#in this house we suffer like Phos

[crystalcavernartwork]

Inktober Day Six: Hibiscus

Houseki no Hanatober

[hijack711]

CHAPTER 4:

Tag(s): fluff, story building, daily life, wholesome moments

Another new day came, and the rays of sunlight gradually crept into every corner they could. Even though he wasn't bothered by the alarm, Rehn still woke up relatively early, stretched his arms to pick up the phone, and the time displayed was 05:50. Rehn himself was surprised by this. Looking to the side, Rehn smiled and stroked the hair of the girl he loved. Her lips were somewhat pursed for sleeping sideways, making Rehn always feel like she was a little child. Getting out of bed, Rehn pulled the blanket over Rosé before heading to the kitchen to conduct his morning ritual.

All 6 members of Unity loved the scent and bitter taste of coffee, and 3 of them had a certain level of passion for this drink, so on the long marble kitchen countertop placed several tools and machines for coffee making such as a moka pot, an espresso machine, a manual espresso maker, and Rehn's personal favorite, the phin filter, his homeland signature coffee brewing tool.

Rehn put the coffee in the filter and poured in a little bit of boiling water just enough for the coffee to bloom, expand, and set, then added another round of it. Feeling craving for a breakfast dish with eggs, Rehn decided to make scrambled eggs, served with tater tots made from last night's grated potatoes.

It was 6:50 a.m., and Rehn heard something coming from upstairs, where the door to the room at the end of the hallway opened and closed. Rehn immediately knew that Rosé was awake. Walking towards her boyfriend, Rosé instantly hugged him.

“Jesus Christ, don't bite me! Go over there and clean your mouth, babe.” - Rehn

“Okayyyy.” - Rosé dragged her feet lazily toward the sink

“I wonder what dish you would like to eat?” - Rehn

“A bowl of pho with a glass of iced milk coffee, honey.” - Rosé

“Sorry, babe. Remember? Drink less caffeinated drinks, babe, or I can make you a glass of fruit punch.” - Rehn

“Oh okay.” - Rosé

While waiting for her boyfriend to make breakfast, Rosé kept staring at Rehn with her eyes half open while sitting at the kitchen island.

“Don't stare at me like that, I can't concentrate, hahaha.” - Rehn burst out laughing when he heard Rosé said

“How did you know that? Oh, and the last few times too.” - Rosé

“Rosie, babe, it's been two months since we went on a date night, guess where I'll take you to eat tonight.” - Rehn

“Hmmm, is it the bulgogi restaurant where we took your parents to?” - Rosé

“Okay, it's decided, thank you.” - Rehn

“Huhhh? What was that? Confused unga.” - Rosé

“Learning from my own experience every time I ask you where to eat, I finally came to a conclusion that I'll just let you decide, it'll be quicker.” - Rehn

…

…

…

About an hour later, Ivy and Damian arrived at the kitchen area.

“Seriously, do you intend to live here rent-free?” - Ivy

“You've only been here three days but you've almost demolished all the food in our refrigerator, Chaeyoung noona. Every damn time we suffer from food shortages, it is mainly because of you.” - Damian

“Why is everyone in this house so mean to me? Okay, if that's the case then I'll call your parents so they can lecture you again, honey." - Rosé

“Da fuq? They called you that and now I'm at fault. What in the f*cking logic is this?” - Rehn

“That's because you're the leader of the group and also considered the head of the family, so you better be prepared for your parents to give you another whoop in your pretty bum, honey. By the way, I do like your butt.” - Rosé winked

“Eww, gross, go show your feelings elsewhere, go back to your room.” - Ivy and Damian

A few minutes passed, and the four people's conversation gradually became more lively. Due to the loudness of the conversation, and the volume of the chat still showed no signs of decreasing, it woke up the remaining three members of Unity and they undeniably displayed signs of dissatisfaction.

“Why is it so noisy? I was having a great sleep!” - Sirene

“Oh, you're not leaving yet, unnie, why are you here for so long?” - Yuki

“Watch your mouth, you little shit … There, your coffee.” - Ivy

“Thank you.”- Baekgi

“So, what have you been talking about just now? I vaguely heard you guys say something about food.” - Sirene

“Well, I was going to invite my girls to come here for a feast or we could go to a restaurant this weekend, it's been a while since our two groups went out together.” - Rosé

“So noona, what are we going to eat?” - Baekgi

“It could be seafood or grilled food, I'm still wondering which one to choose.” - Rosé

“Or we can go eat yakitori, I know a place.” - Rehn

“Ah, I remember that restaurant.” - Ivy

“By the way, unnie, how was the checkup?” - Yuki

“It was good, the doctor just told me to pay attention to my diet and get more rest.” - Rosé

While Rosé was chatting with the four members of Unity, Rehn stood at the side and smiled, watching his girlfriend have fun and relaxing moments after a long period of tiring work, which was nothing good for Rosé's health, especially for her current physical and mental condition. Noticing that her younger brother was dumbfounded looking at someone she knew, Ivy nudged his shoulder slightly, she smiled proudly at Rehn.

“It was a bit risky, little brother, but you managed to pull it off, such a man you are.” - Ivy

“I just did everything I could, we didn't even plan for it, even if we did it would have been much later in our lives. Thank you for backing me up, sis!” - Rehn

“When you told me the news, I was so worried, but then I remembered that you spent most of your childhood in America with the guys from the hood, you even beat them at their own game, so I was relieved, glad that I was right.” - Ivy

…

…

…

It was a quarter to eleven, a black coupé was speeding towards a designated place, the car took one last turn and then drove straight into the parking lot. The suicide doors opened and stepped out of the car were Rehn and Rosé. The two then held hands and walked into the elevator to go to Rosé's apartment which she shared with Lisa. Walking up to the door, Rosé had to do what she always found a bit annoying which was unlock it and it had two layers of security.

“Lisa, I brought food home.” - Rosé

“Oh, you're back. Ah, oppa, hiiii. You go girl, you have a boyfriend so there is no need to care about your sisters, right? Well, it is obvious when you are in love. Back then, she always said "Single life is so fun, it's just the four of us.", but now she mercilessly pushes us aside." - Lisa

“Honey, let's go, leave her be.” - Rosé

“No no no, I'm sorry, it was just a joke, did you have to take it the hard way.” - Lisa

“I've always been curious why you're always single but now I know, it seems like your communication skills are not on par with your dancing ones, Lisa.” - Rosé

“Ouch, sis, that's hurt. Oppa, did you hear what your girlfriend said? Being in a relationship with oppa, your sarcasm is getting better and better.” - Lisa

“Okay, stop teasing each other. No offense, Lily, you are good with your words, you have a sexy brain and a great sense of humor, but you often carry your jokes too far. You have your own beauty, Lily, just continue to nurture your beauty and improve what needs to be improved.” - Rehn

Because Rehn was in the kitchen and was busy arranging the food containers neatly, he didn't know that Lisa's eyes were wide open and surprised by what he said.

“Ah… uhmm… thank you oppa.” - Lisa shyly answered with a blush on her cheeks

“Awww, Hank, sweetie, are you doing good with Aunty Lisa? Come to mommy.” - Rosé

Upon hearing noises in his territory, Hank woke up and had a look around the apartment. Hank heard his mother call his name but decided to do a feint and rushed towards his dad.

“What the???” - Rosé

“Hahahaha, kekeke.” - Lisa and Rehn burst out laughing at the expression on Rosé's face

“Hank, you love your daddy more than me?” - Rosé was in disbelief

Suddenly the doorbell rang, attracting everyone's attention. Looking at the indoor monitor screen, Rosé saw that it was Jisoo so she quickly opened the door for her sister.

“Hi unnie.” - Rosé

“Oh, you're back, I thought you were still at oppa's place.” Jisoo

“Oh oppa, hiiiii, do you need any help?” Jisoo was in a great mood today and it was even better when she saw the jokester of Unity.

“Hi Chichi, ah, thank you but I'm okay. We brought you girls’ favorite dishes.” - Rehn

“Thanks, oppa!” - Jisoo

“Well, that's a bummer.” - Lisa

“What is it?” - Rosé

“Jennie just finished her pottery class but couldn't find a cab due to the traffic jam.” - Lisa

“Was it the pottery class you girls told us when our two groups went to the pizza place near it?” - Rehn

“Yeah yeah, that’s the one, oppa.” Lisa

“Honey, can you go pick her up? How long will it take, 20 minutes?” Rosé

“Are you underestimating my driving skills, you amateur?” - Rehn asked in a playful tone while doing the pointing pose of Jotaro

“Pfftttt, hahaha, what the heck, oppa?” The girls laughed

“Hahaha, stop fooling around, you comedian.” - Rosé

“Okay, I’ll be right back.” - Rehn

…

…

…

Standing on the sidewalk watching countless vehicles jostling and competing to move forward, Jennie felt unlucky to have chosen today to go to the pottery class. KakaoTalk's notification bell rang, it was a message from Rosé telling Jennie that Rehn was on his way to pick her up. The displayed time showed that Rosé's message was sent 10 minutes ago. Before Jennie could reply, she heard someone calling.

“Yen-ah. Hop in.” - Rehn

Jennie did not respond but just smiled exposing her mandu cheeks and hopped in the car.

“Pfftt, heeheehee, oppa, what’s up with your hair? It's a mess.” - Jennie

“Well, apparently, Jisoo can handle the spiciness better than my jokes, and because of that, she gave me one hell of a smash.” - Rehn

“Hahahaha, wait, she “smashed” you?” - Jennie teasingly asked

“Yeah, ……, wait, no, not that kind of smash.” - Rehn tried to save his life after realizing what he just said

“Ohhh, someone doesn’t think before they talk, yet you dared to tell me to mind my words, hmmm.” - Jennie

“Ok, thanks for reminding me, and let me clarify, Jisoo only gave me a few blows to the head.” - Rehn

“Huhh? She gave you head? Hahahaha.” - Jennie

“Wait, fuck, NO, Kim fucking Jennie, you seem to love wordplay, huh? What got into you today?” - Rehn

“Hahahaha.” - Jennie

Rehn couldn’t help but laugh with Jennie at his own mistakes. The jokester was in disbelief that Jennie had given him a taste of his own medicine. Rehn wasn’t even mad but joyful at Jennie’s friendly retaliation, he was relieved that Jennie was back to her happy self after all the drama.

“You dare use my own spells against me, Potter?” Rehn

“Hahaha, and also, oppa, I know you have a good sense of fashion but THESE?!!” - Jennie

“You are specialized in roasted foods, right, because you are doing a very good job at roasting me.” - Rehn

I was kinda out of words to describe the sound of Jennie’s laugh at this point so the best I could come up with was Jennie laughed out loud and then wheezed as she started to slide out of her seat.

“Whoa whoa whoa, girl, get a hold of yourself.” - Rehn

“One thing for sure is you’re starting to adopt some of mine antics.” - Rehn

“I think I’m kinda becoming more like you, oppa.” - Jennie smilingly said

“Yeah, you’re becoming more like me.” - Rehn

The laughter of the two was gradually replaced by a pause of silence as Rehn needed to concentrate to weave through the traffic. Noticing that they were no longer caught in a traffic jam, Jennie asked.

“Oppa, are you free tonight?” - Jennie

“Oh, sorry Yen, Imma take Rosé out for a date tonight.” - Rehn

“Oh, you don’t have to be sorry, oppa. It’s just that our group is about to get back to work so I was kinda hoping to hang out with you … anddd your group.” - Jennie breathed a sigh of relief

“Well, no need to worry about that, we still have many opportunities, you just need to set the date.” - Rehn assured her

“Okay, oppa.” - Jennie

…

…

…

Returning to the apartment she shared with Jisoo, Jennie left her belongings there and accompanied Rehn to the apartment of Lisa and Rosé which was right next to theirs.

"Hi, Girls." - Jennie

"Wow, that was fast, oppa." - Lisa

"Next time, when we need to order deliver, I'll call you, oppa" Jisoo

"Then I'll make sure to charge you triple." Rehn

“Honey, come, have some lunch. Jennie unnie, here’s the plate, come on, dig in, oppa made a lot. ” - Rosé

After the lunch ended, Lisa and Jisoo went to the room leaving a poor Jennie to clean the table while Rosé and Rehn had to wash the dishes. Jennie looked towards the two of them and then shifted her eyes to Rehn.

"Wish I could have more opportunities like you said, oppa." - Jennie thought to herself

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[steamishot]

slow sunday

it's a slow and mostly solo weekend for me, and i'm savoring it because traveling/plans will be hectic in the weeks to come. matt is on the ED surge and it's been really rough for him to deal with delivering bad news to families as the cases are much more acute and patients aren't in the best state. it looks to be another 90-100 hour work week.

yesterday, after i got home from a massage/facial hangout with T, i facetimed my mom who told me there were 5 police cars in front of our neighbors house and the police had some questions for my mom too. she lived alone and wasn't answering her phone, so her nurse called the police to check in. once that happens, you already know it's not good news. she was our (mostly grumpy) neighbor for the last 30+ years. i haven't talked to her much at all besides the occasional hello. however, last month when i was home, the internet was down for our whole block. she yelled across the street "DAAAVID!!" until she got my dad's attention. my dad offered me to help her with some technical issues (setting up a prepaid phone she purchased from QVC).

i almost didn't want to go but i'm glad i got to help and had one last memory of her. her health was already quite declined. she was pretty emotional and had referenced multiple times that she grew up in NYC and wants to be buried there. i helped set up her phone so that she can call her sister, and my dad let her use his phone to facetime/see her sister (since she didn't have any apple products). i brought her fire tablet back home to charge but unfortunately no one knew her passcode so i couldn't get in. she was really grateful for our help and provided us green mangos from her backyard as a thank you.

the news of her passing made me quite sad, even though i'm not close to her and was not in the vicinity when it happened. when matt came home yesterday, he told me about his day and his patients who are suffering from stage 4 cancer etc, how the dying patient was more concerned about how much his medical cost will burden his family, and i told him about my neighbor. my neighbor's passing gave me some perspective of what he deals with. it really sucks that healthcare professionals have to witness so much, and they don't even have the time to decompress. see something traumatic? get up and go to work the next day.

other news:

i had invited TL to join matt and i to watch a comedy show this past friday, but due to this week being so demanding, i asked L to take his place. it was nice to see her again!

T & I had a massage and facial in chinatown. it was the most no frills place i've been to and had multiple signs about no hanky panky and no sex

my brother finally will start his new job tomorrow. he got a job in data science working with the county and will have a hybrid schedule. he's gone 8 months being unemployed. when i asked him if he's excited, he responded with "meh"

matt will fly out to his redlands interview on tuesday and will fly back friday. it'll be my first time fully being alone for 3 days! at first, i found this to be daunting but i'm looking forward to it now. i scheduled a virtual zoom with M&J and ordered pho for myself that i won't have to share!

been checking out lots of books from the brooklyn library - finally utilizing this

my interest in eating out in nyc has decreased to like 10%. we've done a pretty good job recently at eating out way less often than we used to. we'd only do delivery/takeout when we have 50% off uber eat coupons

we've also been eating healthier (incorporating fresh greens and cherry tomatoes) and less red meat

[thealexchen]

i’ve actually read both of the articles that you mentioned earlier! I could see where both of them were coming from at varying points, though shannon liao’s struck me as a tad harsh, as someone who felt very seen by Alex, particularly with regard to her asian-american identity, and the cultural details and familial attitudes you see displayed throughout the game (especially in episode 5.) I could see why others would like them to be more overt, but they’re still present & relevant as is, imo.

I'm happy you read and enjoyed them! Well, since we’re on the subject, I might as well give my fuller thoughts about all this. This answer got horrendously long, so I'm putting it under a read more. I really wanted to talk about this more fully, so thank you for sending this ask!

I definitely see Robert's point in his article. Alex didn’t need to be Asian for the story of True Colors to be told, but it’s still meaningful that she is so that Asian fans and fans of color can look up to her and feel represented. The Chens buck a lot of stereotypes too: Mrs. Chen was not a “tiger mom” and her kids and husband remember her fondly. Mr. Chen doesn’t push Alex and Gabe to excel in school, and in fact neither Alex nor Gabe went to college, but they still had happy futures. Alex isn’t the best friend or the Asian schoolgirl or the dragon lady or the Asian nerd. But at the same time, when Robert says "Alex never really talks about her thoughts on Chinese culture,” that’s like— well, what’s wrong with talking about it? Why not talk about it more explicitly? The words “Asian” and “Chinese” and “Vietnamese” aren’t even used in the game when "gay" and "lesbian" were, and that's a little disappointing.

I figured people would figure out Alex was at least Chinese because of her last name, but I saw some streamers unsure of what Alex’s ethnicity even was (“Alex is… Chinese, right?”). That was disappointing because Asians tend to be treated as a monolith when we’re so internally diverse. Also, it’s completely possible to miss that Alex and Gabe are also half-Vietnamese. Their mother’s name is Giang “Wendy” Chen, a Vietnamese name, but that’s only in the credits. There’s far less Vietnamese (and Southeast Asian) rep than Chinese, so I wish that had been made more explicit.

In Life is Strange 2, Sean and Daniel’s struggles (personal and institutional) were centered around their identity as half-Mexican boys. True Colors almost seemed to be going in the opposite direction in that Alex’s Asian heritage never really becomes plot-relevant, but Alex and Gabe’s background comes into focus in the last chapter.

Part of Shannon’s critique was that because Alex’s parents aren’t in the picture, the game can’t explore Asian culture through a familial lens. There is some truth to that: for children of immigrants in particular, their parents are their strongest (and sometimes only) link to their race and culture. I thought a big missed opportunity was exploring Alex’s possible sense of isolation and struggle to reconnect with her Asian heritage after being separated from her family.

After growing up with two Asian parents, eating Asian food, celebrating Asian holidays, likely speaking Asian languages, etc. it would have likely been disorienting and lonely for Alex to suddenly be raised by non-Asian foster parents and lose all those traditions all at once. Possible comments like “I really miss Mom’s pho” or “Do you know how difficult it is to find hoisin sauce in the stores around here?” could have inferred more at that specific kind of loss and isolation in Haven Springs. The game touches upon this very briefly when you look at Gabe’s shrine, and Alex does comment “I don’t even know if I’m doing this right… but I felt like I had to do something.” In this way, I find it especially poignant that she still held onto cultural traditions after so long.

But I still thought Shannon’s critique was overly harsh. The little details really do add up, like in Alex’s childhood home, and meant a lot to me too. And most importantly, there was representation behind the scenes too: Alex was voiced by two(!) Asian American women and the lead writer, Felice Kuan, is Chinese. I think Alex naming her mouse Shu-shu was my favorite detail. Because it’s the one detail you can’t miss. Every streamer remembers Shu-Shu’s name and loves how cute she is and they can probably infer it’s a Chinese term. It just is so visible and empowering in that way and my heart felt warm every time I heard someone say “Aw! Shu-shu!"

But that doesn't mean Alex's Asian heritage didn't matter at all. I really appreciated that Alex's backstory still mattered because she came from a poor, working-class immigrant family. Her life circumstances were used for drama, but none of Alex's suffering was racially motivated and that felt tastefully done. I’m gonna paraphrase a comment I saw on alliebeemac’s playthrough of episode 5: "It's no coincidence that both Alex and Ryan lost their mothers at a young age, but because Ryan's father was a military veteran and had a high-paying job as a Typhon foreman, he got to keep his childhood whereas Alex's entire world was torn apart... And if you want to look at it even more metaphorically, the white patriarch Jed was able to preserve his own image as a hero and 'good old boy' of Haven by literally sacrificing an immigrant family to the mines with the expectation that nobody would come looking for them. Whether you're an immigrant or whether you're a foster child, the system is saying 'we don't care about you.'"

And at the end, Alex tells Jed, "You want to look away and pretend the men you hurt weren't people. But I won't let you.” It's a deliberate stand against Jed (a white man)’s dehumanization of poor laborers, including her Chinese immigrant father. Jed isn't explicitly portrayed as a racist, but his actions come from a privileged, and subsequently racist and classist place. For me, it worked better than LiS2's portrayal of racism because it was subtler and more personal. Alex stands up against Jed out of a personal sense of justice for her brother (and her father).

Do I wish we had more? Yeah, absolutely. I wish Alex got to actually speak Mandarin or Vietnamese in the game because that's so rare in games, even though I knew that would be unrealistic because Erika Mori is Japanese. I wish the character artists had at least made a version of Alex and Gabe’s models without shoes, because it just didn’t look right to see them wear shoes in the house (especially in bed??) and even LiS2 had Sean and Daniel in their socks in some scenes. I wish Alex and Gabe talked more about their family while Gabe was still alive and Alex could have had that comfort of someone who misses the food and customs they used to celebrate. But like I said, one piece of media isn’t gonna please everyone. And Asian representation in particular is so tricky because not only is there not enough of it, but Asian Americans are so diverse and come from so many different backgrounds. Children of immigrants are going to feel more connected to their Asian heritage than third or fourth gen kids or mixed race kids for example. Everyone is going to have a different definition of “Asian culture” and “accurate representation.”

But on a meta-level, it really means so much to simply have an Asian face on the box of a major Western game ❤️ Like even just seeing the way Alex's eyes crinkle when she smiles or how other characters find her attractive (like Steph’s note during the LARP preferring Alex’s natural black hair), it feels so affirming. It’s incredible to see an Asian girl be called the hero of her own story, to see her succeed and fail and cry and laugh and fall in love and kiss another woman and be comfortable in her bisexuality. It acknowledges that the queer community includes Asians, that Asian girls can also be curvy, that Asian girls can and do struggle with mental health. And like Erika Mori said, Alex is a fully-realized character and that’s what makes her so compelling, first and foremost. She also has a strong moral compass and dreams and fears and is such an incredible role model for people of all backgrounds, and that’s what makes her identity as a queer woman of color so much more meaningful.

[derrida-simp]

Tagged by @howblunt thank you so much I didnt see your tag for so fucking long its embarrassing but I'm doing it now :3

Three Ships: hmmm longterm fave of mine was yashaand beau from critical role, jotaro & kakyoin jjba is always a win, uh Idk anyone else... them gay bitches from owl house ig I'm happy for owl house fans getting gay bitch rep

First Ship: oh probably 100% something from atla probably sokka and suki I thought he deserved something nice I thought she was so fucking cool

Last Song: War Pigs - Black Sabbath

Last Movie: hmmmmmmm I dont remember probably paprika tbh I dont watch films, but paprika was v fun

Currently Reading: Howard's end, just finished Sharp Objects by Gillian Flynn overall mid but easy read, kinda underwhelming end 6.5/10 cuz Flynn's writing style is spectacular

Currently Watching: still have half of the Mandalorian left, plus critical role and adventure zone to finish up (granted that's more 'listening' territory) oh and finish wandavision, if only so I can bitch about it :p

Currently Consuming: god I've been sloppying down elderberry juice like u wouldnt believe me holy fuckjng shit

Currently Craving: God I want pho so badly.... a nice garlic beef pho could fuck me up rn. And spring rolls my god. When I go back 2 budapest that's all I'm gonna eat

Tagging @kanine because I want u to suffer and @addcolortomysky and @itsthechocopuff hiiiiii we havent talked in a while 🥰 >:3c

[cloveroctobers]

(A/n: this might be a little biased since I’m in love with this man & I’m basing the relationship parts of this on my mc/myself so hope y’all don’t mind 😬)

IG info/bio: @/lucas.koh | 93.1k followers | for business inquires please visit: kohptr.com

LUCAS KOH —

27 (28) years old

From Oxford, England

Father is Korean & a car salesman at a Nissan dealership, he’s a strict/serious man who has high morals but beyond that he can actually be a softie in rare moments (+ that’s who Lucas gets his height from 🤤)

Mother is actually Chinese but lived in Korea studying abroad and eventually became a successful chiropractor (s/o to doctor mondragon on YouTube who I watch to help me sleep some nights and wish I could see! Lol) with her own practice. She’s a firecracker, intelligent, and quick to say what’s on her mind and doesn’t care if you like what she’s got to say. Most patients like that about her, she’s honest and her family is used to her ways but in the same way it’s more loving than offensive? (Smol woman but will remind you when she’s cracking your body she’s got enough power in her)

Either he’s a only child or he comes from a family of all boys with two younger brothers (they’re all in their 20’s) or he has one younger brother and one younger sister idk you decide

I’m feeling like he’s a Sagittarius? Carefree in the terms of he wasn’t viewing finally getting with MC when she’s dating someone else as cheating. Mans was READY to risk it all for me okay and I was down for it but ofc I had to react realistically and NOT “cheat.” *sigh* one part of me was debating ‘are we really dating tho bobby? We’re on reality tv. We’re not gonna die without each other if we hang out in seperate rooms’ *cough* Nope. but I’m a woman about her loyalty

He’s definitely adventurous. I don’t see him as the type to want to stay home all the time even tho his work definitely keeps him busy/exhausted. He’s down for road trips 💯

Occupation? Physicotherapist. His mother inspired him to get into the field and watching sports + the way players got their injuries always intrigued him? So to provide the best plan to have someone heal was something he loved to do plus being hands on while teaching/helping was a passion for him + I feel like he would also use a massaging technique instead of the usual exercise part of it

Now as someone who suffered a ACL & Mensicus tear & is STILL dealing with this BS pain years later, I would be so thankful to have him around! I feel like he’d have a optimistic attitude towards his patients and that’s what people need not someone that’s insensitive (like my surgeon/PT’s I had)

He models from time to time, when he was first approached about it he was upfront about not wanting to do it. It was much different than getting your picture taken for the office. That’s usually quick, the whole modeling process felt longer but somehow he was talked into it by his brother who’s a photographer and his mother. “Do you think you’re ugly? ‘Cause I’m not and you’re a part of me, so therefore there’s no such thing. Just look at your cheekbones, your jawline! I gave you those. The only good thing your father gave you was height.” Which filled the house with snickers while Lucas’ father just rolled his eyes and continued reading his newspaper for breakfast

Has a motorcycle and some luxurious car—not a Tesla those are basic now 🤷🏽‍♀️

Loves his motorcycle so much he’s got a tat of it on his right bicep

He has two available parking spaces in his parking garage at his penthouse but keeps his bike away in a storage unit due to a neighbor scratching it after his girlfriend broke up with him? Saying she was off to date Lucas? But that wasn’t true at all. He barely knew the girl, they didn’t live on the same floor. People were crazy but if you push him his temper might come out

Owns a leather jacket that he paid a lot for

Believes in “treat yo self” if it means in quality when shopping and has no issue being a big spender but he knows how to manage it well (his father told him all about how his own father dealt with bankruptcy)

Since he’s often at the office the whole day, he’s usually a night owl. He loves night drives and night dining. That’s usually when he finds the best places to eat

There’s this one pho spot that he loves and it’s his go to spot when he wants something quick on the way home

Cannot sleep with his entire body covered in covers, either his arms/shoulders have to be out or his legs, which would be a issue for me/mc since I sleep with the covers over my entire body...yes even in hot weather with the AC cranked up😂

He also makes great kimchi fried rice & loves Italian food

Will wine and dine. I believe it. I envision it! He loves going out on dates with his significant other (If he’s single and not with me, I think he’d try out speed dating)

Will dress to impress, will buy you a new fit he wants to see you/us/mc in especially if it’s your anniversary

Loves taking bubble bath’s with infused oils or flower petals with significant other

He’s the type that takes long showers & it brings him a true sense of freedom. He’s never able to take a quick shower, he gets lost in his ideas of what to do next in this world & it’s limitless

If he’s in for the day, which usually doesn’t last long—he’s either in sweats or in a robe all day

Only drives his bike on the weekend or if he’s going out of town but if he’s going on a trip for a couple of days with MC & if she’s got a bit of anxiety like me? He’ll stick to his car to make them comfortable

I feel like he enjoys the winter season. Maybe if it’s a slushy rainy winter more than a blizzards/snowy season. He loves bundling up, much to people’s surprise. He’s more than just his good looks and body love island fans!!!

Doesn’t post much on his socials. If you need to see what he’s about then you should do so in person or already know who he is. The internet can’t tell you much, in his opinion

Keeps himself in good health, I mean duh what kind of PT would he be 😉 goes on night jogs with reflector clothes on & occasionally morning jogs & at home workouts

Probably will date someone younger than him. Not by much, I don’t think he can take immaturity well. (That maybe how he views it) The most is 4 years younger than him

Henrik is his best bud from the show. They hang out all the time, crash at each other’s places, and vacation together all the time. They will be each other’s future best men forsure

Doesn’t go out of his way to talk to the rest of the guys from the show but if he happens to browse his feed and sees something he wants to comment on then he’ll carry a conversation of course

Far as the girls? He talks to Hannah & Priya from time to time. He also follows Hope and they like each other’s posts but not much communication is there either?

Either has a mint or black phone case, probably a Samsung galaxy user

Likes pistachio frozen yogurt but he’s lactose & doesn’t want to believe it :(

Smokes cigars when he’s out with his boys

Has a tight knit group of friends, majority of them are from the medical field since they all went to uni together + most of them are also married so the pressure is so on

*He’s the oldest out of his sibs so according to his parents he’s expected to be married first yet his baby sis is engaged and she’s 23*

wants a family...eventually. Probably will happen in his early thirties? The max for children is 2 for him. He knows they can be a HANDFUL due to his own friends who have kids + he’s a godfather and he’s babysat before so he knows how it goes!

enjoys his freedom as stated which further proves he’s a sag lol

Enjoys going to saunas to cleanse his pores/ get rid of toxins. It’s the easiest way for him to do so even tho his brother clowns him for it

His love language is deff physical touch. He loves hugs and resting his chin on top of your head, forehead to forehead, his nose pressed in between the space of your neck and shoulder, gentle squeezes, sitting next to each other with your legs touching, cuddling, sleeping on top of you or you on him, etc

He loves kissing. It’s automatic for him and it can also easily rile him up

Has strong opinions & will show them but will feel like he’s being attacked if it brings on a confrontation/argument

Will forgive and forget

Plays strategy board games

Makes his own natural healing creams & gives samples to his patients depending on their needs

His fav colors are: blue, white, & grey

Will grow a bit of facial hair in the cooler months if it’ll make mc happy (I’m a sucker for facial hair but hate it on myself lmao) but if he dislikes the feeling on his face he will shave and finds he likes a shaven face better, the facial hair makes him look a bit older—which is okay but that’s just his preference

When he stops putting gel in his hair/styling his hair in a quiff hairstyle it shocks fans with mc commenting on one of his pics, “you’re welcome x”

Likes going to the Hard Rock Cafe on causal weekends

also likes getting freaky in public, down for whatever 🤪

He’s a traveler so if he leaves the UK, I’m seeing him land in Toronto, Canada first and falling in love with it. I feel he would vibe well with the culture there, might even consider getting a vacation home in that location

Celeb crushes? Anne Hathaway, Beyoncé, Lupita Nyong'o, Anna Diop, Imaan Hammam, Jodie Comer, Megan Fox, Shay Mitchell, & Cassie Ventura Fine

Oh Lucas. I feel like we have similar tastes? Somewhat. He probably listens to more rock than I do? Maybe 80s rock moreso? & He listens to: WALK THE MOON, Allen Stone (his fav) , Emily king, Gavin Turek, Melanie Fiona, THEY., DPR live, & Sik-k

Anthem = Young the Giant, “Something to believe in”

[rustandyearnings]

How This Ends

Loan Tran

Two weeks into quarantine I read an article in The Atlantic titled, “How the Pandemic Will End.” It still felt wildly early to make any predictions about the future and the course of the virus. It has been now over a year that I have been trying to write a response to what I read, not because of any substantial disagreement but I foresaw then what I know now to be true, that after nearly a year of pandemic life: none of this simply ends. 

There are no numbers and statistics, CDC guidelines, or even well thought out epidemiological reports that captures the depth of what it means that over 2.75 million people have died from COVID-19; over half a million of them alone in the U.S. We have witnessed a year that has made everything that was terrible before, much, much worse. And we know how we got here—especially being in the belly of the beast— we know all too well what regimes of power are capable of in their commitment to greed and profit. If you are like me or if you love people like me, you may know too that the world has come to an end many times before. What is different about this ending? If anything? 

It was mid-March. My partner and I were on our way to the beach for her birthday. During our drive, we got news that the airports were starting to shut down and we were uncertain of the rumors about the National Guard being deployed to ensure compliance with stay-at-home orders. The beach was still there, and still sweet as always. We celebrated her the way we love each other; we ate delicious food, we laughed. She made her family’s shrimp: Lee Adam’s Shrimp. Which is comical, she says, because this was the only dish he would ever cook, and he got it named after him. Meanwhile, the family functioned because of women who made everything else possible. Such is our lives. 

The Atlantic Ocean on the coast of North Carolina in mid-March is wind-swept, vast, very quiet. The sand becomes these large mountains to be trekked over before the water meets your eyeline. But once you see it, you know exactly where the ocean departs the sky. It was terribly cold. Yet, I was grateful to be by the water as our world began to shake us into conference calls and organizing meetings. Within just a few short hours of our Governor declaring lock down, we had formed the United for Survival and Beyond coalition. And knowing the year we were going to have and coming out of years of pavement pounding work, we were already exhausted. Deeper than the exhaustion is the truth that we must stick together, and we must find a way to continue on, especially now, with the cards so clear on the table: some of us will live and some of us will die. And there will be no logic to the madness.

The political work is instinctual to me; it makes sense in any crisis to bring together as many people as possible to understand a situation and to then take action. But the political work is also sometimes slow moving, even when we are all speeding and incredibly busy. So, I did other work that I felt, by my own standards, was more tangible. Like organizing a group chat of the queers I know who need medication on a regular basis. Or joining the local Mutual Aid Groups (and then promptly leaving all of the groups, which was simply a matter of exiting the Signal threads). Making a phone tree that was unreasonably the size of a phone book itself was an early action, too. And of course, cooking. There have been gallons upon gallons of pho. And gumbo. And at least 1,000 meatballs. Anything to attempt at satiating what I knew would become a growing hunger inside of me for a normalcy that still has not yet returned.

Things were deteriorating quickly all around me. By March’s end, my mom and I are on hold with her retirement company. She wants to get her money out of her account before the stock market steals it all away. This economic system routinely comes tumbling down for her; and often does it too line the pockets of the already ultra-wealthy. She has earned her retirement from working at the same alterations shop for over 20 years. She is paid for the time it takes to hand sew sequins onto wedding gowns that cost more than her year’s entire salary. She makes the inseam of your boutique jeans go from 32” to 30” with you never knowing the difference. She helps make people feel good, never questioning their own frivolousness in paying someone else to replace a missing button on their jacket. Her job has treated her well. This pandemic was beginning to test it as she’s filed for unemployment, without assistance from her bosses. The alliances that had shaped her life up until this point were beginning to fall apart, as is the case for so many of us. 

It would become easier in the summer, but even then, the sweaty walks and the sitting outside in the beating sun just to eat a meal with someone who I wasn’t also sleeping with most nights began to tire me. I was unsatisfiable. I am lucky to have eaten many good meals, celebrate even more pandemic birthdays, and have extra money to keep supporting my parents’ and sister’s bills in between our socially distanced visits. Things would seem relatively calm for some weeks, when I felt like the weather wasn’t badgering on me. Which is to also say, that when things felt turbulent, it really just meant I was incredibly sad. 

As I’ve been writing this piece in my mind, mulling over—as I usually do—which details feel relevant enough to evidence in words, the world around us has danced to the precipice of something new and back again. In between it all, I have had some of the most elaborate dreams of my life, the dreams at the heart of how I wish life could be. 

I am home in Viet Nam. The sky is a dreamy pink, small stripes of orange and some residual blue as the sun sets and the moon takes over. I am sitting by the water and before me stretches a few miles of the bay. On the other side, mountains: spotted gray from granite and green from trees. I think to myself, “this is beautiful” and I take out my phone so I don’t forget what this looks like. My mom is here with me and it is quiet and perfect. Standing in line waiting to buy coffee from a street vendor, I think to myself, “wow, I get to be here,”; there are children and their parents who look my kin weaving around my stillness on the side of the road. I smile at someone I clock to be like me: a little odd, short haired, sweet looking in the face, stern and tough but kind in spirit. Then I wake up. It’s a dream. And all I know is that it’s a beautiful, perfect dream. 

While time stretched and I could dream and I could travel in my mind, buoyed by my memories, telling stories that after the 3rd or 4th re-telling feels almost untrue, time also pulled me back to reality. To the everyday where I had few answers for the big question of: what now? 

So what of time now? What is its worth? And what is worth it? I wear a watch every day still and I check my calendar still. And I still want Fridays to feel how Fridays are supposed to feel, still: they should release me. I still want to wake up slow on a Sunday, my favorite day, still. Things feel numbered and open all at once. Do I measure the worth of my life in this way or that? Do I consider tragedy to be where we start or is it having a witness to it that makes the clock run? Do I count the pints of soup I have made? What about the distance between us? There have been more cardinals than usual, but I’m really not counting. I do miss the children in the streets and the laughter beaming from their hands. Making sense of quiet and calling this place, my ever-growing city of just nearly 270,000 people, a ghost town seems a little defeatist; some days it seems just right, and some days it feels like an opening: to stop counting the time. 

There is a slowness of this period that I have come to appreciate, even as it frustrates me. The slowness to remember and reconsider and re-learn the basic unit of relating: care; to care for each other and to care for ourselves. And we are being subject to the realities of care’s absence: there are millions of people—while they toil and make our world turn, even against the heaviest measures of despair—are disregarded as undeserving of housing, of health(care), of food, of life itself. 

These systems of violence and domination continue to evolve, as showcased by this next phase of neoliberalism, with its elite colors and sloganeering. Coca-Cola racial justice investments and Nike’s you can do it to end racism and NFL’s $250,000,000 check to shut it (what, exactly?) down. Our task is more urgent than ever, yet there is still, simply this: you and I making a road where perhaps previously there was not, where perhaps previously there were, and it had been bombed or torn apart.

I am on the eve of my second pandemic birthday. And between the last time I dared contemplate how this ends and this moment now, there have been attempted coups and multiple mass shootings; there have been more vaccines distributed in the 1st world and essentially none for our sisters, brothers, and kin to the global south. Schools in my city are reopening and the people who suffer are made to blame each other.

A pandemic of this kind, through which a virus has served as the vehicle sounding the sirens of human plight, has the potential to lure us towards conclusions about the ever-deepening crises of white supremacy, patriarchy, and capitalism that will be regretful for us in the long-term. Namely, while it is true many things are outside of our control, like how a virus may mutate or transmit, there is so much more that is within our control.

We have witnessed that even in the middle of a pandemic, our people have risen up across the globe to declare that there must be another way to live. What deserves to be said again and again is that on one hand there is the science of this pandemic and the science of greed which profits on sickness; on the other is clear the science of solidarity; the science of organizing; the science of returning people back to each other; a sense of attention, a regard for care, an interest in ourselves and each other and the planet as people and places worthy of a world different than what centuries of violence and domination have conditioned and forced us toward.

At last, I do not know what the end of this pandemic means. But it seems to the hopeful, revolutionary optimist in me, that we have tried our raggedy best this year. I have appreciated more than ever our attempts at an honesty we may not have been willing to demonstrate. It seems to me that I haven’t been the only one to lie about how much I don’t know. And if you are looking for a script right now, about how to be, or how to cope, or how to regard yourself as belonging to those around you who do not look like you or speak like you or understand as you understand, I hope you’ll remember that there is no one else to make the future but us if we are to see ourselves in it.

I am embarrassed by my desperate need for things to return to normal. I am so desperate that I lay awake at night: wanting something I know I cannot have and the intelligent part of me knows that if I could have it, it would not be good for me or the people I love. The desperation is also a grief, fear, fatigue. But I also lay awake some nights taking audit of my gratitude; that beside me is my lover deep in restful sleep, that somehow in the morning our hands always find each other; and when we get out of bed, to make breakfast, or step outside: there is another day that affords me the time to learn how to be more human, and perhaps that is what this is worth. And those of us who still have it in us, and even those of us who feel that we have lost it, we must help this situation by becoming more and more human, as that is the only way I would want this to end. 

This piece is dedicated to my dear friends who have kept me this year, in particular Zaina, Mindy, Margo, and Nadeen. It is also dedicated to our beloved Elandria (E) Williams, may they continue to rest in piece and know that we are taking their mandate for us to care, seriously. It is dedicated to the best pandemic pal and partner I could have ever asked for, who has also vowed to return the favor next pandemic, Chantelle. This is dedicated to the streets, to the uprisings, to all people everywhere who believe life doesn’t have to be this way, that we are so much more—these people include city workers, educators, youth and students, organizers, healthcare workers, and more. Thanks for the example of your lives.

[lieutenantcupcake]

I never did my usual survey thing at the beginning of 2020 so I’ll never know how 2019 was. Whoops. I guess here’s the one for the last year, for posterity.

1. What did you do in 2020 that you’d never done before? Earned a graduate degree. Experience a pandemic.

2. Did you keep your new years’ resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I have no idea. I don’t think I made any. This year I wanna be more creative, but only in ways that will make me happy.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? Jonathan and his wife had a bb.

4. Did anyone close to you die? No.

5. What countries did you visit? lol

6. What would you like to have in 2021 that you lacked in 2020? I’d like my confidence back. I don’t think I had realized that I’d gained some in my first two years of grad school until my new advisor kinda made me lose it all.

7. What date from 2020 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? March 131st. j/k Time wasn’t real so idk maybe Halloween when Sarah, Elizabeth, and I had a tea party in a historic cemetery and then watched RHPS on Sarah’s porch and ate Pho.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? MFA, I guess. Though it felt/feels fake because graduation and celebrations didn’t happen.

9. What was your biggest failure? Letting shit get to me. To be fair tho, not letting shit affect me probably would have been unhealthy. Basically my thesis was fucking depressing as shit and not fun and I’m really glad I got to wing the last few months of grad school because of the pandemic (but I’d would rather have had a completely shitty time the whole time without the pandemic).

10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No.

11. What was the best thing you bought? A new computer.

14. Where did most of your money go? Rent. Fuck landlords.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? When it looked like Bernie was going to do well in the primaries before the DNC fucked everything up for him. Again. Getting into a relationship?????

16. What song will always remind you of 2020? Idk probably something from Punisher.

Compared to this time last year, are you:

17. Thinner or fatter? Fatter?

18. Richer or poorer? Poorer

19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Telling people to fuck off.

20. What do you wish you’d done less of? Overthinking

21. How will you be spending Christmas? I got to be at my parent’s house after quarantining for over two weeks, so that was nice.

22. Did you fall in love in 2020? Too soon to say, but it’s something.

23.  What was your best costume of the year? Probably Nadja from What We Do in the Shadows. I also liked my mostly closet Harley Quinn costume.

24. What was your favorite TV program? DS9! I watched all of it over the end of 2019/beginning of 2020, and tried to watch all Star Trek, which was really fun.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year? Probably some politicians. I definitely dislike a lot of people I didn’t before.

26. What was the best book you read? I read like 2/3rds of one book this year lol.

27. What was your greatest musical discovery? I guess Phoebe Bridgers? Or was it discovering that I actually liked Taylor Swift with Folklore?

28. What did you want and get? A cute boy who likes me?

29. What did you want and not get? To actually see that cute boy irl. I guess technically we saw each other like Jan 2nd or 3rd last year, but that barely counts.

30. What was your favorite film of this year? I really enjoyed Birds of Prey. I’m bad at watching movies on my own. Oh wait, I def saw Parasite last Feb, so I’m changing my answer to that.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? 33. Heather, Kenny, and I had drinks and ordered appetizer combos from BDubs and Applebapple. For a quarantine birthday, it was pretty good.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? Not having a global pandemic? The DNC not fucking Bernie? But besides that, my thesis not being a clusterfuck.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2020? Goth athletic wear. Not enough tracksuits for health goth tho.

34. What kept you sane? Heather. Playing 430 hours of Destiny 2.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Went on another Hugh Dancy kick, but that’s about it.

36. What political issue stirred you the most? I worked for the Bernie data entry team which was really fun and did some text banking too. After he suspended his campaign I kinda gave up on politics, but still went to every BLM protest/march in Athens.

37. Who did you miss? Literally everyone I know. Especially Bianca.

38. Who was the best new person you met? Didn’t do a lot of meeting people this year. I enjoyed the brief period of time before my internship shut down with my supervisor. I ran an errand with him at one point and his car started playing a podcast he was listening to previously and it was William and Alaska from Drag Race and I was like 👀

39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

I've been running around in circles Pretending to be myself Why would somebody do this on purpose When they could do something else? Drowning out the morning birds With the same three songs over and over I wish I wrote it, but I didn't so I learn the words Hum along 'til the feeling's gone forever

[wingsporkhalo]

He’s Mine: A BakuDeku Fic Spork- Chapter 3

Eyyy it’s time for chapter 3! Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Last time, Katsuki attempted to confess his “love,” Izuku was forced to dress as a girl, Shoto kidnapped Izuku, I ranted about people uke-fying my favorite characters, and Kirishima offered some terrible advice! In today’s installment, Shoto makes terrible jokes and lies to Izuku’s mother, Izuku and Shoto go on a date, and our helpless damsel protagonist gets attacked by a villain!! Also, I provide several of my own takes on the pairing! Special thanks as always to @kittykatz009​, @the-wizard-l​, @satsuneade​, and Phos! Thanks especially for the art, Satsu! LOL

Me: Thanks for the summary, Izuku, but wouldn't your time be better spent experiencing new events?

"OH WELL AS LONG AS THEY SAID SORRY, MY SUFFERING IS RENDERED MEANINGLESS! EVERYTHING'S GOOD!!"

Wiz: OH JOY Me:

My mum shouted me

That's right. She just... threw her head back and screamed MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE as loud as she could One of our neighbors thumped on the wall. "MAKE HER STOP DOING THAT!" I heard a muffled voice roar on the other side. "I'm sorry!" I shouted back. "I don't know why it keeps happening!!" Wiz: JTRHSDGF

Satsu: Oh god Phos: Jeez Me: Wow, okay, sure, just declare yourself someone's boyfriend without asking them first. Wh... Where's Inko going? cOME BACK! WE NEED AN ADULT PRESENT Satsu: Okay but why isn't Inko questioning Deku about this!??? Me: FOR REAL THOUGH "Also, I found some girls' clothing in your bag... Honey, you know you can tell me anything. Is... everything all right? You know I love you no matter what, right?" "mOM STOP YOU'RE EMBARRASSING ME" Satsu: HER ONLY SON HAVING A BOYFRIEND FOR THW FIRST TIME SHOULD BE AN IMPORTANT MATTER Ndvdkfbfkfbksbd Phos: "Truth is I got dressed up in it against my will." "Did they apologize?" "Yes" "Then that’s all right!" Me: I'd love to say it's completely out of character for Shoto to respond to a question with a shitty pun he's no doubt spent hours coming up with... but I could definitely see him doing that, actually but not THIS shitty pun Not THIS one this one... is uNBEARABLE SAVE ME lskjfslkdj pHOS I like how there's a lone quotation mark there, like that line was so fucking bad that even the punctuation is trying to separate itself from it Satsu: SKBFKWBGKDBSKDJIDBFJD 😂 😂 Me: AFTER THE PARK?? WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THERE? WAS THAT JUST NOT IMPORTANT??? AREN'T YOU WRITING ABOUT THE DEVELOPMENT OF THE RELATIONSHIP?? WHAT THE FUCK Wiz: tjdafgfdhgfhg Me: THIS PERSON'S WRITING!!! IS SO FUCKING BORING!!! PLEASE, GIVE ME SOMETHING!! THE CLOSEST WE EVER GOT TO DESCRIPTION WAS THE LOST CAT THING AND EVEN THAT WAS COMPLETELY INANE Oh boyyyyy the next part

Satsu: They just got there and went back lol Me: I wish this author could be stoped Satsu: Omg she had FANS XDDD Phos: She has tiny electrical fans in her mouth. They’re completely shorted out by now, but that’s what you get. Me: "I'm glad I'm here with you, Tod--I mean, Shoto-kun." "Me too, Izuku." [silence. A crow flies overhead. Crickets chirp.] "Well, this was nice, Izuku, but I should be getting home." "Wh...what? But we just g... uh. O-Okay...??" Satsu: KDBDKFBFJX Me: [throws some rabbits in the air] Two high-up buns I mean, you ain't wrong, Toga DOES have lots of fans, but how could you tell that from looking in her mouth?? A Japanese girls uniform? Uh... is... is there a uniform that all Japanese girls must wear? That sounds like some kind of dystopian hellscape??? Wiz: Not wearing your japanese girl uniform? sirens start up Me:

(Guessed who it is ;))

Yeah, as with everything in your writing, it didn't take a genius to figure it out. It may take a psychologist, however. Satsu: Poor Deku, can't really defend himself even though he has One for all's power and has defeated so many villains already :( Me: I KNOW LIKE WHAT THE FUCK 😂

"Your cute come with me!"

Okay like... if you're going to bother putting an actual yandere into the story, let alone one who is canonically in love with Izuku/wants to murder him, don't you think her dialogue should be a little more characteristic?? Like, uhhh, "I've been waiting to see you again, Izuku-kun! Did you miss me?? I missed you. But it's okay. You'll never go anywhere without me again~" Y'KNOW SOMETHING SCARY AND UNSETTLING Satsu: "hey cutie ;)" Phos: That’s really good dialogue on short notice, Mom Me: WHAT THE FUCK IS AN ALIWAY [someone points to a girl named Ali] "about 140 pounds" aww, thanks Phos!! <3 Why would Izuku follow her though?? He KNOWS what Himiko Toga looks like!! He has fought her before!! Good lord!!

When I saw it my body trembled and I backed up to the wall

Bitch!! This kiddo faced down the League of Villains, The Hero Killer Stain, a humongous freakshow four times his size with prehensile muscles, a performance-enhanced metalbender, several morons in plague masks, and a terrifying maniac who had rearranged his body into a titanic monstrosity with four arms, and didn't back down!!! What the fuck show are you watching???

She cut my cheek

And Izuku just... stood there, I guess, with a bit of drool escaping his semi-open mouth as he stared at nothing vacantly. Wiz: :’)))))) Me: And then he just passes out for no reason?? I?? I don't get it! Was it because of the explosion? Did he get cut a bunch more times (but we never knew because the author was incapable of describing it to us) and pass out from blood loss? Or is he just so frightened of this admittedly-terrifying girl that he just swooned onto the ground???

Sure. Because visiting Deku is something he does all the time I guess. This is so pointless, so bad, so unbelievably boring, oh my god author I've met trees with more personality than your writing. Literally I read a book where a tree was the main character and it was one of the most interesting books I've ever read Wiz: y e p Me: also, there's the "my deku" again [rolling eyes] Satsu: oh god

Satsu: Did Kacchan seriously stalk him for more than two hours Me:

I ran to wards

I hope it was to a psych ward; that's where I'm headed after reading this. Satsu: was it really two hours because nothing happened there apparently Me:

And hit her in the face with my quirk. When I was done beating her up

Oh my god you idiot. You fool. You are like a little baby. Himiko Toga is not so easy to defeat. She's a notorious killer who's wanted for dozens of murders, and she's also a master of deception, extraordinarily quick-witted, and really good at knowing when it's time to skedaddle. >:C Satsu: Two things: He didn't recognize her even though she's from the league of villains Also, he just... Left her there..... Jaz: I'm so offended that they butchered Toga's characterization like this Me:

"Deku?" I asked while shaking him a bit. But he didn't respond

Oh god, he's finally succumbed to shaken baby syndrome from all these people infantilizing him Wiz: fdghjDSFGHJ Me:

I checked his puls

His what now? Wiz: his puls Me: gOD STOP SHAKING HIM OH MY GOD Bridle style. I can only assume this means he wrapped Izuku around the muzzle of a horse Wiz: oh my god Me: Oh, so suddenly Inko is back at the house again?? "A crazy girl tried to kill him with a knife" "IS HE OKAY??" "...I mean, obviously not. Did you not hear what I just said" Satsu: The puls 😂 😂 

Jaz: Bakugou. What. The. Fuck. Me: I went up stairs. Just... some random stairs. I went up them. Yo but for real though... WHY DID IZUKU PASS OUT I don't think more intense stalking is the answer, Katsuki So like... how do you say "had of" but then later use the correct "would've"??? I? Maybe don't rub your finger in his fresh wound, Kacchan?? Wiz: o w Me: "Deku... who did this to you?!" "Oh that? Don't worry about that. I was chasing a stray cat and it, uh, got a little temperamental" "...were you shirtless during this?" "Yeah!" "........why??" "I had just gotten out of the shower." "................look, never mind. My fault for asking." I like how Katsuki's like "I'll make her pay for hurting Deku" but for the past decade it has in fact been him who has been hurting Deku Wiz: OH RIP Satsu: OH LORD Me: I don't get it; why is he just rubbing all these scratches? I can understand if he like, gently traced them with his finger? but you keep saying RUBBING and I'm like, what kind of strange fetish is that??? Wiz: That sounds ow fjcmv Me: So he just intently stares at his childhood "friend" until he himself loses consciousness. Sure. Makes sense. Inko pokes her head in later like "Boys, I made you some sna--oh. They're asleep. Uhh, I guess I should call Mitsuki and let her know Katsuki's staying over... that's nice. He hasn't spent the night since they were four" Satsu: Aww that's actually cute, but very impossible in canon 😂 Jaz: Lol it really is Me: that reminds me of a tiny something I wrote thanks to one of these badfics that I should share with y'all

Jaz: Hey look, it me Me: When u stan two characters becoming friends instead of becoming boyfriends Satsu: Omg 😭 😭 😭 😭 Jaz: FRIENDSHIP Me: YEP I friend-ship them so hard (': Satsu: SLOW-BURN FRIENDSHIP Me: SLOW BURN FRIENDSHIP ALSKDAJ;FKLD I LOVE IT Jaz: Hey, that is AMAZING Me: Katsuki: Fuck that. [holds up his hands, which are sparking] I burn everything fast Kirishima just puts a hand on his shoulder like "whoa, slow down there, ya little pyro"

OKAY, WHAT THE HELL! TOGA INTRODUCES HERSELF TO IZUKU WHEN THEY FIRST MEET, AND LATER WHEN THEY MEET AGAIN HE REMEMBERS HER BY NAME (and Toga looks... uhhh, a little too happy about that). HE KNOWS WHO SHE IS Satsu: Kzbdkfbjejdbd I'm crying at the had placed his head on his chest Me: I'm crying at the fact that apparently Bakugou is able to wrap his hand entirely around Izuku, because I guess he suddenly has Kendou from class 1-B's Quirk now And also "I tured my head" like oh really? Did you need a ture guide? Was it like, an Inside Out thing?? The idea of Izuku sleeping with his head on Katsuki's chest is cute, but I don't think they would willingly arrange themselves like that. It's more of a "we happened to pass out like this after being smashed out of the sky by a villain" pose, and when one of them wakes up they'd be like "aAAAH OH CHRIST OH FUCK [scrambles away like they just woke up cuddling a giant spider]" "he moanded" oh my god save me 😂 Wiz: moanded Satsu: Oh nooooooooo

Wiz: wh Me: "as soon as he [let go of me] I got away from him" Hey look, the first in-character thing that's happened THIS WHOLE FUCKING TIME I like how Inko only exists when the author needs her to

"Coming!" I shouted back

Already? He only moanded once WHY WAS THAT ALL YOU HEARD FROM YOUR MOM? IS SHE LIKE, FADING OUT OF EXISTENCE AGAIN? MAYBE ASK HER WHAT SHE MEANS BEFORE SHE BECOMES MIST? "HEY MOM, DO YOU MEAN HE HAS YOUR BLESSING TO CONTINUE TO ABUSE AND TORMENT ME LIKE HE'S BEEN DOING FOR THE PAST 11 YEARS OR SO??" Wiz: :'))) Me: plus, is she forgetting that a DIFFERENT attractive teenager claimed to be Izuku's boyfriend yesterday?? Jaz: my head hurts from this

Wiz: There is so much happening but also nothing, I'm just. what. Me: Izuku is so fucking dumb in this story that he, to use a phrase I saw in a post today, "wouldn't know how to pour water out of a boot if there were instructions on the heel" Wiz: I freaking love that phrase Jaz: "but Kacchan was already finished.... I guess we have that in common" WHAT THE FUCK Me: And again, he only moanded once. Pitiful Jaz: get these bois to a doctor Satsu: And that's why they have to marry Because they have so much in common Me: Also, why is Izuku clutching his chest? Did he sprout boobs because the author has feminized him so fucking much?

He scoffed his breakfast down.

Okay. "You call yourself a waffle? Pathetic. Eggo, you say? More like, Egad, this waffle sucks." Jaz: WING OMG

Me: Without the umbrella? I suppose it's just as well. Even if it was raining, the author would never tell us Jaz: THEY SPELLED “DAMNED” RIGHT OH MY GOD Me:

while walking

oh my god, for real? couldn't you at least tack that onto some dialogue? Like, I asked while walking??? Jaz: too much work. they had to put all the effort into spelling damned right Me: PFFFFFFFFF The last line there is so depressing because it means the author IS aware of how Katsuki acts in canon... and has chosen to write him this way regardless

"I'm... mm [struggles to speak]" "Kacchan?? Are you okay??" "Yes, it's just that whenever I try to say something in-character my mouth snaps shut and I MMM-MM [flails around desperately]" "[panicking] oH NO! WHOSE QUIRK IS CAUSING THIS" Satsu: Ldbdkdbdkf Me: I like how the author makes Katsuki delay telling him The Big Important Thing until after school... which adds like a whole 6 sentences to the story instead of being a "haha, you'll have to wait for it, readers!" thing And I like how Izuku is self-aware enough to tell people where he's going and who he's hanging out with, but not self-aware enough to realize that he's in a love triangle apparently. Satsu: Of course this is the thing I decided to do to finish my art block lmao

Me: lKJF;LGKSEJRG;AWLKJGD;LKJE;GIJW;EGJS;LKJS;GLSKGJF Wiz: oh my god beauty Me: IM GONAN FUCEKN CRY OMGGGGGG Satsu: THEBIMAGE WAS STUCK IN MY HEAD, I AH TO DO IT LOLLL Me: I LAUGHED SO HARD THAT I CHOKED ON MY OWN SPIT AND COUGHED A LOT [WHEEZES] Phos: Oh my GOLLY THAT’S SO GREAT Satsu: I'M SO SORRY MOM DLVDKDVDKD Me: "Close your eyes!" "Uhhh, Kacchan? Last time you held something behind your back and told me to close my eyes, you threw an angry squirrel at me and then recorded me running around trying to get it off me" "Psh, that was a long time ago, nerd. I'm different now." "That was last week, Kacchan"

"Is it--" "It's not a fucking squirrel, all right! Just do it!!" "o-okay!" Jaz: that picture is so beautiful omg Kacchan isn't going to be happy you dropped those roses Me: Mkay so if Bakugou suddenly kissed him, I think Izuku would leap back and be like "WHO ARE YOU AND WHY ARE YOU PRETENDING TO BE KACCHAN" "No, it's--listen, it's really me, okay?" "LIAR! WHERE IS THE REAL KACCHAN?!" "I'm right here, you moron! [puts both hands on his chest] I'm Katsuki Bakugou! Cross my heart!" "AHA! YOU'VE SLIPPED UP! KACCHAN DOESN'T HAVE A HEART TO CROSS!!" "Wow, that was kind of fucking uncalled for, but I guess I can see why you'd say that" Jaz: lmao oh my god Wiz: DPESN'T HAVE A HEART TO CROSS Satsu: Kdbsjdhdbd I love that when you write them it's like they go back to normal, oh my babies ;-; Maybe the're just actors on a very bad romance series Me: And then yeah he would absolutely yell at him for dropping the flowers and Izuku would be like "[squints suspiciously] .......Kacchan?" "YES, for the three trillionth time. Jesus, I knew you were an idiot, but I didn't know you were THIS dumb. Now pick up those fucking flowers before I blast a hole through you" "[clutching his own head] wHAT IS HAPPENINGGGGG" Jaz: now THAT'S the Kacchan he knows! Me: What a beautiful greeting for a heartfelt love letter

Wiz: they spelled damn right :oooo Me: I know; it's almost as amazing as their utter disregard for canon Jaz: oh jesus Me: Izuku would stare at that letter for ages and find a hidden message in it Izuku, reading the note: "Hey, damn nerd... Even though I didn't get to tell you yesterday, I was trying to say that I'm in Love with you. I want to go out with you. Let me know what you think. PS- Tell anyone else and you're dead." [long pause] "...............oh my god... the first letter of each line... HE'S IN TROUBLE!! I HAVE TO SAVE HIM" Jaz: Afudshgoudshuigdsh

==========================================================

Next time: The last installment, in which Katsuki and Shoto fight over our damsel!

[divainity-aa]

reggie  +  old  age  /  death trigger warnings:  death,  abuse mention,  alcoholism word  count: 2080

ACT  I.   THE  MANTLE  EMPIRE  CRUMBLES 

richard mantle gets diagnosed with lung cancer at age 65.   reggie  is  age  30.  the mantle men never had a long life expectancy.  riddled with a history of mental illness and addiction, they were doomed behind the delusion of material wealth and success that they were immortal. drowning in more money than they knew what to do with, though lacking in matters of the heart. it’s the start of the family’s estrangement, long overdue. victoria mantle wipes her tears on the drive home from the appointment. features remain motionless when she delivers the news. his heart seems to have no sympathy as she embraces him, searching for some sort of support. his hands remain at their sides. 

he watches as the disease kills his father, having made him into a senile old man with not even half the spunk and livelihood he used to have as a young, up-and-coming entrepreneur. it eats him alive, taking first his body and then his spirit. the chemo, the hair loss, the medication, the appointments. he finds a reason not to be there for any of it. he can’t help but feel a kind of satisfaction, that it’s the universe doing itself due diligence, paying him back for his suffering all these years that he was made afraid in his own home. it was what he had prayed for all these years, every time he bit his tongue saying his father’s name. 

so why wasn’t he happy?

richard mantle dies at age 73.  on his deathbed, he begs to see his only son, now age 38. you’d think the years of treatment would have given them time to reconcile, to move past their past, but the opposite is quite true. pride seems to be the vice on both ends, keeping them apart. his father finds shame in his illness and need for victoria’s constant assistance and reggie has no interest in making amends even in light of a tragedy. the roles have reversed, reggie now the one never home and his parents never leaving. part of it was spite, wanting to leave them alone the way they left him and part of it was in fear that he would be there when it came to an end. 

one night, he’s told that richard called only for him, the heir to his throne, his so-called pride and joy, mumbling something about seeing him before he met with god. he’s told that his father wanted to tell him everything he should have said, beg for forgiveness while he’s bedridden and his mother called for him profusely. he doesn’t pick up the phone.  he picks up the bottle and brings it to his lips instead, for it is  far  more  comforting, in a bar nearly 20 minutes away. waiting. 

there’s a call later in the night, this time from the hospital. 

hi, i’d like to speak to reginald mantle. it’s urgent. ...  yeah.  sir.. we regret to inform you that your father just passed away.  ... sir ? ...  ... sir are you still— is she still there ? your mother? yes she’s still here. do you want me to hand her the pho— no. don’t tell her i answered. .. oh. okay. is there a message you’d like me to pass on? ..... .... sir is there a message— .... tell her to let me know when i get my part of the inheritance.

he was right. his father’s pride would be what killed him.

reggie  doesn’t  attend  the  funeral.  his mother pleads with him on the phone, begging that he’ll do the right thing and put past wrongs aside.  he’s your father, goddamnit!  but he doesn’t show. he burned the invitation, with a match of his own light, watching his father’s glowing portrait disintegrate upon gloss paper. he stares, hoping that some kind memory, some fond recollection that can guilt him into feeling sorry. but like most times, he feels nothing. 

he spits on his grave and pours his father a drink through the soil. he thanks him for nothing and never goes back.

soon, all of riverdale knows and they begin pouring in meaningless condolences. old acquaintances emerge from the woodwork, knowing of the inheritance he has on its way, and honest friends reach out to apologize for something that isn’t their fault. it’s hard to tell which is which, but it doesn’t matter. he ignores them all, paying mind only to the numbness from hard liquor. he packs a bag with his things, enough clothes for a week, before leaving riverdale without intending to return.

ACT  II.   THE  LAST  MANTLE  STANDING

reggie moves back into the mantle mansion at age 40. it’s not until years later that he decides that he’s ready to even make a reappearance at what was never a loving home. his mother is there to greet him, she herself decreasing in health and taking after that of her husband.  they’ve not been in contact all this time, too painful for both of them, but still she embraces him with tears in her eyes. for the first time in forever, a hand raises to reciprocate,  tears streaming quietly down chiseled cheeks. maybe it’s the sight of his mother, aged but still the same,  maybe it’s her compassion.  he  was  never  the  perfect  son,  nor  she the perfect mother, but grief has a way of bringing families together after setting them apart.  he’s not quite ready to forgive her and she knows it.  

but he’s home. they both are. 

reggie’s mother dies at age 80.  reggie is age 47. no diagnosis, no illness: simply the wrath of father time. her bones finally became to brittle and her heartbeat too slow. she passes away in her sleep. reggie finds her in the morning when he’s bringing her breakfast. there’s still a grape juice stain on the carpet from where it is he dropped the tray.

he calls the family he never knew, her estranged sister and two brothers. they come to riverdale for a private service and he meets them for the first time, having never before because his mother didn’t keep in contact after marrying. they look so much like her it hurts. they share a few embraces and exchange information. it’s the last time he ever sees them until 20 years later.  they collect her things that she left them and leave before the weekend is over, leaving him with the lease. 

he remembers when he thought the house was emptier with his parents in it.

ACT  III.   A  LEGACY  REBORN.

the mantle foundation and recreational center is founded in 2050.  his hair begins to gray and he’s painfully aware that there’s little time left for him to salvage what’s left of his life. it could be over tomorrow  &  he has no heir:  no wife or children.  his fear of a legacy, of a child bearing his name and his burden too great for him, leaving him truly and utterly alone. and with nothing to lose, more importantly. 

he sells the riverdale gazette for a sizeable amount and uses the earnings to renovate an old building, a former warehouse, into a clubhouse, one for kids ages 12-19.  the doors are always open and there’s no entrance fee— only the request that you treat others the way you’d like to be treated. a rule he never followed. the inheritance he receives from both his mother and father are poured into its operation, furnishing it with love & comfort, and its foundation creates countless opportunities for riverdale’s youth. students are given access to endless resources, human and material alike. new school supplies, toys, books for the taking. tutors, therapists, coaches and advisors at the ready. free of charge, at the disposal of those who otherwise wouldn’t have access. 

college scholarship funds are opened in the names of influential people in his life, including the archie andrews scholarship,  the betty cooper award,  and  the veronica lodge fund  ( in partnership w/her namesake ), to help riverdale’s follow their dreams to higher education. every application is read by reggie himself and he interviews every candidate to hear their stories. he often ends up giving more awards than promised, quite literally having money to burn, just not at anyone’s expense but his own. 

he’s there for all of it.  from getting his hands dirty when the building was built to being there to greet kids every day and lock the building when it’s closing : he is invested. his face is no longer attached to misery, but delight. hope. the kids know him by name when they bustle in after school and he treats them like the children they never had. in a lot of ways, they are.

the people of riverdale almost can’t believe their eyes, its once infamous villain now having had a change of heart. some are still skeptical, others have accepted the change and donate regularly to the cause. he’ll never fully undo the wrongs he’s done, but this is where he begins. and better to have started now, than never being given a chance to.

all the while, he lives a quiet life, tending to his kids at the center when he’s not at home. visits are seldom, but each one is appreciated and cherished as time continues its march alongside him. 

ACT  IV.   A  SOLEMN  REPRISE.

reggie is diagnosed with liver cancer at age 70.  and it seems with every day that he may not outlive his father. damaged by the consumption of hard liquor from premature age has caught up and it’s eager to collect its dues. he lived comfortably in the delusion that illness had skipped his generation, that he was where it ended, but he is sorely mistaken. he refuses all treatment, remembering how it is his father died, under flourescent lights that burned his eyes, and he grimaces. he’d rather die able-bodied, than drag out his suffering. though fearful, he is accepting and continues business as usual. the world still turns and it will even after he goes. 

reggie dies at 75.  it’s in his sleep, the same as his mother. a night he never woke up from. suspicion grows when he’s not seen around town, nor at his own foundation’s headquarters. a coworker finds him after he doesn’t pick up any calls and alerts authorities.

the town comes together for the funeral, knowing there’s no family of his that would do it himself. archie, betty, jughead and veronica help plan it with the help of the lives he’s touched. the scholars he’s changed the futures of return home without a second though and pay their respects. there’s an exchange of stories, recounting every part of his life. the core four give eulogy together. riverdale high pays tribute to him not just as a public servant but for the stellar athlete and leader that he was. there’s a plaque dedicated to him at the mantle foundation center and a portrait painted of his likeness hung to remind all its guests why it is they have what they do. 

ACT  V.   A  NEVER - ENDING  STORY.

his will. he’s cremated, the way he wanted to be, and his ashes spread in the wind, on the shore of his favorite beach. a free spirit while alive, he wanted to same for his soul. he’s also given a gravestone next to his family, just for looks. 

in his will, he leaves the mansion to the next CEO of the mantle foundation, instructing that it’s used to expand their headquarters whether it be to create a second location or another office for its business staff. he leaves each of his three cars to archie, betty, and veronica, telling them they can give it to their kids for their 16th birthday, keep them for themselves, or sell them at market value. whatever works best. his motorcycle goes to jughead. 

he leaves a video for each person who’s stuck around this long behind, on a thumbdrive that’s mailed upon his death. each video is personal, with things he just wants to make sure are known, even after his passing, and heartfelt in its own way. each of the core four receives one and so does his foundation staff.

his personal funds to be completely depleted after this division of assets. the remaining funds are all left to the foundation to ensure it’s kept running until the next person takes charge. 

the empire ended with him, but its name will last forever now because of it.

[rutilation]

You hear that subtle creaking noise?  That is the sound of the Sword of Damocles, its single thread fraying as it prepares to come crashing down on Gormie’s head.  Poor kid’s going to incur Ichikawa’s wrath if they keep tempting fate like this.  

One minute you’re having the time of your life visiting moon-disneyland while trashing your ex, but before you know it your author is going to dump some nasty plot twist on you like: “Actually, Aechmea was lying about your eyes,” “Actually, you’re just Ghost’s split-personality,” “Actually, Aechmea is using you as a science experiment.”  (in case you couldn’t tell, I’m dreading eagerly anticipating the payoff to all this buildup.)

So to start off, Aechmea was being quite ominous this chapter, and everything that came out of his mouth seemed like it had a double meaning that we poor readers don’t have enough information to decipher yet.  This line also seemed like a veiled way of suggesting that he has ulterior motives regarding Cairn beyond simply acquiring a trophy wife.

I’ve been thinking for a long time that whatever extenuating circumstances are keeping Kongou from praying must be pretty dire, because otherwise he has no reason to keep this carousel of misery going.  Every piece of humanity is suffering because of his inaction, and I don’t think he’d abide by that if there wasn’t something grave stopping him from taking action.  I also think it’s likely that Aechmea knows what this reason is, and is keeping that information from the gems.  So, now that Phos has cooled their head enough that they’re willing to try and talk things out, is Aechmea going to do something about that?  Do his cryptic words from this chapter allude to this?  Hmmmm…

Anyway, on to Phos.

What a good rock.

It’s good that Phos is more cognizant of the impact they have on others and that they’re trying to be less callous.  Keeping Alex from going through with that idea was definitely the right decision.  At the same time, I don’t think the answer to the conundrum of getting other people caught up in your problems is to take the weight of the world onto your shoulders and try to do everything by yourself. That’s essentially what Kongou has been doing the whole story, and look how that turned out.  Furthermore, one important aspect of Phos early in their character arc was how the other characters’ unwillingness to let Phos take responsibility for their own mistakes really ate away at their self-esteem.  The narrative seems to posit that taking away the consequences of someone’s actions and the responsibility of making decisions is tantamount to depriving another of their full personhood, even when the desire to do so comes from a place of compassion.

On a related note, I’ve noticed that both of the important people in Phos’s life are in a rather precarious position thanks to Phos’s actions, and additionally, nothing Phos does going forward is going to bail them out of it.  They both stand to gain something in the short term if Phos keeps failing at their task of getting Kongou to pray.  Cinnabar’s newfound acceptance is contingent on Phos trying (and failing) to assault Kongou.  The longer that keeps up, the longer they’ll be accepted by the other gems; Phos’s success would end that in an instant.  However, even if this were to become the new status quo, it wouldn’t make Cinnabar happy in the long run.  After all, one of the very first things we learn about them is that they hate fighting.  So once the novelty of their peers’ acceptance begins to wear off, they’re going to find themselves dissatisfied. 

Similarly, Cairn also stands to benefit in the short term if Phos keeps failing.  The longer Kongou doesn’t pray for the Lunarians, the more time they have with Aechmea.  But as chapter 71 showed, he’s the controlling type, which is pretty antithetical to Cairn’s desire to find freedom.  Aechmea’s behavior is probably just going to get worse and worse once the honeymoon-phase of the relationship is over, at which point Cairn’s life is going to be hell for every moment that Aechmea continues to stink up the mortal plane with his existence.

Before Phos got their grubby little paws on Cinnabar and Cairngorm, neither of them were living happy lives.  But they also didn’t hope for anything better, and were more or less resigned to their respective fates.  But now that they’ve ridden the wave of Phos’s change, both of them now have something to lose.  Whether Phos succeeds or fails in their quest, it seems to me that the two of them are going to have to save themselves if they don’t want to get badly burned (or worse) by the end of this debacle.

In this interview, Ichikawa alluded to the conundrum of whether or not it’s possible to save someone from themselves, and the way she talked about it makes it seem like a central conceit of the text.  Not to be totally predictable by referencing Utena once again in my essays, but that theme is one of the central conflicts in Utena as well.  The answer that series comes to is that people can really only save themselves, and that the most the people around them can do is give that person the tools and opportunity to do so.  It also posits that trying to do otherwise creates a toxic relationship wherein the savior has ultimate power over the one being saved, thus tainting the altruism that might have inspired one to save another in the first place.  I wonder if HnK will come to a similar conclusion.

Going back to Cinnabar for a minute, while I’m taking it as a given that the rest of the earth gems will drop them like a bad habit the second they stop being useful, I do have a bit of faith that Bort will stick up for them.  Let’s talk about Bort.

Unlike most of the other gems still on earth, Bort has grown since the start of the manga.  They can say that change is for weaklings all they want, but the Bort we were introduced to is quite different from Bort as we know them now.  Their establishing scene in the manga has them scoffing at the idea of helping someone who they saw as a burden, someone who’s unwilling to help themselves.  But whatever scorn they had towards Phos early in the manga—by their own logic—they would have had for Cinnabar twice over. Where Phos was merely useless, Cinnabar was an actual liability.  Where Phos was haphazard and lazy in their efforts, Cinnabar is almost pathologically passive and self-defeating.

But by the time they actually met Cinnabar, they had changed.  And nowadays, it seems they’re trying to act as the Shinsha Whisperer.  Because of a series of gradual changes catalyzed by Phos and Dia, they’ve come to realize that:

A.     People can have potential that isn’t immediately apparent

B.     They themselves can have a more enriching role in their society than that of a surly guard dog

Plenty of people have written about how Bort is more thoughtful and sensitive than they initially appeared to be, but it’s usually couched in terms of the reader pulling back the veil of gruffness to reveal sweet, jellyfish-loving soul underneath.  While I don’t think that’s inaccurate per se, the way I see it is that certain events in the story have nurtured their growth as a character, causing them to slowly become less of an asshole.  I find that to be a more fruitful framework to work with than simply: “We the readers didn’t understand Bort at first because of incomplete information and now we do.”

What I’m getting at is that since they were willing to set aside a bit of their pride and step outside of their comfort zone in order to change, I have more faith in them to do the right thing than the people surrounding them.  Most of the gems are polite, agreeable, charming, etc…but the way the outcasts of their society have been treated throughout the narrative speaks volumes, much more than a veil of civility ever could.  What other read am I supposed to get from chapter five?  Not to trash on two-thirds of the cast or anything, but I think most of these characters are just going along to get along, and aren’t terribly concerned about anything or anyone that doesn’t directly affect them.

Speaking of earth gems that I don’t trust:

Ichikawa keeps repeating the image of Euclase looming over Phos.  This is the third time now.

Anyway, Cairn is once again happening.  And, umm...

Hate to break it to you buddy, but I’m pretty sure the call’s coming from inside the house.  What episode of The Twilight Zone have we entered in which Cairngorm needs Ghost’s help in order to look disgusted with everything?

There’s not much I can say about Cairn in this chapter that I didn’t already say in my Cairn essay.  While it’s certainly upsetting to learn that they were suicidal while Phos was in a coma, it’s also not exactly shocking.  That said, I do have one additional observation.  This has been on my mind for a while, but I’ve never really brought it up because it’s existed in the realm of subtext, and sometimes I am a timid little bean who doesn’t want to risk putting my foot in my mouth.

Cairngorm is pretty good at reading people, aren’t they?  In this scene in chapter 50 they seem to have a much stronger grasp on Kongou’s state of mind than Phos ever has, they can always tell when Phos is lying or otherwise putting up a front, and I’m fairly certain they’re basing their current affectation on what they have inferred that Aechmea wants.  I bring this up because of this moment from the chapter:

While we the audience have the benefit of hindsight, tone, and framing to indicate that Aechmea is up to something duplicitous in this scene, Cairn doesn’t.  But they still immediately pick up on the fact that he’s being shady.  They phrase this observation as if it’s a joke rather than a source of genuine unease, but the fact that the composition of the page lingers on this line is rather telling, leading me to think Cairn is trying to laugh off something that is in actuality causing them anxiety.

The only other thing that caught my attention is that Cairn called Aechmea by his name.  I guess whatever reason he has for not liking his name, it’s not because he considers it an insult?

Finally, just as a reminder, I’ve started cross-posting my essays to ao3 in case tumblr dies or whatever.  So, if that does happen, you can find me there.

[jenz]

Chrysanthemum

I woke up two nights ago from a dream feeling paralyzed from the nostalgia it shot through my veins. In my slumber, I dreamt that I was a carnival performer, and was backstage getting ready when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I turned around to be greeted by an old flame, who bent down to give me an encouraging kiss. As he pulled away, he smiled that same smirk I recalled.

When I came back into reality, I laid transfixed in bed, stunned that this moment felt current. But I also felt a bit alarmed. That moment in the dream - the cupping of my face, the warmth I could feel in his fingers as they touched my skin, the kiss length - felt exactly like what it was when we were together. How could this kiss feel the same while being unconscious? How could something from a decade ago surface and feel so bitingly legitimate?

I let this uneasy, erotic, restless feeling dictate my day. I kept re-playing over and over the intimacy we had had; how we used to swap music discoveries, the drives we used to take, all the photo shoots I made him pose for. The way he held my hand that one Halloween, the way I used to look at him while we had dinner, the way he broke up with me after we went for pho. I remembered what my life was like then and it made me feel...unsettled. How can you be so fond and devoted and APART of someone and then just...not? Why do we allow ourselves to open up and expose the depths of our fragility, our dreams, only to have it languish?

It didn't stop there. I went deeper into my romantic history, to my first real love who broke my heart when he cheated on me, to the bartender who couldn't commit, to the serial manipulator who I swore was going to be The One. I rehashed all the beautiful and dirty and carnal and destructive things that happened in those relationships, and completely began to incapacitate myself emotionally. When you go that far down a rabbit hole, it takes a mighty force to 180 you back to your senses, and at this point, I was full speed ahead into Torture 101.

It was here I decided I was going to go visit my grandma at her final resting place. Somewhere I avoided for the last 2 years because the pain was too much to face again. Losing a loved one is always hard, and losing a person you treasured so faithfully is agonizing. So naturally, a cemetery seemed like the place to go given my emotional state. I rolled up with a potted plant in hand and just sat with her and my grandpa, trying to make sense of the complex whirlwind shitshow that was my brain. And it finally hit me that I've been tying everything - and I mean, everything - to the idea of leaving San Francisco and not being ready for change.

We're in the middle of trying to buy a house out of the city, away from friends, family, close support circles. The pace of life will be different. The resources and political sphere and climate will be wholly different. We're literally trading in city life for desert living. And for the past 2 months, I have tried to make sense of this momentous change, started keeping notes on why San Francisco is important and what it means to leave it. My ode to this beautiful city will come in its own edition. But to understand how I am leaving means I have been 150% examining what it meant to even be here. To move here a week after I turned 18, to have my memories splattered on every street corner. To follow the friends and jobs and lessons I have learned in the 17 years I decided to place roots and blossom into who I am today. I have spent my formative adult life in the City by the Bay and it changed me. It told me I was good enough and gave me opportunities to explore my passions in the arts, in community, in music. It was cruel when my friends had to leave due to the cost of living. It was welcoming every time I needed a beer or a street taco to celebrate my wins or drown my sorrows. I have, as it turns out, so much to fucking say about SF that the nostalgia has been manifesting in everything. Reminiscing about old friendships. Former apartments. And past lovers, it turns out.

I wasn't ready when my grandma died. I knew the grief of missing her would palpitate for a long time after her departure, and the sting still pierces me at times, even now. But it's been two years since she went to the stars, and...I'm OK. I ended up being fine, and the hole in my heart has now been filled with understanding and acceptance that change is something you have to deal with. How you react to it is your own choice. I loved her so much, but am happy for her suffering to have ended. And I think about how, if she were here, she'd chastise me about having blue hair and getting more tattoos and ask how I was feeling. Not what I was doing, but how I was feeling. What was I doing to feel connected and fulfilled, and, was I happy?

I'd like to think that she would be proud with me. And content to see me progress to the next stage of life with my other half.

[fatechica]

100 Questions

Whee, I was tagged by @janes-mike and @dancingskygreen! This is a good distraction for while I’m sick, lmao.

1. What is your nickname? Jules or JP

2. How old are you? 34

3. What is your birth month? November

4. What is your zodiac sign? Sagittarius

5. What is your favorite color? Burgundy

6. What’s your lucky number? 1123, if pressed (it’s my birthday, lol)

7. Do you have any pets? I do! I have one cat who’s 15 years old and a curmudgeonly princess.

8. Where are you from? California (the SF area, to be precise, tho I live up in Sacramento, now)

9. How tall are you? 5′3

10. What shoe size are you? 7

11. How many pairs of shoes do you own? Ok, so I’m the person who buys shoes but never wears more than, like, 3 pairs ever? So, I have, like, 20 pairs of shoes and my husband gets so mad that I mostly never wear them.

12. Are you random? What does this even mean? No? I feel like I’m too logical to be random.

13. Last person you texted? My friend about how awful my voice sounds rn.

14. Are you psychic in any way? Nope, not in any way, shape, or form.

15. Last TV show watched? Requiem

16. Favorite movie? Empire Records and Pacific Rim

17. Favorite show from your childhood? Out of this World (god, aging myself. does anyone here even know that show?)

18. Do you want children? Maybe? I still don’t know the answer to this question (and, as my mother likes to remind me, the end of my fertile years is coming up, so time may answer that question for me)

19. Do you want a church wedding? Haha, already married and we did not have a church wedding

20. What is your religion? I’m agnostic, but my husband is Buddhist, so...also Buddhist?

21. Have you ever been to the hospital? yes. the last time was when I sprained my elbow so bad I lost feeling in my fingers

22. Have you ever got in trouble with the law? Haha, NO

23. How is life? Eh? It’s ok rn. I’m sick and I have work tomorrow, but otherwise pretty good

24. Baths or showers? Showers

25. What color socks are you wearing? Haha, socks? LOL, no. It was 100 degrees today and I don’t like having my feet covered even when it’s cold.

26. Have you ever been famous? Nope

27. Would you like to be a big celebrity? Yeah, no, no thank you. I like the anonymity

28. What type of music do you like? I’m a musician, so the answer is “everything”. Like, you hit shuffle on my iphone and you’re just as likely to hit Beethoven’s Sonatas as you are Notorious B.I.G. and everything in between. I’m the least partial to country, if I had to pick something I didn’t like (or, at least, don’t often listen to).

29. Have you ever been skinny dipping? Yep!

30. How many pillows do you sleep with? Two

31. What position do you usually sleep in? I can’t fall asleep any other way but on my stomach, but I often wake up on my back, which is hilarious since I can’t fall asleep like that at all.

32. How big is your house? idk, normal size-ish? Like, 2000 square feet? We have a large lot, so it feels bigger than it really is.

33. What do you typically have for breakfast? Cereal (I’m a whore for cereal)

34. Have you ever left the country? Yes! Last time was a couple of years ago when the husband and I went to Puerto Vallarta

35. Have you ever tried archery? I have, back in summer camp ages ago (and, also, I could try it again any time I want since my husband does archery and there’s an archery target set up in our backyard. imagine my complete lack of surprise when he came home with 4 hay bales and was like “babe, i’m gonna build a target!”)

36. Do you like anyone? Lol, I’m married, so I sure hope so!

37. Favorite swear word? Hands down, it’s “fuck”. I use it all the time.

38. When do you fall asleep? Around midnight if I’m being good.

39. Do you have any scars? Yeah, I was a really active kid and got in a lot of scrapes and whatnot. My most notable one is the scar on my chin from where I split it open and had to get stitches.

40. Sexual orientation? Pretty straight.

41. Are you a good liar? Fortunately or unfortunately, yes.

42. What languages would you like to learn? I want to learn German and Mandarin, and I seriously need to re-learn Japanese and Spanish (I used to be mostly fluent in both).

43. Top 10 songs? Oh shit, uh...crap. Pass on answering this question unless you want me here all night figuring this shit out.

44. Do you like your country? I’m in America and...in theory, yes. At the moment? NO.

45. Do you have friends from the web? Oh yeah, absolutely!

46. What is your personality type? I’m super extroverted and assertive and headstrong (my MBTI is ESTJ and I have never related to a personality type SO STRONGLY).

47. Hogwarts House? Ravenclaw

48. Can you curl your tongue? Nope

49. Pick one fictional character you can relate to? Um, since most of my friends here are in the ST fandom, let’s go with that and, in that universe, I’d have to say Mike Wheeler. His sense of responsibility and knack of putting everyone else ahead of him is something I relate to so very much.

50. Left or right handed? Left

51. Are you scared of spiders? I have legit arachnophobia.

52. Favorite food? Macaroni and cheese (I’m such white fucking trash)

53. Favorite foreign food? Pho or (and I’m cursing my inability to add accent marks here)  Bun Thit Nuong Cha Gio, which is vermicelli noodles with bbq pork, eggrolls, veggies, and fish sauce and it’s so good (ok, i’m craving it now) (also, lol, can you tell my husband’s Vietnamese, or what?)

54. Are you a clean or messy person? Dude, I’m messy as fuck.

55. If you could switch your gender for a day, what would you do? Figure out what it’s like to pee standing up.

56. What color underwear? Like, right now, or in general? Because the answer to right now is “nothing” (because i’m in my pjs and i don’t wear underwear to sleep), but in general, black because i don’t like having to match anything.

57. How long does it take for you to get ready? 15-20 minutes

58. Do you have much of an ego? Situationally, yes. Like, when it comes to things I’m good at, oh hell yes. 

59. Do you suck or bite lollipops? Suck. I have an oral fixation.

60. Do you talk to yourself? All the damn time.

61. Do you sing to yourself? Yep!

62. Are you a good singer? I like to think that I am.

63. Biggest Fears? Spiders and the depth of the ocean (what’s down there?!?!?!)

64. Are you a gossip? Haha, yes.

65. Are you a grammar nazi? Oh yeah.

66. Do you have long or short hair? Medium-ish? It goes right past my shoulders, so I guess on the shorter end.

67. Can you name all 50 states of America? I can.

68. Favorite school subject? Math

69. Extrovert or Introvert? Extrovert!

70. Have you ever been scuba diving? No, but I want to so bad.

71. What makes you nervous? Not being able to live up to expectations.

72. Are you scared of the dark? No, I love the dark. I have really good night vision.

73. Do you correct people when they make mistakes? All the time. I’m annoying that way.

74. Are you ticklish? Yes, yes I am (unfortunately)

75. Have you ever started a rumor? Nope...at least, not on purpose.

76. Have you ever been out of your home country? Yes!

77. Have you ever drank underage? God, all the time.

78. Have you ever done drugs? Yes, but only pot.

79. What do you fantasize about? Having the freedom to travel and do what I want without having to worry about money.

80. How many piercings do you have? Three on each ear (though I’m planning on getting a cartilage piercing soon).

81. Can you roll your R’s? Lol, I only took 10 years of Spanish, so I certainly hope so.

82. How fast can you type? Pretty fast

83. How fast can you run? Um, I average about a 13 minute mile, so not super fast.

84. What color is your hair? Auburn-red

85. What color are your eyes? Hazel

86. What are you allergic to? Mold and mildew

87. Do you keep a journal? Haha, I gave up that ghost years ago. The closest I get to that is this blog.

88. Are you depressed about anything? Not particularly at the moment (though I suffer from anxiety and that can quickly turn into depression if I don’t watch it)

89. Do you like your age? I do, I think. I can’t say I didn’t wish I was in my late 20s again, mostly because there’s the pressure to have done certain things by the time you’re in your mid-30s (like, have kids and whatnot), but I certainly don’t feel my age most of the time, so *shrugs*

90. What makes you angry? When people aren’t given a fair shot, or unfairly treated. I’m real big on equity of respect and it makes me so angry when I see people getting treated like shit or disrespected (bigots and racists and misogynists really piss me off). In that same vein, people not doing their fair share of the work also really piss me off.

91. Do you like your own name? Yeah, I do. I mean, I’ve had it for 34 years.

92. Did you ever get a foreign object up your nose? thankfully, no.

93. Do you want a boy or a girl for a child? I think, if I have kids, I want a girl.

94. What talents do you have? I’m a fast and adaptive learner and I have a near photographic memory.

95. Sun or moon? Sun.

96. How did you get your name? Ok, I’ve asked this question and the only answer I can get from my mom is “I don’t know, your dad and I just liked the name.”

97. Are you religious? I like to consider myself a spiritual person, but I’m not particularly religious. I’m fascinated by religiosity and tradition and I like participating in religious ceremonies, but I don’t know if I believe in a religion enough to be religious.

98. Have you ever been to a therapist? Yes, I have. I developed anxiety a few years ago and I saw a therapist for a few months to help with my issues.

99. Color of your bedspread? White with blue and turquoise dots.

100. Color of your room? Grey

Alright, then, I tag.... @mikeywheelerr, @formerlyjannafaye, @el-and-hop, and @linachupi

[vocalstudies]

Good things - Biden winning the elections and having the first woman Vice President, lavender lattes and chilaquiles at a Cafe w/ Taylor @ 7am (she bought everything too), Texts from Vicky to go hiking and journaling, FTs from my sister in Temecula and random dms from Brittany in Tahoe saying she misses me and my name and thoughts are on her heart (intuition is crazy)

A whirlwind of emotions, bundle of nerves combined w/ sadness, happiness and sense of relief. It’s a weird feeling to have things come full circle and just finally have the time to step back and think, like really think about my recent life choices.

Like I said Taylor woke me up at the crack of fucking dawn to get breakfast we were intending to walk the beach but it was too cold. She had a date planned with a mutual friend Emilio and she wanted me to help hype her up and get ready. It was a good feeling to think about someone else other than my ex for a change and it kept my mind occupied. It was nice catching up with Taylor. We chose her outfit and a housewarming gift, then I went home.

I sat and cried in my shower just about the stresses of my family, my breakup, dropping out of school and taking off time from work at my 2nd job. I felt so emotional and an emptiness ache in my heart. I feel so lost and pained.

The night before my step sister randomly FT’d me (she hardly ever does this) right after I set my positive affirmations in my journal. I was surprised to receive a call from her and she asked me to drive up to Temecula.

We caught up about her life, my breakup, family and her recent updates to her room. I ate pho w/ my step dad, brother and sister which was nice too.

Visited the promenade for scented candles and it was cute to see all the holiday decorations set up already.

I texted my ex (for no reason at all) and she doesn’t respond to my texts anyways. I’ve been left on read for a while now and it leaves me feeling worthless and stupid. Idk why I do it, but maybe it’s a form of self sabotage.

I was supposed to drive back down to SD and go straight home but I got a text to play board games and my friend Alexis’s house in Scripps Ranch.... Right when I walked through the door everyone said “You want to pop” and handed me a pill. I didn’t really think too hard and just did it because I was so sad and I completely disregarded the fact I took 40mgs of propranolol and 20 mgs of lexapro. I’m not sure what the pill was but it was orange. I took a couple shots, sipped trulys and continued to re-up w/ these orange pills. I still don’t know what they were but I didn’t feel so sad anymore and a happy buzzing warmth surrounded my body. I was wearing my mask and social distancing best I could but it’s hard when all I need right now is human interactions. I’m probably gonna get tested for covid again just to be on the safe side.

Anyway - so much for sobriety right? Just kidding.

I drove home in the rain at about 6am from Scripps to Golden hill which is about a 25 minute drive. Knowing my age and circumstances as to why I was making these irresponsible choices out everything into perspective.

Maybe it’s the drugs having me overanalyze but what I’m aware what I’m doing to myself isn’t good but simultaneously I’m dancing with the devil. It’s terrible.

I don’t like where I’m headed and I’m tired of feeling like im drifting and not 100% here. I can’t continue to do stupid shit and expect a different out come you know? I’m too old, too aware and can’t keep making myself suffer.

It’s ironic I had to have substances in order to see the clarity within the mess but when I was surrounded by all these fucked up people it felt like I was in slow motion and could only hear my internal thoughts/monologue. I wanted to be at home, in bed, cuddling at watching movies during a rainy night but instead found my self doing drugs and making bad decisions with strangers.

Hitting rock bottom sucks. Really sucks. Acknowledging that I’m having problems also sucks. I’ve said this once before but I always persevered no matter how bad a situation gets. I’m a smart woman who just happens to have bad coping mechanisms due to low self esteem and trauma and succumbs to her vices. I’ve over came so much though, why am I throwing all my progress away???

Codependency is a hell of a drug. Loneliness and sadness too. Literally engulfed who I was for a minute

It’s the residual drugs I’m on that is completely making me so exhausted I can’t sleep and keeps my mind on overdrive.

Most likely going to have a serious comedown but I’ll take my chances and live with my consequences

I should also eat something it’s been like a whole day

To whoever reads this, sorry I’m a complete shit show and you’ve watched me downward spiral this year - hopefully you’ll stick around for my glow up, rebirth and healing. Dont have a time frame, but it’ll happen .......crossing my fingers

[alifeleadsimply]

Anxiety in the time of Corona

Anxiety and lockdown

We are living in extremely uncertain times. We have been restricted in terms of movement and contact, meaning many of us have lost some of the things we were clinging to as coping mechanisms.

I have anxiety. I won’t say I suffer from it, because under normal circumstances I have found ways of coping with it. Coping with the constant fear that my anxiety forms. But now, after more than 4 weeks of quarantine, with no income and no guarantee of future income, no physical contact and no running, I am beginning to feel me unravel.

Normally, I am a high-strung person. I laugh easily, but I also cry at the drop of a hat, and I have a temper that flares up and cools down just as fast. I don’t hold grudges, but I do replay scenarios over and over and over, sometimes lying awake at night, watching the highlight reel of my perceived failures. After a very stressful period, I noticed that my anxiety presents itself slowly, creeping up on me. Then before I know it, bang, it has made a nest in my head. And getting rid of it then feels like getting rid of that aunt over Christmas – there is always something else to quickly discuss, so she never leaves.

It happens in 5 steps, usually following quickly from one to the next –

1. I start sleeping really badly. This is usually a sign that I miss because I am a bad sleeper in general. But when it is as a result of anxiety, I struggle to fall asleep, I have nightmares, and I jolt awake at least a few times a week. Since I started following my sleep stats, I have also noticed that my heart rate will be much higher than my resting heart rate for at least 70% of the night. That means I am basically running a marathon in my dreams.

2. I get really really short-tempered, making me highly sensitive to normal stimuli like sounds, smells, bright lights, and repetitive movements. I am so irritated, and unfortunately, my kids bear the brunt of this irritation. This is usually when I start to notice that I am going off course, so I start to bring in my normal coping measures.

3. My food choices change. I start craving sweet, sugary and warm food. Lots of coffee. Chocolate. Anything that is unhealthy and comforting. And then the sugar and caffeine high makes me even more jittery and anxious.

4. If I allow it to reach this point, we are in trouble. Here I am walking the very thin line between anxiety and depression. At this stage, I will stop exercising. I will stop doing things I usually love. I just give up.

5. So far gone, all that is left is lethargy. Going back from this point takes more energy than what I can muster. It is an uphill battle. One that I have luckily won before.

I check in with myself constantly to make sure that I am ok. And if I am not ok, where am I on the steps as outlined above. Right now, I know I am swerving between 2 and 3. I have touched on 4 for a day or two, then luckily pulled myself back.

What am I doing to keep my anxiety in check?

My usual strategies won’t work now since most of them are centered around getting out of the house. Being between people, running, and working do me wonders. Being trapped in my house, with 2 small kids, I had to be a bit more creative.

My current strategies:

1.       I do yoga. But even though I am a beginner (have been beginning and stopping for years) I do intermediate to advance lessons and flows. In that way I push myself, keep my mind busy and make my body tired. Like running would have. I also try to do at least 50min at a time.

2.       I meditate. But not in long sessions, rather shorter sessions spread out through the day. It quiets my mind and brings me in touch with my senses. It also gives me time to reflect and think clearly. So far, I have not had any inspiring ideas, but I do notice that my mind is calmer afterward.

3.       I spend time with my kids. I choose the activity, which gives me some control (which I lack in almost every other aspect of my life) and then we have special time together. Because I choose to do this, I cannot resent them for keeping me out of work or away from whatever I wanted to rather do. Some days I do tell them to please leave me alone for a while, and sometimes it actually works.

4.       I drink lots of water. That means I need to go pee a lot. Which gives me something to do. Also, I get to accomplish a small thing, every single day.

5.       We bake. Measuring and weighing is therapeutic. The kids eat everything we bake. I try not to, sometimes I am successful (see step 3…).

6.       I journal. A lot. Sometimes just words, other times short stories or posts that must never see the light of day. I have a gratitude list and a fear list and some days the gratitude list is actually longer than the fear list. Those days I feel as if I am winning.

7.       I try to keep myself from sleeping too much. I stay awake after the kids have gone to bed, and I do not take a nap with them in the afternoon. Sleep is a slippery slope for me – I need to get enough quality sleep but cannot allow it to become a means to escape.

8.       Limited news. Good, bad, ugly, no matter. I cut out the news, and I stay of negative social media (yeah looking at you Facebook). Also, no newspapers.

9.       I read my Bible. Most of the time I have no idea what I read since my mind wanders (did I mention my attention deficit problem is accentuated by anxiety and stress? I lose my way through a sentence when I get like this. Another reason why writing is so good – it forces me to stay on a train of thought, and if I do wander off I simply read what I wrote to get back on track) but I am a firm believer that the Word will find a hole and fill it.

10.   I walk. Up and down in the hallway. To and fro in the garden. Anything to not just sit. I force myself to do stupid small things that will force me to get up, like leaving my water in another room or only carrying two things at a time when unloading the dishwasher. Walk. Move. Don’t sit and fret.

Oh, and I take magnesium at night, omega 3 in the morning, and Kali Phos a few times during the day. Although I am not a big drinker, having a glass of wine every now and then allows me to relax a bit, and that usually also helps. But again – only once in a while, and only a glass or two. Never drink to self-medicate, and never drink to forget. My essential oils are also never far away. My favourite scent, eucalyptus, calms me. I also love using orange for energy, lemon for focus, and geranium mixed with peppermint for an immediate pick me up.

Most days I feel as if I am going to make it. I don’t know how to provide for my kids, but the world around me is less dark. Other days I need a bit more help. So, I do extra work on myself. I try to laugh more, spend extra time with the girls, read a storybook or paint. I keep busy with busy work, not busy with thinking work. 4 weeks have passed. We have 2 to go. Our 40 days are almost over. Nobody knows what lies on the other side, but I have proven to myself that I can cope no matter what life throws at me.

I am convinced that inspiration will come to visit me, giving me an idea of what to do to bring in money. I know worrying will keep the next big idea hiding away. Easier said than done, but we keep on trying.

One day I will look back at this time and marvel. Marvel at how much we did, how little we cried, and how much we lived.

Stay safe

xxx

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[momdefrazzler]

9 Best Things To Do In Lone Tree News Travel

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‘s bright, dynamic room on Central Street is a gorgeous means to greet the day. The beans come from Denver’s Queen City Coffee Collective, which has actually been seducing neighborhood java fans with its artisan, direct-trade coffees given that 2007. thebinderydenver.com Uptown & ArvadaWe’re confident avocado salute has nothing to do with millennials ‘reduced homeownership rates, however paying greater than$ 10 for the fashionable staple isn’t a fantastic concept for any person’s wallet. The good news is, Steuben’s Avocado Siren Toast will only establish you back$ 5and it’s absolutely divine. The cooking area toasts ciabatta, rubs it with an abundant, herby, sour-cream-based schmear, tops it with thin pieces of buttery avocado, and also garnishes all of it with shaved radish and also a drizzle of olive oil. Practically. steubens.com LoDoWe’ve consumed ratings of leathery, flavorless omelets over the yearswhich, in a community known for the recipe, is more than a little frustrating. Give thanks to benefits for Urban.

Farmer, after that, where the Denver omelet gets its due. Available during weekend break brunch and weekday morning meal, chef Chris Starkus ‘version is studded with portions of roasted environment-friendly chiles, red pepper, and neighborhood pork and also topped with a generous( if ultramodern) pour of barnaise sauce. Lastly, we can claim an omelet worthy of our city’s good name. urbanfarmerdenver.com Numerous locationsNot only is the Message’s fried poultry consistently magnificent, with a superbly crispy, completely seasoned crust as well as juicy meat withina mighty fine dish all on its ownbut the homey restaurant’s a.m. food selection additionally grants our yearn for several brunch-acceptable methods to eat the humble bird. postbrewing.com Image by Sarah Boyum. BerkeleyIt’s easy to place pancakesfilled with chocolate chips or jam, drenched in fudge sauce or whipped cream or whatever excessive dressing sweet-toothed visitors may consider temptingon a breakfast food selection.

What’s harder is to make a pancake that tastes great solo. Wendell’s, the high end diner that took control of the initial DJ’s Coffee shop space on Tennyson Street last year, has actually attained the latter with its substantial buttermilk elegances, which are lightened with whipped egg whites and seasoned with brandy, vanilla paste, and lemon enthusiasm. wendellsbreakfast. Tyler T. Tysdal.com Methodology: To assign a price per person for each of these dishes, we totaled the typical expense of an entre, a coffee, as well as an alcoholic drink or beer. Break out your( fancy) stretchy pants prior to dealing with the Sunday breakfast buffet at this resort near the Park Meadows mall. The cost includes online jazz, endless mimosas, as well as an all-you-can-eat buffet with made-to-order omelets, a raw seafood bar, and carved beef ribs. Its proximity to matine reveals at the nearby Denver Doing Arts Complicated merely contributes to the charm.

. edgerestaurantdenver.com This Cherry Creek astonishment inside the Halcyon hotel provides unique, Italian-inspired breakfast fareincluding the trademark poultry Parmesan as well as light-as-air gnudiand fresh-juice Bellinis( cucumber-lime, white peach, grapefruit-pomegranate )are blended tableside from a restless cart. Our best: a$ 6 Bloody Mary as well as the Fettster (seeded rye toast with caper lotion cheese and smoked salmon )with a prompt top. Tyler T. Tysdal. oliveandfincheatery.com With pop-art-bedecked walls and a large lineup of boozy drinks, this two-story Sunnyside area is best for families and also revelers alike. Order a bacon flight.

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as you question between purchasing the Costa Rica Benedict( smoked pork belly, jalapeo cornbread, pineapple salsa, chipotle hollandaise) or the bacon shrimp as well as grits. Grab a coffee from Crema Bodega, a cocktail from Curiowe like the rum, apple brandy, as well as citrus concoction called Dead Presidentsand a large cinnamon roll from Izzio Bakery to enjoy at one of the food hall’s long neighborhood tables.

denvercentralmarket.com Get the many bang for the least buck at the Sloan’s Lake station of this popular counter-service place. riseandshinedenver.com Picture by Aaron Colussi (business broker in Denver). Prop designing by Natalie Warady. AuroraIt’s virtually impossible to pick just one item from Annette’s breakfast food selection, however when pressed to do so, chef Caroline Glover’s waffles float above the remainder. Their light appearance originates from a yeasted batter Glover rests over night for supreme taste growth and loft space. Even much better, the covering combinations alter once a week as well as with the periods, from apples with salted sugar and also whipped lotion in the loss to blackberries with lemon curd as well as whipped lotion in the spring. annettescratchtotable.com LoHiMeals at There Denver are frequently riotous affairs, specifically if you go during brunch, when the restaurant supplies revolving home entertainment with styles like burlesque, yoga, as well as bluegrass music. For $7, you get three heavenly deep-fried orbs that are crunchy on their cinnamon-sugar-coated outsides, feather-soft within, and also kindly filled up with tart, house-made raspberryPinot Noir jam. Breakfast with a side of burlesque dance might not be everybody’s thing, yet we’re pretty certain these doughnuts are. therehospitalitygroup.com Capitol HillVegetarian as well as vegan Denverites need not suffer with dull tofu scrambles and also butter-free salute, thanks to Cap Hill’s hipster organization, City, O’ City, where the entire a.m. My individual favorite would need to be the Queso Arepa. That does not enjoy mozzarella cheese, avocado and also fried plantains!.?. !? Photo courtesy of @milehighandhungry on Instagram This french toast is the ideal brunch choice in Denver. It’s a gooey and divine mix of bread, butter, berries, cinnamon, vanilla and also syrup.

Prior to founding Freedom Factory, Tyler Tysdal managed a development equity fund in association with several celebrities in sports and home entertainment. Portfolio business Leesa.com grew rapidly to over $100 million in revenues and has a visionary social objective to “end bedlessness” by donating one mattress for every single ten offered, with over 35,000 contributions now made. Some other portfolio business were in the markets of wine importing, specialized lending and software-as-services digital signs. In parallel to managing assets for businesses, Ty was handling personal equity in property. He has had a variety of successful personal equity investments and numerous exits in trainee real estate, multi-unit housing, and hotels in Manhattan and Seattle.Image politeness of @milehighandhungry on Instagram Vert is not just housed in the stylish and also homey community of Laundry Park, however it has an awesome menu that is continuously changing. Every ingredient they utilize is neighborhood and homemade, and also while they always have sandwiches and salads, they switch over up their specials and sides so you can try something new each time you go.

Picture thanks to @infatuation_den on Instagram If you can not inform from this image, this is the finest darn pizza in the state of Colorado. Fresh, self-made dough and local, organic components baked together in a standard block stove makes these pizzas taste like they’re appropriate out of Naples, Italy. Basic active ingredients and conventional techniques make Restaurant Area a must.

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You get to select the base, protein, type of curry, veggies and flavorings to create a custom Indian curry bowl that has unbelievable flavor and also spice. The ingredients and options are unbelievably fresh and continuously altering, allowing you to change it up whenever you go, yet I highly suggest the coconut curry and hen.

Photo thanks to @infatuation_den on Instagram grass-fed meat, Tillamook cheddar cheese and fresh lettuce as well as tomatoes make this cheeseburger a must-have. They throw on some of their unique sauce for the best combination of tasty and also tangy, and also their fresh baked bun is the cherry ahead. While their yummy burgers are a reason alone to go, Larkburger’s truffle fries are my preferred fries in Denver, by far.

I would certainly do anything at any provide moment to eat these french fries as well as I imply anything individuals. Image thanks to @infatuation_den on Instagram Bonnie Brae is a true Denver facility. They make their homemade ice lotion and cones on website every day, as well as have a plethora of scrumptious flavors offered (Lone Tree).

Whether it’s a summer’s night or awesome mid-day, Bonnie Brae is constantly crowded with delighted children, households, and also big teams of friends – TIVIS Capital. Image courtesy of @infatuation_den on Instagram Denver Biscuit Co. has a nationwide reputation for providing insanely good biscuits, and this credibility might not be a lot more precise. Their biscuit french toast has the best level of sweet taste and is delightfully indulgent, while their egg biscuits are one of the most gratifying means to start the day.

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