#it’s the kind of thing that should be gross but i just find it hilarious

[firehose118]

truly obsessed with the fact that lou likes thirst tweets about himself. he’s so 2014 celebrity coded and i really can’t get enough of him

[neptunes-sol-angel]

Can they match your freak? 👀 Think of a person that you're interested in, then pick the picture that you feel drawn to the most to find the corresponding message about how the sexual chemistry would be like between you guys.

Paid Readings | Botanica | Tip Jar

Pile One

The person on your mind comes across as formal, polite, but not interested in being in everyone’s face or being the center of attention. They could be considered a bit odd, maybe the timeline in which their beliefs, speech, and hobbies are not common in their age group. They could be assumed as a nerd because of how serious they take most things, like if you were to joke with them or use sarcasm, they’ll turn what’s not supposed to be literal into something pragmatic which is kind of cute in an innocent way. But they’re not rude or dismissive, because if you stick with them long enough they’ll eventually catch up with your sense of humor, even if the jokes don’t land, the fact that they’re trying makes it hilarious. They’re great at guiding people and teaching someone without looking down on others. They could come from a big family and are actually really nurturing and considerate which leaves them feeling more selective with who they choose to be their friend or romantic partner, and are content with spending a lot of time alone. They’re really “slow moving”, they don’t like to be rushed in anything, and for a good reason. They don’t like to compromise their stability, and love to have a work-life balance, even if they are an overachiever.

When it comes to doing the deed, it feels like intimacy is heightened because it feels as if you’re with a whole different person. Their sexual energy feels electric and eccentric. I feel like they’re a music junkie. They’re a lover of all genres, but pay attention mostly to the artists and bands that don’t get a lot of appreciation. I keep picking up on music theory, which could of course hint more about what they like to learn about, but I see this more as them effortlessly knowing the right note, the right rhythm, and the right scale to successfully lead their partners into an orgasm. They’re absolutely magical with their fingers, but feral with their stamina. They’re competitive when it comes to showing their partner who can go round for round, and they’re determined to make sure they’re at the top. Speaking of top, they love to be dominant in the bedroom. Their sex talks chains and whips! Just kidding, but it’s an art for them to see the many ways in how pain brings their partner pleasure. They’re down for almost anything in sex, as long as it’s consensual. Outdoor sex could be a favorite of theirs. Should you have sex with them? I feel that sex with them will be better than anything if you’ve had with anyone else, which can be addictive. Make sure that the relationship is something solid with this person, if it’s a situationship, it can be problematic, especially around issues with possessiveness, unhealthy attachments, and a lack of boundaries.

Pile Two

Sol cherubs…I’m sorry but I’m going to have to roast this person. I feel like they’re the kind to wine and dine a person. Dinner dates are nice, yes, but this person is very cheap, and likes to do the bare minimum while thinking that the other party should give them something back in return. They talk themselves up a lot, and could even get carried away with dirty talk in the bed because THEY think they’re doing something. Like this person could think that they’re a total freak, but their sex talks vanilla…They do basic positions, they’re repetitive, which is not the problem, the problem is that it’s not doing anything for the other person, and the only thing freaky about them is their gross personality. They’re self-serving, it’s not to say that you can’t experience pleasure with this person in sex, but if you expect for them to care about making sure that you finish too, don’t. They’re cheap with their wallet and in the bedroom. DO NOT have sex with this person, you won’t feel satisfied, and their energy in general is creepy and the epitome of what a loser looks like. If they’re a man, they have a toxic patriarchal mindset, weak in reality, but prowls for individuals who they think that they can control. They’re an energy vampire. Sex is an ego booster for them. It excites them more when they come across a person who’s strong in personality, or harbors a lot of potential to be a star, so that they can seduce them in order to feel better about themselves.

Sex should be an equal thing, where both parties are respected, having fun, and feeling good. You should both feel empowered rather than seeing it as taking power from another person. I’m also getting the feeling that this could be a past person for certain individuals. The message is also for you guys to know that sex isn’t supposed to be a shameful thing either if you’re still in regret about giving it to the wrong individual or even individuals. You’re not less of a person because you had sex so don’t let anyone try to punish you for it, and that includes yourself. Heal the negative beliefs you have about sex within yourself by not seeing yourself as a body count, limiting yourself to people who don’t satisfy you, and to trust in yourself to keep your stance in not doing something if you don’t want to just because someone gave you something and speaking up about what you want and how you want to be treated.

Pile Three

The person on your mind is spontaneous. You could play hard to get with them on the outside, but on the inside they’re very alluring to you, and lowkey they know this. Your chemistry in general with this person is breathtaking, if you aren’t a couple, people wonder why you aren’t one yet because of how close you guys are with each other and how obvious your attraction towards one another is. There’s heavy sexual tension here, partly because of how racy things get when you guys flirt with each other or how compatible you guys are to the point where you feel comfortable just yapping about almost anything, and the other part being the elephant in the room, which is something just feels forbidden about this relationship. Maybe this is a coworker which I understand why it wouldn’t be appropriate. You could consider this person a goofball, someone you always have fun with, or can count on to put a smile on your face, but the friendship between you guys is strong. Y’all get each other emotionally and are generally supportive, I would be shocked if you guys weren’t best friends. I’m not even picking up their individual sexual energy, my intuition just keeps pointing to how it would be if you guys were to ever have an encounter. I just keep getting “yes, yes!, YES!” go for it with this person, because it doesn’t feel at all like something you would regret. Ya’ll complete each other in so many ways that it just feels right. The sexual chemistry would be stable, you wouldn’t get bored of each other because it brings you guys closer rather than apart. This won’t be for everyone, but some people in the pile might have a theme of knowing right then and there that this is the person that they would want to spend the rest of their life with. Be wary though if you aren’t in the position of wanting to have kids or having enough to support a child, because you guys are going to be on each other like rabbits.

[satans-helper]

In Your Fantasy

Pairing: Jake Kiszka x (F) Reader

Word Count: ~5300

Warnings: semi-public sex (like...very low-key), oral sex (F receiving), unprotected PIV sex. 18+ only ~

This took me forever to finish because I started it before my stupid tonsillectomy and I was totally useless throughout most of the recovery. Also, it's been absolutely ages since I wrote a Jake x Reader fic so I'm not sure how I feel about it...I really enjoyed writing this regardless of my trepidation though. I loved the idea of falling in love with him at work and him being so cheeky...hope you enjoy it too <3

P.S. also ages ago, I wrote a Josh x Reader fic that also took place in a library which you can read here. Links on my desktop masterlist aren't active for some reason...but I found it using a certain tag lmao. If you know, you know.

---

You were finishing up fixing the order of some art books in the back of the library when you felt Jake come up behind you. “Wanna hear something kind of crazy?” he whispered in your ear, his chin nearly on your shoulder, his hair brushing against yours. Without even seeing him, the closeness and warmth of his body and the low, husky whisper sent a tingle up your spine–he certainly added a level of intrigue to working in a library. 

“Always,” you said, slipping the last book into the correct spot. It was a quiet Thursday afternoon–you’d thought it’d actually be busier given the rain that kept bucketing down outside, creating an even cozier atmosphere, but maybe people just wanted to stay home with their books instead. That was fine by you. You liked it when it was nearly dead silent throughout the building and Jake was there to occasionally break through, his voice a river through your thoughts and his subtle touches all shockwaves to your heart. 

When you turned around to face him, Jake looked like he was holding back a hilarious joke or something, eyes all eager and a grin tight on his lips like he was bursting at the seams. “So I just went to the bathroom and guess what I heard?” he went on, raising his eyebrows. 

You scrunched up your nose, already worried. This wasn’t what you were expecting when he’d said ‘something crazy.’ What sort of craziness happened in libraries anyway? “There are a lot of things I can think of. Is this a gross story?”

Jake chuckled. “It depends on your definition of ‘gross.’ Okay,” he said, looking around to make sure you two were still alone in the section. Then he looked into your eyes again and lowered his voice even more to tell you, “There were people fucking in there.” 

You scoffed, offended on behalf of the library–the sacred, beautiful space where people went to relax and read, not deal with lewd conduct. That wasn’t crazy, that was just offensive! “What, like two guys?” you questioned, tilting your head, a little irked at Jake finding this all so funny. 

“No, a guy and a girl.”

“Ugh. That’s even worse. Women shouldn’t have to deal with getting laid in a men’s bathroom,” you said, then were momentarily distracting yourself with yet another out of place book on the shelf.  “I’d never do that. I can’t believe someone else is. I mean, kids go here.”

“Yeah, that’s true,” Jake said slowly. He leaned against the bookshelf and looked at you pointedly, his dark eyes even darker in the dim light. “Then again–”

Before he could finish, you had another thought. “Wait, Jake–did you say anything to them?”

“No. What could I say? I just high-tailed it out of there as soon as I heard.”

You sighed. The whole thing would be far more redeemable if your boyfriend had at least tried to throw out some warning words to the perpetrators. “You should have told them to stop. I would have.”

“I’m sure they finished soon after I left.” He smirked. “It sounded like they were pretty close.”

You groaned quietly and turned away, preferring to find another thing to busy yourself with now. “Gross. They should be banned.”

Jake followed along right at your side as you whisked through the rest of the art section and back to the cart you needed to empty. “I didn’t see who they were, so no chance of that.” At the cart, he put his hands on it, keeping it in place. “I actually thought you’d find it sort of amusing, Y/N.”

You leaned over, almost close enough to touch your noses together. “You’re such a guy. Only a guy would think it’s amusing and not disgusting.” 

“I don’t know about that. Maybe you’re just a little stuffy,” Jake replied, tilting his head up as if he were challenging you. “Although maybe I shouldn’t be surprised, considering we’ve never done anything like that.”

You scoffed again and leaned back, surprised and still a little irritated, but also genuinely curious. “Oh, so you want to fuck around in a public place? That’s something I didn’t know about you.”

Jake’s challenging stance turned crestfallen, and he lifted one of your hands to press a kiss to. “Forget I said anything about it. I mean, I suppose you’re right–it is kind of gross.” He kept your hand clasped in his for a few seconds as he said, “But I’d never make love to you in a public bathroom. I’d hope you know me better than that.”

You looked over your shoulder at the sound of a man clearing his throat, settling down into a chair with a newspaper. He wasn’t paying any attention to you or Jake, but you gave the cart a push anyway, cajoling Jake off it so you could navigate to where you needed to go next. 

“It’s really the fact that it’s the bathroom that makes it so gross,” you whispered as Jake kept following you. You couldn’t deny you’d had some secret fantasies about getting it on in the library–after all, it was where you and Jake had met and where you continued to spend the most time together. But none of your fantasies included the restrooms in the hall, or the utility closet or that little corridor tucked away across from the restrooms where the vending machines were. Too grody, too cramped, too obvious.

“At least our bathrooms are clean.” Jake parked himself right next to you once you were in the biography section, and when you stepped away from the cart, he wrapped his arms around your waist and held you in place. “But if I’m being really honest, I have thought about us, well, fooling around here. I think it’s quite surprising we never have.”

“Jake,” you said in an attempt to protest, but his sweet, pretty face and ticklish touch on your waist made you giggle, and his confession that echoed your own secret thoughts lit a little spark. “We work here!” 

“So? All the more reason. It’s always been our special place.” Jake smiled as he got even closer to kiss you; you kissed him back, looping your arms over his shoulders. He was smiling even bigger when you both broke away and he said, “You know, it’s just me closing tonight. You should stay after with me.”

“God, and do what?” you replied, but, despite yourself, you were growing more intrigued. 

“Well, don’t you think the study rooms here are nice and cozy?” Jake questioned, still latching himself to your side as you started to put more books away. “There aren’t any cameras in any of them either. No one would know.”

You looked up at him from your crouched position, sliding a book into place. “Someone would know. Someone would find out somehow.” You were quickly finding even more perfectly good reasons in your mind not to do this, to not even really toy with the idea, but the more you thought about it, the more you thought, why not? Could the risk make it more fun? Even just the new, ill-fitting, sort of scandalous environment? 

Besides, Jake really did look hot today. He looked hot every day, but the second you’d seen him after he’d come into work earlier, he’d lit a fire in your belly that was more intense than usual. His hair had the perfect level of slight messiness and the relaxed black button-down shirt was perhaps one or two buttons shy of being overtly inappropriate for work; the smooth tan skin of his chest exposed and acting as a lovely backdrop to the long silver chain dangling, the pendant hitting his sternum. You could imagine tugging on that chain, grasping the pendant in your palm, to pull him closer while he pressed you against one of those thick wooden tables. You’d run your fingers through his hair and kiss him in the frozen silence, and maybe no one would ever know after all.

“I can practically hear the wheels turning,” Jake remarked, tapping your forehead once you were standing again. “You know you want to.” 

You let out an inadvertent nervous giggle and rolled your eyes. “Yes, I’m thinking about it.”

Jake stepped closer, pressing you back against the cart of books. “I’d love to hear some of those thoughts,” he said, putting his hands on your waist.

“You’re lucky it’s dead here today,” you said, keeping your voice a whisper despite the, indeed, dead library around you. You rested your arms over his shoulders, twisting a strand of his hair between your fingers; Jake just kept looking at you with that sweet, silently begging gaze until you giggled, relenting. “Okay. I was, um…thinking about you pushing me down on one of those big tables.”

Jake’s eyebrows rose. “What else?”

“Well…” you began, looking down at his dark jeans rubbing against your skirt. “You’re giving me some more ideas now.” You lifted one foot off the floor to rub your calf over his, the delicate material of your tights creating subtle but scintillating friction against his denim. 

Jake ran the tip of his nose up your cheek and whispered in your ear, “Same here.” 

Just as you were closing your eyes and allowing yourself to let your environment fall away around you, to forget about all the risk of being caught right there, and just as Jake’s hand was sliding down between your legs, a person’s incredibly soft–thanks to the clever carpeting job–footsteps headed your way yanked you right out of the moment.

Jake, too. He shot back and cleared his throat, ran a hand through his hair and looked in the direction of the footsteps; you did too, and soon enough an older woman with her nose already in an open book trotted past the shelves. 

“See?” you whispered, gesturing at the passer-by who was already out of view. “It’s so easy to get caught.”

“Please, that lady didn’t notice a thing. Alright,” Jake said before he stole one last hurried kiss. “I should let you keep doing your job and I should carry on with mine. But will you stay after with me tonight?”

You pursed your lips as you looked at him, considering, but it wasn’t long before you said, “Alright, Jake. I’ll stay after and we can play out your little fantasy.”

“It’s your fantasy too, baby doll,” Jake said with a wink before he half-turned, beginning to step away. “I think we’ve established that.”

-

There wasn’t a whole lot to keep your mind occupied as the afternoon carried on. The rain kept coming down, hammering hard against the roof and windows, and the sky outside was pure gray, all flat and blank. It reminded you of your first day working here, as a matter of fact–that morning in the previous late October, when autumn’s chill was officially in the air. A fine layer of frost had even been on the ground that morning; your shoes had crunched over it on the short walk to your car and you’d had to use your defroster once you turned the key, your anxiety peaking as you had to wait even longer to start the new job. 

How could such a quiet, peaceful place encite so much anxiety anyway? You remembered wondering that very question as you walked over the sidewalk to the library entrance for the first time since being hired, the concrete slick with that morning frost and the beginnings of a gentle rainfall. And just when you’d been settling in and getting comfortable, Jake had showed up and introduced himself, all casual and easy like he didn’t know he was the most beautiful man you’d ever seen.

Thankfully, Jake was also the sweetest man you’d ever met. It didn’t take long before his beauty and charm stopped intimidating you and instead just made you feel all light and full of joy–you were simply happy to chat with him whenever you both could spare a few minutes. Those few minutes steadily turned into shared breaks; then, shared lunches where you’d sit out back on the one picnic table when the weather permitted. Then he started bringing you special treats sometimes, things he knew you liked because he actually listened about what you liked, and then after that he started bringing you whole lunches packed with love and care that you’d never experienced before. 

So, after all that, was it really such a big deal to make love inside the place in which you fell in love?

None of your other coworkers even seemed to notice that you were staying later than planned this evening. But, just to be safe, you also made a point to hide out in the kid’s section when closing time crept up, busying yourself with cleaning up stray crayons and markers and then browsing through some of the newer picture book additions when you were done with that. 

When you were sliding one picture book back onto the shelf and reaching for another, you noticed the part of the library beyond the kid’s section dim; you stood up and walked out into the main area, and there Jake was behind the checkout counters flipping switches.

“Despite almost always being the one to close,” he said, flipping another switch. “I still sometimes forget which lights actually get turned off and which ones stay on.”

A path of yellow light led the way past the checkout and reception, past the few rows of public use desktop computers. Jake held your hand as you both stepped through the library, your heartbeat speeding up a bit with nervous yet delightful anticipation; a few more steps and you were further into the very back of the library, just about there. Four study rooms were staggered just beyond the teen reading section, two on the left and two on the right with a wall of windows in between. 

Jake opened the door to the last study room on the right. A large window was in there too, soaking in the deep sunset that was resting beyond the grass outside and the trees, and the mostly-bare branches of all the trees were throwing shadows across the library grounds. Then Jake flipped the light on, making it all disappear.

“Oh no,” you said, reaching behind him to flip it off again. “It’s sort of magical with the light off. Look at that sunset.”

Jake followed your gaze out the window to the wash of deep blue painted across the sky, nighttime so early in autumn that only a slight sliver of golden-orange remained just on the horizon. The rain had stopped a few minutes ago and had left a lingering mist on the ground, its faint haze trailing along just outside the windows–the whole scene was so much more peaceful than what was going on inside your head. You couldn’t shake the possibility of getting caught even though Jake was right about there being no cameras back here, and there was no one else around, not even any of the custodial staff, and not a soul out there in the fog. Just you and Jake in the little dark study room, his hand still warm around your own.

Your thoughts started to drift away, making space for your mind to comprehend the shadowed image of Jake before you as he gently turned you to face him. He smiled with the slightest bit of white teeth gleaming between his full lips, and you instinctively smiled back, pulled under his charm again. So, now effortlessly charmed and put at ease, you wrapped him in your arms and pulled him close, caressing his shoulder blade with one hand and the slight curve of his waist with the other as both of your smiles disappeared into a kiss. 

“You were making me crazy all day,” he remarked between the kisses that accelerated with both of your lips parted and the wet meeting of tongues. 

“Really? You kept it well-hidden.” Of course Jake did–you never doubted his affection and passion for you, but he kept everything so private. It was one of the many things you liked about him. You cupped the back of his head, sinking your fingers into his hair, scratching his scalp with your nails just the way he liked it, and kissed him again.

“God, your ass in this skirt,” Jake said, voice a little rough, and he reached down to grab you there. “The way your hips move.” He licked his bottom lip as he took a moment to just look at you, his eyes scanning your face. “So unbelievably pretty.”

You held the side of his face. “You are too, Jakey.” He really was, and even in the dark–perhaps especially in the dark, actually. The shadows enveloped him in even more mystery than normal, but you could still so plainly see the angles of his face and the smoothness of his skin in the faint, distant glow of the lingering sunset. Jake smiled at the sound of that little nickname coming from you, then disappeared as he pressed his lips to yours again and pushed you back against the table just like in your little fantasy. 

You felt the warmth of his hand travel around your hip then slide down over your skirt; you kissed him harder and spread your legs a little wider when his fingers skated effortlessly up your thigh over your tights. Jake purred against your mouth as he traced the seam of those tights, and subsequently the crotch of your panties beneath, with one fingertip, and your own hands hurried down his body with much less grace to squeeze his ass and feel the hardness between his legs as reciprocity. 

Before you could do much more than that, he was pushing your skirt up all the way with one hand and continuing to use the other to tease you. Your breath caught in your throat as you were finding yourself trying to stay silent despite the library being completely empty; Jake carried on with longer, deeper touches over the crotch of your panties and tights. The steady back and forth of his fingers over the two thin layers of fabric sent a delightful tingle of pleasure up your spine but you couldn’t forget his either–you kept that one hand of your own on his crotch too, gently squeezing his erection through his pants.

Jake huffed softly and kissed you again; you clutched his arm with your other hand, squeezing his bicep. Maybe other people didn’t mind getting caught–maybe there really was some sort of thrill to it. Maybe other people actually sometimes wanted others to witness their most intimate moments but you didn’t. You couldn’t imagine doing this with the lights on in the middle of the day, with the soft noises of people beyond the walls and the risk of someone catching a glimpse from opening the door or from outside the windows. You were perfectly happy with having Jake all to yourself in the shadowed little square study room, his skin so perfectly warm, his kiss so perfectly molded to yours.

“Was this part of your fantasy?” Jake questioned as he slowly sank to his knees, keeping your skirt bunched up over your hips with both hands now. But it was obvious what he was doing, so you took their place to keep it out of the way while his hands squeezed your thighs as he pressed his face between your legs.

The scant sharpness of his teeth over your crotch made you gasp. “Maybe,” you answered, thighs quivering against the table behind you.

“Oh, come on,” Jake beckoned, looking up at you with a sweet but slightly mischievous gaze, his eyebrows raised just enough to display teasing curiosity. 

“Seems like you already know,” you replied, stifling a giggle at him struggling to get your tights down from beneath your skirt. 

“I don’t know how you wear these things,” he remarked, which made you actually let out a laugh.

“Just rip them for fuck’s sake,” you instructed, eager now, already wet for him. “They’re not expensive.”

Jake didn’t hesitate. “If you insist,” he said as he grabbed a fistful of black nylon in each hand and ripped the tights right open, then quickly pulled your panties to the side next, giving you no time to think at all anymore. Whatever words your mind may have found merely turned to shaky breaths as you watched Jake’s face disappear between your legs again.

He gave a little hum just as he went straight in, the bridge of his nose rubbing up against your clit while he dove his tongue into your center like he really did want to eat up all the arousal that had been conjured up just for him. Your fingers found his hair again, knuckles curling to tug the long strands while your nails scratched his scalp again and he let out a little pleased sound, almost like a gratified laugh, and dug his own blunt nails into your inner thigh as he kept you spread open. 

One word finally emerged from your lips–Jake’s name, simply spoken in a soft tone as the ministration of his tongue and lips had you squirming and quivering even harder, your heels digging into the carpet below as you slightly struggled to stay upright. The repeated flicks of tongue over your clit disappeared for a brief moment, then slowed to one long drag of his tongue over your center just to start that quick pace again. Sighs and whimpers were dragged out of you with each lick; when Jake slipped two fingers in, the slow but easy stretch made you tremble and clench your fingers into his hair even harder.

“You’re so tight,” he commented when he pulled back just enough for you to look down again and see your own wetness glistening on his lips and chin. You could feel it too, how much tighter you were clenching around his fingers as he gently thrust them and teased, curling them and now rubbing your clit with his thumb.

“You’re so good,” you told him breathlessly, closing your eyes again when the sensations had you arching your back. You hissed and bit your lip when Jake’s mouth found you again, his tongue teasing your clit more while he slid his fingers in deeper.

You had thought it would take more of a conscious effort to relax in this space and just let go, but it was easy, so easy–you just let your body respond to Jake with each tremble and moan and gasp and tug at his hair until your legs were outright shaking. Panting, the peak rising deep inside, you pulled him closer and he obliged, sucking on your clit as his fingers curled and gently tugged deep inside you too as if he was literally trying to pull you right to the edge you were already rapidly careening to.

His name from your lips once more wasn’t a soft little sigh; it was a sharp, long whine that seemed to boom in the little study room. Your ferocity surprised you even more when the overstimulation came on so soon and you yanked his head back with one hand and shoved him away with the other, your hand gripping his shoulder. Panting, eyes still shut, you could feel how much wetter you were with his saliva and the rush of your orgasm, the fluid soaking your panties that were pulled to the side and even the very inside of your thighs. 

Jake pressing a kiss to your thigh made you look down but he was getting up on his feet now; your gaze followed the steady movement of his rise and then you were whisked away into blissful darkness again when he closed in and kissed you–close-lipped because he was so polite. But you parted yours and slid your tongue over his and gripped his waist tight for a moment before hastily getting those buttons on his shirt undone, fingers trailing all the way down to get his pants undone next. 

He tentatively pushed you back onto the table a bit more so your feet were off the floor, legs still spread wide around him and dangling when he pulled his pants and underwear down just enough to reveal that heated hardness. His cock leaked just a bit as he stroked it once, looking at you, and a blip of that old insecurity born from adoration and fascination stroked your brain, because Jake was just so beautiful and his beauty was so much more stark in contrast to the plain white walls behind him. 

“That was intense,” Jake said with a chuckle, leaning in to kiss you. You sighed against his lips as he slid the head of his cock all through your wet center, making a point to rub longer and harder over your clit. As he slid in, taking your breath away entirely, he sighed too and you watched his shoulders drop and his chest flush and he asked, so casually, “Is your fantasy being fulfilled?”

Even with the impact of Jake’s cock filling you so perfectly, you had to laugh. “You're a fantasy, Jake,” you told him, wrapping your arms around his shoulders to bring him closer, to make the head of his cock hit so deep inside you that you gasped again as if you weren’t expecting the feeling. “What about–” You had to pause when Jake gave his first thrust. “What about your fantasy? This was all your idea.”

“It was a shared idea,” he reminded you with the cutest little smile. How could anyone be so sexy and adorable at the same time, especially during the actual act of sex, especially when that sex was taking place inside a public library? But he was, and you kept your eyes on him as he steadily sped up with his hips and his hands explored your body over your clothes, one squeezing your breast through your shirt and the other smoothing down your waist, your hip, traveling around your thigh.

“Oh god,” you chirped when Jake’s fingers made contact with your still-sensitive clit; but he was gentle, clearly deliberately being slow with the little circles he was making. With your arms still a loop around his shoulders, you sank your fingers into the hair at the nape of his neck and held him there for a minute before the soft pink of his chest became too tempting not to touch.

“Fuck yeah, that feels amazing,” Jake said in that deliciously hazy, husky voice after you slipped your hands past his open shirt to toy with his nipples. Bringing more attention to him put your lingering overstimulation in the background–you continued to tease with one hand while the other skated over the other side of his chest, feeling his warm, soft skin, up to his neck. You caressed him there, your fingers lightly touching the tender skin along his throat and then up to his ear, and Jake moaned softly and tilted his head to try and get more contact.

That was fine by you. You lightly scratched behind his ear like he was a cat and he sort of purred like one anyway, making you giggle; Jake giggled too and surged forward, picking up his pace as he whisked you away with another series of kisses that were deep but just sloppy enough for your mutual moans to be voiced. 

But, also to your surprise, Jake began to voice more thoughts between increasingly ragged breaths: “Remember when we first met?” he asked, his fingers over your clit sliding down to get slick again from your own arousal. “That was–fuck, that was such a good day.”

“It was,” you agreed, playing with one of his earrings as your other hand squeezed his pec. “I’m lucky I even got the job here. For a lot of reasons.” You stole another lingering kiss before adding, “You’re the biggest reason.”

Jake smiled. The sunset that had been just barely clinging to life when you’d both began was gone now–the only illumination was coming from a parking lot light that was too far away from the windows to see, but the pale yellow glow was scant enough to see that alluring, mystical beauty that your boyfriend possessed. Just looking at his face was enough to make you come again.

But Jake’s skilled fingers and the heat, weight and stretch of his cock still thrusting into you certainly helped. You buried your face against his neck now that you had access to all of him; a thick sob was muffled as you tightened and spasmed around him, and you heard him let out a quiet “wow” as the second orgasm rolled through you. 

His fingers on your clit, thankfully, moved away. He gripped your thigh again instead; his pace was now messy and fierce, and you had to fight to stay in place not only from the harsh movements and how the table you were sitting on was skidding a bit across the floor, but also from that second round of intense bodily excitement. 

“God,” you huffed, stifling another laugh. Apparently it didn't matter where you were–if you were with Jake, he just gave you the giggles. “You’re really going for it.”

Jake cradled the back of your head, messing with your hair a bit. “And I’m–hmm–almost there.”

You kissed him softly and sweetly, from his collarbone and up his neck to his ear. “Good boy,” you whispered there, giving his ear a nibble. Jake moaned wordlessly in response and gave one last deep, solid thrust that jostled you backwards and made the table creak, then he went slack over you, his whole upper body all loose and so hot that warmth was radiating through his shirt.

When Jake lifted his head, you leaned back and waved the back of your hand over your forehead with a silly “whew” motion; Jake laughed and nodded, then slowly pulled out. He collapsed forward again, resting his head on your chest, and you wrapped your arms around him once more. 

“Well, we’ve done it once. Do we ever need to do it again?” you asked, petting his back.

“Like, um, sex?” Jake asked, mumbling against your chest. “Or sex in the library?”

“In the library, duh,” you said with a chuckle, and kissed him when he lifted himself up and looked at you. 

“Where else should we do it?” Jake replied, his tone and little smile making it obvious he was kidding–finally. You were glad to have played out this little fantasy and do something new and a little risky, but you’d be even more glad to just go back to the way things were. Nothing wrong with a classic. 

“Our bed, definitely,” you said, and Jake smiled and nodded again; you began working on buttoning up his shirt. “Our couch. The floor. Maybe the shower.” 

“Maybe?”

“Last time we tried the shower, you nearly cracked your head open,” you reminded him, lifting a hand to cup his jaw. “And nearly broke your perfect teeth.”

Jake’s smile grew wider. “That would be terrible, wouldn’t it?”

“I’d never forgive that stupid shower.”

Jake patted his hands from your shoulders down the length of your body, stopping at your ankles. “Well, babe, we’re both in one piece now, aren’t we? Time to close up?”

“Definitely. The custodians are probably going to be here any minute.”

“Oh my.” Jake held your hand to bring you off the table. “That would have been quite the show for them.” 

“No more shows,” you said as you both put the finishing touches on getting yourselves decent before Jake opened the door. “I should be the only one looking at you when we fuck.”

---

If you'd like to be tagged in any of my fics, you can let me know here or DM me :)

Tagging: @kissingsun @starbuggie @lightsofthe-living-gvf @sanguinebats @gvfrry @milojames16 @mindastreamofcolours @wetkleenex-gvf @itsafullmoon @heckingfrick @peaceloveunitygvf @musicspeaks @clairesjointshurt @bizzielisteningtogreta

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for having a fart sound app on my phone?

🦄💨🌈 (almost compulsory emoji code)

So this thing happened about a year or so ago.

I went to the bathroom at work only to find one of the stalls blocked by another lady talking on the phone.

Which is kind of a pet peeve and a squick for me.

Like, idk. Having someone listening over someone else's) phone feels uncommon to me. But I'm not going to police people on that kind of level. That would be even worse.

However, it just so happened that while I was sitting on the throne, I let one rip. And I mean, RIP. Almost comically long and thanks to the bowl it was extra loud.

The lady on the phone immediately complained like "eeewww, gross 🤢 rude"

It was entirely unplanned but I thought the result was hilarious. I mean, if it grossed her out to hear ppl doing their business next to her while she's on the phone, then maybe she shouldn't go to the bathroom to talk in the first place?

(also I get a certain amount of shyness with regards to being perceived in the bathroom. I have it, too. It's actually part of my "problem")

This situation isn't my question and tbh if you vote me the AH for this scene, I'm not going to take you serious.

The question comes now:

I've come into a similar situation a few days ago but with no sound coming from my rear end.

And so I thought to myself "well, there's probably an app for that, maybe I should get one"

So here is my question: do you think I would be the AH for using the app for this specific purpose? I have it already but as of writing this ask I haven't been in any situation to use it, though it's not exactly uncommon for people to hide in the bathroom for a chat on the phone.

And I know it's kind of immature. That is also not my question.

So Tumblr, without further ado, please tell me: am I the (justified) AH for having an app ready to remind people what the bathroom at work is actually meant for?

What are these acronyms?

[venusin-aries]

SJM made Gwyn so likable and so damn hard to hate that it has people reaching to astronomical lengths to make her villainous or -insignificant to the rest of the series- and I think that is. Fucking. Hilarious. 

Like she KNEW people were going to hate Gwyn so she decided to make it as difficult as possible and I think that is Iconic Behavior. 

I am going to laugh when Gwyn is revealed to be everything she’s projected herself to be. Which is, so far,

Kind and sweet. 

Feisty. 

Brave. 

Smart as all fucking hell. 

Charmingly irreverent. 

As beautiful as Mor and Merrill. 

A talented singer. 

Strategic and observant. 

Loyal. She’s such a good fucking friend, we should ALL be more like Gwyn. 

Resilient. 

Adaptable. 

I could go on and on.  

When Gwyn is revealed to be a good person, no matter if she’s a lightsinger or some other miscellaneous creature, and she doesn’t have to ~lure~ anyone or force someone to do something against their will (which is a really weird thing to accuse an SA victim of, call me sensitive or whatever, I don’t care she’s not real, I find it weird and gross and oddly telling of the people who came up with that theory) and her friends still adore her, I am going to laugh. my. fucking. ass off. 

Full offense, I think just having a glimpse into Gwyn’s recovery, her being willing to sacrifice herself to protect the kids, BECAUSE SHE VERY MUCH WAS READY TO DIE FOR THEM, what was going through her mind when she refused to tell the general where they went, how she feels about losing her sister in such a brutal way BECAUSE she refused to tell him, the attack that followed, her nightmares, the guilt she carries, and the aftermath of the blood rite from her point of view would be so much more interesting than anything Elriel as a whole has got going on right now. I would read an entire book about just HER.

I find her so admirable and I find it so odd people dislike her because there’s a chance her and Azriel will end up together. 

I genuinely laugh when I see how odd some takes are and how angry people get about her.

Go listen to some synth music. Go on what I call a Final Girl walk and breathe some fresh air. You’ll be okay if or when your ship does not end up together. 

[veliseraptor]

rereading the villainous friends extra and

Xue Yang was about to split his sides laughing. "You should've gotten a mirror and looked at your face. That smile was nasty. It was so fucking fake I could have thrown up."

Jin Guangyao snorted. "What do you know, you little delinquent? One has to smile, no matter how fake, no matter how disgusting it is."

Xue Yang lazily replied, "You were asking for it. If anyone dared say I was raised by a whore, first I'd find his mom, fuck her a couple hundred ties, then drag her out and throw her into a whorehouse for others to fuck as well. Then we'd see which one of us was really raised by a whore. Simple."

Jin Guangyao laughed as well. "I certainly don't have such refined hobbies."

"You don't, but I do. I don't mind taking care of it for you. Just let me know, and I can go fuck them for you, hahahaha..."

Jin Guangyao said, "No thanks. Save your energy, Xue-gongzi."

head buzzing full of thoughts mostly:

I will never not love the fact that Jin Guangyao calls him "Xue-gongzi." do you think anyone else does that because I don't and I think Xue Yang finds it hilarious and also kind of adorable (and I think Jin Guangyao is both sincere and also knows Xue Yang finds it funny)

I feel like sometimes I see fellow Jin Guangyao apologists talking about Jin Guangyao like...just tolerating Xue Yang or dealing with him because his father told him to, and the thing I love about their dynamic so much is actually that it seems like Jin Guangyao is genuinely, ruefully fond of him

like here, Jin Guangyao has just had a very nasty experience that we know later on is what finally pushes him over the edge w/r/t Jin Guangshan, and Xue Yang makes Jin Guangyao laugh. by being crass and absolutely kind of gross, but Jin Guangyao's understated verbal reaction ("I certainly don't have such refined hobbies" "save your energy, Xue-gongzi") read to me as teasing.

also between this and Xue Yang's cutting out He Su's tongue after he insults Jin Guangyao too far earlier: Xue Yang's love language is horrific violence. other people will say "do you want me to kill them for you" but Xue Yang will actually do it and be very proud of himself about it.

anyway. just some feelings about them again and I feel like I'm failing to verbalize them appropriately. maybe I should go try to write that "jgy teaching xy to read" fic now

[thygoddessouijathicc]

Bishop Edibility Tierlist; A very deeply serious essay about which bishop would taste the best if you had to eat one of them for any reason

Aight, 88% of you voted in favour of this being released, so this is on you. This blood is on YOUR hands. Just remember that as you read this.

So you all remember that essay I did about how the bishops all had some kinda trauma or different reactions to purgatory and shit and how that was such a serious thing analyzing dialogue and reactions and stuff-?

Well there are TWO wolves inside of me, and one of them writes serious researched essays, it’s time you meet the other.

To preface this, this essay is entirely a joke please don’t take any word of this seriously.

To start with, technically anything is edible if you try hard enough, sometimes only once but I digress, however some things are more appetizing than others.

For this essay we will be taking evidence from canon in some cases on things you can eat, but assuming that this only means these things are more appetizing in this world, not that anything you can’t feast upon very specifically in the game is somehow inedible. Meat is meat.

Also Narinder will be referred to as a bishop because he was one.

Ok let’s start our list.

At the absolute bottom of the edibility tierlist is Narinder. Narinder is a cat. While technically cats are indeed edible by the laws of meat is meat, cats hold a special place in the hearts of many including myself.

But to be honest the real reason that Narinder holds this spot is meat quantity and quality of him specifically. Narinder, holds very little meat. Sure he has a head, but his arms are skeletal and it’s safe to assume possibly a lot of the rest of his body tis also but frail bone. Possibly what is not could also be rotten if he’s that kind of god of death that qualifies as a corpse. And while meat is meat, Narinder not only has very little, but what he does have may be poor quality. This cements him in the shameful bottom spot.

He’s also a-

Moving on, next, quite regrettably, is Leshy. Leshy is a major jump in quality from Narinder.

We don’t know much about bushworms or their anatomy but what we do know, is Leshy is dummy thicc, this means he has a large quantity of meat.

Unfortunately Leshy is also a worm which isn’t exactly the most appetizing creature to put in your gaping maw so that docks him a few points.

However the true reason he cannot be higher is that depending on your read of his anatomy, Leshy could qualify as a salad, and EWWWWW VEGITALS!!! 🤢🤮🤮

Moving on to the “would eat again category” we start with Heket.

Now it should not be news to anyone that frogs are edible, especially to French people. But I don’t believe in French people, they aren’t real. Anyway as I’m saying, you can eat frogs to your hearts content!

There are sanitation issues with Anura apparently being super gross which docks some points but overall, Heket is a solid option.

Now we’ve reached “ok hear me out” territory with Shamura.

Spiders are a major food source in cult of the lamb. Which is a bit questionable for a few reasons, including that there are multiple spider characters and Webber exists but also small spiders on the ground which seem to be a separate species which raises a lot of questions possibly best gone unanswered.

What really matters is what you can do with the small spiders you find around, you can chase them down and when you catch them, they drop meat. My friends have told me that this means I’m just taking meat they are holding, after all you can get berries if the spider has taken them.

What I say to this is: but the idea of lamb running around at night and picking up whole large spiders off the ground and feeding them to their followers is fucking hilarious, and also they always drop the same meat and never berries unless they have picked them up. You’d think if I’m just taking what they have and they will eat berries as well as meat, that I’d get berries more often. Nay, only when picked up from my farms.

This leads to the only possible conclusion being that people in the cult of the lamb universe feed often on spiders, that’s right, Helob eating followers is VENGEANCE.

So, we have established spiders are very edible in cult of the lamb, and you know what Shamura is? A giant fucking spider. They are edible, I rest my case.

Now let’s move on to first place oh boy who is it, probably who you should have expected, Kallamar.

His name sounds like Calamari to start with and not only can you eat squids in real life, you can in the game (similar weird separate species thing with spiders only in this case it’s more definitive that you can very much eat the squids themselves.)

Kallamar would also likely cry if you proclaimed your desire to consume him, misery not only makes meat better but his tears could be seasoning!

Not even to mention the fact that after beating him, it would be a moment of victoriousness and pure vindictive nature, to proceed to eat Kallamar, and vindictive nature is something I most definitely do not lack as I cuss out bishops every time I see the statues after I beat them.

Squids also don’t have many bones so unlike the others who you’d have to spend an extensive time processing before eating, Kallamar would be easy and his bones make up very little of his composition.

In conclusion, why did you read this whole essay it’s not even that funny.

And those of you who voted to have this released. Are you happy?

Are you not entertained!?

[gale-gentlepenguin]

What is your opinion on the comments from the writers about the season 5 finale and the finale itself?

So I should say that the only comments I’ve seen (from the translation ) and this ( post )

My opinion on the writers and their commentary regarding the finale.

I do understand why they did the things they did.

Limited resources and wanting to utilize what they had.

I totally agree with their use of Piano Lucky Charm.

I think the fight the physical fight with Monarch and Bug Noire is phenomenal.

I can tell a Lot of effort went into planning this season out.

And as a Writer I can respect the references, nods, foreshadowing and jokes that were put in.

Fang using Kung fu is a hilarious image and it’s my favorite shot outside of monarch having a piano dropped on him.

People can say they like the ending, and if they do, awesome. I’m glad that you can enjoy this ending that I don’t.

So let’s have that put at the forefront

That is everything positive I have to say regarding the commentary and I will be going into detail on my ‘Problems’ below. And yes I will be getting angry.

(You have been warned)

I absolutely LOATHE their explanation on how they justify their ending.

Everything about it makes them sound pretentious and arrogant. They sound like they think they are being so clever with an ending when the ending is actually a fucking punch to the face of ANYONE that cared about having a resolution to this arc.

If the writers were so keen on having us CARE for Gabriel’s little arc. Why not take that Kwami’s choice special and replace it with a two episode arc of Gabriel, Emilie and co getting the miraculous? They can’t say budget because they could use flashbacks or the re-enactment from Representation.

And my goodness, the mental gymnastics it takes to say “Gabriel put down his other rings which means he lost” NO IT DOESNT. He is making his wish, he won. Why the heck would he need them after?!

“His wish is vague, so we don’t know what he wished for.” I DONT CARE IF HE WISHED FOR FREE ICE CREAM FOR EVERYONE ON EARTH! HE WON BY EVERY METRIC! It’s unsatisfying, it’s gross, and it feels all kinds of wrong to the point that my soul as a writer feels personally insulted.

The arrogant pretentious Pricks don’t even realize they left Ladybug in the losing position once again! She’s going to have to suffer the consequences of the wish. Not the person who died VINDICATED.

In the words of Brooke from one piece

“Death is never an apology.”

But she got the miraculous back? Yea, AFTER the villain got what he wanted. Adrien never finds out about any of this, Marinette is left gaslighting and hiding things from him, just like usual but now MORE people are keeping things from him.

All of this writing just end up with a cool final battle scene and then take a metaphorical dump all over it because their peak in character development is outfit changes.

The ending isn’t unsatisfying because it’s meant to be. It’s unsatisfying because it made 5 seasons of watching ML pointless.

And I didn’t think I could hate the finale more than I do. BUT THE COMMENTARY somehow made it Worse!? I don’t know how the f*** they did it.

But knowing their intent and knowing this ending was always intended makes VOLTRON’s ending SEEM serviceable. And yes I know how bad that sounds and I FUCKING MEAN IT.

[transpersian]

I got to say, it has been pretty funny to watch NightWyld and Annie try to copy your style and fail miserably. They view your documents as paragraphs of incoherent ranting followed by screenshots that don’t support the conclusion of those paragraphs. Then they stamp their feet when they do the same and don’t get the results you did.

Thanks! It’s almost like I have an education and do this professionally. 😘

The idea that Night refers to his document as “scholarly” is… amazing. There’s a reason that I’ve insisted on our docs being primarily evidentiary, and why my people have trusted me to lead the writing efforts.

It’s also why I’ve never been offended at any of them calling our docs “garbage” and theirs “excellent;” the claim is so objectively wrong that it’s nothing more than funny.

And if I seem a little more caustic than usual, um… yeah. I’m done being nice about these fucking clowns. They’re pathetic and insane, and spreading genuinely harmful rhetoric.

It’s so sad to have seen Annie go from trying to be a better person to fully embracing Poppy’s approach and going “fuck it, I’m going to troll people with my shit. People find pedophilia gross, HAHAHAHA HILARIOUS”

And Night… god. Kid needs help. Seriously. They feel supported by Poppy, but they’re just being enabled and it’s making them worse. They used to be so kind and compassionate; you can see the shift in how they used to write their posts versus now.

That’s something that Poppy doesn’t understand and why she thinks that people turned on her for stupid reasons; good friends let you know when you’re going down a destructive path. There are people I haven’t let help me because it wouldn’t have been good for them; the fact that Poppy is leaning on someone so vulnerable (never mind half her age) is one of the most repugnant parts of this whole situation, imo.

They can call it “infantalization” all they want; the way that she does things is not the virtue she thinks it is. If you ask me, it’s lazy, exploitative, and selfish. As a mental health “professional,” she should know better.

They call us abuse apologists when their lack of self-awareness has led to them spreading rhetoric that genuinely normalizes abuse and victim-blaming masked as therapy-speak. They don’t see it that way, which is why it’s so harmful.

It’s why they call the Poppyamory 1 doc ridiculous: they don’t even recognize that Hayleigh was done with the relationship and that what Zena was doing was invalidating every valid concern and fear that Hayleigh had. Liana points out that “NoEh KnEw” how risky the visit would be, but conveniently leaves out how Zena talked her into going anyway.

It’s emblematic of every defense they have: everything they do is okay because it’s them doing it. When Twisty drops her DMs with me, you might see it there, too: her argument on how to end this wasn’t agreeing to a ceasefire; it was that we should just let them say whatever they want about us and not respond.

It’s so fucking stupid.

But yes, this is all my fault. 🙄

Fuck these idiots.

[jakey-beefed-it]

A 40k army I would love to see someone else make, as I am not actually interested enough to do it myself I just think it would be neat-

Skaven Mechanicus.

Skaven Genestealers are the obvious choice for bringing Skaven into 40k (assuming they're Imperium-adjacent and not just xenos) given the similarities of literally and metaphorically undermining the oppressive feudal empire in service to their own ends rather than to make things better. But the rats are so fun and mad-sciencey in WFB and AoS, the thought of them scrambling about with mechadendrites and rad-guns is more appealing to me, personally. I mean, mechanicus people's remaining flesh is always gross and dying due to how much radiation they're exposed to, the typical skaven plague boils would fit right in.

Skitarii are easy enough (hell the name is already halfway to skitter through linguistic serendipity). Literally just come up with some kind of elongated snout hooded masked head, 3d print a billion of them, and glue them right to the existing bodies. They don't even necessarily need ears, though that would be hella cute.

Sicarii would be even better though, imo. Digitigrade mechanical legs and all that. You'd just have to find a way to get enough robes for the whole squad and not just the leaders, because robes are such a big part of the skaven look. Just throw in some stormvermin bits, swords and whatnot, to really sell the look.

Similar thing with techpriests tbh; they're already hunched over rat-style. Just get yourself some guitar string and make cable-tails coming out the back of their robes. Maybe add a bit of patchy fur to like, the exposed wrist of the tech-priest dominus. Give him claws if you're confident with the tiny sculpting.

How big is the doom wheel? Like serberys-sized or more sidonian sized? Too small to be a counts-as onager or skorpius, though, right? Just throw more mechanicum bits and symbols on the existing skaven model and run that. It' be hilarious.

Wait, I'm dumb, the doom flayers are the perfect size to be serberys dragoons and the other one, leave the doom wheel for sidonians or bigger.

Kataphron look like they should be easy to give the same treatment as the skitarii et al with just a little head-swap but I dunno, that seems uninspired to me. Maybe make them more like clan-rat powered mini-tanks? Couple of little hatches with horrid rat faces peeping out? Or maybe just keep the servitor as human, lol. "The only good use-function for man-things!"

Anyway yeah I don't have the time, energy, or give-a-shit to actually do any of this, but I'd love to see someone else who's more excited about Mechanicus and/or Skaven do it.

[austin-chr-2-0]

Can we all just, as a group, collectively stop pretending that the Chucky series is actually a good show?

I promise it isn’t. It’s nothing short than a literal fetish bait that you see on TikTok. I’ll admit, Don’s show was enjoyable in S1. This is no hate or coming after anyone, I’m simply stating what I see.

Not only is the plot more confusing than my gender identity, there’s clear racism in the show. Am I the only one who finds it so hilarious that Don nearly killed off almost every POC character? And only kept the one that was apart of the “main couple” thing Don is doing that’s equivalent to the foolishness they did in Highschool Musical? One of my good friends did a whole blog on it, their name is Mys and I’ll link it.

And not to mention how Don literally admitted to Jake being a self insert. Let me repeat that for those in the back — HE ADMITTED JAKE IS A SELF INSERT. Meaning that the only reason Devon is alive because he’s an extension of DON’S SELF INSERT. Don literally said that his experiences with Jake are “similar” like sir, just admit it already. And don’t get me started on the poor writing here.

Dambala and Christianity? This isn’t paganism bro, and Dambala is technically voodoo and hoodoo, and those different religions have Catholic and Christian roots and similar tools. Also, I don’t mean to point out the elephant in the room but Chucky and Tiffany are white. Hoodoo and Voodoo and the practice of Dambala is a closed practice specifically for who?? African people. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. How come nobody fucking points out how Alyvina, Lexy’s actor, gets sexualized left and right?

And so does Devon’s actor. And I would like everyone to realize that Devon and Lexy’s actors, BJ and Alyvina are technically MINORS. Zachary is an ADULT. So imagine how it must look being a minor making out with a full ass grown adult. That is CRAZY.

And I know what everyone is going to say; “Well there’s consenting so it doesn’t matter” and “Well the show had better representation, I’d like to see you do better” and worst of all “What did you expect the show to be 💀 It’s TV-14, meaning that it’s gonna be swearing, sex talk, gore” and I know what the Don apologists are probably thinking; that I’m just randomly coming after a show but it’s far from it, if you took the time to read this editorial.

And let me break it down before everyone gets to typing and removing. I’m not saying it should be all cupcakes and rainbows. I’m saying these characters should have more characterization. Devon’s confession being deleted was the worst “fuck you” decision ever. We could’ve had a chance for Devon to get characterized and show some vulnerability.

But no. Of course not.

And instead of taking a season to focus on Devon, we have a random YT character — Grant. Again, nothing for Devon. As an African American gay individual, I resided with Devon a lot and I was so confused on how he rarely has characterization. We don’t even get to see him have a grieving process!

I believe, no, I KNOW Don is using something that was introduced in Scandal, a tv show — this method is called dog whistle media/politics. It’s basically racism, sexism, homophobia, all that good stuff in a language so coded that it only affects the person they’re targeting. Like a dog whistle.

So when Don kills off POC characters, sexualizes children, doesn’t let Devon be emotional or vulnerable, IMMEDIATELY jumped into sex in S3, trust that POC and lgbtq people and creepy mfs on Reddit know EXACTLY what Don is doing. It’s a fine line between made for mature audiences and made for creepy audiences. Like the Wren situation on TikTok.

The only reason you all defend this show is because it stimulates you, in a weird, arousal kind of stimulation way or the simple fact it’s all the representation you all really have, and you shouldn’t settle for less.

For people who get stimulated by this show; It’s gross. You’re gross. Receive therapy.

In conclusion, the Chucky series by Don Mancini is not a good show. It is a cash cow, and a lengthened fetish post on TikTok. Do what you want, but I will tell you, if you enjoy that show, it’s not just because of the representation. Thank you for coming to my TedTalk.

[archivalofsins]

It is so funny to think about Kazui being a cop.

Even if I personally don't want it to be that because it's funnier to me if he failed to become one. Yet, when I take into consideration Kazui being a cop alongside the cops Yamanaka has written previously,

It's like yeah it would be simple if it was that it wouldn't even be surprising honestly like maybe I'm overcomplicating it.

Yet there's something objectively hilarious about Yamanaka writing not one, not two, but three cops that are criminals or viewed as such. Not even touching on how at that point he really would have just fused these two guys that he made before together just to make Kazui.

I find the idea of him doing that hilarious just from a writing perspective. He really went hmmm soooo nobody really liked Stork... Let me see what would happen if I just mix in a bit of Shota- and then this much Stork there. A little bit of something new right there-

Perfect!

It's peer-reviewed police corruption.

I also like saying that whether Kazui is a cop or not is rather inconclusive because cops are just criminals with badges anyway where I'm from. Even the inkling of being a cop should have ruined this man's reputation harder than Mu's father being a landlord fucked up hers.

Yet people wanted to focus on it being wrong for men to get divorced for some reason that shit was wild. Nobody hit this man with oh my god he's a fucking cop gross, once.

In hindsight it's impressive I didn't see that argument more. He's in here for murder and implied to be a cop but no one raked him over the coals for that shit. There's a timeline where Kazui was called out for being a cop and he got guilty just because that's an indefensible action especially when he's in jail for allegedly killing his wife.

Something that cops are notoriously known for fucking doing where I come from at least.

He even openly states no one outside of here would consider him a murderer in his first interrogation.

"I do. At the very least, I believe I'm a murderer. And I regret it. Not that there's any use to that remorse." Use to you remorse...? "Putting that aside, what even is your source of information? I don't think there are any people other than myself who would consider me a murderer."

"For example, why would someone gather a bunch of acquitted murderers together and try to make them repent? That's something a crazy person would do."

"Lick that sin and oppose punishment, until you can meet the king of the masquerade."

This is at least to me a very funny contrast to Shota if one knows his story. Like the fact that no one would consider Kazui a murderer only he would is just such a stark contrast to the cop Yamanaka wrote right before him that it can only be funny.

It's also just funny to think about the concept of Kazui being a cop in relation to the song Business Man especially these lyrics,

"What do you mean you don't know me I was the best man at your wedding?!" "I'm a bad cop and if you couldn't tell I also killed your wife in that drug cartel."

It's just funny to think about Kazui being a cop because it doesn't make anything he did better at all. In fact when one really thinks of the implications it makes what he did phenomenally worse. In hindsight though his second trial was difficult- Probably a lot more due to this factor than I know- It kind of failed to really touch on things that would have made it even harder for the man to keep treading water at least from what I saw personally.

Didn't get one acab after making Yuno's trial about abortion rights that shit is sad. Not a one...it was just relationship drama for the most part.

[stratossphere]

cheater cheater | j.k

*disclaimer: i in no way support cheating, and do not see johnny as a cheater! this is just a hypothetical scenario :)*

you and johnny have been broken up for months now, and he’s started to ‘move on’, but you’re not done yet.

warnings: mentions of smoking and drinking, very slight angst, cheating, smut, extremely irresponsible sex, unprotected sex, slapping, choking, Knoxville’s Dirty Mouth

word count: 6.9k

— —

You and Knoxville had been…in a funk. You had been broken up for months now, and up until this point, you’d been almost 100% sure that there was no chance of reconciliation. But tonight, something felt different.

You’d been trying your best to avoid him, because you knew that if you let yourself slip up even a little bit you were going to do something you would really regret, but you couldn’t avoid him forever. Especially with your friends’ love for partying.

You had all finished filming for the day, and had all been invited out to a set producer’s house to party for the night seeing as no one really wanted to deal with the laws and charges that came with partying in public places. So, once again, against your will, you found yourself looking for him as soon as you walked into the house.

As a result of the privacy freedom and all of the booze and drugs flowing throughout the house, everyone was acting like a fucking idiot in someone’s half-dark living room with shitty music blasting so loudly that the walls felt as if they were vibrating. And Bam, who you had somehow ended up next to, had decided that it would be hilarious to start pestering you with questions and ‘concerns’ about Johnny.

“You’re lying.” He was singing in your ear after you had been very adamant that you and Johnny weren’t still fucking. You shoved his face away in irritation, only for him to gleefully continue to talk despite your palm shoved against his cheek. “Who cares, dude? Just fuck him and get it over with so you stop being such a pissy bitch.”

“Will you put a fucking cock in it? Why do you want me to fuck Knoxville so bad?” You complained, taking a long drink of your beer after you spoke in an attempt to relax yourself a little bit. You were pretty drunk already, but he was still finding a way to stress you out regardless. You did, in fact, kind of want to fuck Knoxville, but he didn’t need to know that.

“Because you two are so annoying when you’re not fucking. He’s literally just sitting in the bathroom drinking by himself like a goddamn loser right now.” Bam groaned, motioning vaguely towards where you knew there was a bathroom around the corner. You raised your eyebrows in surprise. To be fair, there were a lot of people crammed into a house that wasn’t built for it, and not everyone could be expected to shove themselves into the living room like you and Bam had done, but the bathroom? Alone? Seriously?

“Why? Is he okay?” As soon as the words were out of your mouth, you winced at how ‘I wanna fuck Johnny Knoxville’ they sounded. Bam clearly didn’t miss it either, because he smirked.

“I don’t know. You should probably go find out.” He nudged your shoulder, and you took another long drink whilst staring him down.

“If we fuck, you can’t judge me. Like, at all.” You said with finality, raising your eyebrows at him because you knew it was going to be a monumental task for him. Bam, for some reason, was the nosiest person on the planet, but then had the nerve to judge you and act grossed out about anything involving sex if you actually told him. He made a face at your proposal.

“Fine. But don’t do anything super disgusting.” He caved, suddenly reaching back and pulling out a long strip of condoms. When you deadpanned, he pressed the entire thing into your hand before you could get a word in edgewise. “Would you like to add pregnancy to the mix, you fucking idiot?”

“Okay! Jesus!” You accepted the condoms with an extremely dirty look, shoving him slightly as you got up off the floor that the both of you had been sitting on in the corner of the room and dropped your coat down towards him so that he could hold onto it. You had never actually been on a mission where the only clear objective was to get in Johnny Knoxville’s pants (usually it wasn’t really a mission, more of a ‘look at him and he’s already taking his pants off’ type of thing), but with a row of condoms in one hand and a beer bottle in the other, that’s exactly what you set out to do.

When you rounded the corner, you were met with a shut (and locked, as luck would have it) bathroom door. You paused for a second, because there was a chance that Johnny had just moved on to a different part of the house and you were about to fuck with some poor person who was just trying to take a piss, but then decided that who gave a fuck. Everyone was too drunk to be offended, anyway.

When you banged harshly on the door and then kicked it with your foot for good measure, you heard a deep sigh from the other end that sounded suspiciously like your ex-boyfriend. You caught yourself smiling for a second at the sound, and quickly reached into your back pocket to fish out a cigarette to stop yourself from doing it again.

“What?” Oh yeah. He was pissed. You sighed softly as you lit the cigarette now perched between your lips, resting your head against the door momentarily as you puffed small clouds of smoke out through your nose as mentally prepared yourself for what was on the other side of the door.

“Let me in! I gotta pee!” You lied, banging on the door a couple more times just to urge him on. There was a pause, which was clearly him grappling with the fact that it was you on the other side of the door, before you heard footsteps and then PJ Clapp himself was standing in front of you with his hand on the doorknob as he pulled the door open. You grinned, pushing past him and then pulling the door shut behind the both of you before he could get a chance to escape. “Hey! Whatcha doing in here?”

“What are you—” He made a face when you didn’t let him past you and out the now-closed door, looking between you and the door momentarily before sighing. “What do you usually do in bathrooms, Y/n?”

“Coke? Drink, apparently.” You said wryly, motioning to the large collection of beer cans that were on the floor by his feet. You knew he probably hadn’t done coke, but that’s what most of the Jackass crew were up to if they were in the bathroom for more than five minutes at a time.

“I thought you had to pee.” He sounded suspicious, and you could see that he was glancing towards the door like he was getting ready to leave. You shrugged, taking your cigarette out of your mouth and offering it over to him.

“I will have to pee. At some point.” You couldn’t keep the hint of a laugh out of your voice as you spoke. You were drunk, okay? You could tell that he could tell, and judging by the number of cans on the floor. He couldn’t have been much better. He seemed to be in a sulky drunk kind of mood tonight. “In the meantime, whatcha up to?”

“Trying to get out of here. You’re blocking the door.” He said uninterestedly as he puffed on your cigarette, motioning to the fact that your back was pressed up against his only escape. You pretended to pout, not moving from where you were standing despite his clear attempt to end your conversation and then taking your cigarette when he handed it back.

“Come on. Just hang out with me for a little bit.” You whined, reaching out and taking his hand in an attempt to entice him into giving you the time of day. He looked down, sighed, and then made a face when he looked at your hand.

“What the hell do you have these for?” He removed his hand from yours so that he could peel your fingers open, revealing the bunched up strip of condoms that you had fisted in your hand. You waved them in front of him enticingly, a smirk on your face.

“Propositions. Just in case I need them.” You said vaguely, winking at him like he was in on your joke. He just stared at you, letting go of your wrist and then taking a step back from you. Collecting them back up so that they were stacked in your palm, you took a sip of your beer. “Bam ‘gifted’ them to me. You can use them on that bitchass blonde chick, if you want.”

God, you sounded drunk and jealous. ‘That bitchass blonde chick’ you were referring to was a girl that had been half-tagging-along to a lot of parties as of late, and had seemed almost attached to Johnny’s hip every time you’d seen her in the past few weeks. Johnny sucked on his teeth.

“My girlfriend?” He corrected, narrowing his eyes at you as he spoke in a tone that basically spat in your face. Your jaw dropped slightly despite your best attempts to control your reaction, and the cigarette you had been holding between your lips fell right down onto the ground. It would’ve been almost comical had it not felt like he had just punched you right in the chest. What. The. Fuck.

“What?” You couldn’t even form a coherent thought to respond to his news. A fucking girlfriend. After all of the long stares and the extra touching that had made you think you still had him even when you weren’t sure you could want him. Once again, what the fuck.

“Stop.” He clearly read your reaction clear as day, because he spoke before you could even give him an idea of what you were thinking. “Don’t get like that.”

“I didn’t say anything. I’m just…surprised.” Suddenly you were desperately wishing that you were anywhere but trapped in that bathroom with him. You hated the fact that you felt so crushed by his news when you’d been so sure that you didn’t even want to be with him anymore. You toed the cigarette that you’d dropped out on the tile floor to cover the fact that you’d dropped it by accident, not moving your eyes back up once they landed on your feet.

“Why did you come in here?” His words just crushed you more. You were starting to silently wish that you’d accepted the molly that Ehren had offered you when you’d showed up for the night.

Maybe you did hate him.

“I just wanted to check on you.” You hated the way your voice had gone quiet, and you just added fuel to the fire when you tossed the condoms towards him and turned to open the bathroom door. “You’re clearly fine, so…”

“Y/n.” Suddenly a hand slammed onto the door above your head, stopping you from being able to open it and essentially blocking you in just as you had been him no less than a couple minutes before. You clenched your jaw.

“What.” Deep breaths. As soon as he let you out, you were going straight for Ehren. You didn’t want to remember this interaction by the time that morning came. Especially because you knew that Johnny was reading you like a fucking book; scrutinizing page by page with every second that went by.

“You can stay in here for a while.” He was fucking serious. And motioning to a pack of beer that he had apparently stolen and hid on the floor by the trash can. “This party kind of fucking blows, anyway.”

Suddenly, something in your mind clicked. He was clearly unbothered by the fact that he was in a very small bathroom with his ex while he was (apparently) dating someone else, and he was inviting you to stay. He didn’t give a fuck about that girl. And if he didn’t give a fuck, you were starting to realize that you didn’t give a fuck either. If he wanted to make bad decisions and ruin another relationship, by god if you weren’t going to help him towards his demise.

“Yeah? Why?” You crossed your arms, meeting his eyes when he didn’t move his hand from the door behind you. “I gave you condoms to get out of here and fuck her, didn’t I?”

“Will you stop? I’m trying to talk to you.” His eyes searched yours, and you wondered if he could see the lack of care that you were slowly falling into. So, based on his close proximity and the liquor in your system, you took a leap.

“I don’t want to talk.” You moved your hands to rest your fingers on his belt buckle, fingertips brushing the soft skin under his shirt just like you knew he liked. It had worked every single time when you’d been together, and you could tell by the way his breath caught in his throat that it was close to working now. “Why do you think I came into this small-ass bathroom with you with a handful of condoms, PJ? To fucking hang out?”

“I don’t know if…” He spluttered over his words as his hand pushed yours away, eyes wide and demeanor completely stiff as he struggled to swallow the medicine that he had fed you so many times before. Serves him fucking right. “Y/n, I’m not sure if…”

“You know, all these times that we’ve been around each other lately, I thought we were going to fuck again.” You put your hand right back where it had been, because you knew his limits, and he knew yours. If he was really against what you were proposing, he would’ve been out of that bathroom long ago. And he wouldn’t be staring at you the way he was.

“You said you never wanted me to fuck you again.” He breathed unevenly as he spoke, your hand slowly starting to peel his belt open as he watched with hooded eyes. It was the stupid ‘Knoxville’ belt that was becoming more and more of a staple in his wardrobe as the days went on. Hell, he’d even let you wear it a couple times before…well, before.

“I lied. I miss you.” More missed his dick than anything else, but that wasn’t in great taste to say at the present moment. Especially when you could tell that he was still teetering between feeling guilty for what he was doing and helping you pull his belt from each loop of his jeans.

“Don’t say that.” He muttered, pulling his lip between his teeth and looking down at you like it pained him to listen to you talk. You just gave him a sour look, dropping his belt onto the floor and listening to the satisfying sound of the buckle hitting tile.

“Is she here?” You asked boldly after a second of letting him look at you. You weren’t sure whether or not you were going to be annoyed if he said yes or slightly disappointed if he said no. Maybe a little bit of both. His jaw clenched, and you started to undo the zipper of his pants to add fuel to the fire that was what you suspected his answer was going to be.

“Yes she’s here. Would you–would you slow down, please?” He said, sounding slightly agitated as his hand stilled your fingers at the zipper of his Dickies. You clenched your jaw in an attempt to control your temper, starting to get irritated with his indecisiveness over your current situation. “She’s…she’s waiting for me.”

“Yeah? Then why the fuck have you been sitting in a bathroom with a case of beer and a bitchy look on your face all night?” You asked critically, letting your lack of patience bleed through your voice for a moment. He looked a little taken aback by your observation, and he spluttered momentarily before he cleared his throat to respond.

“I don’t want to talk about it.” That’s what he came up with. That was his lame-ass fucking excuse while he forced you to stand there and wait for him to make up his mind about some stupid girl you had never even heard speak before. You were sure he cared about her just as much as he cared about everyone else he was supposed to be showing an ounce of respect towards. You threw a hand in the air, starting to put space between the two of you. You weren’t going to stand in the bathroom with him all night while he decided on whether or not he was going to commit. God knows how he did with committing to things.

“I’m not asking you to talk about it, for fuck’s sake. I’m asking you to make up your fucking mind and stop acting like a mopey little bitch while you sit here and whine.” You spoke a little harsher than you intended, but you knew deep down that he could handle it. It wasn’t like he didn’t deserve it, anyway. “Fuck me or don’t. You’ve got ten seconds.”

And, of course, he chose to use those ten seconds to stare at you, lips parted in a look that you had seen so many times before. He was giving you your answer without making a sound. Despite how macho and composed Johnny Knoxville wanted to seem, he would fold at your feet if you raised your voice at him even a little.

Just as you were opening your mouth to give some smart-ass retort about his weak resolve in that very department, he was suddenly reaching out and pulling you back from where you’d stepped away from him, his lips finding yours as soon as your chest pressed up against his. You could taste the beer on his breath, and you couldn’t help but smile into the kiss at the triumph of getting what you had secretly known you wanted so fucking badly ever since you’d gotten over the initial anger of your breakup. You knew it was hypocritical to tease him for his weak resolve when you didn’t even have a resolve when it came to him. He was your Kryptonite.

Johnny broke the kiss after a second, his demeanor now completely relaxed as he kept one hand on your arm and the other on your cheek. “God, you make me miss you so fucking much.”

You didn’t respond, just kissed him again. You weren’t ready for the whole ‘I miss you every waking moment that I’m not around you and it physically pains me that you’re not mine anymore’ conversation in the middle of someone you barely knew’s bathroom, and you had grown sick of talking anyway. Johnny didn’t complain, and this time he allowed you to get his zipper the rest of the day down without a word as his lips trailed down your neck.

“Fuck me. Right now. I don’t want to wait.” You said as soon as you had his zipper undone, your hands already pushing his pants down his hips as you leaned away so that he was forced to look at you. You’d been staring at him for too long with no outlet over the past few weeks to go through even more waiting when you had him right there and ready in front of you.

“Yeah. Okay.” He was breathless, and seemed to be stuck in limbo as he watched you push his Dickies the rest of the day down before hooking your fingers in the waistband of his boxers and doing the same. He was already haard, just as you had anticipated despite his protesting about his so-called ‘girlfriend’. It made you feel a small, spiteful surge of accomplishment as he returned the favor, pulling the dress that you were wearing up over your hips before ripping the fishnets you were wearing right at the crotch. You huffed at him.

“Seriously? I just got these.” You couldn’t decide whether or not to be mad that he’d just wasted ten dollars of your hard-earned money or deeply aroused that he was being so careless with you. It was like he was reading your mind. He scoffed, showing that he clearly didn’t care as he pulled your underwear to the side through the crude hole in your tights.

“Good.” He breathed, pushing you back slightly so that your ass was up against the sink as he pulled one of your legs up so that he had a grip on the bottom of your thigh and your legs spread wide open for him. Your mouth dropped open as your body quickly decided on the deeply aroused option, and you wrapped an arm around his shoulders as you stared at him.

“Can you go rough?” Your voice had suddenly lost its force, and you sounded like a little kid begging for ten extra minutes after bedtime as he lined the head of his cock up with your entrance with the hand that wasn’t holding your leg up. You were already dripping wet (who could blame you?), and you knew he could tell by the way his eyes darted up to yours with a small smirk on his face.

“Stop fuckin’ begging me for things.” He said after a second, his lips dropping down to your neck as he pushed into you. Every back-of-your-mind warning about how bad of an idea this was immediately dissipated at the feeling of his cock sliding fully into you, a sensation that made you gasp out at the same time that he let out a little groan right in your ear. If you had been fucked before, you definitely were now (no pun intended).

“Fuck, baby–”

“Stop.” The moment that he stopped you from calling him baby, which was more of an accident and a reflex than an actual formed thought, would’ve been awkward at any other time, but you were too turned on and distracted by the feeling of him pulling out and then slamming back into you to care. “I’m not in the mood, Y/n.”

“Yeah? Then fuck me like it.” You were so clearly instigating as you mumbled into his ear, and you could tell that you hit him right where you were aiming for when his lips stilled on your neck and then his head pulled away from you. Then, in a moment that nothing was ever going to compare to for the rest of your life, he slapped you right across the face and then grabbed your jaw between his fingers while he continued to fuck you.

“Shut the fuck up.” He said through his teeth, a moment of something you didn’t see in him often taking over as the hand that had just made contact with your cheek moved to your throat instead. He didn’t grip tight, but he didn’t have to. Despite the fact that he’d literally just told you to shut the fuck up, you moaned loudly, one hand coming up to circle his wrist where his hand was at your throat. You couldn’t help yourself. You had no reserves when it came to erotic violence.

“PJ.” That definitely hadn’t been on purpose, and you almost blushed at how loudly his name had just fallen from your lips. At that moment he seemed to realize what he’d just done, and even though he didn’t stop thrusting his cock into you hard enough to guarantee that you were going to be extremely sore by the time you left the bathroom, he grimaced and took his hand off of your throat to brush his fingers across your probably-red cheek.

“You okay?” He mumbled, clearly not taking a good enough hint by the unbroken stream of gasps and whimpers that were coming out of your mouth as he continued to fuck you like his life depended on it. Every thrust of his hips seemed to hit you deeper and deeper, and it didn’t help that it felt like he was subconsciously pulling your leg up higher every few seconds to make sure that he had you as open as possible for the cock that was currently splitting you open.

“Again.” You begged, voice coming out strained and broken as you tried to form coherent sentences through the waves of pleasure that were making your heart race and your legs shake. No one knew how to fuck you like Johnny did. You had to shut your mind off when you started to wonder how many girls thought that same exact thing when he was fucking them. That was not a place you wanted to go when he was currently so intimately close to you. He let out a chuckle of disbelief.

“You’re fucking crazy.” He shook his head as he let you take his hand and bring it back to your throat from where it had been at your cheek. You couldn’t call him baby, but he could cradle your face like he did when you’d been deeply in love and having sex way nicer than what you were having now. Typical.

“Ple–” You had just been about to give up your pride and beg, when suddenly he cut your voice off by doing exactly what you’d asked, hitting you just as hard as he had before at the same time that the tip of his cock hit that sweet spot inside of you for the first time that night. If what the two of you were holed up in the bathroom doing together had been a secret before, it definitely wasn’t after that, because the sound that came out of your mouth was not one that could’ve been mistaken for anything other than proof that you were definitely getting the attitude fucked out of you. You secretly hoped his stupid girlfriend was in earshot.

“Good fucking girl. Show me how much you love taking cock.” Johnny crooned his words like it was the sweetest thing he’d ever said despite how filthy what he was saying really was. You were a little surprised, because you’d assumed that he was going to want you to be as quiet as possible, but with your orgasm getting closer and closer, you didn’t really stop and think long enough for you to actually care.

Despite how much control he’d been displaying so far, you could tell that Johnny’s resolve was starting to crack. He was fucking you so hard that your head and shoulders were hitting the cheap mirror/medicine cabinet behind you, which was making aloud slamming sound, and every break of his voice was villed with a grunt or a groan that got louder with each second that passed.

“Shit, PJ. I’m gonna cum. Fucking…keep going.” You moaned, the hand that was gripping his shoulder starting to dig your fingernails in a little deeper than what was probably comfortable for him as he picked up his pace up in lieu of what you had just said to him. This was what you loved. Ridiculously loud sex where everyone around you could probably easily figure out what you were doing while the two of you were so entrance with each other that neither one cared.

“You gonna cream on my cock? Mark what’s fucking yours?” God, he was just making it worse and worse. It’s like he wanted you to make you fall in love with him all over again…because you’d totally stopped doing that. You really hoped he didn’t notice the heart-eyes stare you were giving him. There was a thin sheen of sweat coating his forehead, and his eyes were slammed shut in pleasure, which was when he was at his hottest in your opinion.

I love you. I love you. I love you. You couldn’t help it. It was all you could do not to let those words make it past your lips as he hit that sweet spot once more, pushing you into spilling over the edge as you did exactly what he had just asked of you. You dropped your forehead to his shoulder as you cried out, your whole body jerking as your orgasm was pushed further by the fact that his thrusts didn’t cease their harsh pace.

“Fuck, sweetheart. This pussy was fucking made for me.” Johnny groaned, pulling your leg up just a little more than what you could handle in his fucked out haze. You gasped slightly, half because you were bordering on overstimulation and half because he had for sure just pulled multiple muscles in your leg. Suddenly, his eyes shot back open. “Damn it. We forgot a condom.”

Fuck. So much for Bam’s present.

“Pull out.” You panicked, hoping that he was actually listening to you and not just going into ‘fuck until I can’t anymore’ mode, which was a frequent habit of his. He managed to chuckle through the increasingly frequent moans making their way out of his mouth, an idea clearly forming on his face as he looked down between the two of you where his cock was still dragging in and out of you over and over again.

“Look.” He demanded, clearly requesting that you let your eyes drop down to where his were focused. You grimaced, because he didn’t always have the best ideas, but did as he asked, looking down where his hips were starting to stutter. Sometimes you were really shocked by how impressive his stamina was even after as many beers as he had gone through in such a short period of time. “M’ not gonna cum in you. Just gonna make sure you’re not fuckin’ anyone else tonight.”

“What the fuck does that m–” Before you could even fully get your sentence out, he let out a loud, stuttered groan, and then he was cumming directly onto your pussy, stroking himself through his orgasm as he took his turn to drop his head onto your shoulder. He was insane. Actually. Fucking. Insane. You just stared at him for a second, in shock that he had actually just done that. Johnny Knoxville, who had started the night out trying to get away from you so that he wouldn’t have to talk to you.

“Wish I had a camera.” He said breathlessly, loosening his harsh grip on your leg a little once he realized how high he’d been holding it, and in the weird position that he had been holding it in. If you hadn’t known fully well that the girl he had shown up with was probably actively looking for him by now, you would’ve immediately pushed him down to his knees and made him clean you up with his mouth. But, instead, you were forced to let him pull your underwear right back into place, watching as he pressed his palm directly into place to smooth the fabric in while he grinned like a fucking idiot.

“Come here.” If he was going to do that shit, you were getting payback before you made your exit from the bathroom that was starting to reek of sex. You didn’t know how he fell for it, but he did, immediately accepting your request and letting you wrap your arms around his waist. You began to press kisses to his neck, which earned you a lot of responsive gasps and shaky breathing as he was distracted by the fact that you were hitting all of his sweet spots. What he didn’t notice was that you were sucking the biggest, darkest hickeys you could possibly muster on every inch of his throat and jaw, leaving him looking like an overzealous teenager in their first real romance.

However, when you broke away from him and handed him his boxers, he happened to glance up at the mirror, and immediately went pale at the sight of his dark and purple-spotted neck.

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.” He deadpanned, a hand running over the expanse of his throat as he stared at his reflection with a look that had rivaled your own when you’d watched him cum on you only a couple minutes before. You weren’t much better off, with two decently-red handprints on your cheek and a couple of faint hickeys on your neck, but you still laughed at him.

“Payback’s a bitch, Knoxville.” You blew him a kiss over his shoulder as you pulled your dress back down, hoping that you looked at least half-presentable so that you didn’t have everyone eyeing you up suspiciously for the rest of the night. You really didn’t mind the post-fuck look, but you did mind the crude comments that came from space-invading men with a little too much booze in their system. It was a good thing you were starting to get a craving for a joint, because you knew Bam would go outside to smoke with you even if he didn’t want to hear about the sex you’d just been having. You looked back at Johnny once more as your hand made contact with the door handle. “Give your girlfriend a kiss for me. And tell me what she thinks of my decorations when you get the chance.”

You made sure to slip out of the bathroom before he could get a word in, because you knew that you had just royally pissed him off, only to run almost directly into the back of a loudly-shouting Bam Margera. He whipped around as soon as you made contact, evidently about to lay into the douche party-goer that had just spilled a little bit of his beer, only to have a look of concern flood his face instead when he got a good look at you.

“Did that motherfucker slap you?” His eyes immediately darted towards the door as his face changed like he was going to storm towards it, and you grabbed his arm before he could go rushing in there to berate a probably still-pantsless Johnny Knoxville inside.

“Consensual! Don’t worry!” You said with a playful grin, watching his face screw up in disgust as soon as the words were out of your mouth just like you thought it would. He looked you over, his eyes clearly catching the hickeys and the rips of your fishnets that were just visible below the hem of your dress with an extremely judgemental look on his face.

“You two sounded like you were fucking killing each other in there. Did you use all of those condoms?” You couldn’t tell if he sounded impressed or disgusted. Probably a little bit of both. Your playful grin turned into a sheepish one, and you made sure to take a step away from the rest of the people around you so that everyone else wasn’t getting more of an earful about what you had just been doing than they already had.

“Uh…actually none of them.” You admitted, wincing when you saw the look that quickly set on his face. You put your hands up in defense, mentally reminding yourself that you were blaming it on alcohol consumption and definitely not the fact that you might’ve been a little obsessed with the feeling of Johnny cumming in you. Bam certainly didn’t need to know that. “It was an accident! And he didn’t even really cum in me, anyway.”

“Dude. What the fuck is wrong with you guys?” Bam groaned, throwing a hand in the air like an exasperated parent of irresponsible teenagers. “I gave you condoms for a reason.”

“Did you know that he has a girlfriend?” You ignored his lecturing, making a face at how quickly alcohol pushed that admission right out of your mouth. Bam looked bewildered as he handed you a new beer.

“And you two…fucked?” Bam, of all people, was giving you a judgemental stare. You shrugged aggressively, popping your beer tap with one of the rings on your fingers and then taking a big swig.

“Don’t give me that look. Have you ever actually seen those two within five feet of each other?” You defended yourself, pulling a joint out of the pocket of your coat that he was still holding before motioning towards the side door that led outside.

“No, but…damn, dude. I didn’t know you could just openly admit that he’s cheating.” Bam muttered, opening the door for you and then sliding it closed behind himself once the two of you stepped outside.

“You’re making me feel guilty.” You complained as he handed you a lighter to spark up the joint that you had just put between your lips. Surprisingly, there was no one outside except for a couple who looked like there were a couple seconds from fucking in the pool, so the two of you just turned your backs and faced the other way for decency’s sake.

“Sorry, man. You two are just some weird-ass people.” He shook his head to himself, side-eyeing you like he hadn’t told you some seriously fucked-up shit that he’d done with and for significant others. Hypocrisy at its finest.

“Don’t care.” You took the first hit off the spliff, savoring the burn in your throat that cleared the fog out of your head a little bit of the mess that had been this night. “On the bright side, that was like, the best fucking sex ever.”

“I don’t understand how you like being hit. On purpose.” Bam judged, motioning to the handprints on your cheek before accepting the spliff when you handed it over. You wrinkled your nose at him, taking another sip of your beer and glancing through the window of the house to see if you could make out Johnny. You kind of wanted to see the aftermath of what his girlfriend seeing all the hickeys on his neck was going to be.

“Will you just let me exist? God. You don’t know what it’s like until you’ve done it, asshole.” You groaned, running a hand over your face and silently wishing that he wouldn’t take so long deepthroating your joint.

“I’ve been slapped by Knoxville like, a million times. Never made me jizz my pants.” Bam said crudely as he handed the joint back over, shrugging like it couldn’t have concerned him less.

“Well good for you. Can’t say the same.” You grinned at the disgusted look that quickly formed on his face at your words. Suddenly, as if the two of you had spoken it into existence, the side door slammed open, and then shut, and then you both turned and watched a suspiciously familiar blonde girl stomping her way across the lawn and then out of sight towards the side street behind the house.

“No fucking way that’s her.” Bam snickered, looking back towards you with a look of pure enjoyment on his face that rivaled your own as you both broke into a fit of laughter at the sight of Johnny’s girlfriend clearly running away from him. And then, just to make it ten times better, suddenly the side door was behind pulled open again, and then out came the man of the hour.

“Knoxville, you are one stupid fucker.” Bam whooped in Johnny’s direction, flipping him off while Johnny just, as always, grinned like an idiot. And, of course, things could never go well for you, because then Johnny was diverting off of his path to come straight in your direction.

“Why thank you.” He said, sounding completely good-natured despite the fact that his girlfriend had just vacated the party for reasons that everyone could easily guess. The hickeys on his neck had only deepened in color since you’d left him in the bathroom, and you could so clearly see that he didn’t care. He jutted his thumb back in the direction that his girlfriend had gone. “Probably fucked that up, though.”

“Can tell you’re really torn up about it.” You said dryly, taking a long hit in an attempt to keep yourself calm and collected. If only he could take things seriously for once in his life instead of turning everything into one big joke.

“Yeah, and I have you to thank for that, don’t I?” Suddenly he was way too up close and personal in your space, and then he was towering over you as he used his height as an advantage that he didn’t often take. “Don’t go switching up on me, now.”

“Okay. You should probably go chase after Melissa or Courtney, or whatever.” You pushed him back a little bit by his shoulders, consciously aware of the fact that Bam was watching every second of your interaction with an entertained grin on his face.

“Whaddya mean? I got the only girl I need right here.” It’s like he wanted to be punched. Or slapped, at the very least. And then, to add the sickly sweet cherry on top, he looked right at the dirty look on your face and then pressed a kiss to your lips. Right in front of Bam.

“PJ.” You snapped, giving him a warning look with your hand now permanently pushing him back by his shoulder. Deep down you knew that if Bam hadn’t been there, the two of you would’ve been making out by now, and you could tell that Johnny was thinking the same thing, but for the time being he just put up his hands in surrender.

“I’m going! I’m going.” And then he was walking off in the direction that his girlfriend had run off in, whistling to himself as he went. You slowly looked towards Bam, who was already staring at you, and jabbed a finger at him when he opened his mouth to speak.

“Don’t say anything. Not. A. Fucking. Word.”

[summerroomspring]

random thoughts about the 'cookie dough' speech

Buffy Summers : I'm well aware of my stellar history with guys... (sighs, leans beside Angel) And, no, I don't see fat grandchildren in the offing with Spike, but I don't think that really matters right now. (chuckles) You know, in the midst of all this insanity, a couple things are actually starting to make sense. And the guy thing— (sighs) I always feared there was something wrong with me, you know, because I couldn't make it work. But maybe I'm not supposed to.

Okay. I'm cookie dough... I'm not done baking. I'm not finished becoming whoever the hell it is I'm gonna turn out to be. I make it through this, and the next thing, and the next thing, and maybe one day, I turn around and realize I'm ready. I'm cookies. And then, you know, if I want someone to eat m- or enjoy warm, delicious, cookie me, then... that's fine. That'll be then... when I'm done.

Angel : Any thoughts on who might enjoy... Do I have to go with the cookie analogy?

Buffy Summers : I'm not really thinking that far ahead. That's kind of the point.

Angel : I'll go start working on the second front. Make sure I don't have to use it.[starts to leave] 

Buffy Summers : Angel... I do... sometimes think that far ahead.

Angel : Sometimes is something.

Buffy Summers : Be a long time coming. Years, if ever.

Angel : I ain't gettin' any older.

I've never liked this speech, and not just because I find the "warm cookie Buffy" metaphor gross. Like a lot of things in Chosen, it feels like it's here because "something for the Bangel shippers" and "a female empowerment moment where Buffy realizes it's okay to be single for awhile so that shippers will leave us alone" were both on the writers' checklist of things that should be in a BTVS finale, rather than because it made sense for the story and characters.

Buffy having a moment where she realizes that maybe it's okay if she doesn't "make it work" with a guy for awhile feels like a weird lesson to learn. Has Buffy been obsessed with finding the right guy for the past couple seasons? She was never trying to make it work with Spike, they never even dated. Her relationships with Spike and Riley both suffered from her being emotionally closed off (maybe because she still saw Angel as her true love and couldn't commit to anyone else) not her being afraid to be alone and desperate to make things work.

Also, does this speech take place in an alternate dimension where Angel isn't the one who broke up with Buffy, and Buffy "brushing him off for Spike" is the reason Bangel aren't together? Am I the only one who remembers how Angel left her because he wanted her to have a normal life, and he couldn't give that to her?

Despite the fact that Angel's the one who left Buffy, and seems to have accepted the fact they're not together (even when Buffy died, Angel mourned but was okay) in Chosen he's acting like he's been rejected by her, or like he's changed his mind for unexplained reasons and suddenly thinks they could be together. Considering Angel's behavior in this episode and ATS S5, it starts to seem like Angel's sudden pining after Buffy has less to do with him changing his mind about the likelihood of him and Buffy ever being able to be together, and is either triggered entirely by his rivalry with Spike, or by the fact that his family in L.A. has fallen apart, and retreating into an old fantasy of being with Buffy some day is a coping mechanism for him.

I don't mind Angel's bejavior in TGIQ (where he also acts like a rejected ex of Buffy's) as much as I do here, because there it's just transparently played for comedy because the writers found Spike and Angel's dynamic hilarious. And I also like Spike and Angel's dynamic, so I'll take it.

[dizzyjelly]

We're Just Friends

Word Count: 1.7k

Summary: your boyfriend, Tony's friend has a birthday party and you see your bsf Dina there. Tony is dared to play 7 minutes in heaven, and you get frustrated with him. Dina and him argue briefly before she comes outside to find you.

Cw: drinking, shitty boyfriend, slur used(dyke), accused of cheating

A/n: alright here's the first Dina fic of tonight, hope you guys enjoy! There will be a part 2.

Your night was going well. Your boyfriend Tony had taken you to a party one of his friends was throwing. Apparently it was his birthday, but nobody brought a gift and there wasn't cake. You just figured he celebrated differently. Once you go there you saw that your best friend was also there!

Dina spotted you as well and smiled, walking over to you and pulling you into a hug. She chuckled, holding her arms around you. One of her hands held a red solo cup with a drink, as you pulled away you grabbed the cup. She nodded and you took a sip.

"Ugh, gross!" You laughed, handing it back to her as you had a grimace on your face.

"You're just a lightweight." Dina shrugs then takes a sip and swallows it without any negative facial expression.

"You're so-" you started with a chuckle, but were cut off by Tony stumbling into you and throwing his arm around your shoulders.

You sighed softly, noticing Dinas face turning into that of a scowl as you let him be all over you. He was your boyfriend after all. Dina never liked him. But she tolerated him at least.

"Hey babe." He greets, pulling you in for a deep kiss.

You cut it short because he tasted of strong alcohol and cigarettes. A small scoff fell past your lips as you stepped away from him a tiny bit. He furrowed his brows.

"You're smoking again?" You ask, your tone harsh.

"Babe don't make this a big deal, please." He rolled his eyes and took your hand in his, "it's just a smoke.." You pulled your hand away.

"Whatever." You sigh, walking away and into the kitchen.

Tony would try to follow you, but Dina stopped him. She told him to just leave you alone for now. She'd follow you though, her hand resting on your waist when she found you. You looked at her and smiled, leaning over to give her a small kiss on the cheek.

Dina would turn away, not wanting you to see her blushing. You wouldn't anyways, you were busy rummaging the drink table. You didn't enjoy alcohol in the slightest, but maybe there'd be something you could enjoy. Like with a flavored mix. Eventually you got something that wasn't half bad.

Dina’s arm stayed around you as she walked to the living room with you. There, the two of you stood against a wall and drank. It wasn't long before you began talking as well.

"So, how are things with Tony..?" She asks.

"Oh, it's fine. I don't know." You shrug.

"You can tell me the truth, you know." She speaks genuinely.

You considered it. But what would you say? He's terrible, he doesn't care about anything you have to say anymore. He didn't listen to you. She'd just tell you to break up with him. And maybe you should. Before you got the chance to say anything, someone started yelling in the middle of the room.

"Spin the bottle! Truth or dare version!" The guy shouted, and a circle started forming on the carpet.

You nodded towards the circle and Dina followed you. The two of you sat in the circle, she was kind of across from you. The first guy spun and landed on the chick next to you. She ended up daring him to kiss the hottest guy in the room. Everyone thought it was hilarious, but you didn't really care.

The game continued and you tapped your fingers against your cup nervously. Nobody spun you yet, which was nice. But eventually this girl Ava got you. You smiled at her, picking truth of course.

"Who's somebody in this room you'd fuck right now?" She asks, her speech slurred a bit since she'd been drunk.

And while you shouldn't have, immediately you looked at Dina. Her breath hitches as she makes eye contact with you. Your eyes stay on her for a bit too long, until finally you look away. You laugh awkwardly.

"Um, Tony duh." You shrug.

Tony's friends shouted and patted him on the back. They all congratulated him on this W. You just rolled your eyes then leaned forward on your knees to spin the bottle. You watched it as you brought your knees to your chest, hugging them. Your eyes weren't on the bottle all that much, you couldn't stop looking at her. And Dina was the same.

The bottle ended up landing on some guy, you didn't catch his name. Even if you did, your mind was too clouded by Dina to remember. You asked him who the hottest girl was, as well as the hottest guy. He answered with a laugh and you just smiled awkwardly. You got quiet after that.

When the bottle landed on Tony, he picked dare of course. The girl who had to give him one thought for a minute. Finally, she smirked and told him his dare.

"I dare you to play seven minutes in heaven with... her." The girl pointed to some blonde sitting a couple people away from you.

Your eyes that were focused on Dina shot over to Tony, your mouth fell open with a scoff. The girl who gave him the dare got a slap on the arm from her friend, who told her he was take. The girl just shrugged, not giving him an out. Dina watched you carefully as you crossed your arms and glared at Tony.

He chuckled, smiling at the blonde and shrugging. You groaned frustratedly and stood, walking over to stand in front of him. You leaned over and shouted in his face.

"Are you fucking serious!" You shouted, he leaned back and looked over at his friend quickly then back at you.

"What? It's not like I was actually gonna do anything with her!" He shouted back, throwing his hands up in defense.

You turned your head back and glanced at Dina, frowning as tears formed at your waterline. Without another word, you left the room and made your way to the backyard. Since you'd done so, you missed what happened next. Dina shook her head shamefully.

"Tony.." She began, walking over to him, "you're an asshole. You don't even deserve her, you know that right? She is way too good for you. I hope you have a terrible night." She smiled pitifully.

Tony pouted like a child as she lectured him. Dina clicked her tongue and sighed. And then, after making sure she was ready to bolt right after, she threw her drink all over his face. Even the collar of his shirt got dampened, as well as some of the surrounding area. She ran out after you now.

Dina would stand timidly at the back door, her demeanor contrasting what occurred moments before. She slowly stepped outside and heard you crying softly. A sigh could be heard, you jumped a bit and looked in her direction. You groaned before brining a hand over your puffy, red eyes. She walked over and sat beside you on the porch swing. It swayed the slightest as she did.

"I'm such an idiot.." You mumbled, your voice broken up by your crying.

"No. He is." She reasoned softly, bringing her arm around you and letting you rest your head on her shoulder.

You continued to cry. Your tears fell onto her shirt, but she didn't mind. She began to rub her thumb over your shoulder gently. You sighed, pressing your face closer to her her neck and tucking your legs up behind you. You rested your knees on her legs. She didn't care, she didn't care about any of it. She just wanted to be there for you.

"I.." She started, and you hummed to let her know you'd been listening, "I kinda threw my drink at Tony.. I'm sorry.." She was quiet now, clearly worried for hoe you'd react.

"What?" You asked, feeling quite shocked, before Dina could apologize again you spoke more, "you're so great.. I wish I was more like you.." You smiled.

"But you're not." She stated, it wasn't meant to hurt your feelings, but it did a little, "you're you. And, Y/n, you are like the best girl I've ever met. So who the fuck cares if you're not like me? You're even better.." your feelings weren't hurt anymore.

You didn't say anything else, instead you just wrapped your arms around her and leaned in closely. You nuzzled your face against her chest and she giggled, stroking your hair gently with her other arm still around you.

"Thank you.." You whispered softly, your voice was lightly muffled by Dina's chest, but she heard you.

For a second you thought everything would be fine. A second. Because of course Tony had to come outside and make assumptions.

"Are you kidding me!" He's already yelling.

You groan as you pull away from Dina and stand up, she just watches for now. You walk up to Tony with crossed arms, noticing several other partygoers in your peripheral vision. Some were recording.

"What Tony. What is it now!" You shouted back.

"You know what" he scoffed, "I always knew there was something up with you two." He shook his head in disapproval.

"What are you on!? We're just friends!" Your voice grew louder as you yelled in his face.

"You expect to believe you and that-" he looked at Dina with disgust, "that fucking dyke are just frie-" after hearing that word you were done.

Out of anger, you pulled your arm back and then punched him square in the face. After that you shoved him back by his shoulders as well. He stood for a moment, bringing his hand to his now bloody nose. He just scoffed and walked away without another word.

You were breathing heavily, then heavier as you looked at the watching crowd. You felt sick. You rushed through them all and ignored their yelling as you ran out front. Dina followed you, worried.

"I can't drive.." She mutters, having had too much to drink.

"I can. Give me your keys." She nodded and gave you her car keys.

The two of you got into her car and then you drove silently back to her place. She'd invite you in and you'd accept, following her to the living room couch. You sighed and put your head in your hands.

"I don't know what's wrong with me." You spoke softly.

[watchingspnagain]

Rewatching It’s a Terrible Life

Welcome to “Sam and Dean are Just Steps on the Bossman’s Ladder: A Supernatural Rewatch Blog” with Lor and Mace!

Up today, s4e17: It’s a Terrible Life

Dean Smith works a middle-management white-collar job at Sandover Bridge and Iron, and Sam Wesson is a grunt in the IT department there. Sam thinks something about this life is wrong, and when he runs into Dean he could swear they’ve met before. But Dean brushes him off until employees start dying real weird in the company. When Dean witnesses an IT tech stab himself in the throat during a panic attack over filling out a form incorrectly, he accepts that Sam might be on to something. The two work together to research the company and the deaths, eventually realizing the ghost of the company’s founder is compelling workers to kill themselves if they don’t give Sandover their all. Smith and Wesson dispatch the ghost (after finding some helpful tips online from the Ghostfacers), and eventually Dean’s boss reveals that he is actually Zachariah, an angel who arranged this little interlude for Dean to help him remember that he is and always will be a hunter at heart. Dean doesn’t take kindly to this interference from the angels and promises that one day he’ll stab Zachariah in his face.

Below is a log of our real-time reactions as we watched. Remember that there may be spoilers for any part of SPN’s 15-season run here. Note also that the nature of our conversation is adult and thus it may contain adult language and themes.

 [and we begin:]

Lor: bounces I love this one

Mace: 

it is a good one

he looks so ridiculous in that shirt and tie

Lor:

and I love that this show is like "ep 16: torture, hero almost killed by a demon who tortured him in hell for 30 years. ep 17: alternate universe shenanigans"

mmm. someone should maybe take him out of them

Mace: 

they like to mess with us

Lor:

yep

Mace: 

LOR.

Lor:

wot?

innocent

Mace: 

simmer down

Lor:

NEVER

Mace: 

omg this guy plays such a hilarious weirdo on Psych

Lor:

Zachariah?

Mace: 

yeah

Lor:

omg Dean Smith. you do not need to lose any weight. eat a cookie

kill a ghost

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

LOL Sam's face

Mace: 

SAM IN THAT POLO

Lor:

YES

even Dean Smith makes "no homo" jokes when no one else brought that up pets him go to therapy, baby

Mace: 

it’s crazy to me that Sam is uncomfortable in this fake life but Dean suspects nothing

YEP

Lor:

DID YOU TRY TURNING IT OFF AND THEN ON

yeah it is WEIRD

Mace: 

HAHAHA

Lor:

but it fits with his "I can fit in anywhere thing"

Mace: 

hm. I wonder if it’s more “I’m so unhappy in the life my daddy forced me into” thing

Lor:

oh definitely

Mace: 

my god he FITS in that shirt

Lor:

YAAAS

he should really stop being work buddies with this asshole

Mace: 

(omg I am seriously wearing almost EXACTLY that other dude’s outfit right now)

Lor:

HAAAAHAHAHAHA I LOVE IT

poor Sam doesn't fit in his cubicle

Mace: 

graphic t with ratty flannel over

Lor:

it is the BEST outfit

Mace: 

oh Sammy, sweets, I’ll nap with you

Lor:

MACE

simmer down

Mace: 

I love how he does NOT fit into that cubicle

Lor:

YES

Mace: 

Dean’s profile. just DAMN, son

Lor:

YAAAAAS

they made him extra pretty this ep and I love that they bothered

Mace: 

he cleans up super nice

Lor:

Dean, you know you have some vampire romance novels under your perfectly made bed

Mace: 

SNORK

“you overshare”

HAHAHA

Lor:

the tiny montages of the workplace mundanities

Mace: 

YEP

“I hope they spank me” this boy is naughty

Lor:

LOL

look, we've all been where he is. no evil ghost needed

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

EW

Mace: 

oh GROSS

SHOULDERS

Lor:

YAS

omg Dean's pretty pretty face. his LIPS

Mace: 

RIGHT?!

Lor:

omg Sam and Dean are both researching it and asking the same questions on their own. i love it

Mace: 

YES

“did you shave?!”

Lor:

lol

"the dash-Rs"

Mace: 

“hey, guy”

Lor:

omg his back in those suspenders

Mace: 

right?

omg EW

Lor:

RIGHT?

i always forget this one has some serious ew horror moments

poor Dean so shook

Mace: 

but not as shook as a normal person, which is kind of awesome

Lor:

the way his voice kinda fails on "neck"

YES

I love the way he just totally took charge with Ian (even though it didn't work)

Mace: 

why did he bring his bag?

yeah

Lor:

security laptop. it makes him feel safe

Mace: 

emotional support laptop

Lor:

YES

"NOT NATURAL"

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

"no that would be nuts" HAAAAAHHAHAHAHA poking fun at their own show history

Mace: 

SNORK

Lor:

"some skills I happen to have"

Mace: 

okay settle down, Taken

Lor:

I admire from afar

Mace: 

Dean’s arms in that shirt

Lor:

HEY. SETTLE DOWN

Mace: 

“right?!” BOYS

Lor:

"I am dying to check this out." "Right?" YES

Mace: 

SNORK! Look, I’m always like this. It’s weirder when you do it

Lor:

LOLOLOLOL

Fair enough

Mace: 

your desire to trot at any given moment is, like, lukewarm

Lor:

at best

Mace: 

which is, of course, completely cool - PUN INTENDED - I’m just saying that when you bump it up to hot-trotting, it’s just different

Lor:

LOLOLOL

I get it

Mace: 

whereas my trotting enthusiasm always runs at toasty, minimum

Lor:

except for the GIANT BOWL OF APPLES

eat a food, Dean, I beg you

Mace: 

HAHAHA

Lor:

LOL toasty trots

DON'T BE A SNOB DEAN SMITH

Mace: 

right?!

(also, their NAMES)

Lor:

your daddy raised you better'n that

Mace: 

did he, though?

I think you mean Bobby raised him better

Lor:

(YES I am kissing whoever decided to give them OTHER gun names platonically on the head)

Mace: 

(HA)

Lor:

Bobby is his dad in the universe, that's what I meant

Mace: 

omgomgomg

Lor:

HAAAAHAHAHAHA GHOSTFACERS

"instructional videos"

Mace: 

GHOSTFACERS

I forgot they were in here!

Lor:

THIS IS LIKE THE BEST JOKE that they learn how from them who they hate who learned it from them

I LOVE IT kicks feet in glee

Mace: 

YESYESYES

Lor:

nrrrrrf Dean's dumb buttondown tucked into his dumb dress slacks

Mace: 

YES

“yeah now sucks"

Lor:

his portfolio is in the sewer. poor rich baby

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

"useless douchebags the Winchesters"

"possibly all states"

Mace: 

HAHAHAHA

Lor:

and Dean's face at the idea of digging up bodies

Mace: 

YES

omg Dean hiding

Lor:

YES

oh man another super gross bit coming

Mace: 

UGH

“…what?” SAM

Lor:

YES

eeeeeeeeew

Mace: 

EWEWEWEW

poor Bean

Lor:

poor sammy

"take the stairs"

Mace: 

HAHAHA

Lor:

aw Dean's little swallow

Mace: 

YES

Lor:

"I have no idea"

Mace: 

oh boys

Lor:

hey! stop throwing my Dean around into things!

ooo the teamwork

Mace: 

YES

Lor:

I love that Sam immediately clocks that the way to help Dean is not to help him but to dispatch the ghost

Mace: 

YES

so smart

“that was amazing!”

Lor:

HE HAS A FIRST AID KIT IN HIS OFFICE

pets him

Mace: 

yeah

“how would we live?”

HEALTH INSURANCE

Lor:

"you don't wanna go fighting ghosts without any health insurance" I LOVE HIM

YES

Mace: 

I LOVE that Sam instinctively knows who he is

HE WENT TO STANFORD

Lor:

YES

RIGHT?!

And his family is Bobby, Ellen, and Jo

Mace: 

well, Bobby at least

“you don’t know me, pal” ooof

Lor:

"you should go" sigh

YAS SAM

Mace: 

YAS SAMMY DO IT

Lor:

GOD HIS ARMS

Mace: 

YES

he BENT the poker MY GOD

Lor:

YES

Dean, hold out for your own angel

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

gross

Mace: 

yeah

Lor:

THE WAY THE COLOR DROPS OUT

Mace: 

OMG YES

Lor:

"my GOD am I hungry"

Mace: 

HAHAHA YES

Lor:

trots in with a bag of cheeseburgers and fries and pie

Mace: 

HA

Lor:

"gross. no thank you"

Mace: 

“gross” HAHAHAHA

Lor:

lololol Dean

ass clowns in monkey suits

Mace: 

how did they not realize how he would respond to this?

Lor:

his idiolect! I cannot

RIGHT?

Cas coulda told them. No way they ran this by him

Mace: 

nope

daddy issues

he’s not wrong there

Lor:

"I will stab you in your face" AND HE DOES

Mace: 

HAHAHAHA

Lor:

his face journey after "fornicate with women" is something else

look, Dean, I'm here to tell you you can hunt and still have the lattes

Mace: 

HAHAHA YES

and fuck all of them for doing all this to Sammy too but not bothering to explain

Lor:

RIGHT?

Mace: 

and HE’S THE ONE WHO ACTUALLY PASSED THE STUPID TEST

Lor:

like Sam goes from "my brother is beat to hell in a hospital bed" to being mind fucked and then no one bothers to tell him what's up

RIGHT?

Mace: 

so mean. he needs comforting.

Lor:

I think we've talked before about how if they'd given Dean a life HE MIGHT ACTUALLY HAVE HAD, like running his own auto shop, restoring cars, with either Cassie or Cas, he would have STAYED THERE FOREVER

Mace: 

YEP