#it was exclusive to the meanest of us

[whimsyprinx]

i think it’s important for friendships that you share enemies, as well as having your friend enemy who you don’t know be your enemy as well because they’re your friends enemy

[anonymouspuzzler]

FUCK YOU, WATERLOO WORLD!!

If you're dumb enough to do a 100% run this weekend you're a big enough schmuck to come to FRED BONAPARTE'S WATERLOO WORLD!!! Bad tightropes! Figments slightly off the descent path of levitation! CANNONS! If you think you're going to find a PB at Waterloo World you can KISS MY ASS!! It's our belief that you're such a STUPID MOTHERFUCKER you'll still go for rank 101 - GUARANTEED! If you find a better category SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!! You heard us right! SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!! Bring your PSI-palms! Bring your flight glitch! Bring your figment guide! We'll FUCK IT! That's right! We'll FUCK your figment guide! Because at Fred Bonaparte's Waterloo World you're FUCKED six ways from Sunday!! Take a hike - to Fred Bonaparte's Home Of Challenge Levitation! That's right, Challenge Levitation! How's it work? If you can hover six feet in the air straight up and not get shot by a cannon, you get NO MISSED FIGMENTS!! Don't wait! Don't delay! Don't FUCK WITH US! Or we'll ruin your PB! Only at FRED BONAPARTE'S WATERLOO WORLD!! The only mental world that tells you to FUCK OFF!!! Hurry up, asshole!! This event ends the minute after you break out that Hearty Knight and he better not miss or you're a DEAD MOTHERFUCKER!! Go to hell - FRED BONAPARTE'S WATERLOO WORLD!! France's Filthiest and EXCLUSIVE home of the meanest sons of bitches in Thorney Towers - GUARANTEED!!!

[clamsjams]

FUCK YOU, QUESADILLA ISLAND!!!

If you're dumb enough to join a minecraft server this weekend you're a big enough schmuck to come to QSMP PURGATORY!!! Bad design!Confusing scoring! NEUROTOXIN! If you think you're going to have a good time at Purgatory you can KISS MY ASS!!! It's our belief that you're such a STUPID MOTHERFUCKER You'll still try to win - GUARANTEED! If you find a better event SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!You heard us right! SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!! Bring your team! Bring your gas mask! Bring your “roommate”! We’ll FUCK THEM!That’s right! We’ll FUCK your “roommate”!Because at QSMP purgatory you're FUCKED six ways from Sunday! Take a hike - to Purgatory's Home of Challenge Dying! That's right, Challenge Dying! How does it work? If you can make it back to your dead body and not get spawnkilled, you get NO NAUSEA EFFECTS! Don't wait! Don't delay! Don’t FUCK WITH US! Or we'll nuke the island! Only at QSMP PURGATORY!! The only minecraft event that tells you to FUCK OFF!! Hurry up, asshole!! This event ends the minute after you see the eggs and they better not escape or you're a DEAD MOTHERFUCKER! Go to hell - QSMP PURGATORY! Quesadilla’s filthiest and EXCLUSIVE home of the meanest sons of bitches in minecraft roleplay - GUARANTEED!!!!!

[annabelle--cane]

FUCK YOU LONDON! if you're dumb enough to apply for a new job this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to the office of incident assessment and response! miserable work! employees that break down! alchemy! if you think you're going to find a healthy work environment at the oiar you can kiss my ass! it's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker you'll fall for this bullshit-- guaranteed! if you find better job security shove it up your ugly ass! you heard us right! shove it up your ugly ass! bring your skills! bring your experience! bring your social life! we'll destroy it! that's right! we'll destroy your social life! because at the oiar you're fucked six ways from sunday! take a hike to the oiar's home of trauma mind reading! that's right! trauma mind reading! how does it work? if your job interviewer can pluck the worst thing that's ever happened to you right out of your head, you get to skip the rest of the interview! don't wait! don't delay! don't fuck with us or we'll rip your nuts off! only at the oiar! the only department of the civil service that tells you to fuck off! hurry up asshole! we stop hiring the second you send us your cv, and you better not be overqualified or you're a dead motherfucker! go to hell! the oiar! london's filthiest and exclusive home of the meanest sons-of-bitches in the british civil service! guaranteed!

[psycho-pomp]

FUCK YOU, TOONTOWN!

If you're dumb enough to look for a new job this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to the Coal, Oil, and Gas Syndicate! Bad jobs! Working shit hours! Thieves! If you think you're going to find a career at COGS, you can KISS MY ASS! It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit- guaranteed! If you find a better job, shove it up your ugly ass! You heard us right! Shove it up your ugly ass! Bring your resume! Bring your cover letter! Bring your wife! We'll fuck her! That's right! WE'LL FUCK YOUR WIFE! Because at COGS Incorporated, you're fucked six ways from Sunday! Take a hike- to COGS Incorporated! Home of CHALLENGE PISSING! That's right: CHALLENGE PISSING! How does it work? If you can piss six feet in the air straight up, and not get wet, you get paid time off! Don't wait! Don't delay! Don't fuck with us! Or we'll rip your nuts off! Only at the Coal, Oil, and Gas Syndicate! The only resource conglomerate that tells you to FUCK OFF! HURRY UP, ASSHOLE! This opportunity ends the minute after you send us your resume, and you better call back or you're a dead motherfucker! Go to hell- COGS Incorporated! Toontown's filthiest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons-of-bitches in the state of Suitopia- GUARANTEED!

[cheerry-bomb]

FUCK YOU, NULLA TERRA!

IF YOURE DUMB ENOUGH TO TRY AND SALVAGE YOUR BOAT THIS WEEKEND, YOURE A BIG ENOUGH SCHMUCK TO COME TO BIG HORNZ HELL FOREST!

OFF-PUTTING MUSIC!

MYSTERIOUS KEYPAD!

OMINOUS NATO!

IF YOU THINK YOURE GONNA GET YOUR BOAT BACK AT BIG HORNZ HELL FOREST, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS! ITS OUR BELIEF THAT YOURE SUCH A DUMB MOTHERFUCKER YOULL FALL FOR CHIEF WULFS BULLSHIT, GARUNTEED!

IF YOU FIND A BOAT PART, YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR BEAVER ASS!

YOU HEARD US RIGHT, SHOVE IT UP YOUR BEAVER ASS!

BRING YOUR GPS!

BRING YOUR SPAM HOP-RUNNING!

BRING YOUR OTTER FRIEND! WE’LL ERASE HER FACE!

THATS RIGHT, WELL ERASE HER FACE!

BECAUSE AT BIG HORNZ HELL, YOURE FUCKED SIX WAYS TO SUNDAY!

TAKE A HIKE TO BIG HORNZ HELL! HOME OF CHALLENGE BUILDING!

THATS RIGHT, CHALLENGE BUILDING!

HOW DOES IT WORK?

IF YOU CANT CARRY ALL 6 FLAMING BOAT PARTS BACK AND REBUILD IT WITHOUT FAILING, YOU’LL BE ABLE TO USE THE GPS IN OTHER MINIGAMES!

DONT WAIT!

DONT DELAY!

DONT FUCK WITH US!

WELL RIP YOUR COCONUTS OFF! ONLY AT BIG HORNZ HELL, THE ONLY FOREST THAT TELLS YOU TO FUCK OFF!

HURRY UP, ASSHOLE!

THE TIMER ENDS THE SECOND YOU FIND THE FIRST BOAT PIECE AND YOU BETTER CARRY IT BACK WITHOUT GETTING JUMPSCARED OR YOURE A DEAD MOTHERFUCKER!

GO TO HELL!

BIG HORNZ HELL FOREST, NULLA TERRAS SCARIEST AND EXCLUSIVE HOME OF THE MEANEST SON OF A BITCH ON THE ISLAND, GUARANTEED!

[rad-ventspace]

okay but this mila kunis/ashton kutcher bullshit is a great point towards something we should all be paying attention to... someone saying they're a feminist is not enough.

liberal feminism has created this culture where the worst, scummiest people can adopt woke language and use it to hide behind.

a man can accuse you of being exclusive and discriminatory for not wanting to fuck him.

the meanest mean girl can call being a good person "emotional labour" and claim that she just doesn't have the "spoons" to be kind to others.

an abuser can use every bdsm buzzword in the book to avoid admitting that the only thing that gets him off is the pain and humiliation of his partners.

mila kunis and ashton kutcher have spent years saying the right things, at the right times. they've declared themselves feminists. they've supported whatever rainbow capitalism hollywood liberal bullshit was trending.

...

and they still wrote those letters supporting their rapist friend.

it doesn't matter what your fave celebrities say they support.

are they putting their money where their mouth is? are they going out on a limb to support victims of the industry, even when the perpetrators are hollywood legends? are they cancelling women who won't stay quiet? are they still working with abusers?

words don't mean shit anymore. actions are what matter.

[ieatcocoa]

A Lasting Impression ♡

Characters: Lucifer/OC/Lilith

Switching POVS

Word count: 3.2k

Important: 18+ minors do not interact. fem dom! Lilith, sub top! Lucifer, fem!reader, threesome, fingering, open relationship, penetrative sex, teasing, oral sex, character uses she/they pronouns.

I made this for a close friend of mine, his OC’s name is Ciel, and she is an overlord in the underworld.

Literally, my first time writing smut…so…

Boarder credits to plutism !

The eternal crimson light radiates above Pentagram City. It illuminates among crumbling sidewalks whose jagged edges are nearly as sharp as a local thief's blade, leaving behind twisted shadows that linger longer than the pungent odor of regret and sex. Dried blood sticks to any available surface, acting as the only reminder of a being's existence after being viciously gored. The light is a terrifying symbol of one's vulnerability to death, where a person's entire being is stripped down to its core and made visible to their true self.

Most hide away as best they can to maintain their sense of seclusion. Stability.

It would be a lie to suggest Ceil is not among them. She has always found solace in the darkness. That is only natural, as it was the first thing she saw when she entered hell. Many assume that when you meet your demise, you are rudely dropped into a flaming inferno and forced to live out the rest of your days as a helpless slave to the man himself. However, after Ciel's final breath and the way the cold air felt against their blue lips, everything became numb. She seemed caught between time and space, followed by an endless nothingness. They imagine it was their punishment to be alone, with only encounters from the depths of her memory bank. But then there came a light, similar to the one she bears witness to before her…

Nestled in the heart of the city's junction, the enormous white and gold estate is a beacon of splendor and charm. Its pristine facade, adorned with intricate golden accents, shimmers under the gentle caress of moonlight, casting a mesmerizing glow that enchants all who behold it. It's almost absurd that something so heavenly is here. As expected, its inhabitants are the embodiment of grace and delicacy.

Lucifer and Lilith Morningstar.

Every sinner knows them, regardless of how recently they have 'dropped.'

Respect is difficult, yet even the meanest brutes can bite their tongues when graced by royalty. Ceil longs for that kind of authority. Talk of the town is like a never-ending telephone game, misconstrued or added on for flare. When others became aware of her presence, there was an unprecedented wave of rumors, specifically in the Pride ring.

That may be why they were invited during their daily tea hour with Rosie. The beautifully sealed envelope exudes an aura of grandeur. Its seal, meticulously stamped with the emblem of the hosting organization, adds an air of exclusivity and importance to the contents within. As they run their fingers along its smooth surface, they can almost feel the excitement radiating from within, promising an evening of elegance.

The king and queen had invited her to their home.

To their party.

To them.

Ciel knew she couldn't pass up this opportunity, which is how she ended up here. Within the walls of the magnificent mansion, the gala unfolds like a scene from a fairy tale. Crystal chandeliers hang from the high ceilings, casting a soft, golden glow over the exquisitely decorated ballroom. Elaborate floral arrangements adorn every corner, their vibrant hues adding to the lavish surroundings.

Guests, fitted in their finest attire, mingle amidst the grandeur, their laughter and conversation filling the air. Servants move gracefully among the crowd, offering trays of decadent hors d'oeuvres and glasses of fine champagne.

At the center of the room, a raised dais hosts a band of talented musicians, their melodies weaving through the crowd with allure. The music swells and dances, carrying with it an irresistible energy that beckons guests to the dance floor.

That’s when she saw them.

The royal pair attracts attention with their elegance and poise. The handsome man with the tousled blonde hair was the first to catch their eye. Despite his stature, his presence fills the room with undeniable charisma. His rosy cheeks hint at his jovial nature, while his piercing eyes sparkle with intelligence.

Beside him is his counterpart, a tall and remarkably gorgeous woman with olive-toned skin that sparkles in the mellow candlelight. Sculpted with refinement, cascading waves of dark hair frame her delicate features.

Together, they epitomize the perfect balance of strength and grace, their union symbolizing harmony and unity within the royal court. As they engage in conversation, their easy rapport and shared laughter illuminate the room, captivating all who have the privilege of beholding them.

Ciel is held hostage by the image of such a delicacy. If she had not been able to feel the gazes of other bystanders, she would have drooled like a starving animal or a dunce.

Amidst the crowd, Lucifer notices the young woman seated alone at a table, her presence a calling to him. He approaches with a stride and a knowing smile on his lips.

As he reaches her table, he offers a drink with a courteous nod. She meets his eyes with a mixture of surprise and curiosity, her demeanor guarded yet intrigued by his attention.

“Hello there, a drink?” The champagne in his hand sparkles tauntingly as Ciel takes hold, giving it a small taste. “Why thank you.”

Lucifer takes a seat beside them, manuring ever so gracefully that his pristine tailcoat tucks perfectly underneath him. “Are you that new face I’ve heard so much about? I must say, you are much less intimidating in person.” The mild jazz playing in the background does not drown out his voice.

"Mm, it seems I am; my name is Ciel. Take passing conversations with a grain of salt, as they are often misconstrued.”

“I see.”

“And what about yourself? You’re not at all what the book makes you out to be.” Ciel looked at him carefully, a gentle smile gracing their lips. Lucifer’s bushed brows shot up in amusement. “I understand an introduction is not needed! How grand! Are you pleasantly surprised I’m not some horrid beast?”

“Would it be wrong of me to say yes?” She teased.

Funny. He likes that.

As the night wears on and the champagne flows freely, they are drawn together by shared laughter and lighthearted banter. Their eyes sparkle with mischief as they exchange playful quips and witty remarks, the intoxicating effects of the bubbly heightening their sense of camaraderie.

With each passing moment, their inhibitions fade, replaced by a growing sense of desire. Their laughter becomes more animated, and their touches linger a fraction longer, igniting a subtle yet undeniable spark between them.

However, amidst their playful flirtation, a shadow of guilt tugs at the overlord's conscience. She steals furtive glances towards his wife, who converses amiably with an acquaintance just a few feet away. Summoning her wit, she offers a sly remark, "Your Majesty, your charm is as dangerous as it is delightful. I fear I may be getting swept away in a current where I shouldn't be swimming."

The king's demeanor momentarily gives way to a thoughtful silence, his expression becoming unreadable as he weighs the words. For a fleeting moment, the air between them crackles with tension, as if suspended in anticipation of his response.

Then, with a subtle shift in his countenance, his features softened, and his eyes were alight with a glimmer of delight. With measured grace, he leans in slightly. "Ah, my dear, perhaps it is the allure of the forbidden that makes life's dance all the more thrilling."

Hm…

“A beauty she is.” Ciel sighs as their eyes drift across the captivating woman again, no longer masking her words with subtlety.

“Lilith? Indeed.” He responded.

“How would she feel about her husband chatting up a stranger?”

“Is this not a social event? Conversation is the pinnacle, sweetheart.”

“Conversation maybe. Flirting is not.” Ciel quips back.

“Ah ha! I see now. Is that what is bothering you? Lilith is not ignorant of my proclivities; in fact, she welcomes them with open arms!” He expresses himself gleefully, animating with his arms outstretched.

“It still feels wrong to be this friendly behind her back.” The once sweet fizz of the drink now burned unpleasantly at Ciel's throat. There is a beat of silence.

“Would you like for us to all get better acquainted?”

How could they deny an offer as sweet as that?

The ascent up the grand staircase is a haze. The soft glow of candlelight flickers against the walls, casting intricate shadows that sway with every movement. As they reach the top of the stairs, the air becomes thick with suspension.

Is this the appropriate thing to do?

Scents of jasmine linger in the air, mingling with the heady aroma of musky cologne, creating an intoxicating allure that pulls Ciel forward, ceasing any previous doubts.

Guided by the faint sound of murmured voices, she stands before the elaborate doors of the king and queen's private bedroom. The wood is warm beneath her fingertips as she pushes them open, revealing a sanctuary of luxury beyond.

The inside of the room is bathed in a soft, golden light, casting a halo around Lucifer and Lilith as they recline upon the plush bed. The queen's eyes are alight with a playful spark, and her voice is a melodic whisper as she welcomes them into their intimate domain. With a graceful gesture, she invites her to join them, her words laced with a subtle invitation that ignites a flicker of desire within Ciel's chest.

“No need to be shy, lovely. Your presence is much appreciated.”

Time feels as though it were moving through a thick puddle of molasses. Lingering touches dance along Ciel's skin; the feeling is so overwhelming that a soft whine escapes her lips. It was not her intention to come and seduce the most prominent individuals in the underworld, but she was pleased with the outcome. Little did she know, the feeling was mutual. Lucifer watches from a distance, his eyes ablaze with tension, his demeanor poised yet brimming with desire.

He knew it was not his turn.

He knows to wait patiently.

His gaze never wavers as he observes the exchange between Ciel and his goddess, a silent witness to the unfolding tableau of intimacy. With a tender smile, Lilith reaches out, her fingers grazing Ciel's cheek in a gesture of affection. In that brief touch, a current of electricity courses through, heightening the intensity of the moment. “I've heard so much about you; please forgive me. I just needed to see you for myself.” “You’re much prettier in person.” And then, as if guided by an invisible force, Lilith leans forward, her lips meeting theirs in a gentle yet impassioned kiss.

In that stolen moment of intimacy, the world outside fades away, leaving only the desperation of her and Lucifer, who watches with bated breath, his need now mirrored in the depths of his eyes. He can feel the distinctive strain against his pants.

All three let out short huffs as they hastily dropped their garments. It was too hot, too sticky. Ciel sought comfort in the cold air wafting throughout the chamber, being able to feel herself slip away in the confinements of pleasure. The only thing that drew her back was the distinct ticking of the grandfather clock.

“How do you feel?” Lilith is imbued with a sultry allure, carrying like a whispered caress throughout the air.

The duvet that was once neatly tucked into the soft mattress below was now thrown aside by the movement of bare bodies. Lilith has them right where she wants them. Their legs spread prettily enough for her to see the glimmer of the slick coat along her fingers. Ciel's cunt flutters greedily as the skillful fingers push inside once more. A mewl escapes her lips as she tries to form coherent thoughts. It was all too much. The tips of her fingers press snuggly against the sensitive tissue, making her chase for more.

It’s to no avail.

Each time she experiences that wonderful feeling, it is abruptly taken away, leaving her bewildered and dazed.

“Confined.” Ciel manages to sputter out after the loss of Lilith's touch. “I understand that, darling. What do you seek?” Lilith asks as she presses against her soft and sticky walls once again. She hisses, annoyed by the teasing. With a sharp retort poised on their lips, they muster the courage to respond with a sly remark, hoping to regain control of the conversation. “Release.”

But as the words leave their mouth, a wave of instant regret washes over, like a cold shower extinguishing the fire of their defiance. They realize too late the weight of their words and the potential consequences of their impulsive retort. Lilith's mouth curls into a grin as she makes a disapproving sound with her tongue.

No.

“Greedy thing.”

Please!

Ciel finds themselves consumed by an insatiable desire for her touch once more. Every fiber of their being yearns for the electrifying sensation of her fingers against their skin, aching for the pleasure it brings. Her voice trembles with intensity as they plead, their words an impassioned request for her return. Lilith coos gently, wiping away the salty tears that collected at their lash line. A forgiving queen she is. “Shh shh… I’ll ask you again.“

A murmur echoes within the room, laced with an ethereal appeal that holds them transfixed. "What do you seek?" With trembling breath, they confess their deepest longing, their voice barely a whisper, “Power.”

“Good girl.”

The stretch of Lucifer’s cock lacked the familiar, painful ache Ciel was accustomed to. He glides inside smoothly and bottoms out fully. Lilith’s preparation had made it easy; a puddle of arousal coats the underside of their body. Never in his life would he compare the beauty of another to his love, but this one? This one was making it increasingly difficult. Her walls had him entrapped, earning a low groan from him. So soft, even the jagged stitches that etched across her body felt gentle. His pulse flutters as he drags an earnest finger over the raised skin. He could not explain the growing impulse that rose within him, as he frequently acted on it. Lucifer presses a long kiss on the scar at the junction of her navel. “You’re doing so well, taking me so well.” He softly murmurs while pressing his finger against her sensitive nub, causing Ciel to cry out. His pace quickens and the sound of skins hitting against one another grows in passion-filled intensity.

Ciel's muffled squeak was met with the sweet taste of Lilith, a mixture of nectar and lust. The mound, so snuggly pressed against her lips, flutters with need. “Sweetheart—!” Lilith whimpers.

What a beautiful voice.

Ciel had no time to enjoy the sweet sound as Lucifer's rhythmic hip movements clouded her mind. She could hear the distinctive sound of lips meeting one another in a feverish haze. So passionate. They feel a sense of awe and reverence wash over them as if witnessing a sacred union that transcends mortal understanding.

“I love you.”

It was not said to her, though the effects were all the same. Ciel wailed loudly as their hips stuttered, their orgasm rushing over them so hard it left a dull pulse within. He groans in response to the connection between the inseparable duo becoming tighter. He presses his hands against her thighs, massaging the sweat-coated fat in between.

“You’re okay, lovely. I got you.”

The smooth exchange between the two leads Lilith to rush after her release; she can feel the coil inside snap. Coming down from her high duey sweat beads at her forehead, she was satisfied.

Ciel yearns for the snug embrace of Lucifer, their bodies still entwined in the aftermath of their passionate encounter. It took a moment for her to gasp for breath before her eyes trailed downward. He hadn’t cum.

She could cry.

Lilith, ever so perceptive, notices their discomfort and moves to reassure them. She offers a warm and understanding smile as she softly touches their cheek. "How precious. Do not be troubled, my dear." She says softly, her voice a soothing melody amid their turmoil. Drawing them up into a tender embrace, the queen whispers words of reassurance, her voice a balm to their wounded pride. With her gentle guidance, Ciel begins to feel the weight of embarrassment lift from their shoulders. “This is not your doing. Luci requires a little extra attention.” She gently pulls Ciel aside, then lays her husband down.

He had waited patiently, so who was she to deny his release?

Ciel peeks in marvel as she kisses him up his jaw, her fingers gripping his cock securely and slowly pumping it while cooing.

“My dove?”

“Yes, honey?”

“Can you feel me?” With that, her free hand glides three fingers into his inviting hole, delicately pumping in and out. She receives no response; instead, Lucifer lets out a pitched whine, and he puffs out a strangled breath. To see someone as significant as him come undone so effortlessly made the familiar warmth of yearning pool in Ciel's gut.

“Are you paying attention?”

In their oblivious state, she fails to register the question, their mind preoccupied with the grandeur of the moment. Her laughter fills the air, quickening their heart with realization. A rush of warmth floods their cheeks as they finally comprehend the implications of the words. With an impish glint in their eye, Ciel teasingly inches closer to her, their movements slow and deliberate, like a predator closing in on its prey.

How ironic.

Hearts race with excitement at the audacity of their actions. “Whatever for, your majesty?” With a charming smile, the queen leans closer, almost meeting lips for another kiss. How she wishes she could taste her once more, the flavor forever grained into her mind. This was no mistake. She is thankful for the rumors, the yearly gala, and the chance to savor such a delight.

The air surrounding them thickens as Lucifer moans once more before cumming, and the sticky remnants drip from her fingers as she brings them up to Ciel's mouth. They do not hesitate to suck, and the taste is as sweet as hers. Heavenly.

“Why for our next rendezvous, of course.”

Author's Note: thank you so much for reading ! If anyone is here for an update on my Alastor fic I'll be working on it soon enough! Let me know if anyone wants a variant version where it's x gn reader. much love! p.s my ask box is open pls come talk with me.

[localvoidcat]

FUCK YOU MANDELA! IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO BUY A TV THIS WEEKEND, YOU'RE A DUMB ENOUGH SHMUTZ TO MANDELATECH! BAD DEALS, TVS THAT BREAK DOWN, THIEVES! IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO FIND A BARGAIN AT MANDELATECH, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS! IT'S YOUR BELIEF THAT YOU'RE SUCH A STUPID MOTHERFUCKER THAT YOU'LL FALL FOR THIS BULLSHIT GUARANTEED! IF YOU FIND A BETTER DEAL, YOU CAN SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS, YOU HEARD US RIGHT, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS! BRING YOUR RADIO, BRING YOUR TAPES, BRING YOUR WIFE, WE'LL FUCK HER! THAT'S RIGHT WE'LL FUCK YOUR WIFE! BECAUSE AT MANDELATECH, YOU'RE FUCKED SIX WAYS TO SUNDAY! TAKE A HIKE TO MANDELATECH! HOME OF CHALLENGE PISSING, THAT'S RIGHT, CHALLENGE PISSING. HOW DOES IT WORK? IF YOU CAN PISS 6 FEET IN THE AIR STRAIGHT AND NOT GET WET, YOU GET NO DOWN PAYMENT. DON'T WAIT, DON'T DELAY, DON'T FUCK WITH US OR WE'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF! ONLY AT MANDELATECH, THE ONLY TECH STORE THAT TELLS YOU TO FUCK OFF. HURRY UP, ASSHOLE! THIS EVENT ENDS THE MINUTE YOU WRITE US A CHECK AND IT BETTER NOT BOUNCE OR YOU'RE A DEAD MOTHERFUCKER. GO TO HELL. MANDELATECH, MANDELA'S FILTHIEST AND EXCLUSIVE HOME OF THE MEANEST SONS OF BITCHES IN THE STATE OF WISCONSIN, GUARANTEED!!

[totallyjazzed]

FUCK YOU MULTIVERSE!

IF YOU'RE DUMB ENOUGH TO LIVE ON ANOTHER PLANE THIS WEEKEND, YOU'RE A BIG ENOUGH SHMUCK TO COME TO BIG MOM NORN'S TREE.

MONSTERS! ARMIES THAT DON'T STAY DOWN! OIL!

IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO FIND FREEDOM AT BIG NORN'S, YOU CAN KISS MY ASS!

IT'S OUR BELIEF THAT YOU'RE SUCH AN IMPERFECT MOTHERFUCKER THAT YOU'LL FALL TO OUR BULLSHIT, GUARANTEED!

IF YOU FIND A BETTER PLANE, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS, YOU HEARD US RIGHT, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!

BRING YOUR TRADE, BRING YOUR TITLE, BRING YOUR WIFE, WE'LL COMPLEAT HER, THAT'S RIGHT, WE'LL COMPLEAT YOUR WIFE!

BECAUSE AT BIG MOM NORN'S, YOU'RE FUCKED SIX WAYS FROM SUNDAY!

TAKE A HIKE TO BIG MOM NORN'S!

HOME OF CHALLENGE PLANESWALKING, THAT'S RIGHT, CHALLENGE PLANESWALKING!

HOW DOES IT WORK? IF YOU CAN PLANESWALK SIX SPHERES INTO PHYREXIA AND NOT GET COMPLEATED, YOU GET TO KEEP YOUR FREE WILL!

DON'T WAIT, DON'T DELAY, DON'T FUCK WITH US OR WE'LL RIP YOUR NUTS OFF!

ONLY AT BIG MOM NORN'S, THE ONLY PRAETOR THAT TELLS YOU TO FUCK OFF!

HURRY UP ASSHOLE!

THIS EVENT ENDS THE MINUTE YOU GIVE US YOUR SPARK, AND IT BETTER NOT BOUNCE OR YOU'RE A DEAD MOTHERFUCKER!

GO TO HELL!

BIG MOM NORN'S TREE!

THE FAIR BALISICA' FILTHIEST AND EXCLUSIVE HOME OF THE MEANEST SONS OF BITCHES IN THE PLANE OF PHYREXIA, GUARANTEED!

[oceanfellaandthebird]

I’ve been thinking about the new hermit permit office Grian had made in his latest episode, but I’ve also had the Big Bill’s Hells copypasta stuck in my head for the past day. They started combining and now I have made this:

Screw you, Shopping District!

If you need to make a new permit this weekend, you're desperate enough to come to The Hermit Permit Office!

Bad service! Doors that break down! Snails!

If you think you're gonna replace a lost permit at Hermit Permits, you can kiss my crack!

It's our belief that you don’t need to rework a permit entry, so you'll leave us alone! Guaranteed!

If you find a replacement permit, shove it up to the magic mountain! You heard us right, shove it up to the magic mountain!

Bring your fish, bring your horse, bring your wife! We'll file her! That's right, we'll file your wife’s permit in one of the cabinets!

Because at Hermit Permits, your paperwork is filed six ways from Sunday!

Take a forest hike to Hermit Permits, home of challenge fishing! That's right, challenge fishing!

How does it work? If you can fish a hermit six feet in the air straight up and not kill them, you get no legal advice!

Don't wait, don't delay, don't mess with us, or we'll rip your lighthouse apart!

Only at Hermit Permits, the only government building that annoys you to make you leave!

Hurry up, buttercup! This event ends the minute after you write us a form, and it better not be inaccurate or you'll get blown up by TNT!

We sometimes help! The Hermit Permit Office: Hermitcraft's laziest and exclusive home of the meanest Bad Boy (TM) in the state of The Neighbourhood! Guaranteed!

I’m not sure whether this is amazing or terrible, but I’ll let you be the judge of that.

[openingversion]

FUCK YOU BRIGHT FALLS!

If you're a dumb enough schmuck to come to Deerfest this weekend, you're a dumb enough schmuck to come to Cauldron Lake!

Shit coffee! Water to drown in! Taken!

If you think you're gonna have a nice vacation at Cauldron Lake, you can kiss my ass!

It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit! Guaranteed!

If you find a better lake, shove it up your ugly ass! You heard us right, shove it up your ugly ass!

Bring your art, bring your typewriter, bring your wife! We'll drown her! That's right, we'll drown your wife!

Because at Cauldron Lake, you're drowned six ways from Sunday!

Take a hike to Cauldron Lake, home of challenge writing! That's right, challenge writing!

How does it work? If you can write a manuscript detailing your escape out of The Dark Place, and not have it scratched out by the Dark Presence, you have a chance at getting out!

Don't wait, don't delay, don't fuck with us, or we'll turn you into taken!

Only at Cauldron Lake, the only lake that tells you to fuck off!

Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a manuscript, and it better not have light in it or you're a dead motherfucker!

Go to hell! Cauldron Lake: Bright Fall's filthiest and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches in Pacific Northwest! Guaranteed!

[tarotcard0]

Fuck You, Nintendo Fans!

If you're a dumb enough asshole to play a Mario Party clone this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Dokapon Kingdom!

Cheating AI!

Spells that don't work!

Thieves!

If you think you're gonna have fun playing Dokapon Kingdom, you can KISS MY ASS!

It's our belief that your such a stupid mother fucker, that you'll fall for this bullshit.

GUARANTEED

If you find a better game: Shove it up your ugly ass!

You heard us right:

SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!

Bring your friendships!

Bring your good controllers!

Bring your Dad; We'll fuck him! That's right; we'll fuck your Dad! (With RNG)

Because in Dokapon Kingdom, you're fucked six ways from Sunday!

Take a hike! To Dokapon Kingdom! Home of the Destroy Friendship Any% Speedrun!

How does it work? If you can play with another human being for 30 minutes and not be at each others throats, you get no bitches!

Don't wait!

Don't delay!

Don't fuck with us or we'll rip your nuts off!

Only in Dokapon Kingdom! The only game that tells you to FUCK OFF!

Hurry up asshole!

Story Mode ends the minute you write us a check, and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker!

In Dokapon Kingdom! Nintendo's filthiest, and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches in the Nintendo Expanded Universe!

GUARANTEED!

[zeralight-asks]

FUCK YOU, BALTIMORE! If you're dumb enough to buy a new car this weekend, you're a big enough schmuck to come to Big Bill Hell's Cars. Bad Deals! Cars that break down!! Thieves!!! If you think that you're gonna find a bargain at Big Bill's, you can KISS MY ASS! It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit! GUARANTEED! If you find a better deal, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!! You heard us right, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!! Bring your trade, bring your title, bring your wife! We'll fuck her! That's Right! We'll fuck your wife! Because at Big Bill Hell's, you're fucked six way to Sunday! Take a hike to Big Bill Hell's! Home of challenge pissing! That's right, challenge pissing! How does it work? If you can piss 6 feet in the air straight up and not get wet, you get no down payment. Don't wait, don't delay. Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off! Only at Big Bill Hell's: The only dealer that tells you to FUCK OFF! Hurry up, asshole! This event ends the minute after you write us a check, and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker! GO TO HELL! Big Bill Hell's Cars: Baltimore's filthiest and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches of the state of Maryland. GUARANTEED!

[agrioxoiros]

FUCK YOU PORT FREE COMMERCE!

If you're dumb enough to man an expedition this cycle, you're a big enough schmuck to buy a Company bond!

Bad deals! Emergency beacons that break down! Rogues!

If you think that you're gonna find a bargain at The Company, you can kiss my ass! It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker, you'll fall for this bullshit! Guaranteed! If you find a better deal, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!! You heard us right, SHOVE IT UP YOUR UGLY ASS!!!

Bring your bots, bring your data, bring your wife! We'll hack her! That's Right! We'll hack your wife! Because at The Company, you're hacked six way from Sunday! Take a hike to The Company! Home of challenge surveying! That's right, challenge surveying! How does it work? We send a murderous survey team to the planet with you and if you survive, you get no down payment. Don't wait, don't delay. Don't fuck with us, or we'll rip your nuts off! Only at The Company: The only contractor that tells you to fuck off! Hurry up, asshole! This event starts the minute after you write us a check, and it better not bounce or you're a dead motherfucker! Go to hell!

The Company: Port Free Commerce's filthiest and exclusive home of the meanest sons of bitches in the Corporation Rim. Guaranteed!

[ishouldbuyasword]

Fuck you, Martinaise!

If you're dumb enough to look in the mirror this morning, you're a big enough schmuck to play Disco Elysium!

Liver failure! Cars that crashed somehow! Racists!

If you think you're going to find redemption in Disco Elysium

You can kiss my ass!

It's our belief that you're such a stupid motherfucker

You'll fall for this bullshit—guaranteed!

If you think you'll find a cyptid

Shove it up your ugly ass!

You heard us right!

Shove it up your ugly ass!

Bring your badge!

Bring your gun!

Bring your wife!

We'll fuck her! That's right!

We'll fuck your wife!

Because at Disco Elysium

You're fucked six ways from Sunday!

Take a hike—to Disco Elysium

Home of Challenge Sitting! That's right!

Challenge Sitting!

How does it work?

If you can sit in a normal folding chair for three minutes

And not start crying

You get 300 réal, shithead!

Don't wait! Don't delay! Don't fuck with us!

Or we'll shoot your nuts off!

Only at Disco Elysium!

The only game that tells you to fuck off!

Hurry up, asshole!

This event ends the minute after you roll this check

And it better not fail or you're a dead motherfucker!

Life is hell—Disco Elysium!

Jamrock's filthiest

And exclusive home of the meanest sons-of-bitches

In the state of Revachol—guaranteed!