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Episode 88 Transcript: Does Sam Winchester Have Anything to Say to the People of the United States (and the Philippines)?

[intro guitar music]

G: Hello, it's Grey.

C: Hello, it's Crystal.

G: And this is Busty Asian Beauties, a Supernatural commentary podcast where I, someone who has seen this show many, many times...

C: And I, someone who only knows the show through social media, discuss every single episode of Supernatural from start to finish. Also, we are both Asian.

G: Both Asian! For today's episode, we will be discussing Season 5, Episode 6: "I Believe the Children Are Our Future," written by Daniel Loflin and Andrew Dabb, directed by Charles Beeson. Loflin/Dabb!

C: Yeah. Well, soon, they will do a terrible thing to us. [laughs]

G: When soon?

C: When's "Hammer of the Gods"?

G: Oh my god, you're right! It is- they are “Hammer of the Gods.” [C laughs]

C: Yeah, I mean, that is what I primarily think of them as.

G: They will do two episodes first before they do "Hammer of the Gods."

C: Okay. Alright. I'll work up to hating them, then. [G: Yeah.] We finally get a proper Sam mirror episode. It's been so long!

G: Literally. What if there was a mirror held up in front of San Winchester? [C: What if?] And it's so fun! You know what? I solemnly- I will say this. I'll put this on the record. This is a good Supernatural episode. [C: Mm.] Do you agree? Disagree? What are your thoughts?

C: Yeah. I think I generally liked it, but I think that some of the stuff they said wasn't making any sense, like, especially at the end.

G: Well, that's why I said it's a good Supernatural episode. [C laughs] Like, it's not a good- I think it could be a good episode, but I'm not going to make that stance. Like, I'm not gonna die on that hill. But I am gonna die on the hill of it being a good Supernatural episode. Like, it has all the makings of Supernatural. It's not, like, trying something new or different. It's just Supernatural as what it does, and it does a good job of it! I think it's a fine- it's a wonderful Supernatural episode!

C: He didn't even leave a note with his birth mom. Where did she go after that?

G: I have no idea. It is crazy that she was a person, and then turns-

C: Yeah, and then she gets possessed, and then she's just passed out in a chair for the rest of the episode.

G: She was a person, and her backstory is about how traumatizing it was to be possessed, and then at the end of the episode, she gets possessed, and then she is treated like every other person that was a vessel in Supernatural that isn't a main character. [C: Yup.] And it's like, well, mm.

C: Yeah, literally, it's like, "It was so terrible to be used only for my body, and I'm still dealing with the repercussions of that," and then at the end, they just treat her like a body as well. [G: Yeah.] Good job, writers.

G: And, like, they didn't even think about taking her to Bobby's as well or giving her a damn amulet? [C: Tattoo?] Yeah, I don't know. Giving her Bobby's hat? Like, you haven't thought of this?

C: [laughs] Exactly. Also- yeah, whatever, we'll get into it later. The conversation on the car made no sense. [laughs]

G: I completely zoned out in that part because I was like, "What the fuck are they talking about?"

C: "What the fuck are you talking about?" [laughs]

G: But okay. [laughs] "I wish Dad didn't tell us things when we were kids." What?? Okay.

C: "I wish, instead, he lied about how jacking off makes hair grow on your palms." [laughs] Like, no, you don't!

G: Well, first, what did you know about this episode before going in ?

C: Just so that this is gonna be with an Antichrist kid named Jesse, and Cas wants to kill him, [G: Feminist!] and then he just turns Cas into an action figure, [G: Also feminist.] and then Dean will ask if he can bring him back 'cause Cas is like, his friend.

G: "It's my buddy Cas." Yeah.

C: Yeah, "He's kind of a buddy of mine."

G: Ah, lovely! I think I've said this before, but this is another one of those episodes where Cas is in it, but also, like, not really.

C: Yeah. They do action figure him.

G: Like, he is in it. Yeah, they put him in the bank vault by turning him into an action figure. [C: Exactly.] And like, he is relevant, but also like, what I mean is in future seasons when he becomes more of a "there's a plot A/plot B happening in this episode, and he's plot B" kind of situation, or sometimes even plot A. And in the future, I would say, [laughs] I'm premonitioning that I would say that, "Oh, I miss when Cas was just like, in an episode that's just like, his role is just bullshit. He's just in there." [C: Uh-huh.] And because it adds to the vibe of the show that they just have this buddy that like, shows up sometimes, and it's no big deal. I mean, it is a big- you know what I mean, right? Like, it's no big deal to the show. Instead of like, every time he shows up, it has to be because of a big plot reason or a big character reason. And it makes the show feel smaller, makes the word feel smaller, because every time he's here, it has to be a big deal by the episode. And now it's like, "He's here. It's not that big of a deal." And that's wonderful to me! [laughs]

C: Uh-huh. Happy for you.

G: I would admit, though, for a substantial amount of time before he shows up- I mean, I knew he was gonna be here- I was just thinking, "When's Cas gonna show up? When's Cas gonna be here?" So I don't know. It's a double-edged sword.

G: Well, we start with the "Then" sequence that was so ominous. I was half-scared that Sam and Dean are gonna have a big fight again because it starts with "You chose a demon over your own brother!" [C laughs] and I was like, "I thought we were past this! I thought we were past this." We are. We are. In the episode, it's not, like, brought up. It's just- I don't even know why.

C: We're so past this that they're working as a team so hard that they refuse to split up, which I think is like, [laughs] a large issue during a lot of the episode.

G: Why? Why do you think so? They split up in the hospital. Sam went to a different floor, and Dean went to a different floor! [C laughs] That's splitting up.

C: I feel like one of them should have stayed with Jesse, [G: That's true.] and one of them so should have stayed with his mom or something. I feel like that would have solved most problems.

G: No, yeah, you're right. But they did split up! Don't peddle lies in this podcast.

C: Different floors of the hospital, I don't think counts. [G laughs] Split up as in different buildings, at the very least.

G: Well, okay, alright. But the ominous tone doesn't really continue into the episode. Actually, a substantial amount of the episode was light. Was like, trying to be funny. Yeah. So there was, I suppose, like, some idea that this could be- like, they bring up the trickster, blah blah blah. But you know it's not gonna be, like, that, because it's not in the "Then" sequence. [laughs]

C: They bring it up 'cause "Changing Channels" is coming, like, up so soon, they want to remind people about Gabriel, right?

G: You're right. When is "Changing Channels"? When do we change our channels?

C: I think it might be like, literally next.

G: Oh, it's 5.08. So it's near.

C: Okay, so in 2.

G: It's near, it's near. You're right, actually! That's true. "Then" sequence ends with Sam and Dean reconciling. Wow! "[dramatically] We're gonna go down fighting. We're just gonna grab onto whatever it's in front of us," and it's like, this could be from any episode. [C laughs] [C: It could be.] This could be literally from any fucking episode, but alright.

C: They say this constantly. Also, you didn't beat up this child, so I think you were lying?

G: I think Sam was lying.

C: Yeah, something to think about.

G: I think Sam is of the perspective that they're the good guys and they don't kill children because of that. [C laughing] But like, he also said that they would just grab onto whatever's in front of us, so.

C: Yeah, and then kick its ass. Soo yeah. Interesting, Sam. Interesting.

G: Yeah. Bit hypocritical from Sam Winchester.

C: What do you have to say to the people of the USAmerica about this?

G: And the Philippines, even.

C: And the Philippines. I guess nothing, 'cause it's not on Netflix for you guys.

G: Yeah! Can you- why? Put Supernatural on Netflix.

C: It's so that he wouldn't have to be liable for his lies to the people of the Philippines. [G laughs]

G: This is the real reason, the only reason. But it would be awfully convenient, and maybe we would even get it a Tagalog dub, on Netflix! so I don't have to hound whoever has ever worked in TV5 for the fucking Tagalog dub. Again, if you know any way that I can access that fucking dub, I want it very much. Thank you.

The episode starts. We've got, like, a young lady. She's going to be revealed to be babysitting in a while. Or, I don't know. Is it called babysitting if it's not a baby?

C: Yeah, it's still called babysitting.

G: Okay. This is like, really popular in the US. [C: Yeah.] Did you ever get one? Is that like, something for you?

C: No, I never got one.

G: Okay, it's like, a specific demographic. [laughs]

C: I always had a parent- Well, I think it's just like, how many of your parents work, what hours they work, [G: Ah.] how much money they make so they can get a babysitter. And then, I don't know. I think sometimes people will get a babysitter when they want to go on like, dates with their partner or something, and so they're leaving the kids alone at night? [G: Yeah.] It's also if your parents don't have friends that they can leave you with, I suppose. [laughs]

G: Yeah. Like, you just go to your aunt's house, or you go to your neighbor's house for the afternoon or whatever. She's babysitting, and she is, you know, she's brushing her hair while sitting in front of this television, very close to the TV, and she's watching and watching. And she is wearing a typical Supernatural outfit and in a typical Supernatural house with typical Supernatural lighting. And all I could think of was like, can you believe that she's not, like, "I'm in a Supernatural episode!" that it looks like this. Like, girl, be fucking for real right now. [C laughs] I can't believe people on television don't realize that they're on television! Like, bro, you're literally in Supernatural! Also, isn't it so odd that they just never change fashion styles in this show? [laughs] I mean, is it odd, or that's just how it is?

C: True. It's been a few years.

G: It's been a few years, and it will continue to be a few more years, and the look of the outfits will never change.

C: Really? No one changes their outfits? Wow!

G: No, I don't think so.

C: Maybe the costume department just bought like, things in bulk in, like, 2005, [both laugh] and they're just slowly working through it.

G: For real. Eventually, she hears, like, some rustling, some bustling, and she realizes that, oh, something's happening. She goes to the closet. She opens the closet door, and there's a kid there. And he's like- he has stuff in his head.

C: He's wearing one of those hats that's like, half of an arrow on each side, so it looks like it went through your head.

G: And he has a quote "bloody" face. And I didn't realize that this was a trick at first, so I was like, [C: Oh, I don't think you're supposed to.] yeah, I was like, "What an interesting turn of events that this girl is a serial killer!" [both laugh] 'Cause she opens it, and she's like, "Ugh, come on!" I was like, "Oh my god! She killed this kid! Wonderful!" [C: Yeah.] But no, she did not kill this kid.

C: No, she's gonna die instead. It's very sad.

G: Yeah. Very sad. [laughs] The child should have died? Is that what you're saying, Crystal? The child should have died?

C: Babysitters are often teens as well. I don't know how old she is. [G: This is true. Or is it?] She could be a child who died.

G: Why are you making a child watch over your child? And pay them to-

C: That's just how it is.

G: Just let them be by themselves, just like Jesse later. [C laughs]

C: Yeah, I mean, Jesse is a pretty good kid. Like, he may have caused many problems, but that wasn't on him.

G: [laughs] It literally isn't. But yeah, she tells the kid to go to bed, and then the kid is like, "Well, before I go to bed, can I touch your boob?" [C: Boo.] Or something like that. And I'm like, "Ugh. Annoying. But also, this kid will be traumatized to hell and back later, so."

C: Yeah, no, it's just an annoying thing to put in because I feel like the hot babysitter is, like, such a trope. [G: Overplayed trope.] Yeah, and it's overplayed. And I hope that it hasn't led to more babysitters getting sexually harassed, but it probably has if like, you're a young kid who doesn't know shit, and you're watching TV, and there's more hot babysitter tropes in front of you all the time. [G: Yeah.] So yeah, it's annoying for that reason.

G: He goes out, she stays downstairs, she continues brushing her hair. She sees something outside. She looks out the window. It's, you know, like, it's a whole thing. And then, when the family shows up, well, the mom and dad, she's like, on the couch, and she's sleeping, and the TV is all buzzy. And the dad is like, "Okay, don't wake up. I'm just going to get her home, or whatever."

C: Which implies that she can't drive, right? So she probably is a teen.

G: What is the driving age? Is it also 21?

C: 16.

G: What the fuck? Wait, so your drinking age is-

C: Some people get their licenses- Yeah, the drinking age is 21. Driving age is 16. And you're right. You can probably kill a lot more people by driving than by drinking.

G: Well, at least you're not gonna be drunk driving.

C: [laughs] That's true. Yeah, I guess the point is for you to get a few years of getting good at driving, so that when some people inevitably drunk drive, they'll be, like, better at it. [laughs]

G: Yeah, except you and I are never gonna- [laughs] you and I are never gonna drive ever, probably. Do you have a driver's license? You do-

C: I have a driver's license.

G: That's crazy! That is so against my perspective of you as a person! [C laughing]

The dad tries to wake her up. She's not waking. When he moves her head over, he feels it's wet, and so he puts his hand under the lamp. It's bloody! He turns her over fully, and her entire side of her head is clawed open. Wonderful, honestly! [C laughs] Like, it looks like it has sloughed off, and I think the visual effect is very nice.

C: [laughs] He ruins it by shouting, "Francine!" I think it's crazy that people are named Francine. Good for them.

G: Hey, Francine is a fine name!

C: Yeah, I think it's just from, like, a different decade in the US, but this woman is from a different-

G: It's not! I have many friends- I know many people my age named Fran-

C: I said US!

G: Okay, fine.

C: We are in the morgue, and Sam and Dean are being FBI agents. My god, does the transcript usually say "Dean and Sam" instead of "Sam and Dean"? Like, I saw that, and I was like, "Something's wrong with this." Has this been like, a pattern?

G: I think it depends. I'm not particularly sure, although the technical, correct way to do it is "Dean and Sam" because of the order of letters.

C: Wait, like, you're usually supposed to list it in alphabetical order?

G: I mean, I usually do, yeah. Well, when it's names, like, when it's two names like this-

C: Well, you said "technically correct." Like, what's the technicality?

G: I don't know. I don't know! Don't ask me those kinds of questions! [both laughing]

C: [laughing] But you just said! Okay.

G: Yeah, they do Led Zep names this episode, and you know what? [C: What?] I think it's better when I don't recognize the names. I think it's so annoying when I do. I'm like, "Shut the fuck up!" [laughs] [C: Real.] You think you're so clever, Robert Plant? Like, shut the fuck up, Sam.

C: "We're Agents Will and Wood."

G: [laughs] Yeah, exactly.

C: They're asking to see Amber, the babysitter's, body because apparently, something clawed through her skull. Apparently, the autopsy report that he emailed out this morning- [laughs] Sam said they had no bars so they didn't get it [G laughs] [G: No bars.]- is that they found one of her acrylic nails, which I did notice, they're very beautiful during the opening sequence - they found one of them lodged inside of her temporal lobe, [G: Truly a shame.] which means that she literally scratched her brains out, and this is something that is apparently technically possible. The doctor drops a little ableist line about, "Oh, like, the reason she did it was OCD or PCP, but it all spells crazy." Did they think this was like, funny?

G: I don't know, or, like, the doctor is like-

C: Is it that the doctor's an asshole? What are they trying to establish here?

G: Well, because we're supposed to think the doctor is stupid for saying this because we know that's not true, [C: Right.] I think.

C: So yeah. Alright. Okay. Well, I'm still looking with reproach. [G: Yeah.] And he says that it's probably like, something like a phantom itch where you just can't stop scratching. And then, yeah, that's the end of that scene. But Sam and Dean [laughs] both sort of scratch themselves a little because they are now finding itchiness within themselves.

G: I would say also that the director- like, the way this episode is directed, I quite like. There's one scene that is viciously bad [laughs]- I'll point it out later.

C: I think there's multiple scenes that have Robert Singer-worthy zooms or cuts. [G laughs]

G: But in general, I quite really like the way the episode is directed. Like, the way they pull out the body, and then the shots of Sam and Dean’s face, the shot of the hand missing the nail. Like, all of it does look quite cinematic, I believe. And it's like, one of those- this is one of those episodes where, like, in my head, again, when I think of, like, Supernatural aesthetics, I'm like, "Oh, that's one." Which is like- 'cause usually, those are Season 1 episodes when I think of it, right? Like, if you think of Supernatural aesthetic, you're thinking of Season 1, so this one- I don't know. It doesn't look like Season 1, but it has a vibe to it that I like. It's nice. I like this episode. Sometimes, I like episodes. Who'd have thunk? Well, I mean, everybody, because apparently I've liked [laughs] every single episode of Season 5 so far, so.

C: Yeah, you have.

G: So we go to the house that she was in when she died, and I was like, "Well, that's interesting [laughs] that they're interviewing these people and not other people." Like, I don't know

C: What people?

G: Like, her parents, I feel like that would be- But it's because they are suspecting the place, not the general- before. Or are they?

C: Yeah, I think if that you're thinking about ghosts and shit, then you assume [G: You are suspecting-] it's place-based.

G: Yeah. They're interviewing the family of the house she was in, and Sam prefaces the question with, "This may seem odd," which is- why did they not just do this every single time? Like, "Hey, we're going to be asking odd questions, but stick with us." I feel like that is going to make people more willing to be like, "Well, that's an odd question. Let me answer it," than fucking, "Um, so, does it smell weird in here?"

C: Sometimes it makes you like- prefacing it with "Uh, this might be weird" makes you, like, realize that things are weird faster, though? Like, maybe in the past, they were hoping that people would just answer questions without thinking about it much.

G: Yeah, okay. I just cannot stop thinking about the people that like, Sam and Dean interview as FBI agents, and they think that the FBI is on their case, but they're not. [C laughs] And like, for some people, that would be an incredibly devastating blow, I think.

C: Yeah. Yeah, I mean, they really don't circle back. Like, this kid is going to spend the rest of his life thinking that he killed his babysitter.

G: Yeah, 'cause she's dead, so she hasn't been restored.

C: Yeah, she's the only one who wasn't, like, brought back by Jesse.

G: Well, there was the guy who got electrocuted.

C: Oh, yeah. Two people. That kid and that retiree are both going through it.

G: And the ham. [C laughs]

C: And the ham! Jesse brings it back as a pig.

G: Yeah, exactly. Sam asks about cold spots or, like, strange smells, blah blah blah. Meanwhile, Dean is separated from Sam! [C laughs] and is like, walking around the house, looking at stuff.

C: In the open floor plan, so there's not even a door between them, yes. [G laughs]

G: Well, and Dean sees the kid, and he goes towards him and asks him about stuff, and he tries to connect. And I do find this interesting because, you know, usually, when they have kids, they do have Dean try to connect with the kid. I feel like earlier seasons, it was easier for him to do so. As he grows older, I think it becomes more difficult to the point of, when he's older, he's being made fun of kids more than [C: Good.] connecting with them.

C: I mean, also, like, he's an FBI agent here, right? [G: Yeah.] Like, in the past, he wasn't pretending to be an FBI agent when he was interviewing kids. Like, that puts up barriers between your ability to connect.

G: So what he does here is talks to the kid. He tries to connect with being like, "Oh, yeah, I had a babysitter. Not good."

C: Named Miss Chancy, which is also- it's an interesting name. I just feel like Francine and Miss Chancy are both, like, I don't know who came up with these names. [G: Yeah.] Someone's having like, a weird British face.

G: [laughs] Francine is not British. Francine- "Francine." How do you say it in a British accent so I can visualize? Frahncine.

C: I don't know.

G: See? It doesn't work.

C: I mean, Clara is Clahra in British. Like, they can- you can fuck with the vowels. [G: Francine.] Francine is French, though, so the British would not want it.

G: This is true, so see, it's not British. No one's having a British phase.

C: Yeah, fine. They're having a Europe [both] phase.

G: Dean asks if he saw anything strange that night, and the kid keeps on denying, keeps on denying. And Dean does something that is so threatening, which is he puts his hand on this kid's shoulder and goes, "I happen to know you're lying. Either you tell the truth, or I'm going to have to take you downtown," like, to the precinct is the implication, which is like crazy! [C: Bro.] I mean, the fact that he was like, "I'm gonna try to connect with this kid!" Doesn't work. "I'm going to fucking arrest you." [laughs] that is like, okay!

C: Yeah. I mean, this episode is the one where Dean completely fails at connecting to kids. 'Cause, like, the kid of the day is a Sam mirror, and he doesn't understand that. [G: Yeah.] So it's just a precursor to that.

G: There is something to me about how Sam, when he saw Jesse making-

C: Yeah, he went, "You are my mirror. I am your mirror. Let us hold hands."

G: No, when he saw Jesse making soup, he goes, "I used to make lunch or dinner for myself all the time." [C: Dinner.] 'Cause me, physical manifestation of Dean Winchester, as we have established, [C laughs] my first immediate thought was, "Oh, Dean used to make that for him and Sam." [C: No.] So I think, perhaps, that would also be Dean's like, reaction. But vs Sam-

C: I'm sure that Sam also made his own dinner.

G: No, no, no, no versus Sam- like, I'm sure it happened. But in terms of conceptualization of the past, like, it is fascinating to me that for Dean, which- this is something I completely made up in my head, so maybe it's not even true, but I think it is - [C: Yeah, we don't know what he's thinking.] he probably conceives it as him and Sam- him making something for Sam. Versus Sam, who conceives it as, like, by himself. "I'm making dinner for myself."

C: As in like, he didn't share with Dean? [laughs]

G: No, no, no. He probably remembers the stuff when it was just him more. And like, it's about the prevalent memory in your head of your childhood. And I was like, "That's interesting that Sam said that, and therefore betrays a prevalence of memory in his head." [C: Yeah.] Like, it's not about what actually happened, because again, I'm sure both things did happen. It's more of like, "What do you remember?" But that's for fucking later. Here, they go out, and Dean relays to Sam that the kid put itching powder on the hairbrush of the babysitter. [C: Yeah.] So that's crazy!

C: Why?

G: That's crazy.

C: I don't know. Kids just do things, I guess.

G: Yeah. Well, Dean did put that whoopee cushion.

C: A whoopee cushion is just like, an embarrassment thing. Itching powder is meant to cause you physical distress.

G: Yeah, this is true. This is true. That is one of the, I think, worst things you can do as a prank to someone. Like, in in terms of the general prank items that you can do. That's like, up there as like- because it lasts for a long time in theory. And if you have sensitive skin, it can do real, long damage for you. But whatever. This kid is going to be- again, this kid's kind of a dick, but [laughs] is also gonna be traumatized for the rest of his life, so.

G: They get a call, and they go to a hospital where a guy got electrocuted. [laughs] Because there's like, a retiree, like, an old man who they talk to. And he says he was joking around, he was feeling goofysilly, and he shook this guy's hand with a, like- What is this? Like, a little electric buzzer or something?

C: It's called a joy buzzer, it says, yeah.

G: Yeah. But what is it? It's supposed to give you a little shock, right?

C: Yeah, but there's no actual electricity. It just, like, moves around a lot, so, like, it feels like vibrations from a shock.

G: Oh. Why is it called joy buzzer?

C: 'Cause it causes you joy to buzz somebody. [laughs] That does sound like a vibrator, though.

G: Yeah, well, it does. And Sam and Dean are curious as to how this is. There's this scene where Dean puts on goggles, puts on gloves, puts on- like,makes a show of putting on safety gear, and then he holds the joy buzzer and then presses it into a piece of ham.

C: Sam also puts on the goggles and the safety gear!

G: [laughs] No! Does he really? [C laughs] That is so funny! They're cooking ham. They're cooking. He electrocutes this fucking ham, and it goes from completely uncooked- or, I don't know. Can a ham be completely uncooked? Don't you smoke that shit? How does ham work?

C: It is cured in some way. I don't know.

G: 'Cause ham can just be the cut, also, like, I think. Or is it specifically-

C: Well, there's cooked ham, and there's uncooked ham. [G laughs] So you're probably thinking about the cooked ham.

G: Yeah, well, it's an uncooked ham, and now it's cooked! Now they have a cooked ham. And Dean is like, "Wow, this thing doesn't even have batteries. It's not even supposed to do anything." And they're like, "Are we looking at cursed objects? What are we looking at? Is there a witch?" And throughout all this, Dean has pulled out a knife and is [laughs] eating the ham. And they make a point of it throughout the rest of this episode where he keeps on eating the ham, and the and Sam being like, "Eugh, Dean. Why are you eating the ham still?" Those two items don't come from the same place, like, they were not produced in the same place, but they come from the same store.

C: They're at this prank store. They're browsing. Dean picks up a whoopee cushion, which will come back later. They're under the impression that the owner is a powerful witch, so they question him. Dean buys the whoopee cushion, and it becomes clear that the owner is upset that kids don't really buy things here because they just care about "iPhones and those kissing vampire movies." Last episode, there was also like the "Millennials don't care about wax museums, but I'm gonna get them in through Paris Hilton," right? [G laughs] Like, sort of a streak of "kids these days on they damn phones."

G: Yeah. And are they being for real?

C: What?

G: Like, what is the show intending for this to be- again, like, same question you asked with the doctor earlier. Like, is this supposed to be like, "Haha! That's so true." or "Haha! That's so stupid."

C: I think it's like, "That's so true, but prank stores and wax museums are loser behavior." [G laughs] So it's funny that this person's complaining about it because of course an iPhone is better than a wax museum.

G: Yeah, and also kissing vampire movies.

C: Sam and Dan are sort of egging him on, like, "Oh, aren't you mad about that?" He's like, "Yeah, yeah! I am!" "Don't you hate them?" "Yeah, I do!" And then Dean goes, "So you're taking revenge with this!" and then he electrocutes a rubber chicken.

G: God. That place is gonna smell like fucking plastic forever.

C: Yeah. When a revenge brother meets a not revenge brother, this is the inevitable conclusion. But the chicken is a melted puddle. It's pretty nasty. And the guy, the owner, he's screaming. He's jumping back. He's like, "Oh my god, what the fuck!" So then, Sam is like, "Yeah, no, I don't think this guy is a witch," and Dean goes, "Sorry!" and then they go, with the whole rubber chicken still melted on the counter.

C: Now we are in a girl's bedroom. I don't think this child actress is very good, but she is a child actress, so I get it. She's just lost a tooth, and her dad is putting it under the pillow and telling her about the Tooth Fairy. And she goes, like, "So some freak is gonna come in my room while I'm sleeping and take my tooth? Sounds scary. No thank you."

G: She's so real for that.

C: After he falls asleep, she goes into his room and then hides her tooth under his pillow. Later in the night, somebody comes into the bedroom. It is the Tooth Fairy represented as like, a man with a beard wearing a pink tutu and sparkly wings. And he's being all menacing, and he has a pair of pliers, and he starts pulling out the dad's teeth. I have two questions about the Tooth Fairy. Okay, 'cause these are, like, what Jesse's parents told him, right? So like-

G: Yeah. So they were like, "Don't expect a coin because-"

C: Yeah, "The Tooth Fairy only wants alive teeth!" [laughs] Like, why would they say that? I don't know. These parents, like, we don't meet them, and, like, something is deeply wrong with them as people [laughs] based off of what happens this episode.

G: No, yeah. We don't ever meet them. And like, I don't know. It is fascinating, again, to me that like- I was gonna bring it up earlier. We don't meet the babysitter's parents. We meet the family that's already there for casting reasons, I suppose. And here, too, like, we never meet the parents, again, I think, for casting reasons.

C: I mean, we see them asleep in the bed. They had to cast somebody for it.

G: Yeah. But speaking lines are lot more expensive than somebody standing there or lying down there, I suppose.

C: But yeah, I don't know. It's confusing. And also, I don't know why the Tooth Fairy is portrayed like this, like, physically. 'Cause like, I think when we got to the part of the episode where like, Jesse's- I was watching this with Danica also. When we got to the part of the episode where Jesse was like, "Oh, that's what my parents said, like, the Tooth Fairy looks like."

G: Like, why did your parents say that?

C: Danica was like, "Oh, he's about to say something so homophobic," [laughs] but then they move on. [G: Yeah.] But like, I wonder if that was what the point was.

G: Oh, because fairy is a slur?

C: Yeah, like, if the dad was like, "Oh, fucking fairies" or something, you know, like- 'Cause typically, the Tooth Fairy is portrayed as a woman.

G: It could be like- Yeah, it could be like, if the dad's homophobic and calls gay people "fairies," that he just associates it-

C: Yeah, it's like, a guy with a beard, and he's like, "Oh, so that's what the Tooth Fairy looks like." Also, I don't know why I said "dad." Moms can be homophobic, too. #Equality.

G: [laughs] #Equality and feminism.

C: Yeah, I just feel like I've only heard "fairy" used by like, men. Like, I feel like- but like, yeah. Women can use slurs too. #Feminism.

G: I've only heard "fairy" used by Dean Winchester. [laughs]

C: Exactly!

G: Yeah. Guy's guy, that guy.

C: Yeah, yeah. I think, given that, like, Supernatural, the show, thinks that the sentence "fight the fairies" would immediately make you think of homophobia, like, maybe they were trying to go for something like that there, but they just didn't follow through entirely.

G: Well, thank god.

C: Because Jesse still has to love his parents or whatever.

G: Jesse still has to love his parents, and also, we're supposed to think he's like, a niceys kid with just misconceptions.

C: I don't think he's not niceys- Like, you could have misconceptions because your dad keeps saying "fairies." You don't have to be homophobic yourself.

G: Yeah, and also, it's not like, a homophobic-

C: Why did I say "dad" again? Your parent. [G laughing]

G: We are exposing our prejudices. Is that how you pronounce it? Prejudices. Prejudices? Whatever. We're exposing that here in this podcast episode.

C: This guy is still alive, but he's in the hospital, so Sam and Dean go interview him. Sam's doing his job, whereas Dean is being the most annoying guy you'll ever meet. He's flirting with a nurse, and like, he goes like, "I appreciate that, Nurse..." and then the transcript says that he reads her name tag. He does not just read her name tag. It is clipped, like,at her waist, and he picks it up, [G: Grabs it, yeah.] and like, pulls it towards him. Like, if anyone tried to do that, I would kill them, probably.

G: Yeah, but this person seems to be liking it.

C: Yeah. So maybe Dean's just picking up on signals or whatever.

G: Yeah. I mean, we've had this discussion wayyy back when we were still doing the per person Sam and Dean misogyny accounts. [C laughs] Can you believe that such a time has existed? What what an era in that point! Like, one time, we gave Sam 5 points, [C: Yeah.] and apparently, Samgirls were really mad at that. [C: Yeah.] So that's wonderful. [C: Wonderful!] My point here is we said, way back then, that flirting doesn't count. Well, it depends on the flirting.

C: Yeah, I don't think flirting counts, but yeah, I don't know. I just think that any flirting move that involves like [G: The office.] someone's name card at their waist, like, outside the door of like, a hospital room while they're working should just be toned down. But yeah.

G: Well, at least he doesn't try to hit her up again, just jacks off about it.

C: God. Why did they put that in? [G laughs]

G: What do you mean? Like, what do you mean? Is it a distasteful joke?

C: No, but it's like, 'cause it just doesn't really have a point to it. [G: Yeah.] It's not like later, they ask the kid, "And what did your parents tell you about jacking off?" [G laughs] 'Cause like, that wouldn't be appropriate. But, like, they did-

G: Yeah, it's for the comedy, it's for the LOLs. There's no nothing to, honestly.

C: Also, like, he didn't know when Sam was gonna get back. Do it in the bathroom, at least. I guess we don't know that he didn't do it in the bathroom [G: Well, we don't know.] but like, yeah. I don't know. I don't know.

G: Jacking off is fine! is my hot take. [both laugh] Even if it gives you hair on your palms.

C: I mean, it is fine. It's just an odd thing to put in for no reason.

G: It is an odd thing. [laughs] I'm just going to agree with everything you say and also disagree.

C: So after the flirting's over, he rejoins Sam. What Sam found out was that the Tooth Fairy that got this guy was 5'10, 350 pounds, had wings and a pink tutu, and got in without triggering any alarms. And it left 32 quarters underneath his pillow, one for each tooth. Slay! [G: That's pretty fun. That's pretty fun.] That's like, $8. And Dean says that he found out that there's some kids in the hospital with stomach ulcers from mixing pop rocks and coke, and then another guy's face "froze that way." And the way was like, a very silly face. Dean seems worried [overlapping] that it's gonna stick for him as well, yeah. Sam just doesn't really know how to put these together, and then Dean says that when he was a kid, he thought that sea monkeys were real. "I like, fully believed all the ads that they were like, basically people and shit." And Dean says, you know, like, maybe, like, the connection is that everything that's happened is a lie that kids believe. And Sam says, "Okay, so like, it's coming true. Whoever's doing this reshapes reality. Like, they have the power of a god, or a trickster," 'cause you know, he's on that Sabriel brain. [G, laughing: Yeah. So true. "Or maybe it's a kid. Who knows?"

G: We're back at the motel, and Sam is entering it with like, he's done research, whatever. See? They separated. [laughs] [C: Mm.] I'm going to be so annoying for the rest of this episode regarding that. Dean is eating a sandwich, again with the ham. And yeah, Sam was like, "Dude, really? Still with the ham?" And Dean goes, "We don't have a fridge!" At what point are we going to talk about that? We promised to talk about Sam's vegetarian situation.

C: He's not vegetarian yet.

G: Yeah. When it happens, when it happens, we promised to talk about it. With Dean, have we talked about it? Like, his relationship with food.

C: Yeah, we talked about it.

G: Okay, I mean, it's just, your typical talking point. [laughs] It's because there are stuff here in the podcast that-

G: I know it's a popular talking point in the fandom [C: Thing that people in the fandom talk about, but yeah.], but it does make me feel like, "Oh, well, let's just acknowledge it that that's something that happens, but let's not get into it, because all that's been said and done has been said and done." Although, do we have listeners that are not like, particularly in the fandom?

C: I'm sure we do.

G: Are you sure?

C: Yeah, some people came over from RubbishPod.

G: Yeah, if you if you are here and you're not in the fandom, why? and thank you. And if you're here from RubbishPod, hwy? [both] And thank you. [C: Yeah.] So Sam relays what he has found, which is that he put the incidents on a map, and they form a circle. And in the center of that circle is like, a house with a field. Why did he have to go out to do this?

C: Sam? [G: Yeah.] Well, he needed to get, like, a physical map of the town.

G: This is true. You're right! He could've just Google Maps-

C: I don't know if they had Google Maps yet.

G: Dean, as you said earlier, goes, "We're in the circle, aren't we? Because..." and then he raises his hand, and there's hair all over his palm because he jacked off!

G: They go to the farmhouse. There is truly godawful CGI in this scene. [C: Where?] Like, it looks so bad. The Impala, like, pulls up in front of a house, and the way it's shot is like, the house is so obviously- so obviously green screen. [C: Oh!] Did you not notice? It stuck out to me so bad. [C: No, I didn't.] And I was baffled, mortified, all the other adjectives about it.

C: I think I was still reeling from the the Dean masturbation joke. I was, you know, I was so emotionally distressed I didn't notice anything else. [laughs]

G: It is funny to me, because the whole time that they were walking towards it, I was just thinking, "How are they gonna cut away from this? How the fuck are they gonna cut away from this truly godawful scene?" And they did! Wonderful. Good for them. Yeah, they try to open the house, and Sam, like, picks the lock, but the door opens, and it's a little boy. Like, 9 years old is what they said, right?

C: How old is he supposed to be? Oh, is that what they said?

G: I think maybe 8 or something as such.

C: Who's telling their kids that jerking off makes hair grow on your palms when that kid is 8?

G: Oh, sorry. I watched a play earlier today, and the kid from that one was 8 years old. [laughs] This kid, I'm not sure. Probably 11. Probably older.

C: The conversation with Julia might say how long ago- Okay, he was born in 1998, the kid was, and this is too [both] 2009, so 11.

G: 11. Yeah. Just like-

C: Oh my god, just like Adam! [G: Just like Adam.] From Good Omens. I mean, there's a lot of, I think, Good Omens borrowing in this episode.

G: Oh, really? Can you name them?

C: No, I don't remember. [G laughs] I just remember having that thought.

G: So sad. You always need to bring your evidence. It's BABPod recordings. This is trial by fire.

C: That's true. It is.

G: He's a very- like, there is not an ounce of this kid that is not [laughs] aware of what's happening in his surroundings. Like, he's very like, "Okay, can I help you?" And Sam and Dean are like, "Hey, so what's your name?" And he's like, "Who wants to know? Can I see your ID?" And yeah. He's vigilant, is the term, about these things. [C: Yeah.] Which makes me wonder why. Like, is it, like, a social service thing? 'Cause he's obviously left alone a lot.

C: Yeah, probably. He shouldn't be left alone that much, so it's to prevent Child Protective Services from taking him away. Yeah, probably his parents trained him to do that.

G: And Dean even goes, at some point, like, "Come on, you can trust us. We're the authorities." Very threatening. Yeah, they eventually go in. The kid is boiling some soup. And Sam goes, "What's that?" [laughs] And Jesse realizes, just like us, that this is a stupid as fuck question, and he goes, "It's soup." [both laugh] But he says, "It's called soup," [C laughs] which is even funnier. Yeah. And he says, "You heat it up, and then you eat it." And Sam's like, "Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. But like, I used to make my own dinner too, when I was a kid." Oh, he's mirroring! He said, "I'll be your mirror." Jesse says, "Well, I'm not a kid," which, you know, Sam is immediately like, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, no, I know, I know." But he introduces himself as Robert. [laughs] Very fun.

C: I'm surprised that Sam got Robert Plant. Wouldn't Dean want that one?

G: Well, Robert Plant is the main vocalist, so probably Dean would want that. But Jimmy Page is, I would say, has a better- to me, he's a cooler guy to me. [laughs] [C: Okay.] So, I don't know. [laughing] And I am the physical manifestation of Dean Winchester.

C: Yeah. Or this is part of the "We have to work as a team." Dean's like, "[dramatically] You know what, Sam? This time, you can be Robert Plant!" It's nice that Sam has decided to mirror it up here. Like, he seems almost caught in the nostalgia sauce when like, Jesse reminds him that he's not a kid. [G: Yeah.] It's been a while since he's thought about his childhood, I feel like, just because the present moment is so intense.

G: The last time- Well, I mean he did think about his childhood in '21. 4.21. [C: Mm. This is true.] That's the reason, I think.

C: Eh, been a bit, but yeah.

G: Okay. Well, when has Dean thought about his childhood? Have we considered?

C: Who cares? [both laugh]

G: I care. I GAF. The thing is, Sam, I think, likes to think about his childhood, and Dean does not. [C: Does he?] It's probably complicated and often painful, but he does do it often, and we see him do it often. And it is- I cannot imagine a situation where Dean would, in his head- Like, I mean, I understand that like, it's not like Sam was choosing to do what was happening in 4.21, like, he wasn't choosing who to talk to, who will manifest as him and talk to him. But like, the fact that for him, it was a kid. Like, I cannot imagine any situation where Dean would- that Supernatural will that have that happen to Dean Winchester. Do you understand what I mean? Yeah.

C: Yeah, I mean, it's 'cause Sam as a kid had hopes and dreams, so there's something there.

G: Yeah. Versus Dean, that like- I think those hopes and dreams, no matter how much, you know, broken dreams, are they bad or are they something else, just like Bruce Springsteen -it's still something to look back on. Versus Dean, that I think has less of that as a child, and perhaps had a very miserable childhood, and even more so because he didn't have aspirations such as that. And so doesn't look back on it, like, a lot, though. A lot of the looking back that Dean does is like, he was already a pretty hefty teenager. [laughs] Hefty is such a funny word!

C: Hefty? What do you mean by hefty?

G: Like, he was already a grown teenager.

C: He's old, yeah, in "After School Special."

G: Because like, for me, teenagers are like, I feel like 13 to 15 is like, young- or like, 13-14 is young teenager, and maybe 15-18 is, like, older teenager. And he was already an older teenager in "Bad Boys," which is like, the big Dean Winchester's childhood episode, and he was already one also in-

C: [laughing] Played by a 25-year-old.

G: Played by a 25-year-old high school special. "After School Special." And, I mean, the shtriga episode, he was a kid there, but that's not a good flashback. Like, that wasn't him looking back with fondness to something or whatever. It was being reminded to him because of a case that, like, I think- in no situation would he rather remember it, you know? So yeah, I think those differences in how Sam and Dean viewed their childhood are interesting to me, and also it's so fun to me that I still remember the shtriga episode so well because of the "God, did John like leave them for bait?" thing. Yeah. [laughing] I don't recall literally any other monster on Supernatural, I think. Except for that one.

While Sam is looking- while Sam is connecting and mirroring, Dean is looking at like, the pictures on the fridge, and he, again, he sees the man with the wings and the tutu, and he's like, "Did you draw this?" And Jesse says, "It's the Tooth Fairy!" And Dean is like, "Oh, okay, so this is what you think the Tooth Fairy looks like, huh?"

C: Oh, wait, he says his dad told him about the Tooth Fairy, and that's probably why I kept saying "dad." [laughs] I'm not misogynistic.

G: [laughs] You are practicing equality.

C: Yeah.

G: Dean, is like, "Huh, okay." And Jesse goes, "What? Didn't your dad tell you about the Tooth Fairy?"

And Dean is like, “Ha! My dad told me different stories,” which comes up later in a big way. In a way that [C: Yeah.] I don't understand at all. [C: Not at all.] But alright. They start doing this thing where Dean would ask something that happened to those people, and Jesse would say what happened, so like, “Oh, what happens when you mix pop rocks and coke?” “Oh, you go to the hospital.” “Itching powder?” “You scratch your brains out!” and then Dean shows the thing, the joy vibrator. Was it the joy-

C: [laughs] The joy buzzer?

G: [laughs] The joy buzzer. And Jesse’s like, “Oh, you shouldn't do that. It can electrocute you,” and Dean says, “No, actually it can't. It's just a toy. It's harmless. It doesn't have batteries, it can’t shock you, see?” And then he [C: Literally insane.] buzzes Sam, and Sam was, of course, shocked by this.

C: In terms of his emotions. [G: Yeah.] But not physically.

G: [laughs] Not physically. And Dean is like, “See? I told you!”

C: In fact, the point is that he wasn’t shocked physically.

G: He wasn't physically shocked, but he had the shock, emotionally, of his life.

C: Of his life, yeah. And Dean presses it right to his chest, too. [G: Yeah, like, dude.] Bro, maybe do a finger, Sam can lose a finger if you're wrong. [G: Do a finger test for real.] You would murder him. I’m sure there’s a- do it to the fucking soup or something. But yeah, whatever.

G: Yeah. And yeah, as they're heading out, Sam is like, “Dude. What the hell?” Guess again. Dean’s like, “Well, I mean, I was right, though,” and he was.

C: Yeah. It’s fine when Sam does this, so I think for the sake of equality I need to be fine that Dean did this.

G: Yeah. #feminism.

C: [laughs] No, absolutely not. But yeah.

G: We need to stop joking about feminism. [laughs]

C: Yeah, it is a thing that we actually care about for real.

G: Yeah. Yeah, so they discuss, “Oh, everything he believes comes true, so what are they supposed to do?” “We're out of our depth,” blah blah blah. They need to investigate some more.

C: I just can't believe they figured out what was going on, and they just left instead of sitting the kid down and then being like, “Can you give us a list of everything your parents told you? And we'll tell you the truth.” Currently, they just corrected him on one thing. The next person to mix pop rocks and Coke is gonna die.

C: Anyway, in the motel, Sam comes in. He's been looking through records. He was adopted, and there's no listed father. But his biological mother is named Julia Wright, and she lives on the other side of the state. So they go there, and her house is kind of rundown. There's a No Trespassing sign, and when they ring the doorbell, the woman, Julia, does not open the door. She just tells them to go away. When they say that they’re FBI, she tells them to put their badges in the slot in the door first. [G: Yeah.] So yeah, clearly, very scared about something. And then when she finally opens the door, they say they have some questions about her son.

G: When she opens her door, there's so many locks to it, you hear she's unlocking everything, and it's like, click, click, click, click, click, click, which was a fun thing to- it's fun, the way they showcase it.

C: She denies having a son. But Sam says some more details about Jesse, and she's like, “Yeah, okay, what's up?” And Sam asks, “We were just wondering. Was it a normal pregnancy? Was there anything weird?” And she immediately starts running away from them and freaking out, and they follow her inside. And she starts throwing salt at them, but nothing happens, and she goes, “You're not demons?” And Dean says, “How do you know about demons?” So we get the backstory, and it's- I'm very sorry to this woman that this happened. She was possessed by a demon when she was younger, I guess 11 years ago, 12 years ago, and during that time, she was aware of everything that happened as the demon murdered people. Sam's quick to reassure her, like, “That wasn't you,” but it was still a terrible time for her. During that time, she picked up some information about demons. She knew that salt would hurt them, all that. It was in her head for 9 months, so she was possessed during the whole pregnancy and the whole birth. It was just a horrible time. But the demon was really happy to use her body to give birth to a child, but for a brief second, she was able to take control and poured a bunch of road salt down her throat, and it caused the demon to leave. And it left her with this baby that she sort of wanted to kill, but she didn't. She put him up for adoption. And Dean asks, “Who’s the father?” And she says, “I was a virgin,” which I guess means that there was no other physical human body involved in Jesse's creation, like [G: Yeah. It's the demon.] the demon was just able to do something. Yeah. I don't know, they show flashbacks of the pregnancy, too. So it's very- I don't know. You see her scream. It's all very disturbing, I suppose. She asks after Jesse, “Is he human,” and Dean goes, like, “His name is Jesse. He lives in Alliance, Nebraska, and he’s a good kid.” And then Sam and Dean just leave without telling her about anti-possession tattoos. [G: Literally!] They could have drawn one on her with a marker. That would have saved the whole situation, I think. Or devil's traps, or anything like that. Especially later, when Cas tells them like, “Oh, the demons are gonna be after this kid,” someone should have called her and told her something.

C: Danica and I often talk about how, like, if some hunters, if their only job was instead just to like, graffiti-tag places with, like, devil's traps and like, try to get anti-possession tattoos trending on TikTok, like, that would probably do way better than literally anything Sam and Dean do solo.

C: Dean says that they need help, and when they return to the motel, Cas is there! [G: Ah!] They called him.

G: He's so cute, too! He's so cute. He's extra cute this episode.

C: Yeah, it's to make up for the fact that all he does is be an asshole.

G: He tries to kill a kid, yeah.

C: [laughing] I was just thinking about him blaming Sam for the apocalypse, but you're right. He also tried to kill a kid. [laughs]

G: It is so funny, like, the entire time he was talking to Sam, I was like, "Rich for the guy who let Sam out."

C: Yeah, who opened the door! Like, come on. I mean, this is just the whole like, "Oh my god, Dean, you made me lose all my powers, 'cause you made me help you!" [laughs] Like, this is just him blaming everybody else for choices that he made and wanted to make. Though he didn't want to make the Sam choice to let him out of the room. [G: Yeah.] Cas says that "It's lucky that you found the boy 'cause we have to kill him." And Dean's like, "Cas." And Cas says that, you know, this child who's half demon and half human, is way more powerful than either. "You know him as the Antichrist." And then, you know, he sits down on the whoopee cushion, and it's just not particularly funny, but Dean goes like, "Who put that there?" [G laughs]

G: And Cas goes, "That was not me."

C: Okay, so you think this is funny.

G: Well, I think it's- I think they're cute. Like, the three of them. It's Team Free Will! Oh my god! It's Team Free Will.

C: It's true. It is Team Free Will.

G: And Cas tries to kill a kid. #TeamFreeWill!

C: Does try to kill a kid.He used his free will to try to kill a kid. Good for him. [both laugh] Wasn't this the scene where like, fucking Misha Collins was like, "I don't think this is, like, befitting of the dignity of an angel. [G laughs] I don't wanna do it."

G: Is that true?

C: Did I make that up? Maybe I made it up.

G: I don't think that's true. Maybe you thought it. Maybe [laughing] you're the physical manifestation of Misha Collins.

C: No, don't you dare say that! [G laughs] Jesse is not, like, Lucifer's son. He's just demon spawn, but also one of the devil's greatest weapons in the war against Heaven. And the demons are looking for him. Oh, this is the part. Dean says they lost him "because," and Cas says, "Because of the child's power, it hides him from both angels and demons. For now." And Dean says, "So, he's got like, a forcefield around him," and no! Dean, suspicion slides off him like whatever it is water slides off of. Know your lines better, bro! Soon, he's gonna get more powerful and more powerful until the demons notice him and "Lucifer twists him to his purpose. And then, with a word, he will destroy the host of Heaven." Cas goes, "We cannot allow that to happen." I thought we didn't really like the angels that much. Or at least Dean doesn't. But I guess Cas is an angel.

G: Because the angels here is Michael. So if it's Michael vs Lucifer-

C: Then vote third party! [laughs] But yeah, what's up?

G: If Lucifer is superpowered, then he could just easily defeat Michael. [C: Yeah, that's true.] Which means the Apocalypse would start earlier or whatever. I'm not sure the logic of this.

C: Yeah, I'm not certain. And then [laughs] Sam says the funniest line in the entire episode, like, I had to pause because I was laughing too hard. He goes, "Wait," and he stands up, and he goes, [both] "We're the good guys. We don't just... kill children." [both laugh]

G: Iconic!

C: Ha! Hahaha! Hahaha! Incredibly funny behavior. "We're the good guys" is such a funny- I just cannot imagine a scenario where I would say, "We're the good guys," or think "We're the good guys." It's just- whatever. You could just say, like, "I'm against killing children." You don't have to be like, "It's against my image as a good guy to kill a child." [laughs] Yeah, "I don't want to get canceled on Twitter over killing a child!" And Cas turns to him with a glare. He says, "A year ago, you would have done whatever it took to win this war." like, drinking demon blood, personally, not even doing anything to anyone else about it, is equivalent to killing an 11-year-old! And the thing is like, Sam was like, "I think Dean was right. I'm gonna turn back," like, the moment that he had to drink blood out of, like, a conscious, like, adult woman. Like, he would not have killed a child a year ago. Yeah. But Sam apparently is like, "This is a correct-"

G: Fair comparison, yeah.

C: 'Cause he just goes, "Things change." And, you know, tension is crackling non-sexually, sadly, and Dean sort of steps forward-

G: You think this is nonsexual tension? I was like, "When are they gonna hatefuck?"

C: You think it's sexual? Maybe it is. Maybe it is.

G: Maybe that's what makes them good in bed. [laughs]

C: Maybe it is! So Dean steps forward, and he sort of puts himself between them, and he puts a hand on Sam's arm, which I guess is, like, a nice sort of like- I can't tell if it's like a- I think it is probably a "I'm on Sam's side here" sort of gesture. So that's helpful. That's a that's a good turn of events. And he says, like, "We're not going to kill him. But we can't leave him here, either, so we'll take him to Bobby's. He'll know what to do." Can't they call Bobby and ask him what to do-

G: Right now? Literally.

C: - if Bobby will know what to do? And Cas goes, "You'll kidnap him?" which, like, literally. Like, literally. Good point.

G: He's like, "I can accept murder during children, but I draw the line at kidnapping them." [laughs] [C: Exactly.] And he literally does! He explains his reasoning too.

C: Yeah, he does. Good for him. Oh, Cas! In like, less than 10 years, you're gonna be such a good dad to the Antichrist Part 2.

G: Yeah, that is something that I thought about a lot this episode. Like, Jack. Like, this is the precursor to Jack. This is before Jack.

C: I miss Jack. I look forward to meeting them.

G: I do. I do miss Jack.

C: Cas, who has previously been using he/him pronouns mostly for Jesse, like, switches to [G: It, yeah.] it/its like, so fast, which I guess is just, you know, him trying to [G: Dehumanize.] convince them and also convince himself, yeah. He goes, "What's going on this time is what happens when this thing is happy. You cannot imagine what it will do when it's angry." And then he goes back to "him" where he goes like, "How will you hold him? With a thought, he could be halfway around the world." Foreshadowing! Dean starts with "So we-" but then Sam interrupts, and he goes, "So we tell him the truth. [G: Agh!] You say Jesse is destined to go dark side. Fine." Yeah. "So if we lay it all out for him: what he is, the Apocalypse, everything, he might make the right choice." Oh, Sam! Sam!

G: The thing about Sam is he thinks this is what happened with him, and he made the wrong choice. [C: Yeah.] But like, not everything was laid out for him!

C: Yeah, exactly. Like, he was not given the information. He was given false information on purpose from like, Cas [G: Yeah.] as well as, like, Ruby, and the rest of the angels.

G: And he was on the lookout, and he still got tricked.

C: Aw, Sam! It's a nice moment. But then, see, the thing is like, right, like, we said the point of it is that Sam says "We give him all the information" because the point is that Sam wasn't given all the information, but then Cas does the false equivalency thing again, and they don't seem to question it. At no point do they, like, actually make the connection that I thought they were trying to make, which is that Sam was not given all the information. [laughs] It's confusing. I don't know what they're going for, exactly.

G: Yeah. Well, Cas is being a hater is what they're going for.

C: Cas being a hater. Cas goes, "You didn't." Which, again, not the same situation at all. And he goes, "And I can't take that chance."

G: It is fun!

C: And then Cas immediately disappears.

G: It is fun that Cas doesn't have any pretenses about mirrors. Like, he knows exactly what Sam is doing here, and he's just like, "You're projecting." And he does it- you know, like, he does it- We've talked about how he always brings up John when he's talking to Dean, and he's talking about, like, God because he's like, "And that's the mirror in this situation!" Like, he loves to connect the dots, and he loves to be explicit about it. Good for him.

C: Yeah. Yeah. He'd be great at making parallels gifsets on Tumblr.

G: Literally! He should make AMVs. [both laugh]

C: Yeah. Cas can drop by. I'll show him how to use Vegas Pro 14.

G: I'll show him how to use Inshot. [both laugh]

G: So we go to Julia. She's just about to enter her house. Like, she has unlocked the doors and stuff, when suddenly, the mailman is in front of her. And she got surprised a bit. But this is obviously a guy she trusts, so she's like, "Oh, sorry I'm having a jittery day and all that." And the mailman is like, "Oh, yeah, that'll happen if you talk to the Winchesters," and it's like, "Ooh, this is a demon." And it is. And the mailman is saying like, "We've been watching you. You gave away the kid. We don't know where the kid was. But now we do, because the Winchesters told you blah blah blah. So now let's go to your kid." And then the demon possesses her. And oh, by the way, it's made explicit that this is the demon that was possessing her before.

C: Yeah. Yeah. It's quite bad. Like, they they do do a lot of the sexual assault imagery in the form of the possession, like, you know, he calls her "sweetheart," and he possesses her by bringing their mouths really, really close, so that the demon smoke can go into her mouth. It- yeah. Very sorry that this happened to her. [G: Yeah.] And again, I think it's fine that they did this. I think it's like, an interesting concept, and I think it makes sense to connect it to sexual assault. It's just that the fact that after this happens, like, she never gets to be conscious and speaking again. Like, that is the issue.

G: Yeah, like, I think it's interesting. Really. I really do. But-

C: I think it's a good plot. It's just that-

G: They don't follow through.

C: - they discard her immediately. Like, the narrative does.

G: Yeah. I feel like that is something this episode highly lacks. Like, I feel like a lot of stuff just don't have any good conclusion. [C: Yeah.] Like, Jesse is a good concept. Julia, good concept. Like, pretty much every- like, the case is a good concept. It's just all the followthroughs are like, "Okay, where are we now?" Cas. Cas doesn't even have like a, "Now I realize" portion. He's just like, "Okay, that's it. He's in Australia."

C: [laughs] 'Cause he didn't realize. He was like, "There's nothing we can do about it. I'd still kill that kid if I could!"

G: Yeah, he's like, "Ugh, dammit! I wanted to kill that kid so bad!" That was his realization.

C: Exactly.

G: Now we are at Jesse's house, and his parents are here now, but they're upstairs, asleep, and he's downstairs getting a fucking cup of water. And as he's walking out, [laughs] Cas appears, and he has his hand tucked away behind him. [both laugh] [C: So funny.] And I was like, "That's so cute! That's so cute." And then we-

C: Oh, you didn't know it was 'cause there was a knife?

G: And then we go have a shot of his back, and it's because he's holding a knife, and I was like, "Slay! Good for you, Castiel." [C: Good for him.] So he's like, "Oh, don't worry. Don't be afraid. I won't hurt you." Liar! Or maybe- Also, this is Ruby's knife.

C: Yes, yes, 'cause the kid is half demon.

G: So he stole it- [C: Yeah, he stole it.] Earlier, we see it on Dean, and the reason why I say this is because this was before they entered Jesse's house the first time. 'Cause it was just- the shot was just their bodies, right? So like, they're walking and walking, and somebody pulls aside his jacket, and you see the knife slung around his waist, and I was like, "Oh, that's so cool! Sam's carrying the knife, Sam's carrying the knife!" And then we pan up, and it's not Sam, it's Dean, and I was like, "Oh, okay. [C: Aw!] That's so sad." [laughs] But it also does mean that Cas stole it from Dean specifically, which is pretty funny to me. [C: Mm.] Well, he should have stolen it from Sam. [C: Should have.] Just another thing that he will never tell Sam about forever and ever. [both laugh] Yeah, maybe this is why Sam and Cas were never endgame. This is just not something they can get past.

C: The knife stealing that didn't happen?

G: No, you know what? The knife stealing that did not happen. They can never get past it. But also, like, [laughs] letting Sam out of that fucking room. [C: Yeah. That's fair.] It was the first betrayal.

Jesse calls for his mom and dad, but Cas is like, "Well, they're sleeping, and they won't be waking up anytime soon." [both laughing] God! To be fair- [laughing]

C: I love this guy.

G: To be fair, Cas looks apologetic, and he does say, "I'm sorry." He says, "I'm so [both] sowwy!" Sowwy! And then he raises his knife, and then, just as he is about to stab, Sam and Dean enter. And they ask, "Okay, is there a guy here with a trenchcoat?" And Jesse just points down, and there's a guy in a trenchcoat that's an action figure! [C: Fuck yeah.] And it's like, they really stylize this to hell and back. Like, the trenchcoat is so fluffy.

C: It's billowing, yeah. The face doesn't really look like Cas, though.

G: Yeah, I'll accept it. It's cute.

C: God bless.

C: Okay, so they're chatting now. Jesse asks Dean, "Was he-" like, Cas- "Was he your friend?" And Dean goes [G, laughing: And Dean denies it.], "No! No!"

G: [laughing] Just like Jesus. Denied like Jesus for fucking real.

C: Jesse goes like, "How did I do that?" And Dean starts off- like, Dean's strategy is just lying his entire ass off. And I think in certain situations, it would work. But because this is the Sam mirror episode, where it's like, you do have to tell this kid the truth, it doesn't eventually work out. [G: Yeah.] But at the beginning, Jesse seems kind of taken in by this story, where Dean says that he's a superhero-

G: Just like the X-Men.

C: "And Sam and I work for a secret government agency, so we're gonna take you to a hidden base in South Dakota, where you'll be trained to fight evil." Just like the X-men.

G: And also, he even says, "Bobby is in a wheelchair."

C: Bobby's in a wheelchair just like- Dr. X?

G: Yeah. That's the reference, right? [C: Yeah.] Or is it Magneto? I know nothing about the X-men.

C: I don't know. I think Danica said it was Dr. X or something. I'm gonna look it up.

G: Well, aren't they gay and dating?

C: Who?

G: Magneto and Dr. X. Yes or no. Let's answer this once and for all.

C: Oh, this is so horrible. I looked up "Dr. X images," and it's just porn. [both laughing] I fully should have foreseen this. Oh, okay.

G: It's Professor X!

C: Yeah, he's in a wheelchair. Professor X. I see.

G: Professor X x Magneto. Let's look it up. Are they in love?

C: I feel like we would know.

G: No, I'm pretty sure they're gay.

C: Like, for real?

G: Yeah. Oh, they're like, old besties. [laughs]

C: So, basically the same thing.

G: Yeah, they're old friends, just like, When Harry Met Sally.

C: Harry and Sally.

G: Yeah, okay, they're gay. We have decided once and for all. [C laughs] Congratulations to all Magneto x Professor X shippers.

C: And Dean says, "You'll be a hero. You'll save lives. You'll get the girl. Sounds like fun, right?" Dean Winchester-

G: Will say anything.

C: - What do you think that people want? I mean, maybe Jesse does want to get the girl, but I would not assume that that was a high priority for this 11-year-old who lives alone and all we know about him is that he thinks that itching powder will make you scratch your brains out. Yeah, Jesse, you know, again, seems to be taken in by this, but then suddenly, the demon who's possessing Julia, his birth mother, comes in.

G: Smashes open the door.

C: Flings Dean against the wall, yeah, flings Sam against the wall, says, "They're lying to you." and also tells Sam that like, under orders, it can't hurt him, but hurting Dean is encouraged. Slay. And Jesse yells, "Leave him alone!" The demon starts talking to him, saying that he has his father's eyes. Untrue. They're not completely black. [laughs] I don't know what you're talking about. The demon says, "I'm your mother." and "You're half human, half one of us." And Dean, who has completely given up the superhero gig, goes, "She means demons, Jesse!" The demon starts saying that the people who are Jesse's parents lied to him, and also probably don't love him because they leave him alone all day.

G: I mean, [laughs] they really do leave him alone all day.

C: Yeah, I wish- If we just had seen more interactions, I feel like we'd get a better handle on what kind of a parent-child relationship this is, and that would make more sense for Jesse's emotional journey, but we do not. [G: Yeah.] Alas. The demon says like, you know, "They lied about the Tooth Fairy and how your toys could hurt you and a bunch of other things. Everyone has lied to you, including Sam and Dean. They're not FBI agents, and you're not a superhero. Meanwhile you're powerful, and you can do anything you want. Everyone else treated you like a child, and they didn't trust you. But like, aren't you angry about that?"And Jesse causes, like, the fire in the fireplace to flare up, and the house is shaking. The demon says that Jesse should come with them and just start over in a world without lies. Which- isn't that something Jack does? [C: Yes.] Doesn't he make it so that no one can lie?

G: Exactly, yeah. [C: Yeah, yeah, I remember I read that.] He makes that a reality.

C: Yeah, so this really is the precursor to Jack.

G: God, and it's gonna be Season 13! It's gonna be so long!

C: So far in the future. The whole time, Dean's been yelling, like, "Hey, don't listen to her! Don't listen to her." And, you know, it's not working. But then, finally, Sam speaks, 'cause, again this is his mirror, and he goes, "She's right. We lied to you. But I'll tell you the truth. I just want to- tell-" [G laughs] And he's like, starting to get strangled by the demon. [G: Yeah.] But Jesse goes, [both] "Stop it. I want to hear what he has to say." Sam stands up, and he's very lovely. He apologizes for lying, he introduces himself properly. He says, "We hunt monsters," and then the demon just says, "Except when you are the monster, right, Sammy?" Completely unnecessary. Also, Dean did hunt him, honestly.

G: Yeah, what should be said here was, "Yeah. And that's why you're looking for this kid."

C: Yeah, like, "So you're gonna- So that's why you're gonna kill Jesse! Jesse, don't listen to him! He's gonna kill you!" Like, that's the obvious thing to say.

G: But they DGAF about that. I don't know. Some of the- again, some of the conclusions of this episode are mind-boggling.

C: Very strange, I agree. But Sam ignores the demon, and he says, "And that woman right there, her name is Julia, and she's your mother. But the thing inside of her is a demon." And, you know, the demon's still like, "He's not telling the truth. Don't listen to him." but Jesse forces the demon to sit down. And then Sam explains that there's a war between angels and demons, and Jesse is a part of it, and Jesse goes, "I'm just a kid."

G: Aw.

C: Aw. Were there times when you were a kid that you thought the sentence, "I'm just a kid," though? I feel like it's something that adults put on kids.

G: Yeah. Yes.

C: You have thought the sentence, "I'm just a kid?"

G: I think mostly when people say "That's just a kid" about other kids. And I'm like, "Well, me too!" So I don't know if this is an appropriate thing to think for Jesse, but it it seems to be something that has been on his head, like, being a kid and all that [C: Yeah, that's true.] because it was brought up earlier.

C: 'Cause, yeah, earlier, there was the whole like, "I'm not a kid" when Sam calls him a kid, and then the demon recently was like, "Everyone treated you like a kid." So yeah, I guess he has been chewing on that for a while, and he has landed on, "I am just a kid." Sam says, "You can go with her if you want. I can't stop you. No one can. But if you do, millions of people will die." And yeah, this is him just giving him the information and hoping that he'll make the right choice. It's nice. If this was an adult, they would have killed him by now, [G: Definitely.] but like, it is good to have different standards for adults and kids, I think. I just think that their standards for adults should be a little laxer as well. Jesse goes, "She said I was half-demon. Is that true?" And Supernatural, which cannot drop its biological determinism [laughs] for a single second, goes, "Yes, but you're half-human, too." Demons are also human. Like, they literally- [G: Yeah.] if we're gonna play on Supernatural's playing ground, demons were also human. I don't- whatever. It's fine. And also, obviously, just the biological determinism in general is dumb as fuck. Like, the only thing that the demon, like, "genetics" or whatever gave him was powers. It doesn't mean that you're an asshole automatically. [G: Yeah.] All of this was, like, created through trauma. He tells Jesse, like, "You can do the right thing, and you've got choices. But if you make the wrong ones, it will haunt you for the rest of your life." And Jesse goes, "You're trying to mirror me, aren't you?" [G, laughing: Yes. For real!] He goes, "Why are you telling me this?" And Sam says, "Yes, I'm trying to mirror you." 'cause he says, "Because I have to believe someone can make the right choice, even if I couldn't." You know what? Good for him. [G laughs] If him doing this is, like, helpful to Jesse, then there we go. [G: There we go!] Good for him. And Jesse thinks for a second, and then he demands that the demon possessing his birth mother gets out of her, and it does. And then Jesse is just standing there, and Dean goes like, "How'd you do that?" Jesse said, "I just did it." Dean goes, "Kid, you're awesome." He should have said, "Little boy? [both] Little boy?" [laughs] And yeah, Julia is passed out for the rest of the episode, as I've complained about multiple times, but I'll complain about it again. [G: Yeah.] What the fuck?

G: Yeah. Like, all we get from her is like, Jesse asking, "Is she gonna be all right?" And Dean being like, "Eventually." Which, like, let her speak for herself! [C: Yeah.] Give her a fucking tattoo!

C: Yeah. For real. Also, when Jesse leaves, is she gonna wake up in the house and the parents are gonna wake up with a note on Jesse's bed saying, like, "I left. Sorry." and there's this woman they've never met before- they're gonna think-

G: Maybe Castiel magicked her.

C: Yeah, maybe. I hope so. 'Cause they're gonna think that she killed him or some shit [G: Yeah.] when they find out how that its birth mother. They'll be like, "You kidnapped him, or you came back here to like, kill him or do something to him," and, like, she's gonna be miserable.

G: Dean is now holding [laughs] the Cas action figure. And yeah, he goes, to Jesse, “Well, the truth is, he's kind of a buddy of mine. Is there any way you could turn him back?” And Jesse just goes, “He tried to kill me.” And Dean [C: Like, for real.] goes, “Right. Well, he's a good guy. He was confused.” [both laughing] He literally says “He's just a little guy! He's a little guy!”

C: It’s his birthday, he’s just a little birthday boy!

G: Yeah, maybe this is Dean’s blorbo from his action figures set. What's that? "Well, I forgive him because he has anxiety and his dick is 10 inches long." So true. [C: Yeah, "and throbbing, and I want him to fuck me." Yeah.] Yeah. But only after Season 5. [laughs]

C: What's- Oh, yeah, because that's when Jimmy dies, yeah.

G: [laughs] Yeah, And then Dean finally gives up when Jesse says nothing. And he’s like, “Okay, well, it's been a long night. We'll talk about it next time.” [laughs] [C: Good.] It’s so funny! That is a buddy of his. Jesse asks, “What do we do now?” And Sam and Dean are saying, like, “We will get you somewhere safe.” Dean says, “You'll be handy in a fight, kid.” And Jesse goes, “What if I don't want to fight?” And Sam says, “Well, you're so powerful, and you're more powerful than anything we've ever seen. That makes you-” And Jesse goes, “I'm gonna really push the Sam mirroring this episode,” [C laughing] and he goes, “A freak?” And Sam’s like, “Well, to some people, but not to us. See, we're kind of freaks ourselves.” And then we see a shot of-

C: Don’t you dare- Dean cannot reclaim! [G laughs] Dean cannot reclaim. You do not get to give Dean the honorary freak card. Dean is not a freak. He would not self-identify as a freak, [G laughing] and he doesn't deserve to have the title "freak," given how he treats people that he views as freaks, and how he treated you when he viewed you as a freak. [G: Literally.] Wrong! Sam's allowed to be a freak, Dean is not. He is not part of this shit. Get him out of here.

G: Jesse is finally realizing the gravity of the situation, that he'll have to leave his family behind. And he says, “I don't want to,” but Sam says, “You’re gonna be putting them in danger, so.” And Dean mentions John, and he says, “Our dad, he would take us with him wherever he went, and he's dead now. A demon killed him.” What is [laughs] the throughline here?

C: 'Cause Jesse wants to take his parents with him?

G: I know, but the way this analogy is happening [C: Oh yeah, what’s the logic?] like, what is the logic behind it?

C: Yeah, 'cause Sam and Dean are the parents in this situation, [G: Yeah.] the people who are being brought along. So it's like, “Jesse, you'll die if you bring your parents with you”? What is this? [G: Yeah, but whatever.] Yeah, I think it's just being with your family and a group like that leaves any of you vulnerable, or whatever.

G: Yeah. But Jesse asks, “What should I do?” And Sam says, “We can't tell you. It's your choice. It's not fair. I know.” Jesse goes, “Well, I'm going to say goodbye to my parents.” So he goes.

C: Yeah. And not to Julia, not once.

G: He looks at his parents’ bed, and then he goes to his room, and then [laughs] he goes to fucking Australia. [both laughing]

C: He said, “I want to be Chase from House sooo bad.”

G: He literally said, “I'm gonna be Jesse Spencer.” Maybe this is Jesse Spencer's origin story!

C: Yeah, I would believe that Jesse's parents are- what? Like, far-right politicians? [G: Yeah.] Given all the bullshit they've been spouting at him, yeah.

G: Yeah, Sam is like, “Oh, he's been there so long. Let's go check on him.” [C: Yeah. Maybe he’s fireproof.] [both laugh] And they do. They enter the room, and the kid is gone, and Cas, who is now back to being not an action figure, goes, “He's gone.” Cas says he doesn't know where he is, he just vanished, and he put everyone in town who was still alive back together. And they notice this sign- I mean, they notice the note on the bed, which says, “I have to leave to keep my parents safe. Sowwy.” [laughs] And Cas says, “Well, we can't find him anymore, because he doesn't want to be found, so therefore we can’t.” They're driving out now, and Sam and Dean are having a conversation where Dean asks- [C: Which is just a worse version of the 1.18 conversation.] Yeah, I don't even know- Yeah. But Dean goes, “You think Jesse’s gonna be okay?” And Sam’s like, “Well, I hope so.” And Dean says, “We destroyed that kid's life by telling him the truth.”

C: Like, no, the lying was actually what caused all the problems. And also, you didn’t tell him the truth for most of it, it was the demon.

G: No, you know what this is a parallel to? It was telling Sam the truth about having monsters.

C: Yeah, which is also what 1.18 was sort of about.

G: Yeah. So, I don't know. Like, I see the throughline now that I think about it. Here's the conclusion Dean gets, 'cause Sam says, “We didn't have a choice, Dean,” and Dean says, “Yeah, but I'm starting to see why parents lie to their kids. You want them to believe that the worst thing out there is mixing pop rocks and coke, protect them from the real evil. [C: That doesn’t make any sense as a sentence.] You want them going to bed feeling safe. If that means lying to them, so be it. The more I think about it, the more I wish that Dad had lied to us.” And Sam goes, “Yeah, me, too.” And I don't know. It's just- is this the conclusion to the episode? It's very-

C: We need to know more about his parents- about Jesse’s parents, to know anything. It's good to say that, to lie about that shit? It's not, though! It literally caused people to die. And we have no proof that it's "hiding him from the real evil" or whatever.

G: Yeah, like, maybe he also knows about werewolves. Who fucking knows? [C: Yeah.] But the thing here- This is a fine conversation to have, in this episode even. [C: For this episode? Really?] But for the last scene of the episode? [C: Yeah.] This could be a conversation they maybe have-

C: This is an episode about telling the truth, and how lying caused the problems.

G: This could be something that's in the middle of the episode, you know, [C: Yes.] as they're processing it, they have this conversation, and it could be meaningful. It's just because it's at the very end. [C: Right.] It has no music. [C: So this is the takeaway.] It has no music. It continues on to the credits, no music, and it's like, they're trying to do something here, and it just doesn't work [C: It does not.] because this is not the place or time in the episode anymore to be having this discussion. [C: Right.] So, yeah.

G: Well, what did we think about this episode?

C: I think it was pretty good. [G: I think it was good.] It just didn't wrap things up very nicely. [G: Very niceys, yeah.] It failed at all that.

G: Failed at that. But otherwise, I think it's a fun episode. Or at least it was characteristic of what makes Supernatural enjoyable to watch on an episode-to-episode basis. Well, Best Line/Worst Line.

C: The line where Sam says, “So we tell him the truth," and all of that, and yeah, "If we lay it all out for him, he might make the right choice.” It's nice. Oh, Sam.

G: Well, I would put that also, but because you already put it, I'll just say, I like the "buddy of mine." “He's kind of a buddy of mine.” [C: That’s cute, yeah.] I think it's cute. I think it is cute. The worst line, I think the “Eventually.” When Jesse asked, “Is she gonna be okay?” and Dean says, “Eventually.” I hated that.

C: Oh, yeah. Yeah. And I think it is supposed to be a thing where Dean automatically wanted to say “Sure, yes.” But then he's like, “I'm gonna tell the truth and say 'eventually' instead,” but it's like, this should not be about how Dean deciding to tell the truth to Jesse. This is about Julia! but it's not, 'cause Daniel Loflin and Andrew Dabb just hate women so much. [G: Yeah.] Yeah, I agree with that one. That is my main issue with the eppysode.

G: Okay, well, what's our spreadsheets? Spread those sheets.

C: I feel like dropping the ball on Julia deserves like, a point. Like, not that many 'cause I don't think it's intrinsic. It's just the-

G: I think it's 2. I think it's intermingling with- between intrinsic and not. [C: Yeah, yeah.] Racism is 0. [C: Yes.] And homophobia, how would you like to read this?

C: The Tooth Fairy, I think, counts as a mix of transmisogyny and homophobia. I think if we had more clarity on exactly what was up, we would be able to better classify it.

G: Yeah. I think this kind of falls under my “Just because they have a character who is queer or presents as queer doesn't make it homophobic,” but I think I can safely say that this is supposed to be a funny thing.

C: I think we’re supposed to think that this character is so scary and weird [G: Yeah.] And it adds to the scariness and weirdness [G: Because it's weird, yeah.] because it’s a man wearing a tutu. A 1 makes sense. Great.

G: So how about our IMDb? Or IMDb guesses?

C: I need to not do such a bad job this time. This is a case of- “Fallen Idols” was low, but partly because I hated Paris Hilton. I think it's pretty good, and I feel like the concept would be interesting to people, but they might also find the Sam mirror stuff irritating because a lot of people don't like Sam right now. So I'm gonna put it below “Free to be You and Me.”

G: People do? I thought it was just me!

C: Okay, maybe just that one person.

G: [laughing] It was just me and that one IMDb reviewer.

C: Yeah. So okay, I'm gonna go 0.1 below “Free to be You and Me.” I'm gonna go with an 8.4.

G: I'm also actually going to go with an 8.4. But should I change it for some variety?

C: No, we can do the same thing as long as [G: Okay.] as long as you were thinking it beforehand. Yeah, it doesn't do anything for our competition, though.

G: Yeah, I'm still winning, I think.

C: Oh, definitely, I think.

G: Okay, let's see. Ha! It's an 8.5. We're both near.

C: Okay, okay. So I benchmarked it alright. That's good to know.

G: Yeah, people wish they revisited the concept later.

C: Yeah, 'cause it seems like Jesse could come back, they could run into him again.

G: Yeah, we never see Jesse again after all these years.

C: Or if there were more Antichrists created or something? Yeah.

G: Yeah. This one says that “the conversations with the kid were boring and a little cringey.” We have a Sam mirror hater in the house.

C: Yeah, they don't understand.

G: This one doesn't have many reviews.

C: Yeah. Yeah, no one’s saying shit.

G: To be fair, prior to this we had “Fallen Idols,” and prior to this we had “The End,” and prior to this we had “Free to be You and Me,” so you understand that those ones are going to be review-heavy, and this one probably isn’t.

C: This one says that “Cas is obviously confused, as Dean puts it. He is alone now, with no orders to guide him, and he must figure out how to manage on his own. But he's stumbling along the way” is how they characterize his decision to kill that kid. [G: Yeah.] I think Cas just really just did want to kill that kid. [laughs] I don't know if he was stumbling. I think he’s just a guy who wants to kill that kid.

G: Perhaps. I think Cas may just want to kill a kid. Any kid, really.

C: Yeah. Oh, and they're congratulating the actress for Julia for doing a really good job playing both the demon and Julia. That's true. I didn't even think about it as they're the same actors. They were very good.

G: There are performances that are very good on Supernatural in terms of possession, where I'm just like, “Oh, that's just a different actor.” [C: Yeah.] It's literally not. But this is one of them. Yeah, it was really good.

C: Yeah, no, that was good.

G: Yeah, so I think that’s it for this episode of Busty Asian Beauties. Next week, we will be discussing Season 5, Episode 7: "The Curious Case of Dean Winchester." Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts.

C: Follow us on social media! We are on Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com. Our official tag is #BABPod, B-A-B-POD. Thanks to everyone who's donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod, which is where our outtakes live, and check out our merch at babpod.redbubble.com.

G: You can email us any feedback, comments, or inquiries at [email protected]. See you guys next time! [both] Bye!

[guitar music]

#transcript

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shecouldntbetamed · 2 years

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I’m so happy to have all of my proof of how I was FINALLY able to stand up for myself and put my foot down since you kept crossing my boundaries. As I was trying to make you understand what it takes to be a parent, you fought me tooth and nail! The entire relationship you acted like everything that could possibly go wrong had to be because of one of my kids!

They wanted more time with me. Alone. They needed that. They had an entire year with me spending entirely too much time with you and not them. That still wasn’t enough for you. Then you started trying to trade/beg/steal/“borrow” adderall and kratom from me, and it would ALWAYS end in a battle, and you know exactly why. You would go back on your word, because you have never learned what true integrity actually is. You have an evil spirit that lives inside you and he is an amazingly cunning con artist. How you played your game so well…

You had cameras in my house, then you’d dump me and leave me alone, and you’d block me for a few hours. You called my house phone because I’d block you back. You’d keep calling and calling and calling so I’d have to get up and unplug it. One night you called me and said, “You might wanna like leave the house or something because I’m coming over there and I’m gonna kill you”

And I think the most insidious part about the “situationship” (your gut-wrenching term for what you equated your love for me to be) for me is that not only do you turn your actions and my reaction to your sudden, psychotic, abrupt change in personality, it’s downright abusive and you are telling me and everyone else that you are a fucking victim of narcissistic abuse!!!! You turned it all around on me and you’d do it after you and I had plans to do something or we had just been fine and in fact, I found a coincidence in the fact that on the days I would be really happy, and gushing about all the amazing things you do for me, I’d inevitably walk in to work the next day crying because you dumped me.

I started listening to the NPD podcast you say you showed me (yeah, remember that fun fight?) and I learned about BPD from searching something else. I didn’t want to believe you had those qualities or that I could really be dealing with someone so insidiously cold-blooded and calculating. I honestly started to become afraid of you.

Remember that night you were at my house and you were shaking and crying because you had broken up with me (and you always turned it around and you do something so disrespectful that my reaction is normal, like anger)? I was laying in my bed with you and we kept our clothes on and in my head was an episode of Dateline NBC, and it was featuring mom of two, Shawnya Alexander.

Every single time you had an episode you’d emotionally and verbally abuse me in writing and you’d harass me by calling my phone and prank calling me. Everything about how you would act was disrespectful of everything I ever stood for as a woman. You manipulated me from day one and you’re the biggest gaslighted I’ve ever encountered. You cannot possibly tell me you think everyone in my life that knows what you’ve done time and time again only dislike you because I talked trash about you? No! It was all of my reactions to your abuse that they all had to endure and respond to and they formed their opinions of what they know to be my truth.

I am not an actress. I never tried to be even though you lied to some dude at a booth and told him I tried to be an actress when I moved to LA. I’ve never uttered those words in my life, Matt.

I know that this is all just part of your abuse, but if you and I went to court, I know without a shadow of a doubt that I would be completely backed up by the rest of society.

You made a bunch of sense and it was very easy for me to empathize with your version of reality and your truth, to a small extent. Your reactions to normal, everyday occurrences just went off the deep end. You and I used ti get along and when we did, I would start to feel more connected to you.

You always wanted to add me to things. You used me for an entire year while you didn’t work. You didn’t do shit to find work, either. You overstayed your welcome and my kids got really sick and tired of the way everyone was walking on eggshells in my house. Things kept going missing and you’d blame my kids but they’d show up magically somehow. It’s funny, one of the most bizarre things you would do to fuck with me was take my lighters. You’d hear how many times a lighter would go missing and I would even catch you putting my shit in your pockets. I found my things gone and then in your car all the damn time!

That was a game and I caught ontoright away. You’d do something and then accuse me of doing it. All you’ve done from day one is mirror me. It’s as though you

https://vikingmerman1989.tumblr.com/post/669173541298749440

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notstilinski · 2 years

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The Edge of Sleep Starters !

Taken from the 2018 QCODE Media’ podcast, The Edge of Sleep! Some of these have already been edited. You can change them however you see fit!

“July 8th. It’s a beautiful day. The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and… Everyone is dead.”

“It’s more like the world went to sleep and never woke up.”

“You need someone to keep your bed warm? Give me your phone.”

“Except it’s better than a video game because you actually get laid.”

“Actually, no. That’s a lie. I’m a complete wreck… I miss you.”

“So, what’s the problem. We love each other, right? Right?”

“I can’t believe I even have to say this, but you know I would never hurt you, right?”

“Sorry, I like to play my tunes so loud I can’t hear myself think.”

“What kind of hospital is this? You want me to leave my friend’s body on the side of the road?”

“Well, you still look good so… Go to hell.”

“(Name), right now I just need you to shut up and fall in line.”

I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but I could see their faces. Every one of them looked afraid.”

“It’s not the same. They do the killing, we do the fixing.”

“The worst part is the fear in people's eyes. The look of terror when they know they’re going to die.”

“You know you’re really ugly when you cry? Why don’t you shut the fuck up?”

“I’m okay. I think I’m okay. I’m more scared than I am tired.”

“It’s hard to explain. It felt like deja vu mixed with a panic attack.”

“Scientists and medical practicers love a good enigma. It’s fun for them. It’s just not that fun when /you’re/ the enigma. And that’s what I was.”

“We don’t need empathy. We need help.”

“Did you say a monkey that looks like John Cena?”

“That’s why I’m bleeding. I think I’ve been shot. There’s a hole in my rib cage.”

“If you scream, I’ll cut your tongue off.”

“I made him laugh! Is that good?”

“Fuck that. He’d probably like to hear me beg, I won’t give him the satisfaction.”

“Well, they say broken bones tend to mend faster than broken hearts.”

“She saw something dark in me, it outweighed the light.”

“I will use my personal suffering to entertain him.”

“If we stay and keep fighting, the bad thing will give up. It will get bored and leave you alone forever.”

“I’ve never seen you this way. Like a person that got a glimpse into hell.”

“Basically, it’s a fucking miracle it wasn’t worse.”

“If we kept quiet, we didn’t have to talk about what had happened to the world. Or to our friends or loved ones.”

“In the silence, we could hide from what we feared most.”

“You’re not selfish for wanting to love someone. That’s what everyone wants. You’re just… human.”

“Hey, get your finger out of my sauce.”

“If you’re suggesting we help kill this guy, say what you fucking mean.”

“How do you think their parents felt when they had to bury their fucking kids?”

“Goodnight forever, humankind. It was fun while it lasted.”

“We’re all tired and scared. It’s not cool if I’m the only one who can’t keep their shit together.”

“My dad got fucked up the day I was born, so I’m gonna get fucked up on the day that I die.”

“This is the end, man. And you don’t get to tell me how I choose to die.”

“If you want to die, go do it somewhere else.”

“Don’t worry. I can handle a bad dream. I’m a pro.”

“If this doesn’t work, I’ll bring you back to life and kill you again.”

“Something that does not belong here. It wishes to eat the world.”

“My past, your future, our home.”

“What chance do we have if we stay here? Look at us. We’re all dying as we speak.”

“In one night, a nightmare killed the world.”

“If I fall asleep, will I become like them? Like the people who tried to hurt us?”

“Hey, fuckos, this is your captain speaking. Still alive back there?”

“Maybe you’re going to die. Maybe you can join us.”

“I want to see the stupid look on your face right before you die.”

“I dreamed of you.”

“They are hungry, greedy. They see, and they take.”

“I tried ending it all a hundred different ways, but there was no way out.”

“All that I was was being chipped away, one memory at a time.”

“Just one face. Please. That’s all I want to remember. Just let me keep one smile.”

“I had forgotten who I was, and all that was left was loneliness.”

“It was the pain of everything it took from me and everything I’d lost.”

“They said they’ve been waiting for you. They have seen you in their dreams.”

#rp meme #roleplay meme #sentence starters #sentence meme #starter sentences #ask meme #ask prompts #inbox memes #inbox prompts #podcast sentence starters #so many of the lines were cool ??

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stsebastiens · 3 years

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TFATWS vs its comic equivalent

or: the comic did almost everything the show tried to do, but better

First major difference between this comic and the show: Bucky and Sam’s conflict of principle/ideology. Instead of a vague “why did you give away the shield” gripe that’s resolved only when the plot demands, we actually get a lot more of their personal disagreements. In their first interaction with each other at a fresh crime scene, Sam assumes that Bucky had something to do with the incident.

this alone is a damn good explanation of why they don’t get along: sam is suspicious of bucky in particular, and bucky is cynical in general. Basically how their MCU characters were set up circa Captain America: Civil War. Later on, we see that sam tends towards a more rehabilitative form of justice, whereas bucky often takes the road of “some people just need to die”.

this remains a common thread of conflict throughout the entire comic run, even giving the audience some humorous moments:

(this is literally one of my favorite characterizations of bucky, ever.) There’s eventually a culminating moment where it’s revealed that Bucky’s perception of himself––”once a killer, always a killer”––plays into his view of justice. He has nothing to lose by killing people because, in his eyes, he’s already past redemption.

and onto my next point: Bucky’s governmental pardon. In the show, he has government-mandated therapy. This has been picked apart for multiple reasons, from the therapist being a poor portayal to the fact that his therapy sessions are discarded in favor of simply going out there and beating the shit out of people. The show tells us that bucky doesn’t need therapy, he just needs to kick ass. This is harmful for many reasons (here’s a good podcast on the subject), but also reveals a shallow understanding of Bucky’s character and his potential for recovery. in the comic, the government plays a much more insidious role: Bucky’s pardon rests on his involvement in government-sanctioned hits. He basically plays super-soldier like he always has, but for the ‘good guys’.

I’m gonna state the obvious and say that this is a much more interesting point of conflict for Bucky. It also removes the possibility of all this “the US Government is always good actually” propaganda that we got in the show.

next up: the Captain-America-gone-bad archetype. instead of john walker, who not only experiences no consequences for literally murdering someone in the street but also gets a fun little redemption arc for plot purposes, we have The Natural: a young 20-something who is obsessed with everything captain america, including bucky and sam. he’s insanely ‘gifted’ (i.e. efficient at killing people) and wants to be as great as captain america was. the twist is that he’s a HYDRA mentee who’s convinced that these new people he hangs out with are super cool and gonna change the world for the better. Bucky and Sam spend almost the entire comic run trying to dissuade him of these notions, explaining what Captain America actually stands for.

The Natural––an overconfident, entitled white kid who thinks HYDRA is cool cause they “watch all the same youtubers he does”––easily opens up the same avenues for discussion that TFATWS tried to have with John Walker and Isaiah Bradley, except instead of having the characters talk about it, the Natural shows the audience what happens when Captain America is made synonymous with American nationalism (and white supremacy). This kid is a die-hard, long-time fan of captain america, not some random dude that got his ego stroked. His entire identity rides on a misunderstanding of who Steve was and what he stood for. Bucky and Sam not only have to fight a villain, but they are also confronted by the tainted legacy of their best friend.

(Also, The Natural is just a fun antagonist. He’s obnoxious, chatty, and kicks Bucky and Sam’s asses multiple times––much to their mutual chagrin.)

Anyways, those are my thoughts after re-reading this comic run in like 30 minutes. I’ve probably left some stuff out, but I highly recommend reading the whole thing. It’s a lot of fun and there’s a lot more comedic moments between Bucky and Sam than I included here. Plus the last issue ends with Bucky going to group therapy and bringing his cat, I feel like that makes my point all on its own lol.

#tfatws #marvel comics #bucky barnes #sam wilson #winter soldier #long-ass post but i love my comic book men ok !!!#ely.txt

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lululawrence · 3 years

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lululawrence's October 2021 Fic List

Previous Fic Lists / Lulu’s List Podcast Masterpost

October has come and gone already and the kids are ready to go trick or treat, and it just doesn't feel like it should be this late haha I had a lot of opportunity to read this month, and I read some incredible fics! It was a fun variety regarding length, topic, style, pairings, everything really, and I loved every minute of it. I'm excited to talk about all the things I loved about these fics below.

Sadly, my allergies have gotten the best of me and I currently don't have much of a voice, which does make it difficult to record a podcast. Once I have my voice back, I'll do my best to record it for you and link it here. Sorry for it being late, but thank you for your understanding!

As always, be sure to show your love and appreciation for all of the hard work our fandom authors have put into their fics with kudos, nice comments, and (when applicable) reblogging their fic posts!

Still by @dandelionfairies / dandelionfairies (12k, G, Niall/Liam, Heartbreak Weather Fest, song fic, based on Still, exes to lovers, accidents, hospital, hurt/comfort, this fic was GORGEOUS and the dynamic between niall and liam for the entire thing, beginning to end, was so incredibly lovely)

Best Butt Ever by @hazzabeeforlou / Throwthemflowers (1k, M, Harry/Louis, alternate universe, crack fic, awkward flirting, children's birthday party, literal roleplay, so much awkwardness lolllll, this fic was hysterical, the most peak ridiculousness, and bad bottom behavior lmaooooo, just please read this)

the butthole series (parts 5 and 6) by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything

Picture This (3k, M, Harry/Louis, acquaintances to lovers, bartender Harry, awkwardness at its prime, clueless Harry, awkward Harry, honestly he's a disaster gay and so is Louis and I love them for it, miscommunication, it's more like a mis-assumption?, yeah you know what it's a hysterical butthole series fic so just read it lol)

Hot Chocolate (6k, M, Harry/Louis, meet cute, baker Harry, specialized chocolate maker Harry, artist Louis, sculptor Louis, Harry's horribly awkward attempts at flirting while getting a mold of his asshole made by Louis, are just insanely funny to me)

Tiny Penis Fics (parts 2, 3, 5, and 6) by @kingsofeverything / kingsofeverything

A Small Matter (A Matter of Trust) (19k, E, Harry/Louis, grindr hookups, secret friends with benefits situation, teacher Louis, teacher Harry, pretty much all the guys are teachers, secret tiny dick, jockstraps, this fic had so much vulnerability on both sides, and it made me cry a little bit too, which I wasn't expecting from a tiny dic fic but it is what it is lollll, i fucking love this series so much)

Be Mine, Little Valentine (7k, E, Harry/Louis, unashamed of his tiny penis Louis, meet cute, I guess lolll, Valentine's Day, Louis just wants a guy who will appreciate and love his tiny penis as much as he does, but he doesn't think he's ever gonna find that, and then he meets Harry, i fucking LOVE THIS SO MUCH)

Snow Big Deal (8k, E, Harry/Louis, Olympic snowboarder Louis, photography assistant Harry, small penis, micropenis, this fic has such a visceral way of showing Harry's inner struggles as well as the constant changing of the dynamic between Harry and Louis as they try to work it all out, all crowned with nudity and randomly pulling out their bits, and I love it for the comedy but also for the sheer brilliance of it all, plus as always the VULNERABILITY!, just give me soft vulnerable boys!!!)

Birthday Princess (5k, E, Harry/Louis, bartender Louis, newly legal Harry, birthday celebrations, propositions, meet cute, public sex, car sex, this fic was just fucking adorable and silly and sweet all wrapped up into one, how does Lauren continue to do it)

Scent Partner by @daggerandrose / amomentoflove (4k, E, Harry/Louis, A/B/O, alpha Louis, omega Harry, strangers to lovers, heat services, Harry finds Louis through a scent matching system, It's a super fun concept for the worldbuilding I'd never read before and i love it, it was a soft fic and made me feel safe while reading it while also just, it was fab all over, loved it)

Dancing Barefoot by @quelsentiment / wordsnnotes (19k, T, Zayn/Louis/Liam, cliche fest fic, single parent Liam, single parent Louis, uncle Zayn, model Zayn, artist Zayn, footie coach Louis, firefighter Liam, meet cute, flirting, honestly the way they all dance around each other, and learn about each other, and figure out their dynamic and have it be kind of jokes, before they all slowly shift into the realization of it all, and the way the POV is split up, it's all so perfect, it's a soft and intimate and glorious dynamic, with teacher Gemma and all of their kids/niece in the background, it's just lovely)

Why Didn't We Make Out the Night We Met? by @berzerkshires / berzerkshires (52k, E, Harry/Louis, meet cute, famous/non-famous, long distance relationship, chat fic, most of it happens over the phone or by texts, sometimes by voicemails, pop star Harry, university sports fields caretaker Louis, American Louis, assumed pseudonym, lying about Harry's real identity, angst with a happy ending, covid, truly though the structure of this fic is so unique and the rhythm of it is so cool how it builds up because of it, and the repetition but slight changes of the title of the fic being used in every chat they have, is so brilliant and endearing and heartbreaking and lovely)

Jaerie's Kinktober (parts 1-6) by @jaerie / jaerie

Jaerie's Kinktober: Bestiality (1k, E, Harry/Louis, shifters, werewolves, pack fic, roommates, friends to lovers, A/B/O, recreational drug use, casual sex... listen if you don't know what you're getting from Jenna fics, her kinktober might not be the best place to start cause she jumps right in, but it's fucking fantastic if you're up for a wild ride)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Water Sports (2k, E, Harry/Louis, famous/non-famous, voyeurism, exhibitionism, semi-public sex, singer Harry, crew member Louis, basically after the first time Harry had to take a piss during a concert beneath the stage she wrote this fic, and now it's basically canon, you're welcome, also please note i am not a watersports fan, but damn the way she did it i LOVE)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Hypnosis (2k, E, Harry/Louis, aliens, alien sex, tentacles, rape/non-con, coming untouched, obedience, praise kink, basically this fic is dirty dirty dirty and FAB)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Hybrids (2k, E, Harry/Louis, hybrid Louis, implied mpreg, mummy Harry, lactating Harry, lactation kink, breastfeeding, comfort, this fic is both soft and fucking hot at once and I am just constantly amazed by Jenna's ability to do that lol)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Pet Play (1k, E, Harry/Louis, master/pet, undernegotiated kink, roommates, friends to lovers, size difference, tiny penis, this fic is so vulnerable and open and the reaction they both have to Harry walking in on Louis like that is stellar)

Jaerie's Kinktober: Self-cest (2k, E, Harry/Harry, there is also established Harry/Louis but that's not the point of this one lol, canon compliant, lactation kink is touched on, time travel, age difference, non-binary character, butt plugs, listen this fic was fascinating and a fun look at several things, It was a fun way to explore something new, typing that out makes me feel so fucking ace like who talks about a kink fic like that but whatever)

No Such Thing As Second Choices by @slashter / slashter (30k, E, Liam/Louis/Harry, established Harry/Louis, neighbors, camboys Larry, flirting, polyamory negotiations, misunderstandings, communication to work out their problems, seriously when it finally happens the communication is fucking hot, listen this fic has everything i love about a fic, and then some amazing poly aspects added in, there is literally everything to love about this fic and i fucking adored it)

Old Photographs & Times I'll Remember by @jaerie / jaerie (54k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, time travel, historical fic (for the times in the past), Eroda, photographer Harry, closeted Harry, internalized homophobia, period typical homophobia, innkeeper Louis, Louis travels back through time to Harry through his photographs, this story is so deep and touching and lovely, and I think it might be my very favorite of all of Jenna's fics I've ever read, that's how much I loved it)

Lost in your Paradise by @sadaveniren / SadaVeniren (6k, E, Harry/Louis, bottom Harry fest fic, A/B/O, omega Harry, alpha Louis, famous singers Ziam, public sex, strangers to lovers, tiktok, single mum Harry, reconnection, this fic is hot and funny and sweet and I enjoyed everything about it)

Make a Heart Dance: Give it a Beat by @ladyaj-13 / LadyAJ_13 (3k, G, Harry/Louis, canon compliant, exes to lovers, Harry is a contestant on Strictly Come Dancing, Louis doesn't want to admit to watching and supporting him, and gahhhhh the ending is so lovely and perfect I cryyyyy)

Candles and Clocks by @ladyaj-13 / LadyAJ_13 (1k, G, Niall & Louis, canon compliant, X Factor Era, Homesick Niall, cuddles, comfort, friendship, this is the most soft fic you'll ever experience in your life, so pure and sweet)

The Only One (when it's said and done) by @londonfoginacup / LadyLondonderry (6k, T, Harry/Louis, pack alpha Louis, a/b/o, omega Harry, neighboring packs, hurt/comfort, nesting, SO MUCH NESTING I LOVE IT, protective Louis, pack dynamics, I loved the descriptions of the packs and how they lived and where, as well as the relationships between them all, it made the fic truly feel alive it was incredible)

Freeway of Love (In a Pink Cadillac) by @mizzhydes / MsHydeStylinson (33k, E, Harry/Louis, sugar daddy Harry, accidental sugar daddy Harry I feel like, though Louis defo wants that lol, sugar baby Louis, vacation in Florida, age difference, daddy kink, exhibitionism, role playing, this fic was so much fun and I loved their dynamic so very much)

But If This Ends by @absoloutenonsense / nonsensedarling (107k, E, Harry/Louis, Big Bang fic, vampire Harry, secret vampire Harry, friends with benefits, kinda, more like casual hookups, but trying to make it more, anyway, soulmates, angst, angst with a happy ending, bartender Harry, writer Louis, pet names, role play, plot twist, blood, magic, science, this fic was filled with the most full characters and relationships, all the complexity between them and the way it all developed, there was so much detail and it was so gorgeous, the absolute perfection in the storytelling and the pacing and the reality of how everyone reacted to the various situations, it was just all so real and believable, and I cannot rave about this fic enough, I absolutely adored it)

#mine #fic rec #28th appreciation #my fic rec #fic writer appreciation #fic list #october 2021 fic list

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hangovercurse · 3 years

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Worst Firsts

You and Colson go on Worst First with Brittany Furlan and Tommy Lee.

Request: “Have Colson(mgk) and reader (who are dating) go on worst first with brittany furlan(lee).LOVE YOUR WORK!!!❤❤”

Colson X Reader

Warnings: Cursing, talk of sex (no actual smut)

Word Count: 1684

“Hello all you fine folks out there and welcome back to Worst Firsts. Boy oh boy do we have the show for you today. First off, we have my husband, Tommy Lee, with us here.” Colson banged on the table as you gave out a small cheer. Brittany continued, a small laugh sent in your direction, “We brought our favorite Tommy Lee two-point-O Machine Gun Kelly back on the show today!” You cheered for your boyfriend as Tommy banged on the table. “And for her first time on the show, we have the wonderful Ms. Y/N Y/L/N!” Colson shouted for you as Tommy continued banging on the table. “Thank you guys so much for coming, thank you for coming back Colson. I am so excited you guys are here today.”

“I love bein’ here.” Colson said into the mic, shooting Brittany a smile.

“When you asked us to come on, I was so fucking excited.” You said, Colson nodding with you.

“For real, bro. She was off the walls.”

Brittany continued, speaking to her audience, “If you guys didn’t know, Gunner here played Tommy in The Dirt way back in 2019, which released right before you two met, am I right?”

You smiled lightly, a slight heat rushing to your cheeks as the focus turned to you and Colson. Luckily, he answered for you, “yeah, we met literally like maybe 3 days after the premiere. That was such a sick time in my life.”

“Dude, I bet. You release a kick ass movie and then turn around and meet-“ Tommy started, Colson cutting him off to finish his sentence.

“The love of my life, yeah.” You smiled bashfully, Colson’s arm finding its way around you and pulling you into his side.

Brittany smiled at you two, Tommy’s hand reaching over to grab hers under the table. “So, this show is all about first times and, while normally we would talk about worst firsts, I gotta know how you two met.”

“It’s honestly not much of a story,” you began, “Netflix had this party and we were both invited because we both had movies out on Netflix. I went up to him at the bar because I thought he was hot and we started talking and now, uh, we’re here.” Colson nodded as you recounted the memory.

“I was trying so hard not to fuck anything up though, because literally the entire night before she came up to me, I was trying to figure out how to talk to her.” Your boyfriend said, red on his cheeks.

Brittany sent you a mischievous smile, “so what happened after that? Did you give him your number, did he ask you out, something else?” The inflection in her voice and the wiggle of her eyebrows let you in on exactly what else she thought you might have done.

“Something along the lines of something else.” You said, a smile playing on your lips. Colson threw his head back in laughter. Tommy nodded with pride at you two.

‘Speaking of something else.” Colson began, making you look up to him in both confusion and panic, “This is all about worst firsts, right?”

“What are you about to say?” You asked him, a warning in your voice.

He giggled, “remember the first time we had sex in public?”

Brittany’s eyes went wide, “you two did what?”

Tommy asked, “first time?”

You leaned into Colson’s side, a blush rising to your face. “That was literally the most awkward experience of my entire life.”

Colson laughed at the expressions of the older couple, “okay, basically we were on tour in the middle of butt fuck nowhere and there was nothing in this town. No bars, no clubs, nothing.”

You continued his story, “but there was this tiny carnival. So, after the show we went in hope of something fun happening.”

Tommy laughed, “well something fun certainly happened.”

“After about an hour in we were bored and she was only gonna be on tour for a few more days.” Colson said, “so we figured we should make the most out of the lame ass carnival. And then we found it.”

“the photobooth.” You said, watching Brittany’s jaw drop.

“Him, I expect this from.” She pointed at Colson, “but you?”

You giggled, nodding your head, “It was her idea!” Colson exclaimed over your laughs.

“I hadn’t seen him in almost two months and was only on tour for two weeks, I had to make up for lost time and this was the only place that we could get any semblance of privacy.” You said, shoving Colson lightly as he grinned proudly at you.

“Wait so did you two get caught?” Tommy asked, intrigued.

Colson answered, “we didn’t get caught, per say, but as we were leaving this family came up to the booth. And I mean, there’s not a great way to hide that you’ve just had sex. We tried, but people still know.”

Brittany and Tommy laughed, the latter banging his hand on the table as he did so. “The look on that mother’s face. I thought she was gonna call the cops or something.” You said.

“Was it at least good?” Brittany asked to which Colson replied,

“we were in a photobooth, Brittany. No.”

Tommy chuckled, “I’m sure it was better than doing it on the tour bus.”

Your eyes went wide and a laugh tumbled from your mouth as you recalled the first time you and Kells had had sex on the tour bus. “We do not need to talk about that.” He looked down at you as he spoke, a look of warning in his eyes.

“Oh yes we do.” Brittany said, looking at you to speak.

“There’s not much to it, but as I’m sure you can imagine, the bunks are not the most spacious of beds. And Colson here is a six-foot-four giant who barely fits in the bunk as it is.” You began, giggling as Colson’s glare hardened on you. “Let’s just say Kells almost got a concussion because he hit his head so hard.”

Brittany laughed as Tommy spoke, “sex in the bus is difficult, dude. I get it.”

“Why didn’t you just go on top?” Brittany asked you.

Colson grumbled, “because she was “tired from her flight” and “didn’t want to get hurt.”” He used air quotes as he mimicked your words from the night, making Brittany and Tommy laugh.

“I sat on a plane for 9 hours to see you, the least you can do is top.” You said, shrugging as Colson let out a silent chuckle. “But yeah, it was not good.”

You continued to talk about other first times you’d had. You told the couple about your first kisses when you were younger, retelling the story of your first kiss in middle school when your braces got stuck on the poor kid’s lip.

Then Colson recounted the story of the first time you both went out on a boat together. “For context,” you started, “I am terrified of the ocean. I can swim but I refuse to go into any water that isn’t a pool.”

“We were out there with a couple of our friends and she was staying as far away from the edge of the boat as possible. And then some of our homies tried to pull her towards the edge and she freaked the fuck out.”

You pouted, “you fucking laughed the entire time it was not funny.”

“It was!” He exclaimed, “you were pulling away like a little kid.” You glared at him, “but, for the record because people are gonna think I’m a bad boyfriend, I made them stop. And then I dragged her towards the edge myself and made her sit with me.”

You then told the story of the first time you’d gotten a call from the hospital to come get Kells. “I was unaware that this was a normal thing. So, when I get a call at 4 am that he’s in the ER I was kind of freaking out. And then I get there and him and Rook are just sitting there messing around like two little kids.”

Colson chuckled, rubbing his face with his hands, “you were so worried when you first came in and then as soon as you saw us you got so annoyed.”

“What did you guys do that got you in the ER?” Brittany asked.

You deadpanned, “they were throwing knives around and Colson nearly cut off his finger.”

Tommy nodded, “nice.”

After a few more firsts, Brittany asked the final first worst, “what was the first or worst fight you guys got in?”

You looked at your boyfriend, trying to figure out what fight he’d pick. “The first big fight we got into was that night at the hospital that we mentioned earlier.” He said and you nodded in agreement. “Which I was totally in the wrong about.”

“Yeah. We got home and I literally couldn’t talk to him without wanting to scream.” You said.

Tommy tilted his head, “were you mad that he had gotten hurt or that he called you so late?”

You shook your head, “I was more frustrated than anything. Like I was fucking panicking because I thought something really bad had happened and he was treating it like a joke. But we talked about it and obviously we’re fine now.” You said smiling up at your boyfriend.

He grabbed your hand under the table, squeezing gently. “Yeah. That was also the first night I told you I loved you.” He said, nudging your shoulder with his own.

You rolled your eyes, nudging him back, “yeah, yeah. Don’t get all sentimental on me now.” You said, giggling silently.

Brittany and Tommy watched you, smiling like proud parents. “Alright folks, we’re gonna end this podcast here. Thank you guys so much for tuning in, thank you guys for coming.” She motioned to you two, “It’s always so nice to see you guys, love catching up with you. If you’re not already subscribed, you should do that. Leave a like, a comment, whatever you want.”

#Colson baker #colson x reader #colson baker imagine #colson baker fluff #mgk #mgk imagine #mgk fluff #machine gun kelly #machine gun kelly imagine #machine gun kelly x reader #mgk x reader #colson imagine

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silenthillmutual · 2 years

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Here's a hot take ask for you 🔥: 5 films you feel are overrated (and maybe 5 underrated films you think deserve their praise instead)

overrated:

Bonnie and Clyde - i had to watch this for a film class as well and just did not understand the appeal of it? maybe it's because i was watching it in the 2010s instead of the 1970s. maybe there's some cultural context i missed that made this feel so fun and romantic to others.

Psycho - i'm not totaly bashing it because i do understand how improtant it was to the genre and all, but i don't think it's hitchcock's best work. and i feel like i have to warn people when we watch it that there's ableism and transmisogyny in it, but the last time i watched it i didn't like it as much as i did Rear Window or Rope or Strangers on a Train.

Giant - i tried watching this when i had my own James Dean Moment(TM) a while back and i just found it boring. i know people feel that way about East of Eden but i cared way more about those characters than i did about the characters in Giant. also it's like three hours long and it's so hard for me to sit through that kind of thing. i even struggle to sit through two hour movies i actually like.

Dirty Dancing - it's been a while since i've seen it so maybe i need to give it another go but i genuinely don't understand how people find it romantic? i have this problem with a lot of romance movies and could say the same about, like, Pretty Woman and You've Got Mail. i tried both of those too and just felt confused.

1900 - yes yes i watched the movie where those two characters look like artemy and daniil. yes i did. it was over three hours long and my adhd brain hated it. so much. my friend dj had to give me a whole list of warnings about it too. i do not understand how letterboxd reviewers are giving this almost four stars. i'm mostly just baffled by this film like it tried to focus on way too many things at once. and the ending, yeah, okay i agree with your politics! but do you have to say them directly to the camera like we're all fucking idiots.

there are so many more i could mention becuase i can be a real Hater when i want to be, but i'll just leave off with ONE honorable mention to Melancholia - the cinematography was nice, i guess, but people really overhyped how difficult this depiction of depression was to watch. yeah, she's depressed, but she's also a rich white girl who had plenty of opportunity to get help. and it also committed the crime of just being boring as shit and wasting all its best shots in the beginning showing you exactly what was going to happen instead of letting us get those nice shots when they actually happened chronologically.

underrated:

i'm not actually sure what counts as underrated because i... do not pay much attention to what is popular? but these are films i don't really see people in my friend circles talk about, so these are more along the lines of 'i'd love to see more people talking about this'

Mandy (2018, dir. Panos Cosmatos) - i actually heard about this on the Dead Meat podcast i think and they had it in our library and i am so glad i checked it out, it was freaking wild! i loved the whole dreamlike vibe of it and the color scheme. i am also, admittedly, a Nic Cage fan, so if you like to see him losing his shit there is one scene where he just flips out. and it's so good.

Attack the Block (2011, dir. Joe Cornish) - i recently rewatched this and found out from holla that there's gonna be a sequel and i am so pumped for that. i think the whole idea was unique because i haven't really seen 'inner city kids beat the shit out of aliens' before. (if that's a subgenre i've been missing out on i guess that's totally possible, i don't tend to watch a lot of alien invasion films).

F for Fake (1973, dir. Oroson Welles) - if you like video essays i definitely recommend checking out F for Fake. it's almost an hour and a half, it discusses the nature of forgery and art, and it's just kind of fun? it's not quite a documentary, i think the wiki page actually considers it the grandfather of video essays because it's way more in line with that kind of thing. it's neat!

Her (2013, dir. Spike Jonze) - we watched this for a women's study class in undergrad to talk about the evolution of technology and its place in feminism and i remember just being really intrigued with the way the film presented the ideas of 'what do we consider human? what do we consider relationship? what do we consider life?' (looking at it on amazon it apparently won for best original screenplay the year it came out...shrimpresting...)

Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2010, dir. Eli Craig) - for as much as i have friends who love silly horror i never see enough people talk about this one. i don't even remember who recommended it to me in the first place but as a guy from the south i do appreciate the way it makes fun of classist stereotypes about southerners in horror films!

honorable mention here to Gaslight (1944, dir. George Cukor) because for one thing, i think it is good, Charles Boyer is super creepy and absolutely reminds me of people i've known in my life and two, i think way too many people use the term gaslighting when that's not what the hell is happening and i think would benefit from watching a version of where the terms comes from.

thank u for the ask :]

#go-go-devil #harker.txt

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ballplayersxo · 2 years

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What I found weirder than the wrong color emoji is seeing those biracial men like Trae, Drake… treat their white kids like they are black. Like society and their black father really made them believe that you can create a black kid without a black woman somehow. This is sick they treat blackness like a fun purse to take on. I bet Zach will do the same too. Then those kids be on TikTok showing their black grandfather talking about I can say the n word. To me this show that their fathers are often rather anti black women than anti black this why they have this desperate need to teach their biracial sons that they’re black but they see their sons and grandchildren and realize they do not look like them/ they aren’t black. So this is why they feel the need to go on podcast tell us black women how much they don’t want us imo cause they date Becky’s and resent us so deeply cause without us they can make themselves so they project. Anyway they need to get their sons and white grandchildren cause this is ridiculous.

no you’re absolutely right and it’s gonna catch up to them. you can’t disparage and degrade the race of women who create you, especially as a dsbm. when the black fathers carry their white grandkids in their arms that’s when they seem to actually realize. it’s just sad all around

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study-coffee-chicago · 3 years

Text

Who Would've Thought? A Government Teacher and an English Teacher (A Halstead Brothers + Upstead + Halstead Daughter! Imagine; Part of AU-gust)

A/N: Thank you for reading! Remember to like/reblog and comment! I'm also donating all the proceeds that from my buy me a coffee account to Save The Children to help the children of Afghanistan. Link to buy me a coffee.

Anyway, enjoy!

"Hey, I know you aren't a morning person," your dad said as he walked up to you sitting at the bar in the kitchen with a piece of paper in his hand.

"You're right, I'm not," you said.

"All I need is for you to look over the seating chart I made for the juniors."

"Make sure you didn't put people who have beef next to each other?" you asked.

"Exactly. And I figured, since it's your class, you'd be the perfect person to do it."

"And because I'm your daughter."

"That, too."

He set the paper in front of you. "Since I'm doing this for you, care to make me my coffee?" you asked

"The pumpkin spice one?" You nodded. "Kid, it's the first week of September. It's like 75 out (23.9 celsius). Fall's not even close. And, technically, it's still summer."

"Listen, Dunkin' came out with their pumpkin spice stuff in mid-August. And, you know the minute it hits September, I get in the fall mood."

"But you still won't go to a Bears game with me and your Uncle Will," he said.

"Dad, I don't understand football."

He pulled the K-Cup out and put it in the Keurig. "I told you that me and Uncle Will could teach you. And, you seem to understand it when you're at school football games."

"I just cheer when everyone else does. It's not that hard."

"Fair enough."

He pointed to the counter of the bar, so you looked down at the seating chart. You waved him back over to you as you heard the sputtering of the Keurig, telling you that all your coffee was almost in your tumbler.

You pointed to two seats. "These two girls have had beef since middle school, so throw them across the room from each other." Your dad grabbed a pen from his breast pocket and drew a line to put one of the girls on the opposite side of the room. "These two are dating, so unless you want them talking all the time, I suggest you at least move the guy to a different group." He drew another line on the seating chart. "And this guy dated these two girls, so you need to make sure that they're as far away from each other as possible."

"Which one is he dating now?" your dad asked as he drew more lines.

"Neither. He was dating both of them at the same time. Get why none of them can be by each other now?"

"Gotcha."

He took the seating chart from you and handed you your tumbler of coffee. "I don't drink it black," you said as you raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, believe me, I know, but I'll leave you to do that because I don't want to mess up your coffee to creamer ratio and have you get mad at me for it."

"Fair enough."

You sighed as you poured your creamer into your coffee because you thought about all the homework that was going to be piled on to your plate this year.

"What's wrong?" your dad asked.

"I'm gonna be drowning at the end of today."

"Can't argue with you there. But tell me if you think your homework load for APUSH (AP US History) and AP Gov (AP Government) is getting too much for one class. I'll talk to the teachers. And, you have me to help you with your government homework." He said the last part with a huge smile on his face.

"Dad," you groaned. "You've been waiting for me to be a junior forever now just so you could be my teacher."

"Yup, and you chose AP over me. How rude."

"Sorry, but college is expensive. It was only like 50 bucks a class when you went to college back in the olden days."

"Young lady, I am not old."

"Fine, you're vintage. Better?" He just glared at you while you finished stirring your coffee and then started making your breakfast. "But, at least Hail- Miss Upton doesn't give us a ton of homework because she knows we're drowning in homework already and have the SATs to worry about, so that's nice."

You were super thankful for your Honors English 11 teacher, who also taught AP Stats. She gave you at least half an hour each class period to do your homework since she knew that most of you had sports or after-school clubs or a part job to get to and didn't have all night to do homework. She was the one who also said to send her an email if you couldn't get the assignment done and she'd give you an extension. She said that your physical health and mental health were way more important than you finishing your homework.

Your dad was like that, too. Granted, he didn't give the students in his class a ton of homework to begin with, and he made the class fun...at least, that's what you heard from the kids who were juniors last year. The only time your dad really gave homework was when he gave out study guides to fill out. He'd give them out a week before the test and then after two days, he'd check that everyone got them done and go over them in class so that everyone had the right answers to study from. Mr. Jay Halstead also didn't give tests on a Monday because that was just cruel...and he knew that when he was in high school, he absolutely hated homework, so he didn't give a lot of it. And, he hated coming to school on a Monday when he forgot to study over the weekend, so he didn't give tests on Mondays.

"You're not going running this morning?" you asked as you cut up a banana to go into your oatmeal.

"No, I think I'll run with you guys after school today at practice."

Your dad was also the high school cross country coach. You weren't a fast runner by any means, but your best friend, Emma, had made it to regionals and was a great runner. And, your dad said that you either play a sport in high school or you get a job, so you joined the cross country team. In all honesty, you liked running for the endorphin rush it gave you after the run and just talking to some of your teammates while running or listening to music or podcasts while running. But, you weren't competitive, so that's probably why you weren't as fast as Emma, and your dad knew this. But, he was just glad you were being active in some way after school and that you enjoyed exercising even if you weren't the best or the fastest runner. He just wanted you to live a long and healthy life, and he knew starting to exercise in high school would help you build those healthy habits.

But, usually what your dad did in the morning was go to school at like six in the morning, so he'd be up at five, and then he'd utilize the weight room or the indoor track to workout. Then, he'd take a quick shower and get ready there, and be teaching by 7:30. Yeah, he was crazy for running that early.

"You know," you started, "Miss Upton likes to run. Maybe you should see if she'll co-coach with you? Or maybe she'll run with you in the morning?"

Jay shook his head and took a sip of his coffee. "Y/N, how many times do I have to tell you that Hailey and I are just friends. Nothing more."

"Says the man who lesson planned with her last week," you said, wiggling your eyebrows.

"Y/N, she's a coworker. I would've done that with anyone. It was just coffee. You read too much into things."

"Dad," you sighed. "You haven't dated in years."

"Yeah, since Abby dropped you off on my doorstep." He used to refer to Abby as your mom, but she wasn't around, so when you were around 14 years old, you just started referring to her as Abby. After all, you had never even met the woman, and she didn't want you, not even leaving an address on the note attached to your pajamas, so she didn't deserve the title of Mom.

"So, 17 years. You haven't dated in 17 years, Dad. You gotta get back out there. Even Uncle Will said you need to."

"You talked to your uncle about this?" he asked. "Oh, and put some egg whites in that oatmeal for some extra protein."

"What? You gonna make us lift weights today at cross country practice?"

He shrugged. "You never know. Now, no more talking to Uncle Will about my love life."

"There's not even anything to talk about. But, he does think you and Miss Upton would look cute together."

You added some egg whites to your oatmeal and put it back in the microwave for an extra minute.

"This has been going on for way too long now, Y/N. We're not gonna date. We're just friends and coworkers. Just drop it."

You put your hands up in mock surrender.

Ever since freshman year when you had Miss Upton for creative writing (yes, she taught one section of AP stats, one section of creative writing, and she also taught Honors English 11 and regular English 11 for the rest of her sections), you knew that her and your dad would be a great match. So, you confided in Emma and she agreed. Ever since then, you hadn't really let the topic go.

"Fine," you groaned...even though you and your dad both knew that the topic would not be dropped in the slightest.

"Now, do you want me to drive you, or do you want to drive yourself?"

Usually, since he left before you, you'd just drive yourself to school since you were 17 and had been driving for a year now. But, during the first week of school, your dad didn't do his morning workouts, so he always gave you the option if you wanted to ride to school with him.

You pursed your lips. "Fine. I'll ride with you, just cause it'll save me gas."

Jay laughed. "You're not even the one who pays for your gas."

He was right. He was the one who paid for your gas because you had always studied hard...and you played a sport, so you didn't have time for a part-time job. Because of this, Jay decided he'd pay for your gas. But, you did have to work a part-time job in the summer.

"Fine. It prolongs the time before I have to go to the gas station. How's that?" you asked.

"Miss Upton would be proud of how you worded that."

"Maybe you should tell her that, Dad. It'd be a great conversation starter."

***

"So," Emma began as you were warming up for your run after the school day ended, "how'd the chat with your dad go?"

You sighed while jogging. "I don't think it's ever gonna happen. He's too damn stubborn to ask her out and he claims that they're just friends and coworkers. I hate it. They'd be so damn cute together."

"I know," Emma agreed. "You know, I overheard her in the hallway between classes saying that she was going to chaperone the homecoming dance. Maybe your dad could get in on that and that's how they could talk more?" she suggested.

"Emma, that's a great idea, but I really don't want my dad at homecoming. That is awkward as hell."

Emma laughed. "Sorry, didn't think about that."

"Hustle up!" your dad yelled. "Time to stretch!"

You started your normal stretching routine before your dad started to give his normal beginning of the school year speech. "Alright, I need all of you to listen up. I don't want anybody talking over me, you hear me?" You all nodded. "Okay, good. So, I know that some of you have heard horror stories about the old cross country coach who said that if you miss a practice, then you miss a meet...unless it was for being sick." Most of you nodded.

Before your dad started coaching and the other cross country coach retired, a lot of the students hated the previous coach's coaching style. His coaching style was run more to get better at running...which sounded good in theory. But, this didn't actually work. You see, what would end up happening was that he'd make the runs longer and longer. He'd even make the athletes do a long run on Saturday and then a short run (which to him was three miles) on Sunday. If an athlete didn't send him the screenshots from apps like map my run, then they wouldn't be able to race in the next meet. This obviously was a recipe for overtraining and injuries. You heard that one girl even hurt her IT band from running so much! So, it was no surprise that most people hated the coach and so many parents complained, so he stepped down, and then your dad came in to coach.

"That's not how I coach," your dad continued. "School and your grades are really important. So is sleep. I don't want you guys not getting sleep or not getting to spend time with friends or not have other social interactions because you have to practice for two hours and then go home and do homework and get to bed late. I don't want you guys to be sleep-deprived zombies." Most of you laughed at that. "With that being said, if you're overwhelmed and feel like there's not enough time in a day, just come talk to me and we'll figure it out. Whether that's only coming to practice for an hour or taking a few days off to study for an upcoming test or taking time off for a family emergency, we'll figure out what to do." Everyone nodded. "Alright everybody, let's go run the big loop. Keep track of your split times."

***

You were walking inside with Emma to go grab your stuff from your locker after you had finished practice. Perks of having your dad be a teacher? You and your friend could leave your stuff inside instead of bringing it outside with you.

"Just meet me in my room when you're done, Y/N," your dad told you. "Have a good night, Emma."

"You too, Mr. Halstead," she replied.

"How many times do I have to tell you to call me Jay when it's not school or practice hours?" Jay smiled and then walked down the hall to his classroom to retrieve the stuff he had brought with him for the day...with his shirt sticky from sweat since he had run with you guys today.

He walked out of his classroom with his backpack and gym bag, to come face to face with Miss Hailey Upton walking out of her classroom as well.

"Run with the team today, Jay?" she asked.

"Yeah, you know, first week of school, kind of hard to get my early morning runs in when there's so much to do on the classroom side," he answered.

"Understandable. I've been doing mine after I lesson plan and before dinner. Hopefully, I'll be back to nightly runs soon before it starts getting dark earlier and earlier."

"But, when it gets too dark, then you'll be running in the mornings soon...and then it'll be cold," Jay pointed out.

"There's this thing called a treadmill, Jay. I utilize that in the winter."

"That shows that you're an English teacher: you use big words."

Hailey rolled her eyes. "I see you reading books during your lunch period. I know you know big words, you just prefer not to use them."

"Yeah, because I want the kids to think I'm a cool teacher...not a snob."

"I am not a snob!" Hailey jokingly argued.

"I'm kidding, Hailey! I'm kidding! And, I know you lesson plan and grade on your lunch break, too instead of going to the teacher's lounge."

"Spying on me now, huh?"

"Our rooms are right across from each other and we have the same lunch period, what else am I supposed to do?" he laughed.

Hailey sighed dramatically. "Oh, I guess. Tell you what: come to my room during our lunch period and I can give you some good book recommendations."

"I get enough book recommendations from my daughter, thank you very much. But, I guess I can always use more."

"So, see you during tomorrow's lunch period?"

"See you then. Have a good night, Hailey."

"You, too. Tell Y/N I say hi and not to work too hard on all her homework."

Then, they walked down the hallway and Jay walked back towards where you were still chatting with Emma. All the while, he was thanking God that you weren't there during that conversation between him and Hailey because he wouldn't hear the end of it. But, he was also wondering what the hell he'd just gotten into.

***

"You will not believe what I just saw!" Emma whispered to you the next day in your AP gov class.

"What?" you whispered back.

She had forgotten her laptop in her locker and had to go get it. Which, the route to her locker from the classroom you were currently in went right past your dad and Hailey's classrooms.

"Your dad and Miss Upton are in her classroom eating lunch together."

Your eyes practically bulged out of your head. "No way!"

You received a glare from the teacher and were quiet. But, you'd be sure to ask your dad about this when you went home tonight.

***

"Uncle Will's coming over for dinner in an hour," your dad told you when you got inside your house after practice. You had decided to drive yourself to school today instead of riding with him. "How much homework do you have?"

"Uh..." you blanched and set down your backpack and unzipped it. Then, you grabbed your planner and flipped it open, laying it out on the kitchen table. "I have an AP stats worksheet that's due tomorrow, I have to read half a chapter in my AP bio textbook by Monday, I have to read a full chapter of my AP gov textbook by Tuesday, and I have an APUSH assignment due tomorrow. Oh, and I should probably read a chapter of the book I chose to read for my English class plus I have to annotate a few paragraphs of crappy 16th-century literature by tomorrow, too."

"Christ," your dad said. "So, what do you have to do tonight?"

"AP stats worksheet, APUSH assignment, and I have to annotate for English. I could always not read the chapter in the book I chose to read if I don't want to."

"Do you want me to just tell Uncle Will to come over this weekend?" he asked.

Jay know knew you absolutely loved his brother and that you were always excited to tell him about your day and how school was going. It had always been this way because, when Jay found you on his doorstep, he was 22, and had just started undergrad and was working on his teaching degree. Because of this, when Will wasn't studying in his last two years of med school and later working in a hospital as a new resident, he was your go-to babysitter. And you absolutely loved when he came over...despite not being able to remember much because you were so young. Apparently, you had been particularly fascinated by Will's red hair and would pull on it every chance you got. But, he'd let you play with it until it really started to hurt him because you were his favorite (and only) niece and he knew he'd do anything for you. This came in handy as you got older because you realized you had him wrapped around your finger and would always ask him for homework help. Or, if your dad wouldn't give you spending money, you'd go straight to your Uncle Will, and usually, he'd give you some.

"No," you answered. "A doctor needs to know stats, right?"

"I think so," your dad answered. "Why? Are you struggling already? Do you need to go into the regular stats class instead of the advanced one?"

You laughed at your dad's concern. "No, I'm fine. Just figured he'd be able to check it for me to make sure I did everything right."

"Oh, good. And, I'm pretty sure he can do that. Now, go take a shower so you can get started on your homework before he gets here and so I can start on dinner."

***

"Guess what?" you asked as all three of you twirled your spaghetti onto your forks at the dinner table an hour later.

"Chicken butt," Will said.

Jay rolled his eyes. "I swear, I wonder if Mom and Dad were lying when they said that you were older. Maybe I'm the older one and they just lied to us because you sure do act like the younger brother."

"Relax, Jay. Just because I'm more fun than you and Y/N likes me better, does not mean that I'm immature."

"Anyway," you said, wanting to tell Will what you had found out earlier today, "do you want to know what I have to say or not?"

"Go ahead," Will said.

"Okay, so today during AP gov, Emma had to back to her locker to grab her laptop. And she went right by Dad and Miss Upton's classrooms." You paused as you looked over at your dad and saw his eyes slightly widen and then go back to normal. "And they were eating lunch together in her classroom!"

"Awe," Will cooed. "My little brother's back on the market. Good for you, man." Then, he turned to you. "Upton's the short, blonde English teacher you've been trying to set him up with for years now, right?"

"He's not supposed to know about the set-up part!" you hissed.

"Oh, sorry. Jay, forget I said that."

"Y/N, I already you've been trying to set us up," your dad laughed. "It's been kind of obvious."

"Now that that's settled," Will started, "how'd it go? What did you two talk about? And are you having lunch together tomorrow?"

"You two are terrible, you know that?"

"Oh, we know," Will said. "But, you can't ground me, so I can be as terrible as I want."

Jay laughed. "She won't get grounded for that, Will. She might get grounded if she keeps procrastinating her stats homework, though."

"Need help, kiddo?" Will asked. "I have to read stats for things like new drugs and stuff, so I'm good at that. Don't know if I can help you with actually solving the problem because it's been ages since I've done that, but I can try."

"No, thanks, though. I just took a long shower so I have to get it done after dinner. I understand it all, though."

"Good, you can always come to me if you need help with it, though," Will offered. "Or, since it's Miss Upton--" He looked directly at Jay when he said Miss Upton and then turned his attention back to you. "--who's your stats teacher, you can always ask her. But, be sure to drag your dad along with you."

"Will!"

***

Two weeks later

"Might want to tell them to drink a ton of water after this, Jay, because it's so hot," Hailey Upton said as she walked up to Jay Halstead--and Coach Halstead for the next few hours--at an away cross country meet on a Wednesday afternoon in mid-September. "Or better yet, get them some Gatorade."

"Hailey?" Jay asked as he turned around, getting his stopwatch ready. "What are you doing here? And, I'd get them Gatorade if I could. I kinda forgot to pick it up last night."

"I'm here because some kids asked me to come to their meet. And, I always try to come to those things if kids ask me."

Jay cocked an eyebrow. "Would two of those kids be my daughter and her best friend?"

"Among others."

He looked down at the rolling cooler she had brought. "What's with the cooler?"

"Well, you may not have had time to pick up Gatorade, but I did. So, there's one in there for each kid plus the coach...and me of course."

"How'd you know Gatorade would help?" Jay asked. "Other than logic of course."

Hailey laughed. "I've run a few marathons in my life, Jay. I know all about proper hydration and how important it is to refuel after a hot run."

At this, Jay raised his eyebrows. He knew that she ran, but she didn't know that she ran marathons. "Oh, wow. Which ones?"

"You know, the Chicago marathon obviously. Always wanted to do like Boston or someplace, but you have to qualify for those, you can't just go and sign up like here in Chicago. Oh, and I've always wanted to do a Disney marathon. I think it'd be cool, you know? Run through Disney World, maybe hop on some rides during the race."

Jay smiled. "That actually does sound really fun."

The announcer said that it was ten minutes until it was time to race.

"I gotta get to the first mile marker," Jay said.

"Okay, where's our tent? I'll go put this cooler under it."

Jay told Hailey where the tent was and was about to leave when she stopped him.

"Where do I get the maps? I can go to the second mile marker to help out with times in case you can't get there fast enough," she suggested.

"That'd, uh, that'd actually be great, Hailey. Thank you. And, you just get the maps from the table right over there," Jay answered and pointed to a table about 200 meters away.

"Awesome, thanks. See you after the race, Coach," Hailey joked.

Jay nodded and started to jog off toward the first mile marker. But, all the while he wondered what the hell this woman was doing to him. Because he felt his cheeks heating up in a blush as he jogged off.

And, as for Hailey, well she was watching as Jay jogged away and loved the way he ran with perfect form and how his biceps flexed just enough that she could see the muscles slightly bulge.

She laughed to herself. If they ever went running together, she'd have to tell him to loosen up because you weren't supposed to run with your arms as taut as his were; he was wasting energy.

But, for now, she just made her way over to the tent and left the cooler and then went to get a map and start off toward the second mile marker to help out a fellow teacher...well, maybe he was starting to be more than just a fellow teacher. Neither of them really knew at this point. But, Hailey liked the thrill of it all. She felt like she was in high school again...a high school student, not a high school teacher.

***

You panted and winced as you crossed the finish line. Shit, your shin splints were really acting up this time, and God, it was so hot out and you felt nauseous and even had to walk during some points of the race. We'll see what your dad had to say about that.

Wait, was that Miss Upton coming up to you?

It is! She actually came!

"Y/N, are you okay? I saw you walking," she said worriedly while your dad jogged over since you were the last one on your team to finish.

"You good, kid?" your dad asked.

"Yeah, yeah, I'm fine. My shin splints just hurt really bad and I think the heat's making me feel sick."

"Okay, well, I have to go watch the boys and make sure they're ready. Hailey, can you, uh, help Y/N? The medical tent's across from here. Maybe make sure she gets under our team tent without puking and get her something to drink?"

"I can do that, Jay, don't worry."

Emma walked up to you. "Good job!" she exclaimed.

"Girl, I didn't even run as fast as you! You flew through there. But, it's hot as hell!" you said.

"It is really hot. You gonna watch the guys' race?"

"No, Dad told me to sit under our tent in the shade. Gotta get some ice for my shins first, though."

"Shin splints acting up?"

"Yeah."

Then, you, Miss Upton, and Emma walked over to the medical tent where you got bags of ice wrapped around your shins.

***

"I'll run to Mcdonald's and get you ice, too," your dad said before you got in your separate cars back at school after the meet. "What do you want?"

"Uh, a ten-piece nugget--don't forget the honey mustard--a medium fry, and a medium lemonade," you said as your dad typed it into the notes app of his phone. "Thanks."

"I'll see you at home. Drive careful."

"See you in like half an hour."

Then you drove home and decided to start on some homework while still in your sweaty cross country uniform.

When your dad got home, you gobbled down your food because damn, you were hungry after that mentally taxing race. Then, you and your dad filled the bathtub up with ice and cold water.

Time for hell...aka an ice bath. At this point, you'd do anything to prevent your shin splints from getting bad. At least the old coach wasn't coaching because, from all the horror stories you heard, it'd be worse for your shins if he was coaching and not your dad.

After you changed into a pair of spandex shorts and a long-sleeved running shirt and a hoodie, you lowered yourself into the freezing and icy water. You set your phone timer for eight minutes and braved the cold for that long.

Then, after that, you drained the bathtub and took a very hot shower. But, as you were in there, you started feeling nauseous again. You crouched down and actually ended up throwing up a bit in the shower. It was nothing major, you just figured it was from eating too fast. But, you were still really tired.

And this is what you told your dad when you got out of the shower.

"But, I still have homework," you said defeatedly. "I kinda wanna just go to sleep now. It's already 7:00 and I have at least two to four hours of homework to do."

Jay sighed. He never wanted to play this game, but he wasn't going to let you run on not enough sleep tomorrow when you weren't even feeling your best.

"What classes?" he asked.

"Uh, I have to get APUSH done which will take me like at least two hours, and then I have English and stats homework," you answered.

Jay sighed. "I'll give Hailey a call and explain the situation and see if she'll give you an extension on the English and stats homework."

Your eyes widened. "Really?"

"Yes, now go grab some water and get started on your APUSH homework. And.. it will only be a one day extension."

"Thank you, thank you, thank you! You're the best Dad ever!"

Then, you grabbed your water and went back upstairs to your room.

But, all you could think about was that your dad and Miss Upton were talking over the phone outside of school. Maybe they were becoming more than just co-workers.

Jay dialed Hailey's phone number and grabbed a beer from the fridge.

"Jay?" she asked when she answered.

"Hi, Hailey. Yeah, it's Jay. Listen I have a huge favor to ask you," he said.

"What is it?"

"So Y/N puked a bit in the shower, probably because of the amount of sodium in those damn chicken nuggets she wanted, and then she took an ice bath and then a hot shower, so the quick and significant temperature change probably played a role. Anyway, how it happened isn't the point. It's just that she's really tired and she has AP US history homework that she has to finish. So, would it be okay if you gave her a one day extension on her English homework and her stats homework? If not, I completely understand because you can't just make exceptions because she's a teacher's kid and--"

"Jay, relax," Hailey laughed. "Yes, I'll give her the extensions. What is it that you always tell your team? Their physical and mental health comes first?"

Jay chuckled and then took a sip of his beer. "Yeah, that's about right. And, thank you. Y/N will greatly appreciate that."

"No problem. But, I also have a favor to ask you."

Jay cocked his head to the side and raised his eyebrows. "Oh yeah? What's that?"

"So, we're short on chaperones for the homecoming dance and I was wondering if maybe you could chaperone? And, I figured that since you have a kid and would probably want to be there for her pictures before the dance, you don't have to help us set up. Maybe just chaperone and then help us tear down? If not just chap--"

"Hailey, of course, I'll help out. Now, Y/N, she might not be happy that I'll be chaperoning her school dance, but I'll be there. Count me in."

***

2 weeks later, 3 days before homecoming dance

"Okay, I know I'm just your English teacher," Miss Upton started at the beginning of class that day, "but I still care about your guys' safety. So, please, please, please do not drive drunk or buzzed. Call your parents to pick you up. I can absolutely promise you that they'd be happier that you called them to pick you up than you trying to drive home and getting into a car accident."

"What if my parents will be mad at me for drinking anyway?" one kid asked.

"So, if that's the case, you can always call me and I will come pick you up from wherever you're at. I can lose a few hours of sleep to make sure that you guys are home safe." She started writing numbers on the whiteboard. "Right here is my cell phone number, if you think you'll need it, write it down or make it a contact in your phone. Again, I'd rather not come to school on Monday and learn that one of you is in the hospital because of something that could have been prevented."

You pulled out your phone, you didn't think that you'd need Miss Upton's number, but you figured you'd put it in just in case since two girls from your AP gov class asked you to be the DD for a party. You were kind of friends with them, like you studied for tests together, but that was it. But, you had debated it because it was a party after homecoming and you had never been to a party before...let alone one after a dance.

"Oh, Miss Upton," you said as you put your phone face down on your desk.

"Yes, Y/N?" she asked.

"What color dress are you wearing when you're chaperoning the dance?"

"I haven't really thought it much." She furrowed her eyebrows as she wondered why you were asking this question. "But, probably red. Why?"

"Just wondering."

And now, you just needed to make sure that your dad had a red tie and that he actually wore it when he was chaperoning the dance.

***

3 days later, homecoming

"What about this?" your dad asked as he walked out of his room in dress pants, a white shirt, a navy blue tie, and a sport coat.

You were already in your dress and had gotten your hair and nails done earlier in the day, so now you were just waiting to take some pictures with Emma and then actually go to the dance.

"Hmm, I don't know. The shirt and tie are kind of what you wear to work everyday, so I think you need something different. Maybe a brighter tie or something," you said and then walked into his room and opened his closet.

You sifted through the closet until you found what you were looking for: a black shirt and a red tie.

"I think you should wear these," you said and laid the two pieces of clothing on his bed.

"What? Why? You know I never wear red. That tie has been hung up in my closet since you were probably ten," he argued.

"That's the point, Dad! You need to get out of your comfort zone and wear something besides what you wear to school...or in your case, work. It's a dance, so you have to wear something fancy."

Jay groaned. He knew he wasn't going to be able to win this argument.

"Fine. I'll change."

"Good."

Then, you walked out of his room.

Your plan had worked.

***

"Mr. Halstead," Hailey said as she saw Jay walk onto the dance floor a few hours later when all the lights were off and the cleared-out cafeteria became full of students dancing.

"Miss Upton," he greeted. She laughed. "What?"

"It's nothing," Hailey said quickly. "It's just that, well your tie..." she trailed off while his eyes raked down her body in the slightly tight (but not too tight because they were at a school function) spaghetti strap bright red dress that she was wearing. "Let's just say I now know why Y/N asked me what color dress I was wearing."

Jay groaned and shook his head. "My daughter. Always...you know, I don't know what her game is at this point, but I should've suspected something when she told me to go change."

But damn, Jay thought, she does look good in red.

God, Hailey thought, I wish he'd wear those kind of black shirts to work more often.

***

It was now after the dance and you and your dad had arrived back at home at around the same time.

"You're a little devil, you know that?" he asked when you were both inside.

"I have no idea what you're talking about. I plead the fifth," you replied.

"Very funny. You can't do that."

"Yes, I can. You should know this, Dad, you teach government."

"You can plead the fifth in court, but you cannot do it with your dad. So, I know that you asked Hailey what color dress she was wearing just so my tie could match it."

"Oooh, so we're calling her Hailey and not Miss Upton now. I'd say that's a step up. What did you two talk about at the dance? Because I know for a fact that you didn't ask her to slow dance."

"And you didn't slow dance with anyone either, so we're even, kid," Jay retorted.

You rolled your eyes. "I'm gonna go take a shower. Get this hair out."

"Okay." Your dad yawned. "I'm gonna get to bed. Now I know why you sleep until noon the day after dances: they're exhausting."

"Tell me about it. Goodnight. Send Miss Upton-- well, Hailey now-- a text to make sure she got home safe!"

You didn't even wait for your dad's witty reply before you bounded up the stairs and into your bathroom.

But, you didn't actually end up taking a shower. You ran the shower while you washed off your makeup and re-did it into something more party-appropriate and then took down your hair and put it up into a ponytail.

After half an hour, you turned off the shower and wrapped your still dry body in a towel after you had stripped off your dress. You peeked out of the bathroom to see that your dad's bedroom door was closed, which meant that he was asleep.

Then, you tiptoed into your room and changed your clothes.

You pulled out your phone to tell the girls to park a few houses down so your dad didn't hear the car pull in the driveway or see the headlights.

Your plan of going to your very first high school party was a go.

***

It had been two hours since you had snuck out and it was nearing two in the morning. And, you weren't feeling too hot. You had decided not to drink because you were the DD out of you and the two girls from class. And, you had kept the car keys away from them so that they couldn't do anything stupid...and so you could keep them safe. You hadn't drank anything, but you had eaten the fruit off of the top of the spiked punch bowl and, for whatever reason, you were starting to feel lighter and happier.

Shit.

Your dad had warned that fruit soaks up alcohol. How could you have been so stupid to forget that? He was going to kill you! There's no way you could call him to pick you up, absolutely no way!

Somehow, you found your friends, they were by the makeshift bar, no shock there because you knew the only reason they were there was to get drunk. Note to self: if people you only know because of one class ask you to come to a party for the sole purpose of being the DD, do not go.

Luckily for you, one of the girls' boyfriends played on the football team and wasn't going to risk his season just for one party. So, you told him that you needed to leave and that you were the DD and asked if he could get the two girls home safely. He agreed and you passed off the car keys to him.

Then you walked outside, the chilly mid-October night air helping to slow the nervousness coursing through your veins about facing your dad.

You pulled out your phone and hit the contact you had made in class a few days ago.

"Hello? This is Hailey," you heard Hailey's voice on the other end of the phone.

"Miss Upton, it's Y/N Halstead," you said.

"Y/N? Are you okay?" You heard shuffling on the end of the line and assumed that Miss Upton was standing up from somewhere.

"I mean, I'm kinda woozy I guess. But, I snuck out and my dad doesn't know where I am." You hung your head. You couldn't believe you had been so stupid.

"And you had a drink so you can't drive home?" she finished.

"Yeah." She didn't need to know the details. All she needed to know was that you needed help getting home.

"Okay, send me your location and I'll be there soon, okay? Is it safe for you? Do you need me to stay on the phone or call the cops?"

"No, no, I'm perfectly fine. Just need someone to drive me home."

"Okay good. Send me that location and I'll be there soon."

Then, she told you the model of her car and the color so you could spot her easily. Once you were off the phone, you sent her your location and she replied with a thumbs up, telling you that she got it.

Your phone rang. You thought it was Miss Upton, but then you looked down and saw it was your dad.

Double shit.

***

"Please don't tell my dad," you said when you pulled up to your driveway half an hour later.

"Y/N, I have--"

But, she was saved from telling you that she needed to tell your dad when the front door flung open.

Your dad must've seen the headlights.

"Go," Miss Upton said. "You're only prolonging the inevitable if you stay in here."

You sighed. "Will you walk me up?"

"Sure."

So, both you and Miss Upton exited the car.

The minute your dad saw you, he ran down the steps to you.

"Young lady!" he yelled. "Where were you? Do you know how worried I was? You could've gotten seriously hurt!" He paused. "Get over here!"

You knew to listen to him when he pulled out the dad voice.

He put two fingers underneath your chin and tipped your head up. "Breathe. Now."

It was faint, but it was there, your dad smelt stale vodka on your breath...mixed with a citrusy scent and teeth that hadn't been brushed since the previous morning.

He sighed and clenched his teeth. Then, he put his hands down and he finally spotted Hailey. "Hailey, what are you doing here?" he asked, unclenching his jaw.

"I always tell my students that they can call me if they need to get picked up from parties and can't drive. So far, Y/N's the only one who has utilized that."

"Well, thank you. I'm sorry she had to make you come out at this time of night." He turned back to you. "As for you, go inside. Not only did you drink, but you went to a party, too. We'll talk in a few minutes."

You hung your head and made your way inside and sat down on the couch in the living room.

Jay walked up to Hailey. "I'm really sorry about her. But, thank you for getting her home safe. How far did you have to drive? I can give you gas money for all of this on Monday."

"Jay, it's fine. I make this offer for homecoming and prom every year. You don't have to pay me. I just wanna make sure all the kids get home safe, that's all."

"At least let me buy you coffee or something. You brought my little girl home safe when I didn't even know where she was. I think that warrants some type of reward."

"If you want to repay me that bad," Hailey began, "I'm lesson planning and grading at Starbucks tomorrow. I guess you can buy me a coffee."

"Done. Text me the time and I'll be there."

"Will do."

"Now, excuse me, but I have to go deal with my daughter."

"Goodnight, Jay."

"Night, Hailey."

Then, she drove off and back to her house while Jay walked up his front steps and wondered what he was going to say to you.

"Look at me," your dad demanded when he made his way into the living room.

You looked up. "I'm so--"

"No," your dad said quickly, cutting you off. "You don't talk. You only listen. Do you understand me?" You nodded. "Good. Do you know how worried sick I was when I couldn't find you inside? I was beside myself, Y/N. I didn't know where you were, I didn't know if you were hurt. I'd never forgive myself if something happened to you. What you did was stupid and reckless and please do not ever, ever do that again. Never do that again. Do you hear me?"

"Yes," you answered.

"Good."

You took a deep breath before you asked your next question. "Am I in trouble?"

Your dad sighed and sat down next to you. "As much as I want to ground you, no you are not in trouble. I'm just so relieved that you're home safe. And, you made the right decision by not driving and calling someone to pick you up...even if it wasn't me."

"Do you want an explanation as to why I went?" you asked.

"No, God no. I may look calm on the outside, but on the inside, I'm still pissed."

"Can I ask how you knew I snuck out?"

"You forgot to leave your fan on and I knew it was way too quiet in your room."

The doorbell rang.

"Shoot, I forgot to tell your uncle that you're home safe. But, you better go up to bed before me and him talk and think of a punishment for you."

"So you're still mad?" you asked.

"A little mad, but mostly I'm just relieved and disappointed. I thought you knew better." You hung your head. "Now, go to bed."

"Okay." You stood up. "Goodnight, I love you." You gave him a hug.

He gave you a kiss on the forehead. "I love you, too, kid. Now, get to bed."

You went upstairs, but instead of going all the way to your room, you sat down on the landing, intent on listening to your dad's and your uncle's conversation about you.

"Hey, she's home. It's all good," Jay said as he answered the door and then motioned for his brother to come inside.

"Oh, thank God. Where was she?" Will asked as they made their way to the living room and sat down on different couches, facing each other.

"Apparently she went to a party. I know she drank because I smelled alcohol on her breath. It was just a bit, but it was there."

"If you want, we can bring her to Med and I can do a tox screen to see the level of alcohol in her system," Will suggested.

"You know, that's not a bad idea actually."

Jay quickly stood up, but Will stopped him. "I'm kidding, man! Don't do that! She was still lucid when she came home, right?"

"Yeah, she was walking and talking normally."

"Okay, then sit your ass back down and don't drag your daughter to Med. Did you ground her?"

"No, I actually didn't."

"There's a shock. You always said you'd ground your kid if they snuck out. Oh, how things changed."

"I was just so relieved," Jay said and sat back down. "When Hailey pulled in the driveway and Y/N got out of her car--"

"Wait," Will started, cutting Jay off, "Hailey picked her up? Hailey Upton?"

"Yeah," Jay answered. "Apparently she'll give out her phone number to the kids in case they need to get home safe from somewhere after prom and homecoming. And, Y/N called her and not me."

"I wouldn't call you either," Will joked. "You'd probably scream at her in front of everyone at the party."

"I would not!" Will cocked his head to the side. "Okay, maybe, but that's beside the point. All that matters is that Y/N had the wherewithal to know that she couldn't drive and she solved that problem. God, Will, the amount of adrenaline that left my body when I saw her get out of that car was astronomical."

"I bet. So, do you know where she went?"

"I just know it was some party. She got lectured when she got home, don't worry about that." Jay put his head in his hands.

"What? What's wrong, Jay?"

"Anything could've happened to her, Will, and I wouldn't have been there to protect her. I wouldn't have been able to protect my own kid."

"Jay, you can't blame yourself. Hell, most teenagers do this stuff."

"I know, I know. It's just that her grades have been slipping slightly and I'm wondering if I should have her transfer schools." Your eyes widened as you listened to that part of the conversation. "Maybe, having her dad teach at the same school isn't helping her. She went to a party, Will. Maybe it's the kids she's meeting in class, maybe being at another school would be better for her."

"Jay, you can't make a decision like that based on one stupid decision the kid did." He knew his brother was torn up about this, so he changed the subject. "What'd Hailey say?"

"I offered to pay for her gas, but she shut me down."

"Anything else?"

Jay sighed. He knew his brother wouldn't let up. "We're going out for coffee tomorrow to grade. She said I can repay her by buying her coffee there."

"Aw, you're going on a date."

"It is not a date! It's just two coworkers working in a coffee shop together...in their off time."

"Sure, keep telling yourself that."

A few minutes later, the conversation was over and Jay walked Will out, so you made your way to your room.

One thing was for sure: you were not giving your dad another opportunity to even think about you switching schools.

It was time to grind...starting tomorrow because you desperately needed to sleep right now.

***

You woke up around 11:00 the next day, which was Sunday. Then you got up and went downstairs to eat some breakfast.

"Morning," your dad said. "I made breakfast sandwiches. There's two in the fridge if you want one...or both."

"Thanks," you said. You wanted to ask if he was still mad, but you didn't really want to have an argument right when you woke up.

But, being around teenagers all day must've given your dad a sixth sense.

"Listen, kid, I'm not mad at you if that's what you're worried about. You just... you scared me last night. If something happened to you because I couldn't protect you-- because, as a parent, it is my first responsibility to keep you safe. Anyway, if I couldn't keep you safe because I didn't know where you were, I would never be able to forgive myself."

"Can I tell you why--"

"No. As a teacher at the school, the less I know the better. I really don't want to have to tell the administration and then get kids suspended from their sports for drinking. So, all I know is that you snuck out, went to a party, and drank. I don't wanna know who else was there or whose house it was at."

"But, I--"

"Y/N, end of discussion. Now, I have to go and meet Hail-- Miss Upton, for coffee since she so graciously picked you up when you made a bad decision last night. Don't do anything stupid when I'm gone or else you will be in trouble, got it?"

"Yeah, I got it. I'm just gonna study for the SATs."

"Good idea. Be back later. I love you."

"Love you, too, Dad."

***

"...And whatever she's having," Jay said and slid over so that the barista could input Hailey's order.

"Just a grande vanilla sweet cream cold brew, please," Hailey ordered.

Jay paid and then he and Hailey waited by the other side of the counter for their drinks to be ready.

Jay laughed. "You and my daughter have the same taste. You both like vanilla sweet cream cold brews."

"I'm shocked you let her get that with the amount of caffeine in cold brew," she said.

"Eh, it's just like once a week. On my rest day when I don't have to be at school before dawn to run, I'll grab her and I something from Starbucks, and then she'll just stop by my room to get it before school starts."

"That's nice of you," Hailey mused.

"Yeah, but nothing compared to Miss I have coffee in my room for the kids and you can drink as much as you want Upton."

"If you've ever heard kids talk about how little sleep they get like I do since I teach AP classes, then you'd get why I do that, Halstead. I hear kids saying that they normally only get four hours of sleep a night because they're up so late doing homework. While I don't think they should become dependent on caffeine at such a young age and need to be getting a lot more sleep than that, they need to stay awake during school. That's also probably the reason why you and I don't give a lot of homework."

"And it's ridiculous how early school starts anyway," Jay said and grabbed their drinks off the counter.

"I'll drink to that," Hailey laughed and then poked her straw in her cold brew and took a sip.

Once they took their seats, they talked a little before starting to grade and lesson plan.

"Not to pry or anything," Hailey began, "but did you ground Y/N? You don't have to answer it if you don't want to, I'm not her parent, so I know I'm not the least bit entitled to that information."

"Well, you did pick her up when she needed help, so I'd say you are entitled to that information," Jay chuckled. "But, to answer your question, no I didn't ground her just because I was so relieved that she was home. The amount of adrenaline and cortisol that dropped in my body when I saw her get out of your car was amazing, Hailey. Thank you so much." He paused and took a sip of his cappuccino. "But, we did have a talk about how she shouldn't be doing that because it's dangerous and if something happened to her, that I wouldn't be able to help her and since I'm her parent, my first job is to keep her safe. She does know that if she sneaks out or goes to a party again, I will be grounding her, though."

"Well, you had a much different and a way better reaction than my dad did when he learned that I snuck out," Hailey muttered.

But, Jay had great hearing and heard her. He put down his coffee and furrowed his eyebrows. "What happened? You don't have to tell me anything you aren't comfortable with."

"Why did you become a teacher?" Hailey asked instead.

"Why did I become a teacher?" Jay repeated and Hailey nodded. "Well, as you know I was in the Rangers in Afghanistan and, while I was there I saw so many kids walking super far to schools or us accompanying children to school. They had to go through so much just to get to school, and I wanted to make a difference in kids' lives here Stateside. So, when I came home, I enrolled in college and got my degrees in education and a minor in history." Hailey had known that he was a veteran, which explained why he took every September 11 off, but she didn't know he became a teacher because of what he saw over there. "What about you?" he asked. "You went into social work before you became a teacher, right?"

For the past almost month and a half, the two teachers had been eating lunch together in either Hailey or Jay's classroom, and during those, they obviously talked about their experience with education and what made them want to go into the teaching field. Hailey mentioned one time that she was originally a social work major but then switched it to education. But, Jay didn't know why.

"Yeah, yeah, I was originally a social work major. But, it uh, it brought up some really bad memories and I didn't think I could handle being around that all day," Hailey answered, staring directly at her coffee.

Jay cocked his head to the side. "What do you mean? Again, you don't have to tell me anything you don't want to."

"Um, it's okay. It's a part of my past. So, why I said that you were a lot nicer to Y/N when she snuck out was because, well, when my dad found out that I did, he uh, he..." she trailed off.

Jay's gaze was soft and sad as he finished for her. "Physical?" he asked, referring to the type of abuse she had endured as a child and teenager.

"Yeah," she whispered.

"Hailey, I am so, so sorry that happened to you. I'm honored that you'd tell me this."

"It's uh, it's why I give those kids my phone number in case they need help. And, at the beginning of the year, it's on my syllabus, too," she said.

"In case they need a way out, they can call you," Jay said, piecing it together.

Hailey nodded.

Jay reached across the table and gently grabbed Hailey's hand in his. "You're a good woman, Hailey Upton."

She smiled sadly and nodded, grounding herself by focusing on the feeling of Jay's hand in hers.

"Do you want to get started on grading now?" she asked after a minute had passed.

"That might be a good idea," Jay laughed. Then, he let go of Hailey's hand. But, neither of them wanted that little handhold to end.

***

One month later

God, you were in pain. You didn't wanna get out of bed; you just wanted to sleep. Hell, you needed sleep.

Over the past month, you had thrown yourself into studying. You wanted to stay at this school. You loved all your teachers and you didn't want to leave your friends, especially your best friend Emma. And, you were also scared that if you had to transfer schools, that you might not do well on your AP exams or that you'd have a bunch of other requirements that the new school had that you'd have to do the last half of your junior year and during the entirety of your senior year.

You didn't want any of that.

So, you had come up with a plan.

The day after homecoming and that next week, you studied an hour or two hours later than normal. But, you still felt that you had work to do if you didn't want your dad to transfer you at the end of the semester. So, during your study hall hour, you'd go to the teachers and ask how you could get your B+ up to an A- or your A- up to an A. You'd even review questions you got wrong on quizzes so that you could get them right when those types of questions showed up on the tests.

Yes, the teachers probably thought you were crazy because you had good grades already and were trying to be Little Miss Perfect (or they thought that you were trying to get into another scholarship bracket for college or trying to become valedictorian), but you didn't care if you looked crazy. You wanted to finish your high school career at the school you were at now.

Also during this time, you had been "going to sleep" around 10:00-11:00, which was your normal time, just so that your dad didn't get suspicious. But, what you'd actually do was sleep for an hour-ish and then get up and study more.

It started with you studying until midnight and at the latest 1:30 in the morning...and then you'd wake up five hours later at 6:30. It wasn't ideal, but you could manage. Because, since your dad went to school earlier than you, you just brought extra coffee to school and he didn't notice a thing.

But, since all the teachers wanted to get their tests in before Thanksgiving break, for the past two weeks, you had been doing your power nap thing so your dad assumed that you were asleep, and then would wake up and do homework and study until 3:00-3:30 in the morning. This meant, that during the week, you were running on just three to three and a half hours of sleep a night. And, it wasn't like you could catch up a ton on the weekend, or else your dad would get suspicious. So, you just got like seven or maybe eight hours of sleep on the weekends. So, you were constantly in a state of sleep debt and in desperate need of caffeine.

You had done the extra cup of coffee for the first two weeks, but for the past two weeks, you had been drinking two cups of coffee at your house before school and finishing the second cup at school right before classes start, but then going into Miss Upton's classroom and getting another cup of coffee. Then, you'd also get another one from her room a little after lunch. (You made sure to never go in there during her lunch period because your dad and her still ate lunch together and you didn't want him to get suspicious.) Also, sometimes you and Emma would go to Starbucks to study after school. So, lately, you had been averaging four to five cups of coffee during the week and just two on the weekends. Because, again, you couldn't have your dad getting suspicious.

And, your dad and Miss Upton ran together in the morning before school now, so you really had to be careful about what you told Miss Upton. You couldn't have her telling your dad that you were drinking a couple additional cups of coffee. You just told her that your coffee never stayed warm long enough when you brought it from home, which is why you opted for hers. And, she bought it.

To cover the bags under your eyes, you had been wearing a bit of extra foundation and cover-up. And, to make sure that your dad didn't notice at home, you'd wash off all your makeup after school, but then quickly redo the area under your eyes.

So far, he was oblivious.

But, for a week and a half, your stomach had been super achy and you couldn't stand to eat anything in the morning before you had at least one cup of coffee. So, what would typically happen was that you'd end up eating a bowl of overnight oats in your car in the school parking lot before walking inside so that your coffee had time to digest. You figured out that you were fine after that. Well, it was still achy, but not as bad as in the morning.

God, you wish you were at that point right now.

For the past five days, you've been feeling nauseous and your stomach has been achy, but in the morning, there'd be a stabbing pain before you had any coffee. You'd roll out of bed when your alarm went off and go straight downstairs to get coffee because that seemed to be the only thing--besides ibuprofen--that would alleviate the pain.

But right now, right now was the worst you had ever felt in your entire life. You felt like someone was stabbing your stomach and it wouldn't let up. You felt nauseous like you'd puke any second. And, trying to get into another position didn't help. Nothing helped.

Fuck, you had to swallow your pride and your secrecy and go tell your dad.

You needed help and you needed it now.

So, you got up. But, that just made it worse. You swallowed, trying to keep the lump in your throat and not have it go on the floor.

You whimpered and then walked a few steps and opened your bedroom door.

Then, you threw yourself on the floor and crawled across the hallway.

You held your breath as you stood up, anticipating a ton of pain--which came--when you stood up and opened the door to your dad's room.

Then, you went back on the floor and crawled in there with tears streaming down your face.

It took all your energy to whisper, "Daddy."

***

Jay blinked sleepily. He thought he heard his daughter mumble "Daddy", which she hadn't called him in years. But, then he heard it again.

He looked down and saw a figure curled up in a ball on the floor.

"Daddy, make it stop, please," you whimpered.

He quickly flicked on the light so that he could get a better look at you.

"Y/N, baby, what's wrong?" he asked quickly when he saw your tears, your face contorted in pain, and how jagged your breathing was.

"Hurts," you whimpered as more tears fell and you clutched your stomach.

He jumped out of bed and knelt down next to you. "Your stomach?" he asked urgently. You nodded. "Can you sit up?"

You nodded and leaned against his bed. But, that was a bad idea because the minute you were upright, you puked right down yourself. You groaned and pressed down more on your stomach, which just caused you to vomit more and more.

The minute you started to vomit, Jay looked at the clock. He started to soothe you by rubbing your back, but then quickly stopped and ran into the adjoining bathroom to grab the trashcan and put it underneath your mouth instead.

"There you go, there you go," he soothed as he held the trashcan with one hand and rubbed your back with the other. "Get it out. It's okay. It's okay. I'm right here. I'm right here, Y/N."

But, when you puked for almost four minutes straight and were still in pain after, Jay knew something was seriously wrong.

"Don't get up, you'll make it worse," he said. You nodded weakly. "I'm gonna go grab you some water and Gatorade and put those and a bowl in the car. Then, we're gonna go to Med to get you checked out." You nodded again. "I'll be right back. I love you."

He gave you a quick kiss on the forehead and then sprinted off into the kitchen to grab the stuff he previously mentioned. Then, he ran outside and unlocked his car, turned it on to start heating up, put that stuff in the backseat, and sprinted back inside.

"Y/N, you still awake?" he asked when he walked back into his room.

"Mhm," you hummed with your eyes still closed and your hands still clutching your stomach.

"Okay, I'm gonna throw on a hoodie and my shoes, and then I'm gonna run into your room and grab you some shoes and a hoodie because it's pretty cold out. Are you okay here?" you nodded slowly. "Okay, I'll be right back. Don't get up."

Five minutes later, you had your shoes and hoodie on. You weren't much help getting those on; your dad basically had to dress you as if you were a baby again.

"I'm gonna pick you up and bring you to the car and we're gonna go to Med to see Uncle Will."

"Uh huh," you said, letting your dad know that you had heard him. Then, you felt yourself being lifted off the ground and soon felt the chill of the late November air and then the leather seats of your dad's truck on your back and the warmth of the truck.

"There's water and Gatorade. I want you to take a few sips," your dad said. "There's a bowl, too in case you have to puke again."

You drank a few sips of Gatorade and then laid back down and closed your eyes.

As your dad backed out of the driveway, he called Will to explain the situation and tell him that the two of you were on your way to Chicago Med.

After the call, he threw his phone into the passenger seat and reached his left hand into the backseat, and grabbed one of your hands. You gripped your dad's hand weakly as he drove as fast he could to Chicago Med.

He had to make sure that his little girl was okay.

***

"We've got a treatment room right here," Maggie said when she saw Jay sprinting into the ED with you in his arms.

She quickly led him to it and he laid you down in the bed.

Will rushed in with Natalie and April a few seconds later.

"Y/N, Y/N, can you hear me?" Natalie asked.

"Hurts," you mumbled.

"Jay," Will started, "did she puke on the way here at all?"

"No, no, she didn't. She just puked for almost four minutes straight at home and it's worse when she sits or stands up. She's been clutching her stomach since she woke up."

"Gonna- gonna--" you started to heave and a pink basin was thrust under your mouth and then you emptied the few sips of Gatorade into the basin. You started to cry even harder once you finished. "Make it stop, make it stop! Please make it stop!"

Natalie turned to your dad. "Do we have permission to administer medications?"

"Please," he answered, his voice cracking. He was terrified. He was terrified something was seriously wrong. He had never seen you in so much pain. "You have permission. Just please help her."

April pushed antinausea and pain medications as well as a light sleeping medication because it was apparent that, along with puking and being in a world of pain, you were also utterly exhausted.

"Y/N," April started, "you're going to get sleepy soon. But, can you give us your pain level on a scale of one to ten?"

"Ten. My stomach hurts at a ten," you answered while tears still ran down your face.

"Did you eat anything you weren't used to? Drink anything?"

"No, no," you panted. "Just- just lots of coffee. Not a lot of sleep. Studying."

Will and Natalie shared a look. They knew what this could be. And, at least they got it out of you now, because it was clear that the meds were starting to work and you were fading fast.

"Hun," Natalie began, "we're gonna leave April in here with you in case you get sick again. Is it okay if me, your Uncle Will, and your dad have a chat outside real quick?"

"Want my dad. Please."

Natalie smiled sadly. "Okay, he'll stay. We can talk to him later."

Your dad reached for your hand and held it and rubbed his thumb over the top while you drifted into a medication-induced sleep.

Five minutes later, you were out.

Jay looked at his brother. "What's going on? What's wrong with my kid?"

"From what she told us, it sounds like the acid in the coffee she's been drinking has been irritating her stomach lining. Has she been drinking a lot of coffee lately?" Will asked.

"Not that I've noticed. But, sometimes there's a little less in the coffee pot than I think there should be. But, even if she is drinking two cups, that can't cause this, can it?" Jay asked worriedly.

"No, two cups shouldn't. But, if she isn't sleeping a lot, sometimes lack of sleep can make people feel pretty crappy. So, if she's drinking more than her normal amount of caffeine and not sleeping, then that could be what's causing it."

"But, she goes to bed at her normal time," Jay argued.

"That doesn't mean that she's sleeping. She could be lying awake in bed. Has she seemed more tired to you?"

"No, not that I've noticed. Uh, what do I do, Will? Can't you run some tests?"

"I mean, I can run one to see if she's sleep-deprived, it's a plasma cortisol test. If her levels are elevated, that means she's not getting enough sleep. But, it wouldn't give us the reason why her stomach's hurting so bad and why she's nauseous and vomiting," Will answered.

"Then don't run the test," Jay said. "If it's not going to figure out the problem, then I don't want to put her through that. But, what do we do?"

"If it's what I think, an irritated stomach lining, then we keep her for observation for a few days, ween her off of caffeine to a healthy amount, give her antinausea and pain medications, and just wait for her to go home until she feels better," Will answered.

"Okay. I guess we wait. You mind grabbing me some coffee?"

Will laughed because they had just been talking about how you had been possibly drinking too much coffee and now Jay was asking for it. "Yeah, I can do that. My shift ends in an hour, so I'll be down here to wait with you then."

Jay smiled. "Thanks, man."

***

It was 7:30 in the morning the next day, which was Thanksgiving Day, when Jay's phone rang, waking him up. He answered it without checking the caller ID because he didn't want to disturb your peaceful sleep.

"Hello?" he asked groggily.

"Jay? Where are you and Y/N?" he heard Hailey's voice through the phone.

Shit, the Turkey Trot, he thought.

He and you always ran the Turkey Trot every Thanksgiving, sometimes dragging Will along if he didn't have to work. Then, you'd have your Thanksgiving feast later in the day. Granted, your dad had to keep pace with you for the entire time, so it really wasn't a race. But, it was a nice bonding experience, so the two (sometimes three of you) kept it up.

Jay had mentioned it to Hailey one morning when they were running the indoor track before school started, and she said she'd sometimes run it, too. So, Jay had invited her to run it with him and you, and she agreed.

You were convinced that Miss Upton and your dad were secretly dating.

But, Miss Upton had been waiting for you and your dad at the designated meeting spot for half an hour now. And, Jay Halstead was not one to be late.

"Listen, me and Y/N aren't going to be able to make it. She had some stomach issues last night and now she's in the hospital and the doctors are trying to figure out what's wrong," Jay said.

"Oh my God," she said as she started to walk away from their planned meeting spot and towards the parking garage where she parked her car. "What hospital are you at?"

"Chicago Med," Jay answered. "Why?"

"I'm gonna find someplace that's open and grab breakfast and then I'll be there."

"Hailey, you don't have to."

"Jay, I want to do this. I'll be there within the next hour."

Then, without waiting for him to protest once more, she ended the call.

***

When you woke up a few hours later, you rubbed your eyes, despite the IV in your hand, and rolled over.

"Well good morning, or almost afternoon," your uncle Will said and stood up. "How's the pain on a scale of one to ten?"

"Uh, maybe a six, seven?" you said.

But then, you looked around the room.

Why was Miss Upton here?

"I'll go get a nurse and let you three talk," Will said and then left the treatment room.

You looked at your dad and raised your eyebrows. At the same time, the achiness in your stomach started up again and you clutched it.

"Gonna be sick?" your dad asked.

"I don't know," you answered.

He handed you the pink basin anyway (a clean one because last night's was gross and went off to get cleaned) and you set it on your lap.

"Feel like you can eat anything?" your dad asked. "Hailey brought food...and coffee, but we'll have to check with the nurses about how much coffee you can drink."

"You brought it?" you asked as you looked at Miss Upton.

She smiled. "I did. I called your dad to see why you two weren't at the Turkey Trot yet, and he said you two were here, so I figured I'd find somewhere that's open and get you breakfast." She rummaged around in the bag and pulled out a container. "He mentioned you were having stomach issues so I opted for something light, so the fruit and nut oatmeal from Mcdonald's. I also grabbed a packet of syrup in case you wanted it sweeter."

She passed the food to you along with a spoon and a napkin. "Thank you," you said as you took them from her. "Sorry I messed up your run."

Hailey laughed. "It's okay. My run's the least of my problems. Me and your dad just want you to get better."

You tried to hide your smile. She said she and your dad. She cared about you more than she did other students...and you were just waiting for them to slip up and call each other babe at this point.

"Hey, I'm back," Will announced as he walked into the room. This time, he had Dr. Choi and Monique in tow. "Natalie and April have Thanksgiving off, so you have Dr. Choi as your doctor and Monique as your nurse."

You nodded.

"Hi, Y/N, I'm Dr. Choi, as your brother just mentioned. Monique here is just going to check your vitals." You nodded again. "I understand you've been having some stomach issues. Can you tell me when they started? Any changes to your diet or routine that I should know about?"

Here goes nothing.

You looked at your dad as tears formed in your eyes. "I'm sorry," you said. "I'm sorry I didn't tell you."

Your dad moved his chair closer to you and gently grabbed your hand. "Tell me what, baby?"

"I- I went to that party because--"

"Y/N, how many times do I have to tell you that I don't want to know why because I'm a teacher? Me and Miss Upton are both teachers."

"But I didn't go to drink at all! I hadn't even planned on drinking! I didn't even drink a drink!" you yelled, causing Monique to take a step back. You took a deep breath and turned to her. "Sorry, sorry. I'll be calm so you can do your job." After a few breaths, Monique went back to checking your vitals and you continued your story. "These two girls I know from my AP gov class asked me to come to the party to be their DD. So, I went. But, when I was there, I ate the fruit from the punch bowl and I forgot that the fruit absorbs the alcohol. I'm sorry."

"And when you realized what happened, you called Miss Upton?" your dad asked.

"Yeah," you confirmed. "And, I even made sure to give the car keys to one of the girl's boyfriends who wasn't drinking because he plays sports so that they'd get home safely."

Jay smiled slightly; he had taught you well.

"Did you keep drinking consistently after?" Dr. Choi asked. He couldn't see one drink causing all these problems.

"No, God no!" you said. But, then you clutched your stomach and took in a deep breath.

"Pain?" Dr. Choi asked.

"Yeah, it's not as bad as last night, though."

He looked to your dad. "If she wants more pain meds, will you allow it?"

"Yes," your dad answered.

"Do you want more pain meds?" Dr. Choi asked.

"Please," you answered.

So, Monique started to get the pain medication ready to go into your IV and then pushed the meds.

A few minutes later, once the medication had started to work, you continued your story.

"I heard you and Uncle Will talking," you said.

"When?" your dad asked. "Me and Uncle Will talk a lot."

"The night I snuck out. You and Uncle Will were talking and you said that you might make me transfer schools if my grades don't get better. I don't want to transfer schools, Dad."

Your dad sighed. "Kid, I was mad, but in reality, I wouldn't do that. That was just me being angry and trying to find a solution when I wasn't in the right headspace. Were you so nervous that your stomach hurt all the time?" he asked.

"No," you answered. "but, I started staying up later and doing homework."

"Really? You always seemed asleep to me."

"I'd sleep for an hour and then wake up and study more." Your dad sighed. "I'm sorry. And then I was just sleeping for like three hours, so I'd drink four or five cups of coffee a day and my stomach hurt so bad in the morning if I didn't drink any coffee, so I'd eat breakfast in my car before school."

"For how long?" your dad asked. "For how long have you been bottling this up? For how long have you been waiting to eat breakfast?"

"The stomach aches started a week and a half ago. I'm sorry I didn't tell you." You started to cry harder.

"Hey, hey it's okay. We know what happened now, so hopefully, Dr. Choi and everyone else here can fix it." He looked up at Dr. Choi who had been intently listening as well. "Right, Doc?"

Dr. Choi smiled. "That's right, Y/N. And, what it seems to me is that you've just been drinking too much coffee, and coupled with the lack of sleep, have had abdominal cramping and nausea due to all the caffeine irritating your stomach lining. So, what we'll do is ween your caffeine intake back down to one to two cups of coffee per day, not go cold turkey because you'll probably feel pretty crappy if we did that, and then continue giving you pain meds and antinausea meds. We'll probably keep you here a few days upstairs in a recovery room just for observation to make sure nothing else is going on."

"So, I have to spend my whole Thanksgiving break in the hospital?" you asked.

"I'm afraid so," he answered.

"Well, this sucks." You looked at the table next to Miss Upton. "Is that coffee for me?"

"It is. I don't know if you can have it, though," she answered.

"She can have it," Dr. Choi answered. "Just, no more after this one seeing as that's a large."

You nodded.

"I got you a vanilla iced coffee. Since apparently, we have the same taste because your dad said you also like vanilla sweet cream cold brews as much as me," Miss Upton said and then handed you the coffee.

"Seeing as everything looks good, me and Monique will check on you later." He turned to the three adults in the room. "If she pukes up that food or her stomach pain gets worse, come get us."

"Will do, Doc," your dad answered.

"Jay," Hailey started, "can I talk to you for a minute? Outside?"

Jay furrowed his eyebrows slightly but nodded. "Of course. Be right back, Y/N. I love you."

"I love you, too, Dad," you said.

Then, your dad and Miss Upton left the room.

Outside the treatment room, Hailey took a deep breath, grounding herself as she prepared to talk to Jay.

"I'm sorry," she blurted out.

"For what?" Jay asked, utterly confused.

"I knew she was drinking extra coffee but didn't tell you! Well, she told me when she brought it from home, that it would get cold too fast, so she always came to my room and had two cups during the day. If I knew she was drinking some at home, too, I would've never let her have any. I'm so, so sorry, Jay!"

"Hailey," Jay began and placed his hands on her shoulders, "it's not your fault. Hell, I didn't even notice it and she's my daughter."

"I know, but I just feel slightly responsible for her being in that hospital bed--"

"It's not your fault, Hailey. I promise. I don't blame you one bit and I know Y/N doesn't either."

Meanwhile, back in the treatment room, you really needed to use the bathroom.

"Uncle Will?" you asked, causing him to look up from his phone where he was trying to figure out what restaurants were open for dinner on Thanksgiving. He really didn't want him and his family eating hospital cafeteria food for Thanksgiving dinner.

"Hmm?" he hummed and gave you his full attention.

"I really need to go to the bathroom," you told him.

He pocketed his phone and stood up and moved over to you. "Okay, I'm gonna help you up and with one arm, I'll hold on to you and with the other, I'll hold onto the IV pole for you. Is that okay?" You nodded. "Do you think you'll need help in the bathroom? I can grab a nurse if you need me to," he offered.

"No, just help me to the bathroom, please. I should be good when I get in there."

"Okay." Then, he helped you up and the two of you made your way over to the bathroom where he stood and waited while you went inside.

Back with Hailey and Jay, Jay reassured Hailey once again that none of this was on her.

"If anything," Jay began, "I should be thanking you. You got Y/N home safe after that party."

"Jay, we've been over this. I would've done it for any one of my students," she said.

"But, would you take their dad up on their offer of buying you coffee if it wasn't my kid you picked up?" Jay asked and tilted his head to the side.

"Probably not," Hailey said, a blush rising to her cheeks.

"Can I ask why?" She stayed silent. "Listen, Hailey, it's been a long time since I've seen you as just a fellow teacher," Jay admitted.

She looked up at him. "Since we're all sharing secrets today, it's been a long time since I've seen you as a fellow teacher, too, Jay."

Jay smiled and moved a piece of her hair behind her ear. He leaned in. "Can I?" he asked.

He didn't get a response because she quickly pressed her lips against his. It was the kiss she had been waiting for since she asked him to eat lunch with her that first week of school.

You and your uncle Will had chosen that exact time to make your way back to your treatment room. You two had seen everything: your dad putting a strand of Hailey's hair behind her ear and them leaning in and kissing.

You were glad that one of your hands was free because you whacked Will across the chest in excitement.

It was finally happening!

Jay and Hailey pulled away and looked at each other and smiled.

"I uh, I hope that was okay," Hailey said quietly.

"Oh, it was more than okay. I'd happily do that again, but we should probably get back into Y/N's room. She's probably wondering what's taking us so long," Jay said.

Hailey laughed. "Probably."

The two turned around and saw you and Will standing thirty feet away. Jay's eyes widened. "Uh..." he trailed off as Hailey blushed hard.

"Finally!" you exclaimed.

"Yeah, I agree with Y/N on this one," Will laughed. "But, who would've thought? A government teacher and an English teacher?" He started to help you walk back to your treatment room but turned his head back to Jay and Hailey. "Oh, don't stop on our account."

"Will!"

A/N: hank you guys so, so, so much for reading! Again, please remember to like/reblog and comment because I love reading all your comments and seeing that you liked/reblogged because that means you enjoyed reading the imagine! Again, I am donating all my proceeds on buy me a coffee until the end of AU-gust to Save The Children to help the children in Afghanistan. Buy me a coffee here.

As always, if you want to be added to my taglist, just tell me and I’d be happy to add you!

Taglist: @theambracer88@virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e @i-like-sparkly-things @herecomesthewriterwitch @liampayne88

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Episode 4 Transcript: Everybody Has Deleted Ecosia and Now the World Will End

[Garageband Good Omens theme song plays]

C: Hello! My name is Crystal.

G: And my name is Grey.

C: And this is Rubbish and Probably a Podcast, a Good Omens commentary podcast where I, someone who has seen this show too many times…

G: And I, someone who only knows this show through Crystal, discuss every single episode of Good Omens.

C: For today’s episode, we are discussing Season 1, Episode 4: “Saturday Morning Funtime.”

C: I think that Aziraphale’s a really good character, and I like him. [laughs] That's how I feel.

G: I felt about this episode very closely to how you worded it once when you were DMing me while live-watching it, like, while rewatching it. And at some point you said, "Oh, Crowley, just leave! Like, we don't need Aziraphale." And then a couple of minutes later, you went, "Never mind, I just got to the gavotte scene. We do need Aziraphale." [both laugh] And that is how I feel about this episode. We do, in fact, need Aziraphale.

C: I feel like Danica's opinion is that after Episode 3 of Season 1, quality decreases really fast 'cause it gets too whimsical and things like that. And I think I can definitely see that perspective, but I also find the way that consequences are catching up to Crowley and Aziraphale this episode very satisfying to me, narrative-wise, so like, it makes me forget the rest of the episode.

G: I think this show is a show that, when it was made, was made with the intention of being binged. So, you know, it's like, a short season, and the story is very continuous and all that crap. But because I am consuming it in a week-to-week basis, I think that like, benefits it, actually. Like, I don't think this is a decrease in the quality or pace or whatever. Like, I am still very very very very intrigued about how the next episode is gonna happen and all that crap. And I think that is mostly because I have time to sit down and be like, "Oh no! Oh no!" And I'm like, bound by the laws of podcasting that I cannot watch the next episode.

C: This is true.

G: Okay, let us start! Let us start.

C: We open with, like, the captain of a cruise ship. sort of like, recording something, and, I mean, the vibe is just like, they were like, sailing to Hawaii, and then they discovered a raised landmass that is the lost city of Atlantis, and they, you know, meet the people. They seem fun and nice. Blah blah blah. It's real. Meanwhile, Adam is walking about with the "make it happen, make it real" voices whispering in his head louder and louder. We cut to him and his friends, and they're walking around talking about The New Aquarian magazines. Basically, Adam keeps claiming that things are real, like, a man called Charles Fort who can make it rain fish and aliens giving messages of goodwill but the government hushing it up and all of that, and his friends start going, "Hey, I don't actually think this stuff is real?" But Adam says, "No," 'cause it's in magazines. It's not on the Internet. So it has to be real. And he ends with saying, "Of course it's true. What I say is true." It ends with a news story about Atlantis being real, so that's sort of like, I guess what begins the awareness of the kids that like-

G: Something's happening.

C: Yeah, something's happening or Adam's, just like, really good at being correct.

G: Yeah, I quite like the roat- How do you pronounce that? Is it root? I think it's route. I like the route that they have taken with Adam. I don't know. 'Cause I think in my previous predictions, right, I always was of the opinion that Adam was like, gonna turn out to be a good kid or whatnot. But this episode, he is truly a menace. And yeah. It's wonderful! I love it! [C laughs]

C: I think that him becoming evil or whatever is done quite realistically. Like, it really is just like, "This is a kid who, like, has lived a selfish life, and they have a lot-" Well, he. I don't know why I they/them-ed Adam. Okay, this kid has a lot of power and has sort of been hit with all this information that makes him hopeless, so now he's just like, lashing out. Like, it makes sense to me, and it's like, very different than, I guess, whatever Hell had planned for him with just Crowley going around and telling him that he wants to take over the world or whatever. Like, he was left alone, and he still does want to end the world, but for reasons that feel very, human.

G: Yeah. Now we go to Aziraphale, and he is in a park. He's walking around. He sees like, an angel statue, like, one of those human statues, and he looks at it and goes, "Huh." And then right beside him, we see Gabriel, AKA John Hamm, jogging about. They really put John Hamm in sweater and sweatpants! Good for them. [both laugh]

C: And he has, like, a little angel wings pin.

G: Yeah! I wuv it. And Aziraphale goes, "Hey! It's me!" and Gabriel goes, “I know it's you, Aziraphale.” And Aziraphale starts talking about how, "Oh, like, you know, there's prophecies, and like, Kraken and Atlantis and all that-"

C: Great big bugger.

G: "It is coming. Armageddon is coming, and it will start today, right after teatime." And Gabriel is like, "Oh, what's the point? Okay. Whatever." And this whole time, they're running, by the way, and you know Gabriel is very like, isn't breathing heavy, is literally just jogging, and Aziraphale is out of breath a little bit. So he goes, "Can you just stop for a minute?" And then- I find this so wonderful like, the way they do this. Like, when they stop, Aziraphale is like, clutching his knees and like, breathing heavy, and Gabriel is like, standing stock-still looking like he's not even breathing, like, normal breathing, you know? And I thought it was really fun. And yeah. He says, like, "Well, it's good that the war is coming, because we want the war 'cause we can fight it and we can win it." I really like the way they do Gabriel like he is a very charming but stupid like, CEO.

C: Yeah, yeah. I mean, he's supposed to be the manager everyone hates.

G: Yeah. And he's like, "Oh, I'm so intelligent. And I know what's best for everything." And the way he goes like, "Of course there needs to be a war. Otherwise how could we win it?" is very much that vibe.

C: Pretty sure that line's in the trailer.

G: Of course it is.

C: But no, I like what you pointed out about like, Gabriel, not seeming to breathe at all, 'cause I feel like it's like, what the angels assume is gonna happen is like, what happens to reality around them most of the time. So I guess, like, Gabriel, who just isn't used to being in a body, just like, wouldn't feel the weight of it, wouldn't feel the need to breathe while he jogs, whereas Aziraphale, who's used to being a physical presence, would.

G: Yeah.

C: Gabriel also fatphobias Aziraphale in this scene.

G: Yeah! He tells him to wrap things up, "And also," and then he looks at him up and down and goes, "Lose the gut." And then he play-punches his abdomen and goes, "You're a lean, mean fighting machine." And then he runs and jogs off, and Aziraphale looks at him and goes, "I'm... I'm soft." And you know what he truly is? I love him so so so so much!

C: I don't think he would say that. I don't think he would say that, is that what I think.

G: "I'm soft?"

C: Yeah.

G: Why, because he's so hard it's unreal? [both laugh]

C: I mean, not currently. Crowley's not here. But no, but I- He's very despondent, and it's like-

G: He's not, you know, self-loathing or anything for him to say it this way, I think.

C: He's definitely feeling some kind of a despair feeling, though, right? Like, his face is so like, crumpled, and I'm sure part of that is just like, Heaven reiterating that they want the war to happen, but like, it kind of just comes across as him- 'Cause I feel like when I hear the word "soft," I mostly think about it in like, emotional strength terms. So it really came across as like, a "Oh, I love the world, and I don't want it to end, and that makes me a weakling"

sort of thing. I don't think he would say that. I also don't think that he would feel bad about his body in any way, but I don't know. Whatever

G: Yeah, anyway, right before the scene ends, Gabriel turns back around and goes, "Wait, weren't you issued a flaming sword? It says in our records. So did you lose it?" And Aziraphale's like, "Oh, whaa? How could I- what, just give it away?" Fun!

C: Fun. Also I love that what Aziraphale says, after like, saying that Armageddon is nigh and stuff is, "I just thought there was something we could do." That's such a- I don't know what I love about that sentence, but it's such a like- I don't know. I don't know. It's like, "I haven't given up on the world yet. Can we please just do something to help? We don't even have to like, stop the war, just do something." And then all his hopes are thrown out once more. Sorry, bro.

G: We go to the delivery guy. He's finally given a name. His name is Leslie. And, you know, it's just a sweet scene where he's talking to his wife, and his wife's like, "Come back to bed," and he's like, "No, I have to do two more deliveries," but at least they're local. And he says that "Oh, you know, the job was booked 6000 years ago, even though our company is only 80 years old." And, you know, he does this thing where he goes, "Ours is not to reason why. Ours is to deliver packages." Which is, you know, I thought that was interesting.

C: Just as part of the following orders theme of the show or?

G: Yeah. As part of the following orders theme of the show, the way that this guy who like, I mean, when we first see him in Ep 2, it's not like he's particularly significant, or like, not in the way that I thought of as particularly significant. Having him here be like, "Oh, no no no, he is like, a big part of the Apocalypse, and also he can only be that big of a part of it because he is actively buying into the 'this is the way things are, and I shall not question it.'" I think this is also the first time that I encountered - I may be misremembering. I don't remember if this has been brought up before - but like, the whole "The reason why Crowley fell is because he questioned," so, I don't know, like, this episode has a lot of themes of free will and all that crap, which I do love so much [C laughs] it's unreal. So yeah. I mean, the entire show, obviously, the entire season, because it is reliant on prophecies and all that crap. But now it's really where it's sinking into me that like, "Oh, it's like, fated," and all that crap, and like, especially with Newt and Anathema.

C: Ugh. God.

G: I know. I'm dreading talking about it. But I like that even in such a minuscule part of the Apocalypse, it is so ever-present. I think that line is wonderful in the way it is part of the story. Yeah. I mean, it's such a small line to be raving about, but I did like it a lot! I liked it a lot! Like, it ended with him killing himself. Like, that's crazy, but he fucking does it because it's part of the plan, and it's the orders, and it's like, "Oh my god." Real tone-setter, I feel.

C: Uh-huh. Also, his wife is giving such like, "wife fridged in the beginning of a movie" vibes, [G laughs] but then he gets killed instead, so that's equality. Like, her pajamas are this roughly pink, like, top that looks like the top half of like, a fucking ballgown [G laughs] instead of like, pajamas, and the camera angle on her being like, "Love you! ... Tiger" is so wife who's about to die and be in a montage. But she doesn't. Good for her.

G: It turns out he is the spouse that is about to die and turn into a montage father. RIP, Leslie.

C: Yeah. RIP.

G: But anyway, we go to Heaven, and Michael is approaching Gabriel, and she says that because of Aziraphale's comments last episode, they have taken to looking at Earth observation files. And then she brings out a bunch of photos of-

C: Like 3.

G: Aziraphale and Crowley through the fucking years.

C: Yup. 1601, in The Globe. How do they have a camera in The Globe? I sort of assumed the observation files were like, satellites or something, but, I mean, they're Heaven. They can do whatever, I suppose.

G: Yeah, they can do whatever. But yeah, it's St. James's, it's The Globe, and it's another St. James's one from Episode 1.

C: 2005.

G: [laughs] This scene made my stomach sink so hard. 'Cause, you know, we talked about last- 3.1, in Episode 3.1 [both laugh] about the whole like, hiding aspect, and how it's all about like, making sure that each other is safe from Heaven and Hell respectively, and that involves presenting you're not friends and all that crap, all that crap. And then turns out, Heaven just has access to all this since forever. Literally, they could have been fucking raw in the street [C laughs] and it like, wouldn't have made a difference.

C: Yeah. Yeah. 'Cause they just never checked until now. And it's just so miserable that they like, spent centuries speaking in code about like, where to meet and like, sending each other secret messages and looking over their shoulders, and that, like, none of it meant anything. Like, I feel like this is the number one thing that was restricting their happiness, for, like, a thousand years, and like, they didn't have to do any of it, or they didn't do enough of it, and either outcome is quite devastating.

G: Michael says, "I'll check up with it on back channels," and Gabriel goes, "What back channels, Michael?"

C: Is he just saying that, or does he know?

G: I think it's an open secret that Heaven and Hell are confiding with each other, which makes the whole Aziraphale-Crowley thing even worse!

C: Mm-hm! Mm-hm!

G: Like, they're already- they're already talking. Like, they're confiding with each other, blah blah blah blah, but Aziraphale and Crowley are still stuck in the mindset that, "Oh, we shan't even be allowed to blah blah blah blah." And it's like, I don't know, it's so horrible! It's so horrible! It's so horrible for me personally.

C: Yeah. Yeah. It's quite misery-inducing. Like, Aziraphale has been like, tying himself up in like, moral quandary knots, and Heaven's just like, "Well, we are practical and brutal, and we want this war, so we'll just do whatever we can to have it happen. And if that includes talking to demons, whatever."

G: Yeah. Michael does go and check on the back channels, and she calls up- is it Ligur? He calls Ligur, right?

C: Yeah. Though we don't learn that it's Ligur until the end of the call.

G: Until a bit later, yeah, yeah. And, you know, she says, like, "Oh. you should check on your demon Crowley, ‘cause if Aziraphale is not working for you, then your demon Crowley is betraying you, so, check on it!"

C: What even is the point of sending them after Crowley? Like, what does Heaven gain from that?

G: Well, I mean, I guess they have started to suspect that- I mean, they know for a fact that Aziraphale wants the Apocalypse to not happen. So like, it is to assume that Crowley also doesn't want the Apocalypse to happen, and since both parties want the Apocalypse to happen, it'd be nice to get rid of the opposition in that vein.

C: This is true, yeah. Michael ends by saying, like, "Oh, no, of course you can trust me! I'm an angel." in like, a very fun tone of voice. So that's fun. But yeah, I don't know. It's just- this collaboration is so impersonal and practical-

G: Yeah!

C: - versus Crowley and Aziraphale's friendship. I think it really made me realize how much they don't emotionally care about the war at all. Like, if Heaven was genuinely like, very angry at Hell, for like, "Oh, like, we were all here together, and then you betrayed us, you betrayed God, and we have to destroy you because we're like, very sad and betrayed that our brethren did this," like, I'd be like, "Okay, I get it." But like, she's not mad. Like, no one's mad. They're just like, "I wanna prove that I'm better. Alright."

G: Yeah. God. You know, like, in Caravaggio- He killed a guy. [C laughs] It's the [overlapping] straightest thing he's ever done. But when he did the killing, during this time in Rome, dueling is already illegal, but what's not illegal is if you are in a normal interaction with someone that turns into a brawl that turns into you hitting each other with swords or whatnot. That's not particularly illegal. So what he did was, him and the other party, they set up a tennis match in a tennis court, and the backstory would be that they're playing tennis, and then the game, somebody cheated or whatnot, and then they dueld each other to the death or whatever.

C: [laughs] Uh-huh.

G: But there's no actual tennis match. They just went there in the tennis court and pretended there was a tennis match so that they wouldn't be imprisoned for dueling, which is illegal. [C laughing] And this is what Heaven and Hell is doing. This is what they're doing. They're like, "Well, let's go down to the tennis court." You know what I mean?

C: [laughs] Yes.

G: This is exactly what the fuck they're doing. They were inspired directly by the life of Caravaggio. [C laughs]

C: Yup, they sure were. Good for them.

At the end of this, it's revealed that Ligur is the one at the other end of the phone, and he's all like, "Crowley's in trouble!"

G: "Ooh, Crowley." Yeah.

C: We cut to Crowley's office, right? And I call this scene "David Tennant sure was in Hamlet" [G laughs] in my mind.

G: [laughing] He literally was! And you know what? He was also in Much Ado About Nothing, which is so important to me it's unreal.

C: He sure fucking was. Last week, you were like- you did not give a single shit [G laughs], but this week-

G: I give so many shits it's unreal.

C: Grey and I have been having a bit of a David Tennant moment this week [G laughs], I would say. Yeah. Anyway.

Crowley's in her flat, in her office specifically. And her glasses are off, and it makes them look so vulny.

G: Aww. yeah!

C: And basically, he talks out loud to herself about like, where he can go. So he's got this globe-

G: And she goes, "England's out. America's out."

C: "Atlantis didn't exist yesterday, exists today, still out. Everywhere is going to burn." So then they get out The Great Big Book of Astronomy. It just has a bunch of very nice, high-res photos of moons and nebulas and all that.

G: Yeah. And the way the CGI is done here, I think, is quite wonderful with the pages floating up and about.

C: Yup. They all fall out of the book, and-

G: I think it feels very Crowley because, you know, you see Aziraphale figuring out Tadfield, etc, and it's like, he's pinning it up on the wall, you know, like, it's very like, physical, like, human. Like, he has a corkboard and red strings and all that. But like, Crowley literally is just like, "Let's magic it into the air, and I'll look around as it floats around me." And it's like, "Yeah, that does make complete sense."

C: A detail about them I like a lot in the books is that Crowley doesn't- Aziraphale buys all his clothes. Like, he goes to a tailor, and, like, those are his clothes. All of Crowley's clothes are miracled on him. Like, they're not physical things. But yeah, I feel like, that's very in keeping with like, Aziraphale being more into the physicality of Earth, and like, actually buying the land for his bookshop, and then like, building his bookshop, whereas I feel like if Crowley ever wanted to run a business, they'd just like, miracle up a building and call it a day.

He's looking at all these pictures floating around him, and is like, you know, "The moon, no. No atmosphere, no [overlapping] night life." And then "Alpha Centauri is always nice at this time of year." And then I think that it's a separate nebula that Crowley talks about, saying that he helped build. And okay, I think that- I love that he picked Alpha Centauri 'cause, like, okay, so it's a triple star system, and stars A and B are a binary star system within it.

G: Of course. [laughing] And we have all read-

C: - and star C is the closest star to the sun. [laughs] Yeah. It is the obvious fucking thing to do in like, anything, ever.

G: Do you know what I'm talking about? The binary star poem? You surely do, right?

C: Which one?

G: I have completely forgotten where it's from or what book it's from. I am positive I read it in a book. I remember, I was in seventh grade when I read it, and it's about how, orbiting each other, blah blah blah, etc etc, and they literally are.

C: Yeah. Crowley like, says to themself, "If you can run far enough, you don't have to hide," right? But like, he picked the star system with the star closest to the sun, which I think is so sweet. Like, they don't really wanna run away. They wanna stay as close to Earth, their home, as possible. And then the other two stars are like, bestie stars, [G laughs] which I think Crowley would care about deeply.

G: He wants them to be besties!

C: Yeah. This is where we learn what Crowley's job as an angel was, that like, he was a starmaker. What was Aziraphale's job before- like, I know he had the flaming sword to guard the Gate of Eden, but like, what was he doing before that?

G: Before Earth? [laughs] I don't know why you're asking me like I'm supposed to know.

C: Like, do you have a headcanon about it?

G: I don't know. Not really. I mean, what is there before the Earth?

C: I guess they had to build the universe, so like, what parts was Aziraphale in charge of?

G: I mean, isn't the beginning of Season 2, like, them both making stars and whatnot.

C: Kind of. Aziraphale's called upon for assistance. I don't think that it's implied that it's like, his main job. He was just sort of in the area.

G: Ah, okay.

C: Oh, god, [laughing] don't remind me of the Season 2 opening! I'm- ugh. [G laughs] Okay. Whatever.

G: Yeah, I thought you didn't like it.

C: I don't! I don't think that- I think that they didn't need to retcon how they met, but if they are, then, I really- I think Crowley's really cute there, and I don't wanna think about it. So-

G: God. Do you know how I learned about it? [laughing]

C: How?

G: I saw like, an edit of it with the song [laughing] "Enchanted" by Taylor Swift.

C: I don't know that song.

G: Well, the song is like, "I'm enchanted to meet you," etc etc, and it's about like, love at first sight. And then Crowley goes, "Wow! You're beautiful!" And then like, Aziraphale turns and looks at him, but like, he's talking to the star or whatnot. So corny.

C: Be fucking for real. That was the corniest fucking shit ever. [G laughs] As soon as Neil Gaiman was like, "I'm going to write a romance instead of like, baiting the gays so much it's unreal," he turned into like, Newt and Anathema-level writing for them [G laughing] is what I think. Anyway. [laughs] This is not Season 2, we're on Season 1, Episode 4.

And I think the the main thing I think about in regards to Crowley's job is a post that goes, "

i have nothing against the 'crowley was raphael' hc but also please consider crowley as just a low-level worker in the star creation department largely known for having good hair and annoying his bosses by constantly creating binary systems because 'i dunno, i just thought they seemed lonely.'" I love him so much?! She is my favorite little guy? Ever? And yeah. Yeah.

G: Where's the Raphael bullshit bullshit even come from? Just because there's no Raphael, like, in the story.

C: Yeah, just because there's no Raphael-

G: Boo!

C: - and they want Crowley to have been important or whatever. I don't give a shit. I want him to be a total loser.

G: [overlapping] No, they're both supposed to be both losers! They're both supposed to be both losers as hell!

C: Exactly! Thank you! Thank you for understanding this! [G laughing] Not everyone understands this. Not even Danica understands this. They're both supposed to be losers! I know that, like, him being like, the literal like, serpent that tempted Eve or whatever, like, maybe some people could take from that that like, "Oh, maybe he was important to have been given this job," but like, she literally was just told to get up there and make some trouble. Like, I feel like the fact that Eve was tempted was like, not even part of any plan or anything. I feel like that was just Crowley being like, "Isn't it weird that God put up a big tree with a Don't Touch sign on it?" So yeah, yeah. Crowley is a fucking loser. Aziraphale is a fucking loser. Their bosses hate them to Hell and back. [G laughing] And that is how it should be.

G: God.

C: But anyway, I think what I love about Crowley's job being a starmaker is that it's like, a job that's completely unrelated to Earth. Because I'm sure a lot of angels were on duty, like, designing the platypus, or like, deciding things about the ocean or something, especially because God is very focused on Earth and has centered Her whole thing on Earth.

G: Well, I mean, given the timeline, you know, Crowley Fell before the Earth, right? Like, the Earth was created 6000 years ago, but the universe was not.

C: That's true, but I'm assuming that they were like, designing Earth for a while, like, designing humans and all that shit.

G: Nah.

C: No? [G laughs] No?

G: Well, I mean, I don't know. I don't know!

C: You mean at the last minute they were like-

G: "Well, we've gotta put somebody there."

C: "Well, we've all these stars. We haven't made any aliens. Like, you know what? At this point, may as well toss something else in."?

G: Yeah, exactly.

C: Okay, but if the Earth was like, an afterthought, how could the angels be so convinced that it is like, the scene of the Great Plan and the last war and the whatever whatever?

G: I don't know.

C: I will say that the opening of Season 2 implies that Earth has been in the makings for a while. I, well, basically, I guess my point is that if Crowley hadn't fallen, I don't know if she would have ever touched Earth in any way because her job was so removed. So I love that like, it was like, his choice to question things that eventually led him to Earth the way that it was Aziraphale’s choice to give the sword away that like, caused him to be demoted and to be forced to stay on Earth.

G: Did we ever like, explicitly talk about the fact that he's literally fucking Prometheus? I don't think we ever mentioned that explicitly. He literally gave them fire.

C: Yeah, that in addition to his sword, it was also fire? Yeah.

G: Crazy, crazy angel.

C: Yeah. And he was not lashed to a rock for his liver to be eaten. [G laughs] God just simply didn't ask again!

Crowley, he hangs off the edge of his throne and sort of looks up at the sky, and it's a crane shot, sort of far away, and he goes- Wait, sorry, let me find the right place in the script.

G: "I only ever asked questions."

C: Yeah. "I only ever asked questions. That's all it took to be a demon in the old days." And he goes, "Great Plan? God, you listening? Show me a Great Plan. [G makes pained sound] Okay, I know you're testing them. You said you were going to be testing them. You shouldn't test them to destruction. Not the end of the world."

G: So this is kind of derived from the bookshop drunk scene, right? This is something he tells Aziraphale.

C: Yeah, in the book, Aziraphale is the one that Crowley tells about this, where he calls it "being tested to destruction." He says it like, twice.

G: Haven't read the book, by the way. Just love listening to that fucking David Tennant reading.

C: Yeah, that ten-minute section really is an important part of my life.

G: You guys will not believe how much me and Crystal's conversations [C laughing] in the day-to-day are literally just like, lines from that scene? [both laughing] We just message it back and forth to each other.

C: Yeah, every day, I just like, send Grey like, "'What little bird?' asked Aziraphale suspiciously." [laughing] The thing is, Aziraphale literally asks suspiciously, "What little bird?"

G: "That's birds!" by Crowley is my favorite. And of course, the ever more important, "'Don't you try to tempt me,' said Aziraphale [both] wretchedly. 'I know you, you old serpent.'" [both laugh]

C: [laughing] We're fucking crazy. Anyway.

G: People are underestimating how Crover it all is in the Grey-Crystal DMs.

C: Yeah, I feel like earlier, I was thinking about how our Episode 3 has to be so terrible to listen to unless you're just as invested in this show as we are, [G laughs] which, like, I feel like, like, I'm more invested in this show than I ever was because I've been like, rewatching and taking notes, so I don't think that many people in our audience are going to like, enjoy us giggling and falling over ourselves [G laughs] every single second, but unfortunately, that is where we are mentally, forever and ever.

G: Yes. God! I did say earlier that watching this week-per-week has enhanced the experience, and by enhanced, I do mean made it, you know, occupy my day-to-day life in ways that no other TV show has managed to do since like, Succession. So yeah.

C: Yeah. It caused you to vary your days. Just like in "Being Alive" from Company.

Specifically in the bookshop scene, what he's responding to is Aziraphale saying like, "Hey, like, you're part of this whole like, system of hurting humans or whatever 'cause you tempt them. You're good at it." [laughs] is what is Aziraphale says. Crazy line. But Crowley says, like, "That's different. They don't have to say yes. That's the ineffable bit, right? Your side made it up. You've got to keep testing people, but not to destruction." And that's so nice, right? It makes it very clearly about free will-

G: Agh, yeah.

C: - in the book in a way that is not as clear here. God, this scene is so good 'cause, like, Crowley's like, at the bargaining stage of grief, I think. 'Cause like, I don't think she like, loves that God tests people in the first place. Like, I- I need to find some fucking fic about Crowley and Abraham and Isaac.

G: Oof! Ooh!

C: I feel like that would really do something for me. And by do something I mean like, leave me incapacitated for multiple weeks. She's literally not personally up for killing kids! It's like, okay, like, bargaining stage. "Fine. You're gonna test humans. Okay. But please don't destroy them." The fact that he's like, talking directly to God after like, breakup scene last week was just like, him yelling at the sky about how "Fuck the Great Plan," whatever whatever. And now they're like, basically begging God for mercy for the world is definitely a thing that makes me feel things. Also, just him thinking of it as a test in the first place is very- like, that's not really been established at all. Like, I feel like that's giving God more charity than like, God is owed right now, 'cause like, at least the way that the angels and Hell are looking at this, they're just like, "Earth is just the space for the battlefield for the last great battle, or whatever." Whether or not humans are good or bad during that doesn't matter; they'll just get wiped out. But Crowley seems to think that this is like, a test of the humans' goodness. Like, what is being tested?

G: Yeah, they're not being tested. They're not given a choice

C: Right, like, what is this test that Crowley thinks is happening? Who's being tested?

G: I don't know who Crowley thinks is being tested. Surely the humans. It well may be Aziraphale.

C: That is something that I was thinking about. But I think- I mean, I guess Adam is sort of being tested. It's like, "Can you hold out strength and hope against these voices whispering in your ear about your power?"

G: I suppose so. But I don't think Adam specifically qualifies as human in Good Omens sense, given, you know, his own nature and such.

C: Yeah. He's half human.

G: How does that- How does that work? Did Satan fuck someone?

C: Exactly. I don't know. Well, you see, he possessed the President of the United States [G laughing], right? And then he had this aide called Kelly Kline, who the president has been in a secret- [laughs] God, Supernatural's crazy!

G: [laughing] And then Crowley- Why did I just call Cas "Crowley"? And then Cas-

C: [laughing] And then Cas chases her around for a year begging her to get an abortion.

G: - to get a fucking abortion. My god.

C: But yeah, I feel like, is this just Crowley being like, "The only way that I can like, deal with thinking about this is thinking that it's a test, and maybe at some point, God will be like, 'JK, I'm gonna stop.'" Is this Crowley's idea of like, faith? It may well be so.

G: Well, we go back to Lesley, the delivery man, and he stops in in kind of like, a woods area, and, you know, crosses the street. There's this bit where he almost gets hit by a lorry, and I actually really like that. Like, when that happened, I was like, "Oh, he's gonna die. He's gonna get hit by a lorry and die." And so when they do it, it's super like, "Yeah. [laughs] I mean, yeah." It's how, you know, "our job is not to question," as he puts it. Anyway, walks on this stretch of riverside, and there sits Pollution. I'm assuming Pollution is nonbinary. Is that true? Am I correct?

C: Yeah, Pollution does use they/them pronouns in the show.

G: Hell yeah.

C: Pollution is a young man in the book. When asked about this, Neil Gaiman said, "It just seems like it would balance things out more." [G laughs] Which I mean, I guess.

G: [laughing] Diversity win!

C: Why can't you give Crowley all the pronouns she fucking deserves to balance that out more? Huh, Neil? Huh, Neil Gaiman? Like, "The only group of people that I really want to like, impose my diversity quota on is the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse"? [G laughs] Okay, girl. Sure. [laughs] Let's start the DEI initiatives there. I sort of appreciate the thought, but come on.

G: I mean, I like that, you know, Pollution has like, that, bob, and all that, and yet Lesley calls them "sir" the entire time. I quite liked that. I quite liked it, I'll just say.

C: Does this have anything to do about your hair and your gender? [G laughs]

G: Well, I mean, my hair is way shorter than that.

C: That is true.

G: But, you know, I respect it. Anyway, Pollution is played by a Filipino actor.

C: Yeah. Lourdes Faberes? I said the last name wrong, didn't I?

G: I'll look it up now.

C: I tried to find an interview with her so that I could like, get the pronunciation right, and then I listen to it, and I was like, "I don't think I can do that with my mouth, actually."

G: Okay, I can probably do it. Let's see.

C: Slay. Go for it.

G: Lourdes Faberes.

C: Yes. I can't do the R right. My stupid American tongue has been shaped.

G: You can't do the rhotic R? Is it what it's called? Is it rhotic? -bere?

C: Maybe? Who knows.

G: Had Redis?

G: I think this well may be the one you're talking about, [laughing] and I get exactly what you fucking mean about Pollution being an Asian.

C: Yeah.

G: Well, okay. Should we talk about it? I don't know, maybe we shouldn't. I do have thoughts about-

C: Go for it.

G: I mean, this is completely unrelated. But I will go on a tangent about how the Philippines is one of the major polluters of the world in terms of plastic waste, and there are many reasons for this, as there are for anything that has ever happened in the world. And a big one is that we're a very poor country, and the way our economy works is a normal Filipino person cannot buy anything in bulk or even in a normal packaging. Everything is in a thing we call tingi-tingi, which means small portions. And you know how I discovered that this is a Filipino thing? I was writing Destiel fanfiction [C laughs], and I was trying to figure out what kind of shampoo they would use, and I was looking up like, "Oh, which American brands of shampoo offer things in sachets?" And it just wasn't a thing. Like, it's not a thing in the United States. You don't have sachets. But here, for example, if you want to buy shampoo, and you're poor, you buy a small plastic of it, and that's a one-time use. You rip it open, you wash your hair, and then you throw out the sachet. And it's not just for shampoo. It's pretty much for every fucking thing. It's for food, everything. Everything's in sachets. Bulk here's quite a distant concept, buying anything in bulk, it's not something most families are able to afford. So there's the one. Our plastic waste is very high because that's what our economy looks like. Number two, in the Philippines you cannot legally send trash, right? So if you're from like, Canada or South Korea or the United States, which are countries who have sent us trash, you cannot legally do it. But there is a loophole in that you're allowed to send us recyclable trash. So if you label your trash recyclable, you can send it over here, and we'll have to dispose it for you. So why is the Philippines such a big contributor to plastic waste? One, because our economy relies very much so on small portions being plastic so that people can afford them. And two, lot of those plastics, not ours. They're offloaded to us by other richer countries. So, [laughs] I don't know why I'm bringing this up.

C: It's relevant, I think.

G: It's not particularly super relevant. But yeah.

C: Yeah. Man. Well, that sucks.

G: Yeah. It does. Hell yeah!

C: I think the thing about pollution and Asia that I feel like I think about the most is just how like, there was like, a poster outside of a classroom that I was in that was like, "major polluters of the world," and like-

G: Yeah. Philippines, baby! We're there! [laughs] Well, plastic pollution for sure. Other kinds of pollution, I'm not so sure.

C: Yeah, 'cause I think, in terms of CO2 emissions, which are the things that most people think about, I think, like, base level, like, China, is the highest just because of like, the amount of people there. Also, I think there might be more use of coal. I'm not sure if that's still true. But like, per capita, a lot of the per capita highest ones are like, smaller countries, and then, like, the US, and then, like, the US's per capita, is like, twice China's or whatever. I remember looking at that per capita poster and the way that they had the US and China bars the same length even though the numbers labelled on each of them, was like very different, and just like, the ways that like, data, visualization is often used to make the US look better in comparison to China or whatever the fuck. Yeah. Anyway, I feel like, there is like, a perception of a lot of Asian countries of like, dirty and polluting, and like, coal-using and blah blah blah. Most of the time, if, like, you're using a lot of coal, it's because, like, you're still not generating a lot of energy overall because you're not like, consuming as the US. Whatever, whatever. But yeah, I think that there were negative associations that I had in regards to this, but, like, the scenario itself, is just like, regular pollution of a river in the UK, which is like, pretty removed from whatever. Also, boring as shit. Boring as shit, I have to say. Famine was the only one they did anything fun with.

G: Yeah, that's true.

C: I think the fact that this is also the episode with the Tibetans makes it a little [G laughs] more.

G: No, 'cause, I mean, every time I see an East or Southeast Asian person in British media, I do think about-

C: [laughing] Hey, remember when you did the Opium Wars? But also, yeah.

G: [laughing] No, no. I mean, yes, but like, I am reminded of a conversation I had with my British friend, Arya. She's been coming up a lot in this podcast.

C: Well, she's the only Brit you know.

G: [laughs] She's the only Brit I know. But one time, I told her about this joke that Ronnie Chieng- is that how you pronounce his name? comedian. - did that's like, [mocking voice] "South Asian people are not really Asian, because, like, when South Asian people do things, it's not like, I, an East Asian man, feel anything of any kinship or whatever."

C: Okay?

G: And I told her, "God, this guy's so fucking annoying," and that friend, Arya, said to me, "You know, what's so fascinating is here in the UK, when you say, 'Oh, I have an Asian friend,' or like, 'There's an Asian store,' or whatever, you very rarely think East Asian. 'Cause most of the Asian people there are South Asian."

C: Huh. Yeah, due to the colonialism and whatnot.

G: Yeah. And it's like, not only is the concept of Asia that is like, perpetuated by America West-centric, it is specifically so vehemently US-centric. I don't know. It's something I also thought about.

C: You know what I'm really, really grateful for?

G: What?

C: That there's no Pestilence. [G screams] And that there was no Pestilence played by an Asian in May 2019. [both laughing]

G: In fucking 2019.

C: In fucking May 2019. I every day will thank god we avoided that.

G: It's true!

C: Jesus Christ. I do think the idea of them going, in 1990 even, "Oh, like, we're not gonna do pestilence anymore because we have penicillin now, so let's switch to Pollution" is so like, assuming that everyone has access to medicine.

G: It is so, like, Western-centric! It is! I don't know. Crazy. Wild. Wild shit.

C: Crazy, wild. Also, I don't know, Pollution is styled pretty fun, right?

G: There's nothing. Just blond hair.

C: Like, they've got like, this straggly blond hair in a bob. Well, their eyes are like, light grey.

G: That's true.

C: Like, that's new. That's contacts. I'm trying to figure out- how do lighter contacts work on someone with dark eyes? I guess it just works like everything else would work. But wouldn't it make it so hard to see?

G: I mean, that's a David Tennant situation.

C: Yeah, David Tennant's [G laughing] having the worst time of his life on this set. Poor man.

G: It's true.

C: But yeah, I'd say Pollution doesn't get a lot of lines and has a bit of a whispery voice, and I think because of the light eyes, they feel like, sort of the least human out of all them? 'Cause the other ones have jobs.

G: I think that may be because Pollution is younger and newer.

C: Yeah, I think that is also what I assumed.

G: 'Cause like, Pollution seems to also be the youngest of them, right? And I think that's like, intentional.

C: Pollution's meant to be in the book, like, a young man in his 20s, and then here, Pollution is also younger. So yeah, they haven't gotten used to talking and all that shit yet.

G: Yeah. And I don't like the crown, I suppose.

C: Oh, yeah. Did say that something got delivered yet?

G: Oh, yeah. A crown, blah blah. They look at it and they sign, and the sign is like, an oil spill. Crown turns black. Etc, etc. It's quite boring, honestly. Like, the War one is like, a sword like, obviously. And then the Famine are scales, right? Like, weighing scales. That makes sense to me. The crown? Why? Why?

C: Yeah, what does that have to do with anything?

G: And we'll talk about the Death one later.

C: Something else a little disappointing to me is that Adam ends the world because of like, the environment. Why doesn't Pollution get more time if, like, this is the horseman that drives Adam to despair the most?

G: Yeah, that's true. Odd.

Well, we go back to the delivery van, and Lesley is going, "Oh, one more delivery." There's no delivery. It's just a note. The note- I tried to pause it and like, read it and stuff. All I really read was the "everywhere," which I assume is Death being everywhere.

C: Yeah, "Location: Everywhere." I think the rest of the note is just like, the exact words that he says to Death.

G: Lesley writes a final love note for his wife, and then he gets out, starts walking, lorry hits him, but, you know, he's still standing, and he's like, "Oh, I'm alive!" And then he looks down, and he is, in fact, so dead it's unreal.

C: Yeah. That was pretty cool. I enjoyed that.

G: It was cool! I liked it. And then, you know, Death's there, and guess what, baby? It's fucking Logan Roy. [laughs]

C: Brian Cox.

G: It's Mr. Logan Roy. So fun. King of dying, for fucking real

C: [laughs] You can't tell that it's Logan Roy, though. Death is a skeleton in a grim reaper hood.

G: Yeah. Lesley goes like, "Hey, I came here to deliver you a message, and it is 'Come and see.'" And Death does this like, almost comedic, like, exposition, that's like, "Finally, it's a call to action. [C laughs] War and Famine, Pollution and Death. Today, we ride."

C: Yeah, I guess. It's like, we already knew that, bro.

G: So fucking corny. I think maybe we could have just gotten the "Come and see" and then, like, a menacing sound or whatnot.

C: Yeah. Death ends it with, "Don't think of it as dying. Think of it as leaving early to avoid the rush," which I quite like as a line. So true.

G: Yeah, I guess so. It's gonna be traffic in a bit, buddy!

C: Sure is. And the screen sort of fades into like, stars, and then it says "Death" with a pattern of them. I guess that's significant because every time the other Horsemen arrive, first, God narrates a bit and introduces them. There's no narration for Death.

G: Ooh, yeah.

C: And then there's an image of the horseman's name, and like, a horse that represents them. But there's no horse for Death. It's just a sky full of stars.

G: Maybe he will reap God. Just like in Superfuckingnatural.

C: Maybe. Just like in Superfuckingnatural.

C: We're at Jasmine Cottage, and the Them show up, and they're like, "Okay, can we get some more New Aquarians? 'Cause we have to know everything." Which I'm assuming, yeah, is a response to like, Atlantis suddenly being real and all of them being like, "Oh, shit! These magazines are real." You know, Anathema offers them some chocolate. Brian and Pepper are like, "We don't take candy from witches!" and Wensley's like, "Well, I do." and takes the chocolate, and then everyone sort of like, chills out a bit and comes in.

I just wanna say, Anathema looks so beautiful in this scene. And for what? Just to prep herself for having sex with the most boring man alive? Jesus. It's unfair, the world that we live in. [G laughs] Anathema, call me.

G: The way that, like, this episode has cemented Newt as my mortal enemy [C laughs] is so crazy. And like, the thing is like, if I watched this episode even like, days before I actually did, this wouldn't be the case. [laughs]

C: But he just reminds you of-

G: He just reminds me of someone so bad, and I am, in fact, triangulating hatred. [C laughs] So, sorry, Newt, but also, not so sorry. He's so annoying.

C: Yeah, honestly, I feel like- You watched it and you had your notes-watching session first, and you were like, "I hate Newt, I hate Newt, I hate Newt." and I was like, "Yeah, I probably hate him too." And I watched it, and I was like, "I don't really have that many feelings about him, but I just wish that this thing with him and Anathema never ever happened. Please, please, please. And also, I will hate him a bit for Grey's sake."

G: Thank you so much.

C: No problem. And I think it's cute that she offers them candy. Like, she offered Adam lemonade when she met him. It's very like, "I don't really know how to be good with kids, but I can do this" of her. So yeah. God. She is an aromantic lesbian. Don't do this to her! Don't do it to her!

Newt shows up at Shadwell's. I think at this point, I realized that his car only has three wheels in it. Like, there's a front wheel and two back wheels.

G: I only realized it in my third watch of this episode. [both laughing] In my third fucking watch.

C: And honestly, that's pretty fun, I have to say. Like, you do get points for having a car with three wheels, Newt.

G: [laughs] We'll talk about it later, my gripes on Dick Turpin [C laughing], but okay. [laughs] I'm such a hater! I need you all guys to know that I will be a hater, no matter what.

C: [laughs] Good. So he shows up to Shadwell's to get his fucking armor of righteousness or whatever. And Shadwell's saying all this shit about how "This country is under our protection, I'm so proud of you for going out there." He gives Newt some green jacket thing that's supposed to be like, an army jacket thing. I don't know what British army uniforms look like. Shadwell loads him up with a bunch of supplies, like, a pendulum of discovery and a thumbscrew and firelighters, and Newt's like, "I don't know, actually, if I wanna use these," but Shadwell pushes him. And then he gives him bell, book, and candle in order to exorcise a demon. I mean, Shadwell's so witch-focused. Like, are demons, like, a subset of witches to him? And then he gets given a pin, and that is his supplies, and it ends with Shadwell like, saluting Newt and Newt like, has to salute back, but he's carrying like, ten things in his arms, so he has to readjust it before saluting back, which I thought was pretty funny. Like, good job with the physical comedy.

G: Yeah, I hate them, though, so I'm not laughing. [both laughing]

C: [Mick Jagger voice] Not funnay.

G: [Mick Jagger voice] Not funnay!

C: So in the script, when Newt drives off, he like, opens the window, and then he like- First, he throws the thumbscrew and the firelighters out of the window, and then he backs up and gets out to take the firelighters and put them in a trashcan properly, and I wish they hadn't cut that -

G: Okay, that's sweet.

C: - because I feel like it would have made him a lot less annoying to me. Like, the fact that, like, he goes there, and he like, resolves like, "Okay, first off, I definitely am not hurting anyone. And secondly, oh, let's not litter." If you wanted me to be okay with this happening, why cut that? No, we just have Newt driving off, and then there's like, a tunnel with two Tibetan people in it. And they're like, wearing, I feel like, traditional clothing, and they're both talking, and they're like, "Oh, we're normal people with normal jobs. But then I like, woke up today, and I was just like, stuck in this tunnel in this fucking outfit, and now we have to dig the whole time? Man, this sucks." G: I don't know. I do find it interesting that most of the things that are conjured by Adam's imagination-

C: - are new people and not real.

G: Yeah. Like, the Atlantis people are new people. The Kraken is like, a being.

C: The aliens could have been drawn from outer space like real people who got like, moved over, but it's not clear.

G: Yeah. And yeah, it's like, I don't know. This one-

C: [laughs] I don't know about this one, folks. [both laugh] Not sure about this one. Not sure about keeping it in 2019. Weird choice. Maybe- is the point of it just like, "There's definitely something wrong with these conspiracy theories, and they're like, harmful in a way that, like, Atlantis isn't," or whatever? Because I don't know if that's really impressed upon me properly here.

G: I mean, I think maybe something was trying to be done when, you know, there is acknowledgement of "Oh, but these are real people!" blah blah blah. But like, it comes off so flat and like, so [C laughs]- I don't know. They don't do anything with it, first and foremost, so like, that's mostly why. But it's also just odd. Like, I thought about it, 'cause with Adam and the Thems, right? When he was controlling them, it was very much a like, "He's there, and his presence is causing them to do this."

C: And it's like, treated as horror. This isn't treated as horror.

G: Yeah. Yeah, this is like, "Oh, and now we're here. Oh! Teatime's over. I guess we have to dig!" And it's like, okay. Okay.

C: Yeah. I don't know. Let them be like, scared that they're like, trapped underground now. [laughs] Do something.

G: Yeah, but I guess they were put in a part of the episode that's still supposed to be a little bit funny. So, ugh.

C: Yeah. And I think that it's just- I think that Neil Gaiman just like, couldn't think of a better way for Newt to crash his car? [G laughing] I feel like he's removed a lot of the like, more like, racially questionable things in the book, right? But he's like, "No, but Newt has to crash his car, and the only way anyone could ever crash their car is if a fucking like, Tibetan pokes their head out of a tunnel that they're digging." Like, bro. He cut out the part where Adam makes it rain fish in the show, probably just because, like, the CGI budget can't handle it, but like, Newt could just crash his car because it was raining fish. Like, anything could happen.

Yeah. I think we've talked about the way that Neil Gaiman sort of goes like, "What's a foreign place we can throw in?" [G laughs] And this feels so "What's a foreign place we can throw in?" Like, I feel like Tibetan is just used as a random throwaway ethnicity for the sake of like, LOL randomness, like, in a lot of places. Like, there's a song called "Tibetan Pop Stars" by Hop Along that I really like, but like, the verse is like, "You're a stranger in India / I'm gonna be creeping on you so hard / You're seducing Tibetan pop stars / and wrecking motor cars," and it's so clear that it's just like, "I wanna show that me and my lover are far apart, so like, what's an exotic foreign destination? Like, Asia? India? Tibet? Yeah, that's weird enough. Let's go for it." And it just feels exactly like that here as well. It's fucking annoying. Sorry to all the people of Tibet forever and ever.

Meanwhile, Newt, he continues on his drive, and then he gets pulled over by aliens in a big ol' silver UFO, and they do a whole joke bit where- Well, first, they're like, "Okay, like, we've been sent to like, give you a message of cosmic peace and harmony, but I have no idea why. Also, we're like, looking at this planet right now, and you've been letting the acid rain build up a little too much, and your polar ice caps are melting, like, you guys are doing a pretty bad job with all this shit." Also, they cut a line on the script that was one of the aliens going, "The CO2 level's up 0.5%. You do know you could find yourself charged with being a dominant species while under the influence of impulse-driven consumerism, don't you?" Which I would have found more funny than the rest of it, but they cut it. I guess I feel like maybe these are real aliens, 'cause I don't know if Adam would- Do you think that The New Aquarian would have stuff about how the aliens have, like, a council where they decide which species are like. responsible for crimes against their planet by what they do to the environment? Actually, probably, yes. Probably, yes. Also, I think the presence of aliens really complicates everything a lot given how focused Heaven and Hell are on the Earth right now, so. Also, I need there to be like, no aliens and no more people in the universe so that, like, the AU in my head where they go to Alpha Centauri and are like, so miserable and suicidal-

G: [laughing] So, so, so miserable?

C: - in like, a century is like, real to me, 'cause I feel like if there were aliens, I think they'd be able to make it through. And Newt calls Shadwell, like, "Holy fuck. There were fucking aliens here." And Shadwell's just like, "Well, did you count their nipples? Are they witches? If not, then IDGAF."

G: So, you know, kids are walking, and they're talking about how they want to save the whales and all that. And I quite like the joke they make with Pepper, where she's like, "Oh, if they're so intelligent and whatnot, what the hell are they even doing?"

C: "Just swimming and eating things and singing, and- Oh my god, I wanna be a whale!" She's cute.

G: Yeah, she's so so cute for that. But anyway, Adam is like, "Okay, fine. We'll save the whales. All of them." And then our next scene is in a Japanese whaling ship, and, you know, God does this joke where it's like, "Oh, it's not a whaling ship. It's a scientific research ship. And it's currently researching the question, 'How many whales can it catch in a week?'" I think that's fun. They're being tossed around the ocean and blah blah blah. And then suddenly, the Kraken is here. Great, biiig bugger. [C laughs]

C: It's specifically targeting Japanese whaling ships, and I just wanna say that in 2019, Norway killed more whales than Japan did, so, something to think about. But yeah, no. [both laugh] Anyway. Yeah, not that you should take the heat off of Japan in regards to for-profit whaling, but yeah. Something to think about. Spread out- spread out your anger a little bit. Allocate it properly.

G: I think it's just they wanted to do the sushi joke.

C: Yeah. [laughs] Which you didn't even say because it wasn't funny enough.

G: It's not- [Mick Jagger voice] Not funnay! So.

C: And Anathema gets a little alarm on her phone that's like, "Prophecy Alert! Witchfinder to arrive at 12:05." Which I thought was fun. Like, it makes sense that, like, if her family has had it so long, and they have like, smartphones now that they would put all the prophecy shit in their GCals and all that. And she starts setting up first aid stuff and a bottle of aspirin and waiting.

C: So we're in Hell, and Ligur goes over to Hastur, who's like, holding like, a cup up to collect like, a leak from the ceiling. And Hastur's like, "Oh my god, I hate this so much. I have to like, go to Megiddo, like, right now. But I have to wait for the maintenance team to show up." Ligur is like, "Hey, so like, something's wrong with Crowley. He's up to nothing good," and Hasturs like, "Oh, well, he's not supposed to do good things, so yay!" and Ligur's like, "No, he's up to nothing bad" and Hastur's like, "So he's not in trouble?" And Ligur's like, "No, he is super duper in trouble, and we have to go in and get proof that he's done something wrong and then collect him." And then Hastur's like, "Great. Awesome. Let's toast to that, "and he holds his cup up, and then, like, the sludge falls, and he's like, "Come on!" I think the Hastur actor is a pretty good comedic actor with the material that he's been given.

G: Oh, definitely.

C: Yeah like, he did a good job. Thanks, man.

G: Well, anyway, Newton eventually arrives in Tadfield. We finally read the - what's it called? - the prophecy. And it goes, [both] "When Robin's blue chariot inverted be, three wheels in the sky, a man with bruises be upon your bed, aching his head for willow fine."

C: Did I get that right? 'Cause I didn't read it. I just memorized it. Is that correct? Did I get it right? Did I do a good job?

G: That's very nice!

C: Thank you.

G: You did a very good job! No, I thought you were reading aloud. I was like, "Why are you reading? I'm already saying it." [C laughs] But alas, you were not. Good job.

C: Nah. Hell yeah. I did it.

G: What is Robin's blue chariot? What the hell does that mean? What is robin's?

C: I think just that the color of his car is robin blue.

G: Ah, robin, the bird? Boo.

C: I mean, [both laugh] they had to replace "When Orient's chariot inverted be" with something. [laughing]

G: Yeah. I guess so. And, you know-

C: You know what I love? I think in the book, the reason that it's three wheels in the sky is because one of the wheels is stuck in the mud, but like, here, it's like, "It's a three-wheeled car."

G: Yeah. While he's driving, the Them are like, off to the side, just walking around, a couple, meters from his car. Do you say that? [laughs] A couple feet.

C: Well, you could say meters. It's British.

G: That's true. But don't they use miles in England?

C: They do use miles per hour, but I think they might still use me- I don't know, man. Ask Arya. [G laughs]

G: Newt was about to collide with the Tibetans, and then he swerves, and then his car is, in fact, three wheels in the sky. And, you know, he's getting out of the car as the Them run to him, and they try to take care of him 'cause he's hurt, and they're like, "We should do something!" And- should I even bring this up? I feel like it's such a mean-spirited thing to say.

C: [laughs] No, you should do it.

G: Well, okay. So one of the Them goes, "Oh, we should get him away from the car, 'cause it might blow up. It does that on telly." And then Newt, like, dazed and nose bleeding and all that, goes, "Dick Turpin won't blow up." And then, after a pause, goes, "You're probably wondering why it's called Dick Turpin. Well..." and then, you know, he falls over because he is concussed. [laughing] I hate him so much! [laughs] Like, here's the thing. I feel like there are a lot of people, or like, certain types of people who think that like, what makes them interesting as people are like, this? are things like this? It's like- how did I put it to you, Crystal? It's like, when you're talking to someone, and it's obvious that the things that they're telling you about things that they're interested in are not being told to you because they're interested in the thing, but because they want you to be interested in them, and that is so like, Newt being like, "Oh, you're probably wondering why it's called Dick Turpin." Like, he isn't saying, "Here is an interesting thing about this car," he's saying, "Here's an interesting thing about me so you'd like me," and it is a trait that I vehemently hate in the people that I meet when they exhibit it. And it's a trait I vehemently hate in Newt! And here's the thing I said to Crystal, like, he drives a three-wheeled car. That in itself is so fucking interesting. Like, "You may be wondering why the car is three-wheeled." But no, he has to be like, "No no no, let's make it about me. I named the car Dick Turpin. [C laughing] Maybe you're wondering why I am so charming and that I named my car Dick Turpin." [laughing] It is so unbearable! I'm so sorry! I'm such a hater!

C: [laughing] He's concussed.

G: But my god, this guy's annoying! [laughs] Anyway.

C: Yeah, yeah. And you also made like, a good point, I think, that like - in our DMs - that like, Newt has to have this kind of personality because only a guy like this would entertain Shadwell at all.

G: Yeah. And it's so- like, I told Crystal like, "God. He should have just been like, a car guy or something. I can't believe we can solve this character by making him Dean Winchester-coded." [C laughs] But like, literally, for fucking real. Give him real interests. Give him real things that he actually does like, for real and not like, "Oh, but like, I want to be interesting to people, and therefore I will tell them that this and blah blah blah." It's like, shut the fuck up! [both laughing] I need to calm down. I need to fucking calm down. Well.

C: Yeah, I mean, he is annoying.

G: I mean, I just hate him. I hate him.

C: We're in the Fields of Megiddo, and Hastur is there, and he's talking to three Eric, the disposable demons who are trying to give him a briefing.

G: I want to say that this look, I like it a lot. Amazing look.

C: Eric looks great. Eric's slaying. The first thing that you notice is that the Erics have very long lower eyelashes.

G: Yeah! Gorgeous!

C: They look gorgeous. They really do. And their hair is styled and shaped into like, two horns on top of their heads.

G: Yeah, yeah, like an antenna in a car. Well, not really, but you get the drift.

C: Yeah, they look amazing.

G: It's so cool. It's such a cool look. I think, you know, 'cause we only see Crowley interact with Ligur and Hastur. But you know what? Maybe if he met Eric, he would have gotten a nice demon friend. 'Cause like, this guy's funny. Well, what's the situation? Is it like, one guy, or is it like, multiple guys? What's the lore there?

C: I'm not certain. I think the idea is that these are all just like, junior demons that like, look the same, but I feel they probably have similar personalities, at least.

G: 'Cause like, at first, when you told me about this, because, you know, the hellhound thing, this demon is also there, I thought it was like, one demon that gets reincarnated over and over again.

C: Yeah, no, but I don't think that's it. I think the idea that there's just like, an unlimited supply of this demon for other demons to abuse, and this demon is played by a Black man is quite iffy! Like, this is one type of like, replenishable demon, and this is who you chose to play this replenishable demon. And they also kill Ligur later.

G: Yeah. God.

C: Yeah. Good Omens is not beating the "Black character dies first in a horror movie" allegations. Like, at least the postman got killed also, but-

Also, apparently, the Erics, like, it was like, down to two people in the auditions, and the other person was a woman, but, like, it just turned out schedule-wise that this was the actor for Eric. So yeah. Interesting. I don't know. But anyway, the briefing, Eric 1 is like, talking about how Armageddon is the Greek name for it, and like, there's archaeological excavations over here and avocado fields over here.

G: I mean, why did you skip over the funny joke that's like, "I thought The Forces of Darkness was a bit long, so I'm calling us Darkforce One." And it's so funny! I love it so much. They literally are Darkforce One.

C: I think it's cute, yeah. And Hastur's like, "Okay, so they grow avocados here and the end of the world?" And Eric's like, "Yeah, we have a joke. We say, 'That's going to be one big avocado!'" which is not funny at all. And Hastur decides [both, Mick Jagger voice] "Not funnay!" and then chokes him to death. And he's like, "I hate jokes. I don't do jokes. Anyone who does jokes in front of me. I'm gonna fucking kill them." So Eric 2 is like, "Okay, the boy and the hellhound are gonna be here in twenty minutes. The ambassador's here for a photo op." And Hastur's like, "What's a photo op?" And he's like, "Well, it's like -Do you know what a selfie is? I believe the demon Crowley invented them."

G: He invented selfies, baby!

C: He sure did. That's a very Crowley thing to do.

G: But the picture on his phone isn't even a selfie, and I'm so embittered by it.

C: Well, that does mean he had someone take it for him.

G: Boo! [C laughing] You're trying to make it into an Aziraphale/Crowley thing, but I'm trying to make it into a "Crowley should be a TikTok e-girl" thing, so.

C: Oh, absolutely. Crowley should be a lifestyle influencer. [G laughs]

G: This is so true!

C: I mean, honestly, he probably just miracled his phone to like, stand upright and take it for him. So it is still a selfie.

G: Yeah.

C: Hastur just hates that Crowley was mentioned at all and then kills Eric 2. And then third Eric is like, "Okay, the Four Horsemen will converge here once the boy and the dog get here, and then the boy will start Armageddon," and Hastur's sorta distracted, and then he goes, "One big avocado?" and then he starts losing his shit, but like, he's like, laughing in a way that's like, he's never laughed before or like, something is off with his throat. It's a very interesting hacking laughing noise.

G: We go to Anathema's Jasmine Cottage, and the Them are bringing Newt up to her. The important things that happen here are, like, Pepper asks like, "Well, you seem like you were expecting him," and she goes, "Yes, actually." And then also, Adam sees a portrait of Satan on the side [both laugh], and, you know, Satanifies.

C: Very entranced by it. And also when the kids - when the other Them are like, "Okay, we're gonna head home for lunch now," at first, Adam's like, "I didn't say you could go." And there's like, a moment of tension.

G: And they all stop.

C: Yeah. And then he's like, "Have a good lunch!" Something that they cut, which I mean, I'm mostly glad that they cut, but like, basically Anathema looks at him and goes, "Oh, yeah, I was expecting him, but I was hoping he'd be a bit more..." and Pepper goes, "Hunky?" and Anathema says, "I think that's a bit sexist." and Pepper says, "It's not sexist to describe our male oppressors as hunky, my mum says." Okay, man. I'm glad they cut it, but also, I think the reason they cut it is because Neil was like, "Maybe it'd be a bit weird to have Anathema explicitly say that she's disappointed, [G laughing] because then it feels like she's getting forced into having sex with him by the prophecy more than she is," which she already is a little bit. So like, yeah. But like, this does really help my "Anathema is an aromantic lesbian agenda," at least.

G: Literally fucked because of a prophecy! Get fucking out of here!

C: We can talk about the prophecy of it all once they sleep together, I suppose, but it's like... [sighs]

G: As the rest of the Them head out, they start talking about how "Adam is being a bit weird!" and they're kind of scaring him a little bit. They're being different. They don't really say anything explicit that he has done that made them feel this way, but, you know, they're like, "It's just something." and that they turn the corner on a tree, Adam is seemingly miraculously on the other side, and he's staring at them ominously/like he is about to vomit. Like, he's standing by your door, and you're his parent, and he's going, "I'm gonna throw up." [C laughs] Like, that's the look.

C: We're back to the Fields of Megiddo, and the Dowlings all arrive, and they're not really happy about being here, and Thaddeus calls it Israel, because of course he does, he works for Bush. Hastur introduces himself as Professor Hastur... [both] La Vista. [both laugh] Hilarious

G: I love it. And like, they take him seriously. Later, Thaddeus goes, "Professor La Vista," and I just- I think that's so wonderful.

C: It's great. And he just completely ignores the parents. He heads straight to Warlock, and he's like, "Oh my god! Hi, Warlock! You must be Warlock!" And Warlock's just, you know, a kid who is a dick, and he's just like, "You smell like poo." And Hastur's like, very starstruck, and like, "Hahaha, you're so funny. Where's the dog, by the way?" When it's clear that there is no dog, he starts freaking out, he goes, "Hey! Do you have voices? What are they telling you?" And Warlock goes, "The voices in my head all say you smell like poo." And Hastur yells, like, [overlapping] "Crowley!!" angrily as he bites his pinky and like, black blood oozes out. And the Dowlings are both just doing that like, politely looking away thing. [both laugh] Like, they're not screaming. They're like, "Man, what a weird guy. Let's just give him some space."

We now cut to a movie theater where Crowley's alone, and did you notice how she's sitting?

G: I have, because I've seen like, a post referencing the way- yeah, the sitting is happening.

C: Wait, I thought- don't you have the Good Omens tag blocked on Tumblr as well.

G: No, I only have it blocked on Twitter.

C: Wait, I have things that are spoilers sometimes.

G: No, I don't scroll through Tumblr that much. It's not a concern.

C: That's fair. But you saw this one.

G: I scroll mostly on Twitter, and my god. The thing about Twitter is there's a "For you" page now, and unfortunately for me, I have been sucked into the "For you" page. I have every possible English word that could possibly be related to fucking Good Omens muted. I have, like, the word "season" muted, [C laughs] "season 2," "s2," like, "ineffable," like, every iteration of Crowley and Aziraphale’s name, including my beloathed "Azi." [C groans] Am I allowed to say, or do you think we're going to- our audience is going to-

C: I have no real quarrel with people who shorten Aziraphale’s name, but I just don't think that he would go for that. To me, any human AU Aziraphale doesn't use pronouns and also doesn't use a shortened version of Aziraphale's name at all.

G: Literally it's all just Aziraphale, yeah.

C: Like, Aziraphale just makes everyone say all of it, and I think that that's like, so correct of Aziraphale.

G: So important to me.

C: And Aziraphale should do it all the fucking time, and no one should ever be allowed to shorten Aziraphale’s name ever. Anyway-

G: This is true. So I have all that muted. And what Twitter has started doing is - 'cause they can't show me Good Omens English posts anymore, they would show me like, fanart where the captions are in another language. [C laughing] Crazy! Relentless algorithm! But yeah.

C: Yeah, I guess gay love can break through the veil of Twitter mute and destroy the day.

G: It well may be. I mean, the fanarts are pretty. They're nice. They're not spoilery, I don't think. So it's okay.

C: Yeah. It's just them, like, cuddling, or whatever, right?

G: Yeah! It's like, I don't know. I think like, Aziraphale is drinking tea while Crowley is like, lying on his lap, which I think is cute.

C: Godd. I just can't- It wasn't until you like, mentioned it like, yesterday or whatever that I realized that they've never hugged.

G: They've never hugged! They have never hugged!

C: And that's gonna haunt me until like, 2027. What if they don't even hug in Season 3? Like, what am I supposed to do with myself, then? Just like, die? Just die? Like, Neil Gaiman. Please.

G: God, they've never hugged. Anyway, [laughs] we need to get back on this.

C: Yeah. Crowley, the way that she's sitting is that they're like in, you know, one of those red theater seats, and then they have their legs hooked over the top of the seat in front of them, and I just think that's so charming and cute and gay, and I love them very very much. So the stage directions in the script for this makes me- So, it goes, "Crowley is sitting alone in a rundown cinema. He's waiting for the end of the world. Out of time, out of hope. He smiles despite himself at the antics of something cartoony on the screen that we cannot see." And that makes me so sad.

G: He wasn't gonna run away. He wasn't gonna do it by himself. He was never gonna do it by himself. Never.

C: Oh, yeah, yeah. Absolutely not. And- but it also makes me sad that like, he's given up already. Because, you know, like, last episode, he was like, telling Aziraphale, like, "My people can find the boy, I promise. Let's stick together." But like, he's not gonna run away by himself, but like, in this show, they're also not gonna fight by themselves.

G: Well, I mean, the thing is like, you know, the Kraken and everything, I would assume Crowley already knows that this is happening. So like, maybe there's a thinking of, "Well. Too late. Goodbye."

C: Yeah. I do think that this is somewhat slanderous of book Crowley who never, ever lost hope and is my favorite, but, like, I guess, you know, it's an adaptation, and perhaps this is more emotionally resonant or whatever. And I guess it's also like, I mean, the plan before was just to wait for Shadwell to give her information anyway, so this isn't not waiting for Shadwell to give her information.

G: Maybe that is the plan, yeah.

C: What she's watching is this cartoon with like, three rabbits in it, and it's called Saturday Morning Funtime. God. Okay, if this is like, Crowley being like, "Okay, these are my last hours on this earth," like, why Saturday Morning Funtime? Is it just because they couldn't license Golden Girls? Golden Girls is Crowley's favorite show in the book.

G: Aww! That's nice.

C: But anyway, this is what he's watching right now. And then, suddenly, one of the rabbits takes its head off, and it's Hastur.

G: In the style of the cartoon.

C: It's so fun because it's in the style of the cartoon. He's like, "What the fuck is going on, Crowley? What'd you do? I just met Warlock, and that is not Lucifer's son, and he said that I smelled of poo. You're dead meat, Crowley. You're bloody history." And Crowley, you know, panics and like, runs out, and the note that I took - 'cause I forgot the exact order of things in this episode - was, "Crowley runs out to go home," but he doesn't. [laughs] But in some ways, he does.

G: Oh, shut the fuck up. [C laughing]

C: I'm so fucking, like, relationship-pilled right now. Like, I feel like I'm doing a bad job with analysis because of how stupid lovesick I am.

Oh, I forgot. Hastur also kills one of the rabbits in the TV screen.

G: Oh, yeah. Pretty violently.

C: Yeah, pretty violently. There's like, cartoon blood exploding. And then, like, the remaining rabbit is just standing there, confused, about what to do when Crowley runs out. Slay.

G: Anyway, we go to Anathema and Newt in Jasmine Cottage. Anathema is saying, like, "Well, I know all about you, Private Newton Pulsifer," you know. "You had matches. I threw them out. You're a witchfinder." And he goes, "I'm not actually a witchfinder given that there are no witches. I'm a computer engineer."

C: Which he's not.

G: "I just needed something to get me out of the house."

C: Girl.

G: Actually, when he said that, I was like, "Okay."

C: I mean, that does make him a little less hateable, but, like, bro, there's a soup kitchen nearby, I'm sure.

G: Go to the library! [C laughs] Go join a community theater! Fuck off! Sorry. I need to calm down.

C: No, I mean, he did explicitly like, look at a guy calling people sissies and hating women and go, "This is the thing I want to do to get out of the house."

G: Yeah. And she introduces herself. She says, "I really am a witch." And she gives him the prophecy and tells him to read it, and he does.

C: Out loud, again, even though it already happened in the narration. What is it about these prophecies that makes Neil Gaiman go, "I just have to read them again and again, "like, every single person in the entire world has to read them again. Can you tell him I'm still mad about the transition from the 1600s [G laughing] to young Anathema-

G: In episode 2? For fucking real.

C: We heard it already! We heard it already.

G: Yeah. And you know, she points out, like, "Oh, that's you in your car, and the aspirin," and, you know, she gives the backstory, blah blah blah, family, Agnes, Adultery Pulsifer.

C: They cut a line that she thinks that Adultery Pulsifer just did that because he hated women. 'Cause Newt's like, "If I was called Adultery Pulsifer, I think I'd want to hurt as many people as possible," and Anathema's just like, "I think he just didn't like women." Sad!

G: She says that the end of the world starts in four hours and fifteen minutes. She goes, "I just can't figure out the prophecy," which is "Where the hog's back ends, the young beast will take the world, and Adam's line will end in fire and darkness." Newt figures out, 'cause he knows the address, that Adam Young lives in Hogsback-

C: Hogback Lane, Number 4 Hogback Lane, yeah. And Anathema hates this.

G: Hates it, 'cause she thinks Adam's a sweet, sweet kid, and all his friends are so sweet. And then, as she goes, "He can't be the great beast at the end of the world. He's the sweetest kid in the village." And then we cut to Adam-

C: Not the sweetest kid in the village.

G: - telling the Them to like, come with him and keep walking with him. And they are, but they don't want to. And he's saying, like, "You're all coming with me because there's nowhere else to go." Adam starts saying that, "There's nothing left. Like, look at everything around you. [laughing] Everyone's deleted Ecosia, [C laughing] like, the environment is going to shit!"

C: [laughing] Do you want to explain the Ecosia thing? [G laughs]

G: Me and Crystal have been trying so so so hard to insert a "delete Ecosia" joke in this podcast because it's a joke that we share. Because - was it - It was like, last year, [laughs] the Philippines elections was happening, and didn't turn out favorably for me, or, you know-

C: Anyone?

G: - a person who is like me in general. In general also. Did you know that they're like, asking for confidential funds right now, and it's so bonkers high, it's crazy? And the only reasoning they're giving is like, "Well, we don't need to give reasons. It's a confidential fund." I hope they all die. But anyway, one of the tweets that I saw in my timeline at the time was like, "Man. This administration is gonna be here for six years. Thank god the world is gonna end in five. Everybody delete Ecosia." [C laughing] And it has been in my vocabulary ever since. Everybody delete Ecosia.

C: It has very much been in my vocabulary ever since. In fact, I think the first thing that I Peached after I watched Season 2 and was so disappointed [G laughs] was "Everyone delete Ecosia."

G: [laughing] Yes, "everyone delete Ecosia"! And we got people asking you, "Wait, is Ecosia bad?" And you were like, "No!"

C: [laughing] Yeah, like, "Oh, what did Ecosia do?" [both laughing] Yeah.

G: God. Ecosia is bad for trying to save the world when the world is so so bad.

C: I mean, actually, I think that there are- I don't know if this is Ecosia-specific, but I think there are issues with like- Attempts at reforestation are like, really not undoing any of the damage that was done, blah blah blah. So like, yeah. But I don't know the specifics of Ecosia. It's possible that the species that they plant are more helpful than other replanting programs or whatever. But yeah. Truly, [laughs] Adam said that everyone's deleted Ecosia. [G laughs]

G: Adam literally said that.

C: And then he says that he needs to do the final push to make everyone who hasn't deleted Ecosia yet delete Ecosia.

G: He's going to make the world end.

C: Yeah. Specifically, he wants to make it better by burning it all down and then starting it again. And I felt this is quite interesting given that we saw Noah's Ark last episode.

G: He wants to Noah's Ark this thing.

C: Like, it's much like that. It's interesting the different ways that people are viewing the ending of the world. Like, Heaven and Hell are both just like, "We're going to raze the earth to the ground and then use it as the battlefield to prove who's better." Though, actually, do we know that that's a hundred percent true? Like, do we know exactly what's going to happen? Because it's possible that, like, the great fight between Heaven and Hell actually involves, like, human souls. Like, maybe all the humans die and the souls join different sides and it's like, whoever was good on Earth and whoever was bad, like, changes the numbers in the army, and that's like, part of the test of humans or something? You know what I mean?

G: I fucking doubt it.

C: Yeah. I mean, I also doubt it, but like, they're very vague about what exactly is going to happen. And like, Adam, seems to be thinking that like, they're gonna restart the Earth after. Okay, I guess it's like, whoever wins gets to restart the Earth alone, right? Either Heaven will build a new Earth or Hell will.

G: It will be Hell on Earth or Heaven on Earth, yeah.

C: Yeah. Adam's ending the world because it's like, a fresh start-

G: [laughs] He wants to delete Ecosia.

C: He wants to delete Ecosia! Yeah, the angels and the demons have the same reason, and Crowley still views it as a test, and I'm still not sure exactly what she means by that. But I think it's nice that that is what she thinks.

G: Oh my god, we're at the breakup scene.

C: We sure are at the breakup scene. Though- I don't- I feel like I did want to discuss a bit the way that Adam got here. Is it not, like, politically confusing to you what this book and the show are trying to do, like, a little bit?

G: How would you describe politically confusing?

C: Okay, I guess if I had to summarize what's happened, Anathema's a leftist who's a little too into conspiracy theories, and she presents Adam with some real issues mixed in with some fake stuff. Somehow, what Adam shapes about reality is like, the aliens and Atlantis, like, harmless fake stuff, but what hits him emotionally is the hopelessness about the environment, and also possibly like, the misinformation in the magazines, and he's no longer able to view humanity as capable of enacting positive change. So then he's like, here. And like, I guess that makes an amount of sense to me. But like, is it like about like- I mean, I know that things don't actually have to have a political ideology or a political throughline. But I feel like Neil Gaiman has said in interviews that, like, Terry Pratchett, like, what really drove him to write Good Omens is like, anger at the world, and like, wanting to like, say something, so like, I feel like, there has to be something that they're going for. And is it just about like, how like, you have to like, stay hopeful, even if all these issues that leftists care about are like, present? 'Cause, like, that's kind of confusing when you mix in like, the conspiracy theory shit. Like, the one-sentence summary of this is just like, "misinformationed leftist turns child into ecofash," right? Like, that's what happens. And I guess I am confused a little bit about why those were the choices. I don't know how. Do you have any confusion?

G: Crystal,you have to remember, I don't know how this story pans out. [laughs]

C: I'm just talking about like, right now, the fact that this is what has caused Adam to do this.

G: I don't know. I guess, in my head, I'm waiting for how Adam deals with it later. How his story resolves before I go, "And this is what they're trying to say." 'Cause, right now, I have no idea what they're trying to say.

C: Sure. Yeah. Nor I, honestly. But yeah, I think the idea that if Adam had gone on without reading those magazines, he wouldn't even end the world is the thing, right? There were voices whispering in his head, like, "End it all, mend it all" doesn't mean anything when you don't actually think there's anything wrong with the world.

G: Well I would also say that it's interesting to me that he is 11, and like, it is intentional that he's 11, and like, I think he really couldn't have been any other age. I think 11 really is- Like, if you want to write a story of this type, of like, somebody learning about the world and being so disillusioned and like, having such childish ideas of how to fix that disillusionment in the world, etc, I do like that they made it that he's 11. 'Cause like, I think you can make it so it's a teenage angst situation, but like, it's really not. I remember when I was that age, Adam's age, I learned for the first time that the US was a colony and that, you know, the United States fought for independence and all that. And I thought to myself, "Well, if that's true, and they were colonized, and they didn't like it, why'd they do it to us?" It's that, you know, like, it's that kind of logic that like, when you're kid, you do think like, "Well, why?" And, yeah. I like- I quite like Adam. I think- I don't know. I still don't know what the hell they're trying to say with Adam.

C: Yeah. I like him. This is realistic to me on a character level, I'm just confused about it from a writing perspective.

G: Yeah, exactly.

C: Saur. Crowley drives to Aziraphale’s bookshop. Man. I watched this scene like, five times at least. [G laughs] I just like, got to the end-

G: The first time I watched this episode, as it ends, I just kept rewinding over and over again.

C: So he pulls up to the driveway with the worst parallel parking job God has ever seen,

and when he gets out he leaves the door open 'cause like, they're that desperate. Also, at this point, I realized that Crowley's license plate, which is like, NIAT RUC is "curtain" backwards, which is fun. I don't know what it means, but it feels relevant to the "your starring role" shit.

G: Isn't that something they say- They say that on Staged, I think, that joke.

C: You've seen Staged? I haven't seen Staged.

G: [laughs] I watched one episode, yes.

C: An entire episode?! How long-

G: Yes. Not the entire episode. I watched like, the first ten minutes. And I was like, "Yeah, I don't like this." [C laughs]

C: God! He runs out and he goes like, "Angel, I'm sorry. I apologize. Whatever I said, I didn't mean it. Work with me. I'm apologizing here. Yes? Good. [both] Get in the car." He's crazy, he's crazy, he's craazy. Okay. Also, in the script, he's supposed to grab Aziraphale at this point, but in the show, he's just standing there, and honestly, I think it's better. The tension is better.

G: Let's break this down. Let's break this down.

C: Ya. Ya. Ya. [laughs]

G: "Angel, I'm sorry." [C laughs] Insane thing to say. He didn't do anything wrong, he didn't say anything wrong. All of the hurtful things that were said were from Aziraphale’s direction. And he goes, "Angel, I'm sorry"?

C: I mean, Crowley said, "You're ridiculous. I don't even know why I'm still talking to you," and like, that, as the last thing you'll ever say to each other before you have to kill each other is like, not fun. I get why he would apologize.

G: Eh. Blah blah blah.

C: But yeah, it is mostly like a- It's just like a, "Well, I don't care right now. The only thing I want to do is get you out of here. And clearly, you're upset at me. So let's just like, whatever it was. Yeah. Sorry. Let's fucking go."

G: When he said, like, "I'm apologizing here. Yes? Good?" I did not expect the next line to be, "Get in the car." And I felt like- [both laugh] I felt the same way Aziraphale has felt in that moment of like, "What?? No!" Like, "Get in the car?" It was- "Get in the car." Is anyone else feeling like an insane person? [laugh] God!

C: [laughing] Okay, when I first watched this scene, I like, looked down, and there were bite marks on my hand, and I just noticed that I'm biting my hand, like, right now. Like- [laughing] it's a lot. It sure is a fucking scene. What is it about "Get in the car" that really got you?

G: Like, no explanation, no, like- What was going on in Crowley's head? Was he like, "I'll tell the angel to get in the car, and then he will, and then I'll explain, and then we'll be off to Alpha-" like, the fact that he didn't even bother to start with the explanation. He just goes, "Okay! We're fine! So now we'll do our thing, and you will get in the car!" And it's like, I don't know. You told me once that, in the book, Crowley is described to be a raging optimist or however it's phrased.

C: Yeah. Once we get to that scene, I will read the whole passage in full and then scream and cry and sob and moan.

G: Here, I suppose it's like, I don't know, the hope that like, "I'll say sorry, and then everything's going to be okay, and then we'll just continue on." Like, I don't know, there's such juvenile hopefulness to it that really gets to me, I guess.

C: Yeah. And I think it's just like, "Our relationship is usually operated off of trust. And like, why wouldn't he trust me now?" Yeah, and just the complete lack of communication is so good. And their voice is so pleading, and they have, like, their arms out sort of in a similar gesture as in the bandstand when they were mentioning the same thing.

G: Oh, that's the one. That's the one that's the one that really got to me, too. Like, there is no change in what he's asking. He's asking me the exact same thing. The only change is that now he has added an exact location. Now he's like, "We're going to Alpha Centauri." But it's still the exact same suggestion, the exact same request. He literally went and go, "I must have said something wrong. Whatever it is, I'm sorry. Anyway, I'm going to say the exact same thing I said. Do you wanna come?" [both laugh] Like, you're crazy, Crowley. [C laughing] God.

C: And I just love that this is the breakdown of their relationship. Because I feel like for millennia, they've maintained a friendship, and it's because Crowley tempts Aziraphale to do or ask him to do things that Aziraphale secretly wants the whole time. But like, this time, like, it's not something that Aziraphale secretly wants, so it doesn't work. And like, they've had conversations in the past about like, their beliefs about like, religion and God and all that, and it's like, they've always stuck to their sides, and they've never really been able to change each other's minds, and if it's too awkward, then they just go. "You're an angel." "You're a demon" bullshit, blah blah blah blah, and then move on. But like, they can't move on past this anymore, because it is the end of the world, and it is their fundamental beliefs that are clashing right now. So like, nothing Crowley can do will work, and nothing Aziraphale can do will work. They're just stuck here forever but they can't live without each other, so it's just misery forever.

G: God! It is so unstoppable force/immovable object of them.

Aziraphale goes like, "What? No!" And then Crowley explains.

C: Yeah, he goes, "The forces of Hell have figured out it was my fault, but we can run away together. Alpha Centauri. Lots of spare planets up there. Nobody would even notice us." Ugh. Yeah. At least he finally explained. And I feel like this just totally goes over Aziraphale’s head, the fact that Hell's after Crowley right now. But I think he's just very focused on like, what he has to do right now. But it's still like- We saw history and all that shit, and like, Aziraphale's fear that Hell's gonna punish Crowley for them working together has like, been such a big thing. But I guess they're now in such a stressful situation that it's just not registering, nothing's registering, they can't communicate.

G: And also the fact that Crowley doesn't know that Aziraphale has been found out in some way. There was no hint of it, no anything, because it wasn't like- Hastur wasn't accusing him of, you know, trying to stop the Apocalypse. He's accusing him of misplacing the child. So like, there is no actual leap to make that, "Oh, and Aziraphale will be in danger, too." So this ask really is just for Crowley. It's not like, "I'm going to make sure that I'm safe and that you're safe." It's just, "I don't want to die, and I want you to come with me." It is a purely selfish - and I don't mean selfish in a conceited way, just that it's for Crowley and Crowley alone. The ask is for her only. And- [screams]

C: Yeah. And, I mean, partly, it is because, you know, like, last episode, it was like, "Well, the world is probably gonna end, maybe. Like, if we know that we can't stop it, then we really have got to go." But yeah, I feel like the fact that this is the explanation now is mostly just 'cause they don't want to die, and they want Aziraphale to come with them. [screams] Love that. Love that so much. And Aziraphale goes, like, "Crowley. You're being ridiculous. I'm quite sure if I can just reach the right people, that I can get all this sorted out." Do you think he believes that?

G: Yes! I think he does.

C: Oh, god, that's devastating. Okay. The thing is, yeah, the whole time, he's been like- everything he's done is like, trying to prove that, like, The Great Plan doesn't actually want Armageddon to happen. When you said that this is a test of Aziraphale, like, it really is.

G: It is!

C: It is like Abraham being like, "Surely God will stay my hand at the last minute. Surely I don't actually have to kill my son." This is what's happening with Aziraphale, and he keeps asking more and more people, like, "Okay, but like, Heaven doesn't actually want this, right?" And each time, they say, "Yes," and he's like, "Okay, but I can't live with that. So I need to ask someone else." Agh! I love him a lot. But yeah. So he does- yeah, he truly believes that, like, if he talks to God, She will sort it all out. And maybe he's like, "And, you know, in the course of that, like, you'll also be saved. We'll all be fine." And Crowley goes, "There aren't any right people. There's just God moving in mysterious ways and not talking to any of us!" What I really love about how they have filmed this is Crowley is taller than Aziraphale, but somehow, they've positioned themselves so that Crowley's head is like, tilted up pleadingly the whole time that he's talking, and Aziraphale is just looking like, straight ahead, eye-level. I don't know how this is working. But like, yeah. It really highlights- the body language really highlights where they're at. Crowley already sort of tried God, like, earlier in this episode. And that's- I don't think he really- I think it was mostly just angst. I don't think he really thought that She was gonna reply. But it does make me emo that the demon tried it first.

Okay, so like, Crowley continues and says, "You're so clever. How can somebody as clever as you be [both] so stupid?" And Aziraphale takes a little pause at this, and emotions flicker across his face. The stage direction is, "Aziraphale decides not to be offended by this." And then he says, very- it's like, gentle but firm at the same time, like, "I forgive you." Aughhhh. Gah. By the way.

G: Why? Okay. What does this mean? 'Cause like, in the logic of the interaction, it's, you know, Crowley says, "Sorry," and this is like, Aziraphale responding to that. But, like, what does it mean?

C: I mean, it seems sort of a response of Crowley calling him stupid. But it, yeah, is also maybe a response to the entire apology.

G: It's not a response to being called stupid at fucking all.

C: Is it not at all? But it says "Aziraphale decides not to be offended by this," is that not- like, that sort of implies that it's also a response to that.

G: When I'm watching the show, I'm not-

C: Yeah, you're not reading the stage directions. You're right. Sorry. And yeah, death of the author means that anything that isn't in the show doesn't actually count. Continue.

G: I don't know what. What is he forgiving? Is that "I'm forgiving you for even asking this of me"?

C: God. Augh.

G: 'Cause that's how I took it.

C: Maybe.

G: Doesn't the last episode of Season 2 end this way?

C: [laughing] Let's not talk about that! Anyway! [both laughing]

G: [laughing] Wait? What's happening? Doesn't it? Doesn't he say- Like, they kiss and he says, "I forgive you for kissing me" or something.

C: [overlapping] Yes. Yes. Yes, he does, yes, he does, and no one has to think about that for several months is what I think.

G: [laughing] Okay. Okay.

C: Okay. So it's- what does he mean by that? I didn't think about it that much because I was mostly just looking at how devastated Crowley looks. But okay, I think my breakdown of the scene- Does Aziraphale think that Crowley's gonna leave for real?

G: He's not.

C: Probably not. 'Cause he calls later, fully just assuming she's gonna be at her flat.

G: Yeah. Is it a "I forgive you for losing hope"?

C: Yeah, I think it's also like a, "In case we don't make it through, like, I want to make sure we like, leave off on good terms." Though, I mean, maybe not because he thinks that if he talks to God, She'll fix it. How desperate is he- I mean, some amount of desperate, but it's hard to say how much he thinks they'll never see each other again.

G: I don't know. I'll stick with my "I'll forgive you for acting this way and asking this and doing this."

C: Yeah. The point of the sentence "I forgive you" is like, "You did something wrong. I know you did something wrong. And it's so obvious that you did something wrong that you know that you did something wrong. Like, the apology is inherent in the wrongness of the action that you just did, because it's so obviously wrong." And I think that is a fascinating response to anything.

G: Well, maybe it's not like, "I know that you did something wrong by virtue of you apologizing," and more of "I know you think you did something wrong, and whatever it is that you think you did wrong, I forgive you for it." That's a more benevolent reading.

C: Sure. But I think this is quite similar to- 'Cause they just had another breakup like, two hours ago, right?

G: No, for fucking real! [C laughing] How many times are they gonna break up in this fucking show?

C: More than this, I suppose.

G: Just the three? [laughs]

C: I mean, they broke up in Saint James's Park, also.

G: Oh, yeah, that's four.

C: Yeah. They are the thrice-divorced old man yaoi everyone wants.

G: Yeah. They are literally so crover and so back.

C: Yeah. In the last episode, right, Aziraphale also uses the language of forgiveness, but like, that's like, you know, Crowley says, like, "Great pustulent mangled bollocks to The Great blasted Plan," and yeah, it's "May you be forgiven," and Crowley's like, "Well, I'm unforgivable, due to being a demon." So like, is this a callback to that? Like, "You may think you're unforgivable due to being a demon, but I forgive you."

G: No, it's it's different. It's different. Because, like, "May you be forgiven" is like, "May the Lord or the universe or whatnot forgive you." This is different. I don't think this applies to the whole, "I'm a demon. I cannot be forgiven." 'Cause it's not about the demon Crowley. It's just Crowley, you know?

C: Yeah. But do you think Crowley might read it as that?

G: I mean, he started the discussion with, "I'm sorry." So yeah. How did Crowley read this? Crowley read this as-

C: In the worst possible way.

G: "I am an immovable-" Yeah, "I'm an immovable object, and you're never going to move me,” and this is like, a pity thing, and it's like, "Well, I forgive you. You may go now."

C: "We will never be 'Mountain and the Sea' by Ingrid Michaelson." Okay, "You think that the reason that I'm not going with you is because I'm angry at you, and I need you to apologize. But no, I'm just not going with you because I'm not going with you." [G screams] How miserable! Yeah.

G: Is anyone else so miserable? [C laughs] God.

C: Yeah. And Crowley looks devastated at the "I forgive you." Like, it's like, "Truly, there's no hope left. Like, there's nothing I can do anymore. And we're just both gonna die on this rock together, separated by like, a twenty-minute walk, never looking at each other again. Great."

Aziraphale's body language, he's holding himself so like, still and tight, and Crowley's like, gesturing and coming closer and pleading, and it's a lot. It's a lot. Like, thank god for the fucking sunglasses, because I know that he's like, crying under there.

He like, runs to the car, and like, stands in it like, dramatically, and goes, "I'm going home, angel. I'm getting my stuff, and I'm leaving, and when I'm off in the stars, I won't even think about you!" Insane thing to say. Do you think that even now he was like, "I'm never leaving"? When did he decide he wasn't gonna leave?

G: I think in this moment he was like, [mocking voice] "I'm not even gonna think about you?" And then literally on the drive home, it's like, "Well. Mm." [both laughs] He literally could've just left. Like, just leave, bro. But like, no. There was the whole Hastur Ligur thing. Like, you really did not have to do that, Crowley. And yet, you know, it was done, so.

C: Yeah, I mean, he's probably just operating off of instinct right now. Like, they end their fights with Crowley saying something hurtful and going like, "I have plenty of other people to fraternize with, I don't need you, like, you're being ridiculous, I don't even know why I'm still talking to you." This is just like, a defense mechanism, I think. But this is such a- he's so upset that he's not thinking about how these could be his last words to Aziraphale. But I also think that, yeah, I think that as soon as Aziraphale said “no,” they knew in some part of themselves that like, they couldn't leave. Like, okay. I'm staying and fighting. Anyone else so miserable? And then we get some whatever whatever joke. There's some guy who's walking by, and he notices this all happening, and he tells Aziraphale, "I've been there. You're better off without him, you know?" Great. Okay. Whatever. And Aziraphale just looks after Crowley leaving with a sad little frown.

G: But the thing is [laughs], Crowley is the one who's better off without him, I would say. [laughs]

C: Really? I mean, I think Aziraphale is a bit more explicitly mean about the whole "You're inherently evil," blah blah blah thing-

G: That's what I said! I said Crowley is better-

C: No no no, I know, I'm agreeing with you in that part. I'm saying that I think that that is true, that he does do things like that, but I also think that it doesn't really hurt Crowley anymore. I think he knows it's just part of their song and dance. But yeah. Would be nicer if Aziraphale was a little more niceys.

Before this next scene, I do wanna say they cut a scene in the script which is so annoying, which is just that War pulls up to like, a girl and her boyfriend, and like, the girl's male friend, and then they all see War, and they go awooga, and they all start fighting over her, and it starts with the two men fighting over her, but eventually the girl also gets into it, so I guess diversity win?

G: We go to the fucking Crowley Mayfair apartment, and he is strutting, strutting, walk, walk, fashion, baby. There's like, a portion where he like, curbs the hallway, and we see right behind her, it's like, the wings. [screams] It's so nice!

C: Yes, it's the fucking eagle lectern whatever whatever statue from 1941, and the wings are- Yup, it is sure wing imagery, and it sure did happen.

G: There's like, a little montage of Crowley getting the tartan thermos full of holy water out of the safe, which is, you know, right behind the Mona Lisa. And I think this scene was fun, mostly because Crowley looks so good it's unreal. [laughs]

C: Yeah. Sure do.

G: Yeah. Yeah. Whew! Like, there's a- I don't want to- maybe I'll cut this out. I don't know. But there's the the part where, like, Crowley's, like, hands, are on the safe-

C: Uh-huh. [G laughs]

G: [laughing] That's all I have to say.

C: Listen, [laughing] I watched Ducktales to listen to David Tennant’s voice on a plane. [both laughing] I think you can do whatever you want regarding his hands.

G: [laughing] It's so crover.

C: I didn't notice. Is the flask dusty at all? Because the script mentions that it's supposed to be dusty, which made me quite emotional.

G: I don't know.

C: I didn't notice it being dusty. Props team, should have done better.

G: Crowley is holding with like, gloves and everything, with a nice little apron. There's like, a bucket, and she throws it into the bucket, with like, force - I don't know. What do you call that? Like, garden something?

C: Forceps or whatever?

G: Is it forceps? Aren't those so small-

C: Like, big fuckoff tong things.

G: Giant forceps, yeah. But, you know, being very careful and all that crap. She puts the thing at the top of the door, and like, the door's a bit ajar, and like, you know, they like, sit on the throne, and they have the mister for the plants. It's super fun!

C: And they so stupidly take their gloves off. [G exclaims] Come on, girl.

G: Fucking- put it back on. Put it back on!

Ligur and Hastur are knocking at the door, and like, going like, "Crowley, we know you're in there."

C: "We only want a little word with you." I love how Ligur says it.

G: They enter. Ligur is walking up front. And they peek over and see Crowley sitting on the throne. As Ligur opens the door to the throne room, the bucket falls into his head, and he disintegrates.

C: Yep, he melts. And there's screaming sounds the whole time, and you think it's Ligur.

G: When I first watched this, I did think it was Ligur, and then, you know, he disintegrates, the screams keeps on going, and you realize it's Hastur. Hastur is the one screaming.

C: Yeah. Pretty fun.

G: He is so appalled by all this, and then he's like, "Well, Ligur hasn't done anything to you!"

C: "Yet."

G: Crowley pulls out the mister and goes, "You know what this is? It's a plant mister. Cheapest and most efficient in the market today." [C laughs] And, you know, he's saying like, "I have holy water in here. I can turn you into that," pointing at Ligur. And Hastur goes like, "You're bluffing." And Crowley goes, "Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. Ask yourself, do you feel lucky?" And we see like, a slow-mo of a drop from the head of the mister go down very slowly into Crowley's finger and like, slides off, and, you know, he doesn't die, so Hastur goes, "Yep. Do you?" And he explodes the mister, and then Crowley is still alive. So it's not holy water. And then the phone starts ringing. Crowley's phone starts ringing and we go to the bookshop, where Aziraphale is ringing him. And he starts saying like, "Hello! I know where the Antichrist is." But like, the the voicemail message starts happening.

C: The voicemail message is, "Hello! This is Anthony Crowley. You know what to do. Do it with style." Which, first of all, I love that his first name is important enough to him that he has it on his voicemail. Secondly, you know, the other voicemail that's important to me is Castiel Supernatural's.

G: Yes. "Make your voice a mail."

C: Yes. "This is a voicemail. Make your voice a mail." And they're on like, opposite ends of the spectrum, but are they on the spectrum? Yes. [laughs]

G: He goes like, "Don't move" to Hastur and goes like, "Oh, before you embarrass yourself, you need to know something." And then he answers the call real quick, and like, we hear Aziraphale on the other side going, "I know where the Anti-" but Crowley goes like, "Nope, not a good time. Got an old friend here." and hangs up.

C: Yeah, and it's like a "Hey, shut up, because, like, Hastur cannot fucking hear the end of this" thing, right?

G: Yeah.

C: Crowley already suspects that Aziraphale knows where the Antichrist is because of what he said last episode, right?

G: What did he say last episode?

C: "Even if I knew where the Antichrist was, I wouldn't tell you. We're on opposite sides."

G: [imitating Aziraphale] "Opposite sides!" So dramatic.

C: "We're on our side!" Anyway, he already knew, so this is like, "It's nice you're trusting me now, but not a good time. Sorry, bro."

G: Anyway, as Jeb once said, “David Tennant will take any opportunity to play as camp as possible.” And you know what? He took this fucking opportunity because Crowley decides that the best thing to do right now is to tell Hastur that, "Oh, the Darkness or the Lords of Darkness or whatever, the Lords of Hell were actually testing you. And now we know that you're trustworthy."

C: Yeah, the stage direction says that Crowley "smiles like a lighthouse burning or a TV quizmaster." I love you so much, Anthony Janthony Crowley.

G: He is putting on the like, [TV quizmaster voice] "Well, you've definitely passed the test!" Like, it's so fun. He even does this thing where he like, stands up on the chair, and as he does, like, lightning blasts outside, and he goes like, "You know what, Duke Hastur?" Like, he calls him Duke Hastur. And he goes, "Let's call the Dark Council so they can tell you that you've done an amazing job!" Hastur goes, "You're calling the Dark Council?" and he goes, "Yes, I am. And they say, [both] 'So long, suckah!'" And then, like, he sticks his tongue out, and there's this like, hissing noise. And Crystal said it's so sad that her tongue doesn't do the split tongue thing. And you know what? It is sad.

C: Yeah. It should have been forked. But we live with what we can. And we also get to see the profile picture of Crowley on her phone.

G: Yeah!

C: It's just them in like, sunglasses looking regular. [laughs] Not smiling, I don't think.

C: God says, like, "Okay, I'm gonna explain to you a bit the physics of what happening." I feel like, cold? Like, it feels like my blood isn't working properly? But okay. [G laughs] So- so She goes like, "Over the years, a lot of people have debated the question, 'How many angels can dance on the head of a pin?' To answer it, we need information. Firstly, angels don't dance. It's one of the distinguishing characteristics that marks an angel. So none. At least, nearly none. Aziraphale had learned a dance called the gavotte in a discreet gentleman's club in Portland Place in the late 1880s." So, can we- okay. So. So so so so. So. So let's break this down, right? Okay? Okay okay okay okay. So.

G: Okay.

C: The scene that we see of Aziraphale dancing - I don't know, fun fact, it's like, to an arrangement of "I'm a courtier, grave and serious" from the Gilbert and Sullivan opera or musical The Gondoliers. I don't know. Anyway. So so. He's like, in this club, right? Well, we see a bunch of men wearing black suits dancing in this club, like, a pretty silly dance. Very arranged. And then Aziraphale sort of comes in from off-screen, and he's dancing, and he's the fucking belle of the ball.

G: [laughing] He is!

C: He's the only one wearing white. He's in the center. They're all dancing around. He's grinning. He's having the fucking time of his life. He looks so fucking proud of himself. He looks left and right, and smiles very hard, and then he like, does a gesture like a "ta-da!" at the end. And okay, so here's- here are the things about the line "a discreet gentleman's club in Portland Place in the late 1880s." I need you all to understand that I watched this clip at 5:48PM, and then I sat there like, alternating, thinking, and crying until 6:13. [G laughs] So for 25 minutes, I kept trying to write notes, and then I would think of a sentence to write down, and then I would just start crying into my hands. It was truly an experience. And then I didn't finish writing said notes, or like, having said thoughts until 6:49PM. So it took an hour and a minute for me to keep watching. So okay, let's break this down, right? Okay, first, this is a gay club. All the people dancing here are men. They're dancing with each other. This is a big deal 'cause a lot of what the queer activists in the podcast Making Gay History talk about in regards, to like, forming community spaces is like, the joy at like, being able to find a place where it's safe to dance with someone of their preferred gender. And like, yeah, this is an underground gay club that he is at. And we've already talked about how he presents the way he presents, knowing that everyone will assume he's gay, and that he has a bookshop in Soho which is like, a very gay district of London. But like, this is like an increased level of being with the gay community right now. Also, Neil Gaiman has said that it's supposed to be a reference to the Hundred Guineas Club, which is like a club that was like, for the richest gay men ever because the annual membership cost a hundred guineas, which in today's money is £15,000. [G laughs]

G: Damn.

C: Also, I think this portrayal of the Hundred Guineas Club doesn't really jive with like, the little that I was able to find about it online, 'cause it seemed like a lot of the people there would like, dress in drag and go by feminine names while they were there and stuff like that. Also, Portland Place is about a 17 minute walk from Soho, so it was very close to where Aziraphale was. Okay, so that's the discreet gentleman's club part, right? In Portland Place.

Okay, now that we have the late 1880s part. So number one thing, the first thing we have talked about, which is that it was during the period that Aziraphale and Crowley were broken up after St. James's Park. So it's been 18 years since then, and Aziraphale is here, and he has friends, like, these are friends to him. He likes it here. And he's having his, like, sex- self-act- Okay, why did I- Okay, he's having his self-actualization-

G: [laughing] His sex-actualization. For fucking real.

C: His sex-actualization. [laughs] He's having both. Perhaps. But yeah, he's having a self-actualization time. He's like, finding- like, yeah, yep. That is what's happening. Also, speaking of that period, something that I totally neglected to inform you of is that in the book, there's no breakup or whatever, right? But it does mention that Crowley slept right through most of the nineteenth century. And a lot of people have combined this book fact with the fact that they broke up in the nineteenth century. And I don't think that in the show that that actually happened, I don't think it was like, a consideration, but it sure is a thing that one could think about.

Secondly, the 1880s, and specifically, the fact that he specifies the late 1880s is that the Criminal Law Amendment Act of 1885 was like, a big deal, for, like, gay people in the UK at the time. 'Cause the way that laws, like, criminalizing homosexuality worked before this was anal sex was like, illegal, but nothing else was explicitly illegal in the books of law, right? But Section 11 of the Criminal Law Amendment Act of 1885 said that there would be two years of imprisonment for any man found guilty of "gross indecency" with another male, "whether in public or in private." And gross indecency was sort of meant to like, encompass all gay sex, so yeah, just all of it. And like, this was the law that Oscar Wilde was arrested under. Like, it was a big deal. Aziraphale's not here in the 1880s in general. He's here in the late 1880s, explicitly like, after 1885. And I think that part of why he's here is because he thinks that these people need his help and his protection while he's here.

G: God.

C: Like, during this really scary time, he wants to be there for them and to be a part of them like, going against the laws and like, still like, dancing together, and like [G sniffles], all that shit, right? [tearing up]

G: [teary] Yeah.

C: And I don't think that this is, like, the first time Aziraphale has spent time with the queer community, [G sniffles] though, like, obviously like, the existence of such a thing and the definitions and identities and ways of thinking surrounding such a thing like, have changed over the time. But like, I feel like he hasn't really for a bit. And now he's like, "They need me. And I'm coming back." And it's also like, not just like, an act of like- Like, it is an act of like, benevolence and like, protection and all that, [teary] but it's also like, a- Like a "he's part of this." Like, he's smiling at the other people here. These are his friends. And like, we know that he does make human friends because, like, he like, has his books of prophecy signed by like, Nostradamus calling him his old friend, and all of that, but like [tearier], yeah, this very much hits differently. Like, he's here, and he decides that he's gonna be here as both a protector and a member and a friend, and he's clearly loved by everyone here because they're so excited that he's here and they're letting him like, be the fucking belle of the ball. [G laughs] And he's here, and he's being gay, and he loves gay people, and everyone should download Ecosia. [G teary-laughs] And it's also the fact that it opens with like, him being the only angel who dances, and this is the first time he ever dances. Like, it says that not dancing is a distinguishing characteristic of an angel-

G: Yeah.

C: - and he goes like, "I don't need that community with Heaven right now. [starts crying] I need to be here." [crying] Fuck! [screams] [G crying] Do you know why I was crying for a fucking hour now? [both literally crying]

G: [crying] Anyway.

C: [crying] Yeah! So- [laughing] [G exhales] I... feel craaazed. I-

G: God. [sighs]

C: I think a lot of the book fans have like, the idea that, like, Aziraphale [G still crying/trying to calm himself] sort of assigned himself as like, the principality of queer people, and like, as a protector of queer people in Soho, and I feel like, this is like, why.

G: Yeah. Yeah.

C: And yeah. So yeah. Anyway.

Right. Also, like, barely related, but like, I think I did notice, while doing like, reading about the 1885 law that gay sex was decriminalized in the UK in 1967, which is the last year in the flashback sequence at the beginning of Episode 3. I wonder if that was at all a little intentional Easter egg thing at all, but maybe not. Maybe it's just because 1967 seems like a random enough number in the 1960s.

Oh, also, if you wanna read about Crowley and Aziraphale dancing as lesbians, you should read "follow me in merry measure" by larkthorne. Ya. [laughs] Alright! I'm normal again. Let's- [both laughing]

G: Oh, god! [C screams]

C: He literally gave up a distinguishing characteristic of angels because he loves humans and he loves Earth, and he wants to specifically be here with the gay humans on Earth! And it says that he got really good at it, and he was sad when it went out of fashion. Like, he loves this, and he loves them, and, ya! [teary laugh]

G: Okay. Well.

C: God continues and asks how many demons can dance on the head of a pin, and she says, "Demons do dance, but not what you'd call good dancing." And then we see, like, basically - you described Hell as sort of like, a dingy underground club in Episode 1-

G: And now it is.

C: And I never really saw it, but in this part, it absolutely is. They have like, lights going on. The demons honestly look like they're having a great time. God's like, "They're bad dancers." That's just like, how people dance in a club. They're vibing. I'm glad they get to find joy.

And another thing that we see is Crowley in this-

G: [laughs] Are we gonna mention-?

C: Yes, I am. Crowley in this atrocious outfit-

G: It's so bad. He looks so bad.

C: He has long hair, but it's like, the only time that I wish he wouldn't. And then like, this awful mustache. And he's dancing with Hastur and Ligur with like, a big old pin prop. And when Grey got to this, I sent him a video that we will reblog that is sort of like, a behind the scenes look at the filming of this, [G laughing] and the OP had set it to "Daddy Cool" by Boney M, and Grey responded- You know what? Okay, I'll humiliate myself too. Fine. Let's do this together. Hand in unlovable hand. [G laughing] I was just gonna read your messages, but let's just do all of it. Right? Okay, you respond, "uhm," U-H-M. I respond, "yes?" and then "if the uhm isn't about wanting to fuck her so bad i will understand unfortunately i do. so bad." And then you said, "maybe the bottom crowley truthers were right." [G laughing] And then I keysmashed, and then you said, "david tennants hips ARE doing so much work compensating for his flat ass. let this be known." And now everyone knows it. I feel like we do need to put a disclaimer here that we both think that bottom/top discourse is like, stupid as shit, and like, we don't actually engage in it.

G: Oh yeah, that comment was brought about a previous conversation where we were talking about how stupid it is [laughs], so-

C: Yeah, we were talking about how stupid it is, and also the trends in the Good Omens fandom.

G: - that there's like, bottom truthers and top truthers, yeah.

C: You were surprised when I said that I feel like most people are bottom!Crowley truthers. Or at least I feel like it leans that way.

G: I... I don't wanna talk about this. [both laughing] Okay, I'll talk about it. I don't know. I guess with a lot of fictional couples, I don't necessarily think of them having sex until I'm reading fanfiction. It's beyond me.

C: These ones, you have talked about how they need to fuck so bad, like, a lot, though.

G: Yeah. But like, not like, specifics. By "fuck," I do mean, like, tossing around [C laughing], you know? Like, you're in bed, you're tossing around, that's the extent of it.

C: So real. Just like, a wall happens.

The music playing here is like, a disco version of the song that Aziraphale was dancing to.

G: The song from prior.

C: And although it's not explicitly mentioned here, I do wanna note that, like, disco. is like, a music style and stuff that, like, is heavily associated with gay culture in the 1960s and 1970s. Like, disco clubs were like, some of the few places that you could have same-sex dancing, like, during that time. So both of them are doing gay dancing. It's fun. And God finally finishes explaining that, like, Crowley has shrunk down so that she can move in the gaps between electrons, and it shows her and Hastur inside the telephone line system, whatever whatever, and it's just like, a big old tunnel with a bunch of like, rectangles zooming past, and Crowley is like, whooping and having a great time. Hastur's like, "You can't escape me. Wherever you come out, I'll come out too." Say that. [G laughs] Eventually, Crowley jumps out and leaves Hastur trapped in their answering machine. Hastur is so angry about this, and then he ends with going, "You and your best friend Aziraphale, you're dead meat.” This is the first time best friend has been used to talk about either of them, and I mean, I care a lot about the phrase "best friend," so I care a lot about this. This is also, yeah, you mentioned before that Crowley has no reason to think that Aziraphale's in danger, but, like, now, he does have a reason. Like, Hell's aware of Aziraphale, which is gonna make it so fun when he runs to the bookshop next episode [laughs], don't you think?

G: Oh, shut the fuck- [growls] Yeah.

C: Yeah. Okay, to let you guys know, Grey has already been semi-spoiled on that so I did not just ruin things.

G: Yeah, I was making a Bentley music playlist, like, songs that Crowley would listen to in the Bentley, and, like, I have the, you know, the usual Queen songs in there, but I was like, "Is there anything specific that plays in the show that I need to add here?" So I Google "Crowley," I don't know "Queen, Good Omens music" whatever. And there was an article that showed up, and one of them said that Episode 5 opens with Crowley running to Aziraphale or some other with [C makes pained sound] "You're My Best Friend" playing in the background. I think maybe we should post the [laughs] DMs that we shared that time-

C: Perhaps.

G: - 'cause it was very funny, but I- It truly was an experience. My god.

C: Yeah. That literally is his best friend. And okay, I mean, Grey already knows this, but I have a whole fucking thing about the phrase "best friend" where I'm like, "It's not the friend that you have that you like the most. People can have tons of friends and ones that they like the most, and they don't have a best friend. It's a different kind of title. It's a new relationship type." And like, yeah, yeah. That is very true here. I just- I love thinking about their friendship, because, like in the book, the way that their friendship is introduced, right? So, first, Crowley thinks about Aziraphale, and about whether or not he should tell him about the Antichrist. And it goes “Aziraphale. The Enemy, of course. But an enemy for six thousand years now, which made him a sort of friend." And then, like, two pages later, when Aziraphale's thinking about Crowley, it goes, "On the whole, neither he nor Crowley would have chosen each other's company, but they were both men, or at least men-shaped creatures, of the world, and the Arrangement had worked to their advantage all this time. Besides, you grew accustomed to the only other face that had been around more or less consistently for six millennia." And like, I feel like, at first glance, you're like, "Oh, that's not a lot. Like, do they even like each other?" etc, etc. But then, like, you get to like, the drunk bookshop scene right? And they're like, being very vulnerable by like, being drunk around each other, and they're like, bickering and talking and like, Crowley knows exactly what Aziraphale’s gonna say about like, the relative hardness of bird beaks and granite. This isn't passion, but like, it's more than passion. It's familiarity, and like, it is love. Like, I don't think that they were like, made for each other like. There's a bit of something cosmic about like, them being the serpent of Eden and the cherub guarding the Eastern Gate, but like, they could definitely still, like, been like, archenemies, are just not given a shit about each other, like, not even seen each other this whole time, like Gabriel thinks that they did. But like, they deliberately seek each other out because they're like, "I do think that he's going to understand me more than anyone else will," and like, Michael and Ligur have an alliance, and they're not in love, and they're not friends. Like, it is about- I don't know. I feel like relationships are primarily about always having something to talk about, and they're very good at having conversations with each other-

G: God.

C: - and like, because their sort of conversation dynamic has been established from like, the very beginning, but like, over time, like, they've like, grew into it more. They know better and better how to talk to each other. It's not like they're the only ones for each other, because, like, I feel like if they had at the very beginning decided that there was like, a demon in Hell, or like, an angel in Heaven, that they wanted to hang out more with and tell about Earth, and like blah blah blah blah, someone who's not like, their immediate supervisor, like, they could do that and they could call on the telephone and all that shit, but like, no, they like, chose to keep meeting with each other, and they chose to develop a rapport, and they're best friends because they chose to be, not because they just can't help it or whatever. And they're in love!

G: Yeah. I think, you know, I've mentioned it earlier, and also all episodes of Supernatural [both laugh] that we have podcasted about. But like, I do find the concept of free will to be like, one of the most interesting things to talk about in media and such. And like, you're right, like, the thing about them is there is like, even in a story where it's like, "Oh, this is how things are supposed to go," blah blah blah, there is like, so much like, free will in their story. And a part of it is because of how I conceptualize the flashback scenes, which is that it's not even like, important to God and blah blah blah, and like, this is not part of the bigger plan. But also, it's just that- I mean, I say this a lot as a joke, but like, they don't need to do that. [C laughs] And it's true, like, they really don't.

C: Yeah, every time Crowley sees Aziraphale from across the room and then chooses to go up and talk to him, like, that's a choice. Crowley could have just like, transformed or slunk off, or whatever.

G: Yeah. And, I don't know. I think it's such a wonderful thing.

C: What if love was real but not within your reach yet? Alright. So Crowley laughs triumphantly about trapping Hastur, and then runs out of the apartment.

G: Off to...

C: Well, we don't know yet.

G: We'll figure out next episode. [both laugh]

G: We go to 28 minutes later- no no no, earlier - and it's Aziraphale right after Crowley, like, goes, "I'm never even thinking about you anymore when I'm off in the stars!" thing. And it's Michael and Uriel and Sandalphon on the street.

C: He basically backs himself against the wall as soon as he sees them.

G: Yeah the first intention was to like, get out of the way where people are actually walking in, but like, it eventually ends up being like, "Oh, he's cornered. He's fucking cornered." And they call him a fallen angel.

C: Which is great. After Michael's whole, like, "Of course you can trust me. I'm an angel." I love the idea that it's just like, "You can't be an angel and do something bad that we disagree with. If you do something we disagree with, that means that you're partway down to being a demon."

G: You have Fallen, yeah. And they say, "You've been consorting with the enemy," which, of course, Aziraphale denies. Was it Uriel who said, "Don't think your boyfriend-"

C: [laughs] Yeah, it's Uriel.

G: Yeah, "Don't think your boyfriend in the dark glasses will get you special treatment in Hell," which I think you mentioned it last episode -

C: Honestly, I think the first time I mentioned it was during my fucking Ko-Fi rant about Good Omens. I feel like I was just saying shit all the time, and I think I really mentioned this line of as being like something that I strongly use as the example of queerbait in this show, just because of how much it sounds like Supernatural's "You must have me mistaken for the other angel. You know, the one in a dirty trench coat who's in love with you?"

G: Very much so. Well, what I was going to say is the whole like, special treatment in Hell thing, you mentioned last episode that they had this discussion in the book where they go-

C: "Think your side will give me asylum?" "I was just about to ask you the same thing." Yeah. [laughs] They have way fewer hangups in the book than they have in the show.

G: They tell Aziraphale that it's time to choose sides. And Aziraphale actually says a very, you know, interesting thing here, which is that the whole choosing sides thing is - He says, like, "Obviously, there has to be two sides because people have to choose and should choose and should be able to make a choice" and all that. He says, "That's what being human means. Choices. But that's for them. For us, like, our job should be keeping everything working so that they can continue to make those choices."

C: Yeah. And the fact that he says, like, "Obviously, there have to be two sides," like, there's also implicit in that, "So like, we can't destroy the other one," which is nice.

G: Yeah. [laughs] He gets punched in the abdomen for that.

C: Yeah. Sorry, babe.

G: It was Sandalphon who punches him, right? And then he gets propped up on the wall by Michael.

C: By Uriel.

G: Oh, is it Uriel? I don't know. He goes like, "Well, you shouldn't do this! We're the good guys! I'm going to take this up to a... higher authority." And, you know, they're all like, "Ha! That's ridiculous, whatever."

C: What does he think they're gonna do to him?

G: I don't know. 'Cause the "You mustn't" was like, "You musn't what?" Are they gonna do something to him? And then I thought about it some more, and it's like, "Is he saying you mustn't start the Apocalypse?" I really don't know. Are they gonna discorporate him? Are they going to kill him? I don't know.

C: Yeah, I don't know. Like, I mean, what with the "You've been a fallen angel" and "Don't think your boyfriend's gonna get you special treatment in Hell-"

G: Ooh.

C: I don't know how the process of Falling works, were they- like, if it can be enacted by an angel-

G: Are they threatening it? Yeah!

C: - are they trying to Fall him?

G: That's crazy. They may. They might have been.

C: Yeah. Maybe so! I mean, seems a bad strategy. Like, you're just adding a soldier to the other side, but.

G: Anyway, the horn blares, and Apocalypse is starting, so the three angels get like- I don't know. They go to Heaven or whatever. And Aziraphale, just looking up, just goes, "You-! You-!" and then he scrunches his face really hard, and he goes, "Bad angels!" Oh my god.

C: Yess! I love him. I just- I love that like, "bad angels" is clearly like, he's trying not to swear so like, he just says something that lands kind of flat. But, like, I think that- Like, he was, gonna say, like, "bastards," or whatever, right? But like, "bad angels" is actually a lot more interesting because it's like, beforehand, he would not even say out loud that it was possible to be a bad angel.

G: For angels to be bad!

C: That angels could be bad. So like, that's great. I love him for getting there. Like, yeah. Bad angels isn't an oxymoron. Go fucking say that to the sky.

G: And also like, the whole, this thing- because the vibe really is like, "He was gonna curse them out, but like, he couldn't or he didn't." So later, when the curse does happen, it's like, so, so, so, so, so much more funnier.

C: Yeah. Fun fact, stage direction says, “And Aziraphale swears for the first time in 6000 years.” [G laugh/wails]

G: I wuv him soo much! Also, I think, you know, we talk about Crowley a lot, whatever. [C laughs] Like, 'cause I feel like Crowley is more of a graspable like, fondness. But like, I cannot describe the joy I feel when I'm watching Aziraphale. Like, it's like every time he's on screen, I'm going, "Ah!!! Hi! Hello!" You know what I mean? It's like, it's not something I can podcast about. It's just, you'll know it when you see it, and you will see it if you watch.

C: Yeah, it's just the words "biting him biting him biting him" over and over again. Yeah, I do think I get a cute aggression response to a lot of Michael Sheen's acting choices.

G: He is truly soo. I wuv him.

C: Yeah. We return to Tadfield. and there's a lot of shit going on. So first, with Adam, he's saying to the Them who he's like, forced to sit there in front of him - he's also like, starting a whole storm, like, wind is whipping up. And he's saying that he wants all the nuclear bombs to go off so that everything could start again, be sorted all out, etc etc, delete Ecosia. And Pepper has like, a line that's like, "People get killed. Speaking as a mother of unborn generations, I'm against it." Which is fine. I just wish that Neil Gaiman- I feel like every time he writes a woman, he's always thinking about how they're a woman. You know what I mean?

G: Yeah. Yeah.

C: I mean, it's better than in the book, at least, with Pepper. And Adam is not listening, and he starts getting into really fun creepy territory where he's like, "We can play war games with real armies." Wensley says that "There won't be any people. They'll all be dead," and Adam goes, "Oh, I can make us some new people." And then he says he's gonna make them new parents as well. Very fun. And he has friends coming soon. "You'll like them. They're a lot like you. It's going to be wicked." And then he starts floating.

G: When he said that "they're a lot like you," I did go like, "Huh! Is there like, a one-to-one correlation? Who is who?" I don't think I successfully aligned them, but it was an interesting mental exercise.

C: Oh wait, you should guess. Go for it.

G: Well, Adam is definitely Death, for sure. Would Brian be War because he was the one who was like, "Oh, Adam is weird" and it started the trip, or whatever. Is this actually something that is- like, is there like, a-

C: Yeah. So we’ll see how your guesses go in two episodes.

G: Oh! Interesting. I don't know. I don't know. So like, is it gonna be like, "The kid who is assigned Famine or whatever is going to kill Famine, and then the one who's assigned-" blah blah blah blah?

C: You'll just have to see

G: Fine. [C laughs] It's not even a spoiler for anything. Like, I mean, [laughing] it's not a spoiler I care about. You can literally spoil me for all the things that are not about Crowley and Aziraphale.

C: Yeah. Okay, so Newt and Anathema are talking, and they're like, "I don't know how to get Adam to stop," blah blah blah, and then they go outside to go to his house, and the tornado hits them. And they are gonna get blown away unless they like, hang on to the door frame together. And Anathema says that the prophecies say that they'll have a minute of respite when they can get inside and find cover, but then the wind's gonna get even worse, so they cannot go to Adam's. So they run in, they get under the bed, and then- [angry sounds] Well. Newt asks what Agnes said they should do next. And Agnes says, "Let the wheel of fate turn. Let hearts enjoin. There are other fires than mine. When the whirlwind whirls, reach out to one another."

G: Boo! I mean, we just talked extensively about how Aziraphale and Crowley are like, driven by personal choice and blah blah blah. And now...

C: And this sucks. And Newt has his stupid, dumb fucking like, "It's my time to talk!" like, thing.

G: I hope they die so fucking much.

C: Which, if anyone, Anathema should get to have some depth about knowing how like, the world was gonna end the whole time, and like, how she was specifically named so she could stop it, and how she feels so useless, and how like, these prophecies have been weighing on her, and also how like, since she was 8, she had to memorize a prophecy that said that she was gonna fuck some guy at age 19 and like, maybe that prevented her from really coming into her own as an aromantic lesbian, which I know in my heart she is. Like, maybe she hasn't even like, done any relationships or whatever 'cause she knew, first, that the world was maybe gonna end when she was 19, and secondly, that she would like, have this guy picked out for her by her fucking great great whatever grandma, who like, reinvented the term comphet. But no! We just have Newt going like, [whiny voice] "Oh, I'm so sad, 'cause I never did anything when I was alive! I never had Thai food!" Like, yeah, you are missing out. I wish that you would die before you got that joy, though.

G: I mean, they killed Ligur. They killed Ligur and his adorable little chameleon. [both laugh] Like, they need to kill Newt. [laughing]

C: Yeah, this is just what equality is about. [G laughs] So yeah, right, and he's like, "And I've never-" and Anathema is like, "Kissed a girl?" And then they start making out.

G: I want to kill him!

C: It's just the most corny- just- agh! It's like, "Sk8er Boi" isn't even this bad. And okay, I do wanna acknowledge that Newt is also in some ways a victim of this prophecy, 'cause, like, he also heard what it was before they did this-

G: Yeah, true.

C: - but, like, he definitely doesn't feel as bound to it as Anathema does. Annoying as shit. Just horrible, evil, the worst.

G: I hate him. I'm so sorry, but like, god, he's unbearable.

C: And like, they waste like, a really nice, like, transition on this.

G: Yeah!

C: You know what I mean? Like, it's very cool what the camera and the CGI team does after this, which is, we go up, we go above the bed, we see all the like, papers that Anathema's put up, like, flying around and landing on the bed in piles, and then it zooms out through the roof of her cottage and then out farther and farther until we're like, seeing all of Tadfield, or like, all of the UK. Who knows? I can't tell. And then it fades like, perfectly into the map that Shadwell has on his wall. And it looks really cool, and it took a lot of work, and you spent all that time on this! [G laughs] God.

G: God! I'm sorry. I should stop being a hater.

C: No. This is a thing to hate.

G: No? Okay.

C: So Shadwell’s looking at the map, and there's like, this pin that's on Jasmine Cottage that like, flies off, and then when he puts it back on, it starts smoking. So something is up. Madame Tracy comes in with a cup of tea for him. We've already talked about hating this relationship dynamic. Would like to reiterate that I hate this relationship dynamic. Shadwell's finally having his moment of remorse where he's like, "Oh my god! I shouldn't have sent Newt out alone. He's just a kid. What's happening?" And Madame Tracy offers him money to take the train to Tadfield, but he won't take it because he's a misogynist. Meanwhile, Newt and Anathema, Newt's like, "Shouldn't we have dinner or something first?" And she goes, "There's no time." They go back to making out. Shadwell decides that, hey, okay, Madame Tracy says that he should maybe ask one of the men who's called him, and he's like, "Well, I can't ask Crowley because he's Mafia. But the Southern pansy in the bookshop might be a soft touch." And then we have, like, you know, like, a comic whatever thing where he's like. "Oh my god, I bet Newt is suffering so much. I have no clue what he's going through," and then it's like, goofy-ass PG sex scene of like, Newt's head appearing under the bed as he like, gasps, and then Anathema's appearing out as she gasps, and blah blah blah blah blah. I just- Aziraphale and Crowley must do this. We have to have it. [G laughs] If I have to see this happen, I need the most Looney Tunes-ass Air Conditioning sex scene ever.

G: They need to do the the bedpost shot where it's like [laughs], four fingers. "Four fingers" - the four hands one. You know what's so funny? Like, for some reason, every time I watched that scene, my brain was always like, "Where's the next hand?" [both laugh] Like, I always think to myself, "It will be so funny if there's just a fifth hand in there," but, you know, it never happens. They never do it [both laughing] in my three watches of this episode.

C: Yeah, no, that would definitely be peak comedy.

G: God, they just need to have a fifth hand in here.

C: Yeah, yeah. Blah blah blah! They're having sex. Ugh. If we had to see this, I neeed Season 3 to do something even goofier for Aziraphale and Crowley. I mean, they don't have to. But like, they ought to. I think- Okay, in some ways it would be a shitty move, because Neil Gaiman spent four years telling all his ace and aro fans who view them as queerplatonic as like, "Oh my god, yes, this could totally be-" I already told you all this, but I just think about it constantly how shitty it is that he spent four years leading on the people who wanted to view them as queerplatonic or like, friends, and then, like, in Season 2, he just was like, "Nope, actually. The whole time when I was like, leading you guys on and calling the people who shipped them crazy, I was writing this in the background the whole time." It would just be a continued thing. 'Cause currently, what his thing on Twitter now is like, going like, "Oh, well, it still doesn't have to be sexual, so like, ace people, don't worry. I'm still with you guys." So it would be a really shitty move if he did something to apply that they weren't ace, though, of course, ace people can have sex, but I feel like a lot of the people are like, "We like that they don't have sex, and that the relationship is still important." This doesn't matter. But whatever. I hate Neil Gaiman so much, [G laughing] and he's mean to- he's just shitty to every single subsection of the queer community that he can, because he wants the gay dollar so fucking bad, and I hope he [bleep].

G: [laughing] I'm going to cut that out.

C: Good, okay, you should.

We finally cut back to Adam, and everyone's begging him to let them go home, and he's like, "No, this is your home, here with me, and you don't have to go home or go to school or do anything you don't want to ever again." And Pepper starts yelling at him to just "Stop it! Stop it! Stop it!" And Adam goes, "Just stop it! Stop it! Stop talking. You all have to stop talking now! Everybody stop talking!" and then he fucking takes their mouths away. In some ways, the effect is not great, because, like, it just looks like there's a blur effect over their mouth. But it's like, a very cool thing.

G: Yeah. And also, I like that they are still obviously making sounds. They just don't have mouths. [both] Crazy!

G: Well, we go back to Aziraphale having a very bad but also quite goofy day, where he closes up his shop and pulls the rug out of the center of the bookshop, and it reveals-

C: A summoning circle!

G: Yep, summoning circle. He lights some candles, etc, sets it all up and goes to pray. And he goes, "This is the principality Aziraphale. I'm looking for a... higher authority?" [laughing] And he's soo- he literally is looking for a higher authority.

C: Yeah. I really love how he feels afraid to say "God" directly, whereas, like, Crowley's prayer was very direct, very calling Her "God" the whole time.

G: I really like when he goes, "Is there anybody there?"

C: Yes!

G: I don't knoww. "Is there anybody there?"! Well, anyway, while this is happening, Shadwell is going up to the shop, and also, it's raining and like, super windy outside. The Tadfield storm is catching up to Soho. Shadwell knocks at the door, and, you know, Aziraphale just goes, "We're closed!" and he keeps on doing the prayer thing. And he goes like, "I want to take this to the top. I need to speak to the Almighty." A being appears in front of him. It's like, a disembodied face. It's Metatron. Aziraphale asks if he's speaking to God, but Metatron is like, "Well, I'm like, you know. To speak to me is to speak to God. I'm the voice of the Almighty."

C: I feel like it really registered with me here that the only time Aziraphale and God have ever spoken, probably, is the flaming sword question. So like, it's been a while. So like, yeah, Aziraphale doesn't really remember what God's voice sounds like, but like, we, as the audience know that it's not Her right away.

G: Aziraphale is super bitchy when he goes, "Well, being the voice of the Almight is like being a spokesperson to the president, in that you are not the president. You are the spokesperson. And I need to speak to God!" And Metatron was like, "Who give a shit. Just tell me about it." And he tells that like, he wants to complain about the other angels, and also, the Antichrist is coming, and he knows who and where he is, so there doesn't need to be any of that nonsense about a third of the seas turning to blood or anything. "We can save everyone!" [C makes pained sound] God. And like, I think an interesting and very nice cinematography choice they make here is that for the entirety of like, the first half of like, Metatron speaking to Aziraphale, it doesn't pan to Metatron at all. It's just on Aziraphale’s face the entire time. So when Metatron goes like, "The point is not to avoid the war, the point is to win it," you can see Aziraphale’s face fall.

C: And it's not exactly that it falls, it's like, he has this hopeful, nervous smile on "We can save everyone," and it's like, that it freezes. And yeah, it's a lot. It's a lot.

G: Yeah, freezes, I guess, is a better way to put it. And Metatron basically goes, "Well, the nuclear warfare is about to happen, so like, you should come on. Join us in Heaven." And Aziraphale is going like, "Oh, I'll just fix up a couple of things. And then I'll be on the way. Jolly good!" [laughs]

C: This is so good. I feel like last time, we were sort of confused about Aziraphale’s arc. I feel like I'm more solid on it now. And it's so great. Like, the whole time, he's like, "Okay, like, I know, they're telling me that this is The Great Plan, but like, surely the real one doesn't involve the world ending, and surely like, someone with higher authority, at least God, who I love and have faith in, like, will care about humanity the way I do." And then, like, he just keeps holding onto that, keeps hoping that that's true, and then, like, this is his final proof that, like, what he was doing and thinking and feeling the whole time was quote-unquote "wrong," and that the closest thing to God he'll ever get to speak to is saying this to him as well. And, like, he like, decides like, "No!" Like, "I am right, despite what everyone has told me. Like, I can no longer put off my decision about what's right and what I should do, and I'm deciding that I can't be a part of this any longer." And then he goes to call Crowley.

G: Yeah! He literally is fucking Benedick-coded for fucking real. [C laughs] Anyway, he does call Crowley, but, you know, Crowley hangs up. And before the very end of- Before the very last scene of the episode, I do want to talk about a little something, which is that, you know, when you talk about theology and stuff like that, there's the very basic idea of "What are the three aspects, the three manifestations or tenets of faith?" right? And the first one is belief and then personal trust, and then praxis. So belief is the rationality of it. It's the "I believe because it is the rational thing to do. I thought about it, and the culmination of my thoughts led me to believing that God is real or whatnot." Personal trust is kind of the emotional aspect of it. It's like, "Well, I believe in this higher order, higher power, because it feels right and like, my heart leads me to this decision." And then there's praxis, which is, "I have faith, because that faith manifests in my life in very real ways, in ways that affect my life and the world." This scene with Metatron is like, one by one removal of every manifestation of faith that Aziraphale has to God in Heaven. Like, he realizes that it's not like, the rational decision anymore to believe in God when God feels so irrational at this point and that he's obviously heartbroken by this revelation and everything. He realizes that the thing that he wants the world to be cannot be achieved if he continues believing and having faith in the Ineffable Plan, in the higher order, and blah blah blah. So he throws that faith away!

C: Yeah.

G: And the very next thing he does is he calls Crowley!! Is anyone else here? [C laughs]

C: Yeah.

G: Literally, he fucking says, like, "I have lost faith in God, and I am transferring that faith into something that is rational to believe in, emotionally right, and will lead me to a life in a world that I want [C makes pained sound] and will be good. And it's the right choice, I hope, I think, I feel."

C: God, okay. Yep. Mm-hm! What a good arc.

G: Yeah!

C: I sure hope Season 2 doesn't throw any of it away. [G laughing]

G: I hope so! Anyway, he does call Crowley, and we see like, a very cute scene where he starts talking immediately after the phone rings, but it's Crowley going, "Hi, this Anthony. You know what to do. Do it with style." And Aziraphale being like, “Well, I know who you are, you idiot! [C laughs] I telephoned you!" which I thought was super cute.

C: It is cute. But I will say that he gets Crowley's voicemail in Episode 2, and there was no confusion about it.

G: I know! I fucking know.

C: It's funny as shit, though.

G: Yeah. It's cute. Crowley hangs up, so wow! And then we go back to Shadwell, who all this time was watching through the mail slot, I think? and saw everything that just happened and has picked the lock and is now inside the bookshop. And he's saying, "You foul fiend! In league with the forces of darkness!"

C: "You monster!"

G: And then he goes, "Seducing women to do your evil will!" [C laughs] It's so funny, because, like, before that, Aziraphale was like, "Oh, Sergeant Shadwell?" and he goes, "You're seducing women," and immediately, Aziraphale goes, "Oh, I think perhaps you've got the wrong shop." [both laughing]

C: He is gay.

G: Like, he wasn't like, "In league with forces of darkness? Foul fiend?" He was like, "What?" And then he goes, "You seduce women," he's like, "Oh, no no no. Not me." [C laughing] God. Shadwell tries to exorcise him with the bell, book, and candle, but, like, you know, it's just a bell on the side of the table and a book and a lighter that he goes, "Might as well be a candle." He starts chanting like, an exorcism spell, and Aziraphale is trying to get him to not step on the circle, because it's, you know, still powered up. And like, the entire time, I was like, "Keep away from the circle, please, please, please," and then he goes, [both] "Don't cross the circle, you stupid man!" Shadwell finally finishes the exorcism spell. Aziraphale realizes that in his attempt to stop Shadwell from crossing the line, he has, in fact, stepped into the circle. And he gets [laughing]- he gets cartoon-character-drifting-towards-pie sent to Heaven. [both laughing]

C: He also says, "Oh, fuck."

G: Yeah, he says, [both] "Oh, fuck!" And then he gets- he literally- like, imagine. Well, it's not the same because his ass is not up, but his ass should have been up is my firm belief.

C: But yeah, a cartoon character floating towards pie, yeah. And he bursts into sparks.

G: And, you know, Shadwell's a bit terrified about this whole thing, because-

C: He think it worked.

G: I mean, I'm positive none of his exorcisms have worked prior. And he's like, a bit scared. He heads out, but as he closes the door, a candle gets toppled over, rolls to the side, sets alight a copy of Sound of Music, and then, we end the episode.

C: Yep. We sure do.

G: Let's do our outros. Well, what do you think about this episode?

C: I mean, it made me crazy clearly, and I love it a lot. I feel like quality-wise, it may be a bit lower than the other ones, but I feel like enjoyment-wise, I was there the whole time.

G: Yes.

C: Or like, I was just so there during Aziraphale and Crowley's moments and some of Adam's moments that it like, outweighed everything else.

G: I think Aziraphale shines this episode. I mean Crowley, too, I guess. But, you know?

C: She does. She does!

G: I am so excited. I find it fascinating because the Apocalypse is happening, and I don't think it's a long affair between now and when the world is just completely destroyed, but-

C: There's two more episodes.

G: We have two episodes left, so I wonder what that's all about. Is it going to be a two-episode apocalypse? Or is it a one-episode Apocalypse and something else happens at the end?

C: Who knows!

G: Well, we'll see, I guess. [both] Gayest moment?

C: I mean, Aziraphale in Portland Place.

G: The gavotte. Yeah. Well, the transest moment.

C: I can't think because I just conjured an image of Crowley in my mind and now I'm just like, looking at her.

G: I literally did, too. I just thought about the "This is Anthony Crowley. You know, what to do. Do it with style."

C: Do it with fucking style, baby! I also think sitting like that in a movie theater is very transgender. Predictions?

G: Oh, yeah! Okay. Well, my predictions are Crowley is gonna run around in Soho towards Aziraphale and then [C laughing] "You're My Best Friend" is going to play in the background.

C: No way! How did you know that?

G: And he's going to watch as the fucking bookstore burns down. It's going to burn down. And like, maybe we'll see him try to save a couple of books, or like, try to, I don't know, wash it up. Whatever. I don't know. Like, what do you call it?

C: Hose it down?

G: Yeah, to host it down. But I think it would be unsuccessful because Crystal told me that they legitimately burned down that set, so.

C: Yeah. How much money went up in the air? My god.

G: I mean, that's going to happen for sure. And then- I have similar predictions. I think they will try to kill Adam still, and Anathema will probably save the kid. And then, you know, I had my other prediction/told to me by the story. And I just was like, "Yeah, the story should keep telling it next episode," which is that there's going to be a one-to-one correlation between the Them and the Horsemen. Yeah, that's it. I would like to see the Horsemen interact with each other. This is not a prediction; ghis is just a wish, I guess. I want them to talk to each other because I think it would be an interesting look into what they think of the other events and like, do they get along? Are they antagonistic to each other? you know. I think that would be interesting. Other than that, I have barely any expectations.

C: Yeah. Well. You're in for some episodes that definitely happen.

Personal ratings out of 10 for this episode.

G: I woudl rate this an 8. I quite liked it.

C: I also feel like it's an 8. It was good. I really like the way that they tied up Aziraphale's arc.

G: Yeah. Oh my god! Literally, what do you do with a faith that doesn't let you live a life- the life that you want?

C: Yeah. Yeah. [sniffles]

G: So important to me. I don't know, like, I don't want to be like-

C: I think you can be Catholic.

C: I don't want to make it personal, you know? I don't wanna make it like-

C: You can. We shared so many anecdotes last week. [G laughs]

G: That's true. I mean, my point is that stories about choosing what to believe in and choosing to interpret the things you believe in differently from other people, and, you know, forging your own path, those are things that are very important to me, and I like to see it here. It's nice.

C: It is nice.

G: [laughing] That's my personal sharing moment. Yeah.

C: I totally forgot about the Tibetans until, like, this moment. I was like, "What a great episode! Why did Danica say it was bad?" Oh, right, there were like, aliens and Tibetans and shit. [both laugh]

G: Oh, yeah. God.

C: That’s it for this week’s episode of Rubbish and Probably a Podcast. Next time, we will be talking about Season 1, Episode 5: “The Doomsday Option.” Leave us a rating or a review wherever you get your podcasts.

G: We interact through our social media sites for our other podcast, Busty Asian Beauties pod. And so you can follow us on Tumblr at bustyasianbeautiespod.tumblr.com and email us at [email protected].

C: Thanks to everyone who’s donated to our Ko-Fi at ko-fi.com/bustyasianbeautiespod! See you guys next time! [both] Bye!

[theme song]

[beep]

C: And you finally watched his Much Ado About Nothing. I'm kind of sad that this is the first Much Ado About Nothing that you watched because now you're gonna think things like being not funny are revolutionary in the world of Much Ado About Nothing adaptations, when, in fact, this is like, a special one for being extra funny.

G: Well, no. I mean, I've told you that the rendition and intentionality that I like the most is from the 1984 one. And I stand by that. I think it's wonderful. Especially the scene with Beatrice, you know, they hoist her up and down, and it's like, I feel like it takes away a little bit on, like, the intention of the scene, which is that she's hearing that, you know, her cousin thinks she's too prideful to entertain Benedick.

C: But she got to float in the air, and like, try to swim towards Hero to punch her in the face about it!

G: I mean- No! But she- Yeah. [laughs] Not gonna reaction to it. [C laughs]

C: I think that the original script doesn't give Beatrice a lot to work with in like, the moment that you'd think she deserves the most like, lines and facetime.

G: That's true.

C: And I think that having Catherine Tate be involved in physical comedy throughout that is a way to keep-

G: You entertained, yeah.

C: - the audience's eyes on Beatrice, and like, let you see her face journey throughout in a way that her eventual speech about taming her wild heart to his loving hand, like, does not convince you on its own that, like, she would actually fucking say that.

G: Yeah. But, I mean, it's such a wonderful production, but like, I don't know. [laughs] Yeah. That's my take. I think we should get on with those Good Omens. I don't like the way they do the confession scene, I suppose. I'd say that.

C: I feel like I could understand that, but I also think that the actors can pull off the like, adrenaline, what's even happening, blah blah blah.

G: Of course. Of fucking course. Yeah. Like, when it stops and she goes, "Kill Claudio," and then, like, the entire room and audience and Benedick goes completely silent, it's like, "Ooh." Like, you know, it works. It's just not the way I would prefer it if this is story playing out in my head instead.

C: Yeah, yeah. That's fair.

G: Why are you taking this scene?

C: What?

G: Why are you taking this scene?

C: Oh, I think I just considered this to be- Oh, wait! Nevermind, you're right. Shit! Sorry! [G laughing] I forgot what color I had. This is so awful. Okay, I'll go back to the-

G: We should have stuck with the yellow and red, I've been telling you! [C laughing]

C: Sorry! Sowwy. Okay, I'll go back. I'll go back. I'll go back. Okay, okay, okay.

[beep]

G: Crystal, [laughing] you've never been to a club.

C: Okay, fine. [both laughing] You know what? Yeah. You know what? That's true. Maybe that's not how people dance at a club at all. I've seen scenes and movies. That's what I've seen. And TV shows. Those are my two sources.

G: True. That's true.

C: Fine. Have you- you've been to a club-like environment, right?

G: Yeah, I've been out dancing, yeah.

C: How do people dance at clubs?

G: Not in any way that I like to participate in.

C: Is it the grinding?

G: No, it's just, it's like, jumping around. Well, I guess I do like the jumping around, but I don't like the ones where you're supposed to dance with people. I'm very much a "I'll just stand here and also dance."

C: Yeah. It's "I don't know you!" Yeah.

G: What do you mean? You don't know me?

C: No no no, I mean-

G: "I don't know the people," okay okay.

C: - in a situation where you're expected to just find someone and dance with them, it's like, "I do know you. And if I do know you, like, I don't know you like that."

G: But, you know what? I do dream of days where I will meet my discotheque Juliet teenage dream [C laughs] on the dance floor.

C: And maybe one day you will. Thinking about the final dance scene in Much Ado About Nothing now. God.

G: God!

C: God.

G: Anyway.

C: Anyway, so…

#transcript #rubbishpod

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