#it's gonna look more like a song bird than a “typical” phoenix

[edenorisshitposting]

I set up an appointment with a tattoo artist to get the phoenix done

[vickyvicarious]

Ace Attorney Daemons - Wright Anything Agency

Animal species and reasoning behind each choice under the cut, as well as links to other groups of characters!

Phoenix Wright: Honey badger. I like honey badger for Phoenix for several reasons. Firstly, honey badgers are very difficult to kill. Their skin is very thick and tough (enough to resist machetes, spears, etc.), and it’s also loose, allowing them to twist around and bite back at something holding them. That seemed fitting to me in both the joking “Phoenix is immortal” sense, but also in the courtroom when prosecutors think they have him pinned and he turns the situation around to his benefit. They are excellent diggers, which you could link to Phoenix’s relentless search for the truth/investigative abilities. They eat pretty much anything, including snakes and scorpions, and have been noted as being resistant to venom. Seeing as Phoenix’s worst personal foes are both linked strongly to poisoning, I thought that fit well too. They are very adaptable and intelligent (able to use tools), which is pretty self-explanatory, but have poor vision and smell, possibly representing Phoenix’s tendency to sometimes miss or overlook flaws in those he cares for/relevant details at first glance. Honey badgers are known for their strength and ferocity, hunting down or driving off animals much larger than themselves. Their claws are very powerful, as is their bite. Phoenix is fearless and can be very aggressive once provoked, but he’s fairly easy-going most of the time. If you don’t know about honey badgers, his daemon might not look like too much to worry about until it’s too late. Alternatively, people recognizing Phoenix’s daemon and waiting for him to be aggressive or intense are gonna be very surprised - until they meet him in court.

Apollo Justice: Scarlet dwarf dragonfly. I knew I had to give Apollo a dragonfly, even though it might not look like the toughest animal. Dragonflies have possibly the greatest success rate when hunting prey, estimated to be around 95% successful. They also have incredible eyesight, which of course is a must for Apollo. Their vision is nearly 360 degrees, they can probably see ultraviolet and it’s likely they can see colors we can’t. I chose a red dragonfly because c’mon, I had to, but I also learned there is a famous Japanese children’s song “Akatombo” (”Red Dragonfly”) whose lyrics make me think of Apollo feeling nostalgic for his childhood, so that’s a nice bonus. I chose this particular species to be Japanese in nod to the symbolism there (they are associated with victory) and also because giving him a teeny tiny daemon appeals to me. He’s short, yes, but also an itty bitty bug might seem like a contrast to his loud nature and all... but his daemon is actually more intense.

Athena Cykes: Eurasian lynx. I strongly considered a barn owl for Athena, since owls are associated with the goddess Athena, and barn owls especially have fantastic hearing, with their whole faces built like a satellite dish. (Actually, if I’d been going for best hearing in the animal kingdom, it would’ve been a moth.) But in the end a bird just didn’t feel right for her. She is strong, tactile, clever, and alert - a cat just fit. Eurasian lynx live across huge swaths of Asia and Europe, which was a nice nod to Athena’s habit of peppering in bits of various European languages. Males (as her daemon would be) in particular tend to hunt over large areas. As far as cats go, they have pretty excellent hearing, with the distinctive tufts on their ears being supposed to aid with that. They hunt using both hearing and sight, typically by ambushing prey. There is no animal equivalent to Athena’s ‘therapy’ technique but I think ambush is a decent enough analogue, since it too takes prey by surprise and can send them into a panic. Lynxes are skilled predators with a great jump, and just look muscular and I find that a great fit for the very active Athena. 

Trucy Wright: White rabbit. I thought about what to give Trucy but just kept circling back to the classic magician’s animal. I think it fits beyond that too, though. Rabbits have a wide field of vision, as well as great hearing and sight. Makes sense for a prey animal, but also for Trucy with her (albeit unutilized like Apollo) eyesight. Rabbits are long associated with trickery, which is an excellent nod to her magic. Rabbits have also been associated with good luck, with the rabbit’s foot the most-known example; I think that lines up nicely to how she became a spot of joy and hope in Phoenix’s life after he was disbarred. Rabbits are quite intelligent, social, and sweet - but also can be total brats if they want. They tend to chew through everything (carpet, wires, etc.) if you don’t keep them away, which reminds me of Trucy taking over the office with all her magician mess. And lastly, a small detail, Trucy’s annoyed sprite involves her shoulders going down in a way that looks a little bit like she’s stomping, which reminds me strongly of a rabbit.

.

More daemons:

Detectives, Feys, Misc. Lawyers, Prosecutors, Villains, Witnesses

[owlways-and-forever]

Throughout our lives, we all say so many words that we don’t mean. Thank you, it’s beautiful. I hate you. I don’t love you, I never did. But what about the things we never say? 

There are three words that form a lie more than any other. A lie when they are said, and the greatest lie of omission on earth. They are the lie that will damn your soul and condemn you to an eternity of regret.

I love you.

o . o . o

Padma flitted her quill over the parchment, turning the ink into a beautiful sketch. It took form as she went, gradually taking on the appearance of a spectacular bird. The mangerie was probably what she missed most about Nagpur. The animals they kept were truly beautiful, and Padma had loved to sit in front of the enclosures and sketch the animals while she communed with them. They didn’t have a byangoma in the menagerie, and Padma had never actually seen one of the famously rare birds. Parvati claimed she had seen one once on a vacation with their aunt to Uttar Pradesh, but Padma wasn’t so sure about that. Of all the animals she knew about, Padma most longed to see a byangoma. They were supposed to be incredibly beautiful, and if one dropped a feather on you, it was said that you would be granted a glimpse of your future and a droplet of wisdom. Though the birds are typically sightless, a few drops of blood from a witch or wizard could grant them sight and create an everlasting bond between the two.

“What’s that?” Anthony asked, startling Padma as he leaned over her shoulder to look at the drawing she was sketching across her parchment.

“It’s nothing really,” she answered quickly. She didn’t try to hide her sketch, but she didn’t typically allow anyone but Parvati to see her designs. Still, Anthony slid around her and claimed the seat next to her, continuing to gaze at her drawing as if it were completely enchanting.

“That’s so pretty,” he breathed, his eyes flitting up to meet hers briefly before returning to the drawing. “What is it? It kind of looks like a phoenix but…”

“Airy?” Padma finished, and Anthony nodded. “Byangoma are the elementals for air like phoenixes are for fire. They’re my favourite animal, but I’ve never seen them. I probably never will now.”

“Why not?” 

“They haven’t been seen outside the Indian subcontinent in decades,” Padma explained.

“And you don’t think you’ll ever go back there?” Anthony asked, one eyebrow raised doubtfully.

“Probably not,” Padma shrugged. “My family is here now. What’s there to go back for?”

“Do you miss it there?”

He looked at her with such depth of feeling, far more than any fourteen year old had any right to. Padma felt both uneasy and utterly at home under his gaze.

“Quite a lot, but that doesn’t mean I should go back,” she replied. “I miss sugar, but that doesn't mean I should eat it for every meal.”

Anthony smiled at her analogy, crinkling his hazel eyes.

“Well maybe there’s a way to help you miss home a little less,” he suggested.

“Maybe.”

o . o . o

Anthony practically skipped through the halls, eager to find his best friend. He had some news he was simply dying to share with her.

“Padma!” he called out as he spotted her shiny black plait, and he broke into a jog to reach her.

“Hey,” she greeted, smiling as he caught up. “What’s going on?”

“I just got a letter from my parents,” he panted, grinning from ear to ear. “We’re going on vacation to the foothills of the Himalayas this summer.”

“That’s lovely,” Padma replied, a slight pang of jealousy twisting her stomach.

“They said I could bring a friend!” Anthony continued, practically jumping with excitement.

“That’s very kind of them, it’ll be so much fun for you,” she answered, again feeling a surge of bitterness that she couldn’t help.

Anthony’s expression soured slightly, and his eyebrows furrowed in confusion.

“Padma? Do you not want to go with me?” he asked, his voice taking on a sudden uncertainty that hadn’t been there moments before. 

“Do you really want me to go with you?” she replied. Padma was sure that he was simply being polite. He would probably much rather go with Michael or Terry.

“Of course I do!” he insisted, reaching out and grabbing both her hands. He couldn’t imagine why she would ever doubt it. “You’re my best friend!”

He refrained from saying any more, the way he always did. Somehow Anthony could never find the right words to really convey how much he cared about Padma. It was pointless anyway, he knew she didn’t feel the same way about him.

“I… I would love to,” Padma answered, although her expression was still sad. “But I don’t think my parents would like it. Especially if Parvati couldn’t come too.”

“Why don’t you at least ask them? It can’t hurt, can it?” Anthony pleaded. There really wasn’t anyone else he wanted to bring on the trip. It hadn’t even really been his parents’ idea, he had asked them if Padma could come.

“I’ll ask, but don’t get your hopes up,” she said with a wry smile. Padma was always the pragmatist. 

o . o . o 

She didn’t feel good about it at all, but Padma really didn’t want to upset anyone, least of all Anthony. And he’d be so hurt if he knew the truth. She hated it even more because she wanted to go with him  so badly . But if she told Anthony how much she wanted to go on the trip with him, he’d be furious that her parents wouldn’t let her. He’d probably try something dumb and gallant and show up at her family’s house to introduce himself and win her parents’ over. And then he would find out the truth, that she never even wrote and asked them.

But Padma knew exactly what her parents would say. It would start with a polite declination, saying that it would be unfair to allow Padma to go when Parvati wasn’t even invited. If Padma pushed the issue, then the real reasons would come out. The problem wasn’t that her sister wasn’t invited, it was that Anthony was a  boy . Her parents would assume that they were dating - probably assume that he had dishonourable intentions for the trip - and they would never approve of her dating him. Not just him, anyone. If they knew the things Parvati got up to at school… not that Padma would ever tell on her sister. 

She didn’t want to start a fight with her parents, or stir up any mistrust. They’d always had a good relationship, and Padma wanted to keep it that way. Asking if she could go on the trip with Anthony was just a recipe for disaster. So she didn’t. She pretended to write home, and then she would pretend to get a letter back, but really it would be Parvati the whole time. Her sister had agreed to help her no questions asked. Well, not exactly no questions. But as Padma walked down to breakfast on the agreed upon morning, she felt dread tugging at her stomach. She hated doing this to Anthony, and she hated it for herself. 

“Everything okay, Padma?” Anthony asked, sliding into the seat next to her with a concerned expression on his face.

Padma painted a dismayed expression on her face, reaching into her pocket and pulling out a crumpled piece of parchment. She tossed it onto the table in front of him, watching his eyes follow the little ball. 

“Go on, read it, it’s okay,” she said, encouraging him while keeping her expression downcast.

Anthony reached out and took the letter, unfolding it carefully. His eyes scanned left and right, drinking in every word. Padma knew what it said by heart.

Padma chutki,

Your father and I have discussed the matter at length, and agreed that we cannot allow you to go on this trip. It wouldn’t be right to send you so far away without your sister. We simply are not comfortable letting you go on this trip unsupervised at your age. I am sorry Padma. We are happy to see you in a few weeks.

Love,

Amma

Anthony eyed the letter with disappointment, and Padma thought even a bit of suspicion. His thumb ran over the edge of the parchment idly as he thought it over.

“They really won’t let you come?” he asked, his face impossibly sad.

Padma shook her head, conjuring up tears at the idea of being forced to stay behind. Anthony took one look at her despair and his expression softened as he reached out to touch her hand.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered consolingly. “Maybe next time you can come. After graduation, we’ll do a big trip together, okay? You’ll be an adult then, your parents won’t be able to stop you from going if it’s what you want.”

Padma didn’t have the heart to tell Anthony that her parents would always be able to stop her, no matter how old she was. It’s just the way their family worked. She nodded her head in a grim confirmation. 

“Okay, I’m gonna go, I want to meet with McGonagall before class starts,” Anthony said, giving Padma a quick side hug. Then he was off, shoveling down a piece of toast as he rushed out of the Great Hall.

Padma breathed a sigh of relief. Once more, she had successfully avoided dealing with any feelings she might or might not have for Anthony.

o . o . o

Anthony trudged through the lush forest, sunlight glowing through the trees overhead. He could hear all kinds of fauna echoing in the canopy. He wasn’t supposed to be off on his own, but his sister was annoying him and their parents always took Leah’s side. 

He heard a magical sounding caw echo high above him, something entirely ethereal. It floated on the air, drifting down to him slowly like a feather in the wind, back and forth, back and forth. Anthony looked around him, searching for the source of the beautiful song, scouring the branches for some clue. At first, nothing seemed even remotely out of place, but then he saw it - a shimmer of royal blue and deep teal. He knew instantly what it was, he’d seen them sketched on Padma’s notebook enough times.

Anthony felt a pang of sadness grip him. This was Padma’s dream, she’d wanted it for so long. She wasn’t someone who talked about her desires often, but this was one she couldn’t resist giving voice to. And even still, Anthony knew that she wanted it more than she would ever say. He nearly wished that he was wrong so he wouldn’t have to tell Padma that she’d missed it.

The beautiful bird fluttered down to land on a low hanging branch in front of him, which dipped and swayed under its weight. The byangoma was stunning, almost celestial in nature. Anthony could feel an awareness emanating from it, and he knew that every story he’d heard about the intellect and sight of byangomas was an underestimation. 

“Hi,” he whispered, taking a careful step forward.

The byangoma cocked its head to one side, evaluating Anthony, and he could tell that it was reading him and deciding whether he was trustworthy. As if by instinct, Anthony knew that he ought to ask the bird a question, but his mind was alarmingly blank.

Worry not,  the bird seemed to say to him, a melodic voice echoing in his mind.  I know the question in your heart.

It flapped its wings and took flight, circling Anthony closely and dippings its wings so that its feathers brushed against his face and neck. The world around him faded away sharply, a hazy vision surrounding him instead.

He sat at a wooden table in a brightly lit kitchen, Padma sitting across from him. She was laughing, and he knew it was something he said - a story or a joke - that was making her eyes crinkle happily.  The scene shifted.  Padma stood next to him, her wand out, tension written across every feature. Sparks and streaks of light were illuminating the night sky, and Anthony could see a shadowy army approaching. He could feel terror tearing the air around the castle to pieces and the fall of rubble made the ground quake.  Another shift.  He stood on the banks of the Black Lake, with Padma in front of him. She was wearing a yellow sundress, so different from her usual school uniform, but he didn’t think she’d ever looked prettier. She was smiling shyly at him, and she kept rocking forward on her toes, like maybe she wanted to reach out to him. Anthony wanted to wrap his arms around her and hug her close, maybe even kiss her.

The vision disappeared and reality returned as Anthony blinked his eyes. He felt the byangoma’s feathers brush against his face once more, and saw it begin to fly away. One of its feathers shed from the bird and drifted through the air, landing in Anthony’s outstretched fingers.

Tell her,  the byangoma’s voice echoed through his own mind. 

“Tell her what?” Anthony called out as the byangoma began to fly away, his fingers curling around the heavenly soft feather.

Tell her.

o . o . o

Anthony was practically vibrating with excitement as he stood on Platform 9 ¾. He’d enjoyed his trip to India immensely, but it had still been a very long summer, and he couldn’t wait to be back at Hogwarts with all his friends. Especially Padma. He’d missed her a lot, more than he had expected to. And Anthony had been thinking a lot about his revelation on his trip. The byangoma had seemed insistent that his future was with Padma, but he was sixteen, he wasn’t sure that he wanted to think of any kind of future that involved another person. Love was simply not something that was in his equation.

And yet… the more he thought about it, the more he started to think that maybe there were feelings there after all. Maybe he did love Padma. The problem was that he just wasn’t sure. Normally, he would talk to Padma to sort out any confused feelings he might be having, but he couldn’t bring her into this if he wasn’t sure. He just wished there was some way to know, some mathematical equation that could tell him the right answer.

“Everything alright?” Padma asked, appearing next to Anthony so suddenly that he jumped in surprise. “You look very concerned about something.”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he said, smiling lightly. His whole heart had eased just looking at her. “I was just thinking about love.”

“That’s quite a serious topic,” she teased, a smile electrifying her face. “What brought that on?”

“Oh, you know,” Anthony answered vaguely, waving his hand, “just getting older. Our friends are starting to date more, and I was just thinking, you know, how do they know?”

“I don’t think they do,” Padma replied, more seriously. “Isn’t that the point of dating? You think maybe you like someone, and then you spend more time with them to find out.”

“But it’s different, isn’t it?” he countered. “It’s not the same as just being friends with someone. It’s gotta be more than that..”

“Sure,” she agreed. “But it’s also a leap of faith.”

Anthony nodded, his gaze drifting along the platform. The train was starting to bustle as students climbed aboard, hauling their trunks with them. The windows were becoming crowded with kids whose noses were pressed to the glass as they waved goodbye to their families.

“Come on, don’t want to miss the train,” Padma joked, tugging the sleeve of Anthony’s shirt to draw his attention.

“Right,” he agreed, shaking his head slightly to clear his thoughts. “Let’s go.”

They surged forward with the other students, climbing onto the train. Anthony boarded first, turning around to offer Padma a hand. He knew she didn’t need the boost, but he liked doing little things like that for her. It showed he cared. And he did care about her, probably more than anyone else in his life. He just wasn’t sure that it was  romantic .

“Okay, come on Anthony, you’ve got to tell me everything about your trip!” Padma intoned as soon as they were in an empty compartment. Michael and Terry would probably join them eventually, but for the moment they were on their own.

“It was amazing,” he answered, his face lighting up with excitement. “We saw so many different things, and the history is fascinating. I had no idea there were so many incredible witches and wizards from India, and, if I’m honest, I feel a little bit bad about it. It made me wonder how many accomplished wizards are looked over in our lessons just because they’re not British, or European. Am I looking over them too?”

Padma smiled kindly, fully understanding what he was saying. “Not intentionally,” she reassured him.

“I’m not sure that’s better,” he said, frowning.

“But you know now, and I know you, you’ll make a conscious effort to do better,” Padma replied, reaching out and patting his hand.

“There was something else, something incredible,” Anthony said, changing the subject slightly.

Padma quirked an eyebrow, eager to hear more. But instead of speaking, Anthony reached into the inside pocket of his jacket, carefully pulling out the feather. Padma’s mouth dropped open in amazement as she looked at it, and instinctively she reached out to touch. Anthony thought he saw a flicker of disappointment cloud her face as her skin brushed across the feather and no magic happened.

“You saw one?” she breathed, her eyes wide.

“Yeah, I did, and Padma it was  amazing ,” he whispered, excited to share the experience with her. “It was so beautiful, I mean beyond words, and you could just feel how smart it was. Except it wasn’t just intelligent, it was this feeling of wisdom and foresight and just endless knowledge.”

“Did it show you something?” she asked curiously.

“Yeah, it did, it showed me…” Anthony stuttered, not sure how much to tell her. He didn’t want to lie to her, but he couldn’t tell her the truth either. No matter the byangoma’s advice, he just wasn’t ready for that, so he settled for a half truth. “It showed me war. It’s coming, Padma, and it’ll be worse than last time.”

“Well, I think everyone who isn’t in denial knows that,” Padma replied, her forehead wrinkling. “It didn’t show you anything personal though? By all accounts, it’s not like them to reveal something so broad in scale.”

“Well, it showed me fighting and…” he stopped again, his heart constricting painfully at the memory of that particular scene.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to tell me,” Padma assured him.

Anthony nodded, grateful for her understanding. He swallowed the fear that had risen within him and smiled. He wiggled the feather against her fingertips, laughing at the grin that broke out over her face.

“It’s yours,” he said, glancing down at the feather. “I want you to have it.”

“You…?” she breathed, blown away by the gesture. “I can’t take that, Anthony, it’s yours.”

“I know, but it means more to you,” Anthony replied. “And I feel bad that you weren’t there to see it yourself. It’s the least I could do.”

“You don’t have -”

“Please, just keep it,” he grinned. “Use it to inspire some more beautiful sketches.”

Padma smiled shyly, uncertain how to accept this gift. It was the most thoughtful thing anyone had ever given to her, and it felt strangely intimate. Especially given the way he was looking at her, like he was seeing something new in her. She wondered if this would change things between them, and the thought that it might made her nervous, but it wasn’t entirely bad. There was something different with Anthony that she didn’t quite understand, but she knew that it wouldn’t go away. He would always be special to her.

o . o . o

Padma ducked under the red streak of light, taking a few steps back. She didn’t know who the Death Eater under the mask was, but they were a good dueler. With every spell they were forcing her further back, leaving open a strategically placed window overlooking Hogwarts’ grounds and the battle that was unfolding below. Padma knew the window was their target. Well, the window and her demise. It was an obvious strategic move - the higher ground provided the opportunity to help out those below and potentially turn the tide of the battle. Padma had been using that very advantage only ten minutes earlier, before the Death Eater had shown up.

“Bombarda!” Padma fired back, her spell deflecting off the Death Eater’s protective shield, rocketing into the wall instead. Chunks of stone pelted them, but neither paid any attention to it. 

Concentration was key in this.

Padma cast three spells in quick succession - expelliarmus, reducto, bombarda again - hoping that a frenzied offense would be to her advantage. If the Death Eater was too busy trying to ward off her spells, he couldn’t attack. At least, that was the plan.

It did not quite unfold that way. 

The problem with fighting adults was that they simply knew spells that Padma hadn’t learnt yet. With a complicated wriggle of his wrist, the Death Eater had managed to conjure up a silvery shield that hung in the air while he sent other curses flying toward her. His aim was off, having to duck around his shield, but she still felt the sting of one of his curses as it brushed her arm.

Padma gritted her teeth and brandished her wand again, ready for another attack. She deflected a few more spells from him, and let loose some of her own, but neither seemed to make much progress. It was a stalemate, and one that she would be stupid to think would end in her favour. The longer this went on, the more she tired, and she was just a student. She wasn’t used to duelling extensively like Death Eaters and members of the Order.

The Death Eater made a slashing movement and she braced herself for a fatal blow, but it wasn’t directed at Padma - rather, someone standing behind her. She turned quickly to look, casting a protective shield as she did, and her jaw dropped. Anthony stood about ten paces back, his palm flat against his stomach as swirls of red blood bloomed across his shirt. His eyes were wide and for a moment he looked childlike again, like when she had first met him, so youthful. But his vitality was fading before her eyes, the life flickering away. Anthony’s knees wobbled and gave way, hitting the ground hard.

A surge of anger took hold of Padma and she turned her attention back to the Death Eater. She howled with rage as she thrust her arms forward as if she could push the vile person away from her. Blue waves pulsated from her hands, seizing the Death Eater in their grip and hurling him backward. He landed on the floor with a fatal  crack as his head hit the stone. Padma didn’t spare the Death Eater a second thought, turning immediately to Anthony, rushing toward him just in time to catch him before he hit the ground.

“What are you doing?” she asked, anxiety turning her voice into something bizarrely high pitched. “You’re not supposed to be here! You were supposed to be with Neville!”

“Ron said…” Anthony struggled to get his words out. “Ron said… you were in trouble.”

His eyelids fluttered, and Padma wiggled a little so she could lay his head on her thigh. Her hands tugged his shirt away, finding the gash that split his skin in two.

“I’m fine,” Anthony, she soothed, waving her wand over the cut. She didn’t know much healing magic, and she cursed herself for that now, as her spells failed to make any kind of difference.

Anthony’s breathing grew more shallow as his life continued to seep from the gaping wound, pooling red and sticky around them. Padma wanted to brush her fingers through his hair and caress his face, but she didn’t want to smear blood across his skin. He didn’t need to die like that, with shadows of his own blood across his cheeks, feeling that stickiness on his face. He was going to die. He was going to die because he was hurt and she didn’t know how to heal him. Padma tried to suppress the hiccoughing sobs that wanted to rise forth. She would never forgive herself for this - how could she?

“Padma,” he whispered, his eyes fixing on her with a look that was so deep she felt like she would drown in it. “I’m scared…”

“It’s alright,” she answered, finding his hand and lacing their fingers together. “It’s alright. You’re not alone. I’m here.”

He whispered something as his eyes closed, too quiet for her to hear. Three words that might have changed everything if they’d been said sooner. She didn’t know what he said with that last breath, but honestly, what did it matter? Because the words that she needed him to hear were still stuck in her throat. She had been too much of a coward to say them for so long, and now the words died with him, and regret took their place.

He would never know. Maybe he had hoped, maybe even optimistically believed it might be true. But Anthony had never known for sure, and now he never would. 

o . o . o

Padma ran her fingers over the shimmering blue feather, feeling the softness with every nerve like an electric current. It was her most prized possession, and she hated the idea of being parted with it, but somehow she knew that it belonged with Anthony. He had given it to her, and she couldn’t think of anything more meaningful than laying it to rest with him. She looked down at his face, still and serene, but somehow twisted. She thought that anyone who ever claimed that the dead looked like they were sleeping was a liar. The body in the coffin before her looked nothing like a sleeping Anthony, it looked like a wax figure, and a poor one at that. It might have all the physical features, but it couldn’t come close to capturing Anthony’s spirit, or the way his smile made her heart leap in her chest. All of that was gone, and it wasn’t coming back. Not for all the byangoma feathers in the world.

Twirling the feather lightly by its stem, Padma felt tears prick at the corners of her eyes, and she wished they would go away. She didn’t want to cry, not when these were the last moments she would ever get to spend by his side. It was hard to come to terms with the reality that the whole future she had imagined would never happen now. Not only would it never happen, but Anthony would never know that she wanted it. A life with him. Because no matter how much it had scared her, Padma had never been able to imagine any partner but Anthony. 

Padma bowed her head and began to recite a hymn from the Rig Veda, placing the palms of her hands together.

“Yam se milen, pitaron se milen, shreshth svarg mein, mukt ya aadeshit krtyon ke gun se milen*,” she began solemnly. “Leave sin and evil, seek anew thy dwelling, and bright with glory wear another body. Go hence, depart, fly in all directions: this place for him the Fathers have provided. Yama bestows on him a place to rest in adorned with days and beams of light and waters.”

“That’s a beautiful prayer.”

Padma turned around quickly, still feeling jumpy after the battle and the months of war that had preceded it. But it was only Anthony’s mother, looking like her heart had been ripped from her. She looked so much like him, with dark curls and hazel eyes. She was petite, much shorter than Padma, but beautiful.

“Thank you, Mrs. Goldstein,” Padma replied, inclining her head toward the matriarch. “I’m sorry about Anthony. I’m going to miss him very much.”

“Please call me Rachel. You’re Padma, aren’t you?” she asked.

Padma nodded, fidgeting a little and making the bangles on her wrist jingle softly. Rachel smiled gently at her, reaching out to grasp her hand.

“Anthony cared about you a great deal,” Rachel assured her, her voice choking up a bit as she wiped away a stray tear with her free hand. “Seth and I would love to have you over to our house for dinner any time you’d like. Perhaps in a month or two. You could share stories of Anthony at school.”

“I’d like that very much,” Padma replied, squeezing his mother’s hand in return.

Rachel squeezed Padma’s hand once more, and pulled away, turning to her family. Looking around, Padma realized that Anthony’s family were the only ones still in attendance, and she immediately felt self conscious. As difficult as it was, the time had come for her to say her final goodbye. 

Padma looked at Anthony’s face once more, thinking of the things she’d never told him, and she felt sadness engulf her in one of the waves that had been sweeping over frequently since the battle. 

“Goodbye,” she whispered, turning away from the casket. Padma knew it was only a farewell in the physical sense - she would carry this love with her always.

[lyraeon]

Hi! Sorry for intruding, and you definitely don't have to answer if this too personnal or invasive, but I've been wondering if my depression might be a bipolar one for a while now, only I don't always see myself in the way people talk about mania/hypomania, only sometimes I do? And the way you described mania being /straightforwardly frustrating/ sort of spoke to me, so I was wondering if you could explain what you meant by that? (or direct me to posts where you have?) Huge thanks!

Hello friend!

I’m sure I have other posts about it somewhere, but short of digging through my whole relevant tag, I wouldn’t know where to look for them. But I don’t mind explaining overall.

First of all, if your depression seems to come and go, but not necessarily be replaced by hypomania or mania, it may be something else. Seasonal Affective Disorder is the most common alternative, but Cyclothymia is also a thing, and should especially be looked up if your depression also never hits a bottomless pit level. Don’t fall into the trap of thinking “well, it’s not THAT bad, so I guess I’m ONLY cyclothymic and I shouldn’t worry about it” or whatever though!! That’s just the depression talking and trying to keep you down. Ignore it.

I don’t know if I get manic or hypomanic, doctors have consistently disagreed about it. But, I know I have two main modes of mania, though they can bleed into each other.

There winds up being talk about hallucinations, self-harm, and graphic nightmares in this, so if that’s gonna bug anyone reading this, J on past it

Hyperactive mania:

What is sleep? This is not me procrastinating sleep or being distracted by other things, this is me flat out not needing more than 3-4 hours of sleep a night and having trouble getting to sleep to begin with, not in an insomnia “I’m so tired but can’t settle down” way but in a “I don’t feel tired unless I drink or take sleeping pills or otherwise really wear myself out” way.

Zero focus - I have little to no attention span most of the time to begin with (I suspect I have ADHD but most doctors will be reluctant to diagnose that in addition to bipolar, since mania has a lot of overlap). This typically gets worse during mania; I will repeatedly get up out of my chair to walk laps around my house, often gesturing wildly and definitely talking out loud to myself if no one’s home. I’ll sometimes try to play music to get the energy out to that, but rarely get through a single verse before skipping to the next.

Hyperfocus - and when I do manage to focus on something, (which has to either be something I’m REALLY ENJOYING or something social) I will get dragged into it for 14 hours and only snap out of it if I need a bathroom break or something. The Sims is a common one, not just for me but for a lot of people from what I hear. I always know something was a hyperfocus and not a thing I really wanted to do in general because after 3 days - 2 weeks of the thing I won’t touch it again for months or years. My last manic fit involved playing a sim city phone game for 6-7 hours a day and binge watching multiple people’s entire hermitcraft 4 season. The one before that had me playing rollercoaster tycoon constantly.

sex drive - suddenly characters and celebrities I had not previously regarded as hot are hot. Suddenly I have 15 AO3 tabs open. I feel like people who know me well can notice my mania just by how often and what gets reblogged to my NSFW blog.

poor decision making - I’m far more likely to buy ice cream or alcohol or other things I don’t need to be spending my money on. I’m far more likely to give in to the whole not sleeping thing, or to take sleeping meds despite cutting it way too close to when I have to be up the next day. I lose my verbal filter. I still don’t know if the fact I don’t do anything life-ruiningly stupid is evidence I’m only hypomanic, not manic, or just my anxiety keeping me in check.

Intense emotions - I cried at a University of Phoenix ad yesterday y’all. I also in general am not one to cheer or yell at something happening on TV/in a video, but get more invested when manic and react on a level closer to when I’m actively playing a game or something.

But there’s also the frustrating side (not that the above isn’t often frustrating, just that the above are more associated with positive emotions or at least not a pervasive Stressed Out feeling)

Easily frustrated - I am not one to get mad, normally. I actually get criticized for just letting things slide that obviously upset me/”you keep saying it’s okay right after saying it’s not okay”. I don’t know how to handle getting mad due to gaslighting issues growing up that I won’t get into right now so when I do start getting mad, it tends to build up until I find myself tense and literally stomping mad and sitting in the car screaming in frustration (because if I scream in the house someone might hear me). I also snap at people far, far more often when manic, losing any patience I would typically have and sometimes going for passive aggressive gouges if what they’re annoying me with has built up over a couple days as opposed to instantly. For example, yelling at people who are in my raid group.

nightmares - dear god the nightmares. I will do things in them that I find barely or completely unquestionable in them, then wake up freaked the fuck out because I just - well, we’ll go with today’s example, which is that I fuckin shot my dog in my dream, and for no apparent reason! Death is a pervasive thing in these, including me getting jolted awake by my own death in them, but unstoppable torrents of water are also common as is things just not making any sense - an object I’m holding turning into something else the moment I try to give it to someone else is also something that happens a lot

tense - dear god do my shoulders and back hurt, and not my normal everyday chronic arthritis pain, because that’s in the joints. This is every muscle pulled as tight as it will go and locked, and often carries a sensation of “the only way to fix this is to literally claw them off the bones”. Upper back is the most common but my forearms come next (especially near my elbows) and every major muscle can feel that way if I’m far enough gone. This used to lead to self-harm in the form of me scraping at those areas trying to make the sensation stop (and has lead to weird masochism stuff), but it’s something I consciously avoid now. I’ll usually try to rub at them or stretch to relieve the tightness, but often sleeping it off is my only real recourse.

really, really, REALLY unable to focus - I can’t get through two minutes of a video without pausing it. I skip every song 4 seconds in and instead of just feeling like they don’t fit quite right, each song feels like it’s personally offending me by not being the right one and I eventually give up and take off my headphones in a huff. I’ll forget I was loading the dishwasher halfway through. I’ll keep doing one more little task and one more little task for hours to procrastinate simple things like eating or walking the dog. I always in general have trouble finishing my sentences sometimes, because I’ll lose words or I’ll wind up reading/hearing something mid-sentence, but it becomes every third sentence.

Itchy - everything feels wrong. My hair has to be pinned up as thoroughly as possible so it can’t touch my skin, my glasses have to be perfectly clean because the smudges will piss me off, my clothes have to be just right so they don’t touch my skin in ways that will make me jump/itch like if my hair touches me, any rough edge of my nails or cuticles has to immediately be chewed off, if there’s a weird hair or a zit or a scab anywhere on me I will be picking at it instantly, whatever I’m sitting or laying on is too lumpy, etc. My scalp itches regardless of when I last washed my hair, but washing my hair sounds dreadful because the sensation of wet hair weighing me down is even worse (vs it normally being a soothing sensation to me). My ears itch!! it’s maddening and distracting.

noise and light sensetivity - everything is too bright and too loud! I’ll have as many lights off as possible (sitting in the dark, showering in the dark, screens all as dim as they will go; I’ll often close my eyes or blindfold myself if I really need to concentrate on something I’m typing or listening to). I try to get white noise because background sounds like the dog walking around will drive me batty, but white noise will give the same “wrong one” sensation as music, and if I notice ANY repetition in the white noise (obvious bird loops for example) unless I have deliberately chosen a repetitive melody because it feels right, I will snap and have to turn it off and probably just cover my ears for a while. 

The sensation that shit would suck less if I was drunk right now, because that would either “at least give me something to do” or “make all of this funny instead of annoying” (but alcohol only intensifies what I’m feeling, so if I’m “good” manic it makes me super happy and if I’m frustrated manic I just get angrier)

just an overall sense that everything is wrong and there’s nothing I can do about it and unlike when I’m depressed, wherein I feel like it’s all my fault and I probably deserve to die because of it, it all just pisses me off more and makes me need to get up and wander around. in the less extreme of these moments, I end up trying to figure out lists of what needs to be done, but getting frustrated trying to think that hard. In the worse ones, things will be blown out of scale and I’ll be plagued not just by the problems in my own life but by how fucking frustrating it is not to be able to fix, oh, our broken government, or how frustrating it is that I don’t have the money to just buy us a house right this second, etc.

hallucinations - this is top floor mania for me. The only thing above it is the roof that I will sometimes lay on at 2 in the morning, limbs spread as wide as possible for minimal skin contact, laughing uncontrollably on the inside while feeling paralyzed. My hallucinations are “mild” ones - I’ve only had one or two visual flashes in my life, everything else has been sounds, and it’s rarely been even words, let alone more. it’s usually alarms and sometimes music. I’ll hear my boyfriend’s alarm going off, or the fire alarm going off, or my own alarm going off, or my family’s burglar alarm going off, etc. This is one that meds have been royally good at keeping under control and I’ve only had breakthroughs of it when I’m also sleep deprived.

-basically, mania is fUCKING FRUSTRATING AS ALL GET OUT because you have all this energy but nothing FEELS RIGHT so nothing gets DONE, 99.94% of the time.

The additional problem for me with breakthrough mania - that is, symptoms that happen despite my medication keeping me mostly “normal” -  is that it rarely brings any of the positive aspects that make being manic at least fun in the moment, if not sometimes genuinely worth it. I can get a LOT done when manic if I can take advantage of it before the bad symptoms set in, and I suspect a lot of my current writer’s block issues are because I’m not getting the same kind of hyperfocus days that I used to. But boy do I still itch sometimes, boy are my shoulders craving for me to go rub on a tree like a bear, boy is my stomach cranky because I’m so hungry but eating food sounds like a horrifying chore because what if it doesn’t taste right, etc.

I don’t really know how to explain exactly what I mean by the emotions feeling stunted, but it’s sort of like trying your hardest to find the can opener because you know it’s got to be somewhere, but it’s not anywhere you’re looking, except the can opener is your ability to be excited about this thing you wanted to do, or is your ability to be mad about something you know for a fact you’re pissed about, but you get stuck sitting there just dully frustrated instead because you can only read the label of the can, not actually experience the contents? Or maybe like opening it and finding store brand, “no sugar added” peaches instead of the really good del monte overly sweet stuff; your emotions themselves just feel lackluster compared to what you know they can be.

If a lot of this sounds familiar - if you’re like, yeah I get really annoyed easily and get sensory issues etc but I thought I didn’t get mania because I’ve never been pulled over in vegas going 110 in a 45 and all the media presents of mania is that and crazy chicks putting themselves $12,000 in debt overnight and waking up with no recollection of it - then you probably have hypomanic bipolar. If little bits sound familiar but they always are accompanied by existential dread and/or the pervasive sense you’ve gotta keep moving Or Else, it could be some sort of anxiety disorder. Parts of this list also overlap with autism, or with ADHD, or with BPD, just depending on which symptoms you have.

By my understanding, the one cornerstone of any form of mania is that you feel like you have more energy than normal; not more energy than depressed you, but an actual excess. That energy can fade fast/turn out to be just a sensation and not actual energy, but the sensation is still there, and usually fucks with your sleep.

Hopefully that helped. If it didn’t, or if it did but there’s something else you want to know, feel free to shoot me another anon or a message. I might be slow to respond because my sleep schedule is currently fucked to three more hells than normal, but I will definitely do what I can to help.