#its a bunch of silly lil things but also i have been in awe of how much LOVE AND JOY this game is made with

[moeblob]

You literally spent three hours having an ENTIRE SCHOOL (teachers included) slut-shaming a guy just for him to be a (spoiler).

[coolthudethecoolest]

So I heard something about a Fred rewrite in the tags of that one post? I am here for a Fred analysis if nothing else

OH YEAH THAT yeah I have a Fred rewrite in a doc that also adds details to like the inmates and shit if you want I could DM it to ya if you're that interested. Its more of a backstory than a rewrite idk

Anyways I'm just gonna summarize it here tw for physical abuse, child abuse, themes of war, and neglect

Basically Fred's parents were pretty wealthy and pretty well liked. They owned a museum that archived a bunch of Napoleon shit. One distinct thing they did was do plays that reenacted certain events in Napoleons life. Fred was forced to be a part of these plays and he hated them, due to the overstimulating amounts of noise. Unfortunately, Fred's parents did not have patience to accommodate for his needs so if Fred didn't do it, Fred's dad would beat or threaten to beat him while his mother would gaslight him and show disappointment. This led to Fred not only developing DID but also gain extreme amounts of difficulty with talking about his feelings and fear of asking for much needed accommodations because he doesn't want to be a burden. (I imagine he never got diagnosed for his mental conditions and he never talked about them with his parents because of y'know them being awful and shit. I think this is also fueled by Fred already having Treacher Collins and like scoliosis or chronic pain or some shit and he just didn't want to "inconvenience" his parents more than he already does.)

Time passes by and Fred's parents didn't support Fred's desire to go to medical school and become a nurse, thinking that it was too "soft" of a career to have. Ironically, they were fine with Fred gaining a calligraphy degree, which he used to get his parents off his back until he could get a medical degree next while also doing something he actually liked doing. Later on Fred becomes the head orderly for Thorny Towers and things are looking kinda bright. He was well liked among the patients and he enjoyed doing his job too, hell, he loved it. However things started to turn bleak once he realized the most of the nurses were neglectful towards the patients and didn't care about their job one bit. Fred, being the kind person he is, overworked himself because he was trying to clean up after the other nurses' messes. Sometimes he couldn't clean up everything because he was so exhausted physically and emotionally and lets just say, Fred ended up seeing some terrible fates that the neglect towards the patients led to. Additionally he was doing therapy with Crispin and the consistent losing at Waterloo-O ended up triggering him a lot. Both of these factors led to Fred developing a delusion where he thought he was a war general and there were was a big war going on and he was responsible for every death caused by it. It also caused Fred to split Napoleon, which was caused by the pent up rage he had for his entire life (losing at the board game so much was the breaking point).

Thats pretty much the backstory I wrote for him summarized there's a bit more but I don't wanna write it rn because I want to go to bed because Ive been sleeping like shit recently. I might rant about how fred still wears the straightjacket after beating Napoleon and what that could mean tomorrow but its a lil uncertain. Okay I will include one silly lil fun hc as a lil dessert for you reading all of this: Alongside doing calligraphy, Fred also likes to draw from time to time! Fred isn't bad at drawing, and he draws in this fun geometric minimalist-esque art style with lots of circles and everything looks like the fucking white rabbits from the shaun tan illustrations for the rabbits. Also LOVES geography, but mostly likes looking at the maps and drawing them too. The guys got an impressingly steady hand and the guy just loves fucking around with compasses.

[tippitv]

Supernatural Recap: 14:01 “Stranger in a Strange Land”

The road so far... is thirteen years long. Thirteen years. If this show were a person, they would be dealing with acne and/or getting their period. We're on the fourth American presidential term since this show started. My dog Henry looked like this

And now he looks like this:

But back to the show's rock-n-roll montage to catch us up for this season. 

There was a nephilim boy named Jack, an alternate dimension accessible by an episiotomy in spacetime where bad angels ruled and dead characters were still alive, and a weird fight between Dean Winchester (with archangel Michael stuffed up in him like a heavenly turducken) and Lucifer that ended up looking like the video for Total Eclipse of the Heart.

At the end of it, Michael absconded with Dean's hot bod and made him wear a silly cap and break the fourth wall.

As the episode starts, Sam's full beard lets us know that some time has passed since the finale. He's driving through slick streets because it's always raining in the lush coastal rain forest of Kansas. .

But then we cut to some other bearded guy, asleep in a room somewhere that looks like a room they've used on this show a lot, but this time with a weirdly loud background soundtrack of ocean waves and seagulls. The guy gets up, puts his prayer mat down on the floor, and begins praying in what the CC tells me is Arabic.

He looks up to see Michael (in Dean) sitting there in his little cap. "Hello, Jamil," Michael says. Jamil looks surprised, as one should.

Michael quotes from what Google tells me is verse 2:98 of the Holy Quran in order to introduce himself: "Whoever is an enemy to Allah and His angels and His messengers Gabriel and Michael..." He still makes Jamil go through a guessing game. God? No. Gabriel? No. One of these guys in Newsies?

Also no. He says he's there to ask Jamil the same question he's spent weeks asking people all over the world. "Do you want your newspaper on your porch or in your mailbox?"

"What do you want exactly?" Michael asks him. Jamil says he wants peace and love. Michael says "you never would have ran" from Syria if that were true. Okay first of all, that's "would have run," Mister Archangel. Second of all... wait, where did the seagulls go? It's quiet now. As if they left to bother someone else.

Michael flings him around a bit with his angel powers. Like is that even fun? Super powerful beings always act like it is but it's just a normal part of his abilities like my being able to scratch my elbow or blow my nose is normal for me. Anyway, Michael says he wants a better world. Cut to the season's new title card!

Meanwhile, the bunker has been embraced by the resistance fighters from the alternate dimension. Is anybody feeling guilty about the fight they left behind? Are they assuming the fight over there is done because Michael is here now? Mary checks the aim of a new gun by pointing it at or very near these people's danged heads.

The girl already died once so maybe she's unflappable and the guy's too busy getting a monster tooth removed from a wound to notice. He says it happened in Phoenix... which Google tells me is at least a 16-hour drive away if you have a normal car.

Sam joins the bunker, letting us know that he's been in Atlanta checking up on a possible Michael-Dean sighting that turned out to be someone's drug-induced hallucination. It's the good thing the Impala travels a thousand mph or that would've been a lot of wasted time. He and Mary exposit about how it's been three weeks since the end of last season. That's only three weeks of beard growth? Does that seem like a lot just because I don't grow beards?

Sam has just enough time to yawn and be sad before some guy who looks like if maybe Jonathan Van Ness got halfway through getting ready to go chop fire wood tells him there are some "gypsy type" vampires heading east. Boo, Fake Jonathan. Even though he's exhausted, Sam starts delegating teams to go take care of the problem and sits down to hack into a traffic cam.

Then he remembers a cliffhanger from last season. "Hey how's Jack?"

Cut to Jack getting his ass handed to him by Bobby in a fight training session. Aw look at his cute lil sweats. Wait... what are those windows in the gym? They look look like they're streaked with rain. Isn't the whole bunker underground?

Also omg someone give that boy a face guard while he's sparring! He can't heal his cute little mug anymore!

Meanwhile in Detroit, Castiel is following up a lead at a BBQ joint called Motown Meats. And like I know "Motown" is also a nickname for the city and not just the name of a record label, but the country music playing in this joint is still annoying to me. Anyway some pink-cheeked fella who thinks burgundy brown shoes go with cornflower blue suits strides into the place all, "Castiel! Darling!" 

This fella, with his imperious little strut and vaguely Southern demeanor, simply demands I refer to him as Young Lindsey Graham. He orders sausage, brisket and "pork ribs, well done." What the fuck, Linds? All pork ribs are well done! If someone gives you underdone pork anything, you get right off your ass and call the health department!

"I didn't think you consorted with my kind," Linds says, revealing himself to be a demon and also someone who doesn't know his basic show history.

Castiel is loath to admit that he needs information. "Does any demon know where Dean Winchester is?" Young Lindsey is delighted and scandalized at the thought of Cas losing any Winchester, much less Dean. "I thought you two were joined at the... everything." He gets about as close to pointing/looking at Cas's dick as Mary got to pointing that gun at those people's heads.

Yes, I'm terrible at making gifs. Anyway, Linds goes, "What's in it for moi?" And Cas tells him, "Your life." So Linds is like, "Come again?" Honey, he ain't even come the first time yet, don't get ahead of yourself.

Castiel uses his graveliest voice on Young Lindsey, but to no avail. It turns out the whole place is full of demons. Wouldn't Cas have picked up on that? Is he that powerless? They all crowd around him and knock him to the floor.

A sign outside a church in Duluth welcomes "Sister Jo" and advertises its morning prayers at 8 in the morning. Does that seem ridiculously early to me just because I'm a heathen? Also it's clearly nighttime in this scene. Some parishioners thank Jo for saving their lives. It seems like she should be trying to fly under the radar, so to speak.

Oh now she's walking through a dark alley, counting her money. I'll give her a pass because she has angel powers, but people on this show are always being unwise in alleys. Michael approaches her. "You don't recognize me with this pretty face?" he asks. It's the hat! It! Is! The! Hat! He reveals his big seagull-lookin' wings.

Jo is naturally suspicious of Michael. "Why would Dean say yes to you when he turned you down like seven seasons ago?" she asks. "We needed a cliffhanger for the finale and he'd already been a demon," he says. I mean, that's not what they say but I'm sure they were thinking it.

He asks her what she wants, and she tries to be glib about it but he's not buying it. He says she wants love and a family and barfy stuff like that. He keeps asking people what they want and then just ends up telling them.

Back at the bunker, Sam has a chat with Jack.

"I know this must be so hard," Sam says, "without your grace, without your powers...It's a lot, I'm sure." I mean, Sam wasn't a nephilim but he used to be super juiced up on demon blood with telekinetic powers. If there were ever a time for Sam to bust out with "hey I went through a sort of similar thing," it'd be now. Mary interrupts this tender moment to say someone's awake. Way to talk-block, Mary.

Sam reluctantly leaves Jack to go see whoever this other person is. He opens the door as the soundtrack builds up tension. The camera finally swoops in and reveals...

NO.

NO! I REFUSE. I!!! REFUSE!!!! THERE IS NO WAY NICK'S CARCASS SHOULD STILL BE ALIVE. NONE. BEGONE YOU FOUL THING, BEGONE!!!

You know what this means, right? Either that whiny little baby Lucifer will come back somehow and need to possess him again, or when they inevitably get Dean back, Michael will use this empty toothpaste tube of a human as his vessel. OH FUCK HE'S TAKING HIS SHIRT OFF

Okay why does Sam need to be the one to clean his mostly healed wound? It's not like Nick's hands are broken. Nick has a big dramatic reaction. Calm the hell down, it's peroxide not alcohol. Then he just puts the same dirty old bandage back on. What. The. Fuck.

Sam is being very sympathetic, if rattled because this guy's got the same face as the fucker that tortured him for a hundred years. Nick doesn't remember much about what happened, but says Michael told Lucifer "he wanted to do things right this time." Sam goes outside to collect himself when his phone buzzes.

"Oh, hey, Cas," he answers. Young Lindsey Graham corrects him: "I'm the boy who's got your angel." Okay, when I said he was young, I meant compared to current day Lindsey Graham. He's clearly not a boy. He's also clearly not a very worthy foe.

The music goes "eeeeeEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!" to build up tension, but fourth-tier demons are like basically gnats compared to the other baddies the Bunker Bunch have fought. It's kinda silly that Cas even got captured by these twerps.

But everyone is taking it very seriously and packing up their weapons to head to Detroit. Maybe the Other Dimension people haven't fought demons before? I can't remember. Sam assigns teams. "Maggie, you're with Bobby. Mom, you're with me." 

Jack wants to come, too, but Bobby protests that he's not ready for a demon fight. And Maggie is? That poor child seems perpetually on the verge of jumping out of her own skin. But Sam's like, "He needs this, Bobby." 

Back in Detroit, a bloodied Cas sits magically cuffed to a chair. "You sure I can't get you anything hot... and black?" Young Lindsey asks him in a needlessly suggestive manner. I mean, he's talking about coffee, not Grindr. Wtf, my dude? Castiel's face right now is so relatable.

We launch into a good old-fashioned Sit-n-Chat! Linds blah blahs about coffee and using Cas as bait, then reveals, without naming names, that Michael recently approached him like he did the other guest characters in this episode. He was asked what he wanted. "I realized after 600 years as a demon walking the planet...I didn't know." But now he's realized he wants everything. Start with some shoes that look better with your suit.

Meanwhile, Sam and Mary are driving through the perpetual rain. Seriously, how do y'all in Kansacouver deal with this much rain?? I live in Houston and we get a lot of rain, but in like... big groupings and not just constantly. Anyway, seeing that Sam is fretting, Mary says, "It's gonna be fine." Sam isn't convinced. "You don't know that!"

Now, normally this 900-mile trip would take about an hour, but Sam and Bobby didn't carpool so the Impala had to slow way down. Lol when Sam walks through the door at the barbecue place it looks like he's wearing the doorbell as a tiny hat.

Sam gets frisked to make sure he's not packing heat, then Young Lindsey waxes impressed about his shoulders and hair. He makes a "mm MM!" sound like he's just been presented a bowl of delicious bread puddin' and hot caramel sauce.

Here we are nearly at the end of the episode and we finally find out Young Lindsey Graham's name is actually Kipling. "Kip, for short," he says, offering his hand for a shake. Sam leaves him hanging. Also: lol "Kip." Kip's goons drag Jack and Maggie inside. Sam's nostrils flare in consternation as one of the demons punches Jack.

God this guy talks a lot. To sum up: Kip wants to be king of Hell and he wants the Winchesters to treat him like they did Crowley. You know, keep him around past his expiry date and then still somehow manage to make his death too abrupt.

When Sam turns him down, Kip has a bit of a tantrum. "In life, I rode with Genghis Khan!" he rails, mispronouncing it. He pouts and stomps some more, but Sam stays chill because he knows Mary and Bobby are about to bust in with guns blazing.

Slo-mo fisticuffs ensue! Kip throws Sam across the room with his powers. He's a higher level demon who could kill every human with a swoosh of his hand, but then the show would be over. Also, didn't the Bunker Bunch all have devil's trap bullets and stuff? These demons are taking a long time to die.

Kip somehow gets hold of the demon knife during the melee and takes one second long to admire how cool it is. This gives Sam enough time to switch things around and stab him with it. Kip dies as he lived: admiring Sam's shoulders.

Sam calls an end to the fight. "There will be no new King of Hell!" All the remaining demons vacate their meat suits. Who's going to run the barbecue restaurant now? Also, Castiel has been sitting, still cuffed, to that chair this whole time.

Back at the bunker, everyone is beat to hell. Cas and Sam have a rueful talk about what they just went through. Cas is embarrassed he went to the demons, but Sam says he'd work with anyone if it meant finding Dean.

In the kitchen, Mary and Bobby do a little Chekhov's flirting.

Cas goes to find Jack and try to cheer him up. "You did well," he says. "All I did was get punched in the face," Jack says. Don't sell yourself short, kid. You also got punched in the stomach.

Jack feels frustrated and useless without his powers. Cas tells him they have each other and they're family. Aww. I feel like Cas could also say he relates here. "I used to burn the eyes out of demons and destroy buildings with my voice!"

Sam gets a call from Jo. "We have a problem," she says. Is she working for Michael? Maybe!

Cut to a grungy abandoned warehouse, where Michael is currently having a chat with a monster of some kind. Maybe it's one of the vampires mentioned earlier in the episode. "Your want is pure," Michael says. Monsters are soooo much easier to deal with than people or angels! "You just wanna eat," Michael says as the monster shows off some fangs.

Incidentally, "You just wanna eat" also describes me at a brunch buffet.

So that's the end of the season premier! The FOURTEENTH season premier. Holy hell right?

If you'd like me to recap the next episodes, let me know. Thanks for reading!

And now’s the self-promo time when I add my Ko-Fi link! (ko-fi.com/A4017DA)

These are some very desperate times for me, so if you have a few bucks to spare and you enjoyed this fic, I would very much appreciate any donation. I know it looks like I’ve received quite a few donations recently but those larger ones were me “donating” to myself with credit cards to pay bills that had to be paid from my bank.

I'm afraid of not making rent this month, thanks to several clients just refusing to pay me for my work.

Or my Paypal address is btippi@gmail.com and if you send it as a gift I think no fees are deducted from my end.

[johnnysseocute]

Babysitting with NCT

127 edition

Taeil

loves kids and kids love him !!

accidentally makes you do all the work

youre trying your hardest to get them to calm down bc theyre running around and shit

all taeil does is turn on princess and the frog and tell them sit down

and they ofc they all come sit down and cuddle up to him

smiles down at them when they fall asleep in his lap and he just strokes their hair

he likes to put them on his back as he does small chores

he doesnt do much but they always beg him not to leave

johnny

the most organized

he has the kids on a schedule

the most playful !!

he may be 6ft but catch him running around with a bunch of little kids playing tag or hide and seek

when they get hungry he tries to make them food with you but its messy bc he ends up flirting with you the whole time

so he gives up and just throws them some fruit snacks

he kisses you in front of the kids just so theyll say 'ew'

lets them eat ice cream when theyve been "good" but johnny always ends up letting them get ice cream

taeyong

STRESSED !!

just wants the kids to be happy but also kinda wants them to stfu be quieter

he kinda lets the do whatever bc he cabt say no to them

he has the best snacks tho

takes care of you like one of the kids so u dont have to do much

when its nap time he gives everyone a kiss on the forehead including you

likes to bring arts and crafts for the kids to do !!

has a different one everyday and theyre all good

doyoung

omg the perfect babysitter

YOU KNOW HOW ALL OF NCT CALLS HIM THE MOM BC HE TAKES CARE OF THEM YEAH THATS WHY HES GREAT

hes very stern but also very sweet

has a soft spot for the children

hypes all their drawings up,,,, esp if they draw him he could CRY even if they make him look ugly

makes then watch educational tv shows

will not hesitate to scold the kids AND you

scolds the kids for eating sweets past their bed times and scolds you for giving it to them

yuta

mr nakamoto does not play !

he keeps his kids in check

educates them on all types of shit like the flaws of capitalism

his kids are woke !!

makes them watch mulan bc its the feminist movie

hes super affectionate with them tho

always asks for kisses on the cheek and freaks out over how cute they are when they do it

also likes to give them little mini lessons in japenese and he smiles so wide the whole time and highfives them when they get it right

winwin

is pretty much one of the kids

you end up doing most of the work but he feels really bad after

at least they click really well bc hes like one with the kids

they both make a huge ass mess trying to make you heart shaped cookies

and like you wanna be mad but,,,, god they look so cute covered in flour and smiling and they did really try hard on those cookies

so you give them all kisses on the forehead and make them go clean up

likes to talk through their stuffed animals

has the best silly animal voices that makes the kids laugh

jaehyun

surprisingly pulls through and is a natrual dad

hes very calm yet still gets the kids listen to him

they all run to him so they can kiss their 'boo boos'

loves playing dress up

and will never miss a tea party

he runs around as the tickle monster to make them laugh

sometimes theyll run up to him randomly and kiss his dimple and he gets sooo smiley and happy !!

mark

so confused poor thing

he calls you for help

but as soon as he gets the hang of it he loves them and would die for them

theyre all his 'lil buddies'

pretty much lets pick out whatever they want to eat or watch and they love it

doesnt know what kids would even like so he buys stickers but is nervous if they would even like them

mark thinks he did awful but they love him so much and always ask for him back

haechan

at first he wasnt keen on babysitting

but as soon as one of them grabbed his finger it was over

he always taps you to look over whenever theyre doing something cute

always tells them good job even for the smallest things

tells the best bedtime stories

but sometimes he gets too into and it turns scary lmaodjbdjdj

but as soon as he notices theyre a lil spooked he stops and turns it all happy again

he makes sure to tuck them in nice and tight and that they all get their kisses

A/N its 4am tumblr deleted my old one so i had to rewrite this so much fun !! so tjis is unedited once again

[idealisticrealism]

Blindspot 2x11 recap

(Aka the one where Keaton and Dr Sun face off in an exciting round of  “~Whose Presence Is The Least Wanted~”. Spoiler: they both win.)

Delayed a little by a spontaneous three-day trip across the state and a few late shifts, but finally here at last. So thanks your your awesome responses to last week’s recap, and prepare for a large quantity of thoughts and opinions because damn this ep was actually good??

Noooo. Roman. My baby. Why must you suffer so much??? I mean sure there was the terrorism and the murdering and all, but... well, just as I don't see Remi and Jane as the same person, Times New Roman and Old Roman are also not the same. Plus, given that messed up childhood he had, his violence is kinda unsurprisng. And I just can't help it okay, he's my scruffy psycho puppy and I love him. And Jane does too, which is why she's always visiting him (FOR THE LAST 2 WEEKS WHAAAT. mORE ON THIS IN A SEC) and trying to make sure he's eating and getting some rest and just basically being the sweetest sister ever ughhhhh. But he's understandably starting to crack, being caged up in there like an animal, and ugh can I just hug them both rn

Okay this next scene is a Nas scene, ergo I don’t care about it, so I'm gonna just pause for a second and vent about this whole two-week-jump thing. Because you know what can happen in two weeks in this show?? Everything!! Like literally from the time Jane rejoined the team in the premiere up to the events of last ep (aka a total of 11 eps), only TWELVE DAYS had passed. (Yes, I counted). So let's think about this. This means that Jane came back into the team's lives 12 days ago. She met Roman 12 days ago. She was shot by Zapata 12 days ago (though you would never know it based on her physical activity... #tvmedicine). And wanna know some other things that happened in that 12 days? 11 days ago Weller found out he was gonna be a father (Allie was like 15 weeks along at the time, at best guess??), and Borden asked Patterson out. Approx 6 days ago, Jane kinda pretty much admitted to Weller that she loved/loves him. She found out about the baby a day later, the same day Allie was shot. (Again, not a hint of that injury any time we've seen her since!). Weller and Nas started sleeping together 4 days ago, while Jane's 'happy ending' fantasy (*sobs*), and her failed date with Oliver happened only three days ago. Then let’s not even get into the whole shitstorm of Shepherd’s trap and the team nearly dying and Patterson discovering Borden’s betrayal just a day ago. So are you seeing my issue here?? All these things happened in LESS than 2 weeks, and now we've just jumped forward that entire block of time and ugh what the hell did we miss in all those days??? I’m actually legit worried about what bad things could have happened/are brewing...

Aaand speak of the devil. Or devil-lady. Nas is apparently doing something shady (shocking, I know) and Weller comes to investigate, since apparently she's been 'sneaking off every morning'. Oh, great. You know what, maybe I'm glad we've skipped ahead two weeks, if these two have continued their... whatever the hell this is... during all that time. But seriously dude, Jane is back and you guys are actually on good terms again, why are you still with the rebound??? Unless... unless she's no longer the rebound but rather the barrier. Like with Jane back and their old connection starting to reform, maybe he's using this thing with Nas as like a buffer to keep himself from gravitating back to Jane-- lbr, he's the proverbial moth to her flame, and vice versa-- and so basically this thing with Nas is all just a way of protecting his heart by keeping it far away from the one woman who could truly crush it? Honestly rn that's the story I gotta go with bc otherwise I’m gonna get stuck obsessing over wtf is going on here with these two  completely ill-suited people. Sigh. But anyhow apparently Nas used to get messages from this sign from the Sandstorm informant (did she ever look into how though? Like did the informant know or pay off the person who types them? Or did they hack in themselves? Surely that was a lead that should have been followed??) and so apparently she's still checking it. Also damn, the quote up on the sign: "The soul can never be cut to pieces by any weapon"-- very true about Jane, given all she's been through and how strong and incredible she's manages to remain through it all....

But anyway now there are two thug-like dudes just sneaking thuggishly amongst a bunch of shipping containers and lbr it's already a better scene than the previous one. And then a Distinguished Looking Man and a younger man (his son, I'm guessing?) exit one of the containers, looking Distinguished and Mysterious. Dude, I hope you guys didn't come from far away, bc that would not have been a fun journey...

Ooooh Weller's lady-juggling is apparently not going so well as he ends up missing Allie's appointment-- what's she now? 20 weeks, give or take? And yet that's one tiiiiiny belly she's still got... like okay yes, some women barely show at all, even well into the second trimester, but lbr NEVER TV WOMEN. TV women are usually always sporting one of those massive fake belly things so that we, the poor silly viewers, don't forget that “HEY THIS LADY GOT KNOCKED UP, THERE'S DEFINITELY A BABY KICKING AROUND IN HERE SO GET READY FOR IT TO FLY ON OUT AND MESS SHIT UP AT ANY MOMENT". And yet, with this show... nothing? Some slightly baggier clothes, maybe, but not even a moderate bump. What does it mean?? Are they sneakily trying to tell us that ~all is not as it seems~ with this pregnancy (like hey, maybe Allie even sneakily moved the appointment forward so Weller would miss it)-- or, am I just reading to much into things, and the show’s prop-masters were simply out of stock on the Defo-Preggo fake bellies and decided it didn't matter and we probably wouldn't notice its absence anyway? Seriously I have been super suss of this pregnancy from the start (mainly bc why the hell would it even have been written into the story unless for some kind of ~Shock Drama~ down the track) so maybe I'm looking too hard for hints? Lbr it's gonna take a fair bit to shake me from my 'Allie is a Sandstorm operative and is faking the pregnancy bc of reasons' theory. And Cutie Connor can totally fit into that too. But anyhow Weller is a sweetie and is trying very hard to be a Good Dad(TM). Oh, my son. Why do I strongly get the feeling that you will never even get the chance to be a dad to this baby. (*whispers* there's always your babies with Jane to look forward to, tho...)  

Oooh it's back-to-work day for Reade (two weeks post-surgery really isn't enough for a physical job like his, but whatever I'mma overlook it) and omg he and Zapata having an awkward little chat and dude is this really the first time they've spoken since that terrible kiss? Really?? So there was just radio silence between them, two best friends, for two weeks while he was practically an invalid. Ooookay. Sure. On a brighter note, there was a rat in the lockerroom that Reade had named Whitey Bulger hahaha. That's adorable. I hope it was released humanely. Reminds me of the mouse that used to live in the wall of my parents’ house and its hole was right near the computer desk so I would feed it crumbs when I was up on the computer at like 3am haha. Ah, good times. Also okay hold on google says that Whitey Bulger was an infamous crime boss who murdered like 20 people. Ohhhhh and apparently he was an FBI informant, aka a rat. I wonder if the rat was white, too? Though generally wild rats are brown. But wow okay I am getting very distracted (lbr it's the secondhand embarrassment from this super awkward interaction, I can't deal so I’m avoiding the whole thing lol)

Phew okay now we can switch to a far more pleasing scene-- my baby Patterson is back at it, and I'm not even gonna comment on the bullet-wound recovery time. Just look at this restraint I’m showing. Anyway based on Zapata's very pointed comments, lil baby Patterson has refused to take any time off. Ugh. Though if I were her I wouldn't really want to be at my apartment either. I wonder if Borden left anything there... :( also Patterson still has a nasty headache, which sounds ongoing and is not all that consistent with the eardrum-stabbing. It could be a bunch of things, including lack of sleep, but... I wonder. Maybe Sheherd was sneakier than we thought. But for now let's just hope our baby is okay.

Looolll I feel like I'm watching a married couple having a fight over what's best for their kid or something. But lbr here if not for the pressure that Weller's facing to show that he's 'punishing' Roman somehow (seriously we know how Pellington fels about Roman, not to mention how all the agents under Weller’s command must feel about the man that helped kill 12 of their own), I feel like he would be on Jane's side of this argument. Although, he probably also recognises the influence Roman has over Jane, and might be worried that Roman could pull her away from him... but anyhow it's entertaining to watch these two in their own little bubble with Nas off to the side, just awkwardly hovering there like she's an afterthought. Neither one particularly wants her input rn but she has to be there, so... but then she suggests bringing in an 'expert' that she knows and that sets off instant alarm bells for me. DO NOT TRUST ANYONE ASSOCIATED WITH NAS, INCLUDING NAS, OKAY GUYS? THEY’RE SNAKE-PEOPLE, THE LOT OF THEM. This is bound to bode ill for Roman and Jane and like probably everyone somehow

Aw my clever baby has cracked (or re-cracked) an old tattoo, which previously had given them a random number but now correlates to a shipping container-- naturally, the very one that our mysterious duo exited earlier. And due to some handy camera unscrambling, we know that Distinguished Man is a supposedly-dead warlord dude that did a bunch of bad things and was actually indirectly involved in the team nearly getting killed in Turkey last season. Oooooh, drama.

So the kiddies are heading into the bullpen-- Reade joining Weller and Jane as they head together to the main briefing area. So wait how come Jeller were off on their own just then, given that the team was all just together down in Patterson's lab a minute ago? (*cough* quickie?? *cough*) But anyhow traces of nitroglycerin were found in the container apparently so ooooh bomb??? But apparently the company who paid for the container also paid a bunch of dough to some other lady, so the team brings her in-- and finds out the money was 'life insurance' from the death of her brother a few days ago. But hold on, she never even saw the body, said that he'd already been taken to the morgue. And bingo, this story is already throwing up a ton of flags. I can tell you from direct experience that when a person dies in hospital, a doctor (ie, me) is immediately called to certify them, and then we tuck them in nicely and ensure they look peaceful before we contact the family and allow them to come in. And unless the family is like hours and hours away, the patient will remain in their room until they've had a chance to say goodbye. If the family can't get there for a long time, they're taken to the hospital’s mortuary where they await pickup by the family's chosen funeral director. At any point in this process the family can still be taken to see the patient if they wish. So clearly, something else happened with this woman's brother, and someone paid off multiple hospital staff to make it look how they wanted. Definitely not easy to do. And now, according to Patterson, it turns out he was actually transferred elsewhere... this is all veeeeery shady

Ugh Jane going to Roman and using Borden's coffee example to help reach out to him. Ughhhh. And then ugh he asks her if Shepherd loved them and why she wiped his memory and this puts Jane in such a tight spot bc if she said Shepherd did it but didn't love him then how does she explain later that she herself did it out of love and aarghh. But her answer "maybe she thought it was the only chance she had left to get you back” is a good answer. I'm still sad that she had to lie to him about it, and the ramifications that that's going to have. Please understand, Roman, she loves youuuuu and only wants what’s best for you!

Meanwhile Patterson's found the person who last visited the dude in hospital, bc she's da boss. And then Weller asks if she ran the plates and she practically rolls her eyes at him, sassily gesturing over her shoulder just as a photo of the plates appears on the screen behind her. Badass. The team subsequently goes chasing the car-- which is conveniently like ten mins away-- and suddenly it's like we’re in the middle of a black SUV convention when the team surrounds the target cars, the two separate sides differentiated only by the fact that out of one set of cars comes our badass team with their big guns, and out of the other comes a murdering, bloodthirsty, terrorist warlord... and something much worse. KEATON. And lbr I will forever be proud of Jane for the fact that she has her torturer directly in her line of fire and yet doesn't even once struggle with the temptation of pulling the trigger. Because no matter what she's been through-- and no matter what Remi did in the past-- Jane is not a killer. (Let's just agree to overlook the whole thing with Fisher bc that man was an evil little weasel and deserved what he got). And then Zapata discovers a possible bioweapon in the car, ratcheting tensions even higher until Keaton is all 'chill, it's just a pilfered body part'. And lbr, Keaton is so damn repugnant that this is the only way he could ever steal anyone's heart. (badum-tish?). But omg then Jane tells Weller-- while staring at Keaton with bared teeth-- that he was the one who tortured her. And being the little shit-stirrer he is, Keaton tries to imply that Weller has known all along (actually only two weeks and 4 days, but who's counting), and Jane's trust in Weller wavers just slightly at that, given that he'd told her from the start that he hadn't known anything about her torture. Which was true, at the time. And now he quickly reassures her-- while staring absolute daggers at Keaton-- that he only found out in Bulgaria. I wonder if he's mentally reliving that last meeting bc oh boy I sure am. Ah, those satisfying choking sounds. But anyhow, it turns out that Warlord Man's son needs a heart transplant and the CIA is providing it in exchange for info about planned terrorist attacks. The traces of 'nitroglycerin' that was found in the storage container was actually from the kid's heart medication (glyceryl trinitrate, in case you're interested, though he likely wouldn't be on that medication for this particular condition. Also to get those traces around the container I guess he must have been doing a Great-Escape style boredom activity, just with throwing his tablets instead of a ball. Anywho tho Jane tells Weller he can't trust Keaton, and as he always does (or did, in the old days) he finds a way to do what she suggests that is also going to appear acceptable to the Big Bosses. Which in this case means inviting Keaton and Co into their base. Joy. 

So not only does the team have to work with the world's biggest asshat, but there's an attack tonight that they need to stop. Zapata takes Anton the Warlord's phone and laptop to Patterson bc apparently she can't face the idea of interviewing him with Reade (come on kids, we're all grownups here) and everyone suddenly disperses, leaving Jane alone in the room with Keaton. I kinda feel like that's an oversight that Weller wouldn't actually make (and lbr he's always been super aware of where Jane is and what she's doing at all times) so I kinda feel like he is deliberately giving her this chance to face Keaton alone? He knows she wouldn't do anything foolish-- such as, say, try to choke him to death, like a certain someone-- and knows she needs this closure. And omg Keaton is now boo-hooing about missing his kid's basketball games because he had to spend his time 'interrogating' her. Damn, that's cold. He's literally acting like she wronged him. (Can I claw his eyes out now, please?? Since Jane is too good of a person to do it??). But well, at least Keaton’s shittiness gives us this scene of Jane storming into Weller's office. He's sitting and staring pensively at a watch in his hands-- what's the significance? Was it his father's? What am I missing here?? and she bursts in all angry and hurt that they're working with Keaton after what he did to her, which lbr would basically feel like everyone dismissing it as no big deal. But thankfully Weller makes it clear-- with his Serious Voice and turbulent eyes-- that he hates it too and even nearly killed Keaton when he found out. And boy, does that take the wind out of her sails. Yes, Jane, Mr Always-Do-The-Right-Thing literally nearly murdered a high-ranking government official for hurting you. And ugh you can see how much that means to her-- lbr with them, that's basically as much an admission of love as any kiss could be... 

Aaaand then of course Nas has to appear to ruin the moment, because that's literally like her entire role on this show; Ms Shady Backstabber and Moment-Ruiner. And oh joy, she's brought her 'expert', who on one hand I am pleased to see is a disabled WOC, bc yes good tv representation, but on the other hand I wish she just wasn't there at all. That actress was great in Quantico though. Literally tho in the first minute the doctor has called Roman a 'prisoner' and a 'killer'. Biased, much??? I have literally treated jailed murderers myself, and the entire medical staff would always refer to them only as 'the patient' or at the very worst, 'the inmate'. So this lady is really already rubbing me the wrong way here. As much as I dislike her, though, I agree that Jane shouldn't be there for her assessment. But ugh I hope she can watch on cameras or something just so someone is keeping an eye on what they do to my poor puppy... but seriously tho let's all take a moment to appreciate how well Jane keeps herself in check like all the time?? I mean she's constantly copping crap from people and she just takes it with such grace (okay sometimes with a little less grace but generally very well) and ugh I just love her so much

Speaking of Jane, she takes her turn watching over Anton, and while the man refused to say a word to Reade, the sight of Jane has him opening right up. I feel ya, buddy. I'd spill my guts to her too. I enjoy that they bond over their mutual hatred of Keaton. Can I join that party? Also ugh the way he talks about his son not being like him, and being deserving of a proper life... kinda like Jane still deserves a good life despite who her 'mother' is and what she's done. But oh geez, his next line-- "You know what's the worst thing that can happen to a man, Jane? To lose a child." AAAAHHHH RED FLAGS RED FLAGS THIS IS FORESHADOWING I JUST KNOW IT. DOES THIS MEAN THE WRITERS ARE GONNA KILL OFF WELLER'S BABY??? DOES IT???? And then oh shit, the son dies (I am still sure that that line was foreshadowing more than just his death though) and the team is all like wtf do we do??? Naturally Keaton thinks the only option is to lie, which Jane strongly disagrees with, both of them turning to Weller, who brings them both with him to see Anton. Keaton gets in there and starts spouting lies-- only for Weller to step up and tell the truth, while also being genuinely sympathetic. Yaaaaasss my son taking Jane's side and doing the right thing, as he should :) And ugh she is so sad for the man's loss and tries to get him to see that his son wouldn't have wanted this. 'His ideals aren't like yours' oh boy does she know all about that. But even her heartfelt pleas can't get through to him (come on, dude, look at that faaaace) and so now the team is really in trouble... But as always happens when shit hits the fan, everyone turns to Patterson, who naturally comes through, tracing a phone that got a coded message from Anton's phone, giving them the lead they desperately need...            

But while my beautiful and trustworthy team is busy doing that, Shady and Shadier are starting their mindgames on my poor lil caged lion Roman. Keep your devil-claws off him, ladies! That means you, sneaky shrink! Also if he is believed to be so dangerous and unstable, there is no way she would be that close to him, especially without any guards present. He could kill her in a single second. And speaking of which, baby Ian just stabbed the hell out of one of the other boys at the orphanage (the one that stole his coin), seemingly on the order of their captors? And in the earlier flash that we got, the guy said "Will you kill your rabbit now?" So these are two separate memories, right? The rabbit is really a rabbit, yeah? Like ‘rabbit’ isn't a metaphor for a 'target' or something right? Either way, daaaaamn, these poor kids...   

Aaaaahhhhh we're getting another Jeller heart-to-heart moment in the caaaarrrr! I've missed these. I so wish Reade and Zapata were in the back seat pretending not to exist like they did in the good old days when Jeller were having a ~moment~, but sadly not this time. But ugh Jane is again expressing her fears about Roman's reaction should he find out that she zipped him, and I love this bc not only is Jane allowing herself to turn to Weller again for comfort, but she's also being open with him about her feelings, ensuring there's nothing hidden between them anymore (at least on her side. While I assume she's figured out the whole Nas thing, I doubt he's outwardly said anything to her). And ugghhhhh Weller doesn't hesitate to comfort her, reminding her that she has become a completely new person-- aka, a good person-- after her wipe. Yaaaassss for Weller acknowledging that Jane and Remi are separate people. And then ughhhh he says the wipe was the best thing that ever happened to her but lbr it's the best thing that ever happened to him??? That memory wipe brought her right to him, gave them the opportunity to know each other and fall for each other. Hers wasn't the only life that was changed forever the day she climbed out of that bag. But omg he's still not done??? He tells her that she not only saved Roman's life by doing what she did, but whatever hope he has left (of a life, of happiness and normalcy) is a gift that she gave him. Oh lord, help me. And then he turns to her and puts the heart eyes up to high beam and boy are they blinding. I'm legit gonna have lightspots in my vision for like the next hour. But ugh what I love most is that these are not his previous "I adore you and everything you are" hearteyes but more of an "I have done so wrong by you and though I know I could never make it right I will spend every day of the rest of my life trying" hearteyes and honestly JUST LET ME DIE. Oh wait, nope, I am about to die bc now we're in the other car with Zapata and Reade AND I CANNOT DEAL WITH THE AWKWARD. Save me. At least Reade is trying to talk it out like a grownup whereas Zapata is all but stuffing her fingers in her ears and going "la la la la I can't heaaaaar you" lol. 

Thankfully, Weller chooses that moment to rescue us all (he probably needed a distraction of his own bc he was becoming too lost in Jane's eyes haha) and everybody pulls into a place that looks kinda reminiscent of the spot where Zapata shot Jane. Everyone fans out, including Jane, and I will forever be so happy about the fact that she's back out with the team and trusted with a weapon and they all know they can rely on her as a true team member and ughhhh I'm just so happy to be getting back to the real heart of this show. And speaking of things that are right at the very core of this show, Weller has managed to get himself blown up yet again, this time by trying to stop a dude who had wired a bunch of basketballs on a rack into a bomb. Bad dude gets away with a bunch of other bombs, and Weller gets away with barely a scratch-- which doesn't stop Jane from yelling his name in alarm and immediately running to his side, even giving us an Unnecessary (but sadly not all that Lingery) touch on his arm as if she's reassuring herself that he's okay. Ah man. You guys are killing me. While this season has certainly frustrated me in regards to Weller's actions towards Jane, it definitely doesn't disappoint in hers towards him. Ugh, my stupid in-love babies, how I adore you

Anywho the whole crew is on the site now (including Keaton, which literally everyone there/the entire world could do without) and they realise that though there's no major basketball games on tonight-- which of course our resident ex-gambler knows-- there is a youth league game on, aka the one that Keaton's daughter is playing at. And how do they know this?? Because my baby Jane is a freakin' genius as well as a badass, and she actually listens to what people say, even if those people are jerks and don't deserve a second of her attention. And so now when Jane speaks, everyone listens, which is why they're all currently bolting to the kids' game. And Keaton is all "he's doing this to get at me" *whinge whinge*, and Jane is all 'bitch shut up there's a lot more people there than just your kid'. But naturally Keaton continues to bitch bc he's Keaton, then even annoyingly brings up the whole being a parent thing, at which time Jane sneaks an almost-sad look at Weller, because freaking everyone has to continuinally remind her that the man she loves now has a permanent tie to someone else. Great, thanks, show. 

But anyhow despite Weller having everything under control, Keaton manages to ruin everything as usual, getting his own agent killed and forever traumatising his daughter in the process. Weller and Keaton then bugger off in search of the daughter while Jane and the other two take out a bunch of baddies like the badass little team they are. Ah, so good to see them like this again. Jane splits off from the others to chase more baddies while the two of them try to defuse the bomb with Patterson's help. Bc when in need, always call Patterson. Jane's fight with the baddie in the gym is kinda hilarious, like at one point she sends him sprawling but rather than knocking him out she waits politely for him to get up before continuing their fight. Such manners :P  Although given the fact that she then slams a kettleweight straight into his face/chest, maybe she’d used up her quota of good behaviour haha. Meanwhile Patterson shuts down the cell signal to the area, preventing the bomb being activated via the mobile phone detonator... ummm is that a thing that's actually possible? Idek. Anyhow Weller and Keaton find the daughter at gunpoint in the locker room, and Weller's all "I haven't got a shot" though lbr I bet that ‘Mr Exceptional Marksmanship Award’ could totally shoot that guy's exposed hand. A moment later he gets the shot anyway when Keaton draws the baddie out, and all seems to have ended happily until-- dun dun dun-- there's another baddie, right about to shoot both Keaton and his daughter!! Only to be shot by Jane first, aka my perfect beautiful princess who always saves any life she can, even if that life belongs to the piece of slime that tortured her for three freakin’ months. Hey Weller, take notes. If Nas had been in Jane's situation just then, she would have sat back and watched. No doubt about it. At least Keaton is man enough to genuinely thank her tho, to which she gives pretty much the much more professional-sounding version of "screw you, asshole" lol. You go, girl.

Oh boy. So you put Roman into an ‘MRI’ and are now basing your diagnosis on the absence of a perceived response to a few pictures. Good lord, woman, you must have gone to a worse medical school than Borden. I don't even know where to start with this. Firstly the scan you're thinking of is a PET scan, but you literally can’t make this diagnosis based on that anyway!! And honestly lady have you ever opened a psych textbook in your entire life, there's a whole bunch of criteria to diagnose Antisocial Personality Disorder and ROMAN LITERALLY DOES NOT MEET THEM. Even Old Roman doesn't meet the majority of them, and New Roman meets practically none. This woman is a CHARLATAN and I will not TOLERATE THIS DISRESPECT TOWARDS EITHER OF MY BABIES. Gaaawd. So now poor Roman is in danger of being locked away in a padded room for his whole life on the word of one woman; one woman who they know nothing about except that she comes recommended by Nas (which should be an automatic black mark against anyone's name imo) but also a woman who just told Jane-- aka Jane who grew up in Hell's Orphanage and has been through unfathomable shit her entire life including three months of recent physical torture-- and this woman just told her she can't possibly imagine how 'terrible' this Sudanese orphanage was that she visited once as a student. Good lord, can I slap her yet. Please. At least Jane kind of calls her on it, raising the point that she grew up in exactly the same way as Roman, but it's clear the snake-charmer's mumbo-jumbo has her doubting herself. Ugh. At least Weller doesn't seem at all happy with the idea of having to lock Roman up-- probably bc he knows how it'll hurt his precious Jane, and after allowing her to suffer for so much of this season he's finally gotten his shit together and realised she didn’t/doesn't deserve any of it and now desperately wants to make up for his previous ass-ish ways.

Speaking of ass-ish ways, Zapata has decided to grow up a little and reach out the olive branch. Thank god. She even apologises, which is impressive, because this is Zapata... although she still manages to turn it into a bit of a joke. I do love the "you're not even my type, though" (we know, Sarah is) and the "why, too smart or too classy?" Thankfully he calls her on the classy part, and yaaayy we are back to the sassy banter that I like :))) Brotp forever please. Also Reade aren't you still on pain meds? You shouldn't really be drinking... And then aww she wingmans for him (which would have been hilariously awkward if the girl had actually been checking HER out. Man, that would have been amazing). But then hold on writers, what is this little ~look~ she throws back at him?? Please tell me that that was just a slightly wistful 'If only I could love him as something more than a brother, who knows, we could have been a good couple" and not a "I'm pretending I don’t have feelings for you bc though I actually am in love with you I don't want to drag you down into the trash pile with me". Bc legit if the writers go down the path of the latter, I'm going to be so pissed. JUST LET THEM BE BEST FRIENDS, OKAY??? NOT EVERYONE WITH OPPOSITE GENITALS HAS TO FALL IN LOVE WITH EACH OTHER, GEEZ.

Naw Patterson finds Jane sitting behind the mirror, watching over Roman like the loving-- and worried-- big sister that she is. And Patterson, bless her, my precious angel made of fairy dust and sunshine-- gently reassures her that 'psychology isn't even a real science so you shouldn't listen to anything the shrink says' (or something along those lines lol), and then ughhhhh when Jane is basically acknowledging that she has no power to fight the shrink's diagnosis because she 'isn't objective', Patterson gifts us with this: "Maybe that's the point. Weller wasn't objective, and he brought out the best in you. Maybe you can do that for Roman". And so the Queen has spoken: lack of objectivity = LOVEEEE, and love will set you free and all that jazz. But ugh Patterson I could kiss you rn (not like I would ever need much encouragement any other time, tho lol)

Okay if no kissing then could I at least write you a prescription for some better pain killers because I hate seeing you suffer like this (ugh Shepherd what sneaky thing did you do to my precious baby). At least the pain meds that she has-- while useless for the pain-- actually help her to crack the leopard clue. Wooo! Shame she had to get Nas involved, but at least she's telling Jane pretty much immediately. And because Patterson is a genius, she determines that the clue points towards a chick in some bikie gang, who is seen in a photo with none other than Roman. Guess we know what next ep is about!!  #exciting

Oh joy, an Allie and Weller scene. I was totally just thinking that this ep needed more of them (#not). But oh my goddddd he's been nesting, setting up a nursery and buying a crib with the highest safety rating and trying out colour swatches for the walls and oh my lord this is simultaneously the worst and the best thing bc 'excited prospective-dad Weller' is SO ADORABLE but the circumstances and partner are definitely... less than ideal, shall we say. Siiiiiiiigh. And then BAM Allie's suddenly moving to Colorado with Connor and Weller cares too much about her to ever even consider trying to get her to stay and so okay I see two options here: either the writers are trying to make us think Allie is going to be out of the picture, so when some Big Bad Thing happens involving her and the baby, it'll be an even bigger twist; or, she literally does move to Colorado and the show very occasionally mentions Weller's interstate baby in future seasons just so we don't start thinking that the whole storyline was just a really protracted, mass-shared bad dream. Since the second would just be embarrassingly bad screenwriting, I'm pretty much hoping for the first option...

Well, there it is. Happy Blindspot Day, and see you for the (hopefully much more punctual) next installment!                       

[d00dt00nz]

Obligatory promo stuff at the top because it sucks and I hate it and let’s get it out of the way! follow me on twitter where I’m active, check me out on spotify for music, or like my facebook for sparse updates on music stuff. Thank you. The Cover art is by Ellie Tison

This one’s a lil bit long so I’ll put it behind a break

A while ago I posted about a song that was called The Howl that Lay the Canyon Bare. I mentioned that there were a few false starts on that song. One of those songs was a ripoff of Jackson Browne's The Pretender. Basically, while I didn't like the song, it became some kind of freakish mushroom creature. It budded its spores and they grew into their own creations. There was another song that came from it but it's not very good and I didn't use it. This song, however, did.

Basically it came from me wanting to write like, a fast paced and kind of old fashioned rock song. Not necessarily a standard blues rock structured song, but maybe something that was had the same force and power. My old song had some lyrics that I liked “I'm gonna get a good job in the city, I'm gonna buy a big screen tv/I'm gonna make a lot of friends and forget their names, 'cause they don't mean much to me”. Sometimes I think it's a shame for lyrics to go to waste because I always have a pretty tough time of writing them. A lot of times I'll just pluck lyrics from unused stuff, which is a little annoying because then I can never use that unused thing.

That lyric was written while I was still working at the RESP place and I was feeling pretty miserable and gross. I felt evil. I wanted to write something gross. More recently when I actually wrote this song proper, I was feeling a little less evil, but still very aware of those same evils. This was back in Febuary when my boss had recently laid off everyone except me. The amount of work hadn't reduced. He'd essentially used Coronavirus as an excuse to save a few bucks on his business. To this day, we don't have any masks, sanitizer, or gloves. The car the company gives me is literally falling apart. I have no right rearview mirror, the transmission is broken so that sometimes the engine just revs but the car doesn't move, the AC is broken, the winter tires are still on, the entire car shakes all the time, and up until recently it'd stall if you took a turn too sharply. If you can recall that time in Febuary, it was also when there was a whole asinine debate in the media about how many deaths were “acceptable” to keep the economy going.

Obviously I know that capitalism is “evil”. We all know that somewhere in the back of our minds, and saying it in that way (especially online) is pretty trite. At some point I started reading books about socialism in my spare time. I don't claim to be an expert, I couldn't make it through Kapital (that fucking thing is like a thousand pages and he spends the first 200 talking about a coat). I just want you to understand that it is something that I don't just invoke for cheap jokes. I think it'd be a good thing. Anyway, the evils that capitalism is based on really started to show their faces around that time. We had to let people die because we couldn't let the system slow down. A lot of liberal leaning people like to begin and end the conversation with “greed”, as if so many problems could be solved if we fixed the individual, personal problem of greediness. Maybe that'd go a long way if we could somehow magically shame people into good behaviour, but the way things are set up means you'd have to convince the people who make the rules to act against their own interests. The whole idea is silly.

The entire idea behind a neoliberal model of capitalism is a lack of true accountability. Kurt Vagnathghet (note to me, fix this spelling later when you have internet. Or don't and leave it in as a dumb hilarious joke) has a little part in Cat's Cradle where a brilliant engineer relinquishes his position as president because he is uncomfortable with authority – he'd rather be told what to do. The narrator wonders why until he begins delegating tasks to the engineer and realizes that the engineer has now managed to detach himself from his own humanity. He simply has become a cog in a system that sustains him. He is free of any real accountability because nothing is his own decision. He simply carries out orders because he must in order to maintain his own place in the world. That's kind of like the model we have today. Everyone is beholden to someone. Even CEO's are beholden to shareholders. Even shareholders are beholden to other shareholders. They cannot act against their own interests because there will always be somebody to replace them waiting in the wings. Yes, they make the rules, but they don't make the rules collectively, which means that if they stop “playing the game” then they'll lose what they have to somebody who is. I'm not saying I have sympathy for these people, I'm just describing the mental gymnastics that this system demands. I don't believe that people are inherently evil or selfish, but I do believe that we have a system that benefits those who are selfish and punishes those who are selfless. It's a self sustaining system where nobody is really in charge of their own life and the only real way to feel any control over your situation is to become vile – and the more vile you become, the more control you feel. It's not a question of staying true to your values, it's a question of how evil will you allow yourself to be.

Of course this only applies to people with that ability in the first place, as in people who are white, from a wealthy family, live in the western world, that kind of stuff. In my more unhinged moments I consider this about myself. I don't know if I could ever be in a position to take advantage of people, but what if I could? How much would I be willing to screw people? How immoral and wrong would I act if it meant a life of comfort? What if I just started scamming and hurting people? What if I “played the game”? How amoral would I allow myself to become before it wasn't worth it? These are questions I don't know if anyone can really answer. It's disturbingly easy to take an opportunity when presented with one. I'd like to say that I would stay true to myself, but would I? Would anyone?

Over the course of history, our ruling class effectively managed to replace the task of governing with a series of complex and often injust or imperfect systems. Over time, even the highest powers in the land have become beholden to something – something that is no longer even human. Something incapable of moral judgments because it does not think. It turns out we were living in the matrix a long time before computers were invented (That's really corny but let me have this one. I want to feel cool okay?). They created this system to absolve them of responsibility, and in doing so have rendered themselves powerless.

I wanted to outline this grotesque reality and my own personal worries in the most grotesque way possible. I didn't want to create nu metal, so I went to the second most grotesque form of music: 70s rock and roll. I wanted to have this angry frantic energy. It was really fun to record because I rarely get to just have straight aggressive 8th notes like I'm some sort of punk. It's also nice to just crank up the volume and the compressor and have a good time with distortion and different guitar tones. I love the dry sound that I was able to get. I do have to say, it's tough to keep that tempo and energy up for an entire song.

Vocally it's not the most difficult song, but a bunch of fun to sing. You get to be really aggressive with your delivery, and there's a bit of a showiness to the melody. For better or for worse, it's got that musical theatre kid energy to it with some old fashioned sounding musical phrases. I kinda like it for that. The lyrics are really unpleasant, so it adds to the fun where I can just say all this ugly shit and have this frantic energy behind it. At one point the compressor I was using did something weird on the vocal take, and it really jacked up a particularly deep breath I was taking. I decided to leave it in because it added to the vibe. I thought it'd be a weird quirk. Like the sound of somebody doing a big fat line of coke. Just getting fucked up.... Real twisted shit.

On the chorus I decided I wanted to add a little bit of variety and put in some sax backing. It was supposed to mingle with some vocals, which would have been a cool effect but the effect never really came through. I'm still not 100% on how to get a good sax sound out of a recording. At any rate, it does give this big echoy chaotic sound which I was pretty satisfied with so I left it in.

The solo section, I'm not so much a fan of. I think the guitar solo I did was pretty bad and amateurish sounding. There's this big buildup and then it's like this stupid meandering guitar solo that sounds like a 14 year old did it. I got my brother to record a guitar solo, which is technically a much better guitar solo, but honestly I wasn't a huge fan of the feel he went with in the context of the song. It felt a little bit too surf-y, and he didn't use any distortion. I kept it in and combined the two, which helped make things feel a little bit better, but I'm still not big on the part. There's also a harmonica bit. I kinda broke down and went back to my old standby of “well let's just make this part really noisy” which is a little bit of a crux, I admit.

In general I like the song. It's fun. It's fast, it's mean, and it breaks up some of the more introspective stuff. As well, I've just been feeling really uncomfortable with releasing an album of introspective naval gazy music. Like, I get it, I don't really have a platform. It's not like many people listen to me. Still though, there's so much awful shit going on in this world right now that I'm fortunate enough to be mostly sheltered by. I haven't participated in any protests either. I feel like I have to talk about it. In the end though I'm just busy with this self absorbed bullshit. I'm glad, then, that there's something political on this album that captures that feeling. I hope to be a little bit more worldly with my songwriting. I've done at least two very personal albums, and two high concept albums, I hope to maybe turn my focus outward into the world next time.

[weekendwarriorblog]

WHAT TO WATCH THIS WEEKEND – Uncle Drew, Sicario and More

June comes to an end with a couple smaller movies that probably could have been released any time during the year, but their respective studios feel there’s a place for them among all the bigger studio tentpoles and franchises taking up movie screens. Oddly, one of the movies is a sequel to a movie released by the other studio.

UNCLE DREW (Summit/Lionsgate)

The first offering trying to get some business away from the big boys is this PG-13 sports comedy directed by Charles Stone III, whose last movie Step Sisters streamed on Netflix without much of a theatrical release. Even so, Stone has had a number of hits in the early ‘00s including Drumline and Mr. 3000, a baseball comedy starring the late Bernie Mac, so he might be the perfect helmer for this movie.

This one brings together a varied cast of African-American talent including a number of actual basketball players wearing make-up and wigs to make them look like old baseball players. The title character is played by the Boston Celtics’ Kyrie Irving, who originated the character for the short on which this film is based, but a lot of the comedic focus for the movie is put on Lil Rel Howery from Get Out and Tiffany Haddish, who broke out in last summer’s Girls Trip. Lil Rel plays Dax, the coach of a street ball team preparing for the 50thRucker Park Classic, who loses the team to his lifelong enemy, played by Nick Kroll from The League.  When Dax sees the elderly Uncle Drew schooling a bunch of kids, Dax enlists Drew who puts together that team.

That team includes former basketball star Shaquile O’Neal, who hasn’t been appearing in many movies in recent years, other than a voice role or two. O’Neal transitioned from the basketball court to the movie screen in the ‘90s with movies like Kazaam and Steel, so this is kind of a throwback to his older fans. Other basketball players (barely recognizable in old make-up) include Reggie Miller, Nate Robinson, Chris Webber, Aaron Gordon and Lisa Leslie, so one expects that basketball fans will be the main draw. Rounding out the comedic cast are vets Mike Epps and J.B. Smoove as a comedic Greek chorus. The results are kind of a cross between Johnny Knoxville’s Bad Grandpa and the Barbershop movies.

Other than maybe Haddish, it’s hard to see any of the cast being much of a draw to non-basketball fans, so it’s up to the marketing, which has done a good job selling this comedy even to those outside its expected target audience. This may be a tougher movie to gauge its box office prospects, not being the target audience i.e. I don’t watch basketball, but Lionsgate is giving it a wider-than-usual release for this type of movie into 2,600 theaters, similar to the Barbershop films, all of which opened over $20 million. (For more perspective, Stone’s earlier film Drumline opened with $12.6 million in less than 2,000 theaters, and Uncle Drew is likely to have a similarly regionalized appeal.)

The trailers and ads look amusing enough and the movie isn’t bad (see below), so presuming that the movie was advertised during the last few months through the NBA Championships means that the film’s target older male audience will likely give it a chance and maybe they’ll bring some younger b-ball fans. That should help Uncle Drew make around $15 or 16 million, possibly even more, which should put it just ahead of Sicario despite being in fewer theaters.

Mini-Review: While the movie is about as silly and predictable as one might expect from watching the trailers, there’s definitely something to be said for how funny and entertaining it is, even if you don’t really know the players beneath the make-up. It’s pretty great that Lil Rel Howery, who stole so many scenes in Get Out, has been given such a great vehicle, and some of the funniest moments are when he’s being picked on by the ball players or being bullied by Nick Kroll and Tiffany Haddish, as his ex-girlfriend. Not all of the movie works, and it’s a little hard to believe that a team of “old men” could perform the way that they do, but I guess if you’re a fan of their work on the courts, that can make up for the obvious lack of acting skills chops in Irving and the others. (Yes, even Shaq, who has been acting for decades now.) There probably isn’t that much more to say about the movie, but it’s more in the vein of the Barbershop movies with basketball players instead of comedians. Even having ringers like Mike Epps and J.B. Smoove show up randomly doesn’t fully use their talents, but hopefully the movie will do well so Howery will get more opportunities like this. There’s definitely a potential franchise to be had if they can figure out how to get past the feeling that this should be its own standalone comedy.  Rating:7/10

SICARIO: DAY OF THE SOLDADO (Sony)

While the summer movie season regularly produces a number of sequels to hit franchises, this sequel being released by Sony is the follow-up to a smaller independently-made film that showcased a lot of brilliant talent and ended up creating a cult following while also receiving three Oscar nominations.

The original Sicario was directed by Dennis Villeneuve, who would go onto bigger hits like Arrival (for which he received an Oscar nod) and Blade Runner 2049. The movie was released by Lionsgate in select cities for two weeks, but when it expanded into 2,620 theaters, it made over $12 million on its way to $46.9 million domestic based on a $30 million budget. It also the first produced screenplay by Taylor Sheridan, who also went on to be nominated for an Oscar for his screenplay for Hell or High Water.

Emily Blunt isn’t in this sequel, as it instead focuses on the characters played by Josh Brolin and Benicio Del Toro as a CIA fixer and the Colombian assassin he works with to help fight the Mexican cartels. In this case, they’re dealing with the cartels’ human trafficking across the border, which certainly is timely to what’s going on in the country today, which should make it of interest.

Brolin is already having a bang-up summer, having starred in two of the season’s biggest hits, playing Thanos in Avengers: Infinity War and Cable in Deadpool 2, and the original Sicario has been playing on Netflix to presumably build up anticipation for another movie in the franchise.

In a perfect world, the sequel to Sicario would have a similar bump as John Wick: Chapter 2 had over the original John Wick, opening with twice as much, but it’s hard to tell whether there’s nearly as much anticipation for this sequel. It certainly could do well among Latino males in North America, especially with little direct competition, but the subject might hit close to home to make this a choice for weekend entertainment.

At one point, I thought Sicario would be good for a third place showing, but I think it will fall just short of the far-stronger Uncle Drew, even though that’s in a few less theaters*, just because it’s a far stronger sell as a comedy. Sicario should end up in fourth place with between $12 and 15 million, not great but not awful either. (*Quick Correction: It seems like the estimated theater counts have been adjusted so that Sicario might be in fewer theaters than Uncle Drew, but I’ll know for sure on Thursday.)

Mini-Review: I deliberately didn’t rewatch the original Sicario before seeing this sequel, and it’s probably a good thing, because it would have just left me even more disappointed. I loved that film and it’s look at the government’s war on drugs, but this time, it’s more about the government’s war on terrorism and the Mexican drug cartels transporting people across the border. Sound familiar? Yeah, there are definite correlations with what’s going on in the country right now, but the fact that Oscar-nominated writer Taylor Sheridan probably wrote this movie before Trump was elected makes it ridiculous to even mention this fact (as I just did). Mind you, this isn’t the first movie to explore the Latin American immigrant experience, and there are far better instances, such as Jonas Cuaron’s Desierto and Cary Fukunaga’s Sin Nombre.

Josh Brolins’ FBI agent Matt Graver is commissioned to do whatever it takes to take down the Mexican cartels, which are now being considered terrorists after a supermarket is bombed. The idea is to start a war between the cartels, and the way Matt does this is by kidnapping the young daughter of the top Mexican druglord, played by Isabela Moner from Transformers: The Last Knight (once again playing a character with her own name). What this does is allow Del Toro to have some great scenes with Moner, creating a relationship that almost makes up for the fact that Brolin seems to be phoning it in this time, not to mention there only being a few scenes with Brolin and Del Toro together. (The movie also keeps cutting back to this young man being recruited by the cartels, but it doesn’t make much sense to even have him in the movie until near the end.)

Italian director Stefano Sollima (Gomorrah) leans so heavily on the score by Hildur Guðnadóttir, the Icelandic protégé of the late Johann Johannsen, who scored the original film, that the music’s attempt to create tension instead wears out its welcome fairly quickly.

There’s probably room for another movie if this one does well, but it’s a shame that the movie only starts getting interesting in the last 20 minutes and then it just ends, leaving you wondering why they couldn’t cut something out from the dull first two-thirds of the movie.

Sicario: Day of the Soldado is noticeably lacking due to the absence of so much of what made the first film so good, particularly Villaneuve, so it’s hard to imagine many people will be as into this as the first movie.  Rating: 6/10

Of course, neither of these movies will have enough of an impact to knock the 1-2 punch of Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom and The Incredibles 2out of the top spots with the former having a bigger drop in its second weekend then the latter in its third. Another film to keep an eye on is the Bollywood biopic Sanju, starring Ranbir Kapoor as Sanjay Dutt, which is a highly-anticipated film being released by Fox International Productions (FIP) into around 350 theaters, which should be enough to get it into the top 10 as well. (It won’t have Thursday previews, so it might be hard to tell how it’s doing until Friday estimates on Saturday.)

So the Top 10 should look something like this…

1. Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom (Universal) - $63.6 million -57%

2. The Incredibles 2 (Disney-Pixar) - $44 million -45%

3. Uncle Drew (Lionsgate) - $15.6 million N/A

4. Sicario: Day of the Soldado (Sony) - $12.6 million N/A

5. Ocean’s 8 (Warner Bros.) - $7.6 million -35%

6. Tag (New Line/WB) – $4.5 million -45%

7. Deadpool 2 (20thCentury Fox) - $2.9 million -45%

8. Sanju (FIP) - $2.5 million N/A

9. Solo: A Star Wars Story (Lucasfilm/Disney) - $2.3 million -50%

10. Hereditary (A24) – $2 million -47%

LIMITED RELEASES, ETC.

I’m happy to say that there’s quite a lot of good stuff being released in select cities this weekend, including two of the bigger buzz films from Sundance.

Opening on Thursday at the Metrograph in NYC is Bobbito Garcia’s doc Rock Rubber 45s (Saboteur Media), which is basically an overview of his amazing life and career, starting as a street basketball prodigy, to his tenure working in A&R at Def Jam during its heyday, becoming a sought-after DJ, as well as a sneaker-designing pioneer.  Garcia is a bit of a Zelig with his presence felt in so many different aspects of music, sports and fashion, and if you’re into streetball then you should definitely check out this movie either before or after seeing Uncle Drew. The Puerto Rican Garcia enlisted a number of celebrity friends/fans including Lin Manuel Miranda, Michael Rapaport and Rosie Perez to help tell his story, and yeah, it’s a little weird for Garcia to be directing a doc about himself, but hey, who else would know him better? (And there’s some really personal revelations made in the doc.)

Winter’s Bone director Debra Granik returns with Leave No Trace (Bleecker Street), starring Ben Foster and newcomer Thomasin McKenzie as father Will and daughter “Tom” living in the wilds of Portland, basically wanting to live by their own rules instead of society. When they’re found by the authorities, they’re forced to change their ways, but it’s going to be tougher for Will, a former soldier, to adjust to a different life than the one they’ve created for themselves in the woods. This fantastic drama will open in select cities Friday.

Tim Wardle’s doc Three Identical Strangers (Neon), a hit out of the Sundance Film Festival, takes a look at the three young men who discovered at the age of 19 that they were one third of a triad of triplets. They spend the rest of their lives taking advantage of the fame they received from the amazing revelation only to discover a dark secret about why they were separated at birth. This is a great doc that I highly recommend if you’re looking for more of the genre to see after Won’t You Be My Neighbor and RBG. (What a GREAT year for docs we’re having!)

Jessica Chastain stars in the Susanna White-directed Western Woman Walks Ahead (A24) as New York painter Katherine Weldon who travels to North Dakota to paint a portrait of Chief Sitting Bull (Michael Greyeyes), who is contending with the government trying to get his people to agree to their land treaty. Also starring Sam Rockwell and Ciaran Hinds, this is a decent historical drama that includes a bit of romance but also offers an inherent timeliness with our current government treating immigrants as badly as the government did its natives back in the 19thCentury. I also had a chance to interview director Susanna White at Toronto, and you can read that interview and learn more about the film over at NextBestPicture.com.

If you’re looking for some alternatives to the wide releases, I can recommend all four movies above.

After that, there’s a few odds and ends, including Pasha Patriki’s undersea action-thriller Black Water (Saban Films/Lionsgate) starring ‘80s legends Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren – seriously? Have these two never been in a movie together?!? –with Van Damme playing an operative being kept as a prisoner by the CIA on a submarine until he joins forces with a fellow prisoner, played by Lundgren.

That movie is not to be confused with Dark River (Filmrise), Clio Barnard’s psychological drama starring Ruth Wilson as Alice, a woman who returns to her hometown after the death of her father to claim the family farm from her brother (Mark Stanley). It’ll play in select cities and be available On Demand after premiering at the Toronto Film Festival last year.

The Craft and Hamlet II director Andrew Fleming reunites with Steve Coogan for Ideal Home (Brainstorm Media), which co-stars Paul Rudd, the two of them playing a bickering gay couple whose life is changed when a ten-year-old shows up claiming to be one of their grandsons.

Kate Bosworth stars in Mike P. Nelson’s post-apocalyptic thriller The Domestics (Orion Classics) along with Tyler Hoechlin, which will be released in theaters Thursday, then On Demand Friday, so don’t blink or you’ll miss it.

I haven’t seen Xavier Legrand’s French drama Custody (Kino Lorber), which opens at the IFC Centerafter running the festival gauntlet, but it involves a couple getting divorced who get into a custody battle. The IFC Center is also playing a 4k restoration of Alexandre Rockwell’s In the Soup starring Steve Buscemi following its premiere at Tribeca a few months back.

Israeli filmmaker Ofir Raul Grazier’s The Cakemaker (Strand), the Centerpiece of the New York Jewish Film Festival is about Thomas, a gay German baker who begins an affair with a married Israeli businessman, but when he dies, Thomas travels to Jerusalem under a false identity and begins working with his lover’s widow. It will open at the Quadin New York on Friday. (The Quad is also starting an ambitious series called “The New York Woman” with female-centric films set in New York City. Lots of good stuff in there!)

Other stuff out this weekend include Matt Osterman’s sci-fi film Hover (Syfy Films), written and starring Aussie actor Cleopatra Coleman (The Last Man on Earth, Step Up Revolution); Oscar-winning filmmaker Louis Psihoyos’ new doc Gamechangers (Parade Deck Films) about UFC champ James Wilks’ road to recovery after being injured; Daniel McCabe’s doc This is Congo (Abramorama), which looks at the ongoing conflict in the African country (on the 58thAnniversary of its independence); and also the self-explanatory Larger than Life: The Kevyn Aucoin Story (The Orchard) will open in Chicago Friday, in L.A. on July 20, and then be On Demand and digital starting July 31.

If you’re in New York, you’ll probably already know about the New York Asian Film Festival, which kicks off its 17thyear this Friday with Tominaga Masanori’s Dynamite Graffiti and closing with Erik Matti’s Phillipine film BuyBust. Unfortunately, I haven’t been able to see any of the movies in advance, but there are always some nice surprises.

But honestly, if you don’t feel like going out to the movies and just want to stay home and watch Season 2 of the Netflix lady wrestling show Glow, then I certainly won’t blame you.

That’s it for this week. Next week is the 4thof July (on Wednesday) with Blumhouse’s The First Purgetaking on Marvel’s Ant-Man and the Wasp opening Friday. I hope to have the column up by Weds. morning.

[blunder-x-blog]

The 25 Best Albums of 2017

the Staff

2017 has been a little bit of a whirlwind year. If we thought that 2016 could get somehow worse in any way, 2017 has topped it. But taking a break from possible nuclear world war III, losing the power of the internet, men being whiny babies because retribution is finally coming for the awful scumbags in Hollywood, and our president cheeto’s tiny, waving hands, music is our savior. Music is universal, music is wondrous, and these artists made that abundantly clear. From collaborations made in heaven to strumming guitars recorded on Iphones, 2017 is diverse, daunting, and yes, oh so good. Throughout the year these albums have stuck with me in one form or another. They’ve come with me to Australia, and to my first solo apartment. They’ve played as I worked my first internship job, and they’ve been the soundtrack to my final senior thesis project. They’ve been with me as I’ve lost love and found it, and they’re with me as I move into my final semester of college. Today I present to you my personal top 25 albums of 2017.

Honorable Mentions:

As a radio host, this list began in 2015 and I only had 3 hours to do the show, so I kick off the list of the albums that would have definitely made a top 50 list, but neither me nor anybody else has that kind of time.

Toro y Moi // Boo Boo

King Krule // Ooz

Lil Yachty // Teenage Emotions (Bring it back)

Gorillaz // Humanz

All of which were absolutely fantastic, but ultimately did not make the list (hey, I’m only human). So, without further ado, from bottom to top:

25. Lil B // Black Ken

So here’s the thing about Lil B. Yes, he is the #basedgod, and yes, I did listen to his hundreds of mixtapes in high school, but one of my favorite things about Brandon McCartney is his undeniable message of improvement. He went on tour in 2009 for a self help book he wrote, which still cracks me up to this day (#staybased). And after 2015’s unforgettable Hoop Life, he went on a bit of a hiatus, coming back with one of the most well-produced, succinct rap albums I’ve heard in a long time, let alone coming from Lil B himself. He takes us through a little bit of the story with “Still Run It” and “DJ Based God”, and yet this album is worlds away from his previous work of drunkenly freestyling over unmastered beats. Slick and jazzy with excellent drops and good flow, Black Ken is unforgettable, coming from one of the most unforgettable rappers out there.

24. Jay Som // Everybody Works

Every so often there is an indie rock album that you hear that you cannot forget any time soon. Alvvays 2014’s Alvvays is in a similar vein, and Everybody Works is the kind of album you can put on, jam out to with gin and orange juice and forget a little bit that everything kinda sucks. And yet, most of these songs are about things sucking, at least in a romantic sense. Many of the songs feature heartbreak (“One More Time Please” and “The Bus Song”). And yet there is also overcoming fear; to go on and perform in front of a crowd, to share your message and have it mean something (“(Bedhead)”). Jay Som is definitely someone to watch over the next few years.

23. Mount Eerie // A Crow Looked At Me

Music is emotional, and this album is the kind of album that reminds me of Joni Mitchell’s Blue, of the sickness and heartbreak and sadness that is human. A Crow Looked At Me was a response to the death of Phil Elverum’s wife, and this loss can literally be felt with every pluck of his guitar strings. From the opening line of the album, that “Death is real”, to the final track of the album, of a tender walk in the woods with his wife, seeing a crow flying over the trees. The crow was an omen, says Elverum, he just wasn’t sure of what it was, and A Crow Looked at Me takes us that place of uncertainty, yes, but ultimately it takes us with Elverum as he returns to the world. It takes us through his loss and into the void to emerge from the other side, human, and not quite sure what’s going to happen next.

22. Alvvays // Antisocialites

Okay yes, I’ve already mentioned Alvvays on this list literally two slots ago but it was because I flipped out so much when this band released this album that I’ve been waiting for for three years. When they first made headlines in 2014, it was from their lead single, an extremely sarcastic anthem of...matrimony. There is no “Marry Me, Archie” on this album, and yet each track is still just as poignantly indie-rock as their debut. “In Undertow”, the first single released on the album, was released about midway through the summer. This song is ultimately about a relationship ending, and just having pulled myself from a similar situation as the narrator, it’s chorus of “there’s no turning, no turning back after what’s been said” struck a chord, as one might say, with me. There is no turning back, but “You find a wave and try to hold on for as long as you can”, says lead singer Molly Rankin, and I can at least hold onto that wave, too.

21. Torres // Three Futures

I saw Mackenzie Scott go on tour for this album, and she showed up on stage wearing a blazer over a sports bra and 5 inch heels. It was pretty intimidating. Scott made my best album list back in 2015 with her incredible release Sprinter, and yet, Three Futures resonated somehow more with me. Perhaps it was the title track’s chorus, singing, “You didn't know I saw three futures / One alone, and one with you / And one with the love I knew I'd choose”. Yes, something may end, but we may emerge from that darkness again and end with something w both want. Also, the music video for “Skim”, the lead single, is something else, and definitely worth a watch.

20. Kesha // Rainbows

This album for me was an anthem. Kesha Sebert has been kind of an icon for middle-school me; “Tik Tok” dropped when I was twelve, and it dominated the music of middle-school dances. And if it wasn’t “Tik Tok”, it was one of the gajillion other top hits. And then I learned that her producer had been sexually harassing her and preventing her from having practically say on any of her artistic releases. And Kesha’s struggle somehow that year became all of our struggles. Kesha fought a long, uphill battle separating away from Kemosabe and Dr. Luke, and this record is a direct response to that. It’s even more fitting then that men are finally getting what’s coming to them. As Kesha sings in one of the singles, “Woman”, “I'm a motherfucking woman, baby, alright / I don't need a man to be holding me too tight”

19. James McAllister, Bryce Dessner, Nico Muhly, Sufjan Stevens // Planetarium

Okay, yes. This album is long, this album is kinda mostly experimental classical music. It’s a lot of beeps, it’s a lot of boops. But listen though; I still maintain that everything Sufjan Stevens touches is absolute gold; and also, this album is a classical music match made in heaven. I may be just making excuses, but when “Saturn” dropped back in June, I lost my shit. And again after “Mercury” dropped three weeks later. I may be one of the only few people who loved this album, but let me tell you, firstuvall, it’s an album about space, and seconduvall, the transitions from “Kuiper’s Belt” to “Black Hole” to “Saturn” is something remarkable. I know “Jupiter” is a little overblown, but like, let’s be real, “Mercury” makes up for it, following the nearly 15 minute long instrumental “Earth”, ending with Steven’s quiet voice over intimate guitar, singing, “All that I dream / Where do you run, where do you run to? / Now I am messed up”. Yeah, Suffy, I’m a little messed up too.

18. Slowdive // Slowdive

Okay, I didn’t think that I would get into shoegaze this year, but let me tell you, this release changed my mind. I’m sure that the infamous reputation of shoegaze concerts gets out there, but actually going to one and just kind of sitting there mesmerized in the green light, standing without moving as some guy is just staring at his feet as he mostly just changes the pedals on his guitar? I’ll admit that sounds silly, but ho boy is it pretty dope. And Slowdive kind of did the perfect thing you could do: have only a limited catalogue for fans, go on hiatus, keep all the people who actually mattered in the band, and then release a damn good album after ten years. “Star Roving” kinda changed my view on shoegaze; pedals guitars never sounded so good.

17. The National // Sleep Well, Beast

I think the National have yet to release something that isn’t brilliant in every way possible. I’m not intimately familiar with their catalogue, but on a cold evening when I’m working on studying and want to slam my head against the blackboard, the quiet guitars and the deep, soothing voice of Matt Berninger singing about how much more life can suck keeps me going. Like a bunch of other albums on this list it’s once again about heartbreak, this time a marriage falling apart. “Day I Die” has Berninger singing to you, “I don’t need you, I don’t need you”, but his hushed quiet whisper on the last track/title track of the album whispering, “I’ll tell you about it sometime” leading up to this almost weirdly crunchy guitar riff closes out the album leaving you with something of a sort of hope, at least. Which is mostly what the National does -- it’s pretty sad stuff, and yet, somehow, you keep coming back to its brilliance.

16. Sampha // Process

2017’s music scene came in two parts: part one was people we all love releasing really good shit, and then the second part was people I’ve never heard of releasing really good music from absolutely nowhere. Sampha was part two. He had done a bunch of stuff (in re, collaborate with Kanye West) but I had never heard of this guy. Until he released an album centered around his mother’s battle with cancer and ultimate death. The first time I heard “Timmy’s Prayer”, I thought to myself, damn. Quiet music has a good place, and Sampha’s hushed voice over the ambient chords singing “I messed up, ooh / I know now / There's no room for me to play now” reminds me that yeah, I’ve messed up too. The real magic of the song, however, comes from the building of the bridge as Sampha sings with increasing fervor, “I wanna tell you that love comes and goes / That it comes and goes.” We all make mistakes, and sometimes it’s pretty fucking hard, and yet that process can lead to something beautiful, something wondrous.

15. Kelela // Take Me Apart

There is a reason that pop music is changing. For so long it’s been defined by EDM, and finally (finally) it’s shifting -- yes, to r&b. Thank goodness. And this album is the kind of album that reminds me why r&b is so good. Take Me Apart is Kelela’s debut, and you can bet I’m going to be paying attention to her in the next few years. I like to save songs that I really enjoy on a playlist for the season and I had to keep myself from just saving the entire album on the list as each song was equally as brilliant as the song that came before. A transition between to relationships, the album begins with a breakup song, but the brilliance comes from not only the lyrics, but the utterly intoxicating build through the first verse until the beat drops as the chorus begins, Kelela singing, “Couldn't take it back even though you wish I could / If you think I'm going back, you misunderstood.” (”Frontline”) The album takes you through the emotional journey of beginning another relationship however, and ultimately ends with a track of encouragement, that yeah, black women can fuck up the world, too: “There's a place for everyone / Let me remind you, let me remind you.”

14. Arcade Fire // Everything Now

Arcade Fire never does anything lightly. They had a whole fake branding down to the fake website for Reflektor, which ended up being a nearly 70 minute long somewhat-bloated excapade. Then they decided to do disco, and for some reason the critic world decided they didn’t like it. Fuck that. Everything Now was my summer listening album (other than a few more noteworthy albums to come). My coworkers and I blasted the lead single “Everything Now” through the open window of our field sampling van as we took buckets of crabs into the lab, and my friends and I sang the lyrics to “Signs of Life” as we strutted through the streets of Manhattan on our 21st birthday. I don’t even care that Pitchfork tore this album to shreds, if you don’t dance when the chorus of “Looking for signs of life / Looking for signs every night / But there's no signs of life / So we do it again” drops, something is wrong with you.

13. LCD Soundsystem // american dream

I’ll admit, I have never listened to LCD Soundsystem that much. I respected them as one of the more well known rock bands of the indie scene, and I had obviously heard a few of their more popular numbers on college radio (“All My Friends”). When their synthesizer/DJ genius person Gavin Rayna Russom came out as trans, it caught my attention. So when american dream came along, the release after a hiatus (post hiatus albums always get me, in re: Fall Out Boy, Sleater Kinney and obviously Slowdive) I listened to it. And it was a fantastic intro to the band: the long dancy kinda songs (“other voices” and “tonight”) to the even longer anthems (“how do you sleep”) and the even longer experimental EDM songs LCD is so well known for (“pulse v.1”), this album impressed me, and I came back for more. I understood why LCD soundsystem was so acclaimed; their music was damn good, and worth the wait.

12. Migos // C U L T U R E

Donald Glover called “Bad n Boujee” the best rap song he had ever heard. I’m not sure it’s the best I’ve ever heard, but Migos’ Culture was a damn good album. Impressively produced by 18 people and yet the three rappers at the center of the album are never lost. “Bad n Boujee”, the obvious hit from the album and collaboration with Lil Uzi Vert, is pretty relevant in today’s materialism, talking about getting rich and being with women with expensive taste. With lines like “cookin’ up dope in a crockpot” and “I'm young and rich and plus I'm boujee (hey)”, the song is big, and relevant, and addicting. Bourgeois is the new 1%, and if you’re not living it up, then what’s the point of living.

11. Run the Jewels // Run the Jewels 3

Run the Jewels’ first album was a little more of an experimental thrust into the world, and their second album brought the politicism and polarized lyrics we’ve come to know. Their third album takes what has been established and solidifies it into something uniquely theirs: big, bad and in your face; only the lyrics pack a little more punch than you first thought on the first listen. With team-ups with Danny Brown (“Hey Kids (Bumaye)”) to songs that are just RTJ taking it to the next level and keeping it as hype and as loud and as relevant as we’ve come to expect (“Talk To Me” and “Legend Has It”), RTJ3 is excellent, staying with us all the way through 2017 since its release in January. Oh, and if “Pather like a Pather” isn’t featured in Marvel’s Black Panther, they’re doing something really fucking wrong.

10. Vince Staples // big fish theory

When Vince Staples announced that he was departing from the previous sound of his critically acclaimed Summertime ‘06, I wasn’t quite sure what to expect. Then I heard that SOPHIE, of PC Music notoriety, was helping produce his album. The songs that carrie SOPHIE’s touch are obvious (“SEMO”, “Yeah Right”); SOPHIE is not a subtle producer, but this newer, bigger sound didn’t drown Staples’ raps, they exemplified them. Staples thrives in this sound as he thrived in the atonality of Summertime, and songs like “BagBak” and “745” are impressively big, hooking the listener in and keeping them coming back for more. I was impressed, and big fish theory is an album I have returned to several times this year. Staples takes us into his life with “Big Fish”, looking out at the world from how far he’s come in his fish bowl, and somehow the intimacy comes through amidst the bigger, badder sound.

9. Syd // Fin

This album was released in February. My friend called me and told me I needed to “have sweet lesbian sex to this album right now”. I couldn’t, so I put it off (idiotically) until I finally (only) listened to the album months later, in July. And I felt like an idiot. Syd, one half of the funk/r&b duo The Internet, is a queer icon. She shits gold, and her voice is the kind of smooth, cocky voice that is addicting and extremely sexy. Fin exemplifies this. Only Syd can pull of a braggadocio, egotistical song about fame, money, and of course, bitches: “I’m the one your girl been posting tweets ‘bout / This the kinda life me and my niggas used to dream ‘bout / Riding round your city in a mother fucking spaceship” (”No Problem”). Only Syd can sing this explicitly about sex and somehow make it tender: “Baby we can take it slow, say my name / Don't let go, I can hear your body when I / Pull your hair, what’s my name” from “Body” basically sum up the album. It’s Syd bragging about how great she is, and fuck yes, is she great.

8. HAIM // Something to Tell You

HAIM has been my favorite band since I first heard “The Wire” on my college radio as I drove home one afternoon just before I graduated as a senior. I listened to that album nearly every day that summer, and since then, I listen to the band and think of home. I was so nervous the moment I heard the news about their new release; I was terrified it was going to be a sellout record and absolute garbage. It wasn’t. It was no Days Are Gone, but it was just as wistful, just as smooth as Days Are Gone was, with a little extra disco. Sure, there are moments when it’s a little overproduced (sorry Ariel Rechtshaid, I don’t really care to hear this weird pop fake horse neigh on “Want You Back”, I just want to hear Este Haim’s slap bass and Alana’s first extended vocal solo since “Spirit Wind”). I may not have every song memorized yet, but you can bet I scream along to the chorus of the cathartic “Found it in Silence”: “But I found it in silence, I finally see / There's no turning back, I know what's good for me” or the almost Imogen Heap-like “Kept Me Crying”: “I was your lover / I was your friend / Now I'm only just someone you call / When it's late enough to forget”, and finally we hear the Danielle Haim Guitar Solo we’ve been waiting to hear since the beginning of the album. There’s throwback disco (“You Never Knew”), there’s raging blues rock (“Little of your Love”), there’s cathartic goodbyes (“Right Now”), and yeah, I’m a little teary. My band didn’t disappoint, and I am happy.

7. Jlin // Black Origami

This album was released in February, and has stuck with me throughout the entire year. It’s a black woman who refuses to let people (aka, white men) produce her work for her. It’s experimental and percussive and sometimes makes your brain feel like it’s melting (“1%). There aren’t many lyrics in the album, it’s almost entirely EDM experimental percussion, and gosh man, is it good. I listened to the album for the first time and I physically felt myself leave my body for a few moments to forget I was human. The percussive roots of the album are apparent in tracks like “Kyanite” and “Nyakinyua Rise”, and she gives us quieter moments with “Calcination” a rest from the percussive sound centered at the album’s heart. This album blew me away and stuck with me, and was one of the most out-of-nowhere albums of the year. There are surprises hidden away in this world; you just have to find them.

6. Giraffage // Too Real

So it was not once but twice my friend called me in frantic haze, saying, “Molly. Remember when I called you in February to tell you you needed to listen to Syd’s album that very moment and you didn’t and it bit you in the butt? Listen to this album right now.” I had never heard of Giraffage, and when I pulled the album up on spotify I was greeted by a naked blue guy’s butt, resembling Watchmen’s Dr. Manhattan, looking at a crumbling earth. Little was I to know that some vaporwave album from nowhere would go on to be one of my absolute favorite albums of the year. It’s indietronica/vapor soul at its finest: little to no lyrics except for the vocal distortion of “oooOOh YEAH” on the album’s opener “Do U Want Me” (somewhat off putting) until the funk kind of chimes in about 15 seconds later and takes you on the smoothest journey to vaportown. This may seem like I’m chiding the album, but that is the album’s vibe. It chides you until you listen to it 8 more times just that week. Something about future funk is addicting, and I can’t quite put my finger on it.

5. St. Vincent // MASSEDUCTION

How about we take the fallout of a relationship between two of the most iconic women on earth, that we thought for sure were gonna get married, have the musician at the center of the fallout write an album inspired in part from it, and have Jack Antonoff produce it. And let’s have every track be so St. Vincent that the album may in fact be her best album yet. From the moment “New York” dropped in the middle of the summer and became one of my quickly most listened to tracks of the year (“you’re the only motherfucker in this city who forgives me”) to the dropping of “Los Ageless” as a crunchy indie rock anthem (“How can anybody have you? / How can anybody have you and lose you? / How can anybody have you and lose you / And not lose their minds, too?”) to the fervent listen I gave the entire album the second it dropped on a September Friday, to seeing Annie Clark herself perform the album in its entirety live in Maine, this album has been one of my defining albums of 2017. In the end, Clark hints at what made that relationship fall apart on possibly my favorite track of the album, “Slow Disco”: “Am I thinking what everybody's thinkin'? / I'm so glad I came, but I can't wait to leave”. We’ll miss you until next time, Annie. But we’ll keep coming back.

4. Kendrick Lamar // DAMN.

Kendrick Lamar has been on my top albums of the year list since 2015. The man releases a living masterpiece, To Pimp a Butterfly, to critical acclaim. Next year, the same year Kanye West releases one of the most overproduced albums I’ve seen in my living years, he drops untitled unmastered, which went on to steal my heart. This year, he decides to make an album about growing up as a young black man in Compton, CA, and somehow makes it the most listenable rap album of the year. He is deservedly on the top spot again for both Pitchfork and NPR and a number of other publications, and deserves nothing less. From the songs everybody has on their party playlists, “Humble” and “DNA”, to collaborations with Rihanna and, um, U2?, to the end track of the album “Duckworth” telling the story of Lamar’s now-producer avoiding a robbery at Lamar’s father’s counseling, rewinding back to the beginning of the album, right back where we started: “So I was takin’ a walk the other day...”. The cycle repeats, and Lamar is left right in the center of it all, exactly where he should be.

3. SZA // Ctrl

Sometimes there are people in this world who are born with the voice of an angel and Solána Rowe is one of them. I idiotically did not listen to this album upon its immediate release; it was not until I was recapping the summer did my friend berate me for not listening to Ctrl. I listened to it and immediately fell head over heels in love with Rowe and everything she’s ever released. Ctrl took the minimalistic groundwork laid in Z and upped the ante, making the songs even more listenable than you thought. There’s a reason that r&b makes such good soundtracks to any sort of activity you could imagine; exemplified by the smooth base and twinkling synths of “The Weekend” to the more laid back “Drew Barrymore” as she sings, “am I / Warm enough for ya outside baby, yeah”, worrying like all of us do, in a moment of self doubt, if we are in fact good enough for the loved ones around us. Ctrl exemplifies this self doubt, making it poignant, universal, and oh so listenable.

2. Lorde // Melodrama

Lorde is my age, and it’s a little bit jarring. And yet, every single thing she sings about being a 21-year old is somehow reflected back into my life. Perhaps it was the release order of her singles, from “Green Light”, which sounded like a typical pop song with pretty good lyrics, to “Liability”, easily the best song Lorde has ever released in her entire life (“They say, "You're a little much for me, you're a liability / You're a little much for me” / So they pull back, make other plans / I understand, I'm a liability”), to “Perfect Places”, one of the greatest party anthems I have heard over these years, Lorde has outdone herself again. And if it couldn’t get any better, she takes one of the weaker songs on the album, “Homemade Dynamite”, and releases a remix with Khalid, SZA, and Post Malone (yes, you heard me right). Everything about this album is exactly what it needs to be, from the “glamour and the trauma and the fuckin' / Melodrama” to her whisper at the end of the album as the music crashes leaving her alone and tired and young, Lorde has created a masterpiece. I still ask myself, since the album has released, as I dance in dark lights crossfaded on friday evenings, surrounded by people...“What the fuck are perfect places, anyway?”

1. Khalid // American Teen

I’ll be real; this album may not have been as poignant as DAMN., as universal as Melodrama, or as listenable as Ctrl, but the moment this album was released in May, from the ending chorus of the opening and titular track “American Teen” sung by Khalid’s friends, to his smooth voice over a single piano at the end of “Angels”, I knew Khalid had my album of the year. Heartbreak, frustration, independent and lack of it, struggle, peer pressure and over it all, Khalid’s molasses voice singing over the release of (in my opinion) one of the best r&b albums I’ve heard, this album is universal. Every teenager has been where Khalid has been; trying to hide the smell of marijuana in his car from his parents (“8TEEN”) to losing hope when we thought we could make it through the hardest part (“Winter”), to the heartbreak of young love (“Another Sad Love Song”) we’ve been there. I listened to this album a gajillion times this year. I may not be a teenager anymore, but I’m about to graduate from college and be an adult. It’s a little terrifying. And if a 19 year old can make it through that process of independence (and then go on to release an exceptional album), then damn it, I can make it through too.