#its worse than if we'd just had sex

[cascadianights]

I turned down two separate 3am calls, kept my distance for two months, let my guard down for One Night and stay up all night laughing and drinking and falling asleep on the couch together & waking him up to go to bed while he just stayed put with me till almost 5am and it kills me it kills me it kills! Me!

[sugar-grigri]

Neither Denji, Yoshida nor their author can achieve normalcy

Let's look at Chainsaw Man as a narrative whole. There's no point in an author dealing with a subject that's already been dealt with, except to say something additional: so what does this chapter tell us?

Entitled "Normal Life", the chapter refers directly to Denji's previous dream: a normal life became Yoshida's offer to push him to stop being Chainsaw Man.

Fujimoto knows that you've understood that Denji intends to go beyond normality. This is something we learned from the whole of Part 1: normality had already been used by Makima to manipulate Denji. Here, things seem redundant, as Yoshida follows in the footsteps of the former antagonist. On top of that, while Denji was communicating and showing a certain emotional vulnerability, he's being sexually assaulted?

Why this chapter? Why tell it like it is? Fujimoto doesn't seem to initiate anything new, worse, erases his own developments.

The answer is easy, and Fujimoto gives it to us: this chapter is frustrating because it consciously shows you that he's incapable of writing and describing a normal life.

The first few pages serve to show that Denji is incapable of living anonymously and incognito when his environment permanently gravitates around the figure of Chainsaw Man. Denji literally finds himself in a fight to his detriment, and is punched in the face in the name of his heroic identity. Back in the face.

The second page serves to show that Denji can't achieve this so-called normativity by his past, by who he is, but above all by the way he's perceived by society and his guardians. He doesn't have a normal past, so how can he achieve a normal present? The others don't see him as lambda, so how can he become one?

The third thing that will prevent Denji from achieving this normal life is the man who intends to offer it to him: Yoshida. In his equally unconventional present as a demon hunter. He tells him explicitly: he has no idea what a normal high-school student does. Normal he isn't, since a normal high-school student is a professional cover for him.

Denji and Yoshida perceive a normal schoolgirl, that is, the ordinary life of a schoolboy, as something projected and unattainable. Just like the love of a hug is unattainable for Denji and Makima. Yoshida and Denji are distanced from it by this abnormality embedded in their daily lives: a demon.

Yoshida's assertion that the world won't end without Chainsaw Man also loses its meaning. Granted, Chainsaw Man isn't the only one to eradicate demons. But who will save the world?

How can a boy whose family includes a demonic little sister, and a demonic dog who is both his heart and his family, find his way in this normal life other than by being isolated?

In this empty room, doesn't it seem more like Chainsaw Man is deliberately isolated? Trapped in this normal life he can't quite fit into. Whether it's because of his identity as Chainsaw Man, as Denji, whether it's because Yoshida offers him this girl who looks like a demon who literally followed orders to sleep with him, this sex-obsessed boy?

Why abruptly cut off Denji's realization that he's in a bad way? With this demon-like girl sexually assaulting him? Why does this ending seem so abrupt?

Because what Fujimoto is indicating is that he's not capable of writing a normal life for Denji either, that his writing will never be gentle, that his character will never be able to give himself up in appropriate, normal circumstances: that a trauma will always resurface.

Whether it's the demon that prevents him from accessing the life projected before him, or the demon that brutally cuts him off from his confessions by attacking him. Fujimoto confronts his own hero, who no longer knows what to do?

Make love? In a world populated by demons? In a world crawling with Chainsaw Man? With an author unable to depict a normal life without brutally interrupting it, frustrating his own reader?

The normal life we'd all like Denji to have: neither he, nor the man who offers it, nor the man who writes it, will give it to us.

[masterjasper223]

Then and Now - Blood Moon

(Warnings: underage sex, period sex, angst)

Lupin Then

Dating a werewolf wasn't something to romanticise, but that wasn't to say it didn't come with its advantages.

For one, no one had more sympathy for you when you were on your period. Remus knew all too well what it was like to have to deal with something painful month after month, something that many of your classmates were blissfully exempt from, yet would most likely be repulsed to hear about.

In fact, you were acutely aware that Remus had it worse on every score, especially the latter; his "condition" was a very well kept secret at Hogwarts, and his education was only able to continue for as long as it remained as such.

But somehow, you'd never expected him to understand all of it: the cravings, the sudden drop in self esteem, the bursts of emotion- from irritation, to sadness, to feeling suddenly... well, unbelievably horny.

Yet as it turned out, you were wrong.

********************************************

It's Sunday afternoon, and the two of you are studying together in an empty classroom on the sixth floor. Or, rather, that had been the plan, before you'd woken up with the tell-tale discomfort in your lower abdomen.

There's little chance of your being productive today, but you decided to join Remus anyway, vaguely hoping that you'd absorb a few scraps of revision just by being in proximity to him.

But even those prospects are looking grim, as you have yet to summon the energy to open your textbook, and are currently slumped across the desk with your cheek pressed into the faded leather cover.

"Remus... Why do you have to be so handsome?" you sigh, staring vacantly at his profile. Something about the way his brows knit together when he's concentrating is very alluring all of a sudden.

"Terribly sorry for the inconvenience," Remus replies, a little testily. To his credit, he's actually trying to get some work done, and has already filled half of the roll of parchment in front him.

"I want to study," you grumble. "But I got my period this morning."

Remus pauses mid-scrawl, shooting you a sympathetic glance. "Then I really am sorry. But you'll be all right if you skip a day or two- I'll give you a copy of my notes to go over later."

"Thanks, Remus," you say, smiling up at him affectionately.

He clears his throat, and shakes his hair out of his eyes in that twitchy sort of way that tells you he's feeling self-conscious, before starting writing again- but he's barely jotted down two words before his quill stops on the page.

"Hang on. What does my being handsome have to do with anything, then?" he demands, shooting you a sideways glance.

"Because I'm horny," you whine, watching with some satisfaction as a flush creeps up your boyfriend's neck. "But since I'm on my period, we can't... you know..." You walk your fingers up his arm, searching for the right expression. "...play around." You haven't actually had sex yet, but you've gone a bit further than snogging on more than one occasion.

"Why not?" Remus asks, hoarsely. His quill slides from between his fingers and rolls to the side of his notes, where it lies dripping ink, forgotten.

"Because we'd make a mess, of course. Not to mention, I'm in pain." You grimace, massaging your belly under the desk. "And I don't feel very sexy today."

To your surprise, Remus offers you a wry smile and says, "Ah. That sounds familiar."

"Which part?"

"All of it. The pain, I've told you about. But leading up to the full moon, I'm- something of a mess. Less so now than I used to be, but I still can't stand to see myself in the mirror, and I get... cravings."

"Me, too!" you say, sitting up and swivelling around in your chair to face him. "I crave chocolate worse than if I'd been hounded by dementors."

"I crave red meat," Remus admits. "And, er... human contact."

You raise your eyebrows at him. "You mean you get horny, too?"

Remus nods, his cheeks now very pink. "But I wouldn't want to do anything about it," he says, quickly, glancing away. "I can't. I don't trust myself." He shakes his head, as if to clear it, and you're surprised to find that there's a mischievous spark in his eyes when they flick back to yours. "But it's different in your case. Very different."

"How so?" you ask, a little more sharply than you had intended. You can't help but feel that that's rather presumptuous of him.

"Well, for one, this is the safest time of the month for you to have sex," he points out. "And for another, according to- certain sources- it might just be one of the best times."

You understand 'certain sources' to mean the debauched experiences of Sirius Black.

"At the very least, it could provide some temporary relief," Remus continues, crossing and uncrossing his legs with a wince.

"Are you suggesting we...?"

"Well... yes. I mean, only if you want to."

You smirk at him, but a split-second later all of your confidence evaporates. "You wouldn't find it a turn-off?"

"Of course not. I've seen blood before."

"It's not just the blood. I'm..." you trail off, hugging your stomach, reluctant to put too fine a point on it.

"It won't change how sexy I find you," Remus murmurs, gently. "But if you're uncomfortable, we can wait."

You consider for a moment, weighing your options... but with your heart racing, and desire already pooling in your belly, drowning out the pain, it doesn't take you long to make up your mind.

"If you're sure... I mean, I'd like to." You reach across and place your hand on Remus's knee. He stiffens for a moment, swallowing thickly, before laying his fingers over yours and giving them a squeeze. "But where? When?"

Remus glances around the empty classroom. "Not here- we won't be able to relax. There's always the Astronomy Tower, no one goes up there during the day..." He pauses, glancing up at the ceiling. "But I, er, think I can arrange for the boys' dormitory to be empty for a few hours. Tonight, if you like."

"Tonight, then," you agree, leaning forward to place a kiss on his cheek.

*********************************************

It's not your first time in the Gryffindor boys' dormitory, and it won't be your last. As promised, the two of you are alone- which is why you're sitting on the end of Remus's four-poster, with your thighs wrapped around his hips, and his arms wrapped around your back, snogging as if your lives depend upon it.

But when you reach between your bodies to grasp his cock through the fabric of his robes, Remus squeezes your waist and draws back, panting, his lips flushed from kissing you and his eyes bright with desire. "Are you sure?" he asks, eyes flicking between yours. You nod impatiently, tugging at the front of his robes. "Okay," he chuckles. "Just- tell me if you want to stop."

"You, too," you say, sucking in a big breath before crashing your lips against his. But you're not content with snogging anymore. While Remus's hands cup your cheeks, yours begin to wander, raking down his back and chest, squeezing his biceps and hips, before slipping under the hem of his robes.

The second your fingers close around the hard length straining at his boxers, Remus's fingers are on your bare thighs, hitching your own robes up to your hips, as if he's been waiting for permission to touch you all this time.

"Robes- off-" you manage, in between kisses, and you part just long enough to allow Remus to tug your robes over your head, and to help him do the same. A moment later, your bra joins the pile of robes on the floor. Then he stands up- your legs tighten instinctively around his hips- and lays you down on your back on the mattress, supporting himself on his elbows in order to get a good look at you.

"What about the blood?" you ask, breathlessly, plucking at the quilt underneath you.

"That's what scouring charms are for," he says, grinning as he nuzzles your cheek.

Your answering giggle turns into a gasp as his warm hands slide along your bare skin. Remus licks and sucks at your neck as his fingers explore every inch of you, relishing in the little hums and moans you make for him, until he works up the courage to remove the last scraps of fabric separating you from him. Then he begins massaging your inner thigh as he kisses his way down your neck, fingers trembling and blood pounding in his ears.

"Remus... Aren't you forgetting something?" you pout, tugging at the waistband of his boxers, and he chuckles nervously before kicking them off.

But soon all trace of nerves are gone as you start pumping him in your closed fist, and he becomes putty in your hands, weeping precum into your palm, fingers digging into your thighs as he pushes them apart.

"Can I- try something?" he asks, squeezing your wrist with shaking fingers to get you to stop. You nod, releasing him, and lick your lips, wondering what he has in store for you.

Remus takes a moment to admire you again as he settles back on his haunches, before slowly lifting your thighs, spreading them, and positioning himself at your entrance. But instead of sliding in, he begins swirling his tip around your slit.

Fuck, that feels good.

You're so warm and slick that the tip of his cock slips in by mistake, and dips in and out of you without any resistance. You're even more sensitive than usual, and the extra moisture feels so delicious on the head of his cock that within minutes the two of you are twitching spasmodically, on the verge of release. Neither of you is going to last long, but as you watch Remus bite down on his lip, and his Adam's apple bob as he moans low in his throat, suddenly you don't care.

"Remus- please..." Your breath catches- you can't think of anything more to say- and a moment later you've stopped thinking altogether as he fills you for the first time.

It's bliss, pure and simple. Even more so when he begins to move, snapping his hips back and forth, creating delicious, slippery friction. You fit him like a glove, but even though you're tight around him he has to be careful only to pull out halfway, in case he slips out.

You can tell that exercising this control is costing Remus a lot; his brows are knitted together in concentration, as if he's studying a particularly tricky revision question, and sweat is trickling down his naked chest.

He's watching you, too; his eyes flick between your face and the place where your bodies are joined, enraptured at the sight of you beneath him. You can feel him drinking it all in: your spread thighs, your trembling breasts, your flushed cheeks and messy hair...

He groans your name, and that's when you feel a throb- a throb so deep within your core, and so unlike anything you've ever felt, that at first you're not sure if it's coming from him or you. Then you feel a tug behind your navel, not unlike the sensation of using a portkey, followed by a flood of wetness between your thighs as a fresh wave of bliss washes over you. Remus's fingers dig into your skin, and he bucks his hips several times before collapsing on top of you and burrowing his face into your neck.

You lie like that for a long time, just holding each other, revelling in one another's warmth; though you can't help but fidget a little, as slick drips from your slit, and his soft cock, still inside you, begins to firm up again, making your sensitive walls tingle.

You wonder if he'll want to go again- wonder if you could even handle it- but eventually Remus pulls out of you and rolls onto his side, propping his chin on one fist. Gazing down at you through half-lidded eyes, he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear and whispers, "How do you feel?"

"So good." The ache in your belly is gone, and every last muscle in your body seems to sigh with contentment at your release.

"Well, that answers my next question," Remus chuckles, pressing a kiss to your temple. "But don't get too comfortable. We'll have to clean up soon."

"Just a bit longer..." you groan, nuzzling your face into his chest. You're already dreading the walk back to your dormitory.

"Of course. I don't mind." He rolls the quilt over you and tucks it under his arm, pressing you more firmly against him. "But- best not stay too long if you want those revision notes. I, er, didn't get much done after our talk earlier."

*******************************************

You're both so spent that neither of you notices the door click shut behind you, or hears the whispered exchange between James and Sirius as they tiptoe down the stairs to the common room.

"Moony, you beast..."

"You owe me ten galleons, Prongs."

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Lupin Now

When you open the door, Remus is more surprised than you- but then, Dumbledore had told you to expect him.

Clearly, Remus had not been so well informed.

His eyes fly wide, and he whispers your name like a prayer- before quickly clearing his throat, as if to erase it. "Er, how are you?" he asks, with all the forced politeness one uses when addressing a total stranger.

"I'm all right, Remus. Or should that be Professor Lupin?" you tease, managing a grin in spite of the ache in your chest.

"Just Remus, now," he says, returning the smile a little stiffly. "My teaching career was rather short-lived, I'm afraid."

Ah. Perhaps you're not as well informed as you'd thought.

"Well, come in," you say, throwing the door wide. "I'll make us a cup of tea, and we can catch up a bit before we get down to business."

You make it halfway down the corridor before you realise Remus isn't following you, and turn to see him framed in the doorway, staring at his feet. Without meeting your gaze, he mutters, "I'm... not sure that's a good idea."

"Why not?"

Remus swings his arms, and inspects the frayed sleeve of his robes, clearly stalling for time. In fact, you get the distinct impression that he's searching for an excuse. Finally, he says, "I'm afraid I'll disappoint you."

"Disappoint me?" you echo. You feel a sharp twist in your stomach, and something hot and prickly claws at your throat. "Disappoint me?" you repeat, louder this time. "After all these years, that's what you say to me?"

He flinches, and his face twists as if he's in pain, but he still doesn't look at you.

That does it.

You storm up to him, yank on his sleeve, and, the second he's over the threshold, shove him against the wall next to the door, which slams shut of its own accord. Remus doesn't fight you- in fact, he barely reacts at all- but he does place a hand on your shoulder, as if he's determined to keep you at arm's length.

It's insulting. You grind your teeth, resisting the urge to draw your wand.

"When you cut me out of your life the second we left Hogwarts, do you think I was disappointed? When you made sure none of my owls could find you, do you think I was disappointed? When you tried to get me kicked out of the Order, do you think I was disappointed? When I had to hear about James, and Lily, and Peter, and Sirius second-hand, do you think I was disappointed? Do you? Because I wasn't disappointed! I was bloody heartbroken!"

Silence hangs in the air between you.

Then Remus looks up, and finally meets your eyes. "I am sorry," he says. He pauses for a moment, as if to let the words sink in, before continuing, "I never wanted to hurt you. I thought I was doing what was necessary to protect you. It was a foolish notion. I see that now- and I regret it.

"But at the time, I thought that it was right, and that that fact alone justified the pain I was causing you. It was selfish of me. I told myself I was sacrificing my happiness for your safety, when in reality, I was sacrificing your happiness for my peace of mind." He gently squeezes your shoulder, and tries to extract himself from your grip. "I have no intention of asking for your forgiveness. The fact that I tried to avoid this conversation proves that I am a coward. Once we've concluded our business here, I'll make sure you never have to hear from me ag--"

You push him back against the wall, cutting him off. His arms fall limply to his sides.

"I can't believe you. You're about to make the same mistake all over again!"

Still holding your gaze, Remus takes a deep breath and slowly shakes his head. "This is diff--"

"No, it isn't! You're making it seem like you're doing this for me, but this isn't what I want! I've never..." Suddenly, a terrible thought occurs to you, and your fingers curl reflexively into the front of his robes. "Unless... it's what you want?"

He hesitates for only a fraction of a second before answering. "It is."

The words pierce your heart like shards of ice- but you have to be sure. Swallowing thickly, your eyes desperately searching his, you force your numb lips to form the question. "You... don't want to be with me... like we used to... anymore?"

Remus stiffens, and you could swear you feel his pulse skip under your fingers. But his reply is as cold as it is resolute. "No."

"I... I see."

Your heart drops like a stone in your chest. You're not sure if he's being honest with you, but you decide that it doesn't matter anymore. If this is how he wants it, then so be it. You've made up your mind, as well- on two counts.

The first, you retrieve from its clever hiding place in your kitchen. It's a delicate charm bracelet, from which dangle three tiny phials, each brimming with a pearly substance that is neither gas nor liquid. You grab Remus's hand, still hanging limply by his side, and coil it into his palm.

"This is everything I can tell you about the Department of Mysteries. I hope it helps."

Now your Order business is concluded.

As for the second count...

You wait until Remus has tucked the phials safely into his briefcase. Then you splay a hand on his stomach, and spear him with a look so intense that you feel him freeze up under your fingertips.

"When was your last time?"

It takes Remus half a second to catch your meaning. When it dawns on him, his mouth forms a small 'o', and at length he replies, so quietly that you have to read the words off of his lips to make them out, "Seventh year. Right before the end-of-term feast."

Your answer exactly.

So, he hasn't had anyone since you, either. Which means- if your memory of his libido is anything to go by- Remus must be as touch-starved as you are.

"Spend the night."

To your surprise, he places a hand over the one splayed on his stomach. You lace your fingers with his, and he doesn't pull away.

"Please."

But then Remus laughs bitterly and shakes his head. "I cant. Tonight's the full moon." He cups your cheek with his free hand, and his thumb strokes the fullness of your lower lip. "I'll have to lock myself away."

You sigh and lean into his touch, wishing you could be there for him, that he didn't have to go through it alone. But you know he wouldn't want you to see him in that form. So instead of offering, you ask, "Do you have the potion with you?"

He answers with a curt nod. You can't help but notice that his hands still haven't left you.

He wants you.

No, scratch that- he needs you. You can see it in his eyes. Try as he might to hide it, you know that look all too well.

But you also know that he doesn't trust himself enough to be close to anyone right before the full moon. You never did make love during the week leading up to the transformation; he was always careful to put some distance between the two of you, and you respected that distance, knowing that he would close the gap the moment the lunar cycle began anew.

The question is, what will Remus say now? He's already denied himself the chance to be with you. Will he really deny himself this, as well?

You lick your lips, deciding to make this your final push. You've made up your mind- it's time for him to make up his.

"It's still early. You could stay until you need to take it, then disapparate. Or... we could make it quick."

He hesitates. The fingers laced with yours spasm, as if he's on the verge of pulling them away- but his other hand betrays him, thumb gently tugging on your lower lip.

"Do you still remember our first time?" you ask, before you can stop yourself.

"Of course," Remus says, a little too quickly. A flush creeps up his neck, and he clears his throat before continuing. "We were... rather irresponsible." He swallows, and his eyes briefly dart down to your mouth, before flicking back up to meet your gaze. "I suppose nothing's changed."

And, without giving you a chance to process this, he crashes his lips to yours.

There's no preamble, no more hesitation. Your tongues dance, and your fingers waste no time in getting reacquainted with every inch of skin they can reach; seeking out the similarities, and revelling in the changes.

This Remus isn't all that different from the one in your memory, except for his features,(he's aged quite a bit), and the fact that he's a little underweight for his stature. He also has more scars than you remember, more lean muscle, too; and he's bigger, in more ways than one.

You've probably changed more than he has, and you feel his calloused palms and fingers appreciate every last detail, everything that you are- everything that you've become in his absence.

Remus is the first to strip, kicking off his shoes and breaking the kiss just long enough to tear off his robes. Yours come off next, and any remaining scraps of fabric are left in place, to be pulled roughly aside whenever they get in the way.

You throw your arms around his neck, and he picks you up at the waist, spinning you around to press your back against the wall. Squeezing his hips with your thighs, you reach in between your bodies to grip his cock, pulling back just enough to be able to watch his expression as you touch him. Remus's eyes are dark with lust, his breathing ragged- you've never seen such a look of intense desire.

And it's all for you.

Biting your lip, you rub the head of his cock around your slit. He's painfully hard, leaking precum onto your palm. It feels so good- even better than you remember. You could come for him, just like this.

But Remus groans and clutches your wrist. "Mmph. Best stop that- if you want me to last."

So you lean up and brush your nose against his, nibbling on his lower lip and teasing his tongue with yours as you slowly fill yourself up with his cock. You're dripping wet for him, so it doesn't hurt, and any twinge of discomfort is quickly drowned out by the pleasure of being stretched.

It starts off slow, as Remus matches every thrust with a sweet kiss, a sweet caress- but it's not long before you find yourself bouncing up and down on his cock.

He fucks you senseless, and you ride him for all you're worth. It's like you're venting your frustrations together- or maybe on each other. But there's no anger or hatred between the two of you; just understanding. Longing. Need. Years and years of it, pent-up and begging for release.

It's delicious. Intoxicating. He fills you to the brim, rubbing places your fingers could never reach. You come quickly- too quickly- but Remus holds himself back, gently rocking his hips as he kisses you down from your high.

Then he carries you into your bedroom, (the door standing open on your right), and lays you down on the bed. For a heartbeat, you think it's over- that he's just going to leave you there. But then he settles himself on the floor between your legs, tugs your ankles over his shoulders, and buries his face between your thighs.

"Remus- fuck-"

Remus has always been good with his mouth. He's so eager to taste you- so eager to devour you. He kisses your slit, open-mouthed, no differently to how he claimed your lips; spreading your folds with his tongue and swirling it inside you, sucking on your clit...You run your fingers through his hair, digging your nails into his scalp, torn between holding his head in place and pulling it away. The pleasure is almost too much to bear, and your thighs are shuddering uncontrollably.

Then, just when you think you can't handle it anymore, Remus stands up, rests one knee on the edge of the bed, and slides his cock back inside you.

Your breath hisses through your teeth, but the pain soon fades as he picks up the pace, rubbing your clit and rolling his hips with every thrust.

Finally, you feel a gush of warmth, and Remus judders to a stop, his eyes boring into yours as he groans your name. That's all it takes for you to come undone a second time, and you're still twitching in pleasure as he slumps forward onto your chest.

You wrap your arms around him, eyes fluttering closed. It almost feels like you could be back in the boy's dormitory in Gryffindor tower, taking advantage of your alone time in his four-poster.

"I've missed you." The words spill from your lips before you can hold them back, but you instantly regret them as Remus freezes up again.

"I..." There's so much he wishes he could say, but to do so would mean going back on everything he's said, and undoing the choice he made all those years ago. The choice he reaffirmed the instant you answered the door.

So Remus swallows the words he was going to say, and replaces them with, "I have to go."

Even though you knew this was coming, it still hurts. You pull your arms away from him and roll onto your side, hugging yourself instead. Then, without looking at him, you tilt your head in the direction of the front door. "Lock it behind you for me, will you?"

Remus nods and pulls himself to his feet. He ducks out of the room, dresses quickly and cleans himself up with a wave of his wand. Then he comes back in and gently covers you with your duvet.

"Take care," he murmurs, tucking a lock of hair behind your ear.

"You, too."

You hear the front door close, and a faint rap on the wood as Remus taps it with his wand, followed by the sound of the lock sliding into place of its own accord.

Then there's a loud crack, and just like that, he's gone.

[pixlpxie]

i’ve done tarot readings with me and mingi on how we’d be if we were in a relationship and it would be toxic asf, but our physical compatibility and sex life would be crazy (based on tarot and our birthcharts)

and that’s all i need honestly. a one night stand with mingi would be insane or even friends with benefits… Especially after he does a concert or something. 🙂‍↕️ i need to find some smut immediately.

Well as long as the sex is good yall can keep it on the fwb at least yall still would have a good relationship 🙂‍↕️ post concert sex with mingi is such a dream and he'd actually do it thats what id like to believe 🏃🏻‍♂️and there are many beautiful smuts here i just hope you have a great time reading them😋

before i go on with my own rant could u read my tarot with yunho lmao plssssss im just so fucking curious how others read it so im sending u my energy 🧘🏻‍♂️👩🏻‍❤️‍💋‍👩🏻

(Im not proofreading rn so there can be spelling or grammar mistakes👨🏻‍🦯) Now, ive read our birth charts with mingi previously too and honestly it is very compatible (if im not reading it wrong lmao) and after reading this i decided to read our tarot both for the relationship and the sexual dynamics and both were extremely good?? Like it had the energy of young and passionate lovers it involved way more emotion than i had expected and it'd just be a fun relationship (altho it seemed like he would take on the child role while id have to take the more motherly role-literally what happens with a man that has cancer moon). Sex dynamics were similar too only they were more experimental and passionate, and we would have a lot of group sex lmao (a very needed info i know) 😭 i knew id get along with him really well i want him so bad

WITH YUNHO ON THE OTHER HAND👹👹WITH THAT MF BITCH IT SEEMS LIKE IM IN YOUR SHOES THIS TIME💀💀💀Our relationship seems like it'd be toxic, an on and off typa one, like when we're good we'd be the best but when we are bad its just depressing af (again i might be wrong i can't rly read my own tarot) but the sex.......... damn its something else. Exactly the same situation you have with mingi. But as i expected its also dark and possessive so overall me and Yunho kinda give off the vibes of couples that say we bring out the worse in each other then proceed to have the most carnal and primal sex anyone can ever have... 🥴

[familyofpaladins]

I HAD A REVELATION

okay so I was thinking about gender. My gender. And my feelings about being a cis girl over time.

When I was little I used to wear all kinds of dresses and wore nail polish and even occasionally makeup (but like. Sloppily as a 7 year old would lol) and how overtime I stopped wearing nail polish and stopped wearing dresses and despised make up. I dont really remeber why I stopped with nail polish. Maybe because it flaked off too easily or maybe I was sick of the few colors we had idk. I know I gradually stopped wearing dresses and night gowns because I was sick of being told I couldnt "put my legs up [up against the wall or just straight up in the air] or that I had to sit a certain way while wearing one. So I wore more and more pants.

I think about how i used to stand in the toys aisles while my mom did grocery shopping and look at "The Boys" section and think how much cooler it was than the girls section.

And I think about how my music teacher told us one day we'd hit puberty and we'd grow and us girls would be like "[in a high pitched voice] OH MY GOSH I LOVE BOYS AND DID YOU HEAR ABOUT SO AND SO" and I looked over at my classmates and friends to see if they were also terrified of becoming annoying teenage boy-obsessed girls.

And i think about how when I was at my friend's house and we were building "tree forts" in the woods i would wish I had a penis for the convenience of being able to just go pee behind a tree, because squatting near the ground was Not Fun and I hated walking all the way back to the house. And I think about how I hated that I'd have to wear a bra once my boobs started to come in

Now you might be thinking. Friend I think you want[ed] to be a boy. But the thing is, i dont.

I may have hated being restricted in dresses but I dont actually hate them. I've gotten a couple dresses in the last 10 years (for prom and graduation and a [not my] wedding) and how I actually did like how I looked in them and enjoyed wearing them for that time.

I think about how I was jealous of the boys selection of toys, but also how I had a ton of barbies that I massively enjoyed and how if I'd been a boy I probably wouldnt have been able to enjoy them (thanks to pressure from society) as well as a bunch of other "girly" items and shows and movies. I think about how I'm actually Asexual and that I wasnt scared of becoming "a young woman", I just didnt understand the obsession with sex/romance/boyfriend&girlfriend stuff.

And while having a penis is more convenient for peeing I also remeber thinking that it would suck to get kicked in the balls and/or that trope of falling on soemthign between your legs that happens in so many movies (not that it feels any better with a vagina honestly). And that if I had been born a boy I'd most likely have to deal with all the toxic masculinity forced on me, and I'm glad I dont have to deal with that.

And while me and my boobs dont always get along, I remember that after getting my first cute bra, I thought. Oh well maybe this isnt so bad. And I mostly wear sports bras now because I do wish they were smaller and I HATE that so many bras (EVEN THE SPORTS BRAS) are already padded into cup shapes, and while I don't mind Having Boobs, i Do Not want to show them off. And sometimes i think that maybe i wouldn't mind chopping them off, but then i think how my figure/outline/silhouette would look with out them, and that seems worse.

And i think about the times I've accidentally been called "Sir" from tired fast food employees when wearing gender nonspecific clothing and felt happy about it. But not "oh it feels right to be called sir/he/him" , but more of "hehe I fooled you! You thought this was a dress but its pants!"

And really this is all to say. I was born a girl and grew up that way so it's what I'm used to. If I'd been born with a dick then I guess I'd be a guy. If you magically stuck me in a male body right now, would I feel like a Guy or feel like a girl in a guys body? I honestly dont know. So am I non binary? Maybe that that doesnt quite feel right either.

Being a girl is what I've grown up as and into, and it's what I'm used to and going by anything else is… odd. Maybe itd be better and maybe it wouldnt. It's like an old blanket. You've had it forever and maybe its frayed and patched maybe a little too small and it's not what people expect you to have for a blanket, and maybe you could do with a new one. But nothing feels right with out it. No other blanket feels the same. It's what you're used to and its familar. It's a comfort blanket.

And that's why being a [cis] girl is my comfort gender.

[callmearcturus]

DVD Commentary KTOWL Chapter Six, The Sex Scene

Pursuant to discussion of Ace People Writing Sex Scenes, I thought I'd do a DVD Commentary for one of my own sex scenes. This is the sex scene in so we don't kill the ones we love, chapter six, "The Black Keys 'Turn Blue' (2014) Side A"

Yes, that is the chapter title.

This is fairly dense scene with a lot of deliberate choices. If I pointed out every single one, we'd be here all day, but I'll point out a lot of things and talk about the things I think about when I write something like this.

[Let me set the scene a bit for people who might not have read so we don't kill the ones we love. This is a full setting AU detached from the canon material. Our principle characters here are Karkat (an alien immigrant who is basically an indentured servant stuck working for a hotel for assassins) and Dave (a human who is, unbeknownst to Karkat, stuck working for the same hotel for the rest of his natural life and cannot hope to escape his contract). 

I am going to explain stuff that might feel very obvious, but this is a learning exercise.]

Wisely keeping his mouth shut and accepting the mercy offered, Karkat followed Dave up into the loft.

There was, as he expected, a bed. It was however dismantled. The mattress was on the floor, shoved flush to the corner. The support structure was against the wall, and Dave had repurposed the wooden slats to hold his music albums. They were spaced and arranged in a way that was pleasing to the eyes, very deliberate.

Below them was the turntable, spinning a blue and pink vinyl.

[This is my favorite expedient trick to use when describing a space is to give the reader just enough context to build a space in their mind but, unless there is something truly important and relevant about placement, not handing the reader blueprints. 

I recently got into a snag with Punct about Benji's apartment in our AU because they had envisioned something completely different than I had for the space, and it did become plot-relevant. But outside special cases like that, I think less is more. Do just enough description, so that when you stop to do florid, expanded description, the audience notices. And isn't mentally tired by the time you get there.]

Karkat reached out and turned the volume dial down about a third, until the sound wasn't liable to give him a fucking migraine.

"Square," Dave accused, and dropped himself unceremoniously onto his bed.

"Better than prematurely fucking deaf."

Dave cupped a hand around his ear. "Sorry, what?" Dave asked loudly, then snickered. "So I was thinkin'."

[This patter is very naturalistic, the way that— when we talk to people online, we can often maintain multiple threads of conversation. If I send you a paragraph block about what I had for lunch, asking you where you got those shoes, and asking how your day went, that's very difficult to navigate verbally. Something is going to get pinned or dropped in favor of something else.

So I frequently and pointedly have my characters swerve like this, where Dave consciously takes the reins of the convo to prevent lingering on the joke. There is an agenda here, and he wants to keep things moving. 

It is also one of the MANY times in this scene and other sex scenes were its reinforced that Dave is the guy getting fucked but he is completely in control. I think "topping from the bottom" is reductive, so I just like to talk about who is controlling the encounter the most.]

Feeling overdressed, Karkat started taking off his shoes.

"I was thinking this time, you can probably introduce your prehensile dick to my—" He tipped his head to the side with a hum. "You know, I kind of dig 'nook.' Not the worse terminology available by far."

[I've written a lot of trans characters but Dave is my favorite. I don't personally think I am equipped to write a story about The Trans Experience, but I think about gender and about bodies and identity a lot, and I poured a lot of that into specifically Dave and Jake in this story. 

Dave does not dig the terms "cunt" and "pussy" nor any of the more clinical terms nor the more euphemistic options. Like many people, there just doesn't seem to be a good neutral option to his tastes. So meeting an alien with their own term, a term that by the nature of being alien completely lacks humanocentric baggage, finally gives him an out: "nook." He even uses "nook" in his personal narration, it's such a relief to have it.

I just did an Entire Work search, and the only occurrence of "pussy" is Jake using "Pussyfooting" which feels right.

Worth noting: I think Rose would use "cunt" under the right circumstances. Different characters have different levels of comfort with terms, and you shouldn't assume that Dave's take is the author's take, if that makes sense.

But that's a discussion about Close Third Person Perspective for later.]

"Along with 'magic button?'" Karkat asked.

"Eh, I guess 'clit' doesn't sound as stupid as the other one. But I was just trying to help you along, give you some indicative nomenclature, I know trolls are huge on that, and no joke I think it's a cool thing. It's like y'all are constantly havin' a brainfart and forgetting the words for things. Like, damn, what's that thing in my chest, it's a— a chest throbber, right?'

"Pump biscuit," Karkat said.

"Whatever. The fuck was I saying, I had a point." He watched Karkat take off his jacket and fold it, draping it over the edge of the loft. "Tentacle on nook action, let's do that."

"Oh." Karkat liked that idea. A lot. "I thought you didn't want to do that."

[Boom, immediate characterization point. Karkat is turned on by the idea of putting his bulge in Dave's nook, but he immediately sidelines the idea to check on Dave's comfort level. He has already done this before with Dave and thus has pieces of information about what Dave likes and where he's comfortable.

Karkat prioritizes physical comfort in sex and he will communicate shit, even if it taps the breaks on his own progress to getting an orgasm.

ON TOP OF THAT: This is a 252,409 word long epic and I'd estimate at least 200,000 of those words are about how people in this story don't tell the truth. Sometimes because they are lying, sometimes because the truth is painful, sometimes because they're too busy being charming to be upfront, sometimes because their truth is different than someone else's truth.

Act One is a lot about Karkat figuring out that everyone's perspective on the world is Very Different, so he overcommunicates. This is that.]

"That was the first time, now I've gotten a taste of that thang, and I wanna feel it all the way up in me."

Karkat pulled his shirt off over his head. "I feel like I'm missing some… really stupid human-centric cultural context here."

Dave smirked at him. "You kind of are? But… I sorta dig that too. I don't have to explain shit to you or— it's good, it's a bonus in your column, okay?" He sat up, arms hanging over his knees as he watched Karkat undress with absolute focus.

[See, here Dave literally confirms that Karkat is lacking information. Reinforcement of the themes, even in the patter leading up to sex.

Dave is Karkat's closest ally in the Umbra and even he will not give Karkat the full picture.]

Karkat got down to his briefs before realizing he'd just been on autopilot, stripping efficiently. Dave seemed to have no problem with this, taking in the sight and swaying to his music. Reaching over, he picked up another bottle of cider beer and took a big swallow, waggling his eyebrows at Karkat over the bottle.

Leaning down, Karkat stole it and lifted it to his our lips. He was fucking parched, and it was crisp across his tongue.

[Phy! Si! Cal! Ity! Karkat is from a background that makes him point A to point B in his movement, and sometimes he just falls into locomotive routines.

Dave's locomotive routine is to be constantly attuned to his surroundings and reacting to them. When he's working around the Umbra, his entire presentation changes to match the environment. When he's in his loft, he reverberates with the music.

Karkat's recurring motif in the story is being out of synch with the world. Dave is almost agonizingly in-synch with the world.

Also Karkat steals the sip of beer. It's an acceptance of the invitation Dave is giving him.]

"Rude as hell," Dave said, but allowed it nonetheless. "Come on, what happened to my show?"

Glaring at him did nothing, as Dave was immune. Still, Karkat dispensed with the last of his clothes.

The way Dave smiled and ducked his head was worth it. "I'd stick a dollar bill in your belt, but whoops."

[Oh, so, I love the fact that Karkat is canonically Fucking Hot in this story. This fic is written in Extremely Close Perspective Third Person, meaning it's a re-skin of First Person with "he" instead of "I". Karkat only notices things he would, only uses phrases and terms he would. If you read KTOWL, you will notice that his POV sounds different from Dirk's and from Rose's and from Dave's and from Jake's. 

The law of this specific perspective is that the audience should learn things that the character does not. Now there is a lot of Very Serious Examples of that in KTOWL, when you the reader should glean something even if Karkat does not.

But a cute jokey one is the Karkat Is Hot thing. Karkat does not know he's hot except that he has to navigate humans hitting on him all the time.

What I like about this is that you learn Karkat is hot from other people. Here, let's look at the next bit, it's related.]

"I don't get out of bed for a dollar anymore," Karkat groused, and lowered himself down to the mattress, knees landing and bouncing a bit. On a guess, Karkat curled a hand around Dave's bare ankle and dragged him closer, claws going for the snap of his cutoffs.

A flush of pink spread over him in three seconds flat. "Oh, shit, Karkat gettin' hands-on. Someone's learned a thing or two." He settled his arms behind his head. "If you're volunteering, have at."

[So I am very very very Weird about character description in fic. I wildly prefer to have a POV character noticing someone else than to have a POV character describe themselves to the audience.

So Karkat is very specific about the physical attributes he notices about himself. These do not overlap with what other people notice about him. As each person meets Karkat and remarks on him, the audience gets more information about Karkat's actual body, since Karkat doesn't… think about his body as much.

In comparison, Dirk and Dave both think about their own bodies more, but for very different reasons. 

Anyway, this moment shows us that Karkat has some fucking muscles and can easily move people.]

Karkat hadn't realized he was such a contrarian until he met Dave Strider, who said everything like it was a dare. It was impossible not to push back, to respond, even if Karkat knew it was exactly what Dave wanted. Glaring at Dave's flushed, smirking face, he unzipped the shorts and pulled them down, catching the boxers underneath with his claws to haul them off as well. It was worth it for Dave's little gasp.

Karkat was no longer sure his subvocal noises were being drowned out by the music. He could feel a bone-deep satisfaction humming through his bones. Giving into the greedy thing in his thorax, Karkat pushed his hands up under Dave's shirt, claws dragging lightly, palms firm against the soft give of human skin.

[Lets get into sexy stuff. 

I'm very specific about what characters like about sex. I am very ace, so the idea that people Just Like Sex is sort of odd to me. I guess it'd be like someone who enjoys running marathons. Sounds fake, what's the part of that you like?

For Karkat, he hones in species differences between himself and humans. He has a lot of trauma regarding being hunted by his own people and how his destiny was to be culled as a mutant who needed to die. So one of the many manifestations of that trauma is a curiosity and interest in human bodies.

He really really likes that Dave is soft. He hones in on the soft parts of Dave's body, since alternians don't have as many.

When you write a sex scene, I think it'd very powerful to have the POV focus on the points that the character would. This is how, as an ace person, you can lockpick the backdoor to understanding attraction. When you are deep in another person's POV, then you can make their attraction more tangible to you by knowing these anchor points.]

The hitch in Dave's breath only made Karkat want more, now. When he pulled, Dave lifted his arms, bending his head to help Karkat peel the shirt off him, leaving him in nothing but the bold stamp of his armband. The warm flush in Dave's skin deepened and spread down his chest. Karkat touched him there, cupping the softer flesh and squeezing.

"Um!" Dave said in a higher voice than Karkat had ever heard from him.

"What?" Karkat asked, his own voice lowering, his worried tone starting to fragment and hum with the chirring in his thorax. There was no way it wasn't obvious now.

[Even though we're not in Dave's POV, I also heighten the parts of Karkat I know he likes: the sonic.

This is also a tacit reminder to the audience that Karkat super isn't a human. I never want them to forget it, so I will keep his alien oddities present on a regular basis.]

"Nothing!" His ears were red, and he puffed out a breath. "Initiative, I like it. Great job." When Karkat remained still, concerned, he rolled his eyes. "I swear to god I'm fine, you just— surprised me."

"I can slow down—"

Dave dug his knees into Karkat's sides.

[Dave is in control of the scene.]

Fine. Easing in closer, Karkat rubbed his thumbs over the nipples and squeezed more firmly, kneading with his fingers, careful to keep the points of his claws from pressing too hard against soft skin.

["the nipples" makes me laugh every time.]

Dave's mouth opened into a little 'o', his body slumping against the bed, his throat working as he swallowed thickly. "'Kay. God, those are— are pretty sharp, huh?"

"I won't hurt you," Karkat told him.

A sound equidistant between a laugh and a moan answered him. "Good with your hands, Karkat?"

"I mean, you try growing up on a planet where it's real fucking useful to have knives on your hands." He dragged his clawtips down Dave's ribcage, stroking his sides.

"I like 'em." Dave pressed his head back, back arching a bit as he sighed, lazily enjoying being touched.

Karkat crawled further up onto the bed, trying to bite back his smile as Dave eagerly sat up with him. He hesitated, unsure what to do next.

[How do you show a person is aroused? How do you portray desire?

A lot of thinking, mostly. 

I think my sex scenes tend to buck some sequencing tropes (kissing then clothes off then prep then sex then clean up) and its because I think about blocking constantly.

I'm unsure if that's a well known term. I learned it in drama class in high school, when the teacher/director talked about how it's not enough to remember your lines and say them. You have to use body language just as much, and the 'script' of that language is "blocking." It's the direction people physically follow in a scene, where they are going to move and when, what marks they have to hit, etc.

When I have a scene outlined and ready, I think ENDLESSLY about the blocking. I think about it when I'm driving, when I'm on breaks at work, when I'm making dinner. Figuring out how the characters are going to show their intentions with their bodies takes much more time than writing dialogue. At some point in the craft of writing, dialogue became the easiest part. I can do that in minutes.

The rest of the direction is the bulk of the work.

This is why I watch Mission Impossible and scream "UGH, PHYSICALITY" because this is… how I learn. This is how I work that writing muscle, I just…. find someone in a film or whatever who moves in away that catches my attention, who is saying something with their body language, and I study that shit. And I put it here.]

Dave pressed his hand flat against Karkat's thorax, his teeth against his lower lip as the subvocals immediately strengthened, modulating into a drowsy wave of noise. "God, that's so fucking cool. Don't let this go to your head, but that's pretty sexy."

[Dave is in control of the scene.]

He looked up at Karkat through his lashes, smile playful.

Karkat really want to kiss him again.

Instead, Karkat pulled one of Dave's legs to the side, stroking the hairs there. "Dude, not against the grain," Dave laughed, and redirected Karkat's hand to stroke in the right direction.

"Humans are so fucking complicated and touchy," Karkat said.

"And yet you came here for your treat," Dave reminded him. His knees pressed against Karkat's side. "Oh, shit, this song rocks, hang on—"

The guitar got noticeably crunchier, the drum thudding dull and steady. It grabbed Dave's attention, away from Karkat, and heat flared in Karkat's body.

Grabbing Dave's wrists, Karkat pushed, falling with him until he had Dave held flat to the mattress, his grip around warm skin and the cool material of the armband.

Fever got me guilty, just go ahead and kill me, Karkat heard vividly as he braced over Dave, looking at his mouth.

Dave stared up at him for a second, then lifted his head, pressing his lips firmly to Karkat's, and Karkat just fell in. He kissed Dave's mouth open, tongue exploring those strange flat teeth, tasting boozy fruit. Dave's moan vibrated through Karkat's body as he squirmed under Karkat, hips rolling, working to line their bodies up.

[So right before this scene started, Karkat unthinkingly kissed Dave and got chided lightly for it.

Here, he thinks about doing it again, then another 160 words pass before it happens. I told you directly Karkat wants to kiss Dave and then I showed you how it happens.

There's that advice, "Show don't tell" and I think it's… situational. I am of the opinion that you need a balance of both. This is about tempo and expediency. When you just Tell the audience something, it can be impactful like a punch. 

Also, when you stop to Show, the audience will notice more. If you are only doing Show Show Show and never just Telling, I personally find that kind of narrative a little exhausting and I think it lacks snap. 

So, I tell you Karkat wants to kiss Dave, and then I try to paint the moment with details about the taste and the music and the vibration in hopes you'll pay more attention to those.

I want this moment to be their Big First. So it has details that they'll remember. All the way in Act Three, Karkat puts on The Black Keys' Turn Blue, and Dave literally identifies the opening song as "their song."]

Karkat's bone sheath had been taking its sweet fucking time getting with the program until then. It parted immediately, and his bulge felt up Dave's thighs, rubbing over his nook.

Laying there and making out for a while sounded like a great idea. Karkat carded a hand into Dave's soft hair, holding his head still as he mapped out his mouth and swallowed every little groan. In perfect counterpoint, Dave grabbed Karkat, blunt nails dragging through his hair to find the bed of one of his horns. Stroking the base of it brought a thick, curling pleasure surging up Karkat body.

[Another instance of them honing in on the anchor points of their attraction. Karkat's attraction to softness and being allowed to be gentle, Dave's attraction to Karkat's anatomy and (as a beloved friend once told me) the joy of being aliens to each other.]

Eventually, Dave broke the kiss, lips wet, parted as he breathed. He kissed Karkat's jaw, his cheek, his eyelashes dark against his skin, eyes closed.

He looked so good, it almost burned to stare down at him. It made Karkat's breath catch.

Dave seemed oblivious to Karkat having a fucking moment and knocked his legs into Karkat's sides. "Come on, party hardy, is that guest of honor ready?"

[Dave is in charge of the scene and is currently not at a point where he'll let it get too tender. He is in control.]

Karkat headbutt him gently. "Don't talk about my bulge like that."

"Why not, he's my new best friend," Dave said, snickering. Blinking his eyes open dreamily, he looked down, between their bodies, and wiggled his hips again. "It's like, what's the fuckin' word, autonomous?"

"Mostly." It was currently autonomously grinding loops through the coarse hair, painting translucent red streaks over Dave's skin.

"Well, can you ask Mr. Red Joy Toy to take this bit slow? It's been a while since— actually, fuck, better idea. Flip." Planting a hand on Karkat's shoulder, Dave shoved. Tipping over, Karkat let out an offended noise that Dave completely ignored as he swung himself over, straddling Karkat's hips.

[Dave is in control— you get it. There are constant signifiers.

Also you might note I didn't give a blow by blow on Karkat's bulge coming out. I have compared my sex scenes to other people's and one of my constant notes of concern is, frankly, my overuse of blocking.

I often worry that I am explaining too much, spending too much time making sure the audience is aware of the exact positions of everyone at all times. Which can become exhausting and can kill the tempo/flow. So over the last five years or so, I've made a conscious effort to just drop unnecessary beats and trust the audience to follow along.]

Staring up at him was a little like staring into the sun. "Oh."

"Yeah, I dunno if I got the gams for a full rodeo," Dave said, his hand reaching down to grip Karkat's bulge, "but let's, uh, get it going before we turn tables."

"Whatever you want," Karkat said, because really? Honestly? Yes. He had zero complaints about the situation.

Dave laughed, tucking his hair behind his ear in a way that made Karkat's chest ache. "I don't do this part often, so just…"

[I love this moment of Dave doing a shy motion despite he is, as stated, in control. The royal flush is in his hand, but something about Karkat still makes him a little bashful, just for a moment. 

Also this is a purposeful juxtaposition: it's a cute bashful moment while Dave is straddling his hot alien coworker and working his alien dick. That kind of contrast adds texture and, in my opinion, a verisimilitude to the situation.

Because I've said this 100394823 times but while it is always okay to have a sex scene just for the fun or a sex scene, that's great, I tend to write sex scenes for a purpose. I want my sex scenes to convey something that can't be easily conveyed in another context.

This one here exists (among other reasons) to make it clear that Karkat isn't just a coworker to Dave, that he is getting something unique from Karkat, and it's something he's been lacking in his life for a long time. Which will make it harder for him to pretend this is purely fun and devoid of emotions.]

Putting his hands on Dave's hips, Karkat squeezed in what he hoped was a reassuring way.

Dave's smile was so fucking bashful, completely at odds with the way his hand worked Karkat's bulge, long wet strokes that had it curling around his wrist. Karkat groaned, hips lifting despite Dave's weight.

"Oh, huh," Dave said as he was jostled. "Looks like you got the gams. Impressive core muscle strength. Maybe test that out next time, but for now." Using both hands, he coaxed the narrow tip of Karkat's bulge up until it dragged along the slick folds of his nook. He stared down into his lap, focused, keeping a firm grip so Karkat wouldn't accidentally move too fast.

[Dave is in control and is already thinking about another round of sex with Karkat.

Also, I dunno how subtle this is, but Dave is in control in a way that speaks to the fact that the Umbra has him employed as a sex worker basically (its Complicated) and thus he has a lot of experience and instead of just lying back and letting Karkat have fun, he physically directs the action to ensure it goes correctly. He knows how much penetration he can take and at what speed, so he controls that too.]

Bit by bit, Dave loosened his grip, and Karkat sank into Dave's nook, taking gulps of air and digging his fingers into Dave's hips to keep from bulge from thrashing. God, he felt— so lush and wet, similar to working into another troll's nook, but different, more delicate, and without another bulge to tangle with. That was the best part, that nothing stopped Karkat from filling Dave up, his bulge twisting and exploring.

[Sexy advice hopefully but: I tend to focus in on the level of familiarity characters have when they fuck. Here, Karkat is fucking Dave for the second time but first time in his nook, so the narrative focuses on the differences, on what sets Dave apart from anyone else Karkat's fucked.

Later in the story, when it's established that these two fuck very very regularly, the focus shifts to what they've learned about each other. It's an aspect I think is sexy.]

Dave's expression went distant, eyes unfocused, face flushed. He bit his lip as his head lolled to the side, a soft, "Fuck," leaving his mouth as he rose up on his knees, then settled slowly back down. "Okay, okay, yeah…"

Karkat stroked his hips, his back, waiting. "Take your time."

"Don't tell me what to do," Dave said automatically, even as he slowly rocked his hips in a circle, letting Karkat's bulge go carefully. As it buried itself in him, he dug his slick hand into his hair, gripping, holding on. "Oh my god."

Because he was an idiot and his bulge had the reins of his brain, Karkat said, "You look so good."

[I'm not sure if I'm good at writing dirty talk? Like, I have no idea. But I really like writing sex talk.

Well, it's another thing that varies, I think. Sometimes it's fun to have two fucking chatty people who cannot stop talking fuck. It's also fun to have the moment when that all falls away because keeping up the patter is too difficult. And then again, sometimes a silent, intense, wordless fuck is the right choice.

It all depends on who is involved and also what the goal of the scene is. This scene is Dave and Karkat continuing to navigate their dynamic, so they can't shut up. The form fits the function in the story.]

Dave hitched a moan as Karkat stretched as far into him as he could. "I— jesus, Karkat, I—" He patted Karkat's hands on his hips. "Come on, it's time for you to do some work, let's go, babe."

[Dave. Control. Etc.]

Karkat rolled them back over, got his knees braced under him, and fucked into Dave.

Nothing about the situation felt real, and that was strangely what made Karkat feel helpless against it. The bass line that stroked down Karkat's spine as he moved and the way Dave looked at Karkat, hazey and pleasure-soaked, were so completely unbelievable… it didn't matter. There was no reason to hold back.

So he fell into it, tried to get his bulge as far into Dave as he could, kissing him just because he could, and fucked Dave in time with the music just for the way it made Dave start laughing.

Dave managed to sing a loose "Ba da dahm" before he completely lost it, laughing and moaning against Karkat's mouth.

[This is the part of the sex I always have the hardest time with. All the blocking and arranging bodies and banter and themes, that's EASY. But when someone needs to finally get off and come, it's like two to seven paragraphs that are agony to me, lmao.

For this one, I have a lodestone of the music. KTOWL is more than a bit about music, and how music is Dave's primary form of communication, so it makes its way into this moment, and that's the lifeline I need to wrap up the sex.

But if there is anything I think I need to work on in sex scenes, its orgasms themself. How do I make them a better conveyance of character? It's a point to work on.

(Ah, quick note, I phrased that as a question but I am not seeking advice on that. I don't tend to take unsolicited advice on my writing for several reasons. Thanks.)]

If coming here was a mistake, Karkat was so fucking glad he'd made it.

His bulge looped around itself in Dave, and Dave threw his head back with a shout, his legs bending.

Karkat pressed them both flat to the bed and felt how Dave shook with each stroke of his hips. He was so focused on Dave that his orgasm fucking shocked him, just there suddenly, making him thrust furiously into Dave as he just unspooled and flooded him with a heavy pulse of slurry. "Oh, shit," Karkat swore, eyes slamming shut as he tried— but nope, no, he was done for.

[I really like non-synchronized orgasms actually. Not to be gauche but sometimes you're coasting along and are turned on and think you've got a handle on it, and then the orgasm just happens! Whoops!]

"Oh, what, Karkat, hey," Dave whined as Karkat slowed. "Don't you fuckin' dare, I'm so goddamn close." He shoved a hand down between them to rub himself, groaning.

Karkat helped, folding their hands together, still pulsing drowsily in Dave's nook as they jerked him off. He felt Dave come, and thrust weakly into the clench of him, groaning.

His head rest against Dave's shoulder. He nuzzled in. It was so soft. Were all humans this soft? How was someone like Dave so soft under his clothes? It felt like privileged information he'd stumbled into bulge-first.

A hand cupped the back of Karkat's neck. That felt really nice, and he opened his mouth to exhale, layers of vibration coloring the tone into a modulation of subvocal hums.

"Fuckin' agreed," Dave sighed, deep and satisfied. "We are… real good at this. If there were awards for accomplishments in th' tantric arts, competitors would try to take out our kneecaps, we'd be such obvious front runners."

Karkat hummed an agreement to that nonsense.

Fingers gently toyed with Karkat's hair for a moment. It was so soothing. Karkat could sleep. Maybe his bulge would stay tucked up and warm in Dave for longer if he just dozed off.

"Hey, roll over." Dave nudged him.

"No," Karkat said, trying to nuzzle in more.

"Yes," Dave answered, and poked Karkat's sides, right along the grub scars.

With enormous effort and a deep groan of complaint, Karkat lifted himself up and flopped onto his back instead. It wasn't nearly as comfortable, and his bulge tucked up into his sheath again.

[Do I even need to say it?

I mean, it's important. If you read KTOWL, you know why Dave And Control is extremely important.]

Dave sat up, moving wearily. He dragged a hand through his hair. "Holy shit, I'm a mess," he laughed, and moved, legs slipping off the bed. He was shaky as he stood, holding out a hand in case he fell, but still managed to get up and pulled the sheet off the bed. "This is totally ruined." He balled up the sheet and used it to wiped himself off before… just throwing over the side of the loft, letting it fall. "Deal with that fuckin' later," he muttered, and stumbled a few feet away.

[A small note: we have all done the orgasm-then-clean-up thing. Sometimes, the scene has overstayed its welcome so you wanna just breeze over that stuff.

But sometimes, like here, it's an opportunity for a Character Moment, learning about how Dave interacts with his own space and possessions. And it's cute and funny.

I think that covers everything about This Specific Scene. I hope this is at all interesting. I think about this shit a lot.]

[marinazone]

What's been bugging my brain recently

Boy oh boy where do I start. Well I suppose I'll start with a little bit of context. Hi! My name is Hunter (if you never knew my real moniker, not many do even if i tell them); and I have been in a disastrous...what could only be described as love illness, since February 28th. Before i explain why (if you dont already know) allow me to provide my full experience with love. When i was in 12th grade i was used as rebound for a girl named Nicole after her boyfriend had broken up with her. It was the first time i had ever gotten to feel love, the expectations of what i should expect were to be established from then forward. We talked a lot asked eachother how we were doing shared similar interests that kinda shit. It was cool, the sex was lukewarm at best but it felt nice to feel appreciated. Thats when her emotional manipulation began. She would be in low points that i attributed to depression. I always told her "go get help for your depression, itll only get worse" all of which she militantly ignored to the point where she told me she was being physically abused by her family. Naturally, stupid me, believed her and grew more and more attached and protective and i didnt find out til after we split up that she was full of horse shit. It was during this point that she would take opportunities when she was "moody" to punch me across the face. Why did i take that shit? I dont know! I guess i was too fucking scared to lose someone i was attached too. Two years passed and i realize she started to ditch me to hang with some dude named Paul and was cheating on me for months. I finally asked firmly if she was and she admitted it, playing sap. I was devestate for about three months afterward. I had planned to kill myself numerous times but always remembered how much my friends would miss me. It was during this time around 2013 that i took up a habit of walking a mile to a nearby bridge on a "private walk" over an artificial lake to just gaze into and get lost in what seemed like infinite thought. I eventually got over her, but only after deleting all contact with her.

Second is someone online i will just call Saber. A very basic ass relationship. No emotional fulfillment for me and only sexting. He was a bit different in abuse in that it was more a financial abuse than anything else. He relied on me to pay for his ffxiv game and subscription and shit cause he didnt live in NA and i didnt see a cent back. The separation was far more a fade then burning out. We just stopped talking and i stopped giving once i realized i was being used

And the third ex is actually criminally dangerous so i will avoid any details at all about them! Just know theyre in jail still i think and they dont know my address

So we arrive more recently, I dont want to use exact names as im still in contact with them and are (presumably) friends and i do not wish to expose information given in confidence. I will just be using first initials as follow: A, B, T, and W.

So it began with a message I'd received from B (all this was when i was freyacrescentshangover on here). He messaged me because we were into the same shit and asked if i wanted to rp. I figured sure! Why not! Well he was pretty chill and nice and i would eventually tell him i had a crush on him. He said "its cool we have similar fetishes but lets just stay friends for now ok?"

It didnt upset me to much. Then W entered my life and boy is she a treat (not sarcastic, mostly). She contacted me for much the same reason. We were into similar shit. We'd spend a lot of time back and forthing this stuff and getting to know eachother and then i finally told her i had a crush on her and her answer is something to keep in mind for later. She didnt say yes, but she didnt say no. She told me things such as ne being cute and how she enjoyed how we had similar kinks and said she'd be down to be more flirty sometimes. I had no fucking idea what this meant (No offense W) so I was more just in a state of confusion where our relationship was. As for why i admired her? She was passionate. Her interests were so emblazoned on her soul that is was visceral just being in a conversation (still is to an extent). Yet she's also so cool and mysterious. It felt like she was someone i had to learn about, someone that i could listen to their passions for hours in complete awe and admiration. Thats still what i admire about her to this day i suppose, but ill get onto that more in a bit.

This was also around the same time i had developed a crush on A. A is super cool and chill even to this day. Never afraid to be herself or says what she feels and that is truely admirable. She'd contacted me because, once again, we were into similar fetishes. We did the old exchange weird stuff and talk until i noticed she, by complete fucking cosmic coincidence, lived in the same town as me. You guessed it! Got a crush on her. This rejection breaks the mold a bit though in that she reciprocated the feelings but felt she was in to many relationships and couldnt provide me the emotional support i needed. Didnt bother me too much.

Well, that is until a couple months later A and her wife formed triad with W. It felt so.....bad if im being honest. I feel guilty to say it and i am really happy for them still! But there's always been a part of me since then that sorta felt......jealous? Short changed? I dont know, its hard to find a word for it. Its like when you taste something super fucking sour but you like expected it to be sweet. My self worth sorta plummeted from it all. Like i just wasnt enough for them..

Cut to later and i met T. Shes super sweet and funny and boy i got a crush on her too! She got into contact with me because......you guessed it! Similar fetishes! It feels like im just gifted with a power that lets people confide their weird fetishes with me. When i told her she told me essentially "Same fetishes dont like you that way".

Now we cut from 3 years ago to a month ago. I get feelings spurring up again for T and W (Probably A too but after how this goes I dont wanna be crushed ever again). I tell T first i have a crush on her. She says something similar to before but elaborates that romantic feelings are very hard for her to obtain. Then I tell W again. She says "We have similar fetishes and thats cool but i dont like you that way". For some fucking reason, this was an emotionally devastating breaking point for me and im not sure why. i got over T in like two days. W on the other hand? Were a month strong in and I still cant stop being depressed about it all. What happened here? What went different here? Was it because of the awkward response id receive years ago? Was it the jealousy-like feelings i still harbored? Is it just because i wanted to hear more about her and her interests and passions hidden under that cool (and sexy) exterior like i had before? I dont know. Probably never will. Likely a combination of all those though.

So here I am, on this weird precipice of loneliness, ready to die any second because my self worth doesnt seem to improve no matter what I do (and ive been doing a ton lately). Will I be able to work up the courage to take another final shot at A? Probably not, my body can't take another hit like that. Atleast not so soon. Will I ever get over W? Im not sure. The last time i felt this bad was with Nicole and I had to cut all contact with her to feel better, but the thought of doing that with W makes me even more sick. Maybe I'm just SOL and my emotional and mental stability doomsday clock is finally reaching midnight (sure hope not! I have Marinas to bully!).

Apart from all this, with how spurred i feel and such. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. To do the things i like keeping myself healthy. Eating. Showering. To live. And yet I move.

[casspurrjoybell-22]

Dream Eater - Chapter 1 - Part 1

*Warning Adult Content*

A door slams and I hear footsteps running after me down the sidewalk.

"Alex... Alex, wait. It didn't mean anything, okay? Wait."

Max catches up with me and grabs my arm.

I shake him off and keep going.

Up and down the busy, shop-lined street, people stop and stare, like spectators at the theater, enjoying the free show.

Max begins to lose his patience.

"Alex, seriously. You're being a bitch. It's not like you never slept with anyone else."

My boyfriend... scratch that... my ex-boyfriend is making a scene because I just broke up with him over a dream.

I know that sounds stupid but let me explain.

I'm a dream-eater: a kind of low-level incubus, only instead of sexual energy, I feed off the energy of people's dreams.

We're the poor cousins of the demon world.

I'm doubly cursed.

Not only am I a lowly dream-eater but my affinity is for nightmares.

You see, dream-eaters experience a person's dream as we consume its energy.

Which means I have to live out other people's nightmares just to eat.

Max's most recent nightmare was about me finding out he's been sleeping with some other dude named Carl.

Now, sometimes dreams are just dreams, right?

But when he woke up and I asked him who Carl was, I knew that in this case, it was more.

To make matters worse, he then decided to pull out the whole 'You sleep with other people, too' argument.

And now, when I don't respond to his charming entreaties, he brings it up again as he trails behind me past a crowded café, drawing the interested attention of a group of octogenarians dining on the patio outside.

"You know what? Fine. You can sleep around with other people but I can't. I get it. Because for you it's business, isn't it? Well you know what that makes you, Alex? A whore."

He spreads his arms wide and addresses the impromptu audience of his self-made soap opera.

"You hear that, fuckers?" he yells. "Alex Shade is a fucking whore."

I turn around and punch him in the face.

Then I keep walking.

First of all, it isn't true.

I mean yes... I sleep with people.

And it is for business.

But that business isn't sex.

It's dreams.

More specifically, it's nightmares.

The more powerful, the more unpleasant the dream, the more energy it gives me.

So in that way, it's worthwhile to seek out the worst of the worst... the minds so tortured they'll pay anything to be rid of the nightmares making life unlivable and turning sleep into hell.

The downside is... as I said... I have to live the nightmare to absorb its power.

Which is why I figure it's fair that people pay me to rid them of their awful dreams.

It's a living.

Except for the last few months I'd given that up and been perfectly happy to do so.

I'd met Maxwell Craig at a club and we'd connected instantly.

He told me about his nightmares and I listened with understanding and sympathy.

Later, I ate his dreams and he felt better.

Somewhere along the way, I guess I mistook our mutual co-dependence for something more and when I'd seen that latest dream, it had hurt a lot more than I'd expected.

I don't know why it came as a surprise.

I mean, it's not like he ever said he loved me and he's clearly not the long-term type.

Still, even a low-level demon likes to think he's something special to someone.

So much for that.

I walk a few more blocks before slowing my pace.

My physical form tires easily, especially after I've been upset.

Emotions take a lot of energy, after all.

Belatedly, I realize that walking away from Max means I've also walked away from the one, tiny piece of security I had in this world.

I have no job, no home and very little money... but at least I have a plan.

There's a coffee shop across the street with free Wi-Fi advertised in the window and I make my way over and go in.

I dig in the pockets of my jeans and come up with just enough change to buy a small coffee.

The girl behind the register gives me a look as she takes my crumpled dollar and handful of mixed coins.

Clearly, this is the sort of place that expects customers to actually put something in the tip jar.

I give her a crooked smile instead.

I may not be a super-sexy, high-level incubus but I'm damned cute and I know it.

She smiles back uncertainly and hands me my coffee.

Oh well.

My appeal has always been stronger with male humans anyway.

I take my cup of coffee and find a seat near the windows.

After a frustrating struggle connecting to the Wi-Fi, I log into my old profile on the job app I use and update the status to 'active.'

I bill myself as a 'dream doctor' guaranteed to end your nightly torment.

Not the most elegant advert but it seems to work well enough.

Before I finish my coffee, my cell-phone pings with a notification.

A hit and it's close.

I open it and read the note.

Hello,

I'm interested in meeting and discussing your services. Please reply promptly.

Damien Knight

Interesting.

I touch the reply icon and start to type.

Hi, I'm free this afternoon. Where would you like to meet?

I wait and a few seconds later another message pings.

Can you come to my home? The address is 1665 Greenwood Dr.

Hmm.

Usually, I like to meet in public first.

I mean you never know these days. I might be a demon but my physical form can still get murdered as easily as any mortal.

Only instead of whatever happens to humans, my spirit would have to roam around searching for a new vessel.

Probably for years, if not decades.

Been there, done that.

No thanks.

Still, he had good grammar.

That had to count for something, right?

I hesitate, then tap reply again.

Sure. What time?

The answer comes almost immediately.

As soon as possible. I'll be waiting.

Okay... this guy is desperate... hopefully only to be rid of his nightmares.

I stand and toss my empty coffee cup in the trash.

While I'm still on the café's hard-won Wi-Fi, I pull up a map and type in the address.

Two blocks south and one east.

Easy-peasy.

Pocketing my cell-phone, I head back out onto the street.

As I go, I cast one last hopeful wink at the girl behind the counter.

She rolls her eyes.

Sigh.

It's always the normal-looking ones who have the worst dreams, too.

I set a brisk pace up the street.

1665 Greenwood Drive, turns out to be a luxury apartment complex.

Great.

I don't have a real service plan and my cell-phone is useless without Wi-Fi.

Was this a joke or did 'Damien Knight' expect me to let him know I've arrived?

As I search the nearby shopfronts for the ubiquitous Free Internet lure, the tinted glass doors to my left open and a man steps out.

He's tall and athletic, about thirty-five, with pale skin and dark, stylishly cut hair.

He's handsome in a clean-cut, upper-class kind of way.

Not exactly my type but his eyes are deliciously dark and haunted. Definitely my nightmare guy.

"Are you the dream doctor?" he asks, his voice deep and smooth.

I nod.

"That's me."

He looks me up and down like I've come to Fashion Week in an outfit I found at the Goodwill.

He shrugs but holds out his hand.

"Damien Knight. Pleased to meet you."

"Alex... Alexander Shade," I say.

His eyes narrow slightly and I know he's wondering if the name's real.

It is, by the way.

"Well then, Alex. Pease, come inside."

[galaxysplove]

Regarding your post "is 14 too young to watch hazbin hotel"

Hazbin Hotel isn't much worse than any of things my peers were watching when I was a teen. The sexual content is explicit, but its not like. Actual prolonged sex scenes. It's mostly a lot of sex jokes and raunchy humor.

The only real distinction I can make for Hazbin Hotel is that the narrative doesn't punish the 'bad guys'. While none of it is particularly detailed - murder, drugs, rape, and all kinds of abuse are shown on screen, even played as a gag. And opposed to most things you watch, the characters who do these things are never really punished for it. Some of the protagonists are the ones who do horrible things, and they get away with it.

It's definitely not a show for young teens, it's rated 16+ for very good reasons, but it's just a guideline. Personally I was reading books WAY above my maturity level way younger than you are. It's really common actually for kids/teens to do that lol. My own mother was appalled about what I'd been reading when she realized we'd read the same book and it had *gasp* sex scenes.

There's arguments to be had about maturity levels and whatnot, but honestly if it means that much to you, and if for w/e reason you are unwilling to just. watch it without permission most teenagers would. Why don't you just ask your mom to watch it with you?

If your mom's concerned about any topics you might learn about, she can watch with you and be there to have a discussion about it or answer any questions you might have.

It's not the end of the world if you can't watch it though. If nothing else, by the time you're sixteen the second season will be coming out and you can binge it all in one go.

I definitely think I would be able to watch it and the only reason I asked mum was because she is a helicopter parent who has to know everything I do before I even do it and as I am currently off school as I'm sick she would hear what I am watching. I was mainly asking because I wouldn't even ask her if people said it 'wasn't suitable' but from what people said I think I'll definitely watch it with my cool aunt as I think mum will make the sea scenes and triggers into something they're not. And I don't think it will be fine to watch if she's just sat there like what the actual fuck are you watching. So I'll definitely wait until I'm home alone to watch it. So apparently it's 14 Yr old approved but not mum approved lol. I've decided to watch guardians of the galaxy instead. The only other reason I wanted to watch it while I was off sick was I have a 4 Yr old brother who when my parents are just going to go for a quick food shop so they ask me to watch him which I don't mind at all but it's definitely not suitable for him. But thank you for the input but I'll just wait till I'm home alone I think as I really can't be bothered with the grief lmao. :)

[totallynot]

back on Tumblr after two years and holy shit my old posts are so much more cringy than I remember but it's okay I was just a kid i can delete them later I don't think anyone is gonna find this account .

anyways the reason I'm back is because I just need somewhere to write. Tumblr is like an old reliable friend I can go talk to.

Anyways you've missed a lot. Things with her are less horrible. I think me moving out has helped the family. My issues make things worse here. Things still are bad sometimes but not nearly as often.

I actually dated this guy for a year and like 7 ish months. He was a year older than me. I knew him from robotics and I always thought he was kind of cute. He never thought of me before we got together though. Basically how it went was we were both at a party in a game of paranoia and the question asked of me was 'who in this circle would you be most likely to date?' I, the silly girl I was (and lowk still am) responded looking in his eyes and pronounced his first and last name... yeah but the thing is I wasn't even like into him?? I just said it cus like it's fun to tease boys?

idk whatever. anyways one of his friends asked one of my friends to prom and so his friends since all of them had dates were like oh '[ex's name] do you want to bring someone to prom' and he was like 'ig' and they were like 'do you have ideas on who' and he was like 'yeah I think she (me) would say yes bc of what she said in paranoia.' And so then his friends like poked and prodded him to ask me to prom and it was really sweet how he ended up asking me and everything but like unclear if he meant it as friends or what. so like we start planning prom together and he's like kind of really nice and organized and even though I started liking him and at prom we did a lot of hand holding. eventually after prom we went on more dates and started dating.

From the beginning I feel that I was never too into him :/ like he was nice but I had never had attention like that from someone and I really started enjoying how he talked to me and he was clean and everything so we started dating. and like I think I expected things to end a lot sooner than they did when we initially got together.

The first summer together was wonderful. But like we barely talked. Like all we did was make out. We talked on the phone at night sometimes but in person we mostly just made out and dry humped. And so when he was leaving for school i anticipated breaking up then but he wanted to try the long distance. We decided that we'd reexamine our relationship at Thanksgiving.

In the first few months of long distance I was sure I was gonna end things because I knew I didn't really like him that much. Like 100% sure. What made me change my mind was this:

My 17th birthday was landing on a weekend and he said he'd come home that weekend to see me. That was also the weekend of homecoming. Unfortunately I got COVID and was unable to celebrate or go to homecoming or see him. That weekend he along with some of my friends surprised me with a cake and card outside my home. I was so sad and it was so nice and it made me so much less sad. He then made plans to come back home a couple of weekends later to makeup for the fact that we couldn't see each other. A few days after that I was really frustrated during a tennis match and I told myself to think about what makes me happy. And what I thought about was him and my talks with him. So I decided to stay.

Looking back on its, I think that I really liked being in a low stakes casual dating situation. We weren't (at least i wasn't) concerned about sex or anything like that yet I just liked having a friend to talk to everyday.

Anyways so I didn't break up with him and so that's when the sex stuff started. That's when on the phone conversations started to go into things other than kissing. We both decided we wanted to so the next time he was over we did some things. And eventually by the time we were together for sevenish months we had done more things. We gave each other that special gift.

That's pretty much it I guess. It stayed like that for me. We were from there a serious relationship. And things were good but when we hit one year I thought to myself 'damn there's no going back now unless I have a real good reason.' Shiit i shouldn't have let it get that far. Oh well.

I loved him. I just don't think I would want to marry him. I don't know if I was in love with him or even like attracted to him. I loved him like you love a best friend. He was someone I could go to if anything was wrong and he would listen and I could trust that I wasn't a bother to him. I liked having someone that I could be close to like that. I liked the sex. I liked how he held me. I liked that he loved me. But it wouldn't be fair for me to use him for that when I knew I didn't love him like that.

I broke up with him a bit over a month ago and fuuuckk i miss him. I miss having a best friend that I talked to every night. That I could just be with and all my problems would simply melt away. Now instead I have to feel my feeling and that fucking sucks. I am so anxious all the time. And like people that aren't your boyfriend don't really want to hear the same thing about how you're feeling again and again. But writing it down here felt really good.

I worry about him a lot. I often felt guilty about the fact that he had like no friends at college. I felt like I couldn't leave because how does that leave him? I was going to reach out to his friend from high school after the breakup so I knew he was talking to someone about it but my ex said that he'd tell him himself. I found out last week that he did not tell him. That made me worry more but maybe he told his roommate more? Maybe he's getting closer to him and his friends. I don't know. I hope he's doing good. I really do love him still. How could I not? At the very least he was my best friend for two years.

I have been a mess since the breakup. I don't know how to handle things without him being there for me to bounce my thoughts off of. I know myself and know that if I'm still single this summer I may hit him up but it's good I'm single now. It's good I'm able to make the emotional mistakes I'm making recently, now instead of later I suppose.

I tried journaling outside of Tumblr like on paper and that shit just does not hit the same. I missed you Tumblr. Maybe I'll come back more often. This really did help a lot I feel.

[stalemateserial]

46

Ruth was slower to get out of bed than usual. Judith thought it preferable, since it'd taken a very long time for her to shake off whatever had gotten into her yesterday. On some level, she understood that she'd only done what she had wanted to for a long time; but on the other hand, it was uncharacteristic of her. These were extraordinary circumstances, after all, and the rush of taking charge had, if only for a moment, cleared Judith's mind of every worry.

Judith doesn't have to wait too long before her shipmate drifts into view, picking a ration from the larder and taking her seat on the other side of the table. Ruth's normally quick to start a conversation, but she busies herself with opening her food and having a few mouthfuls. Maybe Ruth wants to see if she'll take charge again, but Judith can tell from looking at her that she was awake for a while before she got out of bed. There must have been something that kept her there, and Judith doesn't want to get a new subject on her mind.

After a few more swallows, Ruth gets up for a drink. With her back to the table, she finally breaks the silence. "I had a wonderful dream last night?"

"You did? I'd love to hear about it."

"Well, first, I'd like to hear your move for today."

"I hadn't really been thinking about it."

Ruth's taken her spot back at the table by this point. She's so occupied with her response, she misses getting her foot into its harness to help her stay in place. "Part of the the reason we agreed to the game was so that we could stay focused on something. I guess maybe there's been something else on your mind?"

"Some things are more important than games, after all. But have your breakfast while I think of the move."

"Sure thing."

Judith retrieves the move history, realizing that she'd forgotten to add the two that were made last night. She jots them down, tapping the pen against the paper while she concentrates on openings. But maybe she needs an opening of another kind. Given the episode yesterday, maybe she can't wait much longer for their second wager to resolve one way or the other. "Pawn to B4"

Ruth misses her foothold again, her head whipping in Judith's direction. "You're sure?"

"I am. Now tell me about the dream."

Ruth takes a moment, settles herself into the restraints so she can better feign the experience of sitting at a table. "I had a dream that we were back down there, and we'd gotten an apartment together. It was hard to tell where it was, but it was raining. I never really had a strong opinion of it one way or the other, but I miss the sound of rain. It's like a reminder that time is passing, water is going through the cycle, crops are being nourished, that sort of thing. Up here… well, it's like a stasis, really."

"You're rambling."

"I am, sorry. The point is that we were living together, and we didn't have to worry about all this, and we could make real food, and I'm pretty sure we had a cat, or maybe a dog, and it was wonderful. It was wonderful."

The story has brought a smile to Judith's face and what could be tears to the corners of her eyes. Ruth doesn't embarrass her by pointing it out. Judith asks "were we living in America or Britain?"

"I don't know, although the rain in it might be a point for your side of the pond."

"I'm not sure I'd want to live there again."

"But it's your home?"

"No, it's where I was born. It's where I grew up. The government has made it very clear that Britain is no home for people like me."

"But that law, in 1967, I heard about-"

"That law? Said they could keep it behind closed doors. It got worse for the men that thought it meant they didn't have to hide. Just think what they would have done to Turing if he hadn't jumped ship to IBM."

"What they'd have done?"

"There's a drug they'd have made him take that would have made it a lot harder, if not impossible, to have sex. I suppose to them, if you can't treat the disease, you chop off whatever's incubating it. Now, I'm not familiar with the particulars of your country, but one that would make a spectacle of that is none I want to stay in."

"You'd leave your country to be with me?"

"I'd leave my country to be safe with the one I loved. And as it stands, honey…"

"I'm ready to make my move."

"Are you?"

"Pawn takes pawn at B4."

Judith doesn't respond, she just takes a breath. They're looking at each other with an expectation they'd learn to hide so well, the sort that could be denied, covered up, recontextualized. But there's no uncertainty here, no possible other way it could be construed. Ruth moves out of her harness, floats up past the height of the table, reaches out for Judith's face, her head moving closer while her legs buoy further up. Their mouths linger at each other's margins for a moment, and then they meet.

Neither is new to the act itself, but this is nothing like those times. Down there was pining, sneaked glances and hand signals attached to eyes that scanned the hallways for privacy. Down there, it was like a game, being young and feeling invincible. Up here, there's feelings and sentiments that have calcified into something that must be punched through, definitively. No need for restraint, no fear of being found out. In a way, it was exactly what they had asked for.

Over and over again they arrived at what could have been a resolution, a satisfying denouement that would allow them to part, but they kept finding each other again. This is not the gentle feeling of relief, it is the first bite into a meal they've waited days for. It is a banquet they'll enjoy for every course, even if the beds weren't made to hold two people. Even if it's the last time they'll ever get to. Even if it was only because of where they are. For tonight, it's enough.

[jojotichakorn]

In my opinion the biggest regret for Only friends was that we never get to see Ray hooking up with Boston at the beginning of their friendship. Visually I would enjoy this so much and additionally Rays statement to Sand in Ep 2 would make more sense (some kind of friendship can start with sex). This is just some head canon that I'm still hung up on days after the finale. What do you think about Boston Ray?

infamously i have no regrets about the ofts finale, but i do think bostonray would have been an interesting thing to explore, though to my mind people got a little too hung up on the line about friendship starting with sex because to me that felt like a regular statement of fact - not a chekhov's gun, not even a chekhov's pistol, really. so bostonray are more of a possibility to me rather than something that should have definitely happened + i don't think we had enough time to do them justice specifically with the way ofts frames relationships.

now, i think in general the friendship dynamics of the group rely heavily on who is actual friends with who. many of us have probably been in those friend groups where you all hang out together but don't really talk to everyone, if not anyone, individually. and a lot of things come down to the fact that chueam & mew and ray & mew are the only people we've actively seen being friends outside the group dynamic. now, i'm not saying that necessarily means no other pair is also close, but those two are undeniably canonically close.

to me, the only opportunity to properly get into boston & ray being friends on their own as well presented itself after that brief raymew kind-of-dating situation and promptly died when they decided to end on an intimately friendly note after their relationship turned out to be a complete fiasco. prior to that, there was no space to explore bostonray in my opinion, because ray was already being torn in two between mew and sand (in this case, i'm talking about how much emotional toll that whole situation took on him rather than the specifics of choosing a romantic partner), and afterwards the only thing that could have made ray seek friendship outside of mew was mew not wanting to be that close with him anymore, as evidently ray - though not romantically but still - does love mew (for better ❌ or for worse ✅).

ray not being able to let go of mew easily feels quite realistic to me, but - in a vacuum - i would have loved if they kind of went their separate ways at the end of episode 9. in that case, there would have been an opening for boston and ray to show that they are also actually quite close just the two of them and to explore their past as well as their potential future as best friends, which - as i'm sure you can imagine - would reframe the subsequent events and particularly the finale quite a bit and eventually split the friend group in two.

however, as i said at the beginning, i don't think we had enough time for that, considering we'd only have three episodes to work with it and such a change would have been far cleaner than ofts has ever been about its relationships progressing (or mostly regressing and stagnating tbh), so ultimately my verdict on boston and ray is that it has all the potential to happen but only if ray manages to move on from mew, which would ultimately be too long and painful a process for it to be able to fit into the three last episodes and is more of a "what happens after the finale?" thing.

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #166

Are you interested in any reality TV shows? I like some like cooking shows or other competitions when I'm watching TV with others, which is the only time I ever watch television anyway. Historically I've fucking adored animal documentary series, like Meerkat Manor or Orangutan Island, and I remember I loved one featuring rhesus macaques as well, I just don't remember its name. I am VERY interested in watching animals just live their lives.

What’s your favourite thing to have on toast? Light butter, cinnamon, and sugar. Childhood delicacy, man.

What’s the worst thing you’ve ever had to deal with at your job? So much social anxiety that I would end up in the bathroom having a total meltdown regularly. For external things though, just impatient people.

Do you think being born was a mistake? No.

Do you have a large dog? If not, are you afraid of them? We currently only have the smallest species of dog lol, but we've had a boxer mix before. I'm not afraid of them at all, I love big dogs.

What is something you used to always do but don’t anymore? Once upon a time I lived off of soda, like it was ALL I drank for many years, but I've cut back immensely, I'm working towards getting to a point where I'll only drink one personal-sized (not a two liter) bottle a week. I enjoy soda more than I do eating, and I've absolutely noted that it can bump my mood up quite a bit, so getting to where I am now is a big fucking deal if you know me.

Has anyone ever told you that they loved you, and you didn’t say it back? Yes, that's when I realized things had gone too far.

What’s your favorite hairstyle on the opposite sex? I sincerely love emo hair help 😭

Have you ever done a Mason jar craft? No, but I find those SUPER cute.

Who is your favorite photographer? Anastasiya Dobrovolskaya tops the list, her work is SO dreamy, and the animals featured are all humanely owned.

Were you shy in high school? Yes, but I'm way worse now.

Do you wish karma were real, or are you glad that it isn’t? Oh I very much wish it was real, but it's quite obvious to me that it's unfortunately not.

Who are the cutest babies in your Facebook newsfeed? None lol, I only have one friend with a child who is truly a baby instead of at least a toddler and god I love this person but the baby is NOT cute lol, but I very rarely find very young babies to be cute anyway.

Are your ears pierced more than once, if at all? Yes, I have two on each earlobe, and my right tragus is pierced. I want more.

Did the last guy/girl you kissed have any piercings? Nah, he's not into piercings for himself personally.

Do you actually love your parents? I most certainly do.

Do you know anyone autistic? My niece, and I am FINALLY being evaluated for it myself I want to say next month. I know I have at least one autistic acquaintance, too.

How about someone bipolar? That I'm already diagnosed with, type two. My oldest sibling is also bipolar, but she has type one.

Do you believe in celebrating anniversaries? I celebrate yearly ones, yes.

What was your very first pet like? He was a long-haired (I'm pretty sure silkie breed) orange and white guinea pig named Squeak. <3 He loved attention and was such a character, always gentle and we'd do excited guinea pig squeaks back to each other haha. <3 He was sadly kept in an inadequate cage (you know, the shitty rectangle ones you find at chain pet stores that are actually horrible for them), but I of course didn't know better with how young I was, but he was always a good boy. I'm thankful he lived the proper lifespan for the little guys, I just wish I'd been aware enough to give him a more enriched life.

What’s the coolest hobby one of your friends has? I actually really find D&D to be super interesting; I have multiple friends who do it and wish I had that level of comfort to do stuff like that without being embarrassed by it, I NEVER could do it, I'm way too fuckin awkward.

Have you ever pet a cow, a sheep or a pig? I've pet a small pig. <3 I'd love to pet a cow and sheep too, though!

What is the wallpaper on your best friend's cell phone? IT'S LITERALLY JUST FUCKING GRAY I DON'T UNDERSTAND HIM LIKE WHY

Do you like your girlfriend’s/boyfriend’s parents? I adore his mother, she's such a fucking sweetheart with a ginormous heart and is SO damn accepting. She's been an absolute darling to me ever since she met me. I never met his dad, he died of a very sudden heart attack or something similar like over ten years ago, so I'm not comfortable making a judgment about him. I know Girt's always explained him as having been a hardass, but a very caring one that loved his family to death. He's mentioned that me and him are quite different, primarily politically, so we might've butted heads but he was ultimately pretty confident that he would've loved me. I really like hearing stories about him, and pictures are always super cool because holy SHIT Donald Sr. put his fuckin face through a copying machine and plastered it onto his son lmfao, like it's unreal.

Do you like Polaroid photography? YES, I find it super super aesthetically pleasing and so nostalgic; I myself would really like to have one to take fun little pictures with it sometimes.

Is there a friend of yours who curses nonstop? Who would that be? Haha you mean me? Girt's even worse than I am though, he's one of those people that will curse freely in public, not to be rude or provoke people, but because he just straight-up doesn't realize he does it. He's the person who has more than once gone "SHIT I shouldn't be cursing" NOT quietly in public lmao, I've sometimes just had to give him a lil nudge for him to realize when in public or around kids. Girt is extremely intelligent, he really really is, but he will often just do things very mindlessly and without evening beginning to realize that he's doing them.

What internet browser do you use? Chrome.

What do you usually do to let your feelings out? Listen (usually very loudly) to music, vent to people I trust, sometimes do artistic stuff like write or draw. I cry very easily, and sometimes doing that will help relieve stress. On VERY few occasions I've screamed into a pillow, and boy does it feel good when I'm REALLY upset enough, even though I absolutely hate doing it. Even though I know factually it's harmless and is even a good way to ease frustration in a way that doesn't hurt others or property, I feel like an aggressive person the few times I've let myself do it and just really don't like that.

What was the last thing you uploaded/plugged into the computer? Uploaded, a picture from my phone. I last plugged in my phone to charge; it fits the charger for my mouse so I can use it when I'm in here.

Are you participating in Project 365 (you take a picture of you/something every day of the year and post it)? I've considered doing this with photography, and I'm certain it would further train my artistic eye, I just... haven't. I'm not really one to take pictures with my real camera unless I really desire to take a certain picture, I don't just trash it up with random things. I honestly should let myself do this though, I KNOW it would be beneficial as an artist.

Do you have a Flickr? If so, post the link. Yeah, it's Ozzkat on there, but I don't use it very much at all. It's a lower-priority art platform for me, I mainly focus on deviantART despite the fact I quite dislike the website now for how aggressively and unabashedly it endorses AI "art." I've just been there the longest and have the biggest following there by far, so...

Do you think it’s dumb when a band smashes their instruments, or do you find it totally radical? I honestly do find it dumb, like... why. Why destroy what is generally a great quality instrument if you're a band playing it on stage to an audience. If you want a new guitar or some shit, just donate or even SELL the damn thing, don't break and waste it.

Have you ever made a gif? If not, do you think it’d be interesting to make one? I've made many over the years for various purposes, yeah. I tend to go through episodes of making them and then not.

When you feel uninspired, do you feel like you need to go somewhere to become inspired? Not really, actually. I tend to become inspired by observing others' artwork and stuff. It is very much about the content I surround myself with.

Have you ever lived on a university campus? No.

Do you play any games on your phone? Only Pokemon GO. I would like to be able to play more, but my phone is trash with VERY limited memory, I've had to delete plenty of things just to keep that one game updated and therefore playable, lol.

Have you ever shaved your face? Yes, there's this tool I use that's not quite a razor, it's a vibrating tube thing that looks almost like a lipstick case, but I use it on my upper lip, chin, and I've started to use it between my eyebrows too.

What was the last vaccination you got? It was a tetanus vaccine refresher, I think?

Who’s your favorite rapper? And your favorite song by this favorite rapper? Eminem, and probably "Love the Way You Lie," I was OBSESSED with that song when it was new. I also like "Space Bound" a lot, though.

How about your favorite band? And your favorite song by this band? Oh fuck. For Ozzy it's proooobably "Trap Door," but I'm also very much adoring of "See You on the Other Side" (actually listened to it today) and "Mama I'm Comin' Home." The Rammstein song I enjoy the most in terms of catchiness/most often in the mood to listen to is "Zick Zack," however I consider my ultimate favorite by them to be "Stein um Stein" because it's a fucking artistic storytelling masterpiece imo.

Has anyone ever made a promise to you that they’d change? Who? Juan probably did at some point in high school.

Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? Oh yes, I wasn't afraid of the dentist until recent times when I was finally paying for neglecting my teeth due to depression and I now realize also executive dysfunction issues later in the timeline. I had a lot of cavities, a few that were quite severe, and fixing one required me to get a numbing shot THROUGH THE ROOF OF MY FUCKING MOUTH, like I could FEEL the needle go through and deep into my fucking gums, and it was my worst EVER experience with a needle, that shit HURT. I'm finally getting better with taking care of them, thank fuck; I think seeing how severe the consequences were becoming really kicked my ass into gear. It doesn't matter if I hate my body, it's my responsibility and I'm going to do all I can to make it better and comfortable to live in. I also had braces for a large chunk of growing up, and getting them tightened always commenced a very painful few days afterwards for all of my teeth. I recently had a wisdom tooth yanked out, and while the numbing shots did suck, they definitely used an adequate amount of it 'cuz I sure didn't feel anything other than pressure. I only got scared when the tooth broke, the sound made me jump.

Is there anyone you’d like to apologize to? Jason. I doubt I'll ever get the chance, but god do I wish I could express how sorry I am to his face. I also want to apologize to Sara for how I severed our friendship, I should have been more direct (I had my honest reasons for thinking it was better not to be so confrontational, but I know now that I was wrong in that part), but I know it's better that I don't stir up settled dust. It's better for both of us that we just don't have contact with each other. Like yes, I think it would help me to just get my apology off my chest, but when you consider I don't seek reconciliation with her whatsoever, it'd be a pointless amount of possible upset.

Could you go a month without talking to your best friend? HELL NO, we're dating and serious with each other so even going a day without some amount of contact is out of the question for us. A month without talking to him would be MISERABLE.

How has your style changed since you were in high school? Well back then I was your average emo kid, still pretty emo at heart but a bitch is wearing comfortable shit these days, lol.

What was the last new drink you discovered that was delicious? Strawberry banana smoothies.

What is your favorite way your hair has ever looked? Probably how it is now, but when it was newly dyed a seaweed-y green.

Have you ever had a teacher that also taught your parents? No, neither of my parents grew up in NC. Well actually, during my last college attempt I DID have an English teacher that previously taught my mother like a semester prior; she got her degree only a few years ago.

Where’s the nearest GameStop near you? Shit bro, probably not even three minutes. It's in the same complex where our Wal-Mart is.

What was the last thing you took a video of? Probably either Roman or Cookie being silly.

What’s the biggest risk you’ve ever taken? Overdosing on cold medicine.

Do you believe your ex cares about you? No. Maybe he does, but I'm not so sure about that.

What was the last compliment you received from the opposite sex? Girt said something about me being a positive influence, which meant a lot.

Have you ever been to an orchard? No, but I'd REALLY like to.

Who was the last family member of yours that died? My maternal grandmother, that I know of.

What is your favorite color for cars? Pinks, of course. I am also a big lover of burnt orange cars.

Do you have any gay family members? I know I have at least one on Mom's side, it's like her distant cousin or something, I'm not entirely sure on what he is to her.

Did your last relationship end because of you or the other person? She instigated the breakup, so her.

Would you be upset if you caught your boyfriend looking at porn? No, I know I'm an extreme minority that gets zero enjoyment out of porn. I'd only be bothered if my partner seemed more into watching that than doing things with me, his actual girlfriend. I don't know or care if this is something he does when I'm not around, and if he does okay cool, I don't feel like I'm actually competing with a porn star or whatever. I suppose maybe this would depend on who my partner IS too, like I deeply trust Girt and what he feels for me so the idea of him watching it does nothing to me. It's not like he'd actually pursue his favorite porn star or whatever.

Have you ever had crabs, turtles, or lobsters? I've had a few hermit crabs in my life and very briefly a turtle that I shouldn't have even had.

What is your favorite type of cat? Oriental shorthairs!!!!!!! I REALLY want one of these one day.

What if a friend asked you to go with her to get an abortion? I'm walking in there right beside her and holding her hand if she's fine with it. She will have NO doubts that she is loved and supported.

Who of the opposite sex has seen you at your worst? Either Jason or Girt, depending. The night of the breakup when Jason very briefly came over to check on me because of shit I said, I was FUCK-ING HYSTERICAL, but Girt came to the ER following my suicide attempt because I tagged him as someone I directly wanted to say thanks and bye to, and I feel like that was truly my lowest point ever in life, in that hospital bed with an IV in me wearing scrubs. I was ready to die and was so done with existence, I was dirty and hideous and crying but he stayed for a while anyway.

Are you sitting in a spinning chair? Yes.

Are you one of those people who will not use a public washroom? I definitely avoid them if I can, but I'm more comfortable going depending on how well-kept the place is. For example, I'm WAY more comfortable using the restroom in like The Cheesecake Factory versus a gas station, haha. If I gotta go though, I gotta go, I just do the thing where you place toilet paper over the seat.

Have your parents ever disapproved of the person you’re dating? Like, the person I'm CURRENTLY dating, or any partner I've ever had? Either way I think no; I know they've always approved of Girt, but I suppose Dad might have not been thrilled about me dating a girl once, but I really have no idea what exactly he felt. As it turned out Mom didn't like Sara either, but it had nothing to do with her being another woman, she was fine with me dating a girl.

Were you raised by someone other than your parents? No.

What’s the last chore you did? Vacuumed.

What is your favorite jungle animal? Very close call between tigers and clouded leopards. I'm also quite fond of kinkajous!

Is your father injured? He has a bad back and has for a very long time, but I don't think he has any noteworthy, current true "injuries."

Are you part Native American? No.

What are your pets’ names? Roman, Venus, and Cookie.

Have you ever worked two jobs? No, I can pretty fucking much GUARANTEE I would never be able to do that.

Who is the oldest sibling in your family? Katie.

What are some of your happy thoughts? Being with Girt, a hopeful happy and content future together, the idea of being a successful photographer who gets to travel a good amount, having a poetry book published, be surrounded by well-provided-for and loved pets one day... just a lot of visions of the future I want.

What are the names of all the dogs you’ve ever owned? Trigger, Angel, Teddy, Dale, Delilah, Harley (maybe? I can't remember if she only stayed with Ashley?), Cali, Bentley, I think her name was Lola (we had her very briefly), and now Cookie. Maybe one more in there somewhere, I feel like Mom's mentioned a dog's name that I don't remember at all before.

Would you ever get a face tattoo? I'd NEVER get a big one, but I'm doubtful I'll even get a tiny one. I'm quite sure I don't want any on my face.

How much was the rent/mortgage at the cheapest place you’ve ever lived? I have no way of knowing that because I've never been involved in the finances of anywhere I've lived.

Who in life have you felt the strongest need to protect? Uhhhh... that's hard? There are multiple people who come to mind, all in different sorta ways, but I SUPPOSE the absolute strongest would ultimately be for my older sister's three kids. I would fucking kill for them, with ZERO hesitation.

What is the cruelest thing a person has ever said to you? I really, really enjoyed being called a spineless, weak-willed deadweight that exaggerates her trauma, that was super cool.

Who do you think was the worst criminal in history? Probably Adolf Hitler, but idk. There have been many sick people, but Hitler definitely left the biggest impact with I'm assuming the largest casualty numbers in his name.

Which laws would you most like to change? Abortion needs to be a GLOBAL right, heightened gun control is FUCKING mandatory, LGBTQ+ rights should be a guarantee everywhere under the sun, capitalism should fucking burn to the ground, and I know there are SO many more, I'm just drawing a blank atm while knowing I'm missing very obvious shit.

Who is the person you most wanted to have an affair with but didn’t? I can confidently say I've never wanted that.

Who have you most feared in your life? My dad.

What is your strongest reason for your opinion on abortion? The being that already has a novel's worth of thoughts, feelings, emotions, desires, and memories comes WAAAAAAY fucking before the developing cells that have none of those. Full fucking stop.

What one natural thing would you most like to see? Aurora borealis.

[tinyboxxtink]

"...So I Married A Monster" *Chapter 6*

Note I was going to put a 'rough sex' gif under the cut for Lewis's shot, but I don't know if people want that. So here's a scared Rafael for your...pleasure?

Chapter 5

Chapter 7

Alright SO I posted a warning post earlier, but obviously I'm gonna put one here too.

This is probably the most graphic, dark chapter I've ever written for any story. With rape.

Please read at your own discretion.

Also it's a pretty short chapter, but trust me-- you wouldn't want it any longer. But I wrote another sweet short fluffy chapter after this one to make up for it.

@madamsnape921

@lolliepopsicle

@chasingeverybreakingwave

@milkshqke

@wanniiieeee

@gibbs274

@sassyada

@aprildecker-blog

@bookishfanfic

@stars-in-the-skies-world

@stars-trash-18

@omgsuperstarg

@objection-argumentative

@thatesqcrush

@shittanyy

@mrsrafaelbarba

@word-scribbless

@storiesofsvu

@believinghurts

--------------------------------

You did your best to keep calm and keep Billy happy as he aggressively groped at you with his hands, ripping off your shirt and then your bra before tossing you on the bed. Before all of this, you would have been super excited about the events transpiring. If there was one thing you and Billy were great at, it was sex. But somehow, this time it felt...different.

You didn’t know why, it didn’t make any sense to you. This was the same man, it was the same situation, he knew all your special places and you knew his. There were so many nights after he left you and the girls that you would dream about this moment, wishing for it so badly. But now that it was here, it almost felt...wrong.

“What’s wrong sweetie, you look like you’re somewhere else,” Billy stopped hungrily nibbling your neck to look into your eyes.

You used to look into those eyes and see such warmth and comfort, such lust and wanting. You had even told Rafael that you were still in love with Billy, so why didn’t you feel like it? Had they just been words? Words to hurt him because he hurt you by choosing Olivia?

Right now, that’s sure what it felt like. It felt like you were...cheating, on Rafael. Which was stupid, because you had literally just broken up with him. Didn't you? That’s what ‘done’ meant, right? Surely you had meant it in that moment; surely you meant it.

But now you weren’t sure.

“Hello, earth to Y/N!” Billy’s voice grew more agitated as he flicked you across the temple. He had never been so quick to anger before, you didn’t like this one bit.

“S-Sorry, baby,” You quickly put on a smile as your hand travelled down to his jeans, unhooking his belt. “It’s just been a day,”

“Oh, I know sweetheart,” He quickly changed his tune as soon as he felt you fondling with his belt. He helped you undo it and pulled off his jeans. You could feel his throbbing erection against your thigh.

“But daddy’s about to make it all better, I promise,” He gave you a sly grin.

You felt one hand wrap around your head and pulled it into his face even more aggressively than before. He began tugging at your hair as he attacked your neck and shoulders with hard, assertive bites. You remembered the sex between you two being rough, but you didn’t seem to recall it ever being this rough.

"Don't you like that, babe?" He asked as his mouth moved down your torso, pulling off your jeans this time.

"Mmmhmm…." You tried faking it as well as you could, feeling more and more uncomfortable the lower his mouth moved.

"Y'know, you used to be a LOT louder than this when we'd get down and dirty, baby girl," he observed while he moved to the end of the bed, ready to plunge inside you.

"Well Billy, the kids are in the next room," you thought of a plausible excuse as to why you weren't your "usual" self.

"Oh, makes sense," He nodded with a smile as he started chowing down on you like a sloppy dog.

You wanted to enjoy it, you tried to enjoy it, but you were accustomed to Rafael's sweet love making, he was so gentle with his tongue along your folds, taking time to enjoy every little moan and pleasure noise you made.You could often feel him smiling inside you while he gently lapped you up. You wished so badly you were with him right now. How had you fucked this up so badly?

Why didn't you listen to Rafael when he told you about Billy? Why had you not trusted him more? Why did you just react erratically just because you were mad at him? You should have thought it through, you should have heard him out. You should have--

"Alright now you're not even reacting Y/N, where the fuck are you?" Billy demanded.

"O-Oh I'm sorry Billy its just been--"

"A day. I know. You know I had a stressful fucking day too Y/N, having to deal with that prick ADA--- Wait," His eyes suddenly narrowed, he moved his face away from near your opening and looked you in the eyes, his glare in full effect.

Shit.

"Is that who you're thinking of right now? That fucking beaner?" He asked in an accusatory tone.

"He's Cuban not Mexican…." You muttered with a roll of your eyes.

"You really wanna get fucking cute with me right now, bitch?" He acted as if he was going to back hand you, but stopped himself.

"Billy!" You gasped. He had never been vulgar to you before.

"No, no Billy," He growled, pulling your naked body towards him.

"You're gonna stop thinking about that asshole right FUCKING now. I'm your goddamn husband, NOT him. I get to have you whenever I want and I want ALL of you. All of your attention, all of your fucking body. Do you understand me?" He snarled, practically drooling with rage.

"Y-Yes Billy," you tried not to start crying, now fully scared out your mind

"Good. Now flip over, I can't fucking look at you right now," He ordered you.

You flipped over to let him do doggie style but he started going in the wrong hole.

"Billy! What the fuck?" You tried not to yell.

"Well if you're gonna act like a whore thinking about other men than your husband, then I'm gonna fucking treat you like one. I'm gonna do what I want, and you're gonna shut up and take it. Got it?"

"B-Billy, please…." You pleaded with him. "Y-You know the last time we tried…"

"I don't give a FUCK, Y/N," He barked angrily. "I stopped last time because I didn't want to hurt you, because I loved you and you loved me. But now you've hurt me, so you're gonna hurt. REAL BAD," He barely rubbed some spit on his dick before he rammed it up your asshole.

You grabbed a pillow and screamed in pain, howling and trying to wriggle free from him. But he kept his hands wrapped tight around your stomach as he pumped rough and hard as fast as he could, getting off on the pain he was causing you, both mental and physical.

You tried to think of anything other than the pain, but it was so bad you could only cry and continue to scream into the pillow. It was worse than both times you went through labor, and that was saying something.

You prayed to God it would stop soon, he seemed to go on forever and ever. He was cackling softly as he felt you vibrating from the pain.

"Yeah, bet your fucking ADA didn't do you like this did he? What would he do if he saw you now? Hmmm….maybe we should find out,"

Your head snapped from out under the pillow at his threat. You saw him reaching for your phone that he had dropped next to your bed as he carried you into the bedroom.

"Oh God" You practically choked out, unable to speak from the pain. "N-n-no, Billy d-d-don't…"

"Oops would ya look at that I already did," Lewis shrugged with an evil smile.

----

Rafael was busy helping Olivia plan a rescue mission/battle plan when his phone went off. A FaceTime call request from you. He was absolutely terrified to answer it, but he had to answer it. He had to. As soon as he did, he wished he hadn't.

"Hey there Barba'' Lewis panted, a maniacal smile on his face. "You're missing all the fun!"

He could see Lewis had you pinned to the bed, shoving in and out of you forcefully. Your head was shoved into a pillow, to keep from screaming he imagined. He didn't know if he wanted you to look at him or not. He was watching you get raped, and he wanted to vomit.

Olivia noticed the horrified look on his face and stopped talking with the squad.

"Rafa are you-- ohmygod!" She instantly saw the revolting scene on his phone and immediately started pushing him into an interrogation room.

"Nobody needs to see this," Olivia started to shut the door but not before Lewis got to shout "NICE TO SEE YOU TOO DETECTIVE!!" At her.

Rafael was trying his best not to start sobbing; he didn't want to give Lewis the satisfaction. But the more he heard your muffled whimpers and screams of pain, the more he couldn't hold it back anymore.

"Lewis let her go," he begged. "Please I'll do anything you want, just let her go…."

"Well see Barba that's the problem," Lewis smirked. "I want Y/N to--" he suddenly stopped pumping you, feeling your body go limp. He angled the phone downward to reveal blood coming out of your anus and starting to cover the bed. You had passed out from the pain.

"Sorry Barba I'm gonna have to call you back, I have a situation," Lewis half laughed while wiping your blood off his dick.

"What the fuck-- LEWIS!!!" He screamed. "You better be calling a FUCKING ambulance!"

"Chill Barba, I'm sure she's fine. Just a little boo boo. I'll shove some toilet paper up there and she'll be good as new!" Lewis dismissed it, taking a pillow and putting it under your legs so the blood would at least attempt to stay in.

“Good ol’ RICE,” Lewis smirked, thinking of the old term they used in gym class back in the day. ‘Rest Immobilize Cold Elevate’.

“Now if I can get an ice pack from the freezer and tape it there…” Lewis thought out loud.

"Fuck you if you don't call one I will send one, I know exactly where you are" Rafael was losing his patience with him.

"NO, you're not," Lewis warned. "I'm not about to scare my girls by having cops and ambulances showing up here with all the bells and whistles,"

"She's going to DIE, asshole!!!" Rafael continued to scream. "You think your daughters won't notice THAT?"

"Look if she doesn't wake up in a few minutes I'll take her to an Urgent Care, tell 'em she liked it a little TOO rough, Kay?" He said flippantly.

"The fuck you will--" Rafael started to tell again but Lewis put the phone up to his face real nice and close.

"If you send ANYONE here Barba, she'll bleed out before you can touch her," He warned.

"Lewis…" Rafael was shaking. "Don't you love her? You told her you did, don't you care about her at all?"

"Of course I love her!" He snapped. "I'll always love her, she's the mother of my children. That creates a bond, greater than the two of you will ever have,"

"So why are you---"

"Because she needed to be reminded of that bond." Lewis explained. "She was thinking about you while WE were being intimate. I can't let shit like that slide, Barba," Lewis explained while gesturing to your unconscious body. He removed the pillow from your head so Rafael could the tear stained splotches on your face from screaming and crying so hard. Your face was almost white, he wasn’t even sure you were breathing.

"No…." Rafael's voice fell soft.

You had been thinking of him? Wishing you were with him? While Lewis was...having his way with you? He had caused this, he had caused your pain. You were being punished for simply loving him, and that broke his heart even more than it already was.

"You have a nice night there, counselor, ta!" Lewis's evil chuckle came through the screen before it went black.

The image of your body laying there unconscious and bleeding was going to be forever burned into Rafael's mind. He had to do something. SOMETHING.

He bursted out of the interrogation room where the team was still discussing strategy. Olivia immediately went to his side, knowing what he had just been through.

"Liv we--" he tried to stop from crying and compose himself. "We have to go there. We have to get her. We HAVE to,"

"Okay, Okay Rafa," Olivia tried to calm him down while the rest of the squad looked on in shock. They had zero idea what was happening.

"We'll go get her, it'll be okay," She assured him while trying to get him to calm down.

He hoped they wouldn't be too late.

[artificialqueens]

Gimme Love, 4/9 (Miz Cracker/Blair St Clair) - Grinder

AN: Hey, guys! So I realised I forgot to explain the idea behind this story. This is part of a series I'm working on called 'Head in the Clouds' - stories that are inspired by the music of Joji. This story is loosely based off the music video for 'Gimme Love'. I couldn't make sense of the actual video cause it goes by so fast (if you watch it you'll see what I mean), but I kind of have an idea.

Thanks for listening to my TEDtalk.

Major Trigger warnings: Dementia, death, grief, homophobic slurs

-_-_-_-

2003

"Brianna, could you come here?"

I put my pen down on the kitchen table, not really minding that Grandpa was interrupting me. The studying was tiring, if anything.

Walking into his room, I found him getting up from his desk.

"Hey, Grandpa," I said.

"Brianna, do me a favour, baby. Could you read me this one chapter?" He asked, retreating to his bed.

Bit of an odd request for him. "Why? What's up?"

I picked it up, one of the many books that delved into the science and possibility of the existence of parallel universes.

"I'm just...finding it kind of hard to concentrate." He laughed to himself. He made a groaning sound as his back hit the bed.

I sat by him and read about 3 chapters before he said, "that'll do. Thanks, honey."

I got up and moved to the desk, briefly glancing at the front cover, at the main character with his telescope. Far off memories flashed in my brain. I put the book down, turning to face him.

"What are you smiling at, honey?" Grandpa asked, a smile appearing on his own face.

"I just...remember the night you told Jujubee and me about 'the other world'. We haven't stopped talking about it since." I admitted, putting the book back on his desk. "And we'd always play these games like we were there. Our lives would be so different. And just a little bit better."

"And then you found yourself wanting that in reality." Grandpa finished for me.

I was silent, but he knew he was right. "It's not that I didn't appreciate what I already had. It's just...whenever my anxiety was surfacing, or whenever someone was mean in school, or whenever I thought of my parents, I'd just...want to escape." I sat down in the chair next to his bed again, taking his hand in mine and squeezing it reassuringly. "Didn't you ever feel the same?"

Grandpa breathed out a sigh through his nose, his smiling widening. "Brie, of course, I have. All the games you and Juju played, it's called escapism. And it's nothing to be ashamed of."

"Wouldn't you ever try to find one?"

"Find what?"

"I don't know. A door? A gateway to the other world?"

He didn't even need to tell me 'yes.' He had spent many years reading the books, sometimes reading them more than once, making notes and coming up with his own theories. He probably felt the same way I did. In darker times, when things didn't feel like they'd get any better, he was curious about his other-self.

I knew the answer was yes. But I liked hearing him talk about these things.

"Baby, it's something I've always wanted to do. I always...wanted to know if it was possible...to slip into that other world, find this house, and just hope and pray my wife would still be on the other side of that door. I'd kiss her hand and bring her back here. And, life would be complete." He confessed. His smile was sweet but also sad, "But you know, with old age comes difficulties. My brain ain't what it used to be. Just all these words. Sometimes, they're...foreign to me."

This was the beginning of a long year. All the signs started out small, usually, Grandpa looking out the window wondering when his wife would come back from the store and losing the ability to read.

And over time, it slowly began to escalate, getting worse with each month. So bad to the point he'd take his seat belt off at a red light and try to get out. Or he'd shout at Mom, saying she's going the wrong way. Every piece of my Grandpa was slipping away.

And it was all taking a toll on my own happiness.

"You look pretty today." Jujubee commented as we walked through the hallway.

"If you say so." That was all I could reply with.

"No, really. Your hair looks really cute like that." She tried again.

I had no idea what she was talking about. I literally pinned two pieces from the front to the back of my head. It was a half-assed attempt of trying to convince everyone I gave a fuck anymore.

"Yeah, right, Juju. I look no better than I did yesterday. Or the day before. And the day before that.

Jujubee paused for a moment, whereas I continued on. "Are you OK?"

I turned to look at her. "Yeah." I lied. "Why wouldn't I be?"

I wasn't ready for this, Jujubee concerns. The truth was I never told her about my Grandpa because then she'd want to talk about it, then I'd cry, then I'd probably go home and have a breakdown, then I'd give Mom more shit to worry about.

Judging from her knit brows, she wasn't buying it. Before she could even ask anything else, I turned back around, just wanting to get on with things and get to my next class on time. But Trevor just had to be there. He knocked me hard on the shoulder, making me drop my books and almost fall to the ground.

He quickly spun around, watching me collect my books. "Man, who put that trash there?"

I glanced at him with a scorn.

"Hey, douchebag," Jujubee stepped in front of Trevor, "I can see you're a little butt-hurt now that your sex life is dryer than a nuns vagina."

My eyes were wide now, knowing that wouldn't sit well.

"What did you fucking say to me?" Trevor raised a brow.

"You heard." Jujubee said with such spite. "Why don't you go rub one out to your Mom or something? Stop projecting all your problems onto my girl?"

Trevor scoffed a laugh. "Your girl? What are you, a couple of dykes?"

My jaw was almost on the ground. I looked around, noting the students observing as they passed by. I couldn't let them know my secret. I couldn't.

"Why? Does that make us all the more interesting?" Jujubee squinted her eyes. "Honey, don't pretend the thought of us 'dykes’ making out doesn't make an insecure guy like you hard."

A sound emitted from my throat - A panicked sound. Like a yell, one that was dragging its way up my throat, fighting to get out. The attention of everyone around was on the situation, since when? I had only become aware now of the sounds of thrill and excitement. I was internally panicking. How many people were there? Were they even looking at me?

"Not in your wildest dreams, honey." Trevor practically spat the last word before deciding he was finished. He turned and walked away.

Jujubee approached me, rolling her eyes. "God, does he know when to quit?"

But I just stared at her, pretty sure I was trembling. My eyes were still wide, and my jaw stiff.

"Brie?" She blinked.

I could feel it, the lump in my throat beginning to form, like a hard stone that was lodged in place. Blinking a few times, I held the books tighter to my chest and turned to walk away.

"Brianna, what the fuck?" Jujubee came after me.

"Juju, just...leave me the fuck alone." My voice cracked as I quickened my pace.

She didn't follow me anymore. Thank fuck. Because next thing I knew, I was in a bathroom cubicle, quietly crying. I stupidly decided to not go to class. I say stupidly because, during the last period, Denali leaned over and told me she thought they suspended me. When I asked why she would even think that, she said the rumours spread fast, that I had punched Jujubee.

Oh, high school drama.

Of course, Jujubee didn't deserve this. She was only doing her friendly duty and looking out for me. But I didn't need any more shit from Trevor. I didn't want all those eyes on me as I walked the corridors. My home life was already too much.

I wanted to hold on to my Grandpa for as long as I could. But seeing his health dwindle, it felt like someone was coming to get him. And no matter how much I wanted to hold on, they were going to take him away no matter what.

Around 7 months in, his immune system was beginning to fail. He was bedridden.

I'd sit with him for at least an hour every day, either reading to him, feeding him, or just having a long talk. I had a tendency to write down at least one sentence from each conversation like it would provide me with some comfort, like he was still there. When in reality he was...he was...

"Why the sad face, baby?"

I snapped out of my trance, blinking a few times as I looked at him. "Nothing. Just thinking."

"What happened? Did someone break your heart?" He asked, following it up with a laugh.

I let myself smile. "No, thank God. I'm just sleepy. I had a long day at school."

"That's a shame. I was gonna suggest we break out the old telescope. I bet we'd find Cassiopeia if we tried hard enough."

My mouth formed a hard line, unsure of how to respond. As much as I wanted so badly to sit out in the garden with him, he wouldn't even be able to make it there.

"You sure you're OK, Brianna?" Grandpa asked.

"Yeah, I'm just thinking." I looked away, studying my nails instead.

"Well, if it's not a heartache, I bet someones caught your eye?" He asked with a smirk.

I couldn't help but allow the corners of my lips to curve up. "Yeah, actually."

"Oooh." He cooed. "And what are they like?"

I thought for a second, debating how I should answer. To be honest or not. If I lied, would it even make a difference?

Looking at his innocent face, I decided fuck it.

"Sweet. Beautiful. The bluest eyes I've ever seen." I paused. "She's an absolute angel."

Grandpa was silent momentarily. But just as the nerves were beginning to surface, he replied, "and does she know how you feel?"

"No."

"Well, why don't you let her know?"

I took a deep breath in. "Because...I don't know if she likes me back. I don't know if she even likes girls."

"All you can do is try."

"It's not that simple," I spoke quietly. "She's...popular. She's beautiful. She's...everything that I'm not."

My eyes drifted to my hands once again. If I cried, would it even matter? Wouldn't he forget?

"Don't say that about yourself, honey." He reached a hand out and put it on mine. "You don't actually believe that, do you?"

I lifted my gaze again, looking at him with glossy eyes. My silence spoke volumes.

"Oh, no, Brianna." He said with such disappointment. "I can't believe you feel that way. Ain't you ever stopped to look at yourself?"

"No," I whispered. "I can't stand it."

"You need to. Because you are prettier than you know." His own eyes were glistening now. "You may not believe me, but someday you're gonna meet someone who will show you."

I dabbed the inner corner of my eye, "You really think that?"

"I know."

"That means a lot." I smiled.

He gave one final pat to my hand and pulled it away. "Do me a favour, honey. Could you get me some juice?"

"Sure."

I stood up and left for the kitchen.

On my way, I passed through the hall, catching a glance at my reflection. Naturally, I would have disregarded it. But I stopped and stood in front of it. And I just looked.

I wasn't immediately satisfied. But upon taking my glasses off, my opinion changed. I learned pretty quickly my eyes were the best from my facial features.

I smiled. Best not. My frown was oddly alluring. I tried smiling again, this time with teeth. But the braces just ruined the mood.

Putting my glasses on again, I almost jumped out of my skin when I felt tiny paws tap my feet. Of course, it was just Piggie. I scooped him up and looked at both of us together.

"God has favourites, Piggie. Take a wild guess out of us two who it is." I looked at his face in the mirror.

He cocked his head, looking at his own reflection like he couldn't figure out what was going on.

I carried on to the kitchen with Piggie still in my arms, poured the juice and made my way back to Grandpa's room.

I pushed open the door with my foot.

Grandpa's head quickly shot up as I walked in.

"Sorry it took so long. I - -"

"Who are you??"

I froze on the spot. "It's me."

"Roberta! Roberta, there's somebody in the fucking house!!"

My brain went into panic mode. I set the juice to the side, put Piggie out into the hall and approached the bed.

He was continuously shouting, thrashing around in the bed as if to escape. I tried grabbing his hands, reassuring him it was me, his Grandchild. We had literally just been talking.

But he only roared over the sound of my voice, trying to fight my hands off him.

"Pop! It's OK!" Mom rushed into the room. "It's just Brianna!"

I took a step back, letting her take control. He stared at me with an intense level of fear. What did he think I was going to do? Who did he think I was?

"Brie, go to your room or something. I'll calm him down." Mom commanded with a crack in her voice.

With a wavered breath, I left. The sounds of his shouts, I couldn't bear it. I had to get away, even for a little bit. I needed out.

I hurried out the front door, stuffing my arms inside my jacket sleeves, and marched down the path. I didn't even look back at the colourful house. I just wandered. Wherever my feet were going to take me, I'd be fine.

In a sense, I felt cruel, like I was selfish. Despite wanting to be around my Grandpa for as long as possible, I couldn't stand moments like these. But you'd think dealing with this for so long would have toughened me up a bit.

Not even in the slightest.

There I was, marching down the street, trying hard not to have an episode. I tried to maintain my breathing, but the fast pace in my step didn't help. My hands were clammy, not that having them in my pockets helped.

Again, I had no idea where I was going. My eyes remained fixated on the ground. Therefore I was oblivious to the person hastily approaching.

"Brianna, Jesus!"

Jujubee now stood in front of me with her hand on my shoulder. I opened my mouth to speak, but she beat me to it.

"I said your name like 5 times, girl." Jujubee dropped her hand. Her eyes looked me up and down, "What happened? You're shaking."

I was?

"I…" I tucked a strand of hair behind my hair, "I need a cigarette or something."

Jujubee dragged me to the bus shelter, sat me down on the ground like we were still children, parking our behinds wherever the fuck we wanted.

Despite the feeling of anxiety burning my insides, I did spark up a cigarette, anything to shift my thoughts from the current state of my family. Just something normal.

"Girl, are you sure that's a good idea right now?" Jujubee was itching to snatch it from my hand and toss it.

Instead, I said, "Jujubee?"

"Yeah?"

Eyes still glued to the ground, I blinked, "This is it. He's dying."

Jujubee didn't even need to ask. She knew about his dementia for months now. I had no choice but to tell her. The stress from it all got too much, and I was becoming more and more irritable. It was unfair to put her through that. I had to tell her everything.

Jujubee shuffled closer, "What happened?"

I couldn't bring myself to even tell her. Words couldn't even begin to describe the feeling. That feeling of just grabbing him by the hand, and running away as far as possible, so this sickness would just leave us alone.

I blew out a long cloud of smoke, closing my eyes as I let my chest deflate.

There was something about this moment in time. 9PM, at the bus shelter, sitting on the cold ground, smoking a cigarette, Jujubee by my side, her hand now in mine. It didn't feel real. None of it did.

Yet this wasn't foreign to me - This bus stop was the same one from my childhood, that day when baby Blair and I hid from the rain. Funny how the younger version of myself thought I was protecting her from her abusive father.

As bad of a time it was, the thought was comforting in the current moment, sitting there with Blair. The only problem I faced those days was my emotional outbursts and the emotional toll they took on my Mom. Oh, how naive I was, completely unaware of how life could get any harder.

Only 3 weeks later, Grandpa was hospitalised, his immune system reaching its lowest point. I visited him every day after school. There were more moments of forgotten memory, but it made it less frightening with Mom by my side.

One day in particular, however, he seemed in better spirits. It was as if the old him was back, just for a few hours.

"I'm going to the soda machine. You want anything, baby?" Mom stood up from her chair, pulling her purse from her bag.

"I'm good." I gave her a gracious smile.

She nodded, taking another look at my Grandpa before she even moved to the door. I could see the reluctance behind her eyes. She did this every time she left the room, no matter where she was going.

My eyes followed her as she left. Grandpa spoke, "Now that she's gone, any update on that girl?" He asked. I looked back in surprise. How he had remembered that was mind-blowing. He continued, "we haven't had a one-to-one conversation in a long time, honey. Give me an update."

I breathed a sigh out, lifting my brows briefly. "Nothing has become of it, no."

"Go get her, kiddo. You've got nothing to lose."

I smiled sadly. Easier said than done, Grandpa.

He coughed. "Lord, I'd love a cigarette right about now. Do me a favour, though; please stop smoking."

I wasn't completely shocked. He had noticed on a few occasions that he was down a cigarette. "I will." I wasn't lying. But I wasn't making any promises either.

"Brianna?" Grandpa looked at me now.

"Yeah?" I put my feet up on his bed, leaning back in my chair.

"Promise me one thing?"

"Of course."

His eyes remained on me, and he smiled briefly. "Promise me that you'll find a way to the other world. Could you do that for me?"

I had to admit, It was a huge thing to ask of someone like me. It was terrible to say, but I couldn't help but feel this was sort of selfish. Yes, he was on the brink of death, but how could he expect me to be such a miracle worker.

Instead of protesting, however, I just said, "Sure."

Two days later, he passed away.

I didn't cry at all, vowing that I would remain strong for Mom. I had already had my turn at grieving my own parents. And she was by my side for all of that.

Now it was my turn to be there for her. Throughout the whole funeral, I had my arms wrapped around her shoulders, like she had done for me throughout the years. It was a strange feeling - being the one to take care of her for a change. Her head on my chest, hand squeezing mine, it was just so hard to accept.

I almost thought she was going to crumble when they lowered his casket into the ground.

As I said before, there are two types of people in this world; those who hate the sight of their Mother crying and fucking liars.

Because, even though she was my Mother, she was his little girl. And losing a parent is losing a huge part of your life.

Everyone was invited back to the house after the funeral in the hopes the togetherness would lighten the mood.

Of course, it didn't fix everything, but it did allow us some time to breathe.

"You OK, Brianna?" Aunt Monét asked as I handed her some tea.

"I'm fine." Obviously, that was a lie.

I really did think I was doing everyone a favour by putting up the strong front. Little did I know the toll this would take on my own emotional well being. That whenever Grandpa came up in conversation, I'd run. If only I had realised that sooner.

I was afraid of questions like Monét had asked. So school would be a nightmare. Thankfully I was granted 2 weeks off.

The first week I lay in bed, watching box sets of The X Files. Pretty sure I almost gave myself a bladder infection from just laying there too long.

The second week, I finally decided to stop lying around and be useful. Mom recommended I break out the telescope one night. So I invited Jujubee over. I warned her beforehand that she was not to ask me any concerning questions or treat me any different. Of course, she was different with me. But she didn't ask any questions. We just carried on, looking up at the stars through the telescope.

The same week, I also found myself sitting in his room, feeling his presence very much there with me. So I took to reading his books out loud in the hopes I could keep his spirit entertained.

However, I only became interested in the books myself. I read one book. Then another. And another. And another. Fiction and non-fiction. All based on parallel universes. I couldn't get enough of it.

And reading turned into studying - taking notes, hypothesising, questioning.

And then I got Jujubee interested. Just 4 weeks after beginning, it was more than just a hobby. It was a prospect.

-_-_-_-

2020

"Miss. Caldwell. Miss Caldwell, ma'am."

I snapped back to reality, embarrassed that I had even blacked out at all. You'd think I'd know there were more important things at stake, now that I was in the presence of the Secretary of Defence, at a meeting in the middle of an almost empty hangar. Everyone around me, my team included, were important people. I needed them to believe I was on the same level as they were.

"Yes, the atmosphere of the other world," I said, hoping he would think I was listening.

"We're beyond that point now, actually." The General pointed out, standing with his hands behind his back. I couldn't lie. I felt intimidated by him, what with the uniform and all.

I glanced at his black badge, which matched mine. Did that mean I was a general like him now? Were we even on the same level? 'Cause when I woke up that morning, I tripped over my own feet and almost hit my head off the ground. I couldn't be on this guy's level.

"I asked if this place would be big enough for the construction of the rocket." He asked.

I looked around at the wide space. Yeah, it was huge, but when it came to constructing a rocket, that was all beyond me. Sure, it would probably take a good 3 minutes to walk from one end to the other. But was it high enough? I had no idea what I could even say to this guy. "Yeah, it's good."

I hoped it would be good.

"Then it's yours." He gave a quick smile. It didn't make me feel any less intimidated. He began pointing out different sections of the place, a small lab in one corner, offices in another, along the left wall was a cafeteria, and 4 sets of surprisingly clean bathrooms.

All this space, it was mine. And only an hour after the meeting with the General, we were already shipping equipment over.

"This is wild. You could fit two concert halls in here." Jujubee slipped an arm around my shoulders, the pair of us watching as a truck pulled into the hangar, carrying more gear.

I blew a sigh of relief out through my mouth. "I just can't believe this is happening. Like, why me, of all people? When do good things ever happen like this? Like, didn't I always say 'why do bad things happen to good people?'"

Jujubee laughed, "girl, good things DO happen to you. You have a luxury apartment in New York, you're filthy rich, you're a celebrity." She playfully punched me in the arm.

"Well, you're not wrong." I shrugged.

"You deserve every bit of this." She turned to get a better look at me. "You fought for so long to get people on board with this project. You continued on when people doubted you when they laughed. I think you deserve good things to happen to you."

I smiled bashfully, looking to the ground for a brief moment, "Aw, Juju," looking back to her, she lifted a hand and held my cheek. Naturally, I would have shied away, but not now. At this moment, I absolutely adored this bitch. "I couldn't have done this without you."

"I know. You've told me." She pinched my cheek before looking away.

Her hand fell by her side, so I took it in mine. "No, really. You think I would have continued without you here? You remember all those times I wanted to give up? All the times you called me out on my bullshit?"

"Hey, somebody had to do it." She shrugged in return yet swung my hand.

"That's very true." I looked at her for a moment longer. Only now did I notice the way her lashes fluttered when she blinked, how cute that was.

Her eyes moved around the large space again. "Think we could fit a Starbucks in here?"

I pulled my gaze away from her, also having another look around. "Girl, you could fit fucking 10 Starbucks in here." I raised a brow in her direction then. "Should I?"

She laughed as she continued to swing my hand like we were just children again. Honestly, that's what I felt like; A small child in her own Kingdom.

[barnesandrogersfanfics]

With All Your Heart - Part 3

"Jesus Y/N where is your head at today?" Nat scolded you as she knocked you on my ass for the 100th time in the past hour.

"In the gutter Nat where else" you smirk at her, it wasn't a lie! All you kept thinking about was Bucky!! How nice it was waking up in his arms.... how you wanted more!

"We need to get you laid girl!" Nat laughed holding her hand out to help you up off the floor.

"I know right!" You admitted whilst grabbing your towel from the side and wiping the sweat from your brow "I've got all this pent up energy i need to get out of my system.... even being in here aint helping! Especially when we've got half naked super soldiers standing across from us" you nod in the direction of where Steve and Bucky were working out in just a pair of shorts, both doing weights and making the most sexual grunting noises you have ever heard in a gym!!

"Is it just me or are those grunting noises...."

"Sounding very sexual??" She finished and nodded her head "its not just you"

"Oh thank god" you laughed and caught the attention of the two grunting soldiers.

"You ladies okay?" Steve called over sitting up on the bench.

"Peachy Cap" you called back while turning your back to them to hide your laughing.

"You sure?? You seem to find something quite amusing"

"Its nothing Steve, just girl talk" Nat winked at him as you both walked over to the treadmills.

"Well if you need anything we'd be happy to assist you" he said politely and Nat and you both burst out laughing before starting a quick paced jog on the treadmills.

"What??" You hear Steve ask as he walked over to us, he wanted to know what was going on now. Bucky was looking over curious to what we were talking about.

"The kinda help she needs is a little outta your job description Steve"

"Natasha!!" You snap shaking your head at her, the woman had no filter sometimes.

"Oh.... oh you mean...."

"Sex Steven, you can say it. Its not a bad word" Nat said teasing him at how uncomfortable he looked.

"Nat leave him alone" you say hitting the stop button and slowly coming to a stop.

"Steve can you help me stretch, if i don't do it properly I'm gonna cramp like a bitch later"

"S..sure" he nodded quickly with a smile and walked over to the mats. He led you through some basic stretches, then he was kneeling between your legs pushing one back towards your chest a little further than you could manage on my own. It felt so good you let out a quiet moan and instantly felt your cheeks flush red "you okay?" Steve asked looking concerned, you nod quickly and laughed nervously "yeah I'm fine, that just felt really good"

"Oh my god get a room you two" Nat laughed as she walked passed.

"Nat i swear to god I'm gonna kick your ass you keep on" you called after your best friend.

"You don't stand a chance while that mind of yours is in the gutter Stark!"

"Shes right" you huff throwing your arm over your eyes dramatically.

"That we should get a room??" Steve asked wide eyed making you laugh.

"No, about me not standing a chance while my mind is in the gutter" you sat up and tapped him on the arm "don't worry cap i wont corrupt you".

"Maybe id corrupt you" he shrugged casually "how would you know??"

"Fair point" you smirked getting to your feet "id be too much for you to handle though Cap" you say patting his chest and walking out.

"See ya later Buck" you smile sweetly at him as you passed.

"What the hell was that about??" Bucky asked Steve once they were alone, Steve shook his head looking just as confused as Bucky.

"I have no idea!!"

"Was you coming onto her??"

"I.... i don't think so"

"Well do you like her?"

"Of course i like her"

"You know what i mean!"

"I don't know Buck, i think i just got caught in the moment" he shrugged then looked at his best friend with wide eyes "wait... do YOU like her??"

"W..what.... no of course not" he said quickly but the red blush that crossed his face said he did.

"Bucky you can tell me pal, I'm not going to judge you. It will stay between us i promise" Steve said to his friend, now he thought about it he couldn't believe he didn't see it sooner.

"So what if i do like her Steve?? Y/N will never see me like that" he said sadly.

"How do you know that?? You haven't even given her a chance"

"Come on man if shes into anyone its you! She's always so open and flirty with you. Don't think i haven't noticed the way shes so comfortable around you, the touches between you"

"Maybe shes trying to see if she gets a reaction from you when shes close with me. You were always so stand offish with her.... she didn't think you liked her pal"

"She makes me nervous okay!" Bucky suddenly snapped "i don't know how to act around her! And then she was always sitting there talking about all these terrible dates she was going on.... i couldn't stay and listen to her talk about being with other guys, so id just leave the room"

"Well then maybe you should ask to take her out yourself??" Steve smirked.

"She'd never say yes to me Steve" Bucky said dropping his head sadly.

"Well you better make your move pal, that girl is needing some attention and she'll go on more of those ridiculous dates to get it" he slapped Bucky on the back and went to go take a shower.

***

After the show put on by the super soldiers in the gym and having Steve between your legs while stretching you were super horny! On the way back to your rooms Nat had suggested a girls night which you instantly agreed to. Now you were in the shower with your vibrator trying to relieve some of the sexual tension you were experiencing before going out. Your breathing was heavy as you felt yourself start to clench tighter.... your mind replaying the images of a shirtless Bucky and those amazing grunting noises he had been making. It was enough to send you over the edge and let out a loud moan as your free hand grabbed hold of the wall to steady your wobbly legs.

"Fucking hell" you sighed closing your eyes and trying to catch your breath, this was getting ridiculous! It was then you heard a knocking at your door "just a second" you call out quickly turning off the shower and grabbing a towel, you wrap it around yourself and make your way through your room to open the door.

"Oh.... S..sorry!" Bucky stuttered looking away from you when he saw you in just a towel.

"Its okay Buck" you say smiling up at him "whats up?"

"I just... i thought we could talk"

"Id love that, really i would but I'm getting ready to go out for girls night with Nat and Wanda"

"Oh okay never mind... it was just an idea..." he said looking flustered at you rejecting his offer.

"Hey, how about tomorrow morning? We can go to that diner down the street that you like, Just you and me?" You offer and he smiles instantly.

"Yeah id like that" he nodded "have a nice night" he gave you a smile before making his way back to his room.

****

You chose to wear a tight fitted burgundy dress (that didn't leave too much to the imagination but made you feel sexy) and a pair of black heals, your hair was curled loosely and your make up natural looking with a slight smokey eye. You were ready for a night out with your girls and you felt good about yourself!

You head out to the kitchen to meet Nat and Wanda. Wanda was already out there waiting for us like usual making some drinks before we started our night.

"Y/N dear?" Tony said looking at you over the papers he was reading.

"yes brother?" You say in a tone that warned him you were not in the mood for his witty comments, of course that didnt stop him.

"Did you loose half of that dress??" He asked, making you instantly roll your eyes "i mean your almost exposing your....." he waved his hand over his groin area.

"Im perfectly covered, you cant see anything" you assured him.

"Im just saying you could have picked a dress with a bit more material to it sweetheart"

"I bet Nats is worse than mine and you wont say a word to her"

"Like i said before Nat is not my baby sister"

"Tony im not a baby anymore you dont have to worry about me"

"You will aways be my baby sister and i will always worry about you" he stated simply "im sorry kid but i cant just turn that off".

"Wow!"

"Jesus christ...."

Came the voices of Steve and Bucky as they walked in and saw what you were wearing.

"Oh god your gonna give these old men a heart attack walking around dressed like that Y/N" Tony commented.

"Well i think she looks hot" Wanda smiled hooking her arm through yours and giving you a smile.

"She does! You both do!" Steve nodded

"Hey dont forget about me!" Nat said as she strolled in to join us finally.

"You all look stunning"

"Thank you Steve, we do look pretty hot tonight ladies" Nat said as she pushed the drinks Wanda had made towards us "drink up and lets get this party started!!"

You, Nat and Wanda down your drinks and start to get ready to leave, Bucky had walked over to get a bottle of water from the fridge behind you and as you was about to leave he leaned in and quietly said "you look real nice doll" with a killer smile that made your insides turn to mush. You feel your cheeks burn but wasn't sure if it was from your drink or Bucky's compliment!!

"Thanks Buck" you reply quickly following the girls out before you make a complete idiot of yourself in front of Bucky.