#its about consuming and being consumed!!!!!!!!!!! Eating your loved one because you cannot stand them existing outside of yourself!!!!!!!!!

[forgetful-river]

Sometimes being in love is like getting your eye gored in a fit of purifying violence, sometimes it's not

[vegi1]

Can Vegetarians Drink Milk?

As a member of the vegan community, I know that some substances are forbidden for vegans and som of vegetarians.

vegans and vegetarians follow these rules and avoid particular substances because they are not healthy . also to protect the animals, those in need, and the whole planet.

I will elaborate on this matter further in the article.

We have to discuss this fact mainly can vegetarians drink milk?

You must know that the correct information on this case is crucial and can change the whole perspective.

So if you are ready, let’s get started with the article and see if vegetarians can drink milk and, if not, what can replace it for them.

I told you that vegans and vegetarians who care about their health and the lives of animals do not drink milk, do not eat cheese, and do not consume any animal dairy products.

Because there are many reasons that the production of milk and dairy products is not healthy, it is harmful to health, it causes great harm to animals, it is cruel, and it damages the environment.

We produce milk, cheese, yogurt and dairy products from herbs and nuts. .

These are the basics of being a vegan and vegetarian; however, this matter elaborates, meaning that in the next section of the article, I will be telling you the ultimate answer r to the question that suggests can vegetarians drink milk.

And I will tell you about some substitutes that can replace milk for all vegetarians and vegans.

However, I must mention that the substances in the milk can be found in plant-based food, and there is no obligation to use milk to get them.

Now let’s get to the next section of the statement.

Vegans avoid any animal products, no matter if it is for eating or wearing. The case is that when you are a vegan, you believe that all lives matter and we humans have no right to tolerate the abuse of other creatures.

And besides, some industries worldwide use animal testing and many other actions to perfect their products. And as vegans, we cannot stand by the idea that these products result from animal cruelty.

So these are the main reasons that some vegetarians avoid milk and other dairies,.

Many people, if they go to a cattle farm, feel nauseous because of the unpleasant smell there. If many people see the milking scene in person, they will not be able to touch that milk. Many people do not like the taste of raw milk and say it smells.

It is good to know that animal milks that are available in the market under the name of pasteurized have flavoring and preservatives to remove the real smell of milk from them.

When healthy vegetable milks are available and can be made easily at home, why should you cause death and harm to animals by buying a liquid that is not produced for human consumption?

However, you must review your choices and ensure that you always make the right decision.

Now that you know the deal about vegetarianism and milk let’s cite some of the alternatives for milk, and then we should finish the article, shall we?

1. The first one we love is soy milk, which is made of soy, and it is one of the best milk replacements for vegans because of all its nutrition, such as 4.5 grams of fat and 9 grams of carbohydrates.

2. The second alternative is almond milk which is somewhat similar to milk with almond flavor, but it is more than that.

Every 240 ml of almond milk has approximately 2 grams of carbohydrates, 1 gram of protein, and 2.5 grams of fat.

Which are the main substances of the milk.

3. The next alternative is coconut milk; this one is made from two simple substances, coconut and water.

This excellent drink has 45 calories, no carbohydrates, and 4 grams of fat, and the taste of it is fantastic and off the charts.

4. The last one I’d like to tell you about is the Oat milk.

Like in the past, this milk is made from oat and water, and every 240 ml of this drink has 170 calories, 5 grams of protein, 5 grams of fat, and 29 grams of carbohydrates.

These are some of the particular kinds of milk that I have found that can make your diet much better, and you can drink this milk instead of consuming cow milk which is not hygienic and comes from animal abuse.

[doggiefooditems]

Can Dogs Eat Star fruit? We, humans, love Carambola, the fruit of Caramboleira, which belongs to the Oxalidaceae family. As a fruit that originates from tropical Asia, it is now popular worldwide. Since it is such a popular fruit, the question may arise, can dogs eat star fruit? In case you are wondering, the answer is straightforward; star fruit is not suitable for dogs because this bittersweet fruit, even though it is very rich in minerals and vitamins, its toxicity thinly attacks the kidneys due to its high content of oxalate crystals, a toxic substance. Many tutors believe that because the fruit has a bittersweet flavor and is pleasant to taste, it will not harm the dog. However, some fruits are strictly prohibited by dogs, and star fruit is one of them. This article clarifies all your doubts about star fruit for dogs, whether you should give it to them, what the dangers are, and much more. Is star fruit good for dogs? If you are wondering whether the dog can eat star fruit, although it is delicious, star fruit cannot be given to the dog. The main reason is that it contains oxalate salts, which are highly harmful to a dog's kidneys and are found in greater concentrations in the leaves, stems, and green fruits of star fruit. Petite, obese, and sedentary dogs are particularly at risk, but regardless of the size and health condition of the dog, it is a fruit that must be avoided, not even as a treat. Are star-fruits bad for dogs? Understand the Dangers A significant danger of star fruit is that it may harm the kidneys of dogs because it contains oxalate crystals, a toxic substance. The dog's intestinal tract absorbs this crystal, significantly reducing the body's supply of this mineral when it binds with calcium. One of the most severe consequences of oxalic acid is kidney failure; depending on its severity, it can even lead to death. Being one of the body’s principal organs, if it is harmed, it can affect the entire functioning of the dog's body since it is a toxin that it cannot filter. Additionally, carambola contains caramboxin, a toxin that causes neurological changes and causes liver malfunction, preventing diseased cells from recovering. The Symptoms of Starfruit Poisoning First, even if your dog eats a small amount of star fruit, it is worth paying attention to the signs and, as needed, contacting the vet immediately. Here we separate the symptoms that indicate starfruit intoxication: Urine with the presence of blood; Apathy; vomiting; excessive thirst; fainting; Difficulty walking or staggering; disorientation; Somnolence. After your dog consumes star fruit, you should take him to the vet to determine whether it is poisoning, as early diagnosis can lead to more effective treatment. How to Diagnose Starfruit Poisoning? A vet will also check your blood pressure, heart rate, and temperature in addition to all the abovementioned factors. Additionally, the dog will be observed for pupil dilation, dim vision, and inability to stand. This knowledge makes it feasible to determine the severity of intoxication, and hospitalization may be necessary. Another approach is to induce vomiting; however, never do this at home, as you can worsen the condition, and this procedure must be done by a qualified professional. Frequently Asked Questions Do star-fruits cause diarrhea? Keep star fruit away if you experience unpleasant effects, such as nausea, diarrhea, or vomiting after eating it. Can the star fruit be frozen? Fresh star fruit or star fruit dropped from the branch does not persist long once picked or dropped from the tree. To extend the starfruit season, refreeze the liquid or fruit and consume it for several weeks. Fruit or juice can be frozen quickly. What is a star devil fruit? The Devil Fruit Star Fruit grants the user star-related powers. The fairy Scurvy, the singer of the renegade bandits, ate it. The advantages of consuming star fruit are numerous.

It's a tasty exotic fruit with fewer fats and carbohydrates, but it's loaded with nutrients and powerful anti-oxidants like citric acid. Starfruit can support normal glucose levels, defend the circulatory system, and enhance the body's defense system. Can someone with diabetes consume star fruit? fight diabetes Fruit fiber in starfruit helps control sugar levels and levels of insulin. The report says that eating foods rich in fiber can prevent diabetes and help people who already have diabetes. What does a star fruit taste like? Although star fruit is mainly unheard of in the United States, it is often added to meals and cocktails; its appealing star form makes it popular in raw and prepared cuisines worldwide. It tastes bittersweet, like a cross of poached pear, grapefruit, and citrus. Can dogs eat star apples? Improves digestive health. They are high in fiber. Vitamin C-rich. Helps control diabetes. As a result of fiber, glucose levels are within reach. An outstanding resource of antioxidants. Helps protect against iron deficiency anemia conclusion In short, if your question was whether your dog could eat star fruit, now you know the dangers and why you should avoid giving this fruit to your four-legged friend. Look for a Natural Food for Dogs specialist if you want to vary your dog's diet, even in the early stages. In contrast, dog food is the most suitable and balanced food for dogs at all stages of their lives. Here is a reading that may be of great importance to you. With all care, we have prepared this content to explain why your dog cannot eat star fruit, not even a snack.  

[astroaquarium]

Moon in Astrology: Who are you really?

the moon sign tells us how and the moons house tells us where;

who are you really...

Aries Moon:

🐯 you are very childlike and youthful-young at heart, you never want to grow up and deal with real world adult life

🐯 you are extremely passion driven, you see something you like and you stop at nothing to get it

🐯 you are a very impatient person, you want what you want and you want it now-its hard for you to stay in one spot or in one mood you are always moving forward

🐯 you struggle most with anger, it consumes you, makes your blood boil-there is an untammed rage that lives inside you

🐯 your mother may have been very childlike and have aggressive temper tantrums or alternatively been extremely driven, loving, and passionate

Taurus moon:

👛 you are grounded and reality focuesed, your feet are firmly on the ground so much so it is hard for you to ever really relax

👛 you find it hard to keep motivated, and match others pace, you like to take it easy and go at your own pace-you do not work well under pressure

👛 you struggle with overindulgence. this could be food-related, money related, drugs, anything. It is a coping mechanism which you use to fill emotional voids.

Gemini moon:

👭 you are deeply afraid of emotional connection, you avoid it at all costs, because you dont know how to relate to others on an emotional level, only intellectual. you lack emotional intellegence and too find it difficult to address ans understand your own feelings let alone others.

👭 you use hummor a lot to deflect. Hummor that is often other-focused, making fun of others, other peoples behaviour, or the external environemnt. Your joking nature can often be regarded as offensive, outlandish or unwarented to some, this is not what you intend, but you dont feel accountable for offending others with who you are. This is purely a mechanism to detract from yourself and the flaws you recognise in yourself.

👭 your mother may have been emotionally distant and not encouraged talking about feelings

Cancer moon:

🐚 you are extremely soft, loving, and giving, but this is a side of yourself you like to keep under wraps. Your emotions are strong, intuitive, and bold, you have a great understanding and knack for relating to others emotionally and can often sense pain and emotional hurt in others. You are a healer, a nurter and a giver-these are great qualities which can sometimes be abused and taken advantage of by others leaving you feeling drained and used.

🐚 you are highly sensitive and words cut deep for you. you take things said to you and about you to heart and can act out in a childish and/or volitile way when you feel attacked. This is a coping mechanism at dealing with your emorional pain which can ultimately leave you feeling even more emotional unrest.

Leo moon:

🌞 you are like sunshine, bold, bright, and full of energy. You are a bit of a primadonna/diva, you give off a lot of confidence, and like to talk yourself up. This is often an overcompensation for an upbringing that was focused on performance. You may only know of how to recieve love and affection from putting on a show.

🌞 you overexaggerate. This is a means to gain sympathy and attention that you so dearly crave. Your mother may have been very self-involved and never gave you the attention you needed.

Virgo moon:

🥗 you are a worry wort, you are constantly on high alert, looking behind your back, on the edge of your seat, in a constant state of over-arousal. You are always anticipating something to go wrong or thinking about what could go wrong, this keeps you up at night.

🥗 you need routine. others like it, or hate it, but you need it for emotional stability. You need to have things exactly how you like them when you like it. Control is a huge thing for you, this could be because your mother was very particular with how she raised you and always stuck with a routine, this may help remind you of a time you felt safe.

Libra moon:

⏳ you are self-unaware. You don’t have the best grasp on who you are, what you want, or what you are about. To cope with this, you seek out qualities in yourself you cant see in others. This means your connections with others are a vital part of your emotional idenity and without these meaningful relationships you crumble.

⏳ you struggle with dependancy on others, when others let you down you feel lost and cheated.

⏳ you may also struggle with disharmony in your relationships, whenever you argue or come into disagreements with others it can be realy damaging to you emotionally because you rely so much on reassurance from others to confirm your idenity. It may also really bother you because conflict is something you like to avoid, you would prefer to disregard your own opinion/feelings if it means you get to keep the peace and avoid the argument.

Scorpio moon:

🦅 you keep your cards close to your chest, your secrets are guarded by your heart, and your vulnerable side is rarely exposed. This is a coping mechanism to avoid disspaoitment and emotional unrest. As although you are a deeply emotional individual and feels things on a intense level, it scares you, who you are and what you feel are intensely overwhelming and this is something you want to keep burried deep within.

🦅 you are emotionally manipulative at worst and at best extremely emotionally intellegently tactful. you understand emotions very well, are extremely intiuitive, and can feel vibes and undercurrents that others cannot pick up on. This can make it very easy for you to take advantage of others emotional state to your advantge, or alternatively provide in-depth counselling and targted advice.

Sagittarius moon:

🏹 you are free-spirited and wise. You are naturally exapnsively minded, you are open to new things and new challenges more than most people, you are a risk-taker, and don’t fear the consequences of your rash actions.

🏹 you are emotionally void of expressing your feelings in a way that can be understood and heard by others. As you would rather deflect using hummor/running away or any other way possible. You don’t like to dwell on negative feelings, however you embrace and overexaggerate the positive ones.You are an optimist, almost depricatingly so that you don’t accept negative facts of reality.

Capricorn moon:

⚔️ you are practical, driven, goal-orientated and very prideful. Your extremely driven, which is what makes you so hungry for success in material form, whether that be wealth/trophies/awards/property/power/fame, you want something tangible you can show ofd for your hard work. This can sometimes be easy for you to neglect other areas in your life and see to emotional coldness/distance. You see feelings as time-wasteing, impratcial and a burden onto others. You wouldn’t want to worry/annoy others with your problems.

⚔️ your mother may have been absent or not very emotionally present in your life or taken on the role of the father, or may have been raised by a single parent. This may have made it hard for you to ever feel like you can be emotionally vulnerable with a care giver who was too busy or not present.

Aquarius moon:

🦩 you are unlike anyone else, you have a different way of seeing the world to others and often for this feel misunderstood. You may struggle with feelings of alienation, and often feel lonely, like no one can ever truely understand you.

🦩 you are an activist, a humanitarian, and have some very strong beliefs that you firmly stand by. You stand up for the underdog when no one else will because that who you identify with most.

🦩 highly stubborn, things are often your way or the highway. you dont shy away from confrontation nd in fact love to hammer your point home. this can get you into trouble.

🦩 you are emotionally closed-off, not because you are unemotional because you feel intensely and on a global scale, but because you don’t understand them. you are intellectually dominated, you think too hard, its hard for you to verbalise or understand emotions.

Pisces mooon:

🔮 you are soulful, an old soul, artsy, and often psychic. You feel on a mass scale, you are an emotional spounge-picking up on the undercurrents and vibrations of others. this can leave you in a very vulnerable state of being taken asvantage of as well as beinf emotionally abused and drainned because you take on so much of others pain.

🔮 likewise you are very sefless, you would do anything for those you love without thinking about how it affects you, always putting others wants and needs before your own.

🔮 you can be prone to addiction, either alcohol or drug abuse, or something completely different; shopping, money, sex, eating etc.

where this is expressed...

1st house: who you really are is shown on the outside, you dont hide who you are or pretend to be someone youre not. you are true to yourself.

2nd house: who you really are is shown in your values, you are what you value. your possessions reflect your true self, you buy and collect material items that express yourself and how you feel.

3rd house: who you really are is shown in how you communicate and talk to others. You express yourself and how you feel in the way you write and talk and how you interact with your siblings-they know the real you.

4th house: who you really are is shown in how in your private space, this could be your home, your room, a place where you feel safe and comfortable, your family know the real you.

5th house: who you really are is shown in your creative purisuits, what you do for fun, and how you express yourself creativly is where your heart really lies.

6th house: who you really are is shown in how you schedule your day and go about your mundane everyday chores, also in how you care for your pets-they know the real you.

7th house: who you realy are is shown in your partnerships; romantic and professional. you enter partnerships with people who you possess qualities you dont recognise in yourself.

8th house: who you really are is shown in your secrets and what you keep hidden from others.

9th house: who you really are is shown in your belifs religious or otherwise.

10th house: who you really are is shown in your reputation, or what you are striving to achieve.

11th house: who you really are is shown in your friendships, and how you feel about the collective.

12th house: who you really are is shown in your subconcious, dreams, and other altered states.

[sourwormsaresour]

idk if anyone has talked about this but I feel like no one has pointed this out yet. 

So, this fucker right here: 

Do you know why he’s named “chocolate” and how this food is associated with this character? 

Let’s start with how chocolate is made. The cocoa tree that produces cocoa beans and ultimately chocolate is very finicky with the environment it needs to thrive in; you need a very warm, humid climate year-round where it can also be protected from strong weather like harsh sunlight and heavy winds. That’s easily done within the rainforest where the weather is naturally maintained and surrounding trees can protect the cocoa tree from weather or in farms where these trees will be grown with other trees that will provide them with the protection they need. Alternatively, you can create a warm and humid greenhouse instead where the tree can be under constant surveillance to maintain its environment. The greenhouse approach is often seen in research to find ways of growing chocolate in other places around the world and hopefully making the approach affordable and sustainable enough to use over traditional methods. 

Here’s what the lab used to cultivate cocoa trees looks like. It’s called the “International Cocoa Quarantine Centre” and is based in Britain. 

Another factor in growing a cocoa tree is elevation. Ideally, you should be between 30-300 meters (about 100 to 1000 feet) above sea level or at least under 600 meters (about 2000 feet), which is considered low elevation. In general farming, lower elevations will create sweeter fruits that can ripen faster; the downsides of farming at such a level is everything being prone to rot faster, including the plants that bear the fruits themselves (specifically their roots). Farmers in low elevation need to consider factors like lower ventilation and lack of natural drainage, which can cause rotting.  Because of how complicated the conditions for cocoa trees are, it can get costly to grow and maintain them. One way to alleviate the cost of maintaining cocoa trees (besides exploitation of workers and unsustainable farming) is by tree grafting. This technique is commonly used in creating more trees in general and especially common in the chocolate industry. Grafting involves simply taking parts of a tree and attaching it to a tree that is genetically similar and doing so helps grow new cocoa trees, control the quality of the cocoa beans, and reduce cost of production overall. 

Here are some of the things that can happen if you don’t grow your cocoa tree properly. Unfortunately, some of these issues are unavoidable; why they happen and how to prevent them remains unknown and researchers are still trying to find answers that can explain why it happens and how to prevent or resolve them. 

After years of growing and waiting for the tree to mature and produce pods, we finally have cocoa beans to harvest and make chocolate. Creating chocolate itself involves a controlled form of rotting we know too well: fermentation. Disclaimer: some say fermentation is the opposite of rotting because it prevents decay but others say fermentation is defined as a controlled form of decay while rotting is defined as uncontrolled decay. For this post, I’ll stick with the latter definition. Fermentation allows us to get stuff like alcohol, yogurt, and kimchi by breaking down items, essentially making them decay and rot, to create new items by using microorganisms like bacteria and yeast to perform the process. Before cocoa beans turn into chocolate, they need to be fermented for a certain amount of days- no more and no less than necessary. It’s not going to be like wine such that aging the product will make the quality better. Over-fermenting leads to a waste product that’s just completely rotten, moldy, and just unusable in the end. And like any type of fruit, the cocoa pod will ultimately ripen and rot after it falls off the tree if it’s not used over time. Improper fermentation will also cause mold to occur, causing the beans to rot than ferment. Mold can also be caused by moisture coming in contact with the beans. Unlike cheese or meats, the mold on cocoa beans can cause long-term health issues if consumed. What we end up getting after fermenting, roasting, and grinding the beans is a pure cocoa paste or “pure chocolate.” Once the chocolate is made, it cannot get moldy; it can develop a mold-like appearance called bloom but that’s safe to eat and technically not mold. However, if you separate the cocoa powder from the paste, that can mold if it comes in contact with water.

Look at how moldy these cocoa beans can get: 

Pure chocolate has health benefits like providing antioxidants, being a major ingredient in skincare as cocoa butter, and reduce health issues. However, the chocolate we’re all used to eating is some cocoa paste with added ingredients (milk, nuts, fillings, etc.), and these ingredients are the things that end up turning chocolate into unhealthy food. You can eat pure cocoa paste, but it wouldn’t be defined as chocolate and it won’t be as tasty; even bars labeled "70% cacao" have added ingredients to it. One particular ingredient in chocolate that is a great example of how it makes chocolate unhealthy is processed sugar. Sugar itself has addicting properties and is unhealthy for many reasons, yet it’s a huge part of why we love to eat chocolate. It’s also why we have to eat chocolate with added ingredients in small quantities despite the health benefits chocolate has- the benefits and the downsides cancel each other out (i.e. pure chocolate prevents tooth decay but sugar causes tooth decay, chocolate lowers blood pressure yet sugar contributes to health issues that can cause higher blood pressure). The development of chocolate as a sweet candy in today’s world rather than a healthy ingredient also plays into this.

Based on this info, we can see how chocolate shaped Cioccolata as a character and his Stand’s abilities. The mold and rot aspect of Green Day is easily explained with the fermentation process and how the process of chocolate is susceptible to mold up throughout. Green Day’s functionality working only when victims are underneath Cioccolata is because cocoa trees require lower elevations to thrive and how lower elevation increases chances of rot in produce. The constant surveillance and maintenance of cocoa trees in a laboratory setting can reference Cioccolata finding pleasure in recording his victims’ misery, his “research” in torturing their bodies, as well as the intense and detailed work that comes with studying and practicing medicine. The tree grafting in the chocolate industry connects to Green Day’s second ability that allows it to dismember and reassemble Cioccolata with mold. It also connects to Ciccolata’s sadistic nature when it comes to manipulating his victims’ bodies and the brutality of his Stand’s mold being able to break people’s limbs apart (think Sorbet’s 36 frames, Gelato’s possible taxidermy when he was discovered by Formaggio, and how bodies affected are easily snapped apart when mold gets on them). The dichotomy of chocolate as healthy food and junk food also relates to Cioccolata as a character who should have been good (because he’s a doctor) but does more harm instead. The role of sugar in chocolate plays into that as well, but it’s especially related to how sugar cubes are used to control Secco and Cioccolata full name in JORGE JOESTAR is Dolcio Cioccolata (literally “sweet chocolate”). Hell, I can go on about how Secco’s name has a connection to chocolate too. 

I’ve seen how characters in VA are shaped by the food they’re named after, down to their Stand abilities, so it’s nice to see that Cioccolata follows this too. Let me know if you guys have other information that can add to Cioccolata’s characterization. :)

Btw this is based on some Googling I did, which involved reading a few papers that came up on search and a Chocolate tour that I did when I was in Guatemala last month, so please let me know if the information is incorrect or add with your findings to correct it. 

[collisiondiscourse]

say amen (bkdk drabble)

(a little drabble based off of one of my favorite posts that ive ever made)

Katsuki’s not a religious man.

Yeah, okay, he believes in deities and goes to temples, the blond will admit that much. The existence of a higher power isn’t really that far from the realms of possibility when he regularly interacts with people who have the head of a bird or engines for legs. He celebrates the holidays, and on days where he’s feeling especially magnanimous, Katsuki even buys temple charms and sends out a quick prayer to whoever might be listening.

But he isn’t religious.

He doesn’t like feeling like he’s indebted to someone. That somehow, somewhere, there is someone Katsuki should be grateful to for giving him all his successes. He worked hard to get where he is now all by himself, thank you very much. The idea that everything is somehow predetermined or controlled by someone he can’t even see is one that makes the blond break out into hives.

A man with any dignity such as Katsuki’s is too proud to kneel to any god.

But then again… Izuku Midoriya is no such god.

He’s very much human, Katsuki would believe despite the seemingly endless strength his short and stocky figure possesses. He’s freckles and sunburns and scars and toothy smiles and everything that used to make the blond’s blood boil. Deku can’t dress himself nicely to save his life and sings All Might show tunes in the shower when he thinks no one can hear. Katsuki’s seen the boy throw up on his dumb red shoes and laugh so hard he scared himself with his own snorts.

He’s seen Deku at his worst. Crying and crumbling, body all bloodied and torn up after giving it his all. He’s seen him angry--borderline murderous even--with rage consuming him and leaving him gasping for breath as he saddles closer and closer to the line betwean life and death. He’s seen Deku broken and hollow, unable to eat for days and smelling like a decomposing corpse because the demons in his eyes had all but haunted him from even getting up to shower.

The point being, Katsuki knows that Izuku Midoriya is flawed.

He should, at least. Having seen these cracks and imperfections over and over should’ve cemented the idea that Deku was far from perfect. He sees sides of Deku that even their best friends, let alone the public have never seen. Bakugou knows that Izuku Midoriya is not a God--and is in fact very far from one.

But fuck if he doesn’t worship him like he is.

When Izuku confessed to him in their second year, Katsuki thinks that he learned what it feels like to die.

As dramatic as it sounds, it’s true. Watching those green eyes peel away from their locked gaze on his red ones to stare nervously at the ground causes Katsuki’s heart to jump. His palms were sweaty and blood roared in his ears, deafening him from all sounds except Deku’s voice. He’d initially thought that this was it. This was Deku preparing to tell him that he couldn’t stand being his friend anymore, that no matter how much Katsuki tried to atone for himself, Deku finally realized that Katsuki would never be worthy of his love.

It built up and up until Katsuki couldn’t breathe, willpower alone keeping him from gasping for breath as he awaited Deku’s rejection. The sun set in a brilliant cast of oranges and purples, but neither boy on the rooftop could stand to appreciate it when the sights in front of them were far more important.

“Kacchan,” he blurts at last. A sliver of his pink tongue peeks out to lick at his chapped lips. Katsuki’s chest constricts with want. “I like you.”

And it’s at those three words that Katsuki truly believes in an afterlife.

His heart clenches and stops for a different reason--a different feeling entirely. The world tilts on its axis and his breaths come up short, yet Katsuki’s never been happier to have been wrong. Parts of him shrivel up. Shudder in anxiety. Embers of raw anger and determination (leftover from years of scars and charred notebooks) tell him that he’s not worthy of Deku. That Katsuki is yet to even deserve to take the hand that has been waiting for him for his whole life.

Admittedly though, Katsuki Bakugou is a selfish, selfish man.

He stares at that freckled and blushing face like it’s a reflection of the universe itself. Green eyes that mistakenly take Katsuki’s silence as rejection grow watery, and yet as Katsuki stares into the molten pool of emerald and moss, he thinks he may see his entire life in those pretty eyes.

“...Kacchan? It’s okay if you don’t, uh, like me back. I u-understand if you feel uncomfortable or no longer want me be your friend even if it kinda s--”

“W-well really, it’s more of love. I... love you. Like, a lot. Have for a while I mean and I tried really hard to hide it but I’m sure it was obvious from the beginning and well, Uraraka said I was really bad at lying so I wasn’t really sure...” he mumbles. Stutters, because he’s human and very much not a god.

Katsuki Bakugou kisses Izuku Midoriya for the first time.

He kisses Izuku Midoriya because he wants all of him. He wants the sorrow and broken bones. The awkward laughter and nervous tics. Katsuki wants those green eyes to never stop looking at him and that mouth to never stop muttering the most inane nothings. He wants the beautiful and the ugly, the victories and the losses. He wants and he wants and he wants and he wants, and now that all of it is within his reach dear god is he never letting go.

The blond pours his soul into the kiss. Mouth harsh and unyielding, ever determined to prove to anyone watching that he’d throw away his life for this boy in a heartbeat. The desperation in their kiss practically daring anyone to try and pull them apart. Katsuki wants the kiss to say everything that he, in his weak and human state, cannot even begin to phrase. That somehow a single kiss could show the other that Katsuki loves him so much it breaks him inside. It’s so good that it’s painful. It’s painful and excruciating but fucking hell if Katsuki pulls away for one moment he thinks he might actually truly die.

They’re training to be pro-heroes, so of course their pain tolerance is higher than most. They’ve been taught to fight in any environment no matter what—could probably fight five people underwater for an hour without breaking a sweat. All of those hours of training somehow still mean nothing to Katsuki in the brilliance of the storm that is Izuku Midoriya.

Because as they kiss and breathe in each other’s air, Katsuki forces himself to pull away with a gasp.

Izuku thinks he’s hurt the blond accidentally, somehow. That he’d been too rough or pushed Bakugou into it or even just took his breath away from him in the literal sense. What the green-haired hero didn’t expect was the sheer devotion in ruby eyes.

(It would’ve scared him, if it didn’t make his knees shaky and heart rate speed up in exhilaration.)

Meanwhile, Katsuki’s drowning.

He’s drowning so deep in emotions that he’d never let himself feel until now. Drowning in his insecurities and greatest desires. Drowning in emotion and vigour. Drowning in the feeling of kissing Izuku fucking Midoriya. Part of him screams in agony, protesting this weakness as it fucks with his mind and squeezes at his heart.

The rest of him lets it happen.

Bakugou pulls away, gasping for breath. It’s too much and not enough, because he loves this boy so goddamn much that it actually hurts. He’s crying, and it’s kind of pathetic, really. So undone by a single kiss that tears streak down his face while white spots appear in vision of ruby eyes. A man so weak--so overcome with emotion that he can’t help but sob at the torrent of devotion that overtakes him. His heart throbs painfully and he struggles to take gulps of air, because Katsuki doesn’t truly love many people but there’s something about Izuku Midoriya that destroys him so thoroughly.

Ever understanding, ever patient, and ever too good for his damned, hell-bound soul, Izuku holds him close. He lets Katsuki weep into his jacket and runs scarred fingers through pale blond strands as the other boy tries to stifle his sobs. He hushes him with a light kiss to his temple and listens patiently as Katsuki whimpers every variant of ‘I love you’ under the sun.

Izuku Midoriya is no such god, but Katsuki Bakugou worships him like one nonetheless.

[crystalelemental]

Now that I’ve read/watched Touhou Gouyoku Ibun, time for full thoughts on the experience.  Because oh man.  Oh man I kinda love it.

The first five routes are...okay.  Nothing too exceptional.  Don’t get me wrong, Reimu and Marisa are solid, but there’s just not much to their stories.  Kanako is great because I generally love her, and her attempt at a solution was at least in line with how she operates.  Murasa didn’t do much for me at all, though, aside from establish that Byakuren is surprisingly on top of her shit?  So that’s cool.  Really, all of this just established Toutetsu, who is a sheep lady with absorption powers that is basically unbeatable in the context of where she’s fought.  She’s down below even Former Hell, in a giant lake of oil that isn’t really oil.  It looks like oil, but ooh.  Ooh, what’s that smell?  That intoxicating aroma.  Ooh, it sings to me.

Yeah, it’s blood.  Apparently it’s like...concentrated blood from the inhabitants of former hell, brought down here and condensed into this form.  It’s pretty interesting, honestly.  Yamame has a line about how burying old sins never pays off in the end, and kinda implies that these blood oil pools were something the oni created long ago when Former Hell was just Hell in order to make massive profit, and there’s a lot of discussion around how this stuff can make you super rich but is the most cursed substance of all, and maybe it’s just because this isn’t about mythology or anything but it all felt pretty on the nose this time to me.

Anyway, Toutetsu herself is...my favorite of the three beast mob bosses.  It’s not even close.  Yachie doesn’t interest me for the same reason I could never really get into Sagume: they’re kinda just traditionally awful, and just cold and calculating.  Saki is at least a bit more interesting in that she’s brash, but that’s also pretty standard as far as your big evils go: cold and calculating, hot headed and combative.  Toutetsu feels like a nice middle ground in that she has her manners and generally personable approach to people like Kanako, but is also pretty combative about the blood oil being entirely hers.  And that on its own wouldn’t do much, but it’s mixed with her being incredibly unhinged about everything.  Like she’s running around this pool of blood oil created from condensed misery of vengeful spirits, eating it for power and shouting about how it’s all hers.  The incident kicks off with oil spills above ground, but Toutetsu says she had no idea that was occurring, and would never waste this stuff; it’s hers.  But of course no one believes that and aims to kick her ass.  But because she gains power from consuming the feelings of these spirits in the blood pool, she’s basically unstoppable while in it.  Her primary trait, greed, is at its peak; there is no ability to satiate her desires, so she’s basically got unlimited power with this supply, and that’s the big buildup.  Toutetsu cannot be beaten here.  She is untouchable, and that’s pretty cool.

The main focus of the plot kicks up in Joon and Shion’s route, which...okay look, I don’t think any of us really agree with the costuming decision for Joon, it’s a problem, and it’s been brought up by everyone else as a pretty racist portrayal that we all hope doesn’t happen again.  But even beyond that I hate their route, because I hate these two, I can’t stand them, they’re a complete pain in my ass, and not even Shion’s interactions with Tenshi alleviate how obnoxious she is.  But their route, while most being about them as awful people, has one weird chapter where they try to kick Kanako in the back, and are suddenly teleported through a door to a place they don’t know.  Flandre shows up, asks if she can beat them up too, Okina shows up and goes “Absolutely” and Flan tries to kill them.  They escape at the last second, and there is never any explanation for what the fuck just happened.  But you can probably guess exactly where this is going, and what’s going on.  I did, and oh my god was it great.

The last route is Flandre’s, and this route has three paths with different endings, but the core is the same.  Okina knows what’s up, and knew what was up before anyone else, because of course she did, she’s wonderful.  Okina also realizes Toutetsu is essentially unbeatable through traditional means; she can absorb any attack thrown at her.  But Flandre doesn’t necessarily need to attack.  She can just “destroy” as a broad, global power.  The solution isn’t to overwhelm Toutetsu, it’s to bypass her absorption and go straight for the kill.  So Okina enlisted Flandre as literally the only possible option, and her route is going through a training arc to prepare.

Quick aside: I love this.  ZUN has talked before about how he doesn’t include a character unless they’re absolutely necessary, and I think this is the ideal example of that.  Flandre’s always been stupid popular, but I believe this is her first canon appearance since EoSD.  She’s never been necessary, and doesn’t have much to do with any plotline, so until this exact moment where her powers are the solution, she’s never been used.  I think that’s a solid approach.  As much as it sidelines a lot of characters, it means that when they do show up, they’re relevant and engaging rather than just present for its own sake.  And oh man, is Flandre ever relevant and engaging.

This characterization is perfect.  Flandre is very invested in the idea of destruction, but almost in a playful sense.  Her reason for getting involved is largely “I just want to destroy what literally no one else can.”  She’s here for funsies, and to test her abilities.  That’s it.  That’s all she wants.  It’s not even secretly “I get to leave the house I’m so free” like you might expect.  Okina references Flandre may feel frustrated with her situation, but it seems the broader concern is not having anything to test her powers on, rather than specifically wanting freedom or anything.  She combative, but in the sense of wanting to beat everyone.  She’s expressive, talking about all the battle arenas and which ones she hates on principle.  There’s a great exchange with Murasa where she just starts complaining about the existence of boats.  But she’s also like...kinda harsh with others about getting serious.  When Reimu mentions she couldn’t beat Toutetsu, she thinks about just letting it go, and Flandre is outright snappy with her.  Foes are meant to be defeated.  You once came to the mansion to destroy your foes; recall that time, destroy your enemies.  Flandre has this very clear sense of fighting is a means of absolutely demolishing a foe, and expects everyone to always want to fight at full capacity and aim to completely dominate.  There is no holding back, and no backing down.  So when she encounters Toutetsu, it goes one of three ways based on your training.

A-route is you took the easy path.  Okina even remarks you probably can’t truly win, and while Flan overcomes, it’s pretty clear Toutetsu is ultimately fine.  This ending does little, but establishes Flandre’s explode kill die skill as Scarlet Nihility, which is fucking amazing.

B-route is your medium training, and this time you’re actually going at it with the ability to win.  Flandre does overcome, but ultimately it seems like the kind of thing where it’s a temporary solution.  Toutetsu is defeated, but not entirely destroyed, and so the incident has ended but not flawlessly.  Hilariously, in this scenario, it openly admits that Okina was responsible for the incident.  Don’t worry, I’ll talk a lot about her soon.

C-route is the perfect clear.  Flan completely destroys Toutetsu...who is secretly fine, but essentially evicted from the blood pool, and comes up to bargain with the surface...with Okina taking over as co-manager of the blood pools.  Toutetsu mentions she disregarded the surface, and wouldn’t have done this if she knew there were people as strong as Flandre.

Before I get to the inevitable Okina praise, another quick aside: I love that Reimu and Marisa are ultimately ineffectual.  I like them as protagonists, but it’s nice to get other characters being the central focus, like when Mamizou was the one who ultimately helped Kokoro the most in Hopeless Masquerade.  It’s just nice when others are on top of it, and picking Flandre of all people as the main incident resolver is just...aces.  It’s so good.  What a return.

So, Okina.  Okina is now my favorite, I’m sorry, she even outranks Kokoro at this point.  She’s just the most fun character in Touhou right now, and I don’t feel it’s particularly close.

The obvious big part is that she’s Neo Yukari, in a way.  She’s this background figure who watches over Gensokyo and actively solves its problems in a way that is beneficial to themselves or Gensokyo as a whole.  Ideally both.  But what I really like about Okina is how...I guess clear her objectives and plans are?  Like, Yukari’s always got this obfuscated mystery around her actions, where you’re not really supposed to know the score until she’s already won.  But Okina’s plan was something I figured out the instant she appeared.  I think this has more to do with ZUN’s writing abilities getting better than anything unique to the characters though, since Antinomy of Common Flowers was pretty solid as a presentation of Yukari’s problem solving method as well.  But it’s fun to have this character who’s so on top of things.  She was perfectly able to entice Flandre into working for her, both as a combination of getting her to go outside and as a means of testing her abilities.  She mentions what really got Flandre moving was knowing no one else could handle Toutetsu, and that she’d be the only one who could.  She knows what motivates people and knows how to spur them on, and I think a big part of Okina’s MO is getting people to where they want to go through their own efforts.  Just like with Sumireko, she supports Flandre to a point, but when it’s time to throw down she backs off.  Or in this case, powers Toutetsu up instead of Flandre.  She passes it off as “Well, her greed took in my power too,” but Okina’s been so on top of it you know that was on purpose.  And ultimately it’s to get Toutetsu to absorb the entirety of the lake’s power to destroy it all in one go.  But there were likely other means of accomplishing this; the only reason to approach it in this way was to provide Flandre with a greater challenge to overcome.

Okina just seems very drawn to people of passion and drive.  Flandre’s just another in this list.  She’s drawn to Marisa more than any other protagonist in HSiFS, because of Marisa’s general ingenuity and self-made approach to battling her again in the extra stage.  She’s drawn to Sumireko and her dream self’s conflict, backing the dream self’s desire to become real but ultimately leaving it to her own efforts to accomplish.  And now, she’s drawn to Flandre, who is now characterized by a desire to destroy things no one else can, and becomes the strongest living entity around.  Okina seems to be all about this, and I really enjoy how her approach is both solution-oriented, but also tends to involve giving the people she’s really using something out of the deal as well.

Which is the last big thing.  The C-route ending mentions that many people are satisfied with this outcome, because Toutetsu gets the blood oil pools, but Okina, as co-owner and a hidden god, has the best chance of hiding away all access to it from any other means.  This dangerous substance is effectively removed as a threat.  Toutetsu, who was a wild card and a potential danger, is mitigated and brought under some level of control.  Every possible thread is resolved by the end, and Okina had it all figured out from the word go.  She knew how Toutetsu worked.  She knew the exact person to take care of the problem, and what would motivate them.  She planned out the end result of bringing factors outside of her control directly under her control, in a way that’s beneficial for every party involved.  I just...I love it.  She’s so good.  This was so good, and I love it.  This is exactly the kind of additional Okina appearance I wanted.  I’m bummed she’s not playable, but 10/10 appearance, I loved every second.

[heyitsyn]

RANDOM SEIJOH HCs ACCORDING TO GIGI

a/n: this is a thing i cooked up between doing trig exam and ap gov review akdsjfldskfj

IM PRETTY SURE I ALREADY USED THIS GIF BUT IM WANTING TO RE-DO MY ENTIRE PAGE AND MAKING BANNERS SO THIS IS A TEMPORARY THING AJDJDJJD ALSO I DONT KNOW HOW TO DO THE KEEP READING THING ON THE APP BYE

oikawa def listens to indie music just bc he wants to feel unique and the 'iM diFfErENt fRoM oTHeR gUrLs' vibes

i FIRMLY BELIEVE IWAIZUMI HAJIME IS ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO CHOMPS ON HIS ICE CREAM BC HE LIKES TO FEEL THE COLD ON HIS TEETH AKSJSKSKSK

meanwhile kunimi eats a kitkat like its pizza just CHOMP

makki caNNOT sleep without a pillow between his thighs LIKE LISTEN he has 2 sisters and they all told him its so comfortable and at first he was like,, ??,, then he tried and now cant sleep without it

bUT MATTSUN LIKES TO SLEEP WITH PILLOWS SURROUNDING HIM bc it makes him feel safe and like there are two body pillows on either side of him and hes kinda trapped in the middle aksjskdk

when kyo was younger, he was really short and although he had other pants, he loved this one pair but they were really long on him and he wore it all the time and the part of the pants that touched the ground is torn in shreds

kindaichi steps on the sofa before sitting LIKE puts one foot on the cushion then the other until hes literally standing on the couch before folding to sit with his knees up to his chest (i do this)

watari sniffs his food before eating it no matter if its something he eats all the time or something new, he still sniffs it either way

yahaba is really particular with his feet and he likes to get a really big tupperware (duh one only meant for his feet) and fill it up with warm almost boiling water and he just soaks them

oikawa has sleep paralysis and he oftens hallucinates about aliens in the corner of his room

kunimi does this thing where he makes weird noises with his mouth like sounds of his mouth opening LIKE when youre tastinf something new and you do that sound with your tongue (I DUNNO HOW TO DESCRIBE IT AJDKSKKD)

makki bends his knees just to crack his ankles

iwa sneezes a ton but he has those sneezes where theyre quiet that you dont even notice or really loudly that it just echoes throughout the gym

kyo sleeps with one sock on bc his feet gets cold easily but both socks make him feel really hot so only one sock is perfect

for a tall and hunk of a guy, mattsun is a very light walker like his footsteps are very light and if he wants to, it can be practically silent

watari actually hates vegetables ajssksksk he particularly hates zucchini, eggplants, any vegetables that are that shape

kindaichi likes to stick or lean against walls because to him, they feel cold and can decrease his body heat

oikawa stands and places his feet at V position like \/ instead of ll because his sister did ballet and he was taught that was the right way of standing and it was considered graceful

yahaba has a fear of cactuses

mattsun does so badly in the heat because his body temp runs so high and the hot surroundings make him feel so uncomfortable and so he takes a lot of cold showers

iwa cannot swim like he freaks out immediately when his toetips can no longer feel the bottom and he panics with thoughts of drowning

watari has really small feet that he still buys big kids shoes to save money

kyotani considered playing baseball because he thought baseball bats were cool but he got angry and threw tantrum after missing his first pitch

iwa chomps on a whole raw chili while eating ramen akskksks

oikawa actually hates sweets bc when he was younger, he had cavities and iwa showed him a cartoon of cavities eating his teeth and will make him toothless

kindaichi really really likes hugs but hes too awkward to ask them even from his parents

yahaba chomps on mints so he goes through boxes of them in a week

i feel like theres a boy in the team who doesnt brush their teeth everyday and rubs a towel on their teeth to make it look clean and take mints to hide their bad breath

iwaizumi is actually iron deficient so he bruises super super fast and he even developed iron defiency anemia when he was younger bc his parents didnt catch on which caused him to be put on strong medication for months and still takes it now

WAIT,, OIKAWA IS LACTOSE INTOLERANT BUT HE LIKES MILK SO HE EATS MILK BREAD TO MAKE HIM FEEL NOT SO BAD OR GUILTY OF CONSUMING STRAIGHT DAIRY

seijoh four bonding time is watching gordom ramsey shows and yelling and screaming 'YEA! EXACTLY!' as if theyre also cooking genuises

watari used to eat grapes all the time until his mom got worried and told him if he doesnt stop, he will eventually turn into one. he only eats it every few weeks

when he was younger, kunimi cried because he had befriended a chicken on a trip to a farm and his mom took him to eat fried chicken after and he thought it was Chicky (his chicken friend :"))

kyotani used to stick out his tongue when it was raining so he could taste the raindrops. they taste better than bottled water

one time, during a seijoh sleepover, they dared oikawa to wear his sisters old uniform, skirt and all, and it backfired so everyone turned red and couldnt look at him in the face

their pregame ritual is touching each other's shoe tips

they tried doing yoga at yahaba's house before by watching yoga youtube videos but everyone ended up having to go to the chiropractor after (how did makki even turn into the human pretzel?)

the local gym gets so scared when they see the team coming through the doors bc these men are so LOUD like they HYPE EACH OTHER UP SO MUCH THEYRE SO ANNOYING AKSKSKDK

also never take them to an all you can eat sushi place. if you do, bring them earlier of the day like 30 mins after opening time so the cooks can cook enough for them without running out of ingredients (even then sometimes they still run out)

oikawa used to eat his mom's roses from her garden because he thought it would make his farts smell good like roses

takahiro is a surprisingly good artist like he draws really cool action fighting scenes in the corner of his papers and stuff

in my work: it's canon that iwa is half filo and his nanay used to dress him up in a barong all the time during halloween bc she wanted him to showcase his heritage

yahaba drinks a lot of milk because he hopes to one day grow strong and bulky like the 3rd years instead of being seen as a pretty boy

kindaichi's mom is a hairstylist and she always scolds him for using a lot of gel bc she's always the one who washes his hair

makki never learned how to do taxes and hes had the government knocking on his door a handful of times (BOKUTO AKKDJSKKS)

kyo has a dog: a chiweenie

there's someone on the team who wears those socks with individual pockets for toes

their pinterest is so different from what they look like for example, mattsun has a board of different flower decorations and arrangements

kunimi throws up during intense horror movies

watari's celeb crush is emma watson

the team alternates from different music genres like from ateez and bts to mxmtoon and beach bunny

they still dont know how to pronounce camila cabello's name

theyre all active in social media but only oikawa is on it 24/7 and in all platforms while the others have insta and snap

mattsun has twins as little siblings and he used to get them mixed up all the time that he used to draw a sharpie dot on the girl's forehead to determine she was his sister

watari hates sitting on the floor bc his butt bone hurts really easily so he can only sit on cushions for long periods of time

the team was supposed to have a party but everyone didnt know what to bring so they proved they shared the same braincell by bringing the same thing: a box of pizza

makki's an old soul and prefers to play records on a record player or watch old movies

kyo is surprisingly good at giving massages because he really pushed hard on those tense muscles

kindaichi knows how to crack necks so everyone goes to him a lot to do it (a friend of mine does this and can i say its terrifying yet so good?)

the only one who has a license is matsukawa and thats because granny needs to go to the doctor a lot and he hates her walking by herself and cabs are expensive

kyotani and yahaba are actually,,, lowkey close,,, not like best friends but theyre nice to each other and they got a stick and poke together (yahaba's was: :) while kyo's was: >:))

watari has a collection of mangas (some bl maybe 👀)

WARNING SAD: mattsun’s future job is a funeral person right? he ends up taking care of granny’s funeral free of charge and he had to take a week off because it was really painful for him

oikawa learned spanish SUPER fast to the point he forgets japanese sometimes but there are moments where he forgets both languages and hes just,,,, ???

makki’s unemployed yea but he rooms with mattsun in exchange of cooking because makki’s surprisingly good at cooking

iwa is practically the nutritionist of the team because he knows everything about proteins, carbs, iron, and needed vitamins so they all go to him to know what to eat and what they need

kunimi has lots and lots of shoes but usually only wears 2

kindaichi has a habit of pretending hes chewing gum even though he doesnt have gum, his mouth just chomps and moves with air akasldfjkf

there was a clown phenomenon in america but in their city, they had a mascots and seijoh 4 went around scaring kids :”(

oikawa never manspreads he gets too insecure to spread out like that akdjfkd

kyotani can easily sleep anywhere like he would be standing and just fall asleep or he sleeps with his eyes open

yahaba’s parents own a restaurant somewhere in the city and he works there sometimes

IM REALLY GOING TOO MUCH ABOUT THIS YALL AKSDJFKL

SORRY IM WRITING TOO MUCH I FEEL BAD THAT I HAVENT UPDATED BUT IM IN A CAR RIDE RN AND I WAS ABLE TO WRITE AGAIN AND MY EXAMS HAVE FINISHED THIS WEEK IMMA CRY

PLEASE, FEEL FREE TO REPLY WITH ANY OTHER HCS YOU GUYS KNOW OF SO I CAN PUT IT IN HERE AND CREDIT YOU WITH IT SO WE CAN HAVE LIKE A HCS BOOK FROM EVERYONE BUT THIS IS WHAT I STARTED WITH

oikawa screams a lot according to gigi but he’s actually a really quiet guy and not easy to scare

OKAY YOU GUYS DONT KILL ME I SWEAR IVE BEEN SO TERRIBLE AT WRITING BUT YOU KNOW WHO TURNED ONE TODAY? THIS PAGE!!! MY BABY IS ONE ALREADY 😭😭😭 ANYWAYS, HOPE THIS CAN MAKE YOU GUYS SMILE TODAY AND SCHOOL ENDS NEXT WEEK AND IM ALREADY AT 132 DRAFTS AMSJKSDKSK SO OH MY GOD THERES GOING TO BE SO MUCH COMING AND IM SO EXCITED TO GET THEM OUT 😩😩

[pianorexic000]

Sweetspo Saturday

Hi y’all, so today is sweetspo Saturday.......

it speaks for itself. By the way, none of these are mine. I take no credit I have 0 creativity.

I dream of collarbones and thigh gaps, of hips jutting out and ribs just visible, casting shadows on porcelain flesh. I dream of crop tops and denim shorts, of thigh highs and sugar highs. And when I lay in bed at night, counting the calories of the day before my mind can’t help but wander, and I press into my doughy stomach, feel the hips hiding underneath, and remind myself how far I’ve come, and how far I still have to go.

Please listen, I know, I know it’s hard but listen, focus, you, you the most beautiful person on this whole entire planet you are going to make it, I promise you sweetheart, you’re going to make it. Think about it, think about how skinny you’ll be, how happy you will be, how you are going to be able to wear what you want, how you are going to be able to eat what you want and no one is going to make you feel bad for eating, no one. They’re going to be jealous, so fucking jealous, jealous of how you look and how you feel. They’re going to envy you. So stand up, keep your pretty head up and go. Exercise, drink water, eat less, eat healthy, sleep, do yoga, dance around. Get skinny and be finally happy. Please be finally happy.

You’ve been so disappointed in yourself lately. You’ve cursed those girls with a fast metabolism and regretted so much, sweetie. Countless of times you’ve thought, planned and wished to be skinny. I know you want this so badly, honey. But it’s never going to be given to you, sugar. You have to work for it and make yourself proud! ٩(ˊᗜˋ*)و

I know you’re very impatient with your weight-loss. You want to lose it NOW and would do anything to wake up tomorrow at you ugw. But that’s never going to happen, doll. It’ll take time, but you will get there, sweetie. You just have to be persistent and never give up. The road is very long, and there will be days where it’ll feel hopeless, angel. But i promise you that those days where you feel incredibly sexy and comfortable in your own skin are just around the corner. You’ll get there baby, but it’ll take time. So don’t beat yourself up.

You’ll look good in everything; you remember that bikini with the cute print? yes, you’ll look beautiful in it. you won’t look like a fat pig.

people will be jealous; they’ll envy you. you’ll become thinner while others are getting fatter.

you’ll be dainty; you’ll be the lightest in the room. everyone will be able to pick you up effortlessly.

others will compliment you; people will look at you and say “wow, have you lost weight?” “you look great!” “i wish i looked like you.”

you won’t be able to keep more than a cup of food down; you’ve trained your body, you and your body both know its limits.

you’ll have power; you can can control how you look, you’ll have control. self control instead of eating everything in sight. you’ll be proud when you refuse a chocolate bar someone is offering.

are you going to keep saying “i’ll do it tomorrow”

or are you going to start today?

you’ll get there sweetie, make them regret the day they dare call you fat; they’ll start talking GOOD behind your back; “she is losing so much weight omg” “ i wanna look like her.” “im so jealous of her tiny waist.”

make it happen, you cause the gain of weight

and the loss of weight.

It's Okay!

You were really bad this weekend weren’t you? You ate fatty food and cheated on your diet? I know you bash yourself for pushing yourself further from your goal, but it was just Easter and you were enjoying spending time with your family. Unfortunately that included eating. Thin is all you think about cutie, why would you stuff your face uncontrollably like that, sugar? You can’t stop now, i know it’s hard but it’ll be worth it in the end.

Meanspo

Dear You,

You’ve grown up being the “big” girl. You’ve grown up being the “I want seconds” girl. You entered college being the “let’s eat out because it’s easier” girl.

When will you be the “I eat healthy” girl? The “people can pick me up” girl? The “I love my body” girl?

Today? Oh, right, you say tomorrow. Funny, that’s what you said yesterday.

It’s YOUR fault you’re fat. You don’t control your fatty urges to binge and stuff your face. One day, you’ll regret that. And that day is TODAY. If you regret it, then make a change. Skip that meal. Eat less calories. Exercise and burn what you have consumed and stored from your past pathetic eating habits. Get rid of your fatty urges. BECOME SKINNY…Become beautiful. Because if you don’t start today, you’ll only hate yourself tomorrow… again.

Do it. Do it so you can wear cute short shorts without everyone looking at your thighs and being disgusted.

Do it for that bitch who always called you fat at middle school.

Do it for that fuckboy who never looked at you as girlfriend potencial.

Do it so you can be confident.No seriously you’ll never be confident with that big tummy dude.

Do it so you don't ALMOST DIE in fitting rooms.

Do it for the cute clothes.

Do it for the summer.

Do it for the pool parties and how all of your friends will be SHOOK at your perfect body.

Do it for that life little baby. You deserve it. You deserve so much happiness.

Imagine you’re sitting at your desk in your perfectly decorated bedroom. You’re doing school work (all A’s of course), and since the lighting is good, you stop studying for a second and take a selfie.

You notice your collarbones are perfectly peaking out, and your chest bones are slightly visible. You have no makeup on but you still look absolutely gorgeous. Your flawless skin (that you got from not eating junk food all the time) looks great on your camera. Your thin arms look especially toned in this picture, and your smile is unforgettable.

You decide to post it to Instagram, and it instantly gets likes and comments saying how gorgeous you look. You want to keep studying…but the amount of likes and attention is distracting!

You think to yourself “Amazing how my life has changed. 30lbs ago I barely got 30 likes. My grades were bad and I had horrible acne…it’s so great what being thin can do to a person”

One day I won’t have to suck in

One day I’ll sit down and not have belly rolls

One day my thighs won’t touch

One day I’ll be able to see my ribs

One day I’ll step on the scale and smile

One day I’ll be able to smile at my protruding collar bones

One day I’ll wear the clothes I want

One day I’ll be confident

One day I’ll be skinny

do it for the boy who leaves your snapchats at read. imagine how quickly he’ll reply when he sees how good you look in your new body. do it for the girls you envy, the girls who show up in crop tops and short shorts whilst you hide behind a baggy sweater. imagine how proud you’ll feel when you can finally wear what you want and look just as good, if not better than them. do it for the people who bullied you about your weight and the boys who turned you down because of it. watch them gawk and whisper among themselves at how much weight you’ve lost. do it for the mean girls, the ones that walk around school like they own the place, the ones who’s parties you never get invited to, the ones that all the boys want. prove yourself to them. soon they’ll notice you and you’ll be too proud to care. own your new found confidence, throw your own parties, feel wanted. do it for the boy you’ve been crushing on since the first time you met. make him want you just as you wanted him. laugh at yourself as he chases after you. watch him suffer just as you did. do it for the bikini you’ve never had the body to wear. make your old self proud. wear that bikini. finally feel good in it. go to the beach and the pool and show it off. it belongs on you. do it for yourself. do it for your own happiness and do it right now. you deserve this. it might take some time and maybe you’re growing impatient. but it’s okay, everything good takes time. so be safe, stay strong, and don’t give up. this will be worth the wait. trust me.

I literally cannot fucking wait until I’m thin. I can’t wait to not feel like the outsider in my friend group. I can’t wait to not feel like the ugly friend. I can’t wait to be as thin as my best friend and for people to not see me as a charity case. I can’t wait to be able to go shopping and not worry about what will hide my fat. I can’t wait to see my collarbones and feel great in shorts. I can’t wait to be able to post selfies confidently from any angle and get as many likes as all the thin girls from school. I can’t wait to be someone else’s thinspo. I can’t wait to be happy with myself. I can’t wait to be thin.

Okie lovey, I know you might have had a rough couple of days or maybe you’ve been doing everything right and you just need a little pick me up. That’s okay too. I’m here for you, maybe not there physically but I’m still here. Make some tea, and take a bath; while you’re in there light a few candles and take time for yourself. Paint your nails read a book or simply think about bettering yourself. You’re almost there, I’m so excited for you! I’m going to be there when you cross that finish line (UGW). Finished with tea? Are you hungry? No. Exactly, chin up sweetheart, you got this. I love you

10 Reasons I want to be Thin

1. A flat stomach looks so good in anything. 2. No more armpit fat. 3. Finally have a thigh gap (again). 4. Feel beautiful and in control 5. people you already know will ask you how you did it, new people you meet will fall in love with you. 6. Go on adventures and have fun without worrying about your fat jiggling around. 7. Tan outside or at the lake without wanting to die because you’re too fat for a bikini. 8. Going out to parties and making friends because you’re confident and beautiful. 9. Not wanting to cry every time you see your full body in a mirror/ reflection. 10. Not crying in general anymore. Finally being happy.

11 Reasons Why I'm Doing This

1. To be the skinny friend

2. So I can be lifted up and be called light

3. To wear anything and still look cute

4. To have pretty bones to show off

5. To hear those words; ‘Have you lost weight?’

6. To not feel guilty when having a sweet treat (occasionally!)

7. To wear tight jeans and not have a muffin top

8. To not want to cry every time I look in the mirror

9. To not feel embarrassed in a bikini or swimsuit

10. To sit on someone’s lap without fear of crushing them

11. To finally feel happy with myself

They are in the kitchen making dinner. It smells so good, and all you want to do is have some. But would that make you happy? Would that food actually do anything for you? Sure, it would taste good. But as soon as you swallow, it would be gone. You’d take a drink of water, and the taste would wash away. Five minutes of fun, and then you’d be full. Full of food, regret, hate, shame, and disgust. Today would be yet another day wasted. So go ahead, eat the food. Be the fat tub of lard you always have been. Or don’t. Don’t eat the food. Be a day closer to your goal.

The choice is yours.

[edwardelricsrightarm]

"A lesson without pain is meaningless. For you cannot gain anything without sacrificing something else in return, but once you have overcome it and made it your own...you will gain an irreplaceable fullmetal heart." - Edward Elric

In honor of disability month and the FMA 20 year anniversary I wanted to address some Thoughts™️ about the series.

It's not often you see a disabled protagonist in media where their disability is integral to the story without taking up their entire character, even more so with anime. Yet, Fullmetal Alchemist has not just one disabled Protagonist, but two. The Elric Brothers are an exemplary representation of disability in media that I find myself reflecting on often as a disabled person myself. If you haven't completed the manga or Brotherhood, skip this as it will be brimming with spoilers.

(Mangahood will be my point of reference because while 03 is good on its own merits it's not as fresh within my immediate memory, and I am far less familiar with it. Keep this in mind, I've watched FMAB 10 and a half times whereas I've finished 03 only once years ago.)

The story highlights their disabilities immediately, Edward being a double amputee and Alphonse being without his ENTIRE body, only having the senses of proprioception, sight, and hearing left. Yet, despite this being key to the story and an integral part of their characterization, it is only one facet of their motivations and doesn't take center in the narrative, which is refreshing. It's not inherently negative to make a narrative centered on the characters' disabilities, but often this model of a story goes very wrong very fast and starts to feel hollow (no pun intended). FMA avoids this by making their disabilities a clear part of the plot and their motivations without allowing it to consume the entire story, so the Elric Brothers don't suffer the "my disability is all of my character" problem that many disabled characters are relegated to in a vast portion of media, all while being strong and competent.

Recap:

The brothers wished to revive their mother, but their good intentions cannot change the atrocity of their mistake, Truth makes this abundantly clear from the start. Edward loses his leg first, a punishment for "stepping" into God's shoes and transgressing the place of humans in their world. Alphonse loses his entire body, unable to feel any warmth or simple comforts like food and rest, when all he wanted was to feel the warmth and comfort of his mother's embrace again. At first, Alphonse's entire being is consumed by the gate, but Edward acts immediately, refusing to lose his little brother and refusing to allow his arrogance in this plan to cause his brother's death for only following his lead. Edward gives his right arm to have the gate give back Alphonse's soul, and stated clearly in his panic that he'd give his entire self to save Alphonse if that's what it would take, but Truth took his dominant arm only, showing something akin to mercy, although the character of Truth is capriciously strict and hard to describe as "merciful".

Through giving up his right arm, Edward regains his Right Hand Man, his little brother and best friend. His only remaining family, who he feels responsible for protecting in the absence of their parents. He felt immediately that he'd made a grave mistake, instantly full of regret as he realized the gate had taken his brother. In that moment he was willing to give anything to take it back and undo the suffering his arrogance caused his brother, yet Alphonse was still to suffer more to come. Ed tied Alphonse's disembodied soul to one of Hohenheim's collected suits of armor, managing to at least keep his brother alive in some way. One could say that Alphonse's punishment functioned as a secondary punishment for Edward, showing him how easily his hubris could have cost him what he has left in his obsession with regaining what they'd lost, their mother. A very clear symbolic reminder of the weight of his actions and how he'd misled his brother in his own naive ignorance. Even in giving another limb away to drag his brother's soul back out of the gate, he couldn't offer enough to bring him back intact. Thus is the law of equivalent exchange.

Now that we've reviewed some of that basic symbolism and the motifs the story draws upon with limbs and body parts in relation to characters, let's move on to each individual brother and break it down, shall we?

Edward Elric is a very realistic protagonist, this is one thing a majority of us familiar with this series can agree upon. He feels like a believable teen boy, with layers of complexity to his character while also showing arrogance and immaturity that is unsurprising at his age. He expresses unwillingness to kill and avoidance of unjust violence from the beginning, and has a strong moral code after the ordeal of committing the taboo.

In some characters his cocky personality would typically become grating, yet the story explains in itself why he is this way, then builds upon this to develop him into an incredibly mature character who is willing to admit when he's absolutely wrong and adapts to new information and context for the crisis unfolding around him as it comes, even if he remains crass. This arrogance is shown from the start to be a manifestation of insecurity, self loathing, and repressed guilt. Edward is a logic driven person, he has a very unique thought process, which is where my interpretation of him as autistic comes in. Edward's awkward social demeanor, somewhat abrasive and cold approach to some, and his trouble coping with nonsensical societal structures all stand out in this way. Furthermore he clearly shows hyperfixation, hyperactivity, special interest, and infodumping behaviors that are all too familiar. He's picky with food (*cough* the milk thing), has very little filter and speaks his mind bluntly even if this can warrant conflicting responses, yet at the same time struggles with vulnerable emotions, and he is frustrated when his own routine or itinerary are interrupted by forces beyond his control. All of these things Scream autism with comorbid ADHD. Many traits are shared between the brothers, and I'm quite certain they're both on the autism spectrum based on behavioral patterns. Neurodivergence aside, Edward's physical disabilities are undeniable.

Despite his bratty persona, Edward is fundamentally kind and uncharacteristically gentle and soft around the edges for a shonen protagonist in many ways. He cries openly on many occasions even if he struggles talking about his trauma and burdens in words at times, he feels pain, grief, and compassion so intensely it throws him into action on a regular basis in the narrative. In this way he's also a fantastic example of non-toxic masculinity (though in other ways he has displayed more toxic traits, he's just a kid). He acts on his heart, even if he's led by his mind and logic in most things. His humanity, value for life, and care for others will always win over his logic, and he shows a sense of personal responsibility for doing the right thing even if it harms him in the process. Ed is clearly shown having ghost pains in his lost limbs which is honestly an interesting detail to include, I don't think I've ever seen that aspect of amputation shown in media aside from FMA. It's also shown that when Ed's automail arm breaks this is a HUGE problem for him, but he's also shown to be very good at working around this in difficult circumstances. He doesn't become completely helpless, even if majorly weakened.

Alphonse is an extremely lovable and compassionate boy, brimming with altruism and care for others. Even in his noncorporeal state he pursues a better future and he's not helpless by any stretch. Edward clearly states Alphonse is the superior fighter for example, and it's not just because of his armor body being so large. He's *talented*, that's a fact. Al is every bit as clever and capable as Ed, moreso in some ways, and I love that about his character *because* he's so clearly disabled. He has no sense of pain, he is completely incapable of sleeping, he can't eat, can't relax or find comfort, he can only exist and think. This causes him to overthink in all his time alone, this is debilitating. He clearly is absolutely sick of the loneliness this causes, and he often feels helpless though he's not. He has doubts and fears that consume him in relation to his armor body, he questions his own personhood, even. Yet, Edward is stubborn and staunch in affirming that no matter what he's dealing with, he is fundamentally still a human being that is loved and irreplaceable. Alphonse is powerful and his body gives him some advantages, but it also sets him back, and the brothers know this even when others claim Alphonse's state is somehow a good thing. I have hEDS, a disability that comes with advantages as well as the major downsides, so I can understand and relate to Alphonse here. I too am told my disability is a boon because of flexibility and because I'm less likely to fracture bones, but I'm twice as likely to injure my ligaments and joints, which people ignore.

The brothers are both disabled, both flawed, both show weaknesses, but they are competent, determined, and strong in their own right. They are rounded characters that exist for more than to be pitied or condescended to by able bodied characters around them. They put their entire being in everything that they do no matter what that is, and they don't know the meaning of giving up. These traits that they're made of truly make them a shining example of disability in protagonists for others to look to for reference when writing their own disabled characters.

Even though by the end Edward has regained one limb and Al has regained his body, this also doesn't just deus ex machina reverse their disability or make it go away. It's clear that Alphonse's body is weak and has to be rehabilitated upon recovery, and Edward is still missing his leg and bears the scars and pieces of the port from his automail arm. They weren't suddenly made able bodied upon recovering these things, they reclaimed what was lost through struggle and grit, but the narrative didn't give the impression that their disability in itself was something to be fixed, which is important. They wanted to recover their bodies, but this doesn't erase the effects of their disability.

It was about Edward atoning for leading Alphonse into their mistake and saving his brother from suffering further, it was about them proving they can keep moving forward no matter what, not about getting rid of their disability in itself or putting themselves down because of the disabilities. This, to me, as a mentally and physically disabled viewer, is so important. They achieve their goal, but this doesn't in any way erase or undo the effects of their initial losses, they find ways to adapt and move on but they're still affected and still disabled. They always will be. That can be so important to see in comfort characters, and as a disabled individual who's had both brothers as comfort characters since I was a child, their impact on my own journey is surprisingly tangible for fiction.

[wesimpforxiao]

Say My Name and I’ll Be There: 8.3; Lantern Rite Part 2

Author’s Note:  Happy Valentine’s Day ;)

........

--Can feel your emotions...emotions cannot be permanently ignored...fall on deaf ears...early grave... Xiao scoffed and downed the rest of his tea before forcefully setting the cup back down onto the table. "You think admitting my alleged feelings for a mortal human would solve the problem?"

"She's done her part, now it is your turn," Zhongli straightened. "If you fail to do so, I fear she will perish from your karmic debt in no time at all. If what you say is true, it's a miracle she's still alive. Your admittance would seal the bond, as it would eliminate the side effects altogether."

Xiao's head whipped in the direction of the playing of an instrument note, but was only greeted with the joyful screams of children running around nearby. "Tch. How annoying," he played his mishearing off and returned to his normal sitting position.  A few beats of silence passed before he spoke again.  "I would only be prolonging her untimely demise.  If we stay together, if she stays by my side, my sins will affect her with or without the bond."

"That is correct."

The archon was never one to sugarcoat things.  "It would be selfish of me to admit to those emotions, selfish to indulge in them--she would die at my hand."

"Yes."

"Then why should I seal the bond, if us getting closer seals her fate?"  The yaksha's voice nearly cracked, but he hid it well with his piercing gaze as he questioned his master.  "Why?"

"How long do you plan on protecting Liyue?"

The random question made the yaksha falter.  "For as long as our contract endures."  What a silly question--it wasn't even for debate.  It was his duty to protect Liyue, to absolve his sins and pay thanks to the archon that redeemed him.  Why would Zhongli bring it up now?

"How much longer can you protect those who reside in Liyue?  How long until the cracks begin to form within you, too?"

'Just as my fallen friends...' Xiao searched his master's eyes for a moment before parting his lips.  "I--"

"I do not know the end of your story, Xiao, but I brought your unruly fate upon you.  When the time comes for you to face the same darkness that's consumed you, you cannot face it alone."

.........................

Zhongli watched the three of you push your way through the crowd to greet him, his eyes narrowing at you in particular.  "I see you have found your other teammates," he nodded approvingly.

"Yeah."  You hadn't stopped scanning the crowd, and didn't so much as look his way despite being prodded by Aether.

"Something's wrong with her," the boy warned Zhongli.  "She's not--"

"Do not concern yourself, traveler.  She will be just fine."

"Huh?"  Paimon grumbled.  "What do you mean by that?  Have you no concern for her?"

"We've convened earlier today.  I will inform you, but first..." His eyes slid back to you, and he raised his voice to catch your attention.  "You wish to see him?"

"Hm?  U-um, yes..."  His piercing gaze saw right through you, and it was an uncomfortable feeling.  "What?"

"I'd advise you to leave the harbor," he nodded to the mountainside that was on the other side of the city gates.  You nodded a quick thanks before running away at full speed.

I'm here, Xiao.  But the yaksha didn't need to hear your impolite prayers to know that you were, when he could hear the distinct conversations of the people you ran past even though he was literal miles away from the harbor.

..............

You felt him before you saw him.  Sitting on the rocky hill that overlooked the guarded entrance of Liyue Harbor, you peered over your shoulder to find the one person you had longed to see all day.  The yaksha stopped in his tracks when you met his eyes.  

"What...are you doing here?"  It was like he was uncertain if he was hallucinating, eyes narrowing cynically as you stood to greet him.  It was clear that he was weary from his day-long battle, but any pure exhaustion was hidden behind his tough façade.  

"Childe brought me back for the Lantern Rite," you caught him snarling when you said the harbinger's name.  "I--"

Your vision was suddenly obscured by his face once he appeared before you at the speed of light.  His hand gingerly traced your cheek, a rare gentleness, a fondness seeping through his cynical eyes.  You hadn't realized how much you had been craving his touch;  your hand kept him from removing his from your cheek.  How long had it been?  Two weeks? It had to have been three by now, but it felt like an eternity from how much you had to deal with Childe or watch people die.

Real, Xiao's lips twitched into an unnoticeable smile, but the light in his eyes was bright as day.  The two of you stood with foreheads pressed together for who knows how long until the yaksha was the one to pull away and regain his neutral composure.  His eyes floated to that of the dark ocean before landing on the small lantern that sat next to your viewing rock.

"They'll be releasing them soon," you say, noticing his gaze.  "I meant to make two, but it turns out its REALLY hard to make them..."

"Mm."  He acknowledged you before sitting on the left side of the rock, silently prompting you to join him.

You did.  "H-hey, is that blood?"  You finally noticed the smear on his right cheek, worry entering your voice.  "Are you okay? Here, let me see--"

"It's not mine."  Xiao leaned away from your hand and wiped the smudge away himself.

Back to pushing me away, you faltered back, wavering eyes refocusing their attention on the black horizon to distract yourself from the hurt that panged in your chest.  You sat on your hands as if to close yourself off from him--to restrain yourself from invading his personal space.

I did it again.  Xiao inwardly cursed himself out for causing the sad look in your eyes.  It's not like he meant to.  He's too used to shutting people out for their safety; he's too accustomed to being alone.  Xiao watched you out of the corner of his eye before finally gathering the courage to speak.  She needs to know.

"I need you to understand," he started, sending you a brief glance before facing the ocean again.  "Yakshas accumulate karma from the eons of slaughter we're tasked with.  It eats away at our souls, corrupts us, or drives us mad.  We become the monsters we're meant to destroy.  Outsiders, companions, anyone who gets too close, will share and suffer that karma.  It is why I order you and Aether to leave, and it is why I keep everyone at a distance."

You watched him continue to carefully sort his thoughts out.  He's never talked so much without your prompting.  

"None of us have had, nor will have, a happy ending.  This is our fate.  And it will be your fate too, if you continue to stay at my side.  The karma I've accumulated will only grow in future years, and you won't be a stranger to it."

Your shoulders dropped.  Is he...Is he going to leave me completely? Is he going to push me away for good?

Xiao heard your worries, and he briefly met your eyes again.  "Could you still love a yaksha, while knowing this information?  While knowing your fate will be sealed, and you won't find peace?"

"Of course."

"This isn't a light decision," Xiao admonished and rotated his body slightly to face you.  "You cannot--"  Do humans not understand danger?

"Xiao."  The determination in your eyes made his next words stick to his throat.  "I've already thought about it long and hard.  I've seen your past.  I've felt some of your pain.  Even if this bond thing doesn't 'seal'--whatever that means--even if I am stuck with hearing those awful voices for the rest of my life, I will never be able to stop my feelings for you.  Even if you don't return my feelings.  I've come to accept all of it."

Could Xiao bring himself to admit his feelings if there was a high chance that fate would set its cruel sights on you?  You could say all this now, but you've only felt the karma for a month.  What happens in a year from now? A decade? A century?  Your life wouldn't be as short as a humans because of his blood...Could he find it in him to confess if you were driven mad and he, ridden with guilt from causing your downfall?  Sealing the bond wouldn't guarantee that the voices would leave you, and it definitely wouldn't make you immune to his karma.  Xiao had thought he had decided on confessing, but now that he saw that raw, naïve determination in your gaze, maybe it was better that he kept it to himself for your safety--

"Do you trust me, Xiao?"  His attention snapped back to you.  "You felt my love for you in Zapolyarny Palace, didn't you?  If you did, then you know my feelings are genuine..."

That's right...your feelings were so warm back then, and the way you had hugged him close...He felt his own version when he had heard your moonsong.  'How long can you continue protecting Liyue? When the time comes for you to face the same darkness that's consumed you, you cannot face it alone.  Zhongli was righ--Archons, forget it.  You had never lied to him, and he doubted you'd ever plan on doing so in the future.  You were still just as stubborn as all those years ago on your deathbed of bloody soil; that aspect of you never changed.  And if you were this stubborn, it wouldn't make sense for him to label your decision as a half-hearted, half-thought out answer.

Xiao examined you carefully for a silent minute, not quite listening to the words that flew out of your mouth.  He didn't know how much longer he could stand tall against the swarms of darkness that swirled in his heart; he liked to think he could do so for another millennia, but that could change with one wrong move, one wrong thought, or one misplacement in willpower.  But maybe as Zhongli said, he could find a new purpose, a new ray of light that could help him continue his duty if the day for evil to overwhelm him ever comes.

The yaksha couldn't quite find a place in the mortal realm, but he was curious on how it worked, how the humans were, what kind of customs they created.  His karma made it impossible to quell that curiosity, and equally as dangerous for mortals.  But he met you, that four year old girl that didn't do anything but provoke his curiosity and longing for kinship further.  And then he really got to know you, all those months ago--what made you tick much like the other humans, the way you smiled, how you had the same sense of humor as him, the aggressive and the kind sides of your personality that clashed together to form this perfect, messy example of how humans worked.

Maybe he found out where to start when it came to you mortals, and that starting line was with you.  You shone at the end of the tunnel, a beacon for safety and dare he call a symbol of peace that he could come home to.  Xiao's eyes never left you as you continued to ramble on.

"--Then, I suppose, I could love you."  The yaksha muttered the words like they tasted sour, but his eyes were soft when they landed on you.

"I--You--Huh?"  You had thought he was trying to pull away from you for good, but this? He was confessing?  Your oblivious mind wouldn't have guessed this would happen...So this is what Zhongli was inferring earlier!

"What?"  Xiao narrowed his eyes and looked away as if he were embarrassed.  "It's not that significant," he pouted.  "Humans are flustered too easily by the smallest matters."  Despite his crimson cheeks and beet-red ears, he found it difficult to fight back a smile when he saw the ridiculous look on your face.

"You..."  Faint lights shone down on your little moment, and you glanced up to find that the lanterns were being released.  "Wow, look!"  You rose to your feet and stared at the distant lanterns before remembering that you had one of your own.  Your gaze dropped to it, and an idea struck you.  "Xiao...would you like to do this one together?"  You picked it up and lit it with the match you had in your pocket.

"I still don't understand why humans discard their trash into the ocean," he muttered before standing as well.  He watched the small flame burn brighter as it sat in your hands.  "What's the point?"

"The lanterns represent our wishes and thanks to the adepti," you explained and gestured for him to take hold of the other side of the lantern.  He reluctantly did so, but curiosity overcame him and he patiently listened to you with a slight childlike wonder in his eyes.  "As for why we chose lanterns, I think it's just because they're pretty."

"Hmph."

"Do you have any wishes for the archons?  We're supposed to write them on the lantern," you pulled a small pen out from your back pocket and uncapped it, offering the other end to him.

"Adepti don't go by your mortal ideals," he scoffed.  

His clear distaste for your question drew a laugh from your lips.  "I figured there was no harm in asking again! Okay.  Even if you don't have a wish, let's release it, yeah? One, two, three..."  The two of you gently pushed the lantern into the air, where it slowly made its journey to join the rest of its companions that now floated all around you.  

"You didn't write your wish," he commented, his brows furrowing in confusion.  How dare you ask him to write a wish, yet you did no such thing.  The hypocrisy of humans!

"Why would I need to if it already came true?"  You gave him a smirk before facing the sky.  "They're so pretty," you marveled, nearly making yourself dizzy from staring straight up.  "Don't you think so?"

"Mm."  He agreed, but he was only looking at you.  It took you a few minutes before you could gather the courage to return his gaze, feeling his stare while you watched the lanterns sparkle like the stars.  Well, it was also when your neck got tired.

You returned your eyes to the yaksha only to find him staring hard at you with an unreadable expression.  "W-what?"

"You're serious about me, even if it ends up killing you?"  He still couldn't understand why...Wouldn't self-preservation be what everyone chooses when put in a perilous situation?  Is this human stupidity, or is there some type of logic behind your trust that he failed to grasp?

You blinked, facing him fully.  "One hundred percent."  I don't need to think twice about my answer, but he's still concerned about me?  "Xiao, do you trust me?"

He didn't answer and instead approached you after a few beats of silence until you almost breathed the same air.  He was visibly struggling with something, but as for what, you had no idea.  He allowed himself to slide a hand through your hair and play with the strands before it settled against the nape of your neck.  He pulled you closer until his lips grazed across your eyelids.  He ignored the shocked gasp that left your parted lips and let his brush across your other eyelid before they settled against the spot between your brows.

He then pulled away, his head resting against your forehead, and for a second you wondered if any of that was real until you managed to snap out of your daze.  "D-did you just...?  Xiao...?"

[7wanderingpaws]

Mess We Made - first (m)

Pairing: Baekhyun x reader

Genre: arranged marriage au (not bbh), doctor AU, highschool AU (first chapter only), university AU, fluff, ANGST

Words: 9.4K

WARNINGS: mature content, unprotected sex, cheating (not bbh), terrible family relations

Quick A/N: Finally, the anticipated full story for this drabble is coming! This will have more chapters! I am a bit self-conscious about this one. But I think it is a good challenge to grow as a writer. Hopefully it worked. Please let me know what you thought? ^^

Plot: You were willing to put the both of you through suffering without realizing you might hurt Baekhyun's feelings in the process. Even though he was yours, you were never his. And he would not stand in the way anymore.

tags: @byunfirstlady​ (hope you dont mind the tag; you were interest and since its been ages I tagged you to let you know 🥺 if you want to be tagged/untagged please reply to this post)

parts: first -- second -- third -- fourth (final)

-

Mess We Made, part 1

“Psst,” you heard from your right side as you walked through the corridors of your high school. Before you even managed to look in the direction of where the sound came from, a hand grabbed you, swiftly bringing you into the darkness of the corner, the cold wall pressing into your back. Baekhyun came into view with his breath-taking smile as his lips hovered over yours, stretched out in a mischievous smile. “It's me.”

Instantly, you grinned, mimicking his wide smile. “I was looking for you.”

“Well, I found you first,” he whispered, and leaned in, pressing his lips to yours in a gentle manner.

He had been your boyfriend since the second half of the first year in high school. You were now both seniors, ready to graduate and enter your chosen universities. You both chose the same one, the idea of not being able to see each other too ugly to risk going to different schools.

You felt Baekhyun's hands slide down your sides, reaching the hem of your short uniform skirt and his feather-like touch made you squirm and laugh right into his mouth. He followed suit with giggles. “It tickles,” you said, and looked into his smiley eyes.

He hummed, though didn't stop his wandering hand as he massaged the upper part of your thigh, the touch sending trembles down your legs, your heartbeat growing frantic. “But you like it. When I touch you there.”

Your breath hitched in your throat, growing red. “Yeah. But only when it's you.”

These final months in high school were those moments when boys were becoming very horny, the skirts of the uniforms girls had to wear driving some of them crazy. Baekhyun, thankfully, wasn't as affected, though you were thinking if it was because he already had access to you. You would tear his head off if he tried to touch another girl, but he just wasn't that type of a guy.

Same went for you, too. Baekhyun had a sharp gaze and if he saw a guy trying to lift your skirt up, he would just deal with them in his hapkido language, and nobody wanted that. Baekhyun was a literal martial arts superstar of the school. And also a terrible nerd. He was cool and nerdy. What a combo.

While that was him, the smiling, mischievous boy many girls grew a humongous crush on, you were the more unfortunate one, though many would immediately disagree. A daughter to a huge business company, money was something that was never an issue, to put it lightly. Having your own personal driver, needing to attend pilates classes to keep your form, visiting a dermatologist at least twice per month, eating small portions… everything that would scream rich, was basically you, as much as you hated it.

The reason for your hatred was simple: you didn't belong to Baekhyun's world. Likewise, he didn't belong to yours. But how would that define anything, when both of you were literally all over each other at any given opportunity, feelings too strong to fight them? Did social status really mean something? Baekhyun was studying hard to become a doctor, wanting to bring children to this world, and he had one of the best grade averages in the entire institution. Meanwhile, you, of whom it was highly expected of, didn't have it like him. Studying was not exactly your forte, and you ended up following your parents requirements of applying for business school, so that you would study something that was running in the family. As long as they did not intervene in your relationship with Baekhyun, you would accept and agree to anything. But Baekhyun was untouchable. No matter what would happen, it couldn't, by any means, include him and you always made sure about it.

“'Cause you are mine,” he murmured in your ear seductively, and you melted in his arms.

“That, I am. Always,” you replied breathily, standing on your tiptoes to crash your lips on his before anyone could catch you not spending the break outside of the building.

You just wanted to spend time with him before your family would whisk you away from him, like they always did. Rarely have you had the power to decide your free time, sitting at your father's meetings, mothers cocktails, boredly listening to conversations about money transactions that made you feel uneasy.

“Plans for tonight?” he asked as he gave your thigh a final squeeze before letting go, patting your skirt back down to its normal form.

You hummed, leaning back on the wall lazily, your chest pushed out. “Grandparents are coming over. From mother’s side,” you said, already tired at the idea of the dreadful encounter.

Baekhyun nodded, though you could sense he was a bit disappointed. He never said anything, though. It was safe to say he was used to the way things were working with your family. After all, it had been two years by now. Two years of your relationship. And with each passing moment, the both of you seemed to grow even fonder of each other. He never complained. He loved you.

“Sorry,” you sighed again, closing your eyes for a moment when you felt his palm on your cheek that forced you to open them again, his gaze gentle. He leaned in, nudging you with his nose.

“There is nothing to be sorry about, love.”

“Of course there is,” you replied passionately. “I really want to spend more time with you, Baekhyun.”

“You will. We will be together. Once university starts-”

“Can you understand that you consume my thoughts every second? And when I am not with you, the time just drags and it's like a small hell because I cannot see your face-”

Baekhyun kissed you, interrupting your small outburst. You moaned quietly, shyly, bringing him closer by his tie. He played with your lips, teasing you with his tongue, but he wouldn't go further than that. You were in school and as much as he was mischievous, he wouldn't go that far. “I love you,” he whispered.

You smiled brightly. “I love you, too.”

“And I will wait for you no matter how long it takes, okay? Don't feel sorry. I should study anyway,” he shrugged nonchalantly as if it really weren’t a big deal.

You smiled proudly while massaging his ear with your hand. “Always responsible, my prince.”

Just like you knew he would be, your driver was waiting for you, his face typically devoid of any emotions as you trudged to the school gates, ignoring the snickering gazes of students scattered around the entrance. Baekhyun was with you, hand in hand and just before you would reach the car, you stopped to kiss him goodbye. 

“Text me,” you demanded, looking into his eyes.

He nodded, and his long hair fell into his eyes. “I will.”

Not wanting to let go just yet, you took the opportunity and brushed his soft hair out of his eyes while he gently gazed into yours. 

“Promise me you won’t go against your parents,” he said suddenly, his voice quiet and hushed.

You focused on him, slowly retreating your hand from his hair. “What do you mean?” you asked, despite having a very good hunch. He knew your family very well, if not from what you have told him already, then from the experiences of when you would bring him home to study together and his parents would be cold and heartless, especially to you, not accepting your relationship with Baekhyun at all.

He sighed and looked somewhere else for a moment, letting the surroundings absorb in his mind before facing you. “I don’t want something happening to you. It just seems to me that the more you go against them, the more they will push you, mentally or physically. And I don’t want that.”

His worries made you feel warm. Someone actually cared for your well-being, unlike other people you were blood-related to. “I will be a good girl, hm?” you murmured, hearing your driver opening his door to get out, obviously impatient. “I will obey. For you.”

Baekhyun nodded and pressed a kiss to your forehead. “That’s the talk. Now go, before Mr Lee loses his cool,” he said, stepping away from you and nudging his head towards your driver who already opened your car door, obviously urging you to hurry.

You pressed your lips together and waved at your boyfriend one more time before turning and sliding inside the car, the door shutting loudly behind you, voicing the driver's dissatisfaction with your attitude.

Even if you wanted to wave at Baekhyun, you knew he wouldn’t see you. The windows were completely black.

You were dressing up for the dreaded dinner when your mother entered your room. Without knocking, of course. She looked at your dress of dark-red colour combined with a cute black bow on your back. The A skirt was hugging your curves just the right way and the hem stopped in the middle of your thighs that were covered in black stockings. Stylish, you thought.

“Slutty,” was what she said, frowning, her forehead wrinkled into three layers of skin. “Change it.”

You looked at her from behind your shoulder, sending her a poker face before facing your mirror again. “I like it. I won’t change it.”

Your mother sighed, crossing her arms over her chest. “You’re ridiculous. Who are you dressing up for? Your lover boy isn’t coming tonight.”

“And whose fault is that?” you fired back, hating whenever they as much as mentioned him. He was too good to be pronounced in their mouths. “It ain’t mine, mother. So stop irking me!”

“Watch your tone,” she said in a low voice before sighing deeply and shaking her head. “Listen. Your grandfather and grandmother will be here soon, so change. You know they are very conservative.”

“I’m not even showing skin,” you muttered, frustrated.

“You’re still a high school student. You aren’t supposed to be looking like this.”

Swiftly turning around, you walked to her slowly. “I’m not supposed to be having a chest? A butt? I am still growing, you know. Out of all people, you should know.”

“You have those because you eat more than you should and thanks to your boyfriend you are more horny than it’s okay for someone your age which leads you to have a big appetite,” she deadpanned. “So cover yourself up. This is not a strip club.”

Your mouth fell open, complete disbelief widening your eyes. She must have not been serious. But you knew she was, so what was more annoying was the fact that you still got angry and you still fought back, despite knowing their preferences for years. You tried to ignore the sting in your chest when she talked about food and about the way your body naturally worked. You were a hormonal teenager. Why couldn’t she understand?

Quickly remembering the promise you made to Baekhyun, you collected yourself and, although in pain, you nodded. But before you could answer, your mother continued: “Besides. Given the nature of our get-together today, you do need to look more responsible.”

That made you frown in confusion. “What does that mean?”

She smiled, though it was rather smug than anything else. “You will find out soon enough.”

“Mum!”

“Change,” she commanded, something dark flashing in her eyes before she walked out of the room.

Annoying tears burned in your eyes, and you quickly grabbed your phone, wanting to complain to Baekhyun, but he beat you to it and you found messages from him sent only a couple of minutes ago that immediately pacified your wild emotions.

i’m thinking of you ❤️ always

even now

and even now

and now too

gorgeous 😘🥰

You smiled through your tears, the need of wanting to be with him growing by tenfold. He melted all the negative emotions you had in yourself and you sat down on your bed, your eyes scanning the texts, the emoticons, and then the picture you had for him. He was being silly on it, wearing your sunglasses and pretending to be a girl group member looking seductive.

With a final look, you nodded to yourself, determined to follow what you had promised. 

Changing into a white shirt politely tucked into a black pencil skirt with your hair strictly tied into a knot, you looked like any worker in your father's company; not standing out, conservative and a little bit numb.

Only one thing was eating you away as you made your way downstairs to the huge dining hall, your parents already  welcoming your grandparents whose eyes gave you a strict look over. 

The nature of this dinner. 

What could that be?

All of the dinners had something into it. Your parents never did anything just for the sake of doing it. If there wasn’t something profitable in the action, they would never bother. But what did they want from your grandparents?

“Oh, finally you decided to show up. What are these manners, letting your old folks wait for you, hm?” Your grandmother’s words sounded like crow’s wailing. Annoying, terribly annoying. 

“Excuse me. Had to dress up properly for your company,” you replied in a calm tone, not paying attention to her nagging. You walked up to them and bowed politely, respecting them.

Your grandma scoffed, frowning at you while your grandfather’s eyes crinkled up a bit in a small smile, though he didn’t say anything besides nodding once to acknowledge your polite greeting. 

“Let’s just sit, shall we?” your father voiced, motioning to the prepared dining table adorned in a cream table cloth. “Before the food gets cold.”

“Yes, yes, we have things to discuss anyway,” rasped your grandmother as she sat down.

Your father was at the head of the table while your mother and you sat on his right, your grandparents on the opposite site. You ended up facing your grandfather for which you were thankful. He was one of the less evil. In fact, he barely ever showed any interest in the happenings around the dirty business your family was involved in.

Now that you thought about it, you didn’t know about him and your evil grandma. You had been secluded from any warm interaction since young age, so you never even bothered asking how they met and how they fell in love. How did grandfather even deal with someone like her was beyond your understanding.

Once your mother started talking in her superior tone, you concluded that your grandfather still managed to raise up someone like your mother. He probably wasn’t any better than the rest of the family.

“We have been in close contact with the rival company,” she started and you suppressed the need to roll your eyes.

Servants put all the food in front of you; seaweed soup, lots of side dishes, meat, fish, rice, rice cakes and corn tea. You usually liked the food but given you had to listen to another business talk, you lost your appetite.

“Their son is already in his thirties, so they requested the marriage as soon as our daughter is out of high school.”

You jumped in your seat, knocking your knee in the table rather painfully. You didn’t have time to curse and look at your mother, who continued talking as if nothing was happening: “Obviously we need to finish this deal before any more losses could happen to our business. Their company is overflowing with profit-“

“What are you talking about?” you snapped, not watching your tone that came out rude.

Your father frowned. “Your attitude is honestly disappointing. How can you talk to your mother in that to-“

“I am not getting married to anyone!” you shouted, growing hot-headed, your knee throbbing in pain. “I-I have a university to attend soon! How can I marry before getting a degree?! And I have a boyfriend-“

Your mother laughed drily. “How on earth can you even consider that boy?” she said, looking at you with utmost calmness. “He is just a middle-class boy.”

Your grandmother and father joined her in chuckles. “Don’t be silly,” said your grandmother. “It’s just a high school crush. It’s always about experimenting and not understanding what love is. Silly teenager stuff.”

“What do you know about love?” you asked doubtfully, turning to your grandmother with a death glare to which she returned it back.

“How dare you question your elders?! Calm down this instant and listen!”

If it were possible, fumes would be coming out of your nose and ears. You couldn’t believe what you just heard was true. It couldn’t be. You wouldn’t allow it.

“Besides,” started your father in a scolding manner, “you are not good at studies. We agreed to let you attend the university you chose, but your studies will be fruitless since you didn’t study as you were told to. You aren’t a man either,” he scoffed and gave a side eye to your mother who now froze. “But that isn’t your fault that you weren’t born a man. That’s someone else’s.”

Completely at loss for words, you fell back in your chair, devastated at what you just heard. Not only he degraded you, but he now attacked your mother.

In a sudden need to defend your mother as a woman rather than as your parent, you snapped: “It’s the amount of sperm that a man manages to put into a woman that decides the gender. If it’s anyone’s fault that I am a girl, it’s yours!”

Everyone went silent at what you just said, your father so shocked his mouth hung open. He blinked a few times, regaining his posture but you were already standing up. “I am not marrying anyone! I already have a boy-“

“So you do all the dirty stuff with this boyfriend of yours and that’s why your mouth is so nasty!” came your father’s voice like a thunder.

“She needs to break up with him. He is no good influence on her,” butted in your grandmother nonchalantly as she slurped her seaweed soup.

You snapped your eyes to her, and to your grandfather who was frowning down at his empty plate.

“I won’t break up with Baekhyun.”

“Then keep your delusions up. But once you're out of high school, the ceremony will take place,” said your mother resolutely, sending daggers your way. 

“I don’t want to do anything with your business,” you now said in despair. “I don’t want to own your company!”

Your father snickered drily in disgust. “You won’t own our company, daughter. You’re useless as it is, so we are going to merge the companies. That’s the only way we can save our hard work.”

You shook your hair. “No, I refuse!”

“You don’t have a choice,” shrugged your mother now turning back to her plate. “You can do whatever you want, but your fate is in our hands. That’s why,” she emphasized and looked at you, “for your own good, break up with your boyfriend. He is no good news. Save yourself the heartbreak. He is with you for the money anyway.”

You stood frozen, keeping the gasp in. Tears were spilling out of your eyes and you turned around, running back to your room, sobs leaving your mouth.

You always knew your family was a nightmare - cold, scary, emotionless. But this was too much for your young self.

All you wanted was warmth, safety and honest emotions.

All of those were what Baekhyun offered you.

He was more than just a boyfriend.

He was love.

That night, you didn't call Baekhyun, instead deciding to text him back to let him know that everything went fine. He was studying anyway, and if you wanted something, it was for him to become successful in a field that he was passionate about. Unlike you, who barely had any hobbies, let alone passions.

Finally crying yourself to sleep around 3am, your alarm went off too early in the morning, a strong headache first thing you felt as you turned off the blaring thing.

Sighing, you fell back on the comfortable pillows, their lavender smell engulfing your senses and momentarily offering a calming pat on your headache. Closing your eyes, you felt your eyes well up again, the idea of having to break up with Baekhyun just not adding up in your mind. How could you do that? Why would you deprive yourself of the only source of light you had in your life? For someone you never even met. Someone who seemed to be much, much older than you.

“I'm not doing it,” you whispered into the stillness of your room, your voice hoarse. Tears slid out of your eyes and down your sides until they tickled your ears. “I'm not.”

And with that, you faced your day; you washed up, put on your uniform, packed the necessary books and headed out, not saying your morning greetings, nor eating breakfast. Ignoring your surroundings, you went out not even waiting for your driver. You decided you will take the mundane route to school that day: bus and metro like Baekhyun did everyday.

“Hey, are you okay?” Someone’s fingers appeared in the line of your vision. Fingers all too familiar.

You looked up to see a worried Baekhyun, his shirt untucked and his tie loosen-up around his neck giving him the typical goofy, laid-back look that lived up very well to his personality. You managed to smile. “Yeah, just tired. Didn’t get to sleep much.”

“And why is that?” he asked, taking the closest seat to yours, looking around to check if the owner of the seat wasn’t there. When you pursed your lips, debating what to say, he added gently: “What is bothering you, hm? You know you can tell me.”

Releasing probably the nth sigh of that day, you closed your eyes for a moment before looking at him. “Let’s talk after school maybe. It’s not something to discuss here.”

Baekhyun nodded but you saw the rapid thinking his mind drifted off to. He could sense trouble, especially with your family. “Alright, let’s do that. But your driver-“

“He didn’t drive me to school, so he won’t be driving me from school,” you said in a monotone and Baekhyun raised an eyebrow at that.

“How did you come to school?”

You shrugged. “Like you do everyday. Public transport.”

Slowly, his mouth stretched to a soft, lopsided smile, his hand reaching out to caress your cheek with the back of his fingers. “Enjoyed it?”

You mimicked his smile, his touch easing up the tension you couldn’t get rid of since last night. “Yeah, thoroughly. Only you were missing. Then it would be perfect.” 

His smile only grew and you turned your head slightly, kissing his hand before he retracted it, keeping the eye contact while he kissed the same spot your lips touched on his hand.

You watched in small awe and you giggled when he added a louder smooch. “You’re unbelievable.”

He let out a laugh, standing up when the bell rang. “But you love me.” He squeezed your shoulder.

“That I do.”

After that, you couldn’t focus any more in any of the classes. Once again it was proved that you wouldn’t be able to even imagine your life without Baekhyun next to you. Yes, the idea of marriage was scary but you’d marry him. In an instant.

Finally coming up with a way to make something out for yourself and of that damn deal your parents made, you slipped out of the classroom as soon as the bell rang announcing the end of your last class of that day. Quickly pulling out your phone, you hid in the toilets and dialed your mother's phone who lazily picked up after countless attempts.

“What.”

So you were still in a war zone. “If I am to get married,” you started without further ado, “he can not touch me. And I won’t be breaking up with Baekhyun.”

It was silent for a moment before your mother let out a laugh. “Oh, honey. We do want you to finish university first before anything else will happen.”

She didn’t add anything more which confused you. “Okay, either way, I won’t be breaking up with Baekhyun.”

“Do whatever you deem correct. Though I bet he won’t like you getting married to someone else? Didn’t you always say how loyal he was?”

You grit your teeth. “Why do you suddenly care about his loyalty?” you hissed, pacing in the small toilet space. “That isn’t your business. You will always get what you want and I already said I will comply but on my terms.”

“Your terms are cheating on your husband? Or on your boyfriend? I really don’t know where this attitude comes from in you. Neither me nor your father are like that-“

Before she could finish, you burst out laughing. “What? You aren’t like that? Don’t be delusional, mother. You’re trying to marry me off for your own profit!” you exclaimed, raising your voice. “The only thing I am asking - no, I am going to do it whether you like it or not. I will be with Baekhyun. I’ll be with him until he breaks up with me.” Because there was no way you would do it.

Your mother was silent for a moment and then she sighed. “Do as you want. As long as you sign the papers…” she trailed off. “I have a meeting now. Let’s discuss once we are home.” And she ended the call.

You realized you were trembling only when you finally let your hand dangle next to your body, already tired from the fights. 

At least she didn’t say anything against the idea.

You took it as a positive sign.

You didn’t go home that night. Baekhyun suggested to sleep over at his house and you gladly agreed. It wouldn't be the first and certainly not the last time. His parents knew you well and you always felt their warm welcome whenever Baekhyun brought you home with him. His mother was a great cook and whenever you saw her, you were reminded of Baekhyun's kind smile.

“Are you staying for the night?” asked his mother with a laugh when you greeted her with a polite bow.

You smiled shyly, nodding and looking up at Baekhyun who was gazing down at you encouragingly. “Yes, if that is okay, auntie.”

“Of course! It's Friday night anyway. My son just keeps studying and not living his young life properly so please, be our guest.”

“Thank you,” you smiled and she said she would prepare a late dinner for you while you and Baehyun went to his room to change into something more comfortable.

“Could you borrow me some of your clothes?” you asked once in his room as you were working on unbuttoning your uniform's shirt and watched shirtless Baekhyun roam in his drawer for your favourite shirt of his.

“Here you go,” he said, coming up to you with the shirt and joggers, but instead of handing them to you, he just put them on the bed and mumbled a soft: “Let me.”

His fingers took over the unbuttoning process, and you closed your eyes at the feathery touch of his hands as he uncovered more skin. When he was reaching your stomach, he paused and you cracked your eyes open, finding him gazing at you intently before his eyes fell to the middle of your breasts that were exposed. He unbuttoned the last two buttons swiftly and then pushed his hands inside the shirt, dragging his fingertips over your hips and waist, tapping each bone of your ribcage until he slid his hands up to your shoulders, sliding the material off. “You want to keep your bra?” he asked, almost as if he wasn't breathing loudly, mimicking your rapidly rising and falling chest.

Shaking your head gently, you mumbled a soft no before he nodded in acknowledgement and with one hand unclasped the bra. He stepped even closer, your nose almost touching his broad and very naked chest. You felt his breath on your cheek as he whispered, pulling on the straps of your bra: “May I?”

Swallowing harshly, you nodded and looked up at him to find his fiery gaze intently set on you. When he pushed the straps off your shoulders and your bra fell to the floor, you shivered at the cool air hitting the hot skin as Baekhyun's fingers were back again, dragging them from your back through your underarms until he reached the sides of your breasts. His breathing was irregular, hot puffs hitting your face while you whimpered softly, egging him on to finally grab you.

“You're so beautiful,” he whispered shakily and you let out a loud sigh when he finally took a hold of your mounds, squeezing them gently in his palms.

You brought your arms around his neck, stretching the skin on your chest and you kissed him hungrily, the heat in your core growing almost painful for not being satisfied as you so badly wished you would be.

Baekhyun pushed his tongue into your mouth, going for a dirty kiss right away as he gave a final, stronger squeeze to your breasts before letting them go, bringing his hands down to your backside, bunching up your skirt in lust. He let out a satisfied moan when he grabbed the meat, his finger momentarily sliding inside and between your thighs. You were fast to break the kiss, needing air and also needing to whine because you needed him so badly.

His naked torso pressed now to yours, his hands cheekily teasing you and grabbing you, he was all about games.

“Baekhyun, the food is ready! Come quickly before it gets cold!” shouted his mother down the hallway, thankfully not coming to Baekhyun's room. You froze in his arms nonetheless to which he chuckled.

“Relax,” he murmured, pressing his face into your neck. “She knows not to disturb when my door is closed and you are with me.”

Letting out a breathy laugh, you let go of him just when he did.

“Once we are back,” he said, helping you put on his big t-shirt. “I will take care of that wetness down there. Seems pretty severe.”

You quirked an eyebrow, looking at the tent that was asking for attention over his joggers. “You sound so unaffected.”

He looked down just where your eyes were set and chuckled as if it was nothing. “Oh, sweetie, it's always like this when I'm with you. I just can't help it,” he said and leaned in, biting your earlobe. “You bring out the man in me.”

Everything was a long lost dream and you should have known it. Things you imagined and desired were not what the reality had in store for you, and it just made it more difficult for you to face Baekhyun. Even when you went on the last high school trip where you had the biggest fun, made the most exciting memories, sneaking behind the group to steal a small kiss, even all of that was not able to lighten up your damp mood. Somehow, it was possible for you to fake it, but you would have been dumb if you ever thought Baekhyun believed your words or smiles. He could sense trouble from miles and given the nature of your family, he was always well-aware of how many troubles could grow overnight in your household. He just wouldn't know the severity of the problem. And you weren't planning to tell him, just like you promised yourself and your mother, not until Baekhyun would break up with you.

And right now, it was your graduation day.

The D-day had come when you would have to say goodbye to all your friends, even the fake ones, and you would be a little closer to losing Baekhyun. Except you wouldn't know it would happen that fast.

“Congratulations!” squealed Baekhyun's mother who was fast to hug Baekhyun and you both at the same time, squeezing you to her chest. Your face was pushed into the colourful bouquet of flowers that smelled wonderfully - but from a distance. You tried to  squeeze your eyes shut but you just looked down, catching Baekhyun's worn-out converse sneakers.

Baekhyun snorted a laugh when he saw your face in the freezias, and gently pushed you away from his mother to protect you. As you straightened up, you managed to scrunch your face just in time to sneeze.

“Oh dear, I'm so sorry,” giggled Baekhyun's mother and even his father chuckled from behind her which made your heart warm up.

“It's alright, auntie,” you waved your hand, feeling your eyes watering up but you laughed nonetheless because - how could you ever be mad at such a sweet woman who was the only person on Earth to have the right to call Baekhyun hers? As much as you wished, you were nowhere near close to have the right for him to be yours. And maybe you would never be. “Looking at you, I wonder how was my son able to sweep you off of your feet! You're so beautiful!”

You smiled shyly and felt Baekhyun's soft gaze on you, ready to reach out for your hand before his mother pushed the bouquet into his arms. “This is for you, son, and this is for you, my dear,” she said, giving you one as well.

Just when you were about to thank her politely and bow, your mother's cold voice interrupted the merry atmosphere, your happy smile dying down as you turned to face her, your father and a- stranger? A man, to be exact.

“Here you are,” she said, sending a cold smile towards Baekhyun's parents, ignoring your boyfriend altogether. She stepped closer so she wouldn't be overheard, and muttered: “I guess your wishes will come true soon.” She leaned back and you followed her with your eyes as she stepped aside. “Mr Kwon, please meet my daughter,” she introduced you before continuing, “and this is Mr Kwon Minheob, your fiancée. Greet him properly!” she ordered but you didn't even process what she said.

Standing frozen, your arms were about to let go of the bouquet you just received were it not for Baekhyun who was fast enough to get the flowers out of your grasp. “Oh, that's great news! I'll take these for you!” he exclaimed with a smile and you looked at him with pure horror in your eyes. “Congrats by the way! I will miss you as my classmate!” he added and quickly bowed to your parents. “I'll see you around someday!” And with that, he turned and left.

In that instance, many things were swirling around in your brain - complete, utter shock, overwhelm, fear, heartbreak. What did Baekhyun just do? Why did he say that? And where was he going-

“Nice to meet you,” said the older male with a deep voice. You turned your stare back at him, hearing your heart beating in your ears. “What a pleasure to finally meet you. I have heard a lot about you and your studies. It is so nice of you to lower yourself and your status and attend a regular high school with ordinary people. I believe we will have a lot in common.” He finally uncrossed his hands from behind his back and you found a pastel pink bag dangling off of his somewhat thick fingers. “And this is my congratulatory present for you. Congratulations on graduating high school.”

Once again, you just stared at the bag, unable to make your own hand move and accept the gift with a polite bow like you were expected to. The only thing ringing in your mind was Baekhyun and him only. He found out much sooner than he was supposed to and you hated yourself because he was most probably hating you right now. What was worse - his parents were there, too. They all saw it when it all seemed like you were just about to stay with their son forever. Yet, your family, as always, ruined it all and you weren't sure if you would recover.

Looking up to the tall, grown man, it didn't take you a lot to know he was far from anyone you could have feelings for, ever. The words he just spoke, the malice he said them with, was everything you were standing for. Obviously, he was no one you could have things in common with.

Your father stepped next to you and, painfully, pinched your side, making you gasp and automatically reach out for the gift with a low bow. His fingers were squeezing your skin through your dress and it rushed tears in your eyes, but you blinked them away while accepting the gift and staring at the polished shoes of Kwon Minheob.

“Nice to meet you,” you mumbled, straightening up. The gift bag felt heavy in your hand but you tried not to pay too much attention to it. Eventually, your father also removed his hand from your back and he gave you a pressed smile, though you didn't look at him. “Congratulations, our daughter. Now we can go all to our house and have a good di-”

“I'm sorry, but I still have, eh, friends to greet and meet,” you said, “we also all agreed to have our last meal together as a class,” you added, looking up to meet your father's eyes. You weren't lying; the entire class wanted to meet and have chicken and beer. Preferably spend the time loudly somewhere in a good restaurant.

He shot you a dissatisfied scowl, but you held his gaze. “Until when? You won't be meeting them anyway, why waste time?”

“Exactly,” pressed your mother and smiled brightly at Mr Kwon, who kept observing you with quite an unreadable expression. “And we have Mr Kwon to entertain.”

Quite literally you thought you would start wailing right then and there; everyone was going against you, nobody seeming to listen to your words. Just when you felt tears prickle your eyes, Mr Kwon spoke up and surprised all of you.

“That is not necessary,” he declared, giving a curt smile towards your parents, “she is still young and should enjoy her classmates one last time. I suppose it will be difficult to do it once they all go their own way,” he said in a diplomatic voice, looking at you the entire time. It took a lot in you not to flinch and shudder under his gaze. “So go and enjoy, miss, and I will meet you soon to have a more private conversation with you.” You nodded quickly, though blood was already draining from your face at the idea of what he suggested. Mr Kwon turned to your parents. “I will leave you to entertain your daughter and I will reach out soon.”

Before anyone else could say another word, he gave a short bow and disappeared in the mass of people.

“You do realize-” your mother started, but you were fast to push the bag into her chest, not caring whether she caught it or not, and dashing for the direction that Baekhyun disappeared into.

Of course you were aware how much you would get scolded once you actually faced your parents, but right now you couldn't care less. It was better to get scolded, but losing Baekhyun or even making him hurt just the tiniest of bits made you resent yourself.

And so you pushed past crowds, stopping to say hi, keeping an eye out for any coconut head out there with a family that shone brighter than yours would ever shine. Just when you were about to lose it and start straight up crying in the middle of the crowd, you felt a hand intertwining with yours and you just knew. He didn't turn you around, but you felt his body behind yours and it was you who turned, facing him with a scared expression. 

“Baekhyun,” you whimpered. Seeing his kind smile made you want to slap him because why was he like that after what he heard?

“Hm? Want to tell me about it now?” he asked gently and combed your hair out of your face, his smile growing by an inch. “Pretty.”

You took a deep breath, shakiness overtaking your legs from unwanted pressure. “It isn't what you think it is.”

“Then what is it?”

“I don't want to marry him,” you said and this time, your tears rapidly grew in your eyes and were rolling down your cheeks. “I-I-I never… I mean, not yet. I did-didn't know he would come, I never saw him before and-”

“Shhh, calm down,” he hushed, bringing your face to his chest, hugging you to himself. “Let's talk about it another time.”

“No,” you said, hiccuping, “I am not losing you, Baekhyun.”

“You aren't.” “I'm not losing you,” you repeated, closing your eyes and pressing your face more into him, taking a deep breath of his scent, feeling up his warmth and presence. “I'm not losing you.”

He called your name gently. “It's fine. Don't cry, hm? You know I can't stand seeing you cry. I am not mad and I'm not going anywhere,” he whispered urgently into your ear.

“I just hate my family so much,” you mumbled into his chest. Baekhyun's shirt must have been stained by make-up by then, but neither of you cared. “And I don't want their terrible attitude to damage you.”

“It won't damage me. You are important to me, you. Look at me, hm? Look at me, darling.”

You sniffed and stepped away a little, tilting your head so you could see his kind eyes. He cooed, reaching up to run his thumbs under your eyes. “My little raccoon. Let's enjoy today, alright? Just us. And our classmates,” he added with a little laugh.

You smiled weakly, nodding. Anything Baekhyun wanted, he would get from you.

Your entire class hoarded into a chicken restaurant in Hongdae, the loud cheers and chatterings making many people turn in interest to look at you. You sat down around your girlfriends while you let, though reluctantly, Baekhyun join his pals. Even though you would exchange reassuring looks here and there, you still felt incredibly anxious about the incident earlier. In fact, you were so swallowed up by the idea of losing Baekhyun that you didn't  even think about the actual fiancée, Mr Kwon.

But instead of focusing on that, you decided to enjoy tonight, for you knew events like these won't be coming up for you anytime soon. If anything, your freedom was close to gone.

“I am going to start my own clothing brand,” started one of your classmates that was sitting next to you, munching on her piece of chicken meat. She went on spilling many details that didn't add up in your brain, though you listened carefully to every word she said.

“You don't have your degree yet,” you replied eventually and took a gulp of your coke.

“Funny, coming from someone like you,” she snickered, “you can decide you want to own an island and you will.”

You sighed, rolling your eyes but your classmate just shrugged.

“I can assure you she won't,” came in Baekhyun's voice. “I know it pretty well, since I'm her boyfriend.”

The girls exchanged looks. They all had a secret crush on him, so his words made them a little embarrassed. “Would you even marry her?” they teased.

“I would. In a heartbeat,” was his answer and you looked at him with huge eyes, your mouth that was slightly oily from the chicken hanging open, your heart frantically beating in your chest.

The entire table hollored and whistled, and you caught your boyfriend smiling proudly at you, eventually sending a confident wink. He tapped his mouth with his index finger and then pointed at you. You felt your lips stretch instantly, because you knew he meant “close your mouth”.

“Whew, you really are lucky,” muttered the girl next to you, changing the topic completely.

His hand was intertwined with yours once again as you were slowly walking along the Han river. Ttukseom Han river park was, as always, busy with young people. It gave a great view on Gangnam and Cheongdam that were lying on the opposite side, the city lights of the tall buildings reminding you how life revolved around money and basically anything that smelled even the slightest of capitalism. You found yourself despising all of it.

“Cat stole your tongue?” muttered Baekhyun playfully into the chilly air as he swayed your connected hands.

“Just… thinking,” you replied and made sure your sides were brushing.

He didn't reply, instead letting silence overtake again, but you knew he was curious. He wanted to, and deserved, to know.

“Did you mean it?” you asked, looking at the dark water.

“Did I mean what?”

“That you would marry me in a heartbeat,” you said softly, scared to actually pronounce those words. They sounded so unnatural, for some reason, despite them mirroring everything you ever wanted in life. “What you said during dinner.”

“Yes, I meant it and you know it, too, sweetheart,” he said, shaking your hand.

You smiled to yourself. If you wouldn't spill the beans now, you would probably never find the guts to talk about the main issue that was simmering like the water in a pressure cooker. “My parents want me to marry that man for business. Something along merging their companies or whatever,” you started. “I found out a while ago but I was fighting them. And then you made me promise to obey,” you sighed, feeling the well-known dread eating up your insides, “and I had to agree. But I don't want to.”

“So that's why you weren't yourself,” he muttered more to himself than to you, and he stopped walking so he could look at you properly. When you wouldn't meet his eye, too ashamed, he put his index finger under your chin and made you tilt your head up. “Why didn't you just tell me from the beginning?”

“Baekhyun,” you whispered in disbelief, “how could I? It isn't some news about apples growing backwards.”

He chuckled. “Well, you have to admit, that would make the headlines.”

You giggled, rolling your eyes. “You know what I mean.”

He let out another chuckle through his nose and slid his hand up so he could cup your cheek lovingly while thinking over his next words. “When are you supposed to marry him?”

You swallowed. “Maybe after uni? I … I never wanted to talk to them, so I don't know exactly… I insisted after university graduation.”

He hummed, running his thumb over your lower lip, his gaze focused on the way he parted your lips. “So, we have four more years?”

You pursed your lips, not liking the idea of having limited time with Baekhyun. “Of course not. I will always be with you.”

He sighed, and eventually dropped his hand on your shoulder; you tried not to feel disappointed. “I think this is more complicated than you think, love.”

“How is it complicated, Baekhyun?” you asked stubbornly. “I love you. I saw that man today for the first time in my life. How can I marry someone I don't know and barely ever saw? He is almost twice my age, Baekhyun. You know this is not okay and you also know it doesn't make any sense.”

“And you know business is anything but emotions,” was his fast reply.

“I don't care about their business.”

“And they don't care that you don't care.”

“Bu-but I just don't care! I will be with you behind his back and-”

“And how would that make me feel?” he fired back, now both of you slowly getting heated up from the small exchange of opinions. Baekhyun just asked something you never wanted him to utter. If you were to talk about him, of course, he was the victim. He'd become a secret lover; the forbidden fruit.

When you didn't reply, he nodded, his hand falling off your shoulder. “I understand.”

“Baekhyun, let's talk about this step by step,” you tried, reaching for his hand which he, thankfully, didn't retreat. “We still have a long time until any of those things could even happen. Maybe it won't happen - and I will try my best not to let it happen. But let it not affect our present. Please,” you added with urgency, looking into his warm eyes.

When Baekhyun was troubled or sad, his eyes seemed to become even more down-ward than they already were. This time, it was no exception and you wanted to reach out and make the wrinkles go away but you didn't. “Let me just think this matter through, alright?” he murmured eventually.

You pressed your lips together and nodded while you stepped close to him, snaking your arms around his waist. He gladly took you in, letting out a deep sigh as he hugged you to him and kissed the top of your head. “It will be okay.”

“May I sleep at yours tonight?” you mumbled into his shoulder after a moment of silence. “I just cannot imagine going back to that hell.”

He rubbed your back gently. “Of course. My mum is already expecting us. We shouldn't disappoint her.”

You leaned back a bit and stood on your toes to press your lips to his. “You're the best.”

And so, after walking a little bit longer and enjoying the faraway noise of the busy roads and nightlife Seoul, you slowly made your way back to the metro station, heading for Baekhyun's house, and your safety.

The both of you were lying on his bed, his parents long asleep, the quietness of the apartment giving you a sense of safeness. Baekhyun had a book open on his lap while you were doodling something you weren’t sure what was yet. Manual work seemed to preoccupy your mind enough and sadly, even with Baekhyun next to you, you couldn’t find your peace of mind. 

“Aren’t you tired yet?” whispered Baekhyun and looked at you, and on the paper to see what you were so focused on. “It’s already 1am. Your parents will want you home early-“

Your sigh interrupted him and you put down the pencil rather harshly as you sat up properly to face him. “Since when do you care about them? You know I will go home whenever I want to. I don’t care, so you shouldn’t either.”

“I don’t want you to get into trouble, okay?” he said back, his voice quiet but low. “There has been enough drama.”

“What worse can happen? They want me to let go of you. That is the worst punishment for me.”

Baekhyun’s gaze softened and he also sat up properly to face you. “I know. I can’t lose you either. And I wasn’t intending on that. I meant that they might lock you up and then I won’t be able to see you so soon, hm?” he murmured gently, his lips puckering with each word as he reached out with his hand to caress your cheek. You leaned into his touch right away. “I want to enjoy what we have now.”

You smiled gently when you recognized your previously uttered words and grabbed his hand that was cradling your cheek. “You know I would sneak out just to meet you if I were to be locked up.”

He rewarded you with a lopsided, handsome smile. “You shouldn’t, you little devil.”

You sighed and shimmied yourself closer until your knees were touching his. “Kiss me,” you whispered breathily, already eyeing his lips.

He observed you a little longer before his eyes dropped on yours. Softly smiling, he leaned in, now both of his hands on your neck to angle your face. The softest of touches was what you felt first before he pressed his lips harsher, moving his mouth against yours. Your hands snaked around his neck to urge him on while he opened your mouth and invited himself in. Without meaning to, you let out a satisfied hum that seemed to ignite Baekhyun because he pressed harder, slowly making you fall back on your back, head on the pillows.

He grunted as you spread your legs so he could settle himself there as your kiss grew dirtier, all tongues and teeth, battling for dominance. Your fingers were messing up his hair while his hands were touching you over the fabric of his pyjamas.

It was your whines and a couple of pulls on the hem of his shirt that made Baekhyun lean back so that you could undress in haste, both of you eager and very much horny. Finally feeling the hot skin of his chest press up against yours he was too eager and he already lined himself up at your center, needing the release without any foreplay.

“Just keep quiet, alright?” he reminded softly into your ear under which he placed the softest kiss before he started pushing in, your mouth falling open, but your juices doing a good enough job for his easy access.

You gasped rather loudly and he silenced you with a messy kiss, interrupting it with harsh pants on your mouth as his eyes were closed in focus, his forehead pressed against yours. You panted and tilted your head to chase his parted lips while he pushed himself in all the way, reaching the stillness that you very much needed.

Unable to take the pain, your eyes were squeezed shut, scratching Baekhyun’s back while the other hand fisted his blanket. 

“Just a little longer,” Baekhyun whispered urgently, lips against your forehead, repeatedly puckering them in tiny butterfly  kisses. “The pain will be all gone, I promise. I’ll make you feel like no one on this planet.” He moved the slightest bit, the friction making him hide his face in your neck and mouth at the skin.

Your heaving chest was pressing up against his and with his next movement, you felt the tingles of pleasure that he promised you just heartbeats ago. Giving Baekhyun the sign to move, he started rocking, already setting up a faster pace for he couldn’t wait any longer. Your influence on him was too strong, his emotions for you too overwhelming. In his eyes, you were so sexy, beautiful, sensitive, and absolutely alluring. It would be brutal if he had to hold back while having you underneath him.

Who did he try to lie to? He went absolutely crazy at the idea of him having to leave you for another man; some old dude who didn’t even know you. It might have been the reason why he grew relentless, pushing you into his mattress and snapping his hips, your face of pure ecstasy only fueling his passionate drive. He hated the entire situation. He didn’t want to share you. He never wanted to have a secret relationship with you. If he imagined a future, besides him becoming a doctor, it was your presence next to his the entire time.

Baekhyun was never one to be aggressive and stubbornly go against every rule, unlike you. In your relationship, he was the cold-headed one, the peace-maker, always fighting for what the brain said instead of the heart.

But right now, his heart was in despair, already feeling the beginning of a heart break. He thrusted into you with such passion you really couldn't contain your moans and he wasn’t sure he wanted you to keep quiet anymore. Let everyone know that you belonged to him.

He bit your skin just under your collarbones, tasting the sweat, and you gasped, fisting his hair which prompted him to grunt and reach your g-spot.

“Cum for me,” he whispered harshly, biting you again and then moving his face to push his tongue into your open mouth. “Cum for me and say my name.”

He didn’t have to tell you as you were already panting his name like a mantra that would bring you to heaven. Your walls were pleasurably stretched out, the throaty sounds he made bringing you over the edge. He followed soon after your breathy moans and your arching back that caused your breasts to press to his sweaty chest made him lose it.

His arms snaked in the space between your back and the mattress and he squeezed your body to him, hiding his face in your breasts that he mouthed and licked at sensually while feeling himself release.

With one last bite to your sensitive nipple, he moved to kiss you, your tired smile welcoming him. “I love you.”

You combed his hair away from his damp forehead. “I love you more.” But please don't leave me.

--

CuriousCat Ask box is also open! Or comments!💕

[firstfullmoon]

what are some quotes that are so visceral they feel like a gut punch to you?

“A man's heart is a wretched, wretched thing. It isn't like a mother's womb. It won't bleed. It won't stretch to make room for you.”

— Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns

“At the trial of God, we will ask: why did you allow all this? And the answer will be an echo: why did you allow all this?”

— Ilya Kaminsky, “A City Like a Guillotine Shivers on Its Way to the Neck”

“I want someone to tell me what to wear in the morning. I want someone to tell me what to wear every morning. I want someone to tell me what to eat, what to like, what to hate, what to rage about, what to listen to, what band to like, what to buy tickets for, what to joke about, what not to joke about. I want someone to tell me what to believe in, who to vote for, and who to love, and how to tell them. I just think I want someone to tell me how to live my life, Father, because so far I think I’ve been getting it wrong.”

— Phoebe Waller-Bridge, from Fleabag

“Les femmes de notre famille, nous sommes engluées dans la colère J’ai été en colère contre ma mère Tout comme tu es en colère contre moi Et tout comme ma mère fut en colère contre sa mère Il faut casser le fil.”

(The women in our family are all stuck in anger I have been angry at my mother As you are angry with me And as my mother was angry at her mother The thread must be broken.)

— Wajdi Mouawad, Incendies

“I know what I want: an ugly, clean woman with large breasts, who tells me: what’s all this about making things up? I won’t have any dramas, come here immediately!—And she gives me a warm bath, dresses me in a white linen nightdress, braids my hair and puts me to bed, very cross, saying: well what do you want? you run wild, eating at odd times, you could get sick, stop making up tragedies, you think you’re such a big deal, drink this mug of hot broth. She lifts my head up with her hand, covers me with a big sheet, brushes a few strands of hair off my forehead, already white and fresh, and tells me before I fall asleep warmly: you’ll see how in no time your face is going to fill out, forget those harebrained ideas and be a good girl. Someone who takes me in like a humble dog, who opens the door for me, brushes me, feeds me, loves me severely like a dog, that’s all I want, like a dog, a child.”

“I can feel myself holding a child, thought Joana. Sleep, my child, sleep, I tell you. The child is warm and I am sad. But it is the sadness of happiness, this appeasement and sufficiency that leave the face placid, faraway. And when my child touches me he doesn’t rob me of my thoughts as others do. But later, when I give him milk with these fragile, beautiful breasts, my child will grow from my force and crush me with his life. He will distance himself from me and I will be the useless old mother. I won’t feel cheated. But defeated merely and I will say: I don’t know a thing, I am able to give birth to a child and I don’t know a thing. God will receive my humility and will say: I was able to give birth to the universe and I don’t know a thing.”

— Clarice Lispector, Near to the Wild Heart

“I know that my phrases are crude, I write them with too much love, and that love makes up for their faults, but too much love is bad for the work.”

“I’m restless and harsh and despairing. Although I do have love inside me. I just don’t know how to use love. Sometimes it tears at my flesh.”

“But when winter comes I give and give and give. The excess of me starts to hurt and when I’m excessive I have to give of myself.”

— Clarice Lispector, Água Viva

“And that was what I felt when reading your book: that solitude.” “Imagine the solitude of the person who wrote it.”

— Clarice Lispector, from an interview

“suppose the body did this to us, made us afraid of love—”

— Louise Glück, “Crater Lake”

“When I put my hands on your body, on your flesh, I feel the history of that body. Not just the beginning of its forming in that distant lake, but all the way beyond its ending. I feel the warmth and texture and simultaneously I see the flesh unwrap from the layers of fat and disappear. I see the fat disappear from the muscle. I see the muscle disappearing from around the organs and detaching itself from the bones. I see the organs gradually fade into transparency, leaving a gleaming skeleton, gleaming like ivory that slowly resolves until it becomes dust. I am consumed in the sense of your weight, the way your flesh occupies momentary space, the fullness of it beneath my palms. I am amazed at how perfectly your body fits to the curves of my hands. If I could attach our blood vessels so we could become each other I would. If I could attach our blood vessels in order to anchor you to the earth, to this present time, I would. If I could open up your body and slip inside your skin and look out your eyes and forever have my lips fused with yours, I would. It makes me weep to feel the history of your flesh beneath my hands in a time of so much loss. It makes me weep to feel the movement of your flesh beneath my palms as you twist and turn over to one side to create a series of gestures, to reach up around my neck, to draw me nearer. All these memories will be lost in time like tears in the rain.”

— David Wojnarowicz, from The Half-Life

“A child weaned on poison considers harm a comfort.”

— Gillian Flynn, Sharp Objects

“and cain said, There’s an idea I can’t get out of my head, What’s that, said abraham, There must have been innocent people in sodom and in the other cities that were burned, If so, the lord would have kept the promise he made to make to save their lives, What about the children, said cain, surely the children were innocent, Oh my god, murmured abraham and his voice was like a groan, Yes, your god perhaps, but not theirs.”

— José Saramago, Cain

“I’d like to jet-ski / straight out of this life because right now I am / way attached to real things like for instance / people how they are all so tender how they / love to just go walk around and someof them are / wearing pink now and it hurts me and they / bathe their dogs”

— Heather Christle, “This Is Not The Body I Asked For”

“The idea of deserving love. And then watching love being given to people who did nothing to deserve it.”

— Anaïs Nin, from her journal

“And he cries and cries, cries for everything he has been, for everything he might have been, for every old hurt, for every old happiness, cries for the shame and joy of finally getting to be a child, with all of a child’s whims and wants and insecurities, for the privilege of behaving badly and being forgiven, for the luxury of tendernesses, of fondnesses, of being served a meal and being made to eat it, for the ability, at last, at last, of believing a parent’s reassurances, of believing that to someone he is special despite all his mistakes and hatefulness, because of all his mistakes and hatefulness.”

— Hanya Yanagihara, A Little Life

“The veals are the children of cows, are calves. They are locked in boxes the size of themselves. A body-box, like a coffin, but alive, like a home. The children, the veal, they stand very still because tenderness depends of how little the world touches you. To stay tender, the weight of your life cannot lean on your bones.”

“Sometimes being offered tenderness feels like the very proof that you've been ruined.”

— Ocean Vuong, On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous

“I know we’ve just met but I feel like maybe / you’d feed me and tuck me into your big bed / and only touch me as you covered me with the comforter.”

— Kim Addonizio, “Party”

“The body has no thoughts. The body soaks up love like a paper towel

and is still dry.”

— Kim Addonizio, “Body And Soul”

“I don’t know how God can bear / seeing everything at once: the falling bodies, the monuments and burnings, / the lovers pacing the floors of how many locked hearts.”

— Kim Addonizio, “The Numbers”

“I keep wishing for you, keep shutting up my eyes and looking toward the sky, asking with all my might for you, and yet you do not come. I thought of you, until the world grew rounder than it sometimes is, and I broke several dishes.”

— Emily Dickinson, from a letter to Minnie Holland

“The unknowness of my needs frightens me. I do not know how huge they are, or how high they are, I only know that they are not being met.”

— Jeanette Winterson, Oranges Are Not The Only Fruit

“I used to be a hopeless romantic. I am still a hopeless romantic. I used to believe that love was the highest value. I still believe that love is the highest value. I don’t expect to be happy. I don’t imagine that I will find love, whatever that means, or that if I do find it, it will make me happy. I don’t think of love as the answer or the solution. I think of love as a force of nature - as strong as the sun, as necessary, as impersonal, as gigantic, as impossible, as scorching as it is warming, as drought-making as it is life-giving. And when it burns out, the planet dies.”

“As for myself, I am splintered by great waves. I am coloured glass from a church window long since shattered. I find pieces of myself everywhere, and I cut myself handling them.”

— Jeanette Winterson, Lighthousekeeping

“I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED GENOCIDE TO STOP I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED AFFIRMATIVE ACTION AND REACTION I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED MUSIC OUT THE WINDOWS I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED NOBODY THIRST AND NOBODY NOBODY COLD I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED I WANTED JUSTICE UNDER MY NOSE”

— June Jordan, “Intifada Incantation: Poem 38 for b.b.L.”

“Maybe when I wake up in the middle of the night I should go downstairs dump the refrigerator contents on the floor and stand there in the middle of the spilled milk and the wasted butter spread beneath my dirty feet writing poems writing poems maybe I just need to love myself myself and anyway I’m working on it”

— June Jordan, “Free Flight”

“It’s not that I gave away my keys. / The problem is nobody wants to steal me or my / house.”

— June Jordan, “Onesided Dialog”

“What reconciles me to my own death more than anything else is the image of a place: a place where your bones and mine are buried, thrown, uncovered, together. They are strewn there pell-mell. One of your ribs leans against my skull. A metacarpal of my left hand lies inside your pelvis. (Against my broken ribs your breast like a flower.) The hundred bones of our feet are scattered like gravel. It is strange that this image of our proximity, concerning as it does mere phosphate of calcium, should bestow a sense of peace. Yet it does. With you I can imagine a place where to be phosphate of calcium is enough.”

— John Berger, And Our Faces, My Heart, Brief As Photos

“I wept and wept. I had come to believe that if I really wanted something badly enough, the very act of my wanting it was an assurance that I would not get it.”

— Audre Lorde, from “Zami: A New Spelling of my Name”

“You kiss the back of my legs and I want to cry. / Only the sun has come this close, only the sun.”

— Shauna Barbosa, “GPS”

“It has to be perfect. It has to be irreproachable in every way. (...) To make up for it. To make up for the fact that it’s me.”

— Suzanne Rivecca

“I hope it’s love. I’m trying really hard to make it love. I said no more severity. I said it severely and slept through all my appointments. I clawed my way into the light but the light is just as scary. I’d rather quit. I’d rather be sad.”

— Richard Siken, Self-Portrait Against Red Wallpaper

“We have not touched the stars, nor are we forgiven, which brings us back to the hero's shoulders and the gentleness that comes, not from the absence of violence, but despite the abundance of it.”

— Richard Siken, “Snow And Dirty Rain”

“Love, for you, / is larger than the usual romantic love. It's like a religion. It's / terrifying. No one / will ever want to sleep with you.”

— Richard Siken, “Litany In Which Certain Things Are Crossed Out”

“The hardest thing still remains. It remains the hardest, to bear all the tenderness and only to gaze on.”

— Ilse Achinger, “Mirrorstory”

“i killed a plant once because i gave it too much water. lord, i worry that love is violence.”

— José Olivarez, “Getting Ready to Say I Love You to My Dad, It Rains”

“Mother says there are locked rooms inside all women; kitchen of lust, bedroom of grief, bathroom of apathy. Sometimes the men - they come with keys, and sometimes, the men - they come with hammers.”

— Warsan Shire, “The House”

“I’ll take care of you. / It’s rotten work. / Not to me. Not if it’s you.”

— Euripides, Orestes, tr. Anne Carson

“We have this deep sadness between us and it spells so habitual I can’t tell it from love.”

— Anne Carson, The Beauty of the Husband

“There is no question I am someone starving. There is no question I am making this journey to find out what that appetite is.”

— Anne Carson, Plainwater: Essays

“I wish I could peel all my sadness in one long strip off my skin & toss it in a bucket. No one would have to carry it. It would just sit there & be punished. It would just sit there & think about everything it’s done.”

— Chen Chen, “Elegy For My Sadness”

“There is too much or not enough room in my stomach for everything we will do to each other.“

— Adriana Cloud, “Bento Body”

[teamxdark]

They say the pen is mightier than the sword...

My Dearest Arthur,

Today, as I was heading back to the castle, Galahad stopped me. He pointed out a bird, small and blue like the sky, drinking from a puddle on the ground. We both stopped, watching it as it drank its fill, stretched its wings, and flew away.

It made me think of you.

My love, you try so hard to be the best leader for us all. You do it without complaint, struggling with the problems of a populace, making the decisions that a lesser being wouldn't dare consider. I know how much this burden crushes you, but all the same, I cannot for the life of me think of anyone more worthy than you to hold such power.

I have heard the complaints of those who disagree with your choices. They throw about opinions without care for consequences. They know nothing of the thought you put into every decision you make, and every time I hear some scoundrel run their mouth about how they would do better than you, I feel the urge to silence them, with my words or my blade, I care not which.

The things you do to me, my love...

Yes, you are the most worthy king, of that, I am certain, but you are also the most deserving of the freedom you crave. I see it, Arthur. I see the way you stare out the window, into the sky, beyond the clouds, with such profound longing that I know and understand all too well. It is enough to make a man weep.

...I have wept, I must admit. For you, and over you. If I could grant you your freedom, I would do so in a heartbeat, even if it meant that you would be gone, leaving like that bird, flying away without a backwards glance and never looking back. My grief at your absence would only be assuaged by the knowledge that you are finally unburdened. That you are happy.

Sometimes, I like to imagine that you take me with you. I imagine your hand in mine, and your smile reaching your eyes, the portrait of joy that should never have left your face, and I follow you, just as I have vowed, to the ends of the earth and into the world beyond this life.

I know it is selfish. I know it is impossible. You, Arthur, are the most selfless man I know. I have seen you grow over many years, becoming more and more responsible with time and experience. It is I who has become selfish. It is I who indulges these fantasies of taking you away to bask in your brilliance that I can never get enough of. But you could never betray your people. You could never say yes to a premature freedom. You will not be king forever, and this we both know, and you are willing to wait for the end of your reign while I still imagine ripping you from this life without a care for those that remain behind.

My desires are inconsiderate, not just to you, but to everything you've worked for. To everyone who needs you. To those who need me, too.

I shall never be worthy of you, Arthur, but my heart shall never beat for anyone else in the way it does for you.

Forever yours,

Lancelot

...

Darling Arthur,

Do you remember when we were young? Do you remember when we were but boys, training until we were collapsed on the ground, day after day?

Do you remember the first time you called me 'Lance'?

I hated it back then. I warned you to never call me anything but 'Lancelot' again, for it was my name. It was the name my mother had given me, my mother who saved me and chose me before I even knew how to walk. My name was my link to her, an important part of my identity and my proof of being wanted.

I was, truly, a stupid child.

Now, I treasure the name you gave to me. I do not allow anyone else to use it. 'Lance' is the name you bestowed upon me, a name to signify our own link, our bond... one so close that it makes me dizzy with happiness when I remember just how much we mean to each other. I now hold that name close to my heart, next to my mother's 'Lancelot' and my son's 'Father'.

It pains me that I do not have such a name to give you, my love, save for the endearments in these letters that I shall never send. Yet I never miss how blissful you look when I call you by your given name. You appear unhappy by 'Your Majesty'. You appear troubled by 'my liege'. You appear vexed by 'Sire'.

And so, when I am able, I call you by your name. I call you my friend, so that you know that I love you and that you mean the world to me. You always have, even before my feelings shifted into what they are now.

I see you smile and it is as if I have been struck by lightning. I hear you laugh and I fear I might swoon. If I do even one thing to make you happy, I feel as though I am walking on air, and I wish to do it again, and again, and again, over and over, endless until you never know pain again.

Arthur, the way I feel for you consumes me, like a fire that will never go out. My feelings scorch me, leaving burns and scars that will never fully go away, hidden on the inside where you will never see them. You will never truly know just how deeply this arrow from Cupid's bow has pierced me... I dare say he's emptied his quiver on me, for the mere thought of life without you, without your smile, your warmth, your brilliance, your bravery, your understanding, without you and everything that you are...

I don't dare tell you about these newer feelings of mine. I know you, and I know you will not treat me any different if my particular type of love for you does not match that of yours for me, but my head is clouded by fear. I cannot stop imagining that you shall become uncomfortable in my presence, that you will hold me away at arm's length, that you will look for someone else to court in an attempt to help me move on... All the possibilities are so painful, Arthur. I would rather nothing changed, even though I know my fear is irrational. I should believe in our bond, trust in our friendship, rely on the knowledge that you would never push me away...

I am a coward, my love. To be called the Ultimate Knight feels like a joke, for I am so afraid that I cannot listen to the logic in my own head. My strength of body means nothing if my strength of mind is as fragile as glass.

Yet, even as I long for something different in my relationship with you, I cannot say that I am unhappy with what I do have with you. Perhaps this, too, is why I will not speak these words nor send these letters, for what I already have with you, such a close, personal friendship, is more than I can ask for.

You have always been enough for me, Arthur.

Eternally yours,

Lancelot

...

Glorious Arthur,

I must apologize. I must, for I fear my mind is spinning out of my own control.

Every day I think of you. Every morning when I wake up, every night as I go to sleep, in every spare moment of my life, you are in my waking thoughts.

You haunt my dreams, too. At all moments, it seems, my mind conspires against me. All I want is to be happy with what I have with you, but it appears my desires are only growing, not fading, with time, and they eat me alive with every passing day.

I imagine your forehead against mine, with your hands on my waist. You lift your head, kissing me once on each eyelid, and I feel weaker than I ever have in my life.

I imagine your hands, removing my armor so that they may rest upon me, touching my back, my shoulders, my chest, all areas that I keep guarded under steel and promises. You disarm me, and I allow it. My foolish heart wishes to be vulnerable before you, for I know I will always be able to trust you with myself.

I imagine the lightest touches on my arms, spreading like trails of fire as your fingers slide along my person, and I let myself be consumed.

I imagine your lips pressing to mine, and I lose the ability to breathe.

I imagine your eyes, looking into mine, glowing with care and love and happiness, and I drown without a second thought.

Sometimes I dream of things I dare not write down here, my sweet, for it makes my face burn and my heart race and all I want to do is apologize for thinking of you in such a way. It feels terrible, as though I am taking advantage of you in my thoughts, and I fear that one day you will discover the fantasies of my mind and feel discomfort or disgusted by me.

If I ever lost you, Arthur, I know my world would shatter, and I would never become whole again.

Apologetically yours,

Lancelot

...

Arthur,

I can't stand it. Today, I cannot stand it at all.

I feel desperate, like a caged animal. I feel my soul clawing at my body from within, needing to come out and indulge. My composure is in shambles, my mind is in disarray, and though you are not at fault, it is all because of you.

Arthur, I burn for you. My heart screams and cries out and it's painful. Every inch of me aches for the smallest touch, I long for the basest of acknowledgement from you, a look, a word, a smile, Chaos, anything! Just the thought of you giving me your attention sends me into a fit, and I know that even the brush of your arm against mine as you pass me in the corridor would be enough to bring me to ecstasy!

My head is pounding, my ears playing and replaying the sound of my name coming from your lips, and I crave it. I crave you, my love, and it has never been so powerful or so consuming before. I don't know what is wrong with me. I don't know why today is the day that I might go mad. I am afraid, Arthur. I am afraid that my need for you is pushing me to the brink of madness and that I will not be able to stop myself from jumping down into it.

Arthur, the love of my life, how can I even begin to fully describe this? I've written so much and yet it is only a crumb of what is flaring inside me. I think of you and I burn up. You are not an inferno, for that is a small candle compared to the one that burns inside me. You are nothing less than the sun in the sky, approaching me to incinerate me in an instant, but even that feels like a pale comparison today.

Arthur, I am deeply sorry, but I fear writing this is only making things worse. I must stop before I

...

My love,

My upcoming mission to Acorn Kingdom is fast approaching. Soon it will be time for me to depart. I hope that, when that day comes, you are not too busy to see me off.

I will miss you terribly while I am gone, but I take peace in knowing that I am doing this for Avalon, and for you. To make this world a better place, and for you to have one less thing to worry about.

It's pathetic, is it not? As a knight, I should be focusing on the best for my kingdom, as I vowed to when you first let Caliburn descend upon my shoulders and gave to me my title, and yet I know the truth.

It's for you, Arthur. It's always been for you.

...

In his study, the king shoves away the stack of letters, his face burning as a chorus of emotion swells within him, unable to take the guilt at having read so many of Lancelot's secret letters. His hands tremble as he searches around his desk for something to write with.

...

Dear Lancelot,

My wonderful Lancelot,

To Lance,

My dearest

Lance,

Please come see me when you have a moment to yourself. Do not be afraid.

Yours,

Arthur

[winterscaptain]

an unrivaled force of nature.

Aaron Hotchner x Gender Neutral Reader

a/n: thank you all for taking this ride with me. we’re almost finished, so tell me what you think, how you felt, how you are. i couldn’t do this without you.

an ajf fic arc that happily stands on its own! (the pieces stand alright on their own as well, for the most part!) one | two | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine | ten | eleven

words: 3.3k warnings: language, sad

summary: “give sorrow words; the grief that does not speak knits up the o’er wrought heart and bids it break.” - william shakespeare, macbeth. a eulogy, an offer, a return. 

masterlist | a joyful future masterlist | requests closed!

You brush some wayward snow off of Anderson’s coat as he puts his pallbearer gloves on, and one corner of his mouth tips up. “Thanks.”

“Mhmm.” 

You have to do something. Staying still and letting your restlessness eat at you right now is not an option. 

Will tacitly asks for your help with the little buttons on his pair of gloves, and you secure and smooth them over his wrists. When you’re done, he presses a kiss to your temple before taking his place on the curb. 

Derek is crisp and stone-faced, his gloves perfect as he prepares for Haley’s arrival. You cross to him, placing a hand on his shoulder and kissing his cheek. His eyes shut for a second, but otherwise, he doesn’t move. 

There’s a tug on the hem of your coat, and you find Jack standing before you. You kneel to his level and needlessly fuss with his collar. 

“Are you coming with us?”

You nod. “Yes, my love. I’ll be right there with you and Aunt Jess and Dad.”

He nods and grabs your hand. You keep his fingers tucked into your palm as you stand back up. Aaron’s a little ways off, speaking with the Father before the hearse arrives. You lead Jack to his side, and he absent-mindedly puts a hand on his son’s head. 

When you move to give them a little space, Jack holds you fast, so you settle for stepping just off Aaron’s shoulder. Jessica approaches you then, and you hug her with your free arm. 

“Thank you for being here,” she whispers. “I know it’s -” Her breath catches. “I know it’s hard.” 

You shake your head where it rests on her shoulder. “Anything for you, anything for her.” 

She leans back, and you catch Aaron’s final words as the hearse arrives. 

“...Thank you, Father. I appreciate it.” 

+++

You walk a little in front of Emily, behind Jessica and Aaron. Jack let you go and is walking steadily beside his father. You have no idea where Aaron’s head is, but all you can do is be there, on his six, just like you always are. 

The pallbearers set Haley into her place with a reverence that makes you dizzy. Or, maybe that was just the tears already pushing at your eyes or the fact that you couldn’t stomach breakfast. 

The Father starts to speak. Jack looks up at you where you stand behind Jessica, and reaches for you. Jess makes some space, and you settle in beside her. Your hand falls to Jack’s shoulder, and Jess tucks her hand into the crook of your arm. 

Sooner than you thought possible, Aaron leaves Jess’s other side and pulls his notes from his coat pocket. His hands shake. 

“W.S. Gilbert wrote, ‘It's love that makes the world go round.’ And if that's true, then the world spun a little faster with Haley in it.”

How does he always know what to say?

“...Haley was my best friend since we were in high school.”

You’ve thought about it before, and you know you’d think about it again, but the loss of a twenty-five-year friendship makes your heart ache. There’s part of you that wishes you could check out, let your mind drift as you stand in the December chill. 

But you can’t. You have to feel this. You need it. 

You can’t leave Aaron, Jess, Jack alone in this. 

“We certainly had our struggles, but if there's one thing we agreed on unconditionally, it was our love and commitment to our son Jack. Haley's love for Jack was joyous and fierce. That fierceness is why she isn't here today.” He takes a breath. “A mother's love is an unrivaled force of nature.”

He looks around and you meet his eyes. Your sole focus is your breath. He can see it in the cold air, and does his best to match it. It’s your eyes and the eyes of his son keeping him upright today. You nod, and he turns back to his notes. 

The whole exchange takes less than a second. 

“And we can all learn much from the way Haley lived her life.”

So so much. 

“Haley's death causes each of us to stop and take stock of our lives. To measure who we are and what we've become. I don't have all those answers for myself, but I know who Haley was. She was the woman who died protecting the child we brought into this world together. And I will make sure that Jack grows up knowing who his mother was and how she loved and protected him,” he swallows thickly, “and how much I loved her.”

Aaron loves like you’ve never seen before. He’s reserved, quiet about it, but somehow it’s also the most obvious thing about him. 

His love is deep and intense and all-consuming. 

You see it in the way he watches his son. 

You see it in the way he deftly guides victims to safety, making them feel safe on the worst day of their lives. 

You see it in the way he takes care of all of you on long days and longer cases, the way he tells you all to get some sleep. 

In short, you’ve never once doubted his love for Haley. 

You choke back a sob, and you can hear Jess do the same beside you. 

He collects himself again. “If Haley were with us today, she would ask us not to mourn her death but to celebrate her life. She would tell us -” His voice breaks along with your heart and he takes another breath. 

You can feel Dave shift beside you and you’re not sure what he’s going to do, but you reach for his sleeve, letting go of Jack for just a second. “Let him,” you whisper. He looks at you, nothing but concern in his eyes. You nod. “Let him.” 

Dave nods, and you return your hand to Jack’s shoulder. 

“She would tell us to love our families unconditionally.” Another crack in his voice, another in your heart. Your tears flow even faster now, your hand shaking where it rests on Jack. “And to hold them close, because in the end, they are all that matter.” 

You take stock of your own family. Derek stares straight ahead on the other side of Haley’s casket, but his eyes are misty. JJ is practically a puddle, her lashes wet and blue eyes oddly beautiful - the color brightened by her tears. Emily’s beside her, as is Will with Henry in his arms. 

Dave, Spencer, Penelope - all in shambles. 

Jessica.

Jack.

Aaron.

Haley. 

She’s your family too. You’ll love her for the rest of your life. You’ll love her son. You’ll love her Aaron. You’ll not only love them for yourself, for them, but for her. 

Aaron’s right. Family is all that matters. 

“I met Haley at the tryouts of our high school's production of The Pirates of Penzance. I found our copy of the play and was looking through it the other night, and I came upon a passage that seemed appropriate for this moment.” He settles himself again with another deep breath. You're proud of him - for breathing, for speaking, for being brave.

You knew there was no way to prepare, but it’s harder than you thought - standing here, listening to Aaron attempt to summarize all that Haley was, is, to him. 

Even harder still? Knowing that the last time you spoke to her, embraced her, laughed with her is already behind you. 

You look down and your tears fall into the grass. The story of how Haley and Aaron met is one of your favorites. Once, Haley snuck you into the garage and showed you the photos, making you swear that the knowledge will go to your grave. 

For you, Haley? Anything. I never need to breathe a word of seventeen-year-old Aaron in tights and a ridiculous hat. 

"Oh, dry the glistening tear that dews that martial cheek…”

That’ll be just for us. 

“...for, oh, they cannot bear to see their father weep."

+++

“No, not today.” You look across the table at JJ, who stands as her phone rings. “They can’t call us in.” 

“I’ll take care of it.” 

The next minute or two is tense while you wait for JJ to finish the call. She returns, and you know just by the look on her face you’re not going to like what she has to say. 

So, you preempt her. “Tell Strauss they need to send another team.” 

She shakes her head. “No other teams available.” 

“I’ll get Rossi,” Derek says with a sigh. There’s nothing you can do. He walks out onto the patio and exchanges a few words with Dave and Aaron. 

After a minute, Derek and Dave leave Aaron out on the patio. He turns, looking at all of you through the window for a moment before turning his back, resting his elbows against the stone balustrade. 

You gather your things, following Emily out into the main foyer, but you lose your breath along the way, your shoulders sinking and your eyes dropping to the floor. Will places a soft hand in the middle of your back. 

“You alrigh’?”

You shake your head, pulling a sharp inhale in an effort to keep your tears at bay, and he catches JJ’s wrist. She looks back for just a moment before reaching forward for Derek, tugging a little on his sleeve. 

Your acting unit chief turns around, a softness in his dark eyes. The rest of the team is staring at you. An overwhelming feeling of weakness, almost humiliation, falls over you. 

Why can they leave him and I can’t?

Derek heaves a sigh and says, “Five minutes,” gesturing with the tiniest dip of his chin. The rest of the team follows him out like a pack of well-trained ducklings. JJ’s hand runs down your arm as she passes, and Will presses a kiss to the side of your head. 

Sometimes, you think, Will is a better man than any of you deserve. 

You send him a silent thanks and turn on your heel, almost jogging out into the cool night air. It’s more than kind of Derek to release you for even a moment - he doesn’t have to, but you know the role is wearing on him. 

The more time you get with Hotch, he figures, the faster he can come back to work. 

Aaron hasn’t moved by the time you reach him. You breeze to his side, only slightly out of breath. His scotch sits untouched in front of him, but you can’t fault him for that. Today is not the kind of day that can be blunted by alcohol. 

You’re quiet for what feels like a long time, just sharing space with one another. 

“You should go,” he says. “The team needs you.” 

“I -” You cut yourself off, afraid of sharing too much. There’s so much you could say, so much you need to say. Both to him and to Haley. 

You miss her. Even when she was in WITSEC, there was the hope that one day she would be home, ready to greet you with a wide, crooked smile and, if you were lucky, a laugh. 

That hope is gone and with it, parts of your life you never thought you’d lose. 

Fuck it. Nothing you can say will be wrong. 

“I wanted to be with you for another minute before we left.” 

Aaron’s quiet, but his shoulders drop just the smallest amount. “Thank you.” 

You tip your head to the side, letting it rest on the edge of his shoulder. I wish we didn’t have to leave you. 

I know, his sigh says. It’s okay. 

Tears spring into your eyes again without prompting. It seems your heart has been breaking since Hotch’s voice first wavered in his eulogy. The grief radiating off him in waves only amplifies your own. 

There’s a thickness in his voice as he speaks again. “She really liked you, you know. She -” He clears his throat, a useless endeavor. “She loved you.”  

A little smile pulls at your lips and tears leave your eyes - just two - without your permission. “I know.” Quietly, you add, “I love her, too.” The past tense is too painful, so you keep her with you in the present. 

“She trusts you with Jack. Always has.” He huffs a humorless laugh. “Can’t even say that for myself.” 

There’s nothing you can say to that, but you shake your head. An inaudible, “Yes you can,” leaves you. You know he hears it - the little smile that pulls at the corner of his mouth tells you as much. 

Belatedly, you realize it’s probably been more than five minutes, but you can’t bring yourself to care. 

“Can I ask you for something?” 

You lean back, looking him in the eye. “Anything.” 

“Can you -” He stops, his lip quivering and tears pushing at his eyes. He swallows, his jaw tight, as he collects himself enough to speak without losing it. “Can you help me keep my promise?”

Your brow tugs in the middle. “Which one?”

“All of them,” he says. “I want Jack to know -” He can’t finish, but you watch him. He knows you understand. “I also promised to spend the rest of my life making up for…” He gestures vaguely. “...this.” 

You reach toward him, pressing a fervent kiss to his cheek before hooking your chin over his shoulder. You cling desperately to his coat, knowing if you hurt him, he’ll tell you. 

 He returns your embrace, locking his arms around your back. A whisper leaves you. “Of course.” Now that you’re pressed against him, you’re not sure if you’re shaking or he is, but you only hold him tighter to stem it. 

There are no other words exchanged between you as you pull away and meet his eyes. You needlessly smooth his collar. 

When you make your way to the door, you turn over your shoulder once more. He’s watching you. “See you when we get home.” 

He nods. Be safe. 

You offer him the smallest of smiles. Always. 

+++

It’s the middle of the night when your phone rings. You answer it before looking, your last name rough as it leaves your mouth. 

“It’s Hotch.” His voice is just more than a whisper, but of course, you’d know it anywhere. 

You sit up straight in bed, rubbing your eyes. “Are you okay? What’s wrong? Is Jack alright?”

There’s a sigh. “Nothing. I’m...fine. Jack’s asleep here with me, but I just…” He pauses. “I just needed to know you’re okay.” 

The tension leaves you as relief floods your system. “Yeah. I’m okay. We’re sleeping in shifts. I’m back on in,” you check the clock on the bedside table, “four hours.” 

“Ah,” he says. “I’ll let you sleep then.” 

You know he’s about to hang up, but you stop him. “Hotch, wait.” 

There’s silence on the other end of the phone, so you can only hope he’s listening. 

“If you want to stay on for a little while, I can’t promise I’ll stay up, but you don’t have to hang up.” 

A heavy exhale sounds in your ear. “Really?”

“Yeah.” You tuck yourself back into bed. “I can talk about nothing, if you want. I’m no Spencer, but I’ve picked up a few of his tricks.” 

“Alright,” he says with a quiet laugh. “I don't want to keep you up, but -” 

“Oh, please. Let someone take care of you for once, would you?”

There’s a huff followed by silence, so you take your cue. You tell him all about the drive out to the crime scene today - it was a gorgeous, winding road through the Tennessee mountains. There was plenty of snow and the air was crisp and cold. 

You skip over the case details, just describing the landscape as best you can. Your yawns come faster than your words after a while, and you figure it’s time to check in. 

“Hotch?”

There’s a little shuffle on the other end of the line, and a little hum. That’s good enough for you. 

“Goodnight, Aaron.”

Another hum. “Night, sweetheart,” he slurs. 

You know he’s barely conscious, but that doesn’t deter the adrenaline rush. You manage a, “Sleep well. I’ll text you in the morning,” before hanging up. You stare at the dark screen of your phone for a moment. The dark is the only thing there to hear your whisper. It listens. 

“I love you.”

+++

There’s another call in the late afternoon. You step out to take it. Derek hardly takes a second glance at you as he and the rest of the team continue working. 

“Aaron?”

“Hey,” he says. “Strauss just left.” 

Your brow crinkles. “What?”

“We did have a meeting scheduled, but she came to the house so I wouldn’t have to take Jack to the office or leave him here.” 

“That was...generous.” It was hard to find the word, but you got there eventually. 

He sighs. “Yeah, I thought so too.” 

“So, what’s up?” 

I know you’re not calling me without reason so just spit it out. 

“She offered me retirement. Full pension, full benefits.” 

Your heart drops and you try to hide the anxiety in your voice. You’re not sure it works. (From his end of the phone, it doesn’t.) “Are you going to take it?”

“That’s the thing -” 

You check the team on the other side of the window. Derek taps his watch, and you nod.

“- Jess offered to take Jack whenever I’m away. She wants to.” 

You’re speechless. You can’t say you’re surprised, knowing Jess as you do, but it's so big. She’s basically becoming a mother overnight. “Wow.” 

“Yeah.” 

“Aaron, I’m so sorry -”

“- Get back to the case. I just wanted to tell you because...I don’t know. I’m gonna sleep on it and then figure it out in the morning.” 

“That sounds like a good idea.” You check the time. “Kiss Jack goodnight for me, will you?”

“Of course. Good luck.” 

“Thanks.” You hang up, neither one of you stuck on pretenses of politeness anymore. You slip back into the room with an apologetic glance at Derek. 

Spencer looks back at you. Hotch? 

You wave him off. Later. 

+++

You're antsy to get off the plane, your knee bouncing, and your lip between your teeth. With Derek’s permission, you fly out of the office like a bat out of hell in the afternoon light, trying to make it before the sun sets. 

You know exactly where to find him. 

Parking the car, you step out and button your coat against the chill. He’s visible from here, on the bench, with his elbows resting on his knees and his head bowed. 

You don’t know this, but of course, he knows you’re coming. He’s not surprised when you sit beside him. He offers you a hand and you take it. 

“Have you told her, yet?”

There’s an almost-smile on his face, closer to something you recognize than anything the week prior. “Told her what?”

“That you’re coming back to us. That this team, this work, is who you are?”

His eyes are trained on the temporary marker as he replies. “You know I don’t have to tell her. She already knows.”

You look at him for a second, studying his profile. “I’m proud of you.” 

He looks at you, almost doubtful. 

With the smallest of smiles, you add, “She’s proud of you, too.” At another questioning glance: “She told me as much, last spring. She’s so proud of you, Aaron.” 

He nods with a deliberate slowness and turns his gaze back to Haley. He squeezes your hand. 

You squeeze back. 

+++

tagging: @arganfics @quillvine @stxrryspencer @agenthotchner @hurricanejjareau @ughitsbaby @rousethemouse @criminalsmarts @shrimpyblog @genevievedarcygranger @ssaic-jareau @good-heavens-chris-evans @davidrossi-ismydad @angelsbabey @writefasttalkevenfaster @venusbarnes @hotchsflower @ogmilkis @marvels-agents100 @hotchslatte @risenfox @mrs-dr-reid @captain-christopher-pike @dwellingsofrosie @pan-pride-12 @sunshine-em @word-scribbless @jdougl-love @sageellsworth05 @dreila03 @forgottenword @aaronhotchnerr @ssa-morgan @buckybau @sana-li @tegggeeee @abschaffer2 @ssacandice-ray @ellyhotchner @lotties-journey-abroad @mrs-joel-pimentel-23-25 @laneygthememequeen @violentvulgarvolatile  @mooneylupinblack @ssareidbby @violet-amxthyst @bwbatta @roses-and-grasses @lcvischmitt @capricorngf @missdowntonabbey @averyhotchner @mandylove1000 @cevanswhre @qvid-pro-qvo @jeor @spencers-hoodrat @infinity1321 @zizzlekwum @popped-weasels @evee87 @nuvoleincielo @this-broken-band-girl @reidtomestyles @hotch-meeeeeuppppp @winqhster @spencerelds @the-falling-in-the-danger @nattylite49 @crazyshannonigans @softbibxtch @iconicc

[cosmiclatte28]

Single (Jeno x you)

a/n : i may forgot how to write (?) anyways this is a jeno piece I work quickly today for @neopalette

hope this is entertaining enough and to all dream stans out there this is for you :D 

setting is all dream members considered to be in the same age as you. 

enjoy!!

People have been pestering you with the same question, “Why are you still single?”

Well you cannot really answer them and say, “I don’t know why don’t you date me?” As much as you want to shut them up with those words, you knew it’ll only turn awkward.

Well to be honest, you've been asking yourself that. It's not that you're unattractive or unsocial. You're the total opposite! Cute, caring, and fun.

You have friends or a group of school's princes as your hang out friends. It's just a lucky coincidence. You're the childhood best friend of Jeno and that guy’s really like your brother (despite the same age you share). He always brings you to his outings and you slowly develop a good friendship with the boys.

What irks other people is that the fact you're in a position every girl is willing to die for. Standing on the side of the class, leaning to the wall while laughing with a circle of the most popular guys in the school.

Now their question is, why are the boys so attached to you and why are you not dating anyone of them? Well, first you do want to date anyone of them. Literally anyone because you feel so chill and relax around them. They make you feel save too! But what is this? Friendzone? Maybe. Or “I see you as my sister.”

One day as you walk through the hall with one of the boys, Jeno, both of you overheard a group of girls talking.

“I know right, there's no way she is not leeching over them. Did she use some magic? She's so usual like us why do they choose her?”

“You're right its either she pays them, or she buys them with money. She came from a quiet decent family. No way she is not crushing anyone there. If she does not, she's crazy.”

You try to ignore them, but your heart is sad. No, you do not “buy" your friendship. They even treat you more than you did to them.

Jeno heard them and apparently, he was riled up and he went to the group of girls who looked shocked but tried to act normal.

“Excuse me pretty girls,” he nicely greets them with his smile and friendly composition. You close your eyes, knowing this will just give you trouble.

They look struck by Jeno’s close presence and melt into his charm. “I am here to remind you, what you’re doing is making false rumor and that is not good. It doesn’t suit you.”

Jeno forces a deadly smile and turns his heels back to you when the girls nod their head like they heard him clear. Their eyes found yours and you already gulp down the heavy lump in your throat when they send you a death glare.

“What are you doing?” you question Jeno once he returns to your side and starts walking as if nothing happens.

“Just reminding some girls what they’re doing is not good.” He shrugs his shoulder “You should speak up you know. You’re a great listener to us and what they said were wrong, so you should speak up.”

You nod “I know, it’s hard Jeno. I’ll let them think of me that way, besides you guys know my real side, why do I have to bother them.”

That actually makes a little bit of sense according to you and Jeno, but when you meet the gang during lunch break and Jeno told them what happened, well the boys cannot keep it low.

“I’m not going to help them anymore.” Renjun scoffs when he hears the story.

“You should really speak up (y/n)! You’re our amazing friend and we cannot let them think of you this way.” Jisung chimes in, which is something rare.

You smile and laugh “Thanks guys, but this doesn’t sound like you at all. I am the one getting judged, why are you the confused one? Besides what bothers me is not that, but something else.”

“And what exactly is that?” Haechan suddenly pops into the discussion. He surprised all of you, well earlier Mark and him were called for a help in the teacher’s room, and you guys were sitting on the backyard (a rare meeting place) so it’s a surprise they found you.

“I cannot tell you now. I promise I’ll tell you once I am ready.” You fiddle with your uniform skirt.

“Okay, we won’t push you.” Jeno smiles at you and you thank the others as the bell of the last quarter rang.

--

You spend the last quarter lost in your own mind. You keep on questioning yourself, is it true you look like that in other people’s eyes. Of course they do not know what happened between you and the boys behind their back.

You listened to every single problem they have, they share it to you through messages at the middle of the nights. Each slowly opening up to you, showing their vulnerable sides. You never judge them, instead you comfort them by staying with them. Just listening and being there for them. They like you because of that and you never share their secrets to the other. It started with Jisung opening up to you, then Chenle, then the harder shells to read like Jaemin Jeno and Renjun. Mark and Hyuck also lately come to you for sharing sessions.

You know people do not have to know that to clap and give you recognitions, you did this out of empathy and care. Plus they make a good gang to play and have fun with. Having a friendship bond with boys is less dramatic and more fun.

You push a smile back to hide your own emotion and luckily they bought it when you say “Let’s not bother or mind what others think about me. As long as you know the real me, I am glad with it.”

--

“You should stop acting like you’re fine.” Your longest best friend says when both of you have parted ways with the others and walk side by side on the empty road.

You look at Jeno and he doesn’t have his friendly smile on. His face looks serious.

“I am fine, but I could probably use a boyfriend card to take care of me and make me finer.” You joke around a little bit. Teasing the boys about you wanting a boyfriend is always fun.

They always say no but they never cross the line because they are afraid that being in a relationship with you may cut the nice friendship if things go wrong (break ups!)

“You’re still questioning that?” Jeno sighs, you’ve been talking about this to him. You always code him that you want to know what it’s like to be in a relationship, but Jeno just says “You’ll regret the drama”. He did date a few girls but finally settle on being single until he is ready for commitments. You, on the other hand, are single from birth. You always befriend boys to the point where they’re too comfortable with you to see you in a romantic way.

“Well I always wonder why and where did I do wrong.” You shrug your shoulder

“I want to be in a relationship! I want to know what it’s like to  have someone take care of me, or me taking care of them. I want short goodnight and good morning texts. I want to walk with them home and maybe grab some bite along the way while we discuss small things. Oh and I want to just you know sit together, listen to a music from a shared earphone and act like we’re the main characters of a movie!” you have stars in your eyes and as Jeno stares into the sky, he notices the beautiful sunset.

“You’re being single for too long. I tell you, that did not always happen.” He mocks your ridiculous idea and playfully ruffles your hair “You read too much fantasies.”

“I never read them.” You glare at him and he nods “Now that explains why you also sound so clueless about relationship. Look, it’s not as simple as saying I love yous and holding hands in public. There’s more and as much as I hate to tell you this… I have to.” He pauses and you stop walking.

You look at him. Waiting for Jeno to continue “Look, you don’t need a boyfriend right now. You’re taking care of so many people and that’s great, but that is time consuming already. If you have a boyfriend, then you will pay more attention to them and counting the time you spend taking care of us, will make you neglect your life and study and fail school. Which is something I do not want to happen.”

Your eyebrow raise “Conclusion?”

“You don’t need a boyfriend, or at least right now you should focus on taking care of yourself. You did a lot to us, let us take care of you in return.” Jeno whispers, and deep inside his heart he adds “or maybe let me take care of you in a way you always wish to get. You don’t know how much I love you and seeing you want a boyfriend only pains me. Will I be ready to lose you?”

“Fine. It’s not like I can buy one from a store.” You start walking again and Jeno follows you.

“Silly idea, ignore that okay.” You feel shy about saying that to him, what will Jeno think of you? A creepy freak.

NO. IN JENO’S HEAD YOU LOOK SUPER CUTE. WANTING TO HAVE A BOYFIE, EVEN GOING INTO THE DETAILS.

“Alright, this is it, good bye and good night (y/n)” Jeno waves as you enter your porch and open the door. You look to the house right next to yours, separated just by a wall. Yes he is your neighbor.

“Good night Jeno! Thank you for accompanying me.” You disappear behind the door and continue your lonely life.

“Hey Jaehyun hyung-“ you greet your brother who is amazingly already homed already at this time.

“Oh hey, dinner is on the table.” He juts his chin to the dining table and your eyes fall to the set of plates.

“You’ve eaten?” you ask while washing your hands, getting ready to change and eat.

He nods “Boss was awful today, I got home quickly and was hungry. Sorry I left you to eat by yourself.”

“Any news about mom?” you ask when you’re back on the table ready to eat.

Jaehyun still sits in front of the TV, looks like he is having a bad day and is afraid of lashing emotions to you, thus he avoids you.

“She’s probably with that man again. No news.” He sounds bitter. Well, after father left mom also left to find another man. You were left alone with your brother, who has to work hard for you and him.

“Help me with some clothes will you?” Jaehyun asks when you’re done cleaning up and washing the dish. “We need to deliver the laundries to the neighbors.” Jaehyun stands up from his seat and goes back to you with a packed fresh clothes.

You and your brother run a small laundry services for the neighbors here. Well, your family left both of you with the house and utilities inside them, one of which is a laundry machine and a dryer. So for additional income you and Jaehyun did laundries.

“It’s by the end of the road, can you please drop this tomorrow morning? I am taking the one on the other side.” He shows you which packages should go where and with that you leave to your room.

You’re glad your father still pays for your tuition, but you have to keep your scholarship going or you’ll be in trouble. Right as you finish studying and doing your papers, your phone vibrates and Jeno’s name appear.

“Good night (y/n), sweet dreams!”

You glance to the window and look into the window across yours, it’s Jeno’s room and you can see his silhouette sitting on his desk probably still gaming. You smile a little and text him back and the next thing you see is his room going dark. Oh he really is sleeping!

You set your alarm and also take the long awaited sleep you needed.

--

“Good morning (y/n) oh and Jaehyun hyung!” Jeno greets you and Jaehyun on the front of your house. Jaehyun’s locking the door and taking his bike to work.

“Morning Jeno.” You feel happier with this kind of small acts. It’s not new, but something about his smile and genuine happiness is making you energized.

“Don’t forget to drop the laundry.” Jaehyun said after hugging you goodbye.

You don’t forget. With Jeno on your side, you walk to the house on the edge and knock on their door to deliver the package and receive the money. It’s nothing big, but definitely enough to buy you lunch and safe some for the piggy bank.

“Still running the laundry business eh?” he looks surprised, guess you usually deliver them not in the morning or he’d known already.

“Yes, usually I send them near evening, but today is special. Imagine if the school finds out I am doing this, maybe they’ll stop saying I bought my friendship, right?” you try to liven up the mood but Jeno is in pain.

“Let’s just enjoy the day!” Jeno boldly hugs your shoulder from the side and drags you with him into the school.

“Woah what’s with the sudden closeness??” Jaemin interrogates once he saw you and Jeno entering the school in an uncommon way, which is Jeno bringing your bag and having you on his back.

“She fell on the way here, and I guess she has to check her ankles and clean her wound.” Jeno shuffles you up on  his back and you hide your face from the stares.

“Oh hurry then! I’ll help with the bags. Leave it here, Renjun can help me.” Jaemin takes over your stuffs and Jeno makes a run to the nurse office. There is still no one on duty, but he knows basic help.

He washes the blood carefully and puts disinfectant to your scrap, you almost kick him but his reflects are quick.

“I think your ankle is swelling. I am no professional but that is not normal.” He points to your ankle and right, its not.

“Do you want me to stay here? We can skip the first quarter and wait until you feel better. You fell hard earlier, did you black out?” Jeno sounds worried. Well he remembered how you suddenly wobble, lose balance and fell before Jeno could catch you.

“Forgot breakfast I guess.” You bite your lips and Jeno in a dash of an eye has fled from the room and return with a pack of milk and sandwich.

“Eat, or you’ll faint again.” He gently opens the wrapper for you and like his promise stays with you there.

“Want to listen to this?” he suddenly hands you one earphone piece and you pick it up carelessly. Not realizing that Jeno has been doing the things you wish to receive from a man.

“Nice song,” you comment as you focus with your left ear to the music playing. You don’t feel anything weird until break time comes and Renjun surprises both of you.

“Oh sorry for disturbing! I was just going to check on you but I guess I came in the wrong time.” He chuckles nervously and disappears before you can call him and say nothing is happening.

That’s when you lock eyes with Jeno, one piece of earphone connecting both of your ear and he was near to you. Oh now you understand.

“He thought we were in a moment?” you giggle

Jeno smiles, he loves seeing you this happy. He laughs too and brushes your hair away “This is it right? Something you want to experience. Getting taken care of, doing cheesy things like this.” He teases you

Realization hits you late and you laugh until a tear escapes your eye “You’re right! This… oh gosh! Jeno are you trying to let me feel this sensation?”

“What sensation?” his heart suddenly beats faster.

“Like I am treasured and getting taken care of? I feel loved??” you sound so happy and that makes Jeno both happy and sad. Happy to see your genuine laugh and sad why hasn’t he noticed this sooner.

“You deserve this (y/n), and I am stupid for not realizing this sooner.” He holds your hand and gives it a gentle squeeze.

You suddenly feel butterflies in your stomach, Jeno’s close body doesn’t help your heart beat slower and the music playing in your ear is no longer clear. You can only hear your heart beating faster and your eyes are only locked inside Jeno’s deep warm eyes. Why did you not notice this? His eyes are warm and comfortable. You never want to cut this moment.

“I’m going to break the rules, why don’t we try to step further like more than friends?” he turns red and you are sure your cheeks are also red.

“Guess we can try and see where it leads us to,” you sing song give him the green light.

“Okay then, from now on, don’t be surprised if I change into your dreamy boyfriend type.” He winks and you laugh. Life’s great and you’re happy whenever you are with Jeno.

Maybe you both did not realize that life brought you together for a long time not just to be friends but something more.

That something, is going to be decided when both of you are ready to find out!

For now, you’re glad that Jeno took the first step into getting to know you as more than friends, and you are more than ready to share what you’re dealing with to Jeno.

  end