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maerenee930 · 1 year

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random thoughts.

mostly just me rambling and kinda venting.

so many thoughts in my head and i wanna get them out but i don’t even know where to start 😣

it’s been such a long few weeks and i just feel so alone and lonely 😞

and you would think that talking to people majority of the day that i wouldn’t feel like this. but it’s not exactly like those are like genuine conversations.

and i talk with my coworkers but most of the time we get interrupted because we have a member to help. (not complaining about us having to do our jobs lol. i just meant like we don’t fully finish a lot of conversations cause we do have members to take care of.)

i know i can reach out to people.

i know i should just text people.

but sometimes i feel like it’s so hard to convey just how i’m feeling over text without worrying it sounds like i’m just super whiny or annoying.

and i know i can ask people if they wanna like facetime or hangout, i just know though that i’ve been so tired after work that most nights i don’t have a lot of energy and don’t feel like doing much after work 😓 i mostly just wanna lay down and watch tv or cuddle with someone (besides my cat lol)

and i know hanging out with someone who just wants to lay in bed and watch tv or facetiming someone who doesn’t necessarily feel up to talking that much (or needs to vent about work 😓) isn’t all that fun 🙁

i worry that my free time is being wasted. mostly because when i have a day off in the middle of the week, it’s hard to plan something with anyone cause they are probably working. (plus like most of my issues when it comes to me feeling lonely, i don’t want to bother anyone or make them feel like they have to hang out with me or talk with me 😣 gotta love anxiety, right? ugh 🤦‍♀️)

and even on my days off, i don’t have a lot of energy to do a lot. like i have plenty of stuff i need to take care of in just my room alone, but i can’t motivate myself to do it and i can’t seem to find the energy mentally, emotionally or physically to get it done (or even some of it done) 😓

so i’m just frustrated with myself. i am i intent ally but fully aware of the fact that i self sabotage myself in many many ways.

it’s like though i can’t seem to get out of my own way to do what i need and want to for myself.

i know i need outside help or another voice of encouragement to do things.

(which i realize i should be able to do that for myself and i shouldn’t rely on anyone else to be that extra push for me. i just know how my brain works though and i know that’s what works for me and really helps me.)

i think what also doesn’t help is that my free time doesn’t even really like it’s mine because it goes by so quickly and i feel like i don’t actually get to enjoy it. you know? idk if that makes any sense 😣

i know this is a thing other people go through. i know that i’m certainly not the first person to feel this way and i know that i’m definitely not and won’t be the last. and i know that at some point almost every adult feels this way in life and with/because of their job.

it’s just a tough things to adjust to. still. (i felt this way to a degree at my previous job. in all fairness, it is a lot better than it was while i was at my last job. but idk with just how tough it’s been lately, it feels pretty similar to how it did then. if that makes sense…? it’s not the same situation and the work environment is much better! but idk… maybe this is just apart of being an adult… 😞)

i just don’t want to lose what little of a personal and social life that i have.

it may not be a super active social life. but it’s mine and i love it.

and i miss it 😔😭

does this feeling ever go away? or at least get easier to deal with? does it ever feel like our time (or free or personal time) is truly ours? like even though it may be short or goes by quickly, does it ever get better or back to feeling like our own time/our time away from work is truly ours again? where you can really let everything go and just be present in those moments and enjoy it and not have it feel like it flies by.?

or is this what life is…? like from now on and period. is this what i have to look forward to. this constant heartache or wanting to just live my life but having to wait to do so until i have the time and hopefully energy mentally, emotionally and physically to? or force myself to enjoy it even when my body and mind/heart don’t feel up to it so o don’t feel like i’m wasting it…?

is this seriously it…? it can’t be. please tell me it isn’t and that it’s not true. i mean i feel like it is, but let me for one minute feel and believe it isn’t so i don’t lose all hope and let my depression consume me even more than i feel it already has 😣😭

random side note - i’ve always felt a connection to belle from beauty and the beast, i’ve just always loved her and felt like to a degree i always understood how she felt about her town and wanting more out of her life. but now as an adult (and especially right now, “i want adventure in the great wide somewhere. i want it more than i can tell. and for once it might be grand, to have someone understand. i want so much more than they’ve got planned” has never hit closer to home or hit me more more in the feels than it does right now 😭🖤

also, i’m fully aware that pto and vacation time are things and i’m sure that helps lol. but atm i’m still a bit confused on how all of that works at my job now. especially because they pass around a calendar in january and that’s when everyone is supposed to put in their requests for their vacation and pto. but since i started in march, finally hit my 90 days back in early june and now have pto and am starting to accrue vacation (and have sick) time, how does that work for me…? especially because it’s just about august and i’m not sure how long all of that time lasts for, if i can use any of it soonish (not necessarily right away or anything. just trying to think if i can and possibly when i can cause it’s nice to think about and let myself think about having some time away from work 😅) and how do i go about putting requests in for that time? or if it doesn’t carry over, are we able to like cash in un-used days…? (my sister-in-law looked at my employee handbook and read all of this info to me about a week ago, but she read it while we were driving home from somewhere, and i was driving so i wasn’t like completely paying attention/processing what she said. and i did go over this with our hr person when we met after my 90 day performance review, but that was also back in the beginning of june, it was a lot of info for one kinda quick meeting and it’s just a lot to take in. i realize i can and should ask someone, but i’m nervous to. for many reasons. i know i have to figure this out at some point anyway so i really should just ask someone to either explain it all to me again and go over it again with me or ask them to help me better understand, but idk… i just feel stupid asking about it and o feel selfish. you know? 😣😓)

#random thoughts #ramblings #rambling #kinda venting #feeling… idek #i’m just here and kind of an emotional mess #so basically how i always am lol #but for real #it’s just hitting me really hard right now 😣😞

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keeps-ache · 2 months

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look me in the eye; i'm dizzy

[static image below]

#art #my art #artists on tumblr #digital art #animation #oc #pink space #AYYYYYYYY I FINISHED THIS WOOHOO ! ! !#i have had this sitting in clip for like a week while i did artfight + then i had the idea to have them spinning so i've spent my morning #doing that hfbhsv :DD #my first real attempt on synfig!! it turned out insanely good for that i think hbsvh ; even if it is just a little turning n stuff lol :>>#i mostly had trouble exporting because i was 1) confused 2) very impatient when it comes to my files so hfbsvh #i figured it out though yeyaye :DD #also had to slow this thing down + compress it on a seperate site bc well. that's just how i know to do it hbfshv #initially i thought i could use clipchamp but they don't let you do any fine-tuning (it was such a basic tuning but lol (fine tuna..ing...)#and also they don't let you export with a transparent background ? my soul. my heart. hbfvshh #oh also with the compressing; this thing barely makes the cut for file size so i am sitting here waiting for it to load lnmfshv #i've gotta work on my bytes cuz i always have at least 1-2 things every year that need to be like screenshot or smth #//OKAY IT WORKS THANK GOD LJFSHV #hit post yeehaw :D

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13eyond13 · 2 months

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actually stunned by how gay The Beatles has been all this time and I just never knew

#like its always just been there in my life but i just never paid attention #my university roomie was obsessed w them and had several beatles posters that i looked at every day #so stuff like the pictures of them from the let it be album are like engrained into my brain #and yet i never knew the lore??#nor did i know until recently that they were actually all high school buds nor did i know they wrote their own music #nor that they genuinely basically invented modern bands n using the studio the way they did etc. so all that was very impressive and cool #but THEN on top of that omg the angsty gayness of john and paul #like all i knew previously basically was that john was a thing w yoko ono and paul had a young wife recently #i had at one point heard of people shipping j&p together and was just kinda like wow i guess people will ship anything #I DIDNT KNOW #that they were actually like that cute and that insane together and that their song writing together was like an actual marriage #anywayz the old pictures and videos of them are just like jesus look how they look at each other i dont think it was just being bros #i am sort of in the camp of they prob didn't act on it for real but there was def some insane tension/chemistry going on #and then ofc once youre aware of this their songs take on so many possible meanings outside of just singing about their gfs and wives....#anyways i just have to vent about this somewhere bc im actually shocked at how this has just passed me by all these years #and it definitely was not on my bingo card for 2024 to fixate on the beatles but here we are lol #more proof to me that my ultimate fave trope or wtv is 'besties to enemies when really they actually probably wanted to be lovers'#gets me every time!!!!#whats been fun about this rabbit hole is how just every single one of my expectations has been reversed as well #i went in assuming i would like them best in this order:#(1) george (2) ringo (3) paul and (4) john #i was sure i would hate john i thought he sounded so pretentious and like such a douche #but no actually he is my fave one and it's literally in reverse order for me i find george my least fave #(i like his music and feel bad for how he got ignored in the band but i like him the least)#and then i literally am john paul ringo george in order of faves now #i just love when i get surprised like that idk it keeps me on my toes and keeps things exciting and fresh #and yes john is indeed pretentious and a douche but i didn't know he was also funny and vulnerable and that i like his voice and songs #the most in the bunch almost every time as well #the beatles #p

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sysig · 1 year

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What if Peepers got left behind with the main duo tho (Patreon)

#Doodles #Wander Over Yonder #Wander #Commander Peepers #Sylvia #Dynamics ✨#Technically I have more to this idea but it ended up a bit meandering so y'know how it is lol #One of these days I'll learn how to draw the actual main characters but it's not today lol #That said I am very pleased with how Sylvia turned out in the first panel lol her Snoopy poses always get me bad <3 #She may not Like the cutes but she Is the cutes so there ♪#This is basically just a character swap The Little Guy but also that episode already happened? Idk I'll figure it out as I go lol #The important parts to me were Peepers in a position with no authority and already-established dynamics with these two #Westley growing to trust them is fun and all but Peepers already knows them interpersonally - from fairly early on! The Prisoner et al #He's not in danger - at least with Wander there lol he turns his back and Sylvia rears back and he turns again and Peepers is cowering #Poor lad haha ♪ They'll go off to fight by themselves at some point #Both of them having a proper sparring partner they're not afraid to hurt tho?? This is why their dynamic works honestly lol #But just the thought of him being equal parts defensive and trying to use them for safe haven until Hater comes back to get him lol #Unlike Westley they really can't function without him so they'd make a return trip once they noticed but how long would that take ♪#So until then he has to get cozy! (Impossible)#But really the thought of no Hater acting as his alarm clock no force to manage no paperwork no schedule - I think it would stress him out #He's a creature of habit! He's lost without his familiar-and-knowns! Waking up to birdsong and bright sunshine is alien and wrong!#Hell even sleeping to crickets and the soft and warm breathing of other bodies - it's all strange and uncomfortable ♫#Probably gets up in the middle of the night - carefully - to lay a trap that Chekov Gun-style foils him or Hater by the end lol #Anything to settle him! It would take way longer than the Skullship returning to sway his deep-rooted habits hehe

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jyndor · 8 months

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liberals will happily support liberation on tv or in a book. but they'll never support it when it's knocking on their doors.

how many more tens of thousands of palestinians have to be murdered before you care more about them their idk a fucking tv show. or a burger. or a politician.

like meanwhile the world is never going to be the same. how can it just go on for you like nothing's happening?????????

#this has changed how i view so many people #and then you go and apologize for GENOCIDE #for instance the rogue one fandom has driven me up a wall for years with its racism and xenophobia but this has been wild #and in my personal life... forget about it lol #btw basically every white democrat is dead to me even the progressive ones cough katie porter i never liked her tho lol #and ritchie torres but he's been crazy #progressive churches near me are showing their asses and i am EMBARRASSED #okay except i think the unitarian universalists as always #christian zionists die challenge #free palestine

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piningpercussionist · 25 days

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uuugHHH I hate tagging stuff

I've dragged some stuff out of the drafts and into the queue! Sorry for the content drought, I'm adjusting to new medications ^^"

Anyhow- posting this primarily to promo a fic someone wrote! Because everyone knows I'm constantly chomping at the bit for new Kim content, and I imagine several of you are too,,,

You can read it here, over on ao3!! It gets a little heavy for some people probably, but it's really quite nice, so I hope you'll consider giving it a chance! (It's seriously really good, please consider reading it.)

#also yes it is tagged w knikim but i am begging you to please read it anyway. SPOILERS but it's really so brief a moment #like it's about as brief or perhaps even Briefer- one could argue- than how they've been brushed on in canon before. because it's a look +#+at brushes with relationships Kim's had throughout the series. so please please please consider reading it I Beg Of You #okay that's all the begging I'll do. i just know that's a a tag that's gonna make some people do a 180- so I needed to get that out there #but it's really good i swear. it's got some lines I've got Rattling in my head still #sp comic #spvtw #spto #fanfics #links #kim pine #scott pilgrim #lisa miller #jason kim #hollie hawkes #knives chau #ramona flowers #ship stuff #sckim #lisim #i dont actually have a jason and kim tag im realizing. not sure i want to make one really lol. id probably make it... kim squared maybe?#kimona #always feels weird to put something in this one! bc i swore up and down this would be a basically one time use tag but here we are like 3 +#+or 4 posts deep at this point:#knikim #scott pilgrim fanfiction #scott pilgrim fandom #whoops im running out of tags. okay that's all folks!#ooc #txt

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ladysqueakinpip · 6 months

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not me lying wide awake at 5:30am on a sunday on my day off bc after almost a full year I finally FINALLY realized the implication of the end of remember them from the cyclops saga

#that song has one of the most powerful ending crescendo sequences ive heard in maybe all of musical theater #so it. always felt incomplete after ALL that buildup during the I AM THE INFAMOOOUS #only to just drop to SILENCE. no music. no fanfare. just ODYSSEUS!#he doesnt even really sing it he just sort of... shouts it #and then its followed by the faintest sound of ocean waves #its poseidon. listening. THATS why athena said DONT #poseidon heard that declaration and came back to get him later #😬#i just looked up the lyrics for ruthlessness too and poseidon basically spells it out 😂#ive only listened to that song once or twice tho and i guess i wasnt too focused on the words #anyway i relistened to the songs on friday and theyve been rotating in my mind like a 7/11 hotdog #the whole cyclops saga especially is just.... so so good #they truly dont make music about bashing peoples heads in like they used to #the first 3 songs of the saga especially... oof #how they blend one into the other back to back and end up making like a 10 minute narration of events #the whole thing is so bone chilling #it gets my heartrate up lol #PLUS the theme of pain and vengeance bring more pain #EVERY time polyphemus says 'what gives you a right to deal a pain so deep'#and when odysseus says 'what good would killing do when mercy is a skill more of the world could learn to use'#rocking back and forth sobbing crying #remember them the next time that you DARE choose not to spare! remember them... remember us... remember me!#cant wait for everyone to turn their back on this musical in 5 yrs #like they did with hamilto.n #hamilto.n never stopped being good actually #yall are just embarrassed about being weird fanatics over people who rly existed

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universalheart · 1 year

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apocalypse

#i really missed drawing in mspaint! this is my first mspaint drawing in a long long time. its also of the most predictable characters ever #but my friend fizz recently asked me why i liked gallus so much in the first place (because i am the only gallus fan.) this made me rewatc #basically every episode he's in so that i could think about like...really why i DO like him. at the time i told avery that its because i #just tend to like grumpy characters (which they said like grumpy bear lol - i do love grumpy bear and am a huge care bears fan. another #good example is susie deltarune or karkat. i really like them both.)#but then why don't i have an obsession with like...short fuse? or gilda? or smolder?#(although i do actually adore gilda and smolder...)#but its probably because gallus gets the most emotional focus out of any young 6 member (excluding maybe yona?) especially in the episode #hearth's warming club. this episode (just his telling of his backstory really) is very heart-wrenching to me. more so now that i really #like him and have created a whole characterization for him outside of the show.#and there are other things...like the fact that he's a boy character in a show that doesn't have an apparent misogynistic culture #or the fact that he's from a different kingdom so he's experiencing equestria for the first time #or the fact that i sometimes...personally feel excluded not from wider society but also my family. so i relate to him. and i wrote these #feelings i have into summerfree! ive been doing it since i was 17! his original iteration was named LYRICAL PROSE...but he's always just #sort of been me trying to express how comforted i feel by my little pony. my old oc tickle (and my current oc daisy chain and my ponysona #milkweed) also do this for me.#its like free therapy :3 #gallus #summerfree apple #june 12th 2023 #june 13th 2023

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daz4i · 8 months

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how and why is there discourse about whether or not certain queer identities exist/if people should be allowed(???) to use them. why is "people know their own identity better than you ever could, and they're the only one who get a say on what they are" such a tough concept to grasp

i think if you find yourself offended by the label someone uses (especially if they're a stranger) or think it invalidates your own, it's a good idea to look inside yourself and question why that may be. more often than not, it's a result of insecurity or uncertainty of your own identity (or many other things, but i won't make a whole list here). whatever reason it is, until you resolve it, you shouldn't take it out on people for having an identity you don't understand

many have said it before but it's worth saying over and over. infighting only helps our oppressors. conservatives don't care if you're a cis gay or a xenogender aegosexual aplatonic lesbian, they hate all of us either way. trying to fit in by going for people who are easier targets for them isn't gonna help you, it'll just alienate you from your own community, and you're never gonna please them. the momentary rush you get from hearing you're not like "one of /those/ gay people" is not worth it and is gonna do more harm in the long run, i assure you

also, it is important to me to say this, but having some less than nice kneejerk reaction caused by confusion about an identity you don't understand doesn't mean you're a bad person or anything. as long as you aren't mean to that person, and you take a second to think smth along the lines of "wait a minute, this isn't any of my business" after having said reaction, you're good 👍 a lot of reflexive reactions we have to things are ingrained into us simply by. well. living in a society 🤡 and you're not terrible for having those thoughts. it's your actions that matter, and your second thought (the "wait, why did i just think that?") is more defining of your actual character and morals than your reflex. i know that having thoughts like this, even tho they're unwanted, can very easily make one spiral, so it's important to me that whoever needs to hear this knows this doesn't make you a bad person 🙏 you're good, keep taking actions to be good, accept other people even if you don't understand them, and you're on the right track :)

#i considered adding that last part in the tags but i figured it'll be too long for that 😭#i noticed i'm posting a lot of rants lately. sorry. but i do wanna make sure no one's actually feeling bad over them #if i complain about something that you do or call it mean and such. that doesn't make you a bad person #you can always work to change and grow 👍 it's not easy but it starts with smaller steps than you'd expect #and now i just switched to a whole other topic from my original point. oops #i do firmly believe that any discourse about someone's identity is dumb as fuck #seeing it in poll blogs always makes me 😐😬 like how is it any business for any of us. why is this up for debate #if a person says they're queer then they are. they don't need to pass some test or go through initiation to be accepted #if they feel comfortable with a certain word that's awesome. why does it matter to *you* which word they use #'they're only using this microlabel to feel special' so? is there anything wrong with that?#'this label contradicts [insert other identity that falls under the same umbrella]' ok. but does that hurt anyone in any way #a lot of identities can even be self contradictory. does it matter tho? does it affect anyone in any way?#'they might realize that label is wrong later' again. what's the harm in that.#i don't blame anyone for these thoughts bc like. this is how cishets view a lot of the even more common labels #so you're basically taught to think this way from day one. that doesn't mean you need to stick to that thought process #you might have these reflexes forever no matter how hard you try. but you'll get quicker about moving on from them #but you do have to try. you do have to realize that other people's identities aren't about you #anyway. this post feels like batting at a hornets nest. really hope i don't get some bad faith readers here lol #(i noticed a lot of places one could apply bad faith but like it's 3:30 am i'm too tired to add this many disclaimer.#so i'm gonna trust you to not jump to conclusions and to approach this in good faith okay? mwah 🖤)#also my whole ramble abt morality (in the tags too) is relevant to. any topic really #i may just make a separate post about it really. .....tomorrow tho.

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bunnihearted · 20 hours

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🐰🕸🌙

#i have so many behaviours and fears and #no emotional regulation and issues and disorders and fearrrrr #and i do not know how to explain it so that ppl who dont relate can possibly understand it #but it is like i am trapped in a nightmare dimension where everything is always bad #my brain isnt even wired to see anything in a positive or hopeful light #which is how humans are wired typically to ensure survival lol #in swedish avpd is also called anxious personality disorder #which can clue in on the fact that if you know what a personality disorder is #(your brain hasnt developed normally but in a disordered way. often bc of trauma etc)#my brain is wired to be anxious abt wverything all the time #so i always naturally see everything in a negative and dark and bad and horrible light #which is fucking terrible. it makes life exhausting and like a constant fight #other ppl dont get that bc their brains arent wired to have this horrible outlook on EVERYTHING #so thid just gives me extreme trust issues and my brain always fights to make sense of things #bc it cannot do so in a rational manner #and basically i just feel so ashamed when i think of how like... overly emotional and fearful i am #as soon as anything happens im like wow this person literally wants to kill me bc humans are evil #which i know intellectually isnt tru bc if it was i'd be dead by now 💀#ig i just feel so lucky that one person still is my friend after almost 2yrs now #despite my whateverthefuck moments when idek what im saying..#'working thru my emotions' in a way that doesnt make sense #esp when hes seen some of what i've written and im like NOOO i was spiraling when i said that i dont mean that i think most likely i dont #anyway.. feeling grateful 🙏 i wish i was normal #or at least had th ability to have connections and relationships most ppl w mental illness are still capable of having #avpd is fucked upppp it is such a weird mental disability.... 0-o #bc of my fear i also struggle with relaxing into it bc im like no imma fuck it up soon or no hes gonna leave me soon bc i suck and dont #deserve having him in my life at all. i really wish my brain wasnt wired to be terrified like i hate my brain and myself like why cant #i just be normal!!!!!! ☹️ i am thankful for every moment still.

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psychoticscare · 1 month

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.

#lol i remember when i was friends/sort of romantically involved with someone who meant the world to me many years ago #whenever we would text i would always avoid being near mirrors or cover parts of my face #or try to picture myself as someone else while speaking with them because i felt so severely not good enough and not worthy and gross #and disgusting lol lmao and that’s the main reason why we didn’t even date and why everything basically fell apart #i will never see myself as good enough even while in someone’s presence i have to dissociate myself from who i am and pretend im not me #in order to get through a conversation this is what destroyed my first relationship #everything is always so chaotic because i’ll never truly see myself as good enough and im not.#and it’s crazy because i’ve been heavily reassured on this but it’s something that’s so incredibly hard to work through #the first poem i wrote while i was involved with another person awhile back. It was literally about how i felt like i had to look away #from them because no way in hell i’m allowed to be seen with them. like look at me #😂😂

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skitskatdacat63 · 9 months

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I forget how comfortable my life is living w just my parents, in terms of being comfortably out, then have to listen to my brother go on a homophobic rant, that I can't tell if its a joke or not, but was really hurtful :)

#twas very uncomfortable to sit thru #the words 'what if i told you i was gay' on my tongue 'am i disgusting?'#i dont understand straight white boys #you do all this gay chicken w your friends. say all this weird stuff that makes me 🤨#(<- ex. joking abt sucking dick bcs theyre eating a 12 inch hot dog. circa cota gp lol)#but then say these horribly homophobic things #i dont understand men #i can never tell if hes joking when he says things like this #bcs he likes to be argumentative and inflammatory. and knows we'll get pissed at him for this #so its like. are you saying this bcs you truly believe it or are you just being irritating. or both #he randomly said smth abt how the romans and greeks did gross gay things #and im like. should this not make you think 'wow homosexuality has existed for centuries. ig its pretty natural!!'#<- thats always my takeaway. theres been records of it since basically the beginning of recorded history #and i look at it and feel comforted :] this has always been a thing and always will be thing #and then people like him basterdize it completely misinterpret it ;;;;#i like him but when hes back living w us I remember how horrible his views and opinions are #ugh i live w my parents and theyre so accepting abt it and willing to learn more and change #and then i remember how fucking shit the rest of my family is #well ah dw i got back at him by calling him gay sjkfkglg #catie.rambling.txt

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icewindandboringhorror · 2 months

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Everytime I face a new character limit on a website that didn't have them before/used to have really long ones... AUGHHhhh the modern social media world was not made for people like me (lovers of details, rambling, elaboration, thorough explanation, and nuance)