#im so sorry i dont watch very recent movies and ive taken a break from my obscure horror adventure

[gophergal]

28. favorite lgbt horror film

.... Damn I'm blanking on them so hard. Would Alien be a cop out?

Like. Ripley has strong queer energy and there is a canon trans girl? Chestbursters are kinda like pregnancy horror and I've always thought pregnancy horror was pretty queer flavored?

If I have to go more recent and explicit, then Freaky. Its horror comedy, but it enjoyed it

[cockbiteproductions]

primed to scream PRIMES! PRIMES! PRIMES!!

f i just typed the answer to most of these questions and chrome crashed so christ i have to fucking retype all these but much condensed because i am lazy.

2. chocolate bars or lollipops?

chocolate bars. but only milk. my mom buys exclusively Very Dark Chocolate though so i usually just stare at those and Wish.

3. bubblegum or cotton candy?

well bubblegum or cotton candy flavored stuff neither they both taste nauseating. if we’re talking about the actual stuff then bubblegum because i can pop it. this actually reminded me i have gum in the pantry from the beginning of the semester i havent even opened yet so now my roommates have you to thank for popping noises the next hr or so

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups?

soda bottles because i dont like to drink soda quickly and so i want to close it and not let the carbon dioxide escape. soda cans a close second because it’s satisfying to open the tab.

7. earbuds or headphones?

wired earbuds because headphones are too big and clunky and you cant easily lay on your side with headphones on. but if my next pair of earbuds break within a month i might consider Switching because ive had 3 break on me in the past month and half and im at my wits end with earbuds.

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day?

i dont eat much for breakfast cause i want to sleep in until the last possible moment and i get stomachaches when i eat a lot in the morning but ill eat a piece of bread and yogurt maybe.

13. lanyard or key ring?

key ring but that’s just because i havent used a lanyard before. i think i would like a lanyard. im constantly looking for my keys in bags.

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes?

this pair of black sandals that i have tan lines on my feet from how much ive worn them

19. sleeping position?

ill sleep however... i like sleeping on my left side. on my stomach with my head to the right. on my back with my arms crossover my chest to keep warm. at the end of the bed with my head where my feet should be. i dont move at all when i sleep so freshman year when i had a lofted bed i think my roommate was a bit concerned in the beginning when i refused a bedrail because she thought i might fall. i never fell which was nice.

23. strange habits?

oh man idk i probably have a lot of those but nothing i can think about right now when im being put on the spot.

in elementary school i used to refuse to step on the yellow tiles at school.

29. best way to bond with you?

talk to me about the stuff i love!!!! and watch the stuff i love with me!!!! i am always down to [whatever the rabb.it replacement is these days] stuff with people and just generally both yell at each other and be passionate about stuff. currently what im passionate about is the stuff im screaming over at @winstonbillions​ so talk to me about that stuff!! please. i am always 3 seconds from screaming about ANY of that stuff.

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names?

idk about outfits to kick ass and take names but i have outfits where i get my ass kicked and name taken aka what i wear to exams. which is my tower of pimps shirt which ive deemed lucky. is it lucky in any way? no, but i’m hoping if i wear it enough to exams it might.

37. suitcase or duffel bag?

duffel bag. suitcases are so large and unwieldily. that reminds me i have a suitcase of winter clothes in my trunk i need to take out.

41. last person you texted?

as in actual texts on my phone? that would be my dad. asking him if i should drop my class im failing. 

as for the last person i instant messaged, that would be one of my mutuals through my musical theater sideblog im currently yelling at about [musical theater related interest]. im not kidding guys talk to me about the stuff i post about on @winstonbillions​ PLEASE

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket?

2 months ago i would have said hoodie but im kinda becoming a cardigan kind of person now. theyre just Soft and and Long and Casual and i love them. hoodies are too hard to take off.

47. favorite type of cheese?

mild cheddar, american, and mozzarella. i actually only Recently started cataloging cheeses in my brain to their actual names so for my entire life i was like i just like cheese even though there are certain ones i hate like swiss and blue cheese.

53. what is the current state of your hands?

a bit cold and a bit tired from typing all the answers to all these asks tbh. but other than that good. i just cut my nails because they were atrociously long. 

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be?

“worm” or “fuck” or “no!” according to my roommate

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.?

oh my ogdokh oym ogdos sd fdospohm to mo edf ucmign fugod mfyo uacant just ask me this im going to absolutely die

in absolutely no order, all from completely from memory, and favorite for a variety of different reasons

“fuck you, math man. if you’re such a genius why can’t you count to loyalty” - mafee in 4x11 lamster billions

“captain, he think, and feels that much more powerful” - luminousbeings in you don’t have to (say yes) the star trek fic

“more than you know, i understand wanting to walk away from the jedi”“i know.” - anakin skywalker and ahsoka tano in 5x12 the wrong jedi star wars the clone wars

“i won’t leave you, not this time.” “then you will die” - ahsoka tano and darth vader in 2x12 twilight of the apprentice star wars rebels

“there is nothing so pure as a man on a mission. when faced with the fire, never quivers or runs. there is nothing so noble as sticking together, for lonely is the life lead when sticking to its guns." - narrator in bloodsong of love by joe iconis

“now i’ve got myself a name and i’m ready to risk it with a battle cry disguised as a sing-along” - never heard nothing by joe iconis

“i’m frickin done with being the loser, the wuss, the underdog. being the misfit, the old school analog. being the oddball, the weakling freak. the failure, the sucker, the please-don’t-speak. oh i can’t hardly wait for the moment when i’m not the loser the geek or whatever, ever again” - jeremy heere in be more chill by joe iconis

“i’m tired of being the person that everyone thinks that i am” - various in be more chill by joe iconis

“q is for quantitative, baby!” - winston in 4x12 extreme sandbox billions

“the cheering is just as important as the song” - lisa and ms. werring in the black suits by joe iconis

“first, best destiny” - spock in star trek ii wrath of khan

“be proud of your place in the cosmos. it is small, and yet it is. how unlikely. how fantastic, and stupid. and excellent.” - cecil in welcome to night vale old oak doors part b

“are we living a life that is safe from harm? of course not. we never are. the questions is are we living a life that is worth the harm?” - cecil in welcome to night vale parade day

“as I turned and my eyes beheld you, i displayed emotion. i beg forgiveness.” - spock somewhere in star trek tos

“the sky collapsed without a sound. these broken pieces hit the ground.  the rain fell down around me and i drowned, but i will save you.” - part of me from dear evan hansen

“this is, after all, the story of how i died” - epsilon in the rvb13 trailer

“and while the law has many punishments for the atrocities we inflict on others, there are no punishments for the terrors we inflict on ourselves.” - the director in the s6 finale of red vs blue

that was in no way an exhaustive list but all i could think of at the moment

67. good luck charms?

not really any tbh. i try to wear my tower of pimps shirt whenever i take an exam but that’s about it.

71. least favorite pattern?

what does this even fucking mean?????? i will say the observer design pattern in programming because i don’t understand it well despite having used it twice now.

73. favorite weird flavor combo?

oh god idk why are all these questions getting harder. nothing i can think of at the moment.

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo?

i say school id tentatively, but neither of them looks great. my school id photo was a selfie.

83. writing or drawing?

writing. i wish to GOD i could draw and i probably could if i put in the amount of time i need to to learn how to draw but im a lazy bastard. but i’m not that great at writing either as i’ve found out. everything is way too short and out of character and too venty and i am weird about letting people i know read what i write (sorry @ all the people who keep asking me to let them read my writing.  it’s not that great you’re not missing out at all and i hate the Mortifying Ordeal of Being Known) and i abandon ideas literal minutes after getting them.

89. who would you put before everyone else?

what the fuck kind of question is this?????? i GUESS the answer should be me but uh i am not even putting myself before myself as i am procrastinating on a shitload of homework with this. i guess my “close” friends. they’re pretty chill. but generally ill do anything for anyone all you have to do is ask.

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized?

4, my own, my home landline, my dad’s cell, and my dad’s work.

[animmania]

ok so i wanted to talk about something ive been thinking about alot. sorta touchy subject but its been on my mind and ive come to a persnoal understanding of what i think of it and i wanted to just say it. take what you will from it

alright so OFENSIVE JOKES.. great fucking topic. alright so ive been thinking about ofensive and racist jokes mainly becuase what has been going on with pewdiepie. so i persnoaly think doing ofenisve jokes is kinda like doing russian roulette with half the barrel loaded. theres a chance the bullet dosnt go and your fine and everyone is happy but theres also the other chance it goes off and you have fucked your self over and people are sad for you and mad at you for even doing it.

maybe over the type example but its kinda true when you think about it. just one joke that goes ethier to far or just in poor taste can really break you. look at pewdiepie for example. for those that dont know he recntly made a joke that was ofensive and it made him lose alot of deals. his connections to disney were cut he lost his tv show. that one joke fucked him over . now he has made those kinda jokes before but this one really got him into deep shit becuase i think it was just the easiet to take out of context. now is pewds a bad person? no no he isnt. persnoaly i think hes a nice guy. dos alot for charity trys to interact with his fanbase with creative ways. i just wanted to show this as an example of why these kinda jokes can really fuck you over. now this isnt to say pewds inst the only one to not make these kinda jokes.pyrocincal or filhty for example have made ofensive jokes in the past and still do but they dont get anywhere near as much back lash as pewds got but why? i have two thoughts. first is pyro and filthy frank have been makin jokes like these since day one. since there first video you could kinda understand exactly what thier humor was  like and what thier content was going to be so and thier viewer base are made up from the very start of people that are ok with this kinda humor. pewds how ever has not. when he started he didnt make jokes like these and was pretty tame. the reason pewds has changed his style of humor alot is becuase i think he wanted to try something new. not just be a guy who screams at a camrea but actually try to make people laugh with jokes. and some of those jokes dont go so well becuase his viewr base inst made up of those people that are ok with it. alot of people dont like ofensive jokes and when they found pewdiepie they watched his vids becuase they thought he would never make those kinda jokes. and when he did its shocking to those viewrs. i understand that kinda thinking.just to give an example. the youtuber jontron. lets not talk about what hes been saying or whats been going on about him and just look at his content for a moment. now i really like jons old videos and i watched them alot. im sure there was the 1 or 2 jokes that were kinda pushing it but overall he content was something i think most people could watch and laugh it. now some of his newer videos im just not even sure about anymore. some of his more recnt jokes have been kinda dark and kinda uncomftbale. like when he showed himself hanging in the lion king video. that was kinda *aaaa why* now it wasnt as bad as i made it out to be. and honestly its not so bad watching it. however his current latest video dose have a joke in it that actually fuckin made me jump and i havent watched the rest since. his latest video is about a chirstmas movie. and in it he cuts to himself CUTTING himself. and its just omg. it was so unexpected and just comes out of no where that it honestly scared the shit out of me. im not good with blood but i never thought id really have to worry about that with him. that one joke was enough that i might not watch any more of his videos for a while. with filthy frank however im fine with it becuase i knew what i was sgining up for. i know what his humor is like what his videos are like and they havent changed all that much. if anything they have gotten funnier becuase he is at least himbracing what he is and what his humor is. and dosnt just shift gears in what kinda jokes he makes.

i know this post is all over the place but im just trying to get my point accross.

now for the second reason is what filthy frank dos or idubbz or pyrocincal dos. it works becuase they are taken to such an over the top exterme that it kinda loses its ofensives and becuase more of a pardoy then anything. and thats how it should be in my opioion . like the hair cake video filthy frank did. they make some cancer jokes in it but they take it to such like a wired extreame. shaving idubs head putting him in a wheel chair then him eating a cake made out of hair. im poorly explaning it but so much other shit is going on your not really focusing on the joke being offenisve your caught up in all the other shit thats gonig on. thats how i think ofensive jokes should be. take the ofensive jokes and kinda just push them to a point where it almost stops being an ofensive jokes and becomes more of a just a joke. like south park i think is the best at this. just taking shit and pushing shit so far that your laughing instead of being ofended. you cant just say shit like *i hate black people* thats just boring and dosnt even count as a joke its just you saying something ofensive just for the sake of trying to ofend people.

now those are my two points but i do want to say another thing. and its bascally what i think of these kinda jokes as a whole.

to me i think ofensive jokes are kinda like fart jokes. anyone can make them and they are just so easy. like. what pewds said in his video anyone could have said or come up with. it took no affort to just say that. and im not saying if you make those jokes your not funny? like again filthy frank and south park are ofensive and are still amazingly funny. but you have to be really skilled and smart with how you do it. not everyone can do these kinda jokes and have it work but even still. i find making ofensive jokes are easy becuase you already have the set up. you can just say something mean to a group of people and it will get some people to laugh. be it becuase its actually funny or becuase people that dont like those groups will find it funny and laugh at them though that joke.

what i think takes so much more effort and talent is making jokes that anyone can enjoy. not just a sorten group of people. some poeople might call me a pussy but i honestly find safe for work jokes way funnier i have way more respect for people that make jokes  like that becuase they have noting to start with. you cant just be like *hey lets just say this and that or make a joke about these kinda people* they have to start from scratch and just make jokes that are just pure funny. one of my fave comdiens ever is brain regan. the guy makes jokes that i think anyone could really enjoy and i swear to god he is the funnest guy ever. his jokes are amazing and i luagh my ass off at his stuff when ever i watch him hes so fukin funny and is just so qutoable. i highly recomend him if you havent listend or watched any of his stuff and shit like cartoon shows like adventure time or steven universe. those jokes in those shows are really funny and so much more intersting and props took way more time to wirte then alot of bigger adult shows simply becuase they cant just relay on a sorten joke. they have to try so alot more to be funny becuase they cant just make any kinda joke they want. they have to think about what jokes they can use and make those jokes so that not only kids can find them funny but so that anyone can find them funny.

and thats pretty much all my recent thoughts on this subject. sorry you had to see me ramble and sorry if it didnt make all that much sense? i just hope i got my point of view across with out seeming to mean.

[imanameture]

I think I am going to kill myself

This seems like the best place to leave it. nobody follows me here so nobody will try and stop me. It is friday, october 6th 2017 at 1:16 PM. and i think im going to kill myself.... hopefully today. hopefully before my roommate gets back. I might attempt to hide myself... just, go someplace else. 

im tired of trying to talk to people, therapy is only making it worse. i think i would just rather die

now before someone tells me that its a “permanent solution to a temporary problem” might i remind you that in death... I wont care. i’ll be dead, I cant be missing life or regret what i did. If i am already dead.  I’ve wanted to for years

people just always insist on stopping me why though

everyone says all these great things about me but how many of them truly know me

how many of them know my favorite color or why i liked photography

who knows what it is that makes me a BAD person

people always try to convince me i’m good. 

im not good

I like to look at both sides of the spectrum

I like picking the bad guy

because i see why they did it, 

i can easily side with your standard disney villans, like scar and gaston (sort of, he was an arrogant dick i know, but so were most men back then and frankly most continue to be) 

I can remain neutral on things like mass shootings

I dont stand for hate crimes. that i cant do, people suck, we are all temporary, mortal, but honestly the same, we can be boiled down to the same basics, human beings, coming from different places results in variations in appearance and beliefs, culture, food, anything really...

i believe there are no good guys, or bad guys. people make choices based off of where theyve been and what theyve been through. and while it might not be whats good for you, it could be whats good for them. I mean really. out of everyone in this world. you’re probably thinking about whats best for you before you think of whats best for anyone else.

Which brings me back to my point

I think im going to kill myself

this is the decision that is best for me. 

In 19 years, I have never enjoyed confrontation, it makes me anxious, it makes me angry, it makes me scared and confused. I dont like it. I can not stand it.

So i never tell people whats going on thats bothering me or hurting me or impacting me negatively

I never told my parents that their constant punishing me for my grades, made having friends and a social life hard, I couldnt go to birthday parties or movies or the mall, because i struggled to get good grades. I couldnt do school, So i couldnt have many friends, that was fair, thats a productive punishment.

I never tell my boyfriend when his constant insecurity and bellyaching about things bothers me, Because i love him, I want to help him, i do, but i want him to remember that because we’re doing life together. it doesnt mean every aspect of our lives need to involve each other, I made plans with friends,you should too. I love him. and thats what makes doing this so hard, the one heart i cant bring myself to break is his. he only wanted to love and support me this whole time, he just wants to give me the life i dream of. he wants to give me the world. and i know he’s trying. and im so grateful that i got to spend these last four years with him. but i dont think i can do life any longer. I dont have the fighting spirit he fell in love with anymore. its not your fault, you did everything right. i just cant do it anymore. You are so deserving of love babe, you have so much to give, even if you cant see it. you do. thats what makes you a good friend, a good listener. an amazing boyfriend and an even better fiancé. Im sorry for taking me away from you, but someone who can love you better. who can make you happier will come around, she will give you the life you deserve. 

I wish my friends could help. but they tend to make it worse on me. I know i dont talk much, but please stop saying im secretive( that goes for you too family) Im not secretive. i just dont know how to address people about my problems. and when i bring it up, and you comment on how im finally talking. it makes me regret it instantly. I know i dont talk. I KNOW. but i dont need to be reminded of it, especially when im upset,

 Thanks uncle dad.we’re very similar, you told me that at least. But the days where i’d be upset and you’d just sit there with me while i laid in bed, quietly crying to myself. not saying much. just, existing there... it helped.

Since school started, i’ve been holding out, i havent done it yet, because my roommate was not ok after losing a friend earlier this year. and it sucked to watch her be like that. but i dont want to make myself suffer anymore, i’ve suffered in silence for so long, its unfair to me to have to stick around when i’ve already been so sad for at least 11 years. i dont want a lifetime of it

theres no guarantee that it’ll be a lifetime.

but honestly. theres also no guarantee that it wont. 

my friends have been going through their own things. i worry about them, and i love them, but honestly. once i reached the point where i no longer valued my life, i stopped valuing most lives. human lives.

 I still care about animals. they’re cute and bring me calm. I would love to have my cat here, or be able to adopt a kitten or a puppy, they’re sweet and small. theyre warm and i could hug them when i’m down, but my mother says no. so i dont even bother bringing it up to a therapist. 

I wish my friends werent going through what they are, none of them deserve it. the hardships and pain of life. of growing up. of learning to adult.  I hope they live long happy fulfilling lives. They deserve it, they deserve the best.

Ive hated my life

the more i think back on it the less i feel like it matters

my life that is

look. you want to know something insane, that i still dont understand

how could someone so ugly, be molested so many times

like

wow.

kindergarden

7th grade

and one time at summer camp

i guess thats not a lot. 

but i think one time is too many,

genuinely. 

MY BODY

has been taken advantage of

by so many people, they decided, not me, that i was theirs to touch, and stroke, and grope...

i guess thats why i cant stand physical contact with strangers... or anyone who  i haven’t explicitly told they are trusted.

i’ve been writing for an hour.

WOW

this really feels like a suicide note. 

Ive been saying goodbye for an hour

My therapist said to contact him if the feeling to kill myself ever came. 

not happening

I’m not telling anyone... not even my boyfriend,

i cant tell anyone, they’ll just try and stop me.

I could point fingers and blame, but i wont.

My parents were wonderful. They made mistakes, but no parent doesnt,  life comes with no handbook, and when you have to maintain your own and build something sturdy for your children, so they can live a good life. it can not be easy. I think you guys did amazing. and i love you. even though you can drive me absolutely mad, I love you guys. my parents are my first love. theyre amazing.

My sister is my favorite person, we always had a good relationship. shes my sister, she taught me everything i know about life, She does everything in her power to help me. to fix things for me. to make me laugh and smile. Most recently her daily spoop messages. she’s the reason i maintained an interest in anything, She sends me memes, and links, and music. she shows me plays and movies. she has the best cat, both of my sisters cats have been my favorite, when we got shadow i was 6, and scared of her, I wanted a dog not a cat, but we got a cat. and after a while i warmed up to her, shadow was gentle and sweet and beautiful. she would come to drink your milk after you had cereal, and she would lay on my foot when i pet her to keep me from going away. and laf is the cutest most noodly cat i have ever met, he’s thin and floppy like cooked spaghetti. and i love him.

I wish, i could put into words. why i cared for the people i did so much, why i did everything in my power to make them happy, 

but i cant

and if you’re reading this i’m sorry.

I cant keep making up excuses to live another day.

i have shit grades, i have a shit attention span, I barely have job and i know i’m not good at it. 

i’m not good at anything, I’m not creative, i cant draw, my photography is sub par, I suck at making new friends and honestly i feel like nobody really wants to get to know me. 

I dont believe suicide is the answer

i never have

but I dont think i have any other way.

I had dreams of getting married, and starting a family. I had dreams of studying abroad with my friends. I wanted to move to california. I wanted to see every disney. I wanted to travel the world with my best friend. I wanted to freelance.

I dont want much anymore

shit. i dont even want to eat most of the time

i dont even want to finish this post.

it is now 2:36 PM

Im wary... i am unsure if i can. 

but i think i will

I THINK IM GOING TO KILL MYSELF