have eczema and smoke weed? Do I need an excuse? The kitchen of my house is pretty dirty right now. I could be a good person and clean it up so my mom doesn't have to see it but I don't want to, I just wanna hang out and listen to music that's how in feel better I'm not cleaning cause I'm afraid of her reaction to not being the one to clean it herself no that's why its so hard . I feel like a teenager. Jonathan probably hates me my face is old my breath stinks my face is dry my rhythm is dry and hot and frying meat but anyway I think Jonathan probably doesn't even he probably hates me and thinks I'm weird and he just hates me why do I exist please stop I can't stop. I can't keep having anxiety attacks!!!!! Ideal morning routine: Wake up Drink water/smoke Go to bathroom Clean clutter Shower Practice songs or make breakfast **do all this w minimal phone usage** ** January 15 2017 8:06 AM Did you read my last letter? Was it making sense? I don't know why I'm being like this. I will try to speak from my heart. Its like, you live in Brooklyn, I live uptown but hang out in Brooklyn a lot. I don't usually think about people the way I think about you. I don't know why I've had a crush on you since day one. My feelings feel heavy. I never really considered that anyone I know would be polyamorous. I thought that you didn't make it clear at first, at least I didn't understand it until way later then it made sense. And that kind of made me mad. But I didn't think it was the worst thing in the world. Its not like we ever hang out. This feeling is learning me a lot. I feel manic 1:36 pm I just need you to understand how I feel I feel really desperate I thought I wanted to be with you but I'm not and I'm not happy Every time I see you I go crazy January 22 12:45 pm I'm going to see you today. Some of my friends are underage. You still don't care about me. I'm trying to provoke a response, I'm going to expose my underbelly here. I'm pretending I don't know when and I don't know why I feel this way because I think knowing feels unsafe but it hurts to live a lie, am I making sense? I know why I feel this way. I recognize myself and everything I want in you. I want to use you but I never can. I don't know what the future brings, but I hope we're still friends. If I can't use you, then I have to become the person I'm wanting. Ill pretend I'm you, and write myself a letter, under a full moon, from my heart, and all the love in the world will come through, under the full moon. If you're not a woman you won't understand the experience of a reproductive cycle, every month my body gets ready to have a baby and then releases the blood and nutrients because I have never been pregnant. Not to get distracted, but, I have a lot of ideas I get competitive with other women A lot. I feel insecure, I worry that there is a shortage of love and partners which is totally not true but my limited human consciousness just needed some assistance with that. Are you still paying attention? If I look back to when I was a kid, I can see that my intellect was always what got me attention and love and molested, so that's why I get so weird, and why I find it so easy to draw in men who value intelligence, but then it feels like I'm about to be molested so i drop them. Too much yet? More unnecessary personal details below please give me back my phone if you're not gonna still love me after this Sorry I'm way better at writing sometimes * * * * I was anorexic and bulimic because I was constantly encouraged to lose weight and it was impressed upon me that I wouldn't be valued if I wasn't thin and beautiful. I'm still fucked up I have a hard time being around food. Maybe you noticed. I want you to worry about me Constantly critiqued for my food choices. Everyone eats garbage. I hate everything. I love everything. I'm every woman its all in me Why I cant do anything without it coming up. Its not a competition but it is. If I don't....if I don't....then she will win....and something will kill me and I will die alone. My basic human brain. Still a caveman at heart. This is why I can welcome the digital age and new faces of humanity. Please for the love of god bring me something I like. I won't die alone. Because I am going to love every day. With or without you, on the radio or in a bar, for myself and everyone else but mostly myself. I love you! ** I wish my mom had let me stay in the hospital. I wish I wasn't too afraid to disobey my mom when i was 16. I wish I was still anorexic so people would be worried about me. ** January 13 2018 I THINK I HAVE A TAPEWORM by Nova Luz Palaquibay Brener I keep feeling like I want to tell you something, so I tell you what I'm feeling , but more comes out. More than i planned. And I keep feeling like I want to tell you all these things but I just don't because, they aren't nice. Every time I see any girl get near you I flare up inside. But I don't say anything because, I don't think that's right.  Like why would you even listen to me what would the outcome be? I think you don't value me at all, not any more than anyone else you know. I'm just like everyone else, and thinking that hurts my soul. I was obsessed with your band. The fact that you're even in my life means so much to me but I want you to be devoted to me, why? I don't know why I just do. You are so nice and sweet. Pplease don't sleep with allegra. I would scream if I saw that coming. I can't have you. I can never have you because I don't want to go after you, because I think that's a mans job,and I think you're the man and I'm the woman. And I feel sad all the time. I tense up when I see you. You don't care about me. I smell like garlic I have a parasite. You don't love me. I don't know why but when I see you I want to tackle you Either kiss you or punch you in the face You make me so mad I have asexual tendenciesI I'm I still think about other guys, but youre always fresh in my head, gender is real, but not static.  Hey man. Do what you like. I just wish you actually wanted to spend time with me. I'm always going to feel this way. I'm always going to be jealous of everyone else you love I was obsessed with you in high school. Like, is this going to wear off? Do you imagine yourself being with people forever? Cause I'm doing it. But in truth I can't see it with you and me, only a feeling. Liike a burning in my heart whenever you look at me. I hate you. You don't care about me. I don't care about you. I think I do but really, when I see you I think about myself, and how good it would look to everyone if you were mine. I hate you. Leave me alone. I think you're great. You're so nice. Even your spine is fine. It could be. But she won't. She will. Fuxk this shit. I know I'm never going to get rich playing in ridgewood and bushwick at random bars only playing to the other bands and juno and Andrea. I know that. Haha. Do I have to talk about wanting to suck up everyone's feelings? I want to eat them up,, every lonely musician I've watched in empty rooms. I want to hold them in my heart. Just go and play. To no one. I have to kind of respect that. I want to understand people who play in empty rooms, I want to understand artists, I want to understand poor and rich, I want to know someone who can sell out Madison square garden, I want to be everywhere and leave my body at night. I want to hold everyone sometimes I feel like I'm in love with everyone but I'm starting to think that's normal. You don't care about me. I only care about me. I can't live like this. You're so important to me, everything you do, I'm sorry I don't speak, everything has been different since i found you. I'm sorry, there's nothing wrong, i just think I have a literal parasite. Please don't introduce me to anyone this year. I'm going to try to forget you exist because I have twisted intentions and you don't want me anyway You never loved me Please don't say it again unless you want to hold my hand in public. Was it not obvious? I hate you pay attention, stop hiding, why won't he talk to me? How can you be so smart and so retarded at the same time? Why doesn't anyone want to be with me? Be with me all the time. Maybe go away because I can't look at you or talk to you without losing my mind I'm mad at you. ** Remember when I used to spend the night at your house, and we would watch movies that would soon win awards. I can never watch movies, it was only with you..? Remember when I used to spend the night at your house? You were always baking cookies. I've never felt like that around anyone before. Like i just wanted more and more. You were the only person I ever wanted to fuck 4 or 5 times in one night. I wonder how it made you feel.  It felt like I was getting somewhere, like maybe my husband could be an artist like me, maybe you could be my husband. We were always meant to be together for a time but I looked into every timeline, and we are crying, we don't stay together for a long time. I've never felt anyone in my heart like that before. I think about you sometimes. I wish I could be with you. I wish I could be with everyone. The last 2 time we fucked I ended up with a yeast infection, so I stopped. I told you I loved you but you didn't believe me, and then I didn't believe myself. Its not movie love. I love a lot of people. And I won't fuck any of them. But I do love you no matter what you say. I wish we could be together and I could hold you in my heart and make all your pain go away. Remember how it feels to be young? I kiss you when I'm dizzy, I'm feeling hazy, I see you through the haze, I love you, I'm insecure, I'm afraid, Friday, I wish we could be together like in my fantasies, just us two with only each other to hold. I don't know. Monogamy is unnatural but I can't help imagining id be very happy to see someone commit to only me. It never ends ** So this might be a shot in the dark but I had this idea that i could sell peoples art prints with your information at events. I'm putting A bunch of events in my calendar and hopefully i can be more on it this year. But I don't know I wanna have fun and travel so im I'm so obsessed Eso no es amor, eso se llama obsesion Oh god Spring equuinox event ** I feel really ignored Its Giving me a headache.  Inspiration is few. Caffiene withdrawal. Has gotten me. Its It really hurts me I think you want allegra I think she's more important to you than me I wish I was important to you I wish there was someone who wanted to see me every day. Im sorry. Obviously this love was never meant to be. I'm lost in fantasy...please now you can leave I really like that I can use my menstrual cycle to guide me. I follow the same patterns every month. I always really want to eat a lot around the time I'm ovulating ** Monday january 8 2018 still obsessed with Beinng skinny ** Music in. 2018 Have people playing woodwind No impulse is too out of control No impulse is too crazy No impulse will get you killed I wish I could fly No impulse is too weird for me A full impulse is a big wave and I watch it from start to finish. And then there was millions of tiny ones I saw you last night in my dream Usually when I meet people in my dreams its at a party, but it felt like I saw you in the park in the summer You wanted to be there but wanted to be somewhere else, you looked so happy to see me I love to look into your eyes, its the easiest thing in the world. At every impulse I thought I was gonna cry and I'm still waiting for it to happen in real life. But my dream was easy and started with a top 100 song I wrote for a celebrity And my dreams dont think in regular time And it kind of cross faded, and bounced around like all these colors so I could meet you on the park bench again. The dream didn't end in my sleep but if it had I think it would have ended like this: You looked like you wanted to leave, and a rushed voice in my head told me, "Tell him something.  Tell him he can do anything in his heart. Dont leave him so soon. Dont leave everyone bad confused." And I rushed to tell him, and he tells me, "its ok" ** HEMMORHAGE You only care about the way it looks and you close your eyes to see the stars but They're too far away They're too far away and your just imagining it its just your imagination They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be They're dying in the streets but I just leave them be I think you're the culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit I think you're the culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Culprit pulpit choking on a peach pit Its inside of me it has a funny smell you keep saying its okay but i don't feel okay I'm gonna give them hell they're dying in the street Leave me alone I can't be with you today I wish I could hold you in my arms I wish i could hold you in my heart They're dying in the street Culprit pulpit choking on a cherry pit Culprit pulpit choking on a cherry pit ** Wow I'm obsessed. Desperation. Glittery blue stone. Purple. I love you, I know I do, oh I love this tune ** Wow I'm obsessed. Desperation. Glittery blue stone. Purple. I love you, I know I do, oh I love this tune ** The only reason I'm doing it is for the music and the attention and the eyes laid on me and I can watch from a distance I'm keeping my distance the sun shines on my thoughts December 25th 2017 7:39pm This is what's been building up inside of me, the only natural consequence of inflicting possibility and inflicting freedom on yourself, there is only one possibility, we feel so Warm on the inside. I want to be part of a different world. I don't wanna **

[foursproutlove-blog]

Dear Dana: I’m 6 Months Postpartum, My Husband Wants Sex But I Don’t

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/love/dear-dana-im-6-months-postpartum-my-husband-wants-sex-but-i-dont/

Dear Dana: I’m 6 Months Postpartum, My Husband Wants Sex But I Don’t

Dear Dana is a bi-weekly advice column for humans who engage in romantic relationships. Please send your dilemmas, issues, conundrums, assumptions, conflicts, anxieties, worriments, obstacles, complications, predicaments, queries, questions, and any other synonyms for “problems” to deardana@rolereboot.org.

Dear Dana:

My husband and I welcomed our first baby, Dylan, six months ago. He’s wonderful and adorable and brings us endless joy, but he’s also a ridiculous amount of work and needy and exhausting. You know, a typical baby. Most days, after I put him down for bed, I want to fall into my own bed and just wake up the next morning. My husband is all in and does a ton of the heavy lifting, but I’m still breastfeeding on demand, so it feels like it’s all me all the time. I’m a leaky, sleep deprived mess of a woman just trying to not burn the house down.

The problem is, my husband is REALLY ready to have sex again, and I’m just not. I’m not anywhere close to being ready. I have zero libido and after my tiny human sucks on me all day, the last thing I want is to share my body with anyone else. I haven’t even masturbated in the last six months. He’s starting to take it personally, though, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m still in love with him and attracted to him, and I’m sure I’ll want to have sex again some day, but I’m not there yet because I’M SO TIRED. Is this normal? And how can I make everyone happy in this situation?

Signed,

Super Not Horny

Dear Super Not Horny,

First of all, fuck normal. What does it matter if something is normal or not? You’re having an experience, you’re having a problem, and that problem exists regardless of whether or not 51% of the population also experiences it.

You’re not alone in this. I can tell you, for sure, that you are not. Many many many women experience a diminishment of their sex drives when they have a newborn, especially while they’re breastfeeding.

You ask what you can do to make everyone happy in this situation, and that question caught me a bit sideways. Why is it on you to make everyone happy? Why isn’t it on your husband to make everyone happy? He wants sex, you don’t, so doesn’t it make sense that he would be the one empowered with coming up with ways to help bridge the gap between where you are now (exhausted, leaking, not feeling it) to where he would like you to be (rested, leaking, enjoying that post-orgasm glow)? I know that the world we live in is one where women are supposed to solve all of the problems but, like, has he come up with any kind of an idea to help you through?

But let’s assume that he doesn’t have any ideas, or that his ideas are crap and you don’t want to hear them. So, I want you to know that I think that sex is great, sex is a gift, sex knits us together with our partners, it’s a basic need like food and water and sunshine. When done well, it makes people happy. It improves the quality of life. What I want is to help you help yourself out of the land of “no libido could my husband just please stop wanting sex” to the land of “wow we’re doing it every few weeks that’s an improvement.” And my plan has three parts.

One: Admit that this baby is sucking up all of the touch you used to give to your husband. The feeling you have at the end of the day is often referred to as being “touched out.” I love to touch and be touched, I love snuggling and cuddling and hugs and kisses, but after I had my newborn all I wanted was an hour where no one touched me. When a friend asked, “How’s the new baby?” I responded, “HE WON’T STOP TOUCHING ME.” We all have a certain capacity for intimacy and your baby is taking more than his fair share. This takes the blame off of you, and off of your husband, and puts it onto the situation. The baby is taking a lot from you, and you’re giving a lot to him, and there isn’t anything left over for your husband.

Two: Realize that sex is a practice. If you want to get into amazing physical shape, do you suddenly join a gym and then workout for five hours straight? No, because you’d probably throw up a little bit. Instead, you ramp up to it. You join a gym one day, get a tour the next day, go to the gym in your workout clothes a third day to do 20 minutes on the treadmill, etc… You ease your way in, build one day on the next, until you make it a habit, until going to the gym is something that you just do.

Here’s the thing about having kids and sex: They are not compatible. If you, say, stopped having sex in the first trimester because you were sick, and then didn’t do it in the second trimester because it weirded one or both of you out, and then didn’t do it in the third trimester because how can we even find it anymore, and then had a baby and took the mandatory six weeks off from sex post-partum, then your new normal is not having sex. Sex is, at this point, a foreign country that you used to live in but now you’ve been away so long you’ve forgotten the language. The less you do it, the less you want to do it but. Conversely, the more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it.

Also, like exercise, sex is good for you and it’s good for your relationship. If my husband is getting on my every single nerve then I know that it’s time for us to have sex. You see, even though in that moment he’s annoying the shit out of me, I know that, counter-intuitively, having sex will fix that problem. Because it’s not that he’s annoying, it’s that any human you occupy space with is annoying unless that human is giving you orgasms in which case they’re pretty OK. Sex = orgasm = oxytocin flooding your brain = aw, it’s kind of cute how he rearranges the dishwasher after I’ve loaded it. I swear I don’t know how people live together for years without ever having sex. Sex is magic lubricating glue – it bonds you back together while eliminating points of friction.

Three: Slowly move yourself from the sexless desert back into a sex life. First off, rethink what constitutes a sex life by which I mean: start masturbating. Start masturbating ASAP. Get yourself there, by yourself, with no pressure or expectations from anyone else. Watch a porn, read some erotic literature, google image search “hot cocks” – do whatever you need to do that makes you feel a twinge of a sexual tingle. Now, do it again. I mean, not that same day, unless you’re so moved, but definitely the next week. Get your body used to experiencing orgasms again so your body will expect to experience orgasms again.

Next, start to notice the times of day when you and your husband would both be available to be intimate. Notice that they probably aren’t going to be at night, when you’re exhausted, or in the morning, when you’re being woken up by a crying baby. They’re probably going to be during nap time. Girl, nap time sex is where it’s at. Everyone has energy and no one is crying.

Then, if you find yourself dreading the idea of foreplay – the touching, the stroking, him going anywhere near your boobs – start incorporating your husband into your sex life with forms of sex that don’t involve touching you don’t like. For instance, throw on a porno, invite him to sit down, and you can participate as much as you like while he masturbates. It could be as simple as wrapping a leg around him while he does it. Get naked with him and have him watch you as you masturbate, no touching allowed. Start making out with him whenever the mood strikes. Ease your way back into relating to him physically. Or, if you want to go big, bank some breast milk, get a sitter, get a hotel room, and, once you get into this hotel room, establish a safe word and then tie your husband up so he can’t touch you. Now, touch him.

You are perfectly normal to be completely uninterested in sex after having a baby, but that doesn’t mean that you should just wait for breastfeeding to end and your libido to come creeping back on its own. Dedicate time to yourself, to your relationship, and reconnect with your sexual self. And don’t do it just to make your husband happy – do it because it will make you happy.

Dana Norris once went on 71 internet dates, many of which you may read about here. She is the founder of Story Club and editor-in-chief of Story Club Magazine. She has been featured in McSweeney’s, Role Reboot, The Rumpus, and Tampa Review and she teaches at StoryStudio Chicago. You may find her on Twitter at @dananorris.

Other Links:

If You Support Roy Moore, Don’t Talk To Me About ‘The Sanctity Of Life’

On Giving Second Chances And Getting Burned

Dangerous Men, Like The Air We Breathe

The post Dear Dana: I’m 6 Months Postpartum, My Husband Wants Sex But I Don’t appeared first on Role Reboot.

[foursprout-blog]

Dear Dana: I’m 6 Months Postpartum, My Husband Wants Sex But I Don’t

New Post has been published on http://foursprout.com/love/dear-dana-im-6-months-postpartum-my-husband-wants-sex-but-i-dont/

Dear Dana: I’m 6 Months Postpartum, My Husband Wants Sex But I Don’t

Dear Dana is a bi-weekly advice column for humans who engage in romantic relationships. Please send your dilemmas, issues, conundrums, assumptions, conflicts, anxieties, worriments, obstacles, complications, predicaments, queries, questions, and any other synonyms for “problems” to deardana@rolereboot.org.

Dear Dana:

My husband and I welcomed our first baby, Dylan, six months ago. He’s wonderful and adorable and brings us endless joy, but he’s also a ridiculous amount of work and needy and exhausting. You know, a typical baby. Most days, after I put him down for bed, I want to fall into my own bed and just wake up the next morning. My husband is all in and does a ton of the heavy lifting, but I’m still breastfeeding on demand, so it feels like it’s all me all the time. I’m a leaky, sleep deprived mess of a woman just trying to not burn the house down.

The problem is, my husband is REALLY ready to have sex again, and I’m just not. I’m not anywhere close to being ready. I have zero libido and after my tiny human sucks on me all day, the last thing I want is to share my body with anyone else. I haven’t even masturbated in the last six months. He’s starting to take it personally, though, and I’m not sure how to handle it. I’m still in love with him and attracted to him, and I’m sure I’ll want to have sex again some day, but I’m not there yet because I’M SO TIRED. Is this normal? And how can I make everyone happy in this situation?

Signed,

Super Not Horny

Dear Super Not Horny,

First of all, fuck normal. What does it matter if something is normal or not? You’re having an experience, you’re having a problem, and that problem exists regardless of whether or not 51% of the population also experiences it.

You’re not alone in this. I can tell you, for sure, that you are not. Many many many women experience a diminishment of their sex drives when they have a newborn, especially while they’re breastfeeding.

You ask what you can do to make everyone happy in this situation, and that question caught me a bit sideways. Why is it on you to make everyone happy? Why isn’t it on your husband to make everyone happy? He wants sex, you don’t, so doesn’t it make sense that he would be the one empowered with coming up with ways to help bridge the gap between where you are now (exhausted, leaking, not feeling it) to where he would like you to be (rested, leaking, enjoying that post-orgasm glow)? I know that the world we live in is one where women are supposed to solve all of the problems but, like, has he come up with any kind of an idea to help you through?

But let’s assume that he doesn’t have any ideas, or that his ideas are crap and you don’t want to hear them. So, I want you to know that I think that sex is great, sex is a gift, sex knits us together with our partners, it’s a basic need like food and water and sunshine. When done well, it makes people happy. It improves the quality of life. What I want is to help you help yourself out of the land of “no libido could my husband just please stop wanting sex” to the land of “wow we’re doing it every few weeks that’s an improvement.” And my plan has three parts.

One: Admit that this baby is sucking up all of the touch you used to give to your husband. The feeling you have at the end of the day is often referred to as being “touched out.” I love to touch and be touched, I love snuggling and cuddling and hugs and kisses, but after I had my newborn all I wanted was an hour where no one touched me. When a friend asked, “How’s the new baby?” I responded, “HE WON’T STOP TOUCHING ME.” We all have a certain capacity for intimacy and your baby is taking more than his fair share. This takes the blame off of you, and off of your husband, and puts it onto the situation. The baby is taking a lot from you, and you’re giving a lot to him, and there isn’t anything left over for your husband.

Two: Realize that sex is a practice. If you want to get into amazing physical shape, do you suddenly join a gym and then workout for five hours straight? No, because you’d probably throw up a little bit. Instead, you ramp up to it. You join a gym one day, get a tour the next day, go to the gym in your workout clothes a third day to do 20 minutes on the treadmill, etc… You ease your way in, build one day on the next, until you make it a habit, until going to the gym is something that you just do.

Here’s the thing about having kids and sex: They are not compatible. If you, say, stopped having sex in the first trimester because you were sick, and then didn’t do it in the second trimester because it weirded one or both of you out, and then didn’t do it in the third trimester because how can we even find it anymore, and then had a baby and took the mandatory six weeks off from sex post-partum, then your new normal is not having sex. Sex is, at this point, a foreign country that you used to live in but now you’ve been away so long you’ve forgotten the language. The less you do it, the less you want to do it but. Conversely, the more you do it, the more you’ll want to do it.

Also, like exercise, sex is good for you and it’s good for your relationship. If my husband is getting on my every single nerve then I know that it’s time for us to have sex. You see, even though in that moment he’s annoying the shit out of me, I know that, counter-intuitively, having sex will fix that problem. Because it’s not that he’s annoying, it’s that any human you occupy space with is annoying unless that human is giving you orgasms in which case they’re pretty OK. Sex = orgasm = oxytocin flooding your brain = aw, it’s kind of cute how he rearranges the dishwasher after I’ve loaded it. I swear I don’t know how people live together for years without ever having sex. Sex is magic lubricating glue – it bonds you back together while eliminating points of friction.

Three: Slowly move yourself from the sexless desert back into a sex life. First off, rethink what constitutes a sex life by which I mean: start masturbating. Start masturbating ASAP. Get yourself there, by yourself, with no pressure or expectations from anyone else. Watch a porn, read some erotic literature, google image search “hot cocks” – do whatever you need to do that makes you feel a twinge of a sexual tingle. Now, do it again. I mean, not that same day, unless you’re so moved, but definitely the next week. Get your body used to experiencing orgasms again so your body will expect to experience orgasms again.

Next, start to notice the times of day when you and your husband would both be available to be intimate. Notice that they probably aren’t going to be at night, when you’re exhausted, or in the morning, when you’re being woken up by a crying baby. They’re probably going to be during nap time. Girl, nap time sex is where it’s at. Everyone has energy and no one is crying.

Then, if you find yourself dreading the idea of foreplay – the touching, the stroking, him going anywhere near your boobs – start incorporating your husband into your sex life with forms of sex that don’t involve touching you don’t like. For instance, throw on a porno, invite him to sit down, and you can participate as much as you like while he masturbates. It could be as simple as wrapping a leg around him while he does it. Get naked with him and have him watch you as you masturbate, no touching allowed. Start making out with him whenever the mood strikes. Ease your way back into relating to him physically. Or, if you want to go big, bank some breast milk, get a sitter, get a hotel room, and, once you get into this hotel room, establish a safe word and then tie your husband up so he can’t touch you. Now, touch him.

You are perfectly normal to be completely uninterested in sex after having a baby, but that doesn’t mean that you should just wait for breastfeeding to end and your libido to come creeping back on its own. Dedicate time to yourself, to your relationship, and reconnect with your sexual self. And don’t do it just to make your husband happy – do it because it will make you happy.

Dana Norris once went on 71 internet dates, many of which you may read about here. She is the founder of Story Club and editor-in-chief of Story Club Magazine. She has been featured in McSweeney’s, Role Reboot, The Rumpus, and Tampa Review and she teaches at StoryStudio Chicago. You may find her on Twitter at @dananorris.

Other Links:

If You Support Roy Moore, Don’t Talk To Me About ‘The Sanctity Of Life’

On Giving Second Chances And Getting Burned

Dangerous Men, Like The Air We Breathe

The post Dear Dana: I’m 6 Months Postpartum, My Husband Wants Sex But I Don’t appeared first on Role Reboot.