#it was written as a reminder that toxic relationships and emotional abuse do not have an age cap

[selarina]

I love you so (I'll eat you whole)

→ Kuroo Tetsurou x Fem!Reader

Summary: Two individuals caught in a repetitive cycle of phone calls and conversations, each blaming the other for their constant and inescapable interaction.

Or as Tom Wambsgans once said, "I love you but you kill me, and I kill you.

Content Warning: Toxic Relationship, Rough Sex, Heavy Angst, Dubious Consent, Swearing, Emotional Hurt, Allusions to Substance Abuse, Jealousy, Smut, Mentions of Cheating, Power Dynamics, Spit Kink, Cunnilingus, Blow Jobs, Hand Jobs, Post-Break Up, Dom Kuroo Tetsurou, Switch Kuroo Tetsurou, Switch Reader, Crying, Dacryphilia, Unresolved Emotional Turmoil, MINORS DNI

Word Count: 3.3k words

Author's Note: This is possibly the most toxic, and filthy thing I have written. And will likely be the last. Enjoy.

Read on AO3

"If anything this is your fucking fault."

"What the fuck? You're the one who called me," you say, and it irritates him how you can be this nonchalant. How he's the one up and carding his hand through his hair and you're just sitting, your hands and mind focused on a fucking cigarette.

"You fucking picked up. Yo—You could have just not."

You turn, your brows cinched, your eyes seething and it almost makes him happy, and that thought alone is enough to make him feel a bit sick. 

"You are the one who called me," you say, accentuating every single word of that sentence.

"You always pick up. You could just not," he's repeating what he said and he thinks he could repeat it a thousand times and you still wouldn't understand.

"You're the one who's always calling. I do — Just stop."

Maybe he should, he thinks but it’s a fleeting thought. "I can't, and you know it," he says, his voice soft and a bit hoarse.

He sits down on the bed now, too tired to keep standing through this. His hand runs through his hair, he thinks anymore of this and he'll go bald — by stress or through pure frustration.

"You know it," he says, his voice comes out softer this time and you can tell he's tired. 

He looks up to you, and he can tell you're tired. Tired of him trying to fix this, whatever you two would call it, but not tired enough to end it on your own. He supposes that in a way he's nothing but a hypocrite — how can he expect this from you when he won't do it himself?

Your hands come up, the cigarette finally abandoned and your fingers run through his hair, and it reminds him of the last summer before college started. Your hands would card through his, just like this. You were gentler back then, treating him like a delicate doll, now you card through his hair like he's yours, still a doll but fervently yours through time.

"I know," you say, your voice comes off hushed. "I know, baby."

And just like that he sinks. Into your shoulder, and into your life. Once again. All over again.

He smiles as his hands loop around your naked waist. You flinch ever so slightly at his cold hand, and just for a moment he thinks that maybe he should take his hands off, find his discarded shirt, and his car keys, and never return.

But then he thinks of how it feels to sink into you like this, like he could fit all of himself right next to you. You're the missing piece of his puzzle. Or maybe he is yours, he can't tell anymore.

Your hands keep moving against his hair, back and forth, and back and forth. Sometimes it moves sideways, but it's been long enough for him to figure out a pattern so he nips at your neck, slowly but harshly, his teeth sink in as he pulls against your skin. 

You groan deeply, he feels it against the hand that sits on your waist. His hands tighten, he already knows that you won't pull away, but he can't help but pull you into him every single time because he knows this is fleeting, and he's grasping onto you while you're a dimly lit lantern that's waiting— no, palpitationing and aching to be set free.

Your hands are still gentle, even as he's pulling against your skin, you don't tighten into his hair. You never have, and so he kisses over the now visible bruise, and he's happy he can leave at least this on you. It makes him think that maybe all of this is not as fleeting as he thought. You carry the bruises for at least a week he realizes — all the love bites and the handprints.

He pulls back, his eyes narrow and you notice they're tinged with red, as though he cried but you know he didn't, you would've felt it. You look into your shoulders and still see no residual of tears.

His eyes stare back into yours when you look back up. They're muddled with a mix of frustration and just desire.

And for the first time today, your eyes show emotion. Other than pure fucking horniness, you feel love, it's a distant love, it's a love that doesn't exist but you feel it in this moment.

You draw yourself closer to him, and in one swift move, your lips are on his. You want to take this slow, like back in high school, when you treated each other with care and a brewing hint of fear, because you didn't want to break him and he didn't want to break you. 

You can't help but internally laugh at how you both have failed, so miserably at that.

You want to take it slow, but you fear Kuroo may have different plans. He starts nipping at your lips, and tries and tries to swallow you whole. You fight against it, but eventually, as always you give in, almost feeling blissful as you give in.

His arms bruise against your hip as he pulls you onto his lap, your thighs lodging themselves onto his thigh. 

You pull back, "Are you in love with her?"

This time he really laughs, "Like you'd ever let me." 

"I'm not stopping you," you say. Almost offended, but mostly relieved. You're really not stopping him.

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't know what to say, you aren't stopping him. In fact, the last time he called you, freshly broken up with his girlfriend, all because she knew — she knew you were the only one for his fucked up self, and she left. You told him to go back, to apologize, to make things right and he begged to stay, to sink into your arms, and you let him because you could try to hide it all you want but his eyes could convince you to do anything for him if you didn't look away, and that night he held your face in place, and there was nowhere else to look.

"I could never. I would never not love you. Fuck, I'm so in love with you it's driving me insane," he groans, and he means it.

You softly whimper at his confession and slowly melt in his arms, arms going around his shoulders as you hug him flush. He kisses the crevice of your neck, as his hands trace down back to your waist.

He puts a soft pressure that's enough to encourage you to do more. You move against him, softly but with each grind, he puts more force into it, and it has you whimpering into his neck.

"I hated that you started seeing her. I hated that she thinks she has the right to touch you" You moan.

"Yeah, baby? How much?" He groans too, because your moving knee is moving against his crotch.

"So much," you moan, the jealous fury consumes you, and consequently consumes him. You remember how she hung onto him in their latest Instagram picture and you pull your hands in tighter around his shoulders. 

You find solace in the fact that it's deleted. Gone. And the thought of that makes you sick. Somewhere down there, you know you're a terrible person. But also, somewhere down there, you feel like a teenage girl. Like the same teenage girl that met and fell for Tetsurou and all his odd charm, the same teenage girl that just won't let go, and you've long since known what happens to teenage girls in an adult world.

And then you pull back, and his eyes look up, a bit frantic, as his hands soften. He looks into your eyes, seeing if you want to back away, maybe this is the one time the two of you back away from each other.

But you've been here, and you've thought this one too many times to believe it, so you smile and push him back against the bed, with no force at all, but he knows as much to comply.

You don't waste much time, you pull his pants down, along with his underwear as your hands start moving up and down his cock. 

He groans, "Baby, please. Can you—" He's cut off by another groan as his hand comes to hide his face with his forearms.

You stop all at once, and he wants to die. You lean down, one hand still stroking his cock, and the other coming up. You take his hand covering his face and pull it above him, and he looks at your face, and you think you'll never see devotion like this, not from any man, not from any disciple to their God.

You don't hide your smile, it's anything but triumphant, it's sad really. Because you'll never find this anywhere else, not even with him, no matter how much you try and try again. He's not the same as you once were.

You move your hand away, cruelty on your part, as you fiddle with your bra instead as he lies in front of you, helpless as he watches and pleads with his eyes. It almost makes you want to never give in like you should get up instead, take your carefully folded clothes against the chair, and put your clothes on as you tell him to leave before you come back from your cigarette run.

But you don't, instead your bra snaps apart and you give in completely, no turning back after this.

But you didn't look down at him through all this, and somewhere in between your contemplation and fiddling. Kuroo Tetsurou decided that he's had enough of this. He wants—no, he needs more. He's strung up and he's never been more close to bursting through the streams.

And so he reaches for your waist as soon as your bra snaps apart. Your breasts barely get a second to breathe before he's coming up and lifting you off the bed and off of him, depositing you knees-first onto the cold tile of your room. 

You look up, ready to snap at him but you look up and he's standing. His cock hovering right above your face. Hard.

He gives you no warning before he smacks the meat of your cheek with his cock. A few heavy smacks hit your lips. The message is clear now as you part your lips, finally fully completely, and ardently giving into him. 

As your mouth encloses his cock, trying and trying to reach the hilt of his pubes. He realizes he has missed this the most out of all things. He has missed a show of devotion from you, something stronger than a mere Instagram caption. Something as vile as this — you choking on his cock while still looking at him starry-eyed, and for a second he could fool himself into believing it's all okay. Like you love him as you always have, and the worst part is, you think you do, you think it is he who has changed.

He doesn't get to dwell on this, not when you're like this. You may be on the floor, but with you, like this, he feels so much beneath you in the basest way describable. 

You pull away, your eyes teary and your lips swollen. "Come for me," you say, your voice hoarse but still commanding, and who was he to deny your command? So, like a mere disciple, he comes.

He's catching his breath as he looks down, holding his heavy cock in one hand.

His hands come to your lips, knowing you have swallowed. You never do, not until you show him. Your mouth opens up, and he bends and spits into your mouth. 

His hands come to the side of your cheeks as he slaps twice consecutively. And then you swallow.

Seconds pass and the two remain as you are, trying to regain your breath. His hands come to wipe your tears, as his palm comes to caress your cheek and for the first time in 5 years, you softly lean into it. 

Tetsurou thinks he could cry, so he comes down to you, sits face to face, and says, "I love you. So much." 

There are tears, they haven't flown yet but you see it in his eyes and you hate it. You look away, but his hands come to bring your eyes back to him, he starts leaning in for a kiss, slowly this time like you wanted.

He softly nips against your lower lip, with no force this time. Taking his time as he moves his hand across your waist, and through your hair. 

Your hair, though, is tangled and stops his hands in your hair and when he pulls, it pulls your head down with his hand. 

"Fucking — Ouch!" You hit his hand away, as your hand comes to soothe your scalp.

"I'm so sorry, baby." He says, sincerely but then he starts chuckling.

You frown, but can't help but smile when you see the soft dents in his cheeks. You think they're less defined now, back in high school, they were like craters of the moon, hollow enough to hold water, you would tease. Now you think it would spill right out, holding perhaps two drops at most.

"Are you still seeing him?" He says, but he's sheepish and he looks away. He asked you this last time, actually — he threatened you to keep seeing him, as he kept fucking you that night — he told you to see him, that he would never compare. 

Only Tetsurou knows they were empty words, from an empty man. 

"Yeah," you say. But it barely matters to you, or the "him" Tetsurou is so worried about. "He" is your friend before he's your... well, more than friends, less than lovers, whatever you may call that. 

"Didn't take you for one to cheat," Kuroo says before he could stop himself.

"I would never," you say, a sudden surge of anger emerging, fighting against your weariness. "You know I would not," you say.

He does. You think you would break up with the person and go ahead and fuck them far before you would cheat on them. Kuroo thinks you're lovely and cruel like that, but mostly lovely.

You know you would only do that because you hated the burden of one's pain, the guilt of causing that pain. You've seen how it tore your family apart, no matter how much they tried. You groan internally, no point in picking at closed wounds.

"He's not my boyfriend, Kuroo," you say.

"You told me he was," he says, his brows cinching. 

"I never did," you say. He pauses and laughs cynically. Well, you're always careful with what you say and show, aren't you? 

"You never told me he wasn't either," he says.

"Makes no difference," you say.

"Yeah," he agrees. He came here, thinking you had a boyfriend. You let him in, knowing he had broken up with his girlfriend a while ago. You must be a better person, right? 

Looking into your eyes, he can't help but feel the need to disagree. You're kind and you're cruel, all at the same time somehow. But he's no less, so he forgoes the guilt in almost a swift minute, as he pulls you by your legs as lays you down on the cold floor.

You hiss as your back hits the floor. Kuroo's hand sweeps both of yours as he pulls it up above your head.

"Don't see him," he says. "I don't—" he pauses before he sighs. "Don't see him," he can't help but just repeat what he said.

"I'll consider it," you say. 

You won't, you decide at that moment. You'll leave Kuroo and you'll continue fucking your friend, and this will all be over because one day you'll wake up as a brand new person, and you'll find that you have the ability to love someone other than Kuroo Tetsurou.

You think he sees right through all of this as he starts removing your underwear, which soon after, joins his pile of clothes lying idle on the floor.

His hands cup your cunt, and his middle finger toying with your sore clit. You hiss, and he notices. He hasn't fucked you since he last saw you 2 months ago, so he knows. He knows. He thinks back to the clothes of men he saw, the ones you were folding away as you had just finished drying them when he arrived. You insisted that you will finish folding and placing them first. Not wanting to delay fucking you any further, he complied. Maybe he was too lost in his desire to get you like this, eyes half-lidded with tiredness and desire, but he missed the slew of clothing items that seemed like they belonged to a man.

The shift in his eyes with the newfound presence of iciness in his eyes starts getting to you, as you shrivel in, and start moving as his continued pressure builds.

You try to go quiet, without the support of your hands, as you notice you're the only one making noise. He's just looking at you, not a single word coming from his mouth. 

His fingers slip in, and he pumps in and out as you struggle more and more to keep quiet, and somewhere in between you give up. Moaning loud enough to know you might get a frustrating call from your neighbor.

He doesn't let you come though, and you don't know if this is comeuppance for not making him come before, or if this is frustration with your friend who's been getting the privilege to fuck you into your mattress all the while Tetsurou continued to drown himself in alcohol. 

He stops his ministrations, moving back, facing your open legs on his knees. He pulls your leg apart, lining his cock with your hole, Kuroo let out a breath as he slowly pushes himself in. 

It's not a tough fit, what with you already dripping all over yourself for him. 

Those first few seconds always felt so fucking good, blowing his mind each time, and before you could even take the warning, he dragged his cock almost fully out of you and then pushed back in, quickly and harshly. 

After a few quick and intense thrusts, he picked up a brutal pace, forcing her to take him as deep as possible each time, and each time he moved out and back in, you moaned louder, tears dripping out of your eyes as he watched you in your basest form. He thinks he's never loved you more, knowing he couldn't be more wrong.

“Was he as good as me, baby?” Kuroo growls, to cover up the fact that it's a plea. He needs to know. It would kill him if he doesn't hear it from you, he thinks.

He continues fucking into you so harshly that you kept scooting further up the floor. “Tell me, baby. Please."

You look into his eyes, and worry when you see your watery eyes, match his own.

"No one," you moan. "No one is as good as you." 

He thinks he can finally breathe now. "Good girl," he says, a soft smile on his face, his pace slows down as he bends down to kiss your forehead.

You can't help but smile, just a little.

He comes back up and picks up his pace. He thinks that he could do anything to you right now, and you would accept it like the good girl you were. 

His girl, he can't help but think wistfully.

He bends down again and starts kissing you, softly and harshly all at once, before he comes into you.

You don't let him go, even when he's done, and lying next to you on the cold floor. His eyes flit to the discarded clothes. He doesn't want to, but he thinks he should reach for them. See how you would react, and think of what happens from there but as he moves he finds his hand held softly in your grip. He could get out of it, and you know that. 

He grips your hand. He understands. 

[ahundredtimesover]

The Light of Dead Stars (Series Masterlist) | KSJ

Pairing: Seokjin x (f.) Reader; side Seokjin x (f.) OC; side Reader x Namjoon

Genre/Tags: arranged marriage, fake romance, boss/workmate aus; angst, drama, fluff, smut; slow burn

Series Warnings: past toxic relationships (emotional/psychological abuse, cheating); “approved” extra-marital relationship (Jin and OC are in an unconventional arranged marriage & this is not an infidelity au but if the perception of it between the MCs is triggering, please skip this one!); foul/explicit language; alcohol consumption; mentions of injury and non-serious sickness; fighting, tears, and drama; explicit sexual content (specific warnings stated per chapter) (18+)

Word count: 150k

Muse Moodboard | Setting Moodboard

Status: Complete

Series summary: Your unconventional arranged marriage with your company’s President, Kim Seokjin, is necessary, practical, and simple - both your families benefit, and he minds his own business and so do you. But when a slip-up causes his parents to believe that you and he are in love, you have no choice but to pretend you are, especially with the trip to France for his brother’s wedding coming up. When you get back to Seoul, things start to change, and Seokjin is faced with the most difficult decision he has to make.

A/N: I came across Dead Stars by Paz Marquez Benitez again recently (a 1925 short story written in English and a classic in Philippine literature), and I was reminded of how I’ve always wanted to capture a fraction of the essence of that story ever since I read it in high school. But I sort of flipped it on its head and came up with this! My hand also slipped so lots of things happen. And given that I finished watching Business Proposal before I started writing and since I have no knowledge of the food production industry or the corporate world in general, several terms and elements were taken from that show (but it’s a completely different story). So please, don’t mind the inaccuracies! Jin has also been a menace 😈 recently so this was incredibly fun and satisfying to write. I hope you enjoy! 🥰🥰

Love–he seemed to have missed it. Or was the love that others told about a mere fabrication of perfervid imagination, an exaggeration of the commonplace, a glorification of insipid monotonies such as made up his love life? 

Prologue (2.3k)

Chapter 01 (9.4k)

Chapter 02  (9.7k)

Chapter 03 (9.8k)

Chapter 04 (8k)

Chapter 05 (10.6k)

So all these years–since when?–he had been seeing the light of dead stars, long extinguished, yet seemingly still in their appointed places in the heavens.

Chapter 06 (12k)

Chapter 07 (9.9k)

Chapter 08 (10.6k)

Chapter 09 (12.3k)

Chapter 10 (12.6k)

Chapter 11 (13.1k)

Chapter 12.1 (9.5k)

Chapter 12.2 (9.8k)

Epilogue (10.5k)

#Extras:TLODS

masterlist

[rekaspbrak]

thanks to my rewatch of Loki I’ve just been reminded how much I’m annoyed by (mostly) fellow Lokius shippers that insist Sylvie is problematic, abusive, toxic, rude to Loki and that she only used Loki for her own gain.

(And that’s coming from a person who also enjoys Lokius and I’m tired of fellow shippers pretending it’s not misogyny when it actually clearly is)

Are we really in any position to claim any of that when Mobius did the exact same if not even worse things to Loki?

Whether you want to acknowledge it or not, Loki was indeed used by him. The sole reason why Loki is alive, the sole reason why Mobius recruited Loki was for his own benefit. He needed to apprehend the variant that posed a threat to the stability of the multiverse and was eliminating their forces. Coming across Loki was a happy accident and in it, he saw the opportunity to finally capture that variant. Sure, he might have been fascinated by Loki’s nature and perhaps even harbored hopes that this partnership might work out for him even better than anticipated, but the main and primary reason why he even recruited him was to use him.

In fact, he explicitly stated in subsequent episodes that if Loki refused to cooperate, he wouldn't hesitate to prune him. He warned Loki that his survival hinged upon his willingness to comply.

He can be ruthless and manipulative to get what he wants and will not hesitate to take any means necessary to reach his goal. Mobius was not reluctant to strike at Loki's most vulnerable areas.

He’s smart enough to identify Loki’s weaknesses, and one of them is his affection for his mother. When he told him Loki killed his mother, while not entirely incorrect since Frigga’s death was an unintentional consequence of Loki’s actions, he aimed to shatter Loki emotionally and provoke a reaction. It's a classic tactic of emotional manipulation designed to coerce Loki into compliance.

He used a similar strategy in episode 4 where he deceived Loki, manipulated him into thinking that Sylvie, someone Mobius suspected Loki had grown close to, had been killed.  Then, he proceeded to taunt Loki, who was visibly distressed by his lies, all in an effort to provoke a response from him.

The finale made it evident that Mobius lacks physical combat skills, rendering him incapable of directly engaging in fights. Therefore, to gain an advantage over Loki, Mobius relies on identifying his vulnerabilities and exploiting them.

He can use the TimeTwister for when Loki misbehaves and controls him like a dog, or, he can throw him in a memory loop cell, subjecting him to both verbal and physical abuse for an indeterminate period, so basically someone else does that job for him.

That action in particular is something I noticed a lot of you tend to ignore. At this point, Mobius and Loki had already formed a camaraderie. It might not have been a full-fledged friendship just yet, but they were clearly on their way to becoming friends. Mobius was hurt that Loki decided to stab him in the back and destroy his trust in him by doing the exact thing he shouldn’t - running off with the Variant, even if that was for a good cause.

For Loki, Mobius risked a great deal: his own job, the friendship and trust of Ravonna, the trust placed in him and even Ravonna by the Time Keepers, and possibly even his own life. He had enough faith in Loki to believe that Loki wouldn't betray him and run off at the first opportunity.  And Loki betrayed that trust when he went after the mysterious Variant.

When Loki and Sylvie were captured by the TVA, it wasn’t jealousy that Loki had feelings for Sylvie that drove him (even though we like to headcanon that, we have to keep in mind Loki and Mobius’ relationship wasn’t written as romantic). Instead, it was his anger and resentment that stemmed from placing so much trust in Loki, only to have him do the very thing Mobius had believed he wouldn't.

Then, despite the fact that there was already some camaraderie between them, and despite the fact that Loki genuinely meant well, Mobius in his anger, completely dismissed the possibility of Loki being honest with him. He outright declared that he no longer needed Loki and, to make matters worse, he threw him into the Time Loop cell where he knew Loki would endure repeated instances of physical assault.

I know that some of you like to argue, “oh, well at least he didn’t choose a worse memory! He clearly cares about him then!” but honestly, that’s just very questionable and just....uh?

The reason Mobius selected that memory was because he knew Lady Sif would inflict repeated physical pain upon Loki and because of what Lady Sif says to him during that loop. She hurls insults at him, calling him a "conniving, craven, pathetic worm" and that he deserves to be alone for the rest of eternity.

Mobius made the conscious decision to throw Loki into the Time Loop cell, despite the budding friendship between them, despite the budding trust, despite everything that happened and was perfectly fine with that.

It wasn't because Mobius was manipulated by the TVA or forced to do this; he did it of his own accord. He chose to punish Loki and because he wanted to use him, break him to extract info out of him. Because he refused to believe Loki’s words.

I’m shocked that so many of you overlook that and pretend it didn’t happen, because as much as I love Mobius and their dynamic, what Mobius did in that particular episode alone was more severe than anything Sylvie did to Loki throughout the entire season.

In the span of a few minutes, Mobius:

insulted Loki, called him an asshole, bad friend and compared him to a cockroach

mocked his feelings to provoke him

lied to him that someone Loki cared about had been killed, manipulating his emotions for a reaction

despite Loki’s genuine intentions, he refused to listen to him

he bluntly stated that Loki was no longer of any use to him 

he threw Loki into a place where he would endure physical, verbal, and emotional abuse, intentionally subjecting him to suffering

through his actions, Mobius reinforced the idea that Loki deserves to be alone, (just as Loki was in the process of forming actual, meaningful relationships with at least two people; Mobius and Sylvie, Mobius goes and punishes Loki by reminding him he deserves to be alone)

and despite all of that, he still expected Loki to provide him with information, meaning he did all of that because he still intended to use him for his own benefit

Eventually, Mobius did go on a bit of a personal investigation and discovered that Loki had been telling the truth. However, by the time he discovered the truth, the damage had already been done, and Loki had already been hurt.

In short, he made a conscious decision to hurt Loki in every way imaginable to get what he wanted. 

The series showed that Mobius was aware that there was a possibility that Loki might be telling the truth. However, his anger, stubbornness and unwavering certainty in his own righteousness blinded him from considering the possibility that Loki could be right.

Again, I like Mobius very much and I like Lokius as well, but jesus christ guys, some of you need to take a step back from solely blaming Sylvie as the worst person ever when Mobius did the exact same things. If not even worse, because unlike Mobius, Sylvie at least never manipulated Loki into thinking his feelings were invalid, never claimed that his mother had died because of him, never tricked him into believing that someone he cared about had been murdered.

Sylvie never subjected Loki to a memory loop filled with continuous verbal insults reminding him that he is oh, just the worst and that he deserves the life of loneliness for the rest of eternity, all the while he also suffered physical pain.

You’re free to have personal preferences and to dislike a ship or a character, but for the love of Lord stop claiming Sylvie is abusive and toxic and what not, when our own ship is just as flawed if not even more flawed. 

Sylvie did this, she did that, but where’s that same vitriol for Mobius? Why are you only coming after the woman? They both did bad shit that hurt Loki, but some of you only see Sylvie’s actions and pretend Mobius was nothing but supportive of Loki the entire time, which is wrong and disgusting. No, Mobius and Lokius is not better than Sylvie and Sylki and it’s time for some of you to accept that.

I like Mobius and I like Lokius but I’m tired of being called a misogynist because of some of you who cannot accept the fact that Mobius has committed and inflicted just as many (if not more) morally questionable things as Sylvie.

And the worst thing is that those who call this misogyny are actually right.

Mobius is a good, compelling character and will likely prove to be a good friend to Loki in Season 2, but he’s not innocent either. He can be manipulative. He can be horrible. He can be brutal to get what he wants. Yes, even to Loki.

Even Loki acknowledged that, so why can’t you?

[railingsofsorrow]

chapter III | admonitio

summary: “Why would you be a suspect, Doctor Valencia?” Agent Prentiss closed the file she had been reading for the past ten minutes to intertwine her fingers on top of the manila folder. Her eyes scanned Iris with a neutral expression. It made Iris so frustrated that she never let any emotion show. She could see — practically feel — Spencer's concern but Agent Prentiss was a huge question mark for her.  

“You don't have to call me that.” Iris looked away from her gaze. She hated it when people addressed her by her honorific. Yes, she was intimidated. How would she not be? “Iris is fine and I don't know, maybe because I've been stuck in here through the entire night and you don't tell me what's going on?” 

w.c: 2.4K

warnings/contents: language; interrogation; (implied) claustrophobia; toxic relationships; discussions of infidelity; discussions of domestic abuse; non-graphic violence (mentioned); blood; anxiety.

A/N: and the plot thickens. . .

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LETTERS — [1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9]

CHAPTERS — [1] [2] [3]

❝Admonitio❞

[n.] A WARNING.

The sounds in the interrogation room didn't reach her ears until a deep voice brought her back to reality. The first thing she was able to see clearly was a glass of water, small droplets traveled down the cup. The outline of her lips stained the glass and she could see it because of the reflection against the light.  

She had a sip of water a minute ago. Maybe an hour. Iris wasn't quite aware of how much time she had spent in that grey soulless room with two people entering and leaving. First, a blonde woman, Jennifer, who asked if she was okay and brought her the glass of water. Her voice reminded her of a soft blanket on a cold night. Secondly, Hotchner, who carried a stern expression with his brows pulled slightly. Iris didn't mean to think he wasn't gentle too, but she had watched enough crime shows to know there was a dynamic of good cop and bad cop and it was clear which was who from the two. 

The fluorescent lights made her head pang painfully. She had not slept or rested since the nightmare began. And she was thirsty, but she found herself unable to grab the glass of water right in front of her due to her shaky hands. She was sure that if she did, it would topple over the table and cause a mess. That was the last thing she needed to do in front of an FBI Agent.  

Agent Hotchner called her name one more time. 

"Sorry," Iris closed her hands into fists and slowly unclenched them. She felt less numb, but her brain wasn't cooperating as she would like. Focus, Iris. "Can you—can you repeat that? I wasn't... paying attention. I'm sorry." 

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"She's still in shock."  

"Of course she is! There is nothing more terrifying than walking into your home to find a threatening message written in... ugh, blood. This is so 1996." 

JJ frowned confused. "Why 1996?" 

Penelope let out a heavy sigh through the line. "Because, my beautiful and shiny friend, it was the year for Slasher movies. Now, I'm sure boy genius there can tell you all about the horror sub-genre later on but I have some news regarding Dr. Valencia." 

Rossi glanced at Spencer out of the corner of his eye, he still hadn't moved an inch from his position. He was too focused on the questioning to notice his name was being mentioned. The crossed arms and tensed shoulders weren't a strange body reaction during an investigation, but if there was one thing that Rossi could point out, it was that the kid's gaze kept glued to only one person ever since she arrived at the precinct. He wasn't sure why yet, but he would find out. 

"Go ahead, Garcia. Fill us in." Rossi requested, turning back to the discussion. 

“Yeah, so. Iris Adley Valencia. She has a BMed in Medical Studies and a PhD in Microbiology — giving you a run for your money, boy wonder — which is what she teaches at NSU. Oh, and look at that, she recently turned 31! Anyway—” 

“Recently?” Spencer piped in for the first time in a while. The three other people in the room gave him odd looks. He cleared his throat, shrugging. 

“... here's what's interesting. Mark Dawson is a hotshot lecturer. He travels all over the world to give lectures about genetics and stuff, besides working as a professor at NSU. Now, remember that I tell you that he's a hotshot, right? Well, I happen to have found out that his last name is actually very important. His mother is a retired successful lawyer and his dad, god bless him, worked in the same area. The whole family are huge investors in medical devices—” 

“Garcia, does he have anything to do with Iris?” 

“I'm getting there!” Penelope huffed about Rossi being impatient. “Okay, so as I was saying. His family is influential, he is influential... keep that in mind. Now, about Iris. She graduated early and kept studying all her life. She officially became a professor at NSU three years ago. But what I was getting at is that Iris and Mark were involved not very long ago. Engaged, actually. They actually became headlines on the news.” The incessant tapping of her keyboard echoed through the line.  

“There is no ring on her finger,” JJ observed, confused.  

“They broke it off, apparently. And Iris filed a report of domestic abuse against him a year ago, but she withdrew her charges. It never even became a case. But guys, she wasn't the only one. As of now, I have found four women who filed reports against Mark Dawson but it never moved forward.” 

“You think his family did something to cover it up.” JJ looked up when Spencer made the comment. 

“Most likely.” She sighed, mumbling something under her breath. “I've sent you the archived reports. I do not want to look at these pictures anymore. Aaaaand, one more thing. Fabian Helley. The kid went through hell ever since he entered NSU. There are pictures and videos in which he's being bullied by a group of guys. They are all over these kids' social media, it's like they don't even care!” 

“Was Iris involved in any way?” JJ asked, trying to find a reason for the cryptic message written in blood left on Iris Valencia's apartment door last night. 

“No, but she did appear in one of the videos asking the group to stop harassing Fabian. That's what I have for now, guys.” 

“Thank you, Pen.”  

“PG out.”  

Rossi sighed. “It doesn't make any sense for Helley to be on the run and then come back to make a direct threat towards Valencia. Not if she wasn't involved.” 

JJ nodded, “it doesn't seem like she turned a blind eye to it, either.”  

“According to Dawson's statement, we should investigate Helley because he was attached to Iris,” Rossi pondered as Hotch entered the room.  

Spencer watched as Iris nervously fidgeted on the other side of the two-way mirror. He couldn't imagine how uncomfortable she must have been feeling being interrogated through the entire night. She hadn't slept, or eaten anything.  

“Morgan and Prentiss are following the last address where Fitz’s credit card was used.” Hotch alerted them while pushing his phone back on his suit. His permanent frown deepened as he glanced at a distressed Iris on the other side of the room. “The place is one hour away from Valencia's neighborhood and the credit card was used ten minutes before in a grocery store. Helley didn't write that message.” 

“Someone left the flowers and the card to look like he did it,” Spencer concluded, folding his arms across his chest. His jaw clenched in anticipation.  

Hotch nodded, “we profiled that they are a team.” 

“They wouldn't split up right now,” Rossi added. 

“Exactly.” 

“You think someone is framing this kid?”  

“Framing or no framing, he is not innocent, as much as she believes that,” his attention drifts back to his vibrating cell phone. Prentiss popping up on the screen. “But someone is taking advantage of his outburst to use it in their favor.” 

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“Sorry to keep you waiting.”  

Iris blinked out of her daydream to watch two different people enter the interrogation room. A good-looking brunette dressed in a red tank top shirt and a dark blazer who was also at the university for the investigation a day prior, she couldn't remember her name. Honestly, Iris was too tired to be remembering people. And Spencer, who was wearing a light brown sweater vest on top of a white button-up. If Iris wasn't so exhausted she might have found that cute, especially because of the Converse as a choice for shoes. He's got a unique sense of style. 

However, the only thing in her mind was that there was a huge possibility that the FBI thought she was a suspect and that was why they had not let her go yet. She was telling the truth, but that didn't matter if they didn't think so. Should she request a lawyer? Should she stop talking? But she's telling the truth! She doesn't need a lawyer if she's telling the truth, right? And why would she even be a suspect— what if they thought she had made up the blood message at her door? Is that what they were thinking— 

“Do you need a minute?”  

She inhaled sharply, retracting her hands from the table as quickly as her spine straightened. Her brain was almost shortcut when the slightest of warmth approached her skin to touch her.  

Her therapist said that signs of trauma can manifest in different situations, even non-threatening ones. Post-traumatic stress disorder is a mental illness she has dealt with ever since the end of her last relationship. The symptoms she experiences may bring up a response in which she's not fully conscious of, like flinching.  

The innocent of touches from a stranger can drive Iris to have flashbacks running through her mind. Even if, consciously, Iris knew the person in front of her wouldn't purposely harm her. Especially because of his heartbroken gaze upon seeing her flinch.  

“I'm fine,” Iris replied to his question as the Agent beside him watched their exchange. “Sorry, I didn't get your name, Agent...” 

“Prentiss,” The brunette said with a small smile. Right, this must be Emily Prentiss. “We'd like to ask you a few questions if you don't mind.” 

“I've said everything I know about what happened, I'm sorry if it wasn't helpful—” 

Emily shook her head, “no, no, it was very helpful, but what we want to know is regarding Mark and Meredith's relationship.”  

Iris's dark brows pulled in confusion, “what do you mean? Meredith was part of his study group, that's all.” Relationship? What did that mean?  

Spencer and Agent Prentiss shared a glance, which made Iris shift in her seat uncomfortably. What did they know that she didn't? Iris had to stop herself from thinking the wildest things.  

“So they met each other in this study group? As well as Fabian Helley?” 

“Yes.” 

“Was he her professor in any other classes?” 

“No. Only in the study group. What... What is this about?” Iris was antsy for being out of the loop. What were they insinuating? “Look, I know I'm a suspect and I understand that you're trying to investigate the people around me but—” 

“Why would you be a suspect, Doctor Valencia?” Agent Prentiss closed the file she had been reading for the past ten minutes to intertwine her fingers on top of the manila folder. Her eyes scanned Iris with a neutral expression. It made Iris so frustrated that she never let any emotion show. She could see — practically feel — Spencer's concern but Agent Prentiss was a huge question mark for her.  

“You don't have to call me that.” Iris looked away from her gaze. She hated it when people addressed her by her honorific. Yes, she was intimidated. How would she not be? “Iris is fine and I don't know, maybe because I've been stuck in here through the entire night and you don't tell me what's going on?” 

“You haven't asked for a lawyer.” 

Spencer gave his coworker a glare as his jaw clenched. This had been a bold comment. Emily likes playing games during questioning, he knows that, but he’d really rather she wouldn't be like that today.  

Iris's lips parted. They stayed like that, staring at each other in stunned silence for quite some time until Spencer cleared his throat. 

“I didn't think I needed one,” Iris confessed. “I'm— I'm telling you the truth.” 

“Then how come you haven't mentioned anything about Mark's extracurricular activities?”  

Two pictures were placed in front of her. Then two more.  

Iris clenched her hands and unclenched them several times. 

“Do you know what this is, Iris?” 

“Emily,” Spencer said quietly, a warning, carefully watching Iris’ reaction. She didn't know. She didn't know any of this. 

“Were you aware that your fiancee was having an affair with one of your students?” Emily pointed at a picture of a red-haired girl and a dirty blonde guy too close to be friends. Those images weren't blurred, on the contrary, the resolution was so fucking good that Iris wanted to burn her eyes out. “Did those study group sessions last a whole night sometimes?” 

Iris shook her head, standing up from the chair at once as she started pacing through the room.  

“How many times has he lied to you, Iris?” Emily carried on, ignoring Spencer's nagging at her side. “How many times did he say he was somewhere when he actually wasn't?” 

“You can stop.” Iris snapped, rubbing her eyes harshly as she tried to get a grip on herself. She couldn't. Not right now. She needed to get out. The room was too small and closed for her liking. “You think I'm trying to defend him?” She turned towards the BAU Agent with an edge to her tone. Iris didn't know whether she wanted to cry or scream. “I'm not. I have no reason to. This— What does this have anything to do with the blood on my fucking apartment door? You think my ex-fiance's infidelity is connected to someone who's threatening me? Or, better yet! To the mass poisoning that I thought is what you were here for. Why on earth are you asking me about Mark of all people?” 

“We think he might have a connection to Fabian and Meredith.”  

Both spun around to look at Spencer, who walked right into the line of fire. He was extremely uncomfortable with the tension rising each second, but he wasn't so sure it was wise to interrupt it. Emily was the one giving him a warning look now. 

She's not responsible for any of this. He tried to tell her with his eyes. He knew it from the start. Call it a gut feeling, but his intuition was 95% of the time correct, he wouldn't stop trusting his judgment now.  

Iris Valencia was innocent and he would make sure to dig out anything that proved that. 

“Reid.” 

“He may be targeting you and using the situation as a cover-up—” 

“Reid,” Emily insisted in exasperation just as someone barged into the room.  

A woman with long blonde hair held the door open, glaring at both of the Agents as Iris gave her a dumbstruck look. “Not another word, Iris.”  

“And who are you?” Emily straightened herself, eyes narrowing at the intruder interrupting their questioning. 

“Imogen Dawson.” The woman responded, crossing her arms. She was impatiently waiting for Iris to follow her, but she was stuck in the same corner of the room as if she had seen a ghost. “Iris's lawyer. She's coming with me."

Emily's brows shot up in recognition. She glanced at Spencer from the corner of her eye, mouthing "Dawson?"

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A/N: a little tension btw iris and emily (my favourite part to write because I love her playing bad cop in cases)  

taglist: @lilyviolets ; @chayceschultz ; @cultish-corner ; @lover-of-books-and-tea ; @theonecalledrue

[downbytheriversside]

something you think that's underrated (show, music, ship, habit, animal, absolutely anything. can be multiple/a list. go wild)

Oh get ready to be here a while here we fuckin go...

Wind. It reminds me what it's like to be alive

Matt Maltese. Sad boy music that's so so good and makes me feel so much pain and catharsis. Also a lot of his songs are byler/Mike coded. You deserve an Oscar, shoe, everyone adores you, outrun the bear (byler will pov), as the world caves in, strange time (its second or third line is literally "and we'll both gladly lose our minds LIKE!!). Also paper thin hotel is tom wambsgan's song, and tom wambsgan's alone.

Lucas GODDAMN Sinclair. Need I say more? Doesn't matter cus I'm gonna- I genuinely believe he's the best written and performed character in the whole show, he's my sweet child ray of sunshine I love him dlfkgkfdn and he would NOT be the same without what Caleb brings to the table in his performance. And since day ONE he fucking ATE I keep putting EMPHASIS on so many WORDS but I digress. I do understand the problems with some of his writing which sucks but he is still incredible and you can tell that Caleb cares so much about him which I always love to see

The oh hellos album dear wormwood. Omg. Omfg. It's fucking TRANSCENDENT. ANYONE READING THIS WHO HAS GONE THROUGH/IS GOING THROUGH A TOXIC OR ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP OF ANY KIND LISTEN TO THIS IT IS SO HEALING. Not only is it cathartic asf but it depicts the anger and regret and pain and resignation and fucking every emotion under the sun that you experience in those kinds of relationships. And just how connected all of the songs are. The album itself is a loop, seriously. The last part of Thus Always to Tyrants (the final song on the album) leads right into the beginning of Prelude. And while we're on the subject of thus always to tyrants can we talk about how fucking impactful it is to end the album on that note? On a bittersweet toast to the people who hurt us because there is no getting rid of what they did, only making yourself stronger from it and healing?!!? About the notion that what they did was terrible but that is something you'll never forget because you can't but you're moving on to better things, wondering if they will change/have changed from who you knew them as?!??! ARE YOU FUCKNG KIDDING ME!!!!! AND just how connected the lyrics and melodies are in all of the songs. I've listened to the whole album easily over a hundred times and I still notice new lines that relate to each other or when bg melodies in one song are the main motif (?) of another. You can tell how much care and thought and love and emotion was put into its creation and I love it so so so much. Also if you dear reader do not want to spend 40 min listening to the album please please please just listen to Pale White Horse and Where is Your Rider. Oh. My. Fucking. God. Jesus fuck these songs. I'm just typing about them and I got chills like. I'm not joking at all when I say these songs actually changed my life. And the interconnectedness of them (sorta like a horse and its rider?) is just so special. They're whole fucking experiences to listen to and I will never get tired of it. Aaaaaaaahhh I wanna keep talking about this album but we'd be here for a long long long time but I might make a post about it if anyone was actually interested on my music blog @lyricsdumblikethelinoleumfloor at some point so. Stick around for that ?

Forehead kisses. We need more of those pls

Sincerity. For the love of the night sky. BE EARNEST! BE SINCERE!! BE GENUINE I WILL FUCKING STAB YOU-

Little thumb rubs while holding hands

My mutuals all of you deserve love and appreciation and tenderness every one of you fuckers I love you all <33333

Cucumbers. Shit fucks

LIBRARIES! Please if you can visit your local library, it'll be so lovely I prommy

Humans committing to silly bits together. And just like building off of each other's energy. One of the most beautiful things I have ever witnessed and that I'm so grateful to have experienced

Introspection. For the love of fuck pleaaaase more people need this. Everyone needs to practice introspection idc just do it it's not some shameful act it just helps you grow

Peach flavoured things. They're yummy 😋

My ever growing gnome figurine collection pretty underrated imo kinda flying under the radar imho

Burger King foot lettuce

Laying on the floor and doing nothing. 10/10 activity honestly. Especially when you're in a sun spot shit fucks

And that's m'list! Glad you made it to the end, sorry for the long post

[hoebaring]

Open Books (36) | Kim Namjoon

An unpredicted switch of journals brings two strangers close. Strangers with similarly perturbing experiences, and beautifully healing souls. Abused, bullied, and traumatized, they help each other, and those around them break away from similar experiences, heal and grow gracefully. With thoughtful emotions, and ever growing minds, Y/n and Namjoon are delicate heroes.

They understand the best in each other, and the worst, like open books.

Tags/Warnings :- Child abuse, domestic violence, traumatized characters, bullying, self harm, mentions of toxic relationships, angst. I know it's dark but trust me it gets better! namjoonXreader, Namjoon and Y/n, A slow burn romance, fluff, strangers to friends, strangers to lovers, self love, healing, etc.

Cross posted on Wattpad

Written by Author G

Word count :- 645 Words

Masterlist   Previously Next

~A New Start~

This was a new start indeed, considering the fact that as Namjoon sits on the bed in the new dorm, his journal placed on his lap as the tip of the pen touches the page, it imprints heartwarming memos from the last few weeks, unlike the previous entries in the diary.

The colorful images that replay themselves in the depths of his thoughts are described dreamily on the trusted paper, a small smile present on Namjoon's face the more he dwells on the thoughts. Right from the first meet of theirs in the clocktower, to the meaningful conversations they would have on their evening breaks, the wind swaying the trees around them gently, as if nature herself knew that the fondness hidden behind those moments were sweet enough to help the trees drift off to sleep.

Soon, the subtle differences between his platonic thoughts, and romantic feelings come into scene, and he laughs at it, penning his way through the journal, recall that fated moment on the bus when the first sliver of those emotions presented themselves.

The excitement that the flutter of his heart brings when he thinks of the cute, yet awkward moments with her, slowly evolves into something more calm, and peaceful when he is reminded of how being around Y/n makes him feel safest. Maybe that's why he hasn't found the need to write in his diary ever since he returned from Seoul with Dahee. The realisation that she had turned out to be much more than just a friend hits him with a pleasant blow.

She is the only one who knows his thoughts inside out, be it the silliest of them or the most pensive, she knows them all. Every chapter, every page, every line, she knew him.

So, why shouldn't she know of how he feels about her then?

What was it that was stopping him from pouring his heart out to the very girl who knew him like an open book?

She never made him feel insecure, so why does he think his feelings towards her would make her do so?

He doesn't know.

All he knows is that he trusts her with all of his heart, and that's all that matters.

As Namjoon continues to pour his thoughts out into his journal, ever so absorbed in the self - reflection he was receiving from it, Seok-Jin walks into the dorm, a can of soda in his hand as he greets Namjoon with a casual 'hey!', only to be unconsciously ignored by the younger lad.

"Hellooo" Jin comically sings as he sits down next to him to get his attention, succeeding only after he taps Namjoon on the shoulder gently.

"Seok-Jin ssi! I didn't hear you come in" Namjoon exclaims with a small smile to which Jin rolls his eyes, before asking him what he was doing.

"Ahh. Just writing.."

"Lyrics? Wanna show me?" Jin assumes to which Namjoon shakes his head 'no' with a quick laugh.

"They're not lyrics, no" The bright smile on Namjoon's face slowly turns into one that looks grateful once he is hit with a thought. "But.. that would work, wouldn't it?"

"What would work?" Jin asks confusedly once he notices a shade of red painting his friend's face.

"No. Nothing Jin-ssi" Namjoon quickly dismisses the question with a smile as he gets up from the bed, journal and pen in his hand.

"Ok, if you say so" He doesn't stress on the conversation, understanding that his friend didn't want to talk about it right now.

"I'm heading out for a walk. See you later!" Namjoon says, stepping out the main door once Jin replies with a hum.

It may work.. it may not. But Namjoon doesn't seem to care about that. All he wants for now is to try. And he would give it his all.

[officialvoiceofgenerationx]

Get To Know Me!

I was born in 1969. My parents were both born in 1947. They were never happy together and only got married because my mom was pregnant. My dad went to Vietnam when I was a baby.

I grew up in a very small town. We were working poor and there was some violence in the house - not much more than was normal at the time. I was a latchkey kid, watched a lot of TV, did a lot of vandalism and shoplifting. I did really bad at school, mainly because I didn't care. I was what was called an "art fag", and got bullied pretty much constantly.

I started drinking when I was 15, and was showing signs of severe alcoholism within a year or so. I started experiencing episodes of major depression around then. I got into punk rock and what was called "college rock" - Husker Du, the Replacements, Black Flag, Circle Jerks, REM, Sonic Youth, some of the DC hardcore stuff, but not Straightedge, which I thought was idiotic, Butthole Surfers, Pussy Galore, Gaye Bykers On Acid, Bongwater. I was into Nirvana, like everybody, but more into the female grunge bands and riot grrrl - Babes In Toyland, 7 Year Bitch, Bikini Kill, Team Dresch.

My alcoholism and depression got worse in the 90's. I can honestly say Cobain's suicide kept me alive - I had a shotgun but I thought that if I used it, people would think I was copying him, an idea I found disgusting. I got clean/sober in 1998.

I was in an abusive relationship when I got sober. She tried to physically abuse me, but I could defend myself against physical violence. I could not defend myself against mental and emotional abuse. We broke up repeatedly - for the last time in 2001. I was in a few relationships after that, some of which were less toxic than others. I decided to quit the relationship shitshow after my kid was born in 2009.

Parental responsibilities, work, chronic depression and the struggle to keep a roof over my head took up a decade or so.

Now I find myself in my 50's. My kid just started high school. I'm buying a house. I have two cats and I make art every day. I'm in a noisey free improv band. My job sucks.

The world I grew up in was a nightmare, but it was nowhere near as bad as the world today. Reagan was happy to have gays and junkies die of AIDS, but the GOP today is waging war on the LGBTQ+ community, on POC and on the poor. The Democrats make nicer promises, but they aren't actually doing shit.

I am disgusted by violence, greed, injustice, bigotry and I am also the most nihilistic asshole I know. I want everyone to be happy and I also want everything I see to be destroyed by fire. I am the embodiment of Generation X. I am the poster child for my fucked-over generation, insulted, written off and forgotten. I'm being totally sincere and this is also a fucking joke. I don't have any hope of making any difference, but I might be able to entertain myself.

I very much want to reach my cohort. I want to remind Gen X that there was a time when we were riled up about something. We cared about something. We were loud and vulgar and we weren't afraid to break shit.

We can't make the world a better place. We are way too broken for that. Maybe our kids can do better. But before they can make a better world, this one has to be destroyed. That's what I'm on about. I want to break shit. I want to get revenge. I want to tear down the rotten fucking world, so my kid can have something better. I don't mind dying - shit, I never really wanted to live in the first place.

And the idea of a bunch of broken, middle-aged grungepunk slackers rioting in the streets is pretty funny.

Anyway. Nobody else stepped up to be the Official Voice of Generation X, so it might as well be me.

[bluebiiird]

Sometimes I worry that I don’t understand things properly. I’m a highly emotional person, having gone through life in an emotional war, front and center at all times. A young girl with a mom too busy to notice her alcoholic husband was abusing in daughters in more way than one, and a dad too sick to care. too tired from his own life of trauma and divorce that took his daughters away because he couldn’t handle his own life as it was. I took salvation in my room, despite knowing at any time it could open and become a world of hell. knowing that at all times hell was on the other side of that door. i walked through life on tip toes and wide eyes being hyper aware of those around me hoping to sneak through the interactions enough to return to as much of a safe place i could find.

as i got older and started realizing what was effecting me so intensely, i found a new salvation. driving in the car with my mom, listening to AFI and iron maiden and whatever else would come on the radio as we drove for miles and miles. sometimes near the coast, sometimes to las vegas to care for my sweet grandmother. i grew so close to her, and came so close to telling her what was happening at home behind closed doors. my mom knew, and chose to turn her cheek. it’s a lot to process, but i’ve spoken and written these words so many times i feel numb towards it. it still impacts me daily in ways i’m still learning. i’m pretty sure i have borderline personality disorder, though my therapist would only confirm that i have PTSD. i’m close to my mother now, however she still speaks as if there is another world i’m never going to be apart of within her, and i get only tiny bits of love/attention/affection before she returns to it and i don’t exist. my dad cares as much as he can, but with both i just feel this overwhelming sense of “they tried, they can never be what i needed” and that makes me feel like a shitty person, but it simultaneously helps me grow from it.

my failed relationship with dylan is a reminder, maybe the biggest that i need to work with myself to become better. i thought i was in such a better place, but quickly gave back into my kratom addiction and my fear of abandonment ways. allowing his toxic ways of talking down to me, ignoring me as punishment, treating me constantly as if i meant absolutely nothing to roll by and convince myself it was all something wrong with me and if i could simply try more i’d be good enough for him to treat better. i realize fully, i get this from my relationship with my parents. if i just try hard they’ll see me and i’ll be worth being a daughter they want, aside from empty words of “you’re so good!” and then actions that prove they would rather do anything other than be my parent since the get go. 

i saw Jonah in fort bragg the other morning the minute i arrived in town convinced i was going to have the absolute best time solo camping in caspar. he was with a girl and sat within feet away from my chair, and once i realized it was him i began shaking to the point i couldn’t even hold my coffee. i hate my adrenaline reaction to situations like this, i’m sure it’s in part from my antidepressant but a big part of me is also still just a scared girl not sure what to do in situations like that. he never said anything during or after, and i’ve decided to let it go to avoid looking like the biggest creep imaginable. since then i’ve crossed most of mendo off of my possible travel destinations, to give us both the freedom of having to encounter such an awkward situation again. 

in the last week so much has gone down. i’ve run into nearly everyone i wouldn’t want to run into, or had them reach out. i’m back in a really comfortable uncomfortable spot. i got a promotion at work, made a $20,000 mistake and saved a dog. She was the sweetest dog running in and out of a busy background i was driving on my lunch break, i checked with the only house nearby and they said she wasn’t hers, and when i opened my car door she just ran in and layed in my passenger seat looking up at me with her two differently colored eyes. I started crying becaues i only had minutes before i was supposed to be back at work, knowing it was a very busy day and i couldn’t just leave her in my car, or even have enough time to run home to drop her there while i figure out what to do. i called everyone i could, and the only one who was able to help was dylan. he ignored my phone calls before texting me asking what i wanted, and said he was in the middle of a hair cut but would come get the dog right after. i asked him to take her to my house until i got off work and then i could figure everything out (see if she’s tagged, see if i could find the owner, etc) but instead he took her to the vet and left her there. i cried again when he told me that because i was overwhelmed with the whole situation and was stuck at the office, and had just connected with that dog who could have been killed. i called the VCA he brought her to and they told me their process, so in about two weeks if no one claims her i will be able to go get her. then i found out i’m being sued by old credit card debt. it just really never stops when you just need a fucking break, and sometimes all i can do is laugh and go “what’s fucking next” but then the next thing happens and i’m like OKAYYYY hah :(((((((( and that’s how i get through life sometimes 

tonight i’m going to a metal show, i’m waiting to hear back from dylan’s grandma about what i should do in regards to him and my situation, and i hope i just have a good fucking night

[shinehyuk]

hellooo since requests are open can I request a yandere victon where s/o roll their eyes pls?

VICTON reaction to S/O rolling their eyes at them

‣ Genre : yandere

tw/cw : heavy themes, strong language, obsession, abuse, toxic relationships, violence, murder, please do not read if sensitive/uncomfortable!

Seungwoo :

· He was going on and on with the same bullshit that you heard tens of times already, how you need to be a good kitten and obey him, blah, blah, blah. You just couldn't help but roll your eyes on impulse

· You'll regret that faster than you can manage to blink – Seungwoo throwing you against the wall, his hand finding a tight grip on your throat

· "What was that, love? I swear to God, you better fucking tell me my eyes were wrong."

· He doesn't accept any of your worthless apologies or the assuring that it won't ever happen again. If you do something wrong, you pay for it

Seungsik :

· He will cock a brow at you, scoffing at your behavior in frustration. You dare roll your eyes at him? Ha. Funny.

· The thing Seungsik hates the most is such attidute; it's one of the many things that make his blood boil.

· "Behavioral lesson one – any attidute you give me will result in one person getting hurt.. badly. Do you still want to roll your pretty eyes at me, my love?"

· Not shockingly, his method seems to have worked quite well, putting you in place so you never showed even a single sign of your deep hate for him

Chan :

· Chan will simply grin at you – you could not make out what emotion was written on his face. Was it anger? Happiness? Hurt?

· He'll take out his phone, confusing you with his odd actions. Should he not make a remark about your attidute? Didn't it irritate him at least a little bit?

· "You haven't seen your friends in a while, have you, darling? Why don't we go pay them a visit? I already texted them."

· You'll quickly agree to his offer, happy about the thought of reuniting with your friends. Unfortunately for you, the nice meeting will end a little bloody; Chan murdering every single one of your friends before your eyes as a punishment for a small, silly little eye roll

Sejun :

· The male will cock a brow and smirk darkly at you, watching how quickly your annoyed and bored expression changes to pure fear

· Oh darling, you've honestly got to be quite daring to do such a brave thing right in front of his eyes

· Best believe that the male will be more than happy to remind you both about the fact that he doesn't tolerate such attitude and how he punishes brats like you

· "My, my, will you ever learn, darling? If you weren't such a little naughty brat I wouldn't have to hurt you – isn't it so easy, hm?"

Hanse :

· You've really got to be bold to straight up show your annoyance to him without even trying to hide it from the male's gaze

· Once you hear his delusional, sickening laugh you'll instantly know that you're done for – oh, you're certainly in for a ride

· Rest assured that once Hanse takes care of your little brattiness, you'll quickly forget all about ever being annoyed

· "Oh, you're not so brave anymore, are you, love? How cute~"

Byungchan :

· The male's eyes would go wide as he pouts at you sadly, anxiety filling him

· Did he do anything to annoy you? Is he too clingy? But he thought that you liked his affection and him showing his love for you, so why are you annoyed?

· "Did I do something to annoy you..? I'm sorry.. I didn't mean to."

· He wouldn't stop sulking and clinging to you until you explained yourself to him

Subin :

· Wanting to mess with the male a bit, you sighed out loud and rolled your eyes as he was explaining to you why you should obey and stay with him

· He'll scoff right back at you, his cold glare instantly making you look down at your feet in shame

· You should know better than try to annoy him with your stupid, useless actions, shouldn't you?

· "Do that shit one more time and I won't bother calmly explaining to you next time. Understand?"

✧ ೃ༄*ੈ✩ a/n ✧ ೃ༄*ੈ✩

thank you for requesting! i hope you liked it <3

✧ ೃ༄*ੈ✩

None of the gifs are mine!

‣ Taglist :

@atiny-chocolate-chip @lmaoskz @sunoo-bby @https-loverboy-com @heemingyu

[ruby-whistler]

Why c!Dream should (and probably will be) redeemed

Hi! I’m bad with intros. You’ve read the title, so, let’s start with the definitions.

In this essay, we are considering the popularized definition of “redemption” instead of the classical one, which is, as per the Oxford Dictionary, “the act of saving or state of being saved from the power of evil; the act of redeeming.” That’s not however the way the word is used in fandom and media.

/dsmp /rp

The definition of redemption I’ll be working with in this essay is not forgiveness by the people who c!Dream has hurt, nor is it removing himself entirely from his past actions, but moreso the decision to change for the better and abandon destructive mindsets for himself and others.

A “redemption” in a narrative sense would be circumstances and a character arc that would allow that kind of healing and betterment.

I’d like to start this off by the fact that being “irredeemable”, in this sense, also doesn’t exist; redemption is a thing of conditions and choice, not of being allowed by someone else. You can’t gatekeep healing from people who seek it, just to be clear, and that even goes for people who have done terrible things.

Since I understand there is a lot of concern for c!Dream’s past actions, here is a post from people who are much more fit than me to speak on the matter, about the way in which they see a possible c!Dream redemption arc.

Another disclaimer, I am not going to be considering c!Dream only from the perspective of c!Tommy in this essay. c!Dream appears in other people’s perspectives and he himself has his own, unseen perspective. As a character, he is an individual person in his own right rather than just the antagonist of c!Tommy’s story, and so I do not have much concern for their narratives intertwining too much should this writing choice occur.

I’d also like to note that redemption is, in this sense, always a positive thing for everyone involved - someone who’s been prone to doing bad things in the past deciding not to do them anymore and try to change, or just simply heal enough to consider it, isn’t going to have a long-term negative effect in any of the characters, but rather the other way around. Healing is an unlimited resource, and the victims do not have to heal first for the person who hurt them to consider being better.

Here’s a well-written thread on Twitter that elaborates a bit to finish off this point, and let’s move on to actually talking about redemption in the context of the Dream SMP, and c!Dream specifically.

Why a c!Dream redemption arc is not only a good writing choice, but in this case the only good writing choice;

c!Dream, as we all know, has been subject to mental and physical abuse to the point of straight up torture by both c!Sam and c!Quackity (to different extents). He has been in indescribable amounts of suffering for the past 74 days at the time this essay will be published. That is six and something times the duration of the entire exile arc in canon.

Whatever the interpretation of his words in prison is, what is undeniable is first of all the fact his mental stability is absolutely crushed at this point, second that no human being could possibly ever deserve to undergo this, and third, his stay in the prison is showing off his humanity and making him out to be sympathetic.

Now, consider this; how would it feel if c!Tommy died at the end of the exile arc? Empty, there would be no catharsis to such an end, especially because of all of the hurt he’d gone through. Objectively, a bad writing choice.

Let’s compare, narratively of course, this situation to the prison arc. Even though I would never say one of them is “better” or “worse” than the other, since both are terrible and undeserved, c!Dream’s current state checks off all of the boxes that would make his death unsatisfying in the storyline; even if people want him gone, there would still be the dissatisfaction at the current build-up and why they even did it in the first place (it really wasn’t necessary to anyone else’s story to make him out as a victim, and yet they did) if they were planning to kill him off anyways. And since the prison arc is naturally meant to induce sympathy, even from an angst perspective it would simply not make sense within the themes and writing of the plot.

So, c!Dream can’t die, and he also can’t stay in the prison forever - the build-up must lead to something, which is logically a breakout. Great… what now?

Well, the Dream SMP prides itself in accurate representation of trauma and mental instability, specifically cc!Tommy and cc!Dream who have pulled it off incredibly during the exile arc.

Now, undoubtedly, after the prison, c!Dream is going to be just terribly traumatized- considering the writers’ past creative decisions, would it make sense for him to play the role of a dangerous, heartless villain in other people’s stories, while completely ignoring the logical fallout of what he’s been through?

In my mind, no. The most possible result is that cc!Dream is going to rightfully portray someone who’s been hurt so much he is broken, scared and tortured into submissions over months of agony and slowly stripping away of his agency, his dignity, his humanity. And that is… not going to be pretty, nor is he going to be in any way the same as before.

After everything, I’d be surprised if he can properly look at shears without shaking. That’s not villain behaviour, that’s the behaviour of someone who needs help.

Which leads me to another point, which is relatability. Believe me or not, there are people out there who heavily relate to c!Dream because they have been through things that allow them to see themselves in the character - abandonment, mental illness, etc. - or who have had destructive mindsets they have struggled to let go of in the past.

To them, as well as to the viewer, redeeming c!Dream could actually be a very good example, showcasing that anyone who has done bad things or has been hurt in the past can learn that it is possible to be better, to move on, to not be stuck in a loop but to actively seek help and then use that support to find the path to healing.

Making c!Dream a better person, who in a way, wins over his past, over his trauma, over the hurt he’s caused, and manages to actually get better… is inspiring, in a sense. It shows that you can abandon unhealthy mindsets, you can find a support group of people who care about you, you can make your life better simply by deciding to be better and then sticking to that, no matter how difficult the process.

This is why I believe that redeeming c!Dream would not be bad writing, but quite the opposite, and that the prison arc is an obvious set-up. Alright, but how does that work with the character? How could someone so widely hated mentally improve in such a seemingly violent and terrible environment? Would it even make sense within the context of c!Dream’s character so far? Well,

Why c!Dream has the capacity for healing and the Dream SMP the ability to provide it;

First of all, let’s remind ourselves that through c!Dream’s entire spiral he wasn’t ever directly given a chance to change. He was regarded as someone to defeat in order to accomplish a happy ending, or as someone who needed to be removed in order to achieve power on the SMP. Ever since the 16th, which is when the corruption of the character is the most obvious, there have been no attempts to reach out or to help him. I do not blame the characters for this - I am simply pointing out that since it has never happened before, we do not know how he would respond, and that, after everything he’s been through, any bit of kindness or compassion towards him will be a new concept he will have to learn to deal with somehow.

This point is especially driven home by the fact that both c!Quackity and c!Sam would often tell him he is a monster who deserves nothing but to suffer, and that what he’s going through is never going to amount to all the hurt he’s caused - basically removing any possibility for ever getting better (because by this logic, he doesn’t deserve support, and he doesn’t deserve to get better) from his line of sight.

He also hasn’t had a support system since shortly after the 16th, when his friends left him over c!George’s dethronement and made no effort to mend their relationship afterwards. c!Dream isn’t used to having allies and people on his side, but to being hated; again, wouldn’t that mean positive reinforcement could very well be all he needs to make the choice?

His bad mindsets - attachments are weakness, ends always justify the means, people will consider you a bad person no matter what you do - have been continuously proven right by his environment, even in prison. Any kind of subversion, plus an explanation as to why they are wrong, could be of great help to c!Dream.

Just another disclaimer; I do not believe c!Dream would change thanks to the treatment in prison, but rather despite it. His mental stability is non-existent at that point, and in order to get better he needs genuine emotional support from the people around him as well as to heal before he can redeem himself.

Alright, but… c!Dream has hurt a lot of people. Who would be fit to help him?

Let’s start off with the worst option and why it’s impossible the writers would even attempt this; c!Tommy.

c!Tommy has no responsibility to help or ever forgive c!Dream - not to say he could. The two, as it is, would drag each other down instead of helping in any capacity, and only make matters worse. The two of them shouldn’t even interact in the best case scenario - the best thing for both of them would be if they got enough healing and support individually that they could live around each other and not get their trauma or toxic habits triggered when interacting for whatever purpose of the plot.

So, if not c!Tommy (and c!Tubbo neither by extension), who could redeem c!Dream?

Well, he can’t do it on his own for sure. Being in nature with animals is nice, but further isolation from other people would merely help with the prison trauma, not with the state of his tendencies when interacting with others. He, once again, needs positive reinforcement from other people for him to heal properly.

There are two main options for this in my mind, and then there’s a few individuals he could also find comfort in, including people from both groups or those unaligned.

1) Kinoko Kingdom

From the people of this new country, c!Dream has never negatively interacted with c!Karl before, he has never hurt c!George and he hasn’t directly harmed c!Sapnap. Although the relationship with his old friend group could be difficult to rekindle, none of them have grudges against him that are too personal, and they have been canonically close friends since the beginning of the SMP, so it would be very much possible to rebuild burnt bridges. They’d be familiar, and with the addition of c!Karl they could be a good source of comfort for c!Dream after he either breaks out or is released from prison - just gotta convince c!Sapnap not to kill him first.

2) The Syndicate

From the Syndicate, c!Dream has never directly interacted with c!Nikki, and from what I know of her character she never seemed to be very affected by his actions - even doing his work for him when he was planning to burn down the L’Mantree. c!Techno is an ally who doesn’t have anything against him, and as for c!Ranboo, here is why I believe c!Dream being in the Syndicate could be positively influential on his character arc as well;

c!Ranboo and c!Philza have had a conversation about change, during which c!Ranboo made it clear he thinks everyone can change except for c!Dream; who, in his mind, is “too deep down the rabbit hole”. c!Philza replied that he thinks anyone can change if given enough time.

… you see what I’m getting at?

c!Dream has been implied to be an ally to c!Ranboo’s enderwalk state (or the state when he has access to his full memory), and hence would most likely not behave negatively towards him at all. While it might make it more difficult for c!Ranboo to deal with his own issues, it might also give him more motivation to get to the bottom of it as well, especially since he now has access to the person who, presumably, started this all. While this is going on, c!Dream would show himself in a much different light than c!Ranboo sees himin, which could lead to confusion, realization of the flaws in his own logic, and hence, positive character development.

Here’s a great post about why c!Techno as a character could be a great asset in c!Dream’s healing process & redemption, and why there is not much need to worry about him not knowing or finding out about c!Dream’s actions.

Of Kinoko Kingdom and the Syndicate, as far as I know, neither c!Tommy nor c!Tubbo have ever been directly involved with these groups, nor are they planning to.

Another important point to make is that, while c!Tommy needs to be kept away from c!Dream in order to heal properly, the same goes for c!Quackity and c!Sam in c!Dream’s case. While c!Quackity has high chances to interact with either Kinoko Kingdom or the Syndicate in the future, there’s an even higher chance, in that situation, that c!Dream would be offered protection, which is also important; there is no healing from trauma without the knowledge of safety, to some degree.

So, this was an essay as to why I think c!Dream’s recovery and redemption (one needs to come before the other, naturally) is not only extremely possible but also could be pulled off well and have a positive impact on both the characters, and the audience.

[agent-cupcake]

You know, you've written a lot of your thoughts/hcs/etc on how various characters would behave as yanderes and so on, but I've never seen you talk about yandere readers before and I feel like that's an interesting subject to consider? Especially for 3H - you have a treasure trove of damaged boys to attract obsessiveness from girls who are convinced they are the ONLY one for them and it's their duty to drive away competition/threats/anyone they want.

Okay it's time to be toxic. I’m not going to go for all the guys, just the ones who immediately came to mind.

Dimitri: I joke quite often that I would be yandere for Dimitri. It all started when I brought up killing the girl he danced with at the White Heron Ball and quite frankly it's only spiraled from there because doesn't the Savior King Dimitri deserve to be adored and worshipped? Doesn't he deserve someone who wants the best for him and only him? Doesn’t it only make sense for him to be with someone who understands his mental issues and is willing to offer him unconditional support and patience? Doesn't he need someone with unwavering loyalty who will do anything no matter what the cost for his sake? It'd be so easy too because he's super dependent, desperate for affection, and clueless so if you just nourish those traits and constantly downplay his discomfort/suspicion of you driving away anybody who you feel is a threat by saying that this is how relationships just are, that it's just because you love him so much, that you're just looking out for him, what's he gonna do? It's not like he'd have any solid basis for knowing how relationships are supposed to be. Besides if he gets too upset you can threaten to leave him just like his mother did, I'm sure that would work to get him back in your arms (where he belongs). Yeah, that’s a little fucked up but it would be so much worse for both of you in the long run if you were apart. Being too aggressive or overt about your obsession would definitely make Dimitri wise up so it'd be better to go with love bombing. This would be good because it really lets you prove your devotion to Dimitri and makes it easier for him to just laugh off and excuse your disturbingly possessive behavior. His friends would be potentially problematic, but they're not always around and Dimitri's private enough that he probably wouldn't volunteer information about you to them. If you told him that it made you very upset and uncomfortable when he was friendly with the girls from his class, he’d most likely stop for your sake. Bonus round, have his babies. What is he going to do, abandon the mother of his children? Dimitri?!? No way. Of course he wouldn’t do anything to risk breaking his family, but neither would you! After all, this is all because you know Dimitri better than anyone which means that only you can love him.

Sylvain: Sylvain being manipulative and cheating on you after you try and prove your love to him through conventional means causing you to snap and kill hurt the girls, throw his lies back in his face, and prove that you're the only girl for him by preying on his emotional trauma with women is really something to consider. Why try to resolve toxic situations with love, compassion, and open communication when you can use blood and abuse to keep him with you? Play the part, be snarky, witty, flirty, be super hot and cold to keep him intrigued, give him the best fuck he's ever had, really show him that you don't care about his Crest, you just want to love possess him. Maybe even do the whole "I don't care who you're with, we both know you belong to me" to really engage him in those super fun mind games. Make everyone else acknowledge that you're the perfect girl for him, get them all to vilify him for continuing to be such a womanizer and breaking your heart. But, like, why stop there? Encourage him to retaliate, to be mad at you. Tease him for being so disgusted and angry at you when all you want, all you've ever wanted, was for your hearts to beat as one and then later act confused because of course you wouldn’t make light of his feelings like that, that’s horrible. All you want, all you’ve ever wanted, was for him to acknowledge that your adoration for him is true. Really break him until he gives you the whole “I’ll let you chain me up so I never even look at another girl” schtick. This might seem awful, but so is he! Reform can be difficult and if he’s going to be happy, he has to be made to understand why his behavior was so bad and the consequences of it. Because it’s not like you’d act like this if you had any other choice, it’s not like you’d continue once the two of you were truly together, of course you wouldn’t treat him so cruelly once he vowed himself to you and only you. And, really, I think it’d be a lot easier once he understood that and you got to prove your love to him through raw, unadulterated affection. Spend every day adding onto the list of why you love your Sylvain. 

Claude: Claude being more than aware of the ole' saying "don't stick your dick in crazy" and then doing it anyway because he has a proclivity for the fiery, forbidden, and oh-so temping call of danger would be the perfect set up for a very bad predicament. You’d have to play some mind games to really convince him that he’s the one seeking you out, he’s the one who’s got it bad, he’s the one who wants to have you. In other words, you’d have to give him a challenge. But, you know, if it’s a game, you’d have to play back because you’re doing this for him, because you love him, because you want him to realize that he loves you, too (Uno reverse Claude’s yandere behaviors, basically) so obviously you’d have to eliminate any obstacles and taking out anybody who could be a potential threat. Get him to open up about his dreams, his past, his feelings. As it goes with basically all of these affection-starved men, make him feel loved for who he is. You know, if you were really good, you could probably even get him to give up on everything else for your sake. I mean, I loathe the ending but he does that for Lysithea. Pull a Tangled on Claude and make him believe that you’re his new dream as he mostly certainly is yours.

Felix: Sweet Felix. So oblivious but so difficult. A man who would provide the ultimate and most dangerous yan rival of them all: the thrill of the fight. In a lot of ways, I think he’d be like Dimitri. Mostly just because he’s so dense when it comes to love of any kind. But he’s also not as emotionally desperate or dependent so you wouldn’t really be able to use that against him. The similarities come from Felix’s equal amount of inexperience with romance which opens up a lot of possibilities for you convincing him that certain behaviors are normal. You can even bring up how his cold emotional state (something I believe he’s insecure about) is what forces you to be so overbearing, how badly it hurts you.  You don’t necessarily mean to be so cloying but you’re so afraid of losing someone else you love so much (another insecurity of his). After all, there is nobody in the entire world who is like him, Felix Hugo Fraldarius, (three for three with his insecurities) and how irreplaceable and precious he is to you. These examples are kind of “soft” when it comes to using his insecurities against him, but you could go further with them assuming you were sure that it wouldn’t drive him away. Not knowing and having to work on assumption would always be a pretty big reason to control yourself in how you went about manipulating him because Felix is stubborn and prideful and pushing him too far would only hurt the both of you. It’s actually kind of funny because as opposed to the traditional yan mindset, it would be in your best interest to get Felix to form relationship bonds with others (but definitely not any of the girls he’s so popular with) because that would be a bargaining chip when convincing him to stay with you.

Ferdinand von Aegir: Ferdinand is, honestly, so easy for this. Like, I feel as if I don’t even need to talk about the details. You show him some affection and he’s yours. Bury him in love and praise. Tell him that it makes you unhappy when he talks to other girls or prioritizes his work over you and then reward him with boundless warmth and devotion because of course he would bend over backwards to make you happy. He just wants to be needed and treasured, to love and be loved. He’s already got the poetry and the ring and of course he wouldn’t mind getting married right away it’s true love, why would you wait?

Yuri: Yuribird is the forbidden darling. You’d need to be running on 100% love because he’d sniff out and ditch you at even the smallest whiff of deliberate obsession. But you know what he wants? More-so than the other guys, in some ways. He wants to be known and loved for who he is. In the face of genuine affection, he doesn’t stand a chance. Still, you’d have to be measured about this stuff. If you were jealous and got rid of your rivals yourself, Yuri would be disgusted and leave you. And you can’t hide that sort of thing from him, either. You’d have to go all in on the manipulation but only in the most honest way possible, that’s the only way past his defenses. Get him to prioritize your feelings first so he feels guilty talking to people or acting in ways that upset you. Reward him for putting you above everyone else. Constantly remind him that you’re the only one who knows and understands him, who loves him for who he is. Get him so emotionally fucked that even if his big brain logic is telling him that you’re toxic and horrible, he can’t stand the thought of being without you. He’d give up crime, it’s not like he even particularly likes it. Set up the perfect life for him, something domestic and sweet and warm, something he’s never had worries he doesn’t deserve, something that keeps him away from others. The goddess only knows how much he deserves a happy dream for once, and you’re the only one who can understand and provide that for him.

[danielxricciardo]

maybe one with haaland where he is a controlling boyfriend but you don‘t have the courage to tell him but one of his friends notice it and talks to him about it

Summary: You and Erling are in a toxic relationship.

Warnings: angst

Word count: 1.6k

Nearly all people want control over their environment. It's human nature. We're notoriously unable to let go and allow a situation to just be. We always feel like we have to do something to make things go our way.

The big difference between someone who is merely being human and someone who is controlling is that the latter results in emotional and physical abuse. A person who just wants control over themselves and their environment is pretty normal. However, a person who wants to constantly control what others say and do has issues.

He's very insecure and paranoid.

He uses ultimatums and other threatening tactics to manipulate you.

He uses guilt to control you.

He makes you feel less than you are.

He acts as you owe him for everything.

He isolates you from others.

He thinks he's always right.

You're hiding innocent things from him.

He's very insecure and paranoid.

Erling hated when he had to go away on a game or when he was away with the national team because you were no longer with him and he could not see what was happening at home.

How many times have you told your 2-year-old boyfriend that he can trust you, that you just go to work and go home, he still doesn't trust you. He calls you two or three times an hour, and when it was a match he calls you before it starts, during the break, and after the match.

At first, you didn't think it was a problem, you really thought it was nice, you thought he was thinking of you and wanted to see what you were doing. But you noticed that he was paranoid about your every move. If you went to the store and stayed longer, he would ask you who you met. If you were talking on the phone with someone other than your parents, he wanted to know exactly who you were on the phone with and what you were talking about.

2.He uses ultimatums and other threatening tactics to manipulate you.

Not only once it happened that after a nice get-together in the city with his teammates to come home and he'll tell you that if you behave so nicely and flirtatiously with a teammate of his once again he will break up with you in order of you to go to that teammate.

You weren't doing anything wrong, you were just trying to be friendly with his friends. You never flirted with a teammate of his, and you never intended to do that.

You tried to explain to him that you were not doing anything wrong but he didn't seem to care too much about what you were saying so you just lowered your head and listened to him.

3.He uses guilt to control you.

Erling didn't cook. He always reminded you of the moment when he wanted to cook you a romantic dinner and he burned his hand.

Erling never washes the clothes. He always reminded you of the moment when he colored all his white T-shirts in pink.

Erling never gave you presents. He always reminded you of the moment when he bought you a perfume that you couldn't wear because you were allergic to some of the components.

Erling never organizes surprises. He always reminds you of the moment when he organized a surprise party for your birthday and he accidentally invited your ex-best friend as well.

He always points out his own efforts and hard work to make you feel as if you've fallen short. Who were you to compare to Erling Haaland anyway?

4.He makes you feel less than you are.

You were just a lawyer. He was one of the greatest football player. He always reminded you of that.

You had a few hundred euros set aside. He had millions. He always reminded you of that.

You could afford a 3-day vacation in the mountains 100 kilometers from your home. He could afford himself a 3-month vacation all over the world. He always reminded you of that.

You could afford to order food from the neighborhood restaurant. He could afford to eat 5 times a day from the best restaurants in town. He always reminded you of that.

5.He acts as you owe him for everything.

He always reminded you that he bought you half of the clothes you own.

He always reminded you that the apartment you live in is his.

He always reminded you that the car you drive is bought with his money.

He always reminded you that the holidays you have been in so far have been paid in full by him.

He always reminded you that you would be nothing without him.

6.He isolates you from others.

Even if you were staying 20 minutes away from your parents' apartment, you haven't seen them for more than 4 months. You haven't even been out with your friends lately you were just talking on the phone in the last few months.

You could go out to a restaurant with your friends and have a coffee and talk about your life, but that would mean Erling would have to come with you, and he doesn't want to because he feels like all your friends are stupid.

7.He thinks he's always right.

Nothing you said was ever correct, and he applied critical thinking to prove you wrong. He always told you that you were not right and that it would be better for you not to express your opinion in public because you would make a fool of yourself. So when someone asks you what you think about something, you would just simply shut up.

8.You're hiding innocent things from him.

Many times when he was gone you would order different clothes online that you'd eventually hid from him. You didn't know if you would ever be able to wear them, but you liked them so much when you saw them that you couldn't help but buy them.

You tried them when they arrived and then you hid them behind the closet, knowing that he would never look there because only you cleaned the apartment.

You knew it wasn't a healthy relationship. It was written TOXIC in capital letters all over your relationship. But you didn't want to give it up. You knew he had no luck in past relationships and that's why he behaves like this now and you were sure he would get over this phase.

You were both at Thomas Delaney's birthday at a restaurant. Although everyone was having fun, you sat and watched everyone, taking care not to stop looking at one person for too long, not to smile for too long, or to laugh too loudly at someone's joke.

Your strange behavior caught Marco Reus's attention. You used to laugh, make jokes, but not now. You seemed forced to be there.

"Y/N, are you okay?" he asks you and all eyes were now on you.

You bite your lip and look at everyone scared. You wanted to cry.

"Yes, she's fine." Erling answers in your place then takes a sip of beer.

Marco frowns and looks between the two of you.

"Okay, but I asked her, you know."

"You are fine, don't you, darling?" he says and slips his arm behind your back.

He shuddered at his touch and this is not overlooked by those at the table.

"Yes ..." you say shyly. "I'm fine."

"No, you are not." says the captain of the Borussia Dortmund team and beckons his wife, Scarlett, to go to you.

Scarlett gets up from the table and comes to pick you up and take you to the bathroom to talk. Michelle Delaney joined you.

Erling looks after you as you are dragged by the two women to the bathroom.

"Why do all three of them need to go to the bathroom? Y/N didn't need to go to the bathroom."

"And how do you know she didn't need to? She didn't say a word all night long." Marco answers. "What's wrong with you?"

Erling frowned, not understanding the question.

"I'm fine, what are you talking about?"

"Are you? Haven't you noticed that you've become a manipulative dick? She's terrified of you. She's so afraid to breathe around you."

Erling snorts and finishes his beer from the glass.

"She's fine. You don't have to worry about her. How long does it take to come from the bathroom?" he says, turning in his chair, looking at the bathroom.

All the men at the table look at each other in silence.

"Break up with her," says Thomas Delaney.

"And why, in the world, would I do that?" he asks, clenching his fists.

"Because she feels miserable and it's clear you don't love her anymore. Your relationship is toxic and there's no point in continuing it."

"I respectfully tell you that you have no idea what you're talking about. She doesn't feel miserable."

"I do feel miserable," you say from behind him.

Erling gets up from his chair and looks at you.

"What?" he says softly as if all the air had come out of him.

You bite your lip and look at him. You had red eyes from crying.

"I've been terrified of making a wrong step around you for almost half a year. I'm afraid you'll yell at me, scold me... Sometimes I'm afraid you'll hit me."

Erling frowns and looks at you intently.

"But I... I didn't mean to hurt you. Never. I'm... I'm sorry, I didn't realize I hurt you. You should have told me earlier..."

Erling takes you in his arms and you feel the warmth and love with which he embraces you. For the first time in so many months, you felt the love of your lover.

[foreverlogical]

Donald Trump’s descent into madness continues.

The latest manifestation of this is a report in The New York Times that the president is weighing appointing the conspiracy theorist Sidney Powell, who for a time worked on his legal team, to be special counsel to investigate imaginary claims of voter fraud.

As if that were not enough, we also learned that former National Security Adviser Michael Flynn, who was pardoned by the president after pleading guilty to lying to the FBI, attended the Friday meeting. Earlier in the week, Flynn, a retired lieutenant general, floated the idea (which he had promoted before) that the president impose martial law and deploy the military to “rerun” the election in several closely contested states that voted against Trump. It appears that Flynn wants to turn them into literal battleground states.\

None of this should come as a surprise. Some of us said, even before he became president, that Donald Trump’s Rosetta Stone, the key to deciphering him, was his psychology—his disordered personality, his emotional and mental instability, and his sociopathic tendencies. It was the main reason, though hardly the only reason, I refused to vote for him in 2016 or in 2020, despite having worked in the three previous Republican administrations. Nothing that Trump has done over the past four years has caused me to rethink my assessment, and a great deal has happened to confirm it.

Given Trump’s psychological profile, it was inevitable that when he felt the walls of reality close in on him—in 2020, it was the pandemic, the cratering economy, and his election defeat—he would detach himself even further from reality. It was predictable that the president would assert even more bizarre conspiracy theories. That he would become more enraged and embittered, more desperate and despondent, more consumed by his grievances. That he would go against past supplicants, like Attorney General Bill Barr and Georgia Governor Brian Kemp, and become more aggressive toward his perceived enemies. That his wits would begin to turn, in the words of King Lear. That he would begin to lose his mind.

So he has. And, as a result, President Trump has become even more destabilizing and dangerous.

“I’ve been covering Donald Trump for a while,” Jonathan Swan of Axios tweeted. “I can’t recall hearing more intense concern from senior officials who are actually Trump people. The Sidney Powell/Michael Flynn ideas are finding an enthusiastic audience at the top.”

Even amid the chaos, it’s worth taking a step back to think about where we are: An American president, unwilling to concede his defeat by 7 million popular votes and 74 Electoral College votes, is still trying to steal the election. It has become his obsession.

In the process, Trump has in too many cases turned his party into an instrument of illiberalism and nihilism. Here are just a couple of data points to underscore that claim: 18 attorneys generals and more than half the Republicans in the House supported a seditious abuse of the judicial process.

And it’s not only, or even mainly, elected officials. The Republican Party’s base has often followed Trump into the twilight zone, with a sizable majority of them affirming that Joe Biden won the election based on fraud and many of them turning against medical science in the face of a surging pandemic.

COVID-19 is now killing Americans at the rate of about one per minute, but the president is “just done with COVID,” a source identified as one of Trump’s closest advisers told The Washington Post. “I think he put it on a timetable and he’s done with COVID ... It just exceeded the amount of time he gave it.”

This is where Trump’s crippling psychological condition—his complete inability to face unpleasant facts, his toxic narcissism, and his utter lack of empathy—became lethal. Trump’s negligence turned what would have been a difficult winter into a dark one. If any of his predecessors—Barack Obama, George W. Bush, Bill Clinton, George H. W. Bush, and Ronald Reagan, to go back just 40 years—had been president during this pandemic, tens of thousands of American lives would almost surely have been saved.

“My concern was, in the worst part of the battle, the general was missing in action,” said Maryland Governor Larry Hogan, one of the very few Republicans to speak truth in the Trump era.

In 30 days, Donald Trump will leave the presidency, with his efforts to mount a coup having failed. The encouraging news is that it never really had a chance of succeeding. Our institutions, especially the courts, will have passed a stress test, not the most difficult ever but difficult enough, and unlike any in our history. Some local officials exhibited profiles in courage, doing the right thing in the face of threats and pressure from their party. And a preponderance of the American public, having lived through the past four years, deserve credit for canceling this presidential freak show rather than renewing it. The “exhausted majority” wasn’t too exhausted to get out and vote, even in a pandemic.

But the Trump presidency will leave gaping wounds nearly everywhere, and ruination in some places. Truth as a concept has been battered from the highest office in the land on an almost hourly basis. The Republican Party has been radicalized, with countless Republican lawmakers and other prominent figures within the party having revealed themselves to be moral cowards, even, and in some ways especially, after Trump was defeated. During the Trump presidency, they were so afraid of getting crosswise with him and his supporters that they failed the Solzhenitsyn test: “The simple act of an ordinary brave man is not to participate in lies, not to support false actions! His rule: Let that come into the world, let it even reign supreme—only not through me.

”During the past four years, the right-wing ecosystem became more and more rabid. Many prominent evangelical supporters of the president are either obsequious, like Franklin Graham, or delusional, like Eric Metaxas, and they now peddle their delusions as being written by God. QAnon and the Proud Boys, Newsmax and One America News, Alex Jones and Tucker Carlson—all have been emboldened.

These worrisome trends began before Trump ran for office, and they won’t disappear after he leaves the presidency. Those who hope for a quick snapback will be disappointed. Still, having Trump out of office has to help. He’s going to find out that there’s no comparable bully pulpit. And the media, if they are wise, will cut off his oxygen, which is attention. They had no choice but to cover Trump’s provocations when he was president; when he’s an ex-president, that will change.

For the foreseeable future, journalists will rightly focus on the pandemic. But once that is contained and defeated, it will be time to go back to focusing more attention on things like the Paris Accords and the carbon tax; the earned-income tax credit and infrastructure; entitlement reform and monetary policy; charter schools and campus speech codes; legal immigration, asylum, assimilation, and social mobility. There is also an opportunity, with Trump a former president, for the Republican Party to once again become the home of sane conservatism. Whether that happens or not is an open question. But it’s something many of us are willing to work for, and that even progressives should hope for.Beyond that, and more fundamental than that, we have to remind ourselves that we are not powerless to shape the future; that much of what has been broken can be repaired; that though we are many, we can be one; and that fatalism and cynicism are unwarranted and corrosive.

There’s a lovely line in William Wordsworth’s poem “The Prelude”: “What we have loved, Others will love, and we will teach them how.

”There are still things worthy of our love. Honor, decency, courage, beauty, and truth. Tenderness, human empathy, and a sense of duty. A good society. And a commitment to human dignity. We need to teach others—in our individual relationships, in our classrooms and communities, in our book clubs and Bible studies, and in innumerable other settings—why those things are worthy of their attention, their loyalty, their love. One person doing it won’t make much of a difference; a lot of people doing it will create a culture.

Maybe we understand better than we did five years ago why these things are essential to our lives, and why when we neglect them or elect leaders who ridicule and subvert them, life becomes nasty, brutish, and generally unpleasant.

Just after noon on January 20, a new and necessary chapter will begin in the American story. Joe Biden will certainly play a role in shaping how that story turns out—but so will you and I. Ours is a good and estimable republic, if we can keep it.

PETER WEHNER is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and a senior fellow at the Ethics and Public Policy Center. He writes widely on political, cultural, religious, and national-security issues, and he is the author of The Death of Politics: How to Heal Our Frayed Republic After Trump.

[missskzbiased]

I Hate That I’m Afraid to Love You

Genre: Romance , Friendship, Angst, Hurt /Confort , Suggestive, College Au, Enemies to Friends to Lovers Au, REALLY Slow burn, Love Square (?)

Pairing: Hyunjin X Fem!Reader  X Han X OC

WC: ~ 4,1K

[Previous] [Chap] [Next]

Masterlist

Warnings (general*): Language, Mentions of (Physical abuse, Death/ Loss of Loved One, Child Abandonment/Neglect, Divorce, Toxic Parents, Cancer, Mental disorder, Anxiety Attack, Alcohol, Food), Suggestiveness (?) 

*Not all chapters have these but I’m letting this like general because as a series I think it’s better if I warn all of them at once instead of warning out of nowhere since I’ve already written some chapters*

Notes: The “Angst/Hurt/Confort” is related to the plot and how the characters will build their relationship, therefore it’ll be mentioned more than once through the chapters. Although I don’t think I made it really distressing nor anything like that, please be aware of the Warnings if you don’t feel comfortable with the themes <3

This is an EXTREMELY slow burn, if you don’t like those, I don’t think you’ll enjoy the fanfic  :’(

Updates: I’ll update it once a week because I still have to write the chapters to come and review the ones I already wrote

                                                    ////

   Hate: a) To feel extreme enmity towards something or someone: Regard with active hostility; b) To have a strong aversion: Find very distasteful.

   Regarding all emotions someone could ever feel, you didn’t think something could be more powerful than hatred.

    What in the world could be more powerful than disliking someone to the point you couldn’t even stand their presence? It meant you would prefer to leave rather than stay. Nothing could ever beat that. Nothing. People could do insane things moved by it. Things no one should ever think about doing nor do at all for that matter. Things that could hurt and destroy everything around someone’s life.

   Even though common sense stated love was blind, you thought that maybe hate was blinder… Maybe hate was the one who blinded love. Who knew? You were sure hatred moved people to do the undoable. So what could be a better answer to your professor’s question? What was the most powerful feeling in the world?

   “Fear” You couldn’t help but roll your eyes at him. You didn’t know if it was the black hair, the dark eyes, or that pretty face everyone felt the urge to ogle but somehow Hyunjin had that funny effect on people around him. It was like people needed to hear him, like he held some kind of mesmerizing voice that made people believe he was a wise man on a young body.

   He wasn’t.

   “How is fear greater than hate?” You scoffed, wondering why people looked at him like he knew what he was talking about “I never saw someone actively doing something because of fear but people actually make decisions based on hatred” You pointed out, smirking at him. Hyunjin couldn’t possibly retort you because you were right, and sooner or later he would have to admit it.

   “I believe you didn’t quite understand the professor’s question, my dear” He had this ridiculous accent like he was British when he clearly wasn’t, and you couldn’t help but grimace at him before he continued “He asked what is the most powerful emotion not what emotion prompt people to do something… I must say that if an emotion paralyzes you to the point you can’t make a decision ─ as you pointed out yourself─ it must be quite powerful, don’t you agree?” He had that smug look on his face, suggesting he thought he had won your argument, and you would gladly wipe that smug grin out of there if Paris didn’t interrupt you.

   “Excuse me but I think it’s love” Her voice sounded polite even though you knew she thought Hyunjin was being dumb “If fear is something that paralyzes someone and that is your argument for power, I think love can beat fear, so it’s obviously more powerful” She stated, not bothering to defend her arguments.

  Typical Paris.

   “In what world love beats fear?” He jeered, looking at her as if she was growing a third head “I’m sorry to disappoint you, darling, but life isn’t a fairy-tale” He pouted mockingly.

  What a despicable guy.

  “It’s well known that love can make someone so eager to protect another thing that you could simply ignore your fears and get stronger. Mothers can lift a car to free their child, soldiers can fight harder if they have someone to go back to! And if you consider the paralyzing feeling, knowing love can beat this would mean it’s stronger than fear… When you love you can do or give up on doing things just to be able to protect something you love” She stated proudly before you looked at your professor expecting his verdict.

   Like on cue, the bell rang, announcing your class was over.

   And so did he, waving dismissively to all of you to go.

   Great, so it was a kind of philosophical game for him.

   Your pointless argument ended up with nothing but a bunch of opinions you couldn’t say was right; and when it came to insisting on being right there was just one person in this world you could say you almost hated… Hyunjin. He came to you with his signature─ a smug grin that made you want to punch his face every day─, getting in your way to pack your things as he picked up one of your pencils, spinning it between his fingers. You didn’t even make the effort to ask it back, settling for extending your palm up, so he would give it back to you.

   “Paris may have a point but I beat you” Should you punch his face for real someday? Probably not. You should keep good grades and a perfect image so you could keep your scholarship. What a pity. You shook your hand once, a silent ask for your pencil again, and this time he put it on your palm, leaning closer as he braced himself on the desk, trying to be seductive or something “What? Are you so upset you lost to me you don’t even want to talk anymore?” He said in a mocking tone that made you glare at him.

   “Even when I’m right I don’t want to talk to you” You reminded him, throwing your bag’s strap on your shoulder “Let’s go, Paris, Chan said He was going to have lunch with us today” You took her hand and guided her to the door, walking fast so you could leave Hyunjin behind but he, unfortunately, was right on your tail.

   “It’s funny because I recall you bragging every time you’re right and I’m not hearing it now” He said, easily picking up your pass, since his legs were way longer than yours “I guess you don’t want to talk to me because you lost again” Oh god, how could he be so insufferable?! You trailed your eyes around the stairs, looking for Chan on the crowd.

   Thankfully, there he was.

   Chan was a fine guy, as anyone with two functioning eyes could see or at least guess since a lot of girls were staring at him. He was waiting in the corner, his arms crossed on his chest and his bored eyes looking at the floor while he waited for you, his dark hair falling on his eyes, obliging him to run his fingers into his locks, looking charming in the eyes of the girls ogling him. You chuckled as you saw him eyeing them disgusted, clearly bothered by people looking at him doing nothing like he was some kind of idol or something.

   “Hey, Sweety!” You shouted, making him roll his eyes at the nickname that symbolized your friendship. It was the first name you ever called him, a sarcastic remark for the typical rich guy he was, a pretty and spoiled bastard.

   The circumstances you met weren’t the best ones but somehow they worked in your favor.    

   You were working hard on pilling some boxes ─ all of them with a “fragile” sticker that made you very aware about the possibility of losing your job if you dropped one of them─, so it was only natural you were pissed as hell when someone dropped all of them at once. As if he didn’t have anything better to do, Chan stood with his right hand raised to blame, a smirk plastered on his face as he said “Ops! Sorry, Sweety” making his dumb friends laugh at you.

    You couldn’t say you were a typical rich girl especially because you were, in fact, quite poor, so your antics were totally justified by the need you had to keep your job on your hands and change your paradigm.

   It shouldn’t be a surprise to anyone with a brain but he had to pay for the losses.

      So you shot him a tight smile when you saw him walking to the exit and said “Don’t forget to pay for those, Sweety”, making him shot a brow at you. You remembered clearly the way he got close to you, declaring with that cocky attitude you hated “Do you know who I am?” as if it would make any difference. You shoved him on the wall, losing your composure, and hissing at him that you didn’t care, and he should pay for it unless he was some kind of hallucination of your head.

   He came back every day after that.

   It has been four years since you two became friends against all the odds; and as a rich kid himself, Chan often paid for your meals, claiming your sorry ass should be thanking him instead of scoffing. You couldn’t help but nudge him with your elbow as soon as you got next to him, making him nudge you back as Paris clasped her hands together, her eyes beaming at your interaction.

   “It’s so beautiful how you guys love each other!” Paris couldn’t see you interacting with another human being without believing you were in love, and although it kinda annoyed you, you tried to overlook it since she didn’t have much more to hold a grudge against. She had been your roommate for the past three years at the dorms, and even though she was a hopeless romantic and annoyed the hell out of you to get together with someone, that was pretty much her only great flaw.

   You remembered perfectly how you thought your life was over once you met her.

   Your first impression of the dorm was awful as you got there and saw the overly pink and cute stuff hanging all around the place as she tried to organize everything in her room. She didn’t have much stuff but all her stuff was vibrant and girly to the point it hurt your eyes.

   You didn’t complain.                                                    

    You put your bag on the floor, looking at her with a grimace as she beamed to meet her new friend. You could say you hated to live with her in the beginning, her carefree self was annoying and her overly friendly antics pissed you off as she always asked you to do things together, watch movies, and eat, and talk and... Well, anything you didn’t want to do with someone you just met. On top of all, she was somewhat lazy and didn’t do much, which ended up with you doing all the chores.

   If you were to be fair, you were the one wearing out yourself, really.

   Everything changed on a particularly exhausting day.

   You had to be a damn good juggler on that week, working yourself until you couldn’t even think about anything clearly. You were like a zombie. A workaholic zombie. You had to go to classes, get your work done, do your assignments, clean up the dorm, study your ass off for the exams, pretend to be a normal human being by socializing with people… Well, basically you were pretty busy on being perfect as you expected you to be. It was obvious that after all your exams were finally done and you got out of work you needed to relax as soon as you got home.

    You fixed yourself something to eat, turned on the TV, crashed on the couch to watch something, and just blacked out right there.

   When you woke up on the next day’s afternoon, you got a cozy feeling above you, some fluffy blanket was thrown around your body, making you warm and peaceful. You shot your body up, sitting on the couch and looking around, alarmed, just to see the TV turned off, the dishes cleaned, the dorm tidy, and your bubbly roommate folding the clothes. You got up from the couch quickly and made a bow, apologizing profusely for being a mess and letting everything out of place on the night before. She scoffed, shrugging it off by waving her hand and said something around “I know you like to do the chores but you wore out yourself this week, you should take a break! You’re not being a burden! Isn’t helping each other out what friends do?” and it made you gasp before smiling.

    You didn’t think of her as a friend back then but it did change that day.

    “It would be even more beautiful if you didn’t try to make us swallow up your need to a nonexistent love between us every time I take you guys out” Chan pointed out, grimacing at her. You couldn’t say Chan and Paris got along even though you tried to make them friendly towards each other but you couldn’t blame Chan for being an ass since you weren’t any better to his friend.

   “So you’re taking us out to lunch? Wonderful!” Hyunjin beamed in sarcasm, knowing too well you would complain. You rolled your eyes and looked at Chan as you guys started to walk, getting on your way to his car so he could take you wherever he was planning to go.

  “It’s called a friendly gathering for a reason, Hyunjin… It means only friends can come” You feigned sympathy, pressing your lips together and looking at him with apologetic eyes. He scoffed at you and nudged Chan on the shoulder, resting his hand there as you walked.

   “I’m his friend too! He’s paying so I can go as a friend unless you want to pay for everyone, then I will have to retreat” He argued, an almost unnoticeable smirk on his lips. You pouted, turning to Chan to complain but he seemed to not pay attention to your childish argument, ignoring you as he looked straight ahead, unbothered.

   “He’s right” He stated before you could whine, showing that he was indeed hearing your conversation. Chan had this habit of pretending not to pay attention to you just to state something that showed he was tuned with everything even though he looked bored, and it always seemed to amaze you. He was a sneak little prick. You whined at him, complaining randomly so he would give up on his idea but he wasn’t buying it, pretty much ignoring you.

  “You’re rich! You don’t even need him to pay for you” You decided to complain to Hyunjin, who just shot you an amused look, scoffing.

   “You work! You don’t need it either” He pointed out, making you sigh. You looked at Paris for support but she was watching the world absent-mindedly, humming something she probably had come up with on the walk, testing over and over again some tune she seemed to like and picking up her phone quickly, recording it and sending it to you so she could save it. You felt your phone buzz in your pocket and sighed.

  What great friends you had.

  “Oh! Are you going to come to Han’s game?” She asked suddenly, looking at you excited “He even said if he couldn’t score a point for us this time he would treat us afterward!” You laughed at her enthusiasm, shaking your head in disbelief.

  “Was he laughing when you took the deal?” You asked and she seemed to think hard about it, her fingers gripping her chin as she frowned, trying to recall her conversation with your mutual friend. As soon as she remembered it, she smiled and nodded, making you snort “That’s because he’s a Líbero, Paris, they can’t score any points… He was hitting on you” You explained, her eyes shining in realization.

   “He pranked me!” She uttered, laughing.

   “If you actually paid attention to his explanations you would have guessed it” You pointed out, making Chan snort “Are you coming?” You asked him but Chan shot you a pointed look.

   “Do I look like the kind of guy who would go to a volleyball match?” He asked mockingly, making you shrug.

  “You don’t look like the kind of guy who spends your time with dumbasses but here we are going to eat with one” You retorted, glancing over your shoulders so Hyunjin knew you were talking about him. You finally made it to the car. Chan clicked his key’s button, unlocking his car from afar before you got there, opening the door, and getting inside with a cool motion that made you laugh. He was so playboyish!

   “I wasn’t even doing anything right now” Hyunjin complained as he got himself on the front seat in the same way Chan did, trying to look cool. You snorted at him, getting in the car and sliding to the side so Paris could get in beside you “Is it just to get my attention?” He teased, looking over his shoulder, getting startled at your face so close to his, your arms were resting on Chan’s sit, your chin resting on your arm as you looked ahead, watching as your friend backed up.

   You didn’t hate Hyunjin or something like this, you both just teased each other every time you could. You weren’t really fond of his antics since he was just a playboy that didn’t care about anything apart from him ─ and you weren’t really the kind to feel comfortable around dickheads─, so your friendship just wasn’t meant to happen. You could tolerate him well enough when he wasn’t pissing you off at classes though. You could say you both were academic rivals, extremely smart students that liked to overcome the other by doing witty remarks and good work…

    It wasn’t about being the best student, you didn’t believe in such a thing, it was about being better than him, and he wanted to be better than you.

    You could remember clearly the first time you met.

    He was a cocky guy back then too.

    He sat right next to you even though there were tons of available seats, his smirk suggesting he wasn’t really the friendly type, so he could only be there flirting. You rolled your eyes. He tried to chat with you, talking about him and how he was taking that psychology elective because the other ones seemed too easy for him. You nodded, not really listening to his monologue, and opened your notebook as soon as the Professor came in, presenting himself and giving you a deep question that made you contemplate in silence before you answered it proudly. He scoffed. He scoffed right on your face as he retorted you, and you retorted him back, and then he retorted you again… Your endless arguing conquered a proud clap from your Professor.

    You, on the other hand, conquered a rival.

   Later that week Chan invited you to see his new place, an apartment he rented with a friend even though both of them could easily live by themselves… You could never understand them. You arrived ranting about your classes, bringing the “smartass” issue as soon as you remember, and complaining about that guy that would seat beside you twice a week.

    You regret till this very day the way you said he was a hot and annoying guy because at this very moment he showed up on his sweatpants, using a towel to dry his hair as some drops fell onto his shirtless chest. He smirked at you, teasing you by saying “Hot, hm? So you were just playing hard to get. I like it” as he leaned on the wall, hanging the towel on his shoulder and making fun of you about it till this very day.

   “Hello? Earth to Y/N?” Paris was waving her hand right in front of your eyes, trying to get your attention. You shot your eyes to her, startled, smiling apologetically “We’re here” She announced, making you realize Chan was parking, a huge and presumably expensive restaurant standing there in all its glory.

   You would need to work at least to your death to be able to pay for breathing the air inside it.

  “Holy shit, are you rich?” You asked in disbelief, shock getting the better of you as you completely forgot who you were talking about. Chan grimaced at you like you were his dumb but lovingly friend, and you shot him a glare as soon as you composed yourself.

   Let Chan spend his money mindlessly and he would bankrupt his family.

                                                              ////

   You weren’t exactly the sport type but being on the grandstand together with a bunch of people you never talked to, all of you gathering by the same will to defeat the enemy… It just made its way to your mind somehow. You cheered loudly, booing at the opponents' team and their fans while clapping hard at your own team, shouting your lungs out every time Han made a good play, which was pretty often if you were fair.

   If anyone asked you when you made it to college if you would be going to games and cheering for your team, you would laugh on their faces… In fact, that was exactly what you did the first time Han asked you if you were going to his game, amused by his innocence. You two met because Paris was majoring in Music and He decided to take some music classes, which got him an invitation to a party Paris decided to throw on a Friday night.

   It was kind of cute how he was so flustered there, taking your offer for a glass of whatever Paris had mixed to serve as a drink with trembling hands. He was one of the first guys you had the pleasure to analyze as an aspiring psychologist, the clear signals of an awkward guy around the girl he had a crush all over his face: Pink cheeks, stuttering, exaggerated gesticulation, high pitched voice, inability to stay still as he swift his weight side to side, nervous eyes looking around the room…

    The poor boy was on edge, his eyes resting on Paris from time to time as if he wanted to say something but didn’t know the right words.

    Although he was a player in the court, he was far from that on real life and you found it cute.

   You remembered how he winced startled as you patted his shoulder, he looked like a little squirrel stocking his cheeks with alcohol just so he could gulp it down and choke, confused at your knowing look. He ended up being Paris’ partner for most of their projects, obviously trying to get some alone time with her, even though she always called you to listen to their compositions, blowing his plans. All that hanging out and his friendly behavior began a loose friendship, where you went to watch his games with Paris and you two went to watch Paris’s performances, your little alliance being settled so you wouldn’t feel excluded.

   That was how thoughtful he was.

   Paris screamed, hyped by your team score, and you followed her, standing up and cupping your mouth to scream his name, his eyes searching for both of you in the crowd, a bright smile when his eyes connected to yours. You waved at his way, getting a wave as an answer before he had to focus again on his match.

   As soon as the game ended, you both waited as the sea of people made their way out of the grandstand, mostly hyped for some afterward party that certainly would be happening somewhere. You and Paris made your way to the court, waiting for Han to come back from the locker room while chatting about the game. It took him some time to take his bath and get ready, and he came out of the locker room along with some friends that patted his back and complimented his plays, waving him goodbye as soon as they saw us waiting, knowing you wouldn’t go to the party.

   “Y/N told me you can’t score a point as a Libero” Was the first thing Paris said, chuckling, making Han cackle up.

   “You should know it by now! You came to literally every game I played for… Two years? It’s insane! What did you think? That I was a terrible player?” Paris grinned sheepishly and this time you cackled up.

   “It seems like your partner doesn’t believe in your abilities” You pointed out, making him snort “Anyway, I heard you would be paying if you didn’t score anything, so it’s on you today, loser” Han grinned, throwing his arms around your shoulders, pulling both of you closer as he guided you.

   “I can offer you the best hot dog in town” He agreed “Maybe even a soda if we all share it” Paris laughed, holding his wrist as she walked along with him, you took the hint to take his arm off your shoulders and let them have their moment, missing the way he pouted when you broke away the contact.

   “I can pay for our drinks” You offered, making Han gasp in mock chock.

   “Rich, aren’t we?” He joked, getting a light push on the shoulder as an answer.

   “I work for a reason, moron” You rolled your eyes “Now let’s split that bill” You smiled as the three of you made your way to your favorite hot-dog stand on campus.    

[roll-da-credits]

Lycoris Radiata Pt. 3 - Deku x Reader -

Inspired by the piano piece, "Lycoris Radiata," Written by Spikes, played by MusicalBasics.

Highly recommend listening to it whilst reading.

[1] [2] [3]

Word Count: 1.7k

When a childhood love shows up after being lost to time, it's unnerving to be presented by something so familiar yet different. Deku, lost to his own love and presented with the stresses of life and unrequited love, it isn't easy to see the world with an unbiased gaze.

!WARNING!

(This is for the entire series and not just this part)

BIG TW for death, suicide, abuse,

Minor TW for death imagery, toxic relationship, toxic friendship, toxic shit all around

A/n: First off, this last part, please read with caution. There are a lot of serious topics in this one that can be triggering to some people. This feels really weird to post ngl, I was actually planning on posting the entire thing in 1 part but it was ridiculously long and the pacing was so incredibly slow. After editing it down and proofreading, I'm extremely proud and glad I made it a 3 parter. So, again, read with caution, enjoy the story, and I hope you cried.

Imagery used:

Snapdragon seed pods, red snapdragons, red spider lilies

He came to your café a little bit more often now, there was a fear inside of him that he wouldn’t be able to save you either.

He didn’t know from what, where, or when. But after the two innocent girl’s life was taken away from them just because they were in the wrong situation. He felt a little bit paranoid at your own safety.

But almost every time he inquired you to get extra precautions, your boyfriend would always assure Deku that you were safe with him. And Deku trusted him.

Deku would constantly talk to you about whatever topic came into his mind, he wanted to talk to you more and love you even more even if it hurt him. Call him a masochist he didn’t care, love to him was a drug he couldn’t get enough of, even if that very thing giving him so much love can’t receive it from him, because you were receiving it from someone else.

His pink tinted eyes now growing red from the sheer amount of love he had for you. It grew cloudy and red, to the point where he found everything you do close to perfect.

He saw you as a beautiful goddess.

As the days slowly change from Summer to Fall, he saw more of the red flowers he found in the cemetery growing near your café.

When he asked you if you wanted to get rid of them, you laughed and brushed it off with what he thinks was a sly smile.

He wanted to believe that you actually started blooming them around the café since you knew he found them fascinating. Of course, there was no proof to this theory of his, but something Deku liked to do was a dream, and right now he dreamt of you giving hints of your love.

Then one day, he walked by the café just as it was closing on his way home and found your boyfriend yelling at you. You yelled back at him in retaliation and brought your hand up, only to get it caught by your boyfriend. For the first time, Deku finally saw how tight his grip was when he was mad.

He was sure it was going to leave a bruise on your skin. But he didn’t want to interfere.

When your boyfriend left, he finally revealed himself and comforted you. He told himself he was doing this not because he liked you but because you were his friend. He asked you what the argument was about but you looked up at him and smiled.

There was something weird about your smile, something he couldn’t quite place.

“It’s fine. He broke up with me.” Your smile didn’t match the tone of your cracking voice, and he had to stop himself from tightening his grip on you when you pushed him slightly away and begun walking back home.

He saw the red flowers around you bloom brighter than they ever had before, and he thought if it was a sign from her subconscious asking him to prod further. But he won’t, he can’t.

His rose gaze along with the sweet image he has of your boyfriend prevented him from going further.

After all, he was a hero, he knows best when to prod further. Even if he was biased in the situation.

~

Deku looked at his phone and found his text messages unanswered and ignored. He had just gotten accepted to UA, he wants to share the news with you.

But you had moved out from your parents’ house to go live alone in a different city with the school of your dreams. He confirmed this by asking your parents, though they did seem slightly worried over you he expected that of such caring parents. He thinks it was just because you were finally living alone.

But he wasn’t sure why there were so many unanswered texts, why you had completely left his life.

He felt his heart crashing into a million pieces.

It took him a rather long time to get over you. An even longer time to forget about the lasting memories of you.

On his daily run in UA just after getting into his 2nd year, on the road, he found a red snapdragon flower. It was radiant and beautiful. For a split second he got reminded of you, and your strange love for red flowers, though he thought it was just due to your unique quirk.

Not wanting to feel any more pain towards the coming memories, he dropped the flower and continued on his jog.

For some reason, he chose the exact same route the next day, this time he found the snapdragon dried and dead. The seed pods in the fallen stem were terrifying. They looked like miniature skulls and he shivered at the thought of something so beautiful being able to die so quickly.

Finally reaching his third year, he readied himself to become a fully-fledged hero as it was just a year away.

He found himself re-living some of his old memories though, Bakugou had asked him to go back to the forest they used to play as a child. It was his way of apologizing to Deku after all the years of torment.

In their path, they found a red camelia tree. The flowers were beautiful and Deku again thought of you.

Just in cue, Bakugou laughed, “Remember when I made Y/n cry because I smashed one?” Deku laughed at the thought but Bakugou grew quiet, “You know, they never respond to my texts ever again. I never told you that, but we stayed close even after I began bullying you. At the time I didn’t see them as a worthless quirkless person like you.”

Deku rolled his eyes, “Thank you Kaachan.” He said rather passive-aggressively.

“No that wasn’t my point, my point is when you told me they disappeared from your life they disappeared from mine as well.”

Deku shook his eyes, forcing the memories back down, “I don’t want to remember it Kaachan, you know I had the biggest crush on them. They must’ve found better people now.”

Deku pushed the memories down and didn’t let them resurface.

After all, if he was to become a hero, he couldn’t have old memories dragging him down. Even if it meant denying he still had feelings for you.

~

Deku checked his phone repeatedly.

20 unanswered texts, 10 unanswered calls since last week.

Fear bubbled up in his stomach.

What if you decided to leave him behind once again???

What does Deku do when he was stressed?

Drown himself in work.

He opened his laptop and begun reading and replying to hundreds of emails, even reading a lot of spam emails from his admirers. One did catch his eye though.

It was filled with videos. He opened it and from the thumbnails of the videos immediately grew even more panicked.

He clicked on one and watched through it. His eyes widened and fear washed over him like a tide in the sea.

He clicked on another one hoping his hunch wasn’t through.

He clicked on another and another.

He finally accepted it.

All of the videos you sent to him were your recordings of weekly diary entries in the form of video. Each of them you were covered in bruises, tear-stained cheeks, and ragged breathing. Your desperate pleas of not being able to break up with your boyfriend.

He quickly realized your boyfriend was not who he said he was, and that all his actions were just acted. He was a manipulative son of a bitch who trapped you in his spider web. He was the spider stringing a beautiful butterfly in his web. Slowly but surely wrapping you in silk, trapping you, suffocating you.

When he finally finished the last one he quickly ran towards your place. Begging to whatever god there was that you were safe.

“Did you know Izuku?”

Your words in the video echoed in his mind as he ran and ran.

“The flower you gave me were actually Red Spider Lilies.”

He lived rather far away but he couldn’t stop, he won’t.

“I’m surprised you didn’t know what they were nor what they symbolized”

His legs ached and burned but he continued on running.

“They’re symbols of death and moving on, sometimes even reincarnations.”

He finally got to your city and ran to your café, hoping you were there.

“They symbolize the change of seasons from Summer to Fall, truly beautiful flowers.”

When he saw the café closed with neither you nor your boyfriend in sight he continues running to your apartment.

“I never told you this about my quirk, but you know they predict my emotions? I think they can predict my future too.”

He felt like a rabid dog with tears flowing down like waterfalls.

“The spider lilies growing through my subconscious around the café were proof of that theory.”

No, no NO, he won’t let this happen. He won’t let you leave him once again.

He won’t let his rose-tinted gaze show him only your best parts, making him deny all your bad sides all your woes and tears.

He immediately barged into your apartment only to be greeted by the sickeningly sweet smell of flowers.

The room was dark, despite it being 1pm.

He walked slowly through the entrance and found a scatter of red flowers blooming everywhere.

He called your name, no answer.

He screamed for your name, no answer.

But he did get his answer when he arrived at your living room.

The entire room was almost covered from ceiling to the floor with red spider lilies, and the lushest areas where they grew the densest were in the middle of the room.

Deku screamed in agony as he held your hanging body close to his chest.

It wasn’t blood that now stained his fingers nor his clothes. It was the red petals falling down from the ceiling to his hair that taunted him.

It mocked him.

It told him that you gave all the signs, you showed him everything, and yet he was too drugged in the most addictive drug of them all, love, to even notice your hints.

And now he was paying the price.

After all, he was a hero, he needed to be responsible for his actions. Even if it meant finally accepting that you were gone… forever.

[hoebaring]

Open Books (38) | Kim Namjoon

An unpredicted switch of journals brings two strangers close. Strangers with similarly perturbing experiences, and beautifully healing souls. Abused, bullied, and traumatized, they help each other, and those around them break away from similar experiences, heal and grow gracefully. With thoughtful emotions, and ever growing minds, Y/n and Namjoon are delicate heroes. They understand the best in each other, and the worst, like open books.

Tags/Warnings :- Child abuse, domestic violence, traumatized characters, bullying, self harm, mentions of toxic relationships, angst. I know it's dark but trust me it gets better! namjoonXreader, Namjoon and Y/n, A slow burn romance, fluff, strangers to friends, strangers to lovers, self love, healing, etc.

Cross posted on Wattpad

Written by Author G

Word Count :- 500 words. Very short.

Masterlist   Previously Next

~Only them, for each other~

"Are you a magician?"

"Why do you ask?"

"Because when I look at you, everyone else disappears."

Silence prevails in the air as Y/n stifles a laugh down, her mind drawing up ridiculous pictures of the dramatically unrealistic string music that would play in the background if these lines were ever to be used in a TV show.

"That's cute." Y/n replies, scrolling through her Pinterest page as she searches for more pickup lines, a solemn expression on her face. That was the rule of the game after all. No giggling, no laughing and certainly no blushing.

Sat on the cozy couch in the living room, Y/n and Bo-ra waste their time as they try using pickup lines on each other to see who would last longer.

"You're cuter" Bo-ra counters with a smirk, winning the game in a matter of a few seconds once Y/n smiles, and laughs soon after.

"HAH!" Bo-ra jumps up from the couch victoriously "And I win, AGAIN" she concludes with a flip of her hair smugly.

"It's not a contest, luv." Y/n laughs, proceeding to scroll through more pins on the app, getting ready for another 'battle' with her crackhead of a bestie.

"Sure sure" Bo-ra retorts with a roll of her eyes before sitting back down only to tease the girl "If you're like this now, I can't imagine how you must be when you're around Namjoon"

"You know.. it never really was something I wanted for to happen" Y/n admits, referring to her crush (and more) on the boy in question, a hand running through her hair as she tries to smooth the slightly tangled hair.

"What never was?"

"Liking someone. The mere idea of dating would make me cringe, remember?" Y/n reminds Bo-ra, who counters logically.

"Well, that is because the 'idea of dating' that most people around us had in school was very different from our idea of it." Bo-ra shifts in her seat, trying to get more comfortable as she refers to the numerous hormonal teens they had for classmates.

"I know! But I still feel like I'm crazy for this."

"Luv. You are crazy." Bo-ra smirks as Y/n laughs.

"Only for you." Y/n winks, giggling once she sees the horror written on her friend's face.

"Who are you and what have you done with my Y/n?" Bo-ra exaggerates.

"It's Y/n 2.0, darling" Y/n winks and guffaws once again.

"That was horrible." Bo-ra scrunches her nose, feigning disgust to which Y/n doesn't respond, distracted by a notification that popped up on her phone.

"Oh my god!!" Y/n shrieks, jumping up from the couch enthusiastically.

"JEJU ISLAND!!"

"What are you talking about?" Bo-ra furrows her eyebrows, peering over Y/n's shoulder to look at the message.

"WE'RE GOING TO JEJU ISLAND?!" Bo-ra shrieks, hitting Y/n on the back hard excitedly to which the girl winces.

One of the few places they have always wanted to visit together was Jeju Island. And the fact that their university would be taking this year's batch over there for a 2 day trip was mind blowing.

"Wow.. it's almost like fate" Y/n jokes, sitting back down on the couch with a sigh, smile never leaving her face.

"does that mean you plus me equals fate?" Bo-ra quips with a smirk.

"Shut up!" Y/n giggles, throwing a pillow at the others girl's face with a grunt.

Regardless of what one may say, their friendship is definitely fated. There's no one else that fits the role of a best friend better than Bo-ra does for Y/n, and Y/n for Bo-ra. It's them, and only them, for each other.