#it’s just hitting me really hard right now 😣😞

[maerenee930]

random thoughts.

mostly just me rambling and kinda venting.

so many thoughts in my head and i wanna get them out but i don’t even know where to start 😣

it’s been such a long few weeks and i just feel so alone and lonely 😞

and you would think that talking to people majority of the day that i wouldn’t feel like this. but it’s not exactly like those are like genuine conversations.

and i talk with my coworkers but most of the time we get interrupted because we have a member to help. (not complaining about us having to do our jobs lol. i just meant like we don’t fully finish a lot of conversations cause we do have members to take care of.)

i know i can reach out to people.

i know i should just text people.

but sometimes i feel like it’s so hard to convey just how i’m feeling over text without worrying it sounds like i’m just super whiny or annoying.

and i know i can ask people if they wanna like facetime or hangout, i just know though that i’ve been so tired after work that most nights i don’t have a lot of energy and don’t feel like doing much after work 😓 i mostly just wanna lay down and watch tv or cuddle with someone (besides my cat lol)

and i know hanging out with someone who just wants to lay in bed and watch tv or facetiming someone who doesn’t necessarily feel up to talking that much (or needs to vent about work 😓) isn’t all that fun 🙁

i worry that my free time is being wasted. mostly because when i have a day off in the middle of the week, it’s hard to plan something with anyone cause they are probably working. (plus like most of my issues when it comes to me feeling lonely, i don’t want to bother anyone or make them feel like they have to hang out with me or talk with me 😣 gotta love anxiety, right? ugh 🤦‍♀️)

and even on my days off, i don’t have a lot of energy to do a lot. like i have plenty of stuff i need to take care of in just my room alone, but i can’t motivate myself to do it and i can’t seem to find the energy mentally, emotionally or physically to get it done (or even some of it done) 😓

so i’m just frustrated with myself. i am i intent ally but fully aware of the fact that i self sabotage myself in many many ways.

it’s like though i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do what i need and want to for myself.

i know i need outside help or another voice of encouragement to do things.

(which i realize i should be able to do that for myself and i shouldn’t rely on anyone else to be that extra push for me. i just know how my brain works though and i know that’s what works for me and really helps me.)

i think what also doesn’t help is that my free time doesn’t even really like it’s mine because it goes by so quickly and i feel like i don’t actually get to enjoy it. you know? idk if that makes any sense 😣

i know this is a thing other people go through. i know that i’m certainly not the first person to feel this way and i know that i’m definitely not and won’t be the last. and i know that at some point almost every adult feels this way in life and with/because of their job.

it’s just a tough things to adjust to. still. (i felt this way to a degree at my previous job. in all fairness, it is a lot better than it was while i was at my last job. but idk with just how tough it’s been lately, it feels pretty similar to how it did then. if that makes sense…? it’s not the same situation and the work environment is much better! but idk… maybe this is just apart of being an adult… 😞)

i just don’t want to lose what little of a personal and social life that i have.

it may not be a super active social life. but it’s mine and i love it.

and i miss it 😔😭

does this feeling ever go away? or at least get easier to deal with? does it ever feel like our time (or free or personal time) is truly ours? like even though it may be short or goes by quickly, does it ever get better or back to feeling like our own time/our time away from work is truly ours again? where you can really let everything go and just be present in those moments and enjoy it and not have it feel like it flies by.?

or is this what life is…? like from now on and period. is this what i have to look forward to. this constant heartache or wanting to just live my life but having to wait to do so until i have the time and hopefully energy mentally, emotionally and physically to? or force myself to enjoy it even when my body and mind/heart don’t feel up to it so o don’t feel like i’m wasting it…?

is this seriously it…? it can’t be. please tell me it isn’t and that it’s not true. i mean i feel like it is, but let me for one minute feel and believe it isn’t so i don’t lose all hope and let my depression consume me even more than i feel it already has 😣😭

random side note - i’ve always felt a connection to belle from beauty and the beast, i’ve just always loved her and felt like to a degree i always understood how she felt about her town and wanting more out of her life. but now as an adult (and especially right now, “i want adventure in the great wide somewhere. i want it more than i can tell. and for once it might be grand, to have someone understand. i want so much more than they’ve got planned” has never hit closer to home or hit me more more in the feels than it does right now 😭🖤

also, i’m fully aware that pto and vacation time are things and i’m sure that helps lol. but atm i’m still a bit confused on how all of that works at my job now. especially because they pass around a calendar in january and that’s when everyone is supposed to put in their requests for their vacation and pto. but since i started in march, finally hit my 90 days back in early june and now have pto and am starting to accrue vacation (and have sick) time, how does that work for me…? especially because it’s just about august and i’m not sure how long all of that time lasts for, if i can use any of it soonish (not necessarily right away or anything. just trying to think if i can and possibly when i can cause it’s nice to think about and let myself think about having some time away from work 😅) and how do i go about putting requests in for that time? or if it doesn’t carry over, are we able to like cash in un-used days…? (my sister-in-law looked at my employee handbook and read all of this info to me about a week ago, but she read it while we were driving home from somewhere, and i was driving so i wasn’t like completely paying attention/processing what she said. and i did go over this with our hr person when we met after my 90 day performance review, but that was also back in the beginning of june, it was a lot of info for one kinda quick meeting and it’s just a lot to take in. i realize i can and should ask someone, but i’m nervous to. for many reasons. i know i have to figure this out at some point anyway so i really should just ask someone to either explain it all to me again and go over it again with me or ask them to help me better understand, but idk… i just feel stupid asking about it and o feel selfish. you know? 😣😓)

[mari-the-bimbo]

Hi bestie I hope you are doing well and taking care of yourselve I saw your requests open and I was wondering for Dormate Gojo or Sukuna I think they would want us to dress up in a sexy Santa outfit or elf outfit for Christmas for the sake of their entertainment or just to tease us endlessly sorry is this sounds bad I am not good with words😣😖😞 love all your writing💖💕💗!!!!

Dorm mate Sukuna: making you wear a sexy Santa outfit

(ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ*:･ﾟ✧

A/N: I absolutely love this request! Btw I chose to do Sukuna because I need to write more about this series! 😂

When Sukuna told you and Yuji that he’d pick out Christmas outfits for you guys, you were both stunned into silence

Was Sukuna really showing some Christmas spirit? You found it hard to believe but you gave in after watching Yuji’s enthusiasm.

However you realised your inkling that it was too good to be true was in fact right when you were forced to wear a skimpy sexy Santa mini dress.

“‘Kuna.. what the hell is this?” You asked expectantly to the taller, tatted male who turned to look at you with an evil smirk, throwing his beer can on the kitchen floor carelessly.

“An outfit” he replied smartly, grinning from ear to ear as he took in your red dress that hugged your figure deliciously, his eyes shamelessly looking you up and down, licking his lips in temptation.

He was entertained to say the least.

“Go on, give me a twirl” he said ever so sweetly, leaning against the counter, but the eager, teasing smile on his face made you reluctant.

“No way” you huffed, crossing your arms in frustration.

He simply laughed and shook his head at your defiance. You’re lucky he finds you so cute.

You glared at your dorm mate who sauntered his way closer to you like a predator, the cocky smile still present. He circled around you, walking in circles,

“Hmmm” he hummed from behind, as if to analyse you, but you knew this was his way of teasing you, infuriating you rather.

“What?” You asked impatiently.

Suddenly you felt two large hands place itself on either sides of your waist from behind, slowly travelling down to your hips.

“C’mon brat, I said I want you to twirl” he urges again, and before you could process it, Sukuna physically made you twirl by spinning you around by the hips.

Sukuna was always rough to the touch, so you weren’t surprised when the spin left you dizzy for a second, making you blink a few times, before raising an eyebrow at your scary dorm mate.

“There, you got your 360 view, you happy now?” You said, hands on your hips.

“Very” he replied with a lazy, cocky smile. He sighed as he sat down on one of the dorm kitchen’s chairs, opening another can.

He then grabbed your arm, pulling you closer to him. And he manspread across the chair, making you stand in between his legs.

He ran his long fingers across the sides of your figure. His red eyes taking in your figure fondly, and for a second, it felt… nice.

But just as you rested against the strong male, thinking you were sharing a soft moment, he slapped your butt.

“AHHH SUKUNA!” You yelped, jumping out of his arms in shock.

But the dorm mate offered you nothing more than an evil laugh and a sly grin, “what? You look so pretty in that slutty little dress” he cackled shamelessly as you glared at him.

“Oh come on, no need to frown brat” he laughed, stretching his arms out to pull you back into his embrace again “I’ll make it up to you under the mistletoe yeah?” he said, tilting his head to the side teasingly with a toothy smile, making you blush.

You tried to hit him with some tinsel to hide your embarrassment but the strong male only laughed as he easily caught your arm and tackled you playfully, making you giggle.

“Hey! Why does y/n get to wear a cool outfit?” You suddenly heard from behind, making you both pause.

And there stood Yuji with a pout, in his Santa fat suit.

[woahtics]

✨ an updated list/ rank of all my tics ✨

motor tics:

neck jerking: 3/10 its so repetitive and it hurt me when happens too many times

back+neck jerk: 2/10 ITS SO VIOLENT FOR NO REASON i feel like one of these days ill end up with a broken neck i hate it so much is so violent 😣

"look at the sky RIGHT NOW": 4/10 it's so dumb my neck just goes up and sometimes my column goes with it and i feel like i will fall on my back 🥴

blinking: 6/10 doesn't really bother me but when im outside it can be really awkward if someone's on my sight

eye rolling: 2/10 I HATE IT it hurts and i cant see shit and people can have the wrong impression if i do looking at them

eyes shut: 1/10 HATE IT SO MUCHHHH when im walking with my dog and my brain just goes hmm what about walking ON THE VOID NO SIGHT NOTHING BYT BLACK i hate to wait so i can /see/ again

bite/ jaw thing: 6/10 it doesn't bother me even if it might be bad for my teeth but its loud and annoying for others

bonk [body part - usually head] with my fist: 0/10 bro wtf why am i hitting my head so hard

slapping/ punching my face: 0/10 it deserves its own category cuz it HURTS SO MUCH i hate it so much my cheek and jaw hurt why are my tics so VIOLENT

shaking hands: 8/10 happy happy chemical 🙌 but it looks dumb when im outside (it looks like im stimming and i do stim but they. are different things.)

bonk on my chest + middle finger: 2/10 its my only copropraxia tic and it sucks :( sometimes i hit my chest too hard or hurt my hand if im wearing neckless 🖕

shaking my head: 5/10 i can use the excuse im fixing my hair but if it's way to many shaking i feel dizzy

the "arms go up" tic: 3/10 what the actual fuck why my arms are up i look like a inflatable station doll thing (+ when it happens with the back/ neck jerk its a 0/10 i feel like im gonna crack my back and fucking die)

closing both eyes hard + making a face: 1/10 I HATE IT wtf is wrong with my brain whats with the "i cant see" + "look like a toodler" combo

back jerking: 2/10 strong premonitory urge builds up like AGONY FROM HELL 💀

hitting things/ threaten to throw stuff: 3/10 hand go UP and im so scared to actually throwing stuff or hitting things (it happens rarely)

🤙 hand: 5/10 socially awkward but i look like a cool surfist

snapping fingers: 6/10 usually before other tics but it makes ✨music✨

snapping fingers making a "z" in the air/ snapping them 3-4 times: 4/10 i took it from pose. please im not a gay man from the 70s can i just be free (im literally a lesbian tho so dont get this comment as homophobic i just. why.)

breathing tic: 4/10 i cant breathe properly during it and it looks like im having an asthma attack 💔

shrug/ shoulder jerking: 5/10 not bad but i dont really like it its premonitory urge burns my column for some reason ?

knee going off: 1/10 i hate it WHY DO MY KNEES JUST STOP WORKING where do my bones go 🥸

literally hitting my little sister/ friends: 0/10 wtf why do i do that i feel so guilty of hitting them and going "sorry" after is almost involuntary at this point

typing tics: 5/10 if its a repeating tic i can just delete after it but if. its the. add dots. tic. it kinda pauses my thoughts too and. im to lazy to delete the dots

clapping hands: 4/10 it does bother me when im im class but other than that. usually happens when im listening to music or excited so i can disguise it well

kissing (?) the air: 3/10 hate it it looks like im making a face or something and its ridiculous.

vocal tics:

material gurl: 4/10 its a new tic, not that bad, but i often get stuck on a mat- mat- mat- loop until i can say material gurl (+ happens with the 💅 hand)

whistle: 2/10 HATE IT its annoying outside and it can be LOUD.

AHHHHHH: 3/10 i scream like im one of the chipmunks from alvin and the chipmunks and sometimes,, its a long long scream 😞 (and sometimes it comes out almost as a moan pls is so embarrassing)

ªªªª: 6/10 i scream. while. whispering.

ah: 5/10 i just literally say "ah" or open my mouth and emit No Sound its weird but not that bad

wow!: 4/10 happens a lot when someone shows me something its funny but so annoying

pop sound: 3/10 dont really like its loud and repetitive (palialia is that you)

click tongue(?): 5/10 don't really know how to describe it it has 2 ways to happen but yeah mid tic (BUT WHEN IT HAPPENS WITH THE BLINKING TIC IS HORRIBLE PLS)

ecolalia: from 2/10 to 8/10 depends on what/who im echoing and if the situation dont become awkward after

palialia: 4/10 repeating its cool ig but i dont like the stutter sometimes i cant say the most simple words and have to say a synonym for it 😞

"b": 6/10 when my sister says "ah" i tic back "b". like im a 6yo reciting the alphabet.

"gay": from -100/10 to 9/10 - if im with family BAD BAD NO NO RED FLAG if im with my friends or alone its so funny sometimes i look at them or a meme they send to me and just say "gay🏳️‍🌈" in a dead tone

"oh no": 7/10 i say it whenever something mildly bad happens it can be funny but if I say out of context its a 2/10

that one "what did i just say" tic: 2/10 i dont like shouting out whole ass phrases I didn't think of and didn't knew i was going to say until its already said

"haha": 6/10 not bad just a deadass no tone laugh

"hmm": 4/10 i dont like it but its not that noticeable so im ok with it

doing the sound my mom's car does when it's backing up: 5/10 its like a clock sound and its silly haha im a car kind of funny

"hum": 2/10 it sounds like a moan so awkward and dumb hate it

[kpophubb]

hi honey 🕊💌

first thank you for your warmest words and kindness , you aren’t late I send it today in between my sessions 📖🥺🥹😭❤️

I’m so happy for you <3 congratulations 🎉, hope you can follow your dream and become someone you want to be ~ plus I wish you a lot of positive experiences 🥰💪🏻🎉 👩🏻‍⚕️

Ukraine 😔 I miss everyone so much , I miss my home 🏡 my dog ( I’m not even sure if I’ll be able to go there back one day and if it’s not ruined by weapons and bombs .😣😞

I really appreciate your support , like so much that tbh it feels unreal ❤️

Today I’m having a very hard day I haven’t been crying for about 2 weeks I think , as long as I can remember, but today I did like 4 times (( thank you for kind words , I actually took a screenshot to read them again 🥺💝

Today I was sitting and thinking that I’m so tired .. I’m so exhausted always looking for acceptance , always expecting ppl to be nice to me, like same I am to them..

I’m enfj and I think it’s the most insecure type of all of them I read the profile and it says I’m always looking for acceptance , validation and praise from others … and that’s true , I don’t know what kind of creature -freak am I ? .. z, feeding and living literally for others approval 😔

Did you name your niece ?:) I guess you might have some family business going on but ! Don’t worry posting ff late , pls STAY day is on august 3 heh omg 🤧🥰😍🥰

Also don’t forget about your own happiness and well being , I hope you are surrounded with support and love ☺️😇😍

Have you got any other dreams recently ?

What books 📚 have you bought?

Could you pls put a link somewhere for that fic with hy + sunghoon? So it’s easier for me to find 🥲💓

Todays song recommendation , also feel free to share smth with me🤗💖

Good night & have a nice day / morning , everything that you are having atm. Sending hugs. And I love YOU TOO🥺🥹💗

~ 🐁 anonie:)

Hi anonie 😭🥺💕🤧 first of all the jakey heart pics omg🫠🤧 (hit me right in the gut and heart) and our baby riki pic 💝🥹 aaah the greatest start to a message! Ahh it must be quite devasting right?:( like you’ve suddenly been thrown into a nightmare and everything feels so so foreign and frustrating. There’s no guarantee if you’ll ever be able to go to your country/home back and I picture you feeling so lonely. *pats on the shoulder* please stay strong. And keep working towards finding a new home, focusing on jobs for now. Life sometimes gets so unpredictable and it feels like everything’s over and you’ve lost, but a bad turn doesn’t mean you’ve hit a dead end. New doors always open and it’s very tough at the start but later on, you will reach a beautiful destination I promise. 💓 and I am literally an enfj too? My personality is a mix of ENFJ and ENFP. So I understand what you’re talking about. We’re very loyal and people’s person and that’s why it easily affects us when we’re not kindly treated by those around us. And getting other’s people approval/acknowledgment makes us feel so valid. But truth is, I adjusted myself to the reality of this world long time back. Not everyone is gonna be nice to you or be grateful to you no matter how nice you are to them or how much you help them. It’s some people’s nature. That doesn’t mean you have to stop being a nice and kind person to everyone around you. Just try to give without expecting anything in return ok? That’s how I’ve trained my mindset and I’m able to be happy now no matter what. As for the validation thing, I am not a confident person either and I have high self doubts and anxiety. I feel like I’m not good enough in a lot of cases and I often seek approval from others around me BUT I have changed that (and am still trying to) I have decided to be my own cheerleader. I tell myself that I’m worth it, I’m doing my best, I am enough etc. I find my spirits and acknowledgement from ME MYSELF. Bc think of it this way. No one knows your efforts more than you or god, so why do u let others who haven’t seen how hard you tried tell u that you’re bad/good at something? Don’t give anyone that right. To hold authority over how you feel about yourself my love. 💞 and don’t criticise yourself for being this way. There’s nothing wrong in yearning for others’ affection or approval or attention. Human beings were always created to be with eachother, no human being can exist alone. It’s how we were made by default.

And yes I did name my niece haha her name was decided even before she was born😆! Ill show u all the books directly when they arrive- reading books give me all this maturity since they’re always about young adult/slice of life/romance. Here is the link to my most favourite songs by bebe rexha that helped me so much in my rough times.( I’m a mess , sabotage , empty ) And ofc the link to my two fan fictions that involve hyunjin x sunghoon crossovers! (When you fangirl too much over another idol) & (when they find out their crush is dating another idol )

As of now I don’t have any other dreams 😛 apart from making tons of precious memories that I’ll be able to take with me for the next chapter of my life. Binge read books, Netflix dramas and animes, watch kpop comebacks and ofc go out with my best friend! 👯💞 I am friendly with almost everyone but I have only one best friend! Piece of advice to you: be friendly and nice with everyone but let only a few people get close to your heart. Since we get hurt easily and expect easily, don’t let your heart break by letting too many people in. 💘 have an even better day, much love & warm hugs! 🤗❤️

[alphasmoonlit-selfships]

you're so sweet, love! thank you for your kindest words. tell me, what about atsushi makes you happy? i wanna hear all about it, hehe!

Oh, unexpected words of interest? Σ(･ω･ﾉ)ﾉ! But also like yesss you deserve all the kind words UwU you are just as sweet 🥺 @nameless-shrimp 💖 I hope they made your night/day/afternoon! 🥰

But oh? What about Atsushi makes me happy  (灬ºωº灬)♡

Honestly, to sum really, just everything about him, from his sweet, intelligent, smart, beautiful, genuine, and kind personality that shows greatly to others, especially when they are in a similar state to his own past; such as Kyouka, Lucy and even to Sigma, I believe! While also having this sassy, blunt and almost bite to his speech with people that just get on his nerves or like are just out of the norm of how people act; he’s like so confused and in a constant state of “??? Why are these much older people behaving like this??” His many surprised or deadpanned faces are just the best to see 😂🥺 He is just so much more than many make him out to be! And believe me it’s a pain sometimes being in the fandom 👀 and yet I stay for the ongoing series and for him 💖🐯

He’s a hard worker! He is doing his damn hardest and is so strong and confident and brave! 😤💖

Mi Tigre has been through hell and back so many times, in such a short period. He’s endured so much mental, emotional and physical pain (like fecking hell all the times with Aku and his stupid anger 😞😣) and still manages to be so much better than what his Headmaster wanted him to be. It amazes me how much his process towards healing isn’t a straight line or easy way through. He is still very much reflecting on his past, on the current moments the define people he loves and cares for, and has his ticks that remind hard times.

Honestly, I never realized how much I felt a kinship with that. I have my own experiences and such and have realized, with time, how it actually affected me. Am still in a state of healing, I have my moments and try to be better to break free from the past and current hurts. ✨

The way Atsushi came to terms with his ability as accepting this part of himself that he hates, truly hit me the second time over. Cause I have been in that position, many of time. Surprisingly, it’s actually a similar confrontation my S/i, or main Oc (a reflection of me), faces in my Digimon College Au. A beautiful scene and rather heart wrenching to witness, but it’s the after moment when Atsushi accepts his ability and the tiger sees that truly, that resonates. A hard but beautiful moment to see. And I love both iterations of the Anime and Manga!

Bloody hell, I rewatched Dead Apple in the English dub and,,,I wasn’t the same after hearing Atsushi’s voice and just overall composure break at recalling the abuse Shibusawa put him through like… my heart broke, I took a moment to like cry and just reflect a moment cause 😭 heck that never happened before (props a lie 👀). Biggest scenes for Atsushi and truly accepting his tiger through and through in that movie too.

Sorry about the small heavy talk, my rambles go in tangent than like in a direct point ;;w;; but even so! Atsushi truly makes me happy! His personality, his overall appearance, he’s so cute and handsome and awkward sometimes like 😳👀 boi who gives you the right? Also his color palette ✨💖✨💖 best! I love how soft warm tones fit him, similar to his eye colors. Another beautiful part of him! Any new art of him, official or not, is honestly an instant boost of serotonin and happy!

I think he’s a silly boi who should have another 30 bowls of chazuke as soon as this current arc is over ;;;:w;;;; please? When was the last time he ate some? He probably would love to have some right now 🥺💖 just picture this! That ending scene from… the Avengers? Where they are eating at a restaurant that’s semi wrecked from the battle? All the ADA members together, safe and sound 💖🥺 Lucy and Poe too as they deserve!

Ah, I don’t know what else to say (〃∇〃) I’m not the best at saying how I feel about this, most of the time I have like a well thought out essay in my head and as soon as I write am like “…Atsushi is…amazing,, and I love him 💞🥺 I seek his hand in marriage ✨”

I’m sure I’ll think of more things and be like “heck I could have included that but it’s too late 😔” honestly, I tried and I hope you take it with understanding. Cause I’m sure some words and sentences are like jumbled here and there 😅😭

Anywho 🥺🥺🥺🥺💖💖💖💖 these emojis aim up my feelings to your kind curious question ✨💞 I love talking about Atsushi, he is truly my favorite character that has become a big impact in my life UwU it’s just sometimes my thoughts and writing are like not aligning when I… Well write 😂 again thank you so much for this ask! 🥺💖 and again I mean what I said! 👀💞💖 I hope to see more of your beautiful writing and heart into these reader x character questions 💖 especially of Atsushi 🥰💖 keep on bringing scenes and characters to life with your writing!

Have a restful night/or day! ✨😊

[maerenee930]

this doesn’t feel real… 😣 it’s been about 5 days and it still keeps hitting me over and over again that my papa is gone. 😞 i can’t believe he’s really gone 😓

my head is all over the place and just- it still feels so wrong. 😔

i wasn’t really close with him. not many of us were to be honest. it was hard to bond with him for many reasons. but over the past year, i had spent more time with him and my nonnie (my grandma. that’s what we call her on my mom’s side cause we’re italian) and got a bit closer to both of them.

(i realize this is a very long post and i’m so sorry it is. i don’t mean for it to be. there’s just a lot of thoughts and feelings i’ve had about this and would like to get them out on here as well. also, i’m very sorry for any spelling and grammar errors. and i’m sorry if all of this is like all over the place or of it doesn’t make much sense.)

my mom would tell me that over the past year and a half, he always asked about me when she would visit him and my nonnie. which ngl, really surprised me 😅 i mean for the longest time, he didn’t really care for most of his grandkids once we started talking and forming our own opinions. i wish i was joking about that.

i mean don’t get me wrong, he did love us, but he only really liked us when we were small. 😅 it was like once we got older, he just didn’t care for us as much. unless you kinda put him in his place, he didn’t really care if you were there or not. or he would make comments about some of us gaining weight, telling us we’re getting fat and we need to start exercising more and lots of other unkind and not okay things to say to his grandchildren or his daughters or son. yeaaaah… he was pretty good at making his family feel bad about themselves… 😣

he like anyone, was a very flawed human being. but he was also just that, a human being. he had a lot of mental health issues that he wasn’t willing to admit, acknowledge/address or face. and those issues caused a lot of pain and heartache for him and the people he cared about. but for being raised in a time when that wasn’t even anything that was somewhat taken seriously, it doesn’t come as a total surprise that he wouldn’t take care of those issues for himself.

and when i stop and really think about it, even though this man loved to throw himself a good pity party and loved to wallow in his own pain and grief and as we joked was “always dying” (he was a very dramatic man lol) and while he also very much had the mentality that he was better than everyone, he really could be a good guy and had some legitimate reasons to wallow in self pity at times.

he was just a child during world war two. thankfully his family did survived it. but he also had a very abusive father.

he came to america from their home in italy twice and made a life for himself and my nonnie. leaving his family and the one place that was truly his home.

he suffered multiple work injuries over the years and one of them resulted in him actually losing all of his fingers on his left hand expect for his thumb 😣

he had multiple strokes over the past decade. one of which was one of the worst kinds someone could have and thankfully came out from it so much better than he could have.

and there were many other things that happened throughout his life and i only know very few of those things.

but the fact that he survived through all of the things he did, it just- it shows that he had so much strength and i do admire him for that.

and now as an adult, i can understand a bit better why he did wallow in self pity as much as he did. (i’m not saying it’s right that he did or that he let it consume him and stop him from having good and long last relationships with his children and grandchildren, because it wasn’t. i just can understand a little better as to why he would do it. and how those things helped shape him into the person he became, you know?)

my papa would tend to tell us grandchildren the same few stories when we were growing up. most of the time the moral of those stories was that we are lucky and spoiled children and that he had it so much worse than we did/do or ever could have. so you know, that was always fun to hear and felt great 🙃🤦‍♀️

and man oh man, did he love to talk about himself 😄 i mean this man really, really loved himself a lot lol. he loved to talk about how wonderful he was not only in general but so many things lol.

one of his favorite stories was one where he had a very rude boss who was a jerk and just an ass. and to quote my papa this guys was “the big boss”. well, one day my papa stood up to him and would giggle every time he said this or got to this part of the story and he said in his italian accent “and imma tella hims to go fucka himself” 😂 and after that, his boss respected him. he would tell us that he thought his boss was gonna fire him but he didn’t cause he knew he (my papa) was right. (that’s legit how he would tell it 😂)

it was so funny to see him giggle and just the fact that that was something that was so just like big to him and just so unbelievable that he would do something like that 😄

but to a lot of us, it sounded about right. and it made sense that he would say that to one of his bosses. it was just very papa.

one story that my nonnie always loved telling me about something i did cause of my papa when i was small was i used to sit on the top of the couch in the living room. idk why i did, but i did.

so anyway, one day i did it and papa told me i needed to get down or i could hurt myself. no i’m sorry, it wasn’t just because i would hurt myself, it was because i could’ve possibly broken his picture window and gotten hurt from it.

so me being my normal stubborn and sassy self, i argued with him and told him i would be fine and i wouldn’t fall back. i told him i’m not gonna get hurt and or break the window.

he told me i would and i needed to get down. so finally at some point i did. and i went to my nonnie all upset and mad. she asked me what was wrong and i very dramatically told her that papa was ruining my life 😂🤦‍♀️😂

it’s one memory i will never forget and am very thankful to have a silly and stupid moment like that with him.

i didn’t really have a lot of good moments with him. at some point i learned to keep my distance from him.

i would say hello to him and goodbye and didn’t really talk to him or with him unless he asked me something, told me to do something or if someone asked me to tell him something.

i just- knowing what most of my family had been through with him and the pain and heartache he caused them, and not really having the kind of grandpa us grandkids deserved or needed, it was hard to want to be around him.

it really sucks to have mixed feelings about someone you love.

someone who you were supposed to adore and look up to. but who just wasn’t the kind of grandparent we needed. i realize he was also just a human and wasn’t perfect and had a very hard life and made mistakes just like anyone else. but letting things throughout his life get to him the way they did caused him to do and say some very hurtful things to the other people that i love so much and who have been there for me and loved me and supported me in ways he really didn’t. 😞

how can i have mixed feelings about the person who helped bring my mom into the world? 😣

how can i have mixed feelings about the person who helped give me the family i have and wouldn’t trade for the world…? 😓

how or why could i not move past my issues and just push and push and try to make us have a better relationship?

why couldn’t i just push through my anxiety and heartache and just go see him and spend time with him when i had the chance to? to show him that i do love him and he does mean a lot to me. to be there for him when he needed all of us and i wasn’t. 😣

how could i not go see my papa one last time and tell him i love him. he deserved to know and hear that.

i should’ve told him that 😞

i’m so sorry i didn’t, papa. i do love you so much and i am so glad you aren’t in pain anymore. i’m so glad you finally get to be home with your mom and dad and the rest of your family.

i’m so glad that you get to just relax and rest. you fought and worked hard for so long and for so much of your life.

i’m very thankful i got to have you as my papa. i didn’t expect losing you would hurt quite as much as it does. but i have to say that i am thankful it does it hurt so much. it’s a nice reminder that i do and will always love you because you were my papa.

thank you for being my papa. thank you for ruining my life 😉

i miss you more than you know 💖

[maerenee930]

damn, my depression is hitting me really hard tonight 😣 actually i’ve been feeling like this all day. i feel so hopeless, so alone/lonely and so tired. i feel like crying but i can’t and- 😣😞 this feeling sucks so fucking much and it really hurts. like the emotional pain brings me down so much physically and it just drains me. i don’t know how to help myself or what i can do to make myself feel better. i feel so weak 😭 like i feel like such a baby right now and i’m getting so annoyed with myself for feeling this was or for how i’m letting it get to me. it just hurts so much.