#its like having thousand bodies...
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Theres no way the operator / drifter can adapt to warframe's sensation so fast
Wisp doesnt have feet so have fun learning how to walk again when you get back to your human body
Nidus phryke skin has like 20 eyes, on the side, probably gonna get dizzy in seconds if they actually see with them
Chroma basically has 2 separate bodies
Caliban's body splits in half
Grendel is a voreframe
Kullervo has like 10 knifes on his torso 24/7
Dagath literally has no head
Jade is pregnant
Xaku's body is... Like, that. Also literally explodes btw
Oroworms and maws arent even close to a human bodoy
How the hell aren't they insane? Or are they just constantly throwing up after transferring out of god knows what those things are
#related to nidus in my school au btw#i know very well that this sentence doesn't make any sense but also like. im not drawing nidus in school au#nidus is already fucked up enough on his own#like. he has these cancer thingy on him. and is connect to basically all infested beings so maybe he can feel them too#its like having thousand bodies...#almost no operator could take him in my school au btw#also he's like a mechanic but for warframes btw#why am i saying these here i just said im not gonna draw these#warframe#ramble
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merry xmas! im drinking rum with aleks and listening to some really old techno. i blurted everything about ouro and all the tough things surrounding, and its future, and i got so excited i yelled and yodeled into the dead and dark forest. it's been such. such a good christmas. 2025 got nothing on me. we live we die and we fucking live again. hold my hand. giggle with me. have some zacapa. i love you
#!!!!!!!#when the end of year actually feels like the exhale of a breath you've held for years? i mean. this feels almost too good to be true#not to say im not struggling. but its hard to acknowledge that when everything feels like this. like hope. like homecoming.#a force majeure of optimism but still. grounded? real? yeah. real. more real than anything has felt in years and years#i wish you a lovely holiday whether you celebrate or not#and i wish. i wish upon a thousand stars and the black matter in between that i can be present for the creativity that is a physical thing#an anchor in my body. an anvil. something i just yearn to make real and place in someone elses hands#i have no idea if im doing it the right way! if it reads as i recieve it from the frail ends of my synapses. but god damn it if i wont try#ouro got me this far (even if you had to wait for the story- the story gave me what i needed to just. change what needed to be changed befo#e I tell it to you. i truly don't know how to explain it. im just shaking your shoulders and rattling trees and telling the cosmos thank yo#!!!!! augh difficult to explain can't do it#im smiling angelically at you while man o to is playing on the speakers. and there are stars in the sky and good company beside me.#hope tonight treats you kindly#happy holidays<3
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Do psychotropic drugs and/or ritual play a role in any of the blightseed cultures? A pretty broad question, lol
Yeah that’s a very broad question, the answer is about as much as it tends to play roles in real history. Alcohol is pretty ubiquitous (outside of cultures that abstain from intoxicants) and used for a variety of purposes, opioids are commonly used in some parts for pain relief or recreational purposes, stimulants (usually in mild, natural forms) are used to provide extra energy, and hallucinogens are most commonly used as part of a larger religious framework (rather than for recreational purposes). Any more elaborate answer kinda has to be case by case in a certain culture or part of the setting.
I'll just take this as an opportunity to talk about the one established sect that pretty much REVOLVES around psychoactive use. This is the Scholarly Order of the Root, which is a sort of mystery religion + elite community of scholars who currently occupy the Ur-Tree and its forest in the far southern Lowlands (southeast of Imperial Wardin, on the same land mass).
The Ur-Tree is the obligatory Huge Fucking Fantasy Tree (and its surrounding forest). It’s a mass of vegetation about a mile tall and almost as old as Plant Life Itself, its upper branches are primeval plants, which become more modern the nearer they get to the ground (and each 'level' holds tiny ecosystems, some containing descendants of LONG-extinct arthropods/other small animals). Its lowest branches and the surrounding forest are contemporary plant life, and all is connected and protected by an incomparably MASSIVE fungal mycelium network (which is itself a living god).
A lot of the Scholars' more secretive practices revolve around experimentation with substance use with the goal of expanding the Mind and transcending the body to fully connect to the Dreamlands, and they have a supply chain of traders and mercenaries called Rootrunners who traffic substances into the Lowlands. Most of their psychoactive use is in a very intentional capacity and not just like, for fun, but a LOT of them are just straight up addicted to cocaine (in the form of alchemically refined bruljenum, which is used for practical purposes of its stimulant effect during long hours of work).
All known psychoactives are desirable for experimentation (particularly hallucinogens), with each having properties that either allow expansion of the Mind, transcendence of the body, or outright divine communion. Their effects are logged in great detail and interpreted to form the basis of the Scholars' understanding of the natural world and reality itself.
The most important substance is Ur-Root, which is root matter from subterranean levels of the Ur-Tree that have both their own intrinsic psychoactive substances and a very, very high concentration of living god mycelium. The tree root contains DMT and the mycelium has its own wholly unique effects (being an actual living god). They alchemically refine it into a purer, more potent form, and use it to expand beyond the body and directly commune with the Giants, a group of entities they have identified as the only true gods.
An Ur-Root trip starts off with minor visual distortion, which turns into shifting fractals that slowly obscure the vision. Eventually the senses are entirely taken over by a 'tunnel' of rapidly shifting fractals and geometries. In a complete trip, the experiencer gets a sense that they have been pushed through a membrane and entered another realm, finding themselves in a distinct experiential Space.
At this point they may encounter entities which communicate to them in a language impossible to describe but wholly understood. These beings are understood to be the Giants, or at least aspects of the Giants that mortals are capable of comprehending (they often take familiar tutelary forms of the Mantis or the Snake, or appear resembling the same type of sophont that the experiencer is, all composed of ever-shifting geometries). The experiencer often feels a sense of unconditional and endless love from these beings, though the Giants may be more hostile and may appear in the form of the Trickster (usually a cultural figure regarded as malicious, be it an animal or otherwise) in a bad trip.
(^Up until this point, this has mostly just been a DMT 'breakthrough' experience ft. 'machine elves' and the like).
They are then removed from this space and returned to something that feels like the real world, but is nearly unrecognizable. They have a sense of rapidly moving through time, and will usually see 'the spires' towards the beginning, which just so happen to look like this:

(source + some context via Implication- the spires are exactly what this art is depicting)
The experiencer continues to move across an unfathomable amount of time, occasionally 'seeing' other such flashes of unfamiliar landscapes and creatures, and yet also being devoid of all their senses, the 'seeing' is pure, unfiltered experience. There is a sense of interconnectedness with all life, and that one has become the forest (or even Life) itself. The sense of time is wildly distorted, the trip lasts only about 5 minutes but feels like an eternity and is understood as literal hundreds of millions of years.
The experiencer has usually lost any remaining sense of Self and individual consciousness during this phase (in which case this time distortion is usually a neutral or even peaceful experience), but some retain a fraction of their identity, and find themselves trapped and conscious while experiencing what feels like eternity (which can be LIFE-CHANGINGLY distressing, even after the fact).
(^This latter part of the trip is the effects of the Ur-Tree fungus).
The trip ends with a sense of rushing through the ground and back up into one's body, at which point they will abruptly return to their senses and consciousness. The details are then immediately retrieved via interview and recorded in immense detail. The whole experience is understood as having been full comprehension of the Dreamlands, communion with the Giants, and then a tour through the act of creation.
This is done as part of the initiatory practice into the inner mystery-religion of the scholars, and as needed for study by high scholar-priests. It is not taken lightly, both as it is absolute communion with the gods and reality, and in that it can be a very, very difficult experience. People who have gone through this often walk away with a permanently shifted perspective, often in a positive and/or comforting way- a sense of interconnectedness with all life, a peace with the concept of death, seeing less of a point in individual ego and the concept of Self, and comfort in the sense of divine love they (may have) experienced. This heavily influences the philosophy of the Scholars and has had effects by proxy in the religious worldviews of the region.
Details of this experience are closely guarded, and initiates are given absolutely no prior knowledge and expectations for their trip. This is seen as a necessity- their naivety will allow for a true, unfiltered experience, and can be used to gauge whether they should or should not be accepted. Those that have a distinctly bad trip upon initiation may be assumed to have been 'rejected' by the giants and thus denied full priesthood, though this largely depends on How they interpret their distressing trip- those who identify this as a test and harsh lesson in a journey to enlightenment may be accepted (as this is how fully initiated scholar-priests interpret and handle their bad trips).
This inner priesthood is only a small fraction of the Scholarly Order, and its greater function is as a hub of education and repository of knowledge, and Scholar-trained doctors can provide some of the best medical care available in the setting ('best medical care in this setting' only means so much but it's pretty solid, relatively speaking). Only a chosen few Scholars ever get to commune with the Ur-Root, and most of the divine secrets revealed in the process are kept hidden (though they indirectly influence the politics and worldview of the entire order).
#I'm kind of fascinated by the quasi-religious beliefs that have developed around recreational hallucinogen use (ESPECIALLY DMT)#In contrast to like. Uses of DMT-containing substances like ayahuasca for long-established religious purposes#So this concept is basically 'what if a religion was FORMED from pretty much the ground up out of DMT usage'#Like the common 'entities' people encounter in recreational use being identified as the Real Gods and producing a religious worldview#that is mostly rooted in this experience (while still influenced by other cultural factors)#Also the like. Meta going on here is that the fungus is a 'living god' and the oldest one on the planet#It is a VERY rare type of living god that is 'created' by non-sophont (non-sentient even) beings and exists as a mycelial network#that perfectly supports and protects an entire forest. Basically a god for plants. It is so deeply interconnected with its forest that the#usual power sophont belief would have over it has basically zero influence. This is absolutely the closest thing to A God in canon.#(While still not being a Creator/sapient/or even supernatural within the framework of this reality. Just VERY unique.)#The Ur-Tree has always been above water and grows very very slowly over the course of millenia by kind of 'pulling up' plant life from#the ground (so you see ancient long extinct plants in its higher branches and contemporary plants close to/on the ground)#The mycelium helps shield and feed extinct plant life that could not otherwise survive in the contemporary environment#And the forest is big enough to produce its own weather (it is a rainforest and has been ever since the capacity for rainforests Existed)#It's not really a tree at all in any normal sense but an amalgam of thousands of types of plants-#Some growing on top of others and some interwoven beyond any distinction. It does form a superficially treelike structure#(mostly in order to physically support its own mass) with a very wide 'trunk' and massive 'roots' (which end in actual roots).#It feeds on its own perpetually shedding and decaying 'body' and any animal life that dies in the forest is VERY rapidly#decayed and absorbed by the mycelial network (to the point that many large scavengers cannot survive in this forest)#(If you kill a cow and leave it on the ground for just 1/2 hour you'll see little strands of mycelium already growing up around it)#The fungus fruits and spores on a very infrequent basis (scale of ten-thousands of years) which causes the forest to very slowly spread#Fortunately this isn't really an existential threat because the spread is VERY slow (even on a geological scale) and the fungus#itself is rather mundane in nature and cannot usually compete against established fungal networks in other places.#Though there are little Ur-Tree mycelium groves and woodlands in other parts of the world that may (over untold millennia)#generate their own Ur-Trees (there's already a few but they are all MUCH smaller and not readily recognized as the same thing)#WRT THE TRIP:#Most of what I'm describing is a DMT trip but consumption of high doses of Ur-Tree mycelium has both mundane psychoactive effects#and IS kind of the person experiencing the fungus' entire lifetime and seeing flashes of the world's actual evolutionary history.#The amount of material knowledge that can be accurately gleaned from this this is VERY limited though.
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She had considered it once. When she woke up in the middle of the night after a horrible nightmare, after she had accepted that she didn’t love Daring and he wasn’t her Prince Charming. She had considered it, buying a love potion, manufacturing that feeling. Fixing herself. Perhaps if she had known her true love would be Darling, would be a girl, she would have gone through with it.
#me: apple baby no#also me being the one writing her like this#its the internalized homophobia + arophobia for me#guys i am at almost two thousand words and dying#i dont write long things like this#and then im going to have to edit it all 👻😮💨#<-where is the soul leaving your body emoji when you need it#apple white#eah
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pretty heavy vent in tags
#im going to delete this later but it's like. am i out of my fucking mind. am i out of my lane. have i veered so far off course#like i feel like my job right now is so fucking ridiculous and yes working 44-46 hours every week where you get yelled at with people who.#have more money than you in one week than you have the entire month?#and there are no internships or fucking jobs i can get that pay me more than what i'm making here.#and the internships i can't plan around my schedule.#and i dont feel like i can actually Get my degree without getting a loan and i have tried. so so hard not to do that.#i'm a junior and i haven't gotten loans ever . and i REALLY. really wanted to avoid that.#but this shit with that medical bill worth fucking 6 thousand its like#i dont know how much longer i can do this!!! i really dont!!!#and with this administration of course there aren't fucking jobs in wildlife conservation!!!#people who have been in it for fucking decades are losing their jobs so what does some no fucking body like me stand a chance!!!!!#i'm srs i do not know how much longer i can do this .
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#poll#polls#me personally well i think the disney corporonation has done acts of imperialism on purpose repeatedly#on a level that makes it nearly an equal in violence and horror with the united states of america itself#though disney is mostly an extension of the united states of america#its semilegal not politically recognized arm it uses to paint a veneer of fantasy and joy over atrocity#the wing of america used most to enter the corporate space as just another company and the creative space as just another studio#its yet another limb of the unuted states' great and horrible body just like israel#and it is responsible for its own mass of atrocities in addition to all the things it does which are good or neutral or only a little bad#and so with that in mind id say like. if i dont get to have gravity falls and hercules 1995 ...... oh well. i would#strangle walt disney with my bare hands a thousand times over for all the damage hes caused
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in the umbrella academy season 3 episode 6 when allison is fliping through the radio it starts out on this one station where this guy says, "I'd like to, uh, talk about ghosts," and for some reason i feel like that was gerard way's voice... is it..??
#the umbrella academy#gerard way#help#i want it to be them but it might not be but i have the strangest strongest feeling it is for absolutely no reason#absolutely unfounded and random#currently watching the third season for the first time and it is a thousand times better than i thought it would be idk why i thought it#would be treacherous torture#i just keep reminding myself that it's more like inspired by the comics than based off of them and its cool#it lets me appreciate the homages more#sudden scent of axe body spray and nobody in my house even owns that and im in my room alone... door closed...#haunted by the ghost of a teenage boy all of a sudden?????????????? my father uses that but he doesn't live here....... umm...#whatever ig...#that was very strange..#bc it just smelled like coffee before then a sudden shift and it was like axe body spray and now it's back to normal morning scents....#ok...
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time for eden posting. nope, not that one. not that one either. yes, the other one. the final fantasied one. the one that split his soul into halves and then survived the sundering because he got locked in a box. and then the box got eaten by a space whale. that eden
#.text#by technicality he is the body and not the heart. which is funny bc he was originally just eden (euden eden) in ff14#who is the heart and not the body#ive been trying to think of how he meets the scions for a whiiiiile and i think yda just beats up those voidsent in the twelveswood#and one of them spits out the box eden is locked in. brings it to the waking sands. and accidentally frees him from his self imposed prison#its literally just this small cube. the size of a rubix cube. completely black. probably covered in voidsent guts by now#so the fact she picked it up and kept it at all is extremely funny#i think thancreds the one to open it tho. the bias is showing. but yda would be like looook at this super cool box i found#inside a voidsents belly!!! and he'd be like woah thats awesome lemme see. & accidentally presses a button#and then Boom. there is a body in their meeting room. dressed like an ascian#eden: which one of you fools let me out of my prison#yshtola: thancred summoned the ascian so perhaps he should deal with it. if he dies then not much is lost really#eden has been asleep for like tens of thousands of years he doesnf even know what an ascian is#hes standing there like 🧍 guys is the world still blowing up#he probably cant even read modern text. i imagine hes squinting at everything thats handed to him like an elderly man#which he is technically#yda: hmmm... he cant read common eorzean... he lies about his age... hes bad at physical exercise... hes super smart... speaks in riddles..#yda: eden have you considered joining the senior citizens club in uldah. they do book clubs every thursday and dances every saturday!#i didnt actually know who he would bond with the easiest but yeah its probably yda. maybe yshtola or urianger as well#i dont think hed get along with the twins well but mostly because they remind him of something hes forgotten (himself)#and it makes him uncomfortable. and sad. and angry.#cons of forcefully tearing yourself into parts to forget and to destroy the worser parts of you#alisaie would hate him anyway solely bc he keeps trying to get himself killed#which would piss her off soooo bad#thancred too probably tbh#those 2 are a pair even if they arent in canon. Just trust me on that one#augh i need an eden tag idk#i had a name for him but i dont remember it anymore#it was like albenau or something#i cant remember tho
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another thing I enjoy about asmos character is that we get hints about some of his past romantic relationships
Im sure the other brothers have engaged with others in the past but actually getting to read about it is interesting to me
#obey me asmodeus#i wanna learn everything about this character hah#it makes him feel more real the more info i get#also this info in particular makes sense for his type of character#being the avatar of lust and having so much love in his body#and ik it sounds weird cause#“ahh this is a self indulgent dating game we dont wanna hear about them being interested in others or having past lovers"#but i think it ENHANCES the importance of asmo falling for MC in the end (thats the whole point of “flirty” types tho)#also im nosy...im down to know!#trying to date changed my brain chemistry#me before would have not cared i think#anyways i refuse to believe none of the brothers other than asmo havent been interested in anyone other than mc#like only mc?#are u sure....#idk how to say it without sounding mean#but....thousands of years of existence and u never looked at anyone else other than mc?#no crushes even?#if they were aromantic it would make sense but they aren't cause mc (and even then people can experiment)#ik its fictional self indulgence but...it feels so unrealistic i cant take it seriously#when a character is only capable of falling in love with mc#and apparently NO ONE ELSE in the whole wide world#im already like “...hmmm naur” but now factor in that the character is not human and has been around for a very long time....#like theyve had to met so many people by now please be for real right now#well thats my spiel but i feel like i can keep rambling about this honestly
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the amount of hate on cairngorm/welegato's fandom wiki page is so fucking wild to me ?????????????????????? like im looking for info and references but holy shit????????
like I get it, we were all mad that phos was losing the small support group they had during the moon arc - but phos was not a perfect hero (let alone a hero in a traditional sense, moreso a sacrificial lamb and necessary catalyst) and their support group was not perfect. no one batted an eye when the other gems on the moon stopped caring about phos during their disappearance, but everyone just. ganged up so harshly to hate on cairn??? and it feels so unwarranted
where was THIS energy when dia became a pop idol and revealed that they wanted attention and to shine as bright as they could because they could NEVER do that when they were constantly compared to bort?????
like, you dont HAVE to like them but some of these comments are just bordering on 'i hate women' just bc cairn becomes extremely feminine and confident and happy with their new life as a wife and princess, and detached from phos???
"this isnt my cairngorm" OF COURSE ITS NOT, BC THE ONE WE MET WASNT EVEN THE REAL CAIRN IN THE FIRST PLACE...... THATS STILL SOMEONE WHO WAS EMOTIONALLY AND PHYSICALLY MANIPULATED INTO BECOMING PHOS' ONE AND ONLY ANCHOR, ON ACCOUNT OF LOOKING LIKE A DEAD PERSON THAT PHOS COULDNT LET GO OF
the whole point is that THIS is the real cairn, devoid of any leftover influences from ghost quartz and given a chance to be themself. and you don't have to like them, and you can still argue that achmea was using them as well and in this case, being "used" by him would still be the first REAL choice cairn ever made for themself. but to entirely ignore the interesting themes they bring on the table during the moon arch JUST because you don't like their attitude towards phos feels like such a disservice to the whole manga as a whole thats constantly shown the very complex relationships and motivations people can have that are just. not compatible in the slightest
cairngorm's analysis as a direct foil to phos is such an interesting theme like, this is someone who slowly starts gaining their own identity vs someone who slowly starts losing it. but its all overshadowed bc "i fucking hate this bitch i hate their clothes and their trophy wife attitude i hope cairn and achmea die or apologize to phos"
the cairngorm everyone in these comments keep saying they want to see again is not even cairngorm. its GHOST QUARTZ
#would YOU fuckers like to live as the puppet of the twin who kept you in the dark for a thousand years?????????????????????#never in control of your own body desires and thoughts??????????? being forced to be someone's emotional and mental anchor???????????#people forget. that cairngorm was SUICIDAL. and was READY to kill themself at any moment's notice through any excuse possible#you dont HAVE to like welegato. but all this hate towards him feels so unwarranted#COME ON GUYS THEYRE SO FUCKING TRANSGENDER IS UNREAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!#IN A MANGA ABOUT VERY FEMININE ANDROGYNOUS ASEXUAL GEMS WHO DONT KNOW ABOUT GENDER AND USE GENDER NEUTRAL/MASC PRONOUNS#my theory is that ppl are projecting a little too hard on phos and take anyone opposing them a little too personally#im glad we're in the final stretch of the manga though#emotionally. im destroyed and its been such a good ride
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ohhhh u know what i wanna write. need to, even. very important to do it at some point. but i think i really do need to make the doctor have a meltdown. i think that would be very cathartic to put them through.
#whump but autism flavored. for me.#i mean i imagine that he has been having them just off-screen when the worse adventures are over#can keep it together as long as he’s running because he can focus on something else and. then when he is not it all hits at once.#the doctor curled on the tardis floor because he can hear her engine vibrating through it and its the only sensation that isnt causing him#physical pain to experience at the moment#i need him to go thru some shit okay. never enough fics in the autistic doctor tag on ao3#skmeone remind me to outline this in the morning. gotta pick which doctor to do it to. which companion to be with him.#i am feeljng ten & donna but that could change#oh on that note: thinks about 14 having meltdowns about. ‘normal things’.#local man who has saved the world a thousand times suddenly finds out that grocery store lighting is intensely stressful and makes him want#to cry. despite all contradicting evidence that this is happening to him is a good thing.#means he’s recalibrating slowly to allow his body to be upset by things like that rather than pushing all of it down to be set off by#the world nearly exploding or someone he loves getting hurt. instead he can get overwhelmed by small things and feel safe that if he reacts#to that. nothing bad will happen to him while he’s having a meltdown. ohhhhh donna bringing him a weighted blanket because he went to hide#in his tardis after comjng home and not saying a word to anyone…..#okay im done i swear im done.
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😵💫😵💫😵💫
These sobs really limited my tags?????
I have so many more thoughts this is so so much less than 1/2. Broski. Big dislike
#its ‘i watched a tv show and i need to talk about it in the tags of this site im not on anymore’ time#ty to the void for always accepting my thoughts <3#so honestly its just me thinking about the andromeda tv show. i just finished it and it left me destitute bc i clung onto the first 2 season#s as a basis and had ten thousand questions i *assumed* would be resolved. spoiler alert: they were nto#not*. and the coda addition helps but like. not enough. it explains some of the#oh fyi if anyone is reading or cared there will be spoilers#anyways it explained some of them ex for the cosmic engine bit. seemed pretty relevant and then was never mentioned again#i also MUCH prefer that version of trance — i had speculation she was a sun avatar which i took as confirmation when i finally noticed her#tattoo when harper used it to remind himself he put that data in the sun etc etc but i much prefer the sun-as-consciousness-astral-poject-#ing-slash-dreamjng-itself-a-body / being a little devil. i think that feels much more true to what we got in worldbuilding early on and tbh#the bar is on the floor bc any explanation would be better than what we got. also im sorry but s5 i trusted SO hard that that whole virgil#vox bit in the finale was insulting. couldnt even tie up the loose end you invented at the last minute????? MY god. i understand getting you#r budget halved but like. broski. it would have been better to ignore it at that point imo.#anywhoodle. i also have just ISSUES w the lack of resolution & not doing justice to literally any character#listen. why would you sink SO much effort into tyr just to have honestly what i feel is a disrespectful end to that character. like#tyr required me to do a LOT of thinking bc i sympathized with his position in exile etc while thinking also bro thats real fucked up. bro#stop thats fuckinng e*genics again dude. tbh with the entire species (im not looking up how to spell that rn) bc like the foundation of#their entire race is e*ugenics. (sorry censoring bc im in the tags just venting about tv) which obviously is a terrible idea but i think the#so it was like i am fundamentally against the concept but in show universe theg obviously did it etc but for me provided such a huge like#context to the universe. i fundamentally am not on board with all the commonwealth stuff like yeah i get it the magog are bad and scary but#like the neitzcheans (sp??? idc) are also Right There bein scary. then theres the ‘enhanced’ debate re dylan beka etc that like. is the same#but ‘’different’’ i guess. 🙄 anyways that is just to point out like. the level of thinking this show put me through just to blindside me w/#no resolution. i had SO much hope. tyr selling iut to the abyss is disrespectful to all of the established work the actor did for him and#to the character as well even if i think the ideology is icky. he was shown to be even less and less self-centric survival guy as it went on#and also tbh i didnt understand the him stealing his kids dna thing. i really thought that was gonna gi in a different less bs direction#okay also while im here can i just say. that tyr and dylan had THE most romantic tension to me. everyone else felt very friendshipy and i am#NOT one to usually fall into a ‘they obviously should be together’ pipeline that the writers dont make themselves. but the back and forth (#and intense eye contact) had me sitting there like. it was made in 2000 i know they wont do it but for not doing it they sure did! not that#i think they’d make a good couple (they would not) but that there was definitely something there on the dl you know? something more than#‘mutual respect’ you feel? and tbh! they also ruined the tyr beka thing by making her the matriarch. big ew huge ick.
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#I have. A shit tonne to say on this song. About how it was one of the last songs in one of my ex's meditation playlists#And generally I get a little freaked out when I hear songs like that that he listened to but like... This one for some reason means so much#to me. It reminds me of sitting there - he'd lie in my body perfectly still not moving at all for like an hour - in the freezing cold room#bc we'd never use the heater and the window would be open 24/7 and the stars were just above our head#and I'm like............. This is........................#This song is...... That recollection shouldn't be so comforting because in any other situation and in any other context those nights#and my ex forcing me to lie still to Try And Astral Project while he would be stopping me#And being stared at by thousands of eyes is horrific#But this song conjures something and means something and#IDK what the full reason is but this feels like connecting to Leviathan in those years. To get to the point.#I'm still not conscious of what he was talking about and I guess that's natural bc I wasn't conscious of it then but I know#what energy he's talking about like. I may not have known he as a Being was there but I remember it and it's this#Despair //#Energy#~abyssal murmurs#This feels like him back then. I feel like.... Some fucking part of me saw him there and some fucking part of me knew.... I guess that's#literally true but... Its so.... Blurry.#Actually no I think these are weird fucking astral memories bc I shouldn't have snapshots of Seeing him like what's in my head#blurry cryptid looking ass. Affectionately. Fuck. No that adds up because I already knew these years were me waking up more#and more in the fucking astral jfvzhshsjs holy shit no hold on wtf#What it feels like and looks like would align EXACTLY with brief barely conscious waking up out of my body and seeing him#and then passing out again - just heard him say I've come a long way I'LL TAKE THAT AS A YES#Fucking hell. Yeah it feels exactly how the astral feels goddamn. Just. Hi now I know who you are. Mr Hat Man#Leviathan //#Music#Spotify
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i really hope hayley has a long fulfilling rest and recovers soon but man does it have me spiraling yet again about the future of live music
#i dont feel like wording a proper post so ill type here#a lot of speculation is about it being related to covid#and APPARENTLY. i didnt know this before but apparently insurers wont fucking cover show cancellations if they SAY its covid#long covid is very real and very deadly and nobody fucking talks about it. nobody fucking cares--#because its not in the best economic interest. because society will not accommodate hundreds of thousands of ppl with new disabilities.#LIKE IM SAYING THIS FULLY ABLE BODIED. NEVER HAD COVID (as far as im aware at least. tested neg every time ive suspected)#it is fucked up that performers feel obligated to go on. to potentially expose ppl. they cant even say it for what it is#because our leaders have failed us and have given up.#what is live entertainment gonna look like in the future. i dont know. it scares me.#i have only dipped my toes in a couple times and i dont want it go away because performers are suffering man. this sucks.#skulltxt
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the latest aita is making me sad. the teeth one. because like... when i was a kid, i was told to have braces! and that i'd need an eventual surgery! and because i didn't want to, my parents didn't make me.
that surgery would've changed my life. i'm not fucking kidding. i'm pretty sure 75% of my physical disabilities stem from not getting that surgery. and by the time i was able to bring up trying to have corrective work again, i was two years from losing my insurance, and my parents procrastinated. now it seems like a pipe dream it'll ever happen.
i get being resentful of your parents forcing you to do things you don't want to do, but god damn, if mine had actually really pushed me into getting braces, my life would be so much different and so much better.
#riot.txt#personal#vent#sorry i'm just. really emotional and maybe a lil triggered#bc SO MUCH of my physical and mental health problems can be stemmed to my jaw#and my teeth.#bc i didn't get that surgery i can't swallow easily. i can't take medication i severely need. my back and neck are bent in ways i can't und#due to lack of breathing. i can't sit up straight bc i can't breathe and that's caused so much damage to me!#if they'd have pushed me into caring for my teeth and my body it would've saved me SO much heartache and pain. i'll have no way of knowing#how different life would be#but i know for a FACT i wouldn't have certain issues i have now... i'd be on mental health medication i wouldn't have chronic pain i'd be#able to function in society without feeling like a burden who'll never be able to get on social security#idk im jst... PLEASE iff you have the chance to have orthopedic work done - DO IT.#if your PARENTS are going to be footing the bill and have good insurance i PROMISE thats a fucking blessing#bc i can't work anymore and the surgery i need that might fix a lot of my life is in the tens of thousands without insurance that i cant bu#anyways sorry to ramble n trauma dump but its my blog and if ANYONE sees this and it helps them or convinces them to get work done while#they can then. idk. feels worth it to be vulnerable :'3#EDIT: also like... if they'd forced me sure i'd be resentful#but ykw i am rn? even more resentful for the intense medical neglect that stemmed from 'well he doesn't want to so lets not make him'#most kids don't want to go to the doctor. maybe if they'd taken me regularily to a fucking doctor i'd have more answers for what's wrong wm#like... god i'd have hated braces then bc ofc i would i was a kid#but i hate even more now knowing just how fucking NEGLECTED i was as a kid bc they let me make my own choices by going the hands off approa#iunno. anyways. nah on that aita. you're allowed to be upset and resent him for it but GOD he is not an asshole for caring about you#'your body your choice' does not apply here at all. i'm so sorry to tell u this. fdkgfdhgkjdgd#EDIT 2: didn't even MENTION the fact i have dehibilitating chronic migraines and headache that i suspect are directly tied to my poor denta#health!! LIKE. AT LEAST ONCE A WEEK FOR THE ENTIRE DAY#SOMETIMES (OFTEN) MUTLIPLE TIMES A WEEK.#i only JST NOW got access to medicatio to help w it and i CAN'T. SWALLOW. THE MEDICATION THAT PREVENTS THE MIGRAINE FROM GETTING WORSE#I CAN ONLY SWALLOW THE DAILY MED... BC ITS _SO FUCKING TINY_.#aahghghfgdfhgdfjd -puts face in hands-
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