#it's been literal 5 months since i last had true motivation to draw | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

woozisnoots · 4 years

Text

modest jeon wonwoo

° pairing: wonwoo x reader ° genre: university!au, host club!au, fluff ° word count: ~1.7k ° warnings: none! ° a/n: this had no business being this long and idek if i like it lol but I want to specifically dedicate this piece to @wonwoosimp bc she’s literally the sweetest, best bean in the world [insert uwu meme here] thank you for gifting me my very first photocard, I literally cried opening it! I love you so much, I hope you enjoy!

welcome to the svt host club!

masterlist!

you entered university with a certain goal, a purpose. eventually, you were going to be the pediatric surgeon that the 13 year old you ushered you to be.

…let's just hope the knowledge of your brain was enough to get you through the first four years of pre-med. with your 3.7 high school GPA, you were lucky to get into your first choice college, let alone your current major

from the start of the semester, you dedicated yourself to studying the anatomy and physiology of the body until you knew every nook and cranny there was to know. and the library was the perfect sanctuary to get your shit together

as much as you loved your roommates, their constant fights over closet space and boy toys gave you no peace of mind what-so-ever

bless the library for being opened 24/7. If your roommates found you sleeping on their only working desk, you would find yourself waking up to the sound of tripping freshmen trying to get to their first 8am class right in the middle of the hallway

but the lone table in the corner of the library just on the third floor did you good at staying focused. even provided some good naps in between every now and then

the day before your first anatomy test, you LOCKED yourself in the library. no one was going in OR OUT of the premise just to sit across from you on YOUR table until you fully memorized the different layers of epithelial tissue >:(

gosh, you even scattered all your notes across the table just so people got the memo that this seat was: [OFF LIMITS]

yes, off limits to everyone except a certain jeon wonwoo.

the way you met was abrupt to say the least

besides your table, you had a pretty good view of the entire campus — from the main health science building all the way to the student parking lot

and just below you, an astonishing sight of a mob of screaming girls chasing after a mouse guy in glasses. not to be inconsiderate and heartless, but unless you heard someone scream bloody murder, diving back into your flashcard you go

tissue after tissue, you start to get delusional because at this point, everything is starting to look the same

slumping down into your chair, you take a second to mentally recharge, drinking the water you’ve neglected for the past three hours

you time yourself for a five minute break, going through the notifications on your phone

before you could read your roommate’s ongoing ramble on the latest update of the “crazy good looking, god-like, elite host club that the university has to offer”

a ‘club’ that you didn’t even know anything about nor cared for

you hear a loud ‘thud’ coming from the bookcase in front of you

from the side the tall, lean guy with glasses that you saw earlier emerged with his hands gripping his tricep

you try not to draw too much attention to him. half the reason being you didn’t want to embarrass him by laughing at the fact he ran into a 10 feet tall bookcase

and you did not need this man distracting you. it’s your eight week streak being this productive, a new record for anything you’ve done in your entire life and your pride wouldn’t let you have it if you lost it just because you saw an attractive man on sight

you scribble down a decent guess to the tissue identification question that you’ve been stuck on for the past few minutes, not bothering to look up

“that’s actually dense connective tissue, not smooth”

jolting up from your seat, you look up realizing the guy 5 feet away is now right in front of your face looking down at all your papers

“you can tell because they’re striated”

you stare at him in disbelief wondering how he could have gotten so fast with just looking at it for a few seconds. eyeing him up and down, he definitely looked around the same age as you but he wasn’t someone you’ve seen around the science buildings. and you would know since you took the liberty of familiarizing almost everyone within the department

“do you mind if i sit here?” his hands already on the edge of the chair ready to pull it out from underneath him

“...yeah sure”

“oh i’m wonwoo by the way,” he says as you both exchange awkward stares and knowledgeable nods

okay well since he’s proven that he might be of help to you, you might as let him stay. from what you’ve gathered, he didn’t have any stuff on him aside from his phone that you watch him get out of his front pocket, getting ready to play pacman

forget how attractive he is, this guy has some brains.

for the rest of the day, as you guys sat across from each other, wonwoo would occasionally bounce back and forth between giving you study tips and playing whatever game he decides to play at that moment in time

he was surprisingly really good at this? he knew more things about the subject than your professors did, and that’s saying a lot. like you’ve been looking at cells for WEEKS and you were lucky to get at least half of them. which begs the question:

“how do you magically know all this?”

the blank expression on his face tells you he wasn’t expecting that question but he quickly shrugs it off. “i just know a few things from my parents that’s all”

you would have questioned him further but the time on your phone read “22:57” and you already broke your number rule about sleeping early before a big test

as you pack up all your stuff, wonwoo pushes his chair in, bidding you farewell

“good luck on your test tomorrow!”

you appreciate the gesture, mentally thanking him for his help and proceed to go back to your dorms, preparing yourself to tell your roommate all about the exciting? day you had

“YOU MORON. JEON WONWOO?”

laying flat on your back on your bed, you cover the bottom half of your face, quivering under your sheets as you stare at your roommate’s outrageous outburst

you explain what happened and who you met today at the library. when your roommate asked to describe him in more detail, all you said was that he was pretty smart for someone who wasn’t particularly in your major

your roommate lets out a loud scream into their pillow, gripping the bed sheets before giving you the earful of the century

“he’s just being modest. he’s a korean lit major but he’s one of the uni’s top students since both his parents are the head of the science department.

…AND he’s one of the most requested host club members. so you caught yourself one big fish today bud.”

top student? science department? HOST CLUB? none of that was processing in your brain. the one club that you wanted nothing to do with and you just happened to meet their top money maker

grand.

the thought didn’t keep you up at night only because you thought that today’s encounter was just coincidence and you probably would never have to see him again.

(sad though, your roommate was right. he is rather good looking.)

the time that it took for you to take your test the next day flew by so fast that you questioned if it even happened. the first step you took out the classroom, you start to second guess all your answers, regretting that you didn’t check a third or even fourth time before submitting

your train of thought halts when you see jeon wonwoo standing in the empty hallway

“i’m sure you aced it”

and just like in a netflix original romance movie, he reveals a bouquet of pink begonias from behind his back while shyly adjusting his glasses

“these are for you. to congratulate you”

weird way to phrase it but you were still gonna take the flowers. “host club tendencies?”

“so you found out?”

from a distance, you can hear the rushing footsteps from downstairs followed by a sense of purpose. “i think i was bound to” :/

you didn’t know how you felt about the current situation. you had no idea what host club was until you got here and you still don’t know what they even do. for all you knew, this could just be a gesture to get them more clients

but if his actions were genuine… you wouldn’t mind seeing him again

“i have to start learning muscles for our next exam. heard it was one of the hardest ones. i’m not sure if you have more studying tricks up your sleeve?”

“i might.” a cocking little grin now appearing on his face

“good. same place at the library tomorrow then. and this time? try not to bring your dedicated fans wherever you go”

so these study sessions continued. you guys occasionally had to change spots - from cafe to an empty bio lab - if the mob ever saw a single hair follicle that might be his

but each time, wonwoo brought something more just himself. one day it would be coffee, others days it would be food. things to keep you motivated.

for a korean lit major, he was taking a lot of time out of his day to help you, being attentive to all the strategies that help you study and such

possibly making your assumption from months back, true.

by the time finals rolled around, aside from the spursts of review here and there, study sessions became more casual. you didn’t feel the need to overwork our brain since you already knew all the information (something you actually learned from wonwoo himself)

possibly the last meeting you’d have with him was similar to your first: just you two together but him playing on his phone. and yet before the night ended

“i have a proposal.”

“i’m not giving you money for your dumb club.” bold of him to assume you would-

“no but i really appreciate the thought :)

why don’t we turn these study sessions into… study dates instead?”

your assumption after 6 months later: finally confirmed

“but that’s only IF you ace your finals.”

well let’s just say at the very end, you had a successful first semester and are now one step closer towards being the surgeon of your dreams.

plus, you even landed yourself a pretty cool boyfriend in the process

let’s hope his parents put in a good word for you when you apply to med school!

#seventeen #wonwoo #caratwritersclub #seventeen imagine #wonwoo imagine #seventeen scenario #wonwoo scenario #seventeen au #wonwoo au #seventeen fanfic #wonwoo fanfic #seventeen series #jeon wonwoo #wonwoo x reader

271 notes · View notes

goneseriesanalysis · 3 years

Text

Drake Merwin

I am soo sorry, this is super late but I got incredibly distracted with reading and forgot that literally anything else existed. Drake was a really hard character for me to analyse because his characterisation was just so disappointing to me - but luckily my intrinsic desire to have everyone hear my opinions prevailed, and so here it is. I hope you enjoy!!

Spoiler Warning: Major spoilers for Gone, Minor spoilers for the rest of the series and the monster trilogy

Old Opinion: I had a sort of morbid obsession with Drake and thought he was a top-tier villain

New Opinion: So far Drake is tied with Astrid for most-changed opinion. His character has almost no-depth and could be placed in almost any story without changing a single thing about him - and it would make sense. I found myself desperately trying to make him more interesting than he is in an attempt to justify younger me’s obsession - but alas I was unsuccessful. He had a lot of potential, but instead he ended up as a copy-paste villain with no realistic motivations and no real intrigue.

1.) DRAKE’S APPEARANCE:

Drake is, I think, the character who is best (as in most thoroughly) described in the first book. Not only do we get an idea of his actual appearance beyond the vaguest possible descriptions (sorry to Sam, Caine, Diana and every minor character) but we also get some idea as to the effect his appearance has on other people.

In Chapter 14, when we are first introduced to the Coates kids, Drake is described as, “a smiling, playful, mean-eyed kid with shaggy, sandy-coloured hair.” I actually really like this description. Contrasting “smiling” and “playful” with “mean” really brilliantly sets Drake up to be a complex villain – the kind of villain we all love to hate, who cracks a joke while slitting your throat. It has the implication of a layered personality but sadly, this is not the villain we get. In fact his character in the first chapter compared to the character we get as the book continues is so drastically different that it almost seems like mg did a complete 180 on his character. An original description is supposed to give us some indication as to what a character is like – their personality and role in the story, and we know that mg can do this really well. (Sam’s non-descript description setting him up to be the underdog, Quinn’s mismatched attire hinting at his inability to fit in, Astrid’s colour scheme reflecting her innocence and religiosity), and so it seems particularly odd, not to mention disappointing, that Drake’s description gives us…nothing. No real indication as to who he is or his purpose other than to hint to him being an antagonist (which we already guessed from his affiliation with Caine.) I could go on and on about what a waste Drake’s character was, but I’ll save it for a later paragraph.

We will then skip ahead to Chapter 37 where both Howard and Lana describe a similarity between Drake and Pack Leader:

“The one time she had seen Drake Merwin. He had made her think of Pack Leader: strong, hyper alert, dangerous. Now, the lean physique looked gaunt, the shark’s grin was a tight grimace, his eyes were red-rimmed. His stare, once languidly menacing, was now intense, burning hot. He looked like someone who had been tortured beyond endurance.”

“The two of them, two of a kind, it seemed to Howard, stared holes into each other.”

This is a much better example of mg using descriptions to establish the purpose of a character. By drawing a comparison between these two, mg sets up Drake’s later role in the books, where he replaces Pack Leader as the gaiphage’s right-hand man. This almost leads me to believe that mg had decided very early on that Drake was going to desert Caine and this is possibly why he seems so out of place and underdeveloped as Caine’s underling in the first two books. Mg had already moved on from this side of his character…and it shows. Lana’s description of Drake also works as a basis for showing the reader how he has changed since losing his arm (before gaining his whip) and acts as an insight into his current mental state – which is important as we don’t get much introspection during Drake’s POV’s. But, I still have a few issues with this. First of all, his “lean physique”. Now this isn’t really a problem all by itself, but unless I have forgotten what 14 year olds looks like (which is a possibility though I doubt it) I don’t think that they should be muscly with minimal body fat. And Drake is not the only character he does this with. Quinn gets extremely muscly later on in the books (I’ll admit that there is a plausible reason behind this so this example isn’t terrible but it’s mentioned like every 5 sentences) and in Fear Caine is described as having wash-board abs. Why are we sexualising children?? Children should be pudgy and awkward and still growing into their bodies, not lean and muscly!! The attractive, damaged man who hates women for no reason at all is also a really really really common trope and tbh I’m just so bored of it. It’s not relatable (at least it shouldn’t be) and it’s just really unimaginative – although it does help us to understand Drake’s character as we’ve seen him before so many times in all types of media. My second issue with this description is the way it really really highlights how much of a waste of character Drake was. The potential of a high-school bully with a skewed world-view due to the death of his father and the later abuse of his mother at the hands of his replacement father figure trying hard to impress the charming “leader” with unimaginable power (that he so desperately wants) only to be undermined at every turn by a girl who teases him by pointing out his flaws and insecurities taking his anger out on everyone around him (especially women) as a way to cope with his childhood traumas then turning into a heartless monster who not only enjoys others pain but lives for it after being “tortured beyond endurance”, was astronomical. But we don’t get that. Instead we get a cheesy, one-dimensional cartoon villain. The change that his body and mind go through after his maiming should have been pivotal to his character, but that just doesn’t come across in the writing. :/ But more on this later.

And last but not least, the whip-hand, which is very important to Drake’s character. It turns his actual body into a weapon and his excitement over this is indicative of his sadistic nature. Again, I think this is an example of a wasted opportunity. I would have liked mg to have gone in to depth about how Drake’s body undergoing this change affected his psyche (and I’m not counting his one-off line in the monster trilogy). I think it could be argued that Drake’s “change” is a metaphor for him going through puberty. Him gaining the whip that ultimately turned him into his very own weapon shows his transition from a child [a little messed up but still just a kid] into a monster, someone who is capable of committing atrocities without a second thought. It would have been particularly interesting for Drake and Orc’s final battle to put some focus on the fact that they both suffer through monstrous physical changes that can be used to represent their shift from children to young adults but whereas one relishes in this, one is completely disgusted. The whip-hand is described as being an “impossible blood-red snake” and then that “It was stretched. Like it had been turned into dark, blood-red taffy. It wrapped twice around his body.” – Both of these occurring in Chapter 39. I don’t have much to comment about this – other than that I think red is great colour choice for Drake, thematically at least.

I know this point was mostly about what Drake could have been as opposed to an actual analysis of his appearance, but I’m just so tired of the attractive misogynistic villain that seems to appear in every single piece of media. His characterisation really bummed me out and put me into a slump so instead of analysing his appearance I decided to roast him instead. But, onto actual analysis now (I am going to further expand on some of the points I made here I promise).

2.) DRAKE’S PERSONALITY AND CHARACTER

I mentioned in the previous point that a lot of Drake’s characterisation seems like an afterthought at best and one of the things that made me think this, is the inconsistencies with his character and the most obvious example of this is the discrepancies with his birthday. In chapter 20, Diana says that his birthday is “April twelfth, just one minute after midnight.” But, in Chapter 33 we get the line “Sooner would be better,’ Drake drawled, ‘what with me having a month.” This is a really small nit-pick, I know, but it just really bugs me that mg overlooked something as simple as a birthday – especially when birthdays are such an important plot point in this book. But anyway, moving on. I promise this whole review isn’t going to be negative.

Backtracking now to Chapter 14. Drake’s character here seems to differ quite drastically from his later characterisation. He seems here to be an example of the laughably evil trope, he has a kind of dry sarcastic humour that is quite fun and seems to lighten the tone of the story a little bit. Rather than showing us the boringly disgusting misogynistic villain that Drake turns out to be, we instead see a funny, charismatic character who seems to prefer picking on those who already have power – as is seen here:

“Drake paused halfway, turned back, and spoke for the first time. In an amused voice he said, ‘Oh, um, Captain Orc? Have your people – the ones who aren’t injured- line up outside. We’ll work out your… um, duties.’ With a grin that was almost a snarl, Drake added a cheerful, ‘Later’.” – Chapter 33

Now I understand that the reason we don’t see the real Drake here is because Sam is obviously not yet aware of his true personality – my issue lies in the fact that based on just this small excerpt here, I expected so much more from his character. We get hints of his sadistic nature here, with him joking about Cookie’s horrific injury and clearly taking joy in exerting power over Orc, but it is evenly balanced by the fact that he’s kind of amusing and we don’t really like Orc at this point anyway. Can we see that something isn’t quite right with him?? Yes. But do we kind of like him anyway?? Well I did. At this point. I would have really loved it if mg had carried on this idea of Drake abusing those who already have power – him enjoying to take down bully after bully so he can be King bully, instead of him picking on people who he perceives as weak and vulnerable. Mg relying on misogyny as a motivator is just really disappointing to me because there is no depth to it, and it’s pretty lazy. He hates Diana because she is a woman and he sees women as beneath him?? Weak. Over-used. Dull. He hates Diana because she has power over Caine in a way that he never can, which makes him feel insecure in himself and the fragile sense of stability and power that he has struggled to cultivate within his damaged psyche?? Yes pls. Not only would this have made Drake a much more engaging character, but it would also have made his desertion of Caine in hunger much more impactful. And while I think there are aspects of this within his character, which I will go into later, I wish there had been more of it. Again, I’m sorry that this has become more of a “what could have been” rather than an analysis but there really is just so little to analyse without just pointing out obvious facts and statements. There’s no spice here :/

Moving on now to Chapter 16, where we as an audience, as well as the characters within the book, begin to realise what Drake truly is – an unhinged madman. We are told by Sam that Drake has been abusing his power as Sheriff – which particularly stands out as, so far at least, Drake is the only member of Coates who has shown this kind of behaviour (Caine is actually a pretty sound leader until he loses his shit and attacks Sam). And this is the first major distinction that we get between Caine and Drake and their capacity as villains in the story. Caine is a bad person who will do bad things to achieve his goals, he is power-hungry and ambitious but he is not needlessly violent. Everything he does he (in his own mind) is able to justify as it helps him to achieve his vision. Drake, on the other hand, doesn’t really seem to have an end goal. He is violent for the sake of being violent – he is a sadist who enjoys the suffering of other people as we see here, “Drake was more than a little scary. Kids who defied Drake or any of his so-called sheriff’s had been slapped, punched, pushed, knocked down or, in one case, dragged into a bathroom and given a swirlie. Fear of Drake was replacing fear of the unknown.” Now, we still don’t get to see the full extent of Drake’s madness here. Most of the crimes listed are pretty mundane bully things – they’re still wrong, but they aren’t life-threatening. He hasn’t bashed anyone’s head in with a baseball bat. While Caine is playing with politics, Drake seems unable to move past his role of high school bully. If he had played it right, the role of Sheriff would have been perfect for him. I mean, how many actual police officers get away with literal murder in the name of “upholding the law”?? But he is unable of seeing the bigger picture, unable to grow and fit the new world order as Caine does so naturally, and so, instead of properly taking on the role of Sheriff and building up his own authority in this way, he turns back to his tried and tested method – hurt them and they’ll fall in line.

I particularly enjoy this as I think it explains, a little bit more, why he hates Diana and Astrid so much. Now I know the bottom line is simply that he is a violent misogynist – but that doesn’t explain why he hates Diana and Astrid specifically. Is it because they’re both attractive women and he is unable to distinguish sex and violence in his head?? Partly yes, but then Taylor is also described as attractive (and most people find her annoying) and yet he doesn’t seem to hate her to this extent. I think the real reason he hates these two specifically, more than anyone else, is because he simply cannot understand them – and that scares him (although he is unwilling to admit it). Drake only knows how to gain power through violence – he sees this work at home, he used it on Holden, he used it to gain his reputation at Coates and, although he has the ability to gain authority in other ways, he continues to use this method even now in the FAYZ. Diana and Astrid cannot do this, they are not fit to fight, they are not able to use violence to assert their status – and yet they both have more power in the FAYZ than he does. They make him question his whole world view and, as he cannot or will not adapt to the new hierarchy of the FAYZ, he resorts to trying to destroy them, in order to return the world to what it was before. His hatred of others gaining power through (what he sees as) unconventional means is then further established with his dislike of actual powers and the people who have them:

“I’m sick of all this powers crap. You saw what we did to freaks at Coates?? Who do you think it was that took care of that?? All these kids with their stupid so-called powers. Starting fires and moving stuff around and reading your mind and all?? Who do you think it was grabbed them one by one in their sleep and beat them down and when they woke up their hands were setting in a block of cement??

[…]

That’s right. And I didn’t even have a gun then. It’s not about who’s got powers, morons. It’s about who’s not afraid. And who’s going to do what has to be done.”

We get told by Diana that it was Drake’s idea to cement the kids in the first place (and a bad one at that) and I really think that is all the evidence you need to see that Drake’s hatred and fear all stem from his complete inability to adapt. He is trapped in a cycle of abuse that started with his father, a police officer who teaches him how to shoot people (however unwillingly) and is then continued by his step-father (an actual abuser) rendering him incapable of recognising any kind of authority if it is not gained from violent means. And so of course he hates the powers – none of the kids gained their powers through suffering or through causing suffering. They didn’t earn their authority in any valid way, according to him. (This is also another reason why I think Drake was so ecstatic at gaining his whip-hand. He suffered for it and therefore, in his twisted mind, he earned it. It is physical proof of his supposed power over these kids.) It’s tragic really – but mg then goes on to make him so disgustingly unsympathetic that his story loses its meaning. I love mg’s writing but Drake’s character truly was butchered for shock value and plot convenience and it makes me so sad.

Ok back to Chapter 16. Here, not only do we hear about some of the things that Drake is capable of, but we see them as well. His beat-down of Orc is the first indicator we get that Drake is someone we should really be afraid of. Heads up, this is a long quote:

“Nobody move,’ Drake said. Orc pushed Edilio off and jumped to his feet. He started kicking Edilio, landing size-eleven Nike blows into Edilio’s defensive arms. Sam jumped in to help his friend, but Drake was quicker. He stepped behind Orc, grabbed him by the hair, yanked his head back, and smashed his elbow into Orc’s face. Blood poured from Orc’s nose, and he howled in rage. Drake hit him again and released Orc to fall to the concrete. ‘Which part of “nobody move” did you not understand, Orc?’ Drake demanded. Orc rose to his knees and went for Drake like a linebacker, Drake stepped aside, nimble as a matador. He stuck his hand out and said to Chaz, ‘Give me that.’ Chaz handed him the bat. Drake hit Orc in the ribs with a short, sharp forwards thrust of the bat. Then again in the kidneys and again in the side of the head. Each blow was measured, accurate, effective. Orc rolled over on to his back, helpless, exposed. Drake pushed the thick end of the bat against Orc’s throat. ‘Dude. You really need to learn to listen when I talk.’ Then Drake laughed, stepped back, twirled the bat in the air, caught it and rested it on his shoulder. He grinned at Sam.”

“Sam had gone up against bullies before. But he’d never seen anything like Drake Merwin. Orc outweighed Drake by at least fifty pounds, but Drake had handled him like a little toy action figure.”

Orc has already been established as the top bully in Perdido beach – we’ve already seen that our main character is afraid of him – and for good reason. And so for Orc to be defeated so casually and so easily is shocking. It lets us know that the old world order has collapsed and old fears are fading away with it, with new, much more threatening adversaries taking their place. I actually think that this scene was exceptionally clever of mg. Drake is attacking someone who has already been set up as an antagonist, at the same time rescuing Edilio, who the reader has been conditioned to like. But, through context clues, we know that this is not a good thing. It sets up the villainous nature of the Coates kids, Orc’s redemption, Drake and Orc’s rivalry and Sam’s fear of Drake. And it feels natural, even after re-reading the book multiple times. It’s scenes like these that really remind me how great of a writer mg is.

Another thing I really wanted to talk about here IS Drake and Orc’s rivalry because, yet again, I think mg missed a huge opportunity with this. Drake and Orc are very similar before, and in the early days of the FAYZ. Both have abusive fathers (a step-father in Drake’s case but still), both enjoy asserting their power over people through violent means and both are put in positions of power that they are unable to fully take advantage of – Sheriff and Sheriff Deputy. And even as the books continue, similarities can still be found. They both suffer mutations that turn their bodies into grotesque weapons, dehumanising them and alienating them from their peers and That Scene in Plague tells us that Orc and Drake sometimes have similar “desires”. Their stories are constantly intertwined, with them being played off of each other from the start and Orc becoming Drake’s jailor later on (and in turn Drake sort of becoming his). Their differences come from their reactions to the horrific acts of violence they have committed – and of course why they do them. I’m going to make a whole separate post on this because it’s long enough to be a standalone, but my I just wish mg had played up both their similarities and differences more. It would have made Drake so much more interesting.

We also get more hints at his sadism in this scene. He is later unbothered that Betty has been hurt and it seems that the only reason he attacked Orc was because it gave him an opportunity to assert his dominance over him. All in all, this is one of my personal favourite scenes in the book as it establishes characters, themes and relationships very well. I just wish some of these had been developed further – but mg dropping certain aspects of the story does seem to be a common problem.

The final thing I wanted to talk about in regards to Drake’s personality and character is this line we get in Chapter 23, “It was small, just two bedrooms, very neat, very organised, the way Drake liked things.” This was another thing that irked me slightly. It’s such a small aspect of his characterisation but it reinforced the idea that drake is just another cookie-cutter villain with no real personality, nothing that makes him stand out in the sea of white male psychopaths with a hatred for women. His whole character could be replaced with any other misogynistic psychopath at no detriment to the story. My immediate though when reading this was that even the smallest aspects of his character can be seen in other, more developed villains – this line in particular is hugely reminiscent of Patrick Bateman. Nothing seems to be his own. No aspect of his character is even remotely unique. (I think this may also be why some young fans develop an obsession with him. His character is comfortable because we’ve seen it so many times before.) He is so entirely replaceable and replicable - only reason he isn’t completely forgettable is because you are constantly plagued by the horrific things he has done. Mg sacrificed depth and development for shock value and it’s so disappointing

3.) DRAKE’S PAST

Onto Drake’s life before the FAYZ. Not only does Drake receive some of the longest and most POV time in this book, he is also the character whose life before the FAYZ we learn the most about (with the possible exception of Sam). This is especially shocking to think about seen as Drake is arguably one of the most underdeveloped characters in the whole book, but anyway. There are two scenes I’m going to talk about here, both occurring in Chapter 23, with the first being his dad teaching him how to shoot. I apologise in advance for the long quote:

“His father had taught him how to shoot, using his service pistol. Drake still remembered the first time.

[…]

He remembered the way his father had taught him to grip the butt firmly but not too tight. To rest his right hand in the palm of his left and sight carefully, to turn his body sideways to present a smaller target if someone was shooting back. His father had had to yell because they were both wearing ear protection. ‘If you’re target shooting, you centre the front sight in the notch of the rear sights. Raise it till your sights are sitting right under your target. Let your breath out slowly and squeeze.’ That first bang, the recoil, the way the gun jumped six inches, the smell of the powder – it was all as clear in Drake’s mind as any memory he had. […]

‘What if I’m not shooting if I’m not shooting at a target?’ He’d asked his father. ‘What if I’m shooting at a person?’ ‘Don’t shoot a person,’ his father had said. But then he relented, relieved no doubt to find something he could share with his disturbing son. ‘Different people will tell you different techniques. But if it’s me, say I’m doing a traffic stop and I think I see he citizen reaching for a weapon, and I’m thinking I may have to take a quick shot? I just point. Point like the barrel is a sixth finger. You point and if you have to fire, you shoot half the clip, bang, bang, bang, bang.’ ‘Why do you shoot so many times?’ ‘Because if you have to shoot, you shoot to kill. Situation like that, you’re not aiming carefully for his head or his heart, you’re pointing at the centre of mass and you’re hoping you get a lucky shot., but if you don’t, if all you’re hitting is shoulder or belly, the sheer velocity of the rounds will knock him down.”

Ok so the first thing I want to analyse here, is how important this memory clearly is to Drake. He remembers it fondly, in immense detail and seems to call back on it when he needs to clear his head (notice how this memory is placed while Drake is trying to figure out what to do, not while he is doing it.) It seems that rather than just using this memory as a source of useful information, it is also a source of comfort to him. Now there are some things that I really wish mg had told us that would help to analyse this scene better, like: How old was Drake when this memory took place?? How old was Drake when his father died?? How did his father die?? But alas, we don’t know these things (at least not that I’m aware of, and not within this book) so I’m going to try and do the best I can with the information that we have. Now, in Light, Drake makes it seem like his step-fathers behaviour has been significant in forming his worldview – which makes sense, trauma does that. But he spends half of his time away at Coates, which says to me that for this behaviour to have had such a profound effect on him, his step-father must have been around for a while. Right?? I’m gonna take a guess at 3-4 years at the least. Give Drake’s mother about a year to meet and start dating this man after the passing of her husband – this means that Drake would have been around 9/10 at the latest when this scene took place. That’s pretty young. Like, this is a formative memory and from the way it’s written, it seems like this may be some of the only bonding that Drake and his father ever did together. No wonder Drake has such an unhealthy obsession with guns as is seen with these quotes:

“He started from Astrid’s house, which was already beginning to smoke. He worked his way methodically, a hunter, looking for any movement. Each time he spotted someone walking or running or biking, he would take a look at them through the rifle scope, line them up in the crosshairs. He felt like God. All he had to do was squeeze the trigger.” – Chapter 23

“Drake kept all three guns loaded all the time. They were set out on the dining room table, a display, something to be gazed at lovingly.” – Chapter 23

“Drake could not leave the gun alone. He kept thumbing the safety on and off. He rolled down the window and aimed it at stop signs as they passed, but did not fire.” – Chapter 31

Drake shooting Sam and his gleeful reaction – Chapter 34

For him, guns are the ultimate symbol of power and authority. He was introduced to these weapons of incredible power at such a young age – of course he loves them. That being said, it seems that Drake has always been “disturbed” so I suppose we can’t fully blame his father and step-father for his mind-set – and I have to say I don’t really like this. Drake’s issue as a character is that he is completely de-humanised by all the horrific things he does. By having it seem like Drake was irredeemable from the off-set, it just adds to this idea and again removes any possible depth or character development. Imo it would have been much better to present Drake as becoming the way he is AFTER his father’s death. It would bring a sense of tragedy to his character – the way he uses his father’s advice to hunt down Astrid would seem less like a by-product of his sadism and more like a misguided attempt to feel connected to his deceased father.

However, flawed though it is, this scene does give us some insight as to why Drake is the way he is – through the characterisation of his father. Admittedly we don’t get much, but one line really stood out to me, “Because if you have to shoot, you shoot to kill.” Ummm..sir?? I don’t think that’s how police officers work. Isn’t your goal to incapacitate – not to just kill on sight?? The fact that he not only stands by this rule himself, but also gives this advice to his CHILD is disconcerting. Drake is not only receiving this harmful rhetoric from his father figure but also a police officer. Someone who is meant to uphold the law. I think this links back to my earlier point on how Drake only recognises authority if it is gained by violent means. While we get no indication that his real father was ever violent to Drake or his mother, he openly tells Drake that when he is upholding the law (in this hypothetical situation) he does it by using force. That is a dangerous thing to tell a child, especially a child who you already think is disturbed. This twisted-take on a father-son relationship nicely sets the precedent for Drake’s warped perceptions, I just wish it had been developed further. And this leads us nicely into the next scene – the shooting of Holden:

“He remembered with vivid, slow-motion detail the time he had shot Holden, the neighbour’s kid who liked to come over and annoy him. That had been a bullet to the thigh, with a low-level calibre gun, and still the kid had nearly died. That ‘accident’ had landed Drake at Coates.”

Again, first and foremost I just wish we had a little bit more information. It is not clear whether this situation occurred before or after his father’s death – which seems like a pretty important detail to me. Although, we don’t actually find out that Drake’s father is dead within this book, and this omission again makes me feel like mg adding that detail was little more than an after-thought. It feels like in Light he wanted to quickly try and make Drake more of a sympathetic character and so he added in an abusive step-dad to try and tone down or at least explain Drake’s violence and misogyny. It seems like Drake is a plot-point first and a character second and the lack of detail here really highlights that for me. What purpose did these scenes really have in the story?? They did very little to flesh out his character, they introduced no new themes or relationships. It seems like mg just wanted to let us know – “Hey! Drake knows how to use a gun. That’s gonna be important later.” That being said, there are a couple of other things I would like to quickly mention. Firstly, I think the fact that Drake did not aim to kill Holden, even though he could have, is meant to be indicative of his change between then and now. It’s done to tell us that Drake wasn’t always this bad – there was at one point some hope. For this to have the desired effect though, I really think mg should have waited until after Drake lost his arm to straight up try and murder Astrid and Little Pete. Like, you can’t tell us that Drake was a little messed up but still redeemable before his maiming and then go and have him try to kill a random girl and her five year old brother. Because that’s more than a little messed up (and that’s not even mentioning the cementing). And it also contrasts the idea that Drake has always been disturbed. An idea that was introduced to us not even a page ago!! The other thing I wanted to pick up on, which I actually quite liked, is the ambiguous “who liked to come over and annoy him.” Because this is Drake’s point of view – so “annoy” could mean anything. Was Holden actually just an annoying kid?? Was he just trying to be Drake’s friend?? Or was he actually a bully and Drake doesn’t want to admit it?? I guess we’ll never know.

4.) DRAK’ES MOTIVATIONS

For this point, I wanted to focus on three particular motivators: Caine, Diana and Astrid. These are the three people, I believe, who provide, either consciously or unconsciously, the motivation for his actions within the FAYZ. I’ll start first with Astrid and Diana, the two people who Drake hates the most. Throughout this book it is clear that Drake has no real goals – he has no desire to be in control like Caine, no desire to re-invent the world like Albert. All he wants is to cause pain, with his preferred targets being these two. And, as I’ve said before, I think this is partly because he hates the authority that they have within the FAYZ – which stems from manipulation and intelligence rather than violence.

In Chapter 20, Drake explains his hatred for Diana, “Drake had made the time to check out Diana’s psych file the day after the FAYZ came. But her file had been missing by then. In its place she had left Drake’s file lying open on the doc’s desk and drawn a little smiley face beside the word ‘sadist’. Drake had already hated her. But after that, hating Diana had become a full-time occupation.” What I take from this scene, is that Drake’s loathing stems from Diana’s ability to get under his skin, to make him feel inferior – to annoy him. (Perhaps Holden had a similar talent). I’m going to assume that his prior hatred of her can be boiled down to his misogyny and his disgust at Caine’s weakness for her, both of which have been explicitly stated in the text. His hatred after this though, comes from a pretty mundane incident. I mean all she did was get there quicker, and do exactly what he was going to do to her. And so I think this loathing is less about what she did and more about his own personal reaction to it. Diana was able to weaponise Drake’s own anger against him – to make him feel inferior and powerless. She challenges Drake’s fragile perception of authority and takes a diagnosis that he seems to not only be ok with, but is actually proud of, and makes him feel embarrassed. His whole perception of power is rooted in the idea that his ability to inflict pain on others with no guilt or remorse is what makes him better, it is what gives him his power. But she takes this idea and belittles him for it and so his initial reaction is to attack. This is an idea that is again seen with Astrid. Astrid intentionally tries to make Drake feel inferior by bringing up his biggest insecurity, Diana’s treatment of him “Doesn’t it bother you that Diana treats you like some wild animal she keeps on a leash?” And she does escape him – twice. Her and her autistic brother (and we already know how Drake feels about autistic people). She also proves herself to be more intelligent than him, in their little argument over the r-slur. Drake only gets violent after he realises that, in an intellectual sense, she has more power than him. It seems to be his defence mechanism just as much as his pleasure – and therefore Astrid and Diana’s power over him motivates him to use it.

Now onto Caine. Caine and Drake’s relationship is, for me, one of the most interesting aspects of Drake’s character and while I’ll only be mentioning it in its capacity as a motivator here, I have a whole post planed out for it. Drake seems to simultaneously hate Caine and admire him. He is constantly looking to impress him and the only time we ever see Drake think about betraying him in this book is when Caine gives his attention to Diana rather than Drake. And, because of this, I can kind of understand why people ship them (although I personally dislike the idea of Drake being gay). A lot of the time this motivation is completely unprompted by Caine himself, like in these quotes:

“Drake cursed and, again, for just a moment, felt the almost desperate fear of failing Caine. He wasn’t worried about what Caine would do to him – after all, Caine needed him – but he knew if he failed to carry out Caine’s orders, Diana would laugh.” – Chapter 23

“I got him’ Drake announced. ‘I got them all.’ ‘Yes, you did,’ Caine said. ‘Good work, Drake.” – Chapter 34

In Chapter 23, it seems that both Drake’s need to impress Caine and his need to prove to himself that he is better than Diana are his main motivators for his extreme attack on Astrid. I think it’s important to note that he only planned on trying to catch her, until Caine told him to kill her. His sadistic nature is brought out in full because he needs to prove himself to Caine. But why does he?? If he is planning on taking over from Caine in the end, why does he have a “desperate fear of failing Caine”?? Sure, part of it is his desire to prove himself to be better than Diana. But even this has roots in his absolute need for Caine to take notice of him. Drake is drawn to Caine because of his power and authority over people. Caine seems to be the closest thing that Drake can get to an equal, someone who shares the same motivations, ambitions and worldview (of course Caine and Drake do not share these things, but Drake doesn’t realise this…yet.) He seeks validation from Caine because he wants to have these things in common with someone – yet another motivation for his hatred of Diana as she constantly gets in the way of this.

We also know that Caine is, at least, partly aware of his effect on Drake. He is paranoid that Drake will turn on him (because Caine sees being equal to someone as relinquishing power) and he is able to manipulate Drake’s misguided feelings when he wants to – most notably in Chapter 36:

“It’s not Diana or Chunk or even me,’ Caine said. ‘It’s none of us, Drake. It’s Sam. It’s Sam who did this to you, Drake. You want him to get away with it? Or do you want to live long enough to make him suffer?”

This is such a clever moments as it sets up Drake’s whole character in Hunger, and it’s false. Because yes, Sam is the one who burned Drake’s arm and Drake has every right and reason to hate him. But it was Caine who abandoned him to save himself. And it was Caine who refused to let Drake die, even though he was begging for it (and let’s face it, he didn’t refuse to kill him out of any affection – it was a selfish decision.) But Drake is so desperate for that equal, for that validation that his worldview is correct and is shared by another person, that he just idk forgets?? He never brings up this conversation again and just accepts Caine’s word as gospel. I have so much more to say about their relationship but, as I said, I’ll save it for a later post.

5.) DRAKE’S MENTAL STATE

And finally, we have Drake’s mental state. Now I’m not going to try and give him an official diagnosis or anything, but I wanted to make a small point specifically about his mental state after his maiming. I think we can all agree that what Drake went through was pretty horrific, and while I personally struggle to feel any amount of sympathy for him due his own list of horrific crimes, the change he goes through after this is extremely significant, or at least it’s supposed to be. I think mg wants us to believe that Drake’s descent into madness was directly cause by the loss of his arm, and that before that he did have the chance to be redeemed. I think whether you buy into this depends on how forgiving you are, but I want to focus more on the actual proof of change that we see.

I’ve already talked about the physical changes he goes through, and the implications of this so I’m going to focus solely on his mental state during and partly after the whole ordeal. I think the first and most important thing to talk about is the fact that Drake didn’t actually want to survive:

“Don’t cut off my arm,’ Drake cried. ‘Let me die. Just let me die. Shoot me.” – Chapter 36

He would rather die than lose his arm (his gun arm to be specific). Now, while I don’t doubt that the burning was indescribably painful, I’m still not sure that the majority of people would beg for death. Especially when an alternative (in this case losing his arm) is presented. Not to mention, he doesn’t actually talk about the pain when begging for his death – what he talks about is the loss of his arm. Of course it could be argued that the reason he didn’t want his arm to be cut off is because he knew it would mean more pain, but I don’t think that this is the case. Rather, I think that Drake is so scared of losing the power that he has, that he would genuinely rather die. This 14 year old boy is so messed up that his own death is preferable to the idea of no longer being able to hurt people. And so when he gets his power back, he doubles down. He has realised by this point what he truly wants, that he would rather die than be rendered powerless, so he begins committing more heinous acts (like attacking the prees). Pair this with the amount of pain that he went through, which most definitely will have had an effect on his already damaged brain, and you can see how a high-school bully became what he did. The groundwork for an interesting and though-provoking character was right here. I think yet again the problem with his character is the execution. Interesting aspects of his personality are dropped in favour of plot convenience and shock value and it cheapens his character as a whole until all the intended nuances are lost and over-shadowed.

I’m really sorry if this is a bit all over the place and not quite as polished as my other posts. I found Drake so difficult to write about and so my thoughts kept going haywire. Thank you so much for reading (and being patient with my brain). I hope you enjoy!!

#the gone series #Drake Merwin #character analysis #gone

16 notes · View notes

lizeng · 4 years

Text

How to Learn in the Modern World

Recently, I took a Coursera course "Learn How to Learn", read Scott Young's Ultra-Learning and completed Carol Dweck's Mindset. All these learnings boiled down to the "growth mindset", and how anything can be learned through time if there's enough motivation, methods and devotion.

It is vital to learn at any age as it grows oneself and keeps one up with the world. However, learning in a digital age can be challenging because distractions are everywhere. It takes a lot of self drive and discipline to learn something, not mentioning to master a skill by oneself. But what are the effective ways of learning in the modern world?

Self-learning is key

Information is available a click away. Anything can be learned and searched on the internet nowadays. Instead of traditional classroom settings, learning in the modern days requires a lot of self learning and drives from the learners themselves. The more we rely on ourselves to make progress, the better we will learn. This is true for adult and also for kids who are trying to master a certain skills. The drive has to come from the learner, otherwise all time spend can lead to poor learning results. I know friends or parents who rely on teachers when it comes to learning. A school or a program can provide the right structure for a specific topic, but they cannot cover everything in that topic. Self-learning helps learners to explore deep without the limitation on a specific frame. The frame is set by the learners themselves based on their need.

Clear goals and outcome

I am a motivated learner and I take every opportunity to listen to audio books or podcasts I love. However, without a clear goal or plan, all those learning can be random and won't yield any solid result. Through this learning projects on "how to learn", I find that setting clear goals and outcomes are vital to achieve learning results. There is the "10,000h rules" for mastering a skill, but purely counting on practice hours can be very tedious and not so fulfilling. The author of Ultra-learning Scott Young, defined his "MIT challenge" as an end goal and was able to complete the online MIT computer science program within one year. The same goes with many ultra-learners, the goal or outcome can be the motivation that drives them forward. That being said, annual or monthly projects can also be great ways to segment specific learning topics and create solid outcomes.

Focus is the pathway

The problem we have in modern days are distractions. With TV, computer, ipad, and mobile phone, Youtube, social media and internet is just one tap away. It is so easy to get lost in the mindless scrolling zone and feel excited to want more. Getting focused means we can avoid distractions and control our time the way we wanted to. We have to be alert not to let our device control our mind, and we need to set specific time for learning. I am a very focused person once I am in the flow, but I have a hard time getting into the tasks initially. A show or a video can lead to endless exploration if I don't watch my time carefully. So self-control of not turning on the TV or Youtube is the first step getting into focus mode.

Learning by teaching

The best way to learn is to teach. I definitely know this very well since I used to teach. There are many topics I learned on the fly and had to teach the next day in classroom. I still remember when I had to teach a design history class, I literally spend the whole break to prepare my materials. I practice 2-3 times before I enter the classroom, making sure that I can answer any questions the students come up. It helped me learn the history of design tremendously! With that in mind, it's important to frame the learning outcomes into some sort of presentation that can be shared to an audience. Even by writing a blog article can help transfer the knowledge we learned into our own words, thus enhance our learning results.

Through the exploration on learning this month, I was also reminded to things I have applied during my school year. The following learning methods worked great for me either on learning art or language.

Everyday practice is essential

My first art teacher told me "drawing every 10min is better than drawing 2hours per week". I applied that into my process of learning art and English. My progress was very obvious after practicing everyday for a whole one semester. Now looking back, I know the power of everyday learning. The magic of absorbing and transferring knowledge will work itself out when we rest and sleep (aka diffuse mode).

Rest and working out helps learning

As a Chinese student, I experienced 12+ learnings hours everyday in high school. Many parents even rented house right next to school, so their children can walk to school within 5 min. My home was 30+ min away biking from school. At that time it was an inconvenient distance for me because I lose 1 hour of study time in comparison to other classmates. Now looking back, I know how that 1 hour of biking everyday helped me tremendously to stay physically and mentally healthy. Sleeping, resting and working out does help learning. Our brain really need that diffuse time to absorb and work the problem out.

Time spent doesn't equal to what you learned

Many inefficient learning involves spending lots of time, but yield no significant results. As a matter of fact, highlighting books or taking notes can be a disguise to our brain that we are actually learning something. Despite how much time we spent and thinking that we know something already, if we don't test ourselves and recall what's been learned, everything we just learned can easily slip away. From my experience, I know that I spend lots of time taking courses, but I dislike the test or exam part. However, if we don't face the uncomfortable feeling when it comes to learning, things we learn won't last that long.

Besides the things that I already knew and applied, I also learned several important things that can help me in my future learning projects. The following are the new things I learned about learning:

Define learning goals - monthly theme, weekly goals etc

Spend 20% of the learning time on looking for resources, methods and frame learning

Make focus time, take notes and test often about the knowledge point

Direct learning with projects, get real feedbacks from presentation, teaching and writing.

Learning in chunks, solve one part of the problem at a time, and eventually things will connect itself

The only way to beat procrastinate is to get started (even just for 25min)

Face the area that doesn't make you comfortable, deal with difficult feelings

Find the right medium to learn

Digital Courses (Coursera, Udemy, Lynda.com, Treehouse, Skill Share)

Books/ Audio Books

Web Articles / Blogs

Twitter / Youtube

Talk to experts

From this project about learning, I have refreshed my eyes and mind on self-improvement. Every month from now on, I hope to define a specific topic that I want to explore, and I will focus on the topic when I read books, browse the web and watch videos. At the end of the month, I will write a blog article or build a presentation that I can share with someone. This is the plan for a brand new 2021. We will see how it goes!

#learning #self improvement #individual growth #growth mindset

1 note · View note

freewheelshippin · 4 years

Text

30 utapri questions!

Thanks @dekiaibadchoices for the tag, this was an awesome way to wind down after a ton of nonstop busy busy busy!!! (and thanks for tagging this blog vs the general utapri one so i can REALLY gush LOL) Here’s the OG meme!

1. Your best boy?

BANANAMAN RAN WHO ELSE

2. Your least favorite boy?

“least favorite” implies dislike which...not true! truthfully it’s much of HEAVENS by nature of ‘I haven’t spent as much time getting to know these characters so I don’t really know who they are.’ (though I already know I love to go for drinks and snacks with Van hehe) i do like all of HEAVENS quite a bit from what i’ve seen so far but that affection has not had time to ripen!

3. A character that you never thought you would love as much as you do now?

mnmnj ranran tbh

4. A character you can relate to in any way?

I can’t answer everything with Ranmaru but like. His ambition, straightforwardness, and how the soul and spirit of music motivate him to move forward beyond a tough past are things I same hat so much ;; But HONESTLY I also relate a lot to Masa and Tokiya, especially in their moments of self-doubt and dramatic commitment to to their art?

5. A character that you think deserves more love?

Oh, Cecil, without a doubt. He’s such a resilient, committed, and open-hearted cutie and gets really shafted by canon tbh. Which makes it harder for everyone to see what a great boy this sweetie is! But I appreciate how Shining Live has given him some room to have really cute and standout moments so everyone can love him more but okay like, give me more Ceci and Ran palling around I love him most when they’re up to shenanigans

6. A character you would want as your partner?

well we’re posting this fuckin here so you all fuckin know (im very embarrass rn i can barely say it lmao)

(for the record i would also very much like to be friends with reiji and syo, they are cool people i think i’d get along with! and i know myself, if i knew otoya or masato IRL i’d just be like ‘well. that’s my son now’ and basically appoint myself their tough big sis-type-friend lookin out for them lol)

7. A character you would want as your mentor/senpai?

I would swallow a pinecone before I called him ‘onii-san’ but teach me how to network kotobuki-senpai

(No, like, forreal, I suck so, so bad at a ton of stuff Reiji is aces at, and I respect the hell out of his *waves* general everything and skilll navigating the industry. Since I’m a goofy, jokey, overenthusiastic teacher for work a lot it’d be nice to be on the receiving end of all that energy! and be a fucking decent kouhai that isn’t so horribly unappreciative of all his hard work and good cheer )

8. Your favorite ship?

shut your whore mouth i dont have the marbles to write it out

(tbh it’s also Haru/Tomo, I just feel so much more romantic chemistry between those two than Haru and any of the boys u___u Friends’ selfship stuff goes without saying, haha, and ngl I’m kind of About a Ren/Van rivalry hatemance? can i call it a kismesis thing? it’s a kismesis thing.)

(actually no I think I’m just a member of the “Ren Fucks and sometimes it’s Hatesex” club)

9. A character that you want to cosplay/have already cosplayed?

I had plans to cosplay Ranmaru a couple months ago bc it’s really not much of a stretch for my wardrobe, haha, but I dunno about that anymore! Part of it was wanting the Euphoria of looking like a tough, twunky, princely anime character but tbqh I’m already that every day of my life so

I suppose if you were to pull my leg I’d go for cosplaying Van, mostly because I wanna try that mullet on for myself.

10. Favorite side character?

TOMO!! LOVE U BITCH WHEN WILL I HEAR U SINGGGGGG

11. Your favorite solo song?

god this is horrible how can I decide??? so many good ones??? I think it’s a draw between Top Star Revolution, No. 1, Brand New Melody, Wild Soul, Seien Brave Heart, and Junketsu Nara Ai ~Aspiration~ ???

12. Your favorite duet song?

HMMMMM again too many good ones. Three-way tie between Haru Hana, NorthWind and SunShine, and Original Resonance!

13. Your favorite trio song?

Ahhh Dream More than Love is really nostalgic bc it’s the first Utapri song I really loved, but i gotta be real. It’s just Egoistic. There’s just no getting better than Egoistic

14. Your favorite group song?

mmmm i’m be basic. Poison Kiss

15. Your least favorite song?

I love Ai and Shouta Aoi’s incredible voice but......I’m really not a fan of super slow, overly-saccharine songs. u__u so A.I. really, really doesn’t land with me, much less so than easygoing (like Knocking on the Mind) or somber (like Winter Blossom) songs.

16. Your favorite singer?

ranran...it’s always ranran...

(I do also adore Natsuki’s and Camus’s voices! I tend to like deeper, richer vocal qualities, but you just can’t beat Ranmaru’s subtle growls and high-energy rock!!!! <3)

17. Your favorite group/trio/duo?

god what combo of these idiots DONT i love? I could watch Reiji prank and tease Ranmaru all fuckin day, and I also really like it when Ran’s at his most ‘tuff big bro-y’ with, like, Ai, Otoya, and Cecil!!! but honestly I do like how the Ran/Masa/Ren trio isn’t so straightforward and is more or less held together by a thin string of professionalism, there’s something i appreciate about not forcing ppl to just bury the hatchet and be Perfect Friends but you all can still care about each other? (Ranmaru needs to be nicer to them still but...)

i need to suggest one that isn’t ranmaru centric fjdsioafjsa i fuckin love Soccer Buds (otosyo) and I loooooove it when Otoya and Cecil are good to each other!!!

18. Your favorite member of Starish?

they’re all my favorite but if you REALLY had to make me pick.....Masato, probably, haha. I just...if you take yourself too seriously and care so much about everything but still know how to be Nasty how can I not love you???

19. Your favorite member of Quartet Night?

what do you fuckin think, hoss

20. Your favorite member of Heavens?

I mentioned earlier I don’t really know Heavens well, so ofc this is all liable to change! But off the bat I love what a conniving yet wholesome bastard Eiichi is and Van is just the kinda guy I would rib and pal around with IRL!!

21. Your favorite seiyuu/voice actor?

Ahhh that’s tough! I love all these goofbags, and Tattsun really is just so cool and makes music I’m pretty about. But I think I gotta give it to Suwabe, his performances are always so him but still pretty varied, and how can you not adore a man who loves his chihuahuas that much???

(if i’m being 100% honest Tattsun lost points bc he voices my absolute least favorite character in granblue ffjsfjisda)

22. Favorite Drama CD?

HMMMMMMM see as a certified Giant Tool for Everything Mecha and silly and extra, I enjoyed the hell out of Polaris, but it really suffers from a lack of Ranmaru in my humble fuckin opinion lmao. So even though I’m not one for pirate stuff most of the time, I gotta give it to Pirates of the Frontier!! I really loved Ranmaru and Otoya’s dynamic in that one, and Camus was juuuuust the right amount of shitheel, too.

I haven’t heard the whole thing but that thing from Egoistic where Natsuki squeezes Ranmaru to death and Eiichi’s just like ‘WUAHAHAHAHAH’ is also the mcfuckin best.

23. Your favorite shining live card?

CAN’T PICK

HOW COULD I POSSIBLY PICK?????????? LIKE??? I love the fucking dumb, dumb, dumb ostentatiousness of Evil Villains, I LOVE a good heel, and I also worked so so hard to t1 that event and had a lot of fun doing it!! But also, I just love his big smile and all the energy and mixed prints from Fortune and Prosperity, and it was literally the first time I ever got the exact card I was rolling for in a gacha on the last pull I had left!! (He also came home during a time I was really going through some shit, and ngl it rescued me a little bit!) but AHHHH Soulful Bass also came out right around my birthday, I love all the textures in the outfit and it’s generally the most My Aesthetique thing Utapri has ever released!!! And god, I just love it when he’s so confident and in his element like this, it sets me on FIRE to see him light up the stage wurghjgfj ;___; They all make me just want to HUG SO MUCH ARGGHHHHH

24. Your favorite song beatmap?

Ahhh I think Shining Live really has great beatmaps across the board so that’s a tough pick! Almost all of them are super fun in their own way, but I think I gotta hand it to Wild Soul, Top Star Revolution, and Innocent Wind!

25. Your least favorite song beatmap?

A.I. u__u Sorry, Ai...it’s just not fun for me.

26. Black Deja Vu or White Gravity?

Actually I’m really glad for this question bc I’ve been so busy lately I hadn’t given myself the time to really check them out! checking .........

and yep. Black Deja Vu. (I mean...Ranmaru is on it, haha.) But I’m so about this. Love this heavier sound and all these harmonies, this is so juicy. (White Gravity also absolutely kicks ass though!! I’m really liking that voice group, it’s making especially good use of those higher registers!)

27. Utapri merch that you own/want?

Honestly I don’t have much u__u Not a lot of Utapri merch is my thing...you know? I’m mostly shopping for Ran merch if I’m getting any, but I’m very picky about how he gets drawn? Keeping his toughness and a particular clothing style about him is so essential, haha, and barely anything hits that sweet spot for me. But I will say I adored the whole ‘My Favorite Things’ series, and if I had the budget and space atm I’d love to get some of the Ran goodies from that line!

28. How did you get into Utapri?

I first heard about it through some acquaintances from cosplay before Quartet Night was a thing. It didn’t appeal enough to my heavy metal ass to make me drop everything and try it, but I did have an interest in it I couldn’t explain and I’d always intended on trying it out. (especially after I got into Love Live and idol anime for a bit.) But it was Shining Live that got me! And I really only downloaded Shining Live because I was super exhausted after a business trip, didn’t want to leave bed once I got back home, and just wanted to sink my teeth in something new I could enjoy for hours while lying down, haha.

29. A set theme in shining live that you want to see in the future?

This will surprise nobody, but something tougher. More rock, more punk, more metal. I want all of them in studs and spikes and leather, and I want less polish. More rough!

I’d also love a wrestler set complete with who’s-a-heel-who’s-a-face but that’s a pipe dream and a half, lmao.

30. Why do you love your best boy?

Oh boy.

I think he’s this powerhouse of a human bean who can face a ton of pain and meet it with a big middle finger. And that middle finger is chasing after ambitious dreams, of spreading the power and soul of the same music that made me who I am and influences so much of my work, but also being ... you know, smart about it? He’s an idol because like, sure, maybe it’s not the OG dream, but you can’t dream if you’re dead, and you also deserve to give yourself a life and platform to share some of who you are, and you can do a lot of good with that, too. (And I won’t lie, I respect the drama of a man who takes his hair that seriously and commits so hard to the aesthetic he wears fuckin mismatched contacts i just. charm point )

But at the same time....I don’t know, this might sound presumptuous, but. I think. I just think he’d think I’m as neat as I think he is. I’m an ambitious, passionate person, too, and I also furiously stick to my ideals, and I also love the same kind of soul of music he does. I lean a little more metal than I do rock, but I think that’s nice, like sharing it has that ‘alike but different’ kind of familiarity and novelty all at once. Sometimes it’s tough sharing just how deeply rock and metal have sculpted me and my artwork (and therefore my career), bc it’s so deeply personal to me, and sometimes there’s weird elitism/misogyny/racism to deal with, too. But. The way he talks about rock, the way he describes the passion and how it transcends identity and is just a pure rush of power and sharing your feelings..................it just feels like he Gets it the same way I do. Just that unspoken, burning passion and understanding. I know it sounds weird to feel that strongly over just a music genre, but I just vibe with how to him, it really isn’t ‘just’ a music genre. I feel more accepting of myself for it, and I’d like to think he’d be real proud of himself for that.

And listen, like....I’m very sentimental, but I really don’t like saccharine, flowery, romantic kinds of affection to be lavished on me. Just be straightforward but also a little tsun about it fjdsjfas and ..... those are the kind of feelings I can accept. And that’s the way Ranmaru is, and it’s also grounded in the kind of reality that I don’t like to be swept away from. He’s just so cool and hardworking and unwavering in his passion, it makes it easier for me to do the same despite all the bumps in the road. This got real long but Ran’s a cool dude, haha, I got a lot of positives to say.

Anyways, I never tag folks for these things, but I love seeing everyone’s answers! If you see this and wanna fill it, feel free to count this as a tag from me :) I know this got real long, but with 30 questions how could it not haha? Thanks for reading and sticking around!

#iron maiden & rocka rolla #memery #long post

5 notes · View notes

the-bounce-back · 5 years

Text

THE CONFIDENCE CHRONICLES IV - CONFIDENCE IN YOUR CRAFT

This is post 4/5 of my “Confidence Chronicles” series, in which I discuss the mindsets, actions and thought processes I’ve applied to build/rebuild my confidence in different aspects of my life. The goal of these 5 posts is for you readers to be able to apply relevant points to your own insecurities in order to combat them, and hopefully aid in building your own confidence over time.

_____________

Oooh, check me out with the post consistency. That’s how you know it’s a new year and decade, baby!

I’d like to start off by saying that I have been excited to write this post in particular for quite a long while now - literally since about July last year. However, my life was a bit of a mess at the time, and I didn’t want to put the previous post on hold, so it had to wait until now.

Maybe this was for the best, though - this post is going to be about confidence in your craft and the projects you put out into the world. Although I was literally planning on writing this post around 7 months ago, I can honestly say that my confidence levels in my own projects have never been higher than right now, so writing about it now makes more sense. See, procrastination helps!

Anyways. To kick this post off, I want to take some time to acknowledge my many talents. Besides my *impeccable* blogging skills, not many people know that I’ve dabbled in acting and drumming in the past, and I am currently also writing a book (more about that in a future post) and getting back into interior design, learning new languages and drawing. These are my current favourite pastimes, and what I say to people whenever I’m asked what my “hobbies” are.

The reason why I’m sharing this is because I want people to understand that unless you are vocal about your passions, how the hell are other people meant to be able to support and appreciate your work? It goes without saying that bigging yourself up and showing off your talents can feel extremely vain if you are a naturally reserved/humble person - but my hope is that this post will teach you how to be more confident in your work.

I am very excited to share this post because I am blessed to have friends of what feels like millions of different talents. Actors, musicians, podcasters, poets, youtubers, models, MUA’s, chefs, hair stylists… the list goes on, and it makes me so proud to see that they are all in their respective creative bags right now - so this post is somewhat dedicated to them as well if they ever have feelings of insecurity in their talents.

I will be talking about what I have found to be the most important factors of being confident in your creativity, not letting criticism (constructive or otherwise) make you want to give up, and getting over the initial fear of putting something you’ve created out into the world, because let’s face it; sharing something you’ve created can be incredibly vulnerable. You are essentially sharing a private aspect of yourself for the world to critically analyse, and it’s normal to find this daunting - however, it’s all about how you handle it.

Based on my own experiences and anonymous examples from my friends, I will try my best to explain how best to develop a deep sense of confidence and pride in your creative endeavours.

1. Ensure that you are doing your craft out of passion.

Regardless of if you are creating content solely for your own enjoyment or to capitalise on it, I definitely think that it is imperative that what you are doing fills you with joy and that you are excited to do the activity. This may sound like a no-brainer, but I feel like I see a lot of people nowadays forcing themselves to pursue certain endeavours due to influences from social media, or are forcing themselves to capitalise off a hobby they used to love, but now hate because of the added pressure of having to create content/products for the target audience.

This is partly why I am apprehensive about ways of monetising this blog - or any of my other creative projects, for that matter. I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t crossed my mind, but my biggest fear is starting to resent an activity I once loved because of external pressure such as deadlines, not having full creative control and having to “tread carefully” with the messages I put out, if that makes sense.

Pursuing a hobby for the sole purpose of others is never going to make you feel that what you’re creating is good. Constantly trying to please the masses as opposed to just doing whatever makes you feel happy is always going to make you feel anxious and scared of the reception, I think. Instead, I’d suggest that you evaluate what is more important to you: approval or enjoyment. If it’s the former, then by all means… keep forcing yourself to pursue hobbies that may or may not give you recognition. Who knows - maybe you’ll blow up and get the sponsorships, money and fans that you want, and I don’t even mean this in a petty or sarcastic way. If that’s what you set out to do, then I’d be very happy for you.

However, I reiterate: pursuing a hobby for anyone other than yourself runs a great risk of becoming a burden in the long run, as well as a risk of losing your self confidence when you don’t get the attention or accolades that you believe that you deserve.

I think I have an issue with the above because it relates back to past posts in which I’ve discussed humans’ desperation to be approved and acknowledged by their peers. It alludes to a deeply rooted insecurity in yourself, your abilities and your belief in said abilities - I only say this because this literally used to be me before deciding to sack everyone off and do whatever the f*ck I wanted.

Personally, my dream scenario would be for people to find a hobby that they are truly passionate about and that they can capitalise off in a way that doesn’t restrict their creative process and that is on their own terms. Because, let’s be honest - receiving money and accolades doing something that you truly love is a major confidence boost… regardless of if the money and recognition motivates you or not. But the bottom line is that your confidence in your creativity should not be rooted in anything else but your own joy.

2. Appoint a/some constructive critic(s).

It goes without saying that true confidence comes from ~*wItHiN*~, but there is nothing wrong with looking to friends and/or family for opinions and support. In fact, I’d even go as far as saying that having someone who understands your vision and wants you to achieve your goals is a must.

This someone is a crucial part of the creative process, because they will ideally motivate (aka bully...exactly like the gif above) you into meeting the deadlines you set for yourself, give you honest feedback and give you a kick up the arse on the days where you don’t really feel like doing anything. They will remind you of the reason why you started your project when you feel like giving up - and having someone like this in your corner that unconditionally believes in you is a massive ego boost.

Something that’s even better than having one person in your corner is having multiple people in your corner. And something that’s even better than having multiple people in your corner, is having multiple people in your corner that are also creative and have their own projects going on. It doesn’t necessarily have to be a group of people with the exact same hobby as you (although this definitely helps too!), but surrounding yourself with people that are also making things happen for themselves gives you a beautiful sense of community. I can only speak for myself, but forming friendships with other creatives has definitely helped me come out of my shell. I still remember when I first “pitched” my blog idea to my friends - thinking that I’d get a lukewarm response (because let’s face it… a lot of people unfortunately don’t enjoy reading anymore) - but the positive feedback and support I got is what gave me the confidence to actually start. And when I was on my hiatus, I’d be harassed for updates on when my next post was coming, and brutally dragged when I didn’t post on the days I had promised. The same goes for their projects as well - it was only recently that we had to bully someone for not releasing their podcast when they said they would.

Another aspect of having a group of critics that believe in you is the motivation you get from seeing them putting their plans into action. Honestly. Seeing my friends’ work ethics and how hard they grind makes me want to be better - not only to keep up, but for myself in general.

The bottom line is that although you don’t need people in your corner to get started, it is definitely a major asset to have. You should be confident that your work is great by your own accord, but getting it confirmed - or receiving feedback for improvements - is just another key to improving your confidence.

3. Do not be afraid of vulnerability (if your craft requires you to do so).

Believe me… I get it. Putting out something you’ve created for the entire planet to see can be incredibly daunting, especially if a lot of emotion has gone into it. It feels like you’re putting a very dainty and vulnerable part of you out on a perilous battlefield, out in the open where nowhere to take cover. This is where a lot of us (myself included) tend to overthink sharing our work, or in some cases chose not to share it at all. If only you guys knew how many draft posts have ended up in the bin because I was worried about being judged (they’re being revived though, fear not!)... it’s mad how much fear and anxiety can hold you back from being great.

This is where it’s important to understand the power of being able to be vulnerable, honest and open through your selected medium. As cringe as it sounds, opening your heart to the world and letting people see your insecurities, unresolved issues and things you’d much rather hide leads to the situations power over you significantly diminishing. And the more you do it, the closer you get to the situation no longer being able to hurt you anymore - because once it’s out in the open, nothing or no one can actually tell you sh*t. Once you get to the point of no longer caring who knows what your internal struggles are, I promise that you feel insanely confident and empowered, because you are no longer living in fear.

Another beautiful aspect of vulnerability in relation to self-confidence is that ever so often, you get to hear that your work has genuinely helped, inspired or motivated someone. I know I said that validation and approval from others isn’t the best reason for pursuing a hobby, but this is different in the sense that you’re doing your thing regardless of if you get positive feedback for it - the recognition is truly just a bonus, but a contributor to increased confidence all the same.

Hopefully, utilising these three methods will make you feel a great deal more confident about your creative projects/side hustles for the following reasons:

You’re doing this project primarily because it brings you joy.

The way I see it, taking time out of your day to do something that makes you genuinely happy is an act of self-care and incredibly empowering, in the sense that we are choosing to not be distracted and led astray by the infinite amount of garbage media that is constantly in our faces due to social media. Being able to make time on a project - whatever it may be - that brings you happiness and engages your right brain is a massive blessing in our age group, as we take on more and more responsibilities that eat up our time and drain us.

A cute metaphor for this could be that your day to day routine is a desert. Going to work/uni, doing work/uni related projects, doing chores around the house and all your other responsibilities is walking around for hours in the sun, making us drained, famished and parched. Our hobbies should be like a much-welcomed oasis, providing us with water, food, shade and somewhere to recharge (joy, inspiration, motivation and a well-deserved break for the brain).

Okay, that was a bit cringe. But you get the point - allowing ourselves to have something in this hard life to enjoy is a confidence boost in itself.

After paying attention to the feedback you get, you’ll become even more skilled at your craft over time.

It’s no conundrum that experience equals expertise, and that constantly improving your creative process in accordance with feedback from someone you know understands your vision will make you more sure of yourself in the long run.

Think about it: if you’re already doing something you genuinely love, and you have a trusted person/trusted people in your life to turn to for genuine opinions, how can you not win?

By “winning”, I mean your work getting progressively better over time, combined with a feeling of security and support from your peers. I mean becoming more emotionally, mentally, spiritually and maybe even financially (if you’re so inclined) stable through doing something you genuinely love. The prize is peace of mind, feeling supported, and full creative control of your work - and I honestly can’t think of anything more satisfying.

You’re taking control of your doubts and insecurities and flipping them into assets.

For me, this is a no brainer. What could possibly be more confidence-boosting than overcoming insecurities and being able to use them to your advantage in your creative endeavours? It’s literally what my entire blog is based upon, and writing about things that have caused me a great deal of pain in the past has ended up being a very therapeutic and cathartic experience, as well as extremely empowering - in the sense that I don’t allow certain situations have control over me anymore. I can now focus on continuing to heal, and help others who may come across my work in the meantime.

Having a personal project that challenges you to face and overcome your insecurities is something that I think everyone should try to have. It might get hard at times and extremely tempting to quit, but once your work is ready for the world to see I promise you that you’ll get a boost in confidence.

By keeping these three points in mind, I can pretty much guarantee that you’ll feel infinitely more confident in your creative projects. Knowing that you’re putting your entire heart into a project that you are sharing with the whole world, knowing that you have supporters that you can trust with honest opinions and feedback and knowing that you’ve stayed true to yourself regardless of if the norm enjoys is an ideal state of mind to be in.

On a final note, I want to reiterate that there is no “wrong” or “right” way to have a hobby and gain confidence from it. This post is just general guidelines that really helped me come out of my shell creatively, and I’d like to think it’d work for others too. However, you know best how comfortable you are with exposing your work and what your existing confidence levels are like, so please proceed accordingly (and don’t blame me if things go tits up because you decided not to take the time to listen to yourself!).

Love,

Liv

#selfhelp #selflove #goals #empowerment

2 notes · View notes

goingbackthroughthelookingglass · 5 years

Text

First Day. First Dose.

Today I begin microdosing Psilocybin Mushrooms.

Trying to get a handle on my depression has been a bit of a struggle. Before my depression hit, I would say I was pretty carefree. I remember friends describing me as someone who refused to see obstacles as obstacles, but rather challenges. My brother jokes with me that my magic and what I use to cast is by being able to pluck willpower out of thin air and use it for my own devices. I didn’t feel invincible; failure was definitely something in my life. But it never stopped me. Failure used to only be proof that my first plan didn’t work, and rather than wallowing in it, it was just back to the drawing board to come up with plan b, and c, and d, and e.

And I was SO CREATIVE. God! I used to write. Poetry, songs, fiction, non-fiction, short stories. I used to sing, and paint, and needlework, and sculpt, and draw, and craft and just DO. The need to create something because my imagination was just too full was a driving force. Unstoppable. I miss that. I miss that me.

Now, I literally feel dumb. I am a college graduate with a private education (A-B student) that has trouble thinking of words. I feel like my depression has made me stupid. I lose track of what I am thinking in the moment. I can’t remember simple orders of operations (like when you need to run errands, and you have a list of things you need to do before other things...I couldn’t even do THAT). I feel weighted, like my brain is trying to think through sludge sometimes. Or that the thing I want in my brain is “slightly to the left.” Especially words. Yes, some of it is age, but the rapid progression is scary, and it’s NOT normal, and something is WRONG. I found out that depression can change your brain’s chemistry, that it can change your memories and your thought processes.

My depression does not manifest in sad or suicidal thoughts. It manifests in anhedonia, which is a term I recently found out means a lack of pleasure in doing things. A symptom of that is a lack of motivation. Why do anything if it doesn’t bring you even an ounce of joy? I was finding it hard to get out of bed again (the last time being a major bout of depression in 2015 that quite nearly killed me). And I couldn’t take it anymore. I’m done playing this game, and a true Slytherin wouldn’t allow this to continue...not when there were things that would give me an advantage.

March 7th I began anti-depressants. I started on Prozac, and for the first week, almost immediately, things felt effortless again. I had forgotten what that FELT like. Unfortunately, a couple weeks in the Prozac began to stop working. My family does well on Lexapro, so my doctor switched me to that April 11th. It’s definitely helping. Since March I have only missed one dose, and that was because my refill came in a day late (my fault, I totally should have ordered sooner). Now, it is May 26th. I’ve been taking 10mg of Lexapro for 5 weeks. For the most part...it works. My apartment has been cleaner, my finances (a big trigger for my depression) have been a bit better, but there have been some close calls. I feel I’m still not up to where I want to be.

Before starting medication, somehow (and IDK how) I stumbled onto the knowledge of microdosing. And for months I’ve kind of been sitting on this knowledge, thinking about it and considering it. You see, while I’m not in any way a vanilla person, never have I ever used a purely illegal substance. I did some Adderall in college a handful of times, but even though weed is legal where I am (now), I’ve never touched it. I’ve always had a pretty negative view of those things. When I was little drugs and alcohol took my parents away. My father left, and my mom went into rehab during some pretty formative years. Because I cannot blame them for their addictions, I blamed the drugs. While I very VERY occasionally socially drink, drugs were just always a thing I hated.

I’ve found I hate something more than that now. I hate my depression, and whether I have to be on a prescription or illicit I will do anything I can to beat that fucker down to something that I can manage. It’s not even just for my life anymore. I have a team of people that I work with, that I’m leading, in a very creative endeavor. I NEED ME BACK. And I’ll fight tooth and nail to get me back. There is no prince to come and rescue me from the tower; it’s all me, and I’ll use whatever I can at my disposal.

Last week, I acquired Psilocybin Mushrooms. I read everything out there I could on microdosing, how to do it, people’s experiences (Reddit is great for that actually). I bought everything I needed (capsules, scale, the mortar and pestle I already had) which came in today. And today, May 26th, I’ve taken my first microdose. I am still taking my anti-depressant (since I’m on the lowest therapeutic dose anyway).

Time: 3:07PM Amount: 0.1g Schedule: 1 dose, every 3 days, for a month trial.

This tumblog will be my experience. I hope someone else finds it helpful.

#microdosing #mushrooms #microdose #Psilocybin Mushrooms #Psilocybin

13 notes · View notes

samtheflamingomain · 3 years

Text

one week down

I went into inpatient rehab last Monday and figured now would be a good time to give an update. I have a lot to say, but I know not everyone cares deeply about every minute detail, so I'll do a quick highlight reel for those mildly interested.

There's 5 of us, 3 men, 2 women. I'm the youngest by 7 years, and the only one here for just alcohol and weed. We have 6h of mandatory classes/groups every day except weekends when it's 1.5h. The classes are pretty boring and mostly stuff I learned from entry-level CBT/DBT with a few hidden gems of wisdom here and there.

We wake up at 8, DIY breakfast, class for 2.5h, lunch, 1.5h class, break, 1h class, dinner, an optional walk around the block, another 1h class, then bedtime meds and last smoke break at 10pm. No mandatory lights out time but I'm usually exhausted and out by 10:30.

The food sucks, but I'm trying to lose weight so I'm glad it does. I've already lost 6 pounds. On the other hand, I can't remember the last time I ate 2 meals with vegetables for a week straight. I'm smoking 3 times as much as I ever have, because everyone else is a "pack-a-day" smoker and it's been great to take away cravings and also socialize.

I really like the people in the group, and there are 2 staff members who are very well-liked because they're great, 2 that are okay, 2 that are serious hard-asses, and one who's just an outright asshole piece of shit with no business being in the healthcare field.

I'm in a weird kind of mindset where I go back and forth between "I never need to drink again" and "I can probably get drunk once or twice a month, the others here are much worse off than me, so comparatively, my addictions aren't such a big deal". I know that neither of these mindsets are truly healthy. The first because I know there will be days where I will want to drink and I need to plan for that, and the second because I simply cannot do moderation, and my life and problems aren't diminished by the existence of others' problems.

As for poppers, the other thing I'm quitting, I know I can never do them again. Poppers are all-or-nothing. It's impossible to moderate them because I would just do them all day every day, and the few times I've tried to quit them myself, by day 3 I'm digging through garbage to make a DIY bong. Quitting alcohol makes me restless, which I can manage. Quitting poppers makes me so depressed that I get suicidal.

Sorry, that was the "short" version but it got away from me. Now for a bit more detail.

I had to be 5 days sober of alcohol to come in, so it's been nearly 2 full weeks since my last drink, and exactly 2 weeks since the last time I got drunk. I still fantasize about getting sloshed again, but the rational part of my brain is slowly coming back and overriding those thoughts. I haven't had a severe craving to the point where I want to quit or even to the point where I've been super restless, largely because they keep us busy.

Poppers however... on day 2 I was having a fucking breakdown. On the floor sobbing. I went out for a smoke and one of the girls, call her Lisa, was out. I told her how bad I wanted to rip a popper and she said this: "What if you sucked really hard on the cigarette, held it in, then exhaled?" And it fucking worked. Instant headrush. Only about 20% as good as a real popper, but enough that I instantly felt better. Homegirl is a life-saver; I never would've even thought of that because I'd never imagined it would work. Part of doing a popper is smoking a piece of unfiltered cigarette very quickly, so I assumed smoking through a filter wouldn't get the job done.

I miss my kitty, but I'm not homesick like everyone else. They all have kids and 3 are in long-term relationships. 2 are likely going to prison for shit they did while fucked up on opioids and want to show the court that they're working to better themselves and get clean. They have reasons to quit. I... I feel like I really don't.

Yeah, my health has been slowly deteriorating for the past 4-5 years, and I've been very overweight for the past 2-3 years (beer belly), and I spend more money on alcohol than I'd like to admit, but what I spend in a year, Lisa spends on heroin in a weekend. To make things harder for myself, I literally have not had a hangover in 2+ years. I could drink a 26er in 4 hours and wake up absolutely fine.

But I know that my way of life, getting blackout drunk 7 days a week, isn't sustainable. I know that some alcoholics do that for 50+ years, but I'm still pretty young, and I don't want to wake up at age 40 realizing I've pissed away 1/3rd of my life just being drunk.

I guess, when I really boil it down, I want to go back to who I was before I started drinking. I had so much potential to do great things when I graduated high school, and since then it's been a steady decline in my productivity and motivation.

Something that's surprised me about being here is that I've gotten more shit done in the past week than I do most MONTHS. There's a piano that I play for an hour a day, which I haven't done since I was a teenager. There's a treadmill I've used a few times. There's enough down-time for me to work on some embroidery and drawing, but most importantly, I started writing again.

I "finished" my first novel 8 years ago, and I've been trying to rewrite it in its entirety ever since. Draft One was 150,000 words, and Rewrite has been stuck at 25k for almost 2 years now. After a week, it's up to 35k.

And I think I have to attribute this to my lack of drinking. I never realized just how much it affected my motivation before. I used to open the document, force myself to crunch out a paragraph or two and then put it back on the shelf for a few months.

Now, I'm not forcing anything. It's coming to me. I'm inspired. I'm confident. I'm excited.

I've been feeling like I'd lost my spark, my drive to create things, for years now. And it's only been 2 weeks sober and I'm getting that spark back. I guess I do have a reason to quit: I'm not going to accomplish anything, or at least not anything I'm excited about, if I go back to drinking.

Another thing I've noticed is that I'm much more process-oriented. The task of writing always seemed too daunting and stressful because I just want the fucker to be done already. Now, I'm truly enjoying just getting through a scene or chapter. Even just a clever turn of phrase releases the Happy Chemical for me now.

To wrap up this absolute saga of epic length, I want to talk about the people a bit more. It's pretty rare that I get put into a group of people and I genuinely like all of them and none of them annoy me. The last time I was in a classroom with others, we were literally "learning" to identify parts of sentences and doing absolute beginner-level word processing. It was agonizing, because every single person in that class was a fucking idiot and would ask the stupidest questions, take forever to read a paragraph aloud while mispronouncing very common words. I'm not being a know-it-all dick, either. It's objectively true. How do I know? Out of 25, only me and one other person passed the course despite them all attending class regularly.

All that to say, these people are genuinely smart and likeable. John is an absolute encyclopedia on guitars, machinery, cars, and has done pretty much every skilled trade under the sun. He's also had a lot of interesting life experiences. Rick is a yoga guru who brought 12 books ranging from Zen Buddhism to abstract physics, and while I don't believe in 'chakras' and 'healing energies', he doesn't annoy me because he really only talks about it in relation to himself and how it's helped him, which I can respect. Christy is a PSW, and I mention that because she has a way of phrasing things in a wise, educated way, because that's how PSWs get good: they learn to communicate very well. She actually native and lives on a reserve, so she always has something interesting to talk about. Lisa is so well-traveled that when I mentioned I could name all the capitals, she pulled out fucking Tajikistan. She'd never been there. She's also South African and lived during apartheid, and is much more knowledgeable on the subject than myself, and I consider myself pretty well-read on it.

There's no stupid questions that take up half the class to answer, nobody takes 15 minutes to read a paragraph, and everyone is truly putting in the work.

I'm still nervous about coming back home, but my worries get less and less daunting with each passing day.

One week down, 2 more to go. Back at 'er at 9am tomorrow, rain or shine.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

#rehab #alcoholism #drugs tw #alcohol tw #sam

0 notes

dustedmagazine · 7 years

Text

Ian Mathers: Year in Review 2017

If there’s a general thread to be found in all the summings-up of 2017, both here at Dusted and elsewhere, unsurprisingly it mostly seems to be that 2017 was a crap year. It’s been heartening to see many friends and loved ones reflecting on the personal successes they’ve had despite the ongoing decay and dissolution of things on a less personal level, but honestly I can’t even claim that. I’m writing this on just barely the other side of a stomach bug that, between my wife and I, disrupted plans and made things miserable for us for over a week now, and that was just 2017’s last kick at the can in terms of medical problems for two of us. (Hers chronic, mine acute — meaning I have the scarier medical procedure coming up but also the hope things will go back to “normal.”) All of that probably indicates why, despite me finding just as much a respite in music as any of my colleagues, 2017 was my worst year for listening to current music since I started keeping track.

There’s no magical number of albums or songs one “should” listen to, of course, not even if you write about music, but I think it’s fair to acknowledge that a breadth of listening can be helpful in terms of context and everything else. And of course none of us, these days, can listen to more than a fragment of what’s out there, especially once you add in day jobs, relationships, commuting, sleeping, etc., etc. I don’t so much set a yearly goal for myself as just know how many albums I intended to give a listen to, because of things I’ve read or existing love for a band or songs I hear somewhere or what have you, and the last few years I’ve been mostly successful at getting through that backlog by the end of the year. This year, with 51 records under my belt, I’ve still listened to a lot more than most people out there, albeit not necessarily in the smaller sphere of those of us who read or write for Dusted. But I still have 42(!) albums sitting in my folder, reproaching me. There’s everything from stuff I’ve never heard that colleagues here have made persuasive cases for to new, highly-praised efforts by bands I’ve loved for years. I am not sure exactly what slowed me down all year, but 2017 was a year where I wore my favorite Mountain Goats t-shirt to multiple medical procedures as a lucky talisman and still couldn’t bring myself to play their new album for months after it came out (it’s good; I think I’ll wind up loving it; I haven’t given it enough time yet).

This, incidentally, is why I enjoy these kind of year-end wrap ups and peeks behind the curtain; god knows there’s no writer who’s an infallible machine, consuming all records of interest and immediately ranking them, but especially on this end of the business where we’re doing it for love, not money, these kinds of things become concerns more often than you might think. I want to read the people I want to read about music because I appreciate their taste, their skill and their passion, not because I think I can select some magic combination that will tell me every record I’ll love that year.

The happier side to my relatively smaller listening pool in 2017 is that I quickly did find a lot of records I adored, and I played them a lot. External commitments, particularly to Dusted, were basically all that worked to motivate me, so a lot of those records I loved I wrote about here. When it came time to try and draw up a personal best-of I found even after being fairly strict with myself I could only get it down to 25, just under half of the records I spent real time with in 2017. Of those, I wrote about 17 here at Dusted; two more were covered here by others (Patrick Masterson’s excellent piece on Godspeed You! Black Emperor is here and Bill Meyer got me to finally check out Bardo Pond, who I had been correctly suspecting I would love for literally years, here). Then there’s Fujiya & Miyagi’s self-titled album/EP collection, which I had covered the first two thirds of here and here; there’s maybe no better sign of the way the end of 2017 collapsed in on me than that I couldn’t find the time and energy to write up an excellent album by a band I love that I’d been eagerly looking forward to writing about since last year (in any case, it works even better in resequenced album form, please do check it out). After that we’re left with five albums I loved, in some cases for practically all of 2017, that I meant to write about for Dusted, even if just here. After I’ve got my complete list of 25 with links to the reviews as applicable.

EMA — Exile in the Outer Ring

youtube

Erika M Anderson made my favorite record of 2014 and came back this year with another powerfully personal, noisy, prescient and clear-eyed collection of songs, this time aimed at a totally different void than The Future’s Void was. I’m not sure I saw a better horror movie in 2017 than the crawling, dreadful fuzz of “Breathalyzer” (even as the video deflects that, for good reason), but for every trauma this record vivisects (abuse and its effects on “7 Years” and “Where the Darkness Begin,” misogyny on “Receive Love,” poverty on “Down and Out”) there’s a defiant charge like “I Wanna Destroy” or “33 Nihilistic and Female” (or even “Aryan Nation,” maybe the record’s most potent mix of the two) to keep this from being just a plunge into the pessimistic abyss. Anderson’s an honest enough observer and artist that she never pretends to have the answers, or even know how to find them, but this marks six years of her work being absolutely vital. Understanding, diagnosis, defiance, support; in 2017 we need all of them, at once, and plenty of them.

High Plains — Cinderland

youtube

Scott Morgan (aka loscil, who I’ve praised here before) and cellist Mark Bridges first met on residencies at the Banff Centre for the Arts in 2014 and made Cinderland in Wyoming, even though they live in British Columbia and Wisconsin, respectively; all, fittingly enough, for an album so intensely concerned with geography and a kind of sonic terroir. These 9 tracks (coming in at a compact 36:16 total) were recorded using a portable studio, allowing Bridges’ cello, the local Steinway and Morgan’s field recordings and electronic manipulation to be captured in the raw. Even on a track like the piano-sampling “Ten Sleep” this doesn’t just feel like loscil with a cellist playing along, though, and the collaboration ultimately feels like even more than the sum of its parts. Whether it’s the intensely cinematic duo playing on the opening title track or the drop to end all drops on the terrifying “A White Truck” or the luxuriating in the sound of Bridges’ cello on “Black Shimmer,” Cinderland is very much an invitation to this distinct place and time; I suspect it is either the best or worst possible album for playing when driving at night in the winter.

Mogwai — Every Country’s Sun

youtube

It would be a mistake to assign too much seriousness to Mogwai’s music, however broodingly powerful it might be in action (see the breakdown of how they came up with song titles this time on their YouTube channel for a good example of what I mean), but leaving aside soundtracks and compilations this is the long-running Scottish band’s first album as an official quartet, and it comes after two excellent records that both seemed to embrace their long history (Hardcore Will Never Die, But You Will.) and strike off in exciting new directions (Rave Tapes). Sure enough Every Country’s Sun splits the difference, and hasn’t lost an ounce of muscle, even if on “Don’t Believe the Fife” they really make you wait for it. There’s rarely been a Mogwai track as gentle as “aka 47” or as desert-fried as “20 Size,” but “Party in the Dark” is merely the latest example in a long line that the band function just as well with vocals and the closing title track is maybe their most violently elegiac crescendo since the great “Helicon 1.” Whether it’s the straightforward thrash through “Old Poisons” or the synthesized crunch of “Brain Sweeties,” there’s a little something of everything here.

The National — Sleep Well Beast

youtube

If the main hit against the National for a while was that they kind of just always sounded the same (which was about as true and as damning as it was when it’s been used against anyone from the Ramones on down), then the expanded palette of Sleep Well Beast ought to satisfy. Honestly, for me it took a while to integrate those elements into my listening, particularly because they’re more prominent on the mid-tempo kind of National song that always take longer to blossom for me. But then the National are probably the band I love the most that have the strongest track record of me wondering if I don’t love them any more until I’ve played the new record 5-6 times. Here, even now that I appreciate anew Matt Berninger’s powerfully ambiguous lyrics and performance and the well-oiled interplay of the rest of the band this feels like a bit of a growing-pains record to me; at 56 minutes it feels like a few of the songs could have been trimmed by a minute or two (and the interesting digital collage of the title track should be maybe half the length of its 6:26 and moved back to let “Dark Side of the Gym” end the record, like it feels like it should). But, and this is a very large but, the National still manage to write and play beautifully about emotions I’m not sure anyone else quite hits and they still felt like an essential part of my year.

SubRosa — Subdued Live at Roadburn 2017

youtube

After you listen to enough music, love enough things, it’s rare enough for a band to stop you in your tracks on first listen. It’s even rarer for the same band to manage the same thing twice — after all, part of the very stunning effect in the first place is the surprise of the new. Salt Lake City’s SubRosa is now the only band to manage to do this to me, not just twice, but twice with the same song. I first heard their song “Whippoorwill,” from 2011’s No Help for the Mighty Ones and was instantly transfixed by the song and the band’s crushing, transcendent doom metal (complete with electric violins). I didn’t even know until recently that the band and the Roadburn festival had put out this 2017 live set, their first time playing the more acoustic “Subdued” versions anywhere except around their home turf. The first track here is “Whippoorwill,” now mesmerizing in a completely distinct way from the album version, and the rest of the album follows suit. Every rendition here, from the earliest material to songs from 2013’s More Constant Than the Gods, is undertaken with a patient gravitas and a stark beauty that is neither more or less beautiful than the more conventionally metal album versions, but instead somehow makes both these versions and the original even more profoundly moving and powerful. For the first time in a long time, I found myself unable to do anything else for the entire length of my first listen to this album.

Favourites of 2017

Anastasia Minster — Hour of the Wolf

Bardo Pond — Under the Pines

Blanck Mass — World Eater

Demen — Nektyr

DREAMDECAY — YÚ

Elbow — Little Fictions

EMA — Exile in the Outer Ring

Fovea Hex — The Salt Garden II

Fujiya & Miyagi — Fujiya & Miyagi

Godspeed You! Black Emperor — Luciferian Towers

High Plains — Cinderland

Jens Lekman — Life Will See You Now

Joe Goddard — Electric Lines

Kelly Lee Owens — s/t

King Woman — Created in the Image of Suffering

Los Campesinos! — Sick Scenes

Mew — Visuals

Mogwai — Every Country’s Sun

The National — Sleep Well Beast

Saltland — A Common Truth

Sam Amidon — The Following Mountain

Shooting Guns — Flavour Country

Slowdive — Slowdive

SubRosa — Subdued Live at Roadburn 2017

Xiu Xiu — Forget

#yearend 2017 #ian mathers #dusted magazine #ema #high plains #mogwai #the national #subrosa

10 notes · View notes

bujo-lettuce-tomato · 7 years

Text

Planning Ahead for Fall: How I do it

So last week, I outlined some steps you can take to plan ahead for the fall semester (that’s in 19 days for me, I am literally counting!) and this week, I’m going to show how I made use of them in my bullet journal :)

Looking Back

I do a lot of this when making any spread, tbh, partly because a little bit of continuity helps my brain, and partly because I really like the way I’ve planned previously! I’m going to draw inspiration from a couple of places: my summer spread (gorgeous, functional!), my April monthly/class-tracker hybrid spread (somewhat like my typical monthly one, but with a class-tracker stuck in) and of course, last semester’s class schedule page (very, very important). Weekly spreads are going to change as needed, of course, but I’m going to try to model them off of my newer vertical spreads rather than my horizontal ones.

Breaking it Down

Now comes the time to think about how I’ve used those spreads I’m drawing from, to figure out what’s worth keeping and what needs changing.

First, my summer spread: I just can’t stop gushing over how darn useful and practical it was! I put a lot of love into it, and it shows. I did fourteen weeks on a single page, with each month color-coded and each day with a dozen squares, in sort of a compressed running calendar. I added mini calendars on the bottom, and used little checkmark-banners on the sides for my exam grades. The writing space was a little bit cramped, and obviously I couldn’t put every event in there, but that also forced me to really focus on the important stuff: upcoming school assignments. Fun fun fun. To extend this spread to seventeen weeks (the semester, the week before, and finals) I’d move the calendars to the side and make the title smaller. I’d also have my grades moved on a separate page, because I like having a hard copy and 5 courses just won’t fit.

Now for monthly spreads. I’d like to keep them consistent, and April seemed to work well. I combined my tried-and-true Class Tracker with part of my typical monthly spread. I used to have important highlights right next to my mini monthly calendar, a week-by-week thing with more room to write underneath, and finally habit trackers at the very bottom. I’m bad at consistently using habit trackers, and that is probably correlated with me not using the “week-of” space either... and besides, the semester-long spread covers that purpose. It all works out. Of course, to have my monthly-class-tracker, I need to use five-week months, which just so happens to work out this semester with some overlapped weeks and a three-week December.

My schedule page is a no-brainer: I’ve had it sketched out since I registered for classes in April, and it looks just like my spring one. Of course, this page also determines the most important thing: color coding! I've been using more or less the same color-coding scheme since middle school, so it’s just a question of adapting what I already have :)

Designing My Spreads!

When I actually put my semester spread on paper, I realized that having the calendars on the left hand side didn’t make sense visually, so I moved everything over to the left. Finally I decided that the calendars were kind of redundant since I already had some in the front of my bujo, and the space would be much better used as a notes-space, where I can expand on weekly events if needed.

I sketched out my monthly spread with a few modifications: The calendar and month title now are squeezed to one side, while monthly highlights and a blank space for goals and motivation take up the rest of that empty space. Also, my class session boxes are going to be outlined in their respective color for quicker visual recognition, because that can’t hurt! ...aaaaand then I realized I wanted to have a grade tracker spread right after my semester spread, because that makes a whole lot of sense. This is why you always sketch spreads in pencil first! Either way, I wasn’t planning to finish this spread until I get back in town for school, so it’s not a big deal to move it at all. Now let’s just hope I don’t wreck this page with eraser smudges :/

I’m also not going to finish my schedule page until after add-drop week is over, because you never know, but given my current classes, I’ve ended up with a really happy, vibrant color scheme! (shown here on my pen test page, because I don’t want to put anything permanent down until I have my final schedule) Purple for developmental bio, magenta for biochem and pink for its lab, red for choir, green for critical writing in biology, yellow for performance in world cultures (my last non-bio elective class, RIP me). Biochem also has what’s listed as a lab but I hear is optional recitation/scheduled office hours? It’s weird, imma roll with it, and definitely not pick a color for it until I can ascertain what, exactly, that hour is dedicated to.

Next Steps

Obviously, I can’t really evaluate my spreads until I actually start using them, but I can set aside time for self-evaluation. I’m going to be doing that purposefully every week (my weekly spreads now include a weekly summary section! I’ve done a mixture of regular journaling and reflecting about my productivity and goals in there, and so far it’s at least not a negative thing. I also do it automatically whenever I make my next monthly or weekly spread, even if it’s more of a “maybe I should move this box over a little and write smaller” kind of thing. I always try to focus on the practical rather than the pretty: yes, sometimes I’ll start on a spread with a theme in mind, but that’s because I already know that the spread is going to work for my purposes that week or month. Usually I just sketch things out and then doodle around the “skeleton”. Art is nice, and it’s part of why I keep doing what I’m doing, but my bullet journal is always also a tool.

So that’s pretty much it! Over the semester, I’ll be posting more regular posts (including study tips, life tips, etc.), and at the end I’ll probably revisit this post to talk about what I’ve learned! It’s all just part of the journey :)

#bullet journal #bujo #bujoinspire #studyblr #myposts

6 notes · View notes

slyther-bird · 8 years

Note

1-92 😘😘

Child pls… I’m gonna put these under a cut because holy shit that’s a lot of questions and I’m not flooding anyone’s dashes (forgive any typos pls. It’s late for me)

1. Would you have sex with the last person you text messaged?

That would be you, so nah bro

2. You talked to an ex today, correct?

Fuck no

3. Have you taken someone’s virginity?

I think so? I was told yes but I don’t know if that was true or not

4. Is trust a big issue for you?

Sometimes, but it depends on the situation

5. Did you hang out with the person you like recently?

Nope

6. What are you excited for?

Right now probably my next skating day

7. What happened tonight?

I shut myself in my room and watched vine compilations while fighting with a drawing and then decided I deserved alcohol and snuck into the kitchen to grab a bottle of wine. And got harassed by my cat because she’s ridiculous

8. Do you think it’s disgusting when girls get really wasted?

I guess it depends on what happens when they get really wasted? I’m usually the one drunk and don’t remember a lot so I couldn’t say

9. Is confidence cute?

In the right situation yea, but not if the person is being cocky and rude

10. What is the last beverage you had?

I’m switching between a white wine and water because the wine isn’t cold and keeps drying out my mouth

11. How many people of the opposite sex do you fully trust?

Maybe 3 max?

12. Do you own a pair of skinny jeans?

Yup

13. What are you gonna do Saturday night?

If I can’t make it to skating probably just watch YouTube and draw

14. What are you going to spend money on next?

It honestly depends when I end up getting a job, but I do need more wood panels for mosaics so probably those

15. Are you going out with the last person you kissed?

Nope

16. Do you think you’ll change in the next 3 months?

I fucking hope so

17. Who do you feel most comfortable talking to about anything?

You tbh

18. The last time you felt broken?

Probably within the last week? It was recent and it’s been a shitty week so

19. Have you had sex today?

Nah mate

20. Are you starting to realize anything?

Not really? I’ve been trying to keep busy with things so I can’t think of anything

21. Are you in a good mood?

I’d say a decent one

22. Would you ever want to swim with sharks?

If it was totally safe and controlled then yea sure

23. Are your eyes the same colour as your dad’s?

No, mine are a really dark brown and his are hazel

24. What do you want right this second?

Probably some motivation tbh. Or a pita

25. What would you say if the person you love/like kissed another girl/boy?

I’m not interested in/looking for anyone right now so it wouldn’t matter?

26. Is your current hair colour your natural hair colour?

Partially. I still haven’t cut off the bleached bits yet. I really should

27. Would you be able to date someone who doesn’t make you laugh?

Depends on their other qualities. I’m not totally in touch with emotions so something could make me laugh one day and not the next

28. What was the last thing that made you laugh?

My cat shoving her paw under my door because she heard me quietly singing

29. Do you really, truly miss someone right now?

Not really? Like I miss you but I usually do so?

30. Does everyone deserve a second chance?

It depends on what they did/want a second chance about

31. Honestly, do you hate the last boy you were talking to?

It was my brother so no not really

32. Does the person you have feelings for right now, know you do?

I don’t have feelings for anyone right now, I’m trying to figure myself out before I worry about that

33. Are you one of those people who never drinks soda?

I haven’t been drinking it a lot because I’m actually kind of taking care of myself and paying attention to a diet lately

34. Listening to?

Waltz Op. 64 No. 2- Chopin (because it’s in the ost playlist for a fanfic I like)

35. Do you ever write in pencil anymore?

I do in sketchbooks or randomly on my walls if I don’t have paper or my phone

36. Do you know where the last person you kissed is?

I don’t know who the last person I kissed is so no?

37. Do you believe in love at first sight?

Not really. It seems like it’s more based on appearance than anything

38. Who did you last call?

I think you?

39. Who was the last person you danced with?

Definitely you, we were dancing in the car a bit ago

40. Why did you kiss the last person you kissed?

I’m not sure since I don’t know who it was

41. When was the last time you ate a cupcake?

Oh god probably some time last fall?

42. Did you hug/kiss one of your parents today?

Yup

43. Ever embarrass yourself in front of a crush?

I’ve embarrassed myself in front of a crush more times than I haven’t

44. Do you tan in the nude?

I don’t tan at all if I can help it

45. If you could, would you take back your last kiss?

¯\_(ツ)_/¯

46. Did you talk to someone until you fell asleep last night?

I don’t think so, I think I was done bitching about sai a couple hours before I actually fell asleep

47. Who was the last person to call you?

I think my mum… She decided she needed to call me instead of texting me and scared me because my ringer was on

48. Do you sing in the shower?

Really quietly because there’s always someone here but yea. It’s honestly more of a performance tbh

49. Do you dance in the car?

Not wildly, but it depends on the song

50. Ever used a bow and arrow?

Yup. You need to remind me to let you try mine btw

51. Last time you got a portrait taken by a photographer?

At last year’s Lions convention I think

52. Do you think musicals are cheesy?

Sometimes, but they’re nice

53. Is Christmas stressful?

Hell yea it is. I have more than one house to get ready for Christmas

54. Ever eat a pierogi?

I literally had those for supper tonight… One of my favourite things tbh

55. Favourite type of fruit pie?

I don’t like fruit pie all that much but I don’t dislike apple pie as much. As long as it’s drowning in caramel and warm

56. Occupations you wanted to be when you were a kid?

The only ones I definitely remember are figure skater, astronaut, astronomer, and palaeontologist

57. Do you believe in ghosts?

Oh yea

58. Ever have a Deja-vu feeling?

Literally more often than not I do

59. Take a vitamin daily?

No but I should be

60. Wear slippers?

Usually only if I’m sick

61. Wear a bath robe?

Not often tbh

62. What do you wear to bed?

Sometimes the clothes from that day, but usually boxers and a shirt or nothing, depends how much I can get off

63. First concert?

I’ve never been to one oops

64. Wal-Mart, Target, or Kmart?

Target was always the best when I was in the states for competitions but I haven’t been in ages so Wal-Mart I guess?

65. Nike or Adidas?

Nike because I like the name more. I don’t even really know what these brands make

66. Cheetos or Fritos?

Cheetossss. That’s how I corral my little cousins

67. Peanuts or sunflower seeds?

Sunflower seeds if they’re not too much work

68. Favourite Taylor Swift song?

Bad Blood or Shake it Off

69. Ever take dance lessons?

I took ballet and tap when I was younger. I was kind of thinking about starting ballet again because I like it and it’ll help with skating

70. Is there a profession you picture your future spouse doing?

Nope, I don’t even entirely know what I’ll be doing

71. Can you curl your tongue?

I can now. I couldn’t until I was like, 13 for some reason

72. Ever won a spelling bee?

Never been in one

73. Have you ever cried because you were so happy?

My cat touched my nose with her paw and closed her eyes and purred the other day so yea

74. What is your favourite book?

I guess Dragon Rider by Cornelia Funke because I always go back to it and it doesn’t get boring to me. I feel so bad because my favourites are definitely Harry Potter or Artemis Fowl but not a specific one, just the entire series really

75. Do you study better with or without music?

I never studied at all because that was always a guarantee that I’d screw up the test/exam

76. Regularly burn incense?

I wish, but my mum gets huge headaches from smells

77. Ever been in love?

More than I’d like to admit or think about tbh

78. Who would you like to see in concert?

Maybe Panic! at the Disco, but I’ve heard that the tour Adam Lambert has been doing with Queen is good too. And it’s Adam

79. What was the last concert you saw?

I’ve never been to one

80. Hot tea or cold tea?

Hot tea

81. Tea or coffee?

Usually I’d prefer tea but sometimes I need the higher boost from coffee

82. Favourite type of cookie?

I really like these double chocolate ones my grandma makes. They’re so bad for you but they taste really nice and they’re super soft and gooey

83. Can you swim well?

I think pretty decently, but it’s not impressive or anything. I don’t like being in the water anyway

84.Can you hold your breath without holding your nose?

Yup. But I have to hold my nose if I’m diving into water because of my piercing

85. Are you patient?

It depends what I’m supposed to be patient about but usually I am

86. DJ or band at a wedding?

DJ, they usually have a nicer music selection

87. Ever won a contest?

Competition yes, but I’m not sure about a contest

88. Ever have plastic surgery?

Nope

89. Which are better, black or green olives?

I just got back onto olives and I only had green ones so I’ll say those

90. Opinions on sex before marriage?

It’s fine as long as you’re careful. I’d be such a hypocrite if I said something against it omg

91. Best room for a fireplace?

Family/living room. Or a study

92. Do you want to get married?

It’s not off the table, but I’m not overly concerned about it at this point

I hope you appreciate that this took me 2 hours man I’m dying

#shush michelle

2 notes · View notes

wthomeland · 8 years

Note

Sniff, sniff, poor Quinn getting baby wipes in the shop (aww poor sweetie) and eating out of tins... WTH what's Carrie's proper address? Cuz c'mon gals and all you anons out there, we can't let that go on for a minute longer! We must tell him, how much we still love him even with a disability and how much we are all routing for him and that we all think he is worth it!!! Oh and of course what do you think, gals, should we tell him Carrie is his true love and really, really , REALLY loves him?

Anonymous 2 said to wthomeland: Well now Quinn gets it why Carrie has been nagging the hell out of him with her Moto-shit, meds schedules and and and …. cuz SHE CARES (well more than that)!!! WTH what do you think?

Anonymous 3 said to wthomeland: Just reading about grand mal seizures (as stated by EMT). After the seizure, people likely experience sleepiness, body fatigue, and headaches. Now it’s even more painful to watch the bed scene again as I see Q finding comfort in his pillow, fighting his aching body after the muscle contractions, and battling sleepiness. And in this condition he wants to watch the video. I think those likely symptoms also explain his quietness in that scene, don’t you think?

Anonymous 4 said to wthomeland: Do you think Quinn really got it - awwww her hand on his heart? I mean how much he means to Carrie or for storyline purposes Gansa will still let him have doubts (ohhhh please noooooo - don’t be so cruel!!!!!!)?

Anonymous 5 said to wthomeland: OMG, 6x02, so there were so so many moments in that bed scene that were just crushing to watch. But the one that is killing me is Q’s expression right after C says “You came very close to dying. You must know that.” Rupes just nailed it in those precious 3 seconds. What was your killer moment in this scene? Off to watch it again.

Anonymous 6 said to wthomeland: I think it just finally dawned on Carrie, her “why” chin tremble (the most satisfying ever, 📣 newsflash Carrie, you haven’t shown him ) that she hasn’t shown Quinn that he’s important to her, that she even cares whether he lives or dies, that he’s not just a useful tool for her, she has flaunted enough men in his face without the slightest concern over the feelings she’s known about for ever, even in her hallucinations she’s aware of his affection for her. Maybe there is a change coming.

Anonymous 7 said to wthomeland: So apparently they cut the scene where Quinn was in the backyard observing Carrie turn off the lights, I’d like to see it, anyway…, what was that final scene?? Beautiful!!! But I have a few questions: 1) What did Max mean when he told her Quinn’s got stranger things ab her? 2) Why did Quinn get “emotionless” re C’s breakdown (I just wanted him to hug her, she was so sad..), it’s like he really didn’t know why but then when she left he kinda got smth and wanted to cry but hold back tears?

Anonymous 8 said to wthomeland: Our prayers were answered tonight!! (6.02) We got TWO touches! Q touched her to give her courage to show him the video. She touched him on his heart to express feelings she was too emotional to find words for. And the way Q expressed so much sensitivity during the fatigue of a post-seizure just left me wanting to reach out and hug him all night long. So how many times did you watch “the scene”?

Anonymous 9 said to wthomeland: Am I alone in having the sickest feeling in my stomach and my heart right now after watching the ending of 6.02? They really delivered on that scene!! Kept waiting for it to cut to another scene, but they let it roll. I will be watching that scene over and over and over. Oh yeah, we should name it, as I’m sure we’ll be referring to it 24/7.

Anonymous 10 said to wthomeland: 6x02 bed scene. Did you notice after C’s second “why” it appears like Q reaches out with his good arm to comfort her? Could there be a third touch?

Anonymous 11 said to wthomeland: Its just so tragic, C and Q. He loves her so much but hates himself more so that he doesn’t even think he is worth saving. And then C loves him too, but is filled with so much guilt. I think she even feels guilty for loving him and needing him, for not being able to let him go. That said, that moment was the breakthrough Q needed. He needed to know that C cared about him before he became a “mutant,” and that she’s not just helping him out of obligation or pity.

Anonymous 12 said to wthomeland: Yup! Seeing Carrie rubbing Quinn’s boobies gives me life. Hell yeah! ✊️

Anonymous 13 said to wthomeland: How dare Gansa, playing with our fellings! 6.02 final scene was so powerful, beautiful, I don’t remember seeing this in any other scene on this show so far. Quinn and Carrie’s emotion was so well showed without them even saying much we could feel their struggle. Rupert and Claire nail it! It’s just the 2nd episode, more to come, our hearts must be strong 😍😭

Anonymous 14 said to wthomeland: Wow. That last scene was so perfect. The portrayal of a thousand little meaningful moments by Rupert and Claire, it was like 4.12 all over again, and this is just 6.02. The way Q shifts to his side to make room for C on the bed… the way he touches her arm and says, “Just play it.” Can we talk about how he chose to have C show him that awful video because he could not be vulnerable with anyone else? How he has no idea and how C basically tells him she loves him without actually saying it?

Anonymous 15 said to wthomeland: Hey I’m over in the UK and havnt watched it yet but have given into the spoilers. I read somewhere that Quinn asks how her day was or something? How does that go? How does she reply? Sorry for being wierd but I’m decending into madness not watching the episode and I’m obsessing over the details…

anonymous 16 asked: Oh I think they will definitely revisit the stroke and waking him from a coma. All of that was running through Carrie’s mind during the conversation. She knew there was much more than she was saying but how does she tell him? Did she really save him? Would he better off if she had decided to kill him? She knows she wouldn’t be able to live with that decision but seeing the pain he’s now in, does she regret it? She’s been holding it all in but at some point it’ll come out for better or worse.

Hi guys! Sorry for the mass response! Anon 13, we agree, that was the most intimate Quarrie scene EVER and we were pleasantly surprised that it happened in 6x02 (though it makes us fear what kind of fuckery they have in store for later in the season LOL).

Anon 9, IKR? It was a super long scene! I was like, wait, I think there’s been some kind of mistake. We are not worthy of so much Quarrie goodness. I’ve taken to calling it the “Why” Scene, but feel free to suggest a funner name!

Anon 1, definitely one of the big take-aways from the episode is just how depressed Quinn is - and who can blame him? - his body and mind are failing him. Like Anon 11 said, he doesn’t think he’s worth saving. He’s really trying his hardest to let the darkness take him, thank goodness Carrie’s not having it!

Yes, Anon 2, I think one of the important points of the scene was to draw Quinn out of himself. He’s been (understandably) focused on himself for many months - his recovery or lack thereof - has probably been pretty much all the thinks about, except for the occasional escapes with Clarice & Co. I think he hasn’t really stopped to think about Carrie or how she must be feeling during all this. You can tell the way he just stares at her the whole time she’s crying that his empathy muscles are just starting to be probed after a prolonged atrophy. It’s literally like he’s seeing her for the first time since his stroke and registering that she is an actual human person with emotions.

And, Carrie, bless her, has been trying so hard to be strong for him, to keep it together for him (you can see this when she apologizes to him for crying), that she hasn’t realized that what Quinn needs most is to feel needed.

Anon 3, sure it makes sense that he would be tuckered out after his seizure, but I think his quietness was mostly due to the fact that he was in receptive mode during the scene. He was trying to take and process the information that his eyes were receiving - the video, Carrie’s tone, her words, her tears, her touch. Quinn’s brain is not processing very swiftly, and I got the sense that he was really, really concentrating on trying to make sense of what all this meant. Anon 7, I think this is why he appeared “emotionless” - but he was far from it (I’m going to answer your Max question with another set of questions).

Anon 4, I don’t know that this is the big “aha” moment when Quinn realizes that Carrie loves him, I don’t think he’s emotionally ready for that, but the realization that Carrie is actually hurting because of his condition, because he has given up on himself, I think is going to motivate him to try harder. This is the first big turning point in Quinn’s recovery. In fact, that’s the main purpose of the scene, to stimulate Quinn’s desire to get better, not for himself, but for Carrie.

Anon 11, sorry, but I don’t see the guilt in Carrie. Not at all. I see that she is hurting because he’s hurting and he doesn’t know what he means to her, but I don’t see guilt. I see her being selfless in not wanting to burden him with her feelings and needs (this is why she apologizes for crying). I also don’t think (at this point, at least) Quinn thinks she’s helping him out of obligation or pity. Like I said above, I think he just hasn’t thought about it much at all. He’s been absorbed in his own issues, and figuring out why Carrie’s hanging around nagging him was the last thing on his mind.

Anon 5, so many killer moments, but some that come to mind are:

When they ask each other how their day was, like a married couple who had a fight in the morning and wants to make up at night. (Anon 15, when he asks how her day was, she says “Well, it started with someone throwing a coffee mug at me, went downhill from there”)

Quinn re. watching the video, “I didn’t want to… but I do now.” He feels safe with Carrie and wants to connect. (right Anon 14?)

The way Quinn reaches out and touches her arm, telling her to play it (and Anon 8, I have now watched the scene more times than I can count)

The way Carrie keeps looking at him when he’s watching the video to see how he’s reacting

Carrie, “those tiles, those are what led me to you.” The “led me to you” is just so touching - she’s making sure he knows how hard she tried to find him

The way she gasps when she says “three whole minutes you were dead”

The single tear streaming down Quinn’s face

Her utter heartbreak when he asks why she saved him, and the way her voice breaks when she asks “why?” like how could you not know? (Anon 10, I noticed his arm was in a different position after her second why, but I think there’s just some kind of continuity error bc when they cut back to him, his hand is behind his head again)

How she apologizes to him for crying, like she’s supposed to be the strong one now

How she has to leave because she is so overwhelmed, but she lays her hand on his heart and looks him hard in the eye before leaving. (Anon 12, it’s his heart, not his boobies 😒)

Anon 6, well, it won’t surprise you that I disagree. Carrie’s been by Quinn’s side for six months now. If he hasn’t realized how much she cares about him it’s because he’s been wrapped up in himself, as well he should.

Anon 14, I agree, this was her ILY, without saying it. I love how the dialogue between the two is so sparse - they really don’t exchange that many words, but so much is communicated in other words. Truly amazing! Rupert and Claire killed it in this scene.

Anon 16, while they may revisit the stroke, I don’t think that was running through Carrie’s head at all. His question was about what happened before the stroke - he didn’t remember the sarin incident and so she walked him through it. He was poisoned; left for dead; she looked for him; found him alive (hence saved him); and he died/was revived in the ambulance. The purpose of the scene was to show Quinn how much Carrie loves him, the lengths she went to find, not to download all the factual details of that day into his brain. And I don’t believe for a minute that she would ever regret not killing him. She knows it’s the depression talking, and that in him somewhere there’s a fighter (”for a man who wanted to end his life, I’ve never seen someone fight harder to stay alive”).

#Anonymous #why scene #6x02 #quarrie #carrie mathison #peter quinn #carrie x quinn #sensemisapplied

10 notes · View notes

storytete · 8 years

Text

Truly a short Story

Here’s a little story for you.

It’s a story about what would seem like a normal and very average guy.

Though it's true that many people have diverging views on what normal is, he would match most of these definitions.

Putting aside the definitions of normal and average, he didn’t have anything particularly different from other people.

He grew up in a home with a family who was a part of the working class. They had their ups and downs, but overall they didn’t have problems that were over the top nor couldn’t be resolved. They weren’t a perfect happy family either, the argued just like any other family. At the end of the day, they were normal people who came across normal problems.

Having made a huge fuss about how normal they were and how normal he was, something changed at some point. Now, for some reason or another, he seemed a little less normal to himself.

He kept his façade of being normal on the outside, but something changed in the inside.

…

The boy has a name just like anybody else, but for our purposes we’ll just call him Zeel.

Zeel woke up in the morning just like he had always woken up.

Lying down.

Putting jokes aside, he had been having trouble waking up lately, and I don’t think I have to mention getting up.

It was now a bigger struggle than ever.

Just the other day he was woken up by a call to his phone. The call wasn’t too important, and he was a little irritated because his mind told him that it was almost 2 hours before his alarm was supposed to go off.

Reluctantly, he looked at the time just to make sure.

And there it was, the time.

He had overslept by an hour.

This wasn’t something to worry about too much, since he put his alarm to wake him up an hour early that day of the week, but now he couldn’t take his time getting up and getting ready. He’d even have to rush a little when he had breakfast.

The problem here was that he didn’t remember his alarm going off, let alone him turning it off.

This sort of thing had become more common and worried him a bit.

He used to be the type of person to wake up 5 minutes before his alarm went off.

Well anyway, Zeel got up after his alarm rang.

He stared off into space while sitting on his bed.

He didn’t want to go to school.

School used to be something he looked forward to everyday.

This, however, wasn’t because he loved to study. He didn’t like studying too much, especially when it was about something he couldn’t care less about.

He enjoyed the atmosphere when he was in high school.

Everybody laughing, talking, and having a good time.

Nobody was really worried about anything.

He wasn’t worried about anything.

But he had graduated from there over two years ago.

Zeel got off his bed and quickly got ready.

He changed out of his pajamas (though they consisted of shorts and an old shirt), and brushed his teeth.

He was now in his fifth semester in college and was having trouble keeping up with his classes.

He was not exactly inept to studying, he just wasn’t used to it.

When in high school, Zeel was able to get through without too much trouble with only the bare minimum of studying. He did well enough that right know he was attending a well-known university close to his home completely on scholarships. His friends always said that they wish they were in his shoes.

After getting ready, it was time to eat breakfast.

So in order to eat, Zeel walked toward the kitchen to eat something small.

He didn’t have the time to cook anything, so his breakfast consisted of a bowl of cereal.

*Creak*

The sound of a door opening indicated that Zeel’s younger brother was coming to eat.

“Dude, I didn’t want to get up!” Zeel said to his brother.

“What time did you go to sleep?” he responded.

“I went to sleep early, it was 10:30”

“Studying?”

“uhh… sure… haha”

……………………………………………………

Driving to school was always sort of a pain, but you could get used to it.

As they drove toward school, a commute of about 30mins with minimum traffic, they spoke.

“And so he said, ‘I eat and I eat, and rest for 20 mins, I huff and puff, then I eat some more!”

“hahahahahahaha”

“Oh, the other day this guy came to me pointed at a 20 dollar bill and said that some guy dropped it.”

“I was like, dude don’t tell me that, next time I’ll take it!”

“haha, yeah be like ‘woops I dropped my phone’ *tosses phone toward money* ‘silly phone, come back here’ *picks up phone and money*”

They both laughed while telling each other stories.

The days were always spent like these among the two brothers. They got along well for being brothers, they never got into a physical fight with each other and had never hurt each other even by accident. This was strange as most brothers would have played rough as children.

Zeel dropped off his little brother at school.

His little brother wasn’t that much younger than him, he was actually 17 and a senior in high school.

That left them with an age difference of 3 years.

And as the older brother, Zeel was very protective of his brother, giving him advice and telling me that he had his back if he were to ever get into some trouble. Though just words, Zeel meant every word that he spoke in benefit of his brother.

He was a smart kid, about to graduate and move up to college, he had good grades and was very adept at real life situations.

This is what set the two apart.

Zeel had done well in high school, but that was just because he was very good at taking tests. His real life skills were somewhat lacking. Every time he had to show these real life skills (like interviewing) he would put up a front, and most of the time his act would be convincing enough that he would be able to get through the given situation or pass said interview.

After a while, his act would crumble.

People can’t act all the time, even an experienced liar has to take of his mask at some point.

Zeel usually took off the mask when nobody was looking.

But that wasn’t enough sometimes.

He had been fired from his last job because of his inability to keep on the mask during the full shift after 3 months.

Of course, nobody knew that he was fired. He was actually asked to leave on his own terms, which he did. He had gotten sick of working there anyway. All the fake smiles and forced way of speaking. Having to greet everybody who showed up as customers. So he gladly went along with it.

But his little brother didn’t show any signs of being like older brother, and Zeel noticed. That kid was truly something else. His people skills were off the charts, and he was just in high school. The way he spoke, the decisions he made, Zeel could tell that he would grow to pass him in every way unimaginable.

He was the useless one.

Of course his little brother didn’t see it that way, he actually looked up at him. Because if Zeel was good at anything, it was keeping that mask on without anybody noticing. He had so many years of experience wearing the thing that sometimes he would forget how to take it off.

Arriving to his school, Zeel parked the car and proceeded to walk to class.

…………………………………..

The Professor was boring today again.

He literally repeated the same words but in different order 5 times.

“In order to calculate the complexity one needs to dumb it down a bit, that is to say, making something simpler will help figuring out how complex the system actually is. It can be tough, yes it can. But just remember that something hard can be found by making it easy…”

“Stop beating around the bush!” Zeel screamed internally. He knew that in order to actually learn something in the class, he would have to just read the book. But what was the point in paying hundreds of dollars on a class that didn’t teach you anything but just made you read the book anyway?

It was frustrating really.

Such logic didn’t make any sense whatsoever.

The class ended and Zeel had 3 hours to kill before his last class of the day.

While walking out of class he received a text from his little brother.

“They just told me that I got the Turrell Scholarship!”

“That’s great dude! Keep it up!” Zeel responded to the message.

That was great! His brother got the Turrell Scholarship, something that Zeel was too afraid to apply for. This meant that not only 4 years of school were automatically covered, but that included 3 years of studying abroad and an extra 3 grand a semester for spending. This even covered his living expenses.

Truly, this was a great accomplishment from the kid that he cared for the most.

Wait, that wasn’t right, he wasn’t a kid anymore. He was going to turn 18 in a couple of months. He wasn’t a kid anymore, but an adult.

Suddenly, as if a dark cloud came over him. Zeel’s motivation dropped to zero.

That kid wasn’t a kid anymore, he was an adult that could take care of himself and was going to make something out of his life. He no longer needed to look up at someone for guidance. He no longer needed someone to hold his hand as he walked. No, he was someone who was walking up the stairs to a bright future all by himself.

Zeel’s mask began to peel.

He knew there was something special about his little brother.

He was always a person who handled the situation well. He never had trouble talking to people, he was a good athlete. He was the leader of his group of friends. Truly something to look up to.

Zeel was worried because he was the opposite of him. Always quiet, and alone. He was lucky to have made friends in high school. These people approached him because he was somewhat athletic. But even then, it took him over a year to get along with these people. His leadership skills were missing something important. He had almost failed in a group project when he was made the leader because of this.

But, there was no need to worry. He had faked his way throughout his life and was able to draw an image for his brother to follow. And that was all done now.

Suddenly, the masked fell off.

Zeel was no longer needed. He didn’t really want to study anymore. He went to college because he wasn’t good at anything anyway. He thought that if he went to study something, then maybe even he would have something he was good at. But having spent 2 years already, it was obvious to him that he was a lost case.

He was below average in his overall skills.

Everything he had learned, he either forgot it already, or he had never really known much about it in the first place.

He was walking up some stairs, and people wouldn’t get close to him.

The wasn’t exactly new, since he wore a neutral face at all times, but this time his face showed a level of disinterest way above the usual. The look on his face actually caused fear to those who saw him today.

It was like if something that was being held back had suddenly come forward with everything it had.

The space around him distorted.

The stairs were almost finished.

He was useless in every sense of the word.

He had disappointed many people. He was supposed to be the top of his class in high school. He was supposed to be an honor student in college. He was supposed to have experience in his field by now. He was supposed to somehow get a job after he graduated but that was looking tougher and tougher each day.

He couldn’t remember that last time he had been relied on.

Things had changed, and the one person who looked up at him no longer needed him.

Zeel reached the rooftop.

As to how he was able to get up there, not even he remembered, but nonetheless he was there.

He took off his backpack and laid it on the floor.

He approached the edge and was about to jump.

The view was different, but he had seen these series of events before. He imagined how he would do it when the time came. He had come up with different ways in going to the rooftop was one of them. Next would be to take the final step. As he began to move his phone received another message. It was his brother again.

“Thanks!” it said

Zeel laughed a little, this actually a great way to say goodbye to someone like him. It was actually pretty heartwarming for him. He couldn’t imagine a better way to go.

Another message arrived.

“I’m actually a little worried because in order to redeem the scholarship, I have to maintain a 3.5 gpa and get a 23 or higher on my ACT score next spring.”

His little brother seemed scared.

He had taken the ACT a couple of months before and had gotten a 21.

He was a smart kid but was easily the one to get nervous when a test came up. He had gotten so nervous that he actually messed up his answer sheet and found out mid test. So he had less time and ended up not finishing one of the subjects. This rolled over to the next subject and was unable to make correct decisions when choosing the answers.

Zeel laughed.

He laughed and laughed and kept laughing.

His little brother was easily tipped over to one side in situations like that.

Just remembering that he couldn’t contain his laughter.

There was a time that his little brother was told to give a speech at his high school. He was the best person to choose and was only a sophomore. Right before he went up someone told him that he had to pump everyone up before the speech.

So, he went up all determined and started to bring up everyone’s spirits. He did a magnificent job. Just when he started the actual speech, they cut him short. He had run out of time!

The speech he had worked so hard on was never used.

And turns out he didn’t have to pump the school up before the speech, it was just a suggestion that someone let out before he went up on stage.

Having laughed for so long, tears began to come out.

Sobbing could be heard.

These tears rushed out and the feelings overflowed from the center of his chest.

Zeel couldn’t contain it anymore.

As if something was trying to escape from the inside.

His tears hit the floor and his body became weak.

He fell away from the edge and sat down.

That text was a confirmation.

His little brother was about to easily be tipped to one side. He was looking for help.

Who else to help but the one he looked up to?

This wasn’t the time to sulk, he couldn’t afford to leave before his little brother was a well-rounded adult. Because right now he wasn’t an adult, he was a kid.

And as a kid, he needed to follow behind someone and copy the things they did.

He was that person that he had to follow behind.

He still had a reason to stay, so he did.

He put on that mask that had fallen off and tightened it even more than the first time he put it.

That mask was a part of him and was going to help him guide the person who needed him.

That mask was going to hide the thoughts that came out today as if they never existed.

He was going to push someone until he couldn’t walk anymore.

Zeel stood up and walked down the stairs.

How he got back from the rooftop, even now he doesn’t know, but he didn’t care.

He still had 2 hours before his next class and was actually hungry.

He headed out to get something to eat, as if nothing had happened.

----end----

Tete’s Note:

This story.

I hope you liked it.

#truly a short story #storytete #depression #facade #trying hard to live #rabbit #my story

1 note · View note