#its jsut the fact that they are so close to me right now and so many of these uk shows would be doable for me

[i-like-gay-books]

dont tell me about paramore in cardiff dont do it!!!!

[kanonavi]

hello tumblr user kanonavi who is 1/3rd of the reason i started rereading tgcf. i have come to collect my personal apology for the emotional damages inflicted upon me for the past 5 days. and i have also come with THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS (mostly feelings)

- icb i put off this reread so long hualian are so romance. theyre jsut Romance......... absolutely floored by every throwaway bit of dialogue they had....... in shambles forever....,

- sqx arc was not as painful as the first few times i read it bc i now stand with my cancelled wife (he xuan) I STILL LOVE SQX AND THEY DESERVE EVERYTHING GOOD. BUT HX WAS REAL FOR ALL OF THAT. i love revenge

- i wanna know your thoughts on ling wen bc u mentioned having mixed feelings on her but i loved her so bad all the way to the end so im curious ljdkdjf

- i am not immune to backstory arc pt2. read it last last (?) night at like 3am and cried myself to sleep its just so gutting every timeeeeeee.... the hc plot that builds in that arc is ofc one of my favorites in the entire novel though :')

- the chapter w the cave of statues took me like 2+ hours to get through because i was feeling so insane abt it

i feel bad dropping this block of text in ur askbox sorry. will leave it there for now LOL

Omg hiiiii tumblr user stardust-make-a-wish welcome back from the yaoi cocaine pit :3 I know you're here to collect emotional damages, but I must make it known that I'm not even remotely sorry <3

Also you should feel bad for yourself instead of for me because I can only respond to huge blocks of text with even bigger blocks of text, so (TGCF Spoilers Ahead) and also I am so sorry lmaooooo

UGH you're so right that hualian is the most romance forever they are just so *clenches fists and sobs*....... They're always there for each other and they're so in love and they've been through so much and I just want them to be able to rest because it's what they deserve.

I will never once say that Hu Xuan wasn't justified in everything he did cuz like. Shi Wudu had it coming what a piece of shit. But at the same time Qingxuan is my wife and I will not tolerate my wife being harmed. So like revenge slay yes but also I am still cancelling He Xuan and spraying him with the water bottle (even though he is already very very damp).

Yesyesyes Ling Wen. So my thought about Ling Wen is that she kinda girlbossed a little too close to the sun, but at the same time you look at her circumstances both past and present and have to understand why she did all of that. It already would have been hard enough for her to gain any kind of recognition as a woman, much less in the Heavenly Court, so her ruthlessness is completely understandable. But at the same time, I don't really think the Brocade Immortal deserved what she did to him nor was taking Bai Wuxiang's side in the final conflict a real cool thing of her to do. I can't fully be a hater though because her own thoughts about everything are clearly so nuanced (See: The final convo she had with Xie Lian about the Brocade Immortal, which I am still thinking so incredibly hard about to this day).

I think that Ling Wen is interesting in the same way that I find other characters like Mu Qing, He Xuan, and Yin Yu interesting. It's in the sense that even if I don't really agree with all of the actions that they took, it's very easy to look at them and come to an understanding of why they did what they did. And I have varying degrees of like for all of the characters I just listed, but that doesn't change the fact that they're all Compelling. So it's almost like a begrudging respect that I feel for Ling Wen, if I were to boil it down into simple terms.

aaaaaaaaaa The Horrors(tm) :sob: Even though I could talk about Xie Lian's arc through that part of his backstory for a million years, you're so right that Hua Cheng's arc through it is also so interesting to watch. It really goes to prove that Hua Cheng is different from everyone else in Xie Lian's life up until this point, because yes there's the very obvious throughline of Hua Cheng wanting to protect Xie Lian (rather than expecting his protection), but even more importantly that feeling never changes even when Xie Lian has his mini corruption arc.

Like, Hua Cheng fell in love with the pure and virtuous Crown Prince of Xianle but not for that quality. Instead of being ashamed and looking at Xie Lian with scorn when he was like "What if I kill everyone actually" Hua Cheng is like "Then let me be your sword". There's the element of not wanting Xie Lian to dirty himself that Hua Cheng carries for the entire story but the point is in that he is not a voice who would tell Xie Lian to stop having those thoughts if it's truly what he wants (Unlike what his parents or Feng Xin and Mu Qing would probably say).

I'm going to write an essay about their character dynamic one day istg I am chewing through the drywall

The cave statues chapter......... *passes away*. Like on one hand that chapter is so funny because yes Hua Cheng is just an absolute certified freak (POV my roommate telling me earlier on in my reading that HC is a porn addict and me being like "pssht noooo" but then getting to this chapter several months later and being like "O h.") but on the other hand THE CONFESSION??????? Like. All I can do is gesture wildly at the storyboard animatic that someone made of that scene on YouTube while absolutely fucking sobbing. There is a reason why the cover of volume 6 felt somehow more intimate than the cover of volume 4 where they're literally making out.

Anyway I'm patting Hua Cheng on the head like It's okay buddy Xie Lian loves you because you're a certified freak, he's seen too much of this world to be weirded out even a little bit. Which is why those two are perfect for each other <3

I'm glad you had so much fun on your reread, have fun with the brainworms :3

[fairytale-poll]

i am here to show a few reasons why cinders ouatis does, in fact, qualify as a cinerella.

(btw htis is not to pcik a fight or to be rude to that anon, i would sjut like to show that there are several thigns the propaganda did not speak of that qualified her for the position, if she's meant to follow all the cinerellea tropes.)

first, her story, then how it falls into line with what makes a cinderella.

so, her mom died. that's. that's kidna a big stapple in msot cinderallas. her dad (the king btw, i promise it's kinda important) remarried to her "wicked stepmother" and then had new stepsisters as well (wicked in quotes. they're- ok. there's a lot)

in the era of a war against king Cole, cole ended up taking over her kingdom/planet, with the help of her stepsisters and step mother, and they kinda turned her in ("wicked" part). she was then thrown into jail.

(also her love interest was, at least in popular theories since it wasn't explicetly stated, one of the commanding officers in the raid.)

rose, her love interest ("Prince Charming" but yk princess bc lesbians yippee!), got to know her a bit while she was still in prison, and there was like a lot of unresolved everything.

then a "godmother in white" (snow, rose's sister, or at least that's how i interpreted it, however it could very well be general white or whatever her title was that snow ended up adopting) broke her out the day that rose was resasigned and leaving planet. the godmother told her that if she and rose were married by midnight, then they woul be able to be together bc idk laws ig? (i mean, i've nevre heard of laws that allow that but yk ok why not)

then at the wedding cole ended up kidnapping rose and cinders fled (she also feels really guilty about this, but if you read the fiction for it, im pretty sure it said that rose had told her to run) and was one fo the few survivers of the everything that happened there.

then she spends the rest of her years hunting down rose wiht this like... mood ring? at least it kinda works like one i think.

then when she finally finds rose agin.... um.

well, i'll let you listen to the album.

(it's sad.)

NOW HERE'S WHERE THINGS OVERLAP

again, the remarriage of her father.

then the way her stepmother and sisters treated her. now, again. never explicitly stated how they treated her before cole came and stuff, but after that, she was in the position of being in rags when she deserved so mcuh more than that, but her stepfamily took it from her (in a few other ersion it's the stepmother making her the family servant/slave, in other version it's... something else idk i don''t read a lot of cinderella stuff tbh i preffer other fairy tales).

then we have the godmother saving her. that part speaks for itself. i think.

then for the ball (or in this case, a wedding to her "true love"), it IS explicitly stated that the rings, that turn red when its other is with it, are made of glass. in the fiction, it said that as cinders was putting the ring on rose's finger, the bmombs went off, and she dropped it. rose caught it, stuffed it in her wedding dress pocket (fuck yeah, i would love to have that on my wedding dress), told cinders to run. leaving the glass slipper (ring, ig, but yk it slipped so) behind, right around midnight.

also, her name isn't even cinders officially! i don't know what it was before, but durring the whole revolution and such and her looking for rose, she edned up taking a new name/persona, much like snow, and was dubbed cinders, "after the her ashen world" (or whatevr it was, idk, i haven't listened to the album in a bit). again, this plays into the whole thing with the name that many other version and adaptations liek to play off of.

tbh this is all i can think of rn bc im kinda tired, so feel free to expand on this. wanted to give as mcuh details as i could abotu her story and how it is fairly similar to every other cinderella story.

however to me, a lot of these cinderellas also jsut. aren't too close to a certain story of cinderella. there's a lot of creative liberaty taken in every version. now, the album in it of itself, (once upon a time (in space)) takes a bucnh of stories, this and many other fary tales, and twists them and makes it their own. it's an adaptation. and when it comes to things like folk lore, ledgends, myths, and fairy tales (especially those), there's always gonna be some inconsistancies than with other version derived of the same media. hell, even jsut the stories themselves almsot never stay consistent.

a cinderella is a cinderella if they are said to be based off of the story of cinderella. (im looking at you carrie, and how no one said she was any less of a cinderella than any other competitor)

-A

If this propaganda has convinced you, click here to vote for Cinders (Once Upon a Time in Space)!

[voltts-memoir]

ok! so- I finished writing a small story, I don't really know if its that good (First one I've managed to fully write) Its a bit long so i put it under the keep reading section.

It was a dark night in the dreamscape, which was odd as the sky almost always sorta dark with no discernible reason why. Glass (or I guess Vess because saying that you're eating Glass doesn't sound right, still going to use Glass through the story though) was struggling to sleep out of a horribly timed string of weirdly abstract yet very direct and real feeling nightmares.

"ffffuuuucccckkkk. Why did these nightmares have to happen now... what did i do to piss off those weavers..." groaned Glass, who was staring at a screen filled with just a blank text document. The dream weavers had some time off that day because there wasn't as many dreams to weave for some reason. "Fucking lack of sleep giving me writers block." Glass saved the document and closed all the things active on its laptop, turned it off and put it up somewhere; returning to jsut laying on its bed staring at the ceiling. "You know what? I'll try it again. Maybe get one of the nightmare weavers to tone it down."

Another attempt at sleeping was made, this time being somewhat successful. Glass was dreaming (despite being in the dreamscape, for lore reasons there's dream layers.), but unfortunately it was another nightmare. "Fucking great. I was hoping for a nullspace but I guess I gotta begin unravelling this place from the ins-"

A guttural roar is heard from somewhere in the newly formed labyrinth of hallways. "Shit." Glass moaned angrily (also hating the fact that moaning has to have a specified emotion otherwise the default happens and yeah), and proceeded to stand still waiting for whatever amalgam to round a corner nearby, however this was a very bad idea as the ground began warping and the amalgam did end up rounding a corner.

Glass began to try to run, but began to fail as its legs started falling apart. "Waitwaitwait fuck no not like this!" despite being able to somehow return after death every six days, dying in nightmares really fucks with Glass' mental state however.

After what was almost 6 hours of running (both inside the nightmare and outside of it, mostly because of the stumbling caused from the deterioration on Glass' legs, its surprising how it managed to run that long.), Glass unfortunately ran into a dead end and slowly was forced into a corner.

There wasn't any path that Glass could use to escape, and with how its legs are going (at this point they're almost fully broken) there's no chance for Glass to even survive. "Well fuck. I don't think any of the nightmare weavers noticed..." Glass' voice began getting quieter and a very discordant sound of voices was coming from the creature. Glass couldn't cry, not because of a physical inability to, but because of a dissociation being caused by the voices (Glass is not good with loud sounds constantly repeating and varying by only getting louder.)

Glass curled up on the ground, visibly shaking and hoping that the amalgam would just go away. Instead, the amalgam just got closer and closer, practically suffocating Glass with its presence.

"HEY! GET AWAY FROM IT." a familiar voice rang out, not that Glass could really focus in on it. The amalgam stopped in its tracks, slightly stunned by the one who just appeared. Glass feels like its getting smaller as the standstill drags on. "Hey, I'm here now, you're gonna b-"

The amalgam growls again, leaving no chance for comfort. One second all Glass felt was the cold and hard tile floor, presumably belonging to a school hallway, and the next was warmth unlike blood. Struggling to open it's eyes, Glass looked around but only saw outlines in the dark (Glass cant technically ever close its eyes, whenever it does that all it sees is an outlined version of the place its in). It attempts to speak but can't, voice still not functional from the dissociation.

Wherever Glass is begins moving around, the ground shoving Glass upwards pressing it into a warm and wet ceiling (While yes, the outlines are useful, they don't fully reveal the place). Something wet touches its face and the room tilts up. Glass feels itself getting pulled down, everything around it pressing just close enough to make it hard for Glass to struggle. The sounds from outside wherever Glass is come back, just slightly muffled now. "Hey‽ is anyone there? why is this place so squishy... and wet... wait..." The new room was shifting around a lot now. "Oh, I guess I got eaten. Looks like there's nothing I can do now." it sighed, leaning back into the soft stomach lining, ready for the panic that would ensue when it wakes up from death in nightmares. The feeling of acid never came.

"Sorry about that. I really did not mean for you to get this nightmare."

"Huh?"

"What? surprised you're not dead?"

"y-yeah." The nightmare weaver's stomach gently squished around Glass, causing it to yawn.

"Unfortunately, I cant really wake you up from this without kinda doing that to you"

"I- uh, I already know. I was kinda going to ask you or any other nightmare weaver if they, or you, could kinda stop giving me the nightmares..." Glass feels the weaver's stomach press against it as if someone was pressing against the outside where it is.

"I hope its cozy in there for you, or at least you find it safe. You're probably already planning to stop talking to me because of how weird this is... who am I kidding, you probably hate me from this."

"First, yeah its actually cozy in here. Second, I don't hate you for this."

The weaver pauses, unsure how to react to the fact their semi-coworker just called their stomach cozy unlike everyone else they had did this exact thing to, as it was divided between people being extremely fucking weird to them about it (especially since it wasn't a lucid dream that was being woven for them) or people calling them disgusting despite it being a dream and thus had no effect in the waking world. "I'm sorry, did you just..."

"Yeah. Do you care if I stay in here for a bit?"

The weaver was now blushing a bit, very relieved that Glass is surprisingly calm about this and even asked if it could stay there for a bit longer.

"I- Uh- sure..."

"Actually, can I tell you something?"

"Sure."

"I might have been just staring at you a lot of times during weaving and kept having my thoughts wander off, they always kept going to eating you out of curiosity..." They paused when saying this, afraid of the answer.

"You could have just asked, but its fair that you didn't because of the fact you wouldn't have known my response. Also, this... this kinda just is a common occurrence sometimes."

"Oh..."

"Anyways, I'm probably going to sleep in here, its really warm."

"Ok! Have a good rest I guess?" Glass fell asleep not long after that was said, slightly kneading the weaver's stomach. They patted their now slightly more visible stomach, sometimes squishing it to show some affection to Glass as the nightmare changed, presumably by a lucid weaver, to allow the nightmare weaver to rest.

[yamikawas]

fun fact: yoom's love for you is incomparable and all-consuming

THANK GOD BC I FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY FOR HER<3<3<3

[sapienap]

hi hi hi!!! so i just recently hit 800 n i was going to save this for my 1k celebration, but genuinely i am just full of so much love for everyone that i couldn’t hold myself back from doing this so !!!! appreciation post for mutuals!!! n this is absolutely wild to me, bc ive been on tumblr for over 4 years now, n remade this blog at the end of september to both restart and because i was getting super into mcyt n wanted a blog to focus on that, and the fact that ive grown this much since then is absolutely insane to me!!!

im feeling full of love for all of my mutuals (aka people i consider my friends <3) so!!! have written messages for u all :DD i mostly wrote them for people i talk to a lot/look up to, so pls dont feel bad if i didnt write one for u!!!! pls absolutely follow everyone in this list they are all amazing people n deserve ur follow !!!! obs not a complete list bc bad memory but just. they are all so cool :]

also thought i would say this here but im moving blogs lol im @sapienap (wont let me tag bc new </3)

atlas ( @fear-epidemic ) atlas!!!!! oh my god okay so first off??? the fact that our friendship began bc of u thinking my icon was dan howell when it was mr. wilbur soot is sucha  cursed fact n i think that describes us very well <3 u r genuioely (i refuse to fix that mistake) such a nice person n uve just listened to me ramble about the weirdest shit n sat there as i watched anakin skywalker be hot n helped me with characterizations n i cant thnak u enough for that!!! ily <3

azzie ( @thediscsaga ) azzie azzie azzie!!!!!! the fact that we became friends bc u looked at me n just decided to call me ‘bestie’ n now here we r is so MINDBLOWING i love you so much!!!!! u r genuinely one of my bestest friends even tho we dont talk as much n i lov u sm ur always there to support me with whatever i do!!! ur always so supportive n i just. i lov u sm !!!! ur one of my favorite people n make this hell site so much better !!!!!! if im being honest lowkey anytime i lowkey feel panicked i just go to ur blog bc it honestly calms me sm :]

beet ( @homophobicpunz ) beet!!!!! okay okay okay the fact that the first time i saw ur main’s user n instantly was like “ohmy god i love that” n now here we r???? friends??? n i get to call YOU my friend??? amazing oh my god. and the fact that uve dragged me into so much shit that i lov now bc of u??? also amaizng. i just love the fact uve dragged me into So Much stuff (daredevil n all of those shows, punz, n more!!! like lowkey darth maul but only lowkey as i ahvent watched the show hes in yet dsjf) n uve honestly been so supportive of me throughout eveythting n just !!!!!! i cant think of much more to say other than ily :]

cam ( @camdotcom ) cam!!!! oh my god okay i jsut. honestly ur so nice ????? anytime im down u always manage to send an ask whenever im not feeling great n always send me smth funny n it always makes me feel so much better!!! ur genuinely one of the best people i know!!! ur always so great at everything n u genuienly make my tumblr experience so much better !!!! ur always such a great person :] n ily !!! im also ur little brother so <333

clay ( @its5undy ) tubs!!!!! my fellow southerner !!!!! im so so happy ive gotten to knwo u !!!! all bc of our weird ass server!!!! i lov u sm!!!! ur one of the brightest people i know n im so glad to have u be someone who forces me to go to sleep when i feel tired instead of encouraging me to stay up <3 n ur so cool !!!! u may not think it bur ur absolutely one of the coolest mfs on this dumb app <33 ur alos my older brother so u cant say anything bad about me Ever

daniel ( @rvnboo ) dan !!!! my sweet homie !!! oh mygod i do not remember how i met u at ALL bc my memory sis o bad but i am so glad i knwo u !!!! i get so happy every single time i get an ask from u !!! u r such a nice persobn n a great joy !!!! every single time i see u on my dash i go “:DDDD daniel!!!!!” anytime i see u in my notes i just go “!!! dan!!” honestly i associate ranboo with u now!!! i see u n go “! dan!!” n i just lov u sm??? i honestly think of u as my younger sibling n i just lov u sm

dream ( @enderrdream ) bad!!! omg ok honestly i dont remember how we met bc ur Old (/j) but seriously!!! ive been friends with u for So Long (even tho i lost u for some time) n now!!!! we r friends again!!!! n ive claimed u as my older brother !!!! we r the only valid sbi dynamic <33 but truly!!! i think u r one of the people i have known the longest!!! u ahve done so much for em n i can never thank u enough!!! i just lov u sm !!! im so horrible at explainging this but just. i love u sm <333

gogy ( @strawberrygogy ) berry!!! oh my god the fact that i ahvent known u that long buit we r so close??? we have a ship that can rival dreamnotfound n have matching cases we r the only bicthes on this entire site <333 people that send weird asks after me being trans have No Bitches KFDHYGGH but seriously !!! im so fucking glad i got to know u!!! the fact we became friends bc i saw ur account, n foudn out u read the serpent king???? that is WILD to me!!! we r Bestest Friends n i fuckign love that and our 420 mile separation <3333 i lov u !!!!!!

hari ( @netheritedream ) hari hari hari !!!!! heblo heblo!!!! god the fact that we’re in different timezones n never get to talk is so homophobic i cant believe time /j but seriously!!!! i cannot believe we never get to talk we r platonic soulmates n i can barely count the amount of times we have talked the last week </3 and the factt hat u joined n saw ME n thoguht “ah, yes. friend.” n now??? we r platonic soulmates !!!! n uve helped me make so many new friends n have even closer friendships !!! n im just. i love you so much im so glad to have you as my friend <3

jannat ( @technosoot ) maya !! my memory is so bad i cannot remember how we met at all but !!! i am so fucking happy i became friends with u !!! u r genuinely such a bright part of my life !!!! i see u n go “:DDDDDD JANNAT !!!!!!!!!” u r such a great person n i will alwayts be here for u !!!! i love u so much !!!! my brain has stopped workin but i just lov u so much omg !!!!!

may ( @notfoundgeorge ) may !!!!! omg okay honestly i look up to u so mjch!!!!!! ur one of my favorite gifmakers on this entire app!!! genuinely ur such a nice person???? n if im being honest???? i got So Happy when u followed me back !!!! bc im like. ur so cool n i was like “wow SHE followed ME??” n just!!!! i lov u !!!

rain ( @theartofmining ) rain !!!! oh my god okay ur one of the few people that have seen my fucking. chaotic side which id ont truly think many people have seen so im glad u have that honor <3333 but seriously i lov u sm shfhgfhg u were tehre as i. hitpost limit and ask limit in the span of less than a hour n u rlly encouraged me when i freaked ouytndjfghgj u ahve been there for me for So Long and i just !!!! lov u sm

roni ( @youngjustices ) roni !!! ive known u for so long n even tho i truly havent gotten to talk to u much, i lov u so much !!!! uve been so kind to me n have helped me with so much n i just. i love you so much !!!! ur such a great person n deserve everything in the world n even tho u r taking a break from mcytblr, im just !!! ok lov u sm

sakshi ( @prettyboydream ) smiley !!!!! ok first off: i wish u were getting cuddles. okay next i cannot beleieve that we r friends !!!! i ddint spell that right but ANYWAYS u r so mf cooler than me!!!! one of the coolest people on this entire fucking app !!!! i do not know how i became ur friend but im so fucking happy i am friends with u !!! ur so great and i just. i love u sm

sam ( @dogboyurahara ) league !!!! i am. god im so glad i became friends with u !!!! u walways come n say some of the weirdest shit but that is literally. the highlight of my day i just love you SO MUCH uve always been so kind to me and i just !!!!! i lov u so mcuh !!!!! ever since becoming friends with u ive rlly discovered myself n i love that fact kdhjgfghggh ur always so nice n just. i lov u sorry i say that so much

techno ( @karda ) TECHIE!!!!!!! TECHIE OH MY GOD IDK HOW I TRICKED U INTO BEING MY FRIEND BC UR GENUIENLYT!!!!!! SO COOL!!!! UR SO TALENTED!!!!! n now!!!! im friends with u!!!!!!! im ur little brother !!!!! n ur my older brother !!!!!!! n just !!!!!!!!!! i love u so mich !!!!!!! ur always so supportive of any and everything that i do !!!!! u always offer to do thinsg for em n just !!!!!! i lov u so mcuh!!!!! u always make me so happy bc i see u n im like “:DD thats techie !!! thats my brother !!” n i just. lov u sm

theseus ( @clownspartys ) tommy !!!!!!!!! tommy oh my god i ahvent known u that long but???? we r best bros??? we r the coolest mother fuckers???? we jsut!!! clicked !!! n its so easy talking to u!!!! we just go n YELL at each other in discord n i think that is very valid of us!!! u truly are one of my favorite people on here !!! anytime i see u im so happy to see u n im just !!!!!! i lov u sm !!!!

wilbur ( @pigstepmp3 ) fundy !!!! oh my god okay genuienly. i love you. ur so supportive of me n anytijme im always down ur there to call me bubba n pull me right back up !!!! anytime anythign happens ur always there like “u absolute buffoon, i lov u sm” n i just!!!! i lov u !!!! ur my older brother n have helped me so much i just love you so much <3333

n then for some other cool people you all should follow :]

@pvnz / @gogyapologist / @fruitbur / @technoblaed / @dreamsclock / @dreamnap / @wooteena / @timedeo / @dreamsmp / @sootwilbur / @wilbysoot / @nickwilding / @jschlatts / @helenspirals / @darkmttrcat / @dreamwastakenalt / @hearty-an0n / @lesbiangogy / @imgns / @dogboykarljacobs / @berenstein / @tommylnnits / @dreamslikeshoney / @enderanboo / @veel556 / @raining-acid / @stick3rzzz / @moo-moo-meadows / @dreampfp / @eret

[babysizedfics]

romans teethers

after my latest fic pink crayons and pinky promises we saw that roman chews his toothbrush

but as u can see in the fic, it hurts romans gums and is generally bad for his teeth, thats why the cgs are all so adamant he not do it, but roman disobeys anyway... so logan and patton tried to get him to try chewelry instead

but the wood ones hurt romans teeth and make him feel weird, and he thinks the silicon ones are too squeaky, so he doesnt really like any of them :( but he pretends to choose one to get his cgs to stop pestering him about it

then one time at a sibling sleepover, roman is chewing his toothbrush again and complains about the chewlery not feeling good to vee

and vee suggests she has a baby teether that she hardly ever used bc shes too much of a baby to chew things when shes regressed

roman is pretty embarrassed that she even suggested it but vee says its okay but he can always ask her again if he changes his mind....

then a couple hours later roman asks if he can see it..

he is embarrassed bc it is obviously made for babies, its colourful and waterfilled, but he keeps fidgeting with it and squeezing it as they talk and he WANTS to chew it but he doesnt want to look like a baby especially in front of his baby sister

and vee is so sensitive to other ppls emotions she understands - so she grabs her dummy and suckles it while they chill and watch a cartoon

and then a few minutes in roman feels safe enough to try the teether and he rlly likes it 😭😭🥺🥺

he uses it when they have sleepovers a couple more times but ONLY if vee is half little and using her dummy - and everytime roman promises he will wash it and return it the next day but then vee tells roman he can keep it she doesnt use it at all

so roman starts using it in his own time too

but its meant for babies!! and roman isnt a baby of course!! so he keeps it a secret and asks vee not to tell anyone about it which she of course agrees to

then the way the caregivers find out....

when logan was getting roman into his jammies one night, he was wrestling romans arm out of his sleeve - then he hears a sudden CLACK and romans eyes went wide and they both look down to see the teether has fallen out of romans sleeve onto the bed

and logan was about to smile and ask if roman likes using it but as soon as he saw romans face bright red and tearful he realised "oh no ..." then roman literally started shoving him out of his room hysterically yelling GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT

before logan could say a single word he was pushed out of the room and roman slammed the door

but logan spoke a little thru the door "its alright, roman, im not going to say anything about it. But please know that theres nothing wrong with what i jsut saw. i dont know if youre still little right now, but please come and get me if you need anything at all. i'm going to be in my room okay?"

logan just waits ... then heard a small sniffle and eventually: "......okay"

the next day logan and patton did gently talk to roman to try to get through this misplaced shame but they didnt find much success. roman was so embarrassed and closed off during the talk they hardly got anywhere with it, roman was just pouting and blushing the whole time

because he doesnt want it to be a big deal! he just wanted smth to make his mouth feel good and he HATES that he feels so insecure abt it - he KNOWS that its not smth thats rlly so mortifying but it FEELS mortifying and the fact that he cant make that feeling go away makes him feel even more powerless

roman is still embarrassed to use his teether after this conversation even with all of his cg's reassurance that it doesnt make him a baby - until one day he is upset with his mommy and tearfully asks if he can get his teether (logan of course helps him fetch it and dutifully doesnt point out how roman hides it in his sleeve as he chews it and sits in logans lap)

in general roman doesnt like using his teether around people at first

around vee its okay but ONLY if she is half regressed or fully regressed and not aware of that much

he outright refuses to use it around his nana because its too embarrassing, and he wont use it with his daddy either bc hes worried patton will baby him

((alrhought since both janus and patton like getting everyone presents, they DO sometimes see teethers they know roman will like and buy them - but they always always give them to logan first so that logan can give them to roman so that they dont embarrass him 😭))

side note these are romans teethers

roman is a little shy to use it around his mommy at first but is the most comfortable with him. he can happily chew his teether with logan within a few weeks but he still much prefers hiding his face or the teether while he does and is v shy about talking abt it

logan never ever is like 'do u need ur teether' bc thats TOO babyish sounding for roman so he just does it wordlessly OR HES LIKE "sweetheart, do you want your blue bear?"

then roman blushes and fidgets and says "um... please can i have the red monkey please?" rlly quiet and logan just nods and doesnt make it a big deal and he goes to get roman his teether

AND waaahhh and he might walk past patton in the kitchen while he's getting romans teether from the fridge.. and patton sees logan getting the teether and they dont say anything bc it would be disrespectful to romans wishes but they do share lil soft smiles

also !! 🥺 i kinda think roman might be comfy using it around jamal eventually.... because he knows jamal never sees him as a baby and jamal already told him it would be okay if roman used pacifiers, so roman figures using a teether is definitely okay. jamal has just managed to seriously break through romans barriers of shame and its so good for them

but even with logan or jamal if he uses it then he faces away from them or keeps the teether hidden behind his hand or in his sleeve while he uses it

but he does eventually in the future get to a point where he will be able to use it openly in fromt of all the family, just like imagine the teether hangin out his mouth while he colours a picture for nana and his feets kicking behidn him and a bit of drool drips onto the page from him chewing it HAJDJJSJSJS

pattons like "hes grown so much :')" and logan is like "yes he is far more emotionally mature now"

meanwhile janus is eyeballing the drool like "...... if you say so"

[fzrticv]

Knowing your partner well makes writing together a lot easier. Tag this with the people you enjoy roleplaying with but want to get to know better.

Basics :

Name: Z / Ze, on here at last, I have mutlipile alies thoug.

Age: 25, sometimes you feel like it, sometimes you do not.

Preferred pronouns: She/Her , They/them - I have no peferences which you use, really.

Sexuality: Demisexual

Aodiac sign: Capricorn

Taken or single: sad singel

Three facts:    

1. Familie has 5 pets, three dogs, two cats. Our oldest cat I spoiled as she was little (as it was the first baby cat I ever had, the others were already adults), she now very attached to me. And yes, I’m one of those cat owners who also has a allergie for cats, if a weak one.

2. I have a older brother, we aren’t as close due our age differences (5years) but I know I can count on him if I  need help.

3. My favorite color is purple ! I’m a artist (well art block right now but anyway) so i will try to put the color in there, somehow. If just as shading -

Experience:

How long (months/years?):  I say 9+ on tumblr, but I already started techncially when I was 12/13 over yt, and isq .. and stuff. so yeah

How’d you start: On tumblr i jsut saw it was a thing, I had fallen out of contact with my old friends and hadn’t rp in a while so 16year old me decide to give it a shot again. I assume when I was younger I just copied what others did.

MUSE  PREFERENCES :

Female or male: .... is bad when I say male? I actually really do not care but I always end up chossing male .. even if most of them end up, not, being cis. but anyway.

Favorite face: ?

Least favorite face: I’m still cofnused..i dont like rl faclaims? i guess?

Writing  preferences:

Fluff, angst or smut: fluff with a dat of angst, or angst with happy ending .. I haven’t rp smut in quiet a while, so rusty but I’m willing to give it a shot again! as long as it doesn’t end being all I write.

Plots or memes: both, I also like mems just for short interaction or responbs, espically if the other mun is busy to countine our theard! I’m, always rahter shy to plot.

Are you like your muse(s): .. not really but kinda? Some hc are really self inculded, then there would be - the lack of a social circle, insecurty, self doub, not feeling wroth much, Fizz sarcasm .. and stuff along those lines. but other then that? Those three, its the first time I have muses who are far more different from me then most I wrote befor.

Tagged by: @clownstolemyjokes Tagging: @knightlyrival , @spamddison , @blitzopath , @crybabydemcn , @hellshoard, @strikers-saloon , @deepspacevivarium

[silverwhiteraven]

Wings of Broken White - Ch. 2

Tag List: @marichatmay

[ Posted on Ao3 ] [ Chapter 1 ] [ Chapter 3 ]

[ Summary: It’s Origins all over again, but jsut a little different. ]

Ever since his mother disappeared, Adrien’s favorite movie has been Spirited Away. As the years passed, he related to it more and more.

A young child, who’s parent’s pay her no mind despite her warnings. She gets separated from them, wanting to do nothing more than cry for the unfairness of it all. Then she gets dragged into signing a contract, willing to work under its terms because it would allow her to bid her time and someday regain her family.

All of that he felt in his heart, but it wasn’t all.

A strange and dark looking creature is constantly asking her to let it inside, and each time she has to keep denying it. Letting it in would be, is, a mistake, she had to get him out as soon as possible and keep him far, far away.

It was a little unclear to Adrien why he related to this part of the movie as more of a relevant metaphor than a personal experience. But it was still there. He could never quite grasp why, but whatever his own dark, faceless creature was, he knew he couldn't let it in.

And of course, there was one other part to Spirited Away that he wished to understand.

The girl lost her name, her memories, all of who she was, as part of a contract to get her parents back. Even her spirit friend had lost his name, too, and he had done it to stay alive. Those parts felt raw and real to Adrien, and it always made his cry.

Though he was always a bit confused why he felt lost like they were. Had he forgotten something? He knew his name though, it was Adrien. And he still belongs to himself, after all, his Father lets him set his terms for when he models so he’s never uncomfortable. Had he forgotten something else, then?

From what he could recall, there were very few photos of Adrien from before he was seven. All up-close shots taken from a polaroid in black-and-white film, and all stuffed away in a little photo album in his Father’s personal library. Nothing was out of place, he was certain of it.

So Adrien dismissed it, chalking up his tears to nothing more than build up emotions from the earlier parts of the movie.

Spirited Away wasn’t the only Studio Ghibli movie he enjoyed, though.

He had seen every single one, really, and he loved them all.

But when Chloé had watched Whisper of the Heart with him one time, she used it as a way to egg him into going to public school with her.

“But Chlo, you’re homeschooled too, aren't you?” He was a bit confused.

“Only for now!” She huffed in annoyance. “But being homeschooled by tutors means I can't be in classes with you, Adrien, so as soon as I demand that Daddy enroll me to a school so that I can be with you more often, he will see reason! Just watch!”

And he did. She succeeded, of course, though it took her agreeing to wait until she was eligible for secondary school so they could skip the hassle of enrolling her in primary school first. Unfortunately, she had underestimated just how stubbornly protective Gabriel Agreste would be of his son.

For three years, Chloé went to Collège Françoise Dupont on her own. For three years, Adrien dreamed of getting out of the house and making friends on his own. For three years, Chloe helped build Adrien’s courage to push against his protective bubble and pop it using all his might. And, Lucky for him, three years was all it took.

~*~*~*~*~*~

Marinette was running late for school, just like she has every day since she started Collège. It wasn’t her fault that mornings didn’t give her very much time to eat, shower, put on her wing-binders carefully and perfectly, get dressed, maybe help out in the Bakery a little bit, and then finally grab her bag and dash off to make it on time for classes. Honestly, who’s idea was it to make the day start so early? Not her’s, that's for sure!

It really didn't help that an elder had been crossing the street while a car with a distracted driver drove toward the intersection too quickly. Marinette had rescued the elder, sure, but her box of goodies had suffered, and so did her wings. Luckily, it wasn't too bad, she had just awkwardly landed on her butt, subsequently squashing some of her primaries and secondaries where they had been concealed under her dress. Oh well, it wasn’t like she flew very often anymore anyways, right? Right!

Her first day of school was…normal, really, as normal as it has been for the past four years, anyways. This year, she had all three of her primary school friends, Nino, Alix, and Kim, in her class, and that made her rather glad. She was even happier to see that the rest of the students she had also met before over the previous three school years. She was surrounded by friends, so she knew this year would at least be better than before. Even Alya, who had transferred to their school the previous year, would be joining her classes again.

There was, of course, that one sore thumb that stuck out.

Chloé Bourgeois, for the fourth time in a row, had made a big deal of sitting in a particular spot so that a student no one knew could sit in front of her. For the fourth time in a row, Chloé watched the door instead of the teacher. And, again, for the fourth time in a row as classes passed then lunch came and ended, Chloé looked rejected and sad coming back into the classroom, before taking her usual spot back in the front row with Sabrina.

For the fourth year in a row, it looked like Chloé’s one friend outside of school wasn't going to be showing up.

Only, it seemed this year would turn out just a little different.

The mystery boy did, in fact, show up this year. He came in late, smiling like he had just escaped from prison for some reason. Chloé had jumped from her seat like a coiled spring and hugged him like he had just come back from a war when she thought he had died. Marinette had no clue why she was comparing these two’s interactions to such horrific things, but it seemed to convey just how high their emotions were running.

After that, their teacher had taken the chance to rearrange the class seating, to better accommodate the students.

Rose Lavillant with her pretty wings of a Roseate Spoonbill, and Juleka Couffaine with the purple and grey wings of a Violet-Backed Starling, were the inseparable couple, now seated in the right hand side’s back row. To their left across the aisle was Nathaniel Kurtzberg, his large red and black Cardinal wings keeping the sky boy hidden. He would have been put in the front due to his shyness, but his wings had a tendency to block other’s views.

In the next row forward, there was Max Kanté, his wings that of a pure white Flamingo. Lê Chiến Kim sat beside him. Kim was one of the wingless students, but that never got him down. Some students would even say that if he did have wings, they would be on his feet like Hermes purely because of how fast on his feet he could be. Ivan Bruel sat at the next desk in front of Nathaniel, also on his own. His Raven wings were hidden under his oversized clothes, making him rather large and intimidating in looks. He wasn’t trying to look scary, really, he was just embarrassed at how shiny his large wings were and hid them.

Third row from the top, right behind the front row, sat Alix Kubdel, dark green and pink iridescent Hummingbird wings tucked smoothly against her back. Kim was staring at the back of her head like he could already picture himself beating her in a race. Mylène Haprèle was at Alix’s side, another wingless student. She didn’t mind, really, if anything, it made her time with Ivan feel all the more special, since they could share their experiences with each other without being embarrassed. Marinette Dupain-Cheng and Alya Césaire were at the other desk. Alya had the prettiest Barn Owl wings, the color reminding many of roasted marshmallows. Her wings also made her a person to fear during camping, because as soon as the scary campfire stories were out, she would sneak off, then ambush the group on silent wings at the scariest possible moment. Marinette, on the other hand, still hid her wings under loose shirts and skirts, so she was seated near the front of the room.

And finally, on the right hand side of the very front row of desks, sat Chloé Bourgeois with her regal Swan wings, and Sabrina Raincomprix, Chloé’s wingless desk companion and only friend inside of school. And now, at the other desk opposite the two girls and in front of the classroom’s door, the last two students were seated. Nino Lahiffe, another Hummingbird with blue and green feathers, sat very chill in the front row, his wings tucked away just like Alix’s to keep anyone from behind him from having trouble seeing. And at his side was the new student.

Adrien Agreste was the last of the wingless students in the class. But even without wings, he was eye-catching. His hair was white, more pure in color than even Max’s or Chloé’s wings. It was only accentuated by his light, almost pale skin. And his eyes, blue as could be, looking like ice drifting on an open sea. He wasn’t completely unique, of course, as there were plenty of pale or even albino people in the world. But still, he was different and new to them, and even more curiously, he was friends with Chloé, of all people. She even treated him well, and she didn’t do that for many.

After the excitement of seat changing and a new student, everyone settled down for the rest of their first day of school. Adrien seemed rather excited to be there, even jumping out of his seat when called on, blushing furiously at the giggles but still smiling at his own amusement.

Sadly, the day was interrupted. By magic and supervillains, of all things.

No need to get into the details, but here is what Marinette remembered when she finally got home after an exhausting day.

First, a very large, blue gorilla came crashing into the school, obviously looking for someone.

Second, Marinette found a pair of earrings in her room, a magical creature with them.

Third, she became Ladybug, and, for the first time in a while, flew in the skies on new wings of pitch black.

Fourth, she was really out of practice on flying, especially with the new set of feathers, and ended up falling into another person.

Fifth, that new person was her partner in heroics, apparently, calling himself Chat Blanc.

Sixth, he too, had wings, a brilliant, almost iridescent white, broken by scattering specks of crystal blue. But for some reason, he hadn't been flying when she fell, or any time after that.

But, seventh and most important of all, he had been encouraging to her, helping her when she faltered and felt fear. She was utterly embarrassed over it, but also very, utterly certain that she really, really liked him for it.

Adrien, on the other hand, remembered a few less things, but was just as excited about them.

First, he got to go to school!!! He had to run away from home to do it, yes, but it was worth the cost.

Second, when a monster came attacking his school, looking for someone (later revealed to be Adrien himself when the monster was reverted back into his bodyguard), Adrien had been saved. Marinette, his new classmate, had guided him through and out of the school building to help him escape the chaos happening in the unfamiliar environment. It was so cool.

Third, he had more freedom now than ever before. With the help of a silver ring and a wary little cat creature named Plagg, he could become Chat Blanc. And that freedom came with wings. Those wings made him feel almost whole for some reason. Like one of the missing pieces of himself, that he only thought about when watching Spirited Away, was suddenly back where it belonged.

Fifth of all, after the fighting was over, after his first day in public school was over, he got to see Marinette again. As he waited for his Father’s intimidating Assistant to come and get him, as he waited under the entrance awning as rain poured from the sky, Marinette had come up to his side.

“I didn’t get a chance to say it earlier, but welcome to our class, Adrien,” she had smiled genuinely at him. “I wasn’t sure what to think at first, you being a friend of Chloé, but you seem to make her, well, nicer, I guess. So, I hope I get a chance to be your friend, too.”

Then, she handed him her white dotted pink umbrella and dashed off into the rain before he could say anything back. It reminded him of another Ghibli movie, actually; in My Neighbor Totoro, when the sisters had been waiting in the rain for their bus, they had lent their only umbrella to the strange but friendly Totoro.

Adrien was glad Marinette hadn't seen him blushing as she left, or heard his embarrassing squawk as the umbrella had suddenly snapped down around his head and shoulders.

But after all that, the day was made bright by the fact that his Father was going to let him continue going to school. Everything was really looking up. He couldn't wait for the rest of his life to come.

[gayspock]

trek thoguths idk when i last did one babe

ok, literally- feeling rather under the weather so if this is incoherent god bless us all<3 but what i said,a few seasonsback...

i didnt rlly mind the THOUGHT of kira and odo: i was actually rlly welcome to the idea of them sort of ending up together, somehow, but then realising they rlly werent a right fit. it made sense- with bareil passing, and odo still trying to learn to navigate human relationships, and them being very close friends but somehow reading the wrong things into it, but its just.... idk they left it on the back burner way too long and that it really doesnt even make sense to do that now so this entire episode i was jsut like. :/ ok? bc its not offering much of anyhting any more to me, my love, im afraid and tht makes me go -_- bc now youvrjust ... kind of wacked them both together and i hope u arent insufferable with it, but when that happens and relationships are made between core chars with little intention then . well thats honestly the case. i mean i guess maybe theyre trying to go for like... them literally being endgame, he really has been there and she just needs to open her eyes- but god it jsut doesnt work for me..... i dotn think they make a good couple that would stay together liek tht. like i said i think they could have easily grown together much earlier on in some way and then parted ways amicably as besties but idk this just feels off to m now

furthermore with regards to shakaar and bareil... like honestly i dont mind kira having offscreen boyfriends- sorta like how sisko has kassidy , where shes more lowkey, but shes STILL a fully formed character its just shes sorta not the main focus like. im kinda fine with tht you know like.... again i feel like. hm.

i feel like as a general rule of thumb for me . if a character in question is motivated a lot or if a truly significant part of their life is defined by their dynamic with another, more minor character... then that other character does have to have some significant substance and agency. like if u want me to actively give a shit when ur char does i have to actually.... see a another char there, and not a cardboard cutout. its why i rlly rate them for fleshing out jake: lots of parent characters are just given flat, meaningless kids (or vice versa) just to endanger them or to pull on the heartstrings whenever which. really just kinda feels hollow. sisko being a father is a defining part of him- and so its really good tht they have jake fleshed out properly...

meanwhile then im just infuriated by the absolute disservice done to keiko and molly on the REGULAR when o'brien is supposed to be the family man. always presenting keiko in the way they do- its beyond unfair- and at this point in the show theyve literally forgotten abt her for seasons and shoved her elsewhere. and im like. -_- ok.

anyways my point is omg i went on a tangent. .. i think with kira, again- id be frankly FINE with bareil and shakaar being not that relevant at all, bc it really isnt sth that defines her however i WILL say tht... god on both accounts thye both just feel like lost potential. and maynwbe im sayin that bc im sorely missing the politics between ds9 and bajor? i mean- the show has grown so much over the past few seasons, so theyve jsut left it a little by the wayside which is fine but... wahrgh. i dont know i think the fact kira was dating two very politically powerful men- whilst i dont think it ever was to the detriment of her character that they werent fullyy explored, it reaaally does feel like a lost opportunity as does all of the relationships between ds9 and bajor. i guess the show just decided to go elsewhere with a lot of stuff and a lot of the stuff it is focussing on now is GOOD, like... hell i mean . even just episodewise. right now its like 2-3 mediocre eps (one of which might genuinely be. bad.) in a whole season which ... out of like 26? like so many of them are just so GOOD rn omg .... adgosndgpsdh

anyways this gor away with me.my point is idc abt kira and odo jsut dont fuckinf act stupid with it for the love of god

[yoonpobs]

urgh i haven't been around in a while and just caught up to all the back burner chapters and its 😭🥰🤯

im gonna provide my feedback to chapter 6 now coz i wrote that ask simultaneously in my notes while reading the chapter but never got around to sending it. lol. ill send asks for the rest of the chapters later coz that was a fucking journey.😴

.

.

yeah we haven't seen anything from haerin's end. sure. but what excuse is so powerful that you can't stand up for your baby sis?👀✋🏻

lmao i knew the moment oc was sitting alone in the bar that yoongi was gonna be involved somehow. and when that sleaze came up, i was sure he was the one who was gonna rescue. im writing this as i read haha.

okay why do i have a feeling that yoongi and haerin are fake dating? im at the part where yoongi brings oc home and haerin calls. the call was so short and haerin seems so unbothered about oc being at his place at 3am? maybe she trusts yoongi. but if she knew, why didn't she come along? at least wait back at his place for oc? she's her sister? regardless? it just itches me that haerin let yoongi handle it as if he's the only right person for it? maybe im just shooting in the dark haha. hoping because you said hope shall prevail.

okay, i finished it. i think i might be wrong about the fake dating idk. coz yoongi holds back from doing anything. still, yoongi looking at oc's lips? so close to her? holding her cheeks? oh god i wasn't ready. ill just wait for the next now. although I don't think this is gonna progress so😷

also this wasn't the angst i was expecting. this was a good one. it kinda shows yoongi cares so much about oc and anger was just his way of showing it. its good. its progress from when he shut himself down. the " take the food and drink. please." ????? killed me there shit.

.

.

how have you been? hope you're well. i was off this hellsite for a while. came back to 13 chapters. like what?? you're so fast and regular. kudos. i read them all back to back and it was the best mistake ever omg.

~🦋

oh my!!! hello!!! it's so lovely to hear from you again ❤️ it's definitely been a while, so i hope you have fun with the latest chapters hehe 👀 no spoilers here!

i'm reading through all your theories and i'll just keep my thoughts to myself, but all your queries will be answered very soon!!! but the fact that haerin was unbothered does raise a few eyebrows, doesn't it? 👀 it is a very complicated situation!!!!

as much as yoongi is a dumb dumb, he's still a man with morals 🤣 he aint no cheater!! hahahha

and yes!! sometimes the angst isn't always jsut heartbreak, sometimes it's the things left unsaid 🤔 yoongi's love language is acts of service and oc is just...oblivious 😩 but hopefully all your curiousities will be answered soon 👀

thank you so much for your ask as always!!! i love hearing from you ❤️ i've been doing well. and please, do take all the breaks you need! i'll always be here whenever you're ready to come back!!! i try my best to be consistent bc i love seeing all of your thoughts, too!!! take care of yourself, love❤️

[dragqueenpentheus]

Okay no one has to read this but i DO have to write it:

PYROC VS FATHER PAUL

Ya bitch needs an art break bc im getting angry about voices existing as i try to keep myself entertained. Today is NOT a god one for sinking into repetitive line work and that’s just about all i have on the table atm

SO! Im gunna do a little thinking about my little meow meows all fucked up by religion. Just a comparison for my sanity and interests. Pyroc is my baby i wrote him for the first time years ago. Five?????????? Whadda hell. Going on six.

ANYWAY john joined religion because of his trauma. His sister died and he felt lost. He was unmoored in this fishing village and looking for reason looking for hope. Hed had his heart broken and trying to make sense of tragedy on his own was totally beyond him. Thats why his interactions with riley in AA are SO good like. He knows that confusion and he knows the rhetoric that’s supposed to combat it. Only it dooesnt work for riley.

The same sort of thing happens for pyrc, only inverted. Loss urns him away from god and religion because its SO strong in his family and not only is he loosing trust in god, but his kin as well. He’s suspicious there’s mre they arent telling him, at the point of his fathers death. And he agrees to, on the surface, absolutely wholly throw himself in to being the second the family and the village need. But he’s keeping his treachery under wraps.

That’s one of the coolest things about father paul imo is like. That slow unraveling of what is. Frankly. An awful half assed plan, driven by fear and loneliness and desperation and dementia and love. Even VERY obvious things like. Taking down the newspaper photo of his young self ‘slip’ by him. I think, on some level, its DEEPLY intentional. He wants people to CHOOSE this. He wants people like bev. He wants people who see him and are in aw of him beating god. Of killing death. He wants to be worshiped and adored and for people to come to him willingly, no tragedy driving them to his arms.

Pyroc also wnats to be worshipped, but he ALSO wants to do the worshipping. He really longs for an element of almost????? But not quite??? Subjection?? He wants to be shown something and for a Great Voice to tell him, unquestioningly and unerringly that it is GOOD. Full stop. And then he wants to spend his life worshipping it. But this booko is an exploration of how….. no such thing exists. And more importantly no great voice exists either. There is nothing wholly good, nothing wholy evil. His lack of faith in himself once he becomes god is him starting to understand that as well. Thats on purpose baked into the lore. The starting point was ‘what if god was a position and in order to get promoted you had to be a murderer. No matter what’. He understands things are not wholly good, at that point. I onder how long it will be for him to realize they are not fully evil as well?

Bc pruitt does hm hm hm an interesting move. Where he takes something the narritve is very sure to communicate is EVIL no wiggle room just fact. Even if its driven by animal instinct its. Evil. And he makes it, not just good, but HOLY. And god i LOVEEEE that for him i ADOREEE that what a MOVE. Driven by desperation and dementia and relief and ‘if god saved me than maybe i can be good despite loving and sinning and maybe if i defeat god then i will be Thee Good’. SO sexy of him. Im really fascinated by his morality. He seems to have an understanding of the shades of grey in some respects??? But if he had a BETTER one with more forgiveness in his heart i feel like hed have left the church anyway after sarah was born??? Even if millie didnt ask him??? That might just be my own sensibilities creeping in but ….. like he culd have seen her on the weekends. He can do other jobs. Hes straight (??? Not totally convinced of this) he could have just dated her that makes me crazy. LIKE OBV HE HAD LINES HE THOUGHT THAT WOULD CROSS AND HE HAD INTERNALIZED THE CHURCH AND THE RULES AND SHE WAS MARRIED AND ECT ECT i know he couldnt have really but. Thye were straight. They coulda.

Im not gunna do fantasy homophobia bc i think its …………….. Boring. But i think some element of??? The vindlegaurd line MUST be passed along and for that particular rules must be applied. But thats also boring as hell :/ maybe i can work in my parthenogenesis lore?????????? I bet pyroc would love building that spell in any universe. That’s the sequal when he goes to magic university in helsin. But yeah i do like the concept that. Anyone can have a baby thru magic its just a time and energy commitment. Just a matter of wanting it enough together. Every baby is so deeply wanted and its mere existence is proof. Thats dope i love that. HMMM to be decided at a later date when im deeper into the story i think. I still havent figured out fully how and where and why orion is going to be invovled and if???? Pyroc and orion are even going to be romantic??????? Im torn im TORn…….

Thikns about john bonding w sarah over science and learning and starts wEEPING…. Like theres some surity beloved. Its just a matter of uncovering. I think sarah felt that same thirst for answers and hunted them differently. Her faith is in logic and science. I loveeee her god. Every scene w her and her dad absolutely RUIN me like!!!!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW!!! SHE DOESNT KNOW HOW LOVED SHE IS!!!!!! I hope at hte very end she saw the blood as the gesture of love it SO clearly was and not him trying to poison her. God i love that she spat it out. GOD. Thats about being gay, btw. Spits the religious offering that could save you across the gasoline soaked church floor like BABE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think we as a collective should talk about the possibiites around sarah/erin more. Bc their defiance combined would be. Earth SHATTERING for crockett.

In the future pyroc gets a kid. Ever since that campaign where Enemy ended up playing his daughter im like. How did i NOT know this idiot wanted nothing more in the entire world than to travel it with his daughter. I dont care how or why hes getting a kid. Hed be so doting and awful abut it. He would need orion as a co-parent for the kids self esteem to be normal levels. thINKS ABOUT PAUL GETTING TO RAISE SARAH AND JUST ABSOLUTELY GASSING HER UPPPPPPPP HANGING EVERY DOODLE SHE EVER MADE ON TEH FRIDGE. BOASTING ABOUT HER SCEINECE PROJECT OT ANYONE WITHIN EYESIGHT EVEN THOUGH ‘WE K N O W JOHNWE WERE ALL AT THE SCEINCE FAIR’!!!!!!!!!!! Let these fuck ups be doting fathers im fucking begging. That scene where paul is like. You take ccare of everyone on the island sarah. Its more than being a doctor. You comfort them.

HM HM comfort is such a thing for Miss Bitch like!! He sees it as a Good Thing. He tries to bring it for riley by asking to hold the AA meetings on island ((also manipulation. Obvously also manipulation. I wouldnt have bene shocked if he was slipping the vampire blood into the coffee every meeting either. But thats just a theory. A game theory.)) ANYWAY he sees comfort as hly. The church gave it to him when he needed it. The angel gave it to him in the cave. Feeling safe and warm is HIGH on his list of priorities and what makes him hand over respect.

I think pyroc has lived a very comfortable life in SO many ways, but in none he. Activly recognizes. A key part of his character arc his him…. Opening his eyes to the world around them. Seeing the privilege he has and being like. Wait. This isnt Right. We have to change thi. And when no one agrees ti shifts to I have to change this. With Violence. A little revolutionary <3 it only costs the life of his whole ass family

Thats more fun comparison ground like…… paul is SO much about I know whats right and there is a cost but i AM ignoring it. Like HE KNOOOOWSSSS he knooooows he just doesnt want o See. I’m not sure if im going to surprise yroc with the ……megadeath of. His whole family. Or if it’s a choice he has to activly make. I think a choice makes it more compelling, more layerd. It has to be in the moment though, becaus ei think thats. A key difference between them. Pyroc wouldnt do it.. hed just leave hed peace out and do what he could in small ways. But he wouldnt do his big stand off with god. Hed shrink his goals in order to not hurt his family. Out of love?? Intimidation?? Some instinct wihtin him that balks at the idea of disobedience??? I think even he doesnt know. But i LOVE john becaue he jsut decides to lie. He closes his eyes and says i am being stupid on purpose. I think thats PERHAPS more compelling than good guy coward pyroc BUT!!!!! Thats who he is rip to ths little man. Cant change him now hes a whole ass child in my head. The PLOT i can change. Him….. not without massive character development <3

UGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MM set my brain on FIRE!!!! Im so glad nano is coming up. I love sharpening pyroc against the comparison of other AMAZING characters. Father paul hill my beloved millstone <3 anyway sorry to anyone who reads this its literally me unhinging my jaw and emptying my brain out. I had to write stuff that wasn’t novel or fic. A little character time down and dirty. I wil NOT be editing this love and light to future me trying to decode this

[multifics-canary]

Marinette's New Shield

A/n: I'm not late in the salt train that is Chameleon, I just never posted anything for it. This is my first miraculous post. Ruby Culpa is my oc who is related to the famous Felix Culpa that everyone is in love with. Enjoy :D I suck

°

Its been months since Lila's return, and for its been hell. She's done nothing but say that the Italian girl is lying, and yet her so called friends don't believe her. Don't believe that pure, innocent, sweet Marinette hates lies.

The hurt she felt when none of them believed her, when Alya told her to fact check when she didn't do any of that herself. Take the high road. A cheap excuse to be a coward. But she can't really fault Adrien for siding with the others. He's never really had friends before or a father to teach him.

And yet the sweetest person--in his opinion-- is getting hurt and he does nothing. Marinette shook her head. Lila wanted to rid marinette of all her friends and Adrien. But clearly it's not enough now. The others have joined in on tripping her, calling her names, talking behind her back. And she's ignored them all. Its not healthy, she knows it, but who else can believe her. All she has is Tikki and her parents.

Her parents.

She loves them a lot, but she can't tell them this. Not now. And though she hasn't told Master Fu about it, she has a feeling that he knows. Why else would they have meditation sessions almost every weekend. But it helped lessen the pain. Marinette no longer cared. Her smiles weren't bright at school, her eyes didn't shine as much. She no longer had presents to give to anyone. No longer paid attention to anything that wasn't work related.

Surprisingly when Chloe noticed this-- especially after coming back from New York--, she was a bit nicer to Marinette. Queen bee had really changed her. So she gave Chloe a chance, and the blonde took it seriously. They started over, slowly bonding over things in common. Chloe eventually trusting Marinette about liking girls. And Marinette trusting Chloe about liking both genders.

Lila on the other hand was slowly taking the school. Spreading lie after lie, rumor after rumor, all to make sure Marinette didn't have friends again. It almost worked, but Lila never saw that girl coming.

°·°·°·°·°·

The atmosphere was toxic, she knew that much. Her cousin Felix had warned her about this school before he left again, saying that there more bullies than ever. That his friend Marinette was caught in a corner and the light had gone out of her. So it was her job to change that.

The first thing she saw when she entered her assigned classroom, was a large group surrounding one person. Almost the entire class was listening to an Italian girl spout out some nonsense about knowing the late Michael Jackson. In just 5 minutes of standing there, she deduced that everyone seemed like a hypocrite. Moving her eyes away from the large group, she spotted 2 girls sitting up at the back, talking quietly.

The blonde was familiar, being practically family, though she didn't like her very much. The other, was probably what her cousin was going on about. Though she wore pink, the colors look faded, her eyes dark blue, and her face practically emotionless. Her face screamed tired, but didnt show it to anyone. A tap on her shoulder, caused the girl to turn, seeing a tall woman, presumably her teacher, smiling softly at her.

"You must be Ruby Culpa." She said quietly to her, watching the young girl nod her head. "Are you, by any chance, related to a Felix Culpa?"

"Yes I am. He's my cousin, we are very close." She answered calmly, running a hand through her short hair.

"Well I'm happy that you could join us. The only available seat we have is the next to Marinette is. If you have any questions, you can ask her or myself. As class rep, she'll be able to help you with what she can." Ruby didn't miss the way she avoided offering to ask the other students for help. Clearly it was worse than she expected. Nodding her head, she turns again, this time catching a pair of green eyes stare at her in shock.

Frowning, she goes to walk to the back, when she hears a voice excuse themselves and practically feels herself being dragged out of the classroom. She hears the person saying to the teacher-- who she has yet to get a name- that they needed to talk. When they're both far away from the class, Ruby moves her arm away.

"Ruby! I've missed you so much! Felix didn't tell me you were coming here!" Adrien said excitedly and she stared at her baby cousin's innocent green eyes, causing her frown to deepen.

"Because I didn't want him to tell anyone. Adrien, I want you to look at me in the eyes right now. And tell me you didn't cause the tension that's in the class room right now." She sees Adrien immediately deflate, causing her to sigh. She can't blame him, her father was never one for teaching. "Alright drop the face. I'm here to set things right. And you know that nothing will stop me." She says, giving him a look when she saw that he was about to protest.

Sighing, he nodded, smiling a bit. "Just don't cause a lot of trouble please." Ruby scoffed, crossing her arms.

"Oh please, Agreste. You know Felix causes more trouble when its something as bad as this. Just be glad both of us aren't here." Adrien nodded in agreement, gesturung to return to class.

"Also, don't mention that we're related. Not until I figure this mess out." She watched him nod his head, before he entered first, Ruby a few seconds after. She headed for the teacher, asking for her name so that she remembers, and for a favor. Once the teacher-- Mme. Bustier as she said-- agrees, she clears her throat loudly, grabbing the attention of everyone.

Everyone fauning over the Italian girl stop, missing the look of irritation on her face as they turn to Ruby and Mme. Bustier. "Class I would like to introduce you to Ruby. She'll be with us for quite a while, so I hope you all be nice to her." Ruby watches the faces of everyone. Some of the girls smiling and waving, the boys mostly giving nods, while the Italian girl just crosses her arms.

The girl ignores her and looks towards the back, seeing Chloe's wide eyes and the bluenette stare at her curiously. After a few more seconds, everyone is back at fauning over the Italian, and Ruby sees the blue eyed girl quickly shut down her emotions. Now I get it.

Silently, she walked up the steps after Mme. Bustier leaves for something and goes to sit in her seat, shaking her head slowly at the direction of Chloe when she's about to speak.  She catches Chloe deflate a bit but nods, continuing to talk quietly and do some work with Marinette. This is new.

It wasn't even 20 minutes later that footsteps are heard and a girl with glasses and a checkered shirt walks up, standing in front of her. "Hey new girl! I saw earlier Adrien drag you outside, you guys friends?" She was smiling, completely ignoring the other two in the back.

"Yeah I guess you can say that. We've known each other since we were younger."

"That's so cool! My name's Alya, nice to meet you Ruby." Alya smiled brightly and held out a hand to shake, which ruby took. When she felt the firm excited shake, she hid a frown. She's angry at someone. "Hey, maybe you can hang out with us during lunch? There's this really cool friend of mine who has these amazing adventures."

"I'll think about it. But I'll let you know." Ruby says calmly, and Ruby doesn't miss the way Alya glances at the two people next to her, surprise written on her face before scoffing and returning to the large group, sitting next to a boy with a hat on, the Italian girl on her other side.

She let her frown show and turned Chloe, who was staring her grimly. With a shake of her head, she shifted to Marinette and understanding showed in her eyes. It's way worse than Felix had said.

°·°·°·°·

When it hit lunch, Ruby walked around aimlessly, vaguely listening to the chatter that was happening around.

"RUBY!!" She turned just has a blonde in a yellow jacket almost crashed into her, giving her the biggest bone crushing hug. "I didn't know you were coming here! Come on, I have someone to introduce you to!" Chloe said excitedly. She dragged Ruby outside to the park, aware that people were watching. Once they reached their destination, Chloe let go of her hand and saw Marinette eating what looked to be a croissant sandwich.

Turning to the blonde, she crossed her arms, noting how different she has been. "You know why I'm here." It wasn't a question, far from it. She needed verification from the mayor's daughter before she can start.

Chloe sighed softly, nodding as she glanced at marinette. "Its way worse than when I bullied her. I already texted daddy saying that you were here."

"Good, only thing I ask is that you don't say anything about me being related to Felix." Ruby stated, eyeing Alya in the distance, the girl staring back in confusion. She turned, walking up to the quiet noirnette and crouched so that they were in eye level. Marinette stopped eating her sandwich, eyeing the girl in front of her. Ruby just smiled softly, holding a hand out to her.

"Felix has told me a lot about you, Marinette. And from what I've gathered in the last few hours, taking the high ground has cost you dearly." She spoke gently, watching Marinette's eyes widen, before tears blurred her vision. She set her meal aside and cried, sliding onto the floor. Ruby caught her and held her gently, drawing small circles on her back to calm her down.

It worked eventually, Marinette jsut sniffled occasionally, slowly moving away from ruby. She could make out the red on her face as she looked away, causing ruby to smile. "Don't worry your little head about anything Marinette. I'll make sure everything is right before I leave."

"Rubes, they're coming." Chloe whispered as Ruby calmly helped Marinette back on the bench, before turning around, standing in front of Marinette protectively as she wiped her eyes.

"Hi! You're Ruby, right? I'm Lila." The Italian girl said, offering her right hand to the girl. A cold stare, she shook the girl's hand and instantly felt a lot of negativity.

"Nice to meet you, Lila. Is there--"

"Marinette are you seriosuly crying right now? Those crocodile tears of yours aren't to make us forgive you for treating Lila terrible." Alya sneered, causing Ruby to stare right at her, noting Lila's little smirk.

"How do you know that its fake?" Ruby's cold voice startled Alya, as everyone turned their glaring to the new girl. She remained unfazed, waiting for an answer. She saw Adrien stare at Marinette worriedly.

"I forgot to mention this earlier. Marinette is a bully. She's done nothing but torment poor Lila since she got back. And just spouted some random tears so she can--"

"So she can what, Alya Cheshire." Ruby's voice cut through the angry girl's voice. Her eyes widen at the reveal of her last name by the new girl. Chloe smirked as she crossed her arms, Marinette watching with wide eyes.

"She's crying because she had a panic attack. No one fakes a panic attack. Especially when there's toxic air around." She saw some of the girls cast worried looks to Marinette, the boy with the hat doing the same. "I was just helping her relieve that so I can introduce myself."

"H-how do you know my whole name?" Ruby raised an eyebrow. Was this girl really focused on how she knew her name instead of the girl behind her? This was worse than she can imagine.

"Wow, so I've said a lot and that's the only thing you're paying attention to. That says a lot. I glanced at the roster on Mme. Bustier's desk. Now if none of you have anything else to say, especially to Marinette, you can kindly all leave. As first impressions go, I did not enjoy this. Each and everyone of you get one chance to make me change my mind on all of you. And I say this once." She stared at all of them coldly, eyes settling on Lila.

Lila didn't back down, unlike the others visibly shrinking away from the stare, but Ruby could easily see the girl was getting unnerved. Slowly they all left, Adrien casting a sad look to Marinette before walking away with the others.

Once they were gone, Ruby turned around, her cold stare softening. "Don't blame Adrien for asking you to keep quiet. His father hasn't really taught him these things. But both Adrien and Felix have told me about you and all the good you've done. You're not alone in this, Marinette. What I want you to do while I set things right, is to be confident in yourself." She was crouched in front of the girl again, watching slowly as her eyes shined a bit.

"T-thank you." Marinette stuttered, pink dusting her cheeks a bit. Ruby smiled and stood, turning to the blonde next to her.

"I'll be back later. Make sure she's still smiling and that none of those classmates get near. Especially Lila Rossi and Alya Cheshire." She stared at the blonde, watching as she smirked and nod.

"They're lucky Marinette isn't Ladybug, then they would've lost the best person as their friend. Ridiculous."

"Speaking of which," Ruby spoke up, noting how Marinette gave a look to Chloe, "I don't fully know what's going on in Paris. I was in Japan for a long time studying. I want to know more about the heroes and these akumas."

"Wait studying? Studying what?" Marinette asked, genuinely curious. The girl smiled and pulled out her phone, fixing the strap of her bag over shoulder.

"I'm planning on writing a book, and I want a version of it to be in Japanese. There's already a French and English version being edited by a few friends who's helping me for fun."

"Oh my god that's amazing!" Marinette exclaimed happily, smile so huge it was almost blinding. "When you publish it, can I be the first one to read it?" The blue eyed girl stared pleadingly, causing Ruby to laugh.

"Of course. You and Chloe can get free a copy when it comes out. Now I gotta go, but I'll see you guys later." She said, waving at them as she walked off. She texted a few things to her cousin before calling someone.

"Hello, Penny? I'm here to talk about Marinette. You were right, she is too good to be taken advantage of. I have a plan and I need your help." Ruby walked across the courtyard, aware of a pairs of eyes watching her. Turning her head, she saw Lila stare at her.

They stared at each other for a minute before Ruby smirked, giving the Italian girl a thumbs down, shocking and enraging her.

Lila's going down.

Tags: @mcgrathandwives @the-wlw-cafe @imagine-lcorp @natu123 @baked-bean-bekah @gale-of-the-nomads @miraculous-of-salt @nobodyfamousposts

[astro-break]

Thoughts on the 8th ep of Hypmic Rhyme Anima. Spoilers beware

Ep.1 | Ep.2 | Ep.3 | Ep.4 & 5 | Ep. 6 | Ep. 7

Love that every time its a MTC centric episode im so busy that i can’t watch it the day it airs

I like how the beginning of the episode kinda mirrors the events in MTC’s story in ARB

hey hypmic you wanna try making it Less obvious who the culprit is? like damn you’re just giving away secrets like its candy. First Ramuda, the Ruikawa and now these two assholes. Might wanna keep your cards close before you spoil the ending of the anime oh wait they already did that nvm :p

Samatoki please have some sense of self preservation and ask what its about before accepting something. but I guess it also speaks to how trusting he is of those he lets close to him which also explains a bit more as to why he hates Ichirou’s guts

Love that Jyuto is actually choking the information out of someone and Samatoki is actually gathering intelligence and creating boards out of it. Most people expect the opposite from their characters and it such a great dynamic

I find it hilarious that Rio uses older computers but that brings up the question of “How far into the future really is hypmic?” bc those computers look to be from early 2000′s which would be A N C I E N T and completely unusable for hacking come a time when WWIII happens

Iris on a bike has no rights looking as hot as she does. The vehicle CGI is really nice too and so is her character model on top of the bike. Loving how Iris completely owns the two cops

The MTC love here is jsut. through the roof i can die happy now that i’ve seen Samatoki aggressively caring for his teammates animated and voiced. like, please. just. help. I can.t/ MTC care so much for each other I would hug them all and tell them good work, you can finally go rest now uughghghgh MTC guys. MTC

But mannn Iris is so cool, approaching MTC without any fear

I find it hilarious that Saburo would pose as a game dev from dubai which yknow doesn’t make any sense if you think about it. but whatever it just makes me laugh at how easy it is to fake a lot about yourself because yeah! it is easy! 

The whole conversation about cops and good cops seems a bit off considering ACAB but considering Japan who has largely swept both BLM and ACAB under the rug it isn’t surprising. That isn’t to say that Japan doesn’t care, its just that these movements aren’t on the spotlight so topics like these don’t carry as much weight

lol yeah he should have expected to be stabbed from the front lol

SRKHFSKJD Rio please stop living in the water, i can’t believe he did that lol

Love the SamaJyuto subtext in the translation lol

Jyuto’s sequence is kinda cute in a way ahaha

The kurosawa-esque b&w screens are a nice touch to the song as well as the MC Name drops and hypnosis speaker drops. Idk about Rio’s 2DIE4 reference though since it doesn’t really rhyme nor does it add much to the rap itself

The song itself is pretty nice but it isn’t a bop like Fallin’ was. It has a different more gritty feel to it that i don’t hate but isn’t my style

Of course Iruma pulls this situation into his favor, its so typical of him.

Rio didn’t speak much here and took a general backseat to everything. I wonder if it was because during the time of recording this episode, Rio’s VA, Kamio Shinichiro, went down with The Virus (you know the one) so he couldn’t record much. Who knows but best boy. just let me hear best boy’s voice please

Ramuda’s phone vibrate actively annoys me oh my god it makes my skin crawl

If Ramuda’s sleeping on the couch then that really does confirm that Ramuda lives in his studio. Not surprising considering everything we know about Ramuda but at the same time, please get like a futon or smth sleeping on a couch will only hurt your back

Ramuda just busting in is fun

but im not sure how to feel about two divisions shoved into one. like this is basically telling us who is the important divisions, Ikebukuro and Shinjuku. Obviously BB are the protagonists of the series what with the staff coming out to even say that Ichirou is the hero, and if you know what happens then you know why Shinjuku is also highlighted which. also gives away the ending of the anime. again. I’m just glad that the team decided to stick with the irl results bc if they didn’t, they’d have a lot of angry fans

Back to my main point tho, this just. pisses me off. I love FP and MTC and to see them sidelined like this doesn’t feel fair. they deserve full eps to themselves bc if I’m being honest, these two teams have some of the best inter team dynamics out of the current cast. I understand that budget issues and episode constraints exist but this is just kinda frustrating that my main division has been tossed aside and the team that gets the most overall development gets thrown away too

Im not surprised that they cheated because gambling anime is about who can outcheat the other and the mind games played. thats the thrill of gambling series is the psychological factors in it

Ramuda emulating Gentaro’s speech is cute

The mindgames are not present at all and I expected that lol

thats.... midly gay gentaro lol do you always go around pressing shit into people’s mouths while leaning in close? thats pretty gay lol i love the homoerotic subtext present in this episode. First SamaJyuto and now GenDice

no speaker summon sequence? thats slightly disappointing but whatever. the anime is really doing FP dirty by cutting a lot of corners with their episodes

I never noticed that Ramuda and Gentaro hold their mics in their left hand while Dice holds it with his right. neat detail

I love how even in a battle FP still keeps their preppy attitude

Gentaro looks so awkward to the little sway and kick thing in the song lolol

This is probably one of the songs that I like the least. Jackpost is a very Dice song and not really fitting for either Ramuda and Genaro. I think i’d like it more if it was a dice solo or dice centric but the emphasis was pretty cleanly spread so that makes it pretty hard to enjoy

Oh hell yeah FP meshing as a team is just, so cute. Though that foreshadowing with Ramuda and his candy is just. wow

Yup they kept the og brackets so I think the anime’s going to stick with the IRL results. Which means that any tension they try and build won’t work for ppl who are already familiar with the series but I hope they don’t take that fact as an excuse to slack off

[silveraccent]

Enter Sandman || Grace & Kaden

TIMING: Current (POTW) LOCATION: Grace’s apartment PARTIES: @silveraccent​ @chasseurdeloup​ SUMMARY: Kaden comes to help Grace figure out the source of all the sand in her apartment. Metallica helps them understand what’s going on. Some feels are included. 

There wasn’t a whole lot that Kaden felt like he was getting right as of late. All his efforts to help seemed to be in vain. So when Grace asked for help with a seemingly mundane task, he couldn’t come over to the apartment complex fast enough. It might be stupid but if he could jsut succeed in one thing, just help one person out maybe he could fet his head on straight again, figure this shit out. Alright so she hadn’t asked for help so much as advice, but Kaden was beginning to become an expert on windows. He had certainly repaired and replaced enough by now. Sealing one? Piece of cake. Plus, he was curious about this sand situation. What was sand doing on a fourth floor apartment anyway? Toolkit and sealant in hand, Kaden knocked on the door and waited for her to open it. “Hey. Not a pie but might be more useful in the long run,” he said, offering her a smile. “How are you doing?” He hoped it was a causal question. He worried it might not be. Didn’t hurt to ask, right?

Their last interaction being a bit more disheartening than she had first planned, Grace wanted to make a better impression-- to show that she was doing better. However, the situation with the sand, regardless of having made an effort to clean time and time again since her return to her apartment, was no use. The only explanation was the window carrying its grit through obvious cracks in her window. Though, when she had gotten it replaced, she hadn’t anticipated there being anymore issues. It was possible that the company Regan had referred her to wasn’t that great, and that maybe she should reach out for a refund. Instead, she was pulling the door open to see Kaden. She stepped aside with a smile, “I mean, the pie can wait-- I’m tired of sand in between my toes.” Grace closed the door behind him as she turned back towards the window. “I’m… doing better, actually.” She wasn’t sure if it was the truth, or if she was lying for his benefit-- there was something clearly wrong with him. There was a hopefulness to him, but it was shrouded in anxiety. “Healing right up,” Grace motioned to her ear before she approached the window. “How are you?” She asked, waiting for him to lie to her. 

“Putain de merde, it’s that bad?” Kaden peeked inside and sure enough, sand. Everywhere. It looked like some sort of beach side house. Only that was far from the case. He stepped inside and scuffed a little with his shoe. It didn’t exactly reveal any information about it beyond it was definitely without question in fact sand. That didn’t stop him from crouching down, setting his tools aside to pick some up in his fingers. No, nothing strange. Still. Beyond the fact that it was here at all. “You are?” he said, perking up a bit as he looked up at her. Oh. Maybe he shouldn’t sound so shocked. “I mean, good, that’s good.” His brow furrowed a moment as he stood up again, gathering his things before walking to the window. “You��re sure?” he asked hesitantly. Maybe he should accept the lie, or truth, whatever it was and move on. Hell, she had, she was questioning him. “Uh, been better. I’ll be alright. Let’s take a look at this window, shall we?” He trekked over to the pane of glass in question and started inspecting. The creased in his forehead deepened the longer he looked. It looked… fine. Just fine. He’d just look harder.

Grace watched as Kaden began to investigate the sand. She didn’t know why it was happening, or how. No matter how many times she cleaned, it never seemed to help. It was beginning to get into her bed, too. In an attempt to keep Ruthie’s tank clean, she had moved him into her bathroom, away from any windows. Still, there was sand, even then. “I am,” Grace said after a moment. Maybe if she said it enough times, she’d start to believe herself, too. It’d be easier to convince herself she was okay if she were to say it out loud. Her journey to forgiving Regan had been one that developed purely out of stubbornness at Regan’s unwillingness to accept that she was going to forgive her, but it was bound to happen sooner or later-- Grace was bad at holding grudges, even when somebody had hurt her to the point in which Regan had. Kaden’s deflection caused a crease in Grace’s brows and she crossed her arms over her chest. “Okay, I mean I guess that’s why you’re here, not for anything else, right?” She tilted her head to the side as she looked at him as he began to look at the glass. “Are there any cracks you can see? Maybe I missed something,” She said as she squinted at the window. 

“Hey, I asked how you are,” Kaden said as he continued to run his fingers along the sealant of the window. Putain, it felt even and normal. “I swear if there’s not even a single thing I can get right for once,” he mumbled under his breath, entirely to himself. What if he tore the sealant out or just did it again anyway? That would help. Fucking hell he just wanted to help. Before he let the urge to punch the window get the best of him, he sighed and turned back to her. “Was there something else you wanted to talk about then? You’re making it seem that way. Go on, lay it on me.” It was a bad day when talking was going to be the thing going right for him. It sure wasn’t his strong suit. But he might as well try, it couldn’t be worse than the perfectly sound window he was there to fix. He pushed his hair out of his face and checked the window closer. There had to be something wrong. “You’re sure it’s coming through here? Because I can’t see anything. There’s no reason for this.” He scrunched up his face a moment. Maybe he was looking for the wrong thing. A normal solution to a supernatural problem. Putain de merde, he hoped that wasn’t the case. Increasingly he was thinking it might be.

The longer silence warped the space between them, the more Grace felt his sudden anger. She involuntarily flinched away from him, despite the fact that he hadn’t made a move. Gripping the edge of her window, she tried to focus on it. She wanted to ask what was wrong, but wasn’t sure how. She typically tried to ignore it, tried her best to focus on something else. Maybe she was a horrible empath, her inability to allow people in extending to the matter of when somebody needed a shoulder. “There wasn’t really much,” Grace said as she pressed her fingers into the wall. She wondered if she pressed hard enough, it’d crumble away. “It’s the only place, I think. I don’t know. Maybe the ceiling? But it’s not popcorn or anything, it’s just.. Paint.” She looked up at the ceiling as if to make her point before glancing back over to Kaden. He didn’t seem upset, not visibly, so her asking him if he was okay, she wondered if he’d chalk it up to her just being particularly observant on the recent activities that concerned Regan. “Are you okay?” She asked, voice uneven. 

Kaden saw the flinch and looked around a bit to see if there was anything that might have startled her. There was no sound, he knew that much. If there were, he would have heard it of all people. Especially over her. He grit his teeth, trying to stave off the sudden guilt he felt over the thought. He hadn’t even caused it, not even remotely directly and he still had a feeling it would take a while for that to subside. He sighed and decided he was just going to check the stupid ceiling. “You got a step stool or ladder or something? I mean I could stand on your table but I don’t think you want that.” He looked down at the sand again, picking some up and examining it in his palm, hoping there was some answer here, a clue, anything. “Hmm?” he asked, his head jerking over to look at her. She seemed a little… upset, perhaps? Unsure at the very least. Definitely concerned. “I’m alright. For the most part. Why are you asking?” He could feel tiny pricks of defensiveness creep in and he nearly winced at himself. “It’s been a rough week. Well a rough few weeks actually. But I’ll figure it out, I always do. Anyway, it would be nice if we could fix your sand problem, give me one stupid victory this week, alright?” 

“I have a chair,” Grace offered with a half-smile, half-frown. She padded over to the small kitchenette and grabbed a chair from the dining table and set it in front of Kaden. “It’s not that safe, but the ceiling isn’t too high, right?” She asked as she tilted her head back to look up at the ceiling. She gripped the back of the chair as she watched him fiddle with the sand that was on the ground. She wondered if she’d ever permanently get rid of it, even after more stopped accumulating, or if she’d be stuck with it for forever. Grace tilted her head to the side slightly as he spoke, “I’m just asking. You checked up on me, but is anybody checking up on you?” Something told her that nobody was. By his agitation, his frustration-- his restlessness. She was sure that even if she hadn’t had the abilities that she did, his emotions would be easy to pin. “I don’t doubt you can’t fix it, but it’ll be hard to fix it if you don’t know where it’s… fucked up.” Grace squinted up at the ceiling. There were no visible cracks. 

“Yeah, that’s fine,” he said with a shrug. “Definitely not the most dangerous thing I’ve done in the past two days, it’s fine.” Kaden climbed up and didn’t have too much trouble brushing the ceiling. He ran his hands along it, trying to see if there was anything to drag up. Nothing but dust. “Putain,” he said with a cough. “Who knew ceilings could collect dust.” He coughed a few more times, his lungs trying to clear themselves. “That’s it, though,” he said before climbing back down, “no sand. It’s strange.” He pursed his lips and tried to think of possible connections, explanations. He knew Bloody Mary was hanging around but she had shit all to do with sand. Unless, you know, you figured glass was made from sand. At insane temperatures. No, didn’t seem likely. He was snapped out of his thoughts by her question. “I don’t know. Maybe?” he sighed again. She was barely older than Blanche. She didn’t need any of this bullshit. But he also didn’t want her to keep asking. “A few people have. I don’t know. There’s just a lot. And not much anyone can do.” He rubbed the back of his neck and decided how much he wanted to let her in, how much he wanted to dwell on any of it just yet. “I don’t know how much of my shit you want to deal with. But thanks. For checking,” he said, giving her a half smile. “This helps. By the way. Just trying to, you know, doing normal shit. Helping. Whatever.”

“You’re going to make me insecure about my ceiling,” Grace countered back, squinting up. When Kaden wiped his hand along it, she quickly tipped her head down to avoid any dust falling into her eyes. Grace made way for him to get down and let go of the chair. She wasn’t sure why there was so much sand in her apartment, or the hallways for that matter. All she knew was that she wanted it gone. It didn’t seem, however, by Kaden’s expression, that he knew where it was coming from. Grace watched Kaden carefully, her gaze searching for any telltale features on his face, to see if he would make an attempt to lie-- she’d be able to call him out on it, though, she would be able to feel if he were lying to her. It felt different for certain people, but usually if she paid attention to their mannerisms, their moods, and their words, it was easy to pick apart. For the most part, however, Kaden seemed to be telling the truth. There was certainly a lot going on, all of which she wasn’t sure of-- not that it was any of her business. She wasn’t the type to usually prod, but with somebody who was harboring this much emotional turmoil, it was hard for Grace not to ask questions. “You sound like a broken record,” Grace commented with a laugh, “like me a few days ago, I mean.” Grace crossed her arms over her chest and dug her fingernails into her forearms. “I don’t want you to feel like I’m… being invasive, and honestly I don’t want to invade, but…” She frowned, “I know there isn’t much I can do, so if there is something-- and I’m glad this,” Grace motioned to the window, to the ceiling, “that these things are helping.” Grace wanted to help, she just didn’t know how to. She wasn’t sure if she could. Whatever Kaden was currently going through, it seemed like it hurt. “Sorry we can’t figure out where the sand is coming from,” She muttered, turning back to the window to inspect it again. 

“Look, I’d bet you anything mine is worse but I don’t have to check it for sand.” Yet. Kaden wasn’t so certain this wasn’t the sort of thing to spread throughout the town. Like the eyeballs in the pipes. Guess he should invest in some good dustpans and brooms just in case. He leaned on the chair and avoided her glance for a minute before replying. “I’m sure I do. But I can’t tell you about any of the shit with Regan. I really can’t.” He shook his head and rubbed his brow with a free hand for a moment. “As much as I think you deserve to know. Considering.” Considering her injury and possible death is what started the spiral in the first place. “Keep being stubborn, though. I’m not going to stop you.” Hell, it would do Regan some good to have a reminder of why she was bothering, some tether to the world beyond banshees. And he wasn’t enough. Which was fine, he didn’t think he could handle being her only anchor. It was draining enough as it was. “I don’t know, I’ve made a lot of mistakes recently. Fucking sucks. I feel pretty shit about it. That’s the short version. I’ve done more hurting than helping and it sucks.” His tone was casual and so was his mannerisms but it was masking the guilt churning in his stomach. Any one of the things on his plate would be enough but it felt never ending. “Hey, it’s not your fault. It sounded like a simple fix. I didn’t anticipate, uh, this,” he said, gesturing to the room and all the traces of sand. “Is there anything else you can think of? We must be missing something.”

“I’m not asking you to.” Grace frowned. She didn’t want to be pushy, not with Kaden, not with anyone. In regards to Regan, she wanted answers, but it wasn’t right for her to expect Regan’s boyfriend to divulge any information, especially when Grace barely knew him past their conversation about what was actually worth it and pie, and well, now, this. She dropped her arms from and began to fiddle with a loose string at the hem of her shirt. “Well, you wouldn’t be able to anyways.” She smiled at him, this time one that reached her eyes. There was a sadness in his eyes, and in his voice-- she wondered if it could be interpreted as pity, or if it was something else entirely. She shook the idea that it might be pity-- Kaden didn’t seem the type to offer it so freely. “Oh.” It sounded more like a noise than a word, but she didn’t bother to reiterate it. “I mean, if you’re making mistakes, there’s bound to be a way to fix them, right?” It made sense now, why he was pleading to fix something, to put something back together. She eyed him curiously, wondering what it was he could possibly be messing up-- he worked in animal control. Then again, he had Regan for a girlfriend, and even though Grace wasn’t entirely sure what Regan was, she knew it wasn’t human. “There’ll be things you can fix, and things you can’t fix…” Grace started, eyebrows pulled together, “and sometimes it’s harder to recognize, but the things you can fix, they’re usually the smaller picture things, and that’ll get you to the bigger picture thing, right?” Her words were stolen from her Grandmother, but Kaden wouldn’t know that. “It’s sort of like when you break a mirror. You don’t go for the bigger pieces first, you go for the smaller ones first, because those will hurt you the most later on.” Grace shrugged, “but I don’t know what you’re going through, so I mean--” She let out a harsh laugh, “it could mean nothing to you.” Grace bit the inside of her cheek as she tried to avert her gaze from Kaden, unsure if her words would do more to piss him off, console him, or to make him roll his eyes. At his question, she shrugged, “Uh.. no, but every time I come in and see more of it, Enter Sandman keeps playing in my head.” 

“Is being stubborn a requirement for living in this building? Is that it?” Kaden huffed out a laugh but he did genuinely appreciate it in his own way. He wasn’t sure he liked anyone who would so easily bend over backwards or never try. Annoying as it could be to deal with sometimes. “I don’t think I can give my friend his leg back.” He’d tried to keep his voice flat and unemotional, but there was a small dip at the end. Shit. Guess he wasn’t as good at pretending to be okay as he thought. He pinched the bridge of his nose and tried to bring himself back off the edge. “Sorry. I… Sorry.” He didn’t mean to blurt it out like that. Too late now. “I-- I do get what you’re saying, though. I think.” He inhaled deep and let out a long exhale of breath, slowly. “Some of them can be fixed, though. And I’m trying.” He was probably taking on too much but there was no stopping him now. He didn’t need fae magic to bind his promises when he made them. It had been that way before Regan but he put even more care into them now. Still, her insight, what she said, it sounded… it sounded like she knew first hand. And it wouldn’t surprise him if she did have something in her past that was similar to his mess. The more and more he talked to her, the more the mirror she was talking about was right in front of him. “It means something, though. I get it.” He never thought he’d miss being at a morgue of all places but he had for a while now, it had been weeks since he’d stopped by. He was beginning to realize it wasn’t just Regan he was going to miss running into there on quick coffee runs and lunch breaks. It was a good group over there, Grace and Cece, too. “Enter Sandman?” he asked. “Isn’t it Mr. Sandman? You know, the so--” He stopped dead  and blinked. There was no way. Was there? No. That was… it was just an urban legend, right? Then again, he knew better than to dismiss any legend or fairy tale, most had some origin in supernatural reality. “How… how have you been sleeping?” he said, turning to ask her.

“It must be something in the water.” Grace knew that Kaden was familiar with Blanche, maybe more than herself, and it was clear that both she and the other girl were keen on turning to their stubbornness rather than letting something just run them over. “Give your friend his what--” Grace asked, surprise coloring the tone of her voice. She had been caught off guard by his words, and for a moment, she wasn’t sure if he was exaggerating. It didn’t seem as though he had been. She swallowed thickly and looked down at the ground. Anger flared in him again, and for a moment, Grace had wished she had been like her grandmother-- because maybe if she was, she could ease his pain, even if it were artificial. Instead, she just felt too much, despite distance put between herself and those she cared about. Regan was an example of that. “I just didn’t expect it, is all.” Grace pressed her tongue against the roof of her mouth. She wasn’t sure what to say now, wasn’t sure if her typical morbid sense of humour would save the conversation or make it worse. Grace bit back the urge to mention something about a lizard, and instead offered him a consoling smile, or what mirrored one, “I mean, it can’t be your fault.. It’s not like you know, you… chopped it off or something.” Grace looked at him and wondered what had happened. It wasn’t her place to ask or inquire. The loss of a leg, that was something big, something that she wasn’t sure she wanted to know about. She had her own loss to worry about. The mood in the room overturned into confusion, into something entirely different from the previous anxiety that was beginning to weigh Grace down. When Kaden asked his question, her brows furrowed, “I never really sleep well, that’s nothing new. Why?” There was recognition now, she could even see it on his face. “Kaden, what?” 

Kaden shifted in his stance a bit, his mouth pulling into a thin line as the guilt creeped back up from the pit he’d tried to bury it in for the time being. “I didn’t chop it off, no. But I did-- it’s my fault. I hesitated. In the field. And i invited him out there, I--” Deep breath, pull himself back in. “It’s my fault. At least some of it. I should have known better, been better.” Fuck, he wondered if this was too much. He saw the parallels of his position with Regan’s. He did. And he believed he was more at fault than she was. And in that case, the stark reality that Grace was in the same position as Alain hit him full force. Shit. He didn’t need to shove this in her face, force her to deal with more of this shit. It was bad enough he was a walking reminder of what happened by virtue of who he was dating. Two minutes. Could he get two minutes where he didn’t make everything worse? He rubbed his temples before shoving his hair back and out of his face again. “Yeah, well, I know it’s insane. But you said Sandman. And I’ve got to wonder if just maybe it’s actually… well, that.” Right this was going to go over well. He had no idea where she stood with the supernatural beyond being blasted by a banshee scream. “I know how that sounds, I really do but you know this town is fucking weird, right? You have to. And I’m not saying that it’s for sure but… I don’t know, maybe.”

His words caught her off guard once again. She wasn’t sure how to approach the subject of somebody’s leg being torn off of their body. Grace did, however, want to know what kind of animal had dismembered his friend. She stayed silent, though, pushing her own curiosity away. Now wasn’t the time. She could tell by his expression, the set of his shoulders-- the anger that rolled off of him, that silence was what he needed. Her brow furrowed at his change in expression, his change in emotion. It was like whiplash. Grace reached up to rub the back of her neck, pressing her index and thumb into the sides in an attempt to ease the ache that had been created by the bounce back and forth of Kaden’s emotions. “I don’t know what happened, but I doubt it was your fault.” Grace repeated herself. She didn’t want to toe the line of interfering, not when it was clearly something above her head. Instead, she decided to focus on the idea that Sandman could be wreaking havoc on her apartment building. Grace paused for a moment. “Sandman.” She tested the name on her tongue, it felt odd, felt like something she should be telling a small child, not a full grown adult. Anything could happen in this town, she reminded herself. She had helped, well, not helped, but seen reanimated corpses defeated, had seen fog fish with Nell-- had seen Renee’s ghost. “I-- I guess,” Grace stammered, suddenly unsure. “I mean, it was a joke, but…” Grace picked her brain for her Grandmother’s stories, “People go into a deep slumber, right? My Grandma used to tell me she would call the Sandman to put me to sleep.” Grace fumbled with the loose string at the hem of her shirt. “Somebody in our building, they wouldn’t wake up-- their roommate found them cataonic and they were taken to the hospital, it happened the day I got home.” 

“Thanks for trying to absolve me. Wish it were that simple. But thanks,” Kaden told her, with an attempt at a smile. He noticed her pressing against the back of her neck. “You okay over there?” he questioned, tone of concern in his voice, more than he maybe meant to be there. Damint. If he kept adding to the list of people he cared about, he’d never stop, would he? Putain. The look of disbelief on her face after he suggested an urban legend as something more than that didn’t give him a whole lot of comfort, either. But she wasn’t giving him that look Regan did sometimes so it could be worse. And she seemed to be entertaining him at the very least. “I know, I know. But, well, it rained fish in town once. For weeks. This would be downright normal in comparison.” He nodded along with her story, all sounded right to him. The Sandman. He tried to pull from his well of knowledge from training. It was hard to say if what he knew about the Sandman was from stories or studies. If it was studies, it wasn’t in depth. Why waste time on legendary monsters when there were too many run of the mill ones to deal with on the daily as it was? “Wait, what?” he said, startled at what she said next. “They were catatonic? And wouldn’t wake up? Putain de merde.” He rubbed his temples again, trying to decide where to go from here. “Alright. Okay. I… I don’t know if this is right or real or what to do if it is but better safe than sorry. Do not let his sand come in contact with your eyes, got it? I don’t care what you have to do, wear goggles, a mask, whatever. Is there anywhere else you can stay? It might be the whole building, shit.” He was pacing by now, trying to think. “If it’s the building, you and Blanche and Ari can’t… Putain. Fuck. Grace, this place might not be safe. Do you have somewhere else to go?” He’d asked before but he was pretty sure she might not and he was already trying to run through solutions in his head. “Maybe we can get a shop vacuum or a ventilator or…”

“Oh, uh.” Grace quickly dropped her hand. “I’m fine.” It sucked when her company was just as observant as her, if not more so. Maybe she had been too tired in the hospital to notice it, or maybe it was the mix of all the other individuals that were crowding her, she couldn’t be sure-- however, now it was evident. Kaden had some serious issues, issues that were enveloped in what she assumed boiled down to not only Regan, but his friend with the lost leg. “Just a headache. They happen now.” Grace half-lied. She had noticed a constant ache in her head since the scream, but what she was experiencing now was purely due to Kaden’s back and forth. She was grateful for the change in subject. Kaden’s determination that what had been plaguing her building had been the Sandman was loud, loud enough to drown out whatever turmoil he had previously been undergoing. Grace blinked at him. “I think so, that’s what it sounded like.” She could’ve misheard, but she wasn’t sure. It seemed fitting for this town, and after everything that she had been through-- after everything that others had been through, it was hard to argue against it at this point, but the Sandman? “Wear a mask to sleep? Uh, I don’t, I don’t think so.” The last thing Grace wanted to do was impose on anyone, especially when it was clear that both Blanche and Ariana had their own issues to tend to. The last thing Grace wanted to do was insert herself, to make their problems bigger. Her stomach began to churn. She could see the worry in Kaden’s eyes, could feel it on him. It was beginning to make her think of this as a bigger issue than it was. “You just named the two people that if I had to ask anyone-- it’d be the most convenient.” Grace wrapped her arms around her frame and bit the inside of her cheek. She could go to the office, sleep on the floor. No. She wasn’t ready to go back, not yet. Just because she was on her way to forgiving Regan didn’t mean she was ready to approach the morgue. Grace swallowed thickly, Kaden’s unease burrowing into the frown now pulled at her lips. “If I’m not safe, they aren’t safe either, right?” Grace asked, and she suddenly felt worry for her friends. 

“Okay.” Kaden wasn’t going to press the matter, especially not if it was related to that. Bigger issue was the Sandman, anyway. It wouldn't matter if she was feeling okay or got headaches if she went to sleep and didn’t wake up. He paused his pacing to rub his chin, lost in thought for a moment. “I know, I’ll maybe talk to them, too. See if they have options. Or if, I don’t know, you could check to see if they’re sand free. But I’m worried the issue might be the building.” His mind wandered to one very empty apartment at the moment. “Regan hasn’t been staying at her place for a while, I don’t think she’s going to be back anytime soon.” Right. Hey, Grace, go stay at your boss’s place, you know, the one who busted your ear, while she’s off living in a cabin in the woods being depressed and ritualistically torturing herself, it won’t be a problem. Putain. “Or, uh, maybe not. I mean, I have a couch but... “ It was a small place and he was worried she wouldn’t feel comfortable with that. Which would be more than valid. “I can ask if I can stay at her place and you take mine? For the moment? I don’t know.” This all sounded insane. And if it seemed intense and overbearing to him, someone who believed in this crap, how must it sound to her? Fuck. “It’s entirely possible I’m overreacting,” he said with a sigh. “But you said the sand keeps coming, right? Even after getting rid of it?”

“I think Blanche mentioned that there was sand in her apartment too, but I can’t remember.” The last few weeks had been a blur and getting out of the hospital had only added onto what Grace found hard to remember. She tightened her grip on her frame as she watched Kaden. His anxiety was palpable and it was making a sweat break out on the back of her neck. Taking a deep breath, she excused herself from him to the kitchen, grabbing a glass of water for the two of them. “Regan?” Grace asked over her shoulder. The thought of staying at Regan’s place while she was gone, it was laughable. “I don’t think she’d like that very much.” She isn’t even talking to me. Won’t talk to me, Grace thought. She approached Kaden with the glass of water and tentatively held it out for him to take. “That’s--” Discomfort bloomed in Grace’s chest. The last thing she would want to do would be to take somebody else’s space. She already felt guilty at the idea of asking either Blanche, Nell, or Ariana for a place to stay. “I think--” Grace began, but instead took a sip of her water. She needed to realign herself. His anxiety was beginning to make it hard for her to think logically. “Uh, yeah. No matter what I do, it’s there. It won’t go away.” She looked at the window where sand lined the sill, as well as the ground beneath of it. “It’s possible you’re overreacting, but--” Grace bit her lip. “I don’t really want to test it out.” Maybe Kaden’s anxiety was winning. 

“Right, okay,” Kaden sighed and ran his hands through his hair. Kaden would definitely have to warn the other two. And possibly Regan about where he was staying. He thanked her for the water when she brought it over, didn’t realize how much thirst anxiety worked up. “I mean it,” he assured her, looking her directly in the eyes. “If Blanche and Ari need to stay there at all, too, the offer’s open to any or all of you. If this building is the problem, I don’t want to see any of you hurt.” He really wasn’t sure when his list of people he cared about grew so long. It was almost to the point of weirding him out. Protecting people? Trying to? That made sense to him, though. Guess he’d take it. “It’s not like you’re putting me on the streets, I spend half my time there any… way.” The sentence spilled out without him thinking about it and left his lips before he could even reconsider it. That was obsessively not true at the moment. Fuck. Though to be fair, no one was spending any time there. It’s not like he was imposing. “It’s up to you. If you have nowhere else to go, you’ve got me.”

It had been awhile since Grace felt cared for. At least, cared for in the form of an adult. With her Grandmother gone, and her relationship with her parents nonexistent, Regan was the only adult that had really come into Grace’s life that she felt the relationship had any meaning. Now, there was Kaden. She hadn’t anticipated it, but the more they interacted, the more she looked up to him as an older brother-- somebody she could rely on. The thought was terrifying. Grace didn’t want to think about relying on anyone, not when they had their own issues. “I appreciate it.” Grace murmured, immediately finding discomfort in the way that Kaden maintained eye contact. She could tell he meant it, not because she could feel the compassion in his words, but because the look on his face told her that he meant it. “I don’t have anywhere else to go,” Grace finally said. She didn’t have anyone, not really. Maybe four people now, but all of which she was terrified of inconveniencing. “It won’t be putting you out?” Grace asked after she took a sip of her water, her throat suddenly feeling dry at the thought of allowing somebody to help her.  

“Then you can go to mine. Just let me know when.” This wasn’t how he expected to help, but Kaden was sure that he was at least trying to do the right thing. And that was worth it. Past all the other bullshit happening, this was worth it. “It wouldn’t be putting me out at all.” He wasn’t sure he was prepared to spend the night at Regan’s by himself just yet. But that didn’t matter. He’d get over it. He should probably ask her first but he had little doubt she’d argue with him. Not now, anyway. “Hopefully you’re not allergic to dogs. He’d come with me but I can’t exactly make it smell less like him.” 

[madeintimeland]

im oversharing this got long sorry. just reminscing on shit ive thought about a million times over again

theres so much art i want to create and so little motivation. i should start smoking weed again bc every time im high i get my best ideas or at least like, it takes away the layer of film over my brain that stops me from being able to come up with creative ideas, but also im scared its going to send me into mental hell again. like i need to be in a perfect state for it lest i fear im going to invoke my months long existential crisis again and i Cannot be doing that shit rn. but also i wonder if its going to be worth it anyways if i can create something to leave on this earth again. like ive been so bad at creativity lately like i want to draw and produce things and im bubbling over with energy and i feel the ideas fermenting in the deep recesses of my brain like theyre nestled into the grooves and folds but i cant access them yet. and i know i can if im stoned. i might turn into a hermit hunched over my tablet all hours of the day just making shit tbh. i absorb so much of the things around me and i know if i try to make something now its going to basically be direct copies of the things i saw but if im high im sure i can actually create something new and beautiful. im scared of being intoxicated again but i was scared to drink again too and i got drunk and proceeded to love it and want to drink every single day because surprise surprise i have alcoholism coded into my dna and consequentially have an addictive personality in general. which is why i felt like my life was useless without weed. all up until i was finally able to get my hands on a stash that would let me smoke whenever i want versus when i would get a small amount every couple of months and completely and utterly fail at ratioing it out and binge it all and then have ridiculously introspective trips where id start to go a little crazy at the end (i have a distinct memory of looking at a meme that had a woman on it and thinking ‘jesus christ... what the fuck is that’ and then spiraled into thinking about how life is pointless but i didnt have enough weed to continue with that train of thought and if i did i may have had my crisis a lot earlier, it was just inevitable) i just felt like being high was the only time i could actually get in touch with my inner self again. like i used to before the thick clouds of depression and psychosis settled in. but then i finally was able to get high for longer than short bursts of time and it all came to a head where my brain broke and i have existential terror now that i feel im going to not be able to deal with confronting again. but every time i say that it never ends up staying permanently, it comes in waves, it all comes in waves. back and forth. i feel beauty in life and then i feel fear. i feel like its all worth it and then i cant stop thinking about the inevitable heat death of the universe and the pointlessness of it all. and then i get a hug or listen to a really good song and i feel like its worth it again. i wonder if this is just a period in my life im not a total stoner or if its actually permanent. anyways point is i want to make so much stuff that my hands ache and my brain rots when i think about how many things inspire me. thats why my aesthetic tag is #inspiration, its been like that for many years now, its stuff that inspires me. but at what point am i going to turn that inspiration into reality? im bad at initiative. my initiative is going to be when i pick up the pot again because im too lethargic and procrastinatey to create the things i want any other time. but when will that be? i cant see a therapist or anything rn and working it out on my own has been mildly successful, not bad, im not spending every single day in terror like i was at this point last year. it started all going away around august after starting in march. march 30th in fact. from then on its been a constant battle with dissociation. funny because just earlier in march was some of the best experiences of my life. i think if lockdown never happened this never would have happened either but at the same time im left wondering how anybody can go through their life without wondering about the meaning of it all and coming out the other side with purpose and resolve. mine was to enjoy myself and find as much beauty and love in life as i can before i die and enhance the lives of the people around me while i can because i feel too small to do anything on a grander scale. and im fine with that, for the most part, but i still get attacked by these waves of thought where i wonder what the purpose of reality is . i always have to smack myself and remind myself no dumbass you already went over this a million times, just enjoy yousrelf while youre here. but when im high its a million times worse cuz the only time i can get my mind off it is when im replacing it with horny thoughts and thats not the only thing i wanna do when im high ofc i want to experience and create and listen to music. but i mean i havent smoked since june. i think the 15th ? i could go back and read my journals to tell exactly when it was but yeah its been almost a year now and i feel like i might have it in me again. i used to love getting high and working on shit so much. some of my best works and most  creative projects and honestly just most enjoyable periods of my life were when i was high. going back to what i was saying about early march 2020 being the best time of my life, idk what it was about me but i was just having a grand old time experiencing absolute beauty playing ark with my friends, feeling so creative and developing new ideas and experiences, and using the freedom and motivation i felt ingame to also want to explore the world irl. i seriously was close to actually finally reading my survival manual and start camping and shit and i wanted to visit my relatives in their hella secluded farmhouse in the middle of fuck nowhere kansas, cuz i did visit there during that time period and i loved it to death, i felt so free. two different relatives actually and they both had that same aesthetic about them. of course they were horribly racist but i mean, thats rural kansas for you. i just wanted to camp in their woods. its funny because that month was simultaneously the best and worst of my life. all because of weed! if i never started smoking or rather never found a reliable source at that point in my life i wonder how i wouldve turned out? id like to chalk this up to fate that im like this, maybe its for the best, maybe smoking again wont help me but maybe it will. i have a way to ease myself back into it i just need that leap of faith and  bravery like i felt when i was drinking again. its funny because i used to be such a fucking druggie and i wanted to get high all the time and then after my existential crisis that all just. stopped. i feell ike everyone i know is sick of me talking about it but it really fundamentally changed me on the inside even if it doesnt seem like it much on the outside so i feel its right of me to talk about it sometimes. it makes me feel better at least. like this is jsut a thing t hat happened, not a fated break from the universe i cant come back from yknow? i dunno. ive rambled on way too fucking long and idk if anyones gonna read this. tldr i want to draw and create so many things and i have too many ideas to deal with but i only feel ill be able to unlock my creativity and motivation if im high but due to bad past experiences im terrified to get high again. i mean ive done and made some pretty cool stuff since then but the motivation and ideas are much fewer and far between compared to the absolute deluge i get when im stoned , whether any of my ideas are actually any good or if they were just high ramblings is up to debate but i think it gave me a really good way of looking at things and i made some pretty cool stuff and i miss it a lot but i dont know if going back to it is going to be a mistake or not and im not brave enough to find out if itll hurt me again or if im ready. yyyyaaaayyyyy hahahaha ✌