#it's been a few days so you don't have to worry abt me but tomorrow's the funeral and i should be in bed

[hannahwashington]

ALSO IM JUST NOTICING YOUR HEADER IMAGE. I LOVE IT SO MUCH gundham danganronpa and crash bandicoot (is that his name im sorry) real. also btw feel free to talk abt th emountain experience bc i dont think i ever asked yet

YES HIS NAME IS CRASH BANDICOOT ive honestly BEEN waiting for someone to comment on my header it is one of my favourite images ever (thanks @horatios-mom). it's like a sequel to the era when i had lesbian crash bandicoot as my icon. i'm only through the prologue of sdr2 but i have been obsessed with gundham for Years,. i barely know the guy but i love him. i will Know More Soon. and trust i will be So mentally ill about him and also the series. i already Am i am just waiting to finish the games to post about them.

anyway MOUNTAIN EXPERIENCE. OH BOY. where to begin.

let me take you back to a time when a wide-eyed 17 year old Archie got traumatised by a mountain. sit back, relax, and follow along my recounting of an experience i found so horrible, i had to vent by projecting onto my favourite blorbos at the time. Don't worry, I am more than comfortable with sharing this story, and with hindsight know exactly where to direct my anger with what happened.

It's March 2020. I'm in my second-last year of high school. every year my school takes the people in this specific grade to a leadership camp to teach a variety of skills and stuff to prepare them for the next year, when they will be school leaders basically. this leadership camp happens to culminate in a hike up the Drakensberg, where we sleep overnight, then come back down and go back home.

To be Quite frank. I was Very Excited for this trip. the more school-related activities not so much, but getting the chance to hang out with my classmates outside of school and the hike were what excited me. I'm not the most fit person, but i loooove me a good nature walk.

So it's a few days before the hike. they take us out to a bunch of activities and it's pretty fun. we did an adventure park thing and i was in the middle of a massive tarzan fixation so when i went on a giant rope swing i did his iconic yell. there were ziplines. once when i went down a line i forgot to brake and SMACKED into the mattress on the tree. so that was fun. here's the thing though. they made us walk everywhere. and these weren't easy strolls, they were hikes in and of themselves. i can't speak for anyone else, but the days leading up to the hike were PAINFUL. my feet were so fucking sore and we hadn't even gone near the mountain yet.

Then they hit us with the "yeah we're pushing back the hike by a day because it's gonna be pissing buckets tomorrow." which, duh, of course it's gonna be pissing buckets, it's the drakensberg, it's kinda known for that. but also, that means another day of walking, another day of worsening the condition of my feet. i felt like sam from death stranding when you let him walk barefoot everywhere. it's around here where you might start recognising elements from the fic snippets i posted, by the way.

so the next day like the absolute ass he is, the headmaster (who joined us for. some reason) made us hike up a mini-mountain to 'prepare us' or something. he was a horrible person for completely unrelated reasons and this logic is totally and completely backwards. anyway, after THAT nightmare, we went tubing down a nearby river. this WAS fun. i went down the river multiple times even though my feet hurt like shit. i had to get my fleeting joy somewhere during this trip-turned-nightmare. everyone had fun except this one girl who was not lucky at all. at the end of the river there's a small drop and 99% of the time when you get there you fall out of your tube. she was one of these people, and was really unlucky as she ended up cutting her foot on a rock. she had to be pulled out of the river by a few of the boys.

now then you would THINK she would go home because of this. kind of a bad idea to hike up a mountain with a cut up foot. but no, like the madwoman she is, she decides to pull through. i respect her so much for it.

Anyway, next day comes, my feet are basically throbbing so bad it's like my heart practically lived in them, not even to mention the soreness in my legs. again - i was NOT fit. i was so nervous i could barely eat breakfast. i tried to twist it into something positive by being like "tehe i'm going up a mountain like my favourite teenaged blorbs" but it really was Not helping. sooooo we get to the foot of the mountain and get ready to go. a couple of girls left and missed the hike because they had a netball tournament or something. to this day i wonder if they realise Just how lucky they got.

This is the part i remember most vividly. the Worst part. we set off on our mountain adventure, and i repeat this mantra: keep pace with the person in front of you. which goes great for all of two minutes until like a whole five days of walking absolutely nonsensical distances catches up to me and i slow down and down and down until everyone has passed me and oops! i've stopped completely. my legs are Begging to be put out of their misery and i am Rooted To The Spot. to cut a long ass panic attack short eventually someone comes back to pick me back up and Get Me Up This Stupid Mountain. it wasn't sam unfortunately, it was the drama teacher, but he was a pretty cool person and probably most comforting adult there, so perfect to deal with me in that moment.

he tells me about setting little goals for myself, like finding a specific rock and making my way to it. break the whole hike down into thousands of little baby steps. this way, i actually started to make progress, little by little, until we break the tree line. i can't remember if this moment was in the snippets i posted, but i look up and see the rest of my classmates above me, and when they notice us they start whooping and cheering and singing break my stride (which is kinda the theme song of the trip, ngl). i was still kinda in hysterics so i yelled at them to shut up. looking back, i appreciate it so so much. anyways, the drama teacher and i carry on with our baby steps.

when i've calmed down enough i start talking. i can't remember if he told me to talk to get my mind off of things or if i started on my own, but in any case i just start talking. i know specifically i brought up treasure planet - my all time favourite movie - and he told me he hadn't heard of it. another fanfic snippet moment here: i did, in fact, rant to him about midsommar. i remember specifically talking about the daylight horror aspect and how the black bars could've been white instead to emphasise just how bright and sunny the film is. also at some point we passed random people on the road who didn't speak english and for some reason, to this day i still have no idea why, the drama teacher told me that he thinks those dudes were drug smugglers and using the trail to get drugs over the border. anyways.

eventually, after so, so long, we make it to the top. not the end of the hike, far from it, but the vertical climb is over. you see, this specific trail has like two hours of a horrible vertical climb, but after that, it's a basically-flat trail. not that that would make it any easier but anyway, i thought that the worst was over. from our position we could see the rest of the group, who were all resting by a fork in the path - a significant landmark. eventually we catch up to everyone, and if my fic is to be trusted, everyone started clapping and cheering and singing again, this time 500 miles (hardy har). this is one of the only details in the fic where i can't tell whether i made it up or if it's actually based on what happened. when i sat down, guess what, legs wanted to shrivel up and die, what else is new, but what really struck me was that Literally Everyone Was In The Same Position. some were crying. some were staring into space with cold, dead eyes. Nobody was having a good time. how foot-cut girl was even still here was what shocked me the most. again, CUT IN HER FOOT, it was PRETTY SUBSTANTIALLY SIZED. even so she did Not look good.

drama teacher had gone to talk to all the other adults about our (my and the injured girl's) predicament. we were in No position to carry on with the hike. (i'd argue nobody was but i digress). it was a full-blown argument from what i remember, and when the adults tried to talk to us they kept on interrupting each other. one kept trying to offer a way down, but another teacher (who championed this leadership camp btw, to put this into perspective) was Adamant we continue and simply sleep at the closer campsite.

You can probably guess what ended up happening.

The break just honestly made me feel Worse about moving, and my mentality obviously wasn't the best, and i sorta just really started missing home at this point, but i had to keep going. since it was flat this time i could actually keep some sort of pace, though head leadership camp teacher complained whenever i slowed down too much (actual villain of the story in hindsight). eventually we make it to one of the campsites.

Here's how the camps worked. every year the group split into two - boys and girls - and rotated each year on who went to each of the two campsites. one camp was by a river, the other by a cave. so, one year the boys would go to the cave and the girls to the river, and the next year they would switch. this year the girls were supposed to go to the cave. guess what. it's the further camspite - a good extra... i dunno, hour of walking? obviously injured girl and i couldnt do that. issue is, you need a tent to camp riverside - we obviously didnt have one. however someone, an actual god among men brought an extra tent with him. i never spoke to that kid. but he made it so we didn't have to suffer as much. so i hold a sort of affection for him.

so, the group splits and we finally, FINALLY get our chance to rest. properly. let me tell you, river water has never and i mean NEVER felt so good. i think i spent like a solid hour soaking my feet. the boys - who. somehow had energy after all THAT - made a dam out of rocks. one guy was taking pictures. i never took my own pictures of the mountain, even though the view was beautiful. i was in too much pain to care. i took a Single picture related to the hike itself, and i'll share that at the end of this thrilling tale. that evening after dinner, i snacked morosely and watched at least half of happy death day on my phone. maybe an episode of unbreakable kimmy schmidt, though i don't now for sure about that one. injured girl and i shared that extra tent.

oh yeah, and guess what. it ended up pissing buckets during the night. shocker.

anyway the next day comes and the walk back is worse. one of the other teachers decides to use 'tough love' on me - which was basically yelling at me and failing really badly at being encouraging. honestly would have preferred being tossed off the mountain instead because it just made me Very Distressed but anyway. what was nice was that this time for the walk injured girl and i were at the front of the line setting the pace. and also two of the boys, two absolute GENTLEMEN were walking with us and leading us. you know me, i'm a lesbian, but god i could've kissed them for what they did for us. (i did not but you get my point).

surprisingly the vertical climb down was the easiest part. the really, really vertical part anyway - which was mostly near the top. so easy that a few boys raced ahead of the group... and ended up taking a wrong turn and getting lost. more on them later. when we dipped into the treeline it felt like we were so close yet so far, SO close to ending this suffering, but every single turn without the tar road in sight made me fall deeper and deeper into despair. i think i literally yelled out "MERCY!" at some point. anyway when we did finally get to the road i started crying as we made our way back to the bus that would take us home.

everyone started taking showers, blessed, cold showers at the public bathrooms, and washing myself of the whole experience felt Wonderful. except it wasn't quite done insulting me just yet.

So. the day before we put our suitcases in the bus that would take us home. what they neglected to tell us was that we needed Everything we'd need for that day and the following day on our person. which means they wouldn't be taking our bags out of the bus, not even if we REALLY needed something. i didn't have my flip flops on me. i had put the shoes i had hiked in away (and also they were like sopping wet which is disgusting). it was hot as fuck and the parking lot outside was all gravel. i had to walk in that barefoot.

insult to injury.

i got myself ice cream. tried not to cry. we all had to wait for like half an hour as the lost boys made their way back to us (i can't remember if a teacher had to go back onto the path to find them or not). borrowed drama teacher's flip flops which were hilariously oversized. and then, literally RIGHT as everyone was boarding the bus to leave. i whip out my phone and grab the one and only picture i have related to the hike itself.

it was a long drive back to my home province. i put on some music, cuddled my pillow and tried to sleep. i mostly just tried not to sob. out of pain, relief, anguish - whatever. since it was a long drive, we stopped at a strip mall that's a really common sort of stopping station for people doing drives like this, such as to use the bathroom. another school happened to be pulled up as we stopped by here, and a girl gave me the filthiest, most judgmental look i have EVER seen because i was barefoot. i honestly don't blame her.

it was dark by the time we got back to the school. i did, in fact, cry when i saw my family. the very next day - no exaggeration, i'm 99% sure it was the VERY next day - it was announced that schools would be closing and the country would be going into lockdown due to covid. which means i got to spend the next, like, two weeks recovering instead of thinking about school. i think one of the days after i got back i watched interstellar. i was on a bit of a sci-fi kick. it was okay.

here's that picture i took outside the bus before we left for home.

people Did see me take this. a couple of my classmates made jokes about how they relate and at least one gave me a high five.

anyway, that's the story of my Mountain Experience™. again, more than comfortable sharing this story as i think it's quite important with understanding me and we know who to blame for putting us through this. i've had chats with other alumni who came before me and they had their Own nightmarish experiences with this camp, which makes me wonder how it continued being a thing for so long.

[eevyerndracaneon]

Hey, I don't mean to intrude or anything, being a stranger on the internet and all. Don't feel the need to answer this ask or anything but, I just hope you can hear me out and maybe something I say can help a bit... I've seen some of your posts today, I'm sorry you're going through the ringer. I've got a good couple of friends who deal with the very similar struggles and whatnot, so I just wanted to say pretty much what I always tell them regarding some of what you're feeling. I dunno your specific situation, and I know a lot of things are way more difficult to just outright fix than some people will say it is, so I'll keep this more general. And some of what I will say you might already know, but I feel they bear repeating. First off, your worth as a person is not tied to your ability to make money, or work a job or anything like that. You are a person, and that makes you valuable. No person or thing can ever take that from you. Second, never feel bad about wanting to interact with your friends and loved ones. Even if you're in a bad mood, I'm sure they'd love to spend time with you. Social needs are just as important as any other need, so do not feel guilty of them, and don't hole yourself up if that's not what you need right now. A friend of mine (and I do also to an extent) does this all the time and after they always reflect that it only hurt them.

Third, I'm sorry about whatever issues you're dealing with, with family or otherwise, I know how difficult that can be. There are no easy solutions, but, like, you just gotta keep carrying on, you know? Even if there's no option out today, there might be one down the road. On a lighter note, I think your art style is charming! I think you could get some commission work if that's something you wanted to do, it's less on your skill and more on confidence and a bit of luck, I think. Even if today sucks, it doesn't define you tomorrow and not all days will be like this. None of what you're going through defines you or your worth as a person. You've got this, and your friends and loved ones have your back. Keep on being you, A concerned stranger

ah right i did vent really hard on here huh, thanks for sending this out-

i've been vague overall with my posts bc im just going thru it today so some of what you've said doesn't apply but i can't fault you for it, since i didn't rly explain anything

i've tried for a few years now to have art as a job that i could maybe help pay for rent with if i ever moved out, but i just didn't get enough comms to even get to that point. u-u i'd LOVE to just draw for money but it just didn't rly work out the way i expected. maybe i'll give it another shot, i dunno (I'd have to increase my prices again for 2023....)

the house i live in rn is the one belonging to my partner's family. so i live with my partner. my boyfriend is long distance (i'm polyam if that hasn't come across with some of my posts) and i desperately wish i could live with him as well. my partner's family is amiable, but not exactly super friendly or welcoming. especially not if i was openly trans. (they have a trans daughter but refuse to treat her with respect so she cut herself out of their life years ago) my life is kinda trapped in my partner's room, in a corner, so i really don't feel like i have a home. it sucks, but at least im surviving and have a roof over my head and food to eat and warmth in the cold and cool in the heat.

you're completely right on the social front. i think a lot of us forget this. my boyfriend and a friend of mine both reached out to me an hour or so ago bc they were worried abt how i wasnt around like, at all, and i basically got the same thing from them. "its okay to be around, we can try cheering you up"

and finally the big one. i understand capitalism is trash for making us all think we need to make money to deserve life. i hate that i need to make money to be able to live on my own. luckily im not sitting here thinking im worthless solely bc i cant get a job or make money. but i need money to get a place to live in on my own, apartments need rent, houses need mortgage payments, and then food and bills and all that crap. i need a job for that to get pulled off. and i've been trying to get a job! i've been applying to places since the beginning of december! but no place has accepted me. i've gotten like three interviews. nothing else. its just really infuriating. all of my friends, even my boyfriend, are getting new opportunities, new places to live, new goals new motivations new everything. and im just kinda stuck.

today was really hard. all of these feelings welled up over the past half a year and i think just finally crushed me into the dirt today.

so its just kind of a sad day. im doing what i can now to make it better even if only by a little bit. but oof.

thank you anon for popping in and checking up on me, it means a lot <3

[vampireloverz]

i am sick and tired of having feelings. from now on i will only think abt dick and puthy. rn specifically mirio's dick in the puthy <3

cw. dubcon somno? chikan???

he'd be an absolute menace on public transportation, has no shame whatsoever. you're taking the train home together from the agency you both work at, after a long day of hero work you just wanna collapse but unfortunately all the train's seats are taken by other sleepy passengers, so you and mirio just stand up. he insists he stay behind you and act as a cushion instead of letting your pretty head bump against the train door, in your tiredness you agree.

he's warm, hair still a bit damp from the shower he took after his patrol. he smells of sun with a bit of his cologne still on him, and what's worse is that he really does make a good cushion. firm yet soft enough to lie against comfortably, and even if you voice your concerns abt being too heavy or hurting him he just pulls you closer to lean on him more. "don't worry about it! you look way more tired than i am anyway," with his cheerful voice and 1000 kilowatt smile, you wouldn't think he'd been out hero-ing all day, and the undeniable ache of your body makes his offer all the more enticing. you mumble out a sweet, sleepy thank you and nuzzle your face into the crook of his neck.

"god," he thinks, "you'll be the death of me." the classic office outfit hugs your curves in all the right places, he swears he can feel every curve too. no one else in the train would notice, everyone is just as tired as you are. i mean of course they wouldn't notice, if they did, they'd have said something half an hour ago.

he's been rocking his hips, pounding away at your cunt with you and all the other passengers none the wiser. your skirt is in place, no zippers to be heard, could just be mirio shifting to be more comfortable. but of course it isn't, he's been waiting for this moment since the day you walked in with that tight little skirt and an even tighter little pussy.

he used his quirk to phase his dick through both of your clothes, and you'd only asked abt it once, voicing your concern over a weird stretching feeling in your stomach. he froze in his tracks, even pulling out a few inches as he tried to laugh it off, "you've been running around the city all day, i'd be surprised if there was something that didn't ache." you giggle and nod, easily drifting back into sleep. it's only when the rise and fall of your chest steadies again does he sink his full length back in, breathing a sigh of relief and kissing your forehead as he thanks you for being so gullible.

the train arrives at your stop, he gently shakes you awake and guides you into the station as you slowly regain consciousness. at this point you have to part as your houses are in different directions. he gives a fond wave and an all too enthusiastic "see ya tomorrow!" as you walk away with a trail of white dripping down your thigh.

IM SORRY THIS GOT SO LONG...... ILY SIGNING OFF!!!! —Ray 🤍

omfg hdncjkdbddkc OTL your mind is so huge im….. wow @_@ hes so scummy i love him !! 🥺

[wormsmith]

Hello!! How are you? Can I ask for a Tolkien match-up please? Here's a few things about me:

- I am a Virgo

- I love housework (especially cooking, tidying up, cleaning and decorating) but would never choose to be a housewife

-genderqueer pansexual

-im a cat person

- Booksmart

-Clumsy AFFF

- I play the flute and learn music theory

- I can be ruthless defending myself and friends

- I either have a extra-caring or idgaf attitude, no in-between

- trust issues, anxiety, mommy issues, disorderly eating, daddy issues - the whole lot

- plus size and v insecure ABT it

- curly hair

- on the shorter side of average height

-kids tend to love me, and I do them, but I'm not very family oriented

I hope these are enough.. thank you!!! Have a nice day!

Your top picks were Tauriel, Thorin, and Dwalin, but ultimately I match you with . . .

Bilbo!

Two Bilbo matches in a row idk what that's about

He takes a liking to your empathetic side before your i-don't-care attitude, but after a little while of knowing you, he starts to appreciate the strength of that part of you, too.

Please defend him. I beg you. He's a people pleaser to extreme degrees, he is incapable of standing up for himself. He will swoon if you defend him in a situation where he can't manage to do so for himself.

He appreciates your practicality at times, as he can very easily get caught up and indecisive about things, or worry too much about what people think. He's more than willing to take turns easing your anxiety, as long as you help him with his.

He appreciates any skill that someone invests their time into, but he's particularly fond of someone who invests time in instruments, particularly gentle sounding ones, like harps, violins, or wind instruments. He finds the flute quite captivating, and will instantly lose focus on whatever he's doing when you start to play, getting absolutely lost in your music. He will clap when you are done playing even if you are the only two in the room. It's very cute.

Bilbo would never expect you to do housework, but he loves keeping his space clean, and he also genuinely enjoys tidying up! You two would probably have a great time spring cleaning together. He would ask you for help rearranging furniture occasionally, just because he knows you enjoy it as much as he does.

Side note - living with Bilbo may help you with your disordered eating a bit. He's fairly strict with meal times, and he loves to cook for his beau. He's likely to help you stick to eating a little more regularly.

I feel like Bilbo's approach to gender is very much live and let live. There are times when your gender is fully incomprehensible to him, but by god, he has the spirit. Will give you anything you want, be it dresses, suits, makeup, etc. You can have all the gender, he loves you so much.

P.S. if someone else takes a negative stance on the way you present (or generally any negative stance on you at all, actually), Bilbo will puff up like a little cat, defending you by scolding whoever they are and immediately taking you away from them. No need to waste your time with cruel people, he says. (He may be small but he's quietly fuming. You might actually need to calm him down xD )

Speaking of cats, Bilbo's approach to animals is extreme hesitance, followed by extreme love, given enough time. Cats are curious creatures he thinks, and he'll gladly admire them from far away, thank you very much. And then two weeks later, he'll be doting on that cat like there's no tomorrow. He will do this routine with every single cat he meets, ever.

Books!! You're both very fond of literary adventures, and he wouldn't be at all opposed to collecting an entire library with you! Loves to ask your opinion on things he's read, or offer suggestions on books he thinks you would enjoy.

Bilbo is very similar to you on the subject of kids. He's been a bachelor for a while, after all, but he loves telling his stories to the young hobbits at parties. He loves that you get along with children, but there's no pressure at all to have little ones of your own.

Thanks Yavanna every day that you aren't very tall. Not that he would mind if you were! He's just happy he doesn't have to exert a bunch of effort to give you kisses.

On that note, you may not be the hobbit partner that the Shire would expect him to pair up with, but he loves you dearly, in all of your differences. Your culture and your appearance are both beautiful to him. He's got a lifelong mission to prove to you that you're beautiful, no matter how large or small, or different you are. Your uniqueness is to be celebrated! It's what makes you, you! And he loves you, he says. (You will be getting these abrupt impassioned speeches every so often. You'll have to get used to it xD)

Thank you for sending an ask! I hope you enjoyed your response!!

[sluttyten]

Hi! (Here comes long questions excuse me) I'm in a writing club at my uni, and in a few days we've presentation abt our favorite writers and I hope you don't mind ☺️ It just questions about writing not your private life so don't worry 🤗 Ok so question 1. How did you start to write? 2. How long have you been writing stories? 3. What genre do you like? 4. What inspires you? 5. When you can't continue or can't start a new story, what do you do? 6. How does writing affect you?I hope you see a

I don’t know if there was more to the message it seems like it kinda cut off and I never got another message to follow this one, but to answer your questions (and also thank you!!):

1. I’ve enjoyed reading books for as long as I can remember, I loved the play of stories in my mind like little movies, and one day I realized that I could do that too, I could write stories and I didn’t just have to read those that others had written.

2. I was really young when I started writing. I’m not sure exactly how old, but judging by the bad quality of my handwriting in the first real story I wrote, I would guess I was about 6 or 7, maybe 8 years old. It was a silly little short story about three pages long, not much to it really, but after that I don’t think I’ve ever stopped writing.

3. I really prefer reading young adult type books that fall within the fantasy, science fiction, or kinda dystopian categories. Writing goes pretty much the same, stories I try to write (outside of fanfiction of course) usually fall into those three genres.

4. Anything can inspire me, it depends on what ideas I’ve already subconsciously started forming. I tend to pull from things like elements of other stories I’ve read that I liked, scenes from movies that catch my eye, locations I see in real life and wonder if I could base a story there. Sometimes it’s just something as simple as the weather, sometimes it’s something I hear someone say. Inspiration comes from everywhere.

5. Getting stuck in a story because of writer’s block or for whatever other reason is really awful. If the story feels like it’s not actually going anywhere or if I feel I don’t know how to continue it from a certain point, I usually just take a step back, move on to something else to distract me from that problem, and when I’ve been away for a little while I’ll go back and see if I have come up with a solution on how to fix where I was stuck. And if the issue is more along the lines of me not being able to produce anything because my writing brain is frozen, I’ll look to those sources of inspiration: read books, watch movies and shows, search the internet and my life for little images or stories that might spark inspiration in me

6. Writing has affected me immensely. It has changed my life and shaped me. Writing makes me happy, makes me feel alive and full, like I have all of these worlds and lives inside of me that are just begging and pushing to be set loose. Writing has introduced me to new people, has given me something to talk with strangers and friends alike. Writing makes me feel like there is always a possibility for a new tomorrow if I just turn the page and keep on writing.

[dork-with-a-uke]

i'm not sure exactly how to explain this but i feel like i'll die soon (well 'soon' is a bit of an exageration). i mean, i'm not going to kill myself tomorrow or next week, or even next month. but i feel like i won't be alive to see the end of this year. i really don't want to bother you with this, i feel like i'll come off as i'm just trying to get attention or smth, even though i'm as far from asking for attention as one could possibly be, but i can't talk to anyone else. i try to ignore (1/?)

these thoughts, but every day i feel like i’m just trying to ignore the inevitable. i honestly don’t see any point in my life. it seems these days that my back up plan for everything is dying. i don’t care about anything - my grades, going to university, finding a job. it all seems pointless, because why bother, when i’ll be too dead to have to worry abt such stuff. besides, this ‘normal’ life really isn’t what i want, it actually terrifies me. idk, man, i don’t want to make it such a big (2/?)

deal, but i honestly don’t see any point to keep going on. ik people say that it gets better and you just have to hold on just a little longer, but i truly don’t think that my life could get better. i’ll graduate (in a few months), i’ll have to find a job and go to university, and i’ll just get worse (from mental POV - depression, anxiety, self-harm, etc) with every day, until one day i won’t be able to take it anymore. i can literally feel a weight on my chest from thinking about the (3/?)

future, because i feel how much worse i’ll get and than at one point end everything. ik my family and friends will miss me and i feel like i’m being so selfish for wanting to die, but i can’t help it. things get better, but i truly don’t believe that this will be the case for me too. i really want to die, i just still don’t have the energy (and guts, tbh) to actually do it, but one day in the future…i don’t want to bother you, so if that’s to much for you, feel absolutely free not to answer.

—

first of all, I want to apologise for how long it took me to answer this; you really deserved a quicker answer and tumblr honestly didn’t help

second of all, i think I understand what you mean when you say you don’t see a point; I’d love to tell you that what exactly the point of life (in general) is, but I honestly have no idea. The thing is, you need to create your purpose. It’s been a long time since I’ve first been acquainted with this concept and I never really figured out whether you were supposed to create your purpose or find it, as those two are still very different ways of saying it.

I’m going to talk about myself for a sec, because, well, what I feel is the only thing I can be sure of: i don’t see myself in the future. I don’t see myself as a uni student, don’t see myself in a relationship, much less in a job or have a family. I don’t know what that translates to but honestly it barely worries me and I just realised that we might not be that different after all?

I’m not going to repeat what you’ve already heard thousands of times and tell you that it’s worth it to hang on -and I say it because I mean it, and you have to trust me that I mean every word I say- but it’s okay to live day to day. Live for today, and don’t worry too much about the future right now. I know it’s hard not to do that when everyone around you is getting uni offers and making plans but if that is best for you, then please do that. Live today.

I haven’t been to university yet so I’m not speaking from experience but I am sure that university puts you in a different setting and will not necessarily worsen your mental state, you know?

The last thing I can tell you is that I want you to live. I know it’s silly of me to say that, it might sound stupid or even cliché to you but I want you to give yourself a chance. I know you’re strong enough to carry on, and I want you to be able to thank yourself later on for having had the courage to live on. I need you to stay. I love you, friend. Know that you can come to me anytime you need.

[bixiaoshi]

So like everything was alright I'm feeling kinda meh in the last few days but you know too many things to do we all get kinda overwhelmed this time of the year but like I'm starting to have NO expectations for the future anymore even tho i've been going to therapy for some time now like I constantly feel that i'm failing things and that i'm not good enough for anything and in general things just DON'T WORK for me and now i'm feeling anxious all over again and it's the day before christmas so +

+ i really don't want to ruin anyone's holiday but I feel like i have no one to talk to and I'm starting to feel like life's just not for me (which makes me want to k*** myself and I can't even do this bc I think about other people too much even tho I don't think someone would actually care) so I don't know what to do

okay first of all its completely fine to feel like this this time of the year. you came to me, thats a big step, believe me or not, you seeked for someone and even if it wasnt someone physically close to u you came to me. i cant tell u to stop feeling anxious bc . it doesnt work like that lmao i know

now abt feeling not good enough, sometimes u dont have to even be good at stuff just, enjoy it, find something YOU feel good doing, fuck being good, if u feel its bad even but you LIKE it, ENJOY it then thats good enough

and about the future, god do i know about that. but u dont have to plan years ahead you know? sometimes months is okay, the few next weeks is fine, hell even just planning for tomorrow is alright. theres no rush so try to not worry that little mind of urs, okay?

one last thing, dont k*** urself okay? u have to keep living to pet dogs!! to see the pretty flowers!!! for the next song your favorite artist is gonna release!!! and please dont feel you have no one to talk to, i mean you came to me didnt you? i’m someone aint i?