#it's about the lesbian with the complex feelings towards her father figure who also happens to be a murderer

[yeonjnz]

* ABIGAIL HOBBS (HANNIBAL) / AMANDA YOUNG (SAW)

[madam-melon-meow]

Bisexual Kyoshi is something that can be so personal, actually

Panel edit by @flagellasturbation

[image I.D. : An edit of a comic panel of avatar Kyoshi. On the left in the image is a close-up of Kyoshi from the torso up, contained within an upside-down trapezoid shape. She wears her full battle uniform of olive and emerald robes, dark gloves and bracers, and a golden headpiece in a fan-like shape. Her eyes are the same emerald shade as her robes, she has black hair billowing to the left edge of the image, and her black eyebrows have been dramatically lengthened by black face paint. Her face and neck are artificially whitened with chalky makeup, she has black winged eyeliner, red eyeshadow that sweeps upwards to her temples and down the sides of her nose, and red lipstick outlined in black. This is the classic Kyoshi makeup. Her arms are crossed, the left arm behind her head pointing a golden fan away from the viewer, the right arm extended in front of her face, another golden fan pointed towards the viewer. She appears to be looking upwards and towards the right of the image. Above Kyoshi’s eye level and in the top right of the image is a comic text box. It reads in all caps: “even avatar Kyoshi- who by all accounts loved men and women- was unable to effect any kind of real progress.” The background art and color has been replaced with the Bisexual Flag, a thick horizontal line of pink on top, stopping at Kyoshi’s cheek level, then a thinner line of purple ending at her shoulders, and a thick line of blue that extends to the bottom of the image. End I.D.]

(If someone does not find my image I.D. sufficient, please let me know. This is my first time trying to make such a thing, as i am a lurker, not a poster)

Rise of Kyoshi by F.C. Yee, page 99 (text copy / pasted from the b&n ebook version)

““Are those . . . fire lilies?” he said, a wide, knowing grin spreading across his face.

Kyoshi flushed beet red. “Stop it,” she said.

“That’s right,” Yun said. “The Ember Island tourism minister brought a bunch when he visited two weeks ago. I can’t believe you simply shred the flowers once they dry out. I guess nothing goes to waste in this house.”

“Knock it off,” Kyoshi snapped. But it was too hard keeping the corners of her lips from curling upward.

“Knock what off?” he said, enjoying her reaction. “I’m just commenting on a fragrance I’ve come to particularly enjoy.”

It was an inside reference that only the two of them shared. Rangi didn’t know. She hadn’t been there in the gifting room eight months ago while Kyoshi arranged a vast quantity of fire lilies sent by an admiral in the Fire Navy, one of Hei-Ran’s friends.

Yun had spent the afternoon watching Kyoshi work. Against every scrap of her better judgment, she’d allowed him to lie down on the floor and rest his head in her lap while she plucked deformed leaves and trimmed stems to the right length. Had anyone caught the two of them like that, there would have been a scandal that not even the Avatar could have recovered from.

That day, entranced by Yun’s upside-down features dappled with the flower petals she’d teasingly sprinkled over his face, she’d almost leaned down and kissed him. And he knew it. Because he’d almost reached up and kissed her.

They never spoke of it afterward, the shared impulse that had nearly crashed both of their carriages. It was too . . . well, they each had their duties was a good way to put it. That moment did not fit anywhere among their responsibilities.

But since then, whenever the two of them were in the presence of fire lilies, Yun’s eyes would dart toward the flowers repeatedly until he was sure Kyoshi noticed. She would try unsuccessfully to keep a straight face, the heat coloring her neck, and he’d sigh as if to mourn what could have been.

Today was no different. With a wistful blush on his own cheeks, Yun stared her down until her defenses broke and she let out a giggle through her nose.

“There’s that beautiful smile,” he said. He pressed his heels into the floor, sliding up against the wall, and straightened his rumpled shirt. “Kyoshi, trust me when I say this: If it turns out not to be me, I’ll be glad it’s you.”

~~~~~~~~~

Rise of Kyoshi by F.C. Yee, page 210 (text copy / pasted from the b&n ebook version)

“You think you don’t deserve peace and happiness and good things, but you do!” Rangi yelled. “You, Kyoshi! Not the Avatar, but you!”

She closed the distance and wrapped her arms around Kyoshi’s waist. The embrace was a clever way to hide her face.

“Do you have any idea how painful it’s been for me to follow you on this journey where you’re so determined to punish yourself?” she said. “Watching you treat yourself like an empty vessel for revenge, when I’ve known you since you were a servant girl who couldn’t bend a pebble? The Avatar can be reborn. But you can’t, Kyoshi. I don’t want to give you up to the next generation. I couldn’t bear to lose you.”

Kyoshi realized she’d had it all wrong. Rangi was a true believer. But her greatest faith had been for her friends, not her assignment. She pulled Rangi in closer. She thought she heard a slight, contented sigh come from the other girl.

“I wish I could give you your due,” Rangi muttered after some time had passed. “The wisest teachers. Armies to defend you. A palace to live in.”

Kyoshi raised an eyebrow. “The Avatar gets a palace?”

“No, but you deserve one.”

“I don’t need it,” Kyoshi said. She smiled into Rangi’s hair, the soft strands caressing her lips. “And I don’t need an army. I have you.”

Psh,” Rangi scoffed. “A lot of good I’ve been so far. If I were better at my job you would never feel scared. Only loved. Adored by all.”

Kyoshi gently nudged Rangi’s chin upward. She could no more prevent herself from doing this than she could keep from breathing, living, fearing.

“I do feel loved,” she declared.

Rangi’s beautiful face shone in reflection. Kyoshi leaned in and kissed her.

A warm glow mapped Kyoshi’s veins. Eternity distilled in a single brush of skin. She thought she would never be more alive than now.

And then—

The shock of hands pushing her away. Kyoshi snapped out of her trance, aghast.

Rangi had flinched at the contact. Repelled her. Viscerally, reflexively.

Oh no. Oh no.

This couldn’t—not after everything they’d been through—this couldn’t be how it—

Kyoshi shut her eyes until they hurt. She wanted to shrink until she vanished within the cracks of the earth. She wanted to become dust and blow away in the wind.

But the sound of laughter pulled her back. Rangi was coughing, drowning herself with her own tears and mirth. She caught her breath and retook Kyoshi by the hips, turning to the side, offering up the smooth, unblemished skin of her throat.

“That side of my face is busted up, stupid,” she whispered in the darkness. “Kiss me where I’m not hurt.”

~~~~~

I include both these quotes because i've seen a few posts about the “gigantic lesbian” avatar, and although i am glad my sapphic sisters feel connected to Kyoshi (as well they should!), that doesn't mean i wish to simply be quiet on the matter of her textual bisexuality. I understand that not everyone has read her novels, nor has everyone read legend of Korra comics, but Kyoshi is *textually* bisexual.

Kyoshi had a loving romantic relationship with her firebending friend Rangi, but this does not erase her feelings for her earthbending friend Yun, even if neither of them were able to properly express it due to their respective “status”. (For context if you haven’t read, the masters believed that Yun was the avatar, and though he was bodyguarded by Rangi, and though Kyoshi was his servent, the three of them were simiar ages and thus close friends until the discovery of Kyoshi’s true ability destroyed their former lives). Hell, Kyoshi and Rangi do not become intimate until after fleeing their former lives. Who is to say what would have happened, had Yun not been captured by father glowworm ?

I know that there is a chance you will scoff at this, will write this off as comphet, accuse me of disproportionately weighting an almost-kiss with a true relationship, but these above quotes (as well as the comic panel from “the legend of korra: turf wars- part 1”) serve as proof that Kyoshi, “by all accounts loved men and women” (see panel directly below)

[image I.D. : the same comic panel as the edit above, this one without the bisexual flag edited in. Directly behind Kyoshi, within the upside-down trapezoid shape, is an olive to lime gradient, darker around her head and lighter near the bottom. Around and to the right in the image, outside of the trapezoid, is an aerial shot of buildings within an Earth Kingdom city, and what appears to be the lines of troops on the ground far below. the text box in the image is the same, but I have underlined the word “men” in blue, the word “and” in purple, and the word “women” in pink, to reflect the bisexual flag. End I.D.]

I am making such a big deal over this because Kyoshi is a massive figure, her long shadow cast over Aang’s life alongside Roku’s, and even before her novels came out there were often jokes about her “bloodthirsty” nature. I implore you to read the novels and see why Kyoshi believed in deadly justice at times, but also so you can see what a dynamic, loving, and beautiful character she is.

Some members of fandom have taken a “step on me” attitude towards Kyoshi, who has, even if the 7 feet tall thing is more fanon than canon, been explicitly described as “exceptionally tall”, and “towering” over others. This “strong woman who will break me and I thank them” attitude is one that butch &/or physically imposing sapphics, as well as trans women with similar statures to Kyoshi have expressed discomfort when applied to themselves and characters like them. I would love for more people to acknowledge her flaws and multi-faceted nature, that she is more than a “warrior goddess”, just as Aang is more than a living relic. Flattening her out to the easily-fetishable parts erases the depth of her character and the complexity of circumstances that led to the instances of deadly force.

There are very few bisexual characters in media, especially women, and especially in children’s media. Bisexual women have often been caricatured as loose, promiscuous, good for a threesome and not much else. (This is mot to say that i think any lesser of my fellow bisexuals who are proudly promiscious, nor can an actual live bisexual person be considered a stereotype for living their life, but media’s portayal of us as obsessed with desire is incredibly harmful). Knowing that a strong, beautiful, and important character in the avatar universe is a bisexual woman is amazing, even more so to have her first lady-love described in the novels with such care. F. C. Yee, the author of these novels, has my eternal gratitude. I sincerely hope that the new generation of fans, whether they are drawn to the cartoon or even the hypothetical live action show, will pick up these novels and discover the kind of bisexual character that I wish existed in my early days as a reader, and if a small fraction of them resonate with Kyoshi’s reciprocal on Yun and love for Rangi, then the world becomes a little bit brighter for it.

I mentioned her importance for the simple reason that Kyoshi IS important with the text of ATLA. As one of the avatars, she is one of the most historically important figures in that universe, one of the few avatars that Aang knows by name, and one of the only avatars to speak through his body. The fact that she has two whole novels to herself testifies to that effect, making her bisexual representation all the more important than a simple background character might be. 

If or when the ATLA live action tv show occurs, we can expect some mention of Kyoshi. After all, there is a whole episode dedicated to exploring one of her missions, and the way that the descendants of her enemy have recolored history. It is my sincere desire that enough discussion is made about her canon bisexuality , that fandom trumphets it from the roof with as much force as crackshipping zukka, that when she does make it to the screen, there is some subtle nod in her bisexuality’s direction, even if it is something as meta as casting a bisexual actress for her. Thank you for taking the time to read this.

edit by @flagellasturbation​

[image I.D. : An edit of a comic panel of avatar Kyoshi. This is like the first image, Kyoshi and the text box of the comic panel untouched, the background color and art replaced with the bisexual flag. However, this version has the words “by all accounts” blown up large and placed diagonally in the image, directly under Kyoshi’s face and stretching from one side of the image to the other. The bottom third of the image is similarly obscured, the words  “men” , “and” , “women” blown up large enough to fill the panel and cover most of Kyoshi’s torso, as well as the purple and blue areas of the background flag. End I.D.]

[flyandfamousblackgirls]

6 Things Intersex Folks Need to Know About How We Perpetuate Anti-Black Racism

1. The Segregation in Our Intersex Movement Is Real

The intersex movement has been mostly white since day one. Consequently, it’s necessary to ask ourselves if we’ve inadvertently created an atmosphere that urges Black intersex people to put aside their Blackness — and the oppression linked to it — in order to focus on our collective goals.

In creating this type of environment, it appears our community hasn’t yet been able to connect the dots between Black and intersex people’s oppression — which Saifa reminded me are both rooted in state violence — and our liberation.

Black intersex folks who’ve lived in isolation and have dealt with segregation in their daily lives shouldn’t have to contend with similar experiences once they’ve finally found, and entered our community.

I’m not talking about highly visible institutionalized segregation like the Jim Crow era when Saifa’s uncle, who was also intersex, was forced to sleep outside on the porch of his hospital after a surgery.

I’m talking about the low-key, harder to detect, segregation.

The kind that just takes for granted that the majority of people in the room will always be white. The type that may have a few Black and Brown faces sprinkled here and there, but on a vanilla frosted cake. Is there a path forward?

Sean Saifa Wall, a Black trans intersex activist and collage artist based in Atlanta, reflected on this question by looking back on his time spent as the former board president of an intersex non-profit. Saifa captured why increasing representation shouldn’t be the endgame.

“I think I made the mistake of thinking we need more people of color… but what does institutionalized white supremacy do? It brings in Black or Brown faces who won’t challenge white supremacy — and that’s how white supremacy perpetuates itself. You don’t need white folks to perpetuate it, you just need folks who are invested in white supremacy.”

When I was younger and mistakenly believing that whiteness was the norm to strive towards, I ended up internalizing racist ideologies and, as a result, never fully connected on a truly deep BFF level with my Black friends. Perhaps our movement, and its longstanding quest for acceptance, has created a similar divide.

The global intersex activist network consists, to my knowledge, of less than only 5 Black intersex activists. One of them is Saifa.

2. One’s Race and Intersex Identity Overlap

Born amidst racist flames that attempted to level his neighborhood, Saifa was brought up whilst his borough, The Bronx, was attempting to rebuild itself.

“When I was younger,” Saifa recounted, “I realized I had a different body. Then, due to interactions with NYPD, I was made to know that I was different in another way as well.”

As he got older, Saifa came out as queer, intersex, and trans to a mother — and a world — who wasn’t always ready or eager to respect his intersecting identities. Regardless, his Blackness, sexuality, and intersex identity were always interwoven.

“I cannot separate my intersex identity from my Black identity,” Saifa said. And he shouldn’t have to.

Unfortunately, I’m afraid our community hasn’t figured out ways yet to allow people to show up as their whole selves.

For instance, on the international level, it’s become a known issue that intersex activists from African countries don’t get similar amounts of representation, or speaking time at gatherings. And nationally, our support group meetings rarely, if ever, have been led by Black intersex folks or had sessions dedicated solely for Black intersex community members to come together.

It’s only in the past few years that single Black folks are sitting on boards, or in staff positions of our organizations. There’s also never been, to my knowledge, any Black clinicians present at our Continuing Medical Education (CME) sessions that happen before our support group conferences each year.

Race, especially as it relates to anti-blackness, feels as though it’s at times an elephant in the room.

For me, this elephant peeped its head out when I realized it had become a tradition for one of our non-Black community members, who I love and cherish dearly, to sing Macy Gray’s “I Try” — in Gray’s uniquely raspy voice — at the annual talent show, which is supposed to provide a fun contrast to the rest of the conference.

The audience, if it’s a diverse year, might have a handful of Black folks. This year, there was only one person. I can’t imagine how isolating that experience might have been for them.

And this bring me back to the story I shared at the beginning, about the person who had Obama on a hit list.

Often, racism perpetuates itself by wearing the mask of a “joke” or “fun,” but racism is never a joke and the mask just presents one more hurdle in calling racism out.

It’s time us non-Black intersex people become more aware of our whiteness problem.

We need to keep having difficult conversations about race and oppression every step of the way.

Most importantly, we need to show up the few Black intersex people we do have in our small community, and check in with them to see if there’s anything else we could be doing to have their back.

We can challenge white supremacy in our movement just by asking Black intersex folks in our community what they need to feel safer in our collective spaces.

For our movement to be successful, it’s imperative that Black intersex folks feels they can participate as whole persons.

3. We’ve All Been Dehumanized

The list of atrocities against people of color, especially Black folks, carried out by the medical industrial complex and other agents includes: “the father of gynecology” using enslaved Black people as surgical research subjects, being disproportionately targeted by the US’s eugenic sterilization program that served as a catalyst for Nazi Germany’s and today’s “population control”policies, and the shackling of pregnant women inmates — who are disproportionately Black — in labor delivering children whom they most likely will be immediately separated from.

Likewise, intersex people have been rendered hermaphrodites and featured in freak shows, gawked at as monsters to at on TV, disproportionately put up for adoption, pumped with artificial hormones, robbed of their reproductive organs and genitalia, selectively aborted, raped, and brutally murdered.

Lynnell, a Black intersex lesbian activist, was born intersex but raised male by a single mother in a low-income household. She grew up in Chicago’s mostly Black, hypersegregated, South Side where her family — unlike mine on the North Side — was forced to deal with the effects of the city’s racist public policy and divestment responsible for the destruction of local economies, public schools and affordable housing.

Hyde Park, a pocket of wealth and whiteness on the South Side and home to the University of Chicago (UofC) Hospital, is where Lynnell’s mother took her as a child for doctor appointments.

Lynnell shared memories of that time stating, “My mom wasn’t given the tools she needed to make informed decisions.” As Lynnell grew older, she also “wasn’t taken seriously at first by [her doctors] either.”

Low-income and single mothers of color, labelled unfit by society, experience discrimination. Lynnell’s mother went to U of C seeking care, not charity, for her child. Seeing a golden opportunity, Lynnell’s doctors manipulated her mother’s financial status and turned the situation into a charity case anyway.

“They told my mom they were doing her a favor because they weren’t charging her.” In the doctor’s mind, they were participating in an equal trade with Lynnell and her mother.

To Lynnell, it was torture. “For eight years, every summer, for at least a month, I was put on different drugs, experimented on, given unnecessary procedures and manipulated.”

Exploitation of marginalized people by the MIC for their gains, especially in teaching environments, has been well-documented. Exploitation specific to Black intersex patients has yet to be researched. Lynnell’s doctors, I imagine, took one look at Lynnell’s mother and decided a poor Black woman wasn’t powerful enough stop what they had in store for Lynnell.

“I don’t know many white people that were used as guinea pigs like me,” Lynnell said.

4. Doctor’s Aren’t the Only People Attempting to Erase ‘Difference’

Intersex people are pretty familiar with secrecy, shame and stigma thanks to the pathologization of our bodies. As such, it’s important we have spaces to process our stories with each other. Yet, it’s important to note that as oppressed people, we are still capable of participating in the oppressing others.

The few times I’ve witnessed our community attempt to break down white supremacy and talk about racism, white intersex people successfully shifted the conversation, almost immediately, back to a conversation that centers them and their experience with intersex oppression.

Spaces where intersex people get together and talk are rare, so it makes sense why someone would want to relate and process, but in doing so, we are inadvertently preventing Black intersex folks in our community from expressing their unique experiences.

Saifa recounted a time when he “was trying to bring up the topics of anti-oppression, racism, etc., in the movement and people lost their damn minds. People were like, ‘we cannot hear it.’”

He also shared, “Anti-black racism showed up when I went to South Carolina on behalf of the MC case [a lawsuit involving the parents of a young Black intersex boy and his doctors] and one of the lawyers was condescending, talking down to me as the only Black person in the room. I was constantly pushing back against his patriarchy and racism.”

He continued, “I feel like people don’t care about issues related to anti-black racism in the intersex community.

“I think there’s some intersex people who really see those intersections, who really are affirming of people of color, but for the large part I feel that the level of anti-black racism awareness ranges from hostility to apathy.”

I asked if people ever seemed to care and he replied, “When funding is involved. That’s when people start to care more. Or, when a group wants some representation of diversity—but I found they wanted a Black face, but weren’t necessarily committed to issues around anti-Black racism.”

As a movement, we can’t only focus on these issues when funding dollars are at stake. That tokenizes Black folks.

Instead, we have to stitch anti-Black racism training, and education around white supremacy, into the fabric of our work together.

Saifa pointed out, “In the world, I’m confronted with anti-Blackness, and it’s par for the course, but it’s particularly more devastating when it’s from intersex people. Why? Because I think, ‘Oh, you understand.’

“Or at least I think they understand, until they say or do things that’s really racist and are unapologetic about their racism.”

5. We Need an Intersectional Analysis to Combat Racist Stereotypes

One of the white people present at Lynnell’s first intersex support group meeting recently told her that she was “afraid” of her at first, “because [Lynnell] had on leather and dark sunglasses.”

I asked Lynnell why she entered that support group meeting dressed in leather, sunglasses, and the rest of her leather daddy alter ego outfit. She responded, “Because I was the only Black intersex person there.”

Lynnell shouldn’t have to feel the need to protect herself like that in a room that was supposed to feel like home, a room where she was supposed to be able to let her guard down amongst people with similar experiences.

Unfortunately, this is the type of thing that can happen when a community doesn’t have a firm commitment to operating with an intersectional lens — one that places its most marginalized folks at the center.

Lynnell needed to protect herself at a support group, and in doing so, made a white person feel afraid, circles back to my main point.

We need to place Black intersex folks and their particular needs, struggles and desires at the front and center of our intersex activism.

If we don’t, we risk ostracizing Black intersex folks, again, within spaces meant to be a reprieve from shame and stigma.

6. Confronting White Supremacy Means Confronting Disembodiment

Disembodiment, or feeling detached from your body, often happens as a coping mechanism in response to intense trauma. Intersex activist, Mani Mitchell, once described it as feeling like a “floating head tugging around a body.”

Saifa, someone I admire for their commitment to somatic healing work, believes that white supremacy is rooted in disembodiment “because you have to be disembodied in order to not allow your self to be impacted by the inequity or suffering of others.”

Regardless, Saifa thinks it’s “imperative that white intersex activists feel their feelings regarding any shame they may have as they interrogate white supremacy and its brutal history.”

“It’s only fair that white intersex activists start to acknowledge, as much as their embodiment can hold, the shameful and disgusting emotions that come up after hearing the bitter truth and realities of Black folks and people of color.”

“Doing this work is difficult,” he acknowledged, “and it can bring up things we’d rather not have to face about ourselves.”

Still, non-Black intersex folks need to “confront those feelings and allow themselves to be impacted, then hopefully they can be motivated to action, and allow that empowerment to impact others.”

In taking Saifa’s advice, we can create positive ripple effects throughout our whole community. Doing the work to steer our movement towards becoming an intersectional, anti-racist, intersex movement is a win-win for everyone involved!

[thesocialfables]

If anything could drown out the noisy chatter from a group of frightened and frustrated strippers, it was the sounds of Summer Walker. As the new girl at Heaven's Hideaway, Cameo had yet to find her crowd, although this came as no surprise to her. Put a group of women together, give them something to compete for, and it was high school rules all over again. The prettiest and most popular girls were on the top, with their own select group of equally – but never more – pretty girls to cower around them. Everyone else in-between either kept their heads down or on a swivel.

Back in her high school days, Cameo was in the popular crowd. She was pretty enough to be a majorette for the school's band, with just the right amount of tease to land the captain of the football. She also fucked him in the parking lot outside of prom, while his new girlfriend waited for him inside. But that was mostly a Bianca thing.

As the other girls loudly recanted their own versions of tonight events – and argued over the facts. Cameo put in her wireless Air Pods, turned Summer's sounds up to max volume, and moved around the locker room to prepare to go home for the night. Coming from Armory Homes housing complex, Cameo was used to messy females being the ultimate root of unresolved gunshots. And after the summer she spent working at Neanderthal's Bar and Grill, she was used to her place at the bottom of the pretty pyramid now. One thing she’d probably never get used to, though, was answering to Cameo.

"B-IAN-CA!" Rhapsody startled Cameo as she pulled one of the young girl’s Air Pods from her ear. She had been calling Cameo's name for a moment now; selective hearing was a skill she had far beyond mastered while growing up in The Armory. Embarrassed Cameo, apologized as she continued to pack away her things for the night. "Stop apologizing!" Rhapsody jokingly screamed as she lifted her hands towards Cameo's neck. She didn't know why she said those words practically all the time, and thinking about it only made her want to repeat them again. “What you going home early or something?" Rhapsody continued. With a confused look, Cameo watched as Rhapsody moved towards her locker to pull out her next ensemble for the night.

"They was just shooting." Cameo said to Rhapsody in a hushed tone. She didn't want to hear the room full of women the first time she entered the locker room, and she definitely didn't want to listen to their opinions now. She looked over the group, as they all laughed at her anyway. Even Echo chuckled a little, as she was leaning into the frame of the locker room's door, never too far from Rhapsody's side,

"Girl," Rhapsody spoke as she pulled a pair of fishnet tights over her thick thighs. "When niggas not in here shooting? Shit, they can't help it, they dicks is drunk. They either gone bust a nut or bust a gun." As Rhapsody and the other dancers joked about the type of men that frequent the club, Cameo began to change back into her work clothes and head onto the floor. Since she was still new, she hadn't made it to the main stage yet. Instead, Cameo would walk around the club and gave customers lap dances. Occasionally she would get a private dance, but for the most part, at these hours, they knew who they wanted to see. And they didn't want to waste whatever money they had left on Cameo.

"Hey,” Echo's voice called, just as Cameo went to leave the locker room. "You with us." Cameo went to question what she was talking about, but Echo had already turned and began to walk away, just as Rhapsody squeezed between Cameo and the door to catch up with her friend.

Bringing up the end of the three women, Cameo started to grow cautious. In a place full of women fighting to make the most money in one night as possible, there wasn't much sisterhood in the club. It was every woman for herself as Cameo pretty much stayed out of the way, or at least made sure they stayed out of hers. Aside from Venus, whose job was literally to make nice with all the dancers and keep them happy, Rhapsody was one of the first people to talk to her. Then again, Rhapsody was cool with everybody. Usually, the ones who had something negative to say about her did something to her first.

Echo, on the other hand, was different, and Cameo wasn't sure what she could want. Every girl had a story about Echo fucking them over, with a smile on her face. But Cameo knew better than to let locker room gossip be the deciding factor of her relationship with someone. Be that as it may, because her face was all over the club, Cameo always felt like she was in the presence of royalty when Echo was around.

"Have you ever kissed a girl before?" Rhapsody's voice questioned. Since she didn't look back while she was talking, Cameo figured the two women were speaking amongst themselves. But when the women stopped walking to turn and face her, Cameo knew they were talking to her.

"I thought you said she wasn't deaf." Echo whispered as they awaited Cameo’s answer.

"She's not! Her daddy used to beat them and shit. She hear what she wanna hear." Cameo wanted to correct Rhapsody, but she was the one who shared her past with the woman. It was her step-father. Her biological father was on Fox Island for a triple-homicide after he found out what was going on in her mother's home.

"I have. I'm not lesbian, though." Cameo spoke up.

"You are tonight." Echo plainly stated as she and Rhapsody resumed their pace. "Lesbians are the best customers. They tip extremely well, and since we all got the same parts, they don't grab on your shit like fucking animals."

"And they handle their liquor better."

"That's her opinion."

"No, it's science. I literally just said this! When niggas get the drinking, and they little pee pee get hard. All the blood in they body, that's full of liquor, goes straight to their dick. And boom! They dick drunk." Cameo wanted to laugh, but Echo wasn't.  So instead, she just remained silent before asking,

“Where are we going?" The three women had ventured off to a side of the club Cameo had never been before. As they began to walk up a flight of stairs, Echo explained their escapade.

"The Upper Room. It's for VIP parties and guests. You do good tonight, you can come with us again. It's a separate cover charge for The Upper Room. Tonight me and Rhap with split it, next time we'll cut you in. You can keep your tips, and we'll split whatever ends up on the floor at the end of the night."

As the trio approached a door, Rhapsody turned to look Cameo directly in her eyes to sternly say, "Do not! Pick shit up off that floor."

"Events are usually only two hours long, but since it's almost closing time, we'll be here the rest of the night. Any questions?" Echo finished up, as Cameo just looked on, processing everything she had said.

Just as she went to pass Rhapsody an irritated look, Cameo spoke up, "Do we have to...you know?"

“Not if you don’t want to.” Echo answered while Rhapsody looked at Cameo, a little confused.

“Why you acting funny? You ain’t have no problems putting your mouth on Kendrix for some extra cash.” The look Cameo passed Rhapsody spoke her own frustrations with the woman. On their short walk, this was the second time Rhapsody had revealed personal conversations the two of them had.

As the words cleared Rhapsody's lips, Echo just repeated herself. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Ever.” Before turning to open the door to The Upper Room, she passed Rhapsody an indifferent look. As Echo disappeared inside the private area, alive with conversation and laughter, Cameo pulled Rhapsody back for a second.

“Look, I appreciate everything, Tangie, but I don’t fucking know her like that. And I’d really like it if you didn’t tell any and everybody my personal business.” While Cameo’s tone was stern and steady, Rhapsody couldn’t help but laugh.

“I’m sorry,” She said in-between cackles. “No, seriously, for real.” Since she had yet to stop laughing, Cameo just went to make her money and go home, but Rhapsody stopped her this time, finally done laughing. “E asked me if you were cool, and maybe I did overshare a bit. That’s my bad. I promise I won’t say anything else. We cool? Can we get to this money now?”

Cameo had dealt with enough comedienne ass bitches to know this wouldn’t be the last time. She wanted to turn around and walk away right then, and probably should have, but she wasn’t making no money from begging for lap dances. The guy, Kendrix, was a regular at Heaven’s, and he had paid for a private dance from Cameo. It was her first private dance, and she wasn’t sure what Kendrix was expecting. She had heard the jokes and rumors about the champagne room, and even Venus said, “whatever happens in a private room is between her and God”.

As Cameo danced for him, Kendrix watched her closely. His eyes never left her body as she moved to the music, and he graciously threw money to the rhythm of her hips. She didn’t expect much conversation between the two of them, and she didn’t get it either. Halfway through the dance, he motioned for her to come closer to him. Sitting her frame in his lap, she could feel how hard he was through his jeans. And simply because she was still a woman, she felt herself grow wet as she continued to wind and grind on him, repeating what she had seen in movies. That’s when he asked, “Can I touch you?”

Cameo figured it would be simple, just some light groping on her breast, and that would be it. But Kendrix went straight for the kill, grabbing Bianca’s pussy. Naturally, she jumped up quickly and told him that was off-limits. With a guilty smile, he apologized and asked if she wanted to keep dancing. Cameo agreed – as long as the money kept coming – but she kept her distance, as Kendrix’s once attentive stare became intimidating and chilling. As they reached the end of their fifteen minutes, Kendrix spent more money for them to do it again. At first, Cameo refused, and then he doubled it. As she went to take the money from his hand, Kendrix pulled it back with a small smirk. “Unless,” he said, eyeing Cameo’s body over like it would be his last meal. She knew exactly what was implied by his tone, but in case she didn’t, Kendrix made it clear as he gripped the print of his penis through his jeans. All before pulling out another stack of cash to add to what he was offering. “You know you wanna see it.”

“Yeah, we cool,” Cameo spoke to Rhapsody. “I ain’t even really wanna do that, I just needed the money. So don’t tell anybody anything else.”

“I won’t. And like E said, you ain’t gotta do nothing you don’t want to. We wanted you because I like you, not because of that. I really just told her about you and Kendrix, right now.”

“It ain’t supposed to be nobody business, anyway.”

“It’s not, damn! I done fucked so many niggas back there, Alonzo done gave me my own room. But I get it. I ain’t saying sorry again. Got me up here sounding like you, shit.” Cameo could tell hanging with Rhapsody was going to be a challenge. From what Cameo had seen, Rhapsody never took anything seriously and swore she was funny. When in actuality, she was loud and obnoxious. Nonetheless, as Cameo followed behind her into the private room, she was grateful she wasn’t entirely alone at the club.

Inside the Upper Room, Cameo almost forgot she was there to work as she was drawn to Echo’s solo dance. That was until she caught the impatient glare on the woman’s face. Since Cameo expected they were entertaining a group of lesbians, she stepped up on the small stage in the center of the room to join Echo. Touching her body softly and staring into her eyes as she mirrored Echo’s movements. That was until she heard a very familiar voice from the crowd.

“Now, this what I wanna see.” Kendrix spoke, moving closer to the small stage to throw his money at the girls.

While Cameo didn’t expect to give Kendrix a happy ending that night, she held no hard feelings against the man. As long as he was spending money, she would always be who he wanted to see. However, before Cameo could entice Kendrix to empty his pockets, Rhapsody s body slid into view, “You can see from the couch.”

As Kendrix and Rhapsody continued talking, Cameo looked over the private party. It was hardly any women in The Upper Room, let alone lesbians. Either way, Cameo continued to dance with Echo under a shower of money, while Rhapsody controlled the intimate crowd of men. For a moment, Cameo felt the sexiest she had felt yet. All eyes were on her as the crowd took in the scene. There was no need for her to do anything extra to make the type of money she expected to be bringing home from the strip club. All she had to do was keep her body close to Echo’s and have fun.

“Nigga please,” She then heard Rhapsody’s voice over the music. “I know you begged the new girl to suck on your little ass dick. You gotta pay more me now, nigga.”

“This bitch,” Cameo mumbled before she went to go off on Rhapsody once and for all, but it was Echo’s gentle grasp of her hips that halted her for the moment.

“Do you want to be that girl? Every private dance from you comes with a happy ending?” Echo spoke slowly into Cameo’s ear. She wanted to clear things up, but Echo continued past her interjections. “That’s fine if you do –  even better if you don’t. Either way, don’t step on another girl’s hustle- .”

As Echo whispered to her, Cameo watched Kendrix and Rhapsody closely. She began to wonder, was he one of Rhapsody’s regulars? Did they ask her to come dance with them simply because they wanted her to know to stay away from him? Did she want to be that girl? Just as Rhapsody and Kendrix went to slip out a side door of The Upper Room, Cameo cut them off.

“I’ll do whatever she’s doing…for double.” The words seemed to fly right out of her mouth, but Cameo’s mind was still thinking of something to say. As Kendrix smirked a little, she looked over to Rhapsody. She was sure the girl was getting ready to cuss her out, but she had a big ole smile on her face. And over Rhapsody’s shoulder, Cameo could see Echo giving her an approving look.  “Or better yet,” She said, approaching Kendrix and slipping her hand into the top of his jeans, “You can take the both of us.”

“Just you,” He said as Rhapsody let go of his arm and turned to find another sucker for the night. As she left Kendrix and Cameo alone, he pushed her hand further down his jeans to grab ahold of his dick. The last time he had Cameo this close to him – she changed her mind, she even tried to give him his money back. He knew it was because she was still the new girl and that soon enough, she’d be offering hand jobs and rim shots in the back rooms just like all the other girls. “I knew you wanted to see it. You just like the rest of these hoes.”

Cameo suppressed her will to roll her eyes and call his bluff. She may have been a hoe, but he was the one paying $400 just to get his dick sucked.

[theshortwavemystery]

NOTES FROM WATCHING THE FIRST EPISODE OF “RIVERDALE”

1. Riverdale is a bizarre town that seems cut off from everywhere else, temporally straddled between an eternal 1950’s—more accurately a 1950’s stuck in an endless repetitive loop. But it takes place in the late 2010’s. Even so, the decor in the town is vintage, and the characters recognize this. The activities of the kids are vintage. the internet and cell phones exists, millennials are named, but it doesn’t seem to matter. something is very weird here, as if all these people are ghosts. all the stock scenarios and characters are here, which is to be expected for a teen drama, but there’s an exactness, a literalism, that is too perfect to be unintentional. 2. what is this world? it seems to be a staging of a certain inertia in american culture, which changes in superficial ways—technology, new TV shows, music new taboos—but all if this somehow serves to reinforce, or justify a return to the “leave it to beaver” universe. 3. any reminder that these are modern kids—their frequent references to contemporary TV shows like Mad Men for instance—only serve to increase the spooky vibe. everyone in this town seems to be low key crazy, making the show feel like twin peaks but written by what’s left of your local shopping mall. 4. the show’s script is constantly making fun of itself to the point that we seem directed by it to avoid taking the drama seriously—it is perhaps a smoke screen, like the haze of the presumably northwestern woods that seem to surround the town (it is filmed in Vancouver). the gay best friend is named as the gay best friend, establishing him as a living archaism—i felt bad for him after this. 5. plot points are shown to be cliche—the fake lesbian kiss, once scandalous in the 2000’s, is brushed off as false and an erasure of real lesbians. the script fools us, indicating it means to aim for more intelligent territory. and yet, veronica’s confrontation with cheryl, her tough girl speech, where she reveals her vulnerability as a rich girl fallen from grace but also stands up for betty—this goes without an ironic comment, even thought it is also a cliche, but a more contemporary oneq—the “mic drop” moment. so we see how the naming of particular cliches, employed ironically, serves to hide others the show is earnestly employing. 6. veronica says she needs to be redeemed for her father’s crimes, how is that fair. 7. archie’s desire to make music seems like a stand-in for a recognition that he’s gay. they cover this up by making his character straight but i don’t buy it. because his music itself clearly doesn’t matter. this is similar to the dead poets society where the kid kills himself obviously because he’s gay and he’s afraid his dad will disown him. why? nobody kills themselves merely because their dad shames them for doing theater. the reason is simple: theater is already such a humiliating and abject thing to love that you have to be totally shameless to even start doing it. once you become a theater kid your dad has lost you. in the second episode, the gay friend of betty reveals that he agrees with me here. 8. archie is the decentered center of the show, not a particularly interesting character so much as a holding container for female desire/fantasy. he’s dumb, cute boy who’s kind of artistic and kind of jockish, but the complex psychology belongs to betty, veronica, cheryl so far—all plotting, calculating characters, whereas archie just wants to enjoy himself and be liked—and to be fair, these shallow needs get him in plenty of trouble, but they’re simple needs. but this is always what archie was, even as a comic book character. he’s kicked around like a football like a more jocular charlie brown. 9. archie’s problem is identiied as the problem of "all millenial men", who need to be told what they want—but this is really everyone’s problem. what makes the girls/women different is that they don’t care that they don’t know what they want—they just act on feelings, and try to make the world match up with the feelings. archie thinks he ought to know what he wants, and then do it. but the women, whose desires as women are not even encouraged from day one, are free from this tedious problem. this is why archie is the one who has to be the moral authority regarding his mutual witness to the murder with the hot teacher, while the hot teacher is only afraid people will find out she fucked a student. veronica brushes off archie’s identity crisis as a false dilemma, critiqueing the categories of “jock” and “artist” and insisting he can be both, and anyway who gives a fuck? but this whimsy and indifference toward boundaries can get devious with veronica, who is betty’s friend one second and hooking up with archie the next. 10. although women are still often denied full subjectivity in literature, in real life it’s always been the opposite—men tend to forego personality development in favor of power or the illusion of power, and end up more shallow, rigid and fragile, more prone to the whims of their entourage. they never really have to become anything in particular--masculinity functions like a hive mind. if male relationships superficially appear to have less friction, it is only because men are brutally conformist and end up with little personal to argue about, usually coalescing around some common interest and not prone to discussing their respective inner lives--except, occasionally to defensively deny their existence. so-called "sensitive" men only do this in more devious ways--it's obvious that jughead is the most devious character we've met so far. women, in contrast, are each a hive mind unto themselves, compelled to construct an array of selves, carefully deploying them to get by in a world structured by the male gaze and booby-trapped by the machinations of other women. this complexity is of course terrifying to men who either submit to it as a fetish or suppress it— and one way of accomplishing that suppression in literature is to create stories where the men are supposedly complex and the women supposedly shallow and dependent wholly on men--the typical gaslight job of the mediocre male writer. this is clearly a show that, whatever its other blindnesses, is not going to let that happen. 11. we are told through veronica that archie is more dangerous than he looks. why doesn’t the show want us to figure this out ourselves? this feels ironic on the writers' parts, another winking use of cliche. 12. everyone’s problem is a cliche—archie’s father pressures him to do sports to get into college, he wants to do something else. betty’s mom is controlling and betty is a people pleaser who already in the first episode explodes about how perfect she has to be all the time and can’t she just do something for herself for once? 13. the music is annoying and cloying but it also grounds the contemporary nature of the show, because of its peculiar sense of melodrama, which is endemic to this time period, and the neoliberal overvaluing of the self. 14. the video on this show seems filtered into oblivion, or photoshopped or otherwise conspicuously treated. just like the self-awareness of the script, it contributes to the sense of unreality. 15. more self-aware cliches: archie and betty grew up next door to each other—they’re stuck in a feedback loop of being the ____ next door. cheryl describes herself as the queen on stage at the dance. 16. classic literature is referenced oddly—betty loves toni morrison, even though by the end of the episode, we have been introduced to zero black main characters. is this self-aware critique of white fetishization of blackness? and there's also thornton wilder’s “our town”… veronica suggests that the high school is part of the lost epilogue from “our town”—wilder also presented a transparently fake and timeless town to stage his existentialist story in, one in which horrifyingly, dead people remain in a liminal space between death and life, vainly trying to communicate with the living they can still see. 17. every celebrity/media reference is bizarre. a thin veneer draped over an unchanging reality. "Riverdale" seems not so much about the dark underbelly of suburbia, but about the idea of suburbia is the dark underbelly itself. a murder has to happen because someone has to bring death here, lest everyone become paralyzed by their immortality. 18. archie’s “making a deal” with the hot teacher is way more erotic than anything he’ll do with b or v… why is this happening at the Dance lol, unless we are to read it this way? they have shared the most precious thing in this town, death... why does archie love the teacher and toy with his peers? because they can't give him death. clearly archie is blackmailing the hot teacher into continuing the relationship, but he does so seemingly unaware of his own motives. he lives in the age of youtube tutorials, he doesn't need music instruction. and here is another paradox of the modern gender binary--men think they don't know what they want, but unconsciously they know what they want--they receive their instructions from the Borg Queen of masculinity and pursue it ruthlessly, whereas women end up thinking they know exactly what they want, but unconsciously they don't, because it's fractured amongst their afformentioned hive of selves. This is why both traditonally-socialized genders are completely right in saying the other is full of shit. 19. “we have no past” goes the song josie sings—and maybe this is america’s problem—the past is empty, the past of ordinary suburbia, interrupted only occasionally by wars perhaps but untouched by cultural progress—and because we have no past we can have no present, only an empty recycling of the same void, the same problems, the same catharses—new episodes of the same show. we live forever at the cost of never changing. is riverdale a socially critical prestige drama LARPing in the ironic costume of a CW teen soap??? 20. all the characters are trapped in a carnival haunted house ride. the theme: adolescence. 21. cheryl’s party—brett kavanaugh could have been at this party 22. jughead is the narrator, and i like the idea that this is all in jughead’s head, which is why it’s so unstuck in time aesthetically, so stylized and knowing. and it's no wonder he's the most popular character, because he represents the writers themselves, and fandom is to have an illusion of a privileged relationship not so much with the characters, but with the property's creators--and to be hyperinvested and, if necessary, hypercritical of their choices. 23. the gay hookup is interrupted by the presence of a corpse—a classic trope in teen horror but it’s interesting to see it with a gay pair. it’s as if in the clash between the perpetual 1950’s aura and the contemporary references and morality, a gruesome surplus appears, the specter of homophobia. which, incidentally is a corpse of a man guilty of a sexual act that is still considered taboo—incest. a corpse symbolizes the death of innocence for a hetero couple, but for a queer couple it can’t just be that—it also must evoke the threat of actual murder. which makes this a very different moment. 24. jughead says riverdale has changed—but it has only been revealed to be what it always was—"full of shadows and secrets", as jughead puts it. he must be putting us on—this place is way creepier than Sunnydale, and that place had actual demons… but this is often what a change amounts to—not the addition of a new trait, but the acceptance of one that was already there. 25. jason blossom is a ginger like archie and he therefore seems tied to archie in a unique way. he dies on july 4th, given some fuel to my reading as a show with something to say about america’s self-image. 26. all the parents are single parents or in strained, unhappy marriages in this town. this us realistic, but that should tip us off: what in the show has been realistic so far? debuting in january 2017, "Riverdale" seems retrospectively shaped by the trump era-a teen drama not about the undead, as buffy was, but a teen drama which is itself undead, fitting for a president who also wished to raise the dead, and also what had never lived. riverdale’s preservation of the old “great” america is superficial—indoors, a very contemporary isolation and alienation reign, in contrast even to the desperation of actual 50’s suburbia. 27. is everyone dead already in this show? is riverdale purgatory? is that what explains its being unstuck in time and drenched in fog? but i’ve been to small towns in the northwest that look like riverdale—nothing has been updated since 1954. in order to seem fake, riverdale has to be even faker that real life, even more uncanny—and that’s a tall order.

[chartreuxcatz]

Its no secret that I am very much in lesbians with Franziska von Karma from the Ace Attorney series. She is so pretty, after all. But I also want to take a sec to explain why I appreciate her so much as a character.

I can relate to Franziska as a straight-A student in school. Learning has always come very easily to me. I'm used as "the good example." I set a high standard for myself at a young age. Everyone in class would compare their grades to mine, and getting a higher grade than me was considered an achievement.

But the thing is, my grades ended up being my only source of self-worth. For the longest time, anyone getting a better grade on a test than me was a devastating blow on my ego. The first time I got below an 80% on a test I cried.

Eventually the subjects started getting more challenging and I, "hit the wall" as they say. I could never ask for help because if I did I would be admitting I had trouble learning the material, the one thing I was supposed be exceptional at. My crippling anxiety would kick in and I'd cry halfway through the explanation feeling stupid for not knowing the answer already. I say that in the past tense, but honeslty the last time that happened was a year ago. It's still something I struggle with.

I've had to work so hard just to learn how to be proud of others. Jealousy has been a huge obstacle in my life that affected my friendships and brought out the worst in me.

Growing up with a superiority complex and learning to overcome those negative emotions is a struggle that hits just about as close to home for me as it can. I see a lot of myself in Franziska.

Obviously she's had it a lot worse than me. She became a prosecutor at 13 and was hailed as a prodigy. But she still never felt good enough. She was taught to turn to manipulative tactics to uphold her reputation (I'd be lying if I said I never cheated out of fear of failure).

I love the way her character is introduced as intimidating and ruthless. A spoiled brat, even. But as you continue through the game you see her for what she really is. A stressed, misguided, and scared teen who was always pressured to achieve perfection, who lost her father and seemed to have lost her brother figure but still had to prove that she was better. She's been neglected. Her confident and cocky attitude is just a front she's had to keep up her entire life to hide the fact that everything she does is motivated by a crippling fear of failure.

All it takes is 1 mistake. 1 loss for her confidence to crumble. She lashes out and becomes aggressive towards others (mostly Phoenix). But the second time she loses to Phoenix she tears herself down. Calling herself stupid, and an idiot.

That feeling is something I relate to sooooo much. That "one mistake makes me stupid" attitude. And it's hell to get over.

[devilsknotrp]

Congratulations, M! You have been accepted for the role of Sandy Silverman (FC:Nicole Kidman). As Mandy’s player, I was understandably anxious to find a player who could articulate the muddy depths of Sandy Silverman... I shouldn’t have even worried. Your application is absolutely incredible. Your writing sample alone made us both so excited, because something as simple as ringing the hotline for Brian is loaded with meaning and intent. We have to spotlight your headcanons. Fleshing out her backstory allowed us to see how much has happened to Sandy. The glimpses of Phillip (putting out a cigarette in his food: oh, God) were painful reminders of how complex domestic power structures can be. You have given Sandy such life. It will be truly wonderful to see her develop in game. Please have a look at this page prior to sending in your account.

OUT OF CHARACTER

Name: M Age: 24 Pronouns: She/her Timezone: GMT-5 Activity estimation: I have a full time job and other commitments but I’ll try to reply a couple times a week! Triggers: REDACTED

IN CHARACTER

Full name: Sandra Kathleen Silverman, née Moore Age (DD/MM/YYYY): Fifty five (08/04/41) – Leo Gender: Cisgender woman Pronouns: She/her Sexuality: Lesbian (closeted, even to herself) Occupation: Real Estate Agent, Great Lake Homes Connection to Victim: Sandy sold Linda the home in which the Goode family currently resides. She also sees Linda from time to time at PTA meetings – when Sandy manages to show up, that is – since they both have children in high school. And since Brian’s disappearance bears a resemblance to Pete’s disappearance years ago, Sandy feels an unusual connection with Linda. Alibi: Sandy reluctantly took Pete shopping in the morning, and dropped him off at home afterwards. She headed to the office to grab a few papers for a client and spent the afternoon preparing a house for its viewing scheduled for the following day. Faceclaim: Nicole Kidman

WRITING SAMPLE

The line rang three times before someone picked up. “You’ve reached the Brian Goode tip-line,” a man said, voice crackling through the phone line like crumpled paper. The voice was monotone. Sandy had clearly not been the first person to call this morning. She hitched her shoulder up, using the bony part at the top to press the receiver against her ear so she could take a sip from her coffee mug. A Michigan Nip, of course. 

“Hi, good morning, I’ve been meaning to call you,” she said. One week had passed and Brian Goode was still a ghost. 

Sandy’s eyes were focused on the phone keypad. If she looked hard enough, she’d swear that some of the numbers had been worn down just a bit more than the rest. All those calls, back and forth, twelve years ago. She practically had the department’s number memorized at this point. “It’s just terrible, isn’t it?”

“Yes, but we’re doing the best we can right now, ma’am,” the man said, and Sandy couldn’t contain the snort of laughter that came flying out. She was standing in very spot where she’d learned that her son was alive, and that her husband was dead. She’d never felt that the Devil’s Knot Police Department had done their best at just about anything. “Do you have any information to report?” he asked.

“Oh, yes, certainly. I was just calling to ask about the case, though. Do you have any leads yet?” Sandy asked the question matter-of-factly, and took another sip. After how long it had taken Charlie Taylor to botch everything last time, she figured the department owed her some goddamned information. 

There was a pause. “Ma’am, this is a tip line,” he said. The pitch of his voice rose at the end like he wasn’t sure if he should be asking or telling.

“I know,” Sandy said. “I thought the main line would be busy, and maybe I could get some information from you instead.” She heard shuffling behind her and turned over her shoulder to make eye contact with her son. “Just tell the Sheriff that it’s Sandy, he’ll understand,” she said, eyebrows raised, and shooed Peter away with a quick wave of her hand. The last thing she needed was for him to get re-traumatized, or whatever Dr. Shah had called it. She’d written some psychology buzzwords down a few years ago in case Sandy ever wanted to go to the public library and check a book out. In all likelihood, the piece of paper had gone through the wash in one of her pants pockets and disappeared entirely. 

There was another pause. Longer this time. He gave a sigh that crackled in her ear. “Mrs. Silverman, I – “

“Officer, come on,” Sandy interrupted, “Don’t you know what happened to my family?” Of course he did. Everyone did. 

“Yes, and I’m very sorry, but it’s ongoing investigation. If you have any information that you think could be helpful, please let us know.”

Twelve years later and apparently the department hadn’t gotten any better since Charlie Taylor resigned in disgrace. Sandy tipped the mug back and took a large gulp. The splash of whisky burned in her throat. “Let’s just hope you’re doing a better job this time around.” She looked down at her empty mug. The spiral cord trailed behind her as she took a few steps toward the counter to put it in the sink. “It didn’t take you a week to find my son in ’84. Do your fucking job. Good day,” Sandy said, and hung up.

ANYTHING ELSE?

Here is my Pinterest board for Sandy! 

Sandy grew up in a very traditional family. Her father was a physician, her mother a homemaker. She watched from a young age how the men in her life took up space; how they showed cruelty in the way they spoke loudly, making rules that only they were allowed to break. Irene, Sandy’s mother, taught her how to make herself pretty and small, so boys would like her. Her older brother was the pride of the family; all chiseled jaw and boyish charm, just handsome enough to get away with anything. The pedestal he lived on was so high she could barely see the bottom of it. She was just a girl, raised in chains, her parent’s Little Darling, unobtrusive and accommodating. Never enough, because she was never allowed to be. This disconnect deepened as she grew older – but if her parents wanted her to be a young lady, Sandy would be the best young lady in all of Indiana. She’d perform perfectly.

She was always good at getting people to like her. In high school, all it took was becoming cheer captain and giving out blowjobs after school in the parking lot. She was a good girl. Sloppy Sandy, they called her. It didn’t matter. They all cheered when she became prom queen, anyway. She went on to study sculpture at Moore College of Art and Design, and told the other girls that her family had been the one to give the school its name. Just to see their faces light up. Sculpting gave her permission, for once in her life, to stick her hands in the mud. When her mother referred to sculpture as a fine hobby, Sandy knew it was code for a pit stop on your way to marriage.

Phillip and Sandy met on a blind date. Irene introduced the idea during one of their mother-daughter dates at the beauty parlor. She waited until Sandy’s fingers were in the manicurist’s hands to inform her that Phillip Silverman would be picking her up that evening. Seven o’clock, sharp. Good genes, she said. Handsome. His mother had been crowned Miss Indiana in ‘22, after all. Irene had just been runner-up. Sandy agreed, of course, because she had to.

The following year, they were married. Phillip was a kind man, and everyone loved him, so Sandy did too. The word wife felt funny in her mouth when she said it out loud, so she put on an apron and shopped at Macy’s and picked up pilates. If she shaped herself into Woman incarnate, it made it all better, somehow. When she gave birth at twenty-five, the post-partum depression swallowed her whole. It left the dishes unwashed, diapers unchanged, and to-do list unchecked. She spent more time in bed than her infant daughter did. Phillip learned to bring the baby to their bedroom to breastfeed. More often than not, when she cradled their daughter in her arms, Sandy would start to cry. Bad mother, bad bad bad, she thought. Phillip seemed to think so too. It didn’t take long for the GP to write her a prescription for Valium. It helped. She started drinking more, and that helped too.

As Amanda grew, Sandy drank. Post post-partum depression, maybe. She didn’t have an excuse then; she just gave up. Sandy tried to fashion her daughter into a reflection of herself – dressing her in pink, putting her in cheerleading, teaching her to smile – but the connection felt irreparable. Thankfully, Phillip took over the bulk of the parental duties. He never let her forget it. At least the resentment was mutual; at family dinner, Sandy put her cigarettes out in Phillip’s food to let him know he’d eaten enough. No one was going to be fat in her family. Another child was out of the question, but sometimes, when Sandy was drunk, she forgot to take her birth control. The post-partum depression knocked her on her feet so badly the second time around that she got her tubes tied. After the procedure, she drove down to the beauty parlor for a manicure.

Sandy remembers very little of the two days her husband and son were missing. The panic was paralyzing. She was drunk when she got the call that Peter had been found; she drove to the hospital and took out two bushes in the parking lot with Mandy in the passenger seat. Her boy was alive! Later, when they found Phillip, grief was quickly washed out by rage. Why had he done this to them – to her? Everyone who’d called her the bad parent could kiss her well-toned ass. And they did. For a while, at least, when the frenzy was still about the poor Silverman family. A small part of her liked the attention. Finally, someone in Devil’s Knot gave a shit about Sandy Silverman when she was sober.

The rumors were relentless. Soon enough, the town was going to swallow itself whole. One morning, their dog Bonnie turned up dead in the front yard, blood pooling on the overgrown grass. Sandy got in the car in her silk pajamas, went down to the police department, and told Charlie Taylor just how badly he was fucking the whole thing sideways. Three months was too long. When they finally arrested Max Acosta, Sandy didn’t even care if he was guilty. She was tired. They asked her to corroborate the argument between Max and Phillip. She remembered the incident in a half-hazy way, but it must’ve been Fourth of July because she’d been drinking watermelon punch. Phillip must’ve started the argument, the bonehead. I have a sense about these things, trust me.

After the trial, she set Peter up with a psychologist because God knows she wasn’t equipped to deal with that. The children still felt far away, somewhere inaccessible to her, even after all that happened. Sandy tried joining the PTA, but that required sobriety on a Wednesday night, which meant her attendance was sparse. She got a real job, finally. Sandy Silverman, Real Estate Agent, Great Lake Homes. With a card and everything. Being a salesman is like being a woman: a test of how much you can endure. All the happy wives and mothers must be lying to themselves too, right? It’s just contest to see who can keep the smile pasted on her face the longest. Well, Sandy Silverman’s a professional, and she’s good at that too. She’s the best at it. And she’ll show you!

[devontabris]

Soul

You never did ‘fit in’ as they say. Dolls thrown aside in favour of your brother’s toy cars. That’s nothing unusual. You’re just a bit of a tomboy, they thought. Still, as you grow older, the workings of a girl’s or woman’s mind remain a mystery to you. Even when people explain the how’s and why’s, that way of thinking seems so alien, so foreign. When your body starts to change you don’t mind it too much, at first. But the more it changes, the more it annoys you and the more you start to hate this thing called puberty. It began as only some light bleeding. The repetition of that process begins to annoy you. The red flow slipping from between that hole between your legs is the most hateful feeling, worthy of being called a nightmare. Through the years cramps, pre-menstrual boob pain and general emotional bullshit getting out of whack made the experience even worse. It gets more uncomfortable the longer you’re forced to wear a bra. The straps become loose all the time. When you jump those damn growths on your chest won’t sit still and they draw attention, way too much attention. Seeing how boys looks at girls and their… Ugh, ‘assets’, makes you vow never to wear anything that exposes more than your collarbones. Not that you could stomach wearing something like that even if you’d want to. How can women bear to wear such revealing clothing? How can they not feel uncomfortable in them? How can they view those things as any kind of ‘asset’ at all? You wonder this sometimes. They say it makes them feel sexy, but you don’t understand any of it. Those words sound as though they’re speaking a language you don’t understand. A complex language. One you feel no passion for and thus won’t bother to learn. Mid to late teen years another frustration sets in full force. One that’s been brewing in the back of your mind for a while now. You find your own lack of physical strength vexing and are slowly becoming tired of feeling so weak. Always needing someone else to turn the lid of the jar. People offer to carry things for you and you refuse as much as possible. You wish to be thought of as strong, someone others can depend on. Not someone who needs help moving a few boxes or carrying a few books. You wanted your aunt to also ask you to help her move to her new place instead of just your brother. So you start working out. Maybe if you grow a bit of muscle you’ll stop feeling so weak and people will stop acting ‘gentlemanly’ towards you. It’s something you’ve always hated, but as an adult that sort of behaviour especially annoys you. You hate it when people attempt to treat you as the lady you’re not. They do it more and more now. Holding open a door, letting you enter first with that stupid ‘ladies first’ crap and pulling the chair back. You want to scream: “Stop doing that! I have hands of my own! I can do all this stuff. I’m not some weak helpless creature that needs taking care of all the time!” But for some reason that escapes you, you hold your tongue and settle for a scowl instead. They do this in spite of your short haircut which you’ve had since the year you turned seventeen, the men’s clothes that you embarrassingly had to buy at the boy’s section of the store because your body is not big enough and the sporty shoes you chose specifically because while they’re labelled ‘girl shoes’, they don’t look the part at all. They do it even as you refuse to walk like a runway model and always sit with your legs spread wide apart. They do it even as you make no effort to emphasize your chesticles and even try to de-emphasize them as much as possible. They do all those things and more regardless of how you present and it irritates the heck out of you. Shouldn’t there be a rule, you wonder, that says that when someone actively tries to look and act as unladylike as possible one should not treat them as a lady? Eventually, you find the word or maybe it found you. Transgender. Trans for short. You read the word on a random website the first time around and something inside yourself called out to it even if the definition, the stereotypes you read on that page didn’t entirely ‘fit’. Oh, so there is a name for this out of place feeling. You know there were people born in male bodies who then at some point choose to live as women. You  never knew the other way around also exists. That old documentary you watched a couple years back didn’t explain things nearly as well as it should have. You put the word in a search engine and look for more. Have to know. Need to know more. Suddenly, all those years of looking in the mirror, yet never seeing yourself made sense. How could you see the real you reflected when the shell, the package you’re wrapped up inside of, is wrong? If your body felt like a closed prison cell missing a lock and key before, then this is doubly true now. How do you get out? How do you shed this skin like a snake would to reveal the real you? How do you become who you were always meant to be? To change your life around so people see the correct shell standing in front of them. So they can stop making the wrong assumptions about who and what you are. It feels as though you’ve finally found a vital piece of the puzzle that had remained missing until now. You gather all the info you need. Where are you supposed to go to get this process started? What’s going to happen? What could happen? What could go right and what could go wrong? You take some time to figure out what exactly it is that you want and how to get it. You look up some videos to get inside knowledge of how this whole ‘transition’ process you’ve read so much about is supposed to go. Is the information on those websites still up to date, you ask yourself. The videos you watch of other trans men offer more than just information. Watching them gives you some comfort and courage that one day you could be at the same stage in transition as them. One day, you could be the one sitting there in front of a camera giving information and courage to others. You often contemplate coming out, but as freeing as the thought appears, it is twice as frightening. What if they don’t just react badly, but really badly? What if your parents throw you out of the house? What if several friend and family members insult the heck out of you then refuse to talk to you again and cut all ties? What if they’re disgusted by you, by the real you, just because you weren’t born with the correct parts attached? Just because the shape of your soul differs from the package it was shoved into. You are like the box to a point-and-click mystery adventure game with an action RPG disk inside. It’s not your fault whoever was responsible for putting discs in boxes put yours in one that wrongly describes the thing inside. Yet, people around you are angry and demand that you act like the mystery game they were promised, but your code simply doesn’t work that way. After much internal debate, you finally gather up the courage to tell your parents and brother. Your mother doesn’t get it. She tells you that you may have been a bit of a tomboy as a kid, but never to that extent. She says she doesn’t see that in you and that she thinks you’re making a mistake. You can feel the twist of an imaginary blade tearing your heart open. You love her, but the knowledge that she can’t see you, the real you, just hurts so bad that you’re amazed that you’re still breathing. Your father thinks it is a phase, at first. Something that will blow over. Occasionally, he humours you, but nothing more. Later down the line, when he’ll see the change, see that it’s real, he’ll make no issue out of it to your surprise and will simply go with it. Your brother can tell this has been bothering you for a while and tells you so. He’s always noticed that you didn’t act or react like most girls, but simply pegged you for a tomboy and possibly a lesbian. He says that looking back, it all kind of makes sense now. Still, he worries about you. He fears this transition process isn’t safe until you show him all your research. He’s also afraid of the scorn others may express. More than the possibility of getting hateful words flung at you, he’s afraid they’ll hurt you physically. Your face lights up the first time he calls you ‘brother’ instead of ‘sister’. It almost feels surreal to finally have someone call you by your true name and male pronouns, but a good kind of surreal. You’re so used to people calling you by your birth name, that having them use your chosen name is a little odd at first. A few weeks after your parents, you gather up the courage to tell other family members and friends. Some of them are confused. Others angry. Some a mix of both. Others hurl a list of insults at you and you try to explain, but they won’t hear any of it. Ties are cut and tears spilt. Some people you lose forever. Luckily, others stay and those are the ones you grow even closer to. You are grateful for their support and that they at least try to remember to call you by the correct pronouns. Having a few more people on your side makes you feel a little stronger. Your mother drags you to a psychologist who ends up taking your side, much to your mother’s dismay. She tries to take you to a different one whom she hopes will tell you to stop acting like a man and listen to your genitals. You refuse and even move out of the house after six more months of her insisting on and emphasizing her use of the words ‘she’, ‘her’ and ‘my daughter’ every chance she gets. Three months after you’ve fully moved into your own place, your therapist gives you the letter you need to start hormone therapy. Your brother congratulates you. At this stage, your father realizes that it’s real. “You’re really going through with it, huh.” He says. You nod. When you grow your first facial hair he teaches you how to shave. In the following months the testosterone you take lowers your voice slowly. When it cracks you suddenly feel like a teenage boy even though you’ve been an adult for about six years now. More hair sprouts all over your arms and legs. You think your face looks a little different, but maybe it’s just your imagination. Things that seemed heavy to lift before now seem a whole lot lighter. You see your muscles growing week by week. Gaining strength is a whole lot easier now. Things are changing in your lower region as well, aside from hair growth, that is. Your clit gets larger, not as large as you’d like, but it’s something. The next time you hear of your mother, you hear she’s held a funeral for ‘the girl you’ in the back yard a couple week ago. You think it’s ridiculous. You’re not even dead. You’re right here, alive and well, alive and feeling way better than you’ve felt in ages. That ‘female’ you was never even there. What did she even burry? Your previous physical appearance? Her own ideas of what you should be or should have been? She explains that she needs time to mourn. Mourn what?! That shell you’ve been so desperate to get rid of? Why mourn that? Heck, you’d throw a party! Finally rid of all the stuff you’d come to hate about yourself because it didn’t fit and rid of the stuff that made people treat you in a way you hated. She explains that she feels like she lost a daughter. You counter that maybe she never had one, but just didn’t care to see it. “Maybe.” She says she needs time to adjust, to get used to having a son instead of a daughter and that you don’t need to understand why the funeral helps her get over the fact that you’re transitioning, just that it does. You calm down, let it go and tell her you can live with that. For the first time in a long time, way too long, the two of you hug. Roughly a year after starting testosterone, you get a mastectomy. The breasts you’ve been binding for a couple years are gone now, cut away by a surgeon’s knife and thrown in the trash. That’s a load of your chest, quite literally, figuratively too. Finally, you feel whole. You’re not done yet. You’re still planning to have your name and gender marker officially changed, of course, and a year from now the womb and other internal reproductive bits have got to go in a hysterectomy. At least that much. Maybe more, you haven’t decided yet. At any rate, those are worries for later. For now, you’re okay even if your chest hurts and you’re groggy from the pain meds. But for the first time in forever you’re at peace with yourself and the face in the mirror and honestly? That’s more than you ever hoped or could have asked for.

— — —

An old piece of original fiction first posted on Deviantart in 2015. Thought I’d share it here too. This isn’t my own personal story, just the story of a character I made up.

[breakingarchives]

OOC INFO

Kendall (23 / they/them /edt)

Still a nope on triggers. Can’t really tag for the things that set off my anxiety

IC INFO

Diana Alice Ambrose is a Performing Arts student obsessed by Poetry and Songwriting, that aims to Become A World Famous Pop Star because they are Dependent On External Validation And Attention. However, due to Her Extreme Sensitivity to Criticism and Cruel Streak that Makes Her Enemies Everywhere, this might take a while to happen.

She is trying to remember how long she’s studied at Università di Lugano, but all we know is that she is an UPPERCLASSMEN. This REGULAR student is 25 years old, was born in Los Angeles, and looks horrifyingly like Davika Hoorne.

Creative and Manipulative, but also Confident and Cruel. We’re all complex individuals. I say individuals, because at this rate, I’m not sure that all of us are human anymore.

Don’t be weird, but I just compiled a dossier about them. You can read below, if you want. I just wanted to know if they were secretly a serial killer.

EXTRACURRICULAR: figure skating league,

DORMITORY: KABANGE APARTMENT

Dianna’s mother is an actress who was a child star but hasn’t had any major roles since she was a teenager, and her father is a Thai Immigrant who own a successful small business. She took her mother’s surname because it would play better to Western Audiences. She cares very much about her image and only so much as acknowledges her Thai heritage when it’s of some benefit.

Her mother pushed her towards show biz and she did a little acting when she was a kid, but was enamored with music very early on in life, so acting was slowly dropped to focus on music. She’ll go back to acting eventually- after she has a successful music career.

Her entire childhood was shaped by performing, and she grew up very reliant on praise for doing well, and that’s carried on into adulthood. It’s part of why she’s so controlling of those around her. She wants to make sure she’s always getting the praise she feels she deserves.

Related, she can’t take criticism at all. Like… at all. She’ll either start crying or the person criticizing her becomes a sworn enemy.

She works hard to keep herself at the top of any social ladder, and isn’t afraid to step on others to do that. She’s the Queen and anyone who doesn’t agree is going to become a target.

In the same breath she HAS to have the best grades because anyone being better than her is her worst fear

But under all that, uhh arrogant insecurity, she is a talented singer and songwriter. It really is a genuine passion for her. It’s just also messy and wrapped up with the constant need for external validation.

She’s done ballet since she was five years old and started ice skating at eleven after seeing it in the Olympics. She just genuinely enjoys it, and she’s pretty good, despite not planning to go anywhere with it after college.

She’s a big lesbian

She has a baby pink convertible

She has an 18 year old little sister who’s just the sweetest person, a sharp contrast to Diana. And Di would probably literally kill someone to protect her if it came to that.

[deadmanzp]

aftg asks; questions by triquetrine

these are so interesting so i did all of them.. i want to come back after a year and see if id still answer the same! 

op is the post before this or also tagged “misc” 

neil josten: favorite/most iconic line?

first one that comes to mind I’m not sure is a favorite or iconic line? but it’s a line i think about a lot and it always hurts to read. it’s when they're at the cabin in TKM. 

“He didn’t care how much it hurt so long as he could pull Andrew closer, and he let Andrew take him apart until he couldn’t think anymore.”

that comes at the very end of Chapter 14 and gosh just the paragraph that line comes from and the paragraph before…. the fact neil thinks andrew doesnt care about him the way he cares/feels about andrew is like….. CMON MAN but also i just love the pining angst of it. i like this line especially because the line right before it mentions neil working his “bandaged fingers into Andrew’s hair”. so the “he didnt care how much it hurt” to me always carried a double meaning of 1. the physical pain he felt bc of his injuries but also 2. the pain of unfamiliarity abt his feelings towards andrew and thinking it was unreciprocal AND THAT HED HAVE TO “WARN” ANDREW like the implication.. of neil thinking abt their “relationship” possibly ending bc andrew doesnt feel the same and maybe wouldnt want to be entangled in whatever neil was feeling …… IM LIKE neil knows andrew so well and him being so sure abt this but hes like …. WRONG …. e

nathaniel wesninski: one thing you would change about the books? (plot, characters, etc)

there is very little id change about the books if at all. mainly bc while i know there are upsetting things that happen/the charas do, i think all of those things make the series really interesting to analyze and talk about. i will say a moment i hated was when neil touches andrews scars when andrew makes it clear he doesn't want neil to pry about them. i know neil offers his scars in turn when he's trying to convince andrew to let neil look over kevin but that was controlled. he let andrew touch them and find out about them of his own volition. neil touches something directly related to the trauma andrew had just experienced again when he had 0 permission to do so. while i always get mad at neil for this when i read it i still dont think id change it or get rid of it. im not really sure how id change it anyways and i think andrews relationship with his scars (and himself in general) is probably what allows him to brush it off(?)/never bring this up (plus maybe neil offering his scars was enough for andrew) but i havent thought too hard about this. but ya i remember i got rlly angry w neil the first time i read this scene and i still get mad abt it when i reread.

andrew minyard: if you could be friends with one of the characters, who would you pick?

i mean realistically i wouldnt be friends w jocks ILL BE REAL LOL and i think as much as i love the monsters, theres no way id be friends w them haha uhm but prob dan would be most realistic! maybe even katelyn tbh.. 

kevin day: if you played exy, what would your position be?

oh i think dealer! in sports i liked being able to do both defense and offense bc it made me feel i had more control over the field, like i could always do something if there were any holes

dan wilds: favorite moment/scene?

definitely the hotel reunion scene. theres so much to it; it drives me nuts!!!!! but honestly there are probably a lot of really good moments im forgetting. to me the whole series is really enjoyable and every scene has something i could say about it haha

matt boyd: song you would love to see in a live-action adaptation?

Oggghh this is so hard… esp since it takes place in 2007???? Idk.. iconic artists then i suppose ghfgkjhf BUT i think general vibes i think itd be so cool if paramore (time relevant), ptv (also time relevant), and mitski were on the soundtrack……. Ya…….. 

nicky hemmick: which made you more emotional, neil at evermore or neil in baltimore?

neil in baltimore for sure… neil at evermore i can't remember what i felt the first time i read it (maybe pain LOL bc he was doing it for andrew and i felt like riko wouldnt keep his promise) but in my latest reread i was unimpressed by it (mostly bc i think riko is boring and unimpressive). i think i mightve said evermore in the past though….. maybe... neil in baltimore is like … GOD neils emotions are so strong during all of that its really juicy haha. i think like him being angry bc he was on the cusp of having everything he couldve ever dreamed of; the desperation of wanting to fight back and get away; even just the fear of being in the same room as his father for the first time in so long... all really juicy 

aaron minyard: a character you will defend to your death?

defend…. im not sure is the word i would use and i dont think i really believe in defending any of these charas “to death” bc of how flawed and complex they are; id like to acknowledge when they did wrong. i think id “defend” any of the characters if i saw anyone misinterpreting or misunderstanding them.. theyre all really interesting even if they didnt get too much spotlight. except maybe riko. hes incredibly boring to me. and also nathan ig and any of his crew just bc there is Nothing abt them rlly...

katelyn: which minor character do you wish you could see more of?

uhhhmmmmmmmm hmmmmmm….. idk maybe… jeremy…. gjfjgkdngmdghs just bc him and kevin r so funny.. i was thinking maybe jean too but…… idk a diff kind of kevin relationship lol (yikes) (pain) but really im satisfied w jeans screen time. i think ichirou is interesting but again i think he didn't rlly need more. maybe erik actually. im interested to know what nicky is like with him :0

allison reynolds: favorite headcanon about the foxes?

actually something i recently thought abt was neil and photography. iirc? andrew gives neil a camera in the ec and i also imagine kevin eventually gets another camera too (i loved that detail when we saw his room at the nest) so i thought abt neil and kevin sharing/trading pics they take of (mainly) scenery. i imagine neil takes pics of anything he wants to remember/keep while kevin is more prone to taking pics of subjects related to some nerd history stuff (lol) so thats why they trade scenery pics mainly. but i like this small connection bc i want more to their relationship than their exy obsession and i imagine they have room for more now that riko is gone and i just like this other commonality btwn them. i think maybe they mail the developed pics to each other maybe w small descripts/notes but thats it. and i also imagine it kind of just is something that started happening.. neil and andrew r on a roadtrip and some building reminds neil of kevin so he snaps a pic and eventually sends it to kevin w some note. kevin replies 1. either a text being like that is nothing. > neil: shrugs brushes it off but figures he is welcome to send more when kevin sends his own picture back or 2. kevin simply replies back similarly w his own photo. i dont know.. maybe this goes beyond what their actual relationship would be like but i do like the idea of them just bein like… dude friends u know so i want them to have more than just exy and a traumatizing experience between them. 

as for common headcanons within the fanbase…. i do like the allison + neil haircuts thing.. although im not sure if i imagine it the same as most haha i feel neil would know how to cut his own hair from his life on the run (though theyre not Good or bad just like ok u know like passable generic w/e) i think hed definitely be tense the first couple times but he has experience w allison being close from needing to be covered up w make up after winter break so i think she would be allowed. 

renee walker: favorite non-canonical ship? (renison, jerejean, etc)

uhmm to be honest none really… im way too attached to canon to be able to dismiss any established relationships. i think kevemy (??? is that the name) is rlly amusing but i dont want them together necessarily haha i used to rlly like renison mainly bc im a lesbian and i want “main” chara wlw relationships lol but i recently read something abt how bi allison doesnt rlly sit well w some bc she outs andrew and neil during the hotel scene.. i also agree this is kinda :/ if she was bi Mainly bc i feel a lot of ppl (or at least this is what i gather from renison stuff ive seen) portray allison already being established bi? if this makes sense. i think if renison/allison realizing shes bi is a later development id feel better abt it but usually renison is already established so ya her outing them does bother me…. BUT aside from this, thinking about them as characters and what their partners (would) look like… im not sure if theyd rlly choose each other.. but i still enjoy seeing them together in art and in fic bc in the end…. im a sucker for women lol….

seth gordon: most underrated dynamic? (matt & neil, wymack & andrew, etc)

my first thought was wymack and andrew bc i rlllllyy like their dynamic especially after reading their ec stuff. i loved their first meeting (andrews terrible sandwich??!?fhdhfjd) and when andrew breaks into wymacks apartment BUT i think ppl mention them enough its not underrated. i Actually think renee and andrews dynamic/friendship is rlly underrated/overlooked!!! especially after reading the son nefes ec i love their dynamic a lot… 

some son nefes moments of them i liked:  tw // rape

renee convincing andrew to go with her to see matt after his trip to edens

how many knives do u carry / one more than u IS SO FUNNY and just andrews persistence abt fighting renee is also rlly funny to me

tw // rape : the moment when andrew asks renee if she killed her rapist/abuser that whole convo was good… 

their convo in the rain w their tea

i cant remember when this happens or rlly exaclty what was said but renee offers andrew something (some help??) and he says i dont need (w/e it was) and she says something along the lines of  i know but it wouldnt do any harm or SOMETHING like that.. i like this bc she acknowledges their abilities while showing shed still like to offer some help. im p sure she does this another time too (w neil???? or someone i cant remember maybe it was andrew again) and i remember liking it too. she has a way w words and talking (also seen in her convincing andrew to see matt)

BUT regardless of ec stuff i think their relationship/dynamic seen in the books is rlly good too. theres def enough to be intrigued by them and i always have been? so i'm reeeaallly happy son nefes exists i loved reading it..

david wymack: which ncaa team would you play for?

oh to be honest i dont rlly remember many of them but of the Three (ravens, foxes, trojans) prob trojans. i remember i even got them in a uquiz once… 

abby winfield: which character was the most realistically written?

first that came to mind was aaron actually.. i remember before when i didnt rlly like him or care abt him it was actually bc he was too “boring” to me. i always thought he had the most realistic reactions to things which is what made him boring to me amidst the ridiculousness of, well, everything in aftg lol… i still think he is really realistically written but now i dont think hes boring haha

besty dobson: how many times have you read the series?

fully i think…. only 3 times… i wish this were a higher count but i actually feel guilty everytime i try to reread it.

riko moriyama: coolest exy moment? (kevin’s last-minute point against the ravens, andrew shutting down the goal, etc)

uhhmm uhmm i def think kevin during the final game against the ravens…. hes so cool haha but i KNOW there were a lot of game moments that i thought were really cool so i cant rlly say…. oh also i love neil being defense in that game too rlly juicy wish i could pull up obscure moments bc i know i rlly enjoyed reading the games but terrible memory...

jeremy knox: which do you like reading more, domestic!foxes or chaotic!foxes?

uh i guess chaotic? not rlly sure exactly what that could entail but i do like… their chaos.. when they have fights and squabbles and stuff… this includes the high tension moments. ALTHOUGH i do like the tiny lines in the books when we see the monsters just doing like random basic everyday life stuff like playing video games or whatever. i like…. imagining them... fhdjfjshfjs… as for fic def chaos. i feel domestic is usually too softened….. 

jean moreau: favorite friendship?

oh i think this goes back to andrew and renee. but other than them… i do like neil and matts friendship.. though probably not the same as its typically portrayed 

[sage-nebula]

Anyone asked Alain yet for the meme? If not, Alain, Manon, Steven, and Sycamore~!

Alan:

sexual orientation headcanon

Aromantic asexual! And if I can finish it (it’s at thirteen pages right now, and I’m near the end, I just—!), I should have a fic exploring him discovering this posted for Pride Month. (Yes, we’re two days out from the end of Pride Month, and I have another fic due on the 30th, and I’m still struggling to finish this, orz.)

But essentially, Alan is as aroace as it is possible to get. He does not feel romantic nor sexual attraction for anyone, period. As I’ve mentioned before, he never once shows any kind of attraction toward anyone during his time on the show, which is notable for the Kalos saga due to how many characters openly and blatantly expressed romantic attraction to others (including Alan’s own papa, what with the way Sycamore blatantly hit on Meyer like that). Alan is aware that romantic and sexual attraction are things that exist for other people—that other people get into relationships and the like—but it’s not something that he ever experiences himself, and usually it’s so far from his mind that he doesn’t even realize when others are hitting on him / when others take the things he says as flirtations (such as, I headcanon that Ayaka thought he was flirting with her in TSME 1 when he said that it was an honor to be complimented by her, but he wasn’t—he just genuinely meant that in a respectful way, because he’s a nice person).

Additionally, while he’s not romance repulsed (he’s not interested, but it also doesn’t skeeve him out), he is sex-repulsed to an extent. Like, it doesn’t bother him that other people have sex, and he doesn’t mind if they talk about it in front of him / doesn’t mind discussions about it, particularly since it’s something that occurs in nature with pokémon and whatnot. It’s a thing that happens. But the idea of having sex or being involved in a sexual act himself is one that does skeeve him out and make him uncomfortable. He’s not only not sexually attracted to others, and is not only not at all interested in participating, but the idea of participating makes him uncomfortable to the point of wanting to up and leave. It’s not a huge, drastic thing, but it still is a thing nonetheless. It’s a part of who he is.

mental illness / neurodivergent headcanon

Right off the bat, he absolutely has complex post-traumatic stress disorder, otherwise known as C-PTSD, as a result of being an abuse survivor. Based on canon alone, he definitely has it as a result of being emotionally abused by Lysandre over a period of years (two in my headcanon, but the exact time frame is unspecified in canon; all we can tell is that it was quite a long time). If we add the backstory I created for him to that, then he had C-PTSD even prior to that as a result of his abusive early childhood in Isolé Village. Living with Sycamore helped mitigate his symptoms and helped him heal considerably (particularly since Sycamore rescued him from Isolé Village when he was so little, and raised him for the seven years following), but when he was recruited into Lysandre’s service, the emotional abuse that Lysandre doled out on him reawakened and exacerbated the symptoms that, while latent, were already there. (Keep in mind, too, that C-PTSD can often strongly resemble a personality disorder when it occurs in childhood / adolescence—it shapes the way one grows and develops, and affects how they come to see and interact with the world. So this isn’t something that can ever be healed completely, nor is it something that will just “go away”. While Alan can and certainly will recover from his trauma, his C-PTSD is something he is going to be living with for the rest of his life, and something that has shaped him as a person.)

In addition to C-PTSD, I do think that he’s prone to clinical depression, as well as an anxiety disorder. His depression, while chronic, tends to not be severe unless it’s working in conjunction with his C-PTSD (in the sense that, his depression is acting up again while he’s also suffering a guilt / shame spiral as a result of his trauma, hence everything is exacerbated and the depression is a lot worse than it would be if it was just the depression acting up on its own). His anxiety, on the other hand, does tend to be more severe, particularly because Alan has the type of brain that never shuts up. Once he gets started thinking about something that stresses him out, he has a difficult time distracting himself from it. He’ll keep thinking about it, and think about it some more, and think about it even more, and this leads him on anxiety spiral that can spiral right down into a panic attack. (Of course, the problem is that Alan also tends to stifle his reactions to things and shut down / close in on himself, so it can be hard to spot. Yes, he’s having a panic attack, but since he shuts down and just goes silent, it can be damn near impossible for others to tell. That said, sometimes his panic attacks get so bad that he actually vomits, so … that’s a little more noticeable, even if he’ll usually try to get somewhere private (or at least with just Lizardon) before it gets to that point.)

So yes, he has C-PTSD, depression, and a major anxiety disorder. Fun times!

3 random headcanons

Only three? Heheh. I’ll try to share three new ones.

At some point in the Immortality AU he gets a massive sycamore tree tattoo on his back. It’s purely in black ink, and is rather stylized, but he got it as a tribute to his father, as well as … well … a reminder of his roots. ;)(… I’ll see myself out.)

He knows how to pick locks. Specifically, he knows how to pick locks with a paperclip. Even more specifically, he knows how to pick handcuff locks with a paperclip, and had to do this once when he was ten (which is also the time he discovered he could figure out how to do this). Yes, there is a story there, and yes, it will be written eventually. But the point is, he can pick other locks, too, if you give him a paperclip and enough time to work it. (And it doesn’t necessarily have to be a paperclip—a bobby pin could work too—but it’s just that a paperclip was what he had on him at the time, when he was ten. He was a lab assistant, what do you expect?)

Alan has various social media accounts, but he hardly uses any of them. Like, he has a Tripter, but he hasn’t updated it in months and probably doesn’t even remember it exists on the regular. He has a FateBook (and has had one for years), but he rarely posts things himself and changes his profile picture once in a blue moon. He does comment on other people’s statuses and the like, but again, his activity there is still pretty minimal, even then. (He’s also very selective about who he adds on FB. He has a very small Friends List, and even though the Friend Requests start piling up (much to his alarm) after he becomes Champion (and tbh he even had quite a few after winning the League), he just kind of … lets them sit.) Manon pestered him until he created a blog on Shakr, and so he does have one there, but … it still has the default theme. He has never posted anything. He never reblogs anything, either. No one even knows it’s his. He’s just not interested.That said, the one social media account that he does update at least semi-regularly? Immedigram. While he rarely adds captions to his photos, he takes a decent amount of pictures with his PokéNav Plus (or whatever the newest model is—Steven makes sure he stays current), and he uploads them to IG whenever he does. He has quite a few followers because, in all honesty, some of the pictures he takes while flying with Lizardon are downright beautiful. (And there are a lot of sky / dawn / dusk / star pictures. He … really likes the sky. It calms him.) So there is that, at least, even if Manon still thinks that his social media participation could use a lot more work. (Steven agrees. Alan just rolls his eyes and ignores them.)

Manon:

sexual orientation headcanon

She’s a lesbian, Harold.

Manon likes girls. She likes pretty girls! And this is something that’s always been a part of her, even before she consciously realized that she had pretty strong crushes on pretty girls right out of the gate. But once she hits her teen years it doesn’t take her long to realize that she really, really likes pretty girls, and from there to realize that she really only likes pretty girls. Like, guys are okay, she guesses—but they just don’t make her heart flutter the way girls do. Moreover, Manon being Manon, once she realizes this about herself she’s pretty okay with it. And by “pretty okay”, I mean that once Manon has a crush on someone, she goes after that person. She is not afraid to outright flirt with someone she is interested in, or outright ask them on a date, or outright tell Alan about how she found her future wife and they are going to get married and adopt three children and he better be her best man at her wedding.

“What’s her last name?” Alan asks.

“I’m—it’s—” Manon waves a hand dismissively. “I’ll get to that part. I’ll find out. It won’t matter ‘cause she’ll take mine, anyway.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What do you mean, ‘uh-huh’? What’s that tone for? Why do you always sound so disbelieving whenever I tell you I’m getting married?!”

“I think you just answered your own question.”

“Hmph! Keep this up, and I won’t let you be my best man!!”

(For the record, he’s not her best man when she gets married. He is the one, given the absence of a father in her life, to walk her down the aisle, though.)

mental illness / neurodivergent headcanon

While I’m by no means an expert on it, I can absolutely see Manon with ADD, as well as dyslexia. She tends to talk fast and jumps from idea to idea, and some of her most common questions have to do with words or vocabulary, which could stem from a difficulty with reading (like, if she has dyslexia + has difficulties focusing on the page, then learning new words could be a challenge). These two things tend to frustrate her and make her feel stupid at times, because if she was smarter she wouldn’t have such problems—but of course she’s not stupid at all. She just has a learning disability / neurodivergence, and that’s okay because she learns in different ways, particularly once she learns how to work around her learning disability / neurodivergence to find the learning styles that work for her.

(Bonus: She had no idea that she had either of those, but Alan noticed her mixing up words / letters when reading or writing, thought it might be dyslexia, and talked to Sycamore about it the next time they talked. The three of them sat down and discussed things, did some research, one thing led to another and that’s how Manon had some pretty big questions answered for her. Who knew.)

3 random headcanons

Manon loves flowers and plants of all types, which is a big part of the reason why she ends up specializing in grass-types (to the point of becoming the grass-type specialist of the Kalosean Elite Four). When she’s older she’s almost always wearing a (fresh) flower crown in her hair, along with hair clips that are shaped like leaves. She also gets flower tattoos along her arms, with each flower representing a different important person in her life. Also, while I always imagined that she would evolve Hari-san into a chesnaught someday, lately I’ve been toying with the idea that maybe he stays a chespin forever, similarly to how Pikachu will forever be Pikachu. People can laugh, but Hari-san can be the most dependable pokémon in Kalos even if he never evolves—he could be strong regardless. I’m not sold on that yet, but I’ve been toying with it lately anyway. (Besides, it’s not like he can mega evolve—that’s for Fushi-kun the venusaur—so there’s no reason why he has to evolve all the way …)

Yvonne ends up becoming her rival. She is high-key outraged when she learns that Alan helped Yvonne pick her starter pokémon / gave her advice. (“Alan, don’t help her, she’s my rival!!”) They end up becoming friends (girlfriends??) later on in life, but it’s a hot rivalry there for a while, particularly since Yvonne picked fennekin, which has a type advantage over … well, Hari-san, but also the rest of Manon’s team.

She gets her ears pierced when she gets older. Let me be more specific: She gets her ears really pierced when she gets older. Not only the standard piercings, but also piercings all the way down her cartilage, on both sides. She doesn’t get gauges, though; those are gross, even to her.

Steven:

sexual orientation headcanon

I’m … not actually sure, to be honest. I really don’t have a firm grasp on Steven; sometimes I feel demiromantic demisexual, but then I also think that he recognized that Sycamore was damn fine when they first met and was only half-joking when he asked Alan if Sycamore was seeing anyone. (And even then, the half-joke just came from the fact that Steven is actually in a happy relationship with Wallace, and wouldn’t pursue Sycamore anyway; he was just curious because, damn, Sycamore might be ten years his senior, but he is still attractive in basically every way.) He obviously doesn’t have a bond with Sycamore at the time, which would suggest that he’s not demisexual, but … I don’t have a clear read on his orientation, still.

That said, it’s entirely possible that he’s still demiromantic, and maybe … pansexual? Homosexual? Allosexual without a clear boundary even though he’s never been attracted to women? Something else?? Like I said, I don’t really have a firm idea here, haha. Maybe I’ll just cheat and say that Steven has never felt the need to identify with anything specific because his feelings are what they are, he’s in a happy relationship for now, that’s all that really matters. He is Not Straight™, and that’s all he knows, and that is all he cares to know, and if anyone wants to have a problem with him not being more specific, they are free to take it up with his metagross.

(No one ever takes it up with Metagross.)

mental illness / neurodivergent headcanon

I don’t really see anything here either, haha. ;; Nothing about his behavior really stands out to me, personally, as reminiscent of a mental illness or neurodivergence. 

(Though that said, now I’m laughing a bit, because when Alan sends out Lizardon to fight the Primal Legendaries in TSME 3, Steven expresses exasperation at how Alan went and just did that without giving any warning, because it’s reckless and dangerous and why can’t Alan at least communicate these plans or ask for help instead of just doing everything by himself, and I just—okay, well, we can’t all be neurotypical, Steven. =P)

3 random headcanons

His relationship with Wallace is straight up childhood best friends to lovers. Wallace was pretty much the only friend he had growing up (because Wallace only ever treated him like Steven, versus treating him like the heir to Devon Corporation), and as such they have a level of emotional intimacy that is nigh unparalleled. That said, they also have a level of comfort with each other that can lead to things like—well, like this. (They really do love each other, but sometimes Steven drives Wallace a little nuts and Wallace is not afraid to let him know.)

 Although he does genuinely love steel-types (and rock-types as well) due to his fondness for precious stones and rocks and the like, part of the reason why he chose to specialize in those types as a child is because he has an allergy to various pokémon dander. The severity of the allergy depends on the pokémon, and to be honest he’s not even entirely sure he knows all of the pokémon he’s allergic to, but when it comes to pokémon with fur, there is a definite risk that if he spends time around them / comes in contact with their dander, he will start to get hives, and might even have some trouble breathing. (This is also part of why he very often wears long sleeves; it creates less risk for him to come in contact with pokémon dander while out and about, and therefore less risk for his allergy to trigger, just in case.) Such an allergy can be treated, of course, but it can also make training difficult (not to mention emotionally painful, if he couldn’t even pet his own pokémon without hives breaking out), so he sticks to pokémon without fur, which thankfully, steel-types and rock-types have plenty of.

He is gorgeous, and he is a fantastic dancer, but he cannot sing for anything. It is said that children have been moved to tears by his singing, and trust me, those are not tears of joy. Never invite him to karaoke night. There will be much regret.

Sycamore:

sexual orientation headcanon

He’s gay. Like, 100% into men only. Although he has always been a rather charming person and finds it easy to charm women (something he often does unintentionally—he can’t help it, he’s just charming by nature!), when it comes to romantic or sexual interest he has only ever been attracted in men. He realized this about himself in his early teen years, and has readily embraced it ever since.

mental illness / neurodivergent headcanon

Sycamore has struggled with chronic depression for pretty much his entire life, the severity of which varies depending on where he is in his life at the time (so like, it was really bad in university, but it’s not nearly as powerful and is much more easily fought in adulthood, when he has his dream job and a happy family). He also has experience with an anxiety disorder, as well as that fun cycle of “I’m too depressed to get up and go to class, but now I’m anxious about failing my classes, and the potential for failure worsens my depression, and my worsened depression increases my chances of failing, which then heightens my anxiety, and …” And so on and so forth. That was a monster to deal with in university, let me tell you. (Fortunately, he wasn’t alone. As much as Fulbert might have grumbled, he did help Sycamore where he could. There’s a reason they remained friends after university, and the fact that Fulbert not only used tough love such as flipping Sycamore’s mattress to get him out of bed in dire circumstances, but also helped Sycamore complete some of his coursework on top of the work Fulbert had to do for his own program, is part of it.)

3 random headcanons

He doesn’t drink very often, but he is the lightest of lightweights when he does. He really only ever drinks wine when he does drink alcohol, but it only takes about two glasses (if that) before he is slap-happy drunk. One time he and Meyer had some wine with dinner (while at home), and that was the first time Meyer had ever seen Sycamore drink, and it was not very long before Sycamore decided that it was time to enact some Risky Business. It was a good night.

He really likes cereal. Like, a lot. Not even just a specific kind of cereal, but all kinds of cereal (well, all kinds of cereal that you eat with milk and a spoon in a baseball helmet bowl, anyway—oatmeal is not really his thing). He will eat it for any meal or snack of the day, and sometimes all of them if he can get away with it and doesn’t have a small child he needs to set an example for. He just … really enjoys cereal, okay.

As notorious as he is for bad fashion, one of his favorite parts of taking Alan in when Alan was five was buying him all kinds of cute little kid clothes and merchandise and things. (I mean, he loves pretty much every aspect of (unofficially) adopting that boy, but you know.) In his eyes, pretty much every article of clothing and accessory available for purchase was absolutely adorable, to the point where he could hardly stand it at times. Like, for instance, one of the shirts Sycamore bought him had a rockruff rolling around on the front, with the words “Rock ‘n’ Roll!” Another one had a cubchoo on it and said “Chill Out!” He bought Alan light-up shoes, and also a plush komala backpack where the actual backpack part of it was the log, which unzipped at the top (the komala was purely a plush). For the orange theme day of Alan’s first Festival de la Vie (when he was still five) he got him a charizard hoodie that had wings on the back, spikes on the head to resemble charizard, and sleeves that ended in clawed gloves (with little holes on the bottoms of the sleeves so Alan could stick his hands through). It also had a detachable flame tail. Alan wore it for weeks and Sycamore probably has about a hundred pictures. But really, though, Sycamore just found all the little kid fashion to be so cute and would spontaneously buy shirts or what have you for Alan for the sole reason that he thought they were cute, and it was honestly one of his favorite things to do. He frickin’ loved it.(Also, I haven’t decided if Kalos has a Halloween equivalent yet, but if they do, imagine that when Alan was five or six, Sycamore decided on a werewolf costume for him, based on rockruff. And because it’s always fun for the parents to dress up to take the kids trick-or-treating too, he dressed up as a werewolf based on lycanroc. PAPA (WERE)WOLF WITH LITTLE (WERE)WOLF PUPPER. ADORABLE. Fulbert threatened to call CPS but Sycamore felt it was #WORTH IT.)

[kansascityhappenings]

‘Discrimination is real’: Transgender bodybuilder wants to lift up his community

https://embed-prod.vemba.io/vemba-embed.js

LOS ANGELES — As a kid growing up in Texas, Ajay Holbrook’s video-game avatars always had a similar look — a bearded dude with tattoos and bulging muscles.

“It’s crazy, because the characters I created literally look like who I am today.”

But as a kid, coming to grips with that true identity was a struggle.

Around the age of 5, when kids are usually focused on kindergarten, Holbrook’s mind was filled with more complex thoughts, such as, “Why don’t I feel like a girl?”

That child with the muscular avatar was assigned a female sex at birth. He remembers sadly looking in the mirror bandaging and taping up his breasts to try and hide them, cutting off his long hair against his mother’s wishes and crying, praying to wake up as boy.

“I always saw myself as a male figure. I was always into sports instead of girly stuff. I would get my dad to buy me boys’ clothes so I could match my brother.”

Ajay started noticing changes in his body after about three months on testosterone. (Photo courtesy Ajay Holbrook)

“Tomboy” was a word that Holbrook heard a lot growing up near Sugar Land, but that seemed to only add to his confusion. He eventually came out as a lesbian to his mother but knew there was something more to what he was feeling. “It was way past just tomboy stuff.”

It wasn’t until he discovered the word “transgender” at 13 years old that his struggle began to make more sense.

“It resonated with me so much. I didn’t know there was something for these feelings. Feelings that have been eating me alive. That day I knew who I was.”

At 17 years old, after six months of gender therapy, Holbrook began taking testosterone and beginning the physical transition to match who he has always felt he has been – Ajay.

Turmoil through transition

The decision, however, didn’t come easy to his parents. His father wasn’t in the picture much and while his mom eventually learned to accept her son, his stepdad was not as accepting.

“He didn’t know I was trans at first and our relationship quickly soured. He was completely unaccepting. Then, one day he lost his cool and beat the absolute crap out of me.”

This was only three months into his transition, so Holbrook still had the frame and build of his younger self.

“I was 97 pounds, literally no muscles. I felt completely defenseless, scared.”

It became a moment where he would turn weakness into strength.

“I came to the conclusion that getting stronger would protect me from any of that ever [happening] again. It was enough motivation to get me serious about bodybuilding.”

Lifting past expectations

Holbrook, now living in Los Angeles, started hitting the gym. And hitting it hard. After being dissatisfied with his body most of his life, he was now ready to sculpt himself toward his idea of the perfect male physique.

Inside the gym, he moves quickly between the bench press, bicep curls and a chest fly machine. He works out at least six days a week for an hour or two at a time.

“My body wasn’t the way I wanted it before. With bodybuilding, I’m able to work and improve myself every day.”

Now 22, Holbrook has bulked up to 150 pounds and lifts around 325-350 lbs on most compound exercises. Besides working on himself, he’s also a personal trainer. But his main career goal right now is establishing himself in the bodybuilding world.

Around the age of 5, when kids are usually focused on kindergarten, Holbrook’s mind was filled with more complex thoughts, such as, “Why don’t I feel like a girl?” (Photo courtesy Ajay Holbrook)

“I want to compete in the Mr. Olympia contest and make a footprint for trans people.”

It’s a lofty goal, but just one of the many challenges he’s facing while trying to lift past the stereotypes of transgender people.

“Discrimination is real in the bodybuilding community. I’ve gotten a lot of inappropriate questions, ugly stares in the locker room. I’ve had people tell me that I’ll never be a real man. There is a lot of misunderstanding. I just try to remember my path.”

And for Holbrook, it comes down to one thing — equality.

“People in the trans community, we just want to navigate life normally like everyone else. That’s literally it.”

Looking in the mirror now, Holbrook sees the version of himself that he used to only see in his video games. No longer sadden by his own reflection, when he looks back in the mirror now, he says only one word comes to mind — “thankful.”

from FOX 4 Kansas City WDAF-TV | News, Weather, Sports https://fox4kc.com/2019/06/07/discrimination-is-real-transgender-bodybuilder-wants-to-lift-up-his-community/

from Kansas City Happenings https://kansascityhappenings.wordpress.com/2019/06/08/discrimination-is-real-transgender-bodybuilder-wants-to-lift-up-his-community/