#its not crack its adderall

[ohbandera]

coffee x protein shake combo is GOATED

[transmutationisms]

tbh ik i just made a crack abt them but prescription amphetamines are a really good example of how ppl will mystify the pharmacological properties / effects of a drug solely because it has a dr's note & diagnostic code attached lol. like everyone understands that cocaine is an upper, it doesn't inherently make you Productive capitalistically, it just makes you Up and that can result in many different types of behaviours. yet drs will talk about like adderall and shit as though it's the magical Brain Cure Do Work Pill and ppl are just going to pop it and turn into a perfect little worker bee, bc of the power of Science. it's like, very funny to be in this sort of medico-cultural moment w a drug that started its prescription life as a weight loss pill lol. but it is also extremely frustrating as both an indicator & a reinforcement of psychiatric discourses about ab/normality that rely on load-bearing metaphors, mechanistic fallacies, and plain old, um, bullshit in order to continue defending their professional and pecuniary interests & biopolitical remit. kill the psychiatrist in your head, use uppers if you like uppers and not bc you got advertised to lmao

[qsycomplainsalot]

Re: Pervertin or how German Supersoldiers High on Crack travelled through Space and Time Buy my Book

I came across a post on the bird site yesterday calling into attention the use of pervitin, more or less adderall, among German troops during WW2. For context pervitin tablets were indeed issued to a lot of military personnel back in those days, specifically to aircraft pilot and sometimes tank crews on long missions. The drug as some of you may have heard keeps you awake and alert, along with a slew of side effects and a non negligible chance of addiction. In a discussion that brought to view just how willing people are to buy into Nazi propaganda in the year of our f*cking lord 2023, I pointed out a few things, uphill and having to indulge a lot of sidetracking. The use of pervitin has always been a little overstated ever since it came to the internet's attention, and I certainly would never call it a key component of the Blitzkrieg when, in the theaters of war where actual Blitzkrieg was employed, its success was more due to a combination of innovative doctrines, intact fuel supplies and a big fat helping of dumb luck. It was a bold move highly relying on capturing enemy fuel depots with fast, surprise deep strikes supported by a lot of armored and air forces, and it was only sustainable in neighboring, industrialized countries. One can argue if the USSR was industrialized at the time, but it stopped mattering when the Russians removed their entire industry from the West to beyond the Ural mountains. The Blitz stalled there.

"But if it didn't work, then why did the Nazis do it so often ?" Well the answer to that is twofold. The first, longer answer is that Nazis were a bunch of f*cking morons. Maybe not one by one, but as a government in charge of military procurement, they were one bunch of goofy motherf*ckers. Gaggle of functional shit-for-brains really. The Nazis gave every one of their tanks in the middle of the war two coats of anti-magnetic paint, which took almost a full day to cure, despite being the only major nation to use magnetic antitank mines. The Nazis kept using slave labor drawn from their prisoners of war, including in the manufacturing of their overengineered armored vehicles, resulting in poor quality products or, you know, a few rivets in your magnificent Tiger tank being replaced by a cigarette butt. The Nazis spent more than half the cost of a strategic bomber on every V2 rocket, not including design costs, for less than half the payload. It ended up killing more Germans and slave workers than British people in London, for literally no strategic or tactical result with 0.4 person killed per every rocket. The second, shorter answer is that pervitin was not used that much. A lot of the arguments trying to boost its importance come from a single book, "Blitzed" by Norman Ohler, now available in twenty languages apparently, where grand claims are made by a historian who was probably more than a little tired of seeing Buzzfeed rack in the big bucks instead of him.

End note; I was called out by a bird siter after the conversation that inspired this post for even beginning to fact-check this, which they considered, and I quote, "fangirling over nazi stats". I cannot stress this enough, learning the 'bad' parts of history does not make you bad person, it is how you interact with the resulting knowledge. Unlike what they implied, I had to look for those supporting evidence. I had a hunch that such a grabbing headline about super-drugs would be fake, I knew offhand that V2 rockets killed more blues than reds, but when I had to research all that jazz about Nazis and their superweapons it was to dunk on them, not make another History Channel documentary about a time-travelling bell. Stay critical, fascists can eat shit.

[floridakilo]

ive never smoked crack but ive accidentally ate meth twice and i had my powder coke moment freshman year and i was prescribed concerta as a child and i ate that adderall off the library floor and i also had a molly moment the summer before college started but i dont rlly like stimulants...like its not that serious

[ransomnote]

i am being dragged through the sand by a dead horse named adderall that has no idea it's dead and has been for weeks. it stinks like death, its flesh is sloughing off, it hasn't stopped for food or water for weeks, and yet my foot is still in the stirrup, dragging me behind it for miles and miles. i tell it "adderall, we have to stop, the sand stings and i need to go to sleep," but adderall doesn't stop. adderall can't even hear me. if adderall stops, it will look down at its hooves and see the cracking and purification. it will realize its dead and then i'll be crushed underneath its rotting horse corpse when it falls. i wish it would. i wish it would. if i could reach for my knife and cut my foot out of the stirrup i would. but it seems like the only way to stop is for adderall to stop and if adderall stops we both die.

[daenystheedreamer]

i‘d love to hear some more of your throbb thoughts this can be as serious or unserious as you‘d like you can cast them modern au keeping up with the baratheons if u want. i personally like them because the shipname is funny it’s not the biggest reason but enough to be significant

KISSES youre so right the ship name is so stupid i love it. like its so embarrassing and i hate even writing it out but it is so funny. ok in my current modern au conception, the greyjoys are the mafia because that’s really funny to me. sometimes i imagine them with italian american accents. anyway they end up getting put away for tax evasion and Catelyn the Lawyer agrees to take in balon’s weird girlson theon and basically signs her death warrant doing that because her life will NEVER be the same.

if i were to have them as celebs à la barannisterdashians. hm. one funny idea is the starks are one of those 20 kids and counting shows and even though theyve only got 7 (5 biological, 1 adopted, 1 foster) theon counts as like 10 kids because he’s so chaotic.

ok now funny throbb compilation

theon finally gets prescribed adderall but he immediately starts selling it and its only found out because theon actually starts paying for dates and robb is like 🤨 something is off why aren’t you freeloading....

theon will kiss girls to make robb jealous but usually robb just pretends to be and then buys the girls chocolates after with a card like Sorry My Boyfriend Is Insane Its Not His Fault

robb has a pregnancy scare when hes like 17 and during the fortnight where its up in the air hes soooo worried about telling theon and he finally cracks and theon’s like yeah cool so long as i dont have to touch the fucking gremlin. and robb’s kinda miffed that theon isn’t being weird and jealous and theon’s like ??? who cares we were on an off-week and im your rock wife. and robb is all like what. what the fuck.

[hometownrockstar]

im in full posting mode now the adderall kicked in. You know, the little therapist in my head told me that I'm "emotionally repressed", but only on the outside and not the inside. Like i have my feelings and i think about them constantly, i just dont tell people about them or express them because i dont see the point and also talking about how i feel is a downer people dont like that. But anyways for a few months now (I dont remember time) ive been in like a constant blank stupor where either I am very small and stuck in the crack between the bed and the wall and in a flight state where i believe something bad will happen to me at any moment (its more specific but I wont say what it is), or im out and in autopilot mode where im an observer to my actions as they play out and my channel has terrible wifi so my mind and words are lagging behind, OR im playing games with my friends and im normal now.

[riverpatel]

NOV. 24TH-26TH, 2022. Ends at the Half Moon Motel.

notes & tw: drugs, addiction, suicide mention, anxiety, and depression. after going to the hospital on wednesday, river attempts to clean up their act and ultimately fails falling into darkest depths of their downward spiral and ending up in a motel room alone. mentions @trixstone @bowie-leblanc @fox-lennox and @mothazeri

it’s a disease, it’s killing me and it’s winning....

They made it home Wednesday night and managed to dodge too many questions with a string of excuses and ‘I’m fine’s. It was just the food, they just forgot to eat. That happened before, right? Days they were sober. It wasn’t bad. They were in control, it was just a rough day. Tomorrow will be better. That’s what they told themselves before they popped the last two pills in the bottle, not even bothering to look at what kind or what strength they were. Something to quiet the noise and go to sleep.

“Tomorrow will be better,” they whispered into Trix’s chest when they wrapped themselves into their arms for the night. That day had been a failure.

River had walked that road before, played the game of trying to stay clean. Even when they were rationing, they would tell themselves that today they wouldn’t need another benzo or opiate to put them to sleep. They didn’t need the adderall or the coke to get them through the day. Sometimes it would work, too. A few days would go by and everything was going great. Then like a floodgate it all got loud, sharp pains stabbed into muscles at random and the overwhelming feeling of nothingness washed over them. Instead of working through it or going out to the people they were already an excessive burden on, they took the easiest route and dug out another benzo or an oxy and made it quiet again. Slept through the pain and woke up needing something to motivate them past the depression caused from yet another failure. That way no one could tell something was wrong. So they can pretend they were still sober and life was peachy.

That was how it had gone for the last eight years. A series of failures and pretending to be okay. Constantly trying not to drown in the urges and the sadness and the pain and black void that just kept growing inside their chest. Refusing help because River knew if they told them, if they looked them in the eyes and told them what was going on inside them or even that they couldn’t stop with the stimulants and the opiates, that they thought they had a problem still…. they knew that everyone would leave them. How could they look at them when they couldn’t even look at themselves?

Thanksgiving was a success. River was mostly sober for the entire day and spent it with their people, laughing and eating and filling the house with all the best noises in the world. Love. A house full of love like it always was and for some reason darkness still found its way in through the cracks. They took their last pill that night, crushed it up on the nightstand and sucked it up into their nose. After such a good day they got it back in their head that they could stop. That would be the last time they did anything and no matter how bad it got, they would get through it because they weren’t alone. Tomorrow would be the start of a new River, a River that would not give into temptation but would find a way to overcome their demons on their own. Everything would be alright. It’s weird how quickly that mindset could change.

The late morning peeked through the curtains and stung their eyes. Already they didn’t feel well. A shower felt a little better but things still felt off. Regardless, they remembered the promise they made the night before and didn’t look to see if there was anything left over to curb the feeling. Not even their thc pen. Instead, they got dressed and kissed the love of their life goodbye before going down to the shop to work. The whole day was a haze filled with intrusive thoughts and low grade fear every time Fox or Bowie looked at them. For no reason beyond sheer paranoia River was convinced one of them knew something or they both did. It took several times of convincing themselves that neither of them were judging River. Why would they? But they couldn’t stop the thoughts from piercing through.

You’re worthless. You can’t stop, they know it too. You should just leave. What good are you to them? They’re just going to leave when they find out what you’ve been doing, just leave them first. You’re the problem. You’ve always been the problem. A burden. You’re the reason Trix got addicted, they blame you and they should, you ruined their career. You ruined it for Fox and Moth too. Made Bowie come to Bradford Springs away from her family to start up some shop that barely makes it half the year. You ruined all their lives and you should just go, just go. River go.

Their leg shook and their face twitched as a tornado of thoughts spun round and round in their head. Finally it was too much, they couldn’t sit still and without a word they went back up into the apartment. Straight to their room to find something, anything to make it go away. They dug through all of their hiding spots to keep coming up with empty bags and bottles. River left them scattered through the room like a trail of disappointment. A shiver racked its way through their body. “It’s okay, it’s okay. You got this just find something else to do it’ll go away.” River mumbled the words to their reflection and pulled a hoodie to go finish the day. Which they did and waited for Bowie and Fox to go before taking some money from the till for the night. They would replenish it, they just needed some money for the night. It was their store too, right? What was the big deal?

The plan was to go dancing, that always made them feel better and shut off their phone so they weren’t distracted by anything. It did a little bit of good, but the shaking got worse and their head felt like it was going to explode. River was sick. Covered in sweat and they felt like they were going to throw up. They pushed their way out into the cold night air and started walking. Their feet brought them the wrong way but they knew where they were going. Right to that familiar trailer and this time when they offered them something stronger, they didn’t say no. “Fuck it, right?” It was either that or they were scared they would end up killing themselves before the night ended. The pain was unbearable, like every nerve ending was stinging and piercing needles into their skin from the slightest touch or the wind blew.

River bought way more than they needed and it was obvious at that point that any hope they had the night before was gone. They took the fentanyl and went straight to the Half Moon Motel. In their room, phone off, with tears streaming down their face they looked in the mirror. “I’m sorry I can’t do it. I can’t. I give up. I’m done trying. It hurts too much. I’m sorry.” They squeezed their eyes shut and let out a wavering breath. Boot in hand, they slammed it against the mirror until it broke, angry at themselves for the words they spoke. For giving in again and admitting they were a failure. River wiped their face and went back out to the bed, grabbed the hardcover bible left in every room and prepped the first pill into a powdered line, took it, and fell back on the bed. It wouldn’t be long at all until the numbness washed back over them and everything felt better again. They would stay there until it was all gone, River just wanted to stay numb forever and as they drifted to sleep a part of them hoped they never woke up.

[boredandmedicated]

Blaming the DEA for the adderall shortage does nothing

I am in my 20s and have been diagnosed with ADHD since 2008. Taken stimulants since 2008 with brief periods of trying nonstimulant medication in hopes of not needing to take stimulants anymore. I’ve been on adderall since 2016 and never had an issue obtaining my prescription until the past few years. Now, I blamed the DEA at first. Couldnt fathom why they wouldnt just raise the fucking quotas. Surely it isnt a supply issue. But as time goes on I honestly understand why more and more. Not to say I agree with it or LIKE having the stress I get every month, nor am I saying the dea is blameless here- seriously, they certainly arent blameless, okay? Dont take this to mean that.

But in large part this is because of the original, extremely loose standards surrounding an adhd diagnosis in, say, 2000-2005. Kids could get a diagnosis and a prescription for doing shit that normal kids do. Not wanting to read a book. Wanting to play outside. Normal kid shit. There were a substantial-though perhaps not a majority- of parents who obtained a diagnosis for their children like so despite knowing that their child did not have it. There were multiple reasons for this, though from anecdotal accounts it seemed more common for kids aged 12-17; whereas parents with children under 12 years old seemed (again, anecdotal, not statistical) to be seeking that diagnosis as an easy answer.

Prescriptions were booming and the kids were predictably not getting better after being given adderall- in fact, many were WORSE, unable to sit still entirely, having been given an amphetamine that just boosted their energy and didnt help with focus at all.

Following the realization that this was because a lot of kids that were prescribed adderall and diagnosed with ADHD did not, in fact, actually have it, the measures for prescribing and diagnosing ADHD were significantly tightened up. One requirement I recall is that an in-person visit and evaluation was required before any diagnosis or prescription for adderall. This would continue until COVID, when they declared a state of emergency. This allowed people to bypass the usual requirements for obtaining adderall and an ADHD diagnosis- so, no in-person, lengthy evaluation and comprehensive exam with a questionnaire, puzzle-type things, and verbal questions with open ended answers.

At the same time, as COVID quarantine extended beyond the original short-term that people were expecting, people were realizing quarantine fucking sucked. It is hard for ANYONE to work at home as they normally would at the office. Flexibility is incredible at home, but people were going stir crazy. And many attributed that stir-craziness, either validly or less so, to undiagnosed ADHD. ADHD became “trendy”. Platforms like Done would advertise on tiktok and twitter with little videos about how easy they make getting a diagnosis, how quickly they can get you adderall, how its all online. How with quarantine in place, it can get you where you need to be, easily diagnosis within an hour, a prescription within the week.

As a result, as shown by this graph (somewhat), there was a significant jump in adderall prescriptions for young adults aged 22-44.

I dont know and cant say how many of these are attributed to misunderstanding normal human behavior with ADHD, as opposed to valid diagnoses. I can say this: Adderall is not a joke, and abuse of adderall, people seeking diagnoses because they just want the drug itself, thats not uncommon. Its not uncommon for any drug. The DEA will not risk another drug crisis after crack, and especially during the fentanyl crisis now- and not to mention, tranq on the rise.

For that reason, I think blaming the DEA is a fruitless endeavor. We should be focusing on things that we CAN do. One idea I’ve had is, maybe we could make nonstimulant medications the first line of treatment. Wellbutrin, for instance. Nonstimulant medications tend to work much better prior to having any stimulant medication treatment for ADHD anyways. And bringing back the in person evaluations and lengthier diagnostics. I really do understand the classism arguments made about that requirement. But I think its honestly necessary. It is much harder to “fake” or “exaggerate” ADHD symptoms during an hours long in person evaluation, than it is to do so on an unmonitored, five question quiz and a 20 minute zoom call.

Taking adderall without needing it is not only selfish, but also, harmful to others AND yourself. Heart issues, anxiety, lack of appetite, and the “focus” doesnt work the way it does in people with ADHD if you take it without needing it. Not to mention, longterm stimulant use in someone without ADHD, when that person stops taking it, withdrawal symptoms from it can look remarkably similar to actual ADHD. Then we get stuck in this perpetual cycle. And frankly, Its not fun to wake up and see posts from people who made fun of me for my ADHD in elementary and middle school, suddenly glamorizing their own sudden onset ADHD and posturing as though theyve had it all along. Especially when I know theyre the ones contributing to the stigma that not just me, but many people face today when trying to simply… get the medication we need to do work at an even remotely functional level. And even more so when I know that shit is why doctors are hesitant to even recognize an adhd diagnosis as valid anymore. They see any adult with adderall now as the epitomal pill pusher, pill seeker, addict that just got a fun little upper to stay up and be energetic.

So yeah. Dont just blame the DEA. It is people too. Its people you know, sometimes even your friends.

And, you can acknowledge the bad ones without dragging the people with valid prescriptions and true intentions through the mud. So if this post doesnt apply to you, i promise im not talking about you.

[tweakin-journal]

*this is not to encourage drug use, don't blame me if you bite off more than you can chew

I wanted to make a side blog to document my experiences on crystal, starting this two weeks after my second time smoking.

Background things for context: I had done a bump once as a teenager ( bad choices lol, snorting glass is like snorting glass. And it burns so bad and will give you the worst headache ever.) I have been a daily weed smoker for years, have plenty of shroom experience, used to im ketamine daily, haven't had any in about 2 years, plenty of danphetamine experience, mostly Vyvanse and Adderall that was proscribed to me for adhd that I would occasionally do recreational doses. I've had several experiences on molly and bean at parties, coke hanging out on occasion, crack once ( doesn't last long enough to be worth the money or the feining), smoked spice once did not like it, got stuck on benzos for a month when I couldn't get k, worst withdrawals I've ever experienced, I stay away from that shit. Spent a lot of time cycling with alcohol, when it was at its worst I would cut myself off when I would call out from work or if I couldn't go 24 hours without getting shakey, havent had to do that in over a year, mostly because ive been working a lot and had other goals. Played around with whippet some. I think that covers my past drug use. And I'm a 24 year old cis woman.

How it started, my then bf now husband had found his mom's bubble, fuckin charred on the bottom like someone ad just taken a torch and burned through that bitch, with a lot left in it. He cleaned it, got super super horny, I left work used some flex time so I wouldn't miss the sex crazed window. About a month after that I bought a light gram from a dude ik from the bar who sold mostly heroin. He got too hansy, i could have over powered his short ass but I wanted the crystal so I let him a little before cutting him off. Went home thinking it wasn't worth it, my bf had started to act kinda feiny about it that scared me too. But those regrets and anxiety didn't last long.

First time smoking middle of January:

We started at 10 o'clock I was a little underwhelmed at first, it took about a hour and several hits to get the rush, but I had been having trouble holding it in. Got really horny watched porn and fucked for 17 hours, stopped smoking around 12 hours, at 13 hours I got kinda bored of the porn but was still very horny I was kinda couch locked. Throughout this time I was in and out of the shower we had been using Vaseline we Doordarshed for lube and I was enjoying washing it off and feeling the water, elite showers for sure. I wasn't able to cum by body just kinda got used to the intensity it ended up dulling out but before it did I had the most intense sex of my life. Must have spent hours giving head, got experimental picked up a few new tricks. We talked about porn and different things we like and don't like about it, we got more intimate than we had been and we were already really close and comfortable with each other, been together for 3 years, with a close friendship before that. We were porn locked and at about 2pm on Monday we got a message from his mom his brother that they and his niece was coming over, enter paranoia and panic cleaning mode, there was olvie oil everywhere sex toys everywhere sheets had to be taken care of, but we got it presentable in time. They came through and we someone manged to not get noticed, even was able to force ourselves to eat McDonald's which sucked. They left and the porn came back on and we kept smoking. I stopped at around 5 trying to give myself enough time to be OK to workTuesday. Took a shower at 6 and got the rush again, right back up. By 9 I was coming down and felt too tired to jerk off but too horny to sleep. By 12 he was smoking on the leftovers in the bubble by 3 he was hitting nothing and being a fien. I was just about asleep when he started to have a panic attack because he was coming down and starting to feel his heart rate and blood pressure and some unrelated nerve damage on his arm that has history of triggering panic attacks. So I stayed up with him to do what I could. I had to leave at 9 to go to work, and it was brutal, I was exhausted and sore and headachey and standing up with the blood pressure wasn't fun at all. At around 11 I had done some physical labor which warmed my body up and I got high again but not so much that my pupils were fucky. Made it through that day job in tact and got to sleep that night. Didn't experience any cravings for about 2 weeks after I had recovered from the come down

The high itself surprised me I felt so relaxed, the euphoric rush lasted about 15 mintirs and the high itself went on forever. Once I got past the coming down I immediately started planning to smoke again in 6 months

[ez-ra-zed]

My accounts are deleted so I'm documenting this information on my public journal, so it exists somewhere outside of my brain

I modded r/noids in highschool with u/Borax and a dead friend of mine, u/PVSuperfiend or something. nobody was more important than my homeless friend from Alabama nick, who i let mod r/LSA until u/Borax removed his crazy ass just like Jusing removed me from r/adderall for telling people to use kratom when they ran out of adderall, for their ADHD, because he was scared by a single case report of kratom and adderall. yeah, my homeless friend nick, Gully Spark, ergot shaman in the modern day who uses morning glories and tropane deliriants too. he mods r/ergot, its private nowadays because he doesn't mod reddit well - nor do I, which is why i don't care my second account u/Ezemeze got banned for talking about Israel after being made a mod of r/Deliriants, just like I deleted my first account u/Ethan_1001 after being made a mod of r/Psychonaut

I was also a chat mod for r/Stims and modded r/Xanax until it was made a redirect sub for r/benzodiazepines

I am a drug reddit mod

That's my story of why first generation, not LATER generation, synthetic cannabinoids will hit the legal drug market in states with legal cannabis

And I told the CIA, they don't care I just say things to them anyway cause it's legal

It's also legal to use the DEA to investigate the drug trade, of which I am willing and will continue to do when I have a plausible idea related to the drug trade being weaponized, bruh

And the NSA. they don't care either

I haven't worn thin on the DEA though!

And y'all just be like ".....okay....?"

they, them, the secret services whenever I tell them some bullshit random thing about my life within a mix of real horrifying truths about reality. Because Americans don't realize the secret services want to hear things sometimes, and don't care the majority of the time

THIN ICE SOUNDS GOOD WHEN IT MAKES THAT CRACKING SOUND, when there's no cold water to fall into underneath, its just an icey puddle dude

My Slavic Santa Doll. Santa's were originally Slavic amanita mushroom shamans. He reincarnated into my life because I remembered them, as this haunted doll that I made my family think was haunted by moving it around my grandparents "haunted" house

He winks at me sometimes, his eyes become animated for schizos only

My doctor Ayobami Ojutalayo is a Kenyan prince

I met a Luciferian Vampyre Pagan 1%er who said the CIA infiltrated the 1%er motorcycle gangs and thought I was the antichrist

[motochiri]

a list of terrible things that happened to me today bc i am filled with unadulterated rage and vitriol rn <3 - woke up 20 minutes late - skin mask i did last night literally melted my skin off - was late to work obviously - the opening cashier called in so it was just me and my boss until my co-supervisor & 2 cashiers came in an hour later - it was busy the whole fucking time - system went down company wide for like 20 minutes at both peak traffic time and my lunch time - when i finally got to go to lunch the traffic was horrendous & i didnt even have time to get a beverage - bitches were driving IDIOTLY and trying to cut the line like i will murder you <3 - barely had time to eat my food & didnt finish so it basically went to waste - went back to work and it was still busy - was embarrassed to be seen bc my skin was literally cracking off my face like............................... - salespeople were being hella impatient like U SEE IM BUSY BITCH - got switched from vyvanse to adderall bc of the cost and its......... not doing shit i was EXHAUSTED the whole day and i got 7+ hrs of sleep??? - it was finally decently cold outside but hot as fuck inside so i was once again sweating in my uggs - got stuck at the BANE OF MY EXISTENCE ASS TRAIN by my house on the way back home and it literally was STOPPED ON THE TRACKS FOR 30+ MINUTES HOW IS THAT LEGAL - tried to go around aka wasted gas <3 and made a WRONG TURN AT A DEAD END - bestie im trying to move in with is slow playing about finding a place bc shes boujee as fuck for no reason and refuses to compromise so my lease is about to expire and the rent is going up $300/mo - these shithole apartments require a 60 day notice to move out so im gonna have to pay $1300/mo + all my other bills or sign another bitch ass lease - she is not empathetic to that at all bc shes not in a lease or paying rent rn so it doesnt affect her - am now spiraling bc why the fuck is life like this like who decided this shit was The Way To Live - ex bf didnt answer my calls on the way home bc he passed out drunk on the couch soooo had to carry all my shit in by myself ANNOYINGGG - gonna kms <3

[sporadicarbitergardener]

October 9 , 2023

That is another thing about yesterday that was annoying. My exboyfriends friend is in the army and he comes over only when he wants to smoke weed. Well he is married and was even talking about how he is checking out other girls as well while working. Coming in my exboyfriends house talking shit to me calling me crack head because I only did meth 9 months total being honest thinking it was Adderall hwen it wasn't I am sitting here thinking. " this man has no idea its treason to smoke weed while still being in affiliations with theusa Marines." Then he lied syaing I talked shit to his face before when i never did this man told me two times I could die literally to my face. My exboyfriend is wanting to attack me about his feelings from our past and him ,him, him. Not understadning i was just sexually trafficked two times in tywo months and also fucking abducted, lost my kid and now I have to deal with a retarded white boy army dude who thinks he has power when he doesn't might send an email to his job about him letitng his friends steal as well. Also being told by my ex boyfriend when he is angry saying to my face. "You know what you deserve, to be beatened todeathand raped, maybe that might make you love me more. " His name will be given out after I give more context about the situation also he recorded a video of us having sex without my permission and posted it to porn hub laughing in my face. Not knowing that is a charge as well and I can sue hiom but I am keeping a blog and diaries about this becasue It is so nice to get more abuse and constantly being spoken to like shit everyday when I took care of him paid the bills etc. He even gets mad when i move my body becasue he doesn't think I should have full control of my body movements either. His father is a registerd sex offender as well and well behind closed doors you see alot. #abuse #blog #diary #facts #presenttime

the man is sick. Really needs help. Pray for me.

[starlightkun]

lmao i saw this on my dash and was wondering if you felt this way

https://www.tumblr.com/16woodsequ/727490027584667648?source=share

cause you rarely write drabbles, everything you write is like full fic length and takes longer and i see you posting little progress updates and little notes about each fic without spoiling. as someone who likes to talk (may or may not be the adhd idk) i cant imagine being in your position like WEREWOLF SUNGCHAN! EXISTS! IN MY MIND! AND ON THIS DOCUMENT THAT YOU CANT SEE! BUT HE'S REAL!! HE'S REAL TO ME!! like how do you do it? having no one to scream to about your fics when you're writing? and having to wait until its completed and uploaded to have people to talk about it with? like especially with all the crack fics you're writing atm, i would be BURNING with the need to show people how funny your writing is

p.s. medication update: im going to switch from methylphenidate to dexamphetamine tmr because apparently im intolerant to ritalin and i think you're on dexamphetamine rn? im hoping that i see some benefits from it. btw your success is keeping some of my spirit and motivation up despite how abysmal ritalin was for me so thank you for posting about how Adderall was for you i really appreciate having someone experiencing meds alongside me 🫶🏻

-✨anon

link

LMAO sometimes that's me and sometimes i'm writing and i'm like "im never letting another living human see this abomination im writing rn this is the worst thing i've ever written and the only penance for what i've done is to throw myself off a cliffside" like there is no in between im either SO EXCITED FOR IT AND ABSOLUTELY LOVE IT AND AM SO AKSEGKJHKJGKTR or i think it's awful and consider deleting it almost immediately after like this scene for changer2 im writing rn like literally as i got this ask (im not gonna delete it but she is gonna b HEAVILY EDITED)

it's fr so hard having werewolf sungchan AND hockey player sungchan BOTH IN MY MIND RN LIKE 🤪 screams everyday i put on my uniform to go fight in the idgaf war on the side of gaf 🫡🫡🤪🤪🫡🤪🫡🤪🤪🤣🤣🫡🤪🤪🫡 lest we also not forget that single dad kun is in here too and some other fellas that yall dont know abt like its soooooo bad in here for me

sometimes i contemplate posting random one-liners or snippets when i write things that make me teehee extra hard or r like rlly 🔥🔥🚨🚨🚨 but i always get worried about spoilers versus teasers soooo i keep it locked away all to myself and maybe go a lil crazy idk who's to say so i do more vague type stuff like talking about how there's a 2.6k makeout scene without posting any actual lines from it, or saying that one of my favorite character bits that i think is genuinely super funny is in dr. magic but not saying what it is, etc., etc., OR also doing ask games like word in a wip where y'all can try to get some lil snippets from me (which i feel i am always very generous with lol)

p.s. to ur p.s.: very happy to hear that you're getting switched off the meds that weren't working for you! i'm on "amphetamine salts" (generic adderall) which is a combo of dextroamphetamine and levoamphetamine, but pretty much yeah it's the big one in the amphetamine class of adhd meds. it has a sightly different effect than dextroamphetamine alone since it has levoamphetamine as well, which lasts longer and can produce better results in some people (pls go w ur dr on this im not giving medical advice omg just what i learned in my psych classes and the information i've been given). i actually just saw my dr today to check in on how i was doing on the adderall (reg check-up appt). i was rlly worried bc the initial good results i saw in the first days were practically gone after like the first week and i was practically back to normal (i.e., bad. my kitchen is a fucking mess again) and when i told him that he was like "lol that's fine! that was just the trial dose! so we can up you to a normal dose now since you saw good results at first" so hopefully i'll be functioning again 👍 so i love this for us 🫶 rooting for us 🫶🫶

[vvatchword]

Imagination Nugget

So I went to a ketamine retreat. This shit ain’t cheap. I went into yet more debt just to do it. But my therapist told me that people come out of it with long-term benefits. See, I have what they call treatment-resistant depression, otherwise known as “I have seen the face of god and he wasn’t that great”. It is a reverse high. The Reverse Uno card of mental health. The thing that happens to Lovecraft main characters when they see the true nature of the universe. Y’know.

The retreat was held in a turn-of-the-century house downtown. Gorgeous old thing. Enormous 8-foot-tall windows, original glass and clasps, wonderful porch that directed breezes oh-just-right, Grecian portico for some reason (?). (Just goes to show that you can have money and no taste in any time period.) Cracked me up that I was lying on the drawing room floor getting high with a bunch of strangers. Man, imagine how pissed-off some Victorian grandmadam would be about that shit. “You were doing WHAT in MY drawing room?!”

I was only nervous once and it was because there were eleven people crammed in 300 square feet and I was about to caveman-spongebob right out the window.

Can I ask y’all a question, though

Is it possible to engage with drugs holistically without all the touchy-feely stuff? Or the strange religious overtones? Because I felt pretty silly. I could tell one of the other people there was also super not into the tone. Like you and me buddy, you and me both. And the thing is, I see why they’re doing a lot of it. I’ll take the meditation but why are we burning sage and must there be crystals everywhere? They had one of those baked amethysts sitting on a table--you put an amethyst in an oven and bake it a while and it’ll turn yellow so then you can market it as citrine. I’d even rather have the bad painting of the jaguar on the second-floor landing than a hospital setting. But also... like... they talked about the trip as a journey. You know what I did? Sink into my own brain and have the zoomies. It wasn’t a journey, it was a house party with me as the only guests. I didn’t see any visuals and I was always aware of where and when I was. Ketamine, like THC and Adderall, slows time down for me. Also, I became a brain in a meat popsicle. That was fine. I loved it.

I started it out thinking, “This shot ain’t SHIT.” I quickly ended up with, “This shot ain’t... oh shit oh shit cooooooool byyyyye” Buzzing waves flowed up from the bottom of my brain to the top over and over and over and I was just the happiest damn human being who ever lived. I started getting worried about the fact I wasn’t worried, then thought “Nah” and floated off doing mental backflips. I thought about my brother at one point but I wasn’t even mad. I was like “Yep there he be” and cartwheeled outta there. At one point I realized I could conceivably let go enough to achieve ego death. I wasn’t afraid of it; I just didn’t want to do it. So I didn’t. I just played with all of my toys in my own brain. It was like I was given permission to ignore the outside world and all of my fears and worries completely, which happened to be all centered around my physical motherfucking body and where it is in space and time and its relationship to other human beings. Also, at that point I had paid an ungodly amount of money for a clinician to look after my prone drooling form, so I was able to surrender literally every care on Earth and go sprinting after every mental earworm I have ever had. Story idea? Sure! Think about what I can use this for in my story? Sure! Imagine how pissed off the original owners of the house would be that I’m doing this here? YESSSS

I am told I just lay there completely still, which is great, as I thought I was lying completely still. Because I lay still, I was offered a second dose, which means I got MORE KETAMINE. Just like in real life, people never know that I’m actually having a party inside of my own brain.

“Are you okay?”

“yyyyeaaaah :)”

“How do you feel?”

“Good :)))) Izzz powerfullll”

“It’s powerful? Would you like more?”

“Yezzzzzzz”

and you know what

I GOT MORE B))))))

Man drugs are great. Who’s gatekeeping this shit? Give me this shit. Every day. Give me all this shit. 

One of the things we had to do was go into this ceremony with an Intention. What did we want out of our trip? And I just said, “Honestly, I just want to go with the flow. I don’t care. I want to see what happens and I just hope I get something good out of it.” Out of my laundry list of psychological hangups--which included despair, unbelievable rage, suicidal ideation, deep and inconsolable grief--you’d think I’d have found something. Nope. The element that stood out to me wasn’t even on my fucking list.

I realized how much I loved retreating into that specific part of my brain to play with my toys in my imaginary space. And what’s more, that’s totally possible without any drugs at all. I had such a powerful experience there that I can show you where it fucking is just by touching my head. It’s still buzzing as we speak. I realized suddenly that I hadn’t been giving myself any time to go there. I had always gone there in childhood, but the older I got, and the more concerns I picked up, the less I’d let myself retreat to that space. It wasn’t because I felt ashamed of it or anything; it’s because it’s so deep and internal that it takes my eyes off the road, as it were. If I sink into that place too deeply I can get into real trouble lol--I’m talking about walking into traffic or a wall or something--and I don’t feel safe descending into it when there are people around--and at some point I just fell out of the habit of going there. 

I described it to my attending physician as an “imagination nugget.” She insisted on calling it a “gift.” Look, you can’t go to a gift. You can, however, go to Imagination Nugget.

I realized I should make time in my day just to completely let go and sink into my little space to play with my toys. And honestly? That’s a great realization to have. Spend more time with myself doing nothing but mental play. GIVE that time to myself, don’t just do it at the end of the day--that’s another thing I realized, that I only give myself time to do that when I’m in bed trying to sleep--which is WHY I HAVE TROUBLE SLEEPING. Because I’m trying to put Imagination Nugget time into my Sleep Time. Durrrrhhh

Also we did art at the end. I felt silly about that too, honestly. I wanted to go home lol. But I did make... art...? In retrospect, I should’ve made it terrible on purpose. But when you spend $800-fucking-dollars on something you treat that shit SERIOUS ok

[queer-cosette]

2 & 10 for the fic ask game:D

2. What trope do you want injected into your veins?

I am genuinely such a sucker for like. you know that thing where a beloved character appears to die? and the person who loves them has a breakdown about it? and they say "I never got to tell them that -" and their voice cracks? and someone says "never got to tell me what?" and it's the character that we thought had died? That shit fucking ruins me. If this trope could be made into pill form available at pharmacies I wouldn't need to take adderall any more.

10. Which fic is your baby?

100% On Se Sent Comme Par Magie, AKA the 600k word Les Mis Winx Club AU that I started writing mostly because I wanted to think about Enjolras wearing sparkly hot pants and knee-high boots with a crop top. But then it blossomed and became its own thing and I started getting really into thinking about love so powerful that it rewrites the universe and well. Here we are 82 chapters and 488,777 words in with around 50 chapters to go. Baby indeed.

Thank you <333