#its leading to something but im taking my time on it
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sun and moon ☽｡⋆
𝗜𝗡 𝗪𝗛𝗜𝗖𝗛 a waltz takes place beneath the sun and moon.
feat. kamisato ayato (f!reader)
cw. none :)) js enjoy some tooth-rotting fluff (HELP I HOPE I DIDNT FLOP ERMMMM IM SO BAD AT WRITING ITS NOT EVFEN FUNNY ANYMORE 😓😓) (omg does 'kinda proofread' count as a cw ERMMM HASUDHUSADHA)
note. GRAHHHHHH MS SAIGON RELAPSE (i wasnt able to watch it live when they did the ph leg D: but my cousin sent the clips he took and now i cant stop watching them (especially sun and moon and the last night of the world [and the finale 😈😈😈] so you can expect [kinda] ms saigon related works HUAHDUASHDUH (gang im still tryna expand my vocab when it comes to very flowery words so HAUDHAUDH my works will [probably] get better from here trust) + this was written with miss saigon's sun and moon (specifically lea salonga and simon bowman's version) playing in the bg on repeat so yeah HWHAHAHA
wc. 504
“may i have this dance with you?”
the moon casts its gentle gaze upon the beings of chinju forest — a symphony of frogs sing with the breeze as a troupe of bake-danuki accompany the piece with their dance.
in the midst of all these, a hand is offered.
"quite the romantic you are, mr. commissioner,” you show him a grin as you take his hand, slotting your bodies to form a cocoon of melody and warmth.
“only for you, milady,” the commissioner, kamisato ayato, returns your grin — his warmth radiating off your body as you fall into a steady waltz under the bed of stars.
the pair dance under the moon’s watchful gaze; the string of harmony and rhythm from the beings reduce to a gentle diminuendo as the pair lock eyes with each other.
“careful now, ayato. wouldn’t want the shuumatsuban catching their lord tripping and stepping on his lady’s feet now, do we?” a chuckle escapes from your lips as you sway to the tempo of your hearts.
ayato brings his forehead to yours as he pulls you closer, “hm? is that so? well, lucky for me”, he abruptly turns you to face the scenery of chinju forest — his hands lay on your hips as the ghost of his breath cascades down the shell of your ear, sending chills upon its caress — your gentle waltz coming to a momentary halt. “i have a great dance teacher who coincidentally has the same name of my lady. and for all i care, those ninjas shouldn’t be intruding on their masters’ alone time. hmph.”
laughter bubbles up in your throat as you hear the rustles of nearby bushes around you. “oh? is that right? well, care to tell me about the oh so wonderful dance teacher you have?” turning to your lover once more, you catch him in an embrace as you resume the gentle sway of your bodies.
“we’ll be here until dawn then, my dear.” ayato sends you a gentle smile; his hand leads your head to his beating heart, gentle pats landing on it as he does the same to your shoulder.
“if that’s the case, then i am most honoured to share this night with you.” you feel the rumble of his chest as he entertains your idea.
“well then. should we start with the part when said teacher confessed her undying love for me, her student?” a playful lilt touches upon his words as he spins you around.
"hey now. that sounds like i did something... nefarious." a small pout forms on your lips as your husband chortles at you.
as the night joins with day, their waltz continued without a misstep — the string of harmony and rhythm continue to accompany the lovers as they get lost in their own world of tell and tale.
and with the gazes of both sun and moon, they continue to sway to their own beat — holding each other tight as if it was the last night of the world.
tagging: @ayrastv
🐈⬛️: genshin has been added to the list of options for my taglist! please access the gform below if you'd like to be added to my taglist <3
© sheyfu on tumblr
#🐈⬛️.scorebook#💠.genshin impact#🌺.kamisato ayato#genshin impact#genshin#genshin impact x reader#genshin x reader#kamisato ayato#ayato#genshin ayato#kamisato ayato x reader#ayato x reader
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IM FREE I FINSIHED MY LORE VIDEO
#Ill post it tomorrow its small kine late#but its on my YT if ya wanna watch @Grailknightmonty :D#BACK TO THE BRAINROT HOURS BABYYYY#a weeks worth of background paintings and writing over 2 months#its leading to something but im taking my time on it#in terms of bringing it all to fruition#in minecraft form#but its been something ive been putting together for a while now#finally getting onto smps has given me a chance to work on it a little more#im obsessed with this image of dianite btw i cant stop using it#its just. such a mood
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MORE HAPRER PLEATHE HES SO FINE
youve asked this at such a good time because i had just had a harper design explanation idea and i wasnt sure if i should make it or not:
#im sorry i didnt do something more serious i tried to thats what ive been doing for the past since you sent this ask but. i couldnt#im sorry but feel free to send another ask and itll take me longer to get to it but ill draw something serious next time promise#my art#asks#harper the doctor#dol#anonymouse#sorry its not my usual style for this blog#just couldnt get it right with the other things#i also had to make like 4 new brushes because my old ones didnt feel right anymore#sigh. such is the life i lead#because i do think the side bun is cute but i do Not think harper would settle for that if there wasnt a good reason#my reasoning is that. harper cant tie their hair#please clap#im trying to find what this looks like though but i cant#but i swear one of these panels looks exactly like something ive drawn before#i just cant put my finger on it#maybe it was a sketch i deleted or something i have no idea#EDIT: found it it was a sketch on whiteboard my friend took a screenshot of#i dont feel right putting this in the dol tags because this is literally nothing. something that only applies to my design of harper#but i do want to keep my blog sorted :(
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cool dogs
#its so crazy how 2 of my current favorite things have dogs in them#heehaheha#im so nromal#ANWYAYS this is my first time drawing oatchi and i think i did a real good job#this isnt my first time drawing oddsock but i managed to actually make him look good this time so that counts for something i think#pikmin and lbp have had similar gaps between games which is funny i think#saba does not count#pikmin was winning by a singular year#pikmin 3 came out in 2013 and lbp3 came out in 2014#maybe lbp will take the lead if we dont get anything in the next year or so lol#anwyasy im talking too much. tag time#littlebigplanet#little big planet#oddsock#oddsock lbp#pikmin#pikmin fanart#pikmin 4#oatchi#oatchi pikmin#my art#i cant believe i forgot my fuckimg art tag
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i saw a post saying boom was good bc it feels like it could be done with any doctor/companion duo and honestly that was one of the things i felt was wrong with it
#in a show with a title character that could be Literally Anyone and a companion sharing the lead that could be Literally Anyone#i value the little moments that set this duo apart from the rest. ESPECIALLY when it comes to returning writers like rtd/moff#fifteen and ruby felt a little too eleven/twelve and clara adjacent in boom. in both their dialogue and characterization#space babies also landed a little weird at first bc it lifted a bit from end of the world BUT the scenes that fifteen and ruby#had to themselves. like ruby getting covered in snot and fifteen laughing. or fifteen and ruby looking after the Space Babies#or fifteen going out of his way to save the monster bc that monster is the only one of its kind Just Like Him Fr#that stuff is so good and its also something we haven't seen from another nuwho doctor. the vulnerable bleeding-heart empathy#and a dynamic w a companion that is basically 'two troublemakers that just deeply love fun and adventure and getting into trouble together'#oh yeah and also the devil's chord was peak fiction because it touches on fifteen's renewed connection and love for humanity#and marries it to ruby being a musician and how music like any art is the expression of the human soul etc etc#WHAT MAKES A DOCTOR WHO STORY GOOD TO ME IS PARTLY HOW THE PREMISE TIES INTO THE DOCTOR AND COMPANION'S CHARACTERS#IT HAS TO FEEL LIKE IT WAS TAILOR MADE TO THEM. ELSE IT WONT LAND RIGHT TO ME#i hate the take that they should've saved wild blue yonder for a fifteen episode bc#the tension is hinged on how well the doctor/companion know each other. u have a level of it that u can ONLY get#with fourteen and donna who are two halves of a whole soul but have also spent much more time missing the other than knowing them#im not rewatching fifteen's eps rn until a week later when i can watch it w my qpp but#rn i still feel a stronger sense of fifteen and ruby's characters from all the rtd-written eps rather moffat#which like. i get that a lot of that is my personal dislike of moffat's writing style but still#dr who#15 era#dw spoilers
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on one hand. it's deeply funny how whenever I'm in a new situation/I'm busy my bodies just like yeah we don't need food right it's fineee and then I barely eat because I forget to/don't feel like it. on the other hand I would really like to. yk. try more Japanese food while I'm here? like cmon man work with me here
#its like#im not not eating yk#ive been living off seven eleven sandwiches and onigiri#and a shit ton of drinks while I'm out#i think its a combo of like#a. me kinda shifting into the same mindset i get at cons where its just go go go make the most of it do everything you can eat and feel like#shit when you get home#b. food expensive. not that expensive but it feels like a cost yk#c. shit ton of unfamiliar food and again. dont want to waste money on something i wont like. my ass is bad with certain textures and tastes#i feel bad getting boring western food bc migjt as well try something new while im here right but also all the new stuff scares me#d. going anywhere that isnt a self serve conbini/fast food place is uh. terrifying? idk.how to do that#e. i just forget food is a thing i need#idk im bad with food in general#hashtag autism thingss#but i think theres just a lot of compounding factors that lead to more stress around this#(new country so new things so i dont know if ill like them but i need to try them while im here bc i migjt never get to again and then ill#regret it forever but idk how but i cant just keep going to the same two or three places but going anywhere else takes forever ajd feels#like a waste of time but-)#so my brain just kinda goes. lmaao yeah no and then avoids thinking abt it?#or maybe im just overthinking it who fuckin knows#probably overthinking. and oversharing#lol. lmao even#idk im not really a huge food person anyway? still seems like a waste ig#drinks are fucking incredible tho#and hey im getting hydrated while im walkong aroind thats more than i usually get#imngonna. shut up jow#me.txt
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...
#sorry i cant shut the fuck up today. i think i just feel worse on the weekends bc i kno i shoulf b relaxing#ppl r telling me to relax. take a break. let me kno how i can help. let me kno if theres a problem. bc my behavior is apparently ya kno like#visibly somethings not right. but how tf am i supposed to relax when i have so much to do#so im stuck spiraling like dont work but also think insistently abt working. but get nothing done. its horrible#mostly rn im stressed abt all the grading i havent done and the work on my masters data i havent done#but its like. something in my head is on fire and it's burning thru all my cognitive energy. i am just trying to keep existing#how tf am i supposed to find the energy to read 45 lab reports? im like illiterate#and idk i just feel bad about coming into a new lab being so sick. i just dont like being a problem#it also does not reflect well on my future career that im being such a flake on things. like sorry if i have to work on my research#assistant data rn i might die ✌️ ugh. itll b fine. i just need to find a way to effectively manage my head#and i keep hearing my dads voice in my head talking abt personal responsibility but like i dont even kno how to employ that. i could suck#it up and double down on productivity but that way leads to burnout and self destruction. do i doubke down on relaxing?#i dont kno how to do that. like u would probably just have to drug me. which is y i do not partake in substances. that way also leads#to self destruction. so what am i do to? cross my fingers and pray for a fluctuation in my general mood?#hope that aliens invade and that an incoming invasion sharpens my focus onto only one single thing?#idk. but my sister is finally working on the fish i askrd her yo draw me. so i gotta think of how i wanna get it tattooed#bc shes not an art person and its an act of indulging chaos to get an imperfect image tattooed onto me#so i might have to do some things to make it make me not insane. i asked for this bc i like causing myself problems. also i was in a#slightly altered state of mind when i asked lol but i stand by it haha. anyway. idk things r just annoying and hard rn as i knew they would#b. and im good at catching myself before things get dangerous but it sucks that i feel like a ticking time bomb of destruction. ugh.#unrelated
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I didnt know the tags woulr be so much i shouldve just wrote a long vent 😭😭😭 rip
#lol. there are still times where my brain goes omg what if you’re really a narc#and then i go out of my way to make sure my friends are as comfortable as possible and thati meet all their needs and i apologize every few#minutes for something silly or for maybe hurting them unintentionally and then i remember of#every fallout w people in my life where i was always taking responsibility for my actions n for my role to what led to the fallouts no#matter how toxic the person was and i remember all the times i geniunely apologized to my siblings for my mistakes (without them pointing#out i did smth wrong) and i remember all the tomes someone told me i hurt them and i owned up to it and apologized and then i go#oh ywa. maybe not ?#bonus: all the times i helped someone out in secret to bring some ease in their life without ever telling them or bragging eith it or#using it against them or reminding them that i did x y z for them#and then all the times where my guilt ate me up at nights and i cried and the times where i brought out the best of people because my love#is Nuturing. yea#AND I GUESS THE FACT THAT MY EX BEST FRIEND TOLD ME IM A NARC AND I STRAIGHT UP WENT OMG YEA! PROBABLY! BECAUSE I WOULDVE BELIEVED HER#ANYTHING 😭😭😭😭 BECAUSE INWAS SO SURE SHE KNEW ME BETTER THAN I KNEW MYSELF! 😭😭😭#BECAUSE I HAD LOST MYSELF COMPLETELY IN THE FRIENDSHIP 😭😭😭😭 NOT VERY NARC OF ME 😭😭😭😭😭😭#but yea. i guess abandonment issues apathy and lack of communication skills (which leads to passive aggressivness) will make you look like a#narc i get where she came from! but still. if i ever see someone diagnose other people i will simply tell them to shut up#especially based on sentences taken out of context. not very sexy#and also very stupid.#rationally seen i shouldve kicked out the thought that im probably not one when my therapist told me theres no chance i am but. when you get#treated like a freaking mondter from the people you’ve trusted deeply. it does something to you >.>#also when my therapist said that she has No rights to make Any diagnosis or statements about other people because whatever i tell her its#going to tell her more about me than them. i shouldve just dtopped believing it honestly. like freaking sideeye to those therapists thst#told my ex friends im a narc. and a big fat kiss to my therapist for being such a beautiful empathstic underztanding patient beautiful and#kind person#alhamdulillah ^-^#kicked out the thought thst i am one *#and also a big fat sorry for being hsving no empathy. my communication skills are getting brtter and im working on my abandonment issues#(sfter being abandoned by my closest friends and family hello this is so sexy of me) and im soooo much more st peace w myself n i like and#care aboyt myself ^-^ even just writing a list of positive things ahout me is smth i wouldve never done two years ago#(also my family took me back alhamdulillah eheh)
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ok. sometimes I just want to listen to people talk abt star wars but the youtube results are all men and I refuse to do that to myself. found myself on a reddit thread of good sw youtube accounts/podcasts and it's like....for one dollar name a woman:/
#CRINGE or whatever#but like i am thinking abt themes of fate and agency and the way they change across series and how certacertain characters exist outside#the narrative etc and i just wanna talk abt rebels and how its such a fantastic follow up to tcw/the prequels in terms of its core cast and#the fact that their only commonality is that they chose to be a part of the rebellion as opposed to the characters of tcw that are stuck in#this perpetual loop of following orders and uplifting those in power & feeling as though everything in their lives are destined meanwhile#there were so many opportunities to stop the end destiny (if u will) of the prequels if only they werent so blind etc but at the same time#you have characters like maul and ahsoka who exist outside of these power structures (one by choice and the other not) and when it comes#time to change anakins fate together ahsoka cant do it bc shes refuses to see the truth#and then this is directly paralleled at the end of rebels s2 where it takes kanan being literally blinded for him to see ezras pull to the#dark side bc until then kanan (the last remaining jedi) still clings to the beliefs and structures that raised him. he cant see/understand#ezra bc he refuses to view the world outside of the lens of his jedi training he has to be blinded to see the world around him in a new way#ofc this is all happening while ahsoka and anakin meet again and we see what could have happened had kanan failed to change#idk something something the illusion of choice under capatalism & 2 party systems leading to facism#something something rebellion/change comes from the ability to question authority and find individual purpose#noooo idea where im going with this shit at the end i promise i understand facism#see this is why i need to listen to other people talk abt it i am just spewing nonsense in my tumblr tags!!!!
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🦋
#so i got a message from my sister telling me something rather tragic had happened in our family#on my mom's side. one of my aunties passed away&my little sister let me know.#she also let me know that my mother is taking it really hard&shed probably really like to hear from me.#&its weird bc any sadness i felt about my aunty dying almost completely evaporated upon it becoming a way to guilt me#into talking to my mother-- like i was not almost dead for a long LONG time&she was actively disowning me bc i wasnt sick the right way#after a lifetime of refusing to believe i was sick AT ALL which directly lead to developing cancer she screamed at me in public#that i was lying about before pretending to drive off a cliff&then refusing to pick up her phone until she called me an hour later#after i had been calling not just her but anyone in our family who could possibly check on her to tell me that i never loved her#&i wouldnt have cared if she died&it would have been my fault.#so like. i dont really give a fuck if shes taking a death in the family poorly? like i dont actually fucking care that this-- like literally#everything else-- needs to center my mother's bad feelings. i just fucking dont lmao.#&im really fucking pissed off that i now have to feel like shit bc i dont feel like i properly feel bad#about my family member dying bc IT BECAME ALL ABOUT MY MOTHER IMMEDIATELY.#i do not fucking UNDERSTAND.#i cannot even put into words how this all makes me feel lmao. why. literally fucking why.#the cherry on top? my aunty died of gastric issues. you know. the family curse that i def didnt get so i got to work thru it all#while being called a liar. you know the type of illness that almost killed ME. that might STILL kill me.#but yeah my mom is sad so i should call&make sure to hold her hand like i always fucking did lets just forget an entire lifetime#&esp the last five years thatll be totally cool.#a tragedy happened in the family so fuck all MY tragedies actually i guess.
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the thing with autism right. is i know if i was having a full mental health crisis what i would end up doing is going to the emergency room and being like "hello, my name is (x) birthday (y), um i was hoping to talk to you about potential mental health inpatient care? i'm currently having a mental health crisis and don't think i can be trusted on my own" like if there's one thing i can be sure will live on in me no matter how hard the brainworms try. is my fucking customer service voice
#like itll be busted as fuck because ill be freaking out but you bet ill be sobbing my way through verbally drafting an email#ive done it before‚ like im a frustrated crier and once i start crying i cant turn it off so ive had a couple times where i had a breakdown#at work‚ cried about it a lot‚ and my lead pulled me into a meeting room after i calmed down to check in#and as soon as i started talking it just started again so i had to be like 'sorry th-this is just something m-m-my bod-dy does‚ i-i'm calm#m-mentally but i just c-cant turn this-is off‚ just try to i-ignore HIC it and f-f-focus-s on the w-wwwords‚#(tired of crytyping so just mentally fill it in yourself in everything else i say)#n they offered me more time to chill but im like no really i genuinely am calm‚ i calm down wayyy before my body does its gonna#keep doing this on and off all day‚ it takes hours for it to fully calm down and is on a hair trigger the entire time#so thinking about this will make it kick back up again no matter what unless we talk tomorrow‚ so if youre ok with bearing with me then cool#and theyre like. dang ok and just focused on what i said#or much more recently i was talking to my roommate‚ stopped‚ held up a finger + stood there silently for ten seconds‚#then was like 'sorry about that‚ i think i have to throw up. excuse me for a moment. what was that? oh gotcha yeah i'll message you if i#need anything‚ thank you'#and just typing it out like that it sounds like i was fine and just saw it coming a ways away. however that is not the case#i had had my covid booster and some other vaccine earlier that day‚ lost 5 vials of blood‚ eaten Nothing‚ drank only#acidic-ass apple juice‚ and had just hit my vape too hard#keeping it in once it made its presence known was a feat of will the likes of which have never been seen before#and still my sentences prevail
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shotaro is so hard on himself :(
#i mean im a fire sign too so i'd also be shitting myself & crying if somebody put me on the studio when i'm the weakest vocally in my group#not only that but to sing in two languages that are not my mother tongue lol#actual position wise i'd say he's the lead rapper and that's me being generous. he's not to blame tho bc he has focused his whole life into#dancing. you can't turn a dancer into a mariah carey unless they were already born with it or trained themselves to get good vocals#and obv sm wants to lead him into being a main dancer who occasionally raps but in my humblr opinion#they should also train him vocally so he gets more confidence in himself. like at least they should try to get him to be able to#do something else other than talk singing or screaming singing cos my guy can't hold a note yet they should focus on that first#and i feel sm only gave him + sungchan many parts in memories and get a guitar as a gift for fans who waited for them to debut#i suppose the next songs will be more seunghan and sohee heavy bc they're the only ones who can sing. add wonbin and anton to that too bc#they're fan favorites but they're not that good vocally lol#so that leaves eunseok sungchan and shotaro doomed to one liners. nct johnny style. sad!#it kinda pisses me off tho bc In My Mind every single person in a sm group should be able to sing#wait i take that back sungchan can sing and he can do a decent job rapping so then its only eunseok n taro#i suppose they barely have time to eat since their schedule is so packed but pls sm add some vocal lessons there 🙏#taro has a similar tone to tsuki from billlie in the way their voices break frequently but tsuki released a fucking solo song!!!!!!!!! they#trained the hell out of her!!!!! if she was able to do it taro can do it too#222
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Why is it so fucking hard to get evaluated for dyslexia
#im already diagnosed too!!! i just need a reevaluation so i can get accomodations at university#but nooo its all schools and people in my area that do not seem like actual doctors and 'dont bill insurance directly'#hello????#also its all for children!! all the photos are kids and the places i look at only talk about elementary ages#please im an adult 😭 i don't want to drive an hour away to get an evaluation for something i already have documented#its such bullshit that those papers get old#its not like you can cure dyslexia#i still write and spell like shit but at least i have autocorrect and a dictionary on hand at all times#ugh i don't know who to look at for this#im pretty sure im just going to go down to my campus disability center and see if they cant help me#if not the councilors might have an idea#its funny too because i didnt realize you could get accommodations for dyslexia until i was in English 1302 class writing an essay by hand#and was like uhh prof can i use my phone to look up how to spell a word because im dyslexic and hes like oh i didnt see that you had that#and i was like what? you can get one?#anyways this just leads to me saying i want my ass covered in any way especially since im going to have to take more math classes#and oh OH my dyslexia comes out there#catch me flipping numbers left and right and not realizing it until my answer is wrong and i know i did all the steps right#sIGH this is just a long winded mini rant in the tags ajdjbd dont mind me im stressed about transferring#it shouldn't be a problem but i still have anxiety#anyways its a struggle to get diagnosed with dyslexia as an adult who knew#aster rambles
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•.•
#vent#okay i love my mother a lot. but Sometimes. sometimes#its just so. like she complains about her mom reminding her to do stuff completely obvious when my mom is almost 60#and they live in different states#this gets on her nerves every time she talks to my grandma i swear#BUT SHE DOES THE SAME TO ME ALL THE TIME#i’m 23 i’m moving across the state. away from my parents. ive lived alone before#’oh you need to put these papers in your document box’ okay cool sure thing#’oh and you need to take that box with you. you’ll need it’#oh the box with my social security card old paystubs important medical information and passport? that box? i’ll need that box??#that never occurred to me thank you mother#its not even like just reminding me to take it it was like her tone was like ‘dont you dare try to leave it here you have to take it’#like? i never considered leaving it…? its mine????#shes stressed about quite a few things rn esp her parents and brother which always leads her to smothering me for some reason#so i KNOW its not that she like. thinks im stupid or something#but when she gets stressed she turns to my to do list and problems as a way to get away from her own#and then out of nowhere shes bombarding me with stuff i need to do and im like. Girl#fix ur own shit first i got mine
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...... If I went on a hiatus for who knows how long again would y'all hate me....... 👉👈
#i just spent like an hour writing and rewriting a post trying to explain myself amd its just so hard to put into words#im bored here but not in a ew not enough content for the dopamine hit shit#in like a every time i scroll through I dont smile I dont see anything that makes me happy at all i dont get a laugh or anything#its just mindless brain rotting scrolling nothing wasting my time hoping maybe ill see a new artist to follow or something#and every time its nothing#so much nothing taking up so much of my time and space in my life and i already dont have a lot of time to begin with#ive made some awesome friends here ive had lovers from here ive had people who are no longer on this earth from here who ill never forget#i dont think ive really enjoyed anything on here in 7 years#ive left before for a really long time i think like a year or more or something#and i wont be totally unreachable of people message me ill respond but im so sick of this stupid app taking up my life#and all i ever get out of it is getting mad or getting depressed over shit that really is t worth my mental state over#all i ever feel on here is that the world fuckin sucks and theres not even anything here to make hanging around worth it#im not new to this site making me suicidal for an abundance of reasons and im luckily in a spot where i wont actually hurt myself#its just ideation and intrusive thoughts but its a pattern i cant keep ignoring#also im old tumblr im old tumblr and i think i will always be old tumblr im just not catching on to new shit anymore#the fact im even saying anything about a hiatus should show how pld tumblr i am no one does this anymore lol#i just don't want to be here anymore i dont really want to be anywhere online anymore tbh#its always something and i cant mentally keep up with it anymore i have too much going on in my life#my wife is having cancer removed on Tuesday im a lead teacher who has to take care of i think 8 babies now#i have problems i have actual problems that need me and need me to be as there as i can be#i cant be spiraling over stuff online on top of real world problems im in no position to do anything about on top of personal life problems#that are drastically affecting my life at home and hurting my family and loved ones#i have a mass in my thyroid which is so big i choke to the point i stop breathing if I dont have my meds i throw up all day#i have to see a neurologist because at best i have a pinched nerve at worst im having seizures and i might have to move states again#i dont have it in me to come on here and see stuff that makes me upset for the chance i might see something i like#and i can unfollow people and whatever but I dont have the energy or time to sift through people i follow on here#if you want to talk in dms or asks or you want to send me posts pls by all means continue to do so thats fine#but i think i need to take the app out of my line of sight again for a bit and just be in the moment again same with twitter#anyways i love yall i promise i am safe and not in harms way im just stressed af and i have got to start cutting things out that#arent doing anything other then making me miserable
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dunmeshi mithruncore (every day I can’t get up to make myself eat at all or get up to use the bathroom or fall asleep or actually do more to help myself unless im told to or someone physically Makes me do it or I finally manage to do so for the first time very very late in the day cuz I forced myself to out of fear)
#im in hell#that thing he said about not being able to sleep without magic or meds is so real#my sleep treatments even stopped working gradually#and if I don’t take any at all im laying awake until fuckinf 7 am#it takes me like an hour of holding it in to use the fuckinf bathroom#and the thing that makes me move is being terrified of kidney failure#it’s 6 pm and I still haven’t eaten my first meal of the day. tried ripping into a protein bar I had saved for moments like this but I can’t#make myself take more than 2 bites#the amount of times these past few years I’ve practically passed out from hunger cuz I just. cannot make myself get up to eat or make myself#something. omfgggggggff#I literally am a magic practitioner and have helped myself with spell work many times in the past yet I just can’t. make myself utilize it#more. yet I have all these books and supplies to use. and I’ve studied for hours and hours and know what to do#and it’s crazy cuz when im high off the sleep treatment THEN I actually do things but I don’t wanna use that more cuz im afraid of getting#addicted uhm. yeah idk what to even do anymore#my bf helps tremendously with leading me to do things but I don’t wanna take advantage of him too much and he’s long distance#but jesus fuck im literally on adderall now but its my emotional problems that keep it from working#it’s like wtf happened#I can’t fucking do anything unless someone’s there to guide me through it or keep me engaged as I work or they push me to in some way#and it’s like wow. cuz I want independence more than anything#it’s crazy cuz I related with his old self to the T especially with the desires and competitivity problems and trying to gain things he#doesn’t even actually want just for leverage and a sense of worth and the ‘if im not on the top on everything i dont have actual worth’thing#and other stuff I can’t remember off the top of my head. and I actually had friends and was more talkative#but now it’s like#🪿#yk what I mean#there’s a shitload of other things I relate too hard with but I can’t remember rn or I won’t mention cuz too much to go into#my bf said if he were around irl he’d cook for me and help with stuff when I go thru being like this nonstop which hey nice cuz obv id help#him with anything too#I mean there’s days where im better and can Do Things but it never lasts long and it sucks I can’t ever trust myself having a job or#I had all these things I wanted to do but I just feel nothing toward it and it drives me insane like can this maybe Not happen so often
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