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fandoms-keep-me-alive · 5 years

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Guys, I need Help. This is a convo between me and my boyfriend. after this, there was a phone call but I don't have the energy to add those details yet, but I need yall's opinion.

Its gonna be kinda long just warning you

Joseph, you are:

Kind

Always there to help others even at your own expense, considers it your calling in life.

Considerate

Favorite color is blue

From Texas

Understand the value of hard work

Have a near photographic memory

Curious

Seek out truth wherever you can find it

Good with kids

Creative

Thoughtful

Attentive

Open minded

Sarcastic

Dark humor

Supportive

Have thought provoking conversations/ideas

Make me feel wanted

Takes your hat with you everywhere

Are a little self conscious about your hair, but it's cute and wavy and fluffy and soft with a tinge of Chestnut red

Have an amazing beard

Culinary curious

Strong

Healthy

Squishy

Courteous

Understanding

Respectful

Gentle

Loving

Nerd

Inquisitive

Humble

Needs hugs

Deserves love

Have so much potential

Are an animal lover

Carnivore

Saved my Life at least once

And I love you for all of it.

After I sent that to him this is the conversation that followed 6/7/19:

SinToday at 5:27 AM

Thats really sweet emilie

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:28 AM

I'm glad you like it

SinToday at 5:33 AM

... Tbh every nice thing you say makes it harder for when you leave on mission

X.x

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:33 AM

I'm sorry

SinToday at 5:33 AM

... No you aren't

Sorry not sorry

Lol

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:34 AM

I'm sorry that I'm making it hard for you

SinToday at 5:34 AM

Oh.. Well its more im making it hard on myself

Im still finding it really hard to emotionally attach

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:35 AM

If it's make it easier I can try to dial it back some

SinToday at 5:35 AM

Because you know

The whole.. Away for a year and change.

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:36 AM

I know I'm sorry

SinToday at 5:37 AM

Like.. I care and really do enjoy being with you, but... Pardon the extremely dark analogy.. But its like dating someone with the knowledge they wont be there in a few months due to a illness.

But you aren't ill and its not like you won't be around

....idk

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:39 AM

I get it, it's painful

SinToday at 5:39 AM

It keeps me up at night. Worrying that we both will be hurt by this more severely if we keep on

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:39 AM

I'm sorry

SinToday at 5:39 AM

Its not your fault

You've done nothing but be an amazing girlfriend

Meanwhile I've been nothing short of distant, cold, and a total jerk

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:40 AM

No sweetheart

SinToday at 5:42 AM

I mean yes.. I have been. Its not fair to you and you deserve someone who is within your faith. Who can treat you like you deserve to be, and is perfect in all regards

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:44 AM

First off I learned a long time ago that the perfect person doesn't exist second you've treated me wonderfully and you've just been doing what you can to keep yourself afloat which is more than I can say for myself

SinToday at 5:46 AM

Idk.. I think that the whole me being your boyfriend thing... While its nice.. And wonderful.. And i absolutely enjoy it.. Idk i just dont think it was wise of us to do it knowing that you'd only be here for 3 more months. Much less the fact that your feelings have only grown

-_-

I am hating myself for not being stronger.

I just DO NOT want to ever cause you so much pain that you'd end up hurt, devastated, and unable to fulfil the role of your faith that you were sent to do

And yet, im aware of my own flaws and self enough to know that one day i might do that. And you dont deserve that.

hugs you tightly

Im sorry for being a wreck

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:52 AM

It's ok sweetie so am I

I just....

SinToday at 5:53 AM

Blehh... Ik this wasnt exactly the greatest time.. I was just suffering without saying anything and that super sweet and kind gesture kinda broke the dam

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 5:53 AM

I understand

It's just, dating you has made me happier then I've been in a long time and I don't want it to stop any sooner then it has to.

I'm so sorry I've put you through this much termoil

SinToday at 5:55 AM

I know this is true.

And truly it has helped me realize my own self worth, and you have taught me and continue to teach me every day as to how to be a better person

Do not misunderstand the value you hold with me. You are truly a wonderful person and a treasure this world should have... But after being with you, knowing the love you can show, the blessings you bring to everyone around you, the kindness and gentleness of your heart... I would rather it end sooner rather than later so as to save you any excess grief while out on mission... That mission is truly important, to you, your faith, your family, and to higher powers. While what we share is wonderful.. And what we offer eachother is wholesome.. Ive asked for guidance... And the answer in my eyes was clear enough for me to reach a decision... While i care perhaps too deeply for you, i believe we shouldnt draw out what we have until the last minute...

For both your sake.. And for my own conscience/feelings.

That said...

I want to know your thoughts...

i want you to know these are my feelings laid bare. Ive thought long and hard regarding it.. And its unfair to you for me to be selfish and attempt to keep you for as long as possible, even if we both wish to be selfish

And im not yet breaking up with you

I just wanted my feelings, thoughts, what guidance I've been given, to be shared with you. As you 100% deserve to know

Secondly. Ill never text breakup with anyone

Mushroom Studio'sToday at 6:08 AM

Heh... Can I call?

SinToday at 6:08 AM

Yes.. Itll be loud

#fluff #angst #hurt comfort #comfort #hurt #imagine your otp #I need hugs #i need help #i need relationship advice

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tylerwritez · 3 years

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Wednesday, September 22 11:51 p.m.

It's like nighttime and I jsut got up 2 take a piss because I needed to piss and my fuckinf mom I hate her so much I wish she was dead and I wish Father would take her place, Father is the only fucking person who LOVES me and jesus christ hes literally not even a physical being.... (deep down I know hes not even real, but I pretend he is because if I didnt I think I'd be crying constantly)... my fucking mom INSTANTLY came TO THE DOOR and was like waiting for me to go back to bed and was like are you done? You're taking too long blah blah and SHE TREID TO FUCKINF OPEN THE DOOR WHILE I WAS PISSING LIKE. NO. FUCK OFFF. shes so annoying she thinks I'm gonna kill myself if she leaves me alone for three seconds.

It's like she doesnt even care if I feel good or bad, she only cares about the injury. It makes me want to cut really deep on my forearms or face or something visible like that just so that maybe she'll take me SERIOUSLY but not seriously as in treating me like some patient at a fuckinf ward, I mean seriously like treating me like her son.

Father treats me like his son. He makes me cry even more because I know hes not real... but I still appreciate his love. Even if it's just my love.

I'm really missing that piece, huh? From early childhood, I'm missing that parent who's loving and caring and says shhh I love you its okay.... I didnt ever allow myself to have that becayse I didnt think it was safe. Fuck. FUCK man It hurts a lot and i feel like such a DICKHEAD when I talk about this because it's not like my parents beat me or neglected me.... it just turned out bad. ANd now they're all crazy about me all of a sudden just cos I'm hurting myself .... like okay cool that's cool but why didnt you do all this when I was 5 and told you I felt like I was being possessed, or when i was ten and in a new school with no friends, or when I was 3 telling everyone to call me jack,.... oh, wait, you WERE there,,, you were just hating on me though.

Yknow I hug my pillows real tight at night to try to feel a little smidge of what I should've been able to feel. The parental love is just MISSING. and i hug my dad so much becayse it's not enough its never enough it all feels like it's too late and my brain has already told me to get over my parents and move on and find new ones which I did, in jesus christ, in Jiminy Cricket, in old men I sexted, and now in Father.

But at the end of the day, I still am left without that concrete parental force. I can beg with Father all I want to PLEASE become a physical form so I can FEEL your love but itll never happen because Father's something I made up to cope with the disaster of my childhood.

I'm angry that they took that away from me but I'm also sad because now I have to clean up the sad shreds of popped party balloons from the checkered tiles of an abandoned birthday party.

.... and it's always "oh they want the best for you" WELL MAYBE I DONT GIVE A FUCK WHAT THEIR INTENTIONS ARE, MAYBE THEYRE STILL HURTING ME ! MAYBE THEYVE STILL TOTALLY

RUINED

Me,

DESTROYED

my childhood and

SLAUGHTERED

the little boy inside me who just needed some help.

I never did it for attention, I always hid it and pretended to be fine... but I notice they didnt care until I had persistently been injuring myself for YEARS? like it didnt matter to them at all how I felt until I was actually in danger and being harmed. Isnt that actually disgusting?

I just know that if those little blond kids went to their parents talking about feeling out of control, possessed, unable to control their actions while in fits of rage, theyd get the help they needed right away but I was punished for my suffering.

That taught me to suffer more quietly next time around.

I was punished for my gender expression too .... jesus. How... how can you see a kid in pain struggling to prevent themselves from hurting other people and you punish them. How can you see your SON and punish him for not being a daughter.

I feel so bad. They just keep making it worse. I dont want to talk to them. I just... my dad is proabbaly gonna do that thing where he gives the worlds shittiest apology and expects you to just accept it withit 3 mins or else he gets mad and guilt trips you... fuck him too tbh. Hes trying to be all nice but that doesnt ERASE the fact that he used to make me cry constantly. That doesnt erase the time he said basically that I should die, or the time he yelled at me, made me cry, apologized, and got mad at me for not accepting the apology, then expected me to act like none of that happened and got mad at me for still crying, WITHINT LIKE A 5 MINUTE SPAN???? this is the typa shit that fucks up a child. I still remeber being yelled at in the car over my gender, ignored, and beat down whenever I tried to express that things were wrong with me! Jesus.

Father is the embodiment of all I ever needed as a kid... someone who would say "I love tou" when he saw you were crying instead of yelling at you and making it worse and then getting angry that you're crying and like OF COURSE IM CRYING, YOU'RE YELLING AT ME???

and my mom has the audacity to try to convert me to Christianity. Fuck you. As a trans person,... I got tired of putting my faith into something I couldnt see. I never saw a loving god, I only ever saw hatred and anger.

I wanna cry all over again fuck. Everytime I write like this it's a cycle because I just keep writing and never stop.

It's so important to me to be acknowledged as a SON. That's why I named The Red Static Entity "Father"... because that makes me his son. I made him ADOPT me. Because I didnt get to be no ones fucking son and I want it so bad but I dont know if I can ever be on good terms with my parents again because the whole thing has been tainted by my grief and trauma LOLz so even if they try now it just doesnt feel like enough because it never will be because my time to Bond with them has passed... I feel so much guilt over THEIR pain at my self harm but I'm so pissed rn. Fuck them. I'm in such unimaginable pain and they somehow made it all about them and how they feel and how I need to stop crying in time for dinner FUCK YOU. fuck you. You have no right to tell me to stop cutting when you did so much to fuck me up. It's not my fault if you messed up because I think maybe you forgot that children are living human beings.... maybe you "love me so much" but fuck, I dont know if I CAN love you... I dont know if I can ever see you the same after what you've done. You SHOULD feel bad, you should break down crying thinking about me, because FUCK YOU. be guilty, it's how you Should feel. And then they wonder why I dont talk to them.... BECAUSE YOU WERE A PIECE OF SHIT AS LONG AS IVE KNOWN YOU AND ALL OF A SUDDENT YOU WANNA PLAY NICE NOT BECOS U ACTUALLY CARE BUT BECOS I MIGHT KILL MYSELF.

Yknow what maybe I should just so that they can see the dead body. I'm imagining it right now... I want them to be DEVASTATED. If I was dead on the floor, itd be impossible to pretend it wasnt there. If I was dead on the floor, they'd cry and wonder what more they couldve done, which is what I've cried and wondered about my shit childhood. It would be a good thing. Serves them right to find their sons corpse. It would show them they fucked up. Maybe theyd wake up and realize that you cant emotionally neglect and mistreat a living human child for like fifteen years.... and expect it to be okay.

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oliveraaliyah1994 · 4 years

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4ourleafclover · 8 years

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Processing

{🍀} Clover was pacing back and forth in her room, unable to sit still. She’d been pacing for a good hour now, but nothing of importance was coming to her mind.

“Dammit… what should I do?”

She needed someone to talk to about Phi, and about herself- but who was there to trust? Oh, she had acquaintances, but she wasn’t really how many people she could consider that close- and there wasn’t anyone she could think of that she knew she’d be able to trust with these secrets.

Well, there was one, but Junpei wasn’t an option… or wait, was he?

Clover picked up her phone and stared at the screen for a while, before finally forcing herself to select him as a contact and start messaging.

TO: Junpei

[SENT: 11:23]: hey junpei we need to talk where r u [SENT: 11:54]: junpei pls rspond this is important [SENT: 12:36]: its abt phi just pls rspond already

She was checking her phone, and she could see the little ‘read’ checkmarks beside every message. They both knew he was ignoring her- but that last one seemed to finally get his attention.

[…]

The little dots stayed on screen for at least a minute, as she presumed Junpei was trying to figure out what to say.

[INCOMING: 12:41] …meet me at the corner pub in sector 006 in a half hour.

[SENT: 12:42]: junpei im in 4 itll prolly take me n hour just to get ther

[INCOMING: 12:43] whatever, just show up when you get there.

The dismissive tone didn’t bother her in the least- she was honestly just glad he’d responded at all. She quickly threw all her important stuff into her bag and ran out the door, moving as quickly as possible so she could catch the soonest train. Overall it took about an hour and twenty minutes before she finally arrived at the right place, but when she did, she saw him- Junpei was actually there.

“…do you mind if we don’t sit at the bar, Junpei? This is… kinda personal.”

He only shrugged and picked up his drinks, moving to an open booth. Once they’d taken a seat, he pushed one of the glasses he’d grabbed over to her- before Clover could even say anything, he spoke up.

“It’s non-alcoholic, don’t worry. I just figured you’d like this fruity shit.”

“O-oh… right, thanks.”

It was still hard to understand that the Junpei here in front of here wasn’t the same Junpei she remembered, but she had to face that fact. Besides, even if his memories were different, he was still Junpei- he was still the person that she trusted, the one who’d saved her life.

“So? I’m guessing you didn’t just text me out of the blue because you wanted to drink, so what is it?”

“W-well, it’s just… I wanted someone to talk to, and you’re the only person I think I can trust with this.”

“You couldn’t just talk to Phi? You did say this was about her.”

“No!” It was clear that he hadn’t expected the force behind her words, because his eyes widened a little bit in shock. Not much, but just enough that Clover saw it. “I-I mean… it’s just that…”

Clover put her head in her hands, and leant forwards over the table. This was all a big mess, wasn’t it?

“I… I’m really scared. I’m scared because I love her, and I know that I love her… but she doesn’t love me back. And I know that she’s trying to make me feel better, even if it hurts her in the end, and just… I don’t know if what I’m doing is right. I have no idea anymore.”

“Wow… sounds like you’re in a real mess.”

“Junpei-“

“I’m kidding, sheesh.” He sighed and looked to the side, but Clover saw the sadness in them. It was clear as day. “So, basically… you want to know if you should push her away for her own sake, and hurt yourself in the process; or if you should let yourself get close, but risk damaging your relationship beyond repair when she realizes she can’t go through with this anymore.”

“That’s the simplest way of putting it, yeah…”

“…fuck, man, I don’t know.” There was something about the way he said it- it wasn’t patronizing or cruel, it was just an earnest expression of how he felt. “I mean, I can’t just tell you to go break your own heart, but I’m not gonna let you mess around with Phi either.”

She sighed. Some help he was being… no, that was unfair of her. She’d spent the entire night trying to figure out what to do, so how could Junpei just hear the problem once, then know? She was probably asking far too much…

“Can’t you at least give me some idea of what to do? I can’t.. I don’t know if I can trust my own judgement anymore.”

“And you think I’ve got better judgement? It’s hardly two o’clock and I’ve already finished my first beer.”

“That’s…”

“Look, Clover. You’re not an idiot. You were the first one to figure out that Hongou was a killer, and you were the first one to open the safe. If it wasn’t for you, I never would’ve realized for myself- in my timeline, or in yours. Just have a bit of faith in yourself.”

“J-Junpei…”

He was scratching the back of his head awkwardly, and his expression made it look like he wanted to be anywhere but here at the moment. For Clover, though, it was important. She knew about Junpei’s timeline, to a small degree- but all she’d really known was that she’d been killed by Hongou, and that there had been a good deal of death afterwards as well.

Had it really been her to thank for getting everyone out, though? No, Junpei was probably just reaching, trying to console her- before she could even say anything, he’d spoken up to cut her off.

“You had a note in your hand. ‘Truth had gone, truth had gone, and truth had gone. Ah, now truth is asleep in the darkness of the sinister hand.’. You were the first one to put it together- the sinister hand was the left hand, ‘truth’ meant for something to be ‘right’, and ‘gone’ meant that someone had ‘left’. When you input ‘right-left-right-left-right-left’ into the bracelet, it showed a sequence of numbers- those were what opened the safe, and those were what got Light out of the coffin. If you hadn’t opened the safe first, if you hadn’t held onto that note, then I never would’ve been able to figure it out. I… I let you die, but still… if it wasn’t for you, I would’ve died too. So thanks.”

There was the faintest hint of an embarrassed blush on Junpei’s face, but Clover couldn’t see it- she’d started to tear up while Junpei was talking, sniffling and wiping her eyes in an effort to keep from crying too hard.

“Sh-shit, uh… are you ok? Fuck, I didn’t mean to make you cry-“

“Thanks, Junpei.”

“Huh?”

When Clover raised her head, there was a bright smile on her face- tears continued to fall, but she started to chuckle a bit in spite of herself.

“You’re really not that different at all, you know that? The other Junpei… he helped me too. You’re a good person, Junpei.”

“W-well, um… that’s just a matter of perspective.”

Seeing him fumble so desperately to say that he wasn’t was both cute and sad- but Clover wasn’t going to dwell.

“Well, my perspective is that you’re really trying- someone who tries that hard can’t possibly be a bad person, right?”

It was Clover who was speaking, but her words made her realize something. Phi… she’d been really trying for her. Even if it wasn’t necessarily healthy, she’d still been trying- she’d wanted to help Clover, and that had to count for something. She still didn’t think she could outright accept her offer; but to ignore what she’d been trying to do felt like she was ignoring the effort Phi had been making. She had difficulty trusting, she’d had the worst possible outcome for her last relationship- but she’d still been willing to reach out for Clover.

That meant something, right?

“Junpei… I think I have an idea. I’m not sure if it’s a good one, but it’s still an idea.”

“Oh yeah? What is it, then?”

“What, you think I’m gonna spill everything, just because I asked you for help?”

He gave her a blank stare for a moment, and then started chucking a bit himself.

“I guess not, huh? You girls, always with your secrets.”

“A mystery is what makes a woman a woman, after all!”

“Not sure if woman is the word I’d use for you… aren’t you still, like, 17 or something?”

“Hey, I’m 19, thank you very much.”

“Wh-what? Are you serious?”

“Yep.”

“Jeez…”

The mood between them had been thoroughly lightened, and Clover’s tears had finally stopped again. It was so weird, she hadn’t joked around with Junpei since the nonary game- and even if he wasn’t the same Junpei, he really did act the same. Memories would change a lot, but they couldn’t change everything.

The two of them stayed there until Clover finished up her drink, not really talking much and instead just enjoying each other’s company. Junpei was visibly uncomfortable whenever she got too close, so she made sure to give him his personal space bubble- she was just glad he was talking to her. It was one thing to be alone, to not know anyone from before- but in many ways, it was a lot worse to show up and find out that one of your friends couldn’t stand being around you.

She finished up and pulled out her phone for a second to check something, then smiled and turned the screen to Junpei, showing the page for a particular establishment she was fond of.

“We should meet up and do karaoke, sometime. We can bring Phi too- it’d be a blast!”

“Oh, uh… I can’t sing.”

“Junpei, if you think that karaoke is a matter of your ability to sing, then you are grossly mistaken. It’s a matter of getting drunk with your friends and singing to cheesy pop songs!”

“Are any of your friends even legal?”

“You’d think that a detective would understand the workings of a fake ID.”

“Touché.”

“So, whaddya say?”

“I.. uh… I’ll think about it.”

In the end, that was all Clover could really ask for, so she was happy with that answer. She said a quick goodbye and started to head for home- it would be a pretty long train ride, considering the irritating way the trains were run, but she’d deal. It would give her more time to think of just how she wanted to word things, after all.

This time, she’d plan better, she’d prepare (hell, she’d write it down on cards if she really needed to)- and then this time, things would go a bit better. She was certain that there could be a happy ending for both her and Phi, it might just take a bit of work to get it figured out.

Well, if she’d figured out that safe, then who’s to say she couldn’t figure this out? Interpersonal relationships were nothing compared to two death games, and she’d done pretty good at helping with puzzles- she could do this!

Clover spent the entirety of the train ride back home just contentedly planning, trying to think of what to say. She could do this.

For the both of them, she could do this.

#Memories from the Field [DRABBLE]#Bracelet No. 4 [IC]#long post #999 spoilers #ninthextrication #//tags because relevant #//even if it's my own blog lol

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The Epic Story of O.J.: Made in Americas Creation

When Ezra Edelman set out to make the documentary O.J.: Made in America, he had one goal: To make a five-hour movie about howthe 1995 O.J. Simpson murder case became a flashpoint for talking about race and the American criminal justice system. Not only didhe hit his goal, but he overshot that runtime by about three hours.

“No sane person would do this,” Edelman says now, sitting in a lounge in New York’s Post Factory, where his doc was edited. Talking about it now its like ‘This is fucking crazy.’ The whole thing is a huge leap of faith. You have no knowledge of what exists from an archival standpointyou dont know anything. You just go, ‘Lets try to tackle this to the best of our abilities.’”

In the end, he took some 800 hours of footagesome from archive material, some from interviews with 72 peopleand boiled it down into one single 467-minute movie. It took him more than two years. But he didnt do it alone. In fact, it wasnt even entirely his idea. We spoke with Edelman and his creative partners to get the story ofhow they created the wildly ambitious documentary.

February, 2014: The Beginning

Connor Schell, executive producer and senior VP, ESPN Films: Weve been producing a series of documentary films at ESPN called 30 for 30 since 2009. In that time, we gained more of a foothold in documentary filmmaking, working with various directors, and tackling topics of real cultural importance where sports is your window in. I certainly knew Ezras work and Id been thinking about O.J. Simpson for a long time, but our pursuit of wanting to do something on O.J. Simpson always started from, Well, how do you conceive of something thats not obvious? This is territory thats very well-covered, be that in books, articles, or other documentary films. Obviously, theres a section of this story thats from [the murder of Nicole Brown and Ron Goldman in] June 1994 to [Simpson’s acquittal in] October of 1995 that, if you make a project about O.J. Simpson, youre going to have to cover. But I was always interested in the full picture. What came before and what came after. And where could O.J.s story take you? That led to a few conversations between Ezra and I and he conceived of this approach and of this film.

Edelman:The thing he first said was We want to make a five-hour film. Thats what interested me. That was before he even told me what it was about. When he told me what it was about I was not that interested. My thought was What can I add to this story? They had already done a film on O.J.June 17, 1994, Brett Morgens rendition of the day of the Bronco chase. Connor wanted to do something more challenging and that jibed with something I wanted to do.

Schell:We were interested in the context, in the story of race, of celebrity, and how O.J. helps you tell that story. We started the conversation about a really long movie by saying OK, when you get to that period, why was it so meaningful? Why did it mean so much to white American and black American and why did they view it so differently? Thats a story were really interestedin telling and therefore, it needs to be long.

April 2014: The Research

Because Edelmans movie details thehistory of the relationship between the the Los Angeles Police Department and African-American communities long before Simpson was a student the University of Southern California, his team had to find footage of events like the Watts riots and families from the South moving to LA.

Edelman: From there it was a few months of me just reading. That’sall I did: I got up and I read. Jeffrey Toobins bookThe Run of His Life, Lawrence Schillers bookAmerican Tragedy. This great book by Lou Cannon called Official Negligence, which is about the history of the LAPD. But the first thing I did, was address the practical question of How the fuck do we get this done? So that meant just calling Caroline [Waterlow, the movies producer] and being like Caroline, so theres this thing. Its going to be big. I think itll be interesting. It might not be so fun, but I can think of no other person who I would want to help me craft this.

Caroline Waterlow:I remember we had pizza. My initial reaction was O.J.? You feel like its a story that surely we know about. All the films Ive worked on have been predominantly archival, historical docs, so the idea of being able to get into the early context and history became interesting to me quickly. Then my job was to hire people to figure out how to do that. This is not a job for a young associate producer whos like just starting out. You cant ask them, “So, can you call the former DA of Los Angeles?” We needed really experienced people who knew what they were doing.

Edelman: She found all the people for the team and from there it was just the combination of experience and alchemy.

Edelman and and Waterlow soon brought on producer Tamara Rosenberg, who was tasked with tracking down all of the docs sources, and producer Nina Krstic, who had to find and create a database of 500-600 hours of archival footage.

Tamara Rosenberg: I got a phone call from Caroline first and I was like, O.J.? Nothing in my resume points me towards that subject. But then I had my first meeting with Ezra and he already had an outline of what he wanted to do and it was very apparent to me that that wasnt going to be any other O.J. story. This was going to be differentand great.

Nina Krstic:His enthusiasm was a clincher. Also, it was like, “How can you refuse such a challenge?” How do you find archive of that that someone has never seen before? I think it was a challenge Id dreamed about my whole life and there it was.

Edelman: [Deadpan] I just want, for the record, to note how much both of them talked about my enthusiasm.

Schell: He jokes about it, but when hes engaged, its all he can think or talk about. Hes in.

Edelman: Which I imagine is comforting for an executive. [Laughs.]

August 2014: Building the Story

Edelman: With this large of a canvas, there was a need and an ambition to tell O.J.s story with some sort of thoroughness. I was interested in telling the story of what happened to him after the trial; at the same time, I wanted to tell this other story about therelationship between the black community and the police department in LA, and that that was going to inform this greater story about race in America. Then there was this story about him as a cultural icon that existed on this other level. But it all came back where we were going with the trial. It feels like the ultimate American Studies paper.

O.J. Simpson arrives next door to Watts a year after the riots, but hes in this really white, conservative, apolitical place, right next to a place that had just burned out of frustration. You see all these parallel tracks and its like, ‘Isnt this everything we were talking about with the trial years later?’ Thats a core place to start the story.director Ezra Edelman

O.J. becomes famous for football, and thats all he has to do to get noticed. Then right down the coast theres a community of people in Watts that were so frustrated and outraged with how they were being treated by the police that this sort of ends up inciting the riots in 1965. And this is what this community is doing to have their voices heard. So theres this juxtaposition. Then O.J.arrives next door to that like a year later, but hes in this really white, conservative, apolitical place, right next to a place that had just burned out of frustration. You see all these parallel tracks and its like, Isnt this everything we were talking about with the trial years later?

Waterlow: There was a big bulletin board that I had made. That was the first place that we started building timelines of O.J.s life and what was going on in the world. Then just names. [Prosecutor] Marcia Clark, of course, but also the names of childhood friends. It was just a board of a million names.

Edelman: It was organized chaos. I was looking for first-person voices:people who lived through this history at every point, whether its O.J.s football career or the LAPD. When you look at the people who are the most important and impactful people in the film, youre like I didnt know who any of these people were. I was standing on a train platform somewhere in Connecticut, and Tamaracalled me up and she was like, So I just talked these guys, I dunno, they were a couple of O.J.s childhood friends… and I had never heard of them, but thats exactly where this whole thing comes together. Every time that happens, its like a small victory.

Rosenberg:My character list is a 100-page Word document. In there are people we did interview, people who were maybes, and just people we looked at, and people who just said no. It was a big casting job. It was a constant dialogue with Ezra. As he felt ready to tackle a certain period of O.J.s life, then we started populating those areas with people. So it would be OK, were ready to talk about his USC years, and then I would go on the hunt for his team players from those years.

We had a great PA on the team, who was very good at tracking people down. I would just send names to him, and he would triangulate and I dont know what to find people. He would post on message boards. I dont even know what he did and I dont want to know. He would just send me a phone number and be like I have a good feeling about this one.”Then it was just a job of calling them and saying Hey, this is what were doing and really trying to impress upon them that this was not just another O.J. doc, and that was hard because a lot of these people had approached by the press before, so we were guilty by association.

Waterlow: And then as soon as we found a person it was a matter of Is there any footage of that amazing USC game? and Nina [Krstic] would have to get involved.

Nina Krstic: When I got started in September the first goal was: find every single interview with O.J. And then it was filling in the historical stuff. So there weretwo layers to it. There was also finding stuff that was pre-90s and then it was Rodney King, murder trial, and everything else. Once you get to the 90s theres tons of stuff, but we dont want to see the same footage all over again. Also, with news stories, I wanted raw footage, because I dont want a news editor from 94 deciding whats good and whats not good.

Fall 2014-Winter 2015: The Interviews

Waterlow:Ezra did every one of those interviews, so to prep for those was major.

Edelman:There is a method to the madness. You know you want Marcia Clark, you know you want these bigger characters, but youre not going to call them up initially. You want to be as prepared before you get to that point. But also, you just have to start. So we interviewed 72 people; 66 are in the film, but two of the people that arent we interviewed on the first day because you just need to get going.

Rosenberg:Some people I would talk to for many months before we finally got them. Hands down, as a group, the jurors [for Simpsons murder trial] were the hardest to convince. We reached out to a bunch of them. Some we couldnt find. Ezra and I met with Yolanda Crawford at some stage and although she was hard to find, once we found her and talked to her she was on board.

Edelman: We ended up going to shoot in Las Vegas in January of 2015 to interview someone we didnt actually end up getting to interview, which is one of the jury consultants for the defense. But we were going there so it was like, We should probably try to talk to people involved in the robbery. Talk about a place were not at yet. But sometimes you just have to figure it out.” Thats where youre making a mini movie within the massive movie.

Waterlow: With this film, more than any others that Ive worked on, there was a lot of Dont say nolet me have coffee with you. We had to make our case about who we are and what we were doing. There were several trips to LA, in October, November, and December. Las Vegas in January. There were five or six shoots in the fall.

Some people I would talk to for many months before we finally got them. Hands down, as a group, the jurors were the hardest to convince.producer Tamara Rosenberg

Edelman: The jury was a big part of the canvas, but the prosecution was an even bigger part. And we were having no luck. There were just four main people [in the prosecution], and we need at least one. That was really stressful. I really wanted Chris Darden. I spent a week reading his book and writing him a letterno response, no response, no response. But we had to keep going. I finally got [district attorney] Gil Garcetti’semail from a family friend in January or February, four months after wed started shooting, and he said, Youre welcome to come out and talk to me next time youre in LA, but I wont do an interview. You go and have a lovely conversation for two hours and hes like Im still not doing an interview and Im like, Dude, that could have been the interview. This could be done. But after three conversations and two visits to his house, it was like 10:30 pm on a Tuesday nightand he wrote me an email or sent me a text and said, Alright, Im going to do it. There was a palpable sense of relief.We had already gotten to the point where we were going to start editing.

February, 2015: Editing Begins

Waterlow: There was lots of archival being gathered the whole time. We knew there would be plenty for [Bret Granato, one of the film’s three editors]to start. Thirty interviews, maybe.

Granato:I had wasted a lot of my sophomore year in college following the trial. When we first started, the first thing I put my hands on was the Watts riots section. When I first talked to Ezra I had mentioned that I knew a lot about the trial, and he was kind of unimpressed by that. [Laughs] He said that he really wanted Los Angeles to be a character. So that was the first thing we touched.

Edelman:While he was working on another film, before he was officially working on this, he was taking the audio of the interviews that we had shot and listening to them on his own. So he showed up with this sense of where we were going.

Granato:How Ezra works is he creates this 50-60 page document of the roadmap. We met a few times before the edit to go over that. Its very specific with him: Were going to start with Watts.

Krstic: I made sure that every section of O.J.s life had at least a representative amount of footage to give Bret the freedom to start with it. Then there was also the massive job of organizing over 500 hours of footage, sub-clipping it, keywording it, making the job a year down the line so much easier. My eyes still cross when I think about this, but I basically made a huge database, and then every entry in the database has a clip and its all searchable.

Schell: The amazing thing is the exercise in logistics. Ezras off researching and doing an interview, Tamara is three or five shoots ahead of him, trying to get people lined up. Then Brets trying to tell a story around all of these parts

There was the massive job of organizing over 500 hours of footage, sub-clipping it, keywording it, making the job a year down the line so much easier. My eyes still cross when I think about this, but I basically made a huge database, and then every entry in the database has a clip and its all searchable.producer Nina Krstic

Waterlow: And Nina is IM-ing all day with three people being like What do you need? What do you need? What do you need?

Schell: The idea that it could all come together to fit the vision laid out is quite astonishing.

Edelman: Im used to feeling like I have to be in control of everything. But this was the first time where it was like, That shit aint gonna work. I talked to Tamara a lot because were talking about the characters and interviews. And Caroline and I have this its a little more fraternal.

Waterlow: Im the truth-teller.

Edelman: We just have our own thing. Bret and I get to talk about the story, butunfortunately for himIm sitting behind him like Pig-Pen and the sky is always falling and hes like Dude, this is hard enough. But with Nina, shes the one person, and I say this lovingly, shes a machine.

Krstic: It was never-ending. Even when we were locked, there was still always one little thing wed need.

Granato: I feel like all of our scenes were built initially to just tell it the best way it could be told, then we would make it betterbut when we were making it better, we werent necessarily making it shorter.

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Spring/Summer, 2015: Interviews Continue

Rosenberg: We found Carrie Bess, one of the jurors, pretty early on and Ezra and I met her and had coffee and she was fairly non-committal. I made it a habit ever time wed land in LA to drive to her place. She didnt use email and barely used the phone, so it was just about me showing up and saying hi. She would give me lemons from her lemon tree. We had a cute relationship that way. But she never fully committed. So finally on one of our last trips to LA, I remember sitting with her under her lemon tree and saying, Carrie, you have to do this. Luckily enough she was like, OK, come back in a couple of days.

Edelman:She didnt have any interest in us and this thing. Sometimes shes engaged and sometimes not. Sometimes shed say something profound and wonderful, sometimes she says something kooky. Theres a realness to her. As a documentary filmmaker, what more do you want?

Rosenberg: I had a feeling on the day of the interview that I had to show up before the team, so I drove over and of course Carrie Bess had completely forgotten. She was covered in paint because she was re-painting her house. I pushed her in the shower and went to her closet and opened it and took out like three different outfitsand was like Wear this!

Edelman: That wasnt even the last LA trip. The last real shoot that Tamara and I went on in LA was we interviewed [Ron Goldmans father] Fred Goldman and Mark Fuhrman.Fuhrmanwas reluctant to do the interview and, like a lot of people, was not thrilled at the idea of this being donebut healso didnt know who we were. Why would you trust someone with your sensitive feelings and your past? I found someone who engaged us respectfully, and in a trusting manner. I think the guy deserves a lot of credit.

Waterlow: Thats a testament to the job Tamara and Ezra did on the interviews. Many people after the interview would say Thats the smartest interview anybodys ever done and Ive talked about this a lot. Including Marcia Clark.

I remember just sitting for a whole week just reading Marcia Clark’s book, reading articles, watching stuff, and not picking up the phone.producer Tamara Rosenberg

Rosenberg:I remember just sitting for a whole week just reading her book, reading articles, watching stuff, and not picking up the phone. I think its in Slouching Towards Bethlehem where Joan Didion just sits next to the phone for three hours, staring at it. I had the same thing. And by the time I talked to her I was fully prepared. The first 10 minutes of the phone call did not go so well, and I remember in that call where I was like, Ugh, shes gonna say no. Then we turned a corner. She asked me what I was doing during the trial and I wasnt here. [Rosenberg was studying in Israel.] I think that made a huge difference. The fact that I wasnt one of these people who was obsessively following it and aware of every single flaw and what was going on with her hair and wardrobe, that changed something. Then she was great. I love Marcia. And she sat for how long? Six hours?

Edelman: About five hours. Shes pretty fierce. She is so in control of who she is and what she experienced.

Rosenberg: Somebody like [news helicopter pilot] Zoey Tur, was one of those wonderful moments where archival and casting were working together because she was on both our radars for different reasons. Nina was looking at her because the footage she had shot of the riots and the Bronco chase and I had her on my radar as a storyteller. We both pursued her and got this great material.

It felt infinite. Its like looking at the sun, though, you dont want to ever look at the big picture.editor Bret Granato

Waterlow: And I loved how unabashed she was about things. Shes like Yeah, Im a journalist, Im going to get the fucking story. She represented that so well, and owned it.

Krstic: All told, there was about between 500-600 hours of archival footage and then 72 interviews.

Waterlow: Its probably 800 hours total, if were talking about interviews and archival footage.

Granato: It felt infinite. Its like looking at the sun, though, you dont want to ever look at the big picture. You trust the process. My job is to create as compelling a five-minute thingas I can, and then take a step back and see if it connects. But I wouldve melted if Id actually thought about what we were trying to do. Its too much to comprehend.

January, 2016: That Other Massive O.J. Show

Edelman had known about it for a while, but in January 2016, when he took his forthcoming doc to a Television Critics Association event, he had to come face-to-face with the fact that Ryan Murphy and his FX juggernaut were also releasing a massive retelling of Simpson’s tale: The People v. O.J. Simpson: American Crime Story. Not only would it be based on a book by Jeffrey Toobin, who was one of Edelman’s sources, it would be coming out months before Made in America hit theaters or ESPN.

When youre making this huge thing and you find out someone else is doing a 10-hour series nominally about the same thing, youre like ‘What the fuck?’director Ezra Edelman on The People v. O.J. Simpson

Edelman: To be honest, there were concurrent documentary projects that were being done that were causing a lot more stress than that. Having said that when youre making this huge thing and you find out someone else is doing a 10-hour series nominally about the same thing, youre like What the fuck? But you can only worry about it so much. Ill admit to being personally not thrilled. What are the odds? When we went to the TCAs in January to basically publicly announce the existence of this film three weeks before Sundance, all the journalists in the room had already seen the first six episodes of the FX series and they were all telling us how incredible it was.

Waterlow: We kept being like, “I didnt make that. I dont know how to answer that.”

Edelman: My legitimate fear was: Here is a 10-hour television series about O.J., about the trial, its going to be on television before ours will be out in the world, I dont know that people have that appetite to watch another huge thing about O.J. Thats why it was important for me for it to screen at Sundance, because that was before it was on TV. That way it was clear we werent drafting off of the success of that. That made me feel OK. Frankly, that didI can now sayabsolutely whet the appetite and re-engage people with this story in a way that they wanted the non-fiction narrative. It worked.

January to May 2016: The End (Sort of)

Granato: Ezra and I would stay late nights and work on the film and I dont think there was a single walk back to the train that wasnt about the film and how to make the film better.

Edelman: I didnt ask about your kid?

Granato: Did you know I have a kid? [Laughs] The last night when we locked itit didnt feel like a lock, but it was my last night therewe were still talking about the film. I dont know that I ever had a moment where I was like Ah, thats done! It is such a living, breathing creature. It still doesnt feel done.

Schell: Even when we had gotten to picture lock and submitted the film to Sundance, and it was accepted Even after it screened there, Ezra was obsessed with the fact that it was still a temp score.

Edelman: That was causing me a lot of angst. Itwas a continual process. The first few months of this year, I was still working on the film. We upgraded footage after Sundance, we swapped out the score. We were working up until the time it was screened in theaters in the middle of May. We were working up to the day we had to deliver the hard drives [to theaters]. I watched the last two hours of this on Vice the other night, against my better judgment, and if I could go into the edit room today there would be some things Id want to do.

Waterlow: Because we had these intermissions built in, theres three drives for each version of the film. I remember calling box offices and calling theater managers and being like Did you get it?!

Because we had these intermissions built in, theres three drives for each version of the film that we had to send. I remember calling box offices and calling theater managers and being like ‘Did you get it?!’producer Caroline Waterlow

Schell: This is not a small ask of someones time, to have people commit to an entire day of having someone watch something. But then to understand how engaged they are and the conversations they want to have afterwards is incredible to see.

Edelman: Again, if we knew what we were doing, we wouldve never started.

Schell: But to add to that, whats incredible about the media environment we exist in right now, is that this can exist as a film, and also on ESPN and via video-on-demand, and via DVD, and streaming.We can expose millions of people to that story.

Edelman:People dont necessarily have eight hours and 15 minutes to spend in a movie theater. I get that. So, we worked really hard to create this thing, and if people watch it on their TVs streaming, thats fine. Ive never seen it on TV. Ill never watch something Ive done on ESPN with commercials. Not the previous film I did, not this one. It makes me want to throw up in my mouth. I know this should be experienced as this beginning-to-end thing, but we have fractured lives. Thats not the world we live in.