#but i can tag them for suicide mention or w/e too

[identityarchitect]

ope. ok

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hi Steph, how are you lovely? Thank you again for everything you do for us! I'm sort of in the mood for fun Johnlock marijuana fics. John and Sherlock accidentally or not so accidentally getting high (and preferably naughty). I just finished lifeonmars' 'Smoke' and itching for more 🤭

Hi Nonny!

AHHHH okay I honestly don't think I HAVE any that I've read? If I do they'll be on one of my Drugs lists:

Self Harm, Danger Nights, and Drugs

Drugs and Drugging Pt 2

Drugs and Drugging Pt 3

I did a quick look on my MFL list and here is what showed up when I did a tag search... I haven't read them so I don't know if the drugs referenced IS pot/weed... If anyone has others that they can or would like to add, please do!

RECREATIONAL DRUG USE (MFLs)

Smoke by lifeonmars (T, 4,827 w., 1 Ch. || Marijuana, Recreational Drug Use, Fluff, Humour, Rock and Roll) – Sometimes time and space collide to show you something you've been missing. Sherlock's pipe helps.

Better Than by pandoras_chaos (E, 9,869 w. || Marijuana / Drug Use, Oral / Anal Sex, Awkwardness, Pining) – Mrs Hudson looked up at him and started giggling, seemingly unable to help herself as she clutched at her stomach and leaned back into the sofa cushions. Sherlock felt his face twitch, and he tried to contain the rumbling chuckles as they spilled forth from his throat, but it was useless. "The thing about John...?" she prompted after a few minutes of breathless laughter. "Ah! Yes," Sherlock sighed, reaching for the ashtray and collecting the expertly rolled joint, "The thing about John is..." he brought the lighter up to the end of the paper, took a drag and held it for a moment, feeling his chest expand with the fragrant smoke. "He's..." he exhaled long and low. "He's fucking brilliant." Mrs Hudson let loose a bark of high, girlish laughter. "You mean he's brilliant at fucking, dear," she corrected, reaching for the bag of crisps on the table. Sherlock felt his cheeks flush, but his face split into a sly grin. "I wouldn't know, Hudders." He sighed a bit wistfully, "I really wouldn't know."

Sit Pretty For Me by LipstickDaddy (E, 19,502 w., 10 Ch. || Alternate First Meeting Pre-S1, Recreational Drug Use, Light BDSM, Strangers to Lovers, Matchmaker Mike, Light Angst, Happy Ending) – What if John and Sherlock met once before, at an underground sex club, a decade before Mike Stamford introduced them that afternoon at Bart’s?

On Dates, Drugs, and Destiny by squire (T, 20,055 w., 3 Ch. || ASiP Divergence, Romance, Arranged Marriage, Crack, Humour, Fluff, Angst, Misunderstandings, Love Confessions, Developing Relationship, First Kiss, Jealousy, Friends to Lovers, Courting, Drugs / Recreational Drug use, Case-Related Drug Use, Sherlock Being an Idiot, Meddling Mycroft) – When Sherlock Holmes and John Watson first meet in the lab at Bart's, it isn't actually for the first time. But why does only one of them know this - and should the other one keep the secret, or will revealing the truth ruin their friendship forever? A story of John being not Sherlock's date, of Sherlock being around way too much drugs, and a Destiny that always has to have the last word.

Heart on a String by AngelSpirit (E, 23,257 w., 1 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Alternate First Meeting, First Kiss / Time, Infidelity, Angst, Fluff, Kidlock/Teenlock, Mentions of Recreational Drug Use) – John and Sherlock got married with Cracker Jack rings when they were 7 yrs old. It wasn’t official, but for their whole lives they took it very seriously.

Gilded Cages by MaryLouLeach (E, 52,323 w., 21 Ch. || Supernatural Creatures AU || Rape/Non-Con, Graphic Violence, Suicide Attempt, Attempted Murder, Vampires and Werewolves, Blood Drinking, Slavery, Dom/Sub Undertones, Torture, Anal Sex, Turning, Recreational Drug Use, Drug Addiction, Dark Sherlock, Protective Mycroft, Possessive Sherlock, Bonding, War, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Angst, Child Abuse) – The vampire remained motionless in the dark of his prison; his eyes clasped shut as if he were sleeping. However Vampires didn’t sleep, or rather this one did not. Sleeping would bring dreams; dreams were solely a human condition, whereas nightmares, nightmares were what plagued the sleep of the immortal. Sherlock knew he was a monster, and even now in this hellish prison locked in the unfurnished room, he felt the darkness of soul start to fester. Pushing at him and all he wished to do was silence it, he needed his fix needed more. The last addict he fed on wasn’t enough. He needed more, needed to shut out the screaming that plagued him that weighed him down and kept him shackled to his hunger. Part 1 of the GILDED series

Your Many Tendencies Series by apliddell (T, 52,222+ w. across 5 works || WiP || Femlock, POC Characters, Enby Character, Sherlock’s Violin, YouTuber John, UST, Mutual Pining, Misunderstandings, Slow Burn, Domesticity, Fluff, Recreational Drug Use, Friends to Lovers, Sherlock’s Past, First Kiss, Love Confessions, John’s Family, Christmas, Anxious Sherlock, Hurt / Comfort, Institutional Racism) – John Watson returns to London after a long absence, somewhat the worse for wear. She meets Sherlock Holmes, and starts feeling excited about life again.

Save Me or Let Me Drown by GubraithianFire (E, 72,986 w., 16 Ch. || Shameless AU || Dysfunctional Family, Alcoholism, Recreational Drug Use, Angst, Humour, Clubbing, Bipolar Disorder, Custody Battle, Mutual Pining, Family Fluff, Smut, Handcuffs, Anal Sex, Shower Sex, Rimming, Come Shot, Angst With Happy Ending) – How Sherlock escaped from his family, John sacrificed everything to his, and how, together, they built their own. Part 1 of the The Watsons series

Filthy/Gorgeous by MirabileLectu (E, 87,951 w., 12 Ch. || Prostitution, Alternate First Meeting, First Time, Recreational Drug Use, Drugs, Angst, Drama)– Even if this was legal, even if there was nothing technically wrong with what he was doing he knew that if he were caught, or if he were seen by someone he knew, or if he were found out in any way the shame would never, ever die. What would his regiment say? What would his family say? What would anyone say if they discovered that John was currently in a cab on the way to pick up a male prostitute for the evening?

To Light Another's Path by BeautifulFiction (E, 128,654 w., 19 Ch. || Post-TGG, Sick Fic, Hurt/Comfort, Drug Addiction / Recreational Drug Use, First Time / Kiss, Case Fic) – Teaching John to observe seems to be a losing battle, but when Sherlock falls ill and submits himself to John's care, will he realise that there is more to life than the science of deduction? Meanwhile, there is a murder to solve, and John must try and convince Sherlock not to sacrifice his own health for the sake of the case.

[ambiguousdisorderken]

in your expert opinion what are some of the most destiel-heavy episodes of spn? i stopped watching around season 7 and have no interest in engaging w the plot of the show at all but i’m in the mood for some gay yearning ykwim

Hi anon! Thank you for reaching out to me about this, I’m, no-joke, very flattered. I’d seen a couple posts on this same question, very thorough and detailed lists on Destiel-centric episodes, but at the moment I cannot find any of them, that would’ve answered your request much faster. So, in advance, sorry, my reply is probably coming in extremely late, but I did write this from scratch, so yeah.

Even though storylines in SPN can be very shitty and hollow, I do feel that to get the full Destiel experience -that long-drawn yearning- one would have to watch the entirety of the show, even if Cas isn’t in the episode or if there’s no explicit mention of their relationship/bond because it gives you a better understanding of them as characters and of how their relationship affects the narrative.

Now, you mentioned you stopped around S7, which is completely understandable and justified given the Dick plot game was very weak and, in my opinion, annoying (so little Cas!). I’m going to start listing from S7 in case you want to refresh your SPN before jumping straight into unseen episodes. Also, since you mentioned no interest in the plot and are specifically craving those sweet crumbs of gay yearning, I’ll skip most one-sided / too subtle episodes and cut to the chase.

Lastly, I hate spoiling things, but you’ve probably seen it all on Tumblr. I tried to keep the episodes’ descriptions short, as it might come in useful. Stuck to key words, quotes and/or little comments.

 Season 7

7x01 – Meet the New Boss: Godstiel, sincere apology. Cas: “I'm gonna find some way to redeem myself to you.”

7x02 – Hello, Cruel World: Mourning. Trench coat melancholy. The heart-wrenching eulogy: “Dumb son of a bitch.”

7x17 – The Born-Again Identity: Emmanuel!Cas, reunion, longing, hurt.

7x21 – Reading is Fundamental: Honey!Cas, hug, hurt, reunion, that painful SORRY (board game) scene.

7x23 – Survival of the Fittest: Honey!Cas, forgiveness, adorable, wified Cas. Dean hits us with: “Nobody cares that you're broken, Cas!" but also “I'd rather have you, cursed or not.”

Season 8 (this season is so good and Destiel is the driving motor of it, I swear. If you can, watch it complete.)

8x01 – We Need to Talk About Kevin: Dean in Purgatory looking for the angel.  Cas is referred to as “your [Dean’s] angel.”

8x02 – What’s Up, Tiger Mommy?: HUG!!!, Purgatory reunion, face touch, very romantic. Monster: “ You'll find your angel there.” //  Dean: “Let me bottom-line it for you. I'm not leaving here without you.”

8x05 – Blood Brother: Cas vs. Benny cat fight lol. Dean: “Cas... we're gonna shove your ass back through the eye of that needle if it kills all three of us.”

8x07 – A Little Slice of Kevin: Cas comes back from Purgatory, but before that Dean starts seeing him in places. Very tragic; hallucinating your dead significant other trope. Has That boner scene. Dean: “I did everything I could to get you out! EVERYTHING!” Cas helps Dean see what truly happened in Purgatory and not his self-altered memories. PACKED!

8x08 – Hunteri Heroici: Hilarious, romantic, intimate. Dean and Cas have an heart to heart. They actually communicate. Cas “I’ll watch over you.”

8x10 Torn and Frayed: They work a case together, and when I say heart eyes…

8x17 – Goodbye Stranger: THIS. EPISODE. Dean “I need you.”

8x19 – Taxi Driver: Separation. Naomi to Dean: "You're hoping Castiel will return to you. I admire your loyalty; I only wish he felt the same way."

8x22 – Clip Show: Lack of trust, hurt, tense interactions. Romantic too (basically, Cas gets Dean an apology basket).

8x23 – Sacrifice: Meaningful conversation and a gay couple hit by Cupid parallel. Dean “So this is it? E.T goes home?"

 Season 9

9x01 – I think I’m Gonna Like it Here: Dean prays to Cas IN.A.CHAPEL. Worry, longing, separation. Dean “Please, man, I need you here.”

9x03 – I’m No Angel: Human!Cas and jealous!Dean.

9x06 – Heaven Can’t Wait: Human!Cas TEXT-BOOK LONGING. GAY AS FUCK. Gazing, touching, they even TALK (for real).

9x09 – Holy Terror: Adorable Cas, flirty vibes, happyish, funny. Cas: “Cas is back in town!”

9x10 – Road Trip: Cas comforts Dean, Cas and Crowley bitching at each other, overall protective!Cas.

9x18 – Metafiction. Cas finds out about the Mark of Cain.

9x21 – King of the Damned: Hug, strong boyfriends vibes.

9x22 – Stairway to Heaven: Cas gives up an entire army, for Dean. Metatron about Cas “He's in love………………………. with humanity.”

9x23  – Do You Believe in Miracles?: At this point, it’s canon stated that Cas will do anything and lose everything if that means saving Dean. Metatron to Cas “You draped yourself in the flag of heaven, but ultimately, it was all about saving one human, right?”

 Season 10

10x01 – Black: Demon!Dean and sick/brokenhearted Cas in a slutty robe missing his man.

10x03 – Soul Survivor: ICONIC. Angel on Demon action! Cas turns down Hannah because he’s too gay and in love. Intimate Deancas talk.

10x05 – Fan Fiction: No Cas, but Destiel references. 

10x09 – The Things We Left Behind: That.Lunch.Date. Deancas introduction to co-parenting.

10x14 – The Executioner’s Song: We get Daddy Murder aka Cain. This is a Pivotal episode to understand Dean’s character development. Plus, it has Deancas interactions.

10x16 – Paint It Black: No Cas, but Dean opens up in confessionary; repressed BISEXUAL AS FUCK.

10x18 – Book of the Damned: Charlie meets Cas. Gay energies everywhere. Cute domestic little scene.

10x20 – Angel Heart: PARENTING! Essential to understand Cas from this point forward.

10x22 – The Prisoner: Just… just watch it. One of THEE Destiel episodes.

10x23 – Brother’s Keeper: No Deancas interactions but it’s the finale, and I recommend watching it because next season takes off literally right from here. No time jumps.

 Season 11

11x02 – Form and Void: Could skip to the very end which is when Cas comes back.

11x03 – The Bad Seed: Cursed!Cas. Dean takes care of him, even wraps him in a blanket. He also cradles his face. Extreme Hurt/Comfort. Jacting joices rejoice.

11x10 – The Devil in the Details: Could skip but has Casifer in it. Interesting to see his dynamic with Dean.

11x18 – Hell’s Angel: Casifer. Dean "It? It's not an it, Sam, it's Cas!"

11x23 – Alpha and Omega: Huggg! Cas willing to go on a guaranteed suicide mission with Dean. Very tender and sad.

 Season 12

12x02 – Keep Calm and Carry On: ANOTHER HUG! Dean presents his boyfriend to his mom<3 Soft and romantic.

12x09 – First Blood: Reunion hug<3, Cas pining… as in he counts his every minute without Dean.

12x10 – Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets: Direct parallel with canon couple. Crystal-clear mutual affection. One of the best. Angel Ishim to Cas about Dean “I'm gonna help you. I'm gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own… by cutting it out.”

12x12 – Stuck in the Middle with You: A dying Cas confesses his love. “I love you. I love all of you.”

12x19 – The Future: We find out Dean gave Cas a MIXTAPE!!! Very romantic and full of yearning, also worry and what could be seen as a betrayal (ish…).

12x23 – All Along the Watch Tower: Hands down, one of the most distressing Destiel episodes. Cas dies.

 Season 13

13x01 – Lost and Found: This is the worst because you have Dean trying to assimilate Cas’ death. Core of Dean’s widow’s arc. Jack introduction, that’s their new kid.

13x02 – The Rising Son: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?).

13x03 – Patience: Widow’s arc (you could skip it, but why would you?). Dean to Sam “He manipulated him, he made him promises, said, ‘paradise on earth’ and Cas bought it and you know what that got him? It got him dead! Now you might be able to forget about that, but I can’t!”

13x04 – The Big Empty: Continuation of widow’s arc and Cas wakes up in the Empty. The Empty to Cas: "I know who you love. There's nothing for you back there." // Dean to Sam “I need you to keep the faith, for both of us. ‘Cause right now, I… Right now, I don’t believe in a damn thing.”

13x05 – Advanced Thanatology: Suicidal and hopeless Dean gets his win. Cas comes back. Gives me the chills.

13x06 – Tombstone: COWBOY BOYFRIENDS!

13x14 – Good Intentions: Happy and fun Destiel scene. So Very Married.

13x23 – Let The Good Times Roll: Season finale, Dean talks about retiring (plans include Cas of course) and just very nice to see them interact.

Season 14

14x03 – The Scar: Reunion.

14x08 – Byzantium: Deanand Cas dealing with their child’s death, then bringing him back by Cas making a deal with the Empty. IMPORTANT EPISODE.

14x09 – The Spear: Cas uses the royal We – married behavior.

14x10 – Nihilism: Dean is stuck in his own mind, and Cas and Sam try to bring him back. Cas “Please, you have to -- you have to try to remember, because the people in your life -- in your real life, out there -- we need you to come back.”

14x12 – Prophet and Loss: Dean gets his very own Dr. Sexy, aka Dr. Cas.

14x14 – Ouroboros: Basically another date (their kid tags along) and They TALK. Very intimate and established marriage vibes.

14x18 – Absence: Shits starts to go south. [ Dean: “Who cares what Jack said? We don't know what happened! But I swear, if he did something to her, if she is -- (points to Castiel) Then you're dead to me. (Castiel looks crushed after Dean says that).]

14x20 – Moriah: Tense and very upsetting. Relationship very damaged.

 Season 15 (I would advise watching the entire season because it relies heavily on Destiel. They’re the heart and the emotional motor leading the plot onwards.)

15x01 – Back and To The Future: Deancas’ in the aftermath of their kid’s death. Tension gets worse.

15x02 – Raising Hell: Tension rises, this is very intense. Cas “Dean. You asked, "What about all of this is real?" We are.”

15x03 – The Rupture: Breaking point ends in divorce.

15x06 – Golden Time: Painful phone call which speaks volumes about the current state of their relationship at the time. Also, good to see where they’re standing and how they’re coping.

15x08 – Our Father Who Aren’t in Heaven: Strained relationship so obvious they’re offered couples’ therapy.

15x09 – The Trap: MASTERPIECE. Back to Purgatory. Can (and is) taken as Dean’s love confession (because it is). 

15x12 – Galaxy Brain: So married. Little domestic date, you can see LOVE written in their faces.

15x13 – Destiny’s Child: AU!Dean and Sam. Not a yearning episode per se, but AU!Dean? SO GAY.

15x17 – Unity: God reveals that the only act of free will in any universe he ever created has been Cas choosing Dean.

15x18 – Despair: Cas confesses his love to Dean.

[soukokuwu]

✢ genre; pairing. angst; dazai x reader ✢ warnings; word count. a lot of suicidal thoughts, mentions of suicide; 976 ✢ synopsis. you write a letter to your boyfriend ✢ author notes. this was mostly self-indulgent, i was thinking of writing for a few bsd boys, but first, have this one for dazai! i tried my best with it, i hope y’all like this!! let me know what you guys think <3

To my dear sunshine,

I love being yours.

You’ve never said this to me, but I want to say it to you: I love you.

I don’t know why you’re even with someone like me when you clearly can do so much better, but I thank god everyday that I am able to be your girlfriend.

I love the way you hold my hand. Never too tight, like you were afraid of my bones breaking. But not too loose that I can escape you. I love the way you put your arm round my shoulder and rest your head on top of mine. I can just feel your hair tickling my ear, sometimes replaced by your breaths because you know that’s my sensitive spot and you like to make me squirm.

I love the way you kissed me. For a flirt I always thought you’d be rough with me. You know, those kind of kisses that manage to knock the breath out of your lungs and gets you seeing stars in your eyes? Surprisingly, our first kiss was more than gentle. And more than patient. It was weird though, because I thought you kissed me out of… desperation? Disillusionment? I didn’t think it was possible for someone I looked up to as much as you to even carry feelings for someone like me. But you did.

I love the way you loved me. And you know what’s funny? I always used to need some kind of verbal validation that my (ex)boyfriends loved me. I always asked them: do you love me? But you? I never asked you.

At first I thought it was because I was scared that you’d say you weren’t sure or maybe I just didn’t want to risk pressuring you and driving you away. But I realised something, somewhere throughout our relationship. I never asked you, because I already knew.

Because although you never told me, you always showed me.

I know, Osa.

I know how you always set your alarm half an hour earlier than mine just to get up to make me coffee and bread. (You don’t even show up in time for your own work but you always make sure I get what I need before I go to work.)

Thank you.

I know how much you hate dogs, but you helped me take care of mine. I remember how you played with her, and I know how you remembered to buy her food when I was being a bad owner. God, you even helped me bury her. And you hate dogs.

But you love me, don’t you?

You don’t have to tell me. I know.

Thank you.

There’s so many more things you did for me, and believe me, Osa. I am so grateful for everything you did for me. And please don’t go blaming yourself, okay? If anything, you were the one thing I was grateful for in my life. 

So I’m sorry.

I’m sorry I can’t take this anymore. I honestly have been hovering over this for a while. It’s always been in the back of my mind. Because everyday I feel stuck. I tried my best, baby, please believe me. I tried my best to see the good in things, but I’m tired. Of getting hurt, of trying to feel better only to get shot down all the time.

I’m just so, so tired.

I look at my friends and I feel like I’m just an outsider looking in. I always feel like I don’t belong, even if I try. I look at my job and I feel so unhappy. No matter what I do it will always just be another thing that brings me down. I look at my parents and think they’ll do better without me. After all, I bet I’m the reason they’re unhappy in the first place anyway. I look at pictures of my grandparents and I just wish I was with them up there. I look at you and I just feel so guilty. I’m a hypocrite, aren’t I?

I just feel like no matter how hard I try, nothing will ever get better. And I’ve lost faith that it ever will. Maybe this is me being selfish, being whiny, being a horrible human being ‘til the end. But maybe now I don’t care anymore. Because living is hard. It’s so, so hard. And Osa I feel so, so scared.

You know what’s the worst part?

I know I’ll feel even more disappointed if I wake up.

...

Will you allow me to be greedy one last time, baby?

Please don’t give up on yourself. I know I’m not one to talk. But Osa, I meant everything I ever said to you. I meant it when I said I think you’re better than you give yourself credit for. I meant it when I said you’re one of the most amazing, charming people I’ve ever met. You left such a dark place to venture into the light, and I know you still don’t see yourself as a good person. But you are to me.

Give yourself some credit, okay?

Osa, you’re one of the reasons why I’m grateful to have lived at all. If not I wouldn’t have experienced what it was like to really be loved.

I’m just… I’m sorry for being this way. I guess maybe I ask for too much, and I’m sorry you got caught up in my mess —

oh, you just sent me a text —

See you tomorrow, belladonna~

Let me just tell you I smiled.

Please forgive me for lying to you this last time okay? Please let me sleep to the idea that I’ll wake up to you and that I’ll be happy when I do because nothing else in my life has to matter.

Goodnight, Osa.

‘Til we meet again.

Forever yours, Your belladonna

✢ tags. @yokelish @gogolparadise @fyowyn-writes @animatedarchives @smoochi-dazai​

[fandom-puff]

Arthur Shelby Fluff Alphabet

as requested by @beautifulfigment​ ! 

Arthur is my absolute fave, and I’ve had a few requests to do the smut alphabet for him too :)))

Warnings: some mention of arthur’s issues (PTSD, alcholism) mentions of suicide attempt

A = Attractive (What do they find attractive about the other?)

Arthur adores your laugh, the way your whole face lights up and your eyes twinkle. He especially loves it when you’re trying to hold back laughter, rocking silently with the giggles at the most inappropriate moments (normally when Tommy’s doing one of his lectures)

B = Baby (Do they want a family? Why/Why not?)

He wants children. Aside from Finn, he’s the last of his siblings to have kids, even though he’s the oldest. there’s always the worry in the back of his mind, however, that he would be a terrible father, just like his own. You tell him, firmly, that that is utter bullshit, and he’d make a brilliant dad. 

C = Cuddle (How do they cuddle?)

He is a GANGLY man, all long limbs. So long as he’s close to you, he doesn't really mind how you cuddle. His favourite way to cuddle is with his face buried in your chest and his arms wrapped around your waist.

D = Dates (What are dates with them like?)

He very rarely takes you to posh nightclubs or restaurants. They’re loud and busy, and he hates feeling like everyone is staring. Instead, he’ll take you on drives through the country, spread out a picnic blanket in a field and have a proper little picnic (thank God for Aunt Pol). 

E = Everything (You are my ____ (e.g. my life, my world…))

You are his little angel.

F = Feelings (When did they know they were in love?)

He knew he was head over heels in love with you when you kicked some bloke in the balls in the Garrison. He was behind the bar, pouring drinks, noticing the man bothering you. Until then, he had all of these feelings for you that he couldn’t put into words. But when the man tried to grab your waist, his anger flared and he was about to shout and jump over the counter when your foot made contact. You walked away as the man fell to the floor, brushing your hair out of your face, and ordered yourself a drink. Arthur simply stood staring, mouth slightly agape. Tommy grinned. “Oi, Arthur. Get the lady her drink and invite her to the pictures,” 

G = Gentle (Are they gentle? If so, how?)

He is so gentle. He knows how much damage he can cause with his bare hands, so he makes every touch as light at possible. You have to tell him off eventually, saying that you’re not made of porcelain and would very much like him to hold your waist in public, as well as other public displays of affection. He also speaks much quieter with you as opposed to his normally booming voice- it often seems as though you two are in your own personal bubble as you talk

H = Hands (How do they like to hold hands?)

Arthur ALWAYS grabs your hand when you walk by him, unashamed to hold it in front of everyone. You’re his girl and he loves you, so of course, he’s gonna hold your bloody hand (fuck off John, go see to your own woman). When he starts getting angry, you tend to slip your small hand into his, and it mellows him out fairly quickly. You both have a system of squeezing one another’s hands for encouragement, reassurance or a code for ‘shall we go home?’

I = Impression (What was their first impression?)

That you didn’t belong in Small Heath. It was too industrial, too dangerous, too dirty for you. You seemed to innocent for the drunks and the whorehouses and the dodgy bookies like him. 

J = Jealousy (Do they get jealous?)

Yes. If he’s sober, he’s more likely to close up and become distant as his brain goes into overdrive; what if you leave him? what if he’s simply not good enough for him? 

When he’s drunk, he’s more likely to speak up, though he doesn’t throw fists straight away, unless you’re clearly uncomfortable. More often than not, the situation defuses to him holding you proudly to his side saying (rather loudly) “That’s my girl! My YN!” 

K = Kiss (How do they kiss? Who initiated the first kiss?)

You initiated the first kiss. he was walking you home after your second date as an official couple, and it was clear he was apprehensive about something. He eventually admitted his true feelings, how he had loved you for a long time, yet he was nervous and didn’t want to wreck it. 

You cupped his cheeks in both your hands, forcing him to look at you. “You can’t wreck it, Arthur,” you had murmured. “Because I feel the same way about you,” the first kiss had been sweet, no tongue, and you stroked his cheek gently. 

In general, his kisses are tender, even the chastest ones filled with passion and longing. Often, he’ll be in a rush and press hurried kisses to your cheek or forehead while you’re in the middle of getting ready. 

L = Love (Who says ‘I love you’ first?)

Arthur. He’s hungover and you get him water and aspirin, before settling next to him. He grabs your waist and snuggles close, kissing you (but missing your mouth slightly) and mumbling “I bloody love you,” 

M = Memory (What’s their favourite memory together?)

When he asked you to marry him. It was by no means a perfect proposal, and it took him ages to pluck up the courage but seeing realisation and happiness spreading across your face as he got on one knee was worth every second of apprehension 

N = Nickel (Do they spoil? Do they buy the person they love everything?)

Arthur loves to spoil you... the only problem is he’s useless at picking stuff out, always worrying whether or not you’d like it. He often ends up getting Ada and Polly to help him pick something out, though he always makes sure he goes with them. 

“What about that frock? She likes them pretty patterns,” 

“Arthur, that’s a maternity gown,” 

O = Orange (What colour reminds them of their other half?)

sky blue. It was the colour of the dress you wore on one of your first proper dates. He was speechless when he saw you, unable to believe how lucky he is

P = Pet names (What pet names do they use?)

Love, darling, my angel

Q = Quaint (What is their favourite non-modern thing?)

He loves when you send him letters when he’s off for work- you never send telegrams, or use the typewriter for the notes. He keeps them in his breast pocket, and when he’s stressed, he holds the paper close to his heart, inhaling the wafts of your perfume to calm down

R = Rainy Day (What do they like to do on a rainy day?)

Stay in bed with you, slipping in and out of sleep, All spft caresses and gentle kisses, huddled up under the blankets

S = Sad (How do they cheer themselves/others up?)

Whiskey and snow used to be his go to. But with you, he has other ways.

T = Talking (What do they like to talk about?)

Anything and everything with you. He’ll ask questions, genuinely curious about all sorts, cooking, your family etc... one evening you ended up showing him how to crimp the pastry at the edge of your steak pie because he asked how you got it so pretty.

He talks about work, often glossing over the worst of it. Even with the glossing over, he feels much better, like he has someone who understands how the war and the business effect him, especially as his closest brother never seems to listen

U = Unencumbered (What helps them relax?)

Laying in your arms, holding your hand... generally just being close to you makes him feel calm

V = Vaunt (What do they like to show off? What are they proud of?)

You. You’re his girl, and he wants everyone to know it. If you tell someone to piss off, he’ll grin like mad, leaning to his brothers and saying ‘that’s my girl’.

He’s also proud of how far he’s come with you, how much more mellow he is as well

W = Wedding (When, how, where do they propose?)

He proposes a while after you start dating, once he is certain you’re the one. He proposes on your birthday (read this!!) and you have a quiet wedding, just close friends and family, in a quaint little church. Tommy let’s you use Arrow House for the reception, and Arthur stays sober the whole night

X = Xylophone (What’s their song?)

‘In the Bleak Midwinter’ is every Shelby’s song.

But his song with you is Moonlight Serenade by glen miller (I know the dates don’t quite match up). He remembers being the last two in the garrison, slow dancing with you, your head on his chest as he swayed with you

Y = Yes (Do they ever think of getting married/proposing?)

Once he is sure you’re the one, he knows he wants to marry you, and he wants to do it properly. Nothing arranged like John and esme, not because you’re pregnant like Tommy and Grace and Lizzie. He wants it to be because you love eachother deeply, wholly, truly.

Z = Zebra (If they wanted a pet, what would they get?)

Arthur wants a great big dozy dog who’ll just trot behind you and nearly knock him over when he comes through the door. He’d give it a human name too, like Dave. This makes you giggle like mad.

Tag list: @the-makingsofgreatness @peakyswritings @haphazardhufflepuff @diksy1112 @zodiyack @theunderlier @soleil-dor @hiddensapphic @fckingpeakyblinders @snugleo @alittlebirds @satanxklaus @glamsaturn @thegirlwithoutaname87 @queenofmankind

[dying-suffering-french-stalkers]

wendy’s great big pirates of the caribbean fic rec list

Hello, friends!  I’ve been meaning to make a Pirates fic rec list for years and the day has finally come.  This list is obviously in no way exhaustive and is very much indicative of my personal biases (*cough* lots of Norrington *cough*), but I can heartily recommend every fic that made this list and I hope you all enjoy it.  Making this was a labor of love and I would be thrilled to hear your thoughts on any you choose to read (though you should leave a kind comment for the author first)!

Other notes: I collected the bulk of these years ago, so there are a lot on FFnet and I have tried my best to screen them for various content warnings.  I believe only two fics on this list are explicit and are marked as such.  There is precious little slash on this list since that’s just not what I tended to read at the height of my Pirates phase; my apologies.

Under a cut to spare your dashes from this monster of a post.

“Mutiny on the Dauntless” by Marnie - Governor Swann and Lieutenant Norrington narrowly skirt disaster at the hands of a ruthless captain and dangerous crew on the crossing from England. [19k words. No ships. Warnings: seasickness, battle violence, minor character death, semi-graphic naval discipline.]

THE HONORAT COLLECTION in (hopefully) chronological order.  This author is my uncontested favorite Pirates of the Caribbean fic writer and I’m forever grateful to them.  Here’s to you, @honorat!

“Here’s Luck To You” - A collection of drabbles about Jack and Bootstrap Bill’s friendship, written in late 2005. [6k. Mind any posted warnings.]

“Homecoming” - Author’s summary: The young Captain Norrington has a rare moment alone with his beloved ship.  [1k.  No ships but the sailing kind.  No warnings.]

“Daring Rescue, Daring Escape” - A narration of Elizabeth's rescue following her tumble off the battlement and of Jack's attempted escape afterward.  [7k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth.  No warnings.]

“Worthy of His Steel” - Picks up where DR,DE left off, then flashes back to Will’s apprenticeship with Mr. Brown.  [44k.  Light Willabeth.  Mind any warnings: I remember minor character death, alcoholism, and general angst.]

“A Bargain At Any Price” - Elizabeth reflects on James’ interrupted marriage proposal.  [968 words.  Unrequited Norribeth.  No warnings.]

“Marooned” - A movie novelization of the time Jack and Elizabeth spent on Rumrunner’s Isle.  (If you haven’t seen the deleted scenes from CotBP, they’re now required viewing: Part 1, Part 2.)  [28k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth.  Warnings: alcohol; discussion of past injuries including burns, a brand, and a gunshot; discussion of death, murder, and suicide (latter related only to marooning and not seriously entertained or acted upon); mind any others.]

“Aboard the Dauntless” - Takes place directly after Marooned.  More movie/deleted scene novelization.  [20k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth and/or (unrequited) Norribeth.  Mind any warnings.]

“No Mercy” - Set aboard the Dauntless just after the battle at Isla de Muerta.  Have you ever been unreasonably hecked up by the sailor who rang the bell when he spotted zombie pirates?  I have because I’m Like That but now you can be too!  [1k.  No ships.  Warnings: blood, minor character death, funeral, survivor’s guilt, mention of execution by hanging.]

“For Remembrance” - Elizabeth visits Jack in prison the day before his pending execution.  [2k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth.  Warnings: brief mention of unsanitary prison conditions; death tokens; discussion of death, murder, and execution by hanging.]

“Balance of Justice” - The same night, Norrington struggles with the idea of Jack’s pending execution.  [990 words.  No ships.  Warnings: mentioned minor character death, survivor’s guilt, discussion of execution by hanging.]

“Crossing the Bar” - My all-time favorite PotC fanfic.  After the events of CotBP, Norrington thinks he has Jack cornered, but the pirate has other ideas.  A story of truly literary proportions ensues. [156k.  Canon divergent: written pre-DMC.  Light Jack/Anamaria.  Warnings: battle injuries, period-accurate first aid, minor character death. Other warnings posted in fic.]

“Just Between Us Dying Gods” -  Jack’s POV, takes place on the island of the Pelegostos just prior to Will's arrival.  [1k.  No ships.  Warnings: cannibalism, canon-typical ethnocentrism.]

“Bits of Shine” - A collection of drabbles (in the classic 100-word sense) spanning Pirates 1-3.  [14k.  Assorted canon ships.  Mind any posted warnings.]

“Christmas Reunion” - Author’s description: A Christmas reunion of several beloved characters set post-AWE. Jack's POV. Entirely fluffy.  [2k.  Willabeth.  No warnings.]

SCRUFFINGTON ANGST - Me, aged 15: but sir that’s my emotional support Good-ish Man Brought Low By Hubris (who am I kidding, that hasn’t changed a bit).  As you would expect, general warnings for this section might include minor character death, survivor’s guilt, self-hatred, alcohol abuse, unsanitary conditions, etc.  If you love Tortuga-related angst, this section is for you!  If you don’t go for whump and other unpleasant things, scroll on.

“Seven Deadly Sins: James Norrington” by Edoraslass - Classic drabble format, exactly what it says on the bottle.  Follows James’ DMC arc beginning in Tortuga.  [711 words.  No ships.  See tags on AO3.]

“Three Days” by geekmama - Several scene narrations following James from the pig sty to Isla Cruces.  Smelly bastard man.  [1k.  Several unrequited ships.  Warnings: unsanitary, alcohol abuse.]

“Interregnum: Icarus” by ConcertiGrossi - Follows James all the way from the hurricane to Tortuga, with an epilogue just after delivering the Heart to Beckett.  I dislike headcanons about Norrington ever employing sex workers - it seems very out-of-character to me - but other than that I stand by this fic.  Angst alert.   [16k.  Canon-divergent only if you read Sins of the Father.  Referenced unrequited Norribeth.  Warnings: near-drowning, vomit, mass minor character death, implied (but ultimately untrue) medium character death, funerals, survivor’s guilt, self-hatred, unsanitary, coughing, nightmares, pregnancy mention, parental death, under-eating, alcohol abuse, referenced suicide, suicidal ideation.]

“Birthday Wishes” by YouCantGetThereFromHere - A one-shot AU in which James has a twin brother and they celebrate their thirtieth birthdays, one in England, the other in Tortuga.  [4k.  Referenced OCxOC ship in the first half.  Warnings: alcohol abuse, self-hatred.]

“Eye of the Storm” by Edoraslass - Tortuga barmaid Kate is intrigued by the island’s newest barfly and strikes up a sort of friendship with Norrington until he moves on.  [4k.  No ships.  See tags on AO3.]

“Oil and Wine” by Argyle - Norrington’s descent during his time on Tortuga.  Everything comes with a price and a familiar face dogs his steps.  [500 words.  Norribeth.  See tags on AO3.]

“Absence and Memory” by Meddow - Post-CotBP, Elizabeth reflects on her relationship with Norrington over the years.  [3.7k.  Norribeth.  No warnings.]

“Penance More Will Do” by Meddow - Set directly after the hurricane.  While a wounded James is adrift at sea, he is visited by Hector Barbossa, who gives him a choice on behalf of Calypso.  [5.7k.  No ships.  Warnings: blood, vomit.]

“A Song for the Wretched and the Wrecked” by jadeddiva - Post-CotBP AU in which Will runs off to sea and Elizabeth consents to marry James after all.  They have a lot of growing to do, but it ends well.  [6.5k.  Norribeth.  No warnings.]

“Jack Sparrow’s Black Pearl” by Zath_Chauvert - A filk song in which Elizabeth and Will discuss Jack to the tune of “Tango: Maureen”.  [468 words.  Willabeth, J/W/E if you’re not a coward.  No warnings.]

“Of How a Lieutenant died at Sea” by YouCantGetThereFromHere - Foregoing the ending he's given in OST, Lt. Theodore Groves instead dies in the wreckage of the Endeavour in AWE and briefly greets Will in the afterlife.  [703 words.  No ships.  Warnings: implied major character death.]

THE ERINYA COLLECTION (I forgot that I saved a ton from this author as well!  Not arranged in any particular order.)

“Curiosity” - Elizabeth reflects on her growing feelings for Jack during DMC.  [828 words.  Sparrabeth.  Warnings: alcohol.]

“Sacrifice” - More Sparrabeth UST, Elizabeth’s POV.  [527 words.  Sparrabeth.  No warnings.]

“One Shot” - A collection of PotC drabbles, all written pre-AWE.  [6k.  Various pairings.  Warnings posted in fic.]

“The Game” - Jack and Tia Dalma play cards.  [600 words.  Can be read as Jack/Tia Dalma.  No warnings.]

“Frayed” - Will and Elizabeth, post-DMC, semi-compliant with AWE, but angstier.  I’m afraid this one isn’t very kind to Will but it sets up this author’s character dynamics/reasons for Sparrabeth.  [1k.  Willabeth, implied Sparrabeth.  Warnings: very poor communication.]

“Something Rich and Strange” - A Will/Tia Dalma one-shot, of all things.  A touch of destiny, indeed.  Written pre-AWE based on fan speculation.  [2k.  Canon-divergent.  Will/Tia Dalma, background Sparrabeth.  PG-13.]

“Ocean Heart” - Post-AWE, Elizabeth is visited by Calypso on that lonely beach.  [1k.  Implied Willabeth.  No warnings.]

“The Pirate’s Progress” - Post-DMC, Jack takes a jaunt through the afterlife, featuring all sorts of fun mythology/folklore.  [10k.  I’m gonna be real with y’all, I don’t remember if there’s anything shippy or triggery but I don’t think so?  Implied major character death I guess but he got better]

“Worlds Enough, And Time” - Futuristic AU in which Jack and Elizabeth both partook of the Fountain of Youth.  Our beloved pirates...IN SPAAAAACE.  Angst with a happier ending.  [3k.  Sparrabeth, implied Willabeth.  Canon-divergent in multiple ways.  Warnings: alcohol, discussions of death, suicidal ideation, referenced minor character death.]

“Janus and the Prodigal” - A conversation between Jack and Teague, a few years post-AWE.  [1k.  Can be read as Sparrabeth.  No warnings.]

“At Peace” by Rising Waters - Author’s summary: Elizabeth has been faithful for the allotted ten years, so Will is free of the Dutchman—but he is still plagued by thoughts of a man whose death he feels responsible for: James Norrington.  [1k.  Willabeth, unrequited Norribeth.  Warnings: referenced character death.]

“Second Chances” by geekmama - AU in which James was only wounded by Bootstrap, not killed, and Will drops him off at Shipwreck Cove to be with Jack and Elizabeth for the next ten years.  Fluff all around.  [1k.  Willabeth, can be read as Sparrington if you’re not a coward.  No warnings.]

“For Honour A Heart’s Demise” by Meddow - Another AU in which James is only wounded aboard the Flying Dutchman, only this time he gets to partake in the rest of AWE and becomes captain of the Dutchman instead of Will.  A goddess is defied and everything makes sense.  [10k.  Willabeth, unrequited Norribeth.  Warnings: brief suicidal ideation, survivor’s guilt, grievous bodily harm, major character death (but he gets better).]

“Between Wind and Water” by rexluscus - Author’s description: “England and Spain are at war, and Norrington needs a quick solution to the Jack Sparrow problem. Meanwhile, Jack discovers that the Caribbean he once knew is gone. The deal they make could solve both their troubles, or it might be the worst mistake of their lives.  This story is AU after the first film (sequels never happened). It's an experiment in dropping POTC characters into an actual historical event: the Battle of Cartagena de Indias in 1741.”  [90.3k.  Sparrington.  See tags on AO3.]

“betwixt the devil and the deep sea” by notbecauseofvictories - A character study of Jack Sparrow in an AU with angels and demons.  [2k.  No ships.  See tags on AO3.]

“coda” by notbecauseofvictories - Elizabeth during her time as the Pirate King.  [1k.  Willabeth, Sparrabeth.  See tags on AO3.]

FICS I HAVE NOT YET FINISHED but would nevertheless like to recommend:

The “Rash Actions” series by @blanketed-in-stars​ - I’ve been meaning to finish this for 7000 years but I thoroughly enjoyed the early chapters!  Nicole is a wonderful writer and is doing the Lord’s work in writing quality Turrington content.  [147k.  James/Will.  See tags on AO3.]

“In Service to the King” by sleepylotus/@apirateslifeforme123​ - An AU in which Elizabeth finds James in Tortuga after she becomes the Pirate King.  I loved the first few chapters!  [31.7k.  Norribeth, Sparrabeth.  Explicit.  WIP.  See tags on AO3.]

OTHER LINKS SINCE I HAVE YOU HERE

Curse of the Black Pearl early screenplay (first draft)

Dead Man’s Chest screenplay (final production draft)

At World’s End early screenplay (leaked draft)

Deleted scenes: (CotBP above in Marooned) DMC, AWE

[a-lonely-tatertot]

Masterlist & About Me

Hello people who decided to check out this hectic blog 

I have a sideblog: @utheria-antics (for my ocs)

My kotlc insta, wattpad, and ao3 all have the same url (insta just doesn’t have the dashes)

Also I have a twitch!!

all of my fics have cursing and so do most of my posts fyi

DRAWING REQUESTS OPEN

About me :D

Call me Tater I am mostly a kotlc fan but sometimes reblog stuff from other fandoms

I ramble, a LOT please give me validation

I love talking about my ocs, if your interested in them check out my sideblog and I will always answer asks about them either there or on here

Come talk to me bitches Im lonely (we dont have to be moots)

If we mutuals you can ask for my discord, snap, or email for hangouts

I also love talking about my fics and art if you ever want me to go more into depth or explain any of those

I try to stay out of discourse

Give me music recs, fic recs, show (animated or live action) recs, or graphic novel recs pl e a se

If you’ve got questions about anything please ask 

ocs are tagged with tater’s ocs or Utheria

my writing is tater writes

art is i drew a thing

Masterlist under the cut!

Fics if you’re too lazy to look em up:

The Fire in Your Eyes and The Screams in Your Throat (marellinh, 1.4k, first person, panic attack/loses control of powers): ao3

“Did I Ever Tell You How Beautiful Your Eyes Are?” (Detz, 2.3k, third person, underage drinking): ao3

Girl in Red But Make it Sophiana (sophiana, 1.1k, third person, drinking, cigarettes why do i have so many questionable things in these): ao3

let me fall you cant save me now (keefex, 2.4k, third person, attempted suicide, happy ending i swear-): ao3

Your Soul On Walls (titz, 4.2k, third person, mentions of transphobia, incomplete ill finish it at some point): ao3

Cuddles (Kam, 500, third person, THE ONLY NON-QUESTIONABLE FIC): tumblr

Kiss me like it’s not allowed (keefitz, 3.1k, underage drinking, homophobia): tumblr ao3

numbers and i dont knows (titz, 1807, two swear words and one mention of alcohol): tumblr

The Nightmares Haven’t Left (titz, 1589, panic attacks, anxiety, mentions of burns, scars, injuries, and blood): tumblr

Finding Home (multiship, currently 27k, tw: talk of nightmares,mention of injuries and some phantom pains): wattpad, ao3, tumblr: 1, 2, 3 (photo update), 4, 5, 6, 7, 8

Just Keep Holding Me, Cause This Entire Time You’ve Been My Life Line (Kam, 1715, tw: none): tumblr, ao3

Most of them on wattpad

Some headcanons cause i got those too

Artist!Keefe

Fitz’s Bakery 

Keefe + Touch

Character asks (1, katara, dex)

Titz hc (hair, confession)

Sophie (1, 2)

Fitz & Sophie Sleep

Corrupting the Vackers

Drawings cause why not

Marellinh (Marellinh Dancing)

Biana kelpie tattoo Stina kraken tattoo Wylie wyvern tattoo

Old Habits Die Hard (atla)

Tam braided hair

Biana  (Biana in a suit)

Tattoos (1,2,3)

Linh Drowning

Hello My Old Heart

Short Hair Linh

Fitz’s Bakery 

“Guess who just go injured”

Titz Cuddles

Keefex Request

Spiderverse au

Horned Sophie

Sophiana Angst for Secret Santa

Bronte Request

Kotlc Doodles

Insta Atla Request (1, 2, 3)

Hekster Sketches

Biana Animation

Sophiana Painting

Punk Keefitz

The Dame of Death

None Fandom Stuff

OC ART

Magic System: 1, 2

Confused Harper

OC doodles

Headshots

The Five

MISC. ART

Anon OC request

The Illusion of Music

Sydney the Ozzydoodle

WRITING 

My Infinity

Her

My Word

A Feeble Apology

Pictures

Love

Falling

This Coin

Holes

This Empty House

[soheila-1996]

My story- Part Thirteen

I have epilepsy. This details my seizures, I can’t speak for everyone, everyone’s seizures/ experiences are different. This is graphic. Seizures are messy. They aren’t fun and it felt wrong to make it out to be cute when they really aren’t.   Pretty much all the things that happen in the plot have happened to me. Well, I’m not married to a king or live in a palace so…there’s that but everything else is accurate.  There may be some jokes about it here because I do joke about it sometimes. It makes me more comfortable and I find it helps relax everyone around me. I’m also writing about it because there really aren’t that many fics written about it and I think it’s important to shine light on it.

Any feedback is really appreciated! :)

Tags: @kacie-0156 @texaskitten30, @cordonianroyalty, @kingliam2019 , @cordonia-gothqueen,   @bobasheebaby @losingbraincellseveryday  @marshmallowsaremyfavorite @jared2612 @flutistbyday2020 @debramcg1106 @anotherbeingsworld @leaharhys @cordoniaqueensworld @bascmve01

Paring: Liam and Riley

Warnings: SUICIDE ATTEMPT, mention of miscarriage. 

Word count: 5,316 

Catch up here

This one again is super personal to me. They all are personal in one way or another but this one and the one about my miscarriage are extremely personal.

I really debated writing this in but writing is such an amazing outlet. I was in such a dark place when I lost the baby last year and I didn’t see a way out so I did things that I’m not proud of. I tried to take my own life and now i’m so beyond happy that my attempt was unsuccessful, however, everything has just gone really wrong over the last few weeks and I’ve just started feeling really down again. Writing about my feelings is kind of helping me get out of this funk.  

(Riley’s POV)

It’s now the next morning since I arrived back from the hospital. Liam, my parents and my brother had tried to get me to come out of my room but I was being a rebellious teenager and refused to open the door. I think Liam has slept in the spare room.  We live in a literal palace so there’s plenty of space for him to stay.  I don’t think any of them can understand how I’m feeling. I know that everyone has days when they feel down and a little depressed but I feel like this all the time. I’m numb. I go through my day like a robot. Physically I’m here but mentally I’m a million miles away. I just don’t feel anything anymore. 

Everyday just blends in together until it makes no sense anymore. I feel like I’m going crazy. My memory has just gone; I don't even remember what I had for breakfast...If I had breakfast at all that is. I hate this so much. 

I’ve taken my medication for the first time in a while earlier this morning after  a heated debate with my parents. I struggle to see how any of them think that taking a few pills is going to do anything. It should stop the seizures but it’s not going to change how I feel. 

I feel suffocated. I don’t need to be treated like I’m a baby. I’m just...I’m tired. Physically, mentally, emotionally, I’m just so exhausted all the time. I am sick of faking being happy; it doesn't work. 

Losing the baby was just my breaking point and I’m not sure there’s any coming back from it. I don’t want to come back from it. Why would I want to carry on knowing that the rest of my life will be spent in fear of a seizure, that I might not be able to give my husband the one thing he wants more than anything, or with the possibility that I’ll get out of this hole and in a short while end up back here again? 

I just want it to stop. 

“Why do you keep looking at me?” I ask, bitterly. I’m sitting on the couch in silence with the rest of my family. I can feel Josh’s eyes on me. I turn to look at him as he averts his gaze.  “If you’ve got something to say, just say it.”

“Just talk to us, Ri,” my brother encouraged. 

“About? I told you last night all you need to know. I’ve fucked everything up,” I say, raising my voice as I stand up. 

“No, you haven't,” Josh insists. 

I shake my head and let out a frustrated groan. When are they going to understand that telling me that everything is fine, that I didn’t fuck up isn't helping? It goes in one ear and out the other. I look back to Josh. “Why are you here, Josh? Who invited you?”  

This isn't me. I’m not mean. I’m not like this. I love my brother, growing up he was my best friend but I just don’t care anymore. 

“I don’t need my big brother to come and save the day. I’m an adult!” I yell. I’m so easily agitated. Maybe that’s down to the lack of sleep...I don’t know. “And you!” I yell as I turn my full attention to my husband. “You only care because it makes you look like a good person, doesn't it? Lovely, kind Liam married the girl with a disability!” 

He looks stunned...maybe a little hurt even. Liam opens his mouth to speak but obviously decides against it.  “H-how can you say that?” 

“Because it’s true,” I shrug. Nobody says anything to object and in my head they’re just confirming it. It wouldn’t be the first time somebody has used me and my disorder to make themselves look like a better person. 

Liam gets to his feet and attempts to step towards me. I hold up a hand to stop him. “Just leave me alone,” I command. 

I move past him, grab my phone off the coffee table then I leave the apartment. I need to just be away from everyone. 

I need some space. 

**

Jacob and I have been getting particularly closer over the last few weeks. He had visited me a couple times while in the hospital and had been coming over after school. I’m still not back but my parents have agreed to let Jacob, Luna and a couple of my other friends come over. 

Don’t get me wrong, I love my siblings and parents but I’m starting to get a little sick of being stuck with them all day. The house has currently been chaotic- Josh is moving out, he’s been saying this for a couple years though, to be fair he had actually moved out with  his girlfriend but they had broken up. It was rather tragic actually. He really loved it. Casey is also about to move out and to Boston apparently.  

Jacob and I  are snuggled up on the couch, blanket draped over our legs, despite the fact it’s the middle of the summer in NYC. Although I’ve got the AC on high enough that at least we’re not dripping with sweat as we cuddle. 

Sitting inside is not the ideal thing to do on such a beautiful day however, sometimes, much like now the heat has been known to cause more seizures. I don’t mind sitting inside though; I’m not really a fan of the sun, I burn really easily. That might possible be now to me being a ginger- the sun hates me. 

Jacob is just amazing. Since he found out about my epilepsy he has been amazing. He makes sure that I’m on my side and helps me wake up when the seizure ends. Obviously, epilepsy is a big thing to deal with when you actually have it but it’s also a big thing for the people are you too but Jacob doesn’t seem bothered by it or is overly worried. It’s nice and refreshing to have somebody who isn’t constantly worried, however, we haven't really discussed it so he doesn’t know much about it. 

We spend a little while longer watching celebrity masterchef- Jacob is from the UK and had introduced me to the show a little while ago as we talk about what it's like back in England. It’s nice learning about where he’s from. He’s lived in the  States for a few years now but still has a very, very British accent. 

“What triggers them?” Jacob asks, breaking the comfortable silence between us both. I look up to him with a raised eyebrow. “Your seizures. What triggers them?” 

I clear my throat, thinking about what I'm going to say before I speak normally makes me stutter a little less. “Q-quite a few t-things. N-not taking m-my medication, sleep d-d-deprivation, s-stress,  if I get t-too overwhelmed can t-trigger them, if I d-don't eat can  s-sometimes cause them or  if I get t-too hot.” I explain, internally cringing at how much I just stuttered.  Speech therapy it helping, it’s not as bad as it used to be but it’s nowhere near back to how it was before. He nods. “W-When I-I was younger hot showers sometimes triggered them or caused an aura,” I add, “I-it doesn't really happen anymore. I-i-It’s a m-minefield s-s-sometimes.” 

“Aura?” he asked. 

“Yeah,” I nod, “N-not like a-a s-s-spiritual one. It's what t-t-the feeling you get before a s-s-seizure is c-called.” 

“And you get that every time you’re about to have a seizure?” 

“M-m-most of the time. Occasionally they just k-kinda happen but n-n-normally before a grand mal s-seizure I will. W-when I have absences they just happen b-but they’re m-much e-easier t-to recover from. They happen a-and then i-I’m fine s-straight away,” I explain. 

“Absence?” he asks. It dawns on me that he really doesn't know much about my seizures or seizures in general other than the basic first aid while it’s actually happening. 

I turn around to face him and bring my legs under me. I take some time to think about my sentence before I speak. “Yeah, there’s different types of s-s-seizures,” I tell him, “Grand  m-mal s-seizures are the m-most r-recognisable s-seizure; it’s the m-most c-c-common one people think about but then there’s a few others. I have absence seizures which is when I kinda just s-stare off into space for a couple s-seconds. I’ve also had a couple m-m-myoclonic seizures too.” 

“What’s that?” 

“It n-normally happens in n-both arms but not always, your m-mouth can twitch and your jaw can jerk. It can happen to the head and neck too but the person is fully aware of what’s happening. They’re really scary- all types of seizures are.” 

We talked for a little while longer about my epilepsy and eventually changed the subject to something a little happier. I was engrossed in our conversation when my stomach rolled. 

Not now. 

I took in a deep breath as I tried to get rid of the nausea. It doesn’t go away and my arm starts to tingle. “J-Jake, i-it might happen again,” I told him, panicked- this never gets easier. 

He peeled his gaze off the tv and turned to me. “Ri, you had one this morning. Are you sure this is okay?” He asks me with concern. 

It’s true I had one this morning but unfortunately my brain doesn’t really care about if I've already had one today. I’ve learned that it’s going to do whatever it wants and that I have no say in it. 

Jacob helps me off the couch and onto the floor. This one is coming on really, really quickly. I don’t remember anything anymore; nothing makes sense. Basically, as soon as I’m laying down on the floor I’m consumed by blackness. 

**

I’m now outside after storming off. Taking a walk through the palace grounds often helps me to clear my head. I’m head to the garden maze- that’s my favourite place. The place I can go to and just clear my head and attempt to make sense of everything. 

 Everything is a mess. Why can’t I just open up to people? Why can’t I be honest with people about how I’m feeling?  There’s thick dark grey clouds looming over me. It’s going to rain. Great. Even the weather seems to be in sync to how I’m feeling. 

I want to be able to open up. I want to stop feeling like this but do I deserve to feel better? I don’t think I do. 

Ben constantly made me feel like shit and so did all his friends. My teenage years especially were made up of people telling me that I’m worthless or should’ve died and now it’s made up of having everything that I want so incredibly badly taken away from me. 

Is there any point to any of this anymore? I can’t seem to find one. 

Josh, my mom and dad, Liam, my friends all ask me if i’m okay and I say i’m fine. It’s a habit. I tell them that I’m okay while I’m screaming on the inside that I’m not; praying that they’ll continue to push me enough so I finally break and tell them...but they don’t. They think giving me space and time is helping me but while I’m alone I just dig myself a deeper hole; one that I’m never going to be able to escape from.   

Every time they leave me alone it's like they’re putting me back into a cell, all by myself, alone with these crippling thoughts. My mind is a prison and I’m never getting out.

I continue to walk for a little while longer. It’s cold and I can feel the rain lightly starting to fall but I don’t want to go back. Not yet. 

I can feel the salty tears streaming down my cheeks but I don’t wipe them away. What’s the point? They’ll just soon be replaced with more. 

My family, my friends, my husband...they hate me don’t they? I snapped at Josh, at Liam...I- I suddenly come to a halt when my stomach rolls and I feel that all too familiar feeling again. 

My arm is beginning to tingle, everything is growing more and more confusing. The one thing I know is that I want my husband. I want Liam. 

Why was I so mean to him? He was only trying to help. 

He’s going to be even more angry at me after this. I can’t tell him; he’ll be mad. I think for a second. There’s one other person that won’t be mad at me... 

Casey- my doctor sister. 

I retrieved my phone from my back pocket, nearly dropping it onto the floor in the process. I clumsily find her contact and type out a barely coherent text. 

Me: Im goins to hsve a seizure  

Even auto-correct can’t help me. The device in my hand makes a sound just seconds later as a reply comes in. 

Casey: Like right now?

My vision is starting to blur and I know longer know how to respond to my sister. Nothing makes sense. 

The device starts to vibrate and sound comes from it too. I fumble with it and manage to answer.

“Hello?” I asked, my voice slurred. I try to hold the device to my ear but coordination is not something I possess right now so it rests on my cheek. I’m sure this isn’t right.

“Ri?” My sister’s concerned voice sounded through the device, “Where are you?” 

“I..” 

“Where’s Liam, Ri? What’s going on?” She sounds serious. 

“He doesn’t w-want t-to,” I stutter. I can feel the tears starting to prick at my eyes.

“He’s mad,” I slur. 

“Where are you?”

“O-outside,” I stutter. 

“Can you lay down on your side for me?” She directs me gently. I comply and lower myself down onto the wet grass and lay on my side. I can feel something hitting me...like rain. 

“He’s mad,” I whisper. That’s all I know; Liam’s mad at me and won’t want to help me. 

“He still wants to help you,” She told me but I don’t believe her. “Riley, I need you to stay on your side for me, okay? I’m going to call Liam.” I think she’s hung up I can’t hear her anymore. 

I close my eyes; feeling my body be covered in goosebumps  as the freezing cold rain hammers down. “H-He’s m-m-mad at m-me.” That’s the last thought I have, the last thing I can say before the world goes black.

(Drake's POV)

I’m out on my morning run on the way back to the palace now. Rain has started to pour and the crisp air has started to sting at my exposed arms, legs and face. 

I’m jogging along the path on the way back to the palace when I notice somebody laying on the grass. I slow down a little and change direction to head over. 

As I get closer  I realise that it’s Riley so pick up my jog. I finally reach her and kneel down beside her. I lean over her slightly to look at her face, her eyes are closed and a little blood is pooling out of her mouth.  Without thinking, I wipe it away and onto my black shorts. I then brush hair away from her face. My hand brushes against her skin- she’s freezing. Based on the fact that the blood is still wet I concluded that the seizure must’ve stopped really recently so I lift her up into my arms and head back inside. 

As I enter the palace, I see Liam walking down the grand staircase. I see tell by the expression he’s got on his face that’s her scared and panicked. He visibly relaxes when he see’s us. Liam hurries down the rest of the steps and over to us. 

“Is she okay?” Liam asked, his voice wavers ever so slightly. 

I don’t really know the answer to that question though. I mean, I’m only guessing she had a seizure based on how I found her. I shrug, “I-I just found her outside and- “ 

“Her sister just called me,” Liam told me, “Casey said that Riley thought she’s going to have a seizure.” Liam held out his arms to me and I gently place Riley in his arms. “She’s freezing.” 

We head away from any prying eyes of any of the staff into a nearby drawing room. Liam gently places her down on the floor on her side and takes a blanket off the couch and lays it over her. He then kneels down beside her and slips her jacket, tossing it carelessly to the side. He then slips off her soaking wet shoes and socks, discarding of them in the same way. 

“Where was she?” Liam asked as I perched on couch. 

“Near the entrance to the maze.” Liam nods and I can sense there’s something going on. Is that any of my business though? Probably not but I can see that whatever is happening, what ever happened is starting to take a toll on him. 

He looks like he hasn’t slept. I can see that he’s been crying but his red-rimmed eyes. I’ve never seen him look so..broken before. 

“What’s going on, Li?” 

I’ve never seen him life this and this has me feeling a little panicky. Liam clear wants to cry, his eyes are welling up to the brim but he’s holding it in. He doesn’t take his gaze off of her as he continues running his fingers through her damp hair. 

“She called Casey because,” Liam pauses, his voice cracking, “Because she was afraid to tell me, that I would be mad,” He told me, avoiding my question.

“You know she’s not herself when she’s like this.” I try to reason, “She was just confused, Li.” 

Liam doesn’t say anything and I can take the hint that he doesn’t want to talk about it. Riley’s actions have hurt him- that much is obvious. 

 It’s a couple minutes later when Riley’s eyes start to flutter. I get to my feet and clear my throat to get my friends attention. 

“I’ll leave you guys to it.” Liam gives me an appreciative nod as I take my leave. 

(Riley’s POV) 

The first thing I notice is the feeling of cold, wet clothes clinging to my body. Goosebumps spread across my skin. I open my eyes fully and notice a hand laying in front of me.

... Where am I? 

I soon realise that the hand is mine as i lift a finger. It’s almost like I’m underwater, my hearing is muffled but I can just about hear something....maybe someone....shifting on the floor next to me? 

..What’s happening? 

I can feel myself beginning to panic. My heart is pounding. Everything seems loud. Why? It’s almost like it’s reverberating as a wall of sound hits my ears. It takes me some time to realise that the only sound other than my breathing and heart beat is a voice? It’s saying words that I don’t understand in my confusion. They’re speaking a language that makes no sense to me right now.

I soon realise that the hand is mine as i lift a finger. It’s almost like I’m underwater, my hearing is muffled but I can just about hear something....maybe someone....shifting on the floor next to me? 

I make my best effort to move away but I barely shift an inch. I’m really trying to escape but I can’t. Why can’t I move? A helpless, scared cry escapes my mouth. I feel terrified as I see the figure move in front of me. 

As they shift into my line of vision, their features become clear and the words they’re speaking, the strange language becomes less jumbled and more coherent. 

“Love, love come on it’s alright. It’s over now, love. I’m here.”  I realise that I know how that voice belongs to. That face. 

There’s something about it that feels familiar, safe even. I look up at him, a strand on dirty blonde hair falls over his face that he soon pushes away. “Hey, Riley,” he says, gently. I can see his mouth moving but I’m still not sure who the man is. “It’s Liam.” 

Liam- that name….I know that name I realise. 

Liam. 

I exhale and relax into the hard floor beneath me. He seems to notice my more relax body language and shifts closer to me. 

“You had a seizure,” he explains to me. I wrinkle my eyebrows in confusion, the last thing I remember was walking outside. h-how did I end up in here? “Drake brought you inside. It was raining and you were freezing.”

I nod and with his help, I manage to sit myself up. I wipe my mouth, it comes away with a red substance on the back. I’m still a little out of it and I don’t realise that it’s blood. 

Everything begins to come back to me- I snapped at Liam. He’s angry at me, he’s upset with me. I accused him of something I know that he’d never do. I look up at him but I can’t read him. He’s angry. 

 He’s so mad. 

My eyes begin to well up. It’s made such a mess out of everything, he’s mad at me, he doesn't love me anymore, he doesn’t want to be with me anymore. I shift away from him and he looks almost surprised. Is that worry flashing across his face? 

No, no, it can’t be. He’s mad. 

“You’re okay, Love,” He tells me.  He tries to reach out to me to pull me back over but I continue to shift away, I nearly topple over- I still don’t have full control over everything just yet “You’re okay, Riley,” he tries again, “Everything’s okay.” 

It’s not. Nothing is okay. Nothing is ever going to be okay. I’ve made such a colossal mess of everything.  

I shake my head at him as tear slips down my cheek. Liam instinctively reaches out to try and brush it away but I move away from him. 

I look away from him to take in my surroundings. I looked down realising I’m now missing my jacket, shoes and socks and a blanket is down draped over me. I think back to what Liam had said as some of the puzzle pieces slot back into place. It was raining...I remember that. At least now I under why my clothes are soaking wet. 

“Ri,” Liam calls, moving closer to me. I scoot away from him once again. His face falls and I’m pretty sure I can now see his eyes starting to well up. “Please.” He sounds defeated. He sounds scared and upset and that’s all my fault. 

I look up at him to see some tears trickle down his face. I want to cry to but why should I be allowed to feel upset? I caused this. This is my doing. I’ve wrecked everything single-handedly. 

This is the first time that I’ve really looked at me. There’s big bags under both his eyes, his hair is unkempt, he even looks as if he’s lost a little weight, there’s stubble on his usually clean shaven face. 

I’ve broken him. I’ve broken the man that I’m supposed to love and protect. 

** It’s a couple hours later. It’s night now and  I’ve been tossing and turning in this bed for what seems like hours. Liam and i had both returned to our quarter after that incident. I had headed to bed and had fallen asleep soon after only to wake a short time later and had spent the rest of the day laying in bed staring at the ceiling. I must’ve fallen back into my slumber at some point  because I woke back up to find myself wrapped in my husbands arms and him sleeping soundly beside me. That all happens hours earlier though and i still haven’t been able to drift back off enough then I’m exhausted. 

 It’s hard to remember a time when I didn't feel utterly useless and hopeless. It amazes me how I’ve somehow managed to convince people that I’m okay for years.  How  I’ve some how managed to convince my family and friends that I’m okay with a fake smile when they are the people who are supposed to know me better than anyone; the people who are supposed to call me out on my bullshit. 

Liam is sleeping beside me so I quietly got out of the end and headed down the hall to our home study. I close the door half way and I switch on the desk lamp that sits on the corner of the desk. I plop down into the seat behind the desk and open the notebook sitting in the middle and pick up a pen out of the pit. 

Dear Liam, 

First things first, this isn't your fault. I need you to know that. I know that you’ll blame yourself but I don’t want you to.

 I’m not really sure what to say or how to explain this to you. 

Everything is just so hard. Most of the time, I’m able to handle it and keep going with my life without my daily routine  being affected too much but not anymore. I’m stuck in possibly the worst depressive episode that I’ve ever been in and I just don’t see a way out, Li. 

I know that I should just talk to you but when I try there’s a voice at the back of my mind screaming at me that I’m nothing but a burden to you, my parents, our friends.  I’m not sure when I started feeling like this. At some point everything started to feel pointless, I'm just not sure when.

You’ve made me so happy, Liam. I love you. I love that since you found out about my epilepsy you haven’t treated me like a kid or let it define our relationship. I’m sorry that I didn’t tell you, I’m sorry that I scare you every time it happens. I’m sorry that I lost our baby. I’m sorry that I’ve shut down and pushed you away since it happened.  I’m sorry that I’m not the woman that you married or at least I don’t feel like her anymore. 

There’s not one reason why I’m doing this. There isn't a clear explanation. So many things have contributed to this but none of them are your fault. If I were to try and explain this feeling to you or my parents or anyone; you’d all say something along  the lines of ‘it’ll get better’ ‘this is a long term solution for a short term problem’ or  ‘ You’ve still got your entire life ahead of you’- the problem is that I don’t want it. There’s nothing more to it. I just don’t want to be here anymore. It's all just too hard. 

I’m sorry; I know this will hurt you for a short while but you’ll move on. You’ll be okay. You’ll be amazing. I promise. I know I have no right to ask anything of you right now but...be happy.  That’s all I  want. 

I love you. 

Goodbye, Liam . 

I place down the pen and look down at my letter. There’s a couple tears stains on it now but none of the words have been smudged. 

I carefully tear out the page from the notebook and get to my feet. I quietly pad down that hall to our bedroom; Liam is thankfully still asleep. I stay in the doorway for a few minutes watching him sleep. In a short few hours he’ll wake up and I’ll be gone. 

I place the note down on my bedside table then enter the bathroom that’s conjoined to our bedroom. I quietly closed the door and headed over the sink counter top. 

I sniffle and wipe at both my nose and eyes with the sleeve of my hoodie. I look at my reflection; I look dead already. I don’t look like me...like a human. I don’t recognise myself at all anymore. 

I glance away from the mirror and caught sight of the little muti-coloured pill containers just in front of me. It’s like it's screaming out my name, telling me to just down them all and it’ll be over. Take the pills and not wake back up. There’s not a doubt in my mind; I just want it all to stop. I can’t do this anymore- I don't want to. I can’t. 

If I do it, Liam will be happy that he won’t have to worry about me anymore. No one will have to spend time and energy worrying about me anymore. 

I picked up the container and popped open each little compartment and tipped them into my hand. A couple of them roll out of my hand on fall to the floor but there’s enough in my hand to do the job already. 

I placed them into my mouth and swallowed them dry. I cough as they nearly get stuck going down my throat. I’m not sure how I feel right now. It’s an indescribable feeling that I can’t quite explain. 

I know that It’ll soon be over, I thought I would feel relief but I...I’m scared. I still feel relief because I know that this’ll all be over soon but I’m not so sure that this was the best decision. 

I feel regret for a brief moment before I remember why I’m doing this and that feeling ebbs away. This is right decision- I’m positive.

It’s a couple minutes later when  I’m startled when I hear someone knocking on the door. I freeze and turn to slowly look at it. 

“Riley? Honey, open the door.” That’s my mom. Why does she want? How does she even know it’s me. “Ri, you’ve been in here a long time. Please open the door, so I know you’re okay. Please?” 

I forgot she was an night owl- she must’ve been in the living room or something and saw me come in here. 

“I- I’m a little busy right now,” I called back. I just hope she’ll buy that and leave me alone. She doesn't need to see this. 

Shit- I forget someone will come in here when it’s over and find me. I hadn’t thought of that. 

I hear a brief commotion… more voices….more people are outside. Someone bangs on the door. “Riley, open the door.” 

That’s Liam. Shit. 

I catch sight of my reflection in the mirror. My skin is pale and beads of sweat are now forming on my forehead. 

I don’t feel so good. 

I wave my hands in front face to try and cool myself down. I’m so hot.

“Ri, It’s dad, open the door,” My dad pleads, “Honey, please open the door.” 

I think someone just rammed into the door. It happens again and the door flies open, the frame splintering. Liam is the first person I see...kind of , my vision is starting to blur. I sway back and forth, I feel so out of it.  

“What did you do?!” my dad yells. Somebody is holding me up, I can feel someones arms wrapped around my waist. I think it’s Liam. 

I’m dizzy. 

 I hear my mom let out a sob. “Riley!” 

The voices around me, the terrified screams of my family don’t register. I stumble back into my husband’s chest. My knees buckle and I’m vaguely aware of being lowered down onto the floor. 

I’m barely aware of what’s going on around me, the flurry of people, nothing makes any sense. All I know is that I don’t feel good and I’m scared. 

I’m trying to pay attention to what’s happening but I’m tired. I’m so tired and sleep is calling my name. My eyes flutter shut and I’m consumed by darkness. 

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Do you know of any fics that have John at the Surgery in them? It wasn't really explored in the show so... it can be just like one scene within a larger fic, but I haven't been able to find any fics with this. TIA

Hey Lovely!

Ahhhh you know, I have a lot of fics where he’s at the surgery, but I’ll be damned if I can remember them all!!! Here’re the ones I do remember! <3 Please add your own fics, my friends, if your fic is in the Surgery!

JOHN AT THE SURGERY

See Also: 

Hospital Fics

Hospitals Pt 2

Doctor / Caretaker John 

Doctor / Caretaker John Pt. 2 

Doctor / Caretaker John Pt. 3 

Doctor / Caretaker John Pt. 4

Excerpts from Purgatory by reapersun, what_alchemy (E, 5,829 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF, Doctor John, Reunion Fic, Rough Sex, Angry Sex, Bottomlock, Fic with Pics)  – John serves community service in homeless shelters for chinning the superintendent. Unbeknownst to him, the Homeless Network has his back.

The doctor is in by PlainJane (E, 7,581 w., 1 Ch. || Omegaverse || Sex Therapist, Anal, Hand Jobs, Frottage, Virgin Sherlock) – Sherlock is a young alpha with an aversion to his cycle. John is a gender medicine specialist. Nothing could possibly go wrong... Part 1 of Doctors and detectives

The Acronym by DancingGrimm (T, 15,057 w., 12 Ch. || Humour) – "'Bee Ay Em Eff'. Hm, that's a new one on me. Do you know what it means, Sherlock?" John might not know what it means, but there are many little ways in which he proves the acronym suits him.

The Midas Touch by flawedamythyst (E, 32,231 w., 1 Ch. || Magical Realism, John has a Magical Cock, Dub Con, Healer John) – John Watson has a medical condition that means everyone he sleeps with is instantly healed of all illness and injury. This causes complications when Sherlock breaks his arm, and even more complications when Sherlock falls in love with him. Yes, this is a story where John has a literal magic healing cock. It's a lot less cracky than you're probably imagining. Warning: Contains complex issues of sexual consent, although not between Sherlock and John.

A Week is Just Seven Days Isn't It? by scifigrl47 (T, 39,906 w., 4 Ch. || Humour, Friendship/Bromance, Stroppy/Bored Sherlock, Undercover/Army John, Texting, Pining-ish Sherlock, John Whump) – When John heads overseas for a week, Sherlock's forced to fend for himself. It goes about as well as anyone could have anticipated. Which is to say, very, very poorly. Don't worry, things'll be fine in just seven days.

The Hollow Woman by ScopesMonkey (M, 51,335 w., 22 Ch. || Post-TRF, Major Character Death, Mystery, Romance, Friendship, Family, Angst, Crime, Reunion, First Kiss / Time, Nightmares, Doctor John, Jealous Sherlock, Jealous John, BAMF John, Angry John, Dub-Con, Rough Sex, Bottomlock, Possessive John, Villain Mary, Open Ending) – Forced to return to London sooner than expected, Sherlock falls into a case too close to home. Part 1 of the Hollowverse series

Gold Rush by ShirleyCarlton (E, 71,783 w., 17 Ch. || Post S3 / No Mary, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse, First Kiss, Case Fic, Slow Burn, Alternating POV, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Marriage Proposal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abduction, Anxious/Insecure Sherlock, Miscommunication, Emotional Lovemaking) – John has divorced Mary and pops round to 221B one evening to find Sherlock in the middle of a case. As Sherlock tries to find the identity of a young woman’s stalker, John realises he can no longer deny his feelings for Sherlock – which then, to their befuddlement, turn out to be mutual. Shy kisses and tentative embraces ensue. But will Sherlock be able to cast off a shadow from his past that he thinks might prevent John from wanting to stay?

Kintsukuroi by sussexbound (E, 91,823 w., 20 Ch. || S4 Compliant / Post-TLD, Grief / Mourning, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Therapy, Past Abuse, Alcohol Abuse, Nightmares, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Depression, Anxiety, Bed Sharing, Love Confessions, Cuddling, Suicidal Ideation, Masturbation, Minor Character Death, Sexting, Frottage, Inexperienced Sherlock, Rimming / Anal / BJ’s, Emotional Turmoil, Finding Each Other) – “I love you.” Sherlock sees the words hit John with almost physical force. He reels back a little, jaw twitching and eyes filling. “I love you,” he repeats, a little softer, a little more gentle, as earnest as he possibly can. Because they’ve been teetering on the brink of this thing for years, and it had become painfully obvious over the last few months that they were at a tipping point. This had to happen. Now it has. Now they can see where they end up. The tears in John’s eyes spill over, and he wipes at them angrily. “Do you even know what that means?”  

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

The Quiet Man by ivyblossom (E, 157,369 w., 58 Ch. || Post-TRF, John First POV, Grief/Mourning, Angst, Present Tense, Imaginary Sherlock) – "Do you just carry on talking when I'm away?"

MARKED FOR LATER (tagged with “Surgery”)

Milk, the Flu, and Harry by Inactive Account (sassybleu) (M, 1,609 w., 1 Ch. || Insecure Sherlock, Understanding John, Angst with Happy Ending, Sherlock’s Called ‘Freak’) – John leaves Sherlock for a few days (angsty) John says things he doesn’t mean (“you’re a freak”) Sherlock thinks he deserves it (he’s insecure) and packs John’s bags for him while he’s gone. John is to blame (bad day at surgery-Sherlock being Sherlock; he’s frustrated and snaps)

Inhale With Ease by Vulpesmellifera (E, 25,989 w., 8 Ch. || S4 Divergence, Covid-19/Quarantine, Jealous John, Love Letters, Victor Trevor, Divorce, Angst with Happy Ending) – In the years after Vivian Norbury's capture, life seems to work out just as John planned. He's got that respectable job at the surgery and goes home to his wife and child. He joins Sherlock on cases a couple times per week. It's a rhythm he can live with - just enough adrenaline highs to balance out the drudgery of a normal bloke's life. Until a pandemic, and Victor Trevor, arrive in London.

Turned - Part I : Queen and Country by saintscully (E, 76,008 w., 20 Ch. || HLV Divergence / No TAB, Graphic Sherlock/OC, Spy Sherlock, PTSD, Internalized Homophobia, Army Homophobia, Emotional Infidelity, Physical Infidelity, Slow Burn, Emotional Manipulation, Eventual Johnlock) – Moriarty’s message never gets broadcasted. The airplane taking Sherlock away never returns.As rumours begin to swirl about a British POW found alive in Gaza ten months later, Mycroft shows up at John’s surgery with some good news: Sherlock is alive, and he’s coming back. In this story, inspired by ‘Homeland’ and ‘Prisoners of War’, John and Sherlock are left with no choice but to re-examine everything about their relationship since Sherlock’s fall. Part 1 of the Turned series

You Go To My Head Series by 7PercentSolution and J_Baillier (E, 937,347+ w. across 22 Stories || Series WiP || Surgeon AU || Medical Realism, Autism Spectrum, Anaesthetist John / Neurosurgeon Sherlock, Friends to Lovers, Pining, Addiction, Angst, Slow Burn, PTSD, Pining, Insecurity, Additional Tags Under Link) – This series is an alternate universe one, featuring the exciting medical and romantic adventures of doctors Watson and Holmes. (I haven’t read this one, but JUDGING by the topic of these stories, I imagine there’s a lot of surgery scenes lol)

[couch-house]

Wow people like that anon are why we need to be more educated about manipulation via self-destruction. We all need to understand and know that if we constantly, repeatedly "make" someone feel bad enough to consider harmful actions just through TINY contradictions it might just not be us and we don't have to put up with all the stress, discomfort, depression, etc. that comes from it. And sometimes it's really obvious when it's manipulation, it's not NEVER an option.

exactly bro. i’m gonna do something real fun and talk about my abuser, who did this for years! under the cut

so im just gonna come right out and say it so i dont gotta give him an epithet every time, but his name was dibby/dib. he goes by a different name now i think but from what ive heard it seems like ppl r familiar with him by that name as well. w/e for his privacy i guess ill just leave his current name out of it. anyway i knew and was friends with/dated dib for about 7 years before we cut each other out.

ANYWAY dib had/has legitimate mental health problems, yes, but he also chose to use those problems as excuses for his manipulative and abusive behavior. dib had bipolar and would experience dramatic mood swings. unfortunate but normal and okay! if you experience mood swings and suddenly feel overwhelmed by sadness or anger, you probably know that, if you recognize this as a disorder, you should let the people around you know, tell them how you’re feeling, and do what you can to manage the situation.  dib would instead say “oh no i feel a mood swing coming. :( quick, distract me!” which, again is a clumsy but fair way to handle that, EXCEPT when it inevitably failed to cheer him up, he would blame us for failing, call us bad friends, insist we didn’t care about him, and isolate to only talking with his favorite person (for a while that was me). 

when dib got upset he would blow up, block me for days or weeks, and then later when he calmed down and felt lonely he’d add me back with some half-apology and assume everything was fine again. here’s a list i kept of things that upset him and had this result! it was called “things not to do”

tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

fail to tell dib when [his gf] is streaming

ask dib if it’s okay to do things

talk to him when he’s feeling antisocial

offer critique when it isn’t asked for

ask dib not to do something

talk to him in the tags (when not friends)

spam things he doesn’t like/isn’t involved in ((the relevant examples are bug blogs, bunnies, and the pbs kids show arthur. not because they trigger him, just because he doesn’t like them))

talk about/mention people that are my friends that he doesn’t like

offer solutions when he just needs confirmation

make it about you

yeah. keep in mind every one of those bullet points corresponds to at least one time he either faked his own death or blew up and blocked me for a week.

the bigger problem though was his suicide ideation. dib had a pretty shit life and pretty shit mental health and unfortunately was legitimately depressed and suicidal. he needed help but, living in america, really couldnt afford it most of the time. this is okay. if you or someone you know is unable to get medical health for depression or suicide ideation you know how hard it is to live with. sometimes there’s not a lot you can do and that person will Just Be Depressed an just Want To Die and theres not a lot you can do to help, even if you try your best. that of course, is not the problem with dib. 

the problem was repeatedly, starting i think when i criticized him for pushing everyone away by insisting no one cares about him and not putting any effort towards others, would make some vague allusion to feeling suicidal and abruptly log off and stop answering messages. this can be an okay way to deal with yourself if you’re upset BUT. THE NEXT DAY, after i frantically thought he was going to Attempt and repeatedly messaged him to try to deter him, check on him, ask if he was okay (he really just went to sleep, which again is fine), he decided to PRETEND TO BE DEAD.  he told his gf and maybe one other person he was alive but threatened them to stay quiet and pretend he was dead or he WOULD commit. so his gf at the time had to play along and all of us then-kids were freaking out that our friend had died, only for him to decide later that he’d had his fun and he could now announce “no i just logged off for a little bit :)”

he did this. many times. make some allusion to wanting to attempt then abruptly stop answering messages, knowing what people would assume. (this was one of the pieces of testimony i did not include verbatim in that rk post: i was told rk would do very similar things; part of why i thought the post was necessary. ive lived through the other side of that and i dont want ANYONE else to). i think two separate times that he did this, i was sent home from school early because i was crying so hard (my best friend let me think i was responsible for his death. he did this on purpose. he did this repeatedly. thats fucked up)

one time he posted a supposedly queued suicide note post! and all my friends were terrified he’d died! so i remember someone anonymously messaged kylee henke asking for advice, and i (who at the time he was mad at and had already blocked) got fed up with it (again because he’d done this so many times and i knew by now that there was no point in getting upset, he was just doing it for sympathy or attention or w/e) and messaged his mom on facebook asking her to check on him. he was fine, just like. crying in his room. also sidenote he got BIG MAD that someone told his mom and was posting when he was found out liek WHO TOLD >:( n i was like :)). bc bro if ur really abt to attempt i have an Obligation to get someone irl to check on you and protect you. but obviously you werent since this was like the 20th fucking time youve done this 🙃

he was a huge pizza shit for other reasons too but the main relevant one was that he would use his mental illness as an excuse for his deplorable behavior and blame others for things literally no one can reasonably do anythign about and then constantly and i DO MEAN CONSTANTLY use his own life and suicide ideation as a trump card.

anyway if you know someone who repeatedly threatens suicide or pretends to commit suicide by purposefully alluding to it before ghosting you, or posting a suicide note meant to blame others, you need to get out of there right now. that is not okay and you should not be dealing with that. ive taken years to get used to the idea that if i criticize my friends, they won’t kill themselves

[hazyheel]

WWE Monday Night Raw 6/24/19 Review

Seth Rollins came out to start the night, for a promo obviously, and Becky Lynch quickly came out to join him. Rollins “gave Corbin credit” for picking Lacey Evans as the ref, because she did anything she could to screw him over, but he didn’t account for the best backup on the planet in Becky Lynch. Lynch then went on to call out Evans for tapping out as fast as she could. Corbin’s music hit, and then Evans attacked Lynch from behind. Rollins tried to pull Lynch off of Evans, but she pushed Rollins aside and beat her down. Corbin then attacked Rollins. The faces took down the heels, and Corbin got on the mic to claim that Lynch was basically defending the Universal championship herself. He also told Rollins to go home and make “The Man” a sandwich. They trash talked a bit, until Evans challenged Rollins and Lynch to a mixed tag match at Extreme Rules, for both of their championships. The faces accepted, under the condition that it would be the last time either of them could challenge for the belts. Then everyone left.

Grade: C. I was kinda into that match if it was the main event of Raw. it was different, there were stakes, and it meant that Corbin and Evans would be gone. For a pay per view, probably the main event, I just groaned. Especially Extreme Rules, because this was not an extreme match at all. But it is kinda cute seeing Rollins and Lynch together. They seem to be pretty happy. I also noticed that they are only calling Rollins Lynch’s boyfriend, rather than Lynch being a girlfriend. I dunno, I just think it makes lynch seem more badass.

Then we had a big 8-man elimination tag match. Xavier Woods, Big E and the Usos vs. The Revival and The Planets tag team champions. This is supposed to be “champions versus challengers,” which is weird because The New Day lost their match last night. Scott Dawson quickly tagged himself in, and had some tension with Daniel Bryan. This was compounded when Bryan tried to hit Woods with a suicide dive, but hit Dawson instead. This caused Wilder to give Bryan a european uppercut while Bryan hit the ropes, allowing Bryan to be rolled up by Woods and eliminated. The Revival quickly hit a shatter machine on Woods to eliminate the new day, so it became a normal tag match. They do this a lot now, more 2 out of 3 falls matches and elimination matches because Vince McMahon doesn’t let anyone wrestle during commercials anymore, so they have to find some other way to get you excited enough to keep watching the show. Which is extra odd, because the Usos were hitting a suicide dive as we came back, but I guess it wasn’t part of the match. There was an interesting finish where Jey got a blind tag, but the Revival didn’t notice, so Dawson went to superplex Jimmy while Wlider was up on another turnbuckle. Jey then crotched Wilder on the turnbuckle, and after Dawson hit the superplex, Jey jumped off of Wilder’s back to splash Dawson and get the win.

Grade: C+. Decent match to open everything up, but I hate that both sets of tag team champions were pinned. But it sets up some matches for extreme rules probably. Hopefully Heavy Machinery can challenge rather than the New Day, but we will see.

Then they had the Miz walking through a hallway before Miz TV, which I only mention because Abbey from the Firefly funhouse was in the background. So thats fun. Miz welcomed both R-Truth and Carmella as guests on his actual show, and apparently Miz had the 24/7 championship rule suspended during the interview. Miz showed Truth winning the belt back at Drake Maverick’s wedding. Truth talked about how he lives in paranoia with the belt now, and he can’t even have sex. He also thought that police coming up to his house to tell him that his car was on fire were superstars disguised. Drake Maverick then came out, saying that Truth ruined his wedding, and his young marriage, because they haven’t had sex. (He was studdering that he hasn’t... he hasn’t... as the crowd chanted “what” which was the genuine best use of the what chant) He then challenged Truth to a singles match for the belt, and Truth accepted.

That match was next, with Truth winning with a flatliner right away, and then being chased around by the jobbers. After Maverick lost, he was interviewed by Charly, and he just cried. 

Grade: B-. This was funny, especially the stuff about Truth mishearing the word consummation as constipation. I think it is odd that they keep suspending the rule, as it was suspended for the match as well. The fact that the match wasn’t actually anything definitely hurt the grade here, and it was weird seeing an actual segment for it. I feel bad for Drake though, poor guy.

Backstage, Evans and Corbin seemed to think that their best strategy to take out their Extreme Rules opponents was to focus on Becky. Okay then.

Then we had Roman Reigns vs. Drew McIntyre and Shane McMahon, in a tornado tag handicap match. Reigns tried to overwhelm them with sheer aggression, but the numbers quickly became too much for him. They beat the crap out of Reigns, giving him two Claymore kicks, and spear from Shane. As Shane went for the Coast to Coast, the Undertaker showed up to make the save. I think that the match ended in a DQ, but I don’t really know for sure.

Grade: C. W-what? Why? Who? When will this tag match happen? Why is it happening? I really don’t know. The match was fine, and I was certainly shocked that Taker showed up, but I am so confused and distraught. I just do not get it. The beatdown itself was fine, I just don’t know where this is going.

Then there was a tug of war between Braun Strowman and Bobby Lashley. Strowman won, and Lashley attacked Strowman afterwards. He even attacked him with the rope, so we will probably get a bullrope match for Extreme Rules. 

Grade: D-. A worked tug of war is lame. This was boring, I don’t like this feud. The only reason that it doesn’t get an F is because I kinda like the idea of a big man bullrope match for extreme rules.

AJ Styles was then welcomed back to the ring from Charly, who asked why he wants to challenge Ricochet. He said that he wanted to fight the best of the best. Just then, he saw the goodbrothers partying with the conga line. Styles admonished them for not taking the competition seriously, even though they have a match with the Viking Raiders.

That match was next, and the two teams traded control back and forth. Not much happened in particular, and the Viking Raiders won with their finisher.

Grade: B-. Not a bad match. That’s all I have to say about that.

Backstage, Alexa Bliss and Nikki Cross were talking about how Cross screwed Bliss out of her match at Stomping Grounds. Bliss did not be outwardly mean to Cross, but didn’t say that it wasn’t Cross’s fault. She just said that Bayley is good at manipulating people into being angry and stuff. I like where this is going. Bliss wasn’t hugely pissed, but you could tell she is annoyed. So burn, very good. 

Natalya and Naomi talked to Nikki Cross about how Bliss isn’t a good person. Bliss then walked in and confronted everyone, which ended with Naomi challenging Bliss to a match. 

Then we were supposed to have Heath Slater vs. Mojo Rawley, but Truth showed up before the match with the people in tow. Slater was able to land a neckbreaker and win the belt for himself, only to lose it right back to Truth, who then lost it to Cedric Alexander, who then lost it to EC3, who then lost it back to truth. I enjoyed this, just fun. 

Ricochet was then interviewed about winning his first championship. He was just happy and grateful.

Before the Sami Zayn vs. Kofi Kingston, Kevin Owens and Zayn asked Kofi some interview questions that sorta vaguely insulted him. Kingston said that Owens had a zit, and Zayn said that Kofi was a paper champion who always needed help from the New Day. Kingston then pointed out the flaws in Zayn and Owens’ friendship, while saying that the New Day are brothers. Seems like foreshadowing to me. 

Into the match, Kingston vs. Zayn. Owens was helping out Zayn when he could by attacking Kingston while the ref’s back was turned. Zayn was in control for almost the entire match, even hitting a good looking Michinoku Driver. But eventually Kingston rolled him up for the win.

After the match, Owens challenged him to another match right away, and Kofi actually accepted. So then they had a match, where Owens was very much in control. However, Kingston still won by giving Owens an SOS on the ramp and winning unceremoniously by countout. Then out of nowhere, Samoa Joe attacked Kingston and threw him around on the ramp before choking Kingston out.

Grade: B-. I get the point of this, they made Kingston into a huge underdog here, fighting off dastardly heels and barely surviving, only to beat beaten down afterwards anyway. I think that this means we will be getting a Samoa Joe championship match, but he should earn it in a number one contendership match. Especially since he just lost the US championship last night.

They then announced that it would be Reigns and Taker vs. McIntyre and Shane at Extreme Rules. I figured.

Then we had Naomi vs. Alexa Bliss. This match was quick, as Naomi accidentally hit Cross with a baseball slide. Bliss then won the match and continued to attack Naomi. She then tried to get Cross to attack too, and Cross pushed both women down. Natalya then ran out to stand with Naomi, and it turned into a tag match. Cross had a nice looking hot tag where she took down both opponents. Cross even hit the swinging neckbreaker for the win, but Bliss was the one who got the pin.

Grade: C+. A couple meh matches that furthered the Cross and Bliss storyline. I think it will be a while before the turn, and I’m okay with that. Slow burns are awesome.

And in the main event, we had a returning AJ Styles vs. Ricochet. They were grappling a little bit, when AJ just suddenly took him to the mat. And as they were wrestling, the Good Brothers came out, although not looking particularly friendly for either of them. Anderson did try to get involved, but Styles quickly told them to beat it. So they restarted the match and had a mix of both fast paced striking and submission holds, even pulling out some moves that were reminiscent of indie wrestling. At one point, Styles hit an awesome reverse DDT which looked really brutal. In the finish, Styles hit a Phenomenal Forearm for the win.

Grade: B+. Good match, but this is nowhere even near what they can do. This definitely sets up Styles for a United States Championship match on Pay Per View. That is when they should cut loose. Sucks that Ricochet lost in his first match as champion. Still, they put on the match of the night. 

Overall grade: C

Pros: Main event

Cons: opening promo; handicap match; tug of war; 

[trash-by-trash]

Couldn’t Hurt A Fly

A/N: What is this? Another post? In the next two days?! Yes, I have come back with another fandersangst challenge entry, this time for Virgil’s laugh and Patton’s love for dogs. Your welcome. 

Ships/Pairings: Platonic moxiety

Warnings: Negative thinking/thoughts, suicidal thoughts, suicide attempt mention, aggressive dog, blood mention

Virgil's laugh was like music to Pattons ears. It was small and bright, and it was even cuter when Virgil tried to hide it, but failed and ended up laughing even harder. His kiddo was precious and deserved the world.

For Patton, every chuckle, giggle, shy smile from Virgil was worth the world. He loved being the reason for him smiling. He wanted to be the reason he smiled. No matter what, his smile was worth it and made his heart swell.

Or so he thought.

***

“OH MY GOODNESS IT'S A DOG, LOOK AT THE SWEET PUPPY, VIRGIL!” Patton squealed, jumping up and down in his excitement. The four had decided to take a walk through the neighborhood that day, and they so happened too come across a neighbors dog. Virgil chuckled at Pattons excitement, but the smile quickly disappeared to see the sign on the fence in front of said dog.

“Patton, the sign says beware dog.” Virgil's brow furrowed in concern as he turned to his friend who hadn't stopped jumping since he saw the dog. “Beware how cute they are! Look at them, Virge! They couldn't hurt a fly!” This didn't stop Virgil from worrying, though, and he walked behind Patton as the other closed up on the dog. Patton squealed. “Hey buddy!” He chirped, hand reaching out for the dog to sniff it.

“Patton, I would suggest heading the warning. There will most likely be many dogs in sight on the walk that will be much friendlier.” Logan stated, becoming a little frustrated as Patton ignored his words. Roman placed his hand on Patton's shoulder. “Padre, maybe you should listen to Logan on this one. Old E=MCNerd here may be annoying, but he's not stupid.”

He shook his head. “It's alright, guys, I got this-!” Patton started, before being interrupted by a loud barking. Virgil quickly went to his rescue and grabbed Patton by the shoulders, pulling him away from the fence. “Patton, you have to be more careful!!” He scolded.

Patton simply shrugged. “I'm a stranger to them, they won't like me right away.” He gave the others a reassuring smile. “Animals are just defensive, which in a way, we have in common-” “PATTON WATCH OUT”

He looked at where Virgil was pointing, which was the dog, on the other side of the fence.

Holy crap.

The others slowly walked in the other direction, hoping to avoid conflict, but Patton stood his ground. “Cmon Pat!” Virgil urged. Yet he ignored Virgil's protests and stood frozen. The dog barked at them, and didn't look very happy. At all.

Patton was stuck in the same position, frozen in fear. Even as the dog started charging for him, he didn't move.

Until someone pushed him to the side.

***

Logan grabbed the bandages from the closet shelf, taking the box to the living room.

“Are you alright, kiddo?” Patton whispered, red in the face, looking at the bite marks on Virgil's hand and leg. “It kinda stings a bit? But I'll be alright. Believe me when I say I've been through much worse.” Virgil answered, way too calm for what just happened. “He'll be alright, Patton. There is nothing to worry about, as Virgil for the most part is unharmed.” Logan reassured.

“But there's blood!” Patton protested, tears stinging his eyes.

“Oof, Loli-Pops, this is nothing compared to previous injuries he's-” Virgil jabbed Roman in the stomach cutting his sentence short. It would be best not to worry Patton even more.

Patton whimpered, wincing as Logan placed a bandage over two cuts on Virgil's  hand and leg. “Once again, Patton, he'll be fine. Just think twice before you say something can't hurt a fly.”

“W-what injuries have you had in the past, Virgil?” Patton said in a hushed voice. “Remember when we went roller skating?” Roman asked. A couple months ago, they had gone roller skating, and Patton decided to surprise hug Virgil, which ended with both of the crashing into a tree.  Patton looked shocked. “I-I thought Virgil said he was okay!” Wide eyes gave a heartbreaking look towards Virgil. “...I thought you said you were okay!”

“I’m sorry, Pat, I didn’t want to hurt you-”

“But I hurt YOU. Why are you sorry?!”

“When am I not?” Virgil sighed. “Patton, I’m okay now, seriously. I just had a large bruise for a while, but I’m fine. You’re worrying more than I do, and that's saying something.” Then he laughed. It was bright, full of life, and would usually make Patton’s day.

But this time it wasn’t with him.

It was at him.

He stood up, shocked at what he was just told, and started sputtering apologies. The others tried to calm him down, but he shook his head and ran up the stairs to his room.

***

Stupid.

How many times will you hurt him?

He’s been hurt enough.

He doesn’t need this.

He doesn’t need you.

You say you care?

Then prove it.

Patton sobbed into his pillow, the thoughts of horrible acts clouding his rational thinking. “No, no, no! I can’t...I can’t do that….not to Virgil...not to any of them…” He argued (really to himself), but the thoughts kept coming.

Can’t make their lives easier? You really are selfish.

“It won't! They...they want me here. I know that now...I can try to again. It'll hurt them.” He whispered. Yes, he knew that this was him talking to himself. Yes, he knew he was being very stupid, but honestly, what other option did he have? He couldn't tell the others. He'd hurt them so much already. Imagine, if he'd hurt Virgil that much in the 6 years he knew him, then what about Roman and Logan, who he knew all his life?

He hated this.

He hated being afraid of everything.

Afraid of his own friends.

The only people who care about him.

He was a monster.

General Tag List:

@icantbeme71097 @retro-remix @sanderssideblog @countessmissyshort @anxiously-romantic @hissesssss @acrazia @thisrandomperson102 @desolate-darlin :D 

also @randomslasher cause of moxiety (i am so sorry)

[inhalethehetalia]

Overly detailed answers by your’s truly

I had the pleasant surprise of seeing a mention from @aph-fedya to do this thing so here we goooo 

1. Which one do you love more: OTP or your most fave chara? and why?

Hmmm… This question is actually kind of difficult because I don’t really know? My OTP usually- no, always consists of one of my favorite characters. I really just want them to be happy, and if I can’t find someone that makes them happy, they’ll just be a single pringle because then they’re still happy. So, probably my favorite character.

2. What fanfic do you love most? It could be written by yours/others.

Gutters by glassofmilk, though I can’t tell if I love or hate it sometimes because emotions. It’s actually very dear to me, mostly because it was the first Hetalia fanfiction I read that wasn’t self-insert (I know, I’m horrible)

3. Why do you love your OTP?

I’ve actually talked about this before, but it’s because I just want my favorite characters to be happy. I just have an impulsive N E E D to find a way for them to find happiness; to weave together a lil’ basket of happy for them. That includes finding another person that I feel would make them happy, so that they could make each other happy. When I find that person that makes my favorite character happier, it makes me happier, and becomes my OTP for life™

4. What Fanfic / Movie did make you cry the most?

Most definitely Gutters by glassofmilk. Gutters took me on an emotional rollercoaster, the suspense, the slow pace of traveling, and the overall amazing writing of it took me from my world into their’s, enough to let my world fall away completely; something that I can definitely appreciate. Someone actually spoiled the ending for me (damn you, by the way) but I kind of just shoved that to the back of my mind for most of it. The ending shattered my heart and I may or may not have cried for multiple hours, and not even sad crying, like- full on mourning over here. Unfortunately, my mom had to deal with the mess that was me and actually had to ban me from reading the last chapters for a while because I was such an emotional wreck.

5. What Song that describes your OTP the best?

I Bet My Life by Imagine Dragons or If I Could Tell Her from Dear Evan Hansen from 1:56 to 4:08 for RusAme. I know the latter probably doesn’t make sense but I think it’s really cute and the whole “I wish I could tell them I love them but they probably still hate me or they might use it against me” thing is so fitting for two countries in love, ok.

6. Favorite Sleeping Position? (Like for example The Foetus, On your Back, or describe it any way you want)

“The Fetus” in a classic blanket burrito

7. Savory food or sweets?

Sweets! Preferably pastries though.

8. If you could be a supernatural being, what being would you choose to be?

Honestly, I don’t care as long as it has birb wings because I’d kill for a pair of big birb wings

9. Angst or Fluff?

As much as I love angst, and love to joke about angst, I actually can’t read much of it. Especially if it has linings of suicide/depression, because I actually have to deal with those things in my everyday life, unfortunately. Reading too much angst only makes that worse and it’s pretty bad already. So, mostly fluff for me, and I do love fluff, I mean- who doesn’t?! But the occasional angst fic is good too ^w^ 

10. What mobile/computer app do you use the most daily?

Youtube. Also maybe Photoshop but Youtube is constant. It’s what I use for music, I love watching videos on there, and I just love Youtube all around, honestly. (Except maybe the fact I have to pay for Youtube Red now but eh, you gave and you take) 

My Questions for anyone who wants to answer themm 

1. Who’s your favorite character and why do you like them?

2. Do you have any friends in your fandom(s)?

3. Are your OTPs usually canon-based, or are they personality based?

4. Any childhood or current dreams you have for the future?

5. Day or Night?

6. One positive thing about your day? (Positivity is wonderful)

7. Do you have any headcanons for OTPs or characters you’ve never mentioned?

8. If you could only hug one character, who would it be? Who really needs that loving hug?

9. Any songs, stories, or movies that you can quote on a daily basis?

10. What character do you relate to the most? Why? I don’t really have anyone I want to tag, I don’t want to bother anyone. Soooo, If you want to do this, go ahead! Maybe tag me in the post??? I kinda want to see if anyone answers? Anyway, have a lovely day/night, you can continue with your life now and thank you for reading this if you did!

[inevitably-johnlocked]

Hugs, Cuddles & Kisses Pt. 6

Hi , do you got any fluffy johnlock with cuddling

(submitted by here-4-tha-ship)

Anonymous asked: hiii got any johnlock fics where sherlock wants a hug but he feels embarrassed to ask john? thank you sm <3

—–

Hi Lovelies!! I sure do! And enough to do a new list too!! So thank you, people don’t ask for this enough these days hahhah! Hope you enjoy!!

See also:

Hugs & Cuddles and Tooth-Rotting Fluff (Pt. 2)

Hugs & Cuddles Pt. 2 /…/

…/ Hugs, Cuddles & Kisses Pt. 3 /…

Hugs, Cuddles & Kisses Pt. 4 

Hugs, Cuddles & Kisses Pt. 5

A Better Fate Than Wisdom by flawedamythyst (G, 1,339 w., 1 Ch. || First Kiss, John’s Sexuality Crisis, Pining Sherlock, Happy Ending, Fluff) – Nearly four hours pass between their first kiss and their second.

Evermore by SosoHolmesWatson (G, 2,068 w., 1 Ch. || Post-S4,  5-Year-Old Rosie, Love Confessions, Song Fic, Parentlock, Oblivious John, Pining Sherlock, First Kiss, Love Confessions, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Disney Songs, Beauty and the Beast) – For the past years, John and Sherlock have lived at Baker Street again, raising Rosie together--as friends and nothing more. Ever since the little girl has watched her first Disney movie, she is obsessed with princesses. When John comes home one day, he finds his friend and his daughter in the middle of a reenactment of her current favourite. Part 1 of Made of Music

Living Musical by VeeTheRee (G, 4,149 w. 1 Ch. || Est. Rel., Tooth-Rotting Fluff, Domestic Fluff, Hobbies, Summer, Song Fic, POV Sherlock, Painting, Play Fighting, Soft Sherlock, Dancing, Love Declarations, Hair Petting, Promise of Forever) – A one-shot of John and Sherlock being domestic during summer. There is paint, fluff, and music from Imagine Dragons, namely from the album 'Speak To Me', specific song in this one-shot is 'Living Musical'. Part 1 of the Happy Fluffy Johnlock Time series

Date Night by inevitably_johnlocked (G, 4,451 w., 1 Ch. || Anxious / Worried Sherlock, Caring John, Schmoopy Fluff, Fidget Cube, Baking / Cooking, Date Night, Established Relationship, POV Sherlock Holmes, Understanding John, Grumpy Sherlock, John’s Bum, Kisses, Hugs, Domestic Fluff, Touching, Hair Petting, Light Humour) – It's John and Sherlock's first Date Night as an official couple and Sherlock needs it to be PERFECT. Mrs Hudson helps. Part 7 of I-J's Tumblr Ficlet Collection

To be loved by Strange_johnlock (E, 12,436 w., 8 Ch. || Post S3, Established Relationship, First Person POV Sherlock, Pet Names, Soft Sherlock, Mild ADHD, Protective John, Captain Watson, Body Appreciation, Bottomlock, Rough Sex, Travelling for Holidays, Introspection, Sherlock Loves John So Much It Hurts) – John is so deeply integrated into the work, both as my conductor of light, and as a great shot with a vicious right hook who tackles men -and women- no matter their size all in my defense. He protects me with all he can without question, and this loyalty is surely more than I deserve. Or: Sherlock is counting his blessings.

There's So Much Labour Just in Breathing Lately by Susan (E, 12,708 w., 1 Ch. || Post-TRF / Mentions of S3 Events, Romance, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Grieving John, Mutual Pining, Meddling Mycroft, Therapy, Ambiguous Hopeful Ending, Infidelity) – The dreams he hated most – the ones that left him a sweating, shaking mess when he woke – were the ones in which Sherlock was just Sherlock. Laughing or drinking tea. Sitting across the table from him at Angelo’s eating pasta. Trailing his open hand behind him on the way to the bedroom. “C’mon, John. I’m about to have my way with you.”

holding steady by darcylindbergh (E, 12,724 w., 4 Ch. || Post S4, Love Confessions, First Kiss, Growing Old, Gone Fishing, Mood without Plot, Soft Sherlock, Caring Sherlock, POV John Third Person, Anxious Sherlock, First Kiss / Time, Touching, Feeling Old, Sherlock Worship, Crying Sherlock, Cuddles, Comforting, Introspection, Retirement, Hand Holding, Forehead Kisses, Caring John, Bed Sharing, Emotional Love Making) – Sitting on a thick wool blanket at the end of a rickety dock side-by-side, legs dangling over the edge, a styrofoam container of wet, dark dirt between them, they’re fishing. John knows what this is about. This is about finally figuring it out.

On The Fence by BeautifulFiction (T, 13,770 w., 1 Ch. || Fencing, Case Fic, First Kiss, Insecure John, Pining John, Hug, Greg Finds Out) – The murder of the King's College fencing champion leads to revelations about Sherlock's past. Will it be the point that tips them from friends to lovers, or will they remain on the fence?

The shape of the world around us by Salambo06 (E, 15,058 w., 5 Ch. || Lumberjack John / Botanist Sherlock, Different First Meeting, John Has a Beard, Light Case Fic, Flirting, First Kiss / Time, Masturbation, Love at First Sight, Horny Sherlock, John’s Bum, Bottomlock, Tenderness, Virgin Sherlock, Pining Sherlock, Shy Sherlock, Sexual Fantasies) – Looking through the bush, Sherlock felt his heartbeat quicken as a man passed in front of him. Sherlock frowned, trying to get a closer look despite the bush. The man was wearing a red plaid shirt rolled up to his elbows, and Sherlock couldn't take his eyes off the man’s arms. Muscular, slightly tanned with golden hairs along his forearms. For some unknown reason, Sherlock found himself imagining them around his waist, holding him tightly. Closing his eyes for the briefest second, Sherlock shook his head. Opening his eyes and looking back to where the man stood only a moment prior, he found himself alone. Great, now his only chance to find his way back to town was gone. “Why are you wearing a suit?”

A Hooligans’ Game Played By Gentlemen by scullyseviltwin (E, 15,213 w., 1 Ch. || First Time, Rugby as Foreplay, Porn with Lots of Plot, John POV, Ogling, Body Appreciation, Cranky Sherlock, Slow Burn, Bed Sharing, Cuddling, Touching, Heavy Petting, Blow Job, Botttomlock) – In which John wants to get back in shape, does so, joins a rugby league and has sex with Sherlock Holmes. In that order.

Division by MrsNoggin (E, 19,542 w., 11 Ch. || Coffee Shop AU || First Kiss/Time, Fluff, Barista Sherlock, Clingy Sherlock, POV John, John’s Limp, Bed Sharing, Fluff, Sleepy Cuddles, Sensuality, Touching, Virgin Sherlock, Insecure John) – John likes mysteries. And every morning he dips into the local independent coffee bar with his newspaper and ponders another... one Sherlock Holmes.

Deck the Halls by itsalwaysyou_jw (T, 31,018 w., 24 Ch. || Advent Fic / Multiple One-Shots, Assorted Tags) – One Johnlock ficlet for every day leading up to Christmas. Who is ready for pining, first kisses, established Johnlock, and everything in between? This collection of stand-alone ficlets will have it all.

Lucifer's Gardens by ampersand_ch (E, 32,679 w., 12 Ch. || GERMAN VERSION || Romance, Friendship, Friends to Lovers, Murder, Poison / Drugging, Mystery, John Undercover, Academic Club, Therapy, Rituals, Jungian Archetypes, Doctors & Physicians, Grief/Mourning, Esotericism, Hospitals, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Love Confessions, John Falls In Love With Another Man, Jealous Sherlock, Crying, Doctor John, Hand Holding, First Kiss/Time, Mysticism, Hugging, Touching) – John goes undercover for an investigation as a favour to Lestrade in a village in Suffolk. The events surrounding the case awaken deep-seated fears in Sherlock. While John begins to come to a realisation of what he needs in Lucifer's Gardens, Sherlock tries to find a way to reach John – in more ways than one.

Isosceles by SilentAuror (E, 56,609 w., 7 Ch. || Post-S4, POV John, Original Male Character / Sherlock Dates Another Man, Love Triangle, Jealous John, Virgin Sherlock, Sexual Coaching, Angst, Romance, Domesticity, Unrequited Feelings, Miscommunication, First Kiss/Time, For a Case, Friends With Benefits, Bottomlock, Love Confessions, Spooning) – After solving a case for a major celebrity, Sherlock gets himself asked out. When John asks, he discovers that Sherlock has no intention of going, at least not until John agrees to coach him through whatever he might need to know for his date...

Lunar Landscapes by J_Baillier (M, 57,046 w., 21 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || S3/TAB Fix-It, Slow Burn Angst, Drama, Hurt/Comfort, Confessions, Drugs, Pain, Medical, Injury, Sherlock Whump, Mental Health Issues, Panic Attacks, Romance, Secrets, Tragedy, Trauma, BAMF John, Doctor!John, Drug Addict Sherlock, Injured Sherlock, Grieving John, Idiots In Love, Protective John, POV John Watson, PTSD Sherlock, Sherlock is a Mess, Medical Realism) – An accident forces John to face the fact that Sherlock's downward spiral had started long before his flight to exile even left the tarmac.

Gold Rush by ShirleyCarlton (E, 71,783 w., 17 Ch. || Post S3 / No Mary, Friends to Lovers, Mentions of Past Sexual Abuse, First Kiss, Case Fic, Slow Burn, Alternating POV, Switchlock, Angst with Happy Ending, Marriage Proposal, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Abduction, Anxious/Insecure Sherlock, Miscommunication, Emotional Lovemaking) – John has divorced Mary and pops round to 221B one evening to find Sherlock in the middle of a case. As Sherlock tries to find the identity of a young woman’s stalker, John realises he can no longer deny his feelings for Sherlock – which then, to their befuddlement, turn out to be mutual. Shy kisses and tentative embraces ensue. But will Sherlock be able to cast off a shadow from his past that he thinks might prevent John from wanting to stay?

Against the Rest of the World by SilentAuror (E, 151,714 w., 20 Ch. || PODFIC AVAILABLE || Post-TRF, Hiatus Fic, POV First Person Sherlock, Present Tense, First Kiss/Time, Big Brother Mycroft, Escaping from Capture, Soft Sherlock, Toplock, Insecurity, Infidelity, Travelling, Introspection, Pining Sherlock, Depression, Fantasies, Yearning for the Past, PTSD Sherlock, Suicidal Ideation) – Sherlock has been away from London for nine hundred and twelve days and counting, and has no idea what sort of reception to expect when he finally returns.

[aliciavspinnet]

💫 🌻 🐝 ✨ (natalie) (lol) 💛 (okay so i was greedy & i want them all) (also ur choice of emojis made me giggle) (wtf is the middle one omg omgmgmgmg) (also pls forgive me pls for being the worst person in the world on kik) (i stg my love for you has not changed one bit i'm just The Antisocial Queen) (also i love you did i mention that?)

(natalie? rly? i never knew?)(lol it’s not like i have a tag dedicated 2 ur beautiful existence or anything)(also it’s a bee!!)(i luv bees)(and ahhhh i love u no matter what (also messaging can be stressful so plz never do it when ya don’t wanna do it))(also so sorrry this took 5eva u were literally the last one in my inbox and also i had to do it right) 

it’s all under the cut (cause i mean it’s long) 

trash aesthetic ratehumor category thing: memes / dad jokes / sarcasm / awkward pauses and rambles one of these: …wtf / *cries* / m8 / fight me a piece of kiwi slang (this is mia’s fault): chur / shot gee / yeah nah / cuzzies / GC one line of trash: when ur on a road trip with ur friends and the music is blasting really loud like super loud and ur singing to each other and the windows are down adn ur having a rocking time and the music isn’t exactly main stream it’s more like this is a fun lol (like mamma mia or something idk) and then u pull up to a traffic light and ur keeping on at it and then someone comes up next to u and they stare at u for a bit cause they r like who are these crazy people? and u don’t realise it but then one of u points it out to the others and ur all like oh my heck nooooOoo and it seems like forever until the traffic light turns green ur super embarrassed but also dying of laughter aesthetic rate water / fire / earth / wind silver / gold / rose gold / bronze merfolk / faries (well pixies but yeah) / dragons / witch or wizard stars / moon / galaxies / constellations dawn / noon / dusk / midnight natalie: fruit ciders, road trips, seeking adventure, beanies and blankets, the embodiment of the word cozy, over-sized pajama tops, tipsy giggles, secluded pieces of nature that look like pixie hollows, well worn favourite pieces of clothing, quirky doodles, tipsy giggles, the soothing warmth of the sun on your back, clowning around in public with friends (because when your with them you feel like you’re in a movie and everything is magical) compliment: w o w where do i start? natalie honestlyyyyyY ur amazing and i have said it a zillion times and i will 4eva say it over & over cause u r first off ur blog is increasingly and forever stunning honestly (i love) it’s just too damned beaut for it’s own good (so i visit it a lot)(hehe) and i just love all the effort and the unique themes and the pleasing aesthetic (and i will forever love the little emoji u have by wonderstruck)(they make me happi!!) and ur creations r OH MY heckity heckheckheck how do u hecking do it? (always makes me emit a woahhh) (sooo good) also ur always doing soemthing always interacting (how?)(it’s amazing)(i cry) and then UR personalityyyyy is honestly the bestt (i love) ur like the embodiment of soft & cozy but also with bubbly & giggly and probably the right amount of (i’m trying to think of the word - i wanna say inappropriate but not necessarily dirty just like almost morbid and cruel but not AH I CANNOT EXPLAIN)(u have the right amount of the humor i cannot explain okai ty) and basically it is my eternal dream to one day go on a road trip to a far away place and cross a bridge (u have to hold my hand cause i hate heights)(*disclaimer i would love them on a broom hence the quidditch love cause i trust that i can control it*) but we would cross this swing bridge into the fairie relm where we can live as pixies in an apartment that is super aesthetic and we make rly nice breakfast food and sometimes i shall drag u to edgy pixie punk rock concerts cause i bet u they exist and we dance away in the mosh pit Playlist for natalie:

(largely consisting of songs i love to dance around the house to)-don’t stop –> (fleetwood mac) -knee socks –> (arctic monkeys) -i guess that’s why they call it the blues –> (elton john) -rock N roll suicide –> (david bowie) -mAria –> (green day) -give me a Try –> (the wombats) -i’d do Anything for love –> (meatloaf) -mr. brightside –> (the kiLlers) -bohemIen rhapsody (duh) –> (queen) -naive –> (the kooks) E moves in her own way -dance floor anthem (i don’t wanna be in love) –> (good charlotte) -hold the line –> (toto) extras: friday i’m in love (the cure) // 1985 (bowling for soup) // year 3000 (busted) // come on eileen // (along with many other 80s songs cause i love them a lot & should make a playlist for u someday of them all)

no more please