#its just weird bc the way he talks abt it feels like hes minimizing it or downplaying it even tho he acts self aware and says like ik i was

[nmn-yty]

— ๋࣭ ⭑࿐ spring basking ｡o♡⋆˚｡⋆.

pairing: park sungho x reader

summary: taking care of your needy kitty sungho

tags: 「SFW! fluff! | hybrid!sungho | park sungho literally the definition of a cat | cute cat cuddles | reader has no gender!」

word count: 0.8k

a/n: more fluff!!! might just write abt all the members at this point (im the best onedoor ever). this is rlly short bc it was just an idea that came into my mind quickly and i didn't want to make it too long. also ive been writing some smut ideas but im not sure if i will release them bc smut is a little controversial from what ive seen around. anyways i hope you enjoy! also i hope writing abt hybrids isn't weird><

+ stylized lowercase, missing punctuation (not done on purpose), and minimal revisions

he always ran up to the windowsill to bask in the sun when the light shined in. typical for a cat, he's been doing it a lot as the spring season approached. you always had the windows propped open slightly to let some fresh air in. the breeze would ruffle sungho's long brown fur while he dozed off to the birds chirping in the distance.

you walk downstairs to find him there by the window. today was extra sunny so the rays shined down on him vibrantly. his fur was almost a bright orange from the light.

"lazy kitty." you sat on the empty space next to him. his small cat body was moving up and down at a slow pace, he always seems to sleep in the sun.

you reached out to pet his back. his body twitched slightly but he was still fast asleep. you kept petting him and you could start to hear small purrs coming from him, he was waking up. one tiny movement from his head and he realized you were finally beside him. he stands up quickly and jumps into your lap.

you flinched in fear, in a second he turned into his hybrid form, his cat ears spawned out from his hair to twitch and touch your stomach. his head now rests in your lap while he has one leg perched up on the sill and one hanging off. his tail sways slowly, the tip curling from time to time.

"i told you not to do that!" you lightly scolded him. he couldn't help but transform in your presence. it's always better for the both of you to talk this way. you also got to feel like the cat when he transforms, as he engulfs your body whenever you two hug. you found it quite interesting that there was a little power imbalance in your relationship. whenever sungho is in his cat form, he can't fully express how he feels. he's limited to being a cute cozy cat, but any reciprocation at any form makes the both of you happy.

"sorry," he chuckled between syllables. he couldn't help but stare up at your face. he was begging to get more pets from you. he balled up his fists and moved them next to his cheeks, imitating paws. while in his hybrid form he loves to make you flustered at any moment. he wiggles his ear more closely to your stomach. his eyes are glowing, his pupils dilated. youve been down this road before, and you already knew not to resist. you pet his head gently, swiping his bangs to get a full view of his face. you start to play with his cat ears, scratching behind them making sungho start to purr again.

he shuts his eyes and flashes his contagious smile, "i really love spring when im with you."

you couldn't help but lean down and give him a quick kiss on his forehead. his tail started to sway happily. you loved when sungho could tell you how he's feeling. he sometimes hid away while being in his cat form. moments like these where you can make him happy were the ones you looked forward to the most.

"so you dont love me during the other seasons?" you felt a bit offended. spring can be a bit harsh at times, but each season has its pros and cons.

"no i do!" he sounded panicked at first, "i just love when i can feel the sun against my fur again, and when you sneak up on me while im sleeping."

"i love it too, i know spring is finally here when i catch you being lazy by our window."

that word made him narrow his eyes.

"youre mean," he said in a sulky tone. he got up from your lap and jumped off the sill, turning back into a cat in a flash. he quickly ran through the house up the stairs.

"hey, slow down! im sorry! come back i was just kidding!" chasing after a cat that was asleep just a few seconds ago seemed like it would be easy. sungho just loves to show off and take the upper hand.

you reached the top of the stairs trying to figure out which room he couldve gone into. your first thought was to check your room, and he didn't do a good job at avoiding you because he was in plain sight, laying on his back on your bed.

"meow!" he was waiting for you to give him attention all of a sudden.

"look who's the mean one now, hiding away in your cat form," you say while rubbing his belly. he shuts his eyes and purrs start to rise out of him again. you just have to wait for him to want to transform again, to know his true thoughts.

© nmn-yty ★

[scarletanpan]

.

Tw for transphobia ig? Not super serious I just cant focus til i scream abt this so sorry

Tumblrs tryna get me in something I keep seeing out of context discourse abt transandrophobia , tried to avoid it bc it was hitting a sore spot but finally looked and. Don't get why ppl arguing it shouldnt be a term for transmascs/trans men bc they only experience transphobia while being benefited by the patriarchy. Like u are still. Trans? Rlly its a weird cocktail of transphobia, misogyny, and misandry where ppl dont see u as a man if they know ur female, but get uncomfortable abt u presenting as masc, like ur ruining urself and hrt turns u into some evil scary creature bc men are bad apparently and bioessentialism is a curse upon this world that needs to be eradicated like.

The timing of this got to me bc the one person I came out to fully was a guy(who had a crush on me the whole time unfortunately) that immediately responded by letting me know he was into femboys. Then clarified he also liked masc women, and every time we talked from then on he brought up guy stuff but would stop and go 'yeah idk if i should say it.. ur like a girl u know, right?' Exact phrasing no matter how many times I said haha ig but 80% of the time i feel like a guy, but I couldnt be anything other than a girl to him unless I was a femboy. He confessed that multiple times like it was some suggestion..? Great way to get ur gender fucked up like back tf up damn cognitively I am Not there yet i was just excited abt sharing my identity w someone.. I dont have an issue w them they're cute I just felt wildly dysphoric abt it. Which is why I'm complaining ig my bad its wild but minimal in comparison to stuff I read the Actual point is.

This seems to just be a handful of ppl holding these opinions and they get spread around, and they have issues w afab nb ppl like?? The complaints I've seen seem to be targeting some idea of afab nb ppl being able to use their status as a privilege which. Idk what imaginary yt skinny middle class easily able to pass being they think comprises all afab nbs and transmascs? Like have yall never heard of intersectionality a little?? Even within that group there is so much variation yall are gonna lose it when u realize race, physical appearance, money, social status and abt a million other factors impact most ppls ability to be trans while receiving any respect or affirmation like

Show me where most ppl dont look at afab nb ppl and treat them like a girl or ignore any of ur pronouns besides she/her like. It's just dumb to deny ppl the right to talk abt how they experience transphobia bc u assume every nb person can pass or wants to idk?? As an nb I don't ever rlly expect to reach passing one way or the other but we live in a society so ppl will not respect that and thats the real issue! So weird like we need to be focusing on the transphobes that don't want any of us to have the right to transition or express ourselves. Which is what I plan to do now I've said my piece but idk afab nb ppl get behind me I'll fight to the death like. I'll fight to the death for all of us we all experience oppression in one way or the other and attacking certain communities over preconceptions doesn't help imo

And last note I don't wanna seem like idk how pressing of an issue transmisogny is ik how heavily targeted trans women are on a public scale comparatively there's always something to be said abt that. And a lil nervous abt using afab I don't wanna be exclusionary but couldn't find anyone using another term for nb ppl like me I'm tryna educate myself on intersex liberation on the side.. just don't think we need to infight we should listen to each other

[twsted-idiot]

MWAHAHA 4, 6, 13 AND 15!!!!! for riley, mia, and kai :3

GRAHH!! Ed, violence (duh..), sa, sh, cannibalism, and implied suicide tw.

4.How do they feel about sparing women and children if given the choice? Do they value certain lives over others?

Mia: ermm. Women she doesn't give a shit, unless it's like. She sees that the woman HAS a child/going to have one, then she'll spare them, unless it's like. A personal thing lmao. But otherwise❌❌❌❌ with kids, she usually leaves em 💀

Kai: he does not. Care. Either way. Pregnant?? 2 in 1. Child?? Easier target. He does not care. If he's hungry he's hungry. He's a boyliker, hes more likely to spare a guy than woman.

Riley: same as Mia tbh. If it's a pregnant woman or she sees that she has a child, unless shes a piece of shit, she'll leave em. She spares kids 99.99999% of the time, they remind her of her brother so.

6. How far would they go to save someone they love? Would they sacrifice themselves? Others?

Mia: herself if she had to, but def others without question. She doesn't really have friends so..that's not a problem. She's a bit hesitant when it comes to people like Cathy, but if necessary, she would.

Kai: himself and others <3 LMFAO NO ONE IS SAFE!! He killed and ate his own father, killed and ate random people because he wasn't being fed. You think you're safe?? LMFAO..

Riley: ...we both know the answer to this. Herself and others. Without hesitation either way. We're talking Abt Riley. The bitch that killed a girl, chopped her up while she was alive, out her body in a box, and put her on her boyfriend's doorstep. Because he was cheating on her w that girl. And then eventually killed him too. You think she won't slaughter one of her friends?? (She doesn't have many. So not really a problem.)

13. What's their relationship to their body? Self esteem? Self image?

Mia: She acts all confident and cocky but she hates it. She hates being tall and curvy. It attracts so much unwanted attention and attempts to touch her n shit. She also hates her vitiligo, she thinks it looks weird on her.

Kai: other than being feminine (mainly hips and chest. He doesn't really mind the smaller waist) he actually likes it. He's not like, confident and cocky Abt it, but he's also not super self conscious about his body or anything.

Riley: the worst out of the three. She hates it sm, sges short, flat, and covered in scars (self inflicted and otherwise though she's more bothered by ones that aren't sh.) She has shit self esteem, but won't say it out loud. She thinks her heterochromia is weird, and she doesn't like her freckles.

15. How do they kill? Do they try to minimize suffering?

Mia: honestly depends on the person, she doesn't give a shit about how much it hurts them, to her it's what's more efficient. If it's random, blunt force trauma (wether it's from a bat or something else.) If it's someone she has something against, your ass ain't dying fast!! She's sadistic, so she'll keep you alive as long as she feels like/she's able to.

Riley: also depends on the person. And her mood. Also doesn't really care Abt suffering, unless its someone she can somewhat sympathize with, it's just whatever she's in the mood for. She chopped a bitch up while she was still alive, if that tells you anything. Like. Cut off her limbs n shit. Shoved it in a box too. But like. She's not AS sadistic, she'll just stab the fuck out of you.

Kai: HE DOES NOT CARE!!! He WILL bite someone. While they're alive. N eat their flesh. In front of them. He's arguably as bad as Mia, sadistic little fucker. If he's in the mood he'll torture (aka if it's not bc he's hungry.) N I mean like. Ripping off nails, stabbing in non vital spots, hell start cutting off limbs n shit too (start gnawinf on them in front of the person 💀) so. Yeah. No. He doesn't give a shit Abt suffering

[captainunderkrupp]

guess what I have a whoooole bunch of autistic/adhd!hickory hcs :3c bc i got to ramble abt it and now i’m gonna throw them here real quick-- (under the cut bc this got l o n g)

audio processing is wonky. he's p good at focusing on ppl he's talking to but always feels so awkward bc he can hear conversations happening across the room no hes not eavesdropping he can just hear it that's a l l v good for intel gathering tho

on the subject of accidental eavesdropping... hickory was rly proud when he realized he could use it for gathering info on marks. he accidentally overheard someone making plans in a bar and told dickory, who was rly baffled and amazed that hickory managed to hear that over the din of the bar, which made hickory realize That's Not Super Common and then he felt a little bit better abt it after bc he felt super awkward abt it before

object permanence gets weird w adhd. for example, out of sight out of mind is just a general truth. this boy has to keep things in front of him/in his awareness or hes just like '...wait does that thing exist.' so he doesn't have much in the way of stuff he doesnt use often and tends to rebuild less common items he might need bc he forgot them somewhere lol

this unfortunately can extend to relationships :( trips to lonesome flats can make him feel a little bit emotionally distant from his new friends/partners in pop village... and visa versa during trips to pop village and w friends/family in lonesome flats

hickory uses coffee as a form of self-medication, since the caffeine helps him calm down and focus. he gets weird when he doesn’t get to drink it. it’s also his special interest!! he loves talking abt coffee and could do it for ages 

dickory Does Not understand how coffee doesnt make hickory jittery. he just has one cup and gets all jumpy, meanwhile hickory feels the most chill hes been all day w his first cup. dickory would probably stop drinking coffee w minimal downsides except that hickory keeps automatically making him a cup every day and it tastes rly good so

he prefers drinking coffee in the evening/night bc it helps him sleep. another reason dickory is constantly ??? abt how hickory isnt just bouncing off the walls, esp since when hickory was younger and not old enough for coffee yet he was an absolute nightmare to try and get to sit still

time blindness is a thing and hickory personally measures time in his music and cooking times as opposed to... an actual system of time. hug bracelets are actually super useful as a tool to train time awareness since they go off every hour and he gets mildly weirded out when he realizes he knows when it's gonna go off, since hes not normally so great at that kind of thing

hyperfocuses on construction projects. great for finishing big things in one go. not great for remembering to eat food/sleep. dickory tends to have to drag him away when he's been sitting and carving for 14 hours

hes not super great at volume control but since he grew up yodeling he's much better at it than he might have been. he tends to either be slightly soft spoken or VERY LOUD

usually v good at reading ppl but also tends to overcorrect abt making sure they heard/understood him, partially bc of the soft spokenness, partially bc english is his second language, partially bc he knows he leans on metaphors/idioms a lot

oh yeah he does that too!! its just easier to make a metaphor/simile/idiom that ppl already know and have context for rather than try and explain himself. makes him seem very good at being succinct. however sometimes he mixes up german and country ones and sometimes ppl dont know them at all and he gets stuck in a rambly loop attempting to explain himself... more than just branch have gotten a little snappy and went "ok yes i get it"

loves chewing on stuff. doesnt normally chew too hard but oh my god there is always smth in his mouth unless he's talking. dickory ends up reusing old habits of handing off things that ur allowed to chew on when he starts helping w clampers, tho he quickly figures out he has to give her much tougher things than hickory ever needed

hickory ends up sharing a lot of stims w his friends/family/partners bc he was like 'i use them for self comfort i can help them out by teaching them right?' and now sometimes he just ends up grinning when he sees them mirroring smth he does bc yes it did help them :)

hickory usually holds onto his belt/suspenders when he's thinking/embarrassed and can get a little anxious if he ends up not having anything to grab onto. putting his hands on his hips works but its like... not rly good enough, in his opinion

[transrightsjimin]

@trespassers-will​ ok here we go

i also watched the various videos hidden inside each photo and the videos that were posted today as well and took notes too hjfhk

1. hobi’s room

okay so i thought i would rank jin’s room first but then i saw hobi’s room and i saw that couch nd went OMG okay thats no.1!! i love this interior so so much, like i normally hate orange and blue as a combination but this seems almost more like red and blue and it really reminds me of hopeworld. there’s many pop art-like graphic design posters adorning the walls, showing lines like ‘hope‘, ‘sweet’ and ‘my way‘. the shoes on the closet(?) behind him were disaplayed bc those are the colours we wears the most in his fashion. and then there’s this iconic inflatable clear pink couch and him wearing a pink robe and just GOD what a mood, i want a room like this!! the chair reminds me a lot of the type of fun quirky furniture i fantasized about and incorporated into my drawings as a kid when i was around 8-11, probably because i got inspired by stuff like totally spies and polly pocket, which had all these designs clearly inspired by 60s and 70s space age design but more in pink and purple i guess.

also i hate the search for such stills bc even w safe search on, you still have godawful f3tish drawings depicting those kids from totally spies ending up in search results and it’s disgusting. but yeah it reminded me of that

when i say polly pocket, i particularly mean this quik-clik (magnetic clothes and hair) era in 2005 which was what i had some stuff from. i had that couch / movie night! set and the pool and that

also i just really like hobi’s room because with all the posters and cabinets and clothing items laid out and a carpet and fun colours and whatnot, it really feels like an actual room you could live in, unlike any of the other rooms which feel very empty or too minimalist to me. but YEAH hobi’s room is my fav, i love the way a fuller room feels more cozy and habitable and floaties and inflatable floaties are AMAZING

2. jin’s room

jin’s room is so prettyyyy!! jins explanation of the room was very uhm confident and funny but i love that. the couch looks like a lilac shell, which makes sense as everything else looks very pearlescent. i really love cool-toned pastels like lilac, powder / baby blue, periwinkle and everything just looks like it’s part of a waiting hall for mermaids or something. there’s also gems in it which took me a while to realize bc i only noticed the glass chandelier and lamp but then i saw them in his hand nd on the table. i dont rly care abt gems / jewels but overall i just love how this whole room speaks ‘pretty‘ to me. robes are always a plus. as i was writing this, i was also reminded of hair extension mullet jin with iridescent clothing and all and that is actually my all time fav photoshoot / look of him. him saying he’s the gem of the room makes sense too as he’s sitting in the shell like a pearl. jin pretty pretty mermaid

ok from here on its getting harder bc place 3-8 is not so much abt which is nicer but which one actually makes me feel any emotion bc i just feel too exhausted for excitement over comebacks or anything really. also minimalism doesnt make me feel anything either. but ill try

3. jungkook’s room

ok ive been staring at a screen w few sleep for too long so ill try to go through my ranking faster bc ive been working on this post for too long, also partially bc i cant focus nd partially bc theres some i just rly dont feel much for but i feel bad for ranking one lower than the other or ranking smth higher when ive talked to someone who dislikes a room i like dghkfdf

but yeah i like jungkooks room! its a very intense blue tht might make you depressed if youre in it too long but again i love how theres multiple items stacked in the bg and intense blue lights, and the ceiling looks like it has soundproof padding. its like youre in a recording studio or at some vaguely nostalgic party of a friend of my mom, who had plants in her home nd rock music nd the tv on and was smoking nd it was a bit dark and mysterious. i like it, it intrigues me a bit nd makes me miss going to concerts. also this pic rly just reminds me of 2008-2010 pop music videos where theres always a party and dj and people are wearing sunglasses or something and theres a dance break at the end

4. yoongi’s room

also blue!! the first time i saw this pic it was bc someone sent it to me to say how ugly they thought the decoration / editing looked w the metallic dripping stuff from the couch and whatnot but i kinda like it :( i like his velvety clothing and the light blue in the rest of the room is really pretty. i like mirror themes when done well nd i like how the reflectiveness shows also in the metallic dripping nd metallic spheres and the mirror hes standing on nd the way light reflects on his clothes and from the lamp. only the lamp feels a bit too much like a contemporary art installation for me nd his room already is a bit too empty for my liking nd i had the feeling when i watched the vid of him walking through the room that there was not much to interact w in the room like it was a bit dull. his voice in the explanation videos made it feel more like a place of peace / solitude rather than boredom or loneliness though.

5. namjoon’s room

ehh i think place 5, 6 and 7 are interchangable at this point. namjoon woulve ranked lowest but i listened to his explanation videos and saw him goof around in today’s video and appreciated it a bit more. the room still looks quite minimalist and not super comfortable, like youre not allowed to touch anything there (which is the same for jin i guess but i dont view that as smth meant to look like a living room). i do like how the wood theme is present throughout each wall nd in various items and w the windows nd use of space it feels a bit inspired by japanese interior design and that that is inspired by his bonsai tree nd love for woodwork, but im not sure. i was actually quite shocked some of his explanations were so short. so yeah i place this 5th bc i like how coherent the theme is but it doesnt feel cozy or inviting nd still very cold to me, maybe bc it looks too expensive or minimalistic in terms of colours.

6. jimin’s room

i like the flowers but also i dont like tiny flowers nd they tend to be the stinkier ones. i kind of like how jimins room feels the most like a grandma one w all the flowers nd offwhite and the lamp and beige i think? but the colours are so muted and if anything it feels like a place for a bridal photoshoot nd im just so bored. i love jimin nd feel bad for ranking a room he curated so low but it rly creates no serotonine in my brain, just melatonine bc im sleepy. i like how the room i obviously quite packed w stuff, but then the washed out colours make everything still look very bleak. hmm. i do like how the flowers reach outside the borders unlike w any of the others’ photos. im about to fall asleep so let me quickly finish this post

7. tae’s room

the picture in the middle behind him is interesting nd i dont know how he made that, nd i do like how he described his room as a place where there would always be enough food for visitors. i know it’s meant to communicate some highbrow, artsy vibe but w the weird editing and lightning nothing looks real in the room he’s in (including himself, like it doesnt even look like hes in the room) and it just looks kitschy instead of artsy. yeah i dont gravitate towards this one, it’s like deep-fried and desaturated at the same time nd i tend to avoid looking at it subconsciously

8. the first room photo

i first posted a long description here why but it disappeared but in short. this photo evokes no emotional response to me other than think of kind of crappy hotel rooms i was in w my parents while on vacation nd we slept in the same room or something nd the beds were awful nd made my moms chronic pain worse. the clothing is very boring and so r the colours of the room. i know bangtan curated stuff but its still the least interesting photo to me, maybe im too depressed to feel anything idk

im sorry this was prob very boring TT_TT i tried my best to make a ranking but i rly dont know nor care as much as i would want to

[y01te-moved]

🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻🌻

i almost cant even count how many this is but im doing every single one anyways and you cant stop me despite the fact that this obviously took me ages to actually answer

1: if ur reading this ur legally obligated to follow max (sender of this ask) Right Now. Just Do It.

2: i think more ppl with my sense of humor should watch Spider Riders bc listen..  if somewhere along the line that show suddenly gained more popularity again in this fine year of 2019 id be both actually funny for once but also revolutionary. by all technicalities some of my hcs are fucking great but i dont think i could say a lot of them and even be comprehensible outside of orientation based ones that are just rlly controversial. granted im not even sure i could or would actually recommend the show to people cause its kinda dumb a lot of the time and also fairly long at least to my standards so its harder to finish unless ur like really invested in it :pensive:

3: also on that note the next time a horny person even THINKS about Corona im Going to break into their home and then break their knees. i hate that she has so much fanart thats basically just fetish art or otherwise managing to be nsfw in some way shes like 15 at best fuck off!! its rlly only a problem on like. deviantart but it still makes me die inside.

4: character development is hard i never actually keep my ideas and what i have written down on like.  my actual bios for everyone on the same pace so its a confusing mess and i wish i was better at combating that

5: anon and kanon r such good loids i wish people used them more but i think a part of the problem is that i dont always look That hard for things that use them ahdbsadgashdj

6: alex is the best sdv bachelor and im not accepting criticism on that notion. 2nd best would probably be like..  sam except i havent tried hard enough to be friends with him yet which i feel bad abt bc he seems nice

7: i miss the cracking open a cold one with the boys meme that was still one of my favorites

8: (goes BACK to thinking about SR shdfjds) the anime had no right having like so many characters base their ideals off of how brade used to be in the past and all those good takes on like not necessarily Having to resort to violence as the ultimate solution and all that good stuff just to be like, “surprise!! he actually IS still around! but also he’s going to be minimally helpful at all until the last few episodes and otherwise we’re going to make a ton of gags about him trying to hit on the like 2 girls in the team who are also like 15 while he ignores practically everyone else because thats funny!” im still so mad about it. he is the absolute worst and he has no rights. there was also so much potential they seemed like they could have used and were trying to hint at using in terms of further developing more important details about the history of the inner world or at least some of the things that had been going on well before hunter ever showed up and then they didn’t do anything but hint at the idea of brade having known hunter’s grandfather. but even that wasn’t 100% confirmed bc they dodged around it the one time they had hunter ask. its a mess.

9: my taste is so fucking weird and i hate it bc its mostly just, “oh yeah i heard abt this thing and it seems cool im hoping to start getting into it soon!” for most things that are actually cool or popular or all that and never actually get into it, but then i see smth dumb as shit that i know would probably make me look like an absolute fool for liking and im like, “oh yeah yknow what i can do this one” and then i do like it but i cant say much about it either cause i dont wanna look like.   a fool.

10: these have been depressing as fuck so im gonna lighten the mood and say that himbo is a fucking hilarious word and i love it

11: also axel (kh) is a himbo. why? he just is.

12: im also bad at character design i think bc i always worry that my characters look too similar in terms of hair style like all the time and idk if its rlly that bad or not jfhgkf.  that and like. so many of my characters just wear jeans and boots in terms of the lower half of their body its so unoriginal but it always works so well…

13: still disappointed in myself for having never 100%’d even 1 tlodw game. lunatic mode.. Difficult

14: i dont keep up with ace attorney fans but i hope everyone out there agrees that miles has peak vampire energies based on the way he dresses alone

15: re:zero fans have no rights only bc i only ever see ppl talking abt rem and ram like. wh..   was no one ever going to tell me about reinhard or was i just supposed to watch him get introduced in the first few eps and then fall in love w/him immediately before even finding out hes supposed to be a knight which makes him 20x better

16: leon and/or leonhart is like genuinely a good name idk why it just sounds rlly nice

17: ive had like so many technical difficulties with this site since trying to answer this i hate tumblr

18: im pretty sure im like. genuinely just gonna go mute or some shit one day cause honestly ive mostly only ever gotten worse and worse about not actually being able to say things even when i know exactly what thought im trying to say, both physically and like. online. its so weird i feel like i just cant say things. it may just be being self conscious but i restrict myself soo heavily and its WEIRD….  its like being trapped in ur thoughts and it sucks.  probably doesnt even actually mean all that much but it still makes it hard for me to accomplish anything ever which i hate.

19: despite all the titles like ssbu and all that existing for the switch i think id only want one to play the new(er) inside system games i havent had the chance to yet like the spinoff card game and rudymical and also brave dungeon but w/neville and klinsy and whoever else was dlc on that game cause obviously i own the 3ds port but also neville..  good…  i wanna see how she plays..

20: i miss when i could be passionate abt cave story it just makes me feel tired seeing it sometimes at this point but it also still holds a great significance to me so its just confusing and im not sure how i feel abt it

21: the SR novels were cowards only on account of not giving us any official design for petra but also for writing igneous like.  That.  novelverse igneous is just too bitter in general and like i get it but they couldve done a lot more with him even though he is still somewhat respectable in the end, granted its hard cause like holy shit hes so fucking mean to hunter literally who asked for that. im just glad the anime let him be somewhat more idk..  i guess sociable while still keeping a lot of the inherently essential aspects his personality had like his almost over the top loyalty to the prince and taking things like training/combat in general very seriously. its just good and animeverse igneous is so good id die for him thanks for coming to my tedtalk

[marsupial-tapir]

☾ voltron crew

sleep headcanons for the space kids LETS GO

pidge: Sleep Is For the WEAK. pidge asserts they’ve optimised their sleep schedule into a complex system of power naps, which produce maximum mental output for minimal sleep time and thus skillfully eliminate the need for “”beds””. the fact that they fall asleep in the middle of the day on inconvenient semi-perilous surfaces is an unfortunate side-effect, and one that will be WORKED OUT if u just give them time to TEST THEIR HYPOTHESIS,, shiro,, listen,, its an unperfected theory,,, theyre still mapping out their circadian rhythm but theyve nearlly got it now….  they donnt need to go to bed rig htnow they DONT they can stay up a litlle… longer… nno theyre not falling asleep on their keyboard theyre just… powernapppign… shiro lissten,,., 

oh um also when they were kids pidge and matt shared a room (byproduct of their parents putting them together for convenience when they were tiny, and as they grew up they liked it too much and protested whenever their parents tried to give them their own rooms) and theyd stay up late into the night talking abt science or trying to outdo each other with dumb made-up stories about aliens or making intricate structures out of bedroom items (piece of cake during the day; much more fun in the dark). pidge stopped sleeping properly the day matt disappeared. one day theyre gonna get him back and theyre gonna stay up late again and probably set up prank traps on the ship at 2 in the morning and give shiro grey hairs together and its gonna be great

shiro: u know nobody’s gonna sleep well after 3 years as a prisoner on a galra ship. im sorry space dad. i wish u could rest too. luckily after a few weeks of sleepless nights coran or allura probably notices and then altean tech steps in to help. (theyve got stasis pods or brain-calming alien fruits or something). also helpful are his Pidge Retrieval Missions. some nights when sleep is bad he does a top-bottom search of the ship and the pidge-sized nooks therein. carrying a weakly-protesting 14-year old back to bed is aq surprisingly calming activity. he is lulled to sleep by the fulfilling sense of Dadness

keith: hasn’t had a full night’s sleep since he came out of the galra womb. poor kid. i would like to say that it’s because peaceful sleep messes with his Constantly-Vigilant Cryptid-Spotting Tortured Fashion Icon aesthetic and that he stays up all night watchign illuminati confirmed videos and trying to replicate shiro’s eyeliner technique while listening to mcr albums on repeat,, and not because he lived alone in a freezing shack in a hostile desert,, probably angsting abt whether shiro was alive,, and where his family was,, and how old and isolated he was gonna get before he found out whether bigfoot would ever love him back,,, but regardless of the cause he’s a fitful sleeper and has lived his whole life pretty much getting short snatches of rest here and there throughout the day. he’s never really felt safe enough to know what deep sleep feels like. UNTIL, of course, he boards the castle of the lions, and then suddenly.. its like…. he has a bed?? a?? roof?? the comforting ambience of noises from people who arent gonna try to eat him in the night?? shiro right next door and not in need of rescue?? i mean he still keeps his knife under his pillow but as time goes on he starts getting this weird like. unconsciousness. its kind of like napping but it involves almost no nightmares and goes on for HOURS. he can feel this happening and he is UNCOMFORTABLE like nnO i cant rest i gotta stay VIGILANT i gotta.. i gotta… until he is lulled soundly to sleep by the sound of hunk snoring and coran singing space opera on some far corner of the ship and pidge tapping on their laptop as they perch on the end of keith’s bed (handy hiding place from meddling shiros). he feels safe. its weird. 

lance: i mean the first thing that comes to mind is that scene with lance swanning out of his bedroom draped in a silk bathrobe, nourishing facemask and custom blue lion slippers, glittering with the otherworldly radiance of the ultra-rare Well-Rested Youth, and based on this evidence youd think lance would be the World’s Number One Beauty Sleep Expert. HOWEVER. u remember that post that zoomed right in on lance’s sleep earmuffs and they had green on them?? and looked suspiciously like pidge’s nerdy headphones from episode 1?? ya pidge gave him their headphones because lance has trouble sleeping. hashtag confirmed my dudes. certainly back home lance could sleep 11 hours through the apocalypse in the middle of a storm with a dance party happening next door (when u have to juggle 6 siblings, hunk as a roomie and an obligatory 12 hours beauty sleep u learn to Adapt) but now, lightyears away from home, sleep doesnt come so easily. the ship is quiet in unfamiliar ways, and when ur supposed to be sleeping u cant fill those weird silences with ur own comforting noise. he doesnt talk abt it to anyone, of course. that would be Lame. (but pidge notices him sleeplessly fidgeting one night and quietly lends him their headphones. just to shut him up, of course. sleep well, you fucker.) also important: lance keeps up with a strict nightly skincare routine and adorns himself with luxurious sleepwear each night, partly because u have to look fab to have good dreams,, obviously,, but also bc this doubles as a comforting bedtime ritual. facemask, nourishing space spa-bath, tai-chi before bed, smooch each lion slipper on its little nose. just little bedtime things. he’s not great at going to sleep at first but every night he drops off a little faster. its getting easier.

hunk: sleeps like a log. takes 30 seconds for him to fall asleep and then he’s out like a light for 9 hours. even when he’s anxious. he’ll fall asleep like “oohhh man im so far from home what if we dont MAKE IT BACK what’s zarkon gonna do oh ma - [snoring, 10 hour version]. oh ya he snores. i think this is canon probably?? if it’s not it should be. the depth of his sleep is too profound to be contained within his body. also, hunk is at the nucleus of every communal sleep pile. this works because 6 people can pile onto his huge soft belly and he doesn’t feel a thing. first sleep pile happens because hunk falls asleep in the middle of the training deck; lance drapes himself over him in a show of theatrics and just forgets to get up, probably; shiro tries to extract them but is ambushed by hunk’s remarkable Sleep Hugging reflexes; keith meets a similar fate, not entirely unvoluntarily, and makes a very unconvincing show of protest; pidge pretends to use them all as a comfortable backrest while tapping away at a tablet and promptly falls into the deepest calmest sleep theyve had since they were 6. even when he is asleep hunk spreads wholesomeness and love. god bless my sweet son

coran and allura: i put them together because?? do alteans even need sleep??? have they evolved beyond simple biological constraints?? was 10 000 years of stasis enough and now they’ve stored up enough rest to stay awake for years?? somehow i cant imagine either of them sleeping regularly. HOWEVER coran enthusiastically jumps on the new paladin trend, which “reminds me of viskralian bio-stasis!!” (this he demonstrates by flopping into a gracile position with one eye squeezed shut, humming violently in the key of F). allura remains baffled and slightly disapproving of all the wasted time, despite the flood of positive reviews (HMMMMMMMMMMMMMM JOIN IN PRINCESS HMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM ITS VERY RELAXING) but one time she walks in on the paladins collapsed in a pile together and shes like… u know what. im gonna let this one slide. this is also the day she learns of the remarkable comfiness of hunks. 

[haeroniel-doliet]

dwhos here for another raaaaaant (vent)? topic is friendships but lets see where thisll go! waheyy let us insert the read more. 

kayokay okay welcome youre gonna regret this; if you havent read through my shitty vents before prepare for ilegibility and thought trains going all over the place and references to things and people youll never know okay great you got off this train? cool gives me more power to crash it see ya. 

okay where do we even begin, oh lets go wild and push out a couple topics first. one is; how shit has improved being uni and how everything seems awful brighter now; why it hasnt actually improved and im lonely as ever; how lonely have i always been; but am i really lonely or just think i should have more bc expectations; why im like this and cannot form relationships

lets start with a bit of a history dive eh eh this is what youre here for, me oversharing my life to nobody thatll read it but come on anyway bc one of the reasons i even fucking do these is because; ironically enough; i have no friends to vent this to!! nobody who actually gives a shit!! and even if they did i have a lot more words and confused thoughts to write out here that would just be really mean to inflict on someone else. 

ok so, classically as a kid ive almost grown as an only child, obviously have a big bro of 7 yrs older that i never formed more of a bond to than the one we share by sharing a family. aka we barely talk. but like i know he doesnt hate me i guess? ok im not gonna go there. its a weird mess. but. all childhood was mostly me playin by myself bc our family friends had kids his age not mine, and we moved around a bunch too and people came in and out, i guess i made ‘best friends’ pretty easily, but none stuck around longer than a year maybe 2-3. bc thats how life was and as a child i guess it wasnt a bother bc hey, let me be friends with everyone! oh but protective parents also mean mostly on my own. thats cool. im totally mature to be sitting at the adults table (there was no kids table) well early at 6-7. mhmmm 

lemme return to finland and start being an early awkward preteen! oh ill be friends with everyone! oh. everyone already has their best friend or best friend group? oh i get left on the playground alone ‘playing the dog at home while they go shopping okay playground games were lame but whaddyou do’ aight cool im okay with this theyre all my friends and im gona draw you all to make friends and nobody like actually bullies me or thinks im weird i guess, anyway school work. oh okay ill make best friends w my neighbour bc were only 7 days apart in age and thats crazy!! i guess we also make friends with lil girls next door bc were 10- 12 and thats what u do. sure. i feel rather criticised by my so called bff bc. we are not on the same wavelength, i feel dumb, im never as funny even if they are hilarious to me, i do gross things w out thinking (imagine having to be told by your friend that you need to buy deodorant when you never thought abt it) and like a bunch of other stuff like not picking up on social cues they dont wanna hang out with me or they dont think looking at funny pictures on the phone is fun... oh okay i mean i guess theyre way better than me but were still friends right? uh yeah. 

okay lets take a gap and go to uk, oh wow, SHIT people actually miss me at home?? im making friends with all these kids in my neighbourhood! oh i can be like the movies where they go down the street and hang out and have movienights awesome! who this is the best! fucking halloween w other 13 yr olds?? having hobbies w them? walking to the bus together and home together?? mad. wild. friends. lets ignore the school consisting of pricks and the only time in my school career ive gotten bullied. like classic bullying. pens thrown at me, butt touched, skirt lifted, name called, teasing my ‘naivety’ (do you work at the dildo factory? haahah. are you frigid? would you have sex with me if i bought you a burger?) oh 13-14 yr olds....  ok no its a wild really good and really shit year combined into an okay year. let me just return home and promise to keep in touch and really very barely keep in touch with any of them. thanks instagram for enabling minimal contact and keeping up w each other. 

(also back then made my first post cryin to tumblr oh why cant i have tumblr besties like everyone else seems to, please someone be my internet buddy! lucky enough actually talked to Amelia a lot, though...... 14 yr old and abt 20 smth. but we played minecraft together and made two shit youtube videos of our competition participation like. you were a good friend to me. never pushed it too far and i really liked having a mature friend. such a shame you seem to have disappeared off the internet (anywehre i know how to reach you) bc hell, i would not have been opposed to meeting you finally irl at fuckin mcm like i always kinda wanted to bc i saw ppl online do, anyway i hope ur life is good and thanks) 

kay so, finally back home weve all moved past the best friend cliques okay okay my class is actually fuckin rad like whaddu you know i dont have to aggressively swear and avoid hugs anymore (self defence from that shitty year) but actually have all these wholesome friends, ofc there were stronger relationships between some people but! i was included. i felt good. it was good. i figured out this being everyones friend thing. im a proper teen now eh. oh but i still had my best friend (briefly moirail) maxx! talking everyday at least for least half an hour if not more, skype calls... watching movies together... sending shit to canada and that one mail i got from you and planning so hard a visit there, even if it felt unrealistic. maybe even spending too much time on you and not making as many connections to my class friends as i could have, u know. stuck on my phone to always be available to you. making you more important. dunno how often id talk thru a crisis in class or however late at night bc, i wanted to be there for you! i loved being needed and being an important piece in moving thru tough times. sure detrimental maybe irl but i was being too much online anyway which i still do but were not there yet. besides, that relationship has had a bit of a roller coaster in the past nearly4 yrs (is it more?) shit that started from an rp and then slowly talking more to being moirails to being the tightest best friends “momma” and all, to your irl friends breaking it up slowly, then a boyfriend really took oyur time and we didnt talk daily lt alone ever get to call bc... shit. okay but i was friends with your boyfriend and though i saw it wouldnt last i was okay with it, like right cool thats teh boyfriend and im the bestfriend. im still involved. yeah man. oh you broke up and now talk more to me! fuck yeah. ill take your side in this regardless. lets get close again even if its not quite the same. i try join your cosplay groups though i cant help feeling me joining killed them, and i followed some you were passionate on! drew all those rad characters of you and your friends to feel adequate and appreciated. then you ad your drama, hated this kid and i wasnt even rly involved. all of a sudden, tight friends, oh i get to be in a chat w you both and a rad other person i had a mild crush on! rad. hell yeah. ive never been in a groupchat like this! this is great i love it. and the vikings came up. and your new friend left bc i was a cis girl and he has problems and could not deal with me not agreeing with his shit argument. (about my countrys history!!)  anyway. they make their groupchat, groupchats die. oh. great i ruined it. okay. i no longer know whats in your life.... oh youre best friends now? i kind of have to bug you to even get added to your ‘friends page’ as dumb as it is. i get knocked right aside as hes the bff and the greatest sweetest person ever even though he still seems like a major dick and even your cool older friend agrees with me..... a load of bullshit and weve drawn apart to barely talking once a week and ive still sent you many gifts bc i think its great! until.  yeah i wasnt gonna send anymore till you promised to set me up with cosplay pieces for christmas and i freak out to send you smth in return (never got more than measurements from me, and due to shit timing i didnt even get to be there for you opening the presents which fuckin ruined it) but whats this? a year on im fucking coming to america and conviced my parents to also go to canada???? fucking insane. still we dont talk much, the plans werent like i expected but i met you and the cool older friend! amazing! it happened! youre real! i brought you more gifts and i got pictures with you and its, it doesnt feel real still. i keep the fucking bus ticket i took from toronto to guelph to remind me. sure i didnt like get much from you back and thats kay different monetary situations and all and yeah. wild. oh but we still barely talk after? no its ok i get it youre not that good with texting people anymore (even if you kept texting you bff while i was there.... like. maybe he was having a crisis i can understand but... please you barely talk to me anymore and now amazingly im there and. you still talk to him a lot. okay...)  ‘ew were not dating were just best friends!” a month later becomes ‘this is my boyfriend and bff i love him more than anything else in the world” ‘oh but hes absolutely a huge mean prick who is super self centered and manipulative,’ and i guess you needed to feel needed like i did and dedicated everything to this shitstorm of a human but. okay... weve drifted apart further, till i demanded thru to your discord (not even active anywhere else) and try damn hard to still talk to you. but its just not genuine. i wanna talk abt important shit to me and worries about myself, but life is difficult on you and i dont feel like you do the same to me so i cant. is it no longer part of our relationship? i guess) 

anyway chapter; who the fuck cares; why i feel i can open up to internet friends more than irl ones;;coming up, the other irl exploits after 9th grade. 

internet friends are based on talking over text and emotions that come up in the moment and contacting them whenever. with irl people, ive always set a sort of boundary that like. our quota of talking is irl. i might message you online but its strictly related to irl things or smth we discussed irl, u feel? even then i mostly never message anyone (thank the two friends in uni ive talked to more than anyone else) but still. theyre people i will unload burdens to IRL when im sitting with them for hours talking about our fucked up relationships with things and life and thats beautiful. but its not consistent through life? like rn all this shit. i cant just go and vent tto you (i guess i could but who knows if youre mad busy and needa be up early tomorrow or are already sleeping or have other shit on your mind, let alone would be offednede by me being so explicit abt me feelings w friendship u being my friend.) anyway, internet friends have broken that and sometimes i talk abt dumb shit ive seen that remind me of them or i wanna get a reaction from someone about and sometimes this bullshit. but more recently, (my discord has fuckin 3 ppl) i cant. i mean. idk if ever could and now theyre just being better w themselves but i cant? Ana tries being a friend and a good online friend but. i cant take it any deeper than like, look how cool this is! yeah that is cool bc theyre exhausted and dont wanna deal w others bullshit and dont want me to deal with theirs bc theyre online to avoid it. all of which i understand but. its kind of hard to deal with. like. youre currently only passionate about your gays in southpark. two things i dont care bout jack shit (actually hate south park idec) and then your response to me just like contemplating quizzes or the way i felt in the mirror at ballet or like smth that comes up to me when im talking abt normal shit, i get an ok, i dk how to respond or, i dont really care. and wildly i love the honesty, and glad to have lines drawn for me when i dont see them, but it always feels like a smack in the face regardless. having stepped out of line and not having realised and stopped before they had to tell me to stop. like it was w that old neighbour bff. i could never tell when she wanted me to leave her alone or smth bc i was having fun! but shed be tired of it and it just. always hurt realising i was too wrapped up in emotion and myself to realise i was annoying or overstepping boundaries and im still terribly self concious about it bc i feel terrible being a bad person like that! i wanna be the perfect friend.ugh. 

the other people on my discord are maxx and the cool older canadian dan, who still is rly cool and admirable. and i feel bad. bc when i first got the dumb thing i talked to him like adults! yea! talked abt maxx and a bit of college and a bit of life and like. it was good! he said good night friend <3 which is like!!! the most wild and exciting thing it fuckin exhilirates me to be called friend in converstion like please fuck validate me being your friend!!!! (god isnt that sad and basically gonna sum up this whole thing) anyway recently im sure things have been sad or busy or hes just that kinda person but my last 4? attempts for convo have gotten no response, even when hes online (supposedly when its ok to message him) and i no longer want to say anything unless its smth im sure id get a response to. bc then im just buggering and annoying the poor guy and become annoying. (even if hes said he doesnt mind and thinks im a great person. i hope) and maxx u know. i can message, and i do, and now more than in a rly long time i- oh my god i get responses!! still they cut short. theres no, hey sorry i dont care or, hey i gotta go, or hey i dont wanna talk abt this, just. no more responses. and i guess my conversational skills are rusty and i havent written anything thatd get an easy response from them! (but stilll, should talking to friends rly require you to formulate conversation starters and talk in a way that doesnt provoke too much but is just easy enough for them to respond briefly and with no investment to make talking to me easy as possible? idk even iguess? maybe im shit at having friends and thats why i have none. shush.)

okay lets head back to irl. high school was shitty weird thing, around 10 ppl in class and i only made friends w 3? got bullied for a good couple days on a trip by 1 and another class person. terrible trying to make friends and keep friendly with everyone in a tiny school but i managed and alls good, and even still, just made friends with the most compatible people, not sure if id have been friends with otherwise. one a nervous wreck of a boy that the teacher tried to like ‘ship us together with’ but while he had a girlfriend and we managed to keep conversation joking and chill (as it should be and i made good sure of it) it was fine, he still like i a very girlfriend oriented person and i guess doesnt chat much online w other girls? im cool with it, a couple snap updates on life here an there its whatever. youre an anxious person anyway and we dont always like. work as friends. another was from japan, who id decieded to make a friend if only to have a friend in japan to visit and to teach me a bit (and teach us to make food! okay im so glad we were friends) and at school it was great enough. helped her get confident in speaking english and correcting work and sitting together at lunch and hanging out outside of school on the rare occasion schedules lined up was fab! i actually am gonna miss her. even if we werent close. and i feel bad bc idk if she wants to keep in contact, and i really suppose i should just aim to write her like a text once a month or so to keep in touch thatd be good, cover that. keep up english and so on. maybe (ps old friends from childhood pop up every now and then on social media and have the rare chat which is quite nice actually! even if im not active or keep them updated, some realtionships i like to leave lukewarm and not hateful but smth thats easy to catch up with if opportunity comes up. i actually can do that quite a lot, make good conversation and feel friendly and make acquaintances. i just. have no idea how to push them to proper active friendships (it just happens sometimes by accident) and no absolute clue how to make htat into a very close “bff we share everything i can message you whenever” kinda relationship classic media like facebook portrays idk. do i need it? i guess not but i kinda wanna know what thats like bc relationships are not a thing for me. lets make that its own paragraph) oh but also on old school friends my frustration of a few days, just. a friend that is the easiest to keep in touch with bc they intitiate and have time and want to do things, but god its annoying and i dont like them. our humours dont align and i feel judged and criticised and like. idk. dont feel great w them. theres moments of like genuine “im glad i met you bc i would have switched schools otherwise” from her and a jar of reminders why were friends and some good memories, but its just. she drains me. and i dont wanna talk deep w her. and though to some other friend it seems like we are heckin dating in secret bc of how comfortable we are and how much we end up communicating to organise things, uhm were not. i wouldnt date her ever im sorry. struggling to stay friends and have it fade to the background amicably before i do or say smth wrong and fuck it up. anyway its just bugging me and i hate it bc i feel bad for her and bad for myself and its just a mess that i dont wanna deal with that mucheven if i talked my parents ear off about it.

ok intermission to parents. in a way no. no fuck they are not my friends. my mom will never be my best friend and i dont think they want that either,being classic parents and allbut i guess, sometimes when i get past the ugh youll never understand youre so god damn annoying!! teenage phase my brain still has, i do talk to them about a lot of things that upset me, bc unlike friends, they cant decide not to care about me or stop talking to me u know. i have vented about shit practices that have really tested my self worth and lack of emotions (remind sobbing like a bitch with a mud covered ass walking home from a terrible skating practice and falling in the rain) and mom comforting thru it. mind telling them all the pent up feelings abt flatmates and analysing them to her like”well shes rly nice and we talk abt this and this but i cant help but feel she doesnt really wanna talk to me and also they didnt wanna hang out and they keep leaving their dishes and told me to clean mine but they did this and that and....” i never talk about internet friends or a lot abt other things bc. not relevant and i dont think id hear what i wanna hear. but im kinda glad i still can do that and vent to them abt like real life things and things that upset me even if its not exhaustive and i cant do everything and they dont fill the gap of this “true best friend” i have emulated. but thats a point of why im not rly lonely. bc i have outlets to a lot of these needs that im not missing it all . just dont have it all in one person or even a small group of ppl.

wht next. oh remind me to come back to group things online. anyway lets give uni a try. so weve talked abt my two impressive friends irl who take the same course as me and kind of have dragged me thru and have gone to hobbies w me and hung out w me for hours and actually come to visist me in london an been cool? yeah theyre pretty rad people and very smart and im glad theyre in my life. even if w al the ranting im not comfortable messaging them all hours of the night to talk abt all my insecuritites and thoughts and problems u know. and one is dating and both have flatmate drama and other groups of friends and tho theyre friends between each other we dont like. make the ultimate trio which is why were not moving in together ( also reminder to being called the 3 musketeers w my high school two gals bc we were seein kinda doing everything together (in school) by me sticking us all together with my “i need to feel validated with friends” glue. that was quite nice.) 

but like in uni, ive said it to a lot of people. its amazing. ive never been happier knowing this many people. i dont make drama, i almost never get included in any drama so all i get are friends!!! and having flatmates, and flatmates friends, and class mates, and people ive just met , and hobby friends i just knew so many people thatd be friendly to me and even smile at me in passing it feels great man. having multiple group hobbies and socials to go to (even if i dont drink much and its not like were partying) it feels good man. i want more of this next term now that i have no”i dont know anyone there” excuses. god i love it. i love waving to people i know, i love getting a ride from someone to go hang out t another friends place and people knowing me by name and caring about my presence! (though not too much, like nobody would miss me i guess, but i still have more of a place to carve and i cant say for sure that they did not notice me missing) anyway archery has been terrbily wholesome and one of the best things ive invested time into and im sad some of the happy faces there are leaving this summer....... and sure none of these friends have gone even to proper hugging levels, let alone talking together without a group of people or god, messaging privately if not strictly club stuff (ok theres like, a couple, one that im delighted about and cant wait to hang w in finland even tho theyre cooler than me)  but u know, same problem w. hm were friends within this hobby group. were not like. actually friends outside of this and wouldnt hang outside of it. uh. yeah. dont rly have that many that kinda friends..... just 2 in fact. ill work on that.... 

side note, i try joining in online groups like mxrp discords, and an odd skype chat for homestuck cosplayers. but its kinda the worst. i dont mind observing and reading in and commenting in my head and rarely actually participating tho nobody knows who i am, but like. nobody knows who i am or cares if im there at all. and its kind of a not great feeling. im not needed or wanted here. they just dont mind me being there u know. idk wht to do with those feelings. i dont really wanna make myself obnoxiously present and make people remember and want to talk to me and actually become immersed in it, bc these dont seem like that great people idk. i guess im too  ‘mature’ to just go omg i love you an all that. 

anyway lets dive into hmmmmmm  why am i still lonely? funny question eh. its because i have no consistent close relationships with anyone. have i ever? maxx was closest but i guess nawh here we are. i can get close to u in a night of just talking for hours but. if it doesnt carry through consistently does it count? i have a couple people to message when im delighted abt smth (heck even post to snapchat to get those lukewarm friendships to be reminded of me) and i have my parents to be sad to about a certain category of things that i share w them (like hobby frustrations and friends theyve met frustrations, and some body upset) i have this hunk of friends in uni i can hang out and chill with and will continue making better friends with gladly. im not an isolated herrmit (all the time) nor do i think im socially despicable. im just. normal. online ive felt more and more as much as i spend my entire day online w all these things im not an internet person??im not always posting on social media, im not always talking to 10 ppl at once, im not writing or creating media, im not consuming other than youtube actually, (like i dont watch shows u knw) , all i do is rp when i muster the strength and hang out lukewarm on tumblr posting rants and reblogging pretty and fun things, not getting involved much. not a fan of anything, not obsessed w anything, not overtly gay ( i dont even know what i am but girls are pretty and sex and relationships get gross as soon as you add me into the picture) and not an exciting personality. hell. i currently fuckin like ballet and archery and like. thats about it. (also hahahhahh catch me going down the abc list of hobbies, aikido, archery, badminton (w archery ppl) ballet. what next. cricket? crochet... cooking? dance (ballet) fencing gaming (hah no), hockey? ice skating ( im already doing it) like look at me anyway shh) im not trans and i dont feel gay enough to fit in (what a rant that is, but im just ignoring it for now) im so boring. too reational, too uninvolved, too unopinionated/have an opinion but prefer to keep quiet and at peace. i guess this is what normal people are like off the internet. and ill just deal with it. but how normal people fill the gap are these ridiculously idealistic bff groups that i clearly dunno how to achieve, and uh. relationships.

so i can foresee a future where an imaginative foggy figure will care about me so much and want to hear all these rants and talk about all my wild thoughts with me and love me and remind me of it and be happy around me and think im funny and make me feel good and loved and better than i am and be someone i love being aorund constantly and wont have to feel self concious with or like i need to be putting on the front that is not gross and is a lovely sociable person. like i doubt they even exist. the kind im specifically thinking off thatll make life a sunset gold and unbelievably happy and good. ill save that sunset gold feeling to my dream future, one in which im happy with my body and personality and have that shadowy figure that makes me all whole and better than im alone and all these pets and animals that i love and love me and plants and color and art and whimsical decorations and yknow. i see it in my head. it feels real good. i kinda wanna see if itll actually happen. it just. it feels so fuzzy and warm and i would love for that actually be real and look back on this and be like. i have it. everythings complete. we can dream. i might get it when im grey and old and all alone but found smth that makes it that good. anyway im not discounting that there might be ‘the one’ in that future, the perfect one. but. i still doubt in the present when or if ill ever meet them let alone if i do htat anything would happen. ive never ever dated anyone or even come close to it. i dont understand how people just, end up in relationships or almost always have one, and i guess im not trying to bc idk if i want it-  idk if im ready for it, but its a weird one ill tell u. i feel with this perfect imaginary figures all these bad feelings would go away and i could talk about them and someone help me fix them and become more and better than my thoughts. but i dont wanna look for one. i dont wanna experiment in relationships so that im ready and wont fuck it up when the one comes bc, its horrendous and stressful and im gross! im not dating material. nah. and obviously nobodys tried to date me so were all on the same page. honestly once i sort out the other things wrong w me, i might just get to therapy for this shit. like. why are relationships such a shit concept to me and like why and how do i deal with it without just saying fuck it relationshipss are not for me. i have no doubt ill keep making connections and friends throughout my life in all different random places, but im actually... kinda afraid none will stick around. if i cant form consistent strong friendships theyre al gonna fade away and ill have nobody when i need someone. having that one solid person would really help bc theyre there thick and thin i guess aparently. i have myself, but considering what a mess i am idk if thats enough at all. i think i should change myself an awful lot though before a relationship could happen. like. nobody wants a barely showering fat chubby in an awkwardway terrible skinned messy sad blabbery person. like. just a gross one. i gotta become so much better before i can even consider letting someone past to get this close i guess. i guess. these feelings are really not settling here and i feel off the rocker. like unsettled and uneasy. also i need to pee which is rly not helping feel less gross. that and my hair is nasty greasy bc rather than take a shower at a reasonable time i did.... nothing. and then i started writing this an hour, two hours ago? more? idk. 

kay then, we have reflected briefly while i was away on how fat and ugly i am and how hopeless considering ive been trying to finish a knitting project for my baby cousin and start drawing again or even just playing my old pokemon game (yknow summer vacay) things in the past few days. nawh. havent. even more productively i should have done actual exercise to build my stamina and make faster improvements in ballet and actually try and tackle the fat and ugly feeling in 8 weeks (but that like... requires diet control... which is hard?) and like o u know. finishing my fucking university course ive lied to everyone abt? ok lets be real i have passed the year and can move into the next w the credits i have and passed all the mandatory classes. but. i want/ need to pass this class. and i already forked out 30 pounds hopefully correctly to apply for a resubmission (more like first submission) of all these projects and its hard. considering in my hirearchy of shit that needs to be done (easiest most necessary first)  i havent even reached the first ladder of like washing my nasty hair. the ladder includes all the above projects and at the end of it is like completing that course (needs to be done by the end of the month u kno bitchh. u dont know how long its gonna take you cannot leave it to the last few days. and this other bulshit course idk if ill even get credit for completing late and dont know if i care but i guess i gotta do it anyway 

basically i just wanna d ie. thatd be nice. id not have to feel fat and stupid and worthless and discomfrot in my own skin and just. nasty and numb but bad all over. okay im really not feeling great bout now. but thanks to all the above weve realised i have nobody to talk to whod talk me out of these feelings and comfort me (let alone if im capable as a person to accept that considering theyd have to be very convicing to get past me going “mhmmm but youre wrong” ) 

anyway this has been terribland i havent achieved anything but feelin kinda bad. we have covered that ive never had proper friendships and that might be detrimental to me ever forming the kind of close companionship i seem to be missing, however at least i can make easy friends briefly and as such know im not a terrible person thru and thru that people hate. i just dont know how to cross that nd not be horribly annoying or how to find those kind of people bc shit and bullshit. do i need it? no i guess ill be fine. would it make my life better and more worth it? probably. id hope so. i mean it seems pretty important in human existence for there to be so damn many songs and movies and aboslutely everything focused around it. 

anyway. i know nobodys gonna finish reading this and i kinda hope i dont read back on this either. my cringey diary moments hidden under a readmore on tumblr. whats sadder.... tsk who wants to figure out how many words this all is? 

mhmmmm mmm 7 pages on word and 6059 words. damn gurl. no FUCKIN WONDer nobody wants to talk to me about my thoughts and feelings when they just erupt. bc even by erupt i mean a mild discomfort that im trying to pin down to a cause and an actual feeling so and so unsuccessfully.