#it’s really not a scary movie. but i guess the ideas lodged themselves in my brain and i ended up dreaming about being possessed and living

[fingertipsmp3]

Me: I think I’m getting over my irrational fear of demonic possession

Also me: *has a nightmare about demonic possession, wakes up from it at 5am, refuses to go back to sleep, and spends whole day tired*

[anhed-nia]

BLOGTOBER 10/22-23/2023: SMILE (2022) and BARBARIAN (2022) - In Defense of the Tall Gangly Old Lady Monster

I've heard a lot of complaints lately (haven't we all) about the recent emergence of a new horror archetype--the tall, gangly, old lady monster--and I always get the feeling that the plaintiffs are willfully ignoring the context of this apparition. I mean sure, if you feel annoyed with the rapid proliferation of a prematurely tired cliche, that's fair; personally I'm pretty sick of scary clowns, even though some of them are still effective, if your main proposal is a scary clown then you're going to have to work harder than usual to get my attention. But vis a vis the tall scary old lady discourse, as far as I've seen, the objection is almost always the same: This monster is an expression of disdain for elderly people, and a reinforcement of the idea that women are worthy so long as they are considered sexually viable, after which point they deserve only disgust and rejection. And like there will surely be boring, misogynistic representations of this monster that are fair to roll one's eyes at, but the most visible targets of this criticism have been SMILE and BARBARIAN, and I would argue that both films are full of ambivalence and irony, and the specific morphology of the monster is thoughtful and deliberate.

I think that any time you hear a complaint that is based on the assumption that a movie is promoting real-life ideals and ethics, you need to double check that. This is the propaganda model of media analysis, and while nothing is created in a vacuum, not everything has didactic, propagandistic motivations. Certainly some movies ARE doing just that; I see quite a lot of chauvinism and bigotry in action movies, comedies, and (perhaps most of all) romantic comedies, whose content is clearly presented as aspirational. Low-hanging fruit of this kind is found in movies like SWEET HOME ALABAMA, which says that self-made independent career women are just fooling themselves and should stay home and serve whoever gets them pregnant first, or the similarly retrogressive JUNO in which a girl who gets knocked up during high school is universally worshiped and supported by everybody and truly loved by the knocker-upper and there is almost nothing really perilous or concerning about the whole situation, it's all very cute and desirable. Horror movies require a little more investigation. Sometimes the monster does embody some kind of moral mandate, or an unjust injunction against a certain demographic. Hitchcock and De Palma have been accused of transphobia, for instance, and while I don't think we should throw out their movies (which you should never have to do unless you're incapable of critical thought), the charges are fair. But other times, the monster embodies unfinished business, ambivalence, irony, insecurity. It exists not as a symbol of universal evil, but as a foil to the hero. And sometimes the hero is not a hero at all.

All of the following is extensively spoilery, so proceed with whatever caution is appropriate: Zach Cregger's BARBARIAN is a delightfully twisty, prismatic reflection on misogynistic violence and its consequences. It begins with a simple-seeming situation that prods the viewer to guess what protagonist Georgina Campbell should do about the problem of an unplanned male roommate in her Airbnb. Bill Skarsgård is sketchy and intrusive, but charming enough to create a dilemma for the savvy young woman--a dilemma which ends abruptly with the discovery of a monster in the basement. The building itself has its own polar identity: It offers appealing lodging for hip Detroit tourists in a once-desirable neighborhood devastated by racist, capitalist forces. The home's previous owner was a serial killer (the great Richard Brake!) with a penchant for forcibly breeding his female victims, and it is now the possession of Justin Long, a hot shot actor who is so poisoned by his own witless misogyny that he seems genuinely unaware of what constitutes rape. Lurking in the labyrinthine foundations of his investment property is one of Brake's victims: A tall, powerful, barely-human female who has been warped into believing that her captives are actually her babies. While BARBARIAN is willfully disorienting, and that is part of its charm, a bird's eye view shows its careful orchestration of clear spectrum of forms of abuse--from the institutional, to the constitutional, to the unconscious--alongside a polar pair of potential survivors, one final girl and one twisted victim.

Much has been made of the scene in which Justin Long is forced to suckle on the pendulous teat of the maternal morlock. The common assumption seems to be that we're supposed to share Long's disgust and pity his violation. I would question any impulse to side with Long as an innocent victim; certainly you're supposed to fear the monster, but that doesn't mean you can't share in the cathartic delight of a selfish, greedy, destructive, gentrifying rapist getting his comeuppance in the form of unwanted carnal contact with a female who shatters all of his fascist beauty standards. Yes, she is meant to be terrifying, but the all-important question is WHY, on what principle? On any close inspection, the motivation of BARBARIAN does not seem to involve reinforcing ageist, ableist, misogynistic values. And one might add that, in general, it doesn't get us very far culturally or artistically to insist that all oppressed-minority characters are always presented unambiguously as heroes or tragic victims. Sometimes we don't mind grossing you out, as long as we get our revenge.

Much like the dark mother in BARBARIAN, the monstrosity in Parker Finn's SMILE embodies the protagonist's neurotic phobias, rather than making a statement about objective good and evil. Sosie Bacon plays a therapist in an emergency psychiatric unit who makes the unfortunate acquaintance of a transient entity that perpetuates its existence by possessing the witnesses of violent suicides. As the traumatized target begins to perceive the leering entity everywhere, she descends into a self-destructive spiral that will end with her own inevitable death. Bacon makes an especially good victim because, aside from the immediate impact of the horrifying suicide she witnesses in her ward, she is haunted by the childhood memory of having passively allowed her mentally ill, substance-dependent mother to die. As an adult, Bacon has eschewed the challenge of deeper connections in favor of shallow, conditional relationships with people who will not forgive her flaws when they are exposed. The demon exploits her refusal to face herself by incarnating as a version of her mother that is at first pitiful and accusative, then powerful and terrifying. Once again, the dark mother is not here to encourage the audience's prejudices against women who are dysfunctional or physically past their supposed prime; in SMILE she is an avenging spirit who forces the protagonist, and the audience, into a direct confrontation with all that we ignore and avoid.

There is a lot more I would like to say about SMILE, and I kind of feel like I'm stealing from future me by including it in this abbreviated review! But as I have previously stated, I didn't know this was going to be a speed run of Blogtober until I was completely overwhelmed by life and it was too late to curate accordingly. To be honest, I liked BARBARIAN a lot and I think it's sort of deep in spite of itself, but SMILE scared the absolute shit out of me both times that I saw it. I probably found it even more effective the second time. It is unpredictable and beautifully articulated, with a strong visual personality that perfectly serves its psychological purposes. And like, if you happen to be a high-anxiety person with social problems who withers under too much attention or eye contact, and you have a basic daily fear that you don't really know who people are behind their er um uh smiles, THIS IS THE HORROR MOVIE FOR YOU. I got scared again just picking out images for my blog post! So, I reserve the right to revisit both of these movies on future Blogtobers. There is certainly a lot to say just about the emerging horror archetype of the giantess/ogress--other examples that immediately spring to mind include the vampire from Resident Evil: Village and the final (TERRIFYING!) monster in the original [REC], and I'm sure there are more, and I'm also pretty sure some real-deal academic will scoop me on this! Actually, I hope they do. Please holler at me when you inevitably see the relevant think piece.

[purplesurveys]

1047

What’s the most historic thing that has happened in your lifetime? I can think of a few things. There’s 9/11 though I was barely conscious then, Osama Bin Laden’s death, the 2004 Indian Ocean tsunami, 2011 Japan earthquake, and the H1N1 and Covid pandemics. In my country, there were typhoons Ondoy and Yolanda, the Manila hostage crisis, and the Hello Garci election corruption scandal. Out of these, though, I’d say the heaviest ones to bear have been 9/11 and Covid.

What happens in your country regularly that people in most countries would find strange or bizarre?

We use a spoon and fork to eat and only really fancy shmancy restaurants give you a knife and a fork. Many eat with their hands as well, though this is way more common in provinces.

Everyone is late to everything and punctuality isn’t a thing, which is a big culture pet peeve of mine and I still like arriving early/on time anywhere.

This applies to Asia in general lmao, but shoes typically aren’t allowed or at least frowned upon if they go beyond the main entrance of houses.

We start Christmas as early as September, and we end it by the last week of January

When families get together, aunts/uncles will usually greet their nieces/nephews by asking if they already have a boy/girlfriend and/or telling them that they got fat. Horror relatives will greet you with both.

People generally like to keep to themselves, so striking a friendly conversation with strangers even if you have the pure, genuine intention to be simply friendly will just lead them to think you’re being a creep lol

What has been blown way out of proportion? The effects of video games and the question of it increasing violence among kids. Sure there’ve been gruesome accounts and no one’s invalidating those, but the overwhelmingly vast amount of people who play video games end up okay. I had so many killing binges on GTA but to this day I can’t even look at a real gun without shuddering, lol. When was a time you acted nonchalant but were going crazy inside? This is me every morning at work. 9 AM-11 AM is always the busiest period and it’s a lot of shit happening at the same time and a lot of morning deadlines to meet, but unlike college I can’t exactly call for a timeout whenever I want and have panic attacks anymore.

What’s about to get much better? I hope my fucking life is next in line. I’m tired of being tired of being tired.

What are some clever examples of misdirection you’ve seen? Probably all the times WWE would mislead viewers on a rumored return or debut of a big name by saying they’re in another city, implying that there’s no way they’d be appearing on a WWE show. This happened with Ronda Rousey and it was so fucking exciting when she finally showed up, haha.

What’s your funniest story involving a car? I don’t know, really...I don’t try to be funny when I’m on the wheel lol. Probably the time I let Angela use my car on campus, and when she needed to make a u-turn she ended up doing an awkward 90º turn and had an SUV nearly crash towards us. She had only driven a handful of times at that point so she was a little clumsy, but neither of us had any idea she’d fuck up a simple u-turn as badly as she ended up doing lmao.

What would be the click-bait titles of some popular movies? I can think of more clickbait posters than titles, but I can’t seem to remember what those films are called right now.

If you built a themed hotel, what would the theme be and what would the rooms look like? Themed hotels generally make me cringe. The most theme-y place we ever stayed at was the lodge in Sagada and it was really just more homey than anything. I’m not into themes when it comes to hotels as I find it a little cheap lol and I’ve always preferred a straightforward experience in the places I stay at for vacations.

What scientific discovery would change the course of humanity overnight if it was discovered? A way to live forever. < This is a good one. Also, maybe a huge asteroid or meteor bound to hit the planet that will make widespread extinction a certainty? I can’t even begin to imagine the panic that will rise from something like that.

Do you think that humans will ever be able to live together in harmony? I doubt it. It sounds difficult especially when you realize we’re 7 billion in total.

What would your perfect bar look like? As long as there aren’t any annoying younger college kids, who are almost always the loudest crowd and not in a good way, I’m okay with any kind of bar.

What’s the scariest non-horror movie? Some shots in 2001: A Space Odyssey are freaky as fuck. There were several scenes that included sudden HAL shots, and I did not enjoy those. How the fuck Kubrick managed to make a computer scary is beyond me. I’ve also always skipped the vortex scene with the creepy face shots after seeing it once.

What’s the most amazing true story you’ve heard? This is a really vague question... a few months ago I watched this video diary of parents who had a child born at like 25 weeks. Just way too early, basically. And they recorded the kid’s weekly progress, how she kept fighting, and her journey of being transported from one machine to another while she still needed them. It was beautiful to see her get bigger and plumper with each week that passed and it was just such a feel-good story to watch. I was so relieved when they showed footage of her as a normal, healthy toddler by the end of the clip.

What’s the grossest food that you just can’t get enough of? I know balut is pretty unpopular in the Western part of the world, but I’ll gladly eat a dozen of them in one sitting. In general Asian street food is usually considered gross - pig intestines, chicken intestines, chicken feet, pig ears, etc., but all are normal in the culture I was raised in.

What brand are you most loyal to? It’s annoying and I can’t help it, but Apple.

What’s the most awkward thing that happens to you on a regular basis? I try not to make it regular, but sometimes a mistake on my end will slip through in an email I’m sending and I have to send another email correcting myself and apologizing for the oversight. One of my least favorite parts about work.

If you had to disappear and start a whole new life, what would you want your new life to look like? I’m not wishing for much. I just wish it was easier to remove any trace of me on social media sites and have it be as if I never existed because I think that would make it easier for me to move on from...well, you know what. I still have trouble verbalizing it and I don’t feel like mentioning it tonight.

But idk, I like staying connected to my family and friends, so idk if I can ever achieve that. And that said, I think I’m bound to always keep seeing her around.

What movie or book do you know the most quotes from? I memorize a pathetic amount of dialogue from Love Actually, Twilight, Titanic, and The Proposal.  What was one of the most interesting concerts you’ve been to? I guess Coldplay? They gave assigned lightsticks for each section and the crowd looked amazing when the production crew activated the lights for certain songs. I still have some of the clips because I posted them on Snapchat, so I’m really glad I did that; otherwise I would’ve lost the videos forever.

Where are you not welcome anymore? I’ve felt pretty unwelcome around her. How she could do a 180 and just not be interested in having anything to do with me is really soul-crushing.

What do you think could be done to improve the media? Fact fucking check, please. Also keeping sources balanced, avoiding clickbait headlines, being more objective than neutral, and don’t fucking sensationalize. How timely that this landed on a journalism graduate, hahaha.

What’s the most recent show you’ve binge watched? Start Up but I haven’t continued in the last two weeks :/ I think it’s because I know I’m nearing the finale and I subconsciously just don’t want to run out of Start Up episodes to watch lol but yeah, I still have four episodes left and I have no clue when I’ll watch it again.

What’s a common experience for many people that you’ve never experienced? Being close with their mom and considering them as their rock.

What are some misconceptions about your hobby? I don’t know enough about embroidery to know misconceptions about it.

What did you Google last? 2001: A Space Odyssey because I needed to be sure of the scenes I planned on citing in the question above that made me mention the movie.

What’s the dumbest thing someone has argued with you about? Not being able to find a restaurant to eat at. The backstory is a little complicated but it’s the same fight that led my younger brother to slap me across the face, and what subsequently led me to stop speaking to him.

If money and practicality weren’t a problem, what would be the most interesting way to get around town? Probably a tank.

What’s the longest rabbit hole you’ve been down? It’s always the ones on Wikipedia lol. I find weird and interesting articles on there all the time; there’s always something new to read.

What odd smell do you really enjoy? The rain, though sometimes it can be too overpowering when the humidity has been high. I like it for the most part, though.

What fashion trend makes you cringe or laugh every time you see it? Streetwear is so fucking dull to me. I never saw the appeal.

What’s your best story of you or someone else trying to be sneaky and failing miserably? Hahahaha this happened just a few weeks ago actually. My parents and I were headed out to have some ramen, and I opened the car door to hop onto the backseat. They didn’t prepare beforehand and they left the Christmas gift I asked for - a corkboard - in the backseat, so I was able to see the whole thing, unwrapped and with price tag and all. Their mortified faces knowing that their secret’s been blown were hilarious. They had no choice but to just give it up, and the corkboard has been on my wall since.

If you had a HUD that showed three stats about any person you looked at, what three stats would you want it to show? I guess the stability of our relationship, their general mood for the day, and erm how badly they need a hug because I’m always willing to give some.

What’s the best way you or someone you know has gotten out of a ticket / trouble with the law? My mom fake-cries her way out and it’s always been hilarious to see a grown ass woman do it and pull it off every time.

Tear gas makes people cry and laughing gas makes people giggle, what other kinds of gases do you wish existed? I don’t really want to manipulate people’s action in this way, so pass.

[floggingink]

Riverdale, “Chapter Twenty-Five: The Wicked and the Divine”

Jughead has seen more “mob movies” than I have, so I can’t verify his “classic trope,” but he’s speaking my language

I found Archie’s Devil Wears Prada errand-montage zippy and playful, much like Hiram Lodge himself

especially the direction of the construction guy’s arm clapping Archie’s shoulder to add movement to the swerving transition (not a technical term) as he steps into the trailer

Hiram’s soft V-neck sweater is, I assume, cashmere

Veronica’s look is so inseparable from collars and pearls that she has a collar made of pearls sewn into her dress

RAS wanted a Veronica-confirmation episode, so by God, he is getting one, and Veronica’s age be damned! Hiram and Hermione wanted “the same monsignor” from Veronica’s baptism, who I guess has been on leave at the Vatican for five years okay!

Archie wants to know if Veronica will have “to memorize stuff”

Veronica’s confirmation sponsor is her grandmother, which is par for the course, as is volunteering at a soup kitchen for her like 8 hours of required community service. I also had to write a report on Saint Lucy and pray a rosary in front of an abortion clinic. Veronica probably won’t have to do that, since you can’t say abortion on Riverdale

do soup kitchens have any actual paid employees, or are they all stocked with kids who just need volunteer hours/Matthew Goode’s character from The Good Wife in his spare time wearing that blue sweatshirt to characterize him as being “just that nice”?

Hiram is such a fucking soap opera star when he says Veronica has made him “the happiest father ALIVE.” like, alive?

“ISN’T SHE A MIRACLE?”

on FP’s kitchen table is the same kind of half-gallon of milk that Jughead was drinking from the morning after his birthday party. the Andrewses kept a spare half-gallon of skim milk just for Jughead in their fridge? the nicest thing Fred ever did for him

Jughead doubts it: Jughead is VERY sassy with Sheriff Keller and FP loves it!!!! because Jughead can have an anti-authoritarian ’tude WITHOUT NECESSARILY being “a gang member” at that particular moment!

FP is so crisp and put together! FP looks GREAT! what up though, Gladys?

wow I can’t believe Jughead’s article wielded so much political power that its legal ramifications echo throughout the entire episode, as if Jughead were Nellie Bly

“CAN I GET A QUOTE?” this is the Jughead that FP plainly adores

Jughead and Betty both drink skim milk, so, their wedding will be soon

are men on webcams actually fool enough to ask the webcam girls if they can MEET IN REAL LIFE? I have no knowledge about this world, but I would imagine the answer would be “Have you ever seen a film, ever?”

50 Shades of Betty: Betty looks pretty great in that severe black fucking wig and I still want an apology from Chuck specifically about dissing the wig

“Catholic chic” means veils optional, like the stole in black tie

What damn high school in America: Jughead doesn’t have to wear the preppy Lodge uniform, I see? shame

Best costume bit: Betty’s heart sweater is possibly my favorite thing she’s ever worn. I want it BADLY

ARE YOU TELLING ME HIRAM LODGE WANTS TO SUE A HIGH SCHOOL NEWSPAPER?

“DEFAMATION OF CHARACTER”? IS THERE SOMETHING HE WROTE THAT WASN’T TRUE? ARE YOU ~NOT~ BUILDING BOWLING ALLEYS ON NATIVE AMERICAN LAND? I will fucking suit up and be Jughead’s lawyer on this. as has been demonstrated, I have seen every episode of The Good Wife and can probably practice law in Illinois (for instance I know that in Illinois you only need one-person consent to secretly record a conversation)

I love Betty and Jughead being in the same room, of course, but Betty’s gentle, poking “And...did you?” is EXCEPTIONALLY cute. Betty is so cute. and sometimes scary

Jughead’s least clueless moment of the season so far is him looking back knowingly at Betty when she says maybe he would do it to “avenge Toni’s grandfather”

“WE’RE PALS.”

Jughead kind of looks great leaning against the window. like the lighting or something. God, please let me one day see the two of them making out with Betty in her cheerleading uniform

okay, I thought Betty and Jughead, IT WAS IMPLIED, had already had sex, because I was shown them waking up together after they had slept together in the trailer. apparently they LITERALLY slept together. APPARENTLY THEY HAVE NOT HAD SEX YET. I should have known, from the sleeper biceps, that Jughead was still pining IN THIS WAY, FOR THAT! I should have KNOWN Betty had not RIDDEN JUGHEAD INTO THE SUNSET YET. fuck! what am I doing!

Every triangle has three corners, every triangle has three sides: I also emotionally defend Betty’s ecru lie about not having “done anything” with anyone since the breakup since, as one will recall, immediately after her and Archie’s kiss they stared in horror at each other and have not talked about it since, thus cancelling it out as a real kiss (this is also a statute of Illinois law)

Hermione Lodge has some sort of skinny gold Lothlórien belt on over her deep merlot blazer

Archie > Dawson: Archie is sweet when he apologizes for making Pop double-check the order: “It’s more to make sure I get everything right.”

Archie hears Pop’s slip about Hiram being “the boss,” but other things happen and he FORGETS! at what inopportune time will he remember? when he’s physically embracing Jughead Jones?

although couldn’t Pop just play it off like Hiram is Archie’s boss? think on your feet, Pop

for the record I love Agent Adams and his whole deal. his plan is so insane that it might be brilliant. I just do still wish he were being played by either Sterling K. Brown or Max Greenfield

he doesn’t appreciate Archie’s attitude: “Is there a problem?” yeah, uh, Archie’s like twelve years old and not a trained undercover field agent? I love this stupid shit

oh, everyone’s being evicted from Sunnyside? if only Jughead hadn’t driven the southside’s only lawyer out of town with Kenickie Murdoch’s switchblade

OH MY GOD HERMIONE’S PANTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

according to everyone’s facial expressions, Veronica is under the impression she is doing good political maneuvering inviting the McCoys to her confirmation, Hermione is stunned she did so, Veronica really wanted to sing a solo, and Josie doesn’t know why she has to fucking apologize for anything

Josie being Veronica’s “gift” from Mayor McCoy is horrifying

Sixth period is Intro to Film: Cruel Intentions is a fantastic Catholic standard, containing as it does cocaine, “experimental” girl-on-girl French kissing, Ryan Phillippe’s ass, the line “I'm the Marcia fucking Brady of the Upper East Side and sometimes I want to kill myself,” and implied step-sibling fucking, all of which I think Riverdale should include more of

the blue and red lighting inside the Wyrm is still nice. does the Wyrm even count as a dive? strippers probably wouldn’t waste their time at dives

wow there are some true beards in this crowd

okay…..the idea that Tall Boy is a better suspect than Jughead…...because he’s physically taller…..is singularly the most fantastic thing…..I have ever heard…..

I’ve seen Brick like thirty times: the sound of Archie shifting on the leather of Hiram’s couch is real good

“I RESPECT A MAN WHO WOULD GO TO SUCH EXTREMES.” HIRAM PLEASE!!!!! ARCHIE IS TOO DUMB FOR THIS!!!!!!

Gay?!: Ben? who the fuck is Ben? who is BEN? who the fuck?

OH MY GOD Jughead got in to see the mayor AGAIN! is Ethel Muggs her secretary???

Jughead interrupted Mayor McCoy eating her salad at her desk

for like the third time in the series she says she’s “always liked” Jughead, which, fat lot of good that’s done him

in Riverdale there is a red uniform at the soup kitchen, because even THE POOR must abide by aesthetics

Archie doesn’t know what cutting cigars means

Archie’s shoulders are nice under that polo

Betty’s plan about “treat it like a missing person’s case” and making it like this snooping Blue and Gold intrigue thing is of course welcome as a pretense for the two of them working together (on the show’s part), but in reality it’s just the fucking bare minimum that THE AUTHORITIES should ALREADY BE FUCKING DOING THEMSELVES

at this point I went to bed and had a very gripping, sexy dream about Veronica and Jughead. Veronica and Jughead

“Damn good coffee”: Hiram floating having to “bring Archie in” on the Lodge Family Tammany Hall is only slightly less absurd than the Federal Bureau of Investigation having already done so. what does Archie need to be brought in on, exactly? he’s just Veronica’s arm candy. he barely knows what a cigar is

while it is STILL ODD that Veronica has done a 180 on her accepting her father’s criminality, she still holds Archie up as a beacon of goodness, because, like I said, shoulders, polos

Jughead’s “order of the Ophidians” as he tapes up the Missing poster is either, so far as I can tell, an extremely obscure MMORPG reference or he’s just calling them snakes, but like, in Latin

Penny didn’t die of gangrene from her blistering wound like on the Oregon trail? probably a plus

FP is in some deep pain here. this is so far beyond his worst fears about Jughead joining the Serpents that he like never even fucking considered—I NEVER FUCKING CONSIDERED IT, IT WAS FUCKING RIDICULOUS

I certainly don’t think Penny’s terms are like, PARTICULARLY OUT OF LINE

ooooh Jughead’s little snipe at his father for fridging Jason!

I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH “YOU WILL BE THE DEATH OF US,” THE ANGUISHED REALIZATION IN FP’S EYES, GLADYS STAY AWAY!!!!!

I can’t believe the sixth season of The Wire takes place in Riverdale and doesn’t even have Sonja Sohn playing Agent Adams

Alice’s angel wing-white Founding Father blouse and Betty’s textured peach sweater

Hal is REALLY skittish about Chic, considering that HE’S HIS SON, SO FAR AS WE KNOW. but Hal hordes important information until the bitter end, so he probably just knows some shit

The Blossom Whoever the fuck’s spawn: “He’s a stranger. That’s my beef.”

“It’s been ~some time~ since my last confession” is usually the most accurate clocking I could give as well

I love the very dangerous clusters of candles inside the confessional

These students are legally children: NO ONE is helping Veronica. Veronica is trying to “find her thing” like, in the dark, lit by votive candles

I loved the circle of beautiful mob wives drinking wine and talking about how praying to “the Almighty” for “forgiveness” makes them feel better #aspirational

Hiram isn’t fucking around with Mr. Man “disrespecting Pop Tate.” Pop Tate is an angel, doing his best out here in a chaotic world. his poutine is probably great!

Archie’s stuck using the wrong kind of plunger

Poppa Poutine says Hiram lost his “mojo” in “the joint”

is Poppa right? is Hiram weak? if you subtract the Andrews boys, he doesn’t seem to have any problems

The 2001 Josie and the Pussycats movie was a masterpiece: Josie is back with killer witchy earrings, a lovely dress, and a fierce hold on the remainder of her personal agency

of course it’s “Bitter Sweet Symphony” but with harps. you know the Verve doesn’t get any royalties from that song? are the Rolling Stones the worst band in the world?

I LIKE THE SWOOSH FROM LARRY OR WHOEVER AND POPPA BACK TO ARCHIE WATCHING THEM

the back of the church is bathed in purple, the altar is yellow, the monsignor is in BRIGHT PALM SUNDAY RED, and this is what church should have always been like

Fwoopy hair is the best hair: Hermione’s strong-shouldered structured white jacket is amazing and Jughead forgoed his hat, to be respectful

Cheryl’s a chaos angel from hell: slightly strangely, Cheryl isn’t there at all this episode, but what we are truly robbed of is seeing what she would have worn to the confirmation

Veronica has a SUPER-SWEET very light pink/purple manicure!

Summer + Blair = Veronica: you better believe when Veronica was asked if she renounced Satan I was like, IS SHE GOING TO LOOK AT HER FATHER AND STORM OUT OF THAT CHURCH????? I THOUGHT SHE MIGHT!!!!!

instead I got an amazing thematic light show about Veronica choosing to believe in Archie’s unflagging internal compass and following his light (“the light of the Lord”!)

HE GIVES HER A TINY HAPPY NOD WHILE SHE’S THINKING, LIKE “YEAH BABE I KNOW YOU RENOUNCE SATAN!!!!!”

Veronica was rich: Veronica does look like a fucking angel up there

wow, Dilton isn’t DJing the afterparty? weird

why are Betty and Archie standing together AT ALL?

Abuelita is 100% right about pinching Archie’s cheek and Archie goes with it because he is respectful

Jughead eats: Jughead is so tormented he neglects the buffet!!!!!!

Jughead’s suit is very nice. I like the progression of his wearing better and better suits

Betty takes the news of Jughead’s CONFESSION that he “cut” Penny pretty stoically, as she did boil a guy once

POOR JUG IS RIGHT, IT DIDN’T EVEN MATTER!

Closed Captioning tells me the junkyard guy’s name is “JUNKYARD STEVE,” MY MAN

“If only we lived in a town where the answer could be no.”

Sexy, aesthetic Southside: Jughead in his leather jacket OVER HIS SUIT JACKET is pretty good!

“BY ANY CHANCE WAS THIS GENTLEMAN TALL?” OH MY GOD!!!! CASE FUCKING CLOSED BOYS!!!!!!!

Hermione hauling Veronica back for the photographer

Archie looking up from behind the closing art deco elevator doors

The female gaze: Archie is of course so handsome and perfectly proportioned in his suit. his handsomeness is such a given that I take it wholly for granted, like how when not suffering an allergy attack I can breathe from both nostrils but when one hits and I’m sneezing up my guts I’m like, air coming in from both nostrils? true bliss, I’ll never forget it again

God, did he get rid of his tailored cranberry Blossom suit? not the WORST crime committed in Riverdale, but probably worthy of eviction

Fifth period is AP English: as @hangingonyourwords noted, Archie knowing the word “coup” is VERY surprising! GOOD, ARCHIE

Hiram Lodge is, I think, listening to that song from Carmen while pouring himself a stiff drink, the massive Rory Gilmore portrait of Veronica over one shoulder and the blue light of an antipodean sea streaming in over the other, using a rotary phone to call in A MURDER

Tall Boy having to suffer interrogation by Jughead, whom he surely must have always despised, is his final indignity 

Jughead calls Betty “one of us,” which has not been given enough fanfare by ANYONE in the show! Betty is ONE HUNDRED PERCENT as much a Serpent as Jughead, unless Jughead’s mother is a Serpent, except that she hasn’t had to shout their stupid rules into someone’s face yet

I’m writing a scene where it’s gay.: “YOU HAVEN’T ANSWERED MY SON’S QUESTION.”

the poor Serpents have been twisted around rich northsiders’ fingers for so long that they don’t have any fucking idea what to be doing when NOT at the behest of a blackmailer or bribery. I don’t know what it means to be a Serpent except that it means you’re poor and comely. and VERY civic-minded

“You’re a Judas, Tall Boy. And an idiot.”

Gay.: Sweet Pea raises both his arms to vote

FP’s gonna run Tall Boy out of town. a word of advice: one town over is not far enough

hell, Archie’s seen all those mob movies too! he and Jughead must’ve watched them together while Jughead was sleeping in his bedroom

Archie’s speech to Veronica is GOOD, ARCHIE, and what Veronica gets out just reinforces my thought that Hiram is literally starting a second town under Mayor McCoy’s nose, which would concern me expect that it has been definitely shown that even after things are executed on Riverdale I confuse myself and am invariably exactly wrong

I would probably kiss Archie too if he looked at me like that and said “I’m with you,” which I think explains Betty

HAHAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY!!!!!! SOMETHING IN THE WATER IN FP’S TRAILER

Jughead’s suspenders? a startling plus!

I like the quietness of “Maybe we can ask Veronica on Monday.” it reminded me of Archie’s face-saving some-other-time-definitely promise to go to the library with Jughead

“Maybe we should just investigate quietly until we know more.”

BLESSED BE THE CHILDREN and Jughead’s brusque scoff at himself for saying “my darkness”

in a move that the last few episodes haven’t shown him as having enough sense to make, Jughead puts his hand, not on Betty’s hand, but directly on the skirt of her dress

also Jughead knows that dress zippers have a point where you think it’s gone all the way down but really you’ve got a little further to go otherwise you can’t get the waistline over the hips? Jug’s got a little bit of game going on!

I like the silhouette of Jughead’s Adam’s apple

while Jughead is doing an excellent job delicately checking in with Betty’s sacral chakra, with his bare hand, I don’t want to overlook either his own gently crossed ankles as he holds her or his AMAZING SOCKS

when Betty tells him she needs to tell him something, he EXHALES a “What?” before he says “What is it?” WHOOP

she is missing a pretty sick meatloaf or pork of some more at her mother’s dinner table

I didn’t think there was a physiognomically scarier white guy around than Chic himself, but I was wrong!!!! it’s definitely that guy at the door!!!!!!

oh shit, Archie sort of got somebody (else) killed. this is like when Jughead didn’t mean to but definitely got somebody’s face beaten in by Tall Boy and Serpent Baby—holy shit what happened to that kid!!!! where did Serpent Baby go???

Certified pedigree: OKAY SENDING THE STATUE HEAD TO HIRAM LODGE VIA A CONFIRMATION “PRESENT” TO HIS DAUGHTER IS A PRETTY GREAT MOVE. I ASSUME THIS WAS YOU, FP JONES. FP IS REALLY GOOD AT PUTTING WORDLESS THREATENING MESSAGES INTO BOXES

in the shot bingo of Riverdale, the middle box would have to be Betty coming through her front door and pausing because she hears something suspicious

Mädchen Amick, MÄDCHEN AMICK: the squishy sound effect of the rags on the wet floor? her perfect hair? her bright blue turtleneck? “Elizabeth, did you lock the front door?” Alice is already three steps ahead!!! Alice Alice Alice!!!!!

Alice and FP have now both cleaned up somebody else’s murder’s cranial blood (I’m assuming Chic clocked this guy, which means it was probably Melody), further proof they belong together

Please protect Betty: Betty fucking Jughead probably saved her life

Next week: Cheryl shoots a bow and arrow!!! into my heart!!!!!!!!!

[starryoak]

What do you think is under Edd's hat? What are your head canons about the dodgeball incident?

… You’re starting out with the big, giant, mother lode of essay questions, ain’t ya? Well, I am TOTALLY OK with that. This is gonna be a FUN month for me; really! I’m actively being encouraged to share my thoughts on characters in a deep and meaningful manner!

First of all, let’s get some CANON up in this bitch; According, officially, to one of the storyboard artists of EE n E, during Ed Edd n’ Eddy’s Big Picture Show, there was going to be a scene explaining the Dodgeball Incident; it was cut for time. However, we have facts about it;  

 In Edd’s old school other students mercilessly targeted him in dodgeball. After “too many hits to the head” as he put it, he finally designed a dodgeball-shooting cannon to retaliate. The resulting injuries to all his classmates scarred Edd much more than any abuse he’d received to his own person. This would have been the origin of his pacifism and a hint at why he was so crushed by the events in A Fistful of Ed. It can also be interpreted as a reason that his family moved to Peach Creek and perhaps it could be responsible for some of the coldness he receives from his parents. Edd has always had an irrational fear of authority and even of himself in some situations. This back story was my attempt to rationalize that without changing the core of his character.Before he revealed this secret, he took off his hat willingly in front of his friends as a sign he was finally comfortable with them. When he did, a newspaper clipping spilled out–with a photo of him when he was younger, in handcuffs, giving a public apology to his school. Its played much like the other scene in the movie where it comes off–you never get to see it, but you get to hear about the dodgeball incident instead. The two things are unrelated.

So with that canonical information out of the way, LET’S GET TO EXTRAPOLATING AND MAKING THIS MISERABLE CANON INTO HORRIFYING HEADCANON!

So first, I do believe there is a scar under there; but it’s not nearly as bad as a lot of people say. It’s more likely that he’s ashamed of the reminder of what happened, and therefore, hides it, since people tend to ask ‘hey, what’s that scar from’, and considering that Edd gets paralyzing flashbacks when reminded of the incident, that’s just not a good idea. So probably a scar, and hair. Not a huge scar, just something that can’t be avoided. Ed and Eddy just overreacted because they like teasing Edd about it, since they don’t know the full story.  Ok, under the hat addressed! Done; onto the fun part. And by fun I mean painful.

First of all, we know, if we interpret the incident to be the reason that Edd moved to Peach Creek, that means that Edd would have been YOUNGER than he appeared in ‘Every Which Way But Ed’. To put this in perspective, look at him.

This tiny little baby was handcuffed and forced into public apology for hurting his classmates so bad that he had to move. THIS CINNAMON ROLL. Well, by appearances.

It’s likely, then, we can extrapolate that Edd was most likely ahead a grade or two when this happened, and probably a first grader, even though he probably belonged in preschool or at the most kindergarten. We know Edd is extremely, extremely intelligent, so this isn’t out of the question at all. We can guess it was 1st grade, since that’s when gym started for me, so there’s that.

Therefore, that places Edd in a situation in which he is much younger than everyone around him, much smarter than everyone around him, and if he’s still as Edd as he ever is, an emotional little kid. That’s just a big, giant painted target over his head screaming “MERCILESSLY TORMENT ME” to anyone mean enough to listen.to those kinds of signs. A giant kick me sign on him wherever he goes, really.

A little kid who’s a total teacher’s pet, who’s more intelligent than you, that’s outdoing you, and yeah, don’t underestimate a young child’s ability to be vengeful or a little asshole; they can and will be. So you’ve got this kid, who everyone dislikes for just being him, just because he’s smart, and the only time you can out perform the little guy is in gym, one that apparently allows dodgeball… it’s safe to say that he certainly got his share of dodgeballs to the face, for sure.

It does worry me how he apparently reacted to this torment; I don’t care about how many dodgeballs to the head one gets, and how I said little kids can be vengeful, the drive to pursue vengeance like one would have to have to build a Gatling gun  at his age, to stay focused on this task and finish it, not forgetting what happened, not abandoning it because it was too hard… that’s really not a normal response.

It’s one thing for kids to torment the smart kid, it’s another for a kid to react to this by deciding to build a freaking machine gun to punish them for doing that. That’s not a spur of the moment decision, it’s premeditated, he had to have felt like this was appropriate for the entire time he built the machine. Edd has a lot of anger issues that he’s been repressing, it’s scary. Double D’s dark side scares me.

I always assumed he messed with the school’s baseball pitching machine until it could shoot out dodgeballs rather than baseballs, and that actually brings me to something personal I headcanon based on the consultation of someone with experience, and also something I headcanon about the dodgeballs themselves; the traditional rubber ones were used at Edd’s school, the hard, over-inflated ones, since, regardless of him overreacting, Edd had to have been hurt by the dodgeballs, and the softer ones made of foam couldn’t have done that.

Anyway; I was actually talking to my dad about the Dodgeball Incident, because my dad is a fun dad who listens to me about nerd things, and he offered his own story about dodgeball that really influenced my interpretation of how the event went down. I told him about the Dodgeball Incident, and he brought up something from his childhood which made him not play dodgeball ever again. My dad was in 9th or 10th grade when one kid, who was literally 7 ft tall… which seems like it would make this analogy ruined, but the point is that this can happen with dodgeballs… the kid threw the ball so hard that it didn’t put a dent in the drywall….

It tore RIGHT THROUGH IT.

Yeah.

That was with the force of a human being tossing it. Building a machine to shoot out those things could achieve that speed and more; the kind of force that dodgeballs can achieve is terrifying. So likely, the damage that Edd did with that… put kids in the hospital. I don’t headcanon anyone dying, but with how damn hard dodgeballs are and how hard a Gatling gun would shoot them, it would probably have given kids broken bones and serious concussions, and probably a few drywalls getting punched through from the force, or dodgeballs embedded in the wall. I don’t think any of the kids besides Edd escaped mostly unharmed. If Edd aimed correctly, and considering Edd, he would aim correctly, the dodgeballs would have hit their targets. I do think the machine did get a single ball lodged in it when it stopped firing, that hit Edd and gave him the scar, but I don’t for a second believe it was anywhere near what the other kids went through.

Again, as mentioned, he was apparently arrested for a short period of time after the incident; whatever he did was serious enough that they considered it a priority to restrain a small, 4 year old child, and then force said terrified, tiny, emotionally unstable 4 year old to apologize to everyone in school who wasn’t in traction, That’s an incredibly cruel reaction, but it clearly shows just how bad what went down was. So again, I’m not pulling that far when I assume things went that terribly; he was outright arrested at 4. All the evidence points to something HORRIBLE happening, worse than what you would assume initially, as you analyze each element.

It’s likely he was expelled, if only because he did literally assault his entire class with a deadly weapon; 4 year old or not, the only reason Edd isn’t in juvy is because he was a toddler. The reaction to have all official (Read; not ran by Kevin) gym activities ban Edd from getting involved if they involve ball sports or bodily harm is completely rational, honestly; even if Edd is so traumatized that he abhors violence to the point of tears, he’s proven that when provoked by being hit by a dodgeball, his reaction is to plot revenge that puts his ‘assailants’ in the hospital. Risking that is not worth it.

It’s entirely likely Edd was in the same neighborhood as the children he put in the hospital, meaning that he would have been reminded of his mistake constantly, but more importantly (in this one case, and for different reasons), reminded his parents of what their child did. I doubt that whatever their job is, that anyone would want to hire the parents of a child so violent that he put an entire class in the hospital. They may have even got hate mail; there really was no other choice but to move somewhere where nobody else would know who they were or what happened.

And that obviously places Edd in a position where he knows, since children aren’t stupid, even ones who aren’t as smart as Edd, that he is the reason his parents are in financial trouble, that he’s causing them harm, that it’s his fault they’re moving… The event clearly left him, (as if I even need to say it) with a fear of disappointing his parents in any way; they take advantage of his fear of authority or disappointing them by making him their maid; he obviously feels he owes it to them to do whatever he can to make up for what he did, and that’s not ok.

He’s terrified of being the reason that his parents lives are anything but perfect, since he clearly already ruined their lives once; he didn’t run away in Big Picture Show just to hide from the angry mob of cul-de-sac kids; he did it so his parents wouldn’t have to live with his mistakes for the second time in their lives. Hell, his letters he tried writing sound distressingly like suicide notes; if his parents were in any way caring for their son, and they found those, it would follow that Edd committed suicide, not that he ran away. But I doubt they noticed.

Have I mentioned how much I hate Edd’s parents?

[parentingguide8-blog]

4 Legit Reasons New Parents Are F@cking Annoying

New Post has been published on https://parentinguideto.com/must-see/4-legit-reasons-new-parents-are-fcking-annoying/

4 Legit Reasons New Parents Are F@cking Annoying

I am a father, but I am not so deep into fatherhood that I’ve forgotten what it’s like to hate new parents. I remember having my entire Facebook feed hijacked by indistinguishable, jelly-eyed newborns all wearing the same hospital hat. I remember the 100-percent-sober ponderings between moms and dads over who the baby sneezes like, and their blatant attempts at radicalizing new members during 4:30 p.m. dinners. Every smug, “I didn’t really know what happiness was until I had Boston” or “The things I cared about before seem so inconsequential now that we have Pensacola” is another rip in the seam holding the tenuous relationship together between new parents and their childless friends. I promised myself I’d keep my head up as a new father, that I’d pay close attention and never do any of these things. Then I did all of them anyway.

I’ve lived on both sides of the medical curtain, and I want to least help explain why this phenomenon happens, hopefully salvaging a few friendships. If you don’t have kids, please understand, there are four really good reasons the rest of us are suddenly intolerable.

4

The Hero Of Our Life Story Suddenly Shifts

Everyone is the hero of their own narrative. This may be the fault of movies but it feels more primitive than that. Most people have a vague idea of a story ending they are working toward (finding mutual love, some semblance of career fulfillment, drunkenly beating open the head of an enemy with a bowling pin, etc.). I am generally a deeply selfish person. When I would treat people poorly, or get fired from jobs in my early 20s, I felt fine about every step because I was just completing the wayward Act Two of a coming-of-age story I’d read a hundred times. What I never anticipated and what I don’t think a lot of new parents anticipate is how quickly and completely those goals shift as soon as a child erupts into the world. Something instinctual flips in the brain of a new parent, causing them to willingly demote themselves to ancillary characters who only want to advance the story of this new protagonist.

Pixabay Public Domain Ok, in this scene, your baby will be trying pie for the first time.

Unfortunately for your friendships, that means a lot of what you probably liked about your friends vanishes, at least for a while. They aren’t up for new adventures or building new memories with you because that’s a weird B-plot now that would probably get cut in editing. In those first two years of a child’s life, parents will mentally fast forward through anything that isn’t directly related to their role as a parent. New moms and dads regularly set aside time for themselves every day to just look at pictures of their kid on their phone. They spend most of their downtime while the beast sleeps, sitting in the silent ruins of what used to be their apartment saying, “I just love him so much” or “She’s so great, right? She’s so great.” Not even fiction is so bold as to build a scene where supporting characters do that about the hero.

Part of that is because parents are habituated to the oxytocin their baby’s presence pumps through their brain, but mostly it’s because they are terrified that if they aren’t always thinking of the baby, they will get distracted and fuck up irrevocably.

3

New Parents Are Constantly Afraid Of The World (And Themselves)

This is going to get dark so bear with me. While you may look at a baby and think, “Fine, whatever. Another one that’s just like the millions of others,” you likely don’t even realize that you are tacitly acknowledging that this is “another normal healthy one like all the other normal healthy ones you’ve seen.” New parents are not living by the same baseline. They are still privately calculating the probabilities of this tiny thing’s non-existence. While someone in love may obsess over all the situations in which the other person might leave them, parents know that the only way the baby stops being their baby is through death.

Pixabay Public Domain Don’t ask how I know, but this is exactly how mine will happen.

Having a healthy child makes you feel lucky in a sickening way, a way that seems cosmically undeserved, like at any moment the world will take notice and set itself right again. As a result, we think about death a lot. I walk into a new room and I watch my son die a thousand times based on everything that can poke him, fall on him, electrocute him, or lodge itself in his trachea. Then, despite all of it, I have to turn him loose to explore for himself. I wake up in the middle of the night certain he is in our bed and that he’s suffocating under the sheets somewhere near our feet. These situations play with such clarity in my mind that it’s like I’ve felt it in some non-linear time, like I’m already practiced in losing him. If you can remember the feeling you’d get as a child watching a scary movie and being unable to emotionally divorce yourself from the fiction, it’s the same feeling; the barrier is gone again and you are suddenly vulnerable to your own emotional Killer Klowns From Outer Space.

So if new parents seem like they are never fully present when you’re together or like they’re just not as fun, understand they are regularly weighing death, regardless of how irrational it is. The fear passes, but it takes time for irrational fears to give way to rational because they all look the same at the start.

Now, if you’re thinking, “You’re being over dramatic, I’ve had pets that I love like a child. I can still step outside of that love and live a normal life,” then let me just say …

2

The Love Is All Consuming

Cards on the table, I can’t speak with any authority on the similarity between love for a pet and a child because I’ve never had a cat. I’m always impressed and bewildered by childless friends who tell my wife and me that, in a lot of ways, having a new puppy is harder than having an infant. While they might be right, I want to tell them that the love for a child doesn’t actually feel like love, it feels deeply unhealthy.

Sit down. We’re going to talk about my child’s first steps.

It’s not just that parents love their child more than anything, they love their child more than everything combined. It’s an overpowering, throttling love that has to be tempered just to get through the day. Sure, certain moments help douse the flame, like when a child in your lap spontaneously rears back with their head and pushes your incisors up into your skull. Or when babies throw up in your mouth, or throw up in your eye, or pee in their own mouth while throwing up in their eyes. But during the quiet moments with an infant where you allow yourself to indulge — to bend to the love completely — hugging your baby is like hugging a lost love you would give anything just to see again, and then you got your wish.

There’s just no room for anything else. It’s why strong/healthy relationships can teeter on the verge of collapse in the sudden presence of a newborn; you have to intentionally carve out and set aside love for the other person, or the human larva just absorbs everything.

So if you are a friend to a new parent, the reason they lose their social priorities or context for what’s interesting is because they’ve temporarily lost context for everything. They are so singularly obsessed it’s easier to think of them as addicts. They may go to the movies with you, or dinner, or sit through meetings at work like a normal person, but they are never entirely there because they always know that this is just a detour to that wondrous, beautiful sack of heroine waiting at home.

And like addicts, you can’t just give up on them, because …

1

We’re Trying Not To Lose You

This may seem completely intuitive but new parents don’t want to be this way. They aren’t dragging their baby to your birthday at a bar as an excuse to bail early, they aren’t spinning every conversation toward parenthood because they are narcissists, and they’re not posting 100 photos of the same goddamn trip to the aquarium to be malicious. They do it as a desperate bid to keep you in the loop of their life.

There’s a very good reason it’s so hard to talk to someone you haven’t seen in years and then run into again in a grocery store: you can’t possibly fill them in on everything and it’s all those unshared moments that separate you. We’re scrambling to make sure that never happens. We’re holding the door for you to what’s most important in our lives right now and hoping you’ll follow us in. In the same way someone who starts running regularly, or juice fasting, or reading The Secret won’t shut the fuck up about it, parents are so excited about this new thing and they hope that they can say or do the right thing to make you excited about it too. Granted, those attempts are frequently oblivious and clumsy but we just can’t help ourselves. You need to love our baby, you need to see what this feels like.

When we invite you to our children’s first birthdays or ask if we can bring our babies to your bachelorette party (I do some dancing on the side), we already know these asks are huge inconveniences. We know our presence will make any social situation objectively less fun. The kid aside, we are still secondary characters obsessed with death and dealing with a drug problem.

But we also know this isn’t forever.

We’re trying to do just enough to maintain our relationships through the hard part until our children become more autonomous and their continuing existence helps calibrate our fears. We’re all at least peripherally aware that when we abandon everything in our lives other than parenting, it actually makes us worse parents in the long run. So, I guess what I’m trying to say is, come to my kid’s birthday. Spend some time around him, smell his head. Smell it. He’s great, right? Man, wouldn’t it be crazy if you just decided to have one? Have one.

Soren is a senior writer and editor for Cracked. You can follow him on Twitter here. Also, you don’t really have to go to his kid’s birthday, just say you have a thing.

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/