#prommy im not gonna do anything
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ope. ok
#is this just gonna happen now? 5-10 minute periods of suicidal ideation#still fine btw [genuine]#prommy im not gonna do anything#im honestly sort of conflicted because like. on the one hand. posting about suicidal ideation is a good way to get people very worried#(which again you genuinely dont need to be. im fine)#but like. this is my blog dot com. i just post shit on here#if you want me to tag these posts i can do so#oh. wait i do have#(dejected) pass the yuri...#not exactly a vent but yknow#but i can tag them for suicide mention or w/e too
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theres a really. special kind of despair in the uncertainty brought about by moments of success and achievement. the inevitable “what now” of reaching your goals. and i kind of wish someone had warned me how hollow graduating university would feel, tbh
#taylor.txt#im miserable primarily for other reasons right now but i dont think i appreciated how much this just…wouldnt feel like anything#i think especially in my case as someone who so desperately needed ‘going away to college’ to get out of my childhood situation#and now for the past 5 years everything ive done has been for the purpose of getting my degree and finishing school#like im fine i guess i just kind of wish i could feel proud of myself or happy its over instead of like dreading the ceremony and feeling#like everything i have to do for grad is just one more thing i have to check off a list. getting my grad photos done felt nice but idk#it kind of feels like no one really cares which. idk why i would expect it to NOT feel that way. but yeah#tl;dr im around Kinda…need to finish stuff up but im over the really busy part of this all. kinda just coasting to the end here tbh#when this is over i’m gonna get to my request fics. prommy. wanted to do them over the long weekend but i was sick :(#anyway like to be clear im fine. people have been pointing out today i seem down and i think embarrassingly a collection of my students#noticed me crying on the bus today but thats life i guess you make do. im sad and thats ok. tbh
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repeating “jealousy is a disease get well soon bitch” in my head every time i block rude anons and delete hatemail so i can try to brush it off but i am not ur strongest soldier so can you all stop being mean 🩷 please
#♡.gabi barks#im okay i prommy (im crying rn)#like omg seriously what did i do!!!!! i dont do anything but mind my fucking business!!!! and talk to my precious little friends!!!!!! but#apparently i cant even do that bc no matter what i always get meanies in my inbox 🤞#like im seriously not doing anything i just came back and im already receiving asks telling me to kms and deactivate like do yall realize#im a person too.. like im literally real and i have feelings and im not a complete ditz#like what is so hard about treating people with kindness!!!!#ive spent all morning blocking mean anons and deleting asks and trying to brush off the mean words i see and receive and it hurts!!!!#im just a girl#if u send hate or tslk meanly to or about me im assuming ur a LEWSER and have no life bc i dont even do anything fr!!!!! im coolin!!!!!#i was gonna post this with the jealousy is a disease get well soon girl meme but i couldnt find it#anyway im fine!!!! (as im actively texting my therapist)#no bc im so upset and so angry WHAT AM I DOING WRONG#what am i doing to deserve this like please give me a valid answer so i can fix it im so tired of being sad and mistreated and bullied :(#i know i promised i was gna try to be more active but my little heart is so heavy and sad
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i have an ask from @demigaydemigod in my inbox rn that i was like "oh let me respond to this with a ficlet"
well. me being me, that "ficlet" is now 5k and counting and largely unrelated to the actual ask because it turned into a character study oops
#and thats unedited#i usually add a good 1k when im editing because i tend to put down the bones of the ideas#and flesh them out more later#like there's one part thats only 2 paragraphs but i would like to go into detail on it#im on the last leg of the fic now but who knows how many words thats gonna be#i went like a week without writing and banged out 2k today in one sitting. im unstoppable#dorito.txt#when you said mountain would do anything to get out of that muzzle i guarantee this is not what you had in mind#i would say im sorry but im not#there is smut tho i prommy#or well. there will be by the time im done
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and unfortunately i am like the equivalent of one of those true crime girlies but like, with white collar crime and corporate scandals. except instead of getting paranoid about random people minding their own business being serial killers coming for me, i just keep telling every tall skinny whiteboy friend about how much financial crime they could get away with if they put on the right posture and confidence.
#is this worse or better. is this worse or better.#they never take me up on it. the whiteboys ive collected tend to be too kind and awkward to do any of this tbh#BUT IMAGINE.....WHAT YOU COULD GET AWAY WITH.....#sorry my dad once told me about a job he was contracted to do to set up some computer equipment for some college#and apparently a day or two later he was contacted because someone just walked in with confidence and stole thousands of dollars of equimen#and they wanted to know if he saw anything. he didnt cause he didnt really work there but apparently it was just some tall skinny white guy#glasses simple short hair probably a plaid button up. it was the 80s. you could do anything if you looked like that. its crazy#maybe my dad should have never told me about that because it like lit a fire in my eyes. im not gonna do any white collar crime i prommy#but lemme tell you. i think about it. all the time HJSKHKDS im too conspicuous but MAN if i was a tall skinny whiteboy.............#and okay the financial ciminal possessing my body aside - i also just get really into this stuff#its my favourite nonfiction stuff to read about. like to get serious for a sec: i wanna see companies get caught is the thing#being into this stuff tho - you will feel a lot of righteous and burning anger about how little these companies end up paying#so many huge life ruining corporate scandals have only just barely started paying out damages to victims like. maybe this year#it can feel like a start to see shit like whatever was going on with we charity or somehting get noticed#but theres always still a long way to go. still exploitation going unchecked. it keeps on happening but i wont forget
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daigo lurking in the hot topic until finally someone asks him if he works there and he just has to awkwardly be like no...... sorry......
#snap chats#aka things that happened to me today part 86 EIDNSZL#its what happens when your indecisive ass hangs around the shit for an hour until people just assume You Work There....#he might as well if you asked him where something was he might be snappy at first but he’d tell you#but anyways NOOOO I DIDNT MEAN TO BUY AN OUTFIT TODAYDOSBDKSK#oh well.... i went my whole teenagehood not buying clothes its ok....#but yeah. they never gave me hot cash before ????? they just gave me coupons#and i forgot to bring my coupon from LAST time because. i wasnt supposed to buy anything today 🕴#this post was just so i could talk bout hot cash cause ik we talked bout it before </3#i just wanted to get out of the house 🕴#but NOOOOO my friend finally was able to comm me after wanting to for so long... and then i let it get to my head 😔#if you knew me durinn my persona days you knew i had this terrible habit of getting adachi shit as soon as i got paid#and i PROMMY i dont intend to fall back into that spendin habit 😔 if you guys catch me buying more shit thats non essential or cosplay stuff#yell at me please ty#oh well 😔 here this is an investment watch ill draw daigo in the goofy outfit i got today#ill even give him some of the rings i go last time. because i forgot to Last Time ☠️☠️#anyway. guess im going home now. EW.#but im gonna watch that movie when i do.. hehe.....
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oh god I just realized I probably seemed off my tits high when I spoke to my teacher just now
#like normally in lesson i rarely speak unless picked on and i barely talk to the people im supposed to work with#but today i went to him after school asked him to look at my uni application and pitched a stage play i want to write to him#all while struggling to keep a single train of thought for more than a few seconds and stutterinf a lot#it was only caffeine + autism i prommy i didnt do anything harder than that#i do have a headache now so im probably gonna crash soon#which is lucky for u guys bc otherwise i would probably end up making loads of masturbatory critical literary textposts#sweet meowthings
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woke up feeling ruffff but took my meds and went back to bed for a while n I feel a bit better
#only slept 4 hrs yesterday so was rly hoping to get a solid nights sleep today bc i probably won't tonight....#but i didnt sigh. but my options are either to plough thru w today and make myself do this even tho i dont rly feel like it#or cancel plans and stay in and mope which will inevitably turn into self harm so rly the latter is a non option lmao#its all okay ill get into the swing of things n have a good time once im thereee#and i always knew i was gonna feel a bit like this like its an open wound for me i just need to be careful not to touch it#bc how i feel isnt based in reality its just insecurity n vulnerability n ik it can take months to fully recover from a previous episode#and part of the recovery process needs to involve facing potentially triggering situations instead of avoiding them#bc otherwise ill get increasingly worse bc its not possible to always avoid and ill be defenceless again when it does happen again etc#like its part of rebuilding my sense of self n confidence n hopefully i can eventually start to trust other ppl again n lower my guard#bc it sucks being contorted into this defensive pose all the time and i would like to allow myself to feel genuine connection w others !!#and to stop instinctively flinching and waiting for the hit im tired of my mind telling me ppl r lying + trying to hurt me when theyre not#im being a bit dramatic like i am doing a LOT better than i was a few weeks ago. n i def can handle this one#and the risk of triggering myself is much much lower anyway in this specific situation. so long as theyre not hiding shit from me again#i can think of several ways that risk could skyrocket n unexpectedly spiral out of my control n it makes it hard to breathe just imagining#but i need to believe that it wont. so if-no WHEN it doesnt then next time ill have proof that i can navigate it n i wont feel so anxious#it makes me laugh how stupid this is from an outside perspective. my brain causes me so much weird n 100% unnecessary distress#but its the only brain ive got n will always have so i need to work with it!!#anyway all that aside i genuinely am rly looking forward to this afternoon!! ive rly wanted to start doing more nice things for myself#n the fact it coincides w missing smth that could incite my rsd is kind of for the best even if it is making me anxious#i cant let my life revolve around anticipating how ppl might upset me n basing my decisions off minimising that damage#n while it would be nice to have company.. well ik its just as fun going alone bc ive done it before! n i need a reminder of that#ah im gonna turn myself in circles if i think much more. i dont need to justify anything#i hope they have a nice time and i hope i have a nice time and i hope that eventually someday we can have a nice time together instead#of separately. and i hope that someday ill feel included and wanted by other ppl and wont be posting on tumblr every time this happens LOL#this comes across like im saying i need to learn how to enjoy my own company or whatever but i prommy i already do..#what i actually need to learn is how to trust n enjoy the company of ppl i care abt without constantly being scared theyll hurt me....#but thats not happening today cuz i got other plans woooo OKAYY im gonna stop ruminating and get some chores done sjdkfh#.vent#<- well not rly a vent bc its not like im channelling feelings here im just rambling bc i have a lot on my mind. but still#this is prolly incoherent i keep putting my phone down and doing other things and then adding another thought LOL
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fellas its lookin real grim rn im ngl
#misc#kinda fucked up that this fleshblob is being soooo restrictive rn :/#kinda fucked up that i cant shapeshift into literally anything thas kinda unswag :/#kinda fucked up that i cant transcend time and space tbh :/#kinda fucked up that i cant magic my way outta situations either :/#kinda fucked up that i cant break the laws of reality a lil. for the funsies :/#kinda fucked up i cant dimension travel or realityshift or w/e the youngins r doin these days :/#kinda fucked up that i literallllyyyyyyyy cnant do any of these things rn ://////////////////////////#whatre u supposed to even do with this damn thing anywaysss wtf#should prolly put this on my ⎇ blog. idc idc idc#hashtag dysphoria hours!!!! im gonna do a flip about it#we r goin insane just a lil bit just a smidge i prommy
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finally hav some time dis mornie before work to send cutiest girl chloe a lil luv letter 💖🌈 happi thursday ! ! wat’s on da schedule 2dai ? omgz also . . do u hav any recipe recommendations for mi ? ! looking to expand my repertoire n’ i thought i wld ask u . . . :3:3 u always seem like u cook n bake da best things eee ૮꒰ྀི ´∩∩` ꒱ྀིა wishing my fave lover girl & her lover boy da bestest most magical thursday + weekend ahead , muahmuahMuah ! 🐾
omg my sweetest flower coco!! ૮꒰⸝⸝> ̫ <⸝⸝꒱ა hiii!! i just got off of my lunch break at work & after work i’m gonna hang w my bff & i think we’re gonna get some sushi!! ꒰♡˃̶̤́ ꒳ ˂̶̤̀ ꒱ but ooo i haven’t baked in a few months but i love cheesecakes sm!! i once made a super delish chocolate cheesecake & it was heavenly!! when i usually bake i make lots of cookies & lots of cheesecakes w either fresh fruits or dark chocolate!! °ʚ(*´꒳`*)ɞ° i adore you & i adore hearing from you sm!!! forever flattered you’d come to me for recipe advice omg!!! kissin your cheeks & forcing gepard & blade to take you to the prettiest garden ever!! (*ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)ꕤ*.ﾟlove you forever & always!!
#coco omg hello my love!! my heart flutters sm seeing your url in my mailbox!! (੭ु ›ω‹ )੭ु⁾⁾♡#im sorry i dont have any specific recipes on hand but im gonna look after work & send u a few!! i prommy! i love baking sm omg!!#i hope work has been goin so v well for you bby!! & that the sun is shining so super bright on you!! ଘ(੭ˊ꒳ˋ)੭✧#do you have anyth fun planned 2day!! i’d love to hear!!! :3#i love you forever & always!! dont you forget it!! <333#*ੈ✩‧₊˚miuchii#( ˘ ³˘)♡moots!#⋆°˖➴ p.o. box!
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#one day i will get better i prommy#but i first need to get over the fact that my summer is going to go horribly probably and im not gonna accomplish any of the things#i wanted to do before junior college but oh well. such is life.#and this is how its going to be until i can get independent and leave this house#like yeah i think my mom was right when she said im worthless and incapable of doing anything right
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Best case scenario, I could potentially have Libero a Due chapter 2 out on Sunday. I already have over 5k written and all I have left to write is what I was most excited about. Aka I'm gonna be writing tonight & tomorrow before work, and I Might be able to finish with the writing. If so, I have Sunday off work and I can spend it working on finishing up the chapter & editing & posting. & if not Sunday, then Soon.
#speculation nation#ladue shit#i am just. feelin it ok#i want to do some edits to chapter 1 before i post chapter 2#honestly chapter 1 reads surprisingly strong considering i wrote it two whole years ago#im not gonna change anything with plot or w/e but i wanna do an edit sweep just to fix some small things#maybe rework a few sentence structures. the like.#'modernizing' it in the sense of making it so it's not Too huge of a style difference between chapters 1 and 2#bc my writing has definitely developed since then. & i can tell ladue is older writing#but it still is pretty damn strong. me reading that like Man this is actually really good#i am GOING to give u a chapter 2 violinist goro... i prommy...
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the best and worst part of each year is that i have to go into my art folders and group every everytthing together into a new folder labeled "2022" and leave it Forever beside the others. like it feels freeing in a sense but its also like man. You know
#im doing my art summary#and i dont have anything for december yet#so im gonna wait until the last ass minute#ILLLLL Get something out by then i prommy
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im sleepy i wish yoomtah was here..........holding me...................
#i miss posting on this blog but i got too mentally ill in the bad way and stopped posting as much anywhere ig Hitting my brain with a stick#i wanna talk abt yoomtah but how am i supposed to do that if im not posting on my yoomtah blog</3#then again i either need more mutuals or i need to talk to mutuals who im too shy to message :')#but also no ones gonna wanna be mutuals with me or talk to me IF IM NOT MAKING GOOD POSTS#I'LL MAKE MORE ORIGINAL YANPOSTS SOON I PROMMY</3#tobi.txt#tldr brain not receiving enough yoomtah fuel but im too tired to do what i need to do to get yoomtah so im just here#well the intense guilt i feel when someone does something for me or i ask for anything before ive done something for them too does not help#but thats just me Hashtag girl
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oh shit I haven't made a cursed post in a while uhhhhhhhh. weamstorld
#steamworld#guys the moment i have some free time and stop obsessively playing a/ce a/ttorney im gonna have content to post i swear#im letting this video game consume me instead of doing literally anything productive 😔😔#good news though i have an idea for a heist fic and if i manage to find the energy i might actually write it. crazy shit i tell you#so yeah. i love you guys thank you for not blocking me a year ago <3 im gonna post stuff as soon as possible i prommy
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im not even gonna say anything abt the minecraft movie trailer i hope nobody says anything about that thing ever and it flops and they never do that kinda shit again. just like the damn mario movie shouldve flopped but no you guys went and paid to see it and pretended that bowser song from it was good. im sorry you guys know that despite my occasionally pretentious attitude i very much love me some very popular media and some all ages entertainment but you might as well be discussing and making fan content of youtube kids finger family nursery rhymes. except with a budget of 100 quintillions and vast amounts of severely underpaid labor. the stench. like i prommy i prommy im not normally the kinda person who gets mad about this type of stuff i mean damn man my url and pfp are from a disney channel animated show. but this, this whole thing, this is the type of shit where thinking about the money and effort being put into it the sweat and blood the physical and mental health of the artists the budget the fuckin. carbon footprint of it all. genuinely make my head hurt so bad. it could all be going somewhere else. anywhere else. like there has to be a line. there has to be a point where youre just like Ok this is stupid. if youre reading this dont engage with that shit. you yes you. ignore its existence. live in a world where nobodys making that kinda shit. have a smoothie. play some minecraft (pirated). donate to a fundraiser. go to sleep. 8 hours.
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