#its also my birthday so you should definitely order her for my birthday

[fawnduu]

THE OLIVE PLUSHIE RETURNS!!!

She is back on makeship for 21 days only!

Now is your chance to grab your favorite transbian bat before shes gone for good.

ORDER HERE

[fuckyeahgoodomens]

Good Omens graphic novel update: August 2024

This time last year, the Kickstarter was in full swing, what a journey it’s been since then! Colleen is still working hard to complete the graphic novel and we have some incredible pages to share with you.

There have been many merchandise updates in the past few months and whilst a number of backers told us they loved these, others wanted to hear more directly about the graphic novel itself. So, for this month we will focus 100% on Colleen’s work, and how the various editions of the book are coming along. Everything is shaping up rather nicely, if we do say so ourselves!

You may have seen some of the sneak peeks Colleen has posted recently, such as this wonderful scene between our heroes:

And our favourite angel and demon on the road.

Collen has recently shared a rare view from her drawing board with us. "Working on pages 75 pages apart at the same time" she explains. The joy for us is that these pages arrive similarly out of order, so the graphic novel is unfurling like a magnificent jigsaw.

The reversible alternative covers by Rachael Stott and Frank Quitely are coming together beautifully. Different vibes, both ‘heavenly’ and we’re delighted to share them with you:

Moving inside. Here's an introduction to your introduction: our favourites include: Dog: Satanical hellhound and cat-worrier. Everyone should have one!

With the pencils mapping out the story almost completely in place, here are some samples from across the book – don’t worry we’re not giving too much away. It is always interesting to see these images come in, then watch them evolve over time

As we enter the latter stages of inking and colouring, we're also getting glorious new artwork by the bucketload. Colleen has been working diligently and it’s simply wonderful to see the story coming to life so vibrantly.

We shared this a few updates ago in its inked form. Now here it is in full glass-shattering colour.

A jaunty moustache and some 'definitely not-bad-news' being delivered in the middle of a birthday party.

A prior inked piece we shared before. Crowley venting his frustrations, oh so subtly.

And here's a closer look at some of the Horsemen in situ.

...of course you must also have some snippets of Aziraphale and Crowley having a fine time with books and wine.

And this rather lovely panel ends the previews of our main duo for this update.

But one final thing before we leave our heroes for this month... feast your eyes on this absolutely gorgeous celestial piece.

And now to the admin.

If you have a query, please check the Good Omens graphic novel FAQ page at terrypratchett.com. Some key recurring questions:

The Good Omens graphic novel was listed to publish in July 2024 - why have I not received it? We shared an update on April 16th 2024 introducing the new timeline and full context on why dates had to be moved. You can read that here. We appreciate that some didn't catch the timeline update and had been expecting items to arrive across July and August - the graphic novel and surrounding items are due to arrive in Spring 2025 to align with the new publication date. Thank you for your patience. We promise that it will be worth the wait!  

I've been in touch with a query about my pledge but have not heard back - what should I do? We have been dealing with a significantly increased number of messages recently and our team are working through them as best we can. If you have messaged over a week ago and are yet to hear back, please get in touch again, either via the message thread on Kickstarter or your previous email chain. Rest assured, we are reading and working through all messages as quickly as we can and appreciate your patience.

If your question is not answered in the FAQ, please don't hesitate to contact us and we can get back to you as soon as possible.

Events

We announced in our June update that Crowley's S2 Bentley would be appearing at ACME Comic Con in Glasgow. Unfortunately, our team will no longer be attending, so the Bentley will not appear at this event. We wanted to let you know as soon as possible in case you have booked tickets expressly to see it, or to meet the Good Omens HQ team. Maggie Service is also no longer attending the event, however Quelin Sepulveda, our beloved Muriel, is still appearing on the Saturday, and there are many filming locations around the central belt of Scotland if you are visiting, so you can still make your trip a little more ineffable. We apologise for any disruption to your plans.

Colleen has also had to cancel her appearance at the upcoming DragonCon, as she explains here.

[writing-relatedactivities]

A Very Ask A Manager Thanksgiving

So I love advice blogs (I maintain that comment sections on advice blogs are the best free tool for writers to explore different viewpoints, which really enriches your characterization), and for a few years now, I have had this idea that I want to do a do an Ask A Manager themed dinner, purely to delight myself. Meant to do it as a cookout this summer, but timing never worked out, so I broached the idea of doing it for Thanksgiving. My partner, who is also a nerd and therefore very supportive of my advice blog love even though it is not one of their interests, was down, with their only condition being that I should still make my cider bread with maple butter.

The menu:

Appetizers

Chips with:

Guacamole in honor of Guacamole Bob, of "ordering extra guacamole is wasteful of member dues” fame. (This being on the menu may also have been a factor in Partner being willing to have our holiday take on an Ask A Manager theme, as I once took a community education course on grilling that taught me nothing about its ostensible subject matter but did teach me to make a bomb-ass guacamole. The secret is that your first step should be to pulverize an entire head of garlic into a paste in your mocajete.)

Three store bought salsas, where the trick is to "fold" the salsa to get the best flavor

A bottle of hot sauce so we can get fired after a coworker steals our spicy food

Main Course

"Duck club" sandwiches in honor of the secret office sex club where you get points for sex in different locations, and quacking is involved. (These were very decadent and if anyone's interested in a great duck recipe, I used the Duck with Lemon recipe from A Feast of Ice and Fire.)

Sides

Cheap-ass rolls that I definitely deliberately brought to upstage you, yes you, the person who signed up to bring Hawaiian rolls! It's definitely not an overreaction on your part to declare that "they can all take Santa and stick it up their ass!" You're definitely not getting fired for being wildly hostile! (These are actually homemade rolls, but I weighed "buy actually cheap rolls and be done" or "spend a couple hours adapting a corgi butt roll recipe to a human butt roll," and chose in favor of the pun.)

Dessert

Bribery cupcakes, from that time a letter writer brought some cupcakes over to chat with her neighbor, the son of the Chief of Police, about a disruptive noise issue in her workplace and some commenters decided this constituted bribing a public servant. (The recipe is in the comments on that link; I made the carrot cake version. However, I realized halfway through that I was somehow low on vanilla despite obsessively buying fancy vanilla extract every time I am in a spice shop, along with a bunch of other things I don't need because buying cool spices makes me feel like a wizard. Anyway, half of these had vanilla in the filling/icing, and the other half had cardamom extract.)

A birthday cake that somehow crosses boundaries by...being too fancy? Being paid for a staff person? Not involving the wife in the planning? Anyway, the real answer to the letter writer's question is, "Eh, I don't think it's a big deal" because different offices have different norms around birthdays and it's whatever, but sometimes a low-stakes office norms question hits just right and you get 630 comments of people debating The One True Way to Do Office Birthdays, and whether or not buying a cake means you're angling for an affair. (Okay, not all the comments are about that particular letter. Anyway, I picked up this fancy-ass cake at Marc Heu Patisserie, and appropriately enough, the guy ahead of me in line was picking up a cake for his boss.)

And of course, what Ask A Manager column would be complete without chocolate teapots?

Beverages

Mudslides, because "girls love chocolate." And magic tricks. And being played "You're So Vain" on the piano with a mournful stare. Partner and I are both notorious lightweights but I had been snacking all day as I cooked so I was mostly immune. Partner took one sip of this drink and immediately began loudly telling me how their one colleague doesn't sing enough to his Pre-K students, and "this classroom will do anything if you sing to them!" After dinner, they lay down on the floor and sang the Slippery Fish song.

The full spread:

[vacantgodling]

a guide to: hyacinthus shrapnel

thank you to anyone who's expressed interest in my favorite asshole man--at some point i'll do this for more ocs, but i am not immune to favoritism. gently tagging those who i think would wanna see this:

@henrike-does-writing-sometimes @outpost51 @void-botanist @jezifster @mjjune @sergeantnarwhalwrites @ink-flavored @astral-runic @calicohyde @kk7-rbs @foxys-fantasy-tales @inadequatecowboy @sarahlizziewrites @multi-lefaiye

transposed under the cut!

SLIDE 1: A GUIDE TO HYACINTHUS SHRAPNEL -- the meanest, prettiest, and most emotionally constipated man ever. by @vacantgodling, yours truly

SLIDE 2: BASIC INFORMATION pt. 1

FULL NAME: HYACINTHUS SHRAPNEL (nicknames: HYA (by amon), CINTHY (by aloe, lovingly, and tagetes, degradingly), CINTH (by narci))

AGE: 31

BIRTHDAY: he hates talking about his birthday, so you won’t get the exact date. just know that it falls during the galerian form of “christmas” which is the two weeks of may 12th — may 24th. its somewhere in there :)

GENDER: TROIBEMME (HE/HIM PRONOUNS ONLY)

the galerian equivalent to our nonbinary; an entirely separate gender denomination that blurs the line between masculine and feminine; encompassing everything inbetween, nothing at all, or outside of a binary frame altogether. its considered a ‘third gender’ by the galerian people, and has been observed in galerian history for centuries. old galerian even features multiple pronoun sets, but they have been lost in the modern age. nowadays, those who present as troibemme usually use “they” “he” or “she” but this does not negate their troibemme status. gender =/= pronouns etc.

SOCIAL STATUS: WIFE OF THE KEEPER OF CHATEAU AUX AISLES D’OR

husband and wife refer to the specific social hierarchy in galere. “wife” and “husband” respectively refer to the role of being a breadwinner and connection maker (husband) versus the manager of the house and finances (wife). wives do occasionally lead the way in organizing at home balls. child rearing (in upper society) is usually left to maids and nanny’s—not a responsibility of either parent. traditionalists believe wives should take on this task as children are part of the “home”, but in actual valerian society children are usually pawned off. all of the gunn clan, sans aloe (as he is part of the clergy) are wives.

SLIDE 3: THE GUNN FAMILY TREE

a family tree that showcases the main gunn family tree. lonicera gunn and clematis gunn are crossed out because they are deceased. they were wed first and had 3 children, tagetes gunn de beneaux (40, they/them), iberis winch (36, he/him) and narcissus spokes (33, she/her). while it is not indicated by the chart, clematis had a relationship with moxie shrapnel in lonicera's twilight years, giving birth to hyacinthus shrapnel (31, he/him) and his name is in bold lettering. then, clematis finally married belladonna anvil (who hyphenated her name to anvil-gunn) and had 2 children, lavendula caldern (28, she/her) and aloe anvil-gunn (24, he/him).

SLIDE 4: BASIC INFORMATION PT. 2

SOCIAL STATUS: aside from a wife, hya is also a BASTARD. this is not a well kept secret.

bastards, as per the definition, are illegitimate heirs. hyacinthus is the 4th child of the dodgy businessman, CLEMATIS GUNN, who had an affair with a prostitute, MOXIE SHRAPNEL (where hya gets his surname), during his first wife’s decline in health. 

bastards have no claim to family fortunes, so when clematis passed, hya would’ve been shit out of luck if he wasn’t essentially adopted by tagetes. hya has also never met his mother to his own knowledge as she fled the situation when clematis started getting more abusive.

in order to marry the keeper, tagetes had birth certificates forged. whether or not the keeper knows of this deceit is questionable; but the large dowry tagetes paid to facilitate the marriage has seemed to placate them enough not to question it.

MISC LIKES: coffee (misted ivory geisha is his favorite in universe blend—its imported from the northeast country i have yet to name), fashion (dresses, shoulder pads, and embroidery are his favorite things), gold & white (for jewelry, dress, and aesthetically), MONEY (he’s extremely materialistic), reading & literature (he’s very critical however—in a modern au he would probably be a pretty well renowned critic).

in general however, hya is easily annoyed.

SLIDE 5: what annoys hya, you may ask? FUCKING EVERYTHING. thank you for being polite because he's not :D

SLIDE 6: GENERAL APPEARANCE

HEIGHT: 5’11” (~180cm)

EYE COLOR: dark brown

HAIR COLOR: black, with hime bangs (square bangs in the front with short, square cut side bangs that frame the face and chin), and long hair that reaches to his mid back.

BUILD: broad, girthy👀, and imposing. when he finds time to work out is a mystery to most, but his physique shows he clearly does.

there are 2 photos of hyacinthus to display his looks; a broad shouldered, dark brown skinned man with fox-shaped and narrow eyes, multiple piercings (nose, ears, and lip), and two beauty marks under his left eye. he is wearing an intricate white and gold outfit in the picture on the right. in the one on the left he is wearing an intricate white and gold choker. there are 2 thought bubbles over each. one says "RBF STRONG AF". the other says "even though hya is so well manicured he hates showers bc #childhoodtrauma. he does take baths though!"

SLIDE 7: everything on hya glitters like gold -> here’s a map of hya’s piercings and notable features

the picture shows various arrows pointing to hyacinthus (who has his mouth open to reveal that his canine teeth on his upper row of teeth have been replaced by sharp, solid gold). they point to his beauty marks, canines, and various piercings.

SLIDE 8: IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIPS

as an aside, hya didn’t have friends growing up because he literally wasn’t allowed to leave the estate his father trapped him in until he was 19… and that was bc his dad died and tagetes ‘adopted’ him.

TAGETES ⟶ despite the fact that tagetes basically raised hya, the two of them hardly see eye to eye. tagetes views, treats, and exploits hya (as they do everyone) as a means to their end goals—though what those goals are is anyone’s guess. hya doesn’t trust tagetes as far as he could throw them. yet, at the same time, they have a strange sense of obligation and “care” (if it can be called that) towards one another. tagetes was definitely the main influence into why hya is Like That.

ALOE ⟶ since aloe turned 10 and learned that he had an older brother whom he hadn’t met yet, he began to try and write letters getting to know hya. despite being generally brash, crass, and a pain in the ass, hya really cherishes aloe’s letters and companionship, and they actually meet for the first time in person during the events of paramour. 

AMON ⟶ y’all knew it was coming. i feel like i don’t even have to explain this one they are obsessed with each other in the most toxic of ways lmao. amon infuriates hya down to a molecular level, yet he is also the only man—only person—hya has ever been attracted to. (and he will not EVER admit that)

SLIDE 9: HIS OPINIONS ON...

… Narcissus ⟶ she annoys him and he can’t understand why she’s so obsessed with trying to ‘fit in’ with other people. also he wished she wouldn’t try to talk his ear off every time she saw him.

… Iberis ⟶ he literally doesn’t have one. the two of them avoid each other like the plague.

… Lavendula ⟶ avoids her like the plague if he can help it, but she actually looks up to him in a way, especially based on the things aloe has told her about him. they aren’t close and don’t really speak until her book but that’s a whole other thing.

… Clematis ⟶ #daddyissues. hates the man’s guts and is glad he’s dead.

… Lonicera ⟶ she died before he was born, but even if she lived, he would’ve never met her regardless. no opinion.

… Moxie ⟶ he’s never met his mother to his knowledge, so he has no opinion of her. she loves him very much and there’s more to that story that we won’t hear about until empire (tagetes’s book)

… Belladonna ⟶ the loathing is mutual

… Erecia ⟶ he doesn’t gain an opinion of her until lavendula’s book, and even then it’s mostly just “that’s amon’s friend” territory

… Viola, Barbatus, & Rumex ⟶ he’s not good with kids so he tries not to interact if he can avoid it

… Helianthus ⟶ finds him EXTREMELY obnoxious

… Terian ⟶ no opinion, they’ve never met.

… Miss Shanin ⟶ she’s always in his way and he’s generally annoyed by and suspicious of her

… Vira, Tamhas, Asahel ⟶ no opinion at all. they’re just servants.

… The Keeper & The Bishop ⟶ finds them genuinely disturbing. distrusts them HEAVILY.

SLIDE 10: ASSOCIATIONS

alcoholic drink: white russian

food: steak bechamel

colors: white & gold

flower: yellow hyacinths

animal: leopard

zodiac: taurus

tarot: six of swords

song: lyin’ to myself — todrick hall

[cerise-on-top]

Hiiiii how have you been love bug? (Please tell me if your uncomfortable with that term since you are non-binary and they/them I’m not sure what nicknames you are uncomfortable with it’s just what I call my friends and just a nickname I have for people in general🫶🏻🫶🏻 ) so I’d like to to request farah with a adhd reader who is hyper forgetful and sometimes has meltdowns ( as someone with adhd)🧡🧡🧡

Hey! I'm fine! Bought some more yarn for my leftover blanket today, which I'm excited to work on! And don't worry, I think love bug is really cute! I don't mind most nicknames, but thank you for being considerate, I really do appreciate it! Hope you're doing well as well ^^

I don't have ADHD, so I don't know at all what it's like for someone with it! I had to do some research on it, so I don't know if these are actually viable methods of helping, but I tried! Please do correct me with something that might help and I'll add it in this post afterwards! I hope this is enjoyable to you regardless! Thank you for the request!

Farah with a Reader with ADHD

Farah doesn’t particularly know a lot about mental illnesses. She may be traumatized, yes, but that doesn’t mean she ever had the time to research any of them. So she’s definitely not the best person to go to when it comes to things like these, but she tries, even if she can’t always understand everything that’s going on. You’re suffering, and that’s enough for her to know she should do something to help you.

You being this forgetful may be a cause of concern for her, though. It’s not every day she meets someone who forgot what they did five minutes prior. It’s especially concerning when it’s something important, though, like seeing a doctor. Although she may be worried for you potentially developing something as severe as dementia eventually, she’ll try to push her worries aside and help you to the best of her abilities. If you ever need reminders, she can help you. Farah remembers and retains things very well, she’s never had any issues with it since she had to in order to get by. If you need to remember something, she’ll remind you a few times a day. You have an appointment? Don’t forget about it tomorrow, I’ll tell you again then. However, she’s also a big fan of post its and will write down whatever it is you may need and place it somewhere she knows you’re going to see it. I know, out of sight, out of mind, but she’ll also text you and have you make reminders on your phone for important things so you don’t forget. Won’t get mad at you for forgetting your anniversary, she can see that it’s hard for you to remember things and won’t yell at you or anything either. However, she will mention that it was your anniversary, or maybe her birthday. For the most part she just wants to spend those days with you, if she can, and will thus remind you. Again, you don’t need to feel ashamed for forgetting, she’ll tell you that it’s quite alright and that you shouldn’t worry. She’s patient like that.

If you have a meltdown in front of her, she definitely would not know what to do at first. Depending on what kind of meltdown it is, she’ll react differently. If it creeps up on you, slowly making you irritated, then she’ll ask you what’s wrong. Regardless of your answer, she’ll ask you how she can help you, if you would like to be left alone or if you would like to take a small break in any way. She gets it and she’ll get you away from whatever is stressing you out so you can slowly recharge. If you really do want to be left alone for a while, she will comply, but will knock on your door to check up on you every once in a while and will bring you some food as well. Farah just wants you to be well, so she’ll take care of you how she thinks might help. Food is always good, food usually helps her, so she hopes it’ll do the same for you as well.

If it’s a sudden meltdown where you don’t know where left and right are anymore, then she’ll get you away from everyone else at first. While she can’t imagine what it’s like for you, it likely isn’t very pleasant for you to be crying and screaming in front of other people. Hoping that you trust her, she’ll try to ground you, asking you how you’re feeling, what you’re feeling and how she could help you. What happened is also another question she would ask you. Again, she won’t really know what to do on her own, but she tries her best. Farah will talk to you in a soothing tone and try to distract you at first so you can calm down a bit. Whether it be cracking a joke or asking you about your top five favorite reptiles. Even if you can’t answer her properly, she’ll just reassure you that it’s okay, that everything is just bad in this moment and that it’ll pass. She’s with you this entire time and won’t leave you unless you want her to. Asks you to breathe a bit with her. In all your time being together, she’s likely learned a breathing technique or two that might help you.

Once your meltdown is over, she’ll be very gentle with you, especially if she can see you’re beating yourself up over it. You really shouldn’t feel ashamed for something that you can’t help, it’s not your fault. If you feel especially down, she’ll give you a kiss on the forehead and get some ice cream with you. Something like a meltdown seems exhausting to her. While she doesn’t want to seem like she’s rewarding you for having a meltdown, she does want you to be kind to yourself afterwards, that’s what the ice cream is for. And if you don’t want ice cream, then some berries, fruits or a small snack will suffice as well. Either way, she’s there for you the entire time until you feel better.

[ploffskinpluffskin]

Title: Your Cousin Six Times Removed, Who Lives in the Silvervine Kingdom Rating: G Characters: Natori, Natoru, with glimpses and mentions of Louise, the Cat King, and Persephone. If you squint, you'll see Lune, too Ships: Persephone/Cat King by obligation, with a kind of Assumed Persephone/Louise in the background and one dirty joke regarding Natori and the king Summary: No cat in their right mind would pretend to be a royal if not for some less-than-noble purposes. Notes: Written for this year’s birthday bash for the prompt Long Lost Relative. I’ve written on this idea before, I’m pretty sure, or if not, I’ve definitely posted headcanons related to it, just because I’m so enamored with the idea of past shenanigans between the Cat King, Persephone, Louise, and Natori. This is just a short snippet of those ideas but I hope it’s at least a little enjoyable nonetheless. I'd love to write companion pieces for interactions between the other characters ....also I effed up, bc per headcanons Natoru should not be around at this time but I'm throwing my hands up in the air about that and going along with it

“What are you looking for, sir?”

To himself, Natori thinks distantly that Natoru sounds gratingly more chipper than what is appropriate for the situation, but, then, she almost always radiates an enviable air of absent equinimity. Even the times he has stumbled across her lording her ostensible authority over the servants has seen her remain relatively affable. However, here, now, when he is just about hip-deep in dust, cobwebs, and old records, he has precious little of his usual patience for it.

“I thought there was a detailed account of the royal lineage stashed away in here somewhere,” he responds, and as he does so suddenly realizes this old, notoriously congested storage closet should have been the very last place he’d kept the thing. He flips over a curiously modern file folder in order to read the label, spies the large spider he has disturbed by doing so clinging to the back of it, and swiftly flips it back over again, gingerly putting it back in its place with the strictly controlled poise he’s known for. Albeit stretched over a brimming pool of anxiety just yearning to spill over.

Such an old document wouldn’t have been stored in a place like that, anyway, he reassures himself.

“Oh, that old thing.”

Natori sighs. “Yes, that old thing.”

“Probably should have kept it in a more orderly place.”

Natori’s sigh this time has more than a touch of exasperation; granted, with some directed at himself for having no other response to vent his frustration than to sigh a little harder.

“I am already aware.”

Then, silence aside from the rustling of the older of the two rifling through what looks to be a series of much earlier childhood drawings made by one charcoal-colored prince and slowing rather noticeably.

The guest had arrived just recently, bereft of an entourage or any other expected accoutrements befitting a cat of her supposed status. In fact, she had all but crashed through the stained glass ceiling of the ballroom like a furry comet, unfurling from her protective huddle and shaking off the colorful shards of broken glass before noticing she had a captive, horrified audience.

It was then, and only then, Natori was too happy to remind everyone, that she had bowed and introduced herself as the Countess Affenpinscher, distant and thrice-removed but most assuredly illustrious cousin of a well-off aunt. She offered no explanation for the mysterious spectacle of her arrival, even as slivers of colored glass upon her shoulders made the burgundy of her dress sparkle.

When Natori had shrewdly remarked he'd never heard of such a relative, she had laughed and waved it off— oh, we're a private bunch, lovely, I'm not surprised— and when she'd started to falter upon naming the kingdom she supposedly hailed from, and Natori had felt they were all on the verge of revealing her opaque secret, the king had spoken up obliviously instead, one paw curled against his cheek as he lounged contently on his throne.

I think it's gotta be the Silvervine Kingdom, babe, he'd claimed with a familiar charmed sparkle in his eyes. She's got that sphinx-y luster.

The Countess Affenpinscher had smiled winsomely upon him, a slow expression which spread across her face in a fashion that had read as uncomfortably knowing, indulgent, to the royal advisor.

Clever man, Your Majesty. It's a rare cat who can see us for the royalty we are. Perhaps you have some of that shimmering sphinx lineage yourself.

And that had settled it really. The king would hear no words to the contrary, and neither, to Natori’s confused dismay, would the Queen Persephone, smiling from behind her fan with an almost sheepish amusement which he couldn’t quite parse. But there was still one cat in the king’s court she’d yet to win over, and he was currently adjusting his glasses and squinting upon what he was starting to suspect was an unsavory doodle on an ancient manuscript, and with such intensity he might very well set it ablaze.

“I think you’re worrying over nothing,” Natoru says after a long moment of that silence.

"It may very well be nothing," Natori starts in that loud but measured tone of voice that tells her he's winding himself up for a lecture. "And she may very well mean entirely no harm to the kingdom, but it's quite conspicuous all the same and is due at least some vigilance! She must have an end goal of some sort. No one pretends to be a royal just for fun."

"The king does." Spoken with a hapless shrug and a content smile, as if she isn't exquisitely aware of the magnitude of what she's just said, but Natori most certainly is.

"...Sometimes I think you delight in being thrown out the window," he finally manages in slumped resignation after nearly a full minute of opening and closing his mouth, lost on how to respond. There’s almost a sense of pity in the way he looks at her.

"Sometimes it does liven things up a bit," Natoru answers, unbothered.

"Well! I'll not entertain your bad behavior and join you for the inevitable consequences. If I'm to be taught how to fly, I refuse to do so under an instructor utilizing sink-or-swim methods."

“You’d definitely be under him.”

Natori gleans the meaning behind her facetious comment much faster than she planned for, and retribution is regrettably swift. She doesn’t have time to dodge the rolled up sheaf of papers he’d been straightening that comes down on her head, and the suddenness of it has her head spinning a little, despite the lack of sincere enmity in Natori’s reprisal.

“Oh. I forgot you don’t appreciate good humor,” she laments with a wounded, haughty sniff.

For his part, she does catch him looking upon her with a strange kind of expression, though he soon after carries on as if nothing had happened.

“Natoru,” he begins with a great sigh, exasperated but soft, lacking the usual sharpness he employs when he is in the mood to reprove,“I do not see the humor in being characterized as an unscrupulous homewrecker, no. No doubt one day you’ll engage in some manner of mummery that manages to amuse me, but as of this present moment I’m afraid it has me quite weary.”

“Oh, that’s not ‘cause of my bad jokes, it’s because you’re always suffering twice.”

“...what?”

She pats his arm. "You worry too much, sir."

Natori doesn’t answer for a long moment, but then, after a noncommittal noise of absent disgruntlement, he murmurs, "So I've been told."

“Well, I’ll leave you to it, then. Good luck.”

To that, he doesn’t respond at all, absorbed once again in a different stack of papers and scrolls, and she takes her leave. It's really a shame he's so distracted with finding the record. Otherwise, he might have seen the conspicuously modern file folder he'd disregarded earlier tucked under her arm as she departs.

[monsieuroverlord]

BECAUSE I'M STILL UPSET BY RECENT EVENTS...

Warning: my convoluted conspiracy theories and ranting lol

We're only on part one of the Sabretooth War arc, and while I'm deeply unhappy with how that issue turned out, there's technically still plenty of time to introduce a twist that fixes everything (or at least provides a glimmer of solace from that clusterfuckery.)

I've thought on it, slept on it, and came up with a few theories that COULD dampen the blow of last issue.

In no particular order:

Twist Option 1: It's a fake-out and Akihiro is technically not dead. How, you may ask?

The Sabretooth crew's first target was Quentin Quire -- who is supposedly an omega-level telepath. Now, Logan's got telepathic resistance, but he's never been completely immune.

We also saw the Sabretoothes (Sabreteeth?) use a device to knock out Sage and Black Tom, one that distinctly has Quire's Pink Power Signature:

They haven't explained exactly WHAT this device is, but it wouldn't surprise me if they took Quire's brain and made a telepathic brain scrambler device. (wouldn't be the first time Marvel did something similar AND we don't see Quire's head in the final page). Creed's a savage, but also a clever bastard. He wouldn't be opposed to strats like that.

Who knows what that device is? Maybe its some bullshit like "projecting Logan's fears" and that's what he THINKS happened.

Though in this case, it is likely that Akihiro WAS at least captured and greatly injured (but still has his healing factor and is alive). Perhaps will come up later when Creed feels like fucking with Logan some more. (Cue badass sibling rescue mission when Laura finds out)

Not great, but perfectly in character for an extra-savage Sabretooth to draw out the Logan Birthday Bash. (And I'm sorry, but at the barest of minimums, Akihiro wouldn't go down that easy -- he's younger, faster, and much more conniving than his father. Logan has significant training, but he tends to drop it in favor of charging headfirst every time. Aki's always been more disciplined than that. Same with Laura, but that's another rant.)

Now this means Quire is definitely dead, but he also has a bunch of body doubles from X-Force, and he recently self-resurrected after that Cerebrax thing and a back-up body. If a character was going to self-resurrect, it'd be him. (Not to mention, if Betsy Braddock can restore her entire body via telepathy/telekinetics, he should be able to as well)

Twist Option 2: Akihiro IS dead, but there is a secret back-up resurrection (maybe limited use or something)

In the description-preview thing of X-Force #49, they're indicating they're gonna bring back Avengers-era Beast to take down current Beast. Now maybe they just happen to find a Beast clone to upload it to, but there's gotta be at least the groundwork for secret cloning somewhere (I mean, he cloned Wolverine too, so I don't see why not). Avengers-era Beast and Sage (Or just Sage alone honestly) could figure it out.

Then we just need a back-up database of Cerebro to upload memories and all is well. (I'm pretty sure X-Force already had a complete secret back-up database, or if not in canon yet, I wouldn't be surprised if it turns out they did.).

Twist Option 3: Whatever is going on in ROTPOX comes to at least a partial fruition.

Either Xavier somehow succeeds (I don't think that'll be the case, tbh) and Krakoa is no more but everyone killed is reset or there's some partial success that resets Krakoa and resurrection can resume.

Either way, it'll reset the progress Akihiro and Logan have made and bleh.

(This would be such a fucking cop-out, in my opinion, but I digress)

Twist Option 4: Secret Weapon From the Exiles Crew.

Now called The Maroons, Nekra and crew still have that weird Krakoa seed. We don't know what it does yet. Implied to be really bad for Sabretooth, but maybe it also has secret powers like "restoring life to Creed's recent kills via draining his corpse" or some bullshit.

idk Krakoa science-magic.

Twist Option 5: There's another goddamn Muramasa blade/weapon out there.

What ever happened to Laura's Muramasa Armor? And the shield? How many weapons does Muramasa still have out there?

a. that armor will come up, and Laura will reclaim it. Since it also has a piece of Akihiro's soul, they'll extract that (probably breaking the armor in the process) and restore him via dope sword magic.

b. There's conveniently ANOTHER Muramasa weapon, one that can kill Sabretooth but ALSO has life restoring abilities (a weapon created for the perfect balance between life and death)

c. Solem lost his sword via general debauchery. And now Logan is gonna go get it. But also there's secret sword magic (which has life restoring powers) that Muramasa conveniently didn't tell Logan because he didn't feel like it

d. Logan's gonna go get his Muramasa blade (or one of them -- I'm pretty there's at least a couple at this point. wouldn't be surprised if there's secretly more) and there's the same secret sword magic as point c.

e. Percy and LaValle shock us all by giving Itsu some actual character -- where she knew Muramasa herself and gave up a bit of her soul for a secret weapon cuz it turns out she was a badass in her own right, which now can be used in the present day to both kill Sabretooth AND restore her beloved son. (And Logan never knew because he's a dense SOB and has a tendency to put his deceased love interests on a pedestal)

Twist Option 6: No twist at all. Akihiro is dead, gonna be dead for a bit, and everything is pain and suffering :(

At bare minimum, I wanna see Aurora pull her brother's moves from X-Men #163:

Just full speedster mode and kick his ass. She'd probably be more ruthless and I'd like to see that.

Or speedster sibling tag-team mode with said ruthless ass-kicking.

(I crave vengeance)

That's all I got. If you've made it this far, thanks for reading lol

[malaierba]

Consider the following: KaraNozo but in a fairytale, like Cinderella!

Cinderella!Kara is already a very Karabita story in my brain 🙈 But what about Sleeping Beauty? Don't you think that'd suit Nozomi nicely?

In this version of the story, Karamatsu and Nozomi meet while Nozomi is made to live on her own to keep her safe from the curse placed on her by an evil witch who looks suspiciously like Iyami. Karamatsu meets her accidentally, and he doesn't disclose that he's a prince from the neighboring kingdom because Nozomi is quick to assume that he's a bard and he's still his anxious teen self.

Maybe in this version of the story she helps him build up his confidence little by little? She's isolated for the most part, so I think she'd appreciate a ridiculous guy who likes to sing and knows a lot of stories and plays, and secretly wants to be a performer. When he's not helping her with the chores necessary to sustain herself + her godmother (Dayon? Eh why not), they're telling stories together.

I'm thinking that when Nozomi turns 20 and is finally allowed to go back home on the day of her birthday, she leaves a letter to Karamatsu explaining who she is and where to find her. Which he only finds after the prophecy has been fulfilled, and Nozomi has accidentally pierced her finger and plunged her kingdom into deep sleep.

From then on, the Matsuno brothers (but mainly Osomatsu and Choromatsu, since one WILL be king and the other one is convinced he WILL marry into a throne) spend a lot of time trying to get into Nozomi's cursed kingdom, which is full of overgrown plants and ghosts that and other obstacles that make it difficult to get to wherever Nozomi is.

Those two also spend a lot of time sabotaging each other (lol), while Karamatsu simply trails along because he of course KNOWS Nozomi, and he feels weird about the fact that they were both keeping secret their royal origins to each other, and besides the prophecy says that only true love's kiss can wake Nozomi, and he's afraid of getting there and finding out that the love he feels for Nozomi isn't true love (because of the lies), or that perhaps it isn't reciprocated.

I... Kind of like the idea that at one point, while sokudo are pointlessly fighting the cursed kingdom and each other, Karamatsu sees Jyushimatsu arrive from afar, with a message from Queen Matsuyo who's wondering what on earth is taking them so long.

Jyushimatsu arrives with her betrothed, Lady Homura, who was actually a courtesan from a fiefdom that had been seeking the Matsunos favour. For a long time in their relationship, Homura tried to keep her office a secret from Jyushimatsu; She introduced herself as just a random noble girl, and she relished that Jyushimatsu would interact with her without the weirdness and expectations that surrounds the title or courtesan.

When Jyushimatsu proposed to her, she had to come clean, and had been ready to be turned down, only to find out that Jyushi had already figured out who she was and it just didn't matter to him.

Karamatsu had known the basics of the story from Osomatsu, but I think listening to it from Jyushi and Homura would inspire him. Maybe they figure out that all his questions and interest in what they think of their circumstances goes beyond casual curiosity? Hah, maybe he goes as far as to show them Nozomi's letter and explain a little bit of his circumstances.

As you'd expect from them, they encourage Karamatsu to try. Homura reasons that as long as the care they have for each other is genuine (and it was), they'll figure out everything else once Nozomi wakes up. Besides, it sounded like Nozomi really appreciated Karamatsu's kindness, so that should be all he needs to show in order to prove the verity of his feelings.

Jyushimatsu, in true "I can be a meta little guy" fashion, adds that if it's not him it's definitely not going to be their perverted Onii-san let alone the rising Fappymatsu third, and so he should hurry up and get to Nozomi because of its not Karamatsu, then it's definitely none of them, so what are you waiting for nii-san!?

Encouraged by this interaction, Karamatsu finally makes an effort to go find Nozomi. In true Karamatsu fashion, he takes Homura's words ("show your kindness") literally, and he starts trying to charm and get directions from ghosts, ask the plants that have taken the street to allow him to pass, etc.

Incredibly, it works? Although if the plants sometimes throw him through the airs instead of letting him pass a la Moses, and if the ghosts sometimes vanish like dust to the wind when Karamatsu sparkles in their general direction, that's a different matter lol. The important thing is that he starts making way more progress than anyone has in the month they've been there, and progress increases exponentially when he finds a tiny green-eyed cat in the castle who helps him navigate the inner rooms until he gets to Nozomi.

You can imagine how it ends, it's a fairytale and it's Karamatsu so it'll be cheesy haha. He probably finds Nozomi crumpled on the floor besides a spinning wheel. He rearranges her so she's lying on his lap. He is too nervous about kissing her and it being for naught, so he ends up talking to her sleeping form, mentioning the card and what he learned from her, admitting to his own secret, apologising for not telling her sooner ("I liked that you weren't expecting a second to the throne from me; with you I forgot of all the things I've never been good at, and all I ever thought about was the things that we like"), admitting that he's afraid that those little lies between them wont be enough for the curse, but reassuring her that at least on his side he cares as much for the Nozomi that lived alone in the forest with her weird godmother, as he does for the one that is a princess.

He then takes her hand and kisses her (note: idk I really dislike the kiss on the lips of a sleeping person trope 😔 I also think that Karamatsu saw Osomatsu doing some distasteful jokes (in his defense, he really was only joking, trying to get a rise out of his siblings) and was put away of it by him too lol. He would have gone for the cheek afterwards anyway). To his surprise, the cat that had been guiding him, and who had been listening internally, started glowing before his eyes, until it shattered over them, gentle white light raining over their figure and slowly gathering on top of Nozomi's sleeping figure.

Nozomi's eyes flutter open not long afterwards, and despite looking a bit drowsy, she squeezes Karamatsu's hand and says "I'm glad you came". Karamatsu has a lot of questions, but he decides that all of them can wait. He helps Nozomi sit down and they hug promptly after, mumbling about how they missed each other, how Karamatsu is just Karamatsu to Nozomi too, how Nozomi always knew that things would be okay as long as it was Karamatsu who found her, how Karamatsu will be there to help her through whatever will come, etc.

Osomatsu and Choromatsu find them like that and at that point all hell breaks loose lol. There's only so much complaining they can do in good faith after they see them hugging as they are, and especially after Nozomi allows Karamatsu to princess carry her, so after a while they get over it and they finally go reunite the princess with her parents.

Good end :-)

[batbeato]

This is a random question, but I was looking at the characters ages a while back, and after seeing your last post where you mentioned Ange had gone to cram school, had to ask if Ange attending school already in 1986 or if the cram school was a special case, like private tutoring?

The Japanese school year starts in April, and you have to be six before then (or by that day, maybe? Not sure about the exact date) in order to start elementary, I thought. Her birthday is 17th June, so wouldn't she have turned six after the school year started? So, she wouldn't have begun elementary school until 1987? Would have been one of the older kids in her grade, but still in the right age range.

Though it wouldn't surprise me if this is something that was simply forgotten about, like in the case of Sailor Moon's timeline (long story short, main characters are 14 at the start, but for the eighth grade should have actually been 13, going on fourteen for the most part, not including birthday placements). They were given an age, and accordingly placed in the school grade they should be at.

Considering the massive scale of umineko and the other complex details and arcs within it, tiny things like that get lost. So maybe Ange's age vs school level simply wasn't thought of other than in passing, because it's inconsequential to the story in the long run.

Though now my heart hurts, because if Ange was in school at the time already, all her classmates would bug her about the incident because young kids tend to have no tact - and later turn to bullies over it. If she wasn't attending school at that time, begins the following year, that's even worse because her first experience is marred by the fact that her family is dead and no one will let her forget it.

(also, just how smart is Ange? From what I found on the internet, though that's not infallible, kids don't start attending cram school until fourth or fifth grade, or middle school. Either way, I wish I knew division at age six. It would have made my life a hell of a lot easier later on.)

Hmmm. Unsure. It's possible that there were strings pulled or something to have Ange start school early? I can imagine Rudolf/Kyrie doing that, or at least Kyrie convincing Rudolf to do it. I feel like she'd be the one pushing Ange academically (probably to make her more 'valuable' than Battler, who doesn't really care about his grades/schooling). I can also imagine the timeline just being whimsical, like wanting to give Ange a June birthday for astrology reasons or because she "feels like a summer child" and Ryukishi not worrying much about the logistics of it.

Ange was definitely bullied in school a lot, iirc its mentioned (and also depicted for St. Lucia in particular). It would probably have started from a young age and served as a reason for Eva to give Ange personal bodyguards, which would... then amp up the bullying and social ostracization. She... probably has a lot of trauma about school...

I think division teaching starts in like, third grade? At least in the US. She's either very smart/gifted, or she's being pushed very hard. Probably a mix of both. She doesn't do well in St. Lucia, but I think that comes more from her being too depressed to study / not caring about studying, vs. as a child she would be praised a lot by her parents for doing well, probably wasn't bullied, and thus had a good learning environment.

[tobiasdrake]

I kind of want to break stuff out of spite. Like, even if we fail, our deaths won't untrash the place. It will be a lot of work to get it all livable again. So that's a small victory.

Then again, judging by all those cobwebs and the swirling clouds, I'm not sure the Dweller uses this place for much anyway. I'm pretty sure the mist is supposed to be spooky horror mist but given the state of this place, I think it's just a thick cloud of dust.

Seems pretty obvious that her main hobby is just wandering around replacing and relighting the oh my god why are there so many candles in order to maintain the spooky atmosphere.

In any case, there's an interesting book over there, so we should--

--burn it, apparently. The books are a trap.

*sigh* No wonder Roro doesn't read them.

Well, that's me eating crow. The spooky mist vanished after we burned the books. I should make a note of that for the future.

"Old Person Physical Media is Evil". Got it.

Oh, I would but I'm jazzed up on caffeine now. Thanks for the offer though.

In any case, we're now set for a full-scale de-cursing.

And yet, I'm clearing it out of each room with less than a minute of mayhem. It really makes you stop and think about how much more effort goes into creation than destruction. Violence can unmake in seconds what took weeks or months to build.

I would be mad about that given that you're a ghost but Garl is the best chef this side of ever, so you've got yourself a deal just so I can show his talents off. You're lucky I'm egotistic.

Eh, I know someone who eats banana and mayo sandwiches. We all have our weird tastes.

Fuckin' told you. Don't mind me, I'll be over here beaming with pride as if I was the one who somehow turned that nonsense of a recipe into something not only edible but phenomenal.

:D I am such a great manager!

A small detail that I really appreciate is that the Waltzers come in both opposite- and same-sex varieties. That's neat. Even among the undead, love is love.

Well, now we know where all the Maleficent Thorns in the forest came from. The Botanical Horror's responsible. I bet these things are, like, its buds.

That's fine.

Me and my buds are gonna torch this whole place.

And Teaks will record it all. For history.

OH NO THAT DEFINITELY NEEDS TO DIE. That's about an 8 on the Botanophobia Scale right there. FUCK THIS THING.

Now to see how Erlina and Bugraves are doing. Bet their part isn't going so well, given that we need some reason to explore the other part of the mansion before we fight the Dweller.

Oh. Uh. Bye? Didn't expect her to peace out this soon.

We should probably have asked her to take Garl with her, if it's. Y'know. Time. I really don't want him losing another eye on my account.

...she might be trying to avoid Moraine, given that she waiting until we were isolated from him to pop in and then popped back out before we hooked back up with him.

I suggested that she might be Yoyo earlier, but she also could be Momo. I still don't think she's either though, on account of her visible youth.

Momo's kid, perhaps? I dunno. I do think she's trying to avoid the more professional Solstice Warriors.

Thanks, we did it all by ourselves. Yep. I'm just awesome like that. Zale helped. A little.

No more postponing, Dweller. By the unstoppable might of the moon and slightly more stoppable might of the sun, we're here to conquer!

This does seem about that time.

Probably should have asked Serai to take him with her. We'd have to come up with an excuse for what became of him, but I'm sure Moraine would buy, "He realized it was a mistake to be here and bailed."

Simple enough. You hold up the piñata while the rest of us celebrate my birthday.

It's the winter solstice. We're nowhere near it. But Erlina, Brugaves, and Garl all missed like ten of them so I'm owed a belated party.

Aww, you shouldn't have. It's just what I wanted.

Wait, is this not going well? I thought this was going well. Okay, so maybe I was a little cocky but we seem to be doing pretty well.

So that's a yes. Something is definitely going awry that I am not aware of.

Any way we could, like, blast a hole in the ceiling?

HA! Just like that, our poor decision to bring a normie along is fully vindicated. If we win this battle, I am never letting Moraine live this down.

...sorry, I'll stop being smug and focus on the fight.

HOLY SHIT, GARL.

I'll stop being smug and focus on the fight but you'd better prepare yourself for at least a week of insufferable smugness when we're done here, Moraine!

You know what? I take back that piñata stuff. I regret cracking this thing open to see what's inside. I liked her better when all the disgusting horror was on the inside.

Nowhere to go now but through. We're committed to this.

With, like, a Moonerang? I don't remember this part of my--

WHY NOT!? @_@ WHAT THE FUCK, SERAI! I THOUGHT WE WERE FRIENDS. We did an aggravated robbery together and every--

You know, maybe I need to learn to be a better judge of character.

[blu-wingz]

whats up its stampede saturday and ive GOT SO MANY THOUGHTS

trigun/stampede/manga spoilers blah blah im normal

ok so what the fuck /pos

ok so fuck. i know i said i had thoughts but ah to put them into words FUCK

disclaimer: i’ve read the manga and seen 1998 trigun so i know whats up.

The Tesla scene. god. they made it much more gruesome and i loved it. KEEPING HER ALIVE ooooh that hurts. but i wish they had a whole episode to explain tesla, what the humans did to her and how this drastically changed the twins’ POV of humanity and their place in the world. bc god that scene was only like less than 2 mins long and i dont think they did her much justice. maybe they will dive into it more but i doubt it since they have to deal with A GIANT PLANT MONSTER

that thing is gorgeous btw. the animation style is so good, that doesnt need to be said but god the studio is using the medium so well. im sure some botany fanatic is gushing about the flora symbolism. and i’ve no clue how July will perish now. anyway, vash is gonna feel SO guilty after this. oh goodness.

VASH HANGING ONTO HIS LAST REMNANTS OF REM THAT HURT LIKE A BITCH FUCK. AND WHEN NAI TOLD HIM “i did this [The big fall] all for you” “so its my fault”. OH BOY I DO LIKE TO SEE VASH SUFFER BUT BITCH THAT FUCKING HURTS. man. seeing him as a husk, a void vash, and it hurt. and him asking if he knew meryl and roberto, fuck!! ouchie!! and also Knives reading the Bible and deciding “yeah humanity is fucked and heres the proof” is SO FUCKING FUNNY. lmao. the implications that he was inspired yet disgusted by the bible sm that he despises humanity and also started a religious cult. oh my god.

Wolfwood wasn’t in a hurry to leave. he didnt want to get involved but he wasn’t rushing to the exit to move on with his life. he was hanging around just in case. of what? idk. this tristamp WW is a bit more mysterious for me and i like it. He didnt make Meryl leave either. didnt bother to stop her. that says so much about him.

oh and poor meryl. for a sec i saw the vines unleash in the room and thought it was gonna be like that volume where she sees what Vash’s feels/sees bc she touches his feathers. i got so scared. bc damn it. every moment in the manga has its impact and trying to shuffle them around to fit this new story hurts me personally /sarcasm. again, i LOVE this new show. im thankful for this new cake but sometimes i see remnants of the manga and i miss the original story. anyway, i cant wait to see what will happen to July, WW and Meryl.

also wtf happy birthday twins i fucking guess. idk if it was hinted before but what a jumpscare. but not a terrible jumpscare as the fucking plants being impregnated by Vash or Knives of the fucking core or whatever the fuck. like yeah. i know the metaphors of motherhood and shit but fucking. i didnt need that imagery personally. and i dont wanna think about it anymore. yall can have it. whatever. it just makes me uncomfy, nothing serious lol

it seems like they keep touching, briefly, on plot points from the manga but not exploring them fully. and i get it. its hard to explain anything from og trimax in 22 minutes, much less 12 episodes. and also i cant blame them so much. maybe watching this live is skewing my view of the entirety of the show. i am definitely re watching this when its finished. i fucking love trigun. and so i won’t comment much on the event order or whatever. i should just let it go. Its a new show with remnants of the manga and its so cool.

.anyway last episode is the day before my birthday so yipee! bday gift for me lol

edit: VASH HAS LEG PROSTHETICS WOOW how did he lose em hmmm

[idledreams-burninghearts]

I was trying to wait until I no longer work there to post about what I'm experiencing at work but I need to process it. CW: very heavy topic, trauma dumping, childhood trauma, grooming

I haven't written anything about it because I've been paranoid that Boss is following me on here, reading my posts. But oh well, either I'm paranoid and she won't see this. Or I'm not paranoid and I'm warning you, don't read this. I don't think you're in your stage of healing where you could handle this.

Lol, I gotta stop doing that. Not posting my thoughts and experiences in respect of someone else's feelings. I try to write things down privately in a journal or my notes app. I write letters to friends. It's just not the same as posting on here. Posting on here is like saying. I exist. My experience is valid. Gotta heal out of that people pleasing.

This might be out of order, my brain is weird, I will do my best to be coherent.

So the work environment is very triggering for me right now. The group dynamic is triggering childhood trauma of bullying. Where everyone is "nice" to you but they're making fun of you behind your back. (I trust some folk at work but not everyone) This is how some autistic folk experience bullying.

Like I definitely know they talk about me behind my back. I have had mental episodes that everyone is aware of. I'm trying to give them the benefit of the doubt by telling myself they are just concerned. I know I'm not an easy person to talk to. I don't trust very easily. But knowing they're talking about me is definitely triggering this bullying trauma. I just wish they would directly ask me, through text or something, not in person.

I am a very emotional person and I really don't want to be emotional at work. I'm in neurocognitive decline and it's very hard for me to hide it right now. (As far as I'm aware there is no definitive new term for autistic burnout, but the autistic community is trying to leave the term burnout behind because allistic folk do not take it as serious as they should because burnout is a very different experience for them. I am calling it neurocognitive decline.) So I wish people would just talk to me in my preferred format if its something serious. They all know I have a hard time with verbal communication. I have been clear about that. But I've masked too well in the past and was going off scripts so well, they of course, don't take that seriously.

But it's not just that. Boss and I trigger each other. She doesn't want to admit it but I can read people's body language and emotions really well. I can tell when I trigger someone.

I really shouldn't have gone to her birthday gathering. It was pretty weird. So when they talked to me about it they said the theme was coyote ugly. I did the best I could with what I had in my closet. But when I met up with everyone they said that changed it to cowboy/cow themed. I didn't care really because they're almost the same and no one was really dressed to that theme anyways. But I could tell I triggered Boss. Boss really does have a lot of internalized fatphobia. She tries so hard to talk herself up (and rightly so, she is gorgeous) but I can tell she doesn't feel it 100%. Which is sad for me to see. I wish she was more confident in herself.

Didn't help how much the others were complimenting me. I could see she didn't like it. And honestly I didn't like it either. Felt like the bullying love bombing, but even without that, I don't really like when people compliment my appearance.

Like I have pretty privilege. There is no denying it. I know how I look, I love how I look, I have no self confidence issues in regards to how I look. But people really don't like it when you tell them to not compliment your appearance. Whenever I tell people that they react in a few ways.

"Just take the compliment. I'm just being nice." (From people of all genders, whether they're attracted to me or not)

They struggle to find a way to compliment me.

Also didn't help how people at the club were looking at me either. She noticed. She has had a very different experience of the world in that regard. She is fat. And the world has been difficult and cruel to her because of it. I see how the world treats her and people like her. It's not right.

I know I triggered her too when she was struggling to make the schedule and I commented "and they say we're not understaffed" and she snapped at me saying "stop saying that! We're not understaffed!" Friend and M were there and saw it and we all exchanged looks but I didn't say anything because I get that this job is stressing her out. Then a few days later she put up a help wanted sign. No apology for her snapping at me. When I bright this up in the meeting with her and K she said that she doesn't remember that, we're not bringing the others into this, she recognized my experience is valid. But still didn't apologize.

So when she was side-eyeing me all night and when she said "skinny people don't even need to try" in a way where she implied she's talking about me but can deny it (she's done this a couple of times at work too and in the meeting with boss and k, boss tried to say that she was just joking. I can tell the difference between a joke and a jab. Even if I don't find the joke funny I can tell what the intent was. It's in the eyes and the mouth. People think they're hard to read but they're not ) all I could think was. I get it. Of course this is how you feel after the world has treated you the way that it has. So I didn't say anything. No one likes being called out on their behavior, which is one reason why I think no one calls me out on mine (I wish they would, I actually like when people call me out on my behavior, work is weird because I don't want to be emotional at work but they can message me about it)

I realized my mental health, my physical health, was impacting everyone at work. I went to Boss and told her. (This was before the meeting with Boss and K, before I said I don't trust Boss in group chat) Hey I'm in burnout. And she responded. We all are. Which I'm still like, none of us should be. But this is when a switch flipped in my head. She's letting her perception of me get in the way of my well-being. That was a trigger. I'll get to that in a second. This is why I'm no longer using burnout to describe my experience. Why I'm using the term neurocognitive decline.

Took her a month to reduce my schedule down to 3 days. I get it, we had inventory and were short staffed. But it still just felt like she wasn't taking me seriously. She said she researched autistic burnout after I told her through group chat that I didn't trust her but I'm sure it was very cursory. Had to have a meeting with Boss and K where I showed them this tiktok. She mentioned that time she researched it. We talked about demoting me from supervisor to just sales associate which yes I was thankful for that. But it still feels like I'm not being taken seriously.

She was talking about how "we" have to manage our triggers (she was talking about me, she's so passive aggressive) she was talking about how "we wanted to be a communist party" (which was another trigger for me, I'll get to that when I talk about her she's specifically triggering me separate out of the group bullying dynamic) but also talking about "don't look at the emails, that's for management only, that information is not for everyone" and "we all need to help out" (how are you going to talk about being a communist party and needing everyone to help out but also keeping us in the dark about stuff and not sharing information?) But the whole meeting just, felt like what this video is talking about.

The last team meeting she was stressed out. I wasn't looking at her because I was having a hard time masking. So I was faced away and looking kinda up at the ceiling and rocking a little bit. I'm sure she was triggered by that too, I think she thought I was ignoring her. But I was listening, it's easier to listen when I'm not also looking. Another reason I didn't want to look at her was because I'm tired of managing her emotions.

I'm trying to give the benefit of the doubt to her and see that she's trying to ask people for more help in order to help me out but it also feels like she's using that as a way to fire me if I don't do what she says (I did ask for her to fire me in a way that i can collect unemployment, I talk about it a bit further down, I just can't trust her)

I also think she thinks I'm not eating the food she brings to the meetings because I am not being a team player or because I don't like her or something along those lines. No, the food makes me sick. I've been having a hard time eating food because of my neurocognitive decline (mind, body, soul, all connected) and I see how hard it is for her to accommodate me and I'm not gonna force her too. She doesn't have to. She's having a hard time. She can do what she can do. I don't have hard feelings about that.

Another thing that frustrates me is that it feels like she's trying to treat everyone the same when we're not all the same, we're not all capable of doing everything or doing everything the same way and after the meeting I did hear Boss say to M that she feels like the new hires help out more than the older workers and like do you still not get that I'm in neurocognitive decline??? Do you not get that we also know this company doesn't give a shit about us? Where is your communist spirit, I thought we were a communist party?

Another thing she mentioned in that meeting was how we can't call out or go home early for no reason. I know that is referencing me too. I have been calling out and going home early pretty often lately. Because I am in neurocognitive decline. But I think she was upset that a few days prior to this I had left home early. And how I left. I had texted her if I could go home early. She did not reply. I called her from the work phone. She did not answer. I told my ma what time she would be getting into work so she could pick me up when I asked her to go home early. So when Boss got into work she saw my ma was there. When I asked if I could leave she said "yea, your mom is waiting for you already". Like she really doesn't understand what I'm going through if she's thinking I'm going home just because I want to

Anyways. Back to how she mentioned "we need to manage our triggers" and how she was talking about me. And this relates to why I think she's following me on here. So before the meeting (the day before? A few days before?) I had written a post on here about how I noticed I was having a meltdown one a month. I had also written this post after I had talked to HR about a certain light causing migraines and how the District Manager said ALL lights need to remain on and that the company provides ibuprofen. HR backed her up and said it was OSHA and company policy. I tried looking up OSHA regulations and only found "1915.82(a)(1) The employer shall ensure that each work area and walkway is adequately lighted whenever an employee is present." Which doesn't state all lights need to be on, only that it needs to be adequately lit.

But what really made me think that she's following me on here is after I had posted about issues at work and with her but I said she was still like a creative and amazing person (in tags of this post), I don't think she's a bad person (still don't btw, sometimes there are just people you can't have in your life because your issues conflict with each other) and then at work she explained to me her issues with her mom. How she had pretty privilege and other things. And in my head, I'm just like, she read the post and I knew I was triggering issues with her mom (maybe of another person too, childhood "friend" perhaps? If I'm not being paranoid and she is following me I have to think it's for a reason, she might just be trying to protect herself from experiencing the same thing she has before, idk) and this is also what led to me not trusting her besides her not taking me seriously when I said I was in burnout.

So if I'm not paranoid I'm assuming Boss thinks me doing that was me having a meltdown or that I was triggered. Nope. The meltdown referenced in that post had nothing to do with work. I was thinking clearly when I was messaging with HR. That was also me self-regulating. Turns out I'm a PDA autistic. (I prefer Persistent Drive for Autonomy, that feels more correct for me than Pathological Demand Avoidance. And this has also created problems between Boss and I because I have been unintentionally engaging in Equalizing Behavior (I realize after) and allistic don't like that, they need their hierarchy)

Another thing that makes me think she's following me on here is because in the meeting with Boss and K, she said she wasn't micromanaging which was not a word I used in the meeting but I did use it in the tags of the same post

I know I've typed in the tags of a few posts that I wish I could just collect unemployment and then K started talking about her getting unemployment because of her 2nd job and when I said I wished I could get unemployment she very carefully said to talk to Boss about it and that Boss might just be uncomfortable firing a "friend". The whole interaction felt suspicious but I played along and said sure. Talked to Boss about it with K present and Boss was also very careful with her response. Could just be because she's trying to be careful of her position and be careful with me since I said I don't trust her. Like again, I am hoping that I'm paranoid about all of this. But it's so hard for me to trust her right now. Didn't help that in that meeting she said she'd talk to her lawyer friend because I couldn't be fired for insubordination and that we'd come up with a plan. Well, she never talked to me about a plan. And one time I called out for being sick and the next day B texted me asking if I was still feeling unwell and if I would be staying home. I said I was not gonna make it in and she said that she texted Boss to let her know. Then Boss tried to give me a write-up for it because I didn't tell her but I said I didn't because B did and I pulled up the message where she said so and she seemed frustrated (hoping because she was trying to help me but she knows I don't trust her and idk why she won't let me in on her plan. But this has been a huge issue for me working with her too. She thinks she communicates well but she does not, at least not with me. And I mirror communication styles so I know to her it seems like I don't communicate well)

It's also hard to trust her about this because she told employees that write-ups are back for everyone. Like I asked to be fired in a way I could collect unemployment, you didn't need to bring write-ups back for everyone. Why are you continuing to treat us all the same when we're not. And I don't mean treat us all the same as equivalent to treating us equal. Those are two different things for me. Treat us all equal, yes, but we all have different needs and capabilities so don't treat us all the same. She's leaning into the reasons I can't trust her.

This part is what I think I'm being most paranoid about (at least really hoping I'm being paranoid about, it would be extremely fucked up if I'm not being paranoid about it) so when I was confused about my feelings for Mrs Heartstrings (gotta find a new name for her, will just refer to her as Friend, same Friend mentioned earlier) I did kinda tell Boss. I was confused about if she was flirting with me or just being kind and none of my friends that I talked to about it could offer any insight because they have never met her (well, Strawhat Friend did, but very momentarily and no interaction between us) and so one day I asked Boss if she could tell if a person was flirting with me (I showed her a screenshot of a text message that was cropped to remove names) and that the person was married but I wasn't sure if they were poly or not. She asked me where I met her and I froze. She said I didn't have to answer and I didn't. But she's smart. I'm sure she figured it out. But after that it seemed like everyone was talking Friend up. "Friend is so amazing!" was said to me multiple times to the point where I started responding "I know???" And I remember this time where a few coworkers kinda stood around her and said something like "Friend is autistic" and she made a pose and it just seemed very ta-da! And I think I just responded with "I know?" But I thought "I know" "are y'all showing her off?" "What's going on here?" "Sorry I'm not the right kind of autistic" (that last one I thought because I had been saying I'm too autistic for this job so I was hoping it was related to that and not what I was being suspicious about) I really hope I'm being paranoid about this part because even if they tell themselves it was a "joke" it's fucked up and led to me having a spiral. I prefer to spiral just because I'm fucked up and not because someone is messing with me.

Okay. So now to the part where I talk about her triggering me. If I'm not being paranoid and Boss is reading this, you are really gonna want to stop reading at this point. You really aren't in the right place of your healing journey to read this.

So she has called the team meetings "family dinner" and has called us a family, which was extremely triggering for me and not just because that is a corporate tactic to get employees to work harder for them.

She doesn't communicate well, she's been changing a lot of things at work and how we do things which would be fine except she doesn't explain them properly or at all, or will explain it to someone else who will explain it to me but still without the necessary information my autistic brain needs to actually be able to do it. Like this.

One, she never talked to me about this. K did. But it didn't make sense to my autistic brain to print out the shipment manifest in a way that wasted ink and paper because it included a lot of items that weren't actually shipped to us. It has a lot of items with 0 at the end of it. And in the system all you have to do is press one button, twice, to change the format in the system to show the items listed from greatest to least amount of items sent. I printed upcoming shipments like that so it would only be like 2-5 pages long instead of like 10+ pages long. I saved the digital version in the bookmark bar of both internet browsers on the computer. I told K about it and she said no one else would want to do that work and I said no one else has to, y'all can do it your way when you print up the shipment list because I know we're all different. After that is when Boss wrote that in the pass down log. And now that I'm no longer a supervisor, I saw how they are doing the shipment list. They are using what comes in the shipment. Which is exactly how I was prepping it anyways. And she has not apologized because she didn't tell me directly so she has the excuse that she wasn't talking about me. When yes she was.

No explanation for why that way is better. Does not want to communicate about it. She just wants to tell us to do something and she just wants us to do it no questions asked. And so passive aggressive. I know she's talking about me. (Why can't she just talk to me directly. I know I'm hard to talk to. But if it's work related that is very easy to talk about. Just talk to me directly so I can mirror your communication style and I can be direct back.) Very triggering for me. And the next shipment they printed out their way I just could not do it because of my pda profile and because of being triggered and because it just does not make sense to me. I couldn't do it and said as much. (In the meeting with Boss and K and Boss said "we already let you do what you want to do" which was so frustrating for me because what I want to do is my job, but she still doesn't get that I'm in neurocognitive decline and I'm just trying to do what I can do.) Honestly since messaging HR about the OSHA thing it has been a bit easier for me to work because I'm motivated by spite (to the company, not even Boss) now. I want to cause problems for the company but just let them try to fire me without it looking like retaliation. I do my job. I am being nice to people. Trying to talk. It probably doesn't seem enough, I'm wearing a more manageable mask, it's not as upbeat and social and I know because of everything going on they think I'm being upset at them when I really just don't have the energy or capacity. I'm sure some people are taking it personally.

Another thing that triggered me was when she said "I'm always watching" talking about how she looks over the security camera footage. I talked to her about this in the meeting but I'm not sure if she gets it or not because this is what she put in the report she typed up.

Like I'm not triggered by the cameras being there (although I do hate that we live in a surveillance state) I'm triggered by what she said. And she speaks corporate very well. She knows how this is gonna make me look. I'm looking to get out of there anyways so whatever. But then it was funny that after she submitted this she posted in the group chat that management was looking at the cameras more "for some reason"

But she could just be covering her own ass too. In the meeting she said she was taking notes so she could type up the report. Later I had asked for a copy, now I wonder if she actually meant that or if she did that allistic thing where they say things they don't mean. Like how hard is it to say, I'm taking notes so I know what to respond to without interrupting you? I signed it without reading too, but because I wanted the copy for myself and to show friends. I'm sure she thought I wanted it to get her in trouble. Or maybe she still doesn't get it. She's never really been able to listen and understand me. It's just an allistic/autistic communication issue (I need to be more direct again, I stopped as a kid because people really don't like it)

Another way she triggered me was by taking away autonomy. She said that staff can't rearrange the merch without asking for permission from a supervisor or her, the manager. So one day I'm putting product out but there's no space. I have to rearrange the wall. I was a supervisor at the time so I just gave myself permission. She then changed it to where no one could rearrange the wall without asking for her permission.

Another thing she does that triggers me is that she is not clear with her instructions. In a team meeting she said that people were cleaning too slowly so I sped up how I cleaned. Then things weren't being cleaned well enough (like no shit, cleaning is either going to be cleaned fast OR thoroughly. Not both) and that caused a bit of a melt down for me (not in the meeting).

And in the meeting Boss was like "sorry I'm triggering memories of a friend" and I was just like, she wasn't a friend. Like, yes, in the group dynamic it reminds me of childhood bullying. But her on her own, of these things I've just listed.

The person and memories she is triggering is of Ms. A. Ms. A is the reason I look people in the eye and the reason I don't visibly stim. She forced me to look people in the eyes, she forced me to be still. Good kids are neither seen nor heard. I couldn't be visibly autistic. And I don't feel like I can be autistic with Boss. Ms. A forced me to clean her house and look after the younger kids. Boss makes me feel like I have to do more than I'm able to, regardless of my disability and she gives "reasonable accommodations". Ms. A gave no privacy. Boss said she's always watching. Ms. A always said we were family when we weren't, she was our "caregiver", she was paid to take care of us but she didn't. Boss called the team meetings "family dinner" but we're not family. I have a hard time thinking we're all friends. Boss tried to say we're a communist party when she can't even give me the accommodations I need, feels like she's trying to use what she knows about me as a way to get me to comply. Ms. A is the reason I don't like talking about the things I like with people because she used it against me as a form of control. She groomed me (and the other kids) for her father.

So that's why I can't really talk to her directly about this. Like how do you tell someone, "hey your behavior reminds me of my groomer"? And why I couldn't properly vent this out here in case she is seeing my posts. If I'm not paranoid about that... I hope she heeded my warning and didn't read this.

Like, I don't think Boss is grooming me to be sexually assaulted. But it sure does feel like she's grooming me to be a good little employee for corporate. Do as I say no questions asked. No transparency, keeping people out of the loop.

Honestly if I'm not being paranoid and she is following me here that's another trigger that reminds me of my groomer. No privacy.

Like I miss my old manager. When I was promoted I was uncomfortable with the position because I don't like being in a position of power over people but she told me it wasn't a position of power, it was a position of responsibility. And I vibe hard with that. But current Boss. She does not take the same approach. I can't work for her. I need to get out of there. She will never not trigger me as long as I'm working under her.

I also remember a time where Boss and Friend and I were supposed to hang out but I had to cancel because my cat died. I was of course really sad that my cat died, but there was a part of me that was relieved I didn't have to hang out with them because I really felt (and feel) uncomfortable around Boss. Like that's how bad I am doing with all of this. Although I do think I'm doing pretty well at work considering everything I'm going through.

And the possibility of Boss following me on here is why I'm not talking about my latest mental health issue and what I think it is. Because she's not a safe person for me to be autistic around. She is definitely not a safe person for me to be that kind of mentally ill around, especially if I'm working for her.

Like I get its been hard for people to deal with me while I've been in neurocognitive decline (honestly it started once we were bought out). It's not just her that is the issue. I know I'm part of the issue too. But I can't work for her.

I don't want to talk about this at work because there is no space and time to properly communicate this without it seeming like I'm gossiping. And I don't want to turn anyone against her. I don't want to take her community away from her. She needs them. I don't. I have friends.

I am honestly overwhelmed by how many friends I have. I do think I needed to experience this and am kinda grateful for this experience. It really reminded me of who my friends are and which relationships I need to work on. Kinda thinking about having a picnic with friends when I'm not working here anymore and feeling a bit better.

I also know I can be a heavy person because I focus so much on my depression and how much I don't want to be alive. And people don't want to focus on that, they don't want me to focus on that. But I need to. I need to problem solve. I need to figure out why I'm feeling this way. So I can change and grow. Can't do that if I'm ignoring the problem.

But anyways, yea, whether I'm paranoid or not, I can't work here. Either way, the situation is not great. No real accommodations and my neurocognitive decline is not taken seriously.

I feel like writing this up here has already helped me process this a bit and hopefully I can work on it more with this week off. I'm sure there are things that I'm forgetting but this is already really long.

[coffee-guy]

The Star

There is a ritual that I have been doing for some time. On my birthday, I "deal" with my tarots and see what a surprise is in store for me. This year “The Star” was released.

The Star is a card of intimate connection with the feminine, it is intellectual and spiritual (this can already be understood from the colors recalled), and therefore gives us a complete dimension of ourselves, so that we could even say that "everything finds its place inside and outside of us".

It's a great gift to find The Star once in a lifetime, because there is a conscious story that lies within this card. There is comfort and understanding in our complexity, in the way we go through life.

The naked girl leaning on her knee recalls the gesture with which the ancients addressed the gods.

The tarot tells us, with little modesty, that there is Beauty and Truth in who we are, in what we contribute, in how we move in the world. The figure as a whole recalls the very meaning of Life. It is telling that you are in Life. You are in it. In the sky, you see there are 8 stars.

The number 8 is linked to the symbol of Infinity, to victory, to karma, to energy. In Kabala it corresponds to the letter cheit and is related to the concept of 'double door'. Entering life and returning to life. Stay there. You are inhabiting time to make it your own.

The yellow star, the largest, is that beacon that each of us tries to find along the way and which often shows up just when we have abandoned the search. It leads the way: it is our personality, a compass with which to take hold of the spirit and develop our own personal thrust in relation to the other forces of the universe. What affirms us leaves traces of what we are.

It calls you to "connect all the dots" to put yourself in the channel with eternity: the light you will obtain will be the reward for choices made with the heart, not with a hypertrophic use of reason, nor with instinct.

How boring people who use the alibi of their being "instinctive" for some unresponsible attack of aggression and self-satisfaction. Our intimate nature is not that stuff and the Star tells us so. Why should we give up that precious space that exists between us and the other and in which we are present, we are our decisions, we are our talents. The winged creature placed on a tree located on a hill is a beautiful Ibis and represents that space.

Arcanum XVII brings us harmony, balance and always indicates a favor in the issues we are called to resolve, without presumption and thanks to our flashes and the ability to build peace for ourselves. In any case, this map envisages evolutions which, by definition, respond to the binomial preserve-change, freeing us from the prisoner's dilemma. It heralds a kind of return to spiritual dimensions, to accept going "through" our choices.

It is a card of pouring and crossing. The Star tells you that you are making a final account of past commitments, to open yourself up to new trajectories. It's about new water to collect in your jug to transform it into what you want.

The underlying message is that, with diligence, care and attention, there is order and joy to put into life's great closet. Your hope, as a person, can be pinned - your calling followed.

Dispense humility, do it with confidence, be generous. Give yourself and get in the way. There are excellent mental energies that you are in the moment of figuring out what to hold on to and what to let go.

On the emotional side, it indicates that something is born, it has already been born. You made something out of you. If you learn to keep your gaze up, you can also admire it: your happy love, your reliable friends.

I am always very moved when someone is awarded with the Star, because it is a full and sincere wish and "an engine-card": it gives us the impulse to use a life opportunity with heart, adherence and intellectual honesty, when "that moment arrives ”.

It reminds me a song by Loredana Bertè and in which I have always wanted to mirror myself, like that girl on the edge of the river. Perhaps, it is no coincidence that the title of the song is 'Stella di Carta' {Star made of paper}. The lyrics flow like this: I follow another destiny. If I go towards the night, if my ribs are broken, it's in order to see the morning light.

Be free to act in the world. To sizzle with light.

If I have to be The Star, I couldn't help but share and address this wish to you in turn.

[queerofthedagger]

So while one could definitely say that I might be biased when it comes to @atlantablack's writing because she's one of my best friends, let me start this by saying that 1) yes, but I'm also right, and 2) I loved her writing before we ever talked to each other; there's proof in the form of a horribly awkward comment on a fic that wasn't even for the Merlin fandom. Anyway, they're one of the most talented writers across all of their fandoms, and so I thought a list of my personal faves from their Merlin fics was in order - and what better time to post that than on her birthday?

It was honestly almost impossible to pick, but I've gone with a bit of variety so here's six fics - two Merthur, two Morgwen, and two Gen - that live rent free in my brain at any given time.

To Atlanta: I love you (to the moon and to saturn) and I'm so glad that I can call you my friend. Your writing is an absolute gift to this world, and I hope you never stop having marvellous ideas, and causing me great emotional harm with them. Happiest of Birthdays! <3

-

this raging sea, these summer storms

[Merlin/Arthur, G, 4,2k]

Summary:

“I have magic,” he whispers, turning to face Arthur. “I have magic, and I use it for you. Always for you.” He keeps his chin tilted up, his spine straight, and a storm stares back. Arthur’s eyes as dark and wild as the sea.

Why I rec this: Okay so this fic was a gift for me, but that only makes it even more perfect than it already is on its own. I absolutely adore magic reveals where Merlin gets to be unapologetic, and where Arthur gets to have some time to think things through and be (mostly) reasonable about it, and this fic is just so careful and gentle about it without making it unrealistic. The entire mood of the fic is like rain after a hot summer day, and every time I re-read it, it reminds me of why I love those idiots so much. <3

Quotes:

He’s not sure he could pinpoint when that look changed: when they’d stopped looking through each other and started looking at each other instead. He’s not sure when he started silently collecting the pieces of Merlin’s secret as if they were a treasure to be hidden carefully beneath his ribs until the time was right.

---

this graveyard of forgotten love

[Morgana/Gwen, M, 11,8k]

Summary:

Gwen has never fully managed to shake her love for the lady who had once sworn to keep her safe. Now locked in a tower by that same lady, she must face a truth she's long kept buried (even from herself).

An exploration of grief, anger, and the inability to let go of someone you once loved (even when you should).

Why I rec this: So, funny story - Atlanta is the one who dragged me kicking and screaming into the post-season 2 Morgwen brainrot, and this fic is a study in all the reasons of why she was successful. There are no excuses made or actions played down, Gwen gets to have agency and be furious and bitter and grieving (also as a side-note, Atlanta writes the best Gwen in this fandom. Seriously, all her Gwen-centric fics are an absolute blessing), and the way this fic ties all the people who are important to Gwen together and gives them their due weight is so, so perfect. It is fairly heavy (mind the tags), but it's 100% worth the angst, and the ending is definitely hopeful.

Quote:

Morgana snarls, moving forward until her face is so close to Gwen’s that she can feel the heat coming from her. The irony of the position, of Morgana mirroring the specter’s actions, does not escape her. (The heat of Morgana’s body straining towards her does not escape her.)  “What would you have done?” Morgana asks again, low and furious, eyes boring into Gwen’s.  Gwen swallows roughly, leaning back as far as she can. “I would have left you there,” she spits, the lie slipping out of her, bitter and furious. “I would have done nothing at all.” 

---

the weight of one man's grief

[Lancelot & Merlin, G, MCD, 2,5k]

Summary:

He arrives too late to stop Arthur from doing what he’s always said he was willing to do, but arrives just in time to catch the last glimpse of golden hair disappearing into the veil and it feels for a moment as if the world has stopped existing. The entirety of his existence narrowed down to nothing but the veil slowly slipping closed and the after image of sunlight licking at golden hair. Feels as if there is nothing but his own thundering pulse and the earth beneath his feet screaming, screaming, screaming. Or perhaps that is his own voice being torn from his throat, the sound of his own magic ripping through the trees, racing toward the veil that is nearly closed. They would not take him. They would not. They do.

Why I rec this: If you want to cry, this is your fic. It's no secret that I love angst (and dealing each other massive emotional damage is the bedrock of Atlanta's and my friendship) but huh boy, this fic really takes it to another level in just about 2,5k words. I think if Arthur had actually walked through the veil, this is about what would have happened, and as usual, Atlanta's exploration and description of grief is the most flawless thing I've ever read. It's ugly, it's violent, and it hurts, and then there's a little special something that twists the knife when you're already bleeding out. It's one of my alltime Merlin-faves, and I don't think I'll ever get over it.

Quote:

The ground creaks and Merlin stares at Lancelot, the never-ending sky in his eyes, and he wants to laugh. Wants to laugh and laugh until his heart gives up from the force of his grief, his relief, that same question, repeating on a loop. If Arthur is the hero (dead and gone and irrelevant except for all the ways in which he is not), and Merlin the unbeatable, raging storm (one word away from wiping this city from the map), then what does that make Lancelot? What does that make him in this story?

---

a god at an altar, a beggar full of faith

[Merlin/Arthur, M, 4,9k]

Summary:

For every person that sinks magic beneath Arthur's skin like an offering, another tries to murder him, always furious when the magic harmlessly bounces off, Arthur held safe by the sacrifices of those who have died for him.  He wonders if they knew that he was aware of what they were doing. He spends a lot of time wondering why they would protect him. His father has them murdered and still more come, always in disguise, sometimes only brushing past him in the marketplace, a finger to his wrist, a hand to his back, the sweet rush of protection burrowing beneath his skin and promising safety.  He wonders how long it is until they decide to stop protecting the son of their butcher?

Why I rec this: Atlanta's prose in general is on its own level, but this fic? Oh my god this fic; it has such a specific vibe between Merlin and Arthur that I love to pieces, and that doesn't even start on how utterly perfect Arthur is in this. The premise is so, so good, and explores so well what would have happened if Arthur had reason to move away from Uther's influence much earlier. As if that wasn't already amazing on its own, I also love the relationship between Arthur & Morgana in this, and the way Uther gets his due. But also, the tension between Arthur and Merlin, man; Atlanta said 'Arthur has a competency kink rights' and then they fucking delivered.

Quote:

He hums, digs his fingers into Merlin’s waist. “Can’t see a damn thing but your magic,” he says and it’s so freeing, finally getting to admit this, to admit what he can do, that he laughs. “Haven’t been able to see a damn thing but your magic since the day you showed up, sweetheart.”

---

forging a path

[Morgana/Gwen, G, 3k]

Summary:

“You took my will from me,” She slowly swipes her thumb across Morgana’s cheek. “So now I will take what you love from you.”  “I do not love anything,” Morgana spits, trying to pull her face from Gwen’s grasp and snarling when Gwen only tightens her grip.  “You love your magic,” she whispers gently. - The White Goddess may have released Gwen from Morgana's hold, but it does well to remember that even the kindest of deities are fickle creatures.

Why I rec this: So, Gwen with magic has - also thanks to Atlanta - a special place in my heart. A vindictive, unforgiving Gwen does, too, but what I love most about this fic is the relationship between Merlin & Gwen; it's not a huge part, but in a way, that makes it even better, the absolute naturalness with which it takes place. That aside, though, the entire premise is just utterly brilliant, and pulling it off satisfyingly in 3k words is like a masterclass in writing. Again.

Quote:

“If you missed me so much, Morgana, all you had to do was come home.” Gwen continues walking forward until Arthur grabs her arm, preventing her from going any farther. Her eyes never leave Morgana’s, and there is something bright and furious sparking to life in her veins, begging to be let free.  “Camelot was never my home,” Morgana spits, lip curling in disgust.  “And I was not referring to Camelot,” she counters lowly, viciously pleased when Morgana’s nose flares wide, eyes lighting up with a shocked understanding.

---

from blood and bone (to earth and sea)

[Arthur & Morgana, G, 2k]

Summary:

Every time Morgana believes she’s rid herself of affection for Gwen and Arthur, that same traitorous part of her heart roars back to life, threatening to strangle her with guilt.  She was done with feeling guilty, this is what she had told herself, and yet Arthur is screaming at his father as if he would give the kingdom up now all for one serving girl. That is to say nothing of the look on Gwen’s face when she’d met Morgana’s eyes. The betrayal shining in her eyes had cut deeper than any knife ever could.  She had said she was done with this. The throne was hers, Uther corrupt, and she could not trust Arthur with it. She could not but— . . . “You won’t kill her,” she says calmly, voice ringing through the room. “You won’t banish her either.” 

Why I rec this: So first of all, I'm cheating a bit because this is the first fic in a series, and you should definitely read the following three stories in it as well. The way Atlanta writes Morgana and Arthur is phenomenal, as are Morgana's relationships with Gwen and Merlin. It digs a lot into the betrayal that came with this episode, the one from the poisoning incident, and a lot of the grief and broken pieces between all of them that have been building for a while now. Not to mention that, once again, the writing is utterly mind-blowing, I don't know how she keeps doing that. This can technically be read as a standalone, but why would you?

Quote:

He meets her eyes evenly, sword still held between them, blue eyes clear and vast as the sea. They’ve always been polar opposites, the sea and the earth, always fighting for purchase as to who gets a claim of the land they both inhabit.  She takes the sword. 

---

Enjoy reading! And if you want to check out more of her brilliant works, here's their AO3 profile! ❤️

[writingfics-passingtime]

Playing the Part

~8300 words of steamy Loki tickle fluff

PG13 for this one, kids. Lots of making out.

CW: some swearing, suggestive humour, mentions of murder/death, alcohol consumption

Every job has its ups and downs, and every employee their good days and not-so-good days. You’d hardly classify yourself as an employee because you didn’t get a paycheque, your entire occupation was a hazard unto itself, human-resources was punching it out on the sparring mat and your boss was either a 100-year-old super soldier or an eccentric billionaire, depending on the day and who was wearing what suit.

Wait… should I be getting paid for this?

Looking around your room that you paid no rent on, in a multi-billion dollar superhero compound, you decided that wasn’t a question you were ever going to ask. The question of the hour was which dress would best conceal your thigh-holstered gun.

Today, your job entailed one of those tasks that could be fun if you decided it would be, or hell if you had a bad attitude about it. You prided yourself on always being up for any mission, so that answered that question, though infiltrating some black-tie gala undercover was never as exciting as fighting alien forces.

You gave up feeling guilty about being a little excited when Earth faced threats long ago; no one had to know that impending planetary destruction was your favourite kind of mission to help out on.

Selecting a red strapless dress from the middle of your mission closet (which was differentiated because most of these dresses were bulletproof) you slipped it on over your underwear and thigh holster. A knock came at your door as you were reaching behind yourself to zip it up.

“Come in!”

“Agent, we- oh… Oh.” Loki’s featured turned from surprised to playfully smug in a matter of seconds.

“Can you get this zipper?” You winced at the stuck metal. He nodded and approached, you turned and held the fabric up. Before he even made it halfway to you he gave a brief wave of his hand and used his magic to unstick the zipper, bringing it to the top.

“Thanks,” you smiled, familiar with that particular kind of help from Loki. “Can you see my gun?” You did a little spin and he shook his head. “Great. You look nice," you commented, gesturing to his impeccable black suit.

“As do you.”

“Ready?”

”I suppose there are worse charades to play on a Saturday evening. Ones that don’t include fine wine and the prospect of a tussle with a Midgardian security man.”

You shot him a look as you two walked towards the garage together. “You said no Midgardian wine could be classed as fine.”

“Save for one region in Italy, I’ve discovered.” Loki shrugged, tightening the fastener on his cuff link.

You gave him a mock look of shock. “Are you telling me… you were wrong?“

“Smugness is not becoming, Agent,” Loki playfully warned.

“Hmm,” you narrowed your eyes. “Looks like I’m spending too much time with you.”

You bickered and bantered good-naturedly as you entered the garage, which was more like a hangar but only for cars. This mission would be you, Loki, Natasha, Sam and, strangely enough, Tony wanted to drive the van. He gave some excuse about wanting to test some new equipment and spend time with his team. Though you knew it was because Pepper wanted him to attend her aunt’s seventieth birthday, and Tony had a long-standing feud with that particular aunt ever since she went on a forty-five minute tirade about how much she hated Led Zeppelin. You weren’t sure if it was the sentiment behind it, or the fact that she could talk for forty-five minutes straight without the awareness to stop. Either way, Tony was on the job tonight.

“Black Widow is already onsite,“ Tony handed you three some photos as you entered and took your seats. “Your names are on the door, fake ones obviously, here they are.” Tony pulled up some information on the screens and then commanded the self-driving van to go with a few taps at a holographic control centre.

You went over the plan, the objective, who to avoid at all costs, where the gun was supposedly hidden. There was a gun used in a murder of a journalist - the employee of an old friend of Tony's, a young guy working on an exposé of a filthy-rich family dynasty in New York City. The journalist was sure the McDane family money came from arms dealing, but he was found dead just a few short months after he started investigating. The following week, Charles, the charming and likeable newly-married eldest son of the family, announced his run for mayor.

Whether Charlie McDane ordered the murder, or if he didn't even know it happened, Tony's source said this family kept trophies of their victories and the murder weapon would most definitely still be in the house.

On the face of it, it was an unusual assignment for the Avengers. If you didn't think that hard about it, you could have just sent Nat in alone. However, the McDane family was even more powerful than they loved to show on the surface, and this wouldn't be a simple theft. Hence, a small team was going in to avenge the fallen journalist.

Natasha had been planted on the inside, posing as an event manager for a soirée the family was hosting to celebrate Charlie’s birthday and, since he’d invited everyone in the political and social scene, it was the perfect chance to enter the mansion; there’s no way he’d know who each and every person was and should be.

As you walked down the road with your arm slotted through Loki's, you eyed the metal detectors at the front entrance. You gripped his arm and slid your hand into the pocket of your dress, but the pocket was hollow and only existed as easy way to grab your gun. Wordlessly, you passed it to Loki and he concealed it with his magic in the exact same way you planned to smuggle the murder weapon out later that evening.

Maybe it was Loki's elegance or your years of training that started when you were very young, but the way you two could instinctively weave around each other's thoughts, ideas and actions without so much as a glance was something special you didn't take for granted. You both had keen senses, but there was some kind of unexplainable energy that made them align perfectly.

You never let your mind wander on nights like these. On missions. Perhaps if you were less professional you'd take a moment to fantasise about what it would actually be like to go to a party with Loki. If the way he led you through the room with a gentle hand at your waist was more than a ploy to look like an adoring couple, or if he knew your favourite wine because he cared, instead of just having heard you order it a million times before.

He kept things light with jokes and little jabs, never once crossing a boundary when fake-flirting with you, but it wasn't lost on you that it was unusual to have this kind of working relationship that had all of the chemistry with none of the awkwardness. It was almost as if it was second nature now for him to pull you a little closer when you were in a nice dress, considering you'd only worn them in front of him on missions. And so he did pull you closer as you approached the bouncer to give your names.

You spied Nat at the front, leaning around a security guard's shoulder to point to something on his list. She always played her parts so well. She stole a glance at you and Loki through her fake glasses and that was it. No indication she knew you, no special treatment, no way she'd do anything to blow this. She walked up the outdoor staircase as you gave your aliased names to the guard and flashed fake drivers licenses that were pretty much real, considering the government had created them.

Loki declined the arrival champagne for the both of you, immediately leading you to the bar. You looked at him as if to remind him that you weren't here to drink, and his subtle smirk replied that he didn't care. He ordered two glasses of a merlot from the one region in Italy that'd won his respect, passing the glass to you once it was laid on the bar.

"To the finer things," he cheers'ed your glass and you scoffed with a laugh, taking a sip of the wine. The rich flavour burst through your mouth. It was dark and deep, spiced with... with... "Cedar," he offered, reading the analysis on your face. "Rosewood, cedar and some sort of stone-fruit."

"Nectarine."

He smiled and took another sip. "We don't have that on Asgard."

"This wine is good," you nodded as you two turned and deconstructed the room and all of its guests.

It made you kind of sick seeing all of these wealthy people in one place pretending to give a damn about Charlie McDane's birthday. It's not that you liked the guy, not at all, it just felt weird to know that every person in here was the exact kind of person you hunted down. Power-hungry. This mansion may as well be a lion's den. But full of naïve lions, who had no idea two apex predators just walked in.

Just when you started wondering how many people in your line of sight had also committed murder to protect their wealth and power, you saw Natasha give a subtle signal of which way the room with the safe was. Loki saw it too.

It was upstairs, but there wasn't much cover to get upstairs. The great foyer's ceiling was three stories up, the two floors above the ground floor you were on had square balconies that let the people upstairs peer downwards into the masses. Nat's fingers adjusting her hair told you that the room was on the second floor. Thankfully, there were guests on the second floor. Under the guise of admiration for the architecture and a desire to explore the great house, you pointed out works of art to Loki as you ascended the stairs together. When you walked past Natasha she smiled politely, like a good host, and asked if you were enjoying the wine.

"It's most divine. Though, I believe my beloved may be in search of a room to powder her nose."

You would have rolled your eyes at his usual choice of asking for information if you weren't aware that security's eyes were everywhere. Even on the event manager.

"You might find what you need up the stairs, down the first hall, third door on your right."

The way her hands were motioning didn't match her hushed description, so you followed the instructions in her voice instead of the way her hands were telling you.

You allowed Loki to lead you upstairs, down the first hall. When you two were certain there were no eyes, he concealed you two with his magic. The hallway was darkened. He pressed his hand against the lock and unfastened it with an unseen pure magic and you two slipped inside. It was a large office with grand mahogany furniture, decorated exactly as you'd expect Old Money Americans to decorate their office. Right down to the bear head above the fireplace and the first edition novels sitting proudly on the shelf, probably unread by their owners. That also made you a little sick: great words sitting unread as trophies.

Scanning the room for any obvious signs of the safe, your eyes settled on a panel in the wood on the side of the desk. There was a slightly smaller gap in the wood on one side, indicating hinges. You held your hands up to Loki and he conjured thin gloves to grace your fingers, then you pressed gently on the wood to engage the latch. The panel swung open to reveal the safe. Shifting out of the way, Loki took your place and placed a gloved hand on the dial. In less than three seconds, it spun rapidly in each direction before clicking open.

"We should really consider robbing banks," you whispered as the black metal door swung open and you were met with stacks of paper and envelopes.

"Need I remind you I am a Prince? If it's gold you want, darling, say the word."

"Eh," you shrugged, feeling around for the gun. "I meant more for the thrills."

Loki chuckled as your fingers found a familiar-feeling package. You pulled the envelope out and peered inside before showing Loki the sight of a small pistol. He nodded and took it from you carefully, then concealed it in some unknown magical space close to him.

You closed the safe carefully and then your gloves disappeared. Moving quietly back to the door, you listened for several moments to make sure no one was coming. Then, you both slid out and began walking down the hall like a loving couple.

Suddenly, a guard appeared at the end of the hallway. Thinking fast, you opened the closest door to you and pushed Loki inside. There was a shout you vaguely heard before you shut and locked the door again.

"Shit," you hissed. You were in someone's bedroom. Or maybe it was a guest room, considering how clean and un-lived-in it looked. There was a fireplace, like in the office, and a large four-poster bed against one wall. In the middle of the room were two plush couches that faced each other and were side-on to the door. You two walked over to them to get the vantage of being in the centre of the room and quickly searched for an exit.

"I'll cast an illusion," Loki whispered, ready to wave his hands and make it look as if you two weren't here.

"No!" You whispered, eyes wide. "They already saw us come in here. If we disappear, they'll know something's up and lock the place down."

"Then what do you propose?" He held his hands out, annoyingly unbothered by the prospect of blowing a mission. The doorknob twisted and you both snapped your heads towards it, then back at each other.

"Sit," you hissed and shoved him back onto the sofa right behind him. He stumbled and fell with a small indignant noise of surprise. You heard the tinkling of keys and your heart beat in your chest.

"Agent?"

Knowing the security team was about to enter, you acted fast. "I'll never hear the end of this," you mumbled before sliding forward to straddle his lap. His eyebrows shot up his forehead as you wrapped your arms around his shoulder and looked at him with nervous urgency. "Kiss me."

Loki didn't question it, and he certainly didn't need to be told twice. His hands found their place. One at the small of your back, one firmly gripping the hair at the nape of your neck. Then, he pulled you in for a fiery kiss.

You barely heard the door open as you lost yourself in the strength of his hold, the steady and eager grasp with which he held you. His hands found their places as if they'd been there a thousand times before, as if he knew exactly how you'd feel the safest, feel the most desired. You pulled him deeper by the back of his neck and could have sworn he made a small noise of satisfaction.

Oh no.

He kept kissing you, you kept kissing him, even after the head of the security team had cleared his throat a number of times. As much as you knew you'd already sold it, and boy you sold it well, you couldn't bring yourself to pull away. Were all Asgardians this good at kissing, or was it just Loki?

Oh. No.

"HEY!"

The sudden loud command pulled you away and, much to your internal mortification, you didn't need to feign how flustered you were.

"O-oh my," you squeaked and looked up at the man, blushing profusely.

Okay, the squeak was fake, but it felt almost real.

You stayed put where you were straddling Loki's lap and grimaced when you saw Natasha, still in character, entering the room. "What's going on, I need you downstairs to- oh!" She looked a little taken aback by your position atop the prince who, you were fuming to see from the corner of your eye, had the audacity to be smirking.

"My apologies," Loki drawled in his growly regal voice, trailing his hands around to your sides. "I simply couldn't control myself, seeing my queen in this dress..." He punctuated it with an "Mmph" and a firm squeeze at your hips. You flinched and squirmed a bit under the ticklish touch, trying to keep your composure but letting a small giggle slip out. Then, catching the pleased and mischievous glint in his eye, you dug your nails into the back of his shoulder to warn him off trying that again.

"This room's off limits," the guard tilted his head towards the door and you made to move your way off of Loki's lap. Instead, with his incredible strength, he stood with his hands still at your hips, lifting you to your feet before turning and wrapping an arm around your waist.

He looked the guard up and down, "Of course, good sir." You bit your lip and blushed, cowering in Loki's hold as you exited the room together. Nat smirked at you and winked before proceeding to fall back into character and tell the guards there was a belligerent drunk man downstairs needing to be kicked out. That man would be Wilson, who was playing his part as tipsy distraction.

Loki led you down the hall and you rounded a corner, then you broke off from him and held a hand to your chest. "That was too close," you breathed deeply once, then met his eye. You glared when he saw him smirking at you.

"Do I have lipstick on my face?" He asked, feigning worry.

"Oh, shut up," you swatted his shoulder. "I did what I had to do."

"I never knew you had the passion in you, Agent," Loki smirked again. You glared once more and peeked around the corner, only to jump and hold in a yelp as Loki's pinching fingers found your hip. "I also never knew you were so ticklish."

"That's not something people advertise- cut it ouhout!" You swatted his hand and squirmed away from him as he prodded his fingers into your side. "We have the gun, let's get out of here."

"Tsk, you're no fun," Loki scoffed.

You exited the party and made your way down the block towards the van, knowing that Nat's glasses had broadcast at least the last part of your little tussle with Loki. Steeling yourself as you gripped the handle, you reminded yourself that you were a professional, and this was sometimes a hazard of the job. You needed to play it cool when the eventual teasing came.

"Hey, lovebirds," Tony quipped the second he saw your faces.

"Hey," you chuckled, stepping inside and removing your heels the second you found your seat. "We got it."

"Here," Loki closed the door behind him and pulled the enveloped gun from the magical space he'd hidden it. "So you saw the Agent's display of passion, did you?"

"You wound me, Loki," you deadpanned. "I thought we had a mutual connection."

Perhaps those words were a mistake considering all the truth behind them. However, all the best lies were founded on truth, and for now you needed to convince everyone in the van that you weren't totally freaking out because you'd felt the most passionate attraction you'd had in years with a former villain. I mean... how predictable.

Loki looked at you suspiciously as he took his seat, but something in his gaze told you he wasn't going to prod deeper on this. Not right now, at least. Not in front of everyone.

Nat and Sam joined the fray five minutes later and you all got a move-on back to the Compound. Nat poked more fun at the position she'd found you two in, and you laughed good-naturedly at all their jokes. Loki was uncharacteristically silent, and seemed to always be looking at you when you laughed and instinctively checked to see if he was laughing too.

The jokes shifted to Sam and the wine he spilled down his shirt, then the conversation shifted to the next steps of what to do with the gun, then you all arrived back.

Tony got to work dismantling his rig, declining your help, and so you took your field weapons over to the cabinet to put them back in their places. As you were unclipping the magazine from your pistol, you felt a presence behind the door. You peered around to see Loki.

"What's up?" You raised your eyebrows and snapped the case shut, then closed the door.

He looked at you meaningfully, quizzically, but didn't say anything.

"Okay..." you chuckled uncomfortably and put the latch on the door in place. "I'm going to shower."

You made to walk past him but he grabbed your upper arm, stopping you by his side. Facing different ways, he leaned in a little closer and spoke quietly. "I can spot a lie from lightyears away."

Turning to look at him, you'd probably have been caught off-guard by how close his face was if it hadn't been for the events of earlier. You shrugged, pulling your arm from his grasp. "I didn't lie."

He scoffed and also turned to look at you, eyes flitting once down to your lips, then back up to pierce your gaze with his. "You know what I meant."

You were proud of how composed you kept yourself when you shrugged again and kept walking, swallowing hard.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Never one to waste water, you took an uncharacteristically long shower. Haphazardly smearing face wash over your skin to scrub the makeup off, scrub away the flustered energy. But no amount of scrubbing could help you forget the feeling of his kiss, and shampooing the hairspray from your head only made you remember the feeling of his fingers in your hair.

You reminded yourself that it had been a very long time since you'd kissed someone. You were probably just desperate, definitely a little touch-starved in general, so the fact that it was Loki didn't matter as much as the fact that it had happened.

That's what you told yourself over and over as you threw on sweatpants and a soft long-sleeved shirt. It was cold and the marble floors could be unforgiving, so you thought it best to go for fluffy socks, but then pulled some slippered boots over the top. You didn't bother brushing your wet hair, letting it fall where it wanted as you made your way to the kitchen.

"That smells good," you commented as Nat pulled some dish out of the oven.

"Mmm," she agreed with an excited smile. "Nico is my favourite," she admitted slyly, referring to one of the chefs Pepper would call in to prepare a bunch of heatable meals during busy periods. Delivery app drivers would probably cancel the order if you tried, thinking it must be a joke that a super solider was asking for a Big Mac to be delivered to the Avengers Compound. Besides, by the time it was scanned and made sure to not contain a deadly poison, it would be cold and stale. "There's enough for you too," Nat said, pulling out another plate and serving you a steaming slice of vegetarian lasagne.

"Thanks," you smiled, still a little distracted. Of course, with someone as perceptive as Nat, that wouldn't be allowed to slip by.

She leaned against the counter and poked at her meal, not meeting your eye to keep it less direct. "You alright?"

"Hmm?" You looked up, and so did she, then you looked back down to your food and shrugged. It was no use lying to her. "I think I'm lonely," you laughed humourlessly, nervously, sadly.

"The kiss got to you," she said knowingly, placing her fork down to give you her full attention. You didn't return the favour, nervous about what you'd say if you were really talking about this. Which, as long as you were here eating dinner, you weren't really talking about it.

"It's not like I haven't kissed a fellow Agent before to keep cover," you sighed a little, shaking your head. "It's just been a while, I guess, since I've had... anything... or, someone."

"I get that," she nodded, picking up her fork again. You two ate in silence for several moments. "This is really good," she declared through an extra-large mouthful. You chuckled and nodded, swallowing another bite. After several more moments, she said quietly, "It's okay if you felt something."

That made you choke a bit. Noticeably, unfortunately. You shook your head, but didn't deny it. "No. It's not okay."

"Why not?" She asked as if you were crazy.

"It's not okay," you repeated firmly, stabbing your fork again at the lasagna. "It's not."

Before she could attempt to pry for more information, Thor and Loki entered the kitchen together. Great.

"Good evening," Thor beamed a toothless smile.

"There's more in the fridge if you're hungry," you looked up at them in an attempt to not seem as regressed in on yourself as you felt. Thor looked at your plate and nodded in approval, opening the fridge. Then you looked at Loki, fully expecting to see some kind of calculating stare as before, but his expression was soft. He looked you over, probably noticing your out-of-character hunched posture and the way your head hung a little lower than usual, and he gave you a look that was subtly laced with sympathy.

Now that made your blood boil. Who was he to feel sorry for you?

He seemed to notice the way your jaw clenched under his gaze, and opened his mouth to say something but Thor spoke first.

"There's a film Stark wants us all to watch this evening."

Nat chuckled, finishing off her dinner. "You say that like he's showing us training videos. He's just trying to bond the team over some cheesy nineties movie." She looked at you and nodded to your clothes. "You look ready for a movie night."

Before you could explain that you'd rather go to bed, Thor beamed again. "Excellent, then! We'll all be there."

Thor was always kind to you, so you didn't want to disappoint him over something so inconsequential. You smiled warmly at him and nodded. "I'm gonna go claim a good spot," you excused yourself, aware it was almost time for it to start. You quickly did your dishes and left the kitchen, making sure to get a seat on a large armchair so you made it clear you'd rather have some personal space right now, even though it was the exact opposite of what you wanted. Maybe it would be good for you though, to remember that you were alone for a reason. That this life you chose wasn't kind too love.

Gods, love. Why did you think of that word, of all the ones out there. You were spiralling. Sentiment, you corrected yourself with a swift reprimand. Sentiment, loneliness, desperation.

You busied yourself chatting to Wanda as people filtered in, taking note of how she seamlessly wove herself in and around Vision as they sat on a two-seater next to you. Determined not to look at or think of Loki or romance or kissing or anything like that, you trained your eyes on the screen as the movie started.

But you spiralled.

There were these two main characters in the movie with this undeniable bickering co-worker chemistry that reminded you of Loki, the jokes he’d whisper into your ear during meetings, the harmless mischief he’d pull to make you laugh, the way his hand felt at your lower back- NO. You couldn’t think about that.

Wanda and Vision were in your line of sight from the corner of your eye and you saw her fingers lace through his, you then saw him place a silent kiss on the crown of her head. Biting down on your tongue, you remembered Nat and Bruce, Pepper and Tony, Thor and Jane, Clint and Laura. All those people who seemed to find love, even temporary love, in the midst of all this madness.

So maybe it wasn’t this life. Maybe it was just… you.

Biting your tongue a little harder, you reminded yourself how powerless you were compared to all these super-people. Sure, many of them were human like you, but all the other humans seemed to have someone who loved them.

It felt hopeless, knowing the only person in this room who you wanted close was so extraordinarily out of your league. He was a god. You were a human. Your life was a flicker compared to his, of course he’d never waste time indulging the likes of you.

But it felt real.

Halfway through the movie you decided you couldn’t sit there and see these buddy-cop characters fall in love. You couldn’t watch Wanda and Vision so enamoured with each other. What you needed was to hit something hard, and then go to sleep. So you excused yourself without a word or a glance at anyone. It was late, anyway. You weren’t even the first one to leave.

A turn of a black-haired form told you that Loki noticed you leaving, but the lack of footsteps behind you as you walked down the silent hall told you that he hadn’t followed you.

Slipping into your room and then into some workout clothes, you jammed your headphones into your ears and put on some classical music; you weren't sure you could stand to hear any words right now. You laced your shoes a little tighter than normal and practically sprinted to the gym, very unwilling to have anyone notice you were gone and decide to come check on you.

Hitting the bag felt good. It was the perfect consolation prize for what you'd actually prefer right now, but with every crushing of your knuckles against the thick canvas you found it easier to forget how it felt to have your fingers looped through his hair. The sweat dripping down your face replaced the feeling of his breath against your skin when you'd broken the kiss, and the aching in your obliques from your tensing and turning to hit the bag took the place of any memory of his hands at your waist. The aching was here, and he was almost gone.

After a half-hour of interval sprints, it was just past midnight and you were exhausted. Not knowing how you felt about no one coming to check on you, you traipsed back to your room in silence. The faint echoing of your footsteps through the hallways made you quiet yourself further, stepping as lightly as you could to prove to yourself that you were still a good spy. Good spies don't get caught up with feelings. Your footsteps fell, dead quiet, and you regained some confidence.

Your muscles stung the next morning but in a delightful way. You'd treated yourself to another hot shower when you got back to your room, so this morning it would probably be best to have an icy one.

As the cold water hit your skin, you felt okay again. The boxing and running last night had really shaken everything out of you, only the smallest lingering of lonely desire remained and it could easily be ignored. Of course, that was easy to say. The second you walked into the kitchen to see that Loki had heard you coming and poured you a coffee you felt a tug at your chest.

His hands closed around the mug to pass it to you and you remembered how his fingers had closed around your waist. He smiled good morning and you remembered how his lips felt against yours. Holding it all in, you smiled and took the coffee, then proceeded to have a short conversation with him like a normal person would. He made jokes about last night, but not about that, and you chuckled at them. After perhaps too short a time for how long you usually chatted, you excused yourself to go do some paperwork. You caught the way his brow furrowed a little, but he didn't question you.

The next few days were more or less like this. You'd try to engage with Loki normally but spiral a little more, convincing yourself that the more you continued like you always had, the more normal things would be again. But he was just so... beautiful. Everything about him was beautiful and now you couldn't help but notice.

One evening, nearly a week after you'd kissed, you were having a bit of a vulnerable day and you walked into the kitchen for some ice cream. Loki had just finished cleaning up after his dinner and turned to say hello, but you couldn't do it. You just turned and walked right back out again. He called after you but you didn't stop. It's not like you were going to cry in front of him, but you just couldn't do this right now.

Seeking refuge in your bedroom, you shut the door and slid down to the floor with your back against it. An immediate soft knock frustrated you, especially knowing who it probably was. You sighed and stood.

“Hey,” you greeted Loki with a nod when you opened the door, immediately turning away to make it look like you were about to do something else. “What’s up?”

Loki stepped into the room and closed the door behind him, which made you stop and give him your attention. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah,” you lied.

He squinted for the faintest second and smiled a little sadly. “Light years,” he reminded you how he could spot a lie without harshly calling you out. It pained you that he didn’t. That his lack of sarcasm indicated that he saw you as a bit fragile right now.

You sighed a little and ducked your head to the side, conceding the point. “I’m a little haywire,” you admitted. “I think I need to get some stress out and go to sleep.”

”What troubles you?”

Ah. What a question.

You didn’t want to shut him out, but you certainly didn’t know how to explain that one simple kiss undercover had brought a massive crashing wave of insecurity and anxiety that made you feel completely unlovable. Or... maybe you could just say that?

You were silent for so long that Loki spoke again.

“I’d like to offer my apologies,” he said very diplomatically. “If I overstepped the bounds of our relationship.”

“I’m the one that made you kiss me,” you winced. “I should be apologising.”

”I didn’t mean that,” Loki shook his head. “I meant after, when we returned. When I cornered you.”

You had to laugh. “You didn’t corner me, Loki. I appreciate you wanting to make me feel better but you have nothing to apologise for.”

”Very well. But you didn’t make me,” he replied firmly.

“I know, I know…” you rolled your eyes. “A god submits to no one, I just meant that I put you in a situation that I shouldn’t have. Believe me, I’m paying the price.”

That last part came out a little faster than you’d intended it to. In fact, you didn’t really mean to say that last part out loud at all. Or maybe you did. What a perfect Freudian Slip. Quickly collecting yourself, you spotted your headphones and went to pick them up but noticed that Loki was taking slow steps towards you.

”Paying the price?” He asked carefully. You stopped and folded your arms, shrugging.

“People poke fun, you know.” You bit your tongue. Then, you saw him smirk a little. Ah. Lightyears.

“I thought we had a mutual connection,“ he raised his eyebrows, teasing you with your joke from That Night. You gave him a firm stare, but couldn’t help but notice he wasn’t that far away now.

“Loki, that was-“

“A thinly veiled truth,” he interjected, leaving no room for debate. He also left very little room between the two of you. You opened your mouth to respond, seemed to not be able to, and he smirked at your speechlessness.

"Y-you can't." You shook your head. "There's no way."

"There's no way, what?" A smiled tugged at his lips at the way your eyes widened when he took a strand of your hair and wrapped it once around his finger.

"... Mutual?"

“Now that we won’t be interrupted…” he brought his hand up next to his face, flourished it, and you heard your door’s lock click shut. You held your breath as a mischievous grin graced his lips.

Oh gods, you were looking at his lips. You couldn't seem to look away.

He lowered his voice to a gruff whisper. “Might we finish what we started?”

With the smallest nod of your head, he immediately ducked his head to press his lips against yours. Your small noise of surprise made him pull away for a second and grin, before he playfully growled and lifted you from the ground. His eyes stayed trained on yours as he walked a few steps and firmly shoved your back against the wall. Your breath hitched as his hand found that place at the back of your neck, and this time, you kissed him. Eagerly, hungrily, feeling so overwhelmingly euphoric that this was even happening.

It had to be a dream, you thought as his lips trailed along your jawline, his hot breath hit your neck and his strong unwavering arms kept you above the ground and level with his gaze. He kissed you not just like a god or a great lover - he kissed you like he wanted you. Like he‘d also been waiting to do this for an unspeakable amount of time. It felt like relief.

Pulling you both back from the wall, Loki's lips didn’t relent as your fingers tangled once again in his hair. He walked backwards and found his seat on the end of your bed, sitting with you in his lap as he had at the party.

“Gods, you enrapture me,“ he pulled away, a little breathless. He grinned and his eyes were hazy. He looked at you intensely before looking back at your lips, subconsciously slipping out his tongue to wet his own. Before you could respond, he was kissing you again. You could have melted into his touch. In fact, you were fairly certain you just might.

He leaned back and you both fell onto the bed, you on top of him. You laughed at the sudden impact and you pulled away for a few seconds to catch your breath. You looked at his adoring gaze and blushed. “I never thought someone like you could want someone like me.”

He furrowed his brow, unsure if you were about to reference his nefarious past.

”You’re so… mighty. You’re a Prince, a god, you’re wickedly smart and powerful and… and I’m just a human.”

“Watch your tongue,” Loki scolded somewhat seriously and held you a little tighter. “Don’t speak of yourself as if you’re insignificant.”

You rolled your eyes and smiled, giving him a look. “You know what I mean.”

“Of course I do, I’m wickedly smart,” he smirked and you playfully swatted at his chest. He smiled contentedly and ran his hands firmly down your sides to settle at your hips. It was an innocent romantic gesture, one to position you for further making-out with Loki, but your eyes widened at the memory of his discovery the previous weekend and the assumption that the God of Mischief was about to turn the tables.

Unluckily for you, your flustered expression rendered it a self-fulfilling prophesy.

“Loki…” You warned as you saw the glint in his eye.

“That’s right…” His smirk widened to a devilish grin.

”How about you keep kissing me, huh?” You laughed nervously and leaned in closer. Loki laughed and nodded, bringing his hand up to cradle the back of your neck as you pressed your lips to his. Once your arms were around his neck, he deepened the kiss and rolled over, putting you underneath him. Still on the edge of the bed, your feet barely skimmed the floor. Then, he suddenly became the classic Loki you knew.

“Mmmhmhm!” You whined and giggled a little into the kiss as the fingers belonging to his arm around your waist started ever so gently scratching at your side. “Mmnnoho!” You broke away and gave him a pouting look. He lifted his head and smirked.

Gods. He’d never looked so unspeakably hot.

Messy curls framing his face, that look he gave you that said You’re In Trouble in his distinct Loki way, mixed with the desire in his piercing blue eyes; you’d gladly endure his torture if it meant he looked at you like that.

But maybe that’s because you had no idea what was coming.

“Darling,” he cocked his head and kissed your cheek before kissing just below your ear. “I am the God of Mischief….“ he kissed your neck in a way that you were sure was intended to tickle. You giggled and bit your lip. “And now that I've got my hands on you, you simply cannot expect me to not exploit this little weakness to its fullest extent.”

“L-Loki!” You blushed at the very real threat and he chuckled.

“How about you guide me, hmm? Where should I start?”

“I’m not playing this game,” you laughed nervously, squirming a bit underneath him and resting your hands on his shoulders to push away the ticklish kisses.

“Aw, come now,” he lifted his head and that same beautiful smirk made your heart beat quick. His hand behind your neck slid down under your shoulder blade until it sat at your upper ribs. You stole a glance down to where it may be, even though you couldn’t see it. He cocked his head again. “No? Alright, I’ll choose.” With a wink his thumb slipped around the side and up into the hollow under your arm.

“LOKI!” You gasped, clamped your arm down from instinct and immediately started squirming and giggling, even though his thumb wasn’t even moving. He grinned again and kissed your lips once more.

“You've been down all week, love. Let's have a bit of fun,” he whispered, then sprang his hand at your waist into action, scratching and grabbing at the soft skin hidden beneath your shirt. You gasped again and started laughing softly, then squeaked when his thumb started wiggling into the hollow under your arm.

"NOHOHO!" You shut your eyes and then squealed loudly when his fingers underneath you began clawing into the back of your uppermost ribs. Damnit, you thought he may start easy on you, not go for three different places at once. You were already in a desperate cackle, bubbling incoherent pleas spilling from your lips as you writhed underneath his amused self.

"I'm honestly delighted you're so ticklish," Loki teased with a chuckle. "It's adorable, really. So professional all the time, yet..." He finished his sentence by intensifying his touch and speed at all three sites of attack, drawing a small shriek from your laughing lips and a jolt from your body. "Has it always been this easy to undo you?"

“OHMYGOHOD!” You shrieked, throwing your head against the bed and trying to buck your upper body against him to no avail. He paused his torture and kissed you deeply again, lips curled into a smile as he pressed his lips to yours. You shook your head and broke away, still laughing. “Youhou’re ridiculous! We were hahaving such a nice moment and y-you ruined ihit,” you whimpered. He kissed to again to silence your complaints.

“What did you expect?”

“I-I expected a nice romantic moment!” You laughed and brought both arms between you and him to shove at his shoulders. “Now,” you gave him a stern look. “Do you want to tickle me, or kiss me? You can only choose one.”

He scoffed. “I don’t do ultimatums, darling.”

“You do now.”

“Bold.“ He stuck his tongue against his cheek then ducked his head to the side in consideration. He then looked at your face, which you’d been attempting to hold in some semblance of a firm glare. He lowered his lips to your ear and you heard him chuckle once. “Far too bold for someone so ticklish.”

He whipped his arms out from under you and pressed his weight down again, trapping your arms between your bodies as he clawed into the front and sides of your lowest ribs.

“NOHOAHAH!” You immediately fell into desperate belly-laughter as his fingers drilled and clawed into the spaces between your bones. Your feet kicked helplessly, merely grazing the ground as laughter kept spilling from you. “NOHO! NO! LOKIHI I CAHAN’T!” He shifted his hands further up your ribcage and snuck his fingers around to dig in at the back and, after one more shriek, your laughter went silent. It was trapped in your chest as his squeezing and vibrating fingers found every sensitive space on your ribs that made you want to melt into a little puddle. You were gasping for air by the time he halted his attack, squeaking and wheezing as you tried to regain your breath.

It was torture, but you hoped he wouldn’t ask you if it was worth enduring to have him this close. If he could spot a lie from lightyears away, how much easier could he spot it when he was close enough for you to see the flecks of green in his eyes.

”You’re… you’re gonna kill me,” you hiccoughed. He smirked and leaned in for another kiss. “Nuh-uh,” you pulled your finger up as much as you could from where your arms were trapped. “You made your choice.”

He grinned and slid his hands down your sides with a wink, "Oh? Then I'll gladly continue."

"W-w-wait! I dihidn't th-WAHAIT!"

His thumbs drilled relentlessly into your hips as Loki joined in with your loud laughter. You finally managed to wiggle your arms out from where they were trapped at your chest, shooting them down to grab at his fingers. Your feet having no traction and his near entire weight pressing you to the bed made it impossible to buck or lift any part of your torso, so you were completely trapped with nowhere to go as he gripped and grabbed at the skin of your hips, kneading at the pressure points that made you squeak and squirm beneath him.

When he tired of your fingers trying to grab his, he did a devilish swift lift of his own body and slotted his hands between the two of you, settling them palms-down over the majority of your belly. You made a huge gasping noise and started frantically giggling and squealing even before he'd moved his hands. You shook your head and begged for him to kiss you instead, nervous high-pitched giggles interlacing your words.

"N-noho, Loki just kihiss me, kiss me plehease! PLEASE!" You squeaked, cupping his cheeks and gently pulling him towards you. He chuckled and grinned, gently digging a few fingers in just once. You thrashed and renewed your struggling and squealing efforts. "Dohon't you DAHARE! I won't kiss you agahain if you do this!" You threatened. He cocked his head and leaned in a little closer to look deep into your eyes. Then, he grinned and whispered:

"Lightyears."

You thought for certain you'd pass out from laughter when Loki's fingers sprang into action and rippled against your hypersensitive stomach. You laughed loudly, completely powerless to stop his fingers from digging in wherever they pleased. After not much time at all, your laughter went silent and you weakly batted at his shoulders, sides, face, anything your hands could find for themselves since your eyes were shut so tight. Any words your brain even began to think of forming got lost as laughter ripped through your chest from the electric intensity of his fingers against your body.

When your hands finally found both sides of his face, you used all the energy you had left to press your laughing lips against his and, finally, he relented. You fell back with a loud gasp as he retracted his hands with an amused chuckle and took his weight mostly off you, propping himself up with a hand planted either side of your head.

"Alright there, darling?" He teased as you coughed weakly and wiped the tears of mirth from your cheeks. You gave him a scowl, but he found it adorable.

"Thihis isn't fair," you crossed your arms defiantly.

"No?" He smirked. "Pray tell, my love. What isn't fair?"

Oh. My love. His love.

That took any breath you'd managed to get back in your lungs.

"Y-you... you..." But your words were lost in the bliss of being his. He seemed to quickly understand how his words touched your heart, and it softened his teasing demeanour, and softened his smirk into a smile. "You found my worst spots so soon," you managed to murmur through rosy cheeks.

"Was only a matter of time."

"But now you have the upper hand."

"Dear heart, this isn't a struggle for power," he laughed heartily. "I do not seek to rule over you. Anything you ask of me, anything in the Nine Realms, I will give to you."

"Tell me where you're ticklish."

He chuckled and pressed a chaste kiss to your lips before falling down beside you. He hummed in contentment as he wrapped his arms around your waist to pull you as close as you could be.

"Anything but that."

[haltandcatchfiretothemax]

[CN: food/eating; alcohol/drinking mention; grief/deceased parents]

.

Headcanon that in 1995, Cameron shows up at Donna’s house at 6pm on her own birthday, ready for their nightly work date, but that Donna comes to the door in a neon rainbow cardboard party hat with a unicorn on it, and party favors in both hands

Cameron sees her through the glass of the door, and Donna smiles brightly at her, and blows loudly into her cardboard party horn, making its paper fringe wave wildly, and shakes her clackety hand-shaped thing. Eyes wide with panic, Cameron turns on her heel, about to speed walk back to her truck

Donna throws open the door, reaches out, grabs the back of her shirt, and yanks her into the house, with a “Don’t you fvcking dare, Cameron!” Staggering backwards, Cameron flails into the house, just managing to catch her balance. “Okay fine, fine,” she gives up. Standing up straight and shrugging it off, dusting off her coat, she says, “Fine, it’s my birthday. There. We’ve acknowledged it.” Throwing her hands up, she begs “Can we move on?”

Pulling a face of irritated disdain, Donna fusses, “No, we cannot move on. And we shan’t!” She ushers Cameron into the kitchen, where a chicken pot pie that she prepped the night before is cooling on the counter. Smiling glumly, Cameron jokes, “Honey, you shouldn’t have!” Donna argues, “Of course I should have,” as she takes her bag and her coat. 

They eat at the kitchen island, where Donna says, “You must have at least one good birthday memory.” Cameron shovels a forkful of chicken and carrot into her mouth, and shakes her head. Swallowing, she insists, “I really haven’t celebrated in a long time. We didn’t celebrate much after, you know…we got the news about my dad. And then, my mom made me have a sweet 16. Which wasn’t exactly huge, but it was big enough. And there was a lot of booze. I doubt my mom actually remembers it. She definitely doesn’t remember how miserable I was in the foofy dress she made me wear.”

Donna frowns as she gets up to refill her glass with water from the refrigerator door. “Okay. But what about more recently? Did you celebrate when you lived in Japan?” When she gets back to the table, Cameron half-grins, “Not really. But that first year was nice. We didn’t really know anyone yet, so, Tom and I, we just spent the day together, at our apartment. And I was sad, sure, but he didn’t mind it, he thought it was just, you know, homesickness, or whatever. We ordered in and we had big bowls of ramen for dinner that night, and we turned on the tv and tried to find something that we could understand, but, we couldn’t make sense of anything that was on, but it was funny? I don’t know, it was weirdly fun. I didn’t feel any pressure, or anything like that.”

Spooning a bit more of the pot pie onto her plate, and then more onto Cameron’s plate, Donna asks, “Pressure?” Helping herself to more of the pie, Cameron takes her time with more eating and chewing, and then says, “Yeah. You know. Like, when you feel like you need to make people think that you seem happy, and like you’re having a good time and you’re a ‘normal’ person, or whatever.” Sipping from her glass of water, Donna side-eyes her, and then says, “I never really got the sense that you struggled with that kind of pressure. But, I guess that’s the front you have to put up when people think you’re weird.” Sighing huffily, Donna adds, “I also never thought you were weird, though. Different, sure. But not in a bad way. And then you also turned out to be brilliant.” This makes Cameron grin tentatively, and blush slightly.

“I am weird, though,” Cameron frowns. “I’m a 34 year old girl who misses her dad all the time.” This makes Donna think of all the times she got annoyed with Cameron for being ‘immature.’ Gently, she says, “Of course you miss him. I think it would be weirder if you didn’t. If people don’t get that….” With another sigh, she gets up, and picks up their cleared plates, and brings them to the sink. 

“I just really wish he was here. You know?” Slouching sadly in her chair, Cameron says, “Even with all the mistakes I’ve made, he’d be proud of me.” Over by the sink, Donna turns back to face Cameron again, and says, “Of course he would. I wish he was here too, for you. But if he can’t be, well, I’m glad that I can be here with you.” Holding back tears, Cameron nods, and then looks down into her lap. Turning away again to find some tin foil to put on the remaining pot pie and give Cameron some privacy, Donna adds, “I also hope that it gets…I don’t know. Easier? I hope you’ll be able to enjoy things more, at some point.”

Before Cameron can respond, the doorbell rings, startling her. Donna smiles broadly, and says, “Hey, I think you should get that!” Flatly, Cameron says, “If that’s a crowd of our friends waiting to yell ‘surprise!’ I’ll consider it yet another unforgivable betrayal,” but gets up and goes to the door. She sees Bos standing outside, in a suit, bolo tie, and stetson, holding a cake carrier in his hands. She lets him in, and just as Donna joins them, Bos says, “Now, i was given very specific instructions to get a store-bought red velvet cake, but, I had some time, and I could not in good conscience let my mother’s recipe go to waste….” As soon as Donna takes the carrier from him, Cameron throws her arms around him, and hugs him tightly. 

Bos hugs her back, and when he feels Cameron starting to cry again, he gently says, “It’s just a little cake, darlin.’” She starts to weep openly. Over her shoulder, he tells Donna, “Looks like Ol’ Waterworks here is gonna need a minute.” Donna sets the cake down on the dining room table, and goes to fetch some plates, spoons, and her fancy silver cake server set that she never gets to use. When she returns, Cameron and Bos are sitting at the table together, and Cameron is laughing at something he’s just said. Donna beams at them.

Just as they’re about to cut the cake, the front door opens again. “We’re here!” Haley shouts. Rushing inside with Vanessa, she calls out, “Did we miss it?” Donna excitedly replies, “No, you’re just in time!” 

Cameron convinces them to not sing “Happy Birthday” to her, but can’t stop Donna from leading everyone in a quick but rousing round of “For She’s A Jolly Good Fellow” 

They all enjoy cake and coffee, and Cameron suddenly feels very lucky. She sort of wants to cry again, both because she misses her father, and because she’s actually happy to be there. As she sits there, listening to everyone talk and joke and laugh, she imagines an alternate universe where her father is alive, but she still somehow wound up at Austin Tech, and then Cardiff Electric, and then Mutiny, and then right there, with those exact people, in Donna’s house.