#it took me until 2019 to finally accept the fact that i was lesbian

[baphofemme]

i am super emotional right now

[dead-welsh-kings]

This may not be the last coming out post, because honestly I may still be figuring myself out. But I’m quite confident it will be.

I’m bisexual.

For quite I while I refused to even entertain the thought of being attracted to men. The pure amount that my own personal trauma, and the need to “NoT Be LIke OTheR GiRls,” made me hate the fact I was attracted to men.

I’m afab, and of course me being attracted to men, was the default. It’s what everyone assumed would happen because heterosexual has been the norm for so long. I had a deep need to prove them wrong.

In 2016 I was the exact stereotype of a lesbian. I had made myself that wag on purpose. I wanted people to see me as that for so long.

It wasn’t until 2019 that I had taken on the label pansexual. And to be clear this is not a post bashing lesbians, pansexuals, bisexuals, or anyone of the lgbtqia+ community, this is just me and my experience with those labels.

Whenever I told someone I was pansexual they would usually say something along the lines of “oh you’re bi.” I cannot describe how offended I would be. I was ashamed of being associated with the bisexual label. My thought process then was that, if I was bi I wasn’t gay enough. I was too much like every other girl, and I wanted so desperately to be different. I hated it when anyone would ever even refer to me as bi, which is valid for people who are not bi and when it has nothing to do with their preconceived ideas of bisexuals. It

Being associated with the label bisexual felt like a death sentence for so long. When I did try once labelling myself as bi in late 2019, I had gotten several comments from family members, classmates, and friends, that would ignore the whole point of bisexuality. Liking more than one gender. I didn’t feel validated or “gay enough” to be in the lgbtqia+ community.

It was the same thing with my asexuality.

My lesbian label is what kept me a valid member of the community.

And right now I know that I was wrong. I was so very wrong.

Bisexuality in itself is such a diverse label and identity. ALL BISEXUALS ARE NOT THE SAME! But even through my many layers of shame and internalized biphobia I still do desperately wanted to say proudly “I am a bisexual!” I reasoned with myself so many times saying,

“I can’t say that. I’m gay. Not bisexual.” No matter how many times I questioned my sexuality I always came back to bisexual. Every single time I would take on a different label, if so just to avoid addressing who I was.

It wasn’t until I had met this guy and had fallen head over heels for him, did I even start considering letting that part of me out.

I researched for days. I felt incredibly shameful. I felt like I was betraying everyone by not being a lesbian anymore. I felt like a fraud.

But after all that I found my people. I had finally felt what it was like to feel comfortable in my sexuality, and who I was. I was no longer feeling horrible for not having either totally “homosexual thoughts,” or totally “heterosexual thoughts.” I had both.

Through accepting myself in the way being bisexual was to me and now is, I had started teaching myself love. I wasn’t limited to one type of love. I wasn’t betraying the people around me. The only one I was betraying was myself.

And honestly I never thought it would even be that hard to say. But it is.

And cheers to all you bisexuals who have to put up with so much shit. Not being gay enough, or too straight. Constantly being shoved into a box, and having assumptions made about you that are not true. And I’m sorry, because I contributed to it, even when I knew that it wasn’t true. I wanted to make myself feel comfortable in a sexuality that wasn’t mine.

But now I’m so happy that I’m able to say.

I am bisexual. And I’m proud. It took a lot for me to actually mean that sentence, but I do.

I am bisexual. And I’m a proud one.

💖💜💙

[queermediastudies]

Feminist Vampires: Don’t Invite Mainstream Audiences Inside! (Madi Mackey)

Bit, written and directed by Brad Michael Elmore, is the story of a young trans woman named Laurel who moves to Los Angeles and finds herself mixed up in a friend group of female vampires. She is quickly turned into a vampire herself and thrust into their world. Duke, the leader of the girl gang, implements some very strict rules for the group. The most important rule is to never turn a man into a vampire, stating that they can’t handle the power. The film follows the five young women as they navigate their lives as both vampires and members of a bustling Los Angeles night life. The drama comes to a peak when Laurel accidentally bites her brother and has to decide between saving his life and following Duke’s rules.

The film is an excellent example of modern day intersectional feminism. The core group of women is very diverse, representing African American, latina, butch, and transgender identities. They are all women-loving women in some sense, though their specific sexualities are never detailed. They are unflinchingly focused on retaining their power and their sisterhood by refusing to let a man into their groups and forbidding any usage of their mind-influencing powers on each other. However, the film is not perfect, and does not hold up to much scrutiny from a queer perspective. Duke, the previously mentioned leader, is also the only white girl in the group. Their hatred toward men could push the idea that all feminists hate men, further isolating the movement. Finally, the film does not mention class or any struggles associated with the marginalized communities the characters belong to, reducing the film to a post-gender, post-sexuality world. For these shortcomings, I argue that Bit is a great stride in the queer movie industry, but it misses the mark in many categories, and could therefore cause more damage to the trans, lesbian, and feminist communities than the positive impacts of such representation could outweigh, if it were to leave the arthouse and break into the mainstream.

One major theme in Bit is intersectional feminism. As mentioned before, the group of vampires is quite diverse, but this inclusion is only skin-deep. Their dynamic still enforces white, middle-class homonormativity. The girl with the most power is white and cisgender, and all of the girls are able-bodied and middle- to upper-class. Joyrich explains that television industries must continually portray homonormativity to maintain profits, and the same can be said for the film industry (2013, p. 5). Although this is a low-budget film that premiered at an independent film festival, the director, Elmore, stated in an interview that one of his main goals was for the movie to reach a larger audience of at-home viewers (Dunagan, 2019). His yearning for mass reception might have caused him to reproduce homonormativity for the film to be more palatable and, therefore, more profitable.

This is not the only flaw within the production practices for this film. Similar to criticisms regarding Pose and The Death and Life of Marsha P. Johnson, Elmore is a cis white man who took it upon himself to tell a queer story. By doing so, he took production resources and material benefits from its popularity away from the trans, lesbian, and POC communities who live the stories that he is telling (Tourmaline, 2017). Elmore explains that he read multiple theoretical texts and memoirs regarding gender while writing the script, and then had a close, gender non-conforming friend of his approve it before he, “felt more comfortable to show it to people in and around that conversation and community that I wasn’t close to” (Dunagan, 2019). While he did a fair bit of research into the community before creating the film, this isn’t the same as being a member of the community. Cavalcante explains this difference as a split between identifying with and identifying as a character, with identifying as a character always hitting closer to home and being more personal (2017, p. 14). Although Cavalcante makes this distinction in regards to audience reception, I believe it can be applied to production as well, and how Elmore wrote characters he could identify with, whereas a trans or POC writer could have written more personal characters that they identify as. Because Elmore is not trans or a POC, he needed to enforce homonormativity in his film in order to create characters that he identified with, as he has never lived as someone on the margins.

(Brad Michael Elmore, writer and producer of Bit)

Still, the production methods and content of the movie themselves could absolutely be described as queer. Benshoff & Griffin describe new queer cinema as films that have low-budgets, usually remain in the arthouse, and show the inadequacy of labels, instead focusing on the social discourses surrounding gender, race, and class (2004, pp. 11-12). Bit checks all of these boxes, even offering some helpful insights into social discourses. When Laurel, the transgender protagonist, is turned into a vampire, Duke tells her that their number one rule is to absolutely never turn a man. Laurel looks worried and asks, “What about me?” to which Duke responds, “Never even crossed my mind” (Elmore, 2019). Her immediate acceptance of Laurel’s identity expresses a consistent mood throughout the entire movie. Laurel’s transition and identity are never remarked in more explicit terms, and the sexuality and ethnicity of the other women are all treated with the same unspoken acceptance. The only identities that are ever mentioned are class and sex; Laurel asks one of the girls how they afford to live in L.A., and anyone who identifies as a man is immediately treated with contempt.

(watch video until 42:50)

While these approaches to intersectional identity may function well within the underground audience of new queer cinema, they could cause problems if Bit were to hit the mainstream. As Tongson explains, media representations help to produce our material realities; we rely on media to understand identities that we don’t know in the real world (2017, p. 158)). By ignoring the struggles of marginalized communities in the film, Bit raises more questions than it answers for viewers who are unfamiliar with these communities. Their confusion could cause these people on the margins to become cultural interpreters and explain their communities to those who don’t understand. Some see this as an opportunity to share their life experiences and cross cultural bridges; for others, it can become a burden of representation and they may lose a feeling of privacy (Cavalcante, 2017, p. 11). Bit could be seen as a welcome break from tragic representations for people within the trans community. Conversely,  Elmore’s silence on these issues could also lead mainstream audiences to believing that marginalized communities do not face any struggles in modern America, and therefore lose some empathy. 

This mediated understanding of reality could also be greatly detrimental to the feminist movement if it were to hit the mainstream. While I loved the explicitly feminist tone of the film, other audiences could find it off-putting and apply Bit’s ideology to all real-life feminists. The group of women in this film are quite outspoken around their distrust and distaste toward men. This could be applied to feminists, who are already called “man haters” in the real world as an attempt to invalidate their arguments. Elmore could be adding fuel to this fire by depicting feminists as exactly what the mainstream fears them to be.

Simultaneously, this bold approach to intersectional feminism is exactly why I, and many other queer viewers, love this film. My own subject positionality influences my understanding of Bit, just as those of mainstream audiences would make them feel differently about the film. I am a college-educated, middle-class, white, bisexual woman. I am also an outspoken feminist and socialist. All of my converging identities influence my view on this film and the opinions I have on its themes. As a young person who spends a lot of time in feminist spaces online, I felt such a rush while watching this film and hearing them directly saying things like, “Men can’t handle power. They have it already, and look at what they have done with it” (Elmore, 2019). A lot of people online say things about hating men, and I know from my own personal experience that the argument is so nuanced that it is simply easier to say “kill all men” than it is to explain what feminism really stands for and how it is, in fact, not simply man-hating. I love that this film expects the viewer to have this same knowledge, and can therefore say things like this without needing to defend itself and explain all of the nuance behind such a statement.

My status as middle-class and a socialist also have a great impact on my subject positionality and interpretation of Bit. Coming from a middle-class family and city, everything in the movie seemed normal to me. I was able to identify with the characters’ struggles, as they didn’t have anything to do with money or family issues. However, I could see this posing an issue for people who are struggling financially or with their family dynamic. To make up for this, the film has a lot of discourse regarding the redistribution of power and resources. Downward redistribution is a key tenant of leftism, so this movie displays clear leftist ideologies from a socio-political perspective (Duggan, 2002, p.XVI). We can see this in lines like, “How would you like to hold the keys to the kingdom for a change?” when Duke is talking to Laurel about turning, and at the very end of the movie, when Laurel’s brother asks her what they should do next and she responds, “Maybe what everyone with power should do and never does: share it” (Elmore, 2019).

(watch video until 1:30:00)

Finally, watching this film from the subject positionality of a woman greatly influenced my interpretation and reaction. At first, I was appalled by the group of girls and how nonchalantly they killed people, especially men. Laurel was written to have the same feelings of shock and disgust. So, when Duke said, “Our role is secondary. Our bodies are suspect, alien, other. We’re made to be monstrous, so let’s be monsters,” (Elmore, 2019) that was enough of an explanation for Laurel, and for myself, to become sympathetic to their cause. I have been personally affected by the feelings of otherness and being secondary that Duke lists, so this was a perfect line to change my opinion on their actions. However, if a man were to watch this film, especially if he were not to be a feminist, he might not be so sympathetic because he does not have the same experiences and understanding of what it is like to live in this world.

(watch until 41:12)

Bit is a film that crosses many boundaries, while still upholding some homonormativity for the sake of profit and consumption. It was written with the expectation of an audience that is knowledgeable of marginalized communities and social issues, making it thoroughly enjoyable to watch from a queer perspective. However, if the film were to break into the mainstream spotlight, its lack of nuance could cause harmful backlash toward trans communities, people of color, woman-loving women, and feminist movements. 

References

Benshoff, H. M. & Griffin, S. (2004). Queer cinema: The film reader. Psychology Press.

Cavalcante, A. (2017). Breaking into transgender life: Transgender audiences’ experiences with ‘first of its kind’ visibility in popular media. Communication, Culture & Critique, 10(3), 538-555. https://doi.org/10.1111/cccr.12165

Duggan, L. (2002). Introduction. In The twilight of equality? Neoliberalism, cultural politics, and the attack on democracy (pp. X-XXII). Beacon Press. 

Dunagan, R. (2019, August 2). Interview: A talk with Brad Michael Elmore, Director of OUTFEST’s ‘Bit’. Flipscreen. https://flipscreened.com/2019/08/02/interview-a-talk-with-brad-michael-elmore-director-of-outfests-bit/

Elmore, B. M. (Director). (2019). Bit [Film]. Vertical Entertainment.

Joyrich, L. (2013). Queer television studies: Currents, flows, and (main)streams. Cinema Journal, 53(2), 133-139. https://doi.org/10.1353/cj.2014.0015 

Tongson, K. (2017). Queer. In L. Ouellette & J. Gray (Eds.), Keywords for media studies (pp. 157-160). NYU Press. 

Tourmaline. (2017, October 11). Tourmaline on transgender storytelling, David France, and the Netflix Marsha P. Johnson Documentary. Teen Vogue. https://www.teenvogue.com/story/reina-gossett-marsha-p-johnson-op-ed 

[peonies07]

Ok so I'm 19. I've been on tumblr since I was 12, yeah I was probably that annoying 12 year old. But at the time I needed it so badly. Tumblr was the reason I knew basically about LGBT before the gay marriage right arguement. Tumblr helped me figure out that I'm not straight.

The issue is that I grew up in rural MN like my hometown had 200 people. And most were Christian Republican conservatives with stereotypes and all.

I have two older brothers. The oldest was my father figure growing up- hes 9 years older than me and honestly was the only person that showed me support and potentially unconditional love. Around the time he left for college my family had to sell our house and move into an apartment the next town over about (2,000 people). I was about 10 and losing my brothers comfort made me start being depressed. While he was home he was the one who would counteract anything that would have made me feel worthless or unloved, he was there to prove my mother's words wrong. My other brother is 7 years older than me and was in high school and angry at the world at the time. I lost the only real support I had. Our dad worked long hours and I barely ever saw him after we lost the house he went to ND to find work and I saw him even less.

Our mom is very toxic and honestly probably abusive? I've been gas lighted to the point where I have no confidence in any memory, thought or feeling I had unless I have someone next to me to tell me 'no that was real it was like that'. So when my brother were old enough to move out or to have reasons to stay away I was stuck with her and it turned into the my daughter is my best friend. But with that came the complaints on how expensive I was and how bad her life was, how she regrets marrying my dad and then last minute remembering to add 'but at least I have you kids'.

Enter finding tumblr and learning that no there's a world outside this tiny town was one of the things that made middle school and high school so much easier. After I figured out that I was apart of LGBT, my older brother came home. In the time of gay marriage and all the arguements. I looked up to him as someone who would always be on my side and then right when he came home, I had to listen or sometimes argue with him and our mom about 'the gays'.

They were obviously against it and it forced me to hide and bury it for a long time. I would come out to friends if I trusted them or if they had shared they were also not straight but never to my family. After middle school, my mom got a new job and moved us about an hour away.

When I started high school, I found Trevor. He became my best friend and was for about 3 months and then of course asked me out. I didnt like him in that way but I also didnt want to upset him or lose him so I said yes.

We dated for 3 years from freshman year to senior year. In that time he took my virginity, we had taken 3 breaks and I had relatively no friends besides Trevor or his friends. He saw on my tumblr page that I put pansexual (at the time I identified with it) he asked me about it, I explained it and he gave a weird look. We never talked about it much after maybe an occasional hey that girl is cute but nothing really to address it? I was the one who started all of the breaks. I knew that being with him wasn't right for me but he was still my best friend and the one I was closest to. He was the one who was there when I cried and I was there for him. By senior year I was heavily depressed and highly anxious. I got a job after freshman year at a fast food chain, where I worked with his parents, and started PSEO classes my junior year. Between the stress of taking college classes, a struggling relationship, no other support network, and working 20-30 hours a week with high school and living with my mom. I started to break down my senior year, I got a different job that had less hours, since in the middle of my junior year I had gotten promoted to manager at 16 at the fast food chain and worked even more. I started skipping college classes and would just hang out in my car in parking lots so I would go home. Mom had gotten a job that worked nights and would leave at 2pm so I would wait until after she left to go home and just lay in bed. If I did it while she was there I would get told how lazy I was and how I needed to get up.

I started seeing a therapist in October, of course I was only 17 and so I had to have mom come in for the first meeting. The first thing she told my therapist was how she thought that I wasn't screwed up and didnt really need therapy and talked a bit about how she was disappointed. I paid for therapy on my own obviously and after a few weeks I never told my mom when I went to therapy to this day she does not know how many times I went. In December I finally broke up with Trevor for good and a bit later I found my 3 best friends, they are my favorite people they are my big supporters and I'm theirs. They have been there for me no matter what and honestly really showed me what having actually friends was like.

Two of them are also in LGBT and the other not but we all support each other. After we graduated I went to a private college 6 hours away in Wisconsin. I needed to be far from my family but close enough for emergencies especially since my dads mother had cancer and we knew she wouldn't have long.

Before college started I had tot get rid of my car, mom told me that she couldn't keep me on her insurance so I gave it to my brother (middle child). I went off to college, in late September my grandmother died and I went to her funeral (my mom told me I couldn't go because college was too important, I went anyway).

By winter break I realized that I couldn't keep being carless. I had asked my dad for help since I definitely couldn't go to my mom and didnt have any other option (forgot to mention they divorced in 2017 after being separated for about 6/7 years). He helped me and bought me a truck that was $7,000.

Now here is the that start of the reason I'm writing this.

My dad is an alcoholic and has so many fucking DUIs, he should be in prison honestly. But after my parents divorce he started trying to get his license back.

Complicated part is he couldn't stay sober. Or at least not drive while drunk, and with both of our names on the title of this truck I had to get whiskey plates. Honestly I didnt care about the plates but my dad did and told me to try and transfer it into my name only.

We bought the truck in December 2019 and didn't get the title sent to us until May 2020 and if we had gotten it on time this wouldn't be too concerning but sadly not the case. In February he got picked up again and that's the one that cause me to have whiskey plates so I couldn't transfer it into my name if I wanted to. - MN law states that if a truck has whiskey plates it cannot be transfer into a family member or household member, it can be sold but it has to be a fair price no 'gifts'.

And of course its Corona timw and I had to leave college in March- back to mom's house where I got hella depressed again and then had to drop the courses I was trying to take for spring cause I needed to focus on mental health. In May I moved in with my brother-middle one- to his city that is 3 hours away.

It's better but also not quite where I want to be. So since I'm out of mom's and overall just really frustrated with the world I came to terms with wanting to come out to my family, especially my brothers. Earlier this month (August) I did. I told them over dinner since my oldest brother was in town and asking me about my love life and I just said 'I like girls' and they kinda accepted it. Middle brother is hella religious so I knew there was a chance of rejection, all he had to say was that he doesn't quite believe that there can really be a romantic relationship between women, as god intended love to be between a man and woman. But he didnt disown me or kick me out so it's fine. My oldest brother just made a joke about lesbian porn. The next day they followed up a bit with it of hey so you're gay basically. Most of my family is now transphobic instead of homophobic since trans is 'worse'. I dont agree with them but I'm just content for now with not losing my brothers. I've basically cut our mom off and still dont talk to our dad much especially about feelings.

So with this truck that my dad bought me and with the added stress of trying to figure out how to deal with it I decided to trade it in. But went to probably the worst dealership in our area and got conned really. After 8 days of having the new SUV it broke down, the motor through a rod and is basically totaled until a new motor is put in.

And naturally I haven't told anyone in the family besides the brother I live with so about two days after trying to figure out again of what to do. Middle brother calls dad and older brother to help and my anxiety and anger spike. I've never talked about the trauma o went through because of our mom to anyone in the family only the oldest brother but not all of it. Added in the fact that I dont want to accept dads help if hes going to hate or reject me for being gay I am so scared and anxious that I just explode. They came and dad started asking me about why I didnt call him before and why I traded it for the car I did and I'm trying to tell him it's fine well get the truck back I learned my lesson and I'm giving him the truck back, I'll find a vehicle on my own. I am financially able to so he can have to back/sell it.

But he just keeps pushing and then telling me to mellow out and stop being moody. And pushing more so I just scream. And start trying to explain hey I got a bunch of issues and I cant trust you yeah you're my dad but mom made me feel worthless so.

And I'm crying/screaming/sobbing and dads basically at a point of not listening. My oldest brother comforts me and I make him walked away from dad with me as our other brother had come.

I start telling my oldest brother what the h3ll is going on in my head with almost everything. I talk about our mom, how he is my father figure not our dad, how I cant trust our dad and also about my fears with rejection from dad and previous fear of his rejection. I get through most of it and dad and our other brother come to where we are.

Now I have been out to my brothers for about 2-3weeks and my oldest brother deciding to 'help me'? Asks our dad if he would love me any less for being gay. I lose it I get a bit hysterical and start laughing cause for no reason that I can figure out for now really. I hear our middle brother make some comment that I couldnt quite hear but the tone was like an exhausted really vibe to it? And cue our dad saying of course not and trying to talk again about how I should have called and I try again explaining that I cant trust that easily after being alone with mom for basically 8 years and him then trying to tell me that hes not her.

So my family does not understand feelings well but they're there for me apparently and dont hate me ( I still dont fucking believe them). Like they are saying they dont but I haven't really seen any reason to believe that or a sign of unconditional love. I always feel like I'm merely tolerated and on the edge of circles ready to be pushed out at the wrong word.

I still haven't 'come out' to our mom yet and I dont think I'll tell her face to face, she can find out through facebook. I still have so much anxiety about all of this and it's to the point were it's an overall feeling of nothing but with a premonition of something not right or anxiety about something bad happening.

[miragememoir]

Temptation.

Absolutely absurd, are the deepest taboos and creative fantasies that my mind intrusively conjures up. Consistently cloaking these desperate temptations that drive my soul into another realm of what is and is not permitted to be socially acceptable. I without a doubt know, if I were to let this inner temptress escape that it would result as the end of my entirety as a respected human specimen.

As a little girl, I would find my imagination dancing around a universe of possibilities. Now let me give you a little back story of my sexual adventures.

Around the age of 6, not sure if it was 5 or 7, I had an equally eager neighbor. Not just neighbor, a friend of the family even. A trusted acquaintance, if you will. My summers consisted of his garage or my backyard, due to the fact I had a pool the size of an amusement park, at least that's how it seemed as young ones. If our bodies as so much brushed against each other, a fire built in my soul. A desire that only few offspring will come to know. We eventually couldn't resist the urges that our private parts were begging us to comply.

I remember his lips. The pink, soft and tender flesh on his pale, desperate blue-eyed face. I close my eyes and envision this impatient and eager little boy, staring below my eyes and above my chest. He would be entranced by the thought of it, as would I. We both unspokenly knew, if this happened, it was going to stay between us & be our little secret. Which only made the craving stronger. It was during a session of hide n seek. We told his toddler brother that one room was off limits, I completely trusted this rule. Until my tiny wrist was wrapped with his mini-fingers & being enticed to follow with his eyebrows raised in a hurry. I let him guide me into the bedroom of his grandfather, completely giving up all of my will. If he wanted to have me that day, he damn well could have. But instead, he teased my soon-to-be sexually woke mind with a single kiss. All in one infinite moment, my world stopped. Saliva that did not belong to me would enter my young mouth & cause a chemical reaction in my brain that drove me mad. The sensation of a wet piece of flesh from his lips entered my mouth & danced with mine while butterflies permeated my internal organs. We french kissed for a couple minutes before we reached our desired high. Just like that, my life changed forever.

It was the top bunk of his shared bed between his infant brother and he, was where my innocence had forfeit. A flashlight and a flame in his eye that started something that I would later come to find out, was a search for that same craving and curiosity that would never return to me. The act of the first time is extraordinary yet depressing. The trembling of unused flesh. The fear of unknown, yet complete and comfortable vulnerability. But also, the fact it will never be as excruciatingly new as that one time. He hadn't known in those moments, nor did I, that my entire sexual endeavors would always be compared to our shared intimacy. I want you to understand that when I mention, "first time" I do not mean intercourse. We were only children, who wanted desperately but the fear of angry parents & disappointed faces kept us from performing the act. When I say first time, I mean the discovering of the other sexes genitals. I lay back and let him fondle with my pink flesh while his eyes are seemingly lost in the thought of how it all works. His craving was my drive. He let me feel what his tongue directed on my excited body & pink flesh.

It didn't happen once, or twice even. It continued and every time I knew it was to come, a throbbing sensation built in my unpenetrated entrails. It wasn't only him who tested his abilities, in my ocean of a pool, we found a spot where from either window of my house, children were invisible to the parents eye. So under water I went while he kept watch, I pulled his swim trunks below his knees and released a uniquely new passion on him that adolescent years would usually bring.

He was my first and always will be.

Next on my sexual journey was another nymphet like myself, only difference was that I felt no remorse after performing such acts, well she did.

Her and I discovered internet porn together. It started with alltheweb.com, where we searched for specific body parts & became sexually excited next to one another. Then came videos, that's when our platonic friendship had been disrupted by a force of tension that was incapable of being ignored. As her and I watched the woman seduce her cable guy, a familiar feeling came over me & I was once again throbbing & dripping in my seat, waiting for a signal to pause the video, I was eager and crazed because I hadn't had a female before. It was new and crazy to my 7 year old mind. My impatient personality switched it from straight pornography to lesbian porn. Where we watched a women spread another's parts open, then lick and suck away while the other was drowning in ecstasy as she lay back. This was it. My best friend took one look away from the screen and said to pause it & that she felt wet down there. My heart pounding, deleting history, exiting the tabs, walking into my room then doing things with my friend that would make her feel icky afterwords (this was mainly because of her connection with the Lord, Jesus Christ. I didn't share the same sentiments, so I was a free bird.) It never stopped her from doing it again though, she had her own little secret with me and that drove her just as crazy as it did I.

As a youngster, I really did have somewhat of an addiction to pornographic material. I found myself really drifting towards either lesbian or straight teen porn. Obviously "teen" meant eighteen and above. But they always chose girls who looked like they were younger. Small chest & child-like features on their faces being pursued by men with large parts and manly bodies.

I kept on with my female friend. My neighbor had eventually moved around eleven years old. It was a sad time for me, I would miss him for 7 years. Eventually another female friend came along, I figured that if they were girls that they'd be allowed to spend the night and I could have my way until whatever hours I wished. But my second girl didn't budge. She'd feel the tension but wouldn't release. Unless it was a role-play situation where it didn't have to be "her." Let me explain. We would lay on the floor and we would "change-bodies" with someone else. She would always feel more comfortable taking the 'form' of a boy. So she was who had her way with me. I let go and let myself be used to whatever her needs be. I found both girls equally exciting in two absolutely different and opposite ways.

I feel as though the amount of information I've conjured up is going to suffice for now. Because the next few partners jump a few years in time. When I finally perform fellatio again, yet this time it's a little different. Stay tuned.

- Mirage, June 26, 2019.