#inadequate. bitter. undeserving. cruel. manipulative. failure. lazy.
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#i need to vent but i know people will see it and so uh dni at all please? i will be ok im just fuckin Sad rn#im so tired. ive had enough. i have nothing left to give the universe#i am? was? idk trying my best. trying to keep everything afloat and take care of everyone#but my best isnt good enough at all. i dont even know if it is my best truly#look at me complaining like this like i deserve to be pitied or coddled into thinking im good and kind i dont im awful and the guilt eats#me alive. i am not a good person. i am cruel and selfish and inadequate. i hurt those around me and have no way of fixing it#i cant cry anymore because it feels too fake so i just wallow in silence. everyone does leave eventually and again i was right#thats the one thing i can take pride in now is that my bitter anxious premonitions are right. or at least reliable. ive been doing it for a#long time. and now i just wonder who is leaving next. i felt so secure i thought maybe this time they would all love me and i would be safe#maybe its not me that needed to be safe maybe i was subconsciously looking for something else to fuck up. maybe they should be safe#so im not mad when people leave. its just a reminder i cant always help. i cant be good enough.#history repeats itself and instead of me being hurt im hurting everyone else. im just like he was. i knew i would be.#i think im just going to sleep more. i wish i could outsleep the world. put me in a coma please.#i already ruined my future and im ruining the present too. everything i touch i lean on too heavily until it breaks and crumbles.#inadequate. bitter. undeserving. cruel. manipulative. failure. lazy.#scared#scared of myself and the world around me#i wish i deserved help and comfort and i wish i wasnt too much to handle. i wish all my friends werent sick of me#im tired of pretending im functional and fine#and when they all say oh youre so nice kind angel darling baby sweetheart i want to cry because im not like that truly im sorry you thinktht#...idk what else to say. im done. i dont know what to do about this i cant help and my help doesnt work anyway#im tired and i cant unload anything else on friends its not fair to them. to have to put up with my mistakes.#i'll get up soon and ignore the guilt and pretend i can be ok but i dont know when bc time is liquid right now#i wish i could cry it out i wish i deserved that#thanks. if you read this please dni w this and dont message me ill be ok eventually but thank you for listening i suppose#especially particular friends i hope you never see this post because you dont need any more of this on your plates#the leaving has already started. you will all be gone too soon. it always happens. im meant to be alone but im not built to be happy alone#oh well.
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