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moon-spirit-yue · 2 years ago

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Settle Down

Chapter 1: You’re Cold and I Burn

(I feel like Raya deserves several apologies so I made this little fic. Also I’m a firm believer of angry Raya rights and bitter Benja rights. I really don’t think either of them really just got over everything so quickly. Plus some Benja lore I’m making up to explain why things went down the way they did. And for once in my life it’s a fic that’s canon compliant! Get ready for angst today!)

Life is great.

Raya’s father has finally come back from stone and they reunited once more. In fact, he’s standing a mere ten feet away from her mingling with a couple diplomats from the other lands. Only a three months since the Druun were destroyed for good and already there’s so much progress.

Life is great.

The dragons have returned too. That was something Raya never anticipated to happen, even if she did manage to bring her ba back. Seeing the stunning celestial beings dance along the horizon has been making Raya’s little dragon nerd heart flutter in excitement.

Life is great.

There’s also the nice addition of her and Namaari being on uh, she’s not exactly sure of the right term, but it’s not murderous terms so that’s an improvement. They shared a couple fruits, they smile at each other, so their relationship is certainly going in the right direction.

It’s great. This is what Raya wanted, what she’s been wanting for the past six years. Yet somehow, she doesn’t feel great.

In fact, Raya felt something close to miserable. Which is incredibly irritating because she doesn’t understand why she feels so awful.

The Heart princess had become quickly accustomed to smiling and agreeing with whatever anyone says over the past couple months about how wonderful it is everyone is back and the dragons are miracles. Heart’s been the hotspot for discussing political alliances and was used as a way to show the other lands’ good graces by helping with Heart’s rebuilding. Raya’s cheek hurt from faking her smiles.

She wishes so badly that her cheerful demeanor and welcoming attitude was sincere, but it wasn’t. When a new person approaches, she reaches for her sword. When Raya gets a new plate of food or a drink, she has to give it a thorough search to make sure no drugs or poisons are in it. When someone smiles and asks how she is, Raya has to lie when she says, “never better.”

And here she sits, watching everyone else either discuss potential political solutions or party hard with people that used be stone statues. Raya can’t bring herself to join anyone.

“Heeeeeeey bestie!” Sisu exclaimed, slithering right next Raya’s seat which is a rather uncomfortable rock.

“Hi, Sisu. What’s up?” she asked, smiling sincerely for the first time in a while.

“Nothing crazy, just hanging with the people. You know, people that can actually respond back to me. You should really try it,” the dragon insisted, giving her a look.

Raya sighed and rubbed her face tiredly. Sisu has been trying to drag Raya into any and every social event that’s popped up since the Druun were vanquished. Considering the fact that the past three months have basically been one big celebration, Raya has experienced a lot of attempted dragging.

“I’ve already helped with the crops, my people quota has been reached for the day,” Raya said dismissively.

“Well sure, but that’s work! Why don’t you talk to some of the homies for fun! Like you could hang out with your ba or Namaari-,” Sisu continued to ramble, but Raya kind of checked out after those two names,

Her relationship with both people had been rather tense, to say the least. It’s certainly to be expected with Namaari given their history, but Raya was surprised at herself to realize she’s not quite as comfortable with her ba as she used to be.

Raya just doesn’t know how to act around him anymore. Of course, she’s so happy that he’s back, that’s never been an issue, but there’s a barrier between them now that the Heart princess hadn’t considered.

Maybe it was the fact that so much time had passed? Raya did tell him upfront that she’s no longer a child and doesn’t want to be treated as such but he has been as good as he can be given everything that happened. It’s just so hard to connect with her ba now. The one person that used to make her feel more secure than anything in the world no longer gives Raya the safety he once did.

It has been years since she’s seen him, and a lot has happened, so maybe Raya is trying to rush the process. Doesn’t mean she doesn’t wish things could exactly how they used to be.

“-or you could even make some new friends! Doesn’t that sound fun?” Sisu yelled right when Raya’s brain focused on the conversation again.

“Right, sounds spectacular. I’m going to make a little fruit bowl, can I get you anything?” the Heart warrior asked.

“Oh, strawberries and pineapple would be amazing!” Sisu grinned.

“Coming right up,” Raya mumbled. At least she was no longer being peer pressured into becoming a social butterfly.

She then began weaving in through people, tables, even a couple dragons before reaching her destination. Raya approached the table filled with assortments of fruits from all five lands thus beginning her examination of which ones look the best.

“Raya,” a voice said out of literally nowhere.

The Heart princess is rather ashamed to say she actually squeaked a bit as she jumped back, frantically turning to whoever said her name. Feeling her pulse go a mile a minute, she realized that it was Namaari standing next to her.

“Oh, I’m so sorry I didn’t mean to uh, startle you,” Namaari awkwardly sighed. Raya’s entire body tensed but she waved her off like everything was fine.

“Don’t worry about it. It’s a habit I’m trying to break,” Raya shrugged. She’s constantly on edge being surrounded by people all the time. The adjustment period is longer than she anticipated. “So, what’s up? You said that Raya with some urgency there.”

“Ah, I did. I was hoping we could talk? In private?” Namaari asked.

The Heart princess paused for a moment to weigh her options. While it’s true that she’s kind of been hoping an opportunity like this would arise, now she’s not so sure she actually wants to talk. But, it would probably be rude to deny Namaari.

Honestly, Raya just wants to turn in for the night. The day has been way too long for her taste. She then decided to suck it up and just talk to the Fang princess before retiring to her room.

“Sure, I just need to give Sisu her fruits real quick. The appetite of a dragon amazes me,” Raya smiled in her poor attempt to crack a joke.

Thankfully, Namaari managed a small smile from the remark.

“No problem, I can wait,” Namaari said.

They started idle chit chat as Raya filled up the bowl with Sisu’s favorites. After promptly excusing herself, Raya wandered back to the dragon’s side to give her the fruit.

“Your snack as requested, Almighty Sisudatu,” Raya grinned. She then bowed dramatically and lifted the bowl right above her head.

“I love it when you act like you haven’t had to share the same boat as me to sleep,” the dragon laughed and eagerly took the bowl from her. “Okay, so I’m thinking after I replenish my strength, you and I head down to the river for some good old swimming practice?”

“Oh, that probably won’t work out. Namaari just asked to speak with me and there’s a really good chance the discussion will take a while,” Raya frowned.

“You’re going to talk to Namaari?! That’s great! You guys could use a little bonding experience!” Sisu exclaimed, weirdly ecstatic of Raya talking to Namaari.

“Uh huh. Well, if we both make it out of this interaction alive I’ll find you,” Raya snorted as she walked in Namaari’s direction.

“You got it Raya!” Sisu cheered as she all but waved Raya off.

“Strange, strange dragon,” she whispered to herself as she met up with Namaari. “My mission was a success. Where are we headed?”

“I thought the kitchens would be a good place to talk now that all the cooks are done for the night,” Namaari said as she already began walking in that direction.

“Alright,” Raya gulped.

She looked around for an excuse to not do this but when she couldn’t find one, Raya hastily followed the other princess.

The walk to the kitchens was both quiet and awkward. The two women haven’t communicated much since the Druun were vanquished. After the first day of everyone returning from stone, their interactions had become few and far between despite Namaari being so active in Heart’s rebuilding.

Raya had no clue what the hell she should even say to Namaari and had a pretty good feeling she felt the same way. What could they even say to each other? ‘Hey, I know that we’ve almost killed each other several times in the past six years, but want to grab a bite to eat?’

Absolutely not.

She could feel her blood pumping, already thinking of the several ways this interaction could turn violent. What was she thinking, going somewhere alone with Namaari after what happened last time. This was a bad idea. Raya can’t do this, she wants to go back to her room or run off to the courtyard or just leave the general area because she just can’t-

“After you,” Namaari said in a quiet voice.

Raya blinked dumbly before registering the fact that Namaari was holding the door open for her and had stepped to the side. Raya’s shoulders tensed up as she reluctantly walked past her and into the kitchen.

She only took about three steps into the room before turning to face Namaari. Raya didn’t feel comfortable having her back face the other princess and prayed she wouldn’t take notice.

Once Namaari closed the door behind her, Raya became claustrophobic in about four seconds. Small spaces never felt like an issue before now. Maybe she should pretend to faint or something.

“Well, we’re here. What’s on your mind?” Raya asked, trying really hard not to sound too agitated.

“I wanted to apologize. For everything. I never should manipulated you into gaining your trust only to take it away. And Sisu’s death? I completely messed up by bringing my crossbow. I’ve only ever tried to do the right thing and it always managed to be wrong. I can’t even imagine what you had to go through because of me. I’m so sorry for anything that happened to you because of my actions,” Namaari said remorsefully.

To both Namaari and Raya’s surprise, Raya began to laugh. Her hand covered her mouth as a snort managed to escape her. Now, the reason why Raya is currently laughing is because this feels like one big joke.

And not the good kind.

“Namaari, has anyone ever told you what a fucking coward you are?” Raya asked, still giggling like a three year old with too much candy.

“I’m sorry what?” Namaari said with a raised eyebrow.

“I mean, it’s true. You’re a fucking coward. It’s a trait that stayed with you since we were kids. When we fought in that cave, you could only kick me when my back was turned, and when I faced you like a big girl, you got your ass handed to you. If you didn’t have that flare and let your mommy bail you out, you would have left that cave black and blue,” Raya rushed out.

The Heart princess shouldn’t be saying any of this. For god’s sake, Kumandra is too delicate for her to be yelling at this woman and saying exactly how she feels. It’s like Namaari’s stupid face and even more stupid apology opened the door to all of Raya’s horrible feelings that she’s been too polite to talk about.

Being polite is officially over.

“Congratulations for stating the obvious, though. Because yeah, a peaceful meeting means no weapons! Honestly, Sisu’s death was on both of us, I’m big enough to realize that. I shouldn’t have been too eager to swing my sword, but you have never once given me a reason to trust you a day in my life! Anytime we see each other swords are drawn, blood is shed, and someone limps away crying. Mostly you, because if I was the one limping and crying, I’d have been in jail,” Raya snapped.

Namaari had the luxury of healthcare and support when she got injured. Raya had Tuk Tuk. As cute as he may be, he does not have the fine motor skills or the thumbs to properly help her tend to her wounds. Not to mention the fact that he wasn’t always the getaway transport he is today. If Raya didn’t win their little interactions, she’d be utterly screwed.

“Okay, that is completely untrue,” Namaari said.

And she had the audacity to sound annoyed. God, Raya wants to throttle her. She has both hands clasped tightly behind her back because she is afraid she may start brawling with this undercut nightmare at a moment’s notice.

“Seriously, you’re upset that I called you out for being a weak binturi? Of all the things that I’m dishing out to you, your physical strength is what’s getting you all hot and bothered?” Raya scoffed.

“That’s not the issue here,” the Fang woman frowned.

“No, the issue is that you suck!” Raya childishly yelled.

Why can’t Raya just stop talking? It’s like a dam overflowed and she has no choice but to say what’s on her mind. This is going to end in disaster. Raya knows that. And still, she continues to speak.

“My god, Namaari! You hunted a homeless orphan for months! I get a couple weeks, Fang pride and all that because hell, I stole from you, but months? What the actual fuck?! I had nothing. No father, no money, no home, and yet somehow you thought I was such a threat that you hunted me down for months? Did it make you feel powerful, knowing that with a snap you fingers you could make my life even more miserable than it already was?” Raya glared.

“Of course not-,” Namaari began, but was very quickly cut off.

“Well I can’t possibly think of what else you needed from me! I asked about that stupid scroll, you know. With the way you were hunting me, I thought I got my hands on a goldmine. I’m sure you can imagine how surprised I was when I found out it was worth about as much as a bag full of dirt,” Raya scowled.

Shut up, shut up, shut up, her internal voice screamed. Raya wants to stop talking. So badly, Raya just wants to breath and move on. But she can’t. She is so enraged that it’s hard for her to stand still.

“You should have left me alone,” Raya continued when Namaari was suddenly rendered speechless. “I was weak, alone, and I didn’t have a single piece of jade to my name that wasn’t stolen. The very least you could have done was just leave me alone. What the hell was the point of coming after me? What exactly were you trying to prove to your almighty mother?”

“Raya, please, just settle down for one moment,” Namaari sighed as if she was talking to some petulant child.

Once Raya heard the words ‘settle down’ she knew there was no way this conversation was going to end peacefully.

“Settle down? Settle down?! Are you kidding me? After six years of defending myself from people trying to take what little jade I had, of starving myself so that Tuk Tuk could eat, of missing my ba, of running from the Druun and you might I add, of falling asleep crying because there was no real point in living you want me to SETTLE DOWN?!” Raya screamed with anger seeping out of her pores.

Namaari just stood there. She stood there like a fucking imbecile and it only pissed Raya off more. She can’t even look at the other woman right now. Raya might actually kill her.

“I have no desire to talk to you anymore so get out! Bother someone else for change of pace!” Raya yelled at her.

Her nails began digging into her palms from how tight her fist was balled up. It was taking every ounce of self control Raya has to not grab what ever sharp object was closest to her and charge.

“Raya,” Namaari whispered, at an apparent loss for words.

“Get out! Just get the hell out of here before I actually burn you alive, you cold, heartless binturi!” Raya shrieked.

Raya’s pretty sure her own rage is really starting to blind her because Namaari’s facial expression isn’t registering in her mind but thankfully, she could see the Fang princess’s figure quietly walk out. Good. Finally, something’s going right.

But see, the really unfortunate thing is that Raya is still not quite happy with her current state of being. The anger she feels for Namaari did not leave with her. It was hard enough to resist bashing Namaari’s face in so now she needs to find an outlet for her wrath without getting another living thing involved.

Raya scanned the room to find dozens of wine glasses lined on the kitchen counter tops. Before she knew, the Heart princess grabbed wine glass and threw it on the ground as hard as she could. She watched intently the glass shattered the second it made impact with floor.

Raya grabbed another glass and gave it the same harsh treatment. Just like the one before, the glass shattered into hundreds of tiny pieces. From that moment on, Raya began to pick up a rhythm in her madness. Grab, throw, shatter, repeat.

Sometimes she’d squeeze them so tightly that they were broken before they could even hit the floor. Her hands began to bleed from little cuts the glasses gave her but she did’t care. She needed this. It’s the only thing stopping Raya from marching out of this room and finishing what she started in Fang.

“What on earth are you doing?!” a familiar voice boomed.

The Heart princess turned her furious glare to her father. He was standing there and looked to be a mixture of confused and panicked. Then Benja had the audacity to look at Raya like she had somehow lost her mind. Then Raya finally realized why she was having so many difficulties with her father.

She’s mad at him. Actually mad him. A daughter being mad at her father isn’t an uncommon occurrence. That is, unless you were Raya and Benja.

Looking back at her childhood, Raya legitimately can’t remember a time where she had been so genuinely angry at her father. Sure, they’d both get a bit upset at each other. But that was usually from a petty incident and the negative feelings lasted for like, one day. There was also the occasional moment of Raya going too far for whatever reason and needing to be scolded, but she always knew when she deserved it and her father always apologized when she didn’t.

But here and now? Raya’s so enraged that she feels like her whole body was set on fire.

Well, Raya is already on a roll with screaming at the people that exist in her presence, might as well add another to the list.

“And you,” Raya spat, pointing the wine glass she seized at her father like she’d hold her sword. “How dare you look at me like I’m crazy! You should have seen this coming Ba, but then again, your foresight has a pretty bad rep!”

“Honestly Raya, I thought you knew better than to make a huge mess like this! What has gotten into you!? You were completely fine when you were out with the others! What changed in such a short amount of time?” her father exclaimed while slamming the door shut.

“Are you kidding me right now? I have not been fine for the past six years Ba! Because you threw me in a damn river!” Raya roared at him, squeezing the glass in her hand.

“Dewdrop,” he whispered, taking a step forward only for Raya to quickly retreat in the opposite direction.

“Do not Dewdrop me! I was twelve! I was twelve years old and you gave me a responsibility that most adults couldn’t handle! You said not to give up on them when they’d all given up on themselves! I would lay on the ground night after night, wondering what slight detail could have been changed to avoid this entire mess,” the Heart princess yelled as she felt tears begin to stream down her face. “Why didn’t you wait! You should have built relationships with the other lands before inviting them into our home! Or you should have not made me a guardian of them gem so young! Why didn’t you stop me? You should have done something, damn it!”

Though her eyes were still blurred, she could see her father’s form sit on the floor across from her.

“You’re right. It was the biggest mistake of my life,” she heard her father mumble out.

“It definitely was, so why did you do it?” Raya asked, desperate for an explanation.

“I just, I wanted you to live in a better world. And I was too impatient with the progress we had been making. I hadn’t been planning on telling you this until you were much older, but a few weeks before that gathering, I was attacked,” Benja admitted.

“You what?” Raya gasped.

“You know your grandparents died very early on in my youth. The elders thrust me onto the throne before I was ready. After the attempt on my life, I just wanted to make sure that would never happen to you. I had to find a way to make the world a better place before it was too late,” her Ba whispered.

Raya wiped away her tears and got a good look at her father that was now sitting on the floor. She’d never seen him look so haunted in her entire life.

“You know, when I had you, I wanted nothing more than for you to have all the time in the world to be a child,” her father continued solemnly. “That’s why I was so hellbent on finding a way to make Kumandra united again. I wanted a quick and easy solution to our problems. The whole point of that day was to make your future better. Instead, I doomed you.”

Raya walked closer to her father when she heard the quiver in his voice. Se crouched down to see tears were streaming down his face.

“I failed you, Raya. Not a day goes by where I don’t think of it. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry for all the pain I caused you. I should have protected you more. I put too much weight on your shoulders. I understand if you resent me for the rest of your life, but please know that I never meant to hurt you. Everything I have ever done has been to love you and keep you safe from the day you were born,” he choked out.

Seeing her ba cry just made tears well up in Raya’s eyes. Wordlessly, Raya crawled onto his lap like she used to as a kid. Her father wrapped his arms around her waist and she leaned against his neck.

Raya didn’t even realize how much her chest has been heaving until she stopped moving. Hearing her father truly acknowledge his faults in the way everything went down helped Raya find clarity inside herself.

“You know the thing that I hated the most about the Druun?” Raya asked.

“I’m a little scared to hear this but what?” her father replied.

“I hated that you were gone because you’re my best friend and the person I love most,” the Heart princess cried. She felt her father’s arm tighten around her.

No words were exchanged as the two wallowed in their own misery and regret together. Despite the heavy atmosphere in the room, it’s the lightest Raya has felt since her ba returned from stone.

“I’m sorry, for everything I’ve done. Please, please don’t hate me forever,” her father begged her. Raya laughed weakly while shaking her head.

“I could never hate you, ba. I didn’t even realize I was holding a grudge, but having this talk made me feel a lot better. I think we just need to take everything one step at a time from this point on,” the Heart princess sniffled. She smiled hearing her father sigh in relief.

“Okay good. I know I said resenting me forever would have been okay and it would have, but I honestly don’t know if my heart would have been able to take it,” Benja chuckled.

“On that note, I should probably address that mess I made behind me,” Raya frowned, looking at the wreckage.

“You certainly did a number here,” her father noted.

“Hey Ba? One more thing,” Raya said.

“What is it Dewdrop?” he asked curiously.

“I forgive you,” Raya told him sincerely.

“Thank you,” Benja sighed, completely relieved. After giving her one last squeeze he loosened his arms a bit so that Raya could break free.

Raya smiled a bit and used the rather minimal strength she had left to get back up on her feet. She stretched out her hand for her father. Just when he was about to take it, he gasped loudly and brought her hand to his face. Raya’s confusion didn’t last long when she realized her hand was covered in tiny cuts from the glass. Raya hadn’t even realize she was bleeding until now.

“Stay there, I know there’s some disinfectants stuffed in this kitchen somewhere. We have way too many accident prone chefs,” her father mentioned.

Raya nodded and sat quietly on floor as her father rummaged through the cabinets to get what he needed to heal her wounds. No words were spoken as Benja took her left hand in his.

The Heart princess winced when the disinfectant made contact with her skin. She bit her lip as the stinging sensation traveled all across her hand. Raya then watched her ba firmly wrap the bandage around her hand. Thankfully, the right hand was done at a much faster pace.

“Does that feel okay? I didn’t wrap them too tightly did I?” Benja asked with concern etched in his voice.

“It’s good, Ba. Thank you. I suppose now I need to get rid of this wreck,” Raya sighed. Turning her attention to the floor with the shattered glass made her cringe because of how much work needed to be done. The glass shattered into very tiny pieces. Man, she really didn’t think this through.

“Dewdrop, you’re exhausted and injured. I’m more than happy to send a couple maids up here,” Benja told her. Then he reassessed the damage and realized how bad it was. “Or maybe a small army of maids, but the point still stands.”

“No, don’t make the poor maids suffer because of my breakdown. I’ll clean it up, it’s fine. I can make it work even with the bandages. It was kind of on purpose so I’d feel bad making them do it,” Raya sighed, waving her ba off.

She grabbed an empty bag that was originally used to transport fresh vegetables and crouched down to start picking up the glass shards. To Raya’s surprise, her father crouched down and also began picking up shards.

“Ba, it’s okay, I can clean it up myself. I’m not a kid anymore,” Raya told him.

“Well I know that, but I’m still your ba. Just because you can do something alone doesn’t mean you have to. It’s my job as a father to help my daughter clean up her messes, no matter how old she is,” Benja said.

Raya said no words but flung her arms around him. Her ba wasted no time in wrapping both arms around her tightly, almost afraid to let go. The Heart princess bit back another sob when she realized she felt protected in her father’s arms again. She needed that talk more than she realized. The Heart princess still sniffled a bit and tried regaining her composure.

“Since you’re so adamant about helping me clean my messes, I sorta kinda may have threatened to burn Namaari alive and had huge screaming match with her so if there’s any way you could do some damage control for that, I’d be eternally grateful,” Raya laughed nervously as they slowly pulled away from each other.

“I’ll handle it,” her ba sighed. “I see that violent charm you had as a child hasn’t changed throughout the years. You definitely got that from your mother.”

“Hey, don’t pawn off all my bad traits on Ma. Poor woman can’t even defend herself,” the princess joked as she proceeded to clean up the glass shards.

“I know she would have done the same to me, we understood each other that way,” her father chuckled.

Benja reached forward to grab a piece of glass but winced before he even got hold of it.

“You alright back there? You didn’t cut yourself, did you?” Raya asked.

“No, I’m fine. My knees just started really hurting all of a sudden,” her father frowned.

“Oh ba, just sit down and let me clean up myself. I wouldn’t want you to hurt your old man knees,” Raya grinned. Amusement was shining in her eyes as her ba pulled the most offended face he could muster.

“Excuse you, I am not old! I have not aged a day since I’ve been turned to stone! In fact, I haven’t aged at all. I’m still thirty five!” Benja spat indignantly.

“I don’t know ba, I see those grey hairs,” Raya laughed knowing full well there was not a single strand of grey on his head.

“Wait are you serious?” Benja asked as he brought one of the bigger glass shards to his face to examine his reflection. “I’m telling you right now that if there is a grey strand in here I’m grounding you because it was definitely your fault.”

The Heart princess began absolutely cackling at the sight of her father’s distressed face. After a very in depth examination Benja was able to come to the conclusion that Raya was pulling his leg.

“You’re just lucky,” her ba huffed.

“Yeah, I really am,” Raya said sincerely.

With these horrible barriers broken down, both father and daughter worked tirelessly to pick up the pieces, one step at a time.

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