#it was 'The universe doesn't care about you but I do. I care so much'

[klxudykai]

the ugly part of reality shifting

as great as shifting is, its really fucking draining. like REALLY draining. its nice that people want to show the fun and positive side of shifting and all, but once new shifters (specifically) hit the stage where they're drained and extremely demotivated, they aren't going to know how to deal with these new overwhelming emotions. reality shifting takes a toll on our mental health even if we don't like to admit it. this may not apply to everything, but I know it applies to the majority.

ive been shifting since 2021 (if you saw my post Abt me starting shifting in 2019 that was wrong lmfao mb yall-). and I still haven't shifted. I used to think I'd shift within 4 years but surprise surprise. I haven't. I'm drained and demotivated. I don't completely believe I wont ever shift, but I don't think I can get what I want by manifesting or affirming or doing any of that. I think the universe will just randomly hand it to me. it sounds dumb but that's the weird luck I have. when I don't expect it, I get what I want. but when I try hard and I expect it, nothing happens or I get smth worse. i don't think that even when I put blood,sweat, and tears into this that I'll shift. I've discovered so much shit about myself yet I am still here with no experience of what its like in another reality let alone my dr. never saw my dr once. only in my dreams and my imagination.

im going to be completely honest when I say that shifting is not for the weak. I'm not saying this to get you to quit because shifting is one of the best things that I found. I just want you to know that its not always going to be perfect. you might feel desperate, you might feel homesick, you might feel exhausted mentally. and sometimes you'll make progress but then find another obstacle. quite frankly, fuck the obstacles because that's not the issue. its how you deal with them that really determine how your growth goes. and no I'm not saying it controls if you'll shift or not because it doesn't. but if you're a person that gives up easily, its going to be hard to overcome those blockages. I say that because I myself give up easily. which is ironic because I don't give up when it comes to certain goals I want to accomplish (one of those goals being shifting), but I refuse to get rid of those so called "blockages" and avoid them even though I know what's the problem. I avoid them because I don't know how to fix them and I just have this fear that's telling me I'll fail.

this post probably doesn't make a lot of sense but that's because I'm writing this in the heat of the moment so I'm not doing a lot of thinking, I'm just typing. what I'm saying is don't be that person that avoids the problems. be transparent with yourself because I'm telling you, the more you avoid it, the more drained youre going to become. it might turn into an endless loop where you think about your Dr daily but you have zero energy to shift. and it fucking sucks.

overall, please take breaks whether they're mental or shifting breaks, if you feel like there is an issue with yourself, fix it. this is a hard journey but it will be a lot easier once you're honest and overcome problems that need to be solved.

(disclaimer that this may not apply to everyone, just the people who are going through a rough patch in their journey. this is mainly just my perspective and what I've heard from a friend of mine since our issues seemed pretty similar. and if anyone needs someone to talk to, my DMS are open. I want my blog to be a safe space and that this is a place where not everything is perfect. I love y'all and please take care and don't stress yourselves <33)

also, fuck that toxic positivity shit that just makes mfs more drained. if you feel demotivated address it don't push it away

[archie-sunshine]

So, What Now?(Rehabili/Cohabi-tation)

Chapter 9: In Which Whirl is Easy to Forgive

FIC TAGS: Eventual Whirl/Cyclonus/Tailgate, Cyclonus/Tailgate, polyamory, slowburn romance, mutual pining, slice of life, fluff, comedy, eventual smut(planned for later chapters), sappy mushy lovey stuff, polycue, May eventually have illustrations

The Lost Light has a brand new universe to explore! But everyone's still tired from the old one! In the interim between wacky hijinks, a solution is offered to those bored to death by peacetime- Why form a club about it or renovate your hab suite of course!

Whirl doesn't know how he feels about all the pep. And even worse, he doesn't know how to feel about Cyclonus and Tailgate wanting him to join in on their clean slate. 

Other Chapters Here!

Read on AO3 Here!

_________________________

Author's notes: HEYYYYY SO ITS BEEN A THOUSAND YEARS. anyway here go ahead just take it!!

Chapter tags: tailgate continues to have super strength because it rules and i said so, bar fighting for funsies, reconciliation, drunkenness, alcohol/engex usage

Whirl wasn’t a coward. He couldn’t be, not after spending so much of his life as a fighter and a soldier. He was brave, often to a self destructive degree, he couldn’t even REMEMBER the last time he’d really been afraid of anything at all. 

He wasn’t hiding in his old hab suite. He wasn’t doing that even a little bit. He’d just happened to find his way there after being discharged and well! The old place was so nostalgic, he couldn’t help but spend a few cycles there. 

A few… maddening cycles. 

Whirl left his hab suite after 4 days of solitude, stalking through the hallways blearily. He didn’t particularly care where he went, only that it was away from where he was.

It was just luck that he found himself on their doorstep again. He knocked at it quietly, again, hoping he had any way out, that they weren’t present, that they wouldn’t be there. 

The door slid open and Tailgate cocked his head in surprise. “Whirl!! Hey!” 

“Hey, TG-” Whirl started, groping around in his processor for a reason to drop by and not finding anything. “Uhm… can I come in?” He asked. He kicked himself internally. He must have looked like a pleading idiot, begging to be let back after what he’d said. 

Tailgate nodded, shifting out of the way to let Whirl step inside. Whirl glanced around for a moment, to which Tailgate reset his vocalizer and said, “Cyclonus isn’t here, sorry. Were you looking for him?” 

“Whuh- Oh, no, I just… You two are kinda… attached at the hip.” Whirl winced internally again. He was already bewildered by the fact that Tailgate had even let him in, he had to keep himself together and stop being rude. “Sorry.” He mumbled

Tailgate chuckled, wandering into their sitting area and climbing up onto the couch. “It’s ok! Cyclonus wanted to go to a poetry reading, I wanted to have a night in.” He shrugged. 

“I see…” Whirl kicked his pedes awkwardly. He fought for what to say, anxiously clacking his digits together and setting and resetting his vocalizer over and over. 

“Have a seat.” Tailgate offered, patting the sofa next to him. Whirl sat beside him stiltedly, folding his servos in his lap. He shuffled a few inches away from him, keeping a safe amount of distance. 

There was a long, uncomfortable silence between them. Whirl’s processor kept spiraling, his mind swimming with discordant thoughts and filling with static. He was surprised there wasn’t smoke pouring out of his audials with how his processor felt. 

Whirl was about to speak when Tailgate beat him to it. 

“Do you-” He started, finally making optic contact with him. “Do you wanna go to Swerve’s?” 

Whirl cycled his optic, cocking his head. “... I thought you wanted to have a night in?” 

Tailgate shrugged again. “Changed my mind!” 

Whirl smiled, his optic scrunching playfully. “Yeah, we can go to Swerve’s.” 

*

It was easier to ignore everything that was going unsaid after a few cubes of engex. Whirl could feel the floor shuddering with the pulse of the music beneath his pedes. He let himself get lost in the pumping beat and the sea of chattering noise for a moment, before he was knocked out of his reverie by the sound of Tailgate slamming his cube down on the table.

“I’d like another- oh my straw!” Tailgate cut himself off, reaching across the table as far as his arm could reach and grasping at his curly straw. Rung, who had taken up his usual position as the impromptu designated driver, pushed it into his digits with a stifled chuckle. He reset his vocalizer with a far too adorable hiccup, and raised his servo up in the air. “I’d like another cube please my mech!!” Tailgate shouted over to Swerve. 

“Primus, take it easy, fellas!” Swerve huffed, wandering out from the bar with another delicate glass of engex.

“Jus’ give the man his ‘gex!!” Whirl shouted, leaning his long neck out and bonking his chin on the top of Tailgate’s helm. “He’s dryin’ up here, get my boy his ‘gex!” 

Tailgate giggled, swinging his pedes around as he reached for his cube and placed the straw inside. “Thanks Swerve! You should- *hic* should have a shot with us.” 

Whirl turned his helm to Swerve, optic shrinking to a pinprick as he anticipated the bartender’s reply. Swerve laughed, already starting to walk away. “You two can’t even do a shot!” 

“You don’t know about me!!” Whirl singsonged, turning his helm upwards to the ceiling. “Youuu don’t even know. Don’t even-” Whirl gasped. “GET ME A SHOT! I’ll prove it!” 

Tailgate’s servo came down on Whirl’s chassis, smacking as gently as he could in his inebriated state and snorting through another round of giggles. Whirl’s spark swirled. His optic blew out wide and affectionate as he hooked an arm around Tailgate’s shoulders. “And him a shot too!” 

Swerve laughed. “Alright, alright!” 

Rung turned his helm to watch Swerve leave for a moment, before turning back to the rowdy pair across the table. “You may want to quiet down a bit, you’re being quite loud.” He said patiently. 

“Ohhhh, Ohhh yeah, yeah because-!” Whirl waved his free servo dismissively, “Because the bar is a quiet time place for quiet people.” 

Rung sighed, shaking his helm with a warm smile. 

“Alright, this is the good stuff,” Swerve piped up, setting two tiny shot glasses in front of Whirl and Tailgate, “So don’t waste it, alright?” 

Tailgate banged his servos on the table and reached forwards, nabbing the shot glass and clearing his vocalizer a few times. “To Swervy!” He said with the shot raised. 

Whirl grasped the delicate glass between his claws, lifting it slowly to his intake as he lifted his helm up to expose the opening. “T’ Swervers!” Whirl agreed. 

“3, 2- uh, 1!!” Tailgate counted down. 

*

Whirl’s optic cycled slowly, flickering a bit with inebriation as he snickered to himself. He peered at the mirror ball hanging from the ceiling, watching it spin and throw multicoloured light across the bar. He had slumped down in his seat, resting his helm on his chassis. It was making it difficult to see much, other than his chassis and the ceiling, but his audials were working just fine, drinking in Tailgate’s voice as he babbled. 

“‘N like! I could fraggin’ take him right?” Tailgate nudged Whirl’s shoulder. “Everyone’s like ‘oh Tailgate you’re so nice *hic* you’re so sweet, you’re jus’- just a little guy!’ I could beat. EVERYONE in a fight, all one after another, right?” 

“I would advise against-” Rung began, glancing around furtively. Tailgate shook Whirl’s frame, rattling his sluggish processor around in his head. 

“I could!!” Tailgate whisper shouted into Whirl’s audial. A shiver ran up Whirl’s back strut, his optic blazing back to life. 

“You’re… you are so strong.” Whirl confirmed, nodding. “You could fraggin’... kick everyones aft…” 

“Uhuh!” Tailgate agreed proudly, rattling the curly straw around in his half empty cube. “AND! AND!! I’m gonna do it.” 

“Tailgate-” Rung began to object, snatching up his cube of light energon as Tailgate stood up and gripped the side of the table. 

“I’munna do the!! The- The Prounce?” Tailgate cycled his optics one after another at Whirl. “What’s that guys name??” 

Whirl cackled giddily. “Do the Prounce!!” He agreed. 

“WHO WANTS TO WRESTLE?!” Tailgate cried, flipping the table over and flexing his arms. Rung moaned in abject despair, hiding his faceplate from the growing crowd of onlookers.

*

“...2…1-!! YOU’RE OUT!!” Rewind shouted over the pained shouts and tapping of Spinister’s servo against the floor. Tailgate released his leg from the hold and stood up off the ground, pumping his fists in the air. 

“YEAAAAHHH!!” Tailgate cheered, doing a lap around the bar to soak in the high fives and drunken laughter of his audience. 

Whirl was lounging across the booth’s bench, hanging his helm over the edge as he observed the fights. The bar was in absolute shambles by this point, the floor cracked and littered with shattered engex cubes. One would have assumed that Swerve would be despondent at this point, but-

“ARRIGHTTTT, who wants to take on the champ next!!” Swerve barked, scraping the shanix from Spinister’s betting pool half into his lockbox and half into the waiting hands of those who had- quite reasonably- bet on Tailgate. 

Whirl sat up sluggishly as Tailgate rounded towards their booth, picking a glass of energon off of the ground and holding the straw out to him. Tailgate took a long slip and then smacked the cube out of Whirl’s claws, shattering it on the ground. 

“OUUUH I’m so good it hurts, ow, ow owieeeee.” Tailgate slurred, doing a clumsy victory dance. Whirl stared intently at the minibot’s aft, his whole frame feeling warm. He hiccuped quietly, reaching out and wrapping his claws around Tailgate’s wrist. 

“You…” He mumbled out, his optic flickering. “You could kill god.” 

Rung cleared his vocalizer uncomfortably, still nursing his cube of energon as he helplessly observed the mess before him. “I think that’s enough wrestling for you two, maybe you should-”

“I ACCEPT YOUR CHALLENGE!!” Thunderclash boomed, rising from his booth with a broad, heroic grin. An uproarious cheer rose from the gathered audience. 

Tailgate flexed, bouncing around on his pedes. “Pep talk, pep talk.” He urged, smacking at Whirl’s arm. 

“You’re gonna- *hic* go out there and beat his fraggin’ aft- you gotta- you can.” Whirl craned his neck out again to lay his helm against the top of Tailgate’s, “Did you know your head is so so flat?” He observed. 

“Yeah, yeah, yeah, I’m pumped now!!” Tailgate put his fists up, slipping out from under Whirl’s head and rushing out towards Thunderclash. 

Whirl sat up, plastering himself languidly against the bench. “He’s so cool, right?” He mumbled fondly, chasing the straw of another of Tailgate’s unfinished engex cubes around with his intake. 

“Whirl- I know you and Tailgate are just having a good time but-” Rung tried, raising his voice just above the sound of Rewind counting the two fighters in. He was immediately cut off by the sound of metal hitting metal as the wrestlers clashed, servos locked as Tailgate’s optics flickered and gleamed with energy. 

It didn’t take more than a few seconds for Thunderclash to go sailing, off his servos and through the wall into the hallway outside of Swerve’s. A comically Thunderclash-shaped hole was left in his wake, the bot rumbling with good natured laughter.

The whole bar lost it. Whirl in particular began to whoop and holler, stumbling to his pedes as Tailgate punched the air excitedly. 

“WHAT IS GOING ON HERE!?” Boomed the imposing voice of Ultra Magnus. The scene immediately froze, dozens of inebriated mechs turning like headlight stunned deer in the third in command’s presence as he poked his helm through the hole in the wall. There was a long, fearful moment of quiet as both Rodimus and Megatron’s faces appeared alongside Magnus’s. 

“Oh shit, without me?” Rodimus pouted.

Whirl immediately smashed his cube on the ground, curly straw bouncing across the floor as he leapt to gather Tailgate up in his arms. “SCATTER!” He howled. 

The bots present immediately obliged. Rung dashed out into the fray, attempting to speak with Ultra Magnus before he reacted too harshly but immediately being bowled over as Blaster bolted for the exit. Whirl swore he saw Skids climb into an errant vent with Nautica close behind. 

Tailgate wriggled in Whirl’s arms. “Lemme down, I’ll show em-!” He huffed out drunkenly, punching at the air. Whirl shifted quickly into his altmode, carefully transferring the minibot into his cockpit before darting out of the hole Thunderclash had left. Primus, it was impossible to fly like this. His vision swam, going in and out of focus as he soared down the hallway. 

Tailgate hiccuped, plastering his faceplate against the inside of Whirl’s observation window. Whirl’s guts felt funny at that, but he tamped the feeling down as Tailgate called out, ‘Oh SLAG!’ from inside the cockpit. 

“MEGA- *urp* TRON!!” Tailgate wheezed out. Whirl chose not to turn around to observe the co-captain making a full tilt break for him, but he could sure as hell hear him, his pede-falls shaking the entire ship around them. Whirl felt the adrenaline begin to sober him, but not nearly fast enough as he bounced off the wall of the hallway and spiraled around a corner. 

“I’m gonna be sick-” Tailgate moaned. 

“NOT IN ME YOU AREN'T!!” Whirl snapped back.

“STOP!” Megatron shouted. 

“TRY AND CATCH ME, NARC!” Whirl cackled, hazarding the briefest glance behind him before-

*WHAM*

*

.

..

… 

“Uuuurghhhhhhh….” Whirl moaned, his optic flickering on to the view of the ceiling passing by him. He was still sloshed, he could tell that much by the way the light rock of being… carried(?) made his tanks churn. He vaguely heard humming above him and tipped his helm to look for its source. Ah, of course. Tailgate was carrying him, practically skipping down the hall with Whirl in his arms. 

“Whuh-” Whirl mumbled. 

“You ran into a wall.” Tailgate chirped helpfully. “We’re going to the brig for a night for breaking holes in the walls.” 

Whirl glanced up, seeing that the two of them were being escorted by two members of security, and groaned in annoyance, offlining his optic. “Y’only threw… Thunders through one wall…” He mumbled, trying to corral his processor into thinking right. “Did I-” 

“Yeah you flew through the wall.” Tailgate confirmed, making a turn and beginning to carry him down a short flight of stairs. 

“Nice…” Whirl murmured reverently, laying his helm affectionately against Tailgate’s chassis. He could faintly hear the movement of his fuel pump, each piston working in perfect harmony as the minibot walked. He heard the sound of the bars of the holding cell going down, then felt himself be placed gently on the cot in the corner of the cell before Tailgate plopped down on the floor next to him. 

“See you in the morning!” called Tailgate, waiting until he heard they were finally alone before bursting out laughing. Whirl glanced at him, bewildered only more so when he saw wiper fluid gathering at the edges of his fritzing optics. 

“TG-” Whirl started, ignoring the sting of his aching plating and internals as he rolled to face him.

“C-cyclonus is gonna be so worried-” He babbled, slurring his words and wiping at his face. “I’m sorry, I’m such a mess-” 

“Hey- w-we’re gonna be fine, it’s just one night and-” Whirl reached out to comfort him, jolting as Tailgate threw himself against the other mech’s chassis, burying his face against his windshield, this time from the other side. “Oh man…” Whirl grimaced internally. He was NOT the right person for this. 

Whirl hesitated for a moment, his swimming processor making him bold enough to wrap his arms back around Tailgate. 

“I’m- *hic* I don’t feel good…” Tailgate whimpered, rolling his helm to look piteously up at Whirl. 

“We’re kinda overcharged I think…” Whirl whispered. “This is gonna suck tomorrow.”

Tailgate laughed weakly, turning his face back to rest against the plating of Whirl’s upper chassis. “... you’re warm…” 

It felt like Whirl’s spark would give out. “... Why’re you bein… so nice to me…” Whirl whispered without meaning to. 

“Huh?” Tailgate lifted his helm, slowly cycling his optics. 

“Why’re you being so nice to me?” Whirl croaked out again. 

“Why shouldn’t I be nice to you?” Tailgate hiccuped, cocking his helm and wiping away his tears with the back of his servo. 

Whirl cycled his optic. His spark felt tight in his chassis, squirming under the little bot’s gaze. “... I said somethin’-” Whirl swallowed thickly, trying to reset his vocalizer. “I was so mean… when you were worried about me…” 

Tailgate stared at him for a long, quiet moment, sniffling. A fresh batch of tears gathered at the edges of Tailgate’s optics. “... Did we really make you feel like-... like what you said?” 

Whirl ached. He fought for the words, his processor feeling soupy and slow. His spark spoke for him. “No… I-... I don’t feel like that… I thought-” Whirl looked away, unable to bear it. “... I thought I really blew it with you two.” 

Tailgate was quiet for a moment, letting out a thin chuckle. “... You could never.” he said, wrapping his servo delicately around one of Whirl’s claws, like the ex wrecker was made of glass. 

Whirl offlined his optic, rolling his head to bump against Tailgate’s. 

“... ‘m sorry.”

“... I forgive you.” The minibot whispered. 

Whirl couldn’t think of anything else to say. He said it again. “I’m… *hic* I’m sorry.”

“I forgive you.” 

“... I’m sorry.” 

Tailgate leaned his head gently against Whirl’s. “My answer’s not gonna change.” He chuckled. 

I wish it would, it would make sense if it did, I don’t understand. 

… I can’t understand.

“... ok..” Whirl rasped, his claws gently grasping Tailgate’s servo. 

He felt his processor start to slow, warmth radiating from the minibot’s little frame as he laid against him. Whirl was burning up like a meteor crumbling through the atmosphere, and yet, as he began to fall into recharge, he knew there was nowhere else he would rather have been. 

Gross.

*

“Yeah, so… They’re fine, they’re just fine, don’t worry.” Rodimus assured, attempting to lighten the cloud of concern and anger radiating off of Cyclonus’s field. 

“... Mm…” Cyclonus grunted, letting Rodimus open the door to the brig before walking down the stairs inside. His outward appearance betrayed no note of worry, but the mech felt as though his fuelpump might give out, speeding up as much as he could without breaking into a sprint. 

He came to a stop, vents hitching. 

Whirl was laid out on the berth, paint scratched and out of sorts, plating crumpled in places. His arm hung over the side of the berth, his claws loosely gripping Tailgate’s servo in his recharge. Tailgate was a mess of paint transfers and scratches, but looked peaceful as ever, servo in servo with Whirl. 

“Do you… Want me to wake them up- or?” Rodimus cleared his vocalizer. 

“No.” Cyclonus said, too quickly. His optics stayed locked on the scene before him. “I…. I’ll wait until they wake up.” He murmured.

[millilps]

fuck it, we ball clown

so. Susan. Susan Triad. it was all a set up to trap the Doctor. all the mentions of Susan (Foreman) were just to give context to the new viewers. but you know what's interesting here? family.

"wtf are you talking about are you high or something" no no bear with me I actually have a point it's not just pure clowning. well, it is, but I swear I'm trying my best here to make it make sense

it's a long post so buckle up clowns we're going all in with this one

so, I was saying, if you think about it a lot of episodes in this season are more or less centered around or connected to the idea of family in some way:

Space Babies: I mean. yeah. it doesn't really need an explanation. and also the whole thing of being abandoned just like Ruby

The Devil's Chord: we know Maestro is part of the Toymaker's family, and technically also the kid we see at the start? I think? are there theories about that kid? is he just a normal kid and then became somehow the harbinger of Maestro?

Boom: the concept of family literally saves everyone

73 Yards: well, Ruby's family is present in the episode, but also it's interesting how Ruby's fears play out in the episode which is directly interlocked with her birth mother abandoning her, it's kinda there but not as central or as explored as other episodes

Dot and Bubble: it's... a bit more subtle. it's there, kinda. we do have the whole thing of all the people in Finetime being part of rich families, and we also see Lindy's mom, so it's better than nothing

Rogue: I actually don't know. the family of Chuldurs? the marriage proposal? I have absolutely no idea but I also feel like it's there somewhere

The Legend of Ruby Sunday/Empire of Death: I probably don't have to say much as they are the episodes that actually dive in Ruby's story and the mystery around her birth, but yeah the family theme is obviously there

with the season following this theme, more or less, Susan was an obvious choice.

think about it: the Doctor has lost so many people he cared about that Sutekh pretty much could use every name ever. obviously they also had to explain regeneration to new viewers (hi, new viewers! hope you're enjoying the show!) so the list had to be shortened to only characters who are time lords or have the ability to regenerate, add a bit of "the Doctor regretting his past choices" and you get Susan. and this is tied directly with the theme of family, because she is the Doctor's family, technically the only gallifreyan family member we know about (Jenny, River, the Ponds and probably more that I'm forgetting/don't know about are also family, but in a different way) and also we have no informations whatsoever about her - sure, we have Big Finish, but it's kinda... not exactly canon, I guess? idk. nothing is canon and everything is canon at the same time in this show, you just have to live with it. still, she's one of the biggest mysteries of this show, because while other characters came back or were mentioned with information about them and/or their lives either in the expanded universe that is more strongly influenced by the show (yes I'm looking at Barbara and Ian's wedding in the 50th anniversary DMW that I can't find anywhere, idc what anyone says but that IS canon) or in the actual show at some point, she has never officially returned, and the Doctor has never officially gone back to meet her (sure, we have the story Fellow Traveller in the book Adventures in Lockdown, but it's probably not canon anymore at this point - although, it could be, if we clown enough). and with all the things about family in the season, obviously she had to be the key.

Ruby's family story is concluded: she found her birth mother, she also found her father, and now she has an amazing big loving family. but you know which one isn't? the Doctor's. we've met his adoptive mother, sure, but we know the Doctor had kids, we know Susan exists, and we know she's family to him.

she's out there somewhere. I know. she must be. she could've been mentioned in a lot of different episodes, a lot of different points, a lot of different stories, but she wasn't.

so why all these mentions all of a sudden? honestly I have absolutely no idea, I'm not RTD, I'm just a clown doing clown things, and the clown things on today's list is making theories about how Susan might come back

[gxlden-angels]

Looking back, it's so funny that my family still sees my neurodivergence as more of a prayer issue than a neurological difference especially when I got very overwhelmed singing during praise and worship, but was still told to sing and dance so they definitely looked to their side and just saw this

[automatonknight]

here's the prick i was talking about^ i have so many thoughts and notes about him but they're mostly incomprehensible so when i organize maybe them i'll post them who knows

[bittersweetresilience]

say hi to me i don't know, i just remembered being so much brighter, i guess

cigarette ash like wildfire burning holes in the nighttime open scars feel like barbed wire white lies flying high like a ceasefire dropping flags on the shoreline this is as far as i can feel right 'cause what you don't know can haunt you

and all we ever wanted was sunlight and honesty highlights to want to repeat let's get away from here and live like the movies do i won't mind when it's over at least i didn't think for a while

don't drag it out living like that doesn't mean a thing

so let's, make a great escape and i'll be waiting outside for the getaway it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark and all we'll ever need is another day we can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away and live like shooting stars 'cause happy endings hardest to fake

and i wanna let you know i wanna let you go but i just can't bring myself to speak but this is how it goes the end credits, they roll this bridge was built over kerosene but we can watch it and all i ever wanted was sunlight and honesty highlights to want to repeat let's get away from here and live like the movies do i won't mind when it's over at least i didn't think

so let's run, make a great escape and i'll be waiting outside for the getaway it doesn't matter who we are we'll keep running through the dark and all we'll ever need is another day we can slow down 'cause tomorrow is a mile away and live like shooting stars you can wish away forever but you'll never find a thing like today

[cattatoir]

I think I have unpopular Sandman takes bc I'm usually on his side

[askthekirbysquad]

I've been working through RtDL DX's Extra Mode fairly slowly, so I'm only just getting close to finishing it up now. I got all 120 Energy Spheres earlier today, and uhhhhhhh

Fun fact: This dialogue is entirely new to DX! It's not in the original. I went back to my old file on the Wii and checked.

Haha yeah you little shit, we know you're planning to betray us soon (still love you though <3)

WHAT THE FUCK????????

EXCUSE ME????????

And then he goes on to explain a bit more, as seen above. But uhhhhhh,,, yeah!!! He's not actually Halcandran!!!! That's a new piece of Lore right there. My jaw dropped while reading it lmao

Anyway, moving on from that bombshell of a sentence, since we still aren't done with the full dialogue,

Remember that post I made a bit over a month ago talking about some of Manager Magolor's dialogue, where I was wondering if that dream of his regarding the theme park also applied to Main Mode Magolor?

I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!

Hell yeah this is such a victory for me I was so excited to read that dghsghfs

Magolor stole the Master Crown so he could make a giant theme park Confirmed and Canon and Real /hj

And then we also get a fun little reference to the Kirby Clash games!

A steal in Kirby's eyes, maybe, but that's only because he doesn't understand real-world currency.

And to close out this post, here are the last two lines of dialogue from this conversation!

Anyway. I'm losing my mind 💖

[leatherbookmark]

dear god that would be turbo cringe or whatever, but seeing all those annoying little things in fics over and over again really makes me want to write one in which they're not obligatory funnymoments but rather like, words that have meaning and weight and so on

[newtness532]

i have to stop feeling sooo bad about situations where i haven't really done anything wrong

[backslashdelta]

.

[catoscloves]

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[senkayro]

I feel so fucking angry at everyone lately. I need better friends.

[chuluoyi]

✎ wedding anniversary

- gojo satoru x reader

seven years of dating, two years of wedded bliss, and gojo is having his greatest existential crisis yet... all because this year, you apparently have forgotten the most important day of your lives

genre: 18+ suggestive content—minors do not interact!—heavy smut, fingering, cunnilingus, p in v sex, slight breeding kink, crack, drunk, lovesick and possessive gojo (nanami is so very done with him), also fluff !!

note: back to chu's thirsting hour :') based on a fellow gojo fucker's very helpful brainrot (chiyo if you see this, hii!😗) pls give it some love bc this has gone through not showing up in the tags 5x already *sobs*

a part of gojo's love entries

general masterlist

To this day, it was still beyond Nanami why you, his very sensible former classmate, would have Gojo Satoru as your husband.

“She... doesn't—hic!—care about m-me... anymore!”

But well, to each their own.

“Gojo—”

“Today is our—hic!—anniversary!”

This is exhausting. It had been 30 minutes ever since the blindfolded shithead started rambling his sorrows. “She is probably just busy, you don't have to—”

“I r-really thought—hic!—she would at least n-not forget it l-like that!”

“Please, stop this nonse—”

Satoru snapped his head so swiftly that Nanami was startled, pointing out an accusatory finger at his face. “You stop!—you don't understand, Nanami!”

The said man flinched, taken aback, before feeling the surge of irritation coursing through his veins.

Sure, Nanami would gladly admit that he didn't understand. He neither had the time nor energy to. It was beyond him that he was even entertaining this blubbering idiot at this time of the day, in a bar no less. How did he get roped into this in the first place?

Actually, he had minus interest in your marital affairs, but Gojo was latching onto him all day, rambling about how excited he was for this day for weeks now, until you gave him a call, saying you would be home late and disregarded his very open anticipation. You broke his heart to pieces, apparently.

Amidst his heartbroken musings, Gojo followed him to his frequented bar, where he proceeded to down multiple glasses without any supervision.

“Am I really t-that lousy? Can’t be it… I’m s-strong, d-dashing… rich—”

Nanami released a guttural sigh, messaging his temples. How could this idiot have no shame while spouting all of this?

“Will s-she… divorce me next…?” he abruptly blurted, eyes widening as saucers and full of clarity all of a sudden. Satoru firmly tugged at his suit and forced him to face him. “Nanamin…! S-she won’t divorce me, r-right?!”

Oh, to hell with it. Nanami couldn’t take this anymore. He was done and he had no patience to tolerate it any longer.

He shrugged him off, and pulled out his phone to dial your number. “Hello? Please, come pick your husband. He’s a public nuisance!”

In fact, you didn’t forget your anniversary.

How could you? Satoru made it his point to drop hints about it almost every day, and you actually struggled to be indifferent about it because you also had things planned out.

A present—already taken care of thanks to your mail order of Rolex’s newest collection watch, and a treat—a two-tier mochi cake he had been staring at with literal stars in his eyes on your last date.

Which has become the problem. The bakery had mishandled your delivery and you had to wait for them to remake it. It was 8pm already and you couldn't help but worry. Satoru must be feeling utterly despondent by now, thinking you had forgotten a day that meant so much for both of you.

And so when you got a call from Nanami, you dropped everything to get him and told the bakery to arrange for the delivery tomorrow, because you knew... nothing good ever came out of Satoru getting drunk.

"I missed youuuu~! Dearest, darling— my universe!"

To Satoru, the everything around him was a blur of lights and hiccups when you came to retrieve him. Nanami was so eager to wash his hands off him, leaving you with a pointed grimace as if pitying you.

. . .

"A-are you going to—hic!—leave m-me?" Satoru slurred for the nth time now, stumbling inside your house with you propping him.

"For the last time, no, but I'm tempted to," you hissed, throwing him a glare. Your husband was a very unpleasant drunk because he wasn't even a drinker in the first place. "Satoru—walk properly!"

You managed to get him into your bedroom, where Satoru flopped onto the bed, dissolving into groans. You exhaled deeply and plucked the buttons of his shirt open, trying to get him change into his sleepwear.

"Ah... haaah," suddenly he caught your hand and placed it on his bare chest, his eyes blazing into yours, rambling, "Sweetheart—please. I c-can't live without you now... I'm sorry—I'm sorry for anything, or everything, I don't even know but—please don't hate me—"

"Satoru..." Your eyes widened slightly in surprise. Why was he this spooked? "I'm not leaving you, okay?"

"I promise you, I'll do better—" his voice was watery, as if his throat was clogged up. "I'll be better..." His voice then reduced into a whisper. The alcohol had stripped away his facade, leaving his raw emotions exposed.

Something inside you lurched. Throughout the nine years you have been with him, Gojo Satoru was always irritatingly self-assured, and so seeing him like this— so openly fragile, it did more than just churn your insides; it made you realize the depth of his feelings.

In that moment, you knew your reassurance meant everything.

"I'm not going anywhere, yeah?" you placed your other hand over his, offering him a genuine, soft smile. “Satoru, I’ve put up with your ass for more than nine years. So…” you shifted your eyes away, suddenly feeling embarrassed, before looking at him again. “I'm here... for you, always.”

His grip on your hand loosened slightly, but the intensity in his gaze didn't wane, and you would've laughed when he hiccupped next if you weren't feeling the overwhelming warmth in your chest.

But oh you wouldn't have expected it, because one heartbeat later, he yanked you down to the bed— crashing his lips against yours.

“Mmmph!”

He tangled his nimble fingers on your hair, and his other hand slipped inside your blouse, unclasping your bra in one flick. You let out a gasp, "Satoru—! "

Before you could even gasp, in the next second, he flipped you over— seizing your puffy lips once more. His hands now moved with more urgency, squeezing your breasts rather roughly, flicking your nipples with the pads on his thumbs.

And soon, far sooner than you thought...

"Who else gets to see you like this?" Satoru inquired darkly after you were naked under him, his voice low and deep. He was no longer that stupid husband of yours, rather the wanton man of your nightly wonders.

Without warning, he slid one of his fingers into your folds, probing your walls, and a gasp escaped you as you arched your back, throwing your head back on the sheets.

"No— one," your voice came in a breathless moan, still reeling. "H-how can y-you ask me—" Stretching you out even further, he entered another finger and you wailed, "Mmgh!"

He had always loved the sounds you made and how you were so pretty squirming under him like this. And before you knew it, his face was inches from your cunt, blowing hot air into your sensitive flesh.

"Tell me, who is the only person who gets to see you like this?"

Your eyes rolled back, words died on your tongue as his skilled tongue ran down on your drenched pussy. You instinctively tried to close your legs around his head, but he firmly held them apart.

"You." Panting, your mind racing to form coherent thoughts. You managed to mutter, "Only you... No one else—hah—just y-you...!"

He suckled on your clit hungrily then, rewarding you for your honesty. Squelching noises echoed around your marital bed as your arousal pooled around his fingers— you being so incredibly, irrevocably close to your release.

"Haaah, ngh—mmph!—Satoru, I'm a-about to—!" but then, in one cruel twist, he withdrew his digits, and your pussy throbbed at the loss.

You muffled your whines, feeling betrayed and irritable. "What—why—!?"

"Don't think that I'll let you cum anywhere else but my cock," he stated gallantly with an unusually stern expression, blue eyes narrowing as he assessed your wetness. Right in front of your eyes, his cock sprung after he let it out of his pants.

"Soon, you'll feel me..." Your eyes shamelessly followed his long length as he placed it on your lower belly. "...there."

Everything about him using that taunting tone turned you on, and true to his words, he soon slid himself inside you. He let out a low grunt at the feeling of how your walls clenching around him and you whined, the pain of being stretched making you almost sob.

"Shit, hold still," Satoru groaned, pushing down on your belly. "You're so tight— relax for me a bit, sweetheart? You're doing so, so fucking well."

His words went through you, and you could feel yourself opening more to ease his intrusion. Next thing you knew, he was buried deep inside you, and his gaze met you once again.

"Are you okay?" he asked between breaths, voice softening. When you nodded in response, he planted a kiss on your chest.

"I love you," he said in a rasp, eyes piercing your soul. "I’ll give you anything. My body, heart, soul—you can have it all. In return, you just have to promise one thing." His eyes, now clearer, deprived of the earlier haze, boring straight into you like an arrow.

"Don't ever leave me."

"I won't," you replied resolutely, catching your breath. Your own eyes shone with your love for him, making it even. "For as long as I live, it's going to always be you."

Satoru gazed at you as if you were his skies and stars, and before he started pounding into you, he vowed—

"Then I'm yours."

And soon, you were a nothing more than a frenzy, hot mess. You couldn’t help the nasty moans flying out of your lips as he kept barreling into you. His grunts reverberated throughout the room, rutting you through your hazed mind.

And the way he was whispering provocations into your ear, pushing you further into ecstasy at the mere thought of—

"What if... I get you pregnant this time?" A thrust. "Just imagine—" Another. "My wife, all round—" Another. "—just because I—am doing this to her—!"

You were barely registering his rambles at this point. Your walls clenching around his girth impossibly tight and you let him claim you as his thoroughly, your legs locking around his waist.

"Ah—ngh, mmrgh! Satoru—more!"

This wasn't you, the usual you wouldn't be this daring— but even you'll be more than forgiven tonight.

Satoru's jaw tightened at the sheer pleasure you brought him, his ego stroked, and his heavenly eyes darkened as you begged and dug your nails into him. He was so close, he could feel it. Your moans was enough to lead him to cum right here and there.

But before that, he was determined to show you, to whom you truly belong.

“My wife.” He growled. A thrust.

“Mine.” You gasped. Harder.

“All mine.” Deeper.

"Yes," you cried. "Yours— all yours, so please—!"

And three deep thrusts later, Satoru finally busted his load inside you, spurts after spurts painting your wall white— filling you up so hard it was spilling out. And your orgasm followed in immediate effect along with your hitched screams of pleasure, before the two of you collapsed on each other, a mix of groans and sweat, entwined in cum, bliss and exhaustion.

"Love you, sweetheart," you heard him murmuring in your ears, enveloping you in a warm embrace as you drifted into sleep.

Next morning, you were awoken to soft hums in your ears.

"Oh, the sleeping beauty awakens." The first sight you saw was Satoru's cheeky grin, and him pecking you on the lips. "How are you?"

"Mmm..." you winced, feeling the slight twinge between your legs. He noticed it and gently untangled himself from you, fingers tracing your waist. "Don't move around too much, you're going to bother my little swimmers, you know."

It took you a few seconds to realize what he meant and you glared at him. "You horny weirdo. I just woke up."

“Heh heh heh~ Don't take it too seriously! I was just trying to get you to smile.” He pinched your cheeks and then mused, “Well, I'd actually be surprised if we made it last night...”

"You're not funny," you retorted. You had been feeling weird and that was when you saw it.

The dazzling, massive diamond ring. On your finger. Wait, is that Graff's Tribal Collection?

"Satoru..." you mumbled, lifting your hand in shock, your eyes fixed on the piece that likely cost more than your monthly wage. "You..."

"Do you like it?" his smile was so easy and light, adoring the sight of you. You were so adorable, marveling at the little gift he got you.

"What do you mean—" you stuttered, turning to him. "Are you crazy?! I can't wear something this expensive—!"

"But that's exactly my point. It's a gift, meant to spoil my wife."

"You are mad," warmth flooded your cheeks, your heart fluttering with joy. You were unbelievably giddy because your husband really knew the way to your heart, yet you'd be damned if you let the excitement show in front of him.

He raised an eyebrow, his expression souring, and with a mocking tone, he accused you, "Actually, you're the one who's gone mad. I can't believe you forgot our anniversary!"

"I didn't, you dummy. I was out picking up your favorite mochi cake before you got yourself wasted." You turned away from him, shyly. "And I got a gift for you too."

"Oh? Oooh! Really!? What is it?!"

He was back to his silly self again, and you could only shake your head, wondering how the sex god from last night and this fool was the same person.

Yet, you felt nothing but love. Your heart couldn't help but melt for him when you saw that carefree grin.

And you couldn't be more grateful to the stars for bringing him into your life.

. . .

Oh, and little did you know that his little swimmers also made the goal last night— as three weeks later, you found yourself clutching the first of your pregnancy tests, which was showing a positive.

[vadlings]

Represention of Autistic Frustration in Laios Dungeon Meshi

Like many other autistic people, I related strongly to Laios Touden while reading Dungeon Meshi. This post isn't going to spend time disputing whether he displays autistic traits or not—while I could do that, I want to focus on why specifically his portrayal struck a chord with me in a way the writing of most other autistic-coded characters has not.

Disclaimer: as the above suggests, this post is strongly informed by my own experiences as an autistic person, as well as the experiences of my neurodivergent friends with whom I have spoken about this subject. I want to clarify that in no way am I asserting my personal experience to be some Universal Autistic Experience. This post is about why Laios' character feels distinct and significant to me in regard to autistic representation, and while I'm at it, I do feel that I have interesting things to say about autistic representation in media generally. This also got a bit long, so I'm sticking it under a read more. Spoilers for up to the end of chapter 88 below.

The thing that stands out most to me in regard to Laios' characterisation is the open anger he displays when someone points out his inability to read other people. This comes up prominently in his interactions with "Shuro" (Toshiro Nakamoto):

The frustration pictured above (Laios continuing to physically tussle with Toshiro, using crude language toward him) becomes even more notable when you remember that this is Laios, who, outside of these interactions, is not easily fazed and often exists as a lighthearted contrast to the rest of the cast. Then we get to Laios' nightmare.

In Falin's words: "Nightmares love emotional wounds. Wounds you hold in your heart. Things that give you stress, or things that were traumatic for you. They aggravate memories like that and cause the dreamer to have terrible dreams." (chapter 42, page 10.) (damn. i'm properly citing for this post and everything.)

Thus, Laios' nightmare establishes an important fact: even if he is unable to recognise social blunders while he's making them, he's at least subconsciously aware that other people operate on a different wavelength to him, and that he's an outsider in many of his social circles (both past and present). His dream-father's disparaging words stress the impact this has had upon his ability to live up to the expectations set out for him, and we also get a panel of kids who smirk at him (presumably former bullies to some degree). Toshiro's appearance only hammers home how much Laios is still both humiliated and angered by his misunderstanding of their relationship.

I've thought a lot about anger as concomitant to the autistic experience. When autistic representation portrays ostracization, it's generally from an angle of the autistic character being upset at how conforming to neurotypical norms doesn't come easily to them; as a result, they express a desire to 'get better' at meeting neurotypical standards, a desire to become more 'normal' (whether the writing implies this is a good thing or not). In contrast, not once does Laios go, "I need to perform better in my social interactions, and try to care less about monsters, because that's what other people find weird." His frustration is directed outward rather than inward, and as a result, it's the people around him who are framed as nonsensical.

The Winged Lion starts delineating Laios' anger, and Laios' reaction is to think to himself, "It can sense all my thoughts, huh?" (chapter 88, page 16.) This is the scene that really resonated with me. I'm not saying I have never felt the desire to conform to neurotypical norms that is borne from insecurity, but primarily, I know that I don't want to work toward becoming 'normal'—I don't want to change myself for people who follow rules I find nonsensical. It's the difference between, "Oh god, why can't I get it," and, "WHY CAN'T YOU GET IT?" (phrasing here courtesy of my friend Miles @dogwoodbite). And for me personally, Dungeon Meshi is the first time I've seen this frustration and the resultant voluntary isolation from other people portrayed in media so candidly. Laios' anger is not downplayed or written to be easily palatable, either.

The culmination of Laios' frustrations in this scene wherein we learn that Laios has fantasised about "a pack of monsters attacking a village" drives home just how alienated he really feels. I need not go into his wish to become a monster himself, redolent of how many autistic people identify/have identified with non-humans to some degree as a result of a percieved disconnect from society (when I was younger, I wanted to be a robot. I still kind of do.)

Obviously, wishing death upon other people is a weighty thing, but the unfiltered nature of this page is what deeply resonated with me. The Winged Lion is laying Laios' deepest and most transgressive desires bare, and they are desires that are a product of lifelong ostracization by others (whether intentional or unintentional). This is the brand of anger I'm familiar with, and that my neurodivergent friends express being familiar with, but that I haven't seen portrayed in writing so explicitly before—in fact, it surprised me because most well-meaning autistic representation I've experienced veers toward infantilisation in trying make the autistic character's struggles easy for neurotypicals to sympathise with.

Let's also not neglect the symbolism inherent to Laios' daydream. "A pack of monsters attacking a village". Functionally, monsters are Laios' special interest—he percieves everything first and foremost through his passion for monsters. His daydream of monsters attacking—killing—humans, is fundamentally a daydream of the world he understands (monsters) overthrowing the world that is so illogical to him, that has repeatedly shunned him (other people). I joked to my friends that it's an autistic power fantasy, and it actually sort of is. And in it, his identity is aligned with that of the monsters, while his anger manifests in a palpable dissociation from the rest of humanity. This is one manga page. It's brief. It's also very, very raw to me. I think about it often.

To conclude, I love Laios Dungeon Meshi. This portrayal of open frustration in an autistic character meant a lot to me, and I hope I've sufficiently outlined why. Also, feel free to recommend media with autistic representation in the notes if you've read this far—I would really like to see if there is more of this nature. Thank you for reading. I'm very tired and should probably sleep now.

[yunmew]

この人優しすぎるやめて😭😭😣😣🤦🤦🤦😭😭🙇