#inspired by the fact that i just watched 2001 tonight and thought it was not fucking worth it

[mikumutual]

it's possible that i have bad taste in cinema. i thought the first scene in scream was so poorly acted that i genuinely thought it was a fake movie that the real protagonist was watching. i thought 2001 a space odyssey was fucking incomprehensible and had five sentences worth of plot such that a 140 minute movie could've been condensed down to 20. i thought cocaine bear was good because even if the story was lacking it delivered on the promise that it was about a bear doing cocaine. i will never be a film critic

[geekgemsspooksandtoons]

The Journals Of Derek Grady Part 1

This is a story set within my Bioshock Rebirth AU. A reimaging/reboot of the Bioshock franchise. https://geekgemsspookyblog.tumblr.com/post/626141727587270656/bioshock-rebirth-timeline-this-is-a-timeline-of-an Just as a heads up if anyone is wondering about the context. I’ve had some stories in my drafts for a long time now and I’m finally publicly sharing them.

I made a post talking about this. There is this character named Derek that was in one of my pilot stories for this AU. But I felt strangely ashamed of how I wrote him. But I’d feel it’s best to use him in better context. In something very intriguing. Mainly the point of view of the Rapture Civil War from someone who fought in it. 

There is this silly theme of certain characters being named Derek in some AU’s of mine. Usual they are men that seem well intentioned, but their mind isn’t always in the best place. I’m just gonna make this because this is something I wanna make.

This was first started/made on December 23rd 2020. I’m not gonna have this beta read. It’s time I just upload this shit. I got the two tags done with. But I would like to mention I was heavily or so inspired by the Star Wars Battlefront 2 Classic story. Especially with the first journal from this character being inspired by the, “Knightfall” level. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2lgG2ENW5Ac Spoilers ahead.

12/31/2001. The attack on the Kashmir restuarant.

I was a young kid when I first arrived in Rapture. I was naïve like many others. Many of used to believe in Andrew Ryan’s so called, “Great Chain”, until things started to fall apart. Especially after the death of scumbag Frank Fontaine. I find it funny he tried to put on a nice guy act whenever he met someone new or when he was in public, but I’ve heard the stories. The stories of the type of man he was.

But after Ryan nationalized Fontaine Futuristics in January 1999, a lot of people weren’t happy. It was surprising how long it took something to happen. So much dividing of social classes, so much shit that had happened during those years. What was gonna happen tonight would change everything forever...

I’ve been on Atlas’s crew of bandits since July. I felt joining Atlas was the best decision I made in my entire life. Because I felt I fighting for the right thing, a good cause. But what Atlas had planned sounded to me almost like terrorism. 

Yet when I thought about it, I really thought hard to myself. After everything we’ve suffered, how Ryan started to push everyone away, how he tried keep himself in power. Even though Rapture was supposed to be the perfect paradise...Andrew Ryan, Brigid Tenenbaum, Augustus Sinclair, Sander Cohen, Yi Suchong, Sofia Lamb, and so many others...how they treated us.

First it was just riots, but now it was time for Ryan and everyone who supported him knew what we were. What we stood for. They were gonna find out we weren’t some bandits who kidnapped some rich assholes to get payback or robin hood archetypes helping poor folks. 

There was no more talk for peace. Because Ryan never gave a damn...he never did.

1/31/2002. The Civil War starting. Apollo Square. Atlas and crew.

It’s been a month since we launched an attack on Kashmir. Things started to really change because the war for this city finally had truly begun. I have never been in war, but with the skills I’ve learned from Atlas and Daisy. I’d felt I was ready, because I needed to be. Not many of us were actual soldiers. But that didn’t matter to us. We knew what had to be done.

But we didn’t knew that Ryan would try to make Apollo Square a prison camp. Yet that didn’t matter, when those so called security officers first started to set people ablaze when they tried escaping. We shot any who would tried to do such things again. When they were hanging people, we fought back because we got tired of their bullshit. We didn’t fuck around. I felt proud when I shot one of those damn officers in the head. 

Apollo Square was practically our paradise. Sure Ryan’s army kept trying to get in, yet we always defended it. Yet even without Ryan, we still had others to worry about.

I feel pretty damn grateful a lot of our weapons were smuggled from the surface. We kept some of the weapons Ryan’s men had as well. 

But I think what I felt more grateful was our leaders. Daisy Fitzroy was practically Atlas’s 2nd in command. She was a tough woman, she didn’t take shit. Considering she worked for that weird kinky lady known as Ava Tate, I can’t blame her becoming that. She’s one of the bravest and smartest women I’ve fought with. I’m surprised she didn’t form our rebellion first.

Bill was lucky enough to be convinced by Atlas to join us after he resigned from the council. But Bill was like us. Even though he believed in Rapture, he was just an old man who wanted the best for people. I found that admirable of him. I also think he’s grateful we hid his ass after he left Ryan. Considering how Ryan gets upset with whoever betrays him, he’d rather want them dead...yet that might of been different considering he was best friends with Ryan himself. 

Diane was new, she was a hostage once with Julie Langford. But when Ryan never paid her ransom and practically didn’t care for her. But I do think she noticed those Jasmine Jolene posters throughout the city, making Ryan’s betrayal seemingly more worse. She originally came to Apollo Square to yell at us of how we possibly ruined her life. But when she saw the shit we were going through, she soon understood even more of the situation. Especially when we heard it wasn’t made better when hearing Ryan’s thoughts on people like us.

She joined us rather quickly, she was like Bill in a way. Diane was honestly a kind woman, it always felt nice to have more supporters. I do find it surprising from what I’ve seen that her and Daisy seemed to have developed a thing. Yet I found it surprisingly adorable...mainly because it was so strange to see Daisy seem soft to another person. But I think it gave the ladies more of a reason to keep fighting on.

But Atlas...he was something else. There was a reason people followed him. I followed him for plenty of good reasons. He seemed like a action hero you see out of those films from Hollywood. But I have never met a man so kind, yet so humble. He was the best of us...or that’s what I thought. You can have a good laugh with him too while having a drink. The man had a family, but he didn’t spoke of them much to keep them safe. I also remember hearing he was a captain in the Irish army. Which gave us an advantage in some ways over Ryan’s men.

He was the perfect anti-thesis to Andrew Ryan. Atlas was someone many genuinely respected and loved. Men wanted to be him, women loved him. To me and others. He wasn’t just a friend. Atlas was sometimes like a brother, or even a father.

Sure he wasn’t perfect and did some questionable things. But we knew it was for the best. Atlas is our best shot at winning this war. And I’m proud to fighting side by side with him, no matter what. 

2/1/2002. Johnny Topside.

I never met the man, but Atlas knew him only for a year. The way he talked about Johnny. I’ve heard stories of him, well that’s because Atlas didn’t want his memory to die. Atlas said Johnny Topside was a diver who had discovered Rapture years ago and for sometime was forced to live in Rapture until he finally had enough. 

Johnny Topside was the start of our rebellion. He was the one that planted the seeds. Johnny was the first to stand up to Ryan, but it resulted in tragedy. No one knows fully what happened to him. But Atlas said Ryan had tried to erase Johnny’s memory from history, and that it was very likely he may of been turned into...a Big Daddy...the idea of that horrifies me.

When Atlas spoke of him, he spoke of him so highly. Saying that Johnny was like a younger brother to him. You could of even seen at times Atlas nearly choked up when talking about him. I can’t blame him, losing someone that was like a brother to him. I’ve would of been nearly tearing up.

The story of Johnny Topside was something that kept us going, it inspired us. Hell, it even inspired me. Atlas didn’t want his memory to die, because what he was doing wasn’t just for everyone. But it was also justice for Johnny...justice for everyone that had enough of Ryan.

My only disappointment is that I never got to meet Johnny...because when Atlas says he’d would rather had him lead us...that says a helluva lot about Topside.

2/3/2002. Booker Dewitt and Ryan’s personal guard.

I’ve heard the stories of Dewitt...he merely sounded like a ghost. But he wasn’t. This was the man that shot down Fontaine, and most likely helped captured Johnny Topside.

Captain Dewitt was known to the citizens as, “The Grim Reaper Of Rapture” and he damn well earned it. But he was also Ryan’s new best friend after Bill left. Dewitt kept Ryan’s enemies in check. Whether by killing them when no one was looking, or capturing them. 

Security was fine, but Ryan’s personal guard and when Dewitt was leading them...that was scary. I think what scared us rebels was whenever he showed up. He always wore that mask...which gave him more of a reason to call him a grim reaper...because he damn sure was.

Ryan’s personal guard weren’t just police officers enforcing Ryan’s rule, they were literal soldiers. They were formed when Johnny Topside had discovered Rapture. The guard was basically a better version of security.

They were made up of men who either genuinely believed in the, “Great Chain” or just were looking to be paid by Ryan. Some of them were ex soldiers, mercenaries, and they were all just horrible people. 

The guard weren’t pushovers, they had years of experience or training by Dewitt. They were merciless, brutal, and effective. The fact Ryan had now decided to use them even more now showcased he truly wasn’t fucking around anymore. He wanted to win this war. But we weren’t gonna let that happen.

I think we were just thankful they didn’t really use Plasmids...if they did...then I felt this war may be over already. But it also gives us a easier chance to kill them all.

2/15/2002. Splicers.

Over the years since ADAM was discovered. Splicers became thing. Poor folks who used too spliced too much...they were once people...but they were sadly monsters now. I think what surprised us is how some of them were on our side...but not many. Unless they controlled themselves.

The Splicers of many types were a pain in the ass for Ryan and Atlas. Killing the rebels or Ryan’s personal guard. They had no allegiance...all they wanted was ADAM...they were basically drug addicts. I remember seeing one time a woman shanking a man for his ADAM, we had to put her down.

I didn’t really use Plasmids much, or some of the others like Atlas, Daisy, Diane, and Bill. It seemed good for Atlas that some of the rebels didn’t try to splice up. Which meant we can deal with less people turning into those...things.

There was one time I had to put down one of them. The man was just 21, but he had spliced up so much that he had gone insane. He tried attacking Daisy and Diane, but me and Daisy took him down shot him in the chest. But he was still breathing.

...I shot him in the head...I hesitated at first for about five seconds...he was younger than me. I wanted to make his death as quick and painless...it gave me a haunting reminder of why we were still fighting. All this pain and suffering...it started with the discover of that damn thing called ADAM...

I’m surprised I haven’t spoken about Tenenbaum yet...I feel like she was 2nd in place for me to kill after Ryan.

3/15/2002. Big Daddies, Little Sisters, and Brigid Tenenbaum.

I think the other thing that haunts me a lot and so many others is these two...I’ve seen them countless times and I have fought them when I joined Atlas.

Big Daddies are practically these...monsters that used to be people...slaves to protect what were once literal children...

These monsters looked like literal giant diving suits at times...some had drills, some had guns. They were tough sons of bitches. These things could kill a man easily, or even a group of a men if you weren’t careful. 

But it’s the Little Sisters that horrify me and other rebels...not because they are dangerous or that they are killers. It’s the fact of what they are. They were children...or possibly still are...forced to collect ADAM because they were implanted with some...damn sea slug Tenenbaum discovered...

There is no known cure for them. I think many of us want a cure. But the only way to help these girls is something horrific...harvesting them. Atlas said it was to put them out of their misery. They had ADAM in them.

From what I’ve seen, some rebels harvested them, some didn’t. Daisy didn’t do it. Neither did Diane or Bill. I remember seeing Atlas making the most sickened face after harvesting one, he didn’t enjoy it at all.

I think it may of bothered Atlas some didn’t harvest them...but it’s understandable why some wouldn’t. Because I remember seeing one 37 year old man, after he had harvested just one Little Sister. The man about 5 minutes later literally put a pistol under his jaw and killed himself.

We all understood why he even did that. Because after you witness a child being horrified by you about to harvest them...it’s a sight you’re never going to forget.

I can still hear those girls screaming. Daisy and Diane do too...it’s in our nightmares. For some reason...the harvesting of a Little Sister scars me than seeing a Splicer or whatever else...I don’t know why...I think it’s because all that innocence was lost...or actually taken. Because there was no other way to help them.

It was all because of one woman, Brigid Tenenbaum. I heard she worked with Frank Fontaine to help make those girls into what they are. I’ve heard she’s had a hard life, but that doesn’t excuse what I find one of the most horrific crimes I’ve ever seen. She’s been in hiding for 4 years after being exposed for what she did.

If we ever find Tenenbaum...I want to put my foot on her throat...whatever what we want to do to her. To be honest, I think I want to kill her more than Ryan...because I don’t know how you can be forgiven for doing that to a child.

God forgives, and whenever I have to put down a fellow rebel because they spliced up too much, I make it quick and painless as possible...but Tenenbaum...quick and painless is not gonna mean anything if we ever find her. 

6/3/2002. SOS and Archie Wynand.

After six months of war with Ryan’s personal guard and the Splicers. Whether some were controlled or not...things were going south for us. We fought hard, we planned as best as we could. But nothing was working, because Ryan was nearly winning.

There was panic among us, we were fearing that all of this could be for nothing. But Atlas revealed something, which he said was a risk in case. He somehow gave an SOS message to the surface to whoever would get it. Because he knew we weren’t gonna win this on our own anymore. We needed help, we needed the surface to discover Rapture. But also, we needed someone to help us take down Ryan. It was on Sunday Atlas gave out the message for help. We prayed someone would answer it. Luckily for us, someone did answer it.

Despite his aircraft was shot down by Ryan, and being the only survivor of his squad. Someone had arrived. That someone was a young man named Sergeant Archie Wynand. An Army Ranger sent by the US Government to discover where the SOS came from. 

To be honest, I was worried by the fact only one man had survived. I’d feared we still didn’t stand a chance. But after I saw that man enter combat and killed so many Splicers, I have never seen a man fought hard like that. He was still young like me, but he was like a commando in his way. It was as if someone like Atlas again had come to save us. 

Me and him never really talked, but from what I’ve seen. That man is the bravest soul I’ve ever seen. He’s loyal to a fault and unbreakable, it was like seeing a warrior unlike any other. I will admit, I felt a bit jealous when Atlas has giving him a lot more attention than me. 

But Archie was important. Atlas sent him commands and he followed through. But I think what confused me the most was something Atlas had revealed earlier. Which resulted in ordering Archie to go to a certain building, a tower in the middle of Rapture. 

6/4/2002. Elizabeth.

A day before Archie had arrived. There was this strange new information Atlas had discovered. That there was some girl in this tower in Rapture. Her name was Elizabeth. Atlas had discovered it when raiding a building near that tower. 

We were so confused on why Ryan had a girl in this tower. In fact? Why was she there? Who was she really? Even Atlas was confused, but she seemed important.

But I feel our questions were answered when Archie saved her. I didn’t get to talk to her personally, but I have seen her in action with my own eyes. Along with some footage. 

Somehow, this young girl had some powers of an unknown source. She was able to summon old sentries, and other things. It felt unnatural. Sure the Plasmids and other discoveries in Rapture were very special...but what this girl could do...it made us question even more who the hell she was and why Ryan had her locked away.

Gonna admit though, she was honestly adorable.

6/5/2002. Elizabeth’s purpose, and what the Hell is Archie? What the Hell is going on?

I think it horrified me and the rebels of what Elizabeth was supposed to be. Why she was kept secret from Rapture. What Atlas had discovered more is that she was secretly a weapon Ryan would use in case against someone like us. A sleeper agent that would of slipped through our ranks or anyone else...almost like a female fatale Ryan wanted to make personally...it confused me because from what I’ve seen, she’s nothing like that.

But I think we surprised us more is that she had been in Rapture since 1983. For about 19 years, Ryan had her in there, with hardly anyone knowing. I think it sickened me a bit more hearing Ryan was gonna use a young woman as a secret weapon in case someone like Atlas came along. It was almost like what happened with the Little Sisters.

Yet the other thing that’s been on my mind is Archie. I’ve talked about how much of a warrior he was. Ever since he rescued Elizabeth, she’s been by his side ever since. I haven’t seen such a effective team. It was like they were perfect for each other.

But again, it’s Archie that has me thinking. Sure he’s a soldier...but compared to any of us...and even compared to Ryan’s personal guard. I have never seen a man be so efficient in what he does. This was a young man, yet he fought like he was like some sort of super soldier. Hell, I don’t even think Atlas and Daisy are that efficient. He’s fast and strong.

He was also using so many Plasmids without mutating. I couldn’t get it? He wasn’t becoming spliced up. I couldn’t believe it? I had lost count of how many times he injected a Eve Hypo into his wrists.

I think the scary part is how many Big Daddies he’s killed...how can one man kill so many. I didn’t understand it? But from what I’ve seen from footage is...him curing the Little Sisters...I couldn’t believe it.

Where were he and Elizabeth staying at? I heard Atlas yesterday say they were at Tenenbaum’s...I couldn’t understand...I’m confused...

6/5/2002 A bigger Big Daddy.

I didn’t understand nor could I comprehend what I had witnessed. Ever since Archie arrived...things were changing. What made me think this way was when I saw...something I didn’t think was possible.

Out of all the Big Daddies we’ve killed. I had never seen one so big. He was about 12 feet tell...he looked older than any of the Big Daddies. He looked similar to the Alpha series Big Daddies...I couldn’t understand. I was lucky to have lived, but I witness it killed so many rebels, Splicers, and Ryan’s army. This Big Daddy was vicious. It seemed like he was on a mission. As if he was tracking down Elizabeth.

I’m just in disbelief...I don’t understand.

I was a witness also to see Elizabeth teleport it somewhere...I think it’s dead...I’m not sure.

6/6/2002. The war soon coming to an end.

To be honest, I was fearing we may never win. But somehow we made it. Captain Dewitt was beaten yesterday, and now Ryan is soon to be dealt with. 

I’ve learned from Atlas that Tenenbaum had created a cure for the Little Sisters...I couldn’t believe it when I heard it. I asked him again if he was telling the truth, and he was. That’s why Archie and Elizabeth were staying with Tenenbaum somewhere. 

It still sounded so crazy. But the next piece of news is that these three would be coming to Atlas’s headquarters, our base of operations. I couldn’t believe I was seeing Tenenbaum...I had...weird feelings.

The plans were while Archie and others went to Ryan’s office to finally take him down. There was hardly anyone left to defend him. While Elizabeth and Dr. Tenenbaum stayed at Atlas’s headquarters. It...an experience meeting this young girl...even after everything she’d been through, but so kind. 

But I wasn’t gonna be staying for long either like Archie. Atlas sent me and some men to take over Fort Folic considering Archie and Elizabeth’s recent visit there. As if the freak that was Sander Cohen had finally left somewhere. It was no longer locked up.

I felt genuine hope for the first time. As if this whole nightmare will finally end. But I will admit, I wanted to kill Ryan as much as anybody else. I had my orders, and I listened. Besides, taking back Fort Folic was a huge win

I do recall Ryan playing golf at times. Hopefully when Archie gets to his office, he’ll beat the Walt Disney lookalike of a fuckhead with his own golf club. It’s what Ryan deserved...it’s what many of us wanted.

6/7/2002. Atlas...and the end...

...I don’t even know what to say...the war is over...it’s actually over...

But it didn’t end with Ryan dying or getting captured...

Atlas...our leader...my hero...my best friend...the anti-thesis to Ryan...was Frank Fontaine.

He’s dead...he was brutally hung...by Archie...his corpse is hanging for everyone to see...he...looks like half of a monster.

Everything we’ve done...everything we stood for...I feel betrayed, but I feel relived. I think others are feeling a similar way...I need no I want answers...

6/8/2002. The birth of the Vox Populi. Tenenbaum discovering these journals.

I think what happened on Thursday and Friday...changed so many of us...even myself...I thank Daisy and Diane for explaining it to me.

There was a huge meeting with the remaining rebels. Archie, Elizabeth, and Dr. Tenenbaum joined in as well. So many discussions were had. Rapture was finally ours...

While Splicers were still a thing, and some rich assholes were still around. Considering half of the city was still going, but we came together to formulate a plan. 

There won’t be another Andrew Ryan, or even another Frank Fontaine. The end of the Rapture Civil War was only the beginning of something much better. 

We weren’t just called rebels anymore, we were officially given a name now. The Vox Populi. It was Daisy’s idea for the name. We were basically the reformed version of Atlas’s rebellion. But now, we had genuine people who actually gave a damn. Who wouldn’t use us as puppets. That we will strive for a better tomorrow. 

For peace, a better community. So we can help out every Little Sister we can find out there, and help whoever else is in Rapture. We’re gonna make this shithole of a city a better living place. No more tyrants, no more conmen, no more rulers, just people wanting to make this place a better place for everyone.

Justice, peace, and all that...I think many of us are still getting over what happened with Atlas...I’m still getting used to it...I’m just grateful it’s over.

But before this the huge meeting, Dr. Tenenbaum discovered my journals...she read what I wrote about her...our struggles. I apologized to her, but she said it’s okay. She said she doesn’t blame me for being angry. I think what surprised me more was the one person that her the most was herself...

For some odd reason, I forgave her...she just stared at me with surprise. She gave me a small smile...and then I said I think I could forgive her after everything she’s tried doing to fix her mistakes. Because I told her trying to fix your mistakes is better than doing nothing.

[dyketectivecomics]

JUST finished watching Superman vs the Elite for the first time (& a little surprised that I hadn’t seen it before since it apparently came out a good 8 yrs ago???)

Anyways Head Full, Many Thoughts, all hopefully under this cut if tunglr decides to act right (otherwise will throw a “long post” tag for those of yall who dont want to scroll for miles)

So the FIRST thing that struck me was the animation style ofc!!! Because this pre-dated B*urassa and his awful style hadnt yet permeated to the dc movies, it was very fresh to watch!!! Bouncy and lively and flowy and above all so EXPRESSIVE!!! The dogfight scene especially had me absolutely THRILLED, but every big combat in this movie had such Energy that I havent seen from a DCAO movie in far too long!!

Normally especially when Talking Head scenes happen I have a very bad tendency to check my phone, but even lower energy scenes had interesting Movement to them, not a single frame was I tempted to avert my eyes for even a fraction of a second.

Again, that might just be because when we’ve gone so long without something to break the monotony of animation style, anything new feels Fresh and Interesting... But I dont think that was entirely the case here.

I dont know how else to explain it, other than that it feels like a lot of love went into the animation for this movie, and I think that partly, its because this felt like such an important Superman story. Which leads me to...

The fact that this story felt so wonderfully, quintessentially Superman.

There is a time and a place to enjoy stories of rogue agents with a Might Makes Right policy, or hell, even to enjoy a tale of small forces overthrowing oppressive regimes. But the reverse of this idea, of that small force taking things a step too far with little to no oversight-

That’s exactly the kind of thing for Superman.

Because Superman still considers himself an American above all else, behold to our ideals and the idea that Good will prevail. That the greater part of humanity will choose to be better. And that though he holds a lot of power, he is still beholden to the people and to protect them, to stand up to injustice and maintain peace.

Now I haven’t read the issue that this movie adapted itself from (will remedy that tonight since its apparently a single-issue), but given the context of when it was published, and when this movie was released (in 2001 and 2012, respectively), I feel like its just as, if not more, relevant now as it was then.

Because with a Global pandemic looming, the 2020 presidential election only a month away, and our country in such a horrible state of disarray, this is exactly the kind of story I needed to see.

That there will be people to take a stand against injustice, and against those who stand against the very foundations of Truth and Justice. That we can come out of this, no matter how bleak things feel. That we should be hopeful, and believe that there’s a fundamental goodness that will outshine all of the worst that humanity may offer.

I tend to stray from Superman stories because typically, I prefer ones on a smaller scale, that deal moreso with interpersonal dramas or have elements of true crime/smaller crimes or otherwise would have some inherently supernatural element to pique my interest. But that doesnt make these grandiose ideals and larger scale conflicts all the less important.

Because stories about larger acts of terror have their place in comics as well, and a character as big as Superman is sometimes one of the only ones to handle them. A character who at his core, is meant to stand for that hope that we damn well need from time to time. An idea that I didnt realize I needed in my life, even for just a nice little hopeful moment.

(And god i really wish i could end it on that note, but I want to also squeeze in the fact that Lois & Clarks interactions in this movie were really cute and just. Overall i really liked it. I’ll probably look more into Manchester Black & the Elite later because I found them compelling and remember seeing them briefly in my Damian reading and obvsly a little in Supergirl before I think I dropped off paying attention to the show BUT. they’re a topic for another time)

ANYWAYS. I Enjoyed it. Gonna read the issue its inspired from now real quick. Plz give it a watch from something really nice, uplifting and just plain FUN to watch.

[adorkablephil]

Fic: The Roles We Play (4)

Title: The Roles We Play Summary: Dan Howell and Phil Lester work together as voice actors for BBC radio dramas in the late 1930s, but slowly begin to develop “inappropriate” feelings for each other Rating: G Word Count: 3,046 (this chapter) Tags: Strangers to Friends to Lovers, Historical AU, 1930s, BBC, Radio, Actors AU, Slow Burn, Love Letters, Past Character Death, Grief, Angst Author’s Note: This fic was inspired by the @phanfichallenge 20k History Challenge. A bazillion thanks, as always, to my amazing beta, India! See my note on the first chapter regarding historical inaccuracies.

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[ All Chapters Masterlist ]

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18 March 2001

Kathleen should have gone home about an hour ago, but she’d found herself unable to put down the letters emerging from the shoebox. She needed to know more! She wanted to know how it all turned out … and yet she wasn’t willing to cheat by skipping to the letters in the bottom of the box. She wanted to read each in its turn, following the story as it had unfolded in these men’s real lives.

She had also fallen hopelessly in love with Great-Uncle Dan and wished desperately that she’d gotten a chance to know him. If Phil Lester’s letters to him were any indication, Daniel Howell had been an incredibly wonderful person well worth loving.

Picking up her phone, she called her husband to tell him what was happening. He, too, expressed curiosity and urged her to stay as late as she liked. He would give the kids their dinner and even put them to bed if necessary. “No,” Kathleen objected. “I’ll be home before bedtime, I promise. I just want to read a few more letters.”

“Order in some food,” her husband, Stuart, insisted. “Look on their fridge. Even crusty old men probably have takeaway menus on their refrigerator. Have some dinner, read some more letters, and come home when you’re ready. You can always go back tomorrow to read more. Or bring the box with you.”

Kathleen shook her head, even though she knew Stuart couldn’t see her. “It would feel wrong to take the shoebox out of the house,” she explained. “I can’t explain it, but I don’t even want to move it off the table. My great-uncle had it open here—left it here perhaps the night before he died in his bed—and it seems disrespectful to move something so precious to him away from where he left it.”

“Well,” Stuart replied slowly, “you will eventually have to sell the house. And probably the table, as well.”

Kathleen laughed. “I know. I don’t need to leave it here forever … just … maybe until I’ve finished reading all the letters. Then I can pack them up and take them home. Save them somewhere special.”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Stuart agreed gently. He was a good man. “Just make sure to eat something and don’t stay too late. Remember, you can go back tomorrow.”

“Yes, sweetheart. I’ll see you in perhaps two hours.” They said their goodbyes, and Kathleen wandered into the house’s tidy kitchen. All of the cabinet doors were slightly ajar for some reason, so she shut them. Such things disturbed her sense of order, and she wondered why her Great-Uncle Dan would have left the doors open like that. Did he honestly not notice or care? Or had it been some odd personal choice she could not understand? Did he have some reason for preferring them that way?

As Stuart had predicted, there were indeed a number of takeaway menus on the refrigerator. The one on top was for Domino’s Pizza, so Kathleen decided to order from them in honor of this house’s former occupants and their apparent culinary preferences. She phoned and was asked if she would like the usual order for that address, with all the dips. “Er … no,” she replied, and then ordered herself a simple, small pepperoni pizza. She also helped herself to some Ribena from the kitchen, where she found an entire drawer full of bottles of the stuff. It helped her feel more connected to them, as if she were somehow drinking their favorite drink with them. She raised her glass in a toast to Daniel Howell and Philip Lester, still uncertain whether Philip had been her great-uncle’s “housemate” or if Dan had found some other love later in life. She very much hoped that this had been Dan and Philip’s home together.

Waiting for the food to be delivered, sipping her glass of Ribena, she returned to the kitchen table and eagerly picked up the next letter.

-

4 August 1939

My most beloved Daniel,

In my lonely house at night, I think only of you. I re-read your letters and hold them to my heart. I think of the sweet words you have written and wish that I could hear them spoken by your lips.

I fear I am utterly besotted. Will you laugh at me? I think not, for I believe you share the intensity of my feelings, but I sometimes feel so alone, isolated in my inability to speak to you on these topics directly. Every time your eyes meet mine, I feel as if I have missed a step on a flight of stairs, as if I am suddenly falling. And, as when falling, I am not entirely without fear, but I like to imagine my fall ending with me landing in your arms.

Fancifully yours, Philip

-

There were many such papers: some proper love letters and others simple short notes. Kathleen’s pizza arrived, and she began eating absentmindedly, her attention still primarily on the letters from the shoebox. She held them far away from the pizza, however, lest pizza grease stain anything. She would rather risk pizza sauce falling on her own clothing than besmirch her great-uncle’s love letters.

-

18 September 1939

My Beloved Daniel,

Today during the radio broadcast, you touched my hand by chance, and I found myself momentarily unable to speak. You may perhaps be a negative influence upon my career, and yet I want only to feel the touch of your hand again and again. I want to hold your hand in mine and press a gentle kiss to your palm.

With these thoughts in mind, I will seek sleep tonight in my lonely bed and mail this upon the morrow so that I may hope to inspire dreams of you as long as the letter remains in my possession. In truth, I dream of you most nights, and expect tonight will be no different. I hope you also dream of me.

Yours always and forever, Philip

-

The doorbell rang again, surprising Kathleen. She looked at her watch to see that it was now early evening, and she should really leave this work behind and return to her family soon. She wondered who might be at the door, and so went to answer it. An older lady with bright red hair showing gray at the roots smiled in a very friendly fashion from the doorstep. “You must belong to one of my boys,” the woman said unexpectedly.

“One of your boys?” Kathleen repeated in confusion.

“Oh, my, yes. My Danny and Philly. Much older than me, of course, but still my boys. I’m Bernice, their neighbor these past … oh … more than twenty years. Nearly thirty, now, in fact.” The woman shook her head sadly, then reached out to take Kathleen’s hand and pat it gently between her own. “You must feel their loss even more keenly than I do.” And then somehow the woman was coming into the house, though Kathleen could not remember having invited her by word or by gesture. Bernice boldly went into the kitchen and made herself a glass of Ribena, then commented softly, “Oh. Someone closed the cabinets. Was that you?”

Kathleen nodded. “I don’t know why they were all open; perhaps a flaw in the construction? But seeing them all open like that bothered me, so I closed them. Why do you ask?”

Bernice smiled sadly. “It always bothered Dan, too. Phil was always leaving the cabinets open, and Dan always chided him about it. They bickered like the old married couple they were, you know.” Kathleen was happy to hear her hopes realized: It was Phil Lester with whom her great-uncle had gotten to spend his elder years. But the odd woman had continued speaking, her voice quiet and reverential. “After his dear Philip died, though, I came every day to visit poor Daniel to make sure that he was eating properly. He grieved so deeply, you know. I noticed the open cabinets and asked him about it, and do you know what that sweet boy said? He told me, ‘If the cabinet doors are open, then I feel like Phil might still be in the house, so I daren’t close them or face the fact that he is truly gone.’ Of course, he himself was gone not long after. Couldn’t live without his love, I think. They were the closest two people I’ve ever known, those two.”

Feeling a sudden upwelling of affection for this woman who had apparently cared deeply for the two men Kathleen had only begun to know through the letters, she smiled and said, “I’m Kathleen Banks, Daniel Howell’s great-niece. I didn’t know him well, and I didn’t know Philip Lester at all, so I would love to hear stories about them. I do wish I’d had the chance to know them before they died.”

Bernice looked Kathleen up and down and replied tartly, “Looks to me like you had at least forty years of opportunity, missy. It’s a mite late to be regretting now.”

Kathleen blushed, feeling as if she needed to explain herself to a woman she’d never even met before 10 minutes ago. “Great-Uncle Dan was estranged from the family my entire life, and I didn’t even know that Philip Lester existed until I began reading his letters today. My family told me that Great-Uncle Dan lived with another Army pensioner to help pay the rent, but that was obviously a lie. Given the way my family seems to have treated him, I don’t know if he would even have been open to knowing me.”

Bernice put her hands on her sizeable hips and shook her head in disbelief. “Well, of course he would have, child! It was only his own family that wouldn’t have him! Or, at least, that’s what dear Philly told me over tea one time when Dan was away. His mother’s funeral, I think it was, and Phil said it was one of the few times the family would even let him near. But of course Phil could not go with him. Danny never talked about his family, but I know Phil hurt for him.”

Kathleen frowned deeply. “I didn’t know,” she told Bernice. “No one ever talked about him, and I guess I was just busy with my own life, and I never thought…”

“Yes, yes,” Bernice interrupted her brusquely. “None of you ever thought of him. But that boy still had a family that loved him.”

Kathleen wanted to ask what family Bernice was referring to, but Bernice had walked up to a photo on the wall and smiled broadly at it. “Oh, those dogs. They loved those dogs. They’ve been gone 10 years or so now, but sweet Danny and Philly kept their photo on the wall.” Kathleen went to look and saw a photograph of two very happy-looking corgis with tongues lolling in doggy smiles at the camera. “The boys walked those dogs twice a day, every day, and it was often the only time they left the house. They liked their own company, you know—didn’t go out much. If I hadn’t stopped by so often to bring them proper food, they would have had pizza delivered every night.”

Kathleen glanced guiltily at the kitchen table, where her pizza still sat a safe distance from Dan’s pile of keepsakes.

“Oh,” Bernice breathed, having followed Kathleen’s glance toward the table. “Dan’s box of memories. He went through that every day near the end. I can only imagine the things he loved deeply enough to save all those years and bring out constantly during those final days.” She sighed, sniffed, and quickly wiped a hand across one of her eyes. She cleared her throat and added, “Well, I suppose it’s only fair that someone from his family be permitted to read the things he held most dear, though the whole lot should most likely be given to those what loved him when you’re finished.” Bernice gave her a steely-eyed glance.

“I think I’ve been coming to love him by seeing him through Phil’s eyes,” Kathleen admitted. “I wish so very much that I hadn’t lost a chance I never even knew I had. He seems like a really lovely person.”

Bernice laughed. “Oh, he was a crotchety old goat much of the time, unlike his sweet Philly, but that Dan had a heart of gold under all that bluster. I do wish you had gotten to know him, as you seem like you might be one of his few relations that might have brought him joy.” Bernice paused. “As long as you loved Phil equally, of course. There was no Dan without Phil, no Phil without Dan. They were a matched pair, and you wouldn’t have gotten a second glance from your great-uncle if you didn’t accept that Phil meant the world to him.”

Kathleen felt tears sting her eyes. “I think that may be why he became so estranged from the family. I think there may have been family members who couldn’t accept their relationship. That’s my guess, anyway. But I can promise you this: If I had ever gotten to meet the Phil Lester who wrote those letters, I would have hugged him even more tightly than my own Great-Uncle Dan. I feel as if prejudice within my own family stole them both from my life, never giving me the opportunity to know them.”

“Oh, pooh!” said Bernice with a dismissive hand gesture. “They wouldn’t have wanted much company anyway! They liked to be on their own, in their own little world, just the two of them.” She seemed to see something in Kathleen’s face and added, “But if you ever want to hear stories about them, get to know them a bit after the fact, you come visit me any time you like. I live just next door at number 18.” Bernice went to wash out her Ribena glass and left it upside down in the dish drainer. “I should be getting home now. I just wanted to see who was over here, since I saw the light on and got curious.” She stepped close and shocked Kathleen by kissing her lightly on the cheek. “You seem a sweet girl. Come see me anytime you’d like to hear about your uncles, because I loved those boys dearly and will never tire telling stories about them.” She smiled sadly again, gave Kathleen another quick kiss on the cheek, and then opened the door and left without another word.

Stunned, Kathleen sat down again at the table. The congealed pizza no longer looked remotely appetizing, and she hated seeing it so close to those delicate and precious documents her great-uncle had saved so carefully. She put the remaining pizza in the refrigerator, knowing that she would be returning tomorrow and might be willing to snack on it then.

Just a couple more letters, she told herself. Maybe two more, then she would head home. There was still plenty of time before the kids needed to go to bed, and Kathleen didn’t want to leave quite yet, not after that emotional conversation with the neighbor.

-

31 December 1939

My love,

I was, of course, distraught to see you leave so soon after that most precious moment, but I know that you must spend part of the festive season with your own family. I cannot have your attention every moment of every day, no matter how much I may desire it. Please know that you are in my heart and in my thoughts always.

As I write this, I know that I shall see you this evening for our New Year’s Eve broadcast. I will see your lovely brown eyes turn to me and I will know the emotions and the memories behind that glance. We may shake hands or I may rest a hand upon your shoulder, but those small touches contain a multitude of emotions.

We start the new year by turning a beautiful new page. We may find ourselves not in a position to express our feelings as openly as we might like, but we two know the truth and share its inestimable beauty.

Yours most devotedly, Phil

-

Kathleen couldn’t help wondering about “that most precious moment,” and quickly picked up the next envelope, only to find that it did not contain a letter. Or, rather, it contained a form letter with relevant details stamped in ink.

-

NATIONAL SERVICE (ARMED FORCES) ACT, 1939 ENLISTMENT NOTICE Date: 15 JANUARY 1940 Mr. DANIEL JAMES HOWELL

DEAR SIR,

In accordance with the National Service (Armed Forces) Act, 1939, you are called upon for service in the ARMY and are required to present yourself on MONDAY 29 JAN 1940, at 10 a.m., or as early as possible thereafter on that day to:

RINGSTEAD BARRACKS MILL HILL RINGSTEAD DORSET NW7

A Travelling Warrant for your journey is enclosed. Before starting your journey you must exchange the warrant for a ticket at the booking office named on the warrant. If possible, this should be done a day or two before you are due to travel.

A Postal Order for 4s, in respect of advance of service pay, is also enclosed. Uniform and personal kit will be issued to you after joining H.M. Forces. Any kit that you take with you should not exceed an overcoat, change of clothes, stout pair of boots, and personal kit, such as razor, hair brush, tooth brush, soap and towel.

Immediately on receipt of this notice, you should inform your employer of the date upon which you are required to report for service.

Yours faithfully, James Alistair Davies Manager.

-

Kathleen found herself almost physically ill at the phrasing of the closing of the letter. “Yours faithfully”? Among all these letters from the truly faithful Phil Lester, a bureaucratic form from the British Army sending Daniel Howell off to World War II with a “Yours faithfully” made Kathleen nearly lose the pizza she’d eaten earlier.

She decided this was an excellent time to go home to the warm arms of her loving husband, who wouldn’t mind if she cried a little bit over events of decades past.

******

[ Continue to Chapter 5 ]

[roadtripwiththewinchesters-blog]

Going To California

A/N: 

Hello! Thank you for all the love. ‘Dead In The Water’ is taking me ages to write, so here’s a little something for you guys in the meantime. This extract will probably feature much later in the series, I’m thinking ‘Scarecrow’, but it totally works as a stand alone piece too. I took inspiration from the Led Zeppelin song ‘Going To California’ of course because I love them and it always makes me think of Sam, listen to it as you read! 

I’m starting a tag list, so if you would like to be added just drop me a message x

Word count: 2,949

Summary: You recount what happened the night Sam left for Stanford. Your best friend Sam shows up on your doorstep after the fight with his dad and Dean. The pair of you work out what to do next. You take him to the train station the next day, and give him something to help start his new life in California, but he does something in the moment that changes your entire relationship. 

I waited up for him that night. It was a mundane Tuesday, but Sam had called me with the latest family drama. All the time I had known the Winchesters, he and John had clashed.

He stood on my porch soaking wet from the storm, shaking from both anger and from the cold. I pulled him inside. 

My aunt and my brother had been asleep for hours. Sam was familiar with sneaking up to my room - the pair of us hanging out all night whenever he was in town, or researching a case well into the early hours of the morning - he knew which steps creaked and which didn’t. 

Joni liked Sam. She thought he was a good influence on me because he had always done well in school, regardless that he had no permanent address. We both knew that would change if she caught us together this late on a school night.  

Sam slipped into my room and I hurried down the hall to get a towel. I locked my door behind us and faced him. He sat on the edge of my bed, his head buried in his hands. Everything he owned was contained in a backpack and a duffel. I took one, rummaging through it to find him some dry clothes.

“Come on,” I said gently, holding them out for him. “You’re gonna freeze.” 

When he looked up, I noticed his lips were purple from the cold. He slipped through into mine and Gus’ adjoining bathroom, the door still ajar. I busied myself putting my books away to clear some space, ignoring the urge to watch his reflection in the mirror. He emerged a minute later, finally in something dry.

“What happened, Sam?” I finally asked him from across the room.

“I have to tell you something,” he said quietly. I stood staring at him, waiting, afraid of what he might say. Was he in trouble? Had he done something? I didn’t want to guess.

“There’s a letter in the front.” Sam nodded to his bag that lay at the foot of my bed.

I knelt beside it and extracted the envelope, tentatively flipping it over in my hands. It had already been torn open. I saw the words ‘Stanford University’, and knew exactly what he had done. A warmth poured into my chest as I fumbled with the papers. I read the words silently.

It is with great pleasure that I offer you admission to the Stanford University Class of 2001. Your thoughtful application and remarkable accomplishments convinced us that you have the intellectual energy…

My eyes continued to skim the words, but I realized I was no longer processing them. It dawned on me what I was holding – this was his ticket out of this life.  

“You did it,” I whispered, gawking at the page. “You’re out.”

 I suddenly realized why he had needed to come to me. “Oh my god, your dad flipped out?”

Sam nodded, drying his face with the towel. “I’ve never seen him so mad.”

“And Dean?” I asked. I hoped his older brother would have at least tried to be supportive.

“He was pretty pissed too-” Sam sat facing away from me, breathing hard, and I realized he was scared of what I thought. “Are you?” 

I took my place beside him, he had my full attention. “No, no,” I assured him softly. “Of course I’m not. Sam, I’m proud of you.” 

Whatever had been said tonight, it had really hurt him. I ran my hand up his arm and he hung his head.

“Dad said if I left, I should stay gone,” His voice broke under strain. I shook my head, disappointed that his dad had let him down again. Dammit John. “I didn’t know where else to go-”

When he started to cry, I realized I was mad at Dean. I didn’t believe that he was angry, he always wanted the best for his brother. Yet, here Sam was believing that his family had renounced him for doing something for himself for once. I gently took the towel out of his lap, tossing it aside. Sam tried to hide from me, burying his face in his hands as he sobbed, but I took them both and held him. 

“Dean loves you so much,” I told him. I was absolutely certain. “They both do.” I added, thinking of John and the extremes he had gone to over the years to keep his boys safe. “I think he’s just afraid of you going off on your own, and maybe… not being part of it, for once,” I suggested. I ran my fingers through his hair until he was calm again.

“When do you have to leave?” I inhaled, bracing myself for the answer.

His eyes were red and swollen, they met my own. “Induction starts in a few days. I was just gonna stop by to see you before-”

“Don’t go tonight,” I said without hesitation. “Stay here,” I half-asked, half told him. “Please.”

“You sure?” He asked, sitting upright.

“Are you kidding?” I said shortly, my eyebrows lightly raised.

He sighed. I could have sworn the expression he wore was relief. I don’t think he had any plans at all; no real place to go. I’d been damned if he slept on a bench at the train station. 

“Thanks. I don’t think trains actually run at this time anyway.” We both laughed.

Later that night we lay on my bed in the dark, both too restless to sleep.

“I’ll go with you to the station tomorrow,” I decided.

“Don’t you have school?”

“So, I’ll skip first period,” I rolled my eyes at him. I breathed in and out slowly. “You’re gonna have a whole new life. You could be anybody you want,” I reminded him. Sam stared up at the ceiling imagining it all. “You could have a new name?” I suggested grinning, rolling onto my stomach to see his reaction better.

“Hmm, I mean, we use aliases all the time,” Sam pointed out dubiously, interlocking his hands behind his head. “Maybe I could just be me.” He said much quieter. 

I wasn’t quite ready for the conversation to get deep. “Alright,” I said, as he shot down all my attempts to excite him about Stanford. “What are your plans anyway? Where are you going to stay until school starts?”

“I don’t know,” he admitted. “I guess I’ll figure it out when I get there.”

I couldn’t help but worry. I knew he didn’t have a lot of cash. My eyes trailed to the jewelry box balanced precariously on top of my wardrobe. 

“Okay, I’ve got one... You’re going to stay somewhere and it’s going to be… permanent,” I widened my eyes at him mocking horror.

Sam smirked. “Well it won’t be forever.” I could tell he was in denial.

“It’ll be for a few years at least,” I said. I didn’t think he could see it clearly.

“That’s not so permanent,” he said, trying to weigh it up. 

I tried to put it in perspective for him. “Sam, what’s the longest you’ve ever stayed in one place?” I prompted, knowing the answer.��

“About three weeks,” he admitted shortly. I pulled a face in response. “So, it might be weird at first,” he reasoned. “But having something permanent might be... kinda nice, for once.”

There was a silence. I suppressed a yawn, I didn’t want him to think I wanted to sleep. In fact, I wanted to talk to him until long after the sun came up. 

“Promise me, you’ll visit.” Sam said suddenly, tilting his head to look at me. “That you won’t just disappear.”

“Hey, you’re the one who’s leaving, not me.” I joked. “You know where I’ll be… right here.” The thought was kind of depressing. Whilst Sam was off to California, I would be right here in this small town, trying to work out what to do with myself. Maybe I would take up lacrosse or something.

We lay still for another minute, I joined him in staring up at the ceiling. Light from the street peered through my curtains. “I’m so proud of you,” I said quietly, my heart sinking slightly at the thought of him leaving again.

“God, I wish you could come with me,” Sam breathed beside me.

“Hey,” I said, trying to raise his spirits. “I’m only a state away, it’s not like we can’t visit, right?”

“Right.” He croaked.

“And I’ll know where you are for once,” I added, most of the time I had no idea of his whereabouts until he called. This didn’t have to be a bad thing. 

At some point we fell asleep. I probably went first. I jolted awake in the middle of night, afraid for some reason that Sam might have taken off. I relaxed at the sight of him beside me, the tuft of hair hanging over his face rising and falling as he breathed. I was used to him coming and going, sometimes it would be months at a time before I saw him. I thought about what I had said to him, it was true, I would know where he was, but this... this felt different. Maybe it wasn’t just the distance, but I couldn’t place my worry. I lay there conflicted, not knowing how to feel before realizing, this wasn’t about me. It didn’t matter how I felt. Sam was going to California tomorrow, and that was that. 

I didn’t sleep well, waking up again in the early hours of the next day. My cat curled up asleep between Sam and I. The sun was rising, light pouring through the curtains, projecting patterns onto Sam’s cheek. He looked peaceful, I noticed, beautiful even, his expression free of the conflict of yesterday. I watched him until I drifted off again. 

The next time I opened my eyes, the sun was higher in the sky, and Sam’s side of the bed was empty. I sat up slowly, smiling contently with our late night conversation, my hair sticking up at a funny angle. Sam’s side of the bed was empty. I shot up so fast, I almost tripped over my blanket, freezing when he slipped through the door - his own hair matching mine in a disorderly mess.

“I thought you-” I started before seeing his expression.

“I think,” Sam began grimly. “You might be busted.” I waited, eyes wide for him to continue.

“I ran into Gus in the bathroom.” He added.

I cursed as I burst into the bedroom beside mine.

“What will it take?” I crossed my arms, staring at my little brother. He smirked up at me expectantly. His silence cost me ten bucks. 

“Whatever,” I said, dragging myself sleepily back to my room.

Sam waited for me in my truck, whilst I said goodbye to Joni and Gus like every other day. I sneaked a stack of toast and a flask of coffee from the kitchen, and we ate as I drove to the station. I wished the car ride had taken us longer. 

I slyly left Sam in line to get his ticket, whilst I ran around the corner to the pawn shop. I pulled out my mother’s jewelry box and hastily tipped the contents onto the counter. When I looked up expectantly behind the counter, the owner was frowning at me doubtfully, his large arms crossed. 

“I didn’t steal it,” I said defensively, seeing his reluctant expression. “How much is it worth?”

He combed through the pieces, some of them I recognized, some I didn’t. My phone beeped and I assumed it was Sam noticing I was gone.

 The man indelicately picked up one of the rings, the dark green stone catching my eye as he flipped it over between his thick fingers.

“Not that one,” I said, snatching it back. The stuff didn’t mean a lot to me, I never saw her wear much of it anyway, but it didn’t feel right to sell it all. I hoped my mom would think I was doing the right thing. 

“Or that,” I added, thinking of Gus as I slipped a plainer-looking black and silver ring into my pocket. He should have something too.

Altogether, it scrounged up fifteen hundred dollars. I had never held that much cash before in my hands. I asked for two paper bags, shoving a thousand into one and five hundred in the other before darting back around to the station, where Sam was leaning against the wall outside, waiting for me.

“Hey, where’d you go?” He asked as I approached him.

“Take a walk with me,” I said, taking him by the arm. “We still have time, right?”

I didn’t have a destination in mind, but we ended up stopping a little way away from the station on the edge of the riverbank. It wasn’t a particularly sunny day, but the train tracks glinted on the bridge regardless. 

“So, is this the part where you murder me?” Sam quipped, holding onto the straps of his bags. 

I pulled a face at him, shuffling my feet in the grass trying to think of a way to do this. 

“Listen,” I began, looking up at him. “I know you don’t have a plan, so... I thought this might help.” I held out the bag containing the larger amount of money. He took it from me warily, eyes widening when he saw the contents.

“You were gone ten minutes and you what? Robbed a bank?” Sam hissed.

“Yeah, the cops are looking for me as we speak,” I humored him, rolling my eyes.

“Seriously, where did you get this?“ 

“Doesn’t matter,” I said shortly. If he knew I had sold my mom’s things, he would make me take it back. “It’s a thousand dollars. It’s enough to get you on your feet, right? Find somewhere decent to stay?” 

“This is all for me?” Sam looked at me incredulously, and I knew it was worth it, just for that one look. “I can’t-”

“Shut up, Sam.” I stopped him abruptly. “Yes, you can. You can pay me back when you’re a fancy lawyer in your fancy office with fancy-“

I was going to continue mocking him. In fact, I had a joke up my sleeve about offices and briefcases, but he pressed his lips against mine, kissing me. It was an effective method of shutting me up. I blinked and it was over. Sam pulled away quickly. At first I thought I had done it wrong, but I realized he was only worried about my reaction. I became aware of my own brows knotted together and I relaxed them, not wanting him to think anything of my expression. We had never done that before.

I stood there for a moment, staring at him. The moment I felt my cheeks growing hot, I spun around, my back to him. I was sure we were thinking the same thing. Crap.

I was thankful as a logging train passed us, screeching as it crossed the bridge. My gaze quickly returned to the grass, dragging my heel across the dirt in attempts to focus on something else, but my hand trailed up to my lip, trying to preserve the memory of his touch. Then the train was gone, and we stood quietly for a moment. 

“Have I ruined it?” Sam said from behind me. He didn’t come too close, apprehensive about touching me again until he knew what I was thinking. I understood exactly what he was talking about; our friendship. I didn’t know how I really felt until much later, after he was long gone. I had a lot of time to think things over, not that it mattered. But in that moment, I couldn’t let him go thinking it was a mistake.

I exhaled deeply, summoning the courage to face him again. “No,” I told him, dropping my bag and kissing him back. “See, now I ruined it too. And it doesn’t matter who did it first.”

We stood looking at each other for a moment, both too confused and conflicted to say much.

“I don’t want to leave,” Sam confessed suddenly. 

I was afraid he might say something like that. “Yes you do, and you are,” I told him firmly. “You want this.”

He exhaled, shaking his head slightly as he focused on me. “It’s not the only thing anymore.”

I felt an ache deep in my chest. “You can’t have it all, you know,” I told him, somehow still finding a way to joke. “I don’t think this quite weighs up anyway.”

He still looked torn.

“Come on,” I said gently, taking his hand and leading the way. 

We took our time walking back to the station and found a corner where we could sit and be relatively alone. I rested my head on Sam’s shoulder as we waited for his train to pull into the platform. He slipped a hand over my own. His touch relaxed me, it felt the same as it always had, but in that moment it meant more somehow, now that he had kissed me, now that he was leaving. He flipped my hand over, revealing the dark scar that ran from the center cross my palm. Sam traced it lightly so as not to hurt me. I watched his brow furrow slightly, and I answered his unspoken question, “A spirit in Salem.”

His eyes trailed across the tracks and I tried to work out what was on his mind. Was he thinking of his dad and Dean? Was he anticipating Stanford and the life that awaited him? Was he thinking of me?

“I’m done hunting,” he muttered. That was the one thing that hadn’t crossed my mind. It took me by surprise.

I sat up to read his expression, waiting for him to elaborate. When he didn’t, I just said, “Okay.”

I didn’t cry until after he was gone. I sat in my truck, suddenly feeling very alone. The picture of Sam and I at the World’s Largest Ketchup Bottle stuck to my windshield.  

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[showmethemon3y]

What Black History Month means to me - guest post by Pauline Mayers

So it’s October,  and as usual I’m having a lot of thoughts about Black History Month. In advance of my conversation with the wonderful Pauline Mayers tonight for Real Talk, we got talking on the subject. When she told me about this piece she had written, I wanted to read it. And then when I read it, I wanted to pos it. So thank you Pauline for the gift of your words and experience. I will post the rest verbatim from her text here. 

----

What Black History Month Means To Me by Pauline Mayers

Originally written 1st March 2019

The furore over the apparent rebranding of Black History Month (BHM) to Diversity Month by some London boroughs last year (2018) is of no surprise to me.

I remember when the idea and subsequent rolling out of BHM across the UK began in 1987. The following year, I began my dance training at the internationally known dance conservatoire, the Rambert School of Ballet and Contemporary Dance. Being a young Hackney girl and just turning 18 at the end of the 1980’s this was a big deal for me. I decided to specifically audition for the school as I had watched the associated Rambert Dance company and noticed there were no dancers in the company that looked like me. Without really thinking about it, my audition and subsequent training at the school was a challenge to the status quo. Much like BHM in its very beginnings. 

BHM was a challenge to the UK perception that black people were muggers, thieves and rioters, not to trusted and certainly not to be tolerated. Not that I noticed any of this at the time. My awareness of BHM was consigned to a footnote accentuated by seeing Diane Abbott and Bernie Grant every so often on the news. My attention was very firmly placed on becoming a dancer.

In hindsight, my training was the real beginning of being othered. At the school, I wasn’t seen as a pioneer from Hackney, the first cockney girl (to my knowledge) to attend the school. I was viewed by some of the staff as simply a ‘black body’ who was attempting the impossible. ‘Black People don’t do ballet or dance’ was a mantra that was very definitely felt by me. It’s a mantra that Cassa Pancho MBE, creative director of British ballet company, Ballet Black has spoken of recently. And one that still exists today despite the presence of the extraordinary Dance Theatre of Harlem who were a company of twenty years standing at the point I was in training. This was a fact that school staff at the time seemed to have ignored. For teachers who in theory were experts in the ballet world, this omission is rather startling. Indeed, thirty years after I had begun my training, Ballet Black working with Freed of London have launched ballet shoes for darker skin tones. Which tells me by the omission happened.

Given I had begun my training at a local youth centre and went on to train at the Weekend Arts College I had up until this point always been around people who looked and sounded like me. Being a British black girl at a world renowned ballet school was not the ‘Fame’ experience I was expecting.

I never imagined for a second, the colour of my skin would have such a impact on my every day experience at the school. Born and raised in Hackney, it never occurred to me that being British and black would become a serious bone of contention. A couple of teachers seemed to take some sort of exception to my presence at the school. It certainly wasn’t ALL of the teachers... sounds familiar...

There were however, two teachers who made a massive difference to my experience at the school. With staff that had no POC representation, and students predominantly white European, with some students as far afield as Japan, Canada and the US, seeing examples of black excellence in dance was challenging. I needed to see people who looked like me succeed in the arena I had chosen to live my life, to keep going, to be inspired, so that I didn’t falter. Thankfully the director of the school had cottoned on to how I was feeling and gave me a gift, one I have treasured to this day. The biography of African American performer, activist and French resistance agent Josephine Baker called Jazz Cleopatra. It was about how she who took Europe by storm at a point when the idea of a famous black woman seemed impossible. I read the book until it fell apart. And then bought it several times more.

In much the same way, BHM was a way of celebrating Britain’s black community and its contributions to the U.K., which is a home from home. The reach of what was once the British Empire has morphed into the Commonwealth countries, extending to the Caribbean, where the British had ruled for centuries, leaving it’s mark through the Privy Council which various parts of the Caribbean still adhere to today. West Indian citizens had been told through their educational, legal, and political systems for 400 years that they were British. A fact seemingly denied upon independence from and entry into the U.K. during the 1960’s. The British decided that being black and from the Caribbean meant you were not of Britain but something else entirely, “no Blacks, no Irish, no dogs”. And this way of thinking remains to this day as we have seen with last year’s breaking of the Windrush Scandal. Make no mistake, the illegal deporting of Black British citizens had been going on for decades before The Guardian newspaper shed a light on it.

BHM came after the race riots of the beginning of the 1980’s when the black community railed against the overuse by the police of the SUS laws on young black men around the country. In my recollection BHM was a way to build bridges that had been burnt by shining a positive light on the contributions of the UK black community. The recent return of such rudimentary and abusive laws now come in the form of stop and search which has shown, yet again, to disproportionally target the black community… sounds familiar?

My awareness of BHM really came into being as my dance career took off. Cool Britannia was in, as was Suede, the Gallagher Brothers, etc. Soul to Soul, the Young Disciples and Mark Morrison were showing the world that black music didn’t only come from America it was a part of British culture, the MOBO’s were in its infancy and the U.K. perceived itself to be multi-cultural. Everyone was welcome and could be whoever they wanted to be. Britain was in effect was open to all.

My first offers of working on BHM projects came in 2001 at a point of unemployment. Theatres and venues I didn’t know somehow managed to find my details, making enquiries about my availability for October with a view to making collaborations with Black History as a focus. The only downside was there was very little preparation time (enquiries began in August) and not much money. However, I believed it was worth it, considering the opportunity to work with such established organisation could foster new lucrative relationships. I felt at the time the opportunity to work during BHM was a chance for organisations to see the way I worked and witness the success of my projects. They were opportunities that couldn’t be passed up…. or so I thought.

After three years of repeated promises to work in a more sustainable way across the year instead of the one month lead up to BHM and then working across the month for very little money, I decided this particular avenue was like a parasite. BHM was feeding off my very presence. It began to signal to me Whiteness’ attempt to validate its existence by delivering BHM as a means to an end. The idea to working longer term with me would literally disappear into the shadows for the following 10 months without even so much as a thank you for some of the frankly Herculean efforts I was making for such low wages. I know I’m not the only one, this was and is being replicated across the country. At the time, BHM seemed to be nothing more than a way to service the system and give the illusion of a non-existent cohesion. Besides, I was growing tired of the slave narrative that seemed to dominate BHM.

It’s the same slave narrative that keeps being brought up as ‘black history’. Contrary to popular belief, it’s not. It’s history. British history to be exact. 

The slave trade is the history of colonial white European domination inflicted on the world. It’s the story of how the British along with the French, Dutch, Spanish, Portuguese amongst many others fed and gorged themselves until bloated with gout upon the profits made from enforced “free’ labour entwined with the horrors of enslaving millions of africans for centuries, and how the accrued wealth turned turned Britain into a super power, gifting it an empire which ruled over 23% of the world’s population at it’s height. It’s the continuing narrative of how Britain’s educational, legal, political, financial and social systems were aided by the profits of the slave trade, indeed the rise of the industrial revolution could not have happened without the slave trade. None of this is ‘black history’.

The black history I want to understand speaks of kings and queens, education and empire on the African continent, a time before the europeans enslaved Africans on a mass scale. The black history I’ve come to understand speaks of Bussa, Nanny Maroon, the Haitian Revolution, as well as many other uprisings by the enslaved which continued throughout the entire period of the slave trade against the colonisers who refused to see human beings. It speaks of the British Civil Rights movement (not American) with events like the Bristol Bus Boycott, and hear the stories of activists like Olive Morris. This is the black history I want to see. Others agree with me, indeed Jeremy Corbyn’s announcement for Labour’s proposals to change the way Black history is taught in the U.K. shows there is indeed some sort of a will to do things differently. I want to see such history embedded in the British education system. But this I believe will never happen in my lifetime, not least because it disproves the notion of black people being knife-wielding, uneducated, service providers who should be grateful for being here in the UK. And if a black person doesn’t like how they are being treated then they, and I quote “have the means to leave the country’ as Piers Morgan told Dr. Kehinde Andrews. This insipid ‘othering’ is the thing whiteness always does to protect itself. And too many people racialised as white fall into this diatribe with wild abandonment when faced with accusations of racism. I say this with a vague hope that I’ll be proved wrong… although I doubt it.

But, I digress. 

As a black woman, I am constantly called to justify my presence in the U.K. to white people who literally don’t know the history of how the black community came to be in the U.K. Every single day, I’m faced with a continual barrage of micro aggressions, pictures and articles from a media hell bent on demonising people who look like me and constantly triggering of racial trauma. In order to navigate my daily existence, as well as having artistic expertise which is frankly outstanding (you can’t say that as a black woman… yeah, I can) I’ve had to become part historian, psychologist and social scientist simply so I can defend myself against the daily assaults of whiteness. Funny how I feel I have no choice but to become a sort of collector of facts whilst all whiteness needs to question my valid criticisms of the U.K.’s continuous attacks on blackness and the on-going racial injustice in general is a ferocity of opinion. I think it’s fair to say that in the thirty years since BHM came into being, the U.K.’s relationship with the black community has at this point fallen to an all time low. BHM has been become a silo, a mouthpiece to keep black people placated. And given the contexts I’ve given, my thinking is being born out by the facts.

The current and blatant attempts to rebrand BHM to Diversity Month seeks to both service whiteness’ wish to erase black people from the British historical canon and maintain the negative perception of the U.K. black community whilst at the same time, promoting through the back door a heightened sense of whiteness’ diversity as proof that we are ‘all in this together’. From the notion of White Jesus right up to the lack of acknowledgement by the U.K. of the West Indies effort in fighting in the armed forces in both World Wars on behalf of Britain, whiteness merely seeks to maintain itself as top of the food chain. White supremacy has been going on for at least three centuries.

My criticism of BHM is not about denigrating the efforts of the many in the black community who year in, year out are called upon to deliver a programme of work, and depending on where you are in the country, for not much money. Working BHM is a thankless task which is not seen as a very necessary and integral way to celebrating a community whose efforts over the centuries have directly contributed not only to the development of the U.K., but to the world. My criticism is about the response whiteness has to BHM. A response which I feel will always typify how the dominate white culture in the U.K will always see the black community. The systems in place demands there is no alternative to the fake narrative.

BHM to me has become a series of wasted opportunities for discussions around how UK society wishes to view itself in the 21st Century. In my experience, it’s a severely under-resourced month of a string of broken promises. And it serves as yet a further reminder that the system of whiteness will do anything it can to protect itself. U.K. Prime Minister Theresa May’s statement October 2018 about the importance of BHM to U.K. does nothing more than give lip service in a vain attempt to deflect criticism. 

My feeling is it’s time to do away with this farce. In the face of Brexit, Britain needs to face up to and confront it’s colonial past with honesty and bravery. 

I won’t be holding my breath.

[lyndsey-parker]

Watch 20 Oscar-winning actresses in music videos

Hale Berry and Fred Durst in “Behind Blue Eyes” (Photo: YouTube)

Sure, we all know Angelina Jolie won an Oscar for Girl, Interrupted, or that Halle Berry made history Oscar history when she became the first African American to win a Best Actress trophy (for Monster’s Ball). But did you know that Angelina and Halle respectively starred in videos by… Meat Loaf and Limp Bizkit?

In honor of this weekend’s Academy Awards, here’s a look back at 20 music video cameos by Oscar-winning actresses. For some, these videos were career stepping-stones, or mere detours; for others, they were career lows. But all of them are recommended viewing.

20. Mecano, “La Fuerza del Destino”

No one could have predicted when 15-year-old Penelope made her acting debut, in this 1989 Spanish pop video, that she’d win a Best Supporting Actress Oscar 19 years later for her role in Vicky Cristina Barcelona. Incidentally, Mecano broke up in 1992.

19. Parachute, “The Mess I Made” (starring Jennifer Lawrence, 2009)

Silver Linings Playbook Best Actress winner J.Law was a total unknown when she starred in the 2009 video by these Virginia pop-rockers. Parachute frontman Will Anderson later told TeenMusic.com: “She was amazing… We could tell when we met her that she was going places. Here was this amazingly talented actress, and just an incredible person who also happened to be gorgeous. How could we not ask her to be in the video? Seeing her get nominated for the Oscar was amazing. No one deserves it more than her and it’s awesome to see her getting casted in such rad roles!”

18. Robbie Williams, “Something Stupid” (starring Nicole Kidman, 2001)

Robbie’s 2001 album of standards, Swing When You’re Winning, featured duets with Rupert Everett, Jane Horrocks, and Jon Lovitz, but its centerpiece was this adorable collaboration with Nicole — who’d win a Best Actress Oscar a year later for The Hours. Nicole held her own against the British pop star, which makes us wonder, when is her album coming out?

17. iRAWniQ, “ALIENPU$” (starring Tatum O’Neal, 2014)

Tatum holds the record as the youngest thespian to win a competitive Oscar (she won the Best Supporting Actress award in 1973, at age 10, for her role in Paper Moon). The former child star has had her career ups and downs, but has continued to take on challenging roles. Case in point: this dazzling 2014 clip, in which she danced alongside an “alien Rosa Parks” played by rapper iRAWniQ. Tatum even dissected the bizarre, JB Ghuman Jr.-directed video in a play-by-play article for Vice.

16. Roy Orbison, “I Drove All Night” (starring Jennifer Connelly, 1992)

This video starred not only the A Beautiful Mind Best Supporting Actress Oscar-winner, but also Beverly Hills, 90210 heartthrob Jason Priestley. It’s a true ’90s classic if there ever was one.

15. Dave Matthews Band, “Dreamgirl” (starring Julia Roberts, 2005)

The Erin Brockovich Oscar-winner and longtime DMB fan made her music video debut in this Alice in Wonderland-meets-Fringe clip; it was first acting job after giving birth to her twins. “I just need the work,” Julia joked to People magazine at the time of the video’s release. Dave Matthews added, “We thought we’d politely give her a hand up.”

14. Will Butler, “Anna” (2015)

Stone won an Oscar last year for the musical La La Land, but we think her casting may have been inspired by her star turn in this elegant Old Hollywood clip by the Arcade Fire multi-instrumentalist.

13. Massive Attack feat. Hope Sandoval, “The Spoils” (starring Cate Blanchett, 2016)

The two-time Oscar-winner shapeshifted from gorgeously dewy SK-II skincare spokeswoman to freaky decomposing zombie robot in this disconcerting clip. Imagine Sinéad O’Connor’s “Nothing Compares 2 U” mashed up with Lou Reed’s “No Money Down” for some idea of this video’s creepy impact. We need Blanchett to star in a horror flick!

12. Jenny Lewis, “One of the Guys” (starring Anne Hathaway and Brie Larson, 2014)

The former Rilo Kiley frontwoman convinced Les Miserables‘ Hathaway and Room‘s Larson (along with Kristen Stewart) to dress up in male drag for this colorful clip… but we’re more impressed by the Gram Parsons-inspired, red-carpet-worthy rainbow tuxedo that Jenny is wearing.

11. Limp Bizkit, “Behind Blue Eyes” (starring Halle Berry, 2003)

Halle made some major career mistakes following her Best Actress win for 2001’s Monster’s Ball. And making out onscreen with Fred Durst, in a video for a terrible Who cover from the Gothika soundtrack, may have been her most Razzie-worthy misstep — even if Durst, who directed the clip, told MTV it was “the greatest kiss you’ll ever see.” A decade later, this admittedly makes for fascinating viewing.

10. Renee Zellweger with Ewan McGregor, “Here’s to Love” (2003)

The Cold Mountain Best Supporting Actress winner showed off an entirely different side of herself in this playful ode to the great cinematic era of Doris Day and Rock Hudson, from the retro rom-com Down With Love. Here’s to Renee!

9. Meat Loaf, “Rock ‘N’ Roll Dreams Come Through” (starring Angelina Jolie, 1993)

The Girl, Interrupted Oscar-winner has also made appearances in music videos by the Rolling Stones, Lenny Kravitz, Korn, and the Lemonheads. But her most epic (and cinematic) music video appearance of all? The one in which she co-starred with Meat Loaf and played a teen runaway, of course!

8. The Rolling Stones, “Like a Rolling Stone” (starring Patricia Arquette, 1996)

Patricia won Best Supporting Actress honors for Boyhood and gave one of the most memorable acceptance speeches in years. Also memorable? Her harrowing depiction of a strung-out party girl in this Michel Gondry-directed, fisheye-lensed clip for the Stones’ fantastic Dylan cover.

7. David Bowie, “The Next Day” (starring Marion Cotillard, 2013)

Marion displayed her own musical chops portraying Edith Piaf in 2007’s La Vie en Rose, for which she won Best Actress honors. She has concurrently pursued a musical career, including an artsy collaboration with John Cameron Mitchell, Villaine, and Metronomy’s Joseph Mount titled “Snapshot of L.A.“ But her best music video cameo was in this controversial, banned-from-YouTube Bowie clip, in which she played a stigmata-stricken prostitute cavorting in a church brothel with a wayward priest played by Gary Oldman. This video definitely deserved an R rating!

6. Tom Petty, “Into the Great Wide Open” (starring Faye Dunaway, 1991)

The Network Oscar-winner joined an all-star cast that included Johnny Depp, Chynna Phillips, and, um, Richard Grieco to play an evil rock ‘n’ roll Svengali. It was clearly the role Faye was born to play. Just call this one Manager Dearest.

5. Devendra Banhart, “Carmensita” (starring Natalie Portman, 2007)

Back before she was a crazy Black Swan, Natalie was dancing in this crazy, Bollywood-inspired video by the eccentric singer-songwriter, who soon became her boyfriend. The relationship didn’t last; maybe Natalie was jealous that Devendra almost looked as pretty in sparkly Bollywood makeup as she did. A pregnant Portman starred last year in James Blake��s “My Willing Heart.”

4. Brandon Flowers, “Crossfire” (starring Charlize Theron, 2010)

This badass, action-packed video, in which the Monster actress rescued the Killers frontman from ninja kidnappers, was soooo much better than Aeon Flux.

3. Tom Petty, “Mary Jane’s Last Dance” (starring Kim Basigner, 1994)

Ah, the creepy “love story” between a morgue assistant and the beautiful corpse girl of his dreams. We’re still trying to decide who was the better actor here: Kim, or Tom himself.

2. Jay-Z, “Many Faced God” (starring Lupita Nyong’o, 2017)

The 12 Years a Slave Best Supporting Actress winner and Star Wars/Black Panther action heroine gave another awards-worthy tour de force performance in this stunning clip from 4:44.

1. David Bowie, “The Stars Are Out Tonight” (starring Tilda Swinton, 2013)

In a bit of inspired casting on the part of director Floria Sigismondi, this video by the late Thin White Duke co-starred thin white duchess Tilda Swinton as his dutiful wife. For years, the uncanny resemblance between Bowie and the Oscar-winning actress had been noted by observers — so much so that an entire Tumblr site was devoted to their separated-at-birth similarity. In 2003, fashion photographer Craig McDean orchestrated a shoot with Tilda during which she dressed up as Bowie, and in 2012, Hint Fashion magazine even published a rather convincing compare-and-contrast blogpost titled “Visual Proof That David Bowie and Tilda Swinton Are the Same Person.” The fact that Bowie and Tilda appeared onscreen on the same time here refuted Hint’s theory, of course.

Read more from Yahoo Entertainment:

Mary J. Blige, Common, Sufjan Stevens, more to perform at Academy Awards

The 15 all-time biggest movie snubs in Oscar history

2018 Oscars: Our insta-predictions

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[digging-holes-in-the-river]

Last night I finished episode 15 in the new Twin Peaks. Here are some thoughts on the series so far (planning to watch episode 16 and the finale tonight):

I seem to be enjoying this less than everyone else is? I mean, don’t get me wrong, I’m glad I’m watching the show. But I’m not as excited about it as all my friends are. This same thing happened with the eclipse. I think I’m just a big complainer who’s bad at appreciating things. :P

Part of my problem, as mentioned earlier, is that it’s just really slow-paced. And maybe this makes me an unsophisticated film-viewer, but I get pretty bored during the pauses. I get extremely bored during all the music scenes in the Roadhouse, but I can’t just skip past them, because something actually plot-related might happen. And, like, I am not a person who needs everything to be super fast-paced all the time. 2001: A Space Odyssey is one of my favorite movies. But I wish the new Twin Peaks went a little faster.

I was also frustrated, for a while, by how little character development there was. It seemed like we were shown all these new characters, but we didn’t actually get to see what any of them were like. Like, we spent a while watching Ray and Darya, but we never really got to know them as people; we never learned how they got involved with the evil Cooper, or what personality traits they have aside from “being a criminal”. (Hutch and Chantal seem to have more personality though.) We also saw Becky, at the beginning, but we didn’t learn anything about her other than the fact that she was in a bad relationship, so it was hard for me to care very much about her.

I’ve also had a lot of trouble keeping the characters and the storylines straight. Part of this, for sure, is that I’m really bad with faces -- I didn’t realize Dr. Amp was Jacoby for most of the show. And with so many random people appearing (like all those women in conversations at the roadhouse), it’s hard to keep everything straight. And there’s so many storylines -- all the main storylines, plus all the little snakes’ hands that may or may not be relevant to the overall plot. A million people have been trying to kill the real Cooper, and I assume the evil Cooper is behind all of it, but it’s been hard to keep track. Anyway, this seems like a personal failing on my part, not a failing of the show, and I think I’ll get more out of it when I watch it for a second time (which I presumably will someday).

Anyway I’ve liked the show a lot more since episode 13 or so. I feel like we’ve actually gotten to know a lot of the new characters, and we’ve gotten more insight into what the old characters are up to (instead of just these brief unexplanatory glimpses into their lives). And it feels a bit faster paced now too. And it stopped doing all the stupid humor that I hate.

I’ll stop complaining now.

Thoughts on general themes:

So much of the show revolves around this battle between pure good and pure evil. I guess the original show had that too, with the black and white lodges, but I didn’t notice it as much. But in the reboot, there’s a lot more purely evil characters (evil Cooper, Richard, and all the criminals we’ve run into, where we haven’t learned anything about them except that they’re criminals). In general, I’m not a big fan of the Absolute Cosmic Struggle between Good and Evil, and I find purely evil villains kind of boring. I don’t believe in absolute good or evil; I think that, in real life, there are moral grey areas to everything, and even really serious criminals have understandable motivations behind their actions. And I mean, it’s not like the black-and-white morality ruins Twin Peaks for me. It’s just something I found striking, since it’s not a literary device I find very believable.

On the other hand, I love how ambiguous the entire show has been about whose side the supernatural characters are on. The black lodge is supposed to be evil, but a lot of black lodge inhabitants (like MIKE and the Arm) help Cooper, right? The Giant / Fireman seems unambiguously good but the rest seem more questionable.

I looooove all the scenes in the black lodge and other related places. My favorite black lodge character is the Giant but I also love the weird-noises girl with no eyes. (I wasn’t expecting them to find her at Jack Rabbit’s Palace. I was expecting them to find Major Briggs’s head. Will we ever find out what happened to Major Briggs’s head?)

I love that it’s not just the red room, and we get to see all these different supernatural places. In the original series, it felt like the red room was fairly small and self-contained. But now it seems like there’s a whole nother realm (or several realms) interpenetrating our own. It gives such a sense of bigness and mystery. There’s no way we can learn what all of it means in just the next few episodes. It would take movie after movie to explain everything (if it’s even comprehensible to the human mind). The show just gives this really strong impression that the universe is stranger and more complicated that we usually give it credit for.

ETA: How on earth can Diane be sisters with Janey without having noticed the weird similarity between Dougie and Cooper? Diane says she’s estranged from Janey, but she knows Dougie’s name. Is it possible that she’s never met Dougie or even seen a picture of him?

Thoughts on unresolved plot points from the previous series:

How did Audrey escape the bank? (I’m guessing evil Cooper went back, rescued her, and impregnated her with Richard? Though who knows.)

What happened to Windom Earle? I haven’t heard his name mentioned yet in the new season. (He wasn’t listed as one of the agents on the Blue Rose team, so what was his connection to Cooper and the black lodge?) Anyway what happened to him 25 years ago? I don’t remember the final episode well enough. Did he die in the black lodge? Did he get the power he was after?

What happened to Annie? Did she die? I heard some mention of Cooper returning from the lodge carrying her body, so I assume she died. (Did that happen in the final episode of season 2? I wish my memory didn’t suck.)

What happened to Josie Packard? Was she a doppelganger?

What ever happened to Leo?

Thoughts on specific characters:

I really like Dougie’s wife. I admire how strong and willful she is, and how she uses her willfullness to keep her life and her family from falling apart. She seems like a major source of stability, keeping everything functioning even despite Dougie’s gambling problems and tendency to disappear for three days. And she has a lot of balls, standing up to those money-collecting men who wanted $52k from Dougie.

Frank Truman is great. I love how patient he is (with his wife, with Andy and Lucy’s son, with Lucy telling him which line to press on the phone, etc.). His facial expressions convey a world-weariness and a frustration with all the things he has to put up with, but also, simultaneously, an enormous amount of affection for all the people he’s being patient towards. He just seems like a really kind, sturdy man. I’m glad Harry has such a good brother.

Gordon is so lecherous. He clearly respects Tammy Preston’s capabilities as an FBI agent but he also very clearly objectifies her. It’s unclear whether she’s bothered by it (or whether she’s into Gordon) because she has such a poker face. I feel like we know very little about Tammy Preston as a human being.

Albert is great.

Bobby is a police officer! I’m so proud of him. He grew up to be such a decent guy. (Did he ever confess to that murder he committed in high school? Does he still feel guilty about it, and like he’s hiding a really bad secret?) I take it his father’s death was what inspired him to turn his life around? I’m glad he and Shelley got married; they look really happy together. Also, Bobby is a really emotional guy. (This was true in the original series too, but I didn’t notice it as much, because his emotions were much more masculine-coded there. But in retrospect, he’s clearly always had really strong feelings that are hard for him to contain.)

James still hits on married women. Come on, James, seriously. (In the original series, he seemed like someone who believed in the Cosmic Power of Love, and that if he’s acting based on love of physical attraction, then it can’t be wrong or a bad idea. I’m not convinced he’s gotten over that.)

Where’s Donna? How’s she doing? I assume she moved away from Twin Peaks a long time ago?

Poor Sarah Palmer. :(

I was so surprised, in episode 15, to discover that Ed and Nadine were still together. I thought they got a divorce 25 years ago, and that Ed had married Norma! I thought Ed and Norma had been living together happily all this time. :(

How on earth did Audrey end up married to Charlie? She seems like she’s not doing very well.

ETA: Ben Horne has mellowed out! I mean, he’s clearly the same old Ben Horne, in terms of personality and mannerisms. But he turned down an affair with Beverly, and we haven’t seen any evidence that he’s still involved in organized crime.

I probably have more thoughts, but I’ll have to write them later, since this is all I could think of for now.

[ifitzpatrick]

Since the new Twin Peaks is out tonight, I thought it would be a cool idea to introduce you guys to some David Lynch films that you may or may not have watched. If you don’t know who David Lynch is, he is basically the embodiment of, what multiple sites have called him, “a renaissance man of modern filmmaking” and does just about everything you can think of a person doing. He is a director, screenwriter, painter, photographer, musician, and producer. He has created a TON of cult classics that have not only blown peoples’ minds, but changed their perspectives on a lot of things, especially living in small town or Los Angeles, but at the end of the day, David Lynch is a surreal and complicated filmmaker at heart.

Now, I’m not saying you should watch these films in order, but I’ll lay out the important ones first and then get into stuff that you can see any ol’ time. So, let’s get started.

1. Eraserhead (1977) This masterpiece was David Lynch’s first feature length movie that combines surrealism and body horror all mashed into one. The plot is pretty damn simply… complicated. Henry Spencer (Jack Nance) is a man who is left with a lizard or serpent like child, born from a one night stand with his then girlfriend Mary X. Henry, however, starts to also have hallucinations and vision of strange things that may or may not be real. The film is known to be a great cult classic and is one of the coolest midnight movies with El Topo (1970), Night of the Living Dead (1968) and Pink Flamingos (1972) to name a few. If you’re gonna start with some David Lynch weirdness, why not try out the best of the best first.

2. The Elephant Man (1980) The Elephant Man is one of the most heartbreaking films on this list. The Elephant Man tells the real life story of Joseph Merrick, a severely deformed man who was exhibited in freak shows before he was taken to a London Hospital. The film takes us into that history with John Hurt, playing John Merrick and Anthony Hopkins, playing the doctor Frederick Treves, who takes him from out of the freakshows. It’s a heartbreaking movie and incredibly acted from start to finish. Fun fact: the Academy created the Best Makeup and Hairstyling because this movie had the best of that year.

3. Twin Peaks (1990) You knew this was coming. Twin Peaks has become a cult classic over the years and for good reasons. It’s one of the most bizarre and brilliant television dramas that have ever been produced. Created by David Lynch and Mark Frost, the show focuses on the death of high school teen and homecoming queen Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee). FBI Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) is sent to Twin Peaks to investigate and teams up with Harry S. Truman (Michael Ontkean) to investigate the case, but it’s not a straight up murder that they’re investigating. It can’t be that simple guys. There’s something deeper, shady, and sinister going down in the town of Twin Peaks and you’ll never see it coming.

4. Blue Velvet (1986) I actually still don’t know how to properly describe Blue Velvet to people, but I will try very hard for you guys. Jeffrey Beaumont (Kyle MacLachlan) is just a normal guy, but one day he finds a ear in a backyard. (I know, I know, just hold on for me guys.) He goes on a small investigation to find out where it comes from, but takes a very sharp left turn into bigger investigation a nightclub singer Dorothy Vallens (Isabella Rossellini) whose being held hostage by some f*cked up group of people, including ether-loving Frank Booth (Dennis Hopper), who tortures her in brutal ways. Jeffrey discovers that there is way more to the surface of the small town and himself as he becomes intertwined with Dorothy’s life. Guys, just watch Blue Velvet. It’s a really great psychology, wtf of a movie. 5. Twin Peak: Fire Walk with Me (1992) I know what you’re thinking Twin Peaks fans. “Why would you even put this anywhere near a list?” Well… because it’s Twin Peaks. No matter how you feel about Fire Walk with Me, it’s still a piece of the Twin Peaks history and dammit, it should be watched at least once! Directed and written by David Lynch and co-written by Robert Engels, the films tells the last seven days of Laura Palmer’s short life while going into the investigation of Teresa Banks. Most of the cast had returned for the movie except for Lara Flynn Boyle, who was replaced by Moira Kelly and Sherilyn Fenn because schedules suck. The film was met with… not so happy people and even though it was met with negative reviews, again, still apart of Twin Peaks. Also, you gotta watch this before you get into the series!

6. Mulholland Drive (2001) Another movie that I can’t properly describe, but goddamnit, I will try! Betty Elms (Naomi Watts) is an actress that wants to make it big in L.A. Fresh into her environment, she meets a amnesiac woman Rita (Laura Elena Harring) and try try to figure out what happened to her and get back her memories. I can’t say much else without giving away most of the plot so I’ll just leave it there. I can tell you that there is a super cool (kinda?!) twist at the end of this psychological mystery film. The fun part about this movie is that it very much lets you come to your own conclusions of what the ending might mean. Nothing is right, nothing is wrong. Mulholland Drive will always be there. Fun fact: Mulholland Drive was inspired by Audrey Horne’s character in Twin Peaks. They meant to send Audrey into a spinoff where she goes to Hollywood, but it didn’t pan out.

7. Inland Empire (2006) Love is apparently a super f*cking dangerous when you’re on the set of a film that is cursed. That’s what Inland Empire presents us and it’s a really well done film by Lynch. Inland Empire follows the story of Nikki Grace, an actress whose perception of reality gets surreal and distorted as she falls head over heels for her co-star Devon Berk (Justin Theroux). She also starts taking on the characteristics of the character that she’s playing in a film that is cursed. Yeah, f*ckin’ bonkers. Laura Dern is outstanding in the lead role, she does a great job in Blue Velvet and Wild at Heart, but this movie, Laura just goes all out!

8. Dune (1984) Dune is a great accomplishment, but I will warn you that when you go into Dune, be prepared to sit for awhile. Based on Frank Herbert’s 1965 novel with the same name, Dune is set in the future where there is a war brewing between families for control of Dune, or Arrakis. They mainly want it because the time travelling drug, “the spice” is vast on the planet and it’s the only place it can be found. I’ve watched this movie a couple of times and I’m still very unsure about it’s meaning, even though I totally should know what it’s about right now. In the scope of things, this was one of David Lynch’s most *raspberry noise* of movies. It was regarded as a flop, but I kinda disagree, for what it was at the time, Dune is an epic movie on a global scale and Kyle MacLachlan sports some pretty hair. OH, ALSO, THERE’S STING, so, yeah…. Watch it.

Honorable Mentions: Lost Highway (1997), The Alphabet (1968), Wild at Heart (1990), The Amputee (1974) and Six Men Getting Sick (1967)

[wineanddinosaur]

Seven Power Couples of the Wine World — and How They Make It Work

Everybody loves a love story. This February, we’re celebrating some of the beverage industry’s coolest, most inspiring couples in a two-part series.

Here, we toast to the dynamic duos of the wine community. How do they make it work in a competitive field with long hours and late nights? From global tasting trips, to one-night stands that became work-and-life partnerships, these seven wine world power couples have careers that inspired romance — and vice versa.

Swati Bose and Kabir Amir

Co-Owners and Sommeliers, Flight Wine Bar. Washington, D.C.

Credit: Scott Buchmann

How they met:

Swati: “In the summer of 2002, my best friend Susan and I hosted a Fourth of July party in my apartment in Rosslyn in Virginia. We were known for throwing these fun parties. But this turned out to be the lamest party I had ever been to, much less hosted.”

Turns out, Swati’s friend Susan had run into a law school classmate on the train and invited him to attend. He brought three friends — including Kabir, an acquaintance he’d just met in the George Washington University dorms.

Swati: “Kabir showed up with a 6-pack of beer and he had drunk half of it on the way. I thought he had a huge attitude and wanted nothing to do with him. But Susan and Betsy thought he was great and loved him, as did a few of my friends that we saw later that night. And they invited him to hang out with us again the next night.

“That next night was wonderful. We chatted all night, and I had what I thought was a one-night stand with Kabir (I hope my parents aren’t reading this). The next morning, he asked my last name. And then he asked if I was seeing anyone. When I said no, he said, ‘Let’s have brunch.’ And 16 years later, here we are.”

Why it works:

Swati: “For us, it has been wonderful working together. Of course, running a business together and working on daily operations has its struggles. We have certainly had to learn how to do it peacefully, and we are still learning. But our passion for food, wine, and hospitality was a joint one. In creating Flight, we got to make that a reality. Every year, when we revise our wine list, we have an opportunity to work together to put together a list of our favorite winemakers, regions, and talk through what is getting us excited currently. Throughout the year, we also meet a few of these winemakers, and it takes us back to why and how we got here.”

Kabir: “Both of us have learned to get over things very quickly. We might disagree about something one minute but the next minute we can resume working together happily. This took us time to learn and practice. Or we might have a tough day at work but we can return home and snuggle up to watch TV and unwind. And this is crucial, so you don’t spend your days resentful and being mad at each other.

“Treating each day like a brand-new day in this industry is key so that we retain our energy and can feel passionate about our work.”

Victoria James and Lyle Railsback

Partner and Beverage Director at Cote, Sommelier, and Author; National Sales for Kermit Lynch Wine Merchant and Illustrator. New York

Credit: Gary He

How they met:

Victoria: “I first met Lyle when I was a sommelier at Marea. He works for Kermit Lynch Wine Merchant and was trying to sell us wine! We became acquaintances in the industry but were both dating other people. Later that year he asked me out to which I responded that I was dating someone else. He said, ‘No worries, invite him along!’”

Lyle told Victoria to treat it as a dinner party — she’d bring her date, and he’d invite others to come, too.

Victoria: “Then this happened (taken from Lyle’s wedding vows to me):

‘As luck would have it, you wrote the day before saying that you’d broken up and would be coming solo, which worked out for me as I’d been too busy traveling and hadn’t invited anyone else, so it would just be you and me for dinner…

…This first date was on a full moon, like tonight, but it’s hard to even think of this as a first date because for me the date hasn’t really ended yet, and it never will.’”

Why it works:

Victoria: “The industry is where we met. Had I not been a sommelier and wine buyer, and had he not been a wine salesman, we might not have crossed paths. For this, I will forever be grateful.

“Being able to share an industry with your spouse is really a blessing. We both understand one another’s insane and odd work schedule — I work from 10 a.m. to 1 a.m., Monday to Friday, and he travels weekly across the United States and overseas. He also has helped me understand the nuances of his side of the business, something not easily seen or understood by many sommeliers. Thanks to him, I now understand the way wines are imported, priced, taxed, the three-tier system, and how to negotiate the best pricing for our restaurant.

“On the flip side, I keep him abreast of what is trending, what guests are asking for, and what sommeliers are drinking. I help him explore wines from outside just his portfolio and give him a broader picture of the wine world.

“I am so grateful that we are in the same industry but on different sides. This allows us to each see a unique viewpoint and give the other valuable information. We have both built one another into strong, powerful buyers and salespersons in the business.”

Thomas Pastuszak and Jessica Brown

Executive Wine Director at The NoMad Hotel New York; Senior Analyst, Onboard Experience at JetBlue. New York

Credit: Andrew Frasz

How they met:

Thomas: “Jess and I had mutual friends when we were still living in Ithaca, N.Y. I was actually a bartender at the time, still intending on going to med school, and Jess was finishing a degree in fine arts photography (though also working in restaurants part-time), and she was a regular of mine. I thought she was way out of my league, so I sent many delicious cocktails her way to catch her eye, and we ended up hanging out with our larger group of friends before finally going on a date together.

“It was pretty instantaneous, and we both supported each other’s decisions to forgo the fields we were pursuing in order to focus on restaurants and wine. In fact, it was Jess who, while I was studying for my MCATs, said, ‘What if your passionate hobby or part-time job could be your livelihood?’… That really helped push me to go full-on in the world of hospitality.”

Why it works:

Thomas: “Both of us working in wine has been great, because it’s given us similar passions that we can align on and chat endlessly about. We have always tasted wine together (and usually love the same bottles, though not always!), and have traveled to wine regions together. We go out to restaurants as often as possible, and make friends in the restaurant and wine community that have become our family… Our professional relationship and close friendships in the business have melded together in an amazing way.”

Thomas and Jessica now have two small children, and so their lives and careers shifted accordingly.

Thomas: “Jess currently works for JetBlue as a senior analyst for MINT… which keeps her busy throughout the day, but able to be home at night, a big difference from being on the floor all the time. Meanwhile, I’m overseeing all of the NoMad wine programs as executive wine director, which keeps me busy a lot at night still, though I am able to be home in the evenings with family more now than in the past. It’s certainly not a walk in the park, figuring out the balance, but our shared passion for the industry certainly helps to make it possible.”

Juan Muñoz-Oca and Jessica Munnell

Executive Vice President of Winemaking, Vineyards and Operations, Ste. Michelle Wine Estates; Owner and Winemaker, Wautoma Springs. Richland, Wash.

Credit: Richard Duval

How they met:

Jessica: “We met in the Spring of 2001 in Grandview, Wash. I had just finished school and was working as a viticulturist for Ste. Michelle Wine Estates (SMWE). Juan had been wanting to travel to the States from his home in Argentina.

“Ironically, it was the chair of my master’s committee that talked him into coming to Washington instead of California. On the advice of Dr. Wample, Juan traveled to Washington State to check out the industry and look into continuing his education through a master’s degree. Juan began working as an intern for SMWE, where we met.”

Why it works:

Jessica: “I think a lot of our successes have been because we work in the same industry. Having a partner that I can talk to about issues with a fermentation, or bottling, or how to be better at sales, is priceless.”

Alan Baker and Serena Lourie

Owner and Winemaker, Cartograph Wines; Owner, Cartograph Wines. Healdsburg, Calif.

Credit: Henry Dombey, Clubsoda Productions

How they met:

Alan: “The five points on our logo came out of our love story. We met at Crushpad, the urban winery in San Francisco. Alan was on staff and Serena came in to attend one of the winemaking classes Crushpad conducted. After that class, Serena signed up to make wine with her friends and Alan coordinated their winemaking that harvest season, 2008.

“The idea of Cartograph was launched late one night in 2009 while sitting on the sidewalk outside Crushpad talking about our dreams and realizing that we were falling in love and had a shared vision of our future.”

Why it works:

Serena: “We came to the wine industry independently but creating Cartograph really fueled our relationship — so the industry helped our love story. The more challenging it got as we grew, the more we had to rely on each other for support, advice, and laughter.

“When we opened the tasting room we were in the midst of doing construction on our home at the same time so everything felt really unsettled. Had we not been working together creating Cartograph, it would have been pretty easy to get frustrated with each other but because we were working on a shared vision, we were able to choose the priorities together and navigate the chaos of construction and building a business.”

Cam Baker and Kate Solari Baker

Proprietors, Larkmead Vineyards. Calistoga, Calif.

Credit: JBH Photography

How they met:

Kate: “Cam and I met in September of 1960. He was in his third year at Boalt Law School at UC Berkeley and I was in my third year of undergraduate there as well. In hindsight, we were both infants. We were double-dating, he was with one person, I with another. But a spark was struck. I was definitely interested…we talked about the possibility of Nixon winning the 1960 presidential election, a highly unusual conversation in those days between college folks (Cam was working for candidate Kennedy at the time). And so our courtship began, with lots of details lost in the mist of time. We have been married 57 years!”

Why it works:

Kate: “Our early years were preoccupied with Cam’s legal career in San Francisco and my life as a mother of three. My parents had owned Larkmead Vineyards since 1948 and the wine business was always the career of my father, B.C. Solari… Cam and I became grape growers and winemakers after my mother’s death in 1992, and we’ve worked together ever since. In the early days we were a three-man band: the two of us and our winemaker, Andy Smith.

“Our relationship has survived because we have a clear division of labor. While Cam brings business acumen to the table, I bring lots of human wisdom and good hospitality knowledge. We always discuss together big changes and big investments, such as the choice to build a winery on our property in 2005. It was a big decision! The whole family discussed it and ultimately followed Cam’s lead. Every business needs a leader. I offer my thoughts and opinions, which are given serious consideration before finalizing movement forward. That works for Cam and me.”

Lauren Wong and Damon Wong

VP Sales and Marketing, Aperture Cellars and Devil Proof Vineyards; Director of Hospitality, Kosta Browne Winery. Santa Rosa, Calif.

Credit: Margaret Austin Photography

How they met:

Lauren: “We both grew up in Sonoma County, went to high school in the same town, but never met each other until years later, when I was in college and Damon was working for a local winery.

“It was at a Mardi Gras house party, everyone was drinking jungle juice out plastic cups, the music was loud, and there were green and purple decorations everywhere. I was standing there alone, getting ready to pull the sticky ladle out of the mysterious ‘juice’ when Damon came up to me, introduced himself, and asked if I might prefer some bubbles instead. Damon was working at Iron Horse Vineyards at the time and had brought a bottle of ice cold blanc de blancs and flutes along with him — just in case of an emergency. It was like he read my mind and the rest was history.

“And some things never change. It is pretty rare that my drink order of choice is not a glass of bright bubbly.”

Why it works:

Damon: “We both love our jobs and are enthusiastic about the future of the industry… Having this passion as a common driver has absolutely brought us closer. We have a huge amount of respect for each other professionally, weighing in on each other’s projects, collaborating on new concepts or bouncing ideas off each other is one of the great things about our relationship.”

The post Seven Power Couples of the Wine World — and How They Make It Work appeared first on VinePair.

source https://vinepair.com/articles/wine-power-couples-love/

[apartyinmymouth]

GAME OF THRONES

True to form, I wrote the crux of this entry one week ago today and coincidentally the phone clocked in at 11:11pm when I hit the save button (sidebar b/c I navigate the region so sublimely) But real talk, I was inspired last Friday and took pen to paper knowing I would tweak/edit the draft before publishing. Also knowing I would be in Jamaica in just a few short days, it seemed only fitting to complete it there…over some Real Jamaican Food ;)

When I initially penned this op piece, there hadn’t been any replies on record. It was and still is about the excitement of a rap battle between two respected and revered artists and less of a critique on the actual raps and/or who won or would win. That said, I’m continuing this Op piece from my initial train of thought - more of the possibility of what it could be instead of where we are presently, round 2 in what has shaped up to be a very disrespectful battle.

So that’s what was going on. I, like most people was just casually minding my business, excited about what’s emerging musically within the culture and all the heat set to drop and seemingly out of nowhere, a shot is fired. Pusha T, the remaining half of rap cult group Clipse, through his infrared beam shot his shot at hip-hop’s reigning Golden Child, Aubrey Drake Graham. In truth, the subs between these 2 gentlemen have been building for some time but this was a focused and direct attack. I imagine Drake had been minding his business as well when the sneak hook occurred and like a reflex – responded immediately, calculated and concisely. By midnight on Friday May 25th a full on battle had ensued. An official rap battle and it’s exciting to be honest. It’s good for the culture! It’s like a GoT season 6 episode 9; Battle of The Bastards sort of moment in the culture. Only this time I believe the underdog is actually the man currently on top. I don’t think y’all understand, I love this rap shit – I can’t lie. The art of it all, it’s the BEST! If both sides are ready and prepared I think it could be great. A lot of people sleep on Drake and forget that he can actually rap.

One thing’s evident with this crew, they do not half step. It’s like that moment in the movie Heat, when Al Pacino realizes he’s been made and says to his team “this is the No Fuckin’ Around Crew.” Nothing is done impulsively no matter the expedience at which something might appear to occur. If they shooting, believe they got magazines racked up ready to let off. It is not a one off. Perhaps it’s the “slept on, stay ready” mentality. A smart one they’ve perfected and so they stay winning. Drake’s consistently put out great music. Feature after feature, album after album, hit after hit – since he stepped foot in the door, The Boy has not missed - a first in this art form. Personally, “Nothing Was The Same” is my favorite body of work in his catalog to date. Top to bottom it’s an all-encompassing complete album full of earned flexing. It’s that “I’m not a freshman, no longer new to this but still feeling like the props I deserve are not being shown and why not, I’m really that nigga!” Is it because he’s foreign that he’s scrutinized more heavily? Hating on Drake is the fuel he uses. This coupled with the fact that the boy is really talented (a fact few of his peers want to acknowledge) is the exact reason why he’ll continue to win. Hate in their veins. Who God Bless, No Man Curse - understand this.

And then there’s Push. Ties and affiliations aside, Pusha T is a lyricist. That rap lyrical respect thing is something else and Clipse is deeply entrenched in the culture. They had/have a cult following! Mix in his crews (Pharrell – Startrak/iamOther x Kanye – G.O.O.D. Music – musical geniuses) this just thickens and sweetens the pot. No offense but this is nowhere even close to that lukewarm Drake x Meek Mill sandbox scafuffle a few seasons back. This battle is a level!

The “battle” is the ethos of rap. This is hip-hop in its truest form. Rap is a contact sport and at times the most deadly because there are no rules. These men, both gifted and skilled in their own right, are sparring right now. Survival of the fittest. I understand this may be new territory for today’s mumble/drug rap generation – “sensitive thugs” purveyors of the ice-cream saccharin sweet sound. You guys are bearing witness to legacy! There is nothing fair about a rap battle. Just ask Ja Rule. It’s eat or get eaten and apparently it’s eating season right now. Personally speaking, I love a great rap battle! I remember candidly the beefs between KRS-1 & MC Shan, Roxanne Shante & The Real Roxanne, Dr. Dre/NWA & Easy E, Ice Cube & Easy E, Cool J and Canibus, the fatal beef between Biggie & Pac that divided a nation and of course the most epic battle of all that birthed the term “ethered”, the beef between Jay Z & Nas. I’ve been a die hard Jay fan since I first heard him on Stretch & Bobbito’s radio show on 89 tech 9 back in the mid-90s. I’ll never forget driving down 2nd Ave in New York City on a surprisingly balmy day in November 2001 listening to Hot 97 FM. Nas had just recorded his answer to Jay’s diss record Takeover and they were about to premiere it on Flex’s show. The moment the beat drop, my heart sunk. “Fuck Jay Z!” chopped and screwed up. The dj drops an atomic bomb adlib effect, starts the record over. “Fuck Jay Z!” I knew in that moment Jay was done. Takeover was volcanic. Jay in a very comedic way pretty much “sonned” Nas with hard truth and the truth is sometimes tough to bear. But then Nas, maybe as a result of feeling disrespected by this “Judas trader”, went nuclear! Ether was the Nasir Jones we loved and had longed to see. Jay tried a feeble attempt at retaliation with the lack luster “Super Ugly” but the winner was clear. There was no coming back after Ether. The crown prince took the L he never saw coming.  

As far as this Pusha x Drake beef goes, to date, some really unsavory and defamatory things have been said, I do not disagree. And other people have been dragged into the conversation unjustly. My assumption is unless this wraps up quickly, more things will be said. But all of that aside, understanding the players involved and how much each of them love this real hip hop shit to their core, there has to be a slight tinge of excitement though no one enjoys being on the tail end of a joke. I haven’t been this tuned in to a rap beef since Jay & Nas (50 & Ja Rule’s local Queens catty shit bored me to be honest. {and dudes from Queens be so fuckin’ extra for NO reason} though it did result in the end Ja’s career). So I’m thanking both Drake and Push right now. If for no other reason then for reminding (by example) these other clown rappers what this wave is really about. Good Rap Music!  

IMO, the question was never about whether Drake was good or skilled enough to battle Push. Clearly Push believed Drake to be a formidable opponent or he wouldn’t have baited him in the first place. Pusha T is a rapper’s rapper. He wouldn’t have wasted his time, which says a lot about The Boy (a fact some love to argue) The question is can Aubrey be as ruthless as Push? Would he be? If you’re at war or in a battle, you have to fight. This is muthafuckin’ Game of Thrones…Watch The Throne! This is rap music! Kudos Kiddos. This is a music industry bucket list moment. Something you’ll talk about like hip-hop folklore. You’re generation is living through it’s first official rap battle. And it’s real one! –APIMM

Soundtrack for this entry from my schizophrenic iTunes Library.

“Nice Time” –Bob Marley “Hypocrites” –Bob Marley “Duppy Conqueror” –Bob Marley “The Bridge Is Over” – KRS-1 “Set It Off” –Big Daddy Kane “Wu Tang Clan Ain’t Nothin’ To Fuck Wit” –Wu Tang Clan ″4, 3, 2, 1,” -LL Cool J feat. Method Man, Redman, Canibus, DMX ″Second Round K.O.” -Canibus “The Ruler’s Back’ –Jay Z “Takeover” –Jay Z “Ether” –Nas ″Infared” -Pusha T  “Duppy Freestyle” –Drake “Ego”-Clipse “Momma I’m So Sorry” -Clipse ″The Games We Play” -Pusha T “Lord Knows” –Drake feat. Rick Ross “Yes Indeed” –Lil Baby feat. Drake “Camay” –Ghostface Killah feat. Raekwon “Planez” –Jermih feat. J.Cole “Fuckin’ You Tonight” –Notorious B.I.G. “Sexy” –Tank “When We” – Tank “Keep Calm” -dvsn “Be With You” -112 “I Need You” –Alicia Keys “Full of Smoke” –Christion “I’m The Only Woman” –Mary J Blige “The Beggar” –Mos Def “Back to Black” –Amy Winehouse “So Simple” –Alicia Keys “The Waiting Line” –Zero 7