#it upsets me that so many fucking white vegans are out here

[princessgaia]

A new day. I've reached my goal weight. I can't afford to buy vegan food so I will have to cook more. Which makes more dishes. I love doing dishes but on many occasions I just don't feel like it. How do I maintain this weight? I will not stop working out for 30 mins at gym on stairstepper every morning. Like I said it feels like a rejuvenating spa bath for my body and soul. But maybe I can burn less calories there, like go at a slower pace. Yes I would ideally like to lose ten more pounds but my boyfriend don't like me like that, my family don't like me like that, and my mental health support place doesn't like me below 138 pounds. I have to be obedient. I can't let anorexia take over me again. Though it feels so much cleaner and my life not as such a heavy burden to carry. I haven't had oculogyric crisis in a month. I've barely had any intrusive thoughts. I'm upset because my family doctor wants to take my blood. Why these professionals in system of capitalism always want blood? Fecking vampires! She wants to check my thyroid levels bc I have hypothyroid. Big sigh. It's like fuck it dude I just gave four huge vials of blood to my psychiatrist and they said they won't fax it to my primary care doctor:(I'm wearing my boyfriends black hoodie as I walk to gym. Have lots of black hoodies myself personally but wearing his makes me feel like a thug lmfao. My brother says that my boyfriend is a thug. My brother calls me a thug too. "Thug til I die!"-Tupac. I want to be soft and dress softly and feminine. But o well. Ok so my boyfriend ordered me a pale blue crop top with a white bow ribbon on it. It doesn't come until October 3rd unfortunately. But the reviews are good and I got a large this time. Hope it's longer and less tight than the other one. The other black one in my pics here is from a different company and size medium. I don't know what to do with it? We shall see. The sky is beginning to lighten as I walk to gym. Finally autumn weather has arrived and I'm wearing leggings and my green scarf I found by the dumpster. I promised to stop picking my hands but I relapsed. Big sigh. And I totally forgot my touch screen white gloves to use when I make purchase at grocery store. I promise I will stop picking and peeling my hands. I promise to start wearing the gloves. I'm sorry for being a disgusting woman. In Jainism which is a religion I learned about with beloved Jackie, they fast a lot and believe everything has a soul. I feel better intuitively that I have been eating less. I've always wanted to practice Jainism. I'm going to look more into it when I have the time. I wish I had been a normal girl and finished college. I remember the disability worker lady at college asking me if my name was gaia or gia? It's like isn't it obvious it not Gaia? I'm jus lil ol gia. Strange mousey gal. The one class I was going to take was geography. Tho I've also taken psychology, English, and philosophy ~made a B in each of them. Made an A in intro to college! I tried so hard in the classes I made a b in. Anyway I'm jus chatting too much as I walk to the gym. But reason I didn't wanna take geography was cus I already half believe I'm mother earth Gaia and what if that geography class fluffs me up in the head instilling in me that I'm mother earth? To believe I am mother earth is psychotic. And it terribly seriously spiritually and emotionally heartbreaking. Love you guys! TTYL 🐾🌊🐁

[eimagines]

trouble // kai anderson

pairing: kai anderson x reader genres: smut summary: reader makes kai jealous. kai doesn't like this and he proves to reader whos in charge! warnings: NSFW - daddy kink, swearing, manipulation, choking, degrading and other v kinky stuff I don’t know how to define! word count: 3500

a/n: prompts “did you call me daddy / fuck fuck fuck / you’re in so much trouble” requested by anon. will I ever write bedroom smut? probably not lol. dedicated to the first member of my tag list @theharvestgirloffire

Kai had been frustrating you all week.

You knew Kai used sex as a form of manipulation and was sexually active with almost all members of the cult and usually, it wouldn't bother you; the increasing disregard of you and your work, however, as well as the increasing time spent with Meadow had started to annoy you.

You sat silently slumped in your chair, your brows furrowed and your teeth chewing at your nails amongst the group as they discussed their next move, the buzz of their last kill still lingering throughout the room.

Every time Meadow spoke you watched as Kai would smile at her, his eyes lingering on her slightly before he would continue to talk. It annoyed you. Admittedly, you were jealous.

Rolling your eyes during this meeting had become aggressively obvious to Kai as he secretly flicked his eyes over you, your silence and disregard for the next steps in his plan unusual. 

He knew you. He knew how excited for plans you would be, how informed you would become on their targets, how insightful and intelligent your inputs to their discussions would become. Your silence was deadly and he could almost feel the aura of rage radiating off of you.

“Anything you would like to add [Y/N]?” Kai asked, turning to face you with a blank look on his face, “You’re being awfully quiet tonight. Something on your mind?”

“It’s nothing.” You sighed, shifting in your seat as the cult members turned their eyes to you. You gave him a glare, a silent warning to drop what he had started.

“You’re not having regrets are you?” Meadow asked, the tone of her voice in your ears causing a pang in your chest and heat to rise to your face.

“No, of course not.” You responded in annoyance, your eyes still locked on Kai’s own, wishing he hadn’t brought up your clear disinterest in front of the entire group.

“Are you sure?” Meadow asked again.

“Yeah, you have been a little off today [Y/N],” Winter added, her tone softer but still judgemental to your ears.

“Drop it, okay?” You seethed. Kai noticed the way in which your fists tightened against your thighs and how you spoke with your teeth tightly together.

“Well, we can’t all help but notice it, [Y/N], if you're off-put by the whole idea you should just tell us. I mean you certainly didn’t seem to want to get involved much with the whole killing,” Meadow said.

You couldn't help yourself. You felt your blood boil beneath your skin. There was only so much tongue-biting you could do before you snapped at her.

“Shut your mouth before I shut it for you Meadow.” 

“Woah! Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.” Harrison commented with a smirk.

“You don’t know shit about what I did to get all of you in that fucking house.” You shouted, getting up from your seat, “Y’know what? Fuck this. Fuck all of you.”

Your legs were shaky as they took you to the kitchen, storming out of the room and leaving the silent group to share glances behind you. The adrenaline and rage that pulsated through your veins caused your hands to shake as you poured yourself a glass of water. You were fully aware of what the people in your cult were capable of if you pissed them off enough, but you were capable of the same, equally, if not more, dangerous and powerful - and it was you who was pissed off first.

You had worked so hard to infiltrate the Changs. You had spent the past couple of weeks watching over them, gaining inside knowledge, codes to their house, the time they would wake up in the morning and the time they would fall back asleep. Nobody had acknowledged it. Not once. Kai had acknowledged how Meadow had slashed their throats, however. It was almost as if your work that put her in that position wasn’t as important. You felt futile. You felt unimportant.

The sound of a door closing from behind you made you jump a little as the soothing taste of water hit the back of your throat.

“Do you want to explain what that was about?” Kai asked, a tone of genuine concern in his voice.

You sighed and turned to face him, your back against the kitchen countertop. Your eyes scanned over his blue hair, slicked back into a bun with pieces that stuck out to frame his face, his arms crossed but dark eyes soft. He was wearing a soft beige jumper and looked positively radiant against the white hues of the kitchen tiles.

“Leave me alone Kai, I’m pissed off.” You responded lowly, hanging your head.

“Talk to me.” Kai approached you slowly, closing the gap between you and him. He stood in front of you, trying to get a glimpse of your face that still looked at the ground beneath you, “Hey. Look at me. What are you feeling?”

You shook your head and looked up at him, his frame close to yours, his eyes looking down at you.

“It’s nothing.” You said, annoyance straining your voice.

“It didn’t seem like nothing,” Kai responded, “You upset Meadow.”

“Is that all you care about? Am I not visibly upset?” You raised your voice at him again, not feeling threatened by Kai’s usual manic controlling demeanour what-so-ever. 

“Of course it’s not. I care about you all equally. Would I be here if I didn’t care about how you’re feeling?” Kai crossed his brows and spoke back at you seriously.

“Yeah, we're all equal.” You responded sarcastically.

“Is your problem with Meadow, or is it with me?”

“I have a problem with all of you.”

There was a brief silence before Kai spoke again, “Honesty, [Y/N].” 

“I did so much fucking work for this to go to plan Kai!” You started, “I spent hours and hours watching those fucking do-gooders drink vegan coffee and water their fucking plants. I hacked into their security camera and their phone line and what thanks do I get? Absolutely nothing! Meadow slit a guy's throat and suddenly she’s this, this Goddess! I worked on this for weeks! Was my job not bloody enough to get you all off, huh? I did all this work for you all to completely disregard it!”

Kai looked at you, his lips pursed together tightly as he took in your words.

“Just cause I didn’t stab anyone doesn’t make me weak. You all think it! And I’m sitting there thinking how I would love nothing more than to rip her head off and prove you all wrong and she disrespects me and my hard work like that and you all say nothing! You don’t defend me at all. I’m not your equal Kai!”

Kai sighed and looked to the floor, “I’m sorry.”

“What?”

“I said I’m sorry. You’re right. I haven’t given you the credit that you deserve.”

Kai moved to tuck a strand of your hair behind your ear and gently cupped your face in his hands, “I haven’t appreciated everything you do for us. For me. You’re so brilliant, and I have let you down and caused you unnecessary anxieties. I’ve let them take you and your hard work for granted. You are not weak, and I wouldn’t let anyone weak stand by my side, you know this.” 

He watched you look at him, “I am glad that this happened, though. Your rage is beautiful, and you should let it out more.”

You sighed slightly, tempted to roll your eyes at his false appraisals. You removed his hands from your face delicately.

“I will believe that when I don't have to ask to be approved, Kai.” You turned away from the blue-haired man and picked up your mobile that was lazily tossed on the kitchen countertop. 

Kai watched you confused, a seed of anger at your rejection bubbling from deep within the pit of his stomach. You flicked through your contacts on your phone, searching for anyone within close range and a car.

“What are you doing?” Kai asked, his form close to yours, lurking over your shoulder as he watched you click on one of the many names in your phone book.

“Calling a friend to pick me up.” You explained, a little quieter than normal. You could feel how close Kai was behind you.

“What friend?” Kai spat out, his tone unusually uneasy to your ears, “Where are you going?”

“Anywhere but here.” You scoffed as you held the phone to your ear, turning around to face him with your back facing the kitchen counter again. The ringing on the other side of your phone was loud but the glare Kai was giving you felt like it was even louder.

“You can’t just leave halfway through a meeting, [Y/N]. Who are you meeting?” Kai’s voice raised slightly, desperation and annoyance written plainly on his face.

“Oh so now you care what I do?” You challenged him with a smirk, not knowing if it was completely safe to do so but simply not caring anyway, “It’s none of your business.”

You moved past him towards the white wooden doors of the kitchen, Kai’s dark eyes watching you as he following your every footstep. You opened the door only slightly before Kai’s hand slammed it shut, his arm next to your head, trapping you against the only escape you had.

“It is my business,” Kai spoke lowly, his tone deep and guttural. It sent shivers down your spine and a ball of nerves to coil up in your chest.

You slipped your phone in your pocket and turned to face Kai, his arm trapping you between him and the door. You almost wanted to laugh at the rageful look on his face.

“Are you jealous, Kai?” You smirked.

His hand was wrapped around your neck in an instant, tightly pinning you against the wooden door, his fingers squeezing at your soft skin beneath as he brought his body closer to yours. 

“You’re in so much trouble,” Kai whispered in your ear, the feel of his hot breathe on your neck as you gasped for air, the way he had his body pressed onto yours tightly. You let out a choked moan, his shift from anger to arousal surprising you and turning you on instantly.

“You think you can just take off and leave? Leave me here? With these idiots? Huh?” Kai asked, his dark eyes staring into yours, his grip still around your neck causing you to choke out a little. You give him an exited smile, shaking your head.

“I’m sorry, I can’t seem to hear you.” Kai replying, his fingers relaxing around your throat a little, “I said, do you think your allowed to leave?”

“No.” You choked out.

“No, what?” Kai asked, his stare still dark and dangerous.

“No daddy.” You gave him a smirk.

Kai wasn’t expecting that, the name. He had expected ‘Kai’ or maybe ever a ‘Sir’, but definitely not ‘Daddy’. 

His eyes raked across your body excitedly, a smirk on his lips, “Did you just call me Daddy?”

His chest heaving up and down from heavy breathes, you bit your bottom lip between your teeth as you looked up at him, his face so close to yours, his eyes lustful and fingers now lonely gripping your throat.

His fingers let themselves travel up to your neck, the delicate touch of his finger tips against the sweet spot he knew well in the dip between your shoulder causing your lips to part a little. Kai took this opportunity to place his own lips on yours. His hand then tangled in your hair, his fingers gripping it loosely as he suckled on your bottom lip.

Still pressed between the door and his frame you could feel his erection, hard and excitedly throbbing through his jeans against your inner thigh. You moaned as you kissed him back, your hands at either side of his face pulling him deeper into you.

Both hands roughly found their way to your ass as he began to pepper kisses on your jawline and neck, moving slowly to tease you even more. You couldn’t help it when he sucked harshly on your neck you shakily moaned out again, “Daddy.”

He stopped when he heard you and chuckled darkly, once more the lustfulness evident in his gaze on you as he continued to attack your neck, leaving purple bruises across your skin.

Between kisses you were panting heavily. Kai began to slide both his hands up underneath your shirt, caressing your skin and playfully grabbing at your nipples.

“We can’t do it here, everyone is still sitting next door.” You said quietly, bliss written on your messy face as he forced your shirt over your head and onto the tiled kitchen floor, “They’ll hear.”

“Let them.” Kai said, as he took off his own shirt, his lust clouded eyes took in your revealed skin and made his pants feels even tighter. He let out a low growl as he picked you up in his arms, your legs naturally wrapping themselves around his waist as he cupped your ass and began to carry you towards the kitchen counter.

Goose pimples rose to your skin as Kai uncharacteristically kissed down your chest, pulling down your bra and took your left nipple into his mouth, biting and sucking delicately. You moaned again as he hurriedly unbuckled his pants and began to wiggle off your jeans, your ass cold on the kitchen counter.

You were always in awe at how breathtaking his body was, and he was in awe of your body too. He wanted to use you and you were ready to be used.

Kai pulled at your hair harshly, forcing you to look him in the eyes as he traced his hands delicately across your wet heat. His jeans were now around his ankles, his thick length standing tall against his boxers.

“Look at me you little slut!” Kai almost shouted.

You looked up at him as he traced delicate circles on your clit through your underwear.

“God, you’re such a dirty little whore, wet for me already?”

He grabbed your hair tighter in his fist causing you to hiss, “You want me to fuck you? Huh?”

“Yes.”

“Yes, what?” Kai’s face was angry, you were a little intimidated as he spoke through clenched teeth.

“Yes, Daddy.” You replied shakily.

“What do you want Daddy to do?” Kai enjoyed this. Maybe too much.

“I was you to-to fuck me Daddy.”

He easily pulled away your underwear roughly with one hand leaving you exposed and dripping for him to see. 

“You're a good little slut for Daddy aren’t you?” He whispered, as he shoved two of his fingers into your un-stretched and wet entrance causing you to gasp, buck your hips into him and moan his name loudly. 

Kai removed his fingers immediately and wrapped his hand around your neck, “If you don’t start doing as I say you’re going to be in even more trouble [Y/N].”

You nodded, the pressure around your neck, his warning voice and his teasing fingers sent shivers to your core.

Kai had had plenty of sex before but never like this, never this dirty or crude or raw. He ached for your tightness to be wrapped around him. He wanted to hear you moan and come undone at his doing, for everyone to hear you both.

“Please Daddy, Please...”

The site of you, a quivering begging mess made him throb. So, he continued to fuck you with his fingers, curling them inside you and stretching you out. Your heavy breathing turned into panting as Kai picked up the speed of his fingers inside of you and stroked his thumb over your sensitive nub. He didn’t want you to cum, not yet. He waiting until he felt your pussy become tighter on his thick fingers and your moans to become higher pitched and more frequent to know that you were about to orgasm before he pulled away from you, leaving you needy and desperate.

“Fuck, no, Kai, why would you-”

You couldn’t even finish the protest before Kai had moved away from you, pushed you over onto your stomach and dragged your ass further back towards him. The cool marble of the kitchen counter burned as he pulled you, your nipples hardening against it. He smacked you ass hard, the connection echoing across the room. You expected to be punished, but you didn't think it would feel as good as this.

“What did I just fucking tell you?” He raised his voice.

He smacked you again, your ass cheeks red under his assault.

“I am in charge.” Another smack. A pathetic moan escaped your mouth.

“Such a disobedient whore.” Another smack.

The sight of you dripping pussy, you slightly bruising ass stuck up for him was almost too much.

“I’m gunna fuck you and you're gunna let everyone know I am. I am in charge. I tell you when to cum. You got that, you little slut?”

You nodded, your face pressed against the marble, “Y-yes Daddy.”

Kai grabbing your arms behind your back and held them there, using his other hand to guide his newly freed length to your wet womanhood. You whined as Kai stroked his dick up and down your entrance.

He shoved his dick deep inside of you, both of you moaning loudly at how tight the fit was. Kai didn’t care if it hurt you, he was a selfish lover and in this situation he would not go slow or easy on you. His thrusts started hard, pushing his size into you all the way and dragging it back out just to drive it back in again. Kai watched as every time he pulled out your walls hung to him perfectly.

“Fuck, Daddy, fuck me harder,” You moaned out, enticing the blue haired man. He freed your arms and grabbed onto your hair, using it to pull you up and drag you onto his dick deeper.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” Kai groaned loudly. The noises that escaped his mouth as he fucked you into the counter made you ever wetter.

You tried to cover your mouth to keep from screamed and when Kai noticed this he smacked your arm away.

“Let them hear you, let them hear how Daddy’s fucking you right now.”

And you did.

He slammed his hips into your ass over and over, watching it as it bounced up and down under the force of his thrusts. The kitchen was filled with sounds of skin slapping, moans and the cupboard doors under the counter shaking violently. The thought of everyone listening in on your activities just getting you both off even more. You were both dripping with sweat, both your hair sticking to your face, enjoying the sounds Kai’s thrusts were making as he fucked you roughly. 

“Daddy. I’m gunna cum.” You whined as he ploughed into your pussy mercilessly.

“No. Don’t you dare fucking cum yet.” He warned you, pulling out of you and flipping you back onto your back. He grabbed at your neck, his fingers digging into the skin of your ass and neck harshly. If there was one thing Kai loved it was choking.

He slid between your legs and fucked back into you easily, keeping his pace the same. Watched you as your eyes rolled and you used one of your free hands to play with your clit.

You knew you would ache tomorrow. You knew you would have to wear polar necks to work and struggle to sit down without wincing but as you lay against the cold of the kitchen counter, watching as Kai drove his length in and out of you, you truly did not care. 

You focussed hard, breathing deeply and trying not to let your impending orgasm overtake you but being so lost in pleasure it was difficult not to. You could tell Kai was close too now and you didn't care, you chased the familiar pleasure just as much as he did. His speed was picking up, his hips were off slightly and his groans were louder and shakier than they were before. 

Kai let out multiple curse words, his hips snapping into yours hard, the sight of your fingers playing with your pussy as he fucked you in his kitchen. The sounds you both made were enough, but watching you sent him over the edge. Feeling an orgasm wash over him he groaned into your ear, “Cum now, fucking cum for me you little slut.” 

And with that you let go, your orgasm pulsating through you, cumming all over Kai’s dick hard. You could have sworn you blacked out for a minute from the overwhelming feeling. Kai came just after you, emptying himself deep inside you, rocking his hips into you as you both rode the pleasure out together.

You were still moaning, a smile on your face from the intensity of the high when you both heard the front door close with a slam.

“Oops.”

-

A/N: So I’m back, not sure if i like this one all that much but feedback is appreciated! I have been really ill but excited to start writing again!

[xplrerdolan]

an analysis on and rant about what stan twitter did to grayson dolan:

as i mentioned earlier, i have quite a bit to say about the twitter stans trying to cancel the twins because of something they talked about on their podcast. not only do i have my own personal opinions on it, i also want to shed some light on the direction cancel culture has taken and why it’s so vile.

for context, here’s a transcription of what a very small but loud group of people are “upset” about: “people just want you to not be sober and not be on a diet, because, y’know, they-they kinda feel like shit that they’re not.” - ethan. also during the podcast, grayson mentions, vaguely, that he’s had an unhealthy relationship with food in the past, as did ethan. ethan later identified the problems as being eating disorders. from what i’ve seen on twitter, people mention either/or rather than both aspects when talking about why it should have had a trigger warning. for some people, the whole issue was the nine second clip of what ethan said. others said they were triggered by the mention of eating disorders.

let’s get into this, shall we?

first of all, let me identify myself as a fat girl who is the furthest thing from sober. my entire life, i have been criticized by my family and the world around me for my weight. i’m at a point in my life where i embrace being fat, and i am comfortable with it, which i constantly have to justify. i am directly affected by diet culture, fatphobia, and eating disorders. i personally struggle with disordered eating—different from an eating disorder in that i have a generally unhealthy relationship with food—and what they said does not warrant a trigger warning.

why? because they’re not talking about needing to be on a diet. they’re not shitting on people who aren’t on a diet. they aren’t forcing their diet & healthy eating onto us as an audience. they also didn’t talk about their eating disorders on the podcast; they said they might talk about it later. what they are doing is being condescending—but let’s unpack that quickly.

their condescension is not targeted or directed at us. it is directed toward people who try to pressure them to do things for instant gratification. specifically, other influencers and hollywood as a whole. not to mention, he’s clearly suggesting that people who try to get them to break their sobriety or their diets are the ones who probably feel shitty about themselves for not doing those things. idk about the rest of y’all but i’ve never seen any fans trying to pressure them into getting off their diet or drinking. so, it’s clearly not directed at any of us.

hollywood is hedonistic. the whole aesthetic of youth, the advertisement of satisfaction is rooted in indulgence. maintaining a healthy diet, just like sobriety, is the complete opposite of that.

the snark and the comparison to sobriety are there because he’s annoyed with others trying to pressure him into enjoying his youth “like he should;” a standard set by culture that he & grayson don’t want to participate in for personal reasons. let me remind you that we do not know what they hear from other influencers. we have not been surrounded by a group of other influential people—really influential, not your peers in high school—who are trying to get us to just have one little drink, or just have one little milkshake, or just eat one little burger. connections matter in hollywood. consider how separate the twins seem from other influencers—do you think that’s merely coincidental? i can almost promise you it’s not. they likely avoid people who pressure them one too many times or who put them at risk of disappointing themselves because they might succumb to peer pressure.

what i’m saying here is ethan was projecting. he was projecting his annoyance, frustration, and perhaps some amount of bitterness or general bad feelings in a way that protected himself. yes, it’s a little condescending because a lot of his fans—including myself—might struggle with diet culture or sobriety, or some of us might make choices in our lives that differ from theirs so it feels mildly offensive or just makes you feel bad. i’ll admit that when i first heard it, i was a little put off for a second. but then, i did precisely what so many twitter stans need to do: i got the fuck over it. because i’m not so unsympathetic that i can’t imaging that maybe their life looks a liiiittle different from mine, and i’m not so self-centered to believe that one passing comment applies to me or was ever intended to hurt me personally.

yes, delivery and effect matters more than intention. and if anyone was genuinely offended or triggered, yes, that warrants apology. but it doesn’t obliterate intention. intention matters.

onto my next point: responsibility. i believe people are responsible for correctly labelling potentially triggering information. BUT that doesn’t necessarily mean that you put a trigger warning on a podcast because of one passing comment and the mention of eating disorders. it’s not as though the twins were mocking them or carelessly talking about their experiences—which i note would be careless because eating disorders are a social disease and they get stronger with validation from others as well as through normalization of the disorder. by normalization, i mean saying things or making jokes that encourage one to restrict or to binge. knowing that they did none of that, and that people’s primary issue (what ethan said) was a major misunderstanding, it’s pretty clear that they were under no obligation to put a trigger warning.

now, let’s consider the following: the twins have recently been being more open with us about their insecurities, especially ethan. while talking about what helped him get to a point where he’s comfortable with his acne, he mentions that working out and taking care of himself physically played a huge part in that. in addition to the last two recent points of discussion on their platforms and channel, they have also been sharing their journey through veganism and are very excited about how great they feel because of it.

taking all of that into account, if you know that you’re at such a sensitive point in your recovery or your disorder (which is nothing to be ashamed about, i’d like to note) that someone mentioning their own diet, their view of their own diet, or just the general existence of eating disorders is enough to trigger you, you have to understand that you have a responsibility to avoid potentially triggering content. excluding their eating disorders, we all knew about their recent healthy vegan diet and their devotion to maintaining their physique. i mention this because it seems as though the people who are upset would’ve been triggered by the latter two things regardless—it’s not the words “eating” and “disorder” that suddenly break you like a hypnotic command, it’s the whole premise of two guys talking about how physically fit they are and how healthy they’ve been eating. since this is what they’ve been talking about recently and this is what’s going on in their life, you have to be responsible enough to not seek out or engage with something that could be triggering to you. you need to step away from those things yourself and come back to them when you are capable of hearing about someone else’s healthy choices without internalizing that information and inflicting it upon yourself.

i find it also incredibly important to note that the language ethan uses is very clearly a way to defend himself and ward off anyone who disagrees with his dietary choices. it’s his way of validating himself. which, if you’ve been paying attention, is a sign that he’s insecure about his diet to begin with; if you have more than three brain cells, you should be able to figure out from that fact alone that even if he didn’t have an eating disorder, he clearly has issues with eating. which is why i think nitpicking a nine second clip out of a 45-50ish minute episode of a podcast is absolutely disgusting to me; look at what’s happened now. in their lack of consideration for what he might be going through, despite them literally telling us that they have struggled with eating disorders in the past, they essentially ended up “outing” him. at least, i’ve spent enough time listening to that clip and typing up this analysis of the situation to see it that way.

the last overarching thing i’d like to talk about here is the how this whole situation demonstrates the dangerous and frankly disgusting turn that cancel culture has taken in recent times. cancel culture is no longer expository; it has evolved to be exploitative. people take any opportunity to cancel someone in the hopes that they get attention and validation from others. i believe—and i urge you to read this part carefully and to not misconstrue my intentions or meaning when i say this—that we have pushed the idea that we should support, trust, and listen to the disenfranchised to a degree that we no longer allow any space for critical thinking and analysis of a certain claim. LET ME BE PERFECTLY AND COMPLETELY CLEAR. this does NOT mean that a white person can analyze a BIPOC’s experience with racism to dismiss it, it does NOT mean that nonvictims can analyze a victim’s allegations against someone to disprove it, and thus, it does NOT mean that any oppressor of any kind can apply their ignorant, blind assumptions to any oppressed person’s claims to disqualify what they have said.

with that being said, the reason i mention this is because there are going to inevitably be people, like whoever started this whole mess, who make claims that are either false, dramatized, or that are based on misunderstandings. a part of me wants to believe that the person who initially claimed to be triggered by what ethan said misheard him or took what he said personally when they should not have. if we encouraged people to have discussions about these things, then perhaps someone would’ve pointed out to them that no where in that statement does he shame people for not being on diets or for not being sober. rather, he was projecting his feelings of being criticized onto those who criticize him.

now, the other possibility (that i would rather not believe) is that this person—the first person to say something—picked out a nine second segment of the podcast where ethan said something less than positive and went out of their way to make it seem like an issue. still, the same problem ensues: we’ve created such a culture that if you challenge the position of the accuser then you’re simply brainwashed by the accused and you’re part of the problem.

i can say with utmost certainty that even if the first person to complain about the clip hadn’t intended to make something out of nothing, a fair 90% of them who said blatantly disrespectful things to ethan and grayson DEFINITELY just wanted to hop on a bandwagon. there was one girl who replied to grayson several times, claiming that what they had said was VERY triggering to a lot of people, but within her frantic outcry for an apology from him, she admitted that she herself wasn’t triggered and didn’t even struggle with an eating disorder, before proceeding to tell someone else who does have an eating disorder that if they weren’t triggered it’s not their place to say the twins don’t have to apologize.

......................since the girlies from the bird app like to lurk here, let me spell that one out for y’all:

✨stop demanding apologies that you cannot accept✨

hopefully that gets through to them. because this is the second time in a row that they’ve gone ahead and demanded apologies from the twins that they cannot accept. the heteros were down their throats about the f-slur (which i use in reclamation as it has been used against me personally but i won’t repeat here on the off chance that someone is hurt by it).

it’s so painfully obvious that they’re doing it for likes, retweets, and replies. whether they want people to argue with them or just want attention, they’re hiding behind the guise of caring about a very serious issue and speaking FOR the people who might be offended. i believe people like this noticed a pattern under celebrity tweets when BLM was the center of discussion on twitter. if a celebrity wasn’t talking about BLM, people were under that tweet demanding that they did. those tweets would often get a lot of interactions from people who agreed that someone with a platform should speak up. and since local stan twitter does nothing but regurgitate what’s “trending,” they’re trying to find any reason to be the social justice warrior precisely no one asked them to be and absolutely no one needs them to be.

i don’t think that anyone really needs me to explain why they should be ashamed of themselves, but in case one of them is floating around: it’s because when a bunch of people demand an apology for a non-problem, gang up on that person, flood their replies with nothing but those demands in hopes that someone with as much sense as them on twitter-dot-fucking-com will engage with it and maybe join their futile efforts, it leads to people having to expose a part of themselves that they wanted to keep private. it’s a violation not only of their privacy, but of their emotional consent and the boundaries they had set up.

i’d like to leave anyone guilty of contributing to this situation with this to consider: they start to open up to us more, they start to be more honest with us, they try their best to show us their appreciation for support, and as soon as they mention having an eating disorder it’s a personal attack on you and they need to apologize for it? or worse—someone else said that it was a personal attack on them so you reply five separate times even though it’s not your apology to accept and therefore is not your apology to ask for. it’s bitches like you who make them keep everything vague and private. i don’t even want to consider what they’re going through right now; it breaks my heart to imagine how badly they’re hurting. all for likes and retweets on the fucking bird app. let me know what that gets you in five years.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #275

i’m anxious and my head is hectic so i can’t think of a single song lyric to put here lmao

Have you ever dated anybody online? Yes, but we met up in person for a week+ at a time multiple times. Ever been stalked? No. Ever stalked someone? No. I never got to that point with him because shit’s creepy. Have you ever been called a slut, hoe, skank, whore? Only playfully by close friends because that’s how we show affection sometimes lmao. Have you ever snuck out before? No. Do you eat meat? I wish I didn’t, but I do. If so, do you like meat? Yes. If not, do you have anything against people who eat meat? N/A Have you ever gotten a manicure or pedicure? I went with my old friend and sisters on rare occasions just to hang out. Have you ever been close to getting kidnapped? Jc no, thank fuck. HAVE you ever been kidnapped? No. I’d be so goddamn terrified. Do you listen to Lykke Li? Never heard of ‘em. Have you ever self-harmed? Yes. Do you have any eating disorders? No. Have you ever met a celebrity? No. Do you like Monster Energy or do you prefer other energy drinks? Astonishingly with how much I love soda, I am nooot an energy drink fan. They taste like straight-up poison. Describe the best day of your life? I don’t really know what that would be. About how many times a week do you skip class or just school in general? When I was in school, I’d fake sick as a kid rarely, then in high school I had quite a few mental health days. College, too. Have you ever been suspended from school? No. Have you ever been expelled? No. Do you role-play? Only on designated forums and in serious stories. I need substance behind it. Irl, sexual, and pretty much any other RP doesn’t interest me. Do you watch Degrassi? I never did, no. What is one of the saddest novels you’ve ever read in your lifetime? Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. Jesus fucking Christ. Orbit or 5 Gum? Honestly can’t even remember their tastes… but I THINK I preferred the latter. Have you ever been in a love triangle? No. How bad are your hangovers? I’ve never had one. Do you think Taco Bell is nasty? No. Do you have a jacuzzi? Definitely not. Have you ever broken a bone? If so, what was the cause of it? No. Do you think vegans/vegetarians look down on people who choose to eat animal products? That’s a very generalizing statement… You can’t say that of them all. Some absolutely do, others don’t. Do your friendships tend to last a long time or are they short-lived? Definitely the former. Name the best and worst things about your current or most recent relationship. The best thing was absolutely that I felt accepted for entirely who I was, like I needed to hide not a single thing. The worst thing was easily distance. Fuck distance. How are you? Aggravated at a lot of things. What part of your body are you most insecure about? Absolutely my stomach. What’s one food you would be surprised to hear that someone doesn’t like? Chocolate. I mean I know at least one person who doesn’t, but boy does it catch you off-guard. Do you think your voice is higher or lower than average? It’s definitely lower than the average woman’s. Do you and your parents like any of the same bands/singers? Oh, loads! I couldn’t even begin to list them all. Is there any food in your bedroom? No. Do you know anyone who has road rage? MY YOUNGER SISTER. GOOD LORD. Riding with her is always a trip. How far away do your grandparents live from you? My only (barely) living one is in New York with family, probably until she dies. It’s like ten hours away. What kinds of cereal are in the cupboard? We have chocolate Special K, Honey Nut Cheerios, a Food Lion rip-off of Rice Krispies, and… maybe one more? Is your mom a big health freak or your dad? Or neither? Neither, really. Given her cancer, high blood sugar, and diabetes though, Mom is much more conscious of what she eats. Do you know anyone who wants to be the president one day? Not that I’m aware of. What kinds of chips are in the cupboards? We don’t have any. Mom and I try to keep snack foods out of the house because we know ourselves well enough to know we WILL eat them too fast. Do you have your mom’s or dad’s hair? Absolutely my mom’s. It’s thick as hell like hers was. What’s the first thing you see when you walk into your bedroom? Probably my massive Nightmare Before Christmas poster above my bed. Do you have any friends who have naturally red hair? Yes. Have you ever cried when a teacher retired? Yep. I’m never going to forget my first band teacher; he was a real comedian with a massive heart. We all adored him and got so excited when he would come back to substitute if our instructor had to miss and he was able to come. Oddly enough, I don’t remember his name… When’s the last time you wore heels? Oh Christ. Maybe Ashley’s wedding? Did I even wear heels? Do you have your mom’s or dad’s eyes? Neither. What’s the best date movie? I am such an average white bitch in how my answer to this will always and vehemently be The Notebook. How long has your current best friend been your best friend? Around three years. Have your parents ever been out of the country? No. Do you swear and yell while playing video games? No. I might curse under my breath. Is there any alcohol in the fridge? Oh I WISH. Do your pets chase after bugs? YUP. Roman loves hunting flies. When’s the last time you were so excited you couldn’t sleep? Why? Excited? Probably not since I was going to see Sara. I don’t know. What is your mom’s favorite movie? Oh shit, good question. How much older is your dad then you? Don’t make me math, please. 30-something years. Do you have any relatives who really spoil you? No. Do you know anyone who has security cameras in their house? Probably. What was the last movie to make you cry? No clue. Has anyone you know ever pulled the fire alarm in school, joking around? I think so? Who was the main character in the last book you read? Starflight. Is the last person you said goodbye to single? No, he’s married to my sister. Who are the last people you saw kiss? Like romantically/on the lips? Ummm probably a couple on Facebook or something. Have you ever posted a fan fiction on a website? No. Do you ever fantasize about your future wedding? Who’s the bride/groom? Not anymore. Do you have any relatives who are expecting a baby really soon? No. My high school friend did just announce she’s pregnant with her second child though. When you get married, who will be the maid of honor/best man? My mom. Does your best friend get along with their parents? Yes, they’re fantastic. Have you ever been in a wedding? What were you? Yes; I was the hideous bridesmaid that just cried all through my sister’s wedding. That was a fucking nightmare. Does it matter to you what kind of shampoo you use? I don’t really care, no. Do you have a sensitive gag reflex? Like STUPID fuckin sensitive. Where are you the most ticklish? Don’t touch my fuckin feet. What was the last situation to upset you? It was a petty envy thing that shouldn’t have upset me, let’s move along. Have you ever had an online argument? I’ve been socially on the Internet since I was 11 and am now 24, take a guess lmao. The general subject of your last text conversation? Asking Sara for permission for something RP-related. What is just down the hall from where you’re located? There’s not really a hall at all; my room opens up into the living room. Do any of your friends know you fill out surveys? Well besides the online friends I have here, no. Do you like the controversial/political surveys? ”It depends on if I have enough opinions (and energy) to give good answers or not.” <<<< Exactly this. Who/What did you last spend time worrying about? Myself and my future and my newfound fear of ending up homeless and hopeless after my parents pass away because I’m a very sorry Adult™. What was the last thing you prepared in the oven? Whoa, who knows. The oven scares me, so I don’t use it myself. When were you last offered something illegal? I don’t think I ever have been, actually. Did you accept or decline that offer? N/A When was the last time that you saw fire? On the way home like a week back or something. Someone was burning stuff in their backyard. Have you ever seen somebody get shot? No. What are you listening to? “Little One” by Highly Suspect. Gorgeous song. Do you chew on your hair? Um no???? Can you talk on the phone while having the tv/radio on? No. What size are all the televisions in your house? I don’t know the measurements, but it’s a large Vizio. One of the few really nice things we got when my parents were together. Do you have health insurance? Yes. How many times have you been pulled over by the cops while driving? Zero. What is one of your favorite movie lines? I don’t know, they’re not really something I memorize. What is one thing you look forward to every day? My morning Mountain Dew lmao it’s my coffee, essentially. What is one thing you dread every day? The inevitable part where I’m bored shitless by early evening. Ever lived through a natural disaster? Lots of hurricanes. What’s the longest you’ve lived without electricity? I wanna say around two days? Maybe even three? I don’t remember. Name all the drugs you have tried: None. Name all of the alcoholic beverages you have tried? Margaritas and sangrias with different types of alcohol that I don’t know. Oh, hard lemonade. Oh yeah, wine too, which was fucking repulsive. Name all the types/brands of cigarettes you have tried: None. What is one thing you stand strongly for? Fucking TRY ME on gay rights. What does your doormat say? We don’t have one. Who was the last person you were on hold with (on the phone)? I don’t remember. Who do you know that’s had a baby recently? Ummm I don’t think any *very* recently. Do you know anyone who got married recently? Again, not very. Do you know anyone who has died recently? No. Do you change songs in the car often? I use my iPod to play over it, where I select the songs to play, so I let them play through. However, if I was actually the driver, I definitely wouldn’t; it wouldn’t really matter because I’m so terrified of driving that I need almost no radio at all. What street sign do you find totally pointless? I’m not familiar enough with them all. What drinking games have you played? None. What made you pick up the last book you started reading? Sara got me into the series. Have you received any bad or troubling news lately? Welcome to 20fuckin20, y’all. When was the last time you were relieved about something? *shrug* What about your life concerns you the most? That I’ll waste it. Is there a common thing most people seem to do without trouble, but it scares you (talking on the phone, driving, interviews, etc)? When was the last time you had to do one of these kinds of things? When I went to the doctor a couple weeks ago, I signed myself in. Yes, that sets my anxiety off because I don’t know how to Talk. When was the last time you went somewhere for the first time? Uhhhhhhhh good question. I don’t go anywhere. What is a situation that makes you feel especially confident? Talking about meerkat behavior ha ha. If you’ve moved out from home, what was the scariest thing about it? What was/is your favorite thing about it? N/A Are there any fictional characters you like even though they’re “bad” or “evil?” What qualities draw you to a character? BITCH yes. I just like charisma. For villains, I really like when there’s a *reason* they’re bad, too, and not so just for the sake of it. And I am a SUCKER for sarcastic lil shit villains. What are your thoughts on “forgiving” murderers, rapists, attackers, etc? Do you think it’s even possible to forgive these people? This is a tough question, after I looked past my initial “hell no.” Like, people change. I suppose it varies case-to-case. What was the last series you finished watching? Do you have any plans to begin another? Actually finished, Ginga Densetsu Weed. I’m sure Sara and I will keep watching Avatar: The Last Airbender next time we see each other. What is one way in which you are different from a year ago? What is one way in which you are still the same? I definitely hate myself more than I did. And that’s the problem: I haven’t developed at all in a year’s time. Is there anything you’ve promised yourself you’ll never do again? Multiple things. Do you prefer fake tanning or real tanning? I prefer not tanning at all. Would you date someone who was addicted to drugs? No. I’m not getting into that shit. If the person was recovered, yes, but I wouldn’t hesitate leaving if they relapsed and didn’t seek help. Sounds brutal, but I’m serious about the damage drugs do, and not just to the user. Do you still talk to the person you had your first kiss with? No. It’s probably best we never do again. Can you make yourself cry? I’ve never really tried, but I don’t think so. Are you ready for kids? I’ll never be. Have you ever woken up crying from a bad dream? Plenty of times. Thanks, nightmares every fucking time I sleep. Do you eat breakfast? Yes. Cannot relate to people who don’t like wtf that’s the best part of the morning. Have you ever trusted someone too much? BOY OH BOY OH BOY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did you get your last bruise? I don’t recall. Last time you got a text message and smiled? Idk. What was the last kid’s movie you saw? Ummmmm good question. Have you ever shared a shower or bath with someone as an adult? Noooo, not into it. Sounds dangerous but also just… weird to me. Like let me clean myself in peace??? Are you bitter about anything? Oh, am I. Do you use emojis? Occasionally. I’m too biased to emoticons, growing up using those every sentence, lol… but I’m starting to move towards them depending on the platform, and the ones I use are very limited. Do you have any hidden piercings? (this includes bellybuttons) No. I took my snake eyes out. Has anyone called you perfect before? *lips against mic* that was a motherfuckin lie Have you ever liked someone that was in a relationship? Yes. Have you ever gone through a period of mass weight-gain/weight-loss? What was that time like for you? Both, actually. First, mass weight-gain happened due to a medication I was on that murders metabolism + I was a bad emotional eater after the breakup, and those two don’t mix. Then, through recovery, I lost over 50 pounds in around a year from being off of that fucking medicine and my eating habits returning to normal. What’s one incident that has majorly affected your self-esteem? Was it for better, or for worse? THE BREAKUP. It made me feel like an absolute waste of space and time. Do you have a close bond with your sibling(s)? Was it always this way, or has it been better/worse? Not really, but I wish I did. Ashley and Nicole are very close, then I’m like… awkwardly on the sidelines trying to find times where I can insert myself and be a proper sister. Ash and I ARE closer than we were as kids, while it’s a harsh opposite with Nicole. We shared a room and were very close, but now I feel like she doesn’t even like me. Have you used Limewire before? Ha, yuuup… Who do you envy the most, if anyone at all? I’m uncertain about the most.

[405]

awful flowers*

It's 2009 and it was summer but the breeze coming from the Pacific Ocean, we could feel it as we walked through downtown Long Beach.  The sky was starting to get darker with each new hour.

If you ever wondered whether or not you're different, especially when you're as young as I was, don't worry - everyone is always waiting to tell you how different you are, especially your family.  Different from them, I suppose, but I was just a teenager and everything affected me.  I think that's where I failed to build up a tough skin like people say.

It's 1998 and David invited me over to his house to watch a movie.  I couldn't tell you what we talked about but we watched Pulp Fiction.  I drove all the way up to San Pedro from Carson.  Did I skip class to go?  I was still marveling at the fact I was in college.

David was the first person in years I always wanted to talk to.  He was a friend of a friend.  I don't remember how it was that I met him, not really.  But even all these decades later I still remember his smile and his dimples.  He had a chin dimple.

When Bruce Willis is getting out of the shower in Pulp Fiction, before he blows a gasket because his girlfriend forgot his father's watch at his old apartment, he's toweling himself dry and David says how hot he thinks Bruce Willis is and he shouldn't have had the towel in the movie.

Very many years after David, I became engaged and that day felt like the day David gave me his number.

My older brother and I are in high school at the same time in 1992; he's a senior and I'm a sophomore and one morning we're walking into the school and a person I know from band walks opposite us and says good morning.  His name is Albert.  

David tells me, a few years after high school, he loves the Disney character Maleficent.  I don't know who that is.  He's all smiles when he talks and in retrospect, how could we not see that anyone and everyone could tell we were not straight?  When you're a kid, you always think you lie very well.

Corey breaks up with me twice in a span of almost two years, 2009-2010.  He was right to do it because even after David, and decades-worth of living, he is a more better-rounded man and I am.  It still hurt.  Made me cry twice and I couldn't argue it, especially after he gave me another chance.  He was there when I got fired from my job, he sat in the back of a police car with me when I was driving with an expired license.  Corey was sitting in my car when another car going up on La Brea was hit by a white SUV sending it crashing into mine.  Frankly, what can you do, right?  

I remember a lot about our time together.

I used to call David almost every day in between classes.

Remember pagers?

I used to go to the student union in between my chemistry course and my first linguistics seminar and used the payphone and we'd talk for those two hours. I went to the local Cal state, Dominguez Hills.

Remember having to add time to calls with quarters and dimes?

I have a memory of having a woman waiting for me to be done using the phone one time, but I didn't finish and she left.  I wasn't even embarrassed.

I only knew David for about a month, maybe two.  But he changed my life, and he doesn't know.

I would tell Isaiah he was the love of my life and my best friend.  So when he asked me to marry him  of course I said yes.

We took a vacation that was amazing.

We lived in Dallas then.  We'd been living together for about three years in New York, where we met, and we flew to Las Vegas that spring.  It was 2017.  It's one of my favorite stories about me and him and any of the men I've ever loved, The story of the ring and engagement.

The Sunday before the trip, I borrow his car for work.  I don't remember why but I did.  I didn't think anything of it.

We make plans for a group date in 1998.  David and his friend, and me and mine.  They all love the movie Grease and it is out in theaters again, but I don't remember why.  David held my hand the entire movie.

Corey was the first person I ever reached out to when I found out I was HIV-positive in 2007.  We hadn't met in person yet.

How Corey and I met was in 2004 via MySpace when MySpace was new and a thing.  I'd never even heard about Facebook, then.  But he was so handsome: green eyes and mustache, heavily-filtered  picture before any of us knew what a photo filter meant online.

How it worked then: he showed up on a friend's page – Lisbeth Espinosa - and I thought he was handsome so I clicked his picture and read what he wrote and I was floored.  I never read anything that was so brutal and fragile at the same time.  I wish I'd saved his stories from then because I'm feeling nostalgic.

He was handsome and smart and had had a pretty tough life.  I don't even know why he even wrote me in the first place when he saw I'd added him to my friends list or like one of his posts.

It is 2020 and that is what I'm thinking and I only told him recently he's my hero.

But I called him heroine because it's like that.

My older brother tells me in 1992 not to talk to Albert and to not hang around with him after Albert walks by and says good morning to us both.  I kind of laugh and ask him why, does he know him?

Albert and my older brother are in the same grade so he tells me.

My older brother, tells me I can't be around Albert because he's a fag.

My older brother, he tells me he can't have people knowing his younger brother hangs around with Albert.  Because he's a fag.

I”m fifteen years old and I don't know I'm not straight yet.

David and his and my friends come pick me up from my house to go have breakfast that spring and when I tell my father, he's upset and angry in that way he can't ever hide, but I don't know why.  This is after Grease but before my father hits me for the last time.

We're in Las Vegas and we go do things and eat things and fuck and love each other in a way that I never thought I could.  It's 2017

I loved every second of it.

Here are some things: we took a helicopter ride, we shopped and window-shopped, we had drinks for breakfast, I took him to the Double Down and Freezone, we went to the aquarium at Mandalay Bay.

It may sound very middle class and it was and I loved it. All of it.

On the second night, after the helicopter ride over the Las Vegas Strip, we're in a limousine, on the way to Piranha and we're talking but I don't remember about what because he begins to tell ask me to marry him, he reaches into his jacket pocket for the ring, and I interrupt him and say yes and I fall to the floor of the car and I cry and I love him and he loves me.

The love of my life.

My family never knew about Corey even though I was living with them and I'd lost my job.

I told Corey I would tell them and I never did because I was a coward.  

It was 2010 and I was thirty years old and still afraid of my parents and coming out.  This wasn't self-imposed: Corey asked me how long I needed and I told him the end of August and I never did it.

Over a decade later Isaiah asks me to marry him and I tell my family, my parents and my siblings, all four of them.  None of them tell me they're happy for me.

A decade before Corey, David changes my life.

A little more than a decade after David, I see Corey on the Sunset Strip, at a vegan restaurant where I am with a friend of mine – Jodi – and Corey walks in with his date and I lose my shit.  It was October 17th, 2010.

Strange the things I remember about out time, Corey and me.

David changed my life in this way:

Nearly two decades before I met Isaiah, I wrote pages and pages in my diary about David.  How I felt about him and how he made me feel.  David was the first boy I ever felt about in all the cliched ways.  Puppy love but what can you do when you're twenty-one? I write all the pages in a notebook that I left out in the family living room one night and went to bed feeling amazing and my older brother read it.  This was before that breakfast but after David held my hand.  The next morning was a regular day.  The next evening was not regular because my older and younger brothers told me they read what I wrote.  In the typical self-righteous ways, they told me all the ways in which my life was a mess.  But I didn't care and I'm sure I told them so.  I was so smug.  I remembered Albert, then.  My younger brother was quiet, my older brother was extremely upset.  I didn't give a single fuck about them and their invasion of my privacy and my own stupidity for having left my diary out in the open.  I just wanted to go to bed because I went to class and work and I didn't care about what my brothers thought about my loving this boy.  My older brother then told me he told our parents.

David was the first boy I ever liked.

Very many years later, it's 2009 and we're at a downtown Long Beach train station, Corey and me.  Before we broke up the second time.

Even more years later, I'm calling my mother and father from Dallas to tell them I'm engaged to be married to Isaiah.

Corey changed my life in this way:

I'd read the novel The Road by Cormac McCarthy and a movie based on it came out.  We went to The Grove in Los Angeles and I remember liking it but not loving it.  Corey and I were at his apartment building in Hollywood, at the bottom of the stairs.  This is before we became anything somewhat serious, before the two break ups.  And we're talking about the movie and book.  He hadn't read it.  We're parsing out what we think the apocalypse in the story is, what the cannibals mean, what the father's failures are, what the boy gets from strangers at the end, when the father dies.  And we're talking for almost two hours and we're disagreeing wildly.  And laughing and arguing in the best ways possible.  That was when I knew.  I don't know about him, but I remember that night for always because until that point, I hadn't ever discussed something like that with a man.  I knew then because we disagreed about a movie and he never once backed down.  In 2004 I new this but maybe forgot?

My older brother would have hated him.

My younger brother wouldn't have.  Corey and him have the same birthday.

Very many years before then, Albert told me he knew no one liked him at school because he was so flamboyant and openly bisexual.  He told me these things.

Corey was the first man I fell in love with.

That was how Albert changed my life: he existed as a teenager.

In 2017, Isaiah told me after our drinks at the Double Down and engagement that he was worried when I borrowed his car some days earlier, before the Las Vegas trip, because I'd made a joke about him taking me on a vacation so he could propose to me.  I laughed and told him I'd been making those cracks for years but I really didn't want to pressure him.  That wasn't what he meant. We were together for four years.

Isaiah told me as early as 2015 he'd wanted to ask me to marry him and I couldn't believe it.

Isaiah told me when I borrowed his car that previous Sunday to go to work, he already knew he'd ask me to marry him on the trip and I asked something dumb I think, and he laughed and told me that Sunday before our trip, when I borrowed his car, the ring I was wearing, the ring was in the glove box. We laughed.

It was the best day of my life.

My father changed my life in this way:

On a Monday in 1998, he confronted me about David.  I came home straight from classes because he told me to that morning and I did because my father was scary.  And I called my then-best friend crying.  I was worried.  I was frightened.  I came home and my father didn't say anything at first.  In the evening, he comes into the room I'm sharing with my younger brother and tells me off.  This is why he was so angry about that breakfast with David and our friends – he already knew.  He knew David was going to be there.  This was a terrible bullshit play that people make movies about.  Those movies about non-straight kids killing themselves, and adults being murdered simply because they exist.  I don't remember what my father said or what I said, but at a point, my father slapped me.  And he walked out.

Over twenty years before I say I will marry Isaiah, that's when I lose any semblance of respect for my father and my brothers.  I will never be like them.

My older brother changed my life in this way:

His girlfriend called me a faggot and he laughed.

Albert and Isaiah and Corey and David and my father and my older brother, these men all changed my life when I didn't want them to.  But probably when I needed them to.

Over a decade before Isaiah ends our relationship, in 2009, I'm walking Corey to the train in Long Beach and the weather is beautiful and we're holding hands and a pair of women, they say something I don't catch bu Corey tells me what it is and I say something like, “Aw, they like us together.”  We wait for the train – Corey lives in Hollywood, and jobless me lives at home in Long Beach.

Train arrives and the full platform begins to fill some more with people getting off the train.

I move to kiss and hug Corey and he tells me not to.  I think I said, “Really?”

Corey says he can't let the guys in the train he's about to get into for an hour-long ride know he's gay.

Corey is worried, scared?

Corey knows the world better than I do.

We don't kiss, we don't hug, and he gets on the train.

Albert and I were never really friends.  I wonder every now and then what happened to him.

Isaiah changed my life in this way:

I never really thought that I would ever want to be married to anyone. And when I was thirty-nine, we went to a bar in New York City, in the Upper West Side.  We weren't having a great day.  I remember that but I don't remember why.  It was the first place we'd first met for drinks but not as a date a year before.  The Suite Bar was the first place I ever met him in a social situation and I told him about me and my life, and the first time he flirted with me.  But New Year's eve in 2015, before we left New York for Dallas, we were drinking and not having a great time, an interracial hetero couple came in with their friends and they were loud and bright and Isaiah and I lit up because these people were drunk and when other people are having fun, we were having fun watching.  And when this couple bought us drinks we said thanks, and when this couple and their friends asked us to dance we said yes.  She was a firefighter and he was a model; she was white and he was black.  And we danced and sang and drank with them and their friends.  Isaiah saw me onstage at a shitty Upper West Side gay bar singing along to some bullshit Madonna song that isn't Borderline.  And I knew he loved me and I loved him.  Not in the way that it sounds.  I knew then I loved him in the way that no one in my entire life had ever made me feel.  I don't know if I would call him husband, but I think that's when I knew I would ask him to marry me, or say yes if he asked, somewhen in the future.  I didn't know until that moment that could commit to someone so unequivocally and without hesitation.  He changed my life.

Years later I interrupted him asking me to be with him forever while we rode in a limousine to a shitty gay bar in Las Vegas.  And Isaiah changed my life again when almost after two years of engagement, he broke my heart when he said he couldn't give me what I wanted as a man, as a partner, as a husband.

In 1986, I walked into a classroom in Wilmington, California, and saw the pretties girl I ever saw.

(*title comes from saeed jones’s HOW WE FIGHT FOR OUR LIVES)

[charmed-asylum]

🔪Midnight Desire🔪

Midnight Desire, part one

Summery:  A group of seniors simple night of drinking and partying at their local grocery store. Turns for the worst when they realize they are lock in with something far more dangerous then they ever imagine

Declaimer: Midnight Desire has a few curse words and hints at some abuse. This is my very first story I am posting onto tumblr so please be kind give it a glance. Also my sweet lovers I do have dyslexia so for me to jump the head 1st and do this is a big deal for grammar might be a bit off.  I promise you a good ride from beginning to end. So buckle up and enjoy the ride. - xoxo Charmed- Asylum 

tagged: @weapinggwillowss​ @strangerfictions​

wanna be tagged let me know. wanna tell me i suck heck let me know. 

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Fire alarm sound police sirens heard off in the distance.  The noise  of such importance however is muffed from the sound of a soft cry, crying for help . Nothing can break this cry , it plead can break glass hurt even the biggest monsters. Where is this cry comes from this dark cool winter night.  As the cry becomes loud so loud that it more a scream  a bloody hand comes out of a chained cellar door.

24 Hours Earlier

Beep beep. A hand lounges out the bed and press the snooze button, old Hello Kitty stickers cover, alarm clock. Slowly getting up. A young girl around 16 with golden brown beginning of October soft skin with matching midnight sky eyes and short curly golden honey brown hair that came up to her chin.While she could ever tell from looking into a mirror her beauty would make anyone want to stop and give a second glance. A few minutes she mumble into the pillow. As the time slowly past she finally decide to get up.  Her eyes were closed as she slumped forward still in deep sleep went across the hall to the bathroom. Another girl tall with fair skin long store bought blonde hair about  18 came from behind and rushes into the bathroom before other girl can realize what was happening.  Slammed the door in her face. Upset. The girl starts knocking on the door full of rage. 

" Cora come on. I got up first. Let me in! You take forever" she said banging at the door with all her might .

 An older man in his late 40s advantage build with ash brown hair  came from  behind and quietly watch the young girl in her old Queens T shirt attacking the door like a punching bag. A smirk appears .  Music start blasting from inside the bathroom. 

" Good morning,  sweetie. Don’t worry  just come use our bathroom. Mom done and I just need to finish getting dressed Jolie" the man says smiling at her with his hand gently place on upper backside. Looking back at the door pissed she kicks the door one last time as hard as she could and follows him to the other bathroom.  As she closed the door to get ready she sees him sitting on the bed in a still daze just looking at her with a jester grind.  She glanced back at herself she never felt pretty even though her mom told her time and again she was. She had freckles across face that was a bit closer to her long lashes that blink across  she never worn makeup so her face remain bare. She always wishes she had more of Cora beauty the ones some girls are born with ones that everyone has a picture of ones that they use to paint a picture or create another barbie after. Her hair drop in front of her face. Ripped jeans that sits slightly below her waist that went with Velvet Underground t shirt that drop over her mom old denim jacket. Satisfied with what she was wearing she decided it was best to face the music and start her day.  She peak around before walking out ready to get another day over with. 

" Jolie how was your sleep last night" her mom asked. She was a bit younger than the man with a face that belongs in a museum by itself. With tired eyes  she came over and kiss Jolie on  the forehead. Smiling at her. Jolie says nothing and grab a piece of bacon and sit down on a wooden stool by the kitchen. 

The older girl skips down the stairs, pushing into Jolie causing her to spill her orange juice. Jolie looks up at the girl then starts to pick up the broken glass. The man comes from behind  her holds her back gently for a minute before helping with broken glass. Looking up with eyes that burn with a blue fire. 

" Cora it's been almost a year. You need to stop acting like a  fucking baby. Be nice to Jolie she your baby sister " he says firmly. 

Cora rolls her eyes and smirks at him. " Not my fault the loser. Does not pay attention to me or her surrounds. It’s stepsister by the way we are not related" Cora said while taking a bite out of an apple. Jolie gets up and throw the rest of broken glass in the trash. " Thanks. But it's fine. Mom how are you this morning. Take your pills" Jolie said pretending Cora said nothing.

 A gentle kiddish like laugh left her mom small plump lips as played with her curls between her white manicure nails. Kissing her cheek as she walked passed her. " I'm fine. Jojo Stop worrying about me. I’m the sick one not you. You need to be like your sister and start….. You not always guaranteed a tomorrow, Jolie Wellstone" she stops and looks at Cora putting makeup on. " You need to socialize not staying here. Maybe you should do something with Cora" she says looking at Jolie as she drinking a cup of hot green  tea. 

Jo glance at Cora as she finished her face. Thinking of other things she wants to do then do that. So far her list has living the zombie apocalypse and eating vegan food. 

A car outside honk, BEEP. Not missing a beat ,Cora excited to end this charade bounces up and rushes for the door. Jo watched Cora from the window to get a better look outside to the red convertible. A guy that looks like he came out every cliche John Hughes movie was driving while another guy was in the back smoking weed. Cora hops in the front and the guy grabs at her perfect 40C boobs and starting to make out with her before driving off. God I hate it here Looking back at the stock photo picture perfect couple she slug back into the chair and plays with her tea bag with her spoon. The man watches her as she slipped into her own thoughts then looks at mom concern. 

" Richard being so good to us. I know you understand but. ...Eventually he and Cora will be your family, Jojo. She like us not used to this. You just need to find something" mom says holding Richard hand tight. She hated when her mom use her name worst when she used her nickname. Jo looks at him then looks away back at her cup.

" I try on the behalf of the both of us, mom. It's been some really good months here. Don't want you ups..." a bus horn beeps. Saved by the bell she thought to herself.

Grabbing her bag and lunch she kiss both of them on the forehead and goes out to start her day. She was glad to leave she hated lying to her. But knowing mom she knows she already knows she always know Jo thought to herself.

 The bus is basically a collection of the body snatchers. It was an oddball of folks. The bus crew. Jolie was nothing like Cora at less not here. She was lonely and  no one could give two cents who, Jolie Wellstone was. Best way she found herself making sense of this feeling was like her birthday, it is a month that millions others she share with but  don't know. Weird way of thinking yes. But that's how she was brought up how her mom and dad taught her to be like. Only other group she talks was groups she put with because of  class. This week Ivy, Kyle, Robinson. 

School for Jolie was different since she moved . She use to jump early before the alarm go talk to her many friends give everyone a smile and high five in the hallways. She wasn't alone but ever since Richard came into her and her moms life it all she knew now. She use to be more than just a piece of space moving from classroom to classroom. Now and days Jo basically rush to class answer the questions the teacher asks right in her head.  Only once she got it wrong 5th grade health class,the human brain can read up to 1,000 words per minute . 

Lunch use to be full with laughter as she made her friends spill their milk and juice out there noise or she talk up anyone with a smile to sign her newest protest of the week. Now lunch was a time she spent by herself in the bathroom or on brave days outside by the basketball courts. She like it there because eight of ten times she would see Garrett . Nothing more then her high school crush. He had a surfer tan that was just perfect even though it was never above 60 degrees  6’5 tall glass of yummy with matching  gorgeous summer sky blue eyes and a voice that all alone made you explode.  You all had one why not to him she always says as she goes through his iBook page . Checking like it was a daily ritual. Still single. Thank you baby Jesus yes. 

They had four classes together including lunch. He was older but same age as Cora,18. Four had became her magic number so far. 4.  Four on the amount of times they talk or was close. First day bump into him , put on his team in gym, ask for a pen, and passing English Lit chapter 7 test to him. While Jo was a sophomore she had all senior classes. Something she hated  until she saw Garrett for the first time.  

Jo was a loner and sadly he was too. However, for him it was by choice. He was better at hiding it but she knew even though they never really talk outside of those four times in her months of being stuck in this hellhole. Her Winston to her Holmes. Her moon to her stars. That magic number would be something of the past after today. Today was different. It was the second to last class study hall in the library, also with Garrett and one of her favorite class. What can ever be better than reading books, doing homework, and  looking at Garrett as he had his feet kicked up on the table smoking a cigarette playing with his lighter and no care. 

Jo was simply looking at the black and white checkered floor walking to class when she saw Fred, Mr. John Hughes  and Farrah making out, Cora’s bestie and boyfriend. She knew she should've left but she couldn't  help herself but get a quick look and see. Creeping in the shadows like a ninja.  Part of her wanted to watch see what was happening out of concern. She might of had a very strong dislike of Cora , still cared. Wasn’t that she hated her just there were a lot of things she would hope happen before she admit it. Going down the list  like starve to death or god forbid not be able to see her mom, or Garrett again. The root to all her evils. Caring about others before herself. The bell rings. Being late or being caught. Very hard decision Jo turns around and bumps right into Fred . Caught red hand. 

She grabbed her things tried to make a break for it. Fred being Mr. I’m a meathead and press 450 easy was able to stop her in no time. 

" Macy right your Cora new step  sister" he says holding onto Jo bag strap. Looking at up into his storm gray eyes Jo nods. 

" It's kinda not Macy though but that's fine " Jo says trying not to stress sweat. She never spoke to him she got a few looks from his when he would pick or drop Cora off. Or when he came by one of the first days she and her mom move here and Richard had a little barbecue for them.  He does not say a word just brings himself close to her still holding onto her bag.His eyes could turn her to stone that how intense it felt What was going on between the two was nothing close to any good tension but more  like they were about to have a staring contest. He looks her once over and smile. 

 " I actually was worried seeing you  watching me until I realize who you are, Macy. Did it turn you on watching me.Like the little holy mary virgin you are ” he stops and twist her curl that dropped down into her face with his finger “That was her doing . I stop it as soon as it  started to happen. So no word right " he says in a very very serious but creepy tone his finger still twisting her curl. 

Feeling her ten seconds was up Jo nod and bolted to class without a word. Busting right into Garrett strong define chest, he held tight to her small figure a bit tight as she almost fell. He glanced back to where she came from then back down at her. That one touch almost sent her sent her places she only went to when she was alone in her room or in her dreams. She bit corner of her bottom left side of her lip as she mouth sorry and ran off embarrassed.

 After that touch by heaven moment Jo spent the rest of her day hiding from the world.  She even decided to walk the 12 minutes walk home in hops she would not bump into Fred or Garrett. Today word be bad luck Jo Jo she said to herself as she continued her walk home. The name her dad use to call her. Everyone can call her Jolie even Jo but no one but him use to call her Jo Jo that was his and his alone.

Her Mom came home from work 5 ish beat. Just in time for their alone time, watching the news and Family Feud for an hour or so. Then by 7  she would play house wife for Richard. Something she never did before. 

" It's Friday .Do you have any plans? Me and Ricky are going to the doctors then a party. Fun uh. What abo-..." her convention was interrupted by the Cora and Richard arguing in the next room. 

Which for some reason still gets her startled but for Jo it was the new normal. She and her mom never was as vocal as they was but after the fifth scream match it shock value lesson . Cora lungs her bag on the floor and stomps up stairs. Richard loosens his tie and un bottom a few bottoms from his shirt walk into the living room, where Jo and mom was at.  Watching the real Family Feud in front of them. Kissing both of them on the forehead. He pushes his way between Jo and her mom putting one arm tight around Jo shoulder. And like a switch of the light her mom got up to mostly likely continue her housewife duties. Jo never understand why she did it. She never did that before but she was young. She could not remember how much time past when Richard stop talking to her and they got up to do something. 

She had to get away from him as far as she could. Walking pass Cora’s bedroom door. She peeks in like the weirdo she is to see if Cora was hot gluing her face on. Covering the evil witch that she was. Why a witch easy because she can make everyone foul that she actually nice. Nope. Just on the phone talking. As she started to walk pass. She stops and turns around back into the lion dean.

"Cora we need to talk" she said blunty. Why What uh. The simple thoughts started flashing in her mind. Cora chewing on gum rolls her eyes and continue to talk on the phone as if Jolie said nothing. Same thing she did earlier.

 " I lost my dad just like you lost your mom and brother only difference is you still have time with your dad. I lost mine young and found out I'm losing my mom all”  Jo stops and looks away hiding her tears" I found out the same time….. You stay here. I left my life. I'm going to be stuck here. You got lucky always lucky. You leave in a few months. Everyday I'm alone. Because at the end of the day. I got the dang short stick. Never nothing I want. You might hate me well I do sometimes too. But I still care about you and... Richard, always will. Just like my mom does. Can you at least fake it. Then when she gone you can go back to whatever this is" Jo stops. She hated talking about any of this. Her father, mom, the future, her path. But she was tired of it. Sick. Jolie decides not to wait for Cora response. Not this time. Later maybe but not now. Also she had to pee. 

Dinner was as normal as abnormal it always was. Eating her corn, " So dad. Can I get a 50 I’m going out with the squad to" Cora starts to say to Richard.

 Richard devouring his stake looks at her then at mom. " No way. It's dinner time. Family time. Your n" he starts to say cutting Cora off. Mom feeling and seeing the same overdone clip cuts in. 

" Honey..... so Cora what are you plans with your gang  " she says trying to sound hip. Jo looks at her and smiles at herself. There it goes. There where I got all my social traits from. Richard was of course was talking to himself attack the stake. Which from the look of it the plate was really the loser. Poor plate. 

Cora mad looks at Jo. " Daddy. Me and lo- Jolie talk. She new and being such a nice person I am I bringing her to the homecoming game then to the movies afterwards. Starting a new leaf. Which is why I need the money daddo. Also we will be back by 2 ish" Cora says looking at Jo. Smart move using the socially awkward girl to get what you want Jo thought to herself as she looked down at her food. 

Mom excited smiles. "Really oh my shit balls. I’m so gosh darn happy. See Jolie. Of course. Your dad be glad to. Ricky. It gives us some alone time,after the party. HUH . Give Jo some money. And  Jo remember the rules. And 1 am Cora. No more than that not even a second" mom says getting up grabbing her plate. What about board game night we was gonna play Trouble she thought to myself watching her mom getting all the dirty plates.  Richard smile and waits till  mom leaves. 

" Cora, don't do ANYTHING to hurt her. Only reason you're going is her" he says gulping rest of  his Budweiser. Cora smirks at his threat and rolls her eyes and looks at Jo.

 "They are like so gonna be here soon. REMEMBER so hurry up....and don't forget the cash" Cora says with a plastic Barbie smile and storms off. Jo slowly looks at Richard still gulping down rest of his Budweiser.  As she starts to leave Richard grab tight to Jo tiny wrist. " Have fun. Baby . This night ...will be one you will never forget. Here. Take the money. Tell the coach I said hi" he says to Jo with a smooth demeanor one he did not have seconds ago . Numb by the feeling. Jo simply smiles and leave. 

She fumbles up to grab her things. Nothing much: her keys or janitor as she calls it, her wallet, lighter for Cora because she always losing hers and asking. A few books no less than three. Two normal and a color book. Pens and markers. Gum. Tissues. And charger. All stuff with way to much more crap in her old backpack cover in bumper stickers and buttons. 

Mom was down stairs taking pictures like it was a senior prom. Memory She always said before she would go over overboard with it. Ok not this time but for the most of the time. She goes over over board. Cora was enjoying every second of it. Posing and laughing like she was going to be cover of Seventeen .

 " Come down Jolie two pictures that's all then you can go " mom says. Jo stand by Cora and waited. click click. And one selfie of all three on mom's phone. Simple kiss on the check and wait let me email this to you Jolie second. Mom hold her close. “Thanks Jolie. We both need this. Love You sweetie” she said then wave goodbye. Jo hold her tight and whisper I love you before leaving. 

Cora was more than excited minus Jo was coming. In the car were the same three people as this morning . Jo walks slowly behind her nervous praying to baby Jesus. There was no one drunk and or cops would pull them over because of drunken foul . Newspaper reads poor loser dies when mom force her to socialize with others 

" Hey dumb shit let's go" Cora says sitting in the passenger seat. Jo looks back and wave goodbye once more. “ You won't believe how I got out. This space cake actually help me. And got cash. Was able to even score more than what I ask. Gonna have to bring my little pet often" Cora says laughing putting more of blood red lipstick on. A boy with a bad case of twitch looks at Jo like a glass of water in the desert.

 " So you visiting or something"he says looking at Jo.

 " No actually I been living her with Cora for months now. Hi name Jolie but you can call me Jo ”  Jo says trying not to give off the you smell like yucky weed face. He smiles and look at the girl sitting next to him, Farrah aka bestie who made out with you know who. She had black hair blue eyes look as perfect as Cora did.  Cora gets up from her seat and turn around. " Does anyone have like cigs or liquor on them. Babysitting lil dumbo here. Forgot to grab out daddy stash" Cora said. 

Jo look at everyone as no one offer her anything. " I got pop and some matches"  says like a silly head. The boy deadpans her then starts to bust out laughing. Pointing at her crying like he was Banzai from the Lion King .

 " I....I....I..Oh I like her. What is she like 2 and retarded. Pop and....and matches" he says giggling to himself. Fred turns around and curse at himself. " How we gonna have fun at a game with no fucking stuff" he says. Cora looks and whispers to him.Fred looks out to the road and makes a sharp turns around. 

After a few minutes pass. They pull up to an old grocery market in the center of the town. It late, deserted. Snow was falling gently like the beginning of a Christmas movie. Something that caught Jo eye so she did not realize it at first what was happening. Fred exchanges some looks at everyone and grab a flashlight got out and started to walk  towards the store. Follow by Farrah and Lex, the boy that was differently high. Cora was left behind checking herself once again. Jo rocking back and forth.

 " Cora Cora we made a wrong turn. We are not by the school anymore. What are we doing here. Mom and Richard are going to be worried. What happens if they stop by and we are not there…. Lord cheese crackers. That's it I’m texting her" Jo says stumbling around her bag freaking out. Cora making a fish look glancing in the mirror to see Jo still looking for her phone.

 " So you want to look  and act like a baby. Baby. Well congrats you are top of that list. Hey stop. We already heard the game gonna suck. Like we are gonna win and blah blah. Same thing every year. We already made new plans before we left. So either you suck it up and come in or stay out here in the cold till we come back"she says getting up and leaving Jo speechless. 

Jo watched as Cora catwalk in the store in the freezing cold in her high heels and small pink Michcal Kors jacket . Her phone in her hand she starts to text her mom.  She stops mid way texting her mom to see the pictures from earlier her mom sent her.  A long struggle Cora put her though. I’m not a baby. Just ... Okay I'm a baby. One that does not mind being the helper and loner. I bet Garrett would thinks that be fine. If he knew me. They playing a joke I just wait out here. I show who a baby Jo whisper to herself looking  out to the empty roads. Laying down in the back Jo looks up at the stars. Passing time till they come back out. It was quite. Only thing you could hear was the sound of the lights. Light of the street lights, neon or store lights. Then the cold breeze. Cold very cold breeze. She slowly gets up after a while when she realize she was all alone.

 Looking around again. She stops. Fudge It she pouts to herself.  Start to walk inside. See what was taking so long. The front of the store was locked . Chains and chains oh wait some more locked chains. Jo tried to look through but she could only see the outline of what looks to be a person. Jo following to the back to see a door with a rock keeping it open.

It looked like it was one of those vintage out a magazine stores. She came with her mom a few times but her mom prefer the one town over more populated and better selections.  Following the noise she heard laughter and arguments. Walking closer she sees a figure talking to Fred. Cora lending across closer to Fred but in a mid distance as she was waiting for her call. Farrah and Lex was smoking giggling at each other stupidity. Lex of course was the first to realize they weren't alone anymore. He strung his head to Fred and then he stop giggling.

 Screaming from afar it sound like mumbling. Lex closer smiles and says" Cops outside. Girlie" he says chuckling at Jo. Shaking her head no she looks around then back at him .

 " Uh....No. Just. No" Jo says. 

Fred strugs. " So you finally decided to come in we were betting. I guess we are technically all wrong. Cora and I said never, Lex said ten minutes, Farrah had no faith in you and said a second" Fred stops and laugh. Looking at his watch " 1 hour and 49 minutes. What were you doing ? It's freaking cold as ice breaks out there " Fred says with a devilish grin. 

The figure behind them upset throw it hands up  rushes off between the allies. 

" What is going on is this a joke" Jo says looking at Cora. Cora rolls her eyes " We are seniors in a boring ass hick town. We wanted to do something legendary so why not sneak into the town old ass market and party to dawn. Think of it as a senior prank. Look we did a nice thing. You are our  like well witness. The person that gets to spread it around and be the undergrad that was apart of history"Cora says proud of herself. 

 Jo shock not only by the coldness of emotions but the fact she was even numb by the blow. " I'm not getting in trouble. Why should I....anyway we can get caught. Trouble. I can't do trouble. I am not built for that . NO WAY JOSE I'm out where the nearest bus towards home or taxi" Jo says starting to go back outside looking at my phone for service. 

They tried to stop her reason with her best a couple of drunk and high teenagers could do.  Fred piss came from behind her grabs her collar of her shirt and pull her back. Jo clumsy stumbles back bumping her head against a rack  stack of photo chips  .  

An Hour Later 

 Jo woke up still a bit dizzy from the fall ice on her forehead laying on a stack of old Sunday newspaper. She holds the ice closer to the back of her head looks up. Fred was talking to Cora. Cora looks royalty piss like worse then the time Jo accidentally slipped paint on her expense Gucci shoes and Richard had to hold Cora back from killing Jo. Fred look back to see Jo walks to her with Lex.

 " Look. Kitten. You would mess up things. We are not doing anything wrong. Party till game ends clean up then leave. No ones out there everything close. So stay here like a good baby . And be grateful we are nice to a loser like you. You got it" he says with a mean tone pointing into her chest. Jo looks at him then glance at everyone else. Nothing. Empty. Still no figure. Jo shakes her head yes. Still feeling the pain with each nod. What could she do say. She was not tough brave. She was a baby.

Cora walk back with the figure. It walked passed everyone till it got to Jo. She could not tell it close arm distance to see who it was. Garrett. Shock and piss. And if Jo was not so dizzy from the hit him coming this close to her would have made pass out from all the excitement in going on in her body.  " I can't lose this job. You got till midnight. Then we are FUCKING though. Go get drunk in the parking lot all I care" he says looking back at the group pissed. He stops and glance at Jo. His eyes shift from pissed to concern.  Jo shock starts to open her mouth to say something but before anything he leaves once again.

 Fred rolls his eyes and brush it off as what's ever. Drunk now he grabs Cora and start to dance  with her to Lex mp3 player . They spend some more time drinking and smoking around the store. Jo sat still on the floor, glancing to the back a few times to see if he comes back.  After a while she was pulled back into reality and force to dance with Farrah. Who was as slutty as a video vixen. As time passed they either left to explore or grab some munchies aka find somewhere to make out . Jo decided to make the best of things and found a quiet spot closer to the vents with a cool  breeze. Reading one of her books in her zone her space. She stops mid paragraph mid word  death . There was something cutting her breeze.

 " You mine I chill here with you. Everyone hooking up and I'm not in the mood to smoke. Been trying to quite a few months ago the huh the smoking" a voice says. Jo shakes her head no looking at the page. Pain was not as intense but annoying . She looks up to see Garrett standing there. He looks down at you with his drop dead smile and glitter blue eyes piercing back at you. Garrett sits down and looks at the book Jo was reading, " Good book. So much irony. Jo is that your real name" he says still holding the book in his big marvel  hands. Jo shakes her head no. Surprise not only he knew her name but it being his first question " Jolie. Its huh Jolie. Most people call me Jo. Before you ask kinda. My dad  used to call me Jo Jo. Why" she says trying to default all her butterflies away.

 Garrett smiles a bit bigger. He looked away for a second then back to her. She was mesmerized at his face eye darted to his pink lips. GOD THOSE KISS READY LIPS. " Jolie. That's pretty beautiful . Fits you more then Jo. Mind I call you that Jolie not Jo. I seen you around. I think we got classes together. How your head" he says looking up at her head. Jo slowly touches it wincing at the pain. 

 " Gym, English lit, and something else" he stops he was closer to her and takes her bag while she wasn't paying attention. Smiling with such charm he starts going though. " Running away huh. That never helps anything, Jolie" he says playfully. Jo smiles iffy about the name but he sure changing that" I’m not runway no more. Or at least NOT now. That's to help me remember a reason to stay. Can't believe even you " she says scratching back of her ear. She stops and look at him. Garrett smiles and goes through her bag not fully pay attention.

 " Well I’m happy. You would have kept me alone with these drunk horny retards. Dang. Jolie got a lot of stuff.  Cool stuff. Wait why the keys and fake tattoos. No nope these must have a story" he says looking through the fake tattoos. Jo smiles. " Dad said more keys you have the more opportunities you have. Now I’m pushing endless. A lot of them it's like endless stories.Ideas” Jo says trying not to blush. 

He scoop a bit closer still looking through her things. His dirty blonde hair was the perfect blend of messy with a purpose. Match with a scent that always drove her crazy it was a mixture of lumber wood and sex appeal. She has been close to him but mostly back of his head in class or behind him in gym class. Never out of class never him coming to her. Was it that he was bored and she seems easy.  Or was he really put on babysitting duties. She wasn't sure she really wasn't. But for a quick second before it clicks into reality she just decided to enjoy it. Garrett look up to speak, interrupting Jo inner thoughts. 

" Don't see any pictures of your boyfriend how come. Or girl-" Jo interrupts him " Boyfriend. BOYS. MEN. I mean I'm single" she says looking at him  as he took out a pop and a bag of chips. He glances at her for her approval. Nodding. " My turn. More of a statement. You don't have to baby me. Or whatever they have you doing. And I'm not that type. That take you against some canned food or on the cold ass floor. I'm sure you can understand" Jo said looking at him. He freezes with sour cream and onion flavor chips in his hand and stuff in his mouth. Chewing slowly he just look at her confused . Clearing her throat. " I mean. What about you any special girl in your life" she says cursing at herself for saying something. 

He smiles at her with that million dollars just won the lottery smile. " No. But I do have my eye on a girl to be honest. But it complicated. And I sorry. I can imagine what it looks like. Me here. You. But reality is I just feel your more my speed" he stop and look at a have no clue Jo" Sober. Good vibes. Cool" he says drinking some of the pop. She wanted to smile so bad blush even. Text her mom the cool news. Her mom knew from there little talks she had a crush on Garrett.  But instead she just said nothing. "So this girl. Why not tell her. What she some cheerleader or something" Jo says trying to hide the bit of jealous for this girl. Garrett struggles and blushed a bit. " No. She actually new here. And she no cheerleader. She way way  more fucking prettier them those dust bag. Smarter too. She also a bit younger not much . Not sure she likes a guy like me" he says looking down at the bag of chips. 

Jo hated this girl already no name or face but she hated her more than anything. "Hey uh Garrett. As a girl who shares class with you. This girl she be stupid no borderline retarded beyond repair  if she doesn't like you... Hey want do something fun out of my bag" she said to him trying to change the subject before she confessed her undying  love for him in the middle of a grocery store. He glances up after a long thought. And says yes. They talk a lot more. What they thought of class today. Taste and music. List was endless. She for once did not feel alone or afraid or even flushed by being by this close to Garrett. Instead she felt normal like the girl she used to be before moving here.

Garrett looking at his cool new panda bear with roses and bar wire, " It must be hard. Coming here. Not really belonging anywhere both at school and home. If it makes you feel better it's the same with me, Jolie. I kinda want to confess something" he starts to say. The alarm on his phone went off. Damn he whispered to himself. He looks at Jo sipping on some water listening to his music, Foo Fighters. " Have to do rounds. Want to come with. Also with what Fred did kinda don't want to leave you behind, Jolie" he whispered into her ear. Nodding at the delight of continuing this affairs or the omfg this isn't happening tour. They walked side by side down each row.  Jo looking up at him as he talked about the job, his family or the many stories he smile and laugh as he told her. 

" Hey tour guide. Do you know if we get a bathroom break. The water getting to me" she said trying to hold her pee. Garrett smiles down at her as she did her pee pee dance. " Sure but I might have to meet stay outside" he says.

 He stop by these old metal swinging doors. She looked back and sneak in. Garrett stood watch with his flashlight. The hallway was dark and musty. A few old lights winging from the ceiling. The bathroom was in worse condition. Dirty. Smelly. Something even the best horror novelist couldn't even make up. She lends over and tries to go. The old metal door starts to open. Creek creek. Jo gets up a little to see what it was. Nothing but a shadow. Unsure what to think she turns around for some toilet paper. Footsteps now . Heavy as a meter. Stomping towards her. She froze her hand press on each side of the stall . The footsteps stop in front of her. Jo mouth open a little to slow her breathing. She couldn’t tell whatever it was.She tried to listen to see if someone else was here. Jo slowly put her feet up close to her and lends towards her legs to her chest. A sharp sounds goes across the door. Jo shivering trying not to scream. Froze. Keep it together just a joke she thought. She tilts her head to the side to peak. It was gone. What or who ever wasn't there. She waited a little to make sure it was gone. She opens the door to peak. Nothing. She gulp and rush out as fast she can. Not even a hair or turtle could catch up to her. As the doors swing open. She landed right in Garrett strong arms for the second time and one day . She held him tight her head dodged into his chest. Only thing that stops her for crying was the warm touch he gave as he rubbed her back.  But it did not stop the fact she was freaked out by what just happened to her. 

" What wrong you ok? " Garrett said still holding her. She said nothing just hold him tight her head on his chest looking down at his sneakers. He looked down at her. Nothing but the head of curls and a silent whimper.  Under her breath she says" something was down there with me". He looks up at the door. " We have a lot of rats was what scared you. It's alright shi-" he start to say. 

" No a person. A shadow was there. Watching me. I want to go home now" she said still holding him. Using his shirt as a tissue as her tears roll off her face. He shocked his head pissed. 

" That bitch ass jerk" he says quietly to himself. 

" I bet Fred did this. Does not know when to stop come on let's find him" he says grabbing at her small wrist. 

They were all laughing smoking a joint. " You're freaking dead. Now Fred" Garrett says rushing right to Fred forgetting he was still holding Jo wrist. Fred turns at Garrett and Jo then back at everyone else. " What the fuck you talking about" he says laughing at him. Garrett was mad. He glances at Jo who was giving him Bambi eyes then at him. " That real cool. You scared her half to death. She literally came out to me screaming like she saw the fucking devil. Look at her" he says shaking Jo. Jo for the first time look up out of her daze. Fred blows out big poof of smoke at Garrett and Jo. " Really like. Bro you sniffing to many things of white out again . That never happened. Whatever that  baby got scared of must of been her own shadow. I was with Farrah checking out the joint. Cora was here with Lex sleeping off the liquor" he says licking his top lip. 

Jo looks at Cora who face look puzzled. As if he not saying something. Farrah was standing by Lex fighting something she wanted to say. Jo tug at Garrett shirt. She leaned in close to him on her tippy toes. " Garrett it's fine. Can we just chill it" she said to him then glanced at Farrah and Fred. Garrett still mad makes a mad face then turn to apologize to Fred. Fred piss off walk away with no other than Farrah behind him. Cora upset shakes her head and mouth the words  you slut. Hope you choke on a stick. Garrett looks at Jo then walks towards the others with his head down. Cora was now screaming at the top of lungs at Fred.Garrett rushes up to Fred and tries to calm him down as if the last five minutes never happened. Jo looks at Cora storming pass her. Cora was sitting on cashier filing her nails. 

" You ok. Cora" Jo said sincerely . Cora looks at her then raises her eyebrow up.

" I'm not stupid. I know that bottom eater is doing. I'm popular duh. But I have my limit. Doing it and being so obvious in front of people. That does it. Twice a day" she says to a puzzled face Jo " I know what you saw today. Damn thing went around faster than a twit. No one thing. May you my witness. Who ever does Cora wrong gets put on the freaking list" she said still filing her nails. Jo look at her then back at Fred. " If you knew why then be with him. There much more guys heck captions then him" she said looking at her. Cora looks at her and then walk away.

 Garrett walk right past her to Jo . " Hey Jolie. I need your help. I need to get the key. Thought I had them on me but mines are the wrong ones. Master keys in the office. Door locked everything shut down. Can you stay here. Keep watch. I'm gonna take Lex so nothing happens. He kinda upset" he says looking at Jo. 

She glanced at him then shook her head yes. She watched him leave. Placing her hands up above her head she tries to focus. As she started to walk she remembers something. Earlier the figure she saw. Was it something or just her imagination. She had to figure it out. Garrett won't do that . At least she hope not. She had to figure out was it  and the one in the bathroom is the same.

Looking at the car Jo then rushes to Fred and Farrah talking.

 "Look Freddie. She knows Lex knows why not just be together. We had sex. We make out alot why not" Farrah said trying to touch Fred face. Pushing her hand down he starts to laugh. " Look I’m starting to sober up so let me make this quick because it's kinda sad. You're like an on the street bootleg of a movie. Might think it's a good deal. Because it's cheap and looks like the real deal but always mess up quality and a waste of money. Cheap worthless. Lex told me he only with you because you give it out.Cora a real girl. I have to fight for her. You I smile and give you a second attention and your hook. What? " he says looking at Jo. 

Looking back at Cora then at them. " You should at least have the respect and talk to her. I get it. It's a joke. On me. The noises the playing with me when I was in the bathroom. It's not funny. We are already in trouble so let's just go" Jo says. Fred laughs at her then walks towards Cora. Farrah upset starts to walk off. Jo afraid of anyone leaving by themselves follows her.

 " Wait wait. It's not safe" Jo says running behind her. There was a creepy creak coming from behind but far enough that even if you tried you could hear it. 

" What do you want. Im piss and you're not helping" Farrah says still walking. Jo looks back again. There was the sound again. No one heard it.  " Look I don't know is still part of the prank. But I'm over it. I saw you when I was in the car, when I was using the bathroom. You running away now is letting him win. Now if I can put pass the silly nonsense you guys are doing so can you. You deserve better then a descent 3rd division college player that gonna be either back here working at some depressing job if he smart get a bookie to do all his work or a mid wage in some middle state overweight loser. Either way. He not worth it. You're not perfect but you don't deserve to be treated like horse poop" Jo said. She was upset. She was upset that this was happening she really only wanted to be home with her mom. Safe. Nope  instead she trying to pump up a you can do the high road to the school slut. Farrah came and raise her hand to slap Jo. " It wasn't a joke. On you. You're not worth it. You're seeing things. We was smoking a joint when we first got inside then we.....we..... we found this weird place. In the back.  Fill of old meat and big ass fucking knifes. Some straight A fucking shit. He wants to do it but I couldn’t. So after we play around broke something crap and left" she stopped and started to walk back towards the group. She stops " Thanks. You're actually cool. Cora was wrong" still walking. There was the noise again. The never ending feelings someone calling for you but know no ones behind you. Then that's when it happened. All at once. 

They were taken.  

[dravensnight]

i like all those questions so do em all ???

awh thanks babe. im gonna do most of them and then just not do the ones i dont wanna do lol

billie jean: what do you notice more in a song - the drums or bassline?

guitar lol

sweet dreams (are made of this): what’s the best dream you’ve had?

idk?? i dont remember a lot of them. i usually like warm, soft ones where i remember the presence of my so and not much else

africa: favourite 80s music video?

inxs never tear you apart or billy idol white wedding (sry not sry babe)

every breath you take: who’s the first person your mind goes to when you hear a love song?

my sweet and handsome and overall amazing boyfriend

should i stay or should i go: how many languages do you speak?

one and ein bisschen Deutsch

uptown girl: what’s your favourite book trope?

hmm science going too far? is that a trope?

don’t stop believin’: what’s the longest journey you’ve been on?

physically, virginia to georgia.

i wanna dance with somebody (who loves me): who was the last person you danced with?

my babyyyy (together it was lovesong and very intimate i was smitten and happy)

maneater: where did you spend your last friday night?

in my bed, sick and miserable

jessie’s girl: what would you do if you found out your best friend was seeing your ex?

lmaao uhh?? idk ask wtf happened i guess thatd be really weird and unlikely

born in the u.s.a.: what’s your home town like?

small & rural with nothing to do but drive 30 mins to go shopping/eat out

wake me up before you go-go: how did your last date go?

not sure what to consider my last date?? i guess it would be the vmfa and lunch and cupcakes after and i really enjoyed it even tho i was getting sick

girls just want to have fun: relationship with your parents?

i love my mom but we got our issues

beat it: opinions on the police force?

???? theyre good and bad and necessary imo i guess.

never gonna give you up: how old were you when you joined the internet?

8 i guess idk i dont remember my childhood lol

material girl: are you sentimental?

oh yee

walk this way: what was the most expensive thing you bought in the last six months?

gas lol

you shook me all night long: are you seeing anyone at the moment?

yes!!!! im very much in love w @in-fear-of-rot

thriller: favourite film genre and why?

cult classics, i guess? if thats a genre. or vampires, if thats a genre. idk i dont watch a lot of films, i just watch like the same fave ten

i want candy: chocolate or sweets?

both??? depends on what im craving i guess

ghostbusters: how far do you believe in the paranormal?

hmmm not far i dont think. i believe each person believes what they believe and it exists for them, if that makes sense.

hungry like the wolf: what’s your crush’s favourite music genre?

hooooooooo boy uhhhhhhhhhhh could change at any given second, even during a song??? all the waves (cold,dark,new i think)

walk like an egyptian: favourite song currently in the charts?

is love by kendrick lamar still in the charts??? idek. this is america is pretty relevant.

(i’ve had) the time of my life: if you could relive any ten minutes of your life, what would you relive?

probs a miw concert at its most intense

just can’t get enough: what’s your guilty pleasure?

!!!! right now vegan videos on youtube and julien solomita’s vlogs. cant stop watching either.

i’m gonna be (500 miles): how far apart do you and your best friend live?

like 30 mins now

you spin me round (like a record): favourite modern cover of an older song?

dead mans party - a thorn for every heart

living on a prayer: which was the song of your childhood?

here comes the sun by the beatles

sweet child o’ mine: describe your perfect first date.

idk something simple or nerdy i guess?? it usually doesnt matter ive found, if i enjoy the person, ill enjoy whatever we’re doing

eye of the tiger: favourite 80s movie?

the breakfast club, footloose, the lost boys

under pressure: give an example of a world event that occurred the year you were born.

columbine (the fact that it happened the year i was born was actually very upsetting to me when studying it - and i mean studying it, in school, not fucking fanning over it)

with or without you: what would you value most: a relationship or a job?

a relationship overall i guess?? idk kinda hard to compare but my relationship gives me steady happiness and a job isnt Really a necessity for me Yet

pour some sugar on me: turn ons?

nails, talking/commands, biting/marks. my bf existing.

in the air tonight: do you enjoy flying?

yee i used to expect for the noise/ear popping

tainted love: thoughts on synthesisers/electronic drum kits/technology based music?

cool i guess? i can have a mood for it

like a virgin: share a controversial opinion.

uhh idk if its controversial but “straight passing” lgbt+ couples still have a place in the community

karma chameleon: what do you like most about your appearance?

my hair, my makeup, or my outfit. depends on the day.

[could-i-be-any-cooler-blog]

A story written from a Tumblr Perspective

Before anyone reads this I would like to point out this story might feel exaggerated or cheesy or just plain stupid, well it was intended, keep that in mind. Thank you. A story written from a Tumblr perspective. U know this trip could have ended differently, it's too late tho, you see I'm falling off a cliff right now because of a rare desease I like to call the IDDLT, short for imaginative death due to loss of tumblr, don't believe me? Well there was this chicken, it could fly and it told me that I was... whatsup with da crazy face? Oh... yes I should probably start from the beginning, it all began with two words and an exclamation mark. No wifi!? Yes honey for the millionth time the secluded valley we are going to will not have wifi! But, but, DAD! Don't worry dear, think of it as a way to open ur mind... to calm ur soul and shakra... ahh don't u just feel it honey, u spend too much time on that Facebook app of yours anyways. MOM!! How dare u insult my tumblr like that!! It's not Facebook!! Oh u kids with ur apps these days, they're both blue? What's the difference!? At this point I just went full silent treatment teenager sulking mode, I wasn't going to talk to anyone, breath for anyone, not even think of anyone except of my precios tumblr. Only I didn't know what kinda seclusion was in store for me... dan dan dan daaaan 5 hours later *spongebob narritve voice Ah so secluded not even the car could come with. It's true, my dad seemed very ok with this, we had to leave the car behind, and then had to walk for an hour, like what's up with that? Nature and walking *shudder. Oh honey this is amazing, it's so yoga! Wait hold up, let's take a minute to just breathe and think about this... inhale* exhale* now the question is, is yoga an adjective!? Society these days. Anything for u sweetie! Now I will spare u detail of what took place in the next 1/2 a second for two reasons 1. No human should have to endure that 2. Because I looked away, but from the sound I heard it was a kiss, a freaking kiss! I know right talk about public indecency. U may be wondering much commentary many wow, but only like this will u understand where I stand... *snicker* did u see dat *snicker* i used stand twice... yea it wasn't that funny... moving on! What my mom had so wonderfully described as yoga, was a small eco house and a chicken coop in the middle of an Alaskan valley, the things ppl build... And I thought to myself... What a shitty wooooorld... Thank you, thank you! Performance by the one and only Chloe garcia, bob on Tumblr for all you Tumblr boys and girls out there, no straight white males tho!! U may be thinking, how the hell did I, wonderful smart bisexual 1/16 Asian girl I, get a tumblr handle like bob, it's so unoriginal it's amazing, let me tell you how. I fought a guy for it, his name was bob... Muahahahaha I do what I do. ;) ... ... I think my minds deteriorating. Like literally. I think I might die. Oooooh I might ride a helicopter to the E.R. Dude! What if, In the middle of the ride, I'd just jump out! I'd be the girl that didn't want to be saved! So poetic, such tumble worthy, many wow. That'd be a good way to go *sighs dreamily*. Wow... I never cease to amaze myself, other people must think I'm the bomb!! Like who wouldnt think th- Chloe!!! Sweetie can you hear me?!?!?! Gosh mom! Are you trying to make me deaf!?!? Well I've been trying to get your attention for the last few minutes. ... Anyways, me and your dad are going to be occupying the house for a lit- HOLD UP! Im getting some weird vibes, Alright so she is smirking at him, and he's got her in an embrace... and they want me out of the house... ... ... ... FUCK this SHIT IM OUT! -tle so we would appreciate if you would explore som- I get it, I get it! you guys should be ashamed u know. Making your daughter come all the way down here just so she has too try and avoid *shuddering with no end* u guys *again shuddering* having *chocking* *cough*. We're only human Chloe. One day you'll understand dear. No! I will never understand! Sex in no way will ever be understandable! I'll be in the chicken coop far far away from you disgusting creatures! *cue the aggressive stomping/ walking to said stinky chicken coop and the agrresive door closing of stinky chicken coop cause I'm a teenager and I'm pissed and I'm allowed to show it* Thud. Boom. Her majesty the queen, are you alright? Whaaaaaaaaa *groan* You hit your head on the way in your highness. And with that the big chicken warrior did a curtsy. So cute. And then the nerdy chicken in the back told me it was the engineers fault completely, he had forgotten to adjust the door size to your highness stature, then proceeded to offer me his deepest apologies and beg that he not become fried chicken. I like fried chicken. Fried chicken is good. I can't have fried chicken. I'm vegan. ... ... ... HOLD UP! (Wow that's the second one today, my life's turning to shit) I stood up so quickly, I almost passed out again, and I may or may not have fallen back down, but not before I made my point! Are you guys chickens or aliens? Your highness, said the cute little nerd chicken with a slight chuckle, we are definitely chickens. But but, ur speaking? Like English? For that there is only one explanation your highness. The Internet. Now let me describe to you the reaction I had too these words 2 words. HALE FUCKING LUJAH! YOU GUYS ARE DA BEST! what's da password tho. Your highness, it's your highness's name. we had it changed as soon as you arrived. C with caps I presume Yes your highness. Kk What's the deal with that btw? With what your highness? With the whole your highness thing and queen stuff, like what's up with that? let me tell you about the prophecy the person that brought us here told us, and with this he came closer and told me the whole story. A long long time ago our king and a few others we're brought here to live and thrive,they were given a computer and wifi and with that they learned. A few weeks later our carrier came back surprised that we had already learned how to speak and write, so he left us a set of instructions to keep us safe from the world that would never understand us, and they were. never to leave the chicken coop so we built underground , respect our fellow chicken, and not everything on the internet is good. And one very very important one. If a girl of my kind ever comes, treat her as if she was queen, for she, surely is. Wow. Cheesy much? That is how your lordship instructed and that is we have followed through. Over the years we have prepared for your arrival and have built and created technologies unknown to man, and all of it, was for you. Again wow. Cheesy much? You are set to receive the highest honor in our community, the purple egg with golden stripes. Cool beans. So where is this egg? In one hour there will be a ceremony in your honor, where you will receive said egg, your highness. Niiice Ever heard of Tumblr? Yes, your highness, it is a despicable addictive opinionated app isn't it, your highness. We have told our young kings to stay away, for it changes oneself. ... *eye twitching* Ok, no, this isn't so. There's a good side to Tumblr. With fear the little chicken trembled and admitted there was certainly a good side too it. Good good. I wish for the ceremony too begin now. I have a point too make. Of course your majesty. Thank you. ... ... ... *a few minutes later* *Trumpets and whatnot* *chicken cheers* Settle down, settle down. We are gathered here today to do what we were raised for, to give our lovely Chloe her rightful place, the royalty egg. Please take this as the key to our efforts and fruits. Thank you, king KFC. By taking the egg, it melted in my hands and made purple feathers and gold flakes show up on my skin. And ultimately I was a chicken. Thank you for receiving this gift Chloe. WTF! U made me a chicken! Dude! Why! There's no bigger honor than being a chicken?!?! What's wrong with you!?!? And with this the whole chicken folk went into distress and started clucking and exploding into fried chicken, I seem to have upset them, pretty soon they were all dead and I was eating chicken, real good, great meat this folk had, I then realized I was a cannibal since technically I was a chicken. After I ate I somehow flapped my wings and started to fly, which was quite cool I guess that's the honor they were talking about, sadly they couldn't see it. Oops. Oh well and then I hit the ceiling. Boom. Thud. Chloe are you ok!?!? My mom screamed at me with blood in her hands, a bit exaggerated in my opinion but oh well, I realized then I was actually quite hurt, back in the chicken coop, and not a chicken. Cool is all I could think. I can't really remember what happened next, but I think I was on the way to the hospital in a helicopter and I remember thinking, i predicted this shit all da way!! I also remembered the other part, the suicidal the sad part of me remembered what I was going to do if this happened, to be honest, I'm quite relieved. So I did it. So on my way down I thought I'd tell you all of this, and explain my desease, we all know it was an excuse. An excuse for not wanting to hear the world anymore or to see it, Tumblr really did ruin it for me. Thank you.

[illfigureitoutasigoalong]

my flea dream lol

My weird dream

I had a “flea” dream last night lol. Once my sister had a dream that she was a flea and killed mufasa?? And woke up and was terrified but like the content of the dream was not scary. I had one last night which right now is a little scary. OMG so it wasn’t a nightmare because it was scary, but it was intense and my heart was beating fast when I woke up. So it started out really weird and the direct result of me watching too many episodes of breaking polygamy. I was on a date with an FLDS looking woman in a restaurant that looked gross and I would never go there in real life. What’s weird is that I’ve had dreams in this restaurant before? Anyway I was wearing an amazing cute outfit with a blazer at this date and my weird amish looking date looked…. Amish. And the waiter took her order and then looked to me and goes “are you a man or a boy?” And I was immediately offended hahaha I was just like “what??” And the waiter was like “suit jackets are for men.” I immediately left the restaurant and there was no other sight of my weird date. I got in my car (which was my old gold Honda RIP) and who is inside??? MY EX GIRLFRIEND. That’s when this turned into a nightmare tbh. My least favorite version of her was her when we were in the car and she was driving. In my dream though we were not dating we were just friends after dating. But she was acting weird and possessive and stuff like we were still together. She drove us around being literally the most annoying version of herself. She spilled coffee, got us lost, was extra Vegan, and just generally very annoying. She like had this “I know I’m right attitude” that I used to hate or more like “I don’t care if I’m wrong” attitude. Terrible. As we were driving to my dream house I just got more and more miserable.

THEN the number one reason we broke up, she invited herself to a family party that was being thrown at my house. (Also weird thing about my house in this dream is that it was in the field that used to be there before they built a Walmart on winterpok rd. Also all the women in my family were lined up with red Pizza Hut uniforms and name tags and everyone had a fluffy twist out like they had blowdried their hair??? (Probably another side effect of me watching too much breaking polygamy lmao because they all wear their hair the same on there. I remember members of my family there but also members from the country church we used to go to like 15 years ago. Honestly who even knows why they were also there. I was immediately excited to see all of them and forgot to be annoyed at S. I remember singing “10-20-40” to them as I walked by. Literally so weird.)

SO. As we were driving S had stopped at Pizza Hut which was on the corner in the dream and my dream solution was to run home before she could find me, and get into my weird house before she saw me so that one of my family members would intercept her. It semi worked? I snuck into the basement locker room of my house to (take a shower I guess) and I hear her coming in the alternate entrance. (Random memory about this dream, she was dressed like jojo siwa. Which is odd but its also totally how she would have dressed in like, high school. Literally why did I date this woman) And I see her legs under like a weird stall door that leads to the basement locker room and we start having a screaming match about her even being in my house which is when I woke up with my heart beating fast. I’m trying to even remember what I said but I remember a few parts?

S: “I can’t believe you didn’t wait for me!” (I guess to come into my house? What’s weird about this argument is that I felt the same guilty sense of dread that I used to feel when I didn’t feel like hanging out with her. Cool. Love that for me)

Me: “I had a very not good day, which I know isn’t an excuse.” So eloquent of me. Brilliant grammar. I was referring to being called a man on my weird date, for some reason in my dream this really distressed me.

S: “That’s not an excuse!” (She had cut me off as I was saying the last part)

Me: “I JUST said it’s not an excuse and I’m fucking trying to apologize and you won’t let me!”

And that’s when I woke up. I wish I had stayed asleep longer because I was about to yell at her for 1. We aren’t dating anymore and she was no longer entitled to my time and 2. That she was always inviting herself into places that she just didn’t belong or didn’t fit. This would have gotten ugly so you know it’s probably for the best but still. lol.

So what do I do? I get up and read her reddit posts to make sure she’s still completely unrelateable and surprise surprise she is. So I am making it a vow to stop doing that because all it really does is just make me even more flabbergasted about why I even dated her for so long or even dated her at all. I know deep down that my reasoning was “eh, why not? I need girlfriend experience.” Instead of “wow I am actually interested in this person.” So yep. Never doing that again. And I know it’s terrible but I really want to date someone in my race next time. It’s just easier.

Also I have been thinking about downloading a dating app but I only want friends. I don’t feel like dating anyone right now and also I feel like in order to have a good time in a relationship I need to lose like 150 pounds. Anyway I typed this on my work laptop and I hope if someone reads this later they get a big kick out of it. Hahahah

Also! I text MB all day every day because I think we are both lonely. Yesterday on FT she said “I wish you were a man then we could date.” This really freaked me out. At first (like months ago) my brain was like “oh shit are we about to get a crush” but thank GOD I only feel friendship feelings for her. She’s just really young and very white and sometimes those things are glaringly obvious. It just freaked me out because it made me think like “oh should we be dating???” but the ultimate answer is no. not to mention a week or so ago we had a discussion where she thought i was always mad at her for being racist. But i have to call her out sometimes on the ignorant shit she says. Like ordinarily i would just let people get away with it but if we are gonna be as close of friends as we already are then you gotta know when you mess up. Sorry. But you do.

I was able to get a nintendo switch!! I am having a great time. I just wish my sister was able to get one too. I feel like I can’t be properly excited because she’s really bummed about not being able to get one. I am checking the site over and over again to see if I can get one for her. Also she’s bummed about her job role transitioning for the lend position. I would also be very upset but at the same time she should be just a little grateful for still having a job at this point. I would never say that though. And also i’m not in her shoes so I can’t really judge. I would be PISSED if I climbed my way up the ladder just to be stuck doing what I view as “non-degree work.”

This is terrible but finally the tables have turned in my favor? Hear me out ok. For years I’ve struggled with my health and my job. I was diagnosed with diabetes and high BP when I was 19. I graduated without a job, and worked 5 shitty and semi-shitty jobs for the past 5 years. Finally I have a job that I love (hopefully that lasts) that pays me decently, and I can afford my meds on my new insurance, I stay hydrated which makes me feel better and I’ve gotten really used to listening to my body. I also have accepted my health problems and I am really good at keeping a level head about things. Now though, all of the stuff I already went through and I am dealing with accordingly are happening to my sister and she is miserable. She had a shitty job change (it’s only temporary, but she is WALLOWING in it.) and was diagnosed with asthma. The inhaler gives her heart palpitations and she completely freaks out over them. I’m really not trying to be rude but at least you know they are a side effect and her heart isn’t just going crazy for no reason. But she has been in a terrible mood for weeks and every time she takes her inhaler she has like, an episode. First of all, my mom would have never let me get away with this behavior for so long because I’ve always been kind of sullen and panicky. But also I think sometimes my sister just really needs to grow up. Shitty things happen to everyone and you kind of just have to keep going forward.

AND speaking of growing up, we are trying to look at apartments in the same complex because I feel like honestly she will forget about me if we don’t live within walking distance of each other. I don’t know how much she gets paid but it can’t be much more than me. She’s looking at places with one bedroom that are like $1,500 a month.... like that’s the base rent price. She’s not even counting the security deposit and utilities. I tried to explain it to her and she’s like “I’m pretty sure all apartments cost this much around here.” I’m so sorry but no. They don’t. I’m not paying almost 2 grand a month to live where we do. That’s crazy to me. I found a place I like but she doesn’t seem to like it. I may just have to move there and just be sad for a while when she forgets to hang out with me.

Last thing I guess (since I should be working) I want to write a lesbian romance novel! I am in a bit of a book slump so why not write one of my own. Wouldn’t that be amazing if it could be published??? I have no idea how to write a book so honestly it’s a pipe dream but I was really good at writing fanfiction! It’s gotta be similar right?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #262

WoW will probably start to take over my life again tomorrow oof so expect surveys to slow down some.

What do you wish people wouldn't call you? The only one I don't really like is Girt calling me "kid." He doesn't mean it in a derogatory way or anything like that; he's just always called me that since I was a high school freshman and he was a senior. Now as an adult that's been through things I don't believe anyone deserves, it's kinda weird but more so frustrating as, regardless of his intentions, I somewhat feel belittled. I've never said anything directly about my discomfort, though, so it's my own fault. I just don't want to make him feel bad for doing it for years lmao. What do people say about your name upon learning it for the first time? They don't say anything; my name is very ordinary. Why did you choose the hair length you have? I have a few reasons. The biggest is because I was just bored of average, long hair, and the fact I was at the time having a very hard time with self-care. My hair would get incredibly knotted to where it was hard to even brush it sometimes. Makes me shiver thinking back on it. For my own sanity and ease, it needed to be gone. Also, with how STUPID hot I get, cutting it all off helped with the weight of my hair (it's v thick) but more importantly how hot it made me it the warm months. Zero regrets chopping it all off, omg. If your hair could be ANY color, what would you pick? At this very moment, I really want silver hair. Do you wish your hair was longer or shorter than it is now? It needs a trim. Do you think you're attractive? (It's okay to say yes =P) No; I think I wouldn't look ALL to bad if I lost some more weight (I've literally been on a weight loss plateau for two fuckin years). When I was perfectly healthy, I didn't think I was very pretty even back then, but now that I look back, I feel I was decently pretty. Not gorgeous, but. What is your favorite band? Ozzy Osbourne. :') What is your favorite movie? The Lion King. The second one is like directly behind it. Finding Nemo is also very precious to me. What is your favorite book or magazine? The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton and Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. What is your favorite song? Ugh, this is impossible. I love way way too many. I suppose maybe... "Death Inc." by Motionless In White? Idk. What is your favorite color to wear? Black, duh. If you could visit anywhere in the world, where would you go and why? South Africa because I want to spend time with and take pictures at the Kalahari Meerkat Project and especially pet a Whiskers meerkat. I WILL cry. Meerkats literally changed my life. So many people I wouldn't know... If you got the chance and wouldn't get caught, would you cheat on a lover? NOOOOO the guilt though. Someone drops a fifty dollar bill and doesn't notice. Will you tell them? Definitely. I'd feel awful otherwise. Would you ever pierce something on your face? I already have my lip and tongue pierced, and I did have my nostril pierced, too. I want more, particularly an undereye microdermal if I can switch to contacts... which I don't like. I think it'd look pretty dumb with glasses. Are you selfish? EVERYONE should be to a degree depending on the occasion. Doing what is best for you is not a bad thing. Are you mean to people who are different from you? Wow no. I find people "different" from me interesting. Do you make fun of obese people? By the BMI definition, I am one of those people. So take a guess? Do you eat when you're upset? I have to fight that extremely hard, because I usually do experience the impulse to comfort eat when I'm very depressed. I've gotten way better at it, though. What if you had to choose between feeding yourself or feeding your pets? I honestly don't know for sure what I'd do... but I think I would prioritize my pets, honestly. It would break me to watch them suffer and lose weight. What if you saw someone being beaten on the street? YOOOO I READ THIS AS "EATEN" FIRST. But anyway I'd call the cops ASAP. There's a possibility I'd intervene if I felt myself capable of taking on the assailant. What if it was you being beaten? According to the night terrors I've had beyond count, curse like a motherfucker and fight back while calling for help. Who's the most important person to you (related)? Mom. Who's the most important person to you (non-related)? Sara. What's more important to you, happiness or success? Happiness. What's more important to you, your happiness or someone else's? Depends on the person. List the ten most important things to you: Oh, yikes. No order: 1.) My peace of mind, health, and happiness; 2.) my family; 3.) my pets; 4.) my career future; 5.) my friends; 6.) a YouTuber I've never met lmao; 7.) my pebble from my partial hospitalization program; 8.) Teddy's ashes; 9.) the Mark mug Sara gave me sobs; 10.) and the RP site I'm on. Like if it disappeared tomorrow with all the profiles and history and stuff I would break the earth in half oof. Have you ever lived in a mobile home? No. Have you ever had your bedroom in a basement? No. How many times in the past week have you eaten fast food? Hm. I don't think once. In the house - shoes, socks, slippers or bare feet? Bare feet.\ Do you consider dogs inside or outside pets? Usually indoor, depending on the breed and the time of year. What’s your favourite piece of furniture in your house? ig my bed? Have you ever had a crush on a friend’s parent? Yikes no. Do you prefer carbonated or uncarbonated drinks? Sucker for carbonated over here. Favorite thing that you can see up in the sky? A full moon. Would you rather eat at the table or in your room? I'm so used to eating in my room. Do you like the sound of birds singing when you wake up, or is it annoying? I love it. If someone gave you a kitten, would you keep it? I'd love to, but it'd really be my mom's choice. What’s your ideal activity for a rainy day? Nap oh lawd. Favorite type of cracker? Cheez-Its. Banana sandwich... yum or yuck? Only yum with peanut butter. Animal you like to watch but sort of creeps you out: Spiders. Bagels or English Muffins? Bagels. Do you like to daydream about sex? I do it sometimes. Which of your parents do you laugh more with? My dad is really funny. Have you ever been to an open casket wake or funeral? Wake, yes. Who mows the lawn at your house? A family friend. Have you ever written a story from beginning to end? When I was little and was writing that meerkat story, yes. I started on the sequel but didn't get far. What’s a big turn on for you? Being genuinely interested in what makes me me. Actually wanting to know the littlest things about me. Just show sincere interest. Are you doing anything tomorrow? I do know I'm fuckin finally getting my laptop home. Does your car have a name? N/A Do you own clothes from any celebrity clothing lines? No, but a bitch is getting a Cloak shirt or hoodie at some point. Who was the last person you ranted about? My bitch of a cousin for being a disrespectful fuck when all my dying grandmother wants is to talk as a group with the whole family. I ranted to Mom though, not in the group chat because I'm actually mature enough to not talk shit when, again, all our grandma wants is peace and love between us at the end of her life. I was SEETHING. Know any magic tricks? I don't remember any. I LOOOOOVED those magic kits as a kid, though. Is there music in your head right now? Right now "Dirty Pretty" by In This Moment is on, so does that count as "in my head?" Would you like to become a dancer? It'd be very cool, most certainly, and due to taking dance classes so long, I tend to think of potential dances in my head when I hear like... any song, lol. I'd love to be one if I had the grace and endurance + no hyperhydrosis. Name one person of the same sex as you you wouldn't mind doing: Hunny I'm bisexual, there's a lot, lmao. Dream woman? Uhhhh. Maybe my friend Alon. She was like one of my first hints I wasn't straight, lmao. But idk, I find soooo many women to be attractive. What is the most gory film you've seen? One of the Saw movies. What a surprise, ik. Ever fallen down a hole? ZOINKS no. Do you work better in a clean or messy environment? Clean, durr. Do you know any vegans? Only online. Do you like bananas? I am VERY picky with bananas. They have to be perfect. My preferred ripeness lasts only like, two days. .-. What's a film you've seen that confused you? Oh boy, idk. I don't watch many films... especially if I'm confused and the plot isn't great, I'll stop watching. WAIT!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! I went to see Warcraft when it came out and I was so fuckin lost just because the orcs' voices are so goddamn deep that I just sat there like "uhhhh sir come again????" I didn't play Classic, and I'm not great at remembering every aspect of the plot, so. I'm to this day p confused lmao. Do you ever wear black lipstick? I really only ever wear black. What is next to your bed? I have a white shelf to my left where I put my meds, a drink, the fan... that kind of stuff. My cat's food bowl is to the right of it on the floor. Are your fingernails dirty? Nope. Have you ever fell for someone believing you could "fix" them? Not for that reason, no. Describe a picture of yourself that you hate: LASKJDLKFJAOWJE my friend took a picture of me eating a hot dog once and joked she was putting that shit on Facebook and it was funny as shit but thank Christ she was in fact joking. Would you rather play a good or an evil character in a play? While I'd love to be the evil one, I'd probably make it too cheesy because I am a BAD actress. Has anybody ever lied to you just to impress you? Story of one of my "best" friendships. What's your favourite shade of blue? Baby blue, probs. Can you remember a world before iPods? I do indeed. On rides to school when I sat in the back, I would bring one of those portable CD players with me to play discs. Where did you go on your last date? I can't remember the place's name... Lume's? Something like that? Breakfast place in Illinois. Do people find you "cute"? It happens sometimes. Who does the best remixes? Oh idk, I don't pay much attention to this. Where do you get your news? Facebook, lmao. What social stigma does society need to get over? What DOESN'T it need to get over???? What was the last photo you took? Probably something funny on Facebook to send to Sara lmao. I will get memes to her some way. What mythical creature do you wish actually existed? As badly as I want to say dragons, I don't think it'd be a great idea, heh... Maybe dryads. What are you interested in that most people aren't? As of recently, TARANTULAS. I've fallen in LOVE with them. What's the most ridiculous thing you have bought? No clue. What sounds hit you with major nostalgia every time you hear them? The gem collecting sound from Spyro. It was my text ringtone on my last phone! I need to move it over to my current one. What was the biggest realization you have had about yourself? I was possibly the bigger villain than Jason in the breakup. But idk. What topic could you spend forever talking about? Gay rights. Which way should toilet paper hang, over or under? In the original patent, it was designed as going over. GMM knowledge. Therefore I find over as correct, BUT I ultimately don't care like... at all. I don't even really notice when I go in the bathroom. Are you usually early or late? Usually slightly early. What do you wish you knew more about? Politics so I could be a more helpful member of society alksdjfka;lw What is the most annoying question you've been asked? It's not really like, annoying I guess, but the closest would be just how frequently people see my lip ring and ask if it hurt. It's incredibly sensitive skin, and even if it wasn't, a needle went all the way through it. Like... guess. News flash: being stabbed hurts, lmao. Like I always explain that it's not awful, but duh, there is pain. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? Yummm chocolate. What was the worst phase in your life? 2020 thinks it's a bad guy, but lemme tell ya, shit's got nothing on 2016. Do you like sprinkles on your ice cream? I hate sprinkles on anything. Just an annoying texture with negligible flavor. The last time you went out to eat - what did you order? It was just a milkshake. Do you have all 32 teeth? I'm missing two wisdom teeth that just never grew in. Do you know how to do the moon walk? Never tried. What is one of your favorite comedy movies? White Chicks. Has anybody ever told you that you have a good singing voice? Yeah. I don't think I do. Onion rings or french fries? Fries. Not an onion ring fan. Who is the best cook that you know? Sara's mom is great, omgggg. She's cooked things I generally don't like yet I wound up enjoying. Can you name 3 different dinosaurs? Let's see: Spinosaurus, stegosaurus, velociraptor. I was a dino kid, man, just gettin' started. *finger guns* What's the largest amount that you can juggle at one time? I can’t juggle. What was your favorite thing to go on at the playground as a kid? I'd daaaash for the swingset. Do you know how much you weighed at birth? How much? Ummm I think 6-something pounds? 7? Where do you spend most of your time at? At home. In my bed. Exciting stuff, y'know. What noise does your favorite animal make? If my memory serves me right, they have over 40 vocalizations, but I'd say barking and chirping are the most ordinary/basic. Have you ever fallen in the toilet when you were little? lol I don't think so. What is the best kind of mac & cheese? I'm a basic-ass Velveeta bitch lmao. Who is your favorite oldies band? Boy oh BOY, you're asking a classic rock/metal addict. Of course it's Ozzy tho. But I love soooo many!! What is your favorite farm animal? Pigs! Do you like to play Monopoly? I'm not a big fan, no. What is the most fun restaurant you have ever been to? I like the vibe of Buffalo Wild Wings. Or I just have good memories there. What size bra do you wear? I'm actually not sure. I haven't bought new ones in a while and I don't think the ones I currently have are the right size anyway. Do you have a ceiling fan in your room? No. Who was your favorite Sesame Street character? I don't remember too well, but I think Cookie Monster? What about Muppet? Idr. What was going through your mind during the presidential campaign? I am sadly paying no attention. What do you think of the Duggar family ( 17+ kids )? Could you handle taking care of that many children? Ew, hell no. I don't believe the number of children warranted in a family should be legally monitored, it's much more difficult than that, BUT RATHER I'm very firm about knowing when it's more than enough. Population control is a thing. NOBODY needs that many kids imo, not even close to that. So far, what is the number one, best decision you have ever made? How has it affected your life? Letting go of Jason/accepting life without him. It has made my life much, much brighter and healthier. Have you reunited with any old friends recently? Was it awkward, or just like old times? No. When was the last time you talked to your first ex? February of 2017. Wow... been a long time. How different is your online personality from your offline personality? I am MUCH more outgoing and talkative online. What are your favorite holiday-themed movies? Jim Carrey's How The Grinch Stole Christmas, Hocus Pocus, The Nightmare Before Christmas, etc... Do you listen to Christmas/winter-themed music when the season comes around? No. Is there anything that you do that’s potentially controversial? Yes. What is your most recent obsession? Most recent, whew, tarantulas. I'm really gonna try talking Mom into letting me get one when/if we move. Do you say “merry Christmas” or “happy holidays”? To you, does it really matter which one is said/you say? Do you do your best to remain politically correct? Instinctually, I say "merry Christmas;" that's what has always been said around me. I personally see zero problem in calling it whatever... Like just appreciate someone wishing you well. You get the concept, and that's all you really need imo. As for political correctness, I'm kinda... down the middle? Like I feel it's been taken way, way too far, but I see some caution in wording as wise. If you could relive one week of your life, which would it be, and why? Would you do anything differently, or keep it all the same? Ugh, my first visit at Sara's. I just loved it so, so much. I think I wouldn't change a thing. It felt perfect. Is there a part of your life you wish you could remember, but can’t? Sometimes when I take these surveys and they ask "how old were you when...", ha ha. Frustrates me. What was the last thing/event to trigger a painful memory? It was last night, actually. The Final Fantasy VII remake is out, and I started watching a YouTuber I like play it. Jason got me to play the original, playing it a lot when we spent time together, but I only got a bit beyond half-way through before my PS3 broke. Cherished memories, so it was decently triggering indeed. I loved the game though and ABSOLUTELY want to see it played out in its entirety, so I shoved past the pain and am glad I did. Now I'm anxiously awaiting the next video aljkdsjfawe Y'ALL I wanna play more FF. What do you think of people that choose not to vote? I can't say anything, seeing as I never have voted before... Are you keeping anything from the people you love? Nothing important, no. Have you ever written a suicide note, whether joking or not? Yes, and that stupid novel is one of my biggest regrets. Who the FUCK would joke about that, though. When was the last time you let something ‘go to your head’? Not even like an hour ago. This happens allllll the time. When are you most likely to show off? Maaan Guitar Hero used to be good for that shit, ha ha. I was an expert at that back in its day. I haven't played it in forever, and on the rare occasion I do, I am suuuper rusty. Which would you prefer: spectacular view of the ocean, or of the mountains? MOUNTAINS!!!!!! Do you follow any dating rules/play any dating games? No. When was the last time you felt extremely confident about something? ME????????? CONFIDENT???????????? WHAT A CONCEPT!!!!!!!!!! When was the last time you blew the seeds off of a dandelion? Wow, not a clue. Probably not since we lived at my old house and I would go on walks down the path. What was the last thing that happened that you couldn’t explain? Oh I dunno. What do you do with all of your spare change? I just keep it in my wallet. Where did you hear about your all-time favorite band? He was and still is one of my mom's favorites! How many cans of soda do you drink in a day? AHHHHHH soda is my biggest nutritional weakness. I refuse to let myself drink more than one a day now though. It's funny and disgusting, when I was HEALTHY AND SKINNY I could on a rare occasion start a fourth can in a single day. Nowadays the thought almost makes me shiver. What is the oldest thing that you own? and the newest? The oldest thing, ummm. Not sure. Probably a stuffed animal in the attic. I just got two new books today! Is there anything you wish you had never found out about? Yep. A number of things. What is something that you refuse to believe in? Astrology. What is something you wish more people believed in? Gay rights. What food is your ultimate comfort food? Ice cream. Have you ever put anything inside a time capsule? What? OMGGGG I remember doing this in elementary school as a class! I don't recall what was in it, though. Is there too much violence on tv, or are people to sensitive? Too sensitive, but also negligent. It's got a lot to do with raising, imo. Don't show kids wild shit at too young of an age, and when they are shown this kind of stuff, you make it obvious that the behavior/content is unacceptable irl. Entertainment is not responsible for someone's shitty actions made with their own volition. What is something you used to fear, but no longer do? My first huge fear was thunderstorms. Now I enjoy them lol. Do you think it’s important to know a 2nd language? Not mandatory, no. Especially depends on if you're going anywhere. Do you know anyone that’s just naturally good at almost everything? My old friend Hannia IMMEDIATELY came to mind. She was the best in class GPA-wise, first chair for flute in band, and just in general STUPID talented. Do you know anyone that’s just bad at everything? BITCH ME What is one emoticon you use often? A sarcastic :^) or <3 What is one emoticon you almost never use? A lot, particularly ones with equal signs for eyes.