thinking about the fact that i was so socially awkward as a teen that the school wanted to me out of class to attend "social skills classes" once a week (to which i attended one and demanded i be removed from the program cuz it was just me and about a dozen equally uncomfortable probably-autistic kids who also probably did not want to be there, being forced to do icebreaker activities by deeply condescending special education teachers)
how did i not receive an autism diagnosis til i was nearly an adult and specifically advocated for myself to be taken to a professional to get checked out for autism and adhd???
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i finally have an official date of my autism (and other things that are wrong with me) evaluation and now im scared that it'll turn out that I'm not actually autistic. like I've spent the last few weeks/months accepting that i probably am. so what if it turns out i'm not. i don't want to have to undo the self acceptance. i am well aware that obsessing over if you're autistic or not is not very allistic behaviour However what if im different. what if im just a silly little guy (with other psychological problems)
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gonna be honest, while she is a wonderfully played character, i do not like karna as a person at all lol. usually i love morally grey characters but i think im too attached to amangeaux to appreciate karna's character. like the scene where amangeaux had to beg karna on her knees just to be able to flee for her life with her child made my skin crawl and was probably the final nail in the coffin for me
and that on top of karna without remorse offering up amangeaux's child's life, which she didn't even have conformation was the heir to vegetania, and then her speech of getting 'drops of recognition' from amangeaux for 'her own protection and happiness' i had no sympathy for her after everything she did. it felt like she was getting mad at a woman she was trying to take advantage of who decided to prioritize herself and her year old child, who karna just agreed to kill
like yes, theres the political standing difference between them, but by that time amangeaux had no political safety and was discarded by her allies, and only a few hours ago in the game's universe was it proven by their own actions how even with supposed political advantage means nothing anything anyway and just
her careless 'im damned to rot so i have no care what suffering i put people through to get to my goal' just rubs me the wrong way along with everything else
this is no hate towards aabria, she's playing the character wonderfully and every move she makes makes sense for the character she has made, it's just karna makes me so inherently uncomfortable
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