#itll be out Wednesday instead...

[bbkoolkatz]

Heyyy can I PLEASEEE be on your tag list for the barbarian prince?? I love your writing so much

sure babe!

[kiras-law]

Near's Routines

Near's day, chronologically (with timestamps, for your convenience).

gen / no pairings / 692 words

Autistic Near | Nate River, Depressed Near | Nate River, Medicinal Drug Use, he takes 6 acetaminophen because he thinks itll make him feel better, spoiler alert it does not, Author Is Autistic

notes : haii i wrote this while waiting to take a standardized test at my school that i dont go in for for another hour , but since i have to wait i cant do anything meaningful with my time , so here we are . not betaed i just proofread it a couple times . enjoy !

read on ao3 or below the cut !

---

At 6:00, Near’s alarm goes off. It makes a mildly pleasant noise, resembling sounds of nature rather than the obnoxious blares of other alarms he’s tried. He allows himself to lay on the mattress for an additional 10 minutes before sitting up. He changes into clean pyjamas, not enjoying the way his current ones feel after wearing them for 24 hours. They are too warm from the bed and his body heat, and are beginning to feel scratchy on the inside.

Near brushes his teeth, and takes the pills in the dosette box beside his bed. 7 differently shaped and colored pills in the section for Wednesday go down his throat in pairs with swishes of stale water in a blue plastic bottle. He dislikes how the silicone mouthpiece of it feels like a sippy cup, something for a child, but he has not taken the effort to replace the bottle with one he would prefer.

By 6:30, Near is sitting in the SPK headquarter’s main room, his gaze focused on the toy robot in his hands rather than the litany of screens surrounding him on all sides. His head hurts. He should’ve had two acetaminophen this morning, as well. He had assumed his head would not hurt today. He was wrong.

He does not move from that spot until 13:24, when the knotting in his stomach is impairing his work. He stands, managing to move his body without assistance over to where his crutches are leaned against a desk. He replaces the crutches with his bottom as he wraps the straps around his forearms, eventually pushing off of it and moving towards the kitchen that is not too far from the main room, to his appreciation for nobody in particular.

At 13:32, he sits on the floor in front of the fridge, surveilling his options. His gaze scans the fridge and surrounding area, spotting a box of honey flavored cereal bars sitting on the counter. He grabs two of them, as well as six acetaminophen pills. He puts them all in his pants pocket and heads back to the main room.

Resuming his spot on the floor, Near unloads his pocket on the floor around him. He frowns when he realizes he has no water. He could ask Rester or Halle to fetch some, but pushes the idea away and instead swallows the pills two at a time, forcing saliva to form in his overdry mouth to help him take the painkillers. The time is 13:41 when Near opens the first of the cereal bars, and takes a bite.

He finishes the first at 13:47, and puts the second into his pocket for another time. He does not think he could eat more at the moment without it coming back up.

Near’s afternoon continues rather uneventfully, the usual game. He played with 4 different toys today, and catalogs them mentally. Various robots at 6:21, dice at 11:34, train at 14:57, and now, 21:46, tarot cards.

He only recently started the tower, and is mildly disappointed upon realizing the time and that it will not grow to his desired size before he retires for the night. It is also Wednesday, meaning he will have to be done working even earlier to accommodate for his shower before he sleeps, and so his hair has time to dry before his head hits the pillows.

Near ends up leaving the workroom at 23:02, and gets in the shower at 23:13. He counts the seconds in there, and comes out 843 seconds later, at 23:27.

He stalls by playing with a few small cars on the tiled floor of his quarters until his hair is dry, which takes about an hour, though he doesn’t actually get into bed until 1:02. Near stares at the ceiling, recapping his day to himself. His stomach hurts. He doesn’t do anything about it, rolling onto his side and shutting his eyes. He made mistakes today, and will correct them tomorrow. Near pulls the sheets over his head and squeezes his eyes shut, willing himself to sleep. His brain goes quiet at 2:34.

[thebestofoneshots]

Hello darling x

Just wondering if youd be open to the idea of writing a Jily x reader series after Guilded Constellations with reader as a half-breed?? (but its public knowledge instead of hidden like GC reader) Maybe a veela or vampire. I know itll still be a while until GC finishes and you should take a break afterwards but id love to read your take on this grouping as well. Youve done Wolfstar so well, and Wednesdays cant go fast enough to give me my fix (i live in Australia so ch are released late at night mostly)

YESSSS!

I mean, after GC I already have another Marauders series planned out, It's called Point of Know Return, I talked a little bit about it on this ask. But I would love to do a Jilly x reader fic. Maybe not a full-fleshed series, but something slightly smaller with a bit more casual entries.

I'd love to explore especially the hald-bread aspect of reader being public, since I'm sure there would be a lot of nasty bullying thrown in there but she would probably fight back, even more if it's about trying to bring Lily down, like she really would be her Dark Knight.

Also both Veela and Vampire sound fun, Veela bc I love mermaids and Vampire because let's be honest, fangs are hot af. Imagine her having slightly sharper fangs that she's self-conscious about, accidentally drawing bIood when kissing someone? I mean I'm so, so down!

Clearly, I like the idea, of course, there are a lot of details I'd have to flesh out and analyse, but I'd try to map the full plan of the story ready so I don't end up overwriting (as much) as I ended up doing it with GC, but this one seems fun, perhaps, if I had enough time, I could work on it when GC is about to end or while working on POKR.

Would you guys be interested in this one? What else would you like to see happen?

Read Gilded Constellations

[missjanjie]

WIP Wednesday

im nothing if not a woman of my word, heres a lil look at the first chapter (idk how long itll be but i dont see it as a oneshot) of 'strangers like me'

-

The house they pulled up to was, to Gigi’s surprise, much larger than her home in California, though she supposed that made sense, having already figured out that everything was cheaper out here based on signs at gas stations and restaurants. 

Once her dad parked the car, she got out and sat on the hood of it, watching the movers bring boxes into the house. After five minutes or so, she realized she wasn’t the only one watching, looking over and seeing two young women across the street, both talking to each other as they passed a joint back and forth. She realized that making friends out here might be even more important than doing so in high society. 

She walked across the street and, instead of walking up the five stairs, folded her arms on the railing to prop her head up. “Can I get a hit?”

The woman closer to her got up and offered it out to her. “Long drive?”

“Long day of travel,” Gigi replied as she took a hit, handing it back as she exhaled. Between the plane ride and drive, she had spent most of the day sitting and ruminating on her life. She looked at her new neighbor curiously – she had curly, brown hair and thick-rimmed glasses and was dressed far more brightly than what she would’ve expected from someone in a deep-red state. And when she looked over at the other woman – taller and paler with jet-black hair – and realized she was also dressed in a stand-out way, though she had more of a punk aesthetic. These two would thrive in Los Angeles, she couldn’t help but wonder if they felt as trapped here as she did.

“I’m Crystal, by the way,” she told her, then cocked her head to her right, “and this is my sister, Daya.” 

“Nice to meet you, I’m Gigi.” She went back and forth between offering out her hand or not, which made it look like she was jerking her arm like a robot before she settled on just nodding and smiling.

“Are you in witness protection or something?” Daya asked with a light laugh.

Gigi furrowed her brows. “I don’t think so… None of us had to change our names or anything, and we didn’t fake our deaths. I guess we’re just laying low until whatever’s happening with my dad’s business gets fixed up.”

[my-castles-crumbling]

hi cas, reg kin anon back

so, ive looked into it a little but i couldnt find any information online about whether my uni could offer free counselling/support when i get there, so its something i think ill just have to ask about once i actually get there.

which... is in three days. i move out on wednesday 11th, and its absolutely terrifying how soon that is. i feel so underprepared and i hate feeling like that because im the type of person to have multiple backup plans, i always check ahead of time about everything, i was that kid who used to make sure they knew everything they needed to if they got in a car accident or whatever. i was *prepared*, and now suddenly im moving out in three days and havent a clue what im doing.

its also so overwhelming trying to do anything. ive tried making lists to help but even that isnt working, and im so afraid i wont be prepared to go. i dont understand how anyone can be okay with anything anymore. i honestly cant believe i ever wished so badly to be an adult because its the most stressful, frustrating, and terrifying thing ever — and ive not even hit the tip of the iceberg yet, im well aware.

so far ive packed dry foods i bought beforehand (because ive no fucking clue where the food shops are where im moving, or how far they will be, or how easy itll be to trnasport shopping etc, so i figured it would be easier to bring anything i could so that id be set for a day or two at least), and thats about it. i cant pack clothes until the day before, and i cant pack toiletries until just before since ill still be using them, and im not packing all the stuff i bought in earlier asks (bedding, towels etc) until im packing clothes, because right now *theyre* all in my suitcase and theres no point taking them out and taking up more space with them until the clothes need to go in instead. i need to pack my plates and cups and such but i dont have any boxes and my father was supposed to get me some but hes done fuck all this past week and its really stressing me out.

is moving always this stressful or am i just overthinking everything? i feel like i never feel correctly about anything in life (ive had severe anxiety for longer than i can remember which really doesnt help) so i cant tell if im just being dramatic about it or if its actually normal to be so stressed about something that everyone does. would it be easier or more difficult without my mother's diagnosis? i dont know that she'd have helped much anyway, honestly, but still i cant help wondering. do people in normal families find it this difficult or is it calmer?

Hi!!!

Well by the time you read this you'll have moved!

Honestly, there's no real way to be completely prepared. You're gonna forget something, something will go wrong, and part of adulthood is just knowing that things go wrong and it's okay. It'll be okay, and you can figure it out, I promise.

Would it be easier if things were normal? Probably. But moving is still stressful no matter what. I promise you, everyone is stressed about this, and everyone is going to forget something and make mistakes. The most important thing is to find people to rely on, so when you make a mistake, you have people to help, you know? Adulthood is really just calling someone up and saying "I fucked up" and then as soon as you figure it out, someone calls you and says the same.

It'll be okay <3 I'm sending so much love.

[taromilksnake]

6:32am did no prep for work today

and now i’m feeling anxious about it, which makes sense. do i regret not doing any prep? i don’t think so, as the majority of the time i was relaxed or catching up on needed sleep. do i feel i “should” have done some work? yes, to prevent feeling this way now. hard not to think all or nothing, i definitely wanted to go to bed instead of trying to stay up, but maybe in the future a quick 30min rough plan would make me feel better? my game plan now is to go figure it out at school by getting there early, which isn’t a bad idea. next time i want to keep in mind that waking up early kinda nerfs me, and it costs extra energy that would need to be made up. i was thinking how it could carry over into the rest of the week, but now that i think about it i don’t know how true that is. even had i planned, i don’t think it would affect wednesday all that much, actually. i think the goal today is to do my best to be physically relaxed, since i now know it has a pretty big impact. maybe that means prioritizing lunch. let me try testing the idea that i’ll teach better when i’m in a good mood.

i miss anthony and am feeling very slightly panicked, fragile. i said a lot over the phone, but it feels like nothing important, even if that’s not true. i’m fearful that i was saying it to avoid work, or to people-please him…a lot of caveats came out. i want to remember i’m also still processing the fact that i’m not coming back, and probably struggling against the latent stress of uncertainty, and the urge to just throw in the towel. plus, i didn’t go to therapy, but i did get my teeth fixed. i’ll be still processing what it means for me to leave the school, i think. not that itll happen, but even if they change their mind and offer me 4th, i wouldn’t take it. in that way, i’m looking forward to a longer summer break, and my plan to take it easier and maybe sub around is not a bad idea.

i miss anthony, and probably in an avoidant way, but honestly i don’t think i really care, or at least i’m tired of caring. i’m sick of meaning i just want to hold you. i don’t think i want to tell him that b/c it’s not really productive, but i think maybe letting me just feel this way, and not dissect my own motivation or feelings too much. i miss him, and i wish i didn’t have to go to work. i want to be climbing, or on break, or spending time with him doing b fun things, and i don’t want to go into work. i’m anxious that i won’t have energy to go climbing after work today, and i’m upset at the prospect of not seeing anthony until friday or saturday. i’m pretty scared at that idea, actually. but even if we can’t hang out in person, i can still message him, and maybe we can call today or tomorrow or thursday evening. i really want zine jam to be me time, so i didn’t invite him, but that is also not a set rule, and it wouldn’t be breaking any promise to myself or anything if i find myself feeling differently then.

all these feelings because i tried a different strategy. not the wrong choice, but maybe next weekend i jus throw something together to ease this feeling. very distractable, feeling fragile, sleepy. had stress dreams/simulations about the math work. it’ll be fine, it’ll work out everything will turn out alright. it’s never as bad as the imagined version, i’ll be through the day and i’ll have a good time at mesa.

[dykefrin]

no one asked but im telling the story anyways

ok so let me give some background. i started watching the jello isat playthroughs right after moving back into my dorm after winter break since there were a few days before classes started when i basically had nothing better to do. i didnt time i quite right so i ended up still having some left to finish after my first day of classes on that wednesday. luckily i didnt have class until 11:30 on thursday so i was like ok cool ill just stay up late and finish! looks like ill be done around 2 am! thats not too bad itll be fun!

and so i stayed up late to finish watching isat and was left laying in my bed staring at my screen in the dark at like 2:30 am like . wow i think im gonna be changed forever now. what a damn game.

AND THEN I RANDOMLY GOT HIT WITH TERRIBLE PAIN and the symptoms were very obviously. kidney stone

and i proceeded to spend the next 3 hours laying in my bed slowly going insane from pain (i took ibuprofen but it did basically nothing lol). during this time i had extremely vivid feverdream-like hallucinations/dreams or just . visions . that were clearly my brain latching on to what i had spend the entire previous day watching.

from what i recall they mostly revolved around act 5 siffrin going through the house alone and all the stuff that involves but it kept switching from me watching playthroughs of this and me actually being siffrin going through it. the house was full of ghosts of other siffrins and they kept picking up the same items again and again (ill get to it more later but it was kinda repeating the same few minutes again and again). also at several points i recall seeing the other party members' battle portraits come up but i couldnt tell what they were fighting and the edges of everything had this animated scribble effect.

the overall impression of the visions was also that it was the same few minutes repeating over and over so i started feeling like i was stuck in a timeloop and also in my delirious state i kinda started believing that which really sucked because i was in agony the whole time and i was like shitttt man how do i break this timeloop. also at a few points i got really confused about like. id be like "ok maybe im not actually in pain. maybe its just siffrin who is in pain. and im feeling this the same way i hear his internal dialogue bc theyre being voice acted. thats normal. its normal to feel everything a character feels in your own body." and then i would be like wait no. that makes no fucking sense. why would i be feeling siffrins pain.

(what finally snapped me out of my delirium was my roommate getting up. bc they get up super fuckin early. so i could finally talk to something instead of just. laying in the dark with nothing but my own brain going insane from pain)

anyways once it was no longer the buttcrack of morning i could finally get in contact with my parents to figure out how to get to the emergency room (i go to college an hour away from my hometown and dont know anyone with a car) and my aunt ended up driving down to take me there. and thats how i ended up in the hospital the day after i finished in stars and time.

also the whole experience of my brain latching onto siffrin in the midst of my pain-induced dissociation certainly caused me to become a siffrin kinnie much more quickly than i would have otherwise. because im normal

anyways pretty funny for a scissors type to get taken out by a rock in their organ right

ok who wants to know the story of how i went to the emergency room the day after i finished isat

[mr-humphries]

Might as well share this here. It's just a roleplay I did with myself over on BB Amino to cure my boredom, so dont expect it to be good fJFJEK

Peak my oc too 😩✨

_________

To be sent on a late soul collection was one thing, but the task of elimination was just baffling. Charlie would much rather be at home with that chonky little cat of his instead of being released on a life or death mission that could leave him extremely injured. But he knows better to disobey the higher-ups. Adjusting his glasses, Charlie remained cloaked in the shadow of a building, keeping his eye out for the target he was sent to rid of, one Alan Humphries, the fallen grim reaper who miraculously reappeared after the events of Crystal Palace, despite his partner having taken his life and 1000 souls were accounted for.

Whatever that blasted Undertaker has done with him, its messed up the entirety of Dispatch, dealing with taunts and attacks from the very same "reaper". And he was a good one at that. He was someone Charlie felt no reason to fight with.

He didn't have a say in this anyway.

Charlie flipped through his collection book, still awaiting the appointed time. Even at the slightest sound, he was on alert, a hand on his (cloaked) scythe, prepared to strike when he gets the chance. If only he was smarter than that, then he wouldve seen what was coming. A scythe. Right to face.

"Fancy seeing your face around here reaper," he taunted, while Charlie staggered and readied his own scythe, looking around in every direction "a fresh face like yours would make you someone fun to toy with" A grip on Charlie's shoulder startled him, making him spin around and attempt to attack whoever's behind him, which failed, and sent him flying into a corner. "Honestly mate, surely they would teach you better than that at the academy," a scythe blade pressed up to his throat "it's a little pathetic."

Charlie dropped whatever was in his hands and held them up, almost surrendering "I'm not sure what you want me to say, Humphries"

"Come on, what's with the formalities? I may be out hunting the Dispatch for my enjoyment and the sake of being rewarded quite generously, but you dont have to be formal about it, its weird-" Alan rolled his eyes, which had no real discernable colour, mainly faded or Grey, before peering back down at the reaper "so. What do you want?"

Charlie simply glared at the reaper standing above him, despite his short height, he was quite intimidating. "I want nothing from you-"

Alan scowled, pressing his scythe harder on Charlie's neck "come on now, you dont have to lie to me. I'm not a parrot. I wont be repeating anything to anyone else, but I will take something personally. So tread lightly regardless." Alan flashed him a soft smirk, just loving the defeat in Charlie's eyes. "I was sent to rid of you"

"Did Spears send you?"

"The Higher-ups sent me-" Charlie stopped glaring to stare into the wall beside him "I didnt want to be here, I had to go against my own will." Alan snickered at Charlie's remark "what's so funny about that?"

"The fact that Dispatch would rather save their own skins sending someone so under qualified for the job," Alan pulled the scythe away from Charlie, crouching in front of him with a smirk "Its kind of sad really... that they dont actually care for you and send you for a sacrifice~"

"You say that as if it's a terrible thing"

"Terrible? No no, better for me, but quite selfish indeed..." he chuckled.

"so, what I'm getting from this is Higher-ups are afraid of me?"

Charlie hesitated, "I wouldnt say afraid-" Alan groaned in response "you dont have to e going and defending them. They sent you out here to rid of me, and look at where it's getting you. Not very far."

"Regardless of what theyve done, I'm still alive like this because of them. I still have a bit of faith if getting redeemed, is that so wrong?"

"Oh you poor thing... thinking theres life after death... a redemption waiting for you just beyond the horizon," Alan got up, giggling, before a deadpan look came across his face when Charlie didnt laugh too "heaven doesn't exist, lad. All that waits, is hell, no matter how hard you work. Lower your expectations a little, 'kay?" Alan's smiled reappeared "now, if it's up to schedule I suppose we'll be meeting again. I'm free at 6 on wednesdays if your rather settle this over dinner," Alan turned and began to leave, waving him off "ta ta I guess."

Charlie quickly got up, stumbling as he ran after him "now hold on just a second!"

"Eh?"

"You work for undertaker- you mention he'd give you a generous reward for slaying the Reapers, right-?"

Alan raised an eyebrow, prompting Charlie to huff "you know, for a dangerous person you're not very considerate-"

"Why do you wanna know?"

Charlie remained silent for a moment, fiddling with his jacket sleeves before answering "just wanted to know."

Alan kept an brow raised, thinking for a moment "what do I get in return for this information, Junior?"

"anything. I'll let you have me. You can kill me, bring me back, whatever. I'll do anything. Justblet me know what Undertaker has."

Alan held a sceptical look on his face "... you know what, because you've been such a good sport. No. I'm not telling you a thing, itll be more torturous to live out that sad little life of yours- none of your business really."

Charlie glared "oh come on! I offered you whatever I can think of!!"

The "reaper" laughed "AH, BUT YOU THOUGHT I WOULD TELL YOU!"

"what's wrong with you?!"

"tell you what, right, I'll compromise with you. I'll tell you what you want, but you have to tell me everything about Dispatch, dates, times of everything. With your shocking combat skills, you're most likely in general affairs..."

Charlie looked down, huffing "deal."

Alan smirked and chuckled, "good." He maneuvered in front of Charlie, knocking the scythe from his hand, taking a real tough grip on his tie and waist to pull him in close, whispering into his ear "when our deal is through... and Dispatch is completely out of commission... I can finally take back what was mine. My Eric~ and, oh, I haven't seen him in years. I'm sure it would be nice to catch up... wouldn't you think?" Charlie's eyes widened "and when hes finally returned, I can finally knock sense into that Michaelis, for making such a big deal of 1000 souls... it's what got My beloved killed after all." Alan let out a dark chuckle, making Charlie shiver, suddenly gasping for air when his tie was tightened around his neck, watching as Alan backed away "and you wont be getting in the way, correct?"

Charlie shook his head vigorously, choking for air when alan let go and the tie loosened slightly "Good. You're a great listener. Let me know when we shall meet again. Doesnt matter where, I'll always find you." 

Charlie kept choking for a moment, tearing up slightly as he glared up at the other, "I-I'll find out what I can- we'll meet tomorrow..."

"Glad you're cooperating. Til we meet again." He waved to Charlie, before walking off and leaving him to loosen his tie completely and try to breathe once more.

Oh how screwed he was.

[tylerwritez]

7:45 p.m. Sunday June 20th

Okay well... writing about the entirety of my day is gonna be. Quite the task.

Whatever. I'm dedicated to making this blog A Thing.

Today was Father's Day, so the first thing I did was get up and go downstairs. Gave my dad his presents. He made us pancakes. (I definitely ate too much today... but tommorow is monday so itll be easier to restrict)

We are, watched youtube, then we drove to Wabuman Lake. Idk,, the drive was just that: a typical car ride in which I struggle to find "car friendly" songs, aka songs that everyone will like... aka anything but metal and vocaloid... aka Radiohead, Weezer and Soda Stereo XD

When we got there, we rented a yellow paddleboat, which is this clunky plastic boat that you pedal to move, like some weird water bicycle. It was sunny, and honestly? I've always found being on the water to be calming. After that, we got ice cream (I got Blueberry Cheesecake flavour, my sister R got Cookies N Cream, and my dad got Burgundy Cherry)

I noted that there were at least 2 historical buildings there, along with... I forgot what I was gonna say. Nothing important.

Oh yeah, lots of cool old shiny cars.

We drove back. Got home, exhausted. I cleaned a bit. Idk. Didnt do much until after supper. Since we had fast food for lunch, we only ate a piece of bread and fruit smoothies for supper. We went out, I got a monster XD even tho my parents told me not to...

I got home, took a shower. While I was in the shower my dad got pissed at me for eating some of his chocolate but HE WAS SO SO SO MAD I was thinking to myself he cant be this mad over some choclate but you never know with my parents... they kinda hate me but also dont at the same time it's weird and hard to navigate.

Anwyays when I went downstairs he just. Seemed to have forgotten it ever existed and I mean, if he didnt mention it I wasn't gonna either. I did some homework then "went to sleep" aka went to my room, turned off the light, and pretended to sleep but actually talked to people online

People keep inviting me to hang out with them and I just hope my parents say yes to it all...

My friend Bee on Tuesday, Jay on Wednesday, on Saturday a group picnic...

If they say no to any of this I'll cry /hj

My talk with Jay tonight: I want to fuck him again RIGHT NOW. GET IN MY FUCKINF BED. RIGHT NOWWWW ugh. But also I noticed that since I explained one of my tone tags to him... HE USED ONE IN CONVO WITH ME. And idk. That made me so happy? I dont  know. I like how he proves consistently and constantly that he CARES about being considerate and cares about me.

That's a lot of the letter C but yeah.

And he said at some point that he missed

My body... and my shitty nerd gaming stuff and like. Omg he LIKES MY INTERESTS. I DIDNT BORE HIM TALKING ABOUT COMIC BOOKS AND VIDEO GAMES! SCORE. also he said he'd be down to cuddle without fucking which is. Great too... since I'm touchstarved and well... I call him Daddy. Nuff said.

As for Star... sometimes she just says shit that concerns me like it's nothing and I never know how to respond because I cant help her! I'm not a fucking mental health professional.

... when I told her mY shit she wasnt one either... why do I even try n help. Why dont I just tell her to go to therapy?

I'm angry at her a bit actually. She says shit like "haha just purged" and I'm like.... okay??? What do u want me to say to that.

Or like,,, I NEED TONE TAGS, OKAY??? I DO. this is mainly why I'm mad. She keeps making jokes without /j and I dont register them as jokes.... or maybe they aren't jokes at all and she just says they're jokes cos I get upset.

Sometimes instead of actually telling me how she feels, she uses this emoticon and... I dont understand what shes tryna tell me. And it keeps stressing me out. Idk. I told her look I dont understand it and she said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon" and like...

She tells me all the time no ur not overreacting dont let people tell you that you are and here she is. Telling me I'm overreacting. OUCH. THAT ACTUALLY MADE ME CRY IRL. STOP INVALIDATING MY FEELINGS PLEASE.

It actually  hurt me. Like I'm fr crying right now because. Ouch. How hard is it to just put a fucking "/j" after ur words? How hard is it to... use words and explain how u feel instead of giving me a straight faced emoticon. Its frustrating.

Also she keeps saying shit like "omg ur never horny what's wrong w u omg I'm the only one with a sex drive in this relationship how come u never initiate anything I need to fuck someone maybe *sends pic of model* maybe her" which like. A) is ignoring all the times I DID initiate stuff and B) makes me feel inadequate and like. I dont know. I'm tired of feeling like I'm not enough.

:/ I cant really be mad at her for my own brain being stupid.

Why am I so stupid? How come I never understand when people are joking? How come I have these weird things I do to feel comfortable? Why do I twitch and flap my wrists? Why is my ability to sleep restricted by the amount of weight on top of me (I need lots of weight)?

Why am I the worst person ever? I'm being 100 percent serious. My brain doesnt work! It doesnt. My emotions are too strong. They fuck everything up. I hate myself. Like, when Star said "I'm tired of this Jude, it's a fucking emoticon", I started crying. But when Jay said "I always want you to feel comfortable around me", I immediately felt such love toward him and I told him I love you... but I had to say it was as friends. Cos we have a "friends with benefits" thing going on... not even an actual relationship.

Well now I'm sad that he doesnt like me romantically but whatever. Hes too perfect and sweet anywayssss he deserves better than me.

Wait. Where does that leave me?

Alone? Again?

Alone?

ALONE????

Maybe I deserve it... but I actually genuinely cant live like that. I cant. I cant live. Without love. My parents fucked me up like that 🤪

But also I realized that I'm a lot happier in good relationships where people show me they love me and care about me and such.

FUCK JAY JUST TOLD ME HOW MUCH HE LIKES ME... even if it's just as a friendship thing.... I appreciate it so much. Hes so fucking sweet it hurts. I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM I LOVE HIM SO SO MUCH. he told me, our sex can be rough but our relationship has to be built off trust and respect... LITERALLY FUCK ME RIGHT NOW.

Update we are now officially "best friends forever" but we also kiss and fuck and cuddle okay. That's a thing. I LOVE HIM. it's okay though. I don't know I said yeah let's be bffs then I physcially cringed. It's okay though. I'll be fine. It functions as a sexy romance thing anwyays.

I love him so much. Hes the best. Fucking hell. Hes the kindest person ever.

Also can Star please stop fucking with me. She said she'd stop using the emoticon and I said "thanks" and then she used a weird emoji to react to my thanks because she wanted to "acknowledge that she read my message without liking it".... oh so you dont like it??? What??? I said "okay" and she was like "yikes, you upset?" And I said idk cos I am but whatever and she USED ANOTHER SFUPID DUCKINF EMOTICON THAT I DONT UNDERSTAND WITH THE WORD OKAY OMFG. OMFG. PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THAT MEANDS. OH MY GODDDD. I'm angry.

Fucking hell. I just wish... whatever.

If Jay liked me ROMANTICALLY as well...  perfect life.

Whatever.

My parents have fucked me up really badly. I know so. Today I saw a comic where a kid started crying while getting yelled at and their mom HUGGED THEM. Omfg. If I cry when my parents yell at me they just yell more. The best thing I can do is stay quiet. Fucking hell. Fuck. I wish I got hugged. When I was upset.

Its 1:03 am. Fuck all this emotional turmoil I'm SLEEPING. Fuck this. FUCK MY PARENTS, FUCK STAR, FUCK MOVING AND FUCK SCHOOL. And FUCK STAR.

[teddy-the-queer-wizard]

sent an email to my drug shrink so at least i did that like i said i would

im probably overreacting.  but things are getting hard. Its been this way for a while actually - i tried talking to dr slick about it but I discounted what i was saying even though in retrospect its clear this is what it was. I'm. 

i dont want to say depressed because ive been worse. Ive been capital D depressed and Ive been helpless and useless with it and not given a damn or maybe cared so much it swalllowed me whole. 

but i mean i dont want to do anything. nothings fun anymore or has been fun for months. and like i try and do things because i want to want to do them. i know i enjoy these things but I either go through the motions or just stop frustrated and bored. or irritated. even reading which is my one true love and escape i have to force myself to focus and find myself skimming at best. 

the whole reason i bring this up is this past weekish. its like. ive been building up toxen in my system and no way to let it out. and now its like my body's asleep and moving is pins and needles. distant static not intense just hard to want to move through. and. wednesday i thought about throwing myself down some stairs so hard i got light headed at work. not to kill myself just... just to get hurt bad enough i wouldn't have to go anymore because i dont want to do this anymore, i dont want to do anything anymore. like i keep thinking im lazy so lazy because its work but its not just work - work is just the only thing i really do. i stayed home two days after that and i feel like im just going to have to keep forcing myself through the motions and its not going to get easier and at some point ill go back to being that lump who just wanted to lay there and wait to die. 

ive got a trip coming at the end of September to visit my friend in Pennsylvania.  And thats not that far away. but i dont feel like ill have a job then or even want to go because whats the point. and even if i do go im not going to be any fun to be around. i just want to sleep. which. i wanted to go on this trip. i wanted to see my friend and make plans for the future and moving and its five weeks away and instead of feeling like i just need to hold on until that long and itll be okay i feel like giving up. on everything. all of the time. its stupid. 

i think the medication helps because i havent had a breakdown. even wednesday. i just got. concerned. because i dont have the greatest track record with impulse control when it comes to hurting myself to get out of things. but i actually told people what i was thinking so i wont do it because then it cant just be a stupid accident anymore. 

and i know it sounds lame but ive got people telling me I'm not usually lazy. i care about my job usually too much. ive had several people tell me i need to talk to you, and say it may be the medication... i wanted to stop taking it so i could have a breakdown so i could believe theres something actually wrong with me that can be fixed and im not just being stupid and lazy but those same people pointed out fucking with my meds is a bad idea for many reasons and i listened to them. 

do you think there is a chance its the meds? or that there is something wrong with me. i haven't followed up with the shrink yet, i know i need to but even i dont believe me and im already going through the motions trying to push through and im afriad thats all anyone can tell me to do and that's just. not enough right now and hasn't been enough for a while. 

im sorry to bother and i really appreciate your time and consideration. 

pity party sounding pos but its sent and i did it and im.... well not proud of me. just tired. id like to stop being tired

[the-walnut]

Night Vale + Scientists

Alrighty, I’m relatively new to this fandom and all, so I’m not entirely sure how well this actually coincides with canon and whatnot, but I’m going to feel free to vocalize this anyway.

We all know from relatively early on in this particularly lovely podcast that Carlos the “Perfectly Imperfect” Scientist has an unrivalled passion for the unexplained. The idea of mystery drives him crazy, and he chases blindly after anything that doesn’t have a feasible answer, that can’t be understood, that seems far too beyond human comprehension to decode- a trait that, I will argue to my last dying breath, is part of why he fell head-over-kettle in love with Cecil Palmer, perhaps the most mysterious and unexplainable character in the show, and the first impossible riddle he wasn’t hell-bent on solving

Cecil, though, is the exact opposite of his counterpart. See, Cecil’s job is announcing the happenings of Night Vale, not analyzing them. When something occurs out of the ordinary, he doesn’t always need a ‘why’- in fact, in most regards, Cecil’s pretty content to just have a general grasp of what’s going on or what to expect from something and roll with the punches. Animal carcasses raining from the sky? Don’t panic, just get a stronger umbrella. The sun didn’t rise today? You know, that happens sometimes. It’ll pass!

It makes sense, in this fashion, for the fandom to naturally come to the conclusion that Cecil is terrible when it comes to science. I’ve seen a lot of posts and fanart about the worst accidents in the lab being Cecil’s doing, and while they’re amusing, I have another perspective to bring to the metaphorical table.

What we often seem to forget is that, while Carlos always seems to come to the right conclusions at the right times, and make sense of an insensible world, he’s still an Outsider. Night Vale is a curious thing to most of its occupants, let alone an individual who wasn’t born and raised there. There’s a lot of stuff about this one unique speck in the desert that even Carlos doesn’t know anything about, and I have no doubt in my mind that it would hinder him sometimes.

So instead, in the early stages of their relationship, I can imagine Cecil waking up to a call from a frustrated Carlos, going off on an absolute venting tangent from the lab at 4:37 A.M. And at first, it’s a bit of a shock to both of them because, well, from Cecil’s end it is 4:37 A.M. on a Wednesday, and he’s talking particle theory with a man who probably should’ve tried getting some sleep three days ago at the rate he���s going, but all the other members of Carlos’ team have long since gone home, and he usually finds it helpful to go step-by-step through his experiments vocally to catch any mistakes or hash out new ideas.

After at least a full forty-five minutes of Carlos rambling into the phone about how the molecular bonding of this solution shouldn’t be even remotely close to what it is, and that he can’t understand why it keeps giving off such staggeringly different temperatures with each batch he makes, Cecil (getting over his initial surprise that Carlos is calling him of all people) gently reminds him that maybe he’d best rest and think about it again with a clear head.

“Try some of that raspberry oolong Intern Stephen dropped off earlier this week,” He suggests brightly, explaining that it’s supposed to help with clarity and that the crushed beetle wings in the mixture hardly throw off the taste at all. “And remember to whisper a compliment to the water before you try to boil it- it can get fussy otherwise, you know. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve forgotten and wound up with a solid block of ice in my kettle or, worse, the kettle itself melting all over the countertop. Terrible to get out of the carpet later in that case, but as long as you’re cordial, it should boil nicely for you.”

And at first, there’s dead silence on the other end of the line, before Cecil can hear Carlos scrambling to make a note on this development, because of course he wasn’t whispering anything to the water he’d used in his experiment, and that’s probably the reason for 74% of the problems he’s come across so far.

It doesn’t take long for this to become a normal occurrence, Carlos calling in regularly with all kinds of questions and, as before, just needing to talk through something, Cecil offering advice on how to handle certain stuff, or even just talking a while about the things Carlos is working with. More often than not, this leads to some kind of revelation, because while Cecil might not understand the science behind why glass stirring rods need to be used only in a clockwise direction, he at least knows that they just do, and that’s what Carlos needs.

Eventually, this extends to the rest of the lab crew as well, because, yes, they might be Night Vale residents, but there’s a pretty large chunk of information about their town that even they are missing. With how quickly things can come up or change in their spooky little town, it can be impossible to keep track of everything on one’s own. Tentatively at first, but with growing speed, the other scientists begin asking for advice and extra help with info as well. 

Catching on to the trend, a new addition makes its way into Cecil’s radio show, where, every day, scientists can send in questions for the citizens of Night Vale, and they can respond accordingly, offering insight. If nothing else, it serves as a reminder to those listening in on the broadcast that their scientists don’t miraculously have the answers to everything, and that the downside to having the entire population of your city looking to you for those answers is sometimes not having any.

Even those who don’t have knowledge to offer find ways to help. Scientists return home, weary beyond measure from saving their friends and family from yet another disaster, only to find the lights already dimmed and welcoming, old takeout containers thrown away, and bed made. There’s a note on the table that would be eery and concerning, were it not for the sensation that there had always been a presence in their home, and, if nothing else, this only confirms one of their many hypothesises, setting another theory down to rest. Creatures (that definitely are not angels) appear in the lab every now and then, bringing with them a smiling old woman, and several Big Rico’s pizza boxes, cases of bottled water, and bundles of grapes. Nobody knows why grapes in particular. Maybe the not-angels have an affinity for them. Either way, the mandatory snack break is welcomed by many. Secret police mutter helpful tips from bushes under open windows, and, despite books being banned, once in a blue moon a torn-out page from some volume makes it’s way onto a given scientist’s lab table, curating many more questions, and causing many to reevaluate their perceptions of the harrowing librarians, the hooded figures who show no fear of them, and the public library itself.

Night Vale is a place of mystery and intrigue and danger- but it is also a place of people bonded by experience and survival. It’s a place called “home” by many, even if they do not necessarily understand it, and these are the people who save this city by supporting discovery in their own little ways. Night Vale loves its scientists, and it will do what it can to help them understand it even a little bit more.

[steen-to-live-life]

Our feature walls are painted and I love the colour. Cant wait to make it our own. It's all coming together! We caught up with dad today and saw Grandad and he loved to see our Morocco photos. His asthma was really bad today. Could hear him struggling :(

Still so many things to sort before we can move in.. plumbing in the driveway isn't right and needs fixing before driveway pour, also need fiber connected and underground before pour, finalise power/internet connection, need to decide on the driveway gate and get that installed, get in contact with insurance to finalise, cancel old insurance, cancel storage shed, valuation for the bank, organise landscape man etc etc.... I can see what I'll be doing in my morning tea breaks haha.

I have Joel's cold.. Its been coming for a week and today I'm full of sneezes, headachy and I want to sleep. I bet itll be bad on Wednesday, strike day, and I wont be able to make the most of the day off. I have plans of packing up our shit in Mums garage and finishing school work so I can have a school work free weekend to enjoy our house.

My mums amazing. Shes brought so many grocery items for our new house to help us out. Weve decided to get her a pamper voucher as a thanks for having us stay and helping us so much. I went to a quiz night with her and her friends on Friday night and I was exhausted. But I answered a few questions right haha.

Last night we talked about babies (because Nicola is cramping and what if shes pregnant. Ommmgg!!!) At the end of my 3.5 pill packets J is going to go to the doctor and find out if he can get his sperm checked and if its bad news we will hopefully be able to go on the IVF waiting list. Otherwise, if all is well (and I have a permanent job for 2020) we will begin ttc in the New Year, and use other forms on contraception till then. Crazy!

I have a fair amount of school work I need to do, but my brain is foggy and so I might go pack some of the garage instead. Games night last night went well.. I think lauren and her fiance enjoyed it, and they live in the town we are building in, so hopefully we can have them around more often.

Time to go and do one of the 100000 things I should do. Also should prob walk the dog too. Poor puppy

[lukois]

wednesdays r my longest days and i have one 1 hour break and another 1 1/2 hour break so instead of just sitting waiting for my next class i decided to explore the neighbourhoods around my school. i found out theres a nature walk like 10 mins from the school?? its a preserved area for wildlife and also has a path next to a river. it was so blessed i bet itll look real pretty in spring when wildflowers pop up

[dogstarblues]

been in a downward spiral ed-wise, gut-health-wise, emotionally, psychosis-wise, chronic fatigue-wise since wednesday night and now i wanna fucking d*e 🙄 this is. annoying. ive had three fucking flare-ups from different disorders in succession. four if you count the psychotic episode yesterday. i was doing really well. i mean. ill finally have something to talk about in therapy for the first time in months instead of it being a 20 min recap of all my progress on upcoming projects so.

but im coping in the healthiest way i know how. which is to sleep away the bad feelings. im not smoking or drinking or taking morphine or muscle relaxers or anything. just dosing myself with valerian to sleep. ill be alright. this is just. ive taken 12 steps back but healing isnt linear blah blah blah. its fine. tomorrow will be better. just have to hold out til therapy. maybe do some ART or EMDR. itll be okay.

[mineano]

if youre my girlfriend you cant read this because itll spoil things

aaaaaaaaa the proposal is on saturday, so i have less than a week and thats super exciting, but it was exciting when i had just 2 weeks up until that week started. every week, just generally, feels slow at the beginning and by the end it's hard to believe its already time for another one. its especially hard right now when i keep getting excited to have just X more weeks to go and then monday, tuesday, even wednesday night at work im like "eughhghg this week is taking FOREVER." it also winds me up to have stuff i need to do, stuff i know all the details to do, and simply have to wait- things like packing to go home. i cant just pack my toothbrush, i have to brush my teeth this week. i cant assemble the bouquet or buy breakfast ingredients for her because the flowers will wilt and itd be silly to take sour cream with me 140 miles over state lines when she lives 5 minutes from the store. i cant cut my hair now or the fuzzy texture will have softened by saturday. i cant paint my nails, covering up their flaky weakness so they look okay next to her professional manicure, because theres still a week for my polish to chip. instead of doing anything i have to keep walking myself through the itinerary i have for the final 48 hours- various bodily grooming tasks, when ill get on the first train, when ill get on the second, how much time will i have to kill at potbelly, pick up those groceries, assess the pantry and see if i need any other groceries, go to the other store, get the flowers, run home and arrange them myself, change into the outfit, go get her or- more torturously- wait for nails to be done, 43 minutes of walking not including shopping. museum, hope the restaurant isnt too crowded, i vibe out dessert day-of, home, breakfast in the morning, spa day, lunch, thank you gifts. is the museum silly? i have booked tickets already. im gonna be too nervous to eat that day. i have to practice when i get home so i can open the box correctly- i dont want to show her the ring upside down. im gonna cry in my mask and get all snotty so im proposing just before we leave the place, that way i can get out there and take off my mask and blow my nose. i have a full 24 hours of proposal planned for 6 days from now and im still not sure whether its enough, but i have to watch myself to make sure its not too much. i have never cooked bacon before. i hope the ring still fits. monday will be busy and over before i know it. tuesday will be slow but maybe this will encourage me to go to sleep sooner. wednesday will be almost as fast as monday but i will have to work with someone im not excited to see. thursday i will be humming with energy, another slow schedule, but i will be cutting my hair and packing more and more, although it is unlikely i will be able to give up my backpack until after my evening class. friday i will have breakfast, perhaps lunch, do the last of my packing, and my brother will pick me up on his was home. i will do laundry. on saturday i will wake up, i will wash, i will put on one outfit that i do not intent to keep on. i will make sure i have the ring. i will have the ring. i will leave at 10:30. i will have ridden two trains by 12:45. i will be there. further events are outlined above.

[until-the-joy-drops-again]

Phone call (chapter 1)

I had that itch. That itch that drives you completely insane because it's not physical, so you cant scratch it. It's the one that starts in the back of your brain and travels down to your stomach. That itch of the past you just cant relieve.

I thought about her a lot. How could I not? She was imprinted on my soul. The one that "got away," because I'm a stupid fool and instead of trying to cross the distance of time to get her back, I just let more time get I the way. Making it worse and worse...

Just then, my phone rang. I glanced down and almost choked on my beer. Delaware?!?! There was no way... I just stared at the phone, not knowing if I could actually answer it or not. Luckily, my heart took over, grabbed the phone and hit the talk button.

"Hello?"

"Adam! It's trevor walker."

I let out a sigh of relief and disappointment all at once, "oh hey man, what's up?"

"Adrien said you're in LA?"

"Uh, yeah.... yeah, bands on break for a little while, I'm home-" he cut me off.

"Good! We got you a flight out tomorrow morning, we'll pick you up in philly tomorrow evening! We have band practice Wednesday at 3pm."

I waited a beat for him to go on, but we both know he didnt need to.

"Trev i--," but he cut me off again.

"Delta, flight 752, leaves at 10:05, concourse d, better get there by 6...and she doesnt know we did this... see you tomorrow!" And the line cut out.

I pulled my phone away from my ear and stared at it for a minute. Obviously I wasnt going to go, i had heard she had gotten married about 18 months ago (why did i know that's how long it had been?) So... could i go back to being "just" friends? I mean, we had ALWAYS been "just" friends but...

The pain in my chest made me physically grab at it as I doubled over, dropping my phone. I felt tears stinging my eyes and had to gasp for air. The pain was incredible as I realized part of my brain had grasped onto the hope of seeing her again. I tried to take a slow deep breath but it shuttered in my lungs. I found myself rocking as I tried to calm myself down

There was nothing left I could do about her. The time and distance had grown too big. There was no hope left.

My phone pinged with a text message. I looked at it, it was trevor... I opened it and it was a link to s webpage. Confused, I pushed it and it took me to the local delaware page, to the divorce announcements. I frowned as I glanced over the page till my eyes fell on her name. I gasped. She got divorced! I looked at the top of the page, it was 4 months old.

I just sat there, my mind racing... trevor and those guys were a lot of things, but they never fucked around. If they were calling, getting a plane ticket and texting... I knew it was my best chance to fix this.

I absentmindedly stood up and started pacing around the room. I tossed my phone back on the couch and ran my hands over my head and neck, trying to help my brain put my thoughts in some sort of order.

Why didnt she know- but I knew the answer. Cause I'm a fucking moron and they weren't going to put her through anything else if I didnt show. And although that realization stabbed at my heart, it gave me a sliver of hope, that she might care if I didnt show...

My brain fucked with me then and somehow made me smell her then, for half a second. The smell of lavendar mixed with a little menthol cigarette smoke and sandalwood. The pang of longing I felt made me clutch at my stomach. And I turned towards my bedroom and started throwing shit in my carry on bag.

A vision of her face floated in front of my eyes. I still remembered every detail of her face, and then I focused on her eyes. I shut my eyes to bring the memory into clearer focus. Those beautiful hazel eyes. Before I knew what I was doing I was rushing back out to the livingroom and grabbing my phone. With shaking hands it took me a few tries to get into my music writing app and copy the right file. I pulled up trevor's text message, attached the file and hit send before I could second guess myself. I tossed the phone back on the couch but immediately picked it back up. I pushed some more buttons and then her face was ACTUALLY in front of me.

It was my absolutely most favorite picture I had ever owned. To the point of it being creepy, I laughed at myself. I had to saved probably 100 times in different places so I would always have it. We were younger in the photo, taken in New York during one of my tours about 4 years ago. We were walking back to the hotel, it must have been like four o'clock in the morning. Adrien had had his camera on him and wanted to get a photo of us in a crosswalk. We all thought he was an idiot... I smiled at the memory.

We had all been drinking, but we weren't hammered. We definitely shouldn't have driven a car, but we weren't staggering around and slurring... adrien was hoping around us trying to convince us to stand in the crosswalk. "Dude, do you WANT us to die?" She had asked him, laughing.

"Itll be quick! Look, there is barely any traffic or people... itll be perfect!"

"So we are all just going to..what? Like abbey road it?" I had asked, the vision of it made me laugh.

"No, just you two," he pointed at her and I, he had said it so matter of fact it caught me off guard. I turned to him, but he had already turned his attention to her, grabbing at her sleeve, hoping up and down again.

She burst out laughing, it was so easy and so pure and happy it made me smile.

"Okay...okay!!!!" She yelled at him, smiling, before she turned to me.

My stomach clenched as I remembered her turning to me then. She was just so God dammed beautiful, it was like she was just floating there on the street, the way she turned her whole body towards me so she was walking backwards down the street. Her mane of blonde hair bouncing as she moved, the sparkle of light and mischief in her eyes...she just took my breathe away. All I could do was nod at her.

"Yes!!!" Adrien jumped into the air and pumped his fist. "Ok, will the rest of you block any people from walking through? I'll set my camera up now so it can be quick. He started fussing with it as we walked. He took a few practise shots of the traffic, adjusting before taking another one. Finally he looked up, "perfect! Let's go!"

Adrien looked around him as we walked, he looked up at the street signs and pointed to our right, "this way!" He stopped at the crosswalk.

"So, this one?" She asked him as we all waited for the light to change.

"No, I want a little more traffic, we will go up a few streets..." so we did. Finally Adrien said, "this one!" And startedbouncing on the balls of his feet.

"So,how should we pose?" I looked down at her standing next to me.

"Let's see where the moment takes us," she smiled with her whole body, taking my arm.

There was still some traffic on this street as our light changed. Cars lined up behind the crosswalk and Sam, Dan and Paul ran out into the street to block any pedestrians crossing towards us. Adrien darted out into the empty right side of the street and crouched down as she pulled me into the crosswalk.

God she was really gorgeous. I laughed at her and grabbed her arm and spun her like a ballerina as I heard her laugh. I caught her with my right arm around her waist and my left hand between her shoulder blades. And I dipped us.

I felt her left leg come up to my hip as I leaned us both down. Her face just inches from mine, her hair falling back and downwards, covering my left hand. She was still laughing but when our eyes met her laugh softened, her eyes sparkled even more. I smiled at her, an easy smile I had no control over. I moved my face just a little closer and I saw the desire in her eyes as she quickly glanced at my lips. Our noses were just about to touch when...

"Yes!!!! Oh my God yes!!! That was AMAZING!"

Scared the hell out of me and I almost dropped her as I turned to look at him completely surprised.i had totally forgotten what we were actually doing. I looked back at her as I helped her up, I heard a car horn and saw our light was changing. I gave her a small push and we ran the rest of the way across the street.

As I looked at the photo in my livingroom, it really was "AMAZING." The headlights of the cars behind us made us glow almost, everything else was dark. He had taken it right st the moment when I was going to kiss her. Our faces close together, our smiles were loose and full. Her leg cocked up, her knee on my hip, her hair tumbling down behind her. I didnt look to bad either, holding her up and bending over her.

I kicked myself, if I had just fucking kissed her...if not right then, then later that night...or any time in the next 3 months, before my agent came at me with the marriage proposal... but I never did... and now, here I am, in this empty condo, trying to put my life back together after my idiotic ideas i had to get famous.

How the fuck was I supposed to sleep tonight?