#its like im not even the right person to make this essay BUT NOBODY ELSE WILL APPARENTLY so.

[piromantic]

i know i say 'i wanna make a video essay about xyz' like once every three months and i've never followed through but hoooly shit i want to make a video essay on queerbaiting in gacha games

[doll-fac3d]

its time for me to ramble abt siffrin (probably also extends to loop?)'s derealization yaaay

if i were a smarter person id write and upload a 40 minute video essay to youtube called "in stars and time and derealization" about how amazing the game is at writing siffrin's slow perception of their family as "actors" and that it perfectly mirrors the exact process of depersonalization-derealization disorder's effect on someone's (mostly my) mind ESPECIALLY considering how siffrin is a theater kid and it's not uncommon (at least for me) for my derealization "scenarios" to manifest from forms of media i enjoy or some kind of scenario that's been presented by a pre-existing work of fiction. i'd talk about how slowly but surely the game makes you feel just as alone as siffrin and makes you adopt all the mannerisms of thinking he has throughout the game. how yeah, both in real life and in game everyone else starts to feel so unimportant because youre alone in feeling that nothing but you exists. nobody else is real so youre so so alone. id talk about how only specific people dont feel NOT real, but not quite real either. how they ground you but not in a way that fixes much. How they ground you in a way that stops you from going entirely insane but its still hopeless. How there's nothing else in the world but you so why does it matter. What sick kick is the universe getting out of putting you here? Studying you from afar like a lab rat. It's not fair. none of it is fair. you're in a horrible purgatorial nightmare and you cant get out you can never get out. and even when you do get out the healing is going to take so long. you dont know if youll ever fully heal. how long will it take? a year? so much of it will never leave you. is that just a notion youve made up? you have to heal at some point, right? or is that just another thing the universe is making you think to mess with you. but also im not smart enough for that so like

[slowdrippingnoise]

I cannot stop thinking about Fords dream. Plan sexual? Is this aroace confirmation??

"Attracted to planning" my ass. What happened to attracted to strange and the strange was always attracted to him?? You are a weirdo, except it

I an aroace and i was concerned that Ford will be straight in TBOB but now i am just confused???

I see you want to scream about the book of bill. Please scream at me i need someone else in this madness

OK!!!! so this is an extremely interesting question, and my perception of it is very heavily influenced by this interview being fresh in my mind (you've probably already read/watched but if not go do that it's great) towards the end you can find alex answering a question about ford being interpreted as queer- and basically talking about how ford is written as extremely romantically/interpersonally repressed in general- I won't try to summarize it i genuinely recommend just going and reading that, he describes it all better than I could (and again maybe you already have idk)

I feel like the tbob dream note could be taken a number of ways (and, while I wouldn't actually ask it cause i feel like leaving it up to imagination is actually more interesting in a creative engagement kind of way, i'm desperate to know what hypothetical answers are hiding behind that "usually" oh ford) but the thing that sticks out to me is. i mean it's very difficult to read it as straight isn't it. ford has recurring dreams about being quizzed on "what he's attracted to" and consistently dodges the question (doesn't even give a straightforward answer like "nothing", he misdirects back onto his logical smartguy persona) it's definitely a nod to fans too, sure, but in-character it's no-way-out firmly establishing that his sexuality specifically is on the Grand List of Stanford Pines Insecurities. we definitely got a nod to this way back in j3 of course- the ford&fidds campout conversation- but this i think this new tidbit betrays a much more internal fixation/anxiety than "it's confusing to me and I don't really want to think about it for more that a minute at a time" (<-the vibe his j3 stuff had more of to me) TL;DR whatever he is, i do not think you can call this man canonically straight at all lmao. W

(ok i'm losing track of my own thoughts a bit here. i should've outlined this like an essay lmao. back on track-)

In terms of what I personally believe/headcanon? honestly i'm in a funny in-between place right now- if you asked me last week i'd just say "he's gay probably" but this has me Thinking now in a more "ok, what cooperates best with canon and how I personally view him" way and the "ford aroace" people are making some interesting points. my most recent idea of him that i've been rolling around in my mindscape like a shiny rock goes basically like this:

(putting this under a cut)(also this goes wildly off-topic for a while because i love talking about ford. i promise it is tangentially related and relevant to my argument)

ford is repressed in how he deals with people because people are confusing and often scary (history of bullying and ostracization, we all hc him as some kind of autistic, etc.), and this extends to how he views romance/sex- if you don't see yourself as safe/belonging among other humans it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself in such intimate dynamics with them (accepted, loved) and ford is very well established to close himself off to keep himself safe. the prospect of "romance" is by default more unsettling than it could ever really be comforting to him (within his ability to imagine it, at least) outside of the rarer "what if i was just normal and nobody bothered me for existing" fantasy, which is its own can of worms,,

another part of this is my (more arbitrary/i know because im right forever/because i lived it) hc that the elder pines twins' parents didn't really love each other by the time they were raising stan and ford, it was more of a "we both pay the rent/keep the family going, we may not strictly like each other and yeah there's a screaming fight or two every few years, but divorce is off the table because it would leave us both financially up the creek, so you do what you gotta do" situation. which has the potential to do. things. to how you think about Traditional Ideas of Couples and Suchlike. take my word for it.

another important part, though i find myself getting technically off-topic for a ways here, my apologies- i've been thinking about ford's Patterns with his attachments, in that he generally has one Main Person to focus on and trust at a time, and for a most of his life these attachments end Badly- throughout his entire adolescence he has stanley as that person, they exist in constant contrast to each other, their own self-perceptions are defined by their existence as a duo, covering for each other's weaknesses (to the extent that they can ignore traits in themselves that "double up", so to speak- stanley is the dumb muscle and ford is the booksmart genius with potential- no way out of that)(their dad affects this too)(oof) he and stan have a really awful falling-out that leaves ford with the belief that his One Person was willing to sabotage his future, completely disregarding ford's own feelings or sense of security and agency, just to get his way. (strike 1.5? against ford's ability to trust people) --- in college he attached to his roommate, fiddleford- and they genuinely get along and compliment each other really well! they're besties for life! yippee! so ford has a Person again, to exist next to, to prop himself up. but their lives go in different directions- they both move on with their studies/careers, and ford winds up in gravity falls, alone, where he has trouble again interacting with the locals and spends all his time wandering the woods, with endless hours for introspection. --- enter- Bill! :) bill becomes ford's 3rd Person, and he flatters ford and manipulates him and validates him and offers him everything he could ever shallowly imagine would solve all his problems and patch up the gaping hole in his self-worth forever definitely (while reminding him of what he remembers/imagines of his brother most likely, ow) bill is also more "safe" than other people, he's an anomaly, a supernatural phenomenon, even, and he lives exclusively inside ford's head. he's a perfect, safe, obsession target. (billford situationship essay for another day)

until he's not, of course.

until his college bestie Person is back too, and he's more Real than bill in a way that's very comforting, but fidds is another strong influence, one for the better, and bill can't have that around, he has to go. after that his relationship with bill also turns sour extremely quickly in a terrifying way, which leaves ford shaken and unmoored and desperate, which leaves... stan.

which also falls apart. (strikes 2, 3 and 1.5-the-sequal in rapid succession)

the 30 years spent multiverse-hopping are interesting to me too in how they affected ford- i think being around so much "abnormality"/being disconnected from his own world's ideas of normal did a lot to mellow him out- but he still couldn't really stick around anywhere to form deeper bonds with anybody, he's a wanderer until bill is dead, which may well end up killing ford in the process, so...

then! he's back home! which is bad! (from his perspective) but gives him the opportunity to try to Attach to a 4th Person- dipper! this was a secret essay on why i think he's Like That about dipper all along not about romance at all haha trick'd'ya! (i'm joking)

anyway you get the idea- fortunately he has a slightly wider support net by the end of the show between stan, fiddleford, and the kids- but to me it's relevant in that ford has a very limited network of people who he is close to at all, considering that his view on romantic relationships seems to orbit around "don't wanna think about that/that's scary, I don't know/etc.", and that for a long time the relationships(platonic or otherwise) that he did have were defined by their ending in trauma, guilt, and shame. it makes sense to me for him to not really be able to figure himself out, how do you dissect all the layers of the bonds you do manage to form, tease out one strong emotion from another, especially when you're always afraid of ruining something because this is all you have?

I guess, given all that rambling, to me he lands within some combination of demi-aroace(attraction of any kind is rare and difficult to distinguish from other emotions, needs a strong base first) and too repressed and deeply, deeply traumatized to really say what comes naturally and what's his brain trying to protect him from being hurt. he knows that something is, by the standards of humanity, "wrong" with him, but it's just another note on a long list of "reasons normal people don't like him". and he's gay.

-----

ok i probably forgot some stuff but i think thats my thoughts on that lmao. anyway BOOK OF BILL this makes me. so crazy. hasnt left my brain for days. i will never be the same i called these shots i CALLED them. but i couldn't imagine. anyway-

while i'm still talking about ford, i love that this book let him be more emotionally vulnerable than j3 did, i feel like there was a harsher impression of ford among fans for a long time (at least, with people who weren't already Obsessed with him) because he has limited time in the actual show for his character to be established, and a lot of j3 either had him on the defensive, or still stuck in "everything ever is my fault" mode. getting a better view both of how bill manipulated him, and how he's still affected by it "postcanon" puts him way more in line with. how i've seen him all along basically!! augh. he's lonely and insecure and afraid and wants so, so badly to connect to people,, "the ego of a king. the insecurity of a circus freak." compare to "my immense self hatred vs my delusional god complex" we were so right.

his last section of the book is. so so perfect i'm so glad we have that- it wraps up what felt like a loose end with other pieces of canon leaving him on "i'm the biggest idiot in the world" which felt. bad. all things considered. but tbob lets him air out that soul-crushing shame in such a beautiful way- both in letting us the audience actually See how it was with him and bill before, and his family reassuring him that they love him and don't carry some massive sense of Blame for him being manipulated... it hurts good man. perfect place to end on. he's gonna be ok it'll be ok.

related- possession pages go crazy. like that is some "i've read fanfiction less fucked up than this" shit and I [the rest of this sentence redacted for my dignity] what was i saying. the dream scene was so viscerally upsetting. the "light switch". the stretching. (alex drop a link to your ao3 account. urgh) bill is so so so scary for that brief moment which is an amaaazing essential addition to the book that actually made me feel horrifically personally sorry for the little bastard for the first time maybe ever. i mean this so genuinely he's the worst he's been he's the saddest he's been it's a beautiful tapestry drawing me in. it's gonna occupy my brain for weeks. maybe months. he's desperate to hold on to ford he's desperate for his plans to work for once and he's pissed as hell but also now he has an excuse to cut loose- he doesn't have to hide his angry, shitty, abusive side from this little human that he's grown so attached to(who he sees himself in)- he can see ford and ford can see him (or, what he's willing to think of as "himself")(where did you all go-) and ford is just living a nightmare that he couldn't have possibly imagined. incredible

i'm practiced at being emo about ford i've been emo about ford since 2015 but the bill thing is new to me (not strictly the lore, i was around for the reddit AMAs/the axolotl poem, but the elaboration-) and it's killing me. he's so fucked. he's hopeless. he's fucked himself up so bad and refuses to get any better because just looking at it inside his head is too much. there's a loud buzzing in his ears and he blacks out for 30 seconds. everyone loved him he was the best baby ever. sixer, it would eat you alive. the doctor says three sips a day will make the visions go away. where did you all go. he's fine, he's fine, he's fine. it's all hitting me fresh like it's brand new, funy nightmare triangle abandonment issues go brrrr-

he wants ford to want him so bad he wants to not be alone so bad. hes awful he ruins every chance he gets and it's all genuinely his own fault. fuck (im not gonna talk about "pain is hilarious" im not gonna be cringe im not gonna do it) blacked-out list of exes love and fear are the same love cage you're my property if lost return to bill cipher covered in blood all alone in the universe-

I was gonna elaborate on those last scraps but. i am running out of brain. big week for ford enjoyers. big week for me being so so sad (/pos) ☀️

[sssammich]

this is for @sideguitars to read all of my kara-specific supergirl essays im not writing but do have random half-formed thoughts that i need to get out of my system or i'll never finish the rest of my work

in no particular order of importance but rather immediacy in my brain:

i've mentioned this before but kara should have retired the cape. should have made peace with her role as supergirl and should have kept her life as kara danvers, her most worn mask/identity. she should've come out as an alien, though. that would have been a poignant moment. that comes with its own host of other questions of identity. how much does she owe the people? how much of herself does she need to give to others? what would coming out as Alien mean to others. it's not about coming out as Supergirl, it's about coming out as Alien.

Speaking of coming out, what I will maintain and have mentioned in other posts is that kara coming out is not an allegory to coming out as queer, but to coming out as a member of a particular race (species). to simplify it, her identity reveal is a matter of racial identity and not of a gender or sexual identity. mostly because her current existence already participates in gender and/or sexual identities. as kara danvers, she lives as a heterosexual woman (and arguably cis because of the fact that she is living out her designated gender she was given on krypton and doesn't seem like she's questioning herself from that), dates men and otherwise fits in as a heterosexual woman. she's not hiding her crushes or her boyfriends or her interests. which is why what she's hiding is ethnic or racial by nature. she is an invisible minority, yes, but because she is read as an American White Woman.

her alienness is what sets kara apart from the world. nobody she doesn't want to know is privy to that fact. in that way then there are parallels to coming out as queer. kara never has to reveal this piece of information to anybody. HOWEVER, the moment she puts that cape on and bears the responsibility of what that entails, she has irrevocably made herself everybody else's business. at that point, it doesn't feel so unreasonable to think that people do have some level of right to know who she is. it's similar to celebrities in that it doesn't matter who they go on dates with, but it does matter to know if they're beating up their wives or committing arson. because it's not that she's revealing herself to be left-handed. she's revealing herself to have a gun. so i reckon it'd be akin to knowing if someone around you is carrying a gun, legally or otherwise? (listen i KNOW conceal carry is a thing, but i think we can make the point here that supergirl is actually Open Carry??? -- listen it's not perfect, there's nuance involved. im just saying.) supergirl is an alien with superpowers that can easily be turned into a WEAPON. red daughter is the literal instance of that. so it would be more interesting to me had the show been able to tackle what it means for a refugee to wield a gun, so to speak?

all that to say that yes, actually, i do think kara doesn't owe anybody her identity. but the moment she became a PUBLIC vigilante who makes herself responsible for the wellbeing and safety of others, then something has to give. the 1:1 analogies for this will never be perfect because the IMPLICATIONS, but hopefully it makes some sense

SWERVING but lex and kara are actually quite alike with one another. they are both big personalities, impressive, they have all eyes on them, and especially with regards to their siblings, they are prioritized by those around them. the eliza/lillian alex/lena and lex/kara parallels are so interesting even if it doesn't seem like it at a glance. eliza (and jeremiah) and lillian prioritizes one child over the other for different reasons. one is preferential treatment and the other is a means to acclimatize but either way, there were (un)intended consequences to the shadowed sibling. the sibligns who happen to mold themselves to the larger wants and needs required of the other sibling. lena molds herself to follow the luthor legacy, established and reinforced by the path that lex has taken. for whatever way lionel exists, the reality is that lillian's treatment of lex and lex's consequent upbringing is what influences, if not outright dictates, lena's upbringing and latent complexes. alex molds herself to Be The Sister that Kara Needs Above All Else, to be her protector and guide and every which else. both siblings sacrifice parts of themselves to yield to their sibling.

i personally would have enjoyed a Blow Up the Plot moment where lena discovers the bunker and consequently discovers kara as supergirl. it's even more interesting to consider it in the landscape of having red daughter. who is real, who is not? this is not exactly the most original of thoughts. certainly better fics have tackled this in a much more riveting way, but i do wonder what it would mean at the peak of betrayals and liars among lena's midst for kara to follow through with the most painful of them all. but in context of the others, what would it mean? how would it mean to her knowing that, at least, it's kara who revealed herself and not someone else. what would red daughter's presence mean for lena? she is not kara, but she is kara. could she have known kara as kara zorel from the beginning? or did it need to end up this way? she knows red daughter? god we'll never know obviously

one last fleeting thought before i finish up the day: spiderman already embodied it pretty well that with great powers come great responsibility. i'd love to see a take on kara that has her truly feeling her powers as a burden. despite the good that she does and the justice she helps bring and the safety that she provides, the powers that she has that aren't obtained or gained or earned (but solely exist for free, for better or worse), the powers are a burden. they come with so much. yes there's the burden of making sure she doesn't accidentally sneeze and hurt someone or to be careful when hugging or anything of that sort. i'm talking about the damage she wrings when she goes out there as supergirl, every time. they hate supergirl and all that she stands for etc etc, but what is powering supergirl? her alienness. attached to her name and her existence is the property damage, the collateral lives, the vengeful enemies (human or otherwise). what is the toll on her own spirit and psyche as a religious alien refugee, the last daughter of her planet, to know that there is such a great cost to her existence just by being herself. there are supporters, sure, and there are naysayers as well, obviously. but if we're to follow through with the racial lens of reading kara, the superpowered alien who has been displaced from her home planet, then what does it mean to know that your existence can and does bring about so much chaos because of your desire to help. (to be clear, aliens with powers are not inherently evil or bad, and that's not what i'm saying. what i am saying is that it matters to think about how someone can be deemed as such and what does it mean when it's someone who is in the invisible minority but still, a minority.)

anyway lots of things i'm thinking about so who knows how this will manifest in my stories but wouldn't that be fun lmao all i know is that thinking about kara is making me obsessed i wanna write about her in like ten fics right now smh

[kaisacobra]

Thank you for saying that it really means a lot, I actually used to write fan-fiction a couple years back and I’ve recently tried to start again but I’m very critical of what I write and how I write it so I’m incapable of producing a single chapter.

Keep it mysterious, I’ll be eagerly awaiting whatever you gift us ✨

Now that you mention it, yes I completely understand what you mean about R not being able to be extremely cold to Tara. R seems like the type of person who’d be hurt and disappointed, someone who wouldn’t necessarily be cold to Tara but would definitely hide from her. For R I’d imagine it’d be an internal battle of what she wants versus what she deserves, we already get a feel for that in the first chapter but it was easier for her to choose what she wants- which is to provide whatever comfort and happiness Tara wants because she loves her so much over what she deserves- someone who cares about her in a consistent manner and not only when it’s convenient (boo Tara😡). After Tara’s outburst I think R would have to force herself in every way possible to really process that she can’t put Tara’s needs above her own anymore, as much as she loves Tara doing that would reinforce the notion that everything Tara said is true. We know she always runs back but now that’s she’s been ridiculed for it she can’t.

The way she’s always there for Tara makes me wonder about her background. Maybe this is TMI, but I personally have experienced many relationships like this in the past. My father abandoned my sister and I at a very young age, so part of the reason I would always be there for them and never left first even when I should’ve but wouldn’t- was because I never wanted them to feel as unloved and unworthy as I did when my father left me. By the time I was a teenager I’d already forgiven him for all the abuse my family endured because of him, in my heart nobody could ever hurt me the way he hurt me- so I’d forgive them even though the people around me would expressively tell me not to, you know? But im older now and I stand my ground, i can leave when if its what’s best for me and not get too caught up in what’s best for them.

I’m from California by the way! It’s 10:30PM right now, you’re from Brazil though? That’s so cool! Did you grow up there? My parents were born in Mexico but they moved to USA in the late 1980’s, I wanna move to Mexico and live there for a couple years because my mother loves and talks about her hometown so much, the idea of seeing where she grew up in person and picturing her as a little girl warms my heart.

- ☘️ (I’m gonna use this as my anon tag from now on)

I feel like everyone is gonna be critical when it comes to their own stuff, like, I'm not kidding when I said i thought second best wasn't that good, specially because I used to be an essay tutor/monitor at school and my writing had to be more than perfect. Just remember that usually you're gonna be more critical of your work than other people and it doesn't mean that what you write is actually bad.

I'm so sorry that happened to you and I'm glad that you can stand your ground now!💪 I know this will sound oddly ironic but all the background information I have on R is about... Tara. In my head, R is divided by past (beginning of friendship, woodsboro), present (the current mess) and future (what's gonna happen) so, in a way, maybe her life is all about Tara😔

I don't think R's family are gonna make an appearance so I'll leave it up for you guys to hc whatever you want as R's reason for being so attached to Tara.

California seems so nice! And yeah, i grew up here and i wouldn't have it any other way🤭 Maybe this happens to everyone in their own home country but i just love my culture and history so much, I can't imagine living anywhere else.

Mexico sounds super cool! I've been wanting to go there, specially in 2026 because of the world cup (really wanted to see it live) but i dont think it's gonna happen😔 Either way it's a beautiful country i wanna visit someday and i definitely have to start improving my spanish.

[winderlylandchime]

3/3 ‘This hurts, this is really fucke- that’s a really nice shirt, do you think i could find something like that, i think id look good in it. Anyway *waves his hands at Brian* PAINFUL’ he is now bouncing up and down and standing with his hands clasped waiting for Mikey to get punched ‘cmon!! Who cares about some fucking forks?! SHOW ME WHAT IVE BEEN WANTING TO SEE SINCE THE PILOT! Whats gonna get him punched tho? I forgot what I thought earlier..OH the stay away. Oh Brian doesn’t look happy about that. *another pause while he towers over me with hands on waist and pointing at Brian*okay BUT remember when he told Justin in season 1 to fuck off out of his life or some shit like that and now he’s all ‘why would you tell him that?’ GROWTH! LOVE! CARE! *looks at Brian* my man! Now let’s get to punching! Okay, he did do SOMETHING..he cheated.. can Justin hear him? Is the selfish lil shit gonna get him punched? Cause if so…i wouldve gotten my ass handed to me by now, HE DIDNT USE BRIAN! brian is mad! Yes Michael be quiet! *huge gasp* HE SAID WHAT NOW?! *arms in the air* HELL YEAHHH PUNCHED IN COLOR!!! BUT HOLD UP *pauses just as mikey gets hit* haha nice. HE SAID WHAT?! HE FUCKING SAID WHAT?!?! He did not just say that he should’ve died?! He deserves to get kicked too! PLEASE TELL ME EVERYONE HEARD HIM! Oh of course nobody heard him. ANIMAL?! ANIMAL?! YOUR KID JUST WISHED DEATH ON SUNSHINE! OH BEN YOU BETTER NOT! HE JUST WISHED DEATH ON SOMEONE! PUNCH HIS BORING ASS TOO! OH FUCK YOU LINDSAY! FUCK YOU TOO MEL! ITS MICHAEL WHO SHOULD LEAVE! DID DEBBIE JUST SAY ASSHOLE? WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS SHIT?! JUSTIN PLEASE TELL ME YOU HEARD HIM!’ He paused the tv and with his arms opened wide went ‘am i the fucking only one who heard him say that?! HOW did nobody else hear it? *looks at me* please tell me everyone finds out what happened! Cause this shit is fucked up, i cant even appreciate the punch anymore cause I’m mad at everyone’ ‘NO BRIAN! Why are you here? You better not apologize! He needs to apologize! Oh boo fucking hoo little mikey is playing the victim again. YOU DESERVED TO GET HIT YOU LIL BITCH! Tell him Brian! Okay nevermind he knows he deserved it, EVEN MICHAEL KNOWS YOURE IN LOVE! So you didn’t believe in love when you met him, but you do now because now you know him. *looks at me* like how I didn’t believe in santa until i saw him at the mall…but then mom couldn’t explain why he was always different races so i guess that’s different. Makes sense to me tho *plays ep* HE WANTS THEM TO MAKE UP?! For the comic?!?! I AM…..i am having a lot of thoughts and feelings. HE HAS PLANS! THE LAST TIME HE SAID THAT TO MIKE JUSTIN WAS WAITING FOR HIM WITH THE DINNER!! REMEMBER?!?! Maybe Justin is waiting for him to talk to him about Mike!’ The hustler scene comes up *jumps up in the air* ‘AHHHHHHH!!!*pauses ep* I WAS FUCKING RIGHT!!! I CANT BELIEVE I WAS RIGHT! Not gonna lie, most of the time i just say shit and hope something sticks BUT I WAS ACTUALLY RIGHT! MY BLONDIE IS BACK!!! (The hustler is revealed) you’re not my blondie. What is this?! *hands over his mouth while he’s still standing* IS HE WHAT HES LOOKING FOR?! BRIAN LOOKED FOR A SEX WORKER THAT LOOKS LIKE JUSTIN?! (brian ignores the kiss) *literally has teary eyes and boy, do I wish this was a joke* he isn’t kissing him! He’s still following the rule! (brian plays with the guys hair) He misses him so much. Neither of us are okay with this storyline….how many condoms do you think he has..im surprised durex isn’t one of his account, he’d be perfect for their ads since they’re always funny anti kids ads. How many condoms do you think they went through while filming? hold up, I didn’t appreciate it enough *rewinds the fucking scene and once again has teary eyes while watching* it’s the music and Brian’s expression. I could literally write a short essay about Bri as a person at this point, that’s how well I know him! Oh this all hurt. I gotta go somewhere, literally anywhere just away from *points to tv*’ He is now outside talking to my neighbor and giving her a dramatic recap.

He wants Brian’s shirt? Aw!

GROWTH! LOVE! CARE! See!?! Yes! Brian grows over the course of the show! He cares! OMG. (Until it’s all erased in S5)

And here’s the heartache. Michael deserved to be punched and no one hears what he said so…again… everyone blames Brian. And Brian… apologizes. Because he would let himself get burned if it means everyone else is okay.

Ohhh the parallel “I have plans” yeah this time it’s a cheap imitation (cheap as in it’s not Justin, I’m sure the escort was not cheap)/

Teary eyes about Brian not kissing the Justin look-alike escort? And noting the playing with the hair? Could he be anymore in the fandom?!? Nope.

“I could literally write a short essay about Bri as a person at this point” ANON YOUR BROTHER IS A HALF STEP AWAY FROM WRITING FANFIC.

Your poor neighbor…

[baelmoder]

it really is a godsend that nobody is here

i've always felt like i lived in a shadow, maybe of some building that nobody else could really see, despite all of them living within it. now i think that building is god, but it is a dead and uncaring god, or it is asleep, and i dont want to awaken it. everything is sunlight, and god is the sun, and sunlight burns me because i am unfit for it. who knows what kind of unholy bullshit is going to come out of that building when i tickle its belly the residents already hate me lets shelf that for a second lol

i left twitter, let's say, more than two years ago. i was on it for a few years? and before that i was basically never actually on social media. there were a few moments where i /tried/ to enter some community or another? like i joined a souncloud mashup server once (the atrium), and i briefly entered a discord for an anime essay channel, but i left and i got kicked out because i was saying ass backwards reactionary logic shit. so the biggest thing i ever did was Be Kae Dotmoe, and what that meant was, plunging blindly into anitwitter, orbiting around the plasuible deniability right wing podcaster losers like Polyphemus, until I found kayfaraday, resident extremely weird christian chiptune artist who at least creatively had the same affect as me, of the sort of nonsensical schizophrenia on which postmodernist ficiton thrives and upon which fascism subsists. nazism, like, relies on genocide to build the pyramids, and relies on people like me to put aliens in its thrusters.

and then i met good people. i met a bunch of lesbian lolicons is the insulting thing to call them. i like women, and i am a girl, and i hate the world of adults so id like to think we were cut from the same cloth? but maybe because i still have something i havent gotten diagnosed, which i doubt because ive met therians, ive met littles, ive met people with adhd and bpd and clinical schizophrenia, people who are plural and shit. but i havent met people like me. they couldnt put up with it. i hurt them a lot. so i had to leave. also i got bored of the nazis when they started being predictable, and also, like, obviously evil and wanting me dead i guess but who doesnt right.

So i left, not for Drama and not for Discourse, but because, like much of my life, i felt like i wasnt welcome and i wasnt making much of it. also? I just couldnt handle it anymore. i grew incredibly jealous, it made me feel physically sick to see people happy. to be themselves, to be with the people they loved. to do things that expressed this happiness about themselves and others, and the things they shared. i lived more than an ocean away. it felt like i never had a chance, and that feeling overwhelmed me. i've always been living under the ocean, but i guess the submarine depressurised? i dont know. im still alive anyway, im here, but its so quiet now. anyway, i was also getting really paranoid, on one hand nobody talked about me so i was going to die alone and never get to be kae, on the other hand the few people who did were surely badmouthing me in places i wasnt invited to. they let me hang around but i was never invited to the parties. i know of this metaphor because i read it in american stories about school children and stuff. i dont relate to it personally because when i was in school i didnt even "get to hand around". the only two people i talked to was a kid with aspergers and a furry. we talked about ytp and mlp. well, the point is, they dont talk to me anymore anyway. i randomly came out to a schoolmate i knew from back then? i helped her out a few times? I printed her musical score, she was in chinese orchestra. i asked for a favour in return, that being a hug. i didnt love her or anything, i just really needed it? and in all that time twitter is basically over anyway. tumblrs still alive, but like. im not Doing A Thing. Im never going to Do A Thing again. im "over it".

i guess what im really getting to, though, is, im trying to figure out what I /Am/ or what Im /For/. like, what is this machine or tool or toy built for. Me and keffie clicked, we hella schizoposted? I wasnt putting it on. i know the nazis are completely disingenous but theres a trace of genuine fun behind all the larping, costumes is fun. but i wasnt even slightly cynical, i was really just.. fully sincerely and desperately myself, all the time. i cant help but be myself, even if myself never works. so like Im SOMETHING, that nervous energy and constant bullshit and rambling sentences and trying to link concepts. and yea? I figured out im a girl? Im like, another one of the million trans girls with a mommy kink who identifies with being a puppy but who still likes cock or whatever. im not denying that im not special, i dont hate to be one of many. but also im a failure, even around these people. i cant live up to them, even if theyre nothing to honour. they hate me, because im marked by something i cant even see. So like, what is that

Why, even when i found an ensemble cast, do i never succeed in contributing to the narrative? to canon or episodic structure? Im like an npc, im a wandering trader,the comic relief, except not very well liked anyway. im like if the doctor told me to see the master clown pagliacci but i was jared leto. i dont fit here. i didnt feel right, when i was in the army. i dont feel right when im working right now, in a medical lab. i couldnt fit in with the girls even when they were closer to me than any other group of people i could classify.

so, really, i think im starting to get sympathetic to machines, to ai. i briefly edated a schizotypal adhd trans girl (lol hi vicky) and she was talking about like, uhhhh, D&G and like, machines. I didnt like Machine because machine + autism to me always sounded very teleological, very speicfically western philosophy and consequently Science as we know it, the modern material physical consensus reality thingamagic with dialectical monism. but im getting it now maybe

Im not built, for being around people, or relevant. I was born, to be put in a plastic box, in the middle of nowhere, with holes on all sides, where, among a nest of scaffolding structures, unlimited paper, plush toys and string, i develop weapons of mass destruction in magic systems that have never existed and will never come to exist. and every once in a while, id be let out, for a walk, or for a treat, and to remember long lost friends, who spin in axes i cannot comprehend in a magic system i cannot understand

[namjooningelsewhere]

Fic Recs❤

Since i love fic recs so much and I am literally hogging each one of them, I thought it would be fun to have one of my own, These are the ones that are my absolute favorites and I have literally lost count of the times I have been going back and re-reading them. This is just one part of it though and these are all series. I have a separate list for one-shot, I don't know if this is how a fic rec should look, ?But ive tried to keep it simple.💖❤🤞

Completed:

The Pact - By @alpacaparkaseok

This is the first ever fic that i had read on tumblr, It just popped on my feed and i am glad it did. Its really beautiful and to be honest THE MOST BEAUTIFUL DATES I HAVE READ OR HEARD ARE RIGHT HERE.

Organic - By @ppersonna

This ones a social media au, Its sassy, super fun since the start and there isn't a dull moment. I had almost died laughing at the OC and Jins chemisrty and the rest of them as well . My all time go to if i am feeling super dull.

Who's Your Daddy? By @ppersonna

This is another social media au and my goodness this is as silly as sweet and mind you as sexy as it gets. This is altogether another level. Everything is perfection amplified here❤❤

Inevitable By @ahundredtimesover

This one hit home. I read the first chapter and god damn i was hooked like nobody's business. This one is super super close to me, One because Mimi has literally done magic out here on this fic and i think I'm the person who has chewed her brains the most with my 10 pager essays about what i felt. And secondly it is something very personal to me, Literally i have read it 20 times so far. My Absolute fav.

Perfectly Wrong By @xpeachesncream

This is a one hell of a interesting fic, Its absolutely beautiful. The emotions are so pure, So real and so precise to be honest. Absolute surreal. This one definitely makes you crave for friendships like them.

Bands By @xpeachesncream

This is the sweetest love story i have read. It had kept me hooked from the start to the end. There are moments which will make you literally cry, have a fluff attack (I use this term when the fluff is extremely good, So good that makes you giddy with the sweetness in a good way.)

CSG By @sunshyngal

This ones from my favorite writer, This story is so beautiful yet so delicate. Shyn has a way of portraying emotions too well and mind it it can be felt. This is one hell of a love story, Intense as ever.

Muse By @lavishedinjimin

This one will sure leave you in awe of the way its written, Super intense and oh damn you will literally feel chills as thwe story progresses. Its an art masterpiece, And Tae!! Ahem❤🤷‍♀️ He is a a different level hot and intense.

Falling From Grace By @sunshyngal

This is an epic fic, The hate and friction is intense AF and hottest ever. Its sinful AF and one of the hottest ones ive read❤🙌

Ongoing:

I Hate You, I love You By @borathae

This is a roller coaster of a story, One of which i can write a million words to describe how amazing it is. Its one of the fics that makes me jump with joy when i receive a notification of update. Its one of my ongoing favs and also one of the fics that i actually have lost count of the times i have gone back and re-read till date. This is the first ever story that makes me want to fall in love once again, After having given up the idea of it a long time ago. Its a fluff attack as it progresses. The emotions are on full swing in this one.

Death Valley By @bangtangalicious

This is one hell of a Netflix worthy fic! Period. If anything, I even have a list of actors for the OT7 and OC as to who can play who!😉🤷‍♀️

It will fucking keep you on the edge with suspense and it will blow your mind, head and whatever is left in you to bits!! I have literally never built theories or literally never spent connecting dots as i did for this one. Im not giving out spoilers, But this one right here had my heart beat racing every time there is a update. Mind-blowing is the proper word for it though.

Cyberslut By @kimnjss

Yoongi is another level in this, One of my fav social media au's. Its got everything, Mind-blowing and amazing. No matter how many time I've read it, still feels new like I'm reading it for the first time.

Silk and Lace By @sunshyngal

This is the epitome of perfection. I have never seen such characters. Intense is the least of it. Something about Shyn is she writes such female characters that are so head strong and courageous. You cant help but fall in love with them. Its an equal here, A story of two equals in their own ways.

Sadness of things By @sunshyngal

This is one i wait for updates like nobody's business yet i have no words to describe it. This story is something else, Actually something else. So many emotions are so perfectly written, its a memorable one. Its beautiful. Truly! Another example of a strong female character.

Abundance By @angelicyoongie

This fic is abundance of everything, Its as real as it gets. Its like built from ground up and it is nothing less than perfection. A perfect hybrid au.❤❤ If OT7 is your thing, You will definitely fall in love with this one.

I'm Not Yours By @hantaev

This is still starting, But i fell in love with the first teaser and hooked with second teaser and whipped with the First Chapter, No kidding its a beautiful story, with even beautifully written.❤🤷‍♀️

Maybe I Do By @chateautae

This is the first fic that I'm thankful for having long chapters. Every time i read it i just cant get enough. Its prefect example of how love has no definitions and you can even find love in the most unconventional ways. One of the sweetest love story I've come I've ever read. Maybe i just don't have enough words.

Incoming: Elite Chatboy By @kookingtae

This is so good that it should be illegal. One of the hottest ones ever. Chemistry, sass and sexual tension runs high in this one and keeps on edge. Interesting AF and hot AF!!!

Kanalia By @xjoonchildx

This is one hell of a fic, set in ancient backdrop! It intrigued me AF and then I couldn't stop myself from reading it again and again. The chemistry in here runs deep, one of the fics that I'm desperately waiting for the next update. It's going to be a masterpiece that I'm sure of!!

Lowkey By @xpeachesncream

I am eternally apologetic about not stumbling on this fic earlier, Thank heavens I did today. One of the most realistic ones yet most touching ones I've come across on tumblr❤❤❤❤

[yurtletheturtlehenderson]

Now that I read your fic, I wanna write my own story for hermione, but idk how. I feel like I can't do it, cuz English is not my first language. And even if I have the books and kinda good knowledge about the series, I can't seem to write.

How did you start?

My dear anon, please correct me if I'm wrong but are you saying you feel like you are having trouble writing/outlining in general, or that you feel as though it might not sound a certain way? (Sometimes I genuinely have a hard time reading/interpreting certain things so thats not on you, i just want to make sure im answering the right question.) I sincerely hope it's not the second though cause nobody ever needs to be a master at a certain language to do what they're passionate about! (I only speak English, it's all I'm fluent in and even I have a hard time communicating in my day to day life) Hell, learning more than one language is such a hard thing and anyone who speaks more than one just amazes me!! Every time I try to go back and pick up where I left off in high school with duolingo I get so frustrated and confused, my brain just does not want to learn--not easily, anyway. And this is just an 'in general proclamation' but fuck anyone who reads the awesome work you put out and decides to crap on it and/or you because it doesn't "fit their standards". And just fuck those kinds of people in general and I will personally fist fight anyone in an alley who says otherwise--I may not be strong, or agile but I'm scrappy!

As for the HP books and writing in general, I couldn't really give you an answer im afraid. As I've mentioned, I'm not continuing that series anymore. And I'm worried I'm not gonna be much help to you on that front. I can say though what helped me start my first ever series that made me start this account and that would be--to sum it up--spite! 😂 I had an idea, I actually had the motivation and the guts to see it through, so I took a chance. And now I've met so many incredible people and made such wonderful memories and grown as a writer as well. I did not expect to love writing so much (I had never written before, other than essays in school!) and yeah, looking back on the stuff from the beginning can be a bit embarrassing but I can tell you that you'll get the same answer if you ask just anybody else about their writing. Its what we're here for, to have fun, to nurture our abilities and see what becomes of it and the great thing is you're never alone. One thing for certain, is there is ALWAYS going to be at least one person out there who is looking for what YOU are writing. That's the best advice I can leave you with I suppose, hon: write what you love and the people will follow 💞

💕💕💕 - Yurtle

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

to the anon that sent me an essay, this is for you

to everyone else, idk what this is

from anon:

here are a few things ive thought of to an obsessive level but these are completely non-bts related so u can choose to skip it. hell, you knew u that already.

1. before becoming parents or after emerging into adulthood everyone should be sent to therapy. sometimes i question if it is to fill the gaps their childhood has blown wide open that adults have children. or is it to fulfill some moral responsibility they have to simply reproduce. if its the first, to think about it, is kind of fucked up. you are depriving your child a stable future, creating replicas of exactly what you suffered, if u are not stable yourself.

You know, probably. People have kids for a number of reasons, not all if them good. I am a product of such a cycle, generations that used physical and emotional punishment on their own children to lash out their frustrations in life. The easiest one to bully is the offspring you made, because they don't know any better. They think that's how life is, because that's how life always was. I suffer for it, all the time. But, you know, therapy does nothing if you don't want it. You have to be willing to listen to be helped.

Most people are not willing to listen or change. That's the big problem.

2. its sad how the whole ' one in a million ' concept is staring at me. haruki murakami said mediocrity is constant. that thought haunts me everyday becuase of how many people are just a sea of faceless creatures as the world decides which one is the outlier. its the scariest thing i have ever felt, but it is inevitable. mediocrity should be normalized. there is an exorbitant amount of pressure in youth to produce and create and every other teenager is doing mun and every other adult is in the medical field, but at the cost of what? sure, you just saved the world, but did you save yourself?

Everyone is in outlier which makes nobody special. Society has slowly but surely created the idea that people need to be better than others, the idea that "better" must exist. To want more. And why is that?

Money.

Why is everyone pressured to make a product? To monetize their hobbies? To "do work you love"? Why is this the ideal? Because someone wants to profit from you. Someone is always greeding for more, more, so they make you feel this need as well, feeding off your futile attempts to be the "prefect you" but the perfect you doesn't exist. Why is it that every outlier put on a pedestal feels disillusioned / pressured or greedy / selfish? Because you've been tricked, feeling sad and deflated that you can't achieve something that isn't real.

3. middle class. im part of it. we're probably the most entitled section of society there is. it is so amusing to me how we have basically everything we need to survive but always want more. its weird how the poorer sections dont have time to think about their lives at the stake of capitalist countries, while we're here thinking about everything in our day that has harmed us, complaining about shit that isnt even required to survive. my mind is bursting because im literally fucking typing / this / because i have the privilege to and im STILL . doing . it .

Entitled? Everyone feels entitled. Not just middle class. You think rich people don't want more? Pfft. Everyone wants more, simply because that's what were trained to think. Everything around us is always asking you to want more, tying your worth to what you have instead of what you are. Your worth equating to material possessions has been taught to you all your life from the media, all for the sake of profit. The worst is when they turn your own morals and ethics on you to monetize that as well.

4. i hope i dont forget everything that has ever happened to me. not because i'd want to hold it over peoples head. but because i really dont want to grow ignorant. i dont want to have hollow opinions and i dont want to live a life where its easy to be just as. i dont want to be in a herd of sheep.

You will forget. Neurons die all the time. It's a known fact memories get disorganized, remade, and blended with fantasy. You are organic, an imperfect machine. Even your memories are imperfect, only focusing on specific things and not the whole picture because human brains focus on what's important and not what is. This is a survival tactic and it's what causes you to polarize one way or another. Even you, telling me this right now, you are declaring "I want things to only be this way".

But, you know.

"Polarization is the ugliest flower in the world."

Your past and memory is not the only thing that shapes opinions. Agreeing with others is not being a sheep. Are you a sheep because you agree killing an innocent as a police officer is not okay? Sometimes ignorance is okay. You don't have to know everything. Sometimes it's better not to.

5. im really jealous of bts sometimes. its fucking insane. theyre so successful but they have and continue to endure so much shit from the world. passion. passion is the word i want to chop up and throw into a blender and smother in a fire. they have it. and i dont. they are so hardworking. its something ill never be.

They don't have to do anything. They can quit at any time. They choose not to for many reasons. You choose how much you can take and how much is too much. You chose who you are. There are many hardworking, passionate people you don't know, because they don't want to be known. Passion, hard work, these things exist in many forms, and not all of it is so exposed like it is with BTS.

And let's face it, not all of those things can be good. They said so themselves.

6. i think we should really stop saying 'well if u were in their place what would u have done'. we cant do what we havent been given the chance to experience. we cant think about what we wouldve done because we have lived our lives NOT doing it. i am living my life only one which way and there is no other way i can know yet.

We say this to help others realize that prespective is importamt. It is not about actually living it, but having the empathy to understand and see from another person's eyes. No one is asking you to be Dr. Strange and live all 5 million possibilities. You can think someone's actions / words are wrong but, in that moment, they didn't think that, either because they grew up a certain way or because certain things happened to them. You don't have to live the experience to have some level of understanding, even if imperfect.

im sorry for this brain dump , i dont really have anyone else im willing to talk to and i completly understand if u skip this. hope ur fine tho and taking care. love ur works !

I'm an INTJ. My brain never turns off. It's a curse. But thank you for enjoying my writing! Hope you liked this too LOL

[tragicomedys]

uhmmm gentan

WEOWOEOOOWOOIIEOIFPOPLP

>:) . i love gentan a lot. now im not gonna be able to give a sexy ass nuanced essay like my fellow mutuals do about their pairings but listen . i just think theyre great. i think they complement each other i think they could potentially have been rlly fucking good i think they couldve really been essential figures to the other’s development. notice the word COULDVE because yeah i admit a lot of the pairings i like come from my own perception on how they couldve developed bc like admittedly genya had way more potential and tanjirou as great and fun as he is he literally just stays static thru out the whole manga. except for a couple of small moments. but like other than that hes mr perfect BUT ANYWAY

i think for genyas part its kinda obvious. tanjirou helped him Tremendously through his relationship with his brother & overall was pretty protective over genya n shit. i think tanjirou helps/would help genya gain more confidence overall, especially thinking back to his last moments where he thought of tanjirou and his words to gain, like, the confidence and strength to go through with the mission even tho he was doubting himself. in that way, tanjirou sorta completes genya, like he reminds genya to be kinder to himself and be more confident in himself and etc etc. pretty common tanjirou behavior.

for tanjirous part... their backstories are similar in how they both experienced the deaths of their entire family (in contrast to zenitsu and inosuke, and kinda kanao because her original family’s deaths arent expanded on), but the way each of them took it provided like a backdrop to their characterizations. i know tanjirous own experience with coping and grieving isnt expanded on too much, considering how its shown that he sorta “accepted” the death of his family from the beginning (thinking back to the scene where he held that guys hand & smiled, and even if that wasnt necessarily acceptance we dont REALLY see tanjirou process his past trauma in depth ig), but i think tanjirou in general is someone that would be closed off abt his own grief and pain cuz hes the “older brother” and would naturally hide away anything he thinks would worry and upset others. i mean we already see that in how he didnt tell that little nurse butterfly girl that he had a fever for his sun breathing (self-sacrifical too) and how he was basically kinda like. not expecting to be alive by the time nezuko would become human/theyd defeat muzan (essentially accepted dying when his face got FUCKED up until zenitsu said ur not dead yet buddy; overall he doesnt accept other ppls help easily as he noted how if he were the demon in their situation nobody would help him (i forgot what manga ch that was but he said smth like that) amongst other situations). theres also one of the first demons he fought where he was talking about how as the oldest brother he needs to endure more stuff and pain and whatever whatever u know. so what the fuck im getting at by the end of all of this is that i just think as genya could develop into being more confident n sortaaaa pushy (i feel like hes naturally pushy with basically anybody except his brother and tanjirou LMFAO) and could like, help tanjirou express his feelings in its entirety more freely yknow, like both the good and the bad. like i mentioned with why im not really into inotan / zentan (like that i feel like tanjirou would always feel the need to look over them n honestly can u blame him ? theyre Crazy) but i like gentan bc i feel like they could naturally become more equal in a sense when it comes to how they balance each other out. genya could've possibly been a character to help tanjirou through his own grief that he’s internalizing and couldve been someone tanjirou could relax around and not feel the need to look over... IFFFFF AND ONLY IF his character was expanded on/didnt die that quickly n early or whatever.

I think that kinda dynamic would also work out bc of how genya couldve possibly been feeling towards his brother growing up, just watching him from a distance and wanting to help him but not being able to do anything. and his guilt when he accused sanemi would just be insurmountable. so what im getting at is that i feel like genya wouldnt want that to happen, like, again, and thats why i think he’d actually take action when he grew to be more of a risk-taker and would try 2 actually make tanjirou open up yknow. bc again tanjirou upholding his “oldest bro” title wouldve taken a toll on him if u ask me. that whole vision of himself would logically lead to a lot of bottling up of emotions. i know genya tried making that right and tried helping his bro by like, becoming a demon slayer, but again i just can see genya and tanjirou having that sorta relationship.

ANYWAY. again i do acknowledge that like, for the most part ive probably filled up parts of their personalities bc i think the both of them had more potential/couldve been developed more like i just view it sorta as a flaw how static tanjirou is and how short genya’s time was. it’s definitely possible and likely that i interpreted some scenes in a very diff way compared to others, and i mightve interpreted their characterizations differently than watever other people. but like in my big dumbo brain theyre gay theyre fun they would love eahc other 2 death they would have a lotta fun together and BLAH BLAH ! but besides the “analysis” i jusyt gave on them i just thikn theyd be awesome. mr “i thought he’d talk to me since we were both in the nude” tanjirou kamado. the way genya and tanjirou have blushed @ each other many times WOUGJOUIHJ. the way they give each other strenght . the way genya protected him in battle and thought of him during his last moments . the way tanjirou is easily impressed (u remember when he was like WOAH SO COOL about mitsuri n stuff and genya was just like ... :| ) so i just think its funny if tanjirou thought genya was cool like . .it’s genya LFMREI9WODJFSLK. i know every other person tanjirous age is like in love with him but whatevrr tanjirou would crush on my homeboy genya 🙄 . iwas gonna say something else but i totally just forgot

in conclusion they should kiss just cuz i said so or what ever idk 

[cirilee]

i just found a text my browser had saved on a word count website, and i apparently typed it last november while being sad - i just wanna have a place to post it, and it explains why i was gone for most of may through november last year.

if you’re interested, u can read, it’s basically just a long long long vent and i wanna save it somewhere :’)

(and if you wanna, you can tell me what u think of the whole thing, maybe share if something like that happened to you too, because man, this whole thing was WEIRD for me)

bottom line is: i’m much better now and have way better friends then back then and in general, i’m a pretty happy person again^^

My parents and me had been fighting a lot the past years. I still love them. For a while though, it was just shouting matches between us. We weren't really speaking to each other throughout january 2019 until april 2019, so i wasn't informed by them that they were planning to mOVE OUT. And the place they wanted to move to only had enough space for 2 people. now my brother and me had 3 months total to find and finance our own flats. i was desperate. 2 months i unsuccessfully searched for a job or a flat or a way to make a deposit for said flat, without any saved up money. an old school friend offered to move out together. i only saw him once every month for group activities. he was nice, but we also had a bit of a history. 3 years ago he had acted kinda scummy and tried to get me to be his girlfriend because "he couldnt find anybody else” - ending in a "movie night with friends" that turned out to be a trap, where the only one spending the night was me because he only invited me. creepy. he apologized and i forgave him and we were chill and it was normal between us. i realize now, that i should have just left him out of my life at that point. but time was running out, so i gave in and asked myself "whats the worst he could do. i’ve known this person for 12 years and the he's part of my friend group" we set up basic rules, how we would pay for stuff, etc. .. we moved in. it seemed fine. then i noticed that he talked A LOT. and he wanted A LOT of attention. after a day of working on my diploma or working at my job, he would assert himself in my room and try to engage in smalltalk. i am not the hermit type. i engaged with him, i joined in on his conversation. but when i was already tired he wouldn't accept "i'm gonna go to sleep". there was always something else he needed to talk about. I was trying to make clear to him that i needed alone time too, but no matter how honest i was, the message either didn't seem to stick, or he'd get upset and start asking me if i hated him. With that, i could have kept up with in the long run. Then he started knocking on my door. even when it was already late and i already told him i was gonna go to sleep. Repeatedly knocking on my door. At some point he just opened the door. It was 1am. I pretended to sleep. I could hear him breathing, it sounded angry. He eventually closed the door. The next morning i confronted him. He argued it away as him trying to warn me that he was going to take a shower, so that i wouldn't use the bathroom. He started commenting on how i wasn't funny enough around him. in that friend group, i'm the funny one :c. but i cant keep up that energy 24/7 (this was supposed to be a home, not a free neverending standup act, for this one guy). that confused him. the next day he asked me if i had depression. My parents had given me a griller/toaster as a parting gift (there’s a backstory for that too but anyways) my flatmate ALSO had that same toaster. He demanded we make up our minds which one to keep. i didn't understand why this was important to him and i hated discussing this useless topic with him so i stored the toaster in my room. He repeatedly suggested i throw mine away (?). One evening i got hungry and decided i'd make myself a toast in my room. So i made some toast. Suddenly he bursts in. And he starts ranting. "why are you doing this are you CRAZY you cant TOAST in your own room thats DANGEROUS you're gonna start a fire, don't ever do that again, we have a KITCHEN for that. why don't you want to use the kitchen you cant just HIDE from me every day, this is OUR flat  and i want us to live TOGETHER!" He didn't stop talking and it overwhelmed me, so (this is embarrassing, but) i actually started crying and i turned away from him so i could try to control myself. and he just started babytalking me "awww its alright i didn't mean to scare you, but you see, you shouldn't have done that". he tried putting his arms around me, i told him to stop. "you need a hug right now" ...... i was so angry i think my brain might have short circuited because the next hour was me just acting the whole way through. i told him everything he wanted to hear. i was so sorry for almost burning the house down and made up some explanation that my parents were still making me sad, so i needed distance. The next big thing involved one of my best friends. she wanted to spontaneously go out for an evening. so i put on some pants and of course: HE appears in my room, asking where i'm going. i was surprised by the question and just answered "going out with Lina" he left it at that. then suddenly: "can i come too?" He threw me off with that question. Lina had said she needed some advice on personal stuff, so I said "no" because i didn't have a better answer. he got ANGRY. i explained. "Lina wants some privacy, i'm sorry" He starts arguing that Lina is just as much his best friend, and that he should be allowed to hear what she wants to say to me. Before i can reply he slams his door shut. "Don't even try to explain yourself", he says. I told my friend while meeting up with her and she began with the sympathetic "you should have said yes" and we argued about it and then she came out with this absolutely horrifying sentence: "you know how he is. you cant be *too* honest with him. he's sensitive. you need to lie to him so he doesn't get mad" it was as if i'd been splashed with cold water. i said i didn't agree with that. that that was actually unfair to HIM. nobody likes being lied to and treated less than. she called him, told him i was gonna apologize and he showed up with the angriest expression i ever saw in his face. he accused me of being depressed and that he now has the burden of my mental issues to bear. This he assumed because one night i told him about me dissassociating sometimes a few years ago. Then he wanted me to promise i would never leave him, because he's afraid i won't be able to pay my part of the rent. the crowning moment was my friend Lina mostly agreeing with him and both of them berating me for not having my life together because i still hadn't managed to find an open-ended contract job, only limited-time jobs. at the end he justified himself by saying he cant stand my parents phoning me. (at that point they had started calling me everyday and showed genuine concern ... i was trying to reform a bond with them) - apparently he resented that. he knew about my parents disciplining me with face slaps as a kid (when i was 9-11 yrs old) (they feel bad about it, and they they stopped doing it fairly early) in that moment my flatmate chose to tell me ..... (hoo boy i need to get ready to type this) .... "i'm concerned about you. if your father would ever beat you, i would beat him  to a bloody pulp" then he repeated "i would beat him/kill him" a few times, VERY agitatedly. it was scary and at that point i was numb. i didn't really respond, i just said "its fine" or something to that extent. the  thing that made me decide to move out (although certainly among many that followed that night) was this: one morning i informed him i was going to visit my parents that weekend. we had started talking again (as i mentioned before and i wanted to meet them without fighting for once). he says "but you're coming back, right". i say "of course don't be so nervous". i go to work. i get a LOT OF texts from him suddenly. i skim through it. he's mad about me calling him "nervous". i don't reply/read bc i am at work. Then he actually CALLS me. i don't pick up.  now i'm thinking: What is so  important, that he has to call me during work.  there's a 4 paragraph essay in my inbox. "watch your mouth", "you have no right to speak that way to me", "you should have more respect". he was mad i called him nervous. i responded that i don't have time to reply. he argued back. at one point i said "if i cant even call you nervous then i'm ACTUALLY gonna stay with my parents" he fiNALLY didn't reply to that. after a 10hour day i come home. i wanna shower. i go to my room, close the door and start undressing myself. of course, there's knocking on my door. i say "No" he flips out. i calmly tell him i'm only half dressed. he flips out even more, says i'm a horrible person who WANTS to fight because my "no" wasn't a good enough answer and i should have explained in full detail why he couldn't get in. he was actually SERIOUS. this was his reasoning for flipping out. he goes away. not even a minute passes by and he hammers his fist against my door again. "OPEN UP THIS TIME I *HAVE* TO COME IN" at this point i'm beginning to get kinda scared  so i say "come in" He comes in and says he needs me to disconnect with the wifi because he needs it for his work. i calmly say "ok" and disconnect my wifi. he goes away, leaves the door open. i stand up to go and close my door. HE ACTUALLY GOES AND PULLS AGAINST ME TO TRY TO PRY IT OPEN AGAIN. eventually he lets go and then he flips out FOR REAL. he starts screaming about how i'm a psycho, and that im crazy and awful and he has been nothing but nice and that he "saved" me and i haven't been thankful enough.

.... ..

yes, i was in a difficult position. but that flatmate arrangement was made on even ground. he had wanted to move out from his parents for years. i fled and left. called my parents, but they were miles away and laughed it off. i would have probably too. i called my friends. Lina offered to come and mediate. He continued screaming even with Lina there. It culminated with him roaring at me, pointing at the door saying "if you don't like how i treat you, there's the door, leave right now" with lina replying "don't say that, you NEED her money to pay rent!" it was awful, and an eye-opener. the next day, on the way to work, i decided i was gonna move out. and before i could tell him, i get a message from him (!). An ultimatum. he tells me i have 3 options. 1) leave immediately and take my stuff away within a week. i wouldn't have "pay any more than i've already payed" (it was the first day of that month and i had already payed my rent. nice) 2) stay for half a year, but immediately pay him something so that he knows i'll stay 3) stay indefinitely, but set up a " bevahiour contract" with him, so this "never happens again" i told him i'd take option 1 and then i stayed over at a friends house. then at a friends shared appartement. then at dormitary and soon i'm gonna move in with my younger brother. we've been estranged a bit but grown closer through this whole thing. now Lina and him are still friends and lina blames me for "everyone in our friend group" being mad at him. one of her first concerns, was that her birthday parties are gonna be weird now. i am completely done with her as well and don't want her in my life anymore. according to her, I left him with a rent he cant pay  and i should feel bad for that. except i dont. should i though?

[regesc]

@humanmoxie​   :    lunanoct (but our lunanoct in particular :pleading_face:)

NOTP | meh | it’s ok | i can live with it | BROTP | cute | i love this ship | adorable | OTP

listen to me. listen to me. its pride month. so im allowed to be unabashedly loud about this but our lunoct??? OUR LUNOCt?? TRANS. LOVE. 

being trans and loving people is such a unique experience no cis person could ever understand. navigating love as a trans person is hard. it’s difficult. it’s a constant battle of people believing they are owed information about you, who will hate you and punish you for not sharing said information, who demand your gender explained in words they can understand - dehumanising, thinking different of you the second they know. so the beautiful, wholesome, COMING - HOME feeling of loving another trans person? knowing your experience is shared? that someone out there sees you for who you are without needing an essay on why they should - 

so put this into lunoct: put this into them, their lives dictated by GODS,  everything they are and everything they do, even how they identify, taken from them by people with more power than they could ever have. everything, even their coming out stories dictated by what they are ( THE KING AND THE ORACLE ) in such a raw, real experience of having everything you are just... taken.

put it into noctis, who saw luna as she was from the moment he knew her: beautiful, gorgeous, more than the mouthpiece she has dedicated her life to being, who’s own complicated relationship with gender always began at that moment they chose him just like they chose her,  put it into them, who doesn’t CARE what bahamut wants of them, who would wrench luna from her purpose and run away with her at the drop of a hat if he could get to her, if she’d let him.

put it into these two people, isolate them from the rest of the world, make them feel alone, safe for each other, nobody else out there who could understand the things they’re going through - could understand how one’s gender could affect one’s personality when the right to express it, to feel it was taken from you by FATE, out of control, out of your hands.  

put it together for the experience nobody wants to talk about - being trans and in love, your whole world shaped by the way it rejected you.

[baalzebufo]

Can I ask what you love about Ronaldo? :o sorry if I'm bothering you, I just haven't seen any love for him in the fandom, I'd love to hear you ramble about it!!

do NOT worry i will take any opportunity to ramble about him!! this got really long and is basically a small essay sorry about this, ill put it behind a readmore but. i have a lot of feelings to unleash

so like, ive always loved the human characters in SU, just tossing that out there to start. they have some of the most relatable aspects of the show for me and i think work really well to ground the show and have that human aspect and provide the Other Half of stevens life. and i relate really strongly to all of them- lars is a huge example, bc of the way his anxiety and depression is portrayed and how it Can cause you to lash out sometimes when you hate yourself- like, ive been there during my less healthy periods and tbh. i had the same feelings with ronaldo

heres this late-teen-early-twenties dude who hasnt done much with his life and hasnt got a lot of friends and is widely considered to be the weird outcast. he doesnt have the best grasp of social cues, he is kind of inappropriate sometimes without meaning to be and occasionally insensitive, and more than anything hes searching for purpose and importance in life. one thing i feel people tend to overlook about him is that inferiority complex- its made very clear in keep beach city weird (the ep) that he basically has a full depressive breakdown when he learns he isnt actually at the center of any big conspiracy. and like, as someone who has struggled with the feeling of being tiny and unimportant in the universe, lemme tell you i FELT that. especially when other people seem to be so much better than you? people need to feel at least some kind of validation and self-importance to feel alive tbh

i think it gets overlooked bc it isnt focused on nearly as much as it is w some other characters and i could be overanalyzing i know, but i feel like its pretty much subtext he has some form of depression- his mood swings pretty strongly and hes clearly very emotional and has outbursts. in my neurodivergent eyes he is absolutely coded with Some kind of mental health issue or neurodivergency, with his hyper-obsessing over his interests and ignoring everything else for the sake of them, and ofc his tendency to have a full on meltdown when hes Wrong and Not Special. i just feel like theres so much more THERE that people could explore but goes unappreciated? like- during future boy zoltron, he asks a question to steven (offscreen) but considering stevens response is ‘deep down, your father really loves you’ its pretty strongly implied there ronaldo is... perhaps more aware of his impact on his family and loved ones than he shows outwardly. its never hugely focused on but theres snippets that just make me super fascinated to know about him

and ofc i have to bring up my favourite piece of Ronaldo Lore, the comic Anti-Gravity. please PLEASE read it if you are interested in him because imo it does the best job of showing what hes like- hes eccentric and weird and lets his imagination run wild sometimes but deep down he wants to help people and be appreciated. sometimes those desires lead to him being selfish or hurtful, and i dont think he even realizes hes doing it sometimes, because whenever hes called out about it he tends to rethink his actions. but in that comic he helps steven save the day and has. this rly good quote: 

‘for once, i know i can help! you were right- i didn’t understand how dangerous these anomalies could be, but the whole reason im even talking to you now is because i care.’

hes a dreamer and he lives in his own little world a lot of the time and likes to reject the reality he considers Boring where he is just another normal person among billions but he does earnestly want to help people. he just enjoys the weird and unusual and wants to be proud of that, which sometimes leads to him ignoring social norms because he doesnt care what people think.

this post got into the like ‘deeper’ stuff, but dont get me wrong i also just think he is VERY funny and cute. hes extremely silly and whenever i see him being a Huge Fucking Dork it warms my heart bc. idk, im also a dork. im a twenty-something dude who tries to be proud of being weird and loving my strange interests and seeing another character like that in a show i love just... we Connectin. but in general i feel like he could have so much more!! and is widely ignored by the fanbase bc they find him annoying (or creepy). which is fair, aint nobody have to like a character if they dont want, but i certainly will love him and put together The Pieces. is it probably just headcanon and speculation?? yeah, maybe. but rly, would ronaldo have it any other way

[upperstories]

I don't have anyone to talk to about good omens, but it's too long to fit in a question thing and I understand if it's too long but like, if you have time, maybe: 

Ok,  so like: Aziraphale and Crowley as representations of humanity is a popular head cannon I’ve seen floating around. But I want to toss this in too.

Aziraphale representing that believer that was raised in what I call the traditional small-town southern Christian family. The one that was raised in a family with a wall of crosses and Sunday dress and strict unspoken rules. Who read his bible every night as a child, church camps, devotionals and Sunday schools and so on. And he likes the idea of it all, he likes the potential that it has, but he has also seen the reality of it. The way that his family sneers at those who don’t put anything in the collection plate or order him to stay away from certain people due to being ‘the wrong sort’*. He has seen the reality of these believers. So he internalizes the idea of ‘if I’m just good enough-‘. If he is good enough then nobody looks too closely, he follows those unspoken rules but is terrified of breaking them. But he grows up lonely and terrified to ask why and keeps the appearances. But he knows that his faith, whatever is left of it, is based on fear and not love.

But here is the beautiful thing about Aziraphale. He encompasses all of the great parts. Delighting in God’s creations and their works, their books and the way that they think and imagine and believe and create these worlds, and their food and innovation. Imagine seeing food come into creation and watching thousands upon thousands of years of humans experimenting with how to make it taste even better.  Getting to know humanity on a personal level on earth, loving them just a degree to great to be the all-encompassing love that is standard. Do you want an example? Giving away the sword**. He knows the consequences, but he did so out of kindness, because it was right, because he saw somebody in need and acted in love.

Crowley though, he is the believer who started into this wholeheartedly, who read and wanted to believe but saw the same judgment in the church as Aziraphale. Who asked questions, and wanted answers and was shot down again and again and again. Who searched for the love that this was supposed to give and only found empty promises and rules with no point. He saw the church was nothing the way it was supposed to be. But he internalized that hellfire message that he was a sinner and that nothing he did would ever be good enough. So he left, declaring that he would be the biggest sinner in existence.

But here is the thing. Aziraphale still has his metaphorical crosses hanging everywhere, still stockpiles and hoards and is fiercely possessive of his books. Crowley is sparse in his possessions, doesn’t eat much, a minimal aesthetic and plants teeming in his flat. All things associated with fasting, modesty and a need for life***. He does ‘evil acts’ but affirms that it is a choice. They can still choose good and call it a Test of God, and he doesn’t get angry about it. He only ever offers options; he only presents opportunities and questions, no different than before. He cares and feels so much more than he pretends.  He loves so much, but he’s convinced that he himself is unworthy of it. He is a demon that still prays. He is a believer that wants to believe in a loving and good God but he cannot see it in his people.

But here is the absolute best of it. He can see it in Aziraphale. He can see all the values and love that he knows was supposed to be there in Aziraphale. He can see what should have been in Aziraphale. And Aziraphale can finally speak with somebody who has never doubted God’s existence, but just asked questions and needed answers. The same questions he has but was too afraid to ask. The same thoughts at night. The only difference is, Aziraphale isn’t ready to let go of the label of Angel for fear of who has left afterward, and Crowley has no expectations or rules for himself and nobody else does either, so if he loses, it’s not that big of a deal. (Until Armageddon that is, but that’s another post.)

Aziraphale wants him around, though he’ll deny it. And Crowley wants Aziraphale around, though he will deny it. Through it all, they belong, desire and respect one another. They tease each other, true, but Crowley never truly calls him out for his overindulgence, possessiveness or vanity. Aziraphale never calls him out on the fact that he is a natural nurturer, that he was never truly evil at all. They don’t pretend to be anything more than what they are with each other.

They finally find unconditional acceptance in each other.

And they accept humanity just as unconditionally because they understand what the two extremes of heaven and hell don’t. That humanity, with all of its flaws and strengths, with everything that it has done, deserves the option that was never given to them. To ask and find the answers for themselves.

  *https://goodluckdetective.tumblr.com/post/185827527330/i-too-an-consumed-with-good-omens-feelings-so)

**https://fondlylupin.tumblr.com/post/185454484114/im-convinced-this-is-the-moment-crowley-fell-in

*** https://writterings.tumblr.com/post/185591318090/i-love-that-aziraphale-the-angel-loves-food

And just because this is a favorite of mine as well: https://tio-trile.tumblr.com/post/185625455889/please-write-the-essay-on-why-he-didnt-kill-the

[rigginsstreet]

what changes would you have made in st season 3? briana essay writing skills COMMENCE :)

*REALISTIC changes lol

first of all, in the words of the late great biliam hargrove: nobody tells me what to do.

second of all, the fucking stupid ass music number that got my mens killed is absolutely going the fuck in the garbage can where it belongs

i really didnt have a lot of problems with this season as far as what everyones individual plots where. like, i LOVED joppers arc (until the fucking end), i liked jancys (though i feel like they really didnt do a lot in terms of it. i thought we were gonna get way more in terms of the sexism nancy faced at work. it just... felt weak. and all we saw from jonathan was him developing his pictures. i just needed... more)

im not interested in the kids so whatever they were doing i couldnt care less about BUT i will say will shouldve been more involved with the mindflayer stuff like... besides the whole neck tingles business (mindflayer asmr) he really took a back seat and that just.... doesnt make any sense to me.

instead of that fuck ass billy and karen nonsense that time shouldve been used at the beginning to actually SHOW us max and billys development and where they stood as siblings rather than just shoehorning in her crying about him once he was possessed. 

and dustin being away from the party still makes no sense to me. i know everyones got a hardon for steve and dustins bromance but im not one of them and that entire subplot in itself was the most boring thing to me this season like i truly could not have cared less about that about that either. and honestly now reflecting back on it.... the whole notion of a secret russian facility being under the mall and these dopey ass kids just stumbling into it is so hokey but whatever

billy and eleven absolutely needed more scenes. i was fully expecting to have like... a deeper connection between the two of them. i was expecting for us to get eleven going into billys mind and being able to actually talk to him and interact with him and us seeing that billy was struggling trying to fight this thing inside him that he has no fucking clue what it is and hes so scared. speaking of which, i was also expecting to see scenes of billy at home struggling with trying to keep this a secret because he has no idea whats happening to him. like... dacre fucking crushed it with all the acting he did showing us how billy was struggling in such subtle manners, dont get me wrong. but i think we needed more of that on a bigger scale for his ending to have any actual payoff.

also the fact that you have billy being possessed, living in a house with an abusive father, and we got NOTHING of that ?? what ??? bad call. BAD call.

and the season needed more focus on the fact that billys just a kid in all this. hes a PERSON. i’ll keep ranting about this but the fact that NO ONE tried to figure out a way to help him.... it was literally just “is he the mindflayer? welp. gotta kill him now i guess”. so gross. like even the people who hate billy and are still like “are we supposed to feel bad for him?” I DONT KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN TO YOU THAT HE’S A HUMAN BEING AND HE DOESNT DESERVE TO FUCKING DIE JUST BECAUSE HE WAS MEAN SOMETIMES! THATS NOT HOW THE WORLD WORKS TIFFANY! but anyway

the fact that steve just rammed into billys car and left him to die in a fiery blaze.... is so out of character to me? lmfao like literally all you needed to do was have steve ram into his car and then notice its billy and have a typical steve harrington freak out like “oh my god. OH MY GOD?” wouldve loved to see SOMEONE struggle with the fact that yeah everybody hates billy but like... you cant just let him die ??? lmfao that is truly the most infuriating part of this entire season. just...nobody fucking cared. even if only for max’s sake. nobody fucking cared it was her brother going through all this. trash. all of them. it also wouldve been nice to see billy apologizing to steve and lucas in his final moments too like nobody rushed down to console max? lmfao okay.... fake ass friends

im also upset that hopper dies after being away from eleven the entire season like.... ugh. like i said, i loved joppers arc and their scenes (along with billys) are by far and away my favorite this season but...it just leaves a bad taste in my mouth the way hopper went out. i mean, his death overall does feel wrapped up like i think the duffers handled it a helluva lot better than they handled billys but...the fact that hopper was the first parent el had that treated her right and took her in and gave her a home and stability... and they barely had any time together leading up to his death... i dont like it.

also the whole flayed plot went pretty much nowhere like..... all these people get infected or whatever just to be led to their deaths to turn to goo and like.... oh... kay ??? the trailer made it seem like they were some type of zombie agents idk i expected something more chaotic to take place. what we got just felt anticlimactic to me.

this season as a whole just left me wanting more. and not in the “oh i cant wait for season 4!” way. but in the way “couldnt yall have done something else with your time?” way. i think this season really couldve benefited from having one or two extra episodes. or maybe even just longer episodes. AND WITH THE TIME YALL DID HAVE WE DIDNT NEED BILLY AND KAREN AND FUCKING MUSICAL NUMBER THE END

OH! and the mayor kline shit.... what? that shit felt like it went nowhere too like...that definitely needed to be explored more. i dont even remember what is reasoning was to be in bed with the russians. wasnt it just about money? like.... he wasnt even really involved ? the fuck was that about. no bueno. 

but most importantly billy should have been at scoops to taunt steve about his sailor uniform if the duffers had just given me that i could forgive everything else but they didnt so here we are the end

AND I STILL MAINTAIN STEVE SHOULDVE BEEN MORE INVOLVED IN BILLYS PLOT CONSIDERING HE WAS LIKE THE ONLY PERSON BILLY REALLY INTERACTED WITH IN S2 BUT OH NO, THE DUFFERS CANT LET PEOPLE KNOW GAY MEN EXIST. imma stop.... imma stop.