#it’s a very unhealthy kind of love bc i’m an enabler and will say anything he does is fine

[padfootastic]

Honestly one thing I feel weird is, why is it important whether Sirius is tall or not TO YOU? Meant, if you love Sirius, don’t you have to love him when he’s tall and when he’s short? Why, my favorite character is Sirius, and I love tall Sirius and love short Sirius. Because his height isn’t what made me love him. Is it to you? You love ‘tall Sirius’, not Sirius himself? It’s just weird to me usually people focus on just his height while they focus on many things when it comes to our Remus.

gonna be honest, i made like. 2 comments in the tags of someone else’s post once. i wouldn’t call that focusing on his height.

also,,,,,dear anon,,,,,have u gone through my blog? the whole thing is an ode to sirius black and james potter 😭😭 how can i make my love for him any more obvious

(also gonna take this to answer the anon who i can’t publish bc…names, but, why would u think any of my opinions on sirius are influenced by remus + his fandom when i don’t even like him 😭😭 if anything, i’d make sirius tall so he could take care of his darling angel baby james but then that doesn’t work either bc like i said, my james is *large* and carries sirius around regularly and manhandles him effortlessly so,,,,where do we go?) (also, pls, i beg, stop equating physical characteristics with sexual positions. i know a lot of fics/people do it, but that’s not how it works 🥲)

[excaive]

Does Keith know that their parasite is the parasite god? Can the two talk to each other? What is their bond like? How does it differ from kenji and kjs bonds with their parasites?

(Also hi I’ve followed you for a while but only recently started interacting so I’m gonna give myself a sign off so you know which questions and stuff are me! Unless you’d rather I not!) -🐉✨

OGH HELLO HI my first signed anon that's so cute 👉👈💖

rubs my hands together thank u for enabling me to info dump i love talking about ocs when the info isn't [redacted] for plot reasons :3

Keith DOES know that it's Kqo'twec that infected them, because they agreed to it. It wasn't involuntary.

To give a little context, Kqo'twec has like a hub of sorts called the Realm of Sanctuary (RoS) that's a place all parasite's have a connection to. Here's a simplification of how it works:

For reasons that I'll be a little vague about, Keith has a strong connection to RoS, which isn't exculsive to them there's a good handful of other people like that, and they can sort of access RoS when sleeping. This makes ppl like Keith however very suceptible to use it as an escape to an unhealthy dependent degree - and because of an Event™, Kqo'twec got interested in Keith but wasn't able to get in touch with them bc Keith shut themself out from RoS.

It's only when Keith is bleeding out in a ditch that they manage to come back to RoS bc hey why the fuck not I'm gonna bleed to death anyway, might as well comfort myself - and then Keith meets Kqo'twec there. I actually made a drawing of it, not the best format for an ask but whatever LOL

Anyway they chit chat, Kqo'twec infects Keith and saves their life and they both fuck off from Sunjin for a year to work on their bond bc Holy Fuck. That's gonna take some work and Keith is sooo supressed emotionally that trying to bond with the most Major Parasite Ever is a challenge LMAO

When they do return to Sunjin their bond is like Merged, so basically just good and healthy. Kqo'twec is less verbally vocal and just manifests as like suggestions or projecting thoughts at Keith to communicate.

AND HOW DOES IT DIFFER FROM KENJI OR KJ YOU ASK? Well Kenji is [redacted] territory so I can't say anything unless I blatantly lie, which is always an option. Keeping u on ur toes with my lore :p But I can say Kenji has like. a really warped perception of love towards his parasite Tokube. The bond is great and all but Kenji's vibes are so rancid and it will be something Keith would be able to pick up on if they ever interact LOL

But compared to KJ - there really isn't much of a difference At All.

Kqo'twec is just like. The Parent of all parasites and have RoS as a place to connect with them, but Kqo'twec is as much of a parasite as their Kin.

Kqo'twec didn't give themself the God title, that's the effect of humans looking at this weird and extremely kind space noodle and going 'That's God.'

Kqo'twec isn't an entity separated from the Kin, they just. have Administrator Privileges (RoS). Hope that makes sense <3 They have many of the same qualities as any other parasite and this absolutely means those qualites can be exploited if you're smart enough to realize that and have the means to try and do something about it :)

[telehxhtrash]

So, after all these asks (pls dw about the separation scene, its not about it lolololllll), how would u sum your overall thoughts about killugon, with the acknowledge you have? The major traits, most important points, mostly healthy or unhealthy, fav moments...? What do you like the most? Because replying all of this might have an impact on u, too, I guess it makes you work your thoughts too lol (but I hope u have fun!!!)

HI HELLO sorry took me a while to reply my brain was a bit fuzzy jkdnfgkjd

Oh man, okay, i’ll try and summarize my thoughts!! 

I think Killua and Gon’s relationship is characterized as a blooming relationship between people who have been deeply hurt by other people’s actions, but who find comfort in each other. I think the most important aspect is the fact that they’re both so devoted to each other since the beginning and are each others’ light in the darkness you know? Gon helped Killua find his inner light, and Killua dragged Gon out of the darkness in return. They’re written as one soul in two bodies, soulmates, people who belong together. 

But what I love the most about it is how Togashi characterizes soulmates... Bc sometimes, even if you belong to someone, things don’t work out. Things don’t just “click”, no matter how amazing it sounds, relationships take work... And that’s why I love the way Togashi is writing their relationship. 

Because they belong together, we’ve seen it countless times, it’s been reinforced in the narrative so many times, but yet, they hurt each other, and that’s normal, it’s okay ! It doesn’t change anything about the fact that they belong to each other. Sometimes you just accidentally hurt each other.

So you grow apart, heal a bit, find comfort and a sense of identity in other things. Gon needs to find his identity in something else than his chase for Ging, and Killua in something else than Gon. They both had toxic traits that prevented them for having a healthy relationship : Gon’s recklessness, stubborness and need for validation clashed with Killua’s self-loathing and feelings of unworthiness. Their own trauma and issues kind of got fueled by the other’s actions, with Killua’s self-sacrificing tendencies fueling Gon’s need to prove his worth and find Ging ; while Gon’s words of affirmation fueled Killua’s self-loathing and sense of not being worthy of him.

I think it’s an interesting message, that sometimes your trauma can get in the way and you accidentally enable each other’s worst traits, even though you belong together and love each other. But sometimes things aren’t just right yet. You need to do a little bit more growing up, learn to live a little more. You have to experience new things, heal, grow, and come back to each other stronger.

And that’s the one thing I really like about Killua and Gon’s story. The idea that relationships take work, and that sometimes you hurt each other even when you love each other. And since there’s not a lot of material after their separation, I can’t say for sure, but the final message of their relationship will probably be that things fall into place and eventually turn out okay even when it seemed like you lost everything with the person u know? Idk. It feels like a very nice narrative.

I’m not sure this even makes sense? ANYWAYS HAHA - so yeah, I really like the narrative in their story. I think it’s a beautiful message of hope and growth, while still remaning natural and realistic. My favorite Killugon moments are all the big ones!! The Whale Island stargazing scene, that reinforces their need to be together under the stars; the “i’m glad i met you”; the “it has to be killua”; the “gon you are light”... any scene that just highlights that idea that they’re two people who belong together - it makes my lil heart soft HAHAHA

ty for this ask i hope this was kind of clear jkndkf

[jewpacabruhs]

hi guys! so this post is gonna be a rambly mess but fuck it, here ya go. if u dont wanna read all of it, u dont have to; skip down to underneath the tl;dr in bold text for the important bits :)

(there’s a brief & non-graphic mention of a triggering topic in the next paragraph. please be sure to skip this next paragraph if the thought of suicide is going to upset you.)

alright. so i didn't share this originally, but i spent some time in a psychiatric unit this month. suicidality related. 1000% unrelated from anything online, i've just struggled with depression for a very long time & shit happens. i didn't intend to share that at all & i certainly don't want pity; i'm telling u guys bc my time in the unit was extremely eye-opening, and i have some insight to share. since i've gotten out, with the help of my newest anti-depressant (fourth time’s a charm lol), i'm seeing the world in a better light & i finally have the energy to and the interest in exploring what it has to offer, which frankly i've never had before.

with that has come the realization that i’ve come to do something very unhealthy, and i want to break out of it. and that’s how much i’ve come to rely on my fandom life. i don’t want to get too candid publicly, but mental illness took a lot from me, and i lost most of my life, my future, and my options in the last few years. next year will involve a lot of working on rebuilding things. but in the time that i let things fall to pieces around me & i absolutely couldn’t get out of bed, i had a phone and i had a laptop. so when i couldn’t get up and physically face the world, i built up a new world online.

and i don’t think that’s a completely uncommon experience. most people are able to better manage things, and evenly juggle real life with an internet life (like i did back in middle school), because most people can’t abandon their real lives entirely like i managed to; but i do think a lot of people nowadays rely on their fandom life and their fandom friends when their irl situation isn’t ideal. and that’s an excellent coping mechanism in theory, but i think it’s debilitating in the long run.

forgive me for sounding like an old person, but i’m a heavy nostalgist and a bit of an anarcho-primitivist in that i resent modern technology's influence on society - but that hasn't stopped me from letting it be a big part of my life out of accessibility. the internet kept me occupied during my low points, and i became dependent, but i've realized i don't wanna live like that anymore. i’m vaguely grateful that it usually kept me busy enough that i wasn’t thinking the bad thoughts as frequently, but more than anything, i’m resentful that my grasp on reality got lost somewhere along the way, and i let time get away from me, too. because, again, an internet life should be a fun hobby, but when it’s a lifestyle and it becomes an excuse to avoid dealing with our real lives, bc our real lives aren’t as rewarding or as exciting, then it’s unhealthy.

everything’s at our fingertips these days, but i deeply believe human interaction, fun, and fulfillment shouldn't be spoon-fed to us through a screen. it's easy access, sure, but at the end of the day, is it any way to live? compared with how much world there is to see, i’m no longer satisfied with the thought of sitting behind a screen for another five years. i used to be, when i had no hope and no drive, but not anymore. i’m not gonna let myself settle for staying busy with the thing that takes the least amount of work & movement. not only because i’m a whole ass adult who needs to start sorting my shit out for the long run, but also because i deserve better.

and it’s fucking hard! especially for those of us who are neurodivergent. i dropped out of school three fucking times due to crippling social anxiety and utter lack of ambition and energy. i lost all my friends through that (making friends post-school is hard af); the thought of having to go out and remake friends makes me wanna fucking cry. i have a hard enough time making friends online, i’ve even come to struggle with correspondence thru text & email. phone calls? outta the question. but that’s therapy shit, and i know i’ll get there. i just have to stop putting life off by staying in a comfort zone.

and it’s interesting; depression and anxiety really took everything from me, and while i was dwelling in my own misery, my adhd worsened and decided to make my entire brain revolve around my fixations, so i didn’t have to deal with my own life. can’t think about how much you wanna die and how much you can’t function in society if you’re busy thinking about a ship you like or a character you find interesting. so i latched onto the safety of that. aggressively. problem with that is that once you let your “happiness” (as much of it as you can feel in the midst of your depressive episode, anyway) revolve around an interest, that’s all you have. so you become dependent and reliant, and that’s never good, especially if you’re someone like me who feels pathetic & ridiculous when you realize it’s all you can bring yourself to care about. 

and i think that’s what i realized in the psych ward (where there’s legitimately nothing to do; i did soooo much more thinking than usual, and i already think too much haha); mental illness will try to fuck up your lifestyle, so you have to eradicate the things that’ll let that happen in the first place. for example, like i said, my adhd tries to counteract my depression by making me hyperfixate and/or hyperfocus on something else to protect me from bad personal thoughts, and that’s good in theory (doing something you enjoy when you feel bad, to distract urself, is the number one most basic coping skill you learn), but i can’t do it in moderation, i let it run my life, and that’s made me worse in the long run. so i have to force myself out of that completely and not let myself fixate on things that make me happy in the short term, but don’t ultimately further me as a person. having fixations helped me through some awful times, but now i need to force myself to grow up, you know?

and while tumblr and other social media is an excellent way to indulge those fixations, it’s an aggressive enabler, in more ways than one. what i mean by that... okay, so while i’m the type of person who self-destructs while unhealthy, i do occasionally lash out. and i know some people completely explode rather than implode when they’re not doing well. and that’s how you get discourse, i think. because when mental illness makes us care much more about our interests than we ought to, and someone has a differing opinion about that interest, the instinct is of course to attack, if you’re that kind of person. i don’t think i am, but depression and boredom go hand in hand, and i might be inclined to care more about discourse than i would if i were healthy, purely because it’s entertaining and something to do. 

that’s a long winded way of saying, while i stand wholeheartedly by my past positions, i do regret starting shit in the first place. i’m not the kind of person who genuinely cares about much and i have little to no sense of morality (im a chaotic neutral bastard), so the fact i was bored enough to start shit really goes against my character and says a lot about how bad i’ve been. so i apologize for all that. but, again, i think that's just what happens when something is truly your everything. and i think the chronic negativity of modern fandom is a result of how damn seriously we all take it, because we care so much and we’re so dependent. fandom’s supposed to be fun, but it’s just too damn stressful this way.

idk my point in sharing all this, but i do think it'd be cool if this kinda got yall thinking. even if you don't engage in discourse, if fandom is just one of your only consistent sources of happiness, that's not healthy either. we all gotta break out & exist more & louder & more positively. and unfortunately i think tumblr fandom (and maybe all modern fandom) is no longer a place that encourages positivity and health.

but for all my criticism, i do just wanna say how eternally grateful i am that i was fortunate enough to meet the people i call my best friends through tumblr. they're my family, truly, and all the bullshit in this fandom has been worth it simply because it brought them to me. i love them to death and i always will, even if interests change, even if we grow apart, even if we quit speaking entirely in the next few years, i love them with my whole heart in a way that transcends a simple fandom friendship and i'm so glad we bonded over sp in the first place. that’ll never change.

i will also always love south park itself. now that the cat's outta the bag about my hospital visit, i can brag about my most pathetic and obsessive accomplishment; the fact that i've never let circumstance stop me from watching a new south park as it airs, and i've now watched sp on 1) an airplane, and 2) in a psych ward. i win for most dedicated fan tbfh. dsjkf & i'll keep that tradition, and i'll still watch this stupid show til it ends! it'll always hold a special place in my heart, & kyman's still my most meaningful & long-term ship. i'll never stop loving it. 

tl;dr

so, to recap; for 2020 i'm making myself step back from fandom (not just sp fandom, but fandom in general) and quit letting my world revolve around my fixations so i can enjoy the outside world a little more, mental illness be damned, and the first step is gonna be quitting tumblr. this blog won't be deleted and i may occasionally post (maybe when next season airs) but you're absolutely free to unfollow bc this'll be a mostly inactive blog. i’m also unfollowing everyone, so mutuals, please don’t take that personally. 

i will, however, try to write more prolifically, bc fic writing is something i'm able to do in moderation & enjoy, and i hope to get back into it. so if you'd like, you can keep an eye out for any upcoming fanfic i may post - my ao3 is leere. i also have snapchat, instagram, & twitter my mutuals can ask for asap (bc ill be logging out for good by the afternoon of the 31st, which is tomorrow) - though i'm not very active on any of them. still, if you wanna have access to me, i’ll be there.

i want some connection to the fandom still, albeit without letting my life revolve around it, so i'll be starting a new open-to-the-public kyman discord server! the post with the invite for that will go up soon. nvm im too anxious  

thank you for reading, thank you for the good times (thnks fr th mmrs), and i hope everyone has a good 2020! 

[mothmansfriend]

when i’m sad oh god i’m sad pt. 1

link to pt. 2

follows a very similar timeline to @tearxofink‘s fic Rules for a Functioning Alcoholic but will prob have differences (such as no established relationships) and takes place in @illogicallyinclined‘s hockey au after the mention of Remus possibly having undiagnosed bipolar disorder

update: i think its important to acknowledge roughly where this takes place in the big timeline bc D doesn’t really drink past freshman yr in this AU because of self preservation and trauma, alcoholism was more an issue before then in high school (when remus and d were Rowdy Boys) but the stress of Logan’s concussion lead to some heavy drinking that was caught quickly by Virgil because Remus Cannot Keep Secrets. 

summary: Remus has undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder and is dealing with a severe depressive episode in the aftermath of realizing that binge drinking with D wasn’t just his own search to Feel Something, but was also D’s relapse into alcoholism. Remus comes to the realization of lost time during manic episodes and refuses help.

tw: graphic descriptions of a depressive episode, self harm (burning),  suicidal thoughts, and suicidal intent (but not attempt). unhealthy coping mechanisms, alcohol abuse, mentioned alcoholism, undiagnosed mental illness, miscommunications on shared trauma, ask to tag if i missed any.

--

Remus doesn’t think he’s ever felt happy in his life. 

But that can’t be true. He’s sure it wasn't even two months ago he swore he’d never felt sad before in his life and he knows that one wasn’t true either.

Though, right now the younger Prince twin couldn’t even be certain he feels sad right now. He can identify some feelings, like dizziness (he stumbles through the lobby doors, it’s too bright out its giving him a headache that better not be a hangover), guilt (“Do you even think about anyone but yourself?” No, Virgil, you know Remus better than that. “You know how hard getting sober was the first time, D suddenly taking you out to the bar during the week didn’t raise any flags?” It didn’t, Remus is too self absorbed), and most importantly something he can’t quite label that came in through his lungs smoother than the cheap cigarettes he hates (but uses as an excuse to turn himself into a human ashtray) and settled deep inside him just under a month ago (weeks before D suggested goiung to the club on w Tuesday evening for the first time in almost a year) and it's getting heavier and heavier every day. Possibly, relief was felt when he was greeted by a totally empty apartment instead of a holier-than-thou brother trying to enforce ‘responsibility’ and his first real friend whom he recently enabled in a relapse. 

The normally obnoxious and loud man silently rides the elevator to their floor, tripping over his own feet as he exits not even offering a head bop to the cheesy elevator music. He enters the apartment and slams the door harder than necessary but can’t bring himself to feel bad. There's no elegance or emotion to closing his door, landing on his bed full clothed after barely kicking off his shoes and grabbing the controller to turn on Netflix and select the first Saw movie.

--

It’s halfway through the second movie when he hears someone return home and make what is probably lunch before leaving again. He takes a moment to wonder if his professors or classmates notice his absence or if they’re just thankful for it. He’s sober and he feels the burns on his ankles and arms throb in time with his black eye. God he wishes he wasn’t, but pissed off his last more-than-a-little-sketchy friend and he doesn’t have the energy to find the stash he knows D hid in the apartment somewhere.

--

Just as Saw II ends and the third begins, he opens his window and lights up a cigarette with a lighter he knows he stole from someone. The smoke coats his throat and the terrible burning taste of nicotine sticks to the roof of his mouth, the headrush barely makes it worth it. Remus considers maybe he needs something stronger, Virgil seems like the type to secretly smoke weed. Wandering minds think about the movie he just watched and the classic needle pit, he certainly isn’t afraid of needles. He slams his head into the glass of his window and takes another drag. The reality of that thought would be a bigger issue than many things he’s done, it’s not often that he rejects things his brain throws at him. He stares out the window and a group of students pass and he sees the exact moment they smell his shitty cigarettes as they look around and glare when they see him. He realizes how often people look at him like that and it feels like the first time that it bothers him. He puts the cigarette out in his lower calf and holds it there until the darkened skin and burning pain is all he can think about

--

The fifth movie ends marking around 10 hours of blankly staring at the screen. He’s only wearing boxers and the ratty t-shirt he’s been wearing for days. Both roommates are home. The group chat is going off Remus briefly saw a few messages, a reminder about practice Thursday morning, Patton looking for baking suggestions, Virgil asked if anyone heard from Remus because they didn’t finish their discussion.

Remus mutes the chat for the first time and when his phone falls off the bed, doesn't bother reaching for it.

--

The eighth movie ends. It’s been darkout for awhile, though he isn’t sure quite how long. Remus really feels as if his body has melted and merged with the bed. He hopes he’s dying. He eats stale chips he had hidden in his nightstand and can’t even get out of bed to smoke half a cigarette and put it out on his exposed thigh.

He falls asleep after silencing his brain as best as he can right now.

--

The next time he wakes up the sun is either setting or rising. He doesn’t really care. The hockey player doesn’t really know if he's stayed still this long, almost ever. If he thinks about it though he is pretty sure he did this last spring. He’s also pretty sure no one noticed last time either. Sleeping seemed to have helped a little and he figured he could probably make a trip to the bathroom and maybe the kitchen if he’s lucky, he noticed that pizza box under his bed is smelling pretty terrible. It’s been four days since he was home spoke to anyone, and no one has checked in on him. He hasn’t left his room since his return, the gatorade bottle of piss is evidence of such. And miraculously, he actually manages to throw out the pizza, steal a ziplock bag full of Roman’s cereal, and use the bathroom. While washing his hands he stares at the shower and decides it’s waited four days, it can wait one more. Just before heading back to his room, Remus swipes the mickey of vodka he saw behind the flour. 

He watched the sun rise through his half open blinds and doesn’t remember the last time he saw the sun rise. Remus had yet to touch the vodka, mostly because it hit the floor hours ago and he’s pretty sure he can deal for a few more hours. Today marks day five in a world without Remus Prince opening his fucking mouth to say some dumb shit that probably hurt someone and he didnt even notice. Remus can’t bring himself to care. He can’t stop thinking about how no one has asked about him since. He read the groupchat, Remus knows he’s a nosey bitch, no one has asked about him since a halfhearted response from Roman implying he hadn’t been gone long enough to worry. This sparks a kind of exhausted anger and Remus feels no amount of guilt for stealing his brothers vodka. The smoke weighing him down from inside lulls him back into the bone deep fatigue with no release.

--

It’s night again, likely early in the morning. Remus’s head is a deep echoing cave of different ways he could die if he just got out of bed. He’s been thinking about the hunting knife he swiped at someone’s house party months ago, for a few hours maybe. He’s had many thoughts like this before, about how fragile human skin is, about how fun it could be to slice open, how warm his own blood would be as it flowed out and he could reach in and feel his final breath. 

God, does he want that. His hand reaches out and grabs his chest pulling on any skin he can grip onto as tight as he could. He’s never been good at anything, he knows he has never been a good person, he can’t stop circling around what Roman could possibly mean that Remus hasn’t been gone for long enough to worry when he’s so sure he’s never been gone more than three days. His phone though, if he goes back far enough in his phone, he thinks Roman is right. Google Maps places him in places he doesn’t recognize in cities he’s never been to. His chest seizing up in a way he’s only seen on others. 

He’s always been able to hold onto even if his parents didn’t love him, even if no one ever liked him or missed him, that Remus Prince was never fake, he never played nice, he never pretended to be someone he wasn’t he never hid his feelings about anything. If anyone asked him, he’d tell them and it’s their fault if it hurt their feelings. But, how can that be true now? Who is he on these days he doesn’t remember. 

Forgetting where he was or getting distracted midway through a task or conversation were always normal for him, the ADHD if he had to guess; but the realization it wasn’t minutes or even hours that he forgot upsets him in a way he didn’t think he could recognize. Remus thinks that this might be the closest he would ever get to understanding how so many people fear him. and he does not like it at all.

The knife is so close. He lights a cigarette. No one else is awake yet. No one has realized he’s even at home. How long would it take to find him? Days? Weeks? How long is he usually gone? Would the smell be what finally pulled someone into to check on him? He puts the cigarette out on his leg. He knows the knife is in the bottom drawer of his desk under old notebooks and packs of pens dumped loosely inside. It’s less than five feet away. He wants it.

He sits up, swings his legs numbly off the side of the bed and stands up. It feels like the hardest thing he’s ever had to do. In a mere three steps forward he sits down on the ground behind his desk chair to wretch open the drawer and sees just how messy it is. His phone goes off and he pulls it by the wire to check, a reminder for practice at 6am. He shoots Coach an apology text for missing practice for the first time in his hockey career and throws his phone back towards the bed. His body feels so heavy as he shoves a hand roughly into the drawer to search for the knife, frustration when he can’t immediately find it leads to him slamming his head into the wooden desk leg before letting it fall onto the chair cushion as his hand wiggles around for a few moments, each second filling him with aimless anger. The drawer slams shut and he flops onto the floor. 

He can’t even find the energy to kill himself. Pathetic. He glares at the desk from his place on the cool floor until the fatigue brings him back to sleep. 

[mymindsabouttoexplode]

wow long

my aunt and I have this thing where we vent to eachother about the toxicity of this family and I honestly dont think what were doing is bad because were not insulting anyone or anything we just talk about negative reactions/situations with my siblings, fights in the family, and what my parents did and how it made us feel and the possible connections it could have to how my siblings and i react to things due to being in this environment (my aunt, though affected by it, did start living with my nuclear family when she was nearly an adult already so she wasnt raised in this environment). The toxicity constitutes how my family continuously talks bad about eachother and somehow manages to pretend that they hadnt and they claim they love their family and its hard to tell if they truly mean it or if their brain kind of just tells them they should feel that way? idk how to explain it but its very unintentional...they dont even realize they do it. Irrational behaviors on the plate too bc my mom doesnt handle negative situations well so when she actually does something to handle a bad situation its usually in an unhealthy way and if she isnt doing something she is enabling the bad behavior of others, with my dad being the main target of these actions (she rationalizes his behavior, tells us to ignore it, doesnt confront him because she fears his reactions [he is not abusive he just might not take it well] and much more). He loves and cherishes intensely, but he constantly thinks nobody loves him (despite how often I have expressed my love deeply and how my other siblings have too, which to be honest is infuriating because it feels like he doesnt acknowledge the love WE DO give him ex. he’ll complain like “why'd u do that for ur mom but not for me” on MOTHERS DAY even tho we did something similar for him on Fathers Day... are u really in that much need of constant validation...) and has a history of my grandparents disliking him at the beginning of my parents relationship (to the point they eloped), despite them living with us now and , to be honest, i dont think they care much for him (theres not even hatred, just no feelings for him). This has lead him to have a vicious cycle of constantly needing attention and feeling badly almost instantly when he isnt given it. Along with this hes rather obnoxious and has a terrible sense of humour and is bad at reading social cues. (ex: he says a terrible, rude, joke and none of us find it funny/or tell him that was inappropriate to say. sometimes reactions from my siblings are more intense than they need to be but its because of how we were raised...he often leaves this situation thinking “everybody hates me, i cant even joke around with my kids, i shouldnt say anything at all because it just makes people mad because they hate me” rather than actually take what were saying and reflecting on his behavior. He has very similar reactions when he talks negatively about our grandparents who are honestly doing nothing and we dont reply the way he wants). There is also a constant habit my parents do of keeping secrets, talking behind eachothers backs (in the most toxic way possible, its not for pure venting or wanting support), or constantly thinking that every little action has a deep meaning behind it (ex: my aunt doesnt talk much one morning- this is because she is sleepy from having a late work shift and is rather introverted. My parents think its because shes mad at them and come up with all these reasons as to why she could be and why shes being “terrible” rather than simply asking “hey whats up you dont seem very talkative this morning are you okay?” This later influences how they treat her) We’ve only started talking about it in the recent years and we only do when either I feel she has been wronged (they do treat her differently after talking about her and she is constantly out of the loop of it because they never confront her - another habit, fear of confrontation, that was passed down to my siblings and i- and she is often left confused and bothered) or they have hurt me emotionally.

Recently, I think my aunts been acting more openly, expressing more of her feelings about these behaviors to them or having negative reactions that she normally hid when talking to them when topics such as my dad, who she feels is mean and irrational (he talks bad about my grandparents/her parents and its true his reactions to things are often irrational unfortunately). My mom talked to me about it in the car and was like “hey it seems ur aunt has been reacting negatively when i bring up your dad...” and I know she knows we talk, but not specifically what it contains. I feel it is limited to venting in her mind or she possibly projects that we talk like how she talks about others, with the latter being extremely toxic. I of course dont tell her about what my aunt and i discuss because I’m not sure how she’ll take it. She tells me “your aunt doesnt seem to be one to talk about her emotions (this is true..my aunt prefers to handle her emotions independently and its not because shes trying to not rely on anybody, its just how she prefers to handle them) so if somethings bothering her you should tell me so I can change myself for the better...dont tell her you told me though and I wont react drastically so she knows we’ve talked....i know you guys vent to eachother because your close but...itd mean a lot if u told me when shes upset by something Ive said...also keep this conversation just between us ( I feel like she sometimes thinks I tell my aunt what we talked about...sometimes I do do this so i have no right to get mad. Obviously my mom is observing my reaction at this moment to see if I actually do that [which I just know from experience] and I try to keep my emotions very hidden and just say okay)”. And I honestly...dont know how to handle that. I dont know whether I should actually tell my mom when my aunt is bothered, especially since the whole “dont tell her” thing was tacked onto the end, which feels uncomfortably secretive. Or if I should tell my aunt about this conversation we just had because its bothering me and I usually rely on her for support when I dont know what to do, but IM hesitating because Im not sure of how she’d react to this information, it also never feels good to tell her specifically after Ive been told not to. Or if I should choose to just not tell my mom anything regarding my aunt and not tell my aunt about the conversation, which I feel could present consequences of its own/it might slip because I constantly think about it. Its stressing me out. To the point I feel like dying because my brain is never relaxed and I feel like I cant handle it sometimes. Life really shouldnt be this complicated and it makes so uncomfortable and anxious and I just want to leave.