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voxofthevoid · 4 years

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Taking It Up The Ass Isn’t Character Growth - A Rant

So, in response to an ask a while back, I said I had a rant brewing on fandom and sex positions, and well, a lot of you wanted to see it, so here you go. You literally asked for it.

Disclaimer: This is going to talk a lot about top/bottom roles in slash fic and fandom attitude towards them and is heavily filtered through the lens of my own tastes and experiences with fandom. I’d also like to be upfront that I am 100% in favor of people writing whatever fictional content they want, and it’s not what fandom does with characters that bothers me but rather how that translates into attitudes towards real, live people. Also, this is the essay version of a slow burn AU because I regurgitate my entire fandom history before getting to the point. Beware.

I discovered fan-fiction around a decade ago, had no clue what the hell it was, got hooked and dived deeper. I started participating in fandom circa 2013, and I was fairly young and also completely inexperienced both sexually and romantically. The fandom in question was Hannibal and my ship of choice was Hannibal/Will. It was/is a very chill fandom in general, but we had our drama. And chief among the contentious topics was—you guessed it—the top/bottom debate. I can’t actually remember any other topic that was discussed and argued for so ardently in that fandom, at least in those days. Even after I drifted away, I came across a few posts on the matter.

Generally, you had two camps—people who supported strict roles and those who were in favor of switching*. And because we’re a society plagued by illogical assumptions, the strict role camp mostly had people who thought Mr. Big Bad Cannibal in the Fancy Suits wouldn’t take it up the ass because he’s older, more experienced, more mentally stable, and of course, more ‘dominant’ in personality. Yes, that sentence is chock full of problematic shit. I am aware. Lots of people were aware and argued strongly against attributing top/bottom roles to personality. I don’t remember anyone arguing as enthusiastically for Top Will, but those voices were also there. But the general idea was that assigning strict top/bottom roles to a male/male couple was casting them in a heterosexual mold and thus, the progressive option was to make them switch. Strict roles also garnered comparisons to “yaoi” and uke/seme stereotypes, which was of course bad and fetishizing and we, the Western media fans, of course had to do better. Stealth racism is fun to untangle.

Anyway, I lapped up the woke juice. Partly because I was a baby queer from Buttfuck Nowhere, Asia, who had zero exposure to LGBT+ communities and what queer folks did with each other. Partly because it was the stance taken by most of my favorite writers so it seemed like a good position to emulate.

Emulate it I did. Most discussions I had about this happened in private with the handful of close friends I had in fandom. Where it really showed was in my writing. I made sure to write switching—maybe not in every fic, but then I alternated between fics. Thing is though, I did have a preference. I liked Top Will. I created and consumed a ton of Top Hannibal, and sometimes it was okay, sometimes it was not, but I couldn’t pinpoint why it made me uncomfortable. Back then, I thought I was a cis questioning/bi girl and once again, the impression I got was that not being MLM, having a preference was automatic fetishization. So I tried my best to justify my preferences, to my friends at least. I think what I said was that fandom was skewed towards Top Hannibal, and I liked the opposite because I’m a contrary fuck. Which I am, to be fair, but this was just me desperately trying to figure shit out without being offensive.

That’s the line I touted all the way until 2018, which was when I fucked off to grad school in A City, finally freed of Buttfuck Nowhere and able to actually date. At this point, I was settled in my sexuality (girls only) and questioning my gender (non-binary or trans guy). I had also tentatively figured out during undergrad that I’m an exclusive top and a Dom. Actual attempts at dating cemented that, yes, those are my preferences, about as flexible as a steel rod. Cue motherfucking epiphany over my fanfic tastes.

And see, over these years, I was engaging intermittently with fandom. I dutifully wrote switch couples. I also continued to have rigid tastes and continued to explain it away as being a contrary fuck—to be fair, until Steve/Bucky, my preference did seem to be the opposite of the larger fandom preference. But correlation, as we know, isn’t causation. Until Steve/Bucky, I continued to write versatile couples because I honestly didn’t have the guts to just say I liked it just one way. I do now but even then, I feel compelled to add that it’s because I want to see my own taste reflected in fic, so I write/read the character I relate to as a top, it's not that deep etc. Would I be as forthright if I didn’t have that reason? Would I have such strict preferences in fic if I didn’t have strict preferences IRL? The latter’s a mystery, but the former isn’t—I wouldn’t be because fandom is still entrenched in the same ideas that got me to this point to begin with.

In every fandom I’ve been in, I’ve seen some version of this debate go around. Sometimes, it’s one party saying “why would you write Character X as a bottom, he’s so Reason A” and a reblog chain that insults the OP and/or extols the virtues of switching. Sometimes, it’s a general-ish message that says they don’t understand why people have strict preferences when we all know real gay couples switch. Sometimes, it’s blanket statements that accuse anyone with preferences of fetishizing. Sometimes, it’s the same reasoning that gets you “Character Y is a top because of Reason B” transposed on versatile couples except this takes the form of “they switch because they’re equals.”

Ya’ll, I’m fucking tired.

I have long since lost count of the number of stories I’ve seen where an exclusive top learning bottom and liking it is character growth. Where a character who prefers to bottom taking a turn on top is empowering.

Isolated, these are fine. But I’ve seen enough of such stories that it’s distinctly discomfiting and a major squick. Sometimes a trigger, if I'm too immersed in the story. I’m not going to try and burn an author at the stake because they pissed me off. I am just going to close that window and quietly handle my shit. People can write whatever they want. But this one theme hits too close to home, as you can see from this 1.6k rant.

My friend (also my ex-girlfriend) and I had an all-out bitching session about this the other day. Both of us are kinky fuckers who have rigid, complementary roles we prefer and we have both had our grueling days of struggling to reconcile our sexual tastes with our ideologies precisely because of how these things are frowned upon in conservative and progressive circles. Seeing that in fandom, of all places, is both insulting and exhausting. Topping and bottoming aren’t personality traits. Neither is D/s. It’s sexual preference and power play. It really does not have to be that deep. I am not exorcising childhood trauma using the bodies of women. My partners, former and current, have not been brainwashed by the patriarchy. We will not become better, more complete individuals once I magically stop being a stone top and my partners embrace the joys of a strap-on.

I have, with my own two eyes, seen someone say that in a really committed relationship, of course the couple will switch.

Bullshit.

It’s transparent bullshit. This does not get attributed to cisgender M/F couples. Even when the automatic assumptions of woman = bottom and man = top get addressed, switching isn't presented as the default. No one’s saying “oh, if you really love your husband, you’ll peg him”. I do know butch/femme sapphic couples get their own share of shit. Because it’s all heteronormativity, right? Can’t have any other reason for top/bottom roles.

You have two extremes with “so who’s the woman” on one end and “it’s woke only if they switch” on the other, and as far as I’m concerned, they’re equally damaging. There shouldn’t be a pressure, however subtle, to conform your taste in fiction to some arbitrary idea of progressiveness. People are going to like whatever they want anyway; all this does is create an atmosphere where those likes can’t always be freely expressed without a lot of mental gymnastics. We’re seeing so many versions of this in the pushback against so-called problematic content, but smaller, subtler versions exist too.

Fictional characters aren’t real. They can be whatever you want them to be. And yes, other people will often want them to be the exact opposite of your ideas, but that’s just how things work. Meanwhile, the people behind these usernames? They’re real. No one should be throwing real people under the bus to ‘protect’ characters that don’t exist. Hannibal Lecter doesn’t care whether he gets fucked or dismembered in Author B’s fanfiction, but the discourse that surrounds the dick up his ass? That does affect flesh and blood people.

I am not claiming that this is the only attitude in fandom. Middlegrounds do exist. Plenty of people abide by fic and let fic and there are folks who pipe up to say not every RL queer couple switches. But it’s often the extremes that reach most people. That was certainly my experience, and I’m not the only one.

I don’t really know how to end this post. It is 100% a rant and one that’s been building up for a while. Bottom line is that people’s sexual behavior varies wildly and whenever you attack sexual tastes in fanfic by saying it’s unrealistic - or worse because let’s be real, that’s a very tame word choice - please remember that there’s likely someone out there who practices it.

* I’m using switch and versatile synonymously in this post. It’s mostly concerned with top/bottom debates. A lot of what I’m saying is also echoed in portrayals of and discussions surrounding D/s dynamics, but I’m not addressing that as much for now.

#fandom #top bottom discourse #wow that's a tag #here it is the rant i promised #because i don't quite trust tumblr i feel compelled to add that this is ofc not some kind of attack on actual people who switch either #you do you man #live your best life #vox has opinions

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silver-wield · 4 years

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Final Fantasy 7R review

I finished the game this morning and I already have regrets that there’s nothing left for me to do besides replay and anxiously wait for news of the next installment. I want more. I want to not have finished it yet. I need to know what happens next, not just in the updated story, but with the game mechanics, too. I’m happy the team is taking their time to make the game as good as it deserves to be, but on the other hand I wanna throw a toddler tantrum demanding the rest of my game!

Beware, spoilers.

The bad stuff

To be fair, not a lot from where I’m sitting. I’ve seen people bitch about textures and how the scrap yards don’t look dynamic enough and some stuff is flat, but seriously, why are yall looking at the walls? They’re the least interesting thing about the game and you’re just nitpicking. The graphics overall were amazing and I stopped multiple times just to rotate the camera and take in this massive city we actually get to really explore for the first time ever!

I have to admit a slight disappointment in the amount of space, verbally, that was happening. There were times where I expected characters to make comments and they said nothing. Things were overlooked or just not addressed and it wasn’t even anything plot related, just a point where there could have been dialogue and it didn’t happen. It wasn’t often, but those few times the air was left dead I noticed it. The most notable time was in chapter 17, right after Sephiroth appeared on the gangway. Now, I get them being too shocked to say anything when he’s right in front of them, but after, when they separate and fall into two groups? Nothing? No comment? Tifa, I definitely expected to say something in a shocked tone, but even after they found Cloud again, she didn’t mention it. It was like the moment didn’t happen. I know the other times nobody else but Cloud saw him, but this time they saw him, and he’s linked to Tifa’s past too, so she definitely should’ve had some kind of comment in that empty space.

That was the only major point, but other small ones were when people were talking and one character remains silent. The only one I expect to never speak if he doesn’t have to is Cloud. Because it’s Cloud. Everyone else should have something to say. Like when they climbed the stairs. If you took the stairs - I was all done in from so many fights and just wanted a break - then you got hilarious commentary from Barret, Cloud and Tifa. It showed how close they’ve become. Cloud made a joke! His second one of the game! If you missed the first, it’s likely because you obsessed over him going on about money all the time and saying that’s all he cares about when he’s with Tifa. So, yeah, after being shown how the group can talk to each other and banter I’m hoping Square adds more chatter to the next game. I know some people prefer less chatter, but this is a group of people who are supposed to be shown as friends, so conversation is important.

The other thing that got on my nerves was the mechanics of the weapons upgrade. Unless I missed a shortcut, having to go out of each one and then into the next one instead of just switching over to the next weapon’s skill tree. It took a long time to level things up and I wish there was an option in the auto to just unlock every skill one at a time, so they’d do it on auto without me having to go in there. And the ATB. That got on my nerves. I’m lazy af, so I’d like for action to just pause whenever someone’s atb fills so I can give them a command and then go back to the battle instead of having one eye on all the atbs. It’s probably more classic than Square wants to go with it, but having that as a battle option would be nice and a further throwback to the old style of gameplay.

The good

Everything from chapter 3 onwards. The intro chapters were good, too, but I really just wanted to dig into the game and that didn’t happen until chapter 3. The VAs killed it! Graphics were amazing! The weapon abilities were fun and added something different to the regular gameplay style of just grabbing the next strongest weapon. Side quests were enjoyable and I wish there was more of them, especially a save the citizens for after the plate fell. That really would've hammered home the tragedy.

The story

I’ve seen people - mostly OG fans - bashing the new elements. Sure, the whispers are a weird angle to come at it from, but the explanation for them, that they’re trying to maintain the OG storyline, made for an interesting twist on a 25 year old story. Sephiroth’s early appearance was just something that had to happen, along with a Jenova fight, because, come on, this section of the OG was like 3hrs worth of content and this is 40hrs, so ofc they had to include new things and it matches with the new storyline and I think people need to release their death grip on the OG storyline and enjoy this game for what it is.

I found the ripple effect(?) interesting too. From what we learned, the OG happened in the future. If things hadn’t changed that’s the future everyone was heading towards. Ok, cool, pretty simple.

This timeline had small changes. Biggs, Wedge and Jessie survived!? Or did Wedge finally get shoved off a building at the end, I really couldn’t tell if he bought it that time, but if he did I’m mad cause he was adorable. The plate falling didn’t have as big a casualty number as originally, either. And Hojo almost spilled the beans to Cloud early, but was cut off, and that’s the other thing Cloud ignored in dialogue afterwards, but it’s Cloud, so we’ll give him a security pass for that. The others ignoring his Ptsd induced freak outs isn't cool though and I expect Square to fix that level of callousness towards him from the others.

Those are the only two changes from the OG. Sephiroth showing up early instead of in Nibelheim doesn’t really matter. He’s his usual cryptic asshole self and his goal is unchanged. The team just knows he’s the big bad earlier now and have a solid goal instead of just randomly wandering after they leave Midgar. So, yeah, does Biggs, Wedge and Jessie living make a big difference overall? Will that ripple from them being alive make further changes?

We also saw that Zack survived because of our team, but the Zack in their timeline is still dead. I think we saw it this way because the planet is trying to find a way to prevent being hit with Meteor and ending up with geostigma, so the OG timeline, everything was still bad. Our timeline gives possibilities for a slightly better future and then the timeline behind it - the one with Zack - offers even better odds, not that we’ll see that. That’s the timeline I think Aerith will live through, so that way Square can say Aerith lives, just not in the game we play now.

Shipping

I’m not into wars, so if you love Aerith, cool good for you, I was focused on building affinity with Tifa and Square didn’t disappoint! There were so many romantic moments between them! And damn do they have chemistry! I squeed at such a high pitch the dog next door started howling! All the small touches, longing looks, affection, support, trust and OMGOSH IT WAS JUST THE BEST!!! They were so damn cute!!

I have no idea how the game changes if you focus on Aerith and to be honest I don’t want to. I think that’s what I love about the options for that. You can choose and no one can say your choice isn’t valid.

One thing though, I would like an end to it because it’s 25 years of people arguing and it’s made the entire fandom toxic af and it’s actually the reason I avoid most of the final fantasy discourse because people can’t be civil to each other. Square should finally say once and for all that Cloud/ is canon and the other isn’t, instead of throwing a bone to them and being all “maybe if things were like this”, like no, pull on your big boy pants, Square, man tf up like Barret on a mission, and tell people who is the canon pairing in this damn game so people can just stfu and enjoy playing it without getting flamed.

This is why I want a FF8R because at least there’s no doubt who the couple is in that one.

Smol stuff

I’ve seen complaints about new characters being 1 dimensional, but they’re new characters in a game series that’s a trilogy, so they’re likely gonna appear again. Roche seemed added not just to give Cloud a boss to fight in the bike event, but also to show there’s other SOLDIERs beyond Cloud and Zack and the ones from Crisis Core, which not everyone has played.

Same goes for Leslie. I liked that dude and I’m interested to see him pop up again. His design wasn’t the typical bad guy henchman, easily disposed, thank you very much for playing. He has a story and I’m betting that’s not the last we see of him.

Again, same goes for Cloud’s infantry buddies. I’ve not played CC, but I get they’re from that, so will we see them again at some point? What about other CC characters?

Best Bits

Cloud in a dress. “Nailed it, thank you, moving on.”

Cloud dancing. Boy got moves and I wanna see him dance again!

Cloud/Tifa. Complimenting her like a smooth mutherfucker.

Cloud/Tifa Battle couple. They were my absolute favourite fighting combo and definitely kicked all the ass!

Cloud/Tifa. All the shipping bits, but especially jumping off the train and then trusting her to go kick Corneo’s ass. That’s how you show you know your girl

Wedge. Kitty momma

Biggs death. Damn you, Square, you got me all choked up.

Red. Specifically the bit where he highfived Barret with his tail lool

Barret. “Damn it, Red.”

Reno. Just Reno in general killed me. Love his conscience though and that he’s not a 1 trick pony.

Tifa/Aerith. Had more chemistry than Aerith/Cloud. Yeah, I said it.

Barret and Marlene. Such a good daddy! His expression with her was like a whole different person!

Aerith bitchslapping a would-be rapist with a chair.

Cloud/Tifa/Aerith teamup to threaten Don Corneo’s balls - though I only include Aerith since she was there and she was about as threatening as a cupcake.

Conclusion

I want moar! I really hope the next one comes out soon! It’s not the same as OG, but has the best bits of OG along with something new to bring in a new generation of fans. The alt timeline angle feels fresh and open to possibilities and I’m excited to play this game for what it is, instead of comparing it and demanding for the OG like a crusty whisper lool

#final fantasy 7 remake #ffviir #FF7R review spoilers #FF7R spoilers #FFVIIR game review #I fucking loved this #I'm just sad it's over for now

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my-fanfic-soul · 7 years

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No Need to Regret: Chapter 20

From the Beginning

When I was a kid, Brad was typically the one that would comfort me when I was upset. My parents couldn’t be bothered and Abi just always seemed to be missing that natural instinct to be nurturing. He did his best, but in all honesty, he didn’t have much to base his attempts off of. But, when things went bad he would always tell me, “Things always have to get worse before they get better.” A phrase he had seen on the wall in his elementary guidance counselor’s office wall.

Lately, I’ve been aggressively willing the universe to get around to the “better” portion of this roller coaster. I had found myself obsessively checking social media, particularly twitter and tumblr, to keep up with what people were posting about Niall. While the initial fervor had died down around the whole “Kendra is a manipulative user” there was still frequent discourse over my very existence.

Naturally, reading the negative things about myself and watching the rumors expand about the depth of my internal ugliness, I started feeling even more negative about myself in general. With more and more gossip magazines picking up the story and paparazzi yelling at Niall on the streets, looking for a comment on what my mother had said, I was feeling guilty on top of it all not just about not being with my brothers and sisters, but putting Niall in a bad light. Making someone “problematic” in the fandom who previously had not been.

This only caused issues between me and Niall. “Keni, I’m trying to make you feel better about yourself but it’s damn near impossible if you’re still reading that crap all the time,” he had snapped after listening to me argue against him on a supposedly good trait he claimed I had. Maybe snapped isn’t the right word, but he was definitely getting snippy and losing his patience with me. We had less time to talk than usual, with him getting ready for the first leg of his tour and being in rehearsal and he didn’t like spending so much of it hearing me rehash the worst parts of my day and the internet.

If work was normally a reprieve, because at least I was busy, the tides had definitely turned there, as well. Samantha was always asking a million and one questions about Niall and our relationship. When she wasn’t asking about Niall, she was wanting to know about the relationship between me and my mother and the full back story. She meant well, and I knew she was concerned because the image my mother painted in the magazine was worlds different than the Kendra she knew, but it was exhausting to have to keep evading her and being as vague as possible when I couldn’t escape.

School had finally started, but it was only a bit of a welcome distraction. I felt like I was under a microscope everywhere I went. Even if they weren’t look at me and whispering comments that I could still faintly hear, I felt like everyone was staring at me. It was enough to drive a girl insane and school had only just started… it would only get worse from here.

The best part about the entire thing was that Michaela had gone from the friendly barista I talked to whenever she was free to being an actual friend that lived in the same town as me. She didn’t know my full backstory, and made a point of letting me know she didn’t actually want to know. “With a mom like that, it can’t be pleasant,” she had said when I offered to fill her in on why my mother was a pig.

“I went off on a girl on Twitter earlier,” she casually mentioned as she leaned against the counter in my tiny kitchen. She was currently watching me do my best Jenga impersonation as I attempted to pull out a few mugs for us without pulling everything else out of my crammed kitchen cabinets.

I blew a strand of hair out of my mouth as I finally climbed back off the counter and placed both mugs on the counter. “Oh? Why’s that?”

Michaela snorted as she watched me methodically prepare our tea. She was still a skeptic about my technique making a difference. “She was being a total bitch about you. I couldn’t take it anymore and I freaked out on her. Told her she obviously didn’t know who or what she was talking about if she was saying those things about you.”

“I appreciate the support, but it won’t change anything. It’ll just make you a target.”

“You should tell that to your sister. Abi has been going off ever since the article was released.”

I sighed, remembering reading a post where my sister was blistering a girl for painting my mother in a positive light. “I know, and I’ve tried to stop her. As much as she wasn’t the sweet sister you’d go talk to about boys while you painted each other’s toenails, she is extremely protective of all of us. I almost think she’s enjoying having a reason to rage at all of the assholes that inhabit the internet.”

Michaela shook her head as she grabbed her mug and pulled it closer to her, swirling the tea bag around in the rapidly darkening water. “What’s Niall got to say about all of that?”

It was my turn to shake my head. “He’s still royally pissed about the article, but there’s nothing we can do about it. He really wishes Abi would back off her one-man Twitter rampage, but he knows we can’t control her. He’s got enough on his hands as it is.”

Her look was sympathetic now. We don’t talk about my relationship much. She knows I’m private and she won’t press for details. “When are you going to get to see him again? Ballpark estimate.”

“Spring break.”

She tutted as she went to pull her tea bag out of her mug. “I don’t know how you can manage it, only seeing him every few months.”

“It’s not easy but what choice do I have? He travels the world for a living and I’m still in college. I can’t exactly become a groupie and follow him everywhere. I think we’d start to get on each other’s nerves if I tried that.”

---

Even without my siblings to take care of, school and work were both kicking my ass. I was taking as many hours of classes as I could and working as many hours as I could, despite the awkwardness of dealing with people on campus. The first few days I tried to hide as much as possible to avoid the stares, but eventually I decided that it just wasn’t practical. It didn’t matter if I was crammed into a corner on the floor in a building I didn’t even have a class in, people would stare. At least I could be comfortable while people treated me like a zoo exhibit.

I was sitting in the student union building struggling through some readings when my phone rang. I glanced at it, expecting for it to be Niall or Michaela, but my stomach dropped when I saw Bethany’s name on the screen. It felt like I stalled, shocked to see her name and worried it might be my mother’s latest trick to get me to listen to her yelling. Most recently she had decided that I owed Mike an apology. From an outsider’s view, I probably dropped my book as soon as I saw her name as I scrambled to find my phone.

“Hello?” I said, my voice sounding miles away.

For a moment, my shoulders relaxed as I heard my sister’s voice reply, “Kendra!” But then my mind connected with the stress and strain in her voice and the tension came back.

“Beth, what’s wrong?”

There was no missing it now, there was panic in Bethany’s words. “It’s Olivia. She’s sick again and she just won’t quit coughing. I’ve been home with her for a week and she just keeps getting worse. I don’t know what to do. I tried going next door, but they’re out of town…”

I was already shoving things in my backpack. “Where’s mom?” I asked her as I heaved the straps over my shoulders.

My stomach turned to ice as she replied, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen her in two weeks.” I could hear the coughing in the background get louder, like she was moving closer to Livy. “Keni, I think her lips are turning blue. I’ve been trying to use her medicine from the last time she was sick, but I ran out.”

Now wasn’t the time to play twenty questions and it definitely wasn’t the time, or place, to start screaming about our useless mother. “Bethany, I need you to listen to me. I’m going to hang up because I need you to call 911. I’ll take care of calling dad and I’m on my way down there now. It’s going to take me a couple of hours, but I promise I’m on my way.”

I don’t remember getting off the phone. I don’t remember what she said. I don’t remember calling my dad, only the beep as it was sent to voicemail. I was on the edge of campus when I remembered that I don’t have a car. A brief moment of panic settled over me as I scrambled for some solid way to get to my sisters. I didn’t have the money for a cab all the way to my hometown. That was a once a year luxury. I had a close friend now, but it was too far away for me to ask to borrow Michaela’s car.

Staying here wasn’t an option. Abi was at a wedding out of state, so she couldn’t go to the hospital. Brad loses money he can’t afford to lose when he misses work. Even if they were available, I need to be there. My terror was overwhelming and only getting worse the longer I stood here. Mom hadn’t been home in weeks. Bethany hadn’t told me, for whatever reason. Livy is sick enough to need an ambulance. I’m hours away from them.

The only option was clear, but I hated resorting to it. I took a deep breath and swallowed my pride, though. My sisters were in a bad spot and it wasn’t time to let my ego get the better of me. A weird feeling filled my veins as I opened my contacts, something between being numb and being sick to my stomach, except all over my body. It was probably dumb, but part of me felt like this phone call was more than me just asking for a favor. A thick accent answered after the third ring. “Ken, I’m busy, can I call you later…”

“Niall,” I rushed, praying he wouldn’t hang up. “I need you to hire a car for me from here to my hometown.”

It came out wrong. Like I was demanding that he had to do this. The silence from his end only lasted a beat though, and he picked up on the things I wasn’t saying. “Kendra, what’s wrong?” Quickly, I explained that my mom had left the kids alone and that Bethany was having to take Olivia to the hospital and I needed to get home, I just didn’t have the money to get there. I heard him telling his assistant to schedule the car to pick me up as soon as possible from my apartment, so I started walking. “Any idea where your mother is?”

“I have no clue,” I seethed, checking traffic as I crossed the street. “If I think about her right now, I’m likely to break something, though. I know this is going to be expensive, though, Niall. I promise I’ll pay you back as soon as I can.”

“No, you won’t,” he says smoothly. “I don’t care about the cost. Just let me know when you need to head back up to uni.”

I hadn’t really put much thought to my classes. I’d need to email my professors, let them know that a family emergency came up… “I don’t even know when I’ll need to head back. I’m probably going to take a few days’ worth of clothes. There’s no way I’m going to leave if Livy’s in the hospital overnight.”

“I know you won’t.” There’s something in his voice I can’t identify and I don’t get the chance before he says, “I hope you know that I’m buying you a car now.”

I don’t even know how to argue about it anymore.

---

It was hours later before I was walking to the information desk in the ER in my hometown. I spent the ride bouncing my foot and checking my phone constantly. Brad was upset, but he couldn’t leave work. Abi was too far away to do anything. The minutes seemed to tick by as I wondered how other people my age could have so few responsibilities. What it would be like to not have the weight of the world on my shoulders. “Olivia Freeman?” I ask the middle-aged woman behind the desk, who looks at me with shrewd eyes. “She’s seven, came in on an ambulance a few hours ago.”

Before the woman can open her mouth, I hear, “Kendra!” I barely have a chance to turn around before Bethy is colliding into me. I can tell she’s spooked and my arms wrap around her immediately. All of the emotions of the last few months try to force their way to the surface and I have to fight them back down. It didn’t matter, all that mattered was my younger sisters. “Olivia’s back getting x-rays right now. They wouldn’t let me go with her.”

“How is she? How are you?” I demand, holding her at arm’s length so I can get a better look at her. She looks exhausted and terrified and I have to swallow my anger again. “You look like you haven’t slept in ages.”

Beth shrugged, avoiding the questions about herself. “I don’t know,” she said, her face screwed up in annoyance. “I’ve been out of the room a lot. Social workers and the police have been asking me a bunch of questions about mom and why we were alone. I know they had a hard time getting her to stop coughing and she’s on oxygen. I think I heard a doctor say something about pneumonia.”

Beth led me back towards the patient rooms. A nurse intercepted us just before Beth stepped through the curtain and asked, “Are you Olivia Freeman’s older sister?” I nodded. “You’re listed as her emergency contact and we still haven’t been able to get in contact with either of your parents.”

There’s a big surprise. “My dad doesn’t answer his personal line during work,” I lied. He probably saw that I had called and decided to ignore all of his calls until he didn’t have an excuse any longer. “He’ll be fine with me making decisions until we can get him to answer his phone. How is she?”

The nurse is just finishing filling me in on what’s wrong with her and scaring me with the talk of how low her oxygen saturation was when she came in, when the curtain is pulled back and they push a wheelchair through with Olivia hunched over in it.

“Liv!” I choke out, realizing just how scared I’ve been, too. She looks… awful. Pale and so small in a much too large wheelchair. It’s a small town, they don’t have a children’s ER or children sized wheelchairs. The worst was the tubes in her nose, attached to the oxygen tank and just how weak she looks. Miserable wasn’t a strong enough word to describe the way she looked.

She reached her arms out to me as she said my name and the nurses didn’t argue as I picked her up to transfer her back to her hospital bed. I sit down next to her, brushing her hair out of her face and trying not focus on the IV in her arm and the monitor they were reattaching to her finger. She was uncomfortable after having to be moved around for the x-ray, so I gave a nurse permission to give her more medication.

“My chest hurts,” she whined, her voice as small as she looked on the large bed.

“I’m sure it does,” I soothed, tucking in the blankets around her. “That’s why the nurse is giving you medicine. It’ll kick in soon, I promise. Try to get some rest.”

“I don’t like this thing in my nose.”

“I wouldn’t either, but you have to keep it in for now. Close your eyes and pretend you’re somewhere fun.” Once she had relaxed next to me, I turned my head to Bethy, who looked miserable as she watched Livy. “This isn’t your fault, Beth. You shouldn’t have ever had to make this call.”

Her mood wasn’t improved. “I should have tried to get help sooner.”

It broke my heart seeing so much of myself in her. I had tried so hard to make sure she didn’t have the life I had growing up, but she had been put in a situation even I had never had to deal with. “This is all mom’s fault. It’s not on you at all. The only thing you could have done differently is ask Noah to tell the school so they could call on your behalf.”

She picked at the corner of the hard-plastic chair she was curled up on. “I couldn’t do that. I haven’t seen him since before mom left.”

“What?!”

“Mom kicked him out a few days after Mike left. She went crazy. She was screaming at us constantly. Noah got sick of it and told her that he was glad that Mike left. That our lives would be better without him. Mom threw his stuff out on the yard. He put all he could in his backpack and gym bag and went to stay with one of his friends.”

My anger was boiling under my skin again. It didn’t improve as Beth spoke. “I would have told my school except the first day she stayed home I thought it wasn’t that big of a deal. Just a dumb cold or something. By two days ago I knew it was bad, but I couldn’t leave her alone and I didn’t want to scare Ethan. He hasn’t been taking things well at all. He’s mad about Mike leaving, you know he always hoped that he’d warm up to him. He’s mad about mom leaving. He’s mad about dad not checking in on us. I haven’t been able to get him to do anything since Noah left.”

The curtain pulled back a few inches and a female voice asked, “Is it alright if I come in?” I said yes and a doctor stepped in and introduced herself. “Are you the big sister?”

“Yeah, I’m Kendra.”

“Olivia’s been a real champ through all of this, but I know she’s glad that you’re here. We have the results from her x-rays and lab work.” She opened an envelope and held up an x-ray. “This is Olivia’s chest. If her lungs were healthy it would be mostly black except for her bones. This white bit here shows us that she has fluid build-up, which is not good. This combined with her lab work is really telling for pneumonia.”

I stared at the scan, wrapping my head around the fact that it was my little sister’s x-ray that I was looking at. “Is it definitely pneumonia, or is there anything else that it could be?”

“We plan to go forward like it is in fact pneumonia at this time.”

The words made me feel like I was about a thousand years old. “So, what do we do? What’s the plan?”

“We’re going to send a specialist down here to talk to you and take a look, since she’s so young. I can tell you that it is very likely that she’s going to be in the hospital for at least a night based on her oxygen saturation when she came in and the look of her scans. There’s a very good chance that due to her age and the severity, she’ll be transferred to a children’s hospital an hour away.”

“Would the children’s hospital be better for her?”

The doctor nodded. “They will be better equipped to deal with a child, and she’ll most likely be more comfortable, as comfortable as she could be in a hospital.” I nodded, wishing that I could curl up and take a nap, too. “Do you have any questions for me?”

I shook my head and she excused herself from the room. It wasn’t a minute later that a nurse was sticking his head in and letting me know that they had finally been able to get ahold of dad and that they were sending a police officer to pick up Noah from school after practice and Ethan from the house.

Time started to blur from that point. Liv fell asleep and I sent Beth to the cafeteria to get something to eat. Niall called and I gave him an update. Dad finally showed up and was questioned by the police officer and a social worker. Then I was questioned by the police officer and the social worker. They were nice enough, just asking about what I knew about the past three weeks and the history of the home, but I just wanted back with Olivia.

I spent most of my time on Olivia’s bed next to her. Even with her medicine, she was calmer when I beside her. Dad never even came up to her. Beth had just finished explaining that she had been digging through mom’s closet looking for more medicine that she may have been hiding when she found the cell phones when Noah and Ethan came through the curtain. Ethan looked as grumpy as Bethany had described him but he hugged me willingly and even through his tough boy act, I could feel him relax.

Noah didn’t even try to hide it, though. “I am so glad to see you,” he sighed as he wedged himself onto the small space left on the bed, Ethan sitting down on the only other chair in the cubicle next to Bethany. “I had no idea she was going through this at all.”

“I know you didn’t, but why didn’t you call me when she kicked you out?”

“I didn’t have my cell phone and I don’t have your number memorized.”

It was hard not to take my anger out on Noah. He was almost 18, a selfish part of me wanted to know if I had spoiled him by not making him be more responsible sooner. I knew it was unfair and that I had done what was best, but in this moment, I wasn’t the most reasonable. “Doesn’t your friend have a computer? You could have found me on Facebook.” His ears turned red, a sure sign that he was embarrassed. “What about the school? I’m listed as an emergency contact for all four of you.”

I could barely hear his mumbled, “I didn’t think about it…”

Deflating immediately, I said, “It’s not your fault, Noah, I’m sorry. Where have you been staying?”

Time accelerated again as an emergency court order was issued giving dad temporary primary custody of the kids. I was signed as a person officially allowed to make decisions on Liv’s account through the hospital. The specialist told us that he wasn’t comfortable keeping her here, so he was going to transfer her to the children’s hospital in dad’s town. I sent the kids up to the cafeteria again, there were just too many people in too small of a space and things were about to get even crazier with us being transferred.

Dad finally came in the room after signing the transfer papers. He barely glanced at Olivia and my mind traveled to the knowledge that in a normal dad, that might be because he didn’t want to see his little girl like this, but he isn’t a normal dad. He cleared his throat and said, “Someone has to ride in the ambulance with Olivia. Will you do it?”

“Of course,” I answered, honestly surprised he even bothered asking instead of just assuming.

“How long are you staying?”

That should have been obvious. “As long as Olivia’s in the hospital.”

“Can you stay with her, then? I have to work.”

Anger billowed up in me again. I couldn’t swallow it, not with him. Not with someone who actually deserved to feel my rage. “Right, I forgot. Everything in the world comes before your kids. It’s not like your youngest child is hospitalized or anything. Heck, you don’t even seem that concerned with the fact there hasn’t been an adult in the house in weeks. Wouldn’t want to interrupt your precious meetings!”

He shook his head dismissively. “You don’t understand.”

I laughed humorlessly. “Of course, I don’t! It’s not like I’m the one who basically raised her while you and mom pretended like you didn’t have kids at all. It’s not like I don’t have a job or college or anything important like that. It’s not like I’m the only one willing to actually sacrifice anything for you children. I don’t want to understand how you’ve managed to justify this.”

His face was turning red. He knew people could hear through the curtains. “That’s enough, Kendra.”

“Actually, I don’t think it is.” Twenty years of frustration was too much to keep contained. I didn’t care who could hear. “You’ve never wanted to parent. I don’t think you even know what being a parent actually is. It’s not just paying child support on time, dad. It’s definitely not pawning them off on your older kids and vaguely hoping nothing bad happens. You haven’t seen your kids since Christmas, not even during their mandated weekends, and you don’t care. You were fine with not hearing from your ex or talking to your kids, meanwhile a fourteen year old was left to take care of the youngest two. Then one of them got sick and didn’t receive medical care. In your head that might seem normal, but I promise you that it’s not. She could have died and your teenage daughter would have had to live with that for the rest of her life. Do you even care?”

Someone cleared their throat and I looked up to see the nurse who had originally talked to me standing there, side eyeing my dad. “The ambulance is here to transport Olivia.”

“Will you stay with her?” he asked me again.

“Of course, I will. It’s not like you’re going to.” He stalked out of the room and I could have sworn the nurse gave me an understanding nod. I turned to Olivia who had woken up as the EMT’s started getting her ready to move over to their gurney. “You’re going to go for another ambulance ride, ok?”

She looked at the gurney uneasily. According to Beth her first experience hadn’t been the best. The EMT that gave her an IV hadn’t exactly been gentle. “Do I have to?” she asked quietly, her hand wrapping around mine.

I nodded and squeezed her hand back. “They won’t need to give you another needle though, I promise. And I’ll be riding with you to the new hospital.” She only let go of my hand long enough to be moved over, and then she grabbed my hand again. I talked to her brightly as we made our way to the ambulance, explaining why they were moving her and that the new hospital was geared towards kids, so she’d be more comfortable there. Dad and the others followed us out to the ambulance and I hugged the other kids while they got everything secured inside.

“Be good for dad,” I told them. “He doesn’t know what he’s doing.” Liv fell asleep pretty soon after the ambulance started moving. I spent most of the ride making small talk with the EMT sitting in the back watching her vitals and texting updates to Abi and Brad. At the new hospital, it was several hours before we were moved into our room. Once Liv was settled and asleep again, I stepped out into the hallway to call Niall.

“How is she?” he asked before he even greeted me. It was the first thing that brought me comfort since I got to the hospital earlier that day, what felt like a million years ago. Niall cared for my family and nothing meant more to me. This is how every other adult in their lives should be reacting.

“She’s stable,” I tell him as I move away from the nurse’s station. “We’re in a permanent room. They want her here for at least three days. She’s sleeping now.”

“Good. Sleep is good for sick people. How are you?”

I played with the edge of my hoodie, glad I thought to bring it with me. “I’m drained, in every way possible. I even ripped into dad at the other hospital because he doesn’t want to be uncomfortable in any of this.”

Niall snorted. “Good, he needed it. He’s a shitty parent.”

I grinned, my first all day. “Yeah, he is.” The grin fell from my face as I said, “I think he’s not going to get much of a choice in it, though. The court has done an emergency order to keep the kids away from mom and everyone from social services to the police are involved. They told dad they’re looking at possible child abandonment and neglect charges. They may have to move in with him.”

“I’m not sure that’s much better.”

I sighed, leaning my head against a wall, the cool tile feeling good against my skin. “In the grand scheme of things, no it’s not. But we don’t have much of a choice. At least he won’t cut me off from them, though.”

Niall is quiet for a minute before he says, “I just hope he doesn't start taking advantage of you. You have work and school to focus on.”

“He doesn't care about those. He's made that perfectly clear. And it's not like I can turn him down. They need someone that cares about them and that's me.”

“I just don't want you giving up everything that is just yours to parent your siblings.”

“There's probably going to be a lot sacrifice for the next few months, Niall. It's the nature of living and change. Things have to get worse before they can get better.”

Master List

Chapter 21

#Niall Horan fan fiction #Niall Horan fan fic #One Direction fan fiction #One Direction fan fic #No Need to Regret #No Need to Regret ch 20 #NNTR #NNTR 20 #Niall Horan fanfiction #Niall Horan fanfic #One Direction fanfiction #One Direction fanfic

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insanereddragon · 7 years

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11 Questions (x4!)

1. always post the rules. 2. answer the questions given by the person who tagged you. 3. write 11 questions of your own and tag 11 (or however many) people to answer them.

Apparently, you guys are thirsty to know more about me. I was tagged by @hisreindeerjumper @thisbirdhadflown @corabe and @elletromil! So 44 answers incoming, under the cut.

(from hisreindeerjumper)

1. What fandom have you been involved in that’s your favorite to date?

Are you seriously going to make me choose between Hannibal and Kingsman? I’ve met so many wonderful people in both fandoms, and while every fandom has their occasional drama and discourse, I’ve found both of these ones are generally such positive and welcoming places, full of top notch creators and consumers alike.

*sighs* Okay, I guess if push came to shove, I’d choose Kingsman, if for no other reason that it is where I met @elletromil, and I’m sure you all know how much I absolutely adore that woman.

2. What did you want to grow up to be when you were little?

Paleontologist, then a cop, and then a forensic psychologist. I figured out at the end of my first year uni that psychology wasn’t for me, but ended up getting a degree in it anyways.

3. Favorite places to shop online?

I don’t shop much online anymore, but when I do it’s mostly on Society6 and Redbubble because I adore supporting all the wonderful artists in our fandoms.

4. first kiss! tell me all about it! and i you haven’t been kissed yet, how do you want it to go down? do you want to be kissed at all?

It was kindergarten (about 6 years old), and I dragged a boy behind the toy cubbies.

5. who was the first author that you read with a voracious hunger?

Brian Jacques and the Redwall series. It was my first ‘fandom’, and it lead to me doing email RPs for a few years.

6. what color looks best on you?

Black or green, but I can pull off certain shades of red on occasion.

7. do you read your horoscope?

Nope.

8. what are you most proud of in your life?

I guess maybe starting a long running anime convention.

9. favorite food & why!

It’s a toss up between my family potato soup or biscuits and gravy. Both remind me of feeling warm and loved during times that were sometimes less in both of those things.

10. what scent do you have the strongest memory association with?

There is one scent, and I don’t even know what it is -- I can’t even describe it -- but whenever I smell it I vividly remember this one summer when I was a child. I don’t smell it often at all, but it always hits me like a punch to the gut just how vividly I remember everything from that summer.

11. favorite tea flavor!

Chamomile, but I like white and other herbal teas too.

(from thisbirdhadflown)

1. We all did embarrassing things as teenagers. Share a story!

I tried to dye my hair blue while I was at boarding school, and instead it failed miserably and I ended up with this sea foam green hair. It was awful. For my birthday that year my mom paid for a stylist to dye it back to my normal brown color because it was so embarrassing I didn’t want to wait for it to grow out.

2. What is a headcanon for one of your OTPs?

Thanks to @deepdarkwaters I will always think that Harry and Merlin communicate secretly to each other (morse code or sign language, or the one time that Harry actually had to use flag semaphore XD)

3. One book that had a huge influence on you?

Hrm, I’m not sure that I have a single book that was a ‘huge influence’ on me. I certainly have favourites, and I’m sure that I’ve taken lessons or ideas from many of the books that I’ve read, but never one that sticks out like a beacon of light.

4. Who is one misunderstood character?

No Face from Spirited Away

5. What are your pet peeves?

Sheets that aren’t laying flat. People flushing with the lid to the toilet open. People who refuse to move to the back of the bus. Wet socks.

6. One thing you wish you knew as a child/teen that you know now?

That the anger and resentment wasn’t worth it, and that forgiveness would be something that I'd be able to find.

7. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

God no, I could never stand my life ending up under the scrutiny that seems to inevitably come from fame.

8. Best part about getting older?

The freedom to do what you want, once you realize that it’s okay to let yourself do those things.

9. One thing you really enjoy and one thing you really dislike about fandom?

I love the sheer creative output - so many unique ‘verses and ideas all starting with the (sometimes very) limited source material. Just an endless amount of ideas that I never would have thought of, but are amazing and wonderful all the same (even if I don’t like them personally).

I hate that sometimes expressing non-popular viewpoints, even politely and in the confines of one's own personal blog, can spiral out of control into massive discourse and drama. The downfall of connecting to fandom on a site like tumblr and the internet in general really.

10. What makes and breaks a fic for you?

The moment I can’t believe in what’s happening. A well considered crack fic is guaranteed to keep my interest, but I poorly thought out canon one is going to have me clicking the back button.

Also, formatting. Sorry guys, I try so hard not to let formatting keep me from reading a fic, but I recognize that I’m very picky about aesthetics. If it’s not laid out with proper spacing and standard book-like formatting, I’m probably not going to stick it out.

(from corbe)

1. What are you top five fandoms right now?

Hannibal, Kingsman, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them... I don’t really do any other fandoms with any consistency.

2. What are your top five go to books right now?

I haven’t read a proper novel in a long time, so my top go to books right now are all origami books XD

3. What are your top five go to movies right now?

Kingsman, Victor Frankenstein, Mad Max Fury Road, Fantastic Beasts and Where To Find Them, Deadpool

4. Do you have pets?

2 cats, Spork and Fruit

5. If you could have dinner with one person from history dead or amongst the living who would you have dinner with?

I know you’re looking for someone famous or important, but if I could actually do this, I’d have one final dinner with my grandmother, before the dementia had taken over.

6. Do you like pumpkin spice? Is it a problem for you that I absolutely adore pumpkin spice and will willing cut someone for a pumpkin spice latte?

Haha, I don’t go gaga over pumpkin spice specialty items (you could gladly have my latte, I wouldn’t drink it), but I do love the abundance of actual pumpkin items in the fall. I tend to overindulge on pumpkin pie, pumpkin muffins, and pumpkin cookies XD

7. Do you have a favorite holiday?

It’ll always be Halloween. I was a costume maker up until my kids were born. I’d start my costumes in April, and I’d spend a lot of time and money on them. Now I just do my best to give the kids decent costumes that won’t break the bank, and eat lots of chocolate.

8. Do you have a favorite rare fandom pairing, a pairing that’s hard to find fic for or not as popular?

Meeklo Braca / Scorpius (with or without the addition of Sikozu) from Farscape. I’ve reread the 33 total fic on AO3 at least a dozen times, and even keep the tags saved in the hopes something new may pop up some day, but the fandom is well and truly dead :(

9. Do you like pickles?

Yes, but only if they are dill.

10. Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? Just to make you feel better I do, I sleep with the bear my husband bought me when my Dad passed away.

I don’t - most of mine have been divided amongst my boys.

11. Do you like doing crafty hobbies like sewing, knitting, metal working, or do you enjoy hobbies that involve collecting?

Haha, crafty hobbies are my thing. I sew, crochet, do origami, and make chain maille and jewelry.

(from elletromil)

1. Who was your first celebrity crush?

Jensen Ackles XD

2. For what meal do you prefer going to a restaurant? Breakfast, brunch, lunch, dinner? Only a quick coffee/tea/dessert?

Breakfast, or rather breakfast food. Give me an omelette or benedicte or skillet any time, but they are always infinitely better coming from a well seasoned grill or pan. I can’t replicate that at home.

3. Would you rather clean the dishes or dry them?

DRY THEM. I hate washing dishes so very much. Thankfully Mr. Red agreed for that to be his chore around the house.

4. Are you the kind of person who puts a song on repeat until you’re tired of listening to it or do you have to always change songs?

Repeat. I’ll listen to a single song on repeat for days at a time XD

5. What supernatural/fantastic creatures would you like to be and why?

Phoenix, because I relate to the idea of rebirth from the ashes. I have one planned in one of my tattoos I hope to get.

6. Are you more afraid of what is at the bottom of the oceans or what we could find while travelling in space?

Space, because there are going to be things that we just can’t comprehend or understand.

7. You’re favourite kind of weather and why?

Bright, warm sun with a cool breeze, so I can just sit outside all day at the perfect temperature.

8. You can live anywhere you want, where would it be?

Honestly, I’m pretty happy where I am. We’ve been here for 10 years, just bought our first house. I don’t really want to be anywhere else :)

9. If you use the tumblr app on your phone, did you prefer when the bar was at the top or do you like now that it’s at the bottom? (am i still bitter about this sudden change? why yes i am XD)

Top, stupid update.

10. Did you ever watch a movie/tv show just for an actor/actress and you were sure it would be horrible, but it ended up actually being good? What was it?

I was sure I was going to hate Men & Chicken, but I was compelled by Mads and the Fannibals, and I was surprised how much I liked it. It is bizarre and definitely not for everyone, but turns it was just the right amount of strange for me.

11. You can decide on a tv show that would get a new season, a movie or a book that would get a sequel, what would it be? In a hypothetical world where the sequel/new season would be fantastic and all that you’ve ever wanted.

Hannibal Season 4. HANNIBAL SEASON 4. HANNIBAL SEASON 4. HANNIBAL SEASON 4.

(Also Sense8, Leverage, and Dominion)

Darlings, this was too many questions. So no tags or new questions of my own. Sorry, I’m burnt!

#personal #ask and i'll tell #so many questions #so many answers

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