#in the same way i take meds for other mental health struggles physical transition is the medication for dysphoria

[ettucamus]

aggression against trans people is truly so exhausting like of course there are abrasive and loud trans people on the internet but for the most part. actual trans people are just trying to go about our days managing this very personal struggle while trying not to get hatecrimed. and so much of the discourse about being trans is so removed from what it’s like to be a trans person irl.

[geekkatsblog]

Grey's Anatomy season 17×06 Review

(How the f**k they just gonna leave me on read like this till March 4th)

The episode was a rollercoaster but something tells me the real ride is going to happen from the next episode.

___________________________________________

Maggie

I knew Winston was gonna show up in person at some point or the other. When he dropped the long distance wasn't working line and put the phone down in her ear so he could get some 'eggs' I knew he was in Seattle, good for her she's going to need him to lean on seeing that Mer freaking crashed again. At least she'll have somebody there for her because all her other support is personally attached to Meredith as well.

Besides Winston turning up, treating Tom and her being understandably giddy at Mer being awake there was also a scene where she educated Amelia on some things now I won't get into the details again but I'm just in love with the fact that Grey's isn't afraid to touch on controversial topics, they use their large platform to raise awareness and their speeches are always on point.

___________________________________________

Teddy/Owen

(She needed the time off more than Bailey did tbh)

My God was it satisfying when Richard literally just tore into her. She put herself in the situation and is now taking her anger out on others which is really in poor taste. Poor Helm, I hope she didn't take it personally. At this point it's her time to annoy me, I miss the season 6 Teddy, hopefully she redeems herself soon. After being torn apart by Webber's words she then proceeds to make things worst by revealing yet another big secret to Owen at work. (At least this time it was on purpose.) She just needs to take some time away and think on what she really wants and needs to reflect before spontaneously starting potentially life changing conversations. First it was telling Tom they had a chance then it was telling Owen that she still loves him and the kids while also revealing that she named their daughter after not only her best friend but also the woman that she was very much in love with. Pick a struggle Teddy at this point she's seeming confused more than anything else.

___________________________________________

Owen

For the past few seasons Owen was one of the characters getting on my nerves but lately he's been fine. He hasn't redeemed himself yet but his probation is going fine. Watching this show really shows how good of a person a doctor has to be in order to follow the ethical guidelines. If I had that scum bag for a patient I would have literally just pretended to fail at saving him and let the guy die, (guess that's why the Lord made me suck at Chemistry and Physics) his response to Bob about him being at the devils barbecue was badass, gave me serious season 5 Owen vibes or vibes like when he punched that guy out for disrupting the ER when he was chief, Major Hunt reporting for duty.

As for him and Teddy I can get why he was upset, her he was about to attempt to make amends at probably rekindling a friendship or maybe their relationship and she revels that your daughter is named after her lover, she could have atleast told him that when they were in the naming process, he deserved to know exactly who his child was being named after. I'm kinda a bitch but there was no way I'd feel comfortable having my child named after my partner's lover. On the other hand he should hear her out he has literally cheated twice and both times he sat and was able to share his side of the story and the woman he was with listened to his explanations. Teddy deserves as much, it might hurt but he did the same and Karma unfortunately is still a bitch.

___________________________________________

Bailey

(I just wanted to give her a hug the whole night.)

She has a really unhealthy habit of working through her grief, first her miscarriage and now through the death of her mom. I'm honestly sad that Ben had to be the one to comfort Tuck and tell him his grandmother had even died (she's always so busy, Ben is pratically the one raising him at this point.) And I'm also upset that I haven't gotten to see Ben being there for her either. I'm assuming it might be a protocol on the sets.

At least she took time off of the cases, I understand why she didn't want to go home as a doctor she has the highest risk of transporting the virus, but her mind understandably wasn't going to be in the doctoring game. I really thought they were gonna make her freeze up and accidentally kill a patient or something, but at least they didn't go down that line. And what even happened to her dad? did he take the Covid test? Wheres he staying now? Is he safe?

The conversations between her and Deluca were sweet, it's another unexpected friendship, before the only one she really disclosed any details of her life with was Richard but now they're opening her support group which is fine. I'm also glad that Deluca was able to look past the whole fiasco last season and hold no grudges. She has now fully redeemed herself completely, she's still my all time favorite character but from season 13 to probably mid season 16 she really had some storylines and scenes that irked me to watch and made me question some things, but now she's back on track at least to me.

Also I know that Richard is the chief of chiefs but how are they just gonna let him take back over the surgery unit like that again? I mean I did miss him as chief but now Bailey just basically seems like a regular old surgeon with a fancy office, idk it just seems kinda weird to me.

___________________________________________

Jackson

Not only carrying on the work and teachings of Mark Sloan but also using his boatload of cash to rescue a patient's mother from racist police who should have been the ones actually in prison. That was basically it for him though.

___________________________________________

Jo

Oml I honestly almost forgot she was even really in the episode. She had so little screen time. She's still in the middle of transitioning to OB. I have no issue with that because OB's still can do surgery, so we'll still get to see her and she'll be happy again plus it's about time that Grey's cashes in that Regulars card on Carina. We see her on Station 19 as an accessory I want to see the Jo and Carina tag team.

___________________________________________

Amelia

Not really much in this episode. No content with Link she just did surgery to save the scum with Owen. They may have made a mediocre couple but they work good as friends. Also I'm assuming she's off of maternity leave now? Did they mention that I'm not sure but she's back now.

___________________________________________

Richard

Not much of a storyline, he made the decision to put Meredith on the Vent and is busy running the hospital as the chief of the hospital again I guess. And also spitting the much needed facts that Teddy needed to hear.

___________________________________________

Tom

They're finally showing more of Tom's good side, I mean I always liked him and saw the potential in his character but they never really showed his soft side for a prolonged period like they did today. May I just say I enjoyed his and Meredith's friendly banter they have the same lowkey dark humor and at least it would have taken their minds off of being sick especially for him because he basically has no one else. Hearing him open up about his son and expressing how he'd do anything to hear him say dad again was sad I can only imagine his pain. Meredith was his reason for holding on especially after he had to witness his roommate die from Covid, the same thing he's suffering from right before his eyes and now Mer back unconscious this time with a tube down her throat I'm just really hoping that he keeps the faith, the last thing we need is a death right now.

___________________________________________

Meredith

(God damn it Mer all you had to do was stay awake.)

For a few brief moments all was right with the world Meredith was awake and everyone was happy and then she just had to go be Wonder Woman and over exert herself, but that's the thing they would have probably needed armed guards at the doors to keep her from putting someone else's life above her own, its one of her best qualities and at times one of her worst. I knew it was too good to be true when she was awake and laughing. It was giving me Mark Sloan final episode vibes. They better not kill her off that would be the worst ending for me, what about the kids? Step off the damn beach Mer you've gone through too much to let Covid take you out. On the other hand this gives us more beach scenes. It's more unlikely to have a live character return but there's still lots of dead ones to choose from, her mother is always a likely suspect, Denny loved being on the show and I think Breaking bad had its final season, Mark is a toss up based on how he cut ties with the show and Lexie is also a toss up because she is filming Supergirl in another country, however anything is possible with Grey's. I thought the beach scenes were over because she was waking up but look how wrong I was. All I hope is that they don't kill her off its unlikely because she's the main character but still its Grey's they like to go out with a bang.

___________________________________________

Deluca

I left him for last because to me he really did have the biggest storyline of the night.

Firstly I'm glad to see that at least part of the earliers season's Deluca has returned. I loved him as the passionate, badass and almost cocky guy as well but I always missed his more compassionate and softer side more. I'm glad to see it back and I'm also glad to see that he's taking his meds and resting, and I can confirm that having support is a needed factor in treating mental health. As strange as it was seeing the Bailey and Deluca chat it's good that they both have each other. They both suffer from mental illnesses and can relate to each other on a different level. They have me wondering now if they're going to use his mental health issues as a way to separate him and Mer, or use it as the reason why he pursued her, kinda like how they tried to blame Amelia's tumor for her bad decisions and then used it to break her and Owen up. I guess we'll just have to see where Merluca will go from here or if it will manifest Merhaynes instead.

Now onto the big stuff, the whole sex trafficking thing the whole episode I was literally yelling at the tv for either Deluca, Bailey or Carina to see that bitch, the moment it was connected that the kidnapper was involved in trafficking and she showed up I knew shit was about to go down. My heart was racing when I saw her with Schmitt. I really thought she was going to attack him with how sus she was being, luckily she had to go to avoid further suspicion. They need to put security on those girls' door. They've been through enough. If she goes to finish off Bob then no one cares but the girls don't deserve to go through anything else and Deluca after seeing her decided to go after him himself instead of calling the police, granted the police wasn't doing anything helpful but the last thing we need is for him to go after her himself like Superman and trying to save the day. At least Carina went with him so she can help talk him down if necessary but there's only so much she can do.

___________________________________________

There are too many damn superheroes in that hospital.

___________________________________________

My questions are:

• Will both Tom and Meredith make it out of the Covid sickness or will one or even both of them die?

• Will Teddy finally make her mind up so that the Teddy, Tom and Owen love triangle can finally have an ending?

• Who the hell is coming to the beach next? And can they tell Meredith to get her ass off of the beach and never return until she's like 80?

• Will Superman, I mean Deluca save the day without needing medical attention afterwards? Or worst yet needing a casket?

• Is Jo actually switching specialties?

• Are they going to go after the girls or kill Bob instead?

• How is it going to go with Maggie and Winston now that he has arrived in person?

• And lastly and most importantly what am I supposed to do with my Thursday nights until March 4th.

[davenzi-recs]

While we wait for the waves to slow down    

Author: gaynebula

Summary:

Matteo is struggling with his mental health, and although he goes to therapy and takes his meds daily, he still needs something to make his body less lethargic. At his therapist's suggestion he tries to find a physical activity, and he finds himself at the entrance to a communal swimming pool, not sure what to do.

David has always loved swimming, but he hasn't gone into the water since long before he started to transition. Still, he takes a part time job as a life guard at a swimming facility not far from his and Laura's flat, needing the income to pay the rent. When a boy he's never seen before comes by his work, looking as out of place as David too often feels, he can't help but reach out.

Contains: Struggles with mental health, description of dysphoria, and two gay dorks falling in love.

Info:  60k | Teen and Up | Getting together, cuddling

Notes: I commented on one of the chapters that this is my emotional comfort fic and that is all you need to know! Reading it felt like a tight, warm hug. This fic really has a unique atmosphere to it. I’m probably going to reread it all the time.

Sneak Peak:

Matteo slowly makes his way through the entrance doors, shuffling inside as he sees a reception desk with some swimming goggles on display at the front. He doesn't think he'll need to buy any, but the thoughts of unwritten rules and social codes he doesn't know how to decipher still hits him, and he's ready to have a minor freak out over not knowing what he's doing when he hears a careful cough that's enough to catch his attention. When he looks up to see who caused it, all Matteo can find are two brown eyes already set on him.

"Can I help you with something?"

Matteo tries to remember any of the uncertainties he's been carrying around in his head, anything regarding swimming and public pools and locker rooms, but for once, his mind is blissfully quiet. Instead, Matteo's brain seems to focus on the sight before him; a guy almost the same height as Matteo, but with skin much darker than the paleness of his own, and damp, dark curls pushed back from his face.

Then he remembers where he is, and why he is there - and if he ever wants to come here again, he needs to be able to talk to the person at the other side of the desk.

"Uh, yeah, I… I want to swim, but I don't really know" Matteo rambles, and drifts off, not sure how to articulate how unsure he feels about all of this.

But the person opposite him just tilts his head a bit to the side, like he's trying to use psychic powers to figure out what Matteo wants, and offers a small smile that does nothing to help Matteo's brain with focusing.

"I don't have a membership or anything" Matteo continues, deciding it's as good place as any to start. He really should have looked into this place before he got here, so that he could at least look like he wasn't completely helpless, but he also knows his therapist would tell him these kinds of thoughts are pretty unhelpful, so he tries to let it go.

"That's okay" the guy answers, and Matteo notices how his nerves calm a little at the sound of his voice. "I'll help you out."

[glolovescats]

A story of me and my history. My experiences.

CW - trauma, sexual assault, mental health struggles (ADHD, BPD, OCPD, Depression, PTSD, Autism??), self harm, addiction, psychological abuse

.

.

I’m 27 years old, non binary, AFAB. I am the older middle child of 4, all of my siblings are brothers.

I’ve been diagnosed with ADHD, BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder), OCPD (Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder) and most recently PTSD.

My first psych evaluation was when I was 5 years old, and I have recently found the notes from that evaluation and they point to early onset BPD traits as well as ADHD.  Though it is stated repeatedly throughout the notes that they could not complete a full assessment because I refused to participate in any activity or or engage with anything that I deemed “too difficult” instead spending more time on the things that I was comfortable with such as painting.

My favourite lines from the assessment are as follows:

“If she is not motivated by an activity, she trends to wander off physically and mentally.  However if interested, she can concentrate for long periods of time.”

 “*Deadname* was a great talker and loved to tell stories on and off topic. She had a keen sense of her own capabilities and was often self-critical of her work stating ‘it does not look good.’ It was very difficult to change her mind and she appeared to want to be in control of the situation.”

I remember after this assessment being medicated for ADHD for a few months. My parents called them my “hyper pills” because if I was hyper it meant I probably hadn’t taken them..... yikes.

After those few months, for whatever reasons my parents took me off the medication.

I have had a very intense oral fixation since a very young age, biting my nails for as long as I remember and being a thumb-sucker, not just during sleep but during awake hours as well, until I was 9 years old.

When I was 11 I began self harming, as a way to release my emotional energy and tensions and soothe myself.

When I was 13 I told my mom about my self harming, at which point she sent me to a psychiatrist again. I was again diagnosed with ADHD and put on medication, which I remained on until my second year of college when I decided I didn’t want to be medicated anymore.  As a teen, I continued to self harm but hid it from my mom as she was very critical and cruel in her reactions to it.  Anytime I had emotional outbursts (which was, fairly often) I would be asked “have you taken your meds today!!?” as if that would solve everything going on.  I spent many hours curled up in a ball in my closet crying, sobbing, feeling like I was going to explode, then hurting myself to calm down.

When I left home for college, I developed anorexia. I stopped cutting myself, but began hitting myself repeatedly until bruises formed, then maintaining those bruises over long periods of time as a new form of self harm.  It was also in this time that my love of cannabis started to really form (I had enjoyed it as well as a teen, but in limited capacities as I lived with parents who I had to hide it from, and they were quite controlling over my social life and free time)

After 2 years of college, my first queer partner, whom I still feel very fondly for and maintain a very strong friendship with, noticed not only my eating disorder but also my self harm habit, and convinced me to seek help.  A few months later I went to my doctor and was diagnosed with Depression and Anxiety, and put back on medications.  I was 19 then, I am 27 now and still on that same medication, though the dose has varied throughout the years depending on my emotional state.

I went through some other relationships, some healthy, some less so.

I became more and more in love with cannabis. SPending what little money I had on it. “Borrowing” some from friends and lovers. Smoking when I woke up, in the afternoon, and before bed, sometimes throughout all hours of the day.

When I was 23 I fell in love with a man named Derek. It was the first cis man I had ever truly fallen in love with, and that love became... toxic. Obsessive. At the time I would have called it passionate but I know now that it was very unhealthy.  I put everything in my life aside for him. I risked pregnancy not because I wanted a child (I never have) but because I wanted to make sure he would never leave me.  This is also when my love of cannabis solidified into an addiction.  I was using it to cope with the pain of being so desperately in love with someone who, wasn’t very good at catering to my needs, to put it lightly. He was a dealer at the time, this was before it became legalized in Canada so dealers were still very much needed.  So I always had access to it, and for free or cheap.  We would wake up in the middle of the night and go smoke a couple bowls before heading back into bed. We smoked all day every day, it was what our relationship revolved around.  We would also take large amounts of MDMA on the weekends and go out dancing from midnight to 8 or 9am at the after hours clubs, then go home and smoke to ease the come down. This gave me a love for MDMA which is a terrible thing for someone with low serotonin to begin with.

Nearly two years into our relationship, my friends started to notice that I wasn’t being treated well, that I was always hurting, always longing for more from him, and always pushing aside my needs to accommodate him.  They begged me to leave him.  I was having breakdowns, even with my antidepressants. I was self harming again. I was having rage blackouts. I was hurting.  A few months later, he broke up with me.  I begged him not to. I promised I could be right for him. We just had to try. He didn’t want to try.

Now, 4 years later, I’m so glad he didn’t. Yes, my heart was shattered in that moment, yes it sent me on a spiral, but I see now how toxic the relationship was and he is not anything like the person I would want to be with for life.

At that time I was living in towns on the outskirts of Toronto, but his dumping me gave me the push I needed to move to into the city, which I did, y months later. March 15th 2017.  Moving to Toronto meant more freedom, more access to all the things that made me happy - a queer community, a polyam community *I discovered Polyamoury about 2 months after our breakup and realized how much I needed it*, more job opportunities, more diversity and acceptance.  It also meant higher rent, higher weed prices as I was now buying from dispensaries, higher transit costs and generally higher cost of living.  Some of my new friends were sex workers and it... appeared enticing for me.  however I didn’t feel close enough with these friends yet to ask details about safety, vetting, standards, etc.

Well, I decided to get into sex work for myself, without really knowing what i was getting into.  I’m not going to get into much detail here because my PTSD stems directly from these experiences and I don’t want to trigger myself right now.  But I spent 2 years working as a Sugar Baby and Full Service Sex Worker.  I did not have standards. I was driven by my need to maintain my weed habit - which was at least 2 grams/day - so on average about $600/month or more.  I didn’t take safety into mind more than letting my roommate know the given name and phone number of the person I was meeting up with.  This led to... a lot of fucked up situations. A lot of pain and trauma. I was constantly high, which allowed my to dissociate while these things were happening to me and suppress the memories quite quickly. By this time in my addiction, I was never NOT stoned.  On top of that I would occasionally take MDMA before or during a date to maintain a peppy mood and appearance.  On March 1st 2019, after realising that I wasn’t even making money off of all of it, I was driven far into debt by trying to maintain appearances and a lifestyle that i just couldn’t afford, and a realization that I was dissociating whenever I was being intimate with a client OR a friend or loved one... I decided to leave the industry. It’s been over a year now.

In the first year of my living in Toronto I saw a psychiatrist about my mental instability, my rage blackouts, my obsessiveness. I was diagnosed with BPD and put on a mood stabilizer, which I admit has helped a lot in terms of my heightened emotions and rage problems.

During those first 2 years in Toronto, I was also in a queer, polyam relationship with a person named Laurel.  At first i was drawn to their softness, their creativity, their ability to be vulnerable with me and others.  Eventually, that vulnerability became co dependance. They used me as a crutch, they took all of my emotional energy for themselves and never gave any in return.  While I was being traumatized, I was also supporting them through their mental health struggles and ignoring my own. They had a bad habit of disregarding and stomping all over my boundaries. even after we would discuss them and i would make compromises. I was being abused by this inherently toxic person (I say that, having many friends who have witnessed and felt the toxicity from this person as well). By April 2019 I was drained, I was traumatized, I was falling into a pit and being pushed down even further by the person who claimed to love me.  When I tried to set boundaries I was met with threats of suicide, manipulating me into staying with them longer.  But eventually I started to see through it and I just couldn’t anymore. I ended it. Which was met with a lot of cruelty and more manipulation to the point where eventually I had to just block them from every form of contact and move on.

Throughout the year after that, my weed habit maintained, and got even more intense, going up to closer to 3 grams/day and including concentrates and edibles as well.  I was always high. Always numb. I couldn’t remember anything. I couldn’t focus during conversations even if I was really interested in what we were talking about. I couldn’t stay awake, I would pass out while hanging out with friends, while on public transit, in movie theatres.. anywhere. I could hardly get out of bed in the mornings and when I did I would go straight for the bong.

I was constantly fatigued and I felt numb. I didn’t want to believe my precious cannabis could be doing this to me though, so I begged my doctor to refer me to a psych to discuss changing medications, assuming it was my meds giving me these side effects.  That psychiatrist diagnosed me with OCPD, saying that he believes this is what has always caused the depression and anxiety, and he also diagnosed me with CUD - Cannabis Use Disorder - essentially a fancy way of saying I’m an addict and my drug of choice is cannabis.  He told me that he would not touch my meds until I either drastically cut back my usage or stopped altogether.

I was devastated, I hated the idea of having to not smoke weed anymore. And I knew I would HAVE to stop altogether because my many many many attempts in the past to cut back were never successful. I knew then that I was an addict, just like my alcoholic father, my alcoholic and cocaine addict younger brother. I knew I had the gene too.

I discovered MA - Marijuana Anonymous, which is like AA  or NA but for stoners.  My dad had been sober for 11 years with the help of rehab and AA so I figured I would give it a shot.  I smoked my last bowl on February 29th, I went to my first meeting on March 1st.  I haven’t smoked or consumed any cannabis products since. It’s over 4 months now. I also made the conscious decision to be sober from alcohol as in the past my attempts at smoking less weed led to drinking more alcohol.  I know I need to fight my addiction as an entire entity, not just as one substance.

In the past 4 months I’ve been through a lot of ups and downs.  Not only with sobriety, but with the pandemic hitting Canada mid march, forcing me out of work and stuck at home, it’s had both positive and negative effects.  My first month of sobriety I was fairly manic, I wasn’t as hazy and groggy and fatigued, I had also just started taking Vyvanse - a stimulant - for my ADHD. So I was very motivated and I was cleaning and creating and doing all these things I could with my free time.  Then about a month and a half into it I started to get physically depressed - I say it that way because my mind felt ok. IO wasn’t having catastrophic thinking or suicidal ideation or desires to self harm - but I was feeling very avoidant and sleeping and napping so much more. Two months in, my memories that I had been suppressing with the constant high started to come through to my conscious. Sometimes they were childhood or teen memories, which I could mostly cope with.  But then came the memories from the sex work. The traumatic experiences. The shame that surrounds them.  I was having invasive thoughts. I would lay my head down to sleep and suddenly be in flashbacks.  I had known for a long time (about a year, since leaving the industry) that I was triggered into panic attacks by intimacy and touch, but I didn’t know exactly what was causing those panic attacks. I just knew that touch made me feel so unsafe.  Well, now I knew why. One night I called my sponsor, crying, stuck in a loop of flashbacks and memories and feeling like I couldn’t breathe.  And then the words just flowed out of me, I said “I think maybe I have PTSD”.  Luckily for me, I already had a follow up appointment with my psychiatrist scheduled for the next week. I told him everything that was happening, that I was remembering things but then getting stuck in flashbacks and shame and cycling thoughts. He then diagnosed me with PTSD. He suggested we go back up to a slightly higher dose of my antidepressant while maintaining my other medications (I’m still on the mood stabilizer and the stimulant) and urged me to find ongoing therapy. My sponsor had sent me a link to a group of psychotherapists who work on a low budget sliding scale, so I referred myself to them and within 48 hours had a free 50 minute consultation scheduled.

Where am I now?

Struggling with the invasive thoughts which make me feel depressed, but knowing where they stem from is helpful.  Awaiting my therapy consultation which is in a couple of days, hoping it’s a good match and that we can start speaking weekly or every other week depending on cost.

For a while now I’ve been trying to decipher whether I really do have ADHD< BPD and OCPD all blended together, or if I’m really autistic, because so many of my traits and symptoms overlap with autism.  I’m doing my research now on traits of autism and seeing where I identify.  I doubt I would ever get a diagnosis, as doctors would rather believe we have all these other disorders rather than autism (stigma), but to know where I feel I fit would be helpful.  I have some friends on the spectrum and I’ve reached out to them to discuss as well.  My youngest bother is autistic but he really fits the “autistic teen boy” stereotypes which I do not.  And I understand that autism can present very differently in different genders and different people.  Personally, I believe I may be Autistic and have PTSD. But I will continue to pursue ongoing therapy, as well as DBT therapy, to address my behaviours and see where I can learn to cope better.

I am probably the most single polyam person you could meet. I have no intention of dating, though I do have a couple crushes I intend to grow strong friendships with, until I have learned to cope with the PTSD and intimacy triggers. In a way it’s as if I am currently feeling asexual, because even the thought of kissing someone I like triggers me into a panic.  But I don’t believe that I will feel this way forever so I don’t use asexual as an identifier or label for myself.  I am not working, though still technically employed, my job is in the travel industry and we don’t expect to have enough meaningful work to return to until at least the fall.  When i do return to work I’ll be doing so remotely, as will most of the employees of our company. So I have less transit expenses, less time constraints, and more freedom to focus on myself and my personal development.  I’ve made this tumblr to explore and learn more about autism in adults. As well as to have something to do and distract myself with when i start to enter a depressive cycle.  SO this blog will be a mix of mental health and neuro-divergent info posts, along with cute animals, selfies, travel photos, and maybe a little shit posting - as a treat.

Welcome, and thank you for reading my story.  If you have any questions or relate to any of it and want to chat, my inbox is open.

[dynamic-instability]

Hi, I just finished my freshman year in premed and my grades were horrible (like C average) and it was because I'm just not good at science in college like I was in hs... I'm so tired all the time and like I don't have chronic illness or anything and so I know it's not even like what you went through and maybe I'm stupid for complaining but I just don't know if I can keep doing this. I've wanted to be a doctor all my life, how do I give up on that dream??

(2/3) I just feel like I’m giving up and letting down everyone who expects things of me but when I think about things like having to get volunteer and shadowing hours I just feel like I’m panicing and it’s just this crushing weight and maybe I’m just not good enough but like how do I give up?? Doesn’t that make me weak?? My grades in other stuff like my history classes and even in calc were good but gen chem and gen bio fucking killed me I’ve always been a good student idk what to do now

(3/3) I’m sorry for sending this long thing that probably doesn’t even make sense and you dealt with so much shit with your sickness and stuff and you got really good grades obviously and I don’t even have anything like that, I’m just not good at school anymore?? I just know I need to make a change if I’m gonna do this premed thing and you’ve had to think about in the past what you’d do if you can’t be a doctor. I guess I just wanted your advice sorry this is so long lol I’m kinda freaking out

Oh my sweet bb anon. The first thing to do is to take a breath. The second thing to do is to stop comparing yourself to me or to anyone. Don’t start down that road of who has it harder and who is overcoming more, because that’s just not a productive line of thinking, okay? I’ve been there, I’ve done that to myself, it doesn’t lead anywhere good. Your struggles are your own struggles, and whatever you choose to do, it is valid. It does not make you weak.

There’s kind of a lot to unpack here so I’m just going to do my best.

I think the biggest question you have to ask here is whether you still genuinely want to be a doctor. So you’re struggling in your science classes, that’s okay, some C’s in freshman year don’t have to stop you. Just because your first year was hard, it doesn’t mean it won’t improve, and that’s true for a bunch of reasons. The material, for one thing: I didn’t like gen chem, but I loved orgo, and I know a lot of people for whom that’s been the case (it depends on how into quantitative thinking you are, I think). Also, intro-level bio classes can sometimes be the hardest because you have to learn a whole new vocabulary and way of thinking, but then once you have those skills it can get a lot easier. Also, regardless of your field of study, the first year of college is hard socially and academically, it’s a rough adjustment. I don’t know you, but maybe your mental health suffered from the stress and the transition, or maybe you just didn’t have the study skills yet because your high school coursework didn’t demand them. A couple bad grades does not mean you’re unable to do this.

What worries me more is that you said things like “I’m tired all the time” and “it feels like this crushing weight.” A look back through this blog will tell you I’ve had my share of feeling like this, and that not all of it can be attributed to chronic fatigue. But at least when it came to bio, I’ve always loved the material. Even when it was killing me, I love biology. I love biology and medicine so much that I do shit like writing a completely unnecessary 50-page lit review about cholera. I love a lot of other things, too, like music and history and linguistics, but nothing makes me happy like medicine makes me happy. If you love it and you’re struggling, you don’t need to give up, you just need to find better strategies for doing well. Find a tutor, work with classmates, find new study/organizational skills, retake some courses if you failed them. And there are going to be some courses in your prereqs that you just won’t like (see: me and physics) and that doesn’t have to stop you. The courses you take in undergrad are not necessarily reflective of everything to come. But if you hate science? Don’t put yourself through this. It isn’t worth it.

Here’s the thing. There is such a thing as a weed-out class, and that’s not necessarily a bad thing. Being “weeded out”, so to speak, doesn’t have to mean you’re not good enough, it can just mean that you’re figuring out what is and is not a good fit for you. My friend @carminapiranha went through this her freshman year, suffered through a year of pre-med where she struggled and was miserable before admitting it was not what she wanted. She has a degree in art history, and is about to go get a master’s degree. There was a girl I knew freshman year who was sure she was going to be a surgeon, but she got a D in gen bio 1 because the class didn’t make sense to her and made her miserable. She got an MBA and is making like hella money now. 

You can change your mind, that is a valid decision. It doesn’t have to mean you’re giving up, it doesn’t have to mean you’re weak, it can just mean you’re looking for something that’s a better fit for you. You said you did well in history classes, but did you also like them? What was your favorite class you’ve taken? I know there are some degrees that feel more “useless” than others, and it would be naive of me to claim that that doesn’t matter when college is so freakin expensive, but honestly? Very few people get jobs directly in the field of their degrees. People end up doing totally random jobs all the time. Maybe there’s something else that’s a better fit for you. If there is, you should go and do that!

So I guess my question is this: why are you trying so hard to stay pre-med? Is it because this is what you want and you can’t see yourself being fulfilled the same way doing anything else? For me, that’s the wall I come up against every time I quit being pre-med (which has happened like… three times now?) If that’s the case then maybe look at alternate careers in the medical field (I myself have thought extensively about becoming a genetic counselor–similar academic requirements, but not as harsh in terms of training, and probably not quite as competitive as far as undergraduate GPA), or you can just keep pushing towards this goal and try to find better ways of studying. As for the extracurricular stuff, I would recommend that you try to stop viewing it as this crushing obligation. Find volunteer opportunities that are things you think are cool and that you want to do, not because they’re things that will look good on a resume. View shadowing as an opportunity to see whether various medical field things are right for you, not as ticking a box for some imaginary (or literal) application-strengthening checklist. If your campus has a pre-med/pre-health club, see about going to some of their events or talks. Talk to a pre-health advisor about options and opportunities. Talk to other pre-health people. It’s a lot, being pre-med. I feel the pressure too, all the time, and it can be exhausting, but if it’s really what you want to do, you don’t have to give up. You certainly don’t have to give up this early. You’re only a baby freshman (well, a baby sophomore, now, I guess) (I can call you a baby because I’m 24 and I have a whole degree now, so #dealwithit) (I promise I mean it with love and not condescension). One year of not-great grades is not going to preclude you from being a doctor.

But if the reason you’re so reluctant to change paths is out of obligation instead of an actual passion for the field, then it’s not worth it to keep making yourself miserable. 

Whoever it is that you feel like you’ll be letting down by not becoming a doctor–your parents or your grandparents or your high school science teacher or whoever–you don’t owe them. I don’t know if you’ve got parents putting pressure on you or what, but if you do, just remember that it’s your life and no one has the right to tell you what to do with it. 

Or maybe the person you feel like you’re betraying is your past self, the version of you that’s dressing up as a doctor for Halloween and telling everyone for the past 18 years how you’re gonna be a doctor and sitting in your bedroom watching Grey’s Anatomy and getting all fired up about how that’s gonna be you one day. This is a thought I’ve had a lot over the past six years or so. It’s hard if you’ve identified yourself by this desire your whole life to suddenly imagine being anything else. I don’t know if that’s the case for you, but I feel sometimes like I have this 12-year-old Kari in my head and I’m breaking her little idealistic medical nerd heart every time I take a step outside the path she’d have me on. But guess what? You don’t owe your past self shit. Your past self had ideas of what your life would be, just like baby Kari had ideas for what my life would be, but she didn’t have all the information that I have. I know better than she did. You cannot control the actions and the thoughts of your future self, you just have to trust that they are better informed than you are. 

You are allowed to change. Your identity is yours and yours alone to shape how you please. It doesn’t make you weak to change course, it makes you flexible. (And hey, if studying biology has taught me anything, it’s that adaptability is key to survival) (There’s a reason my blog is called “dynamic instability”)

[thoughtsandfeelingsakanobullies]

I really just want to express that I think a lot of people don't really understand what depression is. Depression isn't just sad. This is one thing that I can assure you as I've been dealing with it for years. this is not some come and go type of feeling. Depression is something like a really bad entity waiting for you to slip up and get sad and sadness is the segway to being buried in depression(hell) for some people, sadness will happen in their life and then they can bounce out of it. But people with depression or, this is my experience now, but people with depression get tripped up by sadness and they stay there for hours days or weeks or months or years and it comes in pockets throughout these time periods and from my experience the week-long and month-long pockets of sadness can be very dangerous, as a lot of times during these pockets of sadness a lot of bad dangerous thoughts come to my head. I think this is one thing that a lot of people don't understand and come on I mean like who wants to be sad? Like think about it this is not something that somebody is doing just to be that way. At least for me I don't want to be sad all the time! I feel like this is a really crippling disease, I feel like this is something that nobody should ever be dealing with and enjoying it! So when people say that people are doing it for attention or to be coddled or whatever it is absolutely upsetting to hear. This is something that I wish that nobody ever has to go through , it is absolutely terrible. I mean this is something that is taking away from valuable lifetime! Depression takes away time from having the chance to meet people to do music or whatever your passion is. It takes away from time that you could be making great connections and moving forward in life. I don't know if I've said this yet but it is a really damaging thing to deal with. And not to be funny I'm typing this as I go so I don't remember if I've expressed this yet but, depression causes great strain on the brain so much strain in fact that it causes memory loss short term memory loss in particular. which is crazy because we want to forget all the bad that happened a long time ago but it seems to stick around in our minds and continues to torture us yet we can't remember things that just happened minutes or seconds ago. I mean it's almost like a really bad joke! it really feels like life is having its way with you! feelings like this can drive anyone insane! I mean I would do anything absolutely anything to escape the way I feel and have felt for years. Even if it means dying. like I really want to find the right person to talk to so I can feel safe with my issues because a lot of therapists do not make you feel safe A lot of times as a teenager I talked to a therapist and it never helped. I mean I will admit it felt good to get things off of my chest and off of my mind that bothered me, but it never solved the root issue. The only thing that those sessions led to we're me having to go on meds or either me lying and saying I was okay just so I wouldn't have to take meds as the meds made the depression worse even turning the depression into intense suicidal episodes that have either left my body damaged and / or probably even changed my mental into something worse as sometimes I remember doing drastic things to hurt myself that I would say I believe definitely changed me both mentally and physically. fortunately none of it led to major damage to where I still have a functioning brain in a manner that I can communicate well through typing (sometimes depending on how bad the depression is). I mean sometimes the episodes get so bad to where I can't find myself to speak and I will shut down and not talk to anybody for days or weeks. so when somebody says, " oh you're just sad you'll get over it" they clearly don't have an understanding of what depression is. it's far more dangerous than just sadness! depression even carries things along with it to the point where when you do climb out of an episode feeling okay you can bet that other issues have arrived with its

presence. unfortunately for me really bad anxiety and terrible OCD have developed as a result of the depression which still hasn't gone away. when these month-long week-long pockets of depression occur, imagine them being like at the bottom of a roller coaster, you're still on a fast-track to Danger but you're literally down at the moment but the high spikes and twists and turns is the suicide the anxiety and the OCD. it's all a part of the same scary ride just different and all very dangerous and their own way. nobody wants to be upset for days and weeks and months on end which spans over Year's worth of Lifetime. no normal human being would want to feel this way I can't imagine that! what I and anyone else dealing with this for that matter, really want is just to be happy and the fight to get to happiness has been a struggle. and I mean pure happiness life isn't perfect I get it but I can't recollect not even a time over the past decade or so where I was straight just happy for weeks at a time or even just chill. like nobody's just going to smile for two weeks straight, that's unrealistic and if they are they're not really happy I can assure you because when I was working at my last job, I was the overly happy individual with the high-pitched voice and smiling all the time. I know I wasn't happy! So anyone doing this can't be happy they're just faking it to get through the day which is what I was doing! that was absolutely exhausting because I will come home and I will crash as if I had been carrying a big weight around with me all day and stepping into my apartment and locking the door finally felt like a big weight was being lifted off of my shoulder. this in my eyes is mental distress this in my eyes is bad mental health a smooth transition from work to home should be normal. but no! I would come home and crash I would literally not take a shower I will plop on my couch with my dirty work clothes on which is why I was glad I had an inflatable couch instead of a real couch all the time that even affected me because I never wanted to sit on the inflatable couch after a while as I knew it had accumulated so much dirt. I mean the couch didn't look dirty but I know in my mind that I had come home multiple times exhausted from work and had plopped down on that couch! so in my mind the couch was dirty! so I didn't want to sit on it any longer. so I was forced to sit in a computer chair that I had in my kitchen in my small one bedroom apartment. it's more than just laziness, I mean I worked all day carrying this mental weight waiting for the day to end, and then when it will finally end I would definitely drive home get into my apartment make sure I lock the door and plopped down into that chair in my kitchen I was too exhausted to take my shoes off and I was too exhausted to change out of my work clothes so I will fall asleep between the time I got home from work which was around 5 or 6 a clock and I will wake up around 8 or 9 and decide to cook something while still in work clothes. I will eat then fall asleep in that chair a lot of times even crying while it was so lonely in that apartment while the circulating floating intrusive thoughts like suicide and dangerous random things happening to me or my loved ones would float through my head! it was like I could never get a break in actuality! it was either me thinking about the bad that happened at work that day, or either me thinking about horrible scenarios where I meet my demise, or either me worrying about my loved ones! I mean I could not get a break no matter what I did and it has been that way for years. pockets of Happiness do we exist where they come in great spikes but they don't last long and then I come plummeting down like a building and demolition, I literally just fall apart to the point where I find it hard to imagine functioning normal again. Hobbies become obsolete like music and art, the desire to live really becomes questionable and then not only that you start to juggle the thoughts in your mind of " oh what will my family think if I kill myself" "

will they think I'm selfish" " no I need to stay here for my loved ones"

and all of these types of thoughts pop in your head what you want to leave behind for what family member if you do die and sometimes the thought doesn't even occur sometimes you're so set on killing yourself that you do something that damages your body and then your mortality steps in and shocks you with fear and pain and then you picture your mother and father and close family members crying after they have lost you. these intrusive and very Vivid thoughts and visions of your family crying about the thought of you being gone pops into your head leaving you helpless and and crying in the middle of your bed or the middle of your floor with you not knowing what to do! you then pull yourself up after however long the episode was, you either leave the blood or clean the blood up that you have left behind from trying to kill yourself or take the belt from around your neck, and then you climb back into the unsure pattern that you were in before of working and coming home feeling the same way as you did before. it is a vicious cycle of never ending chaotic despair..

So when someone says oh you're just sad, you then realize or atleast start to feel that that person is having a much better and blissful life than you are. you begin to either think this person is not a deep thinker or just doesn't deal with these type of things or either that person was dealt the best hand or either arrogance carries them through life comfortably or maybe you start to really feel that you deserve to be mentally distraut and depressed all the time, and you start to lose it again and then eventually go home and hurt yourself badly again. it is a dangerous cycle it's a stressful cycle therapist only prescribe you medicines that make it worse so you stop going to therapy you stop taking medicine and then you get bullied between anxiety OCD and big bad depression and they toss you around like they do pizza dough at a pizza parlor... I'm not just sad, it's way more to it. I really do love my family and I hope they see this and understand that im not like this because I want to be. I am like this because I don't know how to just BE..Im lost.

[aspire-to-the-light]

Executive momentum 3: Build up your home base

(Previous)

In my first term at Cambridge, I kept forgetting to lock my door whenever I left my room, and that made me kind of anxious because we had a known food thief in my student-dorm corridor. So I put a brightly coloured post-it note on the inside of my door, with “LOCK THE DOOR!” written on it. And then I didn’t forget any more.

I also kept being late to literally everything because I could never find my keys and card. I’d need to leave by 17:00 to arrive on time, so I’d throw some clothes on at 16:55, grab my water bottle, go to leave my room, and remember that I needed my key and card so that I could get back into the building. Then I’d spend half an hour searching for them and be half an hour late to the event. So I moved some furniture around so that there was a small table in the path between my bed and the door, with a brightly coloured orange box on top. Whenever I got home from something, I’d throw my keys and card into the orange box and then go flop into my bed. Then I didn’t lose them any more.

I used to constantly forget my meds, or be uncertain whether I’d taken my meds yet today, or remember some of my meds but not others. So I bought myself a pill organizer for £1, and left it on my bedside table so it’s the first thing I see in the morning. It’s always on my bedside table, so I don’t forget any of my meds.

I used to have a lot of trouble multitasking, because I’d be trying to read a book about a subject while also writing an essay about that subject, and I’d end up struggling with both because I didn’t have a large enough screen to comfortably look at both the essay and the book, or because I’d get caught in a loop of switching from one tab to the other and back and back again without realising that I should pick one tab and actually look at it. So then I got an extra monitor and set it up right next to where I work and now I work a lot more efficiently.

I used to really struggle with mornings because I’d have a bootstrapping problem - I’d need coffee to wake up, but be too sleepy to get out of bed and make myself coffee, so I’d lie in bed and scroll social media for the first few hours of my day. Then I just rearranged items in my room so my kettle was literally in reach of my bed.

Sometimes I get distracted from my work and stare into space. Then I covered literally every square inch of wall with random magazine cutouts, posters, and drawings. Then I didn’t stare into space nearly so much, because my eyes would always settle on something interesting that jerked me back into the real world.

One time I had a pretty serious envy problem, where I wasn’t taking advice from anyone more successful than me, because I was busy hating them for being more successful than me. I wrote a pithy line about how envy is unvirtuous, stuck it above my bed where I’d look at it every morning for a couple months, and came away with a much-less-serious envy problem.

Physical, localised coping methods build up and up and up over time, making you significantly better-off in the particular location where all your helpful objects are. If you have enough of them - calming pictures on your walls that help you with emotional management, a post-it note system on your fridge that reminds you when you need to buy more milk, an alarm clock on the other side of your room that makes you get out of bed to turn it off, a box to keep tempting distractions in that has “are you sure?” written on the lid - it ends up becoming impossible to keep track of them all, so you just take them for granted. You barely realise how much of them you’re using, until you take a weekend away and realise on Saturday evening that not only did you forget to lock your hotel room door, you left the key inside it too.

When you move, they’re very difficult to set back up again, because you aren’t always conscious of how many you have. You could try keeping a list of “stuff to remember to change in my environment whenever I’m in a new environment” every time you change something, but you make so many minor changes all the time - opening a window and adjusting the thermostat so the room temperature is just right, putting a lamp on the other side of a shelf so it doesn’t glare in your eyes too much, leaning your umbrella against the door so you won’t forget it. And many of the environmental supports aren’t even deliberate. Maybe you don’t realise how important it is that your desk faced away from your ceiling light until you move into a room where it doesn’t and you realise your pounding headache is because you’ve been staring directly at the light all day.

“Never leaving your room” is sort of shameful, and I used to feel vaguely like I “should get out” for reasons unknown to me but which must surely exist because people kept saying I should do it more. Now I think that’s silly. My room is very, very carefully engineered to be a perfect environment for me. Being in it directly makes me more powerful - I forget fewer things, I have free access to coffee and snacks-that-I-like, I have monitors and other gadgets set up to perfectly support the way I work, I can stay more focused and do more things and fix any problem that comes up with the array of problem-solving-tools available in my cupboards.

When I moved away from my hometown, I’d been doing judo for a solid decade. I passionately loved it, and it was really important to my mental health - exercise is very good for ADHD, being good at something consistently lifts my mood, and judo specifically was fantastic for my anger problems because I had a safe space in which to be as violent as I liked.

Then I spent a summer in Boston. I fully intended to do judo while I was there. It took me a week or two to get around to researching local judo clubs and figuring out which ones I could get to. There was one a 15 minute drive away, but I didn’t drive and I couldn’t always ask people to drive me, so I went once and decided I should look for other options. The other option was two hours of public transit into the city, and the public transit system was unfamiliar and scary and I was still regularly getting lost on it. So I kept meaning to go, but just for the first couple times I wanted someone to escort me and help me figure out the aversive public transit. The only person available to escort me was fairly averse about going to judo, so between their averse-to-judo “I’ll do it next week” and my averse-to-scary-new-dojo-that-wasn’t-like-my-old-dojo “I’ll do it next week”, I just kind of didn’t go. All summer.

Then I started at Cambridge, and for the first couple weeks while I settled in, I didn’t know where anything was or what I was supposed to be doing and I kept being distracted by freshers’ events, so I didn’t go. Then I got around to looking up when the judo sessions were, but I kept remembering about the sessions slightly too late - I’d suddenly remember at 19:30 that judo starts at 19:30, but then I’d realise that if I wanted to go then I’d need to shower and get my kit together and fill a water bottle and make it to the club, so I’d tell myself “next session”. After this happened a few times, I fixed this problem by putting a reminder in my calendar and keeping my judo kit ready by the door. So then I tried to go to judo, but couldn’t find the sports centre and got very lost and went home. I successfully went to judo once.

...and then it was time for winter break, so I left Cambridge again. And when I came back for the next term, the same pattern happened again.

In my first term at Cambridge I really struggled to meet my extraverty social needs, but then I realised the local EA society runs socials every Sunday, so I scheduled in “social” every single Sunday. This worked great for a term, and then I came back the next term and the same thing happened again - I was miserable for the first few weeks, then remembered to schedule in the EA socials, and went to a few, and then term ended. Things worked out for the final term of my first year, but when I came back for second year my routine was different, so I kept missing them again despite implementing a “schedule these things in advance for all the terms until you graduate” strategy.

It’s not just my room where I build up coping mechanisms. It’s my whole environment, my city, my routine. My room is my home base, where I build up gadgets and post-it notes and correctly-arranged furniture. My city is a larger-scale home base, where I can build up a social circle and a knowledge of public transit and a routine that fulfils my needs (attend this dojo on Tuesdays and Thursdays, go to this social thing on Sundays, walk in this park when you’re sad and need to calm down, visit this shop when you want to buy fudge).

Before I had a good model of how this worked, I massively underestimated the costs of travelling and moving and changing things.

When I did my first term in Cambridge, I knew that I was unutterably miserable because I wasn’t sure how to set up a new social network in a new place and I wasn’t getting my extravert needs met, so I just kind of blamed all of my dysfunction on my lack of extravert points. But I kept being dysfunctional even after I got enough social contact, and then I was very confused.

It wasn’t until several terms in that I noticed the pattern - I’d get to Cambridge and be completely dysfunctional. Then after two weeks or so, I’d have the bare minimum of stuff set up, and be capable of the real basics (feeding myself, getting to most appointments on time, having a sleep schedule that at least correlated with night/day). After roughly six weeks I’d be actually functional - writing essays, getting stuff done, going to the gym, having regular social commitments. And then the eight-week-long terms would end.

So many of my dysfunctions have incredibly simple workarounds. I forget things, so I put up a reminder post-it-note, and then I don’t forget them any more. I slightly rearrange my furniture, designate a box to put items-I-shouldn’t-forget in, schedule regular commitments, put my medications on my bedside table. I build up hundreds of these things. I suspect I had thousands as a seventeen-year-old, before I left my childhood home for university.

And then every time I move, I have to build them up from scratch again. So I go from being, at my best, a fairly impressive agent, to being a person who can barely manage to feed themselves. Because I’m in a new place and I don’t know where the food shops are, and I don’t have a post-it note on my fridge saying “remember to buy food”, and I struggle to leave the house because I can never find the keys that I need to get back into the building, and I keep meaning to figure out how the microwave in the kitchen works but I haven’t gotten around to it, and I forgot the alarms and reminders that help me keep my sleep schedule regular so I keep sleeping in so late the food shops are closed by the time I’m ready to leave the house, and at this point everything is subtly harder because I’m hungry...

I don’t think it’s important to have a single room be your home base. I functioned fairly well during my A-level studies, when I had two home bases - my form room (the classroom my form met in for registration) and my bedroom at home. I had a routine that told me when and how to move between the two. Probably lots of people have an office where they work and a home where they do other things,a and both are home bases in different ways - the office has the set up of monitors and mouses that perfectly supports their work style, the home has the post-its on the fridge saying to buy milk.

The important thing about the ‘home base’ is the routine, the collection of gadgets, the arrangement of objects in particular places, the reminders, the support systems, the social networks. It’s also knowledge - where stuff is, when regularly-scheduled events are, which shops to go to, how to use public transit in the area, what to avoid.

In general, since I realised the sheer vastness of the built-up collection of habits and reminders and arrangements and objects that makes me into a functional human, I’ve been consciously trying to build it up more deliberately and be more aware of it. For instance, I have a document now that lists everything I own under an ontology of where it belongs in my room and why, so when I unpack in a new place I automatically remember that pill organizer goes on the bedside table so that I remember it in the morning, lamp goes behind the desk so it doesn’t glare at my eyes, deodorant goes outside the bathroom so it’s convenient to grab after I shower, etc.

But I've also become much, much more certain that travelling or moving is really costly, and I should plan not to do it very often. It’s difficult to avoid as a student, who has to move in and out of Cambridge with the university terms, but I’ve been fairly drastic about restricting myself where I can - I skipped some fairly cool events in London this term because I thought it was much more important to stay here.

I know several people who travel a lot and have a policy of travelling light, with everything they care about fitting in a suitcase. I wonder if I’m missing a trick that would let me make my home-base portable. I also wonder if they’re missing a trick, if maybe they just don’t have a home base and they too would get a massive power boost from being in their home base if they had one.

(Next)

[crazy-pastry]

So I’m posting my essay here cuz it kinda fits the theme and I’m really happy with it.

TW for physical abuse, addiction.

My memory starts at about age 3. It’s my brother throwing me into a wall. You see I was born into a well-meaning but highly dysfunctional family, with two alcoholic parents and two half-brothers. One of whom, as I would come to realize much later in life, viewed me as a way to get back at a stepmom – my mother - he viewed as evil. He would later say she abused him. I was too young to know for sure, but if it’s true then, well, I guess the shit rolls downhill.

          One night when I was about 8 or 9, my other brother long gone by now, the younger of the two decided he wanted to go live with his biological mother. I sat in the kitchen and listened, with no small amount of satisfaction, as my father berated this monster I had been forced to live with to the point of tears for wanting to leave a situation my young mind couldn’t even fathom was wrong. All I knew was that my life was about to get a lot better, and it did, to an extent.

          My parents for their part did the best they could, given their issues. When they were sober they were good enough parents, but at night, and presumably after a lot of drinking, I would often awake to my father’s screams and my mother’s crying. Something I can always be proud of is that I, still very much a young child, was the one to break up the fighting, not my much older brothers. Maybe they were just used to it, and I wasn’t. Some nights this whole scene played out multiple times, and especially after my brothers left it became increasingly difficult to ignore.

          Outside of the home was, for a little while, a place of refuge for me. I lived in a good enough neighborhood, with lots of kids around. Unfortunately I was soon to find out that I was not like them. Something I haven’t been honest about, if honest is the right word, is that I was actually my parents’ third son, not their first daughter, not originally anyway. My first inkling of what I wouldn’t be able to put into words for many years to come was when I was told by the parents of my favorite, female, friends that I was no longer allowed to play with them. I was very confused, as I did not get along with the neighborhood boys at all. But gender is a powerful thing in peoples’ minds, so I was shoved into this box that I didn’t fit into at all. Suddenly even the outside world became confusing and unpredictable.

          I can recall as I got older sitting in church – I was raised very Catholic – praying that someone would come along right afterwards and kill me, that way I could go straight to heaven and maybe finally be a girl. It’s really the only thing I cared about at that point in my life, because certainly nothing else was keeping me here. I saw no other way, because there was no other way back then. I became obsessed with being a good Catholic and doing everything I was supposed to do. I even asked a priest about it once, and he just said he would pray for me.

          And so went my life for many years, until by age 21 I found myself working in a liquor store. This is relevant because on my 21st birthday I came home with quite a large amount of free alcohol, already well on my way to becoming an alcoholic just like my parents. It was that night, after we all went to bed, that I sat in my room quite inebriated and decided to see a therapist about transitioning to female. Truthfully this wasn’t the first time I thought about it, but this time I followed through.

          He was a night enough man, who had already transitioned himself, but was I think quite unprepared for me. I had so much to talk about, but he was the type to write you a letter to get hormones and then off you go. I was hesitant at first but I took him up on his offer, and soon I was on a couple meds for the first time in my life. I was nervous of course, but at the same time very excited.

           So I came out to everyone and that all went fine. I was lucky actually, that’s very unusual in my experience. Pretty soon I was living as a woman. Things were looking up, relatively speaking, but I was still drinking myself into oblivion every night and couldn’t hold down a job. So I saw a therapist for the second time, this time a little more serious about it. I got clean, and after several months of that was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, PTSD, and Borderline Personality Disorder, the last two being a result of trauma. I wasn’t hugely shocked by it. They say it runs in families, and I had my suspicions. Still it was good to put a name to everything, to finally start fixing things. I got on a lot more meds and felt more stable than I ever have in my life. In truth I was a little naïve.

With Bipolar, you just take your meds and hope they work. Usually, after some time, they stop working and need to be adjusted. This usually involves a hospital visit in my case. Being manic, for me, isn’t the happy go-spend-a-thousand-dollars sort of thing. It’s more like being temporarily schizophrenic. I’d always dealt with it on my own before, but it gets worse over time. The kindest thing anyone has ever said to me was when my therapist got really blunt with me and said I should expected a hospitalization about once a year, and to treat it like heart disease or diabetes – something completely outside your control. I say kind, because this is what allows me to make room for all these struggles in my life, and not force myself to go beyond my means.

          To me identity is a hard subject to write about without going into something personal, so I don’t talk about it very much. How exactly do you go about untangling who you are from the alphabet soup of mental health issues, along with issues of gender and sexuality? I don’t necessarily think the things I have gone through in life - my identity as an abuse survivor, my hard-won fight to live as a woman - define me entirely, but they have, in large part, made me who I am today. I talk often to friends and family about these things, because I despise living in the closet, so to speak. I have been bullied and silenced enough in life, and I wouldn’t change who I am today, damage and all, for the world.

[gethealthy18-blog]

My Mental Health Story

New Post has been published on http://healingawerness.com/news/my-mental-health-story/

My Mental Health Story

To be honest, I really thought I’d already written this post. But as I dug through the 6 years of archives on this blog, I realized I’ve never actually sat down to tell my mental health story in full. Sure, there’s been bits and pieces here and there and I certainly haven’t hidden anything from you, but telling the story start to finish (hesitant to say “finish” because I don’t think there’s an ending when it comes to mental health) has yet to be done. So here I am.

This week an Ask Me Anything on Instagram prompted a powerful question about my anxiety. From there I asked you guys what other questions you had about living with anxiety and the questions just kept on coming. I answered about 10 of them, but when the number got closer to 50 I knew I had to go deeper than a few 15 second clips on Instagram. I thought I would attempt a *brief* version of my mental health story and then answer some of your questions. A lot were repeats and some I don’t have the credentials to answer, but if I can I will! Let’s start from the beginning…

Everyone’s mental health story starts out the same: you’re born with a brain. In theory, we all have one and therefore it has a baseline level of health that we must support or maintain. I can say that while I certainly had moments of fear and worry growing up, for the most part my mental health was pretty stable. I did have get a taste of what true anxiety and depression felt like when I went abroad when I was 15. I lived with a new family for 6 weeks and while I wasn’t old enough at the time to understand what was happening, I now know it was depression. But that’s also connecting the dots backwards and I quickly flipped back into my normal self when I got home. I got a brief taste of it, but I was okay.

The real beginning of my struggles with mental health began in my first year of college. Like most 18 year olds, ready to move out of their caregivers homes, I was excited to get to college and start a new chapter. A new chapter certainly began, but it wasn’t the one I had expected.

I thought living on my own, making new friends and handling a college workload would be easy. For some, it is. But the transition hit me hard and rather than talking to anyone about it, I turned inwards and spent most of my days and nights alone. I had moments of fun but mostly I was lonely, isolated and scared. The only way I felt I could control it was to put myself on a very rigid schedule. I woke up early, ate the same breakfast everyday (in my room alone), went to class, went to the library, ate dinner at a cafe and then went back to my residence in time for bed. I was a great student but virtually unrecognizable to my normal, outgoing self.

The thing about anxiety and depression is that it is pretty easy to hide. When I saw friends and family, I pretended everything was okay. When I wasn’t with them, the people who surrounded me thought I was just really busy, uninterested and very unfriendly. No one really knew what was happening in my head. Truthfully, I didn’t know what was happening in my head.

As finals rolled around in December of my first year, I found myself crying in a coffee shop where I had a very real, out of body experience of looking down on myself and not recognizing who I was. I knew something was wrong, I just didn’t know what. I went home for Christmas break that year and as everyone talked about how much they loved their new schools and friends they made I pretended I did too. I began blaming myself for those first few months. It seemed like everyone had an easy adjustment, except me.

When I returned to school in January I hoped for a fresh start, but as the cold, winter days in Montreal set in and my workload got more intense I instead tightened up on my already rigid schedule. I started working out everyday and getting very anxious about my food. I woke up at 6:00 AM to study and spent most of my day moving between the library, coffee shops and the gym. I did make a few friends but most of them also hated school so we spent a lot of time wallowing in our sorrows together. Subsequently, almost all of them ended up transferring away.

At some point it finally occurred to me that I wasn’t going to tackle what was happening to me alone. I knew I needed help. I thank that 18 year old girl for making one of the best and smartest decisions of my life: I called mental health services.

My school had a system in place to help you see a counselor and it’s something that I hope every school offers because my life trajectory would look so different if I hadn’t had this access. While the first therapist I spoke to wasn’t my saviour, I ended up seeing two others until I found someone I trusted. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety and Depression and together we charted out a plan for helping me to better acclimate to school and get on top of my mental health.

I wish I could say that my story ended here and it’s been smooth sailing ever since. Spoiler alert: it hasn’t. This is true of anyone with mental health challenges: it’s a journey, not a destination. Together with a psychiatrist I ended up seeing I started medication for my anxiety and depression. It wasn’t a magic pill and it wasn’t without a lot of experimentation but it helped and at that point in my life I needed all the help I could get.

Through therapy, medication and lifestyle changes, I was able to finish the winter semester and even went back to school the following fall. I definitely felt alone and a whole lot of shame around my anxiety and depression so only a few people knew what was going on. In hindsight, I wish I’d been more open about it because I’m certain I wasn’t the only one struggling.

Since this experience I’ve had many ups and downs with my mental health. Sometimes years without any depressive symptoms though anxiety is a lot more frequent. I continue to take medication (I’ve switched a few times), have made a lot of lifestyle changes and know my triggers. I’m also a lot more transparent about my struggles and find deep comfort in knowing I am not alone. They also say that one of the best ways to heal is to help others and I’ve definitely found that to be true.

For a long time I carried a lot of shame for working in the health and wellness space and also being on medication for my mental health. I thought if people found out, they would judge me for it. Instead I’ve found most people to be supportive and understanding of my decision (with the exception of a few negative comments). I’ve also had to learn to accept that this may be something I struggle with for the rest of my life and I may also be on medication for the rest of my life.

But here’s the truth: my medication allows me to do all the lifestyle habits that allow me to manage my anxiety and depression. I’ve gone off them before and tried to manage them holistically but honestly, it felt like a full-time job caring for my mental well-being. I wasn’t living my life, I was managing it.

So here I am, 10 years into this journey and feeling pretty damn confident in who I am. Yes, I have anxiety and depression. Yes, I am susceptible to more challenges with my mental health. But I am also a badass business owner, wife, dog mom, daughter, friend and human. Not everyone has it as easy as I do. I’m able to manage my symptoms and thrive despite my diagnosis. For this I am truly grateful. And honestly, I wouldn’t change a thing.

YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED

What makes you anxious?

I have generalized anxiety so I struggle with an overwhelming amount of worry around what others would perceive as little things. I oftentimes feel like things are out of my control (for the record, they are but coming to terms with that is super hard!) and that I can’t get a handle on anything. I also have a few specific triggers: cars being the biggest one, fear of losing loved ones and failure. In the past I struggled with social anxiety, food/eating issues and travel (not planes but being away from home) but I’ve been able to work through most of these.

What is your best anxiety relief tip?

If you aren’t talking to a mental health professional, I would recommend you start. From there you can work on relief practices that can be helpful to you.

What type of doctor is best to see when it comes to anxiety? 

There are SO many doctors and mental health professionals out there. If you don’t know where to start, try talking to your primary care physician and see if they can give you a referral or immediate relief. Psychologytoday.com is a great place to find a therapist in your area. Some people specialize in certain techniques for anxiety/depression specifically and that could be super helpful but if you don’t know where to start, try going general and be open to where that takes you.

What methods have you tried throughout the years has been the most helpful?

Medication is definitely top of the list. But when it comes to lifestyle habits: yoga, meditation, deep breathing, journalling, talking to someone and CBD/THC have been the most helpful. Things I’ve tried that haven’t helped: supplements (I take supplements but none have helped with anxiety specifically), exercise (besides yoga) and diet changes.

What do you do to provide immediate anxiety relief?

Most of the things listed above help me maintain my mental health, but in those major anxious moments, deep breathing and talking to someone takes the cake. I’m lucky to have a super supportive partner who through the years has learned how to help me through these moments. He has to (and I oftentimes have to) remind myself that I am not the emotion I am feeling and to identify what I am feeling and where I am feeling it (yes, physically) can help me a ton in feeling that sense of control over a situation.

Are meds the best long-term solution or can they be replaced with holistic methods?

This is entirely up to you. For me personally, meds allowed me to do the holistic practices to support my mental health without them taking over my life. I find that the simpler I can make my life, the less anxious I am. Whatever you choose to do is up to you #YOUDOYOU

How do you slow the racing thoughts?

Get them out of you! Write them down, talk to someone. I find when I get them out of my head I realize how not rooted in reality most of them are.

What do you do on the hardest days?

Feel your feels. The days that are hardest I allow myself to feel what I’m feeling and talk it out, write it out or move through a yoga flow. I do find that sometimes it’s helpful to be busy and actually go out and see people but I’m usually not up for that on the hardest days. Take them as they come is my main piece of advice.

Have you looked into CBD oil?

Yes, it can be great! I do find it needs to be at a high dosage to be effective. I also prefer the consume CBD with a little THC to activate it (it’s legal in California). But more on that in another post.

How were you diagnosed?

I was diagnosed by a therapist, as mentioned above. I saw several therapists before switching to a psychiatrist who specialized in talk therapy. I liked having someone to talk to who also was able to support my medication use.

What meds are you on?

I am on Lexapro (Cipralex in Canada). I’ve also taken prozac, wellbutrin and another one I can’t remember.

Have you found a way to avoid using meds or reduce them?

No, I haven’t. I’ve come off my meds twice. Once for a year and a half which was positive, until it wasn’t. I came off again and after both times I had two depressive episodes. I truly think they’re more effective for my depression than anxiety. I currently take a very low dose but it works well for me.

How do you know if your medication dose is right?

Trial and error. Keep notes on how you feel and if you’re dealing with any side-effects. Be open and transparent with your doctor about these and trust that they want you to feel better.

Have you lost friends due to your anxiety and depression? If so, how do you go back?

Yes, I have lost friends. Not a lot, but some. Truthfully, I haven’t gone back. I believe in filling your life with people who understand and support you. If they cannot be there during this scenario, I’m not certain they’re the kind of people I want in my life.

As a parent of a college student, how can I tell if my child is struggling with anxiety?

This is a tricky one and I’m not sure I’m the best person to give an answer, but I think one of the easiest ways is to just ask. Ask how they are doing and if they’ve found the transition difficult. Ask them about their daily routine and the friends they have. Of course, anyone can lie but making sure they know you are open to talk and won’t judge them can go a long way.

Do you run into discrimination/stigma when people find out you take meds?

Yes and no. People are sometimes quick to challenge my decision but ultimately, I know what is best for me. It was something I didn’t talk about for a long time for fear of being judged. Especially given that my business is in the health and wellness community. But as I’ve shared more I’ve discovered that a) I’m not alone and b) health and our health choices look so different on everyone and for anyone to pass judgement is ultimately on them, not me.

That being said, I appreciate you guys keeping this post and this blog as a positive and safe space for anyone with mental health struggles. I want you to know you can always turn to this community for support and understanding, but I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to judging people’s choices. Thank you for understanding!

Photos by: Bettina Bogar

Have you ever struggled with your mental health? Would love to have an open dialogue with you!

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[steffancockrell]

My Mental Health Story

To be honest, I really thought I'd already written this post. But as I dug through the 6 years of archives on this blog, I realized I've never actually sat down to tell my mental health story in full. Sure, there's been bits and pieces here and there and I certainly haven't hidden anything from you, but telling the story start to finish (hesitant to say “finish” because I don't think there's an ending when it comes to mental health) has yet to be done. So here I am.

This week an Ask Me Anything on Instagram prompted a powerful question about my anxiety. From there I asked you guys what other questions you had about living with anxiety and the questions just kept on coming. I answered about 10 of them, but when the number got closer to 50 I knew I had to go deeper than a few 15 second clips on Instagram. I thought I would attempt a *brief* version of my mental health story and then answer some of your questions. A lot were repeats and some I don't have the credentials to answer, but if I can I will! Let's start from the beginning…

Everyone's mental health story starts out the same: you're born with a brain. In theory, we all have one and therefore it has a baseline level of health that we must support or maintain. I can say that while I certainly had moments of fear and worry growing up, for the most part my mental health was pretty stable. I did have get a taste of what true anxiety and depression felt like when I went abroad when I was 15. I lived with a new family for 6 weeks and while I wasn't old enough at the time to understand what was happening, I now know it was depression. But that's also connecting the dots backwards and I quickly flipped back into my normal self when I got home. I got a brief taste of it, but I was okay.

The real beginning of my struggles with mental health began in my first year of college. Like most 18 year olds, ready to move out of their caregivers homes, I was excited to get to college and start a new chapter. A new chapter certainly began, but it wasn't the one I had expected.

I thought living on my own, making new friends and handling a college workload would be easy. For some, it is. But the transition hit me hard and rather than talking to anyone about it, I turned inwards and spent most of my days and nights alone. I had moments of fun but mostly I was lonely, isolated and scared. The only way I felt I could control it was to put myself on a very rigid schedule. I woke up early, ate the same breakfast everyday (in my room alone), went to class, went to the library, ate dinner at a cafe and then went back to my residence in time for bed. I was a great student but virtually unrecognizable to my normal, outgoing self.

The thing about anxiety and depression is that it is pretty easy to hide. When I saw friends and family, I pretended everything was okay. When I wasn't with them, the people who surrounded me thought I was just really busy, uninterested and very unfriendly. No one really knew what was happening in my head. Truthfully, I didn't know what was happening in my head.

As finals rolled around in December of my first year, I found myself crying in a coffee shop where I had a very real, out of body experience of looking down on myself and not recognizing who I was. I knew something was wrong, I just didn't know what. I went home for Christmas break that year and as everyone talked about how much they loved their new schools and friends they made I pretended I did too. I began blaming myself for those first few months. It seemed like everyone had an easy adjustment, except me.

When I returned to school in January I hoped for a fresh start, but as the cold, winter days in Montreal set in and my workload got more intense I instead tightened up on my already rigid schedule. I started working out everyday and getting very anxious about my food. I woke up at 6:00 AM to study and spent most of my day moving between the library, coffee shops and the gym. I did make a few friends but most of them also hated school so we spent a lot of time wallowing in our sorrows together. Subsequently, almost all of them ended up transferring away.

At some point it finally occurred to me that I wasn't going to tackle what was happening to me alone. I knew I needed help. I thank that 18 year old girl for making one of the best and smartest decisions of my life: I called mental health services.

My school had a system in place to help you see a counselor and it's something that I hope every school offers because my life trajectory would look so different if I hadn't had this access. While the first therapist I spoke to wasn't my saviour, I ended up seeing two others until I found someone I trusted. He diagnosed me with Generalized Anxiety and Depression and together we charted out a plan for helping me to better acclimate to school and get on top of my mental health.

I wish I could say that my story ended here and it's been smooth sailing ever since. Spoiler alert: it hasn't. This is true of anyone with mental health challenges: it's a journey, not a destination. Together with a psychiatrist I ended up seeing I started medication for my anxiety and depression. It wasn't a magic pill and it wasn't without a lot of experimentation but it helped and at that point in my life I needed all the help I could get.

Through therapy, medication and lifestyle changes, I was able to finish the winter semester and even went back to school the following fall. I definitely felt alone and a whole lot of shame around my anxiety and depression so only a few people knew what was going on. In hindsight, I wish I'd been more open about it because I'm certain I wasn't the only one struggling.

Since this experience I've had many ups and downs with my mental health. Sometimes years without any depressive symptoms though anxiety is a lot more frequent. I continue to take medication (I've switched a few times), have made a lot of lifestyle changes and know my triggers. I'm also a lot more transparent about my struggles and find deep comfort in knowing I am not alone. They also say that one of the best ways to heal is to help others and I've definitely found that to be true.

For a long time I carried a lot of shame for working in the health and wellness space and also being on medication for my mental health. I thought if people found out, they would judge me for it. Instead I've found most people to be supportive and understanding of my decision (with the exception of a few negative comments). I've also had to learn to accept that this may be something I struggle with for the rest of my life and I may also be on medication for the rest of my life.

But here's the truth: my medication allows me to do all the lifestyle habits that allow me to manage my anxiety and depression. I've gone off them before and tried to manage them holistically but honestly, it felt like a full-time job caring for my mental well-being. I wasn't living my life, I was managing it.

So here I am, 10 years into this journey and feeling pretty damn confident in who I am. Yes, I have anxiety and depression. Yes, I am susceptible to more challenges with my mental health. But I am also a badass business owner, wife, dog mom, daughter, friend and human. Not everyone has it as easy as I do. I'm able to manage my symptoms and thrive despite my diagnosis. For this I am truly grateful. And honestly, I wouldn't change a thing.

YOUR QUESTIONS ANSWERED

What makes you anxious?

I have generalized anxiety so I struggle with an overwhelming amount of worry around what others would perceive as little things. I oftentimes feel like things are out of my control (for the record, they are but coming to terms with that is super hard!) and that I can't get a handle on anything. I also have a few specific triggers: cars being the biggest one, fear of losing loved ones and failure. In the past I struggled with social anxiety, food/eating issues and travel (not planes but being away from home) but I've been able to work through most of these.

What is your best anxiety relief tip?

If you aren't talking to a mental health professional, I would recommend you start. From there you can work on relief practices that can be helpful to you.

What type of doctor is best to see when it comes to anxiety? 

There are SO many doctors and mental health professionals out there. If you don't know where to start, try talking to your primary care physician and see if they can give you a referral or immediate relief. Psychologytoday.com is a great place to find a therapist in your area. Some people specialize in certain techniques for anxiety/depression specifically and that could be super helpful but if you don't know where to start, try going general and be open to where that takes you.

What methods have you tried throughout the years has been the most helpful?

Medication is definitely top of the list. But when it comes to lifestyle habits: yoga, meditation, deep breathing, journalling, talking to someone and CBD/THC have been the most helpful. Things I've tried that haven't helped: supplements (I take supplements but none have helped with anxiety specifically), exercise (besides yoga) and diet changes.

What do you do to provide immediate anxiety relief?

Most of the things listed above help me maintain my mental health, but in those major anxious moments, deep breathing and talking to someone takes the cake. I'm lucky to have a super supportive partner who through the years has learned how to help me through these moments. He has to (and I oftentimes have to) remind myself that I am not the emotion I am feeling and to identify what I am feeling and where I am feeling it (yes, physically) can help me a ton in feeling that sense of control over a situation.

Are meds the best long-term solution or can they be replaced with holistic methods?

This is entirely up to you. For me personally, meds allowed me to do the holistic practices to support my mental health without them taking over my life. I find that the simpler I can make my life, the less anxious I am. Whatever you choose to do is up to you #YOUDOYOU

How do you slow the racing thoughts?

Get them out of you! Write them down, talk to someone. I find when I get them out of my head I realize how not rooted in reality most of them are.

What do you do on the hardest days?

Feel your feels. The days that are hardest I allow myself to feel what I'm feeling and talk it out, write it out or move through a yoga flow. I do find that sometimes it's helpful to be busy and actually go out and see people but I'm usually not up for that on the hardest days. Take them as they come is my main piece of advice.

Have you looked into CBD oil?

Yes, it can be great! I do find it needs to be at a high dosage to be effective. I also prefer the consume CBD with a little THC to activate it (it's legal in California). But more on that in another post.

How were you diagnosed?

I was diagnosed by a therapist, as mentioned above. I saw several therapists before switching to a psychiatrist who specialized in talk therapy. I liked having someone to talk to who also was able to support my medication use.

What meds are you on?

I am on Lexapro (Cipralex in Canada). I've also taken prozac, wellbutrin and another one I can't remember.

Have you found a way to avoid using meds or reduce them?

No, I haven't. I've come off my meds twice. Once for a year and a half which was positive, until it wasn't. I came off again and after both times I had two depressive episodes. I truly think they're more effective for my depression than anxiety. I currently take a very low dose but it works well for me.

How do you know if your medication dose is right?

Trial and error. Keep notes on how you feel and if you're dealing with any side-effects. Be open and transparent with your doctor about these and trust that they want you to feel better.

Have you lost friends due to your anxiety and depression? If so, how do you go back?

Yes, I have lost friends. Not a lot, but some. Truthfully, I haven't gone back. I believe in filling your life with people who understand and support you. If they cannot be there during this scenario, I'm not certain they're the kind of people I want in my life.

As a parent of a college student, how can I tell if my child is struggling with anxiety?

This is a tricky one and I'm not sure I'm the best person to give an answer, but I think one of the easiest ways is to just ask. Ask how they are doing and if they've found the transition difficult. Ask them about their daily routine and the friends they have. Of course, anyone can lie but making sure they know you are open to talk and won't judge them can go a long way.

Do you run into discrimination/stigma when people find out you take meds?

Yes and no. People are sometimes quick to challenge my decision but ultimately, I know what is best for me. It was something I didn't talk about for a long time for fear of being judged. Especially given that my business is in the health and wellness community. But as I've shared more I've discovered that a) I'm not alone and b) health and our health choices look so different on everyone and for anyone to pass judgement is ultimately on them, not me.

That being said, I appreciate you guys keeping this post and this blog as a positive and safe space for anyone with mental health struggles. I want you to know you can always turn to this community for support and understanding, but I have a zero tolerance policy when it comes to judging people's choices. Thank you for understanding!

Photos by: Bettina Bogar

Have you ever struggled with your mental health? Would love to have an open dialogue with you!

The post My Mental Health Story appeared first on The Healthy Maven.

[ssteezyy]

Ask the Cat Doc: Rotating Foods, Blind FeLV+ Kitten, Cat Refuses to Use Litter Box, and More

Welcome to our regular “Ask the Cat Doc With Dr. Lynn Bahr” segment! Once a month, Dr. Bahr answers as many of your questions as she can, and you can leave new questions for her in a comment.

Dr. Bahr graduated from the University of Georgia College of Veterinary Medicine in 1991. Unlike most veterinarians, she did not grow up knowing that she would become a veterinarian. “It was a cat who got me interested in the practice and I am forever grateful to him,” said Dr. Bahr. Over the course of her veterinary career, Dr. Bahr found that the lifestyle of cats has changed dramatically. As the lifestyle of cats has changed, so did Dr. Bahr’s client education. In addition to finding medical solutions, she also encourages owners to enrich their home environments so that their cats can live long, happy, and healthy lives.

This new understanding led Dr. Bahr to combine her passion for strengthening the human-animal bond with her veterinary background and knowledge of what animals need and want to start her own solution-based cat product company, Dezi & Roo, inspired by two cats of the same names.

For more information about Dezi & Roo and their unique and innovative cat toys, please visit their website.

How often should you rotate foods in your cat’s diet?

I’d love for Dr. Bahr to elaborate about rotating foods in your cat’s diet. How often should we change foods/brands – monthly, quarterly? I also have a struggle getting my cats to eat any canned food other than Fancy Feast. They grew up eating it (before they came to me) and strongly resist my attempts to switch them to something of better quality. If I offer them something else they just ignore it and eat only their dry food, so I tell myself that eating any wet food is better than no wet at all, but I’m wondering if that’s really okay. Thanks so much for such a great source of information! – Anna

Hi Anna,

Thank you so much for your question regarding food rotation. The difficulties you are experiencing getting your kitties to eat a quality diet is a common problem many cat owners face. That is because cats acquire preferences in food texture and taste early in life, and like your babies, often resist change as adults. This is especially true for kittens that never had the opportunity to experience a variety of diets while they were developing their taste palates.

Like many people I know, cats don’t take to change well. Therefore, it is best to take it slow when attempting to introduce new foods. You can start by putting a small amount down every day for a minimum of a week or two. The idea is to train them into thinking that the new food is no longer new.  Some cats can be nudged into tasting the new diet this way. Others may need more coaxing by warming the food slightly to “mouse” or “blood” temperature or having some favorite treats placed on top.

While we know immediately when our cat dislikes a food, it takes time and patience to learn what diets they really like. Start by offering different textures as well as flavors. You can easily experiment by first seeing if they will eat any of your own foods. Many cats enjoy eating our meats, fish, or vegetables and it is just a matter of trial and error to determine which ones they like. Cats that ignore chicken may be interested in prime rib instead, while others may prefer salmon if given a choice. I have met cats that like cherry tomatoes, melon, spinach and ice cream. I even had a patient that took his meds every day in mashed potatoes with temptation treats sprinkled on top. The goal is to see if you can interest your cat to accept different foods and to figure out which ones they like best. This will help you figure out your cats’ preferences for texture, temperature, and flavor so that you can begin to pick out appropriate commercial wet foods for them. Ultimately, it may allow you to transition them to a raw diet they enjoy.

I have a mantra that you cannot trick, force, or starve a cat into a new diet. They will always win that battle. And like you, I believe that most commercial wet foods are better than no wet at all.  Finally, it is more important that cats eat sufficiently (even if it is a poor diet) than starve themselves to death. With that being said though, keep trying. Don’t give up on the possibility that your cats may come to see the light one day soon.  You may just need to give it more time and become a little more creative in your offerings. Good luck and let me know how it goes.

Blind FeLV positive kitten

Two years ago we adopted a kitten blind and positive for Felv. As we have 4 other cats, all negative, we all vaccinated with the V5 before her arrival. Everyone is living very well and healthy. Here in Brazil some veterinarians advise to give our kitten Felv + a medicine called INTERFERON, but because she is blind I think taking the medicine every day leaves her very stressed. Do you advise to keep this medicine? Is there something natural? Thank you! – Maria Carolina Gavioli

Hi Maria, you are so wonderful for adopting a blind kitty that also has feline leukemia. Thank you for having such a kind heart. Unless your cat is symptomatic I typically do not recommend Interferon for healthy cats with FeLV. Reducing your cat’s stress is more important to her overall health and the best way to make sure she remains happy and healthy is by making sure it is kept to a minimum. The natural way to help her is by feeding a quality diet and making sure she is kept active, engaged, and entertained both physically and mentally. Fresh air, sunshine, and lots of love will fulfill her needs so that she remains healthy. Because FeLV cats are living with a compromised immune system it is important to keep their stress to a minimum and avoid immunosuppressive drugs if possible. You were correct to question the benefit of Interferon for your baby and it may not be the best choice for her. She is lucky to have such a smart and caring mom.

Cat fights with brother and aggravates older cat

I adopted brother and sister cats about 8 years ago. The male is sweet and friendly. The female likes me, but I can’t pick her up. She likes to be petted. She loves my nearly 15 yo Siamese female cat who grooms her, but it is getting on her nerves. The younger one will not leave her alone and throws herself on my Siamese who has arthritis. I can push her away with difficulty, but back she comes. She also will hiss and fight with her brother for a favored spot. He gives in and she always wins. What can I do with her? – Judy Lust

Hi Judy, your baby girl sounds like she is gushing with personality and energy. I recommend you celebrate her character while finding ways to keep her active, engaged, and entertained. She sounds like a normal cat that does not like to be picked up, enjoys being groomed, and occasionally beats up on her brother. Those are all typical cat behaviors.  However, I understand your desire for her to be less of a nuisance to her housemates. I believe you can best accomplish that by keeping her mind and body stimulated with more opportunities to play, hunt, chase, forage, climb, run, and pounce with furniture and toys that help her express her natural desires. She may be looking for outlets to expend energy by picking on her brother or over grooming your Siamese. There are some helpful tips in a recent blog I wrote about kitty boredom. You and your other kitties will all be much happier if you are able to redirect her energy by engaging her in more playful activities as opposed to trying to stop her behavior all together. What a lucky owner you are to have the joy of living with three wonderful cats. You are blessed.

Cats in windowless basement apartment

I’m in a situation with my cats where I live in a basement apartment with no windows. It’s been 2 years with 1 more to go. I’m very sad and worried about them. I play bird videos and even bought a SAD light. We went from tons of windows and sun and wildlife to nothing. Can you help? Thank you. – Claudette

Hi Claudette, your current circumstance makes me sad too and I understand your angst. I believe strongly that cats need fresh air and sunshine to remain happy and healthy. Unfortunately, until you are able to secure a more suitable location for your kitties, the only suggestion I have is to play with them constantly making sure they are running, jumping, pouncing, and chasing, and to make sure you are providing them with places to climb and hide. You can bring the outdoors in for them by bringing home branches, grass, leaves, and other items from the outside for them to explore. If your cats have the right temperament and personality to adapt to a harness or stroller they might be good candidates for taking them on adventures outside. Hopefully, your current situation is only temporary and you will soon be able to find a sunnier place for them to live. In the meantime, you may want to seek out retired neighbors or ones who work from home who have windows that might enjoy allowing your cats to spend playdates with them. Good luck!

Cat stopped using litter box after bout with diarrhea

I have a question for Dr. Bahr: My 2 year old kitty recently had diarrhea; it may have been from my mistakenly purchasing the wrong food. Since a check with the vet and a round of antibiotics, she has had a little bit of blood next to her stool every time she poops. Moreover, she refuses to use the litter box when she goes #2 (she does pee inside the box thank goodness). She used to poop on the couch next to where I usually sit or on the kitchen table (YUCK!!); now, she simply goes next to one of the littler boxes. I took her back to the vet for another check and he said nothing is wrong. I also got some Feliway plug ins. But this isn’t normal. Any ideas? – Kathleen

Hi Kathleen,you are correct to assume that the problems your cat is having is not normal and I think you are a smart mom for knowing that. I would need a lot more information from you in order to properly diagnose what is going on and how to treat it. Did this come on suddenly or has she always defecated out of box? What is the consistency of the stool – hard, soft, or normal? How often does she defecate? What are you feeding her? Do you have other cats or is she an only child? These are just a few of the questions that would lead me in the right direction of diagnosing and treating this issue.

Without knowing the particular details it is hard for me to help you specifically. However, your little girl is certainly trying to tell you something and perhaps it is time for a second opinion. If there are any feline only veterinarians in your area I would suggest you start there. Hopefully, this will be an easy problem to fix.

Gluten-free cat food

I have a 18 week British Shorthair kitten. What are your thoughts on gluten free food like Wellness Core kitten food. – Arlinda Dungan

Hi Arlinda, congratulations on your new teddy bear and thank you for writing to me. When it comes to feeding cats, I believe in feeding lots of different textures, brands and flavors. Since you have a kitten this is a great time to make sure that he does not get stuck eating one food or brand of food. This is the time to introduce him to everything, including raw food.

Cats in the wild eat a variety of animals like mice, squirrels, birds, and bugs. They primarily scavenger for food and eat scraps and refuse or whatever they can find that is available and tasty. Therefore, it is not natural for them to simply eat one diet or protein source. That is why I don’t recommend you concentrate on a particular brand or whether or not it is gluten free but rather prefer you begin to feed your new kitty a smorgasbord instead. I hope this answers your question and that you will begin offering your new bundle of joy unlimited opportunities to expand his palate.

Feral cat with discharge from his nose

I have a stray/feral cat that I have been feeding for about a year. He hangs around on my back porch, I have provided food and water for him and a nice hated house. However, I have noticed that he has a bloody, mucus discharge from his nose. This has been going on all fall and winter. He will not even allow me to approach him – I’ve wanted to try and trap him to get him to my vet. Any suggestions? – Gail Waller

Hi Gail, I want to thank you for taking care of this stray cat that has no one else looking out for him. You are his angel and he is lucky to have you. Unfortunately, I do not have any suggestions for you unless you are able to get him seen by a veterinarian. Nasal discharges can be have many underlying causes and a proper diagnose is essential for prescribing a successful treatment plan. You may be able to trap him if you begin by simply placing the trap next to his house for a few weeks. Then begin putting food inside so that he comfortably goes in there and eats. Once it has become a routine he is used to, you can set the trap and transport him to your veterinarian. Hopefully, he is just a scared cat and not as feral as you think. That is often the case with many cats living on the streets and this guy could turn into a pussycat once trapped and medically treated. I hope that is the case with your outdoor friend. Thank you again for taking care of him in the best way possible.

Do you have a question for Dr. Bahr? Leave it in a comment!

The post Ask the Cat Doc: Rotating Foods, Blind FeLV+ Kitten, Cat Refuses to Use Litter Box, and More appeared first on The Conscious Cat.