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slugtranslation-hypmic · 4 years

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important question that's been bugging me for a while. since hypmic plays in a female powered society.. does that make everything like..our world but reverse? so that guys are more often oppressed and girls are more likely to be predators, taking what happened to hifumi (like men are more likely to us) and stuff like that? (or like if we imagine everything genderbent and apply our society to that) sorry I hope this is not too triggering. love your work!

This is a delicate question. I am going to put my answer below a cut. Topics included: sexual predators, misogyny, assault, kidnapping, the mistreatment of male sexual assault victims

I don’t think that I’m necessarily the best person to answer this or examine this. I’m not educated enough in this particular topic. However, I have tried to give it as much thought and respect as I can.

The Question of Female Predators

This is a very complex topic. Female predators are already not uncommon in the world we live in, so I guess the question of whether there would be more or less female predators depends on what factors contribute to people becoming a predator.

I could be entirely wrong about this, but I think one factor that causes a lot of fear of being preyed upon is the size difference between most AMAB people and AFAB people. Obviously, there are millions of exceptions to this rule, but AMAB people generally tend to be taller, more muscular, and broader than AFAB people. The majority of AMAB people are also men (whereas the majority of AFAB people are women), so on average, an altercation between an untrained man and an untrained woman is not likely to end in the woman’s favor. This isn’t going to change in the world of Hypnosis Mic.

It’s the societal factors that would change. The Center for Hope and Safety says, “A sexual offender generally believes he is better than other people and so does not have to follow the rules that ordinary people do.” This is a stance the Party of Words elevates. The Party constantly practices “othering” and promotes themselves as an elite group. Only they are allowed to enter a certain area. Only they are allowed to write the name of their ward in kanji, whereas every other location must use the foreign-looking katakana. ARB events frequently feature Party members shoving characters around from place to place with no explanation, as questions are not allowed. Only the Party can know what’s going on. Using this as a guideline, I think it’s very possible for predators already within the Party to use this as an excuse for being a predator. “Men are worthless, so I can abuse them.”

You could argue that the Party is founded on the principles of safety for women and non-violence, but the Party is also very hypocritical. Its promises of safety are only for the party itself; it puts on painful gladiator battles to turn a profit and purposefully cause infighting to keep the Party safe. Ramuda even suggests (and I have no reason to disbelieve him) in TDD 12 that they have a stockpile of weapons as well. The Party doesn’t care for anything but itself and staying in power.

So yes, predators within the Party are probably more likely to abuse their power, but would the shift towards a female-dominated society create more female predators? That’s a much harder question to answer. I am not remotely equipped to speak on what causes someone to become a predator. I do, however, think that societal norms can enable predators or foster mindsets of fright against certain groups.

In the world that we live in, it is very possible for men in certain areas to sexually assault or otherwise mistreat a woman and be applauded by their communities. Think of online communities such as “The Red Pill” or “Men Going Their Own Way”. Such communities believe that women deserve this mistreatment, and while these are very extreme examples, this same mindset permeates a lot of global societies. Even on a small scale, a lot of men tend to make casual sexist comments because we were raised with the notion of this being socially appropriate. And there’s the issue - it’s inappropriate, but it’ll continue to be socially appropriate as long as we don’t continue to challenge ourselves, challenge our friends, and raise our children with better standards of accountability and respect. These social changes do not happen in the blink of an eye, and I highly doubt that a single three years with the Party of Words in power would change that.

Similarly, a lot of girls in our societies are taught (both consciously and subconsciously) to defer to their male peers or even to fear men in positions of power. Once again, unlearning this and teaching future generations more positive standards does not happen overnight. I doubt that most women in the Hypmic universe are able to make radical shifts of thinking and acting over the course of three years. Furthermore, I doubt that many men are really taking the Party’s misandristic words to heart. None of the main characters seem particularly bothered by Ichijiku calling them barbarous fools on the regular; it’s an annoyance, sure, but that’s it. We’d have to see the Party in power for a much longer time to witness any large societal changes.

Additionally, the world inside Chuuouku and the world without are quite different. While Chuuouku boasts state-of-the-art architecture and technology, the rest of Japan gets by like normal, if perhaps in a bit shabbier fashion than to be expected for this futuristic world. Men and women seem to still fit into stereotypical gender roles in much the same way that they do today. Doppo’s bosses are all men; the majority of doctors we see are men, and the nurses tend to be women. While some of Jirou’s female classmates seem to be especially assertive, male and female students get along in the same way as we would expect to see in our world. Women are still kidnapped and trafficked by primarily male yakuza. The former military looks to be exclusively made up of men. Progress moves slowly, so I think we can assume that the Japan outside of Chuuouku is approximately our modern Japan.

One of the major issues in examining this topic is that we see so little female-male interaction in regards to sex or romance. Ramuda and Hifumi are the only characters (that I can think of off the top of my head) who have any on-screen sexually/romantically charged interactions with women, but probably because this is a series largely marketed towards women, these interactions never go beyond light, impersonal flirting. To really take a look at how predators and assault may be featured in the Hypmic universe, we would need a much larger sample size. That being said, I’d still like to examine two case studies: Nemu and Hifumi.

Nemu

The two driving forces of Nemu’s character are her rejection of violence and her desire to have personal strength. The first of these is probably rooted in her childhood, from living with an abusive father, witnessing his violent murder, and witnessing the subsequent suicide of her mother. Samatoki doesn’t appear to have any resources for dealing with his own processing of these events, and he turns to violence and emotional outbursts as a way to channel his feelings. This violence continues to wear on Nemu, but she can still withstand it under normal circumstances up until the moment she is kidnapped.

Nemu cites her kidnapping as an example of her weakness, when in reality, it is an exhibition of anything but weakness. She remains calm throughout the entire ordeal, comforts Jirou and Saburou and keeps them hopeful, throws her shoe at Genchou, and offers him to cut her fingers off if that means the others will be spared. Nemu isn’t weak – she is a hero. She is a seventeen year old girl who lost both parents at a young age and has witnessed horrifically traumatic situations, yet she keeps her head during a hostage situation and acts with courage in order to keep everyone else safe.

Nemu calls herself weak not because she thinks she’s weak for anything she did during the situation, but because the situation happened to her in the first place. She is victim blaming herself for violent assault. This isn’t a logical position, but it’s a very understandable position for someone with her background. Unfortunately, Samatoki doesn’t have the knowledge or resources in order to help her process her trauma safely, and his own coping mechanisms only set her off further.

Nemu isn’t mentally weak, but she is very emotionally vulnerable. Even without the Party’s hypnosis, an offer from the Party would be too tantalizing to ignore. They can promise her a world in which suddenly she has the power over everyone else and where violence is not practiced. An offer like this is impossible for her to ignore. Even though the Party are the ones putting her in jeopardy again, they implicitly promise her that she can never be hurt again. For a young, brave, powerful girl holding in so much pain, that promise is everything she’s ever wanted.

As mentioned before, the Party doesn’t care about stopping violence. In fact, it encourages infighting among its civilians. If Nemu were not in an emotionally vulnerable position, she could see that and reject the Party’s offer, but that’s exactly why the Party targets her and not any of her peers. Imagine how many other young girls in similar situations fall prey to the same trap. These girls need healing and positive environments, but they are fed propaganda instead.

Hifumi

I don’t talk about this much because it’s a very uncomfortable subject for me, but the way Hifumi is depicted is a real tragedy.

We don’t know the details of what this particular girl did to Hifumi, but we do know that it continues to impact him over ten years later. We know that Hifumi developed his coping strategy on his own, seemingly without professional help, and that without it, he can’t begin to live even an approximation of a normal life. The illustrations of him encountering a woman show him hiding, cowering with his neck covered, or crying. He looks to be in genuine fear of losing his life. Consider being this afraid of half of the population and how frequently he must encounter women in his daily life: on the street, in the grocery store, on public transportation. Without the jacket, Hifumi’s life is a nightmare.

And yet the canon source material frames it as a joke. The humurous background music in ARB and Hifumi’s exaggerated gestures in the manga show that his fear and discomfort is a punchline. This would definitely not be a funny gag with the genders reversed (a woman sobbing in fear and running away every time she sees a man), so it is a travesty that this is the stance the authors continue to take.

The world we live in is, generally speaking, not kind to its male assault victims. Misogynistic attitudes create an environment in which it is shameful for men to admit that they were assaulted, especially by women. It should not be a punchline when one human being hurts another, and it is wrong and sexist beyond all belief to perpetuate the idea that women can’t be cruel, violent, and manipulative just as much as anyone else can.

I would like to hope that Hifumi’s case isn’t indicative of all Hypmic universe male assault victims, but I don’t think that’s the case. Hifumi definitely has access to mental health resources, considering that his roommate does, but there is no evidence that Hifumi has ever come forward to ask for help about this issue. This is probably a combination of Hifumi’s internal shame and an unsupportive environment. While Doppo does help Hifumi navigate daily life around women, Doppo’s facial expressions suggest he considers the matter a nuisance. He threatens to take away or withhold the suit when Hifumi’s coping method annoys him, and otherwise doesn’t seem to take Hifumi’s distress seriously. Jakurai appears to be more supportive, but he doesn’t ever offer additional help or resources to Hifumi beyond what Hifumi already has. In fact, the majority of Jakurai’s interest in the subject seems to be around examining Hifumi like a case rather than as a person needing assistance.

It’s also probably a result of the faux macho attitudes that are rampant within the Hypmic universe. Hypmic men are bound by a multitude of ridiculous expectations that I always feel like an idiot translating. “Men don’t cry.” “Men don’t get stuck feeling disappointed.” Absolute nonsense. Men can and will do anything, just like any other group of people. It’s far more productive to encourage men to be their best selves, respectful and helpful to themselves and everyone else, than to feed into this sort of behavior which implies the hideously false “men can’t be assaulted”.

This all results in Hifumi living a double life and only being able to remove his façade in the safety of his own apartment or with his two friends. That’s a miserable existence, and while Hifumi appears to be cheerful enough, it’s sickening to see that this is supposed to be comedic.

The Question of Male Oppression

The Party of Words does institute laws to oppress men, but this oppression is fairly ridiculous. Yotsutsuji says that men are taxed at a higher rate than women and that men aren’t allowed into certain areas (such as Chuuouku, I presume). Despite these challenges, the majority of Hypmic universe men seem to lead pretty normal lives. As mentioned above, the professional fields still appear to be dominated by men, and male-on-female violence doesn’t seem much different from how it is in our contemporary world. These laws aren’t making a significant change in male lives, so they must be made to impact women. Yet these are token impacts only, as they don’t in any way actually make the lives for non-Chuuouku women any better. By making this an “us against them” deal, the Party is able to make more women sympathetic to their cause and cause more infighting (thus distracting people from “us against the Party”) without actually having to make positive changes for anyone.

These laws also aren’t the reason why rebel groups exist. Consider the motivations each character gives in TDD 11. Ichirou mentions a lack of central law and regulations making it difficult to keep loved ones safe. The infighting that the Party promotes via its rap battles allows for power-hungry individuals like Mozuku to take over whole areas and instate whatever rules they want, no matter the cost to the citizens. Samatoki is frustrated by being directed to fight when he can’t see a good cause; similarly, Ramuda is concerned about the effects of the fighting on the neighborhoods they pass through. Even with non-lethal weapons, a country in constant conflict is not one in which its citizens can prosper. Jakurai is concerned about inequalities between Chuuouku and the rest of the country. He mentions in FP/M 15 (which we’ll have up in a few days for you to see for yourself) that he’ll use the prize money from winning the DRB to provide medical care for locations that the Party can’t or won’t supply with aid. Later in the chapter, he drives away from the spectacular, futuristic city of Chuuouku back into a Tokyo marked with graffiti and squalor. Even the male citizens don’t care about how they’re treated as compared to their female counterparts; they care that everyone is suffering together under the Party’s poor governing.

The Party has never sought to oppress men and elevate women. The Party’s goal is to elevate itself and oppress everyone else. The gender inequality is as much of a diversionary tactic as the Division Rap Battle.

#not a translation #asks

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malachi-walker · 4 years

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Catra and the Performative Nature of Villainy and Abuse Survival

(Yeah, with a title like that you can tell I earned that English lit masters. -.-)

Ok, so I have a lot of She-ra meta bouncing around my skull I need to get to one day, but let’s start with the big one post s4: the psychological and symbolic implications that are made explicit in DT’s epic call out of Catra (please note that I specified “made explicit” not revealed, because a lot of the stuff I wanna talk about was already there if you knew where to look.)

1. Catra’s villainy is inherently performative.

Yeah, pretty obvious but I’m going somewhere with this. If you pay close attention to Catra throughout the series, her words (the stuff on the surface) and her underlying actions don’t match up. Not entirely. No tsundere jokes, please, because it ultimately leads back to a very common pattern among abuse victims and some very interesting implications for Catra herself.

Basically it’s not horribly uncommon for abuse victims, especially those in domestic or child abuse situations, to end up performing on multiple levels. Level one: performing for the abuser in the hopes that this will minimize or stop the abuse. (Check.) Level two: performing for loved ones so as not to either worry them or risk them leaving if the abuse becomes obvious.

Oh, double check.

And lastly, Level Three: the act of performing as a method of keeping people on the outside away from you, either out of fear of more pain or fear of further judgment, which is a huge bulk of what we see Catra spiralling through this entire series.

Like, I myself was a child abuse victim for the first twelve years of my life (I’m fine now after about a decade of therapy) and I operated on all these different levels; alternating between placating my abuser to avoid punishment or rebelling to take back some form of control, deflecting from my other loved ones so as not to worry them, and being absolutely resistant to outside forces coming in, because at that point I had so little control over my life that I was more comfortable with embracing the hell I knew as a way to give myself some measure of control and stability than have someone save me from that situation but take that control away from me. Fucked up, but true. Which brings me into my second point:

2. Words have no inherent value for Catra except as weapons.

Which again, makes perfect sense considering her upbringing. Unlike Adora, Catra never had the luxury of buying into the Horde propaganda. She knew they hurt innocent people because she’d already been enduring torture from the time she was a small child–as other people have pointed out before. Moreover, she grew up in an environment that treated words with varying levels of consistency, where Shadow Weaver can praise Adora for doing one thing and then mercilessly put down Catra for doing the exact same thing equally.

This not only teaches someone about lying, this teaches someone that words are weapons, and Catra took that lesson and ran with it. Even when she and Adora were on good terms, she would still lightly drag her or put her down, but I don’t think it was from any inherent malice at that point. Good example: in episode one she’s perfectly content to mock Adora while she’s stuck in the pit, but immediately after she reached down and helped pull her out. “Actions speak louder than words” is an old clichè, but it’s super important to keep in mind when analyzing Catra’s character. Out of all the characters on Spop, she is the last one who can be analyzed from surface words alone, because so much of it is an act.

In fact, I can think of probably only one instance in which Catra did actually wholeheartedly believe in words…

Yeah, y'all know what I’m talking about.

And again, that makes perfect sense. Because Adora wasn’t just Catra’s best friend, she was explicitly her lifeline. Shadow Weaver’s exact words to little Catra were: “I’ve kept you around this long because Adora was fond of you. But if you ever do anything to jeopardize her future, I will dispose of you myself.” On top of that, the other cadets show clear signs of having sensed the blood in the water, so to speak: it’s an open secret to everyone but Adora that Shadow Weaver hates Catra’s guts, and therefore it stands to reason that in a cutthroat culture like the Horde’s, Catra was probably seen as easy prey until she learned to defend herself. Because it wasn’t like Shadow Weaver would do anything about it.

So Adora was the only person Catra could count on, but that also leads into the double edged aspect of words I’ve been talking about: Catra could let herself believe in their promise, but not enough to actually reveal to her what was going on. In the same way Shadow Weaver lightens up on the abuse when Adora’s around (just compare her use of lightning on Catra in Promise vs the Sword pt 2–the former is very subdued and looks almost like a simple hold, while the latter makes it very obvious this is painful torture) Catra deflects away from the subject around Adora, and the few times she does approach it “Why does she hate me so much” she tends not to get the reassurance she wants because Adora isn’t as clued in on the situation.

I mean, it’s pretty telling that Catra’s first leap off the slippery slope after being more of a nuisance than anything else up to that point came after Light Hope deliberately pushed her buttons by basically taunting her with the one thing that Catra had ever allowed herself to believe in.

I mean, her younger self looks at her as if to drive in the point of “you were a fool to believe in it!” After what we found out in S4, you cannot make me believe that wasn’t Light Hope deliberately twisting the knife to make sure they didn’t reconcile. And immediately after Catra pitches Adora off a cliff. Good times.

Ok, that was a big fucking lead in to my main point, but here we are:

3. Pretty much everything Catra says from that point onward is an act.

And it’s an obvious one, all things considered. Because that’s when Catra gets vicious. That’s when all her verbal barbs start cutting deep. That’s when combat between her and Adora goes from almost playful to outright brutal. And that’s when we start seeing Catra using her words as weapons against herself in addition to everyone else.

Because that’s the point when Catra starts feeding into her constructed persona of being this smug, confident, in-control villain who most definitely isn’t capable of being hurt like that ever again, no siree. We get to see several times across s4 in particular where her feelings clearly aren’t in line with her actions, and what does she do? She forces herself to say something cruel or hard-hearted as a way to essentially drag her actions and internal feelings back into line with that constructed person. Good example is the locker room scene with the Horde Trio: Catra very clearly wants to reach out to them and experience a little of their camaraderie, but she forces herself back into “I’m the boss” mode. And when it’s misinterpreted as her simply being a bitch, she goes into a rage because it’s one thing for her to want to reach out and deny herself that, but another for someone else to try to force their way in.

And all of this ties back into my main point, and why I think DT’s speech is particularly brilliant from a symbolic and psychological standpoint.

Actor vs Actor: Fight!

I’ve already established that Catra is somebody who is a performer and has been all her life in order to survive. That’s part of why Catra is such a tough nut to crack in terms of getting through to her: it’s hard to make accurate hits on someone who is putting on a persona. It’s damn near impossible to get a point through when you don’t have a clear idea of what you should be aiming at in the first place. So how do you beat a consummate actor?

You bring in a better performer.

Now, I do have my problems with DT’s speech: as others have pointed out, tossing Shadow Weaver and Hordak into the guilt trip is severely messed up and victim-blamey, though I do believe that has more to do with the fact that DT themself is not omniscient and therefore doesn’t have all the facts there (though given their sadistic streak, I’m also not sure they wouldn’t still cross that line even if they did know.)

But here’s what made that scene rock me to my fucking core: Catra almost pulled it off. Think about it: she has spent three seasons up until that point convincing her former friends, allies, boss and even the viewers–remember the post Portal moral panic–that she was this completely villainous monster. That she didn’t care, that she wasn’t worth saving, that everything she does is ultimately self-serving and terrible… Only for DT to see right through the disguise.

Adora couldn’t get through to Catra when she couldn’t even pinpoint the real problem. Scorpia couldn’t get through because by that point the defenses were fully up and Catra was going all in on her mask of villainy.

What finally got through? Being outclassed by a much better actor. By someone who is both a world class actor but also in touch enough with their own personality and wants that they don’t interfere with their own performance.

Because that’s the difference between DT and Catra: for Catra, acting the villain has been a matter of psychological survival up until that point. DT, meanwhile, acts for fun, work, and a certain level of sadistic pleasure. They have no moral dilemmas about what they do and thus they experience zero cognitive dissonance, whereas Catra may as well be the poster child. And it’s not too much of a stretch to think that once they figured out Catra’s deal, they probably found it quite amusing to completely demolish the act that had practically everyone else on the planet completely fooled.

That’s also part of the reason why Catra was so suicidal and lifeless after: the crutch she’d been using just to keep herself upright for four seasons just got yanked out from under her along with all chances of ever getting to double back down on that villainy again. Nowhere to go, and not even a mask to hide behind any more.

And honestly, I could keep talking on and on about just… The amazing amount of narrative complexity and precision and psychological depth that went into pulling this moment off. It’s amazing. But I’ve also spent like two and a half hours working on this post, so that’s that. If you read this far, get yourself a cookie or the snack of your choice. You earned it.

#spop #spop spoilers #catra #double trouble #spop meta #my meta #child abuse #and probably #ptsd #if we're being honest #abuse survival psychology

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outofangband · 4 years

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Complex Trauma and Food/Meals and Water

Complex trauma after torture and Angband world building masterlist

The Kitchens of Angband

I use Maedhros, Húrin, Morwen*, Gwindor and Celebrían for case studies!

*non captivity related trauma but significant all the same

I bolded the first word in Húrin’s section so if you’re here for that it’s easier to find! His section also includes far more canonical examples!

Torture, especially in the deliberate and political sense is designed to eradicate the victim’s sense of self by, among other things, stripping away one’s basic physical needs (food, water, hygiene, rest,) and one’s basic emotional needs (safety, comfort, belonging, privacy, hope, and identity). It also seeks to damage the relationship that the victim has with these needs.

A note about the food part: one of my favorite stories I wrote centered around this I’m linking it here but I am going to redo it soon.

Maedhros’s relationship with food is deeply damaged by Angband. Another post about disordered eating here

Long periods of starvation have a devastating effect on the body and the recovery process is slow and difficult.

Perhaps more damaging though is the psychological attitude towards food. Food isn’t a given in Angband. It’s a weapon of control, punishment, abuse and coercion that’s often withheld for information or sometimes entertainment. I talk about this in more detail on my post about the kitchens of Angband but force feeding and cruel games involving food are common

Theft of food or even suspicion of it is so harshly punished and prisoners are frequently interrogated at random over this as a deterrent

It’s also not uncommon for food to be held over someone’s head or used as a reward for a degrading or cruel task (and then sometimes even denied after)

Group punishments involving starvation are also common so prisoners who act out in certain ways are often stigmatized for being seen as denying their fellows food

Clean water too is a luxury in Angband. Well, sort of. There actually IS plenty of clean water in Angband with the access to underground streams sterilized through both Mairon’s techniques and the extreme heat. But ACCESS to clean water for more than a few beings within the confines of the fortress is heavily restricted. The slaves working in the mines and forges often rely on run off water for months at a time.

This causes Maedhros to view both food and fresh water as a luxury after his rescue. For awhile, he’s deeply suspicious when offered it, sometimes even reacting aggressively in his more fearful states.

He also hoards food and never truly convinces himself that it’s a given.

Mealtimes in Angband are a chaotic and messy affair and although Maedhros was often isolated from other prisoners, he still experienced the fear and uncertainty of communal meals there including in the form of feasts he’d be forced to attend as a center piece or entertainment, this and the rare meals he took with other elves was more than enough to instill anxiety around the idea.

Neurological and physical trauma as well as the loss of his hand meant that he also had to relearn to use utensils

I talk about it somewhat here in my expansion of these headcanons to the rest of Angband. The food itself and lack thereof, fighting among the thralls, the brutal and often public punishments for stealing a portion, it’s all very traumatic Then of course Maedhros has a whole new language around food that...isn’t the same as the expected manners a Noldor prince should show. There’s a lot he has to suppress in order to perform this again (for example how he was expected to show “gratitude”) There’s just so many layers.

Other relevant posts: x,

Now to move onto Húrin who we actually have a decent amount of information about, taken from The Wanderings of Húrin where it’s clearly at least in some ways the effects of starvation on his physical and mental health. We can also see how the social aspect of meals has been damaged for him.

The most notable scene is of course when Húrin is found by two men of Brethil, Avranc and Manthor. Manthor offers him food and Húrin accepts but is unable to eat it, instead choking on it and spitting it out.

This is viewed by Avranc as gravely rude and Avranc goes as far as to compare him to an orc for this, saying that Húrin had “brought his manners from Angband” and bringing it up when Húrin is on trial for another incident. Manthor takes a more sympathetic view of the matter, however.

“Yet as for despising our food: he took it from my hands and he did not spit upon it. He spat it forth for it choked him. Have you never, my masters, seen a man half starved who could not swallow food in haste though he needed it?” (288)

My series of posts on his time in Brethil goes into this topic a lot

(this chapter is great because for posts like this there’s so much just in the text, I barely have to even comment)

He is deeply mistrusting of food despite his great hunger (and unfortunately his mistrust here ends up being validated :/) and also physically unable to eat it at times

See my post on refeeding syndrome

And while we’re on the subject of the Edain, I just thought I’d give a brief mention to another character who likely has trauma regarding starvation although in different ways and that’s Morwen. We have to do much more speculation on this but given how the chief of the invaders had people violently beaten for attempting to give Morwen food while she remained in Hithlum, I’d say it was pretty bad.

Morwen also might suffer from anxiety around food insecurity after the period of extreme loss and poverty she endured as a child after Dagor Bragollach

I also do headcanon that she has related trauma because of her experiences in Brethil as a child. This is not canon but I don’t think it’s implausible (I talked about this here too)

Other survivors of captivity would likely also suffer from the consequences of living in an environment where food was so heavily restricted, controlled and weaponized.

I’d be happy to go into detail about any specific examples but Gwindor, Rog, and Celebrían come to mind.

Gwindor forces himself to become accustomed to the starvation suffered by those in the mines. He never regains his appetite

Celebrían for example develops very specific associations with food in general and more specific kinds. Food is associated with a survival she did not always want. Prevention of starvation was not the only method employed to prevent her from fading or taking her own life but being made to eat, at times with physical force or restraints, was one of the more overt methods. She also develops a lot of anxiety around not eating post rescue, feeling, though she knew it was irrational that those worried about her for not eating knew that she had wanted to fade in captivity something that she felt a lot of guilt and shame over

(As always Please feel free to ask questions! This is a favorite topic of mine)

#Maedhros #The Silmarillion #Húrin #the children of húrin #post Angband #musing and meta

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worldismyne · 4 years

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Analysis: Warrior's of Hope (Peds Psych 101)

SPOILER WARNING FOR DANGANRONPA ULTRA DESPAIR GIRLS

This post will look at the Warriors of Hope as a group. Now since we are talking about the Warriors of Hope, we will be discussing child abuse. So if at any time you feel things are getting to you or need to decompress after the essay, feel free to click this link.

What is a Paragon?

To start, we will be focusing on the paragon trope, defined by Overly Sarcastic Productions as a hero that is both righteous and charismatic; your "do no wrong" hero, if you will. They do what is right all the time because of their personal beliefs. Protected by a heavy coat of plot armor, they gather a small group of companions who learn through their example to be better heroes; and together they overcome evil and spread peace throughout the land. That’s the basic formula of a paragon hero, if you want or need a more in-depth explanation, I would strongly suggest watching OSP’s video.

In the first game, we follow Naegi, your textbook paragon hero up against Junko Enoshima, the queen of charisma. I feel it important to mention that Junko, while almost a paragon in the way she gathers her followers, is missing the key ingredient of knowing she’s doing is right, because she admits to the opposite. She’s doing the wrong thing on purpose to see what will happen and how far she can take it.

While in the second game you look at Hinata (our paragon hero) up against Komaeda; someone who believes wholeheartedly they are right, but lacks the charisma to rally allies in-universe. You can love Komaeda all you want, but no one during the game's central plotline seems to particularly like him or want to follow him. Which makes Junko and Komaeda foils of each other in a way, each consisting one half of the paragon trope.

So what does this have to do with Another Episode? Simple, the dynamic is flipped. The Warriors of Hope are each paragon’s in their own right, varying on the scale of righteous and charismatic. But what makes them villains is that what they believe to be right, is in fact horrendously wrong. Their righteousness and charisma become their greatest flaw when pointed at the wrong enemy. It showcases how this type of character can be equally dangerous on the “wrong side”. We see this especially in Nagisa, who has openly convinced himself the ends justify the means. A place where children can be safe is the top priority, nothing can stand in the way of this ideal, not even the lives of other humans.

Additionally the real heroes of this tale are two halves of the paragon hero, like Junko and Komaeda. We have Fukawa; hideously unliked by everyone around her but righteous to a fault, and Komaru; an ordinary girl who appeals to everyone, yet has no strong beliefs outside of her need to feel safe. We are reminded throughout the game over and over again that the reason Komaru was picked as the heroine was not because she wanted to help others, but because as an ordinary girl. And this isn't portrayed as a bad thing. When teamed together, Fukawa and Komaru formed a paragon duo strong enough to overcome the obstacles before them. The game flat out states they are meant to work together, in order to make up for each others shortcomings.

So it is here we see the typical dichotomy of Danganronpa flipped in Another Episode. In which two character types that were typically used for villains are up against a group of paragons set on a path of destruction. Bringing to question, if someone like Naegi were to be sent on the wrong path, could they be redeemed and change direction?

And the answer the game gave us… was no.

At both the end of the game, and the end of the anime we are left at a standstill where neither side will move. No outside force can change how a paragon thinks other than the paragon themself. Sure outside circumstances may kick-start introspection, but they can not change the way this type of character progresses by force. Not to say that change is impossible; but that journey would take more time then both the anime and game could allow, especially if we were to cover all five characters. But further discussion on the matter should be left on a character, by character basis.

Age and Developmental Stages (Time to Get Scientific)

As a BSN with a particular interest in pediatrics and psychology, a great deal of my analysis’ will refer back to my classes. Writing characters under the age of eighteen can be really difficult for writers, especially if they are not in constant contact with at least one individual from the age group they are trying to portray. Often times in media, we find child characters to be annoying, grating, and unrealistic; because on an instinctual level, we understand that's not how children that age typically act. You won't see an eight year old acting like a teenager, or six year olds throwing tantrums.

This is especially important, because children are not bound to the same rules as adults when it comes to understanding the world around them

According to Kotoko's mother, Kotoko was still 10 years old while she was alive. And while we can't determine when exactly her murder took place, we can say it happened shortly after the despair incident but before Junko was locked in the school. Since the children still refer to themselves as Super Elementary School Levels, they can be no older than 13 based on the Japanese school system making them range anywhere from 10-13. So what does this tell us about how they should think?

Erikson’s theory of child development indicates they are just now gaining their own sense of identity outside of the roles they had been assigned. There is pressure to look to the future and what they want to be when they grow up. If they don't see a place for themselves in society or dislike the role they've been forced into, they will be more likely to rebel and cave to peer pressure. We see this especially with Nagisa who struggles between his role as the new leader verses his previous role as the dutiful son. If they are on the younger side, their sense of self worth relies heavily on the praise of their peers and mentors, seeking approval of their accomplishments. They define themselves through peers and test values/belief systems against society.

Above all else is an inherent inability to understand abstract concepts, or ideas that extend beyond where they are and what they know. Simply put, they cannot understand why adults are bad or that someone may have an ulterior motive. They know that their parents were bad, so all adults must be bad. This idea is reaffirmed when their peers share the same conclusion.

Everything is black and white, good or bad, right or wrong. They are just beginning to understand that an idea, such as freedom, means something different to everyone. Until they fully comprehend this, they are unable to fully empathize with individuals that don't share their viewpoint. When it comes to things that are not physical like love, empathy, morality, justice; they simply can’t understand it the way adults do.

In their mind, their view is right because they are good, anyone who disagrees must be wrong and therefore bad. This is not a moral thing, it’s how they cognitively process the world.

This is in no way saying their actions were justified. Simply, that they were just beginning to understand that there are things outside of what we see/say/do. The idea that someone can be both good and bad, nice yet dishonest; was not something they knew before Monaka betrayed them.

Coping Mechanisms in Children

When it comes to abusive situations, a huge emphasis is placed on power and control. Children in these situations will do anything to seek the control they do not have. This can include laying low, people pleasing, hurting themselves or others, aiming for over-achievement or perfectionism. It's not entirely uncommon to see children using multiple coping mechanisms at once, jumping from one to another until they regain a sense of safety and stability.

In times of stress, children will exercise their ability to control their perception of what happened. This can include denying the effects of trauma (Masaru), detaching their emotions from what happened (Kotoko) and failure to see that something can be positive and negative at the same time.

Children may also try to change or justify their situation. They can try to rationalize, or explain why something bad happened to them, even if the explanation is not grounded in reality (Jataro). Or they may try to please/appease those who hurt them by seeking approval (Nagisa).

I cannot emphasize enough the importance power and control has over children in these situations. Power is safety, exercising that power is a reminder of that safety.

Building the Children's Paradise has less to do with recreating Lord of the Flies, and more to do with creating a place where they have control over everything in their environment (rules, peers, and who is allowed close to them). Anything that threatens their position of power is an immediate and personal threat to their own sense of safety. For example, the peers they consider friends are brainwashed into doing exactly what they say. The only adult allowed near them acts as a slave to be manipulated and mistreated.

The Influence of Role Models and the Importance of Subjective Information

We know very little about their parents from a omnipotent view. With the exception of one letter from each parent, all information comes from their victims. However, there is still much we can determine about them, in how the children themselves behave.

According to the "Identification" theory; a child's behavior patterns, beliefs, and values are greatly influenced by their parents. And not because it was something that was taught, but it was something they saw routinely growing up and adopted themselves. While this does not eliminate their ability to make their own choices, a great deal is to be said about learning through example. Self destructive behaviors like substance abuse, low self-esteem, and violent behaviors are often traits learned by watching their parents. We know in great detail about what the parents did to their children, but very little about what their parents did to themselves or peers.

Likewise, the kids have an opposite view of Junko which is equally as biased and inaccurate. According to the Warriors of Hope Junko is sweet, caring, and blameless. As someone who met one of their most neglected needs, she represented a sense of security and love they never had. But we all know Junko's true nature and how manipulative she can truly be. The children actively deny any accusation against her because she became, essentially, their surrogate parent. It's not clear how involved she was with them, but we are given a sense that at face value, she took care of them the way a big sister ought to. Once again, an example of this black and white thinking still held by the children, it also gives us insight on the validity of their information.

Questions like "Why does Junko want to destroy the world?", "Why is my dad an alcoholic" or "Where’s the rest of my family?" may not have occurred to the kids as important, and certainly were not included in the original narrative. With no intent to excuse the abusive behaviors, it's important to keep in mind we are given a very narrow and subjective view of their home lives that purposefully excludes any positive redeeming aspects. This is all by Junko's design; as a way to keep them in a traumatized, despair-induced state that would facilitate the killing of adults.

We know this, because several rules of the Children's Paradise Commandments expressly forbid remembering the past and emulating the behaviors exhibited by their parents (including Nagisa trying act as a competent leader). Any positive influences their parents (or any other adults) had are actively being repressed to perpetuate the massacre of Towa City.

Cultural Considerations

If you're reading this, there is a high probability that you live someplace other than Japan. Your views on everything are influenced by the culture you grew up in, and just because we can relate to other cultures, doesn't mean that we completely understand them and the issues their country faces on a daily basis. The best we can do is look at the window they provide us.

In Japan mental illness is a taboo topic to discuss publicly. It's seen as something to be ashamed of or suffer in dignified silence to protect the family's reputation. Equally taboo is the discussion of child abuse, with the Japanese government only starting to track of cases in 1990. 50% of all sexual abuse cases go unreported because of Japan's cultural stance on upholding strong moral values closes off the discussion, in a “it could never happen here” sort of way.

Foster homes in Tokyo are packed to capacity with kids that were taken from their abusive environments with nowhere to go. Not because people don't care, but because culturally, the discussion of abuse and having an adopted child are not embraced the same way as in other cultures.

In fact, both Kotoko and Nagisa point out that the surrounding adults wouldn't help them. It's not entirely unthinkable, given Japan's history, that they had tried to reach out for help; only to be let down by a system that was still adapting to discussing the topic. The revolution of reporting and advocating for children's rights is still a new and growing practice in Japan.

When Danganronpa Another Episode released in Japan, the number of child abuse cases were the highest ever, surpassing 70,000 reported cases for the first time and has been rising since they first started reporting cases. This isn't to say people were abusing their children more over the last few decades, but that people's stance on reporting abuse has drastically changed and continues to improve. Games like Another Episode not only champion the cause of child advocacys among newer generations, but spreads it to a wider audience, including people who will form and change the governmental and social aspects of Japan's culture in the future. Games like Another Episode provide an important platform to discuss societal issues that have for years been ignored because talking about them was 'uncomfortable.' To unironically quote G.I. Joe. "Knowing is half the battle."

Abuse in DR

The topic of child abuse is not a new one to the DR universe. In fact several characters share similar childhoods and have spoken quite openly about them.

(Masaru: Oowada, Kazuichi)

(Jataro/Monaka: Fukawa, Mikan)

(Kotoko: Sayaka, Hiyoko, Akane)

(Nagisa: Togami, Ishimaru)

What separates the Warriors of Hope from the other characters, is their age and proximity to these negative events growing up. We closer see the impact of what these things to do to their personality and worldview because they're still children. It's all the more heartbreaking because we understand, while dramatized, it is something very real and in some cases, relatable. Seeing their stories play out, makes us uncomfortable, because we know that there are children out there that experience similar pain and there is very little we can do about it at the very moment we are reminded these things exist.

However, it is important to acknowledge the things about society that upset us, as it is a crucial step in orchestrating change.

I'd like to end by highlighting charities and organizations working to fight child abuse in my own country. If you do not live in the United States I would highly recommend finding reputable charities in your area that are working to help, if you are interested in volunteering or donating to the cause.

Thank you so much for reading this crash course through child psychology and I look forward to seeing you in the next analysis.

http://www.ylc.org/

https://promisehouse.org/

https://lnfy.org/

#danganronpa #ultra despair girls #danganronpa another episode #danganronpa ultra despair girls #drae #long post #character analysis

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scripttorture · 4 years

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I have a character who torture another character with sleep depravation, electroshock, and brutal beating. Said torturer, knows the consequences about what all those things can have on the human body. They are doing it just for the sake of it( can torture be made just for the sake of it?). I hope that the torture doesnt come out as sophisticate just bc the torturer knows some stuff. They are a psychopath with a morbid interest in torture devices, so i guess its only natural to know some stuff

If the character is a ‘psychopath’ loner with a strong interest in torture devices then realistically they are very very unlikely to be in a position where (legally speaking) they can torture.

I’m not saying there are no abusive individuals who fit this description. But I feel like the legal definition of torture is important here because what you’re describing does not sound like a torturer.

For something to be torture, legally speaking, it must be:

Painful

Done by a government employee acting as part of their job (some countries also include international organised crime groups or armed groups controlling territory)

Have one of the following motives:

Punishing the victim or someone else

Terrorising the victim or someone else

Forcing a confession

Attempting to obtain information

So no, legally speaking torture can never be ‘just for the sake of it’. If it doesn’t have one of the above motives then it does not meet the definition.

The kind of person you are describing is the kind of person that government organisations even in regimes that openly torture actively screen out. They see these people as impossible to control and a liability.

The evidence we have strongly suggests that torturers are normal, healthy individuals before they start torturing. It is likely that their mental health problems are a result of torture rather then the other way round.

I also think it’s incredibly unlikely that a character who has an interest in torture devices would actually have a good working knowledge about what torture does to the body.

Yes I realise that I am saying that as someone who clearly has at least a passing interest in torture devices and knows what different tortures do to the body.

Here’s why I think it’s unlikely: the books that talk about historical torture and torture devices are uniformly written by people who have zero knowledge of medicine, psychology, and neurology. They often seem to have no grasp of statistics or the scientific method either.

I say this with some confidence because I have slogged through a lot of them. And while they seemed like convincing sources when I was 13 they now make me grit my teeth and despair of the state of science education globally.

These books are useful for collating historical sources and describing what different cultures did at different times. They are good sources of historical witness statements. They’re good for getting an idea of common vs uncommon torture practices and how practices changed with time.

Scott, bless him, can give you a decent account of what breaking on the wheel looked like. But I would not trust him to give a decent assessment of the ultimate cause of death any more then I’d trust him to perform heart surgery.

The people who write about the history of torture do not tend to read about the psychology, neuroscience or medicine relevant to the subject.

And this feeds into the prevalence of torture apologia. There is a massive lack of cross-disciplinary communication which hampers our ability to tackle apologia in a concerted way.

Unless your character is also interested in medicine and policing and psychology specific to trauma they are extremely unlikely to know anything near the full range of effects.

I get survivors who have access to expert help telling me they hadn’t realised some of the things they experienced were symptoms. And I have yet to meet or read a single historian who knew that beatings cause kidney failure.

It is not natural or normal for a character who is primarily interested in doing these things to know how they work.

This is not information you find by looking for how torture was performed. It’s not even information you find by looking for how survivors heal.

It’s information you wrench out in a hundred pieces over years of reading history, psychology, survivor accounts, medicine, scientific journals and the work of people actively trying to stop torture.

In other words; not the sort of thing a ‘lone wolf’ terrorist type character would think to look for or find.

If I’ve made it look as though coming by this knowledge is easy let me disabuse you of that notion. I can do this because I have spent decades building up this knowledge and because I read very widely. Much of my knowledge has not come directly from my obsession with torture but from reading widely enough to apply ideas from different disciplines to the topic.

Frankly I don’t think anyone looking up torture devices would find any accurate information about torture at all.

I also think that trying to give a character like this so much unusual knowledge is suggesting that torturers (or in this case abusers) are smarter, more ‘competent’ and controlled then they actually are.

People like this do not know the effects of what they’re doing. Half the time they don’t even know the basics beyond ‘this hurts my victim’ and ‘if I do it too long they’ll die’.

They often carry on to the point that disabling injury or death is likely.

This sort of character really misrepresents torturers by propping up the idea that they’re somehow specialists. It is buying in to and backing up the puffed up machismo torturers spout.

This isn’t close to a realistic torturer.

The research we have on torturers is currently lacking but if you want to engage with the subject here are some typical traits:

Development of common psychological symptoms as the character tortures others

Loss of prior skills

Strong connection to a group of torturers who become the character’s entire social circle

Unhealthy competitiveness which turns abuse into a competition

‘Hyper-masculinity’ which equates worth and manhood with violence (not necessarily a feature prior to becoming a torturer but appears constant in torturer-sub-groups across countries and cultures)

Reduced ability to relate to others, lack of insight into their crimes

Often a delusion that torture is effective, even when confronted with constant evidence that it is not

Constant, justifiable, fear that other torturers will turn on them

Arrogant delusions about their own worth and value

Mood swings

Self centred

These people do not look like intelligent lone wolf ‘psychopaths’. They look like anti-social, asshole trauma survivors with awful political opinions.

If you want to write a serial killer-type character there is not necessarily anything wrong with that.

But there are big differences in the way these people operate and the scale of violence to which they are exposed.

One of the torturers Sironi interviewed during her work was involved in the torture and murder of an estimated 13,000 people over a period of about two years. Those are not unusual figures.

Is that really what you’re trying to write? Because if it isn’t then you haven’t grasped the magnitude of what you suggest when you use the word ‘torture’.

If you want to write a torturer who isn’t typical there is not necessarily anything wrong with that.

But if you’re doing that you can not assume your audience knows what is actually typical, and the ways you choose to depart from reality are not necessarily neutral. Think about what the unusual elements you include imply.

And if any part of that implication is the idea that this particular torturer-character is somehow ‘better’, ‘smarter’ or ‘more capable’ then understand that you are supporting the kind of delusions of grandeur that real torturers use to justify their crimes.

Availableon Wordpress.

Disclaimer

#writing advice #tw torture #torture apologia #torturers behaviour #writing torturers #torturers are not omniscient #effect of torture on torturers #historical torture #fictional justifications for torture #deskilling #torture devices #sironi #in which I wail and gnash my teeth because those darned inconsiderate Vikings #didn't leave me a thorough statistical analysis of the effects of their raids over a 50 year period

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traceecalifornia · 4 years

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Reviewing Cult Classics

In Discussion: Little Shop Of Horrors

Little Shop of Horrors has always been one of those films that screams, “I made this movie in two days,” with its overly dramatic acting, cheesy set design, and seemingly outlandish plot.

At the time of its release back in December of 1986, the production saw poor numbers, pulling in a mere $39M at the box office after being allotted a $25M budget. It’s quite possible that the audience believed they were buying tickets to a funny star-studded film. However, Little Shop of Horrors is no ordinary musical comedy. The production tackles domestic violence, homelessness, greed, and begs to question how far one would go to achieve fame and wealth.

(GIF courtesy of MyLittleHorror.tumblr.com)

I don’t know about you but I stan any movie that can take on this many social awareness topics, while Tichina Arnold, Tisha Campbell and our good sis Michelle Weeks bop us into the next scene.

(Photo: Unrealitymag - GIF: Giphy)

On the surface, Little Shop is a movie about Audrey II, a human eating plant from outer space, an unlikely hero in the form of Seymour Krelborn, a helpless shell of a woman (Audrey), a sadistic dentist named Orin Scrivello, and a money hungry flower shop owner, Mr. Mushnik.

Seymour grew up a poor orphan who no one ever noticed, but is eventually taken in by Mr. Mushnik, and given a job at his flower shop in the Downtown Los Angeles district called Skid Row. His co-worker, Audrey, is a timid and flamboyantly dressed woman who secretly harbors a reciprocated crush on Seymour while in a relationship with heartless Dr. Scrivello.

One day, Krelborn buys an unusual plant from a nearby merchant and decides to nurture it in order to maintain his newfound popularity, but soon finds out that it requires more than plant food, water and sunshine. This strange organism feeds on human blood.

Naturally, Seymour feeds the evil boyfriend to the plant and allows it to eat his jerk of a boss right before destroying it and riding off into the sunset with his crush. Don’t get me wrong, that premise is wildly entertaining, but it’s not all there is to the story.

When we actually take the time to dive into the characters themselves, we find that Seymour has an unhealthy obsession with achieving a level of wealth and fame that will ensure no one ever overlooks him again. He is small in stature and often a victim of bullying by his boss and others alike until he is presented with a choice.

Feeding Audrey II means the lives of others matter less than his desire to be seen and wanted. Much like some of us who would do anything for a like on Instagram, justifying even the harshest of actions, Seymour began to believe that what he was doing wasn’t so bad. After all, the finely oiled machine needs blood and we have more than enough.

As we move on to the woman who inspired the name of the plant, Audrey, we are immediately introduced to the black eye she has received the night before from Dr. Scrivello, thus defining our character as a domestic abuse survivor. Throughout the film, she expresses that her loneliness is why she stays and allows this predator to act out his sick and twisted fantasies, although it often leaves her broken and bruised.

Unfortunately, it isn’t uncommon to come across people who choose to place themselves in toxic and embarrassing situations in the hopes that the person they are trying to impress sees them, or maybe even sends a friend request. The need to feel loved by others, as counterfeit as those feelings may be, is an all consuming emotion that walks a fine line.

If Audrey had known she was enough, or at the least, made the decision to slide into Seymour’s DM’s, she could have felt more in control of her life and went after the happiness she deserved. How many of us are chasing the wrong attention?

Little Shop of Horrors is shot on a set designed to resemble Downtown L.A.’s Skid Row, a sector in Los Angeles known for its overgrown homeless population. In fact, it houses one of the largest stable homeless populations in the entire U.S. On any given day, a drive down Skid Row will reveal entire families living in tents and freeway underpasses on the street. People of all backgrounds can be found settled in this location and setup in communities, while living everyday life without access to proper food, shelter, and medical care.

Little Shop sheds light on these devastating circumstances, and the endless grind others face just to make a meaningless existence during the film’s musical number, “Skid Row (Downtown)”.

If there’s one thing we’ve learned from taking a look back at Little Shop of Horrors it’s that the movie definitely brings so much more to the table than we thought.

Cult classics are appreciated by a smaller audience because they often represent an underrepresented group, and contain a message that may not be immediately recognized. Either way, we are thankful that these projects exist as they challenge our current way of life, expose the truth, and force us to take a good long look in the mirror and decide whether or not the beast we have become so accustomed to feeding is really ourselves.

Check out the official trailer for Little Shop Of Horrors below and join the conversation!

#little shop of horrors #little shop #cult classics #movies #reviewing cult classics #audrey 2 #broadway #Tracee California #classic cinema

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judgement-free-sideblog · 4 years

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Blood, tears and sea breeze.

Warnings: ANGST, mental health issues, graphic depictions of violence, blood, cursing, description of sexual assault, mentions of sex, substance abuse.

This is a very dark chapter, is not graphic, but it is really sad.

Summary: The not so peaceful town of Broadchurch face dead again, while Alec Hardy continues his journey to redemption will this school teacher be the key to solve the mystery or just another victim of the ever watching evilness that seems to reside in the town.

First Previous Next

Chapter 12: Green lights

The four adults walked inside in silence, and the paced sound of the metronome was the only noise they could hear for a moment, somehow it made the room feel darker, and cold, even when a shiny yellow sun could be guessed outside the window through the white curtains.

Hardy look away from the device, sitting right in the middle of the desk next to the Dr. Cecil Florence plaque, and a tea cup. In the middle of the office there was a comfortable couch, the one he already knew too well. It wasn't a loud sound, however he find it unnerving and was desperate to make it stop, thankfully he wouldn't have to sit next to it.

Miller sited on an empty chair, the one closer to the door, and gave an awkward smile to Doctor Florence as in "Don't read anything into this" although she was sure her stiff movements were already telling the doctor she didn't want to be there.

Alec lean against the window trying to look at the whole room at once, but he didn't rise his look too high, avoiding Cecil's curious gaze, then he noticed Y/N nervously rubbing her wrist, he remembered seeing her do it before, but somehow he hadn't pay enough attention to the fact before.

"Are you going to make me sing psalms too?" Y/N said with a smile pointing at the metronome.

"Beg your pardon?" Dr Florence said with a strained look.

"Sister Mary, she was an old noun that was in charge of the church long before Father Coats" Alec rise his look with some anger at the way she talked about Paul, and immediately reprimanded himself. "When I was little if you get in trouble she would put out one of those out and made you sing psalms to, I don't know scare the devil away or something".

"Only because the stupid cow was already too old to use the cane" Miller said laughing too. "I still have the scar on my thigh, all because I was late to sunday school" Hardy tried to hide the Oh that's what that red mark was realization out of his mind, but he was thankful that Ellie always knew how to lighten the mood in a room.

"Well, don't worry, is only to guide your train of thought" The doctor said and Y/N sat on the couch a bit more relaxed. "Before we started I want to ask you again if you are okay with the detectives being here, and with this procedure, I also must remind you that this could be emotionally draining, and that we might not always found actual memories"

"I know all that doc, it's okay, let's do it" she laid back on the couch after giving a secure wink to the woman and closed her eyes.

"Fine, then I must remind the detectives that you shall not interfere under any circumstances, in case she needs to stop I will make the procedure stop if I consider it necessary." they nodded and everything went silent again except for the device "You should focus on the sound, use it to guide your breathing, I won't tell you were to start, but I would want you to imagine yourself in a place that brings you comfort

Click... click... click

"I'm in my room, I'm getting ready to go out with Jonathan and Ash..."

"Why are you going out?" Her voice was soothing and Y/N breath was calmed, Miller thought she would fall asleep before she could say anything but then she began recalling the event like she was living it again.

Ashley had gotten a excellent week at the Deli, so she had invited me and Jonathan to celebrate, he was on a grumpy mood, not uncommon on the last few days, but he accept to come with us anyway, he even agreed to wear that ugly purple shirt her mother sent for his birthday. She was always talking about how I never let him dress like a City boy anymore.

We were only the three of us, Charlie didn't came because her mother had a cold and he had to take care of her, sometimes I wonder if he was not angry that Ashley moved out, maybe I will bring Mrs. Langford some soup tomorrow to make him company.

Ashley looked stunning, like she always did, I was never bold enough to wear that kind of short dresses, Jonathan even had to scare a couple guys away from her while they went to get us drinks.

"Only two shots" He said with that dad like look he always had for me to prevent me from doing anything fun... I guess I won't see that anymore

"You are doing great dear" The doctor said once tears star running down her cheek, "Focus on the club, were you in Broadchurch, what time it was? Do you remember the music?"

Some horrible techno music, something kids listen, most of the people around didn't look old enough to be out at 12:00, let alone drink.

The tequila was smooth, and after the second shot I stand up to dance with Ashley, but it was crowded, so I lost her after a while and went back to sit at the table, Jonathan was gone, and I ordered more shots, I don't remember two or maybe three. I started feeling dizzy, so I stand up to go to the bathroom maybe Jonathan was there, it have been long and he hasn't come back.

I saw Ashley kissing a handsome man she often do that when we were younger, that's why she left her house, their parents were too conservative, and she was fighting with Charles all the time because of it, I never actually mind that she do that, but I felt mad, because she had left me alone so I tried to walk out of the club

"Hey hey hey" a voice said behind me, it was a large man, he was wearing a bright red shirt, and he smelled like bourbon, and aftershave, he had nice eyes "Are you okay dear?" I tried to tell him I was fine and walk away but my feet were no longer responding and the green lights of the club were making my head hurt, I was not sure how was I so far from the crowd

"I can't breathe" I said and I tried to walk outside but his hand was on my wrist and he didn't let go

"Let's go outside, you need air" he said and then the cold air of the night strike me in the face, the moon was out, he was smoking, and I was trying to get some clarity, but everything was so confusing and my legs felt week...

"You smell so nice" he said with his hot breathing my neck and one of his hands on my chest, I tried to scream, to run maybe but then everything went red, I felt a stinging pain on my head, and how he lift me from the ground.

Hardy was tense angrily listening to her story, and definitely not wanting to keep listening, but he didn't interrupt her, and obviously the women in the room were not thrill to listen either, Y/N breathing was now fast and she was fully crying but she kept her eyes closed.

He took away my ring, and for a moment I was glad because I thought he was trying to rob me, but then I could hear him taking off his pants, I kept my eyes closed, I tried to scream to call Jonathan and Ashley, anyone... I thought I was going to die, I would have rather die... I thought of my parents... and I got enough strength to scream and I did, but then he hit me in the face again, and then, Please don't do that... Please stop! Stop!! Someone help me!!...

"Stop this" Ellie said loudly "Please doctor stop this"

"DS Miller, I have to ask you to remain impartial" she said with a quiet voice but she was also very affected by the story.

Hardy was not listening, by that moment Y/N voice were only screams, and she had now the same lost look she did at the Latimer's house. He approach her carefully, but she was desperately rubbing her wrist again and not letting the doctor come near her so she went to her desk to prepare something to tranquilize her.

"I lost it, my mom said I should always keep it on, and I lost it, she is going to be mad" she said with a voice that reminded him of Daze when she cut his ties in ribbons for her dolls, and he wondered if she was still not entirely awake.

"Y/N" he said desperate to act before the doctor would injected the medication, and this time he didn't hesitate and simply hold her tight against his chest "I'm here, you are at Doctor Florence's office ok?" Once she was calmed he make her look at him softly "I'm with you, you're safe" she looked thankful at him but didn't let go, and he could only hold her patting her head, trying to avoid Miller concerned look, and ignoring the fact that the unsettling feeling in his stomach was now satisfied because she was on his arms.

"I would expect that you would be following my advice from now on and not force this poor girl to more trauma in the future" the doctor said to him once Y/N exited the room to go to the restroom.

"I hope we could" Miller said defeated "But if that memory was true in any way now we have to look for a sex offender and a murderer"

"When she was waking up, she said... the way she talked..." Alec tried to elaborate

"It's an old wound, I was convinced she was over that by now, but apparently not" The doctor started. "When she was youger she was diagnosed with absence crisis, a special kind of epilepsy, and her parents made her use a bracelet in case she suffered a crisis at school or so, the idot that treat her before me had her under many medications because he couldn't determine her anxiety disorder, so I work with her to take her out of the meds, and eventually she was having a very normal life, she kept using the bracelet as comfort when she felt anxious, but she did not have crisis anymore"

"Until her parents die?" Miller asked remembering what she read in her archive.

"Precisely, they had a discussion, when she finished Uni she wanted to take a job across the sea in Paris or something like that, she gave her mother the bracelet and she went to stay with her friend Ashley on their own, and then her parents had the accident, she has always felt guilty, and since she didn't recover the bracelet she sometimes goes back to her childhood when they make her use it, is just a minor compulsion, not weird under this circumstances"

"She didn't find it?" Alec ask cautiously.

"No, apparently it was not at her parents house, I'm sorry is something else I can help you with?" She said and he change his expression immediately.

"It's fine, we will be in touch if we need anything else, we are very grateful for your help" Ellie said and the doctor went back to her office a d they walked out to wait for Y/N at the car.

"Someone is definitely liying" Miller said once they were inside and grey clouds start covering the sky. "That bracelet was on her the day the body was found" she said.

"I know, but not on any pictures from before that, so either our killer put it on her or she lied to the doctor, but that was, what 10 years ago? Is too long for something she simply forgot to tell her shrink about" a lightning illuminate the sky and the thunder following let him now that will be a rainy day. "I was hoping we'll get more from this, but now we have to listen her friend again, she didn't remember that night, only she was at home with the boyfriend angry about something."

"I can't imagine how did he found her, and she is in no way ready to answer that yet, we had to check out the club, maybe someone saw something, I hate this bloody case" She hit the wheel with her fist. "That poor girl, every time I'm more convinced she is the victim here, but it's all just confusing"

"Yeah, I mean maybe you should take today off, it was hard to hear what she said inside"

"I could say the same about you" He look at her surprised "Oh don't gave me that look, I was not going to comment on this, but you are getting too involved in this"

"Of course I'm not!" He tried to defend himself but she was not paying attention to him.

"Yes you are, and look I'm not going to say anything, but if you became partial on your judgment, for the case, and for your own good, I'm removing you from the case" she said and make a sign to Y/N to show her they were already in the car.

"I thought I was still your superior" He said quietly before she got inside.

"I'll talk to you boss then" she said with a smile, and he knew then that she was not joking, he rolled his eyes with anger because she was right, he would have done the same, and also he was concerned that maybe he was letting Y/N get under his skin making it impossible for him to remain impartial about her.

Tag list:

@allonsymexgirl @laciesaito @tf18unipups @dazedkrosupreme @timey-wimey-lovi

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giorgiastastes · 4 years

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Cidade De Deus (2002)

“Why return to the City of God, where God forgets about you?”

Let’s start from the title, which is certainly enigmatic. Calling city of God, a suburb that is the scenario of a reality abandoned by God is not a mistake, nor is the frequent recourse to religious faith seen as the only motivation, the last hope of these young men for a better life, that does not lead them in a coffin before the age of twenty. I am in favor of full religious freedom and belief, but I cannot fail to notice how, if faith can lead to extremism, bigotry and fanaticism, very often it is also the only light of those who have already touched the bottom or are about to do it.

Speaking of the plot, the film begins in medias res, in the Cidade de Deus, one of the most dangerous favelas in all of Brazil.

The initial scene, so frenetic and almost surreal, is part of the history of cinema, with the chicken running away through the alleys of the neighborhood, while at least twenty boys chase her, trying to catch her with guns and rifles, as if it were Pablo Escobar reincarnated.

The chicken finally ends up clashing with our narrator, aspiring photographer, now stuck between the street gang and the police.

Masterfully we see the camera rotating around this boy, over and over again soon becoming an hypnotic rhythm, while at the end of the last turn we find ourselves in another time space, in the 60s, accompanied by the phrase A PHOTO COULD HAVE CHANGED MY LIFE, BUT IN THE CITY OF GOD IF YOU ESCAPE YOU ARE DONE, AND IF YOU STAY YOU ARE DONE, IT HAS ALWAYS BEEN SO, SINCE I WAS A CHILD.

The protagonist, faced with such a difficult choice, returns to the past with his mind and begins to tell us about a naive gang of thieves in order to narrate with their story, also the reality of the favela, which, using the the film’s wording, is too far from the idea of a Rio’s postcard that the government wanted to portrait at the time.

After a series of episodes that I don't want to spoil, we will move on to the next decade. This initially will seem like a positive turn and then will turn out to be only a patination of the neighborhood, which in the end is even more socially structured and cruel than how it used to be.

Finally, let’s move to the strongest part of the film, the children. They are the ones who make the choices that will most mark them.

In the city of God you cannot live your childhood with carefree, you must immediately decide which side to stand on, and this childish decision, you will take to your grave.

Among the children there are those who immediately think of themselves as an outsider in that climate of crime and violence, but according to them, not because of a sense of morality,but simply because they’re afraid of getting a bullet.

Then we find those who were born for it, and even plan for new robberies, who feels strong and great showing off a gun often bigger than their head.

To say that the film offers us several times the philosophical doubt of WHO ARE GOOD ONE AND WHO’S THE BAD would be redundant and perhaps too direct even to be discussed, with the police who often behave worse than the bandits, and the only “non silent” citizen is the one acting the most violent crime, so I want to focus on other points.

Can you choose which side to fight for or are you facing a one-way street? And then, badness, evil and violence are innate or you learn them, you discover them with living?

Answering the first question, the most objective and direct of the two, there is certainly no doubt that in such ill-famed neighborhoods, it is the crime that pursues us and not the other way around. When you are so abandoned by institutions and authorities, often even with a lack of reference figures from which to take example, Crime is not a choice, simply because there are no choices, it is the only option, even if unjustly glorified.

About the second question, on the other hand, in my opinion, the evil is innate, but not because it is to be considered hereditary, more because but it is part of the human nature, of the animal part in each of us, which, unfortunately, is not held back by human intelligence, but brought to extreme sadism from this intellectual capacity which other animal species lack.

It is morality that then represses these instincts, but if we left the world to anarchy, only a few would stop, and as Plautus says, Homo homini lupus.

To better explain my thoughts, I must refer to another masterful work.

I'm talking about Dogville by the controversial but brilliant Lars Von Trier. I won't talk about this film, but just to summarize the idea, we are faced with a town where cruelty is so eradicated in the population that it is a same child who starts the cycle of violence and abuse. This episode perfectly reflects how human’s evilness is, in my opinion as much as that of the director, genetic, and that can also be seen in City of God.

The undisputed head of the city, Ze Pequeno, begins his rise to power at the age of eighteen, as soon as he realizes that he wants to become the absolute king of the favela.

But if we were to talk about his desire for blood, that was born much earlier, when he was still a child and, as the narrator tells us, "he wanted to act out his whim of killing" and then took advantage of the robbery at the motel to make a massacre.

Certainly the number of its victims grows with its age and so its desire for power but, however questionable this choice is, it was not homicide for futile reasons. In fact, he decides to exterminate all the main drug dealers in the area with the intention of becoming the only owner, when he begins to understand that it was necessary to switch to the drugs field.

What makes me reflects is that, although the character will always be easily triggered, and it is not uncommon for them to put a hole in someone’s head, the reason why he killed as a child was not even money, it was just an innate desire to kill, to take the life of another human being and watch him take his last breath.

His disturbing laugh proves it.

Even the punishment, albeit excessive, that will lead him to death, inflicted on children who had robbed a rotisserie, is still part of his plan to be the owner of a favelas that respects him because in good or bad it is he who protects the city.

And it is precisely in that scene that we see how the cycle begins again, when Ze Pequeno forces a child to kill another child, or when those same children make up any type of story just to receive a weapon or the same one who will then take control of the city at the end of the film, probably taking the man they killed as an example.

They are always the victims and executioners, as well as the heart of the story. Of course, in the seventies we see the protagonists grown up, but of adult men they only have the appearance.

Their character is still that of the decade before, as well as their choices and behaviors. One of them was marked by the sight of a camera as a child and this became his greatest passion as a teenager and then an adult. The same one, despite knowing who his brother's killer is, decides not to take revenge in order to respect the choices he made years before, that is, to abstain from evil.

I don't even need to dwell on the exceptional and impeccable shots because, although there are unforgettable scenes such as the death of Benny between the screams and the intermittent lights of the disco, each shot would have to be studied and likely more than that, the transitions between one and the other.

The plot remains a rhythmical crescendo, we never get bored and the story remains in evolution: we don't have a real incipit, a problem that upsets the balance, a resolution of the problem and then a conclusion, it is a story that it follows changes without actually being a real beginning and end, just like a cycle.

Another and final theme is the power of art, the only means of escape from such a difficult reality, but art itself can often be used improperly to advertise and almost glorify this underworld. In this case we are talking about photography, but it could be any type of art from poetry, cinema to music.

The film must be said that it has no clear defects, but if I could have put my own I would have made the symbol of the camera even more important, since mainly we see it in the very first scene and in the change of decade, and then obviously for the whole last half an hour, while I would have made each photograph part of a chapter of the story, which did not happen.

All in all, I went too far and if you still didn't get the message, run to discover this masterpiece of cinema.

#cidade de deus #city of god #City of god 2002 #Ze Pequeno #Fernando Meirelles #Kátia Lund

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lilith-lovett · 5 years

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Found Families - Home is Where the Hart is - Chapter Fifteen

I have returned! I’m so sorry this has taken me so long to update but I hope to continue with more regular updates though I am currently in my final year of high school and going through the process of applying to university which is honestly terrifying but I love writing this series and I want to see it through.This is a final chapter of the first act and I was planning on taking a break to wrote on some other things before starting act two but I think I have had a long enough break, with how long it took me to write this chapter, so I hope for the next chapter to be written and posted by the end of the October Holidays. I want to thank all of you who have stuck with this series and have continued to send me requests and ask questions about it, I love talking to you all and I hope you continue to enjoy it. Thank you!

Masterlist

Summary: Patton has an important question for Logan.

Word Count: 6779 (this is a monster chapter but I don’t even care :) )

Warnings:Child abuse, hospitals, disordered eating, description of injuries, past child abuse, implied child abuse, police mention, self-deprecation, kidnapping mention, implied depression, nightmare mention, panic attack, non-verbal. (If I have missed anything please let me know)

Logan had to stay in the hospital for three days following the incident which was rather boring, since Patton had to leave after the first night because of work and then he was left alone. Doctor Hastings, accompanied by a nurse came in every hour or so to monitor his vitals, administer more pain-killers and bring himself something to eat which he promptly ate half of before discarding the rest when they left. He had his clothes returned to him and with them the fidget cube Virgil had gifted him, which he had hidden away in the pocket of his trousers and was glad to have it given back to him. It acted as a pleasant distraction until he drifted off to sleep again.

Logan continued on like this. He would sleep, eat, participate in brief conversations with doctors and nurses who visited his room and wait for Patton to return. Which he did, a few times over the next couple of days, Logan was stuck in his hospital bed. Patton would come and sit by his bedside for an hour or two and he would talk. He would talk about everything and anything, his job, a funny conversation he had, a cute cat he saw on the street and wanted to pet but he couldn’t because he hadn’t taken his allergy medication. And Logan would listen, far to exhausted to add much to the conversation but Patton seemed to understand and didn’t force him to talk, claiming ‘he could talk enough for the both of them’. When Maggie eventually visited, he discovered she hadn’t quit but had confronted Madame Claire regarding the bruises she had seen on Logan’s wrists and in return Madame Claire had fired her and lied to Logan. She hadn’t left him.

“The Police arrived just after you and Patton left for the hospital, they arrested Madame Claire. They arrested her Logan. She’s gone and she won’t be able to hurt you or anyone else ever again,” Maggie said holding a pile of Police reports and papers in her hands.

“There were others?” Logan asked. Perhaps it was rather naive to assume he was the only one Madame Claire targeted, as the Orphanage was full of potential victims.

“Unfortunately yes, none as severely but the majority of the children had experience some sort of physical abuse by her hand at some point,” Maggie explained. That made sense, it wasn’t uncommon to see bruises on arms and everyone possessed a shared fear of Madame Claire.

“I see,” Logan replied. “What happens now?.

“Well, the Police agreed it would be too difficult to transfer all of you. So, we are working to relinquish the ownership of the Orphanage…to me,” Maggie exclaimed with a wide smile, lighting up her entire face.

“You, you will be the head of the Orphanage?” Logan questioned almost disbelieving her story.

“Yup and I promise you Logan, I won’t let anything like this ever happen to you or anyone else ever again,” Maggie said resting a hand on Logan’s thigh, a top the thin hospital blanket keeping him warm.

“I thought…I thought you left me,” Logan admitted internally cursing himself when his voice broke and his eyes stung with unshed tears.

“Oh Logan, I will never leave you. Circumstances may change and we may be apart but I promise you I will never leave you,” Maggie assured taking Logan’s hands into her own, squeezing them tightly which Logan returned. Maggie had been a constant in Logan’s life for many years and now he couldn’t imagine living life without her, their debates about books, her stream of advice, her teaching him to play card games and him desperately attempting to figure out a strategy to beat her. “Now, I have a surprise for you,”.

“TADA!” Maggie exclaimed pulling out a book from her bag. His book to be exact, ‘The Murder of Rodger Ackroyd’, which he had already read a total of three times already but every time he looked upon it’s pages he was reminded of his day out with Patton. Scouring the entire book-store, listening to his passion-fuelled rambling about space, building a shy bond of trust between each other. Logan wanted to go back to that day, repeat it over and over again, never returning to his present self. He felt hallow, empty. His relationship with Patton had changed. Cracked by Madame Claire’s attempt to tarnish Logan’s trust in him, in order to have greater control…just like his parents.

It was Logan’s fault too. If he wasn’t so weak, so fuelled by emotions. Perhaps he could have prevented all of this. He had caused Patton and his family so much trouble and pain. Maybe it would have been better if he hadn’t met Patton at all. Patton could have met another child, a child much less difficult and troublesome, a child Patton could love unconditional and without consequences. A child not like Logan. Too aloof, too robotic, simultaneously too much and not enough. Not worthy of love, to be loved. He didn’t deserve it.

Detective Hastings or Simon as he insisted Logan call him, also visited, giving him updates in regards to the case, asking follow-up questions about his experiences or to simply check up on him. Simon was an interesting person, with an interesting career. He shared stories of his cases, most sounding like the plots of his favourites crime and mystery novels, including the time he got kidnapped which sounded more dramatic then it actually was. Doctor Hastings or Dane sometimes joined in on these discussions when he wasn’t busy with other patients, softly giggling behind his hand or rolling his eyes at an over-exaggeration on Simon’s part. It was nice. It added some variety to what would have otherwise been an awfully boring experience but he had to go back.

On the third and final day of Logan’s hospital stay, before Maggie came to collect him, Dane visited him a last time inform him of the treatment plan he would be following which consisted of plenty rest and relaxation and basic pain-killers when necessary. He was given two wrists braces to wear for the first week - which bothered him as it made writing increasingly difficult - and his ankle fracture wasn’t severe enough to require any mobility aids and it would heal over time if he remained off of it for a short while. As for the rest of his injuries, none were as serious so did not need the same amount of care as only rest and time would allow them to repair themselves. The same information was again repeated to Maggie for her knowledge, when she arrived the retrieve him from the hospital a short while later.

“Don’t worry Doctor, this one won’t be allowed out of bed. Certainly not with me around,” Maggie said gaining a collective chuckles from both doctor and nurses as Logan rolled his eyes though he did not doubt her claim, speaking from personal experience.

“I don’t doubt it for a second Miss Blair,” Dane replied with a warm grin “Well I guess this is goodbye Logan, the team and I are sure going to miss having you around. But that does not mean you go jumping out any more windows young man,”.

“Of course, I shall not act so recklessly again,” Logan said as he collected together his minimal belongings, missing completely the shared look of sadness and concern of the medical team.

Logan settled himself into the wheelchair - as he had yet to walk distances longer than that of the length of his hospital room - and allowed himself to be wheeled out of the room, where he had spent the past three days, by a nurse as he waved to Dane and the team of nurses and Maggie walked by his side, talking animatedly about the plan for the following days but Logan was only part-way listening. He glanced around his surroundings, doctors and nurses pacing the corridors, long-terms patients talking between each other, the general hustle and bustle of the hospital filled his senses. Logan noticed Maggie had gone quiet, ceasing in her enthusiastic explanation, instead picking at the skin surrounding her nail - which were painted a bright red - a clear sign of anxiety but when Maggie caught his curious gaze she merely smile. Not her usual brilliant, bright smile, not quite reaching her eyes but immediately looked away again, continuing in her discussion with one of the nurses.

The drive back to the Orphanage was quiet, neither speaking, the silence filled with soft music emitted from the radio with Maggie’s soft humming the background and in that moment, Logan felt content, all of his previous anxieties vanishing as he used the pleasant tune to ground himself. He closed his eyes, allowing his fingertips to wander, caressing the smooth cover of his book. He had no idea what to expect from returning to the Orphanage, the place where he had been tormented for so long. Would the other children finally leave him alone? Treat him with the kindness he had been told he was starved of? Or even despite Madame Claire’s arrest and permanent removal from their lives will he still be subjected to their daily taunts? He once again banished those thoughts as they continued their drive back to the Orphanage and in no time at all they had returned.

Maggie assisted Logan out of the car, hands gentle around his shoulders and pressed against the small of his back, careful not aggravate his slowly healing bruises. He allowed her to help him despite his cheeks burning with embarrassment, knowing he would not get far without it, she carried the majority of his weight, guiding him through the courtyard and into the foyer. Behind the front desk was not Mrs Davis but another matron Logan couldn’t recall the name of, Maggie had informed him that all of the matrons had been questioned and Mrs Davis had been one of the few who had been charged along with Madame Claire for her involvement. He passed each of his fellow orphans, gone were their expressions of disgust and scorn, replaced with…sympathy…gratitude. Logan wasn’t sure, perhaps it was the shared trauma or thanks for taking the brunt of the abuse so they did not have to endure it. It was understandable.

The overwhelming exhaustion Dr Hastings had warned him of, was beginning to set in with the minimal movement from the car to the ground floor, already dreading the stairs he would inevitably to climb in order to reach his bed which he had been ordered to remain for the first few days of his recovery. Maggie must have been able to sense Logan’s mounting fatigue as she paused just before the staircase, manoeuvred herself around Logan and proceeded to lift and carry him up the stairs with frightening ease despite the squirms of protest.

“Don’t you even dare argue with me Logan,” Maggie said in a mock series tone as she tightened her grip on Logan slowing moving up the stairs towards his room.

Logan rolled his eyes but allowed Maggie to continue, knowing he wouldn’t have made it far on his own and he was begrudgingly grateful for her unprompted assistance. One flight, two flights, three flights of stairs before they reached the boys dormitory where Logan’s bed and belongings remained untouched, just as he had left them. Maggie set him down on the edge of his bed, arranged the sheets and pillows for him as he lay down, preparing to open his book before Maggie plucked it from his fingers, instead setting it on his bedside table.

“No reading tonight for you mister, I can tell you are exhausted and don’t even try to deny it, you need to rest Logan,” Maggie said sitting on the edge of Logan’s bed adjusting the covers, bringing them up to rest beneath Logan’s chin.

“I am aware and I shall, for as long as necessary,” Logan replied unconsciously pulling with covers tighter around himself for warmth, he had been feeling rather cold these days.

“Good, I think after a few days of rest you will be as good as new,” Maggie said brushing a stray lock of hair out of Logan’s face. “Patton will also be excited to see you again,”.

Patton. Yes. Patton had visited him the day before his discharge to inform him when he would next be visiting him at the orphanage, would he be returning. Patton had thought it best to allow Logan a few days to recover before and resettle before scheduling another session. At the time, Logan had agreed, the idea was sensible enough. Patton had already spent days by his bedside throughout his short stay in the hospital, he wouldn’t want to subject Patton to any more. But why did the thought of returning to the routine of his and Patton sessions unsettle him so?

“Okay, I will let you sleep, if you need anything just call for me,” Maggie said squeezing Logan’s hand once before leaving him alone with a dangerous swirl of thoughts in his head.

Patton had done so much for him. Logan had brought him into this…mess. His mess. Patton didn’t deserve anything of this. Sweet, kind, considerate Patton who deserved a child who wasn’t broken like Logan was, unable of proper affection or care, unworthy of love. This would end in heartbreak. Madame Claire’s words flooded his mind, she may have been gone but her presence was everywhere, still torturing him.

Why would Patton want someone like you?

You deserve to be alone.

You have already made things difficult for him.

You should leave before you ruin everything.

Because that is what you do, you ruin things.

You are bad, bad, bad.

Bad.

Logan did not sleep.

This pattern of thinking continued for several days, images of the impending doom plaguing Logan’s dreams and nightmares but they would always end the same. He would be alone. Trapped. Crying, screaming, calling out for someone to come and save him but nobody came. With each passing day, the day of his and Patton’s session quickly approaching and the feeling of dread sunk further into his abdomen, the incessant churning of his stomach hadn’t ceased since he returned to the orphanage and Madame Claire’s overwhelming presence hadn’t left his bedside. Constantly providing a stream of negativity into his brain, her voice reverberating against his skull whenever he rested his thoughts for a mere moments, infiltrating and staining them black with self-doubt and hatred.

It was three in the morning, along after Logan would have fallen asleep, in order to maintain a healthy sleep schedule but he could not sleep. Patton would be arriving in a matter of hours. What would he say? Logan had been in such a state for the past few times he visited. What if everything which happened at the hospital was a façade? What if he sided with Madame Claire and approved of her treatment of him? No. Patton would never do such a thing…but Logan had caused so much trouble, not only for Patton but his entire family. Consistently tearing Patton away from his job, his responsibilities, his children, to feed his own desires. What if Patton changed his mind about continuing to meet with him? Deciding after all, he was too difficult, too problematic, too broken to truly be cared for. Undeserving of love. Logan would spends the rest of his teen years trapped within these four walls. Alone. Trapped until he was ultimately tossed out onto the streets to fend for himself. Alone. He would always be…alone.

Logan’s eyes stung with tears he refused to shed as he turned over onto his side, ignoring the unbearable sting with the unwelcome movement, pressing his face deeper into his pillow in attempt to smother the circling thoughts so too allowing him a mere hour of dreamless sleep. But he would not be so fortunate.

Logan did not sleep that night.

Patton could not sleep. The excitement at the prospect of finally seeing Logan again - after nearly a week - brought about a wave of delightful sensations to incredible to ignore or dampen with attempting to sleep, though the result was not so pleasant, but nothing an extra special breakfast wouldn’t fix. He sat at the breakfast table, bouncing his thigh as he took a sip of apple juice and a large bite of his blueberry pancakes, awaiting for the arrival of his children. He hadn’t seen Logan since his stay in the hospital and he had been using Logan’s recovery time to formulate his plan. Today was the day, he finally going to officially adopt Logan. Well ask him but he was attempting to remain optimistic.

Patton had spent the last few days finalising all of the proper documents, in preparation for the big day when he would hopefully be bringing Logan home. Logan would be his son, he could hardly believe it, though he did have to agree to it first which is where Patton’s fantasy ended and reality set in. What if he didn’t agree? Patton could always continue to meet with him until a more suitable time but he did know how much more waiting he could handle with everything that had happened, now was the opportune moment to ask. He ate quickly, cleaning even quicker before setting the table in preparation for Roman and Dee’s scheduled arrival at 8:32 on the dot, followed rather begrudgingly by Virgil who would presumably be awoken by Roman’s early morning singing.

“Good morning, Padre!” Roman exclaimed as he bound down the staircase, already dressed in his all white outfit and red slash draped across his chest, Dee clinging onto to his neck still rubbing sleep out of his eyes and releasing a large yawn.

“Morning Kiddos, it is my extra special Pattoncakes on the menu for today,” Patton said watching as both boys eyes lit up as they rushed to the table and tucked into their breakfast, while Patton waited for Virgil to emerge. Which did not take long.

“Why are you all so loud” Virgil grumbled still dressed in his Nightmare before Christmas themed pyjamas - his favourite movie - as he brushed his unruly bed-head out of his eyes.

“Because Surly-Temple, it is the beginning of a new day, full of excitement and new possibilities. Some of us actually enjoy life unlike you,” Roman quipped polishing off the remainder of his pancakes.

“Now, now, boys. This is no time for bickering, I have some exciting news for you all,” Patton announced to his children, drawing their attention immediately. “I plan to ask Logan to become apart of our family,”.

The kitchen fell silent. Patton told his children little of the incident despite their incessant begging for the full story. They something bad happened and Logan ended up in the hospital, his pain and tears were near impossible to hide particularly from Virgil who had asked on several occasions to accompany him to one of his visits to the hospital. A very non-Virgil request but he was forced to refuse, fearing for Virgil’s fragile mental state, surrounded by such familiar memories of his past mirrored in Logan’s experiences. Patton had spoken very little about Logan to his children, despite in answer to their questions regarding his well-being, allowing both them and himself time to process and to make his final decision.

“Do you think he will say yes?” Roman asked a hint of hesitation present in his voice.

“I don’t know kiddo, he has been through a lot recently,” Patton wondered aloud. What if he was moving to fast? Jumping in too quickly? Without care for Logan thoughts and feelings on the matter.

Patton spiralling thoughts were immediately interrupted by a weight on his side, he shook himself out of his negative head space to see Virgil pressed into his side, forehead rested against his chest, humming vibrating throughout his ribcage, reminding his to breathe. In and out. In and out. Until the uncomfortable weight lifted, replaced by the sensation of Virgil’s warmth enveloping him.

“It will be okay, dad,” Virgil murmured hiding his flushed complexion in Patton’s chest to which he nearly squealed in response of, throwing his arms around his dark strange son squeezing him tightly.

“Aw Virge, you are so sweet. Of course it will be,” Patton exclaimed pressing multiple kisses into Virgil’s bed-head and onto the apples of his cheeks despite his groans in protest.

“Hey, hey, get off!” Virgil said escaping from Patton’s tentacle like grip, crossing his arms over his chest with a pout.

“Hey, where is my dad hug?” Roman asked standing with a mock annoyance which Dee mimicked.

“Aw, I have enough dad hugs for everyone,” Patton said pulling Roman in for a bone-crushing hug, swaying back and forth as Roman giggled, laughter ringing in Patton’s ears. Followed by Dee who nearly knocked Patton off of his feet. “Are you sure, you are still okay with me doing this?”.

“Yes, padre,” Roman said with an exasperated tone, dramatically rolling his eyes.

“I know Princey said this before but go and bring the nerd home,” Virgil said was a small smile, finally tucking into his pancake stack.

“I love you all so much,” Patton exclaimed pressing a kiss on each of his boys cheeks, each receiving a drastically different reaction and now his previously dour mood had instantly been lifted and the prospect of seeing Logan today and posing the million dollar question didn’t seem so terrifying with the support of his wonderful family behind him.

Emile arrived a short while later, close to the time of Patton’s departure, bringing his own words of wisdom and encouragement. Providing hugs which enveloped him in warmth, comforting him in a way only a brother could, they were as a close as brothers. His calming presence provided him another layer of support as he made the final preparations, going over his folders repeatedly, making sure he had all of the correct forms and documents, rehearsing his practised speech until he would recite it perfectly from memory and then just like that it was time to leave for the orphanage.

Where Logan would be waiting for him.

“Logan, please come out. I need to know you are safe, please,” Maggie pleaded to the locked door of the bathroom which Logan had locked himself inside, in a fit of panic and was refusing to come out despite her begging.

Logan wasn’t as okay as he seemed. Maggie knew that but hoped the highly anticipated return of Patton would bring him out of his slump and brighten his spirits though it seemed to do the opposite. Logan had been confined to his room for the past few days while he recovered and whenever she could, she brought him new reading materials, textbooks at his request and even sat with him for hours on end just talking about whatever came to mind. He seemed okay then but this morning when Maggie entered Logan’s room it was clear he hadn’t been sleeping. He looked exhausted. His face was pale apart from the deep purple bruises staining her under-eyes, all life had drained from his expression but as she voiced her concerns he brushed her off claiming he was fine and not to worry and Maggie had been stupid enough to believe him.

Maggie helped him out of bed, his injuries were healing well and he could walk short distances almost unaided now but the lack of proper rest had clearly taken its toll. She gave him space to change before leading him to the communal bathroom, leaving him to ready himself while she worked. That was a mistake. When she returned Logan had locked himself in the bathroom, in a blind panic as a method of protection, she could hear his choked breaths from through the door.

“Please, let me help you, Logan,” Maggie begged her heart clenching as the pitiful half-sobs reached her ears. Logan was trapped in there, terrified, unable to breathe, pressing his trembling figure to the door in an effort to keep everyone who seek to hurt him out and himself safe.

“No, you can’t, no one can” Logan cried though it came out laboured and uneven, spoken throughout short intakes of oxygen into his struggling lungs.

“Let’s just talk okay, you can do that for me, can you?” Maggie said pressing a hand on the door to steady herself. “I’ll talk if you can’t right now and I want you to listen and breathe for me,”.

“Logan you are a incredible, intelligent, selfless boy who did not in anyway deserve what happened to you. You deserve so much more than I or any parent or guardian could ever give you because you are worth so much Logan. I know you don’t see it and I know you are trapped in a really dark place right now but I promise you, you will someday seen your own worth and someone will love you heart and soul and never hurt you again. You just need to open your heart up to let it in. It will be difficult and there will be dark times but you need to fight, you need to fight against all of those negative thoughts in your head and break free because then you will heal,” Maggie said fighting to keep the tears at bay for Logan’s sake but she lost the battle and a few fell from her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. “You are not unlovable, you are worthy of all of the love in the world,”.

Once Maggie had said her piece, she sat back on her knees and waited, the corridor fell silent and for a moment she believed Logan would not come out and prepared to speak again until the lock clicked and a red eyed Logan revealed himself from behind the door, joining her in the position on the floor though unable still to meet her eyes but it was enough.

“Thank you Logan,” Maggie whispered loud enough for Logan to hear closing the distance between them but keeping her hands to herself, knowing Logan’s feelings about physical touch especially as highly stressful experience or emotional outburst like today. He had described it as boiling water scalding his skin right down to his bones and she did not wish to contribute any more to his discomfort. “ Do you know what triggered it?”.

Logan flinched, shaking his head rapidly before drawing his hand to his lips, then letting them fall and rest on his throat, pressing a little to hard on the skin there. Ah, he couldn’t speak. It wasn’t unheard of for Logan to lose his ability to speak after an outburst, it was one of his most hated symptoms though it was rare, occurring more frequently during his first few months at the Orphanage as a ten year old who had been thrown into a new environment. It appeared Logan was going through a similar experience now.

“That is okay,” Maggie repeated until Logan’s shaking settled and his taut muscles began to relax somewhat but his voice still hadn’t return and may not for a little while. She choose her next words carefully. “Patton should be arriving soon, you don’t have to see him if you don’t want to, I can ask him to reschedule a better day,”.

Logan shook his head violently, brow furrowed and the corner of his lips turned downwards. Maggie smiled, maybe it would take seeing Patton again to light of mood and return the beautiful sparkle to his eyes. It was then the little bell sounded indicating someone’s arrival - Patton’s most likely - and the fear returned to Logan’s expression.

“Everything will be alright, I promise. Why don’t you finish getting ready and wait in the meeting room, I have some things I need to discuss with Patton first, okay?” Maggie said rising to her feet, followed by Logan who nodded, turning to return to the bathroom as Maggie sighed and ventured down the the foyer where Patton was waiting.

“Hello, Patton,” Maggie exclaimed as Patton startled but smiled as soon as he saw her despite still fidgeting with the baby blue folder he clutched between his fingers.

“Hello, Maggie, golly it seems so long since I last saw you kiddo,” Patton said not expanding any further, both knowing what meeting they were referring to.

“Yes it has been, now you told me some rather exciting news over the phone, you are really doing this?” Maggie asked a little hesitant, she had always been protective over Logan but recent events it had increased drastically.

“I am or at least I want to, yes, I want to adopt Logan,” Patton announced with a grin, glancing down at the folder in his hands. “ I have wanted to ever since I met him but after everything that happened and seeing him in the hospital really put everything into perspective and it is the right time,”.

Maggie couldn’t help but smile, immediately pulling Patton in for a hug despite being considerable smaller than him, it felt necessary but as he pulled away she recalled Logan and the incident this morning.

“That is wonderful but I do need to inform you that an incident occurred this morning before you arrived and Logan became extremely distressed which triggered a panic attack,” Maggie explained watching as Patton winced and tried to process the information. “I managed to calm him down and he did agree to meet with you but I need to warn you Logan has become non-verbal and may remain this way for a while yet,”.

“Oh…um...d-do you think I should wait, with asking him and everything?” Patton asked hanging his head, attempting to hide the visible tremble in his voice and hands.

“I think that is up to you to decide but I think you are a wonderful father and Logan will be very happy with you, whatever your decision may be,” Maggie said with a comforting smile as she took the folder from Patton. “Now don’t keep him waiting,”.

Patton beamed at Maggie and practically sprinted down the corridor towards the meeting room as Maggie giggled, glancing down at the folder in her hands and he knew Logan would be okay.

Logan paced the length the of the room repeatedly, tapping out a rhythmic pattern out of his thighs as he walked, soundlessly grumbled beneath his breath. His voice hadn’t returned despite having had composed himself since his embarrassing outburst this morning and it was only a short while until Patton’s scheduled arrival. How to Patton interpret his lack of speech? Would he berate him? Would he simply turn away and walk out never to return again? No. Logan refused to believe the lies his brain fabricated, Patton was a good person. Selfless and consistently kind to Logan even when he was undeserving of such kindness and had support Logan through his recent…hardships. This meeting would be no different than any of their previous sessions or he hoped it would be.

Logan heart rate was still raised as he continued to tap and pace and pace and tap, until the pain in his ankle became almost unbearable and he was forced to rest to prevent further damage to the slow healing injury. He hadn’t brought his book, having left it beneath his pillow for safe-keeping and blindly picked one from the surrounding shelves, in order to keep his hands busy while he waited. Tracing his fingertips along the worn cover and broken spine, focusing on his slow breathing in an effort to ignore the pain but keeping his gaze firmly fixated on the door. Patton arrived a short while later dressed in his usual but uniquely Patton outfit with a blinding grin stretched across his face and Logan almost leapt to his feet or would have if not for his injuries, feeling a similar smile form on his own lips.

“Hiya kiddo,” Patton exclaimed approaching the reading nook but he did not fall into the beanbag chair as he normally did but knelt down in front of Logan’s armchair, a position typically reserved for their more serious discussions, which unnerved him. “Maggie told me the situation and don’t worry or force yourself to talk but I do have something I want to talk to you about,”.

Logan’s mind was sent racing, jumping in hyper-drive as it often did, in order to come up with all the possible explanations for Patton’s serious demeanour and topic of conversation he wished to broach but the darker side also contributed. What if Patton had decided against conversing with him any further? Decided he wasn’t worth all of the trouble Logan had put him through? Planned to leave him here? Alone.

“I know things recently have been difficult and seeing you in that hospital bed has forced to to think things through and realise some important decisions must be made…” Logan did not hear the rest, his voice materialised in his throat.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry. I understand if you do not wish to see or visit me any further and I do not fault you for your decision, I am surprised you entertained me for this long and I am eternally grateful for the time you spent conversing with me. Though I am also glad you have finally come to your senses and have decided to chose another child a lot less problematic than I. I sincerely apologise to me behaviour towards you and the pain I have caused both you and you family, you deserve a child who you will be able to love completely and not someone like me who is undeserving of your affection though I am thankful for the pleasure of knowing you Mr Hart,” Logan rambled on, scarcely pausing to take a single breath, spewing all of the thoughts which he had been drowning in since first meeting Patton the day of his twelfth birthday.

Patton’s expression changed from one of curiosity to another of grave concern, his bright blue eyes growing watery as Logan spoke, he reached out to touch him but Logan flinched back unable to feel the slightest of Patton’s gentle touches without breaking down and tipping him over the edge. It took all of the will-power Logan possessed not to beg for forgiveness, to apologise over and over again for the trauma he had put Patton through, to plead for a second chance though he was undeserving of one and to ask for Patton not to leave him alone.

For he couldn’t bare to be alone again.

Patton’s heart hurt at the sight of Logan’s pitiful ramblings, of apologises he did not need to give, of thanks Patton did not deserve and worse of all the permission to leave him. To abandon the relationship they built in order to choose an easier child but Patton didn’t want another child, he wanted Logan. The child he had witnessed grow, from the apathetic boy he had met during the open day to the brilliant boy who told him incredible facts about space, and love to read and love to share his great wealth of knowledge. Logan believed Patton was going to leave him because he was flawed.

“No Logan, that isn’t what I want at all,” Patton said shaking his head as he watched Logan expression shift, confusion coating his features.

“B-but…I am too c-callous…too robotic…I don’t deserve your attention. There are…s-several other children who are…” Logan stuttered and stumbled over his words, his breaths coming out in short pants, words becoming stuck in his throat.

“I don’t want another child, I want you!” Patton exclaimed fighting back tears. “I want to adopt you Logan,”. His voice softening again. Logan was silent, the look of utter shock on his face was almost unbearable to watch. His mouth opened, forming shapes but no words came out, his voice had been locked away within the throat and chest.

“You are not a robot, you are not cold and you most certainly aren’t unlovable. I love you so much and I want you to become a member of my family,” Patton said completely discarded the speech he had rehearsed for something straight from the…Hart.

A couple minutes had passed a Logan still hadn’t made a sound, he merely stood shell-shocked, as if in disbelief that anyone would ever adopt him. His eyes remained fixated on Patton’s chest, unable to meet his eyes but he was powerless to prevent the tears which fell from his eyes and rolled down his cheeks.

“Logan, what is wrong?” Patton asked immediately concerned, fearful he had said something to upset Logan or that his tears meant he did not want to go with Patton.

Logan continued to weep silently, drawing his arms up to wrap tightly around his ribs while he rocked himself back and forth, eyes filled with tears. The sight tore at Patton’s fragile heart, he never ever wanted to see Logan cry again, so he made a potentially stupid decision. He reached out, pulling Logan out of his armchair and into his chest, wrapping his arms securely around Logan’s tiny frame. Logan froze in his arms for a moment and Patton feared he may have made a mistake until Logan gripped onto his shirt as if it were his only lifeline and buried his face into Patton shoulder, sobbing openly now as Patton consoled him, rubbing gentle circles into his spine. They remained like that for several minutes until Logan’s cries quietened and he muttered something unintelligible into Patton’s cardigan.

“What was that, kiddo?” Patton asked halting in his movements.

“Yes,” Logan whispered loud enough for Patton to hear. Yes. He had said yes. Logan had said yes. He was finally going to adopt Logan.

“Happy tears then, I guess kiddo,” Patton giggled through in his own tears and only hugged Logan…his son tighter and made a promise to never, ever let him go.

Patton’s famILY would finally be complete.

Notes: I love Maggie so much, I never expected for her to become such as big part of the story-line or one of my favourite characters to write but it is going to be so sad when she isn’t as prominent in the story during act 2 and 3, she will still be in there but more as a background character and it makes me so said.

Also did any one catch the shadowhunters line I put in there, if you did you are now my new best friend.

Tag list: @poems-art-darkness-n-more @i-do-not-dislike-fudge @alex-cain @darkrainbow333 @amber1594 @falseh0od @lovingcreatorstrawberry @mason-does-a-thing @callboxkat @tacohippy56900 @anxiousangel121 @comicsimpson @harrypotternerdprincess @cobythinks @whatschooldoesntteachyou @fandomkitty8 @coloursintheblur @read-write-inspire-repeat @clinicalawesomeness @deceit-sanders-deserved-better @scared-ghosthunter

If you would liked to be added to the tag list, have a question about the series or it’s characters or you simply want to say hi, please do not hesitate to send me or ask or message.

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awkwxrdally · 4 years

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Let’s start with what’s on my mind today. It’s currently 3:49 am as I’m writing this and I’ve been crying. I’ve had a mental breakdown which isn’t uncommon especially when you have “mild depression” or so my doctor believes. I’ve read enough on psychology to know I have some type of mental illness. But I can’t afford therapy and my parents don’t believe in doctors or mental illness. We can start with how this downward spiral started. I was online streaming gta with my beat friend and I mentioned my birthday now ofc I knew there was a huge possibility she wouldn’t be here for it like usual because she was moving in September but the way she said it kinda pissed me off.

She mentioned her leaving on my birthday like it was something I should know. She’s been doing that a lot lately. Every since she’s gotten married really. She mentions things she claims to have told me but never mentioned and acts like I’m supposed to know as if I can read her mind. So she brought it up and I noticed right away she wouldn’t have told me had I not mentioned my birthday. I wasn’t mad she would be leaving. I was mad that she claimed it was just a birthday. Like yes turning 19 might not be an accomplishment to most people but by now she should know we aren’t most people. We both have depression and honestly making it to next week is an accomplishment. No matter how long it’s been since I’ve thought of ending my life ( 8 years ) I’m always happy to make it out of an episode ( mental breakdown ) without the thought. That’s a lot of hard work for me. So yes my birthday no matter how important is important to me. I’ve never been happy on my birthday. Not with my outfit or my hair , not with my looks of any sort. My plans always fall through. And it’s starting to bug me that when I want someone to be there for me they never can but I’m expected to be there no matter what.

I struggle with my body image and I struggle with getting out of bed most days. But my birthday is the one day of every year where I know I’m gonna lay in bed and cry. Where I know not a single person will notice or care. And I just hoped that for one year I could not feel that way. But maybe that year isn’t this year. I might just forget the day all together. Why not everyone else does. I know nobodies gonna read this so I’ll talk about what else made me cry tonight.

I was thinking about what’s been going on in my life lately. I graduated high school last year and was supposed to go to college. I ended up not going for reasons I don’t really know. My mom was putting all these ideas in my head playing victim as per usual and it worked mostly. So I stayed home, no matter how much I wanted to go as she told everyone it was my idea. And then three months later I find out she hid my fincial aid information for my dream school. And well I started to see through her bullshit. I’m not the laughing stock of my family they all talk about me behind my back. It’s crazy that a bunch of criminals, scam artist, teen moms with no jobs talk shit about me. Not a single one of them has finished high school some of them didn’t even get passed junior high. But me the high school graduate is the laughing stock because nobody believes the child only the parent.

I hate that I know they speak about me and I can’t do anything about it. My moms allowed to speak about me in front of my face and if I so much as speak or respond to anything that has to do with me I’m disrespectful. I’m 18 I know that’s not very old but I should be treated with some type of respect. And trust me there’s a lot to my mom and mines relationship then just this.

Let’s start shall we. Growing up I remember my mom coming home in the morning drunk and I remember waking up to her gone. I remember trying to show her my stories or dolls he’ll even drawings and not being able to get her to give them more then a glance over. My grandmother and grandfather always made the time though. As I got older and my grandparents died my mom told me things about them she should’ve took to the grave and I will never forgive her for it. She told me about my grandfather hating me the first few months of my life, how he couldn’t hold me because I was Dominican ( he’s not racist). My grandmother had cheated on him with a Dominican man. But I remember my grandfather loving me and holding when no one else would. But my mom couldn’t have that she tried to ruin his image for me and then she went on about my grandmother and her. How she was a horrible mom etc. That’s a long story that I don’t wanna write about because no matter what my mom told me, my grandmother had already told me. She would tell everything from her addictions to her cheating, even her disappearing for months because she hated those things about herself. My mom hates that I view them as my parents and I tell anyone who will listen that my mom didn’t raise me. Because at the end of the day my parents are dead. My grandmother helped me learn to read and rocked me to sleep at night. My grandfather taught me to be strong and helped with my school projects. My grandmother played dolls with me and held me when I tried to kill myself. Those are my parents.

But they died and left me at 13 in the hands of this stranger. My mom a stranger to me, she didn’t know anything about me and I her. She didn’t try either she and my father tried to continue where they left off. With a three year old daughter. I was 13 I had a personality I had opinions I had political views. And guess what I told my mom I was an atheist and got told I was going to hell and was too young to understand. I told my dad I wanted to be a cop and was told I needed to cook and clean. My grandfather raised a strong independent girl, my grandmother told me if I didn’t like cooking I didn’t have to do it. And here I was stuck with these people who were trying to change who I was.

My mom went on to having me raise her two sons while she “worked”. I spent my life stuck between half asleep and exhausted with bags under my eyed by 14. I had greys that young because raising kids is hard. And I was still expected to be a straight A student. That didn’t last however. And I don’t regret dropping out my sophomore year I needed to rest. I can back my junior hear and got good grades and finally graduated a year later. But I was so exhausted I still am honestly. And my mom tells everyone I’m jealous of how she raises her kids like I wasn’t there when they were sick and I didn’t take days off of school because she had better things to do. No I’m not jealous I’m pissed I got the bar hopping mom who could care less about me and always reminded me of what her life could’ve been like. The woman who told me she was sold for drugs to my father (which is bullshit) and said I was nothing more then an abortion decision made too late. But tells her sons how much she loves them. Who made sure her sons had extra help in school with reading etc. But me the girl who couldn’t read till middle school was left to fend for herself. I’m not jealous I’m pissed because they get a bitter mom with anger issues and I got the abusive one. The one who called me names and made me cry on my way to school. The one who made me want to slit my wrists at age five. The one who grabbed me by the neck at age 7 and held me why I fought to get down. The one who beat me with a metal cane till it broke. All because someone didn’t like what I said. No my brothers don’t get that. They get whatever they wants as long as they cry enough. I was ignored and still am. My mom didn’t know about the perv who kissed me when I was 7 or the two kids who wanted to rape me when I was 13. Because she didn’t noticed me she didn’t ask she didn’t care. She still doesn’t no matter how much she tries to convince herself she does. I almost feel bad for her because she can only tell me she’s proud of me and loves me when she’s drunk and at this point I don’t wanna hear it again. Next time I might tell you about her kicking me out all these years.

#Depression #rant tag #rantings #im so fucking angry #depressed #venting #my rants #new blog

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jaredhollyheiditruth · 5 years

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Heidi’s Deeper Problems...

Before going any further, I want to emphasize one very critical thing: Please do not harass Heidi over these texts or anything stated on this blog. I am reporting an update because it is relevant to the reason this blog exists, not because I want to tear Heidi down. Regardless of what you think of her, she is not well and does not need any more harassment on what should have remained a private matter from the very beginning.

Heidi posted yet another album of texts, this time between her and someone she claims was her “best friend.”

The album is located here: https://imgur.com/gallery/MMHljz5

These start off on January 23rd, 2019. She begins the conversation by stating that she was questioning Jared about Holly Conrad.

This seems to coincide with Holly’s account of Heidi demanding that Jared cease any and all contact with Holly, an act that would not only have been impossible given their working relationship, but unfair considering their friendship. We also know from Jared and Holly themselves that they had already begun a romantic relationship at this stage, as despite Heidi’s denial, Jared rightfully considered his relationship with Heidi over. His reaction towards Heidi’s demands appears to be little more than appeasement, which isn’t uncommon in abuse victims, which the evidence is really starting to suggest he is.

What’s even more chilling, and also very telling, is that Heidi admits to having to medicate herself in order to control her anger and rage.

She then explains that despite this, he was overwhelmed and crying, so she left the “bowed out.” This is a recurring theme for her to leave the room when he becomes overwhelmed by her line of questioning.

We see it again here.

Again, she admits that their conversations would leave him in tears, and that once she’d reduced him to tears, she would leave and go somewhere else to relax.

Another conversation with the best friend...

Heidi refers to Jared’s emotional shutdowns and crying as “crying tantrums.”

Heidi then describes how she’s planning a special Valentine’s dinner for the two of them, and it’s actually one of the few genuinely heartwarming things on this blog. The only one, possibly. She describes making a reservation at his favorite restaurant and buying him flowers, which is a pretty generic but still romantic way to spend Valentine’s Day. She also, once again, acknowledges that Jared is very sensitive.

The next text to this friend comes a few days later. The timestamp is missing, however from context we can determine that this is most likely Valentine’s Day. It sounds like they had a good time.

Except then, on the 15th, we get this:

There’s a lot of missing information here. It’s not clear whether or not they went to dinner together, but while Heidi says she was “left alone” all day it sounds like she still went to the restaurant. Was this alone, or is she saying “alone” in the metaphorical sense that Jared was distant? She also again admits to taking medication to control herself.

She also laments that he’s not being physically intimate with her.

It should be noted that this text took place on the 15th, the day after Valentine’s day (the timestamp is higher up, visible on the full album above.)

This series of texts closes out by stating that she’d begun making a list of Jared’s “abusive behaviors” to address in therapy, and that Jared texted her saying he needs to stay away from her for a bit.

I’m still very confused as to what Heidi hopes to accomplish by releasing these text messages. She surely must be delusional if she doesn’t realize that these messages paint her as the abuser, and Jared as the victim.

It’s terrifying, and I genuinely hope she gets the help she needs.

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kimminstudying · 5 years

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Case Study - 001

Warning: GRAPHIC CONTENT

Note: I chose to do this one first because for my Forensic Science class we had to investigate a case of our choice, write and report, and do a powerpoint for it and this was basically my final project for the class. Enjoy!

The span of these crimes was from 1983-1985 and the victims were lured to a bunker in the woods through ads that were posted of stolen goods. If the respondents were male, they were beaten, robbed from, and then shot often within a day of their capture. Female respondents were tied up, tortured, forced into submission, then raped. They would be shot and killed after their “services were no longer needed.” Families or couples that were brought to the bunker had the same outcomes.

Charles Ng (pronounced as ing) was born Christmas Eve of 1960 in Hong Kong. Ng was a compulsive Kleptomaniac as a child and he was sent to several boarding schools in both China and London. He was granted a student visa in 1978 to study in the U.S and his parents hoped a new life in another country would set their son straight. Briefly attending the College of Notre Dame, Ng dropped out after one semester to join the Marines.

To do so, Ng lied about his birthplace in order to keep his criminal record a secret. He was caught stealing guns, explosives, and other weaponry before being sentenced to 18 months in Leavenworth prison after his dishonorable discharge from the U.S Marines.

Leonard Lake was born on October 29, 1945, in San Francisco. His parents separated when he was six years old, leaving him and his siblings in the care of his grandparents.

Growing up, Lake was described as very cunning but sinister as he would collect mice and other small animals to dissolve them in acidic chemicals. He developed a pornography addiction during this time and Lake would force his sisters into taking sexual photos of themselves or performing sexual acts in exchange for protection from their abusive brother Dom. This incestual behavior was encouraged by Lake’s grandmother.

Lake attended the University of San Jose State but also dropped out after a single semester. He also joined the Marines in 1965 when he was 19 years old and served two tours as a radar operator during Vietnam. He received a medical diagnosis of Schizoid Personality Disorder, an uncommon condition in which people avoid social activities and consistently shy away from interaction with others and also have a limited range of emotional expression, which caused him to be medically discharged in 1971.

After his diagnosis, he received psychotherapy treatments and joined a hippie commune afterward. At the commune, Lake was directing and starring in adult films that involved bondage and/or sadomasochism. He met his first wife at the commune but the marriage didn’t last long when she discovered Lake’s film industry and after he kept insisting that she star in said films.

Lake was remarried to Claralyn “Cricket” Balazs in 1981 after Lake was imprisoned in 1980 for car theft, she was the “woman of his dreams” as she willingly complied to his sexual interests. It is suspected that Cricket had some knowledge of her husband’s behavior and that she assisted in the luring of Ng and Lake’s victims.

She once admitted in a police interview that Lake would often bring in children or various ages and genders and that she wondered what it would feel like to do stuff to them.

The bunker in the woods where the crimes took place also belonged to Balazs.

Lake had believed a nuclear holocaust was near and needed sex slaves to repopulate the earth. When he met Ng he passed this plan on to the susceptible, younger male. As chronicled in a series of video diaries, Ng and Lake are caught on tape raping, beating, and killing their victims along with their own personal monologues.

There was also a typed journal with a list of Lake’s Rules for his behavior and treatment to his victims. They had more of a mentor-mentee relationship; Ng was the Sheep and Lake was the Shepard. Ng had always had such ideas but he was too shy of a man to commit to his urges by himself.

The Victims (Confirmed):

Harvey Dubs

Deborah Dubs

Sean Dubs (infant)

Lonnie Bond Sr. (Lake’s Neighbor)

Brenda O’Connor (Bond’s Wife)

Lonnie Bond Jr. (infant)

Clifford Peranteau

Jeffrey Gerald

Michael Carroll

Kathleen Allen (boyfriend was Ng’s cellmate)

Robin Scott Stapley

Both men are suspected of being responsible for the disappearances of up to 25 people. The women were kept in the bunker for at least a few days or up to a week before they were shot and killed after they were tortured and raped repeatedly while their family watched and then got shot right in front of her eyes. The men were used for financial gain, although they and the children were not the main priority of Ng and Lake. Men and children were killed within the same day as their abduction.

Lake’s Possible Victim’s

Charles Gunnar: Military friend of Lake’s. Lake’s best man in both of his weddings. Went missing during ‘83-’85 and Lake was using Gunnar’s ID at one point in time. His remains were discovered at the ranch in September of 1992.

Donald “Dom” Lake: Leonard Lake’s younger brother. The one he used as a threat during his childhood in order to get sexual favors from his sisters in exchange for protection. Vanished in 1983 and was presumed dead. His remains were also found on the ranch in September 1992.

Paul Cosner: Police found out that the real Robin Stapley was missing for several weeks at the time of Lake’s arrest and that Lake’s car belonged to Paul Cosner, 39, who had also been missing for eight months in November 1984. 2001: a San Francisco judge found Ng and Lake responsible for the murder of Paul Cosner, a missing auto trader who was presumed dead.

Donald Giulietti: The FBI estimates their kidnapping and killing spree started within a month of their reunion. In July 1984, Donald Giuletti, a San Francisco disc jockey, and his roommate, Richard Carrazza, were shot by an Asian man who broke into their apartment and robbed them.

Giulietti died in the attack but Carrazza survived and would later identify Charles Ng as his attacker. The pistol used in the attack was found at the Wilseyville site.

Lake and Ng got caught when they went to the store to buy a new vise on June 2, 1985. The store owner was immediately suspicious since Lake used Stapely’s ID; Stapely was 26 but Lake looked far from it. Ng couldn’t control his instincts and tried to steal from the store only to have the owner catch Ng in the act. The police were called but Ng fled from the scene, leaving Lake behind to go into hiding.

Lake stayed behind in an attempt to pay for the goods in order to elude arrest. In his car, police found a .22 revolver with an illegally equipped silencer, which is why they were allowed to arrest him at that moment. Since Ng was nowhere to be found, police investigated the bunker.

Police discovered the bodies of 11 people and 45 pounds of unidentifiable bones, caches of weapons and explosives, personals from the victims such as clothes and forms of ID, and the videotape diaries.

Ng escaped to Canada but got caught shoplifting at another store. Only this time, he panicked and drew a gun, which led to one of the officers getting shot in the hand. He was charged with robbery, attempted robbery, possession of a firearm, and attempted murder in Canada; Ng did his time there for the crimes committed there before being turned over to American authorities.

In questioning, Lake told the police about Ng, where the bunker was located and gave a hint about what their master plan was. He asked the officer for a cup of water and a pen with paper. While the officer went to fetch the water, Lake wrote his suicide note. He used the water to swallow two cyanide pills that he had sewn into his coat collar. Police thought Lake was going to put his confession in writing when he asked them for pen and paper so they happily complied.

Lake was rushed to the hospital and fell into a coma, survived on life support for four days before he died on June 6, 1985.

The trial was overly complicated because of Ng’s lie about his nationality and the fact that Ng would often fire lawyers, change the location of the trial, and attempt to defend himself in order to buy himself time and hopefully avoid a trial. Eventually, he faced trial for the first time in 1991.

The final trial took place in 1999 and it lasted for eight months. The jury deliberated for about two weeks until Ng was found guilty for the murder of six men, three women, and two baby boys. He was sentenced to death after he and Lake were caught and was sent to San Quentin. While no sentencing date is set, Ng is appealing his conviction to this day.

Side Notes:

Ng’s Military Cellmate said in a television interview that Ng professed to hating some ethnic groups and homosexuals so much that he killed a gay man by burning him alive.

“The Collector” by John Fowles is a novel about a lonely young man who works as a clerk in a city hall and collects butterflies in his spare time.

The man becomes obsessed with a female art student and instead of coming up to her he watches her from a distance because it appears that he is socially underdeveloped.

He then kidnaps the woman after moving into an isolated lodge and adds her to his collection of preserved beauties. He promises not to hurt her, only to shower her with his spoils.

He is convinced that she would learn to love him over time, but she becomes ill and dies.

Lake is said to have been obsessed with this novel.

Kenneth Ng, Charles Ng’s father, blames himself for his son’s role in the killing spree on the physical abuse he did to his son during his childhood.

He testified in court that during that time, there was almost no line between discipline and child abuse. He meant to bring up his son in a narrow and straight path, which sometimes meant tethering him and whipping him with a stick.

"I tried to bring him up right. Unfortunately, I used the wrong way. I thought this was normal. But now I know how wrong I am."

Mr. Ng wanted his son to be sentenced to life in prison instead of to death, “I do hope I still have him in jail, instead of dead," he said.

Relatives of the victims said they were not swayed by the testimony, but expressed sympathy for Kenneth Ng.

It was reported that Ng held his head down for the testimony and cried silently as his father spoke.

~brianna

#criminals #crime / law / justice #ng #lake #charles ng #leonard lake #murder #crime #case study #forensic #forensics #forensic psychology

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divainity-a3 · 4 years

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topic: reggie + family ( relationships & dynamic ) spoiler tw: archie afterlife, reggie & me, archie comics (2015) GENERAL TW: ABUSE, ABUSE MENTION, MENTAL ILLNESS !

abstract: it’s no secret that reggie’s parents play an absent role, both in reggie’s life & overall in most of the original, campy archie comics. we see lots of mr. & mrs. andrews, we never get enough of the coopers & the lodges, and we get glimpses of gladys & jellybean jones, but never really the mantles ——— why is that ? what do we even know about ricky and vicky mantle, his alleged parents, if anything at all ? and what little do we get from the comics and wikipedia to give us clues ? in this essay i will be going through the things that i know and accept as canon for my reggie’s relationship with ricky and vicky mantle and why reggie having a brother according to wikipedia makes absolutely no sense !

SECTION I. THE MANTLE FAMILY TREE

i. the mantles are an upper - middle class family. more upper than middle, given how reggie spends his allowance, & ranking - wise, i headcanon the mantles to be the second richest family in riverdale right below the lodges. since the dawning of the original archie comics in the 50s, we’ve known richard and victoria mantle as ricky and vicky mantle, the well-off parents of their son, reginald victor mantle.

ricky canonically owns riverdale’s most popular newspaper the riverdale gazette and while vicky’s profession isn’t specified, i assume she either works in the secretarial portion of the paper along with the mantles’ other enterprises. y’know, the way heteronormative rich couples do. while the paper’s popularity generates a significant amount of revenue for the mantles, it isn’t their main source of income— investments & other business deals are. using their hard earned (not) inheritance and what they’ve made from paper circulation and subscriptions, they turn it into more profit by investing it in the right places. fiscally, the family is very well-off and happy. in every other department ? debatable.

ii. the mantles are more or less, absent parents. and always have been. for starters, as i said it earlier: we don’t ever see them in the damn comics. even in cw’sriverdale— ricky and vicky are nowhere to be found. even according to reggie’s wikipedia, we don’t know all too much about his mother and father aside from their professions but the archie reboot comics offer a different perspective that i choose to adopt.

exhibit a. reggie and me (2015) / issue #2 context: reggie coming home distressed after having accidentally pushed archie into a pond. betty went off at him, he ran home crying to an empty house. his dog, vader, is narrating, recalling how reggie describes it as one of the worst days of his life.

exhibit b. reggie and me (2015) / issue #4 context: reggie attemptng to make an effort with his dad only to be rejected immediately.

exhibit c. archie (2015) / issue #6 context: reggie’s coming back home from a failed attempt at persuading hiram lodge to let him into his inner circle.

exhibit d. afterlife with archie (2015) / issue #9 context: in a dystopian take on archie comics, reggie is reflecting on his entire life existentially while confessing his sins to kevin keller, someone he’s come to trust.

conclusions drawn:

coming home to an empty house wasn’t and still isn’t uncommon for reggie. across the multiple comics i reference, the narrative seems to be the same. his parents consistently don’t show up for him. are constantly working, and more importantly never home. and even when they are home, they pay no mind to their only son, seen in how reggie attempts to get his fathers attention after seeing archie and his dad play ball. i can also assume that reggie had to raise/take care of himself, given that there’s no maid to be seen in any of the scenes where the ricky and vicky aren’t there. while the mantles clearly make sure he doesn’t starve, they don’t exactly do… anything else. as we see when reggie comes home crying, no one’s there to hold him. no one’s there to tell him he’s okay and that he’s valid. so he has to tell himself. and as he gets older and more self-sufficient, his parents start giving even less of a fuck about him being on his own. furthermore, reggie also has to teach himself what is right and wrong as a result, having little to no guidance from the people who are supposed to fulfill that role. obviously, we know how that works out.

ricky and vicky missed out on a lot of reggie’s milestones. being out on business trips all the time leads me to believe that the mantles missed out on a lot of reggie’s overall life and more importantly accomplishments (even if he doesn’t have a lot of them). to name a few things, i headcanon the mantles to have missed his middle school graduation, his first football game, multiple recitals through the years, and the day reggie got deemed captain of the football team, something he actually considers one of his bigger achievements in life. i also headcanon that reggie had to teach himself how to drive, shave, ask a girl out and all the other cheesy, heteronormative stuff rich families instill. the mantles sure do come back to reap the benefits though, happy to use reggie for bragging rights.

reggie blamed himself a lot for his parents not being around and developed deep-seeded insecurities about it growing up.i think it’s reasonable to think that a child as young as he was used to believe that something was wrong with him with his parents never seeming to want to be around him. that shit hurt him and that is where reggie’s need to constantly be around people and have companionship comes from—— it’s an underlying desire to be wanted for once. but he’d never tell that to anyone.

reggie acting out started out as an attempt to get attention from his parents. the only time parents will really be forced to pay attention to their children is when they have to answer for them. so it’s reasonable, i think, to assume that a lot of his bad behavior started out at least as a way to get his parents to give him the time of day. i don’t think the same applies to reggie in the present day, but nonetheless, —————old habits die hard. more on that, later.

SECTION II. THE MANTLE LEGACY

i. reggie is, and always will be, an only child. according to reggie’s wikipedia, he also allegedly has a younger brother named oliver mantle that made a brief appearance once in a single issue like 40 years ago. in my canon, i’m choosing to ignore this for two reasons: a.because it literally just doesn’t make any sense for reggie to have any siblings. ricky and vicky can barely take care of reggie, god forbid they abuse and neglect another child. the idea is nice and it would mean that reggie would have someone to confide in, but alas i don’t think the mantles would be so … kind.

and b. because there’s absolutely no significant information and/or canon attached to thisalleged oliver mantle and so i have to conclude that he was just thrown in at some point during the original archie run because the writers realized they didn’t develop reggie’s family background in any aspect.

ii. however, reggie does have two cousins. the writers do this on multiple occasions to all the characters, throwing in relatives here and there and they actually did give reggie two cousins which i actually do accept in my canon. their names are regina(first cousin) and may (third removed cousin), both of which are from vicky’s side of the family. reggie doesn’t care for may all that much but regina is someone he actually can get along with as they share the same kind of humor.

other than that reggie’s the only mantle heir, putting immense pressure on him to marry rich and carry on the family name———— but that’s a different meta for another time.

SECTION III. PHYSICAL AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE & NEGLECT

ii. reggie himself is a victim physical and emotional abuse, mainly from his father, in addition to overall parental neglect. now don’t get it twisted, i’m not saying ms. vicky had absolutely nothing to do with reggie’s childhood trauma, but ricky certainly had the more prominent role as an instigator and we get proof of that on several occasions. i headcanon that vicky never laid a finger on reggie and truly does love him deep down, but her passiveness & allowing the abuse to happen has made reggie view her just as antagonistically as he does ricky ( and for good reason ). she’s a bystander and nothing more, a spineless bitch that never intervened, only spoiled him in hopes it would make up for his emotional scars. she pretends she’s not as bad, reggie thinks and knows otherwise.

exhibit a: afterlife with archie (2015) / issue #9 context: in a dystopian take on archie comics, reggie is reflecting on his entire life existentially while confessing his sins to kevin keller, someone he’s come to trust. the first page of the issue is titled ARCHIE & REGGIE, all about comparing the two and their different persona’s but more importantly, their different upbringings.

conclusions drawn:

while the sentiment of this side-by-side is aimed to highlight the fact that reggie is a spoiled kid that likes to act out, what stands out more so to me is what looks like intense pressure to perform from ricky. while i did say earlier that reggie’s parents have a very absent role in his life, obviously there are public appearances to keep up. the mantles can’t come across as unsupportive an absent, they need to put on an image. while you’d think this is a good thing that would force the mantles to show up more, my concern here comes from the reason for the fight being over the fact that reggie’s team, not just reggie, not winning a baseball game. despite never being there to emotionally support reggie, to me it seems like ricky expects perfection. i believe the pressure might be more so for athletic performance than academic, given that reggie’s wikidoes specifically cite reggie’s natural-born athletic excellence. i think it’s also worth noting as well that since my reggie is asian and i firmly believe this pressure is present (i’m asian myself, the struggle is real). reggie has slowly cared less and less and we’ll get to that later but, you get it.

the panels also have drastically different interactions between parent and child, ricky’s looking borderline abusive and more importantly, public. one could argue that it only looks like ricky only has a tight pinch on reggie’s ear, but i also have concerns about the extent of ricky’s expectations and what lengths he’d go to make them known, especially when reggie didn’t fulfill them as a kid. this leads me to my next piece of evidence.

exhibit b: archie (2015) / issue #30 context: ricky has recently bailed him out reggie out of jail, having been charged with vehicular manslaughter. despite ricky having pulled several strings to get him out, reggie’s still acting out and in getting ready for the riverdale spring dance, has taken it upon himself to go through his father’s wardrobe without asking to dress himself for the occasion.

conclusions drawn:

reggie has an unforgiving memory. rightfully so, as he’s been going through this vicious cycle for as long as he can remember, but take note his ability to citeextremely hurtful things that ricky has been guilty of saying about his own son and, in some cases, said to his own son’s face. he plays it off as a snarky comeback, but to me, that’s a cheap coping mechanism and speaks to a greater desensitization on reggie’s end towards constantly receiving such disappointing and demeaning remarks from his own father. he expects it, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt to hear.

ricky has a horrible temper. i say this because his temper is shown to go from 0 to 100 extremely quick (literally read any of the new archie reboot, you’ll pick up on it) until reggie puts him in his place. i honestly headcanon that ricky hasundiagnosed bpd (disclaimer: my mother has bpd) and that this extreme range of temperament is something reggie has had to develop a defense to and it’s taken years for him to do. it’d take a lot of convincing to try and tell me that this temper has never escalated into physical altercations. especially from a toxically masculine man like ricky ? no chance.

the abuse is physical as well as emotional. absent parenting aside, look at the way ricky’s holding onto reggie’s collar. that grip is like ice and furthermore it’s also the first thing ricky does in confronting his own son. immediate physical invasion of space isn’t promising in parental maneuvers and yeah, we might’ve laughed all the time at how archie’s parents would grab him by the ear and drag him home when he was in trouble in the classic comics, it was all in good fun back in the day but reggie didn’t get the same, comical treatment. in fact, far from it.

it’s happened before. the way reggie cuts his father off right in the middle of his alleged apology, simply telling him to get out of his personal space? the fact thatreggie has to tell him to stop makes it seem like ricky is a creature of habit and that he defaults unhealthily to physical confrontation. and honestly who would be surprised ? reggie’s immediate, nearly nonchalant defense makes me think he’s done this many times before. whether or not ricky’s willingness to back off comes from him trying to improve himself as a father, his efforts don’t seem to be working.

reggie’s acting out has become a method of survival. this argument is bit of speculation on my end and comes from what makes sense to me, but in my eyes reggie’s acting out as an almost-adult is both an act of defiance and an act of survival. i headcanon that once reggie grew up and became more aware of his family’s ‘clout,’ he began to weaponize it. remember the ‘mantle family image’ thing i talked about earlier? jackpot. while reggie might have had to put up with abuse silently growing up, he soon figured out that if his father was gonna do anything, he couldn’t leave a mark. otherwise, people would ask questions. i mean, imagine if he went to the press with a sob story about all the times conglomerate boss ricky mantle hurt his own son… what would his family do then ? reggie doesn’t give a fuck about the family, and for that he has leverage. the mantles can’t have a scandal, that’s bad for business ! reggie holds that over his father’s head, knowing it’ll get him to back off the way he does in the last panels and ricky knows better than to test his son’s boldness. so reggie doing whatever he wants, knowing ricky can’t do jack shit to him ? that’shis power source. that’s what gets him out of bed every day. it’s where his hubris comes from, his arrogance. knowing he’s the shit because he is. this is where he finds his ground, making sure he never gets hurt again, and if he does it’s only on his terms. no one elses.

tl; dr: ricky and vicky mantle aren’t shit, there’s absolutely no way reggie has a brother, reggie raised himself for the most part since he was about 9 years old, reggie grew up and continues to grow up in an empty house, a good portion of reggie’s insecurities come from his childhood when he blamed himself for his parents not being around, and reggie is a victim of emotional and physical abuse as well as neglect.

so have mercy on him. he isn’t inherently evil and while his actions aren’t always excusable, it’s worth remembering that no one was there to teach him otherwise.

#I. ❰ HEADCANONS / METAS. ❱#reposting this bc im remaking reg's old blog

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ladyherenya · 4 years

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Books read in October

Twenty novels (including two audiobooks), three graphic novels, one novella and two rereads: more books than are pictured above. I can’t remember the last time I read so much in a month. Maybe when I was high school?

It was a combination of factors: Rainbow Rowell’s latest books became available at the library, I realised that Meg Cabot’s Heather Wells books are murder mysteries, and I made the very exciting discovery that I could get Ellen Emerson White’s previously-out-of-print novels as ebooks.

Favourite cover: Life Without Friends.

Reread: Bryony and Roses by T. Kingfisher, Hold Me by Courtney Milan (and then The Road Home).

Still reading: Mapping Winter by Marta Randall and When We Were Warriors by Emma Carroll.

Next up: Warrior of the Altaii by Robert Jordan.

(Longer reviews and ratings are on LibraryThing. And also Dreamwidth.)

The Princess Who Flew with Dragons by Stephanie Burgis: Princess Sofia is unimpressed when her sister’s latest plans involve sending Sofia on a diplomatic mission to Villenne. Sofia wants to stay in her room and read, not remind everyone that she struggles to be a perfect princess. But in Villenne she discovers unexpected opportunities to attend lectures and make friends. And when calamity strikes, it’s up to her to save the day. A solid adventure about friendship and what it means to be a princess, a philosopher and a person all at once. It’s the sort of book I’d like to send back in time to my twelve-year-old self.

The “Uncommon Echoes” trilogy by Sharon Shinn: Set in a world where many of the nobility have “echoes” -- identical copies who follow them, more substantial than shadows but not capable of speech or independent action. Or so people believe. Begins with Echo in Onyx.

Echo in Emerald: After a story about an ordinary woman pretending to be an echo, here is a woman pretending her echoes are ordinary people. Chessie has the ability to shift her consciousness between herself and her two echoes, enough to give the impression that they are three different people with different personalities and jobs. Usually she keeps to the lower classes, but one day she’s asked to deliver a message to a noble who is investigating a recent murder.(Another inversion, another case of themes and variations, as the first book is about trying to conceal a murder.)This builds upon the first book, deepening our understanding of the political context and of echoes. Chessie’s experience of identity is fascinating.

Echo in Amethyst: A story about echo who slowly gains sentience and independence from her original is a good idea in theory, a logical progression for this trilogy. But it turned out to be a massive misstep. The echo belongs to a woman who is abusive towards her echoes and rude towards nearly everyone else. The echo spends a long time incapable of being anything other than a passive observer of unpleasant people. I skimmed bits and seriously considered abandoning this. Not recommended -- but the first two books standalone sufficiently that you could read just those without this series feeling naggingly incomplete.

Pumpkinheads by Rainbow Rowell, illustrated by Faith Erin Hicks: Super cute! All through high school Josiah and Deja have worked together at the pumpkin patch every September and October. Tonight is their last shift. Deja is determined that Josiah is finally going to speak to the girl he likes. Nothing goes to plan. This is a story about changes, chances and choices. It’s also a love letter to everything Josiah and Deja love about the pumpkin patch -- which includes their relationship. I really liked the characters, and the artwork does such a wonderful job of bringing them, and this place, to life.

The Spies of Shilling Lane by Jennifer Ryan (narrated by Jayne Entwistle): Unexpectedly entertaining, a cosy mystery full of excitement, danger and character growth, set against the backdrop of the London Blitz. Mrs Braithwaite, divorced and deposed from her position as head of the village Women’s Voluntary Service, tries to find her missing adult daughter. Mrs Braithwaite is a very forceful personality. I really liked that she is not only challenged to reevaluate her attitudes, she discovers that qualities like bossiness and tenacity can be great strengths. Large, loud and assertive middle-aged women are so often been relegated to irritating or comedic minor characters, rather than getting to be protagonists.

An Enchantment of Ravens by Margaret Rogerson: Isobel has spent years painting portraits of the fair folk. She knows to speak courteously, make bargains carefully, and avoid jeopardising her family’s safety. And then she meets the prince of the autumn court. I have mixed feelings. I really liked Isobel, with her practical streak and her passion for painting, and liked the way she describes her experiences. The people she’s closest to are quickly established as interesting, complex and individual. However, this story leans heavily into a portrayal of the fair folk which I don’t find very appealing. A matter of personal taste rather than quality.

Artistic License by Elle Pierson (aka Lucy Parker): I wasn’t sure what to expect from an early self-published novel about an art student and a security guard in New Zealand, especially as the London theatre world is a big part of why Parker’s other books appeal to me. But Queenstown is such a scenic setting and the characters immediately felt like the sort of people Parker writes about. I particularly enjoyed Sophy’s internal dialogue, and how she and Mick become very protective of each other. They’re so mutually caring! In hindsight, this book could have been stronger... but I liked the characters and their interactions. Sometimes that’s enough.

The Printed Letter Bookshop by Katherine Reay: A story about cross-age friendship and forgiveness, about three different women working together in a bookshop. Madeline, a lawyer, has inherited the bookshop from her aunt. Janet is angry and has an ex husband, adult children who rarely speak to her and old friends she wants to avoid. In the middle is Claire, aware of the shop’s precarious finances and trying to juggle work with motherhood. I’d nearly finished this when I realised it’s classified as “Christian fiction”. I really liked how it is about forgiveness and messy, complicated relationships. Not a perfect book, but it surprised me.

The “Heather Wells Mysteries” by Meg Cabot:

Size 12 Is Not Fat: I discovered that this series isn’t just chick lit, it’s murder mystery chick lit about a former pop singer now working as an assistant director for a college dorm. (Talk about misleading covers!) When a student is found dead, Heather is convinced that it wasn’t an accident but murder. At times Heather reminded me of Mia from The Princess Diaries, which I found fascinating and frustrating (some attitudes are more understandable coming from a teenager than from a woman approaching thirty). Anyway, Heather is kind and humorous, I liked the setting, and the mystery had enough twists to satisfy me.

Size 14 Is Not Fat Either: More of the same, except that this time when a student turns up dead, it’s obvious to everyone that she has been murdered. Instead of trying to convince everyone of the need for a murder investigation, Heather is trying -- unsuccessfully -- not to get involved in it. I like how supportive Heather’s friends and colleagues are. Her father has been absent (in jail), her mother and her manager ran off with Heather’s money, and her long term boyfriend was unfaithful, but she’s still got people in her life who care and who are there for her. And I did enjoy some of her song lyrics.

Size Doesn’t Matter (US title: Big Boned): I was relieved that this time round the murder victim is not another female student. Yes, murder is horrible regardless, but there can be something particularly unpleasant if a story keeps only killing young women. I definitely don’t want murder mysteries to be all grim and bleak, but I prefer it when murder mysteries aren’t this light-hearted. This isn’t a criticism, just a realisation about my personal taste. I kept reading to see some resolution in Heather’s love life. (I know, priorities). I’ve no idea the woman on the cover is wearing a wedding dress. Marketing is weird.

Wayward Son by Rainbow Rowell: Simon, Baz and Penelope set off on a roadtrip across America to see Agatha, who Penelope is convinced is in trouble. Rowell is so good making me care about her characters and their relationships. I liked how this is a journey of discovery -- exploring a new country, finding out things about the world they live in and learning more about themselves. I enjoyed reading this but wasn’t so enthusiastic about the final act (it becomes a story about vampires) or the conclusion (busy setting up for a sequel, it leaves emotional arcs unresolved). Expectations and personal preferences, I guess.

Life Without Friends by Ellen Emerson White: I was so excited when I discovered that this had been released as an ebook. A decade of wanting to read something may be an unfair amount of pressure to put on any book, especially on a teen novel from 1987, but I was not disappointed. White is so good at writing smart, acerbic teenage girls dealing with trauma and intense emotions, like guilt and grief. And Beverly’s relationship with Derek is so believably awkward and tentative and hopeful -- two people with their own flaws and fears making the effort to get to know each other. It’s, like, everything I want from teen romance.

To Be Taught, If Fortunate by Becky Chambers: A team from the 22nd century explore four habitable worlds in orbit around a red dwarf star. It’s a fascinating glimpse into what the future might be like -- what space travel and other worlds might be like -- and a thought-provoking meditation about space, science and life. When it comes to the characters, there’s something quite elliptical about it -- which is fitting, given that Ariadne is writing this account for a specific purpose. It left me feeling unsatisfied, but I think that’s because there are particular things I’m looking for and this novella intentionally -- and effectively -- focuses on something else.

The Sinister Mystery of the Mesmerizing Girl by Theodora Goss (narrated by Kate Reading): The Athena Club return to London from one extraordinary adventure and are plunged into another. Their teenaged kitchen maid Alice has been kidnapped, Sherlock Holmes is missing and there is a plot afoot to impersonate the queen. This story has adventure, teamwork, mystery, unexpected twists, more cameos by characters from popular Victorian fiction, and commentary on late Victorian concerns (like empire and eugenics). My favourite part was the Athena Club's interactions when they interrupt the narrative to discuss their lives together, highlight what they think is important or argue about what Catherine included. They’re a team, a household, a family.

All Emergencies, Ring Super by Ellen Emerson White: A teenager asks Dana, a former actress working as a building superintendent, to investigate a building fire. This was curiously lacking in tension --- until things became intensely personal. By the end, I was seriously disappointed that there isn’t a whole series about Dana solving mysteries. I like that Dana investigates by doing research at the library, making use of her acting abilities and enlisting support from friends. Her friendships are one of the highlights -- smart, difficult people who are honest with each other is an interesting dynamic. And the way White writes about the aftermath of trauma is compelling and thoughtful.

The “Echo Company” series by Ellen Emerson White: I read all five books in two days. They’re fast-paced and some aren’t particularly long -- they were published by Scholastic in the early 90s -- but that is only part of why I read them so quickly. They are compelling and unexpectedly fascinating.

Welcome to Vietnam: Eighteen year old Michael Jennings is conscripted to fight in Vietnam -- and I really wanted to see him to find his feet, make friends and survive. I can relate to how much he cares about his dog, and his sense of humour makes him an entertaining character to spend time with, even though he’s been thrown into a terrible, terrifying situation. Even knowing what wars can be like, I was still surprised by conditions the soldiers faced. I was also surprised by how interesting I found it all. It left me thinking about a lot.

Hill 568: Michael has made some friends (and some enemies), he’s grown accustomed to some of the realities of life on the frontlines in Vietnam, and he takes on more responsibility. White’s characters are lively and, in spite of the situations they’re in, often humorous. That humour is a huge part of why this is an engaging story, like an antidote to the horrors of war, but it also serves to emphasise that all those horrible things are happening to a bunch of ordinary young men barely out of school. This book made me laugh, and made me worry about the characters.

‘Tis the Season: Twenty-one year old Lieutenant Rebecca Phillips is a nurse working in the ER of an evacuation hospital in Vietnam. Although already dealing with grief and difficult family relationships and a nightmarish workplace, she’s a bright, upbeat person who goes out of her way to entertain others. Self-appointed “Court Jester”. During the Christmas ceasefire she goes out on a medical helicopter -- and everything goes to hell. There are more medical details than I, a squeamish person, really prefer, but once I got to know Rebecca -- and also once her circumstances became tense and terrifying -- I was very, very invested.

Stand Down: This has some tense moments, but otherwise feels a bit lighter -- a welcome change of pace after everything the characters have been through. Michael spends a lot of time moping over correspondence (or lack thereof) from a nurse he’s met once -- but in context, that’s very understandable. He so desperately needs something positive and hopeful to focus on. I like that Michael’s and Rebecca’s initial interactions aren’t easy, because that feels realistic in the circumstances, and because it’s a positive sign that they’re able to get through awkward conversations; it sets them up to be honest with each other.

The Road Home: I stayed up stupidly late reading this, on a school night too. White is so good at writing about dealing with the aftermath of trauma, and about smart, difficult people making an effort to build relationships -- friendships as well as romances. This follows Rebecca’s final six months serving as a nurse in Vietnam, and the months afterwards. It’s about the things that get her through the war (letters, friendships, alcohol) and the difficulties of adjusting to life back home. I love how this book deals realistically but hopefully with so many things. I have a lot of feelings and favourite passages.

Applied Electromagnetism by Susannah Nix: Two colleagues who travel interstate to do a job with a deadline find themselves under extra pressure due to complications of bad weather. I liked all the references to Olivia and Adam’s nerdy interests, and I thought the discussions of Olivia’s ADHD and her experiences as a woman in STEM were interesting. Otherwise nothing jumped out at me as deserving of criticism or praise, it was all just okay. Less humorous than I expected from something book described as “romantic comedy”, but that was okay. (And maybe someone else would find it funny, humour is such a your-mileage-may-vary thing.)

The Tea Dragon Society by Katie O’Neill: I love the concept of tea dragons and a tea dragon society. And the dragons are really cute! But the way people’s expressions are drawn in this graphic novel didn’t quite appeal to me and I think that coloured how I felt about the book as a whole. And it’s not a very long story, so it doesn’t have so many opportunities to win over a reader who isn’t enamoured with the illustrations. I’m sorry, book, I’m sure there are other readers out there who will appreciate you!

Runaways: That Was Yesterday (volume 3) by Rainbow Rowell and Kris Anka with Matthew Wilson: Follows on from Find Your Way Home and Best Friends Forever and involves the reappearance of someone from the Runaways’ past, the appearance of children of old enemies and Christmas. I read three volumes of the original Runaways comics last year -- and this volume really left me feeling like maybe I’d appreciate it more if I’d read those more recently or else if I’d read more of them. Or maybe it was just that it focused a lot on a character I don’t like as much? But, I still liked it. I definitely would like to read more.

#Herenya reviews books #Sharon Shinn #Rainbow Rowell #Ellen Emerson White #Stephanie Burgis #Margaret Rogerson #Lucy Parker #Katherine Reay #Meg Cabot #Becky Chambers #Theodora Goss #Susannah Nix #Katie O'Neill #Finally posting this

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