#it's improved my moods and mental health by a ton so I'm trying that here

[one-year-experiment]

Day 1

Hi - I'm not entirely sure what I'm doing with this blog or this post in general.

Well, that's not true. I do know why I made this blog and am posting this now.

As my title probably suggests, I am using this blog as a big of a megaphone into the void over the next year. I don't actually know if anybody will see this, but that's the point.

A bit about me: I'm currently deep in a depressive episode (am medicated and going to therapy so don't worry about my safety/health) and I've spend most of my adult life trying to set aggressive goals, sprinting, tiring out (obviously) and then abandoning things. I'm 28 (he/him/his), gay, and feel like I have to make up for lost time (have had that thought since I was 18), I don't have a great relationship with my body. I don't have a terrible relationship, but when I'm sad or anxious, food (and a ton of it) is something that cuts through the dull noise of the world and is honestly the only thing I'm excited about.

This blog is going to be a bit of me externalizing my thoughts, plans, goals, and reflections on things that worked/didn't. For the past year especially, I've lost count of how many times I've identified actionable things I could do to better my mental health, physical health, self-esteem, etc. and I just cannot follow through. I just feel paralyzed.

I'm a musician (as a hobby but I'd love to do it for a living), and work a remote (unrelated) job that is fine but not fulfilling and incredibly frustrating (more on that I'm sure to come). I just feel like I haven't felt like I've accomplished anything for a long time (and I objectively have done things that mattered, or was proud of). In the past, my depression has just manifested as sad/afraid to participate in life. And now I just feel like life is slipping through my fingertips and I don't have the desire to try to participate in ways that would help me.

So, if you're reading this from somewhere else in the world, I mainly just want to feel normal again. I want to not feel like I have brain fog all the time. I want to be excited about the future rather than terrified by it.

As far as things I want to improve or accomplish, here's my general list:

Publish music somewhat regularly, and try to enjoy the process rather than the cycle of being disappointed when nobody listens. I constantly have bouts of making a lot of music, producing it, uploading it, and then radio silence. And that's been tiring.

Get physically fit again

Become a bit better organized/plan my day/try to foster some sense of accomplishment, even if it's not "towards my goals."

Work on confidence

Try to learn more to be more effective at my job

Become fluent in Spanish (I currently am intermediate and clearly not in one year but foster habits that will help reach that goal)

Write a play (currently just in the beginning phases of that process)

Be kind to myself, especially when I'm in these moods

I am purposefully omitting a lot of details about my life because I just want this to be something I can look back on and (hopefully) be in a much better place in a year. I think this is probably pretty unorganized and random. But I just wanted to make an imperfect first step rather than wait yet another day. I'm hoping that, by writing down all of my dreams and goals, it'll be harder to avoid actually doing them because I'll have to come to terms with wanting something and not doing anything to get it.

Thanks for reading. See you tomorrow :)

[mikeholdher]

Update: Jan 25th

Mood for 2020.

I think I finally resolved alot of demons I was dealing with. I had to be brutally honest with alot of things in my life. Telling myself that no matter what there are some situations I can't change o have to leave them alone and stop putting time and energy into them.

I those things off and for awhile I was stuck with a lot of time on my hands. Borderline depressed cause I didn't want to get out of bed. Felt I didn't have a purpose anymore. Amazed at the fact that I survived this long. I honestly convinced myself at one point that I've lived a good life. So if nothing comes from it anymore or I die it'll be okay. I was fine with just not doing anything. The holiday blues just made everything feel worse in the sense that yet again I felt alone. No one to relate to. And mentally no one to connect with at all.

Pulling myself out of that was the hardest thing I've probably ever done. I'd say because for the first time in my life I felt like I didn't have an answer at all. So I just started trying to fill my schedule up with random things. Just to give my another place to go and focus on something that wasn't related to the hear and now. I picked my racing seat up from my parents house finally. Ordered a self motivation book and another book on cancer. Maybe if I could read someone else's story instead of mine that would give me a break. Convinced myself that I wasn't in the best shape at all. I always talked about returning to my soccer season shape when I played in an adult comp league for a little but I never acted on it. Had to look in the mirror and say "You know you're better than this so why are you giving up." From mid December to now I've packed on around 9lbs-10lbs and I noticed that my quads definitely look alot better. The actual scars on my leg from surgery are stretching a substantial amount.

Funny story I got drunk 1 night recently and agreed to a 4100 calorie meal plan with the roomies. Been actually sticking to it. But it's a fuck ton of eating and mass gainer shakes. Literally eating throughout most of the day if not all of it. Don't mix Skrewball, Jameson, and Stella or you may see similar stupidity.

Bought a guitar... I haven't played in like 4 years. But hey better sooner than later. I think it'll help exercise my brain and may improve my memory to at least somewhat near what it was before the surgeries.

Binging the fuck out of k dramas, c dramas, t dramas, anime, and Netflix in general.

Retail therapy by that I mean an unhealthy obsession with Superdry,puma, and clothes in general. I had to be brutally honest... Would I date myself looking the way I did before. And the answer was no. After my surgery I stopped dressing up and really let my appearance go. I made the excuse that it was because half my face was missing. And I would start wearing button ups and keeping up everything after I was all patched up.

I knew in the back of my head it was just an excuse I was making. I feel good now. I went overboard with clothes but honestly one of the best feelings in the world is presenting the best version of yourself to the world. Your own unique style. It's the equivalent of a skilled painter presenting his art in a gallery.

I still have this feeling of loneliness on some days but I'm enjoying my own company alot more now. Even if I'm not making big steps I'm still moving forward. And at least I can say now that I'm not depressed anymore or at least I'm battling it and coping. You'd be surprised how much you can overcome after you start being real with yourself and more importantly putting your mental health and happiness before everything else.

Also if anyone needs someone to talk to I'm here. I would have wanted someone to do the same thing for me when I was going through. So it's the least I can do. We all can use some help sometimes as much as I hate to admit it.

[sheisrecovering]

I have anxiety and in the past 5 days I've only slept for about 5 hours in total. Some nights I haven't slept at all. When I do fall asleep, it's like 7am and I only sleep for 1-2 hours. I'm panicking so much and I'm so scared I'll die of sleep deprivation. I don't want to take medication because I've always had a fear of putting unknown chemicals in my body. The more I try to get myself to calm down and rest, the more my mind refuses to allow me to sleep. :(

Darling I am so sorry that it’s been so difficult trying to get the rest you that need. I truly understand how anxiety can destroy your sleep schedule and I have also experienced fear of dying from sleep deprivation. You are definitely not alone. I want you to know you your fears are totally valid, and luckily there is still a lot you can do to try and improve your sleep.

One of the best ways to start is by creating a routine. A routine before bedtime can help calm an active and anxious mind. By repeating your own routine, your body will naturally know when it’s time to get ready for sleep. The length of your routine is always up to you and how much time you need to unwind, but try not to exceed over an hour.

What you do during your routine is also completely up to you and what helps you wind down, but here are some of the most common and my personal favourite ways of relaxing before bed …

Essential Oils: There are tons of different ways to use essential oils such as; in the bath, lightly spraying it on your sheets, giving yourself a gentle massage, etc. Some essential oils that help reduce anxiety and promote a better sleep are; lavender, clary sage oil, vetiver, roman chamomile, jasmine, ylang ylang, bergamot, sandalwood, marjoram, cedarwood.

Exercise:

“According to some studies, regular exercise works as well as medication for some people to reduce symptoms of anxiety and depression, and the effects can be long lasting. One vigorous exercise session can help alleviate symptoms for hours, and a regular schedule may significantly reduce them over time.Although exercise has a positive effect for most people, some recent studies show that for some, exercise may not have a positive effect on anxiety or depression or may not make a strong impact on long-term mental health.Like all forms of therapy, the effect can vary: Some people may respond positively, others may find it doesn’t improve their mood much, and some may experience only a modest short-term benefit.” source

5 Stress-relieving stretches

8 Yoga poses for stress relief

Try dancing, running, walking, biking, swimming, etc. Whatever is available and fun to you.

Take a quick shower to refresh and regulate your body temperature after you exercise.

Guided Meditations for Sleep:

Ascension from earth to stars (youtube)

Can’t sleep (youtube)

Floating amongst the stars (youtube)

Healing the body and mind (youtube)

Make it Comfy: 

Prepare your bed with clean sheets every week.

Keep extra layers on your bed so you can shed if needed.

Dim or turn off the lights.

Close any curtains or blinds.

Turn off all electronics at least 45 minutes before bedtime.

Consider investing in an extra special pillow.

Listen to Soothing Music: Create a playlist with songs that won’t make you too emotional or hyped up.

Melatonin: Melatonin is a hormone produced by a tiny section of our brain called the pineal gland. Small amounts are also naturally found in veggies, fruits, meats, and grains. Melatonin helps regulate and control our sleep cycles, and can actually be bought as a supplement. In my personal experience this was one of my all-time favourite sleep hacks when my anxiety refused to let me rest, but it’s important that you research and read the label prior to trying it out. I keep a bottle of Melatonin in my room and use it less than once a month now. 

Relaxation Techniques:

5 Relaxation techniques for better sleep

Calm breathing

Breathing exercises for stress relief

Muscle relaxation for stress and insomnia

Progressive muscle relaxation

Read a Good Book: Try not to pick anything that would cause anxiety or stress. Aim for a happy book that can help you relax. Art books, biographical books, and your favourite children’s books are some other good book options. 

Tea: Chamomile, ginger, turmeric, magnolia bark, lavender, lemonbalm, passionflower, peppermint, and valerian teas all contribute to a better sleep. Here is a great list of brands recommended by others. 

Writing: Thoughts can easily keep us up at night. Write out all of your frustrations, worries, reminders and thoughts on paper before your bed time. Write down every positive and grateful thought you can as well.

Professional Help: When nothing seems to be helping, it’s time to reach out to a professional such as your doctor. It can be really scary throughout the process, but it can also be one of the best ways to recovery. Being honest about your feelings, including how you feel about medication, is crucial with your doctor. Ask about your options and resources in your area.

I hope at least one of these tips can help you out, angel. It really does feel terrible when you can’t sleep, and you deserve to feel rested and well. 💕💜