#im weight restored for real this time and im not very worried about gaining more

[caffeinatedopossum]

Anyway just an update, I kept going and the ed recovery is actually recovery-ing now 👍

[hannahvsana]

Some thoughts

It's like 11pm and I'm hella tired but I've been trying to think of reasons why this is happening and just observing my thoughts towards everything. -I'm really stressed with school, I'm failing biology badly, and when I'm stressed it opens the door for a multitude of bad thoughts. -I feel pathetic and frustrated that my victories are becoming smaller and smaller. Which is discouraging and makes me wonder what's the point in trying. It also becomes a cycle because the feelings of weakness get worse with each meal and each anxiety-inducing situation, which spirals until a snap every week or so. -I think I starting going downhill around November time; I restricted for the first time in a long time (I can't remember the trigger), which carried on till my sugars dropped really low and my mum was thinking about calling an ambulance. -The habits crept in slowly, and I thought it could handle it (in a fighting way at some points, but looking back I think it was in a quasi way, maintaining habits thinking that I'm in control). By the time I realised what was happening, it was too much to handle, exacerbating the situation. -The more the habits creep in, the harder it is to try and keep it all under control, which mixed with school, is very stressful. Then the more drained I am, the weaker my fighting gets. And the weaker it gets, the stronger the voice and the urges. The actual 'me' knows that the voice isn't real, but it's so convincing and tempting to let the habits carry on; I hate to say it but I feel so much more secure with it. Then even typing this, I realise how fucked up that is, again increasing the frustration. -Which leads me to think, am I even trying at all anymore? I'm eating when I really want to stop so I must be, and even typing this I'm being yelled at to stop, to keep quiet and let it be. But I feel like I subconsciously let myself slip because I feel safer like this. -I've lost a lot over the last month, I don't post numbers, but now I'm scared to gain again. I hate my body now so what will it be like when I'm WR again. -Last year I was weight restored, I've done it once, so again it's frustrating that I can't handle doing what i used to be able to. Im also frustrated that 2years into recovery im now being threatened with IP, i feel like I've let my therapist down, and my family and friends. -If i was to go IP, which hopefully won't be the case, they'll all be smaller than me. It's not that I'm too thin, it's the fact I've nosedived in recovery so fast that is worrying my therapist (and me). So I don't think I'd be able to handle that very well. -My therapist is trusting me this week to stick to my meal plan before my weigh in in the 10th. But I feel like I can't trust myself; my willpower is so low now that I don't think I can stick to my plan without breaking down or cheating on it. I know it's technically my choice to cheat or not, which makes me hate myself for it even more, but I'm feeling so drained at the moment that I'm not thinking clearly. -I feel like my ed habits and perfectionism are manifesting themselves in my everyday life. Yesterday in my art lesson my tutor sat down and told me that my work production is decreasing because I'm become fixated on making my pages look perfect. I never noticed it before she told me to stop obsessing (she was kind about it) but it makes me panic that my personality is changing again. Thinking about it this has been happening quite a lot. If my room is messing, it instantly drops my mood, and I plan my weekends in lists so that it's structured otherwise I feel useless by the end of the day. Ive always been a perfectionist, but taking a step back and looking at the situation, I get so stressed about small things I didn't use to. -I'm feeling really out of it, like I'm sort of floating through the day. I half-napped through 2 lessons today and I didn't talk to many people. I was meant to meet my mum's new boyfriend earlier, which I kinda did, but I couldn't stay downstairs and I'm scared that he thinks I'm really rude. Likewise, I'm scared that my mum has told his everything. I love her, but she almost uses my personal life as a conversation starter or a sob story. She got in touch with an old friend recently and said friend keeps telling me she's always there to talk. Meaning that my mum has told her. -I basically feel rather useless. Although I was so much worse physically at the start of my recovery, I felt like I could fight and get better. Now, I feel like I can't and I'm genuinely scared of losing control. I feel like I'm (and I hate to use the phrase because it's really hypocritical) not sick enough for all this worry. Many of my healthy friends are smaller than me anyway, and it's my fault for letting my recovery slack to a point where I'm struggling to regain control over it. At the same time i know it's mentally bad and i low-key need help. Idk anymore, it's almost midnight now so my mind is rambling. I think it's good though sometimes to allow my thoughts to jump around and write them down as they come. Sorry that was long, incoherent and probably contradicting. I wrote literally what I thought of next, like I was rambling but non verbally. I feel a bit better sectioning my thoughts and not have them floating around incoherently