#idk i just feel like ive gained so much more than weight. so many things that make it worth it

[caffeinatedopossum]

Anyway just an update, I kept going and the ed recovery is actually recovery-ing now 👍

[lilithpleasant]

some sims questions!!!!

tagged by @pooklet ty!!

What’s your favorite Sims death?

oh gosh, okay, tbh, in general idk if i have a favorite, i do like a classic death by old age just because it makes me feel accomplished, lol, but specifically i think it'd have to be the time forrest bonnet died of cardiac explosion the literal second i hit play once i finished building his house 😂

Alpha CC/Semi-realism or Maxis Match?

idk why but i am definitely more maxis match for ts4 and semi-realistic for ts2? it just feels RIGHT to me

Do you cheat your sims weight?

only for my story sims, in the spirit of keeping things semi-consistent between chapters, because i swear sim stede gains weight faster than any sim i've ever played, and sim ed often ends up TOO BUFF from all of his energized swimming 😂 other than that, i do not, i just let them do their own thing. i dont really use too many custom body shapes for ts2, but definitely coming back to it after playing with the diversity in ts4 has been a bit jarring, but also custom body shapes are a lot of work so. idk what the solution is!

Do you move objects?

is this a real question?

Favorite Mod?

HMMMMMMMMMM! i'd say ACR, the shiftable everything mod, and for ts4 of course ye olde wickedwhims 🤭

First Expansion/Game Pack/Stuff Pack?

idk whatever the first sims 1 ep was??? i think? my friend had it and we played it at her house in 4th grade (well, she played, i watched because she wouldnt let me actually play it, lol) and then my parents bought it for me that easter and ive been hooked ever since 😂

Do you pronounce live mode like aLIVE or LIVing?

living!!!!!!!!!! absolutely mindfuck to realize that some ppl DONT pronounce it that way 😂

Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

ed and stede in ts4, altho i didn't TECHNICALLY make their bases, but i have done sooooo much to them and i am so attached they are like my children

prob val in ts2, lol, i am big on fandom sims i guess!!!!

Have you made a simself?

yeah!!!!! in ts2 and 4!

Which is your favorite EA hair color?

uhhhhh, like, for ts4? probably a pink, ofc, lol. natural colors??? idk no preference!

Favorite EA hair?

this is so specific idk i mostly use custom hairs tbh

Favorite life stage?

young adult/adult in ts4 and adult in ts2 for sure

Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

oh both! i love gameplay but i also have to have it very aesthetically pleasing, if it's not fun for me to look at im not interested

Are you a CC creator?

yeeeeeee @ailuromancys

Do you have any Simblr friends or a Sim Squad?

@angelapleasant @dirk-dreamer @simper-fi are all sim friends who i have formed lasting irl friendships with 🥰 altho i am soooo bad at keeping in touch with ppl anymore and i feel so bad abt that, they are still my favorites

@pooklet is top tier as well!!! 😊

@emperorofthedark i know it's been ages but you also!!!!!!!

Do you have any sims merch?

...no?

Do you have a YouTube for sims?

oh my god, no. the way i alternate between normal speed and triple speed should be outlawed, i cannot imagine it would be any fun to watch AT ALL

How has your “Sims style” changed throughout your years of playing?

i think mostly i've gotten better at taking and editing pics? gos was pretty much my introduction to sims cc (with the exception of some sailor moon skins/heads i had for ts1 that my dad had to help me install 😂) so that had a HUGE influence on my style that i never really strayed from. i think i toned it down a bit in ts4, but at my core, i am still very neon/grunge oriented

Who’s your favorite CC creator?

@pooklet @skulldilocks currantpotpie @angelapleasant @dirk-dreamer @leaf-storm @simmer-until-tender do you see a theme here?

How long have you had Simblr?

2010 i think! holy shit.

How do you edit your pictures?

for tumblr i crop them to 800x500, use the honeycomb psd (with a vibrance layer added) and then use pooklet's sharpening action

What expansion/gamepack is your favorite?

HMMMMMMM. this is a tough one. possibly seasons for ts2? ts4 i cannot even say, because there are so fucking many lmfao it's disgusting 😂

taggin whoever wants to do this!!!!

[krunchylegs]

more yap 💔

i think i want to do a fast on the weekend, a 48hour fast spanning over the weekend, if my dad cooks then ill have to do OMAD to avoid being suspicious (cant not eat bc theres already an underweight person in the household 😓) she doesnt have an ed, maybe ed behaviors but not in the way thats intentional, i think its more of a sensory thing or something like that.

im not sure bc she doesnt talk abt it but she wants to gain weight and muscle and go to the gym last time i checked, so idk why she aint tryna get her protein in. she just forgets to eat..

but anyways after the fast ill do omad with tomato soup for 2 days lol and then ill go back to eating 800 cals (limit not goal) bc i tried 700 limit and i think that was too low for me bc it made me obsess over food more. im still leaning into it, tbh im lucky tho bc when i first started tracking calories i usually hit 1500, but its still hard lowering calorific intake 😓esp when ur used to just eating when ur hungry, now its hard to not eat when im not even hungry??? like that doesnt make sense, and then i feel full and gross but its not even like a binge type of thing, and honestly ive misused the word binge a few times on my blog which im tryna stop doing bc i feel like its not an honest depiction of whats going on, anyways why does protein powder lowkey have so many calories like wdym 30g is 117cals, like what the fuck am i supposed to add that to, and then its like fat free greek yogurt! but if i dont add peanut butter it taste so sad, but then its like way more cals than i thought it would be + the volume isnt even that much..

at least i get to make my own lunch and breakfast, idk if i should start skipping breakfast again but after eating an apple for breakfast for a few days, u get used to having that extra bit of energy, honestly i think thats why i keep eating actually, i keep trying to keep my blood sugar up or something, istg why cant my body be smart and energize itself from the literal stored energy?? like ermmm thats what its there for??

anyways my food for tomorrow

breakfast+lunch(bc im not bothered to separate the cals i calculated for my lunchbox that also holds my breakfast) - 555 (oh em gee angale numbar 🥰)

falafel things - 220 i think

and if i eat outside of this itll be my dads chicken stew that he made, which was actually nice, it tasted healthy? it had vegetables in it, which like why dont i eat vegetables that often? i should buy frozen broccoli, i actually love broccoli sm its so underrated. not sure how to estimate it but if i eat any itll be a small portion, i dont think itll be too high cal, since the ingredients were pretty clean looking and its only stew, most of it is vegetables

anyways goodnight im so tired

[livebloggingmydescentintomadness]

oh congrats! can you give some tips on building muscle when you dont actually have any weights? also how long does it take and do you need to eat so much protein? anything really. ive been wanting to build muscles on my legs though but i dont know how to start. i havent bc i feel my diet isnt too protein filled and idk how to go about it esp when i live at home and have to eat what they do so i feel trying to gain muscle would be too hard if i didnt have a set diet/protein plan

thanks! i'm really flattered to be asked for advice, but i'm afraid that the most salient advice i possess for gaining muscle is "be me", because it seems to be mostly through some kind of physiological quirk that allows me to gain absurd amounts of muscle absurdly quickly, with absurdly little effort.

i actually didn't realize HOW absurd my body is until i googled yesterday, because supposedly most people can only gain ~2lbs of muscle per month, or at most 5lbs with strict training, and here i was able to gain ~30lbs of muscle in just two months. and to be clear, i didn't follow any special regimen - my primary goals were to sleep better and increase my overall health, not to get ripped.

(i don't know what this physiological quirk is, but it's nothing new, i've just been more consistent with lifting recently. my mom still raves about how i picked up and carried around an enormous boom box when i was 16 months old, and how when i was 5 i got mad and pushed a chest of drawers taller than i was in front of my bedroom door. i'm absurdly muscle-bound even when completely sedentary. my old massage therapist, a former body builder/personal trainer, used to do a few resistance exercises with me to warm up my back, and he was always astonished by how strong i was. basically, my body dumped all its stats into muscle mass, to the detriment of literally everything else.)

anyway, with all the prefaced, i can give at least a few tips if you still want them, because yes, you can definitely do a lot without weights. there are plenty of effective bodyweight exercises, and if you're able to spend a little money, resistance bands are a great alternative to weights.

okay, so a few things: if you want lean, toned muscles, you do more reps with less weight, and if you want big bulky muscles, you do fewer reps with more weight. in terms of bodyweight exercises, like squats, this could mean just holding something heavy (like a jug of water or a backpack) while you do them.

next, proper form is absolutely crucial. especially if you're using any kind of weight, you need to research the proper form of any exercise you're going to do and then hold yourself correctly, as incorrect posture could negate the results you're looking for or even cause injuries. always be really careful with your neck and your back.

if you're using weights or resistance bands, do NOT rely on momentum to do your reps. you know how you see guys swinging their weights up when they're doing bicep curls? that might look impressive and get you more reps, but impressive and more isn't as useful as effective. the most effective way to build biceps, for example, is with isolated bicep curls (if you don't have a bench, sit and plant your elbow/tricep against your inner thigh), which will kick your entire ass if you're used to using momentum. move slowly, deliberately, focusing on the movement rather than how much you're lifting or how many reps you're doing.

also, don't underestimate the results of doing just a little, or starting with the bare minimum. one rep is better than zero reps. if you don't have the energy to push yourself, or if you hate winding up super sore, literally just do a couple, just get your muscles used to being used.

for building up your legs, i would suggest calf raises, squats, pliés, lunges, romanian dead lifts, glute bridges, or any variations of those that you feel comfortable doing. personally, i hate lunges so i just don't do them. if you hate doing a particular exercise, you're not going to do it, so find something else that you don't hate so much instead of trying to force yourself to do something you hate.

some other good bodyweight exercises are pushups (i do them against my bathroom countertop, and you can start just doing them against a wall if need be), crunches, reverse crunches, supermans, wall sits, chair dips, and doorframe rows. (and then there's dynamic exercises like jumping jacks and burpees, but i will not do jumping jacks for love or money, so fuck that.)

also don't overlook the benefits of yoga, if you have enough space and a mat or towel to use. look up strength building yoga routines and they will definitely kick your ass. a ballet leg workout would also do the trick.

on the nutrition side of things, i’m still working on figuring that out. i’m sure i’m not getting enough protein for the amount of muscle i have, but protein is a somewhat tricky thing, as it’s not all created equal. plant protein isn’t bad, but the issue with plant protein is that very few sources contain equal levels of amino acids, and you’re only going to absorb as much protein as the least amino acid in that source. so if the package says that it contains 20g of protein, that might be technically true, but if one of the amino acids in it is only 5g, then you’re only going to absorb 5g. (does that make sense? i’m not sure i’m explaining it clearly.)

the point is, if you want to get your protein through plant sources, you need a variety of foods, and you need to combine them. for example, you’ll get more complete protein by eating a combination of whole grains and legumes (like beans with brown rice, barley with lentils) than you’d get from legumes alone. good plant protein means eating whole grains, legumes, nuts, seeds, etc, not just eating protein bars made with soy protein isolate. that can definitely be difficult to do when you’re not the one doing the grocery shopping, or if you don’t have time to cook, or the money to buy healthy food.

animal proteins are more straightforward, but while i’m not at all vegan, i also just can’t do those low carb diets and eat meat all the time. it’s expensive, it’s time-consuming, and honestly i find it kind of gross. i try to use meat, dairy, and eggs in conjunction with plant proteins, rather than one or the other. plus, you can only absorb so much protein at once, so it’s better to try and get your sources consistently throughout the day rather than eating a big pile of chicken for dinner.

but all that said, you definitely shouldn’t be trying to exclude carbs and fat from your diet. your body is meant to run on carbs, fat, AND protein to function, and while making adjustments like less sugar and more protein might be helpful, you should never try to cut one category out altogether. personally, i think it’s better to just eat foods rather than try to cram myself full of isolated proteins.

anyway, i know that’s a whole lot of shit, and it’s kind of infuriating that i can put on muscle just from sneezing. but i also don’t think you have to dedicate all your time to gains in order to get some results, and doing a little is infinitely better than doing nothing. don’t freeze up because you can’t do everything all at once.

trying doing just one or two little things, and go from there. take care!

[hauntedzone]

mad enough to rant about this btw so uhh discussion of diet weight & fat phobia under the cut

if youre old enough to be buying food for yourself there should be no reason to feel guilty about what you choose to eat (from a general "im eating like a sandwich" standpoint, the ethics of companies is a whole other thing i dont feel qualified to make a rant post about). if a diet is telling you theres something you can never have ever, and its not bc a doctor is telling you it will harm you, its lying. no sweet or fast food or high fat food or blablabla will stop you from reaching a fitness goal, and if you dont have a fitness goal? food wont stop you from reaching a life goal either. its so.. gross that this industry will make people scared to eat like cookies or a bag of chips or a slice of fucking BREAD to put your lunchmeat with

disclaimer im not fat i dont currently face any stigma for my weight etc. ive also not faced weight related health issues when i was heavier. but like you cant deny the fear of being fat and fear of weight gain is a huge factor of why this shit happens. and its just a huge like, fantasy/nightmare theyre entrenched in where bread is your enemy and weight gain is the worst thing that can ever happen to you, and its all lies on so many levels. i could get into how you dont gain weight from eating ice cream once or whatever but ill just say as someone whos been several different weights that it really doesnt change who you are as a person. i love to draw, i love cats, my friends consider me funny, im a bit shy and prone to depression, i try to be nice. maybe i fit in clothes differently and my face and features were rounder, but the people who cared about that werent the people i liked much anyway. what im trying to say is gaining weight doesnt make you unrecognizable and its sick that people will try to convince us that its anything more than a neutral change in weight that usually reflects a change in life (aka something mroe substantial than eating non keto bread), and its heartbreaking that we then attach these extremely fake connotations to fat people. who again if they were skinny would not be fundamentally different at all. idk it grinds my gears. fuck keto bread

(will say that i do think navigating life while fat in this world does change you, as does all social stigma, so im not claiming that skinny people are the exact same as fat people or anything like that. i doubt anyone is combing thru my posts in bad faith but i want to be careful.)

[sword-of-summer]

All of them answer every question fuck you

ahahaha no i respectfully deny your "fuck you" and i accept the ask and so-

i am 5'10", and i don't wish to be taller or shorter- i am the perfect height for hugs and messy hair, and yep, i like it here-

dream pet would be a mix of golden retriver and a husky called Holly and a chonky cat called Loki- yes ofcourse my future kids have names everyone should name their future pets-

ripped jeans/black pants with a Darth Vader tshirt or a Ethnic Fusion Kurta with black sneakers/artificial leather slip-ons, and if it's cold, a black jacket open obviously- and a black wristwatch i love my black wristwatch.

favourite video game was Clash of Clans and going even back, GTA Vice City and, the og- MARIIOOOO

three things/people are Oreos, Nutella and Pizza. The Holy Trinity-

"Beware me my fingers are smeared with chicken popcorn grease"

you didn't mention an opinion, @chunkybirb, so imma give my opinion on Vanilla ice cream and Nutella- ANYONE WHO HADN'T COMBINED THESE TWO COMBINE THESE TWO THEY ARE FUCKING AWESOME

im either phlegmatic or melancholic bruh idk maybe ik or maybe not

im v v v v ticklish

not an allergy, but an intense hatred for ketchup- i vomit if it gets too close to me fuck you ketchup

im heterosexual

any between tea and coffee but full milk coffee (ik, kill me), never had cocoa- but i love a chocolate or nutella milkshake

both. both is good. (cat and dog)

i would be an elf cause hell yeah, knowledge and wisdom

favourite youtuber is Samay Raina, a stand up comedian turned youtuber who is just awesome-

as i mentioned in 1., i am 5'10"

i would not change my name cause it's the coolest fucking name ever, i am Tanay, and Tanay in Hindi means Son, and my parents literally named their son Son, and hell yeah i like it

i forgot how much i weigh- last i checked it was 75 kilos, but ive gained weight since 2019 so yep, gotta walk in the mornings

yes i believe in metaphysicality cause one- it seems cool- second- me and @theclassyghost discussed a metaphysical life theory that i really really like and metaphysicality gives preservation of knowledge so i believe in spirits

SPACE. SPACE. SPACE.

im not that religious, no

pet peeves no well nah not really

nocturnal def nocturnal i sleep at 4.50 anyway hehehehe

fav constellation is Cassiopeia

fav star is Sirius tho

what the fuck are ball jointed dolls

i do have a fear of losing people that's just anxiety i guess

yep, global warming is real

never thought that much about reincarnation tbh but maybe, i do

fav movie is Spider Man : Into The SpiderVerse and Inception and The Dark Knight Rises and Revenge of The Sith and yes, for my indian gang, 3 Idiots and Gully Boy

yep i get scared v v v easily

i have had no pets but i plan to once i grow up

@chunkybirb 's blog is fucking cool awesome and *chef's kiss* a masterpiece

blue calms me. i love blue.

live in Norway cause pretty lights, snow, and less people than this overpopulated country i am in

born in Mumbai, India

v v v dark brown like it's almost black but no it's dark brown

introvert

horoscopes and zodiacs, i do read them, never believed that much tbh-

HUGS I LOVE HUGS

i really wanna visit my brother i haven't met him in a long time i really wanna play cricket w him just like old times

my sister- she's annoying but well i care for her

nah

tattoos idk bruh im okay idk may get one or may not get one

nope, smoking is ewwww *vomits*

ah my crush- she's cool [ if she exists

when the chalk doesn't write on the board but goes iiiiiieeee I HATE THAT

a sound i love is rain pitter pattering i just hhhhhh sends me into happiness

nope fatass here

nope fatass here

favourite actors have to be eddie redmayne, oscar issac and pedro pascal- and margot robbie and winona ryder in the actresses section also yes, elliot page

bruh already answered in 30.

im okayish!! spotify and tumblr, cool combo-

my hair are okay being black for me

yesterday, monday, from 6.40 to 6.50

music

uhhh naah not that i know of

well in Rick Riordan's Magnus Chase books, the sword of Frey aka Sumarbrander TALKS and demands to be called Jack, so here i am

bakwaas, music and comfy

yep, i believe in evolution

unfollow on hate and when they dm me sending nsfw pics ugh why are people like that

follow, well, i like people and they seem cool, so i follow them

fav kind of person is the one who'll sit with me for hours not even talking and just vibing to music

fav animals are beavers, doggos and cats

three fav blogs are @chunkybirb, @theclassyghost, @little-boats-on-a-lake, @aredhel-of-gondolin, @sue-me-imbadass, @alleenkaas, @my-ackerman, @brrrrrrrrrrzone

fav emoticon has to be ☹ this me seeing my stupidity outrank others

fav meme has to be Butternut is a master of psychological manipulation

INTP

Libraaa let's go

no dog, i have

black darth vader tshirt, black pants, black sneakers and black wrist watch

i have no selfies my phone has no cameras i live in eternal darkness

what the fuck are platform shoes

i, uhhh, i remember weird things like what i drew in class in 3rd while i was supposed to be doing english

lazy ass here, no front flips possible

i like birds they fly

nope i don't Iike swimming i like blankets

wrapped up in blankets reading books sounds better than both

ketchup

hyperspace travel

nope none

reading writing eating sleeping

my friend

tumblr seems cool

i have around 60-70 idk

yes i can run but why

yes they do but what's the fun in that

nope I'd fall over

sapphire let's go

koala bear or panda

sunflower or the one on a lemon tree

ketchup store

one cup of coffee is enough, tysm

read minds that sounds cool cool yeaaahh

nope never wore it a black clothes guy here BatMan

winter winter all year long

i don't know and i don't wanna try

i don't know and i don't wanna know

everyone cause they are better than me

bookstores cause bookstores any bookstores

sneakers, black onez

apparently some gas bitches mixed up to form a planet

non vegetarian but i partake meat just twice or thrice in two weeks

i don't know they don't seem like liking

naaaaaaaah

bugs ew

spiders ew

about the fact that i come off as arrogant and overconfident while in reality it's just that my communication skills suck

i can draw averagely whenever im in a mood

this thing im answering but i like answering it

uhhhhhhh brain freeze- idk bruh questions are good they give knowledge

yep, while sleeping

ahh yes calming, they are

cloudy days cause fucking cool vibes

hehehe wouldn't you like to know, weatherboy

CumuloNimbus i really like it's name yknow nimBUS

dark blue, dark blue always or black

naaaah no freckles

fav thing is when they laugh and it's just happy and we're both laughing like shitheads but who cares we're rebelling against depressing life and we laugh

both. both is good [ fruits and vegetables

sleep but i have to answer 170 questions cause @chunkybirb

sky sky sky it's my blog's header duh uh sKy

sweet and sour candy. SWEET AND SOUR CANDY.

dim lights it makes me feel cool

ahhh so here we go- Mooncalfs, Thunderbirds, Phoenixes, Sphinxes, Dragons that seem to be Space Nebulae, and more and more and more

i really feel like a boomer sometimes

i love everything about this site/app it makes me feel happy cause i like the people and the posts

uhhhhh i think too much about everything cause i just do. i like thinking

"He's dead, guys. For the sake of The Force, please watch Star Wars now he wanted to discuss it with you" actually no i would just say "A big shoutout to Garlic Bread he loved Garlic Bread"

myself cause i should be sleeping but sleep is for the weak and i am the weak and the strong i am a paradox-

that i obsess too much on things and try involving people it never works out

nope. had braces for 4 years, that beat out teeth showing smiles

i prefer computer-tv ahahahahaha

never tried them, so IDK

naaaaah not motion sickness- never travelled by sea so idk seasickness

lobed ears

yep i believe that deeds do count in life and beyond

idk bruh i don't believe in physical attraction too much- bodies are fake- mentally/metaphysically tho, im a 7

ahhhhh many many Stupid Genius, Tani, Tanu, Tanya

i still do-

i really want to talk to a therapist. converse. and discover.

im both, i am both.

10:1 is the ratio- giving 10, receiving 1

uhhh nothing just when i am right and people use the old "disrespect" argument

3, Hindi, Marathi, English

girls

uhh no i am not

my hair i love them everyone says things about my hair but i love them

knowledge vibes i give, someone tells me- and that's all i ever wanted

anyone i know tbh, my mutuals, my friends, my discord friends

ahhh no i wouldn't but i wish i was born 20 years earlier

bleh bloo, neither like nor dislike

i don't know if i have one

i don't know, haven't had physical contact in a long long long time in a galaxy far far away

the above point stands but i would like to ig

anything i write, 3 hours later, i instantly hate just idk why

anything i write

that i am normal no i am not and i am not okay hahahahaha

65-70 ish people

somewhere around-

many many many don't ask please but okay if you do ask

somewhat

uhhhhh idr exactly but i won't tell in public duh uh

mediummm hairrrr

last year lockdown i became harry potter

i don't know buddy i seriously don't know

yep i do cause knowledge i like knowledge

naaah never tried

no i definitely cannot stand on my hands or my head for more than 30 seconds

yep, im pretty sure i answered most of them correctly-

og link-

[mollydollyjournals]

I'm really sleepy but I need to stay awake a bit more and at least wait for the post to get here...it'll be some of my skincare stuff. And my Olaplex arrived earlier with a different courier so I can sort my hair out too. I need to make the bathroom nice. I think if I'm still really tired when I get up I'll try to just start cleaning anyway. I've had today to do nothing so I'm well rested and all, but another day of rest shouldn't be necessary so I'd just be being lazy. Hopefully I won't feel really sick or something that will mean I actually do need a rest.

I was 155 when I got up - I was also 155 later in the day so I wanted to keep it as low as possible but I just checked and I'm 156 now. I don't really know if my overnight 2lb thing is currently functioning. If it is then that's good, I'll be 154 when I get up and that's at least something. Especially if I'm planning on doing another few hours of cleaning. But sometimes it doesn't happen. I'll be annoyed if I'm still around 155.

Although I guess I should be grateful...I was restricting and all and trying to lose and nothing was happening, but then I had some really bad days and yesterday I even had a lot of a particular junk food so...idk what to think about that. Are my scales even accurate?? They seem to be. Maybe I'll do a dumbbell test tomorrow to make sure. But they're still so new and the reviews were good and I don't think anything has been left on them, so I don't know why they would suddenly become inaccurate. It's just why did I not lose anything when I was restricting and then I eat some junk food and do a couple of hours of cleaning and suddenly it starts to go down...?

Having said that, I definitely prefer that to the alternative, which is that my weight won't actually go down after all. Either way, this is why I'm always so eager to work out, in theory. Exercise somehow seems to affect my weight a lot more than what I eat. But it's also the much more difficult of the two for me. Not that restriction is easy, but if I'm feeling sick I might not be able to actually do something physical, so all I can do then is try not to eat.

But even looking back over years, I always lost the most weight when I was doing a lot of physical stuff. I just haven't been able to do much in so long. And it's even more difficult when you're limiting your intake. Sometimes I wonder if I should raise my intake enough to work out more, but I'm always scared it'll just make me gain. Or that I'll eat a lot and then not work out. I guess I might as well try it if I'm not seeing progress from restricting, but it still just feels weird. Idk.

I was meant to have 2 lax sachets today but I had 3 because I wasn't paying attention when I added the water and added too much, so I just added a 3rd sachet. So I'll go back to 2 tomorrow. Did I have 2 yesterday...? I suppose I will have written it on here somewhere. I need to do a couple of days on 2 and then try to go down to 1... I know I said that but I don't remember if I'd already started on 2 or not.

Anyway. It'll be nice if my body can get a normal rhythm back. Instead of this. It's been more than a month now of this mess and I'll be glad to see the end of it. I feel so gross. I get a lot of gas too. It makes me just...hate myself even more I guess. Ive never been comfortable with bodily functions. Including eating, so another factor of my ED stuff. I'd also like to get a more accurate idea of my weight and measurements and all. Alcohol, hangovers and withdrawal affected it a lot and I managed to stop that. But now my digestive system is fucked. Or was. I hope it's not still bad.

So tomorrow...more cleaning, laundry, 2 lax sachets, stay hydrated, try out some new skincare things, probably not do my hair because I'll be really tired, but I have the stuff so I can do it another time. If I can remember where I put my coconut oil. Food wise...apples. It's a good thing I started eating apples again recently because everywhere is suddenly out of raspberries and has been for a while (is it Brexit? Is it Covid? Who knows). I usually have some berries for breakfast and it satisfies any sweet tooth and gives vitamins but without too many calories. So I need some other fruit - granny smith apples will be my thing for now. I also have cereal that's easy to split into 100kcal portions, and some savoury stuff that's fairly low cal. And one ready meal that's quite filling and satisfying when I want a large volume of food, but has way less calories than most do. So I can either have that be most of my calories for the day, or split it into two portions, or do I want to take that risk of upping my intake on the grounds that I'll be doing more cleaning...? I guess I'll figure it out as I go.

If I could lose weight and eat a high intake (well, not really high, just more normal) that would be perfect. There are times when I don't like eating or just can't, but for the most part, I do want to be able to enjoy food. I just don't think I can. Not unless I somehow manage to do 2hrs of exercise or housework every day. And I don't think I can do that either. Maybe I try to exercise/clean as often as I can and on those days I raise my intake? That seems like it'd make the most sense. Idk.

I'm so tired. I want to go to sleep. Normally the post would have been delivered by now but they're always later on rainy days like today. Just need to take that delivery then I can go to sleep and I have loads of stuff to keep me occupied when I get up...

[lobstergirls]

detrans diary month 2

(there is no part one to this because mistakes were made)

it’s been roughly two months since my last shot (july 28) and my shots were on a weekly basis until that point. here’s some of the changes i’ve experienced. grain of salt here: i’ve also been losing weight steadily since june and am down from 190ish to 150. i have also been getting like zero sleep lately because of school :/

skin: my skin has gotten crazy good. i don’t have memory enough to know whether it was this good pre t but i feel like the answer is no. that’s crazy when you also consider that ive been eating total garbage and barely sleeping for the past month

head hair: not sure on this. it’s getting longer naturally, but i don’t really know if anything is changing. i think it’s a bit less oily and might actually be getting lighter in color? it’s also pretty soft. i don’t think my receding hairline is improving at all but time will tell

body hair: i think my body hair is starting to slow down a little but not by much at all. all of the hair on my stomach and chest is solid black and has multiple hairs per folicle

facial hair: no actual change as far as i know, maybe a little slower? i have been shaving and plucking regularly

nails: this is a hard one to judge because i used to bite them but my nails are growing like crazy. i also think the not-biting my nails thing can be attributed to a reduction in anxiety

energy/brain: i am super lethargic all the time but can’t separate all of that from my bad sleep schedule. i feel like my ritalin is less effective than normal (despite going down a weight class) and might need to switch up doses

voice: definitely lighter. it’s more comfortable to talk towards the top of my range at this point. i don’t think anyone in real life has noticed this

emotional: weirdly chill? i tried to detrans a few years ago (oops) and immediately was having crazy intense mood swings and crying all the time. (admittedly this was probably ptsd related.) so far i have felt basically zero change on this level. i am maybe 5% more capable of crying on a bad day

sexual: what can i say..i don’t fuck. i don’t even think about sex at this point and it’s not odd to go like two weeks without masturbating (at which point it’s routine more than anything). even pre-t as a teen this would be absurd for me. physically i don’t know if anything is different, maybe a little less rowdy

sexuality: happy late international lesbian day

breasts: i’ve lost weight in my chest along with everything else but have been feeling really itchy lately. i wouldn’t rule out the possibility that i am experiencing some regrowth. i am considering doing some weight cycling for this reason but idk

body: i have definitely lost a ton of muscle (not intentionally gained) but some of that comes with the rapid weight loss. i have an hourglass figure that never really went away on T and is getting more exaggerated as time goes on. here’s me in a fitted dress with no breastforms or anything a month ago:

menstrual: i had a very light period last week (during a camping trip no less) but it was fine. my periods have always been super weird and irregular (PCOS) so i am assuming it’s going to get crazy in a few months

public perception: i get “ladies”ed regardless of how i look because i only hang out with women really, but i’ve had a few strangers avoid pronouns on me lately. a lot of my changes are currently masked by the weight loss but i’ve gotten many comments about how i look like a completely different person and they don’t know why

self perception and gender identity: overall i think i look really pretty tbh. i know logically that i was blessed with some pretty crazy bone structure and have been told often (i am stealth) that i would make a beautiful girl (lol). the word “woman” still feels too heavy to me and i’m not forcing myself to be totally cool with it, but i am still feeling a huge sense of relief to just be chilling about things. i legitimately am not really experiencing dysphoria at this point (except some “reverse” dysphoria) but i am trying to move slowly to not freak myself out. i am still boy mode at school and work (though i am wearing all women’s clothing, just the butchier stuff) and am working up to telling people outside my family and best friend who know. time will tell how that goes

let me know if there’s anything y’all are interested in about this

[idontfuckignknow]

03-02-2022. 00:24

ik heb dit een paar dagen geleden geschreven. idk waarom engels

i hate living this life

i hate getting older. im not even 30 and i feel like body is falling apart. i have all these vague aches. but i just ignore everything. i have weird spots in my vision like there is some permanent grog in my eyes and i cant wipe it out. i have aches under my ribs, i have wounds that dont heal, my back hurts, im always tired. nothing is ever improving. atleast when i was 18-26 i was in good shape. i keep gaining weight but i hardly eat. i walk over 15k steps a day(aprox 10km) and my job is physically very demanding. yesterday i ate 1 mandarin for breakfast, 1 cookie for lunch and for dinner i had some vegetable wraps and some beans with baconbits. i dont drink soda that much but i do drink a lot of alcohol but usually only in the weekends. in the last few months i gained like 6 kg. and then in 1½ week i lost 4 again without doing anything different. i tried calculating my caloric intake for a while and i was almost always having a deficit. except for maybe the alcohol.

capitalism sucks. people seem to make the best of it but i cannot do it. how do people work for 50 years without a care in the world? or do they pretend everything is fine? i hate working 5 days a week. it rough for my body. my back hurts. and my free time consists of resting from work, doing chores. then get drunk in the weekend and start over again. during the week i come home after work, eat, watch netflix or youtube or something else, or maybe try and do a hobby and then sleep. there is just no fucking meaning to any of it. im bored all the fucking time. there is no one to have a conversation with. not that im such a good conversationalist. im a fucking meathead. but it would be great if i could just have a face to face talk with someone who would understand. but when i actually talk to most people i just want the conversation to end or i want to go away. not with everybody but with most.

sometimes i visualize people as being these operators of robots they found somewhere and they bump into different robot suit operators and they cannot speak eachothers language. so they are badly controlling this robot, stumbling around, without knowing how to operate it and without being able to communicate with eachother. idk

im so glad my roommate broke the doorbell i was going insane. that thing would go off like 10 times a day for same fucking roommate. and i had this kafkaesque feeling that it would the police and they would be looking for me eventhough i did nothing wrong or i couldnt remember doing anything wrong and it was fucking stressful. there sometimes was police but not for me.

i hate all this digital social media shit but im so bored of anything else. i tried reading but i cannot focus. i try making music, i try taking photo's, i try drawing, painting, writing, making videos, making graffiti, talking to people, i tried going to the gym for a year, i tried eating healthy, i tried going to bed at a reasonable time, nothing really helps me feeling less sad, and i can focus on less and less.

ive gotten bad at talking to people. it might be the pandemic or i might have gotten more aware of it but i really just dont want to talk to anybody anymore. this whole pandemic has fucked up my social life anyway, ive become more recluse than ever before. ive lost so many people who i would talk to on the regular. whole groups of friends i havent spoken to in a year or so. i used to go to a lot of parties, talked to a lot of different people. but not anymore.

i moved to a different city a while back and i would hang out with friends more often but lately i dont want to. all they do is use drugs and i was getting drunk multiple times a week. and all they did was sit indoors. thats one nice thing about my work. im outside or on the road for 5-6 hours a day. if i wasnt doing that i would be going fucking insane. i need the fresh air. even when im sitting at home after work i want to go outside. but i also need to rest so i cant

i wish i was intoxicated all the time but without the health risks. my liver or pancreas or whatever hurts after drinking. even sometimes randomly. i hate being sober tho, its no fun. i want to try doing shrooms or something similar. i just dont want to go through life sober. atleast then im blissfully happy. i used to want to die so bad but now im just afraid to die all the time. maybe ive always been afraid i dont know. sometimes it feels like im an bystander to my own feelings or to my own life so i dont really know.

i shouldnt be jealous, i think love isnt made for me maybe. or i do it in the wrong way. or that im undeserving. i expect so much from the other person. they will never be able to live up to my expectations. im selfish when i want all of someones attention. but when i like someone i give them all of mine. im intense. im too much.

now im talking to my ex again. one who i was very very much in love with and now suddenly i care but i know she is bad news for me. its always been this pushing and pulling and its unhealthy. but she is so fucking nice and the prettiest girl ive ever seen. shes too good for me and at the same time a very bad idea to get involved with. the last time i was fucked up over her for a long long long time. but we have so much in common. i really think we understand eachother. but i feel like im not good enough.

i have low self esteem. i have a fear of abandonment. especially with people who i let in. im sad all the time. but i push it away. i mask it. for a while i was pretty good at it. but now im sad again a lot of times. i was just feeling nothing and that made it seem like i was ok. i was on auto pilot but lately i cannot. im thinking too much. im too sad and i want to get fucked up but my fucking pancreas is hurting and i dont want end up like my brother.

i can be really rude to people. especially when im drunk and meet them for the first time. most friends i have said that they really dislike me in the beginning but i grow on them. and they say im really clever but im wasting my potential doing nothing. i like that compliment. they tell me to make a photo zine or book but i dont want to make books for other people. i just want to make stuff for myself

i dont hate sex but im really starting to hate random hookups. it feels like very boring masturbation with someone elses body. but even sex with people i like or used to like feels weird. i used to be a very passionate person when it came to this. now my body and mind just isnt into it. it feels like im losing everything. every passion i had. i just kinda gave up. i gave up on love, i gave up on looks, i gave up on trying to be happy, i gave up on health, i gave up.

/end of selfish rant

[krs724490]

4/15/21

I’ve been read Dr. Joe Despenza’s becoming supernatural. and he is talking about making mind movies. which i might do! Right now, however, I will write them out in a detailed fashion to help me envision my future. He also suggest making several for the different areas in your life. I agree that this would be super helpful! I want to make one for my career, my home/environment i exist in, my love life, and my health journey. I will start with my love life because it’s the one that so easily consumes my thoughts so i want to knock it out first. so it doesn’t distract me as a i move through the others. I may come back and add detail later. or rather i should. well we’ll see how this practice goes.... 

1. LOVE

I deeply sighed before writing this because I’m not so sure. If that makes any sense. Like I’m unsure of what I want my love life to look like because I don’t fully trust myself with love. Which sucks. I’ve just gone down too many rabbit holes and its funny because in my head I always say “waste my fuckin time” in that funny voice. but what it really is is me wasting my OWN fucking time because I don’t feel like I have the self control to stop myself from being with men or from discerning which ones are worth my time. I think back to Collin Thiex from less than a year ago and I laugh. Same with Cooper Johnson. Two boys that were so clearly wrong for me and yet at some point I was swept up in them. Maybe it’s because I have met Chase and Tyler and they’ve raised my standards for men. They make me believe that better men, men more meant for me are out there because I’m done wasting my energy. The saddest part is that I keep thinking.. what if I’m wrong about Tyler? What if its just another one of those honeymoon illusions where I think the guy is great in the beginning and then he ends up “waste my fuckin time?” I dont know. I don’t know if I believe in marriage. I’ve just seen too much divorce. Too much shift in people’s lives and maybe I’m too selfish to work with someone like that. You need to value the relationship SO much to prioritize it and make it work. I want to think that I could end up married to someone who challenges me in the best ways. Who encourages me to be my best self and helps me do so. I run a pretty tight ship. I like to be on my routine. On my game. I don’t like to drink or smoke or do anything that feels unproductive. I think Tyler drinks more than I do. Or I know he does. I dont think I want that to be a big part of my life. I do fitness. I dont have room for a hangover. There is just no space for it. Tyler is so amazing in so many ways but I’m just NOT SURE. and i know i dont have to be. but it sucks not to be because your brain is constantly searching for answers. its like im getting closer and closer to that person. and i love chase. chase is me. chase and i are the same. and like FUCK because he’s just so out there. I feel like my husband is an aubrey marcus type. idk. maybe it is tyler?! i know he cares about being healthy. i just OIJAOSIJDOADJIASOPJD. im so young. when i envision my love life in the future. i see white. i see nothing. i have no expectation. which is good. i think for love thats all i need. wow it took me all of this goo to come to this conclusion. my love life is a blank slate. i dont have any ideals here. Other than our interactions building me up to have more energy rather than sucking my energy away. i dont know about marriage. i dont know about a relationship. i just take that shit day by day because to have this fairytale planned out is just unrealistic. I meet so many men. I love men. I love them. I just dont know if one really fits into my life. like SUPER well. this is just me treading lightly because of what ive been through. i need to accept that this one doesn’t have an answer and move on lol.

2. CAREER/MONEY

All I want is a job that can sustain me without too many frills. I want one that can sustain my basic habits. My grocery bill, car insurance, random nights out with friends. Where I can save up for a flight home. I want to know all aspects of my finance. I want to have it as nailed down as the meal plan I’m going to have. I want to track where everything is going. I want to have it on lock so that when I do go astray I know I have the space for it. Let’s say I spend $2000/month. I want to save for retirement, save for plane tickets to visit ppl, save for trips. I want to look closely at everything I’m doing. So I want a career in fitness that can sustain that. I acknowledge that right now I’m at the bottom of my industry working to gain more experience and that I will move up. Right now is a grind, but I will never stop looking for ways to move up. I will make it. I will make it in 2021 to a high position. I will be running something. I will consolidate. I will begin to HONE IN. To get more specific. I envision myself walking into VASA. I really do. VASA in Willow Creek. I envision the group classes being more popular than ever. I envision everyone in a myzone. I envision helping new instructors. I envision ALL OF IT. I know I would be great at this job. I know that THIS IS THE JOB. I know it. I know it. The energy I’ve already produced there. It’s been incredible and its where i want to grow my career. I know I’m the best person for the job. I’m no longer wish washy. I know I am. I feel ready to take it on. I feel ready at this point in my life. I’m just READY. I want to pull into that parking lot and look at that building and think this is my home. I care about this place. Despite any criticism anyone else has... this is my place. I am determined to make it a success. Chris wont know what hit him. and I think he’s super sweet. He is someone I would want to learn under. This next interview with Lori will be the best interview I’ve ever had because it is something I love and care about so deeply. They will. have no choice but to give me this job.

3. HEALTH/WELLNESS

I am on my way hunny!!!!! This is finally exciting for me to write about haha. I really want to shoutout Chase here. This nutrition plan is giving me LIFE. I can already see myself running those full marathons. LIFTING WEIGHTS. Teaching cycle and yoga and all of the things and absolutely thriving. Following an exact nutrition plan that I have nailed down to the point where I can seasonally switch things out?! ?!!?!? what?! Taking the supplements. Becoming more specific with my goals and absolutely crushing the fitness game. This week has been busy but I’ve been handling it so well because ive been sleeping and eating right! It’s like my classes aren’t overwhelming and I’ve even been working out on my own??? I’ve done some long runs. I’m proud of myself. I know I’m goin places and I’m slowly leaving Mara at the door more and more.

4. HOME

Always CO. I think the only thing I would consider like I’ve always talked about is moving closer to the mountains but nature is such a priority for me. The mountains truly hold a lot for me. They carry things I can’t carry. They hold them for me. I love their energy. I dont want to get too attached because like Ram Dass says if you’re doing your work New York City and a Himalayan cave feel the same. So I just want somewhere cozy to exist. Where I can keep my snacks and get my beauty rest. Somewhere to feel rooted. I feel like I’ve got my roots dug pretty deep here :)

[the0ther-side0f-dawn]

personal rant

tw: eating disorder, anxiety, depression, suicide mention, fat shaming, abuse, idk, my life is one big shit hole, idk what tags to wack on here.

do not reblog - do not like if your likes are public - do not interact if youre over 25

warning: this post is super long bc i dont know what concision is and i have a lot of thoughts and feelings :)

so, this is going to get fairly personal, and talk about things ive never really talked about before, or felt comfortable talking about. i still feel so so so exceptionally uncomfortable talking about body weight, and weight loss, and fat, and eating disorders, and all that jazz, but the point of this post is to talk about personal growth, and then ramble and go into some self-loathing.

so, a huge part of how I used to justify my eating, when i was in secondary school, was i was really determined to enjoy every food, which was my favourite, as much as possible. and, so i would eat a lot of something, and just so much of it, because i had this fear, “what if the company stopped manufacturing this suddenly, and this is the last time i ever get to enjoy it?” so i’d eat like a whole box of shapes and a whole bag of chips in one sitting kind of thing. which is why in 8th-9th grade i gained like 25kg.

of course, this isnt factoring the huge huge influence in my eating that depression, and my mother [and my determination to do things to spite her out of anger]. and like obviously they played a huge role. like i ate because i hated life and was depressed, and it was “comforting” and it became habitual, and then my mum was the furtherest thing, and still is, from emotionally supportive, and when she would yell at me to stop, or shame me, or make me feel bad about my eating or my body, i would eat more just to spite her. just because i didnt want to be her little fucking minion, and all obedient and submissive and shit.

but, the fear of “what if i never get to enjoy this thing again?” was pretty big, and im just realising, on that front, i have come so so far. im sure the fact that last year, several of my favourite foods ceased to be manufactured, helped me, subconsciously, realise how fucking unnecessary that fear was, because in the end, it didnt matter, the things i like have changed, i have grown to like new things, i have grown to dislike things i used to love, its all so fucking arbitrary. a year or so ago, aldi had some specials, and my mum bought home this sesame based turkish dessert thing. i dont remember what it was called probably the most delicious thing ive ever tasted. and it was okay for me to just enjoy a little, and not go on looking for more. im getting better at stopping. im getting better at being content, instead of always trying to chase more satisfaction. but yeh, ive gotten better.

i still eat ALOT because of depression. and i think that is okay. its important to have priorities, and i think eating is better for me than many of the other ways i could or have coped with depression in the past. and generally, if im sad and want to eat, i have to go outside and go walk somewhere to buy food, which is good for me.

and doing things to spite my mother, still happens, because she is still so hateful. but my motives arent necessarily to spite her as such, as to fucking defend my right to exist, and my right to make my own decisions.

i still have good and bad times. i often lose 5kg over the span of a couple weeks, and gain 10kg over a couple months, it’s so back and forth. but it’s generally staying the same, on average, and for me, that’s like getting a C+. it’s sufficient.

this last year, has been really difficult for me with body image. i was covering up my mirrors for a good while. i still feel sick when i open up snapchat and the front camera is enabled. i have gone up a half dress size, and i hate it, but i should have caved and starting buying things in the larger size a while ago. its better to wear something that feels comfortable and looks like it isnt too tight, then to fuss over a number on a tag.

i feel like shit when my sister wants to go to shops at the mall like supre and valleygirl, and i cannot even look at the racks, because i know the only thing in the store that will fit me is the sunglasses.

i still am not on board with the whole fat positivity thing. i know its important. i know that someones body weight doesnt decrease their worth as a person. these are facts. but i still fucking loathe myself. and i still feel fucking worthless.

i feel like i am incapable of being loved because i am not pretty enough. i am not thin enough. pretty and thin are much the same to me. i would be pretty if i were thin.

i feel nauseous on public transport because i take up too much space on a seat. people have to press against me to move past me in the aisle. i try and make myself smaller, but i never am small enough.

when i am depressed and crying i put a pillow over my head to shield the universe from having to witness my face. i am too fat and ugly to cry, because only skinny girls look good when they cry. i dont feel entitled to sadness.

i dont feel entitled to a lot of emotions. because i am not pretty enough to be human. not skinny enough to be human.

and i know it is fucking bullshit, but i still feel it.

and i am angry, that there are only two possible portrayals for bigger people. bullies. or bubbly. i am not happy. i am not bubbly. i shouldnt have to be over the top smiling and laughing and have flawless skin and makeup in order to fit into one of the two boxes that exist for me; the only box where i am “good.”

i dont know i just really wish that when i was younger i had access to healthy food that tasted good, and to sporting activities that i enjoyed. instead of it being “we’re too poor to do club sport” and my mum telling me physical fitness didnt matter, and with food, it was like, no effort from my mum to try and find healthy options that i liked. she’d serve up peas, and force me to sit at the table til i ate them. and i would sit there for 4 hours with her intermittently yelling that if i didnt hurry up she’d shove them down my throat with a broom handle. instead of her thinking okay, what other healthy foods are that i could try and get the kids to eat, and trying to figure out what would work, but no instead she served up peas once a week and it was the same fucking ordeal. and i really fucking despise my mum, and blame her for a lot. because she socialised me, until i was 12, to not give a shit about my body and fitness, and then i start highschool, start eating out of depression, gaining weight like crazy, mum gets a diabetes scare, and next minute she’s determined to teach me how to hate myself. and to me, thats unforgiveable.

i wish things had been very very different in my life, and wish things were very different now. because its, probably not impossible, but really fucking difficult to make meaningful changes in my life when im dirt fucking poor, and constantly wrestling with depression, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, etc, and have a p darn shitty family situation, and almost no friends that arent in very similar boats.

[fatassmirage]

Chubby Moth Hux

Back again to push my furry agenda on everyone. This time I come with ChubbyMothHux! Why is he chubby? Because try and stop me.

Post below contains weight gain, stuffing, transformation, and a brief mention of eggs at the end. Continue at your own risk.

So Hux has to go to some backwater planet for a political mission or some nonsense. While planet side, he picks up an airborne virus that idk maybe it only affects certain people because of shenanigans.

So once back on the Finalizer, Hux starts to notice he's suddenly hungry all the time. Like if he doesn't eat every hour his stomach is growling loudly while on the bridge and longer than that he's getting hunger pains. After a couple of weeks of this (and when he starts to gain weight) he goes to medbay.

They identify that he's got a virus but they don't know what exactly it is. So they have to take samples and see what's going on, but in the mean time they give him appetite suppressants which ultimately result in him getting sick and having to stop taking them.

So life goes on and he has to keep eating and gaining weight. Then the skin patches start. He starts getting strange scaly of skin across his body. On his chest, back, under arms and down his sides and so on. He absolutely hates it but medbay still can't figure out what's going on so he has to deal.

Eventually, few weeks after infection, he has a day where his hunger isn't sated at all and he has to keep ordering food to his quarters for a few hours. On top of the hunger, he feels the urge to burrow. To gather as many blankets as possible and just wrap himself up in them. He's so confused what's going on and is about to admit himself to medbay but eventually it is sated.

And then he falls asleep

This boy is knocked out for a week, obviously eventually someone goes to check him after he misses his next shift and they take him to medbay. He’s basically in a coma. While he's asleep, that's when he starts to fully change.

So he wakes up a week later in medbay, dazed and confused. He knows something’s instantly wrong when he tries to sit up in bed and realized he's got new appendages attached to him.

Starting off on his alterations, he's got fuzzy antennas, bug-like blue-green eyes, huge wings, an extra set of arms, and fluff. Lots and lots of fluff. This boy is now a big puff ball of chub with wings. He lost some weight while knocked out but because he was hooked up to ivs, he didn't lose as much as intended by the transformation.

So Hux, obviously, is completely mortified. He looks beyond alien and not very General like at all. How can he lead the First Order with four arms, giant wings, antennas and bug eyes? Also way too fluff and chub.

So he has to make due. He gets clothes custom made for his new body. He wears the hat over the antennas, keeps the wings always folded in back like a cape, extra arms always behind his back parade rest style. Probably orders custom contacts to cover his weird eyes too. His uniforms cover up all his fluff but makes him look even chubbier because of it.

Regardless of his transformation, he makes it work. Everyone is already too scared of him as it is, knowing if they say something they're out the airlock, so people get used to it. He still has to eat all the time, but he has more of a craving for protein shakes and sugary fruits and fruit juices. His caf is now half coffee half fruit juice

Things are normal, he makes them so.

Until Kylo Ren returns to the Finalizer after a multi month mission and sees the new General.

That’s it for now, but I’ll add a few more things here:

-His antennas are actually too fuzzy and big to be hidden by the hat completely. So what he has to do is basically comb them down and gel them in place with the rest of his hair. Too bad for Hux, he discovers, the antennas are connected to his sense of taste so now he knows what hair gel tastes like.

-When Hux is riled up, he stops being able to ‘act normal’ so to speak. During an attack by the Resistance, he’s completely unable to stop his wings from fluttering behind him as he gives orders. He’s pointing at everyone and giving commands with all four hands, his antennas come loose from the gel and push his hat off but he can’t be bothered into fixing it right then. 

-Speaking of his wings, when he gets angry or flustered, they flutter behind him. He can’t control it, it’s just something that happens to him. He hates it.

-Hux will now make impulsive jittery noises when he’s startled or hyperfocused on something. He can’t control it, it just happens.

-He now has a strong fascination with light. Naturally drawn to it to the point of almost walking off ledges.

-He can’t fly. Hux simply weighs too much and his wings can’t propel him off the ground enough to fly. He hasn’t tried it neither, mostly because there’s nowhere safe on the Finalizer to actually test his wings out without other people seeing him. He can hover off the ground and glide with them.

-I haven’t actually decided on colors for him yet. I’m debating between the Rosy Maple Moth (because I mean aerobics Hux) and the Hawkeye Moth. I’m very open to suggestions though and want something that matches his hair so please gimme some ideas!

-NSFW portion: He’s got an ovipositioner and produces eggs. I could go in detail more for that in another post if requested.

[fairycosmos]

hey so i think i might have an eating disorder & ive already been to the doctor for missed periods and im supposed to gain weight but im scared to and i feel so guilty when i eat too much and im scared to tell my parents bc my mom will be mad at me bc she doesnt understand and i just hate this feeling of feeling bad when i eat too much and feeling bad for disappointing my parents when i throw out my lunches and stuff and im just sad and idk what to do u dont have to reply but thanks if u do :')

ahhhh, kid. i just want 2 hug you and tell you it's all going to be okay. honestly talk to a school counselor, ring an ED hotline, go back to your doctor and tell him what's really going on. look, i know that you're scared and anxious and it all feels like a fucking nightmare. but i also know that you don't want to live like this anymore. thats a good starting point. sometimes you have to get so sick of being sick that you'll make almost any compromise to get better. your parents might get it, and they might not. sometimes they're ignorant assholes and sometimes they may surprise you with how they handle things. and if telling them will put you at risk of harm, obviously i can't recommend it. but if it won't, I'd really urge you to just sit them down and tell them what's going on. in your own words, in your own time. because even if they don't understand it, they'll still want you to be okay. telling someone never turns out a badly as you think it will, as your brain is trying to convince you that it will. it's all a part of the disorder, it'll do anything to prevent you from taking the important first step of reaching out.i know it's a lot easier said than done. seriously, it's going to be fucking difficult and hard and upsetting. but so is having an ED. you just have to choose which version of hard you can handle, and when you compare them, the choice is obvious. love, it doesn't have to be like this. you're more in control of this than it feels like you are rn. and it's not going to last forever and even though it feels like the end of the world, it's not. i have complete faith in you, and i know that you'll find a way to put yourself and your health first. you have so many options, and if your brain is trying to tell you otherwise, it's lying. it's trying to isolate you so you're easier to manipulate. i hope you find it in you to turn things around. i wish there was something more i could do for you, something that would prove that there's more to life than weight and calories and ED's. but there's not, i can only hope you realize that in your own time. you're lovely and amazing and i hope you really believe that someday, you're so much more than you think you are. and hey, just message me if you need a friend. i'll be here.

[easeless]

just trying to be honest

i used to write on here a l o t in high school about my life and struggles and stuff and idk why i ever stopped because it’s like 90% of people who follow me on here don’t know me in real life and it’s a lot faster to write on the internet then to write in a journal, or idk maybe I'm ~vain~ and looking for attention lol. 

i remember the first time i knew i hated myself and i was in 6th grade. i wrote it down. i said i wanted to die and it kind of scared me. i didn't tell anyone, though. i remember i hated my parents and my life and my family and i literally had z e r o reason to, i was kind of spoiled i think and my parents were incredible and they loved me well and i had a good life but something was off and i just attributed my feelings to the human condition of selfishness and self preservation. i wrote my parents a letter saying i was running away and i hated them and myself and i wanted to die. they sent me to counseling. i spoke so horribly about my parents that my counselor thought i was being abused (i was not!!!!!!). i never went back and everyone just kind of stopped talking about it. 

in 7th grade jared left - and thats another story for another day - but that sent me in downward spiral i dont know i ever really recovered from. i cut myself for the first time. i didn't tell anyone. to this day i dont even remember the first time i did it, i just remember a time where i couldn't stop doing it. 

in 8th grade i told a few people i was hurting myself but i think no one knew what to do because in 2007 people didn't really talk about those things and i dont even know how i knew about self harm in the first place. i kept cutting myself. it progressed from once every few months to once a week to once a day. i was angry at god. i thought he didn't see me or hear me or care. i thought that if i was a christian that i had to have a really perfect life, so i tried really hard to make sure everyone knew i was a perfect christian.

in high school i gave myself to a lot of boys who didn't give a shit about me. i kept cutting myself everyday and i even brought razor blades to school and would cut during lunch hour in the bathroom. i hated crying. i wanted everyone to think i was pretty and cool and a good girl and i think thats what everyone thought. during my free time in class i would write notes to my family saying goodbye just in case things got too intense when i cut. i tried really hard to pray and ask god to take away these feelings but they never went away and only intensified. 

my junior year of high school i was abused by my worship pastor at my church. he took advantage of me sexually, emotionally, mentally, etc and i was left in a deeper hole then i could have ever imagined id find myself. this left me desperate, willing to do anything to stop feeling the sadness that was sitting in my bones. i tried to kill myself. this would be the first time my family ever learned about any of this. in the hospital my mom was crying and laying across me on the bed, IVs hooked up to my arms, “why didn't you ever tell me megan, why didn't you tell me.” that was the first time i was ever thankful for what i had gone through. i was exposed for what i was - desperate, depressed, confused and angry at the world and finally someone knew and was able to help. this was when i felt my relationship with the Lord would finally be restored. i thanked him a lot for that hospital bed, for the doctors, for my family, and that he so sovereignly allowed things to get so much worse in order for me to come to the end of my rope and get the help i needed. 

i started going to counseling again. i was diagnosed with clinical depression and anxiety. they put me on medicine that really changed my life for the better. finally everything that i had ever been feeling since i was just a kid made sense. this was clinical. this was not my fault. 

fast forward to - now. all of that was over 6 years ago but i still remember it like yesterday. i know the lord better now than i ever could have had i not been through that. i am in a much more stable place. i have grown and accomplished a lot and graduated college and started my own small business and live with my best friends in a house in a small town. but sometimes that darkness still finds its way back into my bones and hides under my skin. two months ago i made the decision to go off of the depression medicine i have held so dear for the past 6 years. once i was finally completely free of the medication, i felt great. i didn't have too many horrible side effects and i feel like i am in a much better place mentally. but the past week or so i have been finding myself nostalgic for the days where i was so far into depression that i could not function and that makes me feel sick. i started to think, where did all of this really originate? was it 6th grade or did it go back further? and then i remembered something that happened to me when i was young that i forgot about until now and i dont know why but its not like taboo, like i can talk to my mom about it and literally almost joke about it because it seems like it was just long ago, but i think it effected me more than i think???? if that makes sense lol?? in 3rd grade i was sexually harassed by a boy in my class who would tell me in detail how he was going to come to my house and rape me. he got moved from my class and he did get in a lot of trouble for it but i remember always being like fearful after that? idk if thats where all of this started but i guess its food for thought. i feel like i have a cloud over me again and i dont want to do or feel or say anything to anyone. i hate it. so. much. i dont know what to do really and i dont want to go back on medication because it made me gain so much weight and feel sluggish and gross but it kept a lot of this pain at bay and now i feel like I'm stuck in a hard place. i need to go back to counseling prob lol. 

but i guess i just need to keep praying and trusting and hoping and knowing the best is only yet to come. if you have any advice, I'm not opposed. 

[elarrendajoazul]

Just Hug It Out (A RS fic)

Based on this piece: http://adultnarwhalshinyeyes.tumblr.com/post/151130107462/ive-been-talking-to-a-friend-about-an-au-to-au

Sinopsis: The guys found themselves in trouble after Margo decides to hide away from the rest of the people, because he has to deal with his weight gain. Their friends will kepp nice about that but soon, Rigby will get in a lot of obstacles after she will try to get Margo back on track. Even he would face the posible antagonist of the history: Margo’s boyfriend, CJ. 

Atención: Anthro, r63, shipping, gay couple and chubby birds (possibly fetish, idk)

Fic right down below after “keep reading”

A quiet apartment in the middle of the city, lights were off and the interiors looked quite dark.

Even though it has pass midnight, fast and cold feet cross from the bedroom to the fridge, striking without mercy, because he was looking for a snack before going back to bed. Joyful, discovers samples of Chinese food he ordered with his boyfriend during last dinner, thanks to his memory which he recalled ordered too many for himself, even he could not finish it. But, his stomach was growling just like he did not get any tiny bit to his mouth.

He keeps the rest of noodles over their hand and stroll right to the comfort of his couch. It creaks, loudly, after he put his huge weight over it. Hearing that awful sound, he looked with surprise how his round belly overshadowed anything over his lap, it was big, and not even a shirt could fit all that, leaving his belly button exposed. For a moment, he felt with guilt.

“Oh, no! How much I gain this time?”

Being recently skinny, he had a harsh time conflicting over negative feelings and dealing with depression, he could not stop eating and he gained weight because of that. Having adopted such unhealthy practices from his sweet boyfriend, which he noticed since he kind of meet each other, but he followed his path, right until the point he was right now. He closed his eyes, to gain focus and loosely keeping his thoughts shut, and so, allowing to swallow some more noodles, which they were their favorites, by the way. Trying to calm his fierce hunger. Only after that, it came the need to open his eyes, because he felt somebody was lurking behind his back.

As you see, even though he tried to be silent, trying to not waking anybody up from the living room, his couple noticed and he woke up with curiosity over what was happening with all that noise, turning the lights on when he got there, he sigh with relief as recognizing a friendly face, worried that it could be someone strange trying to get inside their home.

“Margo? Honey… Are you awake?”

Cloudy James or how people know him, CJ, quickly noticed the food box of Chinese on the young bird’s hand which it makes him smirk a little bit, finding out it was alright.

“Margo, you are only eating… a midnight snack, before bed?”

Margo nodded, looking pretty bashful in front of him. Nervous, he kept eating until finally, he broke silence.

“CJ… I’m worried. You know, I’ve been gaining weight once again and it’s already faster, I’m getting hungry pretty fast too! I’m dealing if this will interfere our relationship, making me not attractive for you!”

“Oh, Margo. What are you talking about? I’m still in love will you and I’m keeping being like that. You will always be beautiful for me, does that counts for you?”

Getting close to the light as he walked, CJ’s figure revealed being as huge as Margo’s, even though he could not mind about his weight at all, he could handle that matter better than CJ as he was gifted by being a cloud and his metabolism could work faster as any anthropomorphic animal could ever think, ever! Margo, being a male robin, just passed to his adult age, he get to CJ’s weight real fast in a short period of two month, making him having a bad time trying to get some sleep. Shocked by all the weight he was getting on himself.

CJ got to his face, and leave a passional kiss, erasing any worries from Margo’s face, making his mind go white and letting himself go, concentrated on the lips of his caring lover. When they separate, CJ took a sit on his side, their hands were touching.

“Margo, please get some sleep. In the morning you will see how everything will fade away. Come with me and relax a little bit”. CJ said in a pretty convincing way, in such a warm voice.

“Alright… but first, let me end this! I don’t want this on the trash can, you know?”

“Do it pretty soon. After that, you will go to bed. Margo, you and me will work this out, together. Goodnight.”

CJ got up and took rest on bed; Margo kept eating, indulging noodles inside his mouth. But, Margo could not resist looking down there, as seeing himself falling to an empty pit, he knew as a shock under his shoulder felt shaking on the inside. He was already in rock bottom.

Next day, on the super market, Margo was using his cart, putting some articles it will give him something to eat for the rest of the month, trying very fast to accomplish his duty so he could get to his apartment.

Trying to achieve that, familiar voices were sounding on the other side of the hall, coming closer and closer….

“Dude, I’m telling you! And then, a giant shark jump to the boat and he tear his whole arm, my own grand uncle’s arm! And that’s how you lose an arm, with style!”

“What? Dude, there’s no way a normal shark could do that! Maybe he lose on a fabric or something, sometimes relatives prank once in a while when you are younger”.

“Hey, hey, Mordo. Quiet! That’s my family you are talking about, and this is the truth! When he comes to visit, oh, I will love the look of your face when you see the place his arm left after he vanished. You can see the mark of teeth that terrible beast lay on his arm forever!”

Margo worried a lot when he recognize them, fearing he would be seen as his condition were getting worse and worse. No one could not see Margo yet!

“Oh, no! The girls, what do I do? What do I do? I need to hide and soon!” he thought immediately, discovering a really and inexplicably huge lot of cookies which will work as an improvised hide out. Amazingly, he got away with it, as Mordecai and Rigby leave just right beside him without seeing him, at all.

He cleaned his forehead as cold sweat run through it, the girls keep chatting until they get to the cashier right far front on the hall, their voice still sound pretty clear until, it inevitably fade away on the distance:

“Dude, that’s crazy. I wish it was worth it that day of fishing, though…”

Margo keep on his way, running right on the other side the gals took a walk, so, he kept with his buy. Then, on the coffee shop, CJ was looking helpless and worried in his own reflex, made by her own coffee, allowing to see his sad face on the liquid.

“It’s not working out, right?” the young mole said, friend and worker of the Coffee Shop.

“No, Eugene. Not at all. He doesn’t even want to go to the coffee shop! I have invited him to drink coffee, something quiet, right? But, he got away and told me he was getting food sooner, because we don’t have any on the fridge anymore. He will to home after that”.

“That… doesn’t sound very optimistic, CJ. To be honest, you are the closest person to him right now, but I am his best friend. I made a promise, for when it could happen something like that, I will do everything in my power to make him feel better. Now that I’m telling you that, well, I wish you the best and I hope this works out! If you need help, don’t doubt to ask me anything!”

“Thanks, Eugene. I’m glad to hear that!”

A brief “yeah” come out of their mouth at the same time, they keep making the same thing they were doing, leaving themselves go under the depressive environment. Then, door open. Two familiar voices start sounding once again.

“Better we got to have some breakfast… I could die for some… ¡oh snap! ¿CJ? ¿How are you, dude?

“Hey, Mordecai! Hehe, nice to see you again!”

“It’s been so long, hey, do you know if Margo will be here?”

“I’m afraid not. This time I’ve come alone. I shouldn’t say this, but just earlier I speak with Eugene about was going on.”

“With Eugene, huh? And what do you talk about? Asked Rigby trying to get in conversation.

“Well, Rigby, now that you asked… we need to help Margo, now as ever. His condition has worsened and I don’t even know how to calm him” CJ speak in the name of both.

“That bad?”

“Yes, Mordo… serious. Like, I’m going to need help to be quiet about anything related to his weight, that’s what been keeping him awake on nights recently.”

“That’s a shame, I really miss him” said a very sad Mordecai.

Rigby watched silently, while the rest of three keep making his plan to don’t let Margo down, which he does not even wanted to assist to the reunions.

“Rigby, promise me you will keep the word.” CJ plead again, waiting for a confirmation.

Rigby’s eyes rolled with disgust. She decided to keep silent about her true feelings, for this one time only.

“Huh, yeah. I don’t promise anything, though.” Mordecai quickly interrupt her, trying to represent both before CJ.

“CJ, we’ll try out best to help you! You guys can go to the park anytime you want!”

“Hey, hear me out! We should do another movie night in your place, gals!” said Eugene very quickly. “It’s not that I’m free on Friday’s nights though’, haha”.

“Yeah, not bad! We could be us, like old times! Without making the effort of exposing him in public! I’m already excited! I’m completely sure; Margo will love to go out!”

Mood changed completely as he came home.

“What do you say you won’t come with us!?”

“CJ, look… I’m not in the mood for such stuff right now. I don’t think I’ll have to strength to face it yet”

Margo found herself, leaving shirtless, exposing his naked torso, CJ was looking from behind as his reflex of his face on the mirror expressed anger. Margo was observing explains with such a blue expression and even tired of what he was trying to do with himself.

“I will need more time”.

“More!? But, Margo, what else I can do!? I do everything possible to make you happy and you leave me dumped in the last minute of anything I want to share with you! Every time I invite you, you say no! C’mon, you promise me you will deal this to work it out but I only see that you are getting worst and worst! For heaven’s sake! How much longer do I need to wait until I heard you’ll be ready to see our friends again!?

The constant strength of his voice scale with such intensity, even his dialogue shock and increase constantly in every second. Failing to hide his wrath, his body started to dematerialize itself, turning into a scary and dark cloud running over the apartment, which spread sparks and thunder filled with such anger. Blind for his ugly temperament, CJ could not get down for himself.

Margo stare silently and walked closer to him, trying to block his path. Soon as CJ realize what he was doing to Margo, he saw he was doing wrong and then, he came back to his normal state, holding hands with his love couple. Both her foreheads rest in each other, holding together for a brief time, as sweet little bells sounding through the placid windy air of a fresh dusk, their minds turned white and they calm down. They truly show without telling a word, that love was still there and no one was searching to make any harm between each other.

“You don’t know how much I understand that, right now. It hurts when you looked so confused, because you are the only one who can help. Help me to help myself, now, more than and ever~”

CJ sigh after hearing those words and kept his eyes shut, hiding any emotion he dealt with, by only staying by his side.

“Of course, Margo. I will do it, more than ever.”

…………………………………………………………………………..

Walking over the sidewalk, Margo took the next day with much optimism than he could expect. Taking conscious and getting better again, he realized only a quiet stroll could sweet his mind without compromising to anything to anything hard for the moment.

Or that was he intented to, before Rigby found him in the same sidewalk-

“Oh, shit…” Margo said on his mind as quickly tried to hide in some block, sideways to the street. Unfortunately, that plan would not help him again.

“Margo? Margo! I see you, Margo! Don’t pretend to hide! Come out, man! Come on!”

Embarrassed till he got red, trying to hide back the trash dispenser, he walk in front of the young raccoon. Girl were using sunglasses and some little handkerchief over her head, he wear shirt dead open with a extra-large t-shirt which it helps to expose her huge knockers. Margo even felt scared for the hard attitude this raccoon could show.

“You don’t believe I couldn’t see you over the sidewalk, dude… it’s been so long since we have seen you in the Coffee Shop, how it’s been with you?”

“Huh…” Margo took his time, but clearly was trying to take a walk to keep on his way. The short space between the block and the trash dispenser made it impossible to cross by, leaving her completely defenseless. Rigby raise an eyebrow, watching him.

“Rigby! Huh… you see! It was very hard to go over there these day ¡I’ve been busy, I really am! ¡So, as soon as I can, I’ll tell Mordecai right away!” Margo smiled nervously, while cold sweat runs again over his face.

“Margo, you are still a horrible liar… dude, said it… Why are you embarrassed to hang out with us?”

“¡I don’t know what you are talking about! ¡No one is embarrassed! Who!? Me!? Hahahaha~!” Margo turned red as he blushed, staying between ropes as he put his body on the dispenser.

“Admit it. I see you’d change, but I don’t care about that. You are still being the same dude we appreciate. C’mon, why don’t we scrap all this crap and you can go and have a visit?”

“Huh… Rigby, I don’t think I can but maybe…”

“Mmph… it’s getting late, Margo. I have to go to the park… see ya!”

Rigby leave as soon as she said that. Meanwhile, Margo’s heart was beating faster as he could not have an easy time to breath, trying to hide his stomach holding his breathing, such concentration were broken as he sit, nervously beside the trash dispenser and after he started to breath heavily, victim of a panic attack.

With a quick jump, he started running on the other side Rigby took path and he run away straight to his apartment, which it was shared by CJ. When he get home, CJ received with surprise how Margo run away to his bed in a way to hide on his bedroom. He closed the door, very loudly.

CJ started to worry, because of the huge progress Margo was already making, that’s why she decide to take part and started to knock the door.

“Are you here that soon? Margo, are you right?”

“What!? Yes, CJ, I am fine! Better than ever!” his voice was higher and he truly exposed how uncomfortably nervous he really was.

CJ did not believe that as he heard how Margo was breathing very heavy, he put his face right to the door to listen, sadness come to his reaction as she was trying to figure out what was happening on that bedroom.

“What has come to you, out there?”

“Nothing! Nothing at all! I only… take a break! Tomorrow I’ll try again… promise! Maybe I could not met someone less familiar though.

That last part was mumbling that Margo tried to keep to herself but it was loud enough for CJ to catch it. He stood on the door, starting to ask himself the meaning of such strange wording. Only then, as soon as the strike of thunder, it all started to make sense, when she acknowledges creating a link which only follows to one suspect.

“Rigby!” she thought.

There was inactivity for the rest of the day, until then, the morning after, when the inevitable confront in the Coffee Shop happen. Early, Mordecai and Rigby were in the Coffee Shop, having breaking.

“You don’t think how awesome I could look if I had a robotic arm!?” asked Mordecai leaving such a jokingly grin.

“Huh, I really like to but, I would never play strong arms with you for the rest of my life.”

The door open and CJ came quickly at the table, recognizing someone which needed to hear something very important:

“Rigby! Where were you, yesterday?”

“Oh CJ, how’s it going? Any update with the Margo situation?” She slurp one sip of coffee as she wait for an answer.

“That’s exactly what I come to talk about! Everything was just fine until he came back and he locked himself on the bedroom… after seeing someone familiar!”

“What are you guys talking about? Did you see Margo, yesterday, dude?” Mordecai said pretty confused. Eugene leave the kitchen, holding a jar of coffee on his hand, hearing all the noise.

“Fuck’s sake! Yes, I did meet with Margo and yes, I talk to him. But what I said was that she needed to come with us! He was acting already weird since he recognized me on the street, even he tried to hide but after that, we talk a little until I leave”.

“What a way to do it, then! Can you explain? You make that one week of progress were thrown to the trash can, I told you, Rigby! Don’t be direct, you promised!”

“Dude, I didn’t do shiet! Even I said we miss him pretty lots and we needed him back! Are you trying to boss me for something you asked me to?”

CJ took a long sigh, leaving frustration: “Rigby, I’m not mad, but that’s the last time! I’ll go home with Margo, see you later” As that, CJ go away, waiting for a relaxing day, taking another day to not find with their friends, again.

“What the hell was that?” Eugene asked, finally taking enough courage to get close to his friends.

“I forgot to bring my raincoat. I didn’t know it could rain down here!” Rigby cynically joked and put her hands under the head, taking an exhausting break over the table.

“So… how was Margo, like?” asked Mordecai.

“Huge, Mordo, he was huge!” Rigby stopped after he looked face to face how sad was Mordecai about Margo, he could see how pain was rolling upon her blue eyes. “Seriously, they are making a huge deal about this. When they get ready, they need to come back, whenever they want, I don’t want to get in any trouble if that’s you want to believe.”

“Well, if it’s impossible for us to act and seeing CJ its mad with you, Rigby, what we can do?”

“I’ve no idea, Eugene. And that’s worrying me, right now! I could call CJ promising that everything shall be fine now but I don’t see possible for us to visit them on their home. It will be very awkward for everyone involved.” Say Mordecai.

“Fuck, you are making things worst! We’re making a huge deal about it! We need to see Margo, now!”

“Maybe you should calm down, dude! Maybe you are the one who are complicating this”

“What!? Now I am the trouble!?

“I’m not sure but Mordo it’s trying to tell that your reactions are making to misunderstood anything you try to say. If you were conscious about accepting what CJ propose instead of not promising anything, maybe we could not even had this problem with Margo in the first place”

“Now it’s my fault that Margo’s been ignoring me in the middle of the street and talk to me like I’ve never met her! It’s so easy to walk out of his home and come with us in the Coffee Shop! You guys were not even there! How do you think you can criticize my actions?

Mordecai tried to defend herself: “But… Rigby…”

“Stop with the buts, Rigby! I don’t like we have tried so hard to make Margo feel better and this guy does not had the sense to return these favors. I’m not the one to talk but you are your best friends, reason with him! Mordecai, Eugene?

Mordecai and Eugene looked each other, without knowing what to do, Mordecai looked back trying to show empathy as it failed miserably, her mouth couldn’t assure the words of support she needed to hear, as she only come a brief mumble.

This make Rigby insane and she took her hands over back of the neck and hide her face over the table. The talk turned quiet and dead cold for a few minutes.

It looked like CJ could have the same awkward evening until he opened the door and left his key over a bowl. Suddenly, as he turns on the lights, he found out Margo was sitting on the couch, he smile as soon as he noticed CJ was here.

“Margo… you’re outside.”

“I want to apologize for what I’ve done. I’ve thinking about it and I want to try it again.”

“Really? Um, look, it’s pretty early yet, why don’t you take a walk if you want to try that.”

“No, CJ, I’ve had another idea in mind…”

He jumped with so much energy that it shock CJ a little bit. He got closer and he gave him such a warm kiss in the cheek, making him blush, but it makes him wonder with such anxiety, what was the great news.

“Let’s go with the guys, let’s make the movie night!”

“At last! It was time!” one scream of jubilee came out of the cloud man, as they gave each other a little kiss in the mouth. They soon leave the apartment as they closed the door.

They soon remembered and they open it again, getting inside the apartment. CJ was the only one who recovered sense: ¡Wow, wow, wait! What are we doing? Margo, it’s 9 o’ clock! It’s not even night yet!

“Oh, yeah… hehe, you are right!”

Half an hour later and soon after Mordecai and Rigby ended breakfast and say goodbye to Eugene, a cellphone rang. The owner which was Mordecai, answer it.

“Hello?”

“Mordecai, it’s me… CJ! Are you free tonight?”

“Huh… what’s the ask for?”

“You won’t believe this! Margo said yes! He wants to go to the movie night! Is it going to happen!”

“Well…”

“I said if it’s going to happen!”

“Yes, yes! Dude, we can make it!”

“Perfect. I’m in the supermarket right now, Margo took a walk, you will see him tonight. Hand me over Rigby!”

“Huh… I’m not sure if you will like what I’m going to do now.” Said Mordecai to Rigby as he blocked the speaker of the phone and immediately hand it over: “It’s CJ” Rigby closed her eyes and took a deep sigh before taking the phone.

“CJ, what’s going on?”

“Rigby! Margo’s out of the bedroom and tonight we’ll go to the movie night! You better don’t do what you did last time, okay!?”

“Yes, CJ, I won’t do anything. I promise”

“You better be, Rigby! I don’t want to see you making stupid things again! You are on my sight!”

Rigby got annoyed for that rude comment about herself, such an attack on her person.

“CJ, listen…” before she could make her statement, Cloudy James had already end the call.

“UGH!” Rigby yelled and rise her face up to the sky, giving the phone to her best friend.

“That was weird, right? I don’t know what the hell it’s going on in that house but at this point, dude… I don’t want to know anything.” Rigby looked down the ground with closed arms, being feed by her own weakness.

“Well… Everything’s even and all it’s good, right?” Mordecai smiled very optimistic and friendly, but Rigby face her, still with crossed arms.

Mordecai kept insisting, forcing her big smile and making a frown, forcing Rigby to make an answer: “Riiiiiiight?”

Rigby kept quiet for a few seconds and suddenly, she shakes her head like a tambourine, indicating what Mordecai did not wanted it to her: No. He up her hands in signal of disapproval. “Mmmph, mmph!”

“Wooow, what? No… Why!? Why!?” Mordecai yelled.

“Mordecai….!” Rigby tried to explain. But Mordecai raise her finger right to her.

“No, Rigby, no! Don’t screw this up! Rigby, we’re so close! Why do you keep going with this?” Mordecai beg with his hands.

“CJ don’t learn, dude! It seems like he will annoy me about Margo forever. He’s going to bury his old cauliflower looking head over my neck to make me not tell any word about it, tonight! And if I don’t stop him, he will go after you and Eugene too!”

Mordecai whined a little growl and bury her hands over his face. “Okay… but don’t tell I did not warn you. Margo it’s too sensitive over that stuff, and see Rigby, people like him sometimes need that protection. Eugene and I used to deal more with him and we love him oh so much, that sometimes we need to protect him. But, I’ve never get that far with him. Good luck with the result!”

“I’m not the problem. If they’re looking for it, they will get it! Besides, nothing will happen until CJ will decide to keep his hands over me. I mean~ the problem, that’s it!

“Yeah, right… just help with the junk food and renting the films”

“Oh yeayuh~ I’ll follow you if you bring food~!” Rigby followed her path.

………………………………………………….

It was night at Pops’s house, movie night was happening.

Five individuals were seated on the floor as they served the first box of pizza they order. Around them, you could see popcorn, table games and even some beer cans and bottle of alcohol already consumed.

“Oh hell yeah, pizza!” Eugene yelled as pizza came by.

Margo was seated on the floor, tasting some of the pieces of pizza that they were so hot, they could steam, making them see much tastier. On his side, in a backwards sense of a clock, you could find: Eugene, Mordecai, Rigby and on his other side, CJ.

“Damn, where do you get these, girls?” said Margo.

“Villa Giulia, that’s one of the few local 100& Italian pizzerias. They’re homemade and they’re made by firewood” said Mordecai.

“You know, CJ? I guess you and I should ask for some, later.” Said Margo.

“Oh… you know we’ll get them” Margo and CJ smile at each other.

“Heh. We should recommend more places like that. We know a lot of local of every kind, because when we need to plan events for the park, we need a little helping hand sometimes, few experts on feasts.” Rigby said.

“Oh, oh~ could you give some contact cards? I think it could be awesome to ask for homemade food once in a while, don’t you think, CJ?” Margo looked with jubilee and excited as his feet were flying trying to talk and imagine one of those plates, above all, the taste of Italian cuisine and noodles of any kind and nationality, they were their favorites. Cloudy James looked surprised and answered immediately.

“Yeah, Margo… we’ll do it. We should change the subject, though; I want to see the movies already. I’ll tell Mordo about information, later.”

“Of course, CJ. Whatever’s up to you, guys, I’ll be always helping!” said Mordecai as he handle a whole slice of pizza to her beak. Her mouth were splat with sauce and cheese that couldn’t stick out of her face: “Huhuhuh I love pizza”

“Rigby, can I talk to you for a moment?”

“Sure, dude”

Before CJ could got up, Margo looked at him with happiness. CJ only gave him a pat on his back and walk to the kitchen, leaving Mordecai, Eugene and Margo together at the living room.

“Um, I will put the movie if you both don’t mind.” Eugene jumped directly to the screen.

“Mordo… now that we’re alone, I…”

“Ha, you will ask me something important or you will talk about that neat slice of pizza down here? ‘Cause I won’t let you take it!”

“Hahaha, no! I want to apologize personally for what I’ve been through the last couple of days” he then take a sip of his bottle of bear “I’ve abandon you all many time, but that will not happen again”.

“That’s cool, Margo! Tell me if that happens again, I wish that you would not bear with the same again.”

“I wish not, it was too hard though. Now, raise that can for me!”

“What, this one? But, that was Rigby’s been drinking.”

“Hahaha! Doesn’t matter… I’ll tell Eugene to give you a new one, a full one, I mean. I can’t take it for myself. Let’s do a toast for my curation!”

“Oh… yeah.”

Mordecai take that can and raise it to the air and the, Margo did the same with his bottle.

“For my good friend, Margo! For a healthy and happy relationship!”

“My friend Mordecai. Wish he will be… always, extraordinary!”

They clash their “glasses” and laugh about the impact. Mordecai’s hand was soaked in alcohol and proceed to clean it over his jeans. Margo kept drinking the whole bottle in one sip, until it was over.

“Huh… I’ll go see what’s going on with CJ” said Margo, before he took up.

On the side of the eating table, CJ was talking with Rigby:

What do you think you’re doing? Talking about food so casually now, Rigby?”

“Of course, I’m the Pizza Queen! Besides, CJ, what’s the matter?”

“Shut it! Margo didn’t get it in the beginning, but I see what you want to say! I won’t let you critize her way of eating!”

“Look, CJ… I swear it’s not what I wished for, ok? It’s a beautiful movie night, why don’t relax and eat some pizza before it gets cold? I only took part of serving the pizza, it was Mordecai’s idea to buy it!”

Of course, deliberately bringing the topic on the table by yourself, isn’t it?” Rigby took a long pause.

“I don’t know what you’ve been drinking the same as I do, but I hope it won’t harm your head, permanently!” she raised her finger, keeping her space, keeping him away  “I want the same happiness for both of you, such as we respect what Margo wants to do”

“Doesn’t look like it”

“Ha! Holy shit! Eugene warned me about this crap”

“You never did. I had to come to the Coffee Shop to force you to do it. It took you too long to follow me and then, you make everything possible to hurt Margo!”

“Oh, it’s so good you bring the topic again, because it doesn’t look like I haven’t make clear exactly how it happen”

“I don’t care, Rigby! I don’t care what you need to say if you hurt him with such rude comments! Be a good friend and leave that crap, okay? Or maybe you have something against him.”

“Me!? Please, I don’t have a problem. Maybe you should think if you don’t have something with me!”

Margo entered to the kitchen, looking for CJ.

“Oh, CJ~! The movie’s starting!”

“I’ve had enough problems to deal with beside you, you little rat! I won’t get tired telling you what because you don’t even listen in the first place!” CJ yelled at Rigby, without finding out Margo was already listening, pretty confused.

“Oh yeah? Like what? You haven’t do anything else to breath over my neck! Completely busy to worry about any other stuff! Crying like a baby every time I speak to Margo about he can eat more than a familiar size pizza!”

“Huh, guys?” Margo, heartbroken, only could hush, failing again in keeping the guys’ attention.

“Better shut your mouth, Rigby! See, that’s the bullshit behavior it makes act like you say!”

“Dude, why won’t you leave Margo to be honest to himself for one time? Accept what he’s doing instead of shutting up and swallow his guilt? Do we need to make the same crap every day? For what? Repeat it again when he fails and so we need to bear how he lock up to his bedroom once he gains weight again?

“Rigby! Stop!” Rigby could see him, but she did not care. CJ’s body was turning dark again.

“CJ!” Hearing that voice, they both immediately look. Margo was calling CJ to calm him down.

“It’s… it’s that what you think?” said Margo to CJ. James preferred to not answer, as she swallow saliva and then, he looked to Rigby.

“I hope you are happy!”

“CJ… look at me!” Margo tried to get closer, acting as a moderator: “Why you didn’t tell me that? You have a problem with Rigby?”

“Wow! What’s been taking so long!?” Suddenly, Mordecai entered, at the same time as Eugene. “Oh no” Mordecai whimpered right when he saw what he thought was going on.

“Well, dude… We’re fucked” Eugene said.

“I’m done, CJ. That’s enough! Listen, Margo, I apologize for the last time we met on the street the other day. If you believe I’ve been a drag all this time, that’s okay for me, I respect that. But you need to listen to me: this path of denial and false optimism you are taking, it will only make to swallow that guilt. You’ve been too depressed lately because you don’t find another way to face your weight gain! And that’s okay, but you should face the problem and accept it, you must talk about that with us! We worry about you and we want you to be happy, we do it for you, fuck’s sake! Mordecai and Eugene are too nice to tell you but we all think the same!”

“Is that true, Mordecai? Eugene?”

Mordecai nodded, felt with such shame. Eugene hide his hand behind his neck, constantly scratching as anxiety.

“And I won’t let CJ, even if he is the one you love, to silence me about it, because I know, this is important for you!”

Margo only looked down and cleaned his wetted eyes. He was almost on the verge of crying.

“Are you done, Rigby? Are you done ruining the night and hurting the person I love?” CJ said.

“I can’t tell if it’s the best, CJ. But sometimes you need to shake things up, facing them. That’s what I need to tell you!”

“I don’t care what you need to say! I don’t care if it’s “right”! I don’t give a damn what you think, Rigby! You don’t only bother to annoy him but even you manage to ruin this beautiful night! Do you have any fucking idea how selfish and hypocritical you act like when you talk about someone’s health!? Eating junk food as you fucking want, huh!? All this time you pretended being a friend, when really, you’re not most than a nasty annoying piece of garbage! It’s over; I won’t let Margo to suffer because a whore piece of shit will tell him how to live his life!”

A gasp of surprise came out of Mordecai mouth.

“Stop talking!” Rigby yelled at CJ, as he run with sadness to the stairs, trying to hide.

“Rigby, Rigby!” Mordecai tried to channel his best friend, to console her.

One arm stood to stop her, making Mordecai to not follow Rigby. “Mordecai, I’ll go see her.”

Mordecai look him at his eyes, with bare tears flowing over his round cheek. His look expresses calm, liberated at last, with conscious back on track and with such a voice it transmits security. Instantly, the blue jay, stop trying.

Following this, Margo took upstairs.

CJ and Mordecai watch how he took every step, cautiously.

“Wow, Rigby has really did it, this time! I told her, again and again and she never listened!”

“Could you please stop?”

“Why? You know, Mordecai, that I’m right!”

“Even if you are, I won’t be your trash can to receive all your complaints, CJ. All this time, Rigby tried to make something good and you did not do nothing else than reduce her and humiliate her. I promise to respect Margo as many times you’ve asked for it, but I will tell you something you are failing to do and I need to remind you again. This is my house and my friend’s as well! And you’re none than guests! So, from now, you will respect her, because if you mess with her, you will mess with me! Leave. Rigby. Alone!”

Words made their effect, CJ gaze for a moment on the ground as he recall what he had done, look back to Mordecai, taking his time and bringing him, the right.

“You are right… I apologize for that, Mordecai. I, didn’t want to say all that, but, it hurts seeing Margo like that.”

“Like everybody here, dude. Do you forget that Rigby was part of this too? You won’t even remember that you compromise their best friends with this conflict, it will only matter for them to make their paces, like It should be done since the beginning.”

In the roof, Rigby stare at the green grass, how it fades away in the dark, loosely attached to the weak horizon was painted by electric light. Remembered with sadness, anything what happen just a few moments ago and sigh as anything shameful come to her head, aching herself for what she has done.

Suddenly, a few steps and a very large figure interrupt his thinking, making her look quick: “Rigby?” Rigby started looking back to the ground.

“Rigby, I’m so sorry. You need to forgive CJ when she acts like that. He doesn’t really mean it when he said those things.”

“Still fucking hurts, man.” Rigby answered very weakly, as she tries to gain composure making a nervous laugh when she confesses it. “That guy roasted my ass in front of everybody” she said, to the point she even shakes in anger when she said it: “It’s not a big deal, but… I guess in some point I should deserve it”.

“Don’t say that, you know it’s not true!” Margo tried to get close to her, keeping him away from the window: “Rigby, you defend your point till the end. Even, you make me change my mind about it, because I know, very deeply, that you’re right. So many days alone in my apartment without seeing my friends, that is wasted time, you know! Rigby, I needed that last talk we had! But, I don’t think you are 100% honest with me. You won’t even had said everything you have in mind, yet!”

Rigby said to Margo: “I can’t simply apologize to you and CJ. I can’t believe how Mordecai and Eugene accept so easily this stuff but when it’s about me, I can’t even shake the comments I receive, every day. I’m not being honest, Margo, I’m jealous! I’m furious because I need to accept everyday how people can call me a fat whore or that I am a sexy bitch! That I could look if I lose weight or that I already see better looking so dumb thick! I’m not going to accept anything from that guy, Margo! I can’t let him to talk about my body like that!”

He cross his arms over his bust and his tail twirl over her legs and her hips, looking shameful to the sky, being embarrassed of her figure.

Margo sighed: “Well, at least we are talking about it. I don’t anyone who is trying to act tough or superior making me convince about something, but now, I can see each other like two equal persons, speaking honestly and with respect, one fear after another.”

“I also think you have been a pretty huge asshole for hiding under your bed because you’ve gained weight”

“Alright, touché. Finally I listen the truth. Rigby, the world it’s already complicated to deal with this, we don’t need that kind of crap between us, even I want to share that I too receive those comments all the time and it hurts so much that what people expect from me, it’s never the same they see with both of their eyes. I get around people, frequently, and I see with pity how as days turns by and I notice how always they force themselves to feel bad about me, how they spend their time as a tragedy and how they must keep in that way to feel sympathy about it, pretending everything’s okay and that my weight it’s not such a matter. Even I know they knew but they simply don’t want to tell me that! They want me to grow up and that I need to spend the rest of the day smiling and that I swallow my own sadness! Why the hell, Mordecai, Eugene and CJ had to lie to me in such way, why do they have to be like this!?

Margo couldn’t help to weep and finally, as flesh, wound recently exposed, pain was flowing from the core of his pain, it run through his face, in the form of a trail of tears. Rigby looked with shame as she was astonished by the intensity of his speech, through the emotion she felt as she saw Margo breaking in tears after finally revealing his anger, her eyes started to way after see him.

Quickly look to the floor to try and connect with his friend, broken in tears.

“Because they love you, Margo! They want to protect you and to be happy with yourself! Even they wish that much more than I could even do it!”

Margo looked at Rigby, a shady figure which was fading because the constant wetting of his pupils. Margo then gasped an ache of angst and pain.

“I’ve never liked you! I hated you since you met Mordecai and I hated you as you gain his trust and friendship! And now I can’t even bear CJ as since you are together! But I know you like Mordecai and Eugene it’s your best friend! I won’t let this friendship to die because I’m only mad and that I am such a piece of garbage and that I am such a fat crybaby!

“Rigby…” Margo covered her in his arms giving him a strong hug, reducing her pain and calming her by his conflicted conscious, Rigby was shaken by the quick and warm affect which she means a lot to her “you’ve gained my respect as someone I can completely trust! Just like any of us! Sometimes, if words don’t work, we must just hug it out to calm such violence”.

Rigby looked at Margo and closed her eyes, without helping to say something: “So? Is this what we are doing, now? This hug is really happening?”

“Yes. This hug it’s already happening and I won’t stop until you get proud to be yourself” Tears flowed finally through Rigby’s face, in a little range. Rigby then, quickly clean her eyes with her hand.

“Stop it~ you can leave now. Keep your hands out me! Don’t be gay!”

“Perfect, Rigby. Come on down, we need to end the night”.

“Sure, with all this noise? You won’t think we need to be cautious”

“When does that stops you anyway, Rigby?” Margo smiled at him, very witty, as Rigby couldn’t help return it him leaving a little laugh.

“Ha! Look at yourself! I won’t ever apologize for what I’ve done!” Rigby raised her finger.

“I know. That’s why you are my friend.” Margo get inside the house by the window and Rigby quickly followed her.

Meanwhile, down there, Mordecai, CJ y Eugene walk silently waiting for the consequences of the talk, when suddenly, they listened right from the stairs how Margo walk down to there.

Margo runs to hug CJ, as he sighs with relief how great the young robin looked since he came upstairs:

“Margo!” his wording was interrupted as Margo run to hug him very passionate.

“Don’t worry CJ; I’m happy as I’ll ever be, we should keep with the movie night!”

“Sure, Margo, as you want” Margo then took his place in front of the screen.

But then, Rigby’s feet were seen for the guest downstairs, she silently stared at his friends reunited without looking to gaze upon CJ’s eyes, which he looked with fear waiting for the next reaction. Rigby looked at his eyes and CJ couldn’t help to start breaking in tears:

“Rigby… I… I’m sorry for what I tell you. I was very bad to you for offending you like that and-”

“Ugh! CJ, stop crying! We had enough tears to resolve the third world crisis!

Margo explode in laughter as CJ looked in confusion to his couple, Mordecai only smiled with pride for what was happening, CJ could not help to look at her as well. Only then, he could understand that the only think she could do, was to get closer and give her a strong hug.

“Thank you, Rigby” he confessed by hushing on her ear.

“There, there. You are forgiven.” Rigby make a hand sign; give a pat over his back. “Well… there’s more pizza left?”

“Like three boxes!” said Eugene pointing at the table.

“Go for them, young Roberts! Mister Smith, anything for the lady?”

“Bring soda”

“Make it two glasses. In the rocks.” CJ answered. They looked at each other and they smiled, as they both keep hugging each other.

“I’ll help with the drinks, dude, before we start to the screening” said Mordecai.

“Oh, yeayuh! Of course, pal!” said Rigby.

Eugene put the pizza in place and Rigby’s and Mordecai’s feet move right to the drinks and the cups, ¼ of the plastic content were filled with ice, just right before to start.

The sound of transmission starts to be heard over the TV after the snap of a button from the remote control. When the movie started, only the force of sound editing and the movie soundtrack was silenced by the strength and strike of the sizzle of a recent opened 3 liters bottle of soda.

“Fzzzzzzzz” was the sound it made, as the private screening of five friends was starting, inside the house, without knowing any problem from the exterior world, in a pretty tasty movie night.

[hannahvsana]

Some thoughts

It's like 11pm and I'm hella tired but I've been trying to think of reasons why this is happening and just observing my thoughts towards everything. -I'm really stressed with school, I'm failing biology badly, and when I'm stressed it opens the door for a multitude of bad thoughts. -I feel pathetic and frustrated that my victories are becoming smaller and smaller. Which is discouraging and makes me wonder what's the point in trying. It also becomes a cycle because the feelings of weakness get worse with each meal and each anxiety-inducing situation, which spirals until a snap every week or so. -I think I starting going downhill around November time; I restricted for the first time in a long time (I can't remember the trigger), which carried on till my sugars dropped really low and my mum was thinking about calling an ambulance. -The habits crept in slowly, and I thought it could handle it (in a fighting way at some points, but looking back I think it was in a quasi way, maintaining habits thinking that I'm in control). By the time I realised what was happening, it was too much to handle, exacerbating the situation. -The more the habits creep in, the harder it is to try and keep it all under control, which mixed with school, is very stressful. Then the more drained I am, the weaker my fighting gets. And the weaker it gets, the stronger the voice and the urges. The actual 'me' knows that the voice isn't real, but it's so convincing and tempting to let the habits carry on; I hate to say it but I feel so much more secure with it. Then even typing this, I realise how fucked up that is, again increasing the frustration. -Which leads me to think, am I even trying at all anymore? I'm eating when I really want to stop so I must be, and even typing this I'm being yelled at to stop, to keep quiet and let it be. But I feel like I subconsciously let myself slip because I feel safer like this. -I've lost a lot over the last month, I don't post numbers, but now I'm scared to gain again. I hate my body now so what will it be like when I'm WR again. -Last year I was weight restored, I've done it once, so again it's frustrating that I can't handle doing what i used to be able to. Im also frustrated that 2years into recovery im now being threatened with IP, i feel like I've let my therapist down, and my family and friends. -If i was to go IP, which hopefully won't be the case, they'll all be smaller than me. It's not that I'm too thin, it's the fact I've nosedived in recovery so fast that is worrying my therapist (and me). So I don't think I'd be able to handle that very well. -My therapist is trusting me this week to stick to my meal plan before my weigh in in the 10th. But I feel like I can't trust myself; my willpower is so low now that I don't think I can stick to my plan without breaking down or cheating on it. I know it's technically my choice to cheat or not, which makes me hate myself for it even more, but I'm feeling so drained at the moment that I'm not thinking clearly. -I feel like my ed habits and perfectionism are manifesting themselves in my everyday life. Yesterday in my art lesson my tutor sat down and told me that my work production is decreasing because I'm become fixated on making my pages look perfect. I never noticed it before she told me to stop obsessing (she was kind about it) but it makes me panic that my personality is changing again. Thinking about it this has been happening quite a lot. If my room is messing, it instantly drops my mood, and I plan my weekends in lists so that it's structured otherwise I feel useless by the end of the day. Ive always been a perfectionist, but taking a step back and looking at the situation, I get so stressed about small things I didn't use to. -I'm feeling really out of it, like I'm sort of floating through the day. I half-napped through 2 lessons today and I didn't talk to many people. I was meant to meet my mum's new boyfriend earlier, which I kinda did, but I couldn't stay downstairs and I'm scared that he thinks I'm really rude. Likewise, I'm scared that my mum has told his everything. I love her, but she almost uses my personal life as a conversation starter or a sob story. She got in touch with an old friend recently and said friend keeps telling me she's always there to talk. Meaning that my mum has told her. -I basically feel rather useless. Although I was so much worse physically at the start of my recovery, I felt like I could fight and get better. Now, I feel like I can't and I'm genuinely scared of losing control. I feel like I'm (and I hate to use the phrase because it's really hypocritical) not sick enough for all this worry. Many of my healthy friends are smaller than me anyway, and it's my fault for letting my recovery slack to a point where I'm struggling to regain control over it. At the same time i know it's mentally bad and i low-key need help. Idk anymore, it's almost midnight now so my mind is rambling. I think it's good though sometimes to allow my thoughts to jump around and write them down as they come. Sorry that was long, incoherent and probably contradicting. I wrote literally what I thought of next, like I was rambling but non verbally. I feel a bit better sectioning my thoughts and not have them floating around incoherently