#and talking like that about. Common Symptoms Of Mental Illness even in song form

[proudfreakmetarusonniku]

so funny when ppl made out the dsmp to be full of cishet abled neurotypical white guys and then it turns out a majority of them (including big man dre himself) absolutely Aren’t. like i’m pretty sure thats bigoted in itself even if it’s meant to combat bigotry. you can’t decide someone Isn’t Marginalised just because you dislike them. that’s not how any of this works.

[write-baby-write]

Writing LGBTQ+ Characters

The idea for this post came to me when I was constantly writing Fanfiction 101 posts. It’s no secret to anyone that TV, movies, games claim to support diversity and being LGBTQ+ friendly, but keep the spotlight on straight characters and relationships. And as a consequence of living in society and consuming these forms of entertainment, fanfic authors end up reproducing some of the misconceptions and stereotypes created by society in their stories.

One of my biggest concerns while hosting events is how fanfic writers treat characters who represent a minority group. I know most of the writers who make mistakes don’t truly mean to offend anyone when they write something usually seen as a joke, a quote they saw somewhere or a song lyric. But they still do. And this post is my way to help fix this issue.

In case you’re not familiar with a few LGBTQ+ terms, let me introduce you to some of them. First, there’s sex. It can either mean the biological classification as male or female and the practice of sexual activities (solo or with others). To make it easier, whenever I talk about sexual activities, I’ll either say sexual activities or sexual relationships. The second term is gender, which is a social construction based on what cultures and societies associate to the biological differences among people.

The third one is the umbrella term or spectrum. Whenever I mention either of them, I’m talking about a term used to cover various other terms that fall under the same category.

Lastly, we have sexuality and gender identity. Sexuality is about sexual feelings, thoughts and attraction to others. It’s about who we want to have relationships with (whether they’re sexual, romantic or both). This term used to be known as sexual orientation, I personally don’t like it because it can give an idea that sexuality is a choice. It isn’t. Gender identity is the internal perception of oneself. It’s the core idea of “look in the mirror and see how you feel about yourself” cliché. This is the concept that says if a person is cisgender, transgender or non-binary.

Even though all these concepts are part of human nature, most of them are new to many of us. The world still believes and passes along misconceptions and stereotypes that are being fought against as I write this post. Until the nineties, being gay and lesbian was associated to being mentally ill. Last time I checked, being transgender still is considered a mental condition described with “symptoms” and "forms of treatment” in psychiatric textbooks because no one bothered to change it. These are just a few of many reasons why this post is necessary in this blog.

To write a decent post about this subject, I asked fellow LGBTQ+ writers and readers to share their opinions with me about the problematic things they’ve seen in fanfics and suggestions they could give to authors writing LGBTQ+ characters/relationships and here’s a compilation of what I received from them.

OBS: This is merely an attempt to have a guideline on writing LGBT+ characters at CFWC. Yes, I do realize this is a really long ass post for a guideline. It took me weeks of reading, researching and collecting info and I know I still might have missed something. But bear with me. I’ll make it worthwhile.

(A huge thanks to @aaronthe8thdemon​​, @homeformyheart​​, @itslaniquelove​​, @lilyoffandoms​​, @milo-the-goat-stan-account​​, @parkdoesthings​​ and @ukermane​​ for sharing articles they’ve read and their own personal knowledge, thoughts and suggestions ❤️)

Sexual and Romantic Attraction

Attraction is a consequence of different aspects (emotional bond, gender, intelligence, etc) because human beings have their singularities and personal preferences when it comes to finding a partner. For an author to describe attraction properly in a story, it’s important to understand some concepts that are common for LGBTQ+ characters, but also have some interesting stuff related to straight characters.

The most relevant components are sexual and emotional. The sexual component of attraction is determined by how often sexual attraction happens, if it becomes sexual desire (as in the need to engage in sexual activities) and the influence of other aspects that elicit attraction. So we have: allosexuality, demisexuality, sapiosexuality, grey-asexuality and asexuality.

Allosexual is someone who feels sexual attraction regularly. Characters written as allosexual can often engage into sexual activities (solo or with others). They are open to venture into casual relationships with strangers or someone they know, but it doesn’t necessarily involve any other aspect of attraction.

Demisexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction to people they have a deep emotional connection with. In this case, demisexual characters usually don’t engage into sexual activities, unless their sexual partner is someone they know really well and have a meaningful relationship with (whether it’s romantic or platonic). They might not have a high sex drive. Can they have one night stands? Yes. But it’s mostly with someone they know. Can they have sex with someone they don’t know really well? It can happen, but chances are that they do it in hopes to develop a stronger bond with whoever they’re having sex with.

Similarly to demisexual, sapiosexual is someone who only experiences sexual attraction if they’re attracted to the intelligence and/or mind of another. However, the emotional connection isn’t mandatory.

Grey-asexual is someone who experiences sexual attraction infrequently. The emotional bond also isn’t a requirement. Grey-asexual characters might not often engage into sexual activities since their sex drive is low.

Asexual is someone who experiences little sexual attraction to other people. Every ace person has a different experience, which means they might feel sexual desire and engage into sexual activities eventually. But don’t hold your breath waiting for it. The romantic component isn’t a requirement, so asexual characters still can fall in love, get married, have children, etc.

Much like the sexual one, the romantic component of attraction is determined by how often it happens, if it becomes a desire to have a romantic relationship and the influence of other components. In this case, we have heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic, panromantic and aromantic.

Heteroromantic, homoromantic, biromantic and panromantic fit into the alloromantic spectrum because all of them experience romantic attraction toward others, but gender is a key component in it. Hetero and homoromantic only feel attracted to one gender (opposite and same sex, respectively), while biromantic feels attraction to two genders and panromantic to multiple genders.

Aromantic are people who feel little or no romantic attraction toward other people. Since it’s also an umbrella term, it includes different terms for romantic attraction such as demiromantic, greyromantic, frayromantic, aroallo, etc.

Demiromantic is someone who only feels romantic attraction with someone they have a deep connection with. Does it mean they’ll only have a romantic relationship with friends? No. It also includes sexual partners and other people they have a bond with.

Greyromantic is someone who experiences infrequent romantic attraction. In many cases, they only feel it a couple of times in their lives. They can be unsure when their feelings are romantic or platonic and they might not feel the romantic desire or engage into romantic relationships.

As I said before, we all are influenced by these components of attraction on different levels. A straight character can be demiromantic and/or ace, a bi character isn’t necessarily biromantic, a transgender can be aro and/or ace and so on. All of them are valid and deserve to be appreciated.

Now that we understand these concepts about attraction, we can dive into the subjects related exclusively to LGBTQ+ characters.

Gay/Lesbian Characters

(Based on @aaronthe8thdemon’s answer to Fanfiction 101: LGBTQ+ characters guide post and the many things I learned with real life friends)

I think this is the most common LGBT+ representation in fanworks. Since the concept of having a relationship with someone from the same sex has been discussed for a longer period of time, it’s certainly “easier” to write lesbians and/or gay characters.

One of the first fandom discourses I witnessed here was about straight authors writing men loving men or women loving women. There are many claims about objectification of the characters, poorly written sexual scenes and, of course, queerbaiting. These complaints didn’t come out of thin air. There are writers who don’t care to give depth to the characters or their relationships. Many add a scene here and there with a gay character just so their MC can have that funny friend who only exists for the sole purpose of helping the protagonist. The gay character is constantly described as loud and effeminate, lesbians equal agressive women, men haters, tomboy or butch. And of course, there are the clichés sexual scenes (by the way, I’m being really nice when I say this).

I do believe anyone can write any character if they do some research that goes beyond Wikipedia articles and how the media usually represents LGBTQ+ characters. So here are things we all should avoid while writing gay and lesbian characters:

Gender identity and sexuality aren’t the same thing: remember the first concepts of I mentioned before. Apply those ideas to create and/or describe the characters. Gender envy isn’t a thing for gay men and lesbians. Gay men don’t want to be women and lesbians don’t want to be men.

The effeminate gay: that is one huge cliché. And though there are real life effeminate gays, it’s really important to point out that in this godawful world we live in, it takes a lot of courage for anyone to be the flamboyant effeminate gay we see in fiction. So if you’re going to write a character as effeminate, the least you can do is to be respectful. Don’t make them a joke, don’t write them flat and please don’t kill them just because.

Writing hurt/comfort or angst isn’t a synonym of writing homophobic acts of violence: Write characters fighting for dumb reasons, breaking up, having a bad day (because hey! Everyone has one.), seeking comfort from friends/relatives/partners because they miss someone. You can skip the scenes with homophobia content. There’s enough of that on TV, movies, etc;

And If you want to write smut, you must remember that:

Sex is more than penetration;

Women can do more than scissoring;

Sex toys exist for a reason;

Nobody enjoys anal sex on the first attempt;

Penises don’t need to be huge (the prostate is about three inches long. There’s no way it porn star cocks can fit in completely)

Humping on someone’s knees or legs doesn’t do anything for people who don’t have clitorises;

Nothing replaces lube. If your characters don’t have lube with them, there are other ways they give each other pleasure (like handjobs, blowjobs, fingering);

Condoms and other forms of protection during oral sex exist and they should be used (especially when the characters don’t know each other that well to know if their partner is STD free).

For more info: one | two

Bisexual characters

(Based on @itslaniquelove’s and @lilyoffandoms answers to Fanfiction 101: LGBTQ+ characters guide post and personal experience. You can read Lanique’s post about it here)

This is the topic I’ve seen more mistakes about in this fandom because we have a lot of bisexual characters being written by straight people. And oh, my sweet summer child… *deep sigh* This bi author writing this post has so much to say about it:

Bisexuality isn’t just about liking men and women: bisexualty is an umbrella term for several other concepts (pansexual, multisexual, omnisexual and polysexual) that involve different aspects of attraction and they share one big similarity: attraction goes beyond sex and gender.

Not all bi characters want a threesome: this is something that must be stated right away so we can overcome this stupid and very old fetish. Yes, it can be a cool thing to write. Kudos to you if you managed to write sex with three or more characters because I know it’s not easy, but bisexual aren’t obsessed with it. Straight porn created for men is. So, unless you have characters in an open or polyamorous relationship, you can move past it.

Not all bi characters engage into polymorous relationships: If you scroll past the sexual and romantic attraction topic or in case it isn’t clear, bisexuals might not experience romantic attraction very often if they fit into the aromantic spectrum. And yes, some bisexuals are monogamous too.

And to emphasize the “bisexuals can be monogamous” idea, bisexuals cheat as much as anyone else does: Sexuality doesn’t determine who cheats more. Betrayals happen for a multitude of reasons that I’m not going to list because motives change from one character/person to another. Also, remember the sexual and romantic topic? Some bisexuals might not even have the sex drive and/or romantic desire necessary to engage in one romantic/sexual relationship, let alone in two or more relationships at once.

Bisexuals aren’t 50% straight + 50% gay: This is a very concept based on Kinsey study and though it has its relevance historically speaking, it’s outdated and it fails in many aspects such as not including attraction to non-binary individuals or the influence of romantic and sexual components combined with other factors (eg. intelligence and lifestyle). Forget the math. Bisexuals aren’t math equations to be solved.

While I’m still talking about the sexual/romantic components of attraction, allow me to talk about something that causes so many misconceptions and it’s deeply hurtful to many of us. Bisexuals aren’t equally attracted to different genders: Again, forget the math. Bisexuals can be demiromantic, demisexual, biromantic, heteroromantic, homoromantic, panromantic, sapiosexual, aromantic, asexual… The list can go on forever.

The discourse about bi erasure has happened many times in interactive fiction fandoms, so let’s clarify something. I’m sure you’ve witnessed people saying a character is lesbian because they mostly or only date women in canon. Or that they’re only gay if MC is male. Those people are wrong! If a character is written to be attracted to MC regardless of their gender, they’re bi. If they mostly or only date one gender, but still feel attraction to other genders (regardless of engaging into sexual/romantic relationships), they’re still bi. Even if the author of a character that you don’t own doesn’t know squat about sexuality *coughcough*TRR writers*coughcough* but stated their character is bi, they’re still bi. Oh, before I forget: bisexual men aren’t unicorns. They exist.

Bisexuals aren’t confused, they don’t decide which gender to like best at some point in life. They’re just attracted to people of different genders and if they choose live with someone of the same gender or different gender, that choice has nothing to do with becoming gay or straight. Bisexuals are bisexuals. Period.

For more info: one | two

Non-binary characters

(Based on @parkdoesthings’s, @milo-the-goat-stan and @lilyoffandoms answers to Fanfiction 101: LGBTQ+ characters guide post. You can read their posts about it here: one | two)

The concept of gender identity is still new for many of us because it’s rarely explored beyond notions of feminine and masculine. Binary gender identities on their own do nothing, but spread more stereotypes and misinformation for those who attempt to “fit” into these labels. But when it comes to non-binary genders, things take a whole new level of ridiculous. So here are a few tips to avoid problems in the future.

It’s important to know which gender identity will best describe the character: there are several terms associated to non-conforming genders. I know seven of them, but chances are there might be more. You must do your proper research to figure out how to present your character well to the reader.

Don’t try to make them fit into the binary box: just because a character is assigned female or male at birth it doesn’t mean they should be described as women or men. Non-binary characters can be more feminine, more masculine, both and/or neither. This is something you’ll figure out while studying/creating their characterization.

Clothes mean everything and nothing at all: yes, you can describe your character expressing themselves through clothes. I believe it will work really well for some gender identities, but this isn’t an essential part of the characterization. Non-binary characters can also use vocal training and their body language to express how they want to present themselves.

When using pronouns, you can go beyond them/they: One of the writers I talked mentioned that a reader pointed it out they weren’t writing their own character correctly because they used the pronouns they and he. But what this reader probably doesn’t know is that a person can use any pronouns they want. Some use he to express more of their masculine side, same goes for she, others choose neopronouns and multiple pronouns or never ever change them. So, yes, our fellow writer can give any pronouns they want for their character because it’s their original character.

Anything related to secondary sex characteristics should be handled carefully: It can be sensitive topic for many non-binary people to read detailed descriptions of a non-binary character genitals, too much emphasis on binders, tucking, surgery scars.

Gender dysphoria (feeling of discomfort toward their sex and how a person perceives themselves) can be an important topic to write about, but you have to proceed with caution if you’re going to do it.

For more info: one | two | three | four

Trans characters

(Based on @aaronthe8thdemon’s answer to Fanfiction 101: LGBTQ+ characters guide post and articles listed at the end of this topic)

All LGBTQ+ characters have their own misconceptions and stereotypes, but for transgender characters, it must be one of the most cruel ones. As far as I’ve seen, transgender characters are the villains (J.K. Rowling says hello from hell) or a side character that is either the victim or the laughingstock. It’s about time to move past that. Here are a few things to avoid:

Respect the character’s preferred pronouns. Don’t dead name the characters. Avoid giving them a name similar to their dead name: They may be fictional, but it can be a sensitive subject to a real life person who took some time of their day to read your story. Don’t be rude to your readers.

Trans male characters have completely different life experiences from trans female characters: They’re both trans, but they can’t be written the same way because they go through different issues in terms of transition and how society feels about them.

Though non-binary is under trans umbrella, transgender and non-binary aren’t the same thing. It simply means both non-binary and transgender are not cis.

Support is appreciated, but trans characters don’t need a savior: Cis characters can be powerful allies to fight transphobia, but trans characters don’t need a cis character help to understand their own struggles, to come out or to defend themselves. The fight is theirs.

Don’t fetishize their bodies: describing a trans character body in too many details (especially secondary sex traits such as chest and genitals) may across as insensitive and rude.

Gender transition might be a fascinating topic for cis people because of the many awfully romantized metaphors about becoming who they truly are, but it can be associated to painful experience in their lives. Careful with how you handle this topic.

When writing smut, be mindful about how you describe the scene. Some descriptions can be unrealistic and don’t take under consideration sensitive themes like gender dysphoria, sex reassignment surgery and effects of hormones in the body.

For more info: one | two | three | four | five

The “It’s Just Fiction” Card

If you read this post until here and you still think you’re not hurting anyone because you made a homophobic joke or any LGBTphobic quote from a movie, a series or whatever, stop. Just don’t.

Don’t dismiss this matter as if we’re talking about problematic ships. This is serious. Nothing comes easy for LGBTQ+ people. Coming out is hard, feeling alienated is the worst and we deal with the jokes, the subtle threats, the hate every single day. When we turn to fanfiction, we just want to have fun like everyone else. But people rarely add trigger warnings related to hate against LGBTQ+ characters so we can avoid this sort of content. And in case you didn’t realize it, mocking someone can be a form of hate.

So I beg you. Please be mindful while writing homophobic acts, avoid queerbaiting and take a minute to look this list of slurs in other to avoid them in the future: one | two | three

Advice from real life LGBTQ+

Every character is so much more than their gender and sexuality. They have personal lives, careers, family, friends, opinions on so many different subjects. I highly recommend making a character profile so you explore this idea;

If they’re side characters, give them backstory: all you have to do is create a basic character sheet for them. What’s their favorite food? Favorite song? Do they get along with their family? What’s their fashion style? What’s their astrology sign? Bonus points for you if you research sun, rising and moon signs. (Don’t like astrology? Choose one of the results from 16personalities test or a Hogwarts house for them).

Yes, you can write fluff, friendship stuff, family stuff, happy endings for LGBTQ+. We want everything you can offer;

Give relationships more depth: and when I say give more depth, I mean write anything other than smut. Describe your characters doing normal stuff together, weird stuff, funny scenes, horror scenes, dramatic scenes, write them in alternate universes, use one of those OTP question prompts and create different scenarios for them;

Do your goddamn research: Go beyond the articles on Wikipedia, read books, research on awesome websites like GLAAD and The Trevor Project;

Talk to LGBTQ+: If you know someone in real life or online, talk to them. Ask them not just about that one specific subject you have in mind, but also about how kind of stories they would like to read/listen/watch involving LGBTQ+ characters;

If you can, find yourself a LGBTQ+ alfa or beta reader (I’m available to help out and I’m sure other people in the fandom can help you too).

Did I miss any topics? Do you have any suggestions? Let me know by commenting, reblogging or sending me a message/ask.

Happy writing/reading!

[scripttorture]

This may seem like a dumb question but my antagonist tortures my protagonists brother until he basically becomes a mindless drone and follows the antagonist's orders to the letter and believes everything they say. How would the villan torture this character into becoming this way?

It’s not a dumb question, pet, but it isn’t possible. Torture doesn’t work that way.

 Before I explain why (and why I think you should change this story) let me stress that I understand how you got here. There is a lot of misinformation about torture out there, in fiction and in otherwise accurate factual sources.

 It is easy to be misled. And a lot of the accurate information on torture is difficult to access, expensive or untranslated.

 You’ve been taken in by torture apologia and that is not your fault. I’ve seen journalists, politicians, academics and army generals all be taken in by this shit. I’m here to provide accurate sourced information, to the best of my ability and I’m going to advise major changes to this scenario in order to make it realistic and respectful to torture survivors. But what you do with the information I provide, what you’re comfortable doing with it, is up to you.

 Torture can not turn a person into a mindless drone.

 The mental illnesses torture causes do not make survivors ‘easy to control’. In fact there’s evidence that torture survivors are much more likely to oppose people who tortured them or even groups they associate with the torturers.

 Some of the mental illnesses torture can cause can make it harder for survivors to organise themselves and create an effective opposition. Some of the physical injuries torture can cause make it difficult or impossible to fight.

 But there is no abuse that can turn a person into a mindless automata. There is no torture that creates obedience.

 We are remarkably resilient, adaptable creatures. We are designed to survive.

 I think the choice you have here is pretty simple. You need to decide whether the torture or the obedience is the more important part of the story you want to tell.

 That’s not a choice I can or should make for you. You know your story best. You know what you want it to be about and the parts that move you. I’m not going to tell you what those parts should be.

 If you want a story about resilience, spite, anger and the lengths people will go to in order to defend what they believe in torture is an excellent fit.

 You can read about some of the common misconceptions here. You can read about the common symptoms survivors and torturers experience here. You can read about common memory problems here.

 I have a lot of collected sources here. Granted a lot of them cost money. I’m sorry about that, it isn’t fair. The evidence, research and the accounts of those most effected by torture should be easily available. But they aren’t. And I can’t do anything about it.

 I’d suggest looking at this post on Fela Kuti as well. Because everything I’ve read suggests that this anger, this opposition, this- Gods damned crazy level of spite is typical of the attitude torture survivors have towards torturers.

 Fela’s house was attacked because of his music criticising the military government. He was tortured. His friends were tortured. His mother, Chief Funmilayo Ransome-Kuti, was thrown from a top storey window and killed.

 A few days after his release Fela marched her funeral procession past the biggest military barracks in the country’s main city. Then he wrote two songs about it.

 Torture radicalises. It creates entrenched, lasting opposition. It breeds hate.

 If you want obedience in your story then the first thing you need to do is remove all physical abuse. Including things like sleep deprivation, bad cell conditions and solitary confinement. All of these make obedience less likely.

 If you want perfect ‘mindless automata’ obedience, then you’re talking about magic.

 It doesn’t exist. I’m not sure if it can exist with our nervous systems. No living creature is ever perfectly obedient and it seems likely that such a state would not promote survival.

 So if your heart is set on absolutely perfect obedience I’d suggest making it magic and making it painless. The inclusion of pain is, realistically, only going make disobedience more likely.

 If ordinary ‘obeying to the best of my ability’ obedience is good enough for your purposes then I think the most helpful place to start is with ‘ICURE’, these are a set of techniques which are used to manipulate people. As with anything they are not 100% effective, but over long periods of time this set of behaviours (and environmental factors) can change a person’s beliefs and behaviour.

 It stands for Isolate, Control information, create Uncertainty, use Repetition and Emotive arguments.

 The first point should be pretty obvious. The character needs to be isolated from their previous social circle and support network. When people don’t receive any information from outside of the group the group eventually becomes their most trustworthy source. When they don’t have social contact outside the group they become reliant on the group for support.

 Controlling information means that anything the character learns is first filtered through the larger group. It’s a form of censorship which means the character is only exposed to information that supports the group/ideas the group wants the character to have.

 This is combined with creating uncertainty about beliefs the group wants the character to reject. Often this means only providing information that discredits their previous belief system. It can also mean extended discussions about ‘why x is wrong’.

 Repetition is, what it says on the tin. It’s repeating this pattern of only giving the character information the group wants them to have, positive messages about the ideals the group wants to instil and negative messages about previous belief systems. Consistent repetition over a long period of time has an effect on our beliefs. Sometimes it even effects them when we know the information is wrong.

 Emotive arguments means- well keeping any discussion away from logic. Something like- going from ‘well I’m not sure this idea about our belief system lines up with our holy text’ to the manipulative character asking why the target hates them/God/the entire church.

 Consistent use of these techniques over years can (but does not always) result in a person changing their beliefs and choosing to join the group/opposing side.

 There’s an ask here that you might find relevant. And another one here.

 Wrapping this up, whatever you decide remember that the victim always has a choice.

 It might not be a good choice. It might not be a free choice. But abuse and coercion do not take away someone’s ability to choose.

 If someone is being abused then they are much more likely to choose refusing, sabotage, self harm or violent attacks on the abuser then actual assistance.

 Someone who is being coerced or manipulated is still making a choice. And from their perspective it should be a choice that makes sense. One that’s practical, or reasonable or that they think serves their beliefs.

 Think about what this character would choose. Think about what looks possible and practical from their perspective. Why might aiding the villain seem like the ‘right’ choice?

 I hope that helps. :)

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[neurodiversenerd]

Madoka Magica’s Beautiful Queerness

I must confess: Puella Magi Madoka Magica is my all-time favorite anime and manga.

I first got into anime when I was 8, sitting down in front of the TV gleefully watching Sailor Moon swinging her sparkly wands around and declaring justice against monster after monster. I’d heard of it from somewhere on the internet, and upon asking my dad, he described it as a story about “a girl who turns into a superhero.” I’d later learn there were countless shows like Naoko Tekuchi’s classic, all falling under the aptly named “Magical Girl” genre.

To be frank, I’m not licensed to talk about Magical Girls as, by being white, I lack that cultural context to fully analyze the common tropes of these kinds of media. As such, I will NOT be talking about Magical Girls as a genre or about how Madoka Magica and Sailor Moon changed it. However, Sailor Moon was what kicked off my interest and from there on out, I sought out other similar anime and stumbled upon something… different.

That was when I came upon Puella Magi Madoka Magica. Unlike many unfortunate (and mentally scarred) fans of the surprisingly dark deconstruction, I was lucky enough to read the Wikipedia article on it and have some foreknowledge on its mature themes. I didn’t actually end up reading or watching the series then and there, and almost forgot about it until the first 3 volumes of the manga appeared in my school’s library.

I’ll admit; I mostly checked it out because of the sparkly rainbow covers, but briefly I remembered that all was not what it seemed. As much as I love girly fluff, I’m also really into psychological horror, and Madoka Magica delivered both.

PMMM follows Madoka Kaname and her friends as they make contracts with an alien cat called Kyubey, allowing them to obtain magical powers and a wish for their souls. Each of the girls realizes, though, that this contract is far more dangerous and sinister than they thought, and that Kyubey may not be fully honest about his actual motivations. It starts out adorable, but then in episode 3, a dark twist quickly turns this innocent show into an emotional and horrifying thrill ride.

The manga’s beautiful art and readability got me obsessed, and I ended up picking up the spinoff manga series and watching the 12-episode anime. Each of course, was equally magical and fantastic, only making me love this fictional universe more. The characters were incredibly human and had a depth that made me care for them, and the series managed to perfectly balance and contrast both its horrific and heartwarming moments. That’s not even mentioning the plot, which was unpredictable and enjoyably surprising, with a perfect ending.

By and large, though, my favorite thing about Madoka Magica was how beautifully queer the story was. The show has been criticized for queerbaiting and pulling out some problematic tropes, as the relationships admittedly are not as obvious as they could be, but upon watching it’s blatant that the main girls are anything but straight. Despite the flaws of this representation, the story manages overall to create an enjoyable narrative about the lives of these girls and the relationships between them.

When the series starts, we first get to know shy, pink-haired Madoka and her spunky, blue-haired best friend Sayaka. In the first episode, a romantic relationship is already teased between the girls, Sayaka hugging Madoka and explicitly calling Madoka her wife.

Sayaka and Madoka are unfortunately something of a rare-pair in the fandom, but their relationship is so genuinely wholesome and loving during the series that it’s a surprise that not many people ship them. They can be seen holding hands and supporting each other through whatever comes, and up until episode 8 they are together through everything.

Sayaka is unashamed to tell Madoka everything she’s feeling, and both are motivated mostly by protecting each other. Unfortunately, they have a falling out because of Sayaka’s increasing distress about her contract, but this is eventually resolved when they are brought back together at the end of the series.

These two aren’t the only couple hinted at, either.

When a new girl, Homura, transfers to Madoka and Sayaka’s class, Sayaka develops somewhat of a crush and remarks about how beautiful Homura is. This is quickly overwritten when Sayaka and Homura become more antagonistic, though.

After Homura joins the cast, Madoka and Sayaka are saved from a “witch” (the monster contracted girls must fight) by a girl named Mami. Both Madoka and Sayaka become fast friends with Mami, both talking a little too much about how “cool” they think she is.

While fighting another witch and alone with Madoka, Mami reveals that she struggles with loneliness and what could even be read as symptoms of mental illness. Madoka responds by holding hands with her, comforting Mami and reminding her that she isn’t alone. Mami then calls the two of them “a magical girl duo,” and monologues about the newfound emotions she feels about her companionship with Madoka. Note that this is only on episode 3 out of a 12-episode anime!

This beautiful moment of non-heterosexuality, though, is again unfortunately brief. Mami becomes careless and is killed by the witch she intended to defeat, leaving Madoka and Sayaka scarred. This is of course, somewhat problematic, given that Mami’s death could be read as an incident of bury your gays. The series does seem to invoke this with the characters’ deaths, and I will concede that I can’t exactly justify this especially since it really seems to take a while to even confirm that character’s queerness. Even so, the deaths are relevant to the plot and drive the story, so avoiding the characters’ demise would actually hinder the story and the message it attempts to deliver.

After Mami dies, the start of Sayaka’s primary arc begins. It’s hinted that Sayaka may have had some deeper feelings for Mami than she shows. She regrets that she didn’t make a contract in time to save her, and fights (and dies) to model how Mami used to. Most of how Sayaka acts from this point forward is in memory of Mami, which is both beautiful and tragic for her character. It’s a testament to the queer undertones of the show that Sayaka is willing to fight in honor of the girl she loved.

Another character named Kyouko is introduced as an antagonist, another one of the “magical girls.” She fights with Sayaka over witch hunting territory, and their philosophical disagreements on how to kill the monsters make them at odds with each other. Despite this, there’s an aspect of Foe Yay to how they interact with each other.

It’s revealed that Kyubey takes a girl’s soul when she makes a contract with him, causing Sayaka to fall off the deep end, while Kyouko begins to see herself in Sayaka and tries to rescue her before it’s too late. Kyouko’s character goes from a villainous one to that of someone who pushes other people away because of their fear of abandonment, supported by what she experienced prior to the series.

She wished for her father’s church to become popular again after he was excommunicated, but once he discovered that his daughter is what he labels a witch, Kyouko is outcast and her family dies by her father’s hand. Her story is reminiscent of the rejection that some queer youth face when they come out to bigoted religious family and can be read as metaphorical for that predicament.

Unfortunately, the series pulls a “bury your gays” moment yet again. It turns out that magical girls are only contracted so they too can turn into witches and so Kyubey can gather energy for his civilization based off this transformation. Sayaka, unable to cope with all the pain that comes with being a magical girl, turns into a witch when she becomes too filled with despair. Kyouko attempts to restore her original form but fails, destroying herself and Sayaka’s witch so that they can be together in death.

It's a sad ending for Kyouko and Sayaka, but it does strangely add more subtext to their relationship considering that they get to a point where they would literally die for each other. The song “And I’m Home” by Wowaka also plays after their deaths, which is a love song between the two of them expressing how despite their sadness, they’ve found safety in each other. During the song, a still image of them holding hands underwater, as if they’re drowning together, is pictured.

Madoka and Homura then become the couple most alluded to during the final 4 episodes of the series. Homura tells Madoka that an apocalypse-wreaking witch is coming to their town, and that she’s been going back in time using her magic to save Madoka from that witch, or to stop Madoka from becoming a witch herself.

Episode 10 is arguably the best episode of the series, where we see the various timelines Homura has lived through and how she bonds with Madoka every time. Madoka and Homura’s relationship during these periods are sadly brushed off as “friendship,” but Homura’s dedication to saving Madoka and Madoka’s willingness to die for Homura in several timelines alludes to something much deeper.

The best scene from this episode is by far when both Madoka and Homura are about to become witches and the two make a promise to destroy the world together as monsters. These two are perfectly willing to fall right beside each other, but when Madoka is able to save Homura from her fate at the last minute, Homura is forced to kill Madoka before she becomes a witch and reset again. The scene is heartbreaking and is really when Homura begins to drastically change compared to the other timelines.

Episode 11 features what’s basically Homura’s confession of love to Madoka, wherein she promises to keep Madoka safe at all costs and embraces her. When the giant witch finally attacks in episode 12, Madoka runs out into the ruins of the city to save Homura, and finally decides what to wish for to become a magical girl.

These final moments of episode 12 are particularly beautiful and filled with things that cannot be brushed away with simple friendship. Madoka wishes to erase witches, and through loopholes in the rules of the magical girl contract, is able to ascend to godhood and save every last magical girl from witch-hood. She basically rewrites the universe in her ideals but has to say goodbye to Homura as she leaves earth.

Madoka calls Homura her “very best friend” and gives Homura her hair ribbons to remember her by. Oh, and did I mention that during this time they’re hugging and naked in space? Yeah. Just gals being pals.

This ending is emotional, cathartic and gives a depressing series a strangely happy ending. Other than the naked space hugging (*suggestive eye raising*), it also summarizes the queer themes built up through the series.

The character Kyubey, an alien who uses these girls to his own advantage, manipulates them and profits off of their despair and personal trust. Many people have written about how he could be metaphorically read as an entitled man who views women as objects and resources to be used. Considering that queer women in today’s society are particularly marginalized due to how cishet men often feel entitled to fetishize and marginalize their gender and sexuality, the subtext in Madoka Magical also plays into this.

When Madoka finally manipulates and one-up’s Kyubey for a change, Kyubey is shocked because of what he doesn’t anticipate. From him predicting Kyouko’s death to his original contract with Homura, Kyubey has used the girls’ love for each other as a weapon against them as many straight men do towards queer and trans women. He doesn’t expect Madoka’s love for Homura and for her friends to win over him, and it creates a fantastic ending because of how Madoka’s love is literally able to rewrite the universe. Yeah, gay love saves the world.

One of the key ideas of the show is the relationship of hope and despair, but the emotion of love can easily be included in either, so even though Kyubey can tip the balance of hope and despair he is incapable of doing anything to the love the girls feel for each other. Though he can weaponize it, as shown by Madoka’s wish he is never fully able to erase it. What gives Madoka the hope to continue standing against Kyubey is nothing but the love she’s felt between herself and her (more than) friends.

The whole of Madoka Magica can even be read as Madoka’s coming out story. In the beginning, she’s shy and unsure of herself. Sayaka is blissfully ignorant to the pain of the world (metaphors for discrimination), and Mami is lonely because she’s set apart as a “magical girl.” Kyouko was also rejected due to religion.

The girls are eventually all taken by the whims of Kyubey and his need to use them, but even so they find solace in their relationships with each other. Madoka witnesses these events and gains a full understanding of what it means to be a magical girl, and instead of giving up, chooses to hope for a better world and actively change it.

But the story is also arguably about Madoka falling in love with Homura and gaining strength from the experience. In the end, she literally becomes a goddess when she embraces herself and defies Kyubey’s (and society’s) expectations.

Madoka Magica isn’t perfect. Bury your gays, and almost canon subtext are features that fall under queerbaiting and are somewhat problematic. Beneath it all, though, Madoka Magica is a great story about a group of queer girls of color opposing a system built against them. It’s got flaws, and more steps need to be taken so that the series improves in this manner, but Madoka Magica is a good start and I hope that the 4th Madoka movie will continue to improve its LGBT themes and perhaps even explicitly confirm the relationships.

Until then, I’d highly recommend Madoka Magica for its storytelling, animation, and it’s beautiful (if not perfect) queerness.

[hcpefulmarshmallow]

Hello friends, this is just a thing that I wanted to mention real quick (you: “stop it Jenny, we know you don’t do real quick”) because it’s been playing on my mind for some time. Trigger warning for mental illness.

 To begin, a (somewhat) brief preface. When I talk about what’s a ‘real’ diagnosis and what’s not, I’m referring to what exists in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 5th Edition (DSM-V); and the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-11).

 The most recent edition of the DSM-V was published in 2013 by the American Psychiatric Association, and the most recent edition of the ICD-11 in 2018. They are both common diagnostic tools for mental disorders, offering clear, standardised criteria. The DSM is more commonly used in America and is more universally known, while the ICD-11, despite being less common knowledge, actually has a wider reach professionally and is used more in Europe and other parts of the world. It also has a broader scope than the DSM, covering overall health instead of just mental disorders.

 Please bear in mind that I have not read either resource in their entirety, this is just what I can work out from more general research of the two, compared to patterns in writing that I see all the time. And just know that I’m not calling anyone out or trying to police anyone’s creativity. Consider this an information dump, and inspiration to research what you write.

 So, with all the boring stuff out of the way: what’s my damn point? Why did I take on the mammoth task of reducing a complicated and very nuanced issue to a single post? In fact, what is the issue at hand? 5 paragraphs in and I’ve still not addressed it, I’m a great essayist.

 Well, it all started with the song  “Sweet But Psycho” by Ava Max. And no, I don’t know it -- and neither does my sister who seems to think she does, because I hear the first four lines sung out loud more than I ever needed to: “Oh, she's sweet but a psycho / A little bit psycho / At night she's screamin' / I'm-ma-ma-ma out my mind”. And when you have that catchy but annoying tune in your head, the things you hate about it are inescapable. 

 At this point, you’re probably thinking this is another rant about the glorification (or even, gasp, the cutesification) of mental illness around us and, uh...sort of? Like I said, I’m not here to police anybody. And I don’t think almost anything is truly bad in isolation -- it’s the trend that scares me. There’s not much I, a lowly internet dweeb, can do about the mainstream, but I do think I can educate my fellow peers. And what I want to educate you on today is the use of words that don’t mean what we think they mean, as an example of why we need to mind the subject matter we handle.

 So. ‘Psycho’. In terms of writing, most people use it to refer to their characters who are your batshit off-the-wall cutesy crazy types. Your Yanderes and Jeff The Killers of the fandom world. It’s usually short for two different terms: either Psychopath or Psychotic, and in neither case does this do anybody any favours. Let me explain.

 The term ‘Psychopath’ is often used to describe someone who is cruel, violent, has no care for others, and is often bloodthirsty. These characters are usually presented in one of two ways: as someone who can blend into wider society until their true dark nature is triggered, at which point they become deadly and dangerous; or as someone who is simply unapproachable at all times. Psychopath also has a sister term it’s often treated as interchangeable with, of which I am sure you’re aware: Sociopath. A ‘Sociopath’ is someone who cannot or simply does not experience empathy, sympathy, all those wonderful emotions that make us caring and considerate towards others. As a result, a ‘Sociopath’ often winds up doing radically hurtful things to other people.

 The trouble with both of these words is that, medically, they do not exist. Not how we think they do. We just made them up to be mean to each other. That’s right, you can’t be diagnosed as a Sociopath, or a Psychopath. Yeah, I was shocked too. I got so used to hearing people described like this, I thought they must be real.

 And I’m not saying that these words are invalid, just because they’re not real diagnoses. That’s not how words work. The beauty of language is that we invented it, and we can keep on reinventing it. If people use the term ‘Psychopath’ in this way, it will inevitably come to mean this exact thing, no matter what psychology says. And that’s fine. The trouble is that they are often conflated with real mental illness. Used in the place of a genuine diagnosis so we can still have our crazy villain type without the constraints of real, attributable illness. Because you gotta keep ‘em guessing!!1! In the same way they become real words if we use them like they are, they become interchangeable with actual mental issues if we use them that way. The ‘symptoms’ of being a Psycho- or Sociopath are oftentimes just exaggerated forms of symptoms belonging to actual, diagnosed illnesses. And like I said, trends are worse than individual problems, but when we see a combination of symptoms in an illness, whether that illness is given a fake name or not, in exclusively characters who we’d never want to meet in real life, the real sufferers suffer. It puts a stigma in our minds whether we mean for it to or not; it closes us off to conversations, to understanding these people and how to help them.

 The worst cases are when writers take the opportunity to justify their use of the word by ‘diagnosing’ the character themselves, which takes on a whole new level of Yikes. We’re in such an awkward place in terms of representation at the moment, and I know it’s hard to navigate. I have all the love for people who do so with pure intentions. If, for example, you have a straight character, it’s easy for that character to be themselves. But if you have a gay character, everything they do is Gay, and it’s a representation of the Gay Community, and you will be held to a higher standard because of that. That is the lens through which we look at media right now, and it sucks for everyone, and is so easily exploited, but it is what it is. In much the same way, if your character is the only character in your story with a certain illness and they’re also your Big Bad, or someone who would be genuinely terrifying to approach -- well, I don’t think I need to explain why that could be seen as a major disservice. And of course, if your character is the only one in a whole darn genre...yeah. This is why trends matter. And why the trend of mental health getting misrepresented is so troublesome.

 But I digress: because remember, I did say there were two uses of the word Psycho, and the second is grounded in reality. The word ‘Psychotic’ is, medically speaking, a real thing. Again, used to mean someone who is deranged, possibly murderous - and like I said, if a word is used a certain way, it will come to mean a certain thing. But the term has a psychological basis. Psychotic describes someone experiencing Psychosis - a mental disorder in which the sufferer experiences a break from reality. The most classic case is a war veteran who thinks he is suddenly back on the battlefield.

 But obviously, a sufferer of a serious and damaging phenomenon isn’t what we think of when we hear ‘Psycho’ or even ‘Psychotic’. I don’t want to lean too much into the impact on mental health as a whole; that the idea of being neurodivergent is subsequently glamourised and demonised at the same time; that people latch onto labels that have real, practical use, all for the sake of feeling special. I want to keep it basic now. I want to ask: do terms like these have a place in writing? Specifically, in RP, since that is the form with which I am most acquainted right now. Obviously I can only answer with my own opinion, since there’s no Holy Doctrine to tell us one way or another.

 I’m not going to sit here and demonise everyone I think has mishandled subject matter. Believe me, I’ve not always been good at it -- I’m still not always good at it. And as someone actively playing a character whose mental issues are a major part of his characterisation, and who does things that make him unlikeable because of those mental illnesses, I know the pressure to get it right all the time. That unsteady balance between realism and demonisation, glorification and representation. The desire to put labels to traits, to have an understanding of what’s going on in such a complicated mind. It’s tricky. Everyone’s experiences are different. And I’m not saying we need to get rid of “crazy for the sake of crazy” characters, or view everything through the lens of “but who will this hurt??”; or get rid of these terms altogether. Like I said, societal meaning is still meaning. And I personally like to believe that most authors have good intentions, even those with poor execution. And I’m certainly not trying to shame anyone for falling for societal opinion. Everyone has about something at some point.

 If there’s a point to this at all, it’s this: research. Learn. Adapt. Not even my information is perfect and correct. I’ve seen everything above done a million times in so many ways, good and bad. If you want to follow a trend in writing or in storytelling, do, but try to understand it first so you can execute it better. Give it a purpose, and a place. Seize your right to be creative, by all means, but also take the opportunity to learn something new. And in turn, use your art to not only express and entertain, but educate.

 Tl;dr: The best premise in the word can still be executed poorly, but likewise, a poor premise can be executed well. No subject matter has to be wholly off limits, and not everything has to be a statement about something. But handling matters, so handle your work with respect. Do your research and understand what you’re saying before you say it. Make something you’re proud to stand by.

[nievefergie]

A Research Paper on ABC’s ‘General Hospital’

I have been watching soap operas since I was nine years old. Soap operas made me who I am today — they laid the foundation of my love for stories and real television beyond cartoons. Soap Operas are a foundational television genre in defining the television industry. Soap operas began on United States radio networks in the 1930 as the radio was being introduced to homes across the United States (Soukup). The early soap operas were fifteen minute daytime radio serials used to market products such as soap and other mainly feminine products, earning the name “soap opera”. The commercial sponsorship of soap operas is what formed the structure of advertiser-supported programming that we currently have on television today (Meyers). With the World War II over and television on the rise, broadcasting networks adapted their radio shows for television to meet the demands of the developing world (Soukup). The familiarity of soap operas from the radio is arguably said to have been one of the reasons audiences across the country were so easily able to change mediums from radio to television. By 1951, all three networks had their own soap operas. Into the 1960s and 1970s, more than 10 hours of network programming per day was dedicated to soaps and brought audience members over the 20 million mark. Once the 1980s arrived, soap opera ratings began to decline and more than ten soap operas have been cancelled since the 1990s, including iconic ABC soap operas like One Life to Live and All My Children in 2011. As of 2017, there are only four soap operas currently on broadcast television (Meyers). This is a shame. We don't value soap operas like we use to which is a loss to the culture of The United States because daytime soap operas focus on taboo social issues such as AIDS and abortion more than any other genre of television. Many people remember the iconic episode of Degrassi where a young girl gets an abortion. In fact, it was not aired in American during the early days of its airing in 2004. The N (a subsidiary channel of Viacom’s Nickelodeon now known as TeenNick) refused to air the controversial two-part episode until two and a half years later in August of 2006, when the actress ranked it her favorite episode and so the network had to air it (McDermott). But this wasn’t the first time abortion had been a featured storyline in United States television. The first abortion storyline on television took place on the soap opera Another World (Lane). This begs the question - If we talked about it all the way back then on daytime television, why can we still not talk about it today on primetime? Another World aired from 1964 to 1999 on NBC for 35 years. Pat Matthews’s boyfriend, Tom Baxter convinced Pat to have an illegal abortion in New York. Pat had the abortion and then developed an infection which left her able to have any children. Tom then revealed he never loved Pat, and she shot him. While on trial for murder, she fell in love with her attorney, John Randolph. In the 1970s, the writers of Another World had Pat have correctional surgery and she had twins (Newcomb). In 1973, Erica Kane (played by the iconic Susan Lucci) on All My Children had the first legal abortion on Daytime television before Roe vs. Wade was decided on. Erica had her abortion because she was a model and did not want to end her career. The storyline made headlines over its controversy of the reasoning to have an abortions — to maintain a career rather than due to health concerns. The storyline was perceived well by feminists and ratings rose from 8.2 to 9.1. These groundbreaking moments in women’s history proved daytime television dealt with complex social issues that were relevant to the mainly female audience and their sophistication (Jr., Kevin Mulcahy). In the 1990s, AIDS was still very underrepresented and stigmatized. Children were warned to stay away from people with HIV and AIDs and treated it like the common cold. Most people still didn’t even know all the facts about it or its symptoms — they just knew to be afraid. One of the first shows to ever feature a character with AIDS was Stone Cates in 1993. Stone was living with the iconic mobster, Sonny Corinthos, along with his brother, Jagger Cates. He then began dating Robin Scorpio. Their love story was called “epic” and “tragic”. Stone became sick with the flu and Robin took care of him. Robin, a volunteer at the hospital, asked Stone to get tested for HIV. Stone got tested a year prior and was HIV negative, so he did not take another test. Unfortunately, the test was only negative because he took it to close to exposure for the antibodies to come up. Robin and Stone then had unprotected sex. When Stone’s flu did not let up, he got tested and was diagnosed HIV positive. Once Stone was shot and got his blood on Robin’s hands, he confessed to her that he was HIV positive and his previous girlfriend had been a drug addict and could have possibly contracted HIV. Robin and Stone were tested again, where Robin tested negative and Stone was revealed to have AIDS. Later, Robin contracted the flu and tested HIV positive as well. When Stone died, he had gone blind, but asked Robin to stand by the window and the light. As Stone looked towards the light, he saw Robin one last time before he died. The actor, Michael Sutton, was nominated for an Daytime Emmy for his performance. Stone, although a very prominent character in General Hospital’s past, was only on the show for roughly two years from 1993-1995. Dr. Robin Scorpio-Drake, however, remains a very prominent recurring character on General Hospital to this very day since 1985. Robin’s storyline has been a wonderful example to those living with HIV that they can live healthy, fulfilling lives. Robin ends up getting married to Patrick Drake, having a healthy daughter named Emma and a son named Noah, and becoming a renowned doctor. Robin still often brings up Stone Cates, which is a rare occurrence for such a short lived character arc. Robin refers to Stone as her first love and the reason she became to pursue her career as a doctor. Robin’s story influenced thousands around America because thousands of people watched Robin grow up from a child into a teenager for almost ten years. The storyline of Robin becoming HIV positive was so important to viewers because she was a character no one wanted to see go — and uninformed people assumed HIV positive was a death sentence. Robin Scorpio-Drake’s legacy still lives on, giving hope to many others living with the disease. An after school special called Positive: A Journey Into AIDS aired December 7th, 1995 on ABC after General Hospital hosted by Kimberly McCullough and Michael Sutton, who played Robin and Stone respectively. The after school special was done as a documentary as the actors talked to real people living with HIV and AIDS to prepare them to do the part justice. The special also showed a press conference where a reporter asked Michael Sutton if he was nervous about being stereotyped as gay due to the abundance of gay and bisexual men affected by the disease. Sutton responded that he was heterosexual and comfortable with his sexual preferences, but remained challenged by the interviewer’s question. He spoke about how “pigeon-holed” AIDS and HIV are and that people want to stereotype it as a gay disease in order to downplay it (Harrington & Watkin). The after school special won two Emmys in 1996 (""ABC Afterschool Specials" Positive: A Journey Into AIDS (TV Episode 1995)"). This special was so important because it was a fictional weekly story talking about the making of the storyline and talking to people who truly had HIV and were living with it in order to better the fictional weekly material. The Nurses’ Ball was founded in 1994 as an event for the citizens of Port Charles to fundraise for HIV and AIDS awareness and research. The event stands as a catalyst for various different storylines because all the characters are put together in one place. The actors who portray citizens of Port Charles, New York perform song and dances. In 1996, once Robin was diagnosed with HIV, The Nurses Ball became personal for many characters, each donating money for the cause. Even beyond the characters in the show, the show itself has donated more than $109,000 to the nonprofit organization Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation since 1998. The Nurses Ball became a day to mark the nationwide Day of Compassion. In 1997, AIDS-infected actor Lee Mathis, who played a recurring lawyer on General Hospital, passed away weeks before the annual ball he helped stage. General Hospital then donated the royalties from Robin’s Diary, a book to go along with the storyline, and Nurse’s Ball t-shirts (Bidwell). In 2013 when the Nurses Ball was brought back on as a plot device, the soundtrack to each performance was released on iTunes. And I could not find any sources for this, but I’m sure that some of the royalties to toward the same AIDS foundations. Not only has General Hospital and other daytime serials spent their money and time from their small budget to portray complex social issues, but they also donate money to the outside real people who’s real life stories they are portraying. Celebrity Health Narratives and The Public Health notes, “Interracial romance, homosexuality, divorce, alcoholism, mental illness, unwanted pregnancy, abortion, impotence, addiction, incest, down syndrome, suicide, anorexia, HIV/AIDS, rape, adultery … you name it. Daytime has dealt with it. NO other form of entertainment as so effectively addressed social issues” (Christina S. Beck,, Stellina M.A. Chapman, Nathaniel Simmons, 135). Because soap operas air every weekday, they are able to tell their stories from a unique place of creating suspense everyday. Everyday there has to be a reason for you to turn in tomorrow. And every Friday there has to be a reason to turn in next week. They constantly have to create drama to fulfill the quota of airing almost 250 days out of the year. And to create drama, the writers of soap operas take real issues in society and bring them to the beloved characters we already know and love and grew up with. They use things like abortions and AIDS and HIV to create a lasting impact on characters who have a long history. For example, when Starr Manning from General Hospital lost her baby in a car crash, it was more painful because we as an audience had grown up watching Starr and the actress Kristen Alderson — she had become family. We watched her day in and day out 250 days out of the year. That’s more than I see my own family. So instead, soap opera families become family. That can’t happen on primetime television. Primetime shows are based around the formula of there being a problem that is solved for the most part within thirteen to twenty-one episodes. Soap operas, on the other hand, can have baby switches that last more than half the year. Soap operas air so often that storylines can be given proper timing — pregnant characters can be pregnant for nine whole months. Primetime television simply doesn’t have the time to create such a product based on interpersonal relationships rather than the actual drama itself. These issues have to be personalized and how do you personalize someone when their time on the air is so short? Soap operas, however, can get into the heart of personal-social problems. Personal- social problems “consist of extraordinary circumstances that affect individuals or individual units of society - usually, crises in relationships or health” (Thoman). These problems are about people, and only then become a societal problem after people begin to be affected. The AIDS epidemic being a prime example — people were not interested until it began to effect the people in their community that they cared about. Soap operas talk about the people and the people who are affected and are able to give their time and effort in portraying stories about people and their personal-social problems that audiences can relate to. In conclusion, it is a shame that we as an American society value primetime television more than daytime soap operas because the latter gets to talk about social injustice and real life issues such as AIDS and abortion to educate their viewers. I think that is is truly tragic that audiences are being aged out of daytime when back in their prime, the 1960s-1990s, people of all ages watched. College students were a main part of the age group — both males and females spend their time between classes glued to a television screen (Lemish). And it probably meant a lot more for young impressionable kids living with their parents stigmas about HIV to see teenagers living with the disease. When I started watching One Life to Live in fourth grade, it was because I fell in love with pregnant sixteen year old Starr Manning and her high school friends. I fell in love with the character Shane Morasco and the question of who his father was. I fell in love with the missing baby Sam storyline. It was the storylines about children and teens that attracted a young Nieve to tune in tomorrow. I truly believe that if soap operas put their time and effort into teenage characters again, they will see a resurgence of young fans, especially if the storylines have to do with the social climate of Trump’s United States. Society is begging for a progressive genre on television, and I hope that they soon learn that it has been here all along, waiting, during the day rather than at night.

[archive-idium]

OC rambling | Full information of muse head topic: Barnaby content: -- origin  -- profession, current residence -- relationships -- more on his behavior, personality, mentality -- likes and dislikes, with a tint of +18 information

origin:

✦ There is nothing much to be said on his actual origin, only the fact that he could have been born in 1970s. It could be said from his ability to recall some historical events that he may have or may have not experienced; not to be able to mention perfectly recall fashion trends in few countries that he used to reside in.

✦ It’s a fact that his family are all creatures of water; but had a connection to another sea creature that lived among humans (that was most likely a siren, to begin with) and offered assistance, if they where interested.

The family would do their best to have the siren raise Barnaby so he was capable of adapting himself into the human realm. Of a hassle for years, It came to success. He was able to talk human, specifically -- Russian. A bit of English as secondary language, with basic knowledge of it.

Being the age of child (10-11), he capable of forming himself human legs. While there was work to actually functioning as a human and even learn to walk, he was capable of talking as a human. It have impressed his parents the most, and they supported him during the development and process to adapt to the human realm. While they worried about humans -- They where also fascinated in them to a high degree. Wanting to interact with them; but also choosing their life of sea and wanting to stick to it. They came to the conclusion -- That if their son wanted to live at sea instead to reside in the human realm, they will accept his decision. Loving aquatic parents are supportive of all his made choices. -------------

profession, current residence:

While majority of things have been explained in his biography when It comes to what he has studied, how have he reached to the point of studies among land citizens and how he have chosen the field of mechanics -- There hasn’t been much say to WHY he chose this particular field. You would think a merman would consider a field involved with water? He have considered a profession as an underwater entertainer, he despises the idea of it, in reality. He wasn’t much of a fan of children at the time, well aware that the profession he could take in would involve kids.  What brought to mechanics and pyrotechnics? The interest of solving a puzzle, in a sense. During the year of him studying a his final (and only) year at high school, he has met a companion that would be taking much interest to engineering. While his friend would be focused more on aerospace engineering specifically, the fish’s curiosity has been taken more for mechanical engineering. There was something fascinating about being able to drive mechanical cars with your own two legs. Which was coming from a merman who was taught to walk many years ago from that moment, but It never came to his mind to actually take focus on machinery with wheels. Let alone, be able to drive them. Plus, the fact that he could see that you would have to need to assemble miniature (to large) pieces to form into something that would function? Inner puzzle solver has come to seek for that.  ✦ When It comes to pyrotechnics, the interest was from earlier years -- When he viewed fireworks along with his siren of a tutor. But to see that there was an actual field involved with them? He partook the field just as soon he have graduated from studies as a mechanical engineer. [[ Current residence -- A nicely built, incredibly large garage that has partly functionality as a domain. It does suit him best to live there due to instant availability to assist someone without needing to travel a distance. Not to mention, this garage was the location where he started his days as a mechanic, serving as an assistant before being given a degree. It later escalated to -- Him purchasing the garage himself. To his luck, the previous mechanic had some close relation to his young student (father and son -- like) that he had little struggle to purchase this building. The garage sets into two parts. First part on the left side and built an additional wall for the sake of privacy. The right side of the place has become his work shop. ---------------

relationships;

There isn’t that much to speak of this part -- He has a good relationship with his relatives, has good manners when It comes to respect of adults. An open nature tends to bring him an audience that is drawn by his, semi compulsive natura. Speaking of romantic relationships? He is fairly open to any personality of an individual, with having to be able to adapt to any type. More likely infatuated with people that may present a timid, neutral nature, If not ominous.  ---------------

more on his behavior, personality, mentality

It could be guessed by already that his nature would be incredibly cheerful, if not fiery at times. Appearance wise, It is alone to say enough that he behaves as he presents.

Chaotic at times, friendly, and even then he would show a good nature. During professional conversations he would deem to be more seeking to reassure the other individual to have them comfortable communicating with them.

Although -- There is a minor issue when It comes to his behavior and personality altogether. At times his youthful mentality lead him to be incredibly naive, thus allowing people to take advantage of It, If given the opportunity.

Be it to show Barnaby a bad form or show of influence, or have him be with an unpleasant crowd with ill intentions -- Either towards him, or towards other people.

Additional fact; In the past as he was actually 19 years old [rather his current situation with a false age that does not change with his choice], he settled with few Russian gangsters. He only chose to abandon the group when It began to affect his future.

On a more personal note:

He has adhd [ attention deficit hyperactivity disorder ] , which could be more noticeable throughout knowing him for a longer time. Rather than him having one specific type out of two single options, he has a combination of all options.

Few symptoms are hardly present, the rest are most common If It means with something to lack proper focus or have the inability to be at peace -- Otherwise said, he’s always “running on gears”.

Noticeable symptoms in later time:

✦ hyper focus on a single event/hobby/activity that leads to him abandoning other important activities or events. most extreme focus is given when It has involvement with pyrotechnics

✦ constant movement or restlessness, alternatively -- fidgeting, squirming. this can also be said, that he at times can be incredibly impatient;

✦ sudden distress or no ability to focus. while It is said so simply, this particular symptom can lead to him losing temporary ability to have any remote functionality. at extreme situations, he falls into a panic if he is unable to feel in his own body. [ in other terms, fall into having a moment of denationalization ]

✦ impulsive commentary or action without second thought. 

while this particular mental illness has to associate with having problems of memory, he is rather able to memorize a lot without needing to reassure himself on the information he knows of. since his both professions are something he loves to this day, to struggle with it only comes from the fact of daydreaming or hypersensitivity/moments of numbness.

----------------

likes and dislikes, with a tint of +18 information

liked activities:

✦ swimming. which really doesn’t bring surprise. ✦ building miniature toys on wheels, usually built from scraps. something he does enjoy doing during Christmas time, when available. ✦ badminton. an activity picked up with another aquatic friend ✦ visit available aquatic zoos, or zoos in general. most of the time it’s to see goldfishes of other breeds or reptiles. ✦ exercising, working out. he used to attend gymnastics to be able to maintain more flexibility than he had. assisted a lot when needing to position himself to fix parts of cars during work.

✦ sing. he’s a tad bit shy to sing, though. unless it’s a funny song, to which he doesn’t shy to blurt in a high volume for the sake to annoy someone

liked dishes, beverages:

✦ sushi, which is ironic. ✦ herring. mostly the kind that is in vinegar with sliced onions. ✦ lithuanian cold beet soup ✦ also -- a lithuanian dish. meat -- potato dumplings (” cepelinai “ in Lt.)

✦ elk jerky. the ones that come from a swedish brand ✦ alcohol. mainly the sweet cocktails that have an incredibly high percentage

✦ banana milkshake ✦ ramen ✦ anything other that can be spicy ✦ not a dish, but he loves all sorts of berries. yet to find one that he doesn’t like.

other things that he likes:

✦ gundam robots. robotic figures that you need to assemble from incredibly small parts. while not familiar with the show/s involving these robots, he likes the idea of living machinery.

he is familiar with a show of Neon Genesis Evangelion. something that has been shown to him by a friend from a while ago.

✦ sex. it’s no lie that he is fairly interested in sexual activity when given the opportunity with someone that has shown him a fair share of interest to it. that, or seek for a potential partner he would be interested to be with, and also engage in sexual activity.

preference: can be with anyone who share a similar figure type, or are average. avoids incredibly tall individuals for personal reasons. at times he will consider someone who is a bit above average in ... everything.

women are his least interest, but does not mean he wouldn’t fall for one. will give an exception for height for women -- since he has not met one with a bad connection.

✦ fishes, goldfishes. while wanting to have a hobby to keep aquatic pets, he refuses to do it alone. waiting to seek for someone who could share the interest and start it together;

✦ puzzles. mostly the ones that have a bigger count of pieces and some difficulty to it.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

disliked activities:

-- they are none, to his opinion. he would rather choose to experience a particular thing for one time and see if he would ever try it again.

that, and so far he has not met with an activity that he didn’t grow to like it a bit better than to despise it.

dislikes dishes, beverages:

✦ fast food burgers, fries ✦ bad quality, cheap sushi ✦ anything involved with tomatoes ✦ whiskey, vodka from polish brands ✦ English cheese cakes ✦ buttermilk

other things that he dislikes:

✦ felines, cats. ✦ large dogs, although not afraid

✦ large tanks or military machines. has almost been put at risk by a tank during a historical event in Lithuania from +- 30 years ago ✦ repetitive or periodic noises in a high pitch, volume

✦ large, bulky men. coming from bad experience with them. though will still interact if they show no threat or need to mock him or his appearance.

✦ cigarettes, electronic cigarettes. anything with tobacco ✦ drugs that are not medication. 

[oneweekoneband]

Today’s first guest post is by my friend and fellow The Singles Jukebox contributor Vikram Joseph.

Counting to 15, 20, 30… - Delayed Queer Adolescence and the Songs of Troye Sivan

- Vikram Joseph

On a humid early August evening a few weeks ago, in one of those converted warehouse bars endemic to inner north-east London, I was chatting over drinks with a guy I’d once dated and had last seen in 2014. There was a lot to catch up on, and the conversation ran unexpectedly, rewardingly deep. It became clear that, though we’re both well into our adult lives by any conventional measurement, we’d each changed and grown significantly in the intervening years in a way that films, books and the media seem to suggest happens in your late teens. The idea of delayed adolescence being a common trope for queer people came up, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot since then. Why do those formative years of growth and the exploration of self-identity seem to happen later for us? Is it a delayed phase of development, a prolonged phase, or both? And how is this reflected in the way we interact, the spaces we choose to spend time in, and the art we consume?

***

A recent viral tweet:

“Gay culture is your life being delayed by 10 years because you didn’t start being yourself until your mid-20s.”

At the time of writing, this tweet has 117,000 likes.  Clearly, this is a phenomenon which touches nerves across the spectrum.

To the extent that we can “know” a pop singer through their songs, it seems like Troye Sivan – still just 23, and releasing his second album – has done his growing fairly early on. In just a few years, we’ve heard him go from singing about tentative gay crushes to the fully-realised queer euphoria of his newer songs. And yet, the concept of protracted, stuttering adolescence is crisply, poignantly refracted through his music, and I feel that a lot of his immense appeal to queer people far older than himself can be attributed to this.

***

HEAVEN “The truth runs wild, like kids on concrete.”

“Heaven” deals with the internal struggle for self-acceptance – by no means unique to LGBTQ+ people, but one that everyone who’s grown up on that spectrum will understand intimately, in the form of coming out to yourself. “Without losing a piece of me, how do I get to heaven?” Religion is a useful allegory here, but ultimately a distractor – the duality Sivan is really concerned with here is about happiness. For a lot of us, coming out for the first time feels like a crossroads, where we have to make a choice between one kind of happiness and another, and “Heaven” captures this (false, but very powerful) dichotomy beautifully.

Sivan’s first album, Blue Neighbourhood, hangs heavy with the imagery of suburbia. It’s rich, relatable visual and psychological territory, exemplified in decades’ worth of teen TV dramas and coming-of-age films. Many of us will recognise it as the backdrop to the fraught intensity of that long, tangled conversation with ourselves; the feeling of being on the brink of everything and the precipice of nothing, the intoxicating, paralysing combination of anticipation and dread. Sivan deals with this at 15; for me, I was 20, during university Christmas holidays, back in the dull hum of suburbia. Maybe there’s something about it that gives us the emotional space to plumb the depths of those brave new ideas. “Heaven” conjures this musically as well as lyrically, with a tense two-chord shuffle, close, muffled production, and Betty Who’s guest turn evoking a better angel from the future, reassuring us, beckoning us towards the light. If I’d heard it at 20, or earlier, it would have destroyed me; it might even have accelerated my own journey.

Sivan sings about “counting to 15”, the age at which he came out to his family. There’s something that invariably surprises straight people, when I’ve tried to explain it to them, but will come as no surprise at all to anyone else, and it is this: coming out never stops. Every new environment presents a decision to make and a challenge to face; and while it gets easier (and can often be an incredibly liberating experience), it’s never a formality. The subtler aspect to this is that there is no end-point to coming out to yourself, either. Accepting yourself as a gay person is just the beginning; there follows years and years of figuring out what that means. And I think this lies at the heart of delayed queer adolescence. These are questions of identity that are near-impossible to figure out alone, and many of us aren’t surrounded by other people with the same questions until much later – either due to geography, or opportunity, or not realising how badly we need to be, or maybe all of the above. And so “counting to 15” (or however old we are when we get there) is a countdown to the real start of our lives, rather than to any sort of conclusion.

***

TALK ME DOWN

“You know that I can’t trust myself with my 3 a.m. shadow.”

Queer mental health remains poorly understood and inadequately talked about, both in the mainstream press and in medical circles. Working as a doctor, I’ve witnessed the stigma towards LGBTQ+ patients from other medical professionals – rarely overtly hostile, but often casual, unthinking and pernicious. The mental health charity Mind believe that 42% of gay men, 70% of lesbians and 80% of transgender people experience mental illness; the statistics for gay men are almost certainly an underrepresentation, as men in general are less likely to report symptoms.

Early on in his powerful book “Straight Jacket: Overcoming Society’s Legacy of Gay Shame”, the journalist Matthew Todd runs through an harrowing litany of case studies of young gay people who have lost their lives to suicide, violence and addiction. He then explores the factors behind this, both intrinsic and extrinsic to the gay community, and hones in particularly on the near-universal gay experience of shame (in its many forms) during our formative childhood and adolescent years as a key determinant of depression, anxiety, poor body image, low self-worth, and harmful patterns of behaviour.

On the gorgeous, shimmering ballad “Talk Me Down”, Blue Neighbourhood’s emotional centre of gravity, Sivan sings (possibly from a friend or partner’s perspective) about dark thoughts, struggling for self-acceptance, and, implicitly, ideas of suicide. The accompanying video is high melodrama, but then, so is coming to terms with your sexuality. “I know I like to draw the line when it starts to get too real / but the less time that I spend with you, the less you need to heal” cuts to the heart of the conundrum most young gay people face – desire, and a need to be open and liberated, versus deeply-ingrained feelings of guilt, fear and shame. In his book, Todd argues that these are socially determined but can be overcome, but it’s hardly surprising that it takes a long time to get there – and hence, “normal” emotional development is a protracted experience.

***

YOUTH

“What if we’re speeding through red lights into paradise?”

It’s easy to forget that there are very few conventional pop songs on Blue Neighbourhood. “Youth” (and “Wild”) are probably the closest, but while it might be tempting to read “Youth” purely as a love song, I think its real core lies in escapism, another trope prevalent among (although, clearly, not unique to) young gay people. The imagery is wild and fantastical – “trippin’ on skies, sippin’ waterfalls” – and I distinctly remember writing similar (albeit much worse) songs at 15 or 16, cosmic love songs to no one in particular about things I knew nothing about.

Todd’s “Straight Jacket” has an interesting chapter on how he believes escapism informs archetypal LGBTQ+ tastes in pop, musicals, science fiction, horror and drag. I don’t always agree with the specifics, as I think we’re a broader church than he implies. But it’s hard to argue with the queer impulse for escape, particularly in our years of self-discovery, into spheres where our possibilities are limitless, our own selves freer and more confident, and our fears diminished. It’s maybe a symptom of that delayed development, of more years spent in limbo.  When I listen to “Youth”, it gives me a clean hit of that feeling, particularly in the bridge, with “the lights start flashing like a photobooth” simulated by pulsing, strobe-light synths.

***

MY, MY, MY!

“Let’s stop running from love.”

Bloom, Sivan’s second album, finds him confident, assured and in love. It’s a big step, though not a quantum leap, from much of Blue Neighbourhood, and I’m interested in the in-between.  “Running from love” perhaps gives a little away. It’s hard for us to know how to approach dating, love and sex. Certainly, queer people might feel unconfined by traditional heteronormative conventions or ideals, but equally many of us crave what our straight friends and families have. (It’s important to note that, of course, it’s not one or the other.) I think “running from love” speaks to a queer (and perhaps more universal) anxiety – after what feels like forever waiting for opportunities that feel tantalisingly out of reach, embracing a singular, tangible thing at the expense of all other potential things is terrifying.

Still, this is a dizzy, ecstatic, seductive love song.  The expression “my, my, my” can seem trite in a pop song, but Sivan sells it as breathless disbelief.  Some things are hard-earned.

***

ANIMAL

“No angels could beckon me back.”

And so we come full circle. The religious imagery is no coincidence; on Bloom’s stunning closer, the gorgeous, hazy reverie of “Animal”, we understand the heaven the Troye Sivan managed to reach.

It takes some of us a long time to get there, and the destination is different for all of us. I’m currently reading Michael Cunningham’s classic queer novel “A Home at the End of the World”, in which the character of Jonathan, at 27, tries to navigate the differences between the sort of settled, faintly bleak domesticity of the kind his parents have lived (“the fluorescent aisles of a supermarket at two in the afternoon”) and the often lonely, unfulfilling search for a different kind of home and family in the city (gay literature is fascinatingly fixated on homes and families, albeit often unconventional ones). It resonates with me. As queer people, the usual rules don’t have to apply – the expectations of one milestone and then the next, the pragmatic retreat back into suburbia at 30 – and that presents a different set of challenges.

I believe it’s a double-edged sword. Queer adolescence might be delayed because of our differences in the world, but equally, we are different because of that delayed development.  It informs the way we experience life. Beautiful art is created because of those differences; hell, we might even be lucky enough to create some ourselves. And so, way beyond 15, most of us are still counting, still trying to understand, still discovering ourselves and each other, searching for logical families and people to grow with. No angels could beckon us back.

[myhomeisouterspace]

Let’s Talk [In Memory and...]

Depression has no face. That is something Chester's widow had said in reference to Chester and his battle with depression--and she is absolutely right. Depression has no face. It is just something you see celebrities talk about. It is a mental illness that affects everyone--you and me. By definition: Depression (major depressive disorder or clinical depression) is a common but serious mood disorder. It causes severe symptoms that affect how you feel, think, and handle daily activities, such as sleeping, eating, or working. To be diagnosed with depression, the symptoms must be present for at least two weeks.There are even different forms of depression, which are listed here:

Persistent depressive disorder (also called dysthymia)is a depressed mood that lasts for at least two years. A person diagnosed with persistent depressive disorder may have episodes of major depression along with periods of less severe symptoms, but symptoms must last for two years to be considered persistent depressive disorder.

Postpartum depression is much more serious than the “baby blues” (relatively mild depressive and anxiety symptoms that typically clear within two weeks after delivery) that many women experience after giving birth. Women with postpartum depression experience full-blown major depression during pregnancy or after delivery (postpartum depression). The feelings of extreme sadness, anxiety, and exhaustion that accompany postpartum depression may make it difficult for these new mothers to complete daily care activities for themselves and/or for their babies.

Psychotic depression occurs when a person has severe depression plus some form of psychosis, such as having disturbing false fixed beliefs (delusions) or hearing or seeing upsetting things that others cannot hear or see (hallucinations). The psychotic symptoms typically have a depressive “theme,” such as delusions of guilt, poverty, or illness.

Seasonal affective disorder is characterized by the onset of depression during the winter months, when there is less natural sunlight. This depression generally lifts during spring and summer. Winter depression, typically accompanied by social withdrawal, increased sleep, and weight gain, predictably returns every year in seasonal affective disorder.

Bipolar disorder is different from depression, but it is included in this list is because someone with bipolar disorder experiences episodes of extremely low moods that meet the criteria for major depression (called “bipolar depression”). But a person with bipolar disorder also experiences extreme high – euphoric or irritable – moods called “mania” or a less severe form called “hypomania.”

Depression is not the same for everyone. It is different for each individual who struggles with it. Just so, it happens that Chester Bennington suffered from depression and had been battling it for so long. He fought it as long as he could, but the depression beat him--and he isn’t the only one. There have been stories of people who suffered from depression who have committed suicide, from celebrities like Chester to your average person like your neighbor across the street. However, with just as many sympathizers who know what it feels like to battle a never ending darkness in your head, there are those who simply don’t see depression as a mental disorder. I’ll give you a personal anecdote as an example:I’m twenty-five years old. I have been battling with depression (among other things) for eleven years. Eleven years. My depression was coupled with angry outbursts during school hours because in my family, mental illnesses are considered taboo. Mental illness is something “we don’t talk about” because of the cultural hive mind that mental illnesses are considered a weakness, “trying to get attention”, every dismissal in the book. My only escape was music and it just so happened that I listed to Linkin Park so often with the darkness swirling around in my head. Because of the constant dismissal of mental illnesses like depression in my family, I kept it inside. Listening to the lyrics of the band’s songs resonated so deeply inside of my soul that it felt like Chester was right in front of me and seeing straight into my most private, darkest thoughts that I tried so hard to hide. Even now, I still struggle with explaining that I have depression to my family because for a long time, my own mother refused to see that I needed help. I had tried to commit suicide three separate times within the span of a year, trying to overdose on my pain medications so I could not wake up the next day and finally, finally, be at peace.The only reason I’m still alive is because I made myself go and see a therapist as soon as I was old enough to work and use my own money to pay for it. It is expensive, yes, but for the sake of helping me cope and deal with my own monsters, I’m willing to pay the price that my family has denied me. This brings me to the next part of depression: the suicidal ideations. When people suffering from suicidal ideations talk about killing themselves, do not say stupid shit like “suicide is selfish” and any other thoughtless thing. Suicidal ideations is just as real as depression and should be taken seriously. Do not invalidate the sufferer. Those who suffer from suicidal ideations, whether they see the action to its conclusion or not, feel that their loved ones would be better off without them. The action that many who don’t understand would call “selfish”, the sufferer’s mind believes this will be the most selfless act because they’re thinking of their loved ones. Suicidal ideation symptoms include:

feeling or appearing to feel trapped or hopeless

feeling intolerable emotional pain

having or appearing to have an abnormal preoccupation with violence, dying, or death

having mood swings, either happy or sad

talking about revenge, guilt, or shame

being agitated, or in a heightened state of anxiety

experiencing changes in personality, routine, or sleeping patterns

consuming drugs or more alcohol than usual, or starting drinking when they had not previously done so

engaging in risky behavior, such as driving carelessly or taking drugs

getting their affairs in order and giving things away

getting hold of a gun, medications, or substances that could end a life

experiencing depression, panic attacks, impaired concentration

increased isolation

talking about being a burden to others

psychomotor agitation, such as pacing around a room, wringing one's hands, and removing items of clothing and putting them back on

saying goodbye to others as if it were the last time

seeming to be unable to experience pleasurable emotions from normally pleasurable life events such as eating, exercise, social interaction, or sex

severe remorse and self criticism

talking about suicide or dying, expressing regret about being alive or ever having been born

Depression, like many mental illnesses, must be discussed in seriousness. Don’t ever dismiss the conversation because you believe it doesn’t affect you. You may not be the sufferer, but someone you love could be.  

[jjrichards]

I'm an advocate for mental health. So what is different from autism and mental illness? And should any symptom of Autism spectrum be treated as a mental illness? I tend to disagree slightly with this resolution. In order to treat it properly, we have to be educated on it. There once was a fine line between ASD and those with Autism, but now it is so broad, hence we called it a ”spectrum” disorder.

So firstly, we must classify ASD as a developmental disorder, as it alters communication and behavior. But although it can be diagnosed at any age, although symptoms appear within two years of life.

The Diagnostic of Mental Disorders used to diagnose ASD as a mental illness, but why? There are key features observed with Autism/Asberger’s:

Difficulty communicating and interacting with others.

Having only a scope of particular interests and others’ observation of apparent repetitive behaviors.

Symptoms that are a detriment to one’s ability to perform well in the school, work, and other environments and social events in life.

In the Autism spectrum lies different variations of the type and severity of the disorder, and it spans all ethnic, racial and even socioeconomic entities. It knows no bounds. ASD is a lifelong disorder, but there are treatments/and or services that can alleviate some of it's symptoms and ability to gain function, and social/life skills.

American Academy of Pediatrics suggests that all children be scanned for the spectrum disorder, and cardgivers/ and or parents should initiate a conversation with the child’s pediatrician for screening and perform an evaluation every child as not every child will exhibit all symptoms, but all will have similar symptoms.

The most common symptoms are Social communication / interaction-related behaviors and may include:

Lack of spontaneous eye contact.

An absence of looking at or reacting to people when called upon in response.

Lack of interests in things or objects.

Difficulty with holding a back and forth, even in a simple conversation.

Having an unusual tone of voice that may sound sing-song or flat and robot-like.

Speaking over people when talking about their own interests while not noticing others’ boredom, or interrupting a conversation without hearing others’ rebuttal.

Similar to pschosis, one may possess or execute inappropriate behaviors or expressions from what is being said.

Having difficulty understanding or having empathy and others’ behavioral social cues, or having trouble reading others’ intent.

Repetitive b ehaviors may include:

Echolalia, which is a verbal repetition of speech while repeating words or phrases out loud.

Has a list of intensified interests like numbers, facts, details, and even exuberant hobbies.

Intense interest or focus of moving parts or objects.

Inflexibility of a break in a routine, and severe anxiety in any small changes in that routine, the person may begin to become upset at any interruption.

Being overstimulated (stimming) or underestimated at sensory factors, like light, noise, clothing and any other external discomforts in one's environment.

A person with ASD may have difficulty sleeping and have trouble staying asleep intermittently. Most suffer from irritability, although there are many strengths to Asberger’s, such as:

Learning well, and the propensity to remember details for long-term periods.

Strength in visual and auditory learning.

Scoring above in math, science, art, and music while other areas lagging.

So how is Aspergers or ASD treated?

Most would agree ASD should not be cured, however, therapy and coping mechanisms that are healthy and soothing to the individual. Treatment must begin after diagnosis, as earlier the diagnosis, the earlier the intervention. One must be patient and willing to help the patient to reduce difficulties of everyday life, as well as teaching them new skills and improve their strengths.

Not all ASD diagnoses must be treated the same, as it is individualistic in nature. On the other hand, one must be advised by a medical doctor or professional in health to find the right care/program to treat those with Asperger’s patient better and more customized to their needs.

Medication is not the only answer to curing any mental illness or autism, but it does alleviate a lot of the symptoms, as the imbalance calls for and can help with:

Irritability

Aggression

Repetitive behavior

Hyperactivity

Attention problems

Anxiety and depression

But much like ADHD is uncanny to Asperger’s it can be hard to diagnose in adulthood. But behavioural, cognitive, and group therapy has proven effective as well. Enrolling with a doctor who specializes in behavioural and psychological innovations may be an advisor who can deliver the best care possible and have their patient find better quality of life and obtain their own life skills for a brighter prognosis.

The therapy involves parents, siblings, and/or other members of their family. These programs help with:

Learning life skills to live independently.

Alleviate challenges and behavioural difficulties.

Add to strengths.

Learn and improve language skills and communication social situations.

So, personally, being diagnosed on the Spectrum myself, I find that my diagnosis brought closer to me and my family, although my own mother couldn't come to terms with it. It is different in girls, and harder to detect than in boys. I got diagnosed earlier this year, and I'm 28 years old! But in the 90s Asbergers wasn't prevalent, not even a real form of Autism yet. I don't blame my teachers or mother for not sensing it, even though I felt different from others since I knew what different was! But I also know that there were signs, looking back on some of the common symptoms. But it brings a calm sense of security to know why exactly I am so different...so much so,

I am writing a book about it, called, In a World of My Own! I can't wait to see what impact it has in the Spectrum community, and I hope it sheds some light, that it's okay to be different, and in fact, it can take you very far.

Thank you.

[coupsyboopsy]

BANGTAN THEORY TIME

I have been stewing this over for a couple days now. J-Hope and Jimin’s storylines in this hell that BigHit is putting ARMYs through is actually going to be pretty impactful. So I’m going to share my thoughts on these two. The others are to come.

I encourage you to read it all but there will be a tl;dr/ at the bottom. 

Of course, there are trigger warnings with this topic: suicide, mental illness, terribly antiquated words

First of all, I do not think that this is going to be a bunch of love stories. Maybe a few of them will be (my prediction is probably Yoongi and Jeongguk; I will explain later). J-Hope’s and Jimin’s is not a love story. If it is, I’ll be real pissed.

But first...

J-Hope’s character, as we all know, has been diagnosed with Munchausen Syndrome. Here is the wiki page about it that talks about the signs, symptoms, history, etc.

In his short, he was prescribed a placebo as well. The form that the presumed-doctor (the short was creepy, okay) said that his thought process was “illogical, retarded” and that his mood was “ anxious and... irritable.” These are symptoms of emotional distress, of mental illness, but some of the words aren’t clinical and are judgmental. I feel like the doctor represents not only medical attention but society as a whole. Mental illness isn’t taken seriously in Korea (Here is an interview with actor Gong Yoo talking about his depression; notice how the interview negates everything with a simple, frustrating comment—start about 28 minutes in). The fact that the doctor is using words like “retarded” is shocking because it is an antiquated term in the medical field, and every country relies on the same research and developing terminology. Hobi’s doctor is a reflection of society.

Jimin is in the same place as J-Hope in both Run (the start of the pillow fight in the white room) and in his short. Jimin has been open about some of the things he struggles with. Struggling with image and weight can lead to depression, etc. The bathroom/bathtub in INU seems to be a breaking point in Jimin’s character. I think that if any of the plot lines are along the lines of suicide attempts, it would be Jimin’s (especially as he remains wet in the prologue video and Young Forever). I think it was a failed attempt and he was institutionalized.

In his short, it’s very obvious that he’s in the same area as J-Hope (the picture, the box, and the box’s shadow). His room is dark, there is an empty bed, I think that represents the feeling of being alone and self-isolation that comes with depression and suicidal ideations even if there is someone there. Maybe J-Hope’s character’s case worsened and he was taken away. The assessment that Jimin is going through is with an automated hand, not a doctor. I think this is another representation of society, but in the “acceptable” professions (doctors, lawyers, engineers, etc.). The thing that is supposed to represent Jimin’s doctor, help, support is mechanical. Its not real. Doctors are supposed to help but there is such a stigma with mental illness in Korea (and society in general) that nothing seems authentic when getting help anymore. 

The lyrics for “Caught in a Lie” is also very striking, and we all know that the songs are pretty personal to the boys. Reading the translation and the images from the short are all kind of Biblical in a way (the apple in the video and “don’t be a pray, be smooth like a snake; there are more). A lot of times, mental illness is seen is a “punishment” from God for something. You feel depressed, you must have sinned and not asked for forgiveness. This kind of internal shame is rife. I think that maybe the lyrics might be this exploration out of religious shame and into understanding of yourself and the biology of how a depressed brain works. The chorus of “Caught in a Lie” goes”

Caught in a lie find me when I was pure I cannot be free from this lie give me back my smile caught in a lie pull me from this hell save me I’m being punished

I know that when I was in high school and I was dealing with a lot of anxiety, depression, suicidal ideations, rebellion, etc., I was told that I wasn’t “on track with God” and that I just need to get back to praying, reading my Bible, etc. to “fix” my problems. I think that’s why Jimin’s solo is my favorite because the lyrics are exactly how I felt when I was younger. I think that the mechanical hand might also be a representation of religion on society as well, how it appears to be helpful but it’s restricting and keeps you bound to one place. Jimin is stuck in the same place, the same room, the same walls, and he’s not free. It’s taking away his innocence. 

THOSE ARE MY THOUGHTS OKAY SO NOW TO THE GOOD STUFF

Thus begins J-Hope’s and Jimin’s stories coming together. WOW IT TOOK FOR FUCKING EVER. FORGIVE ME. 

I think that their characters were institutionalized together. They became friends because they suffered similar ailments and you deal with trauma best (Jimin’s trauma is unknown beyond his possible suicide attempt, but issues that prompted his mental state to get to that point is unknown). They healed together and found their own paths outside of the institution. I think that if there is a love plot here, it would be between them. And deep friendship can be true love without the societal idea of what “true love” is. I think that the girl was with them and she helped them heal, as they did for her. 

In the first highlight reel, she gives J-Hope a cake for his birthday, but he says it’s not. I think that she’s celebrating the day he was released from the hospital, the day that this institution deemed him healthy enough to go into society, function well without the need for constant “medical care” to feed his mental illness/state. That’s something to celebrate. 

Note that they all three seemed to have found solace with dance. I think that’s important, I just don’t know how. 

NOW FOR THE BIG ONE: The Flashback™

J-Hope seems to be triggered by closing his eyes. Makes sense. But don’t be angry at his mom for leaving him like that. One, maybe she came back. I doubt it because my idea is that two, she’s a single mom. 

Single moms/unwed moms in Korea are horribly stigmatized. They are actively encouraged to give up their children. These women have hard time finding and keeping jobs because the stigma of a single mother is that bad. 

Here is a National Public Radio article where a Korean woman was adopted at the age of 4 with her twin to an American couple. Years later, when she went to find her mom in Korea, she found out that her grandmother had forged documentation and adopted her granddaughters out while their mother was at work without their mother knowing. That is how bad the stigma is. It’s getting better these days, but it’s still a big deal.

J-Hope’s character’s mom couldn’t provide for him because she was single. “Mama” is J-Hope’s thank you to his mom for sacrificing so much for him and his dream despite everything. His character’s mom did the same thing but in a way that protected him and would give him a chance at life. 

Should she have left him like that? No. But there are so many kids that lose parents because they are homeless and can’t give their kids life, so they leave them at comfortable, fun places like that. In the book “Holes,” Zero’s mom left him at a park that they visited often. It’s a sad and far-more common occurrence than people realize, I think, for parents to sacrifice the love they have for their children in hopes that they have a better life (be it leaving them at a park or signing away their parental rights to a foster family, as what happened with my little brothers). 

J-Hope’s mom made so many sacrifices for his dream. His character’s mom made the sacrifice so that he could have life. The message, I think, is to show that youth and children are a lot more resilient than they get credit for because Hobi did live and make something of himself despite it all. Youth has more strength than anything, I think, and young people can overcome so much... especially together, especially when you find people who understand and accept you for everything you are, mental illnesses included. Healing comes with community. 

Youth comes strength. 

TL;DR/ J-Hope and Jimin were hospitalized together for their mental illnesses. The girl was there too. They helped each other heal with friendship and dance. It is not a love story. It’s a friendship story. Single moms need more support and love in Korea. Mental illness needs more support in Korea and around the world tbh. Society sucks. Youth is strong. 

[tiredbiplantlady]

bipolar ask posted by loloren69 

General:

1. Type 1 or type 2? 

I don’t really know. I could speculate as a psych master’s student, but I don’t feel comfortable making that call. I only know my therapist told me I was bipolar, said I was manic, and described mania to me and specified my behaviors that fell in line with that, no doubt about it, which would indicate bipolar I

2. Self-dx or professional dx? 

Self-suspected, professional confirmed 

3. Are you currently hypo/manic, depressed, mixed, stable, or not sure?

Hypomanic at the least, but it feels like I’m coming down because I’m exhausted for the first time in a while and 6 or 7 days of barely sleeping  

4. Do you have any other mental illnesses/disorders? 

I’ve had a diagnosable form of nearly every anxiety disorder in the DSM at different times since childhood and was diagnosed with various disorders from ADD to dysthymia and adjustment disorder. I consider my only other still-valid diagnosis to be PTSD, but it’s in remission.

5. When did you first start having symptoms? 

In retrospect I’d say the mood problems started around 15, but it got way worse in 2014 and worse still in 2015. the depressive symptoms were out of control and may have been a mixed episode (age 22) 

6. When did you realize/learn that you have bipolar? 

I suspected it briefly as a teenager even though I didn’t know shit about it, but didn’t think about it again until the past year and then the past few months my therapist identified symptoms I described as hypomania and in the last week as mania 

7. Have you ever received a misdiagnosis?

I don’t know if my former diagnoses were necessarily “misdiagnoses” - I think symptoms change over time, new things come up, other things trail off. I think one professional can see symptoms and call it one thing and another professional can call it something else. It’s complicated and subjective. 

8. How self-aware are you on a scale of 1-10? 

LMAO I am the most over-analyzing, self-aware person - easy 9 or 10

9. How many people know about your bipolar disorder? 

Couple people. I’m skeptical about talking about disorders, especially new diagnoses because I’m insecure about what people think because I’ve received several from different professionals, and outside people tend to just see a shifting diagnosis and think I’m making shit up “new year, new diagnosis” always gotta have “something wrong with me” to talk about. Which isn’t how I feel and labels don’t really mean shit, it’s the symptoms and their treatment I care about. A label is just a fast way to describe something complex. sorry it took a while to figure out what was wrong and i went thru many labels before landing here

10. Are any of your family members bipolar? 

Two formal diagnoses/very related diagnoses that I know of (grandma - MDD w/psychotic features, highly likely undiagnosed bipolar based on past behaviors (delusions, hallucinations, yelling on top of a roof, etc. police called, institutionalization), uncle - bipolar I w/psychotic features). some others I suspect, imo

11. Name three fictional characters you relate to and/or headcanon as bipolar. 

Uhhh Ian Gallagher. I’m not creative with this right now and I haven’t thought about this at all. 

Hypo/mania:

12. When hypo/manic, do you get euphoric, dysphoric, angry, creative, social, or several of the above? 

It depends. It seems like I get euphoric, creative and social sometimes, and euphoric, agitated (not angry), and dysphoric other times. But those cluster together

13. What has been your longest hypo/manic episode? 

I think it was from November 2016 to January 2017, so like 3 months, but it was the first “episode” I noted and kept even some track of after the fact. I may have had others in the past. 

14. Have you ever had a psychotic episode? What symptoms did it include? 

I’ve had two depressive episodes that I can specifically certainly note that included delusions (lasted just over a month to two months) of the somatic variety. 

15. What kind of impulsive decisions have you made? 

Where do I start? Over-spending, over-eating, drinking to excess, impulsive risky sex/sexual situations/hypersexuality, getting tattoos/piercings (kinda goes with spending, but I mention it specifically because it’s permanent), long-distance travel without telling anyone where I was going, cheating, lying, not thinking ahead and it hurting people, falling in love, ending relationships, general recklessness and selfishness. I’m sure there’s more and I’m not proud of it in the slightest, so please don’t think I am. 

16. What’s the most money you’ve spent in a single day while hypo/manic? 

$200-300

17. What’s the longest you’ve gone without sleep? 

Period...um. I couldn’t say. Probably 2 with NO sleep and with minimal sleep (3-4 hours) over a week

18. Are you a creative type? Have you ever made a poem/song/other artwork about being bipolar? 

I’m creative, but I don’t write about being bipolar because I never fully considered myself to be so until recently. I’ve written about mood instability and trauma a TON tho. And much of my art work is and always has been about duality, mixed emotions, extremes, and highs/lows. 

Depression:

19. When depressed, do you get suicidal, bored, anxious, guilty, or several of the above? 

It depends, but I’m mostly unmotivated as fuck and empty. I start feeling worthless and unlovable and I hate myself. Sometimes I feel suicidal, but have never attempted and won’t. I’ve self-harmed and planned how to kill myself, but was never intending to do it. I’ve spent the majority of my life in a state of constant anxiety so there’s that, especially when depressed. Irrational guilt and sluggishness are common for me with depression. Once in a while my mood dives along with my energy, but my mind is over-worked and highly anxious, which is when the delusions I’ve had occurred. 

20. What has been your longest depressive episode? 

Fuck...months upon months. I couldn’t tell you. Maybe even a year or more, which is why I was misdiagnosed as dysthymic as a teenager 

21. How do you cope with depression? 

In the past, I didn’t. I suffered massively. Now, I’m still not so great with it. I talk in therapy and I write, but even still I tend to stay in bed and feel numb/mope/distract myself with anything I can. I tend to be able to function enough to go to school because I feel like my life and future depends on it, am anxious as fuck, and do my best but end up with late work, being withdrawn and feeling doomed to fail, believe I’m doing far worse than I am and that I’m awful and don’t deserve to be there

22. Are you a sleep-all-day depressive or an insomniac depressive? Do you overeat or lose your appetite? 

It depends, but in the most recent past, sleep-all-day and overeat. But I’ve been sleep-all-day and no appreciative and I’ve also been insomniac and overeat (2013-14) 

23. When is the last time you cried or had a breakdown? 

Tuesday August 1, 2017 (9 days ago) 

24. Have you ever self-harmed? 

YUP. Razor blades/cutting, punishing binge-eating, starvation, and abusive risky BDSM/relationships/sex 

25. Have you had problems with substance abuse? 

Not really, but I’ve drank a little lately 

26. Have you ever attended AA/NA/etc? 

No 

27. Have you ever attempted suicide? 

No 

28. Have you ever written a suicide note?

Yes, but it was just to get it out. I threw it out after I wrote it. 

Other symptoms and treatment:

29. Do you ever dissociate? 

Y U P 

30. Do you ever have hallucinations? If so, what are they? 

No hallucinations. I’ve thought I’ve heard shit before, but I’m pretty sure it was a fluke and I want to believe in ghosts so. Call me crazy if you want, but what the fuck ever. I’ve had delusions only 

31. Do you see a therapist? Do you feel like it’s helping? 

Yes and yes 

32. Are you on any medications? Do you feel like they’re helping? 

No, not anymore, and I fucking hate anti-depressants, refuse mood-stabilizers and anti-psychotics and maybe want to keep having some anxiety meds

33. Have you ever been hospitalized? 

No, and I want to keep it that way 

34. Have you ever attended group therapy? 

No, but I’ve conducted roleplay group therapy baahaha

35. Have any of your symptoms gotten worse over the years? 

Yeah, I think the manic shit has gotten worse over the last 2 years 

36. Have any of your symptoms gotten better over the years? 

I think the depressive stuff has gotten a little better, or maybe just less frequent  

37. Do you have a favorite coping method? 

What does that mean...healthy or unhealthy...I guess I like meditation and I fucking miss working out A LOT. I like drinking as an unhealthy thing, but I’m sure I’ll hate it as much as I hate binge-eating once it catches up to me if I let it get that far. I’m tired of gaining weight after the 80 pounds I lost, and it’s really fucking with my self-esteem, makes me feel frustrated and sick 

38. If you could choose to be neurotypical, would you?

 No 

[scripttorture]

So I know it’s been mentioned that victims do not change beliefs or are brainwashed when undergoing torture but is it completely impossible for a character to undergo so much abuse that they stop fighting, are resigned, or become more submissive. And I know that this might be a bit out of the torture theme but , would a person undergoing abuse/torture and then being comforted by the villain make them more compliant or the likes. Aka how easily does it take for Stockholm syndrome to show up. Thx

Iknow next to nothing about Stockholm syndrome and questions aboutthat in particular are better directed towards @scriptshrink (who hasanswered questions on it in the past I believe). I don’tthink (based on Scriptshrink’s definition) what you’re describingis Stockholm syndrome.

Torturegenerally makes people much more strongly opposed to the torturer(and often anything related to them) then they were prior to torture.

Thatdoesn’t always mean violent resistance because violence is neverthe only way to resist.

Ithink how possible this is depends on what you mean by ‘submissive’and how long term you’re imagining that state being. Because rightnow this looks to me like it could be edging into… ‘torturesurvivors are broken’ territory.

Alot of torture victims dostopphysically fighting while they’re still captive. There are a lot ofvery good reasons for doing that; for starters a lot of commontortures make victims less physically capable of fighting back. Sleepdeprivation, dehydration and starvation all decrease reaction times,lower strength and increase the chances of someone fainting becausethey moved too quickly.

Andbluntly, trauma doesn’t make people stupid.

Torturevictims are perfectly capable of judging how much danger they’re inand what’s likely to increase that immediate danger. Violentresistance, fighting, usually puts victims in immediate danger. Ifviolent resistance fails at any point, if it’s anything short of acompletely successful breakout and escape, then it means reprisalsand possible execution.

Sometimeseven if it doesresult in a completely successful breakout and escape victims couldstill expect reprisals, aimed against their families, friends or hometown. That’s a fairly common feature of a lot of regimes. It’shappening now with the Uighurs in China; people with relatives abroadseem to be especially targeted. It happened in Syria, with wholefamilies ‘arrested’ when male members were suspected ofsupporting an opposing side. It also happened in Nazi-occupiedEurope.

Forthe vast majority of torture victims violence isn’t going to getthem anywhere. The chances of success are vanishingly slim and thechances of more pain are incredibly high.

Thesituations we’re talking about generally are modern high techprisons. Thevast majority of people do not think they’ll be able to fight theirway out a place like this with their fists.

Inthat context choosingnot to fight can be a smart survival decision. Conversely choosing tofight can be a sign of suicidal feelings.

Nowvictims can and do organise.Organised groups of victims canoccasionally fight successfully. But when you’re talking abouttorture specifically, you’re talking about a group of injured,unarmed, malnourished people successfully taking on a group of wellfed, well rested, heavily armed people who are trainedto fight.

Thereis one undisputed successful slave revolt in history: Haiti. And Ithink that number illustrates just how difficult it is for victims‘fighting’ to be successful.*

You’retalking about people without proper clothing going up against peoplewith guns and Kevlar. When those are the odds fighting is usually notthe best option for any individual victim.

Butequating a lack of fighting with a lack of resistance is a veryblinkered view. I think equating a degree of compliancewith a lack of resistance is also a mistake.

Alotof victims pretend to give in and comply over some things as aconscious strategy. It can give them better opportunities to escape,better chances of survival in the short term and better opportunitiesto sabotage the torturers’ operation.

Peoplewho ‘gave in’ under torture have been some of the most successfulspies and saboteurs in history. This is not violence. It is, in theircontext, a more effective way of resisting.

They’vealso been key witnesses in virtually every trial for crimes againsthumanity I can think of.

Cantorture make people seem‘compliant’? Yes. But this is a sham.It’s short term. It’s unreliable.

Victimscan manifest symptomsthat make it more difficult for them to resist in a material way.Depression to the point of catatonia, coupled with forced labour andstarvation does stoppeople taking up arms.

Butit doesn’t stop them refusing to work. It doesn’t stop thembreaking equipment. It doesn’t stop them purposefully doing as poora job as possible. It doesn’t stop them from committing masssuicide.

Thoseare all strategies that people in forced labour situations have used.

Andthere is absolutely no wayfor a torturer to control what symptoms any victim manifests. It ischance. It can’t bepredicted. Hence they can not control whether or not a victim ends inthis state.

Thenthere are the more inventive things people have come up with. There’sthe Chinese man who hid letters in the decorations he was forced tomake. There’sthe American, HenryBox Brown, who posted himselfin a box to the free north.

Thisis not ‘submission’.

Weare resilient, resourceful creatures with an immense capacity forsurvival and recovery.

Barbarismdoes not make people obedient. It canmake people comply over the short term. It can make people wait forthe moment when their personal chance of success is highest. It canmake people go along with things that don’t contradict their moststrongly held beliefs.

Butit fundamentally can’tchange hearts and minds.

Therewill always be things people would rather die then do. Mostpeople would not rather die then put on a uniform, or engage in asimple repetitive task like cutting stone. But the more complex thetasks victims are forced to engage in the more opportunities forresistance they get and the higher the chance of their oppressorsjust failing.

Ifyour story is entirely based around the idea of a character beingtortured and hencebecoming entirely subservient to the torturer- then what you arewriting is unrealistic andit is torture apologia.

Iknow that my two posts on torture survivors aren’t particularlypopular compared to most of my Masterposts, but there’s a reasonthey’re up there. It’s to showcase exactly how different thereality is to this myth. This myth that favours the lies of torturersabove the lived experience of victims and is used to justify andcondone atrocities.

FelaKuti was beaten so many times over the course of his life that it’sthe likely cause of his death. The military government he clashedwith so may times attacked his family, his friends and his home. Theymurdered his mother. They raped and mutilated his friends.

Felawrote songs about it.He marched his mother’s funeral procession up to the biggestmilitary barracks he could find in one of the most populous cities inhis country and left her coffin on the steps.

RonaldSearle drew his experiences as a POW in Japanese camps. He drew thedeaths of his friends. He drew the torture of other prisoners. Hedrew his own emaciated, sick, starved, over worked body.

Hedid this knowing thathe could be killed for these drawings.

Helldid you hear what Bobi Wine had to say a few days after beingtortured? He’d been flown out to America for specialist medicaltreatment. He couldhave stayed put. He couldhave stayed silent. He could have done the safe ‘submissive’thing.

He’sback in Uganda now.

Bywhat measure does this look ‘submissive’?

Becausefrom everything I’ve read this is the normnot the exception. This quiet opposition.

Yesvictims can ‘comply’ in some short term sense; Searle didn’trefuse to work when ordered. He knew that if he did he’d be killedand he saw his duty as bearing witness.

Yesvictims can despair; that is a symptom. But treating that as the onlyemotion survivors can experience is a gross misunderstanding ofmental illness. It is treating survivors as if they are incapable oflife and growth, as if they are already dead.

Asthings stand what you’re suggesting is a fantasy. And it’s onethat’s usually used to demean survivors.

Thinkabout whether your story needstorture. Think about what it’s adding to your story beyond theseunfortunate implications.

Thinkabout why this story,this pattern appeals to you. What draws you to this story? What’sinteresting about it?

Becausethe chances are that the bit you feel is the core, the interestingbit, can be achieved in a different way. Itmay take a little more inventiveness to find that but it’spossible.

*Recentevents make me feel as though I should stress that this dependsheavily on your definition of ‘success’. The enslaved people ofBrazil did not drive their colonial oppressors out of the country asHaiti did. But the establishment of Palmares and the dozens, hundredsof other towns and cities as separate states within states stands asits own form of success.

Disclaimer

[mhagnolia]

avpd asks by @acevoidant

i thought this might be a good (?) activity to better understand myself. i’m definitely on the road to recovery but i had a sad episode today and found avoidant tags on tumblr. 

1. how did you find out about avpd? on my fifteenth birthday, i knew i should be happy, but, the whole day i couldn’t stop thinking about my mental space. i think this is one of my symptoms, constantly trying to rationalize and fix my mental state rather than confront the pressing behaviors that cause this (my avoidance). i got ready for bed but i wanted to know what was so wrong that i could never have a normal day. i stopped assuming it was depression, anxiety, ocd, schizophrenia, etc. and considered the next thing i had heard of but never checked: personality disorders. after reading about the criteria for avpd, i found it was strikingly similar to my experience in a way no other disorder has. in short, i guess i just tried searching for an answer for the umpteenth time and found it.

2. are you professionally diagnosed? nope. i don’t know if i really need to be; for me, right now, it’s best if i figure this all out on my own.

3. what age do you think you started having avpd symptoms? my first memories of avpd like symptoms are from second grade when i was about 8 years old. we were let out of the classroom to go to the bathroom and i didn’t want my friends to walk before me (lil meanie) and my teacher called me back into the classroom. i don’t really know what the proper reaction to this is but i went back to my seat, muttered to myself how i was such a bad student, and pulled my hair tie onto my wrist to hurt myself.

4. do you have other mental illnesses? Does avpd complicate these illnesses? If so, in what way? in truth, in truth, in truth, i’m not that sure. i feel anxious often like when i wash dishes or share an opinion but i don’t think its too debilitating. my anxiety is usually just fuzzy chest feelings i get every so often. depression is questionable, but right now, i’m definitely facing a dysfunction that i so often associated with depression (slipping grades, losing sleep, not eating). i believe that my avpd sort of trumps any other mental issues i face and makes my relationship with them much more complex i.e., “i don’t deserve a community/a common place”; “i deserve less than depression”.

5. what do you do to deal with loneliness? i guess busy myself. i never find myself actually reaching out to others.

6. what do you do to deal with depression? if i knew i wouldn’t be writing this.

7. what do you do to deal with anxiety? hmm, i guess try to reason myself out of it? my anxieties usually deal with forces outside of myself, so, it’s much easier to rationalize it. i try to think of my blossoming self growth, my goals, my dreams, and the trust i have in others.

8. if you experience dissociation, what is that like for you personally? i don’t believe i’ve ever experienced dissociation. i think i sometimes do experience depersonalization, though.

9. were you ever misdiagnosed? if so, which mental illness were you misdiagnosed with? how did that affect your treatment? never been diagnosed

10. do you have a safe person? i’ve told my mom i believe i have avpd but we don’t do much about it and i’ve only talked to her about on maybe three occasions. i find a lot of solace in my mom’s side of the family and when i’m with certain cousins i find that my minds quiets and i become a bit of a different person :).

11. have you ever been hospitalized? Ii you have been hospitalized, what was it like and did it help you in any way? never been hospitalized

12. what is your advice to someone who is considering hospitalization or is about to be hospitalized? i don’t think i would really recommend it for anyone dealing with a mental disorder if you don’t pose to a danger to yourself or others. however, honestly, i’m not really versed on what actually occurs in a psychiatric hospitalization. it just doesn’t seem like a positive or pleasant experience that would help,

13. have you ever been in residential treatment? if so, what was it like and did it help? never received treatment

14. what is your advice to someone who is considering residential treatment or is about to start residential treatment? same as above

15. what is your advice to someone who has just been diagnosed with avpd? not sure, i don’t think i could allow myself to muster anything. i guess just find help, whether in a medical respect or in a social respect.

16. who do you look up to that influences your personality/way of thinking? what personality traits/ways of thinking have you taken on because of them? anyone who is materially or emotionally successful, definitely. i find myself often trying to internalize others’ kindness, helpfulness, work ethic, passion, etc. it’s a culmination of different books characters, movie characters, online “personalities,” friends, relatives.

17. who did you look up to when you were young (real or fictional)? i don’t really know, no one really comes to mind in particular.

18. how have you changed since you were first diagnosed? never been diagnosed, however, since i somewhat found my “answer,” i’ve certainly been a lot better than before. whether that has to do with my initial discoveries isn’t clear to me but i am surely better than before.

19. what are some things related to your avpd that you still want to work on? ahaha, everything? the disorder still affects me in the same way than it did at my peak, just to lowered degrees.

20. how are you feeling right now? What is currently influencing your mood? i’m alright rn, we just went to a few parks and walked around different vistas. i had hoji cha bubble tea and i’m feeling ok.

21. do you have any friends with avpd? Ii so, how is that friendship different than friendships with people who do not have avpd? i don’t believe i have any friends with avpd.

22. favorite songs to listen to when you’re in a bad mood? right now it’s ribs by lorde, streetcar by daniel caesar, less and less by maltese, and a story playlist i made for a wattpad fanfic. if i’m in a bad mood and i want to feel better i listen to adam melchor.

23. what do you do to get yourself through a breakdown? i listen to music, watch particular youtube videos, read!!!, or journal.

24. what are your top 3 healthy coping skills? i’m not really sure, i guess breathing, taking a break, and preventing anger/blaming.

25. do you channel your pain into any art forms such as drawing, singing, poetry, etc? “channel pain” lol. i guess i do.

26. are you more of the type to isolate and avoid others or need to be with people all the time because you’re afraid to be alone? isolate

27. are you more of the type to overshare too much personal information or keep too much of yourself a secret out of fear of rejection? definitely keep to myself

28. does avpd affect your appearance? for example, do you change your hair or clothing style frequently? ah, no way. i’ve been 200% better about this recently but a few years ago, i was afraid to wear new clothes and change hairstyles.

29. what keeps you alive? everything and everyone. i love the world, a lot.

30. how open are you about having avpd? maximum security >:( unless you’re my mom. but then again, i think talking about a daily dysfunction-ing disorder twice in about five years isn’t all that much haha.

31. when starting a new relationship, when do you usually think it’s the right time to tell your partner you have avpd? i don’t know if i could start an honest and genuine relationship with someone if i didn’t let them know beforehand. but this could change.

32. do you listen to any songs that perfectly describe how you feel as a person who has avpd? not perfectly but i love first love, late spring by mitski, eartfquake by tyler, the creator, sense by tom odell, if i’m being honest by dodie, why by bazzi, cursive by billie marten, and listen before i go by billie eilish. music wise (not really lyrically) is the entire submarine ep by alex turner, only ones who know by arctic monkeys, singularity by bts, bad religion by frank ocean, and here’s an obscure one: bran-new lovesong by the pillows.

33. were you more of an innocent quiet child or a trouble maker growing up? innocent! i always followed rules.

34. are there any coping skills you want to try that you haven’t yet? coping skills are not really things apart of my routine. sounds like it would be good but i’m just trying to get to college.

35. are you currently in recovery? if so, how is that going for you? i would say yes! it’s going alright, some more lows than highs, but i’m insurmountably grateful for all of my highs.

36. what keeps you motivated? my dreams of becoming a writer/creative/academic and my personal responsibility to stay true to my identity.

37. name five qualities you like about yourself. sorry, this isn’t really a question i’m comfortable answering.

38. do you journal? if so, does it help you cope? yes! though it does help me in a stoic way, like meditation, it also helps because i’m really passionate about all forms of writing.

39. list some of your favorite avpd blogs. i have none; probably won’t ever have one.

40. how do you handle social interaction? i’m pretty good at leveled social interaction and i’ve gotten over my awkward quirky stage of adolescence (i think) lol. anything super deep is difficult for me, though. i almost never have heart to heart’s with anyone anymore.

41. are there any quotes/lyrics/etc that resonate with you? i already have a list of my favorite lyrics so here: “I leave you broken and shaking / but you still call me baby” “Please hurry leave me / I can't breathe / Please don't say you love me / 胸がはち切れそうで / One word from you and I would  / Jump off of this / Ledge I'm on / Baby” “You're the sun, you've never seen the night / But you hear its song from the morning birds / Well I'm not the moon, I'm not even a star / But awake at night I'll be singing to the birds” “She said: He might just be a big story / But there's more to life than truth” “in a foreign place / the saving grace was the feeling / what it was the heart he was stealing” “some people think its supposed to hurt / like it couldnt be real / if its putting you first” “its a hail mary / i bet it all that you dont want to see me now / but ill take my shot in the dark / for you” “Don't leave, it's my fault“ concerning quotes, i have none, but aza holmes’ monologue toward the end of turtles all the way down by john green when she’s hospitalized made me sob, really cry. i’ll always remember it as when one of the first times i’ve really felt seen and completely understood. i considered ocd for a bit because of this monologue.

[healthwomeninfo]

New Post has been published on Health Womens

New Post has been published on http://health-womens.com/how-to-take-control-in-the-battle-against-depression-4/

How To Take Control In The Battle Against Depression

Depression is a condition and must be treated as much. Talk to your doctor if you think you suffer from it.The tips contained here will also help you to find ways to cope with your depression.

Get some sun every day. Research shows that not getting a proper amount of sunlight can make people more depressed.

There are many natural remedies that you can pick up from your local health store.Try something like grape juice or St. It will be help you and it is much cheaper than the more common prescription medicine.

TIP! Your depression might be affected by your diet to a greater extent than you are aware of. Poor diet can have a negative effect on how you process thoughts and keep you depressed.

Antidepressants can be very helpful in restoring the imbalance of your brain. However, such medication is only a step towards healing, you must also exercise and take part in therapy.

Diet is an important factor in your symptoms of depression. Eating a lot of over-processed foods that contain too many chemicals can actually have a negative impact on brain functioning, which just resumes the depression circle you are tired of running in. Stay away from foods that are high in fat and learn more about nutrition to adopt a diet that is healthy.

TIP! If you know what depresses you, then every effort should be put forth to change that. Say you feel depressed because you are in poor physical condition.

For example, if you feel that you aren’t in the best shape and is makes you feel blue, you should do whatever is necessary to prove those thoughts are wrong. Get on a treadmill as soon as possible and get some exercise.

You need to know that depression does not going crazy. Depression is an actual mental illness and should receive similar respect as any other disease. Your body is letting you know that something is off; it may be negative emotions or a chemical imbalance. Depression is when your body telling you it’s overwhelmed.

Decorate your home in a cheerful and pleasant manner. This will make you to naturally feel happier right away.

Music can be very therapeutic, but keep in mind the kind of music you are listening to. Don’t listen to music that makes you feel anxious or reminds you of sad memories. This music will cause you remember bad feelings mentioned in the song.

TIP! Get yourself a new hobby if you are starting to feel depressed. Not only is taking up a new hobby fun, but it keeps your mind away from your depression.

This is true for just about every type of art, because getting involved with them could be a good way for you to learn to deal with any hard times.

Try writing in a journal or diary if you are feeling depressed or suffering from long-term depression. Getting out in a tangible form can help to relieve some of the feelings associated with them. The journal can also be useful for determining if there are any particular items that trigger your depression.

TIP! When you feel depressed, your first instinct may be to hibernate, but socializing can actually be a great way to bring you out of the blues. If you put yourself around others that enjoy you, they can help you feel like you’re not as depressed, even if it’s just for a short amount of time.

When you are depressed, you can retreat further into yourself and avoid social activities, but the truth is, keeping those social appointments are actually the key to feeling better. If you are surrounded by those who love you, you’ll have your mood lifted, even if it’s just for a short amount of time.Having things to do can help to keep your mind off of what is causing your depression.

It is helpful to know as much as you can about your depression.Depression can affect both mental and your body. This chemical imbalance may cause the effects of depression. Anti-depressants can be used to combat this effect, and for this reason are prescribed for those with depression. There are natural methods which can boost your serotonin levels. Stay away from stimulants, such as alcohol and caffeine, exercise, and practice healthy eating habits.

Take small steps and make progress as you notice changes. Taking steps in a much slower manner helps you deal with the feelings that are best for you.

Many of the foods you typically eat in modern society are loaded with toxins. These can negatively impact your body and mind. One way to keep these things out of your diet is to buy fresh organic foods. There are many different organic options available today.

Millions of people suffer from depression. However, there is no reason for you to continue suffering. Once you use these tips, you will be on the road to recovery.

[mikeyd1986]

MIKEY’S PERSONAL BLOG 130, November 2018

Last Saturday afternoon, Mum and I visited Narre Gate Medical Center. Over the last few days, the symptoms and side effects of my medication transition has gotten progressively worse and I made the decision to take a couple of days off work as I didn’t feel fit enough to be there. My regular GP wasn’t working and so I had to take a chance and hope that Dr. Rina Dela Cruz Sangalang would take my mental health and medication issues seriously. http://www.narregatemedicalcentre.com.au/

It wasn’t surprising that we had to wait nearly an hour and a half to see her but the receptionist’s attitude towards this fact really wasn’t helping matters. Still I feel like it’s a waste of time and energy to complain. Instead I just caught up on reading my book and occasionally pulled my phone out to scroll through Facebook posts. Having my Mum there for support definitely helped as my brain was still pretty foggy and I have confidence issues when it comes to seeing a doctor that I’ve never met before. Thankfully, Dr. Rina was worth the wait. https://www.healthshare.com.au/profile/professional/178711-dr-rina-dela-cruz-sangalang/

After explaining my situation, she advised that I may have signs of Serotonin Syndrome (though in my opinion, I feel that’s highly unlikely) and recommended that I stop taking the Sertraline (Zoloft) tablets completely and continue taking the Escitalopram (Lexapro) at 5mg for the next few days. She took my blood pressure and the results were normal. She also wrote me up a referral to Casey Hospital should my symptoms get worse as well as a medical certificate for work. Whilst all that may sound pretty extreme, I do believe that she had good intentions behind it. https://www.webmd.com/depression/guide/serotonin-syndrome-causes-symptoms-treatments#1

I feel relieved that she at least took my concerns seriously and didn’t palm me off to my psychiatrist or worse not believe me. I’m hoping that this solution will work and eventually the side effects will gradually reduce in severity. Like anything, I just have to be patient and take things one day at a time. Withdrawals from a previous prescription medication are quite common and my body is still in the process of adjusting to the new one. https://www.healthline.com/health/mdd/switching-antidepressants

On Monday morning, I caught up with my mental health support worker Seb at Jamaica Blue Cranbourne. Three sessions in, I feel like it’s getting a lot easier to be comfortable and open with my support worker. I decided to try a different approach, asking Seb about how experiences with mental health issues to essentially form a foundation. He mentioned that he’s had depression and anxiety in the past as well as agoraphobia, which is the fear of leaving your own house. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/conditionsandtreatments/agoraphobia

He also told me that his mother worked as a psychiatric nurse and many of his friends have engaged in counselling and mental health services. And from that information, I feel much more at ease and reassured knowing that he’s got a firm basis in mental health problems. Discussing my own personal issues from recent medication transition and side effects to anxiety triggers and work-related stress, environmental pressures and sleep problems. https://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/health/ServicesAndSupport/types-of-mental-health-issues-and-illnesses

In that regard, he is very supportive, understanding and sympathetic. It’s still socially awkward at times but it is getting easier and sitting next to the window inside the cafe provides a nice visual buffer. It’s also nice to talk about casual things like television shows, movies, shopping and the weather outside as well as having a laugh which is always important to do. https://www.gaiam.com/blogs/discover/7-health-benefits-of-laughter

On Monday night, I attended a HIIT Power small group training session with Cinamon Guerin at CinFull Fitness. After spending the last couple of days in recovery mode, I was determined to get back into some physical exercise again as I haven’t been for a few weeks. Whilst the usual barriers were there (profuse sweating, fatigue, racing heartbeat, getting easily breathless), they didn’t stop me though I was also being mindful of my limitations. Of course I made a joke about how much I sweat and will most likely need a beach towel during summer when I’m working out.

It’s frustrating when you have so much potential but physiologically things stop you and force your body to rest. Still overall I did really well tonight. We were doing 5 rounds of one minute duration movements including: skipping, med ball slams, weighted squats, overhead press, plank holds, push ups, sit ups, alternating lunges, step jumps, alternating step lunges, kettle bell swings. Certainly a full range of movement right there and it was tough but I was determined not to give up. The Energizer Bunny is back!

On Tuesday morning, Mum and I attended the Morning Melodies social function at Balla Balla Community Centre in Cranbourne East. There was the usual attendance of regular seniors, aged care residents, people with disabilities and palliative care nurses as well as entertainer and singer Vicki Lee. The songs she chooses to cover never fail to fill me with joy and positivity such as Johnny O’ Keefe’s Sing Sing Sing, Roy Orbison’s Penny Arcade and Meatloaf’s Two Out Of Three Ain’t Bad.  

But things took a turn for the worse when Mum took me out to McDonalds Clyde North as my depression seemed to cloud over. It was most likely a result of having poor quality of sleep, feeling fatigued and irritable, adjusting to my new medication and the humid windy weather outside. I’m learning to be kind and gentle toward myself during these rough mental states but it is so far from being easy to deal with.

At the time, I just wanted to cry and have a mental breakdown in front of Mum because it feels like everything is going out of control in my life. So many aspects of my life just feel like unknowns: my job, my friends, my mental health and physical fitness, my goals and my plans for the future. But it was more I was just having a shit day and I just needed to go home and rest up in bed. https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

On Tuesday night, I went to a Body Combat class with Cinamon Guerin at YMCA Casey ARC in Narre Warren. A weird thing seemed to come over me tonight in that I was fully engaged and even confident during tonight’s class. It’s weird because I haven’t been to a Combat class in weeks and yet all the movements and combos just flooded back into my body like a memory. https://www.siphilp.com/les-mills-bodycombat-77-music-track-listing.aspx

It’s one of the reasons why dragging myself to the gym is worth it because most of the time I walk away from the workout feeling lighter, more clear headed, more positive and very very sweaty! Considering how depressed and sleep deprived I’ve been feeling lately, these are the kinds of benefits that I need on a regular basis. https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/10-benefits-of-exercise

Of course there were still a couple of tracks where I found myself being rusty and uncoordinated, particularly the one involving Zumba-like dance movements and a long sequence of squat and lunge pulses which burned like hell. But I pulled through it and my “never say die” attitude remained in tact. https://www.lesmills.com.au/bodycombat

It was also really humbling to see a few past members in the class actually remember me and acknowledge me. I guess it’s one of those anxiety-driven worries that you assume you’ll be forgotten if you haven’t been to a group fitness class in weeks but the opposite is true and it’s always a big esteem booster for me. As always, Cinamon continues to make these Combat classes heaps of fun and not too serious whilst making sure everyone is putting in 110% effort.

On Thursday morning, I decided to do a workout at the YMCA Casey RACE Health Club gym. I was feeling tired, irritable, restless and unmotivated so it really shouldn’t have come as a surprise that getting myself to Casey Race took a tremendous effort. On arrive, my body was desperately craving for a coffee. The cafe at the entrance was moderately packed with people but they didn’t look especially busy. My mistake!

When I walked up to the counter, I had to wait for a few minutes as there was a line of coffee orders to get done. That was perfectly fine by me and yet the wait felt excruciatingly uncomfortable for some reason. Still I tried hard to be my normal patient self. I ordered myself the usual regular latte with one sugar and full cream milk. No issues there. I decided to take a seat and wait to get called up.

The crowd began to thin and so I was about to keep an eye out for when my coffee would be ready. Fifteen minutes later, everyone else’s coffees were done and it clicked that they had forgotten my order. I really didn’t have the energy, assertiveness or desire to go back up to the counter again and so I left the cafe without my coffee. The good news is that at least I decided to still workout for a while, jumping on the upright bike and treadmill.

Whilst this reads like a “poor me” story, this was enough to trigger my depression and put me in a really bad mood. And the worse thing is that it’s so irrational to feel like this. Look back, I’m sure that they didn’t deliberately forget to make my coffee but unfortunately my brain was in such a fog and clouded with thoughts like “I guess it’s just not my day today”. I’m learning to not let one bad experience ruin my entire today but having mental illness, it’s like asking me to “just get over it”. It’s not that simple and never will be.

On Friday afternoon, I attended the The Melbourne Disability Expo held at the Melbourne Convention and Exhibition Centre (MCEC). Being my first at this convention, I really didn’t have any expectations at all and just gave it a casual approach. I brought my Mum along for support which meant that we were both clock-watching as she had to get back before 3pm for work. But that was fine. Honestly I get myself easily restless and drained at these types of events so I can only handle 1.5-2 hours at the most.

We listened to an NDIS National Disability Insurance Scheme presentation on the main stage which sadly wasn’t really relevant to my case but it was still very informative. Then I began targeting specific services that I thought would hopefully fit my needs and goals on the NDIS plan. My first stop was Autism Spectrum Australia (Aspect), which makes sense considering I have a diagnosis of High Functioning Autism. I am considering applying for the Aspect Employment mentoring program which could be a positive thing for me.

Next we looked into Everyday Independence who specialise in Speech Pathology, Physiotherapy and Occupational Therapy. I was pretty hesitant approaching the two ladies at the booth but I decided to give them my contact details anyway. JobCo Employment Services & NDIS is an NDIS provider which specialises in mental health issues and can provide counselling services and employment opportunities. Finally, Afford are a disability services support agency which can offer me shared accommodation and independent living.

I think the most difficult part of attending any expo, convention or festival is that high anxiety factor from dealing with other people. I’m very much confronting that salesperson phobia head-on with many reps turning their attention towards me as I’m walking past their booths. It’s extremely nerve-wracking and intimidating for me especially when I don’t have the social confidence to know exactly what to say and what questions to ask these people.

And yet I still went ahead, got out of my comfort zone and did it. I’ve collected a whole bunch of information brochures, flyers, pens and business cards to look back on. Hopefully I’ll be able to use more of my NDIS funding and engage with these services over the next 8 months into 2019 and have a clearer understanding of exactly what I want out of my life. https://www.melbournedisabilityexpo.com.au/