#ive been feeling rly frustrated with not being understood by others

[composeregg]

Fun 5am facts about Egg tonight

I was marked down in Spanish in high school for not rolling my R's because I am like physically incapable of it and I never realized how bullshit that was until like now. Like when I try it hurts. And no one listened to me say I can't, they just told me to try harder.

[ohlookitsthearkhamknight]

TW FOR SEXUAL ASSAULT and pedophiles and other stuff that i discuss.

Okie dokie due to some people on here i just wanna explain some things okie doke

And real quick im gonna say this. As much as preist charactersation of slade gets on my nerves he was EXTREMELY correct on the whole terra thing. At least he understood that much.

Yes in the judas contract it was "implied" (i mean implied as there was not a legit confirmnatiom that they actually slept together other than a "scene" that doesnt delict much so unless wolfman comes out and says its true i dont believe it) that slade and terra slept together. Now before you go oh wtf are you talking about hes a fucking pedo listen

A pedophile is someone who enjoys going after kids. Who LIKES them.

Now lets look at slade and terra.

Terra was underaged but also had a thing for slade and was taken advatage of at a young age which is not her fault but she enjoyed slade and liked it.

Slade could not stand terra but to keep her around would RARELY do anything to her like that. Yeah he manipulated and groomed her and it was fucked up. But he didnt do it because he LIKED HER he did it so he could get back to the titans for "killing" his son ehich is the paint point there.

Yes slade did manipulate a minor. Yes terra at her age did not know any better and its extremely fucked up but as she gets older she doesnt rly change but thats a whole nother thing other than what were talking about.

Now before we continue lets remember one thing real quick ALL THAT SHIT HAS BEEN RETCONED MMMM K

now that ive said that lets look at whats still canon.

So if youve read rebirth there is a scene that shows terra breaking down and wanting to leave so slade begrudgingly kisses her to calm down and stay with the plan. Yeah its fucked up and sickening but thing is he didnt enjoy it he only did it to keep her there and it was extremely fucked up. And yeah that makes him a bad person but not a pedophile. If he enjoyed it then yeah he would be a fucking pedo and i wouldnt be talking about this.

I just get pissed when people swing aroumd the word pedophile and slap it on anybody because then it slowly loses its actual meaning.

A pedophole is someone that activily likes kids which slade doesnt. Also if he were one then he wouldnt have acknowledged what he and terra "had" was wrong. And he wouldnt still be getting comics, have the fans he has and all that shit.

Slades a bad person yes. But a pedophile no not in my eyes. Believe me i know what a pedophile is. I go to therapy because of one. Alot of this has been said by others to be bad writing which it is but its canon so oh well. This along with other things shaped slade into thie horrible being he is today and im not gonna lie its kinda frustrating because idk in my eyes this wasnt who he is suppose to be but this is what dc does.

Listen i dont care if at the end of the day you dont like deathstroke but i am begging you to understand everything that has happened, what was retconed, and what a pedophile actually is.

Yeah i know slade did horrible things but you need to understand some people ignore it or take it out completly (and also actually understand what happened and didnt happen). And as writers come and go that always changes. Like Christ all the og judas stuff was retconed. Like the entire thing. All of it was left up to the readers in the end. And i made my choice becsuse this is the thing.

reading judas comtract and then reading the first deathstroke series is such a huge change of charactersation thats it confusing. Like i dont even know what all happened because it was all "implied". But in the end if something did happen it was retconed anyway.

At the end of this all im saying is. You can still like a character and understand its flaws. You dont have a right to go up to someone and call them a horrible person for likeing a character you think is a "pedophile".

There is a lot more here than just that but thats all im going to say. Yeah deathstroke has bad problems but those problems change like leafs in the wind and its not for you to tell others what to do. Like ok i get it you hate him whatever but its not for you to go up to someone and make them feel bad and tell them what they are when its not true.

If you hate slade that much blacklist the damn tag. Im tired of argueing with people. And im tired of seeing people go after others over something as stupid as a damn fictional character.

- a person who knows what a pedophile actually is because its the fucking reason shes in therapy so for the love of god quite throwing it around everywhere.

[doyouevenshipbr0]

gruvia dabble

author's note: bruh. yall knew i had to write SOMETHING!!! these last couple weeks have been CRAZY for us gruvia lovers ughhh im so happy!!! and ok im probably eventually going to write what i think will happen in the upcoming chapters before they come out, but i usually don't like to write fics based on like what i think will happen in the next chap. cus then when my fic is just completely disproven by the following chapter im kinda like "eh thats kind of a waste." u know what im saying?? ik theyre called "fan fiction" for a reason but idk. i like to write things that could actually be in the realm of possibilities for the canon. ok does that make any sense??? ok well this fic is heavily inspired by our beautiful chapter 26. also it is soooo like 192727 other drabbles ive already written hehe. also this literally doesnt rly make sense tbh. i just wanted gray telling juvia his thought process like he did w juvina. so. enjoy❤️❤️❤️

*

"Gray-sama would you like to-" Juvia eagerly approached her dear Gray. Since the guild was finally up and running again after the Alvarez war, she couldn't wait to spend actual quality time with Gray. They hadn't really gotten to since they were so busy with the construction of the guild.

"Nope. Goin' on a job." Gray casually walked passed Juvia with his hands in his pockets.

"Eh?!" Juvia snapped her head around and watched Gray leave. "So soon?! Can Juvia at least come with?!" She called out as he continued to walk.

"Nope. Talk to ya' later." Gray didn't turn around. He just stuck a hand up and waved, still heading straight out the door.

Juvia was taken aback for a moment, but she understood. As much as she loved to shower Gray with affection, she knew he was a lone wolf at heart. And with constantly being surrounded by his guildmates as they all fought for who would get to use the hammer next, he was certainly drained.

Juvia nodded with determination. "It's alright. Next time." She said with certainty in her head.

However, over the next three weeks of Gray taking mission after mission and constantly dismissing Juvia, she was frustrated to say the least. She watched him walk out that door with hardly acknowledging her for the last time.

Without even thinking, her feet began to strut their way to catch up with Gray. She picked up her pace and finally caught up with him before he could leave the grounds of the guild.

"Gray-sama." Juvia called, and Gray paused. She used the time to catch up with him, and there they stood in the courtyard.

"What's up?" He simply asked.

"Juvia was just-- well--" She began to get nervous. She cheeks reddened as imagery of she and her beloved Gray danced through her head. She shyly put her hands behind her bag and wiggled her foot a bit. "Juvia was hoping to spend some time with Gray-sama, now that everything's finally calmed down."

"Yeah. We can later." Gray turned right back around and began walking again.

"Wait!" Juvia reached out and grabbed his wrist, stopping him in his tracks. She let go after a brief pause and Gray looking back at her with his piercing eyes.

"It's just-" She looked away, her eyes saddened. "Juvia's been trying to talk to Gray-sama for about three weeks now, and you've done nothing but ignore me." She pouted a bit. "Just when will later be?" She finished.

Gray sighed. "I dunno'"

"You don't know?!"

"Yeah. I don't know when later will be." His voice was firm.

Juvia was startled at the harshness of his voice and sheepishly caved in a bit. "Has-" Juvia stammered, clearly nervouse. "Has Juvia done something?"

"Huh?" Gray rasied a brow.

"Has Juvia done something to make Gray-sama mad at her?" Her eyes were suddenly glossy with tears, and Gray's eyes reacted by opening up.

"N-no! Not at all! You said it yourself, we haven't hung out in weeks. How could I be mad at you?" Gray was guilty for his tone.

"But why haven't you spent time with me in weeks Gray-sama?" Juvia pried, almost begging. "There's got to be a reason."

Gray's face regained composure. He remembered his purpose. He looked away. "I'm busy."

"Busy with what?"

"Busy with work."

"Well, you don't have to be so busy. And if you need to work so badly, you can always bring Juvia with you on-" Her voice regained its spunk as she began to form a new idea, only to have Gray shoot it down.

"No." He was harsh again.

"No?" Juvia's voice quivered.

"This doesn't have anything to do with you." Gray still looked away.

Juvia's heart sunk. "Oh." Tears began to well up again. "Well." She was looking for the right words to say, but she was at a loss. "Juvia will just mind her own business then." Just as she turned away to sulk back to the guild, Gray caught a glimpse of the tear that rolled down her cheek.

"Wait!" This time, Gray was the one reaching for Juvia's wrist. "I'm sorry." His voice was smoother.

"N-no..." Juvia's voice was timid. "Juvia is the one who is sorry for-"

"Stop it. You don't need to apologize." Gray loosened the grip on her wrist, but pulled her back a couple steps.

"I was lying." Gray said as Juvia finally faced him again, tears glassing over her eyes. "This does have to do with you." He blushed.

"Then why can't Juvia come with-"

"Because, that's not why it has to do with you." As Juvia cocked her head to side, clearly confused, Gray realized that what he was saying sounded silly.

"Gah!" Gray called out and hit himself with his palm, feeling frustrated for bot understanding how to form the thoughts in his head into words. "Do you wanna' sit somewhere?" He finally asked.

Juvia was still confused, but of course nodded in agreement.

The two found a nearby bench that was sitting right in front of a big, clear lake. The sunset reflected on the water, and created an image almost as beautiful as the water itself. They looked at in admiration for a moment, and Juvia turned back to Gray.

"So how does this involve Juvia?" She finally asked.

"I-- I--" Gray remained looking at the lake and ruffled his hair. "I gotta' keep going on missions."

"But why?" Juvia asked, sweetly.

"I... have to get stronger." Gray grumbled as he leaned forward.

"Stronger?" Juvia chuckled. "That's silly! Gray-sama is already the strongest man in the whole world! There is no one thay can compare to you, dear! Why would you think a few missions could improve that?" Juvia swooned.

"If I was the strongest man in the world you wouldn't have that scar." Gray finally said something clearly. Juvia choked on her breath.

"Eh?" She said, softly. "Juvia gave this scar to herself."

"And it was to save me." He seemed like he was growing angrier.

"Yes, but-"

"If I was strong enough, I would've been able to break his chains before that happened. I would've been able to stop it and save you." The composure in his voice was clearly wavering.

"Gray-sama..." Juvia reached an arm and placed it on Gray's back.

"I'm sorry Juvia." His voice shook, and he still did not look at her. "I know I promised you an answer, and at the time i meant it. I still do. It's just-"

Horrible images flashed in Gray's mind, making his skin crawl. "After Invel, and almost losing you, not begin able to protect you... it--it killed me." Gray gritted his teeth, almost like he was biting back tears.

"Darling... You know Juvia is just fine protecting herself." She reasoned.

"Yeah, but you don't understand." He spat.

"Juvia is trying to understand."

"I need more confidence in myself. I need it. I need to know I can protect you when the time comes. And I need to know with 100% certainty." He finally looked at her, and Juvia swore she could see tears trying to break loose from his eyes. "I thought I knew back then, but I was wrong. Just like I was with Ur, Ultear, my dad, and anyone that I've ever loved, but wanted to protect. Just when I thought I could, it was too late. I thought it was too late with you, but it wasn't. This is my second chance, Juvia. I need to know for certain that I'll be enough."

Juvia scooted a bit closer. "Gray-sama, there is always going to be something out there that will pose a threat to you or me. It's inevitable. All that matters is that we do everything in our power to protect one another. As long as we try, our love will always prevail. You were more than enough for me from the moment we met, and Juvia would think you would see that by now."

"I know how you feel about me, and I know how I feel about you. I just need to make sure I'm the best version of myself for you. Please, understand. I have to do this." His eyes were beckoning for her.

"Gray-sama, Juvia just-" She paused when she saw the desperation in his eyes. "When will it finally be enough? When will you know you're strong enough?"

"I've decided I'm going to take the 100 Years Quest. After that, I'll be ready. I'm certain of it." Determination was plastered in his face once again.

"This is so unnecessary." Juvia sighed. "But if this is what Gray-sama must do, Juvia will wait. Juvia understands that you must do this for yourself, but I just wish Gray-sama can see that he is already more than enough for me." She put her hand atop of his and gave him a reassuring grin.

"Thank you." Gray smiled back and gave her hand a little squeeze. "I know I'll be ready soon, and once I am, I'm gonna' go after you." Gray gave a smirk, Juvia's face became flushed with his sudden forwardness.

The two shared a heartfelt gaze, as they looked in each other's eyes and finally understood one another. They gave calming smiles, finished by another hand squeeze from Gray.

"No matter what."

[96xie]

2019

a whole summary of this difficult year

2019 was full of unexpected good and bad surprises along with lessons and experiences.

january

spent good time with mocha, wayo and brian

had such a good time with guildies from our game

met up with some other ppl from the same game and didnt feel too good bc i was never good with crowds and/or groups that were already well established

tried tinder for the first time because i thought it would be nice to put myself out there for once

feburary

continued my tinder journey and actually had fun with it. it was pretty scary at the same time because it was such a new experience talking to other people and to have them notice you? because i always knew and felt that i wasnt really the desirable one.

actually hooked up with a guy from last months meetup and hung out twice. thought it was going somewhere because he, too, showed signs to progress further ((was wrong because he lied and showed red flags later))

one major red sign to me: no response after genuinely saying thank you for rides and dinner. im the type of person who always says thank you because im honestly grateful for the little and big things. he basically shrugged it off.

also, a huge liar. yah, big no

i brought him to my friends birthday bc they and himself wanted to meet each other, it was fun while it lasted but stuff happened

towards the end of the month, i cut my ties off with him for being awfully mean to me and also cut ties with my “friends” for having really bad assumptions of me.

i was frustrated with myself at that time bc his cats gave me a bad breakout and i felt super ugly. also i wasnt sad over him, but over the fact that i let myself be treated like a second option. eventually i learned that it was good that i didnt let things go further and that i only deserve the very best.

even though i was hurt, i thought it was a good experience, esp since i havent really been in the “dating game” for years. like it was a just a small step to putting myself out there once again

a week later after that a classmate asked me out and got tons of compliments from him and wondered “the universe really works in crazy ways”

march

met some cool people through the same mobile game on a discord server and they were much better than the first group.

also met this really funny dude in the same group. like he was so fun to talk to and he understood my dumb lingo

remember when my classmate asked me out on a date? it turned out a bit weird. but considering this was my first date in YEARS i thought it was a cool experience. got some carne asada fries outta him

i had the dude i was talking to call me so i could leave the date tho LOL ((he helped me lots, esp how to deal with awkward situations with my classmate. also at this point, i really liked talking to him but i wasnt rly sure if i wanted to date other guys bc i had been hurt previously)

this month was pretty much dedicating most of my time talking to him and i enjoyed it alot

also went to pubs for the first time to hangout with my coworkers. such an interesting place

april

tried rollerskating for the first time ever, ended up with a bunch of bruises but it was cool!

also tried 7leaves for the first time and instantly fell in love with mungbean

also went clubbing in sf with my friends and it was such a fun time like i had SO much fun

i got auctioned off of SAD! that phase was just a crazy ride. while there was many that dm’d me, there was only one special person that i only replied to and continued to talk to him on a daily basis

((honestly, i was scared that i was taking things a bit further with him because a part of me was like “are you ready for this?” and “have you really recovered from that guy?” or “can you give this guy your all?” just alot of overthinking))

spent 4/20 at sf with my friends, and overall had a GREAT time. took too many hits and drank so ya gorl was crossfaded. not sure if i wanna do tht again tho

unfortunately woke up with a swollen face and it lasted for a LONG time.

may

so my face is still swollen, still bad, red as a tomato and at this point i was really hesitant to meet up with the guy ive been talking to. i mean!! my skin was SO bad. i felt like i was gonna make a fool out of myself by scaring him away

but,,,, he was still willing to see me despite my appearance and : ( he was so accepting and typing this makes my heart ache bc he is SUCH a good man : (

i met up with the guy towards the end of the month in sj and first thing he does when i walk up to him is give me this great warm hug and so many smooches !!!!!!! like my heart is melting

eventually we became official !!! he got us an airbnb for the night and we jus spent time cuddling on the bed and honestly i : ( i like him so much

june

my birthday wasnt rly that like “wow” it was actually kinda annoying

my bf flew up to sf where we met up, explored the city and slept the night in at an airbnb. next day went to oakland where i introduced my friends to him!

went to my first festival with several with my friends, including ppl from our same guild from our game and it was SO fun

rolled for the first time and it was SUCH an experience. redosed like twice and ended up hallucinating which is something ill def not do again

also i really wished my bf was with me at that time : ( while i had an extremely fun time, i wish i shared that moment with him : (

july

went to vegas for my cousins 22nd bday. shit was wild

also rolled there.

also threw up for the very first time

a fight broke out at the club and that shit was fuckgin CRAZY and it was RIGHT next to our table

also used alot of my money for the whole trip in which nobody really told me about so …. i was like ok.. fuck …

also my skin was still bad during these past months so it was pretty hard masking it

like really hard. with someone with terrible eczema, its just extremely hard to hide it

august

bf flew to sac!!! he met my mom for the first time and we explored the city and stuff

and went on an ikea date! and! honestly i just really loved spending time with him :c

we also spent time with my friends! they came over also! and ate some fuckgin bomb ass waffles

and then took bus down to la to meetup with some friends from our guild towards the end of the month!

it was pretty nice to be able to stay with my bf in his apartment !!!!!

also some scalding tea but thats rly for another time

to make it super short tho: our friend that we’ve known much longer than the girl he met (less than 3 months) dropped our friendship SO quick lol

september

cousin bonding @ beach, too cold for tht doe

towards the end of the month, my bf flew me down!!! so i spent the weekend with him and like always, only had a good time with him!

AND ALWAYS EATING GOOD FOOD!

october

during this fall semester, i took online classes and one of them was a 8week class. there was a topic about mental health and how we can take care of ourselves better and i just thought it was such an important thing to cover. i feel like its not talked about enough

november

spent thanksgiving with my family down in morgan hill and ate good food! honey ham has a special place in my heart.

went black friday shopping first at walmart, lowkey disappointed in myself because i was bummed out the apple watches were sold out. the materialistic part of me jumped out oof

slept at my cousins then went to the mall! didnt get anything besides really good bulgogi fries. i hated going into stores tho cuz everything was literally crowded. hated it !!!!!!!

went to a small festival in sacramento with my friends at the end of the month and this time is 7 of us (than the usual 5)! it was sososo fun.

also took my coworker with me, it was actually amusing to see bc our group were all asian and he’s the only tall white guy

made hotpot at home and we also went out for milktea and waffles again! sooo good.

december

flew down to see my bf again and only had a good time! went to this garden with beautiful lights and ! ugh! SO pretty!

cried in his bed before my flight back, cried on the plane, cried at home and cried before i slept. i miss him

also racked up alot of hours so i could pay for my tuition and my family’s bills. kinda sucks bc im pretty tired but i gotta do what do i gotta do.

christmas was a bit lonely bc my mom went to the philippines and i dont rly talk to my brother but my kuya came the next day and we ate n watched stuff

overall, it was a whacky year. but im so glad to have met ed. he means SO much to me. a part of me was so hesitant to date him because i mean, he’s man with his life set. i dont have a car, im still in school, i have this part time job where im giving my mom all my paychecks and which the only money im keeping is just my tips (not much), i still have issues with myself and other conflicts and honestly theres much to do, learn and grow from. but he’s so supportive, understanding and loving and i love and appreciate him from the bottom of my heart. most of the time i wonder if im doing and if im being enough for him. i worry about that alot but he’s so patient with me. i laugh alot when im with him and i feel so happy.

did i mention that we are long distance? him being in la and me in sacramento. so the only thing thats connecting us is facetime. maybe once every two months will i see him in person but yep. when i had my first panic attack, i really wanted him right next to me. at that moment i felt even more sad because of course you’re gonna want you’re significant other during a moment like that. but anyways, i always miss him and i always want him next to me and i always love him. i want to hurry up and get my education done with so i can be with him. not to sound like omg im so madly infatuated with him type of thing tho. he’s someone who understands me and knows how to love me.

i hope 2020 treats me well despite all the challenges ahead of me.

[transrightsjimin]

just watched a documentary abt kurt cobain on tv and man, in the beginning i thought oh right i want to listen more to 90s rock, but also this rly got me feeling depressed nd thinking abt an old friend who was in a similar place (without the fame though) nd who i had to call 112 for and this weird mother who tried to befriend me and uses drugs nd doesnt believe in regular medication, nd then to yoongis lyrics which i thought abt earlier today, and also just how much couldve been prevented for him nd other depressed ppl if they had been stimulated better in their childhood (considering he appeared to have undiagnosed adhd from wht i understood), but at the same time the whole depressed grunge thing where youre critical of authority and simultaneously feel like killing random ppl nd are just guiltrrippy in the end is such a typical angry white ppl thing, and i thought abt my own depression and childhood and felt sad abt how i felt already mentally pretty bad in groep 3 (?) (the year after two years of kindergarten) partially bc i had the most horrible teacher nd partially bc my brother was doing criminal stuff nd got in trouble so my parents were more busy w him, logically, and i felt neglected and lied to the school that my dad kicked me every day (which the school luckily took seriously so my parents had a talk). like i thought i went depressed in groep 5 but i think it started earlier on bc i truly didnt remember being happy in the two school years before that. then from groep 5 to 8 i got bullied rl bad (i think less bad in groep 6) and im still angry at how i wasnt diagnosed w depression officially ever in my life (and still not rly, bc the therapists ive had said that i just have depressive complaints instead of a disorder, even if ive had this for years, but bc im not suicidal its hard for them to call it depression, nd like i never gpt my diagnosis for autism or depression on paper or information after my autism diagnosis) nd only had to keep a diary in groep 5 to deal with stress bc that would worsen my skin allergies. i wish i had more than that and like, saw a person abt it. like i hate whining abt my childhood bc it wasnt the worst, i had classmates in primary school who were in much worse abusive / traumatizing situations, nd it might be why they tried to act out their power over me, but for me it was just being bullied by the class nd it seems so small. but idk it still frustrates me that the last time i was truly without depressive complaints was prob when i was like. 6. i think it was less bad in high school bc there i had a few more friends and i felt happy when acting like the weird autistic kid i was and bc literally everyone was awkward nd Random it was fine and quite liberating. but then when the end of the 6th year was nearing and exams were coming and i had no more structure of a timetable bc less classes, i fell into worse depression similar to what i had at worst in groep 7 and 8. like just, responsibility, discipline, concentration, durability, etc were demanded amd ive never been trained in those things. and as i got older things aldo went downhill between me nd my parents bc they wanted me to be a responsible adult but at the same time prevented me from learning these skills bc they were faster nd more capable and im just stupid and a nusance. im sorry for rambling but my thoughts are all over the place. i wanna read yoongis lyrics more bc im emotional nd crying and i know im sounding very dramatic but im still mad i lost like 80% of my life to depression. and i would like to think its not lost but idk. i just want to be completely better but idk if thats possible since im so susceptible to depression bc of my autism. its a bit reassuring to read yoongi share that hes also not where he wanted to be yet and that thats fine. ugh i just cant stop crying and idk why