#it just is scary and hard to think about esp because i have trauma w being stalked offline as well as online in other instances

[ankhisms]

eughhhghhh

[moomeecore]

hey, i hope this isnt rude, but i value your thoughts on betty (and simon!) and i think about your various analytical pieces often.

so i hope this isnt too vague, but. ive been thinking about the ways betty and simon might differ from each other, specifically in the way they view...everything. do you think one of them has a 'sees the big picture but misses the small details' view and the other has a 'gets lost in the details, cant see the big picture' view? im not sure if they differ here, or if they are both the 'gets lost in the details' but going opposite ways...?

FINALLY getting around to awnsering this. i got sick so it took me even longer than i thought it would (had to wait until i could retain coherent thoughts)!!

Ok So, a lot of this is extrapolating (esp for betty) and goes very into more of a headcanons and Personal Interpretations area than a, like, canon analysis. in part bc the show dosen’t give us a ton of content of these characters (i mean, there’s plenty of simon content as ice king but im talking about pre and post ice king simon here). but yea im just gonna ramble. dont take this super seriously btw guys. again a lot of this is just personal Interpretation yknow

SO i think simon is definitely a “gets lost in the details guy”. at least like, overall. that man overanalyzes things until he goes into a state of paralysis and then he just passes out. in some ways he might better about this post being-freed-from-the-curse, on the basis of "had to survive the apocalypse by thinking on his feet", but also worse about it bc of the lasting impacts of having been ice king. because one of the Big Things about ice king is that he almost never thought anything through and just did things as soon as he thought of them. i think simon probably really wants to be Not Like Ice King and so might be scared of making choices too fast or acting too impulsive. i imagine he’s very worried about behaving like ice king and thats something thats in the back of his mind most of the time, impacting his confidence in his own choices & actions. but also f&c sorta shows that he has that issue of trauma responses causing him to have emotional outbursts and make quick decisions. so thats something to keep in mind.

i think he's, like stuck in a state of being scared to do things without thinking really hard abt them but then sometimes he does that and then he usually regrets it and feels really awful afterwards. not always guilty-awful even. f&c seems to show him feeling angry a lot. to me simon deals not just with guilt over being ice king or recovering from being ice king or Having strong reactions to things or making choices he regrets… but also with Anger At The Situation - a lot of feeling confused and not sure what to do and overwhelmed, i think . (i like that they let him be angry and frustrated, not just sad and depressed. i think this is very realistic to trauma related emotional responses)

the other thing abt simon is he tends to follow other people's lead on a lot of things. i think he just likes not having to deal with the pressure of making decisions. he seems more inclined to lead around f&c than around, like, finn, though. and betty. but i think that’s in part because he was taking on a protector role w them. but yeah. he does a lot of crazy shit in f&c but very noticeably does not really act as a lead decision maker. until they get to the vampire world and they get attacked for a second that man is yelling orders and breaking a chair over his knee and pulling out a pocket knife to carve it into a stake lighting fast. which i loved that. i loved that he gained so much confidence from being in Panic Mode when confronted w vampires Because those where something he had to deal with in the apocalypse when raising marcy. he had to know what to do for marcys sake. other than that tho he's usually making suggestions at most. and agreeing to do scary crazy shit lmao . EXCEPT he decides on his own in secret to try and contact golb . hehe (motivated by wants to see his wife)

(it also seems like when he feels more confident in something he's much more capable of making choices. (makes sense) he wasnt paralyzed by anxiety when going on that research expedition with betty, probably because he was literally getting a phd (or had a phd, the show was so weird abt that) in that subject. makes sense he knows what he's doing. and also is interesting bc in ep2 of fionna and cake when he goes on an Adventure with finn he's very scared and nervous, but then talks about how he "used to be quite the adventurer in [his] day", which fits into the theme f&c had w his character where he feels out of place and less confident bc his whole ass profession isn't really relevant anymore, and everything is so different from how it used to be. so yeah. current simon has even less self confidence and confidence in his own decision making than Back In The Day simon bc of that)

id like to say that…. i think that the fact that it took betty only a few years to summon and eldritch god to free simon from his curse meanwhile it took simon 12 years to get to the point where he kidnapped a guy to use in a summoning ritual to talk to betty is interesting. bc i really do think they both love each other, and are both obsessive and co dependent. but betty went off the deep end so fast, meanwhile simon took a lot longer to do something comparatively Less Evil for betty. i think that a lot of this is because simon is just less confident in his choices, more nervous about making decisions, and *slower* at making decisions. in part because of a obsessive focus on details (i also think a buncha other stuff contributed to the difference in how long it took betty vs simon to do differing levels of fucked up shit for eachother but Yeah that’s the relevant part.)

i wouldn't say betty is a "think about the big picture, ignore the details" person though, necessarily. maybe compared to simon she is, but she's still a huge fucking nerd. she's an academic! to me she's someone who takes issues and situations that are more subjective and translates them into concretely structured language in order to guide herself through what actions she should take (my friend responded to this with “so what youre saying is betty took a philosophy class and was like ‘aw yes! Math!’” and yeah that is exactly what im saying)

i feel like canon sort of implies this, and definitely doesn't Not Imply It, but i also think canon didn't flesh out her character very well, so in a lot of ways im making my own assertions. but i think she's the type of person who likes to view things in ways that are ....not necessarily less complicated, but more concrete? like she can handle an uber complicated math problem with ease, but the way a math problem is complicated is entirely different from the way a social interaction is complicated, you know. and she's way better equipped for the first one.

so, basically, i think betty would be like: Dosent see the bigger picture.... but in a different way from simon, where instead of getting caught up on and overwhelmed by all the little details, she picks a specific angle to view the situation and then focuses on That, often to the detriment of viewing things from a wider, more complex and nuanced perspective. so better at seeing the bigger picture than simon, but still can miss a Lot…

i also feel like she leans towards viewing things as "identify a problem/issue, then find away to eliminate it" and "identify a goal, and find a way to reach it" . like i feel like she'd tackle social and personal situations in this way. it's not like she can't do things for fun or anything, but like, if she upset simon she'd go into Solving A Problem Mode and be like: “The issue is Simon Is Upset. The goal is Make Simon Not Upset. First i have to identify Why simon is Upset, and then how to make him Not Upset. This is The Current Goal I Must Complete.” like, not in an abstract sense. like shes literally narrating that to herself. i think she likes to focus in on  "what's wrong here and how do i fix it" as opposed to dwelling on emotions and exploring nuance. (which may be a contributor to how she ended up in that “there’s so little me left anymore” state by temple of mars: she was so focused on Fixing the Problem that she didn’t allow herself to really process her feelings too deeply and that took a toll on her mental health.)

simon is maybe more aware of nuance, which could be part of why he gets caught up on details because he's like "this CANT be properly categorized into something more straightforward, there's actually a billion TRILLION little details and that is stressful". like simon desperately wishes things could be simplified down more but is usually like "actually no, a million things are happening actually". he's like me he would get upset if asked to rate his pain or feelings on a number scale at the doctor (i can’t do that shit for the life of me. Those things are far too complicated to put on a number scale in my eyes). meanwhile betty just will force things into concrete categories and steps and factors that Make Sense To Her with intense fervor and if she starts to have a "this is too complicated to address" moment she feels threatened and then tries very hard to reprocess things in a way that is easier, or just does her best to ignore the things that make stuff too complicated to address

i think betty tends to view things in medium-sized chunks that incorporate some but Not All details in a situation, and that she cares about small details and being thorough but feels like accomplishing the goal is the most important thing, so is willing and able to make a quick decision if she feels it's the only choice. like. she had a limited time before the portal closed, and she chose to jump through it, because she thought "the problem is that im not with simon. simon is on the other side of the portal. ill go there" it's not that she doesn't like to think things through. she loves to think things through! its just that OVERALL she is a Doer who wants to solve the problem and thinks taking action and doing something is way better than sitting there and missing an opportunity. betty will think through the details if she has time, but if she doesnt, she just breaks things down into whatever is most easy to digest and process, and then takes the option that seems.like it will get the most desired outcome based on the available info. and also shes just very confident and headstrong. and THATS.  why she punched bella noche

In my eyes betty likes having rules and defined, structured processes about what to do or how to deal with stuff. and she dosen’t really like changing those. she's very autistic. she hates change i think. so does simon. but i think that simon would be more likely to be like: the change in situation is so upsetting that it's making it harder to think and process things, so he just gets overwhelmed and has an even harder time addressing whatever is happening or comprehending it. meanwhile betty is quick to try and find the easiest way to rerout her thinking to fit the new change, she's just really fucking pissed off and stressed out about it (part of this to me is she hates feeling powerless & hates feeling like she might fail). she copes with changes in her surroundings by finding a way to connect the changed situation as well and as fast as possible with her pre existing methods of tackling situations. i think bettys also worse at handling changes in people than changes in situation. to quote my friend when we where texting about this “Situations dont have feelings”.

Like. Betty has so many skills. so much knowledge. but isn’t great with people. And she gets to know people and figures out how to understand them and then THEY CHANGE??? ILLEGAL. and so… like…this is literally her whole thing with simon!! elements seems to imply that betty originally views things as "simon is cursed, i have to fix the curse". but when she makes an attempt to meet simon where he’s at and try to interact with him as ice king, she is unable to handle it. she is upset that he is different, so much so that she concludes the only way to view things is to see them as separate people, even though it was implied that she wasn't doing that before! she was approaching it like he was Simon With Memory Loss…..but then she does her villain betrayal scene and now she's all "things will be back to just me and simon, and you won't exist" . meaning before she directly started interacting with him, she was able to view him as simon, but when she did interact with him for an extended period of time and found out how different he had become, she felt so threatened by this that the only way she could handle it was by switching her view in order to not have to confront the idea that simon could have changed that much. it also meant switching her view to a place where she would be okay hurting simon. but when he starts to protest, get upset, ask what's wrong, and worst of all, insist that he's worthy of respect, that starts to stress her out and she has to talk out loud to herself to reassure herself that she's doing the right thing

and in that scene simon goes "i don't know who this simon guy is, im ice king", which i think is a Big line - he's responded to simon in the past, but doesnt always. Like. he's inconsistent in whether or not he's aware that's a way of referring to him, which makes sense bc he seems to have memory lapses where he remembers things fine one minute and forgets them the next, them remembers about them way later. anyway having him say that simultaneously provides a Confirmation of bettys new perspective, but it also… isn’t meant to. i feel like, to the audience, its saying that "simon has changed so much, he's entirely different now. and this is the way things are, and betty should accept this, but she cant" . to betty its telling her she’s right, but that kind of sucks, because she’s not totally sure how much she wants to be right (she dosen’t want this to be simon, but she also dosen’t want simon to be gone)

(i think the idea of betty Swapping her perspective abt simon during elements as a coping strategy to deal w the panic of What If Simon Is Different + the moral dilemma of potentially hurting him fits nicely into the "betty has bpd" interpretation . my girl is splitting)

(also ik many people interpret simon and ice king as Literally being entirely different people but tbh i think that is way less interesting and doesn't make a lot of sense with the canon. but also ik this is partially because what people consider to be "different people" is subjective.  like it depends somewhat on ur perception of identity and stuff. also having different interpretations is valid and fair and all that - and adventure time is often very loose in its text and there’s lots of ways to interpret it. but whatever man im just saying my feelings and That is and Always Will Be the Same guy to me and i think that perspective is waay more interesting to explore than simon getting possessed by an alternate personality or whatever. so im just going under that interpretation….. i think some ppl would perceive the "im ice king" line as being a conformation of them as separate people but to me it's a more abstract representation of the idea that a Drastic Change has taken place that Cannot be reversed!!.... which. Ok eventually it is but tbh i doubt they even knew how they'd end the show by this point and i still think in the context of elements it still works very well as a way driving home both how betty is Not Handling the Situation Well while also making you empathize with her bc u also know how hard that must have been for her to hear)

i think betty is very person-oriented in a unique way!!she's codependent while also being low empathy, introverted, and in many ways socially inept,  which is an interesting combo! i really get the vibe that she has always struggled socially and had trouble fitting in, so attaches really heavily to people who she does feel a connection to, and works really, really hard to maintain the relationships she has. i like to think she’s scared of rejection…

i think simon is much more empathetic, emotion-driven, and in tune with others than betty, but i also think he can be Very bad at actually understanding other people on many levels - like with his obliviousness to betty being interested in him romantically until she spelled it out for him, or to the impact of bettys earlier sacrifices. simon also, with the mission to get the crown in f&c, despite his empathetic nature and love for his friends, does not seem to consider that putting the crown on would upset his friends. This shows a "focusing on one thing and missing something else" scenario, and perhaps more of a "thinking abt the big picture" (saving f&c's world) over the details (friends would be sad) thing. so that's interesting. (although i think part of this example in particular stems from his self hatred preventing him from really thinking that his friends would be upset if he did that. but in a sense it is focusing on big picture over details). So theres some nuance there i think

BUT Anyway, i think this issue probably is mainly with him struggling to read people, or fully understand others perspectives, despite caring deeply about people and feeling Upset when he can tell other people are Upset. he cares and he feels very emotionally connected to people, especially people he cares about…. he just isn't that great at picking up on things sometimes. (also. Worth noting, i think its def shown that while simon may be very caring towards his friends and is a generally nice and approachable, well meaning person who wants whats best for other people. He still is very capable of Hating People and Doing Bad Things On Purpose. Don’t want to ignore that. also hes very desensitized to bad things happening in many respects lmao. So its not like hes just always super nice and caring and amazing. He still murdered choose goose to death and That is via the power of choose goose being annoying and Simon Loving Betty)

Betty also struggles to understand other people but instead of being downright oblivious to certain things or being unsure and nervous she finds relating to people and understanding their actions and emotions to be actively difficult and makes an active effort to understand people in a bit of a scientist-looking-at-a-subject way. Which can be helpful sometimes and less helpful other times. like. it's good that she has a way to navigate social interactions . but also that way of addressing things isn't always conductive to a healthy relationship, especially when she doesn't really let simon in on the fact that she's making these sort of analyses where she's like "what will maximize Simon Being Happy and how do i accomplish this" sometimes to her own detriment.  simon is just like "wow betty is so confident and good at knowing what she wants" meanwhile betty is like "i will make the best choice For Simon" betty i think is better than simon at reading people but not good at Empathizing With Others Emotions or really Understanding or relating to the emotions behind their actions .

she also is shown to, despite caring So much about simon, not be very considerate or caring towards others (not the same as being low empathy & etc dw im not equating them. Its just on the topic of How She Views Others!!!). To be fair, we don’t see nearly enough of her interacting with people besides simon, but i like to think that she just sorta struggles to really care about and have compassion for Random People but deeply cares about those she is Really close too (but as far as we know, thats just simon)

OVERALLi think they see the world very similarly in some ways and very differently in others and it's an interesting balance. also they are both Autistic. In cconclusion !!

betty

likes to break things down into concrete concepts because she struggles to comprehend more subjective and nuanced experiences, especially in social situations + Feels more comfortable approaching things from a “scientific” perspective because it is familiar and easy for her to navigate; threatened by uncertainty and comforted by things that are more straightforward and well-defined

doesn't dwell on things a ton (esp not as much as simon) because she's very goal-oriented and focused on the Now. she wants to get to the next step. that often then means ignoring Her Own Feelings Or Needs if she deems Other Things to be more relevant or important than them (not good for your mental health) + this also means she’s better at making quick decisions! she cares about details and prefers to have All The Relevant Info but is willing and able to cut things down to a “wider-picture” that helps her make whatever choices will help her achieve her goal - that wider picture just may not always be the Full Actual wider picture.

struggles to put herself in other people's shoes - finds it easier to view herself as an outside party with the goal of achieving the ideal outcome in a social situation. In general has low empathy and struggles to understand/relate to others feelings, which impacts her perspective on things and how she handles/views situations.

(not really mentioned earlier but idk where else to put it:) i also think she has that Autism Trait where you focus in on a specific goal you want to achieve and struggle to focus on anything else until it's accomplished (and that that sort of thinking pattern happened with curing simons curse). where you put off doing anything, even things you could do, until something that you Need to happen (according to your brain, not the real world) happens.  Betty put off being person until simon was saved. she put Everything on hold until she accomplished her mission. and this is in a way a form of not seeing the bigger picture, because its overly focusing on a specific thing at the expense of others

(bettys better at balancing seeing the details & the big picture in a sense, but more like. she picks a medium sized chunk of what is going on and focuses on that and acknowledges details when able to but is willing and able to make split second decisions based on little info and is confident in doing so. but whereas i think simon might have more of a "sees the whole big picture but then gets caught up on the details" thing going on, i think betty just straight up focuses on One Portion of something, of varying sizes, which could or could not he considered a "detail", but then almost completely ignores everything else, viewing things as individual challenges or events that need to be addressed before anything else can be)

simon 

is someone who really likes to think things through, and can easily get hung up on details and can easily get overwhelmed by those details and sent into a state of anxiety-fueled-spiraling or decision making paralysis

this is worse probably for Current simon because he’s also Trying To DIstance Himself from his identity as ice king, and as ice king he had no impulse control and thought things through very little. so simon likely puts even more pressure on himself to think things through! unfortunately hes also Going Through A Lot Emotionally and sometimes that’s too much and he Dosen’t think things through and just acts on how he’s feeling. And that makes him feel Worse about himself and just Everything in general

he is more confident with his decision making skills if he feels more prepared/knowledgeable on the subject at hand or is taking on a caretaker role (like with marcy, or f&c). but currently he dosen’t have a lot of that going on so that kinda sucks for his self confidence. 

simon is better at empathizing with people than betty & at creating connections with others & is more caring towards people he dosen’t know that well - and so may consider Other People more in his perspectives on things. But on the other hand hes not always the best at reading people or understanding their perspectives, even if he feels emotional connections and cares about people, so he can easily overlook other people’s struggles or perspectives within an issue - even if he cares deeply about their wellbeing (very relevant to his relationship with betty)

he’s generally more emotion driven than betty, and dwells on & ruminates about his feelings, sometimes to the point of obscuring his understanding of a situation or his ability to engage with it. On The Other Hand this means he at least acknowledges how he’s feeling meanwhile betty is like “im classifying that as irrelevant information until further notice” lmao. 

he’s better at understanding nuance & subjectivity than betty but this contributes to his habit of getting-overwhelmed by everything & Overthinking

(simon focuses on details over the big picture overall. he easily gets caught up in details and panics. he traps himself in cycles of worrying about details that can paralyze him when making decisions, and so prefers to not have to make choices. BUT simons "paralyzed with fear of making decisions" state can often be overturned by the power of Having Strong Emotions and his decisions may be Less Good because of the power of not being great and understanding other people. he's very emotion-driven and currently suffering from a billion mental health issues so sometimes all that gets in the way of his natural over-thinking. hes got a better understanding of nuance than betty & is better at Empathizing with others and more considerate but not all too great at reading them or recognizing others Feelings or Behaviors)

I THINK I REPEATED A LOT IN THIS. AGAIN, KIND OF JUST RAMBLING. HOPEFULLY IT WAS SOMEWHAT COHERENT

[symptoms-syndrome]

hi, i hope it's okay to send this, please don't feel obligated to respond. my bf sent me your recent post about online DID communities and i wanted to say thank you for sharing it because i really relate.

i have what my bf describes as a very "typical" case of DID-- one single part who seems to be an introject of my abuser and stuck at the age the trauma happened, possession-type switches and amnesia. however, until i met my bf (who also has a dissociative disorder + has researched this stuff) i always thought i was some sort of freak, that my experiences with dissociation are highly abnormal. i seriously thought the "common" dissociative experience was to have lots of well-defined alters with their own personalities and little to no amnesia. i never wanted to reach out to others because i thought my experience was unique and, for lack of a better term, that my case was too "extreme" for most people who claim to suffer from dissociative disorders to relate to

and the false perception of DID that online communities has given me over the years has fucked me up a bit i think. very few people know i struggle with this sort of thing, i keep my own experiences a tightly-guarded secret because what i go through is scary and i don't know if people will believe me when i say it's scary. but it's scary. even though i've been dealing with this for years the possession-type switches scare the hell out of me. dealing with a violent and capricious part who imitates the person who hurt me scares the hell out of me. so i've always avoided looking at DID-related stuff online because it makes me feel othered, i'm just like-- why aren't you guys scared too? is this supposed to be fun? what's wrong with me? and it really sucks because apparently my experiences aren't uncommon at all, and yet it feels taboo to talk about, like i'd be ruining people's fun or something. i don't know

so yeah, again feel free to ignore this, i just wanted to say thank you again and that i really relate. since opening up to my bf and learning more about DID i've been tentatively trying to find blogs or books or whatever from people who experience some of the Scary stuff i do, esp the possession feeling and the having an abuser introject, but i think probably a lot of us feel the same way-- ashamed, isolated, too extreme-- and even those who speak up get drowned out. and yet i want to talk about it so badly. i want to talk about it so others like me know they aren't anomalies, but at this point i don't know how. :(

I really appreciate you sharing! I very very very much resonate with the whole. "What's wrong with me" and "is this supposed to be fun."

I've been told that I also have a relatively textbook experience with DID, if there is a textbook experience. I didn't know until adulthood that that was what I was experiencing, I went through a lot of different diagnoses to get here. I'm often very scared by my experiences.

DID is a scary disorder by virtue of being formed by scary trauma, I think. And I think it's easier for most people, including many w DID themselves, to see "softer" versions of DID, or DID that's more clearly defined and easier to understand. A big thing that scares me about my own DID is my lack of understanding about it. I don't know exactly how many parts I have, even with parts I know relatively well I don't always know their own inner workings or when they front/are around. Obviously there's also the lack of understanding that comes with not knowing what I've done when I have amnesia episodes. I even have some symptoms/experiences/presentations that feel dramatic and fake, and those make me feel embarrassed and scared too.

I've done a fair amount of healing, I think, even though I'm still very much in the beginning of this healing journey. It's become less scary than it was. But it's definitely still scary. And scary in a way that's hard to understand.

I will just say, if it's comfort or maybe just because I want to, the loudest and/or most confident voices are often not the most common or correct.

Phobia of inner experiences is something pretty well documented among many (I hesitate to say most even though I think that's true? Simply because I don't want to definitively say one way or the other based on memory alone) people with DID. Many of us are scared of our own experiences, and thus don't talk about them as much as people with possibly an atypical presentation of DID. I think that's why many "typical" people with DID get drowned out.

I relate to keeping it a closely guarded secret. And it can be really, really hard to do that. I hope you're able to come to a place someday where you feel okay sharing with whoever you feel is important to share with.

That's why I like the internet, and why it feels so awful to have my websphere taken over. The internet (Tumblr in particular) has anonymity, I can choose who knows who I am and who doesn't. What I say here doesn't impact people's perceptions of me IRL. I could delete this whole blog if I wanted to, and start a new one with a fresh slate (which I won't, but I could.) I get to pick and choose what I put here and what I don't.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

tw mention cocsa, parental abuse

looking for someone to listen about my story, also questions at the bottom

I was abused by a kid my age when I was really little, ive dealt with all sorts of symptoms bc of that (and other traumas ive been through.) my parents were abusive as well as an ex and my parents stood up always for my other abusers saying maybe they were victimized and I was the bad guy...

there have been some occasions my parents have straight up admitted to abusing me growing up and it felt really good hearing that, still feels really validating even though they didn't mean to validate me they did.... they didn't apologize but they change their story up so many times by saying I was at fault, then saying their abuse was justified (admitting it, YAY), then implying their abuse WASN'T justified (even more YAY) bc they will get defensive and scared saying things like "I was never a bad mother! I tried! cut me slack! im tired of you acting like im so horrible" which idk if you mods agree or not but in a way she's showing she feels guilt and shame bc she knows her abuse towards me wasn't justified....?

also, ive started to do my research and recognize somatic and emotional flashbacks ive been dealing with, some I can relate to specific traumas, I usually try not to think of any of my memories or abusers

but rare times when i decided to think hard about a specific abusive scenario I went through with a specific abuser and I went into this sort of horrible emotional/phsycial state along with somatic experiences with some of my five senses re-experiencing I guess things I don't remember too well about the event usually goes on for half-hour to 3 hours. some of these are new and scary.

im glad in a way to be experiencing these things bc I grew up believing my abusers that I was abusive. but my reactions to being abused were completely valid and normal...

sometimes if I think about specific trauma events I start feeling physical sensations like my whole face becoming flush and hot, heart racing. but it goes away quickly sometimes. idk what that is but the memories feel like dreams and its kind of validating when I experience that stuff bc I know its real when strong, scary emotions and physical sensations are attached to the memories, esp newer ones I keep getting...

and I get auditory hallucinations which scare the living shit out of me. I feel like I get into states of fear for my life. idk if thats a flashback or not?? idk if im psychotic or not?

I also have a question? is it normal to feel "obsessed" with your abuser or preoccupied with arguments in your head with your abuser? is that cptsd symptoms or am I just weird for that? seems contradicting bc I try not to think of the abuse, and get irrited with intrusive thoughts about it, yet sometimes obsessively choose to think about arguing w my abuser and I get so heated....

Hi anon,

I'm so sorry to hear about what you've been through. It sounds like you've endured a lot of painful and isolating experiences that can be incredibly challenging to grapple with, and please know that you're not alone.

It can be especially frustrating and isolating to experience your parents immediately siding with your abusers instead of considering your perspective or feeling protective over you. It seems that their abusive behavior towards you over time explains why they don't support and care for you in the way you deserve.

I can understand how validating it can be when our abusers admit to what they've done. But sometimes they mention these things in a nonchalant or unapologetic way because they fail to recognize the gravity of their actions, and perhaps they haven't changed. It's important to remember that there is no excuse or justification for abuse, and it's common for abusers to construct reasons to avoid accountability. It's possible that the way your mom responded could suggest that she feels guilt, but it could also just be an attempt to justify her actions instead of take responsibility for them or feel guilty.

It sounds like you may have been experiencing flashbacks when you described the sort of sensual and emotional state that lasted for several hours. It's understandable how it can feel validating to experience this when your abusers have been painting you as the abuser and playing the victim themselves (aka DARVO). But alongside these other physical sensations such as a racing heartbeat and a hot face, it's important to find a healthy balance between allowing yourself to experience these physical symptoms and validating your trauma in less distressing ways.

Feeling obsessed with your abuser and preoccupied with arguments with your abuser in your head can be a part of rumination. Please know that you're not alone in experiencing this and it doesn't make you weird at all. There are many reasons why trauma survivors do this, and sometimes these thoughts are intrusive. Rumination can be especially difficult in the case of CPTSD, because a trauma survivor with a string of traumatic events has multiple different things to ruminate on, and it can be hard to ruminate about one aspect of the trauma without starting to think about another.

These could be things to bring up with a mental health professional such as a therapist, if you can access or afford it. A therapist can help you process your trauma, work with you to explore these symptoms and discover where they may be coming from, as well as finding healthier ways to validate your trauma.

If anyone would like to make any comments or suggestions, feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help, and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[kristalpepsi]

Temptation Stairway Thoughts™ + Theory Discussion

TW: blood + Death mentions, Implied (forced/pushed) integration (systems), racism (against asians), unreality stuff bc the show is Like That, Trauma causd by therapy

TL;DR = I mainly talk about implied integration, n as some1 in a system tht! mkes me uncomfy! I mainly will talk abt wht I’m calling the multi-ena theory (n anothr theory ill call the Multiple/Multi-Enaverse Theory) thts been popping up n disccng how thts kind of the bggst thng keepng me on board! I won’t LIE I might b a little biased bc I rlly do like thise show b I am NOT blind so I will try 2 address som things. I also talk alot abt the Shepard n Phindol bc I love themb so much they make me very heart Big.

DISCLAIMERS:

Obviously Joel G Highkey/definitely/most probbly did not intend 4 any of thise, but media is very complic8d so u cn end up accidntlly making problmtc things or implyng not great things

I hav a typing quirkkkk so if u cant understand my post I rlly dont blame u! I’m sorry how I type is Incomprehensible™

Not an angry post, more like my brain is holding me host-ge until i talk abt everyth dskfjhd!!

DO NOT Send anyone in thise post hate or angry asks/messages or perish by my sword

OK so this recnt episde has me w vry vry mixd feelngs!!! I’m both happy n exctd! b litrlly 2 things is whts bothrng me. While I CLD jst say :I Am Lookng Away: i rlly do need 2 write it down. Under a Read-more bc im secure SKSJ

Part 0: I’m uncomfortable help

The Section wher i tlk abt n bring up othr ppl’s concerns

So fr most if nt all the frnds I hav who also wtch Ena ALSO has a vry “vr vry mixd feelngs now tht I’ve seen the episde!!” mood twrds Temptation Stairway! It’s 4 a bunch of rsns, like thise post (tw racism) mde by a frnd whch brings up a good point

Part 1: The Actual Intro

Episode 1 = Auction day (AD) Episode 2 = Extinction Party (EP) Episode 3 = Tempation Stairway (TS)

Who is Ena

Ena can b describd as an "abstract girl split in half, w 1 blue side n the other is her yellow side!" Each side (emotion/mood, 2 b specific) seems 2 hav their own voic actor credited along with seper8 credits 4 each mood! So far the canon sides r Ena (happy), Ena (sad), n Ena (drunk)! They seem 2 act accordingly: Happy acts happy n optimistc, Sad acts sad n especlly depressd, n Drunk acts confused n dizzy [In the Credits, it would look like thise: Ena (happy) by Gabe V., Ena (sad) by Lizzie Freeman, (drunk) Ena by Sam Meza

4 Episodes 1-2, thy follow thise pattern exctly! So we cn expect wht 2 see from them, n each voice actor is creditd accordngly as seper8 b all a part of Ena

On epside 3, Ena is seen as actng diffrnt!! She's suddnly less predictabl! I say thise bc Suddenly, her voic Actors r not stuck 2 Only their sides. Thise is also emphasized when looking at the credit list! No longer is it "Ena (happy) by Gabe V., Ena (sad) by Lizzie Freeman" it's now jst "ENA by Gabe V. and Lizzie Freeman"

Happy's voic can sound STRESSED n sad, Happy can tlk w Blue's side in mor control n Sad's voic can sound Really happy n optimistic. Somth's Diffrnt n Not The Same

Temptation Stairway Summary

Skipping 2 my point, The summary of the episode Temptation stairway is tht Moony and Ena have a bet 2 race 2 the Great Runas! The Great Runas, can grnt u any wish accordng 2 Moony n som of those Ena passes by on the wy. The wager, is tht "whoever reaches the top of the Great Runas n makes their wish 1st, has 2 pay the debts of the loser" (yes it’s phrased like that) As Ena journeys thru, The DIFFERENCES between Ena Temptation Stairway and Ena Extinction Party n Below, is mor obvious as the epsde progrsses, even 2 wher Happy's voic actor is the 1 screamng in agony 2 jst get murdered already. The Episode ends w Moony beatng Ena (but it's 100% possibl it can be the other way arnd, that ENA Beat Moony, b thats somth I'll discuss in a bit L8r). Moony splits in half, revealing that according 2 her, "she wished 2 be skinny" n a humanoid coms out of her previous form. As 4 Ena, Her blue side slowly dispprs n its not answrd why.

Theories so far, are:

Moony wished 4 Ena 2 b happy (or 4 her sad/blu side 2 go awy. 4 wht reason can b eithr wholsom or 2 Moony's advntge [like so she "doesnt have 2 deal w Sad Ena"]) - b if Moony wished 4 Ena 2 b happy/b rid of her sad side, tht wld mean perhaps she lied about wishing 2 be skinny (her new humanoid form may be how she is "paying her debt 2 the loser"). Unless the Runas can grant u more than 1 wish.

Ena ws the 1 who wished her blu side awy, whch is a little depressng tbh

If both the above r tru, it may b possibl bc it wsnt clarified (afaik) tht the great runas can only grant ONE person a wish (or more). I think we only get tht implica8ion bc we see 1 (open) door while in the distance, ther r more doors tht look like their eyes r closed. We hav 2 remembr Moony said "whoever makes their wish 1st whch means Ena n Moony can totlly mke wishes @ the sme time

Somhow, turning pure yellow/only happy is how Moony is payng her debt 2 Ena(??) (opposite 2 the 1st theory)

OR If Ena won the race, it can even b possibl 2 consider tht Ena did not make ANY wish, n her debt 2 pay 2 Moony is her sad/blue side removed (I do not subscribe 2 thise) 

This info that was brought up 2 me is high evidenc that Moony won the race, n it explains how Moony surprises Ena whn Ena arrives. “I’m The Best and you’re the worst! I wonder who got the hair chest?” said by Ena, is a direct reference 2 a phrase usd by kids when they lose that goes “First is the worst, second is the best, third is the one with the hairy chest.”

“Whoever reaches the top of the Great Runas n makes their wish 1st, has 2 pay the debts of the loser.“ Might be phrased tht way as a weird way 2 pay 4 ur greed? (Last minute addition from me since some people wld think this is quoted wrong in and outside of the youtube comments)

i'm p sure ther may even b mor theories b i dont rmmbr them OOPS

Part 2: The Implied Integration Part AKA: How the System!Ena theory is affected by this episode

TW: Final fusion discussion, medical trauma (Is that the right word)

Disclaimer: This is 100% unintended by Joel G. That’s y the Alternative title 2 thise part is “How the System!Ena theory is affected by this episode”

2 GET IN2 the whole Implied Integr8ion part of my Essay™ I hav a theory calld system ena or sys!ena! (Check out my #system ena tag. This is in chronologicl order!) While thers no canon explan8ion 4 how Ena herslf is how she is, she mkes very intrstng n almst good accdntl Sys Represent8ion 2 me! They even show cofronting rlly well! I headcanon Ena as a system bc of the accidentl system!rep, but it explains 2 me y n how she switches! she has triggers 4 when she switchs 2 a diffrnt side, etc!

Ther hav been theories about Temptation Stairway in the past (before the episode cme out) wher ppl try 2 explain y the trailer Looks Like Tht. Besides theorizing abt the introduction of a new forme (I'm ok w just calling it Scared/Anxiety 4 now until 4rthr notic), 1 of the theories ive seen is tht Temptation Stairway's new introduced forme is due 2 being something akin 2 being "integr8d" (probably by force, accordin 2 the OP) (in other words, all her sides merge in2 one) n Ena being devast8td abt it

While tht theory is now DEBUNKED, bc the new forme clearly did not come out bc of being One Single Mind now, the "integr8ion" part of tht theory is unfortun8ly a littl tru

What is Integr8ion?

Integr8ion is not inherently a bad thing. In systems, ther are 2 definitions: "the breaking down of barriers 2 form healthy multiplicity, n then healthy communic8ion n less amnesiac barriers" and the othr, n mor FAMOUS definition bc its the oldest 1, is "final fusion"

Fnal Fusion is when all the members "fuse/merge" 2gether until ther is 1 single mind left. While not necssrlly a bad thng, final fusion n ther4 "integr8ion" is a scry thing 4 a lot of systems 2 talk abt, because in the history of Treatment, Final fusion is uslly somthng forcd on2 systems 4 the longest time :^(

Very valid 2 hav final fusion as a goal, b showng it as a desire n end goal is uslly seen as a sad n even scry thing 2 promote accdntly or not in media, bc of the previous traumas in the medicl/therapy world of system treatment etc

What's Worse. is tht if we apply the Ending 2 Temptation Stairway to the System!Ena Theory, thts wht hurts!!!

Scrolling back up 2 the possibl theories of who won the race and wht happened aftr, Either Moony or Ena wishing 4 the blue side/Sad Ena 2 go awy is rlly painful!

B I'll be honest, thts a RLLY biased n personal opinion i hav!! I've seen ppl think its rlly wholsom altho a bit Sad, tht the blue side disappears. I've seen ppl think its rlly sweet esp if it was Moony who mde tht wish

BSCLLY If I were to hold on2 the System!Ena headcanon while watchng the Temptation Stairway episode, its Hurtful, not rlly bc of the implied Integr8ion of Sides, but bc most top theories r that the blue side disappeard on Purpose either from Moony or Ena wishing her away or involvng the debt! It's like asking 4 ur sibling irl 2 Disappear and cease 2 exist. it's scary n rlly sad esp whn the audienc can c tht Sad, Happy, n Drunk cn almst b seen as their own persons n mite even b abl 2 interact w each othr (as seen by the many fanart of Happy n Sad having their own seper8 forms)

  Ok so Now tht ive described my intro n Main Beef w the Episode, here's a theory I cn rlly get behind tht dsnt mke me wnna cry behind a Denny's. Prsnlly it's a rlly relievng theory even if it mite b hard 2 take in

Ther's no name 4 it, som call it the Enaverse, b just so it dsnt get confusd w other definitions (like, u wldnt call it the Marvel Cinematic Universe theory, the MCU is jst wht it is) I'm gnna call it the Multi-Ena theory! Bsclly, there's mor than 1 Ena in thise universe. But I'll get in2 a sub/partner theory tht is also possibl: ther is mor than 1 enaverse n somhow u may or may not b abl 2 travel between them

Part 3: The Multi-Ena theory

Something interesting I noticed was that the shepherds says “another ENA troublemaker?” Which definitely means more than one ENA/person has been there before.

(I blockd out the rest of the commnt not bc it ws bad, b i wantd 2 focus on this part of the commnt, but thise commnt will come up again L8r)

Not connected 2 System!Ena or the integr8ion issue I mentioned earlier, the multi-ena theory seems 2 b 1 of the top suggstd theories bc of many thngs! Bsclly n in short, thise theory believs tht in the series (or Enaverse), ther is multipl ena's! So fr i havent seen a post tht RLLY went in2 depth on thise so here is my attempt!

Evidence:

(See: above explanation on how the voic actors r credited 4 their roles individlly 2 explain my system!ena theory/intro) In episodes 1-2, Ena's diffrnt emotions/sides r creditd individually! In Temptation Stairway, Gabe n Lizzie Freeman r all creditd undr the sme nme, just as "Ena" (mening thise is a completely different Ena from the past)

Again, as said in my summry 4 Tempt8ion Stairway, thise Ena acts compltly diffrnt n is not follwng the sme "pattern" or rules as Ena did in Episodes 1-2! (Read above in my summary section) Either ther r stuff we've missd between Extinction Party n Temptation Stairway, or thise is a diffrnt Ena entirely.  I'd hav 2 sy prsnlly tht I'm leanng 2wrds the latter bc of how the VA's are crdtd. but if ur not convinced, let me continu:

When we meet the Shepard in 7:52 of the episode, they say (verbatim) "Arghh... Another ENA trouble maker." which implies there r more than 1 Ena's

9:08 - 9:19 when Ena jumps in2 the "Holy Code" where we head undrwtr in2 a sea of diffrnt doors, we see floating Ena models (n the comment section seems 2 gravit8 2 callng them "dead bodies") (Honorary mention: You'll notic they glitch in2 Mannequins if u pay attention 2 them). This piec of info is Direct Evidence 2 the multi-ena theory, bc ther r Explicitly mor thn 1 ena's on screen! wht's concernng n unanswrd tho, is y do they glitch in2 mannequins? Does tht mean all the mannequins we sw on screen in the begnng of the video (n onwards) were all previously an Ena? Is it only an Ena tht can transform in2 a mannequin or cn othr chrctrs also become mannequins?

Not the strongst evidenc b i'll input it anywy: Ena's Action boxes (Like when she receivs or gives items) spell her nme her as ƎNA (with a backwrds E). The thing abt thise 1 is tht we can't compare it with Auction Day n Extinction Part bc they don't have any action boxes. BUT What we CAN compare is how she is spelled in the dialogue boxes of those speakng in diffrnt languages AND in the Credits! In Episodes 1-2, She's Spelled as Ena with this captialis8ion. In Temptation Stairway the dialogue and credits consitntly spell her as ENA in all caps. May or may not allude 2 her being diffrnt, b i will admit this is the most Strechiest piec of evidnc. Tru or not, I'd like 2 refer 2 Tempt8ion Stairway ena as TS!Ena or ƎNA, prsnlly 2 differenti8 her frm the othr episodes

Pronounci8ion: BUT 2 build on the above evidence, In the beginning of the episode, Moony DOES pronounc Ena's name in different wys a lot, startng w I-NA (ai-na), ENA (ehna), n finally JENA. And this isnt new! She’s been doing it sinc Auction Day (ee-nah/ii-na) n Extinction Party (ay-nah). Thise may or my not sggst that perhaps Moony's inconsistancy is bc these othr pronunci8ions or names cld b of other ena's she's met in the past w similr or diffrnt preferences! I’d say because of her constant switchng in the beginning of Temptation Stairway, it would lean 2wards that she may know different Ena’s @ once. Otherwise, c the Multi-Enaverse theory below

Note: Every othr charctr besides Moony (So far; Merci and the Shepard) Pronounces Ena as ehna (or ehna) so it might be that perhaps Eh-na is the universal way of pronouncng Ena?

Conlusions/thghts on this theory: I prsnlly like thise a lot!! It makes Enasonas Very Possible, b also tht any interpret8ion of Ena cn b corrct or possibl! It knda saddens me tho bc im not rlly sure if we'll ever return 2 the Ena we're used 2, I wldnt rlly want 2 b stuck w/o Sad bc I thnk her role is rlly neat n can b importnt, b im biasd. I also rlly subscribe 2 thise theory bc it means whtvr happend 2 TS!Ena ds not hav 2 be permanent in the long run; Again litrlly the only thng keepng me from gettng supr upset abt the ending of Temptation Stairway, is tht the prev ena’s r not the sme n wld possibly not do thise, or tht ther r othr ena’s out ther besides THISE episod 1, who wld nvr do tht, etc

Part 4: The Multiple Enaverses/Multi-Enaverse Theory AKA The Alternative In Defense of Moony Mispronouncing Ena’s name over and over

An alterntve 2 the Multi-Ena theory, is tht there is MORE thn 1 Enaverse! So bsclly, a multiverse theory. Primarily thise my explain Not jst Ena's sudden Shift in how diffrnt she is in thise episode b may also explain how Diffrnt Moony is actng in thise episode 2. While thise isnt the top theory i prsnlly subscribe 2 (sinc ther isnt explicit evidence besides it bein an explan8ion 4 Moony n Ena's weird/diffrnt behavior), it DOES open a lot of doors 2 intrstng things 2 thnk abt!

Bsclly Moony keeps mispronouncing Ena’s name a lot (in Tempation Stairway) n its Really Rude, esp consdrng she’s always said it properly (As in @ least 1nce in an episode n not switchng multiple times) b4! so 2 Explain her Sudden change in behavior, this is actlly a Different Moony, besides a different Ena. this is a whole different universe/timeline!

LIKE If not multiple Ena's, The different Loca8ions in Ena cn probbly b traversible across dimensions! The Holy Code may b the door 2 diffrnt enaverses. The Shepard's garden cld b an interdimensionl place tht is singular n deals w diffrnt beings passing thru! While i dnt hav mch 2 sy on thise, its RLLY Interestng 2 thnk abt

Like the Multi-Ena theory, thise also opens the doors 2 enasonas being vry possibl :^) Som ppl's evidences r all involvng Moony besides how Ena's rlly diffrnt

Moony can skateboard??

Moony's square shape hole can shrink 2 hold an item

while not strong ATM or frm wht i cn see, its still very inch restng!!! Tho I would sy it is VERY on par w the Multi-Ena theory anyway

Part 5: Honorary Mentions: Mini Theories

The Great Runas is actlly a play on the "Run As" Command! I'm not very Smart engh 2 break thise down vry well, b bsclly w all the allusion 2 "codes" n the Blood ID looking like a Chip, The Great Runas being abl 2 grant u wishes makes a lot of sense! This ws brought up 2 me from a friend (@ambercard​)!

like its a command line. so then the great runas being able to grant wishes makes sense if its digital world like all the code stuff says Allows a user to run specific tools and programs with different permissions than the user's current logon provides.

Runas is a command-line tool that is built into Windows Vista. To use runas at the command line, open a command prompt, type runas with the appropriate parameters, and then press ENTER.

In the user interface for Windows Vista, the Run as… command has been changed to Run as administrator. However, you should rarely have to use the Run as administrator command because Windows Vista will automatically prompt you for an administrator password when it is needed.

and my friend who i was talking to said that probably explains what the password was for and the blood id being a login or something?

its possible using the blood id akin to using the run as administrator command since idk their name but one of the people ena met said the blood id didnt seem like her which is like. if she isnt administrator then it would make sense that using that command wouldnt match who she is

My response:

man do u realiz Ena uslly does not hav the corrct passwrd/admin privileges all the tme? Bc the guardian entity in extinction party askd her 4 1 b i guess it ws so Low Game tht it wsnt supr necsrry in the end

The Enaverse is all a computer code of some sort- most probbaly a game! AKA: This is a digital world

... If we were too treat this world as a video game this would make more sense since different play through bus and all that. Oh god this feels like a fnaf situation, taking a video that just wants to be a video and turning it into a big serious thing

Going with the whole ‘there are multiple enas representing the player’ theory, perhaps this ENA realized that she’s in a video game and isn’t taking it too well? But the game is kind of glitching out because of it.

Honorable Mentions: Random Info + Unanswered Questions

Ena seems self-aware of smth! (10:24 Ena screams "YOU'RE ALL LIVING A LIE!") May help the Run as command idea n the video game/digital reality idea! If not a video gme, they sure r Somewhere

What does the Great Runas look like?? is it the door? is ther mor thn 1 Runas?

What is Mariya n Gabo's Job? R they just like the Guardian Entity in Extinction Party but are assignd 2 this part/location of where they are?

In 6:30, wht does Ulysses mean by "Desires r never fulfilled nor quenched"? "You Will fail like the rest of them" Is he referring 2 the other Ena's that's passed by? who else have come n failed?

This Post Also brings up som good points I hvnt noticd yet!

Thise comment pretty much says everythng:

Standout things from this animation:

-This Ena switches between a male & female voice at seemingly random instead Happy speaking with a male voice and Sad speaking with a Sad voice. The text boxes noticeably refer to this Ena with a reversed E, and The Shepard says "Another Ena troublemaker", implying that there are multiple Enas. We also see some Ena corpses flickering into the mannequin bodies at one point. Third, at the end we see Ena's sad half turn from blue to yellow over the course of Ena & Moony's conversation. My personal theory is that this Ena is possibly 'broken' in some manner. -Moony either doesn't care or dosen't realize that Ena's voices aren't matching the personalities anymore. -The grey personality appears to come out when Ena gets too stressed out. Notably the transformation involves the happy half turning into static and exploding out, erasing Ena's face in the process. It also appears that some physical trauma (in this case, Brick Frog kicking Ena) is necessary to exit the grey personality, unlike the previously seen 'blackout' personalities which can possibly be switched by the other personality exerting themselves (in the auction episode, Ena enters her sad blackout/depressed personality, then switches to Happy!Ena, who apologizes to Moony about her depressed outburst). -Moony's hole is capable of closing to hold things, and she also knows how to skateboard. -Judging by Ena's reaction, Moony's transformation at the end is weird even by this universe's standards.

aaaand thats all 4 now! I really hope thats all my brain can think of skjsdhfsdfkh

Feel free 2 send me asks abt Ena theories n stuff! While this is a Comprehensiv post, it’s definitely mor focused on the Multi-Ena theory n my thghts on the episode whn it comes 2 how it affects the System Ena theory. I’m open 2 questions!!

Last Edit: Feb 19 2021 (GMT +8)

[imfiguringitoutlovely]

MY HC'S||part 1 (students)

IF YOU ARE GOING TO READ OR REQUEST MY WORKS, PLZ READ THIS. I WILL BE WRITING GOING OFF OF CANON + THESE HEAD CANNONS I HAVE FROM NOW ON FJXNSM

(and yes, i will likely be editing and adding to this all the time. these are brief, random, and... yeah Mndxjm. keep in mind that i do only write for he/him they/them (AND VARIANTS) readers, so)

he/him

daddy issues, 100000%. i know it's not really brought up in the anime, but you can kinda see it in the way he idolizes all might. he just very easily gets attached to the male mentor figures in his life and always feels the need to please them/make them think highly of him, no matter the cost.

he can be really sweet, but as of late esp he just has this heavy heavy and draining energy. he needs rest. :( he's slowly becoming more pessimistic, not in a "there's no point" way, but in a "this world is so fucking tainted" way. sometimes he questions himself and his decision to be a hero, but he quickly reminds himself of his quirk. he doesn't really have a choice in thst case.

holds everyone around him on a pedestal and often has to convince himself that he deserves any sort of recognition because he's constsnt comparing himself snd his weaknesses to the strengths of those around him. he doesn't hate himself, but he has a hard time realizing that he deserves to be taken care of and loved, too.

he's terrified of himself in all honesty. everytime he thinks he's getting a hold of his quirk, something happens that leaves him in limbo again. it's scary, but he tries to bury it and convince himself that he'll be okay as long as he continues with training.

he has a shit ton of anxiety, y'all can't tell me he won't reach a breaking point eventually, he's been through so much.

she/her

don't talk about money around her. like a joke here and there is fine, but eventually being constantly reminded of it away from home will trigger a trauma response of just starting to get into her own head. (even if you're poor, too. like my bestie and i joke abt being broke, but that's an established boundary we're good w. stay safe babes, ok? don't let ANYONE tell you how to feel about personal boundaries.)

this leads me on to this point; she will tell you if you upset her, or if she needs time away from someone. she's not going to just drop what she's feeling or thinking to please other people, even if she is selfless, because taking care of herself and prioritizing herself at times is not selfish; it's love.

in the anime, even after confessing her need to break away from deku directly, she ends up leaning on him in the later seasons. it's... agitating, so in my head she's not fucking like that JFNXJD. she's strong on her own, and very much capable, something she understands. what makes her anxious and frustrated is how some people forget that bc of her cutesy look. she's a hero, and at the end of the day, how femme or soft people think she is isn't gonna strip her of that.

he/him

he's attempted murder before, idgaf how much he tries to show he respects rules. this dude will flip so fucking fast, and as sad or bad as it sounds, a lot of time he confuses self interest with empathy or protection of others. he puts himself on the line, or at times the safety of others to "make his brother proud", but really he just sucks with rationality

this isn't to call him selfish, but his moral compass is very off. he's not villain level, he's just very lost in a gray area that he didn't really know was there until his brother got hurt. he tries to be a great hero, but he's not sure if it's for himself, his brother, or the world.

despite his wealth, he doesn't much care for overtly materialistic things. though his upbringing has greatly skewed a lot of his social standings/behaviors, money is typically not even a thought in his decisions, something he has to learn is actually a huge privilege.

also, yes, he acknowledges how "annoying" he is to others, especially to people like bakugou. he doesn't much care, though, not to be dismissive of his feelings, he'd just rather be a helicopter protector than a shitty class rep.

he/him

he takes quite a bit of time getting comfortable enough to engage in any sort of physical affection, or really affection in general, but once he's comfy, everything is his love language. he will eventually get to the point where he's uncomfortable going without expressing affection (though this of course takes a LONG time to get to).

obviously he's a lil slow socially. he will ask people to help him set up social media and will be startled seeing any sort of video edits. he's good with tech, but only professional tech. so. he also obviously doesn't get social cues very often. though at times it's all chill, him even remaining oblivious, there are times where he gets frustrated with himself for it.

he pranks his dad. idgaf what anyone says, he pranks his dad with natsuo like his like depends on it.

he's not some uwu daddy issue traumatized prince, ok? he's geuinely been through a lot and making him out to be this poor baby doesn't help. he can be really aggressive. we see him in the anime being not just blunt, but very confrontational. it might have to do with the social cue stuff, but he really did learn a lot of aggresive ideologies from his dad. don't walk on eggshells around him, but don't expect him to take any sort of shit.

he/him

the minute anyone compliments this bitch for things that have nothing to do with his quirk, it's all over. he almost immediately falls apart after minutes of pure shock. he will immediately fall in love if it's genuine, which is why he's so attached to kirishima.

deep down, as much as he loves his mom, he actually resents his mother. yes, he calls her hag, and a lot of people take that as their way of bonding (which to a large degree it is), but he longs for that connection so many kids have with their mothers. it's one of the things he'll always be jealous of deku for.

yes he smells like burnt caramel, fuck off. he's also super fucking insecure but i think we all know this. his sense of self worth is just so dependent on his quirk and superficial accomplishments that he doesn't know who he is without winning. so.

he knows this doesn't make his bullying okay, though. he's grown a lot, and in my head, he's learned to accept that he's had a hand in creating a lot of his bigger issues. he also doesn't feel as shameful of them anymore. :) still growing, and he can still be pretty toxic, but he's a lot more genuine now.

he/they

i do follow the hc of denki having ADHD. he stims w ojiro's tail. :)

they're not dumb, do you understand? :( he's not. he takes a longer time to process things, but once he does, they're usually extremely efficient in the subject. he's also in pain when he goes overboard w his quirk, it hurts to have people laugh st them but it's like he's trapped :(

HE WILL SHOCK PPL WHEN STATIC UPON KISSES OR EXCITED HUGS SH.

she/they (im working on enforcing this, i realize in my fics i use she/her bc i get anxious abt people attacking this hc but ??? its my writing so)

they have 2 moms. no, im not gonna explain further-

she's black-coded. if that upsets you, you can leave. as a poc, I don't need or want anyone who's upset about representation interacting. :)

she teaches classmates little dance routines for videos or just stress relief tbh. she finds it helps them get that energy out so she can refocus. she also eventually gets more into using her dancing in her hero training.

she will burn someone's face off if necessary. yeah, they're sweet and bubblegum, but she's fucking brave and she will stand up for what's right, even if it may seem grusome. they know what it's like to be put down and in a corner for the way she looks, things she cant control, so if she has the power in situations to protect others from that? they're taking it. because of this, in her pro-hero career, she's an icon. much like uraraka, and especially with their pronouns, they show that femininity and power can (obviously, cmon society, catch up) co-exist. period.

she likes being an active part of pranks in the dorms, too. she's great at catching things on camera.

he/him (tbh tho he seems like he wouldn't give a fuck what pronouns you use)

he lives by mental/physical health being the most important thing. of course being a hero and saving lives was a priority, but you can't do that unless you're mentally and physically sound. he constantly checks in on friends to remind them of that, especially bakugou.

he sometimes asks for help to make sure his roots get dyed. it's hard to make sure the bleach gets everything on the back sometimes, so he'll even set up a whole lil self-care night with face masks and cucumbers so he can take care of the person helping him, too.

does feel a bit left behind by the main three, mostly by bakugou. he's scared that one day bakugou will be too good. that he'll be left behind, that he won't be regarded as a real hero.

he/him (but also doesn't give a fuck)

also yes this is gonna be biased bc i love him

HE IS NOT A SMOKER, WEED IS ILLEGAL IN JAPAN YALL

he games to manage. really well, i might add. despite his skill, winning and rankings don't have much to do with it. he jokes that they do, but it's more about getting away from the real world.

he's scared of being left behind, too. not in the rankings, but just...in general. shinso and aizawa can do almost all the same things he can without the quirk. people can master the abilities without being him. and it's scary.

he's so chill. he drinks respect living things juice every chance he gets. he's so good. so utterly good that it flies past people because it's such a natural thing for him.

he's so pretty first of all.

he/him

yes, dadwaza. yes, he is taken in by hizashi and aizawa (yes, in my little world erasermic is canon and they're raising eri).

he is v insecure. obviously. in my world, he spends his free time with denki and monoma (he attracts blondes). they gas him up a lot, which makes him kinda uncomfortable sometimes because how do you respond? but otherwise, he's learned a lot socially from them.

he's very physically affectionate. he's incredibly quiet about it, but he likes when people lean on him, or when he can lean on them (of course with boundaries, has to be close w that person). it feels nice to be close to people who trust him to be good. :)

[temporalhemorrhage]

but ok now actually getting into what I want to talk about (or more like,,, the abstract/thesis for what I eventually want to write about when my brain is less Hell lol)

I'm really interested in how season 3 uses the idea of an unknown artist/storyteller (kinda unknown lol he's in the outro so it isn't hard to guess?) who is revealed in the last episode

and like, at first I felt it was kinda cliche, but upon rewatch I actually really like it because one interpretation of the function of the drawing kid could be not a literal "this kid is a psychic/medium who beings use to cross over between worlds thru his art" but a metaphor for the Morbid FixationsTM that afflict a lot of ocd spectrum/trauma survivor/mentally ill/etc ppl and how they express it through their art

the reason I feel the execution of the stories supports this is that because they fixate on one grotesque image (which I mentioned before that I think was done poorly, but the concept is still solid) and rely on a slow, obsessive buildup

which like,,,, to me sounds exactly like my experiences both with ptsd/ocd-type thought patterns

(now granted I don't think everyone who has ocd or traumatic experiences necessary manifests them as gory/scary thoughts but it IS an extremely common theme)

(and I feel i, personally, am especially drawn to horror in this vein because my ocd fixates on body horror specifically- so keep that in mind)

but structurally speaking, each episode starts innocuously enough (though often upon entering a new situation- invoking vulnerability and anxiety at change) but quickly fixates on one point/object/theme and obsessively circles around it, simultaneously desperate to know and terrified of the reveal- all which climaxes in one shot of some horrifying (presumably they hoped haunting?) body

this pretty perfectly parallels the terror of obsessive thought patterns and the way your mind latches onto certain thoughts and creates a million nightmare images and scenarios to play constantly in the background

and the "payoff" shots are crucial to the story as they reference the artist kid's authorship- each monster/being is HIS drawing- which, in world, is a supernatural phenomenon, but they can also be (or alternatively, are only) manifestations of his ocd/obsessive/intrusive thoughts, as many artists with ocd did when they were young (or do, currently, but esp. before they know that the things they're making are Socially Inappropriate or w/e)

and then we get to the end of the season, where the kids face melts away, revealing the Storyteller mask from seasons 1 and 2- suggesting that it was he who was telling the stories through the kid (or better, that he has been a being from the Other Side the whole time)- so of course you’re like aaahh, i get it now!

the next shot repeats what was the intro of the previous seasons (the Storyteller calling the children in to hear his tales), which not only gives us a a sense of closure- of circularity- but seems to reinforce this idea that he’s been behind it this whole time

we get a lingering shot of the children, now with their faces frozen in a mask of anguish/death/w/e and the shutter closes- and you’re like haha ok, kinda cheesy but it’s all fun, right?

however, that shot repeats AGAIN- the Storyteller calling the children and the shot of their distorted faces

and again

and again

each time the children’s faces twisting and decaying even more

so of course our previous conclusion couldn’t have been correct then- there’s something more going on here, but what it is?

at this point- in terms of storytelling- your next shot is absolutely crucial to establish meaning here because you’ve already told the viewer that their previous assumptions were not correct. the repeating scene isn’t just an annoying “haha GOTCHA!” or “it was all just a dream” sort of thing- it’s a wake up call

and what do they show next? a close up of one of the listening children’s faces (a shot that has always intrigued me because it’s so personal compared to how the other kids are shown, usually as no more than the back of a head- why do we need to know that THIS KID, specifically is listening to the Storyteller?), followed by a shot of the Storyteller, now in the body of a child and overlaid by the child’s voice over.

I don’t know for sure that this kid is the same as the drawing kid, but I don’t necessarily think it matters

To me this reaffirms my belief that the Storyteller is, and always has been synonymous with the artist kid- who is simultaneously one of his listener’s

(alright now hear me out cuz I realize that last sentence was phrased poorly, but i’m getting to The Point lol)

the Child, plagued by intrusive/obsessive thoughts revolving around fear and mutilated bodies, draws them out and authors the reality that we, the viewer experience throughout the show- we are essentially living out his fears when we watch each episode- but he is simultaneously the audience as well as the author, as indicated through the very specific shot which places him in the Storyteller’s audience, which in my opinion speaks to the way that many young children find themes to “latch onto” in their thoughts/fears based on things they are exposed to, but also could speak to the circularity of creating things that simultaneously relieve and reinforce one’s own fears (e.g. i draw things that scare me a lot as a way of venting/relieving that tension, but doesn’t it kind of reinforce those fears now that I’ve brought it to life?)

I think another thing that reinforces the Child as both listener and Storyteller is the focus on the other children’s deformed faces at the very end of season 3- this is what HE is seeing, this is his reality, this is how his Art and his Truth are bleeding together- again reinforcing that idea of being both cathartic and self-harming for him- but also perhaps allowing paradox to sit more comfortably with viewers?

I personally don’t find it hard to reconcile the Child paradoxically being Storyteller and listener, nor the idea of both relieving and reaffirming fear through art, but I know that many people get frustrated at that and want a clear, linear story to follow, so in my opinion I think this ending allows viewers to more “rationally” see where the lines between authorship and viewership blur

So uhhh,,, none of this probably makes any sense, but I just need to get the Thoughts out so I can write more formally about it at another point without forgetting everything lol (maybe like this post if u read just because im curious if anyone actually made it to the bottom of this haha)

[oikyskau]

1/2 hi! 👋🏼👋🏼 came to you encouraged by the lovely @magnusragnor, hope it's okay! so. i've been struggling with this for a long while; i think i may be bi. i've been thinking about it for a couple of years and first i thought it would not be possible to be attracted to women bc of heteronormativity, and now i think i may be disgusted by men, and any kind of closeness with them, bc i was assaulted/harassed by my stepfather when i was young.

2/2 idk if i’d want to be in a relationship w a woman either (even thinking about relationship with anyone brings me anxiety) but at least i’m not disgusted by the thought of sex or cuddles with women. but i really don’t know if this is all just some kind of trauma or my real feelings and i hate it. i don’t want to insult anyone by saying/thinking i’m bi, but idk if i’m straight either. sorry to dump this on you but i appreciate all thoughts/advice you have 🙏🏽 thank you 💕💕

hey!! so first of all, youre not insulting anyone by thinking you might be bi. sexuality is confusing and made even more confusing by things such as heteronormativity and compulsory heterosexuality, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with being unsure or by questioning your sexuality. honestly, we understand.i think it is important to first acknowledge that sexuality is fluid, the label you use now might not be the one you will be using in a few years, bc with time you learn to understand yourself and your feelings better. there are many labels that you might feel attracted to, there might not be a single one, and thats okay. some people love labels, but some ppl also really love pineapple pizza, and they can both be awful if you dont like them. don’t pressure yourself bc you think you need to know immediately and stick with that forever! one word that actually really helped me personally is queer. because it is a beautifully inclusive words that didnt push any particular definition on me, other than not-straight/cis.

i am very sorry that such a terrible thing happened to you. its perfectly understandable that this affects the way you view men/ relationships in general, and i think its gonna be hard work to distinguish those feelings of trauma from those pertaining to your sexuality, but i can try to tell you a little of my own journey and what helped me with my feelings.

ofc the most important question is always: can you imagine being with a woman? can you imagine falling in love with a woman? what do you feel when you see women, what do you feel when you see women together? these are questions that seem to be v easy but really arent when you’re questioning your sexuality. for me, it started with realising that there were many many women i found incredibly beautiful. ofc beauty doesnt determine sexuality, but finding beauty in someone you might be attracted to is .. different. it goes deeper than just appreciating someone aesthetically.(bringing sex into the equation is always tricky bc sexual feelings (esp between women) can be buried under many many layers of internalised homophobia, like i used to say ‘i love women but i dont wanna have sex with them’ and after getting over layers and layers of IH to finally acknowledge that i wasnt straight and another 3 years to be comfortable with having sex with women, i asked someone for advice for questioning your sexuality and she said ‘do u wanna go down on a girl’ and i was like ‘lol yeh’ and that was that, but then you can also love women without desiring them sexually, but being okay by the thought of having sex/cuddling with women is already a pretty big indicator and i’d advise you to continue that line of thought!) personally, while thinking of the possibility of not being straight was very scary, it also brought an immense feeling of relief once i managed to be honest with myself.

be open with yourself, be gentle with yourself. connect with others, listen to their stories, educate yourself and expand your view on sexuality. allow yourself to grow. remember that it is okay to be confused, it is okay to question it. i still do sometimes, many of us do. its frustrating now but the confusion doesnt last forever. feelings are a mess, allow yourself the time to understand them.

i hope this whole thing wasnt a complete mess tho and it helped somewhat adjksaksdh

[sunsetsover]

Thoughts on some of the asks you've had recently!!

1. I think outside of Stan Tumblr and Twitter where there is anti-Whitney sentiment from some corners, Callum is likely being viewed with a lot of sympathy right now. Part of this is because he's nice and likeable, showing sympathetic symptoms etc. And part bc he's a former soldier w named PTSD... like I don't think I need to elaborate on why people accept that particular narrative more easily!!

2. Like anon I also appreciate that you shared your thoughts on Ben having BPD and how we can view his character through that. I also know someone on Twitter has put forward a good case for Ben having cPTSD which I think fits too (and it's not like he can't have just one lol)

3. Having said that if the EE writers so much as touch on Ben having cPTSD I predict Stan Twitter might just implode w rage bc it's "Callum's Thing" and "Ben shouldn't have an excuse for his actions" 🥴 And again tying into making it a competition, but also Callum being a recognisable face of PTSD as a soldier/police who can be sympathised w vs Ben who... isn't that lmao. I doubt it'll ever happen bc I'm not sure the writers/audience are ready to confront PTSD caused by childhood trauma and an unsympathetic person living w it, especially when it implicates Phil whose like the face of the show lmao

4. I'm looking at a lot of this rn w interest because it really does epitomise the acceptable vs unacceptable mental illness, what trauma is recognised and amed and what isn't, which actions are viewed as forgivable vs which actions label you a Bad Person.

5. I think this discourse (lol) is a bit different to Isaac's story bc the Callum/Ben conversations are more about reactions to two characters and how their mh is received and treated by fans and the writers and how the very fact Callum has named PTSD says a lot abt certain sterotypes/attitudes. Whereas Isaac's story is ongoing and will deliberately seek to challenge similar stereotypes by using other characters as mouthpieces for different stereotyped views of his illness. Idk does that make sense? The Ballum stuff is a discussion that sits v much outside of the canon writing as a critique if how and why characters get certain labels and stories, while Isaac's is a canon issue led story??

6. I could write an Essay about how reactions to Ben tie into attitudes toward offenders and the criminal justice system, rehabilitation etc but... maybe another day lmao

bro how u send me all this i swear they have a character limit on asks 😭 i love it tho lemme go thru it point by point like u did

1. idk how it didn't dawn on me that the sympathy for callum coming from the gp would be bc he's a soldier... like idk how that didn't occur to me.... even when that other anon talked abt the acceptable face of ptsd i thought yeah people know ptsd mainly bc of soldiers but like... idk i just Forgot how a certain demographic of ppl who consider soliders and police the Pinnacle of humanity so ofc they'd be sympathetic and understanding..... idk HOW i didn't think of that but thank you for bringing that up to me omg

2. it's actually crazy that u bring that up bc me and vikki @permetstu were just talking abt this the other day bc i was surprised at how many overlapping symptoms there are between bpd and ptsd and so i googled it and found that actually bpd and cptsd are pretty commonly confused as each other BECAUSE of the overlap in symptoms !!!! but you're dead on, they can and often do co-occur bc both ptsd and bpd are rooted in trauma. i personally still would lean towards bpd for ben over cptsd bc of his abandonment issues which seem (from a quick google tbf so it's not like im an expert lmao) to occur in bpd but not in cptsd. but like i said im not an expert and they can co-exist !! i just think it's very interesting how other ppl are spotting the same things and talking abt a diagnosis that is so commonly misdiagnosed as bpd and vice versa. like at least i know im not imagining it lmao !!!

3 + 4. sadly i think you're right lmao that's exactly what i meant when i was talking abt there being an outcry if there was ever to be a bpd diagnosis for ben bc he's 'bad rep' bc of the things he's done. in that post i was talking abt bpd exclusively but you could apply that to any mental illness and you'd get ppl saying that they're excusing his behaviour instead of explaining it. ppl don't want explanations for someone's 'bad' i.e. outward behaviour/actions, not in characters and not in real life. ppl are more sympathetic to ppl who internalize their symptoms and/or have symptoms that don't really affect others, and i think that's another reason why ppl sympathise w callum more. i think it just comes down to ppl not wanting to understand the complexities of mental illness bc it's just easier to pass those behaviours off as personal issues/failure, someone's personality, someone being 'bad' etc etc u know? whereas something like ptsd fits a lot nicer into a box. for an outsider, it's less complicated, esp in someone like callum. callum saw/experienced bad things in the army, now he has this trigger that makes him act out a little bit. if you look at it in it's barest terms, it's a very defined cause and effect that is easy to understand. obviously it's not that simple, but that's how ppl view it. most mental illnesses don't have that very clear cause and effect, and therefore it's, for some reason, incredibly hard for ppl to wrap their head around. even if you were to say ben had ptsd too, it'd still be difficult for ppl bc what he's been thru 'isn't as bad' as what callum has, so what do you mean he's traumatised ?? like honestly there is a problem with how we all collectively view trauma. even when i first started having counselling and ppl were tellind me 'this thing traumatised u' i'm like ??? that's not Trauma tho. but trauma doesn't have to mean something horrific or violent. there is no threshold for trauma and it hurts all of us to have one. if smth fuck u up, it fucked u up. just bc u weren't in a warzone or physically abused in some way doesn't mean you can't still be traumatised, and i think that's a difficult pill for ppl to swallow.

5. when i said that i didn't mean to compare their storylines, i just kind of meant look at the reactions (both on screen and off) to callum's symptoms vs ben's vs isaac's. they're all mentally ill (as far as i'm concerned lmao) but you've got someone who's very easily sympathised with vs someone who is unsympathetic bc of his behaviour vs someone who is unsympathetic bc they're 'scary' or 'crazy'. it comes back the same issues of how obvious is the cause and effect and how sympathetic are their symptoms. but yeah, i agree isaac's sl is completely different for all the reasons you said but also the conversation of (mis)diagnosis in poc for these types of things and also medicating these types of illnesses but that's a whole other conversation but yh lmao i was purely just comparing different reactions to different illnesses and presentations of those illnesses, that's all !

6. i do not know enough abt this particular topic to have an Opinion but i do know enough to know you're right and that you for bringing this up to me bc it will def be smth for me to consider moving forward !!!

💞💞💞