#is this just gonna happen now? 5-10 minute periods of suicidal ideation

[identityarchitect]

ope. ok

[ilovemygaydad]

Friends in Dark Places [remastered; ch 3]

pairing: moxiety and logince (later on) with the addition of others if i feel like it

WARNINGS: mentions of self harm, mentions of suicide, mentions of scars, mentions of throwing up, food mentions, mentions of pain, hospitals, ivs, anxiety, panic attacks, depression, swearing, a knife, blood, insensitive language regarding mental illness, possibly something else

tag list: @hufflepuffgirl01 @cocobearthe4th @cas-is-a-hunter @band-be-boss-blog

a/n: idk why linebreaks don’t wanna work so we’re just gonna pretend they’re there okay thanks bye

chapter 1 - chapter 2 - chapter 4 - chapter 5 - chapter 6 - chapter 7 - chapter 8 - chapter 9 - chapter 10 - chapter 11 - chapter 12 

companion fics: exes and ‘oh’s

-

The first thought that popped into Virgil’s mind when he woke up was that it was far too bright. He squinted, trying to make out something. A dull, throbbing pain coursed through his wrists, and he groaned at the memories. Patton was going to give him so much shit.

It didn’t take too long for Virgil’s eyes to get adjusted to the bright lights. He was in a hospital room, and everything except for his blue smock was bright, clinical white. There wasn’t anyone else in the room with him--for the time being, at least--but a light blue backpack had been discarded on one of the chairs in the corner. Patton must have quickly thrown it together before they’d left.

The door slowly creaked open, and Virgil’s eyes snapped to the movement. Patton creeped through, only standing up straight once he’d realized that Virgil had woken up. A frown spread across his face as he moved to sit in the chair at Virgil’s right side.

“Virgil, you’re lucky that Logan and Roman had a free period today and were able to come get us to the hospital. What you did was very dangerous, though I’m sure that was your intention.

“I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings, but obviously I did, and I’m so sorry about that. Still, we need to talk about your situation because you aren’t fit to be left on your own. I’m not going to force you into any situation you aren’t comfortable with, but I want to keep you safe.” Patton was speaking at a million miles an hour, barely comprehensible due to worry. Virgil shrugged and turned toward the only window in the room, watching the cars pass by on the road many stories below. In the back of his mind, he dreaded having to leave. He’d been in this hospital before on the rare occasion that a family member was dying, and from his memory, the local hospital only had elevators and emergency-only stairwells. Of course, Virgil was wildly afraid of elevators.

Patton was still talking when he tuned himself back in. “I know you didn’t want anyone to find out about your situation, so I cleared it with my parents, and we checked you in under my name and made sure that there would be complete confidentiality. You’ll be covered under my parent’s insurance, so you won’t have to pay for anything. They want to make sure you’re okay and are perfectly fine with this.” He knew that Patton was trying to be comforting, but it just made Virgil feel more guilty. He was taking so much from this family. They were committing fucking insurance fraud for him.

Hot pinpricks formed in Virgil’s eyes. He tried his damnedest to will them away, but they began to slip down his face regardless.

“Hey! Virge, it’s okay. What’s wrong, kiddo?” Patton placed a light hand on top of Virgil’s arm, avoiding the tender spots where the bandages had been wrapped around him. Virgil forced himself to look at his companion. He hadn’t noticed before, but Patton had intense bags under his eyes, suggesting that he hadn’t slept at all during the night. His guilt only grew.

“I’m sorry,” Virgil whispered. “I’m so, so sorry that you have to deal with my depressed emo garbage. You don’t deserve this.”  He was a burden to everyone he met--merely bringing them down with him. There was no escape the sinking ship that was Virgil Thomas. Once you got on, it was hell on earth.

“Y’know,” Patton began. It was obvious that he was trying to pick his words out very carefully. “I’ve been in situations similar to yours. Although they weren’t nearly as intense, I’ve had great doubts about my self-worth. You really are a good person who deserves a good life, Virgil. I can just feel it. I really do want to help you, and I don’t care what I have to sacrifice to get you back on your feet.

“All of that aside, we need to talk about your living situation. Do you have anybody at home who will be worrying your whereabouts?”  Patton laid expectant eyes on Virgil.

“Um, not really. My dad is almost always out of town, and my mom hasn’t been around for years.”

Patton nodded thoughtfully. “Alrighty then. Would you be okay with staying at my house for the foreseeable future? We would obviously have to grab your things from your house, but I’d feel better if you stayed with me. And I’m sure that you’ve seen that we have more than plenty of room for one other person.”

“I guess that’ll be okay.” Virgil’s voice was shaking slightly. He didn’t know whether he should be sad or happy. He was receiving so much kindness, yet he didn’t feel like he deserved it. His thoughts were interrupted when a nurse came into the room.

“Mr. Thomas? I need to ask Mr. Shea some questions. I’d ask that you leave the room… unless Mr. Shea is okay with you staying.” The nurse had a large smile on her face, but it didn’t reach her eyes like Patton’s did.

“Um, I’d rather Pat--uh, Virgil stay in the room, if that’s all right.” Virgil gave her the best smile he could scrounge up, and she gave a curt nod, her brown hair swishing around her face. She took the seat on the opposite side of the bed from Patton.

“Mr. Shea, my name is Nurse Lucy. Do you remember what happened before you were admitted into the hospital?” Nurse Lucy pulled a pen from her pocket and began to write on the clipboard she’d had on the table next to her.

Truthfully, the events of the day had become fuzzy in Virgil’s mind. He could remember with clarity yelling at Patton and running to the bathroom. And then he punched the mirror and cut his knuckles, but after that? He had nothing.

“I don’t really remember anything…” Virgil’s face scrunched up just slightly in thought.

“Well, Mr. Shea, your friend with the tie told us you had a ‘severe panic attack,’ and Mr. Thomas followed up by saying you hurt yourself with ‘broken glass from a mirror’ and then passed out due to a mixture of blood loss and anxiety. Do you remember any of that happening?”

“I remember the panic attack and the mirror part; although, I remember the latter only vaguely.” The teen didn’t really like the direction that these questions were going. They were getting far too close to striking a nerve. As if he’d been reading the other’s thoughts, Patton piped up.

“Nurse Lucy, Vir-- Patton has been through a lot today. How long do you think these questions will take?” Virgil sent a silent thanks to whatever deity that was watching over him.

“Just a few more minutes, Mr. Thomas,” the nurse replied with a saccharine smile. “Mr. Shea, have you had any bouts of depression within the past four months?”

“Yes,” Virgil answered.

“And how long did the depression last?”

“It started when I was fourteen and has been on and off for the past three years.” His hands began to shake.

“Have you had suicidal ideations or attempted suicide in the past four months?” The clinical tone of the nurse’s voice caused Virgil’s breath to hitch. Patton gave a small squeeze, reminding Virgil that he was still there.

“Yes. To both.”

“How long have you been having suicidal thoughts?”

“Since I turned sixteen.” He raised his left hand and ran it through his hair. He already knew the next question she was going to ask before she even opened her mouth.

“When was the last time you attempted to commit suicide?” Time seemed to freeze in the room. Virgil glanced over at Patton, who had a pained expression on his face. Lines of worry were etched across his fair skin, and his normal smile was pressed into a harsh frown.

“Today,” Virgil whispered. It was the truth, and he was sure Patton knew it regardless of if he wanted to believe it or not. He looked at his feet, refusing to let his gaze shift to either of the people at his sides.

“I see,” Nurse Lucy said with sterile crispness. “Since you were admitted due to injuries from a mental illness and have admitted to other mental instabilities, you will need to stay in the hospital for at least three days for further mental examination.” She stood up and smoothed out her pants.

“Um, Nurse, will I be allowed to stay during the exams?” Patton’s soft voice broke through the unrelenting silence.

“That depends on the doctor’s specifications. If you have any questions, I can leave his phone number here so you can discuss with him. Now, if you two will excuse me, I have another patient that I need to check up on.” Virgil could hear her clicking footsteps leave the room and the hollow thunk of the door closing.

“Virge, will you please look at me?” Patton asked with genuine sweetness in his voice, not the fake sugary bullshit that the nurse had given him. Virgil turned his head slowly. His breathing was becoming shallow, and he could feel a panic attack coming on.

“I need you to listen to me, okay? You are going to be okay. I’m going to stay with you through all of it, even if the doctor wants me to leave.” A whole new wave of tears began to stream down Virgil’s face. This time, however, Patton climbed into the hospital bed, bringing his new friend into his arms, not caring about the tears that would end up staining his shirt. They stayed in that position, Virgil crying into Patton’s shoulder, until the former fell asleep.

---

“I don’t understand why we have to run errands for some kid that we barely even know!” Roman complained, crossing his arms with a huff. He and Logan had received a text from Patton that, as soon as school let out, they needed to go to the house of the kid they’d drove to the hospital and pick up anything they thought he’d need, whether it be clothes or electronics or whatever.

“Technically, Roman, we’re not running errands for Virgil. We’re running errands for Patton, who happens to be working to help a stranger. This is for our friend.” Logan turned off the engine of his disgustingly old Dodge Intrepid. He shoved open the squeaky door and walked up to the porch of the large white house.

“Yes, but--” Roman argued as he’d exited from the passenger seat-- “Why do we have to do this? Why can’t he do it?”

“Did you see how Patton was acting when we were checking Virgil into the hospital? He was an emotional wreck. I doubt he’d even leave Virgil’s side if we threatened to murder a puppy right in front of his face. He obviously has some sort of emotional attachment to the kid.” Logan punched in the code to unlock the door. The way that Patton had gotten the code was a mystery that Logan would probably never be able to solve. Shaking the thought from his mind, he pushed open the door and led Roman inside.

The inside of the house was just as plain as the outside. Light grey linoleum tiles lined the floor, and every surface was painted white. Even the doors were white. It was the biggest disgrace to the profession of interior design that either of the teenagers had ever seen.

“The bedroom is upstairs, correct?” Logan asked, looking around for any semblance of a clue that indicated someone actually lived in this house. The whole thing was oddly bare; there were just a few pieces of furniture in each room that he could see.

“Yeah, second door on the right.” Roman had already made it halfway up the stairs by the time he’d finished his sentence. Logan sighed and followed his dramatic friend.

It would have been easy to find out which room was the correct one even if they hadn’t had the directions. The door to Virgil’s room had been painted black and stuck out like a sore thumb against the blaring white of everything else. Roman swung the door open and walked inside with a flourish that only he would add.

“What a dreary nightmare this place is.” Roman grabbed a vinyl sleeve that had been discarded on the floor. American Beauty / American Psycho by Fall Out Boy. With a slight eye roll, he shucked the sleeve onto the desk to his left. He looked to Logan and saw that he’d had already gathered a pile of assorted black clothes onto the black duvet. Shocking.

Roman let out a long sigh and gathered things from the desk. He took a few notebooks that were labeled with school subjects and their corresponding binders, a pencil case, a pair of over-ear headphones and attached cell phone, a well used black eyeshadow single, and a weird little cube with a bunch of buttons on it. He placed them on the bed and grabbed a backpack from the floor, stuffing his finds into it. Logan had pulled a suitcase from somewhere-- probably the closet--and had begun to neatly fold clothes and pack them up.

“I’m going to search for the bathroom to grab Mr. Black Sky’s toiletries.” All Roman got in response was a nod. With a slight eye roll, he left the room and began to peek into each room in the hallway. The one third on the right turned out to be another bedroom, as was the fourth, the one across the hall from that one was a linen closet, and the two down the hall were completely empty. Last, he checked the first door on the right. He opened the door and found a pristinely clean bathroom, minus the spread of toiletries across the counter.

Roman grabbed the toothbrush, toothpaste, and hairbrush that was laying on the ground near the edge of the counter. He picked up a small rectangular metal thing that was hidden behind a stack of washcloths. It suddenly snapped open to reveal a small knife that had little flecks of blood on it. His stomach dropped, and he quickly closed the blade, nearly throwing it back onto the counter.

His mind strayed back to the time when Pat had been having a rough time. He and Logan had stayed up until ungodly hours researching things to help. Roman remembered when he’d clicked on a link and was brought to a website about cutting with graphic images of scars and cuts. Although he was not normally squeamish around blood, the thought of his friend hurting himself had nearly made him throw up.

He’d seen similar scars on Virgil when he’d helped Logan patch up his cuts. A shiver ran through his body. He didn’t want to think about that.

“Roman? Have you acquired everything that you need?” Logan’s voice called from the room over. Roman shook his shoulders and stood up straighter.

“Yeah, Lo. I’ll be there in just a moment.” After throwing one last glance at the knife on the counter, he made his way back to Virgil’s bedroom. Logan grabbed the toiletries from his hands and shoved them into the backpack before slipping it onto his shoulder. The two brought the bags out to the car and stowed them in the back seat. Roman’s memories from the bathroom were soon forgotten when he received another text from Patton.

Patton Delivered at 3:30 pm Virge has to stay in the hospital for the next few days for mental examination. They’re worried about him attempting suicide again. If you guys could pick up a stuffed animal from the gift shop, I’d really appreciate it! <333

Roman Read at 3:31 pm Of course, Pat! We’re just leaving the house now, so we’ll be at the hospital soon. Do you need anything?

Patton Delivered at 3:31 pm Just a water bottle. See you guys when you get here! <33333

Patton Delivered at 3:47 pm I just realized I haven’t had anything to eat since breakfast. Can you grab me something to eat in the cafeteria?

Roman Read at 3:50 pm I’ll add it to the list of things we need to do that Logan’s forcing me to write. Be there in 15.

Patton Delivered at 3:50 pm Awesome! <3

Patton Delivered at 3:54 pm Roman?

Roman Read at 3:54 pm Yes, Patton?

Patton Delivered at 3:55 pm Thank you both. I really appreciate what you’re doing for Virge and I.

Roman Read at 3:56 pm It’s no problem Patton. You’ve had a rough day and deserve some rest.

Patton Delivered at 3:56 pm You and Logan are fam ILY.

chapter 4

[kbreezlaf]

A Letter to Taylor Swift

Dear Taylor,

Lover era. 2019. This album makes 7 albums and 13 years that I’ve been a fan.

Never in my wildest dreams (ha, get it?) did I think that this girl I was running around forcing people in 9th grade homeroom to listen to on my portable CD player would impact my life so much.

Truth is, when I think of some of the biggest moments of my life, I can always coincide them with you.

2013 - I had my first major heartbreak, shortly after the release of Red. To be honest, I really disliked Red for the longest time and I think it’s because I associate it with this time period. I’ve felt some of the deepest heartbreaks but this one, my first major one, will always cut me the deepest. I remember screaming “Loving Hume was red” over and over (and over and over) - and so do my roommates. It was guaranteed you would walk by my door and Red would be on repeat. Shortly after the heartbreak (like not even a month later), I was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. It was shortly after this diagnosis and some back and forth with my first heartbreak when I knew I needed to cut all ties with him that I stopped listening and really disliking Red. After some years, Red has become my absolute favorite album due to how raw, how emotional and how RELATABLE it was to me at the time it was released even if I wasn’t ready to face that pain yet.

2014 - I had my first REAL relationship. Like a relationship that was going somewhere - we lived together, he was the first man I ever told “I love you” and heard the words back. We adopted two dogs together. We went on a Disney trip together. On our first year anniversary is when 1989 came out (October 27, 2014). At this time, he’d already started abusing me. He got so deep into my head telling me that no one would ever love me like he did because of how big I was, because of how weird I was, and because “What grown woman is this obsessed with Taylor Swift?” (Yes, this was something he’d throw at me). I can’t feign innocence in that relationship, I had retaliation. Overall that relationship was toxic... but he was my first love and for every bad thing he did, he did some good as well.

2015 - The 1989 tour. Despite my years of fandom, I’d never been able to see you in concert. And thanks to my ex in-laws, this year I finally did. And it was while I sat, floor seats, at Gillette that my first love, while you sang Love Story, got down on one knee and proposed to me. The video still circulates on my old tumblr (kbreez) which I no longer have access to. This moment, despite all the bad in our relationship, was something so amazing and memorable. Not only was I finally seeing you in person, but here I was leaving with a ring on my finger and a fiancé, a future husband.

When I went dress shopping a month or two after the proposal, I walked into David’s Bridal and who was playing? You, of course. And then my consultant introduced herself as Taylor. It was a joke with my mother that obviously I was going to find my dress today because the theme was basically Taylor Swift themed. I tried on 5 dresses and a last minute one, my mom pulled off the hanger and said “Just humor me”. As I had it zipped, you started playing again.... and I looked in the mirror and cried. The dress of my dreams. I could have gotten married in it the next day with no alterations AND it was on sale AND Taylor was playing while I tried it? We bought it right then and there.

2016 - In 2016, I came down with a pretty severe case of Depression stemming from my Borderline where suicidal ideations snuck their way in. With a lot of therapy, settled medications, I was able to get to myself... and I was finally able to see my worth. I left my fiancé after almost 3 years together and 3 months before the wedding. I remember driving home from work the day my parents moved my things and “Dog Days Are Over” came on and I remember singing and laughing. And then “Clean” came on and I remember crying of happiness and relief. It took me a while and while he always holds a piece of my heart, I did it. I escaped.

2017 - In August 2017, after being completely torn apart and brought down to shreds by my “rebound”, I met a guy. Not my normal type but his words were kind and I figured I’d give him a chance. The first week him and I began talking, you made the announcement for Reputation. We were together from August until November when we broke up - a week before Reputation came out. As always, perfect timing. Unfortunately, at this time, despite the power I had I leaving my abusive relationship, I lost it again with this guy. We moved in together and it was a whirlwind romance. I had his daughter every weekend while he “worked”.

I had just gotten my taxes, it was Super Bowl Sunday. I was fully prepared to spend the money on Reputation tickets for myself and my then boyfriend’s two daughters. I remember saying this to him and it, of course, turned into a fight. I steadily paid our rent, all our bills, provided for his daughter every weekend... but now he was trying to tell me what to do with my money.

On this Sunday, I had been getting dizzy and feeling weird a lot the week leading up to it... and it was me not feeling good when he went to take his daughter home that I realized I was about 4 days late... and sure enough, I saw the line and the first thing I did? Texted one of my best friends, bawling my eyes out because I was gonna have a baby and know what that meant? I couldn’t afford Taylor Swift tickets (silly but true).

About 3 months into my pregnancy, I caught my daughter’s dad cheating. I moved into my grandmother’s and prepared to face this pregnancy and raising a child on my own all alone. I had an extreme pregnancy. I was diagnosed with Hyperemesis Gravidarum - extreme morning sickness. I lost about 30 pounds, was in the hospital every weekend, and kept absolutely nothing down. I was out of work from July until I gave birth.

At the beginning of July, I cried almost every day because pregnancy hormones was making the fact that I couldn’t afford to attend the Reputation tour that much worse as it approached the Gillette dates. I belong to a group of women on Facebook, and one kind stranger reached out one morning asking me for me email. I tentatively gave it to her and about 10 minutes later, she messaged me to check my email - because she’d bought me two tickets to the Reputation tour because she’d followed my story and thought I deserved it. I can’t thank this stranger for her kindness enough and she’s since gotten rid of her Facebook and I don’t know how to contact her. But on July 26, 7 months pregnant, 3 years and 1 day after my first Taylor swift show and getting proposed to at the 1989 tour, I got to take my daughter (although still in the womb) to her first concert.

Around the time of me attending the Reputation tour, I met someone. We were just friends - after all, I was 7 months pregnant. He became my rock. He was my best friend, my confidante. He helped me through the tough moments of pregnancy. We spent a lot of times the movies as I couldn’t do much due to how sick I was. He was one of the first people I texted when my daughter was born.

For a little bit after her birth, him and I lost touch.

Well when ME! Was announced, we started speaking again. I don’t know what prompted it, honestly. But I’m glad. As we prepared for Lover, our friendship grew into something more. I’ve watched him fall in love with my daughter, and I can honestly say that this is the man I will most likely marry. And it’s all happening and blossoming during the release of Lover. “I hate accidents except when we went from friends to this” ;)

I know a Lover tour is on the horizon of being announced and I can promise you I will be there... and this time with my daughter for her first concert outside of the womb.

All of my major moments, I can tie to you. I want to thank you for all you’ve done, all you’ve given me, for every memory and feeling I can tie to every single one of your songs.

Thank you for the last 13 years, Taylor. Thank you for the years to come. Thank you for everything you’ve done for me and your fans and will continue to do. I can truly say that I love you like I love a best friend because you have been there for me in all my moments like a best friend should.

Long live 💜

@taylorswift