#its likee. one of the Very few albums where i have the entire thing on my playlist.. th knly other one i cn think of that i dont Need to

[syncrovoid-presents]

Hello!! :D

Your writing captures such a neat vibe that I was wondering: do you listen to anything before or while you write?

Hello Hello!!

Thank you for the kind words @:D

Good question! I listen to a lot of music throughout the day but there's a few songs and artists I've been listening to when writing The Consequence of Imagination's Fear. For some of them I've even put references to them in the fic for fun. Some are obvious, some aren't haha

Mostly includes Cosmo Sheldrake, Lemon Demon (spirit phone and I am become christmas albums), Junie &theHutFriends, The Scary Jokes, some Brobecks and Blue Kid, and lots and lots of Chonny Jash (such fun music and story telling all wrapped into one experience!! I've been listening to his albums on loop @:P )

Plus various Wally playlists! I like the familiarity that music can bring when on loop so I tend to loop albums or playlists (I know the next song that will play so my brain doesn't get distracted. Helps me get into The Flow tm) and I like songs with lyrics that can lead to inspiration (though that's hard to define since different things give different people different inspirations!)

I hope that answers your question, thanks for asking! Have a wonderful day/night!!! @:D

ps. i could possibly make a playlist of songs i listen to, if people were interested? it probably wouldn't be all that unique but hey, that's just the nature of being one within a fandom of many @:o)

[manicpixiefelix]

head, heart, hand. {Felix Catton/Reader/Oliver Quick}

Part 11.

Summary: It's good to finally getting back home to Saltburn. There's just a few things to work out, such as where Oliver's staying, and why.

{ masterpost }

Need to Know: They/Them. Explicitly NB Reader. FWB!Reader/Felix. Reader is from a well off family but has pretty much been adopted by the Cattons.

Warnings: implications of child neglect

A/N: 3989 words. I think about Jacob Elordi saying that Felix would have Artic Monkeys on his personal playlist, about once a day. um okay so not only is this uneditd, but i definitely got very drunk halfway through it, so that's.... that. (im drunk as i publish this) BUT WE'RE AT SALTBURN AND OLLIE GETS HERE TOMORROW!! (which means the next chapter, which dw will be tomorrow irl) ((is this anything?? im worried its ooc please feedback??))

TAGLIST IN COMMENTS!! // TAGLIST ALWAYS OPEN ! (just message or comment to be added)

----

There is no reverence in you anymore for the castle in the countryside that is Saltburn.

Once it had towered before you, trembling, a child alone in every way that mattered until the doors opened before you. Saltburn was a haven away from the bitter hypocrisy of both expectations and apathy, though it took you quite some time to learn as much. At first, there was reverence; Saltburn was the place where every script you'd learned to smile through, every societal expectation you'd been trained to uphold, would be put to the test.

And if you couldn't keep up, if you messed up in this holy house in the face of their kind smiles, you were sure their gazes would turn blank with inevitable disappointment.

But that was years ago.

And mistakes made you interesting, your quirks made them laugh, and Saltburn became less holy each Summer as you found it to be far more human.

It's what occupies your mind for the entire trip back to Saltburn, with you and Felix sharing an earbud each from his iPod, and Farleigh reading - pointedly not not ignoring Felix after he'd found out the news.

You wonder what Oliver will see in the house; the sum of it's parts, or each room and inch of the grounds as their own storage space for memories worth so much more.

Felix hums along under his breath like nothing in the world could ever worry him. Farleigh licks the tip of his finger, glancing with ire at his cousin for just a moment before turning the page of his book. Play. You squint at the cover; Richard the Third. Shakespeare. Farleigh holds the play up further to hide the rest of his face from you both.

You'll get to the station before midday, and a town car will be waiting for you all. Most of your things from Oxford are on their way to a storage facility in the city for the Summer, but you've still got a few precious things you're bringing back to the estate in a suitcase a the front of the carriage, and a bag overhead.

Felix has been trying to look nonchalant and look out the window for a good part of the trip now, but he keeps glancing at you with a strange look.

"Does this change us?"

This time, you make sure to catch his gaze before you reach for the iPod. Most of the ride has been on shuffle, quiet otherwise between you two, if not for his humming, or yours. Flipping through the few albums he had saved, you clicked through to the one you had been looking for. The sunshine is beating down on him just outside the window, almost directly overhead, shining on him and everyone in behind him in the window seats, painting them in sharp relief if they had their curtains open.

You pressed play on You Probably Couldn’t See for the Lights But You Were Staring Straight at Me by the Artic Monkeys.

Felix, who knows and loves the song, can't look at you. Actually, properly can't look at you, hiding his embarrassed smile behind his hand as he forced himself to look out the window.

And you hum along, grinning, leaning just past him to also focus your gaze out the window.

"Stop that," he mumbles under his breath from behind his hand, clearly still smiling. All you do is continue to hum along as the band thrashes along in your heads. After a moment, you slide the iPod towards him, as if taunting him, daring him to change the song himself.

"- they're not half as bad as me," you sing under your breath. Felix is turning pink around the ears, but flips the iPod over onto it's face, letting the rest of the song play out, "say anything and I'll agree -" your smile grows wider and you sit back, but continue to hum.

If Farleigh's judging either of you, he doesn't lower his book enough to indicate as much.

The town car ride back to the estate was far more eventful, as the three of you began to properly discuss Oliver's impending arrival. Apparently he hadn't thought much about packing up his room at Oxford, what little there apparently was to pack up, so he was taking the extra day students were allotted to gather himself together for the Summer. That meant one night at Saltburn before he'd be there.

"I actually, genuine can't believe you sometimes," Farleigh had started two separate tirades in the past twelve hours exactly like this, and both about Oliver. It was no secret what this third was going to be about, "you honestly couldn't give me six weeks of peace? Six weeks?"

"You'll have plenty of peace, mate," Felix had insisted, eyes wide and pleading with his irate cousin, "and honestly, I think you'll really start to warm up to him."

"I appreciate that your optimism springs fucking eternal, Felix, but -"

"No, seriously, give him a chance outside of all the academics and what everyone else thinks," Felix was beginning to plead for a moment, all big brown eyes and imploring tone of voice. Farleigh, however, was not as well swayed as the rest of the world would be by his theatrics.

"I'm not going to play nice with your little -"

"Hey, he might be into that," you cut Farleigh off before he could say something too incendiary, but Felix still cast his frown between you both.

"Not helping, Y/N," he admonished, turning back on Farleigh who was suddenly overcome with mild revulsion at your implications. When Felix wasn't looking, you wiggled your eyebrows at him suggestively, teasingly adding to the bit. He fake-gagged, much to Felix's disappointment.

It wasn't a long journey, however, and soon enough the three of you were pulling into Saltburn, and there was something amusing about the collective sigh of relief you all shared once the door opened.

"Feels like ages since we've been back," Felix stretches, leaving his bags for the chauffer and doormen, as did you. Farleigh made a start towards the trunk of the car before the chauffer climbed out, giving him a confused look and he thought better of it.

"Christmas, right?" Farleigh stuck his hands into his pockets, sauntering up the steps beside you all, gazing up at the large, blue doors.

"Duncan taking his time," Felix muttered under his breath after a moment, to which you grinned.

"Probably wants to keep them closed on us as long as possible," though just as you say that, as Farleigh and Felix snicker, the doors creak open, and there, gaunt as you've ever seen him, Duncan somehow manages to loom impressively large, even as you've grown into an adult.

"Master Felix," he nods to each of you with the same stern civility he's always carried, "Master Farleigh, Captain Y/N." You nod in turn, voice turning cordial as you greet him warmly, despite your two companions barging through ahead of you.

"Duncan, always lovely to see you," you incline your head towards him the way you always have, and for a brief moment he allows himself a faint, but genuine smile.

"God, you're so fucking weird sometimes!" Farleigh calls over his shoulder at you. You roll your eyes, but Duncan is stone-walling again, so you slip past him to catch up. In time to hear Farleigh's voice lower and ask, "have you told your mother yet?" Felix makes a face.

"I texted her before we got on the train," it sounds uncomfortable, "she sent me an incomprehensibly long text back which I only got when we had service again. I think she's fine with it."

Farleigh hangs his head, his last defence against Oliver's impending arrival foiled. After a beat, he forced a smile, sliding up to get in step beside you and wrapping an arm around your shoulders.

"Oh, we're gonna be best friends this summer," he tells you, as if you have no say in it, "you, me, and my fucking weed guy -"

"Say it fucking louder why don't you," Felix rolled his eyes, but you simply shook your head at the altercation, wrapping your arm around Farleigh's middle and giving him a squeeze.

"You're impossible, Farleigh," you told him, "and so lucky I love you."

Farleigh quietly cheers for what small triumph he had won, before both you and him look to Felix's vaguely sceptical expression, taking in the both of you.

"It's a fair trade," Farleigh told him easily, "you get your new best friend Oliver -" still yet to say the name without disdain, you note, "- I get Y/N."

"I did also promise Venetia I'd spend some time with her," you chime in, but Farleigh can't help himself but snort.

"You sure she won't pick a fancy for Oliver too?" You can hear his lip curl, but Felix pulls ahead where he's been casually leading you all through the house to his room. You can't see his expression.

"Fuck off, Farleigh -" you start, coldly pulling away from him, but Felix's tone is light, almost forcibly casual as he cuts you off.

"Ollie's lovely but I don't think he's much of her type."

"Everyone's Venetia's type," Farleigh spits, unable to stop himself from putting his foot in his mouth. The implication hangs in the air for a long few seconds before Farleigh catches himself. The unneeded reminder. The real reason for the sudden coldness. Felix turns, smiling bright with nothing behind his eyes as he cheerfully tells Farleigh -

"You know where your room is, right?" And says he's going to rest before hunting down the rest of the family amongst the estate. Farleigh meekly nods, and departs from you both. Both you and Felix follow him with your eyes; Felix's smile doesn't drop before the door closes behind him, and it's the two of you in the blue room, alone.

And you know he's thinking about Eddie.

You wish Farleigh knew how to keep his mouth closed, how to stop pressing buttons when he always knew what they did.

"Where's Ollie going to be staying?"

Felix's eyes flash to you, and you wonder if it were the right or wrong question. Is there a question in this moment that isn't loaded? Is there a question you could ask that wouldn't make him think of Eddie right now?

Eddie had stayed in Felix's room. In Felix's bed. At least he was supposed to. But Oliver wasn't Eddie, so he needed his own space.

Oliver was different to Eddie, you reminded yourself, and hoped that Felix was thinking it too. That was good. That was good.

"Dunno," Felix finally admitted with a sigh, draping himself over the cream sofa, looking up at the ornate ceiling. You sat on the stool for the broken piano, lifted the lid and idly played a few notes, listening to the little hammers in the instrument tap uselessly against broken strings.

"Vennie wouldn't do that again, would she?" Felix muttered so quietly you almost miss it. He doesn't call his sister Vennie often; you know he's dwelling, he's hurting the way he tries to pretend like he doesn't.

"Farleigh's talking shit because it's his job at this point," you tell Felix flatly, and he angles his head towards you, even if it looks like it hurts, so you see him contemplating, "but Ollie isn't Eddie."

Something lights up in the back of your mind as you read faint disappointment on Felix's face as he processes your words. Nodding, he sighs again, looking up at the ceiling.

"Last night was fucking beautiful," Felix's tone turns wistful; he hasn't told you properly about what happened between him and Oliver, but clearly it went well, "I hope Ollie likes it here." Then, closing his eyes, he takes a deep breath before offering, "I've been meaning to thank you, actually," he admits. You shift from the piano stool to sit on the arm of the sofa he was laying across, "for giving me space to spend those moments with Ollie last night."

His face scrunches up a little, then, as if sensing you by his head, he cracks an eye open. Slowly, almost embarrassed, he starts to smile.

"He's like you, you know?" He says gently, before he really considers what he means, and his face falls; you watch, you wait patiently, "can't go home ever again," apology in his eyes, "that's what he said to me."

There's that love, that desire to do good, to be good, that Felix has always craved. He's in his own head, all kinds of thoughtful and melancholy that he often isn't around the rest of the world. Felix shuffles himself over on the plush, wide sofa, making himself as small as possible, and you know it's an invitation. One that you take. It's awkward, but he holds you tightly so you won't fall off.

You wonder if he even realises that you're there, that you're in his arms and listening to the way his thoughts spill out of him from a moment of connection he craves but doesn't often get. If you're so much of his mental wallpaper that holding you like this, the way you listen, the way you are so gentle in these moments, if you're more like a simple diary, an easy, comfortable way to get these thoughts out of his head without the fear of his secrets being spilled upon someone who might use them against him.

"I don't think I'll ever understand not being able to come home," Felix admits softly, "I can't even wrap my head around how Ollie became the man he is with parents like that; and after all he's gone through, for this to be straw, the thing that means he'd rather live in a world alone than be around the people - person - who was mean to love and protect him and yet failed him over, and over, and over again? He's so bloody strong for how long he's gone through it all."

Swallowing hard, you're surprised by the way your eyes are clouding over. Trying not to break the moment, you press your face against his chest; Felix doesn't seem to notice, still trapped in his own thoughts, but he instinctively holds you a little tighter.

"'Home' doesn't mean the same for you as it does for me," Felix whispers softly, almost to himself, and it hits you square in the chest. The tears start to come, and you can feel them dampening his shirt, "that's what he'd said to me," oh, Felix hadn't even realised you were crying.

It takes another half a minute before he even seems to realise something is wrong, but you assured him you were fine, that you were just very glad that Oliver would be staying here instead for the Summer. He'd almost connected the dots at the start of the conversation, but now he couldn't seem to see them.

Still, you knew Felix, and you weren't sure if his heart could handle making you cry twice in two days. So you lie, and he lets it go.

Felix is sitting up and stretching, his mood having improved for having voiced his thoughts it seems, and you're drying your eyes when the door to the Blue Room opens.

"Darlings, Duncan just let me know you'd arrived and were on your way to freshen up before the afternoon," Elspeth was as bright and flighty as always, looking between you both, "so glad I caught you both." Felix is the first on his feet, warmly greeting his mother with a hug and a kiss on the cheek, which she returned in kind. Seeing your red-rimmed eyes, she's immediately concerned, but you brush it off quickly, telling her that you and Felix were simply discussing Oliver's situation and that you were incredibly excited to have him joining you all. She, of course, lit up at that.

"It will be such a treat, if I'm to believe my darling son," and of course she is to believe darling Felix, everyone at Saltburn always did. His admiration was worth it's weight in gold to the people who loved him, Elspeth especially. She latches onto the elbow he doesn't offer and you're left to catch up to them as they make their way through the familiar rooms to Felix's, her voice filling the space all the while.

"You must tell me all about dear Oliver," Elspeth insists; she, like her son, was made for Saltburn. She catches the light, beautiful and timeless and made to live amongst its timeless walls. Your face still feels hot; you don't know why but you feel out of place - home doesn't mean the same thing for you as it does for me - Felix pet's his mother's hand on his arm and assures him that she'll love Oliver. He's thoughtful. He's gentle. He's beautiful. Her eyes shine; even his mother is not immune to his light.

"Now, I hope you don't mind," Elspeth begins when the three of you get to the long gallery before Felix's room, "but it was rather last minute, so it's been something of a rush to get everything ready -"

"Get what ready?" Felix asks, and you watch them like a play, like a film, like a third party without any kind of say.

"I thought it would be best if Oliver stayed in the room attached to yours," Elspeth said, and it takes a moment, but you feel your stomach drop. This was worse than last Summer; at least then you had your own room.

"Y/N's room?" There's some victory to be taken in the way Felix seems ready to fight for you in this matter.

"Oliver is a guest, dear," Elspeth didn't even look at you in this moment, "we didn't want to have him set up, all alone, on the other side of the house." She smiles, and gives a fond, if condescending look over her shoulder to you, "you'll be alright, won't you sweetheart? It's just a bedroom, it's not a big deal." You try and smile, and nod, and be placating -

"They can stay with me," Felix insisted, "sleep over, like when we were kids." For a moment, he looks to you. The nod he gives is solid, is reassuring; it eases your heart.

"I don't know if that'd be appropriate."

Elspeth knows. Everyone fucking knows. No-one will say it, but it effects every damn thing they do. How they treat you. You know this, but no-one talks about it out loud.

Saltburn thrives on the unspoken.

"Why not?" Felix forces his mother's hand, "Y/N's my best mate, has been for years, we share a bed all the time." And Elspeth is too polite to do anything but concede, and lets you both know with a faint, awkward smile that your things will be moved to Felix's room before the day is out.

"And Y/N, darling," she does finally, properly acknowledge you, taking both your hands in hers, kissing you on both cheeks, "it's wonderful to see you, of course, so glad to have you home."

Home.

You smile warmly at her. After a beat, however, she casts a faint frown to the window.

"And I feel I'd be remis not to tell you that Venetia is refusing to get out of the pool until you go down and join her."

"Oh," there's an amused kind of warmth that blooms in your chest at that, at being sought after and missed; Felix rolls his eyes but it's fond, "how long has she been there?"

"Not long before you arrived," Elspeth gives a genuine, warm smile, clearly either wilfully or genuinely ignorant about the nature of your relationship with her daughter, "please just take it as a sign that we have all missed you dearly."

She leaves you both to it, reminding you of when supper was to be held, as if the time ever changed, and you and Felix quietly made your way into his room. Your room.

You watch from the doorway as your best friend breathes in familiarity of it all. His childhood bedroom, always left immaculate and untouched, a museum to him whenever he was away from the house. A place of so many of your firsts, yet never a place you'd really called your own. Felix falls onto the bed, face-first, swearing muffled by his expensive duvet.

"Every bloody person's determined to get on my nerves today," Felix sighed, flipping himself over, legs hanging off the end of the bed. "Not you, you don't count," he adds idly, flicking his wrist in your general direction, but still managing to warm your heart, "I'm glad Ollie's staying close by, but can you believe she thought you'd stay anywhere but here?" He sounded genuinely miffed, finally turning to look at you. When he sees the abashed way you're smiling at him, his frustration drops, "what?" He can't help but match your softness in this moment, and you shake your head, trying to tell him it's nothing. "It's not nothing, look at you," he insisted brightly; your smile widened, as if on cue, "you were getting teary thinking about Ollie just minutes ago; go on, what's on your mind now. Is it Venetia?"

"'s not Venetia," you insisted, finally joining him in the room, sitting yourself on the edge of the bed looking around.

Your room; the room you share with Felix, and so close to Oliver too.

"It's our room, isn't it?" It's like he can read your damn mind, practically giggling like a high schooler at the mere thoughts of what the two of you were bound to get up to.

"You were so insistent," you finally teased, grinning wide and leaning back against him, "it's almost like you like me or something."

"That's fucking lies and slander!" Felix crows, your head on his chest, "I'll sue you for that -" but you're already moving, straddling him, pinning his hands to the bed either side of his head as you grin down at him.

"Felix Catton's sharing his bed, call the tabloids!" You teased, leaning in, and when he captures your lips in a kiss, it's like he wants you to taste how sharp his amusement is. He bites and teases and frees his hands to pull you in. Quickly everything shifts and moves and there's something possessive about the way he kisses you, holds you, has you under him and pinned and breathless before you realise what had happened.

"You think I'd let mum kick you out like that?" His pupils are blown so wide with want you think they could swallow you whole in this moment; "never want you that far away if I can help it," it comes out as a breathless admission, almost like it escaped him, like he's caught up in the moment, and you never want him to stop talking to you like this, "can't say that at Oxford - fuck Oxford," he mumbles, his lips on your neck in the next instance. His teeth sting without breaking the skin, sucking with intent to leave an ache that would remind you of him every time you touched it for the next few days.

"Us and Ollie," his lips are gentle when he kisses across your chest, your collar bones, "I'm sure between the three of us we'll end up getting into proper tabloid trouble," you can feel his smirk, and there's something electrifying about the possibilities you find yourself considering.

"Us and Ollie," you agree with a roughish grin. Felix captures your mouth once more in a kiss, matching your energy, your enthusiasm, but adds, "Ollie tomorrow."

And at that, you remember; giddy laughter escapes you.

"Our room," you can't help but remind him, and Felix's grin stretches wider.

"Venetia can wait for you a little longer."

[hogwartslegacyreactions2]

Hey there! I know I know, I just asked you for a request*, but this idea hits so hart today >.< My request number two: Reaction of Students and Professors if - how in Merlins name could this happen?! - some photographs from MC as a baby/toddler/child circulate around Hogwarts....some really cute and really embarrassing pictures from their first years. Awww! I would love it, I'm giggling alone in my dark room at the moment... Your blog is beautiful and I hope so is your evening! *I still request it, but just if you like^^

A/N: this is hilarious! Lmao

HLC REACT TO MC'S BABY PICTURES

A spell mishap and Peeves interference had MC frantically running all over Hogwarts trying to collect the photos but they just kept multiplying and flying away.

SEBASTIAN SALLOW: He entirely entertained watching MC run around like a chicken with its head cut off to collect all the photos. He doesn't really understand what they're freaking out about anyway, they're cute pictures. Especially the one where MC wears a pair of trousers on their head.

OMINIS GAUNT: To him the whole thing sounds like someone left a door open and a bunch of leaves were blowing around inside. It's only through the surrounding students that he determines that they were photographs of an embarrassing nature. Heh, He's glad it's not him.

ANNE SALLOW: She stows one away. One of MC proudly holding a bored looking cat like a teddy bear. It was too cute to let it fly away. She'll give it back eventually.

IMELDA REYES: She laughs at MC expense and walks away. This is their problem to solve, she has flying to do.

NATSAI ONAI: She's running around with MC trying to collect the photos. She can't help but stop every once in awhile to admire a good one, though. MC was a really cute baby.

GARRETH WEASLEY: He was eating lunch when one smacks him in the face. He looks at it, chuckles and then goes back to eating. He holds it up for MC to snatch when they come barreling through the Great Hall.

LEANDER PREWETT: He casually goes through the photos that fly to him and he admires them. Not just how cute and funny some of them were but seeing where and how MC grew up. Photos tell a story and he was very interested in it.

AMIT THAKKAR: He tries to help with summoning spells. He collects a few at a time but the photos are multiplying faster than they can catch. They're jinxed!

EVERETT CLOPTON: He's sneaking away from the situation. He was practicing the duplication jinx and accidentally hit MC's photo album. He doesn't even remember why they had it with them. Just that Peeves showed up after the photos burst from the book.

POPPY SWEETING: She just watches the chaos. She's sure jobberknolls hopped up on accelerant potion would be easy to collect. She does see a few photos that settle near her. MC eating cereal out of an expensive looking vase is her favorite.

~~~

ELEAZAR FIG: "Peeves! Stop this at once!" Peeves drops the pile of duplicating photos and flies off with a cackle. He nullified the jinx and helped MC clean up. He sees a few photos and smiles to himself. He'd have to ask if he could see them proper some day.

MATILDA WEASLEY: "Aresto Momentum!" With a powerful wave a magic, all the photos stopped dead in their tracks. She looks at MC with slight disappointment. One spell could have fixed all this instead of panicking. "Clean up this mess, I'll handle Peeves." She storms after the poltergeist.

CHIYO KOGAWA: "Well, that's unfortunate." She finds one photo of MC drinking water from a puddle next to the family dog. "Kids..." She chuckles and hands the photo to MC when they run past.

AESOP SHARP: He's mid sip of morning tea when he walks in on the situation. Peeves has done worse. He turns around and walks away from the pandemonium.

ABRAHAM RONEN: He laughs as he joins MC in the chase. "This is fun!" He exclaims like it's just one big game. He will adore MC's pictures, they'll have a hard time getting them away from him without explaining them.

MIRABEL GARLICK: "Peeves! You absolute scoundrel! Stop tormenting the students!" She shoos away the poltergeist and helps MC collect the photos and cancel the jinx. She checks if MC is actually alright. These photos may be embarrassing but they are more than that. They're precious memories.

MUDIWA ONAI: With a wave of her hand, all the photos come to her. She gives Peeves a stern look, which he returns with a loud raspberry, and she hands the photos back to MC. "You should be more careful with these. They may be embarrassing moments now but they are wonderful memories to hold on to. Would you like to see Natty's?" She chuckles.

DINAH HECAT: She sighs and wordlessly waves her wand at Peeves. He stops, drops the photos, and dives through the floor in hast. No one knows what she did but she is one of the few people at Hogwarts Peeves is actually afraid of.

CUTHBERT BINNS: He watches Peeves fly by. He sinks through the floor to the dungeons and finds the Bloody Baron. "He's at it again." The Baron zooms off to do unspeakable things to Peeves.

SATYAVATI SHAH: She quietly collects a few photos after Peeves had his fun and gives them back to MC without a word.

PHINEAS NIGELLUS BLACK: He's just annoyed by the interruption of his day. The poltergeist, the students, they're all so annoying.

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

Photograph of Patti Smith by Rebecca Miller.

* * * *

Memory. Creativity. Links to the past.

From 𝐽𝑢𝑠𝑡 𝐾𝑖𝑑𝑠 by Patti Smith.

"When I was very young, my mother took me for walks in Humboldt Park, along the edge of the Prairie River. I have vague memories, like impressions on glass plates, of an old boathouse, a circular band shell, an arched stone bridge. The narrows of the river emptied into a wide lagoon and I saw upon its surface a singular miracle. A long curving neck rose from a dress of white plumage.

"𝑆𝑤𝑎𝑛, my mother said, sensing my excitement. It pattered the bright water, flapping its great wings, and lifted into the sky.

The word alone hardly attested to its magnificence nor conveyed the emotion it produced. The sight of it generated an urge I had no words for, a desire to speak of the swan, to say something of its whiteness, the explosive nature of its movement, and the slow beating of its wings.

The swan became one with the sky. I struggled to find words to describe my own sense of it. 𝑆𝑤𝑎𝑛, I repeated, not entirely satisfied, and I felt a twinge, a curious yearning, imperceptible to passersby, my mother, the trees, or the clouds."

And from 𝑀 𝑇𝑟𝑎𝑖𝑛:

"We seek to stay present, even as the ghosts attempt to draw us away. Our father manning the loom of eternal return. Our mother wandering toward paradise, releasing the thread. In my way of thinking, anything is possible. Life is at the bottom of things and belief at the top, while the creative impulse, dwelling in the center, informs all. We imagine a house, a rectangle of hope. A room with a single bed with a pale coverlet, a few precious books, a stamp album. Walls papered in faded floral fall away and burst as a newborn meadow speckled with sun and a stream emptying into a greater stream where a small boat awaits with two glowing oars and one blue sail."

Ecco Press Alfred A. Knopf Vintage Books & Anchor Books The Marginalian

[arialice]

Hey malevolent fans, let me tell you of the most malevolent coded album, Counterfeit Arcade by Shayfer James.

So many of the songs either in lyrics or vibes remind me so much of this show, so in a few words I'm going to attempt to explain my thought process about each song (be prepared, it's long)

Weight of the World - I don't have much to say about the lyrics. They kind of fit.

"That's just the weight of the world/We do what we must to stay alive/That's just the weight of the world/And we'll all be the weak and the weary sometime"

The instrumentals, tune and vibes is what really makes this song shine for me. Piano (obviously), the general deranged vibes and so on.

For the Departed - reminds me so much of part 20, thought I can't personally decide who's 'singing' the song. It lowkey works from both John's and Arthur's perspective.

"Save yourself/I am far beyond repair/They will bury me alive/But I'm not inclined to care"

More inclined to think Arthur because of the lines:

"Now I must finish what I started, oh-oh/I'll write a symphony for the departed/And I have no time for second chances/So I survive on bourbon, blood, and backward glances, oh"

"And so, the scene begins/Your cries become the wind/A desperate plea best left unheard/Then my contrived goodbye/A poet's pantomime/A drunken jester's final words"

Where we belong - this song. It's literally malevolent in a song. This is the most literal one. I would quote the entire song if I could, but here's some key lines:

"I know we're far beyond the point of no return/Let's say we light a fire and be the first to burn"

"Do you recall the day when we went wrong?/Time is flying/Ease your weary mind, we'll be alone"

"There's a freight train coming, barreling around the bend/There's a red light flashing, oh, ladies and gentlemen, this is the end/I do believe that we've a lesson left to learn/So take your seats, your salutations, and your turn"

"And on the way to our salvation, we'll be making plans/To overthrow the king and pick apart the promised lands"

L.V.S (Your Lady Waits) - makes me think about Oscar, specifically BlindFaith. Very much "you are my reason" vibes. I think it's the overall softness of the song, the emotion in it is so palpable.

"Oh, the mountains bow before ya/Oh, the clouds are open wide"

"Oh, and we, my friend/Will meet again"

"Upon this Autumn morn/Your laughter lingers on"

Villainous thing - This song is so, so, so obnoxiously Kayne to me, as in it feels like a song thats meant to be sung by him. The kinda cheery tune mixed with the lyrics sell it for me.

"Welcome, won't you come inside?/Oh I fear the passing year did not deserve you"

"Soaked and shivered from the rain/You have always been a delicate disaster" - singing about Arthur

"Waste no worry for the world/Let it be a tragedy of love and glory/While they wait by gates of pearl/We'll be building palaces in purgatory" - makes me think of him pitching the the deal with John in like a reverse psychology way. "Oh I'm sure Arthur is fine you can keep building your empire here in the Dark World, king."

Battle Cry - Works in general considering the 'monster of the week' trope this podcast sometimes falls into.

"Hear my battle cry, hear that mighty sound/They've come before and many more will try to strike me down/Hear my battle cry, hear that mighty roar"

The second verse is what really stands out to me though.

"I met a stranger on my way to here from God knows where/He won my lover in a dirty game of solitaire/He stole my crown and placed it crookedly upon his head/He turned around, I took him down and this is what I said" - again, thinking about part 20 (can you tell its my favorite?) The 'stranger' is The King/Hastur/Yellow/Whatever. 'But he's not a stranger?' He kind of is. After Arthur and John are together for so long, even the King admits that he doesn't know why his other half would pick Arthur. John himself had been making small steps at redemption, and just those baby steps made him pretty duffrebt from the King.

"You'll sacrifice the truth to justify your sins/But I don't need an excuse to let the darkness in" - again Arthur and the King. The King does 'bad' shit simply because he wants, yet when Arthur does something moraly 'bad', he has to justify it to himself.

Peace - Very part 31, aka Arthur's Scratch induced nightmare.

"I'd rather live alone than live a lie/I will never deserve peace" - the confessions we get from Arthur about how he felt about Bella

"I spoke to the ghost on my way to asleep/But the boards in the floor called my footsteps a thief" -reminds me of the argument with James. My line of reasoning is that James is the 'boards', and he's calling him a thief because he 'stole' Bella's life by stepping into it, marrying her when he didnt love her, if that makes sense.

"I will never deserve peace/I will never deserve peace/I will never deserve peace" - general self deprication

Diggin' Up Hatchets - makes me think of Larson or in general season 3. A little bit cult-y. It's mostly tune and vibes but the lyrics kind of work

"We're diggin’ up hatchets today/And sharpening the blades/In case, a stitch of hope remains/In this hell that we've raised"

"Hey! We're witnessing the waking of the dead/We’re ripping all the wires from our heads"

"We're burying mercy and grace/In unmarked shallow graves"

"There’s a plan for us lunatics and liars/We have faulty gears and wires/They can't save us, but they’ll do the best they can"

Under the Willow - John theme song in my mind, can't convince me otherwise. Song about discovering one's self and purpose.

"Mother, mother, I think I found my soul/While I was hiding under the willow"

"I've been the portrait of despair/Despite this hat and badge I wear/I've been a captive and a coward" - 'hat and badge' in this case is the crown and robe of the king

"I met a wise man under the willow/Lover, lover, look for me no more/I've been right here under the willow" - Arthur, obviously

"I've been a bastard and a fool/Rewritten nearly every rule/But I believe I'm worth redemption" - the redemption line alone is perfect.

Godspeed - the Jarthur divorce song. Arguing with someone but knowing that in the end you'll find each other again.

"There’s many ways to hide a heart that bleeds/But I prefer the ease of rolling up my sleeves" - might be imagining bit I sweat once John told Arthur that he wears his heart on his sleeve, if not I apologize.

"You’ve got some nerve to be coming/around with that card up your sleeve/And those thorns in your crown" - I think 'card up your sleeve refers to a plan, a secret, which John had many of

"Funny how the night is not as long,/when you depend upon/The dark before the dawn" - John deceiving Arthur many a times. Works well with the repeating line "I used to be someone that you could belive", Arthur starts ignoring and going against John (see, the entire thing with Oscar)

"Good luck, godspeed, I know I’ll see you again/I’ll always call you a friend indeed" - They always get over it and play nice again, until the next argument of course.

Have a Seat Misery - Coda and Intermezzo vibes. Short and sweet. Reads like a conversation between Kayne and Arthur.

"Have a seat, misery/Lord how I’ve missed you/Don’t go crying to me/That I kept you away for too long/Just put your feet up, friend/cause I read all your postcards/And in a way, I am happy to say/That you’ve never been gone"

"Let me light that for you/Seems your hand’s a bit shaky/We’ve got damage to do/And I know you’ll need smoke in your chest/So have a seat, misery/And don't ever mistake me/Of all of my friends, you know/You are the one I like best"

Conclusion/TLDR: Counterfeit Arcade by Shayfer James is, to me, THE malevolent album. Are some of these conclusions a stretch? Probably considering some of the lyrics I didn't present do actually go against the messages of the show, but I had fun writing this and the good(things matching up really well) outweighed the bad(some contradictions). Also go listen to the album or just Shayfer James in general

[gretavangroupie]

Songbird

Word count: 2.4k+

Pairing: Josh x Female Reader

Warnings: Language, Angst, Drinking, Fluff.

A/N: This idea came to me after watching a soundcheck tiktok, and I had to get it out. Hope you enjoy.

Sitting in the front row of seats at The Greek Theater, you nervously pick at your fingernails. 

You could tell he was still nervous and just wanted you there for support. You typically don’t attend the soundchecks since they only last an hour or so. You like to spend the time getting ready, and packing up Josh’s bag for the night. You don't like him to have to worry about anything on show days, so doing this one small thing for him always seems to help his stress level before shows. 

Today however, was different. He has been on edge about this performance for a few weeks. The setlist was set in advance and there was no changing it. It’s the second night of the two shows for Strange Horizons in Los Angeles, and tonight they will be recording the set for the live album. Now, this usually wouldn’t be a problem but there is one thing that has Josh absolutely worked up and it’s the one thing he is usually never worried about. Singing. 

He spent all week telling you how nervous he was about tonight’s performance and how challenging one of the songs is vocally. Hyping himself up all week and practicing as much as he could. They almost never perform said song because by the end his voice is maxed out. But since these albums will be the sister albums to their newest album, they had no choice but to perform it at atleast one of the shows and tonight was the night. You could sense the anxiety in his voice, in his posture, in everything. It was rare to see him like this and knowing that there was not really anything you could do to help, was taking its toll on you. 

Josh paced around the hotel room all morning, practically wearing holes into the carpet, drinking his throat coat tea and trying to speak as little as possible. So when he finally did speak and asked you to come to soundcheck, you nodded your head in agreement. If just this one thing would help him to relax, you’d do it. Your phone buzzed on the dresser as Josh was getting dressed.

Jake: How’s he doing?

You: He’s a wreck…he has been pacing all morning.

Jake: I figured, I swear I can feel his nervous energy from 5 rooms away.

You: We will see you down there soon.

Jake: We will talk him down, it will be okay.

The entire drive to the theater, Josh fidgeted nervously, and you just held his hands, and tried to reassure him that everything would be fine. But deep in your heart you were just as nervous as he was. Jake shot you a questioning look from the seat in front of you and you nodded to him. An unspoken yeah, he’s still panicking. 

As you arrive at the venue, you all file out of the van and into the back gate. You walk hand in hand, fingers intertwined with his rubbing his knuckles to try and help him calm down. The guys make small talk with him but Josh is laser focused. The last time you saw him like this was when they were in the thick of recording the album.

As they approach backstage you give him a quick kiss and a good luck, and you and the girls retreat to your seats at the very front row.

That's where you find yourself, now. Anxiously watching them get settled on stage to begin soundchecking. 

Jake nods to Josh in a silent ‘you ready’ and Josh gives him a quick nod back. They play through a few songs and everything sounds great, Josh sounds perfect and you can see a bit of his usual confidence coming back to his demeanor.. A misstep from Sam on a chord awards him a concerned look from Jake and Josh, to which he laughs and continues. 

A little bit later you see Sam make his way over to his piano set up and you swallow harshly knowing that they are about to do it. Sam and Danny exchange a nervous look as they see Josh start to pace the stage. 

Jake walks over to Josh and says something indistinguishable, giving his shoulder a quick squeeze before returning to his spot. 

Sam nods to Jake and starts the intro to Tears of Rain. 

So far so good. Josh sounds good, and he’s gonna do fine…

As he sings the first line of the song, all is well. You know the part he is questioning and it's towards the end, so if he can just hit that note now, you know that he will feel better and have a great show tonight.

Your knee nervously bounces on the concrete as you see Josh’s eyes shoot over to you. You look directly into his and hope he can find that comfort that he needs. As he sings the line in question, he clamps his eyes tightly shut and uses every ounce of effort that he has to hit that note. 

Shit. He was so close.

His voice cracks, and he stops singing all together. Sam and Jake quickly look at each other and you can tell they are nervously preparing for the blowback of Josh’s frustration. 

He is mad, and swings the microphone down to his side as he curses outwardly.

The girls clap for him to show their support and he turns to look at them, and you are pretty positive that if looks could kill they would both be dead.

You bite your lip as they turn to you. “He hates to be patronized.” you giggle.

“Play it again.” he commands. The music stops, and they all look at each other to start again.

Second and third time was not the charm. 

Fourth time came yelling, and the fifth time Josh walked off the stage. 

The guys all stayed on stage, knowing better than to approach him when he is like this. It took everything in you to not run back there to find him, but you knew he would be back out. He’s anything but a quitter. 

A few minutes later he comes back out, with a bottle of water and says something to Jake, followed by Danny and Sam. Knowing him, he is apologizing for storming off, but they all know that it's a taxing song and don't think much of it. 

Instead of playing it again, they move on and work their way through a few other songs, before calling it. You and the girls stand up, and walk back to the gate to be let through. You meet up with the guys and you can tell Josh is absolutely beating himself up even though he is trying to play it off. His hand reaches for yours and squeezes it tightly as you all walk back to the van. 

He is silent on the way back to the hotel and you know that as soon as you get back to the room he is going to unleash. His hand grazes the top of your thigh back and forth as he listens to the guys talk and your mind wanders to how you are going to approach the situation rapidly drawing nearer.

Pulling up outside the hotel, you make a plan to meet back here in 2 hours to head to the venue for the night, and you all make your way to the elevators. Stepping into the room a few minutes later, Josh dives head first into the bed, stuffing his head into the pillows.

You kick your shoes off and sit on the bed next to his feet, untying his shoes and throwing them on to the floor next to yours. As he lays on his stomach you feel his hand reach out of yours next to him, grabbing it in his. He just needs to feel you, and feel comfort.

You thought he would be yelling and tearing himself apart, but you were wrong. You push yourself back to the head of the bed to lay next to him. You both lay in silence for a few minutes as you lightly scratch his back over his white shirt.

“You know, I told them when we recorded it that I didn't know if I would ever be able to perform it.” he says muffled through the pillows. “It took nearly ten takes in the studio too.” 

You roll to your side to face him, and he turns his head to look at you.

“You can do it baby, I know you can. You did it for that candlelight session and it was so beautiful. You are just thinking too much. Just sing, you and I both know you can do it.” you say quietly.

He pulls himself closer to you, and you turn onto your back as he rests his head on your chest. You rub your fingertips through his scalp and scratch as he sighs.

“I know I can do it. I just wanted to nail it one time today. I thought maybe if I just…I just want to get it right for them. They love this song. They want to play it. The fans want to hear it. I feel like, if I can't hit the note…” he sighs again. 

“I feel like they will be disappointed. I don't want to let them down.” he whimpers, and you feel a warm wet drop on your shirt.

You cradle his head in your arms and just hold him. You know he needs to let his emotions out, so you just lay there and let him.

“No one will be disappointed baby I swear. No one.” you whisper into his curls. You feel another wet tear form a spot on your shirt. You rub his hair off of his face and kiss his head.

“When we get there tonight, just go in the bathroom, try again. If you’re still feeling nervous, talk to Jake, tell him to come in early if he sees you start to struggle. Point your mic to the crowd, let them sing it for you. Don’t stress it my love. Everything will work out exactly how it's supposed to.” you say with another kiss to his head.

“Will you stand backstage? At least for that song? Just need to see you before I do it.” he asks.

“Of course, I’ll be wherever you need me.” you reply.

He wraps his arms around your waist and kisses your stomach before laying his head back down over your heart. “I love you” he sighs. 

“Love you more.” you reply. His hand grabs yours and places it back on his head, indicating he would like more scratches so you oblige and lay there with him for just a few minutes longer wondering how you got so lucky.

An hour and a half later, you are both ready to go. His bag is packed, you are dressed and your hair and makeup is done. He has showered and refreshed his curls and he has his to-go cup of tea in hand. 

You make your way to the lobby to meet the others and you grab his hand and he spins to meet your gaze. “I know you’re about to get into your zone but, I love you. No matter what. You’re still my songbird.” you say.

His free hand slides up to meet your face, “I love you too, couldn’t do this without you.” he says, pressing a gentle kiss to your lips.

“AYE!” Jake shouts in his fake British accent, “No kissin in the lobby!” he laughs as he meets up with you.

You talk and laugh as you make your way to the van, loading in and heading to the venue. Josh seems to be a little more relaxed than earlier, but you all can tell he is still tense.

Making your way backstage, Josh talks to Jake, and makes a plan for if things don’t work out how he wants them to. 

God, I hope they do… 

For a few hours, you mill around in the green room, talking, drinking and watching them all get ready. You talk to Josh and help calm his nerves and he tells you that he is feeling good, and is hoping for the best. He is in a beautiful royal blue velvet jumpsuit with silver stars embroidered on it. He looks like an angel. Your very own angel.

Ten minutes till the show, you all make your way to the stage and you watch as they all get their monitors on and their respective instruments. Josh dashes over to you, and kisses you one more time. “See you on the other side, my love.” he smiles.

“Love you, I’ll be here if you need me.” you reply as he runs up the stairs. 

The first half of the show has gone amazing, Josh sounds so good and the other guys are playing amazingly. You know that there is only a few minutes until the moment of truth and you link arms with Jake's girlfriend for support. She rubs your hand and tells you that he is going to be fine and you nod as you hear the intro start. Josh tells the crowd he is scared of this one, almost giving himself an out just in case. 

Josh looks over to you, just like he said he would and you blow him a kiss, causing a smile to spread across his face. He winks and turns back to the crowd and you hold your breath as he begins to sing. 

So far so good…

As the moment comes, and he absolutely nails that high note, your heart bursts with pride. 

He did it.

You jump up and down with excitement and the girls join you as you quietly cheer for him.

As the song ends he looks back to you and you smile at him, his beaming smile flashing back. 

The rest of the show goes perfectly and they end the night on a high note. Literally. They make their way off the stage Josh runs straight into your arm and groans into your neck in relief.

“I told you, you could do it baby. I’m so proud of you.” you say.

“I couldn’t have done it without you. Love you so much.” he says, still trying to catch his breath.

“Love you too Josh, but it wasn’t me…You sang from the heart and it paid off.” you smile, walking back to the dressing rooms.

“You’re my heart, it was all for you.” he kisses your cheek and you lean into his hold on your waist. 

“But I’m never singing that fucking song again.”  he says with a cheeky smile, and a smack of your ass. 

.

.

.

.

.

[bbsmuts]

What are some songs that make you really nostalgic?

Well, I could go on for a long time with this, so get ready for some serious yapping.

Don't You Worry Child - Swedish House Mafia This came out when I was 21, and I used to listen to this ALL THE TIME. I'm talking maybe 10 times a day, for a few months. It's associated with a lot of good times in my life.

I NEED U - BTS This was more recent, I was 24 when it came out, but not only is it one I also associate with good times, the sad side of it is amplified by the death of my great aunt about two weeks afterwards. I'm not a very emotional guy at all, but to this day the original video can make me sob like a little kid.

Dancing With a Stranger - Sam Smith & Normani Ah, 2020. A year like no other. Covid spread to Korea pretty quick, so it was here when this song was released. Whole cities were locked down, including mine, so I would throw this banger on at least once or twice again. It does make me nostalgic, but let's be honest, who actually misses 2020?

TASTE - Stray Kids PLEASE, this song is SO DAMN GOOD This was much more recent, and it was released right after I turned 32. It reminds me of life back in Gwangju. Also the production on it is top notch, it's a fantastic song.

LA DI DA - EVERGLOW Ah yes, another 2020 song. Unfortunately, lockdown restrictions didn't relax majorly until 2022, so I had plenty of time to listen to this and its album counterparts in my spare time. Also, Yuehua, WHERE'S OUR FULL LENGTH ALBUM FROM EVERGLOW FOR GOD'S SAKE

The whole album of Return of the Girl - EVERGLOW December 2021. Still on lockdown. Thanks, China. All jokes aside, this was the closest thing we've gotten to a full length album and in my opinion one of the better ones, and brings back plenty of memories from Christmas 2021 with my entire extended family in America. I'll add that trying to leave South Korea during 2021 lockdown was an excruciatingly drawn out process. Thanks, China.

Sit Next to Me - Foster the People A true classic. When I used to visit my brother at his apartment (across half the goddamn country), they would always have this on in the pool hall. Good times.

Immortals - Fall Out Boy Of course, we all remember this song from Big Hero 6, but I can proudly say I was here for this song before then, which was only a month before the movie. Regardless, it's a great song and brings back those memories from being 24.

Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen Moving back a good while before I was around, this song was incredible. I heard it all the time growing up.

Burning Love - Elvis Presley Moving back even further, this is probably my favorite Elvis song. As mentioned in a previous post, my dad was a pretty big Elvis fan, so I grew up hearing his music.

Sweet Home Alabama - Lynyrd Skynyrd Ignoring all the memes, it's a great song and one of my favorite rock songs. Alabama accents kill me bro 🤣

Slow Dancing In a Burning Room - John Mayer This song is AMAZING dude

Scarborough Fair/Canticle - Simon & Garfunkel Parsley, sage, rosemary, and thyme

Levanter - Stray Kids Incredible song, and also reminds me of Gwangju.

Bad Boys - Theme from the show "Cops" I watched this show a lot back in the 90s and early 2000s, and because of that I worked as an officer for a few years before turning my career path elsewhere.

Sultans of Swing - Dire Straits My dad used to listen to this all the time when I was growing up, so it brings back some memories.

I'm going to leave it here. Some of these I put in here make me feel so old 😭

[shyvioletcat]

ROWAELIN MONTH: DAY 10

~ Co-host/Guest Star with Chemistry ~

You might remember this fic from last year. Well, I had plans to make it a one off thing but then I couldn't help it and I got another idea. And I just want to say thank you to everyone who read the first part and loved it. It's so fun when you guys love something as much as I do. Without further delay, please enjoy Part 2 who we really and truly have to thank Rowaelin month and @rowaelinscourt for.

~~~~~

All Aelin could do was stare at her own reflection in the mirror of her dressing room vanity. She didn’t have long before she had to leave her sanctuary and face a crowd of strangers like her entire world hadn’t been rocked at its foundations. Acting was a talent she’d taken to at a very young age, the tales of her dramatics often told around the dinner table. Aelin would be fine, she’d put on one of her charismatic smiles and give her audience her all, and everything would be fine. But for now, it was only her stunned expression to keep her company. 

That was how Rowan found her however long later, silent and still as her mind was whirring with thoughts of the future. Aelin had lost track of the minutes spent doing absolutely nothing, and as Rowan appeared in the mirror she startled, a hand flying to her chest as if to stop her heart from flying out of her chest. 

“Holy gods, you scared me,” she breathed as Rowan removed his cap and kissed her on the cheek. 

“I’m sorry, love,” Rowan murmured onto her skin as he kissed her again. When he noticed she still hadn’t moved, not in the slightest, to look at him or seek out another kiss his voice changed from teasing to concern. “Are you all right?”

Aelin finally found the compulsion to move, swivelling in her makeup chair to face Rowan. It was always infinitely more pleasant when he could come to the studio without the threat of being in front of the camera. Not as exciting for her, but she was still happy to see him. When he came to visit her here Rowan had to sneak in and from the sheer amount of times he’d done he’d developed quite the skill for it. The tricky part was not drawing attention, and with years of practice he had the art of blending in down to a fine art. 

The key was appearing so much unlike his professional self that it would take more than a double take to place why he looked so familiar. So today with his scruffy hat hair, hoodie and stubble covered cheeks, he was a far cry from the suave and composed image he gave the camera.

Since Rowan’s last public performance here he’d been promoting his new album and gone on tour. Over the past eight months Aelin had hardly seen him except via a phone screen. The last time they had managed to see each other in person was when he had shows in Suria and snuck away when he should have been sleeping in to come see her. That was about six weeks ago.

“We have a situation,” Aelin had said, looking up at him and jerking her head towards the vanity. “And I think we have this room and that couch to blame.” 

Rowan’s brows furrowed then looked to where she had directed. His eyes went wide and he did a few double takes before his gaze finally settled on her. There was an open question in his eyes and Aelin just nodded. Then he let out a shaky laugh as he realised fully what this all meant, a hand rubbing his stubbled chin. 

“Well, I guess this changes things,” Rowan finally said. 

“Indeed it does,” Aelin confirmed. “We need a plan, and I think I have one.”

THREE AND A HALF MONTHS LATER…

Aelin always got butterflies waiting behind the curtain for the final call of action. The crowd was still humming with chatter and she could hear the last camera checks over her in-ear monitor. This time the butterflies were worse, enough to make her nauseous. Today’s show would be one to be remembered and it had taken a good amount of deceit and scheming to get here.

“Alright, Aelin,” a voice said into her ear. “Curtains open in five, four, three…”

Aelin took in a deep breath, the last two counts sounding in her head. Two, One.

The applause started and then the curtains opened, Aelin taking the ten steps forward to get to her mark. She smiled and waved while she made eye contact with a few people seated in the audience. There were cheers and whistles, and when it went on a little too long Aelin held up her hands to start quieting them down as the prompt screen undoubtedly displayed QUIET PLEASE. Once the audience had settled Aelin began her welcoming monologue. 

“Thank you so much,” she said, her smile stretching wide, and there were cheers again. “Now, now, as much as I would love to stand here and lap up every bit of your admiration, I don't get paid for that.” There was a healthy amount of laughter. “I get paid to put on a show and what a show do we have planned for today. They’re always special, what am I talking about? It reminds of something my father used to say, slightly inappropriate but I think—”

The strum of a guitar interrupted her and Aelin made sure she looked affronted even though she knew exactly what was going on. When the the chord turned into music she sent a confused look to the audience a millisecond before they broke out in raucous cheers. Aelin whirled around  to see Rowan strutting out, centrestage from where she had been standing moments before with the smallest of smug smiles on his face. He was looking down at his guitar and Aelin put her hands on her hips to show her displeasure. Rowan had the gall to wink at her. If he wasn’t careful he’d give the whole gig away. 

Even though it wasn’t his job, it was Fenrys who darted out from the wings and dropped a mic and stand in front of Rowan, and then he was gone again. It became a stand off, Rowan playing while he challenged her with a look that told her to get off his stage, even though it was her stage. 

He had to win for the whole ploy to work, so Aelin gave an overexaggerated and exasperated sigh, her hands falling to her sides as half turned to the audience as she said, “I guess I know when I’m not needed.”

It was hard, but Aelin withheld her own smile as she gave Rowan the limelight. He hadn’t stopped playing, the chords effortlessly coming from the instrument and he never missed a beat. Aelin found a spot by the foot of the low steps near her interview platform, right beside Fenrys who had decided not to head out of sight. He nudged her with his elbow and winked. Aelin tried not to look too pleased with herself. 

The tempo picked up and Rowan readied himself in front of the microphone. Aelin’s breath caught in her chest, it always did in the anticipation of the song beginning. It always happened when Rowan was about to sing. He closed his eyes, grounding himself to the melody and then his deep voice filled the studio.

I found a love, for me

Darling, just dive right in and follow my lead

Well, I found a girl, beautiful and sweet

“Sweet?” Fenrys muttered under his breath.

Aelin tried very hard not to snort and ruin Rowan’s performance. “Artistic licence. Now hush” 

'Cause we were just kids when we fell in love

Not knowing what it was.

They might not have been kids but they were young and stupid enough to mistake their mutual animosity for other feelings that were way at the other end of the spectrum. When they had admitted to their true feelings it was like Aelin’s entire world had fallen into place. Rowan was everything she wanted and she had just been too willfully ignorant to see. Thank the gods they had come to their senses. Eventually. 

I will not give you up this time

But darling, just kiss me slow

Your heart is all I own

And in your eyes, you're holding mine

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

When you said you looked a mess

I whispered underneath my breath

But you heard it

Darling, you look perfect tonight

Aelin remembered that night, Rowan had surprised her after she’d been deep cleaning her house all day. It was the first time that Rowan had seen her so dishevelled. Her cheeks had burned, he didn’t notice, just sweeping into her kitchen to make dinner. They had sat outside, eating on a blanket, and after Rowan had pulled her to her feet to dance under the night’s sky, the cooling grass beneath their feet. 

The backing curtain rose, revealing a small band to accompany Rowan and his guitar playing. The music swelled to new heights and Aelin was reminded of just how much she loved this song.

Well, I found a woman, stronger than anyone I know

She shares my dreams, I hope that someday I'll share her home

I found a lover, to carry more than just my secrets

To carry love, to carry children of our own

Unconsciously Aelin’s hand drifted to her stomach. It was an unconscious gesture, but how could she not when he was singing about that. 

We are still kids, but we're so in love

Fighting against all odds

I know we'll be alright this time

Darling, just hold my hand

Be my girl, I'll be your man

I see my future in your eyes

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

When I saw you in that dress, looking so beautiful

I don't deserve this

Darling, you look perfect tonight

When the instrumental bridge began Rowan stopped playing, letting the backing band have their moment. Confused, Aelin sent him a questioning look with a raised eyebrow. He just pulled his guitar over his head, walked over and handed it over to Fenrys. Before Aelin could even ask aloud about whatever was going on right now Rowan had taken her hand and spun her into a dance. Fenrys’ laugh was audible and she knew they must have looked quite the sight. It was hard not to melt into his embrace, which came to her so naturally in this moment. They were still on camera, and they had images to maintain. Her the larger than life social star, he the cold and callous musician, although with this break in character Rowan’s was very quickly unravelling. Aelin knew this song by heart, he’d played it for her enough, so she knew when he had danced too long for that standard interlude, but the band covered him.

He did dance her back over to her spot by the stage before it was too obvious that he was stalling and took his guitar back. Rowan was effortlessly able to join back in, his voice impassioned as he started the final rendition of the chorus. 

Baby, I'm dancing in the dark

With you between my arms

Barefoot on the grass

Listening to our favourite song

I have faith in what I see

Now I know I have met an angel in person

And she looks perfect

I don't deserve this

By the gods he did. With everything that he had been through and what he had given to Aelin without question, he deserved every bit of happiness they had together. As her thoughts ran off the music slowed, Rowan closing out the song, strumming the last few chords himself and ending it on a truly acoustic note. 

You look perfect tonight

The applause was deafening, and Aelin joined in. Like he always did, Rowan went a little shy when accepting the adoration being rained down on him. His cheeks went a delectable shade of pink and he nodded at the crowd who just kept clapping. Aelin gave Fenrys a jab in the arm to get him moving off camera and out of the way. Knowing the camera was now on her, Aelin put on her signature teasing smirk, clapping as Rowan approached. Gods damn him, but he held out his hand like the gentleman to help her up the miniscule steps. His back was to the camera, convenient as he scowled at the towering heels she’d chosen to wear today. He would say they were a safety concern, Aelin was adamant they made her outfit.

They sat in the arms chairs, sinking into the plush cushions. Their eyes were on each other while they waited for the commotion to die down enough for the interview to start. Rowan must have made quite the impression because it took the QUIET PLEASE flashing longer than usual for the audience to follow the instruction. When they finally did Aelin grinned. 

“How dare you interrupt my monologue,” she said. 

Rowan had assumed his cool and aloof demeanour, and he just shrugged. “That song was more heartfelt than any spiel you were about to give.”

Aelin gasped. “Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed.”

In fact, she’d woken him up with soft kisses that had led to more, and he’d left bed in the best mood possible. 

“Now that song,” Aelin said, drawing out each word. “It’s a love song, and from those beautifully written, heartfelt words, it feels like it might have been written about someone special.”

“If you have a question, Aelin, just ask it,” Rowan challenged. 

She lent forward, the thrill of the game exciting her. “I have many questions. First, what can you tell me about this,” Aelin waved her hand flippantly over her shoulder, where she knew a photo from Rowan’s Instagram was being shown.  “I showed this post a few months ago and I can tell you there were more than a few broken hearts in this studio.”

A murmur of agreement rippled through the audience. Aelin shot a glance at the picture, admiring the large emerald set in a gold band. Rowan couldn’t have done better in picking the perfect engagement ring for her, Aelin had hated that she hadn’t been able to wear it and to show it off. The only public admittance of their relationship was this photo and because it only showed Aelin’s hand she had remained anonymous. There was just the widespread devastation that Rowan Whitethorn was officially off the market, the media sent into a tizzy because no one knew who his mystery woman was. It cost them both an exorbitant amount in NDAs but somehow they had managed to keep it all out of the public eye.

“My favourite comment is this one: WTF But you and Aelin! I shipped the two of you so hard. You’ve broken my heart,” Aelin read. “How could you break their heart like that, Rowan? Have you no compassion?”

“I don’t know how people can see the way we interact and imagine us together,” Rowan said.

“Shipping is the word you’re looking for,” Aelin explained. “You may be too old to be down with the lingo, unfortunately.”

Rowan scoffed, selling his arrogance. “I could say the same about you, I doubt kids today know what the word lingo means.”

“At least I’m not as old as you,” Aelin threw in a little bite to her words to make her anger believable. “I have that going for me amongst all my other admirable and desirable qualities.”

“If you say so.” She saw Rowan fighting his smile but he kept his composure in the end. “You just like anything that draws attention to you. Never mind how ridiculous and unfounded that attention might be.”  

“I see falling in love hasn’t done any favours to you manners,” Aelin teased.

“Maybe it’s just you, Aelin. You seem to make it your mission to make me as nasty as I can be." Rowan sounded both impatient and offended, a practised tone for him.

“What can I say, I love to ruffle your feathers. And It’s not my fault they’re so easily ruffled,” Aelin countered. “But I should at least offer my congratulations. An engagement is one thing but I’m more interested in what comes after.”

A video played on the large screen behind the two of them, the song Rowan had just sung playing again in lower quality with just him and his guitar. Aelin watched the grainy video footage, seeing him dressed in dark pants with the buttons of is white shirt rolled to his elbows, the rest of his features were blurred by the terrible quality of the camera work. His stand out feature was his voice as he sang to an unknown figure. The heads of the guests obscured the view of who that was, the only thing that was seen of her was her hands dancing above her head for a few moments. Fenrys had done a wonderful job purposefully terrible camera work.

There were some murmurs from the audience as they put together the other pieces of information the video showed them. It was more than clear what this delightful snippet was from, but Aelin began the dance anyway.

“That looks like you’re at a wedding,” she said. 

“My own, in fact,” Rowan confirmed. There were a few cheers at that, the news wasn’t new. It had been hard won but they had managed to fully control what information had gone out about the special event. “You should know, you were there.”

This time there were a few surprised gasps and muttering of what. The animosity between Aelin and Rowan was notorious, and although some tabloids tried to put a flirtatious spin on it it never seemed to stick. Their feuding held more entertainment and money. 

“I wasn’t invited directly, I came as a plus one for a very important guest.” Aelin lent back in her chair, consciously keeping her hands on the arms of it. “It was a magical affair and a wonderful night. I must say though, I think you could  have done better. You’re worth millions after all.”

Rowan’s eyebrows rose with indignant surprise. “Care to elaborate?”

“Well, the venue for starters,” Aelin said. “It felt like a prison inside, all those high walls and artificial lighting. Why were we punished for your success?”

“I’m a private man, as you well know. There’s certain things I can’t compromise on to maintain it.”

“And the colour scheme,” she made a disgusted sound. “So basic. Green and gold? Sounds like the colour scheme for a sports team.”

There was a chuckle from Rowan at that. “I didn’t know you paid attention to such things.”

“You’d be surprised at what I pay attention to,” Aelin said with a flirtatious wink. “That dress. Stunning. Couldn’t have chosen a more stunning piece of art.”

“At least you have one positive thing to say,” even though he sounded completely unimpressed. “She was stunning as ever, even though wedding planning did make her kind of a diva.”

Aelin lent a hand on her chin, a smile quirking up the side of her mouth even though she wanted to insist the contrary. “Pity about that, though I’d say your temperaments match. Or more likely she realised it was your sorry ass that she was marrying and didn’t want you to face the embarrassment of being left at the altar. I think you should thank her for that kindness.”

“Anything else that didn’t meet your expectations, your Highness?” Rowan made sure to add an edge of mocking to his voice, but Aelin could see the mirth dancing in his eyes. 

Aelin tapped her chin, sending a conspiring look to the audience as they sat on the edge of their seats waiting for her next biting quip. “The wine, I would have chosen better.” That held some truth, because Aelin hadn't exactly participated in the trying before buying. 

“You didn’t even drink any,” Rowan said, almost ruining everything by laughing. They would need to wrap this up quickly before he gave them away completely. This man couldn’t keep a secret to save his life. 

“That,” she drew the word out as a warning, “was because I heard it was so terrible I didn’t even bother with it. Now let’s get back to your lovely little song.”

“If you’d like,” Rowan added callously. 

In return Aelin sent him a wry smile. “I understand it was for your wife. A serenade for her on your wedding day.”

Rowan just nodded. There was a call of but who is she from the audience. Host and guest both pointedly ignored it. 

“The lyrics are beautiful, and obviously come from the heart. She must be a very lucky woman to have your devotion.” Then Aelin turned towards the audience. “Who knew Rowan Whitethorn could be such a softy, even his vows had me in tears.”

There was no word of a lie there. As Rowan had declared his love to her, and promised to honour and care for them as long as he lived, Aelin couldn’t keep back the tears. Her father had to pass her his pocket square so she could dab the tears away without ruining her makeup. 

“Over all, it was quite the party,” Aelin said. 

Rowan snuck her a secret smile. “It was.”

“I’d say the party really started once the bride and groom left,” Aelin mused.

“Did it just?” Rowan said in that dry way of his.

“Mhmm,” she hummed, trying not to remember too vividly how they had gone back to their room and really celebrated lest she blush on camera. “Your presence has that kind of impact.”

Rowan had to look down to hide most of his smile as he shook his head at her antics. It really was time to wrap it up before he lost all restraint and just blurted everything out because Aelin teased too hard and he bit too quickly. 

“Where is your shiny new wedding ring anyway? It just about blinded me at the reception,” Aelin said. 

This was the predetermined phrase that would uncover them at last. For nearly two years Aelin and Rowan had managed to keep their relationship private and out of the public eye. They were about to undo all their hard work, but it was about time and most definitely worth it. Bringing their relationship to light would save them from all the speculation and rumours that continuously surrounded them. Not completely, there would always be gossip of cheating and the like, but it would be nice not to hide anymore. 

Rowan shifted so that he could reach into his back pocket and then showed off his ring, holding it between his thumb and forefinger. “I took it off to play, didn’t want it getting in the way.”

Even though they had no idea what they were anticipating, the audience seemed to be holding their breath, waiting for something to happen. Rowan slipped his ring onto his finger then looked right at Aelin. 

“I’ve got yours, too,” Rowan said, this time reaching into the pocket over his heart. There was tittering from the audience, Aelin struggled to keep her face neutral. “I found them on the bathroom counter, I thought you might want them.”

The was a singular, very high pitched WHAT from someone in the audience. Rowan held out his hand to her, palm up with the emerald on full display. 

Biting her bottom lip to stop her grin was futile and Aelin only had eyes for Rowan as she said, “Thank you, but I’d left them there on purpose.”

Rowan was grinning too, his eyes darting down to her stomach. “Why?”

“Well, I couldn’t get them on,” Aelin said casually, risking a glance at her audience who looked like they were ready to explode. “My fingers were too swollen. Tends to happen when you’re pregnant.”

Absolutely pandemonium broke out. Aelin stood, watching as the audience collectively lost their mind and smoothed her hands over her dress, showing off the small bump she had hidden beneath. Everyone was on their feet, cheering and clapping, there were whistles and a few screams. She smiled, caressing her bump affectionately again. It had been difficult but they had managed to keep the pregnancy out of public knowledge. A few of the tabloids had run stories about her looking pregnant but when nothing came of it, they just gave up. Aelin had faced pregnancy allegations every other week for years, this time it wasn’t a lie. She was just too good at keeping secrets. A baby had been a surprise, to say the least, but not at all an unwelcome one. The wardrobe department had a hard time dressing her lately in an attempt to hide the pregnancy and to keep her comfortable. Even more NDAs were handed out over it.

And then Rowan stood too, off script. He swept an arm around her waist and she went willingly into his embrace. Rowan tucked her hair behind her ear and gave her a sweet smile, the kind that was just for her, his eye crinkling in the corner. When he kissed her Aelin let him, returning it fervently. It was probably too amorous for day time television but Aelin couldn’t find it in herself to care—not when Rowan whispered I love you and looked at her like that. 

Once the chaos died down Rowan had been sent off and Aelin had to focus on her real job, Getting through the rest of the show had been a feat. As soon as Rowan had left the stage Aelin pretended like nothing had happened. The next segment had been promoting various popular books, followed by video chatting a school telling them her studio was providing them with iPads. All in all, it was a fantastic show, but now that it was over she was free to return to her dressing room.

Rowan was waiting for her, arm draped over the back of the couch and looking far too good. Aelin tried not to slam the door but her excitement got the better of her. Kicking off her heels she wasted no more time before climbing into Rowan’s lap, grabbing his face with both hands and kissing him. His hands went to her waist, his thumbs brushing over her sides. 

When they finally broke apart Rowan said, “You could have let up a little.”

“I’m still mad about it being a shotgun wedding,” Aelin pulled back and narrowed her eyes at him. “I don’t know if it was the hormones or purely the lyrics but I had to blink back the tears.”

“How is that my fault? You’ve heard that song a hundred times.” Rowan was giving her a look that only insisted that part was not his fault.

Aelin ignored it completely. “And you almost gave it away so many times, like when you told the world I wasn’t drinking.”

Rowan's deep chuckle rumbled through his chest and he urged her closer. “We were heading in a wedding direction anyway. We just needed a little bit of a push. You can’t blame me for getting a little excited over telling everyone.”

His hand rested over her stomach, right over the tiny thing that had given them much more than a little push. Finding out that they were pregnant had accelerated all the plans they had for their future. They didn’t see the point in waiting to get engaged or prolonging the time between that and a wedding. They had chosen each other, and like their vows had said, they were in this together until whatever end. Still, the joke of the shotgun wedding was too funny to let go of, and there had also been the fact she hadn’t been able to wear her engagement ring outside the house. It was beautiful and deserved to be shown off. 

The feeling of Rowan’s lips making their way up her neck drew her back to the present. “I worked it out.”

“Worked what out?” Rowan asked but wasn’t deterred by her shift in topic and kissed her jaw.

“That we most likely conceived on this very couch,” Aelin explained. “You were busy with your tour and I checked the dates and you were only in town for those few days.”

Rowan stopped kissing her to laugh. “Is this a lucky couch then?”

“Hmm, I dunno,” Aelin said, her hand slipping into his hair tugging it just the way he liked. “I certainly like to get lucky on it.”

Rowan groaned, leaning in so that scrape his teeth over the sensitive skin of her neck. “Did you lock the door?”

The words were whispered onto her skin and made Aelin shiver. All resolve lost, she melted against Rowan, sighing as his hands wandered over her body. Gods, she needed him, her blood still thrumming from all the excitement of the interview. And she could feel how much Rowan needed her, a teasing roll of her hips only intensifying the situation. 

“There’s no need,” Aelin said and Rowan pulled back enough to see his face. “To quote our dear friend Fenrys, after all that foreplay no one would even risk disturbing us right now.”

Rowan’s grin was near feral. “No more wasted time then.”

They both moved, meeting in the middle for a kiss that set every fire within them blazing. The couch it seemed, would prove to be more than useful yet again. And like Aelin had said, lessons had been learned and no one interrupted them… this time.

~~~~~

Hope you like that one! I know I certainly did

[letters-adressed-to-the-fire]

So I ended up writing a short essay about the albatross (part 1)

There’s just something about the albatross that’s been scratching my brain since the first time I heard it. Initially, I thought “oh, it feels like it belongs in evermore” (I really love that album), but soon I realized it goes way deeper than that.

Well the song is about the albatross (duh), but to really understand it, there are a few things you need to know. First of all, this particular bird is widely known as a symbol of bad luck, burden and regret. Why? What could an innocent bird possibly have done to deserve such a reputation? Taylor tell us the answer throughout the song, but for a more in-depth understanding, one can turn to Samuel Taylor Coleridge’s poem, “The Rime of the Ancient Mariner”, which was the source of inspiration for this piece.

Gotta be honest, I haven’t read it, not entirely (it’s actually really long). But I did do my research soooo, let me summarize it for you in a few lines:

This is the tale of a sailor who, convinced that an albatross was a bad omen, tragically shoots the innocent bird. As a consequence, he and his crew face a curse. The sailor is compelled to wear the lifeless bird around his neck as a form of punishment. Yet, as time passes and years go by, it is the innocent albatross that becomes a mournful symbol, rather than the sailor who committed the deed.

Now, if you revisit Taylor's lyrics, she narrates this progression through the reprise of different verses:

“Cautions issued, he stood Shooting the messengers They tried to warn him about her”

“Locked me up in towers But I'd visit in your dreams And they tried to warn you about me”

“You were sleeping soundly When they dragged you from your bed And I tried to warn you about them”

Or:

“Cross your thoughtless heart Only liquor anoints you She's the albatross She is here to destroy you”

“So I crossed my thoughtless heart Spread my wings like a parachute I'm the albatross I swept in at the rescue”

Or my personal favorite:

“Devils that you know Raise worse hell than a stranger She's the death you chose You're in terrible danger”

“The devil that you know Looks now more like an angel I'm the life you chose And all this terrible danger”

What I found so fascinating about her decision behind the use of this technique, is that she not only embraces it to move the story forward in an organic way, but she plays with the point of view of the spectator (or in this case, listener) to lead them through all the characters of the story.

In the opening verse, you assume the role of the sailor on the verge of shooting the albatross. You don’t have proof but you know she’s here to destroy you. As the song progresses into the second verse, it becomes evident that you’re now talking with the albatross, or more accurate would be to say that the albatross is talking to you. Contrary to the poem, Taylor is giving the albatross a voice (which effectively serves as a metaphor for herself), and this standpoint will remain for the rest of the song, though with a slight change at the end. Taylor not only lets the albatross tell its story, but she let it be the hero. By the end, the spectator finds themselves in the crosshairs of "them”, the very group they once belonged to. This is the moment where the transformation of the figure of the albatross reaches its peak, as it transitions from a harbinger of misfortune to a beacon of hope, it is there to rescue you.

(obviously there's more to this! but I'll be posting part 2 in a few days just because i didn't want this post to be THAT long lol)

[pliablehead]

Heyo, what do you consider the top 5 must-watch EE interviews???

I AM SORRY I TOOK SO LONG TO ANSWER THIS and I think it's because I really don't have a proper answer!! So much of my deep dive into EE was done in one long hyperfixation spiral back when I was first getting fangirl-level into them, a good 6 or 7 years ago, and so I'm running into the problem of most of the interview content I've consumed all sort of homogenizing into one sort of blur of Lore that I've internalized and I am not doing a great job at separating out into its individual components! So, that said, the following list is probably not in line with what I'd actually ultimately believe to be the best, most crucial ones--it's just the ones my brain can call to mind at the moment. lol. BUT HERE ARE SOME:

serious/insightful: • Jon and Alex for Tape Notes podcast. (so not a must-watch so much as a much-listen, but there are a few individual clips from this on youtube in video form as well I believe.) RDF is my favorite EE album and I thought this was a hugely interesting look into their writing process and also had a bunch of cool personal stuff in it! Plus, I think it's a very good look at who the band are, like, "now" -- there's a lot of great content around from MA up through GTH, but by the time they were on album 4 and all like, 30+, and especially once covid hit and sort of changed the trajectory of like.. bands, in general, I feel like it's just been a different animal re: regular interviews etc. • this 2013 3-parter with Jonathan. It's been ages since I watched it but I remembered it almost immediately, and for some reason I'm remembering it as an oddly vulnerable Jon moment. just talking about things. (more good band lore! etc.)

funny/meme-y: • Mike and Jez at Isle of Wight. Unlike many others, I could not possibly count how many times I have rewatched this, and it is funny every time. The interviewer is a buffoon asking totally clueless questions and Jez is having absolutely none of it, he's just chomping his chewing gum the entire time, Mike's doing his best, it destroys me. • Mike and Jez look at memes. Less interview-y and more just #content but whoever edited this video did a TOP NOTCH JOB and it's one I often show to not-in-this-fanbase friends that can still be a fun look at the band and a good laff. • This very sweet one with Alex and Mike being interviewed by a literal child. Contains the infamous "Jeremy, and yes," which is one of my most quoted EE-related sentences ever • this Man Alive track-by-track, also audio only.. the BITS that Jon and Alex are doing. truly incredible stuff

just lads having a nice time :) : • the CAPSLOCK ON talkback - lots of pleasant band and lyric insight, and a great Jez cheese moment at the end • this livestream dot com session is some performing but some Q&Aing, so not really an interview proper, but the energy in the room is delightful alskdghj

other noteworthy bodies of work: • anything with Andy Backhouse. I'll be the first to admit that Andy can grate my nerves sometimes, he often feels annoyingly a little too simp-y or something, but the other side of that coin is that as a huge fan of the band he actually does always ask them questions that are like, Real, he Gets them, so it's guaranteed to be a notch up from just random music journos who are engaging with them on a more surface industry level. Nothing is more frustrating than watching an EE interview where the interviewer just so blatantly doesn't "get" EE's whole deal and doesn't know how to interface. Andy never has that problem ! • any episode of Chips of Chorlton that features them (I think Jon's been on twice and Jeremy once). Dutch Uncles are their friends and hearing them all shoot the shit in an extremely comfortable environment is suuuuch a pleasant and wholly different experience than when the lads are being Professional Music Band guys, even when the latter still consists of them doing fairly goofy things

A VERY LONGWINDED AND NOT ESPECIALLY COMPREHENSIVE ANSWER ?? !!!!! Ultimately I think I was the wrong man for the job. @hellkitepriest has way more of an archivist's nature sort of just intrinsically than I do, he can probably do a better and less ridiculous job akjdshglak

[jinkookspencil]

bts as musicals

simply put, bts as staged musicals i'm familiar with. a very random list and post i wrote up at 3am. it's not to be taken too seriously of course, and this is just my sleep-deprived opinion and take

namjoon - hamilton

i feel this is self explanatory for anyone familiar with both hamilton and nj

hamilton, entirely self written about a self-made man with the weight of the world on his shoulders who needed to prove himself, all while being completely in homage to rap legends through and through

HELLO????

hamilton is also a musical very centered around loss and i can really see that in joon

loss, rap, and the eternal internal struggle!!!

he'd have so much fun with it but it'd wreck him

satisfied especially

also i hate to make this point but when it comes to the hate that these two receive, sometimes it’s clear that it’s really forced hatred

seokjin - hairspray

the ladies choice amiright ladies?

obviously there’s link, the very attractive man who everyone wants 

who is hopelessly in love with a plus sized beauty <3333 so jin

jin has often expressed his love of being “unserious” and we all know he can be like that mostly on camera, but he definitely has that more serious side that really is the basis for his character

isn’t that vaguely reminiscent of hairspray too though?

we often think of it as this unserious musical but it actually has more layers than one might remember, discussing prejudice, body image, individuality, self-image, integrity

i think all of those things matter a whole lot to seokjin 

yoongi - les miserables 

fuck the system 

really, all about rebellion and revolution 

but also let me break your heart a little

and let me make you remember that you’re actually living life

very similar themes across both yoongi’s solo work and les mis - injustice, class, tragedy, loss, to name a few. while also being so sympathetic towards its varied characters, reminiscent of yoongi’s sensitivity and mindset

shit think of how yoongi might react to 'i dreamed a dream'

hoseok - wicked 

I think jack in the box just solidifies this as my pick for hoseok tbh

because there’s the childlike wonder side we all see and know (wizard of oz, j-hope of bts)

but then everything that surrounds it and the real story behind it (wicked, jitb)

both wicked and jitb offer a look into a “character” we think we’re familiar with, but it turns out we really aren’t

when we finally see them tell their story in their own words

elphaba struggles with her “role” and so does hobi, literally spelling it out for us in jitb

they both feel trapped, and thus reclaim and reinvent themselves 

It’s a very identity-focused musical/album that still links back to prejudice in our world, too and "where they fit in"

jimin - chicago 

sex

chicago is a look into fame/celebrity and corruption and ambition, and i think jimin has quite strong values when it comes to that

to me, it seems as though he finds those topics very interesting to think about

and also, how that all intersects with sexuality and gender

it feels like the crux of what chicago is as a musical but also who jimin presents himself to be

taehyung - west side story

i wanted something that’s a bit of a more classic musical for taehyung, and out of the ones i am familiar with, wss seemed the most fitting (tho i have a sneaky suspicion that one of the ones i am *not* familiar with might be more him)

taehyung is a romantic and, like nj, he almost romanticizes his losses and spends time looking back and reflecting on his own relationships and even his relationship with 'love' as a whole - layover proves it

so of course wss makes sense, the dance numbers, the longing, the risk of it all, the fact that it's story about "the power of love"

i think it'd leave quite the impact on tae, if he hasn't seen it yet

despite being a retelling of romeo & juliet (which tae would LOVE) wss also set the precedent for many musicals to come, much like tae did. looking back, it was very innovative for its time in so many different ways

musically, it's very taehyung. i could see him wanting to do covers of the songs. maria, tonight, and something's coming (he'd always go back to this song)

in every iteration of it, it's also very cinematic and very personal at the same time, which means it is very taehyung

jungkook - grease 

I didn’t WANT to pick grease and feed into that stereotypical ‘bad boy jk’ idea

but like i can’t not

and it’s not so much that it is representative of who jk is as a person

except aesthetically (the dazed cover is proof)

but that i can see jungkook himself enjoying the musical numbers and poking fun at john travolta, imitating him in his dance moves

i think he’ll particularly enjoy “you’re the one that i want” and might develop some sort of ‘corruption’ fantasy of turning a good girl bad

this might be me projecting that i want jk to do to me shhhhhhh

oh and he will go through a phase of calling his car “grease lightning” and sing the song every damn time he gets in it

yeah it'd be hard as fuck to get jk to get rid of his john travolta impression

[maybemoonout]

if you were to put together a milex starter pack, what would be the top moments you’d include?? love your blog btw! 💗

Hi there anon! I'm so sorry it took me so long to answer this, there's just a lot going on right now for me so I only really found the time to answer this now! I hope you don't mind and still see this T_T

A starter pack sounds like such a fun idea! I want this to be sort of a bite sized post that allows new people from the fandom to find a little bit of everything they need to know. I think that's a good idea, so I decided with that!

///

To get started, I wanted to link this post by @i-m-a-leaf-on-the-wind who made an AMAZING full blown post proving milex and it's wonderfully detailed and full of interview moments that start from the true beginning. A GREAT read if you need something to get you started!!

Some of my favorite moments that I got from that post are:

— Alex Turner on ‘Hot Press’ (x)

— Miles Kane, Les Inrocks Magazine 2016 (x)

And many many more from that post, it's also a great place to collect gifs since it has a lot, just remember to credit @i-m-a-leaf-on-the-wind !!

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Another GREAT post to read about their relationship is this post by @paperlovesadness that discusses Miles and Alex's relationship as the definition of Twin Flames. It's INCREDIBLY detailed and has sources for all the interviews mentioned. It's honestly such an interesting study, the definition of twin flames, even outside Milex, so please do give it a read!!

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More great reads for this fandom are song analyses! You can find tons just by searching, but personally I have read all the song analyses of @yellowloid and @paperlovesadness, and I love them A LOT. I also have a few of my own, just check out my #ask !!

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@puppetsspace started a Milex Timeline of events but it only ever made it to 2007, I don't know if anyone else made a bigger timeline but this is still a great blog to check out for the early timelines! My favorite one there has to be this post where Miles sees Alex for the first time and he looks in awe. Very sweet!

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@yummilexhub created a full blown collection of the entire EYTCTE Tour!! A great place to get sources and clips!! please check it out here!

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Now for some more fun stuff, if I had to choose my favorite moments it would be really... difficult. I have A LOT in mind and I honestly can't pick just a few so I'll try limiting it as much as I can.

---

1. The Iconic Øyafestivalen 2016 hug

Need I say more? Miles HIMSELF posted this moment, so it's not surprising everyone loves it, including meself.

2. The Iconic Coachella Kiss

This is honestly my favorite for 2 reasons:

[edited] I was unfortunately a slave to the internet but I originally said here that they were really banned but really its just a rumour!! I hears the guy handling coachella really wasn't happy with the whole thing thoigh, still funny lmfao

It was the one of the few moments that were the closest to a kiss, there are a few others but this one is the most popular and most iconic because again of said reason in #1.

3. Sharing Clothes

This ones not really a moment but a collection of moments. I find it EXTREMELY FUNNY that whenever people do those "boyfriend style" things on Alex, you see the regular array of ex girlfriends or current girlfriend, and out of nowhere, it's just Miles HAHAHAHHA. LIKE IT'S FUNNY AS HELL. I find it kinda sweet that Miles is somehow the... consistent out of all of the styles, like no matter the era of Alex there's gonna be a moment where he shares clothes with Miles, compared to the others who obviously only ever share with him in one period. I guess that's the perks of being the best friend?

Some examples:

Striped Shirt

Leather Jacket

Fred Perry Cardigan

4. The Albums being called "their baby"

This one is a little more of a stretch because I've only ever seen it one time. In this interview Alex says "for the past 8 years we've considered...trying for another baby" then they both start laughing hysterically. It's funny and cute :)) If anyone ever sees a different moment where Alex and Miles call the albums their babies, please do let me know!

5. I Want You (She's So Heavy)

These gifs explain themselves I think

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I honestly can't think of more on top of my head right now, if anyone wants to add more please do! I'll definitely add more later but for now, this is my starter pack!

I hope this is a good little collection of stuff for you guys to see a little bit of everything!

[patrickztump]

hello fall out boy fans who sim and simmers who listen to fall out boy, i have a build for you all:

i spent the last few days creating a little home where every room is a different album or ep (soul punk and truant wave included, as i made too many rooms. oops), even the exterior has a theme. i did use a cluster of packs but it’s limited to six, and none are expansion or game packs, so hopefully everyone can place it fairly easily.

ea id: stumpymatic lot name: 412 Phoenix Valley RD

everything is based off visuals and vibes, but i do believe a large chunk of rooms will get the point across. the common thread between them all is that this is a home for plant lovers! every room, minus the basement and kid’s room, have at least a couple plants.

a breakdown of the rooms + their themes and additional photos below the cut:

basement (take this to your grave): this one was a bit hard for me because tttyg isn’t one of my top albums, so i ran short on visual references, but i do believe i got the vibe down just enough. the general basement atmosphere helped significantly. ironically i added the boneyard fish tank without any thought to the theme.

MAIN FLOOR

living room (american beauty/american psycho): this is arguably the most normal room in the house. abap to me is very bright with warm yellows and cozy greens, its summer. tried to tie into the lyrics of “the kids aren’t alright” with the bear chair and photos of (what i presume) those long gone.

bathroom (pax am days): the thing about pax am days is while it’s fall out boy going back to their hardcore roots, they are in a mature state as individuals and an band. so this one ties back to the brick walls of the basement, but classier. it’s also just straight black. because i love dark bathrooms lol

kitchen (mania): this one was hard, and i erased everything i previously typed because i had a different idea and reworked the entire room. the new version is more cohesive than the original and spacious. small references are the obvious purple wall, but also a glass ceiling over the breakfast nook for "i hope the roof flies off."

dining room (soul punk): this one is definitely more stylized and i actually love it a lot, probably my favorite room. i just picture parties where the attire is formal but fun happening in here. if you place this lot for any reason whatsoever, please let it be because i spent at least 20 minutes making the boxes off the album cover out of individual neon lights.

SECOND FLOOR

main bedroom (folie à deux): this was like mania in as much as it was kind of a bad decision, but i think i made it work. references: color (obviously), butterfly photo ("disloyal order"), baseball bat ("headfirst slide"), mirror ("pavlove"), black dress ("tiffany blews"), and of course, the gnome in the bear outfit (which i affectionately call the "folie gnome" and try to remember to place in most of my builds).

master bath (truant wave): this is all color palette vibes. i just kept picturing the cover and love a brown toned bathroom with pops of green. but also the lights over the sinks, so you can have your own spotlight.

hall bath (so much (for) stardust): again with the black bathroom theme, but this time with pops of pink and touches of yellow. plus dog art! gotta have dog art. used the string of pearls light fixture again because a) love plants, and b) bubble-like.

kid's room (infinity on high): was absolutely bless with the photos that came with this album. it's not exact by any means, but it's similar. no sheep or grasshoppers in basegame, but we have a couple llamas and some ladybugs for replacements.

teen's room (from under the cork tree): to be honest this was a struggle to find the right vibes with the wallpaper and paints, but i ultimately like it. references: made sure to use a bed with proper bedposts, yes there are 16 candles on the dresser, postcards, and more!

shared bathroom (lake effect kid): this one is like the master bath, color vibes more than anything.

EXTERIOR

landscaping, etc. (save rock and roll): of course i saved my favorite album for my favorite part of building <3 lots and lots of red, layers upon layers with the flowers. apple trees to tie back to the videos for "young volcanoes" and "just one yesterday," as well as the pickup truck, and of course a fire pit*. all tucked away within a classic picket fence – which is the entire reason i created this, had "miss missing you" in my head then thought to myself, "i do love the picket fence in the sims.." and here we are!

*the fire pit that should be functional (it's one i pulled from another build i made and it did work), just have you sims light the tiny fireplace in the middle.

(the halls are very generic, to give the illusion that this is a normal house lol)

just a photo of the dining room because i need you all to see the boxes aksjfs

a few final notes:

• place with move objects ON • packs used: – my first pet stuff – backyard stuff – romantic garden stuff – desert luxe kit – blooming rooms kit – holiday celebration pack

info again, for those who made it this far: ea id: stumpymatic lot name: 412 Phoenix Valley RD

[whiskeyswifty]

putting this under read more so if you don't know how to be normal about a discussion of reputation (the album) or ariana grande (if you choose to read it'll make sense, i promise) you can just keep scrolling

i had an epiphany today when thinking about the artistic exercise of Eternal Sunshine, ari's new album, which was not an epiphany about it's execution. that much is very clear and i enjoyed very much upon first listen, but if you want a refresher is this: after a very publicly broadcast and discussed personal scandal, the dissolution of her short-lived marriage and her appearing as the romantic entanglement in someone else's marriage dissolution, the interested general public was hotly anticipating her next album. they had expectations that she would discuss/confess/air her dirty laundry about these events, as she is a semi-autobiographical and confessional songwriter and performer, at least when it comes to her most prolific personal affairs. these expectations were brought to higher levels of titillation when she named the album after the titular movie, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I won't get into the plot as you can use google if you don't know and didn't have the pleasure of having your brain exploded as a teenager watching that in a college dorm room, but everyone of course anticipated the relationship that she would be exorcizing from her memory would be that of her ex husband. Ariana, knowing full well this is what people were going into her album expecting, decided to play with these expectations in a particularly fun bait and switch game artists of all kinds are known to do on occasion. first with the lead single, which is an interestingly offensive approach, scolding news and media outlets for talking about her life and judging it without knowing her. then if you've listened to the album, you of course realized very quickly that while there are a few songs where she starts off by giving the audience what they wanted (be it the bad behavior anthem the boy is mine or ex diss tracks like boy bye and the title track), the lead single was perhaps more of the central focus of the album after all. Songs that begin talking about liars and breakups soon weave contradictory elements in (wait she will wait for their love? i thought they broke up? situationship? weren't they married?) and depending on your self awareness, at least by the end you realize that perhaps a large chunk of the album was not about her jilted lovers or current messy romantic life, but about you. the fan, the critic, the audience writ large. songs like true story where you think it's about her lying ex husband, but by the time you get halfway in, you realize oh wait... perhaps its about more than one thing, or something else entirely... perhaps the ones "fantasizing about her demise" and the ones who "pay to see play the scene" are her audience. to whom she is biting and vindictive in her martyrdom, being whatever the public wants her to be so she can keep that love, because attention is still love in the eyes of a pop star. songs like we can't be friends play with that expectation that you think it will be about her ex husband or the early stages of her sneaking around with her new beau, but no, it is about how fraught her relationship is with her fans and audience. how pop stars do not have actual "friendly" relationships with said fans because of how fickle and superficial they are, how little these fans/audiences really know her at all due to the triple-paned window between them, but how desperate pop stars are for the love of those hands pressed against the glass. she slips in these fraught emotions and turmoil amongst the gossip you gobble, a little sugar to help the medicine go down in a way. But not too finger wagging, as often it's hard to tell what the song is truly about. all you know is it's not as simple as "my ex husband sucks." She knew all eyes and ears would be on this album and toyed with the listener to the point where she got them to listen to her airing her grievances to them about themselves, pay her even to hear it. a delicious little feat.

and of course by now you know where i'm headed, which is we know someone who did something quite similar. had a public scandal, understood the expectations of her, a singer/songwriter, releasing an album after said scandal and toyed with the expectations of that audience with that album. one she cheekily named reputation, doing the opposite of what ari did. where ari played into the promise of a gossipy album about her relationships but turned it into a confessional meditation on fame and the ups and downs of what it's like to be a popstar, taylor promised that discussion by titling it reputation, but her bait and switch was that she ended up telling you gossip about her new relationship. like ESotSM, reputation does dabble in what was promised up front, but as gleaned by listening yourself and as proclaimed by the artist herself, the album ultimately was more interested in gabbing about her newfound happiness where you expected fraught sadness.

this is not a discussion about which one is more "successful" if you can even quantify that. you can't really, outside of capitalist metrics which as we know are not arbiters of taste or quality. (and personally i'm way more interested in hearing the rarely revealed musings of a pop star wrestling with the way they've shackled their self worth to public opinion and fame, rather than hearing some girl talk about another one of her boyfriends. so it's no secret which one i find more artistically stimulating lol). but more of an epiphany that these two women, under similar duress of having their narratives taken from them, lives judged without any grace given, resorted to the same tactic. regaining control in what small way they could, luring people in with the bait of gossip and pop stars self flagellation that they so cravenly desired and force feeding them something else once they'd waded too far in to turn back. startlingly self indulgent and vindictive for someone who's job it is to appeal to as many people as possible, which makes it so curious to me.

Most interesting to me is the conclusion of both of these creative and pseudo-therapeutic endeavors. While taylor claimed to have found peace and refuge from the thirst for public approval (although you could argue that metatexuauly, the release of an album about it, the subsequent massive tour, and her obvious devastation on grammy nomination day as depicted in MA say otherwise), Ariana comes to a similar conclusion in her three closing tracks. first, i wish i hated you which is the piece de resistance in this experiment in dubiousness, as it offers two readings impossible to irrefutably confirm. a song that quietly and beautifully speaks about a dissolution without any obvious wrongdoer or wrongdoing. just a natural drifting apart and how hating them would be easier than accepting some things just don't work, no rhyme or reason. in what sounds like one take, refreshingly tactile in sound and her breath catching towards the end, is this ariana bearing her truth about her divorce finally? confessing that sorry to disappoint, but there is no "tea" or drama, just two adults who weren't right for each other and mature enough to know that and part amicably? or is this about you? us? the pursuit of fame and the connection to an audience she tried so hard to achieve and enjoy, but has realized that it just isn't right for her? her choice to step back and away from the love she has come to want so desperately, but knows isn't good for her, despite not being able to find it in her heart to hate her fans/audience as much as she secretly wants to? It's followed up by imperfect for you which argues the opposite. is this about her new yellow rectangular beau who takes her with all her flaws as she is? does she feel understood by him and has found peace in him? or was the previous one truly about her husband and this one is about her fans and audience, who she feels love her despite her messiness and bad behavior and imperfections, to say the least? are they both about the audience? or neither? they allow room for both, purposefully so, and she's taken to not really talking about in detail it at all, perhaps an answer in and of itself.

the closing track ultimately ends in the same place as taylor. less of an answer but a discovery of peace with the reality of it all. for ariana, ordinary days is once again elusive in it's subject, as it talks about how she has found comfort in the subject with whom there are never going to be "ordinary days." is this a person? her family perhaps, as her grandmother is pointedly featured at the end? or is this once again about her fraught relationship with her fans, for whom she can credit for making no day ordinary ever again, as they have made her extraordinary with their adulation and love? and is she saying for better or worse, happy or sad, it's never ordinary and that's what makes it all worth it in the end? her grandmother's speech that caps off the album is rather contradictory to everything ariana has done in her romantic life thus far. among other things, she says "I mean, I could have packed up and left a million times, you know? It's not that we never fought, you can overcome that, you know?" We just listened to a whole album about how she did leave and didn't overcome the problems in her marriage.... or did we listen to her talk about her relationship to us, the listener, and how she didn't leave fame behind and despite the turmoil, constant and never ending and never tipped in her favor, she is choosing to overcome it every time... once again?it's hard to know as always with art, but it's a path laid out for you to choose as you wish. another question to answer the initial question on the album that she poses in track one, less to us and more to herself. She asks "How can I tell if I'm in the right relationship... If the moon went dark tonight and it all ended tomorrow, would I be the one on your mind?... and if it all ended tomorrow, would you be the one on mine?" Her and taylor (when they point to the pictures, please tell them my name // i'm still trying everything to get you looking at me) and Beyoncé (the legacy, if it's the last thing I do. you'll remember me) and all anointed pop stars probing the same question. not asking us if we will remember them, but asking themselves if the pursuit of that immortality is worth all of it, the self-crucifixion of fame. is this what they're going to choose? is she going to erase us from her memory or are we going to be her great love despite our fickle nature and the guaranteed pain and suffering? The album, much like the movie, offers no clear answer as to what the right choice is, or that she's even capable of being someone who could dole out such wisdom, but ultimately decides maybe there is no choice at all. we can't go back. we are all moths to one flame or another, forever changed by what we do and what we become. a non-answer that i had never really thought about before, that instead interrogates the very question as something worth asking in the first place. which perhaps it isn't. we do what we do because we must, so at least don't do it alone.

[aliensubstance-011]

Timeline of events - Band AU

I want to get the timeline straight in my own head AND have it written out somewhere as reference... so where better than where everyone can see it as well!!

So- things kick of with Richie in middle school

Richie's Mom falls into a coma, and Richie moves in with Paul

He has his emo phase, and Paul buys him his bass

At this time he also sees Lex and Ethan who are ~2 years older than him

We move onto highschool- Junior year

Richie befriends Lex and Ethan (reluctantly) and hangs out with Hannah

Near the end of Junior year, Richie meets Peter and Ruth, they all become friends

Richie stops hanging out with Lex and Ethan as much, but still meets with Hannah/comes over to babysit regularly

Highschool - anywhere between the end of Junior year and the beginning of Senior year.

Richie starts smoking

Lex and Ethan drop out

Highschool - beginning of Senior year

Ruth and Peter discover Richie can play the bass, the three 'decide' to start a band

ensue fucking around for a good 3/4 months

Highschool - Mid senior year

Steph befriends Peter! Which leads to her befriending the rest of the Nerds as well

A few weeks later, Steph catches Peter writing lyrics and has A Moment

Steph discovers the band and joins in! The band forms structure and starts to actually produce songs

Max spots Richie playing and develops his one-sided attraction towards Richie (Similar to his 'crush' on Grace, though Richie does not return any feelings other than fuck you, Max.)

Max lays off the Nerds and starts 'flirting' with Richie (still, fuck you, Max)

Steph "convinces" Richie to stop smoking

Highschool - End senior year

The band- Now named Witchwood Worms- produce an album. 'Hatchet Town'

Its fucking BANGER and Hatchetfield goes mad- though the identities of Witchwood Worms is not revealed

(Paul knows. Paul is very, very proud. Ted does not know. Paul wants to gloat so bad)

'Hatchet Town' songs are played during prom- which the Nerds are allowed to go to

and Max notices that it's Peter who is singing- Max approaches Peter, attempting to be nice and compliment him, but fucking up somehow. (Pete is also giving feelings of, fuck you, Max)

Steph knocks some sense into Max- He needs to back off and sort his shit out instead of picking on people and flirting with Richie (because she noticed that, Max. fuck you.). Max rethinks his life decisions

College years (~3-4 years?)

Our main three Nerds go separate ways, but keep in touch. They'll meet again in Hatchetfield after they graduate.

Steph and Max stay in Hatchetfield

Steph goes to the community college to study Music Production

Max rethinks his entire life, fully accepts being gay and starts going to therapy. Steph approves, and starts talking to him. Gives him a second chance, or whatever.

Richie stops smoking fully!

Post College

Our trio return, freshly graduated and little baby adults.

Peter and Steph have this gross reunion and everyone else just stands there like. gross. including Max.

Everyone (bar Steph and Max himself) goes OH SHIT MAX. FUCK YOU, MAX

Max apologises and starts working towards making it up to the trio

Witchwood Worms starts to officially produce music- mainly as a side-hobby while they follow their dreams in Hatchetfield.

It gets POPULAR, and becomes a semi-fulltime thing

Max will always be their #1 forever and ever

[mastermindmp3]

Guilty as Sin? addresses the idea of emotional cheating, about longing for someone outside their current relationship. The speaker describes being in bored in her relationship, and fantasizing about a guy that she is texting* while her lover likely does the same**.

*In my romantic pirate heart, they're pen pals paramours as opposed to texting troublemakers. He "sent" her Downtown Lights, which could easily be read as being sent a streaming link, but I want to believe he sent her a burned tape. **As I've previously said, The Tortured Poets Department is an album in conversation with itself. The mutual emotional infidelity is only really implied by the speaker's questioning her right to be upset within Guilty as Sin? but is made clearer in other places throughout the album. Whether you allow other songs to affect your reading of the song is wholly up to you..

Diversion aside, I think the song touches on this theme very well, and I trust my fellow Department members will provide insights on the song's preferred reading in today's meeting.

In the reception theory of reader responses, a preferred reading is the audience understanding and agreeing with the author's (or producer, or lyricist, etc. ) intended vision for their media. Reception theory also says that readers can take oppositional and negotiated readings. Oppositional readings reject the author's stance entirely, while a negotiated reading may agree in part or whole, but still have their own "take" on the media.

Guilty as Sin? is intended to be about emotional infidelity. For the past few days, I have been analyzing the songs through their preferred reading. Today, I would like to destroy all of that, and present to you my Oppositional Reading of Guilty as Sin?

I know, very well, that the reading I am about to present is not Swift's intent, and indeed, I may be a koi swimming against the river's current. This post is not meant to be me saying that the song is my reading. I am within opposition to the text.

(I guess that technically makes this a negotiated reading? semantics—)

I am about to commit the cardinal sin of reading queer themes into a straight author's work. Crucify me if you please, but do so with the context that I acknowledged that this reading is not "canonical," to continue being biblical about it.

To reiterate, because this is the "how dare you say we piss on the poor" website. I do not believe that my reading is the intended reading of Guilty as Sin?

So:

When reading queer themes into straight work, I feel it is impossible to not draw from personal experience. This post is about Guilty as Sin? but it is also about me. It is about what growing up queer in the rural American southeast is like. It's hard to detangle those things.

I present to the department: A case for Guilty as Sin? as a song of queer longing. Half analysis, half personal essay.

On the surface, I feel this reading can be very simple. When the whole refrain is how can I be guilty as sin? and hegemonic Christian society deems queer love, queer living as sinful, the connection doesn't feel like that hard of a jump. The song travels through its religious theming, through the shame, through hushing yourself with the idea that thoughts don't count. The speaker works through those pains and repressions, so that she can come to the revelation:

What if the way you hold me is actually what's holy?

What initially got me thinking about this song in a gay way was one of the opening lyrics. ( Well, no, what initially got me thinking this was listening to it as I was writing fiction, but hush. )

This cage was once just fine.

As a bisexual woman, there was once a time where I really, truly, thought to myself that I would never come out. It was fine, to be honest. I still like men, so I just had to pray that my one big love was a man. That way, I could protect myself from my family’s imagined negative reactions. I don't think this is a unique experience, either. Particularly in the south, we hold ourselves in for the comfort of others, and our own safety.

I cannot speak for everyone, but I feel like that fear of rejection is common amongst the people I know. It leads to caging our feelings; locking bits of ourselves away from those who once knew us so closely, in order to preserve their original vision of us. As perfect, straight sons and daughters, as kids who would grow into the molds set forth. And for a while, we can hold together like this, the cage is fine. 

But parrots pluck their feathers when kept under lock and key, and so too do we. 

I dream of cracking locks, throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks.

Doesn't it feel like that? The first time you consider telling a parent, or any loved one, that you're not what they imagined. Like you could be dashing your chances at life. The image brings to mind that of suicide, of a “I can no longer live like this.” People thrown to the rocks do not survive impact, and often are disfigured, beyond recognition. It's such a visceral image for a song filled with longing. 

This song is textually about emotional infidelity, obviously, but I think it can also be about the longing we hold for the "unallowed." How we can both feel such beautiful love and hideous shame about the same thoughts. Repression is a funny thing, to smother the want can only make it come back harder, stronger.

What if I roll the stone away? They're gonna crucify me anyways.

I said that the Christian imagery is part of what made me think of the song as queer, and I stand by it. A lot of queer art deals with the trauma of religion; the idea of being guilty for the way you simply are, for the way you feel, naturally, drives one to consider the opposite. What if our way of being is holy. I'm particularly brought to mind Fipsi Seilern’s Portrait of Virgin Xtravaganzah (and the portraiture's subject - Virgin X - by extension.)

The connection is not hard to make; masturbation, the song’s main premise, is seen as sinful, as is infidelity. And so, too, is being gay. They are shamed the same way in conservative Christian society, as if they are of the same level.

In a way, it's very Christian of me to take a religiously charged song about emotional infidelity and make it about same gender attraction. On the level of infractions to the Christian hegemony, same gender attraction may be worse, truly, than infidelity. That to touch another man or another woman is worse of a crime, than to betray the trust of your opposite gendered partner.

Y'know, as a kid, I used to get nosebleeds every time I entered my family's church. It was high in the mountains of Tennessee, and I was prone to them anyways. It was my first experience with the hemming and hawing of Christian southern women, tsk'ing at me. I think we stopped going when I was like, ten, partially because of it.

And I look back now, and think about all these things I have learned since then. The pain that Christian dogmatism, that bigotry has caused, to me and the communities I love so dearly. Still causes, in the name of saving our souls, or more likely, extermination.

And think about bleeding every time I crossed the threshold into holy ground.

Does that make us all guilty as sin?

Nah. Any guilt we feel is only a consequence of the spoon fed hatred, and certainly no fault of our own.

( It is interesting, that this reading absolves the narrator of the song, where the original text is more ambiguous as to the level of infraction that the Speaker has committed. The answer to "How can I be guilty as sin?" here is more clear, especially to this specific audience. Swift's modern demographics trend towards young, leftist, and AFAB. Additionally, there's probably a whole essay in that idea itself, how queer people are treated with the same ostracism as adulterers. Going further, why are these "sins," a state of being and a social infraction, grouped with far greater transgressions in the Christian consciousness. Were I not a Biology student, that idea alone would be an excellent thesis topic. )

A defense of the idea of Queering Straight Songs:

When my family drove up the mountain to church, I listened to my Fearless disc on a pink Sony brand CD player in the back seat. How often are our first imaginings of queer love to straight media? Through characters or through idealized versions of us or through the music we're allowed, we find ways to feel queer love like sidewalk dandelions. Some call them weeds, but we all know they're flowers, beautiful and beloved, capable of coming back year after year.

We live in an age where queer stories and queer art are so visible, where we can look at Queering the Map and see all the places we are. And will continue to be. And have always been.

I think, in a way, claiming this song about straight infidelity as queer longing is almost a full circle moment, for me. In a time where queer liberties are at risk, we are still so loud and visible. It's nice, in a way, that I don't have to do this.

There are so many wonderful songs about this same longing, about locking your feelings up and bottling them away, by queer artists, even in this same genre. I don't have to stretch to see myself in these songs. They're radio play, they're opening Coachella.

( Also, protect small queer art. Protect bad queer art, too, while we're at it. We are so lucky that so much of queer lives are available at our fingertips, but without archival and protection, it can also be lost. )

I wouldn't say queer people are braver than we've ever been - that's a disservice to the people before us. We have ages of proof that this music, this art, has existed, and repressing it cannot stop it. We aren't any braver than our ancestors, just more widely seen, and more widely heard. Queer music, thanks to the internet, and thanks to wide, social pressure, is louder than ever.

But that doesn't mean we still can't queer the straight music we love too. This entire post (essay, can I call it an essay?) is about reception theory and seeing yourself in the other's work. It's a time honored tradition to make a song about yourself, to make it gay - I played Lover on violin at a lesbian couple's wedding, and my uncles danced at their wedding to Endless Love by Diana Ross.

I leave you with a final story, based on my favorite lyric.

What if he's written 'mine' on my upper thigh, only in my mind?

This line, in particular, made me feel many things, a rush of nostalgia and warmth. I've claimed many celebrities to be my bi awakening, but the first time I remember being attracted to a girl was at the Speak Now tour. She was a bit older than me, maybe 14, and sat across the aisle. Mid-show, she helped me write my favorite lyrics on my arm in the pitch black of Bridgestone Arena. I had seen the lyrics on Taylor's arm and got so excited about the idea, but my mother didn't have a sharpie. She did. In sort of loopy handwriting, she put, "You made a rebel of a careless man's careful daughter" down my right arm.

With purple glitter glinting off tanned, grinning cheeks, with her Speak Now glowstick hovering over my arm, I don't remember her name, or even if I asked for it. But she was so kind, crinkling eyes black as obsidian, twinkling the stage lights in their reflection, and made me realize exactly why that lyric resonated with me so deeply. How it was what I wanted to be in the future.

And I could see my future with her, or him, or them. And it is impossible to untangle Swift's music from that.

It's all empathy, all the way down. The kind of empathy that, I am not sorry to be corny and say it, Taylor Swift's music begs you to have. To take these songs that are very much written from her perspective, and see our own experiences mirrored through them, that's what her music asks. To see that we are not all that different, and to connect. How rare and mundane human connection, how we rip out our souls to achieve it. Swift's talked about it extensively, the catharsis of spilling ink, putting pen to paper and voice to recording all in effort to be seen.

I think that's the big motif: I feel seen by Guilty as Sin?, I felt seen back then listening to these CDs. That's the sorcery of storytelling. As an adult, who is so comfortable in her bisexuality that I flaunt it, I still like to do these oppositional readings, to see myself in songs not made about me.

And that's why Guilty as Sin? is, to me, a queer longing kind of song. Even if it isn't.