#it Might not be a complicated song but it's just… a description of what living with mental illness is like | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

tightjeansjavi · 1 year

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Endings Create New Beginnings

Burning in a Hopeless Dream | The Prologue: Part 2 (final part)

(Joel Miller x f!reader)

A/N: I genuinely feel like this might be the most complicated piece I have written in the sense that I went out of my comfort zone a little bit. Rather focusing on dialogue, I used a lot of descriptions of what the reader is going through, what she is mourning and what Joel is feeling as she goes through this. To be completely honest with you? This is beautiful. It’s tragic in the sense that these two people have no idea just how meaningful they will soon be to one another. I feel like I have done them a justice by writing their true beginning. There are dark themes throughout this piece so please tread carefully. Please read part 1 before this piece and while this is Joel and Gwen’s story, I have written it as a readers perspective. There are no physical descriptions of the reader.

Thank you for reading ♡

~word count: 5.1k~

Summary: after losing your lover, and friends of 5 years, you find yourself running straight into Joel Miller, and his partner, Tess Servopoulos. You don't know it then, but your life is about to drastically change forever.

Warnings: dark themes, depression, mourning, suicidal thoughts, guilt of one’s death, feelings of being trapped, isolation, dark thoughts in both the reader and Joel’s mind, hinting at soulmates without directly stating it, stubbornness, banter, empathy, jealously, secret pining, feelings of denial, mistrust, anxiety, brief depiction of a knife wound, stitches, alcohol consumption, confusing thoughts, fear of the unknown, no use of y/n, no physical descriptions of the reader, (+18) minors dni!

Songs Used:

“I Wonder” by Shawn Mendes

“The Alcott” by The National and Taylor Swift

“Lift Me Up” by Rihanna

“The View Between Villages” by Noah Kahan

“Everything Has Changed” by Taylor Swift and Ed Sheeran

“My Cell” by the Lumineers

“Second Chances” by Gregory Alan Isakov

“Dear Patience” by Niall Horan

“After the Storm” by Mumford & Sons

You quickly came to the realization that Joel and Tess’s ‘empathy’ only stretched so far. You weren’t even sure if empathy was the right word to use, especially when it came to Tess. She had no issues showing her glaringly obvious distaste towards you. You really couldn’t blame her, simply for the fact that only a mere few hours ago, you had thrown your knife at Joel’s face. If you were in her shoes, you would have felt the same way that she did.

Joel and Tess didn’t take you to the QZ right away. It created a rather awkward, and tense situation given the circumstances. Your mind played tricks on you, and made you believe that maybe the pair had changed their mind. Maybe they were going to kill you after all. Joel could smell the stench of your fear from a mile away as he slowed his heavy footsteps down.

“Easy.” He spoke softly to you. “We have to wait for nightfall before we can sneak you in. There’s a set curfew that starts at 6pm, till 6a.m. Tess and I are always breakin’ the rules, and this ain’t our first rodeo. FEDRA only patrols specific blocks at a time. Our apartment isn’t far from the main entrance. So, once it’s late enough, we’ll sneak you in through the tunnel system. You won’t have to worry about runnin’ into any QZ residents either. If we do happen to be caught by FEDRA, you run, and you don’t don’t look back. Do I make myself clear?” His back was resting along a nearby tree, arms crossed over his chest. His tone may have been soft, but you averted making eye contact with him regardless.

“How long have you and Tess lived in the QZ?” you scratched the outside of your arm absentmindedly. The rain had since long passed, but your clothes were entirely soaked through. Joel could see your body trembling, shivering from where he was leaned up against the tree.

“A while. I’ll be honest, ain’t no one really keeps track of how many days, months, years have gone by. They’ve all blended together for me at this point.” He gave a small shrug of his shoulders before he gently pushed himself off the tree, taking a few steps towards you. “Hey, are you cold? Would you like my jacket?”

You took a hesitant step back when he approached you and Tess scoffed at your inability to recognize that Joel wasn’t going to kill you. He wasn’t going to harm you. She turned her nose up at the fact that you were still acting like a frightened cornered animal.

“No thank you. I’m fine. Please..don’t come any closer to me.” You whispered.

Joel let out a visible sigh as he shrugged his thick layered jacket off of his body. “You’re gonna catch a nasty fuckin’ cold shiverin’ like that. Take the jacket.” He firmly demanded as he held the coat in his outstretched hand towards you. “I won’t come any close to you, but take the damn jacket.”

You knew he was right and despite wanting to show a hint of stubbornness, and to prove that your brain hadn’t entirely been fried by trauma, you reached for his coat, grasping the material between your fingers. You briefly made eye contact with him as you slipped your arms through the sleeves. The material was warm, warmer than you had expected. The outside layer of fabric had a residual scent of whiskey, pine, and woodsmoke. A wave of nostalgia washed over you, and Joel could see the emotions swirling through your pupils, as if they were trying to tell him a story; mapped out delicately in your irises.

“Thank you.” Your tone was barely above a whisper.

“Don’t mention it.” He returned to his prior position against the evergreen, arms crossed, stern gaze falling on you.

When the sun began to set, and the sky grew into an endless black pit, with only the pale moonlight to guide you, Joel and Tess guided you to their secret entrance into the QZ. A series of underground tunnels that ran under the QZ. Smuggling routes that Joel and Tess knew by heart.

The tunnels had you feeling claustrophobic in some moments. With only Joel’s flashlight as a light source, it was easy for your heart to start racing in your ribcage. Everytime you could hear the sound of Fedra trucks driving above ground, you squeezed your eyes shut tight. You had heard hushed whispers of what the quarantine zones were really like and more than ever now, you were missing your close knit camp with your once living friends.

Tess was the first to climb out of the hole in the ground, surveying the area while Joel offered you his hand and carefully hoisted you up. The streets were quiet sans the distant shouts of FEDRA soldiers. Joel was already nudging you up the street, gun drawn at his side. You were overwhelmed with the newfound stench of the quarantine zone. A mixture of filth, soot, and ash burned your nostrils and watered your eyes. The smell of rotting flesh nearly had you gagging, feeling lightheaded. Had they lied to you? Why did they bring you here? Was the quarantine zone just disguised as a raiders commune? Joel promised he wouldn’t hurt you, he promised–

“Hey, hey. Easy now darlin.’ You’re safe. That smell? It’s..not what you think it means.” He whispered under his breath as he gently grasped your arm. “When FEDRA brings in potential new residents, they’re put through a series of screenings and tests. If you’re found to be infected..they administer a shot that puts ya to sleep. Pretty much is like euthanizing a dog, or a cat. After they put you to sleep, your body is burned in a huge pit. It’s one of the more grueling jobs in the QZ, but it pays well with ration cards.”

Tess was already a few lengths ahead of you and Joel as she impatiently waited for the two of you. “Uh, any day now would be really fuckin’ nice.” She harshly whispered through the dead of night.

“C’mon. Our apartment is just a couple blocks east. We gotta move fast though, alright?”

All you could do was nod as Joel nudged you in front of him to keep moving forward. He couldn’t see your face, but he just had a feeling that his jacket was bringing you some form of comfort similar to the way you felt earlier. You were indeed using his jacket, and the nostalgic smell it gave off to pacify your apprehension. Whether or not Joel saw you turn your face into the collar, was the least concern on your mind.

Whiskey, pine, woodsmoke. Whiskey, pine, woodsmoke. Whiskey, pine, woodsmoke.

Home. Home. Home.

Joel and Tess’s apartment was not what you were expecting it to look like. There was an odd sense of comfort that the small living area particularly gave off. Perhaps it was the dense multi-colored quilt that rested along the weathered couch. The quilt itself looked well loved, and you imagined being wrapped in it must have felt as close as a warm hug did. She gave the best fucking hugs. She’s dead now. You left her for dead. Her body is rotting away in the earth, and the insects have made their home in her flesh and here you fucking stand. You hadn’t even heard Tess shuffling around in the tiny kitchen behind you. You hadn’t detected the sound of a liquor bottle being popped open. Nor the splash of amber into a chipped crystal glass. All you could hear were her distant screams, and your ears painfully ringing in your skull.

“..Darlin?’” There was a certain edge to Joel’s voice. A low rasp that was ridden with exhaustion, and his own terrors. He wanted to tread carefully when approaching you. He wasn’t sure why he gave a damn in the first place. Why did his last shred of humanity fall upon your trembling shoulders? He could see your lower lip wobble in the faint reflection of the grime covered windows. He knew your friends were dead. Raiders had murdered them and you ran. There was more to the story. There were always more pages left unturned. Whatever words were written on your parchment, he imagined they were painful. The kind of pain that had you clutching your fist to your chest, clawing at the skin to rip your heart from its strings. The kind of pain that wrecked silent sobs through your body. Where tears were un-shed because your body had spent them all. The kind of pain that dried your soul to dust, ash between your trembling fingers. The kind of pain that would have your arms squeezing your broken body so tightly, you couldn’t breathe. Rocking yourself as a mother would rock a crying child except, no one was there to hold you. No lullabies were to be sung, no soft touches were to be felt. No one was there to tell you that the world wasn’t always this cruel. That the sun would always shine another day, warm your skin, feed your soul. That you wouldn’t feel trapped, clawing desperately to reach the surface as the current drags you further and further into darkness. Waves crashing, tumbling, jostling what is left of your withered being until you give up. Phantom shadows, enveloping you in a never ending chill. So cold. So alone. So broken. So beaten.

Joel knew the inner turmoil that you were facing as if it was the back of his hand. It was in a sense. He too knew of indescribable pain not that long ago. When his own soul was turned to dust between his fingers. When her body went cold in his arms as he clutched her to his chest. When he felt like breathing was the hardest thing to do. When his own tears were spent, deep salty caverns laid their claim on his cheekbones that used to ache from joyous laughter and smiling too hard. He knew of the pain you presently endured all too well.

His hand gently clasped over your shoulder, squeezing the worn fabric that encased your skin in warmth. “C’mon. I’ll uh–I'll show you to your room, okay?”

You shuddered from his touch, feeling your senses being knocked back into you like a wrecking ball turning concrete to rubble. You pulled away from his touch, caving in on yourself.

You felt his hand retract and fall to his side. He let out a deep sigh as he made brief eye contact with his partner that wasted no time on giving him the “I told you so” look before she downed her glass of whiskey in one harsh gulp, slamming the glass down on the counter with a crashing thud.

The sudden sound sent your body jolting as you followed Joel’s heavy footsteps down the narrow hallway. He pushed the door at the end of the hall open, standing off to the side. “It ain’t much, but you got a bed to sleep on and a decent blanket to keep warm. I’ll have to convince Tess to lend you some of her clothes. I imagine you ain’t got much in that bag of yours. Anyway, you should get some rest. You’re safe now.” His arms were crossed over his chest as he leaned against the peeling wallpaper.

“Thank you.” Was all you could muster out as you stepped into your new living space. Joel was right. It wasn't much, but it was more than you had in years.

“You’re welcome.” He softly pulled the door shut to give you the privacy that you didn’t realize you were desperately seeking. You listened to the heavy creaks of the floorboards beneath his boots disappear. You stood there for what felt like hours before you slowly sunk down onto the old mattress. You didn’t move. You didn’t cry. You didn’t sleep. You sat there all night long staring into the void as your mind ran excruciating circles. Head rocking like a pendulum with no end in sight. Eyes glazed, lifeless, dull, ghostly. As if all the wondrous color had been sucked from your soul. The world through your eyes now was dark, dismal, tenebrous. A swirling black pit oozing with sorrow. Dripping in overflowing guilt. Like toxic sludge bubbling and bursting through the cracked crevices in the fragments of your vanquished heart.

It's all my fault.

I did this.

I caused this.

She’s dead.

They’re dead.

Here I am, surrounded by darkness in an undeserved warm bed.

Wishing I was dead too.

Two broken heartstrings, bleeding the sad sad blues. Separated by thin walls, peeling wallpaper, creaky floorboards. Two shattered souls; unbeknownst on how devoted they would soon grow for one another. Silent sobs, nightmares, darkness consumed. Struggled breaths, dealt the same cards; fortunes foretold, they have met before.

You mourned the loss of your lover and friends for what felt like endless years. In reality, it was two weeks of you isolating yourself in your room. Two weeks of numbing yourself to the pain where all that was left was the outer shell of who you used to be. Where was she now? You had yourself convinced that part of your soul died along with the ones that you loved. Maybe it had, and maybe that part of you was never going to reach the surface again.

You soon learned that Joel Miller was a persistent man. He respected your privacy, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t go out of his way to make sure that you hadn’t offed yourself in those two long weeks. He would leave food outside your door in hopes that you wouldn’t let yourself wither away entirely. Each morning, he’d find the wrapped jerky, and long since stale biscuits untouched.

On the nights where Joel was unable to relax into sleep, he’d quietly, and carefully untangle his limbs from Tess’s before leaving their shared room. He’d find himself seated against your door, back aching at the uncomfortable angle he was in. For whatever reason he was feeling desperate to know anything, and everything he could about you. Your name, where you were from, did the sorrows and grief of your past haunt your dreamless nights just as his did?

“Can you just fuckin’ let me know you’re alive behind this door? ‘Cus I’m sitting here with an achy back for whatever goddamn reason so the least you can do is let me know you’re alive. Would greatly appreciate it.”

He was met with no answer from the other side of the door.

“Can you tell me your name, darlin?’” You heard his whisper through the thin door that separated him from you. Maybe he needed to take a softer approach, despite the fact that Joel Miller was anything but soft.

“I can’t tell you my name.” You spoke soullessly through the impending darkness that surrounded you.

So you weren’t dead behind the door, thank god. He thought to himself.

“Why can’t you tell me your name?” He pressed you further.

A pregnant pause, seconds ticking by as he awaited your answer. The floorboards creaked beneath your feet as you slowly rose from the crumpled sheets, and padded quietly to the door. You sunk down, back against the thin wood right where he was resting on the other side.

“Because everything that’s mine is a landmine Joel. Every single fucking person that knows my name is dead. Every. Single. One. They’re all dead. You’re better off not knowing my name or who I am, or where I came from. Knowing someone’s name is personal. It becomes a personal interaction and I don’t want that to happen. I don’t want anything to do with that.” You pulled your knees up to your chest, resting your chin against them with a heavy sigh.

“Now listen, I ain’t into all that superstitious crap. So you’re tellin’ me that you think everyone who knows your name is like fuckin’ doomed or somethin?’ That’s the most ridiculous thing I have ever fuckin’ heard darlin.’” I ain’t gonna die if you tell me your name.” He fought the urge to scoff but you could feel his demeanor through the door.

“Well, fine. What about you? What’s your story?..Joel…?” You paused, realizing you only knew his first name.

“Miller. Last name is Miller, and wouldn’t ya like to know, darlin.’” He was smirking to himself as he crossed his arms over his chest taking in a deep inhale before exhaling.

“Well, yeah. That’s why I asked.”

“Yeah? Well, I’m not tellin’ you anythin’ ‘bout myself till you tell me your name.” He stated as a-matter-of-factly.

“Oh? Well, guess that just means you’re gonna be sitting there for an awful long fucking time, Joel Miller from Texas.”

“How the hell did you know I was from Texas? Is my accent really that thick?” His eyes were open now as he gently rested the back of his head against the door.

“Yeah. It’s a pretty obvious southern accent. Hard to miss it.”

“Fair enough. How about this, can you give me the first letter of your name?” He was still on the topic of your name? For fuck sakes, did this man ever give up?

“No.” Was your immediate response.

“C’mon. Just the first letter, and then I promise I won’t ask ya again. Deal?”

You rubbed your fingers against your temples taking a deep breath when you realized that Joel was absolutely persistent in the most insufferable way possible. You mumbled out the first letter of your name begrudgingly.

“Was that so hard to tell me?”

“Yeah, it was. Now can you please fucking drop it? I don’t want to tell you my name, and I’d really would just appreciate the fact if you would just fucking accept that, alright? Thanks.”

Joel could sense your frustration through the door as his nails picked at the skin around his cuticles till they would tear and bleed. The light sting of his skin being split open was one that was familiar and oddly soothing. “Alright, darlin.’ I won’t pry any further. You have my word.”

A few minutes of silence had passed between the two of you. The floorboards creaked beneath his weight as he turned his body, resting his cheek along the splintered wood with a heavy sigh. It was frustrating to him that he couldn’t quite figure out why he was so immediately drawn to you. That he was causing his back to ache even more and for what? Just so he knew that you were alive? Why the hell did he care so much?

This became a routine for the two of you on the nights that sleep would not come. Sometimes you’d sit in complete silence and other times Joel would press for you to talk about anything. He wanted to get to know you, in whatever way you would allow him too. It was a challenging task and you proved to be tougher than he thought.

You never wanted to admit it, but Joel Miller wasn’t the most awful company to have in the odd hours of the morning.

It took just about a month for you to find your footing. Your body physically could not handle mourning what was no longer physically there in your grasp. Your brain was constantly in survival mode. Even now when you clearly were safer than you had ever been before, your brain hardly let you rest. Joel was not lying when he said that the most grueling jobs in the QZ paid handsomely in ration cards. You took every shitty job you could get your hands on. It was a good distraction from the constant thoughts racing through your mind. It was tricky, but somehow you had avoided working any jobs with your new “roommates.”

Despite your efforts to remain neutral with Tess, you still managed to evoke the woman in showing a deep distaste for you. She was far more intimidating than Joel was. It was obvious who was the brains of their operation, but you were also aware that Tess packed a lethal bite. It was only a short time ago that she threatened to gouge your eyes from your skull.

Some weeks you wouldn’t see Joel or Tess for days at a time. Not that it really bothered you because having the apartment to yourself had its perks. The biggest one being you didn’t feel like you had daggers trained on the back of your head. The downfall was that you were alone with your thoughts..and they weren’t going away.

“You enjoyin’ those late night chats with our new house guest?” Tess bitterly asked as Joel was patching up her arm alongside a crumbling alley outside the QZ. They had just traded a couple guns for some pills when 2 outsiders ambushed. Joel of course made both thugs regret that they had ever been born, but Tess had a fairly large gash along her forearm from a switchblade. Luckily for her it wasn’t muscle deep, but she’d still need stitches.

“What’re talkin’ about Tess?” Joel met her burning gaze as he dabbed away the blood. There was a stray sweaty curl blurring his vision and he paused his movements when she gently brushed it away.

“You don’t know what I’m talkin’ about? Bullshit, Joel. The walls are paper fuckin’ thin. Look, don’t you think she’s more than capable of bein’ off on her own? I agreed that we not kill her, but for fuck sakes. I don’t like the fact that she’s livin’ with us.” Tess didn’t want to admit outloud, but the main reason for her distaste towards you was because she viewed you as a threat. To what exactly? Well, it wouldn’t take a rocket science to figure out that Tess Servopolous was finding herself growing jealous anytime Joel diverted his attention from her, onto you. She knew it was silly, and a little embarrassing at the core, but Joel was hers. She was his, and she’d be damned if anyone got between that.

“Do’ya hear yourself right now? Look, you wanna be mad at me because I just wanted to make sure she didn’t off herself during those two weeks? Fine. Go ahead and be upset with me. I know it ain’t like me to take in strays and bring ‘em home. You and I both know that if we left her in those woods, she would have died. Hell, if Tommy were here? He probably would have killed her as soon as she threw her knife at my face. Do ya remember when he and I found you? Alone, and afraid? It wasn’t that fuckin’ long ago that you were a shell of yourself too, Tess. Tommy and I took ya in. We could have killed you, we could have left you for dead but we didn’t. Not long after you told me what happened to your husband and son. You told me about your loss, and the sacrifices you made to stay alive. I get it, you don’t like her for your own reasons, but you ain’t all that different from each other.” He concluded as he finished stitching up her wound, wrapping it firmly in some cloth before he grasped her hand and helped her up from the rocky ground.

“Fine. All i’m gonna say is that she’s gotta start pullin’ her own weight ‘round here too. You’re the one who said she might be useful to us. So, lets get some good use out of her. Today was a perfect example as to why this operation ran much smoother with three people.”

“Don’t worry. She’ll be goin’ on runs with us soon enough.” Joel zipped up his backpack and slung it over his shoulder along with his rifle. “Let's go home.”

It was springtime now. The air was warmer, there were birds outside the window that could be heard. The sun shone brighter. Despite all of this, you still felt trapped. Trapped in this apartment, trapped in your thoughts, trapped in a droning routine that was draining you day by day. You were desperate to get out. To let your lungs breathe the fresh forest air once more. Your wish was manifesting faster than you thought it would. Joel and Tess were meeting up with their two unlikely friends, Bill and Frank. Tess was against the idea at first, but you learned that Joel could be incredibly convincing when he wanted to be. That’s how you ended up outside the QZ walls after months. Joel would never say it outloud but he wanted to give you a taste of normalcy after everything you had been through. He wasn’t expecting you to thank him or anything. You owed him your life, this was true. However, he’d never ask you to repay him. He only hoped that perhaps you and him could become friends. If friends was even the right word for the journey you and him would find yourselves enduring together.

Frank adored you the moment he laid eyes on you. You believed that people had many different soulmates in their lifetime. Frank had to be your platonic soulmate in every sense. The older man was like a breath of fresh air in your lungs. His hugs reminded you of home, and his eyes were welcoming and kind. He doted you as his “little bird” when you explained why you couldn’t tell him your name. Soon enough you were being whisked into his world of art, music, books, and the simple pleasures in life that you weren’t sure if you’d ever have the privilege of experiencing again.

He showed childlike excitement when you gushed over his artistic abilities. He had all different sizes of canvases in his art room. Many of which were paintings of his polar opposite lover. He also loved to paint nature, flowers, and his favorite plants. The colors were warm, vibrant, and full of life.

“One day I'll paint a portrait of you in the wildflowers out back, how does that sound to you little bird?” His warm arm was wrapped loosely around your shoulder, a warm smile gracing his gentle features.

You were almost certain that you had met Frank in a past life. You felt as if you had known this man forever, and now you were catching up over coffee, and spilling secrets of your shared pasts. You adored him just as much as he adored you. “Wait, there’s wildflowers out back? A whole field of them?” You looked up at the older man with a bright full of life smile. You couldn’t remember the last time you had smiled this hard.

“Yes! An entire field of them. They’re all in full bloom. Would you like me to show you?” He offered you his elbow like the true gentleman he was.

You nodded enthusiastically, grasping his elbow gently as he led you out into the backyard. Your eyes watered when you gazed upon an entire field of different species of wildflowers that sprouted up between the tall thick wild grasses. Asters were your favorite, as Frank came to learn. They were all beautiful of course. Butterflies danced around your head like a fluttering halo. Their delicate wings were different hues of purple as you carefully plucked the flowers into a homemade bouquet.

Joel had been watching from afar. His arms were crossed over his chest, broad muscles bulging through the worn fabric of his flannel. He was half paying attention to the conversation Tess and Bill were having as he was too distracted by you. There was something so surreal to him, seeing you relaxed, and in your element. Could flowers truly bring one person that much pure joy? What was so special about these particular flowers? Did they remind you of home? Were they your favorite? Or did you simply just think they were pretty? Joel wondered as his jaw clenched tightly. Why were you able to find happiness in the littlest of things, and yet he couldn’t. He wondered what it would be like to see the world through your eyes at that moment. A world full of color and life. A world that wasn’t black and white.

Joel Miller wondered, and it terrified him.

He wondered if he was always being real. He wondered if he always spoke his truth, or does he filter how he feels? He wonders why he is so afraid of saying something wrong, when he never claimed to be a saint. He wondered why on the loneliest nights when he would cry into his hands, it conditioned him to feel like he was less than a man.

He wondered—

And then you met his gaze. Eyes sparkling under the warm rays of the sun. A soft smile gracing your lips. A smile different from the one you portrayed around Frank. No, this was a smile that would make any man weak in the knees. A smile that would send a man to his early grave if he never got the privilege to see it again. A smile that would now rot Joel Miller's brain to mush for the rest of the day. A smile that he felt like only he was supposed to see. A smile that had him wonder if one day you’d be by his side and promise him that the world would end up alright.

Your smile hit him like a freight train colliding with his body over, and over again.

It was true, Joel could not stop thinking of the way you smiled at him earlier in the day. He thought about it at the dinner table where he was sitting across from you. He thought about it when he found you and Frank seated side by side at the piano, giggling like two drunk fools after a few too many glasses of wine. Heads leaning against one another like old friends.

He thought about it during the odd hours of the night while Tess was asleep at his side. He stared up at the ceiling, picturing what it would possibly be like to be loved by you. Your smile was etched into his brain like a fucking tattoo. He blinked, and it wouldn’t go away. His thoughts were flooded with you.

darlin’, if my memories of you were ever stolen from my mind, my only hope is that you’d forever haunt my dreams, as someone I used to know; who is now a phantom of my past unknown.

Fin

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fuck-you-upmusicbracket · 4 months

Text

Sweet Hibiscus Tea (Penelope Scott)

Here’s the thing I can’t do anything right/Try as I absolutely totally might/The bones are melting, the skeleton is ash/The clavicle detaches and falls with a deafening crash/And I'm not your protagonist/I'm not even my own I don’t know anything/I don’t even know what I don’t know

"It like just gives emotions and it’s very much relatable and very much describes bad thoughts well"

Pale Green Things (The Mountain Goats)

You parked behind the paddock/Cracking asphalt underfoot/Coming up through the cracks/Pale green things/Pale green things

"The culmination of an album about songwriter John Darnielle's traumatic adolescence, "Pale Green Things" describes one of the few happy memories he has of his abusive stepfather and then, years later, his reaction to his stepfather's death, when he thinks back on that same memory. While previous songs on the album that touched on his stepfather's abuse were overtly angry or defiant, "Pale Green Things" is subdued and contemplative. It leaves a lot of things unsaid, instead allowing the narrator's feelings to be implied through his descriptions of the two scenes. There is no direct depiction of abuse, instead focusing on a moment of tentative hope and peace, a moment made simultaneously more painful and more precious by the revelation that it was a rare and temporary reprieve. The focus of "Pale Green Things" is not the pain caused directly by instances of abuse, but rather the absence of a positive relationship, and the complicated feelings that come from the glimpses of what that better relationship could have been like. Although finally free of his abuser, the narrator will continue to live with the pain his abuser caused him. But, he isn't trapped in that pain anymore, and he can also remember the good times they spent together, however rare and fleeting they were. The titular "pale green things" can only grow in the cracks of the asphalt parking lot, but their presence proves that the asphalt couldn't kill them all completely. As someone who has a complex and sometimes painful relationship with their own parents, "Pale Green Things" hits hard. I think for anyone who's been in a similar situation, of trying to sort through their feelings toward someone who hurt them badly but wasn't "all bad", it's a very powerful song. Even without knowing the context of the rest of the album, or of how the song related to the songwriter's real life, listening to it for the first time felt like getting hit by a truck. 10/10"

#fuck you up bracket #tournament #polls #penelope scott #the mountain goats

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rating-bears · 4 months

Note

The country bear jamboree claims, and I quote, "Us bears we do love fishing, every hour if we could." But I MUST ask: do all bear types in the jamboree have a mainly fish diet? Would their methods to catch fish be best described as fishing? Would they truly spend so many hours on it without stopping to sing some delightful American tunes??? These are all highly important questions to me.

alright everypony buckle up

my first challenge in answering these questions is to figure out what species the country bears are, which is harder than it may seem. we have a couple clues, but mostly circumstantial evidence.

firstly, based on the fact that they are American and the general shape and character design of the models, we can conclude that they are either brown bears or black bears, or a mix of the two. but thats the easy part to figure out, it gets more complicated from here.

you might jump to say theyre brown bears because of the color of their fur, but that is Not how it works. the shade of a bears fur is determined by a number of environmental factors, not just their species. brown and black bears can have fur colored in any range from blonde to black and anything inbetween.

Next we move on to consider geography. The NUMBER ONE easiest way to figure out if you are facing a black bear or a brown bear is to simply remember where you are in the continental us.

This map isnt super accurate, but it does give the general idea of the range.

Brown bears tend to live farther north, and more on the west side, while black bears can be found just about anywhere there are mountains.

Now if we want to stereotype, and say they country bears are meant to fulfill Appalachian stereotypes, then the answer is pretty apparent, they are black bears that just have a lighter coloration.

And for the most part, I am happy with this answer. As far as i can tell there is no officials species, and as they are drawn in a more humanized way its hard to tell if they have species specific physical characteristics. Black bears are typically smaller and sleeker than brown bears, and although most of the country bears appear fluffy, that could just be considered part of their hair and makeup for their show.

HOWEVER, there are a few that i believe are brown bears, or meant to be brown bears. for example: Gomer. He is a brown bear. you can see in his character art and to a lesser extent his animatronic model, a noticeable hump in between his shoulder blades. this is a KEY indicator of being a brown bear. Ernest is also a brown bear, not because i have any specific reason, but because they call him that in his character description. Trixie is also described as a brown bear in a similar manner.

NOW ON TO THE FISH QUESTION!

Black bears and brown bears Do both eat fish, but where fish ranks in the hierarchy of their diet is different. Brown bears tend to be very avid fisher, with most of their diet consisting of fish. Black bears can and will fish, but due to their more spread out habitats will generally eat whatever is around.

Now, if you choose to believe that ALL of the country bears are brown bears ( well within your right) then that answers the question pretty cleanly! they fish and they eat fish and they are bears! butttttt if you buy into the black bear category then you get a more fun explanation. if the country bears are black bears then fishing can be more of a recreation hobby for them than their main way of collecting food! its something they seek out and do for fun! i think either explanation works here personally.

I would say heir methods to catch fish would be best described as fishing, its just a bit different from how we fish on account of they are bears and all!!

And i think they absolutely spend their fishin time singin good ole country bear songs!! thats half the fun! spendin time on the water, fishin up dinner, workshopping new songs, itd be a great way to bond, try out new melodies, and generally seems like the perfect way for a bear in showbizz to spend their days off!!!!

#bear blogging #bears #i love bears #bear #bear rating #thank you for the bear!#country bears #country bear jamboree #long post

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oldguy56-world · 3 months

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The Lazy Song

Do not confuse this with last year's 'Down by the Lazy River'. While they might share a general theme (just how lazy people are) the first one was about marijuana delivery to your home. This one is about capitalism, or how I can make money off of just how lazy people have become.

This one started with a TV commercial. Did you know that people living in homes and have their own washer/dryer combos, are now using an app to call in a service for people to do your laundry for you? I kid you not. I recognize doing laundry is a complicated process with the whole separating of the whites from the colors (not as racist as it sounds in my head) and then having to put the washed clothes into a dryer. It must be a real brain buster for some people.

This got me thinking: 'What .com business can I start up to make some money on the younger generation's aversion to doing anything in the way of manual labor around the house?'

There is already fast food delivery (don't get me started again on that one) groceries (which is good for the elderly and disabled) booze and weed so there doesn't seem to be much else out there to make a buck off of. Or is there? I have a few ideas that I recently had copy rights secured on just in case one of you jumps the gun and tries to get to market before I do. My brain still works but sometimes my body doesn't cooperate so much anymore.

'Squabbles' . Put this app on your phone and then the next time your spouse is in a feisty mood and wants to argue with you press a button and within minutes a person shows up to fight with her. (oops, or him) You can then get back to watching TV while they hash it out for hours in the next room. Next level will be that you both have the app, you are both in a mood, and you bring in two people to fight while you go to a movie.

'BMW'. Not the car as you might think. This one stands for bowel movement wiper. What is lazier than not wanting to wipe your own butt? Bring in a professional and prevent those nasty stains in your gitch.

'Guests'. Do you want to have people over but your friends are too lazy to make the drive? Bring in some substitutes. The beauty here is that you can get them to leave whenever you want. They can also go to parties you do not feel like going to because you want to watch the big game live. Send someone in your place and have them take notes. They also provide Tupperware so they can bring you leftovers making sure you don't miss out.

"Steps'. Not the app you are accustomed to. It doesn't count your steps. Your spouse wants to go for a walk in the woods on a fine summer day but you don't want to? Someone will come to your place to walk with them. Also can be used for shopping buddies. You just have to designate whether or not it will involve carrying pkgs.

'Bath Buddy.' Need a description? They will scrub those hard to get at places for you. All you have to do is lie there (or stand there with the companion app Shower Buddy) and let them do all the work.

There are probably more but this is enough to make me rich beyond my wildest dreams. Maybe an app that gets people to help spend my money, although there are scammers out there just waiting to do this.

THOUGHT OF THE WEEK: Convenience is nice but there is a joy in doing things for yourself that just can't be beat.

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blueorangeredpurplegreen · 1 year

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Are You Gonna Blame Me If I Just Give Up?

Based off of this song and this concept/au! Cannon and I are going through quite a bitter divorce and I have won custody of Future Raph and Donnie.

AO3 link in reblogs

TW - Blood, Descriptions of wounds, Implied Death and Implied Death of family.

Donnie is not the team medic.

Even this far into the apocalypse, when even Raph can set a wound and assist Leo in the less complicated surgeries, Donnie's medicinal skills are more-

First aid, per se.

More towards getting a splint, or bandaging a wound and waiting for help from someone with more skill. It's not that he doesn't want to help more, but his skills lie more in the after care of amputations and broken bones.

And it's been drilled into him enough times that he should never try to move someone seriously injured. The last time he did that, Leo lost his arm.

Didn't even let him make a custom prosthetic, the dum dum. Using Raph's old one- what a joke.

Still, when he follows April's weakening life signal across the battle field, Raph in tow close behind, he isn't fully ready for what he sees.

April lies on the ground, a line of rusty rebar sticking out of her shoulder.

He knows the rules of first aid. He's been drilled in what to do in a situation like this since-

Since Barry. Since Cass. Since Dad.

Rule One - Don't remove the object.

He can do that. April groans, giving him and Raph a bloodied smile.

Rule Two - Don't help if it is dangerous to do so.

That's the actual rule one, in second thoughts. How could he get them missed up? Don't help if its dangerous is the only rules that applies to all first aid senarios.

Okay, start again.

Rule One - Don't help if it is dangerous to do so.

They live in the apocalypse, but Leo, Mikey and Casey have them covered, fighting like bats straight out of hell.

Rule Two - Don't remove the object.

He won't, even as April shudders with cold. He knows how dangerous removing the rebar would be, April would be gone within seconds.

Rule Three - Cut any clothing from around the wound.

"Sorry, 'Pril" Donnie mumbles, a knife extracting itself from his battle shell. April pales slightly, but if its from the sight of the knife approaching or the massive blood loss, Donnie doesn't want to know.

The jacket sleave falls off easily, and the shift follows quickly in suit.

Rule Four - If the wound is bleeding, apply clean gauze around the wound and apply pressure to control the bleeding.

More arms leave his battle shell, preparing to do the task. Distantly, he can hear Raph fight off the kraang hounds. He's not that far away, but damn it sounds like he's miles away.

Leo's the only reason the bandages are sterile. He always insists on it, that they must boil the bandages for hours on end. Donnie never quiet cared for it, by ten minutes they looked clean enough, but Leo insisted.

As he watches the off white bandages soak up red, he finally gets it.

"Donnie, April's stats!" Raph yells, far closer than Donnie expected him to be.

"On the mend, but Leo needs to hurry up because neither of us are good enough at surgery to do this here!"

"Don-" April's voice is quiet, shuddering. "Behind you."

"DONNIE!" Raph screams, running towards him.

Raph hasn't screamed like that for years, not since Cass handed him Casey and her mask, running towards certain death.

Oh.

It's his time, isn't it? Going out, trying to save April. She might even manage to survive this, if he shields her from the lazer just right. He can live with that being his death.

And isn't that an ironic statement, that he could live with his death?

Then Raph tackles him and April out of the way, and April's scream cuts through the air.

Then silence hangs between the three of them. Raph and Donnie quickly scan each other for any injuries out of the ordinary, and Raph glares at him for a split second, before turning his focus onto April.

Donnie might have escaped this particular lecture. Maybe.

"Hey, April. How are you holding out?" Raph asks.

"Oh yeah, living the dream, right boys?" April laughs bitterly under her breath. "Look, you have to know-"

"We're not doing this, April." Donnie snaps. "You're not dying."

"I've lost a lot of blood." April's lips are turning blue.

"You're going into shock. Raph, what do we do?" Donnie isn't desperate. April will be fine, she's come back from-

Well, not from worse, but she's come back from similar.

Surely that's enough?

"We take her back to the base." Raph says, his eyes watering. "Leo, Mikey and Casey will catch up. Usagi is just as good at patching people up, and I'm sure April will be just fine."

Ah, so they're all delusional. That's good to know. Maybe he will ask Leo to check them all over for head injuries when he gets back to base.

Donnie quickly falls in step behind Raph, his tech bo ready in his hands.

Donnie pulls his goggles over his eyes, determined to monitor his family's health signatures until they're all safely within reach. He'll even let Raph and Mikey pull him into a turtle pile.

Mikey, Leo and Casey's icons blink, slowly getting further and further away from them.

Then Mikey's blinks once, and doesn't come back on.

Then Casey follows suit.

Then Leo.

Raph pulls Donnie into the base. People swirl around them, loudly talking and shouting. He needs them to shut up. Usagi and Raph take April into the med bay, and Sunita and Hueso start to order people away from him. He needs them to shut up. The room quickly disperces, but the screaming doesn't cease. Who is screaming? They have no right to scream, not when Leo and Mikey and Casey are gone. They're gone, gone gone gone gone gone gone and not coming back and this asshole just keeps screaming and they need to SHUT THE FUCK UP-

And Raph bursts into the room, pulling Donnie into his chest and the screaming stops and-

Oh.

It was Donnie screaming.

#rottmnt #rottmnt angst #rottmnt fic #rottmnt future donatello #rottmnt future au #rottmnt future april #rottmnt future raph #rottmnt donnie #rottmnt raph #rottmnt movie #angst #cross posted on ao3 #ask to tag #are you gonna blame me if i just give up #aygbme

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gouinisme · 8 months

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hello, mechanisms enjoyer. who is your favourite mechanism. what is your favourite album. what is your favourite song. what is your favourite photo. do you have a favourite live recording/have you been to a live show.

hi mechanisms enjoyer :3 i still consider myself very new to this fandom and haven't listened to/read everything so my opinions are far from set in stone :]

very hard to pick a favourite bastard but i love marius and ashes so much!!! the gender!!! the arson the medical malpractice!!!!! i am also deeply in lesbians with raph and nastya </3. (i also wanna say dbb but at this rate i'm just gonna name every member (⁠๑⁠•⁠﹏⁠•⁠))

at first hnoc was my fave album but i've grown more and more obsessed with the bifrost incident. it's just. i love it. blood powered eldritch space train my beloved <3. big w for horror lesbians in stem. big w for lesbians who are enemies of the state. we've nothing but our shackles but our chains are weapons too. i also love lyf so fucking much. and the absolute gender of tim as our favourite revolutionary science dyke <3 (wait nvm this description also works for nastya). anyways fucking marvelous album i love it

my favourite song might be losing track (the void sings!!! it fucking sings!!! if it's the last thing i do then it's worth it!!!! i see a new world and i must unearth it!!!) but i've been listening to empty trail on repeat for most of he past few days. ms la cognizi i need your beautiful voice injected directed into my veins. raphaella (⁠♡⁠ω⁠♡⁠ ⁠)⁠ ⁠~⁠♪

this photo is very really good war and hate on planet whatever <3. also if i'm being honest my actual favourite photos are the ones of ashes and jonny smoking together. i just think they're neat.

my fave live recording is probably dttm. it's tbi with extra shenanigans what's better than that. also udad but spcifically the version with tim calling jonny an idiot at the end. unfortunately i got into this band a whole 3 (?) years too late to ever go to a live show. and also in a different country which complicates things

thx for the ask and sorry for my inability to just pick one answer :3c

#pride-dragon42 #fada.ask #as a lesbian who's studying to be an engineer #i can only dream to have half the swag nastya and loki have #and to date a spaceship. and/or the highest ranking member of the resistance

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themightyaliendwarf · 1 year

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I finished Steins;Gate 0 VN and I have some thoughts

So, I watched Steins;Gate 0 a few weeks after finishing the original anime and I didn’t like it. The story felt disjointed, many plot points seemed rushed or pointless and I had issues understanding how we got in places we ended up in. It has been a couple of years now, so it seemed fair to give it another chance hoping that the visual novel is better.

Overall, my feelings are complicated because I still have many complaints about the story, characters and endings. But when SG 0 got good, it got really good. I strongly believe the reason behind my problems is the structure of this game. I’ve seen somebody describe it as a Frankenstein’s monster and, yeah, that’s an accurate description.

I'm going to spoil a lot, so you have been warned.

So, SG 0 structure is a bit odd and its graph (taken from the wiki) looks like this

Here is the order in which I’ve played the game:

Gehenna’s Stigma -> Twin Automata -> Recursive Mother Goose -> Promised Rinascimento -> Vega and Altair -> Milky-way Crossing

I'm going to sprinkle some of my favourite CGs in this post for your enjoyment.

Positive thoughts

I loved Daru in this game. I recalled his relationship with Suzuha being weird and uncomfortable to watch, but it was fairly sweet here. Yeah, there have been some cringy moments, but that was the minority. Also, even outside of that, he was great. His relationship with Yuki? Really sweet. Conspiring with Maho? Great. That moment when he punches Okabe in the face? One of my favourites in the whole game!

Maho no longer felt like a Kurisu replacement. They allowed her different personality to shine and made the best of it. The majority of her screen time was a pure joy to experience. And what was the best part of all of that? Her friendship with Moeka in Twin Automata. It was just *chef's kiss* so good! So good in fact that I consider not having this friendship blossom in other endings as a huge disadvantage.

The music was, dare I say it, better than in the original? Yeah, Gate of Steiner and Remember Me are iconic, but Messenger, A Song Played by the Stars and Re-awake are just so good. Also, I enjoyed ambience music a bit more.

In my mind, the main theme of the original Steins;Gate is loneliness. With Steins;Gate 0 introducing AI to the story, I find it fitting that the focus of the story was on the subject of identity and personal worth. A theme that was beautifully shown in Twin Automata (I think you might already know which ending is my favourite).

I can't judge how realistic Okabe's anxiety attacks were, but they felt real to me. Of course, his VA is phenomenal, but the script also deserves a praise here. It was painful to see him struggle with his trauma and easily triggered flashbacks.

While on the topic, the voice acting was great. Granted, with a cast like this that shouldn't be a surprise, but it's still worth to mention it.

I'm not going to elaborate on this point. Just this moment:

Mayuri is always a beacon of positivist and an absolute joy to watch. We all need a Mayushii in our lives.

The climax of Twin Automata, Gehenna's Stigma and Promised Rinascimento are all great. That moment when Leskinen traps Okabe in GS and Okabe realises, he can't die for the next ~15 years? Chilling.

"Holy cow! So I said we should come soon" - name a more iconic line in VN. I will wait, you won't find any.

Negative thoughts

Kagari. I don't like her, I don't need her, she should go away. She is boring at best and annoying at worst. Her story is silly in Promised Rinascimento and in Vega and Altair it's just bad. How?

She has a plastic surgery to look like Yuki. Ok, how did she manage to make herself to look so accurate to the original, that she fooled Suzuha? Alright, they know about the current whereabouts of the original, so that's how they manage to "copy" her. But in that case, I want to know more about this subplot.

We know that this Kagari and Yuki share a room in the future. That's real awkward, not gonna lie.

How does she survive Vega and Altair since she died before Okabe time leapt? Is it because Suzuha and Mayuri made a successful jump to the past? But if that's so, shouldn't the worldline change and therefore Okabe notice it? Actually, why doesn't he notice when the worldline changes due to Suzuha and Mayuri making a decision? I don't think this type of shifting was properly introduced before.

If we have this Kagari in the future, what happens with the child Kagari? If Mayuri goes back to 2025 and still chooses to adopt her, wouldn't that cause massive issues? Yes, that shouldn't happen because shift will occur before, but it does bother me a lot.

Similarly, Fubuki and Kaede can go away. They contributed close to nothing and I don't need them here.

I was hoping for more development for Luka and Faris. On the other hand, I think that Kurisu card should be used a bit less. Let us truly feel we miss her.

In the original, everything happens because of our protagonists. They make the PhoneWave, they choose to experiment and then they need to suffer consequences. Here they (especially Okabe) are mostly passive and just allow stuff to happen. This causes problems because worldline changes many times in 0 and we don't really know how and why it happens. Sure, it is connected to Amadeus (usually), but I'm lacking an explanation. It just kinda happens. I disliked not knowing the reason behind each change. Sure, in the original the reason isn’t always perfect (like how they change Luka’s sex), but at least I know the source. Again, not an issue in itself, but I regret we didn’t get more answers.

The first chapters were really difficult to get through. With no goal in mind, Okabe no longer being charismatic enough to carry the story and not really having a plot, it’s difficult to call this experience enjoyable.

Pacing was all over the place. Steins;Gate 0 consists of 14 chapters (including Prologue and True End). The minimum number of chapters you need to play to reach an ending is 5 (Gehenna’s Stigma and Twin Automata) and the longest single route takes 7 (Milky-way Crossing). Because of that, I often felt like the story either didn’t have or had too many climaxes. Apart from that, it was disappointing to find out that some of my favourite moments aren’t technically canon. Well, to be fair, you could even argue that in the grand scheme of things, nothing that happens in beta was real because the world shifts to Steins Gate, but you know what I mean.

I didn’t like the push for romance for Okabe. First of all, because it felt disrespectful towards him. Here we have a broken, depressed man who needs a lot of therapy. Playing romantic tension for laughs, while we are dealing with a man who killed a person he loved, seems very icky for me. And implying that Maho might develop feelings for him just felt so unhealthy, because she would literally become a replacement. Kinda like in Harry Potter where one of the Weasley twins dies and then his girlfriend marries the surviving brother - that’s just messed up. Look, I love both of them, but they need therapy, not romance.

Minor nitpick, so, they updated character sprites for 0, but, of some reason, in Summer Mayuri and Faris have their old sprites. Similarly, Kurisu has her old sprite in Okabe's memories and while we quickly jump to alpha, while she has new new sprite as Amadeus and in Maho's memories. Why? Who did this? Also, nobody except for Kagari and Suzuha get a sprite in the future. They robbed us! Also, also, I find it kinda funny that Okabe notices himself having partially grey hair, but he doesn't have them on CGs.

True Ending is a joke. It's short and anticlimactic. Yes, it would feel cheap if they just gave us the original VN ending to play, but I would prefer if they added it.

Conclusion

So, I did write more negative points, but I can't say I had a bad time. I enjoyed playing the game... for the most part! Look, I'm not going to pretend that the original SG had no issues. It had, but I think 0 lows were too low for me. But, hey! At least I would say it had different problems, so... progress?

While I do appreciate that the structure of 0 allowed us to experience more perspectives and stories (also, I enjoyed that the path to Steins;Gate requires many futures), I ultimately think it was also its biggest flaw. I might one day consider what kind of rewrites I would implement.

As a side note, I think I might write a separate post on the depiction of AI in SG 0 because it is something I was working on during my bachelor's and master's thesis, therefore I have thoughts.

#steins gate #steins;gate #steins;gate 0 #visual novel #long post

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branwendaughterofllyr · 2 years

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Branwen reads ASOIAF (again) - AGOT Prologue

I love the prologue of AGOT. It’s probably my favorite opening to any of the books, it is such excellent atmospheric horror writing. I get chills every time I read it, it’s that good. It should probably come as no surprise that the Wall plotline is my favourite, and the prologue really sets the stage for it so well.

Three rangers of the Night Watch out are out beyond the Wall, and they are in trouble. The wildlings they have been tracking are all dead, and that's never a positive. Will, our POV character, is listening to fellow brother Gared argue with Ser Waymar Royce, who’s in charge of this ranging despite not having been at the Wall all that long.

Gared is making some excellent points; mainly that they should all turn around and go home. I like Gared.

But Waymar is having none of this. And now, poor Will is getting dragged into the conversation.

“My mother told me that dead men sing no songs,” he put in. “My wet nurse said the same thing, Will,” Royce replied. “Never believe anything you hear at a woman’s tit. There are things to be learned even from the dead.”

This entire chapter is 90% foreshadowing and 10% spooky trees. I love it.

Things to be learned from the dead, I’m so excited. This how all historians should pitch themselves.

Both Gared and Will no that something is seriously wrong tonight. Will has been on hundred of rangings and he’s never been this afraid. Not like this.

A cold wind was blowing out of the north, and it made the trees rustle like living things.

Probably my favourite line from the whole chapter. The feeling of not being alone combined with setting us up for hive mind of the tree gods? perfection!

Ser Waymar Royce is not getting the spooky tingles like the other two, and Will drops Waymar’s backstory and description on us.

Ser Waymar Royce was the youngest son of an ancient house with too many heirs. He was a handsome youth of eighteen, grey-eyed and graceful and slender as a knife.

We find out later that House Royce is one of the few non-Northern houses descended from the First Men, who also still send men to the Wall, though it is mainly to get rid of troublesome younger sons. Ah, troublesome younger sons who main threaten a main heir being sent to the Wall. Where have we heard that before?

Oh never mind, the comparison isn’t even subtle, when Waymar is described almost exactly the same way Jon is next chapter.

Jon's eyes were a grey so dark they seemed almost black, but there was little they did not see. He was of an age with Robb, but they did not look alike. Jon was slender where Robb was muscular, dark where Robb was fair, graceful and quick where his half brother was strong and fast. -BRAN I, AGOT

I’m just saying, Waymar is pretty clearly a stand in for Jon.

He’s also Sansa’s first crush

Anyway, Waymar is also proof from the start that Night’s Watch is not as egalitarian as the songs would lead you to believe, and who you are and who you know absolutely does matter in the NW. Jon gets this lecture from Donal Noye later, but the complicated social strata of Westeros influencing the NW is there from the start.

Will actually drops a bit of wisdom that I think might be important to a lot of the would be rulers of Westeros.

It is hard to take orders from a man you laughed at in your cups,

The power of mockery and laughter comes up a lot in ASOIAF, particularly as a tool to undermine rulers. Jon actually uses this same tactic against Ser Alliser Thorne, after Thorne tries to break him down. Tyrion is also pretty aware of this and also uses it against... Thorne too, in ACOK. That’s funny.

Meanwhile, Gared is back to arguing with Waymar that they should head back. Waymar, for all his trappings of knighthood, is a bit of a dick to Gared, but he’s not exactly *wrong*. Gared says that they should consider their mission ended, now that the wildlings all turned up dead, but Waymar isn’t having it. He instead asks Will exactly what he saw, and what Will describes is just straight up weird. There are no blood, no sign of a battle, just people lying too still to be alive. Their fire in the firepit had gone out.

Waymar also realizes this weird. Gared thinks it’s the cold.

“It was the cold,” Gared said with iron certainty. “I saw men freeze last winter, and the one before, when I was half a boy. Everyone talks about snows forty foot deep, and how the ice wind comes howling out of the north, but the real enemy is the cold. It steals up on you quieter than Will, and at first you shiver and your teeth chatter and you stamp your feet and dream of mulled wine and nice hot fires. It burns, it does. Nothing burns like the cold. But only for a while. Then it gets inside you and starts to fill you up, and after a while you don’t have the strength to fight it. It’s easier just to sit down or go to sleep. They say you don’t feel any pain toward the end. First you go weak and drowsy, and everything starts to fade, and then it’s like sinking into a sea of warm milk. Peaceful, like.”

What a terrifying description! Westerosi winters sound like they suck, and could easily kill a bunch of people just like that.

Also, what’s that??????? The cold burns????? Could it be! Ding ding ding! Our first set of ice and fire parallels!

But seriously, the idea that the cold can burn a person just a much as fire can comes up a ton in the Wall plot lines. Balancing between the extremes of ice and fire is going to matter. Remember that George has said he was inspired for the series title by Robert Frost’s poem “Fire and Ice” which is about the world ending? I do!

Some say the world will end in fire, Some say in ice. From what I’ve tasted of desire I hold with those who favor fire. But if it had to perish twice, I think I know enough of hate To know that for destruction ice Is also great And would suffice. Once again, this chapter is 90% foreshadowing and 10% spooky trees. Just the way I like it.

Moving on, Waymar is a bit of an asshole to Gared about the ears and fingers he lost to frostbite, before he turns to Will, and points out that the Wall has been weeping this week, making it much too warm for everyone to freeze to death. Friendly reminder its still summer in Westeros. Balmy.

Now, Waymar wants to actually see the bodies, so he and Will head up together.

We get one of my favourite atmospheric lines from AGOT, possibly from the whole of ASOIAF.

Twilight deepened. The cloudless sky turned a deep purple, the color of an old bruise, then faded to black.

*SCREAMS* I just love it so much! I can see it my mind, the kind of winter sky without any clouds, just one colour, and it evokes old wounds, like the world itself is still aching from something. And fading into the black of night, just as the action is about to start???? I wish I could write like this. There’s even a wolf howling in the distance, something that is almost always a negative omen (unless you’re a Stark). Something is on the prowl.

Gared is doing is best to get out of dodge, while Waymar wants to press on. He draws a beautiful shiny new sword, only for Will to tell him it’s probably better to have knife in these tangles of tree. There’s something there, but I can’t quite put my finger on it. Waymar ignores this advice, and starts another argument with Gared.

Gared wants to start a fire.

“There’s some enemies a fire will keep away,” Gared said. “Bears and direwolves and … and other things …”

So, the most obvious part here is that Gared is probably referring to the Others and white walkers. And this makes total sense in the context of the prologue. And we’ll see, later, that fire is about the only weapon that man really has against then (baring valyrian steel and dragon glass, which not everyone has). But allow me to put on my conspiracy hat. Gared mentions bears and direwolves, which are wary of fire, but neither of those animals are inherently bad. They are wild animals- they belong in the woods, and it’s the humans who are in their house essentially. I think it’s interesting to consider the devastation that fire can have on the natural world, and how fire is one of the advantages humans have on animals, and how animals are appropriately wary of that. And of course, the direwolf is the sigil of house Stark (and the bear is the sigil of house Mormont, but I would rather die than think about book Jorah,) Maybe the Starks should be wary of fire? All of them seem to be hurt by it at one time or another.

Waymar says no fire, and Will is afraid that gated might attack the lordling over this, and his money is on Gared. Luckily, no one dies (yet) and Waymar and Will go on ahead. Surprise! All the bodies are gone! In my personal experience, it’s never good when you’ve misplaced a body. Especially when there’s no-one around for miles to move them.

Unlike Will, Waymar is not prepared to immediately cut and run. This is his first ranging, and he will not return a failure! They're going to solve this mystery, even if its the last thing he has to do! (spoilers!)

Will scurries up a tree, his knife in his mouth, while Waymar tries to figure out what the fuck just happened. I only bring this up, since Will thinks the cold iron in his teeth brings him comfort, and all I could think about is faerie lore, since the fae abhor cold iron. It’s probably a completely irrelevant thought. But there’s nothing- only the sounds of spooky trees.

Branches stirred gently in the wind, scratching at one another with wooden fingers.

Spooky trees and foreshadowing!

There are pale shadows lurking in the corner’s of Will’s eyes, but when he looks, they are gone. It is cold. Too cold, and Waymar calls out. It's too late. I have to include the description of the Other because there is no way for me to do it justice.

A shadow emerged from the dark of the wood. It stood in front of Royce. Tall, it was, and gaunt and hard as old bones, with flesh pale as milk. Its armor seemed to change color as it moved; here it was white as new-fallen snow, there black as shadow, everywhere dappled with the deep grey-green of the trees. The patterns ran like moonlight on water with every step it took.

SO creepy! the comparison to old bones! Love it!

Will heard the breath go out of Ser Waymar Royce in a long hiss. “Come no farther,” the lordling warned. His voice cracked like a boy’s.

He’s only eighteen! Way too many of the characters in ASOIAF are essentially babies. And this is probably another nod to Jon, who is only fourteen at the start go AGOT. None of this “he’s three, he needs to toughen the fuck up” that Ned is fond of. Babies, I say! Children!

Waymar throws back the cloak that Will has been fixating on the whole time, and faces the Other and it’s creepy ice sword.

Ser Waymar met him bravely. “Dance with me then.” He lifted his sword high over his head, defiant. His hands trembled from the weight of it, or perhaps from the cold. Yet in that moment, Will thought, he was a boy no longer, but a man of the Night’s Watch.

What a great line! I’ll use it whenever one of my professors challenge me in class. Duel over my final marks

But in all serious, this is such a fantastic line. And the bit about him being a boy no longer, but a man of the NW is great as well. It most obviously is foreshadowing for Jon, as his changes from the unsure kid, to the Lord Commander, but I think this could also go for Sam as well, who finds his courage in his brothers.

The Other halts, and Will gets to see it’s eyes, a bright blue, “a blue that burned like ice.” And the ice and fire as opposite but equal forces motif continues. And as another side note, blue sometimes associated with death in the Middle Ages, and it’s interesting that George chose to associate it so strongly with the Others.

Waymar does his best but the Other’s pale blue blade gets him. Waymar rallies one last time, with a cry of “For Robert!” but his blade shatters, and down he goes. I think it’s interesting that Waymar choses “For Robert” as his last battle cry, but it makes sense. Robert as king of the Seven Kingdoms is the “Protector of the Realm.” In theory, he should be the one defending Westeros from this threat. In practice, it’s probably going to be the Stark in Winterfell, who is the one who pretty much always helps out WF.

Will waits until the laughter of the “watchers” in the trees dissipates, which is described as ‘sharp as icicles.” Really driving home that the Others are the personification of ice here.

He crawls down when he thinks the coast is clear, to check Waymar’s body.

Lying dead like that, you saw how young he was. A boy.

Yeah, Jon’s fate was sealed since AGOT.

Will picks up Waymar’s shattered sword, hoping to bring it back as proof.But unfortunately for Will, dead doesn’t quite mean the same thing as it used to. The corpse of Waymar, a wight, rises up. A shard from the shattered sword has pierced Waymar’s eye.

His fine clothes were a tatter, his face a ruin. A shard from his sword transfixed the blind white pupil of his left eye.

The first piece of evidence that Jon is going to lose an eye! Pretty much everything that has happened to Waymar in this chapter, will happen to Jon by ADWD, which means Jon will probably lose an eye. Just like Jonnel One-Eye Stark.

Will’s last thoughts, as the undead Waymar’s hands close over his throat, is that his touchy is ice cold.

*guitar riff*

WOW, what a doozy of prologue. A lot happened here. ASOIAF is a heavy metal series, and the Wall plotline is undoubtedly the most heavy metal part of the series, which is why I love it.

In conclusion, forehshadowing, spooky trees, and Westeros, specifically Jon is fucked.

In order the capture the full Heavy Metal-ness of ASOIAF, have this playlist by @starkmaiden

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5ChfZs9Vm3mjFoLEPaVoRn?si=e4ade6bdd61e4c55

#branwen reads asoioaf again #branwen reads #agot

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glitchyvoice · 6 days

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So, I've been thinking. What would Mara look like in a JoJo pose with your sona as their stand?

i. apologize but this might be a bit too complicated for what im mentally able to draw rn

idk that much about jojo?? i know a bit about the stands cuz one of my friends has like the most specific flavour of autism geared especially towards the stands

sooo. okay. what i know is stands kill ppl in like. the most specific unusual (u could say. bizarre [ill leave]) ways. so erm. my sona as a stand. i am thinking.

idk if u know the greatest living show. by itoki hana and toby fox. but im thinking maybe like that??

warning. uh. i think this counts as descriptions of body horror or just gore?? idk lmk below

so essentially. in the music video for that song (id link it but im tired. this explanation will be bad for the same reason) theres this show. and the guy who runs it has these performers who dance on stage. but theyre being puppetted. the strings pull at their flesh and tear off skin and eventually tear off full limbs until theres nothing left of the people. kind of fucked up. anyway i think my sona would do that to people.

#glitchyanswers

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totouchthcstars · 6 months

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Look who just woke up- is that JUNG HO-YEON? No, I must have been mistaken, that’s JOHANNA MASON from THE HUNGER GAMES. I heard they are 26 and stuck here just like everyone else. Even in the 20’s, she still gives off a A SHARP AXE FLYING THROUGH THE AIR; ALWAYS SAYING EXACTLY WHAT SHE THINKS TO BASICALLY EVERYONE; NOT GIVING MUCH ABOUT AUTHORITY OR RULES; GIVING THE IMPRESSION SHE IS ACTUALLY DIFFICULT TO GET ALONG WITH; HAVING QUITE A TEMPER AND GETTING FRUSTRATED EASILY WITH OTHER PEOPLE impression. In Sydney, they work as a LUMBER. They’re known to be quite CLEVER & UNAFRAID, but have a tendency to be RUTHLESS & VICIOUS on their bad days.

Gender/Pronouns : she/her

How long have they been in Sydney : born and raised, but in reality 6 months

Which suburb do they live in? Tba

Personality description : Johanna is a complicated person. Or, at least, it was what the games and Capitol made out of her. She would be angry at everyone, and not hold back with voicing her opinion, even public. Like, there was nothing Snow could take aweay from her, anyway. Johanna is heavily traumatized, but at the same time, has not much patience with other people going through the same, at times. JOhanna gives the impression that she does not want people to come close to her, which might even be true, to a point. She also has rather harsh ways to show others she cares about them. Oh, and she's also pretty sarcastic in an almost cruel way...

Memories of their real life : everything from the movies

What was their fake life like: Johanna grew up with her uncle, who is a lumber as well, after her parents died in a fire. Johanna only was not there because she had been strolling around in the streets of Sydney, at this point. It was a simply life, with Johanna being homeschooled, but it was good. Way better than her real life in Panem, anyway. Which was also a reason why Johanna had a breakdown when remembering it all again...

Quote: "He Can't Hurt Me ... There's No One Left I Love." (about Snow and the Capitol)

Theme song: Joan Jett & The Blackhearts - Bad Reputation

#Johanna Mason tbt #about Johanna Mason tbt #muse intro #thebridge: intro

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shadow-solace · 1 year

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Deep Inside chapter 1

This is a work of fan fiction, based in a very alternate universe, with my favorite characters and settings chosen for use with little to no regard for anything cannon in any way. I do my best to stay true to the characters as I understand them but obviously there will be adaptations to the environment. Also the subject matter is primarily romance, smut, porn and erotic fiction. If that offends you, feel free to move on. I'll be happy to list any specific tags or warnings on each story as it pertains. Also, rather than y/n I write with original characters with backstories and descriptions so once again, if thats not what you enjoy, I'll save you the time. If you're still with me, welcome and enjoy the ride.

***************************

It was hard for Verity to sleep on any average day. She had so many stories in her head from the people she had touched with her power of tactile empathy. She drew a bit of them inside herself - their emotions, hints and flashes of memories, their essence. She did her best to purge them but even when they were more or less gone there was always some residue left behind. An echo in her soul.

Verity had gotten better at turning it off as she got older, but when she was young she had been terrified that one day she would be so full of other people's echoes that she would lose herself entirely.

Tonight was another sleepless night. It was a hot summers night, but she had the windows open and the air conditioning in her room turned off. She loved the smell of nature, the sound of the crickets. The humidity made her skin a bit sticky with a fine sheen of sweat, and she tied her tank top in a knot just under her breasts and stripped down to her underwear, but she hated the staleness of the air conditioner. A summers night was almost a living breathing thing; a work of art like a symphony or a poem.

She turned on Miles Davis love songs and sat in front of the box fan with a glass of iced tea.

Life with the avengers was complicated, but something about it felt right. She had been recruited by Sam Wilson to be a member of the team he was rebuilding with the help of Pepper Stark and the Tony Stark foundation. There were several others on the team but she was the only mutant, and Sam had named her Ambassador. They were hoping her presence on the team would be a step toward acceptance for mutants - in a day and age where the government was considering a mutant registration act. If they pushed that act through, mutant concentration camps might well be the next step.

Yet another thing to lose sleep over, Verity thought with a sigh. Yet tonight it wasn't nightmares or worry about the safety of mutantkind that kept her awake. It was the man in the next room. Bucky Barnes.

She'd known he was not good for her the moment he walked in the door about a month ago. Or stalked in the door, more like. He had made it obvious he didn't want to be here, but for whatever reason, he had agreed to come.

Now she sat here, sweaty and sleepless and all she could think about was that man. It had been a damned long time since she want wanted someone like she wanted him, and to make it worse, he knew it. She could see it in his eyes, in the way his gaze lingered on her face - the way he licked his lips at her. He had started to make a habit of passing by her closer and closer, never actually touching her but close enough they could feel the heat radiating off one another. They hardly ever spoke to one another, but his eyes said so much.

She closed her own eyes and ran an ice cube from her chin, down her neck and between her breasts, focusing on the sensation, trying to be content with her own touch - she had opted for that more often in her adult life than taking the risk of touching a lover long enough, intimately enough that she lost herself in them completely. She'd had lovers, of course, but she was careful to choose them. She had been cautious - safe.

Bucky Barnes was definitely not safe.

But as she felt the ice cube draw her nipples to a peak, she realized it was his hands she was imagining holding the ice. His blue eyes, watching her intently in the way only he did. Her eyelashes fluttered and her lips parted at the thought, her nipples growing sensitive and hard, she ran the very tips of her fingers over them feather gently and moaned lightly at the depth of the sensation the very thought of Bucky's mouth on them brought on.

She was lost in her fantasy and allowed herself to whisper his name on a whimper as she twisted one nipple, imagining it was his teeth nipping it instead. She wished desperately she could bury her hands in that thick brown hair.

What she didn't realize was that Bucky heard his name from the other side of the wall, his own window open, his mind too full to sleep just the same. He held his breath and listened, and her heard her rapid, irregular breathing, the jazz music, and then he heard her whimper lightly and draw in a sharp breath as her fingers dipped between her legs and she imagined they were his.

He let his breath out slowly, already stirring at the thought. She was a beautiful woman, and he admired her strength. He'd known she liked flirting with him, and he couldn't lie to himself - he wanted this. Needed it, he realized, reaching down and shifting his erection in his pants because they were quickly becoming uncomfortably tight.

It had been a very, very long time. So many things were different, expectations and boundaries had changed. He wasn't sure he was ready for this but when he heard her breathing coming faster and the sound of her bed shifting under her as she… fuck. He was climbing out his window before he had time to talk himself out of it. He was already shirtless, his dogtags dangling against his chest, wearing nothing but a pair of jeans. He stared in her window for a moment, licking his lips absently as he caught sight of her on her bed, her head thrown back against the mattress, her breasts arched up toward the ceiling her nipples the color of roses, tightened into little buds as one hand rubbed them. The other hand… oh the other hand. He moaned out loud at the sight of her legs bent at the knees, spread wide to reveal all of her. She was rubbing her clit in small circles with that other hand, pushing up with her feet to lift her hips now and sliding two fingers deep inside herself.

He was breathing hard as he watched, aching… he didn't even realize he was undoing the fly of his pants until it was open. *shit* he gasped out loud, unable to tear his eyes away as she withdrew her hand and closed her knees, sitting up to look out the window with a gasp. Her long brown hair tumbled around her shoulder and she drew her knees up to her chest modestly.

"I… uh, I heard my name." Bucky told her, licking his lips and smirking. His steel blue eyes were almost translucent and shining in the moonlight, his muscled chest was as beautiful as she had so often imagined.

When he climbed in her window she did not protest. It had been a long time but his instincts were carrying him now as he reached the edge of the bed and grabbed her ankles and with a firm tug dragged her across the bed to him. He stroked her cheek as he gazed down at her. He didn't say a word but he loosened his fly and let his pants fall low on his hips, his impressive erection springing free as he continued to stare into her eyes. His vibranium arm reached up to stroke her hair, smoothing it back from her face and down the back of her head with a gentle, suggestive pressure.

She whimpered slightly, not from fear but excitement as she lowered her face and reached up to grasp his engorged cock in one hand, running her tongue teasingly along the tip and hearing his sharp intake of breath as he reflexively thrust his hips. His head fell back, eyes closing. He swallowed hard and when she did not move, he looked back down at her, his chest heaving and his blue eyes full of confusion. She smiled up at him and started to stroke him with her fist.

"Say please, Sargeant Barnes." She told him with a smirk of her own. He let out a sharp breath and chuckled at her, sliding his hand into her hair again.

"Please." He whispered breathily. "Please, Verity." And with her eyes still locked on his she opened her mouth wide and leaned forward to take him in. He thrust hard then checked to make sure it hadn't been too much, that he hadn't hurt her and she hummed in pleasure as she began to slide up and down, meeting the rhythm of his hips in opposition. Soon he had both hands in her hair, his head falling back, his lips parted in absolute pleasure.

"Oh, doll." He murmured, his hands still stroking her hair. Suddenly with one last deep thrust of his hips he cried out sharply and came and came for longer than either knew was possible. As she swallowed it all down she wiped her mouth with the back of her hand and watched him. His eyes were still shut, his chin against his chest, his mouth forming a small o as he blew out a long breath. He began to smile broadly and chuckled deep in his throat before looking her in the eye again.

"That was good." He told her with a tilt of his head. Before she could respond, he pushed her back on the bed hard, with his vibranium hand and dropped to his knees. He pulled her legs up and draped her thighs over his shoulders, spreading her wide with cold metal fingers and making her hips jump, and his mouth dove in to catch her. His tongue was broad as he tasted her for the first time and he moaned in pleasure at the taste of her. Then his lips found her clit and sucked until hurt, then he eased off and flicked it with the tip of his tongue to soothe the pain. She cried out, her hands spread wide, gripping the sheets blindly as the pleasure built near to boiling and her hips moved involuntarily up and down and he chuckled at the way he had her squirming.

Two cold vinbranium fingers slid in, then three and she met his thrusts with her hips again with blind need. When he lowered his face again to trace circles around her clit with his tongue, slowly at first but growing faster and faster she couldn't take it anymore and she arched her back her legs spreading as wide as they could as she pressed herself against his tongue and her entire body was drawn down to her core as wave after wave of orgasm tightened and released against his face. When she could think again, breathe again she looked down at him wiping his glistening mouth and chin of the evidence of her arousal. He grinned at her, those blue eyes sparkling - he was clearly very proud of himself. She chuckled a little, suddenly feeling a little shy.

He climbed up onto the bed next to her and leaned on his vibranium arm, cupping one breast in his other hand and running his thumb over her nipple to make her jump.

"Hi." He said with a light chuckle. She blushed and grinned, then covered her face with her hands.

"Hi." She said when she was able to come out from behind her hands.

He lickd his lower lip again as his blue eyes slid over every inch of her. He finally put his hand under her chin and lifted it so he could lean down and kiss her, slowly at first but then more hungrily as his tongue began to demand entrance, exploring her mouth and rubbing roughly against her own tongue, taking her breath away again. He took her hand by the wrist and guided it down to grasp his cock, fully erect and throbbing again to her surprise. It was a pleasant surprise and her hum of interest made him smile.

"Super soldier serum." He whispered against her lips with that cocky smirk. Before she could think of anything clever to say he claimed her mouth again, rolling onto his back and pulling her on top of him. He took her by the hips and she opened herself with one hand, guiding his thickness into her as she lowered herself slowly onto the full length of him, moaning as she felt him press against her cervix.

"Oh god." She moaned, her head thrown back as he lifted his hips to grind even deeper into her and she screamed, literally screamed and clenched hard against him as he stretched and filled her almost painfully. He let out a cry of his own followed by a gasp and a chuckle, he seemed to take that as a dare and he did it again, more forcefully, his lips drawing back with the effort of his straining muscles and he set a merciless pace - his thumb found her clit again and it only took the slightest pressure before she came, wave after wave of wet contractions so tight around him that he gasped and panted, his blue eyes narrowing but never closing and never leaving hers.

As soon as she was done, she collapsed, exhausted- but he wasn't finished yet. He slid out from under her and let her lie facedown on the bed moving around behind her. He gave her a firm slap on the ass and laughed when she yelped at the sting. He used his knee to spread her legs again and grabbed her by the hips pulling her up to him and diving into her once more. He was merciless this time, riding her hard and fast as she gripped the sheets with white knuckles and bit the pillow to keep quiet. Finally she couldn't help it and screamed out his name.

"Bucky, oh God, Bucky!" He began to slow, afraid he might've hurt her but she whimpered, "oh God, please don't stop! Don't stop!" He chuckled that breathy laugh of his and he reached one hand into her hair and twisted, pulling her up toward him.

"Say please, doll." He breathed hotly in her ear and she could feel the slick wetness leaking out of her trembling pussy.

"Please, Bucky." She whimpered as he began to suck and nibble at her neck,, his hand still pulling her hair almost painfully.

"Please what?" He teased, his mouth against her skin as he spoke.

"Please fuck me!" She gasped, her hand cupping her own breasts now, her thighs shaking with desperation.

"Like this?" He teased moving ever so slightly, gently.

"Harder!" She begged.

He moved slightly harder then stopped..

"Harder!"

"Harder, what?" He teased mercilessly, nibbling on her ear lazily.

Hand still holding her in place by pulling her hair.

"Oh, Bucky Please! Fuck me hard!" She finally moaned none to quietly and she could feel him smile against her skin.. he thrust his hips hard and buried himself again and began to ride her harder than she'd ever had before. When she came this time it felt like it was her whole body and she cried out loudly. With two more thrusts he stopped cried out victorious, a low primal growl of a sound. He finally letting go of her hair and collapsed on top of her on the mattress. He rolled over onto his back, still gasping and panting. They were both coated in sweat and smiling like maniacs.

He knew she had to be sore. He lay on his back, his vibranium arm across his eyes for a moment while his gasps slowed and his breathing more subdued. He reached over and stroked her skin gently, inviting her to come closer.

Verity kissed him gently, slowly once, twice, and then lay her head on his chest and listened to his heartbeat.

"That was unbelievable." She chuckled, "I needed that." She began tracing the line of hair from his belly button to just above his now satisfied manhood and back up again.

"Me too doll." He sighed happily kissing the top of her head. "I haven't done that since 1942." He chuckled.

"Well, you've got me beat in that contest I guess." She chuckled, kissing his chest lazily. She couldn't get enough of him. He put his hand under her chin and guided her to lift her face so he could kiss her softly, lazily on the mouth again.

When they finally grew still, they lay on the bed for awhile just breathing happily, listening to the summer sounds outside the window.

"You asleep?" She asked eventually.

"No." Bucky sighed. "Your sheets are soaking." He laughed lightly. She laughed too. "That's not all my fault." She replied.

"You, uh.. you want to sleep in my bed? With me?" Bucky asked awkwardly. Verity propped herself up on one elbow and looked at him in the dim lighting and saw something new in his eyes. Shyness. Vulnerability.

"I'd like that." She agreed with a feather light kiss. She watched as he slipped back into his jeans, and she put on her robe. He glanced at the window and she laughed. "Let's just go through the door this time." He smiled and nodded as if a bit embarrassed.

"Right." He said, rubbing the back of his neck. She reached out and took his hand and let him lead her to his room. They fell asleep quickly once they were in his bed, laying on their sides with him spooning her tightly. They fit together like pieces of a puzzle.

They slept peacefully for a couple of hours before she started to talk in her sleep.

"Stop. Stop!" It started as a gentle protest, but soon she was screaming and thrashing. "Stop! I can't…"

"Doll?" Bucky was startled awake, sitting up and gazing at her in shock. "Hey, it's ok… wake up, it's ok." Suddenly the bedside lamp flew of the table and smashed against the wall, and everything else began to shake and move, flying around and smashing into things. The bed itself began to shake and lift up off the floor.

"Verity! Wake up!" Bucky grabbed her by the shoulders and lifted her up. As she snapped awake, everything she had been unconsciously throwing around with her telekinesis fell to the floor, including the bed. It fell to the floor with a crash, and before they had fully oriented themselves, Sam and Yelana were knocking down the door.

"What the hell?" Sam yelled.

"Kinky." Yelena quipped, looking around the room at the mess. Bucky scowled fiercely at both of them.

"I couldn't stop! I couldn't… oh, God, I didn't want to…" verity cried out, tears pouring from her eyes. "Oh, Bucky. I'm so sorry…" she wept, touching his face. She'd been having his nightmare.

#bucky x oc

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