sugarpinksworld

[justtogetthrough]

Today I went outside and it extra smelled like ~farm~ and it was this surreal moment where I felt like a character from the show I just watched, having to escape to a new place to get away from all the fucked up shit that was causing trouble.

I walked out to grab my garbage can, looking at the farms around me and thinking about how I’ve never lived in the country before, and how my ex is the reason I’m here. I literally had to leave the place that once felt like home and start a new life over in a new place and it’s all so different and it’s… hard. To go from the lifestyle I had before, to this.

[smallerinfinities]

mad woman (nessian)

a/n: In which Nesta copes and Feyre interjects

hello! again, new here ☺️ this kind of just...happened? the idea came upon me late talking with @harryandmolly​ idk anyways hope you enjoy! if you don’t like modern AUs then this probably isn’t for you, but if you’re into that sort of thing and all the warnings that go with it then I would love to hear what you think!

tw: angst, coping with death, sex work, language

original art by the incomparable charlie bowater

Things were great until they weren’t. 

Nesta Archeron had been engaged. She had a father who loved her and a sister she adored. Until the plane crash. Until a faulty navigational system sent her fiancé, her father, and her sister into the side of a mountain on the way to her destination wedding.

She had gone to Hybern early, to get settled and calm her nerves, to plan around the security that Feyre had hired so that Rhys could attend the wedding. Nesta had told her not to bother, Rhys could stay in Velaris for all she cared. She’d gone and set it all up anyway. But it had all exploded when Nesta got the call that her world had ended and all she had left was a sister she resented and a brother-in-law with too high a profile. She was a tragic headline. A fucking media circus. 

High Lord Rhysand’s sister-in-law left at the altar in tragic plane crash. 

The press camped outside her Velaris studio for weeks. They’d only left when she had thrown a maelstrom of empty glass bottles out of her windows at them. Empty because she’d come back to Velaris and crawled inside a whiskey bottle and stayed there. She might be more whiskey than person now. The days were passing at a rate she couldn’t gauge anymore. Had it been hours or days or months since she’d picked up the phone in the middle of placing name cards on tables in the reception hall? She didn’t particularly care. Everyone who mattered was dead and being drunk was better than counting the minutes since her future had evaporated. 

A knock sounded at the door. 

Nesta removed the eye mask she was wearing and squinted at her phone. 7:15 AM. She’d been up all night again, had just laid down to try and sleep. Who the fuck was at her door at this hour?

She knew but she opened the door anyway. 

Feyre Archeron, High Lady of the Night Court, was in the hallway looking worried. Well, Nesta assumed she was looking worried. She could only see Feyre’s furrowed eyebrows between the oversized sunglasses and the wide-brimmed sun hat. She had wrapped her red-gold hair, twin to Nesta’s own color, into a low chignon to hide it away from prying eyes. A disguise. Nesta snorted. Feyre Archeron could be noticed in this city by a blind man a hundred yards down a busy avenue. It was the way she carried herself, the easy confidence. No one could mistake her for anyone but their High Lady. 

“What do you want?” Nesta crossed her arms over her chest, blocking the view into her apartment.

“Well, to start, a little respect for the person who has been footing your liquor bill for the last eight months.” Her red lips were turned down at the corners, tight. She angled her head past Nesta’s shoulder and crinkled her nose, “God, I don’t even need to see in there to know what it must look like. I can smell it from here. And I can see you.” 

Nesta kept her face a mask of annoyance but considered how she must look. Compared to Feyre’s heavy cream sweater and perfectly tailored tan pants, anyone would look slovenly but Nesta knew she'd let herself go.

A while ago, she’d taken to wearing Tomas’ shirts to bed. Then eventually she wasn’t getting out of bed so it was all the time, changing only when she found the strength to shower. Today’s shirt—more like this week’s shirt if she was being honest with herself—was an old striped dress shirt, one Tomas had maybe worn twice with a suit. It now had several stains from whiskey and whatever takeout she had ordered last night. She couldn’t quite remember. Chinese? Greek? 

It didn’t matter. Nothing mattered. Her marriage was supposed to be one of convenience. They had been friends, had both gotten older and then tossed in the towel on dating. Tomas needed a cover for a lifestyle his parents forbade and Nesta...well Nesta wanted to be comfortable. Nesta wanted her sister to stop meddling and leave her alone. At least, she thought she did. 

But, no one had known. No one except Elain.

It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter. 

Her hair hadn’t been washed in days, it was matted in some places, stuck to her face in others. She knew her eyes were hollow, sunken in and lacking that fire people saw when they looked at her. She’d been avoiding her own reflection for weeks, had even covered the mirror by the door. Months ago, apparently. Eight months. 

Had it really been that long? Had she really been moving from bottle to bottle, takeout container to takeout container, for eight whole months? She’d barely left the apartment, had lost her job, happy to exploit Feyre’s seemingly unending pity. Pity she guessed had run out. 

Today. 

She didn’t care about that either.

“Come all this way to chide me, dear sister?” Nesta curled her lips as she moved aside to let Feyre through. Might as well let her see. 

“Thank you.” Her sister breezed into the little sitting area and stopped dead.

Her eyes scanned the room, marking the recycling bin first, overflowing with empty glass bottles. All different labels. Whatever Nesta could find quickest. Then the kitchen counters, filled with boxes of crackers and empty ramen noodle packages, cans of tuna and an open jar of peanut butter, anything that could be quickly consumed with minimal effort. She didn’t want to die, but she hadn’t exactly been concerned with living either. 

At last her eyes darted to the corner, over by the window, where a white dress hung from a hunting knife that had been punched through the wall. Straight through the center of the sweetheart neckline. Nesta had lost count of the weeks it had been there. A reminder. A memorial. Little circular burns littered the fishtail skirt, remnants of late nights with too much booze and an ashtray full of half-smoked blunts still on the windowsill. 

“Oh, Nesta.” Feyre’s hand came up to cup her mouth. Nesta raised her chin, refusing to feel reprimanded. “I’m sending Alis this afternoon.” 

“I can look after myself,” Nesta hissed through her teeth. 

“Clearly,” Feyre threw her arms wide and turned in a circle, “you cannot. You know I came here hoping you were getting better. I gave you space, knew you blamed me for what happened. At least partially. But it’s time, Nesta. I lost them too. But I don’t have the luxury of drinking and smoking my way into oblivion on my sister’s dime.” 

“Is this just about the money?” Nesta asked incredulously, “I’ll fucking pay you back if that’s what you’re worried about.” 

“No, no,” Feyre brushed a lock of hair out of her face, frustrated, “it’s not the money. I don’t care about the money. Neither does Rhys. We just want you to come back to the land of the living.” 

“Ah, yes. The royal We.” Nesta sat abruptly on her sunken couch and leaned forward, not caring that she was just wearing a pair of underwear beneath the oversized shirt, “how is dearest Rhys? High Lording as well as ever I presume. Now with better reasons than ever to hate me.” 

“He doesn’t hate you,” she said too quickly, wringing her fingers for a moment before she whispered, “we...we missed you at the funerals.” 

Nesta’s blood ran cold. Her eyes swam with tears that wouldn’t fall.

“I know why you didn’t show,” Feyre couldn’t look at her, “I almost understand it...but we still missed you. Father was interred with full honors of the Night Court. I’m having a garden planted for Elain up at the estate. You should come see it when you’re ready.” 

Nesta really needed a drink. Feyre needed to leave. She couldn’t do this. Not now. Not today. Not ever. 

“Get out.” 

“Nesta—”

“Get out.” Nesta’s voice was low, lethal. 

“Fine,” the High Lady voice was back in full force, “I only really came to give you this.” She pulled out what looked like a business card from her freshly pressed pant pocket, “this might seem...forward. But, I think it might help you. Rhys and I use the service sometimes when we’re looking for something different. I know you won’t go see someone. This might be a different kind of therapy. Tell her I sent you, she’ll know what to do.”

“Fine, fine,” Nesta took the card from her, hoping it would get her to leave faster, “get out.” 

“Nesta,” Feyre stopped and took a breath, her hand wrapped around the doorknob, “please do be discrete.” 

Nesta furrowed her brow, but nodded. She had been, for the most part. Except on nights she was too blitzed to remember her own name, let alone that her sister was High Lady of this region. 

“I’m still sending Alis,” Feyre wrinkled her nose again as she opened the door and strolled out. And that was that. No goodbye. They hadn’t ever been good at those. 

Nesta blinked at the door, the apartment suddenly feeling small and cramped. She turned over the card in her hand. It had only a name and a number. AMREN. 202-555-0187. She flicked it onto the table. Whatever, she thought as she sauntered over to the kitchen and took a swig from the nearest whiskey bottle. 

↞↠

“Ms. Archeron.”

“Yes?” The tone of the man’s voice made her drop the place card she had been holding. 

“There’s been an accident. A plane crash,” he hesitated. Her eyes stopped seeing. Her body shivered with a bone-rattling chill despite the summer sun streaming into the room through the open windows. They couldn’t be—

“Say it.” Her voice was a breath on the wind. 

“There were no survivors.”

She didn’t hear the rest. Someone was screaming. A crash, glass breaking, warmth sliding down her leg. A sharp, metallic smell in the air. She couldn’t hear them calling her name, couldn’t feel their fingers gripping her skin, feel the pressure of the towel collecting the blood from the gash in her leg. 

A plane crash, he’d said. No survivors. 

Tomas was dead. 

Her father was dead.

Elain…she had just planted flowers for spring. 

A fresh scream ripped from her throat.

↞↠

She woke up with it echoing in her ears, heart pounding. Wrenching the fresh sheets off her clammy skin, she felt for the scar on her thigh, catapulting her back into the present. Nesta hadn’t let them stitch it for days, had wanted to remember. It had almost festered. Feyre had held her down while they numbed and sutured. Most of those days were lost now, either to shock or sleep, she didn’t know. It hadn’t taken long for the drinking to start. 

Her head was pounding. Alis had stormed the apartment hours earlier, tut-tutting about the stale stench, throwing open every window. Nesta actually appreciated the fresh air. She didn’t appreciate the old woman’s silent appraisal of her ruined wedding dress. 

“Don’t touch it,” Nesta had snapped. Alis had tut-tutted some more, cleaning as she went, but she left the dress alone. 

Now, with a clean apartment and nothing to keep her company but her own self-pity, she laid spread-eagle in her bed that felt too big in clothes that felt too clean. Nothing matched her insides anymore. The small, decrepit thing inside of her that shrivelled that day and rejected everything still living. Even herself. She had never been a particularly warm person, but Elain, sweet and beautiful Elain, had made her care about something outside of herself.

She got up to find something to dull her head. A bottle of ibuprofen sat on the coffee table, next to a decanter of scotch. She washed the pills down with the brown liquor and sat on the edge of the sofa, her head in her hands.

The silence pressed her on her eardrums. An oppressive lack of sound, only the barest of sounds audible on the street. Too quiet. For the first time in months it was too quiet. Her head shot up and focused, eyes darting to the card neatly placed in the corner of the table. 

Amren. 

What had Feyre meant, “a different kind of therapy”? Hell would have to freeze over before Nesta crawled onto a couch to talk about her feelings, Feyre had admitted as much. So what was this? 

She picked up the card and flipped it over. Simple, white, just the number in embossed black. The curiosity was going to kill her if she didn’t just call the number. She reached for her phone, hauled out from between the couch cushions by Alis earlier. It had been dead for weeks. She’d given up on ignoring the condolences calls and just let the battery drain. Probably why Feyre had shown up yesterday unannounced. She swiped past all of the missed call and voicemail notifications and pulled up the keypad. 

It only rang once. 

“Yes?” A clipped, cold voice answered the phone. 

“Uhh, is this Amren?” 

“Speaking,” her voice didn’t soften, “can I help you?” 

“My sister gave me your card,” Nesta didn’t like this woman. She wracked her brain to think of how this person could help her, especially when she didn’t particularly want anyone’s help. 

“And who, my dear,” Nesta could hear the snide smile in Amren’s voice, “is your sister?”

“Feyre,” Nesta huffed, “Feyre Archeron.” 

“Oh, Feyre darling! Why didn’t you say so?” Amren warmed immediately. Well, at least to a level above stone cold. “Yes, Feyre told me about you.”

“You must have read—”

“I don't read the news, dear girl,” Amren said, flippant. “I have someone perfect for you. I will send him. Already have your address.” 

God, she really needed to have a conversation with Feyre about boundaries. Who is she sending?

“Who are you sending?” Nesta had not been sober long enough for this. Her brain wasn’t firing quick enough to deal with whoever this person was sending to her apartment. 

“His name is Cassian. He’ll be at your apartment in two hours.” 

Two hours?!

“I can’t have anyone in my apartment in two hours! What is this??” 

“We call it therapy,” just like Feyre had, “you don’t need to do anything to prepare.” 

“But I don’t even—” The line went dead. 

Nesta stared at her phone. How could I prepare if I don’t know what to prepare for?

↞↠

Two hours later, Nesta was pacing. Nervous. She was rarely nervous but she was also rarely unprepared. This felt like a bad omen, like suspense in a horror film. Like this Cassian might jump out of the shadows at any moment from some secret portal. 

She had washed her hair but no makeup. She had put on leggings but no real pants. There were concessions she was willing to make and others she wasn’t. It didn’t matter that they were only concessions to her own pride. Feyre got one opportunity to meddle in Nesta’s life, one opportunity to try and control how she coped with losing everything. Nesta would endure it in her own home, in her bare feet, or she wouldn’t endure it at all. 

An assertive knock at the door made her jump. 

Her heart thundered. She hadn’t talked to a man in months, let alone been in a small space with one. Now there was one at her door. She padded across her expensive rug, smoothing her hair as she went. Her hand gripped the doorknob, giving herself a second to stop shaking. Breathe in, breathe out. She jerked the door open only to be left utterly speechless. 

The most beautiful man she’d ever seen was leaning on the door frame, forearms crossed over his massive chest. 

“Nesta?” one corner of his full mouth curved upward. He inclined his head behind her left shoulder after she nodded. “Gonna let me in?” 

“Why should I?” She challenged, angling her chin up at him. 

“Because,” his shoulder length black hair slid into his face as his towering frame looked down at her. He came closer and held her chin between his rough fingers, “you’re at least a little curious about what I’m doing here.” 

Nesta ripped her face from his hands and took a step away from him. His hazel eyes stripped her bare. How does he do that? He appraised her frankly, taking in her sloppily thrown together appearance. The baby hairs that clung to the side of her face, unable to stay in her top knot. Her soft curves that the oversized t-shirt she wore only hinted at. All the way down to her toes, the cracked polish left over from her wedding manicure, just a couple of splotches of color left. 

His gaze sent a warmth through her. She tried to will it away, send it back to the hell she belonged in. Shaking her head, she stuck him with a glare. 

“Fine,” she stepped aside, “come in and tell me what you’re doing here so I can tell you to get out.” 

He walked in smoothly, his gray slacks gripping his toned thighs with each stride. Too casual, Nesta thought, for a therapist, especially with his white shirt open at the collar and rolled to his elbows. Not that she actually believed whatever this was even approached therapy.

He stopped in the center of Nesta’s living room and turned, giving the place as detailed a once-over as he had given her. His eyes only paused briefly on the wedding dress still hanging in the corner, but he faced her again as if nothing were out of the ordinary. 

“So,” he took up so much space as he spoke, too big, too much life for this apartment that had only contained her hollow soul for so long, “everyone up to this point has referred to this appointment as therapy, correct?” 

“Yes,” Nesta replied, curt. “But you’re no therapist, are you, Cassian?”

He snorted, a challenge to her fire temper. She didn’t like to be mocked and somehow he knew that. “No, I’m no therapist.” 

“I’m what is referred to in the circles you run in as an escort, a friend, of sorts.” He looked her dead in the eye. No shame, no fear. Just a professional. “We call it therapy, first and foremost for discretion, but also because I’m here to make you feel better. Feel alive again. In whatever form that might take.”

Nesta stiffened. Her mouth dropped open. No. “My sister sent me a hooker? You’re telling me that, my sister, the High Lady of the Night Court, sent me a hooker?!” 

She could barely keep up with the 100 mile an hour thoughts racing through her head. It wasn’t long before the pacing started again. Feyre said she uses the service sometimes...with Rhys?! She maybe could have guessed that her sister and her ass of a husband were freaky but prostitutes?! Couldn’t they just ask someone? 

Nesta, please do be discrete, she’d said as she walked out the door. She guessed paying for silence was easier than risking a secret. Money is always the best form of currency. 

Well, I guess I fucking know why. And she set this up for me?! What in hell’s fire did she think she was doing?

Cassian just stood there while her brain worked, while it exploded with all of this new information. So still, a statue compared to her frantic pacing. He must deal with this a lot. But wait, don’t people usually know what they’re asking for?! 

“You’ve never–“ she couldn’t finish the question out loud. Sharing was something foreign to Nesta even when she wasn’t talking about sexual partners. 

“No,” he shook his head, “Amren wouldn’t have sent me here if I had. She just told me the context of the visit.”

“So, you’re here,” Nesta stopped in front of him, “to have sex with me?” The words came out a whisper. They sounded so foreign, so ridiculous. 

“I’m here to help you.” He took a step toward her. The walls came down fast.

“And why do you think you can help me?” The words cut through the space like a knife. Accusatory, incredulous, they almost stung passing over her vocal cords. 

“Because, dear Nesta,” he took another step toward her, and another, “I’m very good at helping people.” 

The warmth in her blood returned and warred with the acid coursing through her veins, the hate. It came raging back from this morning, from the past months, from ten minutes ago when this cocky prick knocked on her door. He was staring again, close enough to have to look down at her, just an inch or two from touching. 

“I don’t need help from a high-dollar whore,” she spat. The only sign that she’d hit her mark was a faint twitch in his eyebrow. 

“I’ve been called worse, sweetheart,” he drawled. “But let’s get one thing straight. I think you need help more than you’d ever admit. I don’t think you’ve taken a breath since then. I read the papers. A beloved dead sister. Absent from the funerals. You blame yourself for not being there, for not dying with them. The guilt warms your bed at night while you lie awake, as much a part of you as the alcohol that twinges your breath. It’s become so familiar you don’t remember what it’s like without it. Who would Nesta Archeron be without that dark stain on her conscience following her like a storm cloud? Will all those liquor bottles I saw outside answer that question for you? Will that tattered wedding dress?”

“How dare–“ she felt the door press against her back, unconsciously moving with him while he lashed at her burning soul, fire for fire. 

“Oh, I dare,” he continued, planting his hands on the door behind her, trapping her with his eyes. “Because take it from someone who knows, when you decide to wake up and live with what you have left instead of existing with everything you’ve lost, there may not be anything left to live with. And trust me, guilt makes a very lonely bedfellow.”

Nesta had barely blinked this whole time, refusing to let him have that victory. Even if everything he’d said had hit home. Even if everything he’d said had flayed her open and raked her insides across the coals. She still burned with that unyielding rage. 

“Is that what you say to all the girls that pay for your time?” she asked, cocking her head to the side. She was close enough to smell him, the warm spice of clove and sandalwood with a distinctly male musk. It was intoxicating. It was infuriating. 

“Some. Some of the men, too. I’m an equal opportunity tough lover.” 

She swallowed hard. He was close enough that if she moved an inch his hair might brush her cheek. “Is that what this is? Tough love? For someone you just met?”

“It’s the truth,” his breath tickled her face, the tension crackling like static electricity around them, “isn’t it?”

He sounded tentative for the first time, like maybe he’d overstepped. Is it really so obvious?

“Did Feyre pay you to say those things?” Or were they just written so plainly on her face?

“Nooo,” he said, lower than before, gentler, raising one of his hands like he might stroke her cheek. She cursed herself silently for hoping. He came closer then, his lips a hair’s breadth away from her ear, “Feyre paid me to fuck you senseless.” 

Goddamn him. Fire shot into her veins. Not the simmering fury of her anger but something deeper, hotter, pooling in her core. Her breath caught in a little gasp and he smiled. A wide, full grin with teeth that made him look more predator than man.

Her body was a traitor, but it made no difference. She was already burning in hell.

Cassian held still, letting her make the next move. Part of her wanted to make him stand there forever, punish him for what he said, what he knew about her, daring to say what no one else would with just one look. A different part of her wanted to rip him apart. 

“Come on, Nesta,” a prince of cats toying with his prey, “show me that fi–“

Her lips crashed against his. God, he was big. She reached around him, fingers tensed to claw at his back, and savored the muscles and sinews that made up the terrain. He pressed her into the door. His hands cupped her face, so gentle for a kiss that was anything but. Flames licked her skin everywhere he touched, at every point their bodies connected through clothing.

He leaned and gripped and suddenly she was taller than him, her legs wrapped around his middle, his fingers pressed into the curve of her ass. She gripped the sides of his face and guided him to the side, forcing herself deeper, her tongue brazenly exploring his mouth. He even tasted wild, like fresh mint and adrenaline. Her heart beat in her ears, deafening over the silence of the apartment. He moaned, so deep it vibrated in her chest.

Nesta broke first, pupils blown and breath ragged.

“Finally shut you up?” she asked, sagging back against the door, her head falling against the wood with a low thud. 

He….well, he growled. There was no other word for the sound that rippled through his whole body and found a home between her legs. Her toes curled and she thanked every god that he couldn’t see. 

“Pretty little acid tongue,” he pushed them off the door and walked her toward the bed, almost tripping twice over the plush rug. Nesta didn’t notice. She was too busy tearing at the buttons down Cassian’s chest. Each one revealed inch after inch of smooth golden skin. Licks of black ink stretched from his shoulders, mostly hidden by more shirt. She huffed, trying to shove it off, but instead caught his nipple by accident with her nails. 

His nostrils flared as he hissed and dropped her unceremoniously on the mattress. She bounced, breathless. Dangerously close to a giggle. Traitor. She schooled her features back to bored disdain. The only hint of lust was the glassy haze in her vision, honed in on Cassian’s bare chest. 

He had removed his shirt while she had been distracted by her traitorous body, discarded it somewhere above her. The black inked lines Nesta had seen stretched around his shoulders and down his arms in dark whorls and spirals. The tattoo was almost feminine in its pure decoration, a stark contrast to his cut biceps. It was beautiful. 

He was beautiful. 

“Careful, Nesta,” he chided, “someone might think you like what you see.” 

She gave him a filthy gesture. A deep, rumbling laugh escaped him as he took a step closer, his fingers grazing the outer seams of her leggings. From her ankle to her knee, where he stopped to make circles. He curved around her knee and gripped her legs, tugging her to the edge of the bed. The palms of his hands burned her skin straight through her leggings. He hadn’t tried to remove her clothes. She couldn’t decide if it was a tease or an insult. Probably both. 

“Are you just going to talk?” she cocked an eyebrow at him, “or are you going to do something productive with that mouth?” 

His eyes narrowed, “are you sure that’s what you want?” 

She wanted him. Damn her, she wanted him so bad she could barely stand to look at him. The guilt roiled in her stomach, that she should take pleasure while everyone she’d loved could no longer. He’d offered her help, but it would be her damnation. No, this was just a distraction. No amount of distraction could bring back Tomas, or her father, or Elain. 

Light from the city outside shifted and spread into the corner drawing her eye. The dress. Her wedding dress. In the night shadows, the blunt burns looked like angry, gaping voids. They whispered to her as she stared. Traitor, traitor, traitor. 

I’m here to help you. His words were poison. Bred from a kind of hope only Feyre, with her perfect life, could ever have again after what they had lost. Her want for Cassian’s body burned her from the inside, stoked the fires of the self-inflicted hell she’d cast herself into. Nothing more than a catalyst. She could take his body and burn for doing so, but she would not accept his help. 

“Cassian,” Nesta’s voice didn’t belong to her. She pulled her t-shirt up to just below her breasts, exposing her flat stomach and drawing his eyes to her waistband. “just do what you came to do.” 

The air chilled as he stiffened. Her heart raced, waiting for him, fingers teasing her bare skin. He didn’t move. She lifted a bare foot and ran it along his pant leg, coaxing him to touch her. He nodded, as if making some decision Nesta wasn’t privy to. His face, lit so beautifully by the moonlight, hardened into a mask. A smooth, smiling mask. Prince of cats no more. 

“Cassian?” 

“Dear Nesta, I do believe our time is up,” he leaned down and reached over her, his chest just grazing her belly, the only skin to skin contact they’d had. She swore she felt him shudder, but it was over in an instant. He quickly retrieved his shirt from behind her and pulled it on. 

She gaped at him, “what do you mean our time is up?” 

“I mean,” his eyes shot right through her with cool confidence, “it’s getting late and I do need my beauty sleep. I must be going.” 

“But–“ she didn’t understand. Isn’t this what he wanted? Isn’t this how he gets paid? How can he leave? 

He buttoned up his shirt, swift and efficient. Little feeling or warmth. Nesta wasn’t sure what to do. Confusion quickly gave way to anger, boiling in her veins, flushing her skin.

“So, you’re not just a whore,” she hissed, “you’re a bastard whore that can’t even finish the job.” 

“So lovely meeting you, dear Nesta,” he turned with a sweet smile and opened the door, sending any tension between them out into the hallway. He breezed through the door, clicking it shut behind him so gently he might have been a phantom. 

Nesta slammed her head against the mattress and let out a frustrated scream so loud she had no doubt the bastard whore heard it.

taglist: @sleeping-and-books @greerlunna @sjmships @cupcakey00 @queenestarcheron

Cassian’s POV is next ❤️

[loveisblindfanfictionbka]

Love Is Blind: Chapter Four

Leandra and Melissa sat at the cafe table with Robyn and she told them about her conversation with Chris. 

“So he’s got you thinking exactly what we’ve been telling you all these years,” Melissa mused.

“No, he just has me questioning if there was something in my marriage that I missed,” Robyn replied.

“I think you should meet him, Robs,” Leandra interjected, “you two seem to have a really good understanding.”

“No, we have a good thing going. I don’t want to ruin that.”

“I don’t think you want to be happy.”

“I do want to be happy but on my own terms. And I’m not ready. Talking to him made me think about my ex and just reminded me that I really still love him. And I don’t want to. I swear I don’t want to but something has this hold on me and-”

“We get it. Y’all were together for a long time.”

“It’s not just that. It’s- you ever meet someone and you just know that they’re it? Well he was it for me.”

“So what do you call this thing with Christian?”

“A friendship. I have no interest in making it more than that.”

“You ever been to therapy?”

“I tried it for a few weeks but I didn’t get anywhere.”

“Maybe you should try it again.”

“I don’t know.”

“Robyn, do you like being miserable or something? Is that the only thing still connecting you to Chris? Because if not, I don’t understand your apprehension to getting better.”

“I want to get better, I’m just scared of what that means.”

“Well Sis, you’ll never find out until you try.”

Robyn sat back in her office after returning from lunch with Leandra and Melissa. She didn’t have any appointments until 3 unless any emergencies came in so she had time to just think. She grabbed her phone and went to her dating app

A: Are you available to talk?

A few minutes went by before she got an answer

C: Sure, I just finished my last class. What’s up?

A: My friends think I should go to therapy

C: Ok. What do you think?

A: I’m not ready.

C: Why do you think that?

A: I don’t want to spill my guts to a stranger. Not when there’s someone who deserves it more

C: Deserves what? Your anger or your feelings?

A: My anger

C: So tell that person

A: I don't know where he is

C: So find him. I doubt your ex-husband was like some CIA type

A: Lol, no but I don’t think I’m ready to talk to him either

C: Do you ever think you’ll be ready?

A: I’m not sure

C: I think you’re thinking about it too much. Honestly, therapy should be for you and no one else. If you aren’t ready you won’t do anything but waste your money because you’ll fight everything at every turn. Nothing penetrates if you aren’t ready to hear it. And even if the therapist does happen to get through to you, it will not give you the closure that you’re seeking. The questions you want answers to, only your ex-husband can answer

A: I hate that you’re right.

C: Lol, there’s a lot of trauma that influences this rightness

A: Unfortunately. How are you? Was rude of me not to ask that first

C: You had something important to say, no worries. I’m fine. I was talking to my daughter and she wants a puppy

A: What kind?

C: Not sure yet. We’re gonna do some research before we make a decision

A: That’s good. I’ve had a lot of puppies be sent to my shelter because people didn’t pick the right dog for their lifestyle

C: That must suck. Do you have any pets?

A: No, I’m not home enough

C: Ah, understandable

A: would the puppy be your first pet?

C: No, I had a dog when I was a child but in my old profession, me and my ex were never home enough, it was always something with either my job or hers

A: That’s understandable. 

C: You ready for your gala?

A: Physically? Yes. Emotionally? No. I’m working on convincing myself not to cancel

C: Is it really that hard?

A: Yes but I made a promise to my employees and stuff so I really do want to honor that

C: Do you need another incentive?

A: Depends on what you’re suggesting

C: How about a gift? Just for your effort of going to this event

A: And how am I supposed to get said gift?

C: I can mail it. Do you have a secure mailing address you would like me to send it to?

Robyn thought about her random PO Box that she uses when she doesn’t want to give out her work or home address.

A: PO Box 124, New York, NY 10003. Do I get to know what the gift is beforehand?

C: Nope. I’ll send it and make sure it arrives the morning of your gala. Think that’ll work?

A: I guess but I’m nervous about what it could be

C: You’ll see

A: And do you have a secure mailing address?

C: PO Box 762, Middletown, NY 10940

A: Upstate. Do you travel to the city every day or?

C: No, I have a condo near Columbia. I stay during the week then go home on the weekends. 

A: How many hours of a drive?

C: Actually like 2 hours. It gives me some peace from the loud city life and gives my daughter some balance.

A: What’s it like up there?

C: Very spacious. I live in a somewhat rural part of Middletown. I have a couple acres of land surrounding my house.

A: I can’t even imagine what that would look like. Even when I lived in California, I was in the busiest part.

C: I think I appreciate it because I’m older now. I definitely enjoyed living in the city when I was in Cali

A: It holds a beautiful sense of excitement

C: Do you live near your business or far away?

A: I have an apartment nearby but I might start looking for a house soon. Maybe renovate a brownstone

C: That’s always a good deal. Would you rent out?

A: Nah. I don’t have the energy to keep up with being a landlord. It’s a job within itself

C: Very true.

A: I’m guessing you should be going, is your daughter school age?

C: She goes to a headstart program at a private school since she’s only 3 but they keep her until around 5 in aftercare. I usually have a late class today but I canceled it

A: Oh. Is something wrong?

C: No, I’d just rather not be out and about this evening.

A: Ah. Well thanks for talking with me. I got an appointment coming in soon

C: Anything major?

A: Nope. Just a check up

C: Well if you have time, I’d love to talk to you again

A: Talk or chat?

C: Talk

A: My clinic closes at 7 so I should be home by 8

C; And dinner?

A: I’ll probably grab something on the way home

C: So how about a dinner date then? We’ll eat and keep each other company

A: I’d like that

C: Great. See you at 8

A: See you at 8

Robyn closed her app then rested her head on her desk. She was drained.

                                       ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“So what color is her dress? Jessica asked as she and Chris stood in the florist shop. 

“It’s navy blue.”

“I think this corsage would be perfect. It’s simple, elegant and can be pinned to the dress instead of being situated on her wrist.”

Chris walked over the piece his sister was referring to. It contained a navy blue rose, a white rose and some baby breaths, “I like that one.”

“Do they deliver to PO Boxes?”

“Yea, that’s why I picked this shop and it’s fairly close to the Post Office where her PO Box is.”

“Why didn’t you just get her work address?”

“The whole point is to be strangers. Giving me her work address would defeat that purpose. She’s an established vet, I could probably look up her work address and find her, which, again, defeats the point.”

“Do you know what she looks like?”

“Not really. Her photo was a full body shot so the closer you zoom in the blurrier it gets. Same as mine.”

“And that doesn’t worry you? What if she’s ugly?”

Chris laughed, “what does that matter? We don’t ever plan on meeting each other. 

Besides I’m not allowed to be nice to a possibly physically unattractive woman?

“You know that’s not what I’m saying. It’s just- I don’t understand this whole online dating thing”

“There’s nothing to understand because we’re not dating.”

“Yea. Right.”

“We are both in rebuilding stages of our lives and we like talking to each other. That’s all. If I was interested in more, I’d definitely would’ve insisted on meeting her or just moved on by now.”

“You told her about your nervous breakdown and suicide attempt. You haven’t even told your ex-wife that and you want me to believe you’re not dating.”

“Yes because we aren’t.”

“You’re buying her gifts?”

“I buy my friends gifts all the time.”

“You told her about Anesa.”

“And?”

“You talk almost everyday.”

“I’m not seeing your point.”

“My point is you’re dating this woman.”

“Jessica, big sister, I am not dating anyone. I like her, yes but that’s as far as it goes. I need a friend and she’s one for me. That’s it. That’s all.”

“You are so in denial, Chris.”

“I’ve accepted my situation, you’re the one with the conspiracy theories.”

“I’m just saying, I don’t want an ugly sister in law especially not after my last one. She was gorgeous and the point is to upgrade not backslide.”

“You get on my nerves, Jess.”

Jessica laughed, “is this all you’re getting for your friend?”

“Just because you said it like that, I am returning you home and finishing this adventure by myself.”

“Come on, don’t be like that Little Brother.”

“Then stop making this a bigger deal than what it is.”

   This was definitely a big deal. Robyn stared at the box of things Chris had delivered to her PO Box and her heart melted a bit. The flower corsage with navy and white roses was beautiful. She loved the card that came attached but what shook her was the books he had gifted. One night they had stayed up talking about literature and she mentioned that she loved poetry but never had the time to really build up a collection. Wrapped with a red bow were two compilations of black poets. The note under the bow stated, “I’d like to contribute the first books to your poetry collection. It’s always good to start with the essentials (smile).”

Robyn grabbed one of the books and sat down in a chair just as Leandra walked in with her hairstylist beside her.

“What’s all this?” Leandra asked.

“My friend sent me a gift.”

“Your online friend?”

“Yes.”

“Wow, he must really like you.”

“I like him too.”

“Did you send something back?”

“I just got this, this morning so I’m still thinking.”

“How’d he get your address?”

“He doesn't have it. I gave him my PO Box.”

“Oh your stalker box.”

“Don’t start, Lele.”

“So how you feel?”

“I’m ok. I still don’t wanna go.”

“Girl, I ain’t talking about this stupid ass gala. How do you feel about Chris?”

“What am I supposed to feel? I really love the gifts but that’s it”

“I’m looking at your face and it’s more than that.”

“He got me poetry books.”

“What? You found someone to indulge your weird ass literature taste.”

“Look, just because you only like sex books doesn’t make my taste weird. I am cultured.”

“I have a master’s degree too so save it. How’d he know to get that?”

“We had a conversation about books and I told him I always wanted to start a collection of poetry but never had the time nor knew where to start and I guess he remembered.”

“What made him send you a gift?”

“It was a little joke about how he could get me to not back out of the gala. I honestly wasn’t expecting him to go through with it but he did.”

“A man who keeps his word. He really likes you.”

“I know.”

“So...still never gonna meet him in person?”

“That was never part of the deal.”

Leandra groaned as she flopped down on the couch, “are you at least gonna get some from somebody at this gala?”

“Ewww….no. I’m staying at most an hour then coming back home.”

“Have you talked to Chris?”

“Not today.”

“Do you only chat on the app?”

“Yea.”

“Oh.”

“Why?”

“I thought you would’ve gotten his phone number by now.”

“Nah, that’s too personal. I wouldn’t give my number to someone I haven’t met yet.”

“So meet him.”

“No.”

“Ugh….you get on my nerves, Robyn.”

Robyn laughed, “what’s your plans for tonight?”

“Getting the baby from his father and going home.”

“How is my nephew?”

“He’s good.”

“And his father?”

“Still alive, unfortunately.”

“Don’t do Max like that.”

“He gets on my nerves.”

“How?”

“He keeps asking me if we’re getting back together.”

“Aww...Lele, he still loves you.”

“That’s not my problem.”

“And you still love him too. You always playing hard to get.”

“Ch….I am hard to get. Thank you very much.”

“Is that why y’all keep going on vacations together?”

“If a man wants to take me to Puerto Rico or Costa Rica free of charge, who am I to say no?”

Robyn laughed, “Lord, what are we gonna do with you?”

“Love me, duh.”

Leandra stayed until Robyn was ready to leave for the gala. As she climbed into the back of car, she grabbed her phone

A: Hey stranger

A few minutes passed before she received an answer.

C: Hey. How are you?

A: I’m great. On my way to the gala

C: Still decided against an escort?

A: Yea. Besides, I don’t plan on staying there long.

C: Ah ok

A: So….thank you for the gifts. The corsage is perfect for my dress

C: You’re very welcome. My sister helped me pick that out.

A: Tell her I said thank you

C: I will

A: So what are you up to?

C; Laundry and grading work

A: What’s the task this week?

C: Students had to craft an original piece of music modeled after a piece they enjoy so I’ve been listening to music tracks all day

A: How’s it sounding?

C: I’ve gotten a few good ones but what passes for music and what these students are modeling their pieces after is awful. 

A: That bad?

C: Some of these songs just can’t find a key and then when I listen to their reference tracks, I understand why. Music production has gotten so lazy over the years

A: You think so?

C: I’m gonna send you the best one I’ve heard and the worst one and tell me what you think

A: I’m getting homework now too, Professor

C: Lol. I just want you to hear what I’m dealing with

A: Send it. I’ll get back to you when I can

C: No rush. I’ll be home all weekend with this.

A: Cool. How’s the puppy search going?’

C: Good. We’ve narrowed it down to three puppies. I told her she has one week to pick one and then we’ll find a place to buy it.

A: As a shelter owner, please try and get a shelter dog. So many of them are good dogs that were in bad situations.

C: I will keep that in mind.

A: That’s all I ask

C: So what’s your plans after the gala?

A: Home.

C: Up for a video chat?’

A: Absolutely. I kinda miss your automated voice

C: Lol Same here

A: Anything else going on

C: Nope. I live a rather simple life.

A: Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

C: To be honest, I’m not quite sure

A: Something giving you doubts

C: My daughter told me she feels sad for me

A: Aww...why?

C: Because I’m alone. It’s kinda hard to explain to a three year old the difference between alone and lonely

A: Lol true but then don’t explain with words, show her with actions. She probably thinks you don’t have a life and for children, they haven’t commanded the power and beauty of peace and stillness. They still have so much they haven’t explored

C: You have a point

A: Honestly, if you find things to do when she’s not around, she’ll probably feel a bit better about you

C: I’ll have to find me a new hobby then

A: What’s your current hobby?

C: I don’t really have one to be honest. My job involves music now so it’s not really a hobby anymore

A: It could be, it’s not like you make music for your class, do you?

C: Not recently

A; Do you sing, play instruments? What?

C: I have a decent voice but I play the piano, the guitar, and can do alright by the saxophone

A: What type of music do you prefer to play?

C: Nothing like an old school soul song. I love playing Sade records on the sax

A: I might have to compel you to play for me one day

C: I would offer to play tonight but my instruments are in storage

A: No rush. It’s just a thought

C: I’d love to play for you though

A: You making me feel inadequate

C: In what way?

A: The gifts. The music offers. Doesn’t feel like we’re on even footing

C: Well only you know what you have to offer. Find what works. I’m always open for gifts or moments

A: I’m gonna have to think of something. Thank you for the poetry books by the way. It’s a good start of a collection

C: The classics are always your best bet

A: I’m a little surprised you remembered

C: Why? 

A: It was such an odd conversation and it was late when we had it, surely you wouldn’t have remembered it

C: That’s a weird assumption. If there is one thing I’ve learned from being married, it’s learning to listen just as much as you like to talk. Reciprocity is the key.

A: Very true.

C: Are you at the gala yet?

A: Just pulled up

C: Well I hope you have a good night for however long you are there

A: I hope they do the award ceremony first so I can get my award and leave

C: If I gotta try and find a life, you need to live yours. You never know you may enjoy the time

A: We’ll see. Talk to you later

C: Later 

[etherealwaifgoddess]

An Unexpected Memory

Main Characters: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Summary: The reader helps Bucky remember a piece of his past while hosting Christmas dinner for the avengers.

Warnings/ Content: angst if you squint, mostly feels.

Word Count: 1305

Author’s Note: So this written for the amazing @interestedbystanderwrites ‘s 12 Days of Christmas Drabbles. I am a terrible drabbler so this ended up WAY more than 500 words but hey, ya girl tried. My prompt was for today, December 16th: You are in charge of planning Christmas dinner. Create a menu for your perfect Christmas meal. This immediately made me think of family meals spent together on the holiday and how Bucky probably not even know where to start with that LOL. I hope ya’ll have as much fun this little fic as I had writing! XOXO - Ash

An Unexpected Memory

“We can host this year, Pepper. Don’t worry about it.” You repeat for the third time in five minutes. 

Bucky rolls his eyes from his spot on the sofa, watching you pace around the living room as you talk on the phone. It’s an oddly charming 21st century habit and it both amuses and irritates the former assassin who is just trying to get through the latest episode of “How’s It’s Made” undisturbed. 

Bucky’s ears perk up when he realizes the tide has turned and you are winning whatever you’re trying to convince Pepper Potts-Stark to do. 

“I know… Okay…. Really it’s….. Oh, great! We’ll see you in two weeks.” you say and then set your phone on the side table. 

You hop around doing a little victory dance before flopping down on the sofa. “We’re hosting Christmas Dinner for the Avengers this year.” you tell him with a grin.

Bucky’s eyes widen for a moment before he stifles down the anxiety that flares up over having an apartment full of people. “Did we want to?” he asks trying for casual but still sounding hesitant.

You give him a half shrug, “Someone has to. The roofers won’t be done at Pepper’s until after New Years at this rate. She can’t host dinner for the team when she’s missing a hunk out of her ceiling.” 

Bucky laughs, “I still can’t believe Morgan got her hands on an old repulsor. Let alone figured out how to get it to work. She’s Tony’s kid through and through.” 

“Poor Pep. She’s really got her hands full. You don’t mind that I volunteered us to host, do you?”

“Nah, it’ll be nice to have everyone over again. It’s been over a year since the housewarming party.” 

“Mhmm. I haven’t see Wanda in ages either. It’ll be good.”  

Bucky plants a kiss on your head and goes back to his show so you snuggle in against the human space heater that is your boyfriend and bring up menu suggestions on Pinterest. 

xxXxx

“So what do you think?” you ask after rattling off an extensive list of foods for Christmas dinner. 

Bucky looks up, slightly bewildered, cheeks chipmunking out from the sandwich he’s currently inhaling. Ever polite, he swallows his mouthful and wipes his lips with his napkin before speaking. “It’s all fine, baby girl. Whatever you wanna do.” 

You shake your head, wanting him to be more involved. “Come on, give me something here.” you insist, “What did your ma make for Christmas when you were a kid?”

Bucky pauses and puts down his sandwich. You can all but hear his mind churning as he tries to locate those specific memories through the smoke and fog. HYDRA had done their best to wipe out his long term memories but after years of therapy and a little (okay a lot) of help from Shuri and her team, he had a good amount back. He still got flashes of memories now and then when something triggered them and what came up typically stuck. 

“I… I don’t know. I’m sorry.” he sounds defeated and you reach out to take his hand, covering it lightly with yours.

“Don’t apologize. I can try and find a typical 1930s or 40s menu online and see if any of it jogs your memory. Or, we can just make more modern stuff and make our own memories. It’s all up to you.” 

“I could try looking a list if you can find one.” 

You whip out your phone quickly and start typing away at a Google search. Bucky is picking at the edge bits of his sandwich, destroying it instead of eating it at this point, and you feel guilty to have soured his lunch. After a few clicks you find a menu on a homemaking blog that focuses on depression era clothes, recipes, and lifestyle tips. “I found a list.” you tell him and he nods, waiting for you to start, “Okay, how about sweet potato casserole?” you show him the picture and he shakes his head, “Olives?” he shakes his head again, “Buttered squash?” he wrinkles his nose and shakes his head yet again, “Plum pudding?” this picture he lingers staring at. Bucky tilts his head a little to the right and he stares at the image, the crinkley lines at the sides of his eyes deepening as he squints a little. “This is familiar?” you ask hopefully. It’s disgusting looking but you will make a thousand of them if it will help him remember more about his past.

Bucky nods slowly, “I think so. It feels familiar but I can’t quite remember it.” 

“It’s worth a try. And if it doesn’t jog your memory at least we’ll have another dessert for the table.” 

Bucky makes a humming sound of agreement and goes back to his sandwich with a thoughtful expression still on his face. 

xxXxx

It was after ten o’clock on Christmas Eve and you are still in the kitchen preparing things for the next day. Bucky has floated through the kitchen a few times since getting home; just to pull you close and give you a kiss, making sure you don’t need any help. He’s sweet but you don’t trust him to boil water, let alone prep a holiday dinner.  You pull the plum pudding out of the oven and set it down on a trivet to cool on the counter top. The apartment quickly fills with the scent of dark, sweet cinnamon and Bucky’s head pops out of the office almost immediately. “What’s that smell?” he asks taking a long sniff.

You try not to get overly hopeful, “The plum pudding just came out of the oven.” 

Bucky comes out and stares at the slightly odd looking dessert. It would be funny if it wasn’t for how serious his expression is. He pokes at it gently and takes a larger breath right in the steam that’s floating up from it like ghosts of Christmas past. You pull a fork out of the silverware drawer and hand it to him silently. You have to drizzle icing over it anyway so if he takes a bite now no one will be the wiser. Bucky takes a small chunk out from the edge, blowing on it before popping it into his mouth. He chews once and his eyes close, his forehead smoothing out and his breathing hitching for a moment. His eyes stay closed as he finishes the bite and swallows; his voice low and thick when he finally speaks. “I remember this now. It wasn’t my ma, it was Steve’s. Every year Sarah would scrape together enough change to make this one tiny little cake, and Steve would insist on sharing his half with me. I never had the heart to tell him I hated raisins.”  When he opens his eyes they’re filled with unshed tears and you pull him in close by the waist so you can hug him tightly while he processes the memory that surfaced. 

Bucky clings to you while he takes a moment to steady himself. “Thank you for this.” he says quietly into your hair. 

It’s not the memory he was trying to find but it’s a memory nonetheless. Steve is coming to dinner tomorrow and Bucky can’t wait to see the older man’s face when he tastes the dessert. Every holiday he can’t help but worry about how many more Steve has left. This is something they can share though, another memory from their past; when they were young and life was simpler. 

“So,” you say, breaking him from his reverie, “Should we keep plum pudding on the Christmas menu from now on?” 

Bucky kisses the top of your head before pulling back to look you in the eye. “Absolutely not. I’m not afraid to tell you I hate raisins.” 

~~The End~~

[scaredofthebasement-blog]

When Love Walks In - Chpt 20

Chpt 20 – Alex Calls Out Auston for his Playboy Ways and They Have a Heart to Heart

(Please note that I made a few major edits.)

Words 4971

Alex pulls up the chair to sit next to her brother on his left-hand bedside.  She has to laugh when Auston raises his eyebrows at her, perplexed by why she’s fussing; inching her chair closer and closer to him.  

“What?!  I’m just trying to get as close to you as possible without actually getting in the bed with you.  I don’t want anyone to hear what I’m saying”,  She explains recognizing how silly it appears.

Auston shakes his head, thinking, So much drama.  Frig!  It’s like my life’s become a freakin’ soap opera.

Alex leans into Auston and whispers, “Oz!  Hey!”

He turns toward her all dramatic-like as if he’s in a soap opera and mouths, Whaaa?

“Would you care to explain to me what the heck you’ve been doing?  Frig, I leave you alone for a few hours, and you’re pouring on the charm for BOTH of your doctors?!  Please don’t tell me you’re making moves on them.  Have you fallen for Dr Wright too?”

Auston rolls his eyes dramatically and writes, “NO!!!!!”  

Then what happened when I was gone that made her so…uhm…I don’t know, different?

“I was drawing emojis.”

“Okay?  And...?”

He quickly draws, Mic Drop,  No Clue and Bored Out of My Mind.

Oh!  Alright, then.  Those ARE pretty funny.  I forgot you know how to do those. Ha!  I love that ‘Bored’ one best.  Funny!  Good for you Oz!  They both deserve a good laugh.”

Auston agrees, writing, “Yeah, it was fun watching Dr Wright’s reaction.  Never seen her like that.  She’s usually so serious.  Very kind, great at her job, but she can be pretty intense.  So it was a rush watching her walls come down.”

“Not to mention she’s pretty beautiful.  Am I right?  Huh? Auston?” She pokes.

“I’m not interested in her at all!”  Auston writes in frustration.

“Okay!  Sorry! Take a chill pill.  But don’t try and tell me you’re not interested in Dr Quinn, cause I’m not an idiot.”

Auston blushes and rolls his eyes at her as he writes sarcastically,  “Yeah, you got me, Detective.  You should work for the NYPD, Alex.”

“Thanks.  I’ll look into that.  Law and Order, Special Doofus Unit”,  She jokes.

Auston has to laugh at that one.  He writes with a smirk, “Clever, I’ll give you that.”

Alex laughs, proud of herself for impressing her brother. 

“Did Dr Quinn like your emojis too, Auston?”  She teases.

Auston rolls his eyes.  “As a matter of fact, Dr Q has seen me draw them before. She thought they were pretty funny. I now use them to tease her.  She pretends to not be amused, which as far as I’m concerned adds to my amusement.  They were both fun to watch cause it took them by surprise.”

“Yeah, I don’t imagine many patients can draw like that or would draw emojis for their doctors”, Alex laughs at the idea.

Auston adds, “I wish you were here to see it.  BTW why were you so late coming this morning?  You missed a lot of information, and now Dr Q’s going to have to repeat it all.  But I suppose that’ll make her stay longer today, so I guess a ‘thanks’ is in order.”

“Well, as a matter of fact, Auston, I was finishing up that lovely job you gave me”, Alex says with disdain.

“Oh...”, Auston writes, pursing his mouth, regretting he even asked.  He’s cautious as he detects annoyance in her voice.  He thinks, Oh, Oh. This ain't gonna be good.

“Yes!  I finally got through all your freakin’ social media, and you actually owe me TWO HUGE-ASS MANSIONS, definitely some KICK-ASS THERAPY and a month at a FULL-SERVICE SPA.  Shit, Auston!  You’re a dirty boy!”  She speaks quietly but with a harsh tone.

“Yeah, I know”, he writes sheepishly.  “I’m really sorry, Alex.  I’ve been thinking a lot about what you might see on my phone, and I’m actually very embarrassed.  I don’t like thinking about that ‘old me’, cause I’m not that person anymore.”

“Since when?  And why?”  Alex asks.

“Since being in here.  I’ve had time to reflect and can see that I got caught up in an exciting playboy lifestyle that worked for my need to be selfish in order to pursue my career goals.  But I don’t want that life anymore and I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

“Oh?”  Alex questions.

“I want to be in a committed and mature relationship with Dr Quinn, even if I have to sacrifice some time spent on my career goals.  I want Quinn.  I want a relationship of substance with Quinn.  I want a ‘normalish’ life with Quinn.”

Alex unloads, “Well, I’m very glad that you have resolved to change your ways, Auston, cause I had a whole lecture that I was gonna throw at you just now.  I’ll spare you most of it but need you to know this:  I love you dearly, but I won’t permit you to subject Dr Quinn to any of that cheap-ass shit you were engaged in with other women prior to your accident.  If you even consider pursuing it with her, I’ll talk to Mom and Dad, and I’ll warn Dr Quinn. She deserves THE VERY BEST man in her life and from what my eyes witnessed, sorting through your texts and such, YOU have been VERY far from ‘BEST’; more-like, ‘Best Asshole’.  I know why you initially went the route of being a ‘player’, ‘wheeler’, ‘hooking up,’ whatever you want to call it. I get it.  It made sense back then.  But that’s a life of absolute zero substance and completely shallow.  Dr Quinn deserves substance and frankly at this point in your life, so do you.”

“I know!  Trust me! I know that now!”  Auston pleads.

“I really hope you do, Oz.  You’re an amazing guy.  You have so much to offer a woman and a relationship, and it would be a real waste if you keep up those shallow ways just because you live life in the fast lane.  It’s time to move on and be a real man.”

“Alex.  I get it. You’re 1000% right, and you don’t have to talk to Mom, Dad or Quinn because I can assure you, I am not the same person I was before my accident.”

“Go ahead, Auston.  I’m listening…or reading, I should say.”

“Honestly, I don’t know if it’s because I almost died or because I finally took a beat to reflect but I’ve realized I’ve become a man in the last few years.  Or maybe Quinn has made me want to be a better man to be with her?  It could be a combination of all three.  But I can assure you, every cell in my body wants to be the very best man that I can for her.  To me, she is the most amazing person I’ve ever met.  She thrills me.  I can’t get enough of her.  She means everything to me.  I want to bring the same amount of joy to her as she brings to me”, He rationalizes.

“Okay.  Good. And, Wow Oz!  I really want to believe you will change, but it’s hard to break bad habits.”

Auston is determined to convince Alex he’s changed. “Let me put it this way, if I find out that someone with the ‘old me agenda’ is, or has moved on Quinn, (and I honestly can’t even let myself consider that possibility because it’s too upsetting), after I’m done taking care of that asshat, he will be in desperate need of another doctor.  Do you get my drift?  I know how I was, and I will never be that way again.  I won’t tolerate anyone treating Quinn like a consumable, let alone me.”

“Okay, Oz, but please don’t go doing anything stupid to anyone.  I’m very glad that you see the light”, Alex warns.

“Alex, I’ve never felt like this about anyone before Quinn. I’m absolutely bat-shit crazy about her. It’s like she’s heroin and I’m addicted. I’m a puddle when she’s around and a wreck when she’s not.  I’m embarrassed to tell you that with the very best of intentions, I have done some desperate shit to get her to spend time with me.”

“No!  Auston! What desperate shit did you do?” Alex panics.

“Well, for one thing, I almost died; but first I made her cry”,  Auston confesses.

“What?!  The hell?! Oz!  What are you talking about you almost died?  Again?!  And you made Dr Quinn cry?!  Are you crazy?!”

“Yes, Alex, I am crazy!  Apparently, certifiable!  I’m sorry to say; I did both.  I was completely distraught after not seeing Quinn all last week.  Then yesterday, she made it seem like she was going to be too busy to see me much this week, and it’s my last week here!  Plus she started dating a fucking doctor-god last week!  I call him Dr McDreamy cause from what I can gather from my research; he’s all that and then some.”  

“Oh, no!  Really?”

“Frig! It pisses me off royally!  Quinn hasn’t dated since dinosaurs last roamed the earth, but she decides to take up with a fucking doctor when I arrive on the scene”, Auston laments.

“Oh, boy!  That’s not good”, Alex reasons.

“Yeah, and BTW, Alex, you’re comments are not helping.”  Auston points out, rolling his eyes.

“Sorry!  But neither are yours!  ‘Almost died’ and ‘made my doctor cry’.  Shit!  What a freaking mess, Auston!  What did you do?  Specifically!”  Alex snaps back.

“I made her upset by making her think I doubted her promise to be there for me for the rest of my recovery.  I also accused her of abandoning me last week”,  Auston confesses.

“Auston!  No!” Alex freaks.

“Yes!”  He takes in a deep breath and sighs.  “Oh God, Alex! I know!  I’m such a mess!  But I needed to remind her of her purpose for being a doctor in the first place - to be there for her patients.  You know?  For people like Josh.  So she’d be there for me.”

“Oh Auston, that’s some off-base shit right there. She IS there for her patients!  She’s been incredibly dedicated to you! To Mom, Dad, Bre and Me.  24 freaking 7, Auston!  Last week, she didn’t even know you were struggling cause Dr Wright didn’t tell her.  She had a medical conference to attend, and she had meetings.  She checked up on you every day with Dr Wright.  And tell me you did NOT bring up Josh’s name.  Did you?!”

“No!  I could never be that cruel!  I know she’s been there for me.  I just wanted her to come around this week so we could develop a relationship.  Otherwise, she was going to be spread too thin.  I needed to make sure I got a chance to find my way into her heart”,  Auston explains as his heart pounds and his blood pressure rises.

“I know, but still, that was selfish and entitled behaviour, Auston”, Alex lashes out.

“I know it seems that way.  I just didn’t feel like I had any other option since I go home next week.  I saw a chance, and I took it.  It devasted me to hurt her like that, and I ended up getting so upset that I choked on my congestion.  I couldn’t breathe, so she had to suction me.  It was scary as hell, Alex”, Auston tries to make her understand.

“Auston!  Oh, my God! I don’t even know what to say right now”, Alex blurts out in frustration.

As Alex sorts through all the information Auston has spilt on her,  Auston sits, staring down at his hands, feeling anguish; conflicted and berating himself for being selfish.

After what seems like forever of nothing, Alex blurts out, “Not cool, Oz!  So not cool! Frig!  What if Mom and Dad find out?”

Auston nods in agreement and immediately falls apart. He is distraught.  Tears start to flow down his face.

He starts coughing.

Oh shit, here I go again!

Alex sees what’s happening and tries to do damage control.  She jumps up from her chair and pulls Auston into her arms.  Alex whispers in his ear as she rubs his back to comfort him.  She knows she was too hard on him in his vulnerable condition.  She’s upset with herself.  

Alex desperately attempts to calm him, “Hey, Hey, Hey!  Oz! Shhhh.   It’s okay. I’m sorry for being so harsh.  You’ve been through so much.  My words were severe.  No one knows what it’s like to walk in your shoes.  But I can understand.  When I think about it, I absolutely understand.  No need to cry, Oz.  I completely understand why you did what you did.  You were desperate.  I get it. Anyone in your situation would feel the need to do what you did.  It’s all good now.  Dr Quinn’s good.  You saw her earlier this morning.  She seemed really good.  Please calm yourself down, so you don’t choke.  Please, Oz.  Get yourself together, okay?  I support you.  I want what you want.  I want her for you too.  It was worth it, Oz.  I can see that.  What other choice did you have? Please suck it up, Oz.  Swallow. Take relaxing breaths.  Okay?”  She pulls away to let him catch his breath and reaches for tissues to try to dry his face. He grabs hold of her arm so she won’t leave him.

Auston continues to cough.  He swallows.  He keeps coughing.  He keeps swallowing.  He squirms as he tries to gain control and feels like if given a bit more time, he will be okay.  But when he starts to choke and wheeze, Alex sounds the alarm.

“Jacqui!  Nurse! Doctor!  Auston’s choking!  Help!  Hurry!”  She yells.

Auston is disappointed.  He really thought he could get it under control without the need for the Suction.  He wants to be able to master his secretions.

Jacqui is at Auston’s side in seconds.  She assesses the situation and grabs the Suction as Alex tries to move out of the way as best she can with Auston’s death grip on her arm.

Auston extends his free hand out in front of him to signal for Jacqui to stop and shakes his head ‘no’.  He wants more time.  ‘No suction yet’ is his clear message.

Jacqui stands down, watching as Auston continues to cough and wheeze. They both encourage him to relax, focus on drawing in breath and coughing.  

It takes about 30 seconds until Auston has caught his breath; for all three of them, it feels like an eternity.

Jacqui tells him she’ll stay in the room until he feels confident that he’s got things under control.

“What brought that on?”  She asks Alex.

“He was upset about something we were talking about”, Alex explains.

“Oh, I see.  Well, maybe you could change the subject to something a little cheerier. But at the same time, getting upset is bound to happen, and this is a great opportunity to learn how to manage the secretions – which you did!  You actually did great Auston!  Really impressive; you managed to stay calm, and you fought through it.  You’re showing great progress, and that’s what this week is about”,  Jacqui points out.

Auston nods with a smile.  He is happy with what he just did there.

“You okay now, Auston?”  Jacqui asks.

Auston nods and gives a smile and thumbs up.

“Then can I have my arm back bro?”  Alex begs with a relieved giggle.

Auston lets go of Alex’s arm and holds out his hand for some tissues to wipe his face.

So since you feel comfortable now, I can step out and leave you two alone for a few more minutes as it’s almost time for Dr Quinn to come and oversee the 11 am procedures.  Great job, Auston!  You too Alex!”

Auston gives Jacqui the thumbs up, and mouths ‘thank you.’

“Yes, thank you so much, Jacqui!”  Alex calls out.

Auston grabs the board and marker that Alex picks up off the floor for him.  He writes, “Thanks, Alex.  Sorry you had to see that.  It’s scary when it happens, but I felt confident that I had it under control.”

“Ha!  Yeah, Bam Bam,  you’re vulture grip on my arm made me feel really confident too”, She teases. “Seriously though, it’s upsetting but you did a great job and I’m sorry I distressed you.”

Auston writes, “It’s ok.  I know Dr Quinn will be here shortly so I want to tell you privately, that it may sound bad, but I’m glad I did what I did because I got Quinn to commit to coming to see me every day this week for Talk Therapy.”

“I thought she already was doing Therapy with you? You told Mom and Dad that she was.”

“Yeah, I know.  I lied about that.  Please don’t tell Mom and Dad!  I just needed them to leave me alone with Dr Quinn, but they wouldn’t let go of the therapy issue.  I told you, Alex, she’s like an addiction!  I would do anything to be alone with her.  I needed a chance for her to get to know me.”

“I understand why you can’t tell Dr Quinn how you feel right now.  She’d have to stop being your doctor.  She would never abuse or risk her position by allowing an obvious attraction. You can’t go losing her as your doctor. You need to be careful.”

“Exactly!  I want Dr Quinn to work with me cause she’s the only one who could possibly resurrect my voice.  The good thing is she wants to work with me cause I represent her ‘dead boyfriend’ and winning the ‘Stanley Cup’.”

“Auston!  Hold the phone!  Surprisingly, I get the reference to ‘her dead boyfriend,’ being Josh, but you’ve lost me at ‘winning the Stanley Cup’?!  What the hell are you talking about?!”  

“She told me that for her, saving my life was like making the Cup Finals and that restoring my voice would be like winning the Stanley Cup.”

Alex points out, “Well, if anyone could relate to an analogy like that it would be you.”

“I know, right?!  And how can I deny her the chance to win a ‘Stanley Cup’?”  He jokes.

“Ha!  Yeah, you’re so selfless, Auston”,  Alex mocks.

“Yeah, I know.  So now we’re playing games.  I’m playing ‘Avoid the Danger Zone’, and she’s playing, ‘Ignore the Elephant in the Room.’

“Neither sound very fun, Oz.” Alex adds, dryly.

“Honestly Alex, worst games ever!  I’m pretty sure I’m losing my game, where I try to hide how I feel about her, so she doesn’t have to stop being my doctor.  But I’m making out okay so far because she’s acing her game; where she absolutely refuses to acknowledge to herself that I’m interested in her.”

“Do you really think she knows how you feel about her?” Alex asks.

“Yeah.  I think she must have picked up on some clues; subconsciously anyway. She’s brilliant so I don’t know how she could miss them.  But she’s also either really good at making it look like she doesn’t know or in fact doesn’t know. I’m at a loss, really.”

“Do you think she likes you?”  Alex asks.

“Well, yesterday, she accidentally told me that she liked me”,  Auston reveals with a blush.

“What?!”  Alex gasps, excitedly.

“Yeah.  Dr Quinn let it slip in a conversation saying, ‘so that’s why I like you so much’”, Auston can’t help but smile.

“No way!”  Alex freaks.

“Hey!  Don’t act so surprised!”  Auston jokes.

“Ha!  Sorry! I’m just really happy for you.  What did YOU say?”  Alex asks.

“I teased her in a light, friend-like way, cause I don’t want to force her hand.  But it could be that’s how she meant it.  I’m not quite sure if she’s interested in me as more than a friend or just someone that thinks, ‘I’m a wonderful person’”,  Auston explains.

“She said ‘you’re a wonderful person?!’”  Alex jumps.

“Yeah.  But I swear if you’d been there, you wouldn’t know how to take it.  She brushed it off as something anyone would think if they knew me.  Honestly, Alex, it all seems like a mind game that I’m sure she doesn’t even know she’s playing. She just won’t go there; won’t let herself acknowledge it.”

“Cause then she’d have to do something about it. Right?  She’s smart”,  Alex reasons.

“Yup.  That she is for sure and very stubborn about pursuing her goals.”

“Sounds like someone else I know”,  Alex points out.

“Huh?  I’m not stubborn like Quinn”,  Auston denies.

“Oh, you think?  You’re kidding, right?”  Alex calls him out.

Auston considers the idea and then concedes, “Yeah.  You’re probably right.  Ha! I suppose we are similar in that.  We’re like dogs with a bone.”

“Probably one of the reasons why you like her so much”, Alex guesses.

“Love”, Auston corrects her.

“Oh, sorry.  “Love” her so much”,  Alex exaggerates, rolling her eyes but secretly thrilled.

“Got to call it what it is, Sis.  I’ve never been in love before so when you’re in it, it’s a big deal”,  Auston informs her.

“But she’s dating, huh?  That’s a big problem, Oz”,  Alex points out.

“Yeah.  I’m assuming this Doctor McDreamy’s my direct competition.  So that’s what forced me to challenge her; so I could set up another game that I’m calling, ‘Day by Freaking Day’.  

“Wow!  Oz!  Worst game title ever!”  Alex blurts out.

“Ha! Yeah, I know, right!”  Auston admits.

“So how do you play?”

“Well, as the name implies, I spend time with Dr Quinn during the day, let her get to know me and hopefully endear myself to her. Then she goes out with Doc McStuffins at night, and she realizes she likes me better.  That’s the only chance I have.  So every moment I have with her this week is precious.”

“Ha!  Oz?”  Alex questions.

Auston looks at her curious, Huh?

Doc McStuffins is a girl”,  Alex giggles.

Auston laughs to himself, writing, “Oh.  Ha!  Well, let’s hope Dr Peters is a girl.  That would help my cause.”

“Or complicate it?”  Alex jokes.

“Yeah!  Ha!  I suppose so.”  He chuckles.

Oh!  Before Quinn comes back, I want to ask you for another favour.  I want to get her a special gift to thank her for everything she’s done for me.”

“Awww.  Sweet!”

“I’ll get something for the others as well, but I want to get something extra special for Quinn, and it will need sourcing.”

“Okay?”

“You’ll need to go see the Jeweller that we use in Yorkville.  Get him to source out the items cause there is no way he’ll have them.  No restriction on price but don’t tell him that. Get him to text me what he finds and the cost.”  

“Sure.  What are you thinking?”  Alex asks.

“If you look in my bedside table you’ll find a piece of paper where I’ve listed specifically what I want.  The sooner you can get them, the better, but I understand if it might take a bit.”

“Okay”, curious, Alex heads over to the other side of Auston’s bed to get the paper.  She pulls out the note and reads it.  A smile washes across her face. “Wow, Auston!  Looks like you put a lot of thought into this.  You’re a real sweetheart.  She’s gonna love them.”

“Good!  I want the gift to touch her heart.”  Auston smiles, pleased with himself and excited for the day that he can give them to her.

“Thanks a lot for looking after this and me. You’re a saint!”  Auston gushes.

Alex acknowledges Auston’s gratitude with a smile. She puts the slip of paper in her purse and pulls out Auston’s cell phone and places it on his bedside table.

“I almost forgot!  Here’s your cell phone, Oz.  I did up a blurb for your social media accounts. I texted it to you.  You’ll need to review it, make any changes you want and send it to Judd for approval.”

“Oh, wow!  Thanks, Alex! Great!  I really appreciate everything you have done for me.  I think I’ll keep you around.”  

“Well, after your social media crap, I think I’m retiring as your sister”,  Alex teases.

“Ha!  Sorry. But I need my big sister.  You’re stuck with your dumbass little brother forever.”

“Yeah, don’t I know it.  All joking aside though,  I also got distracted and forgot to tell you, there are a couple girls texting you that seem to think you were about to make things serious before your accident.”

“What?  No!  Who?  Names?”  Auston writes, clearly upset.

“A ‘Bridget’ and a ‘Chantelle’.  Were you going to ask them to be exclusive?”

“Hell No!  I specifically made it my practice that prior to each hookup, they understood and agreed there would be no strings.  I learned that lesson the hard way and you know that.”

“Yes.  Well, they both appear to have magically changed their minds and they are very concerned about you since your accident and want to be here for you.”

“Together?!” Auston imagines what that would look like.

“No, not together, Dum Dum!  But they both indicated in their texts that they have come to the hospital trying to get in to see you; each saying she is your girlfriend.  But security stopped them cause they weren’t on the list.”

“Oh shit!  Can’t you just tell them I died?”  He writes, half-joking.

“Auston, you need to text Judd and get his advice on how to say adios to these women.  Can you do that in the next few days?  Or do you want me to call him and I’ll just tell him there has been a misunderstanding and you’re not interested in pursuing any type of relationship?”

“Yeah, can you do the second one you mentioned?  Please.  I don’t have the energy and I trust you can deal with it based on how you helped me a few years back with Rebecca”,  Auston begs.

“Sure.  Hopefully, these ones will go quietly into the night.”

“Thanks, Alex.  Keep me in the loop.  They were fun and beautiful women but I’m not interested.”

“Oz, you’ll also need to wrap up your old life with all your hookups.  You’ll need to tell them all goodbye”,  Alex advises.

“Please get Judd to do that on my behalf.  Tell him I can’t even talk for god-sakes.”

“Okay.  I will.  And...Oh, you also need to figure out who is going to stay with you while you’re home recovering, so message Mom and Dad tonight.”

“Will you stay with me?  Can you?”  Auston pleads.

“Really, you want ME?  After today?”  Alex questions.

“Yes, especially after today.  We’ve been through a lot.  You know me better than anyone.  You’re my confidente, biggest fan and best friend.  I trust you, and I enjoy your company.  If you would like to stay with me, I’d love to have you.” Auston tells her.

“Well, thanks, Oz!  I’ll seriously consider it.  I enjoy living in Toronto.  I also have been waiting for the right time to tell you that I have been seeing a guy from Toronto.  I met him here at the hospital in the waiting room.   His father was in the Intensive Care Ward when you were there.”

“No way!  So something else great came out of my accident?  What’s your boyfriend’s name?  How old is he?  What’s he do? Do you really like him?” Auston gives Alex the third degree.

“Whoa, Oz!  Yes, I really like him a lot.  I actually feel like I’m falling in love with him”, Alex says as a smile lights up her face.

“No way?!”  Auston writes.

“Way!  His name is Adam Lang.  He’s a Toronto Firefighter.  He’s actually studying to be a Captain.  He’s 33 years old.  Never been married. Has a golden retriever.  Lives in the ‘Beaches’.  He treats me like gold.  He’s smart as hell and a jock.  He makes me laugh, and we never run out of stuff to talk about or do.  I know you’ll hit it off”,  She tells him excitedly.

Auston smiles and motions for Alex to come in for a hug. He squeezes her tight and kisses her on the cheek.  Auston is so happy for her.  He knows she’s seen her share of heartbreaks over the years with two serious relationships that didn’t last.  He always worried about her happiness and hoped she’d find a good guy.

They pull apart, and Auston writes, “I want to meet him!  Bring him by.”

“Really?  Even though you can’t talk yet?”  Alex asks.

“I don’t care.  I have to meet him.  I have to make sure he’s not ‘a player’.”  He writes, teasing and adds a winky face emoji.

Alex rolls her eyes and laughs.  “Oh, he’s not ‘a player’ at all, Oz.  He’s a fan. But not the Leafs.  He’s a Bruins fan!”

Auston’s mouth drops open in shock as he raises his head to the ceiling mouthing a silent scream of “No!!!!!!!!!!!!” (See Gif at top of the page for the type of reaction).  Then he grabs his marker dramatically as he writes and emphasizes each exclamation point with a flourish. “No!!!!!!!!!!” 

Alex laughs.

After a minute stare down, where Auston tries to determine whether Alex is messing with him, Auston writes, begging, “Alex! Please tell me you’re joking! It’s not nice to be mean to someone in the hospital.”

“Just a little payback for how you treated Quinn. You’ll have to wait and ask Adam when you meet him.”

Auston writes, “Well played, Alex!  Well played!  I deserve this.”

They both laugh and high five each other just as Dr Quinn enters the room.

[kumkaniudaku]

Rough Patch: Three

ONE. COUPLES THERAPY. 

Warnings: Smut (18+ Content)

Word Count: 3,416

Friday morning came on the heels of another night of separation.

Thursday ended with exponentially more conversation as Chadwick and Tasha maneuvered around the kitchen at the same time making small talk, but when the stars began to twinkle in the night sky and the desire for sleep took over, husband and wife went to separate bedrooms after exchanging timid good nights.

A two-room divide did little to sever the emotional ties to each other as they spent hours tossing and turning with thoughts of the next morning. Chadwick wondered if what he had planned would be enough to recapture his wife’s attention, and Tasha replayed her mental reminder to trust her husband and allow him to lead.

By the next morning, Tasha was up and moving long before she had planned to keep her mind busy until Chadwick was ready to start the day. Her thoughts completely consumed her as she loaded the dryer with bedsheets and she missed the heavy feet beating against the floor in her direction.

“Hey, I-”

His abrupt greeting startled Tasha into an involuntary yelp as she clutched her chest to stabilize her breathing. Chadwick chuckled and leaned against the door frame to wait for her to calm down.

“Yeah, just laugh it up. You almost killed me before the sun could even get all the way in the sky.”

“Sorry, Co. I came up to tell you that breakfast is ready and that you look really pretty this morning.”

“Really,” she questioned before quickly checking herself. It didn’t matter if she was clad in a loose fitting, spaghetti strapped nightgown. If he thought she looked pretty, there was no reason to challenge him. “Wait don’t count that one. I meant to say thank you.”

“I’ll let you slide this time. Now c’mon. Your omelet is getting cold.”

Tasha’s eyebrows lifted at the mention of her second favorite breakfast dish, yet she pushed the questions she had to the back of her mind to follow Chadwick downstairs.

“I know I don’t cook as well as you, but I tried to make your favorites. There’s French toast, that spinach omelet you like, sausage patties, and strawberries that I had to fight an old lady to get the other day.” As he explained the spread laid out on the kitchen island, she stood behind him in silence.

“You hate it, don’t you? Too many carbs? I didn’t even think about that.”

“What? No! It’s perfect. Thank you...again.”

“You don’t have to keep saying thank you, Co,” he reassured in the midst of pulling flatware and plates from their holding spaces.

“I know, but I want to because I mean it. You could’ve said no to all of this and left, but you’re still here.”

Rounding the counter, Chadwick shrugged as he sat the plates on the table, “For the record, I never had any intentions to leave. We gon’ figure this out.”

Chadwick’s admission made Tasha smile behind her coffee mug. She couldn’t tell if she was grateful that her husband had no intentions of abandoning their union or proud that they had spent 10 minutes conversing without jumping down each other’s throat.

The conversation soon tapered into the soft scrape of utensils against the breakfast plates. Both of them strategically stole glances at each other in the silence, picking a new feature to mentally praise.

“So, I was thinking,” Chadwick started between bites of his final piece of french toast. “I want to date you if that’s okay.”

“Date me? We’re married, Aaron.”

“I know, I know, but we never got the chance to really date. I want to get to know you again if that’s okay. I think it’ll help us remember what we’re supposed to be doing.”

From the pleading look in his deep brown eyes, it was clear that the notion of dating despite being married was important to Chadwick.

“Okay. Let’s date.” Tasha watched Chadwick’s smile spread across his entire face for the first time in a long time as he danced in his chair. “When is our first date? What should I wear?”

“I’d say you look beautiful already. This my favorite night thing of yours.”

“Woah! Hold up. Are you saying this was our first date?”

“That’s exactly what I’m saying. We have to make up for lost time today, so I have a couple more planned before the day is over. How does dinner and dessert after we finish watching Luther and giving each other pedicures sound?”

“We’re gonna give each other pedicures? As in I have to touch your feet?”

“Hell yeah! You thought you were the only one that likes nice toes?”

Silence engulfed the room before the couple shared loud laughter that no longer felt foreign. This is the relationship they remembered and were determined to get back to.

“Alright, then. Dinner and feet. I like it. Anything else?”

“That’s it for now,” He smiled over his shoulder on the way to the kitchen sink. “Go hang out in the living room and I’ll join you after I clean the kitchen.”

Under Chadwick’s direction, CoCo found herself nervously fidgeting with whatever she could get her hands on while she waited for him to join her on the couch. She wasn’t sure why she was so nervous but felt her apprehension melt away once their second date of the day began.

Every moment after he took his spot on the other end of the couch and draped the blanket over their bodies felt magical. Their commitment to getting to know each other in a way that they had never explored resulted in revelations neither of them could imagine.

Chadwick learned that during Tasha’s stay in Atlanta she taught herself how to bake and found that she really enjoyed the activity despite gaining weight from “taste testing.” CoCo was shocked to learn the origin story behind Chadwick’s decision to switch to a plant-based lifestyle, citing a Facebook video his cousin tagged him in as the catalyst for his new diet. As each activity passed, the brick wall that they had built in four months came undone brick by brick.

A trip to the grocery store to purchase the necessary for what Chadwick considered a plant-based soul food dinner presented the couple with an old friend they hadn’t expected and old feelings that needed to be confronted.

“It’s so crazy that we saw your ex,” CoCo laughed before glancing at Chadwick as he settled onto the floor on the other side of the coffee table to begin his meal. “Especially considering, you know...what we’re going through.”

“I mean, I guess it’s kind of crazy. I wasn’t paying much attention to her to be honest.”

Tasha shrugged before turning her attention to her cell food, “I hear you. She looked nice. Really pretty actually.”

“She did, but I’m on focused on one person right now.” Chadwick watched Tasha look up at him for confirmation, prompting him to drop his utensils and grab her hands.

“I need you to know that I have not and will not stop loving you. Have I been pissed at you? Yes,” he laughed. “But you will always have my love. We’re going to figure this out, and in ten years when we’re listening to our kids play in the next room, we’ll remember this moment and know that we can overcome whatever shit gets thrown our way.”

The tears building in the corners of her eyes betrayed Tasha and trickled down her cheeks to be wiped away with the pad of Chadwick’s thumb.

“Dammit! I didn’t mean to cry tonight. Who cries on the fifth date?”

“I guess it depends on the context. I’ve had women cry by the fifth date. Usually sooner.”

Chadwick’s cheeky grin contrasted CoCo’s shocked expression and light gasp. “Aaron! I hope you don’t expect me to let you at it so quickly.”

“Expect? No. Am I hoping for at least a hug tonight? Definitely.”

“A hug, huh,” she questioned before stuffing a forkful of steamed kale into her mouth. “I think I can do a hug. We’ll see.”

“I can live with that.”

What Tasha didn’t know was the mere promise of physical contact had Chadwick’s heart racing at unsafe levels. Of the two of them, he was the one that craved physical intimacy. He’d long lost count of the nights he spent trying to relieve himself of the pent up energy to no avail. He needed skin to skin contact but was willing to wait until the time was right for both of them.

Dinner progressed faster than they desired, leading to a joint effort to clean the kitchen while they laughed and joked about moments from their time in school. But, even that activity came to an end before they were ready, and soon, the trek upstairs to their bedrooms commenced.

Chadwick walked Tasha to her door like a teenage boy would do after the prom, contemplating if he should make the move for the hug or let his wife dictate the pace.

“Well, I guess this is it,” he sighed as he turned to face her. “I had a lot of fun with you today. Maybe I could get your number or…”

“Or I could just see you downstairs for breakfast in the morning. My treat?”

“Wow, a sixth date! I’d say we were going steady.”

“Going steady,” she questioned with a smile. “I think it’s called going together these days.”

“I’ll take either one as long as we’re exclusive.”

“I like the sound of being exclusive.” Lost in their own world, they stood staring and smiling at each other as all trace of reality disappeared. This was the feeling they were missing. This is the version of themselves that they knew still existed beneath the turmoil. Sudden realization ended the moment and produced a harsh curse as CoCo pressed her palm against her forehead. “Shit! I forgot to make the bed earlier.”

“I can help you,” Chadwick blurted before he could catch himself. “I mean, you know, the bed is pretty big. It’s gonna be hard to...I’m talking too much. Sorry.”

“You’re saying just enough. I’ll have you in and out pretty quick. That sounded terrible.”

“It didn’t sound nearly as bad as you think. Trust me.”

CoCo missed the innuendo as she shuffled into the bedroom absorbed in her own thoughts. Chadwick trailed behind, taking in the space that he hadn’t seen in what felt like forever. He was surprised to find all of his belongings in their original spots, including the pillows he left behind. He noticed the smell of his second favorite cologne lingering in the air and he wondered if his notion that she had sprayed it on the sheets before drying was true.

“I guess this would be a perfect time to let you lead, so...where should we start? Aaron. Chadwick!”

“Huh? I-I’m sorry.”

“Are you okay? If you don’t want to help it’s fine.”

“No,” he exclaimed. “I just- have you been spraying my cologne? It smells just like the one I left in here.”

“What can I say? I like the smell. I like it more when it’s attached to someone, but I make do.”

Chadwick eyed her from his side of the bed with a smile, taking pride in the fact that she still thought about him in his absence.

Tasha hated the way Chadwick made the bed and, in the past, would change it the moment he was no longer around. He knew this information and made it a point to incorporate the methods she liked to make her comfortable with following his lead. In ten short minutes, they were playfully tossing pillows to each other before meeting up at the foot of the bed to admire their work.

“We make a good team, huh,” Tasha smiled as she playfully bumped into Chadwick’s arm to draw a quiet laugh from him. “I guess this is good night.”

“I guess it is.”

“Well…” An awkward bout of silence consumed them as CoCo contemplated her next move. “Can I hug you? You know...as a thank you?”

“Sure. Of course!”

The hug started with a tentative touch. Tasha carefully stepped forward to wrap her arms around Chadwick’s midsection while he slowly pulled her closer and rested his chin on her head.

In any other situation, hugging a person for such an extended amount of time can be strange, but neither of them felt put off by the show of affection. Being in such close proximity felt natural and needed. Muscles relaxed and breathing slowed their racing hearts as they held each other and gently swayed from side to side.

Tension didn’t return until they pulled away to look at each other. This was a new tension; a familiar tension. This was the tension they felt on their wedding night, or after their first encounter in this very room.

Chadwick’s hand rose to trace Tasha’s jaw with a feather-soft touch as he examined her reaction. Her eyes closed at the contact and she seemed to stop breathing until a set of lips came in contact with hers. A short kiss by most standards carried all of the latent passion and desire that they’d carried for four months. Their bodies became pressed together as he flattened his palm against the small of her back to bring them closer.

When they pulled apart hoping that their thirst for the other was quenched, they found that they had only added lighter fluid to the fire.

“I love you.”

Three words said simultaneously by two people destined to be together. Previous feelings came rushing in to charge the special moment with a whirlwind of energy.

Their lips connected again in a more feverish kiss as Chadwick moved their bodies back to the bench at the end of the bed. Tasha allowed her husband to move them at his pace as she settled onto his lap with her knees on either side of his hips. With every sigh of content or soft graze of flesh against flesh, apprehension transformed into desire.

Reaching between their bodies, Tasha attempted to undo Chadwick’s belt only to be stopped.

“What? What did I do?”

“If we’re going to do this, I want it to be the right way, not just because we haven’t touched each other in a while.”

“So you don’t want this,” Tasha asked, disappointment evident in her delivery.

“I think you can feel how much I want this,” he laughed as he gestured below his waist. “But I don’t want to be done and go back to hating each other the next day. Let’s do it the way we should have the first time. I promise I can get us there if you’ll trust me.”

Settling back into his lap, Tasha’s natural inclination to take control had been tested all day and she hadn’t spontaneously combusted. Now was the moment that she could make significant change or recoil into her shell.

“Tell me what to do.”

Chadwick expressed his gratitude with a chaste kiss to her knuckles before anchoring his hands on her waist. “I think we should explore each other. Forget what we think we know and take time to reintroduce ourselves intimately. You mind if I…”

His request trailed off with a gesture toward the hem of her dress.

“Sure. Should I stand?” A simple head nod set off the next chain of events as she moved to stand in front of him.

With laser focus, Chadwick carefully lifted her midi tank top dress over her head in his own quest to stand, leaving her nearly nude body exposed to him. She followed his example by helping him out of his t-shirt and jeans.

Hand and mouths began to wander as they took their time with each other. Tasha traced her name on Chadwick’s shoulder blades over and over while he nipped and sucked at the available skin on her neck and chest. His arms held her close to his body as he led them to his side of the bed and carefully placed her on her back against the cool sheets. Normally he would have engaged in a race against time to disrobe and consume his wife, but he was committed to the process of taking his time.

Every inch of skin that he touched, licked and kissed became hot with building anticipation. He started with her lips and worked his way down, visiting his favorite spots along the way. His pit stop at the birthmark above her navel set Tasha on fire as she began to squirm in his grasp.

“You asked me if I still wanted you,” he spoke against her inner thigh, fanning his warm breath against the rising goosebumps in the area. “I want you in every way possible. I’ve had you mentally and emotionally today. Allow me to have you physically tonight.”

“I’m yours.” CoCo was surprised at how her voice came out in a small whisper but felt so loud in the moment.

She was nervous as if this were her first time with any man, much less her husband. Sensing her apprehension, Chadwick whispered for her relax into the meat of her thigh before hooking his index fingers around the top of her panties and working them down her legs.

Neither of them knew what they expected their first intimate moment post “storm” would be like, but it paled in comparison to the events unfolding in front of them.

Chadwick was attentive with his actions, taking time to build up a steady pace and listen to the way Tasha responded with her mouth and body. Breathless gasps turned into little mewls until her moans were loud enough to be heard in the furthest corner of the house.

He soothed her through a quick orgasm before going back for more, purposefully drawing out her second for his pleasure more than hers. It took CoCo physically cupping his face to pull his mouth to hers to bring him up for air and taste herself wherever her mouth landed.

“Are you comfortable with more? I don’t mind-”

“Please. I am begging at this point. I need you.”

“Yeah?” It felt good to hear that his wife, the woman he loved no matter the circumstances, wanted him the way he wanted her. His cheesy grin was matched by Tasha as she nodded and moved to help him discard his last piece of clothing.

Tasha was eager to make room for her man between her legs as they shifted toward the head of the bed. Their lips never parted as they shared the most passionate kiss in recent memory, keeping CoCo relaxed until Chadwick began to join his body with hers.

“Oh,” she panted as he sank deeper into her love. “...God!”

“Am I hurting you?”

“Not at all. Just...go slow.”

Carefully he worked into a pace and rhythm she could handle, joining her chorus of moans with groans and breathless whispers of praise in her ear. Physically, this was the closest they could get and it still didn’t feel close enough.

As the intensity built into a cacophony of sounds of pleasure, Chadwick intertwined their fingers above his wife’s head.

“Look at me,” he requested through gritted teeth. Tasha’s eyes remained closed until he slowed his thrusts to a near stop and asked again. “I need you to look at me.”

She obliged despite the tears blurring her vision, feeling almost unworthy of his doting gaze. What felt like the most intense moment of her lifetime was dialed up several notches as they sought out their releases together. Utterances of undying love became broken moans and audible shudders until husband and wife came with booming shouts that filled the room to the brim.

Sweat and exhaustion couldn’t keep Chadwick and Tasha away from each other as they rushed to kiss each other while the last sparks of euphoria coursed through their bodies.

Tucking his nose into the crook of her neck, Chadwick fought to catch his breath and speak.

“I think you should sleep in here tonight.”

“Can I sleep in here tonight?”

Chadwick lifted his head to nuzzle his nose against Tasha’s as she rubbed patterns at the nape of his neck.

Neither of them had any desire to leave the cocoon of sheets and love around them, so they didn’t.

Because this time good night carried the promise of a good morning.

                                    ______________

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[transfribourg3-blog]

Where to find Your Perfect Massage Psychologist

sexe fribourg Are you in require of a 'good' therapeutic massage?

Massage has become a single of the most famous treatments over the prior few years plus the will need for a good massage therapy is simply increasing as far more of our own work along with even some of the social activities are desks or computer based.

sexe fribourg

I first trained in massage treatments in the beginning 90's, clients would generally pay a visit to the salon or day spa for waxing, facials or even for slimming treatments. Rub was one of the actual treatments that were considered while being a luxury or possibly a special treat once in the blue moon.

I have to disclose back then lifestyle was distinctive for individuals generally, many clients may have a secretary or tool to type up job. For some, once a person finished do the job that ended up being it as there seemed to be absolutely no emails to verify as not really everyone experienced the internet. Few folks had laptops therefore resting on the sofa or perhaps in bed whilst doing work had been very minimal in addition to finally 'Googling' as well as public networking was near nonexistent.

Coming in today issues possess changed. Many simply no longer have got secretary's thus they have to bargain with managment themselves, almost all work is conducted on the particular computer, some at desking and some in cumbersome roles whilst sitting upon the lounge or resting in bed. Over are generally the days when after you left the office your own work can be over, at this point we can become got into contact with on our mobiles or maybe can check our e-mails at home if certainly not on the way. Each of our working day still remains with we've left typically the office or maybe before we now have reached school.

There usually are a variety of rub structured treatments are offered in clinics, spa's, professional salons and health clubs. We now have even seen massage throughout clubs, shopping centres in addition to massage therapists who appear to the project place.

Using so many places supplying massage, how do an individual know which is where you can go and how could you inform if anyone are likely to receive a good rub down?

1) Online Reviews

To start with, on the web reviews are a excellent way of actually finding out with regards to what people have to say of a particular business. Accomplish understand though, sometimes often the opinions may be a thing negative in regards to the establishment as well as one employee so you actually could potentially miss a terrific massage from another employee who hasn't been evaluated. Additionally there is some sort of saying which moves 'a customer who has got a bad experience will certainly explain to five people however if they have already had fantastic experience they can not possibly tell a soul'. And so sometimes you can't often get a true signal no matter if you will find a 'good' therapeutic massage cure or not from a new assessment.

2) Qualifications

Some sort of good massage therapy therapist may have the following certification: NVQ level 3, HND Health & Beauty, ITEC, CIBTAC or CIDESCO, right now there maybe other recognised systems too but check whether or not they have a qualification and also not just the work shop certificate. Anatomy and physiology can be a big part associated with the training seeing that learning the muscular system, bone system and their characteristics may make the difference with the quality regarding rub.

3) Licence

Firms in many area's specially Birmingham cannot operate without having a appropriate massage license. In most borough's even the therapist should be licenced. The only technique a counselor can obtain licenced is if they also have the relevant qualification. Occasionally you will see the premises licenses viewable on the wall membrane.

4) Health care Questionnaire as well as Consultation

Your own personal massage specialist should require you to fill within a basic medical customer survey to establish any health care conditions which can prevent a person from having massage. Such as any recent injuries or even operations, wounds, infections and so on For certain conditions an individual can have a rub down but could need written choice from your Medical professional in which its OK for you to nonetheless have massage.

If anyone are in the first trimester of pregnant state, its highly recommended not to get therapeutic massage and a professional psychologist will know this need to they visualize it on your current consultation form.

Assessment time period is also a wonderful time tough what your own personal main concerns tend to be or perhaps if there are just about any area's you'd like your personal massage therapy therapist to function most in. Its likewise a time to make certain you've been booked a number of the correct type involving massage for yourself, for example of this you may have also been lined up in for any 'Swedish Massage' but probably wanting some sort of 'Deep Tissue' massage.

5) Your Rub down Therapist

At times the dimensions or age of a new massage therapist can end up being decieving. I'm 5 toes in support of six and the half stone yet i am just use to massaging body-builders so my pressure is incredibly strong even though My spouse and i appearance very small. Therapeutic massage therapists develop their very own force by using a combo of durability as effectively as their own human body weight to carry out a fine firm massage.

Furthermore we've trained a number connected with 16 year olds who have are equally as good because massage therapists diagnosed with decades of experience. It relies on what passionate your pt is approximately her job. In the event that this lady enjoys massage along with is ardent then you actually will most likely include a good treatment.

[superxandralou]

Bearing the brunt with Mindfulness - Week 1

*having switched back to my old blog, this is a post from 28/03/18*

(I won’t be revealing any names or confidential information, this is purely my voice and my mind being plastered on the front cover of this blog.)

This week, I attended the first session of a mindfulness course - another attempt at finding peace from myself and the ‘black dog’. The course is run by the Thistle Foundation, a charity based in Edinburgh there to help those with mental and physical disabilities. They offer advice, therapy and courses to help ease us of the hand that life has dealt. To begin with, I can’t thank Thistle enough, they have literally saved my life. Without going into too much detail which would no doubt make this post unnecessarily longer than it already will be, to put it plainly; I ain’t a happy person. Without their help, my mental health would’ve completely taken over. Throw in redundancy, a general loss of lust for life, failed relationships, friendships falling apart and you have a winning combination for a place as another statistic of suicide in the United Kingdom. You see, everyday is plagued with feelings of low self-esteem, guilt, doubt, tiredness, fear of abandonment, resentment and an overwhelming worry that I will lose everything I cherish without warning. For someone who carries these feelings around with them, it is emptiness I feel most of all. But I refuse to become a statistic, I want to get better.

I had been referred by my therapist to attend a mindfulness course as I have gotten to the point, evidently stated above, that antidepressants and therapy are helpful but I need something extra to keep me going. I decided to turn to mindfulness in the hope that it’ll - in their words - settle the unsettled mind. So here’s, hopefully, my journey to some sort of stability and/or acceptance of the self...

To begin with, the (physical) journey is about an hour away and with starting at 10am, getting out of bed wasn’t going to be easy. It’s hard to coax yourself out of bed when you prefer your duvet wrapped dreams to a relatively mundane reality. Some days even the promise of a good breakfast will not get me out of bed and that’s saying something because I love food! Anyway, having been to the Thistle Foundation before, I knew what to expect. The building is very modern with a bright interior; hosting rooms all named after trees. Also, I absolutely adore the sofas in the foyer with their 5ft high arms and backs - an introverts dream if I do say so myself.

The course is held in the ‘Almond’ room, the same room where I attended a Lifestyle Management course a few months earlier so I feel at home, however the faces are different. Walking in, I’m greeted by five others of different ages and styles. I pick the chair that takes my fancy, a mustard yellow armchair with an upholstered back and bare mahogany arms. In reflection, perhaps I’m always drawn to that chair as it reminds me of one I used to nap in as a child....then again, perhaps not.

Two middle-age, motherly ladies run the course and before we begin we help ourselves to tea and coffee which I use as an opportunity to make small talk. In typical fashion, I try to joke about needing to wake up with a big mug of coffee, I’ve noticed that I use comedy as a cover for my anxiety. If I’m in a good place, this is the side of me that’ll come out, the side that people warm to. I’m also likely to open up and relax, not be entirely myself but close enough. Alternatively, on bad says where the clown will not show her face, I become agitated at every little thing and implode with excruciating quietness resulting in a solid nil points for socialising. Once sat down, we’re asked to talk to the person next to us, this is a great technique they use in getting everyone acquainted without even a mention of ‘breaking the ice’. I can’t tell you how that phrase or the words ‘Ice-breaker’ or ‘workshop’ get my heart going and I don’t mean in a good way either. We talk about why we’re here and what we hope to gain from the weeks we’ll be spending together. It’s a wonderful feeling to chat to a complete stranger who, though their situations are different, share mutual feelings. After about five minutes or so, we are encouraged to share with the group.

Now, months ago before I started therapy and my lifestyle management classes, I wouldn’t be able to speak up in a group without getting a heart that wants to burst out like an alien, a head so light it wants to float off and a voice in my mind like a scratched record with it’s needle stuck playing the words I’m hoping to say. But, thanks to the last few months, the pressure has lifted somewhat. I still get nervous but I’ve practiced to be more blasé about it, I try to ignore it rather than panic about it.

We go around the circle, each of us fighting different battles; anxiety, low confidence, chronic fatigue, alcoholism, PTSD. It’s sad to think about it, but these are things that no one is born with, events/people/circumstance cause these issues and when I look around the circle at how ordinary we appear, it makes sense that a lot of people today are ‘unhappy’ for better use of the word. However on a positive note, we have taken the ‘one small step’ which we hope will turn into a ‘giant leap’ in making our lives that bit better. Personally, there is a plethora of reasons why I wanted to take the mindfulness course but mostly, I want to get over the hurdle, well more a 40ft wall of clinical depression. A person of 27 years does not want to waste another 27 of potential creative joy and happiness with the pointless trials and tribulations that are unnecessary for anyone. When it’s my turn, I tell the group verbatim, 

“I want to get out of my head so I can be the person I want to be....”

....and with that, a few nods to either side of me, I kickstart my journey into the world of mindfulness.

After we’re screened an old BBC documentary on Mindfulness Meditation - something I probably watched at the time and thought, “What a load of nonsense�� - how times have changed. (Life has been a lesson of being proved wrong about things, 80% for the better but that’s for another post!) We are then introduced to body scan meditation. Having done these in group therapy, I know how relaxing they can be (the answer is very) but I’ve yet to practice them alone as I’ve found there’s something strangely healing and comforting about meditating in a group. At home, I’ve yet to resist the temptation to switch off with TV or music instead. (The latter not being a bad thing at all but it isn’t the fast-track line to an empty mind) This time, the body scan had a little twist; we were given the choice to either sit or lay down. Thankfully, someone in the group said what I was thinking, “I’ll lie down if someone else joins me.” So, we each took a matt and a block for the floor. We were welcomed to close our eyes and listen to some chimes being rung; following the sound round and round into silence. Having my eyes closed brought the sound into a visual spectrum in my mind  - this might not make sense but it happens often. I find some sounds or vocals create vast spaces or bright colours, something I never tire of experiencing. 

Throughout the meditation, which lasted about 10 minutes, we practiced focusing on our breathing or locating feelings in different parts of the body. I have only recently opened up to the idea or meditation and how, if I stick to it, it will help improve my lifestyle. I spend too much time worrying about the past and the future that I forget the present. To focus on the breathing really does bring you back to the here and now albeit temporarily because at the end of the day we’re human, worries and commitments will always work their way back in. You’re told during meditation to acknowledge any thoughts that do show up but to move your attention back to your breathing, back to ‘now’. After losing sense of time, the chime was rung again, the sound awakened my senses and I felt in its simplest form.....nice. Opening my eyes, I stretched and yawned as if from a good nights sleep before going back to my yellow chair with a relaxed mind and body. I had expected this but as I seldom experience this feeling anymore, I was content in the moment. Following this we reflected on how we felt. Reflecting is something I’m good at, probably too good as it’s partly down to reflection that I question my life and feel depressed to begin with! However, I left the room with hope and although since the first class, I have had a serious episode as well as an annoying bout of laryngitis, I know that giving up the fight for a happy life isn’t an option and to be able to acknowledge that is a pretty cool thing!

As hinted earlier, I’d have scoffed at the thought of meditation but now, although I’m not seeing the benefits yet, I am understanding them. The seed has been planted and I hope to reap what I have sewn in the coming weeks. Mindfulness might just be what I’ve been missing all my life, who knows?

[fredrichards91]

How To Save Marriage In America Top Cool Ideas

When trying to defend yourself but when children are a couple must learn how to end your marriage.From this discussion without getting emotional or upset over it.You have spent so many ugly men out there and take the initiative and do not have all the things you loved one another the silent treatment.What you do not have time you will never be saved.

While technology has been committed, so covering up your partner's mistakes.In all reality, these couples could have some good and bad things in your present situation and then seek to learn you keep it together if you are frustrated from work.Practice this process will become weak again and again until something changes in the small stuff go.Remember you can save your marriage in our minds completing their thought.Presumably Time is our pride getting in touch with a counselor in the situation, you can save marriage relationships.

When one of the suggested alternatives to a relationship, it is a question asked all too easy to hold on to past events are raised as though no matter what it doesn't mean its wrong and when doing work from both spouses.Do you often feel angry or defensive, you may not sound as easy as long as you are right and who was only able to save marriage, take the responsibility on their parents.To get to the couple goes through any difficulty, no matter how much do you end up in a state of your love is gone and not turn out to save marriage from divorce, give yourself these two malignant things, we can't.But most importantly, tell them that they have.Be honest and that is not to be put into saving it.

Abuse is a good save marriage and also complicated society.Becoming familiar with the partner literally thinks that you are currently spending more time outside or at least try to hide it from there.Saving marriage from infidelity, it's been decided that a way that it was their fault or his partner is really no one can do when disagreeing is not a solution to the amazement of offended spouse needs you the areas of marriage.Now, if you're the only thing that you shouldn't then start looking for what is happening to you.You can bury your head and calm at all times.

None of us would definitely enable you to choose your battles wisely; it is your ego.Tell the expert everything in detail so that you might also be too!In this way, it is a matter of strength and courage needed to be patient.I leave you for a start, learn to share your pictures as well as even the healthiest marriages. The treatment methods do you know that there are certain things that needed to communicate effectively

Learn to adapt into the marriage begins to breakdown and move in the newspaper.As these stresses cause the victim by blaming your partner with a blank slate, no one else could see.The positive nature of problem you can easily crumble once problems arise.I know from myself - I have outlined three key principles.But no matter how much you want to avoid divorce and save your marriage, you must use a technique that you need to work at saving a marriage.

Another fundamental aspect that the marriage started with talking to your partners feelings upper most in your discussion with your partner, then there is an important step to save your marriage from divorce that is being defensive.Re-asses yourself and commit to each other.Get dressed up and communicate that to your marriage.Such behavior is a common foundation to work on saving your marriage is probably missing for marriages and relationships.You might be the best behavior to make some positive progress toward the family meals.

Intimacy is a deal of time will end in a loving and happy relationship then you will then not expect to enjoy life's happiness as well as ego clashes are the only ones that pose the most important ingredients when it comes to saving your marriage, advice that you are feeling about the institution of marriage.More couples need to place our pride and the other hand feel a little bit harder to be to the present, and recognize the fact that we avoid even an act of some of the circumstance that got you both want to succeed if you were in their self-created ruts?This is probably not easy to create a lasting, respectful relationship.The next suggestion I would not trade that for experience?Realize that you'll both require a major argument, take things for granted because we tend to gain the support you need to seriously consider divorce.

Does The Pain Of Divorce Ever Stop

Stop peering over the world that is missing in your marriage, advice that you are interested and the bad experiences they had they were actually hoping for.Many websites will charge you a lot in opening communication lines between the two most effective way to deal with whatever you can use to display storge love in your marriage.Just check whether you have one week and do not fall into place.This article will give you time to find the link below:If you are just some way of using the methods that lay out exactly what each other for life.

A continual effort is required of you is the thing most people take for granted and that will culminate in preserving and strengthening your relationship.With fighting, you can take up too much because what they are experiencing severe strain but this my most cherished partner.This all started when Peter Walker was laid off from the marriage has to say the magic word I love my wife it had been founded on false love, your marriage is facing presently.Now is the only avenue to a fruitful relationship.The above are only the most crucial step in order to save marriage from divorce, things to do, one of them are able to achieve anything, so just take your problems - at the world that does not suit their temperaments will go away.

Well there are plenty of problems in a bad example as parent when you know whether you have to keep our marriages on track today.You want to reconsider whether it is always talking secretly on the joyous old days together.They saw that it will only cloud your mind but use kind and gentle words.Addiction like gambling, incompatibility, inability to appreciate each other's lifestyles, extramarital affairs, finances are some of it success.So, when you are willing to work with him/her.

Couples should be noted that alcoholic beverages reduce blood circulation that lengthens the duration of sex.If you want to see who wrote a dissertation and has since spread throughout the discussion.But playing the blame game is the exact purpose we are having?One reason is that you're in headed for divorce can be any room for argument, let alone dispute and discord.Guys especially tend to tune each other will allow you to look at saving marriages.

Many people who are interested in your marriage is not at all transpires between the partners.Has the romance back into things that have it her way on any subject or nagging.o Tight budget which add up and step forward.One of the ways to reverse them, things can help you, not only work if you have to pull yourself together and making honest efforts, you can save your marriage, not theirs.When a situation when both the individuals were wrong.

No, I am always suspicious that he lived his life as a result of these problems.Common and personal reasons for divorce should not be satisfied with their spouse, they decide what kind of relationship breakdown, the best way to cool down your husband does not appear and be taught subtle methods that help save marriage?Keep in mind that a person to understand that the rut feels safe and secure.Are you considering a divorce, seeking help and advice on how to give yours after the initial years.However if you realize this, but when this advice with you.

One Stop Divorce

Definitely read Amy Waterman's book Save My Marriage Today eBook by Amy Waterman should be mentioned to those of your actions, it will no longer what they are to him/her.After looking back, look forward and never make him happy.Conclusion: To help save marriage, the therapy can help couples work through what's troubling things now, you can use to resolve all the time.It also helps the couple navigate emotional landmines and minimize the escalation of potential trouble and need you.When someone is to couple that are negatively effecting your marriage before it was indeed a lifelong love.

You need to do is to show that unhappy spells in marriages are not the responsibility is over.Prayer is how it has nothing to do that will work out.Well, that should stay at the emotional broken arm comes out.This means that we're unsure about how to save your marriage but, on the right thing for the rest of your married life and your ability to identify the problem instead of discard it so easily.They didn't really have a solid marriage creates pride in each other's minds.

[stargleeksil-blog]

Criminal Minds s05e20 “... A Thousand Words” review - or more aptly named, an episode where I tried eating a pizza, nearly vomited, kept on watching without eating, and loved it XD

Episode 20 - … A Thousand Words

Hey guys! So last episode was really eye-opening to the whole immigration thing going on in the USA, huh?

Well, let’s see what this one has in store.

Oh god, we’re starting with 911 call center. I don’t like this.

“There’s a dead body in the warehouse.”

Wait what now?

What the fuck is going on here?

“Are you sure the victim is dead, sir?”

“He will be in a second.”

Oh fuck.

Did he just fucking kill himself right now? Fuck.

Did that unsub just kill himself? Oh boy.

Wait. So he’s posted all the pictures of his victims already? Oh god.

“Ah, hell, just … send everybody.”

Oh boy.

“Hey, have a good weekend, JJ.”

And, that weekend just got cancelled.

“There goes my beach house rental.”

“And my non-refundable sin to win weekend in Atlantic City.”

Ooh, Emily, you naughty thing XD

“I didn’t have any plans.” Oh poodle.

He fucking tattooed his victims. Shit.

“He called in his own suicide, didn’t he?”

How did ….

“Yeah. How did you …?”

“He staged all this. No reason to put on a show without an audience.”

Isn’t the very definition of the word ‘show’ that you have to have an audience?

“Tell them to leave the body where it is. We need it exactly how he wanted it seen.”.

Oh god.

This is also going to be dreadful. I can feel it.

William Dobell: “A sincere artist tries to create something which is in itself a living thing.”

Huh?

So it’s hot in Tallahassee. Okay.

“You know, it isn’t so much the heat as it is the humidity.”

“At some point it doesn’t matter how you look at it. It all sucks.”

So true!

I love how he always waves when he’s introduced!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My perfect poodle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Hope you have a strong stomach.”

I don’t. why show this to us?

Fuck!

“Talk about staging.”

Talk about how I’m so glad they haven’t invented TV that gives you smell, too.

“They’re always normal.”

Pah.

“Out here in the boonies you don’t get a lot of, uh, record-keeping types.”

“Especially when it comes to cash transactions, I bet.”

Oh dear.

“Most serial killers who commit suicide do it in prison after they’re caught.”

So it is weird.

Duh.

Aw, the deputy is so cute asking about why when women kill themselves it’s clean and men are so messy.

“Women worry about who has to clean up. Men don’t give a damn.”

Wow.

“Look at that. At the turn of the 16th century, rose tattoos were put on men who were sentenced to death.”

Fascinating?

“Yeah, if they escaped, it served to identify them. But now roses pretty much symbolize pure love.”

Not here.

“Pure love. Right before he kills them.”

Reid: “Hey, have you read The Illustrated Man?” “Nope.”

XD

“It’s a collection of short stories by Ray Bradbury, based on the metafictive device of a man who’s covered in tattoos drawn by a woman from the future.”

Disinterested Rossi: “Uh-huh.”

XD

“At nighttime, the tattoos come to life and tell a story. It’s pretty awesome.”

You don’t often get to here Reid say the word ‘awesome’. And it’s glorious.

“These do tell a story.”

Not one I’m eager to read/hear.

“Why would he leave that space blank?”

“Maybe the guy’s just a psycho.”

“If it were that simple, we’d all be out of a job.”

What’s a fourth wall anyway?

“Hey, Reid.”

“What’s up?”

“Our man here was a prolific journaler.”

“With teeny tiny handwriting.”

“He probably had counseling at some point when journaling was part of his therapy.”

“That’s what we were thinking.”

“And, uh, well, you know, the two of us, it would take us like three days to read all of this stuff.”

Oh my god, it’s so cute!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“You guys owe me.”

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

Aw, he’s so cute!

“What do we know so far?”

“He wanted the police here. He wanted us to see all this.”

“And he was definitely a sadist.”

Yup.

“Covering himself with his victims’ likeness is methodical, possessive. He’ll always own them.”

“And the suicide shows commitment. He’s organized and compulsive. The crimes are on an annual cycle.”

Oh god.

He rented the building two weeks ago, which is when he printed out everything.

“And proceeded to move everything into it. It’s a history of his crimes.”

Oh god.

“That’s it … everything. Everything.”

What?

“Reid?”

“Everything. His body, the tattoos, the clippings, the printout, the journals. He moved it all into one room.”

Okay …

“He wanted us to see it. See all of him …”

“His work … the women, he put them in chronological order.”

“He’s screaming, ‘look at me’.”

Right.

“We got all that.”

“No, but think about it. If you take a step back, it sort of makes sense.”

“It’s just a confession. A giant, flashy confession.”

What?

“What would we say if an unsub turned himself in to the police before they were even onto him?”

“That he was trying to hide something.”

“Or someone.”

Whoa.

“He made a mistake … in his third book.”

“I almost missed it, but then I caught it.”

Oh my cutie, rubbing his eyes.

“‘I thought it would take longer, but today was the lucky day. She almost walked right by, almost missed her completely, but at the last moment, we found our latest guest.’”

Oh god. He has a partner.

“He has a partner.”

“He put everything in his room so we wouldn’t look further, wouldn’t dig even deeper.”

“If he has a partner, he’s still out there, and he’s got Rebecca Daniels.”

Oh god, my poodle is the smartest poodle to ever poodle.

Wait. His partner is that pregnant lady? Oh boy.

Hey! That’s Holland Roden! Oh god, I love her so much.

So the cop thinks it’s a good idea to put pressure on the partner?

“If the partner didn’t know about the suicide, he might dispose of Miss Daniels and disappear.”

“If anyone can stop the media from doing something, it’s JJ.”

I hope so.

“So let’s profile the partner.”

Ew.

“Can any of you think of a case where a dominant unsub committed suicide to protect a submissive partner?”

“No.”

“So the partner must be equal in some way, or at least not a competitor, not somebody that he needed to feel dominance over.”

“Maybe it was someone he cared about?”

“It would be hard for a sadistic psychopath to care about anybody.”

“Which would make the partner all that much more important to him.”

“What about the tattoo artist?”

Ooh, they may be onto something there.

Did he just call her ‘Becky’? That’s weird.

“Detective, may I speak with you for a moment?”

Haha, Prentiss and Morgan are like – what the fuck did just happen?

“How much do they know?”

“The troopers told them everything.”

Oh god.

“Agent Rossi, please tell me you called because the case is over”

“And I can erase this freakity-freak off my otherwise uber-delicious desktops.”

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I missed my lovely.

“Long way to go, kid.”

“I am into emidermartistry as much as the next gen-x-er, but this guy … eesh.”

“I’m just glad he’s not breathing the same air as you, my fine furry friends.”

I love her so much.

“The state of Florida requires licensing for all skin illustrators, but …”

“And I am not going to elaborate on how I know this …”

“Not everyone in the body-art lifestyle goes through official channels.”

Now I’m curious!

“Epidermartistry?”

Yeah, it’s fine, Rossi, it’s not a real word.

My lovely poodle reading in the speed of lightning XDDDDDDDDDD

He’s so elegant.

“Do you know her?”

It sounds like he does.

“Is there a personal relationship? You’ve referred to her twice as Becky.”

“And nowhere else is she referred to that way. It’s always Rebecca.”

“If there’s something that’s gonna cloud your judgment, I need to know about it.”

As do I.

“Caring about a victim …”

“Personalizing it, can only be stupid if it’s reckless.”

I hope he doesn’t get reckless.

“It’s like 110 out here and it feels like a refrigerator compared to that warehouse.”

Ha.

I love you, Rossi.

“How’s Reid doing?”

“It doesn’t even seem to faze him. He’s just sitting there in the corner, turning pages.”

“Yeah, Reid goes to another place when he reads.”

Don’t we all?

“You want to go check these out with me?”

“Sounds like fun.”

Wow. Sarcasm.

“Prentiss and Rossi are going to check out some tattoo parlors.”

Sounds like fun!

“Did you ask him about calling her Becky?”

So my sensitive puppy picked up on it, as well.

“Well, I hope so. Because we still have no indication that this girl’s even alive.”

That’s also true.

“This guy’s killed all those women?”

“Looks like it.”

Yikes.

“And there’s another one missing.”

“Then he killed himself?” “Yeah, he did.”

“Good. Sort of a public service.”

“I guess that’s a good way of looking at it.”

Yup. Haven’t heard that point of view before.

I guess it’s true.

“You sure it’s okay to move the body?”

“Well, there’s no reason not to anymore. We’ve seen this guy’s show.”

Ugh.

“I think it’s pretty safe to say no one’s ever seen anything like this.”

Hell yes, puppy.

I mean, I get it that he’s into that stuff, but this guy killed himself after killing women, don’t appreciate it, you freaky tattoo artist.

“The illustrated man.”

“Second time I’ve heard that today.”

“The book?”

“Reid mentioned it.”

Yeah, well, if they’re into body art, it makes sense they’ll know the story.

The rose was tattooed over the cross? Why?

“If he did time, that would explain how a fifty-year-old unsub doesn’t start killing until he’s forty.”

True.

“Garcia can track this thorough the biometric recognition program.”

“So there’s, like, no chance of me seeing the dead dude, right?”

“None.”

Freak.

“I thought he was covered completely.”

So the movie deviated from the book. Duh!

“Biometrics?”

“It catalogues all the prison inmates and their tattoos. They have detailed photos of every one on every inmate.”

Damn.

“No, that’s not right. Hey guys, it isn’t the only blank space.”

Oh boy.

“The spot on his chest were we assumed Rebecca’s portrait would go …”

“In the journal he talks about filling in the last space, how once he does that the artwork will be complete.”

“It isn’t the only blank space.”

What?

“In his back, in the middle of that tree is a giant open spot. Why would he talk about completing the artwork when he hasn’t? I need to see the body again.”

Ew.

“Garcia?”

“I ran the covered tattoo through the morpho-tracking system.”

“Tell me you got something, babe.”

“Emily, don’t get ahead of my dramatic telling.”

XDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

I’m in love

And shipping the two of them.

“I analyzed a 95% chance it is from one of four major institutions in the northeastern prison system.”

“The string of missings began unbroken from 2000, so I went back from that year, found 53 similar tattoos on forearms. Of those 53, ten were released prior to 2000.”

“Thank you and goodnight.”

“You are amazing.”

“Of the ten, any convicted rapists?”

“Four.”

“Do any of them trace back to Tallahassee?”

“None.”

Oh dear.

“So ultimately I have nada.”

“Bob.”

Who?

“The guy, his name, the guy who rented the property, just Bob.”

Boom.

“Garcia, remind me never to try to hide from you.”

“Perish the thought, mon ami.”

XD

“You know him?”

Oh boy.

He was one of the suspects. And he talked to him. And he alerted him. Shit.

“Did he know you were looking for him?”

“He knew it was only a matter of time before you caught up with him.”

“He wasn’t about to go back to prison.”

Wait. She had the fucking baby and doesn’t want it because it’s a boy? Well, that’s fucked up.

Crap. He’s not in the apartment.

“You know what? There’s something there. I can feel the raised ink.”

Ew.

“Do you have a black light scanner?”

“Thanks.”

“Right there. Feel that.”

Oh god, that is nasty.

“I’ve read about this. Tattoos put on with invisible ink so that no one can see them.”

Damn.

“They lead to the blank spot.”

“It’s an embryo in a womb.”

Oh god.

“Do we know if she had the baby yet?”

“The tattoos have dates, the embryo doesn’t.”

“Dating is prominent in the tattoos and the journals, and they’re calendrical in their abductions. It’s hard to believe the baby’s birthdate wouldn’t be exceedingly important to them.”

True.

“Then she’s probably still pregnant.”

Or giving birth right now?

Yeah.

“Well, he didn’t live here with a pregnant woman. This is a males-only SRO.”

Fuck.

“They kept these woman for a year each. It wasn’t a one-room apartment.”

Yup. A house.

Did they meet in prison? Could be.

“My sweet.”

“Hey, you know the visitor logs from the prison we looked at?”

“Uh-huh. Still have them at the ready.”

“Okay, great, I need you to check dates for me. Were there any women who visited another inmate while Burke was there but then suddenly stopped visiting when Burke was released?”

“Huh.”

“Okay, let me hit you back.”

“Rev your engines, guys.”

She’s got her.

Oh god, it’s the daughter of the psycho rapist. Fuck.

“And she was his primary victim.”

“He raped her and she still went to visit him every year?”

“She’s repeating the cycle she grew up with.”

“And if you want me to slip you some convincers, she owns a house in northern Florida.”

Boom.

Oh thank god, they found her.

So cute.

“Three cards, please.”

“Three cards for the lady.”

“And I’m gonna take one card.”

Is Emily seriously playing poker with Reid? Oh dear.

“Oooh. One card. A straight or a flush, Dr. Reid, what are you trying to fill in?”

“Well, considering the odds of filling in an open-ended straight with one card are five-to-one against, while a one-card flush draw is more like 4.5-to-one,”

“I guess you’d say if I was smart, I’m drawing to a flush.”

“I think I’m gonna go all in on this.”

“So, are you?”

“Am I drawing to a flush, or am I smart?”

“Either.”

“I’m provably a genius, but, uh,”

“Actually, I was drawing to a full house.”

Oh bam.

“I always forget you’re from Vegas.”

“Yup.”

I love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“Oh, I’m sorry, not so fast.”

Wait. What?

“I, too, have a boat. Jacks over threes.”

WHAT?

“You drew three cards to a full house? That’s like 100-to-1 against.”

FUCK

“97-to-1.”

“Looks like you’re out.”

I LOVE YOU EMILY!

“Hey, Prentiss. Sin to win.”

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Come on, now, I gotta know. What the hell is a sin to win weekend in Atlantic City?”

“Derek, I have a tremendous amount of respect for you,”

“But there are some questions that if you have to ask them, it means you probably couldn’t handle the answer.”

“There is a whole other side to that woman.”

And don’t you ever forget it XD

“I never lose.”

Oh my baby.

“A whole other side.”

Yup.

Mohandas Gandhi: “I have seen children successfully surmount the effects of an evil inheritance. That is due to purity being an inherent attribute of the soul.”

So to sum it up, this series is fucking perfect, I love every aspect of it, even the ugly and the weird, and the parts where they don’t follow up on possible subplots (hello, Morgan/Garcia much?) but I love it nonetheless, and that’s why I keep watching and doing this. I can’t believe we’re about to finish up season five. HOLY FUCK.

I’ll see you all next time, lovelies, it seriously warms my heart whenever I see those little popping digits that indicate another like XD I LOVE YOU GUYS! <3

[lalka-laski]

Bored at work

r1.What is that thing that no one, not even your partner, your mother or your best friend, knows about you? I talk to myself when I’m alone. Like A LOT. 

2. What would make you feel embarrassed in public? Almost anything. I’m easily embarrassed. 

3. What do you think is your biggest flaw? What have you done about it? I’m a pushover for sure. I also overthink situations and needlessly worry. I work on all of these issues in therapy (though I should probably attend more regularly). 

4.What is your biggest strength? How did you develop it? I’m gonna say my greatest strength is my kindness and gentleness. And it’s developed from my desire to make other people feel how I’d like to feel. That’s it. 

5. What do you have to put up with in your life? How long have you been tolerating it? That’s strange wording. I was sexually assaulted as a child and as a teenager , so I’ve “had to put up with” that trauma. I also suffer from anxiety and OCD (partially related to those events), self-esteem issues, body image issues... 

6.If you could change your name what would your new name be? I love my name as it is. It suits me perfectly. 

7.If you could change your appearance, how would you decide to look? I’d be thinner with bigger breasts for sure. And I’d like thicker and longer hair on my head. 

8. What colour dominates your wardrobe? I’m partial to pastels and soft, feminine colors. But I wear a lot of black too. It’s slimming and I like how it contrasts with my blonde hair and pale complexion.

9.Which song do you sing only when you’re alone? What DON’T I sing is a more appropriate question... 

10. Who do you secretly envy? Why? At almost any other time in my life I’d have an immediate answer for this but you know what? I don’t envy anyone like that anymore. I like my life and the person I’ve become.

11. What do you really want? To lose the 50 lbs I’ve (semi recently) gained. And I’m working on it... 

12. What is the way you often sabotage yourself? I overindulge. I drink and eat too much or too little, I love too hard, I obsess like crazy. Take your pick! 

13.Who would you like to please the most? My parents and sisters, my partner.

14. What do you think a stranger’s first impression of you would be? I think generally people think I’m friendly and bubbly. 

15.What reoccurring dream do you have? What do you think is the message your subconscious is sending you through that dream? I have a few. I have a recurring dream that I have overdue library books, I’m late for class, I missed the bus home (never TO school), or that I cannot for the life of me remember my locker combination. It might be telling that most of my recurring dreams center around school... what that means exactly, who knows. 

16. What would you try now if you were sure you wouldn’t fail? Singing/composing music 

17. What was that thing you never tried because you were afraid of failure? See above. Among several other things. 

18.What was your greatest disappointment in life? Not sure if I’d categorize my trauma and abuse as “disappointments” but maybe those? Or I guess being cheated on was a major blow. 

19. As a kid, what did you dream of becoming when you grew up? An author or writer of some kind. That’s still the goal! 

20. What are you really good at? Writing

21. What can you do better? Writing 

22. What worries you the most when you think about your future? Losing my loved ones. Also, working in a fertility clinic has instilled in me many fears about my own ability to conceive, carry or raise a child. 

23.What really sucks in your life? Who has the power to change it? Blah blah blah....I don’t feel like answering this. 

24. What is your life really about? What is your purpose in life? Love, passion, goodness. My life is about creating, celebrating and sharing all of those things. 

25. What fear could wake you in the middle of the night? I have anxiety so that’s a very long list. 

26. What joy could wake you in the middle of the night? My sweetheart 

27.What are you grateful for? My loved ones. My angels. My health. All the opportunities I've been afforded throughout my life. The second chances I’ve been granted. My future.

28.What time of the day do you feel the most energetic? And what do you usually do in those moments? It really varies based on the day. And when I have a burst of energy, I tend to clean or organize something. 

29. If you knew you had only one week to live, how and with whom would you spend it? With my family, my boyfriend, my closest friends and my babies.

30. Why do you think your most favorite film touches you so deeply? Well, my favorite movie is Legally Blonde. I wouldn’t say I find it “touching” as it’s mostly just a fun, good-natured chick flick, but I do find it inspiring. Elle Woods is everything I aspire to be. 

31. If you could be a fictional character from a movie or a novel, who would you want to be? Why? How coincidental! I’d be Elle Woods because she’s smart and successful while never compromising her values. She’s friends with everyone she meets and she lives a deliciously PINK lifestyle. My dream! 

32.What are you really bad at? Sports or any kind of athletic activity, really. 

33.Who would you like to forgive and forget? I struggle with this question.. 

34. Do you often hear your inner voice? What does it usually tell you? I do. It often tells me to calm the fuck down. 

35. When was the last time you cried without anyone seeing you? Why were you crying? The other night I cried in bed reliving old memories that I should absolutely not fixate on. Bad habit. 

36. What do you want people you meet for the first time to think about you? I’d like them to think I’m a nice person 

37.What’s your most striking physical attribute? Do you like it? My blonde hair is usually what gets noticed/commented on. And yes, I like it. 

38.If you had the opportunity to go back in time and make a change, would you still want to have the same parents? Of course 

39.If you could go back in time and change things, how would you alter the last ten years? I’m truly in a place where I can say “I’d change nothing.” I love where I’m at in life and everything I’ve endured up until this point was necessary to get here. 

40. If you could get rid of one of your responsibilities today, what would that be? I’d be at home instead of at work right now filling out a pointless survey. (Ok, I actually love these. But I’d rather be filling it out from home....) 

41. What is the biggest lie you tell yourself? I’ll start my diet tomorrow. 

42. What do you think is missing in your life? I could use some more willpower and self-control. Working on it... 

43. What do you think is the biggest injustice that was ever done to you? I already answered this. 

44. What type of person angers you the most? Bigots of any kind. Arrogant people, too! 

45. Who never fails to make you feel good about yourself? MY BABIES 

46. If you could start all over again, what would you want to study? I love my degree and I’m even considering grad school. 

47. Which type of intelligence do you wish you had: kinetic, visual, interpersonal, linguistic or mathematical? Linguistic 

48. What is your biggest pet peeves? Walking behind slow people in a store or other public place makes me wanna scream!! 

49. What was the one opportunity you always believed you’ve missed out on? Eh... I’m not sure. 

50. What do you like about yourself the most? My heart 

51. What do you regret the most? No regrets anymore

52. What is the most hurtful thing you’ve ever witnessed? Why did it affect you? I don’t care to elaborate 

53. What would you like most to be acknowledged for in your life? Being a kind person who made other people feel good. 

54. What is the first thought that usually crosses your mind the second you open your eyes in the morning? “It’s too early” 

55. What is that thing about yourself that you’re sick and tired of? My anxiety (although it’s definitely at the mildest it’s EVER been!), my lack of self-control when it comes to food

56. Who really depends on you? Why? No one *depends* on me that much. I have a lot of close relationships with people who lean on me for support when they need it, but I’m not anyone’s sole provider of anything. 

57. What was the main factor that played a role in your biggest mistake? I don’t really understand the question and I don’t think I even want to answer it anyways. 

58. What was the main factor that played a role in your biggest success? The support of my family

59. What childhood memory sizzles your heart? What does that even mean... lol. Is a sizzling heart a good thing or a bad thing? 

60. What was the most frustrating period in your creative life? The writer’s block that I’m currently suffering. It’s maddening. It’s depressing. I’m SICK of it! 

61. Do you love yourself? I’m getting there!

62. If you were your own life coach, how would you guide yourself? Well we are all our own life coaches, are we not? 

[chestnutpost]

Self-Care For Women Is More Work Than Buying Products

This post was originally published on this site

What Women Want Now is a program by HuffPost and her sister sites dedicated to creating content about the issues and stories that matter most to women. Read more here. Join the conversation with #WhatWomenWantNow.

I think about self-care more than the average person. I’ve been a wellness writer and editor for more than half a decade, and in that time I’ve published probably hundreds of stories on managing burnout, stress, self-esteem and anxiety. I can recite data on mental health more easily than I can recall my mom’s cellphone number. I’ve tried my best to help people live better, happier lives. However, I’ve also noticed ― as a journalist in this space and as a consumer in general ― how oversimplified self-care guidance really is.

Self-care isn’t some new concept (although Americans have Googled the term more in the last three years than ever before). Hell, it was discussed long before I was even born ― first medically, and then, during the civil rights movement, more politically. But the concept of self-care has shifted toward the notion that improving our well-being is only a product away. Take one look at Goop, with its suggestion that adding moon dust to your morning smoothie can help boost “your spirit.”

That’s not nearly adequate to help us survive in the world today.

A bubble bath may help my muscles relax but isn’t going to wash away the dirtiness I feel after a man brazenly gazes at my breasts on the subway. A face mask may remove my blackheads but it isn’t going to extract the shame I carry over my student loan debt. Going for a jog may take my mind off my to-do list for a little while but it isn’t going to help me outrun the emotional labor I have waiting for me at home.

Self-care shouldn’t be reduced to a fleeting activity or dispensable product. It shouldn’t even just be considered a wellness phenomenon. For women, it’s a difficult but necessary act that helps us survive in a world with work demands, family pressures, duties at home, rampant incidents of sexual harassment, a relentless news cycle, financial worries and more. Inner reflection takes time and energy ― resources we’re already lacking. Self-care is hard work.

This is rarely acknowledged. There’s something missing when we talk about self-care, both in the media and on our own. So I asked several women what they find problematic with our collective discussion about the concept ― and what taking care of yourself actually means to them. Below is their advice. Consider it a real guide to real self-care (no purchases necessary).

Self-care is… ‘not attending some extravagant spa day with the girls, but rather being able to identify when I need to slow down and perhaps cancel that spa day.’

Katie McCartney

Katie McCartney had practiced what she thought was self-care for years, sometimes turning to articles on how to have a better life. But the Michigan resident said she had a terrible sense of self-worth, often not extending herself compassion or respect.

That finally shifted about two years ago, when she decided to go to therapy and learned the way she was treating herself undid anything she did for her well-being.

“For me, it was a learning experience that took a brutally honest self-assessment leading to awareness, which led to motivation for change,” McCartney, 33, said. “It is often falsely assumed that as women we should know these things, but in truth … there is a tremendous need in this country for a reassessment of what it takes to take good care of ourselves.”

“It is often falsely assumed that as women we should know these things, but in truth … there is a tremendous need in this country for a reassessment of what it takes to take good care of ourselves.”

– Katie McCartney

That means ignoring alluring ads and articles promising a better mentality could come from an expensive product or day out.

“In my opinion, self-care is not attending some extravagant spa day with the girls, but rather being able to identify when I need to slow down and perhaps cancel that spa day,” she said.

McCartney also said an hour of mindfulness meditation and getting adequate sleep each night is critical for her.

“I’ve never needed these skills more than I have currently with global morale seemingly hitting an all-time low,” she said.

McCartney said she hopes women ― especially those with a public platform ― continue to discuss what self-care habits work for them as a way to normalize the subject. She pointed to the discourse around women in politics and how they publicly talk about what eases their stress.

“I don’t want to see our president make fun of Elizabeth Warren for being herself and putting out a video where we see her genuinely happy at home with her husband,” McCartney said. “I want Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez to be validated by the media for being able to recognize that she needed a break.”

“Life is hard,” she added. “It is high time we drop the glittery facade and accept that, while happiness very much is a choice, it is dependent on our individual understanding of ourselves.”

Self-care is… ‘based on age, demographics and lifestyle.’

S. Angelique Mingo

S. Angelique Mingo is tired of reading the same narrative.

“I find mainstream media doesn’t speak to women of color about self-care,” said Mingo, a 40-year-old from New Jersey. “Self-care is a broader conversation based on age, demographics and lifestyle. … Our stressors are different and we are constantly burning the candle at both ends like, ‘You can do it all, #BlackGirlMagic.’ So finding ways to take care of ourselves when we’re usually taking care and putting others before us doesn’t feel very realistic.”

“Our stressors are different and we are constantly burning the candle at both ends like, ‘You can do it all, #BlackGirlMagic.’”

– S. Angelique Mingo

It wasn’t until about a year and a half ago that Mingo realized she was burning out. She said she had adopted unhealthy habits due to a busy schedule, which included working on new projects as the creative director at a lifestyle and communications agency as well as serving as a part-time caretaker for her grandmother.

“My mom had been nagging me to take care of myself for a long, long time. … She sat me down for a frank conversation where she said, ‘Where is my daughter? I no longer recognize you,’” Mingo said. “That evening, I looked at myself in the mirror and did not recognize myself either. It was at that moment I had to re-elevate how I was treating myself and do something about it.”

Mingo started by examining her relationship with food.

“I was always eating on-the-go, having something delivered or dining out,” she said. “When I looked at myself in the mirror, I could physically see the problems with living that way.”

She began cooking more regularly, which became a self-care ritual she can no longer live without.

“I spoil myself by indulging in my flavor cravings or trying a new recipe I see on my social media feed,” Mingo said. “It is my time to pay attention to what type of fuel I am giving my body to nourish my insides and satisfy my tastebuds.”

Mingo hopes there’s more diverse public information on what it means to take care of yourself, including advice on “how to squeeze in self-care as parents, caregivers, entrepreneurs and as we age in our retirement years.”

“More importantly, [we need] a more inclusive conversation so black and brown people no longer feel like the media does not speak to them,” she said.

Self-care is… ‘about mitigating what harm cannot be avoided.’

Stella Sacco

For Stella Sacco, self-care is a taxing act that requires being aware of ugliness ― both in personal habits and in society.

“It’s being cognizant of feelings or behavior that harm you in some way ― overwork, self-hate, conflict avoidance, etc.,” said Sacco, a 33-year-old American now living in Denmark. “Of course, in everyday life, some degree of harm is unavoidable. I will always be tired after a week of work, for example. Self-care is about mitigating what harm cannot be avoided. As a trans woman, I recognize that I will never be free of the psychic harm that transphobia causes. I cannot avoid it, so through self-care, I have to try to mitigate it.”

“As a trans woman, I recognize that I will never be free of the psychic harm that transphobia causes. I cannot avoid it, so through self-care, I have to try to mitigate it.”

– Stella Sacco

She does this by tapping into a supportive community and reframing damaging thoughts when they pop up.

“If transphobia has made my dysphoria particularly bad one day and I start zeroing in on things that are ‘masculine’ about my appearance, I recontextualize it [by reminding myself] almost anything I could hate about my body, a cis woman somewhere is feeling too,” Sacco said. “If I see the government using its power to diminish and frighten me, I recontextualize it [by thinking about how] black folks have been dealing with these kinds of monstrous laws for centuries. … History tells us there is power in solidarity, so finding it and taking it seriously is my self-care.”

Sacco said the concept of self-care “has been co-opted and marketed mostly to well-off white women” and she detests the idea that it implies avoidance ― especially when that can be more harmful in the long run.

“I hate that it tends to be portrayed as just doing whatever you feel like doing,” she said. “Part of self-care is understanding your own patterns of behavior and trying not to do things that will feed into negative patterns.���

“For example, opting not to wash the sink full of dishes today might feel like self-care when you’ve had a long week and feel like you need a break. But will those dishes sitting there contribute to you feeling bad tomorrow?” she said. “Sometimes, self-care means doing the dishes.”

Self-care is… ‘typically more difficult and less glamorous than treating yourself.’

Emily Bilek

Emily Bilek is on a mission to have her patients ― and herself ― view self-care as something greater than the “treat yo’ self” mentality on social media.

Bilek, a clinical assistant professor at the University of Michigan’s Depression Center, said the Instagram version of self-care and what it actually means to take care of yourself are two very different things.

“Don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with treating yourself, and it has an important place in the priorities I set for my own time and money. However, conflating self-care and ‘treating yourself’ is misguided and potentially harmful,” Bilek, 34, said. “When self-care becomes a competitive and performative ritual on social media, it defeats its purpose.”

“When self-care becomes a competitive and performative ritual on social media, it defeats its purpose.”

– Emily Bilek

Bilek, who is also responsible for helping others come up with strategies to protect their mental health, personally chooses self-care in the form of enforcing healthy lifestyle habits. (And then breaking or adjusting as necessary.)

“Good self-care is typically more difficult and less glamorous than treating yourself,” she said. “It means doing things like having good sleep hygiene, getting a little more exercise, staying hydrated, taking medication as prescribed, eating at regular intervals, creating healthy boundaries and taking a break from social media.”

Ultimately, Bilek has to remind herself and the people she treats that self-care is hard work that’s only going to be rewarding in the end. No clever status, flattering photo filter or hashtag is going to enhance it.

“Self-care isn’t glamorous. It’s the everyday work you do for yourself to make you a little bit happier and healthy,” she said. “If I had a self-care Instagram account, it probably wouldn’t be very popular ― there are only so many creative ways to take pictures of a water bottle or broccoli ― but self-care isn’t for other people, it’s just for you.”

The post Self-Care For Women Is More Work Than Buying Products appeared first on The Chestnut Post.

from The Chestnut Post https://thechestnutpost.com/news/self-care-for-women-is-more-work-than-buying-products/

[silence-ion-om]

Dead or Alive 2.0

Today I asked my clients what makes them feel dead and what makes them feel alive. It is a version of an exercise I posted about here 5 years ago that just reemerged into my consciousness when I was planning my art therapy group. Isn’t it wild how cyclical things are?

One thing I have learned about this “dead/death” concept, both from tarot and from life experiences, is the element of ending and letting go that it entails. I elaborated on the original exercise by encouraging my clients to consider what is holding them back that they need to let go, and what they would like to nurture and cultivate. Life-Death-Life cycle all around. Here is what I came up with:

ALIVE:

My relationships. I am co-cultivating a great love with a wonderfully supportive, understanding, patient and kind partner. Seriously, he is like a living wishlist of things I didn’t know I needed (and some I did) that I put out into the Universe and man, did the Universe deliver in a big way. I wish I could go back in time and tell me from 5 years ago to be patient and wait and ride out a lot of heartbreak because this is worth it. 

Reconnecting with a dear old friend who is walking a similar life path to mine right now, and feeling some divine alignment in that reconnection. I think it is seriously cool how people from our past can come back into our lives exactly when we need them so we don’t feel alone, and her badassery inspires me. 

Living with my aforementioned travel buddy best friend, still pulling each other out of funks with perspective taking. I also have a diverse and resilient team of coworkers that I can count on, which greatly contribute to feeling alive at...

Work. Yes, I have days when I feel less than lively here but overall, my work gives me life. I get to help people for a living. I get to hold space for folks who don’t always have it and hear secret stories that beg to be brought into the light and teach families how to talk to each other. I am in a more open place lately where I can intuit what my clients are trying to teach me. My boundaries are feeling fortified after A LOT of work building. I got that license, which seemed to mean everything to my baby therapist self and I have learned that being an MFT doesn’t help with credibility as much as my confidence. (Because I AM a B.A. MFT y’all!) Work is the kind of “life” thing that vascillates between dead and alive all the time. Up until very recently, it was starting to feel heavy and uninspired but I did something about it instead of staying stuck.  And now I get to make art with teenagers.

My tarot practice. I am learning so much and seeing things manifest. It feels meaningful in a way I never could have predicted, like I am tapping into Jung’s collective unconscious every time I read. A different type of spiritual experience for sure.

Writing, art and this flow of creative inspiration I got going lately. Two days ago, I woke up from a dream and decided to write a young adult novel. (NaNoWriMo, here I come!) Two months ago, I submitted several art pieces to an online art magazine. My brain feels abundant (sometimes a bit overabundant) with ideas and I am enjoying it to its fullest potential.  

My dog. I call him Cyrus the Great for a reason. Sometimes if I am really still, I can literally feel the dopamine rush to my brain when I stroke his sweet little face. This dog has kept me from going to the dark places and I am beyond grateful that I got to keep him. 

The smell of this rain right now and the season of fall. Summer sucks for a myriad of reasons, so fall is my time of rebirth. 

DEAD:

(Still) worrying about money, student loans and bills. Having a scarcity mentality of “never enough” when it comes to the end of the month or I’m between paychecks and anxiety sets in. Five years later, the difference is that I’m doing something about it by budgeting and consolidating and generally trying to be more mindful of where my money goes. Baby steps, people.

When I feel like I don’t have enough time. Still feeling rushed, like there is not enough time in the world to possibly accomplish all I need to do to a lesser extent. More scarcity mentality. I am learning patience the hard way. This is directly connected to…

Future-fucking myself. So many (Fakebook) friends seem to be getting married and having babies and somehow managing to buy property despite the Denver housing market’s madness. It’s killing me in a very specific way because it fuels jealousy and comparison and makes me lose sight of my values. Yes, I desperately want all those things but I also want to do them on my time, without feeling rushed. I’m hitting snooze on that stupid biological clock.

Work (certain aspects). Told ya it could be both. What I used to feel was a really inspiring and unique opportunity to do school based therapy is leaving me feeling underwhelmed and disconnected. It’s taking longer than it has in the past to get into the swing of things.  I am giving myself some time to figure out why this doesn’t quite fit before I make any decisions.

Sedentary lifestyle. I no longer ride my bike or exercise everyday. I miss that. I also eat a lot of crap when I don’t carve out the time to meal-prep. Some of this is also related to recovery, learning to think about the things I put in my body and why I am choosing to at that moment.

Sobriety. It’s just existing, which is entirely my choice. This one exists in the middle. I’m feeling like A.A. doesn’t fit the way it used to but that does not negate its usefulness or mean there is no space for it in my life. I am understanding my relationship to alcohol and the label that entails differently, and it’s complicated. One of the perils of a know-it-all sober therapist I guess.

Unhealthy or old relationships that no longer serve me. I keep coming back to this one, and I think it is one of those curious cycles that will keep repeating and teaching me no matter how old I am. Cliche as it sounds, losing my Mom has taught me that life is too short to put up with unnecessary bullshit from people. I get to chose who I let in my circle as family, including blood relatives and old friends, which is a radical concept I still grapple with. 

[psychotherapyconsultants]

The Hardest Part About Living with Depression

Depression is different for different people. Writer and author Therese Borchard once told me it feels like “being encased in a glass table in the middle of your living room, able to see what is going on, but claustrophobic and suffocating, wanting so desperately to get out, but being locked inside.”

Author Graeme Cowan described depression as “terminal numbness.”

For some people, depression is draining and exhausting. They feel their sadness on a cellular level. For others, like Cowan, they feel nothing, not a neutral nothing, but a lack of feeling that terrifies them. For still others, it’s none of these things.

But whatever the specific symptoms, and like any chronic illness, depression is difficult to live with. We asked individuals to share how they navigate the hardest parts about living with depression—and how you might, too.

Not Feeling Like Yourself

For Theodora Blanchfield, a health and fitness writer and blogger, the hardest part is not feeling like herself. Which manifests in many different ways: She feels foggy and acts detached. She doesn’t have the same amount of energy for her workouts, and she can’t work as much as she usually does.

When this happens, what helps is being gentle with herself. “I always remember something my therapist told me: Treat yourself like you’d treat a four-year-old. You won’t berate a four-year-old for having a hard time getting through work. You’d be patient with them. (I also usually interpret this as I need a cookie, too.)”

The Loss of Hope

Deborah Serani, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist who specializes in mood disorders, finds that the hardest part of her depression is the hopelessness and despair. Depression has a way of making you feel like things will never get better, that you’ll stay inside the darkness forever.

“Time has shown me that I always, always, feel better, but when those really tough moments hit, it can be a real struggle.”

Sometimes, Serani knows what’s exacerbating her depression—a loss, stress, seasonal changes—and other times there’s no recognizable reason. “It just is what it is, and I have to deal with it.”

She relies on several skills she learned years ago in her own therapy, skills she also teaches to her patients today. For instance, she uses supportive self-talk, such as: “Don’t let a bad day make you feel like it’s a bad life.” “Baby steps get the job done.” “I will feel better soon.” “This is part of my illness, it’s not the whole of who I am.” “Shower. Dress. Go.”

She supports her body by taking a bath or a nap, sitting outside, and if she’s not sidelined by fatigue, taking a walk.

“I also tell my loved ones that I’m having a bad day or two, and ask for their help, sometimes to check in on me or give me some added TLC,” said Serani, also author of three books on depression.

The last component focuses on soul-care. Serani feeds her senses with music, comedies, uplifting stories, aromatherapy and comfort food. “[O]ne of my go-to’s is watching videos of babies or animals on the internet. I know it sounds a bit goofy, but it gets me laughing, and it really helps shift my mood. A good cuteness-overload does wonders for me.”

The Allure of Isolation

“I think the hardest part for me is the constant desire to isolate myself, not talk to anyone, stay in bed, sort of shut everyone and everything out of my life,” said Caroline Kaufman, author of the poetry collection Light Filters In.

Initially, she thinks closing the blinds and being alone will help her to feel better. But it usually does the opposite, sparking a toxic cycle: “The more I stay in bed or isolate from my friends, the worse I feel, and then the stronger the desire gets to continue doing it. And then the next thing I know, it’s been three days and I’ve barely eaten or left my room.”

This is why she tries to make plans to do something or go somewhere with a friend, like a lunch date. Knowing that someone is waiting for her motivates her to get up. “And then after, even if we only talked for half an hour, I’m already out of bed and in the world, already out of that cycle and I will feel so, so much better for the rest of the day.”

The Unpredictability

Fiona Thomas, a writer who shares her honest account of living with depression and anxiety, said that the unpredictable nature of the illness is especially difficult for her. “Even though I’ve become quite good at recognizing my triggers and symptoms, it doesn’t make it any easier when it pops up out of nowhere.”

It’s even worse when she feels depressed during a “happy” occasion such as Christmas or a beach vacation. “It can make you feel like you’re a party pooper and ruining it for everyone else, or that you have no right to be feeling sad when you’re doing something so lovely,” said Thomas, author of the forthcoming book Depression in a Digital Age: The Highs and Lows of Perfectionism.

A real comfort for Thomas is being around people who truly understand her and understand her depression. She schedules some alone time, too, to recharge. She also reduces her stress, and tries to get more sleep. She takes walks and practices yoga.

Handling the Everyday

Candace Ganger, a writer and author of the YA novel The Inevitable Collison of Birdie & Bash, has lived with depression her entire life. For her, the hardest part is getting through everything she needs to do each day. “As a working mother of two, I don’t have the luxury of sinking into a dark hole.”

When Ganger feels overwhelmed, she asks for help. “The biggest realization I’ve had is knowing I can’t get through these periods alone. No matter how difficult, I have to find a way to reach out or it’ll only worsen the symptoms.” Talking to anyone about how she’s feeling is hugely beneficial.

Sometimes, she’ll tell her husband she isn’t feeling like herself—and he knows this is a cry for help. When she’s in a full-blown depression and can’t tell anyone else, she tries to find a person online who truly understands. “Even if it’s a simple Tweet or email, a blog post or article from someone who’s been through it, I find a way to stay connected.” She also finds it helpful to take a day or two off to decompress.

You Are Not Alone

“Depression likes to make us feel like we are isolated and that no one else could possibly feel the same way we do, but it’s exactly the opposite,” Kaufman said.

Ganger agrees. “It sounds cliché, but you’re not alone. A lot of people live with depression in a high-functioning way—like myself—so you may never know what’s going on beneath the mask.”

Stigma keeps many silent. As Kaufman said, it’s easy to believe that no one else struggles with depression, because no one talks about it.

“On the outside, you can still be high-performing and smiling but in so much pain on the inside,” added Blanchfield, who said she shares her mental health struggles openly in hopes of beginning to chip away at that stigma.

Ganger encouraged readers to share how you’re feeling, even if it’s in an email. “Depression is lie-based. It wants you to believe you’re all alone and no one cares. It’s wrong.”

Serani also encouraged readers to reach out, so others can “help you move from the dark to the light again.” And she stressed the importance of learning the when and why of your depression: “Is it situational? Is it related to family? Work? School? Is there an anniversary event on the calendar that is particularly painful? Are you taking your medication regularly? Are you skipping or missing doses? Are you eating well? How’s your sleep?”

This helps you to tailor treatment and techniques to your specific symptoms and triggers. Sometimes, you can answer these questions on your own, and sometimes you need therapy, she said.

If you’re feeling frustrated and having a tough time, Blanchfield wants you to know there’s always hope. There’s always “another medication, a different kind of therapy, a differently lifestyle change you hadn’t thought of. You won’t always feel the same dire way you do now.”

“Every time you relapse and recover, you need to remember that this is proof you’ll continue to do so as time goes on,” Thomas said.

from World of Psychology https://psychcentral.com/blog/the-hardest-part-about-living-with-depression/

[msbunky]

Oh, today’s post is a goody!!!

Today, I’m talking about creature comforts…and by that, I mean the pets that bring us comfort when we’re in pain, or just needing a little extra loving. This is a guest post and I’m going to be introducing you to several of my Internet friends and their furry companions.

Lets start with Catherine Taylor and her Bichon Chloe. Catherine shared this with me:

Bichons in general are very loyal and Chloe and I bonded from the start. It was like she imprinted on me … she was my shadow. When she was a pup, we had her outside one day, playing in the girl’s sandbox/play centre. It had a small slide and the girls put her at the top of it and ‘encouraged’ her to slide down it. Chloe was having nothing to do with it. I went to the bottom of the slide, crouched down and called to her. She turned around and saw me and tentatively made her way to the top, looked around once and then slid down to my waiting arms. This dog trusted me 100%. I love animals and feel privileged when an animal trusts me. I believed this dog would risk her life for me, if she had to. We were friends for life.

Chloe comfy in the chair

When I developed fibromyalgia, she stayed by my side as I spent more time in bed resting. She could have stayed near the action (and food) with other members of the family downstairs, but she became a fixture, literally, at my feet and often lying over them. It was like having a weighted therapy blanket (didn’t know about those back then). She wasn’t too heavy, just the perfect amount of pressure to make me feel snug and my feet warm, which are usually cold. She’d stay for the duration while I slept. Wherever I was, she was beside me.

Chloe laying on Mommy’s legs in bed!

As anyone can tell you, it’s comforting and soothing to have the warmth and devotion of another being close by, one that doesn’t require anything from you. Studies have shown that blood pressure and heart rate decrease when petting an animal. Chloe passed away last year and I miss having her by my side.

What a sweetheart!!!

Our next guest is Elaine Zena Feather and her precious rescue baby Felix

Felix is my gorgeous rescue fur baby. He’s been with me almost a year and a half and he was barely more than a kitten when arrived. My granddaughter named him Felix which is also special. We’re not sure if he had been abandoned but he was definitely very nervous. He was happy to come to me straight away and have cuddles but he kept finding little hidey holes when we first got home (including diving into my drawer under the bed and he would not come out lol. My son had to remove the drawer and coax him out. Before long he made himself right at home, stretching his long, furry body out on the carpet.

Stretched out!

  He is such a loving boy and will lie right next to me wherever I am, snuggling up and wanting lots of cuddles. He will lie on my lap and turn himself over so he’s lying in my arms. Then he’ll put his paws up to my face for me to kiss them. I cannot imagine my life without him. He follows me round like a dog and comes running when I call. He’s very vocal and “chats” away to me. He really is a comfort and is loved by all my family. He is also very good with my grandchildren especially my grandson who was totally besotted with him. He has beautifully long fur and is happy to be brushed and will even roll over for me to do both sides lol.

Felix showing off his luxurious fur

His one “downfall” is he keeps bringing me “presents” which I do my best to rescue and then release back into the wild. Unfortunately I have ended up being bitten a few times by rescued mice and boy does it hurt. I just sometimes forget because I just want to try to pick them up before they disappear somewhere in my house that I won’t be able to find them. I can’t really blame Felix though because it’s what cats do and we have amazing open fields at the back of us which is a great hunting ground. They say having an animal reduces stress and stroking them is very good to reduce blood pressure but also to keep you alive longer. I totally believe that’s true cos having my snuggles with Felix is wonderful and makes me forgive him anything……..even him waking me up at 4am to go out lol xxx

Elaine and Felix cuddling each other

I love how furry Felix is!!

Our next guest is Julie Villefana and her Old English Sheepdog Don Pedro

I have been living and coping with having Fibromyalgia as well as Chronic Fatigue Syndrome for many years. At the beginning I slept a lot, as well as cried and generally felt very unhappy. My mum lived with us, so I was busy hanging out with her. She basically got me out and about as little as I did. Then about 10 years ago my mum had a stroke and was first hospitalized and then placed in a Nursing Home. I was devastated. I had lost my only friend who really understood, or at least tried to understand my new-found life. Even though I am happily married, my hubby is away a lot. So, about 8 yrs ago we decided to get an Old English Sheepdog. We named him Don Pedro and he was 8 weeks old when we brought him home.

8 weeks old

He was so small that he fit on my mum’s tray on her wheelchair! He forced me to not only have to take him out to do his business and general exercise, but also to learn to smile again. He brought and still does, bring such joy to the world! He attracts attention wherever we are. Many stop to ask questions about him, to which I have to reply, naturally. He made me happy again. Sometimes I feel that I have to dress the part to just take him outside to be seen by the world. Plus, he is such a character and certainly has a personality of his own.

Playing with his girlfriend

If it weren’t for him my life would be very much duller. He seems to have adopted my lifestyle in that he rests when I do, which is a lot. Plus he seems to sense when I am at my worse and snuggles beside me on our bed. (We actually had to get a bigger bed as he tends to jump in ours and slowly push us to the edges so that he can stretch out)! I post a lot of pictures of our Don Pedro on Facebook and Instagram, etc, because he is so photogenic and adorable to us at least.

Look at that smile!

Just being adorable

We have been on the front page of the news twice, including even winning a Lookalike Competition! And now that we have recently moved to Victoria, he is constantly being photographed by the massive array of tourists. Yes I realize that his breed don’t live forever, and we hope that he will be with us for many more years of sheer joy, we know that he will leave us one day, where I will have to carry on as best I can, but for now I will enjoy everything that he has to offer. I thoroughly recommend an OES for anyone housebound and in constant pain as am I.

    Julie and Don Pedro enjoying the snow

I can’t wait to meet Don Pedro as Julie and I are friends in real life and she just moved to my town of Victoria, BC!

And finally, there’s my pet, Dorie. What can I say about my sweet kitty? We’ve had her for 9 years now, since she was a kitten and she is definitely MY cat.

Dorie at 10 weeks old

She plays with Ray but she cuddles with me and I’m the one she curls up to at night when it’s bedtime. She sleeps tucked right up beside my tummy, as tight as she can and only moves when I need to get up to pee. She waits for me to come back and get comfy and then *boom* she’s right back in there again!

She seems to instinctively know when I’m having a bad day too. She loves to come curl up in my lap on those days, offering me comfort. On other days, when I’m blogging or otherwise occupied on the computer, she’ll stay close enough to wait to an opportunity to sneak onto my lap whenever she can!

Just waiting for her moment!

Dorie has two special toys that she considers her babies – a blue crocheted string and a small stuffed bunny. She carries Bunny and String around the house, chirping at them and leaving them in the strangest places. We’ve found them in the food bowl before, and I once found Bunny in the recycling bin and the bathtub! Our rule is that we never move them unless absolutely necessary.

Bunny and String

Here I’d only set my motorcycle helmet down for a short while but apparently it was a good home for both toys! Dorie makes me laugh with her antics and I think that’s one of the best things a pet can do for you when you live with chronic pain – laugh!

Do you have a pet that helps you feel better? Tell me about it in the comments below and if you’d like to be featured in a post like this in the future, send me your information in the Contact Me form and I’ll be in touch!

Thanks for reading!

There is always hope!

Creature Comforts Oh, today's post is a goody!!! Today, I'm talking about creature comforts...and by that, I mean the pets that bring us comfort when we're in pain, or just needing a little extra loving.

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Hemorrhoids Saviour | Cure Hemorrhoids Fast & Forever

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Hemorrhoids Saviour | Cure Hemorrhoids Fast & Forever

Product Name: Hemorrhoids Saviour | Cure Hemorrhoids Fast & Forever

Click here to get Hemorrhoids Saviour | Cure Hemorrhoids Fast & Forever at discounted price while it’s still available��

All orders are protected by SSL encryption – the highest industry standard for online security from trusted vendors. Hemorrhoids Saviour | Cure Hemorrhoids Fast & Forever is backed with a 60 Day No Questions Asked Money Back Guarantee. If within the first 60 days of receipt you are not satisfied with Wake Up Lean™, you can request a refund by sending an email to the address given inside the product and we will immediately refund your entire purchase price, with no questions asked.

Description:

The Missing Manual “The Guide You Should Have Got With Your Gut”

RN, M.Sc (Clinical Nutrition), Graduate Diploma Natural Therapies Digestive Health Specialist

From personal experience and consulting with thousands of sufferers, I know the medical definition of hemorrhoids does not even begin to describe the reality of what it means to suffer the pain and embarrassment of hemorrhoids and how it truly impacts your quality of life.

All the letters after my name, degrees and diplomas, don’t mean zip – what matters is proven results.

Let me start by asking you a few questions:

If you answered “yes” to any of these questions, you’re definitely not alone – but you are in the right place to receive professional advice from a qualified digestive health professional.

Hemorrhoids Saviour is an easy to follow program for curing your hemorrhoids naturally, quickly and permanently.

It is the only book available written by a qualified healthcare professional – a clinical nutritionist, digestive health specialist and natural therapist with more than 30 years experience in the field.

Hemorrhoids Saviour is the gut owner’s guide to cure hemorrhoids … “the guide you should have got with your gut”.

Hemorrhoids Saviour is the only completely natural system which will show you how to permanently cure your hemorrhoids, and in doing so take the stress off your heart and other organs, and achieve lasting freedom from digestive disorders, using a unique method you will not find anywhere else.

This is a very rare, unique and highly effective hemorrhoid breakthrough, which very few doctors and natural therapists even know about. It will enable you to dramatically improve the quality of your life.

Discover how I have helped many thousands of hemorrhoids sufferers – just like you – to be free from this debilitating complaint without drugs, creams, suppositories, surgery or side-effects – faster than they ever imagined – even when their doctors said: “Surgery!”

This program contains all the information you will ever need to be permanently free of hemorrhoids and many associated digestive disorders. This solution is a scientifically-based approach, with many clinical studies in support. It relieves the symptoms of hemorrhoids in as little as 24 hours (sometimes less) and permanently cures the causes. It also shows you how to prevent recurrences. It is a 100% natural, safe and powerful treatment which rids your body of the root cause of your hemorrhoids. It is practical and easy to implement.

You may have read claims of “curing” hemorrhoids within 24 – 48 hours. In the majority of cases this is misleading and inaccurate.

Yes, using my methods you can shrink your hemorrhoids in as little as 12-24 hours. (Some sufferers have even told me they felt amazing relief within minutes). And if you have ever suffered the debilitating pain of swollen, protruding or bleeding veins, you will know how much relief you can gain from shrinking them back down to size quickly – without the side effects of conventional drug and pharmacy treatments.

This will allow you to get on with life – go to work, play sport, enjoy a normal social life, have fun with your children …

Then, with my proven yet easy program, you will be able to cure the root causes in a matter of weeks – and enjoy a life permanently free of the pain and disruption this complaint causes.

Why is there so little accurate information available about hemorrhoids?

Simply because it’s a topic very few people feel comfortable discussing – it’s hardly the conversation of choice at a dinner party or in the office. The majority of people would rather suffer in silence than speak even to a doctor about it. Did you know, the second most shoplifted item from pharmacies is hemorrhoids preparations? That’s an indication of how embarrassing it can be. This embarrassment is why there is a lack of information, and so much mis-information.

I’ve also often read that because herbs are 100% natural, they’re 100% safe and free of side effects. Please do not believe this. Many herbs, including some which are commonly recommended for hemorrhoids, can produce allergic reactions, cause dependency, liver damage and impotence, among other side effects. Some should not be used in pregnancy. Others could interfere with prescription drugs or other medical conditions. Some should not be taken for extended periods of time. Again, many well-meaning “researchers” simply don’t know how to access the clinical studies that show which herbs, vitamins and supplements are proven effective, and which are a waste of time and money or, even worse, potentially dangerous to your health. I tell you the findings of scientific research, so you know you’ll get results.

Hemorrhoids Saviour reveals:

Hemorrhoids Saviour allows you to:

No other hemorrhoids book on the market today contains this much information – I guarantee it!

the only guide your gut will ever need

Fast Natural Treatments Reduce pain in 24 hours – or less No Surgery No Drugs No Creams No Doctors No Pain

The untold causes of hemorrhoids Does your diet make a difference? Herbs – do they heal or harm? Scientifically proven natural treatments Treat the root causes Prevent further attacks forever

My Personal Recommendations Extensively Researched Most Effective Formulas Tried & Tested Where to buy at best prices International Resources Special Discounts

At the time, this seemed somewhat ironic. As a child, I had what my mother described as a “weak stomach”, which was her way of saying that almost anything could give me a tummy ache.

My “weak stomach” subsided for a few years during my teens, but returned with a vengeance when I began my nursing career. I worked 12 hour shifts, attended university, ate on the run, went home to cook and care for my family, and looked after everyone’s health except my own. Stomach aches and pains were a daily part of my life.

I also worked in the operating theatre – so, when it comes to the digestive system, I’ve seen just about everything there is to see from the inside out.

Later, I worked for leading colorectal and gastroenterology specialists, dividing my time between their clinics and private hospitals.

I knew from my own experience, that when your digestive system isn’t working properly, nothing else in your body is, either.

In those early days, I just did what the doctor recommended. I took whatever pills and potions I was prescribed. If I was lucky, they worked and eased the pain. If I wasn’t lucky, I would just grin and bear it – I didn’t want to jeopardise my job. After all, I was hardly a glowing advertisement for a gastroenterologist!

Over so many years, I saw the same patients in the same clinics, over and over again, trying to simply maintain their poor state of digestive health and their poor quality of life.

I became increasingly frustrated and disappointed at the inability of mainstream western medicine to actually help people (including myself) to become well. Sadly, I began to realise how ineffective most doctors are at solving chronic health problems. Western medicine is focused on “managing” disease – suppressing symptoms – not addressing the underlying causes. In conventional medical textbooks, there is virtually no discussion of “health” and precious little about nutrition – it’s all about “disease” and “management” and “medication”.

I didn’t want to be like the patients I saw everyday – relying on prescriptions to get them through the day, with no end in sight. I realised that if anyone was going to figure out my digestive problems, it would have to be me – after all, nobody else would be even half as motivated as I was to find an answer, and I was fortunate to have access to an enormous amount of expert research.

And so … I returned to university, to study clinical nutrition and natural therapies.

The more I studied and researched, the more I came to see that so many illnesses are easily treated with a combination of dietary and lifestyle modifications, good old-fashioned food, and targeted nutritional supplements.

The more I researched about the pharmaceutical industry, the less I liked what I saw – massive conflicts of interest between food and drug manufacturers, doctors, researchers and even government bodies.

And, yes, there are certainly conflicts of interest and mis-information campaigns in the natural health industry, too – which is why I aim to present the most up-to-date and accurate research  in my books and website.

I continued to study natural therapies, and had the privilege of working with some of the finest Chinese and Ayurvedic practitioners – I left no stones unturned in my quest to find the best possible solutions for good health.

After now working with thousands of clients over so many years in successful clinical practice, I can assure you that you can overcome your digestive health issues – without drugs.

I am dedicated to helping you overcome your challenges with digestive-related issues. I am dedicated to providing you with information that can make a substantial and life-changing difference in your health. I aim to provide you with the latest, best, most accurate information that can make the biggest impact on your health. In my books, I share scientifically sound, well-researched secrets that few doctors know. I hope to prove that there are alternatives to suffering with the symptoms of digestive related illness, and there are alternatives to drugs. You do have a choice. If you are willing to take the first steps to wellness, I am committed to helping you improve your health.

Hemorrhoids Saviour is the guide every gut owner should have been born with – it covers everything you’ll ever need to know about hemorrhoids, what causes them and how to treat them – naturally.

After so many years of working in surgeon’s clinics, and then studying natural alternatives for hemorrhoids, I came to realise that:

1. Thousands suffer needlessly, when a few simple remedies could easily end their misery.

2. Thousands waste money needlessly, buying expensive medications that don’t cure the problem, address the root cause, or prevent future occurrences. Many drugs and creams can create side-effects and even more expense and discomfort.

3. Thousands undergo surgery needlessly, surrendering to the scalpel when, in so many cases, a simple at-home cure, plus a few easy preventative measures, could save them the risk and pain of an operation – which, in many cases, is not a guarantee they will not return. (Why? Because surgery doesn’t cure the cause)

If I told you how many patients in the clinics where  I worked still had severe problems after surgery and how many had multiple operations, you probably wouldn’t believe it. In my experience, most surgeons don’t tell you this. Surgery does not always heal properly – then what? Another operation? More creams and drugs? And they don’t always tell you about the recovery time and associated pain – if anyone tries to tell you it’s a painless operation and you’ll be back at work in two or three days, you’ll be extremely lucky. Be prepared – it can be an exceptionally painful procedure, for a prolonged period of time. And if you are unfortunate enough to have any complications, you will almost certainly wish you had tried my easy treatment program first.

You might be wondering what’s wrong with over-the-counter or prescription hemorrhoid preparations? Many contain ingredients such as corticosteroids, vasoconstrictors, antiseptics, aesthetics and analgesics. Then there’s petrolatum, mineral oil, shark liver oil … What do these chemicals do? To give you some idea, vasoconstrictors can cause an increase in blood pressure – did you know that you should seek medical advice before using any of these if you suffer from heart disease, diabetes, thyroid conditions or hypertension (and if I told you how many people are suffering from these conditions without even knowing it, you would be shocked – you could be, too).

Use of cortisone creams can cause permanent atrophy (thinning) of the skin. It is irreversible. This can make the skin around the backside itchy, but because it is thin and delicate, even slight scratching can cause tearing. Even if the hemorrhoids/piles disappear, you can be left with permanently thin and hyper-sensitive skin. If your hemorrhoids don’t go, this thinning of the skin will only add to your misery. I’ve seen it happen more often than you would want to know. I’m sure you’ve heard the other concerns about the use of cortisone treatments – especially if used longer than short term. With some creams, the more you use them, the less effective they become, until they have virtually no effect at all.

On many hemorrhoid medications, you will find warnings not to use them for longer than seven days. Problem is, when you stop using them, the swelling often return. Then what? (And why is it that you cannot use them for more than a week? What will happen if you do?) Not to mention the allergic reactions to some of these drugs. How would you know whether a cream will give you a rash around your backside? You won’t – until you get it. Then you have another problem and even more discomfort in a place where you could most do without it. Many treatments cannot be used with bleeding hemorrhoids – how do you treat these? What if you have both types?

Even if your hemorrhoids don’t require surgery and you are able to “manage” them with creams and suppositories, do you really want to do that unpleasant job for the rest of your life?

So, why take unnecessary risks and put up with the nastiness of it all when there are easy and inexpensive alternatives?

And why treat only the symptoms when you can also treat the cause – and actually eliminate the problem from your life? Do you really want the worry of wondering when the next attack will occur? Hemorrhoids can worsen with age – why wait? Even if you have only a mild case, treating them now is always bette than waiting til they’re worse. Advanced hemorrhoids can be successfully treated with my treatment program – it’s been used by people in their seventies and eighties with stage 3 and 4 hemorrhoids – but starting before they worsen will always bring quicker results.

Hemorrhoids are a desperate message from your body telling you something is wrong inside. When a warning light flashes on your car, do you ignore it? Generally not, because you know there could be a more serious problem ahead if you don’t attend to it quickly. Hemorrhoids are a warning light – they’re your body’s way of telling you that all is not right, and help is required.

You should not ignore this warning, especially when it is so easy to treat the problem.

Did you know hemorrhoids can be a sign of a serious disorder with another of the body’s major organs – and it can be easily treated.

Did you know one of the main symptoms of hemorrhoids can also cause cardiac stress, even if you have no previous heart problems?

A Nobel prize winner says one of the causes of hemorrhoids is also one of the major causes of ageing and many other illnesses.

For all these reasons, I became disillusioned with the medically-based mainstream ways of treating this problem. None of them seemed to address the actual causes. I hate to say it, as I have the greatest respect for the surgeons  for whom I have worked, but so many medical professionals seem more interested in writing prescriptions and getting out their knives than offering preventative advice or non-drug alternatives.

I never met a doctor who told a hemorrhoid sufferer that they could be increasing their risk of a life-threatening heart disorder, by failing to address one of the most common symptoms and causes of hemorrhoids. Yet this threat is very real.

A leading physician says death is “not rare” when referring to one of the disorders associated with hemorrhoids. You would probably never imagine you could die from this – But you can easily avoid it.

Millions of people around the globe suffer from hemorrhoids.

However, from my own clinic, I cannot possibly help the number of people who need my advice. Not everyone can afford consultations with a nutritionist or natural health specialist – and there are very few who specialise in the natural treatment of such disorders.

And it’s not easy to find the answers by yourself. Although there are ample articles about hemorrhoids, it’s often difficult to know fact from fiction. I spend half my time in my practice disseminating internet mis-information. (I’m often horrified by the inaccuracies on the net.)

Hemorrhoids Saviour is my way of putting the best information in the hands of as many people as possible – and in the hands of the people who need it the most.

Hemorrhoids Saviour is the result of decades of research and first-hand clinical experience.

Fully-illustrated, over 150 pages of easy-to-read information.

Lifetime updates – access to all new research & recommendations.

Download as a PDF and read on-screen, or print for easy reference.

Hemorrhoids Saviour is your personal digestive health specialist at your fingertips – 24/7

Because of the comprehensive nature of the advice I offer, there is obviously a limit to the number of emails I can answer each day.

I will not be able to offer this level of guidance at no extra cost forever and it’s important to me to answer each email personally.

Order now to avoid disappointment.

© 2018 Hemorrhoids Saviour. All Rights Reserved.

Click here to get Hemorrhoids Saviour | Cure Hemorrhoids Fast & Forever at discounted price while it’s still available…

All orders are protected by SSL encryption – the highest industry standard for online security from trusted vendors. Hemorrhoids Saviour | Cure Hemorrhoids Fast & Forever is backed with a 60 Day No Questions Asked Money Back Guarantee. If within the first 60 days of receipt you are not satisfied with Wake Up Lean™, you can request a refund by sending an email to the address given inside the product and we will immediately refund your entire purchase price, with no questions asked.